#second. it's better imo to leave it more open for people to try and apply it broadly

[jacksprostate]

Treatise on why No, the doctor just giving the narrator of Fight Club (full name) his requested sleep medication or sending him to therapy would not have Fixed Him

Firstly, saying giving him the insomnia meds would’ve fixed him ignores the reason he has insomnia in the first place. He is so deeply upset by his place in society that he literally cannot sleep. Drugging him to sleep would not change that. That, of course, is the easy, quick response.

But with regard to therapy? The biggest flaw is that it ignores a central tenet of the book. Part of what tortures the narrator and drives him to invent Tyler is that his feelings about this collective, systemic issue are constantly reduced to a Just Him thing. His seatmates ask what his company is. He’s the only one upset at the office. He gets weird looks if he says the truth of what he does. People will do anything in their power to pretend he is the issue, as an individual, because it is far scarier to consider the full implications of the systemic issues implied by what he is saying. Everyone treats it as if the issue is him, so he goes insane. He does anything to get someone to say, holy shit, that’s fucked up, what you’re a part of is wrong. In an attempt to feel any sort of vague sympathy and catharsis, he goes to support groups to pretend to be dying, because then at least people don’t habitually blame him for his anguish. 

Saying therapy would fix him ignores that his problems are not individual. They are collective. It’s the reason the entire story resonates with people! Something deeply, unignorably wrong with society, where people would rather blame you for bringing it up than try and address it, because it feels impossible. I don’t blame people for this, really, because it IS scary. It’s terrifying to sit and feel like you’ve realized there’s something deeply, deeply wrong, but if you say something, people will get mad at you since it’s so baked into everything around you. Or, even if they agree, it’s easier to deal with the dissonance by pretending it’s individual.

And it’s not like that’s not the purpose therapy and medications largely serve, anyway. Getting into dangerous territory for this website, but ultimately, the reason the narrator was seeking medication was because it’s a bandaid. A very numbing bandaid. For these very large, dissonance causing problems, therapy does very little. Medications do what they always have, and distract you with numbness or side effects. It’s a false solution. He is seeking an individualized false solution because he has been browbeaten with the idea that this is an issue with him alone, when it's plainly clear it's not. 

Don't get me wrong. Obviously he has something wrong with him. But it's a product of his situation. It is a fictional exaggeration of a very real occurrence of mental illness provoked by deep unconscionable dissonance and anguish.  There is a clear correlation between what happens and his mental state and his job and how isolated he is. 

The thing is, even if he were chemically numbed, I do think he would’ve lost it regardless. Many people on meds find they don’t fix things. For reasons I’ll get into, but in this case because even if numbed or distracted, once you’ve learned about deep, far reaching corruption in society, it’s very hard to forget. Especially if, in his case, you literally serve as the acting hand of this particular variety. He’s crawling up the walls. 

So why do people say this?  Well, it's funny I guess. Maybe the first time or whatever. But also, often, they believe it, to a degree. Maybe they've just been told how effective therapy and meds are for mental illness, they believe wholeheartedly in The Disease Model of Mental Illness, maybe they themselves have engaged with either and have considered it successful. Maybe they or someone they know has been 'saved' by such treatments. 

But in all honesty.... What therapy can help with is mentality, it's how you approach problems. For issues on a smaller scale, not meaning they are easier to deal with my any degree, but ones that are not raw and direct from deep awareness of corruption; these are things that can be worked through if you get lucky and get an actually good therapist who helps build up your resiliency. But when your issue is concrete, something large and inescapable? It's useless. At best it can help you develop coping mechanisms, but there is a limit for that. There is a point where that fails. To develop the ability to handle something like this requires intense development of a comfort with ambiguity and dissonance and being isolated and a firm positioning of your purpose and values and and belief in wonder and all the other shit I ramble about. The things that the narrator lacks, which lead him to taking an ineffectual death knell anarchist self-destruction path. Therapy, where the narrator is, full of the knowledge of braces melted to seats and all the people that have to allow this to happen? It fails. 

And meds — meds are a fucking scam. We know the working mechanism of basically none of them, the serotonin receptor model was made up and paid its way into prominence. We have very little evidence they're any better than placebo, and they come with genuinely horrific side effects. Maybe you got lucky. I did, on some meds. On others? I don't remember 2018. The pharmaceutical industry is also known for rampant medical ghostwriting, and for creating 'off-label' uses for drugs that have gained too many protests in their original use, then creating a cult of use to then have 'grassroots' campaigns for it to be made a label use (ie, legitimize their ghostwritten articles with guided anecdotes). 

The DSM itself is basically a marketing segregation plot. It's an attempt to legitimize the disease model by isolating subgroups of symptoms to propose individualized treatments for subgroups that are not necessarily all that separate. But if the groups exist, you can prescribe more and different medications, no? Not to mention, if you use the disease model, you can propose that these diseases are permanent, or permanent until treated, considered more and more severe to offset and justify the horrific side effects of the medications. Do you know why male birth control doesn't really exist? Same reason. They can justify all the horrible side effects for women, because the other option is pregnancy. For men, it's nothing. 

And they're not bothering to invent new drugs without side effects. When they invent new drugs it's just because the last one got too bad of a name, or they can enter a new market. Modern drugs don't work any better than gen1 drugs. They still have horrific side effects. At best, the industry will shit out studies saying the old one was flawed (truth) so they can say this new gen will be better (lie). They're doing it with ssris right now. 

Fundamentally, the single proposed benefit of any of these drugs is that they numb you. To whatever is torturing you. It's harder to be depressed if you can't feel it, or if you just can't muster the same outrage. Of course, there is people who find that numbness to be helpful, or worth it. But often, it's stasis. For the people who have problems that can be worked on, it serves as a stopgap to not actually work on said problems. The natural outcome of the disease model is stagnation for those whose need is to develop skills and resiliency. It keeps them medicalized and dependent on the idea that they're diseased and incapable. Profitable. Stuck in the womb. 

I’ve been there. It’s easier, to wallow, and resist growth because it’s difficult and painful and unfair and cruel and you can think of five billion reasons to justify your languishing. But don’t listen to anyone who tells you you’re just permanently damaged, no matter how nicely they word it, no identity or novel pathologization, no matter how many benefits they promise, especially if they swear up and down some lovely expensive medications with little solid backing and plentiful off-label usage and side effects that’ll kill you. Some days it feels like they want us all stuck in pods, agoraphobic and addicted to the ads they feed us to isolate the markets for the drugs they’ve trained us to beg them to pump us with. Polarization making it as easy as flashing blue light for go, red like for stop, or vice versa. I worry about the kids, for fucks sake. That’s a bit dark and intense, and I apologize. But I want you (generic) to understand, there is a profit motive. Behind everything. And they do not mean well. They do not care about your mental health or your rights or your personhood or your growth. They care about how they can profit off of you.

For those struggling with immovable, society problems, like the narrator grappling with how his job fits into and is accepted by society while his rejection and horror in the face of it does not, it can work about as well as any other drug addiction. Your mileage may vary. From what I've seen, recovering from being on prozac for a long time can be worse than alcohol. They put kids on this shit. They keep campaigning for more. Off label, again. A pharmaceutical company’s favorite thing to do has to be to spread rumors of someone who knows someone who said an off label use of this drug helps with this little understood condition. Or, in the case of mental illness, questionably defined condition. And like, damn, I know I'm posting on the 'medicalization is my identity' website so no one will like all this and has probably stopped reading by now, but yall should be exposed to at least one person who doubts this stuff. Doesn't just trust it. Because I mean, that's the thing right?

It's so big. What would it mean, for this all to be true? Yeah, everyone says pharmaceutical companies are evil and predatory and ghostwriting, but to think about what that really entails. Coming back to the book, everyone knows the car lobby is huge and puts dangerous vehicles through that kill people. What does it mean if the car companies all hire people to calculate the cost of a recall and the cost of lawsuits? No one wants to think about the scale that means for people allowing it or the systems that have to be geared towards money, not safety like they say. Hell, even Chuck misses the beat and has the narrator threaten his boss with the Department of Transportation. And shit, man, if every company is doing this, you think Transportation doesn't know? That they give a fuck? You're better off mailing all the evidence to the news outlets and hoping they only character assassinate you a little bit as they release the news in a way that says it's all the fault of little workers like you, not the whole system. Something something, David McBride, any whistleblower you feel like, etc. 

So I don't blame you, if your reaction is "but but but, that can't be right, people wouldn't do it, they wouldn't allow it" or just an overwhelming feeling of dread that pushes you to deny all of this and avoid thinking about it. Just know, that's in the book. That's all the seatmates on the flights. That's all his fellow officemates. It's easier to pretend, I know.

But think about, how the response fits in with the themes of the book. The story, as a movie too. What drives the narrator’s mental breakdown? How would you handle being in his position? How would you handle being his seatmate? It’s easy to say you’d listen. But have you? Have you had any soul wrenching betrayals of how you thought society worked? How about a betrayal by the thing that promised to be the fix of the first? Can you honestly say you wouldn’t follow that gut instinct, saying follow what everyone says, that person must just be crazy, evil, rude, cruel, whatever it is that means you can set what they said aside?

For a lot of people, they can do that, I guess. Set it aside. Reaching that aforementioned state of managing to cope with the dissonance and ambiguity and despair is very hard. The narrator made the Big Realization, but he couldn’t cope. He self-destructed. Even when people don’t make the big realization consciously, they’re already self-destructing. It’s hard to escape it when it feels easier than continuing anyway. When it feels like the only option,

Would therapy fix the narrator of Fight Club? Would meds fix the narrator of Fight Club? No. He knows too much. All meds will do, by the time he’s in the psych ward, is spiritually neuter him. A silly phrase, but really. Take the wind out of his sails. 

Is he fixed if he doesn’t try to blow up town? If he just shuts up and settles in and stops costing money? If he still can’t cope with the things he’s unearthed? Do you see how this is a commentary in a commentary in a commentary?

Fight Club is an absolutely fascinating story because of this. The fact that it addresses the fallout of knowing. The isolation. The hopelessness. The spiral that results from a lack of hope. This is, I think, what resonates most with people, even if not consciously. Going insane because you’ve discovered something you wish you could unknow. It’s a classic horror story. Should our society be lovecraftian evil? I don’t think so. 

Do I think changing it will be easy? No. Lord knows a lot exists to push people who make these sorts of Realizations towards feelings of individuality and individualized solutions and denial and other distractions and coping methods. And to prevent people who make One realization from expanding on it and considering further ramifications. Fight Club itself gets into this; the isolation of men being a strict part of the role society shapes for their sex leaves them very vulnerable to death fetishes, in a sense, and generally towards self destructive violence. It helps funnel them away from substantial change and towards ineffectual change. Many things, misogyny, racism, serve to keep people isolated from one another, individualized, angry, and impossible to work with. Market segregation; god knows even appealing on those fronts has become such a classic ploy that companies do it now, the US military frames its plundering that way, etc. 

I’ve wandered a bit but ultimately, my point is this: Fight Club is a love letter to the horrors of critical thinking, and the importance of not falling into the trap of self destruction and hopelessness in the face of it. The latter is why Tyler was an anarchoterrorist instead of anything useful. The latter is why it was a death cult. It’s important to work through the horrors of critical thinking so you can do it, and stand on the other side ready to believe in each other. It’s worth it.

[genlossneg]

i havent seen genloss in like a year so sorry if i get things wrong but i still think about this. also sorgy its so long i got carried away </3

something that really bothers me about genloss [that u may have heard a few times already] is just how. on-the-nose and surface level all the references were?

for example, the bit where ranboo is cutting open charlie. cool conceptually! but awfully executed; it was just a direct reference to saw, toilet and all. and it wasnt even plot relevant, except for the slime = blood thing [which is like 6 seconds of a ~10 minute scene]. all ranboo got from it was a piece from mousetrap, which DID come up later, but that was also filler.

its the same problem i have with the shotgun carousel [which is taken from saw 6], if ranboo really wanted to be creative and make his own unique show, he shouldve made up his own saw trap. i genuinely wouldve liked episode 2 if they did! even if it was bad its still better than directly taking one out of saw and inserting yourself and your friends into it. its just so boring and unimaginative yk? and the worst part of the whole scene is that in the original, the trap is relevant to the main character and is commenting on cruel healthcare policies in the US: the main character set up a policy at his company that would eliminate 2 thirds of people who applied for insurance, so he has to kill 4 out of 6 of his coworkers in the trap. i find it infuriating that ranboo took the trap and even some of the cinematography from the original scene but just completely removed any depth it had and turning it into a "comedy", and remaining oblivious to the message the movie was trying to portray.

new paragraph cuz the last one is long. ranboo just doesnt bother to analyse the media he references and just takes the most surface level ideas and puts them in his weird frankenstein saw trap love letter. i genuinely wouldve respected them more if they were inspired by the analogies created by the traps and how they relate to characters and carrying that same idea into his own characters to give them depth, but he just doesnt bother!! and its so fucking annoying to see!!

and its not like executing references well is all that difficult?? the key thing that makes a reference good is that its irrelevant to the story and its out of the way [imo], like something that goes unmentioned in the background. ranboo couldve done something like putting shots from saw movies in picture frames in the cabin or smthn. still not great, but its less egregious. but naaaahhh lets just rip an entire scene from one of the most famous horror movie franchises and inject repetitive improv into it, thatll be entertaining for half an hour!!

the main problem that arises when referencing media in the way ranboo does is that instead of thinking about how awful the characters must feel, im thinking about saw. i havent even seen saw, and i was thinking about saw. how do you even do that. if he had been creative and wrote his own trap, id be empathising first and thinking about saw second, because its more subtle, and not just a blaring alarm in your face telling you hey did you know that ranboo likes saw. did you know that. now you do!!

thing is its not even the only thing hes referencing, apparently the 1st episode was based on a horror movie called "the cabin in the woods", which is about teenagers who go to a cabin and are made to live out horror clichés, and tbh i wouldnt be surprised if that was ranboos main aim for gen 1; to insert himself and their friends into their fav horror tropes

btw just to make sure i wasnt making up stuff to get mad at i checked how long the carousel scene lasted, and from when ranboo enters the trap room to when he leaves is around 42 minutes. how they thought this was entertaining and worth the audiences time is beyond me

tldr; genloss is fundamentally derivative and ranboo doesnt understand characterisation, referencing or pacing. surpriseeee

take a shot every time i said "saw" and "reference" and you'll only be a fraction as wasted compared to if you took a shot whenever ranboo wastes the audiences time /j

wait i had no clue about those bits being references??? i know exactly nothing about horror so that totally flew past me and i don't think i've heard that mentioned yet. this is genuinely super interesting actually, i don't have a lot to add but this is a really great read

[hopevalley]

Season 8, Episode 7: Before My Very Eyes

This episode sure was a rollercoaster, wasn’t it?

Let’s dive right on in. :)

Plotlines:

The Love Triangle & Allie’s Adoption

Ned & The Canfields

Christopher’s Performance

Clara and Jesse

I guess you could say the plotlines were better written together/integrated in this episode than in previous ones. There’s a lot going on but most of the filming and plots just...rolled together?

For example, the saloon as the “gathering place” where multiple plot points take place simultaneously was really cool IMO. It helps the town feel livelier. 

The Love Triangle & Allie’s Adoption

The love triangle is...an enigma. I’m probably in the minority of not really being that invested in who Elizabeth ends up with, but I doubt I’m in the minority regarding my general feelings on the love triangle: I want it to end.

I think we’re at a point where it’s just super frustrating for everyone involved, and we’re stretching the limits of suspension of disbelief when it comes to the audience. 

