#remember following it and having a much better time being alive bc i now had a space to clear my head

[despairots]

#A NIGHT TO REMEMBER, o. dazai!

a special oneshot!

description, it’s special to know how the other feels. to communicate is the best, though, dazai isn’t one for words but it’s fine, you’re the same. neither of you can put the feelings you have into words.

— story contains, angst, established relationship, swearing, suicide mentions, depressing talks, “no longer human” connections i think?, r! psychoanalysis’s i guess?, mental health, trauma talking, character deaths, if i missed anything let me know! gender neutral! reader.

“why are you writing this?” bc dazai is one of the characters i heavily relate to on another level. hes so much different from mizuki akiyama and satoru gojo. and this is just me talking a lot about dazai’s character and analyzing him… btw, r! wears a black blazer (or leather jacket) white button up with a black waist coat, either brown shorts or pants (maybe black of u want), underneath the shorts or pants are like black tights and slip on penny loafers.

long before you started dating dazai, there was an obvious connection that you only saw and felt. obviously, you were friends during those time periods because you worked in the same place, everyone there were friends.

though, the friendship you two had were entirely different from the rest, had the same humour but showing it differently. you wouldn’t lie and say that dazai flirting with you just to ask for a double suicide didn’t concern you, because it did. there’s no doubt that he’ll try and eventually succeed (although, death doesn’t accept him).

there’s nothing that can kill this man, no matter how hard he tries. you picked that up during one of his failed attempts, it almost succeeded if kunikida wasn’t there, you thanked him a ton. all he said in response is that; “i have to look over that idiot one way or another.” no matter how much dazai annoys his coworkers, they still care.

when dazai tries to commit and somewhat fails, it’s almost like he’s punishing himself for still being alive. you know his past, after all, you were in port mafia with him, even though you two didn’t work together or how he didn’t know you during that time, you sure knew him.

he was surrounded by death, in the port mafia and the ada, it follows him yet never accepts it’s his time to come to the afterlife. he makes these plans that somewhat end up succeeding though he hurts himself in the process, always worrying you. what if eventually death actually accepts him at some point?

dazai has been extraordinarily smart every since he was a kid to the point where he’s been dehumanized by dubbing him; “the demon prodigy”. you didn’t know anything about his parents, you did know what drove him to be tired of living. he’s tired living, bored by life and the people around him, to him, they are easily predictable and manipulated that nothing can surprise him.

he can’t find sense to the world but most importantly, he doesn’t find sense in life, he ends up reverting to extensional depression, continuing the cycle he lives in.

dazai has been exploited ever since he was 14 and taken into the port mafia by mori. he was kept alive by mori, by chuuya, by everyone. he was used until there was nothing left. he never had any love nor hope (that he’d ever have someone to understand him) until a friend he later brought up to you, oda.

he truly believed he deserved everything that happened to him in the port mafia.

you believe that younger dazai never believed that he could be better, but if he’s changing now than he always had the ability to change, just never tried. he was sure the mafia was the only fate he had and the only place to escape of living.

then oda died. dazai was free, with ango’s help of wiping his criminal records. without ango’s help, he would’ve never been free from mafia, though he knows his past will always haunt him, he’s accepted that. he also knows that his indebted to ango, he knows he owes him.

since oda’s death, dazai’s trust had ran thin and he’s always on guard, his ability to open up to anyone had been cut off because he can not lose anyone again. the things he cares about and didn’t wanna lose, is lost the moment he gains it.

his plans always evolve other people, rather to manipulate or exploit. you don’t blame him, if it meant surviving, you would do it too.

he is someone who jokes but never opens up nor can be his true self. he’s a wreck who will drag anyone else down with him, that was a price you had to pay for dating him. he repulsed the idea of love and being in a relationship with you because of how he’ll be afraid of losing you.

dazai dated you as a joke, to see how thing will end, until he realized that you were somewhat different. you were always one step of ahead, had almost the same ability that involved contact, and you had this missing glint in your eyes. that’s just the surface though.

dazai knows there’s more to you— he doesn’t know about your connections to the port mafia though— but he doesn’t bother bringing the topic up to you though nor does he like talking about it.

at nights like this, where he’s staring aimlessly somewhere and devoid of emotion, he’s completely vulnerable in your shared dorm. sitting on the couch, cheek on the palm of his hand as the other searches the cold touch of your hand, seeking for some company.

—and you’re there. sitting on the couch with him and a book discarded in your lap, only staring at dazai with a look of curiosity and content, he looks peaceful despite the war going on in his head.

(you were memorized by the destruction he creates and has, it was peaceful to know what beautiful destruction that dazai carries with him).

when dazai feels the cold skin of your hand, he could feel his ability cancelling yours out as your hand covers his, holding it tightly yet so soft that he wonders if you’re even there. dazai finally looks at you, face still devoid of emotion, watching you reopen your book.

“morning, sleeping beauty.” you hummed softly, an amused tone with your words. dazai groaned and knocked your book off your lap, kicking his legs up into your lap and laying down, now staring up at the ceiling.

hearing dazai go silent wasn’t rare, it was rather common when you two are in your shared dorm, but not hearing him say something stupid back confused you.

you turned your head to dazai, taking notice of his eyes that threatened to pour tears in front of you, “you okay, ‘samu?” knowing him for a while now, he wouldn’t open up and talk about his feelings. it’s fine though, you’re like that too, and you wouldn’t mind waiting forever even if it didn’t come.

dazai didn’t respond.

he never did.

he closed his eyes and if you listened closer, you could hear the shaky breath that he exhaled. taking his hand in yours, you placed a chaste kiss to his palm, the contact making dazai open his eyes slowly and sit up on his elbows.

“when are you gonna leave?” he’s says stupid shit all the time, it doesn’t effect you, none of his words effect you. it should’ve effected you but it didn’t, and dazai could tell by the unamused look on your face, “when are you gonna take your life seriously?” you lightly jabbed at him, hearing him scoff and mutter ‘hypocrite’ underneath his breath.

dazai sat up properly, scooting closer to you and grabbing your hand, setting his head on your shoulder. dazai’s touch starved but refuses any contact that doesn’t involve him initiating it, you’re an expectation, you’ve always been every since the relationship started.

silence took over you, the fan in the background aswell as dazai’s calming breath stirring you into a tired state, laying your head on dazai’s head (knowing the neck pain wouldn’t be worth it tomorrow).

“y’know i’d wait, right?” dazai hums underneath his breath as a response, “how do i know you’re not lying?” and you scoff. rolling your tired eyes, for a guy like him to ask you that question is amusing. “we’ve been lying to eachother for a while but i’m not lying about this, ‘samu.”

the former executive makes himself more comfortable in the crook of your neck, forcing you to lay down and keep him close, “i know.” the words came out muffled, and alas, his eyes are shut again and his sleeping in your arms that are now warm.

with him being asleep, you could pick out the smallest details about the boy in your arms. in your arms, he isn’t the former demon prodigy, in your arms, he isn’t a former port mafia member, in your arms, he isn’t a dehumanized person.

he’s just a boy.

osamu dazai isn’t one for words, but it’s okay, because you’re not one for words either. it’s gonna be like that for awhile, or forever, only time could tell. dazai knows this; you know this. and since dazai’s betrayal to the port mafia, he’s changing, but if he’s changing now, he was always capable of changing, he just never cared enough to try.

osamu dazai isn’t one for words, neither are you.

tick.

[lnsfawwi]

"he is willing to die for everyone": life and death for stevebucky

I wrote this because I saw a post that said something like "'A's willing to die for B'. A is willing to die for everyone, what's the big deal about the ship." it's not about stucky or any ship, but this has always been on my mind.

throughout the trilogy, they have quite different attitudes towards life.

steve to some extent has always been ready to die, partly because he has had brushes with death multiple times since he was a kid. as rebellious as steve, he probably feels like being afraid of death is a sign of weakness, so he stands up to it and dares death to finally take him. that sentiment evolved to full blown passive suicidal tendency after bucky's death. another reason is that since he became cap, he understands that he's meant for something larger than life and certainly larger than himself, he's accepted that he'd one day die for the greater good.

bucky is the opposite, he clearly wants to live. in the cut scene in catfa he ordered the unit to surrender bc they'd have a better chance of surviving that way than going up against hydra alien weapon. after caws, he was trying to find a reason to live when many people in the same situation would've just ended it (and bucky thought about it too).

which brings me to my point. for someone who's so ready to sacrifice himself, bucky is steve's reason to live, while the love for steve always trumps bucky's will to live.

like I pointed out in a previous post, even when he had no idea what he was capable of, steve jumped through fire for bucky. whereas when it was peggy who pleaded, begging him to find a way to survive the plane crush, he didn't even try.

in the same scene, bucky, who just survived weeks of torture and had a clear way out of there, refused to leave without steve, knowing full well that they could both end up dying.

sebastian made it clear that bucky only stayed because of steve. in a way, bucky knew that if he died it'd be for steve, not for the country or the greater good, just steve. and that's the only acceptable way to die in a war that he'd grown sick of.

yes, steve was willing to die at bucky's hands in that helicarrier, but alternatively, he was also leaving the choice to live completely up to bucky. the scene can be interpreted as steve telling bucky "if you remember me, save me. save us." there was only one way steve would survive, there was only one reason steve would be willing to live and that was bucky. remember that steve was so ready to die with bucky when he told maria to "fire now". bucky was the only reason he even tried to survive this.

in civil war, bucky had been trying so hard not to kill himself and build a normal life. he must've wanted to go back to steve at some point and rebuild their relationship together. but as soon as he realized not everyone was going to get out of siberia alive, he told tony "I remember all of them" so tony would go after him instead of steve. he was trading his life for steve's.

one thing about superhero ships is that, yes, they are totally willing to die for anyone. steve would totally be willing to die saving a single person from a collapsing building, but bucky is his reason to find a way to not die saving that person.

bucky is as much as hero as steve, he continued to fight when he could've just butted out and no one would've said a thing. for bucky, he wants to go home after the fights, but as long as steve is still out there risking his stupid ass, bucky will make peace with death and follow steve anywhere.

[soulsdivinity]

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feedback is appreciated

What positive manifestations are coming true ?

One

You’ll manifest a sense of emotional security. You’ll learn that it’s safe to love yourself, others, your hobbies through grounding and affirmations. You’ll acknowledge and validate yourself. I was just saying the other day, people are so filled with anxiety for the tiniest moments that are only in passing bc they don’t want to make a mistake. Usually something bad happened in their life where they can’t trust the situation they’re in and they had the options to fight or flight. Anxiety can be both. I feel like bc I’m talking so much about mental health, you must be manifesting self love. You could be attracting healthier friends, you’ll be certain about who you are. You’ll communicate with others better, and it won’t feel scary bc you know yourself.

Even if you’re wrong, you won’t be hard on yourself about it, it’s normal to be wrong just like it’s normal to be right. You’ll learn not to put your value in what you can produce for others. You’ll grow out of your people pleasing habits. You won’t won’t shove unhealed habits aggressively. You’ll meet yourself with love and understanding instead of punishment. You won’t need to protect yourself from others bc you’re protected by spirit.

Yes at times it will hurt but you know’ll how to grieve pain properly and at your own pace. Everything is okay, you’re loved, cradled, appreciated, and recognized. You are seen. I feel like that’s another manifestation. You’ll get your recognition from others, they’ll see how you’ve grown so powerfully. You’ll feel so alive and full of love like a coffetti balloon in your chest ready to pop. You’ll learn to live life to the fullest and breathe in the moment. You’ll be so proud of yourself as you should. You don’t have to be afraid it won’t happen. Your soul wants it, follow it, it’ll take you there. Manifest with your heart. Thank you for listening. Hope you find peace along your journey. You are so loved. Amen🌟

I feel like this is from a guide, maybe even Jesus. Calm, beautiful, loving energy. Maybe you’re sensitive or an empath. Congrats! See you in the future pile 1🌟

Bc I forgot to type out your cards shows me you need to find the core of your being. You don’t need other influences to find who you are, sometimes feeling your way through is better than knowing.

-angelique

hi starheart! - this is a general reading!! if something doesn’t resonate, that’s okay!! it’s a message for another viewer- nothing resonated? feel free to choose another reading

Two

we’ve come a long way- every moment was worth what we have now - your aura is so powerful - I’ll come pick you up - we protect and nurture each other - I could do nothing with you - what’s next I’m ready - I love the way you move - manifesting beautiful things.

I sense that you’re very focused on something you’re working on. This may have been weighing on your mind for a while. Your guides are coming to help you. It seems like you’ve been running yourself dry, your engine is sputtering. It could be that you want something so desperately but you don’t know how to achieve it. Cry it out, bc spirit is right there with you.

You’re manifesting some help and some love. You’ll manifest good things happening to you. There could be a tower moment that you survive and spirit rewards you for your efforts. I know you’re hurting right now, this is normal. You’ll be stuck for a while but until you realize this doesn’t last forever, it won’t be forever. I feel like you need to trust spirit. I heard “what’s wrong baby? talk to me” this could be a mother figure or a nurturer in your life or in spirit. They don’t want you to forget about them. They want you to know you’re not by yourself. You have your power and you have their help. You have to accept it.

You’ll be manifesting love and acceptance. And maybe healing a mother wound. I’m getting a lot of pain from the mother. And my mom kept distracting me from reading my cards, she couldn’t hear that I was trying to read, and she kept talking to me. Maybe you feel ignored or neglected. It’s like “how could you trust anyone when the first ones to love you caused you the most damage. You’ll get through. I promise, just don’t give up. I know today is hard but each day will become less hard. It’s like your faith is crippled and hates walking into the light. The sunshine doesn’t burn pile two, go out and feel it. Or maybe this person is a Leo who you misunderstood.

I feel like your manifesting something bad out of your life like… spelling your way out. It could backfire if wounds are unhealed. You want the next thing, you want something to happen so badly. You’re working ten times harder to make it happen without spirit. You think they’re withholding from you. You’re burning yourself out trying to get the things you’re not prepared for. You can’t take the shortcut if you want to succeed. What your team wants is to guide you in the right direction but you can’t make the turn if your heart is full of pain. There’s something in the future that requires an open heart, and you’re called to work on that in the present.

And I heard “No we’re not trying to sabotage you. We see things differently. Please don’t give up on us. We know what you’ve been through, it’s been happening for centuries.” From your guides.

I feel like your manifestations are made with lots of determination, but also anger. You need to tell spirit how you really feel so that you can find closure and heal. Maybe that’s the next step to your happiness too. Owning your pain and releasing your resentment for spirit, then talking it out with them. I’m seeing that one day you’ll see why you had those experiences and learn to forgive and apologize to your guides. It really does hurt them when you lash out. I feel how badly they want you to grieve and move on. It’s not something to be rushed, it’s something you have to allow yourself to feel.

felt the need to give advice cards

I feel like your guides want you to reach out to them. Feel who they are. Get to know them like friends. Maybe you have a new friend they want you to get closer to. They may speak through this friend, or they gave you a friend to rely on spiritually and emotionally. Your heart is closed off, but this person by their own free will, will love you. I say that bc I get that you’re someone who’s waiting for a betrayal. This person is just like you actually. Lol it’s kinda funny how we run from ourselves.

