#so I’m feeling a fat nap. cleaning. shower. then some writing

[lordsardine]

.

[spacesquidlings]

Wishes On Stars

July's night sky was always filled with shooting stars, but living in the city meant that it was very rare that either Rowan or Gavin would be able to look up and watch the meteor shower fill the sky with silver starlight. But Gavin's birthday was approaching, giving them the perfect excuse to pack up their family and head out on vacation, to find somewhere quiet where they could enjoy their time together, and to look up at the stars in the night's sky, almost as beautiful and brilliant as Gavin himself.

Pairing: Gavin x OC (Rowan)

Warnings: Slight suggestive language

Notes: Shoutout as always to @jihyuncompass​ , who’s been supporting me and who’s been so kind and wonderful while I’ve been working on this fic, even when I thought it would never be done. I don’t know where I would be without you <3

Also shoutout to @otherlandshark​ , who proofread for me and who’s been so kind to me and about my writing!!!!!!!

And finally, thank you to Rosie ( @my-life-is-a-bad-romcom​ ), who I know doesn't play MLQC but has still been really supportive of all my writings, and been really encouraging even tho I've been struggling so much lately

Starring: Aurora Bai, Gavin Bai, Rowan Bai (Original main character), Stella (doggie!!!!!!)

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Gavin being away on a mission was not something Rowan usually celebrated. Her husband being away on a three-week mission was not something she usually looked forward to, especially not when their daughter was barely older than one.

But Gavin being away meant that Rowan could collect all his presents and wrap them without worrying that he would find them. It meant she could spend Aurora’s nap times searching up cake recipes and tasty meals she thought Gavin might like.

Although she had to admit, it was still very strange not having Gavin in the house, and her heart ached from his absence. Since Aurora had been born he’d taken much more time off, and had declined numerous missions that would have taken him away from for over a month at times.

Rowan had gotten so used to having Gavin around the house, helping her with food and cleaning, telling her to rest as he scooped Aurora out of her arms, that she’d forgotten what it felt like to be without him.

Which wasn’t to say that she was completely alone. Her friends came and visited her often, and the house could never truly be lonely with their dog Stella close by, and Aurora trying to stumble around on her chubby baby legs, doing her best to get into as much trouble as possible.

But still, the house felt lonelier without Gavin, emptier somehow. Rowan missed her husband’s laugh, his gentle smile whenever she caught his gaze, the way he sang to Aurora when he was trying to put her down for a nap. She missed the way he cooed to their daughter when he woke her up, the way he made ridiculous faces at Aurora to get her to laugh. She missed him beside her when they watched a movie together, his arms around her at night as she fell asleep, his sleepy morning voice when he kissed her awake.

Rowan just missed him, more than she could put into words. She’d been counting down the days until he would be back since the second he’d left.

She sighed, staring down at the mess before her. Just two more days. Just two more days until he would be back, and then they would go away for a few days.

They’d rented a little cottage for Gavin’s birthday. There was a meteor shower that often occurred during the end of July, but there was too much light from the city crowding the sky, veiling the glittering stars. So they’d agreed to go away, somewhere a little more rural, where they could look up and spy the stars.

Rowan tapped the countertop before her, losing herself in the daydream of cuddling with her husband again, beneath a sky awash in sparks of light. The air would be warm, but the breeze would be cool against her warm cheeks. She would hear Gavin’s heartbeat from where her head rested against his chest. His fingers would be in her hair, playing with the strands the way he always did when he began to doze off. She would lift her head and kiss his jaw, and he would smile softly, his face limned in starlight, and then he would kiss her brow. His arms would grow tighter around her, holding her close, and she would feel happy and content, like she was exactly where she was always meant to be.

A timer screaming from her phone yanked her from her thoughts. She wiped her hands on the apron she’d hastily tied around herself, not wanting to get flour all over her, before grabbing her phone to shut the timer off.

Sighing, Rowan untied the apron, draping it over a chair before plucking the baby monitor she kept with her from the table.

Aurora lay curled in her crib, still fast asleep. She stretched out a little hand and seemed to move her head, but then drew still.

Rowan’s heart ached as she watched the video of her baby for a few moments. Sometimes she still couldn’t believe she was real, that she was Rowan’s and Gavin’s.

She set the monitor back down, heading towards Aurora’s room. She opened the door slowly, tiptoeing in and turning the gentle noise machine off before slowly drawing open the curtains just a crack, just enough to let warm afternoon light turn the room golden.

“Hey, little princess,” Rowan cooed, rubbing Aurora’s back gently. “Time to get up, my love.”

Beside the crib, Stella lifted her head, peering at Rowan quietly.

Ever since the moment they’d brought Aurora home, Stella had been keeping watch over her. If they couldn’t find their dog it was more than likely that she was laying at the foot of the crib, keeping an eye on their sleeping baby.

Rowan crouched down to scratch behind Stella’s ears. “Did you have a nice nap, too?”

Stella’s tail wagged, and she rolled onto her back, hoping for belly rubs.

“I have to wake Aurora up,” Rowan giggled, giving Stella a few pats. “Don’t you want to see your baby?”

Stella continued watching Rowan as she turned back to the baby, who was whining quietly now.

Rowan cooed softly, rubbing Aurora’s back again. “Wake up, my love. You slept for so long!”

Aurora’s tiny fists rubbed against her face, her eyes cracking open to peer blearily up at Rowan. She blinked, stretching her arms up above her head. And then she was smiling, a wide, toothy grin as she reached grabbing hands up to Rowan. She giggled, wiggling in the little sleep-sack she was swathed in.

“Hello,” Rowan sang, scooping Aurora up into her arms. “Hello, little princess. Did you have good sleeps?”

Aurora giggled, babbling as she wiggled in Rowan’s arms.

Rowan couldn’t help laughing, pressing kisses to the top of Aurora’s head. “I missed you!”

Aurora babbled something in response, squealing loud enough to make Rowan wince for a moment.

“Okay okay,” she said, carrying Aurora to the changing table. “Let’s check to make sure you’re all clean and then get some lunch, okay? And then will you help me with daddy’s birthday cake?”

Aurora gurgled, chewing on her hand as she continued smiling, waving at Stella with her other hand when she saw the dog.

Luckily, it was quick work to get Aurora changed, and then she was carrying her to the kitchen. Rowan tried setting her into her highchair so she could make lunch quickly, but the moment she let Aurora go she was already whining, fat tears appearing at the corners of her eyes.

Rowan sighed, scooping Aurora back up into her arms. “You are lucky you’re so cute.”

Aurora giggled, squishing her face against Rowan’s shoulder.

“You’re just like your daddy,” she muttered, shoving the fridge door open with her foot and grabbing the yogurt and fruit she wanted to use for Aurora’s lunch. “So clingy. You need hugs all the time.”

Aurora peaked up at her, staring with wide, golden eyes that were so like Gavin’s that Rowan’s heart ached.

She took the opportunity to smother her daughter’s chubby cheeks in kisses until she was squealing with laughter. “But I love it! I love you both!”

She cuddled her baby as tight as she could with one hand as she tried preparing her lunch, spooning yogurt into a little pink bowl and cutting up banana and strawberry pieces. She balanced her as well as she could while she tried cracking an egg, wanting to make some eggs for herself.

Aurora waved a hand out, trying to reach for the wooden spoon Rowan was using to push the eggs around on the pan.

“What? You want to help?”

Aurora said something unintelligible, making grabby hands towards the spoon.

“Okay but you have to hold it tight, okay?” Rowan said, leaning forward so Aurora could hold the spoon.

She grasped it with both her hands, babbling in delight as she shoved the spoon around the pan.

Rowan laughed, trying to hold part of the spoon to stop the food from getting knocked onto the stove. “A little gentler, love. We want to eat these eggs, don’t we?”

When the food was finally done, Rowan again attempted to set Aurora in her highchair. She started whining before Rowan had even let her go, her hands fisting in the material of Rowan’s shirt and pulling on it.

“Hey hey, I’m not going anywhere,” she cooed, hurrying to where the food was all piled on the counter and bringing it over to Aurora. “See? I’m right here.”

Aurora’s bottom lip quivered, and she sniffled loudly. “Mama!”

“I know,” Rowan said, setting a plastic spoon into the yogurt. “I’m here, okay? Mommy’s right here.”

Aurora pouted for a few minutes longer before Rowan was able to get any food into her. Then she was smiling again, trying to grab the spoon out of Rowan’s hand.

“You got that?” Rowan asked, watching Aurora smack it into the bowl of fruit, squishing a piece of banana.

Aurora babbled something in response, reaching for the squished banana and shoving it into her mouth.

Rowan couldn’t help smiling as she watched her for a few minutes, making sure she was okay before trying to eat as fast as she could, before it got cold or Aurora needed help or both.

Stella sat beneath Aurora’s highchair, quietly watching her baby, her eyes on the little pieces of egg that were teetering a bit too close to the edge of the highchair. Aurora peeked over the edge, waving her hands at Stella before her eyes slid back to Rowan.

Rowan smirked, turning away to focus on her own food. But she watched from the corner of her eye as Aurora grabbed a piece of egg in her fist and dropped it towards Stella, squealing when Stella caught it before it hit the floor.

Rowan snorted, spearing her food with her fork. They were both so adorable and so completely ridiculous, as if she couldn’t see Aurora tossing Stella pieces of her food.

Rowan finished her lunch, then helped Aurora with hers before lifting her from the highchair and cleaning her up.

“Okay!” Rowan announced, twirling around with Aurora in her arms, making her daughter giggle. “Now that we’ve eaten and gotten you changed, again,” she said, kissing one of her cheeks. “Let’s make daddy’s cake, okay? He’s coming home tomorrow and we need it to be a surprise!”

Aurora waved her hands, babbling a string of “dada” while Rowan searched for the baby carrier she sometimes used when taking Aurora for walks. She needed both her hands if she was going to make it right, and whenever she was cooking Aurora always insisted on being right beside her, and she didn’t want to trip over her own daughter.

“Comfy?” Rowan asked, walking back to the kitchen. “We’re gonna make daddy’s cake now. Will you help?”

Aurora squealed, and Rowan took it as agreement to help.

Although she wasn’t sure if she would quite call it helping.

She’d only just begun measuring out all the dry ingredients when she’d had to wake Aurora from her nap, and the flour and sugar and spices still sat open before her. She tried measuring out the sugar into a small measuring cup, but Aurora kept making a grab for it, whining when Rowan held it out of reach.

“No, this is for the cake,” Rowan said, kissing the top of Aurora’s head. “You can have some of the batter when it’s done, though.”

Aurora whined for a while longer, but didn’t kick up a fuss as Rowan finished measuring everything out, pouring them into a bowl.

“We’re doing great so far, little princess,” she said, reaching for the recipe she’d printed from the internet.

Rowan had made cakes before, but they’d always been boxed cakes that somehow always tasted the same. But this was Gavin’s birthday, and she wanted to make something special for him.

He deserved that. To receive special things, to know that he himself was special. That he was loved and cherished and important.

She told him every day, made sure he did always know, but birthdays were supposed to be special. And she wanted to make it extra special for him.

Although the real trouble began when Rowan started measuring out the wet ingredients. Because that was when Aurora decided to start kicking her legs, knocking the measuring cup Rowan had in her hand and spilling milk everywhere.

“Aurora,” Rowan chastised, trying to keep her voice calm and low. “Please don’t do that, okay?”

Aurora whined, and Rowan took her little hands, pressing kisses to them before tickling her.

“We’re making cake! Cake, Aurora! Do you want some when it’s done?”

Aurora shook her hands, and Rowan went back to work, trying to keep her measuring cups and ingredients out of her daughter’s reach.

Although that didn’t stop her from knocking over a few more things, and crying when Rowan turned the blender on.

She bounced Aurora around the room, trying to calm her down, wiping away the fat tears that rolled down her cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Rowan cooed, squeezing Aurora’s hands. “You’re okay! And look, see? We’ve made the batter.”

Aurora was wary of the batter when Rowan offered the spoon to her, but happily licked it clean after she’d tasted it. Rowan was even able to get all the batter into the cake pans and slide them into the oven before Aurora was done.

“Okay! Time for the icing!”

She was sure that this would be easier. After all, it was just icing. But she’d wanted to try decorating the cake with pretty shapes, which meant she needed to not only ice the cake, but decorate it, and she wasn’t particularly skilled at either.

She started by mixing together the ingredients for the base icing, but it started going awry when she put too much food colouring in, making the icing a much deeper blue than she’d intended.

Chewing on the inside of her lip to keep herself from cursing, Rowan tried adding more milk to dilute the colour, but then the icing turned more watery. It took a few more tries of adding more dried ingredients and another few minutes in the electric mixer before it was the consistency that she wanted. But the colour was still far too dark.

And then Aurora was crying, and Rowan had to stop everything to change her and make sure she was all clean and comfy. Which meant that she didn’t hear the timer go off to take the cake out of the oven.

Rowan returned to a kitchen that smelled a little too strongly of chocolate cake, the timer screaming at her as she raced as best she could to the oven and yanked the cake tins out.

She flipped them over, letting the cakes fall into the wire racks she’d just purchased specifically for this baking attempt, her heart hammering in her chest.

Aurora gurgled, reaching to the side and pulling at Rowan’s shirt.

“Do you think it’ll be alright?” Rowan asked, kissing Aurora’s head again. “It should be, right? It couldn’t have been that long that it was left in there.”

She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands, not wanting to cry over a cake that might not even be ruined. But she was already starting to feel tired, and she still had to make dinner and she had to put together a few more meals she wanted them to take up to the little cottage, so they had to do as little cooking and cleaning while on their vacation.

She sniffled, dropping the cake pans into the dishwasher before returning to the icing situation. She still had to mix up the second icing and get it into the little icing bag she’d purchased from the craft store.

Handing Aurora a spoonful of the blue icing, Rowan retrieved another mixing bowl from the cupboard. She began mixing the ingredients again, being extra careful with the colour this time to make sure it wasn’t too dark.

She’d bought yellow food colouring, and she’d found edible glitter that she wanted to add, too. She wanted to decorate the cake with stars, wanted to make it as bright as Gavin made her life.

She was smiling again when she finished up the icing, carefully pouring it into the bag before tying it off.

By then the cake had cooled, and Rowan did her best to arrange the cake, smearing icing between each layer. The next part was tricky, and not just because Aurora decided she wanted to help with the icing.

Rowan had never iced a cake before, and it was difficult to make it even along the sides. And then it was difficult to make it look nice. The lines from the spoon she was using could be seen all over the cake, and there were weird little swirls and bumps from her attempts to smooth it out, and the icing looked splotchy and awkward, the blue colour darker in some places while in others it looked completely washed out.

She pouted, resting her cheek against the top of Aurora’s head. “What do you think?”

Aurora was busy babbling, and she paused to let out a little sneeze before gurgling.

“Bless you,” Rowan murmured, kissing her baby’s head. “I love you. I love you so much.”

Aurora tipped her head back, trying to reach up to grab Rowan’s face, “mama?”

She laughed, holding Aurora’s hand. “Yes!”

“Mama!”

“Yes, that’s me!”

Aurora wiggled, reaching up her other hand to pat Rowan’s other cheek. “Mama!”

“I love you,” she sang, kissing Aurora’s forehead. “Mommy loves you so much!”

Aurora squealed, wiggling harder, and Rowan bounced while she tried working with the yellow frosting.

She squeezed the bag carefully, doing her best to make tiny, golden stars, scattering them over the edges of the cake. Or at least she tried too. Some of the stars came out lopsided, some too big, some too small. Sometimes the icing bled funny, or came out in weird clumps, and even when she tried to smooth it out it looked odd.

She tried putting stars along the sides too, but that was even harder than the top, and the stars were all different sizes.

But she was pleased with how the “happy birthday” at the top of the cake turned out. She did her best to write it so it came out as clean as possible, and it almost looked like it was professional.

Almost.

Setting down the empty icing bag, Rowan took a step back, surveying her work.

She’d managed to cover up most of the awkward bumps and patches with the icing stars, but then some of the stars didn’t exactly look quite right. And still she couldn’t quite wipe away the worry that gnawed at her, that the cake was burnt and wouldn’t taste half as good as the recipe had promised it would.

She bit her lip, trying to ignore the disappointment welling in her. She’d wanted to make something that Gavin would love, that would make Gavin know how loved and special he was. She hadn’t expected it to look professional by any means, but…

She’d hoped that it would at least look better.

Running a hand over her face, Rowan turned to wash her hands. She would wallow over how disappointing the cake was later. Maybe she would see if she could order one. But right now she had to make dinner and feed Aurora.

Dinner wasn’t a massive, fancy affair, most of Rowan’s energy used up trying to make the cake. She steamed some carrots, mashed some potatoes, and cooked some chicken for the two of them. Aurora was just as fussy as she was earlier when Rowan tried to put her down, so she continued to carry her around, bouncing and spinning and talking in silly voices as she cooked, eliciting lots of delighted giggles from her daughter.

After dinner she put Aurora in her stroller and took Stella to the dog park, knowing she was probably near stir-crazy by now. The evening air was cool, the sky still filled with golden sunlight that washed over the world. She threw balls for Stella at the park, helping Aurora to hold and throw the ball so she could be included too.

And once Aurora started growing fussy she slipped her back into the stroller to head home, calling for Stella. Rowan pointed out the stars blooming in the darkening sky, telling Aurora about them, about how much Gavin liked them, asking her if she was excited to see the meteor shower.

Once they were home it was bathtime, with Rowan fighting against Stella to stop her from jumping into the tub with Aurora. She managed to wash Aurora without too much water getting splashed all across the floor, and then she was bundling her baby up like a little burrito, carrying her back to her room and dressing her in soft, comfy pajamas.

Rowan held Aurora close, rocking her as she wandered around the room, pressing kisses to her soft, downy hair as Aurora fought against her own fatigue. Her hands turned to fists, rubbing against her face as she yawned, nestling against Rowan’s chest.

“Thank you for helping me with daddy’s cake,” Rowan murmured, brushing a whisper of a kiss against Aurora’s cheek when her eyes finally fell closed.

She settled Aurora into her crib, tiptoeing from the room. But she left the door slightly ajar, knowing Stella would soon be sneaking in to curl up at the foot of the crib again, ready to keep watch over Aurora for the night.

And then it was more cleaning and cooking. Rowan stifled a yawn, refusing to look at the cake that she still couldn’t decide if she hated or not, focusing instead on loading the dishes into the dishwasher before making some of the other meals she wanted to bring with them.

It wasn’t anything fancy, mostly different pasta salads and fancy sandwiches. She cooked some more chicken, figuring it would be good for easy lunches if they didn’t want anything else.

Then she started packing other foods they would take with them. Jam and peanut butter, bagels, cookies, little apple sauces and puddings. Things that everyone, but especially Aurora would eat. She wouldn’t worry about things like fruits or dairy until the day they left, not wanting anything to spoil.

After she was satisfied with the food, she turned to the laundry, having washed everything she figured they would need for herself, Aurora, and Gavin.

She knew she didn’t have to do any of this, but she also knew that when Gavin returned he would likely be exhausted, and she wanted him to rest for as long as possible. When they’d met he hardly rested, sometimes refusing to even go to sleep after missions. But she wanted him to rest now, wanted him to be happy and healthy. She wanted to help him however she could, wanted to be there to support him.

She just didn’t want him to feel alone, not ever again.

She’d only gotten through about half of what she’d hoped to fold and put away before exhaustion truly hit her. Her body grew heavy and slow, her mind churning to a stop, the show she’d been playing on her laptop while she’d folded and packed turning into a garbled buzz. Her eyes were heavy, and she could feel a headache beginning to bloom in her temple.

She set the clothes she’d been folding to the side, closing her eyes. She missed Gavin. She wished she could lay down in his arms, press her face against his chest, let herself fall fast asleep. She would shower when she woke up, still tangled in his arms. He would run his fingers through her hair while he helped her wash it, and she would massage his shoulders while she helped him wash his back.

When they were done he would find her something soft to wear, and tuck her back into bed. He would hold her until Aurora woke up, and then he would make sure Rowan stayed put. Then he would bring Aurora to bed with them and they could snuggle her while she chattered at them. Gavin would talk to her, telling her how interesting the conversation was, and she would squeal with happiness. 

Rowan would get to cuddle her two favourite people at once, and she would be warm and happy and so content.

Her eyes burned and she cracked them open, staring at her laptop screen, trying to will herself not to cry as she watched the time change from 11:59 to midnight. One more day until he was back. One more day. She could handle one more day without him.

Couldn’t she?

Sighing, she wiped her eyes and stood. She needed to shower and go to bed. Aurora never woke up any later than seven and Rowan needed to get some sleep.

She sniffled as she walked to the bathroom, Stella on her heels. She scratched behind Stella’s ears as she paused by the door.

“Are you keeping an eye on me?” She asked, smiling as Stella’s tail wagged.

Rowan crouched, hugging Stella as tears slipped down her face. “Thank you.”

Stella just kept wagging her tail, letting Rowan hug her for a few minutes. And when she peeled away to stand, Stella leapt forward, licking Rowan all over her face until she was laughing.

“Hey!” She cried, trying and failing to push her dog away. “Stella! Stella, sit!”

Stella did not sit, but after another moment she did step back, tail wagging as Rowan laughed, wiping her face.

“Alright,” Rowan said, standing. “I’m going to shower, alright?”

Stella made a small yip in affirmation before sitting at the door, tail still wagging as it swished across the floor.

Smiling just the tiniest bit, Rowan closed the bathroom door behind her. She peeled her clothes off, letting them fall into a heap in the corner as she stepped into the shower, turning the heat up nearly as far as it would go.

She drew the shower curtain closed, resting her head against the wall as the hot water beat against her. She was so tired, and she missed Gavin so much. How had she been able to do this before? How had she been able to go weeks without seeing him, without holding him in her arms.

The shower was too loud and she was too lost in her thoughts to hear the front door open. The water pounded against her head and shoulders, muffling the familiar footsteps making their way through the house, pausing in the kitchen before heading towards the bedroom. She didn’t even notice the laughter as Stella accosted him by the bathroom door, yapping in delight before he could reach for the door.

It wasn’t until the knock at the door came that Rowan was drawn from her thoughts. Gavin’s voice filled the room, and her heart ached, wondering if her tired mind was playing tricks on her.

“Rowan? Pumpkin it’s me, can I come in?”

She threw back the shower curtains, nearly losing her footing as she sprinted across the bathroom to the door. She yanked the door open and nearly burst into tears, Gavin standing on the other side of the door. He blinked, momentarily taken aback, but then he was smiling, drawing her against him.

“Gavin?” She asked, her voice cracking as she fell against him. “You’re home?”

He kissed her brow, humming in affirmation. “I missed you too much, so I came home a day early.”

“Is that okay? I don’t want you to get in trouble because of-”

“It’s more than okay,” he murmured, cutting her off before she could finish. “I haven’t seen my daughter or my beautiful wife in nearly a month. I think coming home a day earlier is fine.”

He kissed the top of her head, rubbing her back. “Not that I would really care, though. Nothing would stop me from coming home to you.”

Rowan squeezed her eyes shut, her hands balling in the material of his shirt as she tried desperately not to cry. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he said, his voice as soft as a feather.

“I missed you so much,” she repeated, her voice cracking again. She thought she was falling apart. “Gavin, I missed you so much.”

“Well I’m home now,” he breathed, his hand running over her hair. “And I’m not going anywhere for a while, okay?”

She nodded, sniffling. “Okay.”

He kissed the top of her head again, holding her tighter. “Now, I’ve had a long few days and I’m feeling a bit gross. Do you mind if I join you in the shower?”

Rowan shook her head vigorously. “I want to stay close to you.”

“Good,” he murmured. “I want to stay close to you, too.”

It was another moment before Rowan remembered that she would actually have to let go of her husband for him to take his clothes off.

She crossed her arms over her chest, turning away as he began peeling his clothes off.

“You know you don’t have to look away,” he said, the clink of his belt chasing after his words.

“I know,” she said, her cheeks growing hot. “I dunno, I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m sure you’re really tired.”

He chuckled, coming up behind her and pressing a kiss to the shell of her ear. “You could never.”

He took her hand, drawing her back to the shower, helping her in before following behind. He drew the curtain closed, cocooning them in their own little world, and Rowan couldn’t help clutching him again, unable to believe he was really here.

“I’m so happy you’re home,” she muttered, her voice muffled against his shoulder. “I didn’t want to go to sleep without you again.”

He hummed softly, rubbing her back while she held him. “Three weeks is too long. I won’t take another mission that long again.”

“Promise?”

His voice was a song as it danced in the small space. “I promise.”

She clutched him for a while longer, not caring how the hot water pounded against her side, how her hair stuck to the side of her face awkwardly, how the other half of her body had broken out in goosebumps as the cold air kissed her bare skin.

She just wanted to hold Gavin, wanted to hold her husband close and breathe him in and feel his heartbeat against her cheek and feel his skin against hers.

She desperately needed to be close to him.

Gavin hummed, his hand falling to her waist, trailing lower.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She mumbled, not bothering to move.

He chuckled. “I haven’t seen you in almost a month. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” she said, opening her eyes to glare up at him as his hand moved to the back of her thigh.

“I’ve just missed you so much.”

She pinched his side, earning a yelp as his hand returned to the small of her back.

“Hey,” he said, pulling away to pout at her.

“You’re kind of stinky,” she said, trying to disentangle herself from his arms. “We should probably clean you up.”

He pouted more, tugging at her arm. “Maybe I don’t want to wash yet.”

She peeked at him from over her shoulder as she reached for the shampoo. “Oh? And what do you want to do?”

His eyes grew dark, his cheeks and ears flushing.

She jabbed a finger against his chest. “No. You’re probably exhausted, and we’re leaving in a few days. You need your rest.”

She sighed, letting her hand fall. “And Aurora is going to be so excited to see you, she’ll probably want you to carry her around all day.”

He chuckled, pulling her back against his chest. “I could just nap with her.”

“You say that,” Rowan said slowly. “But she’s starting to kick in her sleep.”

“More than before she was born?”

Rowan frowned, remembering the painful afternoons before Aurora had been born, when she would start kicking almost incessantly, without end. Rowan had been sure her insides had been bruised from the assault of tiny feet.

“I’d say the same,” she admitted, shaking her head. “She kicked me in the face yesterday when I dozed off with her.”

Gavin cooed gently, stroking her face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” she said. “Although at the time I was scared and confused from being woken up so suddenly.”

He chuckled, kissing her cheek. “I can imagine you would have been.”

“I love her,” Rowan murmured, sinking back into Gavin’s embrace. “Even when she’s kicking me, I love her.”

“She reminds me of you,” Gavin said, his words nearly lost beneath the rush of the water.

Rowan scoffed. “She reminds me of you.”

“She talks a lot more than me.”

“She’s nearly as clingy as you.”

“You say that as if you’re not just as clingy.”

Rowan rolled her eyes. “You make a fair point.”

“And she’s beautiful,” Gavin continued, grinning as he hushed her before she could make another comment. “And she’s smart and she’s sweet, and you know when I bumped into the table she gave me a kiss to make me feel better. And her smile is the most beautiful thing in the world.”

Gavin kissed Rowan’s brow. “Just like yours, and just like you.”

Rowan snorted, but her face was growing hot, her heart overflowing with warmth and love.

He was so sweet, he was so kind and sweet and wonderful and he always made her so happy.

She hugged him again, scattering kisses all over his chest and his shoulder and his jaw, earning laughter that bordered on raucous.

“I love you,” she said between breaths. “I love you with all of my heart. I’m so glad you’re home.”

She stopped when Gavin’s laughter turned breathless, running her fingers through his damp hair as he regained control of himself.

“I’m glad I’m home too,” he wheezed, his head falling on her shoulder. “I’ve missed your kisses, too.”

She laughed, playing with his hair. “There’s more where those came from.”

He hummed. “I have no doubt.”

Gavin sighed then, straightening and staring at her seriously. “Although I think I’m realizing I may actually be a bit tired right now.”

Rowan plucked the shampoo from its spot on the little shelf in the shower. “How do some nice cuddles in your comfiest pajamas and a warm tea sound?”

“With you?” He asked, ducking his head as she lathered the shampoo in her hand before applying it to his hair. “That sounds like heaven.”

They chatted idly as they helped each other wash, until their fingers grew wrinkled and the water became lukewarm. Rowan shivered as she felt the water growing colder, slipping and falling against Gavin’s chest as she tried to escape the frigid deluge.

He laughed, switching the water off before it could turn icy, scooping her into his arms and throwing open the shower curtain.

“You know you don’t have to carry me,” she said, even as she nestled her head in the crook of his neck as he carried her from the bathroom. “I’m perfectly capable of walking.”

“I haven’t seen my beautiful wife in three weeks and you want me to put her down?” He asked, looking astonished. “She’s been taking care of our baby all by herself for almost a month. Shouldn’t she be the one getting taken care of now?”

Rowan rolled her eyes. “Well you’re the one who’s just got back from a long mission, and you’re about to have a birthday. Maybe you should be the one getting taken care of.”

Gavin shook his head. “No, definitely you.”

She would have snorted, but she paused when she saw an elegant black box wrapped with a fat, pink satin ribbon on the bed.

“Gavin,” she said slowly, pointing to it. “What’s that?”

He shrugged, setting Rowan on the bed beside the box. “Just a little something I bought that reminded me of you.”

Things that reminded Gavin of her could range from a particularly shiny rock he’d found on the ground to a quarter million dollar necklace that apparently he’d been perfectly comfortable buying without much thought.

Rowan narrowed her eyes, running a hand over the ribbon.

“Open it,” Gavin said, the corners of his lips curling up into a smile as he opened a drawer in their dresser. “Tell me what you think.”

She untied the ribbon as Gavin searched for their favourite pajamas, carefully lifting the lid of the box. The tissue paper underneath was a pale, baby pink, and it rustled softly as she unfolded it, revealing a beautiful pink dress.

She lifted it from its packaging, taking in all the details of the dress.

The three-quarter sleeves, the soft ribbons that laced up the front, the delicate embroidery all over the bodice, the way the overlapping skirt made it look like flower petals, the gauzy underskirt that gave it a slight poof.

The material was soft to the touch, and she knew it would feel wonderful against her skin.

“Gavin,” she chided, lowering the dress, the skirt pooling over her lap. “Gavin, this is too much.”

He arched a brow, her pajamas in his hand as he walked towards her. “You don’t like it?”

She shook her head, her eyes burning. “No, I love it.”

His shoulders relaxed, and he smiled, his eyes soft. “You love it?”

Her heart fluttered, like it was made of diaphanous butterfly wings from just that one smile. “I do, I think it’s beautiful.”

He pressed a kiss to her brow. “I’m sure it’ll be even more beautiful once you’re wearing it.”

She shook her head. “But this must have been so expensive, Gavin. You shouldn’t have spent that money on me.”

He shrugged. “I wanted to. I wanted to buy you something.”

She played with the corner of the dress’ ribbon. “But it’s your birthday soon. I should be the one buying you presents.”

He sat on the bed next to her, squeezing her hand. “Think of it as a gift for me. My wife is beautiful and I love seeing her in pretty things.” He kissed her neck, humming. “And I think that dress will look very pretty on her.”

Rowan giggled putting the dress back in its box as Gavin began trailing kisses up her jaw. “Okay, okay! I’ll wear it when we go out.”

He pressed a kiss to the corner of her lips, smiling. “I can’t wait.”

“Thank you, babey,” she murmured, turning to face him fully, her heart aching as she saw the full force of his starlit smile. “It’s beautiful, thank you.”

He brushed his lips against hers once, twice. “But not nearly as beautiful as you.”

Rowan laughed, letting him pull her into a tight embrace before she grabbed her pajamas to get dressed.

“Why don’t you get comfy in bed,” she said, straightening her shirt as she turned towards him. “And I’ll go boil the kettle and get you a little snack.”

Gavin bobbed his head, already moving the box from the bed and throwing back the quilt. “But you’ll be back soon?”

“I’ll be back before you know it, and then you’ll be stuck with me clinging to you.”

His answering smile was so soft, so warm, that she didn’t want to go at all. She wanted to wrap herself in his arms and stay curled up with him forever.

His eyes shone, as if sensing her thoughts. “I would love nothing more.”

***

When Aurora found out the next day that her daddy had come home two days early she had been more excited than Rowan had seen her in a while.

Gavin ended up toting their baby around all day, Aurora practically glued to him as she chattered wordlessly throughout the day. She cried when he tried to put her down, and he did end up falling asleep with her curled against his chest.

And Gavin woke up to Aurora kicking him too, a moment Rowan made sure she caught on video to share with him later, after the bruise Aurora had given his ribs healed.

She was still cradled in his arms when her eyes grew so heavy that she could not keep them open any longer. And yet she still whined when he tried to nestle her into her crib, forcing her eyes open even as they fell closed again.

“It’s okay to go to sleep,” Gavin cooed, bouncing gently as he paced through her room. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“She doesn’t want to wake up and see that you’re gone,” Rowan said, watching him from the doorway with a small smile dancing across her lips. “She’s missed you so much.”

Rowan’s heart ached as Gavin cooed again, brushing back Aurora’s soft, downy hair. He leaned down, kissing her chubby cheeks as she whined, her little hands grasping at Gavin’s shirt.

“I can definitely relate,” she murmured, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned against the doorjamb, her heart feeling soft and warm.

Gavin looked up at her, his eyes shining like twin stars in the shadows of the nursery. “I’ll make sure to make it up to you both.”

Rowan smiled wider. “No morning run for the next few days. I want to cuddle you until Aurora makes us get up.”

“And maybe even after?” He asked, his brows arching up just slightly.

