#rather than acknowledging the little agency she had in the show

[the-greendalehumanbeings]

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[mariacallous]

At a Connecticut childcare center one morning, staff sat on brightly colored, toddler-sized plastic chairs, crowded around a small table, for the center’s annual mandated reporter training. A longtime caseworker and then supervisor for the state’s child protection agency, whom I’ll call Annie, had come to train the staff on their legal responsibilities to report suspected child abuse and neglect to Child Protective Services (CPS).

Annie began by acknowledging that people often worry about whether calling CPS will make things worse rather than better. But she told the group that the hotline would not accept reports that did not meet statutory definitions of maltreatment. “And that’s it. Nothing bad happens.” She assured the group that “no harm is going to come” from making a call that turned out to be unwarranted—except that they might have to wait on hold for a while.

With this mindset, CPS intervention has ballooned in recent decades, such that state and county CPS agencies now investigate the families of more than three million U.S. children each year. In some communities, the investigation is almost a rite of passage—half of Black children can expect a CPS investigation at some point during childhood. Most of these cases bear little resemblance to the child abuse cases that make news headlines. Instead, they usually involve families dealing with challenges such as addiction, domestic violence, and homelessness, or families deemed “challenging” by the systems working with them. As such, CPS has become a first-line response to family adversity.

Is Annie right that “no harm” comes from this wide net cast by CPS and those who file reports?

As it turns out, CPS investigations carry profound costs for the families subject to them, even in cases when the agency promptly closes out after investigating, as is typical.

After ten-year-old Michael, a slim Black boy with big eyes and a bigger grin, said something at school about his parents letting him smoke marijuana, CPS showed up at the family’s apartment to investigate. I sat with Michael and his mother April as the investigator questioned them on their front porch (both names are pseudonyms to protect their privacy).

From the start, the investigator conveyed to April that she wasn’t particularly concerned about the allegations of maltreatment, recognizing Michael’s penchant for saying things he knew would get him attention. But with the agency’s power to separate families, the experience generated immense anxiety for April—“automatic worry and panic,” she said. Even as April knew Michael wasn’t using marijuana, she understood that the investigator could make things up or blow things out of proportion. “All night long, barely being able to sleep,” April told me when I first interviewed her, the day after CPS came by. “Did I say something wrong? What did I say? Oh, God. I am 31, and it made me nervous. It made me wanna throw up all night long.” “Nervewracking” was the word April kept returning to in describing the experience.

Investigations can be stressful for children as well, with a stranger entering their home to question them and their parents. During that first interview with April, she received a phone call from the school, telling her that Michael “had a bad day.” CPS’s visit “was heavy on him,” April shared, relaying what she’d just heard from the school. Apparently, Michael had some words with another student, landing him in the principal’s office. Once he arrived at the principal’s office, “he’s sobbing because he’s all turned up about the CPS situation.” The principal had Michael speak with the social worker. “They said that the whole time, he’s just crying… [With] CPS, yeah, it’s a lot. It’s a lot.” We ended the interview so that April could leave to pick her son up early from school.

For mothers like April, generally the primary focus of CPS’s intervention, investigations also undermine their sense of privacy and autonomy, reinforcing their powerlessness by bringing an outsider in to scrutinize their parenting.  “Now,” April reflected, “I have eyes looking at me, and those eyes are, ‘What the hell are you doing? What are you doing at home? Are you doing enough?’” The investigator visited April at home three times during the six-week investigation, gathering substantial information about her family’s personal life, well beyond the initial allegations. The hazy bounds of this surveillance produce a lingering sense of unease. Mothers aren’t always sure they can trust that CPS has fully closed out. Might the agency still be in their lives somehow, ready to strike at a moment’s notice? Or, might information provided to CPS make its way into the hands of other government agencies? CPS assured an undocumented mother they would not share her documentation status, for example, but this mother still worried that her CPS case could put her on the radar of immigration enforcement authorities. April’s case closed after investigation. But, reflecting on the information she’d shared, she said, “I don’t know what system that now is in… After that, I walk down the street, get in an accident, now they’re bringing up that time when my kid got—I have no idea. I’m a weird thinker. Anything could happen at this point, right?” Such concerns are understandable among mothers who have repeatedly encountered untrustworthy institutions.

And CPS reports can inhibit families’ engagement with potential sources of social and institutional support. April was frustrated that Michael’s school had turned first to CPS, rather than informing her about social work services available at the school. “You ain’t even trying to handle the issue,” she said. The experience confirmed to April that she couldn’t trust the school—it wasn’t looking to support Michael, but, rather, to target and blame her family, perhaps due to racial bias. Although she had chosen the school for its strong academic performance, April planned to find another school for Michael after the report. Time and again, mothers told me how hurt and betrayed they felt by the schools, hospitals, and other service providers that had accused them of child abuse or neglect. These feelings are important in themselves, exacerbating a sense of exclusion. By fueling distrust and disengagement, they also distance families from the very systems tasked with assisting them.

As scholars, advocates, policymakers, and the public are increasingly recognizing, then, it’s anything but innocuous to shuttle families to CPS cavalierly, to call on this agency to respond to all manner of concerns about children. CPS does sometimes help families in ways they appreciate; in April’s case, the investigator referred the family to an organization that found and paid for a summer camp that Michael loved, and April was looking forward to meeting with a therapist she hoped could help him. But there’s no reason this assistance had to come from CPS—we can imagine the school referring April to this same service, for instance. Such support for families, beyondCPS, is essential child protection work.

It might feel natural to try to promote child welfare by reflexively turning families over to the child welfare system. But taking a closer look reveals the costs of this approach.

[bcacstuff]

I think he may be acknowledging and engaging a bit more with some fans on Twitter after his ‘ break- up’ with ex super fan Ceej just to make a point , as well as the free ads . She still claims innocence but frankly I saw some of her tweets I’d have blocked her , she has or had a nasty side sometimes.

Doubt it had anything to do with Ceej getting blocked by him. It's more like it's 4th of July soon, so he hit up the 'marketing'. His avid buyers are mostly on Twitter. There's visibly more buyers on Twitter than on IG. So there is where he needs to get his sales from.

Ceej is a bit moody from time to time I think 😉, and she isn't that good in hiding it. She rather wants to show the whole world her moods. 🤷‍♀️ But hey, after one day mourning and telling she didn't want to have anything to do with this fandom and him anymore, she was already going from not wanting to watch OL any longer to well, she had to watch because she wanted to know how it will all end. And after she posted she's not going to sign up for MPC, posting that she had some MPC flags to sell, and was glad she didn't had to support his business any longer, the next day she created another account. It took one more day and she followed him again from that account. (because, you see, she's an admin in some FB groups, so she had to 😉). And then she found a little comfort in what she saw on Deuxmoi!^^

Noooooooo.... it wasn't him, it was some stupid intern! Blame the intern 🙈

Btw. The new account named WhiskySipper77 on Twitter, is also the name she's an account right here on Tumblr, where she tries to convince others that he's not using Twitter since 2020 and it's all a PRAgency. See her post

Guess that PR Agency was also responsible for his tweets about Charles III, him being annoyed when he had to wait in line for a long time at Heathrow, and is happily Tweeting and RT-ing coincidentally when he's having night shoots. The intern even adapts to his times when he's in another timezone... smh. Yeah, well, she needs to comfort her self I get it.

She's still angry at him though

Best show not on TV... to be continued....

[ssaalexblake]

It's really common to see criticism against 13 in how she's passive, especially related to the Timeless Child (i.e. the Master making the discovery, Swarm killing Tecteun, not having memories of the past so she isn't held accountable for her past actions). Just missing the point of how maybe she having agency removed by others might be the point and I guess, sorry the Doctor didn't commit matricide on national television?

acknowledging that 13's having her agency removed was on purpose would require being willing to accept that the timeless child story is a critique of imperialism and colonization, and of how people use and abuse refugees and erase them from cultural history. Or possibly just people managing to even Realise this all, never mind accept it.

Like, yeah, sorry, she has no control over these things that were done/are being done to her, there is a reason for this. Like portraying her value and right to know these things Anyway. Like how she's a whole complete person deserving of respect despite not knowing. The story says she has a right to own her own past, but it's not callous enough to imply she was lesser When she didn't have it. Those without agency are not lesser. Cough. Bit of a point, that.

But also, i'd raise the point that the idea of having and using whatever agency you Do have Inside of oppressive systems and situations is a massive theme here. 13 may not have a lot of agency, but she sure as hell isn't Passive. Passive is sitting around waiting for things to happen To you, that is not the doctor. If nothing else, they tend to run away at top speed to avoid things rather than let them happen. 13 is never Passive. Having things happen To you doesn't make you passive, like? You Can be passive in these situations, but this is not even close to a foregone conclusion. 13 seeks out answers, a lot! Ask Yaz, she'll tell you how much she wanted to stranger her for not being transparent about what she was looking for. It's canon that 13's Actions drove Tecteun's, making the doctor the first domino (like, I mean from a cold sequence of events kind of way. It was Not 13's fault that Tecteun did this, but she Did cause Tecteun to act).

(also, lol, Karvanista would have Loved if 13were passive. No Such Luck.)

But yeah, anyway, agency In systems that try to strip it from you is a ~thing here that holds hands with the anti-imperialism themes. Fugitive!Doctor did not have the agency to do much of anything but she ran far far away. She could do that even if she couldn't get out of division by being allowed to just leave. Vinder (the doctor metaphor) exercises his agency in an oppressive military state by simply reporting what his leader did that was wrong. He couldn't stop him, but he could sure as hell stand up for his principles despite what it cost him. That is a use of the agency he Did have in a system designed to strip it all away from him.

In reality, we All live in systems we can't escape. We all live at the mercy of the actions of those around us. That doesn't mean we are entirely helpless or totally powerless. A small action in response is an action we chose based upon the options we had regardless.

So yes. The lack of agency is a plot thing. I respect that female characters not having agency in fiction simply because it never occurred to the writers to give it to them is a Massive issue, but this isn't that.

And yeah, sure, Matricide. Obvs what we want on our little family show??? I think maybe we should just realise that the doctor was not going to kill Tecteun. Swarm did not kill tecteun Instead of 13. The doctor is many things, but somebody who just kills somebody in front of them because of what they did to them? No. Swarm happened to kill Tecteun, there is no indication that he stole some kind of kill shot from the doctor because the doctor was not, actually, attempting to kill her herself! As much as i'd sympathise with a game of who gets to Tecteun, this scene was Not that.

