#other people will say things like oh face to face communication is better my mental health has improved after getting rid of social media

[gideonisms]

this is going to make me sound way too online which at this point is a given. anyway I think that online interactions about shared interests are the way I prefer to make friends full stop. like I have been only partially successful in making friends irl and the experience usually gives me so much anxiety that the process of getting there is grueling. but the people I made friends with 7 years ago due to shipping the same anime boys are like, still my friends and we interact multiple times a week. idk what to do with this information hvjklllkjjk

[pawnshopbleus]

The Songbird

Young!Coriolanus Snow x Fem!Plinth!Reader

Summary - Lucy Gray Baird was the talk of this year's Hunger Games. She had the beauty and the voice to charm her way through the games, but what happens when rumors spark up around the Capitol that her mentor and your boyfriend, Coriolanus Snow, have shared a kiss?

Warnings - Mild angst, Speculations of cheating, Smut (Coriolanus Snow eats you out), Bad communication, it gets sort of better at the ends so just trust me, Very mild Lucy Grey slander (Rachel Zegler they could never make me hate you.), let’s pretend that Snow has the capacity to love, Not beta read.

Being a Plinth meant two things: people hated you because you paid your way to the top, and people loved you because you had enough money to do it. Getting used to life in the capital was hard, but it got easier when you had a boyfriend who cared for you. Your brother, Sejanus, disapproved of his best friend dating his twin sister, but the two of you could care less. 

You met Coriolanus at the Academy. You were charmed by his white hair and the way he carried himself. He also wasn’t as stuck up and snobby as your other classmates. He was easy to talk to and even easier on the eyes. He must have noticed the way you were entranced by him when he asked you out. After many dates and your father's approval, he asked you to be his girlfriend.

Now, you were sitting in the lunch room, picking at the sandwich that was in front of you. It was no secret that Coriolanus’s tribute was the favorite of the capitol. She was beautiful and swept everyone off of their feet with that sweet voice of hers. Your tribute on the other hand was nothing more than a throwaway tribute from District Nine. To be frank, he was short and skinny. There was nothing much you could do for him. Maybe he could be good at hiding, but he wouldn’t last long in the arena. 

“Are you going to eat?” Coriolanus asked as he eyed your sandwich. “You need to eat, dove.”

“I’m not hungry,” you grumbled as you took a sip of your water. 

“Can I have it then?”

You nod your head and hand him the sandwich. You watched as he put it in a napkin and placed it in his coat pocket. 

You tilted your head in confusion. Was he saving that for later? “Coryo, if you, Grandma'am, and Tigris need something to eat, you can come over. You know my home is always open to you and your family.” 

He smirked and shook his head. “No, I’m saving it for Lucy Gray.” 

“Oh.” That was all you could say. Of course, he was saving that for his Lucy Gray. Him feeding his tribute would fuel the rumors that Coriolanus Snow and Lucy Gray Baird were developing a budding relationship. People were already invested in them after his stunt at the Capitol Zoo. 

You grabbed your tray from the table and left without saying another word. You couldn’t find it in you to confront him about what people were saying. Maybe you were being a bad girlfriend, but your jealousy got the best of you.    As the sun set and the moon rose, you lie in your room, hoping that Lucy Gray wouldn’t accept the sandwich. You wanted her to throw it back at him, scaring him so much that he would never visit her again. But this isn’t about what you want. This is about Coriolanus and his mission to get his tribute to win. 

The next morning, you couldn’t eat. You were physically and mentally sick with jealousy. You were meant to meet with your tribute to discuss a game strategy. In your peripheral, you could see Coriolanus with Lucy Gray. He was so alert when he talked with her. He once talked to you like that, but after the first time he saw Lucy Gray on the screen, he’s become distant. He was always talking about her, visiting her, thinking about her. Part of you wanted her to die in the arena, but your wishes fell upon deaf ears. 

For the first time, you were faced to face with your tribute. He was even skinnier in person. Your heart burned for him. You were so lucky that your parents got you out of the District when they could or else that could have been you on the other side of the table. 

“Okay, Finn, I’m going to be honest, you aren’t the person people root for, but I can make sure that you live as long as possible.” What you said was harsh, but true. You could get your father and his friends to sponsor him. With enough sponsors, he could get food, water, and medicine. That’s as good as it’s going to get. 

“We all know that Lucy Grey’s going to win. Her mentor has been visiting her every night. He brought her half of a sandwich last night. I saw them by the gates. I could see them talking. They were close, real close. I could have sworn I saw them kiss, but-” The rest of Finn’s sentence was drowned out by the sound of static ringing through your ears. 

— — — — 

Your knuckles rapped against the door of the Snow residence. It was later in the day, your tribute was thankful that you somewhat believed in him, but both of you knew that he wasn’t going to make it out alive. If anyone killed the Capitols songbird they would surely live a life of shame. 

Tigris opened the door and smiled when she saw you standing there, but her smile faded as she saw the tears streaming down your face. She opened her arms and trapped you in them, letting your tears stain her dress. “What’s wrong?” she asked. Her voice was soft and almost whisper quiet. She was a gentle soul and you trusted her with your darkest secrets. 

“My tribute said that Coriolanus and Lucy Gray kissed,” you said through tears. 

Tigris gasped and looked at you in the eyes, searching for something to say. “I’m-I don’t know what to say. That doesn’t sound like Coryo. He loves you too much to do that.” 

“Really? Lately Lucy Grey is all he can talk about. It’s like she’s his girlfriend and not me.”  “Because he wants to win the prize money. We need to pay rent and we don’t have enough.” Tigris said as she wiped away your tears. 

“It doesn’t help that the capitol likes them together. He might as well date her instead of me. I mean, she’s pretty and she can sing like none other. I just-” You were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing. In less than twenty seconds Coriolanus was at your side. 

His hands find their place on your shoulders as he pulls you away from Tigris’s grasp. His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion. “What’s wrong, dove? Did someone hurt you?” 

You wipe your nose with your sleeve. Your mother would kill you if she found out you did something so unclassy in front of a man, but right now you could care less about class. Your eyes looked around everywhere, trying not to make eye contact with his. You knew that you would cry again if you looked into his eyes. The eyes that got you hooked on him in the first place. The eyes that Lucy Grey saw flutter close before they kissed. 

Your shoulders wiggled out of his grasp. His hands fell to his sides and you could have sworn you saw his hands ball up in fists, stopping themselves from coming in contact with your soft skin. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat and said, “My tribute, Finn. He said that you and Lucy Gray kissed last night at the zoo.” It came out more as a whisper. You hated how pathetic you sounded right at that moment. 

You could see Coriolanus search for the memories of what happened last night. He then sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “We didn’t kiss,” he began, “but I can see why the other tributes would think that. We were close, but it was only because I wanted to tell her more game strategies and I didn’t want the other tributes to hear.” 

You felt stupid. You felt really stupid to assume that your boyfriend of two years would cheat on you. “But I-I heard people in the shop the other day say that they wanted you and Lucy Gray to get together. They said that the two of you had so much chemistry.”

“First of all, that’s illegal, and second of all, I love you. And only you.” His hand tilted your chin up and wiped the tears that were still falling on your face. Tigris had retired to her room a long time ago. 

Coriolanus leads you to his room. The window that overlooked the Capitol was open, letting in the cold. “Let me show you how much I love you,” he whispered, inches away from your lips. 

“Yes,” was the only thing you managed to say before he kissed you. The kiss started off soft and slow, but as his hands found their home on your waist, the kiss got harder. Your lips found a good rhythm as they got familiar with one another. His tongue skittered across your bottom lip, begging for permission to enter. Your tongues danced with one another before Coriolanus broke the kiss. 

His lips pressed light kisses along your neck. He nipped at your skin causing you to jump a bit. He smiled into your skin and laid you down on his bed. His hand slid down to the bottom of your dress. You had changed after you got home from the visit with your tribute. You wanted to get that stupid uniform off before it suffocated you. 

“Do you want this?” he asked as his fingers inched the bottom of your dress up inch by inch until the only thing that was left covering your bottom half was your underwear. They were already soaked through. He began placing soft kisses on the skin of your things, but he wouldn’t go any further until he got your permission. The last thing he wanted to do was make you uncomfortable. After all, this was supposed to be about you. 

You nodded your head and Snow nipped your inner thigh. “Words, dove.” 

“Yes, Coryo.” 

“Good girl.” He breathed before his fingers hooked into the waistband of your underwear. He slowly took them off of you, dragging this on as long as he could before you went mad. Your chest rose and fell as you focused on the man in between your legs. 

Right now, the games were the least of your worries. The people who started the rumors of Coriolanus and Lucy Grey could go to hell for all you cared. You finally had the truth. Coriolanus loved you, and no District Twelve songbird could change that. 