Rowan shrugged, imagining their usual routine when Gavin had a day off, and he was willing to sleep in past 7am. He would take Aurora out of her crib when she woke up, changing her diaper and sometimes feeding her something small before bringing her back to their room and tucking her into bed between them.

Aurora would curl up in the middle of the bed, gurgling and cooing while the two of them dozed. Sometimes she would fall back to sleep, and sometimes she would crawl all over them, but they were always moments that Rowan cherished, even if a very tiny foot smacked her in the face or Aurora yanked on her hair.

“I would like that,” she said, drawn from her memories as Gavin pecked a quick kiss to her cheek. “I would like that a lot.”

He kissed her a second time, sighingh. “You don’t have to wait for me, you know. I’ll be in bed as soon as I can.”

“I want to be here,” she said, reaching up to straighten Gavin’s messy bangs. “I kind of love watching you take care of Aurora.”

There was more to it than that, but she couldn’t quite put it into words. Seeing Gavin gently holding their daughter, murmuring soft words to her as she grew drowsy in his arms, the look of panic that swept over him every time she started to whine when he set her down, way his face became so soft as he gazed down at Aurora’s little face, as he took one of her tiny hands and kissed it.

It made her feel so warm, like there was sunlight in her veins, like the love in her heart was more boundless than the sky and all the stars that glowed within it.

And it made her feel soft, like she was being wrapped in her favourite blanket, like her love was gauzy and light, curling around her like a spring breeze.

Seeing his smile, watching him take care of their daughter so tenderly, holding her tight all day, holding her now still so she knew she was safe and loved by her daddy, made her feel so soft, so full of love.

Gavin was such a wonderful father, such a wonderful husband.

She loved him so very much.

After another few minutes of Gavin humming gentle lullabies, Aurora’s fists fell from his shirt, curling against her body as her chest rose and fell in an even rhythm.

Rowan could tell Gavin was holding his breath as he settled Aurora into her crib, moving his hands slowly from beneath her so he didn’t disturb her.

She had to cover her mouth to stop herself from giggling as he crept backwards; her tall, muscled husband tiptoeing away from Aurora’s crib, wincing at every creak beneath his feet.

He sighed as he finally made it out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

Rowan wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her face against his back, breathing him in, letting his warmth seep into her heart for a moment. “I hope you know that was the cutest thing I have ever seen.”

He chuckled, his hand covering hers. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.”

She snorted, peeling away so he could turn around, so she could see his wonderful, precious face.

“So, I know Aurora monopolized all your cuddle time today,” Rowan said slowly, reaching out to take Gavin’s hands. “But I was wondering… If you’re not completely hugged-out, if you would want to cuddle with me?”

Gavin lifted her hands, brushing kisses across her knuckles. “I always want that, pumpkin.”

“Always?” She asked, her voice cracking as she bounced on her toes, delight warming her all the way to her toes knowing she was just moments from snuggling with her favourite person.

“Always,” he repeated, his arms circling her waist and lifting her into the air. “I always want to cuddle with you, and hold you tight.”

She pressed her face against his neck, grinning like a fool as he carried her back to their room, so they could snuggle until they grew drowsy, and fall asleep tangled in each other’s arms.

***

The next two days went by in a blur of packing bags and Gavin helping Rowan prepare and freeze food before they left, and Rowan kicking Gavin out into the backyard with Stella and Aurora while she wrapped the last of his presents.

He’d spotted the cake she’d made and tried tucking away, and even though she’d argued that he deserved much better, he’d still insisted on bringing it along to the cottage.

“I like your cakes best,” he’d said, taking the covered cake container from her hands and adding it to the top of the pile of food she’d laid out on the kitchen table. “And I want this one for my birthday.”

She would have argued more, but it was his birthday, so she supposed he could have his way.

They drove out to the cottage in the late afternoon of the 27th, playing children’s songs and listening to Aurora babble for almost the entire four hour drive.

Rowan’s arms were aching from how often she’d reached back to hold Aurora’s hands when she’d started whining, crying soft ‘mama’s when she had a bad dream during a nap, or didn’t like a song, or saw a colour of car she didn’t like.

They pulled over a few times, once to take Stella out and change Aurora’s diaper, another to check out a beautiful view from a mountainside, and another because Aurora had been crying louder than the music and they’d needed a break from the sounds bouncing through the small space of the car.

But despite all that, once they reached the cottage, Aurora fell asleep almost immediately, completely tired out from their little adventure.

It had made unpacking the car and all their things incredibly easy. All they’d done was tuck Aurora into the travel crib they’d brought along, and then head out to retrieve the rest of their things.

That night they’d both slept soundly too, lulled to sleep by the sound of the night wind rustling through the trees that surrounded the cottage, and the distant crash of ocean waves.

“Is there a beach nearby?” Rowan had asked, her mind hazy as she’d struggled to remain conscious, the warmth of the blankets and Gavin’s arms around her making her drowsier than she’d felt in weeks.

He’d hummed, giving her a sleepy kiss. “I think there’s a little trail that will take us down to a private beach.”

She’d wanted to say they should go down there sometime, let Aurora wander through the sand and splash her feet in the surf. But before Rowan could say a word she had fallen into unconsciousness, safely wrapped in Gavin’s arms.

***

They awoke early the next day, Aurora’s cries cutting through the quiet morning air.

Gavin was up before Rowan even understood why she was hearing crying, still half-asleep and tangled in her dreams.

Gavin returned moments later, cradling a sleepy Aurora, her cheeks still red from crying.

“Just a dirty diaper,” Gavin clarified, settling Aurora in Rowan’s arms. “But she’s all clean now, right?”

Aurora gurgled in response, a small smile on her lips as she snuggled against Rowan’s chest.

Rowan pressed a kiss to Aurora’s head as she fell back to sleep, murmuring quietly as she curled into an even tighter ball.

“Look at this,” Rowan breathed, gesturing at Aurora with her chin. “Look at how she sleeps.”

Gavin grinned, climbing back into bed and pulling the blankets back up. “She sleeps just like you.”

Rowan frowned. “I do not turn into a ball while I sleep.”

He scoffed, rolling onto his side. “I have photo evidence to prove it. From all the nights I would come home late and see you curled into a ball hugging whatever new stuffed animal I’d bought you.”

She pouted, considering the ramifications of trying to smack him. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Not at all,” he said, his answering smile soft and warm. “I thought you were adorable, and you always looked so comfortable. It made me want to curl up in your arms.”

He kissed her cheek, his arm wrapping around her waist. “Although I always want to be in your arms.”

She pressed a kiss to his brow, the corners of her lips pulling into a smile. “I’ll happily hold you for as long as you want.”

Gavin closed his eyes, nestling closer to her. “Forever?”

She kissed him again, feeling content to be curled up beside him, their baby in her arms. “Forever.”

They dozed off for a while longer, nestled together beneath the blankets as the sun slowly began to rise, gilding the world in gold. They didn’t stir until Aurora began squirming in Rowan’s arms, babbling loudly as she crawled from Rowan to Gavin, then back again. She giggled when they made funny faces at her, burying her face in the blankets to hide before peeking up to see if their expressions had changed.

Gavin grabbed Aurora, hefting her into the air as he stood, his drowsiness ebbing away with every airplane noise he made as he swooped Aurora through the air.

“What do you say we get some breakfast, little princess?” He asked, his question almost drowned out by Aurora’s laughter. “We can have pancakes, or waffles, and mommy brought lots of fruit!”

Aurora squealed, waving her arms through the air as Gavin stood, lifting her higher. If she heard his question at all she didn’t give any indication, too busy pretending she was the world’s smallest airplane.

Rowan got up after them, taking the giggling, rosy-cheeked Aurora from Gavin’s arms when she started making grabby hands at Rowan, covering her little face in kisses while she laughed.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, babey,” Rowan said, grinning at Aurora as she babbled at them. “It’s your birthday tomorrow, so you can pick out what we have.”

Gavin smiled, kissing the top of Rowan’s head. “I want whatever will make you both happy.”

She rolled her eyes, feigning annoyance at the non-answer he’d given her. “Alright, well how about waffles and pancakes?”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea to me.”

It was a wonderful idea, although it quickly grew messy as they traded Aurora between them while mixing the batters and cooking. Somehow they all ended up with flour on them, even little Aurora, although neither Rowan or Gavin could figure out how. And yet flour was caked to her cheeks and fell from her downy hair like the first, gentle snow of the season.

“So what do you want to do today?” Rowan asked, wiping Aurora’s cheek while she tried cramming a piece of syrupy pancake into her mouth. “We could just hang out here, maybe check out the little private beach you said isn’t too far away.”

Gavin hummed, setting another waffle down on Rowan’s plate. “I think there’s a town not too far away with a pier. We could check that out first.” his eyes grew soft as Aurora, not so subtly, dropped a piece of pancake for Stella. “Maybe there will be something Aurora loves.”

“That’s a wonderful idea,” she said, reaching over to squeeze Gavin’s hand.

After breakfast they had a sizable clean-up, and even after they were done with the dishes and cleaning the splattered syrup from the table and the floor they still somehow found flour and bits of dried batter in little corners and underneath the counter and even in Stella’s fur.

“We can clean that up later,” Gavin said, shrugging. “I want to spend the day having fun with my family.”

She let him usher her back to the cottage’s master bedroom, sunshine pouring in from the windowed doors that led out onto a little balcony. The whole room was painted in shades of gold and yellow and white, and she squinted, turning back around to face Gavin as he was setting Aurora on the bed.

The light twined through his hair, turning it to a burnished red and gold. It danced in his eyes, turning the usual warm golden-brown to starfire. His features were painted in light and sunshine, and for a moment she felt breathless.

He was handsome, so stunning sometimes that it hurt, but she saw his face so often, saw so many different expressions cross his beautiful face, saw him with drool down his face and his cheek smushed against the pillow so often, that sometimes she forgot just how breathtakingly beautiful he was.

Gavin arched a brow as he caught her staring, smirking as she realized that she had been staring.

“What is it, sweetheart?” He asked, not taking his eyes off of her even as he dressed Aurora, tying up the little bows at the side of her fluffy blue dress.

Rowan coughed, her face burning. “I was just…”

She trailed off, not knowing what to say or even how to say it. His smirk only grew wider as she struggled to find her voice, and her face only grew hotter and hotter, until she was sure she was about to burst into flame.

She’d been married to Gavin for years. She’d seen him naked on countless occasions. She’d seen him naked yesterday. How was it possible for him to make her feel so flustered?

“You just look really handsome,” she finally managed to say, her voice coming out in little more than a squeak.

Gavin coughed, his ears turning pink, the colour slowly washing over his cheeks and reaching below the collar of his shirt.

Her heart ached, and she wanted to reach out and cover his face in kisses.

Which is exactly what she did, earning a delighted gasp of laughter from Gavin. Aurora’s squeals joined the cacophony as she heard Gavin snorting with laughter.

“What was that for?” Gavin asked, gasping for breath as Aurora babbled, stumbling over the bed and peeking over the side to wave at Stella.

Rowan shrugged. “I just wanted to give you some kisses.”

The scarlet flush that stained his face grew deeper, seeping down his neck and below his shirt.

“I love you,” she said, cupping his cheek with one hand. “You look incredibly handsome today.”

He covered her hand with his, leaning into her palm. “And you look beautiful, too.”

“I haven’t even changed out of my pajamas yet.”

He shrugged. “And yet you always look beautiful.”

She would have said more if Aurora hadn’t shrieked, tumbling back on the pillows as Stella leapt onto the bed, licking their baby’s face.

Gavin pressed a kiss to Rowan’s cheek before she could move. “You’re beautiful, always. No arguments, pumpkin.”

She pouted as he shooed Stella from the bed, scooping Aurora into his arms again. She did want to argue more; she thought she looked like a mess, with flour stuck to her clothes and her hair unbrushed and her pajamas wrinkled.

But Gavin just cradled Aurora, flicking his eyes towards the box Rowan had left the fancy dress in, terrified of wrinkling it. “We’ll go and play for a little bit. Why don’t you get changed, okay sweetheart?”

He left before she could say a word, his wordless request clear.

Fifteen minutes later Rowan emerged from the room, smoothing her hands over the skirt of the dress. The dress poofed out from her waist thanks to the underskirt, and the material was soft as a breath against her skin. She hardly even noticed how fitted the bodice was, how the ribbon at the front pulled the material taut.

She fiddled with her hair, trying to readjust the band of flowers she’d set on her head.

She’d had a gold and pink band with a gauzy ribbon that held it in place, and she’d known it would be perfect to wear with the flower dress Gavin had gifted her. But she’d put the band on far too hastily, and loose strands of hair had stuck out at odd angles, and the ribbon had managed to get stuck in a lock of her hair.

“Gavin,” she called, wandering through the unfamiliar halls of the cottage. “Babey, could you help me please?”

“Just out here!” Gavin called, his voice like a tether drawing her towards the porch behind the cottage.

She found Gavin sitting on the porch, playing with Aurora, smiling at her as she held up a plush horse and set it in his lap. The sunlight danced in their matching eyes, and Rowan felt like she was peering up at glittering stars as both her husband and daughter turned to look at her.

“I was wondering if you could help me?” She asked, gesturing to the hairband. “It’s stuck.”

Gavin’s expression was soft, his cheeks rosy as he stood, holding his hands out. “Of course. Turn around?”

She did, pulling her hair to the side to expose her neck and the offending ribbon.

“You know my hair was so pretty until this mess happened.”

Gavin tsked softly, undoing the knot with deft fingers. “It still looks pretty.”

“Oh please.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” he said, taking her shoulders and turning her around gently. “I would never lie to you, Rowan, not ever.”

She nodded, taken aback by the sincerity in his voice.

“You look beautiful,” he murmured, leaning close to catch her lips with his. “You look like you’re made of magic.”

Her cheeks grew warm, and she found herself entirely at a loss for words.

Gavin scooped Aurora back up, kissing her rosy cheeks before taking Rowan’s hand, grinning. “Well? Do you want to head out?”

It took her a moment to remember their plans, his gentle words incandescent as they danced through her mind, everything else fading away.

“Rowan?”

She blinked, his hand and his voice dragging her back from her thoughts, from the enchantment his simple words had cast over her.

“Yes, let’s head out,” she said at last, squeezing his hand in response.

The drive was barely more than a few minutes, the small town Gavin had mentioned quickly coming into view.

It was houses, mostly, but the more they drove the more shops appeared. Streets lined with colourful storefronts bloomed around them, people wandering along the sidewalk dressed in colourful shirts and dresses, some carrying umbrellas to avoid the sun, others wearing floppy hats and sunglasses nearly the size of their faces.

Rowan caught sight of people wearing little more than bathing suits appearing from behind a shop, and drew Gavin’s attention towards it. “Hey! Babey, you said you thought there was a pier, didn’t you? Maybe the water is just over there.”

Gavin hummed, steering them towards a wide parking lot, half-filled with cars and screaming children and people weighed down with shopping bags.

“Let’s see what’s here,” he said, taking the keys from the ignition. “I think there might be some cute things you’ll like.”

“But will there be things you like?” She asked, squeezing his hand.

“I like spending my time with you,” he said, lifting her hand and pressing a kiss to her palm, just below her wedding ring. “That’s all I want to do today.”

Rowan sighed, her heart warm as Gavin let go of her hand. “You’re such a dork.”

“I know.”

They extricated Aurora’s stroller from the trunk, buckling her in before heading out towards the little shops.

The passed by different clothing stores at first, the first few seeming more like tourist traps than anything, with keychains and magnets displayed in the centre of the store. But then they found themselves before a chocolate and ice cream shop, and how could any of them say no to that?

Aurora wiggled in her stroller seat, gurgling with delight when she realized what the shop was. She held her arms out, pointing at all the colourful candies and toys and sweets that lined the walls of the shop.

Gavin plucked a box wrapped in delicate pink paper, a sparkly red ribbon tied over the corners. Aurora pointed to it, grinning wide when Gavin lifted the box.

“Do you think this is pretty?” He asked, waving the box in front of her.

She reached forward, the straps of the stroller growing taut as she tried to grab the box from his hands.

“What is it?” Rowan asked, peeking over Gavin’s shoulder, a stuffed, pink wolf in her hands.

He shrugged, holding the box towards her. “I’m not sure, but Aurora seems to like it.”

Aurora whined in answer, wiggling her fingers as Rowan took the box.

Rowan looked at the display Gavin had found it on, small stuffed animals perched around the small stacks of similarly wrapped boxes.

“I think it’s a box of chocolates with a stuffed animal in the box.”

Gavin arched a brow. “I think you both have the same taste.”

Rowan pursed her lips. “What do you mean?”

He pointed to the wolf in her hands. “You both love stuffed animals, and chocolate.”

She pouted, clutching the wolf to her chest. “Maybe I just thought he was cute.”

“He?” Gavin took the chocolate box and handed it to Aurora, clearly intent on buying it. “It’s a he?”

Rowan turned around, pouting more even as she heard Gavin chuckling behind her. “I just think it’s a he.”

He hummed, tugging on her arm until she turned back around. “And you want to get it, don’t you?”

“Maybe.”

His brow rose further and her shoulders slumped as she gave in to his teasing. “Yeah, I do want him.”

Gavin held out his hand, gently prying the wolf from her hands. “Consider him yours.”

“Hey! But it’s your birthday tomorrow, you should be the one getting gifts.”

“Getting to spend time with you and Aurora is the only gift I need,” he said simply, kissing Rowan’s cheek. “Now why don’t you help me pick out an ice cream for Aurora?”

They settled on a small bowl of strawberry and vanilla ice cream for Aurora, and then went to find a little bench to sit on while they had their snack. Aurora’s face lit up as they took turns spooning her small scoops of the dessert, giggling when either of them made airplane noises or flew the spoon in the air before she took a bite. She tried taking the spoon from Gavin’s hand, nearly flicking a small glob of ice cream onto his shirt, and he smiled at her, so warmly that Rowan was amazed the ice cream didn’t melt completely right there.

“You want me to get you a napkin?” She asked, digging through the diaper bag, trying to remember which pocket she’d tucked spare napkins and cloths into, in case Aurora ever had a spill while they were out.

Gavin nodded. “I would, but it’s okay, take your time, pumpkin. It’s just a little ice cream.”

Aurora squealed in agreement, successfully taking the spoon from Gavin’s hand while he was distracted. She dug it into the ice cream and jammed a massive scoop into her mouth, her entire expression changing as the cold overtook her tiny mouth.

“Oh no,” Rowan cried, trying very hard not to laugh as Aurora’s nose wrinkled, her little hands flapping as she struggled, waiting for her mouth to warm up.

“Little princess, that was too big of a bite,” Gavin cooed, prying the spoon from her hand.

Rowan kissed Aurora’s head, humming as she tried to soothe her. “You just need some kisses, don’t you?”

Aurora whined, her eyes squeezed shut as she squirmed in her stroller.

Gavin pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Mommy says kisses will help, so we should trust her.”

A few minutes later and Aurora’s whines finally subsided, although the tears in the corners of her eyes did streak down her face, and she held her arms out to Rowan, whimpering until she was extricated from the stroller and cradled in Rowan’s lap.

“You know you’re awfully spoiled,” she chided, even as Aurora curled up in her arms, seeming to sigh in contentment.

Gavin chuckled, taking one of Aurora’s hands and swinging it side-to-side. “She knows she’s loved.”

“She is,” Rowan sang, peppering kisses over her daughter’s face. “She’s loved and she knows how precious she is to us.”

“We’d better eat our ice cream too,” Gavin said, dropping Aurora’s hand to lean back, peering at the little cups of ice cream they’d gotten for each other.

“At this point we could probably just drink it,” she said, trying to peek over him to where the ice creams were. “Have they melted completely?”

Gavin shook his head, holding up the two little bowls, the scoops of ice cream still mostly in-tact. “No, but they’re starting to.”

Rowan kissed Aurora’s head again. “That’s okay, Aurora’s more important than ice cream anyways.”

He chuckled, scooting closer, Rowan’s bowl of cotton candy flavoured ice cream in his hand. “You’re important too.”

“Well so are you,” she said, looking up at him. “You’re so important to me, Gavin.”

“And you’re important to me.”

Her face warmed, and she couldn’t help smiling, couldn’t help the way she felt like she was melting as she stared into the warmth of his gaze.

“You’re so sweet,” she said, resting her cheek against his shoulder. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“You were yourself,” he murmured, brushing her bangs back. “You were you, and that’s all you needed to be.”

“You’re such a dork.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you more.”

She would have argued, would have told him that she absolutely loved him more, but he tapped the top of her head gently. “Do you want your ice cream?”

She nodded, straightening as she tried to figure out how to balance Aurora in her lap and take the small bowl from Gavin.

But he was already ahead of her, the spoon hovering a few inches from her face.

“What are you doing?” She asked, quirking a brow wryly.

“I’m helping,” he answered, moving the spoon a bit closer. “Your arms are full, so I’m helping.”

“I do know how to eat ice cream without giving myself a brain freeze,” she said, her tone amused as he continued peering at her with wide, hopeful eyes.

“But you don’t have to,” he said. “I can help, and then you don’t need to put Aurora down.”

She peered down at where Aurora was snuggled against her chest, babbling to herself as she played with Rowan’s necklace.

“I know you love cuddling her,” he said, and Rowan’s heart melted a little more.

Because of course he was right, she loved cuddling Aurora. She hated putting her down, even if it was just for the barest of moments. And she knew that even if she set Aurora down in the stroller in front of them, that her arms would feel cold and empty, even as their daughter giggled and chattered less than a foot away.

“Okay,” she said, conceding. “Okay, if you really want to.”

He grinned wider, and Rowan took a bite of the ice cream, doing her best not to laugh at how happy he looked. “You don’t need to look so excited, babey.”

He shrugged. “I just think you look adorable.”

Heat flooded across her face, crawling along her skin like flames, threatening to combust.

“I don’t think I look that-”

He hushed her with another scoop of ice cream, and she pouted at him around the spoon in her mouth. “It’s my birthday tomorrow, so you have to agree with me.”

She stuck her bottom lip out more, earning a laugh as he set the bowl down on the bench beside him for a moment. “Don’t pout, pumpkin.”

“Why not?”

He smiled, mischief flickering across his face. “If you do, I might have to do something about it.”

She took a stuttering breath as he quickly leaned forward, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke again. “Something that will have to wait until we get back to the cottage.”

Her stomach somersaulted, butterflies taking flight in her chest at the way his voice dipped low, at how his hand rested on her thigh, at how warm his breath was as it twined with hers.

She parted her lips, wanting to feel him, wanting to feel herself enveloped by his warmth.

He chuckled, but he obliged, tilting his head to the side as he closed the last of the space between them. She couldn’t help sighing as his hand cradled the back of her head, pulling her closer as his tongue grazed her bottom lip, her teeth, her tongue.

It was far too short and far too chaste for her liking, although it did leave her with her heart warmed, like a small, cozy fire had been lit within her chest, warming her all the way down to the tips of her fingers and her toes.

She whined a bit when he pulled away, but Gavin only chuckled, smoothing her hair back.

“We can continue later,” he breathed. “I promise.”

They sat there for a while, Aurora switching hands when Rowan finished her ice cream so Gavin could eat his. It was halfway melted, but he smiled every time Rowan held up the dripping spoon, even if some of it dripped onto his chin before he could catch it.

When they were done and their cups were stacked together and Aurora was wiggling from all the sugar in the ice cream, they returned to their wandering, peeking into the shops that lined the road. Aurora was full of energy, and she squirmed in her seat, waving her hands as she pointed at different dogs, stumbling over Stella’s name every time a new dog came into view.

Stella would trot up beside the stroller, doing her best to nuzzle Aurora before moving back to remain at Rowan’s side, her tail wagging and tongue lolling as strangers offered her smiles and small head scritches.

There was a toy store that they had to go into, with an entire wall of pink plush animals that made Aurora squeal as she tried to escape from the stroller, stumbling up to the lowest shelf and reaching for a stuffed bunny nearly as big as she was.

Gavin’s expression was full of bemusement as he held out a stuffed pumpkin with a little winky face to Rowan.

“What’s this?” She asked, even though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer as she took it from his hands.

“It’s you,” he said, his eyes sparkling.

She pouted, turning to walk away abruptly, staring hard at a shelf of pretty fashion dolls that her fingers itched to hold.

“Don’t be mad, pumpkin,” he said, but she could still hear the teasing lilt in his voice.

“I’m not mad,” she said, still not looking at him.

He hummed, as if he didn’t believe her, and she felt his hand brush against the one still clutching the stuffed pumpkin. “I can put this back if you want.”

She turned around then, clutching it close to her chest. “But it’s so cute!”

His answering smirk was all the evidence she needed that he’d known she would say that.

“If you want it, then it’s yours,” he said, kissing her cheek. “Besides, our daughter has already picked out five toys she wants.”

They ended up managing to talk Aurora down from the seven toys she’d picked, adding two more to the count while Gavin had teased Rowan, to just two. One was the massive stuffed bunny she’d seen seconds after walking into the store, the other a princess playset with soft animal figures.

She was grinning ear-to-ear, clutching her stuffed bunny as they wheeled her around. She held it up to Gavin as they paused before a dress store, waving it like she wanted him to hold it.

Gavin ended up walking next to the stroller, trading hands with Rowan so she could push Aurora and Gavin could walk Stella, his other hand occupied with holding the stuffed bunny’s hand while Aurora held its other hand.

Rowan couldn’t stop smiling, snapping a few pictures as Gavin nodded his head while Aurora babbled at him, gurgling and kicking her legs out as she talked at him.

They weaved through different stores, filled with hats and essential oils and handmade soaps and beautiful dresses with flowy skirts that trailed through the air like petals in the breeze.

The little basket beneath Aurora’s stroller quickly became loaded down with bags from the different shops they wandered through. A little case of essential oils for the diffuser at home, handpicked lavender that Rowan wanted to dry, flowery teas that made them smile when they smelled them, toys Aurora had desperately wanted. A few new dresses for Rowan, ones that had made Gavin beam with a smile full of light and sunshine when she’d tried them on. New shirts for Gavin, made with a material so soft that Rowan wanted to cuddle with them. A pair of earrings for Gavin with little jewels that glinted like sunlight over the ocean. Matching necklaces for the both of them because Gavin had smiled so warmly when the shopkeeper had said they were to symbolize everlasting love.

They passed by a small flower shop, and had ended up buying a bouquet of flowers that Aurora clutched to her chest, patting gently every now and again. She seemed completely content to talk to the roses and foxgloves while they wheeled her into a little café with a bookstore attached, not even noticing the display of sweets as she sniffed a white lily.

“We probably shouldn’t get her anything too sweet,” Rowan admitted, leaning her cheek against Gavin’s shoulder. “Or she’ll be bouncing off the walls all night.”

He shrugged. “I mean we are on vacation, and we want her to see the meteor shower, don’t we?”

She hummed, perusing the drink menu. “That’s true. But we don’t want her to go to bed too late. She’ll still wake up at the crack of dawn.”

He kissed her cheek. “Then I’ll just bring her into bed with us and we can cuddle her while we sleep.”

Rowan smiled, reaching out to squeeze his hands. “You always have all the answers, babey.”

He kissed her again. “That’s not true, but I do like knowing how to make you and Aurora happy.”

They ended up ordering a hot chocolate for Aurora and a little piece of a crumbly chocolate cake that got all over the stroller as she tried stuffing the pieces into her mouth with her hands.

Gavin found them a corner table next to a bookshelf that advertised fantasy novels, setting down the drinks and small snacks they’d purchased as Rowan wiggled Aurora’s stroller as close as she could to the table.

Rowan welcomed the short rest, practically sighing in relief as she sat down, taking the weight off her aching feet.

“Are you okay?” Gavin asked, squeezing her hand. “Are you tired?”

She nodded, taking a sip of her drink, smiling as Aurora happily smashed some of the cake against the tray on her stroller. “A little tired.”

“Do you want to head back to the cottage?” He asked, his voice tinged with worry.

But Rowan shook her head, even as her feet throbbed. “The sun is still up, and there’s still more we haven’t explored. We still haven’t found that pier you mentioned.”

He smiled, squeezing her hand again. “You’re sure? This is the most walking you’ve done since before Aurora was born.”

It was the unfortunate truth. Although she’d tried being more active once her entire body had stopped hurting and she could go to the bathroom without crying, she still hadn’t been nearly as active as she had before Aurora’s birth.

She’d been on her feet a lot, certainly, running around the house trying to get food for Aurora and take care of Stella, taking Aurora and Stella for regular walks so they got outside and got fresh air. But she’d also been so doted on by Gavin that she had hardly done anything for months. He’d stayed home for months, helping to clean the house and cook as best as he could, to take Aurora from Rowan when she’d needed a nap or time to herself.

Their little adventure today was the first time she’d been on her feet for such a long period of time, and her body was starting to feel it. Her feet ached and her ankles felt a little swollen, and she was sweating from the summer heat.

But she didn’t want to go, not yet. Not when Gavin’s smile was like her favourite song, when she was having so much fun spending the day with their family.

He must have read it in her eyes, because his expression softened, and he lifted her hand to press a kiss to her palm.

“Alright,” he said. “But before we go out again we should look around this bookstore.”

She smiled. “Is there anything you’re looking for?”

He shrugged. “Not really. But looking around with you is fun.”

And it was fun. After her feet had stopped aching and Aurora had decimated her cake, they got up, strolling idly through the little bookstore. They found books filled with glossy pictures of the stars, of different houseplants and instructions on how to care for them, and Rowan very gently pulled them from Gavin’s hands, intent on buying them for her husband.

He loved space, was practically a star himself from all the light and warmth that radiated from him. And although he loved his plants, he had the exact opposite of a green thumb.

Maybe a book with instructions on how to take care of his cacti would help.

Gavin grinned as they passed through her favourite sections, plucking books from the shelves and holding them out to her like an offering. His grin turned smug whenever she cracked open the book before tucking it under her arm, also intent on buying the books he’d picked for her.

It made her heart warm, made her so warm. It made her feel so loved and precious that she could hardly put it into words. They way he knew exactly the types of books she liked best. They way he could pick out books for her that she would like. The way he seemed so happy when she added them to her little pile.

She just loved him. Loved how much he cared about even the smallest aspects of her, the littlest things that made her happy.

Once Aurora went to bed he was going to get so many kisses, she would make sure of that.

She plucked a few science fiction books from the shelves, offering them to Gavin, and he took them, kissing the top of her head.

This made her warm too, knowing the things he loved, the types of stories that he loved.

The stroller was nearly too heavy to push by the time they made it back onto the sidewalk, the sky filled with fire as the sun began its descent towards the horizon.

They wandered for a bit longer, the air turning blessedly cool as evening inched closer, and it was when they stopped into a little store to purchase a small bottle of a local liquor that they noticed the ramp onto the little boardwalk that led to a pier.

There were colourful lights flickering at the end of the pier, and Rowan had to squint her eyes to make out what it was.

“Do you wanna go see what that is?” She asked, pointing to the lights in the distance.

Gavin nodded, gently pushing her away from the stroller and handing her Stella’s leash. “I do.”

They walked along the boardwalk, the cool ocean breeze a balm against Rowan’s heated cheeks. She’d known she was hot, but she hadn’t realized just how much her temperature had spiked while they’d walked. She imagined her cheeks to be as red as an overripe tomato in the middle of the summer.

Waves lapped against the boardwalk, tiny droplets of water raining over their feet. Gavin pointed out a pair of otters bobbing in the waves further out, and Aurora squealed when she saw them, waving as if they would notice her.

They were halfway down the pier when Rowan realized that the lights were a part of a small ferris wheel.

She nudged Gavin, her heart aching as she remembered all the little moments they had shared together in ferris wheels before this. The warmth she felt being squished so close to him in the little seats, getting to see the world, feeling like she could touch the sky, like she was already amongst the stars with him beside her.

He smiled, as if reading her thoughts. “We should take Aurora on it.”

She peered down at Stella and their stroller. “What about our things?”

He shrugged. “We can tie Stella to a post and leave her with the stroller. I doubt anyone will take anything with her guarding it.”

He kissed her cheek, as if sensing the unease that still lingered in her heart. “Besides, I’ll be able to see if someone does and catch them immediately.”

She relaxed against him, nodding as his words eased her. It was true, she could trust and rely on him.

The crowds were already thinning, and they didn’t have to wait for very long to board the ferris wheel, Aurora staring at the little enclosed carriage in awe as an operator closed the door.

They both stifled laughter as they watched her gasp as the ferris wheel started to move, lifting them into the air.

She clutched Gavin on instinct, as if she thought there was no way they could be moving towards the sky unless her daddy was the one flying.

He laughed, kissing the top of her head as the world grew smaller beneath them. “What do you think, little princess? Does it feel like we’re flying?”

She babbled, stumbling over the word “flying” in between calling out “dada” over and over as they lifted higher into the air.

She looked up right as they reached the top of the wheel, gasping softly, and Rowan couldn’t help kissing Aurora’s cheek as she stared in awe at the world.

“I think we might have blown her mind,” Rowan teased, smoothing back Aurora’s messy hair.

Gavin chuckled. “You know she’s more amazed by this than she was when I actually flew with her.”

There were so few people that they were allowed to ride the ferris wheel a few more times, pointing to the sky as the sun’s fire slowly ebbed, flecks of light beginning to glitter beneath the darkening blue.

Rowan cuddled up against Gavin, feeling warm and happy, completely at peace sitting in this little carriage beside him, with Aurora crawling over the both of them, still gaping at the world.

“What are you thinking of?” Gavin asked, running a hand through her hair.

“I’m thinking that I love you, that I love our family.”

“That’s funny,” he said, curling the ends of her hair around his fingers. “I was just thinking the same thing.”

