#on to the topic of bereavement

[fuckingarataswespeak]

I'm so scared of losing my friends

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Could you possibly give some info on the 5 stages of grief? I'm writing a character who's currently going through that

Writing Notes: Stages of Grief

Stages of Grief - (also called grief cycle model) A hypothetical model, originally described in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, depicting psychological states, moods, or coping strategies that occur during the dying process or during periods of bereavement, great loss, or trauma. These begin with:

the denial stage, [It is characterized by a conscious or unconscious inability to acknowledge or accept one’s own or an important other’s impending or actual death or some other great loss or trauma.]

followed by the anger stage, [It is characterized by anger, resentment, or even rage at one’s own (or at an important other’s) impending or actual death, other great loss, or trauma.]

bargaining stage, [It is characterized by an attempt to negotiate a deal with God or fate that would delay one’s own death or that of an important other, or that would mitigate or end other great loss or trauma.]

depression stage, and [It is characterized by feelings of sadness, loss, regret, or uncertainty that typically represent, consciously or nonconsciously, some level of acceptance in facing one’s own or another’s impending or actual death or some other great loss or trauma.]

acceptance stage. [It is characterized by some degree of emotional detachment, objectivity, or resignation on the part of oneself or an important other to the reality of impending or actual death, other great loss, or trauma.]

The model is nonlinear in that the stages do not necessarily occur in the given sequence or for a set period of time; moreover, they can recur and overlap before some degree of psychological and emotional resolution occurs.

Grief Response Model: The 5 Stages of Grief

A popular theoretical approach is to structure grief as a progression through a series of stages that follow a systematic and often linear order.

Kübler-Ross (1969) proposed a 5-stage theory based on the experiences of terminally ill individuals coming to terms with their death.

Here, grief begins with denial, in which the grieving individual is not merely unable to process their loss, but actively unwilling, and they will try in vain to avoid acknowledging what has happened.

This leads to the next stage, in which failure to deny the loss forces the individual to face it, causing acute feelings of frustration and bitterness that manifest as anger and hostility.

When anger does not provide comfort, grief then evolves into attempts to bargain, characterized by the grieving individual seeking means to reverse the loss in return for a sacrifice, often involving appeals to religion or spirituality.

This often does not succeed, and the grieving individual may increasingly ruminate over the loss and experience feelings of guilt or despair as they consider how it could have been avoided.

This leads to depression, as the individual resigns to their fate while still fundamentally existing in a state of conflict with their loss. The silver lining of this otherwise bleak stage is that the individual no longer attempts to avoid accepting their grief (through denial, bargaining, etc.), which eventually leads to true acceptance and letting go of their loss, or at least reaching a state of amnesty.

Examples of denial include:

refusing to accept or acknowledge the death

refusing or avoiding the topic in conversation

stating the loss is not true, or that the source of the news is unreliable.

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, though it may seem hurtful or offensive to loved ones. Often, anger is just a manifestation of grief, and can present itself in various ways. For example:

blaming a medical doctor for not preventing an illness

blaming family members for a lack of care or support

feeling anger toward God or a higher spiritual power

feeling angry with oneself or blaming oneself for the death

experiencing a short temper or loss of patience.

Bargaining is often irrational. Examples of bargaining include:

"If only I had brought her to the doctor sooner, this would have been cured."

"If only I had been around more, I would have noticed something was wrong."

"God, if you bring him back, I promise I will never lie again."

While the earlier stages of grief help to protect us from the emotional pain experienced with loss, often these feelings are inevitable. Symptoms of depression include:

feelings of sadness

loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy

changes in sleep

significant changes in weight

lack of energy

feeling agitated or restless

feeling worthless or guilty

decreased concentration.

When we have reached the stage of acceptance, we no longer deny or struggle against our grief. During this time:

we work to focus our energy on celebrating the life of our loved one,

cherish the memories that were shared, and

make plans for moving forward.

While many often cite Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief as one common way to understand the process that happens after losing a loved one, Kübler-Ross was clear that her stages were relevant only to those coming to terms with their own impending death. When we have lost a loved one, another model for understanding the grief process may be more relevant:

The 4 Phases of Grief, proposed by British psychiatrists John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes. 

Shock and Numbness: This phase immediately follows a loss to death. In order to emotionally survive the initial shock of the loss, the grieving person feels numb and shut down. 

Yearning and Searching: This phase is characterized by a variety of feelings, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and confusion. The grieving person is experiencing a longing for the deceased person and wanting them to return to fill the emptiness created by their death.

Disorganization and Despair: This phase is marked by initial acceptance of the reality of the loss. The grieving person may experience feelings of apathy, anger, despair, and hopelessness. The person often desires to withdraw and disengage from others and the activities they regularly enjoyed.

Reorganization and Recovery: In the final phase, the grieving person begins to return to a new state of "normal." Intense feelings such as sadness, anger, and despair begin to diminish as more positive memories of the deceased person increase. The person may experience regular energy levels and weight will stabilize (if it fluctuated during other phases). 

Important Things to Remember

Everyone’s grief process is different. You may experience all of the above in this order, in a different order, some phases not at all, etc. You may feel that you’ve reached phase 4 and then circle around to phase 2 again.

There is no right or wrong timeframe to experience grief. For example, you may feel you are in phase 2 for several days, weeks, or months, or not at all.

Grief is a process. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. You’re not alone.

Sources: 1 2 3 4 ⚜ More: Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

Types of Grief ⚜ Bereavement ⚜ Understanding Death

Mourning & Grieving ⚜ Children's Death Comprehension

Hope this helps with your writing!

[weirdlookindog]

Is Conan Doyle Right? (1923) - lost film

Description by Pathé Picture: « Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, a very distinguished Englishman, says this life is merely the vestibule for the Hereafter; that we take up life in the next world just where we leave it off here; that he is in constant communication with those who have passed on ; and that their message is one of Hope and encouragement to mankind. Sir Arthur is honest in his beliefs; there are others who are not, who seek to profit from the tears of the bereaved. This great two reel picture shows up the fakers and the crooks who seek to commercialize Spiritualism. Everybody in your community is either for or against Doyle's beliefs. It's the biggest topic and the biggest little picture of the day. Play it up and PROFIT. »

[the-empress-7]

I think I am almost done with this topic, it's too sad for words and the ghouls named Harry and Meghan have made my disgust for them reach new heights.

Before I go, they claim this network is the first of its kind. I really find it hard to believe. A quick google search will tell you otherwise. There are a ton of resources on cyberbullying, and there are some great support networks for bereaved parents.

The truth is there can never be enough support for parents who have had to deal with such tragedy, but let's not pretend that the ghouls have done something commendable.

All they did was retell a lie from four years ago, repackaged as altruism.

[class1akids]

Japanese reactions to the MHA 424 Shouto panel

I went through the Japanese Shouto tags last night on Twitter because I was curious about their reactions to Shouto's panel and what it may mean. The comments were around 5 main topics:

1. Sad that he's alone

ここでは1人でいてほしくないなって思いました - I didn't want you to be alone here, I thought

1人になるなーーッッ！！！囲め囲め！- Don't be alone!!! Surround them, surround them!!

🍰くん後ろ姿で1人なの辛すぎ 誰か……誰か近くに行ってあげてくれ

🍰-kun, it's so painful to see you all alone and looking at your back. Someone... Someone please go and get him.

2. A general sense of unease, wondering what kind of fallout he'll get and if he'll be blamed for the rest of his life for Dabi

🍰くんの後ろ姿が不安で仕方ない… I can't help but feel uneasy about 🍰-kun's back

轟くんが心配 - I'm worried about Todoroki

🍰家こそ……戦いの終わりが憎しみの終わりじゃないんだよな……の背中… 🍰 The end of the battle is not the end of the hatred...

Ahhhh, I wonder if 🍰will continue to be blamed by the citizens as I've often seen in fan fiction. Seriously,🍰 's path to becoming a hero is too harsh.