Coriolanus nuzzles his nose against your clit as his tongue prods against your entrance. Your hand clamped over your mouth as you tried your best to muffle your moans. You would just die if Grandma'am or Tigris heard what their beloved Coriolanus was doing to you. 

Seconds later, his mouth hungrily sucked on your clit. Your eyes went wide and you let out a silent moan. Overwhelmed with pleasure, your thighs clamp around his head, but instead of pushing them back, he keeps them there. He looks up at you and his beautiful blue eyes flutter close, enjoying the way you taste. 

His fingers trace along your wet hole, gathering your slick. First, he inserts his index finger and then his middle one. His fingers are long and skinny, but they feel oh so fucking good. His fingers fuck in and out of you, stroking along your G-spot. 

You can’t hold on much longer. He can tell by the way your pussy clenches around his fingers. He hungrily laps at your clit, drawing small and tight circles with his tongue. Coriolanus loves this part. The part when your back arches off his bed, when your pussy spasms around him, and when your thighs shake as you let out the prettiest moan. Chills run down your body as you shiver with pleasure. You come off your high as he takes his fingers out of you. They’re soaked with your release and he grins down at them. He licks his fingers clean of your slick and kisses the skin right above your hips. 

“That better?” he asked, lying next to you on the bed. 

You nod your head. You weren’t able to form words right at the moment.

“I’m sorry for making you believe that I would ever cheat on you. I really do love you, my dove.” 

Your heart sank to the bottom of your stomach. You let oxygen fill your lungs before you exhale and turn it into carbon dioxide. “Coryo, I’m sorry for being jealous. I know how much this annual Hunger Games means to you. You know that my father would be more than happy to pay your rent. He knows how much you mean to me.” 

Coriolanus shook his head. “That’s not what this is about. Dove, I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you for your father.” 

You got up and straddled his lap, your bare pussy was just inches away from his hard cock. Coriolanus gulps, his Adam's apple bobbing. Your hands wipe away some hair from his face. “Then what is this about? Please, let me know. I want to help.” 

He hides his face in the crook of your neck. “I want to show the Dean that I can win. I want to show him that Snow lands on top,” Coriolanus mumbles against your skin. 

“Figuratively and literally,” you whisper. 

Coriolanus spent the rest of the night showing you exactly what he meant by ‘Snow lands on top.’

[oblique-lane]

Sniper tf2 mentality

Today I will be talking about Sniper's personality because I often see people portraying him DRASTICALLY different abd I wanted to understand what's going on and why all of the interpretations are correct (in my opinion)

Let's name the most prominent thesises:

Sniper is shy and introverted.

Sniper is unhinged and bloodlusty and is annoyed by people.

Why do i think that these aren't exactly contradictory?

I think at this point it's safe to assume Sniper is autistic (I mean lol this is easier to prove than to disprove). As an autistic person myself, I can see why he could be perceived like that.

Sniper doesn't talk to people and mostly observes them and the situation. Very in tune with his profession. That, however, might be perceived as being shy or very introverted or both. People love talking and expect others to share information, yet Sniper never says half of the things he's thinking about.

But let me tell you, it's NOT because he's shy. If he was shy, it would show in his body language as being stiff and rigid. He's not. His body is pretty relaxed and takes enough space. Still crosses his arms, but in a "don't bother me" way, not a "please don't judge me" way.

He's just disinterested.

I relate to it a lot in real life! People at my job think I'm too shy to talk to them, but no, I just DON'T WANT TO. I'm not scared of any if you, there's just nothing to talk about. I don't know your business, you don't know mine, our interests don't collide. If I talked to you about my interests you wouldn't listen anyway. Small talk? Ew, are y kidding me?

However, I like to listen. I'm an extrovert personally (unexpected huh) so I love being around people, but it doesn't mean I have to takk to them. I'll just sponge the information they are babbling about so I know my community better. When I meet new group of people where everyone knows eachother but me, I'm not going to feel awkward, it's perfectly fine to observe.

Sniper seems to fit into this kind of behaviour too. So he's not shy in a social anxiety sense".

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BLOODLUST!!

Yeah you all know his in-game voicelines. You feel either horny or assaulted after he rolls these sadistic words on his tongue. Yes I said sadistic, are you gonna argue?

"We professionals don't give speeches we just take a shot" he says in the comics. OH YEAH? IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE THE MOST FUCKING VOICELINES OF ALL OF THEM??

Have you ever noticed how much attention he puts into saying how 'professional' he is? Like, yeah no shit, they all kinda are. But why, unlike other mercs, he insists on calling himself a professional with standards and morals, detached from emotions and feelings, so much???

There's literally no reason to be ashamed of being a killer and to admit that you enjoy killing people, you were hired to Mann Co. for that specifically!!!

My assumption: it's a personal disgust towards himself and his anger issues. I've said it before already and I will again.

His so called 'shadow side' that he suppresses so much. It loves to cause people pain, it loves releasing the inner anger, it is being feral and impulsive in nature. Sniper cannot let himself be like that for whatever reason. He's already built a clear picture of what he is in his head and he doesn't want to destroy that.

The only time he allows himself to be a monster is in the battle because it comes naturally. However, when it's not a situation of adrenaline rush, when people want to talk about his persona face to face, he starts to defend himself and bury his face under the lies he believes in.

And THIS is anxiety. To be scared to be truly perceived. Not like many people tried, but I assume he wouldn't like it.

Bro really thinks he doesn't have feelings lmaoooo imagine being so emotionally immature the only way to process your emotions is to shot a human dead.

So, is Sniper anxious? Yes. Is this social anxiety? No, he's not shy. Is he an unhinged murderer? Yes. Does he identify as one? No. It's really a little bit more complicated than the two thesises from the beginning.

He's a person. Obviously not mentally healthy. High dimensional. Can be potentially broken or healed in terms of a good character study.

I might be very wrong though and most of the assumptions are simply guessing by grasping the patterns, but usually when I analyze someone like thus, it turns out mostly right. But correct me if you feel like it.

[butchpeace]

it is so insane to say that doctors shouldn’t practice gender reassignment surgeries, or that hrt shouldn’t be accessible, and not for transgender activism reasons either (though ignoring the enormous number of people that are happy with their transition is just willful ignorance). where do you draw the line on what adults can do with their bodies? do you ban all plastic surgeries? do you ban all the surgeries that require removing “healthy” body parts? Do you have any idea the amount of autonomy that strips cis women of? What about breast reductions? Oh, they can be removed because the woman’s back hurt? What is the level of hurt required, how do you decide which women’s backs are hurting enough and which aren’t? What about cis women who desire hysterectomies for a variety of reasons? how is removing my breast different from say, getting breast implants. do we ban breast implants, and then where do you draw the line? it’s such a non-nuanced way to see things.

“all plastic surgeries should be banned!” what if somebody gets into a car accident and doctors have to reconstruct their face. Probably they can live without it, but are you saying they should? What if somebody breaks a nose, should the doctor do the absolute bare minimum to fix it instead of trying to give it the aspect it had before? What if a woman requires a mastectomy for medical reasons, and lately wants breast implants, should it be illegal for her to get those? besides, what is the level of illness required to perform a surgery that is outlawed? Do you think having to fight the law as well during something like breast cancer or similar would be of benefit to women? worth it if it means transgender people can’t get it either?

and don’t even get me started on hrt, because if you can’t prescribe those meds for a certain mental condition, what is the difference with any other medicine, especially psychomeds? That it has collateral effects? Guess what? Most of them do! That it shows on the body? What is the actual difference, that you can make a law out of, without any overlapping, between something working on your hormones to show a change in your physical appearance and something working on your hormones to show a change in your brain activity? What if a med that’s needed to cure whatever illness has certain effects on the body? I swear you people do not think.

I’ve thought about all of these things, over the 12 years I spent in the trans community and the 10 years I spent on hormones. I still came to the conclusion I did. Actually, going through it myself is what brought me to this belief and cemented my opinion.

HRT and gender surgeries are different from necessary medical treatments and procedures because they aren’t medically necessary. They are medically harmful across the board in every case, to varying degrees. Female bodies are not meant to have high levels of testosterone. It causes health problems. Same for males.

So in order to defend using HRT, they have to prove that the benefit outweighs the harm. How do they attempt to do that? By claiming that everyone will commit if they can’t transition.

And what basis do they have for that belief? Nothing scientific. The only way they could get that data is through a study that gives half the participants HRT and doesn’t give it to the other half, and compares how many people commit.

So right now, they’re just going on the assumption that transitioning helps our mental health better than any alternative mental healthcare treatment option would be able to. (And better than just leaving us alone.)

This is when most people bring up how trying to treat dysphoria in another way would be “conversion therapy”. Because they apparently aren’t aware that there’s a huge difference between using electric shock to try to change people’s sexuality, and using exploratory talk therapy to help dysphoric people work through the issues that caused them dysphoria in the first place.