Dusk had fallen across the world when they emerged from the carriage, Aurora still staring up at the sky as if they would somehow levitate up towards the sky even outside of the ferris wheel.

They did not, although it didn’t stop her from craning her neck upwards as they carried her back to where they had parked their stroller and Stella.

“See?” Gavin said, gesturing to the stroller smugly. “I told you nothing would happen.”

“Yes yes, you’re very smart Captain Gavin,” Rowan said, rolling her eyes.

He knelt as Rowan buckled Aurora back into the stroller, scratching Stella’s head. “You kept our things nice and safe, didn’t you?”

Stella made a small yip sound, as if in agreement, and Gavin straightened, still beaming. “I knew she would keep our stuff safe.”

“Well she always keeps us safe when you’re away,” Rowan said, running a hand over Stella’s head.

Aurora’s shrieks drew their attention from Stella, both of them whirling around, panic seizing Rowan’s heart.

Was she okay? Had she seen something scary? Had someone tried to grab her?

But Aurora was still looking up, gaping as silver flashed across the sky.

Gavin hummed, taking Rowan’s hand as more light streaked across the sky, Aurora squealing again and jumping in her seat.

“It looks like the meteor shower has started,” he said. “I guess we should hurry back to the cottage so we can see them better.”

***

Rowan stretched her hands skyward, making her way from the backdoor of the cottage and down the little dirt path towards the private beach entrance. The time on her phone read 11:55, mere minutes until the 29th, until Gavin’s birthday officially began.

They’d hurried back to the cottage, dumping their things in the entrance before grabbing blankets and a few pre-prepared snacks, and heading out in search of the little private beach they were supposed to have with the cottage.

They’d found it pretty quickly, their feet sinking into soft sand as the cool evening breeze washed over the ocean waves lapping at the shore.

They’d laid out blankets, letting Stella roam across the beach, sniffing at the driftwood and the sand and at the treeline. Aurora had nestled herself between Rowan and Gavin, seeming perfectly content to lie with them for a while.

And then she had shrieked so loud that Rowan had thought her ears would bleed. Because stars had started streaking across the sky, bathing it in their silvery light.

They had kept Aurora out, watching the stars and chatting and picking at their snacks and playing with her in the shallow waves until her eyes had grown so heavy she hadn’t been able to keep them open.

Rowan had taken her back to the cottage, tucking her in as she’d sung a lullaby, making sure the stuffed bunny she’d clutched so tightly all day was nestled beside her.

She’d swiped the little bottle of liqueur they’d bought early and two small glasses, tucking them into a little bag as she’d made her way back to the beach.

The night had fully bloomed by the time Rowan returned to the spot where Gavin lay. His eyes had been fixed on the sky until she sat down beside him, his gaze sliding to her as she took the liqueur and the cups from the bag.

“Did she go to sleep alright?” He asked, sitting up and taking the bottle from Rowan’s hand.

She nodded, smiling as she remembered how Aurora had cooed, clutching at Rowan’s shirt as she’d tried to wrap her in her sleep sack. “I’m pretty sure she was asleep before I laid her down.”

Gavin smiled, his eyes soft. “I love her so much.”

“She loves you,” Rowan said, reaching out to cup his cheek. “She loves you with all of her heart.”

Gavin covered Rowan’s hand, his eyes meeting hers, glowing brighter than the stars now. “I love her. I’m so happy she’s a part of our lives.”

He closed his eyes, leaning forward until their brows touched. “I’m so glad you’re both a part of my life.”

Rowan giggled, batting at his arm gently. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, babey.”

He chuckled, pulling away to open the bottle and pour the sunshine yellow liqueur into the waiting glasses. “You know every year I think that it’s the best birthday yet, and every year you manage to make it even better than the last.”

Heat crawled across her face and she shook her head, plucking one of the little glasses and holding it to her lips. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“I would,” he said, his tone earnest and firm, the emotion in that simple phrase reaching all the way to her toes. “I would say that. Just being beside you for another year makes it better than the last.”

She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to respond other than to take his hand, to press a kiss to his lips. It wasn’t enough, would never be enough to show him how much she loved him, how precious he was to her, but she hoped it helped him to understand. That she loved him more than there were stars in the night’s sky. That she would wish for his love and for his happiness on every shooting star she saw. That all she ever wanted was to wake up beside him and see his smile, hear his voice, feel his heartbeat beneath her cheek as she cuddled against his chest.

He hummed, his fingers weaving through her hair, pulling her closer.

“I love you,” he murmured against her lips. “I love you, I love our daughter, I love the family and the life I have with you.” He broke away, his nose bumping against hers, his breath like a caress against her lips. “I love every birthday now, every moment of it.”

Her eyes burned, and she squeezed them shut, her heart aching as memories flooded her mind, of all the stories Gavin had ever told her over the years. All the time he had spent wondering if it had been worth it being born.

“I’m so happy I was born,” he said, his voice cracking, and she felt herself breaking apart at the sound. At the splintering of his voice, at the emotion leaking through, washing over her. “Because I got to meet you.”

She set the glass down so she could reach out to him, so she could ball her hands in his shirt and pull him closer, so she could feel his heartbeat beneath her hands.

“Because I got to love you,” he continued, kissing the corner of her lips. “Because I get to love you, every day.”

She sniffed, trying to pull him closer, even though she knew there was no closer he could go.

“Because I get to share this beautiful family with you,” he said, his voice wobbling as he spoke. “Because I get to share everything with you.”

Rowan made the decision then to climb into his lap, to straddle his waist as she wrapped her arms around his neck so she could hold him as close as she could.

She needed to. She needed to hold him, to keep him close. She needed to keep her Gavin close.

“I love you,” she breathed, not trusting herself to speak at full volume, knowing she was moments away from bursting into tears. “I love you more than anything in this world.”

His arms went around her waist, holding her as if she was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

“Meeting you, loving you, sharing my life with you,” she said, pulling away to brush back his bangs, his eyes glassy from unshed tears, her own cheeks already stained with her own. “Is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She cupped his cheeks, showering kisses over his face until she felt his smile blooming, until laughter rumbled in his chest.

“And I am so happy you were born,” she said, pecking his lips quickly and pulling away. “Because it meant that I got to meet you, that I get to love you and tell you how much I love you every day.”

His eyes closed, his head falling against the crook of her neck.

She rested her cheek against the top of his head, running her fingers through his hair, rubbing circles against his back. She looked up at the sky, watching the stars shoot across the world, brilliant and bright and beautiful, but no match for the man she held in her arms.

She didn’t need to check her phone to know that it was past midnight, not as she watched the meteor shower bathe the world in it’s otherworldly glow.

“Hey,” she breathed, patting his shoulder until he looked up at her, his golden eyes making her breathless. “It’s your birthday.”

His brows rose, a small smile curling at the corners of his lips.

“Happy birthday, my love,” she said, pressing her lips to his again, smiling as she felt him tilt his head, as his tongue brushed against hers.

She pulled away before he could deepen it further though, resisting the urge to kiss him again as he pouted at her.

“It’s your birthday,” she repeated, pointing to the sky. “And there’s a million shooting stars, all here for you. Make a wish.”

“I don’t have to,” he said, a hand sliding up her back, twisting into her hair and slowly drawing her close again.

And beneath the silver stained sky, as the ocean waves sang their gentle song and the wind whistled through the trees and raked briny air through their messy hair, Gavin kissed her again. And his words, spoken so softly that only she could hear, streaked through her world like the shooting stars, filling her heart with stardust, making her glow.

“I don’t need to make a wish,” he repeated. “I have everything I could ever want right here.”

[imaginethatneathuh]

The Fool: Game Boy - American Gods

Game Boy x partner!reader, romantic

Game Boy plays a game with you.

Part of @dragon430’s Tarot Troop.

TW/CW: None that I can think of.

Word count: 2.0+ K

•

After a long day at work you were relieved to not have to do anything else today. As soon as you got home, you said to yourself, it’s nap time. Sadly, or maybe happily, things didn’t work out that way.

As you stepped into the small, shared flat, you sighed and rolled your neck. Wordlessly, you walked to the kitchen and got some water, tossing your keys on the counter.

You had been on your feet all day; the only thing on your mind was a shower and bed. As you drank, water falling from the corners of your mouth, you noticed there was silence about the house. There was never silence unless your long-term partner, Game Boy was gone. Setting your cup down, you walk around the counters and cabinets that split the living room and kitchen. You stopped at the edge and peered in, hands on hips. With a frown, you tilted your head before walking into the living room, still in your barista uniform.

“Game Boy?” You called in the empty flat. “You here?”

After a long string of silence, you moved closer to the sofa and placed your hands on top of it.

It wasn’t peculiar that Game was gone, just odd that he hadn’t said anything before. He had always told you beforehand so you wouldn’t worry. This time, you supposed, he’d failed to mention his absence. Still, a part of you thought he may be elsewhere in the flat.

As he didn’t answer you, you began to search for him. He wasn’t in the bathroom and you doubted he was in the communal laundry room. Despite knowing that he certainly wasn’t in your room, you still checked. Predictably, he wasn’t there, but you did decide to change into something more comfortable.

With nowhere else to look, you knocked on his room’s door and opened it. It was empty. Gaming equipment, actual games, a computer, a telly, and other stuff like that covered the room, but there was no Game Boy. Your partner Game Boy, not the Nintendo handheld game console. He did, in fact, have one of them on a shelf.

There was a note taped to his computer which is odd because Game Boy rarely ever wrote anything with a pen or pencil. He also never let anything so “dated” as a pen and paper note on his precious computer. Not if he was in his right mind anyway.

You got closer, out of curiosity of what was so important that Game decided to write it out. The handwriting was very sloppy, you noticed.

Do you remember where we met? The note asked. I do. I thought you looked amazing. That’s why I couldn’t talk to you. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t say anything. I was so tongue-tied, it was rather embarrassing.

You smiled, remembering how flushed Game had been. He couldn’t even look at you. It was adorable.

Find where we met. Follow the trail and we’ll see each other soon enough. Let me take you on an adventure. You won’t regret it. I promise. I love you - G

Your heart swelled in your chest.

‘A game from Game Boy,’ you thought. ‘How cute.’

You left the flat, wanting to see just what game Game was playing.

•

Standing near a park bench, you looked around.

You had been around here, on a walk, when you’d bumped into Game. Stupidly, you hadn’t been watching where you were going and ran into him, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“I am so sorry,” you said. “I didn’t see you.”

You looked into his beautiful blue eyes and your heart skipped a beat.

The young man you’d run into turnt away, blushing and pulled his black trench coat tighter. He nodded, still looking at the ground.

“Again, really sorry.” You walked past him but stopped next to a park bench. After a few seconds, you couldn’t help but look over your shoulder at him.

The blue-eyed boy stood there, looking at you, his hands in his pockets and scarf wiping back from the wind. He was considerably round and he had some acne, but it didn’t bother you. His eyes told you everything. There was more going on behind them than most would assume. More what, you didn’t know. But he seemed to know so much. One look into them and it was like you had had a glance into endless something, but you weren’t sure what. It was within your grasp and, yet, an ocean away.

Your eyes met again and warmth filled your chest. You smiled and waved at him.

His already deep blush deepened.

You walked down the path. A note, taped to a bench, caught your attention. You picked it up and opened it.

This is where you stopped when we first met. The moment you looked back at me and our eyes met, I could feel myself falling for you. I don’t get that feeling anymore. It’s more of knowing I love you and you love me kinda feeling, but I digress.

You smiled. His words rang true for you, too. There were no longer butterflies and lightning. But there was a feeling of belonging with him that you could feel in your heart.

Sometimes, I wonder why you weren’t repulsed by my acne and fat. I still have no idea why you’d go out with me. But, I’m glad you did ask me out. Being with you has been something else. A fantastic something else.

After the first time walking through the park, you started going there more often. At one point, it was every single day. All you wanted was to see him again. But, it took months before you did.

And when you did, as cliche as it sounds, it was like the whole world stopped around you. Without even thinking about it, you walked over and asked him out.

You got a stuttered yes, but it was still a yes.

Go to where we had our first date and you’ll find a friend and a note waiting. - G

•

After getting out of the car, you made your way to the arcade you and Game Boy had spent your first date. It had been easier to get him to talk about video games than it was himself. Still, the way he had talked about his favourite, and his most hated, games made you fall deeper in love.

The two of you played a ton of games, usually for two players. He’d even called you his player two, as a joke.

“Hey, Y/N,” the attendant, Steve, said. “G stopped by earlier. Told me to give you this.” He handed you a note.

I know I didn’t really let you talk much when we were here, but when you asked about my favourites to play, I just started rambling. It did make it easier to talk to you, though.

Speaking of rambling, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland was a bit nonsensical, wasn’t it? I don’t know why you love that movie (or the book) but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy to wear the VHS tape out with you. Seeing you happy was the best part of that. Now, Alice, my dear, go back home and go down the rabbit hole once again. - G

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland was indeed nonsensical which was the best part about it. There was no real story. It was nonsense, the best kinda sense there is.

“Thanks, Steve. See ya later,” you said as you left.

•

Back home, you went to the telly and pulled out the VHS tapes. On AAiW’s case was a note from Game.

We’re pretty close to the end now. But, just to say it before I say it, I love you. As much as I found this movie weird, nonsensical, and rather insane, I found it worth every second spent watching because I got to spend time with you. Y/N, you mean everything to me. I love you. The reason I say this now is because I’m not the best at saying things without coming off like a prick. It’s easier to write them.

You can find me at the address below. And, as the rabbit always says, “I’m late.” So get here before I have to chop off your head for tardiness (or should I say tartiness?). - G

You chuckled softly at the pun and ran a finger down the page.

The address below wasn’t familiar to you so you pulled out a map.

•

The warehouse looked disgusting on the outside. Broken windows and grime-covered walls were not the most romantic thing, but still, if Game Boy was here, it’d be worth it.

You walked in, expecting to walk across broken glass or something, but there was no crunch beneath you. A path looked like it had been swept clean for you. It trailed to the back of the warehouse, small origami roses laying on it.

You followed them and picked them up one by one. The first few were plain white with green-painted stems. But, slowly, red started to bleed onto them. The ones farthest away were fully red, just like the Queen wanted.

The last rose sat on a door handle, the kind typically found in warehouses that jut out to the side. You picked it up, twirling the faux stem in your fingers. The rest of the bouquet sat in your arm. You could smell the paint coming off them.

The door creaked open and a shy figure peeked out.

“G?” You asked.

“Close your eyes,” he said. “Please?”

You did as he asked, heart pumping. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?”

As much as you wanted to know, you knew Game Boy had a hard time figuring out what was okay and what wasn’t when it came to real-life people.

“You’ll see,” he said.

The door creaked open more and he shuffled out. He picked the bouquet out of your arms as well as the last flower before disappearing for a moment. The warmth of his hands transferred to yours as he led you into the office. You could hear the door close again. Game Boy positioned you right in front of something, guiding you by your upper arms. His warmth left you before he spoke.

“You can open them now,” he said.

He stood in front of a table, a vase of the origami flowers he had made in his hands. Candles hung down from the ceiling in a heart formation, each holder connected by wire.

You silently stared at the sight.

Game Boy breathed heavily, his coat thrown off to the side. Still, his turtleneck was a little hot right now. He couldn’t tell if it was because he was nervous or overheated. Probably both.

You stepped forward and took the vase from him and set it down on a table.

“You did all this?” You asked.

He nodded, wiping his hands on his khakis. “I wanted it to be special.”

“Wanted what?”

He ran a hand through his blonde hair. “I’m not the best at this,” he mumbled under his breath. He straightened and looked you in the eye, despite that being rather uncomfortable for him. “Y/N, we’ve been dating for a while. Not a super long one, but it’s been a while. And I know you said you wanted to wait before calling us partners, but I can’t wait any longer. I love you so much. I want- I want you to be my player two. Permanently. Not just for a game or two.”

He seemed to have practised saying the speech over and over again.

You walked forward and pulled him into a kiss by the fabric of his turtleneck. Game Boy cupped your cheek and kissed back gently.

You pulled away, smiling. “I’ll gladly be your player two for as long as we both play the game fair.”

Game Boy sighed in relief, a giant grin spreading across his face. He leant in and kissed you again.

[brokenkingdom-forgottenempire]

Never Regret

....took me a while to finish this long ass fic. Please don’t hate me. I wanted to write prequel fic for ‘Off Night’ and I didnt expect I’d spend days trying to make this fic....readable? 

WARNING: LONG FIC. POOR ATTEMPT OF SEXY TIME. AND MAYBE AWKWARD. Human flesh as plates. Drew does the sucking around here. Roman can just relax. Some errors. Uhhhh.....some cbt .. idk. Dont look at me. I kept on seeing gif of Drew low blowing Roman, alright? 

Okay, so here is my second attempt on trying to write sexy scene for McReigns! husbands vers au.

(08/12/20)

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It was raining all day. Grey skies since 8am. It was only 4pm now but the dark clouds made it looked like it was already late evening. A bit of lighting once in a while but it was not a compete downpour. It had been raining a lot lately, and Drew did not really enjoy it. He would go out to work and come back soaking wet. He hated it. 

Roman liked the rain. It was calming for him. He could rest his mind, the sound of low grumbling thunder somehow made him relax. He could stay in bed all day, snuggle with his husband, take a nap. The two of them a completely opposite about the weather but that was why they were so deep in love with one another.

Drew went out that afternoon to buy some groceries. Roman wanted to go along to accompany the other man but Drew insisted the Samoan to just stay at home. He did not want Roman to get sick again. He noticed how Roman could easily get sick lately too. It��s probably caused by the weather, Drew thought.

“Don’t forget to buy some desserts, babe,” Roman called out from the kitchen before Drew stepped out of the house. Drew just replied back ‘OK’ and walked out, dressed in just black t-shirt, jeans and raincoat. It was windy outside, he knew the umbrella would not help much in this situation but he brought it with him anyway.

A hour or so later, as expected, Drew came back with the needed things and food. Soaking wet head to toe. Roman was sitting comfortable in their couch in the living room. Knees tucked close to his chest, hair neatly tied into a bun, reading glasses on, he had his phone in hand, probably checking for updates on his social media account again. The Samoan lifted his head up when he heard the front door was opened, and failed to hide his smile when he saw a soaked, grumpy Drew. 

“Yea, laugh all you want. I’m fucking freezing and you didn’t even bother to help me grab a towel,” the Scottish man grunted as he placed the grocery bags on the floor. He tossed his ruined shoes at the side, grumbling how much he hated life sometimes especially when it had to put him in this kind of situation. Roman just shook his head, got up and handed his husband a towel he had prepared earlier. Drew just stared at Roman as he did. 

“You really thought I wouldn’t prepare anything for my own husband who sacrificed himself to go out and buy me food in this crazy weather? I’m hurt, Drew,” despite the last sentence, a warm smile graced Roman’s beautiful face. Drew did not reply and just moved his face closer to Roman’s to give the older man a quick kiss on the lips. A thank you. Drew did not say it, but Roman knew. 

“What did you get me for desserts?” Roman bent down to pick up the bags. 

“Ice cream, some cakes, chocolate and strawberry syrups just incase you want them on your ice cream. Also I bought this pie from the bakery you loved so much. The lady behind the cash register said hi,” Drew shamelessly stripped down in front of the door. He did not want to step on the carpet. Roman would kill him. Once he was completely naked, he wrapped the towel around his waist and looked up to see Roman staring at him. “What? Something’s on my face?” Drew reached up to wipe his face. 

“You silly, sexy, handsome brute,” Roman chuckled and slightly tiptoed to kiss Drew on his cheek. “Thank you for the cakes and pie,”. The Scottish man huffed, his large hand came down to rest on Roman’s ass and could not resist giving it a squeeze. The shorter man gasped at the sudden action but laughed as he slowly pulled away to prepare their dinner.

“Shower and dress warmly, dinner will be ready by then,” Roman was back inside the kitchen and Drew still had a smile on his face as he walked towards their room to do what Roman told him to. 

20 minutes later, Drew reemerged. He wore a navy blue t-shirt, slightly loose on him and grey sweatpants. He was not sure if the sweats were his or Roman’s but since when did he care. Roman had prepared the food, and they ate in peace, randomly talked about their work and friends’ updates. Once dinner was done, Drew helped out with the cleaning. 

Roman told Drew to wait in the living room as he took the desserts out of the fridge. Drew complied and waited patiently on the couch. The TV was on, and Drew just lazily flipped through the channels, nothing attracted him so far. When Roman came back with desserts, Drew dropped the remote as he looked at his husband. Roman just casually walked around inside their home with nothing but an apron. With lace. What the fuck. When did he change?!

“Oh, I forgot the plates,” Roman was about to get up to get some utensils but Drew’s sudden grip around the older man’s wrist managed to stop him. 

“What do you think you’re doing, Roman?” Drew’s voice became huskier than before. The Samoan had some guts to look down at him with his innocent, confused eyes. Drew did not wait for Roman’s replies as he yanked his smaller husband down, and Roman landed on top of Drew. Their positions forced Roman to straddle Drew’s thighs with the Scottish man’s hand rested on both sides of Roman’s hips. The tattooed man chuckled and bit his lower lip, his fingers playfully danced on Drew’s chest.

“Do you like it? Seth told me to get one. I got it months ago but I didn’t know when to wear. It’s a bit too small, I think, should’ve gotten a bigger size,” Roman looked down at his black with white lace apron he had gotten on the internet. He ordered L for size but it was meant for ladies, and he was a 260 pounds Samoan with muscles and tattoos. Some kind of maid kink whatever it was stated on the description. Seth mentioned something about it and though he did not really need it to seduce his husband, he wanted to try something new.

Drew’s silence made Roman looked back up to the man he currently straddled. Drew’s blue eyes seemed slightly darker than before. It got him worried, maybe Drew did not really like this kind of thing? Roman gulped and tried to move away but Drew’s strong hands held him in place. “Drew?” Roman’s soft voice did it for him. The Scottish man placed a hand on Roman’s nape and pulled him down for a deep kiss. The older man’s moan were muffled, his hands gripping Drew’s loose t-shirt. 

“You fucking tease. You’re going to regret this,” Drew breathed out before he claimed his husband’s lips once again. “I’m going to tear that ass, and I don’t want you hear you whining about it being sore tomorrow, or I’m going to tie you up for some spankings. Do you understand?” Both of his hands were back on Roman’s ass this time, squeezing and parting the cheeks a part, causing the other man to whimper. His teeth left marks on Roman’s neck. The Samoan could not say anything but a simple ‘Yes, sir,’. 

Drew lifted his smaller husband and gently laid him down on his back on the couch. He ordered Roman to stay still as he moved to grab something from the kitchen, and then came back with a can of whipped cream. Oh God, Roman thought to himself. 

“Drew, wait, are you-” Roman tried to sit up but Drew was quick to push him down again. The Scottish man’s hand moved down and gave Roman’s teat a pinch. His husband yelped in shock. 

“Did I tell you to move, Roman?” Drew’s deep voice forced him to strop struggling and just laid still on his back. “And just for trying to stop me, you’re not allowed to touch yourself or me. If you do, I’m getting the handcuffs out,” Drew did not wait for Roman to say anything as he ripped (not really, he just aggressively peeled off the velcro straps of the apron) the only fabric on his husband’s torso off, and dove down to attack Roman’s smooth chest. He bit and tug at Roman’s nipples drawing more whines and cries from the man below him. Drew grabbed the can of whipped cream and Roman could do nothing but watched as his Scottish lover sprayed out some cream on his chest then licking it cleaned. The whipped cream was cold on his heated skin. Drew continued to spray some more cream on his husband but now focusing on the hardened nubs. 

“Ah, Drew!” Drew bit down harshly on Roman’s nipple that was surrounded by the sea of ink on his chest as he cleaned the cream off the Samoan. It felt good. So good, Roman thought he could come just with Drew messing around with his sensitive nipples. 

“Fuck, you’re so sexy, Ro,” The Scottish man pulled back and wiped his mouth. Roman did not dare to move as his eyes followed his husband’s movement. Drew grabbed one of the cakes Roman had placed on the coffee table earlier before carefully placing the dessert on Roman’s belly. Drew knew how insecure Roman was when it came to his physique especially his abdomen area. While Roman did not mind Drew squeezing and groping his thick ass, he did not really like it when his Scottish husband paid too much attention to his ‘fat stomach’ (as Roman called it). Drew obviously hated it whenever Roman tried to push him away because of it. The Samoan was clearly blind if he did not notice how much Drew loved every part, every inch of his body. It was a daring move for Drew’s part but he would risk it all as long as Roman knew nothing on him was imperfect for Drew. 

The Scottish man could feel how Roman’s body stiffened the moment the cake touched his skin. Roman’s eyes darted down to Drew, silently pleading to have it removed. Drew was having none of it. Not this time. Drew moved up to kiss his husband.

“You never believed me when I told you I love every side of you. I know you still won’t believe me now even if I tell you, but Roman, I love everything about you. Your beautiful face, you ass, those killer thighs, your so-called fat tummy. Whatever bullshit you’ve been telling yourself for years, I’m ending it tonight,” Roman’s eyes turned glassy as he let his husband kissed him again. Roman could not find his voice so he nodded, trusting Drew to make him understand. Drew smiled down at the older man before he peeled off his loose t-shirt and sweatpants, throwing them on the floor. Then he moved back down to take a bite of the cake. Roman was trying to calm himself down as he watched his husband having his dessert using his belly as the plate. Drew smirked when he realized Roman would not struggle, he licked his lips once before he marked Roman’s skin with his teeth. 

“I love this so much,” Drew continued to bite and suckle the skin around his husband’s middle. “Such beautiful body, only for me to enjoy. No one else can have this. No one else can taste it. Only me,”. The Scottish man began to tease the bellybutton, licking down the navel and then came dangerously close to Roman’s hard on. Roman grunted when he felt Drew bit down on his skin again. The Samoan knew he was not allowed to hold Drew yet so his fingers had turned white from gripping the fabric of the couch hard. He bit his lower lip to stop himself from moaning too loudly as Drew continued to mark around his middle. He wanted to cry out whenever Drew bit his skin a little too hard but Drew seemed to acknowledge Roman’s movement and he would kiss the reddening skin as a silent apology. 

Drew sat back once he was satisfied. He took the cake off Roman and brought it up to his husband’s lips. Roman did not immediately accept the offer and looked up to Drew, waiting for permission. “Open up, baby,” Drew ordered softly. Roman complied. The Samoan opened his mouth and let Drew fed him. Once he finished the dessert, he continued to lick Drew’s fingers. The Scottish man did not hesitate to push his fingers inside his husband’s mouth, letting Roman licked the icing and cream away. 

As Roman was busy suckling on his fingers, Drew moved his free hand down to tap at the older man’s puckered hole. Roman whimpered in need and began to spread his legs apart further. Drew moved to settle between his husband’s thighs without removing his hand from Roman’s mouth. 

“Someone is already wet for daddy,” beads of cum began to leak out of Roman’s pisshole. Drew teasingly gave the head a squeezed and watched as the precum flowed out, dripping on Roman’s stomach. He laughed when Roman suddenly bucked his hips, needing more from his lover. His muffled whines and pleads were ignored as Drew began to use the fluid as lube. He scooped some precum using his fingers before he circled Roman’s hole again. 

“Drew, please,” Roman gasped out as he felt his husband’s finger tip teasingly pushing in. Drew did not even lift his head to look at the other man as he continued to slowly push through the muscle ring. 

“Ahh, fuck!” cried the Samoan when Drew suddenly pushed his middle finger in deep, his knuckle was resting against Roman’s spasming hole. The younger man did not stop as he began to move his hand, finger fucking his husband in several times before adding another finger to spread his husband’s needy hole further, drawing louder moan from Roman. 

“Please, please, please, please,” was all Roman could mutter. His own fingers dug into the couch, trying to strain himself. Hips bucking every time Drew mercilessly rammed his fingers in. 

“Please what, Ro?” Drew’s other hand reached up and grabbed a handful of Roman’s hair, yanking the Samoan’s head back, exposing his marked neck. Roman winced from the pain and pleasure that Drew gave him at once. When Roman did not answer fast enough, Drew slid his fingers out of his husband’s hole causing the older man to whine in frustration.

“Nooo...please, daddy.....put it back in. Please fuck me. Please wreck me open,” Roman panted out. Drew was still holding him down by his long locks. The Scottish man smirked evilly. Using his free hand, he flicked Roman’s balls, causing the man to yelp in surprise. “No, please, don’t,” The Samoan tried to move his hip away from the assault. Wrong move. Roman cried out when Drew tugged his hair back harder this time. 

“Did you just try to run away from me, Roman?” It was not really a question so Drew did not wait for replies. He gave the balls some gentle taps before flicking them again, eliciting more cries from his husband. Roman tried to close his legs but Drew would just order him to spread them out again. 

The Scottish continued to mercilessly punish his husband’s balls. From gentle slaps, to flicking, to taps and some hard slaps, even a pinch or two. Roman’s thighs were trembling. His breathing was uneven as he surrendered his lower half to his lover. Tears trailed down the sides of his face. Drew delivered one last slap at the sore balls and he watched as Roman’s eyes rolled, mouth hung open, fingers turned white as he held onto the couch for his dear life, hips lifted slightly, toes curled in, and his dick spurted out ropes of cum, creating big mess on his own abs and chest. Drew was loving every second of it. His husband’s dick twitched and spurted more white fluid as Drew’s fingers lightly stroked the spent organ. 

“Fuuuuuucckkkkk,” Roman moaned loudly when Drew tapped his pisshole with his finger and gave the sore head a swipe. The Samoan was super sensitive to touches now but knowing his husband he knew Drew was not going to stop yet, and he hated when he was right. Roman’s chest was heaving and trembling as he tried to catch his breath from the orgasm. Drew had released his hair after he came the second time. Roman watched through hooded eyes as his Scottish lover bent down to take the spent cock into his mouth, giving it a gentle suck but it was enough for Roman to arch his back, crying out ‘Stop!’ when Drew began to graze his teeth along the twitching organ. “No more. Please, no more, daddy, it’s too much,” he winced out.

Drew thought he had punished his husband enough that night so he let go. The Scottish then moved up to once again kiss his husband deeply on the lips. Drew pushed some hair off his husband’s sweaty forehead before he planted a kiss. 

“I’m not done with you yet, Roman,” The said man’s eyes grew wide as he stared back at his husband. Before he could protest, Drew flipped him on his front this time. The taller man stood up, grabbed both of Roman’s arms and held it on his back. Drew bent down to pick up the apron that Roman had dropped earlier and used the straps to tied the Samoan’s hands on his back. Drew moved their position so Roman’s ass was facing him and Roman had to bury his face between the pillows on the couch. Drew forced Roman to kneel at the edge of the cushioned seats and present his ass up. Drew kneeled so his face would be at the same height as Roman’s ass, he grabbed both of the cheeks and spread them apart to reveal the pink hole. The Scottish man did not waste time as he dove in to rim his husband’s hole this time. 

“Oh God. Oh fuck. Oh God, feels so good, daddy” Roman whimpered out. He could feel Drew’s tongue pushing in passed the ring and Roman pushed back. He was being tongue fucked by his husband. Everything just felt so intense, he got slightly lightheaded.

Drew stood back up again after he made sure Roman’s hole was relaxed enough for him. He placed his big girth against Roman’s entrance before he thrusted in balls deep. Roman’s scream was muffled by the pillows. His hips bucked and trembled from the sudden movement. “Please...be gentle with me, daddy. You’re so big,” Roman’s voice cracked as Drew began to pull out half way before slamming in again.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do. You’ll accept whatever I give to you, slut,” Drew rammed his cock harder, drawing high pitch cries from his Samoan husband. He spread the fat cheeks further and shoved in deeper. 

Roman could not stop screaming as Drew rammed at his prostate over and over again. He was about to come again. He tried to tug his hands free from the bond but he could feel his muscles began to weaken from all the fucking. Drew’s thrusts became rougher and merciless. His heavy balls slapping against Roman’s hardening boner. After several thrusts, Roman came on the couch this time. His dick spraying out cum. He was crying from the endless pleasure. 

He knew Drew was close to coming as he felt his lover’s dick grew. Drew gripped hard at Roman’s already bruised hips, balls resting against Roman’s, he grunted as he came inside his Samoan husband. Roman’s body jerked few times when his inside was flooded by streams of hot cum. Drew thrusted few more times, letting his spurting cock softened inside the warm hole. He bent down, slowly grabbed his husband’s wet face and gave him a kiss. Drew finally pulled out after few minutes, he watched as the cum leaked out, trailing down to Roman’s balls before dripping to the floor. Drew then reached down to untie his husband’s hands. Once released, Roman drew his hands closer to his chest. His eyes closing as he tried to catch his breath again. He came a lot in only few hours. 

Drew sat back down next to Roman who was still kneeling. Carefully, Drew pulled Roman up to straddle his thighs again. Roman whimpered as he thought Drew was not done with him yet, but his Scottish husband just shushed him. He pushed Roman’s head down to rest on his bare chest, strong arms holding his lover in place. 

After some silence and Roman seemed to calm down a little, Drew spoke, “Are you alright, baby? Did I hurt you too much?” Roman just shook his head. Drew gently gripped Roman’s chin to lift his face up. Romans eyes were still glassy from crying, some hair messily plastered on his forehead. “You’re in pain?” Drew asked worriedly. 

“It was a good kind of pain,” a small smiled formed on Roman’s tired face. Drew chuckled and pecked his husband’s lips. “My hands hurt though....and my balls,” Roman reached down to cup his sore organ. The sacs were slightly swollen. Drew took Roman’s hand and kissed the mark around the wrist from the apron straps he used to tie him up earlier. 