本誌　ヒロアカ 轟家はこれから先地獄と言われてるし覚悟してるけど轟くんの後ろ姿で泣く Magazine: It's been said that the future of the Todoroki family in My Hero Academia will be hellish, and I'm prepared for it, but seeing Todoroki's back makes me cry

No matter how hard 🍰-kun tries, there will always be a certain number of people who will unreasonably hurt 🍰 -kun, and it's really painful to think that this will never go to zero. People will probably say all sorts of things about 🍰-kun without knowing how much resolve he had and how much pain he fought to overcome. But I guess that's the reality. I hope he'll be happy.

tdrkくんだけ後ろ姿なの辛い しかも「けれど」っていう言葉と同じコマなのはやっぱりまだtdrk家はまだ終わってないし終われない、これからどうしていくのかっていう方が大事なんだよね だからとぅやくんも生きてるんだよね It's sad that only tdrk is shown from behind Moreover, the reason it's in the same frame as the word "however" is that the TDRK family isn't over yet and can't end, what's important is what to do from now on, and that's why Touya is still alive.

しょとくん、これから「俺の顔見たら遺族や被害者家族が苦しむと思うから」という理由でテレビ雑誌などの媒体に一切出ず、給料も莫大に入ってるのに最低限だけ残して全部ダビの遺族への慰謝料に当てて、俺は幸せになっちゃいけないからヒーロー業だけ専念するんだ…という生活を送ったら…どうしよう… - Shoto, from now on you won't be appearing on TV, in magazines or in any other media because "I think the bereaved families and the victims' families will suffer if they see my face", and even though you're making a huge salary, you'll only keep the bare minimum and use it all to pay compensation to Dabi's victims' families, and you can't be happy so you'll focus only on your hero work...what should I do if I live that kind of life...?

🍰くんだけ背負ってるものが大きすぎるし、ヴィランではなく世論を相手にしなくては行けない未来が待っているのは必至だし、もちろん 🍰くんはその業を進んで背負うんだろうけど、ちょっと辛いなと思った時に思い出せる仲間たちがいて、折れない起源をちゃんと家族以外で作ることができてよかった

🍰s the only one who has to carry a heavy burden, and it's inevitable that a future awaits him in which he will have to deal with public opinion rather than villains, and of course 🍰 will willingly bear that burden, but I'm glad that he has friends he can remember when he's feeling a bit down, and that he was able to create an unyielding origin outside of his family.

とどろきくんちどうなっ…ウ……顔見えない…なにを思ってる…しょと……What's going on at Todoroki's house... I... I can't see his face... What are you thinking... Wait...

tdrkくんはdabiのこととかあるしそこらへん描かれるかな dkくんとも喋ってほしいな！！！tdrk-kun has things to do with dabi, so I wonder if that will be depicted. I'd love to talk to DK-kun too!!!

冒頭の明るい雰囲気は「5歳の読者」に向けての先生の心遣いだと思うけど、「元には戻らない」ということが繰り返し描かれていて、そこはよかった…。 デも勝も現時点でいったん何かしらを失ったけど、ショは大丈夫ですか…？　ショは30巻からもうだいぶ失いっぱなしだから、これ以上はないすか…？I think the bright atmosphere at the beginning is the teacher's consideration for the "5-year-old readers," but I liked how it repeatedly depicts the idea that "things can't go back to the way they were." Both De and Katsu have lost something so far, but is Sho okay? Sho has already lost a lot since volume 30, so is there anything more he can do?

3. The meaning of the Ochako - Shoto - Spinner panels and the villains fate (also, JPN fandom was also really confused about the Spinner scales panel - many thinking it was oysters or the remains of Dabi)

とどろきくんとお茶子ちゃん、単純にこれで良かったにならない2人のエピソードもやってくれそうで嬉しいな。 それは2人だけじゃないのは大前提やけど、今後周りから受けるものが賞賛でも非難でも、2人の中でこれで良かったともならず、これで終わりとはしなさそうなので、真っ直ぐ明るいものだけじゃな

I'm glad that they will also have episodes about Todoroki and Ochako that don't simply end with the ending. It's a given that they're not the only ones who feel this way, but whether they receive praise or criticism from those around them in the future, it doesn't seem like they're happy with this or that this is the end, so it's not just about being straightforward and bright.

爆豪勝己 緑谷出久が笑いあってるよ。 お茶子ちゃん、轟くん心配だな…トガちゃんと荼毘くん…轟くん『一緒にうどん食べる』って言ってたもんね… Bakugou Katsuki and Midoriya Izuku are laughing together. Ochako-chan, I'm worried about Todoroki-kun... Toga-chan and Dabi-kun... Todoroki-kun said he wanted to eat udon together...

救えたとか救えなかったのか、デとお茶子と轟くんはこの先一生考えていくんだろうし、やっぱ今後の個性社会と同じで元には戻れないね

Deku, Ochako, and Todoroki will probably be thinking about whether they were able to save him or not for the rest of their lives, and just like in the future society of quirks, there's no going back.

mdryizkとbkgktkが主軸で、それにtdrkshtとurrkochkを合わせてくれたのが嬉しい　みんながどうこれから歩ん��いくのかめちゃくちゃ楽しみ　tdrkくんがね、心配だけど　hrks先生だからきっと大丈夫

I'm glad that mdryizk and bkgktk are the main focus, and that tdrksht and urrkochk were added to them. I'm really looking forward to seeing how everyone will move forward from now on. I'm worried about tdrk-kun, but I'm sure it'll be fine because it's hrks-sensei.

何でお茶子ちゃんと轟くんの間にスピナーの鱗？なんだろ、と思ったけど明るい未来を示すキーパーソン的な意味での並びかな- Why are Spinner's scales between Ochako-chan and Todoroki-kun? I wondered why, but I guess it's because they're key people who represent a bright future.

4. If Shouto lost his voice

い、嫌じゃ！嫌じゃ！🍰くんから「mdry」の鳴き声が失われるのは嫌じゃ！！（いいぞやれぇ！やっちまえぇhrks先生ぇ！）

I, I don't want that! I don't want that! I don't want 🍰 to lose the cry of "mdry"!! (Go ahead! Go for it, hrks-sensei!)

轟くん親子赫灼熱拳のシーン技名心の声で叫んでるのか実際声に出して叫んでるのかどっちなんだろ… In the scene where Todoroki-kun and his father use the Burning Fist, are they shouting the name of the technique in their minds or actually shouting it out loud?

これはちょっとズレた想像かもしれないけどtdrkくんの喉が心配…で…… 一次戦でも喉焼かれて声ガスガスになってて今回も耐えられる身体にって備えて戦ったけど、気絶前喉やられてたし最後集合した時の足場作った時大口開けてたけど特に声を出していた描写なし……。 ………………………、This might be a bit of a stretch, but I'm worried about tdrk's throat... so... In the first battle his throat was burned and he was speechless, so he fought this time prepared with a body that could withstand it, but his throat was damaged before he passed out, and although his mouth was wide open when he was building a foothold for when they all gathered at the end, there's no depiction of him making a sound...

tdrkくんマジで喉やられてたりしたんかな〜 倒れる前はわりと話してたけどそこからほんま言葉発してないもんな I wonder if tdrk's throat was seriously damaged. He was talking quite a bit before he collapsed, but he hasn't really said a word since then.

5. Shouto deserves praise and happiness too

誰か 🍰くんのことも褒めたげてよぉ…

Someone praise 🍰 too...

🍰-kun also showed his true, honest and hardworking side in the letter during the final battle, so I just want him to be happy and laugh.

轟くんの幸せを祈るしかねえよかっちゃんみたいにいつか落ち着いて轟くんも泣けるといいな All I can do is pray for Todoroki-kun's happiness I hope that one day Todoroki-kun will calm down and be able to cry like Kacchan

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi mbti notes, hope you’re doing well! I’m the intp who wrote to you in October (post/767883189332197376) abt my new school. I just want to say thank you so much as that was easily the most insightful advice I’ve ever gotten!

I’ve managed to settle in at my school, but I’ve noticed I feel very isolated. I left behind all my close friends, and tbh I haven’t really put in the effort to make new ones. The issue is I don’t feel very connected to other people, or to even my class or school at large. The environment I’m in is extremely welcoming (everyone is new there) but I just don’t feel with any of it if that makes sense. I’d love to be the kind of person who’d engage with people and form relationships with them (even superficial ones), but people just feel so two dimensional, and I’ll talk with them as people but almost not feel anything. Like I’ll smile and laugh and go through the motions of it all but really I don’t know how to feel invested, and it’s such a shame because I want to feel connected and like I belong somewhere so badly.