Proper mental healthcare, medical education, feminist education, and teaching dysphoric people to connect with their body has the ability to get rid of their dysphoria. It worked for me and many others I’ve talked to who have detransitioned or desisted. And sometimes all it takes is just growing up for us to understand ourselves better and accept our bodies. But of course, that idea threatens the entire foundation of the trans movement, so it can’t be true. Right?

In my mind, it’s fucking dystopian that we have all these kids now who never even got the chance to grow up before having these decisions made for them. Being fed the idea that they’re trans, and the only way for them to be happy is to make drastic medical changes to their body, has a devastating affect on their mental health and leads them to medicalization they otherwise may not have needed.

As for elective procedures, yes I also oppose those. I think any surgeon who gives someone a potentially dangerous procedure, or a procedure with a high regret rate, should lose their license to practice.

It’s not “oppressive” to women to say I don’t agree with them getting cosmetic surgeries or electively getting their important reproductive organs removed. That’s fucking ridiculous, to call that “oppression”. The fact that women think they need these cosmetic surgeries is the real oppression.

Anything with a legitimate medical reason, breast reduction, or simple procedures to prevent pregnancy are exceptions to the rule because they legitimately improve quality of life.

I hope that helped you be able to follow my train of thought about all this, and understand better what I’m saying.

[whateversawesome]

Chapter 93: Stellas, Tonitrus and Another Desmond

First of all, congratulations to our girl for getting another stella (her first academic achievement stella too!) Good for you, Anya!!

Anya also got a tonitrus bolt, but who cares about that 😆 Oh yeah, I know who does...

Congratulations also to Twilight for not losing it. Good for you, Twilight...you're learning how to be a good dad. Hey, did you notice he didn't even try to look at the results before time?

Look at that baby's face 💕 Positive reinforcement and encouragement work wonders! Still, I hope one day, Anya realizes her papa loves her no matter what.

It was one hell of a chapter, don't you think?

Let me get this out of the way: the more I know the people around Donovan Desmond, the less I like him. Even though we know very little about this man, it looks like his relationship with his family has destabilized his wife and son's mental health and general wellbeing.

So, here are my thoughts:

Demetrius

He looks like a kid who was pushed too hard to study and was taught nothing else. Yeah, he may be a stella-earning machine, but he lacks a balance, like the ability to communicate and understand other people. If anything, he seemed overwhelmed by a simple interaction with a some kids.

I'm guessing his classmates see him like an unapproachable person and he is probably a loner. He doesn't seem close to his brother either and I'm going to guess he's not close to Melinda. I suspect his dad "took him under his wing" since he was very young and made him that way.

Why couldn't Anya read his thoughts?

At the moment, I don't think he was experimented on. In my opinion, this boy's only thoughts are about studying, earning stellas, and not being able to understand people. All courtesy of...

Donovan Desmond

It looks like Donovan did spend a lot of time with Demetrius when he was young. The purpose is still not very clear to me, but this looks fishy. Either he sincerely wanted his son to do well in school or there was a reason Donovan Desmond wanted to be inside those imperial scholar social gatherings.

My gut tells me it's the second option. Why?...

I believe Donovan was Prime Minister or close to being Prime Minister back then. Why would a busy politician like him spend his time making sure his son did well in school? Something doesn't add up.

In the present, Donovan is basically a recluse and the only events he attends are those imperial scholar gatherings. If Desmond was a good dad, it would be understandable for him to support his son, even if he didn't participate in politics anymore. But that's the thing; Donovan Desmond is not a good, supportive dad. Demetrius said it himself: his dad is not in contact with him. Meaning, there must be an ulterior motive for him to attend to those social gatherings.

My guess is that he used his son. And since he already has access to those meetings, he doesn't need to communicate with his eldest son anymore or to have a relationship with his youngest either.

Talking about the youngest Desmond...

Damian

Damian and Anya had a rocky start, but as the story advances, it's obvious Damian is a sweet boy, who seems so...abandoned.

Damian is the kind of kid who thinks he has to earn his parents' love (especially his dad's). That's horrible. That love should be unconditional.

However, after meeting Melinda and now Demetrius, I can confidently say he's better off at school. Because of this, I'm thinking that it was Melinda the one who insisted on Damian staying at Eden.

Damian probably thought that in order for his dad to spend time with him, he needed to be like his brother, meaning a stella-earning machine. That's why those stellas are so important to him. And let me say that it's remarkable that Damian is earning stellas without any help from his parents or anyone else (like Demetrius in the past and Anya in the present.)

Now I see that part of his character arc could be for him to realize he doesn't have to be like his brother and he doesn't need his father's approval either.

Can you see the difference his friends make in Damian's life? His friends, including Anya, are helping become a different person than his brother. They're helping him realize he doesn't have to behave "like a Desmond" only, that it's okay to behave like a kid too.

Maybe that's why his mom wants him to be friends with Anya. She's a good influence on him.

It will be interesting to see if Damian's relationship with Demetrius changes over time. I would like to see that because Damian craves a relationship with his family. In my opinion, Melinda does love his youngest son (we don't know how she feels about Demetrius), but there's a reason why she won't go near him. At some point, we'll find out that reason.

Twilight and Anya

Just like Desmond, Twilight needs to get into those imperial scholar gatherings. That's why Anya needs to get those stellas. We could argue he's also using Anya like Donovan used Demetrius, but there are a few key differences:

1.Anya knows and is helping him willingly, because she knows her papa's purpose: to keep peace (and make a world where children don't have to cry).

2.The way Twilight encourages Anya earn those stellas. Yes, he makes her study (helps her too), like any parent would, but he also lets Anya be herself! Twilight wants Anya to have a balanced life, to have friends, to have fun, to play, to watch TV, to go on outings and even travel as a family.

He's not forcing her to study 24/7 so she turns into a stella-earning machine, because he knows there's more to life than stellas and good grades and because he wants the best for his child, over his mission (even when he's not ready to admit that).

3.This whole thing is transforming him. Unlike Desmond, Twilight is becoming more human. He no longer serves his own purpose (even if that purpose is for peace). Now, he's a father and has to put his daughter's wellbeing first.

Do you need proof?

Here, Twilight asked the question we've all been dying to ask.

As a spy, he would have pushed his daughter to remember her past so she would answer the question. But instead...

He realized those memories could be painful and didn't want his daughter to think about that, so he just tells her to forget about it...Why? Because Anya's past doesn't matter. Even when it could be advantageous for his mission, he chooses to let it go for his daughter's sake and because she already has a family with Yor, Bond, and him.

Donovan and Damian

I wonder if at some point Donovan Desmond will try to use Damian for his own purpose. If that happens, I'm sure Damian won't turn his dad down, he'll be happy his father finally acknowledges him and will be happy to spend time with him.

My gut has been screaming that Damian and Donovan are a foil of [Redacted] and his dad. And not only that...Remember when that awful man made Anya cry during the Eden Interview and Twilight lost it? I suspect the relationship between Damian and Donovan Desmond could be a big trigger for Mr. Spy.

Since most of the characters in SxF are morally gray, I suspect Donovan Desmond will be the same. Maybe he'll turn out to be a good leader who wants the best for his country and wants to prevent the war, but at the same time is an abusive husband and father.

Would Twilight be okay with that now that he is a father and a husband himself?

At some point, Twilight will probably have to choose between his family and his mission and Donovan Desmond is his mission...🤔

[aranock]

I'm tired.

Just sort of in general I am exhausted. I know I put on a brave face a lot, but the hate does get to me. The constant unceasing hatred both offline and online gets to me. I'm human idk what to say. Been thinking a lot about the Bilbo quote, I might be paraphrasing, "I feel like too little butter spread across too much toast."

It's pride month, I should be feeling happy right? I convocated finally after a brutal long degree I should be feeling happy right? I like how my body looks for the first time in my life shouldn't I feel happy?

And I know that's not helpful, that feelings are not a should thing. And yet I feel it anyway :/. Not that I do not feel happy, I would say on average I am better than I have been at any other point in my life. But it does get to me.

I was invited to dinner with a former family member, a blood relative that breached every boundary I placed and even went so far as to accost me in a public space. It's hard watching someone lose all love for you the more you become yourself. Being told I'm an embarrassment to my parents by creeps online stings a lot more now that I had a blood relative say it to my face while aggressively yanking my jacket so I couldn't get away. I know its a lie, I know that this person saying that hurt my parents as much as it did me. Alas, anxiety rarely responds to facts or evidence.

Everytime it feels like I'm fine and over it; this person manages to weasel their way around boundaries to fuck up my mental health for a week. And the thing about chronic illnesses like mine is they flare up quite horrendously when you get stressed and anxious. Anxiety means waking up to acid burnt throat from reflux.

It makes my voice dysphoric all day.