“I’d love to kiss you balls too, if you want,” Drew said playfully. Roman rolled his eyes and hit his husband’s chest.

“No, you won’t. You ruined the apron, and my ass.. No more fucking until next week,”. Now, it was Drew’s turn to whine at how cruel Roman’s decision was. The Samoan ignored him and continued to bury his face in his husband’s chest. 

“You fucked me so deep, my ass will be sore until next week. Tomorrow will be our off night, and if you dare to put your dick anywhere near me, you can spend the night on this lovely couch alone,”. Drew pouted, quietly grumbling that it was not even his fault and Roman was the one who started it. Roman giggled at his husband’s childish reaction, but he needed rest. His ass needed rest. “I need to shower, I feel disgusting from the cream and cake you put on me,” Roman slowly moved off Drew to stand, he winced as he felt Drew’s cum began to flow out more and trail down his thigh. 

“I’ll help,” Drew offered. He placed an arm around Roman’s waist and guided him to their bathroom. He helped Roman to wash his long locks, chest and hole. Roman almost smacked Drew on the head when his lover roughly shoved a finger in his super sensitive and sore hole. 

Did Roman regret his decision to tease his husband in the first place though? Never, and best believe he would do it again. Maybe he would order some more things online too.

[iloveyou3thousand]

I loooove your writing! 🥰 And I have a prompt for starker. So Peter and Tony argue about something, something maybe big for Peter but not so much for Tony? But the alarm interupts them - some sort of threat or mission. So, when they back to the compound, Tony forgets about their argue before and Peter feels like his feeling are neglected. I really wanna some angst but with very happy ending. 😊

Thank you so much!! I love writing angst so I hope this is to your liking!

CW: miscommunications, anxious!Peter thinks no one likes him, angst with a happy ending, emotional hurt/comfort

——————————————————————————————

Tony is looking down at the device in his hand in a way that tells Peter they are not going to be able to continue this conversation right now. Which sucks, because Peter felt like he was finally getting somewhere with his argument.

But, duty calls, and Tony sweeps away to go suit up and inform the others before Peter can get another word in edgewise and he’s left standing alone in the workshop, knowing he should go and suit up himself, but definitely not feeling like saving the world right now.

He doesn’t understand how Tony can just up and leave like that in the middle of their conversation. Sure, the world is important, and they’re not the Avengers for no reason, but sometimes it would be nice if they can think about them for a change, and nothing else.

Peter takes a deep breath and goes to find his suit. Once everyone has gathered they take the quinjet, and Peter quietly takes his seat next to Tony like he always does, although while the others are chatting among themselves, some discussing their mission and some seeming to resume conversations from earlier, Tony doesn’t say a word to Peter. And Peter doesn’t say a word to Tony.

It’s not that Peter’s mad at him. He hopes Tony isn’t mad at him either. It’s just tense right now. Peter tells himself it’s because of their abrupt takeoff and the knowledge of what they’re about to face. Everyone must be nervous. Peter is just eager to get home again.

The mission takes up the rest of the day and they work well into the afternoon the following day to get everything back to the way it was before the alien attack, or at least as far as they’re capable of doing so. The threat has been eliminated and civilians have been rescued and given shelter elsewhere until their homes are safe to go back to once again.

By the time they’re on the jet back, everyone is exhausted. But Peter hasn’t stopped thinking about their argument.

He’s been distracted the entire time, quiet over the comms and on their journey home, even more so than he was on the flight toward the attack.

It stings because… Well because no one has addressed it yet. No one has looked at him and saw that he was struggling with something and even just so much as put their arm around him to give him a reassuring squeeze. He knows he shouldn’t expect those things when the team is busy with something else, but even Tony doesn’t seem to notice, and if anyone is used to keeping an eye on Peter it’s him.

He feels ungrateful. He shouldn’t expect people to always be keeping him in their peripherals. There was a time where he wanted so badly to be independent, to not always need people, and he spent so much time trying to make that clear to the people around him that he realizes maybe he’s taken it too far.

Peter’s brain always goes a mile a minute and usually he can express that by talking, can filter all his thoughts through words, or at least get them out because let’s be serious he doesn’t always think clearly before he speaks, but. That’s not the point. The point is that now that he can’t and doesn’t talk, all of that needs to stay inside his head, and inside his head is where it festers and rots and he hates it. Hates starting out thinking Tony probably just has other things on his mind right now and ends up convinced that he doesn’t love him anymore not even two minutes later. Hates seeing everyone else around him chat in a tired but relieved manner knowing that no one is trying to strike up a conversation with him so that must mean they either forgot he’s even there or they don’t want to talk to him. Right?

He’s never realized that it’s a very toxic way of thinking. He just assumes that’s how everybody’s brain works.

Peter holds onto the last little shred of hope that maybe once they get back to the compound and everyone goes their separate ways to get some rest Tony will wrap am arm around him and squeeze him into his side and kiss his head and suggest they go take a nice shower and then a long, well-deserved nap.

Except when they land Tony slaps him on the shoulder and tells him he did a good job, and that he should ‘get some rest, kiddo’, and then he’s off to god-knows-where.

As expected, the rest of the team disperses without another word, and Peter lingers on the tarmac, holding his breath so as not to fall apart right there and then.

Miraculously, he keeps it together until he finds his way back to his room, but as he sheds his suit to take a shower his eyes feel too hot and his nose starts to get stuffy and the downpour starts when he is safely under the warm stream of water but it just. Doesn’t help.

It only makes Peter feel more drained than before, but he figured hey, that should probably help put him to sleep, right?

Though when he lays down in bed his thoughts keep swirling. He just wants to talk to Tony but he already feels like he’s been so needy lately, and Tony is probably busy. He’s probably not thinking about Peter. Hasn’t done so since he likely locked himself up in his workshop to go and continue on a project that doesn’t involve Peter because he can’t stand him right now.

Yeah, that has to be it.

It takes him a while to be able to fall asleep with that in the back of his mind but he’s exhausted himself to the point where his body can’t do anything but shut down. And so it does.

Tony enters the room not five minutes later with a tray in his hands, and at first he doesn’t notice Peter is already asleep.

“I don’t know why I even try for this team. They’re ungrateful for my meal providing services on a good day. At least I know you’ll appreciate—” Tony’s turned around after maneuvering the door closed without the use of his hands, and sees that Peter’s eyes are closed and his mouth slightly open. His hair is still damp from his shower, skin clean and undoubtedly soft to the touch, and Tony smiles despite himself.

He sets the tray down on the nightstand and sits on the edge of the bed, reaching over to brush Peter’s hair back from his face. That’s when he notices Peter’s eyes are puffy, his lashes damp, and there’s tearstains on his cheeks. He frowns.

“Peter? Hey, Petey. Have you been crying?” He swipes his thumb gently over Peter’s cheekbone and watches as the boy’s mouth twitches at the corner, a sure sign that he’s waking up. Tony doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep for but he looks exhausted and his eyes are glassy when they find him and it’s heart wrenching. “Hey,” he murmurs, his concern growing when Peter’s brows knit together and his eyes start to fill again. “Hey, woah, what’s happening?”

Tony gathers Peter up in his arms and the boy immediately starts to sniff, his face buried against Tony’s chest. Peter clings to him so firmly that it almost knocks the breath out of him and it’s worrying. It’s definitely worrying.

“Oof, Peter. Talk to me, baby.”

But Peter can’t get any words out over his desperate hiccupping, and all Tony can really do at that moment is rub his hand up and down his back and assume that it’s the mission and the devastation and seeing all those families in panic, all combined with the exhaustion of having worked all throughout the night. He knows that Peter can handle quite a lot, but everybody reaches a breaking point eventually.

Peter calms down slowly but surely, and Tony cups his face between his hands and wipes away his tears and kisses at his cheeks until Peter’s breathing well enough to be able to talk.

“I thought you—I thought you didn’t wanna…’na talk to me,” a fat tear rolls down Peter’s cheek and Tony wipes it away with the sleeve of his shirt.

“You thought I didn’t want to talk to you? What gave you that impression?” Tony looks puzzled.

“Because we were arguing and then you didn’t s-say anything on the quinjet and I just thought…”

“Baby, I thought you were tired…” Tony’s frown deepens, “When did we argue?”

Peter’s confused frown mirrors Tony’s, and he sniffs. “Before the mission?”

Tony wracks his brain trying to think of what happened before they were called away but he can’t think of anything that really resembles an argument. They’d been talking when they got called in, yes, but… Surely that’s not what Peter means?

Tony pulls a silly face to hopefully help Peter out of this funk a little, and says, “That was an argument?”

But Peter just blinks at him, and he quickly straightens his face out and kisses Peter’s brow. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize. I thought we were just talking.”

Peter sniffs again and he’s still clinging to Tony but a little less firmly as he seems to finally calm down properly, his grip easing up, the tension bleeding out of the set of his shoulders.

“So you weren’t mad at me?”

“Mad at you? Not at all. No, Petey, I’m not mad at you. Never.”

Peter seems to think about that for a few moments before he leans in and buries his face into the crook of Tony’s neck, taking a few deep, calculated breaths. “I thought you didn’t like me anymore.” He sounds teary-eyed again, and Tony squeezes him to his chest and kisses his hair.

“I still like you. I still like you so much.”

“So so much?”

“So so much.”

They cling to each other for a little while longer before Peter is sufficiently calm and comforted and is properly convinced that Tony really does still love him. It’s bizarre how quickly all his doubts and worries can dissipate like that when Tony’s there to hold him through it, showing him that he does care and contradicting everything that his brain has been telling him. It’s not suddenly solved completely, Peter will always have his doubts, but as long as he has Tony by his side he knows he can tame his fears for a little while longer.

Tony gives him a soft, slightly unsure smile when they finally part, which Peter returns with one of his own as he wipes the last remaining moisture from his face.

And then he looks to the tray on the side table and inspects the contents.

“What is that supposed to be?” He asks.

Tony looks him dead in the eye.

“You little—"

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

Cormac Mcnamara Fluff HC’s and SFW Concepts (x black reader for my inclusion) (heehee)

A/N: I spent some of my time off from the hellscape that is school on starting Foreign Exchange. Yeah, I don’t care much for Hannah, she only calls poor Cormac when she needs smth, and the poor thing gets led on so. Time for me to get my fluff fix in. He deserves all of the love and hugs. So, virtually, I’m gonna do that for my little cinnamon roll. I’d be friends with him if I went to school in Ireland for some reason.

@misskittysmagicportal you’re welcome lmao

Warnings: Menstruation, most likely a mention of racism bc i like to tackle issues head on, very very mild gore

Cormac is the softest little boy in town, let me TELL YOU.

I feel like he’d be so down for cuddles, or you just watching him fiddle with his technology.

Even if you understood jack shit about it, you’d put the effort in to learn about what polarizers are.

You’re an exchange student that knows NOTHING about the portal, you’re just from America.

On the day you arrive at Okeefee’s College, you were convinced you weren’t going to fit in.

You didn’t.

Half of the people there stared at you, and gawked at your accent, and how you enunciated your t’s and didn’t whistle your s’s.

Cormac was of course, out of the way, he’s not one to socialize, new student or not.

Of course, you were in the corner, even though you should’ve sat in the front of the class. Luckily enough, you didn’t have to do much, as new students always get a pass.

You stayed below the radar for the first couple days, and never seemed to notice Cormac looking at you in class, whenever you’d shy away from answering questions about yourself. He wasn’t too familiar with anyone too much different than the masses of the school, color, interest, speech.

You were thinking of taking the LONGEST of naps after your classes finished, but those plans were quickly changed. The both of you weren’t paying attention where you were walking.

He crashed into you to say the least, and the copy of “Astrophysics for People in a Hurry” fell out of your hands, your bookmark getting lost.

“Ah, I’m sorry about that. Wasn’t watching where I was-WAIT, you’re that new girl from America, aren’t ye?” Cormac said, readjusting his glasses. You nodded, and were perplexed at his new creation, it looked like a gramophone, but with a motherboard and an antenna.

He tried to hide it from you, but he saw your gaze constantly go back to the machine, even as he snapped in front of your face.

‘You alright there? Oh, you’re looking at this. You want to hang out with me over the weekend. Maybe you can catch up from your bookmark, while I work on this.”

You confirmed, and that’s how you two became polarizing pals.

Cormac may be smarter than the library, not the porridge one, and as quick as a whip, but do NOT be shocked. He is very socially inept, and a little behind on cues, and different things.

He almost touched your hair once, without your permission, but you stopped him right in his tracks.

“Cormac, do you want your hand maimed and chopped off, then hung from the top of the flagpole.” you said, giving him a death stare.

“N-no, I don’t. Did I do something wrong?” he asked, taking his hand away, putting it back on the screwdriver.

“Well, for starters, don’t touch my hair without my permission. It’s a no-no for all people, but for black people especially. We had to have our hair cut off completely. That was our culture, and it was ripped away because we were seen as less than, nothing but an animal. So, you, taking your hand, as clean as it may be, and putting it in the fruits of my ancestors’ labor. That’s disrespectful love.” you replied, turning a page.

He has no idea, (damn education system), but he continues to learn about different cultures, especially black culture, African-American culture. The War on Drugs. He comes to you close to every day with different factoids, a good amount of them you already know, but you’re still happy that he puts effort in.

He’s a very tall lad, so expect very warm hugs from him. After a long day of school, he walks over to you, wherever you may be, and hugs you, asking how your day was. You melt into the hug, and smile against him, marveling at how consistent he is.

In classes, if there’s an odd number of people left, it’s always you, he, and Hannah. Y’all get the work done quickly, and he even lets you join them when Orienteering.

Now, you’re one smart cookie. No matter race, everyone has the power to be as smart as they can be. As well as that, they can work damn hard to get there, through all the trouble and hatred. Every now and then, a teacher might shut you down. Ask Cormac if he knows, in which he responds, but always sends you a look of pity.

A teacher could go through all of the students in a class, and not get the right answer once, and your hand stayed up through every excruciating second of it. And, begrudgingly, the teacher asks you, in which you give the correct answer, and if even a *word* is out of place, you’re ridiculed.

That always tends to upset, you, ruffle your feathers, but you don’t give in, not until you’re alone, in your dorm. Crying at the unfairness, wishing it were different.

Or in Cormac’s arms, wetting his sweater, his brain moving a mile a minute to try to say the right thing. He always held you so gently, he’s used to it. His experiments could go wrong with a moment’s change. He’s used to being patient, and tender.

He’s always trying to ask you about life in America, trying to find out what you hated, what you loved. His curiosity was never ending, it seemed. Sometimes, though, he could get a little caught up with his words, and you’d giggle at him, and help him along. This typically happened when he was trying to ask you out to go to the courtyards, or to library dates. He’d sneak food to you, and you two would have picnics near the sheep.

Whenever there weren’t too many teachers around, and when Hannah was in Perth, you two would cuddle on the grass, and sneak cheek and hand kisses in every now and then.

He’s an EXCELLENT cuddler by the way, lots of space to appreciate.

He knew mostly where you would be, and you him, but every now and then, one of ye’ wouldn’t respond to emails, but it’s usually due to an upset stomach, or too much studying. This wasn’t going to be the case ever time.

You were usually very attentive during class, doing classwork, writing down notes. However, one of these days, Cormac could tell something was wrong. Your head was down, and your binder was pressed tightly against your abdomen. Every now and then, he saw you scrunch your face in what seemed like pain, but he couldn’t put his finger on what the problem was.

It was a Friday, so you were free, and you and Cormac had plans to sleep in, and have another sheep picnic. At the moment, however, all you wanted to do was take a big fat nap, and sleep through the weekend.

As soon as class ended, you bolted out of the door, and Cormac tried to catch up, but Tara teased him, saying that you’d finally grown up, and wanted someone better than him. Your body was still, however, in too much pain to do focus.

He tried to get to you, but you were moving too fast, already halfway up the steps. He saw a portion of your khaki skirt, was red, and he began getting concerned, thinking you had began dying.

When you finished your shower, and began soaking your skirt, gone but never forgotten, you saw a cluster of emails from Cormac, asking if you were okay, dead, angry at him. Or needed medical attention. You were brought to tears, and instructed him to meet you at 7:00p.m., in front of the boy’s shower room, typically where Cormac would take you to his room, where you’d fall asleep on his bed, book on top of your face. He’d want to take a picture, and did, leaving it above his bed.

He met with you, and when he asked you if you were okay, a particularly tough cramp hit you like a truck, causing you to crumble. You groaned at the pain, and Cormac followed you down, asking if you were okay.

“Cormac, I’m cramping, just some pain.” you whispered, holding back tears

“What’re the cramps from? You eat something weird?” he asked, looking at you with concern.

“No, I’m on my period.” you said, sitting on the cold floor.

“Oh, you mean...menstruation. When you shed your uterine lining because your egg wasn’t fertilized, so now it’s coming out of your...um...lady....parts.” he stuttered, a blush forming on his face, followed by a look of concern.

You laughed at his explanation, and confirmed his suspicions, until another cramp hit you.

“Oh goodness, you must be suffering. I’ve heard that menstrual cramps are sometimes as bad as heart attacks.” he said, beginning to rub your stomach, helping soothe the pain.

You nodded again, and he led you to his room, grabbing you spare chocolate from when you were craving due to PMS, (unknowingly). He heated up a towel, and tucked you into your sleeping bag, his parallel to yours.

Tears began to escape from your eyes from his gestures, and he reached over to dry them.

“It’s okay to cry. Especially if you’re in a lot of pain. I think that it’s absolute bollocks that you feel like there’s something wrong for you for simply being human. It’s like a punishment for not getting pregnant. You didn’t ask for it.” he replied, letting you lay on top of him for the time being.

You smiled against him, but sadly woke up to more bloody underwear, and realizing that you’d leaked on Cormac. You shook him awake, and he didn’t even begin to panic, handing you a pair of spares, and a product through the door.

“Just a bit o’ blood. Nothing bleach or peroxide can’t fix.” he said, hugging you once again.

Cormac is very hesitant to kiss you on the lips. You pecked him once, and that sent him up the wall. His ears turned even more red, and his cheeks lit up.

He responded to your laughter with multiple face kisses, eventually landing one at your lips, lingering for a moment.

You cheered for his confidence, and you two went to a picnic the next day, the sheep happy to have you two there.

You felt completely over the moon to have Cormac as your partner. Even if he was a little shit sometimes, you wouldn’t have him another way.

Masterlist

[chilvanakin]

If I had to remember how it started, I would have to replay the flashback of being told that when I became obese at 15, that I couldn’t “come crying”. I was 8 when my dad told me this. Afterwards, I had this increasing feeling of being in the wrong body, like I had been misplaced at birth and was suddenly realizing it. I looked around at everyone else, having fun and enjoying their childhood while I compared me to them. I compared me to my best friend who I often I asked, “why can’t I look like you?”

I felt misplaced in a body that was my own, always had been, because someone else told me I was. How do you teach an 8 year old to go on a diet? I loved food, I was a picky eater but aren’t we all at that age? So how do you tell them that they need to change and that they don’t look pretty enough without traumatizing them? My dad now reafirms that he only said that to me because he wanted me to have high self esteem. He wanted me to “take care of myself”.

I developed anorexia at 14. I became obsessed with diet culture, “clean” eating, and exercising until I colapsed. I used my notebooks for tracking my daily intake and writing hateful messages to myself. I would motivate myself through my own hatred. Slowly, I decreased my meals until they weren’t even meals anymore. I thought I was being “healthy” by going on 3 to 4 day fasts, thinking that the kiwi I had before I began was enough. Newsflash, it wasn’t. But I continued.

My family situation got complex during this time. My parents were separated and I felt alone. I distanced myself from my friends and I had also stopped going to school. Everytime I talked to my dad through Skype, he would comment on how I was too thin. Amazingly so, I thought he was complimenting me. I got more and more obsessed, the loss of my period and hair became my motivation. The internet was my best friend because I read all about the “tips & tricks” of starving. I was tired, lonely, cold and angry. I had no patience and I was insufferable. This is what being malnourished will do to you.

After months and months of these rituals that and rules that seemed like an endless of “how to die in 10 days”, I tried to recover. How? By getting into fitness. I did Insanity while I was recovering, which was bullshit because that is NOT recovery. I didn’t challenge myself, I didn’t give my body time to rest- I exercised every day, I underfed and I normalized exhaustion. I was terrified of chocolate, processed foods and fats. The thought of putting on weight became a source of nightmares, LITERALLY. I would have NIGHTMARES about looking down at my body and seeing fat start to accumulate over my bones. Somehow, I thought that since I was exercising and eating more than my standard oatmeal and toast, that I was recovered.

I went to live with my father at 15. I feel like this decision shaped me as a person because I was forced to grow up way too fast. I made choices that no one should make a 15 year old make. At this point in time, I had put on weight and I was no longer exercising. My dad had a baby with this girlfriend of the time and all I wanted to do was be with my new baby brother. I didn’t think about food or dieting because I felt like somehow, watching him eat made me be at peace with food. My baby brother was growing and being nourished by the food we gave him and I wanted to make sure he was never hungry. It made me feel so happy to watch him laugh and wobble his way over to his mom for lunch time. I loved seeing him nibbling with a toothless mouth on a soft cookie, and offering the slobbered leftovers to me. That all stopped very suddenly, because my dad would start to make comments. Not only him, but his girlfriend too. Comments about how I was “eating too much” and how I “would look better if I was smaller”. I was experiencing extreme hunger when I moved in with my dad, because I had stopped exercising and my body no longer was focusing the energy on repairing my muscles, it was focusing on repairing me as a whole. I HAD to eat a lot because I needed to be healthy again. This was thrown completely out of the window and I caved into my disordered brain again. I felt almost grateful to them for motivating me to start losing weight again because I thought that it meant that they cared. So the food rules started again. It’s just that this time I didn’t need to learn the tips and tricks, I already knew them. Losing weight was easier now, and faster. So 2013 was the year I dedicated to my disorder. I restricted long enough that my hunger cues began to fade away. I thought that my body had gotten used to what I was eating. A green apple in the morning, some lettuce leaves and half a red bell pepper for lunch, and a single serving of prepackaged soup at night. My brain stopped screaming at me and I stopped thinking. I was reduced to being a zombie of my disorder. I stopped singing, I stopped writing, I stopped making art. I never cried, I laughed only when I was around other people. My body felt numb. I felt numb.

I remember taking showers and watching as day by day the fur growing all over my bones got longer and longer. I later found out that this is called “lanuga” which happens when you have lost an extreme amount of fat and your body reacts as an attempt at survival by growing these hairs, desperately trying to protect you. I felt tired, I couldn’t carry my baby brother anymore. He would ask me to hold him and I would try, but be very afraid of dropping him so I would have to refuse. I remember how upset he looked, we were so close. He loved being with me but I was so scared of him watching me do these things to myself. What if he learned from me? What if my actions stayed in his subconscious? I tried putting distance between us because of my fears. I hate myself for that because I miss him so much now, I miss the days we would spend and the naps we would take. I can’t take back that time.

We went to the doctor because I now, was at the brink of death. Truly I wish that I could say I’m being dramatic about that, but I’m not. My heart was weak and I could barely move. I was no longer sleeping and even sitting down hurt. My bones felt like knives crushing into my skin. I learned that I was at risk of heart failure and if I didn’t start recovering now, the next step would be having a tube thrusted down my throat. Force feeding. I couldn’t ever let that happen so I decided to once again, embarc on a lonely recovery path. As soon as I left the doctors, I told my dad to buy me chocolate. In response, he was annoyed. He thought that I was going to use my “verge of death illness” as an excuse to get obese. I cannot make this up y’all. He didn’t buy me shit and barked at me about how “you can eat at home”. Please, if anyone you know is going through restrictive eating disorder and they say they want chocolate- BUY THEM THE FUCKING CHOCOLATE!

I began refeeding and it was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. I couldn’t stomach food. I would eat and instantly have diarrhea. I had to have baby sized portions of food to be able to hold it down. This caused my weight to drop more, so I was now at the point where I actually did need to be hospitalized. I was afraid that I was going to die at any given point of the day. My dad once told me that “just because you have to start eating again doesn’t mean you can get as fat as you used to be”. I cried. This was the first time I had cried in so long. My numbed down feelings reflourished. The hate, the anger, the sadness I bottled up began overflowing. I didn’t stop eating, I gave myself the time I had to so I could stabilize myself. I was sent to go spend a few months with my dad’s girlfriend’s family. I barely knew these people, but they couldn’t handle me being this sick anymore. They didn’t want me. I was a bad influence to my brother. I was hurting them. My dad would have hated me if I told him I needed to be in the hospital, because that’s too much money so this was the easy way out. I guess if I needed to be hospitalized while I was there, it wouldn’t have to come out of his pocket.

I hated being away from my baby brother. I hated acting happy all the time when I was so depressed and furious. I tried making friends during my time away and all of them idolized my sick body. They asked me how I got to that point. I remember telling them I was sick, that I had to eat. They made me feel like that wasn’t neccesary, that I looked like a model. I ate anyway. I couldn’t go back home and still be sick, that would mean that I would be hated by them and maybe even have to leave home.

After a few months I gained some weight. I went back home. I asked my dad’s girlfriend if I was “fine now”, as in “am I not scary anymore”. She said I still looked very thin, but that it was fine. She told me not to go overboard. This meant “DO. NOT. GET. FAT.”

My dad and his girlfriend separated after a year and a half of my recovery. This whole period was very stressful since I was left alone with my dad. I was weight restored and I found some kind of peace with having no peace. I lived with the comments as a daily thing. “Don’t eat that, why don’t you do some arm exercises, you don’t really want that, why don’t those pants fit you anymore.” I got used to feeling foreign in my body. So being extremely malnourished was bad, bein inbetween wasn’t good enough and being restored to my set weight was just awful. I had no idea who I was or what I was supposed to be. I hated myself and I got used to that.

I am now 23 years old and I relapsed a few months ago. I understand now that I was never recovered. I was begging for help for years, but I got irritation and annoyance as a response. I never stopped having food rules, I never stopped being afraid of food. I cannot recover until my brain is completely rewired. I have to eat. I have to lose my fear around food. I have to HATE my disorder and push it out of every one of my pores until I am completely cleansed of it. I remember reading about how “this disorder never leaves you and you will always struggle with it”. I believed that for so long. I believed that I was never going to stop being afraid. I’m tired of feeling comfortable with my anorexia when it has ruined me to the point of feeling completely astranged from my body. I want to know who I am and not hate myself for it. I can’t recover fully until I rewire myself. Keep this with you. You cannot believe you are recovered just because some doctor tells you that you are weight restored. Your food rules need to disappear competely, you need to challenge yourself even if it terrifies you. I am so afraid, but I don’t ever want to go down this disordered path again. I want to spend time with the people that love me and not let anything get in my way. I am young and I am smart. So are you. Eat your fears.

[laws-yellow-submarine]

NSFW Alphabet: Law

Hello anons! Since you both asked for Law I combined the asks. Normally I probably wouldn’t do the whole thing at once, but I figured it was fair since I’ve been gone a couple days (plus Law is my boy and I’m beyond happy to write anything with him haha) I hope you enjoy! It’s under the cut (that should actually work this time haha)

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

    He’s not particularly affectionate in any kind of setting, and after sex is no different. He’ll make sure they’re ok, and maybe give them a kiss or two, but unless his partner asks for more that’s about all he’ll really do

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

    On him: His hands. They’re a surgeon’s hands; long, methodical, precise. He does all his most important work with those hands, and they’re very skilled ;)

    On his partner: Thighs. He really loves squeezing them, running his hands over them, and especially loves having them around his ears ;)

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

    Being a doctor, bodily fluids don’t necessarily bother him per se, but he’s still not a huge fan of having any on him and will try to clean up ASAP after sex

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

    He gets really horny when he’s drunk, and has gotten into some embarrassing situations because of it. Because of this he’ll typically limit himself to one or two light drinks over the course of an evening, and it takes a lot of convincing to get him to drink more than that.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

    It really could go either way on whether he has much practical experience in the act, but the man definitely knows what he’s doing. He knows exactly what points to stimulate and that more than makes up for any lack of actual experience he may have

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

    Doggy style, simply because it gives him the best control over the situation from that angle, and he can reach more sensitive spots from that angle

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

    He’s not a goofy person in general, and while he understands situations can happen that might cause a giggle or two, being too goofy and silly during sex is a bit of a turn off for him, and if you’re laughing too much he actually takes it a little personally, whether that’s warranted or not

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

    He’s well groomed, though not clean shaven as he understands the important of having hair there

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

    If he’s with someone he really cares about (as opposed to just letting off some steam with a stranger) he’ll be more likely to pull them close to him in the act, as well as lay more kisses on them rather than just going through the motions. If he doesn’t care he’s very clinical about his ministrations, and while it’s still pleasurable it can often come across as forced. When he’s with someone he cares about though, each touch means something and you can really tell the difference

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

    He doesn’t masturbate too often, usually only if they’ve been at sea for a while without docking and his stress levels are rather high. He can typically go a while without feeling any urges

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

    This man is very much so into bondage, whether on himself or his partner, as well as begging, teasing, edging, all that fun stuff. He’s a man who likes to be in control

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

    He typically sticks to the bedroom, but another fun place is actually in his lab in the medbay. It kinda fulfills a doctor sex fantasy he doesn’t realize he has until he does it

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

    He wants someone that challenges him in some way, whether intellectually or just by being a smartass in conversation with him, being slightly irritated with someone turns him on. It goes back to the whole control thing, and wanting to exert dominance in some way over somebody

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

    While he’s not opposed to getting bodily fluids on him during surgery or something medical related, he flat out will not do anything involving bodily waste during sex. The health risks are too high for him, and he doesn’t like being dirty like that

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

    He enjoys receiving but he loves loves loves giving, and you can bet your ass he’s good at it. He enjoys watching his partner squirm as he changes his pace and force behind his tongue in just the right moments to drive them crazy

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

    He’ll change it up depending on his mood and who he’s with, sometimes even during the same session just to keep his partner guessing. Usually he tends to be rougher during foreplay, then switches to more sensual during actual intercourse to prolong the act

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

    In a pinch he’s not opposed to a quickie, but he definitely prefers to actually have the time to do the deed. He likes to take his time with his partner, and a quickie doesn’t allow for that

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

    He’s not too risky, to be honest, especially when it comes to anything health related. Basically he always wears a condom. Always. Good luck convincing him to go without one.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

    He’s got ok stamina during intercourse, but he makes up for any shortcomings (ha) with prolonged foreplay

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

    He doesn’t have any himself (unless you count like handcuffs/rope/blindfold type things as toys?) but he’s not opposed to using them on a partner if they have one. He’s just not into it for himself

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

    He is relentless. I’m so sorry to any partners this man has had (but then again, I don’t feel that bad haha)

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

    Other than a few grunts and groans he doesn’t make too much noise, he’s more focused on what he’s doing

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

    His head is really sensitive, pulling his hair one way can turn him on, but another way or too hard can cause quite a bit of pain, so proceed with caution (that being said he does love having his partner run their fingers through his hair, not even just sexually, it’s just really relaxing for him)

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

    He’s a little above average size (xl condom size), and a grower not a shower

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

    As I said before he can handle going quite a while without having any sexual urges, and typically unless he’s in a relationship sex for him is a form of stress relief. This doesn’t change too much when he’s in a relationship, but he is more likely to engage in sex for fun, and will initiate it more himself

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

    Sex is one of the few things that actually does tire him out enough to sleep, so when he’s with his partner he falls asleep pretty quickly (though he’s not asleep for very long unfortunately). If he’s with a stranger though he’ll wait until he’s back to his sub before passing out for a good nap

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #232

“i’ve never bought a suit before in my life, but when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice.”