I’ve also always been really closed off (like I had a very personal bereavement and I didn’t tell even my close friends), and it doesn’t help that I’ve missed the last 3 months of school (due to physical issues that have resolved now) so everyone kind of knows each other and I don’t, and I get so self conscious around people I don’t know very well. Like I only really become friends with people when I get comfortable with them, and the school is massive so the conversations I have with people are really fleeting and just kind of dissipate.

I genuinely think there might be something wrong with me in that I can’t do something that’s so natural and so important and valuable, and just in general I don’t know how to get more able to feel anything at all (because I don’t particularly). I just feel so not lucid and almost unreal about everything that kind of goes on, like I’m incredibly detached. Things just sort of pass me by all the time and I don’t ever feel engaged or like I really care about anything, and I suppose this is the primary example in my life right now. What can I do about this (I’m alr on antidepressants so I mean more in a way of shifting my thinking or getting a new perspective on it)? Tia!

Hi Mbti notes, I’m the intp that literally just sent you an ask abt isolation like an hour ago, but I forgot to add something else I wanted your advice on. How do people become real (and I mean that in a social sense)? Because I have moral standards and things I appreciate and value and things I would sacrifice other things for, but I still don’t feel socially real if that makes sense. As in, I feel as if I could potentially get to know other people and their hobbies and interests and likes and dislikes and potential reactions to things and just kind of like their views on the world, but I could never have that kind of relationship in a reciprocal way, because there’s nothing fundamentally about me to get to know. I just feel so bland and unopinionated, like I’m genuinely cool with whatever and I don’t really care about much either way. This has kind of always been the case so I don’t think I can put it down to it just being my current depressive tendencies right now. I realise i kind of already asked you abt this earlier in November so sorry if it feels repetitive! And thanks in advance :)

----------------

It does feel repetitive. These topics have already been covered before under the relevant tags, so I suggest you review for yourself. I intend for my blog to only be used by people who are at a place in life where they are ready and willing to change and improve. It sounds to me like you don't qualify, since the previous "insights" haven't made much of a dent in your thought process.

I spent several years as a teacher, and the part of the job I really, really hated was having to cajole students into caring about their own potential. There's only so much that can be done for people who don't really want to change. I get a lot of requests for help, and though I'm sad to see people in trouble, my time is limited and I don't want to throw it away on those who are determined to rationalize away their problems, half-ass things, or limit themselves by going on and on about all the things they can't do.

More often than not in psychology, "can't" is really just code for "won't". "Can't" refers to uncontrollable things that one must learn to adapt to or accept. However, "won't" refers to a self-imposed obstacle that no one but you has the power to remove. So far, I have yet to hear a compelling reason that constitutes a genuine "can't". Mostly, what I hear is loop-talk, which generally indicates "won't". Maybe I'm wrong, and if I am, then give me a proper reason for why you "can't" change, something that doesn't sound like an excuse.

Suffice it to say that your problem is a common symptom of Ti-Si loop, which means the remedy is to develop auxiliary Ne. This requires you to shift your perspective to focus on all the things that CAN be done. It seems you're waiting for someone/something to save you, but that's not how it works. It has to be a personal choice, an exercise of personal responsibility. If you can't even stand up to honor and exercise your own power to act, how can you expect the world to acknowledge or recognize you in any meaningful way?

Choosing to stay in tertiary loop means trapping oneself in faulty thinking. Your way of thinking is illogical because you have cause and effect backwards. You think your detachment is caused by the world having nothing of interest to you when, actually, the cause of your detachment is that you haven't done enough to develop an interest in the world.

You're essentially sitting there expecting to have great friendships without having to lift a finger to build them, maintain them, or nurture them. And you expect to have a strong sense of identity without having to expend the blood, sweat, and tears to forge one for yourself through gathering meaningful life experiences. Is this reasonable? Isn't this basically the attitude of a helpless infant or an entitled brat?

Cause and effect means "no input = no output". Actually, the remedy to detachment is very straightforward: Form attachments. "Form" is a verb. Verb means DO. Get involved. Put yourself out there. Participate in events. Be proactive. Take on social responsibilities that compel you to contribute of yourself to the world. Look for things to love and devote yourself to them wholeheartedly.

Stop waiting and simply step up and do what needs to be done. There are lots of things that need doing in this world, a lot of people who need a hand, a lot of worthy causes that could use your talents and abilities. There are so, so, so many opportunities, but Si loop means you don't want to see them, which amounts to choosing not to care. It's willful ignorance.

You say you don't have any feeling, but that's false. The truth is you don't have the emotional intelligence to recognize your feelings and, when you get uncomfortable feelings, you push them away or run away from the challenge of meeting them properly. You often talk yourself out of action by presuming to know the result, convincing yourself that it's not worth it - this is easier than confronting how you truly feel.

For instance, self-consciousness is a feeling. It challenges you to evaluate yourself and your social competency honestly. If your social skills aren't up to scratch, the right thing to do is improve them. But self-consciousness is just a minor feeling that should not get in the way of a truly determined Ti dom. If you are so heavily influenced and held back by minor feelings such as self-consciousness, then maybe you should call yourself F instead?

Do you know that indifference is a feeling, and a warning sign? It's warning you that when you don't develop your potential and put your abilities to good use in the world, they will atrophy and eventually render you useless. And how can you feel like a person of worth when you have made yourself useless by continuously choosing to blend into the background? Indifference is an ego defense mechanism that is used to numb oneself, but it eventually becomes painful when the low self-worth that comes with it rises up to slap you.

If you come back to me again saying "I just can't" without providing a valid reason as to why, what else can I say? I'm not going to play the role of parent or master to command you into action. Nobody can command you to open up when you are determined to stay closed, because you believe "that's how I've always been". Do you get that what has always been doesn't have to determine what will always be?

Caring requires you to open up your heart, be generous, and share yourself with people. You keep saying you can't do things because you don't care enough. You haven't yet understood that caring is a choice you make when it finally dawns on you that the alternative, choosing not to care, means turning yourself into a nothing and a nobody.

If it doesn't bother you to be nothing, then, okay, it's your right to be nothing. But if it does bother you, then you do indeed feel something, and that feeling should prompt action. Not listening to pain is a common way of getting stuck in a rut. How much longer can you bear the pain of wasting away into nothingness? At what point does it become unbearable and taking action to change becomes the only choice? And is this how you want to conduct your life, always waiting and waiting for things to become completely unbearable before you even consider the possibility of change?

[starcleere]

Need a fic of Tally and Cary starting an anonymous agony aunt column where they give advice to all bereaved citizens of Skyrim.

Featuring:

Occupying the Proudspire Manor balcony 24/7 to read letters and bitch over the terrible relationships ("-this idiot is OBVIOUSLY not interested in the ex, I've never seen a flag more red than when we marched on Cyrodiil in the Great War!" "Tally, don't say that in the middle of Solitude-")

Some advice-seekers seeming suspiciously familiar ("This 'Romantic of Solitude' pining for his strong independent colleague... isn't this Falk Firebeard?")

Surprising the growing readerbase with very deep and touching advice on topics of family, self-confidence, and loneliness, since the two lads can relate.

Shrieks in the middle of the night. People start to whisper about the ghost inhabiting Proudspire Manor... it's just the lads getting the GOOD tea.

Caryalind: *LOUD gasp* Taliesin, sitting up from bed with cucumber slices falling from his eyes: "What?!" Cary, waving around a letter: "Nazeem's wife wants a divorce!"

DB wondering why there are so many letters to Proudspire Manor all of a sudden. They don't know about the side hustle.

Guest aunt Nebby! A lot of readers actually prefer his snarky, blunt advice. It certainly resonates with the Nord way of things.

Nebarra: "If he tells you what to do with your own money one more time, tell HIM what to do with his LACK of money and kick him out the house."

Xelzaz figures it out a good while into the bit. He connected the dots between the sudden popularity of this advice column and the piles of letters in Cary's room. He prefers to read the letters and be a sounding board for Tally and Cary instead of publishing his own advice.

