#only been drawing for the past 5 years or so and am still very new to most stuff

[twistedroseytoesy]

heartslabul art?!

please ignore the fact that there is no color and that many anatomical errors exist. just wanted to share my atempts to draw the monster boys. There will be one for each dorm and even for the staff. Might take a while but oh well.

Fairly proud of this set! The hardest thing honestly was those weird outfits and details. Also anime hair is hard…

anyway wanted to share the sketches I’ve made for the monster AU! Hope you like it!

[colleendoran]

Great Big Good Omens Graphic Novel Update

AKA A Visit From Bildad the Shuhite.

The past year or so has been one long visit from this guy, whereupon he smiteth my goats and burneth my crops, woe unto the woeful cartoonist.

Gaze upon the horror of Bildad the Shuhite.

You kind of have to be a Good Omens fan to get this joke, but trust me, it's hilarious.

Anyway, as a long time Good Omens novel fan, you may imagine how thrilled I was to get picked to adapt the graphic novel.

 Go me!  

This is quite a task, I have to say, especially since I was originally going to just draw (and color) it, but I ended up writing the adaptation as well. Tricky to fit a 400 page novel into a 160-ish page graphic novel, especially when so much of the humor is dependent on the language, and not necessarily on the visuals.

Not complainin', just sayin'.

Anyway, I started out the gate like a herd of turtles, because  right away I got COVID which knocked me on my butt. 

And COVID brain fog? That's a thing. I already struggle with brain fog due to autoimmune disease, and COVID made it worse.

Not complainin' just sayin'.

This set a few of the assignments on my plate back, which pushed starting Good Omens back. 

But hey, big fat lead time! No worries!

Then my computer crawled toward the grave.

My trusty MAC Pro Tower was nearly 15 years old when its sturdy heart ground to a near-halt with daily crashes. I finally got around to doing some diagnostics; some of its little brain actions were at 5% functionality. I had no reliable backups.

There are so many issues with getting a new computer when you haven't had a new computer or peripherals in nearly fifteen years and all of your software, including your Photoshop program is fifteen years old.

At the time, I was still on rural internet...which means dial-up speed.

Whatever you have for internet in the city, roll that clock back to about 2001.

That's what I had. I not only had to replace almost all of my hardware but I had to load and update all programs at dial-up speed.

Welcome to my gigabyte hell.

The entire process of replacing the equipment and programs took weeks and then I had to relearn all the software.

All of this was super expensive in terms of money and time cost.

But I was not daunted! Nosirree!

I still had a huge lead time! I can do anything! I have an iron will!

And boy, howdy, I was going to need it.

At about the same time, a big fatcat quadrillionaire client who had hired me years ago to develop a big, major transmedia project for which I was paid almost entirely in stock, went bankrupt leaving everyone holding the bag, and taking a huge chunk of my future retirement fund with it.

I wrote a very snarky almost hilarious Patreon post about it, but am not entirely in a position to speak freely because I don't want to get sued. Even though I had to go to court over it, (and I had to do that over Zoom at dial-up speed,) I'm pretty sure I'll never get anything out of this drama, and neither will anyone else involved, except millionaire dude and his buddies who all walked away with huge multi-million dollar bonuses weeks before they declared bankruptcy, all the while claiming they would not declare bankruptcy.

Even the accountant got $250,000 a month to shut down the business, while creators got nothing.

That in itself was enough drama for the year, but we were only at February by that point, and with all those months left, 2023 had a lot more to throw at me.

Fresh from my return from my Society of Illustrators show, and a lovely time at MOCCA, it was time to face practical medical issues, health updates, screening, and the like. I did my adult duty and then went back to work hoping for no news, but still had a weird feeling there would be news.

I know everyone says that, but I mean it. I had a bad feeling.

Then there was news.

I was called back for tests and more tests. This took weeks. The ubiquitous biopsy looked, even to me staring at the screen in real time, like bad news. 

It also hurt like a mofo after the anesthesia wore off. I wasn't expecting that.

Then I got the official bad news.

Cancer which runs in my family finally got me. Frankly, I was surprised I didn't get it sooner.

Stage 0, and treatment would likely be fast and complication-free. Face the peril, get it over with, and get back to work. 

I requested surgery months in the future so I could finish Good Omens first, but my doc convinced me the risk of waiting was too great. Get it done now.

"You're really healthy," my doc said. Despite an auto-immune issue which plagues me, I am way healthier than the average schmoe of late middle age. She informed me I would not even need any chemo or radiation if I took care of this now.

So I canceled my appearance at San Diego Comic Con. I did not inform the Good Omens team of my issues right away, thinking this would not interfere with my work schedule, but I did contact my agent to inform her of the issue. I also contacted a lawyer to rewrite my will and make sure the team had access to my digital files in case there were complications.

Then I got back to work, and hoped for the best.

Eff this guy.

Before I could even plant my carcass on the surgery table, I got a massive case of ocular shingles.

I didn't even know there was such a thing. 

There I was, minding my own business. I go to bed one night with a scratchy eye, and by 4 PM the next day, I was in the emergency room being told if I didn't get immediate specialist treatment, I was in big trouble.

I got transferred to another hospital and got all the scary details, with the extra horrid news that I could not possibly have cancer surgery until I was free of shingles, and if I did not follow a rather brutal treatment procedure - which meant super-painful  eye drops every half hour, twenty-four hours a day and daily hospital treatment - I could lose the eye entirely, or be blinded, or best case scenario, get permanent eye damage.

What was even funnier (yeah, hilarity) is the drops are so toxic if you don't use the medication just right, you can go blind anyway.

Hi Ho.

Ulcer is on the right. That big green blob.

I had just finished telling my cancer surgeon I did not even really care about getting cancer, was happy it was just stage zero, had no issues with scarring, wanted no reconstruction, all I cared about was my work. 

Just cut it out and get me back to work.

And now I wondered if I was going to lose my ability to work anyway.

Shingles often accompanies cancer because of the stress on the immune system, and yeah, it's not pretty. This is me looking like all heck after I started to get better.

The first couple of weeks were pretty demoralizing as I expected a straight trajectory to wellness. But it was up and down all the way. 

Some days I could not see out of either eye at all. The swelling was so bad that I had to reach around to my good eye to prop the lid open. Light sensitivity made seeing out of either eye almost impossible. Outdoors, even with sunglasses, I had to be led around by the hand.

I had an amazing doctor. I meticulously followed his instructions, and I think he was surprised I did. The treatment is really difficult, and if you don't do it just right no matter how painful it gets, you will be sorry. 

To my amazement, after about a month, my doctor informed me I had no vision loss in the eye at all. "This never happens," he said.

I'd spent a couple of weeks there trying to learn to draw in the near-dark with one eye, and in the end, I got all my sight back.

I could no longer wear contact lenses (I don't really wear them anyway, unless I'm going to the movies,) would need hard core sun protection for awhile, and the neuralgia and sun sensitivity were likely to linger. But I could get back to work.

I have never been more grateful in my life.

Neuralgia sucks, by the way, I'm still dealing with it months later.

Anyway, I decided to finally go ahead and tell the Good Omens team what was going on, especially since this was all happening around the time the Kickstarter was gearing up.

Now that I was sure I'd passed the eye peril, and my surgery for Stage 0 was going to be no big deal, I figured all was a go. I was still pretty uncomfortable and weak, and my ideal deadline was blown, but with the book not coming out for more than a year, all would be OK. I quit a bunch of jobs I had lined up to start after Good Omens, since the project was going to run far longer than I'd planned.

Everybody on the team was super-nice, and I was pretty optimistic at this time. But work was going pretty slow during, as you may imagine.

But again...lots of lead time still left, go me.

Then I finally got my surgery.

Which was not as happy an experience as I had been hoping for.

My family said the doc came out of the operating room looking like she'd been pulled backwards through a pipe, She informed them the tumor which looked tiny on the scan was "...huge and her insides are a mess."

Which was super not fun news.

Eff this guy.

The tumor was hiding behind some dense tissue and cysts. After more tests, it was determined I'd need another surgery and was going to have to get further treatments after all.

The biopsy had been really painful, but the discomfort was gone after about a week, so no biggee. The second surgery was, weirdly, not as painful as the biopsy, but the fatigue was big time.

By then, the Good Omens Kickstarter had about run its course, and the record-breaker was both gratifying and a source of immense social pressure.

I'd already turned most of my social media over to an assistant, and I'm glad I did.

But the next surgery was what really kicked me on my keister.

All in all, they took out an area the size of a baseball. It was  hard to move and wiped me out for weeks and weeks. I could not take care of myself. I'd begun losing hair by this time anyway, and finally just lopped it off since it was too heavy for me to care for myself. The cut hides the bald spots pretty well.

After about a month, I got the go-ahead to travel to my show at the San Diego Comic Con Museum (which is running until the first week of April, BTW). I was very happy I had enough energy to do it. But as soon as I got back, I had to return to treatment.

Since I live way out in the country, going into the city to various hospitals and pharmacies was a real challenge. I made more than 100 trips last year, and a drive to the compounding pharmacy which produced the specialist eye medicine I could not get anywhere else was six hours alone.

Naturally, I wasn't getting anything done during this time.

But at least my main hospital is super swank.

The oncology treatment went smoothly, until it didn't. The feels don't hit you until the end. By then I was flattened.

So flattened that I was too weak to control myself, fell over, and smashed my face into some equipment.

Nearly tore off my damn nostril.

Eff this guy.

Anyway, it was a bad year.

Here's what went right.

I have a good health insurance policy. The final tally on my health care costs ended up being about $150,000. I paid about 18% of that, including insurance. I had a high deductible and some experimental medicine insurance didn't cover. I had savings,  enough to cover the months I wasn't working, and my Patreon is also very supportive. So you didn't see me running a Gofundme or anything.

Thanks to everyone who ever bought one of my books.

No, none of that money was Good Omens Kickstarter money. I won't get most of my pay on that for months, which is just as well because it kept my taxes lower last year when I needed a break.

So, yay.

My nose is nearly healed. I opted out of plastic surgery, and it just sealed up by itself. I'll never be ready for my closeup, but who the hell cares.

I got to ring the bell.

I had a very, VERY hard time getting back to work, especially with regard to focus and concentration. My work hours dropped by over 2/3. I was so fractured and weak, time kept slipping away while I sat in the studio like a zombie. Most of the last six months were a wash.

I assumed focus issues were due (in part) to stress, so sought counseling. This seemed like a good idea at first, but when the counselor asked me to detail my issues with anxiety, I spent two weeks doing just that and getting way more anxious, which was not helpful.