I don’t think we’d be as harsh on the triangle if we had double the episodes a season. We get a whopping 12 this season, more than we’ve gotten in a long time, so space is limited, and time is limited, and we know she’ll reach a decision toward the end of this season, so there’s that...I don’t know...pressure I guess, on the characters and the episodes to showcase things in a manner that feels natural and moves well.

For what it’s worth I��m fine with Elizabeth’s turtle-pace, but with only 6 episodes left (5 after this episode aired), knowing she’ll pick someone soon (and it will probably be Nathan)... It makes it really difficult to stomach the Lucas scenes—not because I don’t want to see her with Lucas if she won’t end up with him, but because I feel really bad for Lucas!

Especially with the intense fourth-wall-breaking level of awareness Lucas seems to have regarding the situation. Yes, I’m talking about the line he quoted.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not.” 

That’s only half the quote. This is the full quote:

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”

—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Sure, it’s applied to Henry, but it seems almost...too knowledgeable to me? 

So, the quote is from the novel Hyperion: A Romance, published in 1839. Longfellow’s wife Mary died in 1836 after a miscarriage. Overwhelmed by grief Longfellow took trips to Europe and spent seven years trying to woo Frances Appleton. She eventually agreed to marry him.

Hyperion was inspired by this. Paul is the main character. He travels through Germany after the death of a friend, and falls in love with an Englishwoman named Mary Ashburton. She rejects him.

To say this was a thinly-veiled autobiography of sorts is, uh, an understatement. To have Lucas quoting it in When Calls the Heart feels...odd. It wouldn’t surprise me if this was an omen of sorts, but...we can’t forget Lucas’s parents’ history: his mother refused to marry his father for years, just like Frances refused to marry Longfellow.

It’s not a bad quote or anything...it’s just...frustratingly on the nose.

I did appreciate Elizabeth’s admission of not wanting to be one of Lucas’s “secret sorrows.” They’re courting publicly anyway, everyone knows it. It’s time for them to be a little more open about it, at least in little ways. Him squeezing her hand on the saloon table shouldn’t be a big deal at this point.

If this was the storyline we were getting for Elizabeth (her slowly working her way toward something with Lucas) I’d be happy with it. I’m still Team Nathan but I like Lucas a lot this season and would be content with a storyline for him.

THE THING IS...I don’t think that is going to happen, and it makes me feel terrible to see him getting strung along like this. Elizabeth doesn’t come off as “has feelings for Lucas and is just nervous about showcasing it” for multiple reasons. First, she was very PDA-like with Jack, and secondly, that’s just...not how the scenes seem to be written. You can assume her reasoning but she never once is the one initiating and then backing off. He always initiates. She always backs off. It’s unbalanced and makes me feel bad for Lucas.

I really hope we get to sit inside his head a bit longer/more seriously at some point. Maybe he’s aware of her feelings for Nathan and is willing to try anyway because he believes that to some extent love is a choice? That would be really interesting tbh.

As it is, I just feel sorry for Lucas. Not that I think Elizabeth wouldn’t have hangups with Nathan, too, but I just feel like Elizabeth’s hangups with Nathan are more fear of what she is feeling/fear of what could happen to him in the future/fear of her heart being broken again, whereas with Lucas it’s almost like she’s not feeling it and trying to force that kind of affection with him makes her feel weird/gross/bad. 

I definitely think she has a good friendship base with Lucas, but if the feelings aren’t there, they aren’t there. 

Sorry, my thoughts are muddled. There wasn’t a lot going on with the triangle in this episode in terms of...triangley things. I just wish Elizabeth would choose so that the plotline could go away. I’m tired of seeing people strung along.

Nathan was pretty good in this episode. I appreciated his talk with Allie a lot; choosing to be kind and want good things for someone you like is a good example to set. I feel like in the café Allie’s dialogue about Elizabeth smiling at him was off; she probably should have said something more like, “If she doesn’t like you like that, then why does she smile at you that way?” might have sounded better. (He could have said “what way?” and she could have batted her eyes at him lmao.) Allie already knows Elizabeth is courting Lucas...and if we’re to believe the smile directed at Nathan is what tips Allie’s invite consideration to her adoption ceremony, then that would have been a better way to approach it (instead of “Did you see the way she smiled at you?!”).

I really loved that Lucas got Nathan and Allie a little gift. Honestly I just want Lucas and Nathan to be friends or something because the actors have good chemistry together and there’s a shortage of good male friendships in the show that feel Good. I wonder if we’ll find out what the gift was at any point?

The end with Allie only inviting Elizabeth to the ceremony was hilarious. I wanted to actually see the ceremony (because Nathan promising not to leave her was SUCH a good line, I almost got emotional over that and I wanted to see it put into play again) but the imagery it left us with (it looks like a wedding...) was clear enough haha.

Poor Bill, stuck in the middle of that.

Speaking of Bill, the adoption being “on him” was really sweet. And then of course Bill can’t keep the moment tender because he’s always so Uncomfortable with Feelings, but it’s still very sweet.

--

Ned & The Canfields

I don’t have a whole lot to say here, but I really appreciated this storyline. It wasn’t the best-written surgery-medical-wise, but it felt heartfelt and that’s what matters. 

Florence running around trying to do everything herself while also stressing out about Ned really felt...real. And then of course Rosemary getting appointed to the phones and gossiping forever...hahah.

I’m glad I saw the writing on the wall with Joseph; of course he’s a former pastor! I really am intrigued by what his “plans” are that are not church-related. I like that they tried not to make him exactly like Frank, but boy what I wouldn’t give to see them both pastoring in Hope Valley. Then Joseph could pursue his dream while also pastoring a bit, and so could Frank. It’d be nice, and they’d probably get along swell.

Seeing more faith/prayer in the show has been great. Also, Joseph and Minnie are so cute together... I adore them.

--

Christopher’s Performance

And here we are, talking about the man of the hour... Christopher. Henry’s “secret sorrow” or the product of Henry’s secret sorrow? It almost makes me think he got over Nora with Christopher’s mother and she cut off ties with him and married Jerry the banker.

Henry’s opinion of Jerry is obviously not great, but he’s respectful enough to not talk badly about him. It makes me wonder if Jerry is a worse man than Henry is, though. Maybe so? I wonder if we’ll get more information about it.

They really did a good casting job with Christopher; he manages to look similar enough to Henry and kind of...mimic his way of smiling and movement that’s almost uncanny. 

Of course...as Rosemary says, she knows a performance when she sees one.

I’m wondering if Bill feels similarly...

But boy do we know how Lucas feels! Lee tells Lucas that his pocketwatch has been missing “about a week now.”

Lucas confronts Christopher and instead of Christopher being like, “Oh no! I’ll keep my eyes open in case he dropped it somewhere or maybe the chain broke!” he’s really sarcastic about it?

He then tries for the second time to control Lucas (treats him like...he can order him around/bully him) by asking if Lucas found him a bigger room yet. This dude has a serious ego. The sound of Lucas intentionally shutting the door after this was delicious, though.

“If I find that you’re picking pockets, I don’t care who you are or why you’re here. You’ll be on the next stage out of town.”

Christopher just...almost smiles and stands up. “I didn’t steal any watch.”

Lucas says, “And I should believe you?”

Christopher responds with, “That’s your choice.” 

Lucas leaves, and then Christopher pulls the watch out of his pocket.

He seems to feel a little guilty when he reads the inscription...but still. He’s so skeevy. 

And then he takes the flowers Jesse drops off the ground...to give to...Rachel... Honey, you got a big storm comin’... She knows he’s bad news but I guess she’s into it. Yikes.

And then we have the scene where Mike comes to Henry with a great idea he has, and is interrupted by the arrival of Christopher. Henry tells him he wants him to teach Christopher everything he knows. Mike’s enthusiasm dries up right away.

I think Mike also realizes Christopher is bad news.

And Henry’s just so excited to be “looked up to” and “seen as a father of sorts” that he can’t see what’s right in front of him. Normally he’d be attuned to bullshit just as clearly as Bill and Rosemary and the rest, but...his bias is in the way. He wants to fix his past so bad he doesn’t realize it might not be worth it...

I hope Mike keeps his idea to himself but I have a super bad awful feeling he’ll admit it to Christopher and then Christopher will pitch it to Henry as his own idea. I feel sick just thinking of it!

--

Clara and Jesse

Clara and Jesse were starting to repair things juuust every so slightly and then he gets mad that she’s shortening her skirt and...it all goes to hell.

It’s not that I don’t love a little drama but this is just...I don’t know. Maybe too much? I liked Clara’s discussion with Joseph because he tells her the honest truth (and he’s full of advice, for better or worse, just like me HAHA): you can’t repair your marriage if you’re not around one another to even begin to heal the wounds/talk about things.

I’m not very invested in these two as characters these days, and I’m not sure what would fix it, but this spat being dragged out for ages ain’t it right now. I’m keeping an open mind, though; it could go somewhere interesting...and at least it didn’t get resolved in one episode.

Also, I appreciated Clara venting to Bill in that “I still care about him very much way” while Bill tries (somewhat awkwardly) to support her choice(s). He’s in a bit of a tough spot; he can’t offer advice freely because not many people are going to take marriage advice from a divorced man who didn’t marry for love in the first place anyway. It’s just good to see him trying to act supportive for Clara.

--

Other thoughts:

I see we’re getting more of the plotline where Bill has to give up his uniform, but he actually made a really good point in this episode about that. He did earn it! And then insult to injury...trying to make him give up his horse, too? 

It’s cute that his horse’s name is Hero; I feel like that was stated much earlier in the show (maybe S3 or S4?) but I’d forgotten it, tbh. How wholesome.

“Am I being prideful?” I think this was a good question for Bill to ask, and honestly it probably took a bit of courage for him to even ask Lee about it/admit that maybe he was being a bit prideful. But like, it’s okay to take pride in your work/the work you’ve done. He did earn all of it and it’s not really fair to ask for him to give it all up. The jacket is one thing (it’s a physical item; yes it shows all the hard work he put in but it’s just an object), but the horse? That’s an emotional bond and it’s rather cruel to break it.

Lee excited to try on the jacket was literally the cutest thing, and I loved that Bill folded and let him try it on. Honestly? Lee looked pretty good in it!

That scene was the definition of BOYS WILL BE BOYS, hahaha.

Also, Elizabeth’s line: “Haven’t you ever lost someone so close to your heart that it tears you apart?” was SO CRINGEY. I don’t know how that made it into the finished episode. Please, writers... read this shit aloud before you film the show. READ ALL YOUR WRITING ALOUD TO HEAR THE CADANCE. I’m literally begging you. 

But also, the whole concept is still cringe. You don’t know Dylan, Elizabeth. You didn’t know Colleen. You don’t know if he loved Colleen or not. You don’t know why he ran out on Allie. You’re projecting? Maybe? But even if he did fall to pieces over Colleen’s death, that was no reason to hurt poor Allie who had nothing to do with it and did nothing wrong.

They should have edited the line to say something slightly different. “Tears you to pieces” would have sufficed. And not rhymed on accident.

Last thing for now...the lack of Carson and Faith in this episode was amazing. I know the surgery with Ned will push Carson to either take the fellowship and return to Hope Valley to be of more use there and/or push him to just stay where he is because there’s no one else in the area with his skill level.

I think I’ll be happy with it if he becomes an area surgeon more than a regular doctor... it would help him and Faith both feel necessary for different reasons. And also, he was a surgeon when he arrived in Hope Valley in S4, so it’s clearly his strongest point (and best training/experience).

--

So uh, how ‘bout that preview for next episode, though? WHOA.

Hopefully this isn’t too scattered; work has gotten a lot busier since the weather got nicer, so I have less time to write without interruption lmao. 

[makeste]

There's been a lot of talk about Mina's optimistic line about how they'll all be fine and back to class is a death flag, but if anything I think it's a desth flag for U.A. They'll be fine, but they won't be back to class as normal, because there won't BE a class to attend(RIP Shinsou)

seems like everyone in the fandom is talking about death flags and kids dying and society falling to pieces these days lol. fwiw, as I’m sure most people have seen by now, Viz’s translation showed that Mina was actually talking about Midnight, so if this really is a “famous last words” situation, it would apply to her rather than the kids.

but it seems like the speculation hasn’t really died down despite that! so since the whole “kids dying” thing keeps coming up, I’m gonna go ahead and weigh in on it again here and say that I don’t think it’s going to happen. so far I’ve mostly been trying to keep my reasoning short and sweet and leaving it at “it would be too dark”, but in truth, the real reason why I don’t see it happening is because I don’t think it would serve any purpose.

here’s the thing about character deaths: assuming that the writing is any good (which I would argue that it is, in BnHA’s case, although you are free to disagree!), they should always serve a purpose. and in most cases, that’s going to mean one of four things:

it serves as a way to write the character out of the story for whatever reason (for instance if the character is getting in the way of letting a plot be resolved, or if the actor is leaving, which of course doesn’t apply to BnHA but is a huge factor in a lot of other media). an example here would be Twice, who was written out of the story because his quirk would have prevented the heroes from having any chance at all of winning.

it sets the stakes and takes away the audience’s sense of security by establishing that No One Is Safe, and that People Can And Will Die. this is important in that it builds suspense and makes the audience more invested than they might otherwise be, because they can’t be 100% certain that their fave is going to make it out alive. a good example of this would be the recent massacre at Jakku, which showed in no uncertain terms how powerful Tomura has become, and also demonstrated that Horikoshi has no qualms whatsoever about killing off any number of pro hero characters in this arc.

it completes that character’s arc and serves as a fitting (if depressing) end to their story. this is probably the most controversial as far as “reasons for killing someone off” go, because it’s so easy to fuck up, and because someone will almost always argue that there were other, better ways for a character’s story to end. most “redemption” deaths fall under this category, as do the “character makes the ultimate sacrifice to protect their loved one” deaths. if Endeavor ends up dying there’s a good chance it will fall under this category. so far though, BnHA has been pretty light on these types of deaths, which tbh suits me just fine. ideally this sort of death is supposed to provide some sort of closure, but in practice it doesn’t always work out that way.

lastly, the death furthers the story in some way. it galvanizes another character into action, or serves as a motivation for them. or maybe the death shifts the political landscape of the story and sets new plots into motion. most tragic backstory deaths fall under this category; for example, pretty much the entire Shimura family (r.i.p.). this is another potentially controversial area though on account of there being many other ways to move the plot forward without resorting to killing someone off. not to mention that “fridging” deaths also fall under this category -- deaths where one character is used as a plot device to move another character’s development forward. Nana, unfortunately, is an example of this, but that’s another rant for another day.

anyway, so these are the four biggest reasons to kill off a character in a story. there are others as well, including simply adding some more tragedy and emotion to the story, but IMO that doesn’t really apply to this particular genre. BnHA isn’t a tragedy, nor is it the kind of bleak, grimdark narrative where killing off characters more frequently would make sense. this isn’t the kind of series where gratuitous character deaths are necessary to add shock value or realism. making the shift into that kind of writing this late in the game wouldn’t make much sense, and IMO would do a lot more harm than good.

so as far as I’m concerned, this means that if Horikoshi is going to kill someone off in this arc, that death needs to come under one of these four categories. oh, and something I forgot to mention before -- it should be necessary, as well. in other words, it accomplishes one of these four things, and is the only way that said thing can be accomplished. those are basically my criteria for a “good” character death.

and as far as I can see, none of the kids’ deaths would currently fall into that “necessary” category, or meet any of those other four criteria. none of the kids are so powerful that they need to be written out of the story (and even if they were, there are other ways to do that with AFO and the quirk-be-gone bullets now in play). they don’t need to be killed off in order to raise the stakes; clearly, fandom is already very convinced on that front already, or people wouldn’t constantly be freaking out over death flags and such in the first place. and none of the kids is anywhere near the completion of their respective story arcs. maybe if one or more of them had been featured more often recently, and there was some actual buildup, like we saw with Mirio right before he lost his quirk, or with Nighteye before he was killed. but we haven’t seen anything like that recently for any of the kids, with the possible exception of Bakugou (hence why I’m still pretty certain that he’s currently heading towards what Aizawa would call a “death”, with quotation marks, i.e. the loss of his quirk).