Writing could help you. And talking to a friend. The right friends won’t see you as a burden. I kinda started chatting about messages and lessons, so it’s possible you could have a really smart friend in your life who is a deep thinker.

Also I wanna add that you need to nurture your emotions rather than control them. I used to kinda force positivity instead of feel it, like “stop, you’re okay, everything is fine, you have a home, you have spirit”. It was like I was trying to convince myself I was okay. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong until I actually slowed down and thought about the real issue.

Safety is the issue. You don’t feel safe, bc when you did feel safe at some point something bad happened and it cost you your joy, innocence, hope. And those same feelings are being “protected” by your anger, depression, pain, mood swings. It’s hard for people to know you when you’re like this.

You don’t need to protect yourself anymore especially from spirit or the ones in the 3d who SHOW YOU that they love you. You’re going to have love in your life but you’re afraid your happiness will be taken away from you like before. That’s the guilt, the fear of others opinions, fear of abandonment, the ptsd responses all saying it’s too good to be true.

Your untouched peace, joy and love is a reminder of your pain, and it’s time for you to learn how to earn that back from yourself. Show yourself that it’s safe and that your pain is validated. The calmer you are the better your intuition, the better your judgment. The goal is clarity. Love is real, be brave enough to prove it.

-angelique

hi starheart! - this is a general reading!! if something doesn’t resonate, that’s okay!! it’s a message for another viewer- nothing resonated? feel free to choose another reading

[coderedblood]

TW for mentions of abuse and sexual assault

Not that their criticism isn’t valid if fans complained (and I refuse to listen to Corny Cornette himself for a number of awful reasons, including allegations of sexual abuse, bodyshaming and thinking Kenny Omega is a fetishizing p*doph*le bc he wrestled, sold for and put over a 9 year old he helped train, and for Omega’s putting over of Japanese women, one of the most attacked groups in professional wrestling), but let’s recap this right quick. (I am aware I’ll be accused of bias here. I do not care.)

“Jungle Boy” Jack Perry is facing criticism and is in controversy for being rude and aloof in two separate places, a convention and a Q&A. One of these incidents led to fans losing money and there were no refunds. In a video (which I watched 🤮 it was painful and cringey but you’re welcome!) of his, Cornette presented emails of fans who had bad interactions with Perry. Breaking down these incidents, they are as follows:

A fan paid Perry for a selfie and voice note. Perry did not do the latter.

A fan asked if Perry was coming back to their region for any more indie bookings. Perry, in what was recounted as a “rude” tone of voice, said “I ain’t traveling back there anytime soon”. This could’ve been handled better. He could’ve gotten away with this if he said so with humor and saying he doesn’t know, but he didn’t. Plus, what’s wrong with the fan’s region? (Rude, Jack.)

A young fan asked Perry what wrestling match he would watch if he were about to die. Perry said if he knew he were about to die, he wouldn’t be watching wrestling, and the thought of doing so was depressing. On one hand, that fan is a child, and children are have rudimentary grasps of death. Of course they’ll be thinking about doing fun things if life is gonna end. On the other, Perry is 25 going on 26. He is a young man and he responded in a pretty young person fashion. (Ive asked my older brother similar questions and he’s responded similarly to Perry.) Plus he also lost his father at a young age, and he was probably remembering what his dad was doing as he was dying. Here, it’s unpopular, but I don’t think either party was in the wrong.

In the now infamous Q&A, Perry was asked by another young fan about who he seeks advice from in the locker room. Perry said he only seeks advice from people who have a similar style to him, like his ex partner of some years Luchasaurus/Austin Matelson, and he doesn’t listen to “guys like Billy Gunn”. On one hand, yes, his dismissal of Billy Gunn is rude. Billy Gunn has been in the industry for longer than Perry has been alive, and the fact that Gunn will be 60 this year and still looks amazing and puts on cool matches, that is noteworthy and worth listening to. On the other hand, lucha libre has a lot of equally long-lived wrestlers (like Rey Mysterio, who’s been wrestling since he was 15!) and since Jack Perry is from California, a state with a significant Mexican population, there is some noticeable lucha libre influence in his wrestling style. Perry probably gets a lot of advice from lucha libre wrestlers. There are multiple ways of having a long career. So here, I think Perry was rude towards Billy Gunn, but ultimately neither he nor the fan were wrong.

Another young fan (what’s it with you and kids, Jack?) asked Perry for advice on becoming a wrestler. Perry said “just don’t do it”. Rude? Yes, especially to a child. However, this was a little concerning to me, especially with the way it was delivered. Perry seems to be growing disillusioned with the business he’s been training in since he was a 9-10 year old child, especially with his stagnating character. (I love the Jungle Boy gimmick but it’s time for a change.) This sounds like a tired young man. (I heard my older brother in him here too, I gotta check on my older brother again.) Rude, yes, but he seems unhappy. He needs to talk to his bosses and see how there can be changes.

Perry responded on Twitter with how much he loves meeting fans, told people to “take a walk, get laid, or hit a Canadian Destroyer”. He did not apologize. He is under a lot of criticism for these actions that have transpired, and people are either cancelling him or they are calling for a heel turn. Either way, he is the least popular Pillar atm.

Let’s now take a look at the other 3 Pillars.

MJF legitimately no-showed a fan fest last year, ostensibly over a pay dispute. This I don’t fault him for. He also could have had mental health issues or health problems or a family emergency in addition to the pay dispute, but until the autobiography comes out in 2046 we’ll never know. (This is terrible, but even with MJF’s skill in the ring, I do wonder if he was made AEW World Champion partially to keep him in the company.) A kindly user named @syreina reminded me of an incident where he dumped alcohol on a child. (What the fuck Max?) IMO that’s more problematic than rudeness.

Sammy Guevara, a beacon of trouble. In 2020 it came to light that during a podcast, Guevara said he wanted to “r*pe Sasha Banks”. (First of all what the fuck Sammy?) This is completely not okay. AEW suspended him for the grand total of one month and donated his pay to a Florida women’s shelter. Then he was back on tv. (That’s why my mom and I laughed when he said he didn’t have any pushes or privilege. Yeah right Sammy.) In 2022, he caused a fight with Eddie Kingston (where Kingston legitimately struck him, not cool Eddie) over calling Kingston fat. He later attributed this incident to “being in character” which can be a bad thing. It’s a version of “I was just joking”. Hella rude, Sammy. This isn’t 1986, wrestlers come in and all shapes and sizes now. You don’t insult people’s body types. Then later that year he was involved in a legit fight with Andrade over the latter being too stiff, to which Andrade responded (summarized) that Guevara should be stiffer (that’s what she said 😂) Guevara then said Andrade should be grateful because all he is/was in AEW is a “jobber” and said the only reason he gets bookings is because of his father-in-law (Ric Flair). Andrade simply said he would see Guevara Wednesday, which indicated a storyline, but instead what happened was Andrade legitimately ambushed Guevara. Did Guevara deserve this? No, of course not, but he has a history of problematic interactions with other wrestlers and not getting punished for them. (One has to wonder how much Chris Jericho is protecting him.)

Now we come to the least problematic of the Four Pillars, Darby Allin. Right? WRONG! Of the four, Darby has received some truly heinous accusations. An ex and fellow wrestler named Hawlee Cromwell, has said he emotionally, physically and sexually abused her. In addition, he has gone on podcasts (like Chris Jericho’s) and gleefully told stories of abusing homeless people and addicts for money or fixes. (One horrific incident that apparently took place was he made a homeless person dr*nk vomit for $5. I don’t remember where it is, but this story is burned into my head. He also made a drug addict put his head in a filthy toilet for $100 and paid off a cop in two more incidents. Eww.) Yet Darby gets countless pushes and title reigns. People have been fired for far less than he’s been accused of. He’s sick and I hate him, and I hate talking about him. (My mom and I half-joke he’s related to Tony Khan if he’s being protected from consequences so much.)

What is the point of all this, you’re asking. (If you’re still here, if so, hi and thank you!)

The point is, I don’t excuse Jack Perry’s rude behavior. With that said, this seems to be a relatively new thing. I have heard a lot of fan interactions with Perry, and I’m not exaggerating when I say almost all of them were positive. (Except for the recent ones, which are still a small percentage.) It has also been alleged that Perry has severe anxiety and stomach problems. (I believe the anxiety bc as a GAD sufferer, I can recognize the traits - lack of eye contact or looking around a lot, fidgeting, speech patterns, discomfort in large crowds/being the center of attention, etc.) That still doesn’t excuse the rudeness, and he should take these incidents as opportunities to grow and develop into someone better. If he has these severe problems with his health then he needs to speak to his doctor and his bosses about solutions to help him be better. That said, I also do find it suspicious that notorious AEW detractor Jim Cornette is the one to bring these incidents to light, especially since he’s never really had a complimentary thing to say about Perry to begin with. (Cornette’s comments about Marko Stunt, one of Perry’s close friends and an inspiration to Perry, are horrible and I’d say he should be ashamed of himself but that man has no shame especially since he masterminded Smoky Mountain Wrestling.)

Also, of all the things to be cancelled for, I don’t think rudeness is one of those things as much as you shouldn’t be rude, especially when you’re coworkers with actual terrible person Darby Allin, professional shit-talker Sammy Guevara and guy-who-pours-alcohol-on-kids Maxwell Jacob Friedman.

TLDR: “Jungle Boy” Jack Perry is under fire for recent rude behavior and some vocal members of the wrestling community are calling for his cancellation. Rude behavior especially towards kids isn’t okay but this seems to be a recent thing and was started by Jim Cornette (professional shit-stirrer). Perry should take this opportunity to apologize and get better, especially since he’s one of the pillars with Darby Allin who’s done far worse and is beloved, and Sammy Guevara, who can’t shut the fuck up.

[bandofchimeras]

one nice bpd thing is when you've been thru the idealization and devaluation swing with a new FP and held awareness w yourself and....cooled off? without doing anything nutso like declaring undying Love or trying to banish them from your life.

then you get to hang out with them. and see how they actually are as a person outside your Brain Games. and they're just, cute or nice, or kinda dorky and flawed in some charming way. and it's like OOOOOHHH the idea I had of you in my head is no match, good or bad, for the reality of your humanness in the room with me.

(long post under the read more)

in earlier stages of recovery this settling into equilibrium always gave me the ick. bc my shame was so intense for my own humanness. being human is so stinky and sticky and crusty and mundane and broken sometimes. no wonder our minds make people into gods or demons when sitting with our very vulnerable human selves is so difficult. especially if you have never fully experienced unconditionally accepting love. ideas taste better than reality.

I begin to think that my BPD is rooted in a real fear and real experiences of being abandoned for being imperfect, or not fitting someone's preconceived expectations, or disappointing them in some way. it was hard to accept this bc I have done it to people too. and it is so painful.

but now the next step is finding a new framework for how to say "no" and have boundaries and prioritize people. BESIDES "oh you aren't what I thought you were."

which is a challenge specifically along the ADHD axis of low impulse control, memory issues and generally not understanding how much work is involved in tasks or relationships.... leading to either avoidance of them, or taking on too many.

this is a genuine disability that leads to poor energy management that impacts people I my life. and if people can love me, and they do, then what's between love and us is real barriers of communication and follow through, that can hopefully be addressed.

I really can't keep going through the swing of impulsive relationships that end with abandonment or never end in a tortured half alive state of limbo. it feels impossible to fully let go of anybody or be fully with anybody and that's where the pain comes from.

I think the image instability is related to ADHD object impermanence. I have to practice manually making my brain remember people exist when we aren't in same room, or I am not hyperfixated on them. if someone isn't in the Focus Zone I can still love them but they don't get attention. which....hmm maybe I conflate with love. because of that being such a big need for me.

i wonder if anyone without this disorder overthinks their relationships to this extent, and if they don't how they manage their energy to avoid so many painful patterns???

i do wish relationships took up less space in my life too and I had more ability to lean into hobby time. The unresolved emotions & cycles around interpersonal relationships feel like big heavy magnets that take my energy away from efforts in areas that would be more meaningful. They keep me looping around in specific thought patterns and stories unable to stay in physical reality long enough to complete anything.

I wonder what genuinely falling in love would be like with a person. instead of intense attachment feelings, developing a fondness and sense of compatibility with someone over time as you also become able to trust them. They would have to really love me and have a lot of patience to stick out these mood swings and thought distortions.

But hey that has to be possible because I am a person, and I am developing the patience to love myself!

What still hurts is the question: is there someone out there who will see me and go, he's worth it!. He's worth the trouble! Someone who I also felt love for, that would chose me not based on an idea of who I am but my actual reality. So I don't have to play a role or an image for them.

it's a painful question. but I have to believe maybe it's possible, and even if not, along the way there is plenty of love from animals and trees and community, and friends that will recognize my inherent worth as I learn to.

the borderline asks to be chosen, to be special. Without qualification. But the beauty of love is that everyone always has a choice to love. It's never permanent or guaranteed.

now, how to make peace with that!!!?

this has been a post on the intersection of ADHD, OCD and BPD from my experience.