After that I went EFF THIS NOISE, I want practical tools, not touchy feelies (no judgment on people who need touchy-feelies, I need a pragmatic solution and I need it now,) so tried using the body doubling focus group technique for concentration and deep work.

Within two weeks, I returned to normal work hours.

I got rural broadband, jumping me from dial up speed to 1 GB per second.

It's a miracle.

Massive doses of Vitamin D3 and K2. Yay.

The new computer works great.

The Kickstarter did so well, we got to expand the graphic novel to 200 pages. Double yay.

I'm running late, but everyone on the Good Omens team is super supportive. I don't know if I am going to make the book late or not, but if I do, well, it surely wasn't on purpose, and it won't be super late anyway. I still have months of lead time left.

I used to be something of a social media addict, but now I hardly ever even look at it, haven't been directly on some sites in over a year, and no longer miss it. It used to seem important and now doesn't.

More time for real life.

While I think the last year aged me about twenty years, I actually like me better with short hair. I'm keeping it.

OK. Rough year. 

Not complainin', just sayin'.

Back to work on The Book.

And only a day left to vote for Good Omens, Neil Gaiman, and Sandman in the Comicscene Awards. Thanks. 

[redgoldsparks]

March Reading and Reviews by Maia Kobabe

I post my reviews throughout the month on Storygraph and Goodreads, and do roundups here and on patreon. Reviews below the cut.

Delicious in Dungeon vol 4 by Ryoko Kui

I'm reading these books so fast I can barely remember which parts of the plot happened in which volume but know that I am still having a great time!

Delicious in Dungeon vol 5 by Ryoko Kui

Oh, this story has taken a darker turn, and also just introduced a whole bunch more characters. Will I be able to keep track of them all? I hope so!

Dragon Keeper by Robin Hobb, read by Anne Flosnik 

Unfortunately, this is definitely the weakest Robin Hobb book I've read so far. I was expecting to like it less than the glorious, 5-star previous trilogy, but I actually think I'm going to skip the rest of the Rain Wild Chronicles and read summaries online to get to the next Fitz books. This book follows five main POV characters. This works fairly well for the first half, when the characters are all in different physical locations. However once all of the characters meet up, we start getting the same scene from multiple different POVs, which feels extremely repetitive. Also, almost EVERY SCENE includes a flashback, often a lengthy flashback, sometimes to something that happened only the previous day and could have been told as present-moment action. This writing choice baffled me. It's something I can't remember struggling with in any of Hobb's previous books, but by the end it was driving me up a wall. The book also moved very slowly; the stakes feel lower, and the character far less emotionally true than in the two Fitz trilogies. Disappointing, but I will keep moving forward towards the next part of the series I want to read.

Delicious in Dungeon vol 6 by Ryoko Kui

Damn, a lot of characters get murdered in this volume! Good thing almost everyone who dies in the dungeon can be revived. Also, very excited to finally meet the cat ninja I've been seeing fan art of since before I even started the series :3

Delicious in Dungeon vol 7 by Ryoko Kui

I am still completely caught up in this series. I love the glimpse of Senshi's past revealed in this volume, and the lore of the dungeon that is still being revealed. There was a line in here about how the dungeon leaves you alone if you don't ask much of it, but that if you have strong desires it throws even more obstacles into your way. Our heroes have such big goals right now, but they're marching ahead regardless!

School Trip by Jerry Craft 

A satisfying new installment in the New Kid series from funny, talented, charming Jerry Craft! I appreciated how this volume started to complicate some of the students who had been left a bit one-dimensional in previous books. Several people stood up to and called out a bully; new friendships were built; and Jordan Banks left Paris even more inspired than ever to follow his dreams of becoming an artist. This series has a lot of jokes, but also a lot of heart!

A Frog in Fall (and Later On) by Linnea Sterte 

Minor frog is less than a year old, and is dismayed when winter begins to steal all of the light and warmth from his world. Instead of bunking down safely with his mentor to wait for spring, he sets out on a journey with two vagabond toads passing by on a quest to make it all the way to the tropics. They tramp through the Japanese countryside, encountering tree spirits, new friends, dangers, and views the likes of which minor frog had never even imagined. This is a gorgeous book; every page worth pouring over, an economy of line and detail building a beautiful and mysterious world of talking animals and miniature packaged foods. Made me want to draw.

Dark Rise by CS Pacat read by Christian Coulson 

In 1820s London, orphaned Will tries to earn enough as a dockworker to survive- and evade the killers pursuing him. Violet dresses in her half-brother's clothes and sneaks onto a ship in the Thames to watch a man be branded with his master's mark. Katherine excitedly anticipates her engagement to one of London's richest and most mysterious lords; his gallantry nearly makes up for the fact that he's twice her age. And in the bowels of one of that lord's ships, James tortures a man for information. All of these characters are 16 or 17 years old, but all of them are tangled in an ancient conflict between the Light and the Dark which stretches back into an age of magic before history. This is CS Pacat's YA fantasy debut, and it contains a lot of tropes very familiar to both YA and high fantasy- there are shades of both Tolkien and Rowling in this. Its fast-paced and action-packed, but especially in the first third of the story, the characters all felt fairly thin. None of them have quirks, hobbies, career hopes, relationships outside of immediate family, school, or work; or much more than a brief sketch of past. It took until the mid-way point for what I consider Pacat's major strengths as a writer to emerge: intense, homoerotic interpersonal sparring between characters operating under major power imbalances. Every scene in which the seductive, manipulative, powerful evil gay faced off against the good boy chosen one crackled with energy. Unfortunately, there were only four of these scenes in the whole book. It ends on a cliff-hanger, because of course it does, with a tempting set up for book two; but that doesn't entirely excuse the fact that the first 50% felt like set up. I will definitely keep reading, but long-time Pacat fans should take note that this is toned down version of what I expected based on Captive Prince.

Feeding Ghosts by Tessa Hulls (re-read before event)

What an accomplishment! I savored every page of Feeding Ghosts, absolutely floored by the labor and courage that went into the writing of this book. The inking is gorgeous, the history is clear, digestible, and devastating. This book threads the line between honesty and compassion in a way that I appreciate so much in any memoir, but especially one dealing with family. Hulls lays out the story of three generations of women starting with her grandmother, Sun Yi, a Shanghai journalist who faced intense persecution during the rise of Communism in China, who penned a popular and scandalous memoir and then suffered a mental breakdown. This left her only daughter, Rose, a student at an elite boarding school with no parental figures and no other family to lean on. Eventually Rose earned a scholarship to an American university and in the end moved her mother into her California home. Sun Yi haunted that home during the author's own childhood. The unexamined trauma and codependency of Sun Yi and Rose drove the author to the extreme edges of the Earth, seeking freedom from their ghosts. But in the end, she stopped running from her family history and turned, instead, to face it. Shelve this book with Maus, Fun Home, Persepolis and The Best We Could Do. Re-read it for a second time and got even more out of it on a second pass.

Delicious in Dungeon vol 8 by Ryoko Kui

Laios and company realize that their encounter with changling mushroom rings had more consequences than they'd realized- its the body swap episode! This visual humor is contrasted against increasing dangers from both above and below, as nastier monsters and political machinations begin to close in on our heroic adventuring party. I'm now over halfway through this series and almost feel like I should start reading it more slowly to savor it, but I'll probably just keep devouring it instead.

Lunar New Year Love Story by Gene Luen Yang and Leuyen Pham

High school senior Val grew up knowing her family was unlucky in love; for generations, relationships in her family have ended in heartbreak. Her childhood love of Valentines Day ends with a shocking family revelation and what feels like the beginning of a curse. Then her Vietnamese grandmother sweeps her off to a Lunar New Year celebration in downtown Oakland and a pair of cute lion dancer boys catch her eye. Could one of them break the spell on her heart? This story offers a classic and satisfying rom-com, with Val torn between an outgoing, rich, but flaky boy and a broody, shy, loyal one. The story takes several kdrama style twists and includes ghosts, saints, red envelopes, confessions, fights, reunions, tears, and kisses. For a comic, its wordy; the pages are dense with small panels and thick with dialogue, but also illustrated with such warm, humor, and realism. I really liked that the story included as much of Val's relationship with her family and best friend as romance. And the lion dancing scenes practically leap off the page with color and energy!

Witch Hat Atelier vol 10 by Kamome Shirahama

This series remains as visually stunning as ever but I'm struggling with how every single book expands the cast. There are so many characters now that I don't care about that much, and have trouble remembering from volume to volume. I wish the story line would stick more closely to Coco, her classmates, and their main mentors!

Delicious in Dungeon vol 9 by Ryoko Kui

Oh the stories are all converging! The savior at the bottom of the dungeon is probably a demon! Ituzumi saves the day! I am still having a great time reading this series.

A Dowry of Blood by ST Gibson read by Abby Craden 

A short, very queer, very poly retelling of Dracula focusing on his coven of enthralled lovers. I liked the way the book breezed through history, as the dysfunctional little family moved from one major European city to the next, with snatched moments of glittering joy interwoven with violence and plague. The story is fairly simple, and has a happier ending than I expected, or honestly think the characters deserved.

City of Dragons by Robin Hobb

I DNFed the previous book in this series and just read a summary online before skipping ahead to this one. I think that was a very good choice for me. This third one was more engaging and a bit more action packed, with some cool discoveries about the city of Kelsingra and the nature of Elderlings. But the Rain Wild Chronicles as a whole do not stand up to the quality of the Farseer books. There are so many POV characters that a few of them get only two or three scenes in this whole book. I don't feel that I deeply know any of these characters; while at the same time watching Hobb pair them off at an extraordinary rate- in the last book five sets of characters got together and in this book an additional two couples are developing feelings for each other. Between this and a kidnapping, a birth, a murder, and a lot of blackmail, this series feels like a soap opera.

Delicious in Dungeon vol 10 by Ryoko Kui

Almost two TPKs in this volume, yikes!

Delicious in Dungeon vol 11 by Ryoko Kui

You know shit's getting serious when the character who has been the series main villain up until now is partially devoured by a different, worse villain. Exciting changes coming to this dungeon under it's new lord and master!

Squad by Maggie Tokuda-Hall and Lisa Sterle

When Becca gets invited to sit with the popular girl clique at her new high school, she's thrilled. But the friendship turns bloody and complicated when she learns that her new friends are actually werewolves who need to kill and feed on a human once a month. If she joins them, Becca will gain superhuman strength and a pack; she'll never have to fear a male predator again, because she will be a predator herself. I loved the queer rep and the twist on werewolf lore; I wish it had been a little longer and more developed. Give me multi-page transformations sequences!

Delicious in Dungeon vol 12 by Ryoko Kui

I love seeing all these plot lines come together! Building towards a wild climax.

