#part of me really does want to just restart that system I was making

[king-direwolf]

You wanna know the worst thing? (Obviously not actually the worst thing, but work with me here)

Healing.

The process of healing and realizing what needed to be healed.

Warning: Long rant ahead. Just need to vent into the void for a bit.

There was a person in the tabletop space that I was very invested in beginning about 7-8 years ago. I watched all the stuff they were the DM/GM for. I watched their DM advice videos. I had questions answered in their DM advice videos. I loved watching them play video games as well, because of what they brought in commentary wise. I took so much inspiration from them.

Then 2 years ago (I can't believe its only been 2 years) they fucked up. And they called it "a mistake". It was a mistake, but calling it that makes it feel like it had less impact than it did. This "mistake" made it so he was kicked out of the tabletop community for good. I hate how much I still FEEL about this. What happened was not something that personally affected me. But the knowledge that HE did it hurt. He was a big on constent with your players and with people in general. It was something he talked about practically weekly. And then in one of the shows he was a DM for he just...all of a sudden didn't think about that. Half of his fanbase still sticks by him, despite only now posting his photography on instagram. And the other half, including me, went "fuck your apologies, they're bullshit".

He was one of the people who inspired me to do so much of what I was doing at the time.

The main thing he inspired me to do, and the reason I'm making this post, was to make an TTRPG. I realized earlier tonight that it's now just over 2 years since that happened...and I realized that I lost so much of my motivation when that happened. And I double checked my google drive. And yeah. The last time I actively worked on the game I was making was just before that happened. I picked it up again last week. And I felt something. I still wanted to work on it, but once I started looking at it I just...felt defeated. I poured so much of my heart into what I was making, and at that point in my life it was all because of him. He inspired me. I looked up to him.

It was the first time someone I looked up to did something bad. And it keeps happening. I keep telling myself not to look up to anymore people, because obviously they're always going to end up being shitty. But I can't stop myself from looking up to people. I don't "idolize" as much as I used to.

Part of me wants to finish that project. Keep doing what I was doing. But also...part of me wants to scrap the whole thing and start over. No matter what it feels like my thoughts and ideas are...tainted by him.

I also got interested in photography because of him. And 2 years ago I lost that motivation too. God I want to reclaim that motivation as a "fuck you". Just for myself. These are things I love. Were things I loved. And they still make me think about that asshole. And thinking about him makes me feel physically disgust.

I don't know what to do anymore. Because I've realized that that's why I fucking lost motivation for stuff (besides the ADHD and depression). Which I think that realization is because of how the emotional healing process works. I don't know if that's accurate or not, but that's what it feels like and I don't know what to do with that.

By all means, if anyone has some legitimate advice please share it, because I'm sick of all of this.

[plazmafields]

Oh boy you better get your asses ready because I just beat the game again on 2.1+ and I think it actually has interesting implications for Kerry’s romance. SPOILERS FOR THE SUN ENDING SPECIFICALLY!

Like many other players, I got the Sun ending the first time I played, and (other than when I’m roleplaying a new type of character) it’s the ending I always go for and consider canon for my main oc Vesper. Over on the subreddit(s), people seem to view this ending as definitely 100% implying that V finds a cure and lives to see old age. While of course I would love my character to live a long and happy life, I don’t think that’s the case. V free floats off into space toward a several trillion dollar heavily guarded spacecraft filled with the most elite of the elite. That job was a suicide mission, and I interpreted this ending as V going out with a bang so they could finally, actually become a real Night City legend.

I believe Kerry knows this. When he calls you during the credits, Kerry asks you in a casual tone to buy some olives on your way back, then his voice gets soft and he goes, “Actually, you know what, forget it. I’ll buy them myself.” He does this backtracking in conversation several times during his romance, and I always read it as him being uncomfortable talking about his feelings. He stops himself from apologizing to V during A Like Supreme: Kerry gives V the gun he tried to shoot Johnny with, V reminding him that he was actually aiming the gun at V’s head. Kerry says “yeah…” in an apologetic tone and then starts saying “And earlier when–” then stops himself and says “nevermind.” Kerry also does this during Boat Drinks. He starts by saying “You shake things up, V. Make me feel…” trails off for a second, then stutters before saying “uh, I mean.” It sounds like he has a habit of stopping himself when he starts to feel he’s being too vulnerable.

Now, during the Sun epilogue, Kerry doesn’t hesitate when he tell’s V “I don’t want to lose you.” This would normally be a very vulnerable thing to say, and Kerry’s shown that he always backtracks in moments such as these. He even goes so far as to repeat it and make direct eye contact as he says it again. This makes it seem like maybe he’s done some emotional growing and is now more comfortable talking about his feelings, specifically with V. So, if that were the case, why does he restart the habit of backtracking in the credits call? He doesn’t backtrack during the emotional part, when he tells V he wants them to spend more time together and try to be less busy for one another. He only corrects himself when he talks about V coming back. Because he knows V isn't coming back. Even before that, right before V gets on the flying Delamain to head to the Afterlife, he says “Take care of yourself.” to Kerry, which feels very final, like he doesn’t think he’ll see Kerry again.

With all the other romances, saying goodbye in the mansion makes perfect sense. Panam is leaving with the Aldecaldos, Judy is leaving Night City for good, and River expresses that he feels their relationship doesn't feel equal. The conversation V has with Kerry feels very much like any of their other conversations throughout the game: Kerry talks about his stuff, then once he’s gotten it out of his system, asks how V is doing. But with some notable, very subtle changes.

Kerry is always excited to talk about himself, and rarely asks much about V unless he’s making sure V isn’t already dead. The text that actually sparked me wanting to put these thoughts to paper is the one where Kerry takes a personality quiz and it labels him as a narcissist. He’s self absorbed, sure, but he doesn't have the psychiatric disorder Narcissism as far as I’m convinced. Whichever reply you send, his responses are pretty funny. However, getting that text reminded me that the first time I played Cyberpunk I really wasn’t all that into Kerry as a character, and definitely not as a romance option.

So, the conversation you have in V’s mansion in the Sun ending is actually much more V focused than previous interactions with Kerry. When Kerry asks if you’re alright, even if you say everything’s fine, he still insists that he’s there for V and willing to talk, cuddle, fuck, whatever V needs. This is in stark contrast to when you call Kerry on the rooftop before picking your ending. During that call, he definitely notices something is off with V and asks if he’s ok, but doesn’t press any further when V says he’s fine. His dialog in the Sun ending is strangely caring for Kerry, who otherwise always seemed like V was more of a convenient side-piece with whom he shared a mutual friend. Obviously, as I’ve played the game more and considered Kerry’s quests and dialog options from different angles, I really like him as a character and see much more of his depth than I did on my first playthrough.

Now here’s why playing the game on version 2.1+ is important: 2.1 added dates with your romance options to the game (the “I really want to stay at your house” repeatable quest). If you were to consider the new texts, dialog, and gift responses from the perspective of any of the other endings, Kerry’s replies sound somewhat out of character. The phrasing, the word choice, the tone is all Kerry, but the sentiment is decidedly not so. “I really like you, V. Thought I should remind you.” after the first time he goes over to V’s. His response to getting the flowers or car, he’s almost too complimentary; I feel like Kerry would mention everything wrong with the gift first, then admit that he actually likes it, but still find a way to show his appreciation without saying the words “thank you, V.”

However, if you put everything added in 2.1 into the context of the Sun ending, it starts to feel like Kerry is growing as a person. That’s what his whole quest string was about, sure, but you don’t see him put any of those personal changes into practice after Boat Drinks (mostly because all the romance options just stop leaving their houses once you reach the end of their questlines). So the sweet, appreciative texts after dates and gifts, leading into the way he’s much more focused on V and their relationship during the Sun ending, It actually feels like a natural growth for his character. It’s like the dates, the gifts, the cute little replies, are all the beginning stages of him becoming a much more attentive partner in the Sun ending. Kerry even says himself, before V gets on the Delamain, that their relationship has changed his outlook on life and helped him reprioritize things. The 2.1 additions actually make it feel like we watched that journey begin for him, instead of it just being told to us after a time skip.

[halfusek]

Memory Joey’s Intangibleness

Sooooo I think it’s probably just one of those things that the developers didn’t think too much about but it’s been driving me up the fricking wall

If Joey is supposed to be “just a memory” and “ghost-like”, as it is established the first two times we see him-

then how come does this happen??

Like really he doesn’t have to take that at all, he could just phase out of existence or whatever...

...or can he?

I’ve given this some thought and came up with two versions I found most interesting:

1. He can phase out but he doesn’t do that to be there for Audrey. Maybe he’s hoping that seeing him get absolutely deaded will somehow help Audrey “snap out of it” and take control of this weird fusion she’s having with the Ink Demon...? I’ll be honest I don’t really understand how they’re supposed to be fused and why. But she sure does take control after Joey gets crushed, so I assume she needed that mental push. Joey could have known that or not, maybe he just wanted to be there for her, which would be kinda wholesome. I guess making a sacrifice like that in a circle that revives everyone every time it restarts is not that big of a deal so he could afford to give that a chance even if not knowing if that’d actually help or not.

2. He became tangible after retrieving The End reel from The Pit. Yeah. You heard me right. Theory time babey.

Honestly, it’s something easy to miss, I’m sure I did while playing because I couldn’t remember what the goal is at any given moment, but in this part of the game you are supposed to get to the Pit. Except... we never do.

When we get to the entrance of The Pit, the security system kicks in.

And we get got by the Keeper here and escorted to Wilson.

(Though “The Pit” could be just the name of that hole the Keeper crawls out of but either way what it guards the way to is not accessed by us and that’s where The End reel is supposed to be.)

"That's where the ghosts live. Just beyond that door. The Keeper's prison. The Pit. No one ever comes out. At least, they're not quite the same."

We don’t know much about the pit aside from this one quite peculiar fact: that’s where the ghosts live. Maybe even Joey, despite being one himself, can’t just go in and out of there without any repercussions.

And - watch out guys here is something I like about BATDR for once - it is quite cool that Joey is the one to retrieve it as it seems like a very dangerous place, so if the gang (Audrey, Henry, Allison, Tom) tried to do that, they’d very likely be badly affected somehow. Good job game, I like when you establish something and then follow it up logically, very cool.

So, yeah, my theory is that going to The Pit to get The End reel did something to Memory Joey making him less of a ghost than he was before (at least until his death in this cycle, I suppose).

[obscurecharactershowdown]

Group E Round 4

[image ID: the first image is of No Significant Harassment, a shadowy figure standing behind a sleeping pink-red, fox-like creature. their green hands seem to be holding up the floating creature. the second image is of Shrimp, a black creature with a blue and white collar. he has bright white eyes, 4 spindly legs, a long tail, and an oblong head. end ID]

No Significant Harassment

They're just a silly little guy. A jokester. Significant harassment if you will. Anyway, a more in depth run down: They're a city sized supercomputer built by a Buddhist adjacent society to figure out how to transcend the 'Great Cycle' (semi-metaphorical cycle of death and rebirth) in a safer way than the previous method (submerging oneself in the 'void sea' which is a mysterious golden liquid that dissolves whatever it touches). Despite being built for this express purpose NSH never really shows a pressing interest in ascension, even cracking jokes about those who are still looking for a solution. Whether this is due to indifference, dislike of, or humor to cope with being unable to ascend is not clear and really up to interpretation. Example: NSH: I wish them super good luck in that endeavor. How is it going to happen? Have the overseers gnaw through bedrock until their entire can crashes down in the void sea? BSM: Please be respectful when speaking of the Void Sea. Grey Wind, where did you hear this? CW: I really shouldn't say. He's going to attempt some sort of breeding program. Thought you might want to know. NSH: Haha with the slimers, lizards and etceteras? Surely the answer was in a lizard skull all along! He's very flippant, but does care very intensely for those close to him. NSH: Moon? It's me again. NSH: I do not know if you are receiving these. Please signal in any way you can. NSH: I need to talk to you. I need to know you're okay. NSH: … NSH: Its difficult for us to assist you over this distance. NSH: Even more difficult for us to do anything in the midst of these tantrums. NSH: Were going to try everything that we can. NSH: Just hold on a little longer. (Context for previous convo: They genetically engineered a super organism of a slugcat (the species you play as in Rain World) to help reset his coworker/sibling after her collapse and restart her systems. He was so desperate to fix her that he accidentally messed up the slugcat's (Hunter) genetic code and as a result it became riddle with the Rot (relatively similar to aggressive cancer) :( which parallels his other coworker/siblings condition who also has the rot. ) He canonically uses he/they pronouns too! Nonbinary swag! NSH has major internet troll vibes. He has sent a data pearl of "something distasteful" to his neighbors on several(?) occasions and causes chaos. If he had access to the wider internet he'd probably be an influencer So…yeah! Vote NSH this website likes the allure of heavy machinery and stuff like that so… there you go. Kind of a blorbo. End post.

Shrimp

Ok so Shrimp is public enemy #1 and I love him. He's the funny little guy you see on your loading screen during the game who you don't think much of until eventually you find an asylum on one of the floors of the Upturned Inn and oops! Shrimp is there! And you need to free him to progress, which Ik is alarmed by even though you can also just tell him you didn't see/free Shrimp. You can put a collar on this little guy to make him look snazzy, despite how little he's with you. On the floors where he's friendly he kind of just follows you around, so you get to have a little buddy for parts of the game! He's basically just your pet dog who may or may not be severely dangerous. And by may or may not I mean a definite yes he is, because he turns aggressive when he gets especially hungry. He can eat the food objects scattered around, though, so that's avoidable! He can also stay with you for nice little elevator rides, which does concern Ik, but it works out! until he starts trying to attack you but if you don't feed your dog then I don't care if it attacks you [additional propaganda 1] [additional propaganda 2] [additional propaganda 3]

[wildernezz]

woahahaha im finally making an intro blog no wayyy, also dont mind me spreading my reblog > likes agenda

about me:

hey ho im wildernezz and we be ballin af. i'm an osdd-1b system and i might be more open about that later but i also maybe not who knows lol. i do animation, edits, writing, regular art, kinda anything art-related honestly, but i usually just post digital art here. pronouns are whatever tf you want but i prefer he/him. here's some other random stuff i can rattle off: infj, gemini, i like witchcraft, once made an album that currently has 200 pictures of joe keery because i thought it'd be funny, also once restarted the soviet union in 6th grade, currently making a presentation on david aames' mental stability for algebra, overanalyzing film is my only real personality trait, and i think bugs are funny-looking. anyways we vibe.

fandoms:

multifandom as all hell, but here are the ones i'm most consumed by currently and you can expect to see a lot of.

Dead Poets Society

Death Note

Homestuck

Musicals (BMC especially) & Film stuff in general

other fandoms that i'm also a part of but post less frequently about:

Camp Camp

Eddsworld

My Little Pony

Sanders Sides

Stranger Things

Undertale

there's a boat load of other fandoms but i don't engage that much in those so they're not entirely worth mentioning.

feel free to ask me for doodles btw. im always looking for ideas loll.

links:

here's some other places you can find me but they're honestly not that important since i'm only really active here.

abandoned youtube #1

semi-abandoned youtube #2

also abandoned twitter account

surprisingly not completely abandoned ao3 account

my spotify & pinterest if you want those ig idk this is all i got guys

also this other side blog where i analyze people from time to time: @analyzing-people-like-hell along with my cringier side blog @nezz-cringe-crib

friends!!:

here's some of my friends who are very cool and you should check out :3

@awesomejedie (all kinds of cool thingies!!!! i think of it as a silly treasure box filled with random goodies :33)

@b0cc (posts many awesome art stuff :D)

@chick3nbot1000 (reblogs fun stuff and every now and then posts fun random stuff)

@dandebbfan (posts random cool stuff about her interests that are fun to see)

@rockymintscollective (also posts awesome art stuff but also analyzations and other random things)

@saucelys (FUNKY ART PERSON WHO DOES FUNKY ART THINGS AND OTHER STUFF AAAGAGAGA)

thats all i can think of rn. i'll probs add more later but for now we ball B)

[system-of-a-feather]

Back from therapy and Riku recommended me to ramble about this a bit here, but in terms of the narrative of our CSA as I see it, I was a very broken and very hurt child who really needed gentle care and affection and in a time of need, rather than getting that, I was fed to the wolves and eaten alive and left spat out the other end way worse than whatever horrid state I was in before I was eaten.

As far as the narrative goes, from that point my life froze for years until the past year or two, and it took a while to get time to restart, but while that pain and hurt is real and it was horrifically unjust and cruel and nothing that I deserved, I have the care and affection that I needed at the time here within the system and the few people in our life that our system puts in our company.

I was failed by the world and the adults and peers around me there and got horribly hurt and taken advantage of and that betrayal was deadly, but it really is okay now because I have what I need to live again. It still hurts if I sit on it and simmer on it and I don't think itll ever go away, but life continues beyond the simmer and I'm ever thankful for my second chance at doing and getting what I needed now that I am free and honestly, I am blessed to have the care and love I needed even if it came late and after a horrible failure.

I honestly have more support and care and a more intensely supportive system that helps me and cares about me more than I ever could have dreamt of having before hand, so honestly, I struggle to hold long term complaints. Horrible things happened, but I currently have way more than what I could imagine when I was in need, and its met so much more than I requested that it does honestly make up for all the bleeding wounds I took on.

I guess I forgive the world for the cruel joke cause I guess I am just thankful to be part of this system and have so many supportive peers in this brain and body with me. It makes me feel like part of something and like I belong and am wanted and cared and thats really all I wanted since I've existed. I'm pretty happy and satisfied and its weird to say considering I was trapped in it for years upon years, but the CSA trauma I held just seems to disappear in the background as a side arc to my life the longer I float around the front and Ray helps me integrate more into the system. It's authentically kind of becoming an "oh that, right" than the endless spiraling void it used to be.

[eldenringslut]

Hey people, sorry I’ve been away so long. Uni has been inverting my legs recently so I only managed to finish AC6 last night.

These will be my (spoiler free) thoughts on AC6 as a long-time Fromsoftware and souls game fan. And as someone who has never played another Armored Core game before.

The first thing to realize is that, more so than any other fromsoft game, AC6 is NOT a souls game. It doesn’t play like one and it doesn’t feel like one. It is different on a very fundamental level. The combat, the exploration, the gameplay loop, the controls and the customisation, all of these are vastly different to what you’d find in a souls game.

Now this isn’t a bug, it’s a feature. Fromsoftware are clearly going for something different here, and so long as you don’t go in expecting a souls game you wont be disappointed (although the banging-your-head-against-a-wall bosses remain and still feel amazing to finally beat).

Now for the most important part (in my opinion), is the game fun? FUCK YES!!!

The combat system and controls take some getting used to, but after that the gameplay loop quickly becomes addictive. Even before you enter a mission you are constantly building, customising and testing new equipment. The game does an excellent job of incentivising customisation, with every setup having advantages and disadvantages that are needed for specific scenarios.

The game lets you save multiple setups and easily swap between them as needed. This eventually gets to the point where you’ll have multiple ACs set up, and will be theorising about what you’ll need and which one to bring before the mission even starts. Even better is that if you ever die, the game will let you change your setup before respawing at the last checkpoint. Without having to restart the mission.

This loop is perpetuated by how you’re constantly unlocking new parts. So it will take a long time before you exhaust all your customization options. And i cannot tell you how awesome it feels to slowly and precisely tailor the perfect AC setup for a specific boss and then finally beat them.

The story, music and art direction are, as expected from a Fromsoft game, all fucking amazing. The story is similar to Sekiro’s in that the main plot is told to you pretty directly, but you can still uncover a wealth of other information by reading logs and item descriptions. The game even incentivises this, rewarding you with parts for finding audio logs. There are several bosses that are so goddamn cool to fight that i didn’t even mind when they turn me into whipped cream. The game also has great replayability, with multiple possible mission paths and 3 endings (one of which includes several unique missions that can only be played in ng++).

