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mewtwo24 · 9 months

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I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.

Turns out that was a perilous mistake.

Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me

What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:

LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"

The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--

How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls

And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:

Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.

Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)

Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:

Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me

Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:

I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.

And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...

I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.

How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.

Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.

#svsss #bingqiu #moshang #i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos'#and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change #also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content #the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing #mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES)#sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other #how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer #how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal #how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him #SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S #it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like #mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms #okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;#the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem #really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing #the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan #that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace #over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it #the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form #how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment #how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are #how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them #how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them #ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry #as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance #that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression

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k-evans-reads · 4 months

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In Living Color

Chapter 26

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Previous | Main Masterlist | In Living Color Masterlist

September 13th, 2022

“Alright, cut! That was a good one so that’s a wrap for today.”

Hearing those words was like music to Chris’ ears. He’d been on set since before the sun had risen in the sweltering Atlanta heat and he was ready to call it a day. Chris only stayed to chat with his co-stars for a moment before walking off the set, ready for a shower and quiet evening at his rental with Dodger, but he would soon find out he was in for anything but.

Chris had made some headway through his plans when he stepped out of his set trailer, his costume long gone and instead dressed in loose shorts and a tee-shirt. He called goodbyes to everyone as he headed to the parking lot, figuring Josh and Dodger had already gone home, but soon he was stopped in his tracks.

“Chris! Hey, hold on,” he heard Josh call, turning to find his long-time friend – and assistant – jogging over to him with Dodger by his side.

Chris paused, letting Josh catch up to him. He could see the rest of the cast slowly making their way off set, either to the wardrobe trailer or to their own trailers, and the line of cars waiting to take them all home. “I thought you already left for the day?” He asked Josh, surprised to see him, but with a small grin as he reached down and greeted the excited, and tired, dog.

“No, I took Dodger on a longer walk but your phone has been blowing up. Jamie keeps trying to call you and asked me to have you call him back as soon as you can,” his friend explained quickly with a serious tone.

Chris pursed his lips and furrowed his brows, unsure why Jamie, of all people, was trying to reach out to him right now. He’d kept in loose contact with Mark and Jamie since Nat moved, occasionally texting them but mainly just keeping up with them through social media and Nat. “Jamie? I wonder what that’s about?” He asked, knowing this was out of the blue.

“I don’t know but here’s your phone,” Josh told him, handing the phone over. “Let me know later if anything is up.”

“I will, thanks Josh,” he said with a tight grin, pocketing the

Chris could feel the anxiety building in him as he took Dodger’s leash from Josh, thanking him again before going to the car service that the production provided and climbing into the back with Dodger sitting down on the bench seat right next to him. He clicked on Jamie’s number, returning his call as his leg bounced with anxiousness as the phone kept ringing and ringing until it went to voicemail.

Although Chris’ brain loved to torture him with all the what if’s, he thought that this maybe was a good sign. If there truly was something urgent or earth shattering that he was so desperate to get a hold of Chris, he would have kept his phone on him and answered his call. Chris almost wanted to laugh to himself now as he relaxed in his seat on the drive back to his rental, thinking about the quirky best friends of Nat, knowing that he probably would be getting a call about something ridiculous that would make him erupt in laughter, but also remembered just how long it had been since he’d gotten those funny calls from Nat or either of her best friends, knowing that things had changed since she moved.

He tried not to worry about it as he got to his rental and climbed in the shower, happy relax after the long day, but he had just climbed out and changed into his sweatpants and a comfy tee-shirt when his phone ran from where it sat on the bed next to his sweet pooch who was curled up. Chris grabbed the phone and put it on speaker, greeting his friend with, “Hey man, how are you? It’s been a while.”

“It has been, but um, Chris are you on set?” Jamie asked, his voice muffled as he moved around on the other end of the call.

Chris’ brows furrowed and his hand froze on Dodger’s side, noting the urgency in Jamie’s voice. “No, I’m done for the day. I just got back to my rental… why?” He asked, his shoulder tense with anxiety as Jamie hesitated.

The other man let out a shuddering sigh before he confessed, “I need to talk to you.”

Chris shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That doesn’t sound good,” he murmured.

“It’s not,” Jamie agreed, his voice turning sad and sympathetic. Jamie took a deep breath before he explained, “I was in San Francisco today and Chris… Nat is not doing well.”

If Chris had been nervous before, it was nothing compared to the fear that flooded his body at that simple explanation. He wanted to not believe it, wanted to call Jamie a liar, that this wasn’t his Nat they were talking about. “What? What do you mean?” He finally asked, his voice unsteady and fearful.