Do you have trouble typing when the room is dark? No, I don't look at the keyboard. When’s the last time you had a headache? I had an abomination of a three-day-long headache before my cycle like a week or two back or something. How often do you take surveys? Not as much as I used to now that I actually have school, but occasionally. What did you last write on paper? I think some items to Mom's shopping list? Does anything on your body hurt? No. What do you currently hear? "Bullet" by Hollywood Undead. I can hear cars outside, as well as Bentley biting himself incessantly. Sounds gross. Do you have any goals you’re trying to fulfill? As for in the near future, hopefully - I'd pray if I believed in it by this point - start losing weight again. Grow more in my photography, 1.) because I want this so badly and 2.) there's no way I could handle the stress of school and a "real" job but we're in serious need of money right now. I'd really like to make progress with driving too, but I haven't been able to in months because a headlight in broken, the license plate or whatever is expired, and the car can't pass inspection, so Mom doesn't want me at the steering wheel and get pulled over for it. Being on the borderline poverty line is A BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you ever do the dishes? I'mma be real, real honest here. Not really. Reason being we don't have a dishwasher and I am super queasy actually hand-cleaning dirty dishes, I get frustrated because I feel I don't clean them well enough (being a germaphobe is also fun), and my OCD goes absolutely insane trying to play Tetris with the drying rack thingy. All that being said, it's my least-favorite chore. At your house, does everyone eat together as a family? No. We started to drift apart when I was... maybe a pre-teen? When did you last have butterflies in your stomach? Sara decided she wanted to try making out and I was fucking terrified of going too far or scaring her. Are you independent or dependent? I'm embarrassingly dependent. Who last made you smile? My pup. How did you find Bzoink? Taking surveys for so long. What’s your dream job? If travel and heat weren't considered, a meerkat biologist. Do you brush your teeth twice every day? Just once. Do you have a pool? No. Are the streetlights on? We don't have streetlights on my road. When you wear a hoodie, do you pull the sleeves over your hands? Not unless I'm really cold. Do you trust anyone, besides yourself, fully? Sara. I would say Mom, but I'm entirely aware she's lied and made stories up about Dad. Do you believe the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”? No. I've never really understood this. People change. Are you in any advanced classes at school? I bypassed the freshman English class, yeah. Well, is that considered "advanced?" I don't believe it's like an AP course or anything, but it's not a class I'm supposed to be taking as a freshman, so??? How often do you eat your favorite food? Every once in a while. Have you ever fallen asleep on public transport? (including planes) Probably. What was the last TV show you watched? Uhhhh I think it was all the way back when Colleen and I were still friends and we checked out The Good Doctor. Or it was either Parks and Recreation with Sara and her family or Avatar: The Last Airbender, also with Sara. Where was the last place you went on vacation/holiday to? Who’d you go with? The beach with Colleen, her husband, and their son. Well, does that count since it was only for a day? Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? I don't have a job. What’s your favorite type of donut? It varies between chocolate frosted, glazed, and plain. What do you usually eat for breakfast? If I even eat, it'll probably be like, a meal replacement shake or Pop-Tart. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Surprisingly. When was the last time you went out for dinner? Like at a sit-down restaurant? Hm. I think it was El Tapatio with my mom and Nicole maybe near two months ago. What was the last thing you said to someone else in person? Idr, something to Mom. Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely? Windows. How many times do you call someone on the phone a week? Like zero, usually. Have you cooked anything today? What was it? No. Do you have a lot of cousins? What are their names? Yeah. I'm not sharing all their names on the Internet, and besides, I don't even know most. What does your shampoo smell like? I don’t know. What about the body wash or soap you’re using at the moment? I don't remember, even though I got out of the shower like an hour ago. Any movies you’ve seen recently that you’d recommend to me? No, I barely ever watch movies. Why did you last go see a doctor? The primary reason was for my night terrors. Do you know how to play Minesweeper? No. What was the last thing you bought online? A new heat lamp for my snake Venus. Where do you usually park your car? I don't have a car, but Mom parks in the driveway behind the house. Does your mail get delivered to your house or do you have to collect it? It's put in the mailbox on the other side of the road. Are you more logical or creative? Creative, I'd say. Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you? Usually. How many times a year do you go on vacation? Pretty much never. Can you curl your tongue or do anything else cool with it? I can curl it a little bit, but my snake eyes piercing prevents me from doing it all that well. What was the last job interview you went to? For a deli position at a Food Lion. Got the job, lasted not even two hours. :^) What embarrassing music do you listen to? I'm not really *embarrassed* of any I listen to. Just kinda surprising to admit to some people sometimes. What’s your biggest talent? Writing, I guess? What’s the best gift you ever received? My dog. What fear would you like to overcome? More than ANYTHING? Probably being judged in a negative way or being seen as "weird," and not in a good way. AvPD is a bitch and makes me less open about myself (mostly just irl, but yeah), which I REALLY don't like. Would you rather ride in a hot air balloon or hang-glide? Hm, hang-glide, maybe. I dunno. What habit would you like to break? Procrastinating, lately. Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I can think of a few, but here's the one that had the most biggest effect on me, I think. There was one time Jason and I were kissing, I told him I loved him, and he whispered, "I love you too, wife," before going back to kissing me. Remembering that still hurts, a lot. I know now us separating was for the better, I don't want someone who doesn't have faith in my strength, just the memories like those from the time I was convinced our love story was a fairy tale are very painful. Just typing it caused a discomfort in my stomach. What’s your worst personality trait? Laziness, probably. Or impulsiveness. Have you ever cheated on a test? No. What’s your favorite karaoke song? I don't sing karaoke. Do you know anyone with two different colored eyes? I don't believe so. What was the last thing you bought for someone else? Sara's anniversary present, which was a pillow that said something along the lines of, "Hug this pillow until you can hug me" or something. Do you like hot fudge sundaes? My fat ass can't even associate with you if you don't like HOT FUDGE SUNDAES????????????? Do you like to sleep a lot? It's funny, I tend to like naps during the day, yet I don't look forward to trying to go to sleep at night. It always takes longer, and there's also the possibility of just waking back up and struggling to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. Is there a garbage can in the room you’re currently in? No. Have you ever been in a class that you thought you were too smart for? I don't think so. Can you type without looking at the keyboard? Yeah. We had a mandatory typing course in middle school, so I learned it exceptionally well. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Who was the last person you apologized to? Maybe Sara? Do you throw things when you’re frustrated? NO. I am very conscious of not expressing my anger with physical violence of any sort. How much do you get paid at your current job? N/A Are your friends mostly older than you or younger than you? I think younger. Would you ever get a pet tarantula? Nah. Do you want to dye your hair? Ugh, you have no idea. What’s your favorite zoo animal? Meerkats, duh. Is there anything in your room you’d be ashamed to show to your parents? I'm VERY self-conscious of my artwork, so I'd be mortified if my mom saw my drawings, even though there's nothing "wrong" with them. I'm just shy about 'em. Have you ever accused someone of cheating when they weren’t? Yeah, hence the end of that day-long relationship. Him cheating was a lie from his insane ex, but at the time, I just believed it, but it was absolutely for the better. He wasn't for me. I really shoulda just listened when my art teacher literally took me aside one day and warned me about him. Wha'd'ya know, he wound up on house arrest or something similar, and who the hell knows what he's done by now. When was the last time you played hide and seek? I played with my niece and nephew some months ago. Don’t you hate when people stare at you? Fuckin' yes. I'm too self-conscious for that shit. Have you ever accidentally caught yourself on fire? Well thank god no. Are you Jewish? No. Does anyone copy the things you do? No. Is your dad still alive? Yes, yay. Have you done anything lately that you instantly felt was a mistake? Possibly. What melts your heart/makes your knees weak? Watching Mark with kids causes me severe physical pain. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape. What are your views on spontaneous human combustion? Freaky. Parasite Eve first made me think "oh shit what if this could actually happen," and I've also watched a Shane Dawson video about it, and the idea of it possibly being a real thing is absolutely terrifying. How many dryer sheets do you put in an average load of laundry? I think Mom uses one or two? I dunno. Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship? No. What is your favorite frozen treat? Ice cream. Do you have a sexual fantasy? ...What is it? There's probably something I could think up. Maybe like bang on a church pew or something lmao idk. Who was the last person to insult you? I'm not sure. What color is your brush/comb/whatever? White. Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? It is almost entirely impossible. Have you ever purposely given someone wrong directions? No, but then again, it's not like I even give them. I have a horrible sense of direction and don't know street names, highway numbers and locations... What is your favorite thing to do with your best friend? I'm not sure. Everything is fun with her. Are you easily offended? It depends. In most contexts, no. Have you ever acted as tour guide for friends/relatives from out of town? Not really. If you were an anime character, would you be a yandere or a tsundere? HAHAHA I AM PAINFULLY A YANDERE. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? No, because I like to see. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Ha ha, this reminds me tho, I can't recall if he did it once or just WANTED to, but my brother may have gone into one, yelled "BINGO," and immediately left. Did your parents ever collect any magazines they didn’t want you to read? Uhhhh no. I'm quiiiiite sure neither of my parents had those. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? No. I probably would if I had excess money and really believed in it, though. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? Because Jason's favorite thing in the world was the Joker, seeing purple and bright green together is one I just prefer not to see. I wouldn't call it a PTSD trigger, like I don't freak out about it, it's just like an "ugh ew" sorta thing. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? No. I cringe 90% of the time when they pop up. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. Have you ever had to provide an alibi for something? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I have a Batman one I'm trying to shrink back into that says something like "I wish I was Batman but I'm poor and hate fighting" & I love it. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Idk off the top of my head. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? Cats, I think? If so, what did you do with it? Fed it with the other cats, and I'd assume Mom would've called the owner's number if given. If you could grow a beard or a mustache, would you? I'm a cisgender female so like... Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? I'm proud of just how deeply and genuinely I care about people. And my writing and photography, mostly. What does the nicest dish set you own look like? All our dishes are literally the same, and they're ancient. I think they were my grandma's but given to Mom. Pattern's worn and everything. They're ceramic with a floral design. Why did you stop working at the last place you were employed? I absolutely cannot be in a position of responsibility or customer service, and the environment was way too busy. What would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? I... don't know how I would react? Picturing it, I first feel like I'd be so happy for him, but I KNOW my PTSD would act up at some point shortly after and I would probably end up in a bawling ball (lol "bowling ball" that wasn't intended sorry) because "that was supposed to be me," but then I'd be fine again after I got all that emotion out. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in front of you? Someone at school. You can smoke outside, and it's the one thing I don't like about my college. Are you very close to your siblings? Not nearly as close as I wish we were. How often do you watch the news? Never. Do you have a dishwasher? No. What is the worst lie you’ve ever told? I don't like talking about it. Well, it wasn't a lie, but I stretched the truth because anxiety's a goddamn asshole. Where is the last place you drove to? I drove to, probably home. What is your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King. I may even like the live-action remake more, but I can't say with certainty. Do you have a fan in your room? Yeah. What color is your lampshade? I don't have a lamp. Do you like to wear belts? Not anymore. What is the most expensive electronic in your room? This laptop. Only a year old and yet it's so abused with how much it's used. Are you involved with any charity work? I wish I was in the position where I could, anyway. Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? No. Have you ever hatched an egg? OKAY SO! I remember in elementary school, maybe like 1st grade or something, we incubated a chicken egg and hatched it. I can't remember where it went. Do you chew gum on a daily basis? No, I rarely do. What brand shampoo do you use? Suave. When is the last time you went to an amusement park? Years ago shortly before the breakup with Jason and Dillon. Or Dustin. Whatever his name was. Do you have a garden shed in your backyard? Nope. Are you obsessed with anything? Y'all know I don't know how to love in moderation, not even remotely. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I hate diet, and the artificial sweetener also gives me serious headaches. Who was the last person you hugged? My mom, maybe? What did you do when you found out Michael Jackson died? We were swimming in the pool while Mom or Dad was grilling, idr. What’s your best friend’s favorite band? Pink Floyd, Evanescence, and Within Temptation. What’s your favorite kind of beer? Never tried it, don't want to. How do you get songs out of your head? Binge it 'til I'm tired of it lmao. Have you seen all the High School Musicals? I've only seen the first two. Do you dress appropriately for your age? I don't know? Probably not? Do "normal" 23-year-olds wear graphic tees? What’s your favorite word? "Serendipity." What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? A serious stomach virus that made me puke all the food I'd eaten since birth. Do you take compliments well? Of course I appreciate them, but I get shy. Are excessive piercings sexy or trashy? Well they're definitely not "trashy," but SERIOUSLY excessive ones, I don't usually find attractive. But it really depends on the person, the size, and where. What do you put on toast? Cinnamon, sugar, and butter. The Southern cinnamon toast. Have you ever watched Fear Factor? I LOVED it when I was younger, and I still enjoy it if I happen to see it. Joe Rogan was one of my earliest crushes, too. How many songs do you have on iTunes? Over 1k. What song reminds you of summer? MAN I remember as a kid, back when I liked country, my sisters and I loved "When The Sun Goes Down" by Kenny Chesney. Big summer vibes. Has a bird ever flown into your window? OH WOW I don't think so, but I do remember one flew into the car's grill when I was very young and going on a trip. Safe to say it died.

[brushbugbones]

When it’s getting bad again: My personal tips on dealing with depression

A necessary disclaimer: I am in no way a mental health care professional, not even close. These are lessons and tips I’ve managed to accumulate in my short 17 years of life, from both online research and talking to others to find out what works best for me and others. They won’t completely fix your life but they sure as hell do some good. So please don’t @ me, this is just my daily contribution to society (and also a way to deal with my own issues lol) . 

1.                 Not everything you’re told will work

I spend a lot of time doing research of depression and anxiety so it’s safe to say I’ve seen a lot of stuff that works for others and does nothing for me. A common occurrence might be things like ‘read your favourite book over again, have a warm bubble bath, take a nap, love yourself more’ etc. sure, these things might work for you but I find them very temporary solutions to what can be a very long term problem. This is not to say that you shouldn’t do things like these, except when it comes to serious mental health problems they can have little effect on your overall wellbeing and leave you feeling the same as before.

Know that you will need more realistic solutions, taking real care of yourself is a very difficult act on days when you don’t feel like you feel anything, so find things that really impact you and don’t feel bad if you cope differently from others (as long as it is still a healthy technique)

2.        Please take care of yourself

There are going to be times when you wake and you just know  it’s going to be one of those days, where all strength and motivation has leaked from your body and the thought of leaving your bed makes you sick to your stomach. Trust me, I know.

Nothing you feel can be solved by doing nothing about it. Get out of your bed, make it, grab and entire set of clean clothes (underwear, socks, a bra, the whole sha-bang) and take a god damn shower. Clean yourself, brush your teeth and your hair, put on those clothes (whether it’s a nice outfit or just another set of pajamas) and go from there. I cannot stress how important basic hygiene is, and I hate to admit it but I’ve gone days  without showering or brushing my teeth. Disgusting, I know, but it’s the truth. And it only made me feel 100x worse, so pull yourself together for just 20 minutes of your day to take care of your body. This goes the same for eating, whether you eat too much or too little as well as what you put in your body. A healthy body doesn’t directly correlate to a healthy mind but it sure as hell helps. While you read this, think about the following questions:

When was the last time I ate in general? When was the last time I ate something that wasn’t junk food or absolutely full of sugar/carbs? When was the last time I drank a full glass of cold water? Chances are that if you feel like complete shit then you need to do one of these things. Drink some damn water, eat something that either has protein, good fats, is a vegetable/fruit or has vitamins in it.

3.               Dealing with isolation

Despite what I’ve heard a lot, isolating yourself is okay to a certain extent. By this I mean, its okay to spend the day away from people, to just sleep for a while and to be totally alone for a while. Maybe it’s just the natural introvert in me, but I need time alone to ‘recharge my batteries’ and to just think for a while. And this is entirely okay, some days you won’t feel like talking to others (whether its people you’re close to or people you aren’t) and you just need a break. However, there is a point where it will begin to affect your mental health. Humans are social animals and if you spend all your time alone you will see some negative effects eventually.

How you deal with feeling isolated depends on what situation you find yourself in. Personally, my feelings of isolation correlate with my living conditions; if I spend all my time in a dark and very messy place (like my bedroom a lot of the time) I only end up in a worse place mentally. Solution: get up, open my blinds, take the cups and bowls littering the room out to the sink and clean up even just a little bit. You’ll notice that this is very similar to my last point, your environment will definitely affect your body’s health, so spending my time in a clean and bright place makes me feel much more open to others and a lot lighter in general.

Obviously dealing with your own isolation might be different to mine, put here are some suggestions.

Turn on your lights and open up your space, leave the damn house and go for a walk, go to a café and sit and drink coffee or tea or whatever, walk aimlessly around a sunny park with your loudest music playing in some headphones. Talk to somebody you love or just another person, check emails, notifications and the mail. Make yourself aware of the outside world.

Get the help you need, please. If you’re in school then chances are there’s a counselor or a teacher that will just listen. See a therapist if you can afford it, or talk to one online for cheaper options. You can’t help yourself on your own.

4.               Sort out your priorities

I’m just going to put this out straightforward. That thing that’s worrying you or than you’re putting off for whatever reason. Do it as soon as possible (insert shia labeouf ‘just do it’ meme). An essay you’re scared of writing, a test you won’t study for because you think you’ll fail anyway, that conversation you’re afraid of having, the accumulating pile of laundry slowly growing in the corner or even the tower of dishes building in the sink. All these things will only lead to bad days in the future if you don’t take care of them now. You can’t keep telling yourself that treating yourself is taking a nap or having a hot bath, it doesn’t fix any of those problems you have. Sometime selfcare is just fixing the source of your worries and anxieties.

5.               A small change is still a step in the right direction

(gonna warn you now, this is about to get kind of emotional and personal)

In the last 5 years of my life my depression and anxiety hits me on and off. It was a serious issue during my middle years of high school, where I let my marks slip and my relationships deteriorate because I couldn’t feel anything but numbness. It got better for a while and I had felt the happiest in a very long time, but over the last year it started getting bad again and it absolutely terrified me. I was in year 11 of high school and I needed to be in the best mindset possible, my relationship with my dad was is the best place it had ever been and I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. For a few months I let myself go back to the person I was before, and about 6 months ago I realised I needed to do something about it. I started regularly researching on mental illness, opening myself up to people in my life so I would be comfortable talking about my feelings, I let some close friends take me to a local religious youth group so I could feel more connected to a god I believed in and I tried my best to keep going, and I still am. This sounds horrifically cheesy, but living is different from surviving, take care of yourself and be realistic. Some days you will feel fucking horrible and nothing will feel like it helps, but you cannot let these days or weeks or months or moments stop you from doing the things that made you happy. Slowly my bad months with a few good moments or days turned into good months with some bad moments and days, but progress is still progress and if you don’t feel like complete crap then you’re probably doing something right.

[omgkarensgillan]

Berlin, I love You || Gilmell

@omgstephenamell

Karen: Karen was shocked to say the least when she found out that Stephen was in Berlin and was wanting to stay with her too, she had no idea he would be in the area he had told her that he was going back to the States so for him to just show up in Berlin it was a treat for her. She smiled brightly at every text from him, the problem with staying away from her friends for so long was the struggle of missing them so much. Sure, she would make new friends but this was always a struggle. She knew that she didn't have very many friends growing up so to be a 'grown up' and having all these friends now it was a weird feeling but she loved it. Cleaning up her flat the empty boxes of food were spilling over the trash she decided to empty it and take the rest of it downstairs. Heading back up she showered quickly and tied her hair back in a messy bun, she opted for black leggings and an oversized long sleeve shirt when she was getting dressed. Hearing the door she headed over to let him in, she smiled seeing him "Steve!!" she said throwing her arms around him.

Stephen: Stephen had been needing an excuse to visit Berlin and he kept putting it off, always finding some reason not to go. But now, he figured he was close, and rather than return to his lonely apartment in LA, he would spend the weekend with his friend Karen. They had only just met but she was fun and sweet and the older male loved teasing her. The fact that she was beautiful wasn't lost on him either. After paying the cab driver and heading up to the apartment, he hesitated momentarily before knocking, wondering why exactly he'd decided now to visit. He would have time to think about that later as he raised his hand to knock softly. He was met with fiery red hair and a killer smile, causing him to smile himself. "Hey you." He said, rubbing her back. "How are you?"

Karen: She grinned and rested her head in the crook of his shoulder as he hugged her. The fact this man smelled amazing after a flight was impressive. She could feel him rubbing her back and it was relaxing. "I'm grand and yourself?"

Stephen laughed and shook his head. "And where does grand fit on the feel good scale? Above or below great?" He teased, finally breaking the hug. "You gonna invite me in or am I sleeping out here?" He laughed, shaking his head as he stepped inside the room. "Oh nice. Someone is stepping up in the world. This place is bigger than my apartment."

Karen: "Grand is good like higher than good"She smiled at his remark about the size of her place "It's not too shabby you know?" She said heading towards the kitchen " can I get you something to drink?"

Stephen "That's grand to know." He teased, giving her a wink before stepping into her apartment. He looked around and took in all the sights before making his way to the kitchen. He didn't want to presume that he had free reign around the place but given how accommodating the redhead was being, he immediately felt welcome. "I'll take whatever you have. A beer, soda, water. I'm not picky." He said, shedding his jacket and hanging it on the back of the chair.

Karen: She laughed and shook her head sending a wink his way "touche" she said walking into the kitchen and opening her fridge "bold of you to assume that a lady such as myself would drink beer" she said teasing him before opening the fridge and saying "I have tons of things to drink"

Stephen The banter and teasing between them felt easy and Stephen could see himself spending more time with her as their friendship grew. She was so funny and could definitely keep him on his toes, which is something he liked. "Are you kidding? Most women I know drink wine and those fruity drinks. I'm more impressed if you do drink beer." Grinning, he leaned over the counter and looked inside, pointing to the beer sitting on the shelf. "I'll take one of those, please and thank you."

Karen: She felt a true connection between the pair of them she smiled and blushed just a bit he was gorgeous and she was weird she got him the drink and opened it herself without a bottle opener "I was once a bartender in my wee years"

Stephen just stared when she opened the bottle with her bare hands. It wasn't a hard feat to accomplish but he was still impressed by the actress. He loved finding out new things about people that no one else got to know. "Well aren't you just a conundrum? I think I'm going to have fun getting to know you better. Should we start with a round of 20 questions?" He teased, taking a drink of the beer.

Karen: She rested her head on her chin and looked over at him "I'm down but let's go to the couch don't need you laughing so hard you land on your arse off that stool" she said walking back into the room and patting his shoulder "no need to frighten the people who live below me"

Stephen "Are you calling me fat, Karen? That's hurtful. Do I need to show you my abs again?" He smirked, grabbing the beer and following her to the couch. He sat down opposite her, shifting his weight so he was facing her, resting his elbows on the back of it. "Before we start, I should thank you for letting me stay here. It saves me a lot of trouble." He said, offering her a genuine smile. "Okay, you go. Ask me anything. One night only, no question is too much or too personal." He might regret it later but for now, he didn't care.

Karen: "no you are all muscles" she said "the fat one here is me and that nap I took before you came" she said sitting on the couch looking at him her wide eyes narrowing in on him "hmm might regret that "

Stephen "If you're fishing for compliments, then you used the right bait because you are anything but fat. I mean, come on. I watched Jumanji. You shut up with that negativity right now." He said, wiggling his finger at her. "Now, there is obviously some things I won't answer but I doubt we'll get to that level of questioning. I'm just saying that if we start listing off things we don't want to talk about, that list will get quite long and we won't talk at all. If you do happen to hit on one I don't want to answer, I'll say so and move on." He clarified, shrugging his shoulders. "Some things should stay personal. But other than that, we should be good to go." Stephen was usually an open book but even he had limits.

Karen joined the chat 10 days ago

Karen: She smiled and felt like an idiot at her comment "I was joking" she said before taking a simple sip of her drink and looking at him "sounds fair, mind you it's getting me to shut up rather than be quiet when it comes to personal things. Unless you're an interviewer then I'm like nope."

Stephen took a drink of his beer before setting it down on the table, folding a leg underneath him as he tried to think of a question to get them started off. "Interviewers and paparazzi are the worst. They have no sense of boundaries and only care about scandals most of the time." He explained, shaking his head. "With that being said, what's the worst question you've ever been asked during an interview?"

Karen: She laughed and said "Oh Lord there's been so many any sexist questions. How do you get your abs looking so good? "

Stephen laughed and shook his head. "Out of all of the questions, that's the first one you go with?" He teased, shaking his head again before speaking. "A lot of trips to the gym and exercising. It takes a lot of work to look like this."

Karen: She nodded her head and said "yes! I had to go with the worst question first" she said "I mean it's better in person"

Stephen He smirked, chuckling softly. "Why do they keep offering roles where your accent is hidden? Are they scared of the Scottish language?"

Karen: "I think so, I think they just want to make me more appealing to the general masses" she said "feck it right? "

Stephen "Well I love it so you know, stand up to then and start using your influence to make it happen. They made an animated movie with an actual Scottish princess, surely they can give you one role." He smirked, taking another sip of his beer. "Next question."

Karen: She smiled softly looking at him "Well thank you so much! I know I wanna be Merida but they won't do a live action of her. Hmm dream role you have? "

Stephen "You never know. If they keep on the path they are now, pretty soon every animated Disney movie will be live action so perhaps you'll get your chance." He said, resting his head in his hand. "I've been playing a hero for the past eight years and I'd really love to try my hand at a villain. It doesn't matter who but yeah, I think it would be fun."

Karen: "Nebula is so much fun to play with after being Amy for as long as I was being naughty is fun. But she's a hero now so not sure about that anymore. You'd be a delicious baddie. "

Stephen "You can still make her naughty as a good guy. I mean you did it pretty well in Guardians 2 and End Game. It's all about the delivery. She was still a badass, even if she is a good guy now." The Canadian complimented, rolling his eyes at her compliment. "Are you hungry? Because I'm not sure being a delicious baddie is what I want." He teased, a small laugh escaping him.

Karen: She laughed at his comments "no! Not hungry, " she said, shaking her head "I can have her go a bit wild"

Stephen "You definitely should. It'll make the next installment that much more enjoyable." He teased, crinkling his nose. "Who is your dream costar? And you can't tell me because that's cheating." He smirked, taking a swig of his beer.

Karen: "Damn it I wanted to say you! " She said pouting in his direction adorably so, "hmm I wanna work with Steve Martin"

Stephen "Us working together is no longer a pipe dream. With your writing skills and my friendship with you, you can write us something fun to star in." Her answer caused him to nod, a smile playing on his lips. "Same. I would love to work with him as well. As well as Tom Hanks and Morgan Freeman. It would literally be a dream come true."

Karen: "you're right, I think it would have to be a rom com of sorts " she said booping his nose " I worked with Tom he's great to work with!"

Stephen laughed and rolled his eyes. "A rom com? Really? How about an action movie with romantic undertones? I don't know if I'm made for romcoms." He teased, swatting her hand away playfully. "I'm insanely jealous of you right now. I mean it's just not fair." He smirked, shaking his head. "Your turn Kar."

Karen: She smiled and said " Yes you and your smile definitely can be a rom com " she said "top five actresses you wanna kiss"

Stephen "Perhaps one day. I'm not sure if it'll happen given that I'm reaching 40 but if you write it, I might star in it." He thought hard about the question, tapping his fingers on the back of the couch. "Halle Berry, Ann Hathaway, Charlize Theron, Gal Gadot, and... well I could say you but I feel like I could kiss you right now with your permission and I'm basing this on females I'll never get to kiss so my last one is going to be Jennifer Lawrence."

Karen: She looked at him "I can definitely see it" she said nodding her head slightly tipsy when he said he wanted to kiss her right now. "Is that your question to kiss me?"

Stephen wasn't drunk, he wasn't even tipsy yet but the appeal of the redhead across from him made him wish he was. It would have been easy for him to close the gap and just kiss her while his inhibitions were down but given that he was sober and would most likely ruin their friendship was giving him pause. "It was going to be one of them eventually. Perhaps later after dinner and when we were slightly more inebriated. Not that I don't want to kiss you sober but I'm just not sure it's what either of us really... needs right now." He wasn't making any sense, perhaps it was the hunger or how tired he was but as he made eye contact with her, he bit his lip. "I just don't want to regret anything tomorrow, you know?"

Karen: She looked at him and felt the weight of the question she could read his mind. He didn't want to kiss her just yet, but she wasn't going to let that hinder the fun they were having. She felt her own stomach growl "Perhaps food, food would be better .."

Stephen hoped that he hadn't hurt her feelings by his words. It wasn't like he didn't want to kiss her but he wanted to make sure it was something they both wanted and that the timing was right. Even if it wasn't tonight. "Yes food. I haven't eaten since that layover in New York. Lead the way beautiful." He said, offering her a warm smile.

Karen: She took his hand "Damn well we ought to get you fed then shouldn't we?" She said heading to the kitchen " take out tonight then I'll do my tourist gig for you deal? "

Stephen "Yes. Food is good. I'm starving." He teased, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. "Order whatever you want for the two of us. I'm not picky." He said, standing up from his place on the couch. "I'm going to go get us some ice. Be right back."

Karen: "Ok, hope you like haggis" she said back to him she settled on a good restaurant she became fond of recently. Berlin while it had its own charm didn't fail when it came to food, the cuisine here was slowly becoming her favorite. Smiling she dialed the restaurant and ordered in broken German.

Stephen "I've never had it but uh, it sounds... interesting." He smirked before heading into the guest room. He quickly changed out of his travel clothes and put on something more comfortable and clean before heading back out to where Karen was. "Now I can get some ice. I had to get out of those clothes." He headed out the door and to the ice machine a few feet down, filling the bucket before heading back. "All set. Now we're just waiting on the food. Shall we continue with the questions?"

Karen: She chuckled when he came back in with the ice "Thanks for the ice, ice, baby" she said laughing before nodding her head "yes more questions your turn I believe?"

Stephen "Wow. You are such a nerd." He teased, shaking his head before grabbing the bottle of wine from the fridge. He brought the bucket and placed the bottle inside. "Hmm, do you believe in the supernatural?" The Canadian asked, looking over at her.

Karen: "I believe in some supernatural things, it's complicated I did interact with a ghost before and Matt can vouch for me."

Stephen "Okay I need to hear this story because I'm fascinated by ghost stories." He admitted, his face lighting up like an excited child. "I mean, if you don't mind sharing. I promise I won't say anything."

Karen: "Okay so we were living in the same flat building and he was dropping me off one night after set and we saw blood on my door and heard a noise that sounded like a ghoul and we both ran and slept at his flat that night."

Stephen "Oh wow, that's crazy. But it also makes me want to watch a scary movie." He laughed, his nose crinkling as he reached for his beer. "Did you know the place was haunted or was this a surprise?"

Karen: "I love scary movies! What is your favorite thing about them?" she said elated before shaking her head "it was in Cardiff where we were filming Who so I had no idea."

Stephen "Really? Okay so that solves what movie we're watching tonight." He said matter of factly as he reached for the remote. "I love the suspense. If you can keep me on the edge of my seat while also sending chills up my spine, you've done a good job." He answered, nodding his head. "Here's my question. Do you know the difference between a scary movie and a horror film?" He asked, nodding his head. "I would have researched after this happened to find out myself. I love that stuff."

Karen: "I was in a horror film my character is crazy." she said winking at him "not so far from reality." she thought on the question "hmm good question and I'm blanking at the moment about the right answer"

Stephen "I remember that very well. It was very spooky. And that ending was insane." He stated, hearing a knock on the door. "That would be the food. Be right back." He got up and walked to the door, paying the courier and bringing the food back to the living room. "This smells amazing by the way." Grinning, he looked over at her and smiled. "It's simple really. Horror movies are typically monsters/psychopaths with a lot of blood. Scary movies are supernatural in nature. At least, that's my definition."

Karen: "So you have been keeping tabs on me before meeting me huh?" she said laughing as he went to the door and smiled at the gesture it was odd for her to have someone to get the door when the food arrived anywhere, she was used to getting it. So it was a change of pace. When she was with Christ Pratt they were always or sometimes on set and so the food would be provided there, but when it was after shoots and they were at each other home it was different. "Well hey, I mean it's not haggis I was just teasing you." she said nodding her head "I liked your definition."

Stephen "Not really. I mean, when you work with Arthur, and he speaks nothing but good things, well, it kind of makes me want to watch the things that person is in. It was terrifying but you looked amazing and did a great job." He said, bringing the food back over to the table. "I was teasing too. At this point, I'll eat anything." Stephen grinned, looking over at her. "Should we make a toast first?" He said, holding up his bottle of beer.

Karen: "He's the biggest softie I know! Minus RDJ." She said smiling at Steve the way he complimented her was so sweet she was never one to take a compliment well but with Steve, it was different. "Toast to what exactly?"

Stephen "And an amazing cuddler." He teased, before scratching his head. "Hmm, to our health, our future, and great friends." He stated, clinking his bottle against her wine glass. "Shall we eat?" He asked, grabbing a container from the bag and opening it.

Karen: "You have cuddled Thomas?" She said wide eyed "That's a cute mental image" she said smiling as he took out the container " it's Chinese I hope you don't mind?"

Stephen "I'm sure he'd deny it but yes. We snuggled once." He teased, grabbing his fork as he quickly took a bite. Dinner went by fast, very few words were spoken in the twenty minutes that it took. But now, it was over and Stephen was browsing through Netflix for a scary movie they had agreed on. Hitting play, he leaned up, lifting up his arm so that she could cuddle into him. She smelled good, her shampoo hitting his nose but he needed to focus on the movie and not the woman currently fitting perfectly into his side.

Karen: The way his heartbeat echoed in her chest made her feel all giddy "Oh my goodness I am so ready for this film, what about you?" She said looking up at him perks of cuddles she wasn't always the tall one.

Stephen looked down at her and laughed, nodding his head. "Let's do it. Don't laugh too hard if I scream though okay?" He teased, tearing his eyes away from her and to the screen. He didn't know why he was all of sudden nervous but he wasn't going to let that spoil his evening with her.

Karen: She got up to turn the lights off "some mood lighting for the spooky scenes" she said dashing over to him pulling up a blanket over the two of them "all good I scream during films too!"

Stephen laughed and nodded, holding her close once she was back in his arms. He knew he liked her company already but the fact that his palms were sweaty and his heart was racing meant that it went deeper than that. He had tried so hard not to get involved but it seemed that fate had other plans. Who wouldn't want to date her? She was amazing. He was the problem. He just had to restrain himself and get through the movie. "Well we can protect each other."

Karen: She liked how it feels to be held by him, she could have fallen asleep she was so comfortable with him. He was a great guy, awesome father and just amazing she was wondering why he would like spending so much time with her. No matter how baffling it was to her she wasn't going to complain. Taking his hand she said "deal"

Stephen offered her a warm smile, his fingers wrapping tighter around her arm, chin resting on the top of her head. "What should we do tomorrow? Or after the movie is over? The night is still young and I'm not ready for sleep yet."

Karen: She smiled at the way his chin rested on her head it was a comforting thing. She glanced at him "well there's a chocolate candy store on the outskirts of town and a great cafe plus some sightseeing, so anything else can be done tonight. What do you want to do the most? "

Stephen "Well I'm here for tonight and tomorrow. And could be persuaded to stay longer if you're your guiding is as good as you claim." He teased, fingers rubbing up and down her arms. "How about we just explore? No destination, no time limit. Just us in the middle of Berlin with a map and our imaginations."

Karen: She sighed at the feeling of his fingers trailing lazily on her arms, she tapped her nose for a moment pretending to think "well, I mean I'm always up for adventure!"