[brick-a-doodle-do]

Brick, ramble about something, really, just ramble about anything.

okay so i have an alien au that i really haven't talked about at all except with xyz, and i think it'd be cool to introduce and talk about!!

soo basically the au is found family but not in a sense of found family, but he found another family that's worlds better than the one he had, and the dynamics of said family are more likee friendship-y? it's just the family you chose (friends) over the family you were born into. i cannot think of a way to describe it 😭

ANYWAYS

have a lil sample of the plot outline!

phil and techno, tommy's father and adopted older brother, both got accepted into a version of nasa that specializes specifically in the study of planets, including traveling to them. tommy didn't apply because it didn't interest him, and even if it did, he was far too young. so naturally, interplanetary travel took up a lot of his family's time, leaving tommy at home to take care of himself.

so, jealous, tommy did the only logical thing, and followed emduo to their work! and....broke into the facility.

during his exploration, he ran into wilbur, a mini-giant who's going to be travelling to the same planet as phil and techno. and who also just so happens to accept tommy's request that he be taken along! tommy of course added in a few lies about his age and maybe said his family allowed it, and definitely used persuasion and a little guilt tripping, but nonetheless, wilbur accepted. tommy would be going to another planet! to finally see what the big deal was.

time comes for the day of their departure, and tommy again follows emduo to work, meeting up with wilbur immediately after.

the trip is excruciatingly long and a little jarring to him, a virgin to space travel, but it gets done. so now, tommy's given permission by wilbur to go exploring the planet. it's pretty. scarce, but pretty.

while looking around, tommy comes across a waterfall, which he immediately drops all the technology wilbur gives him to go explore within the water. it feels....weird, much different than the water on earth. that aside, he missteps and accidentally slips into a hole that'd been previously covered by (haven't figured that out yet) and plummets down, down, down, down into a beautiful underground civilization. the only downside? a giant alien-esque being walks by, and tommy knows he's royally fucked when he remembers there's no way out. at least he landed in something soft!

meanwhile back at the campsite with wilbur, their clocks say dusk is nearing. he doesn't think too much of tommy's absence, given that his curfew was a little bit after dusk and that this entire place was huge, it was easy to get a little lost, but as half past his required hour passes, he starts worrying. he's getting anxious when he hears emduo talking about tommy, so anxious he almost lets his fuckup slip. he goes to bed, hoping for tommy to be in his tent, alive and sleeping, as soon as dawn hits.

but he isn't. and to say he's lonely and scared is the complete opposite of what he is. he's acquired a lovely bundle of friends while amongst the pretty town.

pretty fun!! i actually made a doodle for this au and would be totally cool with making one of those pages, because alien designs are one of the more flexible character designs! the doodle i made i'm 90% sure is deleted by now but it was of dream's face and i am SOOOOO proud of it like it's SO cool OH MY GOD x came up with it and i added some things and OH MY GODDDD ASJDFFDSAFJASJFJAS i cannot express my love for dream's face design in this au :)

the au (apart from wilbur growing guiltier by the second) is primarily fluffy with only 1 angsty part i already have planned out :D me and x did talk about this a lot so i can probably bring some of that to the surface :D

aHHHHHH i'm typing and deleting so much stuff bc in don't wanna give away too muchhhh ADJVFJD

i'll cut myself off here!! but i do have MUCH more to say!!! questions are always welcome, i'll def answer the ones that don't give away too much :DD

i think this is my third day in a row introducing a new au or set of aus. what the fuck is wrong with me ??? i'm like a hoarder but instead of random crap it's minecraft block men fanfiction universes that occasionally are sprinkled with g/t and vore 😭

[daz4i]

Please tell me about your au, I saw you said you had a bit about Chuuya written? I'm instantly 👀, can't wait to read the whole thing if you ever post it. I also need a bit of a distraction tbh, got my T shot today so now my ass hurts, you know how it is

oh damn stay strong bestie!!!!! D: i feel your pain 🤝

as for the au!!!!!! i'm gonna copy paste the chuuya bit and everything around him (which oh god now that i'm on browser view i can see it covers nearly a whole google docs page) but like, beforehand lemme give you a tldr:

angels. demons. all real baby. no abilities tho. the mafia are demons, the hunting dogs are angels, and the agency is made of (mostly) humans who protect humanity when they might get in the crossfire between these factions (there are more angels and demons out there but like. these are their anchors to the human world, in a sense)

some background abt the mafia bc it's necessary (also copy pasted directly hehe sorry): the mafia is basically hell. not as in it sucks, but, it’s a safe haven for demons and fallen angels and the likes (important to note, it employs - mostly in the lower ranks or in utility positions - humans as well)

i think that's all you need to know to understand the chuuya stuff hm. i will def post the whole thing tho when i'm finished! anyway here's darkness my sorrow:

chuuya is a fallen angel. he was a young angel taken for experimentation, humans studying the species to learn more about them, with one single researcher wondering what’ll happen if you combine an angel with a demon somehow - thus, creating arahabaki, inside chuuya, essentially a demonic soul he has to keep at bay. however, one day in the lab, while chuuya was barely aware of what’s happening, arahabaki unleashed itself and killed all the humans around, causing chuuya to officially lose his (physical) wings.

being a fallen angel does not necessarily mean he’s a demon - his holy, radiant powers simply turned darker, and his angelic values are gone, essentially he became a human with the powers of a dark angel, and these powers help him keep arahabaki down. 

chuuya doesn’t remember his past - doesn’t remember being an angel, let alone being experimented on. he knows arahabaki is inside him, and he remembers his own name, and that he’s been alive for A While, but nothing from that time. the events of 15 go p much the same, i wanna say (rimbaud is a demon and the sheep are human btw), so he ends up joining the mafia. 

will verlaine come in at some point? maybe. i wanna say he will be an angel that through experimentation was turned into a demon, and he thinks chuuya is the same. 

the flags were humans, also low ranking in the mafia, and given chuuya's odd nature of a being, mori put him in their care "thinking" he's a weird human anyway (but lbr he knows better). this makes chuuya feel more defined in his humanity and having a sense of belonging to humanity as a whole - he doesn't remember being an angel (tho through plot stuff he does learn about it. blame verlaine), and he no longer is one anyway. he's certainly not a demon, even if he now works for them. he knows he's not Normal, can feel arahabaki living under his skin, but he wants to be human, fascinated with the life you can have as one, and so he chooses to live as one. 

hehe this is my translation of stormbringer into this au, mostly. or like. the first half of it bc oh god oh fuck i still haven't finished reading it. btw as a bonus here's what i have abt adam for now:

idk where adam comes into play but legally he has to be there bc i love him. maybe he's an artificial angel, somehow. i do so love the combination of divine and machine 👀 (<- smt metatron stan)

riveting i know i know. if you've got ideas for him feel free to send them my way!!!! (and this is @ all my followers not just anon >:3)

[caatws]

I saw your post and I don't understand Gunn. What does a real family mean? I'm so confused. He dragged her butt back to the guardians and had her go through all the emotional turmoil of the whole movie for her fake family? Okay I guess but that seems stupid. Does she still get to be sisters with Nebula at least or is that now off the table.

Really though why does nothing about Gamora's story make sense anymore? She fell off a cliff and everything went to shit. I realized that Peter has basically been depressed since 2018 and falling apart drinking since being unsnapped. Nebula had one thing she wanted and that was a sister and she had to go without that for 5 years and then suddenly she gets her back and that's it. The rest of them don't even appear to fully grasp what's been going on. All this stuff happens off camera and then we're in vol 3 and before you know it the story is over.

The only way I can make sense of any of it is to see it as a story of Gamora dying and everything fell apart. Peter decented into a black pit of despair, the guardians couldn't figure out what to. Nebula trying to help running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Then Rocket nearly dies before dealing with his abuser and they all free some people before parting ways at the end. Otherwise the lack of information and explanation of why certain things are happening, have happened and some characters appearing checked out of the situation entirely, is just too much to comprehend. Noone else who died in IW or EG has had this crappy of an emotional follow up or further exploration of character except maybe Heimdall. I just don't understand it.

yeah i totally agree with you anon, like i was just telling some of my friends the other day how i think gamora honestly has like the WORST arc in the mcu bc of this whole thing. like other characters had arcs that ended rly stupidly (like steve lmao) bc they were ooc or did nothing but i think gamora's is like, a separate level of Terrible bc it's not even like she got an ooc ending or regressed or something, her "arc" was her life after thanos just being straight up ERASEDDDD in canon like. my god

and you're so right abt how the other characters who died in iw/eg have been treated better by the narrative in the time since, save for heimdall - like yesterday i was specifically trying to think of gamora's arc vs natasha romanoff's specifically in how both (after being fridged) have been grieved in the canon narratives since then, and, oh man...gamora truly got the worst of the worst here. like, we have gotten to see yelena and clint have actual arcs in their separate grieving processes for natasha (in addition to seeing tony, steve, bruce, and thor all grieve her in endgame), and bc it's become such an integral part of yelena's character specifically, i think it's fair to say we're probably going to see natasha's legacy continue in yelena's future stories

gamora has literally gotten nothing to this extent, bc we only ever see peter and nebula grieve her, and in vol 3 there are TWO TIMES where someone mentions gamora being dead and another character is like Well, Actually, She's Alive, She Just Doesn't Remember ! which essentially creates zero space in the narrative for the rest of the gotg to express grief for her, since it's established that they've apparently all made peace with 2014!gamora existing as a replacement but wanting absolutely nothing to do with them before the film which just seems ??? like you're telling me drax, rocket, mantis, and groot - none of them miss THEIR gamora EITHER ?????

like obviously i get gamora isn't gonna be swayed to do much after 48 hours (although how much time passes in vol 1 before the gotg start deciding they're a team/family....?) esp with the baggage of the original gamora vs 2014!gamora weighing over everything (except that the narrative shows and establishes only peter being the one to be struggling with this baggage, suggesting 2014!gamora could have relationships with the rest of the gotg without this conflict at all lol), but just....idk it's messy! (also when peter tried to gatekeep being a ravager from gamora during that one scene LMAOOO there was something so satisfying in that)

ALSO to continue making a long answer long...considering all the variant character nonsense the mcu has been trying to put us through in recent years with all the multiverse stuff, i think it's fair to look at gamora through that lens. bc that is literally what mcu phases 4 and 5 are abt. the multiverse. and what characters are like in different timelines.

between the loki show and no way home, we get the idea that there are certain values and truths that are inherent to each character no matter what world or timeline they live in - as the loki show so succinctly puts it, "what makes a loki a loki?"

so that brings me to ask, what makes a gamora a gamora?

and i don't think a gamora can exist without being part of the guardians family, so it's disappointing that our onscreen, canon narrative, ends before that can happen, and it's more disappointing that the language of "real family" suggests a conflict with gamora achieving that.

(inb4 someone's like WELL IT'S OPEN-ENDED IT'S WHAT HAPPENS OFFSCREEN AFTER ETC bc yeah i agree that could be a natural next step in 2014!gamora's story. which is the problem. THE STORY IS OVER. we aren't GETTING gamora or the gotg anymore, besides peter allegedly, whatever tf that entails lmao. so no matter how open-ended this is, it's still the last we're seeing of them in canon, so it deserves to be criticized as such - the canon end of the franchise.)

[lovehatecomics]

Suli but she eventually leaves Darkseid and works undercover with Himon (am i spelling his name right?) to undermine Darkseid's plans and also make the lives of ordinary Apokolips people less miserable.

Sorry for not answering your ask sooner. My week's been very hectic 😩

I think if Suli was alive, maybe Darkseid would've been less likely to become the god we know him as today. bc comics tell us it was Suli's death that hardened Darkseid's heart, that she was the only one he's truly loved, etc. I've already talked about this a few times if you wanted to look through my "suli" tag, but if she had survived the initial poisoning I'd want Suli to take revenge on Heggra for trying to kill her. I'd lowkey want to toss Desaad's nasty ass in the mix, BUT Suli would know that he was following orders and therefore shouldn't be the reciever of her anger. Plus, we all know he'd probably enjoy it a lil too much tbh

Suli's a scientist and sorceress, so I refuse to believe poison would've killed her. Not only that, she's survived on Apokolips all this time in spite of her "softness". This leads me to believe she's got a sharp mind, capable of being two steps ahead, preferring Brains over Brawn, etc. A lot like Darkseid imo, I mean why else would they have gotten along so well and to the point that Darkseid not only marries Suli, but has a child with her behind his mother's back.

Hegra was a wicked mother-in-law who felt like she knew what was best for Darkseid and acted accordingly. She kills Suli before forcing Darkseid to be with Tigra, who was the EXACT OPPOSITE of Darkseid's beloved. Tigra was chosen specifically for her ferocity and I bet Heggra thought to herself, "Surely, this one will remind Darkseid about his purpose and he will stop being weak."

Now, if Suli had survived and wanted revenge on Heggra, I can see her allowing Tigra to bear a child for Darkseid. It's her love for Darkseid that drives Suli to ensure Tigra remains healthy so she can birth a strong child. When Tigra voice her confusion about Suli's actions, Suli could simply answer, "I do all of this because I love Darkseid. I refuse to have you bear him a weak child, so I will care for you during your pregnancy. Even I will admit that wretch had picked a fine mate for her son. Though, I imagine you had no choice in the matter."

(Imagine the Pact still taking place and the sheer terror Suli feels when she learns about Tigra's Declaration of her son Orion killing her beloved Darkseid. Here, I can see Suli being the one banishing her instead of Darkseid. AND instructing her son Kalibak to kill his stepbrother Orion in a desperate attempt to stop this "Prophecy". Even though Kalibak and Orion don't cross paths until they're adults, Kalibak remembers his mother's instructions to kill the New Genesis warrior who fights "like one of us, bearing the ferocity of Apokolips". Kalibak would know when he sees it in Orion, maybe doesn't know that they're brothers yet.... Anyway, I'm getting distracted! 😅)

I can imagine her telling Tigra about her plan to kill Heggra so Darkseid can have his rightful place as ruler of Apokolips. Then her son Kalibak would become his rightful heir and everything would be as it should be. Tigra agrees with the plan bc she's never liked Heggra and based on the Orion solo, we see in Tigra's memory that she was interested in a (royal?) guard who was then killed by Darkseid.

Heggra thinks that Suli's dead, Tigra's with Darkseid now, Kalibak won't become her son's heir, all is right in her little world. Now Suli would be a patient person to exact her revenge on Heggra by poisoning and weakening her. Stabbing Heggra with her dagger bc Suli can't think of anything better than watching the life leave out of Heggra's eyes. To watch her mind race as she tries to figure out how long Suli's been alive, why would she let Tigra bear Darkseid's child, etc. To see Tigra just within sight, bearing witness to her murder and doing nothing to stop Suli. Suli keeps the dagger and gifts it to Darkseid, confessing to him what she had done. Darkseid becomes new ruler of Apokolips and continues his battle against New Genesis while Suli remains behind the scenes.

So, maybe if Suli was alive and Tigra still had to bear Darkseid's child in an attempt to fool Heggra, maybe Tigra and the guard she actually loved could've raised Orion together for a moment. Then Orion wouldn't find out that Darkseid was his true father until later on bc he remembers being raised by Tigra's bf guard along with his mother Tigra.

Ooooooooh, what if Tigra's guard is killed trying to protect Orion bc Darkseid's guards came to take him for the Pact. Which could also be why we have Orion fighting the guards so fiercely before he's tossed through a boom tube to New Genesis. SO, Tigra loses both husband(?) and child in one day, and a friend as she chases Suli off to refrain herself from killing her. Suli had no idea about the Pact or that Orion would've been used (which Suli later realizes with horror that she unknowingly orchestrated Darkseid's inevitable end), but Tigra doesn't believe her.

NO WAIT LISTEN. OK OK OKAYYYYYY

Imagine Tigra busting into Darkseid's place of work demanding to know where Orion is. Tearing shit up, right? Her voice roaring into the atmosphere as guards try and fail to obtain her. In a parallel scene we see Orion, having witnessed the death of his father/Tigra's lover, is viciously attacking the guards who stole him. And we then get Darkseid's classic line of comparing the two as snarling, angry killer-cats. bc imo Orion takes more after Tigra than he does Darkseid and then we'd get the visual of the two fighting in similar fashion. In the OG New Gods comic, it took GROWN MEN to toss Orion through the boom tube to New Genesis and even then he was fighting them off.