Jamie’s voice was low, sad, and defeated when he told him, “She’s not okay, Chris.”

“Jamie, I need you to tell me what’s going on. I don’t understand,” Chris all but demanded him, unable to stop his brain from spiraling. Nat was…. Nat. Resilient, flexible, and strong, with a stubborn streak that rivaled his own. It was his last concern that she was ever going to be anything but okay. She’d rolled with every last one of his wild ideas, schedules, and asks of her for the last year, and he couldn’t see where anything changed to push Jamie to make this call.

“She’s incredibly depressed, Chris. She’s super skinny, she doesn’t eat much and I found out that basically none of the office there in San Francisco hardly even know her. They said she just comes in and works all day in her office and goes to meetings and doesn’t say much and then goes home,” Jamie explained, listing off every reason that caused Chris’ heart to practically shatter. He couldn’t believe everything he’d missed, everything she’d been hiding from not only him, but her family and friends as well. His heart began to race anxiously as Jamie continued, “Yesterday night I stayed with her and by the time we went out to dinner and got back to her apartment she was practically falling asleep. She has no energy and looks like she’s going to burst into tears at any moment.”

Chris’ mind raced as he still tried to pinpoint exactly where and when everything went south for her, knowing that he hadn’t seen all of that when he visited in early July. Sure, she’d been overworking herself, but that was a losing battle Chris had been trying to fight with her for almost a year now. All he knew was Nat being a near workaholic, and he figured with the move, she had been throwing herself into the only thing she was familiar with up there. “What’s going on? Is it something with her job? Or did something happen? She hasn’t said a word to me,” he finally answered, clearing the lump in his throat away.

“I don’t know. I tried to talk to her and she wouldn’t say anything… you know how stubborn Nat can be,” Jamie explained with a sigh, sounding just as frustrated and concerned as Chris felt.

Chris’ mind was still moving faster than he could catch up with, and he frustratedly admitted to the other man, “I just can’t believe she hasn’t said a word of this.”

“I don’t know why she hasn’t but Chris, but I’m really worried about her. Things are not good and I don’t think anybody knows,” Jamie explained, sighing as he paused. “Everyone came in early this morning for a meeting so I’m going to send them all home early so maybe call her in a little while? My flight for LA is in a couple hours so she’ll be alone.”

Chris nodded, taking note of the time on the alarm clock next to him. “I will,” he promised, knowing Jamie knew that already.

“Chris... She’s not herself. She needs help so don’t take no for an answer, okay?” Jamie gently suggested, with more muffled sounds filtering through the call from the office in California. Chris listened intently, but his attention was split as Dodger whined nervously, looking up at his owner anxiously.

Chris smiled sadly to himself, reaching his hand down to pet Dodger reassuringly. “I won’t. Thanks for telling me, Jamie,” he thanked the man, not knowing what he would’ve done had he not known the truth.

As they hung up the call, Chris tried to pass the time between then and when he could call Nat in any way – turning on CNN, only to not pay attention to it. Texting Eric, asking if Nat had said if anything was wrong, only to hear “She hasn’t said anything to me, everything’s sounded okay.” That only made Chris more worried, knowing how close Nat was to Eric. She was so close to him, in a way that made Chris only hope to one day have that relationship with a child of his own.

But it seemed like they were all in the dark, and once forty-five minutes had passed, Chris raced to open his texts with Nat. There still had been nothing since early that morning, when she liked his text about when he’d be on set that day. But he pushed down the hurt at that and instead hit the FaceTime button and called her, wanting to see her for this.

He was thankful when Nat answered, but instead of being greeted with her face, he could only see a ceiling. “Nattie, are you at home?” He asked, getting to the point almost immediately. He couldn’t beat around the bush with this, not when he felt like he was about to break down at any minute as he pictured everything Jamie had told him.

Nat’s brows were furrowed when she adjusted the camera so he could see her, and he let out a sigh as he finally looked at her. He’d seen her in fleeting calls and random pictures over the last few months, but he’d never been able to see the change in her until today. The weight loss, evident in her face, the light, nearly all gone from her eyes, the way her once-fitted shirt now hung off of her shoulders, and the bags under her eyes… the ones he knew weren’t there the last time he saw her. It all hurt, scared, and alarmed him, but most of all, he felt frustrated with himself that he was too stupid to see past all reassurances to notice all these things months ago. “Yeah, why?” She brushed him off, a single brow raising.