Delicious in Dungeon vol 13 by Ryoko Kui

I went out and *bought* vol 13 of this series because my library didn't have it yet, that's how hooked I am. And now I have to wait until JULY for the final volume! (But also, thank goodness I didn't get into this series any sooner or I'd have a much longer wait).

[scribble-dee-vee]

Writeblr Intro circa 2024

Hi writeblr!! Sooo, I've been around here since about 2014. (Yes, I am ancient.) However, I've been dormant for the past 4-5 years. Blame college and a brief stint on Twitter. Now that I'm active again, I thought I should make an updated writeblr intro so ppl know my Deal. Basically, I want to engage with other folks who write fiction (esp original SF), and that's a little easier if I have a clear post that outlines what I do. Here to make connections and hear about your blorbos :)

About me

Hi, I'm Vee! They/them, 23, 💖 🤍 🧡

I do journalism/comms in western New York

My literary jam is feminist/adult SF and gothic lit (OG or modern) 🥀 ⚔️ 🌙

Enthusiastic about gay people, body horror, and sociopolitical allegories

I cook, run, play tabletop games, and occasionally draw. Other than that, I'm mostly writing (for work and for fun)

If you were on pre-2020 writeblr, you likely know me from my eight billion daily tag games. (I still like tag games and appreciate u for tagging me. I have also gained adult responsibilities and better mental health, so I respond very slowly now. <3)

Always happy to get asks or dms, tho as I've noted: I may reply slowly.

Sometimes open to beta read! I only read one longer project at a time, but it's always super fun :)

I tag very consistently – happy to tag triggers for followers/moots

Fun fact: I love mushroom hunting and worked as a mycology TA. #cottagecoreera 🍄 🧚‍♀️ 🌱

About my creative writing

I write,,,, feminist/adult SF with gothic leanings (surprise!)

Longform and short! Trying to do more short writing this year, and I'll likely share a bit on Tumblr. It's easier to clip a short story than a 150k novel, god bless.

The Aesthetic: moral g(r)ays, Victoriana, androids/cyborgs, Women™, monstrous femininity, incessant Hamlet/Frankenstein motifs, extremely boring socioeconomic worldbuilding, evil queens and/or dilfs, psychosexual witchcraft, probably a cat. Also, an ominous, plot-relevant letter laced with anthrax from your unhinged and brilliant ex-wife. Open if you dare.

Major projects

I'm going to be writing some short work this year, but these are the longer projects that I have going in the background. If I reblog blorbo-related text posts, they probably have something to do with these.

Let me know if you want to be added to any project-specific taglists 😎

Heart of Lead – Series

The big one

Perpetually evolving

Never ceasing

Pls send help I can't stop adding shit

5-book gothic fantasy epic that I'll definitely publish one day but probably no time soon! My bastard child, my wicked firstborn, my greatest love <3

Character-oriented political drama set in a pseudo-Victorian, dystopian oligarchy where everyone's heart is made out of metal. It's about coming of age and discovering queer identity in a world that is absolutely fucked. God is an extraterrestrial lesbian who gives ppl very traumatizing magic powers. There are cyborgs, shapeshifters, and morally gray women in STEM. It's tight as fuck idk what else what to tell u.

Book 1 is about achillean monarchists, and book 2 is about sapphic anarchists. There are only two genders, I guess.

At this point, I've drafted most of the books at least once. Working to refine a lot of raw material atm!

Tag: "heart of lead tag" or "hol tag"

Lost Letters – Book

Aka the current active HoL WIP, and book one in the revised series structure

Length: 80k as of now; around 120-140k when the first draft is finished, I presume.

Genre: adult fantasy, gothic, noir detective drama?? um?? If you want me to frame it in BookTok terms (why?) it's a dark academia villain x villain tragic romantasy. Hrgh.

Summary: Cyborg soldier goes to college, joins a shady socialite frat, and falls in love with the jilted heir-apparent to the throne. Hilarity ensues.

(By "hilarity," I mean a militant revolutionary faction and a tragedy of Greek proportions.)

POV characters: Charles (the cyborg), Dale (the heir), and Cecelia (Charles' sister, a junior detective, the love of my life and potentially the Chosen One???)

This book is twisty and dark and immensely fun to write.

I'm about halfway through the first full draft! Hoping to share snippets and vaguepost about my children here.

Tag: "lost letters tag" (also "hol tag," tho that one's less specific)

The Last of Mortal Tourists – Book

The next longform project on the docket!

Length: a standalone work that will hopefully fall on the shorter novel/novella spectrum.

Genre: literary SF, cyberqueer, psychological space quest

Summary: The consciousness of a dead coding genius, trapped inside a spaceship, seeks a new planet to sustain their sister, the last surviving human, after the destruction of Earth.

If you're here to get wildly philosophical about gender and the myth of essential self, this is the story for you! That's why I'm writing it, lol. 🏳️‍⚧️ 🚀 🤖

This one started out as a short story (100% finished) which I want to expand.

POV: Archer Alto, the coder. Spaceship? Human? Soul?

Supporting Cast: Pandora, the last human, and Abby, a holographic impression of Archer's childhood consciousness

Tag: "the last of mortal tourists tag" or "tlomt tag"

If you read all this way, you get a whole bouquet of flowers that are certainly NOT poisonous: 🌸 🌹 💐 🥀 🌺

<3

[darkdarkroom]

~ Don’t Get Me Wrong ~

Eddie Munson x Reader

Summary: Every Saturday for the past three months, Eddie Munson has been dropping in to the record store where you work. And for the same amount of time, you’ve been pretending not to notice he’s just there to see you. It’s a game you’ve both been playing, but today is the day you bring it into the endzone. It’s a classic idiots sort-of-friends to lovers thing, with Eddie at his most adorably oblivious. 

No warnings, just fluff and a very small hint at a sexy dream. 

Author’s note: this is my first fic in over four years and I’m only too happy to be back on my bullshit for Eddie Munson - shame it’s the night before part 2 comes out.  i like italics a little too much and can’t write kisses to save my life, but I hope you enjoy this nonetheless. reader is as gender neutral as i can manage through editing - angel as a nickname is the only vaguely gendered term used. In a bid to get this out before part 2 drops I did not proof read - it is 2:45 am, i am not sorry. MASTERLIST

---------

No one could say that working at a record store is the greatest job in the world, but it certainly has its moments. Getting your hands on the latest tapes first? That’s pretty cool. Playing your favourite tracks whilst you work? Another great perk. Working the Saturday shifts? Mmm, not so hot.  

At least they weren’t so hot, until one morning three months ago. After the Starcourt Mall had that freaky fire, Hawkins locals had needed to look elsewhere for their retail therapy. So, you’d been getting a lot of new customers in the weeks that followed, which was excellent for business, but less so for your peace of mind. Eventually things settled down, and you've been left with a few more regulars – including one particularly striking regular you’ve come to know very well.

The first time you’d met Eddie Munson, he spilled an entire blue raspberry slushie down his front upon tripping through the door. Naturally, he was mortified, but you?

You were enchanted.  

Maybe it was the way he spoke at a hundred miles per hour as he tried to mop himself down with a single black handkerchief, or maybe it was how every time you told him it was okay, his cheeks would colour just a little bit more. Perhaps it was something in his eyes – oh, those eyes. Eddie’s eyes still stop you in your tracks every time, something in those soft pools of molten brown drawing you in like a magnet. It’s so unfair – one look and you were entirely done for.  

Anyway, you’d felt incredibly sorry for the poor guy, insisting he take whatever band tee he desired as a gesture of goodwill - “The step is totally uneven, it’s an accident waiting to happen. Not your fault at all”.  

Eddie had picked Metallica, doing his best to hide his delight at expanding what you now know to be an extensive collection. “This place is pretty cool,” he’d remarked, ducking into the backroom to get changed. “Might come in more often”.  

And come in more often he did – every single Saturday since then. It hadn’t taken you long to start expecting his arrival, and then anticipating it. There’s a difference between the two states, you realise; expecting just means you know you’re gonna see him. Anticipating means you’re actively waiting for him.  

This is exactly what you’re up to now: actively waiting for Eddie Munson. It’s close to 5:30, about the time he always shows his face.  He’s only been late once, a few Saturdays ago – very late. You’d assumed he was out of town for some reason, but two minutes after closing time, you’d heard a frantic tapping at the window. How could you not take pity on him, standing with his gut wrenchingly sad face pressed against the glass and a fistful of dollar bills meant for the new Rolling Stones single. Letting him in had been a no brainer, though you’d gotten shit from your manager the next day.  

The following week, after giving an entertaining and animated monologue about his band's latest gig, he’d suddenly reached into his back pocket and pulled out a can of soda – your favourite soda. It was going “spare”, you see, as he’d “accidentally” bought it but didn’t like the flavour. He'd sheepishly pushed it across the counter, heading out of the store in a rush before you could thank him.  

He’s funny like that; cocky and attention-grabbing one second, and painfully self-conscious the next. The slightest compliment can reduce him to a blushing, stuttering mess, something you discovered when you told him you liked how his hair looked one morning. His eyes had widened, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his ripped jeans. “Uh, I, uh... I brushed it” he’d admitted, shuffling his weight from foot to foot. “Don’t always remember to do that”.  

He remembers now. At least, he does every Saturday, but you’re careful not to draw attention to it.  

After three months of regular conversations, the two of you have built something closely resembling friendship. Since day one, though, there’s been something else there. Something exciting, something electric.  

Something impossible to resist.

Waking up for work has never been easier – you're not even thinking about work, you’re thinking about Eddie Munson. He’s in your daydreams, and your night dreams too, for that matter. There was that one particularly good dream, where you found yourself by lover’s lake and he had his van and -

Yeah, you can dwell on that one another time. Can't have anyone catching you with that faraway look on your face and asking what you’re thinking about now, can you? It’s hard to focus, though, when you know he could appear at any minute.  

Oh.

There he is.  

Eddie approaches from the other side of the street, his standard uniform of denim vest over leather jacket making him impossible to miss. You wonder what band tee he’s got on today – last week it was Dio, and the week before it was Ozzy... and why exactly have you remembered that, hmm? It seems that no matter how cool you play it on the outside, your mind is brimming with information about the gorgeous metalhead you can’t get enough of. Yeah, it’s clear as day – you've got it bad for Eddie Munson.  

But if your judgement is correct, Eddie Munson has it just as bad for you – and today is the day you’re gonna do something about it.  

He pauses at the roadside for a moment, looking from left to right as if deciding where to go next. As if he hasn’t done the same thing every Saturday for the past three months. You suppress a smile and pretend to look busy, shuffling a stack of tapes into place as you await his inevitable arrival. It’s a silly little game the two of you are playing, but it’s one you enjoy – he pretends he’s not there just for you, and you pretend you haven’t noticed.  