He'll definitely share some quick cooking tips though. Some people think that The Gourmet is a contributor to the column; it's just Xelzaz.

Just Tally, Cary, Nebs, and Xelzaz on the Proudspire balcony, popping open Alto Wine and bonding over shitty relationship advice.

[greypistacchio]

TW: Discussion of suicidality

Look, I'll be the first to admit that Supernatural is far from flawless regarding narrative choices and the way it handles certain topics, but I really appreciate the fact that the show doesn't shy away from suicidality and bereavement.

Right now I'm at 5.18, and thus far there has been explicit discussion of Bobby's, Deans, and Castiel's struggles with suicidal ideation and traumatic grief.

As you know if you've watched seasons 4 and 5 of this show, Bobby becomes wheelchair-bound and thus unable to go on hunts the way he used to. This is not to say that he has become any less skilled at dealing with the supernatural, or lost any of his expertise and sharp mind whenever the brothers don't know what they are dealing with or how to stop it - but becoming disabled means that he can no longer move around autonomously the way he used to, and he's a lot more vulnerable to physical ambushing.

Meanwhile Dean is struggling with... (Gestures at his father dying to bring him back, his brother becoming the apple of the Devil's eye as he falls into blood addiction, complicated grief over John, his deal with the crossroads demon to save Sam's life, opening the Gates of Hell, going to Hell after being mauled by hellhounds, enduring 30 years of torture plus 10 years as a torturer, coming back to life only so he can try to stop Lilith, learning that he became the first broken seal when he took up Alastair on his offer, losing Sam to Ruby's deception, Lucifer's I Walk The Earth era, angels being assholes, bone-deep trauma from his upbringing as a parentified kid who most likely endured beatings from John, watching friends die, being told that he's meant to become a vessel against his will) ...that :)

And Castiel, who has been an obedient and loyal soldier for millions of years, doesn't know how to handle the fact that God simply does not care. He isn't ineffable - instead He's indifferent. Throughout the millennia, Cas has followed what he thought was His command with the blind devotion of a faithful child, and he has believed in God wholeheartedly. Now, though? Now he has been cast out of Heaven for the deadly sin of doubling whether he's doing the right thing. By helping Dean out against the orders Heaven had given him so that they could save human lives, Castiel has become estranged from Heaven, the only family and home he's ever known. But he still held onto the hope that they could find God and clear up the mess - only to learn from Joshua that God doesn't care about humanity anymore. Rebelling was pointless, after all, and Cas lost everything in vain after all.

Bobby, Dean, and Cas have lost their life purpose, and as usually happens when a person can't see the point anymore, they have become depressed to the point that they are thinking about suicide as a way out of the unbearable emptiness that leaves them breathless every day, every hour.

And look, everyone has their own opinion of how each character's development was done, but as a person who has struggled with suicidality for as long as I can remember... This matters to me beyond my ability to explain it. Even though they are far from happy (it's the Apocalypse, after all), these characters have pushed through to keep doing what they can.

Sometimes it gets too hard, such as when Dean learned that God doesn't care after all when He was his only hope. Or when Bobby hears about Patrick, the Irish witch who gambles on life years. Or when Cas learns the truth about Heaven's lack of interest in stopping the Apocalypse. And when it does, they turn reckless and become self-destructive. Bobby toys with the idea of ending his own life, Dean starts behaving recklessly in ways that he knows could get him killed, and Cas goes out looking for trouble.

But all three of them are still here, and considering that Dean has been showing concerning signs of active suicidality since he learned about John's deal with Azazel in 2.01 it's... Quite a feat, honestly, that he's still standing. Same with Bobby, who spends most of his time all on his own with free access to firearms, blades and poison. And now, same with Castiel, who could have simply pissed another angel off enough to get himself killed. They are all messed up, and they are all unwell beyond words, and yet they are. Still. Here.

Still getting up in the morning and taking things one day at a time.

Yes, they contemplate suicide as a way out of this whole mess every day.

Fair enough, I'd say, when everything is out of their control and they can't seem to stop losing people to a war they never wanted to be a part of.

Yes, they struggle with unhealthy coping mechanisms such as deflection, binge-drinking, isolation or recklessness.

Fair enough, I'd say, considering that nobody ever taught any of them any better.

But we live in a society that's frightened of certain conversations, among which is the one regarding chronic suicidal ideation. And that's why it matters to me that Supernatural brought it up through Bobby, Dean, and Castiel (thus far). Because they are in pain, and their minds are holding onto the soothing thought that there's always one way out they've got control over, and nonetheless they've pushed through. They live with suicidality every day, and it's never depicted as a morally loaded fact. It's neither glorified, nor condemned; instead it's shown to be something that ebbs and flows in intensity from day to day. That can come in different shapes and sizes. That fucks you up when it's amped up, and impacts everything and everyone around you through the way it affects you.

Which is why it matters so fucking much to me. Living with chronic suicidal ideation makes you unbearably lonely, and even when you aren't actively suicidal - it doesn't go away. Instead it's there at the back of your mind. Its presence doesn't mean that you are actually getting the urge to end things. But it's how your brain has learnt to soothe you when you're anxious after a lifetime of feeling helpless, and now it's what it resorts to in a knee-jerk way whenever you aren't feeling good.

This can be difficult to explain to those who have never gone through suicidal episodes, but suicidal thoughts aren't a sign of severe mental illness. Instead they are a defense mechanism that brings you relief when you are in enough pain that all you can think of is how badly you want the suffering to stop. When everything in your life is spiralling out of your control, suicide is the only choice that never stops being your choice to make, which is why it's a soothing possibility. Even if it scares you at first, deep down it's a way to regain control over the pain you're in.

My point is not to celebrate or condone suicidality, but I do want to make it clear that I'm not shaming myself or anyone for it either. It's just something that once helped you survive, and has stuck around. Perhaps the best way I can describe it is as a guardian dog of sorts. It was what got you through the worst times in your life, and because of it now it follows you around quietly like an obedient German shepherd. Whenever you start feeling anxious, or overwhelmed, or empty, or whatever other emotion you'd get during the worst of your depression, it rears up its head and licks your hand.

My point is, chronic suicidal ideation is not a constant looming threat. Instead it's more of an elevator music playlist of sorts, and whenever it gets triggered by the situation, by a person or by bad news, it nuzzles your leg to let you know that it's always there for you.

But also something that just happens to people sometimes, when they've been hurt and traumatised badly enough, and it's not a death sentence. Not necessarily. It changes you, and it messes you up, and it will always frighten other people to learn about it, but it doesn't have to be an unavoidable omen. It is allowed to be a struggle you learn to live with, and you are allowed to be loved and cherished by others no matter how bad it gets or how often you struggle with these thoughts. You are not your suicidal thoughts.

It just matters so much. To me, at least.

[witchpassing]

{ welcome! may this one take your coat? }

this one is a doll, and its name is petrichor. while that word means many things to many of its sisters, to this one it signifies its nature as beloved and eternal servant to its master. this page is a quiet, personal space for it to engage with like-minded beings and publish its fiction work, much of it empty spaces or adjacent thereto. a sister account is maintained for the same purpose on cohost under the username apothecaric. the askbox is kept open and interaction is welcome. you are a valued guest here, and this one humbly hopes that you will enjoy your stay.

disclaimer: some content appearing on this blog will be nsfw. please do not follow or interact if you are below the age of eighteen. thank you.

{ tag list }

this one's writing - original fiction, mostly ES, mostly short. an ongoing masterlist of this one's writing may be found below.

journal - personal posts, mainly relating to this one's relationship with its master.

scrapbook - original, but neither autobiographical nor serious enough to fall into the above categories.

enquiries - correspondence.

offerings - gifts received from like-minded creatures.

the following topics also have dedicated tags: dolls, maids, machines, pilots, and witches. posts falling into none of the above categories are tagged as unsorted.