I think deep down one of my greatest fears is that I am unlovable, that everyone around me secretly hates me and is just waiting for the excuse to finally be rid of interacting with me. I am terrified that I am a burden. Mortified by the false belief that I am broken.

Despite how horrific my childhood adolescence and some of my early adulthood were, my family was at least a safe place. I recognize that I was privileged to have that. With that said I think the reason this whole thing has rocked me so much is that it violated that one last place I felt safe. It has made me doubt the love of those I never thought I would.

Sometimes transphobia feels like drowning, and if you try to swim for air everyone decides to shove you further down cause actually it's proof you are faking needing breath.

I text someone anytime I go run errands, just to make sure someone knows. Had too many experiences of hate. I get anxious when I go to get groceries; will this be the time I get hit by a vehicle driven by a far right transphobe, am I going to get called a slur again, will the store staff get suspicious of me and search through all my groceries to make sure I actually paid for it. But please, tell me how I don't know what its like to be oppressed. When men sexually harass, catcall, creepily hit on, follow me around clearly I am not at all experiencing sexism. Obviously the real worst thing in the world is that women "cancel" people on the internet, and trans people exist. Did they think sending me hateful articles would suddenly make me go "oh yes clearly its all in my head, please genocide my community, I stand for nothing and have the moral backbone of a slug."

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I dont usually feel or desire to express something like this publicly. I will probably delete it later. Maybe I disappear into writing cause its easier to deal with the feelings that way. That at least then someone gets something out of my pain. That maybe it helps to condense emotional mountains to the mole hills of short strokes of a pen or presses of a key. To let them explode outward in a flurry of thoughts and words that others look at and say "I too have felt this, you are not alone, you are not wrong for feeling this way."

Anything to take the weight of it all off my chest for a second.

Because I am tired.

I'm exhausted really.

I don't want to be brave or strong or resilient. It's tiring to bear the weight of that and a billion projections. Atlas does not bear the heavens upon his shoulders because he is strong or brave. He bears it because he has no other choice. Because people put it on him.

I just want to exist; that is apparently too much to ask for as a trans woman.

If you are concerned, please don't worry I'll be fine, I was fine every other time after all. This too shall pass. But right now it hurts.

And I have had my fill of hurt for many lifetimes.

[honeyjars-sims]

3.28 Coming Clean

The next time I arrive at work, I remind myself that I need to be an adult about this whole situation. I figure I should start by admitting to Lexie and the others that I exaggerated my importance at the company. Before I can get settled in, though, I get a text from Lucy asking to see me in her office. 

“Hey, how’d it go with your new minions?” I ask. I can tell by the annoyance on her face that my joke didn’t land.

“I wanted to talk to you about that, actually.” Uh oh. I realize I might actually be in trouble.

“Sure, what about?”

“Did you tell the students that you’re their boss?” She folds her arms across her chest.

“Oh yeah, I did say that, but I’m going to tell them I was just joking.”

“Well, joking around is fine, but misrepresenting your role goes a step too far. I needed you to help them get acquainted with their new workplace, not confuse them about the chain of command.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it would be such a big deal.”

“It’s not just that, though. I didn’t mind finishing up the tour for you, but there were other things I needed you to do yesterday and you were nowhere to be found. When I asked Damien what you were doing for him, he said he hadn’t given you any assignments. This isn’t like you, Johnny. What’s going on?”

I don’t know what to say. I know I dropped the ball, but I also don’t want to have to explain why I dipped out like I did. “I really am sorry,” I tell her. “I know it’s not an excuse, but I was feeling really anxious about something and I needed to step away.”

I can see her face soften a bit. “Look, I’m sorry that you were struggling yesterday,” she responds. “Mental health should always be a priority, but I really need you to communicate these things to me. If you need to take some time to yourself or you need a mental health day, please just let me know.”

For some reason it never occurred to me that I could have just talked to her about it. “Okay, I’ll make sure to come to you next time,” I promise. “I’m sorry I let you down. Whatever you need from me today I’ll do it. Actually, I was going to ask about getting security badges for the students. I, uh, might’ve made it sound like they weren’t important enough to get one.”

Lucy exhales loudly through her nose. “Yes, I’ll put in a request. I’ll let you know when they’re ready.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“And Johnny, I know you can do better than this. Don’t get in your own way.”

Once the badges are ready, I deliver them to the students.

“I thought you said we wouldn’t get one of these?” Izzy asks.

“Yeah, I was just trying to make myself seem important,” I admit. “Just like when I said I’m kind of your boss. I don’t actually have any authority here, but if you ever need something I’ll do what I can to help.”

“Johnny, you don’t have to impress us,” Lexie says gently.

“Yeah,” Donovan adds. “We all think it’s cool that you got a job here.”

“Well, I’m sorry for lying. I know you probably heard about some of the stuff I was getting into over the summer and I didn’t want you to think I was still a fuck up.”

“Hey, man, we never thought you were,” Chase tells me. “We were mostly just worried about you.”

“Yeah, we were all relieved to see you’re doing so well,” Kelsey chimes in.

All I can do is smile and nod. I’m afraid if I say anything, I’ll start crying. Not because I’m sad, though. I feel happy that I have so many people in my life that care about me. Even if things are awkward for a while, I feel like everything might actually be okay.

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

[warblogs17282]

Going from Stolas being a disney princess -> horny Blitz -> the fight -> the next fight next episode -> oh shit i did something bad here for fucks sake -> attempt at apology -> Stolas kinda moving on -> ???

Has really set up the course of the season. In my mind, 2 things can happen.

They don't see each other at all. Stolas avoids Blitz, and Blitz is scared to do anything because he's trying to take Verosika's advice

They see each other far too much. Like they're both everywhere.

Now, both of these have potential... And I think both can lead to a voice messy argument (again) where both finally apologise and they both finally see the others side.

Thanks for the ask I like doing these :)

My prediction is this, it's going to start as 1 and progress into two, when it progresses I'm assuming the last episode, my guesses based on the trailer is that ghostfuckers is the Blitz trauma healing episode, with the line Blitz says overlayed onto the mental breakdown scene (it is not being said in that exact scene) being 'I destroy everything, I make everyone's lives worse.' I believe the leviathan demon (I think it is one anyways) makes Blitz face his traumas by some means, he's already shown to have strong powers (possession, shapeshifting, the painting thing), being forced to face those traumas seen in picture 2 and 3, could possibly lead up to the mental breakdown we see Blitz have in picture 1, or the other way around.

The episode after that I have nothing to really substantiate it but I've always had this theory in the back of my mind that Vassago is going to be more of a mentor/support figure to Stolas, as what Stolas needs more than one night stands is actual friends, what helps better if it's a person that can actually understand Stolas, down to the family he was born into, being the Goetia. Let's be real, the rom-com speech Stolas gave while drunk in apology tour? That's real telling about just how isolated Stolas is from the real world, romance does not work like a rom-com and Stolas needs to learn that asap. Plus Stolitz cannot get back together without Stolas realising his own problems as well. Blitz's butler imps comment in full moon and 'You get off to getting plowed by people you look down on.' the line before the one in the picture. It proves that Stolas has not learned from the night before, and that Stolas is still being accidentally racist to imps, Stolas doesn't know he's doing it but Blitz clearly hears and feels it, which in conjunction with the mess that was the party for Blitz, I'd imagine the most reasonable thing for the both of them to do at this point is go no contact while they learn from their mistakes and problems that prevent Stolitz from truly happening.

Which puts us into the last episode, my guess for it is this, something happens to Stolas beforehand, because there's no way purely Andrealphus set this up on his own, he's a lower rank than Stolas, potential Paimon involvement? Healthy communication happens for a bit, they get interrupted by the attack on Stolas, they somehow fend off the attack, then they continue to talk healthy or just realise how they both messed up hard and be good friends again at the very least. There is that Octavia scene in the trailer as well, maybe she's got something to do with the divorce proceedings and the sudden loss of Stolas' powers, most likely played like a puppet by Stella and Andrealphus, because her one line in the trailer is how her father never loved mother or Octavia (because Stolas cheated on Stella with Blitz), Octavia does not know about much of the abuse Stella gave Stolas, making Stolas seem like the bad guy to Octavia.

So yea that's my theory on where the rest of the season is going to go, starting off at 1 from here out and eventually progressing into 2 around the end. Again thanks for the ask, I enjoyed writing this :)

[ineffable-suffering]

Demonic Mental Health Awareness Post

i'm not sure if occult beings are technically capable of suffering from mental illnesses but, watching S2 for the nth time now, i'm pretty sure that ever since Armageddon didn't happen, crowley has simply been a little, well ... depressed.