Also... Uh, even aside from the above, how was 13 going to kill Tecteun? Swarm's whammy meant no regeneration, 13 doesn't possess that kind of permanent kill shot.

And honestly. Whatever, You wanted 13 to find out about this on her own? Fine, whatever, but that's a preference not a critique. Personally I think it'd be hard to find a way for her to find this out through a sequence of events entirely based upon her own control. She was running from her past and from Gallifrey, she was not going to find this out without somebody else telling her? She's not the master who Would go digging through the matrix for sheer funsies and nosiness. Or possibly boredom. If the doctor is bored or nosey they go meet strangers.

So yeah, she had little agency in certain areas. It's because she's representing a subset of people whose agency has been stripped from them. That's kind of the point!!!

[cruelfeline]

Hello, back with more bullshit about the abomination comment:

The comment is interesting regarding Frey and Cuff's dynamic of being foils to each other as well.

Frey most likely spent the majority of her life thinking that she was fundamentally unwanted and unlovable, that she didn't really have a place in the world. How could she not? But by the end of the game, she's been offered a chance to readjust her perception of herself and move on— not really heal, not yet and not from such a deep wound, but her relationship to the people of Cipal and the plight of Athia, Cinta's admission of love and the understanding of the frought nature of her birth and arrival in New York, give her a point to pivot from. She has worth, she has agency, and people can love her, do love her. Frey has a place in the world and was always wanted, even if her life didn't pan out in a way that made it easy for her to know that.

Cuff, on the other hand, has a strong belief in both his purpose and his existence being wanted— he has a task, and he was purpose made for it, so of course he's intentional and a desirable asset for the Rheddig, and of course he should be loyal to them and their whims, they made him! He's willing to do things he's clearly conflicted about just because it's what he's for, and cape for the Rheddig just because he's tangentially linked to them. It'd be easy to think, then, that the Rheddig might appreciate him as a part of their faction to instil such loyalty (as Frey kind of does, because she sees Cuff as a person), but no, the game goes on to show that no one else really sees Cuff as either a person or as something that should exist at all. Unlike Frey, though, he doesn't really acknowledge it aside from is comments during their fight about his duty, but even then it's not to judge how others perceive him, just to kind of internalise that view of him and make it acceptable within his framing of himself.

Idk, it's just kind of neat that they sort of end up at opposite points to each other in this regard— even if Cuff ends up there from us gaining knowledge of him, rather than his character gaining knowledge of himself.

(Sorry for the word vomit haha, hope you're having a good day)

I am having a lovely day, and your commentary has brightened it further!

You're absolutely right.

One of the most interesting contrasts between Cuff and Frey pertains to their sense of self and their sense of duty.

As you say, they're opposites. Frey starts out with a very low opinion of herself, convinced that she's a screw-up whom no one could love, only to eventually understand that she was loved and had value all along.

Cuff maintains this sense of pride in what he is, apparently believing himself to be valued by those who made him and secure in his purpose, but as time goes on, this seems less and less grounded in reality. He is an "it" to everyone save for Frey. And, ultimately, he seems very unaware of any of the machinations involving him, as evidenced by his ignorance of his own rebirth in the DLC. Slowly but surely, it feels like we're approaching the realization that he has no revelation of love and want waiting for him in Rheddah.

In terms of duty, Frey goes from shying away from it - believing herself unable to rise to meet it - to choosing, willingly, to devote herself to it. Whereas Cuff starts from a place of devotion that he did not choose, yet still believes he must remain true to, and ends up... well, we don't fully know. But the final battle's dialogue certainly suggest some doubt starting to emerge.

And all of this ultimately reverses their states of power!

Frey goes from unsure and frightened and depressed to confident and certain and strong. Where she had little agency before, she has plenty now, and she's willing to use it.

Cuff starts off with that confidence and certainty only to seem less sure by the end. He's less able to grasp his agency and use it, and he exhibits far more anxiety and concern in, say, the DLC than Frey does.

Frey gets better and grows healthier; Cuff gets strangely worse.

Gosh, I wish we could have seen how it all progressed!

[manuscripts-dontburn]

The Heroines

Author: Laura Shepperson

First published: 2023

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

Somebody else said this felt more like a fanfiction rather than a serious literary retelling and I have to agree, while I also add this particular fanfiction was super sub-par and messy. There is a plethora of characters who all sound exactly the same. ALL the men are awful. ALL the women are abused EVERY night by ALL these men. And ALL the characters are absolutely unbelievable within the context of the myth. These are yet again, 20th-century people. Furthermore, I was bothered by the usage of expressions like "madam", "land ahoy" and "ex-husband" in what is supposed to be an ancient Greek myth. And the Viking culture, from one of the minor characters, is supposed to come..... did not exist at the same time as the Ancient Athens. So bad.

The Pearl: A True Tale of Forbidden Love in Catherine the Great's Russia

Author: Douglas Smith

First published: 2008

Rating: ★★★★☆

There are very few books in English that focus on Russian nobility (while there are plenty on the tsars). Douglas Smith wrote Former People: The Final Days of the Russian Aristocracy in which he showed how that nobility was systematically wiped out after 1917, however in The Pearl he plunges right into what was probably the most spectacular time for that same privileged class. The unusual story of a nobleman and a serf getting married serves the narrative as a sort of Ariadne´s yarn, as the book provides quite a detailed and fascinating description of the phenomenon that was the serf-theater. The author does not paint the affair as a romantic fairytale, acknowledging facts like Praskovia being figuratively her lover´s property, the age difference (which, back then, was not really seen as an issue), and the power dynamics. I found the subject very interesting and the writing clear and infused with enough poetry of language not to be dry and academic.

Matilda

Author: Mary Shelley

First published: 1959

Rating: ★★★★★

In spite of the lack of action and being very, very wordy indeed, this book held me completely captive thanks to the beautiful language and especially the psychological depth. This ladies and gentlemen, would be a stunning candidate for a re-telling in a proper novel form.

The Fair Botanists

Author: Sara Sheridan

First published: 2021

Rating: ★★★☆☆

The greatest enjoyment I had from this book was walking the Edinburgh streets in my mind because I had visited the city last year and fell in love with it. However, even though the writing is very good, the storyline failed to capture my attention and seemed, indeed, rather boring.

The Tres Riches Heures of Jean, Duke of Berry

Author: Jean Longnon, Raymond Cazelles

First published: 1440

Rating: ★★★★★

Stunning presentation of a remarkable book. Besides beautifully drawn biblical stories some of the plates show life in medieval times, almost like a time capsule.

House of the Spirits

Author: Isabel Allende

First published: 1982

Rating: ★★★★☆

If I should compare this book to something, it would be to a lovechild of Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman and books by Vaddey Rattner (though the pain in the latter´s books is inflicted by the exact opposite side than the one in this). While Isabel Allende´s style is not exactly to my taste, the family saga she wove in this book is fantastic from beginning to end, with its weird, unique, and, yes, even downright awful people. However, the sexual musings of the men were uncomfortable and unnecessary.

The Agency for Scandal

Author: Laura Wood

First published: 2023

Rating: ★★★☆☆

This is a great book when you just want something sweet and to relax. Full of tropes (including there was only one bed), and a little basic when it comes to the plot (the idea of a Victorian secret society of undercover lady agents made me want much more than what was delivered), but charming in the way it is uncomplicated.

Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar

Author: Simon Sebag Montefiore

First published: 2003

Rating: ★★★★☆

Very impressive biography of a terrible person. I have not read much on Stalin (though I have researched the lives of ordinary people of Russia under his regime) so I have little to compare this to in terms of accuracy. However, the author, as always, never fails to present everything as the golden truth - including the mental aerobics of maniacs. Perhaps some skepticism and doubt would suit his over-confident narrative.

A Gathering of Shadows

Author: V.E. Schwab

First published: 2016

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

This felt as long as a 30-year war. The first 300 pages are a painfully slow set-up, that is actually so elaborate (and full of passages that just did not need to exist, because they were extremely repetitive) that when something actually does happen near the very end, there is no surprise or twist at all. I mightily disliked most of the main characters (Lila is insufferable) and the villains had the actual best motivation out of everybody. Also, I felt that considering that the whole book kept talking about the Elemental Games, the games themselves had very little to do with the actual plot and left no impact whatsoever. I need to think on whether I even want to read the third book - but knowing myself I probably will, because I am a completionist.

Divine Rivals

Author: Rebecca Ross

First published: 2023

Rating: ★★★★☆

If you loved Lovely War, you will love this one. The romance is impossibly sweet and well-paced, and by the end of the book, you feel that the happiness or tragedy of your two protagonists is really your personal business. I loved the medium of letters and found the atmosphere of war slowly but surely marching on to you believable and realistic. I really, really liked this - and was bummed out to realize this is not a stand-alone! I want the second book now, please!

[prettyhennytea]