You don’t have to look up to know he’s approaching. The jingle of those metal chains hitting his thigh with every step gives him away, and you risk a sideways glace as he stops to browse near the entrance. He has his back to you, thumbing through a stack of records as he stalls for time. Walking straight up to you would give the game away, so he always puts a little effort into his whole “just passing through” routine. It’s probably very convincing to the untrained eye, but you know him and the store a little too well: that’s where you keep the week’s top charting singles, and Whitney Houston has been number one for the past three weeks. He’s looked at exactly the same thing for the past two Saturdays, and unless his taste has drastically changed, there’s nothing remotely interesting to him there.  

Still, you respect his commitment to the bit, keeping up your side of things by letting it play out however he chooses. A customer approaches the desk with an armful of tapes, and Eddie takes your distraction as an opportunity to move a little further in. He’s in the rock section now, this time rifling through the stacks with purpose. You know what he’s looking for, but he’s a little too late – the new AC/DC album sold out two days ago. You watch him realise this as you hand the customer her change, and he tries to reign in his obvious disappointment.  

He waits for the customer to depart, before making a leisurely turn towards the counter. He’s now the only person in the store besides you, so it would be pointless to pretend not to notice him; you look up and smile warmly, his deep brown eyes meeting yours instantly.  

Magnetic.

No matter how many times you play this game, you can’t help the way your heart jolts and your stomach twists at that first second of eye contact. Eddie Munson does something thrilling to you, something more addictive than anything you know he sells. It clearly has an impact on him also: he swallows hard, barely maintaining his attempt at a cool façade as he approaches you.

“'Afternoon, angel” he begins, placing his palms flat on the countertop as he smiles winningly at you.

Angel.

Now it’s you who’s trying the hardest to keep cool. He uses nicknames so breezily, but the effect they have on you is almost embarrassing – like he steals a little bit of your breath with every angel, sweetheart, or darling he tosses your way. One word from Eddie could reduce you to a daydreamy disaster on an off day, but today you’re not gonna let him win that easily – this is a game after all, and it’s time for your next move.  

“Hey, Eddie! How’s it going?” you reply brightly, noting the flicker of delight in his eyes at the mention of his name. The first time you used it had him visibly flustered, seemingly surprised that you even knew who he was. God, how could you not? He was by far the most interesting person in this otherwise dreary town, but that fact seemed to be lost on him entirely. He’d written himself off a long time ago, but every time you use his name you remind him that you see him. It didn’t take you long to notice the effect it has on him, that little thrill never seeming to wear off.  

Excellent.

“Ah, y’know, not too bad” he grins, before glancing over his shoulder to the rock section. It gives him a second to compose himself, a little more relaxed when he turns back to face you. “You don’t happen to have any more Who Made Who’s around here, do you?”

You pretend to think about this for a second, as he watches you hopefully. “The AC/DC record? Oh, I’m so sorry, it sold out like two days ago”

Eddie’s face drops, and he steps back from the counter slightly in his disappointment. It's like kicking a puppy, but you’ve gotta get him down a little further before you bring him back up again. “Yeah, it was gone waaaay quicker than we thought. Can’t even order in a new batch just yet, it’s impossible to get hold of a copy if you haven’t got one already”.  

He seems genuinely put out, nodding in resigned acceptance as one ring-clad hand comes up to rub at his cheek. Music is the very blood that runs through his veins, so it makes sense that he’d be so deflated. You can’t bring yourself to drag this out any longer, so you move into the endzone with a tone of airy nonchalance. “Unless, of course, you happen to be friendly with the salesperson, who’s nice enough to keep a copy behind the till for you just in case you don’t come by in time”.  

His head snaps up, eyes wide with renewed hope. “No way, you haven’t... have you?”

Without breaking his gaze, you reach behind the till and slowly reveal the cassette box you've kept hidden since the day the shipment arrived. Sure, your colleagues had teased you mercilessly about it ever since, but the sheer relief and delight on his lovely lovely face could make any amount of ridicule worth it.  

Eddie pushes himself back from the counter, arms thrown above his head as he stares at you in wonder. His mouth gapes open, lips forming shapes that don’t quite make it into words; you’ve rendered him speechless, something which you – and anyone else who knows him, for that matter – would think to be impossible. Fighting to keep a victorious grin off your face, you tap at a few buttons on the cash register. “So should I ring this up, or...?”

“Yes, god yes” he manages finally, the words coming out in a breathless flurry of excitement. He approaches the counter once again, dipping a hand in his pocket to withdraw a beaten up leather wallet. “You... you’re something else” he adds, seemingly without thinking; the second the words leave his lips he falters, cheeks colouring and gaze dropping as he counts out a few bills. Before he can place them on the counter, though, you reach out your hand until it’s a fraction of an inch away from his.  

“Seven dollars then, please” you tell him, palm open. Physical contact: it’s an unexplored frontier in your little game, and you’ve cornered him into making the icebreaking move. You’re on fire today, not least because of the heat you feel as his fingertips brush against yours for the very first time.  

Hello.

It’s a gentle, innocent touch, but you can tell by the way his lips press together that it means as much to Eddie as it does to you. He lets his hand linger much longer than he probably should, those beautiful eyes flicking up to meet yours as he studies your response.  

One heartbeat, then two, then three pass as you draw the moment out. Loud, insistent heartbeats that he’s probably close enough to hear, maybe even feel -  

That’s enough now.  

You grasp the bills and draw your hand away, turning to the cash register and away from his burning gaze. Try to calm down a little. You’re almost at the home stretch. Out of the corner of your eye you can see him compose himself, flexing the hand that touched yours as the other tugs self consciously at a lock of his hair. You count the bills into the cash drawer, exactly the right amount. No need for change, thank god; the last thing you need right now is more physical contact to addle your brain, if you want to bring this game to a perfect finish.  

You slide his purchase across the counter, setting an easy smile on your face. “All yours”.  

All his.

The tape, and you.  

Have been since the first day you locked eyes across this damn record store.  

“Thank you, so much. You’re a wonder” he says, sliding the tape into his pocket. “Honestly, I owe you one”.

Here we go.

“Oh yeah, you definitely do” you reply, leaning casually against the wall behind you.

Come on, Eddie, take the bait.

He takes a few steps back, and then one forwards, brow furrowed as if contemplating something.  

You know you want to.

Eddie nods almost imperceptibly, decision made. “How about... how about dinner? I mean, how about I take you to dinner. Dinner with me. Obviously!” he rambles, eyes darting from side to side as he tries to regather his words into something far smoother than he’s currently managing. “That is if you’ve not got plans, or like... you know, if you even want to...”

As much as you’re enjoying him adorably losing his cool over finally asking you out, it’s time to land this thing.

“I’d love that!”

Eddie freezes, tongue poking out from between his blush-pink lips. “Really?”

“Yeah, dinner would be great”. And then, just to drive the point home: “Dinner with you. Obviously”.  

He lets out a deep breath, unable to stop a beauteous smile from lighting up his entire face. ‘Okay, cool. Excellent” he says, a hint of relief mixed in with the joy he’s clearly feeling.  

“We could do tonight, if you’re not busy? I finish here in like twenty minutes”.

Scheduled it two weeks ago, just in case.

How you’re still managing to keep it this cool on the outside is beyond you, your mind racing as you consider just how perfectly things have fallen into place. Dinner with Eddie. A dinner date? Shit’s getting real now.  

“Not busy at all”.  

He thinks for a moment, and you can almost see the moment an idea clicks into place. “Weather’s nice, don’t think it’s gonna rain tonight. You fancy heading up to the lake for a picnic?”

He watches you carefully, still slightly unsure of himself. So oblivious – there’s no chance in hell you could ever say no to that offer.

Hang on, the lake?  

Don’t think about your dream, do NOT think about your dream.

“That would be perfect!” you smile warmly, doing your best to offset his nervous energy.  

It seems to have worked; he settles into a laid-back stance, head cocked to one side and arms folded across his chest. “Yeah, cool. My van’s parked round the corner, I’ll be the guy with the sweet tatts in the driver’s seat” he quips, taking a few steps backwards. “I’ll grab some food and see you in twenty, angel”.  

Eddie turns and strides out of the store, shoulders back and head held high. Ahh, he probably thinks this is all his idea. That’s cute. He’s cute, the boost of confidence looking good on him. God, if you’re this caught up in him already, how are you gonna make it through dinner?  

The next twenty minutes pass all too quickly and yet maddeningly slow at the same time. You have a change of clothes in your bag, and make sure to give your hair a quick seeing to before you head out.  

A date with Eddie Munson.

A date, with Eddie Munson.  

Not that he’d called it a date, of course. Maybe you’re getting ahead of yourself here, maybe you’ve got the vibes wrong, maybe -

No, come on. You can read that man like a fucking phonebook, and every number in there is yours. This back and forth can only go on for so long – you're both ready for something more now.

--------------------------

You see him the second you round the corner, leaning up against the van with his shoulders hunched. His left hand plays with the rings on his right, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. It takes a few moments for him to realise you’re there, but when he does his demeanour changes entirely. He stands up straighter, puffing his chest out as he gestures to the van. “Your carriage awaits” he says, opening the passenger side door with a flourish.  Showmanship – that’s something he’s always excelled at.  

That same gentlemanly spirit emerges once you arrive at the lake, with Eddie rushing out to open your door before you even have a chance to unclip your seatbelt. He reaches out to take your hand, steadying you as you hop down into the meadow. Like earlier, you let your hands linger just a little longer than necessary.  

The catch in his breath is audible, and sends a pleasant shiver up your spine.  

He has to let your hand drop as he closes the passenger side door, lips pressed together as he regains his composure.  

So, here you are.

Lover’s Lake.

It’s a still night, with the soft spring breeze pushing ripples across the dark water. Quiet, too; you look around for signs of other late-night picnickers, but it seems you’re the only pair around. Eddie stands and observes the scenery for a moment. From the corner of your eye can see his attention turning back to you, his hands diving back into his pockets as he takes it all in.

You know exactly what he’s feeling – this is unfamiliar but exciting territory. Being alone together in the van was something, but now you’ve got this beautiful view and the promise of an entire evening for just the two of you. A picnic was a bold idea. A romantic idea. He has to know what he’s gotten himself into, and you’re certainly not complaining. This is definitely a date, and Eddie’s definitely keen to get things going.  

He rifles through the back of the van, letting out a victorious “Ah ha!” when he emerges brandishing a rolled-up tartan blanket. “Knew this would come in handy someday”. A paper grocery bag is next, which he tucks under one arm, before turning to flash you a winning smile. “Wanna pick a spot?”

You nod your head to the left, where the bank starts to slope towards the water. “View looks good from there”.