“What’s going on Nat?” He asked her point blank, eyes moving over hers as he stared at his phone. He could even see the way her hair was thrown up, messily, with strands falling out of her bun, slicked back against her scalp in a way that told him she hadn’t been taking care of herself there either. And he knew it wasn’t by choice. She was exhausted, something she had told him repeatedly in the previous months. He’d always brushed her off, feeling it was just her not handling the move great. But now he saw the truth, he saw it in every shift of her eyes, the slimness of her wrist as she tucked her hair behind her ear, how heavy the undereye bags were…. He hated himself most of all for missing this, letting it get to this point.

“What do you mean?”

“Jamie called me and told me that you’re not doing well. He said you’re depressed and that he’s really worried about you,” he explained, his voice almost clinical to disguise the sheer panic he was feeling at everything.

Nat waved her hand, her voice small as she told him, “That’s just Jamie. You know he’s the dad of the group and he’s just worried because it’s been a couple months since I’ve seen him.”

“Nat, if you’re struggling, you can talk to me,” Chris tried to reason with her, feeling more anxious with every dismissive comment she made. Dodger shifted against his leg, rolling onto his back as he drifted to sleep, and Chris watched Nat carefully, hoping her walls would finally go down.

“I’m fine, it’s just different settling in here is all,” she whispered, shrugging as she glanced away from the camera.

“It’s been almost five months though,” Chris pointed out as he arched an eyebrow. “Did it take you that long to settle in when you moved to LA?”

She huffed out a breath, stubbornly telling him, “That was different because I met Jamie and Mark right away. You said it yourself that I just need to give it time.”

“Is it this job? Is that what this is or is it something else? Do you miss LA?” He questioned, practically grappling at straws here. He didn’t want to push her too far, but he had to get to the bottom of this now. Nothing good would come from throwing his hands up and walking away, not when she was hurting as much as Jamie suggested. This had to get out of her system now, for both of their sakes.

“No, I want to be here. This is the dream job. This is what I worked toward so I’m going to do it,” she explained, but he didn’t believe her. He didn’t believe her back in April, and he would never hold that over her head, but he’d lost her somewhere between then and now. Everyone had, it seemed, but the only thing he was sure about now was that Nat was convincing herself everything would get better as she clung to her work like a lifeboat. “I’m the one who wanted this promotion. It’s not that. I’m fine, Chris.”

“Nattie, you’re lying to me. I know you’re lying,” he clarified, his voice firm as he ignored her attempts to interrupt. He looked at her dead-on, eyebrows raised as he firmly stated, “You’re lying to Jamie. You’re lying to Eric. You’re lying to me and I think you’re lying to yourself.”

He just sat there staring at the screen as he watched panic settle on Nat’s face. Chris wasn’t even aware just how true those words were. Nat had been lying to herself for so long, ignoring everything other than putting her nose to the grindstone and ignoring her emotions. He watched as tears glossed over her eyes but he wanted to push her a little more, he wanted to get her to fully open up and he gently went on, “We’re just all worried about you. I love you Nattie and I want you to tell me the truth.”

Chris saw her face on the screen seemingly frozen for a moment before he watched her last defenses crumble and the tears start flowing down her cheeks. Her shoulders slumped and a hand went up to rest on her face as her body shook with her sobs. He hated to see her this way, but wanted her to be open and honest, even if his heart had to break as he watched her fall to pieces.

“I don’t even know how. I don’t know what to do,” she admitted through gasping breaths, her chest shuddering as the emotions finally came to the surface. The tears poured out of her eyes furiously, and Chris finally – and sadly – saw Nat for the first time in what felt like months. Her guard, walls, and defenses were all down, and she was finally ready to be honest with someone.

“Just talk to me, baby,” he pleaded, desperation replacing the fear and anxiety from earlier. His heart was shattered as he watched her fall apart, wanting nothing more to pull her into his arms and tell her they’d get her through this. But he couldn’t. She was alone, truly alone, in San Francisco while he was stuck in Atlanta, with a busy schedule for the rest of the week.

“I hate it here, Chris. I hate it so much. I hate this job and I don’t feel like anyone likes me and I have no friends and I don’t know how to do half of what I’m doing and so then I have to go home and work even more just to get caught up and I miss you so much and feel like I’m never going to see you again,” she spoke, her voice moving so quickly that she occasionally stumbled over her words.

He watched with a frown, feeling helpless as he asked, “Nattie, why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell me this was going on?”