{ fiction index }

an intervention {part i} {part ii} {part iii} - a three-chapter work about a bereaved woman retrieving her lover from the clutches of a witch. things do not go to plan.

red heather {x} - the morning after a one-night stand between a doe and a wolf.

pennyroyal {x} - witchling hickory is called upon to extricate her familiar from a classmate's teeth.

interview_3ac {x} - an anonymised handler goes on the record about how she got into her current line of work.

misericorde & anise {x} - misericorde is not a good doll; she wants things she is not supposed to, and she wants anise to give them to her.

for a kinder lord {x} - a knight, dying in the arms of a heretic, hears a gentle whisper of what is to become of her.

crows {x} - earnest, shy sistenzca is sick, sick with crows, and terribly sorry about it.

the clockmaker {x} {x} - an unlicensed doll maintenance specialist plies her trade.

inchoate {x} - a doll, plagued by fever-dreams of limitless power, begs to be fixed.

my lord has many tails {x} - the reflection of a handmaiden upon her terrible mistress.

communication {x} - several weeks into the deconditioning process, ex-pilot rook starts to talk about what she wants.

like breathing {x} - a hacker and their newly subverted humanoid weapon come to an understanding about the balance of power between them.

entr'acte {x} - a servant waits for its lady to return home.

a very impressive beast {x} - on the merits of a mistress who is sometimes a large dog.

miniatures {mima} {on minute-dolls} {wheels within wheels} {vignette (two figures)} - work too short for a blurb to be appropriate. sweet-bitter fragments.

[creatingblackcharacters]

Hi there! This is a question, not relating to your recent topic.

Do you have any recommendations of blog/website/anything (if possible not TikTok) of fashion centered on Black designers and models? I'm specifically interested in street fashion I think it's called. As in, fashion that people wear everyday instead of runway models.

I'm following the work of Wisdom Kaye on Instagram, so I'm hoping to find more artists like that :)

Thanks!

Well, she's still on bereavement right now, but @modelsof-color has a page that is chock full of Black models and photographers, though hers is more professional and runway looks. @nyc-looks also has a lot of Black fashion designers and models coming up with unique looks as well.

But I'll happily take suggestions on this one as well.

[cavorta]

October 11, 2024 Book Review „Witch in Darkness: Magick for Tough Times, Bad Days and Moments of Total Catastrophe“ by Kelly-Ann Maddox

The blurb: The long-awaited follow-up to Kelly-Ann Maddox’s bestselling Rebel Witch is here … Witch in Darkness explores loss, fear, grief and pain through the magickal lens Guiding the reader through the concept of the craft as a life-saving, soul-nurturing practice for dark times, this book overflows with inspiration and compassion for witches in difficulty. The raw and honest tone peels back the surface layers of witchcraft’s meaning and power, inviting the reader to use magick, ritual and readings to heal and grow. When disaster strikes, a magickal practitioner has endless tools to help them build strength and hope, and face the seemingly impossible. Witch is Darkness is packed with nourishing wisdom, including advice on:

Embracing an imperfect practice 

Cleansing, grounding and shielding during tough times 

Witching through extremes Identifying high-risk and low-risk practices 

Energy management and low-maintenance magick 

Dealing with loss, grief and despair using witchcraft 

Magick and ritual for conflicts, dramas and relationship breakdowns 

Addressing mental and physical issues from the witchcraft perspective 

The book includes easy-to-follow, step-by-step instructions to make magickal action easier to execute. Discover tarot spread designs, journal prompts, words of power and excellent suggestions for shifting your mindset, alongside a great Q&A segment to clear up confusions and help you get unstuck. Spiritual counsellor and witchcraft mentor Kelly-Ann Maddox has a decade’s experience in the magickal space, offering workshops, one-to-one sessions and hundreds of informative videos on her popular YouTube channel. In this book, she draws on countless conversations with witches from all walks of life, as well as her own life journey through mental health breakdowns, struggles with self-harm and eating disorders, and heart-breaking bereavement.

Review

In my opinion, this is a much needed book for the witchcraft community. There are a few witchcraft books available about witching with chronic illnesses or disabilities, or how to deal with grief and loss from a pagan or witchcraft perspective. All of these have been published quite recently.

But this book is not limited to these topics, the author writes about several more, like dysfunctional or toxic relationships, addictions and how to support yourself and others when you do activism for social justice or other causes. In most of the chapters, there are ideas for ritual and spells, writing prompts, words of power and also several ideas for readings of Tarot or Oracle cards. The author encourages readers to tweak and adapt spells as they see fit. I have tried this with one of the spells and it went well. I also had ideas how to adapt another one and I surely will revisit this book from time to time.

Kelly-Ann Maddox writes, “You do not serve the craft; it is the craft that serves you” (p. 333). In my understanding, this opens up lots of new possibilities when thinking about doing witchcraft even if you are down in the dumps so to speak, or feel scared or helpless or are stressed-out. Kelly-Ann explains about what low-risk and high-risk witchcraft activities are and gives suggestions which to pursue in different situations and which better not.

She writes, „Witchcraft is a collection of tools for surviving and thriving. It is not a judgemental overseer that ascertains your worthiness to access it based on how much you seem to have your life together“ (p. 334) and „witchcraft is a resource, not a test“ (p. 334)

On a personal note, over the past years, I have quite often felt in a spiritual slump for weeks and felt like witchcraft was not longer easily available for me. I wish this book would already have been available back then.

The author has a unique and a bit eclectic witchcraft style, she doesn’t follow a specific tradition. If you want to learn about how to deal with your problem following a magickal tradition, this book is not a good choice I guess. For me, as a very eclectic witch, it’s really interesting.

[hisgrief]

independent and selective writing blog for GAZ JAMES TURNER, an original werewolf based in my own lore. dark, triggering topics ahead. 21+ only. WRITTEN BY YAUTJA. THEY/THEM. 30+.

A STUDY IN: grief. loss. spousal bereavement. body horror. the beast within. survivor’s guilt. moving on. acceptance. nightmares. smiling to hide the pain, and ��dismantling toxic masculinity.

| CARRD |

[mwolf0epsilon]

Achilles, Come Down

Summary: Fives knows there are limits to what he can and can't do, which is what ultimately makes him a good man.

Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide!

[Something to wrap up both Fleeting Memory and Is it Really Self-Hatred When You're No Longer You?. With how I set up the previous drabbles, it was only inevitable that something really bad had to happen before things could get any better. Thankfully, Fives is nothing if not a good brother that understands when he's severely outgunned.]

---

Ultimately, it's both denial and the heavy weight of remorse that sends things careening into the precipice of disaster.

Of course Fives had known right off the bat that things were never going to be the same once he'd rescued Tup, '22 and '16 (mostly because at the time of said rescue, he was considered a fugitive of the law). But never could he have foretold things going quite as badly as they unfortunately did...

Because not even ARC training could throw you for such a curve-ball.

It especially hadn't prepared him or his fellow troopers for an issue where things couldn't be resolved with some sound logic, quick thinking, and (if push come to shove) a little bit of brute force. But, at the very least, Fives was more than capable of recognizing when he was outmatched.

You wouldn't be able to tell if you knew of him only through whatever it was his brothers sang about him in 79's, at the peak of the night, when their courage was high and the pain of speaking of Umbara was more than dulled.

He'd risked it all then. He'd risked even more when he'd found out about the chips. Hells he would risk what little remained once he became a PI... But, as confident as he was in his own abilities, Fives wasn't stupid enough to think he was immortal. Or, at the very least, he wasn't incapable of learning from his mistakes.

The warehouse had been enough of a close call.

Sure being drugged out of his mind could excuse the incident a little, but he'd still made a terrible decision that he'd only escaped from because Fox had quite literally been dying when he'd taken the shot.

From there on out, he vowed to play it safer. Which is what he'd decided to do when things with Tup and '22 finally came to a head.

In hindsight, he should have done something the moment he realized Tup was clinging to the past too tightly. The younger trooper so afraid of his now faulty memory, that he'd latched onto '22 and refused to see anyone but Dogma. Refused to acknowledge that what he was doing was extremely harmful to both himself, and the brother he was trying to reshape into the memory of a lost vod.

Regretfully, Fives hadn't acted immediately. Had turned a blind eye and endured long nights of whispered secrets that broke his heart in twain. Hoped that his own understanding of such all-consuming loss, would give him the power to help Tup come to terms with this whole ordeal in some way...

What he'd ended up doing was enabling Tup into becoming hyper-fixated on the sense of loss. Let him reminisce so much about Dogma, that soon enough that was all that the bereaved man could talk about at all. And the more he pushed this topic, the more Fives noticed '22's gaze darken whenever he was in their company. The distance between them on the couch during his accompanied study sessions, growing more lengthy and noticeable by the day...

And then when Echo had been found, things had only gotten worse.

Tup stopped talking to him. Stopped confiding as much as he used to. Eyes equal parts sad and angry as he watched the two of them from afar. He was no Jedi, but Fives could practically sense the growing jealousy in his vod'ika... Just as he could sense the resentment building up in '22.

He'd been at a loss for what to do. Caught up between wanting to watch over his recovering twin, studying to help the vode, and trying to resolve the rising tension between Tup and '22. There was a huge problem, and Fives hadn't known how to fix it...

So he found someone that could.

The call to Cody came at a stupidly lucky time.

While Fives spent most of his days on Coruscant resting and studying, the commander still spent his out in the frontlines with general Kenobi and his men. Tying up loose ends that not even the defeat of Palpatine could quite bring a conclusion to (at least not a speedy one).

When he'd finally gotten a hold of the man, he'd practically just awoken from a post-landing nap, and he'd graciously let Fives explain the situation to him over comms while he made himself a caf.

If anyone could offer some sympathy over this impromptu venting session, it was certainly Cody. He'd taken in '16 after Fives had brought him, Tup and '22 to Coruscant. Said something along the lines of feeling personally responsible for him, and that the man's Bean deserved to know what happened to him in the end...

Last he'd checked with Kix (the medics's network often kept a tight lip on this sort of thing, but they weren't opposed to passing on positive news when they could), '16 was apparently thriving. The 212th's medical team had reported a considerable decrease in self-destructive behavior.

And the ARC had been just about to ask for advice on how to improve things for '22 when all hell broke loose.

Tup Bean had run to him screaming. Wailing and just about tripping himself up, as he unintentionally lost control of his little body which flopped like wet spaghetti as it extended and twisted in odd spirally shapes. Completely bent out of shape. Something had gone wrong and the little guy had come to him for help.

Fives only managed to understand "Two Two" and "Roof" before he found himself sprinting and asking the Commander for backup.

Unfortunate as it was to admit, it wouldn't be the first time that a brother had done something like this. He just hadn't thought '22 was so unhappy that he'd choose to end his own life. He could have never imagined things had been at that low of a point for him.

And perhaps that was a fault in himself that he desperately needed to sort out once he was sure no one ended up dead on his watch.

When he got to the roof, Cody was already there. The 212th had the upper-floors of the barracks to themselves on the north wing of the GAR headquarters. It wouldn't surprise him in the slightest if he'd simply jumped out of an open window and climbed all the way to the south wing in an impressive display of physical prowess.

Fives watched them quietly from the stairs, ready to act if need be (although he doubted anything was going to happen from that point onward). Mostly, he just stood there and felt useless as he watched the commander speak to '22 in a way none of the 501st had.

With his own personal experience of what it was the younger man was going through.

Once upon a time he'd been Coh, the little CC terror that had been so difficult to handle that the Kaminoans had tried to do something about it. Once upon a time his own brothers and refused to engage with him, because he wasn't Coh anymore and they hadn't know how to deal with that.

He understood how much it hurt for someone to look at him, while clearly searching for someone else.

Not too far from the two sat their respective beans. DB looked frazzled as he watched the two troopers interact, while Coh fussed over him like a mother tooka fussed over its young. Nipping at stray strands of hair and smoothing them back over, with a few quick licks and a few pats with his nubs.

In the last couple of weeks DB had grown more aggressive towards Tup. Biting at his fingers in warning and putting himself in between the two as much as he could with his diminutive little body.

He had also sat on Fives's datapads and hardcovers. Staring up expectantly while trying to stall his reading. Had clearly seemed to expect better of him and everyone else in regards to the whole situation, and shown that he was still more than capable of holding a grudge against anyone that so much as looked at '22 the wrong way.

Despite the loss of his trooper (of their deep connection) and the changes it had caused in him, DB had still done what he thought was best for '22's sake. Extending kindness and never once asking for anything in return. Hells, the little guy still vanished into the vents instead of sticking too close to his new shaky friend.

Fives should have known that the little guy was trying to show them how to do right by their brother. Show them that, even in the face of pain as strong as the loss of a loved one, that respecting the fact he and Dogma were different people was ultimately the right thing to do. Something they'd failed to do repeatedly until it finally pushed him over the brink.

And now there was just no going back.

Perhaps among the 212th there might be a chance for '22 to get back on his feet. The support network that would be available to him did, after all, have at least one person that had first-hand experience with just how hard it was to rebuild one's self after a recon. And '16's presence and progress might reassure '22 that he wouldn't just be cast aside and left to rot. That he wouldn't be stuck listening to others wishing so terribly loudly for the impossible. That he wasn't a burden or a lost cause.

Ultimately, Fives decides it's the better option. So he doesn't protest when '22 agrees to go with Cody. He also understands perfectly when the shaky vod declines to give Tup a chance to apologize or say goodbye. After what transpired, it just wasn't a good idea for them to see each other for a while. Not while they were both in such a vulnerable state...

Not that explaining that to Tup after Fives rescued him from a locked closet would be any easier. If anything, his vod'ika might refuse to talk to him for some time. But that was fine. Tup might need some time to actually think about some things instead of remaining in denial and chasing after a ghost.

That said... He might need to have a word with the medics and push for some measures to be put in place. They'd gotten comfortable going into the Jedi Halls of Healing recently. Maybe they knew a mind-healer that specialized in this sort of thing?

The long-haired trooper would certainly benefit from something like that.

[calfrxca]

[JUDGEMENT]

no way, cal returns from his art hiatus to post gay people and returns from hiatus for good :00 ??? no- im. im still on hiatus, my escapades to vatican city and specifically st peter's basillica last month just caused some brainworms LMFAO, i have. way too much to say about this specific piece and how my reading of the illiad and the war that killed achilles made it so much stronger

also before you ask, yes this is based on michelangelo's pietà in the vatican, dont even TRY to @ me

my yappings aside

ordo (the guy with the fuckass pipe in his chest) belongs to @gemsbokk !!!

meanings and yappings regarding this piece below the cut as usual, i dont expect anyone to read this, i just need to get this out or i'll actually EXPLODE

(upright) improvement, forgiveness, change of perspectives, absolution and rebirth

(reversed) oppression, lack of self awareness, failure, repeated mistakes, and self loathing

generally, in roman mythos as a whole, there's this whole idea that cannibalism, incest, murder, whatever, doesnt apply to the olympians because of their status as "The Divine" and any mortal who tries to do the same will be met with divine punishment from said olympians [many times, a mortal's fatal flaw is hubris, see achilles who believed he was immortal and a god because of how successful he was on the battlefield; icarus who flew too close to the sun and died, a literal modern day saying in the west for man's own hubris, etc] and if i remember correctly, some renditions of the illiad depict the myceaneans as cannibals. the war that killed achilles specifically writes:

"In the apocryphal Acts of Andres (dating to the 3rd century A.D.), there is 'a city of the cannibals,' which is identified as Myrmidon; it is possible that this account taps into some more ancient, and savage, lost tradition."

and my recent escapades to the roman colosseum revealed that the romans regularly consumed blood because they believed it had health benefits to it and they thought it cured epilepsy [paper written by the NBCI on this topic]; is there any historical basis proving that the consumption of blood actually had health benefits? no clue, nor do i really feel like checking these exact logistics at the moment (but if anyone does, feel free to @ me about it, i love weird historical shit like this), the actual effects behind it are moot, what's relevant here is the idea

the idea of consumption and cannibalism turning one into a god have the same effects as how, in greek mythos, the gods were often depicted engaging in acts such as incest, cannibalism, whatever, acts that we as mortals define as "immoral" and "unjust," not only just to seperate them from humans but also show that morals are a very fickle, human thing

anyways, my point here is there's something so raw about tacet losing it to the point he's not even just eating mechanical parts, but he's also eating organic parts, see: organic hearts, guts, kidneys, the like