(just in case, a mild TW: depression, trauma, mental illness)

like, one of the firsts things we hear him say (to shax, out of all people) is: "do you ever think: what's the point of it all? heaven, hell, angels, demons, it's all ... pointless." which– whoof, that's heavy. i mean, fair enough, he's got a point, but it's still one hell (pun intended) of a statement to chuck out as one of the first things he says this season.

i think the way that crowley and aziraphale processed Armageddon is .. very different. we see aziraphale at the beginning of S2:

happy as always in his surroundings

chatting to the people in his whickber street community

buying music

humming along to it in his bookshop

and just frolicking, as he always does

crowley, however, is:

sitting alone on The park bench

questioning the meaning of existence

while also technically being homeless

and living in his car

for ... no apparent reason other than not being bothered to miracle himself up a new flat

of course, crowley's always been a bit of a grumpy goth boyfriend. but it doesn't take a licensed therapist to figure out that he's clearly Going Through something. and it makes sense, if you think about it. surely, Armageddon was traumatic for both of them. but i think aziraphale does have a bit more of a safety net to fall back on. he's got his shop, his books, his music and some of his neighbours he seems to like and know. and, of course, he has crowley. who's always just a phone call away and who he, as we are told, calls when pretty much anything does or doesn't happen.

crowley's main hobby and somewhat safe space used to be his plants and his flat, but those are kinda gone too now/crammed into the bentley and he clearly hasn't been able to move on yet since he a) hasn't bothered to get a new flat and (what i think is an even bigger indicator of him not being okay) b) hasn't told aziraphale yet. ("we talk all the time!" yup, but clearly not about the things that matter, hm?)

it's been four years. four years in which, seemingly, aziraphale had few issues with falling back into his old flow, picking up his hobbies again and even making more friends around Soho. and four years in which crowley lost his flat, most of his plants and apparently his will to change anything about it or share it with aziraphale.

having been through major depressive episodes myself, this does *david tennant voice* bingle-bongle-dingle-dangle all my alarm bells.

because people cope with trauma in different ways. some better than others. and crowley, having Major Unresolved Trauma from his Fall, always having been rather unhappy with the work he'd been doing for hell (aka only getting credit for things he didn't do and sort of messing up things he did do) and also having to face the fact that the angel he was head over heels in love with kept turning him down over and over again for reasons he didn't understand ... well, it didn't set him up for a great post-not-so-much-the-end-of-the-world start.

and sometimes, being forced to keep running under kinda shitty conditions (such as a crappy job or trying to chase after the love of your life) still keeps you running. but once that all stopped, once aziraphale and crowley were (at least for the time being) free of heaven and hell and could finally just live their lives, crowley seems to just have retreated further back into himself. questioning the whole meaning of existence and not really talking about it to the one person he'd always wanted to be with. which makes sense because more than anything, crowley wants to protect aziraphale. and he‘s definitely the type of demon person to think that sharing your struggles means burdening someone else with them. oh crowley, you and me would have so much to talk about, babe.

so yeah. the world almost ended. and then it just went back to normal. and i think crowley is still stuck somewhere between thinking he'd lost his best friend and love of his life in a fire, almost being anihilated by his satanic boss and then everything simply snapping back into the way it always was – within the span of a day. no wonder he's finding it a little hard to move on.

---

(addendum: there's a great piece of fanfiction called "Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach" that deals exactly with that trauma, in which crowley goes to see a therapist. incredible character study and brilliant writing.)

[frozenjokes]

Something Somber, But I Hope At Least I Can Do My Best To Help You

there are guns in this fic, this is the warning for that. she’s (the fic) is a tad angsty

“I’m going to kill you now.”

Grian stood in the shallow water, holding some sort of human device in his hands. He was alone today, but it was possible Scar was just recovering from his injuries at home. That would make sense. However, Mumbo did find it a little odd that Grian hadn’t brought much of his stuff, the bag left in the grass looking deflated in comparison to how full it usually was. Grian wasn’t moving very much, very stiff as he pointed whatever he was holding at Mumbo’s face. He looked.. a little upset? It didn’t really look like he wanted Mumbo to have it, he was holding it so tightly, but Mumbo was getting a little confused about what exactly the purpose of this was.

Mumbo leaned a little closer to sniff, but Grian winced, taking a couple steps back. Well. Guess that answers that. Mumbo’s fins rose and fell on his back and head, twitching with annoyance. Why did Grian call him over if all he wanted to do was stare?

“What,” Mumbo said, hoping Grian would at least try to explain whatever it was he was holding and why he wanted to show it off, but Grian remained stiff, lips pursed.

“You don’t get it. You don’t- I’m going to kill you, and you don’t understand. Do something. Get mad or hiss at me or lunge or something. Defend yourself.”

Ah, so he was upset. If he was trying to communicate why, he wasn’t doing a very good job. Mumbo wasn’t even sure if this was about Scar; he didn’t think so, Grian never said Scar’s name, but he wasn’t sure what else. Wait, could he still be mad about the whole bag stealing thing? That was so long ago! If that was the case, that was sufficiently a Grian problem, learn to let go of a grudge, buddy.

“What,” Mumbo asked again, hoping Grian would do a better job at explaining himself.

Grian huffed as if his own inability to be clear was Mumbo’s fault, “This is a gun. Gun,” Grian moved the device a little in his hands, but didn’t hold it any less tightly, “I am going to shoot you with it. I am going to kill you.”

Mumbo stared blankly. Alright, the thing he was holding was a ‘gun.’ Great. Was he going to show him what it did, or were they just going to sit here for another twenty minutes. Mumbo didn’t mean to be so impatient, but honestly, Grian was being stupid and Mumbo’s tail was still in quite a lot of pain, worse in the shallows.

“I can’t- you don’t get it. And you know, it’s nothing against you. It’s not. Well..” Grian paused, thinking, then shook his head, “No, it’s nothing against you, even if you stole all my shit and fucked up my ankle- I might have a limp for the rest of my life, y’know! I probably won’t. But I might! You tore through all sorts of important shit in there.”

Mumbo wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be understanding what Grian was saying, but the human didn’t look like it planned on stopping, so Mumbo let it be. Still, he kept a slightly warier eye.

“And I’m not sorry, by the way. About your tail. You deserved that as far as I’m concerned, stealing my stuff then trying to sing me into the water after I was injured- I know your game. That’s what you guys do. You kill people. At best you’re like- like a public nuisance. But you’re dangerous, I know you’re dangerous and I..” Grian trailed off, looking away, “I’m just afraid Scar doesn’t know.”

Ah. There it was. So this was about Scar.. oh, Mumbo hoped he was okay. Scar hadn’t looked like he was hurt too badly, but then again, anything could have happened. The bite could have gotten infected or was deeper than Mumbo had thought, or any other number of things. Given how upset Grian seemed to be, something must have happened.

“Scar doesn’t have a very strong sense of self preservation, he never has, and it drives just about everyone in his life up a wall. I don’t know why or what’s wrong with him or if he’s got some sort of mental health issue he isn’t addressing, but it’s always been this way and- and he just gets so focused. Like he gets an idea in his head and he literally can’t think of anything but pursuing it. And when I say literally, I mean it. He doesn’t think about anything else! I don’t even know if he can! You would not believe how much he talks about you, it’s all ‘Mumbo Mumbo Mumbo! Mumbo this, Mumbo that,’ and because we have to keep you a secret, all of this goes to me and-” Grian cut himself off, taking a second to breath.

“It’s not that I care. Scar can talk my ear off all he wants about anything he wants. Sure, it can be a little much and I get frustrated with him from time to time, but at the end of the day, he picked me, y’know? There’s a guy that can talk his way into anything he wants, who can make friends with basically anyone, and he still.. he wants to talk to me. And that’s a special thing, y’know? Scar is a special kind of guy. And it just kills me when he tries to throw his life away!” Grian kicked up sand and water as his voice rose through gritted teeth, and Mumbo jumped back, startled, though he immediately regretted the motion, hissing in a soft whine at the pain that pulsed through his tail. Grian stared at him for a long while, still pointing his ‘gun,’ but his shoulders fell.

“He’s going to be mad at me. For killing you. Doesn’t matter how many times I said I was going to or how many times I told him he couldn’t interfere if I let him come and see you. He’s going to feel bad, then I’m probably going to feel bad, and we’ll probably both feel very bad for a while, but it’ll be fine because Scar will be alive. That’s what matters, in the end. Not mermaids, not money- well, actually I won’t go that far. I’m going to sell the shit out of your body and I’ll probably be very well off for the rest of my life. I think I’m allowed to want that too! I think that’s fair.”

“And I’ll have you know, Scar’s not innocent either, he still wants you in his zoo even if he doesn’t talk about it around here anymore. As if you’d even understand. I’m telling you to your face I’m going to kill you and sell all your body parts and you couldn’t give less of a fuck. It’s impressive almost, how neutral your face is right now. You look a bit like one of those dogs from those kennel ads? All of them looking all sad with the sad music trying to make you feel sad so you go out and adopt. That’s how you look all the time. It’s the eyes. All big and dark like that. Ugh.”