so that just leaves us with “their death would further the narrative in some way”, which is probably the most open to interpretation of the four. but for the life of me I just can’t think of any way that the death of a kid would advance the plot in a way that couldn’t be achieved by other means. want society to freak out about children being involved in a war? just injure a bunch of them, or have one of them lose their quirk on live TV with the world watching. want to traumatize the other child soldier characters for some reason? kill off one of the teachers, then. or, again, take away one of their friends’ quirks, and have them feel some misplaced guilt over not being able to stop it. this was the winning formula for the Basement arc, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t work here as well.

tbh a lot of this does depend on what exactly Horikoshi’s goals for this arc are, which still aren’t 100% clear even this late in the game. I’m not sure right now what he’s planning for the aftermath of this thing. will it be like Kamino and Fukuoka, where society is shaken up but still rallying behind the heroes and giving them their support? or are we instead building up towards a scenario where society’s faith in heroes finally crumbles and people are left totally demoralized in the wake of yet another brutal attack, and the total decimation of the Billboard Top 10? the latter outcome is seeming more and more likely to me, but an awful lot of it depends on how the next few chapters play out.

my best guess is that we end up with a scenario where the heroes succeed in staving off total disaster, but at a heavy cost. a lot of the pros are either dead or out of commission, Tomura and the League are still at large, and everyone is basically just sitting around trying to process what just happened and figure out what to do next while they wait for the other shoe to drop. word gets out that the kids were pretty much the only reason the battle didn’t end in even greater disaster, and as a result they get swept up in the ensuing political drama. the HPSC tries to parade them around as the next big thing; humanity’s hope for the future. but meanwhile a growing faction of the general public is furious at the government getting children involved in a war, and start arguing that the hero program should be shut down and U.A. should close its doors. and in the midst of all this, the kids try to lick their wounds and deal with the aftermath, and enter their second year very much unsure of what the future will hold.

anyway, so this all got very long-winded and out of hand as usual, but to sum up, I don’t think any of the kids is going to die here, and I think there will still be a year two of U.A., but that it’s going to feel very different from the U.A. we’ve known up to this point. if the threat of Tomura is still looming over everyone’s heads I very much doubt the kids will be able to focus much on their studies. but it may also be a case of them trying to cling to what little semblance of normalcy they have left. the teachers might decide to press on simply because it’s the only thing they can do. basically I’m anticipating something very similar to the aftermath of Kamino, but with the tension ramped up to 11, and with the adults fighting a losing battle to keep the kids from getting caught up in the middle of it all.

in other words, I don't think it’s an actual death-death we need to worry about here. rather, it’s going to be a much slower and much more subtle death by a thousand cuts. but it’ll be the kind of angst the characters can still work under; the kind that, rather than suffocating them, instead makes them grit their teeth and find a way to push forward. so yeah! anyways though, now that I’ve said all this, watch as Horikoshi goes and fucking decapitates Aoyama next week or some shit. lol maybe I should knock on wood just in case.

[dragqueenpentheus]

Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

[teaplease1717]

Fireworks

Title: Fireworks

Relationship: Todoroki Shouto x Yaoyorozu Momo

Chapters: 1 of 3

Rating: G+

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26685007/chapters/65087851

A little late, but happy second year writing anniversary to me! Wahoo! Thank you everyone who has supported me over the last year. It sure has been crazy, but seriously all your love, kudos, and comments have kept me going. THANK YOU!

This is a small 3 part story that was originally going to be a one shot, but got really long. And since I hate long chapters decided to break it up into 3 parts. All the parts are done but won't be posted until they've been beta read.

Shout out to all my betas for this work: FlourChildWrites, Emberstork, Crazyelf2018 and C's Melody ! (thanks also to Taq too for calming me down when I was a spaz, and Revaliciousness for doing a final read)

And, staying on the topic of betas, HUGE shout outs to my betas for the entire year: C’s Melody and FlourChildWrites. They’ve been helping kick Ashes of Love and War into shape and seriously I could not have done it without them. Any beautiful imagery is thanks to FlourChildWrites pushing me to be more descriptive. And, although as readers you probably can’t see it, C’s Melody has helped with the story flow and advised where scenes didn’t hit. Both have pushed me to be a better writer and I’ve learned so much from them, so thank you!

To celebrate my anniversary, I’m throwing everything I’ve learned into this piece. Last year, my big takeaway was how to keep a scene in one character’s pov and I got better at adding movement to bring a scene to life. This year, I think my biggest improvements have been learning when to use commas vs periods in dialogue and how to make sentences shorter and to the point.

Other notes, this piece was heavily inspired by Kaguya-sama: Love is War. I watched both seasons of Kaguya-sama and fell absolutely in love. I’m not usually into those kinds of romantic comedy stories but this show killed me. So now you all have to put up with my TodoMomo version of the fireworks episode.

XXXXXX

“I’ve got it!” Ashido’s chair screeched back, and she slammed her hands down onto the dorm’s dining table, causing Momo to start. Hagakure’s fingers paused in Momo’s hair as Ashido looked excitedly between the class 2-A girls. “We should go to the Sumidagawa festival!”

It had been a month since the last of the cherry blossoms had fallen, and the brisk chill of spring had given way to the cloying heat of summer. With the changing seasons and their fast-approaching summer break, an infectious excitement had taken root in class 2-A.

Unlike their first year, when they had been shipped off to the mountains to train, the summer of the class’ second year was looking to be far more tame. No training camps. No extra classes. Besides their mandatory part-time internships for the holidays, U.A. was leaving the students to enjoy their second-year summer in relative peace. And no one appeared more excited about this than Ashido Mina, who had called an ‘emergency’ girls meeting to discuss possible options.

“Sumidagawa?” Momo repeated slowly. She could feel Hagakure’s fingers scrape lightly against her scalp as she resumed braiding her hair. Momo looked down and pressed the knuckle of her index finger to her chin, trying to remember where she had heard the name before. She had only been to a festival once before — during first year, with Todoroki Shouto.

Momo felt her heart stutter in the manner she was growing accustomed to when thinking about her seatmate. Recently, her mind had grown prone to fixating and overanalyzing Todoroki Shouto’s words and actions. And, in particular, one of her favorite moments to focus on was their time together exploring and watching fireworks at the Ennichi festival.

She shifted in her chair, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles from her lace night shorts.  Her fingers caught at the edge of the fabric and Momo wrapped the end around her finger.  There was no reason for her to be thinking about it this much. Todoroki showing up at the festival had been a coincidence. And his decision to escort her was an act of kindness that any hero in training would extend to a fellow classmate. So why? Why did her mind insist on returning to that night, over and over?

It must be because Todoroki had never expressed interest in spending time with her before that night. In fact, up until the sports festival, he had seemed the solitary type, uninterested in getting to know anyone in their class. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to open up to her, of all people, about his family made her chest swell with happiness.

“It’s super, super amazing!” Ashido continued excitedly, drawing Momo out of her thoughts. “And it’s not too far from here. We have to go.”

The name finally clicked, and Momo looked up at the girls surrounding the table. “Ah, I’ve seen the Sumidagawa fireworks from my room before.” She held up a finger and smiled. “It’s a historic event that can be traced back to the Kyoto famine in 1732, when fireworks were launched as part of festivals for the dead –“  

“No!” Ashido interrupted, crossing her arms into an ‘x’ above her head. “That’s not why we are going, Yaomomo!”

“Vice President, that’s not it at all,” Hagakure chastised lightly from behind her, her invisible fingers pausing their task of pleating Momo’s hair into a braid. “The festival is about fireworks, food stalls, and yukatas.”

“Exactly!” Ashido’s voice cracked as she nodded in agreement.

“They’ll have so much good food,” Uraraka echoed from across the table, cupping her cheeks. “Okonomiyaki, yaki imo, takayaki...”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Hagakure said, unintentionally yanking a section of Momo’s hair, making her flinch. “And they’ll have your favorite Uraraka-chan — mochi!”

“Mochi!” Uraraka’s voice grew shrill on the word. Her expression lit up as if she already tasted it.

Momo hid a giggle behind her hand.

“It would definitely be a fun summer activity, kero,” Asui added, tapping her chin and smiling. “My sister gave me a new hair clip that I’ve been meaning to wear.”

“I’m sure the guys would love to go too,” Uraraka said, pressing her fingers together, except for her pinkies which stuck up in the air.

Jirou raised an eyebrow as she looked across the table at Uraraka. “Are we inviting the guys? Or keeping it just us?” she asked, twirling her earphone jack around her finger.

“I think we should include them,” Uraraka said thoughtfully. “It would be fun to do something all together.”

Ashido leaned closer to Uraraka, a grin twisting across her lips. “So sly, Urarka-chan,” she said, elbowing her in the side. “You just want to hang out with Mi-do-ri-ya, don’t you?” she whispered in a sing-song tone. The black of her eyes glittered suggestively.

Uraraka flushed. “No! It’s nothing like that,” she said, waving her hands in front of herself frantically. Her eyes glanced around the living room quickly. It was deserted except for them. Uraraka’s shoulders relaxed and she leaned back in her chair. “I just…” she trailed off, dropping her gaze down to the table. Her expression turned whimsical. “It's just maybe our last year that we can do something like this — all together — before we graduate.”

Momo’s chest tightened.

“Ochako-chan,” Asui said; her voice was soft. She reached over to rub Uraraka’s back.

Everyone’s expressions fell as the reality of Uraraka’s words hung over them. Once they became third years, they’d be busy interning and applying to agencies; they wouldn’t have time to spend going to festivals. And, even if they did, the likelihood that they would all have the same evening off on one of Japan’s busiest days of the year was slim.

Momo bit her lip. She had enjoyed seeing the fireworks last year at Ennichi with Todoroki  —

Todoroki.

Would this be the last chance she’d get to see them with him? Momo's heart dropped.

Ashido’s expression flickered, and she straightened. “That settles it,” she said firmly, curling her left hand into a loose fist and pounding it against her right palm. Her eyes were intent. “Let’s invite everyone. We have to live this up if it’s going to be our last summer that we can all hang out together!”

Momo nodded, her spirits lifting at Ashido’s words. “I can speak to Iida-san about the planning.”

Ashido gave her a thumbs up. “Perfect!”

“And we have to dress up,” Hagakure stressed.

Ashido’s expression lit up. “Of course! If we are going to take pictures, we got to look good.”

“If we are going to dress up, I think I’ll have to go buy a new yukata,” Jirou said, a small smile pulling at her lips.

Momo felt a rush of excitement. “I know a wonderful shop that sells yukatas!” She laid her hand over her chest and smiled brightly. “Why don't we go together? And anyone else who needs one is welcome to join us, of course!”

"Oh! To be expected of our Vice President," Hagakure said. Her voice was filled with admiration.

Momo’s cheeks warmed under the praise as she watched the elastic sitting on the table float up and disappear behind her head. She felt Hagakure’s fingers thread the ends of her hair through the band and release the loose braid with a snap.

“Then that settles it. The Sumidagawa festival it is!” Ashido cried, pumping her fist into the air. “Summer here we come!”

XXXXXX

Momo took a sip of her lavender tea, then tilted her head back to stare at the vase of wisteria flowers that sat on the shelf above her vanity. It had been an hour since Ashido’s summer planning meeting had ended. She should be going to bed, but her usual bedtime ritual didn’t seem to be calming her eager thoughts.

Her stomach fluttered. She dropped her gaze back down to stare blankly at the chemistry encyclopedia that laid open in front of her.

It sounded fun — going to the festival with everyone — with him.

Her hands curled tighter around her warm cup, and she smiled to herself. Last year, Todoroki had escorted her through the Ennichi festival, but they had both been too new to the experience to do anything more than explore the stalls.

Perhaps, going back this year, she could try some of the food Uraraka had mentioned, maybe even play street games. Would Todoroki want to escort her once more? Her heartbeat increased. And what if he complimented her on her yukata again?

‘It suits you.’  

Heat spread across her face, staining her cheeks pink. Momo shook her head. Placing her cup down on her desk, her lips thinned. This was going to be a class activity. A class activity. Not — whatever it was her mind seemed to be hoping for.

Momo sighed, then straightened in her chair, and forced herself to inhale slowly through her nose.

Seriously, she was in the hero course. There was no time for these sudden and confusing teenage feelings.

Momo closed her chemistry encyclopedia and pushed it to the top of her desk. Then leaned down and pulled out the blue notebook from her school bag that she had designated for class representative activities.

If she wasn’t going to go to sleep or study, the least she could do was start thinking of possible festival activities to discuss with Iida after class tomorrow. She opened her notebook to a new page and smoothed out the paper. She picked up her pen and, in careful lettering, wrote ‘Sumidagawa’ at the top.

Leaning back in her seat, Momo tapped the end of her ballpoint pen to her lip. Besides fireworks, they’d need to make sure there were enough other events to keep everyone happy.

She tried to think back to what Todoroki and she had enjoyed last year and froze. Her throat closed as she realized, with shame, that she didn’t even know if Todoroki had enjoyed the Ennichi festival.

Her stomach twisted.

Now that she thought about it, Todoroki had never suggested anything or acted in a way that might imply that he thought of the night as special or enjoyable in any way. In fact, he had even said that he had felt out of place.

Momo took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Had she just been projecting her own thoughts onto him this entire time? Could it be…had he hated it?

A sharp wave of guilt struck her, and Momo felt her stomach drop in disappointment. All this time, she had been thinking about the Ennichi festival as such a magical night without ever considering Todoroki’s feelings.

Momo opened her eyes and set her pen down on her desk. Then she slumped forward and buried her head in her arms. She was so selfish and presumptuous.

How could she have forgotten that Todoroki had revealed that he had felt out of place? Festivals were for families, he had said. And, although he had never elaborated on it, his expression had been drawn in a way that alluded to the fact that his family wasn’t on the best of terms.

Slowly, Momo sat back up. She pulled her hands into her lap and curled them into fists. Perhaps, if they were all going as a class, Todoroki would feel differently? Maybe he would have a better time than when it was just the two of them…

Momo swallowed over a lump in her throat, and set her jaw, shoving away her insecurity as she picked up her pen. She wouldn’t let herself get down.

Last year, her attending Ennichi had been a selfish, impulse decision, one she made against her mother's wishes because Uraraka and Hagakure made it sound like an experience every person should have at least once. Momo would plan better this year.

She straightened in her chair and picked up her pen again. The key to a good event was preparation. And, if there was one thing Momo excelled at, it was planning.

‘You’re good at that sort of thing.’

Momo dropped her pen with a small squeak at the unbidden memory from Todoroki and her midterm battle against Aizawa. Her heart raced. Where had that come from?

Her fingers fidgeted as they pulled her braid over her shoulder. She drew in a deep breath and absently played with the ends of her hair as she tried to calm down.

It must be her subconscious reminding Momo to trust in herself. Just as Todoroki had believed in her and voted for her to be class president - because he thought she’d be good at it. Her heart rose in her chest.

Yes. That must be it.

She breathed deeply and released her hair. Todoroki was right. Planning was her area of expertise. She could do this.

Momo squared her shoulders and picked up her pen again. She would use these emotions — the guilt and disappointment in herself — to make sure Todoroki would have the best time this year. And not just Todoroki. If this was the last chance they all had to hang out together and see fireworks, she would just have to make sure that everyone had the best time possible.