Stephen "Good. Then that's what we'll do." He watched a bit more of the film, his eyes trailing down go focus on the redhead every so often. He wondered if he should make a move, it was clear there was tension so as he looked down at her, she met his gaze. "Was that your invitation for me to make a move? Cause it was received." He smiled, leaning his head down to press his lips to her softly.

Karen: "Well two beats ago it was" she said smirking as she felt his lips on hers she closed her eyes and smiled as he kissed her softly. She sighed against his lips as she curved into his touch.

Stephen never liked to make assumptions where women were concerned and sometimes he read too much into signs and other times he did not read enough. But as he continued to kiss the redhead, he thought about all the signs she'd given him in the past and it made him chuckle against her lips. Pulling away, he looked into her eyes and smirked. "I guess I'm not as good at reading you as I thought." He teased, grabbing her arm to pull her into his lap, lips meeting hers again. He sat up straighter, arms resting on her back as he deepened the kiss, finally giving in to what he'd wanted since arriving.

Karen: She hadn't been kissed like this in a long while she wasn't used to it but did it feel like home, the way he held her was possessive but gentle and how he kissed her his lips were softer, warmer and sweeter than she had thought they would have tasted. She chuckled looking deep into his eyes at his remark and said "well you'll have plenty of time to understand the pages in my books that you'll be fluent in reading what I'm showing you" she said straddling him feeling his arms around her back. She closed her eyes tighter and breathed in his cologne "Stephen how long did you want to kiss me for?"

Stephen moaned softly into the kiss, his body reacting in ways it hadn't since his divorce. He had hooked up before but there was no intimacy, it was just meaningless sex and if he was being honest with himself, he was tired of it. He wasn't ready to commit either but he wanted it to mean something more. Maybe with Karen, if it led to that, could be the start of something new for him. Her question caught him off guard and he paused, teeth nipping at her neck as he growled at her. "Since I walked in the door." He confessed, kissing along her jawline as his fingers tangled in her hair.

Karen: She felt her breath catch in her throat as his lips and teeth explored her neck she groaned softly at his touch "Glad we have that in common" she said arching her back into his chest as he intertwined her locks in his fingers "I've been wanting to kiss you"

=Stephen "Then let's stop talking and give in to what we want." He whispered, lips hovering over her ear before he pressed his lips to the lobe, kissing back down with more vigor. He knew she would have to return to work so he shouldn't leave a mark on her but he wanted everyone to know so he found a spot that had gotten a response from her before and sucked hard, teeth pulling the skin into his mouth as he worked a hickey into the soft flesh. His hands left her hair to trail down her body, fingers tickling her as it ghosted over the pale skin.

Karen: She felt the need and the wanting for him growing in the pit of her stomach she felt herself growing further away from logic and more towards how much she wanted to wake up beside Stephen in the morning.

Stephen had thrown away all logic and reasoning the minute his lips met hers and he wasnt looking back. He had been wanting Karen for a while, their budding friendship had somehow turned into a lustful need to be with her. As he slid his tongue into her mouth, his hands worked their way inside the top she was wearing, his calloused but nimble fingers making easy work of her bra straps. Expertly lifting the shirt up and over her head, he tossed it to the side before pulling her flush against him, tongue running along the roof of her mouth as his hips worked into a rhythm against her covered core.

Karen: She groaned as he started to take off her clothes "Stephen" she said along his lips "my bedroom" she said nearly whimpering, she loved talking to him, hugging and just everything that she did with him. But the way that her chest felt against him was too much "too much clothes" she said lifting his shirt off of his head and kissing the center of his chest.

Stephen laughed, standing up off the couch, his many years of gym workouts allowed him to carry the woman to the bedroom with ease. Once they were there, he lifted his arms, eyes never leaving hers as she lifted his shirt off, his hands immediately wrapping around her again. Carrying her further into the room, he dropped her gently on the bed, his body covering hers as he met her lips again. "You're beautiful." He whispered, fingers floating along her sides before he kneaded her breasts in his hands. Teeth nipped at her neck, lips and tongue trailing kisses down her now naked torso. Her perfume enveloped his senses and he made quick work of her pants, pushing them down and away from her.

Karen: She looked up as he bridged over her "I could say the same to you" she said kissing him back after he called her beautiful "we don't have to rush...I know our urges are tell us that we must but I wanna take this slow with you, is that ok?" she said kissing his knuckles.

Stephen smiled down at her, tucking some hair out of her face before nodding as he crawled off of her and instead lay next to her, shifting onto his side and pulling her to him. "We can go as slow as you want babe." He whispered, kissing the tip of her nose. "I'm here for as long as you want me."

Karen: The way he was able to go from primal want to sweet and gentle was a good thing to Karen there were days in the past that men just kind of used her and forgot about her so to see that he was able to turn that portion of himself off was a plus to her. "I wanna have you around a long while.." she said kissing his neck "I have grown fond of you"

Stephen "Well that's good because I dont plan on going anywhere." He teased, kissing her forehead. "You have? Hmm, what should we do about that?" Stephen asked, tapping her nose. "I have a few ideas." He added, leaning in to kiss her again.

Karen: She watched as he leaned in to kiss her forehead he was so affectionate and it was astonishing to Karen. "Hmm what indeed" she said kissing him back.

Stephen "We can make out until our mouths are sore. I can give you a massage. Or we can finish our movie. Whatever you want babe." He said, hand resting on her hip as their lips met again.

Karen: "Oh! I like the first two options" she said kissing him deeper raking her nails down his back

Stephen "Which one do you like better because itll be hard for me to do them both at the same time." He asked, his nose crinkling as he dug his fingers into her hip.

Karen: "My lips are magnetized to yours right now" she said kissing his nose "hmm but those hands of yours"

Stephen:  "Well then, allow me to wow you babe." He said, leaning up and motioning for Karen to roll onto her stomach. His hands went to her shoulders, thumbs kneading the soft flesh in circles before he worked his way down her back.

Karen: She groaned at how he was good at nearly everything "do you feel those knots?"

Stephen "You're very tense. Relax and if I'm hurting you, just let me know and I'll stop." The Canadian said before kneading a bit harder on her problem areas.

Karen: "I'm alright the training and filming has my back a mess" she said reaching back to caress his thigh

Stephen "They dont have an on set masseuse to help you with sore or pulled muscles?" He asked, fingers going down to her lower back, fingers digging in harder. "I would have thought you did given the strenuous stunts you've been doing."

Karen: "They do but they aren't as good as you" she said smiling softly

Stephen "Oh well hopefully I can work out the kinks in time for your return to set. I'm only here for the weekend so use me as you will." He smirked, shaking his head before leaning down to kiss her shoulder. "Are you feeling any better? Any place you want me to get that you can't reach?"

Karen: "hmm come to think of it I don't think so but, I'll let you know for sure" she said turning back over to look up at him " I don't want you to leave when the weekend is over" she said cupping his cheek

Stephen stopped what he was doing, coming around to lay down so that he was facing her, a small smile crossing his face. "Convince me to stay." He whispered, his eyes boring into hers. He didn't have to be back in Vancouver for a couple of weeks and the only thing waiting on him in LA was an empty house so staying with Karen would be ideal but he didn't want to overstep his bounds either.

Karen: She wondered how she could get him to stay a few more days she curled into his body and kissed him passionately and slowly letting her tongue explore every inch of his mouth. Running her hands down his chest tantalizingly slow she traced each muscle until she got to his hips.

Stephen returned her kiss with fervor, the hunger inside of him was threatening to come out if she continued her minstrations much longer. He wasn't complaining by any means but they had said to take it slow but the way she was acting made him want to have her now. He moaned into the kiss, fingers tangling in her hair as his other hand trailed along her spine, his mind a mixed bag of emotions and lustful thoughts.

Karen: She groaned back as his hand slipped down her bare back , she hooked her leg around him and pressed herself closer to him her long legs revealed and her knickers the last item on her body. She knew this position fairly well and the fact that he was willing to wait was enough for her not to want to. "These" she said patting his jeans "they have to go"

Stephen let the woman take control, it was her decision to wait and from where he was laying, she had decided it might be time. Chuckling at her words, he pressed his lips to hers as he quickly unbuttoned his jeans, pushing them down his hips and kicking them off his legs. He moaned, there was just a thin layer of fabric separating from what he desperately craved. "Fuck Ren, you're so sexy right now." He confessed, watching her take control. It wouldn't last but for now, it was enough to cause his cock to twitch and harden.

Karen: She smirked at how he was reacting to her body she kissed him softly "You like that then?" she asked before kissing his neck

Stephen "I do. But in my defense, its been so long and you're smoking hot so can you blame me?" He teased, turning his head to the left so she could get better access. He trailed a finger along the hem of her panties, tickling the skin.

Karen: "It's been a long time since I have been with someone too, nearly a year." she said before she stopped talking at how he was tickling her skin "Stephen.." she said breathlessly

Stephen "What an interesting pair we make huh?" He teased, noticing the effect his current actions were having on her. The whispered mutter of his name caused a shiver to crawl up his spine as he looked up at her. "Yes?" He asked, continuing what he was doing, each pass pushed the fabric a little further down her hips.

Karen: "Right? Also how would our production companies feel about the DC and Marvel mash up?" she said trying to distance her thoughts from how he was removing her knickers "Mhm.."

Stephen laughed and crinkled his nose. "It would be amazing and long overdue. Not to mention epic as fuck." The older male stated, finally pushing them down and away from her body. He let his eyes roam her body, licking his lips as he wiggled a finger at her. "Come here." He whispered, pulling her down so he could kiss her again.

Karen: She loved how his nose crinkled "Language there" she said shaking her head and teasing him, once her knickers were gone she looked at him hoping he wasn't judging her or anything she looked at the way his tongue flicked across his lips and how he whispered to her. Feeling his lips against hers again sent a shiver up her spine.

Stephen "Oh you don't like when I say fuck? Well what are you going to do about it?" He teased, licking her lip playfully. Once she was completely naked and he had gotten a good look at her pale, but flawless, skin, he loved everything he saw. She was radiant and he loved that she was letting him see this side of her. Sliding his tongue inside her mouth, he scooted her body up his torso so he could quickly and effectively slide his boxers off, tossing them off the side of the bed.

Karen: "I was teasing and you know I could just slip my clothes back on" she said feeling the waistband of his boxers gone and it was flesh to flesh. "Did you think that we would end up here tonight?"

Stephen "You will do no such thing, you minx." He smirked, watching her face for any sign that she didn't want this, or that she was changing her mind about being with him. Her question caused him to shake his head before clarifying. "I mean, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about, or had ulterior motives for visiting, but I'm a gentleman so it's not just about the sex. I wanted to get to know you as well. I had hope that it would end with us in bed but I wasn't expecting anything."

Karen: "I get called that a lot" she said trying to make him jealous before she bit her lip "I like talking to you, and kissing, and I don't know.." she said sighing before cupping his face "I feel safe with you" she said softly and vulnerably

Stephen "By who?! I'll fight them. That's my name for you." Stephen laughed, running his hand up and down her hips. "I like doing that too. You're very kissable. And talkative." He teased, giving her a soft peck on her lips. "I'll always protect you. Its part of the job of knowing me. An unpaid protector and bodyguard."

Karen: "Well I'm not yours yet, so you don't really have a claim on me" she said "things that I get told a lot too" she said kissing closing her eyes and kissing him "I mean I can protect myself but it's a heart feeling"

Stephen "That's true. And I apologize for assuming. But you know, you could be." He smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Mine I mean. We can take it slow, go on a few dates, get a feel for one another, and then if we're still feeling like this after a few dates, we can label it." He confessed, biting his lip. He was being vulnerable and putting his cards on the table and it was up to her to decide if this is what she wanted. It would take him a while to get there but with her by his side, maybe he actually could.

Karen: "Do you still mind waiting until then for me?" she said even though they were naked and vulnerable with each other right now she was certain that they could be strong enough until at least that point.

Stephen "As long as you don't mind waiting for me. Its going to take me a while to break down the walls but I like spending time with you, I like what we're doing, and I think we could have fun together. No rules, no expectations. We just go with the flow and be ourselves." He added, nodding his head.

Karen: "It's always the best when I don't have to pretend to be anyone that I'm not. and that you like me for who I am is a good thing" she said kissing him

Stephen "I'm a divorced 38 year old father with commitment issues. If you can put up with me, you can literally handle anything." He replied, returning her kiss hungrily. They were still naked, he was still horny and he definitely wanted to get back to what they were doing before all the talking.

Karen: "I've never been married, but I've been used, forgotten and just left in the dust, and if you can handle that then that's great" she said kissing him deeply "don't stop.."

Stephen "Well that stops with me. I'm in this to the end, whatever that may be." He admitted, sliding his tongue into her mouth, grazing it along the roof of her mouth. "I won't babe." He whispered, grabbing her around the waist and flipping them over. It was his turn to be in control, to show her just what he could do. He was leaking already, his want for the redhead was evident by his hard cock resting against her wet core.

Karen: she felt a tear come down her face as he kissed her the words he just said running in her mind "Good' she said feeling her back hitting the mattress

Stephen 's lips left hers, trailing down her neck to suck another hickey into the soft flesh. She might not be his but he was going to let people think she was. "Your makeup artist is going to kill me when she sees these." He laughed softly before taking a pert nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the hardened nub.

Karen: She could have cared less about the make up crew she knew her fellow cast members would never stop teasing her if she came to work with hickeys but she didn't care about that either. "I don't care.." she said arching her back into his touch.

Stephen chuckled against her skin and nodded his head, his kisses trailing further and further down her body, his tongue sneaking through his lips to lick between her folds, sucking her clit into his mouth. This was just a teaser, a warm up but he wanted to lay it all out and show her what he could do and he wanted to hear those sounds coming from her.

Karen: She arched herself into him "Stephen.." she said gripping the sheets

Stephen His name leaving her lips sent chills up his back and he kept going, his tongue working faster as it entered her warm canyon, her juices hitting his taste buds as he rolled it back and forth.

Karen: She groaned running her hands throughout his hair, as he continued to tease her, she was growing to be lost in his touch "soso good"

Stephen hummed against her, his lips kissing her nether lips as he continued thrusting his tongue in and out of her. He wanted to bring her to the brink of orgasm but would deny her the pleasure until he was buried inside her tight walls. Fingers were holding her thighs apart as he thrust one more time, his face completely disappearing between her legs.

Karen: She bucked her hips against his face "Stephen..." she said shrieking

Stephen was loving this, he was learning so much about what she liked and it was going to make their sex life so much better because he was very attentive and if you kept her happy, it would always lead to good things. When he felt that she had had enough teasing, he pulled his face away, licking his lips before crawling back up her body, lips kissing lips as he grabbed his cock and lined it up at her entrance. Fingers tangled in her hair as he muffled her cries, pushing his hips forward as he entered her wet pussy.

Karen: She was about to lose it when he pulled away feeling his lips on hers again she sighed before she growled feeling him entering she gripped his back as he entangled himself in the mess of ginger locks

Stephen stilled his hips once his cock was inside her, giving the ginger haired woman time to adjust. He was bigger than most men, a blessing really, so he wasn't sure how well she would take him. When she started grinding her hips, he knew she was ready so he started moving again, slow at first but then picking up speed, his teeth nipping at any skin he could get too.

Karen: She took a moment to get used to him but then she began to grind her hips along his before she gripped his hips as he moved up and down and in and out of her "more.." she said her accent rich and her voice raspy

Stephen smirked against her skin, loving that she was craving him more and more. He was only going at half speed and when she asked for more, he leaned in, his voice low and deep. "Are you sure? I doubt you'll be able to walk later." He teased, grabbing the headboard. He pulled out of her completely before slamming his cock back inside, bottoming out immediately.

Karen: "I'm not sure you would be able to resist me if you tried" she said wrapping her legs around his waist moaned and writhing beneath him as he went faster

Stephen "Who says I would try? If you want sex, I'm ready. Always." He retorted, hips burning as he pounded harder into her, his dick hitting that sweet spot inside her.

Karen: "I'll keep that in mind" she said unable to resist and hold back from the sounds coming out of her mouth as he kept going

Stephen "Good. Now kiss me while I finish seducing you." He teased, his lips connecting to hers once again as he continued thrusting his hips. His legs and hips were burning, his hiatus body wasn't liking the strenuous activity he was currently doing but Stephen didn't care. He could tell she was close, her body squirming underneath him as he kept slamming into her gspot.

Karen: "Yes sir' she said kissing him deeply she was nearly there they were nearly there she could tell that he was tired and that the headboard was nearly about to fall off if he gripped it more "baby, flip us I'll go ontop I don't wanna exhaust you"

Stephen shivered when she called him sir, a hidden kink of his that no one knew about, which caused him to moan into the kiss. Shaky legs kept pace, his body growing weaker as he worked his cock in and out of her. When she told him to flip, he nodded, letting go of the headboard and wrapping his arms around her as he flipped over, eyes opening to look up at the redhead currently straddling him.

Karen: She rocked on her hips and laced their hands together going faster than he was before she kept bouncing up and down taking him in completely each time "I'll try not to break your wrist"

Stephen watched the redhead ride his cock, her hips thrusting fast and her perfect breasts bouncing. He squeezed her hand, his toes curling as he met her thrusts, shoving himself deeper and farther inside. He knew he was close, his cock aching for release as he moaned loudly, grabbing her head to pull her down as he kissed her fiercely.

Karen: She constricted around him and tightening and letting go as his lips met hers she groaned loudly and unashamed into his mouth "Mm baby" she said breathlessly

Stephen felt her walls loosen as she came and he moaned loudly, his own release coming out fast and deep inside her. Rope after rope of his spunk spilled inside her and he rested his forehead against hers as they both came down from the high they were riding. "God baby that was so good. You're so good." He whispered, cupping her cheeks as he kissed her again.

Karen: She was sweaty and satisfied and feeling loved "best I've ever had" she said "I like it when you call me baby" she said pulling away from his kiss and untangling her legs from his waist she wrapped her arms around him

Stephen "Now I know you're lying." He teased, kissing the tip of her nose as he cuddled her close. "And I like it when you call me sir." He smirked, nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. "You were the best for me too, you know?"

Karen: "I was just being sarcastic when I called you that" she said laughing hoarsely "Can I be brave and bold with you for a moment?"

Stephen "Uh huh sure you were." He teased, his nose crinkling as he kissed her neck sweetly, nodding it when she asked her question. "Always babe."

Karen: "okay, here it goes" she said softly "I could see myself falling for you and that scares the hell out of me"

Stephen listened to her confession, a small smile playing at his lips, his fingers coming up to run through her sweat drenched hair. "I'm scared too because I can see it too. You're sweet, funny, sexy, and I enjoy talking to you. You're honest and I feel like I can be myself around you and you won't judge me. That's rare in our profession, you know?"

Karen: Had she not been so tired she would have had him a second time but looking at him she wanted to wait. Properly this time. "I feel the same way about you too, I hope you know that" she said nudging his nose with hers.

Stephen smiled, as he often found himself doing with Karen, and nodded. "Good. Now that that is out of the way, we should probably sleep. I want to take you out on a date tomorrow and I'll need time to prepare." He grinned, leaning in to kiss, letting in linger as he wrapped his arms around her. He could fall in love with her and while it scared him, he wasn't going to ru. Not this time.

Karen: She loved how his eyes slightly crinkled when he smiled too big "A proper date? I don't think I can sleep now knowing that I get to go on a date with THE Stephen Amell" she said before kissing him deeply and softly " If we fall we'll be brave enough together"

Stephen "I'm no one compared to the Karen Gillan. Fiery redhead with a great ass and an even better personality." He teased, leaning over her as the kiss deepened. "Its not an if baby. It's when we fall." He corrected, reaching over to flip off the lamp.

Karen: "You mention of all things my hair and my arse?" She said quizzically "it's usually my legs" she said " When we fall , which is feeling sooner rather than later"

Stephen laughed and crinkled his nose. "Well I figured naming off everything would take too much time. Let's just say I like it all. Legs included." He smirked, shaking his head. "I'll remember them wrapped around my head for weeks afterward." He listened to her words, and nodded. He was definitely feeling a sensation similar to love already and knew that the longer they spent time together, the easier it would be to day. "Tey to sleep or I'll give you another orgasm and you'll have no choice."

Karen: She smiled and curled into him "Hmm well I wouldn't mind falling asleep to everything you adore about me" she said smirking at him "As will I" she said winking at him in the now darkened room "well that's not a threat to me at all."

Stephen "Well then in that case..." he said, his eyes narrowing mischievously. He kissed her lips, then her chin, left a few more marks on her neck as he trailed down her body. He breathed in her scent, a soft moan falling from his lips as he finally reached his destination. Lifting the covers, he buried his head between her legs and without warning, stuck his tongue between her folds and started cleaning her up.

Karen: She chuckled as she watched the man she was falling in love with disappear under the covers "Mhm" she said humming as he lapped at her folds "just like that.."

Stephen loved the taste of her and as he continued lapping at her folds, he thought about yesterday. How he'd boarded a plane to fly to her, with no intentions of sleeping with her, and now they were going on a date and he felt like things were finally going to work out for him. He was falling hard and fast and that terrified him but Karen was perfect and he wanted to make her happy. "Yeah?" He whispered, nose nuzzling into her clit before sucking it into his mouth, two fingers disappearing into her still stretched pussy.

Karen: She had no idea that this treasure of a man and her would click as well as they did but here they were clicking in the most intimate of ways. She writhed under his touch still sensitive from before "Youyou're so good to me" she said bucking her hips.

Stephen used his other hand to pin her hips down, the strength from all those years of the Salmon Ladder making it easy to overpower her. He continued sucking on her clit as his fingers slid in and out of her. He added a third, scissoring them apart as he stretched her further. She was intoxicating and he knew he could stay in and have sex with her all weekend...or at least for the night.

Karen: She was panting at how vigorously he was moving his fingers in and out of her she was dripping but not letting go yet, she rolled her back into his touch each time, his strong hand pinning her to mattress had her gasping "Baby..." she said growling as he sucked on her sensitive nub more and more. "Don't stop.."

Stephen "I'm not baby. Don't worry. Im going to make you feel so good." He teased, before diving right back in. His tongue joined his fingers, tastebuds noticing the salty taste of his own cum mixed with her juices. He could get used to this and didnt want it to stop, especially if she was going to keep.making those sounds. He curled his tongue, a hidden talent no one knew about, and swirled his tongue in circles inside her. ,

Karen: "Shit.." she said rolling her hips at his last dive into her she wrapped her legs around his head and pressed closer ripping the sheet off the bed at his movements "babe.."

Stephen ignored her whispered words, his mind focusing on getting her off before he fuckrd her again. He knew she would mind back to back orgasms because what woman did? Her legs wrapping around his head pushed his tongue further into her, the tip barely hitting that sweet spot inside her. Hearing a loud moan from her spurred him on as he kept hitting it, harder and faster.

Karen: She came undone in his arms she wasn't sure she could have held on much when he found that spot and hit it a few times "mhm baby, mhmm shh..." she said incoherently

Stephen: "Be loud for me love." He said, wanting to hear how good she sounded. He lapped up the juices she gave him, licking his lips as he crawled back up her body and pressed his lips to hers. He slid his tongue easily through her lips as his cock quickly entered her moist cavern.

Karen: She growled before tasting his lips on hers "Damn." She said gripping his hips "I don't wanna break your eardrums.." she said kissing his neck before biting his flesh softly.

Stephen "That wouldn't be good at all." He whispered, thrusting his hips into her again, his hard cock immediately hitting that spot inside her. "But you dont have to muffle yourself either. I love hearing the woman I'm with being vocal. It's an ego boost babe." He added, a playful smirk in his lips before he kissed her again.

Karen: She smirked and then stared at him blankly "Um I'm sorry run that by me again"

Stephen "Which part? The part about where I love you being loud or the part about how its an ego boost?" He smirked, a mischievous grin crossing his lips.

Karen: "The part about you being with me"

Stephen "Oh. Well, I love hearing the woman I'm with being vocal. Whether that is just sexually or more personal." He teased, kissing the tip of her nose.

Karen: She groaned both out of pleasure and frustration. "why are you this way?"

Stephen "What was is that? Crazy about you or just me in general?" He smirked, thrusting his hips as he bottomed out inside her once again.

Karen: "Both" she said blushing deeply before whimpering

Stephen "You can thank my mom. Its all because of her." He whispered, sucking her earlobe into his mouth as he let her whimpers fill the room. He took his time this time, slowly rotating his hips inside her.

Karen: "Really don't want to talk about your parents in this position" she said whimpering more before shrieking

Stephen "You asked though babe." He laughed and nodded, moving from her ear to her lips, his tongue easily sliding into her mouth as he sped up his movements, her moans muffled but still turning him on. "I could get used to hearing this." He whispered, his head spinning as he joined in, their moans matching perfectly in the huge room.

Karen: She groaned and lost it with him "so close love, soso very close"

Stephen "Then come with me, Ren." He whispered, hips thrusting deeper into her as his cock hit that spot inside her. He kept hitting it, her moans getting louder and faster, his body sore and mind blown as he released deep inside her womb, teeth nipping at her neck as she let go at the same time. "Fuck baby."

Karen: She loved being called Ren, everything about him made her feel like she could be herself completely with him and she just met him "So close" she said as she felt him that spot again, and again, before seeing stars and her legs trembling under him "shit.." she said before shrieking losing it completely

Stephen felt her release coating his dick and he moaned, his voice matching hers as she came harder than any previous orgasm. They were panting, their bodies covered in sweat, and he still found her the most beautiful woman in the world. "God you're literally perfect." He smirked, kissing her lips. "If I wasn't so tired, I'd clean you out again but fuck baby, you wore me out."

Karen: "Funny I was thinking the same thing about you" she said kissing him deeply "I won't be able to walk I don't think.." she said "you will have to be my uber."

Stephen "Oh yeah? At least we know we're sexually compatible." He teased, kissing her lips again before chuckling softly. "I will gladly be your Uber. I told you you wouldn't be able to walk and I meant it. It's only fair I be your driver."

Karen: "Yeah I mean did you think we wouldn't be?" she said tracing his lips with her fingertips "I didn't think it was possible but here we are"

Stephen laughed and shook his head. "Well no. But most of my sexcapades end at one time. We did it twice." He said, kissing her neck. "I'm glad I was able to prove you wrong. You better get used to it too. If your legs aren't jelly by the morning, then I'm not doing my job as a lover."

Karen: "Is that what you were auditioning for here? To be my lover?" she said wrapping her arms around him

Stephen chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. "I'll take whatever you're ready to give. If that's just a lover, well, I'm cool with that. I said no rush and I meant it." He explained, pulling out of her softly and collapsing next to her.

Karen: She smiled over at him "You know I wouldn't mind in the future this becoming...this becoming something that is great.." she said afraid to say the word relationship when it came to someone, she cared about Steve a lot and didn't want to jinx them. Looking over at the man beside her she kissed his chest and said "goodnight lover." before she closed her eyes and said "I'm in so much trouble with this one..."

Stephen "I wouldn't either. I think we need some time to really gauge what this is between us but for now, let's just have fun with one another." He retorted, his fingers running through her hair as she kissed his chest. "Goodnight Ren." He whispered, shifting so that he could wrap his arms around the redhead. The last words she spoke had him smiling as he stayed quiet, nuzzling into her neck before letting his eyes fall closed.

[judedeluca]

Titans: Cakes and Confessions (RoyXDonna)

I’ve been trying to type something for #royharperbdayweek for the last few days, but I’ve been artblocked. I finally busted my ass and spent most of last night working on something I felt comfortable enough to finally post on here.

This takes place in a post-Rise of Arsenal, post-New 52, and post-Rebirth world where the DCU has started gaining a semblance of their real lives back after getting free of Dr. Manhattan’s brainwashing. It involves Roy, Lian, and Donna dealing with some emotions left over following Lian’s death and what Donna went through in Blackest Night.

There’s mention of Donna’s kids and Lian’s baby brother, and some chubby!Roy stuff.

Really hoping to hear some thoughts and inputs on this since I don’t normally write fan fics as long as this in one sitting.