Suli later confronts Darkseid about the Pact, Tigra's Declaration of her son killing him, etc. Darkseid states matter-of-factly that this was all done to buy himself more time to prepare. Suli warns about Orion and what he's likely inheritted from Tigra, a warrior Heggra had chosen as Suli's exact opposite. Suli had seen firsthand how dangerous Tigra was even as she restrained herself from killing her. The instinct Suli felt to FLEE from Tigra's presence, but remained frozen in terror. Warning that if Orion grows to be anything like his mother, that he will become a thorn in the side of Apokolips.

For the most part, what happens in canon can easily remain the same. Kalibak being raised with his mother might have changed things for him, too! He could still be known as Kalibak the Cruel, perhaps being cruel in a variety of ways to break the spirit of people as opposed to just physical harm 🤔

Now to finally answer your question, YES I could see Darkseid's pursuit of the Anti-Life Equation driving away everyone he held dear. Specifically Suli, who sees how far this obsession has driven him. Do I see her allowing Himon (you did spell it right) to help others escape Apokolips or at least make life easier on the planet? Yes. She wouldn't help with Scott Free though, knowing that it could lead to the Pact being broken and Darkseid's death brought faster. Unfortunately, Scott eventually escapes on his own even though this was part of Darkseid's plan as well.

As the war between both planets continue, Suli dreads witnessing Tigra's Declaration fulfilled in the inevitable clash between father and son. Perhaps her beloved had died long ago as he continued pursuing the Anti-Life equation. Her pleas have since been ignored as Darkseid remain transfixed on his goal. Maybe she had debated killing him, thinking it's better for Darkseid to die peacefully by her hands than brutually by his son's. Then Kalibak could rule and they find a way to end all of this.

OR Suli follows and supports Darkseid to the bitter end, finally meeting Orion full grown and looking so much like his mother. Feeling the same sense of dread and urge to flee like she had ages ago. Unable to move and stop Orion from advancing any further as he walks right past her. Hearing his footsteps echo further away as Suli falls to her knees, letting out a breath she held in before heaves shake out of her followed by sobs. Wails for the inevitable death of her beloved Darkseid. While a part of me don't think she could bear witnessing it, I can see Suli forcing herself to. Tigra would definitely be there to witness her Declaration come to pass along with all of Apokolips and New Genesis alike.

Sorry, if this is too long. 😅

[sofipitch]

Headcanon ask for the books : Say Lestat gathered his lasts reserves of strength, fought off Armand's manipulations and manages to save Claudia. How do you think the aftdrmath would go down? How do you think the relationship between Lestat, Claudia and Louis would evolve? Where does Armand fit into this?

So my first thought was this has been done before in Into the Open Air, I like the direction that fic takes. In that one Lestat and Claudia go off together and Louis and Armand. I think the crux of that is Madeline dying (although I can't remember). I think if Madeline is still alive that Claudia should be able to go off with her.

I think in general what makes the loustat reunion in TVL so good is that you never feel it is forced to happen. Louis spent time away from Lestat and was able to decide he wanted him back, the decision isn't based on guilt or codependence (at least in my shipper's rose eyed glasses). So I think they would all benefit from some time apart from each other to decide if they actually even like each other. Including Armand. Lestat berates Armand for being a follower and not thinking for himself/doing what he wants in life. And then he saddles Armand with the theater and Nicki. As Jacob Anderson put it, therapy Mon cher. But for everyone.

I think they all need to actually consider what they want from their immortal life, and then they could decide whether or not to come together. I personally think they would, although some major apologies would still be necessary first. Like Lestat said, the murder family had happy moments that I don't think were a result of being forced together, it happened because they liked each other.

And while I do think loustat might get back together I don't imagine Claudia still living with them, so much as dropping by every now and then to visit her parents like an adult daughter. I go back and forth on if I actually think Night Island could have worked (sans Marius obviously). I think I like it at least better than the Chateau in Prince Lestat because there is no obvious hierarchy. In PL everyone is there bc they want to worship Lestat or whatever, everyone has to listen to Lestat and the "elders" (even to the point of putting their life in danger 😬) Night Island they all seemed to want companionship, especially after some traumatic events. I also like Night Island bc it implies that Louis and Lestat, while being together, have friends outside their own relationship. Given their history of codependency I think this is VERY important. And I think if they are both genuinely in a situation where they can actively choose to be together they'd be much happier. They'd both know they are together bc they want to be, not bc they are the only vampires they know in North America.

That's obviously the healthiest possible outcome and I'm sure some ppl might read it and think too idealistic, canon is a good enough example of the unhappy unhealthy flipside that makes me want the characters to be better, to believe in that potential

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

anyway. literally forcing my gf to read some of my books thag make me go 😵‍💫 rn today i gave her rebecca by daphne du maurier and lapvona by ottessa moshfegh which i finished last night it made me literallt dizzy maybe bc i accidentally bought a large print edition instead of a regular size print so the text was Huge but my gf is like legally blind so the large text is actually better for them look at me accidentally being the worlds best partner except rebecca’s text is absolutely tiny like oh my god it’s so small how did i read it esp so late at night i like to read for about an hour before i go to bed which in summer is like 11 o’clock and by that time i almost fully convince myself i need glasses bc i don’t see very well at the end of the day is you love who you love there ain’t no other way of there’s something i learned from a million mistakes you’re the one that i want at the end of the day god i love that song it’s so lesbianism i love that whole album i can’t believe it’s almost 7 years old already…….like honestly what the fuck i remember literally counting down to its release on my old Instagram with 100 followers i would post the album cover and i would caption it like ‘only 27 days to go!’ and now my babygirl is almost 7 years old what the fuckkkkk how have i been listening to one direction for over half my life now genuinely over half and i’m still blown away by their music like damn one band one dream one direction i hate them so fuckinh much they were so toxic and louis and zayn were so mistreated it’s not even funny i hate that band and everything it stands for so much i wish it had never formed and i wish louis would never acknowledge it ever again but he’s too sweetheart babygirl honeybuns he’s too nostalgic to do that it’s so 💔 but fr tho like why doesn’t he change his twitter bio that fucking band has been dead longer than it was alive does he know he can use his bio to be like mom of one (another on the way!!) wife of oli there are so many options and he’s still too sweetie nostalgic to change it from 1/4 of one direction it’s so sad to me i just like. he’s his own person and he has his own career and he’s so successful on his own why doesn’t he brag about it does he know it’s okay to brag about the things he’s done in his solo career sigh one of these days i’m going to hack into his twitter and change it for him. anyway. i love my girlfriend and i love kissing her 🤭

[blockheadjnr]

I don’t know where I am. I’m in a bed I shouldn’t be in. A bed I can’t get out of. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who you are. Day after day, you came back. You made me laugh. Im just a bunny. My favorite laugh. My favorite smile. I didn’t want to go to sleep, didn’t want to forget, didn’t want to reset. It kept happening. Over and over. Forget & reset.

Something was wrong with me.

It looks like a clown car? It looks like a muppet?

I am so happy you found me.

So there was the joys of being a passenger in your car, wondering why he’s so worried about me? What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I getting better? Why is he so nice to me? Why’s he the nicest anyone has ever been to me? Why does he look at me like that? Can I stay? I didn’t know how to ask. Neither did you. So we listened to it twice (and that solo is rlly long)

Now you’re a bomb & you’re about to explode. Not at me, at the world, why aren’t I getting better? Why can’t I remember you? It was primary, it was color theory, it was my favorite teachers, it was elementary. It was 100% breaking & entering. I booped them on the nose, called them a silly goose. I liked sitting with you. Looking at you. (Sorry what was that about an apple?)

Time blurs and blends. You made me laugh, I remembered you. Poor whatshisname. We ran thru a hospital, laughing, bc we could. I’d follow you anywhere. Where were we going? I wanted to catch the confetti around your head.

I liked dancing with you (a lot) (so much) (can’t wait to again)

Then you were taken by the ocean. What happened to big blue? Was he real? Was he dead? Was I real? I was lost. I was dead. I was a robot. I was a puppet. I was a ghost. No one could hear me. I couldn’t hear me. I’m lost in my own home.

Time goes on. I’m lost. Then like a kings wave, you were there, here, with me, pulled me back to the ocean. I was so happy to drown with you. To sleep one more time. Then you were gone.

Sickness, darkness and despair. Happy birthday. It’s a party. I was a 6ft blind zombie. This little dude in a costume is cute. His eyes sparkle. I didn’t know I had a heart that could beat. Feels So familiar. Feels so— some annoying twerp laughs at you & rolls on the floor.

I wanted to stomp his skull in. Brains explode. Blood and gore. I see red.

Then I’m alone, seething and blind. everyone’s gone. I’d almost remembered something important.

The ceilings the wrong color. Where’s the clouds? Where’s the bees?

I have to open the window. I just need to know I can escape.

Lucky for us both we have good friends.

Suddenly I’m on stage (again?!) I’m real & im alive. What a joy.

Apres mois.

It’s something backwards, dubito cogito ergo sum—therefore I think, I am—

I can hear confetti? I can see confetti. He can see me?

I see you. The invisible man thinks he’s so sneaky. I wanted to throw things at you.

Sabotage.

Daddy’s dirty jokes.

Why was this all so familiar? Those guilty eyes.

I didn’t know I had a heart that could beat twice in one life.

I hear a symphony .

Happy new year. I’m alone.

Why was this all so familiar? It’s pouring rain. I can’t control my actions. I’m synced up to a song in my head. My feet don’t glide like they did back then. I’m really blind, I’m really deafened by the rain. I feel nothing. I’m skin & bones. I slipped so far (again).

It’s not this house. It’s not this one. It’s not that one. This house has a repeating pattern—I’ve been feeling like there’s two of me. No it’s not that one. (Who am I talking to?) (I’ve said this before?)

What’s that look like? Clown car. Honk.

What’s that house look like? A muppet.

That’s the house. Whose house? I don’t know.

I knock on the door. “Who are you looking for?” Oh I have no idea.

[vibraniumwing]

soft.

a bucky barnes x fem!reader wherein the reader comes home to see the super soldier with a toddler tucked in his lap.

WARNING: none! (all mistakes within the story are mine)

A/N: soft and domestic (and clingy) bucky, anyone? i’ve written this with tfaws bucky in mind after episode five where he was on the couch and smiled after seeing sam’s nephews. so yes now i present to you bucky with a child bcs we need that content, ,, good bYe for i shall be drowning in my own feels.

---

“Do you really have to go, doll?” Bucky asked, watching you by the frame of your shared bedroom door with his hands crossed against his chest. A heavy sigh heaving from his lips as his eyes observed you pick out a shirt to wear, hands grasping on his black shirt and opted to wear that; a small smile formed on his lips as you slipped into the clothing piece, adoring how big it looks on you.

You turned to him with your hand on your waist, an eyebrow raised, “Unless you want to starve for a whole month then fine I won’t go to the grocery” you say teasingly, checking yourself out in the mirror before walking up to him, arms linking around his neck loosely; his hands circling around your waist in a protective manner as he pulls you into him. “I won’t be gone for the whole day, James.”

He groaned softly, wanting nothing more than to accompany you but seeing that you were going with your mother, he opted out. “You always say that then be gone for the whole afternoon.” he grumbles in between the kisses he gives you. “You and your mom take so much time at the grocery store.”

You threw your head back and laughed, finding his small whiny state adorable. You retract your arms from behind his neck and cupped the sides of his face, squishing his cheeks gently. “You sound like a child, Buck. I promise I won’t be long. Besides, you have Alpine to keep you company.” you motion your head to the sleeping cat on the bed.

“Now please let me go so I can leave now and be back sooner.” you tell him, pressing one final kiss to his lips before ducking out of his embrace, making your way to the front door and grabbing your car keys before turning back to see him standing behind you with a small pout on his lips (albeit he would never admit to doing such an act),

You grinned and walked up to him, reaching up to press a small kiss on his lips. “Sometimes it's hard to believe you’re this big scary dude that can take twenty men down in a course of ten minutes when all I see is this big baby.” you tease, a hand snaking up to the back of his head to play with the ends of his hair softly.

“Doll wait before you go” Bucky starts off, holding onto you, cheeks lightly flushed as he hesitated with his words, clearing his throat lightly before looking away, “Can you set up that damn Netflix thing on the TV before you leave?”

Your gaze on him softened even more and nodded, leading him to the living room and set the whole thing up for him, handing him the remote right after. “I’m guessing you can manage now?” he smiled shyly, the area around his eyes crinkling as he nodded. “Yeah, I will. Thanks, doll.”

“I’ll be back later, I love you, Buck!” You bid him a goodbye, looking back at him from the door and gave him a small wave, the male waving back before focusing on the TV, searching for that one movie you suggested he watch.

“What was that movie called again? RIght, The Breakfast Club”

---

Not even half-way through the movie, Bucky had somehow fallen asleep on the couch, not finding the first few minutes of the film entertaining. He somehow fell deep into slumber that he didn’t even notice the front door of the house opening until he felt something being placed on his stomach.

He stirred awake and the first thing his blurry vision could make out is the outline of a toddler sitting on him. “Hey James, I’m leaving Hugo with you and Y/N for the weekend. Our babysitter cancelled out last minute and I’ve been trying to call my sister but she hasn’t picked up any calls.” Damian, your younger brother said in a rush, putting down your nephew’s baby bag on the coffee table. “Thanks James, we owe you one.”

But before Bucky could get a say in any of this, Damian was already out the door and the sound of a car pulling away was followed. Barely half-awake, he stared at the tyke who was staring right back at him with his innocent E/C doe eyes. “What do I do with you?”

He takes Hugo in his arms as he sits up, placing him on his lap, his metal arm reaching over to pause television. “Y/N’s better at this than I am.” he mumbles, watching the child look around the room before he started to fidget on the larger male’s lap, wanting to roam around.

Bucky sighs, “Now why won’t Y/N answer her calls?” he asks the tiny human who was still staring up at him. He reaches over to grab his phone and dials your number, only to hear it ring from the other side of the house, inside your room. He dropped the call and placed his phone inside his pocket, now wondering what he could do to keep the small person alive.

“Usually Y/N deals with you.” He says, watching the small child struggle on his lap, clearly wanting to get down. Bucky finally gets what Hugo wanted to do and sets him down on the carpeted floor, watching the toddler (wobbly) walk around the space freely.

Seeing that the child was doing alright after finding a small fixation with Alpine who was now resting near the couch, he returned his attention back to the TV to resume watching the movie. His attention split in half as he continued to glance back at the kid who was now playing with the toys you had brought him and kept at in a basket in the corner of the living room where you deemed it “Hugo’s Area”

Bucky was finally getting into the film, entertainment written all over his face at the sight of the students dancing around the library until it morphed into one of concern when a small bonk followed by a loud cry resonated the room making him look over at Hugo who was already flushed from crying.