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Sparkling Brunch, Therapeutic Confessions, and Friendships on the Rocks - Episode 16 Recap Hello there! Welcome back to our juicy recap of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 13, Episode 16. We had quite the episode this week, titled "Diamond in the Rough," as the ladies indulged in Annemarie's lavish diamond-themed brunch. So, let's dive right in and spill all the tea! We started with Erika meeting her therapist, Dr. Jenn, and boy, did she have a lot on her mind. Reflecting on her past struggles and newfound success with her Las Vegas residency, Erika opened up about feeling scared now that her financial safety net is gone. She also expressed disappointment in her fellow housewives not giving her the support and applause she expected when she won the appeal for her earrings. Dr. Jenn reminded Erika that true friends show their loyalty in tough times. During Sutton and Santos' hangout, Kyle joined them, and the Barcelona trip came up in conversation. Sutton was emotional about letting go of her marriage and had texted her now-ex-husband, Christian, that very morning, bidding him goodbye and good luck. Kyle, on the other hand, shared that she and Mauricio are in therapy together due to their work commitments affecting their relationship. It seems like Kyle wants to feel more prioritized, but hey, it's not easy when Mauricio's busy with The Agency! In the midst of all this, Garcelle was setting up a GoFundMe campaign for Cybersmile, an initiative against cyberbullying. She was proud of her son Jax for standing up against online hate and decided to grant him more freedom. We're excited to see how that turns out for them! Let's not forget Kyle and Mauricio's bonding time at home, discussing their therapy sessions. While Mauricio found them 'fun,' Kyle wasn't exactly laughing during those intense moments. Can we get a break from the serious talks, please? We miss their happy and fun moments together! During Annamarie's luxurious Diamonds and Champagne Brunch for Mother's Day, tensions between her and Crystal were the highlight. There was an incredible spread of delectable food and even a jeweler showcasing a mesmerizing $3.5 million necklace. Talk about opulence! And while Sutton grumbled about the lack of handrails, she seemed ready to party, giving off those tipsy vibes. Meanwhile, Erika, understandably traumatized by jewelry-related issues, opted to browse rather than shop. Smart move, Erika, better safe than sorry! Erika expressed her happiness over Crystal's apology while subtly hinting that some other co-stars should apologize too. Ah, the drama continues! Annemarie took Crystal aside, and they both agreed to disagree and keep moving forward. Surprisingly, Annemarie also wanted the drama to fade away. But hey, the rest of the ladies wanted the inside scoop, so they sent Kyle on a secret spy mission. Little did they know, Crystal and Annemarie had already made amends and were hugging it out. Sorry, ladies, no juicy gossip for you! Tipsy Sutton then spilled the beans about her second date with Steve, sharing an admirably sweet text he sent. Erika hilariously commented about the controversial topic, but Sutton teased that she needs a health certificate before venturing into that territory. Better safe than sorry, right? The discussion took a turn towards Erika feeling let down by the lack of support from her friends during her tough times. She expressed her desire for apologies from certain individuals, but also acknowledged that if they genuinely wanted to apologize, they would've done so already. When Dorit tried to speak up, Erika reminded her of a past incident at a Kathy Hilton's Infamous Dinner Party from Hell, effectively shutting down the conversation. Garcelle stuck to her opinion, standing her ground, but still not wanting Erika to ofall. Sutton, amidst her tipsy state, sincerely apologized to Erika, and Erika appreciated her gesture. Emotions ran high as Erika broke down in tears, and Sutton embraced her, repeating her apology. Kyle chimed in, acknowledging if Erika felt unsupported by her, she was sorry. Erika acknowledged that not everyone will apologize as she wants, but she feels a sense of closure and was grateful for Sutton's apology. Phew! We can finally let go of the earring appeal drama. Next week is the Season 13 finale, and it looks like we'll be getting some insight into what led Kyle and Mauricio's separation. Stay tuned for the grand finale folks!

[josiebelladonna]

another reason why i’m picky about reading erotic fanfic (besides “those two” and the fact that it all seems one-note with very little variety coupled with the fact that second-person perspective is officially at “polished turd” status): it…

actually makes me feel terrible about myself.

yeah. for real. i’m completely serious about that.

today i was reading temple’s fic afterglow just out of curiosity (also because i tried with her: even with her being two-faced, if she was trapped in a mudslide, i’d pull her out) and. one thing that has always made me trip balls over her and the green druidess’ writing—always, without fail—is how their descriptors always seem so self-assured, how they describe their own characters as “gorgeous” and “beautiful” and the like, and i never really saw the appeal of that in any of my writing because i know what they’re doing, it’s to help themselves feel better about themselves (knowing them, they have no shortage of that whatsoever, so you can see why i have a hard time seeing the point and i actually find it dumb, tbh). but i had to stop at one point because it was making me feel terrible about myself.

it always happens to me with het fic: there’s a fic in the metallica tag, “groupie love”, and it does this to me, too. nevermind who it’s written by for a second: i cannot read these fics because they make me aware of how inadequate and unsexy i am, especially when i think about how fucking popular their fics are. you would think reading something erotic makes you feel erotic, no, it has the opposite effect on me: it makes me feel terrible about myself (maybe that’s another reason why i hate second-person perspective, aside from it just not looking right and it feels incredibly pointless and lazy when you start bringing inclusivity into it. sorry, i can’t imagine myself in this scenario and no amount of complaining about lack of inclusivity will change my mind. make up an original character, it’s literally not hard).

sexuality has always been a very delicate subject for me but when i see andi referring to herself as gorgeous, or tommy calling her that, or—hell—either joey, peter, or nikki referring to lizzy as that, it reminds me of how i have no sexual agency and i have never been desired, by anyone… ever. all het fic rated mature or explicit does this to me: just the thought of it alone will do this to me. it reminds me that there’s no room for me. and the fact that good company is very few and far between doesn’t help. “there’s room for all sexualities and all genders!” fucking tell this to fanfic circles, where there is either literally no imagination on the back of bad company, or they’re all obsessed with “you” and “y/n” rather than giving something personal or autobiographical, something true to them rather than what they want their *~mUtUaLs~* to feel. i have to write what tickles me myself because everything else quite literally makes me feel awful about myself (or it just doesn’t jump out at me). it’s taken me this long to just sniff the ass of the 200-read mark because when i first joined ao3 in 2019 and debuted with have your cake and eat it, i thought for sure that i would hit the ground running with it because i was starting to acknowledge my kinks then. but, no: i didn’t get my first kudos until like… chapter 20, and i think i had 4 by the time it was done. then the green druidess showed up and she may as well have told me “you’re doing it wrong” when i got to the sexual parts of now it’s dark (actually surprised she didn’t but… i also am not, she’s way too passive-aggressive). i’m just not good enough.

it makes me wonder if i can actually be on a fanfic site because it just opens up my wounds again and i feel inadequate and i have to remind myself of my own sexuality to ground myself. i shouldn’t have to do that, but i do because i’m damaged goods. plus, i already can’t stand fake confidence on its own because face it: it does not work for everyone. but when that fake confidence is obviously weaponized, it’s used in a way to beat someone down… it’s the worst thing ever. and with them, it’s exactly what they were up against, too.

[soletlunasims]

Before I continue with the story, I just want to make a quick disclaimer about my writing style and the pacing of it all.

This is the first time I have tried to do something like this. All of my other Sims creative content was either machinemas I made or let's play I have streamed. I am still not all that comfortable with the blogging thing. As I have noted before, I would like this story to have a lot of visuals and less writing to match how a lot of other simmers do it. I feel like I have a tough time shortening my content to fit all of the details into a more digestible size. I'm trying to learn and I hope I can figure it out. While I really enjoy writing the longer blurbs, I know that, as a reader myself, I'm more apt to read something that I can get through in a couple of minutes rather than having it feel like I'm reading a whole novel. It's this generation.

TLDR: I'm figuring it out and this family is a test run of what I'm hoping will turn into a really fun project.

Ares was livid. She had never thought in a million years that Gunnar would use that tone with her. Who did he think he was, anyway? She sipped on her wine, disregarding the safety of the child she was growing. After all, it wasn't really her problem, she thought.

A little wine, classical music on low and a bit of the news. All while she had someone to wait on her 24/7. That was peak pleasure for Ares. An escape from the chaos of school work..... and other things she was not willing to think about.

Sooner rather than later, she did have to think about those things because it was very hard not to when she couldn't button her pants anymore. Or when walking by a mirror made her feel like one of those models in the maternity magazines. Or just general changes pregnancy can and will do to your body.

Ares was irritated about having to acknowledge it but it was a good reminder to her as well that she had to figure out what she was going to do when it actually got here.

For months, she had been putting it off. She had never procrastinated on anything so hard in her life. But when the time came to get serious about it, she couldn't find the courage to look into it.

Eventually, she forced herself to start the process of putting her baby up for adoption. She called to make an appointment with an adoption agent which, in itself, was not hard. She was actually relieved a bit.

That was until she actually met with the agent. Anxiety crept up on Ares as she entered the Agency. Not an unfamiliar feeling to her by any means but, somehow, this was different.

The Agent showed her to their office: "Alright, Ms. Palette! Are you excited to get the process started?"

That question made Ares tense up. "Ah... I...I ah yeah.... Yes."

The Agent stared at Ares for a moment, noticing Ares shifty demeanor. "Uh-huh...... Okay. Well. I'm going to ask you a few questions to fill out your portfolio. This will give interested parents to be insight on who they are adopting. Where their DNA came from. And..... Are they getting a healthy baby."

For some reason, that last bit of information struck a nerve with Ares. Was she growing a healthy baby? The doctors seemed to think so but she wasn't exactly doing what they told her to or following any expectant mother blogs, telling her how to take care of herself during pregnancy. She didn't take prenatals. And she drank the occasional glass of wine. Ares never saw a reason to stop because the doctors never said anything was wrong.

Ares took a deep breath. "Oh...o..okay."

The Agent squinted their eyes briefly before moving on. "Question 1: What is your reason for placing your baby up for adoption?"

Ares took a moment to answer. "I am unable to take care of it at this time in my life."

Agent: "Question 2: Are you willing to accept that your child may be adopted by a family who may never want them to know you as their biological parent?"

Ares answered faster this time. "Yes"

Agent: "3. Do you suffer from any physical or mental chronic illnesses?"

Ares: "Not that I'm aware of..."

The Agent still sensed that Ares was uneasy. "You're doing fine, Ms.Palette. Two more question for today and then I can get you out of here. First of all, do you know the gender of the baby?"

Ares shakes her head.

Agent: "Last one for now. Do you know the biological father of this baby?"

Ares sat in silence for a few seconds too long before she answered. "I am unwilling to share that information at this time."

After all of that, Ares was exhausted. She couldn't wait to go home. One thing bothered her, though. At her last OB appointment, she denied wanting to know the sex of the baby but for some reason, the agent stirred up a curiosity and she had to know.

Ares called her OB. "Hello... Yes. I know I said I didn't want to know the gender of my baby... Is there anyway I could get that info?...... Oh you have it on file?..... Oh good... Yeah... Yes I would like to know."

A moment later Ares learned the baby's gender. Emotions flooded her as she heard the news. She laughed. She cried. It was all becoming too real for her.

About two months before Ares was expected to have the baby, she had finished her 5th semester. "Only one more to go. I can do this!". Ares was determined as ever. Part of it was 3rd trimester hormones. She was in what other expectant mothers would call 'nesting mode' and that definitely gave her a boost in her ability to focus on her goals. The other part of it was knowing that soon she would be a free woman by the time she rolled into her 6th and final semester. She could leave all of this pregnancy nonsense behind her.

Ares spent her break at the Britechester family home. She was still hiding from everyone. Even her Dads were unaware of her pregnancy. At least she assumed. If Gunnar said anything about it, they definitely would have called her. It was better that they didn't know. As far as she was concerned, they weren't grandparents. That would imply that she was a mom and she wasn't one.

Come to think of it, Ares hadn't really heard from Chip very much. Caleb called her at least once every two weeks but Chip never really called. He would send a meme here or there or an 'I love you. I'm proud of you.' text. It kind of made sense, though. She didn't really spend as much time with Chip as she got older.