It was a nice looking jack-o'-lantern. Not an angry or scary looking one, but not a silly, dopey-looking one either. Lian wanted to feel proud, but she had to get a second opinion. "Does it look okay, Donna?" Lian Harper asked her surrogate aunt, Donna Troy, as Donna finished cleaning the bowls and cups they'd just used. Donna wiped her hands on a dish towel before joining Lian's side. On the kitchen table there was a triple layer cake, covered in rich chocolate icing. Lian had just finished decorating the top of the cake with orange, green, and yellow butter cream frosting to make a pumpkin face. It smiled up at the young and younger women. "It looks wonderful, Lian." Donna said, patting Lian's back. "But it does look like a pumpkin, right?" Lian was unsure as she looked into her aunt's eyes. "You're not just saying that?" "You won't be getting false praise from me, honey." Donna commented, then kissed Lian on the top of her head. That made Lian believe Donna was speaking true. "I bet Daddy will love it." Lian mentioned. "I hope he does too." Donna added, as they had spent most of the afternoon baking the cake for Lian's father Roy, while also keeping an eye on Lian's baby brother Tommy. This weekend, Donna's ex-husband (Terry or Jerry or whatever his name is) had custody of their son Robbie and her stepdaughter Jennifer. So Donna convinced Roy to let her watch Lian and Tommy for the afternoon feeling he'd been doing a lot lately and could use some time to himself. It was entirely transparent she wanted time with Lian to do something for Roy while he was out of the house, but no one said anything. Tommy had just been fed and put down for a nap while Lian iced and decorated the cake. She insisted on doing it by herself to prove she could. "Well we both love all the other cakes and stuff you've been bringing over." Lian reminded Donna. "But thanks for letting me help with this." "It was my pleasure having you as a baking partner." Donna hugged the young girl. "I'm gonna go check on Tommy." But before Donna could leave the kitchen, Lian had a question she wanted to ask. A question that had been on her mind for a while. "Donna?" "Yes, Lian?" Donna stopped and turned to face Lian again. "Is everything okay?" Lian asked, a look of concern on her face. "Huh?" The question sort of caught Donna by surprise before Lian began talking. "You've been coming over a lot lately," Lian explained, "And I know you and Daddy aren't together-I mean, 'Together' together anymore. Are you alright?" "Don't worry about me, honey. I'm fine." Donna smiled. But Lian wasn't fully convinced. "Is it cuz of all that stuff that happened when I… you know." "No, Lian." Donna replied. "Well, how come you're over so much?" Lian continued. "Do you want me to stop coming over?" Donna asked. "No! I love having you over. And so does Daddy and I'm sure Tommy does as well if he could talk." Lian emphasized. Donna laughed a little before she spoke. "I just liking spending time with you guys, and I like cooking for you guys." Donna explained. "I'll say." Lian smirked, thinking about all the homemade sweets and stuff Donna had been leaving for Roy at their house, and at Titans Tower, and at Donna's place. Her dad especially seemed to really like them. And it was starting to show. "I'm gonna go check on your brother before your dad gets home. Okay?" Donna smiled at Lian. "Okay." Lian smiled back. But as Donna left the room, Lian's smile faded and the look of concern returned. She wasn't convinced at all. … "I'm home!" Roy called out from the front door. "Any wild and crazy parties or dead bodies better be taken care of by the time I step over the threshold!" He held two big bags of groceries in his arms, and one plastic bag containing takeout hanging around his wrist, as he entered the house when Lian came running out of the living room. "Daddy!" She threw her arms around her dad's waist and squeezed. "Etai Yazi!" Roy called back, which was Navajo for "Little Girl." "Gimme a sec," he said as he tried to place the reusable bags down on the side table in the hallway. He then kneeled down to Lian's level and gave her a big hug and kiss on her cheek. "Missed you." "Missed you more." Lian replied, kissing Roy's scruffy cheek. "And you didn't burn the house down while I was gone." Roy whistled. "I'm impressed." "Well I can be trusted not to burn the house down. Unlike some people." Lian folded her arms and gave her dad a pretend angry glare, referring to a certain incident Roy had while Lian was… away. "True, true. You're certainly more trustworthy than I am." Roy conceded as he stood up. "We all know you're the responsible one, though I don't know where you get it from." "Oh and, guess what?" Lian asked. "What?" "Boop." Lian poked at his belly button, sticking out after his shirt came untucked. "Hey!" Roy shooed her off as he tucked his shirt back in. "Well it's your own fault for getting fat." Lian smugly informed him. "I know, I know," Roy smirked. "I'm gross." "Nah, you're not." Lian hugged her dad again. "Whatdja do while we were here?" Lian asked. "I took care of some stuff at Titans Tower, then I did some shopping. No big deal." "Come look what me and Donna did while you were out!" Lian began to pull her dad into the kitchen, bumping into Donna who was coming out of the first floor bathroom. "Hi Mr. Speedy." Donna said as she hugged Roy. "Hi Ms. Wonder Girl." Roy replied. "You guys have fun?" "Always." "Surprise!" Lian practically shoved the cake in Roy's face. "You guys made this together?" Roy asked as Donna took the cake from Lian. "Does it look good?" Lian asked. "It looks great!" Roy messed up Lian's hair before turning his attention to Donna again. "But what's the occasion?" Donna shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. "No occasion, just wanted to do something nice while you had the day to yourself." Was the convenient explanation she gave. "I did the icing myself, and I put the pumpkin on it since it's almost Halloween." Lian revealed. "It's chocolate and spice." "I really don't know what I did to deserve you two." Roy kissed Lian on the cheek and then Donna. "You're spoiling me." "I can put these away if you wanna check in on Tommy." Donna offered as she set the grocery bags on the kitchen counter. "It's cool, I can do it." Roy reached over, but Donna playfully slapped his hand away. "No no, go see Tommy." Donna insisted. "He wasn't any trouble today, was he?" Roy asked. "Not at all." "I'll go with you, Daddy." Lian joined her father. The two Harpers headed upstairs to where Tommy Harper, nee Blake, the youngest member of the family slept. Roy quietly opened the door and stuck his head inside to see Lian's baby brother sleeping soundly in his crib. "I hate leaving him alone." Roy sighed as he closed the door. "It's cool dad, we had fun with Donna." Lian explained. "But, um…" Roy saw the look on Lian's face and knew what she was referring to. "She didn't tell you what was wrong, did she." Roy guessed. Lian sighed. "No." Lian shook her head. "But she's sad about something, Daddy. I saw it when I asked her what was wrong. It was like when you used to tell me you were okay, even though you weren't." "Damn it." Roy muttered to himself. "I'm sorry." Lian apologized. "It's okay, peanut. You didn't do anything wrong." Roy reassured her. For the last couple of months, Donna had been acting strange. But then it had been a strange couple of years for a variety of reasons and they were only just returning to a semblance of their old lives. Their REAL lives. Probably the strangest things had been how Roy was brainwashed into thinking Jason Todd was his best friend, and Donna had been replaced by a doppelganger who then gave her life to save Donna. With Roy and Donna back on the Titans with their friends Dick, Wally, and Garth, things felt real for the first time in a long time, even before the world had been gutted inside out. It was like someone had engineered a string of tragedies to make them as miserable as possible before killing them. Now they were all alive and healthy, and so were their kids and loved ones. Yet Donna had started becoming… not clingy, but, was motherly the right word? Overeager? It seemed that way to Roy and Lian, and to a lesser extent Tommy. Admittedly, he was a new addition to the Harper household after Roy learned of his existence and rescued him from Tommy and Lian's mom a few months ago. Donna seemed to worry a lot if Roy was eating enough, and had been showering father and daughter Harper in a variety of baked snacks and treats. Cakes, cookies, pies, even these delectable pomegranate pastries Donna learned of from her sister Diana. Roy was certainly enjoying them more than Lian was, since Donna saw more of the older Harper than the younger one. If he had to stay late at the Tower, she had food ready for a late night snack. If he was arriving early in the morning, there was breakfast in case he skipped the meal. It certainly explained how Roy had put on such a significant amount of weight and developed a noticeable belly on his large archer frame. Roy could sense SOMEthing was bothering Donna, as this type of behavior was new. Oh sure, Donna had long doted on Lian as if she was her daughter. But baking and preparing meals hadn't really been something she was interested in. Roy and Lian weren't ungrateful, but they wanted to know what the problem was. He kept trying to ask her if she wanted to talk, but she smiled and said she was fine. The way she said it, Roy could recognize a slight trace of sadness. Then she'd hurry off to do something else, a mission or monitor duty or something with her sister Diana and the Amazons. Lian recognized it too, but she was always a perceptive child and probably noticed before Roy did. They began to feel guilty that Donna was doing all this for them and asking for nothing. Maybe they were imagining things and she was trying to be friendly. But maybe not. That was why Roy had caved in so easily when Donna suggested he take a day for himself and let her watch the kids. He'd agreed with Lian that she would try to ask Donna what was on her mind without him in the vicinity. "What are we gonna do, daddy? I hate seeing her like this." Lian admitted. "I should've gotten Dick and the others to help," Roy said more to himself, "but I didn't want to put her on the spot in front of everyone." "But she hasn't been acting weird with them, right?" Lian asked. "It's just us, for some reason." "Yeah…" Roy furrowed his brow, trying to think. … Downstairs in the kitchen, Donna had finished putting away the rest of the food in the fridge when Roy tapped her on the shoulder. "What'd you pick up for dinner?" Donna turned and asked him. "I got some chicken and rice with plantains from this place near the supermarket." Roy explained. "But hey, before we eat…" "Yes?" Roy sighed. "Donna, I want you to please tell me what's wrong." Roy asked his teammate and best friend. "You sound just like Lian a little while ago." Donna laughed. "You guys worry too much. Can't I do something nice for one of my best friends and his daughter? Is that so strange?" "No, but I mean," Roy scratched the back of his head as he tried to come up with the right words. He should've been direct to begin with, but feared he was over thinking things. He trusted Lian's judgment, though. "I remember you don't like it when everyone expects you to act like their mom. So Lian and I, we were both wondering if you're really okay doing all this. The baking, cooking." "Roy-" Donna was about to begin before Roy cut her off. "Hey, I'm not complaining or anything. Aside that I'm gonna need some bigger clothes, of course." Roy smiled and patted his new belly. "I appreciate all the stuff you've done and how you're trying to look out for me and my kids. But I feel like I'm taking advantage of you, and that isn't even the main thing I'm worried about. Donna, Lian and I both think something's going on with you. Please, if something's wrong I wanna help. We both do." Donna wasn't sure what to say, Roy's green eyes locked on her blue ones. "Please? Tell me what's wrong?" Donna hesitated and looked away from Roy and Lian. She scratched her arm. "It's… it's silly, really." There was a little tremble in Donna's voice. "Well look, why don't we eat dinner first, and then you can tell the two of us what's on your mind over that cake you and Lian made. Promise?" … Donna wasn't sure whether or not to look forward to the talk after dinner, which was something of an event when Tommy absolutely refused to eat unless Donna was the one to feed him. Roy had barely eaten anything as he struggled to get his stepson to budge a little on the subject of mashed carrots. Lian was happy to get dinner AND a show, until Tommy swatted his food in Lian's direction. After Tommy finally settled down, had his bath, and was told a Navajo legend to get to sleep, Roy, Donna, and Lian sat in the living room with coffee and cake (and milk for Lian since she didn't need the caffeine AND sugar). Roy sat in the middle of the couch with Donna and Lian flanking him on both sides. "So, tell us what's bothering you, Donna." Roy got straight to the point. "Am I gonna have another baby brother, Daddy?" Lian wondered. "Is that why you're so unhappy Donna?" Donna practically choked on her cake. "Ahaha! No, Lian, nothing like that." Donna assured Lian. "I figured," Lian sighed, pinching her dad's side. "But I was hoping he was eating for two." "Hey now-!" Roy almost dropped his plate as he squirmed. "It's cool daddy, I like you better this way." Lian giggled. "You make the best pillow when we stay up late watching movies and you're a lot happier than you were before." "True. So thanks for that, Donna." The three of them set everything down on the coffee table before they began to really talk. Donna looked down at her hands, folded in her lap, as Roy and Lian aimed their attention solely on her. "I know my behavior has been bizarre lately-" Donna started. "I wouldn't call it 'bizarre'-" Roy added. "But with all the ridiculousness of the past few years and how badly things went for all of us," Donna began to list the horrible things everyone went through, "Prometheus, the Black Lanterns, the Villains for Hire, and then the time Barry Allen and Dr. Manhattan stole from us, I've been feeling… I-I guess I'd call it regret." "Regret?" Roy was confused, wondering what she was referring to, "For what?" Donna looked at Lian before she spoke again. "Lian," Donna felt uncomfortable just remembering what happened, "You know about what happened after you…" "Died?" Lian finished. Roy and Donna both winced. Her death. One of the most painful moments of Roy's life. A senseless accident that was a harbinger for what felt like an eternity of unhappiness for both the Harpers and their extended family. "Um. Yeah. I-I do." Lian reluctantly confirmed. "The last time your dad and I spoke before things got really bad, at your, um," God Donna hated everything right now, "Funeral. It wasn't great." "I know about that too." Lian revealed rather somberly. She knew about the awful things her father had screamed at Donna regarding the deaths of her own children. How he'd accused her of "Whoring in space" with Kyle Rayner while her son died in a car crash. Which absolutely wasn't true, by the way. "Looking back on it, I've felt, yes, what your dad said to me was really out of line, but I shouldn't have let that stop me from trying to help." Donna was now referring to how almost everyone in Roy's life had completely, utterly failed at trying to help him deal with Lian's death. Even with how aggressive he'd turned in the most recent days after Lian died, the lack of empathy most of Roy's friends had given was astonishing. It hurt worse because it turned out more had been going on than everyone assumed, which they would've noticed had they really paid attention to Roy's behavior. "Donna-" "No. Please let me get this off my chest." Donna stood and seated herself in a chair away from Roy and Lian, so she could get a better look at them as she spoke. "I've been wondering about if maybe, if I'd tried harder to reach out to you Roy, when you started slipping, then maybe things wouldn't have reached the point they did. I've seen how much you've worked towards making it up to Lian, and how hard you've been trying with Tommy. I feel like if I'd been more help back then, you wouldn't have needed to work so hard now." "I didn't 'slip,' Donna," Roy firmly told her, owning up to his actions, "I did drugs, called you a whore, tried to kill Dick and Mia, and joined Deathstroke's fake Titans because I was angry and using Lian as an excuse to justify all the crap I pulled." "I'm not trying to absolve you of the stuff you did Roy-" "He's been doing his best for me and Tommy!" Lian interjected, almost pleaded, to Donna, to immediately make her feel better and end this unbearable moment. "And I help with Tommy too! Plus I already forgave him for all that, a-and he apologized to Uncle Dick and Mia, anyway!" "It's alright, Etai Yazi." Roy tried to soothe her. "I'm sorry, is what I'm trying to say. I didn't do enough to help after Lian died. When Robbie and Jen passed away, I-I don't even want to get into some of the stuff that went through my head. You wanna believe part of me hated you, Roy? Because you still had Lian and I barely saw Robbie at that point after the divorce? I should've been more forgiving after that argument." "And so you've been worrying so much lately, doing all that cooking and baking…?" "I wanted to do something more tangible to show I care and that I wanted to make up for it." Donna finally admitted. "I've been trying to pay attention. It's easy to say stuff about doing everything I can to help, but I figured this was the best way to show it." Roy and Lian looked at each other and then looked at Donna. "Well, I've been trying." Donna sighed and sank back in the chair. No one said anything for a minute that seemed to last hours, before Roy stood up. "Donna, can you stand up please?" Roy extended his hand towards her. "Huh?" "Come on, up and at 'em." Roy said. As Donna took Roy's hand, he pulled her into a tight embrace as Lian stood behind Donna and placed her hands around her waist." "Listen Wonder Chick," Roy began, "you've got nothing to be sorry about and nothing to apologize for. I heard about what happened with the Black Lanterns, and you'd have been totally justified for taking my head off after what I said." Roy referred to the nightmarish ordeal where Donna encountered a zombified version of son, whom she tried to kill in order to stop. It didn't work, and what she did continued to haunt Donna even though Robbie was alive again. "Yeah, I would have and he's my dad." Lian agreed. "Even before I found out, I didn't blame you for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not right for you to blame yourself when you needed help too after what you went through. And I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to make it up to us." Donna wasn't sure what to say. "Come on, I hate seeing so unhappy. What can I do to make you feel better?" "Yeah, what can WE do?" Lian corrected. Donna relaxed, and smiled. Roy and Lian let go and she sighed, a sigh of relief instead of unhappiness. There'd been too much sighing today. "For starters, next weekend you can make breakfast for me, Robbie, and Jen when she visits." Donna joked, then sniffed and wiped away a tear from her eye. "And then the six of us, Tommy included, can spend the afternoon baking at the Tower." Donna mused. "Snickerdoodles, peanut?" Roy conspired with Lian, taking Donna totally seriously. "Roy I'm ki-" "How about something with macadamia nuts?" Lian wondered. "No good, Jen's allergic to nuts." Roy surprised Donna by mentioning that since she wasn't aware he knew of her children's allergies. "Okay then snickerdoodles!" Lian declared. "Does that help?" Roy asked Donna, mock pouting with puppy dog eyes. "Snickerdoodles?" "You're both such dorks." Donna held his hand. "Well, DUH." Both Harpers said. "Besides, I'm the Titan who's supposed to be constantly ashamed of themselves." Roy joked. "It's kind of my whole shtick, in case you hadn't noticed." "Yeah, stop stealing my dad's shtick!" Lian ordered. "It's all he has going for him. It's bad enough you made him fat!" "Yeah, it's bad enough you made me fat!" Roy parroted his daughter. That was too much for Donna and she started to laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW 14 - I should probably start writing something today

Eren felt revolted with himself. The pup inside of barely looked human., the growth was terrifying to see on screen. His first thought was that the tiny pup looked like some kind of mutant, his heart racing as he wondered if the little life was in pain. It was so much smaller than their sibling, the guilt too much as looked from the screen. Yet the image was burned into his mind. He didn't know what to do now. He hated himself for thinking Levi's child looked so disturbing and disgusting, especially when Levi was so in love with them. His alpha wanted these pups so badly, but everyone was talking aborting, and making plans for his future without him. He didn't want to hear it anymore. He knew he was a bad omega... that's how they made it seem. Females and female omegas got sympathy from the staff discussing his case, while he just felt shunned. Judged over his dynamic... They might be awesome at their jobs, they wouldn't be at the hospital if they weren't, but he felt so dirty. Levi would be furious if he told him, so he hadn't. The staff were so much more politer to Levi about everything. They'd explained it to him, and possibly outcomes. Treating Levi like an equal, because there was no way at all an omega could understand anything. They could all fuck off. He hadn't even been able spend New Year's night with Viren. He'd been forced to finish Anna's birthday present in hospital, where they didn't appreciate his arts and crafts project. He'd bought the girl a proper high quality gold locket, it was large for her size, but knowing she'd grow into it. The project they hadn't like was when he'd carefully sealed two small photos with a water proof coating. One photo was of Anna just after her birth, while the other was from the photo of Moblit from the night of his 20th birthday when they'd all been so happy. Moblit might be gone, but he know how fiercely he would loved her. He wanted to make sure Anna knew that every single day of her life. Levi's gift to the little girl was paying for her ears to be pierced, not that his alpha knew. Levi would have probably tried to gift her cleaning supplies if he could have. Hardly the right gift for a four year old who was a total little miss. After 8 long days in hospital, he was finally released. In his opinion it was 8 days too many, and he definitely wasn't going to miss being there. Hanji had come to see him after his blow up, but he just wasn't ready to talk to her about it. He didn't want her apology, or her forcing a conversation about everything but the pup. He'd wanted more time to figure out everything with Levi. Levi was the father after all. Levi talked to him like he had brain cells. With Levi "supporting" him into their apartment, he was beyond relieved to be back home. Viren running ahead of them to jump on the sofa, sending Titan running with his happy yelling. Their son having decided that he wanted to wear pyjamas all day, or at least that was what Levi told him when he they'd come to pick him up. All Eren wanted was a shower and 10 years worth of sleep in his own bed. The stupid clean smell of the hospital had left him feeling nauseous for days. It wasn't the same smell as when Levi cleaned the apartment, and his alpha's scent wasn't there to push everything else away "I have a split shift, so I'll be out from 6 to 12, is there anything you want?" "A shower. Then some sleep..." "Do you want a hand?" Nope. He didn't want Levi looking at his body or his stomach. He didn't want anyone looking at his body or his stomach "No. I'll be ok. Why don't you spend some time with Viren? If I take a nap, I should be alright to sit up with him tonight" "I don't mind putting him to bed before I head out" It might not have been Levi's intention to make him feel like the alpha didn't think he could handle their son, but his omega went right there. He'd missed Viren so much, and really wanted to rest so he having extra long cuddles with his son. Finding himself nodding, Levi kissed him on the cheek "I put fresh towels in the bathroom for you, and I remade our bed" "I'm sorry. I think I want to take a nap in my old room... I'm just..." "No. It's ok. You do whatever you need to. There's something I need to talk to you about, but it can wait" You don't just tell someone that, then end it with "but it can wait". It was as bad as "We need to talk". What the hell was supposed to do with this piece of information now? Was Levi not under the impression that he was only mimicking a functional human being, when in reality, he was dead on his feet? He couldn't do the words, let alone the adulting. At least not until he'd showered and gotten every bit of shitty hospital scent off. Did Levi not know how much he was looking forward to not having to shower using a shower chair, under the supervision of a nurse because they thought he was going run off through the hospital naked? He wasn't actually sure if that was what they thought, he just didn't appreciate the hovering "Eren?" "Sorry. I'm too tired to think" "It's alright. Go take a shower, and get some sleep. It's nice to have you home" Nice. Not "Welcome back to where you belong". Fuck. He'd missed his omega, and the constant love it filled him with his for children. Now it could kindly fuck off again. It only had one job and that was more of a background feeling that the had push past its constant insecurities to feel. Now that he was home, it'd be easier to hide his thoughts and feelings from Levi. Levi had work. He had Viren to distract him, and Titan. He missed the fat cat, and had gone overboard with Christmas presents. Titan had been gifted a new grooming brush, new collar, a new tag, a new water bowl that was a fountain so he always had fresh water, a new feeding station, a new bed, and new scratching post. Levi has teased him for it all, but he couldn't help it. Levi's overweight tom was probably his best friend, as he was so much easier to deal with than people were. Cuddles, pats and food. He liked the exact same things, and Titan was just the right size to be warm and comforting as he slept back to back with him, or tried to wedge himself above the swell of Eren's stomach, and below the pile of pillows Eren liked to use. Starting to walk across the room, Levi closed the door with enough force that he flinched "Sorry, it slipped. Before I forget, I left your mail in your room for you. I think there was a package and few envelopes" "Thanks. I'll look at them later" He didn't remember ordering anything, not that he could remember much of anything... fuck... it was definitely bed time. * Viren had come climbing into his bed on his own. Eren had thought sleep would be easy to find, but the moment his head hit the pillow, his mind decided it wanted to be wide awake. His thoughts running circles as he attempted to get comfortable. If anything, his bed was too comfortable, his body melting into the softness of his blankets, and the comfort of familiar scents. Pulling his son to him, he pressed kisses to Viren's hair. The boy was beautiful. Everything about him was so perfect, even if things had been strained between them, he could never hate him "Hey, baby. Have you been having fun with daddy?" "Daddy let me wear my pyjamas!" His son sounded so damn proud of the fact "Did he?" "Yep! And we watched 'toons!" "You love your "toons", don't you baby. What about Anna, have you been playing with her?" "She's a girl" "Yep. She sure is... where's daddy now?" "Daddy's in the food" So daddy was in the kitchen. Ok "And you thought you'd come see mummy. You know what that means?" Viren looked at him wide eyes "Kisses!" "Mummy! Nooooo!" Blowing raspberries on Viren's cheeks, his son screamed with laughter. So loud that Levi came to check "Viren, I told you not to disturb mummy. Sorry, Eren. I'll take him" But... cuddles. Viren would probably get demanding soon, but this was nice "He's alright" "You need your rest" "I am resting" "Viren, come to daddy" Daddy was still his favourite, yet Viren was sweet enough to look torn "It's ok baby, you go with daddy" "Mum?" "If you stay with mummy, there's going to be more kisses" Pursing his lips, his son squealed in anticipation. Kissing at the hands that tried to push him away, Viren managed to kick up and against his chest "Viren!" Scolding him, Viren was confused by his father's tone. Sure it'd hurt, but his son hadn't meant it. Tears welled in Viren's grey eyes "It's ok baby. You didn't hurt mummy" "I'm sorry!" "No. No, baby..." Wiggling away from his hold, Viren started to cry the boy stubbornly climbing off the bed to run off past Levi "Did you have to scold him like that?" "You're supposed to be resting" "I was having cuddles with Viren, not running a marathon!" "Don't get mad at me for worrying about you" "I'm in bed. I'm resting. Viren just wanted a cuddle and I wanted to give him kisses" Coming running back, Viren had his favourite teddy in his hold. Ignoring Levi, the little boy climbed back on the bed, shoving the bear in Eren face "Mummy!" "Hello, Mister Bear..." "Mister Bear wants to make mummy better..." Eren heart melted "Thank you baby, but I think Mister Bear is telling me he wants to be with you" Viren beamed at him, even with tear tracks down his face "We can share. Just this once though" "Ok baby. Mummy is going to have a sleep, do you want to stay with me? Or go with daddy?" Viren looked to his teddy, nodding as if it was talking to him "I want to stay with mummy" Ha. Suck it, Levi! "Ok, here we go, come curl up with mummy. Mummy missed you" Shifting the blankets, Viren moved into his hold. Mister Bear between them "I guess I'll go then... I'll be home a little longer, if you need anything" "We'll be fine" "Call if you do. Seriously, you need to be resting" "Levi, it's fine. I can handle a three year old who wants cuddles" What he couldn't handle was a 40 year alpha who was hovering as if he really couldn't handle their toddler. Blocking Levi out, Eren leaned over and pressed a kiss to Viren's forehead, surprised when the boy returned the gesture. This was far better medicine than anything he'd had in hospital. * Levi was at work when Viren had woken him, his son shaking him awake to tell him he didn't want to go to sleep. What did it matter if Viren didn't want to sleep? He'd stayed for cuddles until he was content to run off, and now he wanted more cuddles again... he'd take them, even when they were an excuse not to go to bed. Lifting his son, Eren carried him out the sofa, dropping Viren down in the corner with a smile "Did daddy give you ice cream?" Viren shook his head. It didn't really matter if he had. He wanted ice cream and Viren didn't want to sleep. They had hours until Levi came home again "Do you want sprinkles? Or chocolate?" Viren hummed as if he were considering his options, when they both knew what it was going to be "Both!" Yep. He knew it "Ok baby. Give mummy a second" A second might have been a generous understatement. First he had to use the bathroom, then he had to make sure Titan had his wet food, and that there was water in his fountain, followed by checking the fridge for fruit. He had no idea why Levi insisted on storing the banana's in the fridge. They lived on the bench, in their bowl, where they were remembered. It was their home... not the bottom shelf of the fridge where they didn't belong "Muuuuum?" "Give me a sec baby!" Fuck it. He couldn't remember if he's ever had a banana split, or at least one like in the movies, but he was sure Viren hadn't. They had to be slightly healthy, right?. Nuts, dairy and fruit... and chocolate... oh... fuck it. It was worth it if it made Viren happy. They could all use some happiness in their lives. Settling down with Viren, the two of the shared the banana split as they watched Viren's choice in movies, something with super heroes he didn't know. Usually he was stuck with Anna's choice. She'd try and sit through the things Viren liked, but the moment there was a break, the program was changed before they knew what happened. The only time it didn't happen is when Eren had hold of the remote. Sitting with his legs along the sofa, Viren on his thighs, and his stomach as the table, both he and Viren jumped at the knock on the front door "Daddy!" It was too soon for Levi to be home. Scrambling off his lap, the toddler went running to the front door. He hasn't conquered the lock yet, so all he could do was hold the knob with both hands and swing against it impatiently "Mum!" "Mum's too fat to rush. Hold on" Stupid stomach. Being a table was about all it was good for... he couldn't stand it. And he couldn't cope with his hate for it, as one pup in there was still doing just fine. Knocking again, Eren was ready to ignore it completely. All their friends should know better than to knock twice, in his current condition, and delivery people didn't come this late at night. Levi had made dinner, so it definitely wasn't pizza. Hitching the chain on, he flicked the bolt round so Viren could open the door. Shooting him an annoyed glare, his son wasn't happy that it didn't open all the way. Forced to poke his head around the corner, his son huffed "You're not my daddy" The toddler than shutting the door in the face of their visitor "Viren..." He couldn't be mad at the boy for his bad manners, not when he wanted to do the same. Opening the door, he sighed, prepared to apologise for Viren's behaviour "Hello, Eren. It's been a while. I'm hoping we can talk" His first instinct was to slam the door in Floch's face. "A while" had been over two years. A while" hadn't been long enough "Eren, did you get the letter?" "What letter?" His voice was sky high, confused as fuck... and leading to Floch raising an eyebrow "Sorry. I've been in hospital since... well, a while" "I'm sorry to call so late. But when I didn't hear back from you, I thought it best I come tell you that you've been summonsed to appear" "Hold on. I have no idea what you're talking about" "I'm talking about the Karanes Incident. Look, can I come in? It's easier than doing this through the door" "Levi isn't home right now..." It was just him and Viren. He didn't need a panic attack, or his nosy three year old hearing anything "I did try to keep you out of it, but the trials going ahead. It starts in two weeks time, which means there's a lot to cover" Floch wasn't listening him. Why was he so shocked that an alpha wouldn't listen to him in his own home? "Hold on. Let me do the chain... Viren's just had sugar... He's either going to ignore you, or have a tantrum... you've got shit timing. I just got out today..." Talking more to himself, in an attempt to clam down, than to Floch, Eren closed the front door. Once again tempted to leave it closed. Karanes was years ago... Letting Floch in, Viren wasn't happy about it. His son refusing to go to bed, or to watch TV when there was a stranger in their house. Lowering himself down into a dining chair, he couldn't help but shy away as Floch's eyes drifted to his stomach "Congratulations" "This isn't about that..." "Viren..." "Floch. You're not here to discuss my personal life. I've been in hospital since just before the New Year, and now you're showing up on my doorstep. What is all this about?" "You don't need to be on guard" "Excuse me. I haven't seen you in years. I would have been fine without seeing you ever again. What is this trial? You said it wouldn't go to trial" "Because I didn't think it would. When The Church fell apart, the fall out was huge. Ministers. Politicians. Police. Their influence was wide spread" "I know that. Probably better than you do" Floch disregarded his curt words "One of the politicians is kicking up trouble in order to clear his name. The case is against both the Karanes and Shinganshima Police Departments" "And how does this relate to me?" "You are the son of Grisha Yeager. We know he worked for them for over a decade. It was you, and he, who destroyed the compound" "We both know..." "That you were involved. He's determined to show that the statement you provided, is nothing more than speculation" "So he needs someone to blame?" "Unfortunately. We did know there was a chance of this going to trial, and we attempted to keep you out of it. But as the only one who was actually there... if he can discredit you, he feels it'll go a long way to overturning the charges against him and his friends" "And if I don't testify?" "You risk being arrested" "I'm sorry. But I can't. I've got too much going on here" "Eren, he could walk" "And I'm pregnant. There's things in this world that we can't change" "Eren" "I gave you my statement. If they have questions, can't you just like... forward them on?" "His defence team is going to want to talk to you" "I can't do it" "Eren..." "I can't! Ok! I can't and I won't. I've been trying my hardest to forget all of it. Zeke. Grisha. Reiner. Bertholdt. All of it! I just want to be left alone" Wincing, Eren rubbed his stomach as pain flared across it, he wanted Floch out and the last thing he wanted was to go into labour or something. He didn't want to disappoint Levi "Eren. You've been summonsed" "And what? I'm an omega. We both know how that works" "That's why I tried to keep you out of it" Ouch. Yeah. No. Floch had to go. Rising to his feet, he glared down at Floch "I told you everything I knew. You have my statement. You have Levi's statement. Viren and Levi both nearly died from what happened. I will not let anyone hurt my family like that again" "If you don't testify, these people will be walking free" "They're not people. They're shit in human skins" "Then you should know we can let them get away with this. I've brought some photos, if you can identify any of them..." "It's been three and a half years! Nearly 4..." "You just have to look" "Leave my mummy alone!" Yelling at Floch, Floch didn't care. Placing down the file he'd brought with him, he placed it down in front of Eren. Eren sliding it back as he held one arm out, Viren not moving to his hold "Viren. Baby. It's ok" "You upset my mum..." "Viren, it's ok. He's leaving" His son continued to glare, Eren kind of proud his son wasn't letting himself be intimated "I'll leave this with you. And give you the night to think this over, and to talk to Levi about it" "I'm not going to change my answer" "There's actually a copy of your statement in there. I wanted to gauge your reaction. Read it. Think about it. Then we'll discuss those photos tomorrow" Floch saw himself out, like it was perfectly fine and normal. Eren frozen in his seat as he stared down at the manila file laying on the dining table. Why now? Why on top of this? "Mum?" He couldn't even look to Viren. His eyes glued to the stupid file. He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to go back to that place, even if it was through words on paper. He didn't need to read the thing to remember. He couldn't forget, even if he wanted to. Levi bore the scars of his past. He bore the scars of his past "Mum?!" Anything he said would be pulled to pieces. Floch knew that. That's why he didn't want him around the case. Anything he touched fell to pieces. Anything he touched, he corrupted. Levi... Zeke. Moblit. His father. His mother. Viren. He'd nearly killed his son giving birth to him. He had. Levi had said Erwin had worked on him... The pup inside him... he'd broken them... Then there were the people he'd worked with. Zeke had burnt the club down. Zeke had killed the people who'd chained him up. He'd left a trail of destruction wherever he'd been "Mummy... you're scaring me..." His arm dropped. He was scaring his son... "Baby. It's time for bed" "Mum?" "Don't argue with me, baby" "I don't want to go to bed!" "Viren, please..." "I don't want to go!" "Then go watch TV! Just give me a break!" The moment the words came out his mouth, his face burnt with shame. Viren didn't understand. Covering his face, he shook his head. He couldn't fucking breathe. This... this couldn't be happening... His father had destroyed the compound. He'd seen it burn. All of it was gone. Whatever this was. This had nothing to do with him... This was Floch's mess. Floch was the one who'd gone after them all... "I'm sorry, baby. Can you please go watch TV?" He needed Levi home. He couldn't calm down... he couldn't calm down and he couldn't breathe. Not when this stupid file was here... He couldn't call Levi. Not on the night of his first day home. Not when he'd been rude to him earlier. He couldn't just call him home to save him from a panic attack... * Walking into his apartment, Levi had expected the silence. He'd sent Viren in to wake Eren when the boy hadn't wanted to go to sleep for him... what he hadn't expected was the foreign scent of an alpha he didn't know. In an apartment filled with his and Eren's scents, it stuck out like a neon sign, just as pungent and unwelcoming as Eren's scent of distress. Yet. Instead of focusing on that, his alpha was focusing on the real question. Who the fuck had been in their apartment and why? "Eren? Are you awake?" Locking the door, Levi shrugged off his jacket as he walked towards the laundry. His uniform stank, and with his heart racing, he was trying to calm down with an act of normalcy. Clothes off, laundry on then time for a shower. Trying Eren's door, he found it locked. Knocking lightly, he got no answer. He was still yet to tell his omega he was quitting work. Eren hadn't wanted to talk while he was in hospital. He'd mostly kept everyone at an arms length, only conveying the things he needed from home. Hanji has tried to talk to him, but she'd gone and put her foot right in it. He wasn't impressed either. Neither of them had truly had time to process, or talk. Eren's fever had returned, the medication administered had left him fading in and out of consciousness. Not that Eren had noticed, he'd start to talk, only to trail off a few moments later, and pick right up again as if he'd never fallen asleep in the first place. Levi had been trying to ask Hanji to leave before she decided to pick a fight with Eren. He knew Marco hadn't been in to see Eren, as Marco didn't even know Eren had been in hospital. Erwin had tried to push, earning himself a black eye in the process due to his lack of sensitivity over the situation. Mike had been decent enough to leave it as "Eren has an infection". Erwin had tried to calm him, calling it "a simple infection that didn't require so much worry". It was the morning after the Hanji debacle, and he'd ended up telling Erwin to "shut the fuck up, because he had no idea what he was talking about". This lead to questions and he'd acted without thinking. Knocking on Eren's door again, his omega stayed locked away from him. Part of him wanted to kick the stupid door in, while the more rational part of his brain told him to break Eren's trust by finding the spare key too it, and letting himself... He forced himself to do no neither. Returning to their bedroom, minus the Eren that had turned him room into theirs, with the hope that his mate would wake before he left for work. Maybe the could even have breakfast together, and discuss his retirement then. When his alarm blared at him at stupid o'clock, Levi was sorely tempted to destroy his phone. His face was frozen to the point his nose was running, and that was with the majority of him buried under Eren's blankets. Shivering as he climbed from their bed, he growled softly as he walked into the living area. The curtains that usually hid the balcony from sight, were fluttering in the cold winds of the morning. No wonder it was freezing. Unsure if he'd missed it due to his tiredness last night, or if Eren had opened it without thinking, Levi walked over to the doorway, ready to lock the outside world away. The sun was yet to rise above the city, the world a dismal grey as he shivered again. Pushing the curtain away, he found his omega sitting on the floor of the balcony, Titan laying next to him. This wasn't what needed first thing in the morning. Didn't Eren feel how cold it was? Or was he completely out of it? Stepping onto the balcony, he mentally cursed the weather, and Eren for making him come out here. Squatting down, he placed his hand on Eren's shoulder, his mate so cold that Levi's stomach did that annoying dropping thing it liked to do when something was clearly up with Eren. Forcing his voice to remain soft and calm, he didn't want to scare the omega into trying to jump, or startle him if he was sleep walking "Eren? What are you doing out here?" Blank eyes looked to him, Eren's lips tinged blue. He needed to get his omega inside and warmed up. He was still recovering and his immune system still wasn't up to scratch. Eren's body didn't need the stress of becoming a human popsicle "I'm not having an abortion" Right... ok. His mate wasn't in the best of head spaces "Ok... but that doesn't tell me why you're out here" "I'm wondering why I'm alive" Shit. Just. Shit "Did... did something happen?" "Yeah. I ruined everything" This was not the place for an in depth conversation "Eren. How about we go inside? It's come out here" "Maybe I can freeze to death. Wouldn't that be fucking funny?" There was absolutely nothing funny about that at all "Eren..." "I told myself that I wouldn't let you see... but I guess I just want your attention after all. I don't know why you stay with me" "Eren. Come inside so we can talk" "I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget how bad I was. My existence causes pain" "Eren, no" "I can't even carry your children properly. Did you even want kids? Or was that something else I forced on you?" "You know I did. I do. I love you, and I love Viren. I love the two pups inside of you" "If I die. Do you think everyone can finally be happy?" "If you die, I know I will never be happy. Please, come inside with me" "I'm tired, Levi. No one wants to listen to what I want. Not the hospital. Not Hanji. Not dad. Not Zeke" "I want to listen. Here, come here" Eren let himself be pulled up by him, but didn't make a move to help walk back inside. Titan ran straight in, giving him a look that seemed to say he was watching over Eren until Levi got his shit together. Doing all of the work, he got Eren to the sofa, then backtracking to close the balcony up, making sure the top bolt was done so Eren wouldn't be able to just let himself back out there again. Freezing cold, he made another detour, grabbing the topmost blanket off their bed, before finally returning to Eren's side. Sinking down on the sofa, Levi wrapped the blanket around both of them. He wanted to pull Eren into his lap, but the omega was sitting ramrod straight, now not giving into his touches "Eren, what happened? Can you talk to me?" "It won't change anything" "You don't know that" "I do. Nothing ever changes. I hurt people and they die" "What are you talking about?" "I don't understand why I'm still alive. I shouldn't be alive. Dad should have just killed me off when he killed mum" He was fast growing angry at the lack of sense Eren was making. It was too early for such shit "You're not making sense" "Don't worry. I won't off myself" "Why are you being like this?! You said you needed someone to listen. I'm listening. Shitty Brat, you know I couldn't live if something happened to you" "I told you it won't. I won't harm the pups either. I don't want an abortion" "I..." "Everyone wants me to have one. That's all they talked about" The hospital... But that wasn't the only thing they'd talked about. Every day medical science was improving. There were cases of tumours being removed and the mum's being able to carry safely. That was all depending on the growth of the tumour to begin with "We have options. Weren't you listening?" "Right. You're right. I'm sorry" "Hey. You're not alone in this. I wanted to tell you last night, but I've put in my resignation at work. As of the end of the month, it'll be official" "Why?" The small forced smile on Levi's lips, as he tried to make Eren feel something other than frozen, fell "Why what?" "Why would you quit?" "To be here for you and our children" "So I made you quit" "No. I made the choice for myself" "Would you have done it if I wasn't a bad omega?" "You're not a bad omega! You're my omega. My mate. And you're scaring the shit out of me right now with all this death talk" "I guess I've said too much..." "No. You still haven't told me what set this all off" "I did tell you. All I wanted to do was forget, but I'll never be able to" A nightmare then? It was the most plausible reason for Eren being so upset, his omega had had a nightmare and hadn't wanted to disturb anyone with it "Things will get better. You're still freezing. Why don't you take a bath, while I make us some breakfast?" "No thank you. I'm not hungry" "That's because you're too cold to think straight. If you prefer we can take a bath together. Whatever you need" Placing his hand on Eren's stomach, he wasn't trying to be suggestive, only supportive "How can you touch it?" "Touch what?" "Doesn't my stomach disgust you?" "No. Why would it?" Rubbing the swell, he didn't understand what was disgusting. He loved Eren's swell, and their pups inside. He was worried for their second pup, but that didn't mean that he didn't care for it "I was just wondering" "I love it. It fills me with pride to see you growing swollen again" Leaning in, he kissed the corner of Eren's lips, feeling nothing in return. Eren was definitely trying his hardest to push him away, and that wasn't happening "Let's just take a bath together. I can wash your hair" Rubbing Eren's stomach a little harder, the omega stiffly nodded "Ok then" Getting Eren into the bathtub and between his legs, he felt like being a bad father. He couldn't help himself. Eren was slick thanks to his pregnancy, and his nape was right in front of him, while his hands were resting on Eren's stomach. He knew Eren was struggling, but their sex life had been great until Eren's fatigue, and he missed the feelings that came from knotting him. He wasn't about to do anything up his love, but that didn't mean his mind wasn't thinking of bending Eren over the bathroom counter. He didn't feel sexually frustrated, though things had been stressful for both of them. Maybe a little release was what Eren needed? To not be in his head? Resting his chin on his omega's shoulder, he sighed softly "How do you feel?" "Warmer" "Good. It's going to be cold today, so you should stay inside" "I haven't got anywhere to go" Levi sighed again, this time at himself, before trying to sound playful "You know what I mean" "I do. I wasn't planning on going anywhere" "I have a split shift again, so I'll be home for lunch. Is there something special you want?" "Not really" "Should I just surprise you?" "You don't have to do things for me. You don't have to force yourself" "I'm not forcing myself. I love you" "How can you?" "Easily. I love you. I love you, Eren Yeager, and I'm going to marry your stubborn arse, just to show you every day I do" "You shouldn't have quit work for me" "I did it for us. For the five of us. I'm tired of missing things. I want more time with Viren, and you, and these two. I want time for us. I want to be able to have sex with you, then lay in bed with you. I went to watch bad horror movies and Titan failing to cat" "You want to have sex? When I look like this?" "You are the most beautiful creature I have ever met. You're fierce and fiery, yet you can be so soft and sweet. Your stomach is full of my pups, our family growing as you do. I could never not want you. Your just as sexy inside, as you are outside" Sliding one hand down to grasp his lover's dick, and using the other hand to force Eren to face him, Levi pushed a hard kiss to Eren's lips. He didn't understand what could make Eren feel so undesirable, when he was perfect. Jerking the omega softly slowly as he thumbed at Eren's slit. Eren was going accept he was sexy and did all kinds of things to every part of Levi's anatomy, whether he liked it or not. He wouldn't force himself on his mate, but he could touch him intimately to show he did want to. That's why he kept everything so light, so as not to make him feel forced. The only display of forcefulness was his forced kiss in attempt to show all his affections through Eren's lips. When Eren pulled away, he let him "Levi..." He'd thought Eren was about to cry, or to break. Softly replying "I love you" "I don't want this" Releasing his hold completely on his omega to honour his wishes, Eren scrambled to leave the bath. His actions jerky and sudden "Eren, I..." Giving him a cold glare, his heart broke a little more "I'm repulsive. Just... don't touch me" Grabbing his towel, his mate made his way from the bathroom, leaving a wet trail as he did. What the fuck was going on this morning?! Eren was cranky yesterday, but it was clear he was happy to be home. Now he was acting... crazy. He couldn't keep up and didn't know what he'd done wrong... Was it the hand job? Maybe it was the hand job? His alpha didn't think it was the hand job. The smug arsehole wanted to keep going with the hand job. God. Now he was going to have to start all over again... Eren's brain was just as sexy as his looks. If given the chance, his mate could prove he had a lightening fast sense of whit, and humour. While it took a tiny fraction longer for things to sink in, he was incredibly smart for a kid who'd never been to school then concurred the school thing in less than three years. He loved being able to have an intelligent conversation with his mate that wasn't to do with Paramedic Procedures... * Eren had retreated to his room, refusing to come out, while Viren was still sleeping when Levi left for work. Coming home for lunch, Eren was sitting on the sofa with Viren, his son climbing down and running over to him "Daddy!" Reaching up at him, Levi lifted Viren to his hip "Hey, brat. Did you miss me?" "Yep! Mummy made pizza for lunch, but I wanted to wait for you" The way Viren said "pee-zah" alway brought a smile to his face "You didn't have to wait for me" "I was good all morning!" "Were you now? Would mummy agree?" Viren shrugged "Maybe" "That's my boy. Give me a kiss" Viren kissed his cheek "Alright. It's pee-zah time. Eren..." Eren wasn't there. He looked to his omega in time to see him disappearing into his room. On his hip, Viren sighed "Mummy isn't happy" "Not at the moment. He's just feeling sick" "He wasn't happy last night either" Viren covered his mouth with his hand in a very Eren move, but his comment was already out there "What do you mean by that?" Viren shook his head. Gently pulling his hand away from his mouth, his son sighed "Some man yelled at mummy last night and mum yelled back" What? "It wasn't Uncle Mike? Or Uncle Erwin?" Viren shook his head, while Levi couldn't think of who would possibly picking fights with Eren "Ok, well. I'll talk to mummy" "You don't need to. Here" What was the point of closing his door if Eren was going to come reappearing anyway. Shoving a letter into Levi's free hand, his mate took Viren from his hold the moment he could "What's this?" "I had a visit from Floch" Floch... Floch was never good news. Ever "Karanes is going to trial" "He said it wouldn't..." "Yeah. Well. I've been summonsed. He told me he didn't want me near the case and tried to keep me out of it. Even being a whale with a complicated pregnancy won't get me out of it" "Eren. The last thing you need to be doing is testifying. When did you find out?" Last night. Right. The moment he said it, he remembered it couldn't have been any other time than yesterday "Floch showed up after you went to work. Viren and I were watching TV and started trying to mess with my head. I can be arrested if I don't testify. The defence? Wants to pull my statement about "The Church" to pieces so they can all walk" Moving to place his hand on Eren's arm, his fiancée flinched away "I can't stand being touched right now. I'm sorry, but you need to keep back. I'm either going to start screaming, try to hurt myself or go into another panic attack over this. I wanted to forget, but here we are" "You... this morning... I thought you had a nightmare" "You have to sleep to have a nightmare. I was reading my statement. Floch was ever so kind to drop a copy by. Viren didn't want him here. Not that I did either" "I wish you'd told me" "Levi. I came home yesterday. I told myself I wasn't going to tell you anything because I can't..." Eren waved towards his head with his free hand "... ok. I need to keep things together for a Viren. But he's all I've thought about. I'm tired. I want to thinks things out and just the thought of this going to trial makes me want to jump off the balcony or take the nearest knife and... Can you imagine Viren's life if he gets caught up in it? The son of a psychopath. The grandson of Grisha and the nephew of Zeke. What a great family line that is. I thought we could leave it behind..." Bouncing Viren on his hip, Eren kissed his son's forehead "For his sake, he can't know. I don't want him to know. About Karanes. About the institute. About the pup. Everything has to be ok in front of him" "I'll see if..." "If Hanji can take Viren? We can't ship him off all the time. It's not fair on him" "We need to talk to Floch about all of this. I wasn't shipping him off, I was going to ask if she could watch him for a few hours while we did. There has to be a way that this can proceed without your statement, or a way to keep you off the stand" "The only other person I knew who survived, then tried to kill all of us" Placing Viren down, Eren shook his head "I can't. Ok. I read my statement. I read it and realised how much I didn't remember when I gave. When I close my eyes, I can remember that place. I was there for three month, nearly 4 years ago and I remember it. I don't know what to do. I stayed up all night and I don't know what to do. I don't even remember what happened or how I ended up in my room" Floch was a fucking arsehole. Of all the time he could have shown up, he'd chosen while he wasn't even home. Floch knew that everything relating to Eren had to go through him. It was Eren's request. If he knew he couldn't handle it, he asked Levi to step in as his alpha and his "owner" as too much of society saw it "I'll talk to Floch. You do what you feel you need to do" "I don't think either of us want that. I just need you to not touch me, or knock on the door" Then this morning's bath was the last thing he needed. Shitty Floch. And shitty Eren for not telling him the previous night. He would have handled everything differently if he'd known any of this "I'm sorry about this morning. I wanted you to know I still love and want you" "This morning wasn't good" "I know that now... but, Eren, you're not repulsive. You're my mate. My lover, and my pride and joy" Shaking his head sadly, Eren stepped towards his room "I don't feel that great. Let me know when you're going to work"