“Over there it is!” he declares, before marching over to get set up. He’s diligent and thoughtful, smoothing out the creases in the blanket before laying out the food with great care. Once he’s satisfied with how it looks, he turns to you for approval.

He needs that, you realise. His stance is confident, but his eyes betray a hint of uncertainty. “I’ve never actually had a picnic before” he admits, messing a hand through his hair. “There’s some bread and stuff for sandwiches, and I grabbed some strawberries for something sweet... sorry, I should’ve checked what you like”.

Mentally he’s kicking himself right now, and you’re only too quick to ease his concerns. “Eddie, this looks perfect, thank you!”

The compliment hits the spot. Eddie relaxes instantly, allowing himself a satisfied smile as he surveys his work. “You’re very welcome, angel. Hungry?”

“Starving!”

-----------------

Any worries you may have had earlier are washed away before you’ve even moved onto dessert. Conversation with Eddie flows so easily, the two of you laughing and talking like this is the most natural thing in the world. Without the barrier of a counter between the two of you, you find yourself moving closer to him without even realising it.  

He talks at great length about his band, throwing his head back as he mimes a guitar solo that’s totally gonna bring the Hideout roof down on Friday night. “You should come!” he exclaims, swaying a little as he speaks. “It’s not the biggest of crowds, but we always make sure it’s a rad night”.  

“I’d love to!”

He seems genuinely surprised by your enthusiasm, leaning back on his hands as he studies you. “Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“No, I mean it. I’ve heard so much about your music, I’d love to see you perform” you assure him, tucking your legs up under you. “Why are you so surprised?”

Eddie hesitates, one hand tugging up a clump of grass as he ponders over the answer.  

“You’re just... you’re just like, the coolest person in Hawkins” he says, looking away from you to stare out at the lake. “It’s kinda unexpected that you’d wanna spend time with me”.  

Honestly.

How oblivious can one guy be?

“Eddie... I need you to really think about this right now. Why are we here tonight?”

He turns back to face you with a frown, unsure of where you’re going with the question. “Because I asked you?”

“Yes, and why did you ask me?

“Because I owe you one”

You’re getting closer to the point now, more insistent even as he remains utterly clueless. “And why do you owe me one?”

“Because you kept back a tape that...”  

Eddie falters, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Because you kept back a tape for me. One you knew I’d like”. His voice is quiet, eyes narrowed at the ground as he considers the sequence of events.  

“And why would I do that?”

The pause that follows your question is drawn out, but you don’t rush him. His eyes widen, as if seeing the situation clearly for the first time. The hesitation you see in them is replaced by something stronger, something brighter:

Hope.

“Because... because you like me?”

He phrases it as a question, but the emphasis on the like tells you he understands perfectly.

“Because I Like you” you confirm.  

He lets out a gentle breath, cheeks colouring as he lets his knees drop. The smile that pulls at the corner of his mouth is irrepressible, but his shyness won’t let him meet your eyes just yet. His voice comes out as little more than a whisper - “I like you too”.

Just saying the words out loud embolden him, and he finally manages to bring his gaze up to yours.  

How do his eyes still get you so soft, every time? Little creases decorate their outer corners as he smiles, shuffling closer to you on the blanket.  

“I really like you” he continues, “Like... seeing you in the shop is the highlight of my week. Yeah, the music’s cool, but I only really care that you’re there”.

“So it’s not the Whitney Houston records you keep coming back for?” you tease, and he nudges you with his shoulder in response – he’s that close to you now, your knees touching as you let yourself lean into him.  

“Oh, Whitney’s a babe, but you... you’re really something special”.  

He means it, not looking away like he did when the words slipped out earlier. Eddie owns the compliment, swallowing hard as he reaches out to rest a hand on your waist. “Knew from the first moment I saw you, angel. Just didn’t think I had a hope in hell of getting you”.

You can’t suppress the smile his words provoke, moving in closer as he pulls you into him. “Eddie, you had me from day one”.  

“Day one?! Why did we wait three whole months then?” he asks, mock incredulously. His voice is still soft, though, and his face is barely two inches away from yours. When you don’t answer, his other hand comes up to brush across your cheek. The touch is featherlight, the callouses on his fingertips a reminder of exactly who it is you’re so close to right now.  

A moment passes, as the two of you let the tension build as high as you can take it. It’s Eddie who relents, his heavy-lidded gaze soft and filled with desire. “No more waiting” he breathes, before he gives into the moment and closes the gap between you.  

Eddie Munson is kissing you.

His lips move fervently against your own, warm and soft but more and more urgent as the kiss deepens. Your hands are in his hair, and the hand on your waist pulls you into him, your bodies pressing close together. Breathing becomes irrelevant; to kiss and only to kiss is the all-consuming thought.  

You’ve both been waiting for this moment, and are making the most of every single second. It doesn’t matter that you’re in the middle of the meadow in full view of anyone who may pass by. This kiss is intimate, euphoric, everything you’re thinking conveyed better in actions than in words.  

You don’t know how long you’ve been kissing for, and you don’t care. When your lips finally part, Eddie holds you close to him, unwilling to let you go just yet.  

“Wow” he whispers, his breath ghosting across your lips.

“Wow” you agree, as you smile up at him. He looks perfect, softly lit by the moon as he holds you against his chest. Neither of you speak for a moment, basking in the glow as your breathing slowly returns to normal.  

Who needs that dream when this is what reality gives you? Granted, it didn’t end here, but -

“What are you thinking?” he asks suddenly, his voice snapping you back to the present.  

“Oh! Nothing”  

It comes out a little higher pitched than you’d aimed for, and Eddie notices. He leans back a little to get a good look at your face, curious eyes searching for clues. “Everything okay?” he says, the hand on your back moving to stroke up your arm. “My jacket is all yours if you’re feeling cold”.  

He’s too sweet for his own good, honestly, the concern on his face plucking at your heartstrings. Those puppy dog eyes are hard to resist for too long, and you let out a deep sigh before attempting to explain.  

“I’m fine, it’s just... I had this dream...”  

You let your words trail off, unsure of how to continue. Eddie’s eyes light up as he leans in closer, head cocked to one side. “A dream, you say?”

“Mmhmm”.

“And was I in this dream?” he asks, his tone playful as he leans ever closer. Embarrassed, you move to bury your face in his chest, but his hand comes up to gently but firmly cup your chin. He holds you there, eyes searching yours with a molten intensity. “Was I, angel?”  

“Yes, Eddie, you were” you say, enjoying the glint of delight that appears in his eyes. He makes a satisfied noise in the back of his throat, thumb stroking your skin as he revels in your closeness.  

“You gonna tell me about this dream?”

It's tempting, it really is. Eddie could get anything out of you if he really wanted, but you know he’d never push it. This is information for another day, so you smile softly and let your hand come to rest on his shoulder. “Eventually”

“Eventually?” he echoes, amusement playing across his lips. “I can live with eventually”.  

He presses a gentle kiss to your forehead, a gesture so sweet and full of adoration that you can almost feel your heart skip a beat.

Dreams can wait; how you are right now, with Eddie Munson? This is so much better.  

[jennilah]

I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

[squealing-santa]

Welcome, one and all, to the 7th Annual Tickle Fandom Bloggers Squealing Santa Extravaganza!

This year's humble host for 2022 is @hypahticklish - I am so excited to carry the torch, as well as compile the archive of seasons past. I'm also beyond excited to invite our artist friends to partake in this year's festivities!! This is my first year organizing the event and I cannot wait to see all the magic our corner of tumblr is able to create.

But enough of my shmoozing - let's get on to the main event! Here are the rules that most of you know so very well (with some tweaks for our new additions):

In order to get a peice of tickle fiction or art, you must be willing to create a new peice of tickle fiction or art for someone else.

Fics should be at least 250 words (if that sounds like a lot, don’t worry, it’s only about a page double-spaced). There is no limit if you'd like to write more!

Art should have clean, finished line art (if traditional, drawn on unlined paper and well-lit upload). There is no limit if you'd like to color or stylize more!

Works should be based on prompts given by the person you are creating for.

When you sign up, include 1-5 loose prompts - can be as simple as a fandom, a pairing, a character, a scenario, or a combination of those things (Examples of loose prompts can be found here).

Once sign-ups end, we’ll send out assignments and you’ll have until December 31st to finish your piece and send it to the person you’re creating for. In turn, your writer or artist will post a piece for you also by the end of December! No one will know who is working on whose prompts until the works are published, because surprises are fun!

Use this link right here to complete your registration to this year's exchange!

Please note that the registration is conducted via Google Forms. While we have turned all email requirements off, there's still a chance it will autofill that information if you're logged in. We'd definitely recommend filling out the survey using incognito mode just in case for that reason. Should any emails be submitted accidentally, they will not be utilized or released.

IF YOU ARE ANON: you still must include a tumblr url that we can contact you at. We promise we won’t give it out to anyone; we just will need a way to contact you over the course of the exchange!

We will send you a confirmation DM once your registration has been submitted, so if you don’t receive that, contact us! We want to make sure no one gets left out due to the survey eating submissions or something similarly dumb.

You will have until midnight PST on Saturday, November 5th to sign up! After that, sign-ups will be closed! We feel that’s enough time for us to divy up the assigments and then for you to create your piece!

Remember to have your ask box or messages open, because we’ll need to communicate with you at some point to let you know who you are writing or drawing for! Assignments will go out approximately ten days after registration closes.

We hope you can join the event this year and have a blast! Until then, we’ll be waiting for you all to sign up!

[wordsandrobots]

Hehehe, I'm just really curious! Because in all of my fandom existence, I've never ever met somebody as prolific and consistent as you are. A lot of the things you'd like to see are already on my list. EDIT because it posted too soon!!! Anyway, I figure this is a good opportunity to ask for some refs about things I've been having issues figuring out. That is: Shino and Yamagi's pilot suit designs, some more specs on Ryuseigo the 5th, like which parts am I supposed to reference, cause I'll be damned if I don't draw that thing. I'm guessing Shino's Goibniu team rides in standard issues Gjallarhorn pilot suits. Also Sri's skin tone comes to mind. There are other things, I guess I'll just pester you for refs as things come up o/

@lilenui Pulling out my reply so you don't have to scroll past the whole ask-answer-reblog chain to get all this! (I am extremely flattered to hear that you think I'm prolific. That'll probably happen when a story idea consumes my brain's every waking moment for a couple of years!)

OK. Shino and Yamagi get the same type of pilot-suit that Tekkadan used (or very similar), but with the orange swapped for blue and the grey replaced by dark navy, in line with the standard Teiwaz mobile suit colours. Like before, the inner skin/wetsuit thingy worn outside of the full spacesuit matches the under-colour, so dark navy (never could figure if that was actually meant to be the under-layer of those suits).