Mumbo wasn’t sure what to do. Clearly this human was in some kind of distress, but the more it talked, the more he was sure he had no clue what was actually going on. Had it come looking for some sort of comfort? Why Mumbo? Out of everyone Grian knew, surely Mumbo was the least qualified by far.

Did.. he know anyone else? Humans were social animals, Mumbo knew this, but mermaids were too, and even despite this, some had trouble fitting in. Mumbo had never seen another human other than Scar hang around with Grian.. maybe while Scar was healing and resting, he just didn’t have anyone else to go to.

Well, Mumbo knew a few things about humans. They liked to talk (loudly) and yell at each other (loudly) and call each other’s names and be obnoxious to each other for fun. Though, given Mumbo did not speak human, this seemed out of the question in terms of things he could do to help.

Humans.. liked touch. Mumbo was pretty sure of that, no matter how foreign it always seemed. Scar was always touching Grian affectionately, and despite the latter never looking all too thrilled, he never really reacted negatively either, sometimes even visibly relaxing. Is.. that what Grian was looking for?

Mumbo steeled himself, less for the pain of maneuvering in shallow water and more for reaching out his hand toward the human ahead. Sure, maybe they’d had a rocky start, but Grian was clearly in distress. If Mumbo could show him that he cared, maybe Grian would understand he meant to be friendly? Even still, he found his head and body cringing back in anticipation of The Touch, though he kept his arm extended, one eye still watching anxiously.

Grian looked.. well, honestly, Mumbo couldn’t tell if he was any more or less distressed than before, but it felt a little bit different than before?

“What.” Grian said, looking rapidly from his gun to Mumbo to Mumbo’s hand, eyebrows pinched, “What is this. What are you doing.”

Ah, yeah, that made sense. This was pretty radically different behavior for Mumbo; if he was on the other side of it, he’d be wary too. Though, he didn’t quite have the words to explain himself. For a moment Mumbo considered singing, something soft and somber so Grian might understand his intentions, but given how the human reacted last time he sang.. no, that would be a bad idea.

‘Red,’ he whistled instead, “Grian.” Mumbo’s gills flared gently, frustrated. Why was this so hard. Maybe Grian was put off by how uncomfortable Mumbo looked.. maybe looking a little less like touching Grian was one of the top ten worst things that could possible happen to him would be a start.

Mumbo strained to get a little closer despite the pain, holding out both of his arms instead of just the one, palms up. He managed to open both of his eyes, though they were still pretty narrowed in the bracing anticipation of something unpleasant. He even tried to face Grian completely instead of shying away, though he couldn’t quite force himself to manage that entirely. Grian’s mouth hung open, like breathing that way might give him more information on what exactly was happening here. Unfortunately, intention was not something humans could smell.

Grian slowly, slowly lowered his gun, not letting go, but not holding so tightly either, leaving it in one hand at his side. His arms were shaking- actually, mostly of him was shaking.. Mumbo wasn’t quite sure what that meant. Likely a symptom of human distress; it didn’t seem voluntary, quite unlike the quivering of mermaid fins when they were very angry.

Mumbo snapped back to reality when Grian moved, taking a slow step forward. Then another. Then another.

‘It’s okay. This is okay. I’m sorry about Scars, and I’m sorry you’re worried. I think you’re worried. That human seems like it’s survived quite a few injuries though, I think it’ll be okay. I thought you were going to hurt each other, and even now, I’m not entirely sure you weren’t. Mermaids have thick skin. You do not. Humans are too fragile, you can’t be fighting each other like that.’

“You’ve been watching us, haven’t you. I mean, of course you have, but this is.. I guess you’ve really been paying attention. Is that what we sound like to you, just all sorts of nothing speech all day? I bet that gets annoying. I’ve never heard you talk this much. I guess your language is also pretty complex. It must be, unless you’re just repeating the same few concepts. It’s hard to tell. Are you really that intelligent? Wow, if you knew what I just said you’d probably be offended. But I just- I mean you’re just a big fish, yeah? It would be crazy to just assume you had comparable intelligence just because you kinda look like a person. But that’s what Scar thinks of course.”

‘I have no idea what you’re saying, but I’m pretty sure this is how human conversation works. You take turns talking for long periods of time and stare very uncomfortably at each other’s faces. This is a foreign concept to me, Red. Humans are extremely weird.’

“It’s funny how when you’re saying one of our names the clicking stops. Did you do that just for us? So we’d be able to say them? I just assumed some mermaid words didn’t have clicks, but you don’t stop. You don’t stop at all actually, it doesn’t even look like you breathe.���

‘Is this the appropriate time to speak. You humans don’t pause for very long before another one starts talking. My arms are getting tired, are you going to touch them and feel better or not.’

Mumbo almost thought Grian understood, because at nearly the same time Mumbo spoke, it moved forward another step, far closer than what was comfortable, though, to be fair, this entire experience was uncomfortable. Couldn’t Grian just reach out and touch Mumbo’s hands from as far away as possible? What was the point of getting this close?

“You look. Uncomfortable.” Grian cringed back, demonstrating the word and gesturing vaguely to Mumbo before his neutral expression returned. “Uncomfortable.”

Uncomfortable! How did he know? Mumbo had gone through so much effort to look friendly and inviting, he hadn’t even bared his teeth once! Mumbo took a moment to inspect himself, a few quick embarrassed clicks escaping his throat when he saw every single one of his fins across his back flared out and on end. Even the big one at the end of his tail was all spiky and sticking out of the water, goodness. Mumbo forced them all down at once, re-presenting his arms.

Grian laughed, which Mumbo was 90% sure was a happy sound, and then relaxed a little more, waving his hands in a ‘no’ gesture.

“I’m not going to touch you if you don’t want me to, Mumbo. I’m not- Do you just think that’s a human thing? Lots of animals enjoy physical contact y’know, we actually domesticated a ton of animals for the sole purpose of petting them. I have to think you guys also enjoy it, at least with each other. You’re just flighty with humans, and I’m guessing lots of other stuff in the water. Do mermaids get eaten a lot? I can not imagine that being an issue. You’re huge.”

Grian backed up a little, but not out of fear. Just.. stepping away. Mumbo dropped his arms, somewhat relieved, but a tiny part of him was also a little annoyed. Clearly there was something magic about human touch, and Mumbo was kinda starting to want to know what the fuss was about. But Grian kept its distance now, and Mumbo didn’t think he would be able to convince it to approach him again. Shame. Though, admittedly, it was nice to not have his personal bubble be so thoroughly invaded.

“Hey,” Grian said, grabbing Mumbo’s attention back, “This isn’t- I’m still going to kill you. I’m going to.” It raised its gun half heartedly, but stopped, dropping it with a huff and a little stomp of its foot. “If you hurt him. Scar. Again. If you even touch him I’m going to- I won’t hesitate. If you kill him I’m going to- I’ll be really upset. So don’t. Do that. Clear? Are we clear?”

Mumbo stared. Grian stared back.

“Are we clear? Yes or no.”

“What,” Mumbo said, deeply confused, but Grian only huffed. Mumbo flicked his tail fins with a short hiss, ‘I don’t speak your dumb language, if you want me to understand then tell me clearly.’

“Don’t sass me.”

‘I don’t like your tone.’

“Shush!” Grian drew a finger over his mouth and Mumbo copied the gesture, flicking his fins. Grian threw up his hands like he’d been mortally offended, turning immediately on his heel. Humans. So dramatic. Internally, Mumbo noted the gesture for later as something to use when the humans were being particularly annoying.

“Whatever!” Grian declared, not looking at Mumbo as he spoke, “I’m leaving!” He marched away out of the water, stomping and splashing as he left in what Mumbo was sure was a conscious effort to be as obnoxious as possible. Amused, he began his careful backpedal into deeper water, sighing contentedly. After a minute, Grian seemed to be quite offended when he looked back to see Mumbo also leaving, yelling and calling out and being a total nuisance, but Mumbo ignored him, relieved to be out of the shallows.

Scar was all kinds of odd, but Grian felt like a different beast sometimes. Scar was predictable in his weirdness, completely baffling, but consistent. Grian felt like he reacted differently to the same exact situation every time, the one exception being when he felt he was in danger, in which he would just scream. Loudly. Shrilly. Only sometimes justified.

Maybe it would just take a little more time.

Scar was easy; easy to impress, easy to speak to, and easy to watch- Mumbo would say Scar was easy to be around, but that wasn’t quite the case with his chronic lack of environmental awareness, always swinging his arms and moving erratically. But at this point Mumbo was used to it. In a way, that erraticness was predictable too; Mumbo knew to keep a little more space between the two of them because of it. But Scar was an open book, and Grian clearly wasn’t.