He paused the movie again and rushed over to Hugo’s side, taking the small boy in his arms, cradling him on his lap as he tried to calm him down. “Now kid, don’t cry on me. C’mon” he mumbled, raising him up lightly to look at his forehead as he searched for any wounds, relieved to find none.

“C’mon James, what would Y/N do…” He said to himself, standing up as he moved around and cradled the crying child, trying to remember what you would do whenever he has meltdowns like this.

“Oh god, right!” Bucky exclaimed as he remembered, quickly going to the couch and sat down, placing Hugo on his lap as he gently placed his vibranium hand on the back of his head and his flesh one cupping the smaller one’s cheek, wiping the tears that glistened on his smooth skin.

Seeing how the toddler was starting to calm down, he carefully spoke, “Now you gotta work with me, little one.” Bucky then proceeded to blow softly on his face, remembering how you would do that when Hugo was having a fit. “Now can you do that for me as well?” He asked, encouraging the child with a small smile.

Once he felt the kid do the same thing, he repeated the steps a few more times until he was completely calm, letting the child snuggle up against his chest, feeling how he would occasionally let out a small shuddering sob from time to time, making Bucky laugh at the adorable action. “Now what do you want to do?” he gently asked, the cold surface of his metal hand that caressed the child’s back making small bubbles of laughter elicit from the baby.

“Bucky wead [ read ] pwease?” was all that left the two-year old’s mouth, causing a small surprise from the older. Hugo then pushed himself off from Bucky’s chest and turned to his small corner of the room, raising his small arm and pointing his even smaller finger towards the bookshelf that was filled to the brim with story books.

A chuckle left the soldier’s lips, “Alright then, little dude. Go take your pick.” he then proceeded to let him down and watch as the toddler walked his way towards the array of books and picked out one, running back towards him with a big smile.

“Alright big guy, what do you have for me?” Bucky asked, taking the tyke in his arms once again, taking the book from Hugo’s hands. He let out a (very) fake gasp of excitement which made the toddler laugh out loud as his reaction, making small little wiggles of his own eagerness for the book.

Bucky shifted in his seat a little to be more comfortable, letting Hugo snuggle up to him as he opened the book and started to read, “Llama Llama, red pajama, reads a story with his mama.”

---

You were elated to finally come back home and fall into your lover’s arms from a long day of errands with your mom. After the Target trip with your mom, you had to drive her back home and help her with her own groceries and pack up everything with her over at your childhood home一 with an addition of having a few serious talks with her about your future.

“Seriously, Y/N. When are you going to give me a grandchild?” Your mother poked your sides as you helped her bring in the bags filled with her stuff. Ever since Damian introduced Hugo to the family, she’d been on your heels about when you and Bucky would bring one to them as well; admittedly you and him had been in a much longer relationship than Damian and his wife which surprises everyone even more.

You shrugged, rolling your eyes in a playful manner. “I don’t know, mom. I think I’m content being with Bucky for now.” you answered truthfully, setting the items on the kitchen island and turned to her, “Besides, we have Alpine! Our cat!”

This made your mother sigh, laughing softly at your antics. “I know my sweet girl, but I’m just so excited to see a little you or James run around with Hugo.” Her answer causes your heart to swell at the thought of starting a family with him some day; conversations like this with him are normal but are always caught in a fleeting moment so you were never certain about his opinions on the matter.

“Well you just have to wait and see, ma.”

Taking the bags in your hand, you walked over to the door and opened it with ease, expecting to see Bucky waiting for you on the other side only to be greeted by none. Your eyebrows were furrowed as you carefully stepped inside, assuming he had fallen asleep as he waited for you until you heard his quiet voice resonating through the living room. “Little llama, don’t you know? Mama llama loves you so”

You peeked at the source of the sound and what you saw made you just melt on the spot. Bucky had Hugo on his lap, your nephew playing with the thumb of his artificial arm as he listened to the story that he was barely paying attention to as he was already falling asleep.

Not wanting to interrupt the moment, you graced on over to the kitchen in silence and arranged everything as quiet as you can. The smile on your face growing bigger at the thought of how much of a good father Bucky could be; the sight of him with your nephew caused a thousand butterflies to dance around in your stomach freely.

“You’re back, doll?” Bucky’s quiet voice made you jump, head whipping to his direction where he stood with Hugo fast asleep in his arms.

You nod and walk towards him, offering to take him from his arms and Bucky disagreed, pulling away from your attempts. “Hugo’s with me, I’ll take him to bed and I’ll help you finish out here, alright?”

Chuckling softly, you agree and reach up to place a quick kiss on your nephew’s forehead, moving aside so Bucky can place him down inside your room.

You were folding up the plastic bags when you felt a pair of arms sneak up and circle your waist, capturing you in a back hug. Your back was flat against his chest, the warmth from his body making you relax in his arms. Turning around, you let your arms snake up around his neck, your hands playing with the ends of his hair, his physique visibly loosening up. “So your brother came here earlier and said you weren’t picking up your calls.”

“I forgot my phone, i know.” you told him, throwing your head back slightly to let out a soft groan of annoyance at yourself before looking back at him. You met his gaze and his eyes were filled with adoration and love with a spark of something you can’t seem to pinpoint. “What’s going through that head of yours, James?”

He hummed softly, pressing a quick kiss to your lips, “I was just thinking of how I want to have a family of my own with you.” he answered truthfully, not finding anything shameful in admitting his thoughts. “The afternoon I spent with Hugo made me realize I want that for us as well.” his words were soft and dripping with enthusiasm at the thought of being with you for the rest of your days.

This made your cheeks flush lightly, a happy smile resting on your lips as you were already in agreement of his words, “I’ve been thinking the exact same thing, Bucky. I can’t wait to have our own little minion running around the house.” you admitted, this time making Bucky smile even wider than yours, happy that you had the same thought.

“Also, not to brag but I think I’m his favourite now.” Bucky said out of nowhere, grabbing the small carton of chocolate milk from behind you and letting you go, opening the drink and chugging it down in one go.

You rolled your eyes at his words, playfully flipping him off as you sauntered into the pantry where you were arranging your stock of goods. “I highly doubt that, he loves me way more.”

“That’s what you think but Hugo made me read his favourite book to him so now I’m his favourite. He even said it himself.”

“Oh no he didn’t!”

---

TAGLIST: @lunalovecroft @anchoeritic @harrysweasleys @https-bvcky @luana @weasleytwins-41 @angelsgrxzer

for those whose usernames are in bold, it means i cannot tag you for some reason. join my taglist! it's linked in the masterlist <3

[the-bau-quinjet]

hiii! i don’t know if you have done this but can you do a hotch x reader where they get kidnapped by tobias instead of reid? xx

4 Months

Warning: Criminal Minds level violence, drugs, torture, rabid dogs

Word Count: 3562

a/n: I decided to switch up some of the specifics, just to make it a bit more fun to read. I hope you like it :) Also, we're pretending Rossi was there bc he is really the father of the group and it fit better than having Gideon 🤷‍♀️

Masterlist

"JJ, we have to split up." You barely looked back at her, missing the nervous expression on her face as you ran toward the cornfield. "I'll take the field, you take the barn."

You slowed to a brisk walk as you neared the cornfield, raising your gun in front of you. You couldn't help but think about how pissed Hotch would be if he knew what you were doing.

You shook off the thought, knowing he would do the same if the roles were reversed.

Spotting movement, you moved farther into the corn, trying to spot any signs indicating which way Tobias went. A bent corn husk was the last thing you saw before the world went black.

-

"He's not a witness. He's the unsub." Hotch's eyes went wide as he realized you and JJ were there without backup. "Call JJ, now." He instructed Morgan, taking out his own phone to call you.

Hotch's eyes met Morgan's as both calls went unanswered. No words were exchanged as everyone ran out to the SUVS, putting on bulletproof vests as they went.

Hotch was nervously tapping the steering wheel the entire drive to Hankel's house. He couldn't stop replaying your last conversation.

"Y/N, you and JJ go talk to Hankel. Find out if he saw anything." Despite his stern expression, you could tell his eyes were smiling at you.

"Sure thing." You nodded, mouthing 'I love you' before turning to JJ.

That's it. He didn't even have the chance to mouth it back. JJ would've seen, and even though the team has theories about your relationship, you haven't confirmed anything yet.

He pulled into the driveway, running up to the house, gun out before anyone could stop him.

Prentiss followed Hotch, Morgan and Reid took the left, Rossi and a local cop took the right.

They tore through the house, clearing it with fierce determination, but came up empty.

"It's clear." Rossi called, joining Hotch and Prentiss in the living room. "Where are Morgan and Reid?"

Hotch spared a glance out the window, discovering the barn likely being cleared by the missing agents.

Everyone ran out of the house, arriving outside the barn just as Morgan and Reid lead a distressed JJ outside.

"What happened?" Hotch questioned, glancing over JJ's shoulder into the barn. Clearly you weren't there, but he needed to hope.

"We split up. Y/N went into the cornfield... I had- I had to shoot them." Her voice was detached, eyes glazed over.

"The dogs." Morgan clarified, leading JJ to a paramedic.

"Dammit. The house is clear. No sign of Y/N or Hankel." Hotch ran a hand through his hair, trying to clear his mind. The worry was nearly overpowering, but it wouldn't help find you.

The sheriff approached, removing his hat. "A deputy two towns over gave directions to a man matching Hankel's description. He's headed for a hunting lodge."

Morgan nodded to Prentiss. "We'll check it out."

-

Your head was pounding. A vile scent reached your nose, causing your eyes to flicker open. You flinched at the closeness of the man in front of you.

"Tobias..." The name slipped out in a whisper.

"They're not here. It's just me now." He stated, calmer than you would've expected.

"Who are you?" You asked, trying to portray a fake sense of calm.

"I'm Rafael." He pulled out a revolver, adding a single bullet to the six chambers.

"No. You don't have to do this." Your heart ached, fear gripping your body as he aimed the gun at you.

"It is my duty to enact God's will." He said, right before pulling the trigger.

-

Hotch pulled back into the driveway, leading Garcia into the house.

"His computer setup is in there. If there's even a hint of where they might've gone, I need you to find it." Hotch gestured to the back room.

Penelope nodded. Carrying her own computer bags, she followed Derek into the depths of the house.

"What've we got?" Hotch questioned those remaining around the table.

"He knew he could throw us off, pretend to be looking for a hunting lodge." Emily spoke quickly.

"We've got piles of information, journals, notebooks. We're still sifting through it all." JJ added, shirt still bloody from yesterday.

Just then, Reid rushed in from another room. "The walls in the bedroom, they are covered in the latin phrase 'honora patrem tuum', honor thy father."

"Garcia, look for anything you can find about his father." Hotch gave out orders, but his focus was elsewhere. What was happening to you?

"Over here!" Morgan called from outside.

The team ran around the house to see Morgan opening a cellar door. Nodding slightly, Hotch and Morgan made there way inside.

"Tobias Hankel, FBI." Morgan shouted, receiving no answer.

They quickly found the dead body of none other than Hankel's father. Even the new information did little to calm the worry brewing inside of Hotch.

-

"Confess your sins." He ordered.

"My sins? I don't have any sins." You did your best to hold back the tears, trying to figure out who you were talking to.

"Everyone has sins. Confess, and you will be forgiven." He stared you down, waiting for a response.

You simply shook your head, mouth slightly agape. The smell was getting to you. You couldn't think straight with the pain in your head.

"I- I don't know what-"

"YES YOU DO. CONFESS." He hit you, whipping your head to the left.

-

"Hotch, he took drugs to escape. Dilaudid cut with a psychedelic." Emily relayed the information her and JJ got from Tobias's sponsor.

"We've got something too. The dates in his journals don't add up. He was talking about his father as if he was alive months after he killed him."

"His father beat him, preached about sin." Emily replied, putting the pieces together alongside Hotch.

"Split personality. Profile the father. He could be the key to finding Y/N." Even just saying your name he felt his heart clench.

-

"Who are you?" You questioned him as soon as he walked through the door, trying to figure out who you were dealing with this time.

"Tobias." He moved about the cabin almost nervously.

"Who was here before?" You knew Rafael, but the other personality was a mystery.

"My father." Definitely the most violent. He was who you had to look out for. "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

Tobias looked over you newly forming bruises before pulling off his belt.

"No. No what are you doing?" You felt your heart rate increase as he wrapped the belt around your arm. You could barely register the words he was saying, something about escaping from the pain.

"Please. I don't want it. I'm fine." You begged, tears brimming your eyes. He ignored your pleas, injecting the drug into your bloodstream.

Despite how much you hated it, you felt the relief he was talking about. The pain was gone, even if just briefly. You thought about your time spent with Hotch. It didn't feel like long enough. You wanted more. You had so much you wanted to do with him.

"Aaron..." You mumbled his name between kisses. "They could see us." You did little to stop him, despite your words.

"We should tell them." He whispered against your mouth, holding you close. "They would be happy for us."

You sighed blissfully, forehead pressed against his. "Really? You know they've got a pool going to see when we'd finally get together. Who do you think had money on 4 months ago?" You laughed into his neck, pulling him closer.

"My bet's on Rossi. He knows us both too well." Aaron smiled, a full genuine smile.

"You're probably right, but just to make it interesting, I'm betting Reid. He's too observant not to have noticed." You squinted at the window, knowing Reid was staring at the closed blinds on the other side.

That earned a laugh, one you could feel in his chest pressed tightly to your own.

"I love you." He kissed your head, content to hold you for a little while longer.

"I love you too." You leaned ever farther into him. "We can tell them when we get back from this next case."

"Deal."

-

"Get in here!" Reid called from the computer room, pointing to a screen where you were being broadcast. You were handcuffed and tied to a chair, clearly beaten.

"Pick one to die." The voice of Tobias could be heard, despite him not being visible on the screen.

You shook your head, staring into the camera. You wanted to plead for Hotch to save you, but you knew it wouldn't be fair. He didn't need that on his conscience.

"Choose one, and I will free another."

You shook your head again, trying to think of a clue you could give the team. "I won't let you hunt them like a poacher."

"Now. Or I will kill them all." He threatened, lifting you from the ground.

"I'll pick who lives." You stuttered, breaths coming fast and short. "The right screen."

You were forced to watch as he turned off the camera, leaving the screens to show the heinous murders he was about to commit.

Suddenly, Rossi was talking to you through the screen. The sight of him nearly brought you to tears.

"Y/N. This isn't your fault. None of it. You can't blame yourself. We will find you, but I need you to be there when we do."

You knew exactly what he meant. You were already blaming yourself, despite Rossi's father like relationship with you, it was hard to believe him.

It did give you the strength to remember the team though. You needed to see them, all of them, again.

-

"He's back!" Morgan called everyone in to view the screens again.

"Confess your sins." They watched as he beat you.

You cried. You begged him to stop. You begged Tobias for help, but nothing worked.

Hotch felt his heart break even more with every word.

Suddenly, you were on the ground, still tied to the chair. You were seizing, Charles Hankel watching as it happened.

The screen went dark, causing Hotch to punch the desk.