The Goibniu test pilots wear standard Gjallarhorn pilot-gear in flat black with red trim when active in the field, yeah, but during testing they wore simpler flight-suits, more akin to modern day fighter pilots' jumpsuits, normally in grey, though obviously Shino's was magenta. I pictured those as being intended for lighter duties, meant to be much less of a faff to deal with when you're coming in and out of a cockpit and maybe just spending ages on stand-by. (Plus it visually distinguishes them from standard Gjallarhorn troops, and the discarding of that represents the reality of what they are ensuing.)

I've said before that Sri is explicitly of Indonesian descent, by which I meant Javanese specifically, and she has 'pale' skin. That most likely means she's going to be more golden-toned than Eugene or Shino are depicted, she's just less weather-beaten than they are by dint of her history (something of a parallel to Yamagi, there).

(Eugene was being uncharacteristically un-clinical in that moment of description because he was having a hubba-hubba moment. He did continue to labour under the impression she was Doc Chaifin's biological daughter after that, though, and I describe the doctor as having 'weathered golden skin', so...)

As for the Ryusei-Go the Fifth. Well. Here's a quick sketch of my current thoughts on the matter, pending me getting a move on with my Gundam frame/Flauros and derivatives blender model.

The torso is very similar to Flauros but with an extended cockpit module for obvious reasons. The bracer pads on the arms are replaced with storage modules; basically fancy weapons racks. The backpack is some freakish combination of the guns and the Unicorn Gundam's fancy pop-open backpack. Actually, the new Buster Gundam has given me Ideas in that direction.

The waist is somewhere between Barbatos and Barbatos Lupus, while the legs take inspiration from a Hugo, only the reverse knees are optional and the lower legs work ala Kimaris. I will, eventually, be able to produce an actual CGI model of all this, but I'm currently still struggling with the Graze!

(For completeness, the Flauri start out in unadorned greys, probably with a bit of hazard yellow thrown in, and are then repainted in Graze Ein black and red trim (think, everything yellow on Ryusei-Go 4 is red on the Flauri; I think the white bits are switched for grey. Ryusei-Go 5 meanwhile is magenta with purple highlights [that's indicative of Yamagi's influence since the theming is Yamagi = water = blues, Shino = fire = redder colours] and black trim. There is probably some gold and white in there too but I haven't figured that out yet.)

I shall now proceed to vibrate in anticipation of what you're cooking up (I mean, just in general, your art is always utterly lovely!). Please pester me for whatever references you like, or about any IBO stuff in general. :)

[wifiwuxians]

20 questions writer meme.

tagged by @heyholmesletsgo THANK YOUUU

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

not counting things i'd rather remained anonymous, 21!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

513,621 lol

3. What fandoms do you write for?

mdzs, vaguely tgcf, hotline miami (though mostly past tense) and we'll see about the future

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Wei Wuxian's Super Special Super Secret Book Club still reigns supreme with 1229 kudos, and will most likely be my legacy despite it being the second fic i ever wrote for the fandom (i think?)

If You're Reading This, It's Too Late with 513, one would think i'd still be messing around with this AU but i'm happy to leave it where it is and just keep messing around with the crackship

Dawn Chorus, my most precious baby, at 251 by some miracle despite being oc/canon. you guys spoiled me with the love for this one tbh. none of my other xue yang centric works got anywhere near this close and i'm at peace with that because he's bonking my oc in this one and they have a kid.

The Book Club Extras at 232, which is hilarious when compared to the original but at least new readers will see there's more and maybe in the year 2055 i will publish them for fun

Frozen Pond with 156 at the end of the list, written for my friend @petitjams and taking place in a silly AU we made together (wen chao stays winning on here which is very funny)

i'm attributing the popularity of the first two to mostly being centered around super popular characters, because my later stuff is naturally better yet struggling haha

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

always unless they're like just emoji, because i like conversation! though i may also reply with a little heart hehe

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i wouldn't call it angstiest ending, it's bittersweet, but the threads that bind us is my top pick. and it also needs more readers so go read it. your hands and mine has a bit of an 'angsty' ending but only for song lan. xue yang had it coming :p 💖

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

excluding the two above, so far they all have a happy ending, or at least neutral??? i'd say Book Club, though, because that's the massive 'everybody lives!!' silly fixit fic

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope. i hope i didn't just jinx it. i get hate on art and through anon though! woo! (not anymore on here tho thank god)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do and i feel like it sucks so i almost always end up fading to black LMAO my actual explicit stuff remains private... it's like too embarrassing for me. i got judged for it as an 18 year old and 10 years later haven't gotten over it. i like bondage and bdsm though and that seems to crop up in private 😏

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i do on occasion! i love roleplaying them, but the only one i have out there is The Way To His Heart Is Through His Stomach (Oh God Please Don't Eat Me), which mixes mdzs and tgcf characters in a unique setting :3

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge, but i've had art stolen plenty so i wouldn't even be surprised

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, a few have been translated into russian!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

NOT YET BUT IT'S IN THE CARDS

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

all time? jeez. somebody tell me why i always freeze up and go blank when asked these simple questions? it's like i forget who the fuck i am. i feel like i should also say songxiao? but they're relatively new so it doesn't seem correct. fuck it. my all time favorite ship is [DATA MISSING OR CORRUPTED-- PLEASE PROCEED TO NEXT QUESTION]

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

haha... (looks at my abandoned hlm fic with the seventh chapter halfway written) haha...

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'd definitely say dialog. it makes sense, since the stuff i'm most used to doing is drawing silly comics. i also like to ping-pong emotions around and feel like i'm pretty good at that too

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

using the same words over and over and feeling like i never write Enough, like everything is always light and never in depth. i don't like making scenes too heavy with padding but i also feel like i need to find a balance

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'll do it only if it's a language i speak!!! this doesn't apply to peppering words like gege and stuff just for funsies. i think the best way to go about it is to just tell the audience what language they're speaking in that moment

19. First fandom you wrote for?

we're gonna have to go back to when i was 10 years old here lol... i think it was tokyo mew mew in terms of stuff i put online (oh god)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

it's hard to pick favorites, but i once again must say the threads that bind us in terms of work i'm most proud of.

i tag whoever sees it, plus @sugarapplebaby because ily

[prototypelq]

video game ask let's gooooo

5. Game(s) coming out that you’re looking forward to

12. A character you particularly like in the game you’re currently playing (or any other game really)

13. Quick, name the first song from a game that comes to mind

20. A boss you think is really cool

22. A game ending that’s really stuck with you

26. Realism or stylized?

Thank you for the gaming ask my beloved mutual! )))

5. That's a really tough one. While I do follow gaming news, I am not so attentive to actual game releases. Mostly because I have never really played on a 'current' platform. I have been using consoles for gaming most of my life, I played on x360 up to 2017, then I got a ps4, which was/is my most go-to platform till this year. This year was a change for me, because I finally surrendered to pirating at the beginning of the year, and played through a number of awesome low-spec indies that way. Though, I have been very lucky to get a new pc recently, and oh boy is this a big change for me. It's still crazy to think this machine can run something more than pixelart now xD (no disrespect to low-spec games in this house allowed, the more accessible the game the better, weak hardware optimisation my beloved)

I have also found a way to get past the payment blocks and have bought all those games I pirated, that was a big weight off my shoulders) So, uh, yeah. I don't follow releases. I would have said Alan Wake 2 is you asked earlier this year tho, CONTROL had me transform into a Sam Lake devoted follower xD I'll gladly watch a letsplay of it sometime soon, before I catch any spoilers. All the other game series I'm interested in are either on hiatus (Darksiders when), or the latest entry made me lose interest (Horizon 2. I love the world, so I'll follow the series anyway, but the story of the sequel is a mess I didn't like at all, and it doubled down on this new direction too). That was a long and roundabout way of saying I don't really look up to any new games currently, lol.

12. Currently - Lohse from the DOS2. This game has an extensive player character creator, however, you could play as basically one of the companions of the game, with full custom story and questline. And Lohse is a Very special case, as my dear bard woman is currently posessed)

The game has some amazing moments, where it will throw you a persuasion check to 'prevent you from throttling a character because the demon inside you didn't like them' for example. Funnily enough, in this moment in particular, if you succeed on the first check (which is hard to do early-game), if will throw you Another one with other stats to use. And Another. There's three persuasion checks in succession here, which is normally literally impossible to do, unless you mod the game to hell and leave the balance there as I did, and STILL this is the only option the dialogue will leave for you. Lohse becomes uncontrollable after this, and your other party members have to subdue her.

It's incredible, amazing time, 10/10. Other origin characters are great too, but I think this fourth-wall-meddling makes Lohse simply the best origin character to play as.

I also greatly enjoyed playing as Delsin Rowe in Infamous Second Son, I love that game, it's super fun and has great style, plus Delsin is adorable. He's a bit punk, he is witty, he is a geek, an artist and his grafitti-drawing mechanic is adorable.

Also Death from Darksiders 2. His parkour is superb, his abilities are super cool, he has an amazing horse, and he is Literally Death Rider Of The Apocalypse.

13. First song that comes to mind would be Bound Together, since I mentioned it a lot the last few asks...excluding that one, Subhuman + BTL, and Black Dog for the fun of it, All Is Soft Inside which was featured for a virtual concert of AURORA in Sky: Children of the Light (adorable game, which will hopefully come out sometime on pc, mutuals I would hold your hands in that game so. much.)

20. A really cool boss. Sorry King Cerberus and Vergil, you are cool by definition. The first that comes to mind is the Guardian fight from the Darksiders 2, which is honestly the most badass fight in the series. THAT MUSIC HITS SO HARD. And that finish animation, oh my, pure epic.

22. A game ending that’s really stuck with you. ooops already did a too-long and roudabout post about that one xD

26. Realism or stylized? Stylized anytime. Realism is honestly kind of boring, though I admit sometimes seeing your fave very detailed is cool. For example, dmc5 Dante design is my favourite out of them all, because it is finally (kind-of) down-to-earth. The game is about fighting demons and being cool about it, but the story is of human struggle and issues, and the character design finally reflects that. And I do enjoy the Impressive hair physics in Horizon games, but that's it for realism. Stylized is literally better in every possible way: it makes the design more flexible - it can be expressive or constrained, depending on your direction; it is cheaper to produce and easier to optimize and easier to run. Plus 'realism' is a forever-outdated style. Games that were considered 'realistic' in 90s, 00s and 10s don't look so realistic to us now. Even Delsin Rowe I mentioned above - he looks great, the motion capture and animation for the game looks awesome, but his face is kind of baby-smooth and the pupils of every character in the game are just a bit too-wide, it makes them all look like they all collectively had some hallucinogens xD. Meanwhile, stylised games can never go out of style, as they are the ones dictating it. Beyond Good and Evil still looks good, Fables look good, Psychonauts does too, etc. These games always exist in the state they were meant to be viewed in, while realistic games are always reaching for the not-really-but-sort-of unattainable standards, which change with time and available technology.