Ares, unwittingly to herself, smiled at the thought of her family. She really did have it made growing up. Most importantly, she had two parents that cared about her more than anything in the world.

Ares' face fell slightly as she thought about how lucky she was to have people like that in her life. Thoughts intruded her head about the people she, not only had, but seemingly pushed away. She thought about Gunnar for the first time since their fight.

Ares gritted her teeth slightly. Not because she was mad at Gunnar but because she was embarrassed about her behavior toward Gunnar. She was saddened about her choice to cast him out. She felt so stupid. How could she fix it now? It seemed impossible.

Ares spent the next week trying to figure out the best way to get a hold of Gunnar. At first, she tried to call him. He wouldn't answer.

Then she started texting him:

"Gunnar... Can we talk?"

"please?"

"I want to apologize"

That didn't work either. Ares tried calling him a few more times in the following days. The problem was that she still didn't know what she was going to say to him if she did get ahold of him. Then it dawned on her. She knew exactly how to get him to talk to her. She texted him one more message:

"You're having a son"

Ares stared at her phone, breath held, as she waited for anything in response.

About two minutes later, she saw:

Gunnar is typing...

Then it disappeared.

Ares exhaled and hung her head. A second later she was jolted by the ringing of her phone. It was Gunnar!

She answered, fumbling as she tried to put the phone up to her ear. "He.....hello?" Her heart was pounding furiously. Her mouth was suddenly as dry as a desert. She was in a cold sweat. She could hear Gunnar on the other end. He wasn't saying anything but it sounded like he was crying.

Ares said nothing. She didn't know what to say. She almost considered hanging up when Gunnar finally spoke up. "What do you mean by that?"

Ares heart broke, listening to him like this. How could she have been so cruel to him and let it stagnate for this long. Gunnar deserved better. He didn't need Ares in his life. She was toxic for him. But she could mend things, at least. She could fix what she had broke. She wanted to see him happy.

Ares still struggled to formulate what to say to Gunnar but she managed something. "I think you were right. You should raise your son if you want to.... So.... Do you want to?"

Ares heard what seemed to be a cross between a sigh of relief and sobbing. She stayed quiet.

Gunnar eventually found the composure to ask Ares a question. "Is it okay if I fly out there sometime soon. When you aren't busy?"

Ares told him that she was currently on break and that he should come soon. There wasn't much time left to prepare for the baby's arrival.

-The Following Week-

Gunnar made it to Britechester. He stayed for a weekend but he got a hotel. It was still too much for the two of them to hang out for an extended period of time. Even so, they spent the two days Gunnar was there together. The first day was Ares catching Gunnar up on all of the local stuff going on in Britechester. She also talked about how school had been but only because Gunnar asked.

Gunnar didn't want to push Ares into talking about what they both knew he was there for. He didn't want to back her into a corner and scare her out of her decision. He waited patiently for her to bring it up.

The second day he was there, they made a platonic date for the local bubble tea shop.

Ares sipped her strawberry tea. "Finally got the rain check cashed on the bubble tea.", She joked. "I prefer the coffee better but... Ya know... Caffeine isn't good for a growing baby."

Gunnar perked up at that. "Is that so?" He tried to play it cool and let Ares lead the conversation.

Ares nodded at him. " Speaking of... I suppose we should talk about.... It."

Gunnar sipped his drink. "Yes. That is what I'm here for, isn't it?"

Ares lost her smile when he said that.

Gunnar quickly tried to backtrack. "Oh, no. Ares. I didn't mean it like that."

Ares cut him off. "No... No it's okay. You are here for that. It's okay. Really." She folded her arms into herself, rubbing her upper arm, trying to comfort herself.

Gunnar nodded at her but he felt like an asshole for the way he just talked to her, even if it wasn't meant to sound that way.

Ares proceeded to talk. "So i know what I said about the adoption thing.... I was serious about it. I went through with it as far as setting up a portfolio for me and getting one ready for baby. But....." Ares started to feel a lump in her throat. "But when I actually sat down to do it... It didn't feel right. Then they asked me about the gender and I said I didn't know it but that was because I told the doctors I didn'twannaknow.... Sorry. I'm rambling." Tears started to roll down her cheeks. " Long story short. I called the doctor back to ask them the gender. It.... It made it feel so real. Up until then, I ignored it. Treated it like a benign growth that would go away after 9 months. But when the doctor told me I was having a boy, it was like I hit a wall..... I still can't raise this baby. And I still don't want anyone to know I have had him. But I could never rob you of the opportunity to raise the child that you helped me create. I'm sorry, Gunnar. I know how much I have fucked up. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I just want to do right by you. You never have to see me again if you don't want to. Give your son the life he deserves. But, please....... can you not tell him about me?"

Gunnar just stared at Ares while she was talking. He wanted to give her room to talk and time to digest the information she was telling him. Once she had said her peace, he took a deep breath, his arms also crossed as he was keeping his guard up. "Well...." He started. "I think it might be best if we don't see each other for, at least, a while." It pained him to admit that but he knew that boundaries were what they needed. Ares knew she was toxic for him. Gunnar also knew he was toxic for her. He continued his thoughts. "I think we have spent too much time together and maybe that muddled our true feelings. I never lied, though. I do love you. But my love was misplaced. I don't need you to be mine, Ares. I need you to know that, no matter where you go in life, you made a positive impact in mine. Am I angry at you sometimes? Probably more than you have ever realized? Do I feel sad when I'm not near you? All of the time.". Without realizing it, Gunnar grabbed Ares' hands and held them while he was making his point. "But we are adults now. I know it's not healthy. The infatuation I have for you. I want to just love you. Appreciate you from a distance." He started to tear up. "I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to raise this baby. I will do right by him. That's a promise. And I won't tell him about you if that truly is your wish. But, Ares.... I.... I can't not tell your dads.... You understand that, right?"

Ares is silent for a moment. She figured this might happen. She hadn't told her dads anything about being pregnant. She imagined what would happen if they saw a baby just show up out of nowhere. But, again, she felt her dads deserved to be grandparents if they wanted. She definitely would get an earful from them, but she knew that they would also obey her desire to keep her relationship to the baby under wraps. "I think that's okay. I think they would like to be involved and help you out. They love you. Probably more than I ever showed you myself." Ares snorted.

Gunnar chuckled at her stale joke. He was just glad they could find common ground. He was relieved to know that he wouldn't have to go behind Ares back to find his kid. Gunnar would have done anything to get his child.

Ares smiled at him. She jolted suddenly. "Oh ! It..... He kicked. Oooh and hard this time. Woah. He's excited about something. Maybe about getting to go home with daddy in a couple of months?"

Gunnar's heart fluttered when he heard that. He was someone's dad now. His cheeks flushed.

Ares noticed. She grabbed Gunnar's hand and put it on her belly.

Gunnar gasped. "Woah... That's wild! Can I.... Talk to him. Or is that too weird for you?"

Ares nodded. "I'm okay with it."

Gunnar leaned over to talk to Ares' belly.

"Hey, buddy.... It's your dad. Man, I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to hold you and cuddle you and give you all the love I can. I want to watch you grow and I want to teach you about all of the things I like. And I hope you teach me some things that you like, too! It'll be you and me against the world, little dude.... I can't wait."

Gunnar was in awe. It was a miracle to him. He was going to be a wonderful father, Ares just knew it.

Unfortunately for Gunnar, he had to go back home but he was also excited because he got to turn the guest room into a nursery. He spent the last two months baby proofing, decorating and getting baby supplies in preparation for the big day.

When that day came, Ares was given a bunch of information from Gunnar for the birth certificate and his custody. Most importantly of all was the name.

There was an arrangement made to have Ares adoption agent fly with the baby to the airport where Gunnar picked him up. Originally, Ares felt bad about calling up her Agent and telling them that she was withdrawing her adoption but the agent seemed relieved. They said they could sense that Ares was making a huge mistake. When Ares told them the whole story, the agent was pleased to offer any kind of help in the process.

Ares wasn't in labor very long before she delivered a healthy baby boy. The delivery doctor weighed him. "7 pounds. 6 ounces. Do we have a name for the little fella?"

Ares smiled as she took her first and last look at at her son... Or rather Gunnar's son.

"His name is Bowie. Bowie J Delgato"

And with that. Ares was a free woman and Gunnar was raring to start the next chapter of his life. His little buddy by his side.

[sepublic]

Not to be controversial but I’m seeing people criticize the Plantars for being too ‘harsh’ towards Sasha during The Dinner, and I love Sasha but like...

...Their treatment is perfectly fair, considering she tried to murder two of them??? Knowingly, and with plenty of agency in the matter??? Like she straight up wanted Hop Pop dead, and then tried to kill Sprig, a freaking child, just for standing up to Anne and being an actual friend to her.

YES Sasha said sorry but that’s really about it; And I don’t think survivors of an attempted murder owe their attacker forgiveness. I think the Plantars were fully in their right to act obnoxiously, and probably not even that intentionally; A real apology comes with preparation for no forgiveness, and as it turns out, Sasha had never even meant her apology to begin with.

Plus, Sprig is a kid; He was ten, nearing eleven at the time. Sasha is officially thirteen but we all know she’s sixteen, Matt and the crew openly admitted to writing the girls as such; So she’s even older than Sprig, he’s two-thirds her age. Obviously to us older fans, they’re ALL kids, but from the perspective of Sprig, Sasha is this much bigger, much older person who tried to kill him. It doesn’t help that Sasha justified it with some pretty racist rhetoric, dismissing them as ‘just frogs’, and need I remind you that frogs are already at the bottom of a caste system as-is.

Point is, Sprig is a tiny kid, he’s allowed to be immature, especially towards an older teenager that tried to kill him. Most of Sasha’s reparations by that point were mostly towards Anne, with the Plantars as kind of a side-bit to earning Anne’s forgiveness, and it shows. Likewise if I was Hop Pop... Again, being set up for a public execution warrants any amount of salt imo. And as a parent who’s already lost ONE child, you can imagine he’s not very happy about someone who tried to kill his grandkid.

In all honesty, the Plantars are showing a HUGE amount of grace towards Sasha, just by virtue of their love and respect for Anne’s wishes. That’s very mature of them in and of itself, so I think Sasha wouldn’t really have any right to hold any ‘pettiness’ against them when they’re nevertheless letting her into their home. Especially since, again, it really was all a ploy to manipulate everyone. And I don’t think Anne needs to be called out on that, letting the Plantars rib Sasha because again; She can’t tell them how to feel. She can try to acclimate Sasha and vouch for her, but the Plantars are fully entitled to their feelings on someone who tried to kill all but one of them.

I’m just saying, from an apologizer’s standpoint, Sasha is in no place to really demand anything. And again, at least some of Sprig’s immaturity can be boiled down to him just being a little kid in general. Plus if Turning Point is any indication, Sasha still had yet to fully acknowledge and respect the frogs as people, or at least people worthy of respect. And in all honesty, I feel the Plantars were more insensitive and unthinking than anything else; But if they were malicious, honestly I wouldn’t hold that against them considering what Sasha did and actually didn’t regret.

I love Sasha, she’s a problematic fave, but she’s also exactly that; Problematic. Trying to murder two people and dismissing them in a very racist way all the while is NOT great, especially since Sasha tried to kill Sprig for a fairly harmless, if defiant, gesture. And she honestly still hasn’t made up for it; Though defending their community of Wartwood in the Plantars’ absence might help redeem her for real in their eyes. That and real reparations and apologies with Anne, who they’re mostly giving Sasha a second chance for, and I’d say that’s rather gracious of them for both girls.

Like; When Sasha retorts that she only tried to kill them one time, the joke is that this is still a very unreasonable amount at all. I don’t think we’re supposed to agree and sympathize with Sasha in this regard, especially since the episode involves Sasha realizing her need for total control is really getting in the way of her social interactions. Part of releasing that control is letting people actually get to say how they justifiably feel and taking it into account, instead of getting pissed and literally flipping a table over it; And it also means taking responsibility for one’s actions and controlling them as well.

[hello-nichya-here]

As an autistic person and a Zuko fan, what do you feel about the people who headcanon Zuko as autistic to infantilize him?

YOU OPENED THE FLOOD GATES, MY FRIEND!

I hate it more than words could possibly describe, especially because I know that if Zuko were a real person, they'd be annoyed that he didn't magically stop being traumatized/disabled/mentally ill after getting a hug from all of them. And hate it even more that I just know that ten years ago (or less) those same people would armchair-diagnose Azula as autistic and deliberately misinterpret the "Lack of empathy" thing as proof that she is "broken beyond repair."

And the worst part is that I do see quite a few autistc traits in both of them (which would make even more sense since they're siblings and autism is genetic), so it's not even "the fandom making shit up to coddle Zuko and demoniza Azula yet again", but rather "More neurotypicals telling me that anyone who is like me should either be treated like a toddler or as a serial killer in the making."

"Autistic" isn't the only label these fuckers use to infantilize Zuko though. They do the same by claiming he has depression and PTSD - or rather, that he has the hollywood version of it, in which he is a poor, sad little boy, but that never shows any of the ugly/unpleasant symptoms of mental illness/trauma because that wouldn't allow them to sanitize and romanticize those conditions. They go as far as acting like Zuko wasn't constantly struggling with his temper, that he didn't unfairly lash out a people, and that the condition that would EASILY fit him the most is not anger issues - because that still has a much bigger stigma around it. That's the "wife-beater desease" or "abusive father desease." Surely their innocent, awkward little turtleduck would never be one of those people who are "monsters from the moment they're born" *rolls eyes*

Meanwhile, Azula gets labeled as a "psychopath" and narcisist (two diagnosis that could also be easily applied to Zuko if we use the same hyper vague criteria most people use when diagnosing Azula) because these are the disorders that make you "evil." She is also labeled as having schzophrenia because "scary crazy girl", and the fact that she shows signs of trauma and severe anxiety can never be acknowledged because that would mean she's human, and we can't have that. We also can't have Azula finding love with anyone. Zuko can be shipped with everyone and their mothers (literally) and have all of his trauma and mental illeness magically healed by his partner, but Azula can only be "shipped" with therapy.

But the thing that is just depressing is that this kind of deeply ableist reading of the characters isn't solely a fandom problem - Bryke and Yang validated that in the comics. Zuko, the guy who nearly froze to death because he just had to act immediately and go capture the Avatar in the middle of a snow storm, is now incapable of making any decision and is always hesitating and paralyzed with fear. Azula is sent to an asylum to be abused so badly that she develops a split personality (aka the desease hollywood says make you a serial killer that isn't aware they are a serial killer because it was their other personality that commited all the attrocities) and her family even gets a "normal" and "perfect" little girl to compensate them for the "burden" they had to deal with for so long.

And remember: those comics that comepletely negate Zuko's agency and helped fuel the gross belief that Azula is "too dangerous to be rehabilitated/keep her bending/be left alive" are meant to be an extension of the universe of AVATAR, THE LAST AIRBENDER - a show that has it's main conflict start because Sozin wanted to help the other nations, and did so by treating them like completely incapable of knowing what was best for them, and then when they rejected his "help" he decided that maybe they didn't deserve to be treated with any kind of decensy, or to even be allowed to live after all. HOW did Bryke miss the point of their own story so badly?

[seek--rest]

I see a promising fic summary.

I click the fic.

“There’s Peter Parker, my regular customer who has shown up for the past six months and seems to know everything about me.”

I click out of the fic.

Can we as a fandom please collectively move on from the normalization of stalking as Romantic?

Can we PLEASE stop pretending that Peter using information that he knows about MJ to get closer to her— ESPECIALLY in the context of post-NWH isn’t dub-con at the LEAST? Not even getting to the frankly triggering content out there passed off as identity reveals & “memory issues” when it’s just flat out non-consensual and dark as fuck if anyone actually had a critical thought about these things

Can we PLEASE stop making it so that MJ (& Ned who barely exists in fic for that matter) have so little agency that it’s only because Peter is manipulating or stalking them showing up constantly that THAT is what prompts them to realize their memories are missing?

Can we PLEASE acknowledge that even in the aftermath of Peter constantly showing up at MJ’s place of employment could be seen as not creepy, OOC or weird, that it’s NONSENSICAL for MJ to just completely take Peter’s lies and betrayal in stride because she “totally loves him” rather than idk, feeling creeped out and hurt that he strung her along for months?????? Not to mention NED??? His best friend??? WHY IS HE CONSTANTLY AN AFTER THOUGHT????

This is exactly why I didn’t want a canonical amnesia ending because I just KNEW fandom wouldn’t know how to act with it and HERE WE ARE.

And before some clown gets their feelings hurt or wants to be mad in my inbox, I have literally zero power to actually prevent anyone from writing whatever nonsense they want to. I can and WILL continue to write the kind of content I want to see. But I am Simply ASKING people to think beyond the shipping goggles for (1) moment and reconsider why the Default Fix-It involves creepy OOC behavior at best or abusive, manipulative, non-consensual characterization at worst.

People can write what they want and I can be just as upset that the kind of content that valued Peter, MJ and Ned as People with Depth and Life has dwindled in favor of OOC paper dolls to project people’s own sadness and fantasies on that barely resembles what little we have in canon to begin with.

No one has to Like canon or even Adhere to Canon but the Trend of these things is mildly infuriating at best.

Not when Peter and MJ and Ned deserve so much better— in canon AND in fandom.

[keijislove]

Hi babe! I was wondering if I could request a Tony Stark x daughter reader? With lots of angst and her being locked in her room because she’s being bullied for her darker skin

(I understand if you’re not comfortable with this)

Safe Place: Tony Stark X Daughter!Reader

I think this turned out a bit longer than I expected.

Sorry :(

I hope you like this, I don’t really have a lot of experience with this matter, so I hope I captured the emotions right!

I AM APOLOGISING IN ADVANCE, THE HURTFUL COMMENTS MENTIONED HERE ARE NOT ONES I WOULD EVER USE IN MY LIFETIME.

GIRL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – YOU DON’T NEED DIMWITS LIKE RACISTS TO DEFINE BEAUTY. YOU WANT THE DEFINITION OF BEAUTY, GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

PUT A STOP TO RACISM.

WARNINGS: Slight EXTREMELY racial comments, mentions of death, toxic relationship, angst, Tony being a little... well, Tony.

Being Tony Stark’s daughter was nearly everyone’s dream. Well, everyone you’d come across at school, anyway. It seemed rational from their point of view – big house, big bedroom, expensive branded clothing, basically an overall exquisite lifestyle coupled with fame of being his daughter which was sure to earn popularity points anywhere and everywhere. A man rolling in that amount of money would make a great dad... right?

You thought differently. Which was one of the main reasons you did not tell anyone who your father really was and your teachers understood your predicament and played along to your story of being an ordinary girl with no scope for coolness whatsoever.

Your mother had met your father a long, long time ago – when Tony was still in university. Of course, he’d left her before he even knew she was pregnant, and they never saw each other again. You didn’t exactly love your life as his daughter. In fact, from what your mother had told you, he was (in your vision) a complete monster whom your mother had the sad misfortune to meet.

It was her untimely death that had forced you to go live with the man who was the reason you were born and the man who ruthlessly left your mother to fend for herself and a baby. You had tried for foster care, but the agents told you that your father was still alive and more than capable of taking care of you – being the famous Tony Stark and all.

So it would suffice to say that Tony was lowkey shocked when you turned up at his doorstep one day with a grudging expression and declarations of being his daughter. He actually didn’t believe you at first and asked you to piss off which confirmed your earlier assumptions about his character – asshole. After you’d snapped at him and showed him all the legal documentations stating that you two were blood-related as father-daughter after all, Tony was even more shocked than earlier.

Though he would rather die than admit it, he felt sad after seeing your fourteen-year-old self standing at his doorstep. He’d missed your birth, your first steps, your first words, he even missed helping you with homework in preschool – basically all precious moments you enjoy with a child. But you made it pretty clear that you didn’t want to be here – something that made Tony’s already overlarge pride swell like a bullfrog and stopped him from ever getting close to you. While you were busy thinking he didn’t want you, you overlooked a small detail – he took you in.

If anyone had the power to bribe an adoption agency to get rid of their kid, it was Anthony Stark, yet he never gave you away. The simple explanation (that he would never, in a million years, admit it to you) was that he didn’t want to lose you – around the only blood-related family he had left.

And so began your life as Y/N Stark. It functioned surprisingly well for your expectations. Pepper was really nice to you and those few occasions when the Avengers came over, you were able to talk to Natasha about ‘girl things’, her presence reminding you of the mother you had lost only too young. You sometimes even asked Bruce for help with homework, too proud yourself to go to Tony. Overall, you stayed out of his way while he stayed out of yours – an arrangement you were both satisfied with.

The worst part was that you never talked. Ever. You would wake up and walk to school, refusing Jarvis’ continued protests of letting you use the self-driving car, came home the same way where you did your homework and grabbed a snack before you ‘father’ came back upstairs from his little man cave in the basement and a small ‘good-evening’ passed between you two as you went your separate ways. This cycle repeated itself every day. Recently, your life at school hadn’t been going great.

You’d known that your skin tone was a notch darker than the others at your school – something you had gotten from your mother – and this was not something you really cared about. That’s when they started coming – the comments. What were originally small, snide retorts of ‘wash your face, ew!’ (A/N: I AM SO SORRY) had now escalated to them calling you obscene names you’d never heard before and asking you to leave ‘their’ school

Which was why, instead of being at school today, you were locked in your bedroom, sobbing into your pillow.

It had started out as a very unusual morning. After getting comments hurled at you left right and centre the previous day, you’d had enough. You’d woken up and declared to Jarvis that you were skipping school and he was to, under no circumstances, notify your father about this. After that you tried to eat some cereal, but the bubbling dread in your stomach made it taste like dry carpet, so you gave up and stomped into your room, locking the door before flinging yourself onto the bed and crying your heart out.

It was in times like these that you felt the need for something – a gaping hole in your chest. It seemed foolish to even admit it to yourself, but you really wanted someone like a parent. Someone who listened to your problems and comforted you accordingly, someone who actually cared about you. And since Tony Stark filled neither of these requirements, you gave up the foolish dream and sunk, once again, into your self-fashioned depths of misery.

-------

Tony casually sipped on his wine, putting one last screw into place to make the latest piece he was testing out. As he powered the device on, it vibrated for a moment before the words ‘model failed’ appeared on the screen Tony was examining.

He swore loudly and shoved it ungracefully aside before running his hands through his hair. There had been many an occasion where Tony seriously considered going to your room to just say something to you that wasn’t a monotonous ‘good evening’ or ‘the milk’s finished’ or something else like that. He wanted to talk to you. To you.

He wanted to get to know the real Y/N – what you were like when you weren’t too busy being bold and refusing to appear vulnerable. As if reading his thoughts, Jarvis’ voice filled the room suddenly.

“Sir, I do believe that Ms Stark is currently locked inside her bedroom. She refused to go to school just this morning.”

“What?” Tony exclaimed, “Why, did she tell you anything else?”

“Just this, Sir, along with a few obscene warnings of not informing you about this occurrence. If I recall correctly, Ms Stark told me she would rip out my sockets with her bare hands had I come to you.”

Ignoring the small smirk that was growing on his lips at the thought of you behaving exactly as he would, Tony wiped his tired hands on a nearby cloth before sprinting out the door and up the stairs to your bedroom.

He knocked on the door.

“Go away Pepper, not in the mood,” came your muffled voice. It was weak and raw – evidently, you had been crying.

Ignoring the poking feeling of dread bubbling in his stomach, Tony knocked again.

“Open up, kid, it’s me,” he shouted.

“Definitely not in the mood, thanks.”

Tony sighed. This was exactly what he had tried so hard to avoid –turning out like his own father. Not knowing how to deal with a daughter properly, he just let you go about your business as you wanted, hoping that it would yield better results than what his childhood had been like. Now, looking back at how much he’d neglected you, he suddenly realised that he had done the exact thing he was afraid of – hurt you.

“Y/N Y/M/N Stark, open the door. Please.”

Perhaps it was the please at the end or the way he acknowledged you as his living, breathing daughter for the first time that made you stagger limply over to the door and push it open.

Your eyes were puffy, red and swollen from bawling nonstop and your brows were knitted into a disapproving frown. It broke Tony’s heart to see you like this.

“Listening,” you sniffed, crossing your arms.

“Okay, why don’t you sit down,” Tony frowned slightly.

You gave another hearty sniff and led him to your bed where you flopped down and watched as he took a seat beside you.

You both sat in a very painful, deafening silence for the next few minutes.

“You didn’t go to school today,” Tony casually remarked as you played with your pillow, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I did,” you said simply.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” Tony offered.

“I really don’t,” you admitted as he burst out laughing and you gave a grudging giggle despite yourself.

“Seriously, kid,” Tony said in an undertone, “You’ve gotta open up a bit more. I mean, it’s been like what, two years since you moved here and you never bother telling me what’s going on. And look where that got you – come on, tell me what’s going on. Is it school?”

“Partially,” you quietly said to which he cocked an eyebrow.

“Completely,” you amended, sighing, “Kids, you know, they’re just being – well, mean.”

“Okay,” Tony nodded slightly, “You want to talk about it?”

“They... they make fun of me,” you admitted, “About – about my skin colour and stuff. And I know I’m being stupid, getting upset over this –”

“It’s not stupid,” Tony broke in, “It’s not stupid at all. Nothing gives anyone a right to talk to you that way.”

“Try telling that to them!” you burst out, final letting go of the pent-up emotions you’d been holding for days, “What did I ever do to them – it’s not my fault I look like this, maybe if I could choose what to look like, I’d choose something they want! Just about everyone seems to have a problem – what the hell do they expect me to do? It’s unjust, unfair, unsettling and unkind, but of course they don’t care, do they?!”

Tony didn’t even flinch throughout your entire outburst until you broke down and tears began rapidly pouring out of your eyes once more.

“Hey, hey, stop, listen to me,” Tony sternly said, seizing your shoulders and turning you to face him.

“You’re a Stark,” he said, gazing you dead in the eyes, “You are beautiful, you’re smart and you’re kind. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

This was too much for you to handle and you started sobbing again – sobs of partial happiness and partial guilt that didn’t look like they would stop anytime soon.

“Come here, kid,” was all Tony could say as he pulled you into a hug, allowing you to sob into his shirt while he stroked your hair, trying to calm you down.

“I’m sorry if I’ve ever been mean to you,” you whispered finally.

“It’s okay, kid,” Tony murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “I’m sorry I haven’t been a great father all this time.”

You two sat in a now comfortable silence, occasionally clearing your throats or sniffling a bit before Tony finally spoke.

“If anyone says that to you again, I will have them cut up and fed to the fish in my house in Malibu.”

“Thanks, dad.”

[rumblelibrary]

Okay this may sound like an oddly detailed request but can you do a Laszlo x reader where Laszlo has been courting the reader for a while and has never met her father, because her father is dead or abandoned her at a young age or something like that and she never told Laszlo, but Laszlo is instant on meeting him for some reason or something like that?

Sorry if thats a weird request

Unofficial Meeting [Dr Laszlo Kreizler x Fem!Reader]

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: a bit angsty, mention of old fashioned ideas

Author’s note: I hope you will like it and I respected your wishes <3

"Miss?"

The voice of your chamber maid called you distracting you from answering some correspondence.

"Yes?"

She smiled so widely as a bouquet of white roses and peonies was presented in front of you. She giggled as she was just so happy for you. You have been courted by Dr Laszlo Kreizler for some time now, but he never missed to send you flowers on a Saturday morning, it was his ritual since you two became serious.

"Those are so beautiful, miss"

She said excitedly before leaving you to read the note, she was probably living the romance through you which was quite weird but cute to witness.

You opened the card, Laszlo usually was a brief but intense poet, but this time the message was clear. Can I tempt you with a lunch at Delmonico's?

You frowned lightly before looking out of your window, his dark clothing making him strikingly visible in the greenery of the park in front of your house, he raised his hat for you and smiled.

Damn him and his top level courting.

You put your letters away and got ready spraying some perfume on you before going out, your maid helping you with your coat and hat.

When you stepped out of the front Door Laszlo was waiting in front of your gate.

"You could have called"

He smirked at you "it wouldn't have been a surprise" he concluded simply.

You smirked as it was true and you have also learned to admire the extent of Laszlo'd courtship. He was attentive and respectful, he knew when to trace a line to forbid any kind of bad talks. He was already famous for being a maverick and he didn't want to put that stigma on you too.

You obliged him as you walked your way together to the restaurant, he never failed to ask you about your day and your plans. he was very attentive and you reserved him the same tenderness asking him about his patients or latest articles.

Once you arrived at the restaurant you were brought to one of the best tables, Laszlo taking upon himself the honour to move your chair back behind you and then back toward you for you to sit comfortably.

"Thank you Laszlo"

He smiled proudly taking it as a compliment, but he looked rather stiff and tense for his usual mannerism toward you.

Once you ordered your meal he toyed with his glass of wine a bit attracting inevitably your attention.

"What is wrong?"

He looked at you surprised by your question, but he smiled because you sort of alleviated him from the weight of beginning what he wanted to ask.

"I was just wondering when I will be able to meet your father" he said just as directly as your question was "I met your grandmother and your uncles and aunts, I am missing somebody"

He said it quite easily as your mother had left this earth early for the standard and you regret she won't be able to see what an amazing man you met.

"You don't need to meet him"

He stared at you puzzled, what really concerned him wasn't your refusal, but more the hardness you showed into expressing it.

"I think I do"

You glared at him, your conversation briefly interrupted by the waiters landing the plates in front of the two of you.

He thanked them before looking back at you, your stern look still there.

You had discussions before but never of this size and also as much as he tried before to hint the theme of your father he wasn't acknowledged at all.

He also noticed how the rest of your family followed that same guideline, acting like they found you under a tree.

"I think it is something I have to do sooner or later"

You glared at him again.

"Stop it"

It was hard for him to stop. He was already launched on the theme and he was worse than a wild animal when he got fixated over a theme in particular.

You pushed some common ground theme while you ate. Like John or Sara's agency or other mundane things, but you hated to see the intensity in his look.

That question over and over into his mind.

You never hated to be with him as much as you did now.

You declined the offer of a dessert pretty quickly just wanting to go away.

Laszlo obliged and lead you back outside escorting you to your place.

"I don't mean to be invasive.."

"But you're" you confirmed to him "thank you for the lunch, I can walk myself home on my own”

You left him there moving after your house's gate.

He stood there biting the inside of his cheek nervously.

You didn't contact him any further on that day or the ones that followed, to be honest you avoided him and his flowers and attentions. You even stayed at home instead of attending places you were supposed to be, but where he also might find you.

Until your grandmother called you and you furiously ordered your maid to call the doctor and make him come at your place.

He arrived quicker than you expected. He was worried something happened, maybe you were ill and nobody told him.

When your maid showed him the way to your study and closed the door behind him he tried immediately to politely ask you about your state but your eyes burned holes like bullets in him.

“How dare you?” You growled at him. He stood still in front of you, his back straight even if you didn’t fail to notice the frown on his forehead.

“How dare you to call my grandmother? To ask her something I specifically told you I don’t want to share or talk or even mention? What is s hard about it? What makes you rightful to come bashing into my life asking for answers? “Y/N”

“No, no Y/N, you doctor, should learn to put a line between when you’re an alienist and when you’re a decent human being” you were being extra hard on him, but just earring your grandmother worried voice was enough to make you snap his neck.

He took your rage like a champion, even if he clearly was suffering it.

“Why is so important Laszlo? Why to see your mind at ease? It is just a man, somebody that doesn’t belong to my life, why you have to push it? Why you always have to push it?” “I just hoped..” “Hoped what? Hoped that a man that abandoned a pregnant woman while courting her was worth my time and thoughts? That I need to share my own life with somebody that wasn’t there? That never asked to meet me, or even see the woman he swore to every wind that he loved? That put my mother in the position of being considered a whore? How my grandma had to pretend I was hers to try give my mother a good shot at life?”

All those truths hit Laszlo like a bag of bricks, he was overwhelmed and saddened. Those situations were the ugliest in those times. Women always paying off the debts of the lust of men. The simple promise of a marriage just to gain something that could be tasted forever with a little more of wait. Just the human need to break a rule, just one, that revolutionary feeling that only losers at heart have. Because nobody makes a revolution over the expenses of a loved one.

“I had no idea” he concluded

“I hope you are satisfied now, your scientific mind has now all the puzzle pieces, now leave and let my family alone”

You could see his shoulders fall as you said that to him, his face paling in fear and sadness. He pressed his lips tight against each other, his jaw hurting as he didn’t know if at this point was really worth it to explain why he insisted so much. He ruined it, he tried to treat you with the white gloves and instead he hurt you even more.

“I apologise” he said staring at you, you letting him speak for the first time “I never meant to put you in such a position, I really just meant to be close to your family and I couldn’t see the fault in my own desires”

He admitted it but you didn’t wince, he crossed the line, he went too far and he needed to learn to respect the limits of others, not everyone needed to be under his care.

“I said you may leave”

He looked out of your window searching for words. Your anger was waving down as he looked so upset, and he should be.

“I am also a victim of our society in my own means, even if my behaviour is not excusable in any way, I stupidly fixated on the idea of doing things right with you and some things… Well, they teach us boys some things have to be asked to a father first”

You looked at him with a frown, you shook lightly your head as you didn’t understand his point and you were five seconds away from throwing him the vase with the latest flowers he sent you when you looked at him pul out a little velvet box from his inner pocket.

“The times are modern now, it was silly of me to try move past you like that” he leaned the box on your desk. He nodded at you respectfully leaving. You were left alone with that little box, you stared at it for a moment before moving closer to it.

You looked out of the window as you heard the gates closing and you watched Laszlo’s figure walk away.

Your eyes darted from his back to the box in front of you slowly opening it to find the ring of the dreams of any girl.

Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief@thesunflowersutra @zemomybeloved @fictionlandslanddreams @charistory @greeneyedblondie44 @apparrio @hb8301 @whatawildone @rhymerhymerhyme  @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl @obsidianlaszlo @alindeluce @zemosimp05 @baronesszemo-blackwood @nocapesdahling

Let me know if you want to get tagged to my publications too <3

[acephysicskarkat]

The issue with Catra’s redemption arc isn’t anything to do with challenging “redemption through suffering”, it’s that the writing is bad and constantly asserts things about Catra’s character development that the script doesn’t back up.

I’m not just talking about how Catra saying she was sorry in the second episode of the goddamn show, written by the showrunner, plainly didn’t mean anything to her or anyone else, although do bear that in mind just as an example of how S5 is built on clumsy retcons; I’m talking about the whole structure.

For seasons 1-4 and the early parts of S5, Catra is predominantly defined by her selfishness. It is the primary driver of her villainy. It is what makes her so awful to be around. It is the source of her toxicity, her resentment, her possessiveness, her cruelty and her spite.

The “Corridors” flashback portrays her friendship with Adora as toxic and one-sided. She punishes Adora for having a desire for other friends, acts conciliatory and nice when it looks like she’s getting what she wants, and goes right back into Tantrum Mode when Adora proposes a compromise; the only acceptable outcome to Catra is that she gets what she wants.

The plot of “White Out” has her gloating about finally having Adora under her control. Again, there’s no compromise; Catra has to get exactly what she wants, and if that requires taking away Adora’s agency, well, fuck Adora. (Also, this is possibly the biggest, reddest red flag in children’s media, so jot that down.)

Then there’s season 3, where she decides that if Adora has once again gotten something Catra wants, that means Adora has to suffer no matter the cost. Catra’s so caught up in her own personal pain that she has to inflict it on Adora, and who gives a shit about anyone who suffers on the way?

And then there’s Scorpia...look, you get the idea. This is a pattern with S1-S4 Catra. She demands trust, loyalty and support from Scorpia and Hordak while generally refusing to extend any of those herself; she refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and treats her personal pain as though it justifies any cruelty she wishes to undertake; she routinely demands that Adora put Catra’s wants over the needs of others, from the opening two-parter to the season 3 disaster. Even her one good deed towards Adora has selfish overtones, because while she’s helping Adora, she’s also getting rid of a rival; notably, her first qualm with the plan to drag Adora kicking and screaming back to the Horde came when she learned that it would cost her the promotion to Force Captain. There are a couple of moments where she does genuinely selfless things, but the shitty, entitled, possessive selfishness is the main driver of the plot.

And this isn’t, in and of itself, a problem! You could get a genuinely compelling arc out of having Catra confront her selfishness and entitlement and genuinely learn that it’s not all about her.

Unfortunately S5 just kind of says it did that and never actually backs it up. S5 Catra, as written in the actual script, is just as selfish as she always was, the narrative has just stopped caring.

She saves Glimmer not because she’s realised any genuine similarity between them or come to view Glimmer as a friend despite their earlier enmity, but because Glimmer is a convenient token to get something Catra wants.

She spends “Taking Control” sulking that her actions might have consequences in the form of the people she’s hurt being allowed to be upset over that. Her apologies end up so vague and so disconnected from anything she’s actually learned that they ring hollow; they feel like attempts to paper over her actions rather than expressions of genuine sorrow. Wanting to be forgiven isn’t the same thing as genuinely expressing regret, and the show’s attempts to conflate them don’t do this arc any favours.

This is a big, persistent and damning issue, because she still isn’t taking responsibility for her actions. She still blames Adora for fights in which she herself was the aggressor (”that never stopped you before”) and still frames her repeated rejections of Adora’s offers of help and support as Adora “abandoning” her, right up to the series finale. Very little of the harm she’s caused is ever substantively addressed beyond Frosta decking her on general principles and Perfuma being very briefly salty that Catra treated Scorpia like shit.

This problem lasts right up to the finale. When Adora takes the Failsafe, none of Catra’s tantrum feels like it’s got anything to do with Adora’s value as a person independent of what others want from her: she starts out mad that Adora “chose” Shadow Weaver over her, when in fact what Adora’s done is taken the best option from a list of bad options, and eventually admits to Melog that she’s upset Adora doesn’t “want“ Catra the way Catra wants Adora. The main ways Catra presents this centre Catra’s own wants first and foremost: she wants Adora to “choose” her over theoretically Shadow Weaver but practically everyone on Etheria, she wants Adora to give her the relationship she wants. It’s still all about her.

This tells us that Catra has learned nothing. Her tantrum at the end of S5 is exactly the same as her tantrum in “The Sword, Part 2″: Adora has prioritised the lives of innocents over Catra’s wants, and Catra views that as a personal affront. Her character arc has been a parabola that’s left her right where she was at the start, except that she’s now willing to let Adora have other friends so long as those friends are also her friends. (Including the one whose mother is dead because of Catra’s selfish, resentment-driven apocalypse tantrum in S3, which is the elephant in the room that S5 really, really does not want to address.)

Then the narrative tries for the “conscience makes you go back” moment...and fucks it up. Catra doesn’t go back because she’s finally grasped that Adora is a person with her own intrinsic value and deserves to live for her own sake. Catra goes back for one last attempt to get what she wants. She goes back to whitewash her history of controlling, resentful possessiveness as love in the hope that Adora will stay alive for the sake of Catra’s personal desires.

Having Catra go back just in the hope of getting Adora to go out with her ruins both characters’ arcs: it undermines Catra’s arc because she’s gone five seasons without grasping that Adora is a person with autonomy, agency and inner worth, and it undermines Adora’s because after being told that she’s worth more than what she can give to other people, she’s saved by Catra’s demand that Adora give her something.

Frankly, Catra’s redemption arc would have meant a lot more if at some point during it she had genuinely seemed to acknowledge that Adora has worth independent of what Catra wants from her. If instead of whining “you hate me now” she’d accepted that Adora has a right to work through her emotions in her own time and is under no obligation to forgive Catra just because of one Glimmer-shaped bribe. If she’d genuinely acknowledged the harm she’d caused to both the Princess Alliance and the innocent people of Etheria, instead of cracking jokes about it. If she’d accepted the idea that Adora didn’t love her back and tried to save her anyway.

If she’d gotten actual compelling character growth, and not just been fast-tracked through a badly paced redemption arc in order to fill out a shipping grid.

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

Yayy! Requests from one of my fave writers are open💕💕💕

Soo, I’ve had this fic idea for quite some time in my mind and it could be interesting. I would love to see a Dazai x Fem!Reader where the reader is a new member of the agency and have been work partners for quite some time with Dazai. The reader feels insecure because Dazai doesn't do his usual flirty stuff to her, but that's only because Dazai doesn't know how to deal with the feeling of real love, and one day, they have a painful talk about it (which starts with the reader confronting him about this when he asks what’s wrong, maybe?)- I would love for this to go from angst to fluff, thank you so much 💔💕

Awwww! I'm a favorite writer of yours! Thank you for such a generous compliment!

My belladonna |Dazai x Female Reader|

Warnings: dazai’s typical thoughts, long fic

Words: 2,385

I worked hard on this one, so I hope you like it. The fluff does take a bit but I assure you the fluff at the end is worth the angst!