"Dammit." He shouted. He didn't care if his worry was beginning to poke through the surface. He needed to find you and he needed to do it now.

"The timestamp." Emily's voice drew him out of his head. "There's only a few minutes between the time of death and when it was posted. He's got to be close to the crime scene."

Finally. Something that felt like progress.

-

They watched the screen as you appeared again.

"Choose one to die." It was Rafael this time.

"I can't. I can't do it." Your face betrayed every emotion you were feeling inside.

"Pick one." He stated again.

"Me. Kill me." You nearly begged.

"You said you weren't one of them. Your team has 7 other members. Choose one of them to die."

You shook your head, fear gripping you once again as he pulled out the revolver.

"Choose." He connected the gone to your forehead, resting it there.

"No." He pulled the trigger, watching as you flinched.

"Choose." You shook your head, tensing as he pulled the trigger again.

Hotch felt his heart in his stomach, internally begging you to just say a name. He couldn't watch you die, not like this.

"Choose." He pulled the trigger yet again at your silence.

"I won't do it." You held firm, knowing you had limited chances.

"Choose one to die."

You opened your mouth, panting as an idea came to you.

"I choose... Aaron Hotchner." Your heart ached even saying it, but you needed to give him a clue. "He's a classic narcissist. Thinks he's better than everyone. He'd go to his grave knowing he was wrong." You winced internally, trying not to give away your plan.

Hotch left the room, trying to understand your words. The two of you had just argued about the definition of classic narcissism.

"I think you're wrong." You laughed at his amused expression.

"Yeah? Or do you just like making me exasperated?" He questioned your motives, pulling you closer as you laid in bed together.

"Maybe a little bit of both." You shrugged, leaning up to kiss him. "Promise me something?" You asked, a nervous expression on your face.

"What?" He looked at you with so much concern, you felt your heart beat a little faster.

"If... If I die, you can't blame yourself." He opened his mouth to protest, but you kept going. "I know you Aaron. You'd take it to grave thinking it was your fault. I can't let you do that. Not when I know you blame yourself for Haley's death." You felt your heart break for him and the pain he had been through. "Promise me." You were nearly begging.

"I promise." He whispered, his throat tight at the idea of losing you.

He was brought back to the present by the sound of Rossi's voice.

"Hotch, you know Y/N didn't mean any of that." Rossi tried gently, unsure of how Hotch was coping with your situation.

"I'm not a narcissist. What's my worst quality?" He looked at the apprehensive looks everyone was giving him. "I'll start, I have no sense of humor."

He nodded along as his team listed his faults.

"None of you said I ever put myself above the team, because I don't. Y/N and I just argued about the definition of classic narcissism." He paced, trying to put it together. "I'd take it to my grave... Grave was a hint."

"What? How do you know?" Reid shook his head, trying to understand the logic.

"I made a promise. It's a long story." He shook his head, trying to clear the memory so he could focus. "Y/N knew I would remember it."

"A cemetary. It's got to be a cemetary." Morgan added.

"No cemeteries on the map." Garcia was typing away on the computer.

"Like a poacher." Reid whispered, staring at the screen.

"Reid?" Hotch looked at him, eyes pleading for an answer.

"That's what Y/N said in the first video. 'I won't let you hunt them like a poacher.'" He said it louder, more excited than before.

"Garcia, any reports of poaching in the area?" Hotch asked, the idea of finding you causing hope to erupt in his chest.

"Yes, at Marshall Parrish... and there's a cemetery on the grounds." She gave them the address, watching as they ran out to the SUVs.

-

"I'm sorry." Tobias said it so softly, you were almost certain you didn't hear it at all.

"Wh- why?" Your eyebrows pulled together in confusion, trying to make sense of it.

"He'll win. In the end, he always does." He rose from the crouched position, slowly injecting you with more drugs.

"Hotch!" You screamed, feeling arms restraining you from behind.

You watched as he went into the hostage situation, unarmed and without a vest.

"Derek. Let me go!" You struggled in his grasp, straining to get free.

"There's nothing you can do, he's already inside." He stated the truth, although it did little to calm your nerves.

You settled down, throat tight with worry. You bit your lip, eyes flitting between the door and windows. You just needed a sign, anything to say he was alright.

The sound of a gun firing stunned you. You were frozen in place, fear consuming you. You had just told him you loved him for the first time this morning. What if you never get to say it again? What if that's all the time you got.

You stared in horror as everyone ran toward the house, only to freeze when a voice shouted everything was fine.

"It's fine." He huffed, carrying the small child out of the house toward a waiting EMT. "Baxter is dead."

"Aaron..." You whispered the name, realizing how powerless you felt when he was in danger. The two of you made eye contact across the yard, a reassuring look in his eye.

"Aaron..." You whispered, blinking rapidly as you slowly came to.

"What about Aaron." Charles. Tobias's dad was back.

"I couldn't stop him. I couldn't keep him safe." You muttered to yourself, not fully understanding the situation.

"Is that a confession?" He asked, voice hard.

"Yes." It was more of a breath of air than a word, but it was all he needed to condemn you.

He unlocked your handcuffs, forcing a shovel into your newly freed arms before dragging you outside.

"Dig." he instructed plainly, watching over you as stray tears wet the ground beneath you.

-

"Clear." Morgan called from one side of the shed.

"Clear" Hotch replied from the other. With the whole team in the small space, it wasn't exactly necessary but it was habit.

Hotch could feel his nerves picking up again as he realized this meant you were still with Tobias. He paced back and forth, feeling powerless.

"Spread out. They have to be on foot." He left without waiting for a response, turning left with JJ to look for you.

-

You did your best to stall, but Charles wasn't the most patient.

"Dig faster."

"I'm trying. I'm trying." You whimpered, movements speeding up ever so slightly. The massive knife in his hands causing your own to shake.

"You're weak. Move." He huffed, throwing his jacket to the ground before ripping the shovel from your hands.

A flash of light in the trees caught your eye. Flashlights. Your team. Aaron.

Your eyes flickered between the man in front of you and the trees, causing him to turn.

You took the split second he wasn't looking to grab the gun from his jacket, swiftly aiming it as he turned back to you knife raised.

"Only one bullet in that gun." He lunged for you, falling backwards after you pulled the trigger.

You dropped the gun, quickly tossing the knife away.

"Tobias?" You cried, moving back toward him.

"You killed me." He seemed surprised, but grateful at the same time.

You felt the tears pouring down your face as you apologized.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." You grabbed his hand, watching the light fade from his eyes as he asked one final question.

"You think I'll get to see my mom again?"

You barely registered the arms around you, pulling you to your feet. You couldn't take your eyes off of Tobias. He wasn't the one who hurt you. He helped you, or at least tried.

"I killed him." Your breathing picked up, vision blurring.

"Y/N, look at me." You turned to the voice, blinking rapidly to stop the tears.

"Aaron?" You took a stuttering breath, trying to make sure this was real.

"I'm here. It's okay. You're okay. You're safe now." His words were just as reassuring to himself as they were to you. You caught JJ's eye over Hotch's shoulder, quickly moving to hug her.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. I never should've-" You cut her off.

"None of this was your fault. It was my idea to split up. I'm so sorry." You cried into her shoulder, knowing how guilty she must've felt.

She hugged you back, tears brimming her own eyes at seeing you alive again.

She lead you to the EMT, not commenting on the look you threw over your shoulder at Aaron. He quickly followed you to the ambulance. JJ left you to talk to Hotch, who stayed beside you the entire time the medics looked you over.

"I didn't mean it." You said when you were finally alone, sitting between the open doors of the ambulance.

"What?" Aaron questioned, his mind not following your own train of thought.

"When... When I had to choose. I didn't mean any of it." You could feel the tears coming, but this time you did nothing to hold them back.

"I know. I knew the whole time." You brushed your tears away, looking you in the eye. "I love you so much." He whispered, his own eyes feeling watery.

"I love you too." You leaned into him, relishing in the feeling of his arm around you. You couldn't help but look over at the team, all of whom quickly pretended not to be watching. You huffed a laugh.

"Yeah, I think they're going to have some questions." Hotch smiled, glad to see you happy even if just for a second.

"After this case, right?" You looked back at him, confirming you still wanted to share your relationship with the team.

"Deal." He smiled, arm tightening around your shoulders to pull you closer.

-

You couldn't help but bring it up on the jet ride home.

"So, who had money on four months ago?" You questioned, tucked into Aaron's side on the couch.

"What?" Emily raised a brow at your sudden statement.

"That's when we started dating." You grinned at her shocked expression.

"Dammit Reid." Morgan huffed, handing over the money.

"Don't forget Rossi!" Reid high fived the older man, the two grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"Looks like we were both right." Hotch smiled into your hair, trying to hide his laugh.

"Yeah. We make a pretty good team." You smiled, leaning into his touch.

"I love you." He murmured, face still in your hair. You turned your face into his chest before responding.

"I love you too."

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner @jesuswasnotawhiteman @madewithsebstan

[flamingo-writes]

It's Better When The Sun Goes Down — Nanami x Reader

This is a piece for the Anilysium Server NSFW Collab! Make sure to check the masterlist to see other writer's works! This month's prompt was: "I can't hold back anymore"

I'd like to dedicate this fanfic to one of my dearest and closest friends. I'm not a Nanami simp myself, but they are. And I have fun writing for Nanami, and also I love writing angsty things and flawed characters. Reg, I hope you enjoy this as much as you enjoy my more casual writing.

(it's pink bcs youre Chancho)

Word Count: 5.4K

Warnings: Mentions of breakup and heartbreak, alcohol and drug consuption, public sex, ghosting, lots and lots of angst. This does not have a happy ending. This is also non proof read bcs I kinda left it to the last minute I'm sorry, I'll go back and edit it when I am not in a rush dcj nd

Summary: Nanami’s return to the Sorcerer life wasn’t so bad. It could be better if Gojo wasn’t determined to get him back with his ex. As Nanami tries to get on good terms with them, things get out of control, only to end up where it all began.

I made this playlist while writing, in case you wanna listen to it while reading. Preferably listen to it without the shuffle, but you can hear it on shuffle, no biggie.

Nanami had forgotten how painfully unbearable Gojo could be. His return as a Sorcerer had been nothing out of the ordinary for a Sorcerer's standards. Missions here and there, or watching over some of Gojo's students. But God, he had surely stepped out of the line this time.

He couldn't even begin to explain how much he hated his current situation. Fighting by your side for the first time in years felt like rubbing hot oil on an open wound. The uncomfortable ignoring the elephant in the room between you two, as you two tracked and fought what felt like a million Curses.

When the adrenaline was at its peak, it felt almost nostalgic; though he'd then remembered everything else and immediately made his own reality bitter and awkward. Overshadowed by the advantage of years of experience ahead of him made him resent you even more. He knew it was childish and pointless to keep remembering everything that happened between you two, but that bittersweet memory would most likely keep him at bay.

You were still strong, witty, fearless, reckless and quick to act and defend yourself. The way you moved looked more swiftly and coordinated than you did back in your student days. Almost as if you were a professional dancer. He hated every bit of it. He couldn’t stop looking at you, thinking about you, and the possibilities of what you two would have become.

After the mission was over, no words were exchanged between you two. Aside from the: "Are you alright?" He told you as you simply gave him a thumbs up as you caught your breath drenched in sweat. An entire ride in an uncomfortable silence, until he reached the school and you got out of the car.

"Thanks. You did a great job. Keep it up" You said. Cold, and straight to the point. Closing his car door before he could reply. And soon, you were gone.

As Nanami tried to get his mind off the mission, Gojo made it difficult. He called him to ask for the details of the mission. He seemed amused and intrigued, as clearly you hadn't told him shit. And honestly, he could understand why. Gojo was meddling on things that weren’t his business, and things that had died a long time ago.

"Why are you interrogating me, Gojo?" He asked as he pressed hisnfingers on the bridge of his nose. "Ask your underling…"

"Because that jerk left for the bar as soon as they arrived" He explained. "And I know better than to annoy a drunk [Name], It took me a while but...I finally learned my lesson" He chuckled. “I knew they could hit hard, but damn, I had a big ass bruise…” Nanami could almost hear his stupid grin.

"You make it sound like it's a recurrent event" Nanami pointed out, slightly surprised as he didn't know you were a drinker.

"Oh, Nanami-kun, you really know nothing huh?" Gojo said, smiling widely as he had managed to manipulate Nanami into asking.

"Know what?" Nanami hissed as he now swore he could hear Nanami creepily grinning at his phone.

"No, nothing!” Gojo said as if it were nothing; trying and succeeding at peeking at Nanami’s curiosity “I'm not gonna talk over depressing things on the phone. Gotta go, bye! Kith kith, Kento-kun" Gojo sang and hung up, as he smirked, proud of his little mischief. He sighed deeply as he stretched in his bed. "Soon, those two will be back together" he smirked to himself.

Nanami hissed a curse under his breath as he locked his phone and threw it on his bed and went to the kitchen. If he had understood well, Gojo had just hinted at a possible drinking problem. He tried shaking his mind off of it. You couldn't, could you? You weren’t a drinker...You weren’t the last time he saw you. You were able to party and have fun without having to intoxicate yourself.

You were wild, cheerful, unpredictable. Everything he was not. And that’s what had made him fall in love with you back in your school days. You were so laid back, he could feel it permeating into him when you two hung out. The few times he’d broken rules was because you’d been the bad influence, however, you somehow managed to get away with it, and leave him with some distant memory in which he felt actually glad to be alive. He usually felt like he was walking on a cloud stuck in time, being present and enjoying the little things that made his everyday memories.

He’d really screwed up after breaking up with you...if he could call that a breakup... His life took a dramatic turn. And then, he turned his back to this world, and got immersed in the gray life the average man in Japan had. Away from what he's familiar with, away from his friends, away from you.

And now, apparently, you had a drinking habit. He wondered if he had caused it, or if he was one of the reasons behind it. The guilt started creeping in. The same guilt and regret he felt after ghosting on you. Not being able to bring himself to properly end things with you.

The guilt he’d managed to swipe under the rug for so many years creeped back out, and followed him around as the afternoon went by. After having a shower, changing into more comfortable clothes and in a lame attempt to cook dinner, he decided to test his luck. He put on a dark button down shirt and decided to go to the bar closest to the School. He felt the naive hope to find you there. However, if you had an actual problem, then his chances to see you there were higher.

Such was his surprise to find you there, trying to get rid of some insistent guy who kept talking to you despite your very obvious lack of interest. Before you could spot him, he watched you aggressively turn to the guy and talk to him in a rather rude tone. Sounding almost like a moody sailor as the guy’s face soon was washed with horror and disgust and walked away. As you turned your face back to your drink, your eyes scanned the bar, finally spotting him.

“Oh god” You whined as you pulled the glass to your lips. “It’s too early to be this drunk…” You hissed.

“Mind if I sit here?” He asked, pointing at the chair in front of you.