Stylized is Always. Better. In. Every. Way. Also make games optimized again and lower the hardware reqs. I swear, it's like every new title requires you to buy an entire basement full of rocket-science multi-computers, each with a videocard which name will make the math-lovers cry.

[befemininenow]

The lucky 7 with over 1000+

About a year ago, I made my very first caption and since that first post, my blog has grown to over 400+ unique captions and more than thousands of likes and reblogs. With the low amounts of traffic that Tumblr has compared to other competing sites, I've never would have thought I would reach that level without your support. Yet, here I am, giving you guys and girls an occasional post.

Some of my older posts have been gaining traction for the past few weeks. Whether it's a reblog from me or from another fellow blog, it's a great feeling when I see a "forgotten" caption gain a renew of interest. But it feels even more unbelievable when a caption reaches a level you never thought was possible.

That being said, here are a few captions that have amassed over 1000+ likes and reblogs that I would like to share with you. Enjoy the post!

Number 7: Inspiring trans girls since forever

With over 1023+ likes and reblogs, this is a collection of pictures from transgender women who have been an influence for us. Some are well-known influencers and celebrities like Remi Richards and Kim Petras, others are occasional internet posters like Mikaela Ville and Michelle Alter, and some want to live normal like Ella Page. This collection is undeniably my favorite because they display actual trans women, hormones or not, and have been a few of my inspirations from growing up to right now.

Number 6: Remembering your first

My very first caption is from a well known drawing of a girl embracing her feminine side. It's a feel of ecstatic energy when you see your true self so happy looking back at you for the first time. With around 1,123+ likes and reblogs, it really resonates with a lot of people who love their femininity.

Number 5: Coming out the first time

With around 1,190+ likes and reblogs, this caption speaks volumes of how we react to our coming out. Due to current social stigma, many cisgender people often lump trans women as sissies, crossdressers, traps, and other unflattering names and slurs. The only thing we can do is to keep our heads up and walk out with grace. It's best to ignore with bigots like those, but it's also wise to keep an eye out.

Number 4: Desires

At around 1250+ likes and reblogs, this post surprised me the most! Although it was popular when I first uploaded it, it really didn't spike until recent reblogs were made! It seems that a lot of you also have a bit of gender envy, haha! But can I blame you? She's such a babe, it would be so much better being her than dating her, especially the nice rewards she will get on a nights' out. ;)

Number 3: Your fate is in those pills

*Note: This caption has since been flagged by Tumblr as "Mature". If you would like to see this caption, please set your filters to view this caption.

Bronze prize is the HRT post. At 1,279+ posts and reblogs, it's the third most popular post in my blog. This one was one of my first posts as you can tell by the font and the color scheme of the main caption. I'll be honest: I'm not really fond of it as I used to since it seems a little "sexualizing". To be fair, it was inspired by a caption I saw in an old "feminization hypnosis" video that is now gone. Still, that doesn't mean I fully regret making this caption as it gave me more motivation to improve my caption skills. I also remade this caption into a bunch of segments. If you like to check the remake, click on the link below:

Number 2: Simplicity is sexy

At exactly 1,350+ likes and reblogs, this caption takes the silver prize! It's incredible because this is one of several captions that resonated with a lot of you! I'm lowkey, happy that we have something in common.

I can't deny it is a sexy way of embracing femininity. All one needs is a pair of black leggings and a white tank top to appeal even the most normal of guys. Meanwhile, the women would definitely feel a sense of jealousy based on how a simple outfit compliments those curves of yours. Bonus if you have long black hair, but any haircut and hair color would do. Give this outfit a try and I'll guarantee you will feel so euphoric. I know from experience ;)

But as sexy as this caption is, this one was only a few numbers away from the crown, or tiara if you like being a princess. Before I unveil the ultimate winner, I want to share an honorable mention that may ring a bell for you:

Honorable mention: Once a boy, always a girl.

This one is less popular than the previous entries as it only has around 708+ likes and reblogs. So why is it ahead of the other one? Because the caption was reposted by a fellow blog with better exposure. In fact, I actually reblogged that post as a way of saying thanks. With the way blogs come and go, I don't really mind if my work gets reposted on several blogs. It's just a way of preserving a legacy if a blog disappears one day. Oh, and combining that repost with my upload, this caption has over 2,222 likes and reblogs!

Number 1: Coming out divine

If 3rd place questioned your decision, and 2nd place answered that affirmation, then 1st place is definitely well into your change. With over 1,367+ likes and reblogs, it is by far my most popular creation! This one was very difficult to make as it required a lot of editing from the original video, as well as making the GIF without a lot of slowdown. The end result came out better than I thought. A major plus what that it was a Vine video, which lasted less than 7 seconds. However, I am not planning on remaking this GIF for three reasons: I lost the original and edited files, it was a PITA to make, and I would rather not mess with finished perfection. If anything, I would just make the GIF bigger than it is.

You can take a guess why it's so popular. From her hot body, her sexy outfit, nice curves, and the way she sways and moves, she is goals! I definitely had gender envy and gender crush at the same time! Did I want to be her or to date her? To quote a period-correct meme, why not both? Btw, the woman in the GIF is... well, all I can say is she is one of Justin Bieber's exes and subsequently had minor hit song back a few years ago.

Here's to a complete year full of captions and shares! Thank you so much to all of you!

[ravenatural]

15 Questions tag game

The rules are: Answer the 15 questions and tag 15 of your mutuals.

Tagged by @echoghost1 , ty Echo!! :D

1. Are you named after anyone? 

Ohh okay so this one is kinda fun because I technically am on four counts! My legal first and middle names both came from two different people ( one a famous author, the other my great great great ( great? I think it’s 4 ) aunt. The other two counts come from chosen names! while I’m not positive how much raven counts ( chosen at 13 because of raven teen titans haha ), Alva is another name I chose for myself that came from an ancestor on my moms side

2. When was the last time you cried? 

Last week? I think? Shit’s been kinda stressful all of a sudden

3. Do you have kids?

I babysat a couple of kids for a few months when I was like 18-ish and worked a job that had a daycare room, and I absolutely adored them to the point my mom started referring to them as my kids, but I am neither a legal guardian nor still in contact since the place went out of business so I’m gonna have to answer no to that one

4. What sports do you play/have played? 

Ohh man okay i don’t think I’ve done any sports since I was like. 10 years old, max. I briefly did soccer, and then basic ballet and tap lessons; I had a couple group recitals, but never advanced past flats, and honestly did not retain even muscle memory on anything

5. Do you use sarcasm?

I can’t because I’m the kind of awkward that struggles with tone inflection and quick wit so when I try people always think I’m serious 😔 

6. What's the first thing you notice about people? 

Something that can be complimented, generally.

Like, one of the things I do as someone with a customer facing job, is actively look for things to complement people on, for a multitude of reasons. It’s def not some kind of a requirement for my position, but more just that I like to break up the basic check-out process a little by finding something that I can genuinely appreciate ( which, the more I’ve done this the wider an appreciation of people’s personal style preferences I’ve had in general ) and communicating to them I like it, which never fails to brighten up an interaction.

It’s honestly really great too, because people often like to share the story behind the things I compliment, and I love to hear those stories, so it’s a good balance I think!

7. What's your eye color? 

I’ve always been told they’re brown but I’m like 98% certain they’re actually hazel? But the definitions of hazel I see are very, well, hazy tbh, and I’m afraid to commit to being 100% certain lmao

8. Scary movies or Happy endings? 

I like both BUT the happy endings I’d really like to have a lot of toil and angst and maybe a lil tragedy first—I want that happy ending to have blood stains that are over time bleached away by sunlight, but forever imprinted onto the fabric

9. Any talents? 

Idk if I’d describe myself as talented in any manner, but that’s mostly because I prefer to think in terms of skill-set over natural talent

That said, I have never formally—or informally really, for that matter—studied gemstones, but I can recognize and name a decent number of them on sight relatively easily, and have ID’d multiple pieces of tanzanite jewelry first try ( something where every individual, all unrelated, who was wearing said jewelry have said I’m the first person to not only think it was something other than sapphire, but to also know instantly. All I can really offer as to how I know is “its just the way it is” because ig the color and shine differences aren’t as easily noticeable to everyone else? ). It’s a side effect of having a detail focused mind that I’m honestly really proud of

10. Where were you born? 

Nice try sucker you’re not getting the answer to my online account security question THAT easily

11. What are your hobbies? 

Drawing

opening new tabs from my YouTube recommendations side bar for every song title that looks interesting and seeing how much new music I can find in one sitting before I get bored

finding hyper specific and sometimes rare things people I know haven’t been able to find and then buying it for them

googling the fuck out of some random ass thing that just came up in conversation until I have a bunch of new fun facts on the subject

sewing

and more!

12. Do you have any pets? 

LOTS

context: my family runs a small hobby farm, + we have our indoor pets ( only cats for indoor now ), we’ve had a variety of livestock over the years, but currently it’s just sheep and chickens for outdoor

13. How tall are you?

Just a lil over 5’5” but not quite 5’6” ( no I don’t need to be that specific but the doctor commented on it last time she took my height and damn if I won’t take the small win )

14. Favourite subject in school?

Mmmmm I’m gonna automatically disqualify art just to make this slightly more challenging for myself.. probably Astronomy? Tbh I’ve never been able to wrap my head around enough math concepts to understand a lot of science formulas, so that whole portion of it didn’t quite work out for me, but I enjoyed the fuck outta reading the textbook

15. Dream Job? 

Oh okay this one is actually really specific, but. Making an anime / cartoon style comic and / or illustrations and maybe a variety of other artwork for NASA, no this position does not exist but I want it IMMENSELY

Hooooo this got a LOT longer than I expected lmao

trying to avoid tagging mutuals I’ve already seen tagged in this one, obvi feel free to ignore if you don’t wanna do it ( we’re low stakes tagging in this household )

@zrllosyn

@magiwou-meowvin

@13threbagel

@lactoseparty

@aggressivelyclueless

@mcfanely

@cosmicteafox

@tunafishprincess

@ukiinas ( I silently salute you for being my longest standing mutual 🫡 )

…and anyone else who’d like to! ( I don’t feel like digging through my followers to fill the list to max shajsisoa have at it fellas )

[featheredadora]

when you get this, please respond with five things that make you happy! then, send to your last ten people in your notifs (anonymously). you never know who might benefit from spreading positivity <3

I don't often do these kinda asks, but I wanted to do this one seeing as I'm currently struggling quite a bit (pain + fatigue have been bad for a while) and I haven't be able to do a lot of the usual things that make me happy (I can't draw or even play games much at the moment!)