“...I tried… but you’ve been so busy,” she whispered, a hand moving to wipe her face. “And I just didn’t know how.”

“Nat, this is just a job. If you hate it, that’s okay,” he told her, a frown on his lips. He knew it wouldn’t happen overnight or in an instant, but he was trying to get her to take this role off a pedestal and put it back on the ground. At the end of the day, it was a job, just like the film role he had right now. Was it a great opportunity for anyone to get offered it? Of course. But it didn’t mean she wasn’t allowed to change her mind, to realize it wasn’t right for her, or to walk away from it. But she needed to get there herself first.

“You don’t understand, Chris,” she began, shaking her head as she took a shuddering breath. He couldn’t have prepared himself for what was coming when she added, “This was my dream job. This has always been the sign that I'd made it. That everything my dad worked for truly paid off. That I wasn’t the screw up little sister… that I wasn’t just a joke. And now I have it, and I hate it and I can’t seem to make it work. I failed at my dream.”

His eyes shut and his heart was done for it as she shared that insecurity, and he whispered, “Oh Nattie.”

Chris wanted to reassure her, wanted to remind her that this was just a job. That this didn’t prove anything and sometimes losing a dream makes room for something new but he knew that none of that would help in this moment. Right now all he could see was the love of his life on the other end of this call completely heartbroken and crying her eyes out and he felt that there was nothing he could do about it.

“I just can’t do this anymore, Chris. I can’t hardly get out of bed in the morning anymore,” her voice crackled as she dissolved into tears once more. He felt as if his heart was being squeezed when he watched her crumble on the other side of the screen and all he wanted to do was to be able to just take this all away.

“Nattie, baby I want you to listen to me,” his own voice was laced with emotion but he tried to speak with assurance as he told her, “I have a couple more days on set before I have the weekend off but then I’m going to come out, okay? Everything is going to be okay. I’m going to call your dad and see if he could fly down there tomorrow and be with you until I get there.”

“He can’t, he has to work more because a bunch of people quit,” Nat muttered before seeming to slip back into her indifference that came with her depression and just shrugged, “It doesn’t matter, I’ll be okay.”

Chris just shook his head, knowing that he wasn’t going to let her keep going this way and stated, “No, this is what got us into this position in the first place. I can’t sleep knowing you’re like this, baby. I’m going to figure something out.”

“I don’t want you to have to do that just because I’m a mess. I just need to suck it up,” she muttered again while looking down at something he couldn’t see.

“Natalie Marton, there is nothing in this world more precious to me than you. I don’t care if I have to drop out of this film to come be with you, I’ll do it,” he said without a second thought. This was his girl. His Nattie. The person he wanted to be his forever and he’d be damned if he let anything come between them or him being able to help her. “Just stop trying to be so strong for just a minute and let me help you.”

Chris watched her sit there for a moment, tears still falling out of her eyes before she just nodded before he kept on, “It’s going to be okay, honey. I love you and it’s going to be okay.”

He watched her weakly nod before he followed his instructions to get in bed and try to relax but he couldn’t do that himself. There was no way he’d be relaxing knowing that Nat was on the other side of the country, completely heartbroken and beat down. He couldn’t sit still after the call ended, and he definitely couldn’t have gone to bed after all that. Not when Nat was sitting alone, miserable, and had finally admitted what she’d been dancing around for months.

Chris had seen a few texts pop up on his phone during the call from Eric, the messages verging on both worried and concerned, and felt that he at least owed her father some explanation after reaching out earlier. When Eric declined his call, he immediately texted Chris back, explaining that he was working and couldn’t talk but could text. While it was reassuring to Chris that he wasn’t the only one who’d been left in the dark about all of this, he felt bad for them when Eric said he couldn’t even go down to visit and help Nat out with everything this week due to a ferry driver shortage in Washington. There was no one to cover his hours and no way this emergency request off would be granted, and Chris’ brain began thinking through everything.

Emily would understand. He’d known her and John for years, and was friends with them both. She’d been an amazing costar so far, and he’d hate walking away…. But this was for Nat. He didn’t have any immediate obligations with Netflix beyond this film, and even if he burned this bridge, it was one bridge.

But the more he thought about it, the more he considered the strain he’d put not only his friends on the production under, but the hundreds of staff and crew on the film…. He just wasn’t sure. As he did in every situation he faced like this, he dialed his Ma’s number, hoping she’d be able to guide him in the right direction, or tell him he was being stupid and of course he should call his agent to tell him he had to leave.