“Tell Gojo to go fuck himself…” You snapped at him as you stood up and stumbled your way to the bar asking for a refill. Nanami looked at you, feeling slightly sorry for your tipsy state, as he’d never seen you like that. And he knew being mad and drunk was never a good combination. As you turned around with your glass and made your way back to your table, you gave him a slightly repulsed smile. “You’re still here…”

“Gojo didn’t send me here, if that’s what you’re thinking” He replied.

“He might as well have manipulated you into doing so, has that crossed your mind?” You said with a sassy tone as you sat back down. “Why are you still standin’?”

Nanami took that as an invitation as he ignored your last comment, trying to refuse the idea that Gojo had manipulated him.

“Rough day, huh?” He said as you nodded and stared at your drink.

“Look, Kento. I’m glad that you’re back. I really am. You’re strong, and you’re smart…” You began. “But I’m gonna cut the chase, I’m kinda annoyed too. Ever since you got back, Gojo has been sticking his snobby nose into my business” You explained. “Many of the missions he sends you in, I’m supposed to be there as well, but manage to get busy by then and not go”

“So you’re actively avoiding me?”

“Yes” You replied bluntly. “Mostly because Gojo is trying very hard to bring us back together. But no, I learned my lesson the first time” You said taking a sip to your scotch, feeling it smoothly sliding down your throat, no longer feeling the burn from the alcohol.

“I haven’t apologized for that…” Nanami began.

“Don’t” You interrupted him. “It’s better this way”

“Are you sure? Because you still seem to have an issue with it…” Nanami said, managing to read you like an open book like he always did. He still had that ability.

You glared at him, angrily as you opened your mouth to snap back at him, but your mind was foggy and a big portion of your brain was focused on the little details surrounding him. His black shirt, the first buttons undone. His thick wrists, one of them hiding underneath a fancy looking watch, his blond hair pushed back, his sharp features...And god, his smell. The smell of his cologne luring you in like a fly to honey. Since any words made it to your mouth, your next step was to take another sip.

“You’re drinking too fast” He pointed out.

“None of your business” You said standing up and taking your wallet out and leaving a few bills on the tale. “I’m out” You said coldly and walked out of the bar.

Nanami sighed, frustrated that he hadn’t managed to get anything out of interaction. Aside from the pretty clear fact that you disliked him. However, he didn’t think of the possibility of you resenting him so much because you still had feelings for him.

As you walked out of the bar, the chilly wind hit the back of your neck, making you shiver. You cursed, knowing it was going to make you feel drunker faster. You made your way to the school with long steps, trying to make it to your dorm before your last drink made it to your head. Despite the cold wind, the hot tears in your eyes in a way kept your face warm. As you tried to keep yourself from crying, you heard steps behind you.

“Wait” You heard Nanami’s voice calling behind you as you stopped on command, against your own will. You swallowed the lump on your throat and managed to keep the tears still in your eyes, as you refused to look at

him. “At least let me walk you home. You can’t walk on your own like this…”

“Oh, so now you care?” You said turning around and looking at him, giving him a smug smile. “You’ve changed” You scoffed bitterly.

“Please” He said, knowing better than trying to argue with you.

Your stare on him softened, as something within you urged you to say yes. To have more time with Nanami and maybe cling to the bittersweet memories you were constantly reliving since his return.

“Fine” You said, very much to his surprise. He smiled and walked closer to you with the gentle smile that had been haunting your dreams as of lately.

“C’mon. My car is not far from here…”

You stopped coldly as he mentioned a car. Taking a second look at him, you wondered how much he’d changed. He’d become an adult through and through, hadn’t he? While you were still a mess...Or so you thought. To Nanami’s eyes, you were a far better sorcerer and warrior than him. And he envied you for it.

“Are you actually going to take me to the school?” You asked, suddenly growing suspicious of him, as you’d had plenty of experiences with strangers on the street and knew better than going into someone’s car in a drunken state.

Not that you didn’t trust Nanami. You didn’t trust yourself drunk.

“I was actually thinking of taking you somewhere for dinner and then to the school” He said.

“Not hungry”

“No, but you’re drunk. It’ll sober you up, and tomorrow morning you’ll thank me when you wake up without a hangover” He said as he walked towards his car.

“I don’t have any more money on me” You lied, looking for an excuse to avoid spending any more than necessary with him.

“I didn’t ask you if you have money” He said boldly as he managed to make you smirk for the first time since his return.

“Smooth, Nanami. You’ve grown” You said as you followed him.

The walk to his car felt like your chest burnt far more than the alcohol ever did. It felt bitter, it hurt and was nauseating. Was it really it, or was it the alcohol finally catching up with you? Like flashes of instant memories being erased from your memory, the drive to a restaurant felt like a poorly edited foreign film. The car felt like some intense themed park ride as you felt dizzy with the alcohol whispering everything you missed about him. It was gross and it was sickening.

The Ramen sign on the outside on itself managed to sober you up a little by taking your mind off Nanami. As you followed him, clumsily standing on your feet, you sat on one of the tables and tried to make sense of the dancing letters in the menu. More flashes of memories were taken off your head, as you wondered what was happening and how drunk were you for you to start blacking out.

“Not good…” you muttered under your breath.

“Did you say something?” Nanami asked.

“No. Nothing”

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m not”

“You’ll feel better in a bit. Don’t worry…” He said softly as he sipped from a soda you didn’t know he had. When had he ordered it? You looked in front of you to the nice surprise that you had one too despite not knowing how or when. “I ordered some ramen for you. Something spicy...It’ll sober you up faster”

You chuckled as you looked at him.

“And how do you know that?” You asked with a cheeky tone as he smiled softly.

“Went drinking a lot with friends from work” He said. “I learned a few things here and there”

More brief black outs kept lazily painting a rather miserable painting in your memory. As you ate your ramen, you found yourself relaxing more and more. Was it the hot spicy broth? In the beginning, the balck outs weren’t getting any less frequent, however, as the night went by, you found yourself sobering up like he said. Soon, the black outs were gone, however you were still somehow locked in a haze. Although it made sense. The amount of booze as well as the short time, it was going to take a lot more than just one hot bowl of spicy ramen to get you back to a sober state.

The conversation kept flowing comfortably as both of you ate. It was reminiscent of the old days, nostalgic and somehow morbid. As the both of you tried to grasp at the old days when your worries were limited to school work. Catching up like old friends who hadn't seen each other, as if you didn’t have hard feelings for each other.

After having finished your food, Nanami paid for both of your meals and went back out into the cold night. The sky black, stars hidden by the streetlights as you made it to his car and finally noticed the silver color in it.

As he drove back to the school, you noticed he took a small detour, instantly setting alarms in your head.

“Where are we going?” You asked, your voice considerably serious as he noticed the change in tone from the pleasant talk they were having in the restaurant.

“There’s somewhere I’d like to go…” He said as he briefly looked at you and gave you a tender smile.

That smile made your heart uncomfortably skip a beat as you hated the effect he still had on you. You didn’t dare to ask any further as you slowly recognized the route he was taking. As he slowly took one of the roads towards the edge of the city close to the coast line. He stopped in a rather deserted place, as he got off the road and stopped the car.

Despite the lack of light, aside from the few streetlights, you knew exactly where you were. A whole in your chest opened dramatically as you felt your eyes tear up and happy memories attached to the location flooded your mind.

“Kento…” You said chuckling bitterly.

“When I said I wanted to apologize, I meant it…” He said as you clenched your jaw and looked out your window, avoiding his stare.

“And I told you I didn’t want to talk about it…”

“You’re still upset about it, I get it. And I don’t blame you” He began as he felt his heart beating hard in his chest. “Look at me, please”

You wanted to say something to him. But you knew you would break down crying as soon as you opened your mouth. You took a deep breath and without saying anything you looked at him. His dark brown eyes gazing into yours, as he was looking at you with a rather pained stare.

“You remember this place, don’t you?” He asked.

A bitter laugh escaped your lips as you clicked your seatbelt, getting it off.

“I’m done” You said dryly as you opened the door and got out of the car.

“No, [Name]. Please, wait” He said as he mirrored your movements and excited the car walking around it.

“Of fuckign course I know where I am, Kento” You barked as you walked away approaching the door. “I know where I lost my fucking virginity, okay?” You barked as you stopped coldly and looked at him, tears finally streaming off your face. “Look, I’ll make us a favour and summarize this conversation. Yes, you’re a fucking asshole for just taking off one day and completely disappearing. Yes, I’m still mad about it. No, I won’t take your apology. No, I don’t care about whatever shitty excuse you have for me to listen to you. You bringing me here out of all places isn’t going to change shit…” You spat all in one breath as you stopped and took a deep breath.

“I loved you, Kento. I really did. And it hurt to have you just dissipate like you were a hallucination or something...You were my first kiss, my first love, my first everything! And one day I lost all of that. You ruined sex for me!” You yelled angrily. “I could never hold, kiss or sleep with anyone, because at some point I’d see your stupid face, and then be incredibly underwhelmed because I would not enjoy sex. I can’t feel anything anymore, Kento...The only way I can actually enjoy those things is by getting drunk or high” You admitted. “I can’t walk into bookstores, nor eat sandwiches or diet coke, nor drink tea because all those things remind me of you. And yes, it’s lame that all these years later I still care about those things. And this is why I can’t forgive you” You cried, as your voice shook.

Nanami’s heart broke little by little at each one of your words. He knew he’d screwed up and had hurt you deeply. But he wasn’t aware of the actual impact. He clenched his jaw as he felt his chest tight and a lump on his throat. Now the drinking problem made sense. Gojo had painted it like you were an alcoholic, but it wasn’t exactly the case. So you’d gone to the bar to get it off with some stranger, probably pretending it was him.

The dizzying pain and weight of his mistakes blinded him for a second as he walked towards you as you kept bitterly complaining. As you tried to walk away, you made a very poor effort as he caught up with you and cupped your face in his hands, bringing you closer to him and shutting you up by pressing his lips against you.

The sudden surprise made your heart stop. Your mind turning numb and blank at once as you struggled to bring yourself to push him away. However, truth be told, you didn't want to push him away. The poor attempt to push him away was more than obvious. The strong fighter you were, barely making any physical effort. Nanami's hands wrapped around your back and pulled you close, squeezing you against him as he sighed into the kiss.

Finally kissing him back, you locked your lips against his desperately, eager to taste the lips you've been dreading in your dreams. Clinging to him like he was going to disappear again, a soft whimper escaped your mouth. Your chest pressing against him as he felt his own world getting blurry.

He broke the kiss pulling away as he pressed his forehead against yours.

“You have no idea how much I missed you” He whispered as you clung to him.

“I-I…” You stuttered, the words tasting bitter before they even made it to your mouth. “Fuck, I want you, Kento” You growled as he pulled you in, kissing you hungrily again.

His hands posessively clinging to you as he slowly guided you back to the car. One step at the time as you both melted in a hungry sour kiss. As you ran out of breath, you pulled away, gasping for air as you gripped his collar in your hands.

“I can’t hold back anymore” You said as you pulled away and grabbed his hand, walking back to his car.

Your words unleashed a shiver down his spine as his heart skipped a beat and raced like crazy, as his pants started feeling tighter on his crotch. He chuckled softly as he realized his own judgement seemed to have disappeared with that first kiss. And before you could even make it to his car, he gripped your hips and spun you around as he bumped his forehead against yours.

“I can’t either” He admitted as he guided you to the car’s hood and pulled you over it. Ass you sat on the warm hood, he got between your legs and you wasted no time wrapping them around his waist. He grunted softly feeling your crotch against his as you pulled him closer to seal your lips together.

As you soon were absorbed by the dizziness of your rising heat, his hand went to your bare thighs as he slowly caressed your skin, going up and lifting your skirt up in the process. A soft moan slid into his mouth as he gripped your ass softly and squeezed it. The way your skin got covered in goosebumps and how you jerked your hips made him moan in response.

It felt good, and intoxicating. The driving desire burning his insides. The feeling of desiring to taste you all over and have you shaking underneath him. God, he’d missed that particular rush of adrenaline. His body reacting to the deeply buried memories now loose. He felt like he was in the best high he’d experienced. Lightheadedness and presence in the moment, he hadn’t felt this alive in so long.

Your hands were slowly undoing his buttoned shirt and were quick to explore his warm skin. He pulled away from the kiss, gasping as he looked at you. Your devilish smile matching your hungry stare. You leaned forward kissing his neck, nibbling on his skin every now and then. His hand gripped your hair tightly, pulling it lightly, making you look up at him as he stared at you.

He leaned forward, kissing you once more, this time a lot more slow and a lot more tender. It was sweet and it was slow and it took you by surprise. You felt his sweet kiss begging you, still holding on to the feelings you both decided to drown unsuccessfully. It almost hurt. It was the kind of kiss that told you how much you missed and needed each other. How much you regretted the mistakes you’ve done.

As you melted against his lips, his hands slowly slid your panties off. You helped him lifting your hips a little but as you giggled against his lips.

“Eager?” You said with a playful smirk.

“You have no idea” He replied as he took off your panties and shoved them in his back pocket.

His hand made it back to your thigh, slowly going up until he palmed your hot sex. Stealing a gasp out of your mouth, he teasingly ran one of his fingers through your dripping slit, making him smile satisfied.

“I’m not the only one, huh?” He said as you looked at him with lustful eyes.

You took his glasses off and set them aside. You were about to go back to kissing his neck when he slid one finger inside of you effortlessly. A rather loud moan escaped your lips as you shut your eyes closed feeling your entire body tingle in a way you hadn’t felt in years. You smiled satisfied as you continued kissing his neck. Slowly, he got another finger inside. The delicious stretch of his second finger prompting you to bite his neck softly making him growl your name softly. His fingers explored the whole he knew so well, as he found your sweet spot almost by muscle memory. More moans came out of your throat sounding like music to his ears.

“Fuck, Kento” You hissed as you took off your top, not caring that you were outdoors and by the road. Up to this point, you were so pent up, you simply craved him like you’d never craved anything before.

Nanami wasted no time and kissed your neck, going down to your neck, gently biting your skin every now and then. Sucking delicately on your skin, leaving marks that wouldn’t last long. He pulle dhis fingers out of you, clinging to your body desperately. As you laid on the car’s hood, you devoured him with your lustful eyes, begging him to get on top of you. Wearing just your skirt by this point, Nanami groaned at the plain sight of you.

He undid his belt and his pants. Your hands playfully teasing your own body in an attempt to drive him crazier and crazier. He cursed under his breath as he couldn’t take it any longer. He pulled his painfully hard erection out of his pants. You watched hi, intrigued, stretching your hands towards him, gently gripping his dick. His breath hitched and you smiled proudly.

Nanami leaned over the car hood, slowly getting on top of you, his shaft resting on your belly as he looked at how much deep could he go inside of you. His tip almost reaching you belly button, as the idea alone made a shiver run down his spine.

"Please, Kento" you gasped, need dripping from your voice as you caressed his dick

He growled softly as he pulled away softly, aligning against your entrance and slowly going in. You gasped, pushing your head back and pressing your hips against his making him go deeper.

Hissing your name, he jerked his hips, his tip.kissing your cervix as sudden rush of pain jolted through your body, followed by pleasure. You dug your nails in his shoulders as he thrusted back and forth, hitting all the right spots. The sound of his gasps and grunts hypnotizing as you got wetter by the second. His length coated in your juices, echoing in lewd wet noises.

He was rough. He usually was. Back in student days, he was particularly rough. As quiet and collected as he seemed, he sure got his stress out if his body through wild sex.

Relentlessly pushing against you, stretching you in such a delicious way only he knew how. Strong and aggressive movements as your walls swallowed him whole every time, breathless moans escaping your lips with every push. The cool wind kissing your skin, only enhancing his warmth.

As you felt your orgasm progressively approaching, the realization of how addicted you were to him hit you. He was everything you desired. And it was wrong. Before the feeling of uneasiness started to sink in, a sudden electric rush ran through your body. Painfully and soothing, as you tightly clenched around himbsoon numbed your mind.

As you came around him, your walls sucked him in tightly, as he was right over the brink, your velvet flesh pushed him off the edge. He didn't have time to pull out. And honestly, he didn't want to pull out. The way your walls milked him felt delicious. As he rode you through your orgasm, filling you up as his head felt dizzy and the world was spinning faster than usual. His hot seed coating your insides, as you shut your eyes closed, feeling the very last of your orgasm fading away.

He pressed his forehead against yours. Loud pants echoing.

However, the world didn't quite return to its regular focus.

The rest of the night went by in a fuzzy hot mess of events. You returned to his apartment and kept feasting on each other, making up for the lost time. Both of you incredibly starved and needy, you desperately went at it over and over again. It was a rather long night. As you feared, no one made you feel as he did. All of him was addicting. His smell, his voice, his warmth, his skin...It didn’t matter how many strangers you fucked, or how drunk or high you were, he felt just right. He made you cum so easily, it seemed ridiculous everyone else couldn’t.

But you knew it was far more than that.

You were still deeply in love with him. No wonder why he had that effect on you. Just hearing his breathlessly gasp was enough to have you soaking wet and under his mercy. Between sweet kisses, fake promises and sweaty sex, he quite literally fucked you to oblivion. Until either of you could take it any longer and you two fell asleep in each other’s arms. It had been a long tiring night, as you knew many of your muscles were gonna be sore the next day. Your chest painted in red and blue bruises.

It was possibly one of the best night sleeps he’d had. In such a long time. The uncomfortable hole in his chest didn’t feel so wide now. Just like you, he didn’t know how much he actually needed you until now. His regrets, his guilt, the thoughts haunting him on how much of a jerk he’d been when he simply took off...All those feelings went away for a night. As he tasted the wonders of the universe under your skin. Feeling ecstatic and euphoric for the first time in years. However, nothing could’ve prepared Nanami for what he was about to experience when he woke up.

~

“What the hell is this?” Gojo asked as he waved around the folder you’d left a few hours earlier in the Headmaster’s office.

“Why the fuck do you care?” You said as you grabbed it, ripping it off his hands.

“You’re seriously leaving for Kyoto?” He whined.

“So my transfer was accepted? Great!” You said sarcastically as you opened the folder and saw the Headmaster’s seal at the bottom.

“What about Nanami-kun?” Gojo replied as the very last string of your patience snapped.

“Oh, fuck you, Gojo! You tried to force us back together, but it’s not going to happen” You snapped. “I’m done. I’m done with him, and I’m done with you sticking your nose in my business”

“Do you really think that running away will solve anything? You’ll still be depressed as hell”

“The less I know about him, the better” You said as you turned around, hot tears blurring your sight as you headed with long steps towards your room. “I don’t trust myself around him…” You whispered. “He’s my weakness Gojo, I can’t let that happen…” You said coldly.

You’d left that morning very early, before Nanami woke up. And you left leaving no trace of you ever being there. Unintentionally doing the same he did. It was unintentional because you hadn’t done it out of spite. Your thought process had been simply. You preferred to not have that conversation and simply leave without him noticing. You had had the exact same thought process Nanami had had all those years ago.

You didn’t waste time and soon started packing your things to leave for Kyoto right away.

[darkandstormyart]

Xicheng fic recs

(figured i might make a list of my own)

(to be expanded as i dig out more treasure/remember stuff)

in no particular order:

Deep as the Yearning Night by FreckledStarKnight

“At first, it was pure chance. The second time was accidental. And the third time? Well, they say the third time’s the charm, after all. Lan Xichen discovers that Jiang Wanyin sings beautifully and is immediately enamored by it. His pursuit of Jiang Wanyin’s secret talent leads to a discovery and a series of events that he did not anticipate at all. Not that he’s complaining, of course. He got what he came for and more. Or, how two sect leaders get together through the song called love. CQL-verse.“

post-seclusion lxc

trying to get jc to sing

bonus lxc & jin ling feels i hadn’t considered before

cute

Always use protection by hesselives

“In which Lan Wangji attempts to hire a new bodyguard for his older brother, a well-known traveling exorcist. Jiang Wanyin doesn’t even make his carefully considered list of Top Ten Candidates, and yet here he is.

Lots of wandering in the countryside, distant yelling, and mildly inconvenient spirits.”

bodyguard au

honestly just really intersting worldbuilding

Rewrite the stars by Arashii

“Five great kingdoms have been fighting for years and when the kingdom of Yunmeng is destroyed, the Crown Prince Jiang Cheng vanishes.In Gusu, Lan Xichen makes an offer impossible for Jiang Cheng to refuse. His life or revenge? There’s only one option and Jiang Cheng swears loyalty to the man he hated the most his whole life, the Crown Prince of Gusu, Lan Xichen himself.Written for XiChengFest2020 - Day 4“

ROYALTY AU ROYALTY AU

enemies to lovers!

flashbacks! i love flashbacks so much ohmygod

No paths are bound by Arashii

“In seclusion, Lan Huan has the support of a ghost no one has seen since the massacre of Yunmeng Jiang. His feelings start changing with the often visits and conversations they share. Before Lan Huan can confess though, he ascends, leaving everything and everyone behind him.

Two hundred years later, back to the Human Realm and without powers, the Martial God Zewu-Jun has a mission to uphold. His Heavenly Calamity started. The clues are little and the support comes in the most unexpected form, the current Ghost King: Sandu Shengshou. Now they need to stick together to contain a menace that is slowly growing.“

TGCF AU TGCF AU

ghost king jiang cheng come on

doesn’t follow tgcf plot, just the setup so no spoilers

jiang cheng gets the dogs and the xichen he deserves

once upon a dream by cafedeolla

“Xicheng soulmate AU

An au where your dreams are small snippets of your soulmate’s day. They’d show small things like buying coffee, reading a book, or hanging out with people from their perspective.

The problem was that people always have expectations and Jiang Cheng knows he always falls short of them. Time and time again.“

soulmate au, but being soulmates is more a problem than a solution

misunderstandingssss all over the place

now with a squel (in progress?)

Lan Furen series by jagaimocchi

“Jiang Cheng leaves Lotus Pier before the Wen Internment Camp and before the destruction of his home. When he meets Lan Xichen on the run from the Wens after the burning of Cloud Recesses, his plan to live a peaceful life away from cultivation sects is quickly derailed. Now, free to make his own choices, he cannot find it in himself to leave the other man's side.

With love, patience and time, Jiang Cheng finds his own happiness and peace with his past.“

have you ever wanted a fic where jiang cheng peaces out from home in search for a better life, bc he’s Had Enough??? jags got you covered

adorable xicheng

good uncle-dad-figure Lan Qiren

ongoing <3

Just around the riverbend by JungleJelly

“One day.

Jiang Cheng just wanted one day of peace and quiet, away from home, away from his responsibilities, away from his idiot brother and his nutcases of a mother and father. Just a few hours alone — him and a boat and nothing else.

Clearly, that was too much to ask for.”

now with a new story in the series which is adorable too!!!

mermaid!lxc need i say more?

Bad ideas (where they lead) by JungleJelly

“Jiang Cheng is a busy man. Fortunately, he is also a huge pushover when it comes to his sister, so when she recommends that he start doing yoga, he agrees pretty easily.Featuring Lan Xichen in yoga pants, Jiang Cheng’s inability to handle a crush, and, perhaps most importantly, a big fluffy dog.“

done for 2020 MXTX MiniBang

yoga instructor Lan Xichen

Jiang Cheng is: struggling with a crush on the yoga guy from youtube & very angry about that

If there’s a price for rotten judgement by TheWanderingHeart

“All Jiang Cheng wants to do is, well... his job, really. Other than that? Keep the city safe, keep his nephew alive, keep his sanity intact (if possible).

So when his brother calls with unexpected news, he knows all of that is about to fly out of the window.

***

[Every instinct is telling him don’t ask, you don’t want to know. By this point, Nie HuaiSang has scooted closer to listen. Jiang Cheng takes a steadying breath and pulls out his antacids. “What did you do?”]”

superhero au, come on

jc just trying to do his job in peace

(he can’t)

i love it so much oh my god *sobs*

The Form of Boneless Ice by TheWanderingHeart

“Mythical beasts have long ago been driven to extinction by the gentry — hunted for sport, but more importantly for their magical cores. Since then, there remains only one creature that has never been caught. The Jiang’s retreated a long time ago. Abandoning land altogether, they sought safety where the humans could not reach.It all comes to a head though, purely by chance. (Or is it by fate that a spontaneous decision allows for them to meet? If fate were a rock!) Jiang Cheng suddenly finds his whole life balanced on the head of a pin — on the flimsy promise of a human boy. In his opinion, things cannot possibly get worse!(But then they do when the Wens decide it’s finally time to search for the elusive merpeople, and suddenly nowhere is safe.)“

there she goes again, with another beautiful xicheng story full of awwww and mythology

actually one of the first xicheng fics i read

i chose it because there were mermaids

painfully accurate takes on Jiang family dynamics

kids! lots of kids!

Let me Slytherin to Your Heart by TheWanderingHeart

“Jiang Cheng never thought he'd return to Hogwarts, but in hindsight, he probably should have known that someday he would.With his nephew about to start school, he reluctantly takes his good friend's bad parenting? career? advice and ends up tumbling head-first back into the madness that he hoped he'd left behind... and rediscovering some feelings he thought he'd left behind too.“

Harry Potter au!

just really fecking cute

lots of snakes

[I am not going to link all of Jo’s fics, though I probably could, just my 3 favourites. UOSB is there by default]

Talent Hunt Crew Finds Angry Guy Shouting On College Campus, Recruits Him For Vocal Projection Abilities by oh_fudgecakes

“Jiang Cheng, resident Angry Guy and heir to a conglomerate empire, has never been the apple of his father’s eye. Quashed under the shadow of his brilliant brother, the music prodigy Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng sees his chance to turn things around when he is recruited by the All-Stars Lan Talent Hunt. One problem: he can’t sing to save his goddamn life.As he struggles to develop his nascent singing abilities, Jiang Cheng finds himself sucked into the whirlwind drama of reality TV, helped along by his adoring siblings, his irritable vocal coach Wen Qing, and strangely enough, the unfairly attractive host of the All-Stars Lan Talent Hunt, Lan Xichen. Somewhere in the glare of the stage lights and an unexpected first love, Jiang Cheng stumbles upon the thing he was searching for all along: the courage to dream — and to attempt the impossible.“

done for 2019 MXTX Big Bang

uuuuuuuuuuh i might have cried maybe

heartwarming? painful at times? lots of family love?

slowburn xicheng being lovely

The Provenence of Hope series by velithya

“A chance meeting on a night hunt sets a course of events into motion that will change everything. Featuring Xicheng getting together, recovery for Lan Xichen, healing for Jiang Cheng, and always, always, hope.“

got everything. feels. hope. love. ~~healing~~

A Small Measure of Peace by Sandstone112

“With his brother in seclusion, Lan Xichen finds himself in temporary custody of his nephew with little to no expertise in the child-raising department. Uncertain and alone, Zewu-Jun is willing to do everything to be the person Yuan needs—even if it means inviting Sandu Shengshou to a playdate.“

a loooot of adorable family times with jc and lxc taking care of their nephews

good grandpa lqr!

canon but fixed and less painful

🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋if you wish to avoid scurvy:🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋

Some day I’m gonna make you mine series by locketofyourhair

xicheng getting together through the years

friends with benefits but the real benefits are the friends we made along the way

Take me over (take me tonight) by velithya

jiang cheng has a tattoo and lan xichen doesn’t stand a chance

i'd be the sweet feeling of release (mankind now dreams of) by piyo13

two bros, chilling in a cave, no feet apart because they don’t want to lose their cultivation powers what are you gonna do

haven’t read yet and shame on me, but AM GONNA:

Upon Our Silver Bridge by TheWanderingHeart obviously

““When the path ignites a soul, there's no remaining in place. The foot touches ground, but not for long.” ― Hakim Sanai

**

Lan Xichen's sorrows have caught the attention of something. Unlike the adventures and foes they have faced before, there is no obvious enemy here to defeat. If this is the same thing they thought had taken Nie Mingjue's life, then he believes it is fated for him to die as well. Nothing can stop the black fire when it wants to burn.Jiang Cheng is sure his part in this is over. Wei Wuxian is back, his grand adventure concluded, and he'd never been at the centre of it anyway. So what does it matter what happens to him in the end? Slowly, he will come to realise that there will always be a battle to fight, a story to tell, a choice to make, and there is no such thing as an end to anything.“

it was difficult to do things in 2020 and few i regret not doing more than not reading uosb yet :’(

i will tho

Emergency Help Wanted by piyo13

“EMERGENCY HELP WANTED I lied when I got my job. I told them I had a kid so I could leave early from work to pick him up from daycare, take him to doctor's appointments, and occasionally miss a day when he's sick. Long story short, I'm in too deep. I didn't think it through. Looking to rent a kid for bring your child to work day. Must be a boy ages four to six, longish dark hair, likes soccer. Must also be artistic as the macaroni noodle paintings I made seem a little advanced for his age. Also, I will pay extra for someone willing to play the role of husband when dropping him off. He's a prosecuting attorney who often brings his work home. Message me for further details. Serious inquiries only.“

Running Our Hands Through Embers by MarvelousMar

“If asked, Jiang Cheng would compare falling in love with Lan Xichen to a moth inevitably drawn to a flame.It burned.***In which Jiang Cheng discovers that even death can't help him escape from his trauma, so he embarks on a quest to save the people he loves, fix what he can, make the love of his life fall for him, and maybe, somewhere along the way, do a little bit of healing.”

The Beginner’s Guide to Moving On by InvincibleMel

gone from ao3, but i think there’s a link with a pdf going around