He was guarded like Mumbo was, and that was a good thing. Scar’s carelessness was written all over his body, and Grian had his moments of impulsive stupidity, but Mumbo didn’t worry for his life like he did for Scar’s. Briefly, he wondered if Grian worried about Scar as well.

[kaitosduckmania]

Oh wow it's the 7th year of the Ducktales reboot

(if you don't like to hear my personal feelings and thoughts on this, this is a positive vent post so maybe move along, its not that important xd)

I don't have alot of special things to do on this event like most people in tumblr I know, but I can at least provide some special words.

I've went into this show for the first time months ago, completely enamored with everything just as usual with any TVA shows I watch. Check some fancontent, check some art, enjoy some videos on the subject. Holy fuck I didn't expect to make this show my whole entire personality. And how many moments just hit the hardest than any other show. I think what furthered it was how desperate I was to talk about this show to anyone, no one watched it around my circles, it felt like a special niche that I like that I had to keep hidden away from people except my brother, who watched along with me and whatnot. The moment I've found right communities that showed so much love for both the show and the countless materials related with the show gives me something to constantly learn, to give me something new, and the interactions and attention I've been given for being this passionate about a cartoon reboot of an 80s show I originally never cared about. and probably still would never get into no matter how hard I try, sorry duck fans T-T What definitely made this show so special to me now is that how this is helping to create and go through new avenues of expression. I post myself drawing stuff, and even wrote fanfics. So many of you guys gave me the support and just... honestly. It was a time that I did need that attention and many of my friends seem to notice my renewed positivity. Something to compare it to would not be a Ducktales example, but from a different DTVA show, The Owl House. I had a renewed Luz Noceda moment when she read The Good Witch Azura and she suddenly had something to cope from the loss of her father.

I'm not grieving but I am depressed and constantly face insecurities and vulnerabilities in my mental state that I couldn't stop. I have the feeling that the show kinda... saved me in a way, I felt like I changed, had a renewed passion to create, and have a medium to express myself with the form of Disney created ducks and all that.

I find myself to think that I'm way too annoying about it to my other friends, but what can I say it's just something that's given me another life again. (The first time being a nerd for music) Thanks to the show, I'm sure I could do something for next year... or even better if it hits the decade mark :3 (God i'll be graduating college by then.)

[cordycepsfem]

I'm sure I've mentioned it here once or twice, but I have a special hardness in my heart for "queer" groups that turn into beg-fests. I didn't join a networking group to see people with their hands out begging for money or supplies - sorry, "mutual aid" (that usually only goes one way).

I also have a certain hardness in my heart for people who are homeless or who have chosen to live in less-than-conventional ways but keep animals with them. That is absolutely unfair for an animal. There are resources for homeless people - are they great? Not always, and many of them have stringent requirements that make little sense, and we could always do better; big cities tend to have better resources, etc. - but I know that accommodating people with pets is definitely less possible than accommodating just people.

I understand that people love their pets and are willing to go to what I sometimes consider wildly bizarre levels to keep them, but if you are subjecting your animal to sleeping in the cold with you, to having less-than-enough food, you are a dick. Your pet deserves better. They did not choose you as an owner, they did not ask to be in those situations. They need to be housed, fed, and receive veterinary care. If you cannot do those things, it's time for the animal to live elsewhere.

I give you all of this backstory because one of the first posts to pop up for me on the book of faces was this

Okay, so, FTM individual who somehow can't get their Venmo name changed... had an extremely expensive sleeping bag (approximately $1000 worth of one) that they just... let get moldy. At that rate they should just head over to the thrift store, where they can get one for like $10... oh, but wait...

I can't risk it with used items. I can only take cash. And you should give me the cash in my preferred way so you can give me MORE.

"If you can't give me money, reminding me that I matter is also great!"

WTF. Why is it everyone else's responsibility to tell "queer" people that they matter, that they're valid, that everything isn't their fault, that it's cool that they always have their hand out for money.

And of course the cherry on top:

"Don't suggest anything that might be helpful! Money or nothing!"

I don't know why this bothers me so much, this money-grubbing... just that in every other community I'm a part of, minority groups especially, there's not this blanket carte blanche to wield one's individual identity for money at the slightest provocation. Parents mean? Help my "survival fund" so I can leave home and have a total mastectomy. School hard? Help me stage a protest so I can bring my ESA ferret to the dorm. Wind blow the wrong way? I need snacks and pronoun pins! Oh, and I'm greypansexual demigender sparkleboy with AuDHD and I only like to kiss on Tuesdays (damp/damper pronouns).

I'm a gender-free lesbian woman with actually diagnosed autism, a pantheon of mental illnesses, one very rare neurological condition, and a brand new autoimmune disorder that's been making my life hell. My sister's disabled, my college didn't give me any financial aid this term, and I can't afford a parking pass. Most of my friends live 900 miles away, I can't see my girlfriend as often as I'd like, and the library keeps sending me oppressive emails with titles like "Hey, it's time to return that book that you keep saying you're going to finish but are ignoring in favor of watching TV."

... wait, maybe this is easier.

[afniel]

Hey so this came up talking to my buddies who are in charge of hiring at their workplace yesterday, and I know taking Advice About Employment from someone who hasn't been employed in mumble mumble years is on its face a little stupid-sounding, but if you're at the interview stage and you've heard that you should ask questions but you're not sure what and also you're sure you're going to be nervous:

Interview the interviewer.

Seriously. The more you can shift your mindset from, "oh gods if I can't get this paycheck I don't know what I'll do," to, "I might not even want this job, but I'm going to interview this person and find out if it's right for me," the better. And obviously you still do need the paycheck and you might still take a job you don't want, but your confidence in the interview will skyrocket if you can pull this mental switch on yourself.

Take notes throughout. No, really, bring paper or a notebook and something nice to write with, and jot things down. If they raise an eyebrow (they shouldn't!) just tell them you're making notes on what you want to double back and ask them about. This shows you're an engaged listener and also polite enough to not interrupt, but firm enough to not let questions slide entirely.

When you get to the end and they ask you if you have any questions, this is where you ask them about workplace culture and their own job and performance. What's it like working there? How is onboarding handled? How is communication handled? If it's a shift job, what's the procedure for finding coverage? Is there room to advance? Do they promote from within? Most of the questions they ask you about past jobs are fair game for you to ask them about their current job too, like: What challenges do they face at work? Daily? Monthly? Long-term? What do they enjoy about the workplace? What would they change about it? Depending on the type of work you can ask them about what kinds of projects, cases, clients, etc. are typical and have they had any atypical ones, and how were those handled?

Seriously, the more you ask from the point of view that the interview is a fully equitable, two-way process, the better. Obviously in many ways it's not, but again, this isn't about the reality, this is about Performing Confidence. They want to see if you're a good fit for them, and vice versa, you want to see if they're a good fit for you.

Again, yes, I haven't been employed for...timespan that I'd actually have to do math on. Despite being an introverted weirdo with a not very impressive CV, though, the last time I had a job, I beat 250+ applicants for a job that I had no real prior experience in, mainly on the strength of my interview, which I basically treated like a fun little jaunt up to San Francisco to see if this was a place that I felt like working. Not in a flippant way, but still. I don't remember being stressed at all. I mostly remember getting lunch afterwards and it was soup in a sourdough bread bowl. Did I have nerves? Eh! Probably! Dunno! I mostly had broccoli cheddar soup and a job offer after a few more days.

Like yes there's no magical way to guarantee success at any given interview, but I have a surprising number of friends who handle interviewing and hiring and they are always praying for people who can do this in an interview. This is as close to a silver bullet as you can get. Being engaged and asking questions is THEE ONE THING they most want in interviewees but they very rarely get it.

So yeah fake it 'til you make it, but fake it in a very specific way where actually you're interviewing them to see if their job offer would be a good fit for you, not the other way around. You can, in fact, say, "I don't think this place will be a good fit for me at this moment, but thank you so much for your time." Yeah, you probably won't, but the point is that it's a real option and remembering that is empowering. Shift the focus of power in the process, even if it's just in your own mind, because I guarantee it's not just in your own mind if you can do it.

[doberbutts]

Re: willingness to discuss male privilege. Same hat as a trans woman, but coming from the opposite direction. I acknowledge that being raised as a boy impacted me and gave me some amount of privilege (along with some sexist thought patterns that I'm still trying to move beyond). The problem isn't merely admitting that, but rather assuming that it disqualifies me from womanhood. Likewise the problem isn't in admitting that trans men face misogyny before (and after!) transition, it's in assuming that that experience disqualifies trans men from manhood.

Oh yeah, absolutely. For a long time I've thought that the appropriate reaction to "well you were [sex] socialized and recieve [sex] privilege!!!" is... "yeah, and?" People have different experiences sometimes. Doesn't make you not a man or not a woman.