After he caught Lisa up to speed on everything, almost too fast for how chaotic the last few hours had felt, he sighed. “I’m just so fucking worried, Ma,” he told her, running a hand through his messy hair. “I’ve never seen her like this and when I talked to her it just… it sounded bad.”

“My poor Nattie,” Lisa sympathized with the woman that she’d come to love so dearly over the course of her dating Chris.

“I was going to fly out there Saturday morning once I’m done filming but I don’t know…” Chris truly couldn’t figure out the answer to all of this, knowing that either decision he made would hurt someone. But with Eric unable to go, Nat’s sisters having their own children and obligations, Mark and Jamie both working, and Nat having missed out on having a mom, he just didn’t see any other solution for how to help her get through this. He reached out to rub a hand across Dodger’s soft fur, needing that bit of comfort himself before telling his mother, “I’m thinking about dropping out of Pain Hustlers so I can just go out there now.”

“Is it that bad, Chris?”

“It’s pretty bad,” he honestly told her. Just thinking about what Nat looked like on that screen, every bit of joy and happiness that made Nat, Nat was completely gone. She was broken and Chris wanted to be there to help put her back together. “Ma, it just fuckin’ broke my heart to see her like that. And Eric can’t go because he’s working doubles because they’re already down people.”

Without hesitation, Lisa presented her own solution, “Chris, let me go out there. I could fly out early in the morning,”

“I wasn’t asking you to do that,” he wanted to clarify, not wanting her to feel obligated to fix all of this.

“I know you weren’t, but I want to. I love Nattie and I’m worried about her too and I hate knowing that she’s out there all alone and dealing with all of this by herself,” she seemed to put his own feelings into words.

A long sigh poured out of him as he ran a hand through his hair anxiously, “That’s why I’m thinking it might be better if I just drop out of this film because even when I fly out on Saturday, I’ll have to come back Tuesday morning.” He knew that he could help for the weekend, but didn’t see how this could be solved in just a few days. There was nothing more important to him than Nat and her well-being and didn’t want anything to stand in the way of him being there for her since he had missed out on doing that the past few months.

“Honey, we both know what a big hit that will be if you drop out,” Lisa tried to bring in the reality of his obligations back up before reminding him, “I know you’re worried about Nat, but it’s going to be okay. Let’s just take this one step at a time. I’ll go out there tomorrow and then you can come on Saturday and we’ll figure all of this out, okay?”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Ma.”

And those words were even more true than he realized over the coming days. Knowing that Nat was being taken care of by his mother was the only way that he was able to stay working in Atlanta and having the realistic updates from Lisa allowed him to have the full picture of what really was going on. It brought him so much comfort knowing that Lisa was taking her to work, bringing her lunch and was with her in the lonely evenings but it still wasn’t the same as him being there himself.

He wanted to be able to look in her eyes and hold her to know that she really was there and assure her that it would be okay, even though he didn’t feel it himself. Chris wanted to be with her so much that it hurt and the second that he was done on set that Friday night, he couldn’t wait until the following morning to fly to her and chartered a flight to take him to San Francisco then.

Chris had texted his mom to tell her that he was coming but found out that even then, Nat had already gone to bed. He knew firsthand how much anxiety and depression could exhaust your body and he was glad she was getting rest. When finally he landed in San Francisco, he got a car to take him to the small apartment where he stepped inside and shared a long hug with his mother. There was so much to talk about between the two of them but in this moment, all that mattered was his Nattie. He needed to have his own eyes on her and quietly let go of his mother to walk down the tiny hallway and open the door to her room.

There she was, fast asleep underneath a pile of blankets but even underneath the bulky fabric, she still looked so tiny. His heart just hurt seeing her this way but there also was a piece of him that felt more at peace than he had this entire week, knowing that he was finally able to be with her. He quietly took off his shoes and jacket, leaving them on a chair before gently climbing into bed next to her and resting a hand on her back.

Even in the dim light, he could see her puffy eyes flutter open and without a word, they filled with tears as her arms latched around his neck like a vice. He held her tightly, breathing in her scent as his own tears started falling down his cheeks as they clung to one another in a way they never had before. Chris knew that there still was so much ahead of them, so much to be sorted out and fixed, so much fear and uncertainty, but none of that seemed to matter in this moment because he was here with her and that’s all he wanted.

A/N: This was the final completed chapter we had from last year. While we have a halfish chapter written, we probably will not have the time to actually finish it. Let us know what you guys would prefer - a half chapter and brief synopsis of the end, a summary only (no chapter), or something else.

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