"No matter how many men you eat boy, you will not be a god."

i mean tacet himself masks his desperation for touch and sensuality with literal blood and guts, which then creates a feedback loop of violence and death, which is a reoccurring theme in greek tragedies; specifically observed and mentioned in emily wilson's translation of the illiad:

"When a man is slain in times of peace, families can gain partial compensation for their loss by exacting a blood-price from the killer. Killers may also be forced to leave the community and take refuge elsewhere, as Patroclus did as a boy after he accidentally killed another boy in an argument over a game; he was adopted by his cousin Peleus and raised beside Achilles, like an older brother. In such cases, the killer's loss of his original home comforts the family in their need for vengeance. But in war, killers recognize no binding obligation to compensate the families of their victims. The only way the bereaved can recoup their losses is to kill the killer—whose comrades will demand vengeance in their turn. Killing begets killing, death begets death, and every loss of life generates further loss of life."

another instance is observed in the emily wilson translation here:

"When it is too late to save a warrior's life, friends and kinsmen may be able at least to save his weapons and his armor. If those have been stripped, the companions of the dead man may at least save his body."

there's a certain trope found in media, especially queer media where cannibalism and consumption are a common metaphor for love (see hannibal and interview with a vampire), and considering their dynamic was written in the midst of a hannibal brainrot im not exactly surprised there's a lot of similarities here

namely, tacet was a cannibalism from the start, starting drinking energon just as a more cost and time efficient way to staying fueled, but it turned into an addiction and eventually was lauded as something holy (there's something to be said here about the christian idea of wine and crackers being symbols of christ's blood and body; communion, the eucharist, whatever); i cant remember if this was canon or not so don't quote me on this

but at some point, tacet convinced ordo to try cannibalism as well, just to "see what would happen," went well enough until ordo got the fuckass pipe in his chest; something something play on the idea of cannibalism is only reserved for the divine; ordo died and tacet lost ordo

queer tragedy is very much a phenomenon found in greek and roman mythos, and well. this feels like it fits

alright im done yapping for now, my head hurts now, thanks for listening to my ted talk

here's some pics from rome and venice as a thanks LMFAO

i'll add image IDs to these once my headache goes away I PROMISE

[justforbooks]

Fleur Adcock

One of the leading New Zealand and British poets of her generation who was fascinated by the past and ancestral voices

Fleur Adcock, who has died aged 90, was one of the best loved and most esteemed poets in Britain and New Zealand. The full span of her work from 1960 until 2024 was published earlier this year in a 600-page volume of collected poems to coincide with her 90th birthday. She also translated Latin and Romanian verse, and edited The Oxford Book of Contemporary New Zealand Poetry (1982) and The Faber Book of Twentieth Century Women’s Poetry (1987).

Fleur’s deceptively relaxed conversational style is often barbed with an oblique take on reality. As the poet laureate Carol Ann Duffy said: “The sharper edge of her talent is encountered like a razor blade in a peach.”

Her poetry deals with life’s surprises and oddities, the unexpected or unexplained that can cut the ground from beneath your feet. Take the conceit of Regression, a poem from 1967: “All the flowers have gone back into the ground.” What appears familiar and recognisable becomes uncannily different as in dreams or nightmares.

In the same way Fleur probes the everyday with psychological accuracy. This appears in even her most tender poems, such as On a Son Returned to New Zealand (1971), about her first-born son, on his way home to his father: full of motherly pride in the first two lines – “He is my green branch growing in a green plantation. / He is my first invention” – she acknowledges the pain of parting with the wry comment, “No one can be in two places at once”.

Yet she is equally adept at melodrama: the awful realisation of the mistakes one has made, that haunt us in the middle of the night, occurs in Things (1979) when, at 5am: “All the worse things come stalking in / and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse”.

Fleur not only wrote about children, lovers, family relations, and increasingly, as she got older, her ancestors, but her world of affections, as the Australian poet Peter Porter called it, extends to animals both mythical and real, insects and creatures. In her precise observation, even the most insignificant or repellent win her admiration.

Slugs coupling “glide about, / silently undulating: two / slugs in a circle, tail to snout” and she exults at their climax: “they’ve dressed themselves in a cloud of foam, / a frothy veil for love-in-a-mist”.

In the groundswell of women’s poetry of the 1980s, Fleur – one of the few female poets to have joined Edward Lucie-Smith’s circle, the Group, in 1963 – became a voice to be listened to. She was an influence on a younger generation of poets that included Duffy, Carol Rumens, Vicki Feaver and Jo Shapcott, especially in writing about subjects such as smoking, celibacy, old age, masturbation, illness and bereavement, and thus opening up new topics for poetry.

There were some risqué tongue-in-cheek poems acclaiming the solo woman, like Smokers for Celibacy (1991), which concludes “Altogether, we’ve come to the conclusion that sex is a drag. / Just give us a fag”. Others celebrate women as superstars, fantastic figures of legend, elevated stratospherically, such as The Ex-Queen Among the Astronomers (1979), whose “hair / crackles, her eyes are comet-sparks” and who “brings the distant briefly close /above his dreamy abstract stare”.

Fleur was born in Papakura, in New Zealand’s North Island, to Cyril Adcock (who published as CJ Adcock), a teacher, and Irene (nee Robinson), a music teacher and writer. Fleur’s sister, Marilyn (later the acclaimed novelist Marilyn Duckworth), was born the following year.

In 1939 the family travelled to Britain so that Cyril could study for a doctorate in psychology at Birkbeck College, London, with war breaking out while the move was in progress. The sisters were evacuated, first to Grange Farm in Leicestershire – but other moves followed and Fleur counted 11 schools in seven and a half years.

Upon the family’s return to New Zealand, she studied classics at Wellington girls’ college and Te Herenga Waka – Victoria University of Wellington. In 1952 she married the poet Alistair Te Ariki Campbell, and they had two sons, Gregory and Andrew. They divorced in 1958; a second marriage of five months followed in 1962, to the writer Barry Crump, before Fleur departed for Britain in 1963.

She had already written most of her first collection, The Eye of the Hurricane (1964), which was published in New Zealand: many of these poems are placeless, reflecting her passion for the English landscape and inability to engage with the natural world of her native country.

When settings appear, as in her next volume, Tigers (1967), published in the UK, there is a sting. Stewart Island (1971) begins: “‘But look at all this beauty,’ / said the hotel manager’s wife”. It concludes with the image of a seagull descending with jabbing beak, and her comment, “I had already / decided to leave the country.”

Although Fleur’s work fitted into the mainstream of postwar British poetry despite its outsider interrogations, she carried out her personal explorations with the zeal of a newcomer. She developed a passion for places and journeys: the landscapes of Northern Ireland introduced her to her maternal roots, and made her aware of the ethnic complexity of her New Zealand identity; she fell in love with the Lake District, discovering Dorothy Wordsworth’s journals, as Arts Council creative writing fellow at Charlotte Mason College of Education in Ambleside (1977-78) , and then with the north of England, as Northern Arts literary fellow at the Universities of Newcastle and Durham.

Well established by then, and familiar to many as a poetry commentator for the BBC, she resigned in 1979 from her position at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office library to become a full-time writer. Later she supported herself when necessary by tutoring for the creative writing organisation Arvon.

After the publication of Poems 1960-2000 (2000), Fleur stopped writing for a decade. But then a late flowering occurred, with five new volumes, enough to double her previous output, as she became, in her words, “embarrassingly prolific”.

A strong motivating factor was her fascination with the past and ancestral voices; this was tied up with her reconciliation with New Zealand, a reunion effected over decades by constant travel back and forth, but now more intensely focused on the early years, her parents and their colonial origins.

It was a sideways glance at her country of origin, fuelled by her curiosity about places and her unceasing search for connectivity, an elliptical rather than a full circle. Poems in The Land Ballot (2015) and Hoard (2017) record excursions and road trips: titles include Kuaotunu, Rangiwahia, Drury, Pakiri, Ruakaka, Alfriston, Helensville and Raglan. Reviving memories, they fill in those gaps invisible in the earlier work that had shaped her poetic signature.