But I'm still super thankful for even little things that make me happy, so here's 5 things that have made me feel happier at the moment:

1. My birds! I love sharing my life with these little guys (and Sunshine too of course) and I feel happy and blessed every day to get to know more about them, spend time with them, and love them.

2. Trans films!! We watched Spiderverse a little while ago, and then Nimona last night, and it just makes me so happy to watch stuff that resonates with me. To see trans representation that I couldn't find when I was a kid. I hope other little kids feel seen too!

3. Positivity on my dash, and in particular trans positivity, fat positivity, and disability positivity! I've also been reading 'The Body is Not An Apology' by Sonya Renee Taylor (Reading is really difficult for me, so I am very slow, but I am trying!). It means so much to me to see people fighting for a world that is inclusive of, celebratory of, and compassionate towards, all kinds of bodies. I love you body diversity! I love you people boldly living their lives in spite of diet culture, ableism, racism, and transphobia!

4. Over the past few months I've been wearing clothes from 16-year-old me (rather than only wearing plain white shirts every day). Today I wore a 'new' (10-year-old) hoodie, and it is really nice in a sensory way! It feels soft and good to put my hands in the pockets and the material is nice. I am thankful for kid-me for getting this hoodie!

5. Everyone who supported my art over pride month! Honestly, everyone's kind messages meant a lot to me, thank you so much for your kindness! And I am so grateful for everyone who bought merch of my art this month! I'm still kinda shy talking about money on here (I know it's not shameful to be poor! But I'm still unlearning the shame I carried as a kid who grew up in poverty), but I just wanna say it really does mean a lot to have people support my work in such a material way, especially when finances are so tough for everyone at the moment. The money from my art this month has paid for my vitamins/minerals (which are like hideously expensive why are they so expensive??) which are super important for me because (due to sensory issues) I am not able to eat enough to get enough vitamins/calcium/iron from food. So thank you all for that, it makes me super happy!

[macbethz]

fuck it manchester black design tierlist

this man has never been drawn consistently in his LIFE so here are my opinions on them rated from best to worst

1. any Doug Mahnke

YOU CANT. OUTDO. THE DOER. Literally the og. this man has been drawing manchester black for 25 sluttly slutty years and shows no sign of stopping. my one complaint is that he has never drawn him with purple hair since his debut. #Sad!

2. Mike Perkins

Literally only drew him for a fraction of a single issue but I really loved it because it was a nice balance between his original design and the more scrawny design they've been going with recently. really keeping him looking pathetic while still bringing in the original facial structure of the mahnke look. he looks like hes high as balls. 10/10

3. DC animated

this is the design that brought him to the wider world and it really is so so good!!! I love how they incorporated the piercings and more punk elements despite those not being a huge part of his design before. Probably objectively the best design just in terms of like. shape language etc but i am a little comic biased what can i saw

4. Duncan Rouleau

I have to give this design credit for coining the percings and tripp pants look but unfortunately at this point in his career it seems Duncan had not yet mastered the human face and its very clear in every panel

5. Mikel Janin (and associated superman and the authority designs)

this design at first enamored me with morrisons writing and its skrunkly ratlike swag (which is especially visible in longer range shots and exaggerated expressions see image 2). but unfortunately he did turn Manchester into purple constantine for the remainder of the run and that i can not abide. the level of patheticness is so good but unfortunately Janin made the mistake of thinking he needed to be a twink to be that pathetic. incorrect! he now does not read as the same character!

6: Teen Titans

im not even calling out a specific artist here because they are all guilty to me. This design is so bad. I hate it so much. It bleeds 2014. it is SO early new 52 trying to hard to reinvent the wheel. why is his hair red. why is he supposedly 19. the redesigned tattoo is an interesting idea but it simply does not look good. i really hate that every time you google manchester black this specific image pops up like 20 times and its somehow even uglier than him in the normal art style of that comic. And you know DC wants to forget it too because they've basically pretended this comic never existed when discussing his past. also the comic run this was in characterized him so god-awfully that it made me physically ill

[moon-megami]

New Neurologist

Today I had a very inconvenient auto-rescheduled neurologist follow up appointment. I've only seen the actual Neurologist once, but he didn't find anything 'wrong' with me other than "it's probably migranes", so I got shuffled off to one of his nurse practitioners. This time I got a new one since the old one was no longer there. If anything, the old NP was passionate and caring, which helped. But she was mostly making sure the headache that likes to shatter the base of my skull hasn't came back and that I'm using my CPAP. I've been using 500mg of Magnesium to keep that skull-shattering pain away, and it's working. No one is going to pry that supplement out of my cold dead hands.

She starts out with the broad question "How are you?". A loaded question for someone who has a thousand problems. How am I? For which part of me? I could only muster up that my POTS was acting up because I got a stomach bug last week and my body hasn't caught up. I could kinda tell she didn't really 'follow', not a great sign. I felt slightly dizzy when standing yesterday, I had to use the scooter at the store to get myself a birthday present. She looked at my BP and just said "It's normal". No shit shirlock.

She steers the conversation to my headaches. My regular GP gave me Topimax at the beginning of January to try, but I was really weary of the side effects. I had finally eluded to him the fact I was smelling and tasting cigarette smoke out my nose and it had gotten worse and worse since August (I experienced phantom smells for at least 7+ years), so he gave me a low dose of 25mg Topimax because it could be a migraine aura. Checks out I guess. I've always known I have painless headaches or at least non-conventional headaches. About a week ago I finally noticed the effects and the smell is mostly gone. But the brain fog is still there.

The brain fog. I've always had brain fog since I've been diagnosed with POTS and Dysautonomia 13 years ago. I was 22 when all my issues started. But recently, around August or so (along with the phantom smell), it has gotten so much worse. So much so, that I can barely do my job. I'm a web programmer, and I need my brain to work. I need to be able to write more than a few lines of code a day, and yet, lately, that's all I can muster. Following a few trains of thought has been hard for me the past few months. This is a different beast of brain fog. As I sit there pouring this out to my new NP, tears roll down my cheeks. She asks me if I'm "sure" it just didn't start happening with Topimax (because one of the side effects is cognitive decline and brain fog). I reiterated to her, no, definitely not. If only I could show her my git history, hah.

She says "Let's take a little test". She gets up and brings back a paper, saying it's a memory test or whatever. I thought to myself, ok, this is easy. I don't like being put on the spot but I put my best effort face on anyway. She gave me 5 words to remember at the start of the test. Easy. She put a timer on one minute and told me to list as many animals I can think of. Sure.

"Cat, fish, chicken, dog, ... bird ... lion .. giraffe ....... cat ....." before I knew it, the timer was going off and I was sitting there in a ball pulling my hair out practically. Ugh. Failed that one miserably. I've always been bad at pulling things out of my ass. Go ahead, ask me where anything is. I know exactly where it is, but don't get the word "dresser" out of me when I tell you "its on the thingy over there".

Next was a few math problems, took me longer to answer but I think i was still riled up from the last question. After that I had to repeat back numbers backwards in increasing length, easy.

Next, I had to put an X on the triangle. She hands me the paper. I go straight for the square and mark it and she's like "No... that's the square." FUCK. "oh.. uh.. oh yeah the triangle lol haha". She then tells me to draw the hands of the clock "ten til eleven". I re-read the sentence next to the clock to make sure I understood and drew the clock, perfect, yep.

Next she read me a short story at the bottom of a paper and I answer all the details she asked for after. At the end she asks me for the words at the begining of the test.

Oh yeah. Those.

2 of them I was certain of. Pen and Tie. 2 I wasn't sure but I tried to remember her gestures at the time, Ball and Shirt, surely. The other was a mystery.

She takes the paper and totals the score. She had a slight downturn in her smile as she looked at the answers and the score. She says to me "Perhaps we should refer you to a center for further evaluation.". I asked her what I scored, out of curiosity. She forced a smile and scooted her chair closer to me. I know a polite blow when I see one, and it was coming. "Well... I expected a little higher score for someone your age and education level". There is is. Boom.

I asked her what I scored and what I missed. She said I got a 20/30, which doesn't mean much to me. But apparently, I only remembered 2/5 words, and missed all the number backward questions except for the 2-digit one, she seemed to have forgiven me for the triangle mistake. I drew the clock wrong. WAIT. I DREW THE CLOCK WRONG? Damn, I'm really stupid. Yeah, I drew it as 11:55 and not 11:50. All I had to do was draw a straight line with 2 arrows. Ugh. At least I got all the details in the story right.

So she wrote up some labs I have to go get now, told me to stop taking Topimax, and wrote me a prescription for Qulipta, which, as you know, is a very expensive medication. CBC, TSH, Total T4, B1, B12, Folate, D 25 hydroxy. All will come back normal I'm sure, I've had most of them checked recently anyway. And that referral, which will probably also take months to hear back from. In the car, I was mad at myself and a little sad. What did the test mean for me? I have always had... difficulties in some departments. I know I had learning difficulties, but I've always conquered them. I have never let it define me or interfere with my successes.

As soon as I got home, I wrote my GP an email through my portal explaining that she wanted me to stop taking the Topimax and start Qulipta, and about my test result. I had mentioned the crippling brain fog to him on my last visit too.

He wrote back in the evening, I assume after all his patients for the day. The tone of his correspondence came off to me as slightly spiteful, and I don't know how I feel about it. I've been building up a great rapport with him for 4 years, trusting him with more and more of my symptoms as I went along, him listening to just about every one of them and offering is best knowledge.

"I only have experience with Topimax and not Qulipta, but it seems like they have convinced your insurance to cough up the money for the expensive drug by using your cognitive test to justify taking you off Topiramate."

So was I just... used? Was all that test for was to get a kickback for a drug? It didn't feel like it, surely she wouldn't have bothered with ordering all the labs and that referral for further testing to a completely unrelated center? Talk about knocking me down a few inches more, to how already diminished I was feeling earlier today after my appointment. I feel mad and betrayed, but did he really mean it the way I am taking it? Was he mad I went against his own recommendations?

Again my closest friend is no help, he tries to comfort saying he'd score the same as me. From my quick Google search, and I do mean quick, because I didn't want to scare myself, 'normal' educated people my age don't score that low, even if they try. I don't tell my husband because I don't want him to worry, he has anxiety and worries too much. I only tell him things I am certain about. I don't know what to do with myself but type what I feel here and cry.

I guess that's the point of a blog.

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion