#present and express however you desire of course but we are not talking about self expression

[soullessjack]

honestly even the concept of domestic aus is starting to confuse me bc like. They do have a home. A very big home with structured chores and family event nights. Dean and Jack both own aprons and Dean cooks for everyone. Sam gets up early to jog around the woods in full running gear. Dean owns novelty socks. Cas and Jack play Connect 4 together. They routinely stop out to eat after hunts. Jack is very much their kid, early 20’s or not, and he reciprocates that they are all collectively his dads (so yes, him being a baby literally is so unnecessary for domestication). By hunter standards they’re all well in the lap of domestic luxury, and by family standards they’re almost a polar opposite of the nuclear gender family archetype. Nothing about them is a white picket fence and apple pie American Dream life—it’s better! And it’s weird that the fandom is so obsessed with reducing their unique read: queer found family dynamic down into that traditional American Dream nuclear sitcom family archetype. I won’t hijack your post for a gender study of SPN, but I do wanna say that SPN’s distinct portrayal of masculinity is probably (and surprisingly) one of their stronger points? like, Dean wore pink satin panties and was archetypically a mother for Sam.

Cas is angelically agender, & his entire arc of becoming more human is pivotal to him being emotional and caring. Jack takes after his mother in both personality and resemblance, and he admires her as what he wants to be; he’s very openly emotional and empathetic and “soft,” and nurturing, as Sam was with him, and that’s narratively celebrated!! There’s also the undeniable queerness of Jack having “more dads than most” as a surface level reading. Traditional nuclear gender roles associate all of these traits with femininity, with womanhood, and for SPN to very blatantly give it to these violent macho meat men — for them to even explicitly reject the toxic masculinity of their fathers & paternal lineage —, is huge! Im not saying SPN is feminism central by any means, but their distinct flavor of man is very unique and very very queer by traditional standards, and so TFW2.0 can be seen as inherently queer in that vein, which just circles back around into how fucking weird it is that the fandom obsessively womanizes/feminizes them to make them more ‘palatably queer,’ (cough Castiel) bc to put it shortly: masculinity is not considered inherently queer by a large majority of other queer people.

You can put a gay man in a dress and call it a night for defying gender roles, but are you really defying anything if you’re treating that gay man in a dress as functionally-a-woman in your pairing of him with a very masculine man? If you’re insisting that one of these fathers is actually the appointed “mother,” because he was the one to be more explicitly nurturing? If the only way you can think of this family being “perfectly domestic” is in a rigid outdated dynamic? Are you even trying to defy anything at this point?

y’all’s thing for de-aging jack is actually weird and completely unnecessary.

i genuinely need an explanation why there’s so much content (and why it’s a lot of y’all’s preferred content) on taking an autistic coded character and quite literally infantilizing him? he chose not to have a childhood because he didn’t need one and y’all demand to reverse it? removing his ability to speak and/or make decisions for himself? that’s horror, it’s not cute!!

even if it was just about human ideas being put onto a fictional nephil when the other angels didn’t have a childhood either, it would still be odd!! but no, he’s also autistic so his autistic traits are used as reasoning to why he shouldn’t be able to form coherent sentences and drink out of supply cups. you know who thinks like that? ableists!!! i compare y’all to those people who start talking to autistic adults like they’re children after they find out they’re autistic. even as a kid or a teen he becomes so OOC and it’s weird how much y’all have latched onto a fanon thing that doesn’t exist and actively have isolated autistic people because of it.

ultimately, there’s no reason to de-age him other than to make him a cute prop for family fanart and nuclear family fics, but y’all apparently lack the ability to take the rose colored glasses off. it’s so odd how much y’all have romanticized taking away the autonomy he chose to have and i actually hate how kid!fic content is the most interacted with. make an OC or shut up. jack doesn’t need to be a baby or a kid to have parents. critically think about the ableism behind the whole concept. i understand it’s not intentional but the impact is harmful and after 6 years, i think you’ve had enough. and for the love of all that is unholy, he is not just sunshine and rainbows. so stop being selfish and removing autistic representation.

also: you lot who think he canonically has a baby brain and an adult body…. i shouldn’t even have to explain the ableism behind this. he’s a beer drinking war veteran cannibal who wanted to fuck on a case and ended up being threatened with necromancy like idk how we even watched the same show. if your argument is velcro shoes—i hate you. disabled people wear them, old people (people becoming disabled by age) wear them, people who have poor motor skills or just who hate taking the time to tie their shoes wear them. they’re not just for children. shut up. your argument is not canon, you’re just an ableist weirdo.

[learnastrowallura]

💚The 10th house in astrology💚

The source if this information is The Astrology Podcast (Chris Brennan) on Youtube and I will add a personal example plus some of my own thoughts as well

10th house: career, occupation, profession, work, enactment, achievement, reputation, intention, choice, actions, public image, visibility, exposure, rank, position, demand, duty, reward, honor, MC, legacy, bosses, power dynamics, angular

The sign and planet(s) in the 10th house can show us the image that is apparent or visible to others within a professional context, what we do exactly or how we take action toward achieving what we desire, what is the vision that we have and the contribution that we make (within the 6th house it is more... well what you HAVE to do, whereas with the 10th it is more end result based aka what impact will I have in the world), what is my role to play here etc, technical abilities and talents, career potential, our tendencies or even enthusiasm pertaining to taking action (or in the opposite case hesitation toward it) during work, which type of career the individual will take on, what we are known for

Looking at the ruler of the 10th house can, of course, give us more detail on career/reputation matters.

The midheaven in hellenistic astrology may not always fall in the 10th house, so for example if it falls in the 9th house your career may involve spiritual and/or religious matters, teaching people perhaps in college, and if it is in the 11th house then it may involve friendships so maybe there is an overlap with the coworker and friend relationship, or if you pay attention to the talks that you have with your friends there might be a certain theme that comes up that may be a good fit for you in your career, etc (use whole sign house system for this)

Personal example: Leo in 10th house, no planets

Right well this one is a bit tricky to delineate, to be honest

Starting with Leo I definitely make... a statement, I suppose? See the thing is with the 10th house it is something that becomes easier to analyze and figure out in adulthood. I would say I am known for being a certain kind of provocative and bold at my school for sure. Leo is all about shining and self expression and I do not shy away from being authentic and presenting myself as I am, yk? Not many people like it but yea

The reason why I mention college is because I do believe the way I behave there is close to how I would behave in jobs as well since it does count as 10th house work for me but that is my own perspective on it so take it with a grain of salt <3

Right now I am doing an internship which is as close as it gets to a job as of now and I would say I am all fired up to get shit done and I am also quite focused on doing the things that I have to do in a good and proper way (fixed sign quality; stability is prioritized) even though the situation rarely ever demands it; I would say I have good work ethic personally.

My midheaven is in my 10th house so there is not much to talk about there it is the most common case

My Sun which is the ruler of my 10th house is in 1st house placidus and I do resonate with that because my career, my legacy is of priority to me and I take that shit super seriously like it is this huge like goal of mine

Whereas with WS my Sun is in my 2nd house and to me that manifests in being very financially driven so while I do have a good work ethic if I find myself investing my time and energy into something long term that is not going to give me a financial ROI then I will look for something that does idc

My Sun trines my Saturn in the 9th house which does make me feel like that slowly but surely success in career vibes are relevant to me and that hard work and leaning into spiritual studies is going to be quite beneficial

My Sun is also square my Uranus in 4th house and I am not in a stage within my life in which I can quite explain that, however, I do think that shit constantly happening within my private life and home could potentially make me lose my focus and weaken my resolve at times butttt I always bounce back so it's oki

Thank you for reading <3

Masterlist

Paid readings available

x

[mihai-florescu]

Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course

My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...

As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...

I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)

It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...

Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...

[sklives]

SasuKarin PlayList 🎶

And some retrospective of my ordered commissions and some edits, maybe

PREVIOUS << 5 / 10 >> NEXT

Basically, just to promote a little more my playlist, I will explain the reasons for choosing those expecific songs.

Link here >>> [ X ]

I will post every day at this same time 21:00, Brazil time.

This analysis, and the songs, are how I see their dynamic, both, in the canon manga (with the databooks) and in an AU where the writing would be favorable for the endgame, a narrative that all of us as SasuKarin stans agree with.

LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO✨

13) The one who got away by Katy Perry (WhoHurtYou version)

Following the same line as song 12, here it is about someone trying to restore the time that has passed with someone. The song started with memories of an youth romance and the promises made of eternity, so at the end the narrator express a desire in an alternative world where they could be together.

There's a lot of regret here.

I should have told you what you meant to me 'Cause now I pay the price

Basically it's a song where we can see they history in a different perspective, we can see through the small details mentioned in the chapters that introduce the Hebi team how Sasuke and Karin could be so close.

Well, this can wait for another analysis.

14) I hate everything about you by Three days grace

This song is a powerful portrayal of the emotional ambivalence present in tumultuous relationships, here the hate and the love for someone coexist in a conflict way, it's a lived confusion between pain and affection.

The chorus tells about the awareness of the negative sides and the flaws of the loved one, but above all that, the lyric self still tangled in this fellings of love.

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

You hate everything about me

Why do you love me?

I hate

You hate

I hate

You love me

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

At the end they yelled to each other, love this dynamic in music.

15) Follow you by Bring me the horizon 🤘🏻

This one is about love and devotion, this love is so intense that the narrator beats anything, go through anything and face anything to be near of her loved one.

So, you can drag me through hell

If it meant I could hold your hand

I will follow you.

There's loyalty and commitment, even before the death, expressing how much extreme a love can be. The lyrical self gives herself without reservations, highlighting the ability of love to move people, for better or for worse.

Come sink into me and let me breathe you in

I'll be your gravity, you be my oxygen

So dig two graves, 'cause when you die

I swear I'll be leaving by your side

This song hits in a different spot for me, because here we can have a new perspective about this scene ↓

I had already talk about it in here → { X }

But I'll make a resume.

As a fandom we assume this scene as something positive and a point in favor for Sasukarin, and yes, I agree with that...

Sasuke knows about her healings ability, so the sensible thing to do would be to use this to his advantage, but Karin felt betrayed, however Sasuke could easily talk to her instead of trying to finish her off, but of course, we have to think about what Kishi needed to do.

This decision gave us the backstory that nobody expected and this brings to the fandom a new perspective for Karin's character, a truth that was hidden, her genuinely fellings.

Little edit I made recently xoxo

He gave Karin an important role in Sasuke history, to show how much he had declined to darkness, the same he had did with Naruto in the classic.

Sasuke was possessed by revenge and nothing else matters, he needed to cut those connections to be stronger, he needed to sacrifice Karin to get what he wanted.

But Kushi didn't have to go that far.

Kishi showed that Karin can be a cold blooded and analytical person as much as Sasuke was, here they could use her ability to have the advantage and after Danzou's death they could have continued together until the war.

I believe that if it weren't for Sasuke's drastic change, Karin would have stayed by his side and used her healing power as a triumph.

Karin would made anything for him actually, but at the moment when she didn't recognize him anymore, nothing else matters.

[cherryrainn]

hey i’m wondering if you write for male reader? if you do can you write Onceler x Male reader smut? it’s perfectly cool if not, i just love your writing! make sure to stay hydrated ‼️

hey!! TYSM!! THAT MEANS SM <33 and of course i can write this for you. again, not an expert at smut but i try

☽ ༚  ༵ ۰ ✧ ۰  ༵ ༚ ༵ ۰ ✧ ۰ 

— corporate romance

onceler (greedler) x male reader

you took a deep breath as you approached onceler's office. the polished wooden door stood as a formidable barrier between you and the answer to your current dilemma. clutching a stack of papers and trying to ignore the fluttering nerves in your stomach, you reminded yourself of your worth.

working for onceler had been an opportunity filled with both challenges and excitement. you admired onceler's entrepreneurial spirit and the way he effortlessly captivated everyone around him. but deep down, there was something more than admiration. a small ember of attraction flickered in your heart, igniting a gentle crush that you had tried your best to keep hidden.

today, however, everything seemed to align—a perfect storm of bravery, necessity, and desire pushing you to take a step forward. it was time to ask onceler for a raise, a fair acknowledgement of your skills and contributions. despite the fear of rejection, the lure of a more substantial paycheck drowned out the doubts.

summoning your courage, you knocked on onceler's office door and pushed it open, revealing a spacious room adorned with eccentric decorations and the scent of freshly brewed coffee lingering in the air. onceler, with his trademark green tailcoat and expressive sun glasses and hat, looked up from his work, surprised by your presence.

"good afternoon, sir," you greeted, trying to sound confident. "can i have a moment of your time?"

onceler's gaze met yours, his eyebrows raising in curiosity. a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips as he leaned back in his chair, a picture of self-assuredness. "ah, my hardworking underling seeking an audience with me. what brings you here?"

you took a deep breath, steeling yourself against his charismatic charm. "i wanted to discuss my compensation, sir. i believe it's time for a raise."

onceler's eyes sparkled with amusement as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk. "oh, really now? and why do you think you deserve such a favor from me? tell me why you're worth every penny of a higher salary."

you squared your shoulders, determined to present your case. "i've been working tirelessly, putting in long hours and going above and beyond to meet deadlines and exceed expectations, sir."

onceler let out a low chuckle, shaking his head. "that's not how this works, dearie. as much as i would love to reward you for your efforts, it isn't about you—it's all about me."

you frowned in confusion, feeling like you were missing something. "but-"

"no, no, i know you're good at what you do," onceler said soothingly, placing a hand on your shoulder. "but that doesn't mean I'm going to pay you just because you deserve it."

your stomach twisted into knots as you felt a wave of panic rush through your mind. you trembled slightly, gripping the papers in your hands tightly. "i don't understand, sir. i thought we could be on the same page."

onceler gave you a reassuring smile. "don't worry, dear. i get these kinds of requests often. you see, there are two different ways to approach this. one is to prove your value to me. the other is to plead your case until you wear me down."

"plead my case?" you blurted out, feeling as if you were about to explode. "why can't we just talk things out like adults?"

onceler chuckled softly. "because that's not how I roll."

you stared at him wide-eyed, unable to process what he was saying. "what do you mean?"

onceler stood up from his desk, walking around behind it and leaning over the table so his face was directly in front of yours. "let me spell it out for you boy," he told you sweetly, "if you want your raise, you need to convince me to give it to you. you know how to do that, right?"

you shook your head numbly, mouth agape. "i...i don't understand, sir."

"there's nothing to understand," he replied, his voice growing stern. "we both know your worth. whether or not i decide to pay you what you think you deserve will depend entirely on your ability to sway me."

you swallowed thickly, taking another deep breath. "i'm not asking for anything unreasonable. i've done my best and i've earned a raise."

onceler put his hands on your shoulders and squeezed gently, turning your chin toward him. "and i know how well you've done. so let me show you how this works." he placed his lips on yours, kissing you deeply and passionately. the moment his tongue slid across your own, you lost control of yourself.

onceler pulled away from you, cupping your cheek and looking deep into your eyes. "see, that wasn't too bad, was it?"

you blinked rapidly, your cheeks burning with embarrassment. "i..i didn't think you'd…"

onceler chuckled, shaking his head. "shh shh, don't worry about it. my mind never wanders far. especially when i'm talking to someone as handsome as you." he leaned closer, pressing his lips to your ear. "this isn't about what i want, now is it? it's about what you want." he placed his hand on your chest, stroking your skin softly as he trailed kisses along your jawline. "so tell me, how badly do you want that raise?"

you swallowed again, your eyes darting from his face to his lips and back. the words were stuck in your throat as he pressed himself against you, kissing you more softly and slowly, his fingers tracing circles on your chest. you ran your hands up his arms, and turned your face into the crook of his neck, breathing heavily.

you bit your lip as he guided you to your knees, lowering his hips to the edge of the desk and spreading your legs. onceler's tailcoat fell to the ground, exposing his long legs and bulging crotch, the tip of his cock poking out from his waistband. you shivered, looking up at him, wanting to feel his hands on you again, the heat of his body warming you and his scent making you dizzy.

onceler cupped your chin, tilting your head to expose your neck. his gloved hand wrapped around your throat, squeezing gently. "i promised you a show, didn't I?" he murmured, letting go of you. "well, now's your chance." he smirked, reaching down and unzipping his pants. his cock sprang free, jutting proudly upward in the air, already half erect and dripping precum.

you licked your lips nervously, "you shouldn't tease me like that.."

onceler chuckled, running his hand down your chest and belly before coming to rest on the front of your pants. "i know, i know. but i wanted you to beg for it first." he grabbed your belt and undid it quickly, tugging your pants and boxers down to your ankles. "here, let's make sure you're ready." he grasped your rigid shaft in his hand, stroking it slowly while you squirmed with embarrassment. "i think you're getting very excited, aren't you?"

you whimpered softly, trying to hide your growing erection under your thighs.

onceler smiled, his hand tightening around your shaft. "then get on your knees."

you nodded, dropping to your knees and crawling to the edge of the desk. onceler's cock bobbed in front of your face. you reached out and stroked his length, feeling the heat of his arousal. "please," you whispered, "just touch me."

onceler leaned forward, pressing his lips to your cheek. "hush now," he told you, looking deep into your eyes. "you won't need any more convincing from me." he pressed his cock against your lips, making you open your mouth and suckle it.

onceler held your head still as he thrust his hips, pumping his cock in and out of your mouth. you moaned as you sucked him, your tongue swirling around his shaft and the underside of his cock, tasting the salty precum oozing from the tip. onceler groaned, his hand cupping your hair as he began to fuck your face, his fingers digging into your scalp.

he pulled away, standing up from the desk and grasping your waist. he lifted you off your knees and laid you out on the table, his hands roaming along your body, properly exposing your fully erect cock.

onceler grinned, running his fingers over your dick and balls, his thumbs brushing up and down your shaft. "my, my…you seem to be enjoying this quite a bit."

you nodded weakly, closing your eyes and trying to relax. "y-yeah, i am."

onceler smiled, bending down between your legs and kissing your stomach, trailing kisses and nips all the way up to your navel. he placed his lips on your chest, licking and sucking your nipples, before moving further down. "are you ready to finish what you started?"

you swallowed thickly, feeling hot and flushed as he bent over your waist. "huh?" you squeaked, your voice breaking as he took hold of your cock and stroked it. "sir?"

onceler chuckled, grinning at you. "of course i'm gonna make you cum. i wouldn't have been done here then, would i?" he looked down at your cock as he stroked it, smiling evilly. "although, if you don't want me to make you come, you can always stop me. that's an option."

you blushed hotly, clenching your fists as he gripped your cock. "n-no," you stammered. "i want to—"

onceler kissed your cock, blowing on it gently, and you cried out softly as he took it into his mouth. the sensation was incredible, his warm lips enveloping your sensitive flesh and the silky smoothness of his tongue trailing up and down your shaft. he swirled his tongue around the tip and sucked you deeper, his throat swallowing your entire length. you moaned loudly, arching your back as he sucked you harder, his fingers slipping beneath your balls and massaging them.

his breathing ragged as he worked you over. he released your shaft after a few seconds and moved up to kiss your lips, moaning as you moaned into his mouth. his teeth scraped your lips, and you gasped, shivering as he began to suck your cock again, his tongue swirling around the bulbous head and the shaft.

onceler's fingers slipped inside your ass, causing you to moan helplessly, your hips buckling underneath him as he fingered you. he moaned softly "do you like being fucked in your ass, my handsome little pet?" he asked, his voice hushed.

you panted, nodding frantically.

"good."

you clenched your teeth, eyes fluttering shut as he rubbed your prostate and pumped his finger in and out of your ass. you wrapped your legs around his head, pushing his mouth deeper into your groin, your fingers clawing at the desk and begging him to fuck you. you felt the familiar pressure building up, and you knew you couldn't hold it back anymore.

onceler pulled away from you, licking the tip of your cock clean and smearing your cum onto his tongue. he crawled up your body, pressing himself against you and wrapping his arms around your neck. "i'm going to come soon," he whispered softly into your ear. "be ready for it."

you nodded, panting. "i'm ready."

onceler pushed himself into your tight hole, sinking his full length into you. you cried out, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt and crying out again as he filled you. he slowly pulled out, watching your cock twitch with pleasure as he let it slide out, only to slam himself back into you hard. you grunted, gasping as he drove himself into you over and over, his balls slapping against your ass with each thrust.

onceler's hands roamed up and down your sides, rubbing your chest and gripping your hips. he smiled, kissing you softly. "is that what you needed?"

you mumbled something unintelligible, your mind fuzzy with lust.

onceler kissed you again, his hand sliding down your stomach and cupping your balls. "i thought so," he breathed into your ear. "it's alright, you're safe with me. you're mine."

you whimpered, biting your lip, "i'm yours."

onceler chuckled, pulling out and turning you over, he pulled you up by your hair and forced you to bend over the desk, your hands resting on the edge. he straddled you, his cock pressing against your ass. "now, let's see how much you liked that, huh?"

you whimpered, feeling his cock rub against your asshole. "it hurt," you gasped, "but it felt good too."

onceler laughed, easing himself into you. you moaned softly as he slid into you, filling you completely. onceler rocked his hips back and forth, his hand groping your ass roughly. he pushed himself deeper and deeper into you, burying his whole cock inside you and stretching you.

onceler leaned forward. "how's that feel?" he asked, his voice soft.

you moaned softly, feeling your muscles tense as he fucked you. "wonderful," you sighed.

onceler laughed, leaning forward and kissing you. he let out a low groan, shoving his cock into you with one thrust. his pace increased, his cock plunging in and out of you, his hips slapping against your ass. you pressed your hands against the desk, moaning as he fucked you, your breath coming short and fast. onceler gripped your hair again, forcing your head back and pressing his lips to your shoulder.

you whimpered, your hands trembling slightly. "more," you gasped, "i need more."

onceler growled, thrusting harder and faster into you. he pounded your ass, slamming his cock into you over and over, his balls slapping against you. you cried out, your head rolling back and your hands covering your face. you could feel your orgasm beginning to build, and you knew you couldn't hold it back.

onceler pulled out of you and knelt beside you, stroking your cock as he leaned over your back, kissing your neck and collarbone. you threw your head back, whimpering as your balls tightened and you came, shooting rope after rope of cum all over the desk. onceler moaned, shivering as he came, his cock twitching and jerking as he shot his load. he collapsed on top of you, his weight pinning you to the desk.

onceler leaned down, kissing your cheek and whispering, "nice work."

you chuckled weakly, looking down at yourself. "i'll be sore tomorrow."

onceler chuckled, kissing your lips. "don't worry about it. we have time."

you smiled, your heart racing, "so.. that raise?"

onceler smirked, rising off of you and standing up. "of course. just think, you earned that money just from being an obedient pet."

[vrisrezis]

Aj the furry we are kissing /joking

. Reader is a furry animal like rocket . From the same place he was from too

Cw for like . Reader with internalized transphobia (kinda?) reader comes out to all the guardians individually so this kinda long

You had come to realize something, about yourself. Something you had never considered, something as to which you were unsure how to handle. Something you weren’t exactly familiar with, and you weren’t sure was exactly normal. Gender had been a topic you weren’t always the most comfortable with discussing, at least when it came to you. There was a point in time, you had considered yourself to be male, and another time you had considered yourself to be female. But as you’ve come to realize you do not find yourself comfortable with either label. You’re not sure what it could’ve been, as you find yourself comfortable with masculine compliments, feminine compliments too. However being referred to as a boy, a girl, specifically, felt uncomfortable. Rockets boyfriend, rockets girlfriend. This was something you forced yourself to shrug off, assuming this strange feeling must be related to your lack of self esteem in general. Of course you had an issue with how to presented yourself, you didn’t like yourself much at all generally speaking. You had been created by somebody else, your existence was not your own will. It’s only natural there are things you do not like about yourself, as certain things that make you… well… you, are not your choice. You were raised to be a weapon, a shield, a fighter, and yet despite all of that, despite all the power and strength you are granted it is not what you desire for yourself. Your personality shows who you truly are inside, a kind and happy soul. Not a cold heartless killing machine. Because there’s so much you do not like about yourself, this just feels like another thing about you that you wish you could change. Perhaps it has something to do with feeling like your own person, having your own will, rather than being nothing more than a pawn to someone else, rather than just some science experiment. You had built that for yourself, with the newfound family you have made. Because even with all that strength, they love you for who you are rather than for how competent you are.

On an evening where you were extremely drunk and emotional you had talked to gamora about this issue you were having, and gamora had came to a simple conclusion. “Maybe you’re neither, then. Or perhaps both.” she shrugged, “I wouldn’t say you’re agender, maybe you’re non binary.” as to which you stared at your friend blankly. “Those words aren’t in the Bible.” “Shut up and listen to me for once. Also, the hell is a Bible?” You shrug, “not sure! Pete mentioned it.”

Ever since your long conversation, you’ve come to the conclusion you’d like to be referred to as they, instead of she or he. And upon gamora using those pronouns for you, as well as gender neutral language when discussing you, you’ve found yourself significantly more comfortable in who you are. This took some time for you to adjust to but you found yourself loving it a lot. However the first step to allowing others to accept you, is accepting yourself first. Realizing that just because this way of gender expression is something you yourself never heard about, doesn’t mean it’s not a very real identity that makes people comfortable. You have had to realize the way you feel doesn’t make you weird, or a freak. There’s many people in the galaxy, it is preposterous to think there will only be two gender identities throughout the course of the universe.

“There’s… nothing wrong with me… is there..?” you ask, looking up at your best friend. She shakes her head, “No. Of course not.” She says, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I should hit you, for even thinking like that.” and that’s all you needed. Gamora was unyielding in terms of her support of you and who you are.

Next stage, which took a very long time for you to be ready for, was telling everyone about your feelings, about how you identify and how you’d like to be referred. Admittedly, you were scared. You were terrified of rejection, but you knew gamora would be right behind you and kick anyones ass that disrespected you. Especially any of the guardians.

You went to groot first, as you feared him the least. Groot was just a innocent baby, and you know he not only would accept you but he wouldn’t even question it. And upon telling him, you were correct. You explained to groot as delicately and as clear as possible that you don’t think you’re a boy, nor a girl, completely. From your understanding, despite the fact groot clearly uses pronouns like he and him to refer to himself, he doesn’t actually have a gender. He does not hold to traditional gender values that you and the other guardians may, so because of this fact groot is completely understanding. In fact for him, it’s common knowledge. It’s clear he doesn’t understand why you’re telling him this, because it should be as obvious as night and day, but regardless he shows his support and you’re thankful for the little tree.

You make him promise not to say anything yet, as you want to tell them first. Especially rocket! And the little guy agrees, albeit a bit confused as to why it’s being made such a big deal.

Next, was Mantis. Mantis is such a sweetheart, you could only hope she would also be supportive of you. If she isn’t, then you know how you feel cannot be possibly right. You feared that, if even Mantis didn’t support you there was truly something wrong with you. After all, Mantis is the one in tune with emotions. She’s the one always encouraging others to be more open about their feelings and being more vulnerable. That no feelings are bad, so long as you don’t act upon them in a negative way. You second guess yourself, as Mantis notices how much your sweating. Typically, when people like you and rocket sweat it is not noticeable, so the fact Mantis is able to notice simply by looking at you, means you’re sweating an unhealthy amount.

However, once you finally come out haha and say it, she seems relieved. “Why do you look so relieved?” you say, finally catching your breath, since you’ve been holding in so much all at once. You look so tired, just from that. Which lets gamora know that this coming out process might take more than just a day. This is something you really have to work towards. “oh, well…” mantis trails off, looking to the side before looking back at you, “I’m just relieved it wasn’t anything serious, that’s all.” her statement makes you feel even more tired. “It was serious!” “Oh…? Really? Well… I am very happy for you y/n! You have finally discovered who you truly are inside, and I’m very proud of you for opening up to me.” she says, and for a moment you forget how scared you are to tell the others. “I love you, you’re a dear friend. You’re family. But…” Mantis trails off again, and you’re almost scared for a moment. “I kinda already knew.” she says, as a matter a factly. “When I touch you, I feel your emotions, as I’ve told you many times.” she starts to explain, “one time I touched you and felt… confusion about gender expression and identity, you see. So I’ve known for quite some time.”

You sigh, “would’ve been great to know that sooner, mantis.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to ruin your … yknow… confession thing. It was very appreciated, I’m glad you trust me with this. I won’t tell the others, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Next on your list was quill, because for as big of an idiot that guy is, gender expression seems to be a huge thing for terrans as far as you know. They even had a whole month dedicated to people like you, and not only that, parades. “Clearly they are people that are celebrated” Gamora states, giving you more reason to open up to her boyfriend about such a matter. While you were a bit nervous, given that you told two other people, your nerves had calmed a bit in comparison to before. But seeing your friend in person, confronting him about these feelings you’ve felt for so long, you curled right back in at yourself. This was such a vulnerable position, and you could possibly be ruining the guardians as a group due to wanting to open up about feelings that can be kept to yourself. This was selfish of you to ruin something for everyone-

Gamora nudges you with her foot, given the height difference between you both she would’ve been unable to do so with her elbow. You shake your head, snapping back into reality. There was no turning back now that you’ve already began the process. You look up at your friend, who was probably expecting the worst given your nervous demeanor. You see the shock on his face as you come forth with what you’ve been wanting to say, and he shakes his head. You almost panic, before you see a smile etch Quills features. “That’s it?!” he asks, “you know I don’t care about stuff like that, y/n.” he says before patting you on the head. “Glad you came and told me though.”

Next, was the lovely drax the destroyer. To be honest, he’s one of the last people you wanted to tell simply because of his big mouth. His opinion was not one you found yourself fearing, and given how accepting everyone’s been so far you found yourself mostly at ease. However you did have to remind yourself of the people you haven’t opened up to yet.

Opening up to him proved to be less difficult, for you’ve known drax to be accepting of his family for all of their weirdness. He has never been overly judgmental. However, he seems to raise a brow at you for this information, making you regret your decision for a brief moment. “Why are you telling me this?” he asks, genuinely. “What do you mean?” you ask in turn, and he continues “has somebody been addressing you any differently?” he asks a second question, “I thought it was simply common knowledge you are not male nor female. Who shall I smash for disrespecting you?” ah, now you understand.

And finally, your boyfriend. The one you were the most nervous about. If this affected any of your relationships with the guardians at all, this was the relationship that would affected the most. Once again, you find yourself extremely nervous. And as gamora noticed, much more nervous than anyone else you’ve had to confront.

“You’ll be fine.” She reassured you. “I’ll be right outside the door” she says, wanting to respect your privacy with your boyfriend. You nod, thanking her before walking in your shared room with rocket. Groot lived in this room too, but he was out and about with quill currently.

As you strike a normal conversation with your boyfriend, he assumes things are as normal. He’s tinkering with something and you’ve come to bother him as per usual. However, something in your demeanor is off to him. He wonders if you’ve done something to possibly upset him, and are trying to break the news to him. Whenever you accidentally broke something of his, you did this. You spoke in that nervous tone and started pacing as you tried to talk about random things with him. It always ended the same. He pretended not to notice and then you’d be ridden with guilt and you’d say “rocket I have something to tell you!”

But he did not expect such urgency in your voice. The way you said it, sounded like it was much more serious. In the past, it sounded more shameful or embarrassed, this time it sounded much more than that. Like the shame and embarrassment was much deeper, stronger, and like you were genuinely afraid to tell him what it was. At that alone, he stands up, now done tinkering with a new potential bomb for him to randomly set up. He looks you in the eyes and nods for you to continue. You take a deep breathe, preparing what you were gonna say to him. You said these exact words to everyone else, it should not be any different with him.

“Rocket. Im non binary.” you simply say, as a matter a factly. “And I understand if that bothers you, but I cannot hide this part of myself any longer.”

In all honestly? He’s never seen you so serious. He can’t help but laugh, and your ears flop down for a moment at the thought of him not only rejecting you, but laughing at you. He shakes his head, “I’m laughing at you for a totally different reason hun.” he says, “I just can’t believe you seemed so scared to tell me something like this.” he laughs a bit more before grabbing your hand. “Listen, I don’t care what you identify as. Be who you are, me and you are surrounded by misfits and you think I’d care about something like this?” he asks, and suddenly you feel stupid. “I love you, as you are. And I always will. Flaws or not. Not that being non binary is even a bad thing anyway.”

You sigh, giving him a genuine smile. “Thanks rocket.”

“Anytime.”

[moo-nstone]

Nikola Stojanovic’s degree theory 

— you can learn more about his theory here and here. he was the maker of this theory, i’m simply passing the knowledge i’ve researched on him in a more simplified way!!! trigger warning for mentions of death and violence for the 11º, the 15º, the 18º and the 22º degrees 

according to nikola’s research, each degree is connected to the sign it rules: 

aries degrees — 1º, 13º, 25º - taking action, fighting spirit, not giving oneself up to fate, struggle, war, can indicate abuse, labor, diligence, leadership, beginnings, etc

taurus degrees — 2º, 14º, 26º - money, food, the earth, stability, luxuries, voice, singing, etc

gemini degrees — 3º, 15º, 27º - communication, gadgets like televisions or phones, self-expression, books, siblings, neighbourhood, etc

cancer degrees — 4º, 16º, 28º - home, nurture, traditions, loyalty, faith, mother, water, etc

leo degrees — 5º, 17º, 29º - attention, life, fame, light, children, creativity, self-expression, monarchs, entertainment, strength, hair, etc

virgo degrees — 6º, 18º - to diminish, to make smaller, improvement, health, work, routine, pets, to be of service, etc

libra degrees — 7º, 19º - fairness, law, business, partnerships, fashion, beauty, charm, luxury items, music, art, etc

scorpio degrees — 8º, 20º - the 8º specifically is connected to death, wealth, to take from others, manifestation, secrets, insurance, sex, jealousy, pregnancy, etc

sagittarius degrees — 9º, 21º - abundance, expansion, wisdom, college, travelling, to explore, etc

capricorn degrees — 10º, 22º - to take control, public attention, coldness, fear, depression, rationality, ambition, father, etc

aquarius degrees — 11º, 23º - divorce, surprises, high places, high tech, new technology, humanitarianism, organizations, friends, networking, etc

pisces degrees — 12º, 24º - sleeping, drugs, alcohol, lethargy, the unconcious + our psyche, emotional dejections, feet, madness, shadows, unclear, endings, etc

0º represents the basic characteristic of the sign - it acts in its purest form. for example, if you have the 0º in aries sun, aries here acts in its most potent, pure way. 

that way, if you, for example, have your ascendant in pisces at the 13º, you’ll express aries characteristics + all that is connected to taking action, to fight. now, knowing this, this theory can manifest itself in different ways. 

i’m going to give an example that he talked about in his website that i found simple to understand yet powerful. when nikola was discussing with another astrologer, he wanted to talk about his degree theory, so he took a look at the birth chart of the wife of the other astrologer, and after a minute of analyzing it, he said as follows: “Your wife called a carpenter to the house and ordered a larger bed to be made. When the carpenter had finished the job, you went to bed and realized that the work was not properly done. One measure was right – the bed was long enough - but the other one wasn't – the bed wasn't wide enough, it was still narrow”. the look the other astrologer gave him told him that his brief analysis was absolutely correct.

his reasoning behind it was that the wife’s 12th house (which rules sleeping, beds, bedrooms) cusp began at the 21º of aries, and the ruler of that house, mars, was at the 6º in virgo. aries simbolizes to create and the 21º, a sagittarius degree, simbolizes to enlarge. so, his wife wanted to create (aries) a larger (sagittarius/jupiter) bed (the 12th house). because mars, the ruler of the 12th house, was placed in virgo (someone who renders services, a worker), she called the carpenter to the house. her mars was, however, in virgo at the 6º which is a virgo degree (virgo simbolizes diminishing, making smaller), which meant the measure of the bed had to be smaller than needed. therefore, the cusp of the 12th house (the bed) at the 21º (sagittarius - larger, longer) signifies that the bed was both long enough (enlarged), and mars in virgo at a virgo degree (6º) meant that it was not wide enough (it was narrow). nikola established connections between degrees, the signs, the planets and the houses where they fell and the aspects that they made in order to make this kind of predictions. 

he also found a few degrees to be connected to significant things. 

THE 2º DEGREE - SUPREME POWER 

nikola, through the research of the birth charts of many people throughout history, observed how those who contained planets, houses and aspects (+lunar nodes, arabic parts, vertex and of course, the four cardinal points: the IC, MC, AC and DC) in the 2º degree were those who made remarkable achievements, who wielded extreme power and were highly respected. he got to this conclusion by analyzing the birth chart of queen victoria - other rulers at the time had more powerful aspects than she did, but allas, they weren’t the ones to almost rule the entire world - it was her, so he began noticing the pattern between power and the 2º. literal jesus himself had his mercury in pisces in the 2º. i myself have four degrees at 2º, so it’s nice to know my dreams of starting a revolution, overthrowing the government and achieving world domination are supported by the astros

THE 5º DEGREE - EROTICISM 

this degree is connected to beauty, desire, sex appeal, receiving sexual attention. many sex icons like marilyn monroe, jean harlow and mata hari had it present in their birth chart. nikola talks about this being the best degree in his eyes. considering that it’s a leo degree, it’s all about living, having fun and enjoying life. 

THE 11º DEGREE - DIVORCE / SUICIDE 

both the 11º and 23º degrees of aquarius indicate divorce, but, according to nikola, the 11º is connected to suicide.

THE 15º DEGREE - CAR ACCIDENTS 

this degree, when connected to scorpio + the 8th house, can indicate car accidents.  

THE 18º DEGREE - PURE EVIL 

simbolizes a bad destiny. to nikola, this is the worst degree you can have. it can indicate rare deseases, tragic accidents. he says there’s no good about this degree but i absolutely disagree. not to be a hopeless optimist or to pretend to possess half the knowledge that he does but i think it’s pretentious to assume that a degree is literally all bad and that there’s nothing we can do about it — that takes away from our free will and our inner strength. Many, many people have this degree present in their charts (i believe nikola had it himself), it’s all about facing hardships but, well, that’s life.

THE 22º DEGREE - TO KILL OR BE KILLED 

nikola has found this degree in the birth charts of murderers + people that were murdered. his significance of “to kill or be killed” is quite literal. now, i want to remind you that this is the worst case scenario and that this degree can manifest itself in many diferent ways - just like the 18º and the 8º. the death can be figurative. for example, donald trump’s chart: he has his sun in 22º, and his mercury in 8º - and I’m afraid he’s quite alive at his old age and kicking it, even if he’s suffered a public destruction. @saintzjenx in her degree theory post talked about how this placement can also indicate abandonment. i agree, i have my sun at 22º in the 10th house (the house of the father) and my father was very emotionally absent + physically as well (his work has him working at other cities during the entire week) 

THE 29º DEGREE - CLAIRVOYANCE/PROGNOSTICISM 

the 29º indicates someone with clairvoyant potential, someone who makes accurate predictions, with great intuition. it’s to note that nikola himself had a 29º in his chart, and that he became known for the predictions he made using the degree theory (for example, he predicted that america would have its first black president ten years before barack obama was elected). but he does like to say that he has absolutely no intuition, though - what prompted him to study the degrees was his virgo rising, acording to him, his need to study and put his brain to work. still, he observed how many clairvoyants had this degree. other astrologers talk about this being a degree that means destruction (and when you analyze trump’s birth chart and how he has his ascendant and his 11th house at the 29º, you can very much argue about the truth behind that theory) but all in all, nikola talks about this degree as benefic. 

in case you’re feeling bad, remember i have the to kill or be killed 22º, plus the 8º of death, plus the 11º of suicide, plus the 23º of divorce, plus two of the 18º of pure evil! let’s suffer together besties. on the upside i have four of the 2º so we riding to eternal glory! 

but now seriously, i know some of this is very hard bc obviously life isn’t all fun and games but. remember that we all have free will, life isn’t determined and having a lot of these in your chart doesn’t mean impending doom!! i have them and i’m very much kicking it and i’m not intending to stop. it’s all about acceptance, learning how to work with even the worst degrees in order to make the best out of them. plus, the degrees can manifest themselves in a lot of different ways and a lot more matters than just them being present - like the signs that they’re in, the aspects with which they make and how harsh they are, the house where they fall etc etc. 

please do take your time to read through his website + to watch the interviews nikola did on youtube!! he was an amazing astrologer whose theory greatly impacted the way astrology is studied today. he’s fun to learn from, too, which is a plus

[kiefbowl]

I have a low quality of attraction to women, it is very weak, I tried for years to "unpack" and "work on" making it stronger but it is not something you can do. does that mean I am a faker and a "spicy straight" who doesn't belong, and that I deserve to be mocked, derided, and treated like shit? because I can't make my SSA magically get stronger by "unpacking internalized homophobia"? I can't change the strength of my desires, it's not something I have control over. Of course it is innate! If it wasn't, I would have experiences like women who do have a stronger innate attraction. but I do not relate at all to women who have a stronger innate attraction to other women, even ones who struggle with internalized homophobia. I think you are making lots of assumptions about what the experience of women like me is actually like. I feel like you think we aren't real and don't exist. I think the kinsey scale is extremely useful because it describes accurately my low level of BOTH quality and quantity of attraction to women.

Okay, so I think this is a good example of why tumblr can be a poor exchange of ideas because people usually only see the most recent posts made about a conversation and have no indication of what kicked off, especially if it was hours ago. So, let me use this ask to just coalesce all the thoughts in one place.

What I've said is that I'm not convinced that people are describing something innate when people express bisexuality with any preferences to one sex or the other. That is not a value judgement. I'm speaking to the fact that external factors influencing their experiences seems a much more viable explanation. I've also detailed my very long held critical view of the Kinsey scale, and have made concessions every time I've mentioned it that someone might find it useful to describe their own experiences, while also detailing that it can be leveraged in ways for people to not come to terms with their innate sexuality. I would hope when saying that, we can recognize I'm talking to the fact that we are living in a homophobic society (which is an external factor, not an internal factor), so it's reasonable to understand that both gay people and bisexual people might have trouble fully accepting their orientation in a variety of ways. Additionally, bisexual people can be homophobic while recognizing they're bisexual, so when a bisexual person expresses more preferences for the other sex rather than the same sex, how can we be sure they're expressing a internal, innate, unchangeable, biological expression of sexuality and not be sure that they're homophobia is affecting that perception of preference?

However, with all this said, my criticisms of the Kinsey scale have little to do with how people use it, and more to do that it's not meaningfully measuring anything. The only thing it "measures" is how people are willing to identify themselves against it when presented with it. That's not scientific, or mathematically relevant, or provides any insight to the data collected by Kinsey. I believe that Kinsey only used it to collect data, by having people self identify on it when researching (which is fine), however as it stands on it's own and as it's very popularly used and referred to today, it's not anything but a self-identifying tool. If you want to use it to self identify yourself with a value, as I've always maintained, that's for you to decide. It's definitely leveraged in pop-queer theory irresponsibly and inaccurately, along with other things like the "split attraction model" which you can see the Kinsey scale's influence. Again, and maybe I'm wrong, I don't think Kinsey designed it for public use, it was just designed for his data collection purposes, which without a data collection study becomes, like I've said, just a self identifying tool by it's own metrics.

When it comes to how YOU, specifically YOU as an individual, I'm not interested in arguing about your orientation, and I never will be. It's rude to think anyone can be more of an expert in someone's else internal life than that person. If you believe your sexual preferences are innate, I obviously can't convince you otherwise. And I never will try directly. I feel entitled to speak on bisexuality because I'm bisexual, but if you think I'm wrong then we agree to disagree. I think orientation is innate, and describes which sex you're capable to be attracted to in relation to your own sex. I don't think anyone can be divorced from their culture or upbringing, which is going to impact how you approach sex and relationships. Ultimately though, when it comes to the sex and relationships you want to have, you can't be wrong for pursuing healthy, satisfying, mutually beneficial love. It doesn't matter to me if external factors are affecting your decisions, because you're allowed to pursue sex with the people you desire. Of course external factors are going to affect your decisions. External factors effect all of us, regardless of our orientation. That doesn't make your choices invalid, like I said this is not a value statement on how you choose to pursue sex and relationships. I'm observing that self identifying a preference as a bisexual is not more convincing as an innate, biological experience rather than be influenced by external factors.

I hope that provides clarity to anything I believe. I'm willing to take more questions about this, if people want.

[dateamonster]

people who say girls in typical slasher horror movies get punished/rewarded for performing masculinity have never seen an actual masculine woman i s2g

like i see you and i see what youre getting at because of course real life women who perform masculinity do get both demonized and fetishized and we can expect that to be mirrored in media, but if you reframe that discussion to be about a conventionally attractive scream queen who happens to have short hair we are never gonna get anywhere

same when we’re talking about horror movies treatment of supposedly hyperfeminine girls too. none of these women, whether the survivor or the victim or (however rarely) the villain, really deviate that far from the ideal standard of feminine appearance and performance. the only way they rly differ is in how they perform it.

the first victims in slashers are punished for performing femininity in the “wrong way” (expressing active interest in appearance, sex, relationships, etc.) they are punished because they do all the things they’re Supposed to do but they do it deliberately and out of self interest. if they’re perceived as masculine, its usually because they’re presenting femininity in a counter-culture way, or because their personality is particularly forceful or abrasive. still fem enough to be desired, but challenging enough to the norm to be detested.

likewise final girls in slashers are rewarded for performing femininity in the “right way”. they are beautiful, their presentation perfectly in line with the fashions and values of the time, but by accident, without trying and without any apparent awareness of the fact. they are presented as sexually available but still virginal and innocent. they are romantic but not clingy. they are strong but not threatening. they are smart and talented but dont show off. all their desirable traits are incidental, and whatever other personality they have is fluid enough to fit into the mold of any audience’s fantasy or self-projection.

thats all it is folks!!

[dirt-cup-draco]

Tethered- Fred x Reader

‘Don’t ever scare me like that again’ kiss with Fred where he lives (I’ve been crying about it lately) xoxo @starofthedawn

Your chest was tied up in knots, eyes burning and bile rising in your throat. The dust that permeated the air felt like gravel in your airways and you couldn’t help the wet cough that slipped past cracked lips. Even as you blinked away the tears that were running out, the world remained blurry and unfocused. 

After all, how could anything make sense when Fred was face down on the cobblestone. Pieces of the castle you two had called home burying him. 

“Lost in my eyes again, Y/N?” Fred asked, a playful tilt to his mouth. You were in the library, head buried in a book and not at all gazing into Fred’s honeyed eyes. You must’ve not heard him come in so when you looked up and saw him you couldn’t help the warmth that blossomed in your chest. 

You liked the way his lips were pulled up by an invisible thread as you finally took notice of him.  It wasn’t quite a smile, but a familiar expression that you held dear to your heart. It was understated, especially for Fred Weasley, but the expression was one of his most sincere. 

“Can’t help the fact you’ve got dreamy eyes, George,” 

“Sod off,” Fred said with no real venom, sitting in the chair beside yours and kicking his feet up onto the table. He was lucky Madam Pince didn’t often come to this corner of the library, otherwise she’d have his head.

You stuck your tongue out at him, even daring to toss a quill at his head- but before you could he caught your hand and held on tight. Your bright grin wavered at the edges but that joy was still blooming in your chest. Suffocation was a sure thing. 

“Everything okay, Freddie?” Voice soft, slow. You understood sometimes he just needed a hand to hold and you wouldn’t let yourself believe it was more than that. What it was, was Fred trusting you and needing you as a friend and that was more than enough. 

He nodded, his eyelids heavy and his demeanor sluggish. He almost seemed like a sleepy cat but you could see the way his shoulders dipped as you posed your question. 

Fred squeezed your hand as he sank down into his chair, knees now drawn to his chest in a protective ball. “Course I am, nothing could ever be wrong when I’ve got you to tether me to what’s good,” 

--

Your knees buckled as you stumbled the last foot to where Fred lay. Unmoving, broken, probably not breathing- You shook your head wildly even as the tears burned and your brain ached. Just like every other wizard, every other soldier at Hogwarts today, you had your fair share of injuries but you felt the pain dull to nothing; Your vision tunneled to the familiar hand that stuck out from the rubble, the feather soft shock of red hair that was visible under all the grey, lifeless stone. 

With a flick of your hand, some of the rubble broke loose and found themselves discarded on the burned and torn up grass ten feet from you. The panic pounding at your ribcage was only eased by the determination you felt to get Fred out of there, alive. There was no other option. 

Waves would stand still without the moon, plants would dry up without water, and you would cease to be anything but a shell without Fred Weasley. 

--

It had been an honest mistake at the time, George had tugged you away after class one day to an empty corridor and nearly begged you to ask Fred and put the both of you out of your “self sabotaging misery”. Problem was, all Katie Bell saw was George whisking you away somewhere private a week before the ball was to commence, both of you dateless. 

By the time you had both gone to the great hall for lunch, your group of friends were deep into speculations. 

“Going to the ball with Y/N then?” Fred fixed George with a look you couldn’t quite decipher but the shock of him thinking such a thing had you missing that usual twitch of his eye when he was aggravated. 

George whipped his head to you in confusion but it went unnoticed when Lee said, “Great! Of course you two got dates before me,” gesturing wildly to the twins. 

All of the confusion had your head spinning but hearing that Fred had a date to the ball made you steady again, the lead pit in your stomach anchoring you. Anyone would be a fool to not want to go with Fred. 

“You’ve got a date?” You said a bit too loudly, eyes narrowed at Fred. 

“Asked Angie,” 

“Yeah, two minutes ago,” She snorted. “Guess he didn’t want George to beat him by too much of a landslide,”  

George let out a too-loud laugh and tossed his arm back over your shoulders. “Take that Lee, we got two of the hottest girls in school to be our dates,” 

“Go with me instead and I’ll buy you as many sugar quills as your heart desires, Y/N” Lee bargained and George swatted him on the back of a head with a faux glare. 

You couldn’t help but snort at Lee’s antics, looking at George with gratitude. You could tell he was trying to talk you up, keep your heart from falling too far. However, his efforts couldn’t completely ease the ache in your chest. You were tethered to Fred and you didn’t think anything could change that. 

--

You’d done your best to completely immobilize Fred when most of the rubble was removed, only some of the smaller chunks of wall now littered over his legs and back. The immobulus charm had to be enough to keep him stable. If he was still alive. 

It was the uncertainty that kept you going in this moment. If there was even a slim chance Fred could be alive, you would do all you could to save him. You refused to lose him and that was that. You wished you could see his chest moving, or any sign of life but he was still too buried and the dust that settled over the battlefield made your eyes unfocused. 

Even though the final battle had ended an hour or more ago, how long had it been since you’d found Fred?, you were shut off from any of the joy that the win could have brought you. If Fred wasn’t going to be there to celebrate then how could you? 

“We’ve got to fix up the shop a-and get butterbeers,” You sniffled, trying to keep your hands from shaking as you worked your way through the rubble. You kept speaking as if holding Fred to his promises would bring him over the threshold and into your waiting arms. 

“You’ve got to give me that birthday present you’ve been bragging about for months, and you’ve got to help me prank Lee for singeing my favorite sweater with one of your fireworks,”

And on and on you went, all of the promises Fred had ever made you falling from your lips as you pulled the last of the rubble from his body. One of his legs and all of the fingers on his right hand were bent at grotesque angles. There was a line of blood that started somewhere behind his hairline and trailed down his temple, dripping off of his jaw and onto the ruins he had nearly become a permanent part of. 

You wouldn’t permit your legs to shake as you stood, the sun being further down in the sky than you remembered. The wave of your wand was light and methodical even as every step towards help weighed you down. 

Time passed you without you taking note, the sun sank beneath the horizon and you stumbled your way through the dark. Eventually, you were taken off guard by the light of someone’s wand. Time caught up to you then as you stared with bleary eyes, trying to recognize the face before you but having a hard time sorting anything in your over exhausted brain. 

“Help him,” Was all you had energy for, before darkness took over. 

--

“...understand how she did it,” 

“...miracle, really,” 

“Poor girl must’ve....” 

Conversations floated around your head as you lay cemented underneath the sheets that you had been securely wrapped in. You wanted nothing more than to swat them away like pesky flies, the voices weren’t loud but to you it was as if someone had put a speaker in the empty space of your skull and turned the volume up as high as it could go. Everything ached. 

“Am I dead?” You croaked, eyelids still too heavy to even attempt opening. 

Immediately, a woman nearly screamed and a cacophony of other voices rose up- both familiar and not. 

“You look like you wish you were,” Someone joked to your left and your eyes snapped open so quickly you became dizzy. You felt frozen in place as honey eyes swept over you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Despite being covered from the chin down you felt as if you were being looked through. A shiver ran down your spine and it was followed by a deep ache that had you groaning despite the emotions bubbling up within you. 

“Damn you Fred,” Was all you had to say before everyone else around you was clearing out. For a split second you felt guilt when you realized your parents as well as the Weasleys had come to stand beside you as you healed. 

“I’ve come back from the brink of death and that’s what you have to say to me?” He teased but his voice was torn to shreds and you had the terrible image in your mind of him screaming for help until he lost consciousness. The blood drained from your face. 

Fred seemed to take notice as he shuffled out of his bed that was right next to yours. He paused at the edge, fumbling for the crutches that were at his bedside. It felt like years the time it took for him to fall into the chair nearest you, his hand stretching for yours. 

You moved pathetically against the sheets but in your weakened state you couldn’t grasp his hand. “Freddie,” You croaked, eyes filling with tears in frustration. You’d thought him dead and now you couldn’t even move a damn blanket to touch him, to make sure this wasn’t a dream. 

“I’m here,” He reassured, moving the sheets on your side gently until your hand was free and you could tangle your fingers with his non-broken hand. 

“How?” 

“I’ve been telling you for years now, you’re my tether. Just when I thought I was going to cross over, I heard you. All the promises we made, and all the chaos we have yet to make, all the things I haven’t said,” Fred’s bottom lip trembled as he brushed his thumb over your scabbed knuckles. You were faintly aware of a needle in your forearm, attached to an IV but all that mattered was the warmth you felt from Fred. 

“You could break them all and I’d still be counting my lucky stars that you’re here,” You cried, falling into a coughing fit. Fred was quick to press a still cold glass of water into your hands and help you sit up even from his place on his chair. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” He promised, hand remaining at the back of your neck as he settled you against your pillows. That genuine not-smile was back and you chewed on your lip to keep from crying again. You still weren’t sure he was here so any reminder that it was really him had you at a breaking point. 

“Can you make me one more promise then?” You caught his gaze but found you couldn’t hold it, the intensity making your stomach swoop and your heart pound against your rattled ribcage. 

Fred had yet to move, his hand steady behind you and his face close. Your noses were nearly touching as he said, “Anything.” 

“Don’t scare me like that ever again,” 

You chanced one more look at him, eyes wide and pleading. You were going to make him promise on everything in him but the rest of your words were lost when you stumbled over the loud adoration in his eyes. As if on autopilot, you removed your hand from his to brush your fingertips against a gash on his cheek. 

“Never again,” He whispered, frozen in place. He didn’t dare move when you let your movements wander over his lips, taking your time before you let your hand fall against the junction of where his shoulder met his neck. Beneath the collar of the hospital gown you could see garish bruising that only served as another reminder you’d almost lost him. 

That was enough to remind you that there was much unsaid between you and the man you loved. You could feel his shaky breath, his hand squeezing yours just enough that you felt the reassuring pressure. When you took your third look at those eyes, you knew. 

You moved at the same time, in tune to one another in a way you always have been. It was with a sigh that your lips met, frightened and curious and wonderful. You were careful of his head would as you played with the hair at the back of his neck and he made sure not to move you anymore than tilting your head to slot your lips against his at a better angle. 

Fred pulled away when his smile dared to take over his face but you couldn’t complain about the loss when you could feel his pulse beating strongly against your fingers, his chest moving steadily with life. 

“I’m just as tied to you as you are to me,” You laughed softly, in disbelief. 

Fred looked surprised for all but a second before he was placing his lips against yours, cautious but deliriously happy. 

Waves swayed with the moon, plants flourished with water, and you were never far from Fred Weasley. Each were tethered to their counterpart and nothing could change it. 

[luvyanfei]

anon said. how about fluffy hcs with xiao, zhongli and xingqui taking their s/o out on a first date?

XIAO.

he already finds it difficult just to ask you to hold him without losing his cool, so how can he possibly bring up the idea of inviting you on a date? actually, he probably never knew the word ‘date’ even existed until he heard a passing couple staying over at wangshu inn dreamily talking about how they wish they could go to see the lantern rite festival in liyue harbor together for their first date. a first date, huh? now that he thinks about it, xiao never did properly try to court you, did he? it was always you who approached him first, who held your hand out to him, who confessed that you love him. you’re already giving so much dedication in this relationship. it’s the least he can do to return your affections, not just because he’s feeling a bit indebted, but because he’s your lover. unfortunately, being the awkward yaksha that he is, xiao overthinks the situation and complicates it more than he should.

every chance he gets is blown up by his anxiousness. whenever you come and visit him at the inn, you almost think that he’s angry with you from the way he throws you vicious glares. unbeknownst to you, xiao is actually making that tense face because he’s trying very hard, too hard in fact, to think of the best way to ask you out on a date and seeing you just makes him all the more nervous. he regrets it every time you step into the elevator while giving him a goodbye wave and saying you’ll come visit again. sure, he gets another chance to try and ask you out again, but he also has another chance to fail as well.

when you visit him for lunch, xiao quickly rehearses the words he wants to say to you in the back of his head before coming to greet you. ‘i overheard from a guest in the inn talking about a lantern rite festival. if you mortal, no, [name], desires to go, i can possibly set aside time to accompany you.’ keep it cool, yet short. taking a deep breath to compose himself, xiao walks over to greet you, er, well actually, you’re the one doing the greeting instead, and you settle down to eat. the sweet taste of the almond tofu that you generously bought for him blossoms in his mouth and he loses track of time till your departure. before you leave once more to allow the poor yaksha to wallow in his self-regret again, you stop yourself and turn around to face xiao. tucking your hair behind your ear and giving your best, most radiant smile you can offer to him, you shyly ask if he’d like to tag along with you to the lantern rite festival. “we’ve never been on a date before and i’d love to go to the festival with you and release xiao lanterns together.”

... what? how? his mouth almost opens up in disbelief, as he struggles to keep a stoic expression. ex-excuse him?! that’s supposed to be his line! he’s in shock at how easily you were able to say something that he’s been having trouble sputtering out. you mortals never fail to surprise him. he shakes his head and bitterly scowls, that you almost step back in fright. almost, until he starts speaking, that is. “why is it you? i should have been the one to ask you on a date first, not you!” he’s almost on the brink of tears from the frustration he currently holds on himself. 

a relationship is always about give and take, no? it’s like when zhongli has so kindly decided to save him from the clutches of the cruel abuse he endured endlessly, of course he was forever in debt to rex lapis. surely, it’s the same with you, isn’t it? when xiao tells you this, you immediately start laughing. you calmly explain to him that your relationship isn’t like a form of contract where he’s expected to always repay you back for every gift you give to him. as long as he’s there for you, that’s more than enough of a reward, you say, before plopping a chaste kiss to his cheek.  

“finally, you’re here. what took you so long?” xiao speaks to you with indifference concealing the relief that you actually came. he trails his sharp eyes to inspect your dressed up form and blushes slightly. “you look nice.”

immediately, your eyes widen at his underhanded compliment. did- did you hear that right? biting his lower lip gently, xiao clasps your hand in his, ignoring your astounded reaction, as he squeezes it reassuringly while watching the colourful fireworks light up the murky night.

without thinking, he turns to you when you’re focused on the display of bursting lights reflecting in your eyes, and murmurs to himself softly, “i hope you’ll spend the rest of your time with me, for however long it’ll last.”

XINGQIU.

of course, a date with xingqiu has to be extravagant and sophisticated to the last touch, right? guess again. he may come from a wealthy family, but that doesn’t mean he shares the same interest a selfish, pampered noble may have. he prefers something more simple, yet sentimental. confined in his household with nothing to do but bury his head in a book, he’s picked up some ideas for your date from the romance stories he’s read. surprisingly, they’re all rather cliché.  

the first thing he makes you guys do is go out in the blazing summer day to get yourselves a cool beverage. he explicitly asks the cashier to give him one straw [do they even exist in the game?] and smiles slyly as he thanks them and brings the drinks to you. when you ask about it, thinking that maybe he forgot, all he does is smirk before saying, “there’s no need, my liege. we can share, unless you’d rather melt in the sweltering sun, that is.” he winks teasingly. you... don’t really have much of a choice in the matter. as you stroll around the harbor together, you take turns drinking from the only straw and a wave of consciousness washes over you gradually. wait, isn’t this like an indirect kiss? you place a hand to your gaping mouth after sucking on the straw that xingqiu pressed his lips on merely seconds ago. you should know by now, how bold he is underneath his polite façade. 

after you finish sipping your drink - tediously at that, you both agree on going to the library to read books together since the heat is pretty unbearable to do anything enjoyable. xingqiu recommends you to try reading some of his personal favorites and you do the same as well. he’s thrilled to have a reading buddy now since it’s boring being here by himself. 

while you’re immersed in the novel that you randomly picked from the bookshelf, every now and then, xingqiu will look up from the pages of his book and faintly smile to himself, glad that you’re enjoying yourself.

the sun was setting and the stars started to appear in the pastel pink and orange of the evening sky. you place back the last book and stretch your arms, before turning to xingqiu. sighing, you give him a quick goodbye kiss on the cheek and softly say your farewell.

as you’re about to make your leave for the day, xingqiu halts you with his words, “wait. there’s something i need to do before we can end this date.” nonchalantly, he plucks a book from its shelf, opens its pages, and uses it to block the sunlight drifting through the transparent window glass, effectively shielding his vision from the public eye as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss.

his free hand finds its way combing through the back of your head to deepen the kiss. when he’s satisfied enough, the boy detaches his lips from yours and lightly rubs the flesh of your cheek with a finger, while placing the book down on a nearby table. you keep your eyes fixated on him as he licks the edges of his lips.

“that felt nice,” xingqiu murmurs, “you’re so sweet, i’d hate for anyone else to savor in this pleasant moment with you other than i. shall we continue this again on our next date too?”

ZHONGLI.

the first thing he does is make sure to bring mora, this time. it would be highly inconsiderate of mr. zhongli to have you pay for the expenses of this fine date. he’s one to take things nice and slow. sure, time is unfortunately measured and limited, but he wants to make the most of it with you, a mortal who, just like any other being, has a beginning and end to your life. zhongli wants to shower you in all the beauty and joy this world has to offer while you’re still here with him.

he may be a gentle-spoken and polite individual, but please don’t mistaken him as being shy in any way. he shows up to your residence one afternoon and presents you a bouquet of your preferred flowers while he asks if you would consider accompanying him on a date. you take the bundled up flowers, carefully stroking a petal as if it’s made of fragile glass and accepts his proposal with open arms. 

he takes you out to an expensive restaurant in the night of liyue and helps you select the best dishes. after you’re finished with your lavish and sophisticated meals, zhongli ushers you outside where you’re greeted with fresh air, a contrast to the suffocation you felt back at the restaurant. sure, the place is grand and your hunger is well-satiated, yet despite wearing your best clothing, you felt out of place there, like a commoner surrounded by nobles. 

when you express your earlier discomfort to zhongli, his eyes are filled with shame and he’s already apologizing like the gentleman he is. guiltily, you tell him it’s fine and you ask if you can show him something before you have to head on home. he ponders in thought before agreeing, walking hand in hand with you to your unknown destination. 

the chilling night breeze bites at your bare skin as you instantly shiver. this doesn’t go unnoticed in zhongli’s sharp eyes and he’s already unbuttoning his jacket. he drapes the coat over your shoulder blades and rubs his gloved hands on your cold fingertips to preserve warmth. “are you feeling cold perhaps? maybe we should head back?” you stop him before he can guide you back to the harbor. 

“i’m okay now. thank you for your concern.” you say to ease his poor mind. he nods and you both continue on. the walk uphill takes a while, but it’s worth it when you finally reach the top. your eyes widen in amazement as you witness the glimmering stars splayed across the pitch darkness of the sky. “zhongli, look. do you like it?” he simply nods, but all of his attention is focused on you.

zhongli grins down at your childishly excited face, pausing for a hesitant minute before he carefully places his hands on top of your shoulders. you look up at him in confusion and is about to question him, but any sound that comes out is cut off by his lips ensnaring yours in a kiss. you’re astounded by his intimate move, but you revel in his touch in a matter of seconds. 

he hopes, as he tightens his hold, that you’ll stay with him always, till your last breath. 

tagging. @scarymoosh

[oscopelabs]

Isn’t Everything Autobiographical?: Ethan Hawke In Nine Films And A Novel by Marya Gates

When asked during his first ever on-camera interview if he’d like to continue acting, a young Ethan Hawke replied, “I don’t know if it’s going to be there, but I’d like to do it.” He then gives a guileless shrug of relief as the interview ends, wiping imaginary sweat off his brow. The simultaneous fusion of his nervous energy and poised body language will be familiar to those who’ve seen later interviews with the actor. The practicality and wisdom he exudes at such a young age would prove to be a through-line of his nearly 40-year career. In an interview many decades later, he told Ideas Tap that many children get into acting because they’re seeking attention, but those who find their calling in the craft discover that a “desire to communicate and to share and to be a part of something bigger than yourself takes over, a certain craftsmanship—and that will bring you a lot of pleasure.”

Through Hawke’s dedication to his craft, we’ve also seen his maturation as a person unfold on screen. Though none of his roles are traditionally what we think of when we think of autobiography, many of Hawke’s roles, as well as his work as a writer, suggest a sort of fictional autobiographical lineage. While these highlights in his career are not strictly autofiction, one can trace Hawke’s Künstlerromanesque trajectory from his childhood ambitions to his life now as a man dedicated to art, not greatness. 

Hawke’s first two films, Joe Dante’s sci-fi fantasy Explorers with River Phoenix and Peter Weir’s Dead Poets Society with Robin Williams, set the tone for a diverse filmography filled with popcorn fare and indie cinema in equal measure, but they also served as touchstones in his development as person drawn to self-expression through art. In an interview with Rolling Stone’s David Fear, Hawke spoke about the impact of these two films on him as an actor. When River Phoenix, his friend and co-star in Explorers, had his life cut short by a drug overdose, it hit Hawke personally. He saw from the inside what Hollywood was capable of doing to young people with talent. Hawke never attempted to break out, to become a star. He did the work he loved and kept the wild Hollywood lifestyle mostly at arm’s length. 

Like any good film of this genre, Dead Poets Society is not just a film about characters coming of age, but a film that guides the viewer as well, if they are open to its message. Hawke’s performance as repressed schoolboy Todd in the film is mostly internal, all reactions and penetrating glances, rather than grandiose movements or speeches. Through his nervy body language and searching gaze, you can feel both how closed off to the world Todd is, and yet how willing he is to let change in. Hawke has said working on this film taught him that art has a real power, that it can affect people deeply. This ethos permeates many of the characters Hawke has inhabited in his career. 

In Dead Poets Society, Mr. Keating (Robin Williams) tells the boys that we read and write poetry because the human race is full of passion. He insists, “poetry, beauty, romance, love—these are what we stay alive for.” Hawke gave a 2020 TEDTalk entitled Give Yourself Permission To Be Creative, in which he explored what it means to be creative, pushing viewers to ask themselves if they think human creativity matters. In response to his own question, he said “Most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about poetry, right? They have a life to live and they’re not really that concerned with Allen Ginsberg’s poems, or anybody’s poems, until their father dies, they go to a funeral, you lose a child, somebody breaks your heart, they don’t love you anymore, and all of the sudden you’re desperate for making sense out of this life and ‘has anyone ever felt this bad before? How did they come out of this cloud?’ Or the inverse, something great. You meet somebody and your heart explodes. You love them so much, you can’t even see straight, you know, you’re dizzy. ‘Did anybody feel like this before? What is happening to me?’ And that’s when art is not a luxury. It’s actually sustenance. We need it.” 

Throughout many of his roles post-Dead Poets Society, Hawke explores the nature of creativity through his embodiment of writers and musicians. Often these characters are searching for a greater purpose through art, while ultimately finding that human connection is the key. Without that human connection, their art is nothing.

We see the first germ of this attraction to portray creative people on screen with his performance as Troy Dyer in Reality Bites. As Troy Dyer, a philosophy-spouting college dropout turned grunge-band frontman in Reality Bites, Hawke was posited as a Gen-X hero. His inability to keep a job and his musician lifestyle were held in stark contrast to Ben Stiller’s yuppie TV exec Michael Grates. However in true slacker spirit, he isn’t actually committed to the art of music, often missing rehearsals, as Lelaina points out. Troy even uses his music at one point to humiliate Lelaina, dedicating a rendition of “Add It Up” by Violent Femmes to her. The lyrics add insult to injury as earlier that day he snuck out of her room after the two had sex for the first time. Troy’s lack of commitment to his music matches his inability to commit to those relationships in his life that mean the most to him. 

Reality Bites is also where he first positioned himself as one of the great orators of modern cinema.” Take this early monologue, in which he outlines his beliefs to Winona Ryder’s would-be documentarian Lelaina Pierce: “There’s no point to any of this. It’s all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know, a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle, and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.” 

Hawke brings the same intense gaze to this performance as he did to Dead Poets Society, as if his eyes could swallow the world whole. But where Todd’s body language was walled-off, Troy’s is loud and boisterous. He’s quick to see the faults of those around him, but also the good things the world has to offer. It’s a pretty honest depiction of how self-centered your early-20s tend to be, where riding your own melt seems like the best option. As the film progresses, Troy lets others in, saying to Lelaina, “This is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You, me and five bucks.”

Like the character, Hawke was in his early twenties and as he would continue to philosophize through other characters, they would age along with him and so would their takes on the world. If you only engage with anyone at one phase in their life, you do a disservice to the arc of human existence. We have the ability to grow and change as we learn who we are and become less self-centered. In Hawke’s career, there’s no better example of this than his multi-film turn as Jesse in the Before Trilogy. While the creation of Jesse and Celine are credited to writer-director Richard Linklater and his writing partner Kim Krizan, much of what made it to the screen even as early as the first film were filtered through the life experiences of Hawke and his co-star Julie Delpy. 

In a Q&A with Jess Walter promoting his most recent novel A Bright Ray of Darkness, Hawke said that Jesse from the Before Trilogy is like an alt-universe version of himself, and through them we can see the self-awareness and curiosity present in the early ET interview grow into the the kind of man Keating from Dead Poets Society urged his students to become. 

In Before Sunrise, Hawke’s Jesse is roughly the same age as Troy in Reality Bites, and as such is still in a narcissistic phase of his life. After spending several romantic hours with Celine in Vienna, the two share their thoughts about relationships. Celine says she wants to be her own person, but that she also desperately wants to love and be loved. Jesse shares this monologue, “Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly, like it would ruin my whole life. And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because. . . I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself, I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.”

The film ends without the audience knowing if Jesse and Celine ever see each other again. That initial shock is unfortunately now not quite as impactful if you are aware of the sequels. But I think it is an astute look at two people who meet when they are still discovering who they are. Still growing. Jesse, at least, is definitely not ready for any kind of commitment. Then of course, we find out in Before Sunset that he’s fumbled his way into marriage and fatherhood, and while he’s excelling at the latter, he’s failing at the former. 

As in Reality Bites, Hawke explores the dynamics of band life again in Before Sunset, when Jesse recalls to Celine how he was in a band, but they were too obsessed with getting a deal to truly enjoy the process of making music. He says to her, “You know, it's all we talked about, it was all we thought about, getting bigger shows, and everything was just...focused on the future, all the time. And now, the band doesn't even exist anymore, right? And looking back at the... at the shows we did play, even rehearsing... You know, it was just so much fun! Now I'd be able to enjoy every minute of it.”

The filming of Before Sunset happened to coincide with the dissolution of Hawke’s first marriage. And while these films are not autobiographical, everyone involved have stated that they’ve added personal elements to their characters. They even poke fun at it in the opening scene when a journalist asks how autobiographical Jesse’s novel is. True to form, he responds with a monologue, “Well, I mean, isn’t everything autobiographical? I mean, we all see the world through our own tiny keyhole, right? I mean, I always think of Thomas Wolfe, you know. Have you ever seen that little one page note to reader in the front of Look Homeward, Angel, right? You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, he says that we are the sum of all the moments of our lives, and that, anybody who sits down to write is gonna use the clay of their own life, that you can’t avoid that.”

While Before Sunset was shot in 2003, released in 2004 and this monologue refers to the fictional book within the trilogy entitled This Time, Hawke would take this same approach more than a decade later with his novel A Bright Ray of Darkness.

In the novel, Hawke crafts a quasi-autobiographical story, using his experience in theater to work through the perspective he now has on his failed marriage to Uma Thurman. Much like Jesse in Before Sunset, Hawke is reluctant to call the book autobiographical, but the parallels to his own divorce are evident. And as Jesse paraphrased Wolfe, isn’t everything we do autobiographical? In the book, movie star William Harding has blown up his seemingly picture-perfect marriage with a pop star by having an affair while filming on location in South Africa. The book, structured in scenes and acts like a play, follows the aftermath as he navigates his impending divorce, his relationship with his small children, and his performance as Hotspur in a production of Henry IV on Broadway. 

Throughout much of the novel, William looks back at the mistakes he made that led to the breakup of his marriage. He’s now in his 30s and has the clarity to see how selfish he was in his 20s. Hawke, however, was in his forties while writing the book. Through the layers of hindsight, you can feel how Hawke has processed not just the painful emotional growth spurt of his 20s, but also the way he can now mine the wisdom that comes from true reflection. Still, as steeped as the novel is in self-reflection, it does not claim to have all the answers. In fact, it offers William, as well as the readers, more questions to contemplate than it does answers.

The wisdom to know that you will never quite understand everything is broached by Hawke early in the third film in the Before Trilogy, 2013’s Before Midnight. At this point in their love story, Jesse’s marriage has ended and he and Celine are parents to twin girls. Jesse has released two more books: That Time, which recounts the events of the previous film, and Temporary Cast Members of a Long-Running But Little Seen Production of a Play Called Fleeting. Before Midnight breaks the bewitching spell of the first two films by adding more cast members and showing the friction that comes with an attempt to grow old with someone. When discussing his three books, a young man says the title of his third is too long, Jesse says it wasn’t as well loved, and an older professor friend says it’s his best book because it’s more ambitious. It seems Linklater and company already knew how the departure of this third film might be regarded by fans. But it is this very departure that shows their commitment to honestly showing the passage of time and our relationship to it. 

About halfway through the film Jesse and Celine depart the Greek villa where they have been spending the summer, and we finally get a one-on-one conversation like we’re used to with these films. In one exchange, I feel they summarize the point of the entire trilogy, and possibly Hawke’s entire ethos: 

Jesse: Every year, I just seem to get a little bit more humbled and more overwhelmed about all the things I’m never going to know or understand. 

Celine: That’s what I keep telling you. You know nothing!

Jesse: I know, I know! I'm coming around! 

[Celine and Jesse laugh.] 

Celine: But not knowing is not so bad. I mean, the point is to be looking, searching. To stay hungry, right?

Throughout the series, Linklater, Delpy, and Hawke explore what they call the “transient nature of everything.” Jesse says his books are less about time and more about perception. It’s the rare person who can assess themselves or the world around them acutely in the present. For most of us, it takes time and self-reflection to come to any sort of understanding about our own nature. Before Midnight asks us to look back at the first two films with honesty, to remove the romantic lens with which they first appeared to us. It asks us to reevaluate what romance even truly is. 

Hawke explores this same concept again in the 2018 romantic comedy Juliet, Naked. In this adaptation of the 2009 Nick Hornby novel, Hawke plays a washed-up singer-songwriter named Tucker Crowe. He had a big hit album, Juliet, in the early ‘90s and then disappeared into obscurity. Rose Bryne plays a woman named Annie whose longtime boyfriend Duncan is obsessed with the singer and the album, stuck on the way the bummer songs about a bad breakup make him feel. As the film begins, Annie reveals that she thinks she’s wasted 15 years of her life with this schmuck. This being a rom-com, we know that Hawke and Byrne’s characters will eventually meet-cute. What’s so revelatory about the film is its raw depiction of how hard it is for many to reassess who they really are later in life. 

Duncan is stuck as the self-obsessed, self-pitying person he likely was when Annie first met him, but she reveals he was so unlike anyone else in her remote town that she looked the other way for far too long. Now it’s almost too late. By chance, she connects with Crowe and finds a different kind of man.

See, when Crowe wrote Juliet, he also was a navel-gazing twentysomething whose emotional development had not yet reached the point of being able to see both sides in a romantic entanglement. He worked through his heartbreak through art, and though it spoke to other people, he didn’t think about the woman or her feelings on the subject. In a way, Crowe’s music sounds a bit like what Reality Bites’s Troy Dyer may have written, if he ever had the drive to actually work at his music. Eventually, it’s revealed that Crowe walked away from it all when Julie, the woman who broke his heart, confronted him with their child—something he was well aware of, but from which he had been running away. Faced with the harsh reality of his actions and the ramifications they had on the world beyond his own feelings, he ran even farther away from responsibility. In telling the story to Annie, he says, “I couldn’t play any of those songs anymore, you know? After that, I just... I couldn’t play these insipid, self-pitying songs about Julie breaking my heart. You know, they were a joke. And before I know it, a couple of decades have gone by and some doctor hands me... hands me Jackson. I hold him, you know, and I look at him. And I know that this boy. . . is my last chance.”

When we first meet Crowe, he’s now dedicated his life to raising his youngest son, having at this point messed up with four previous children. The many facets of parenthood is something that shows up in Hawke’s later body of work many times, in projects as wholly different as Brooklyn’s Finest, Before Midnight, Boyhood, Maggie’s Plan, First Reformed, and even his novel A Bright Ray of Darkness. In each of these projects, decisions made by Hawke’s characters have a big impact on their children’s lives. These films explore the financial pressures of parenthood, the quirks of blended families, the impact of absent fathers, and even the tragedy of a father’s wishes acquiesced without question. Hawke’s take on parenthood is that of flawed men always striving to overcome the worst of themselves for the betterment of the next generation, often with mixed results. 

Where Juliet, Naked showed a potential arc of redemption for a father gone astray, First Reformed paints a bleaker portrait. Hawke plays Pastor Toller, a man of the cloth struggling with his own faith who attempts to counsel an environmental activist whose impending fatherhood has driven him to suicidal despair. Toller himself is struggling under the weight of fatherhood, believing he sent his own son to die a needless death in a morally bankrupt war. Sharing the story, he says “My father taught at VMI. I encouraged my son to enlist. It was the family tradition. Like his father, his grandfather. Patriotic tradition. My wife was very opposed. But he enlisted against her wishes. . . .  Six months later he was killed in Iraq. There was no moral justification for this conflict. My wife could not live with me after that. Who could blame her? I left the military. Reverend Jeffers at Abundant Life Church heard about my situation. They offered me a position at First Reformed. And here I am.” How do we carry the weight of actions that affect lives that are not even our own? 

If Peter Weir set the father figure template in Dead Poets Society, and Paul Schrader explored the consequences of direct parental influence on their children’s lives, director Richard Linklater subverts the idea of a mentor-guide in Boyhood, showing both parents are as lost as the kid himself. When young Mason (Ellar Coltrane) asks his dad (Hawke) what’s the point of everything, his reply is “I sure as shit don’t know. Nobody does. We’re all just winging it.” As the film ends, Mason sits atop a mountain with a new friend he’s made in the dorms discussing time. She says that everyone is always talking about seize the moment—carpe diem!—but she thinks it’s the other way around. That the moments seize us. In Reality Bites, Troy gets annoyed at Lelaina’s constant need to “memorex” everything with her camcorder, yet Boyhood is a film about capturing a life over a 12-year period. The Before Trilogy checks in on Jesse and Celine every nine years. Hawke’s entire career. in fact, has captured his growth from an awkward teen to a prolific artist and devoted father, a master of his craft and philosopher at heart. 

[classpect-crew]

Hope and Rage: Narrative Engagement

I've talked quite a bit about Hope and Rage on this blog in the past, but I've stumbled upon something recently that I think puts a different spin on these two Aspects. I think it's quite fortunate we have a few different Classes to look at with regards to both Aspects, so I'll dive in with a quick summary of what I mean to get us started.

Hope and Rage are the Aspect pair that deals with emotions, belief, and one's range of options. However, they also represent something a bit more abstract: one's willingness to engage with a narrative. Now, this is something that applies if we're going with the interpretation that each Aspect also represents a concept in storytelling. (This is explained very well by both optimisticDuelist and Tex Talks on YouTube, both of whom you should absolutely check out if you haven't already.) What does this really mean, though? I argue that Hope represents getting sucked into a narrative and willingly embracing it, while Rage represents rejecting that narrative and actively mocking it. Hope is eulogy: Rage is satire.

In the comic, we see this most clearly in Jake, whose role as a Page of Hope pretty much dictates a strong relationship with his Aspect. He is theatrical and presents himself as someone who loves zany adventures and getting into scrums. When he speaks, he's like the unholy cross between an action film protagonist and a wealthy, antiquated gentleman. Later on in the story, we see counters to this narrative of who he is and what he truly enjoys. Jake seems to chew the scenery every time we see him, to the point of annoyance by others, and he seems to believe the spotlight is always focused on him. It's not necessarily out of pride, either, but rather his solitary lifestyle that gives him a sort of "protagonist complex," so to speak. All of this fits into what I've been describing: Jake is entrenched in his own narrative identity, built up from all the media he's consumed, and he embraces it as a way to escape from his current reality.

Heroes of Hope are empowered with the ability to affect their reality based on their own strong-held beliefs. It's the ultimate confidence in one's own abilities, taken to a ridiculous extreme. One of the most important themes of Homestuck is that each character is creating their own reality: Hope players do so in a very literal way. The stories they relate to and begin to live through start to impress themselves upon reality, and the players embrace it further. As long as their belief remains firm, this cycle continues.

We do see the very same theatrics and flamboyance in Eridan, who plays into his fantasies about killing the landdwellers. He engages with this aspect of Hope, just like Jake does. Yet, as the Prince of Hope, he also quite literally destroys the narrative set out for him when he begins his genocide of the angels on his planet. He later comes into conflict with the optimistic narrative of the other trolls, believing that their one way forward is to join Jack Noir. He then destroys the Matriorb in an attempt to tear apart the possibility of that story becoming reality. (Granted, he fails, because Life, uh, finds a way.) We also see the same traits in Cronus, though he has even stronger ties to Hope at the beginning of his own story. For much of his life, he fully believed in his own legacy, basically being Troll Harry Potter. Although he was convinced at some point to completely give up these beliefs, this was a big part of the narrative he wholeheartedly accepted. He now carries the perspective that he's "humankin," even dressing the part, and this new narrative has become what he engages with.

Now, Rage is a bit tougher to explain directly, since we don't have any Heroes of Rage who aren't a Destroyer Class, but we can still speculate based on what we know from the comic. Rage, broadly, is an Aspect that is drawn on when a character shows utter contempt for a narrative that's playing out. We see this extremely clearly when Caliborn is quite literally smashing around the terminal through which Hussie is speaking to him to explain his Quest, or his general frustrations at the idea that he must undertake a Hero's Journey, wishing to simply skip ahead to the point where he can fulfill his desire for power. We also see this during John's exploration of Homosuck, when Caliborn's unbelievably shitty storytelling and art skills lead John to express outright disgust and anger by the end.

When we look at a character like Gamzee, however, his relationship to this is a bit different. At the beginning of his story, he fully believes in the power of miracles and rejects other explanations for how everyday, mundane things happen, such as the fizz in sodas. He's absolutely indulging in a narrative as he allows the Rage in himself to melt away. As soon as the bubble bursts and Murderstuck begins, though, he stands once again on the razor's edge of his Aspect, but on the other side this time. He fully embraces his legacy of the mirthful messiahs being him (and also him) in a self-deifying way that seems to be toying with the protagonist complex of Hope, while also blaspheming his own religion in a way that echoes Rage. Gamzee begins to go off and do his own weird, bloody things. (Side note: the idea that Gamzee erupted into a fit of fury (Rage) when Dave showed him the ICP video where his religion (Hope) was being mocked (Rage) and seemed ready to start a one-man crusade (Hope) shows further how interlocked these opposites are in our resident Bard.)

I'll speak briefly on Kurloz, because I've got to keep things even, but dear lord, this is becoming quite long. Kurloz is obviously extremely faithful to the religion of his bloodline, even moreso than Gamzee at times, which leads to a humorous scene in one walkaround when Kurloz is attempting to show extreme reverence and speak in prose with Gamzee, who gets quickly fed up and cuts him off, all business. His dedication to Lord English is obvious, and he often seems to showcase more traits associated with Hope than Rage. Of course, this is intended in his role as a Prince, though his destruction of Hope is clearly seen in his ability to convince Cronus to give up his belief in his destiny to destroy Lord English.

To make a long story longer, Hope and Rage represent how one engages with their own story and the expectations placed on them by their role. Hope players embrace these wholeheartedly and seek to impress them onto reality, which rushes to meet them as their powers develop. Rage players reject and mock the reality that would box them in, laughing in the face of such audacity, and go off to do their own thing. It's a complete inverse from the Aspects' method of problem-solving, where Hope players tend toward open-mindedness and the ever-present Plan B, and Rage players limit their perspective to break through whatever obstacles dare to challenge them. Hope is Romanticism. Rage is Dadaism.

[ktffansub]

Bijutsu Techo: Boys Love – Interview: Yoneda Kou

This article was first published in November 17th, 2014. Translated from Japanesse to Bahasa Indonesia by kalengjelek and then translated from Bahasa Indonesia to English by KTFfansub. Source: here

When did you first encounter manga?

I was born in a family with three daughters; while my older sister likes reading Ribbon magazine, I like reading Nakayoshi. It was the era of Asagiri Yuu-sensei, when I was in elementary school. My favorite at that time were Kusunoki Kei sensei’s works and Patlabor. When it came to Shonen, I would say I was more into Shounen Sunday. I also loved Kawaraha Izumi sensei’s works. When I think about it, rather than manga that were full of passion, I’d actually prefer manga that had calm and soothing kind of vibe.

Is that so… What about BL?

When I was in Junior High, my older sister showed me Captain Tsubasa Doujinshi by Ozaki Minami and I was dumbfounded, I thought, “So, there’s also a world like this!”. After that, I started to buy BL manga. At that time, the mangaka who left the most impression to me was Nishi Keikosensei. Her works such as Mizu Ga Koori Ni Naru Toki, Tenshi Ni Naranakya have unique openings, it made me reread them many times. Uida Shiuko (now Kano Shiuko) and Yoshinaga Fumi Sensei are also my favorite mangaka.

When was the first time you draw manga?

I seriously began drawing manga in my first year of junior high. At first, I drew a pair of man and woman, but after page three, I felt something was off. So, I tried drawing BL for the next one. Just like the present, I’ve always loved less expressive and less-talkactive main characters (laughs). But the more I draw, then an attentive senpai with good personality and short haired ones like Togawa in Doushitemo Furetakunai also appeared. At that moment I thought, “Oh, this is it!”

You really weren’t embarrassed, are you? (laughs)

Well, it’s because it was embarrassing, that’s why I’m not really open about my drawing manga activity.

(laughs) But you debut as professional mangaka eventually, how did that happen?

Yes, after that… I worked as office lady. I got married not long after, but then, I was getting through a marriage blues. At that time, I was invested in Kakashi and Naruto shown by my older sister along with Comiket catalogue.

The power of moe beats out your anxiety (laughs)

It’s true (laughs). Escaping from reality, I checked a lot of circles and opened some sites. There I found a work from a novelist (now has debuted professionally) that I really liked. This is why I started writing novel at first, not drawing. I have a lot of ways to accommodate my moe needs. I also once drew Doujinshi but due to my inability to use a proper diction, the result wasn’t optimal (laughs). After drawing slowly and more at ease, I got into Katekyo Hitman Reborn fandom and drew a lot of doujinshi for that series. A year later, I was contacted by Taiyou Tosho publisher.

“With that publisher, Yoneda Kou published Doushitemo Furetakunai which has been adapted into a movie. Since the beginning, Yoneda Kou didn’t draw one-shot but serialization. For the movie, even though it only tells a story of daily lives, but the directing, composition and dialogue are impressive. About 4,5 years later, the second volume of Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai that had the yakuza neighborhood setting was released. This has completely different feeling compared to Doushitemo Furetakunai.”

My first work was actually published in Drap, so I had it adjusted to be a less-heavy work. That’s why I ended up switching to another magazine.

Was it a demand from the editor?

Of course I only draw what I want to draw. But without realizing, I always draw them to fit the magazine. And it seems like Taiyou Tosho prefers me to draw more simple work.

So, sensei is the type who pays attention to editor’s suggestion. When you wrote the first chapter of Saezuru Tori Wa Habatakanai, did you already want Yashiro to be the main character (for longterm series)?

Right. I didn’t explain it in the first one-shot, but I always believe that no matter how you look at it, Yashiro really loved Kageyama. And (even though he’s drawn like that) he is actually a neko (uke). I think he is an interesting character. When I drew highschooler Yashiro and others, it had been decided that I wanted to write a serialization for this.

And only then the character Doumeki was born?

At that time, the character Doumeki didn’t exist, but I thought very hard about what kind of partner that would be suitable for Yashiro. I took a break from drawing for about two years. I only worked on illustration during that time, until one morning an idea suddenly came to me, “That’s right! Erectile dysfunction!”. I immediately sent an email to my editor: “A perverted impotent man!” (laughs). Afterwards, I finally worked on the first draft.

(laughs hard) Finally, the combination of Yashiro and Doumeki who are the opposite of each other was decided. What an amazing couple that can even make the readers losing sleep.

I do have this particular interest in people’s decision and behaviour resulted from a contrasting relationship that is full of conflicts. Because there are so many characters in Saezuru, I have this excel file compiling the plot for each character chronologically. Otherwise, I would’ve forgotten about it. If I didn’t seriously research (the setting of my own story), I wouldn’t be able to write anything when I made name. But even though I got through it, drawing a family with no blood ties like yakuza was still difficult. If I don’t focus, the story might turn out like Nagara Sakugyou*. That’s why now I’m just focusing on doing Saezuru.

*) nagara sakugyou: other work that being serialized at the same time

Up until now, Sensei has published 5 volumes and all of them have beautiful covers with varied tones.

Actually, the cover color for Doushitemo Furetakunai should’ve looked like red wine, but it seemed like there was an error in printing so the pink was contrasting into it. But it turned out to be good.

Then about the cover for the Saezuru first volume. It’s so impressive! The stepped-on man! All the people around me also had high appraise for this.

Actually, there were so many things happened in the process. By taking the request (it isn’t clearly explained whether it’s from editor/designer) of “Yashiro sitting alone”, I first submitted that illustration to the book designer. However, I couldn’t throw away the idea of Yashiro being stepped on, so, during the next three days I was stressed out. I’ve finally asked them to keep my idea and that’s how the cover of the first volume ended up the way it is now.

I see! For the second volume, it’s totally different, isn’t it? It’s a scenery, but when you do a double take, there are Yashiro and Doumeki!

I always want to give a different vibe in each volume. Actually I’m also a fan of the way Tsumugi Taku-sensei draws scenery.

Hoo-, sensei is a fan of Tsumugi sensei! Talking abough NIGHTS, when you open the cover, there’s a surprise in it!

Yes, if you look at the rough sketches there were 4 pages of picture that were interconnected. In the end, the desainer took picture number two as the cover and number four to put it on the bottom of the back cover. For Soredemo, I didn’t get any guide from the book designer. I combined the the feel of the story with a touch of water paint. At first, I actually wanted to make Deguchi pulling Onoda’s hand to get out of the train, but it ended up looking like Deguchi forced Onoda to stay (with him). So I decided it’s Onoda who’s getting off the train by himself with Deguchi waiting on the platform.

Do you do the coloring with computer? How about the non-colored script?

I use SAI for coloring but for monochrome I usually draw by my hand until the inking, then I do the tone using photoshop.

Do you self-learned drawing?

Well, I at least bought a lot of ‘pose reference’ books often. When it comes to buy things, it feels great, doesn’t it? But when it comes to manga, we draw to tell our moe concept.. well, I love drawing moe concept, but the thing is- I’m not really good at drawing. I like thinking about moe stuff, I also like to combine colors (inside my head) but when I do, I have no desire to draw I, even though that’s the important part. There are often times when I feel like drawing is a handful. In short, I want to draw something that isn’t too troublesome.

But, isnt it because you’re doing manga seriously that it feels difficult?

Because I’m too serious I feel like the story can be boring. Not only the work but also the author (laughs). I often read comments saying my manga is ‘down to earth’. I guess it’s shown obviously in every each of my works

Sure, there are people who think like, “In real world, there’s no way a wakagashira can be as masochist as Yashiro”, but apart from that, Saezuru still gives an impression of it being realistic. In drawing the important men’s arms and muscles in your work, sensei has done your best. Getting into the story, the characters also put extra effort to look elegant. Despite the young age, in a positive sense, sensei’s works feels like having Showa* vibe.

(*SHOWA ERA: 1926~1989)

I’m no longer young, though (laughs). Maybe this is why my works often get called “JUNE”. Especially Saezuru, I think it really fits (JUNE concept).

Are you an organized person?

I’m actually a person who have no chill (laughs). But I have this side of myself who tend to see things as a whole, look at my surrounding then step on the brake. There is also a side of me that is so energetic in creating my own moe that I turn into a selfish person. I guess that’s also my flaw.

It seems like sensei is the type who has her own editorial meeting inside her head (laughs)

I wish it’s not true, but unfortunately, I’m the type of person who is embarrased to admit that I have a relationship with manga. Even until now I have yet told my close friends about this job (as BL mangaka). I’m not that kind of person who like to share or tell others about my moe situation inside my head. When my moe concept is being visualized in public I would scream, “Don’t look! But if you want to read it, I’d be happy”. Yes, I’m that kind of person.

I wonder if sensei’s works are the manifestation of sensei’s own self-contradictions..

[sslow-dancer]

hi! can i request a one shot with polnareff x reader but he’s still stuck as the turtle but a twist like the princess and the frog? the reader kisses the turtle and he comes back to being his old (part 3) self because the reader is the one? lots of fluff plzzz? ty ;w;

A/N: Okay but this idea is so unbelievably cute?! I apologize for taking forever to get it done. I went a bit deep and overboard with the storyline on a request that is so simple and I’m pretty sure this is my longest one up to date actually BUT- it’s whatever. There’s plenty of fluff near the end, I promise. I enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it too!! 🤍

(If this flops, I will be so sad omg)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’re The One, My Love.” (Jean Pierre Polnareff x Reader)

Warnings: mentions of drug abuse and depression

tags: gender-neutral, gender-inclusive, jean pierre polnareff x reader, turtle pol, magical, kiss, twist, slight angst, sfw, fluff

Description: One day after having to escort Polnareff as orders from your boss, you begin to grow quite fond of him. During your usual hangouts, you jokingly offer to kiss him as a way to recreate one of your favorite fairytales.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You giggle as Jean pulls you into a kiss, you feel him smile as he holds your face gently. You’re happy to see the man you love not be as serious and hurt as he was when you first met him. Your expression reminiscent of the memories shared between you before this moment.

~A Year Before~

Your personal servant had drawn the curtains. Your eyes fluttered open, body awaken by the bright sunlight shining from your windows and murmurs outside your bedroom. You groaned in frustration as you threw a pillow at him, he managed to catch it and place it back by your bed frame. You huffed,

“Didn’t boss say I have the week off? I’m allowed to sleep in.” you stated blankly, remembering how you had the strong urge to strangle him for ruining your slumber. He shook his head as he sat by the edge of your bed and pointed at the clock that stood on top of your nightstand. You distinctly remember the screen marked 7:25AM exactly. You sighed as you thought you could’ve at least slept in by 10. You sat up and criss crossed your legs and played with the lose strings of your blanket as he replied.

“Technically you do, but today is last minute and different. Sr. Giovanna wants you to escort out a close individual he works with today by 8.”

Frustrated, you plopped your hands down onto your lap and rolled your eyes as you said back,

“Not to be bratty but...can’t he just do that himself or get one of you to do it?” you raised your pointers and middle fingers to create air quotations “This individual must be pretty important if not even the boss can take care of it.”

Your servant shut his eyes and sighed. After what you had just told him, deep down you felt bad about how much he had to deal with your bull on a daily basis- not to mention your constant grumbling in the morning whether he woke you or not. Either way, you were pretty grumpy most mornings. He shook his head again.

“It’s not that either. Sr. Giovanna could easily lead him out but he’s currently finishing business with other people in the country. Sr. Mista is with him as well so you’re the only one we have present. They both must attend all meetings, they are not to miss one.

“Okay, but that still doesn’t answer my question. What’s so important about him or her or whatever the hell they go by?”

“I’ll let you figure that out for yourself.” He said finally as he patted your bed as a way to non-verbally tell you to get ready.

You huffed when he exited the room, plopping your back down hard into the foamy mattress. You roughly grabbed at the pillow you had thrown earlier and placed it over your face, you screamed into it for a good 10 seconds.

Looking back, were you being a little too dramatic? Yes, sure- of course. It’d make anyone cringe if they were to had witnessed it though you didn’t really mind. You were still maturing anyway. You were still getting used to the life Giorno Giovanna and Guido Mista had offered and gladly given to you.

Before meeting your boss Giovanna and his right hand man Mista, you had been living life miserably at home. Though before anyone asks, no: your parents were not abusive, no: your siblings weren’t either, no: nor were your friends or teachers. You had just become very distressed with the life you were leading on. You didn’t like the person you were and were expected to become. Anxiety took over rather unexpectedly. So what did you do when you had enough? You moved on to drugs.

You were surprised to find out how easy it was for a person in their late teens to gain access towards those terrible substances. But none the less, you later learned your dealer was from the mafia known as “Passione.”

Was it dangerous for you to have figured out that information? Yes. However, you remained cautious and never told a soul...until one day you bumped into the now late capo, Bruno Bucciarati.

You were walking down your local dealing alleyway, hands in pockets and school bag still in sight. You usually dealt after school as many adults were distracted by the kids that filled up the streets. Thus making them barely notice the illegal activity going on as a large number of students would walk down alleyways as a shortcut to their home. You were swift in paying back and receiving your desired substances anyway.

All of a sudden you heard a distant call, a call out of your name. You stopped dead in your tracks and turned around to look at the direction from where the call was coming from, that’s when you saw him. He stood a few feet from you.

“I’m glad I was able to find you...my name is Bruno Bucciarati. Your parents sent me to look for you, they’ve mentioned to me that you’ve been coming home late from school lately.”

You only shrugged and completely ignored his claim. You began walking away but were stopped again when he said,

“Leaky eyed Luca deals with you, doesn’t he?”

You kept your gaze forward and your back turned away from Bruno. Turning your head slightly over your shoulder, you mumbled,

“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

Without having to look at him, you knew he had tilted his head when he answered.

“That depends. If you answer honestly, no trouble will occur. I’ll remain calm with you, that is a promise.”

You blinked, sighing as you kicked at the small pebbles near your feet, staring at your shoes as you thought about what he said.

You had been dealing with Luca and you knew that his business was risky. Though you didn’t care. You felt that you needed to get the drugs you wanted pronto and Luca was the only one who would give them to you quickly. You shook your head, deciding to give up as you didn’t want anyone to notice you both speaking. You turned to face him and quietly replied,

“Yes, he deals with me. He’s the provider, I’m the receiver.”

Bruno smiled, satisfied with your answer.

He followed up with informing you that Luca had been killed at a local airport and was told to investigate his death. He didn’t provide too many details as to the cause of his death but you didn’t feel like asking anyway. Bruno admitted he came to speak to you as hours prior one of your parents really did come to speak to him about your behavior. After connecting some dots, he suspected you had something to do with Luca’s death as you were not attending school and were gone for most of the day. Not to mention, your teachers had called your parents that day as well.

Luckily, he was able to clear you out as a suspect as you cooperated with him and weren’t sweaty or completely jittery. He also gave you a little talk about using drugs. He promised he wouldn’t tell your parents that you got yourself involved in that abusive life if you promised to not buy more again.

You truly felt at the time that he was the only one who understood and cared for you in just the short time you met him. Your eyes watered as you complied with Bruno, promising to do what he suggested. A promise you have held onto forever.

After some investigating of your own, you found out that it was your future boss that killed Luca. You were rather impressed than angry that he was able to kill him. You honestly believed Luca would never be caught.

Back to the day you had to escort this individual- after some more complaining and grumpy remarks towards everyone in the household, you were finally ready to meet them. Your personal servant led you to the front door. He made sure to quietly remind you to be polite.

Your attention turned to another servant walking down the stairs towards your direction. A pillow in hand with a piece of cloth covering whatever was on top it. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, laughing as you sarcastically remarked,

“Is this some kind of joke? It’s not April, is it?”

“No, but I guess this household treating me with the upmost respect is.”

Your eyes widen. ‘Did that thing under the cloth just speak?” you asked yourself.

The servant removed the cloth and there revealed a turtle. A turtle with a key-shaped hole embedded on its shell. You almost assumed that the turtle smirked at you when he added,

“I know, don’t be too surprised. I plan to get out of this animal once my soul decides to give up. I haven’t always looked like this, ya know.”

Your mouth gaped open as to say something, but you quickly shut it as you didn’t know how to reply. He chuckled,

“Hand me over to them, we’ll talk more when we get to my destination.”

You hesitantly took the pillow from the servant’s hands and remained in shock as you walked out the door. You were careful not to drop him as you got down to the front gates. Gulping as you asked,

“So...my servant wasn’t that specific on me having to leave you in the car or actually riding with you. It’s kind of my fault as I don’t like to listen and talk in the morning...”

You nervously laughed as he looked up to you. He replied,

“It’s quite alright. I was told you have to ride with me. But don’t worry, you won’t have to stay for long. It’s only around a 10 minute ride.”

“Yeah, okay.”

You sat behind the passenger seat and placed the pillow in the middle, right next to your side.

The ride was relatively quiet, you looked out the window as you kept a fist under your chin. Your expression showed that of concern. You were too nervous to say anything. Even though he had joked back earlier, you were afraid he didn’t like you as his voice stayed stern throughout your small talk. You were afraid you had offended him in some way.

Your mood changed when the driver alerted that you had arrived. You thanked him as he opened the door for you, your hands grasped the pillow tightly so the talking turtle wouldn’t fall. You asked him with a small voice.

“Is there anywhere you’d like for me to set you?”

“Yes... put me on top of that balcony over there. I want to look at the lake.”

“Of course.”

You did as he said and sat him on the balcony. Your eyes gleamed when you caught sight of the glimmering water and greenery of the setting. You’ve always known that Italy is one of the most beautiful places in the world but at that time you had forgotten and were fascinated all over again. Like when a child sees a playground for the first time.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked, you nodded.

“Yes, it really is. It’s no wonder you asked me set you on here.”

“Yes... I wanted to look at one more beautiful sight before I go. Like I said earlier, my soul is no longer fit to be here, so I might as well admire my surroundings for now.”

Your mind quickly became curious after he said that. You wanted to know more behind what he meant. You weren’t going back to that car until you got answers. So to make things easy, you started off with asking his name.

“If you don’t mind... would you like to tell me your name?”

“It’s Jean. Jean Pierre Polnareff.”

‘So he’s French.’ you remember thinking, his accent wasn’t too thick but you assumed and your assumption was right. After that, you went on to tell him your name and your experiences before meeting boss Giorno Giovanna. He shared the same with you.

You talked for so long in fact that you paid off the driver of your assigned car to go back and finish his shift early, promising them that you’ll find a ride later yourself.

You ended off the chatty night with placing Jean under a nearby bench and waving at him. You were saddened but Jean said he enjoyed your company so much that he’ll try to stay for longer and that you’re welcome to come him visit him everyday.

And so you did.

For months you came by to talk to him. You were happy to see that his soul wasn’t giving up yet- you knew you would cry if it were to one day. You had come to realize that you love him but you didn’t know if he felt the same way about you. You had only seen his face once- that was the day he decided to show you the physical embodiment of his soul.

You thought (and still think) he was so beautiful. The missing of bottom limbs and blindness in one eye did not bother you at all. His white-silver hair, style and personality is what did it for you. What it did to make you fall in love with his vanity and him. Just him. Jean himself.

~A Year Later~

It’s been a year now and as per usual, you spent half your days speaking to Jean by that same lake you were ordered to drive him to.

Boss Giovanna and Mista have noticed how fast you are in missions since then. They appreciate that you get things done but they still remain curious as to why you’re more happy and less grumpy than you were before. Though they don’t bother to ask, as they’re kind and don’t want to ruin your pure joy.

Today isn’t particularly different. All you had done earlier in the day was speak to a few citizens in town and dealt with giving details to your boss about a certain drug epidemic at a school. Nothing too out of the ordinary, a situation like this occurred at your old school too years back. Your duties were basically done once you learned information got to police.

You drive down to the park where the lake is at, smiling when you see a familiar small green circle on the balcony, looking over the glimmering waters. You park in the nearest lot and lock your car after getting out. You excitedly run over to Jean and smile when he turns his little head to greet you.

“I’m glad you’ve come again.” he says with a smile.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” you reply in a genuine tone.

You go on to talk about random topics and subjects as you always do. The conversation moving onto favorite pieces of literature and genres.

You roll your eyes in embarrassment as you tell him your most favorite one- one that is a fairytale and goes by the name of “The Frog Prince.”

“Well... it’s very fem of me but I really enjoy fairytales. Especially the ones from the Grimm brothers. My favorite is actually “The Frog Prince”

You place your elbow on the rail and use a hand to cover your burning cheek. Hoping that the redness rushing to your face won’t be noticed by Jean and that the sunset covers it up. Jean only laughs and hopes to comfort you when he says,

“Oh, that’s fine. Who cares if it’s feminine? They’re very well written stories and people shouldn’t be ashamed for what they like. I admire that your favorite genre is fairytale, you don’t hear people say that as often, you know?”

His words do comfort you and you thank him for that. He welcomes you and you feel like you’re actually looking into his sapphire eyes. The ones you fell in love with so long ago. You speak up before you’re even able to fully think.

“Say, the frog prince and the princess kissing, huh? Why don’t we kiss and see if it turns you back?”

Shit.

‘Did I really just ask that?’ you ask yourself ‘What the actual hell is wrong with you?!”

“I don’t see why not...”

“Huh?”

You’re stunned. You thought he would get offended for spurting out such a stupid thing. Of course your request won’t work- that shit is from a story book. It’s pure fiction. This is real life.

He’s a turtle now and you’re a human. You can’t and you won’t kiss him. You raise your hands up in defense.

“Hey, no! No need to play along after saying something so stupid to make me feel better. I just blurted that out I’m so sorry-“

“No, it’s okay. And I’m not playing along, I’m being serious. Go ahead. I’ve grown to like you a lot, a small kiss wouldn’t hurt.”

This answer is not what you expected. You nervously fiddle with your fingers as you look around. You sigh as you give in.

“Fine. I like you a lot too and I’ll do it. Let me just-“

You lift up the top half of Jean, his front turtle legs up in the air and his little face staring up at you. You take a deep breath and close your eyes, you slowly lean in and- kiss✨

The turtle falls out of your grasp. You stop puckering your lips and open your eyes. In a panicked state, you frantically look over the balcony and both sides of you to find him. You look forward and gasp. You grab at the railings to hold you steady.

There sits a groaning man on his knees. He rubs at his neck as he silently curses to himself, blinking fast and harshly as he tries to understand what’s going on around him. It’s dark now but the moon shines bright enough for you to get a better glimpse of him. You furrow your eyebrows as you slowly recognize who he is- Jean.

He has that same white-silver hair, sapphire eyes, big stature though the only difference is no eye glass in sight and his “legs” aren’t made out of metal.. they’re completely real. Flesh and all and you know that blood flows right through them like the rest of his body.

“J-Jean?” you whisper.

The man doesn’t hear you. All he does is groan and cross his legs in front of him. He stretches his arms and looks over any possible injuries on him.

“Jean.” you say again, louder this time.

He finally looks up at you. And there they are, those sapphire eyes you love so much. That face you’ve grown to be so fond off. His expression more than surprised. Though that expression quickly changes and softens- his eyes crease and a small smile appears. He says your name. And you tear up after he does.

He attempts to get up but his legs give up on him. You sprint to his side before he falls, letting him use your shoulders as support. He blushes.

“I’m sorry... I haven’t had real legs in years. Apparently I forgot how to use them...”

His voice is softer than before, the sternness isn’t there. He sounds younger almost. You giggle, as you use a hand to wipe at the tears of your eyes.

“Okay, I think I can stand now. Let go of me so I can look at you fully.”

You do as he says and as you watch him wobble, you reach out to help again but he shakes his head, waving your hands off as he’s able to maintain balance. You grin proudly when he does.

Jean turns to face you, he clasps your hands together and brings them up to his lips. You blush as he proceeds to hold them over his heart. He looks at you with pure love in his eyes.

“Thank you. Thank you so much. What you suggested was silly but it worked.”

“Yes, you’re welcome...” you say softly, looking down. He makes you look up again.

“You’re the one, my love. You always have been and always will be. My feelings for you started when we first met, I meant what I said. I have grown to like you a lot though it’s more than “like”- it’s love. And I’m so happy to know you feel the same way.”

You tear up at this and hug him. He hugs you back and you can’t believe that he does.

The turtle is no more and you have your true love back to human form.

He raises your chin up with his thumb and pointer, he kisses you and you kiss him back. The kiss long and meaningful.

You’re happy to know that the man you love, loves you too.

[aomineavenue]

Summary: Six years ago, L/N Y/N wouldn’t exactly say that she loves her life. It had always been problematic but her best friend, Miya Atsumu, since she was eight when she moved to Hyōgo, has always been there for her, and she wouldn’t change it for the world. However, things would always fall apart for her ever since, so she should have expected of such. Running away from her problems seemed like the easiest route to take at the time, so what happens when the past comes barging back into her life demanding answers? Will she be able to confront her demons?

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x f!Reader

Genre: Angst, ANGST I LOVE ANGST, a lil bit of fluff here and there.

Warnings: Language, etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters except for the reader and my ideas. I do not claim any images used for content in this fic, everything goes out to their respective creators unless it is mentioned that it is mine.

Status: completed. | series masterlist

↩ at peace | dearest daddy

mia speaks!: 

okay, wow. So it took awhile for us to get here and I apologize for that but we’re finally done with Homesick, wew. It’s been a challenge but I’m so happy and grateful for all the positivity you guys have been sharing with me. Also, thank you so much for your patience. 

It’s been an emotional ride but we’re finally done. There may be a few short stories after this chapter but no promises. Hopefully I get the chance to though, I do want to be able to. But for now, if you guys have any requests for imagines/scenarios with this series, don’t be afraid to send them over!

Also, big thanks to @oii-sugasan​ and @sunshinesero​ for beta-reading this for me! I apologize if this chapter is any way lacking compared to the first nine chapters, it’s been awhile since I wrote anything so I hope this was a great way to end this series. 

I love you guys so much, I’m so glad to be (sorta) back. I hope you guys enjoy this!

Time was a funny and fickle thing. Sometimes there was never enough of it, and other times it stretched out endlessly. It had been seven months since your life had once again made drastic changes. It often surprised you how time flew by so fast.

Seven months since your two precious boys had been introduced to the man that they now call their father. And well, seven months since you had been reunited with the love of your life. Sure, it had ups and downs, it wasn’t bound to be perfect since the two of you were your own person. It was inevitable for such different personalities to clash, it didn’t help when there were two children present, one of them being as handful as their own father.

Atsumu had shown that he was a doting father, despite only being a part of their lives for less than a year, he had put his new family as his top priority, wanting to make up for lost time. He would instantly drop anything and everything, sometimes even volleyball when he could for times when his family needed him. Not that his new family had been a burden since then, his sons and of course you, have been nothing but loving and supportive. Showing up to games to cheer him on and the twins attending his training to either join or just watch their father and new favorite uncles.

It had been a rollercoaster ride since it was officially announced that Atsumu was off the market and that he actually had sons. Some fans were supportive, believing the news and claiming that both the young twins were striking replicas of the volleyball player. And of course, there were fans that were against it, raging how you were nothing more than a money-grabbing harlot and that you had probably lied to Atsumu about the twins being his.

They were quickly shut down, of course, by not just fans but various people close to the volleyball setter who defended you without you even asking for it. You weren’t going to lie, that particular month filled with venomous words thrown your direction stressed you out but it was mostly because of your motherly instincts, wanting to keep your sons away from such unnecessary drama. You and Atsumu had decided to ignore the majority of the vile comments but seeing you so emotionally exhausted had only fueled the already tiny flame in Atsumu. He was quick to announce that he would no longer tolerate any form of slander towards his family and would handle things legally if anyone were to step out of line.

And by the next few weeks, the hate simmered and the stress that had engulfed you and Atsumu in its grip had vanished. All that was left that made you both worry was Atsuhiro’s health.

Fortunately, Atsuhiro’s sickness didn’t grow worse as time passed by since his first transfusion. If anything, the boy was healthier and it was very much evident in his features. The healthy glow returned to his skin, he was smiling more and had shown his usual energetic-self like before he had fallen ill. Atsumu on the other hand, much to Atsuhiro’s dismay, had started becoming such an overprotective father. It took a lot of begging from Atsuhiko for their father to spend the day outside of the protective bubble of your apartment.

It took time and patience from everyone’s side to get this far, and for Atsumu, (and of course, you) he didn’t mind it one bit. He had grown more mature, despite his twin brother’s disagreements, he not only took care of himself more but he had become a role model to his sons.

Not only that, but as his relationship with his sons grew stronger, the love the two of you had for each other only seemed to intensify as well. Sure, the two of you had ups and downs back then in your friendship but it was as if time and distance hadn’t kept the two of you apart. If anything, it was as if it made your bond stronger. Two best friends, reuniting and finally expressing their true desires, it was easy for the two of you to fall into a comfortable routine.

“Where are the boys of the hour? I’ve been wanting to see how good Hiko looks in my jersey!”

Bokuto interrupts your thoughts for a brief second before you return your focus to your duties of cutting up the vegetables in the kitchen. You can’t help but chuckle at the sour expression that graces Atsumu’s expression as he fills a tray of refreshments on one of the island counters. “Don’t remind me, Bo-kun.”

“You’re just jealous that your sons didn’t want to wear your jersey," he teases, a playful grin on his lips as he lifts himself off of the ground by his hands to sit on the counter.

The scowl on Atsumu's face only deepens at the reminder, "Get off the counter, Bo-kun. Don't be rude. Why don't you actually start to help and give out these refreshments to the guests?"

You watch in amusement as the two exchange their usual banter around the kitchen of your home in Hyogo. It was decided a week ago after Atsuhiro's second transfusion was a success, that the twins would celebrate their birthday back at Hyogo instead of having the guests cramp up in your small apartment in Kanagawa.

It was also then decided by your sons what theme they would be having for their birthday. It was traditional for the twins to have their birthdays themed depending on their current interest. Lately, since the two were very fixated on volleyball due to their new favorite uncles and of course, their father, it was decided that they would be having a volleyball themed birthday where the guests were required to wear their favorite player's jersey.

For a minute, your new friend Bokuto had been rather excited upon hearing the idea.

"So show up with our own jerseys? Great!"

And as for Atsumu, he was excited at the prospect of seeing his own sons wearing his jersey. That is, until his sons destroyed such dreams.

"Are the two of you really sure?" you hear Atsumu's voice echoing from the twins' bedroom throughout the walls of the apartment as you stepped inside, shutting the door behind you as you ventured further into the comforts of your home. “Like really? Those are your choices?”

You grew curious as you slipped out of your shoes and let your hair loose from its tight bun, wincing slightly from your tugging. There was a tinge of whininess dripping from Atsumu’s voice that you couldn’t help but wonder what the three of them were talking about. It wasn’t unusual for Atsumu to be around when you had to work on days where the boys came home from school or when they didn’t have school.

At most times, when Atsumu didn't have training, he would be the one taking care of the boys instead of your mother or Osamu. Majority of his free time away from volleyball was spent with his sons, wanting to make up for the time he had lost. And there wasn't a day where the young twins wouldn't ask about their father and if he was going to visit. It was as if they were scared one of them would disappear, wanting to spend the entirety of their lives together.

"Maybe we can go with superheroes this year!" Atsumu's voice grew louder as you reached the door to the room where they occupied. Leaning against the door's frame, your eyes land on the back of Atsumu's head as he's seated on the carpeted floor facing the twins who were playing with their action figures. A small grin curling upon your lips at the sight of Atsumu’s slightly dishevelled bleached hair.

Atsuhiro, who seems to have the ability to sense your presence, looks up from his toys and in an instant, his eyes widen happily. He was about to greet you but you quickly pressed your index finger against your lips to signal the little boy not to announce your presence just yet, wanting to see Atsuhiko and Atsumu's interaction. The smart little boy that he is, nods and returns to his toys.

"But daddy," Atsuhiko protests, his focus still on the action figures in his hands, "We did superheroes last year! I wanna wear Uncle Bo's jersey!"

You fight the urge to burst out into a fit of giggles as soon as you catch a glimpse of Atsumu slumping his shoulders dejectedly. Now you understand as to why he had his moppy voice on. "But don't you want to wear daddy's jersey for your birthday?"

"But daddy," Atsuhiko lets out a sigh, looking up at his father with a look that meant the little boy wasn't up for any arguments on the matter, "Uncle Bo is the best! So I wanna wear his jersey!"

You could have sworn you heard Atsumu whine, suddenly wishing you had decided to film this from the start. "But it will make daddy really happy if you wear his jersey!"

Atsuhiko shakes his head as he continues to play with his action figures, "But I want Uncle Bo and I to match!"

Atsumu sighs in defeat before turning his attention over to Atsuhiro, looking hopeful. "What about you, Hiro? Would you wear daddy's jersey?"

"No, daddy. I wanna wear Kageyama-san's jersey," he nods with a proud smile, "Wanna be just like him! He's so good!"

"But daddy's just as good a setter as Tobio-kun!" Atsumu cries out, throwing his hands up in the air, "betrayed by my own children. 'Samu isn't going to let me live this down."

This time, you let your presence be known by finally releasing a bubble of laughter. Atsuhiko instantly drops his action figures and rushes over with a happy squeal. Atsumu pivots his body, looking up at you with such a pitiful gaze as he juts his lower lips out ot a pout, "I want new children."

Needless to say, Atsumu had been pouty ever since and has been dreading today due to the reason that every single one of his friends had found out about it. He had tried a handful of times to change their minds, unfortunately, the young twins won't budge.

“It’s not my fault your kids like me better than you,” he huffs, folding his arms across his chest, “I am an ordinary ace after all!”

A scowl graces on Atsumu’s features which causes the other occupants in the room to chuckle in amusement. It wasn’t as if Atsumu didn’t like the idea of his sons becoming close to his teammates, but lately, it was getting harder for the setter to share. “Get your own children!”

“Ah, about that...” Bokuto trails off with a nervous chuckle which causes everyone to fall silent and look at him in curiosity, “I actually will be getting my own child soon, I think.”

“You think?” you ask with an arched brow, “You can’t just think you’re having a child, Bokuto-san.”

Atsumu interjects, “And aren’t you in love with that best friend of yours? What happened to never being with anyone else but her?”

He waves his hand in the air dismissively with a frown etched on his lips, “Well, I can’t exactly be with her when she just got married.”

“You are so getting your ear torn off by the management when this news gets out,” Atsumu snickers, which he earns a smack to his shoulder from you. “Ow!”

You narrow your gaze at your boyfriend, completely unamused with his behavior. “Don't be dramatic, I didn't hit you that hard!" Letting out a huff as you wipe your hands on the apron you were wearing, "You aren’t helping Bokuto, ‘Tsumu.”

His lips curl up to a cheeky grin at the sight of your expression. He leans forward to nuzzle his nose against your cheek, your cheeks growing warm from the public display of affection. His heart swells from your reaction to his gesture, murmuring teasingly, “Sorry, darling.”

“Please, don’t make me barf.” Osamu interrupts with his features scrunched up in distaste from the interaction between you and his brother.

Atsumu sticks his tongue out at his brother who returns the gesture with a shake of his head. His arm snakes around your waist to pull you closer to his side as he returns his attention over to his teammate, “Well, is the woman making you marry her?”

“Making you pay for child support?” Osamu quickly adds.

Atsumu quips with a chuckle, “Threatening to expose your sins?”

You interrupt the two with a glare towards them, “Stop ganging up on him!”

Bokuto lets out a laugh as he begins helping your mother set up the desserts onto one of the trays to bring outside to the guests, “Nothing like that, she’s pretty chill and we’ve gotten pretty close lately. So we’re going to co-parent.”

“That’s very mature of you, Bokuto-kun.” your mother compliments him with a smile before patting his back.

He feels his cheeks grow warm from the compliment, his heart swelling with pride. “Thank you.”

“Maybe you’ll end up falling for her anyway,” Osamu teases with a smirk playing on his lips, leaning against one of the kitchen counters.

He shakes his head at the idea as his brows knit together, “Jess and I won’t fall in love.”

“Jess?” Atsumu blinks at the familiar name before his eyes widens at the realization, releasing his grip from your waist, “Jess, that journalist that you showed around town when she first visited Japan?”

Bokuto nods with a smile gracing his features, “Yeah, she’s pretty cool.”

“Maybe you’ll learn to love her in your own way through your child,” you suggest with a shrug of your shoulders as you began untying the apron you were wearing upon realizing what time it was.

Atsumu shakes his head and responds before Bokuto could utter a single word, “No, no. That’s impossible. Bo-kun’s heart belongs to his best friend.”

“Stop teasing him,” you scold your boyfriend with a shake of your head, handing over the apron you successfully took off, “make yourself useful and help out here in the kitchen,"

"Bu—"

Cutting him off with a stern glare as you lift a tray from one of the kitchen counters and handing it over to Bokuto, a small smile gracing your lips, "Don't mind him, Bo. Can you bring these to the backyard and help out if anyone else needs help? I think Reiji needs a hand setting up the bouncy castle,"

Retrieving the tray from your hands, his eyes lighting up from the excitement, "bouncy castle, you say?"

"That's for the kids, Bo-kun." Atsumu scoffs but soon lets his lips form into a pout when he had been ignored, turning his attention over to you once Bokuto slips out of the kitchen, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to check on the boys to see if they're ready for their big entrance," you muse with an amused grin. Of course, you knew what your sons had prepared for the big entrance that they insisted. Atsumu had pestered both you and the young twins since he had heard of their plan but as your sons refused to budge, you had feigned clueless, claiming that your sons had opted it to be a surprise.

Little did Atsumu know that you had helped your sons pull off such an idea.

"I don't get why they have to have a big entrance," he sighs, brows furrowing as he racks through his thoughts on what the surprise could be. It didn't help that he was both curious and excited at what his sons might pull off.

Osamu lets out a snort, rolling his eyes at his twin brother as a smirk curls upon his lips, "What do you mean? They're your kids."

"What does that even mean?" Atsumu scowls as he slips on the apron you had handed over, walking over to where your mother was situated to take over what you were doing.

You shake your head at the two bickering older twins and shoot a look of sympathy towards your mother that was going to be left with them in the kitchen before she waves you off. Your heart was swelling from happiness at how natural everything felt, despite the silly banter thrown around. It was home.

As you step into your childhood living room, you're hit with a nostalgic wave from the memories surrounding the whole area. Though it may be a mixture of good and bad memories, since you had come to terms that you were no longer running away from your past, you only feel comfort. You made your way through your childhood home over to the bedroom that had been renovated to the liking of your twin boys.

The mere thought of your boys growing to love the place where you had grown up yourself was enough to bring a smile to your face. You press your knuckles against the wooden door to signal your presence by knocking on it repeatedly, “Are you two ready?” you ask, your voice probably muffled on the other side. Your fingers wrap around the handle of the door and as you were about to twist and push it open, the door instantly snaps back shut with a loud thud. “Can’t-”

“No, mommy!” Atsuhiko screeched causing you to blink from both the surprised force and tone. Pressing your palms and ear against the door to hear what the commotion was all about, you frown upon hearing only their shuffling feet, “What are you two doing? Guests have arrived and your party will be starting soon,”

“We’re almost ready, mommy!” Atsuhiro assures you from the other side.

A chuckle escapes your lips at their antics as you decide to not interfere any further, “Alright you two, just be sure to be out in a few. You don’t want your daddy to come fetch you. It’ll ruin the surprise.”

“Okay mommy!” you heard Atsuhiko yell out, their excited muffled voices purely obvious from the other side that you couldn’t help but smile.

On the other hand, back in the kitchen, the father of your twins was having his own little dilemma back in the kitchen. It wasn’t as if he was uncomfortable being around your mother, but it was more like he felt he was still lacking.

Despite him knowing that your mother and you hadn’t had the greatest relationship when your father passed away, he still wanted to be someone your mother would approve of. He didn’t know whether your mother knew the whole story of the relationship between the two of you but being away from you and your sons during most of their childhood was enough to make him worry. The mere idea of his sons looking up to him sent his heart soaring, but of course, he also wanted your mother to feel secure enough for him to be together with you and the twins.

“I’ll bring out these sliced up fruits outside,” Osamu cuts the clear tension surrounding the kitchen. Atsumu resists the urge to glare at his twin for leaving him behind with your mother, knowing full well that his brother knows his current insecurities. A small smirk graces Osamu’s features but not the obvious one that would make your mother notice.

Atsumu watches his twin slip out of the kitchen with a tray full of food for the guests before flickering his gaze over to your mother situated at the other side of the room, making final touches to the cupcakes. “Is there anything else that I can do?”

Without looking up, a smile etches on your mother’s face. “No, it’s fine. We’re just about done with everything.”

“It looks good,” he states with a nod of his head, not really knowing what to say.

Placing the piping bag to the side, your mother lifts her head up to look towards the direction of Atsumu and wipes her hands on the apron she’s currently wearing, “You know you can always start calling me mom.”

The mere sentence made Atsumu want to leap in excitement, but at the same time he was nervous, a sudden fear of messing things up engulfing him. “I don’t want to overste-”

“Oh please,” your mother waves her hand in the air with a light chuckle, “I’ve known you since you were eight. We’re practically family. So you might as well call me mom.”

Atsumu couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth tug up to a wide smile, “Alright, mom.”

“I’m really happy that the two of you decided to work things out,” your mother spoke with a smile as she delicately places the cupcakes on the cupcake stand.”

His feet shuffled across the room to help your mother stack the cupcakes onto the stand, “We had to for the kids anyway.”

Your mother hums in thought for a second before responding, “I think the kids were just the push the two of you needed. If anything, I’ve always thought the two of you would always end up together since the two of you always leaned on each other for anything.”

He nods his head slowly, leaning against the counter as he feels his heart swell with happiness. “I guess you’re right, mom. I did lean on her majority of the time when we were growing up. I guess I still am now. I just wish I could make her happy.”

“Don’t worry, you do. Before she left Hyogo, I know for a fact that she was miserable in this house after her dad had passed. You were the only one giving her a reason to move forward,” your mother spoke, sadness dripping from her voice.

A sigh escapes Atsumu’s lips as his features scrunch up to something that resembles pain. “I was also the reason why she left. I may be even the biggest reason why she left.”

Your mother extends an arm out and places a hand on Atsumu’s arm, trying her best to give assurance and comfort, “You weren’t the only reason behind that. I don’t know if she’s told you, but I had neglected her. I’m not proud of it and apologies are probably never enough for forgiveness. I was barely a mother when my husband had passed. I was almost an empty shell and instead of being a moth-”

“Mom,” Atsumu cuts her off and grabs hold of her hand in his own, “Don’t blame yourself. She loves you very much. It’s all in the past. We’ll be able to move forward, we already are.”

The two were interrupted with Osamu’s arrival, knocking by the kitchen’s door frame to announce his return. A smile etched on his lips at the scene before him, “Hey, Y/N wants everyone in the living room. Apparently the boys are ready to make their big entrance.”

Your mother excuses herself as soon as she removes the apron tied around her, excitement clearly evident in her features. Atsumu knew it well, despite the relationship that you had been slowly rebuilding with your mother, she was just as excited as him to have the twins into her life. She has equally doted on, if not more, on the twins ever since and well, Atsumu wouldn’t have it any other way.

Atsumu knew for a fact that you adored the time you’ve been sharing with your mother. As long as you were happy, nothing else mattered.

Osamu gives him a pat on the back, arching a brow in curiosity as they make their way out of the kitchen, “Everything alright?”

Atsumu gives him a nod, giving him the largest grin that he could muster. “Yeah, definitely.”

“You look disgusting,” Osamu jokes, pretending to shudder which causes Atsumu to give him a shove as they step into the living room where most of the guests have already gathered.

“Hey ‘tsumu!” Bokuto calls out from next to you as soon as Atsumu comes into view. “Hurry up! I’m excited to see Hiko in my jersey!”

Atsumu rolls his eyes as he approaches, grumbling to himself. As soon as he reaches your side, he places a quick kiss to your temple before snaking an arm around your waist to pull you closer. “Yeah, yeah. You have to stop rubbing it in. We get it.”

You couldn’t help but let a laugh escape your lips as you lean yourself into Atsumu’s warmth, “Oh come on now you two, focus on the big entrance will you?”

Bokuto just snickers from the side while Atsumu sends him a glare. If you were to describe the two of them, they were practically acting like petty children but you know those two will eventually switch attitudes as soon as your twins step out to make their entrance.

You flicker your gaze over to Osamu who was situated a few steps ahead from your little group, trying his best to act natural with his phone up. The two of you had discussed prior to the party that he would be the one to film the whole thing going on. Your little boys had practically begged their uncle to film their big entrance but mostly, what you hoped Osamu to capture was Atsumu’s reaction.

A part of you expects that he would be a grinning mess at the sight of his kids but also, you’re also hoping he’d be speechless from all the teasing his kids put him through of having to wear someone else’s jersey.

“What’s taking them so long?” Atsumu asks, tilting his head slightly hoping to meet your eyes as his fingers play with the hem of your shirt.

As you were about to answer him, the familiar voices of your two boys echo throughout the room from the top of the stairs. You didn’t even have to look to know about their surprise since you know very well of what they had planned. Well, obviously, you had helped them out with picking up the jerseys that they were going to wear.

However, you had wanted to capture Atsumu’s reaction to your boys with your own two eyes instead of just watching it from a video. And honestly speaking, you didn’t think you’d fall in love with this man any more than you already do but here you are.

Just the mere sight of his features scrunching up to a look of awe was enough for your heart to swell. It looked as if he was close to tears as watches the twins descend the stairs with the prodest smiles they could muster.

You pry yourself away from his side as soon as the twins approach Atsumu, knowing full well what was going to happen as they had practiced what they were going to say. Flickering your gaze over to Atsuhiko and Atsuhiro, seeing them in Atsumu’s high school volleyball jersey made your own eyes water despite the fact that you were the ones who had gotten them the uniform a week ago.

“Wh-What are you guys wearing?” Atsumu almost chokes out his words, “What happened to the jerseys that we bought that you said you were going to wear?”

Atsuhiko throws his arms out in the air, smiling widely. “We changed daddy!”

“We wanna wear your jersey daddy,” Atushiro nods his head enthusiastically, lifting his hand up to grip onto Atsumu’s shirt.

Atsuhiko wraps his arms around Atsumu’s waist, “‘cause you’re our favorite volleyball player daddy!”

The scene itself was enough for everyone to watch in awe, a few of the guests that were invited had their own phones up to capture the moment with smiles on their faces, the others were almost practically in tears themselves, and well there was also Bokuto by the side with his pouty self at the realization that neither of his nephews were wearing his jersey like he thought they would. Atsumu on the other hand, had eventually dropped down to his knees and wrapped his arms around his two boys, burying his face in between them as he let out his own tears stream down his face from the overwhelming joy that coursed through him.

Yes, this is your family.

This is your home.

You stare out the window from the kitchen of your childhood home, a smile on your face at the beautiful afternoon of your backyard full with people you adore and have missed so much. 

The party was still in full swing despite the sun about to set, the laughter from the guests and a few children present rang in the air. Happiness had engulfed your heart and honestly, you had trouble believing it yourself but here you were. 

You wouldn’t trade this for anything. 

An arm snakes around your waist from behind and you would have been startled if you hadn’t felt Atsumu’s presence a minute ago. Despite not having seen each other in years, everything about him was still familiar. Sure, there were a few things about him that you didn’t know but that didn’t mean that he still wasn’t your Atsumu that you’ve grown to love. 

“Thank you,” he whispers as he nuzzles his nose into your hair, a smile playing on his lips. 

You place your hands atop of his and lean yourself back into his warmth, your brows furrowing in confusion. “What are you thanking me for?” 

“For everything,” he lets out a sigh, causing a shiver to run down your spine from the heat radiating from his breath close to your ear, “For giving me two amazing boys and for existing yourself.” 

Pivoting your body around so that you were facing Atsumu, your hands settling on his chest as you look up at him with your lips curling up to an assuring smile, “Thank you.” 

“And what for?” Atsumu questions, matching your own smile with his own as his hands cup your face. He lowers his head slowly, nudging your nose with his own as the pads of his thumbs brush delicately against your skin. 

Heat spreads across your cheeks at his gestures, feeling shy yourself but despite that, the majority of what you felt was only comfort in being in his arms. “For loving me as much as I love you.” 

He hums in response, placing a quick kiss to your lips. “No, I probably do love you more. More than you can imagine.” 

Before you could respond, he places his lips back firmly on yours and your eyelids flutter shut as if on instinct. The hands of yours that were resting on his chest eventually found their way around his torso to pull him close. Tilting your head to the side, the kiss itself deepens as he runs his fingers through your hair. 

It just felt so natural being with him.

Before the kiss could grow more heated however, a loud yell from outside had interrupted the both of you causing you to pull away much to both of your dismay. Your heads turn towards the direction of the commotion, the bouncy castle coming into view.

Or rather, the depleting bouncy castle with Bokuto and Hinata coming out hastily in laughter. 

You shake your head at the scene, a bubble of laughter leaving your lips before turning your head back over to look at the man before you. Just when you had decided to pull back and return to your duties of being a mother, he wraps his arms back around your waist to pull you back against him. Another laugh escapes your lips as you playfully slap his chest, “What now? We have a party going on, we have to entertain our gue-” 

“Move in with me,” he interrupts, his features showing nothing but seriousness. 

You meet his sincere gaze with your own and your heart makes a leap out of joy. There was only one answer you could possibly give. 

“Yes.”