Love, a humane concept many never give a second thought towards. What is love exactly? Is it the feeling of being happy which is caused by another? Then what separates love from a deep underlying friendship? Is it the fluttering tightness in your chest? Could it be the sweat and discomfort that forms near somebody you supposedly love? Was love only something a sane person who understands the meaning behind being human can feel and understand? Love raises so many questions it’s better to ignore all contact, to avoid anything that could lead to falling deeper. 

Dazai had never put so much of his mind's capabilities onto a feeling before. He’d never wondered what love meant. His eyes stared off beyond the clouds as he thought about his recent missions with her. She was always so different from the other women he knew or had met over the years. The way she made her presence known in the room, or how her body seemed to be the last thing he noticed. That was important, at least when looking at Dazai. Dazai was not a man of the gentlemen variety. He actually rather impolite, some could say disgusting. He was, after all, a womanizer. It was no unknown fact he slept around, flirted, and even treated women with disrespect. Yet here she was, the newest member of the agency, his current partner. He could hardly glance her way without being star-struck. His eyes would nearly reflect the look of a teenage boy lost in a fantasy. He imagined what her voice would sound like, saying I love you, thank you, you're welcome. He imagined what goodbye embraces and welcome back embraces would feel like. Imagined her kindness, pointed and focused on him. All of this made him confused, he’d never been here before. Nobody in all his miserable years had ever strayed his thoughts to such territory. To avoid confronting the feelings that may or may not spook him, he ignored her. He treated her like he would any other co-worker. He never once asked her his questions of the suicidal manor. He never once flirted with her, he hardly talked to her.

You grew to notice these things over time. The way he avoided you; like you were some disaster waiting to happen. The way he flirted with almost every other woman besides you. Every time you worked by his side, the pain only increased. The thud of your own heart kept you from falling over the pain. Every time he glanced another's way, felt like another dagger stabbed to your side. Thoughts of what if’s eventually circled within your head. Asking yourself if you had done something to insult him. Even his coworkers couldn’t give you a solid answer to Dazai’s behavior. No matter what you did for him, he never seemed to show an ounce of care in your direction. He didn’t touch the gifts you gave him, no matter what they were. Even if they were tips on his little obsession with suicide, he ignored them. He couldn’t face you in person either. Unless you worked together, he hardly spoke to you. 

Like any sane person, you couldn’t handle it anymore. A confrontation was called for.

~

Beneath the moonlight, as the hours of the agency closed and Dazai stayed behind, you fell back to have privacy with him. Even as the others left and bid you good luck with confronting him, you stayed put. It wasn’t that Dazai stayed late to work, he stayed late to make sure everything was alright with the agency, and to grab any leftover coffee/food from the day. He hadn’t expected to run into you as he attempted to leave with a few bags of collected things, stolen things. The moonlight glimmered against your reflection, illuminating your every feature. His eyes instantly darted from you to the door. Unsure how to respond, he let the atmosphere settle in, despite the awkwardness. “We need to talk.” Your voice despite the slight aggravation was more than angelic to him.

Putting on a smile, he raised a brow to play off the thudding pound of his heart. “Oh? We do, did something come up?” he sounded almost nervous, but he masked it enough to hide it from you.

Another silence folded over the two. With every moment, Dazai became less and less comfortable. Being in her presence was enough to send his mind whirling with confusing thoughts again. Her own nerves were starting to act up. Having to hold her hands behind her back as she fidgeted. Within the dimly lit room, illuminated by a few lights and the moon, they stood. Neither of them spoke, afraid of what came after the silence.

That was until your voice picked up from the silence. Shattering it with a soft echo. Speaking with a meek voice, you asked Dazai about his recent behavior with you. “Do you hate me?” The words slipped with ease, but hurt to speak. Afraid, he'll choke on his answer and tell you that you had done something to harm his ego, or that he didn’t find you interesting.

Dazai’s hands slid into his pockets, clenching together tightly. “No, why would you think I hate you?” he spoke clearly with no hint of nervous hesitation or lies. Yet, you could not believe him. Within his body language, the lack of eye contact, the unsure tilt of the head, the slip of his hands to his pockets, it all told you he was hiding something. 

Exhaling as calmly as you could to calm your nervous chatter, you spoke up again. “Look at me then.” You hissed the words, your own eyes darting to look away from him.

Dazai froze before his head slowly shook. “I can’t,” he mumbled. His voice losing the usual confident, cocky tone as he spoke. There was no childish intent, no cocky extent, no humor to his voice. It was bland with nervous fear.

“Because you don’t like me.” Saying the words out loud made the knives that struck through turn into poisonous bullets. Each word, each realization had the initial sting of a bullet, but left a thudding emptiness, the poison.

“I don't,” he whispered. Though his voice cracked in a waiver. His breathing unsteady to match your own rapid breaths. His heart pounded with a fear he’d never felt before. His heart, his mind, it was still too confusing. He didn’t understand, couldn’t comprehend this feeling.

“Yes, you do! You treat every other woman the same! I wouldn’t mind if you just… if you just didn’t flirt, but you… you won’t even look at me!” with every pause and stutter, the pain grew. With every pause, your voice picked up. The ocean of emotion you had left untouched and sealed, starting to unravel and make sense. 

“... I…” Dazai had no reply to your words. His head screamed at him to reach out and grab hold of you. To drop down and do as he always did. Another half of him told him to pull something else. To pull out a gift and woo you with flowers and soft praises. He didn’t understand how to truly appreciate this feeling or how to acknowledge it. He wants so much revolving around you, but he didn’t know what to do. Not even his words could form a snarky comeback or an excuse. He couldn’t pull the usual words like, you’re just too stunning to look at. 

Watching his silence, and the only word he spit be a single vowel, you shook your head. The emotional fire within your chest letting go. You turned towards the door rather dramatically. Your hand grasping the handle in a swift motion. “You’re a selfish bastard Dazai. You’re a selfish bastard. Letting women fall in love only to rip their hearts from their chests. I knew you were one of those men, yet I still… I still gave it to you.” Dropping the anger and the loudness of your voice you spoke softly. With slight drips of venom being used to cover the pain consuming you.

He watched her pull the door open in one single movement. His eyes traced her movements as the door slammed. The words she spoke took what felt like millennia to make sense. He kept trying to make sense of her words, he didn’t understand any of them. He couldn’t until he took into thought his own heart. He stopped trying to make sense, and rather let his heart make sense of it. Understanding human emotions, understanding what made humans… Well, humans, was never his forte. Not a second later, his eyes shot wide and his lips parted with shock. A new thought he’d never understand crossing his restless mind. “Why, why would she love me?” he shook away the thought, reaching for the handle of the door and flinging it open. Never in his life had he been the one doing the chase, yet here he was doing just that. His feet carried him down the stairs and out of the building. The slow patter of the rain provides a dramatic splatter when his feet hit the cold cement. His breaths formed white puffs of air as he skidded to a stop. Thinking back to missions, recalling the sentences he’d tried to ignore. The things about her he tried to ignore. The invitations to walk. The way she came up behind him, trying to interact while he ignored her. Without having to recall much, his feet swerved to the left and ran. His feet slid here and there over the slippery gravel, the mud, and sharp turns. His gut led him instead of his mind. For once, he was trusting his instincts. The park his heart shouted. The first time he’d truly fallen for her, the smile she gave him on her first day. It was love at first sight. Love, admitting it was really such a humane feeling was terrifying. Yes, he’d always wanted to understand humanity, but starting with something that could end in flames or bliss... was no more terrifying than standing over the ledge of a cliff. 

As your feet came to a sudden halt, you found yourself at the park. Remembering the way he looked and acted when you first joined brought more water to gather along with the rain. Slipping down onto the bench, covered with the sky's tears, you curled your legs into your chest. Burying your face into your knees, you swore to yourself this wouldn’t happen again. You had been a fool, hadn't you? A fool to love a man like Dazai. Somebody obsessed with suicide and willing to flirt with every woman his eyes caught. Slowly, the rain began to pick up its pace. The moon reflected in puddles where the mud could no longer soak up its water.

He searched the area for a while despite the quickening pace of the rain. As his eyes settled against your drenched form, the way you cuddled against yourself, his heart cracked. His arms slipped from his jacket despite it being somewhat wet. While he was nervous, he snuck up behind you and rested his coat on your shoulders. He took a seat at the other end of the bench. Pulling his knees to his chest, he decided to finally share why he’d been so distant and a jerk towards you. “I was scared. I ignored, avoided, and pretended to not notice you because I was afraid.” Your glance was doubtful, after all, when was he ever scared of something? “Doubting me? I get why, I'm never scared, that's what you think right?" there was a small nod from your head, but it caused him to sigh. “I do get scared, emotions scare me. Feeling human, it’s what I want, I want to understand what it is to be human, but starting out with this… it’s terrifying.” Watching as you didn’t respond but look away, he let out a frustrated groan.

“Just, leave me alone Dazai.” Your whispers hurt. The pain reflected in your words hurt more than any wound he’d ever found himself inflicted with. He hated pain and suffering, and that’s what this was.

“I can’t, I won’t not anymore. I… fuck, I don’t understand it. I don’t… it’s hard to admit things like this belladonna… I fell in love. I don’t know how to deal with whatever this is!” His words came rushed and panicked. His hands found their way into his hair, tangling with the drenched locks. Thunder thudded softly in the sky as lightning crackled. 

Your hand reached your eyes as you shook your head. “Please, please stop it. Don’t call me that! You don’t mean it. Stop trying to just make yourself feel better.” You whispered the words again until he forcefully brought your head to meet his chest. He held you tightly, running his hand over your back as he rocked back and forth. 

“I’m not lying, not playing games. You’re amazing in every way possible. I still can’t understand why you'd like me.” Dazai whispered the words next to your ear. Holding you within the rain until your body stopped its trembles. What you did next shocked him more than any action that went outside his predictions did. Your lips planted themselves on his. At first, it seemed you were unsure about this. He didn’t kiss back at first, when he made his mind up, it was too late. You had pulled away ready to collect excuses. Before your lips could part with said excuses, his hands moved and cupped your face. His lips came crashing down on yours. He’d never felt this before, a spark, a real feeling in a kiss. When the two of you needed air, he moved away with a slight smile. “We should… get out of the rain before we both catch a cold.”

Blushing you tugged on the fabric of his clothes, telling him to lift you. “Yeah, we should, Kunikida would kill us both if we get sick.” You chuckled lightly, sniffling as Dazai lifted you into his arms. 

“Remind me where your place is again?” with a snicker, you told him the address and allowed yourself to drift off to sleep while he carried you. “I love you, belladonna.”