[steadycoffeeflow]

Day 10. Flowing | H&J

This prompt was supposed to be about Leo and his addictions, in the framework of J&H. I didn’t want to write that. Maybe another time. Instead, we get my self-insert character. She seemed easier to slip into and deal with.

Today was also Mental Health Day! Take care of yourselves you fucking eggs.

Osmosis: a process by which molecules of a solvent tend to pass through a semipermeable membrane from a less concentrated solution into a more concentrated one, thus equalizing the concentrations on each side of the membrane.

The concept was something Steady knew they’d gone over in high school AP Bio class. She could picture it, as if a mere decade hadn’t passed her by at all. Mr. Brett who was a portly and pleasant man with a full, pepper-salt beard who always referred to himself in the third person. They were setting up an experiment that involved potato slices.

Damn if Steady could remember what the results were. Just one thing stuck out to her: homeostasis and equilibrium. Needing to have a balance.

And as she sipped from her coffee mug - laden with irish cream and vodka, her fingers feeling heavy and mind slipping even farther away - she considered that. Mulled it over. Fixated on the idea.

Having a balance. Two solutions. One lacking and the other too much. Too much of what varied. Energy. Electricity. Food dye. It didn’t matter what - it was just Too Much. A lot. Excess. It needed to be burned off, in the case of energy. Spread and shared around in the case of dye.

One side, flowing into the other. Filling in for the lack and spreading out what was too much. It sounded...nice. Peaceful. The type of ideal tranquility that would strike her on some odd Thursday night, an ordinary day out of ordinary days, and make her begin to weep, curling in on herself.

Steady watched, eyes languid, as Mr. Brett put the potato slices in the water, then took another sip of the syrup, letting it sting her tongue pleasantly.

One time, just before college started, Steady had been struck by the idea that she needed to go camping. Had made it to the door with her old tent pack gear, a couple days’ worth of food and a fishing pole. She didn’t even know if there would be water where she was going. Didn’t even know where she was going. Said as much when her mother asked. Both parents had flown into rages at that, thinking she was running away. Hell if Steady even knew where she was running to, let alone away from, just knew she needed to run.

It happened another time, when she was still working in Detroit. This one had an impulse. ‘New York State of Mind’ by Billy Joel came on the radio, cutting through the static of the afternoon and information technology article write-ups. Steady had to go to New York. Could see it so clearly, her sitting on a bench, watching the taxi lanes clog up, observing the people on their phones and in their nice clothes with her darting eyes. She’d only seen the city on the news, for New Year celebrations, in the older shows before the century.

She got to the receptionist when he’d joked: “Taking a second lunch?”

She’d frozen, hand raised to push the handle, but not quite touching it. The spell broken, she laughed at him. “Just putting my bag in the car. Thinking of taking a walk to wake up.” Nodded. Accepted. Normal response.

She had to be more normal.

There was that other time at college, her mind pivoted to next. She’d stayed up, drifting into hour-long naps once every 24-hour period because, distantly, she knew she needed some rest, and all she’d been doing was writing. Writing writing writing until her wrists were aching with the force of creation.

Then, she crashed for 32 hours, unable to move. When she woke up, groggy and head stuffed full of pain, she’d called home. Explained what had happened.

‘Oh honey, you’re just creative.’

But this was different than all-nighters in high school. Each new idea had been something to explore, a compulsion she had to explore. It was frightening, getting swept up in a tide of creation. Usually the process was freeing. This...this was something else. She was skipping class, realizing only when it was dark out that she hadn’t left to go to the dining hall, that someone - her roommate - had asked if she wanted to go. Then snuck a plate back. Bought a sandwich using Steady’s ID. Put a bottle of water snugged up on the pillow with a smiley face on a sticky note and Steady couldn’t answer her own question: When had that gotten there? When did you last drink water? Shower? Eat? Use the bathroom?

People joked. ‘Who’s your supplier, eh?’

Who knew how long Reese had been standing there. Not Steady, that was for sure. She jumped when she noticed him leaning in the doorway of the kitchen, arms crossed and a slight crease to his brow. “Heya,” she said, chipper.

“You do this often?” he asked, processing something.

Steady looked around the kitchen. “Cook? Yes. I need to eat food, Reese,” she snorted, going back to slicing the peppers.

“Are you cooking for an army? Was there a new upgrade I didn’t know about, where androids have to eat too?”

Steady bristled a bit. Reese wasn’t laughing. Wasn’t brushing it off. Which meant she’d misstepped. Shit.

Taking inventory of the counter, she tried to think if this was excessive. Was it too much? There was the crockpot with the chili simmering away on low. Had been for the past three hours. Still needed another five or so, which meant it would be ready for her to take to work. Then, she still had pepper left, so she was slicing those up to fry for a fajita mix she’d cook up once the chili vacated the crock pot.

This all had a logical, clear progression.

Steady looked confused at Reese, to see if he was going to fill in any gaps she was missing.

“Are you going to eat that all tonight, or will you be feasting in your dreams?” he asked, holding out his hands at the mess.

Steady followed the hand motions instead of looking at Reese’s face. Couldn’t meet his eyes. Whenever she did look at him, she found herself drawn to his chin, or maybe the wave of his hair or the tattoos he had. Or just the knife in her hand - that was a good idea - to keep an eye on that.

“I mean,” she said, mumbling it now. Voice lower than she needed it to be. Had to pitch it up. Sound like she wasn’t affected - like she normally was. “I’m just not tired. Must be the coffee, whoops.”

Reese frowned. Folded his arms. Watched her. “You...last cup of coffee you had was this morning.”

The blade skipped on the pepper skin. The blade was dull. Knew she had to watch it, or she’d graze her knuckles, slide a fingertip. “Should cut it out entirely,” she replied, smiling ruefully. “Last doc suggested I go straight decaf if I needed to have my hot drink fix. I never went back.”

Reese nodded. Didn’t say anything until Steady was working on the third and final pepper to slice. The pile was consuming the counter space, thin, uneven strips of it falling off the cutting board. “Well, are you going to need help cleaning up…?”

He moved to the sink and Steady jolted. “No.”

Her cry rang out. Probably alerted Rose and Aria. She winced, sucking air through her teeth as she bowed her head over the pepper. “Don’t. I’m good. I’ll clean up after myself.”

“That’s a lot of mess,” Reese started to protest.

“Don’t.”

“Okay.” He relented easy, likely had only been offering to be polite.

Steady eased up, then scooped the peppers up, dropping them into a waiting, warm pan. She turned up the heat, added a dash of butter, then turned to the flank steak. She’d used about half for the chili. Could sear it nicely with the fajita mix. Keep that on low for another-

“It’s nice to see you up and about. Last two weeks you spent on the couch,” Reese said.

Steady shrugged. She was missing something. Something about this scene was odd to him. She had to figure it out, smooth it down, fill in the crack somehow.

Reese patted the island counter. “Well, looks like you’ll be a minute or two. Mind if I…?”

“Go for it,” Steady said, smiling. Forgot why she’d been worried anyway. Probably just paranoid. Nothing to worry about. She busied herself slicing up the beef. Methodical. After a couple of minutes, her mouth began to move of its own accord. Filled in the cracks. And Reese listens. Listened to her story about high school AP biology as she trimmed the fat from the meat. Soaked it in when she relayed the story about camping back in Detroit as she stirred the peppers, appreciating how they were sweating down and charring the bottom of the pan. Tilted his head as he considered her story about wanting to travel to New York.

“Is that why you’re here now?” Reese asked.

“What?”

“New York. Now. Rose hasn’t mentioned how you two met yet.”

“Oh. No. That’s not - I’m. That’s something else, I mean. I always wanted to go to New York, who doesn’t. There was this one time we were going to see a Broadway performance, actually, but the trip just didn’t work out so we went to the local Apple Diner Theater in my hometown instead. Gosh that was such a good - my friend was in it? She was great. Knew her from high school. She used to sneak out with me during lunch breaks. Always smoked. I never did. I mean the harder shit. Sometimes I get a nicotine hit.” Steady shrugged, pushed the meat into the pan. “Wonder what happened to her.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! I mean, we had a falling out. People always have falling outs with me.” A tightness overtook Steady’s chest and her eyes stung. Must be the peppers. No - that was onions. “Misunderstandings and the like. They get tired. But…” Where had she been going? Right, the play! “It was Wicked! She had the role of the witch…”

And as Steady bustled about in the early hours of the morning, limbs, chest, fingers, heart - mind - racing with electricity, Reese listened. He inclined his head this way and that, shrugged, flashed his palms, wrinkled his nose that caused the burns around his brown eye to crinkle.

Outside the night pressed in, chilling and tran - We should decorate the house for Halloween. Just the inside should be fine. Not too attention grabbing. I can go shopping after work and- quil in its absolute pitch blackness.

And things felt just right.

[writingbarnes]

Bad Boy [ Bucky Barnes x OC - Reader Insert ]

Prompt : Based on this tumblr post x a.k.a The cat shelter AU I think everyone needed.

Pairing : Bucky Barnes x OC

Genre : Fluff , crack   |   Warning : Cats  |  Words : 2K-ish

Author’s Note : I started writing this like a few weeks ago and finally finished it today. I hope you love it ! Enjoy <3 Let me know what you think! 

Thank you @pleasecallmecaptain for proofreading this mess. (gif is not mine)

“Bucky.” Steve Rogers’ all-too-familiar sigh could be heard from across the room of the kennel as Bucky dumped the last bit of the dried cat food into a small plastic bowl. He ignored the loud meowing of some cats, who managed to sit on his feet, waiting for him to feed them, and looked up at Steve with a small sheepish smile on his face.

“Hey.”

“You were supposed to take out the trash,” Steve said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Not feed the cats for the fifth time in a day! They’re getting so fat, Bucky. It’s not healthy!”

“They look fine to me.” Bucky frowned, looking down at the biggest cat in the shelter, a black cat with bright yellow eyes who managed to ward off any potential adopter in the past three years. Steve was staring at him with challenging eyes when he glanced back at his friend. “Okay, maybe this one needs to eat less. But the rest of them are so underfed. I need to feed them, Steve.”

There was a small pause, one Bucky used to quickly pour just a tiny bit of cat food into a half-full bowl. He innocently blinked at Steve, who looked like he needed a seventy years’ nap.

“Jesus Christ. Just take out the trash, will you?” Steve turned on his heels, wanting to get away from his best friend. There was a little rustling noise behind him before he continued, “and stop feeding them in the middle of the night!”

.

It was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right for [Y/N], as if someone up above was really adamant on not letting her be a little less tense and anxious. First, she burnt her breakfast and dropped her favorite coffee mug. She came to work fifteen minutes late, sweating profusely, having to run from the train station to the restaurant she worked at. Sam Wilson, the owner of said restaurant, seemed to take pity on her pathetic self, letting her off without much scolding.

Throughout the day, she managed to trip over her own foot, drop a few plates when she was trying to pick up a stack of dirty dishes to be washed, lost her staff card somewhere, and earned a few dirty stares from the customers when she let out a string of curses after her apron ripped.

Natasha laughed at her and [Y/N] would’ve thought it was out of malice if she didn’t see the slight sympathy flashing in Natasha’s eyes as she offered [Y/N] her favorite chocolate.

“You would’ve thought getting reprimanded for almost fighting a customer was the last fuck up you’d do but nope.” Natasha raised an eyebrow when the chocolate bar slipped off her hand and clattered to the floor. [Y/N] had never related to chocolate so much in her life. She stared sadly at the chocolate, not making a move to pick it up.

“At least Sam didn’t fire you.” Natasha patted her back comfortingly. The redhead had a great way of cheering her up. She didn’t know how Natasha could make her feel better and worse at the same time with just a few sentences.

“Maybe he should. I could just stay in my room for the rest of my life, rotting away like this chocolate.” [Y/N] mumbled, poking the chocolate bar with her shoe.

Natasha rolled her eyes as she pushed herself off the wall. She adjusted the strap of her shoulder bag and flashed [Y/N] a tiny smile, one that she reserved only for her best friend. “Don’t be so dramatic, [Y/N]. Here, go grab the extra fish and feed the cats today, yeah? They’ll make you feel better. I promise.” She said, shoving the small food container at [Y/N].

That brought a little flicker of excitement back in her eyes. “Really?” [Y/N] asked, eyes wide. Today was supposed to be Natasha’s turn to feed the cats in the small alley near the animal shelter a block away from their shared apartment.

“I have to visit Clint and make sure he doesn’t die from eating too much pizza anyway.” Natasha shrugged, waving her hand as she walked away from [Y/N]. “Don’t wait up for me!”

.

There were slight murmuring noises when Bucky opened the backdoor of the shelter. He frowned in confusion as he took a few steps closer to approach the dumpster. The voice seemed to belong to a woman and his guess was correct when he found said woman crouching a few meters away from the dumpster, right next to the empty card boxes where a few stray cats lived.

“… manga lied to me…” Bucky’s lips quirked into an amused smile as he watched the woman feed the cats. She kept mumbling to herself while her hand gently patted one of the cats’ head. “Where’s the bad boy protecting stray kittens, revealing their soft side to me? Hm? Have you seen them, Egg?” she asked the white cat with a small patch of orange on its head. The cat let out a small meow as it continued to eat, ignoring the woman’s rambling. Bucky bit his lips, trying to stop himself from laughing at how ridiculous she was right now, from her oversized sweaters that reached the slightly muddy ground when she crouched down, to the dirtied sneakers and her messy hair, to the group of cats in front of her, quietly eating while listening to her.

“Maybe I’m the bad boy.” She gasped with conviction in her voice.

“You’re not, really.” Bucky snorted. The woman jumped, startled by his voice. She ended up losing her balance and falling back on her ass.

That did it. Laughter spilled out of his lips as he chucked the trash bag into the dumpster before making his way towards her. “Sorry.” He grinned, offering a hand.

She didn’t say anything and kept her eyes to the ground. There was a short moment of silence and Bucky thought she was going to punch him when he heard a soft sniffle.

“Are you crying?”

“I guess I am!” She finally looked up at him with tears flowing down her cheeks. She angrily wiped it off with the sleeve of her sweater, which did nothing but make her face dirtier than before. The realization only spurred her on and before he knew it, she was sobbing loudly in front of him. Bucky would’ve laughed if he wasn’t panicking so much.

“Hey,” he grimaced, crouching down to her level. “I’m sorry. You were talking to the cats and– please stop crying. Steve is going to hear you and kill me for making you cry.”

“Gh-oohd,” she said in a muffled voice.

“I work at the shelter.” Bucky started after watching her cry for a while. “Um… do you want to come inside and see the cats and dogs?” He physically winced the moment he finished his sentence. What the hell is wrong with you? See the cats and dogs? What is she, five?

“Can I pet them too?” He heard her ask.

“Yeah, sure. You can even borrow a t-shirt or something. I think we have some spare clothes inside.”

There was a small pause before she finally looked back up at him again, staring at him in curiosity.

“Okay.” She nodded

“Great!” Bucky’s face broke into a huge smile. “I’m Bucky.”

“[Y/N].” She replied with a tiny voice. “My name is [Y/N].”

.

“You can hang out with these guys. They’re really nice.” He pointed at the room filled with fluffy cats. “I’ll get you some clothes you can change into.”

[Y/N] pushed the door open, ignoring Bucky’s voice. Her eyes were fixed on the fat cats lying on the carpeted floor.

“Hello.” She greeted softly. The biggest of the bunch, a chubby black cat, trotted towards her, nudging her hand with its head. It let out a content purr when she scratched its head. “I love you so much. You’re so round.” She whispered, lying on the side to let the other cats sleep next to her. It didn’t take long for exhaustion to take over her. The purring sounds seemed to do its magic in calming her down.

“Come here, let me hug you too.” She smiled when the black cat settled itself right in front of her, letting her cuddle it.

“Okay then. I’ll be back soon.” Bucky nodded, leaving her to find spare clothes.

She was fast asleep when he came back ten minutes later. His beloved rescued cats huddled around her for extra warmth; it was adorable. Bucky quietly picked up the clean cat blanket from the shelf in the corner of the room and draped it over her, not having the heart to wake her up. He could leave her here and put some notes for her or he could wake her up.

Where were his notepads and pen when he needed them?

.

She was jolted awake by a loud scream outside her bedroom. Her eyes drowsily scanned her surrounding, panic lacing through her for a mere second before she noticed the cats. Shelter. She fell asleep in a cat shelter. Of course. A soft laugh escaped her lips. Her happiness was soon ripped off her when the door slammed open, revealing a tall blonde man (extremely gorgeous too, but that was not the point) pointing at her with his finger.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Who the fuck are you?” She asked back. The man’s eyes slowly went to the pile of clean clothes on the table and a piece of note stuck on it. He impatiently grabbed the note, reading them quickly before letting out a sigh.

“You’re Bucky’s friend.” He stated.

“Not really. He let me pet the cat after making me cry.”

“What?”

“STEVE, I CAN EXPLAIN!” Bucky, in all his freshly-showered glory, came barreling in through the door, voice booming in panic as he came face to face with his best friend.

“Can I at least get changed first?”

.

“Nice clothes.” Natasha smirked when [Y/N] walked into the restaurant for her shift. [Y/N] was donning a bright pink T-shirt with cat patterns and black sweatpants that clearly was too big for her. She blushed furiously as she ducked down, running to the back room to get changed into her uniform.

The day went by quickly without any hitch aside from minor mistakes. She might have forgotten her wallet and her bag at the shelter, along with her dirty clothes but Natasha gave her an extra piece of chocolate during lunch and Wanda offered her an extra piece of cheesecake she bought earlier. It was beautiful and it was Friday and [Y/N] couldn’t wait for her shift to be over so she could go home and sleep for the next two days.

“Hey, [Y/N]! Someone’s looking for you!” Sam popped his head and jabbed his thumb towards the entrance door. “Pretty good looking. Is he your boyfriend or something?”

“I don’t have one.” [Y/N] flushed pink, quickly leaving the changing room, Natasha’s and Wanda’s chortles fading behind her as she closed the door.

.

“Bucky!” [Y/N]’s face brightened at the sight of her new friend. She jogged towards him.

“You forgot your stuff.” He smiled back, handing her the bag and a plastic bag of her clothes.

“Thank you.” She sheepishly smiled. “I could’ve gone back there later. But thank you.”

Bucky shrugged, cheeks tinted slightly pink and she would’ve noticed it if she wasn’t too caught up in admiring his smile. “You seemed to be having a hard time yesterday. And I made you cry too. It’s the least I could do.”

“Did Steve tell you to bring this?” [Y/N] asked.

“He told me to jump off a train.” Bucky snickered. “He’s a huge ball of stress when his wife is away.”

She chuckled, enjoying the quiet silence that slowly came between them.

“So…”

“So…”

.

“If I had a dollar every time the two said the word ‘so’ I’ll be 30 dollars richer.” Sam grumbled from across the room.

“Is this her boyfriend?” Wanda peeked out of the kitchen, eyes gleaming with excitement and curiosity.

“Did they guys have sex on a swamp? Why is there mud all over her clothes?” Natasha furrowed her eyebrows as she took out the once white sweater.

  Tagging:

@pleasecallmecaptain @currentlyavengerstrash @wakandasoldier @writing-soldiers  @reniescarlett@alfyiskingly @b-orderline @gl1tter-bubbles @barnes-and-noble-rogers @justareader @nev4rland @sexy-marvel @greekstudies @so-get-this-i-need-pie @imtryingtostudyseb @i-am-an-outcast @wordstothewisereaders @fortheluvofall @ijustwanttobepartofyourworld @feelmyroarrrr  @blacwings-and-bucky-barnes @sarcasmismyfirstlove @sarcasmismyfirstlove @litterally-trash  @mrspopbunny @stxnninq

I’m sorry if i missed anyone. pls lmk if i did 

[sunshinexlollipops]

What an absolute relief, I’m so happy for you! Thank you for keeping us updated I was so worried about lovely Argos and to here that things will get better is so wonderful! You’re an amazing pet owner and he’s incredibly lucky to have someone who adores him so much!

ah I just saw this in my inbox, anon!!! 😅

admittedly I haven't really spent a lot of time on SM (apart from tik tok bc that has gotten me through this lol) so I apologize for taking a moment to reply!

thank you so much for the compassion and well wishes. I was so relieved my boi was okay. I had prepared to let him go and that was the hardest part of it all. thankfully, it was no more than a fixable ulcer, so he's right as rain!

I've taken the time since his all clear to relax and soothe my soul.

currently, I haven't quite chased down a job. I've been doing odd chores or tasks for people to get paid, and I'm about to help clean a friend's apartment for $15/hr as well. my intentions are to write my book and submit it, and hopefully get published.

I may take a part time job to keep the lights on at some point, but right now, j just want to breathe after the mess that was my previous work.

that being said— I contacted HR about what happened. I figured not much could be done since I severed ties with the company, but I still wanted to inform them of what happened. I mentioned it a little on here, but unfortunately, I had major issues with the new store manager, and she basically made it to where I had to choose my dog or job. it was an easy choice.

my former co-workers were upset with her and none are happy with her for what she did to me, and all of them are angry on my behalf. I do know another is contacting HR for his own issues (except our SM may have done something ILLEGAL with him), and others wanted to call on my behalf after what happened. not sure what things will amount to, but I do not wish her luck with any endeavor.

still, it is water under a burnt bridge. I just thought I'd update you all on myself and what's been going on. I've wanted to try and be more active on here now that I am basically freelance, but it's been a hell of a week and some change to boot.

there's one other anon I must respond to, but I did want to thank you all for the love and support! I just had to deal with this and settle myself from where I was before coming onto here.

I also did things like get my first covid shot and have been trying to get my life together now that I have the time and ability to do so! we love the growth and productivity!

I feel a lot better and so much happier, both with my life and Argos being okay! 100% this was the best outcome.

(as an additional update: he's back to normal! he's gained weight back, is acting like himself, and is super happy and energetic. I just spend time with him and we cuddle and sometimes I just cry because he means the world to me and I am so grateful that his original diagnosis was wrong! gah— I need to go cuddle him again—)

we beat cancer when we didn't even have it, and I moved on from a toxic job I needed to leave anyways. it was quite dramatic, but sometimes that is how it plays out!

I hope you're doing wonderfully since you've sent this my way, and I hope things continue to be pleasant or turn out even better than they were! also hope you're staying safe, and enjoying yourself. 💛

hopefully I'll have more positives to share with you all!

I was thinking about doing some writing updates, sole fics, art, and showing you all my new affinity for house plants! (I currently have 4, oops.)

but enough prattling! I'm gonna respond to this last anon and then shower and take a fat nap!

goodnight lovelies! talk soon?