I have an internet friend- a trans woman- who looks *identical* to a cis woman I used to go to church with. Like, I knew this cis woman had a brother while I was still hanging out in person with her and they look so alike that at some point I had to be like "hey weird question are you related to [cis friend] because you literally look just like her". I swear if I photoshopped them into a photo together you would not be able to tell which one's amab and which one's afab. I sent her a photo of my cis friend to prove it and she was like "WTF Jaz how did you make friends with my doppleganger before you even knew me"

Anyway. This trans woman friend of mine is generally fairly willing to discuss how, prior to transition, she DID receive benefits of being read as male and she DID see how cis women were treated poorly in comparison to her, because it hooks into how it made her very afraid of coming out, because she knew there was a certain safety in the closet that she could not yet give up. She did eventually come out. She also got kicked out of her family pretty much immediately, moved across the country, and now lives with her wife who she loves very much. And in telling her story she's very willing to discuss how much she lost when she chose transition over suicide, and the mental peace she gained in transition.

But she's afraid to discuss it openly, because many times terfs and radfems use it as ammo against her, saying that it's proof of her "male socialization" and thus she could never be a "real woman". And so she doesn't, and she only talks about it in private conversation, because she's tired of her past being used as a weapon against her.

Similarly, as a trans man, I'm more than willing to discuss when I notice that things are going better for me due to being read as a man. I'm more than willing to say that I am the receiver of some highly conditional male privilege. But instead of listening to the rest of the conversation- how misogyny affects my life and also how being read as male is NOT safe for me due to my race- many people stop listening at the "yes sometimes it benefits me to be read as male in a specific interaction" and use that as a weapon to silence me or others when they try to tell their stories.

It all sucks!!! We should be able to talk about our lives without fearing who will use our words against us. And the fact that we can't is a symptom of the larger problem of transphobia still baked in to not only society but our own communities.

[kkoct-ik]

kottik i think ive already said it before but i SO so appreciate your perspective and attention to detail with dissociative stuff. trying to wade through scattered info on the internet for reliable resources feels like an impossible task sometimes lol so having the DID writing guide + your alter worksheet definitely helps a lot! 

feedback on the guide itself: i loved it!!! the only parts i didn’t personally find relatable were the parts discussing later stages of healing/recovery (since im not quite there yet) and some of the functional neurological symptoms, but everything else felt like it was describing my own journey and experiences with DID perfectly. i also really appreciated the section on amnesia and different types of dissociation, plus the lesser known symptoms, since a lot of the time i see conflicting and confusing info on that + i feel like a lot of writers who try to write DID and describe how amnesia feels miss out on that stuff and just skim webmd or something for their info. and honestly even in online And offline discussions of DID ive seen other people try to describe how it really works and feels and its… not always described well lmao . but that’s a whole other can of worms etc

i think, though it’s just a writing resource, it was also very affirming to see it all laid out like that. like Oh shit yeah i do all of that. that’s my life on the page!!! the whole time i read it i was like ‘i knew this stuff already, but i never knew how to explain it properly.’ and it’s definitely the kind of thing i wish id been able to see when i first started noticing my symptoms. many years of misinfo and confusion have messed w my perception of myself n my disorder for a long time so it feels like a breath of fresh air to see someone else pushing against that and actually doing their research to try and clear things up. not to mention how clear your descriptions are + how easy it is to comprehend your explanations, while still being concise and to the point. so great work!!! 5 star rating, will definitely be recommending it to others :3 hope to see more from you + hope that it helps others write cool stuff!

i missed this ask!!!! sorry for missing this yesterday

thank you!!!!!! mwa mwa mwa. im so glad. so happy yaaaay

yeah, i definitely relate with the struggling to articulate experiences, being muddled by things online, and feeling like other people really dont quite get it when trying to represent whats going on. it makes me happy i can help with that!!

i feel like i'm in a good place that i've read a Lot of DID & CPTSD lit and i've been stabilising in treatment (processing some stuff, working on myself, getting a better understanding of therapy practice). i think it's given me a lot of perspective on my disorder that i wouldn't really have otherwise, and that a lot of people might not have either.

cuz yeah. i think trying to understand DID on the internet is a monumentously difficult task. on one hand, you have personal accounts from people with DID, and on the other, you have doctors and generic websites. both don't quite give a full or reliable picture.

if you try to understand DID by listening to individuals, you're vulnerable to being incredibly confused and misled. and most of the time it's not intentional - it's hard to communicate what your symptoms are when you think half of it is normal and the other half is conflicted and fragmented - but it can give others very strange ideas about what the condition operates like at large.

it might also seem respectful to take everything we say at face value, but that ends up meaning that our flawed / misguided perceptions of ourselves and our symptoms become solidified as fact. we are mentally ill, we are not necessarily educated, and are a patient base prone to daydreaming and suggestion. we can get things wrong, and we can emphasise the wrong things.

when people take our unreliable accounts as fact (vivid recounts of psuedomemories, venting about feeling like seperate people, or expressing any number of mistaken symptoms), our experiences can start to sound like fantasy. suddenly DID sounds like a disorder you could not fathom having or ever truly understand, rather than a disorder that is simply inherently confusing to live with.

on the other hand, if you try to understand DID soley through medical accounts and websites, you will only ever hear about reported symptoms, the most extreme & notable case studies, patient observations, and generic criteria, leaving a Lot to fill in the gaps, and leading to other kinds of inaccuracies.

(for my health i'm not even going to try to touch on hollywood and online influencers that sensationalise the condition for clicks and thus dominate the algorithm. but obviously they are a factor too. pop culture is a powerful thing.)

the internet is a mess! and while not everything that is misleading is untrue, it can be very easy to just, not quite get it, or misunderstand things fundamentally, in any number of ways.

so yeah, it makes me happy that between my life experience, therapy, and obnoxious amount of pages read, i can actually make what goes on somewhat digestible. i'm contextualising medical criteria, pulling out relevant quotes, and pointing people to some really good resources.

it's not to say i'm a spokesperson or expert. i am very much just a huge nerd who happens to suffer from a disorder and is very invested in understanding myself. but the positive feedback does reassure me that i haven't gotten anything heinously wrong.

ty again :)) yaayy

[outplacedwriter]

things I think frozen does very well that were forgotten by the anti-hype crowd

It is a natural occurrence that the breakthrough of a piece of media will eventually end up in its own anti-hype crowd culture. We have reached a point, long ago, in which saying that Frozen is bad or that Anna and Elsa aren't as great as the hype says became a sign of...

✨ status, intelligence, not-like-other-girls revolutionary warrior ✨

It's impossible to say "Frozen" anywhere without someone popping out of thin air to preach how they don't like it and how flawed and annoying and how X is better, because reasons.

But after Frozen II, this crowd became louder. I just can't find a single video on YT about Frozen that is not about someone dashing or overly criticizing the movie and its characters because it's cool, and different, and oh-so-clever to be one of the superior ones who weren't caught on this Disney trap.

Yet I feel like the hype made people forget *why* the world was so impacted by this story in the first place. I have my own whys, and some popular whys, here is a list of a few of them that I care to discuss.

Sympathetic Neurodivergent Character. In all fairness, Elsa might still be seen as a villain by some people -- usually because of their inability to understand nuance, analyze a text, or just self-righteous ignorance. But it is very obvious in the movie that the whole narrative and the artistic choices try to paint Elsa's struggle and personality in a positive, or at least in an understanding light. She's not the monster who people fear, who she fears, and who another story would make to be a villain. She's a traumatized child dealing with a burden too great for anyone. Let's remember that back in 2013 the talk about mental health wasn't as nearly as spread as it is today, and having a queer-coded, canonically neurodivergent Disney PrincessTM was unthinkable. Dare I say, Elsa's significance and symbology were completely green-lit by accident. Maybe the artistic force behind it was aware of that, but Disney Corporation just wanted the cute girls to sell dolls and hopefully pay itself. This is a win for the mental disable community and for the queer community that is forgotten and downplayed everywhere. After all, we are woke now!

Complex and Shattered Sibling Relationship Getting Healed. I swear to heavens if I have to hear anyone else compare these two to Lilo and Nani, and try to force them against each other like it's some kind of necessary comparison I will-... Anna and Elsa are sisters who love and care about each other. But they are in a very specific context in which their relationship is broken. This exact premise is what makes the movie excels. It was original -- as far as originally is possible or real. And such a breath of fresh air. The premise of this conflict in which the problem did not have an easy solution, was enough for a very compelling tale. It's so beautiful and wholesome to watch these young women struggle and find healing. Their undying affection and genuine love for each other make us hope so hard that they can finally find peace. I won't even touch on the matter that sibling relationships are complex and nuanced and how Frozen showing that to kids might help them to mend their own conflicts because it goes without saying. Just in the matter of narrative alone, this is a story that had to be told and should be praised again.

The Soundtrack Slapped Everyone In The Face Repeatedly. The song is good. The Broadway vibe is delicious. It's a fact.