However, even as she thought this, Momo couldn’t stop her sixteen-year-old heart from beating a little faster at the idea of once again looking up at a night sky, full of fireworks, with the boy she admired most.

And maybe this time she would know for certain that he wanted to be there just as much as she did.

XXXXXX

Shouto felt his stomach do a strange flip. She was humming.

He had never heard Yaoyorozu hum before. It was quiet, barely noticeable, and he probably would have missed it if he wasn’t sitting next to her. But it wasn’t just the humming that was different. There had been a determined gleam in Yaoyorozu’s gaze all day that had drawn his attention and made his chest tighten.

Maybe he had heartburn?

He watched her from the corner of his eye as he slowly slid his pencil case into his school bag. Yaoyorozu continued to ignore him as she scribbled determinedly in a blue notebook that he recognized as the one she used for her class representative duties. Her lips curved up into a faint smile.

“Did something happen?” he asked before he could stop himself.

Yaoyorozu paused and turned to look up at him. Her dark eyes blinked innocently. “Todoroki-san?”

The school day had ended a few minutes ago, and the other students of class 2-A had already filed out. Iida had gone to use the restroom, leaving Yaoyorozu and him alone in the classroom.

Shouto had never been the type to rush, but somehow, hearing Yaoyrozu humming had slowed his feet down more than usual. His hand tightened on his notebook as he picked it up and slid it into his school bag next to his pencil kit.

“I was just wondering if something happened? You seem happier today.”

Yaoyorozu’s expression flickered, and then lit in understanding. "Mhm. I guess I am," she said, sitting back in her chair.  She tucked her loose bangs behind her ear, then raised her head. Her dark eyes glittered as they met his. “Last night, the other girls and I were discussing a possible summer outing over the holiday break — one that we could do as a class. We were thinking of scheduling an event to go see the fireworks at the Sumidagawa festival. I’m going to meet with Iida-san now to discuss the arrangements.”

Shouto nodded. He closed his bag and pulled the strap over his shoulder as he straightened. “I see. I’m sure everyone would like that.”

"Right?!"

Shouto jumped despite himself. Yaoyorozu’s hand shot up to cover her mouth.

“Sorry.” A light bashful red dusted across her cheeks. She dropped her hand and looked down at her notebook. A small, embarrassed smile tugged at her lips. "I guess I’m more excited than I thought I’d be.”

He stared at her. Something about an excited Yaoyorozu made his chest tighten. It was like the way her whole face lit up talking about chemistry — raw, unfiltered. So different than him. After a moment, the red across her cheeks deepened, and Shouto realized he was taking too long to respond.

“It’s okay,” he said, avoiding her gaze as she looked back up at him, her eyes searching his face. Shouto cleared his throat. “I think it’s good to do something as a class.”

Yaoyorozu’s expression warmed. “I agree.” Her smile returned. “I've actually gotten really into the preparation. I want this to be a memorable event, so I’m going to do my best to plan properly so everyone has a good time."

Shouto looked down at the notebook opened on her desk. A list of activities, dates, and what looked like restaurants was listed in neat calligraphy.

He snorted. She really was good at these types of things. That's why he had voted for her as class rep after all.

Yaoyorozu was a leader; she was smart, dedicated, and had always been the type to go out of her way to think of others. Even last year, when they had gone together to the Ennichi festival, she had been more concerned with his feelings than making sure she had a good time.

Shouto swallowed and curled his left hand into a fist at his side. The memory of watching the fireworks with Yaoyorozu still felt surreal.

During the sports festival, Shouto had told Midoriya what had happened with his family, but he had a purpose when he had done that. Midoriya was a rival, and Shouto needed him to understand why he was going all out to defeat him. But with Yaoyorozu, it had been the first time he had voluntarily spoken about his family to someone who was not involved. He still didn’t quite understand what had made him decide — after fifteen years — to open up that night. He had just felt comfortable.

His heart beat faster at the memory.

That’s right. Yaoyorozu was that type of person. She was dependable and could make others feel at ease.

Shouto looked back at her. Warmth spread in his chest. She really was going to be a great hero.

Yaoyorozu’s expression flickered. "What-What is it?" She reached up and touched her cheek as if feeling for something. "Is there something on my face?"

Shouto shook his head, eyes softening. "No." He felt his lips twitch. "It's just...you're amazing, Yaoyorozu."

Her eyes widened, red returning to spread across her cheeks. “Eh?”

“Planning an event so that there is something for everyone to enjoy. I’m sure you’ll be able to do it.”

“Well…I hope you will enjoy it too,” she stuttered quickly.

His lips flicked up slightly. “I’m sure I will if you’re the one planning it,” he said.

He looked up as the classroom door slid open with a clack, and Iida walked in, smiling brightly.

Shouto’s throat felt tight. He swallowed and reached up to adjust the strap of his bag, unsure why he suddenly felt annoyed by his friend’s arrival.

He rolled his jaw, as sudden impulsive words clawed up his throat.

“I look forward to escorting you again,” he said as he turned and made his way out of the classroom. His heart raced. He cleared his throat as he discreetly activated his right side to cool his suddenly warm insides.

He would definitely need to talk to Recovery Girl if this continued.

XXXXXX

Momo read over the text message again. “How does this sound?”

“Yaomomo, it’s fine.”

She looked up from her phone. Jirou was sprawled across her king-sized bed, flipping absentmindedly through a magazine advertising the latest guitar models. “You’ve read it over a hundred times already,” Jirou added in a flat voice without looking up.

Momo’s lips thinned. Then she glanced back down at the screen, scanning the text again. She was grateful Iida had graciously agreed to let her handle the details of the planning, but now that she was drafting the invite, Momo couldn’t help but feel a bit anxious about the whole thing.

What if everyone hated the restaurant she chose? Was shopping for yukatas three weeks beforehand even enough time to find the perfect one?  However, what worried her the most, sitting like a heavy, black piece of coal in the back of her mind, was what Todoroki would think of her plan - especially after telling her he’d escort her. And what exactly had he even meant by telling her he’d escort her again?

Momo bit her lip. “But what if someone has a question…”

“Then, they can ask you.” Jirou finally looked up from the magazine and met Momo’s gaze. She quirked an eyebrow. “What’s really the matter? You’ve been fidgety all evening.”

Momo sighed. “I just want the night to be perfect. I was talking to Todoroki-san earlier- ”

“What did the Ice Prince say to you?” Jirou interrupted. The bed squeaked as Jirou sat up abruptly, and her eyes narrowed. “Do you need me to slug him?”

“No!” Momo sat back in surprise. As much as she loved Jirou, Momo was still not used to how quickly she would threaten violence against the guys of their class, especially towards her new boyfriend, Kaminari.

Jirou Kyouka and Kaminari Denki had begun dating at the beginning of the year, after what had been careful persuasion, and in Momo’s opinion, an unreasonable amount of pining between the two. It had been Momo who had finally convinced Kaminari to confess to her friend.

“Todoroki-san didn’t say anything. He was very kind. He just said that if I’m the one planning, then the event will surely be enjoyable…”

Jirou’s expression relaxed. “Oh, is that it?” She sat back down and crossed her legs. “Then why are you overthinking this?”

Momo sighed. “I-I just feel so badly.” She looked down. Her fingers fidgeted with her phone.  “Last year, Todoroki-san was so kind and escorted me to Ennichi, but I was horrible and never even thought about his feelings on being there. He probably hated it...”

“You’re not horrible, Yaomomo. And I doubt he hated it if he was with you.”

“But last year he said - !" Momo hesitated, her heart sinking at the thought that her telling Jirou about him feeling out of place could be a betrayal of his confidence. "He just...didn't look like he enjoyed himself. And I'm scared that people won't enjoy this either..."

Jirou gave her a look. “Yaomomo, you’re worrying too much. First off,” she said, holding up her finger, “Todoroki wouldn’t have stayed with you if he hated it.” She raised another finger. “Second, everyone is going to have fun, no matter what happens. It will just be great to all be together.” She dropped her hand back to her lap.

“Maybe…” Momo said, avoiding Jirou’s gaze.

“Look.” One of Jirou’s earphone jacks rose in the air and pointed at Momo. “I know you are worried about Todoroki, but he isn’t the type of guy who would do something he doesn’t want to. And the fact that he stayed with you all night — when he was still just getting out of his early-roki stage — means that he wanted to see the festival just as much as you did.”

Momo nodded slowly, and then looked away to stare down at her hands for a few seconds.

Jirou exhaled through her nose. “I know there is something else on your mind. Tell me,” she coaxed, getting on her knees and crawling to the edge of the bed to sit by Momo’s chair.

Momo bit her lip. “He...” She paused for a moment. “He also said that he was looking forward to escorting me again.” Her voice was small. She could feel heat curl around her ears as she whispered the words she had been thinking about all evening.

Jirou’s eyes widened faintly. “Oh, that’s exciting,” Jirou said, leaning forward. “And what did you say?”

She shook her head. “He walked away before I could respond…."

Jirou snorted. “Well, that’s still exciting. Congratulations on finally moving forward with the Ice Prince.”

Momo felt her face grow warmer. “Co-congratulations?” Her voice squeaked slightly at the end.

“Yaomomo.” Jirou’s lips curved up into a grin. “You don’t have to be shy. You’ve liked him since forever, haven’t you?”

“Eh?” Momo cupped her face. Her cheeks were burning. “I…I don’t know what you mean.”

Her chest felt tight.

Jirou’s smile widened; she shook her head. Then she leaned forward and poked Momo’s side. “Yaomomo, you’re too cute.”

Momo wanted to hide. Did she really like Todoroki? Well, of course, she liked Todoroki. But, like ‘like’?

Was that why she had been thinking about Todoroki more? And was that why she had been overanalyzing his words all evening?

Momo’s heart rate increased. She certainly admired him and thought him an excellent student and friend, and — okay, maybe she did like Todoroki, but only… if she was going to think about it scientifically, as much as a beaker. Well, maybe a little more than a beaker. Perhaps a flask. A tall, well-made flask ...

Momo hid her face in her hands. She was ruined. How could she have not known?

“Yaomomo, you don’t have to get so flustered. Everyone knows.” She could hear the smile in Jirou’s voice.

“Everyone?” Momo asked in disbelief. Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach.

“Well, everyone but Todoroki...probably. But it’s okay, since he likes you too.”

Momo dropped her hands. “You’re wrong. He couldn’t possibly like me.”

Jirou smiled surreptitiously. “I don’t know about that.”

Momo shook her head. “Even if he did like me as more than friends — which he doesn’t — he has never made any suggestions."

“What about him saying he will escort you again?”

“He didn’t mean it like that,” Momo said hurriedly. “He meant going as a class.”

Didn’t he?

Momo’s heart fluttered like hummingbird wings in her chest. No. Jirou was wrong. She was planting ideas in Momo’s head.

It was one thing for Jirou to know Momo’s heart, she was her best friend after all, but it was entirely different for her to presume to know Todoroki’s.

“Hmm,” Jirou hummed, looking at her thoughtfully. “Why don’t you just ask him, then?”

“No! I can’t.” Momo leaned forward and grasped Jirou’s hand. “And please, you can’t say anything either. Not to anyone.”

Jirou’s eyes softened. “Okay, okay. I won’t say anything. I promise.” She patted Momo’s hand.

Momo felt her shoulders relax. That was right. Todoroki didn’t like her, because if he did, that would mean Jirou was right and Momo was wrong — which wouldn’t make sense. Momo was the smartest student of their grade. There was no way that she would have missed the signs that he liked her.

Would she?

XXXXXX

Notes:

Ennichi Festival – this is from the Boku no Hero drama CD. Hagakure and Uraraka see a flier for the Ennichi festival and decide to go. They end up telling Momo and asking if she wants to join them, but Momo says she will pass because her mother doesn’t approve of street festivals. Uraraka and Hagakure then leave, and Momo wonders if she made the right decision. Feeling like she is missing out, Momo makes a yukata and goes to the festival by herself, but ends up getting nervous and is loitering by the entrance when Todoroki finds her. They end up walking around together, as neither have been to a festival before. The story ends with Momo asking if Todoroki enjoys the festival and him revealing that he feels out of place because festivals seem like something fun for families. He is about to leave when the fireworks go off. You can watch the full thing on youtube under boku no hero drama cd Ennichi festival.

Earlyroki - this is a slight spoiler for later in the manga. The class uses it to refer to Todoroki’s early emo stage of the first two seasons.

Sumidagawa festival – An actual festival in Japan. The Sumidagawa Fireworks Festival is an annual fireworks festival held on the last Saturday in July. They are known for having the biggest, most spectacular fireworks display of all Japan festivals with stunning pyrotechnic displays of over 20,000 fireworks launched in 90 minutes! (per Google)

[sad-af1121]

Its You: Part 3

Summary: In which your date doesn’t go well and you meet a stranger who makes you forget all about it with his witty charm. But no numbers or names are exchanged between you two, leaving you both hopeless yet love crazed, never to find one another. Or so you think.  Modern AU | Requested by Anon | Pairings: Bucky Barnes x CurlyHaired! Reader Word Count: 1.8k Warnings: language, full-on fluff and comedyyyy

A/N: It's good to be back! Disclaimer: I would have made this part longer but it would be too much imo. ALSO I’ll be graduating soon and that means more time for writing! Can’t wait to share what I’ve been planning. As always enjoy AND Feedback is welcomed 💜

PART 2

Seated perfectly at the table, the host distributed the menus before leaving you to to your night. The atmosphere couldn’t get any more awkward than it was, and it tensed your muscles incredibly. But why were you complaining? You were on a date with the guy you’ve been drooling after for the past 24 hours! 

And Bucky? He was over the moon and very thankful that the universe blessed him with a chance to not only see you again but have dinner with you. The moping and dreading Bucky from earlier was nowhere to be seen and he was so drenched in bliss. 

His cheeks dusted with pink, Bucky swallowed the lump of embarrassment that sat annoyingly in his throat, not knowing where to keep his eyes on since looking into yours just made his heart skip a beat. What he didn’t know was that you were experiencing the same thing, looking anywhere but each other. Some people would say it was odd seeing a couple having dinner who wouldn’t even give the knowledge of them being there, but they didn’t know your story. And how you were falling in love every second being in Bucky’s presence. 

“So,” Bucky trailed off, slicing away the silence like a knife to butter. “I’m assuming you know Clint then?” 

His chuckle made your body ache, your heart melting to the deep sound of his rumbles echoing in his chest. Gritting your teeth from smiling too hard, you nod but a squeaky laugh escaped, “Oh my god,” you panicked, knowing damn well he heard it. He probably thinks your half pig now.

Great.

You saw how his eyes went slightly wide but he kept his smile and waved it off. This. This reassurance smoothed away your anxiety, and you just kept your eyes steady on his. “Yeah! He’s my roomie, and like a brother to me. I hope he doesn’t give you a hard time at work… knowing how strong and intimidating his personality can be.”

Bucky smirked, “Oh trust me,” he licked his lips and ducked his head, whispering. “I like the guy, I really do. But he scares the living crap out of me.”

Throwing your head back, you laugh at his confession, covering your mouth from exposing too much. You could tell he was joking but another part was telling you he sort of wasn’t. “Yep, that’s Clint for you.” 

“And I’m guessing Steve is your friend?” You asked with a hint of uncertainty. Bucky smiled at your question, taking a swig of his water. 

“My best friend since we were little. Our mothers were best friends and then we turned out to be best friends. It’s kind of weird, but he’s like a brother to me too.” 

The corners of your lips curved into a sweet smile, your eyes becoming soft as you released a dreamy sigh. This hadn’t gone unnoticed by Bucky and he began to blush again. And this time, you saw what you were doing to him and you actually liked it. It was a taste of his own medicine, trapped in a bubble of affection. 

“Remind me to thank Steve,” you whispered softly, bashfully ducking your head and gnawing on your lip. This brought a shiver down Bucky’s spine, his pupils dilating into a dark sea of passion.

Moments later, the waiter arrives with a glass jug of ice-cold water and a towel draped over his arm. 

“Hello! My name is Scott, like the paper towel brand and I’ll be your waiter for tonight! Make sure you tip me well or I’ll embarrass you in front of all these fine people.” He flashed a smile between you and Bucky, earning horrified and confused expressions from you two. 

“Ah well,” you swallowed thickly, wrapping your head around the waiters' words but before you could utter a word, he cuts you off.

“Ha! I was only kidding, oh my god. You should’ve seen your face, priceless!” Scott barked out a laugh, dismissing the fact that you and Bucky were just so misplaced. However, you found this man insanely amusing, exchanging a funny look with Bucky; he understood your motif and chuckled underneath his breath, trying really hard to stiffen his laughter. 

Refilling your glasses of water, Scott stepped back and sighed - that goofy smirk still plastered on his face. “What drinks can I start you off with?” 

“What drinks do you have?” You smiled. 

Scott smiled back but then it disappeared. He swiftly moved his body, as if he was trying to find something. To his misfortune, he didn’t, bringing him to groan through a tight smile. “It looks like I’ve forgotten the menu. But worry not, I think I’ve memorized it.” 

Bucky couldn’t hold back his cheeky smile, running a hand down his face. He couldn’t wait and see what Scott would bring to the table. Scott went on describing the basic drinks that most bars have but when Bucky asked for a specialty of the restaurant, that was where things went poorly.

The names of the drinks were at least better than the description Scott gave and you had your face buried in your hands the entire time. By the sounds of it, however, you caught on that Bucky knew more about drinks since he was aiding Scott in what alcohol goes in what and how they’re made. Maybe he was apart of some alcoholic beverage making club since he was fascinated with it. 

No, that couldn’t be it. 

Messing around with Scott became second nature to Bucky and you were so lost in drowning yourself in his voice that you hadn’t noticed him calling your name. 

“Y/N?” 

“I’m sorry,” you breathed out a chuckle; sighing dreamingly to the tone of his voice. It was like sweet honey at the tip of his tongue, rolling gracefully and plunging at your gut. 

“Where do you go when you’re in that state?” Bucky pondered, his eyes twinkling with curiosity.

“A place where you won't quite understand,” you teased, gnawing on your lip. Gazing into each other's eyes made your chest fall with ease as Bucky’s lips formed a smile of its own. 

“We’ll have the Cabernet Sauvignon, please,” Bucky informed the waiter without tearing his eyes away and you giggled to how charming he was towards you. 

Expecting the waiter to be gone by the time you looked away from Bucky, you were taken aback when Scott was still standing there, smirking as if he knew something you and Bucky didn’t. Clearing your throat, you shifted in your seat. “Is there something else…” 

“Oh no! I’ll just be going now,” Scott chuckled as he backed away but bumped into a table, almost falling backward over a woman in her seat. Luckily he caught himself in time, before rushing out of the room. 

Neither you and Bucky could hold back your laughter, embarrassed for the man. “He’s got a character that one.” Bucky managed to speak through his laugh as he ran a hand over his head.

“Ya think?” you mocked with aching cheeks. 

Once your drinks had arrived, you two ordered dinner and continued to talk. You found out how he got into engineering and what his actual passions are for the future. Advanced technology in prosthetic limbs was his main goal. He wanted to help those who felt like their lives wouldn’t be the same after losing a part of themselves and giving chances to those who were born without them. You were infatuated by his ideals and knowledge. His wholesome personality was another element that grew your heart to thrice its size. Bucky gave you hope for the future and how humanity can still heal each other even when we can easily harm too. 

Bucky couldn’t get over the fact how perfect you were. In his eyes, he couldn't see one flaw that raised alarms. You also had a passion to just live the world day by day, believing in small goals rather than bigger ones. You explained how the smaller ones were easy to accomplish while the big ones were a desire of “what if”. It was the flame that kept you going and you just illuminated a beautiful radiance of positivity that it was rare to even exist. Working as a research assistant for a curator wasn’t as glamorous as you had thought when applying for the job, but it kept you interested in what was happening in today's art. 

After some time, dinner had finally arrived at your table and it was as divine and as tasteful as it looked. Enjoying your meal, you hadn’t noticed that you had forgotten to take your phone out of your back pocket. The pressure from your rear added pressure to the call button and miraculously, you speed-dialed Natasha. 

***

“Where did you put my sparkling water, Wanda?” Natasha inspected the refrigerator while she tapped her finger against the door. 

Turning away from the TV, Wanda replied, “Oh, I put it in the pantry… didn’t know if you liked it cold or not,” she nervously chuckled, shoveling her mouth with the soup she made for dinner. 

Groaning at her own mistake, Natasha closed the refrigerator door and sluggishly walked to the pantry where her drink sat nicely on the shelf. “I hate when they’re room temperature. I shoulda put them in when I bought them.” 

Wanda shrugged in response and continued eating her dinner. Sighing, Natasha took out the bottle and rest it on the kitchen island before twisting open the cap and pouring herself a glass. As she went to add ice cubes to her drink, her phone began to ring, the classic Michael Myers ring-tone filling the air. Carefully, she placed her drink down and scurried after her phone. Since Wanda was closer, she grabbed the device off the coffee table and chucked it at Natasha who skillfully caught it. 

Glancing at the lit device, Natasha’s eyes shot wide open as your name appeared across the screen. 

“It’s Y/N! It’s Y/N!” 

Wanda quickly set her bowl on the table and paused the TV, jumping out of her seat. “Answer it!” 

“Okay okay,” Natasha pressed the accept button to answer but it closed before she could say anything. Her brows furrowed at the sudden silence. “What the,” she swallowed thickly, the nerves in her body tingling with a pinch of worry. So she decided to call back, and wait till you answered the call. 

Yet to Natasha’s misfortune, you didn’t, prompting her to try again.

And again.  

With her stomach feeling uneasy, Wanda stood near Natasha, nibbling on her bottom lip. Earlier that night, she was informed of the escape plan between you and Natasha. It wouldn’t make sense as to why you were calling other than that reason. The anticipation was making her nauseous. 

“Fuck this. We’re going down there.” Natasha gave up after the fourth attempt. She fetched her keys and bag from her room before darting out toward the front door. Wanda followed behind, slipping on her shoes. 

“I don’t like this, Nat.”

“Let’s hope I don’t murder anyone tonight.” 

_____________

Permanent/Fic tags will be added to reblogs. If you’d like to be added, pls send an ask.

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

song lyrics I use to characterize Dick Grayson

This is definitely not everything (& I would love to do more) but it’s also Extremely Freaking Long so. Many thanks to @zitkaplushie for chatting w me abt this! I would love to hear your thoughts/additions/etc. If u disagree w any of these, feel free to debate w me but please be civil!!

— OVERALL:

Drag Me Down by One Direction: okay there are tons of parts that fit but this line is the best: “I've got fire for a heart / I'm not scared of the dark / You've never seen it look so easy”

I think this one is kind of straightforward lol but. The first line kind of tells me that Dick is passionate, and feels more with his heart than his head. The second line is just kind of a tongue in cheek thing like obviously he’s not. And the third one is both Dick’s confidence and also that it’s just TRUE. He makes things look easy, all kinds of things. It’s just a fact. 

High Hopes by Panic! at The Disco: ugh this has such good lines but this one: “Mama said / Burn your biographies / Rewrite your history / Light up your wildest dreams / Museum victories, every day / We wanted everything, wanted everything”

So I think “Mama” thru to “dreams” ties back to him becoming Nightwing, or going through different identities and kind of letting himself go with it to an extent. Like he doesn’t let it hold him back. The rest of it, like...that’s just Dick’s superheroing career. “We” in this case could be him and Bruce, him and the Titans, him and Damian, etc etc

Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson: um. the whole song. the whole thing. buuuut one line I’ll analyze will be: “I don't wanna be left behind / Distance was a friend of mine / Catching breath in a web of lies / I've spent most of my life / Riding waves, playing acrobat / Shadowboxing the other half / Learning how to react”

“I don't wanna be left behind” - he knows this feeling well already and doesn’t want to relive it

“Distance was a friend of mine / Catching breath in a web of lies” - he has like no civilian friends in canon, and even then he’s always lying to somebody about something. There aren’t many people he can be truly close to and open with, other than like Donna and Roy and Kory

“I've spent most of my life / Riding waves, playing acrobat / Shadowboxing the other half / Learning how to react” - idk, when I see this it makes me think that he’s just lived this life that isn’t exactly normal and he recognizes that

Birds by Imagine Dragons: this one makes me so sad but: “I know that / Ooh, birds fly in different directions / Ooh, I hope to see you again / Ooh, birds fly in different directions / Ooh, so fly high, so fly high”

So obviously Dick has lost a lot of people important to him over the years, either because they died or DC said XYZ and Dick’s relationship no longer has any rights, but. This is how he would feel about that. Grudging acceptance, hope to see them again, wishing them well. 

Dance Monkey by Tones And I: I had to. “I said, oh my god, I see you walking by / Take my hands, my dear, and look me in my eyes / Just like a monkey I've been dancing my whole life / But you just beg to see me dance just one more time”

I’ll mention this later on, but I think that Dick projects an image a lot of the time that isn’t what he’s really feeling. This ties into that - I think at certain points in his life, he just gets exhausted and wants to take a break, but he can’t. He feels like everyone is counting on him, either to do this or that, or keep up this appearance. Sometimes they really are, and sometimes it’s pressure he’s putting onto himself!

Icarus by Bastille: tbh this is a song that I think applies to most if not all of the batfam, but for Dick, this is part of it that I like: “You put up your defenses when you leave / You leave because you're certain / Of who you want to be”

I prefer the version of canon where Dick willingly decides to stop being Robin, but even in the way that he gets kicked out, this tells me that he’s steeling himself for whatever may come, and that he’s sure of his actions. 

Stars by Grace Potter: now THIS one is freaking sad. “All those times we looked up at the sky / Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly / And now I'm all alone in the dark of night / And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.”

Again, he’s lost a lot of ppl!! I usually think of this song as him referring to his parents or Bruce after he “dies”, but it could apply to anyone really. And these lines in specific just make me think that he feels lonely without whoever it is, that he’s not in a good place.

Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself / Follow your heart and nothing else / And you can do this, oh baby, if you try / All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"

Okay so maybe I hc that the Graysons were very much so free spirits who rubbed off a lot on Dick. But with that aside, to me this is Dick being determined to live a happy life, and knowing it’s going to be a struggle at times. “You’ll find yourself” and “if you try” are things that I think Dick keeps close to mind. Like, maybe he doesn’t know everything right now, but he will. He’ll figure it out. And he can get through anything if he just pushes through it.

Weight In Gold by Gallant: “I’m pulling my weight in gold / Call me anxious, call me broke / But I can’t lift this on my own”

I’ve already mentioned this but Dick has a lot of pressure on his shoulders, like all the time. And he’s also someone who reaches out to others, which is what these lyrics are saying. He’s aware when he can’t handle the pressure anymore and can admit it to himself. (I don’t think this fits him ALL the time, I mean it just doesn’t, but. Sometimes.)

Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson: I really fuck with the idea that Dick is, still, an entertainer. that + the pressure he’s under = “Now if I appear to be carefree / It's only to camouflage my sadness / In order to shield my pride I've tried / To cover this hurt with a show of gladness”

The word “camouflage” stands out to me because I think sometimes the way he hides parts of who he is is to protect himself??? Dick can also be a prideful person, who might not want others to know that he’s been hurt by something they’ve done. 

The Show Must Go On by Queen: relatedly,,, this whole song fits him perfectly. but to do something not related to smiling: “Show must go on. / I'll face it with a grin. / I'm never giving in— / Oh—with the show. / I'll top the bill, / I'll overkill. / I have to find the will to carry on with the show.” 

This ties back to him hiding his real feelings, of course, but also it speaks to how he doesn’t do things by half. This makes me think about being Batman, about how he won’t give in to the pressure, will push through and keep going and uphold his dad’s legacy as best as he can

Pumpin Blood by NONONO: “It's so magical feeling, that no one's got a hold / You're a catalyst to your own happiness you know”

This goes back to my thoughts that Dick has this mindset that if he keeps going, keeps putting in as much effort as he needs to, then he can get what he needs. It’s also kind of those moments where Dick realizes that where he is is good, like being Robin, but it’s not great, and it could be great. When he decides to stop being Robin, it’s like he’s thinking, “I could be happier, and if I want that, I need to do it myself.”

Rocketeer by Far East Movement: this song fits in a lot of spots but. “Here we go, come with me / There's a world out there that we should see / Take my hand, close your eyes / With you right here, I'm a rocketeer”

Overall imo this is a shippy song but this lyric specifically could be Dick and anyone at all -- he’s the kind of guy who reaches out to others, who would enjoy showing people new things. I also think the last bit kind of speaks to how he can feel better and more empowered when he’s not going through things alone 

I Want To Break Free by Queen: “But life still goes on / I can't get used to, living without, living without / Living without you by my side / I don't want to live alone, hey / God knows, got to make it on my own / So baby can't you see / I've got to break free”

This goes back to a few things. For one, I feel that when he feels held back or held down, he’s VERY aware of it and doesn’t like it, and wants to have his freedom back. Another one is, considering all the people he’s lost, it’s like...he doesn’t want to live without them but there’s no choice, he has to. And finally, I also think this is to Bruce, like he’s feeling like he could do and be more if he weren’t being restricted by Bruce

Teams & Friends, Ships, Family, & Bruce under the cut!

— TEAMS & FRIENDS:

Young Volcanoes by Fall Out Boy: there’s a reason why I named my fic after this lol. “When Rome's in ruins / We are the lions / Free of the coliseums / In poisoned places / We are anti-venom / We're the beginning of the end”

I think that Dick really does enjoy superheroing, and that he’s proud of himself and those he works with for being courageous, kind, and helpful to the world. In his more positive moments, this is what I feel like he’d think of his teams and their impacts.

Home by Daughtry: I’ve always thought of this one as a batfam song but tbh I think it works better as a Titans one. “Well I'm going home, / Back to the place where I belong, / And where your love has always been enough for me. / I'm not running from. / No, I think you got me all wrong. / I don't regret this life I chose for me. / But these places and these faces are getting old, / So I'm going home.”

The way I interpret this is like...he DOES love Bruce, he does love the batfam, but ultimately when he thinks about home he thinks of his friends. This is kind of him talking to Bruce, at least in the second half. Another reason why I put it here is that there’s another lyric in the song that says, “I'm going to the place where love / And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.” In the batfam, as zitkaplushie said, love isn’t conditional or anything but it IS exhausting. It takes a toll on them. Love with the titans is just easier.

— SHIPS:

Make Me Feel by Janelle Monae: Dick is bi like this song and this line describes his at-times tumultuous relationships: “It's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender / An emotional, sexual bender / Mess me up, yeah, but no one does it better / There's nothing better”

He takes comfort and strength from his relationships and sometimes that’s good, hence the powerful/tender part! But in all his relationships, not just his romantic ones, it’s (sometimes) easy for people to affect him

I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by Celtic Thunder: this fits all of his ships imo: “When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be / I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you / And when I'm dreaming, well I know I'm gonna dream / I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you”

He’s just a sappy boy who is in love. That said, I don’t think these feelings would overtake him!

— FAMILY:

Losing My Religion by R.E.M.: I read this heartbreaking fic recently that dealt with how Dick hid his feelings from EVERYONE and no one noticed anything was wrong, really, except Cass. so. “Every whisper / Of every waking hour / I'm choosing my confessions / Trying to keep an eye on you / Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool / Oh no, I've said too much / I set it up”

Dick is more open than his siblings, but he does still hide things, especially from them. The line “I'm choosing my confessions / Trying to keep an eye on you” makes me think of Dick trying to take care of his siblings, whichever way he can

This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) by Kishi Bashi: “Home is where I want to be / Pick me up and turn me round / I feel numb - born with a weak heart / I guess I must be having fun / The less we say about it the better / Make it up as we go along / Feet on the ground / Head in the sky / It's OK, I know nothing's wrong... nothing”

“Make it up as we go along / Feet on the ground / Head in the sky / It's OK, I know nothing's wrong... nothing” - this reads happier than it’s sang but I do think it describes the more positive side of the family dynamics! 

You’re Not There by Lukas Graham: this one is abt (all of) his parents :( “I only got you in my stories / And you know I tell them right / I remember you and I, when I'm awake at night / So give it up for fallen glory / I never got to say goodbye / I wish I could ask for just a bit more time”

There are times where the deaths of his parents & Bruce (and Alfred) weigh heavily on him, and that everything he does is kind of continuing on where they left off, or doing something they didn’t have time to do. I think he would tell his kids stories about them and that he would try to be as true to them as he can be. And then of course, “So give it up for fallen glory / I never got to say goodbye / I wish I could ask for just a bit more time” is kind of his relationship with his parents after they die

— BRUCE:

(I gave him a separate section bc I have a lot of feels abt them okay??)

The Ballad of Dick Grayson by Crafty McVillain: there are actually a lot of songs abt Dick Grayson, but I picked this one bc of this: “Broken hearts improve, but my mind's broken too / Show me how to hurt and I'll hurt them with you / I'll take on the world, I will fight for you / But tell me how to stop, cause now I'm fighting you”

This is abt when Jason takes on Robin but I like to look at this like:

“Broken hearts improve, but my mind's broken too / Show me how to hurt and I'll hurt them with you” - this is when Dick first comes to the Manor, and when he’s first becoming Robin. He’s struggling and Bruce shows him a way to cope. (is it healthy? lmao)

“I'll take on the world, I will fight for you” - this is just...any time really lol. Dick is loyal to Bruce (to an extent) and will fight alongside him, will do almost anything for him

“But tell me how to stop, cause now I'm fighting you” - then this is how it feels when they’re broken apart for the first time, when they aren’t getting along and it’s just a change from the past few years, and Dick doesn’t know what to do about it

Let You Down by NF: “Feels like we're on the edge right now / I wish that I could say I'm proud / I'm sorry that I let you down / Let you down”

“I'm sorry that I let you down / Let you down” - this could be pre-emptive, Dick kind of thinking that no matter what he does, he’s most likely going to let Bruce down

Like how Bruce is always that 8 year old who lost his parents, Dick is always who he was the first night he went out as Robin, desperately wanting Bruce’s approval

He wants the approval and hates that he does, it feels like it holds him down

The Chain by Fleetwood Mac: “Listen to the wind blow / Watch the sun rise / Run in the shadows / Damn your love / Damn your lies”

When I read these lyrics, I think about Bruce and Dick when they’ve been arguing, having a quiet moment (the peace after the storm, zitkaplushie said), kind of reflecting, and Dick just thinks, “I want you to love me but I want you to stop lying to me.” Or like, “your love comes with your lies and I don’t know if I can handle that [right now].”

Numb by Linkin Park: “I've become so numb, I can't feel you there / Become so tired, so much more aware / I'm becoming this, all I want to do / Is be more like me and be less like you”

There’s this moment in canon, before he even gives up being Robin, where he’s acting just like Batman, hunting down criminals with a single-minded ferocity that has his friends legit concerned for him. I can’t remember exactly what he felt about it when he kind of snapped out it but these lyrics remind me of that. He doesn’t want to be like Bruce, he doesn’t want to be Batman, and especially as a teenager, that last line is big. Overall it also fits when Dick IS Batman, and he feels like he’s kind of being swallowed by everything that it is

The Archer by Taylor Swift: okay I’m sorry I can’t pick between these two: “I've got a hundred thrown out speeches / I almost said to you” and “And all of my heroes / Die all alone / Help me hold on to you”

There are a lot of things Dick doesn’t say to Bruce over the years, or things that he wants to say but doesn’t for however long until he can’t hold it in anymore or it’s the right time or whatever. Ultimately that line just tells me that their relationship isn’t one with great communicating

“And all of my heroes / Die all alone” - Bruce ‘dying’. “Help me hold on to you” - Batman when Dick is him. Or it could be about Dick’s parents, and then Dick trying to keep Bruce alive as Robin/Nightwing

[autisticstarseed]

👐 Hand washing guide when you have sensory issues 👐

tbh. we shouldve been talking abt this a long time ago for many disabled ppls sake but ive put this post off for like a million years out of pure solidified fear of ableist harassment/kneejerk ignorance and also generalized cringe idiots but now that we got so much covid-19 fear and autistic ppl actually tend to have weaker immune systems than most people lets jump the shark;;;

i have autism and i physically struggle with washing my hands as often as i want to, having wet hands, drying them, the temperature difference, bad soap smells/textures, etc. are all genuinely painful. the good news is that ive dealt with water aversion shit since birth (its a common sensory issue), so ive had time to figure out alternatives and coping skills that still help reduce risk of disease and spreading it in ways that i can personally manage. (ie. not lazy or selfish or gross. genuinely putting more effort into this every day task than most other people would even think about. just disability lads) so heres the guide i have to offer if you’re in a similar boat, with some keypoints about hand hygiene and tips addressing the most common sensory struggles ive noticed with it;;;

1. hand sanitizer

i love hand sanitizer, i can get it in almost any scent i want and it dries down very very fast. the problem is; hand washing and hand sanitizer do different things. it only kills certain types of germs. which is all fine and dandy, but because of this, using only hand sanitizer wont actually keep you from catching or spreading many illnesses. so what its good for is times you cant wash your hands (out in public, sensory overload, no spoons, etc), thats fine, but it should not replace all hand washing if at all possible. it is supposedly effective to covid-19, but so little is currently known that it should not be considered your go to for this, and the only unanimous statement straight from the CDC is that hand washing works best at preventing its spread.

temperature - if you have trouble with it being too cold, conveniently keeping it in your pocket or closely against your body in some way warms it up and makes it much more comfortable. 

scent - they come in almost any scent you can imagine, but if you have trouble with strong scents, there are ‘scentless hand sanitizers’. they usually have a faint chemical smell, so if there are any testers available, you should check to make sure it can work for you before you buy it.

texture - if gel doesnt cut it, they also make foamy hand sanitizers and liquid sprays, but theyre harder to find and might be a little more pricey.

and remember; always buy hand sanitizer that says it contains AT LEAST 60% alcohol, the higher alcohol content the better, but try to keep track of how high it is and how much you apply it so you dont dry your skin out. and right now price gouging is pretty bad, so dont be surprised if you cant find any for a while, and dont buy any small bottle that costs over a couple dollars, its a rip off.

2. hand washing 

so what does hand washing do thats better than sanitizer??? soap and water lift up the dirt and oils that are carrying the germs and actually wash them off, and not only that, it also gets rid of all the things sanitizer cant, such as dust/dirt, spores, chemicals, and the previously mentioned viruses that are harder to kill. ik to an outside perspective it might not seem that hard, but obviously when you have autism and these tasks are split down into bigger ordeals and sensory nightmares, it can feel impossible. 

soap - there are so many different kinds of soap! scentless soaps exist, and they very rarely have any lingering chemical smell! theres also soap for sensitive skin, and baby soap also works well for that issue. bar soaps can come in all different shapes and sizes, with many different ingredients and additives to choose from (independent soap makers are an amazing source for customized soap btw), and liquid soaps can be pure gel, frothy, mousse-y or even have tiny exfoliating or moisturizing beads in them if thats a sensory experience you enjoy. this is my number one rec for people struggling with hand washing bc of sensory issues;;; mix up the soap. finding one that gives you an okay or even a GOOD sensory experience can completely turn around an otherwise meltdown inducing task

temperature - this is the one thats always been hardest for me. cold water straight up hurts me, and our plumbing is Terrible, so the trick i have for slow pipes is to run the hot water on high as Soon as i get into the bathroom. leave it going and by the time you’re done there should be at least lukewarm water. if this still takes too long for you, try out the various sinks in your house, usually one is able to get hot water faster than the rest (for me its the kitchen sink) and that can become a designated station for you if need be.

texture - some ppl just hate water. if thats the case, it rly doesnt change much abt the process if you use less water, ie work the soap into a lather, and then only use as much as you need to rinse it off. you dont have to keep your hands under the whole time, the soap clings to the dirt, the water takes it off all together, as long as you scrub well and rinse till you see no suds, you’re good 

If it really comes down to it, a washcloth with water+soap, a disinfecting wipe, or even literally just a rinse with plain ol water is better than nothing, but the stream of water and act of rubbing the soap in is the most effective combo against disease. soap/disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizers are your second best option. if theres a time in your life where an issue is so disabling for you that you truly cant keep any of this up, rly the most important thing is to limit your direct physical contact with your face and commonly used objects as MUCH as possible until you can figure smth out. (you kno those old ladies that grab a wipe and open the doorknob with it between their hand and the knob? become that old lady) and if push comes to shove, if a safe and accepting therapy setting is something accessible to you, hygiene struggles are actually something many mental health professionals understand Very well and can help you cope with personally and directly, without shame.

3. hand drying

this is also. my personal hell. and what most people say is the hardest part of the sensory experience. but ya cant just walk around with wet hands right

towels - the obvious choice for most, but to me they actually dont dry enough. i always end up damp and with lint stuck to me. this kills the man. but hand towels do have some variety to them, you can find em with really long fibers or really short/flat, really fuzzy or really stiff, etc. sounds silly but its smth a lot of ppl dont think about that can change a lot. you can also try super absorbent towels (yes like a shamwow), and again baby bath towels are also an option if you want something gentle.

paper towels - yeah a little more wasteful and expensive, but imo much more absorbent. theyre also pretty thin so you can get between your fingers (MY BANE), and under your nails if you use a corner. 10/10

blow drying - ik this is the kind of shit you only see in like movie theaters and malls and they are definitely LOUD AS SHIT, but if you happen to have the money, and struggle more with Textures than Noise, ie a stream of warm air seems worth the sound, you Can actually find a small basic one of these items for your own home. 

4. public restrooms

everybody hates em!!! but you can make em more tolerable;;;

soap - bring your own! little travel soaps you can keep in your bag are a godsend for ppl with sensory issues, sensitive skin/allergies, and if you just prefer not sharing soap.

temperature - most public places i notice actually do get hot water pretty fast (like,,, too fast,,, like,,, it bur ns me) so if there are no faucets and its too hot or too cold, once again you can try different sinks and one might be more comfortable. if there are faucets i recommend grabbing a paper towel to turn it off, so you dont have to touch it again with your clean hands.

sound - WHY R AUTOMTIC FLUSH TOILETS SO FUCKEN LOUDD..... honestly if you have noise cancelling earmuffs or earplugs or w/e pop em in. if you dont have any of that i just literally plug my ears with my fingers when i stand up. if you struggle with the sound of the blow dryers, they almost always have paper towels as well, but its a great idea to carry something like that around in your bag with you just in case. if its really packed and people chattering is getting to you, sometimes the ‘family’ bathrooms are actually smaller and less full. if its bad enough and you feel comfortable asking, an employee might be able to direct you to a single stall bathroom or at least a different one than that.

and though its convenient, try not to use your sleeve to touch things like doorknobs, toilet handles, etc. instead use something disposable like a paper towel or wipe, bc the germs will simply transfer to your sleeve and still risk infecting you. 

5. schedule

the number one suggestion is to wash your hands literally as often as possible during a time like this but like. even for allistic/nt/abled/ ppl thats just not always an attainable schedule so the Best times to wash your hands are;;;

after using the bathroom - the most important time and generally the easiest to get used to. its smth you have to do multiple times a day that already has a schedule, and if you were to forget or go into sensory overload its usually immediately accessible as soon as you can. as i mentioned earlier, if you need help remembering, you can turn the water on when you first get in and leave it going.

the doctors - ANY KIND of health facility should be avoided right now unless really necessary, places where sick people would frequent is the quickest way to get sick but like. ya rly cant help it sometimes right. you cant stop dealing with your own illnesses just bc theres another one floating around. so, this is time to go apeshit on the handwashing. if your health issue involves coughing and sneezing, ask for a face mask. bring a scarf in case they dont have any, its not as great but better than nothing. otherwise, you honestly dont need it, face masks are more for these people bc they keep germs in better than out. whether you’re worried abt getting sick or infecting others, this is a time to use hand sanitizer, avoid physical contact like shaking hands [autistic cheering], and when you first arrive and right before you go to leave are the most important times to remember to wash your hands. 

preparing food - not as commonly spoken about, but also easy to work into a schedule. i personally dont care unless its food for somebody else or if im going to be putting my hands on it a lot, but if thats the case, a lot of the time thats produce you already want to wash in the sink, so you can kill two birds with one stone there. dont just get the germs off your own hands, get em off the fruits and veggies before you eat em. carpool

after grocery shopping - not very common. most ppl just slap some sanitizer/a wipe on there or dont think abt it at all, but if you just got home from walmart thats a great time to wash. you just touched a bunch of items other people touched, including the cart, money/credit cards, and all the products people will pick up and put back, so its prime germ time babey. But again, sanitizer or a wipe will help if its all you can manage after a trip out like that.

before self care - also uncommon. ppl always say ‘dont touch your face’ and ‘apply this product with clean hands’, and what they mean is that one of the fastest ways germs get into your system is through your mouth, nose, eyes and ears. if you’re simply washing your face theres not as much concern, but applying a mask, moisturizer, makeup, etc. should all be done after a gentle rinse of your hands (and face). very hard to get into the schedule of, but if you consider it a Part of your ‘self care’ or use a special fun cleanser, it can stick a little easier.

6. stim items

STIM ITEMS!! if you have stim items, its a good idea to clean them regularly, but even moreso during an outbreak like this.

rubber/plastic - if it goes in your mouth, hot water (not hot enough to melt!) and dish soap, if it doesnt, look up how to safely make a diluted bleach solution.

silicone - silicone is usually dish washer safe.

fabric - if its light, add bleach to the washing machine, if its colored, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide which are less likely to discolor any dyes. lysol detergent is also super great. small items you’re worried about losing, or items with details/loose parts, you can usually wash inside of a sealed pillow case. 

‘squishies’ - for ‘mochi’ squishies aka the rubbery ones, soap and water + some dusted baby powder or corn starch (optional) to keep it from grabbing lint for a while. for foam squishies, they can rarely be deep cleaned without the risk of growing mold or taking paint off, but a disinfecting wipe every now and then should keep it clean for a while.

slime - cant be disinfected, sorry. also a breeding ground for mold if you arent careful, so its always best to cycle through these quickly.

technology - cant really be completely sterilized, but there are many places to get sprays and cleaning wipes for the devices you use that can at least keep the areas your hands frequently touch a little cleaner.

BUT of course if your item comes with instructions on how to wash it, always follow that instead. this is just a general idea.

and as a final note;;; disabled ppl should not feel guilty or dirty for struggling with this. like. man idc abt ur cringe feels or your ignorant blame or your lack of understanding/sympathy for what goes into these tasks for us. if u dont wanna get our struggles and sensitivities when we’re working twice as hard on functioning tasks which personal ease you take for granted, thats on you. @ disabled people if you struggle with maintaining the same standard of hygiene as nts you arent gross or bad fucking person, you’re disabled and by definition that means your level of functioning will be different, and you deserve sympathy. its just that germs dont discriminate, they wanna cause problems for everybody involved (especially you!!!), so Anything you can manage is Great and if anything from this post can help make it a little easier for people in any way, i feel its absolutely necessary to talk about with respect and dignity. people with autism/adhd/sensory processing disorder/similar neurodivergencies/literally anybody else this could benefit, pls feel free to add on any tips you might have or send me questions. let disabled ppl help disabled ppl do our personal bests

[roxannepolice]

But yah rey as a character is just so frustrating you know? Cause like, yeah sure she could be complex with a powerful arc where shes forced to come to terms with the fact she wasted years of her life on self-imposed delusions in a cathartic way, or she could be a flat piece of marketing cardboard which Disney is banking on vagina+superpowers=profit without having to go through that persnicty character flaw overcoming or the like. Because like you said, hearing shes a nobody (which ngl, her assuming she was a somebody wasn’t really ever supported in tfa, just that her family was coming back and she desperately wanted them to) is apparently the worst thing but it changes absolutely nothing, not her approach, not her demeanor , if vaguely sad is the absolute worse a character is gonna experience in a goddamn space opera then yeah, full offense ill take the l on Mary sue discourse but her character will definitely be a boring ass wash. We all make fun of whiny new hope Luke but him being a kinda nuisance to both the audience and those around him is what made is transformation into full blown Jedi knight so powerful. With Rey so far what weve got is badass perfect cinnamon roll finally get her due as such, which is clearly working for some people, but I fail to see how that isn’t spectacularly tone deaf to make a protag in this genre such. Operas about drama, not patting you on the back. Rey (assuming she remains as is) would’ve been fine as a protag s the only piece of Star Wars media we ever got was a new hope. But rn she a chosen one architype (and I know that bunch of ppl are gonna go but the series ‘but shes not the chosen one, Anakin still is, the new series isn’t trying to make her one!’ but lets not beat around the burning bush, if u got a character that walks on water and the reason why is because god said so, ur dealing with a chosen one trope and if a character is star wars is made ultrapowerful in lore breaking ways because force said so? Yeah were dealing with a chosen one.) when we had both the deconstruction and the reconstruction done. Shes a straight hero when the success of the ot rest on hitting the formula near perfect the first time. What exactly is Rey, the individual character, bringing to the table? What makes her story supposedly so important the a perfectly good ending had to be made invalid to tell it? A bunch of ppl will say heroines’ journey! But if that’s the case I gotta say, wheres all the feminine shit? Im serious, if the heroines journey is reintegrating the feminine and realizing ‘oh shit mom had a point’ there where is both the feminine skills/coping mechanism and the mom? I mean I saw some ppl arguing for leia in a ‘reys Persephone!’ meta (she isn’t, you can make a much better case for ben himself as Persephone to be quite frank, yall are focusing so much on the trees ((girl gets abducted by guy)) that u forgot the forest existed, the actually story ((girl winds up queen on the underworld, well gee whiz which character just took control of that after leaving the world of living and a grieving divine mother behind, it’s a mystery apparently) behind, it’s a mystery apparently) ((but seriously though even if we hope for dark rey does anyone assume its gonna be taking control of a dark/dead coded org at least partially at this point, do you, do you really??). but given the fact she had what, one line of screen dialogue that’s breaking ur arm with that stretch. As far as skills go I guess you could make an argument for scavenging, but if that’s the case dlf did a shit job of conveying that as female-coded. Everything about rey in tfa seems deliberately androgynous, and yeah, she had her hair let down/mascara moment, but that’s tied to her ‘failure’ on the supremacy thus something nw.SPEAKIGN OF FAILURES ON THE SUPERAMCY AND LACK THERE OF. I find it kind funny that bunch of reylo bnfs (you know who they are) are all ‘hur dur fanboys/antis are dumb and don’t get story structure.’ And then going, ‘why are yall asking how/assuming rey fucked up in throne room/climax of her story in the second portion/darkest point of her character arc? Why do you hate women/ur own ovaries so much?’ because it like walking into a prefurnished house and being told by the relator ‘HERES THE LIVING ROOM’ and having no damn couch. It’s a living room, I expect a couch here. And in a movie where it’s the low point of a character arc and they drag puppet yoda out to tell me the movie is about failure, I expect a damn failure in whats clearly the climax of the characters arc for this movie. As it stands now there are three possibilities imo. 1st, rey had no failure, she is the pure badass maid o light ppl want and every inch the boring cardboard she is accused of by fanbros, remains static, and is relegated to an also ran to benlo taking the most compelling character trophy this trilogy in 10 yrs2nd possibility and the one im hoping for, failure speech wasn’t just thematic explanation but also foreshadowing, rey fucks up big and dramatic in a way that makes her manage to stand out as unique with both her contemporaries and her predecessors(last part, if its ever to much lemme know pls im sorry i just gotta get it out) 3rd and most likely possibility, rey isn’t the main character, benlo is and that’s why his failure both moral in the throne room and logistic on criat take center stage for the last third or so of the movie. Rey is merely a pov character to tell the dramatic villain protag story they wanted and have their very marketable unproblematic Disney heroine cake too.

Ok, so this discourse kinda died down by now, but thanks to that it’s possible to maybe have a calmer look at it I’m totally not trying to justify my late response.

Anyway, the good result is that quite recently my brother, who’s not overly taken with Rey - or the sequels in general, for that matter - said something which really stuck with me as a possible crux of the problem: 

She’s neither comical nor tragical. Just bland. 

This neither comical nor tragical really struck me. And the more I though about it, the more it was appearing to me that this qualm really applies to the sequels as a whole. The thing is that DLF are essentially telling a straightforward story that they’re trying to make captivatingly convoluted. And not just make, but keep this appearance over four years. And this is... a narrative teeth crasher. Like, when you’re honest about the endgame (in the context of the most structural meanings of comedy and tragedy), you can maintain a decorum, though you can also play with it, of course, whereas when you don’t want to be honest about the endgame, you end up mixing the styles somewhat messily. You can’t break or discuss with the rules without acknowledging them, so to speak. Because the originals were honest about the happy/hopeful endgame (the first episode is title A New Hope ffs), they could allow themselves deeply tragic moments like Larses’ deaths, Han getting frozen, destruction of Alderaan, etc. Because the prequels were open about being a tragedy, they could allow themselves lighthearted comic relief for the sake of lighthearted comic relief. 

The sequels... badly want us to consider the possibility of FO winning and Ben dying unredeemed while simultaneously insisting we root for those things not happening, while appearing conscious we’re definitely not buying the former and the latter only somewhat. And it’s tiresome. Dishonest. And indeed, bland. If the story is a tragedy it will be a bloodcurdlingly real one, if it’s a comedy it will be a borderline grotesque one. 

But yeah, returning to Rey, I guess as the main character she’s a lens which focuses the above problems. A very bitter tragedy of what her parents did t her prevents her from being comfortably comical whereas whoohooos I like thats and prancing like a husky on red bull over idols and visions because it’s for children so it must be hopeful prevents her from being intriguingly tragical. So I guess the intentioned effect was tragicomism but, from pov of an engaged casual fan that is my bro, it’s neither. 

As far as Rey’s heroine’s journey lacking some of the usual elements, I blame it on Disney being... a bit too ambitious, maybe. I think they tried to make a heroine’s journey that isn’t ostentaciously seeped in traditional feminine/masculine traits, maintains the structure without what could be called accidentals. On the one hand, I would point out that hero’s journey has pretty much desexualised itself over time, we are rather accustomed to “shero’s” journeys, but on the other... maybe Disney set out on a too novel a territory and may crack their teeth on it, alongside trying to out-Vader Vader at redemption. To elucidate, “toxic femininity” in which a heroine is supposed to find herself in the beginning of her journey, in Rey’s case is uprooted from any of our usual concepts of feminine-masculine social roles (it’s space, duh). My interpretation is that Rey’s version of toxic femininity kind of exists in contrast with Kylo Ben’s version of toxic masculinity - and since the apparent focus of the story is the attitude towards the past/parent figures, toxic femininity would mean her clutching onto the past. Which is why I predict that some act of IX will find Rey inebriated with apparent success in masculine world, meaning she’ll be the one rejecting the old gods this time - and I would point out that panel in Poe comic where she shows herself more sceptical towards idolisation of past don’t mind me, I’m just expressingmy trash dreams for a proper sith lady Rey.

Then again, Rian Johnson said she already found perfect balance between Luke’s clinginess and Kylo’s rejection of the past, so... idk, maybe I’m giving DLF too much credit again.

As for the Persephone thing, I guess the rub is that this reylo reading focuses less on the traditional reading of the myth (where Demeter is the actual main character and Kore is a Princess Peach MacGuffin) and more of an interpretation of it as one of the eldest (at least in Europe) versions of story depicting a transition of a girl into a woman, making Persephone more of a protagonist. 

Like, y’know, this Persephone (D. G. Rosetti, source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proserpine_(Rossetti_painting))

I’m no expert, but myths can lose their original meanings because of power relations (anyone still remember about Dionysus, the god associated with excessive drinking, going through a very Christ-like death and resurrection?) and I think it’s possible that this is the case with the story of Persephone becoming a pre-scientific explanation of seasons changing over the year. So teah, that’s how I always understood the Persephone theme regarding Rey.

But yes, I must agree that I’m confused about Disney’s handling of the mother figure, which... Look, SW became a legend of a modern myth because of how epically Lucas handled the hero dealing with his very explicit father. So yes, I don’t understand what exactly is their game with Rey Nobody from Nowhere in this regard. It’s one thing that they had a cool idea with giving her no lineage, another that parent figures are an essential element of archetypal journeys and from symbolic viewpoint the case of a female character the biological relationship is even more crucial than in male’s. And I swear to all the ewoks and porgs in the galaxy, I do hope Disney’s idea of Rey healing the mother/daughter divide isn’t through her healing the divide between Leia and Ben. Again, this isn’t the idealistic sphere. Just... no. 

Anyway, I still maintain hope (this whole meta blog is built on hope) that Rey will indeed turn out to have a proper personal mistake which will make her stand out in the saga. I do have to admit, though, that I find your last theory very likely. I mean, even when I read all the reylo metas going oh, Rey is going to have such an exciting arc in IX, she has so much to deal with though of course it’s not going to compromise her morally, it will be sooo exciting, I just... f*ck’s sake, what you’re describing isn’t a dramatic character only a dramatised role model. It’s great if that’s your thing, but don’t claim it is space opera-worthy, in operas people drown themselves because of cursed sailors, kill over a break up, decapitate over a bad dream and get dragged to hell over a dinner, not persuade their fallen lovers to change their ways, let alone patienly wait for them the understand the error of their ways (and if they do it’s doomed to end in someone dying).

[laptrance]

July 28, 2020

it’s been over two years since my last entry. so much has changed. to update March 8 2018 me:

you give up on job searching atm until 4/24/18. that’s when you start reaching out to all the promotion companies from kucr. planetary was the other promotion company you remembered besides terrorbird. cirstina was super nice and chill and said they just wrapped internships for the summer but to inquire again for the fall. 

you wait those months while still working at mcdonalds. you get good at it and things are second nature to you. you still have moments where you storm out, but you get better at controlling your temper. 

you check back in august and cristina says there are positions open in the fall. it was pretty easy as they accepted you right away. you do this bat shit crazy thing where you try to balance the two. planetary internship Tuesday Thursday Friday and McDonald’s the rest of the days. you even do opening shift during the weekends (4am-12pm).

you’re mostly quiet during your internship. you participate in riyl’s. you mainly talk to cristina while mailing. you don’t open up much until hayoung joins in november i think. mcdonalds is the same as usual, but your sleep schedule’s FUKED UP.

you hear in december that maria (who worked in publicity) is quitting. cristina encourages you to apply. you talk with adam and the interview tbh goes horribly. not like you didn’t have anything to say, but everything you said was wrong LOL. you also talk to george and ben and they lay out what press does but you dont catch any of that.

christmas office party happens and you drink a lot. you open up a lot to EVERYONE, iNCLUDING BEN about your love life (embarrassing) you’re obviously too drunk to drive home, but you stay over the night with nik and alison (goth bless their souls)

you check in with adam on the position occasionally until feb. 2019 when he breaks the bad news. the position’s filled. like how can you be surprised? but you’re still upset. you’re able to turn this as a positive to use your experiences to boost your resume.

you continue to work at mcdonalds and interview at places until you get a random email from adam exactly one year after you first emailed cristina about the internship. adam offers you the job. ofc you accept. you quit mcdonalds and start with planetary on may 1.

learning publicity is one hell of a learning curve. heck, you’re still learning how to do shit even now. but you’re thrown on the deep end with Luna. not your fault. not totally kristen’s fault. but that was a crazy client. 

anyways, your sleep schedule’s still fucked up because of your commute. but at least you have free weekends now! 

some highlights of 2019: you finally get a macbook! but you have a galaxy s9 as a phone lmfao. placements in The Line of Best Fit and Paste! you get absolutely entranced with warehouse raves. you literally go to at least once a month. falling in love with queen of jeans and linking up with their publicist Jamie Coletta (she’s super cool and the best at the game), going on two (2) dates with a really nice girl named sara. you got in your head and probably fucked that up. but it really wasn’t the time. christmas party 2019. same shenanigans but this time you don’t drink as much. you really look for places to move out to with ryan and he finds a house that angeli and linda live. two people are moving out and the rooms go for $500 and $600. you get the $500 room and are set to move in on Feb 16 2020. news of a disease called coronavirus is first detected in china. this will be important later.

oh 2020. what a shite year. if i told myself the things i’ll write down below i would not believe it. but here it is. everything that has happened so far in 2020:

first cases of coronavirus appear in washington on january. you’re not too concerned about it. 

you’re working this country artist aminah hughes and land a placement in american songwriter for January 31 (1st time!). there are some issues and they post it one day later, but you weren’t as attentive as you should’ve been over the weekend.

adam talks to you about it the following monday (2/3) in a really calm matter but you beat yourself up over it. so much so that on your way home, you totally don’t notice a pedestrian crossing galloping hills and eucalyptus and run them over. everything feels like a blur, but you’re able to talk to the police, karen, and kimberly (state farm) about it. you take tuesday-thursday off.

you move in (night before you saw bored lord and octo octa until 3am wtf). you don’t have a car (for obvious reasons), but you’re able to commute to work via bus/subway (which you would’ve done anyway cause you love public transportation lol)

you’re able to return to normal life mostly until middle march. cases of the newly named COVID-19 have spread throughout the united states and you hear of workspaces transitioning over to work from home operations. planetary soon follows suit. our last day in the office is march 13.

literally the week after you start wfh animal crossing new horizons comes out. that keeps you busy for like two, three months tops. it’s also a nice way to keep in touch with friends. 

your first therapy session happens on march 31. you’re able to talk about the accident, but it’s quickly directed to self-esteem. it’s an ongoing process, but you’re slowly advancing. it’s not linear, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Bandcamp establishes “Bandcamp Day”, 24 hour periods in which the site’s share of profits go directly to artists/labels. Started in April, will continue through the end of 2020. All the money I would normally spend on concerts goes here now. That and I fall to the hands of food delivery apps (door dash wins)

your campaign with Atta Boy gets going. first track premieres at Atwood Magazine (2nd time! [1st time was with sophia st. helen, another awesome client]). band’s super happy about it (even mr. josh brolin himself gave a shout out [bias ofc]). by the end of may you land their second single on THE MOTHERFUCKING FADER (1ST TIME OBVIOUSLY). 

everything else is going surprisingly well for the most part (except for elp, but i don’t wanna talk about those fucking idiots) despite the ever-changing landscape of music journalism. huge blogs are letting people go while smaller sites are remaining mostly the same. 

On May 25, George Floyd is murdered by Minneapolis police which sparks the biggest wave of activity in the Black Lives Matter movement since Michael Brown’s death in 2014. organizing/activism is still going on to this day (7/28). 

For me personally, I’m making a conscious effort to highlight Black artists on my Bandcamp days and general sharing of music. I also joined a book club (6/18) and read “Are Prisons Obsolete” in its entirety. We’re currently reading a comic series called Bitch Planet. Deep and meaningful conversations.

the family hears news of Lola’s declining health. June 23rd (Manila time) is the day she passes away. We’re all able to say our last goodbyes via facebook video call. this is the first time i see my dad cry.

funeral takes place on june 27th. we’re able to partake in the ceremony via zoom. the first and only funeral i “attended” online (so far).

I start “fixing” myself physically. I went to physical therapy from 6/8-7/7. the exercises do wonders to my knees (ty dr. bailey!). also saw a dermatologist on 7/10. really quick appt. kinda felt rushed imo, but i was given a special sunscreen that works so far? also recommended otc meds like claritin.

ended campaign with atta boy. really sad to see them go. currently coordinating with their new managers on a possible podcast and press setup. 

and that’s pretty much it! it’s a lot of shit, i know, but it happened all within 2 years. overall i’d say we were pretty successful in finding a big-girl job and MOVING OUT, WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN LMFAO. as for the shit you were hung up on with angelica, you’re so much better now, but you think about the good memories from time to time. sometimes it gets you down, but you’re thankful for the memories (come through fallout boy LMFAO AHAHA FALLOUT AMIRIGHT) and you learned from your mistakes. maybe it will be another two years before i leave another update, might be less, might be more. 

but i’m extremely proud at how far i’ve come.

im proud of you, me.

[toukasboobs]

hey i was going through your blog and saw some posts (in the tags) where you said you think that the touken baby will die and in others you say you want it to live. why do you think it die? wouldnt it be like meh if ishida killed the baby after everything?

OHOH, that’sa painful ask right there, dear anon.

Okay so,first of all: i don’t want this to happen.

Some peopletend to think that “I believe it might happen” is the same as “I want this tohappen” which is NOT.

Now aboutyour question… There are actually many reasons why I believe the baby won’t makethrough :c (even though part of me is like ‘’I still haV E FAI T H !!!!” I’msorry if I sound confusing btw HDGFJSAJGAJH)

To begin with,some months/year ago, Ishida posted a poem alongside a drawing (in which Ican’t remember exactly if it was the Kirishimas + Yomo’s bday one) and itstitle was something like “Her womb smelled like it was burnt”. In that poemthere were these lines “and the children supposed to live, died”

At thattime, we wouldn’t even dream that Touka would get pregnant so we were just like“?????” but now….. it makes much more sense

Continuing,on Suzuya’s birthday, ishida posted another poem, and in this one there werethese lines “should I have killed both?” “it was going to die anyway”-orsomething like that, and to be quite honest, we don’t even need a context tothis, it’s already scary by itself –LOL

Many werespeculating that it might have something related to Touka (I was and still amone of those), yet after this chapter… it seems even more clear that it ISrelated to her

Oh and hearme out, I don’t think she will die, not now neither ever. I believe she is oneof the –maybe few- characters that will make through the end, but as you couldsee in some of my reblogs, her baby isn’t exactly on my list of ‘characters i think will live’

ATTENTION!!!: Forthis point forward, my words are fully based on speculation and sad thoughts that were formed while listening to heartbreaking songs before sleep:

Let me -TRY- explain to you my thoughts

-> “shouldI have killed both?” “it was going to die anyway”, I see this as if he issaying that he pierced Touka’s stomach, killing the baby, but, whenever I thoughtabout it, the question “what does he means by ‘it was going to die anyway’?”appeared on my mind because even if you see it as if he killed Touka and not the baby, it’s obvious that itwouldn’t survive because it needs the mother to develop and such, plus there would be no reason to ‘should i have killed both’, so of course‘it would die anyway’, unless he meant that by piercing her stomach –killing thebaby- and so leaving her there bleeding until death arrived, but holy shitthat’d be just way too cruel, and Juuzou’s development wouldn’t let he do sucha thing, imo. But then I came to the conclusion: “should I have killed both?” =“should I have killed the mother too?” – after realizing she was pregnant andperhaps feeling guilty for letting her in pain and suffering after losing herunborn child – “it was going to die anyway” = “ahh… the baby was bond to dieanyway” – after learning (if he doesn’t know that already) that a ghoul womancan’t have a child with a human man, realizing he only speed up the process.But that would only apply if he gives up on trying to kill her, and leaves. Also, idk how he would know about her pregnancy but as i said, FULLY BASED ON SPECULATION. I don’t know what will happen, but I’mfree to think and suffer OHOHOH

Ahhh and ofcourse, the wild “Why would Ishida make Touka get pregnant if he was going tokill the baby later? Even if it’s a tragic story, wouldn’t that be too much?Only for tragedy-sake?” appears, and well, at first I thought that way too, butafter reading some posts from @linkspooky​ and @midnight-in-town​ (please visit their blog, it’s amazing plus they are MUUUUCH better in this than i am GSHFJSHGDFH) in which they said that Touka ‘doesn’tcare about all this war’, i started to understand why would Ishida dosomething like this

Even if she doesn’t care about allof this, she can’t deny the fact that the world she is living in is currently a fuckedup place.

 Even if the baby doesn’t die and shegives birth, what would happen to it if she and Kaneki die? The baby would bejust one more out of the hundred children that are left alone because theirparents died. Her child would lose their place to belong, just like whathappened with her and Ayato when Hikari and Arata died –even tho Arata is stillunknow. Of course, I’m not saying that they will die (after all, Touka and Ken are in my list of characters-i-think-will-live) but it is important to beaware that they are living in a war-moment. Anything can happen at any time. The child could somehow be separated from them.

She gives birth, now what? She can’tlive peacefully. She can’t live with her family in a world like this, where ina moment her child goes out to play, and in the other it can be killed withoutmercy in seconds.

As linkspooky and Acchan said, shedoesn’t care about this, she just want a family, but if she loses her unbornbaby, what would happen to her? How would she feel? What kind of thoughts wouldpass through her mind? “it’s unfair”, “why”, “why can’t we live”, “why can’tyou live”, “is it my fault”, “I couldn’t protect you”, “I’m sorry” ?

If her unborn baby really dies, whatkind of changes would it bring to her? A reality shock. Again, she can’t live in aworld like this. She can’t make her baby live in a fucked up place like this.She can’t have a happy family in this kind of world. Her loss would be whatwould make her open her eyes, what would give her the greatest will to changethe world (alongside Kaneki and goat/hide/whatever). It would be the thing thatwould make her remember how unfair it is to live.

Again, I’mnot saying I want this, to me, if the baby could live (with both Touka and Ken)I would be the happiest bitch in this world, believe me. Yet… can they really acchieve happiness like this?

Even if thechild dies, it will only be over if Touka dies. -> “we can only live whilelosing important things”, that’s how her life has been since the begging ofTokyo Ghoul. As long as she is alive, she will keep losing and losing.

But thatdoesn’t mean everything is lost. As longas you live, you will lose, but you will also gain, you just need to keepgoing, to face forward and keep walking. What is her goal? A place where shecan live happily and peacefully with her child and her husband? Then keep it inmind and fight for it. Because again, it’s only over when you die.

She can stillhave her family because she and Kaneki are still alive.

She has to fight, there is no escape, but she can use the pain she feels with her losses as a strength to keep her movingforward. That’s how life is.That’s how her life is.

 ANYWAY.This was all based on my personal thoughts so you are free to agree ordisagree.

Thanks for the question and I hope you have a nice day, dear anon~~

[marlodonato]

Another Chapter of book 2

Beginning of the End  “Would you want to fly to Tallinn?” William asked me. “Oh my God, yes!” I answered. I thought for a moment. “Where is it?” “Estonia,” he answered, laughing because I had agreed to go before I knew where it was. There are not many places on the planet where I wouldn’t want to go. I want to experience everywhere. I love traveling. A few weeks after he asked me, we were in the airport meeting William’s friends from work. It was the same group of friends we holidayed with in Germany. One of them was from Tallinn, so she was going to be our tour guide on this spectacular weekend break. Unfortunately, I came down with a severe cold a couple of days prior to the getaway. If you don’t know what it’s like to have a cold AND multiple sclerosis, well let’s just say each problem makes the other problem worse. I almost cancelled the trip, but the thought of ruining it for William made me pull myself together. Actually, the thought of ruining it for me played a part as well. It was spring of 2008, and I felt ill for much of the beginning of the year. I was tired of multiple sclerosis trying to deter me from doing what I wanted to do.

At the airport, we stopped in a pub for lunch. Everyone was drinking beer or shandies. “Do you want a coke?” William asked me. “I think I should have a stiff drink,” I answered. William chuckled. “Are you serious?” “Yes,” I answered quickly. “I need to kill this sickness. I feel like shit.” “Well if you feel like shit, I don’t think you should be drinking.” “Yes, I should. It’s a remedy,” I told him. “Please get me a vodka—Neat.” “Really? Who’s remedy?” “Yes, really.” I retorted. “It’s like a Russian remedy. Or no, it’s Croatian— I think. Whatever. Someone uses it as a remedy.” I was already sweating and had the chills. I thought if I drank, I could survive the flight, and kill the illness at the same time. William came back with a vodka straight up. His friends looked either impressed or worried. They seemed to think that I must like to start partying with the hard stuff early, so I just went with it. I knocked back the vodka, laughing and chatting all the time. It numbed my throat, and made me sufficiently jolly.

By the time we landed in Tallinn, I felt horrible. The vodka was one of my dumber ideas. I had a fever and my MS was flaring up full throttle. I could feel pressure on my eyeballs when I turned them and my vision was blurry. “I feel really sick,” I told William as we got in our hotel room. “You don’t look well,” he answered. He sat me on the bed and hugged me. The thought of Germany entered my mind; not leaving our room, whilst William went off with his friends. I suddenly became almost violent with grief. “Get away from me!” I blurted, pushing him away. “Marlo, calm down,” he said, looking hurt. “Maybe take a shower and you will feel better.” He tried to walk me to the bathroom, but I would not let him. The pain in my eyes was rapidly escalating to an intolerable level. I also had a terrible headache, and chills. I stepped into a scalding hot shower and fiddled with the knobs trying to make it hotter. Nothing was hot enough as I shivered with cold. I could not see my feet through all the steam. My eyesight became more blurry and the pains continued. I could no longer differentiate between what was steam and what was blurry vision. I bent down to the floor in horrific pain. Every joint was now aching as well. I started crying out of control. I heard William’s voice as he entered the room. “Are you okay, Imo?” “Am I okay?” I screamed. “Do I look okay?” “Marlo,” he started saying. I cut him off. “I am so tired of stupid shit happening to me! Every time I get sick, my MS turns into a mother fucker! Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why can’t I get a cold and take over-the-counter medicine like everyone else and just get better like everyone else? No! Instead, I have to go blind and get pains in my eyes like someone is carving them out of my head!” “I am so sorry, Marlo,” William continued. “But getting yourself upset is only going to make things worse.” “Get out!” I screamed. “Get the hell out and leave me alone! You have no idea what this feels like! You have no idea what this pain is like! I want to die!” I continued sobbing uncontrollably as I shivered on my knees in the shower. I kneeled there for I don’t know how long. I got out of the shower and threw up in the toilet. Vomiting made me feel slightly better. When I came out of the bathroom, William was dressed and ready to meet his friends for dinner. “Sorry,” I said solemnly, as I sat on the bed. “I feel so sick.” William looked bewildered. I started to wonder what I must look like from his point of view. “You must get tired of this,” I said. “I am just sorry that you always feel sick when we are on nice trips.” “I know,” I said. “I am so sorry.” “You don’t have to be sorry,” he said, sitting next to me. “It is not your fault.” I felt tears welling up in my eyes again. This worsened the pain. “I will tell everyone that you went to bed early,” he suggested. “No, no,” I protested. “You go down and I will meet you in a few minutes.” The second William left the room I burst out crying again. I believe that it was only anger and spite that got me up from that bed. I opened the mini bar and contemplated how much dumber I could get. I closed it and instead took triple the dose of cold tablets. I applied tons of makeup and got dressed. My eyes were red and glazed, but I decided I would just tell people it was from my cold; although half the hotel probably heard my mental breakdown in the shower.

And so for the next three days, we explored Tallinn. I refused to give in to the suffering that multiple sclerosis seemed to have in store for me on yet another trip, so in an effort to numb the pain in my eyes, I drank alcohol from morning until night. It was the only way I could enjoy the beauty of a city with eight hundred years of history. The medieval Old Town was my favourite, with tiny cobblestone roads, towers and gothic spires. There were beautiful churches and museums to explore. It made me feel like I was in a story-book. It is a city that I promised myself I would return to one day—without eye pain.

 Shortly after the break to Tallinn, William contacted a couple of well-known producers who were interested in a new song William wrote. The song was called Keep up the Fight. It was short, catchy, and I loved singing it. On the night that we met one of the producers, something else monumental happened. I believe I remember the exact moment that William and I started to let go of our marriage. Shocking as that may seem, somehow, the beginning of the end was upon us. This man who was my rock; my comfort; my hand through the glass; was somehow becoming someone else—someone not my husband. The evening began with us in our usual rehearsal room, waiting for one of the producers to meet us and listen to Keep up the Fight live. He was the same guy who produced music for Simon Webb, if you know who that is. He was coming to see if he would take on the project or not. He came in, along with a talent agent, holding a bag of beers. William and I looked at each other and winked, as we never drank during rehearsals. We were not that type of band. We always drank tea during rehearsals. But we both felt that we should probably say yes to the beers out of politeness, so we each took one. We played the song for him several times, each time changing it slightly, as per his suggestions. After some time, he told us that he loved the song and would take on the project. We felt elated, but didn’t want to look desperate, so we thanked him calmly. There were lots of “cool, man!” phrases flying around the room. “Shall we go out for drinks?” the producer asked us after the rehearsal. “Let’s celebrate.” I was dead tired. My eyes were still hurting since the trip to Tallinn, and I wanted nothing more than to go home and snuggle under a duvet. “Yeah, man,” William nodded, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. “Ab-su-fucking-lutely!” I agreed. Oh god, Marlo. I thought. How are you going to get through this? Once I got to the bar, I was fine. I sat down drinking Guinness and getting excited about the project we were about to embark upon. This was what William and I wanted. This was exactly where we wanted to be. We wanted to be in London working with top producers, and that was what lay before us. We had worked hard for so many years. It seemed like perhaps all that work could now pay off. We felt like the sky was the limit. I certainly felt that my MS was not going to slow me down anymore. I would happily run myself into the ground. I would compromise my health in order to find success in the music business, if that is what it took. Walking home that night, with our equipment in tow, William and I talked about the future. And that is when the moment came; a tiny moment where the fate of our marriage seemed to rest on the edge of a knife. A thought popped in my head. “William,” I whispered, stopping on the pavement. “If you had to choose between the band making it, or our marriage making it, which would you choose?” He paused for a moment and looked down. That pause told me everything I needed to know. I knew right then and there that he felt the same as I did. “Because I choose the music,” I stated. “So do I,” he agreed. We stared at each other for a moment. It was just approaching midnight, and a proverbial earthquake split the ground in Balham—the ground between us. We divided at that very moment. “But we won’t ever have to choose,” William declared, and we continued walking. “No, never,” I answered, wishing to believe my words. “Never.”