They also completed Fleur’s voyage of discovery within the frameworks of her immediate past, the genealogical past and the deeper past of New Zealand’s colonial history.

Among many honours Fleur was awarded the Queen’s Medal for Poetry in 2006 and the New Zealand Prime Minister’s award for literary achievement in poetry, 2019.

She is survived by her sons, Gregory and Andrew, six grandchildren, Oliver, Lilian, Julia, Ella, Cait and Rosa, and seven great-grandchildren, Charlie, Ash, Seth, Alexandra, Jean, Ella and Mira Fleur, and by her sister, Marilyn.

🔔 Fleur Adcock, poet, born 10 February 1934; died 10 October 2024

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[starkissecl]

A PINAR DENIZ lookalike just arrived in Aureum City, pulling up in their BLACK MASERATI LEVANTE like they own the place. SELIN ALARA YILMAZ just celebrated their TWENTY-SIXTH birthday, and rumor has it they’ve already started making waves. Some say they’re CALCULATING, but others swear they’re DEVOTED — either way, they won’t go unnoticed for long. With a reputation building in LUMINA DISTRICT, they’re bound to attract attention. You might recognize them as an ACTRESS/PHILANTHROPIST, but soon enough, they’ll be known for something much more interesting. ( IC cis-female / she/her )

aesthetics — sun-warmed skin and lemon balm, floral dresses spinning in city gardens, morning runs with podcast earbuds, handwritten thank-you notes, iced lavender lattes, gala gowns and genuine smiles, glass offices with fresh peonies on the desk, silver hoop earrings and a soft laugh, sunscreen on collarbones, hugging like she means it, pain turned into purpose, photos of her parents tucked between journal pages, kindness that lingers long after she leaves.

CHARACTER TRIGGER WARNINGS: Parental death (car accident), Grief and bereavement, Teen emancipation / foster care system themes (avoided via emancipation), Mental health topics (specifically anxiety, teen mental illness, and nonprofit work focused on trauma support), Philanthropy tied to tragedy / emotional vulnerability.

BASICS

full name: Selin Alara Yilmaz nickname(s): Sel, Alara (used by family), “Sunshine” (by tabloids) date of birth: November 4 zodiac sign: Scorpio gender: Cis-female pronouns: She/Her sexuality: Heterosexual occupation: Actress & Philanthropist known as: A rising star with real substance — the golden girl who actually gives a damn social media: @ selin.alara

FAMILY

mother: Leyla Yilmaz (deceased) relationship: Warm, nurturing, and deeply close. They used to dance in the kitchen to old Turkish love songs. Selin still wears her mother’s ring on bad days. father: Mehmet Yilmaz (deceased) relationship: Encouraging, gentle, her biggest supporter. His old watch sits beside her bed — always set to the time of his last call. siblings: Only child — though she’s known to “adopt” the people she loves.

APPEARANCE, VOICE, & MANNERISMS

face-claim: Pinar Deniz hair: Dark brown, thick and wavy — usually worn long or in a low ponytail eye color: Hazel-green with flecks of gold height: 5’6” body type: Slender but strong — a dancer’s grace, an athlete’s stamina skin color: Olive-toned scent: Neroli, fig leaves, warm honey — soft but unforgettable general wardrobe description: Either playful and vibrant (ruffles, florals, bright colors) or clean-cut and powerful (blazers, heels, sharp tailoring). Always polished, never boring. dominant hand: Right disorders: Experiences generalized anxiety, managed with therapy and wellness routines tattoos: A delicate tulip behind her left ear (her mother’s favorite flower) piercings: Simple double lobes, often wearing fine gold hoops or pearl studs habits: Doodling in margins, overthanking people, squeezing someone’s hand when she’s worried, stashing snacks in her designer purses

PERSONALITY

label(s): The Golden Heart, The Gentle Force, The Survivor positive character traits: Kind, grounded, optimistic, driven, empathetic, eloquent, generous, emotionally intelligent negative character traits: Self-sacrificing, overly responsible, prone to burnout, avoids conflict until it boils over, hides pain behind smiles fears: Losing more people she loves. Failing the causes she believes in. lucky number: 6 sociability: Naturally extroverted — but needs alone time to recharge emotionally

FAVORITES

drink: Hot apple tea or matcha lattes flowers: Tulips and jasmine time of day: Early morning, when the world is still quiet and hopeful weather: Crisp spring days with a soft breeze color(s): Pale yellow, coral pink, powder blue animal(s): Swans and golden retrievers — graceful and loyal

ADDITIONAL TID-BITS

mbti: INFJ – The Advocate enneagram: Type 2 (The Helper), wing 1 (The Reformer) temperament: Phlegmatic with a touch of Sanguine hogwarts house: Hufflepuff with Gryffindor tendencies seven deadly sins: Envy (low), Pride (low), Wrath (very low) seven heavenly virtues: Charity element: Water — fluid, healing, and deep anger type: Gentle until the final straw, then devastatingly articulate love style: Agape — unconditional, loyal, and all-encompassing love type: The Soulmate Seeker — she believes in once-in-a-lifetime, even if it’s naïve self-knowledge: High empathy, high altruism, average authority archetypes: 46% Caregiver | 37% Advocate | 17% Creative what shape does your pain take: Sea — quiet, vast, and sometimes impossible to escape what color is your muse: #ADD8E6 — soft sky blue where does your soul belong: Inside a sun-dappled greenhouse, growing back what was lost dark core personality: Exceptionally low — 4% total dark core why are you unlovable: You give so much away, there’s none left for yourself your plant personality: Passionflower — nurturing, idealistic, sensitive to the world’s pain tea type: Echinacea — healer, protector, purposeful how do you best like to be loved: Stay with me while the storm is strong what kind of sexual deviant are you: The Soft Burn — sweet at first, but full of suppressed craving once trust is earned

BACKGROUND INFORMATION

Born in Istanbul to two deeply loving parents — Leyla, a former literature professor with a poetic soul, and Mehmet, a respected civil engineer who always came home in time for dinner. Their home was filled with music, sunlight, and books annotated in the margins. Love was loud, present, and warm.

Selin grew up in a bilingual household where kindness was the first language. Her mother taught her that strength didn’t have to be sharp, and her father showed her how to build things that lasted — both literally and emotionally.

Acting came naturally. She had a gift for slipping into other skins, expressing things that even adults couldn’t articulate. She booked her first commercial at age seven. By twelve, she was a rising name in Turkish television. But she never lost her softness.

When Selin was sixteen, everything changed. Her parents were killed instantly in a car crash on their way to see her film a scene. The loss split her world in half. One day, she was their daughter. The next, she was everyone’s orphan.

To avoid the foster system, Selin filed for emancipation — citing her earnings, her contracts, her independence. A judge approved it. A few tabloids reported on it. But no one really asked how it felt to go home to an apartment with no one waiting.

Grief became her constant companion. She buried herself in work, chasing roles that let her scream, cry, run — feel anything at all. She began writing in secret, journaling conversations with her parents she’d never get to have.

At seventeen, she founded the YILDIZ FOUNDATION, named after her mother’s favorite poem. Its mission: to provide mental health support and grief counseling for teenagers who lose their guardians — especially those forced to grow up too fast.

She didn’t want sympathy. She wanted systems to change. She began speaking at conferences, using her spotlight to push for legislation and funding. She smiled on red carpets, then testified before policymakers the next morning.

Her style became its own kind of armor: floral prints and frills when she wanted to feel bright, sharply tailored suits when she had to be taken seriously. She dresses like a dreamer or a CEO — depending on the day, and the battlefield.

Though admired by many, Selin keeps her inner circle small. She is warm but guarded. She loves easily, but reveals herself slowly. Vulnerability feels like home and a threat all at once.

Now twenty-six, Selin has become both a star and a shelter. Her performances are lauded, her nonprofit growing, her presence electric yet soothing. But even in the brightest rooms, there’s a part of her that still looks for her parents’ faces in the crowd.

Some call her “too good,” as if compassion is a performance. Others whisper that she’s hiding something behind that smile. But Selin knows the truth: she survived her worst day and still chose softness. That will always be her power.