Now obviously the game isn’t perfect. Some of the missions are objective defensive and can be kind of annoying. And for some of the bosses the best strategy is just to be as tanky as possible and just outgun them (which can be kind of boring). This is also a problem in PVP, with the meta setups being far too oppressive and skill mattering too little for my taste.

Additionally, you really don’t have that same sense of fear and caution you get from playing a souls game. You are much more likely to be worn down over the course of a mission (running out of ammo or health) than to die to any one tough enemy. The low ammo capacity of some weapons can also make them unusable in certain scenarios, which can be a bit annoying.

Overall however, this game is one of the best I’ve ever played and I 100% recommend it. The game is so good that it’s making we want to go back and replay missions to find all the secrets i missed. I recommend it whether or not you’re a souls fan.

9/10 absolutely fucking amazing.

[ninjasmudge]

I just recently found your Entanglement au and love it a ton! I really like how Mac’s screen will malfunction depending on how he’s feeling (glitching, blue screen, loading etc) but I also think it would be very fun if he had fans inside him to keep him from overheating when he works too hard or gets flustered (though he seems rather shameless lol).

I imagine he’d probably start with fans due to lbd just using the bare minimum to keep him together and functioning, thus not using proper material/metal but after Mai fixes the virus and rebuilds some of his parts he doesn’t need them. I had just thought it would be cute that before she fixes him and someone would say something endearing and heartfelt to him his fans would start up to keep him from over-heating (blush/flushing)!

he ABSOLUTELY does overheat when flustered, in fact, swk has literally used this to get rid of a glitching system before now, he literally just held maq gentle and dipped him, making him blush so hard he overheated and restarted, fixing the glitch in the process (crediting sol for this part bc it was something we talked about right near the start of me making the au)

it probably used to be a source of annoyance/ frustration for him bc i bet it gave him away a lot in slightly more dangerous situations. there was a whole period of time between escaping from lbd and meeting swk where maq, jin, and yin were traveling together, pulling cons and doing odd jobs so it was probably annoying to not be able to get angry without people knowing. (hes made of high quality materials bc lbd wanted him to last, but not ones that are easy to live in, so hed have high quality fans but also ones thatd be annoying to have to put up with all the time)

and also! im glad you like the au!! im having so much fun with it and im so glad people like it!

[hey-its-cweepy]

Lesson 1;5: Something's Wrong

Basics here!

Part 1! Part 2! Part 3! Part 4!

Also please let me know if you would like to be tagged when more parts come out✨🕺

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"What did I tell you, huh?! Everything's gone into absolute chaos and its all thanks to this stupid program!" A developer cried out, it had barely been a month since their little game's release and it was already a disaster, with allegations that their little program had a mind of its own and was causing trouble...

"Calm down, calm down, they probably just made it up like some spooky story... Just watch, it'll all die down soon. Remember, we can delete if its that bad, got it?" Replied the other.

"... Got it..." The first one sighed reluctantly.

Little did they know that someone was listening and they were not happy about it...

--------------------------------------

Its been a few days since Dell first received the USB, they've been trying to adapt to the inconveniences brought by it...

Their screen would glitch out and show static which would make them have to quickly restart themselves, their speakers would randomly turn on and off forcing them to just not use them anymore, sometimes they'd just shut off out of nowhere, it was a nightmare...

As much as Dallas tried to fix some of it, harshly yanking out the USB certainly didnt help...

At this point, Dallas feels defeated, he knows he can't fix Dell by himself. He realizes he needs to swallow his pride and ask someone who knows the subject better than he does to have a shot at properly fixing Dell...

You see, Dallas' never aimed to hurt Dell, he just wanted him to stay quiet. But of course, viruses don't work that way...

So with a deep sigh and some reluctance, he grumbles to himself as he makes his way to Momo and Roan.

"D-Dallas?" Momo asked "I-Is everything okay?"

Dallas huffed "... I need your help to take Dell to Ignihyde..."

"Momo fucking told you so-" Roan blurted out

"R-Roan! D-Don't say that!" Momo cried

"Are you gonna help me take the stupid giant box to Ignihyde or not?!" Said Dallas, a bit embarrassed and angry

Roan sighed "... Fine... But only cause if you tried to push Dell's box-screen by yourself, you'd probably push it over and break it."

----------------------------------------

Despite Dell's silent protests, the three of them try to push Dell's screen into Ignihyde together.

I'm alright! Honest! I can fix my system on my own!

Dell really didn't want fellow classmates to worry about them, so they tried their best to reassure them.

"I don't think so, it's been going on for a while..." Roan says "Besides, who knows what type of malware that thing had"

"What the hell are you first years doing?!" Questioned a residing student, in a bit of an accusatory tone.

"E-Eek!" Momo squeaked out before hiding behind Dell's box, the student seems to make her nervous...

"We're trying to get someone to fix this thing" Dallas admitted, in a rather sour tone

"Are you from this dorm?" Roan questioned.

"Well DUH! I have it on my uniform!..." The student mumbled something to himself, it clearly wasnt in a language Roan could understand...

"Good, can you help us fix Dell then?" Roan asked "Momo said that this dorm was good with technology or something along those lines"

Momo squeaked nervously at the mention of them...

"Momo"?... Wait a second, you're all part of the new first years, aren't you?"

"DUH! Idiot!" Dallas yelled out, matching the accusatory tone of earlier "If we weren't, we'd already know who to ask to help this thing or whatever!"

"About that... What's your name? It's kinda unfair you seem to know ours from that ceremony disaster thing but we dont know anything about you" Roan says

"Right... You can call me Kenzo, Kenzo Matisse" The dark-skinned student says.

"Great, now are you gonna help us with this stupid machine thing or what?" Dallas remarks in a snappy tone

Kenzo thinks to himself for a bit "... Hmmm... I suppose my whole dorm would be mad at me if I didn't, considering Dell goes here too... Eh, fine, we can try to see what's wrong with em"

"Th-Th... Thank you... M-Mister..." Momo squeaked out.

"Don't say anything just yet, I don't even know if I can fix them!" Kenzo remarked.

--------------------------------------

Kenzo plugs in a few cables into Dell's box, who seems quite nervous about the situation.

Wait wait wait! Im unsure if this is a good idea!

Words on the screen quickly flashed, Kenzo doesn't seem to pay attention to them.

"Don't be scared of the cables! You'll live! I hope..." Kenzo says as he plugs in one of the cables into his computer

Kenzo, I dont think-

Commencing system shut down...

They were the last words on Dell's screen before it went pitch black... Kenzo quickly gets to work, typing away at the screen to get a look into Dell's code in an attempt to try and see what's wrong.

Momo seems concerned, nervously holding her sleeves as she looks down at the ground.

"Momo, don't worry, Dell's gonna be fine" Roan tried to reassure her...

Dallas, on the other hand, still seems to be in denial that it's his fault, nervously scratching at his sleeve.

"Its not your fault... No, it could never be your fault..." He mumbled to himself "It was the fault of the person who gave that damn thing to you!... But... I don't know who it was..."

"Dallas?... Are you worried about Dell too?" Roan asked.

Dallas' eyes widen a bit "Me?! Worried?! In your fucking dreams, asshole!" He snapped at him.

Unbeknownst to them, Kenzo's computer was starting to heat up just by trying to even process the code.

"Almost there... Just gotta... Type in this thing..." Kenzo muttered to himself before letting out a scream and having to shield himself from the computer.

All plans were put to a stop when Kenzo's computer screen exploded, causing bits of it to scatter all over the floor and smoke to come pouring out of it.

Momo fearfully squeaked and hid behind Roan at the sound of it as Roan, Dallas and Kenzo collectively stared in surprise. On Dell's screen, you could only see a pair of eyes glaring hatefully at them as red text was displayed at the bottom.

DON'T DO THAT

...

Dell doesn't seem to like people touching their coding...

[sleepy-shutin]

Hello, I saw your post about introjects/introject heavy systems. I was wondering if you had advice newly discovered/questioning systems about being able to tell the difference maladaptive day dreaming and inner world happenings.

this post is going to be more of a kind of rambly list of things, but this kind of thing is *extremely* important to know, because i did not know the difference when i first found out about my DID, and it screwed me over for a full 2 years. it has taken me another 2 years to figure out the differences and get myself back on track.

if you can, i want as many people to reblog this post and add commentary on how they differentiate daydreams from alters/inner world stuff/general DID-related stuff, because too many people don't know the differences, and it's going to screw them over just like it did me.

this post is about DID, please do not derail it.

• daydreams are, on some level, controlled, and you have power over them to change whatever is happening in them to something else if you really want to ; alters and what goes on in the inner world are not things that you can control ⁃ try changing what's happening in the situation. if it continues/doesn't react/is resistant to you trying to change what's happening, then it may not be a daydream ; alternatively, if it changes easily, then that's a sign that it may be a daydream ⁃ try restarting the scenario to see if it may be a daydream. if you can't, it may not be a daydream

• to me, my alters and the inner world feel more "solid" and more "real" than daydreams, even maladaptive/strong daydreams that affect my mood/etc. alters and the inner world are more, for lack of a better term, "persistent", "pushy" and feel a lot less "mine" than daydreams do. basically, daydreams, even ones that are very detailed or realistic, to me, feel more 2D than my system. ⁃ if you're wondering if something is a daydream vs. an alter/inner world thing, try assessing how "solid" it feels to you, try to analyze its behavior and see if it feels like your other alters or other parts of the inner world ⁃ does it feel like it belongs to you? like it came from your own thoughts? or does it feel more foreign, disconnected or unreachable in some way?

• for me, daydreams often repeat themselves or specific scenes, or sometimes have very strange and absurd points that aren't realistic or wouldn't reasonably happen in the inner world or between a pair of alters because it has no reason to/these alters don't act like this/the inner world doesn't function like this/etc

• for me, a lot of times when my alters are communicating or i'm getting deep(er) into the inner world or connecting with it, i become more dissociated, and the "real" world feels more far away, like a daydream can be, but the difference here is that with the inner world, it feels like i'm somewhat leaving my body. for me, this is a very different experience from maladaptive daydreams, where it's less like i'm leaving my body and more like i'm just forgetting about it and getting absorbed into a book or a TV show

input from other people:

• "for me also specifically, innerworld happenings are reenactments a lot of the time, and while daydreams can also be, it's more fantastical and i feel in control. i can just stop. with alter re-enactments it’s out of my control and i make my head split in half and start feeling like i’m vibrating trying to make it stop" • "and daydreaming those for me is more like when you’re in the shower thinking about how you could have told that lady off"

if anyone else has any input on determining the differences between daydreams and alters in DID, please leave your suggestions!

this post is about DID, please do not derail it.

[arleney]

Yay you're playing! For the THATW song ask game, Welly Boots and 1, 2, and 10? <3

Ah! Okay so you immediately went straight for the jugular, I can respect that. I recently visited with my dad’s family so even more feelings have been unearthed. Get ready, I am about to Overshare.

10. When recommending this song to other people, how would you describe it?

Hm. It’s an excellent song and everyone should listen to it, but I can’t imagine telling someone to do so. I have a really hard time recommending things I find very personal.

That being said, I think I did list this song as a favorite when someone was asking, saying it was beautiful and cathartic illustration of grief.

2. How does this song make you feel?

I feel so many things. Joy. Sorrow. Deep and unrelenting rage. Fond.

My best memories of my father are of us singing along in the car. So it makes me want to sing louder, just for him. I also want to scream because how could you leave me here? (Singing along to this song in the car is an Experience for me.)

I was SUCH a weird kid. My dad didn’t fully understand me but he was kind of a weirdo too, so sometimes when people (my mom/brother) don’t get me or find me off-putting, I can feel his fingers down my back and I feel supported. Or, at least, not alone.

“I’m so proud of you” produces such a mix of feeling I’m not sure I can parse it out but it is strong and honestly not great.

“You’re strong enough to do this on your own” well I sort of have to be, don’t I? Rage again. It’s all unbearable but I have to bear it anyway. Why should I have to be on my own? Guilt, because some of that is my fault; my brother was even younger than I was. But that part goes on long enough that I remember that I did my best and I am strong enough. I do have a support system now. And sometimes I even get a reminder, like when I see my family, that there are pieces of him still around.

1. What was your first impression of this song (and has it changed)?

Fun fact! I will not understand a song the first time I listen to it. This song is pretty straightforward but I think it still took me until my third time listening to the album that “you were supposed to be my light/and keep me safe against them all” caught on my brain and then, you know, “‘how could you leave me here?’ you’ll scream” and I wondered what the song was about and how I could project my feelings so strongly into something I thought must have been unrelated. But nope! Not unrelated. Joey Batey just reached in and pulled out my heart to show it to me. Which. I really, really needed at that moment. I restarted the song to just hear the lyrics, and spent the weekend listening to it and crying. Anyway, I thought it was beautiful and perfect and made just for me.

This is the only song that hasn’t changed for me. I interpret their other songs in different ways on different days. I can’t for this one. I know some people think of Welly Boots as a breakup song and I cannot see it. I don’t even want to. I usually like leaving songs as stories that are up for interpretation and can fit multiple narratives but not this one. I like to treat myself with some mild self-absorption, and this one is for me. It is about a father leaving behind his daughter and even though it is a horrible thing, it is not the last thing. The daughter grows up. There is an echo of him in her laugh, her voice, how she moves through the world. There is still rage and loss, but also love, and she can find bits of her father anywhere, even perched by the stairs.

[the-firebird69]

If you want things to discuss but we need to get things going and needed to a while ago and the proof is that the max are picking it up not us not entirely but they were in the way the whole time. We need consumer goods and right now and we need to get it going we need a more positive upbeat at least positive place for our son this is very negative these people are extremely negative and he wants us to get moving to change it and these people won't change on their own refuse to. They're simple things and they know it. I think that they're extorted for it and it's not true the max out of time it makes timed it. We have other projects to start today and we need to start them. We have way too many false starts on our stuff and we need team captains to restart it and restart it and restart it and restart it until it goes let me see his kids doing it and they're young I understand there's a problem but I want to know what it is right now I'm making progress and real progress and I got to put it up there to keep our meetings positive.

These projects were a go years ago and you're trying to go and people say no overseas they're saying no they say they can see it there's tons of it and they're working everyday at it in a small way and we're going to be in trouble so just starting to see the point there's no jumping off points and there's no need to form up large ranks when there really is and it's trouble

They're going and they're leaving but there's other people's and it's a problem and that's what it does it's a nice fishing expedition. We have enemies at the gate here by the way and a whole bunch of them and they're trying to get in day and night and I mean and they are ornery okay so just a couple things to say

He's such a bunch and needs to sleep a little more and people are irritating him on purpose brought the subject and it was good we need to have some finale and go on that or something else or he's right we're going to be sitting there straddling it it's very valuable I found it to be very valuable the way he's thinking and she is and his people and really we already have time

-so the positive note the maintenance side we have 790% increase over factories that are open right before covid begin I have another 500% to go roughly before things would level off at all right now that's all just rest anger hostility. We're opening more plants right now for parts on popular used cars and like everybody said those used cars are going to be old in a few weeks the last major batch was in 2017 and it was kind of small so really it would be 2016 and that was the year our son went to Castle and the correlation is real and the guy is not very Swift. Moreover he thought he was ready to go everything is so huge that it would work find out the max were huge and other stuff and he's done he's a dumb person he's shooting at her son thought he was ready now it's time to shoot at him he's going to try and do things cuz he's desperate and we need him out and Trump needs out and that's all there is to it. We have a sturdy plan for the used vehicles but the used vehicles are going to be 7 years old really soon and that's when they fall apart they're actually already falling apart and they don't last long enough and you have to come up with a lot of parts so this is where we come in and he says there's five popular cars globally and what we can do is come up with parts to replace the whole car then by the time it comes time to build more cars we'll have all those factories making the suspension systems the engines to drive transmission the differential and the body on all the interior and everything it's already being made but we're just going to start making a lot more and it's kind of natural but we need to plan for it to get these factories open it's a great idea and we stopped people from taking the used cars before junk before they are junked and it's working that is a lot of junk cars and recycling but we can make aftermarket parts and there's a ton of companies and they're rolling on it too. Besides these things that seem basic but are very important food supply distribution and suffering and we need trucks when's it work and those companies are owned by people who don't do anything with them and we need to do stuff I need to do the thinning. We have several people here who have to leave still it's very annoying I live a lot of projects to get going I need everybody in it's too frustrating for him and her and me and Freya

Olympus

Ziggy Stardust

Mars is going fine we have a huge fleet off our west side it's gigantic and it is the pseudo empire. And they're sending ships and there are too few the fleet is about 5 billion and it is almost time for the minority warlock and the warlock already got a ships man 4 billion left and they're going to lose them if they get into a fight with them over Mars they're looking at what to do and they're trying to do stuff and I'll see you later this afternoon but they come up with

Olympus

[todayimgonnaplay]

Today I'm Gonna Play: Spider-Man Remastered (PC)

This is a game I've been wanting to play for a good while. Spider-Man's (will shorten to SM or Spidey as I write) my favourite superhero (but I can't call myself an expert about him, I'm still casual in comparison), but anyway I finally got my hands on it!

It's been a long time since I've played any Spidey game. I've tried a couple, such as The Amazing Spider-Man (TASM) for Android, TASM 2 on PC, Web of Shadows, Edge of Time, and the PSP port of SM2. I may revisit one of these games in the future to compare with Insomniac's version, as my memory with most of these games are a bit muddy.

But if there's one thing that really stands out, is the traversal. I don't think I recall ever playing a SM game that has this much of fluidity. It's realistic where the webs actually stick to surfaces and not the sky, and there's a great use of momentum to build up speed and keep it going. I can see why I heard good things about this part.

There's a great amount of detail put into the city of New York apart from just swinging around and going to story markers. You do have lots of collectibles to get which helps upgrade skills, suits, or gadgets (which is a really neat system that's been in other titles too), and there's always some crime fighting time to keep your hands busy. It does make the city feel alive, and it also made me realize just how busy and exhausting being a superhero must be. There's also some neat features like taking pictures of landmarks, or being able to interact with the citizens, which I really loved!

One unexpected but interesting thing was that I wasn't expecting the gameplay to have variety. Most games, if not all from what I remember, just let you play as Spidey himself, and maybe sometimes as Peter. But this one does both, AND more! Although you can only play as one superhero, the others either offer puzzles or mostly stealth missions to take on, which really put me at the edge of my seat. I've developed an attachment to these characters so them being in danger really got me concerned for them!

Onto cons, I can only say that the game relies way too much on collectibles in terms of game content. Although they offer different game modes, they tend to be too similar to the random crime events that occur, like going on a chase, or aiming your camera towards something. It would be nice to add more variety, or decrease the amount of collectible challenges going on. For those that love collecting, this game is a gold mine. To me, it's quite overwhelming and same-ish. Maybe adding some choices like Web of Shadows, or doing smaller tasks that a superhero would do (like, I dunno... maybe something is about to fall on a random citizen) would add to the realism of the game rather than fighting crime all the time, similar to what Spider-Man 2 for the PS2 did with pizza deliveries, interestingly enough. Open world games like this could reference Rockstar's games such as GTA V and Red Dead Redemption 2 on how to create a living world (that does not have to be big, because size shouldn't be an indicator of quality).

Apart from that, I did encounter some bugs where an enemy would get stuck and the button prompt wouldn't appear, or some QTEs wouldn't register, and this forced me to restart the mission. It was quite annoying but fortunately, it occurred just a handful of times.

Overall, I greatly enjoyed playing this, and would even consider it to be one of my all time favourites! I'll be taking my time with the DLC, and I'm looking forward to when I can play Miles Morales!

[thomine]

AUTHOR'S COMMENTARY; sincere sins & serious schemes

Index

basic stats

overall

world building note

title

pairing

deviation

final

⠀

Basic stats

time: 6 days

total word count: definitely more than 2k. i deleted the document so i can't check. potentially 3.5k - 4k words. not much drafts but i restarted the beginning at least once.

deviation: 3.5/5...???

*deviation from original is on a scale of 1-5, 1 being there was no change and 5 being it was completely changed.

⠀

Overall

wikipedia says that noir is “centered on protagonists that are either victims, suspects, or perpetrators—often self-destructive. a typical protagonist of noir fiction is forced to deal with a corrupt legal, political or other system, through which the protagonist is either victimised and/or has victimised others, leading to a lose-lose situation.”

i think those who’ve read my story can sort of see how i tried to stay true to the genre of noir. i didn’t want it to be an ordinary crime!au because, after reading what noir was, i thought it was ironic for thoma—a wholesome character—to exist in such circumstances. it was something i wanted to explore.

because i was insistent that the nature of the story captured the signature of noir, it took me several days to brainstorm the plot of the fic. i started brainstorming for it since day 10 as i thought it would be thoma's day, only to realise his was on 13th august, and then proceeded to not write it on 13th august, breaking my writing streak. so much for "preparing in advance" lol. but i only had one chance, and i wanted to ensure the story would be something i would look back upon and think "i really did try", so it took a while. eventually, i just sat down and wrote what i had in mind—i did not expect that ending. more on that later.

⠀

World Building

heizou is part of inazuma detective agency! although he doesn't appear in the fic, i did consider where he'll be in this whole au.

the detective agency is large, and it is probably the largest in inazuma, split into the 3 commissions we are familiar in the game, and then divided further into divisions. those are the 'clans' in-game.

⠀

the entire detective agency is corrupted, with the "head" of the detective agency only being a puppet and scapegoat.

ayato's division is anti-corruption except he doesn't outright say he's against those currently in power. although he might despise their practices and makes it clear he's against it by working harder to reveal the truth of the cases, he works amiably with them. those in power, at most, see him as a thorn to their side rather than an actual threat.

this is also part of ayato's plan. due to him being on their low radar, it allows him to do things quietly. for example, the shuumatsuban exists in this au, except they don't have a name. they're simply people who are hired under ayato with no relation to the detective agency. their identities are kept as a secret.

they are considered "cleaner" than those under his division, so he uses them a lot more, actually.

⠀

ayato is stringent with who he works with. he does extensive background checks to ensure those assigned to him via the agency are not spies. he's subtle about his "layoffs" as well, and his plots to "split" with them normally take about 4-6 months. after that, he puts them in probation for another 6-months. if you've been under ayato's division for more than that, then it's proof that you've passed his tests.

ayaka is not part of the detective agency. she is aware of their malpractices, but ayato does not share beyond that. although she has requested, multiple times, for her brother to share his burdens, ayato proposed that one way she can help is to keep her innocence.

as the protective brother that he is, he does not let anyone, other than thoma and those working under his secret organisation, get close to ayaka. reader is no exception, and reader is aware of that. anyways, they have other things to worry about than ayato's private life. ayato is also aware of reader's attitude towards his life outside of the agency and hence speaks about his sister in front of them without worry. of course he doesn't share details, but he's not as lip-tight either.

⠀⠀

the timeline of reader and thoma's partnership is like so:

reader joins the team and ayato is quick to point out how reader is a wildcard. they don't have relations to many people which might be to their advantage. however, they are close to their brother, but their brother might not be good company. thoma and ayato talk it out with ayato saying that he wants to observe reader for a few more months before concluding if they should be part of the team. thoma is therefore assigned as reader's partner.

reader passed the 1 year mark. throughout the year, reader has been extremely cautious of thoma, but only slowly got comfortable around him after they had to work together for tougher cases. reader thought the increased difficulty was simply because they got some kind of promotion, but it's really for ayato to push their limits and dig out more information on their brother.

ayato and thoma did have a talk about thoma "getting too carried away". i'll let your imagination fill up what happened, haha. thoma always reassures it's for the job, and ayato trust him, but that's also why when he wanted thoma to extract information, he planted the idea of thoma and reader going on a date.

⠀

reader's relationship with their family is... complicated. they're brother is the favoured child, but everyone in the family knew reader was the smarter one. they treated them unfairly because the family didn't want the unfavoured child to be more accomplished than their favoured. however, the brother accepted this, and used it for his own gain. as the fic said, he convinced reader to join the detective agency because he couldn't, and he hoped to pull strings such that reader could always bail him out of the situations he's in.

unfortunately, reader met thoma. the bubbly, friendly thoma. although thoma's intentions are questionable, reader truly believed he cared for them, which loosened the control the brother had on reader.

⠀

the worldbuilding for this fic feels rather immense... and as i was listing it down, i realised how central ayato was to this au, haha...

⠀

Title

sincere sins & serious schemes was my attempt at alliteration. the original title i was thinking of was sacrificial lamb, but i felt that was too... obvious and cliche.

i'm not going to explain it too much here since i believe the links i've made to the title and the scenes of this fic is rather.. ambiguious, and would need more time to think it through, but the only thing i can be sure of is that sincere sins is to describe's reader's pov while serious schemes is to describe thoma's.

i'm still not sure if sacrificial lamb, although cliche and lacking of alliteration, might have been a better title, but i did like my attempt.

⠀

Pairing

i will probably repeat this a million times but slash (/) is indicative of a romantic relationship with a cross (x) indicates a relationship that's ambiguous: you can read it as romantic or platonic. what brings a fic from (x) to (/) is often what the characters do, and in this fic, there is a kiss.

normally, i classify such stories as romantic, but i didn't want the implication of the kiss to be concrete. i wanted to leave room for a bit of interpretation, and leaving it as an act of uncertainty (i.e. we don't know if thoma likes reader that way) leaves the fic with a feeling of dread. we want to believe it's genuine, but there's possibility it's not. hence why even with a kiss scene, it's still marked as ambiguous (x).

⠀

Deviation

i didn't have a goal in mind when writing this story, but i knew i wanted it to end in a rather depressing state. however, when writing, it just felt wrong for reader to not stand up for themselves and leave the story with an opening of hope. that hope being they might return to the division and their relationship with thoma might be salvageable.

i remember how i said it was ironic for thoma to exist in such a dark genre. i guess in exploring the juxtaposition of his happy disposition with a grimmer reality, it just did not feel like thoma if he did not make an impact in this darker, corrupted world. even if his intentions are not as pure, i hope it is clear he does care for reader, and as that light of hope for reader, that knife that frays the tight strings of reader's brother, i'm sure reader would have been impacted by him. if thoma were to exist in noir, even if the situation might seem like a lose-lose situation, his presence will always squeeze in the possibility of a win-win situation. it's just who thoma is (to me anyways).

⠀

Final

i don't think i can perfectly summarise my thoughts about this fic, especially when that would require going in detail about some choices i made. there are some "parallels" or "symbolic actions" i would like to address, and i want to highlight a few scenes i think are significant.

because of that, i'll resort to my newer style of autcoms, and i hope reading those (not as long and more in-depth) commentaries can help this fic grow meaning.

[venting-town]

It’s always been where I get “ too prideful “/too prideful, I IMMEDIATELY get knocked back down

Even since I was a toddler, and probably before too

I guess I need to submit somehow, because my retarded-ass has likely always been like this

And it’s fucking retarded. It sucks. And I guess I asked for it?? Who knows, does it matter?

Regardless or in regards to or etc, I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of working on myself and I’m tired of fucking it up. I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of paying for the stupid shit I’ve done

I still don’t know at the current moment the amount of bad I’ve done, but I know I deserve this. And regardless or in regards to whether I should/shouldn’t/whatever/etc feel how I do, too bad. I hate it, and now I have to live with it/go through it until whatever beings/lackthereof/system/etc decides I can “ stop “

I don’t want to give up/keep trying/etc. I want to be erased. I don’t want to love/hate/etc others. I NEED/WANT to be erased.

I’m fucking tired. Whatever fuck-up I’ve done is THAT BAD, it seems. I fucked up some sort of system and I’ve really hurt and/or destroyed others.

I tried. I tried, and others tried too. They should’ve never had to suffer because of me, REGARDLESS or whatever I what I said and/or wanted. But no, it happened anyways.

And they expect me/want me to forgive myself? After all the shit I’ve done/keep doing? And that I should “ move on “?

What? Move on to the next bullshit punishment I deserve and don’t want to deal with? So I can THEN “ move on “ to the next one? And the next? And the NEXT?

I should be grateful that anybody/anyone cares about me at all. I am, sometimes. Other times, I’m not. Most times it’s a mix, and/or whatever else. I don’t want to be loved/cared about anymore. I don’t want to be hated, I don’t want to be considered. I don’t want to BE.

If that makes me a coward/selfish/etc, so be it. Fuck me and my stupid-ass pride, my pathetic-ness, all of me/me in general. Fuck dealing with consequences and fuck me for hurting others in the first place.

Quitter or “ caring “ or etc or what, I DON’T WANT THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!

I want to be erased!!!! I’m so tired of all this stupid shit!!!!!

I can’t have my own thoughts about WHOEVER/the beings in my head without them hearing/feeling it, then proceeding to be ( rightfully (?) ) upset, THEN start fucking me up/have things happen to me so I’ll relent and apologize.

This is so fucking retarded. Somebody has to/“ has to “, will/“ will “, needs to/“ needs to “ play the part.

Fuck me and fuck everybody else. But also everybody else should be loved and cared about. I’m tired of all this monoality, duality, triality, nullality, infiniteality, etc shit. I’m so fucking over myself, what I’ve done, what I’ll continue to do(?!), etc

I don’t want this anymore. But for some stupid-ass ( but still smart(? Not really for me/them ) ) and retarded-ass reason, if I don’t take the punishment/role, others will HAVE/“ HAVE “ to, because that’s how this dumb shit works.

I don’t want to be here, there, anywhere. I don’t want you all and I don’t want you to want or whatever me. I don’t want to deal with this shit and I don’t want you all to deal with it.

I guess it’s either the red pill or blue pill, except they’re the same pill that does the same exact retarded shit, but still in slightly different ways!

Just like how this shit works. It does the same/similar/different/etc shit, and it’s STILL retarded as FUCK!!!!!

Not to get things wrong, some things ARE good and/or worth it! It’s still not and it’s STILL retarded!!!! I fucking hate it!!!!!

It never stops and never starts because of some retarded bullshit someone/others/I/etc/what did/done/etc what

Fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck optimism and pessimism and centrism/neutralism and other and alt and mix and none and null and all and some and etc

Fuck both/neither/all/some/none/being/not being/saving/erasing/restarting/taking/giving/monoality/duality/triality/infinity/null/complaining/being thankful/feeling/not feeling/alternating/static/caring/not caring/yin/yang/absolute/resolute/objective/subjective/creators/creations/observers/participators/fuck/fuck all/this/that/free will/limited free will/no free will/choice/no choice/adding/subtracting/adding onto/positive/negative/neutral/etc

[myunicornsdontlie]

Idk what it is but I feel like I’m letting my moms spirit down. I am not completely fulfilled in life. I have a job that pays me well. I have a partner who loves me. I have close friends who love me and I love them. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or why I feel like I’m doing something wrong but it just feels like there’s something missing.

Sometimes I truly just want to restart my life. Would my family even miss me? How long would it take for my friends & girlfriend to get over my disappearance? Would my absence leave their lives better off?

I wonder how my mom dealt with not feeling in control of things that happened to her. I know she loves my dad but they fought so much it was hard to get a clear picture of complacency in a relationship. So is this why I feel this way?

My friends are all busy and have lives of their own, which is expected and I’m happy for them and they are for me, but I don’t feel close anymore. Obviously physically and mentally. I think I create my own separation between people sometimes and I don’t know why. Is THIS why I feel this way?

And then my family. (The pause in my head and the deep breathe I needed to take to finish typing this makes me feel like this is why I feel this way, butttt) When I was younger I grew up around most of my moms family. My dads family outcasted my mom for her probably simply being white and probably bc of her personality. She’s the type that makes you love her. She’s kind, thoughtful and always like to be in the know. She bought Christmas presents for every family member. Always. Both sides of the family hers and my dad. I just recently within the last 5 years started getting closer to my dads family, and within the last year & 1/2 closer to my cousins. I didn’t realize how much I really needed that type of support system. My dad loves me but he doesn’t understand the new generation and what is acceptable. I don’t even know if he really accepts me being gay. I truly don’t know. And then I come to find out that my family does things without me. I’ve told them all, including my dad that I literally would like to be apart of whatever they do and that an invitation would be nice. OR literally tell me something is happening but don’t want me around. I feel like they think it will either hurt my feelings or whatever but you know what I think they actually just forget about me lol. It’s so sad. I feel anger I feel unloved. When I know there are other people like my friends and girlfriend who love me! So why do I feel this anger and hurt ?? It sucks because I’ve actually talked to my family and my dad and given them an idea of how it hurts me. And still nothing. Nobody tells me anything, I only live 2 hours away. I like driving.

Also my family is homophobic and a tad materialistic lol. So there’s also another part of me that’s like.. why do I even try? They will never stand up for me. They will never see me and acceptable? I’m too fat to be in pictures. So why do I even try to gain their love, gain fun times with them? It hurts, physically and mentally to be around them knowing I’ll be forgotten about or a butt to their jokes. I’m mentally strong like my mom and dad raised me to be but keeping this shit in and not having an outlet sucks too. It sucks to make jokes or put an “lol” at the first of texts when I’m hurt because I just get so tired of explaining my feelings. It’s fucked up and it just makes things worse.

A part of me wants to have my own family someday in order to create a life for myself where I am fulfilled and I love my child with all the care and compassion that was lost w me.

I just know not enough people, including myself I guess, in my life have shown what it means to care for someone, they just use their words hoping you believe them. But seeing it would be nice right about now.