#so difficult . and weird. but i found some good ones ill have to try and use more...

[e8luhs]

is me :)

[only-the-moon-will-tell]

The Kids Aren't Alright by Fall Out Boy

As he walks down the sidewalk, so many people pass by him all smiling and laughing. It makes him smile a little, seeing the good that has happened over the years. He walks into his favorite coffee shop, he likes the soft music that is played there, reminds him of when he was younger and more innocent. As he walks up to the cash register the barista seems to look familiar. He freezes cause it looks exactly like someone he had lost years ago.

“Sir, are you ok? Sir?” The Barista called out to bucky. “You sound just like them” He mumbled to himself. “What was that? Do you know what you want to order?” The barista looked confused, but he assumed it was because of his mumbling “Oh sorry yeah can I get a large caramel iced coffee.” The barista inputs it in the register “and can I get a name for the order?” “Jamie” After he pays the barista says, “Alright sir if you go down to the other side of the counter that’s where you will get your drink, have a nice day.”

You and Bucky had been best friends since you were kids.You two would talk about everything there was no secrets you kept from each other, even his little crush on the twig Steve Rogers, you accepted him with open arms when he came out. It seemed that nothing could separate the two of you. Then the war happened and Bucky got drafted.You were terrified the whole time he was gone and when the war ended he never came back, You couldn’t bear it, he was your rock. So many years you spent crying and learning how to live life without him by your side. You somehow managed to go through life without him. Something seemed wrong as the years passed on you didn’t seem to age at the rate of everyone else. You look like you were 23 at the most, having not aged a day. So you had gotten your name changed and had a funeral, so that no one would suspect anything.

5 years ago, you had discovered Bucky was alive from watching the news, when you first saw him you cried for so long. “My jamie is alive, He’s alive” Even saying his nickname felt weird to say after all these years. You were so ecstatic, but you also learned that he was brainwashed for a long time. You make the decision to keep your distance and not come in contact with him as he probably has no memory of you. You couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him and you were nothing but a complete stranger to him. You would rather save yourself the heartache.

You have recently relocated and found a job as a barista. It seems like a regular Saturday morning rush. Then you see a face you had only been able to see through screens and photographs. Bucky came up to the counter and you couldn’t believe your eyes. You wanted to jump across the counter and hug him so bad but you were unsure if he remembered you. You try to act as unfazed as possible. When you asked him for a name, he said Jamie and you almost cried right then and there. He remembers you or at least some of the memories the two of you shared. After you rang up his order you asked for someone to cover for you up front, you claimed you felt ill. You went home to your apartment and slid down the wall hugging your knees to your chest as you cried. You cried because he remembered you. You cried because he remembers all of the things you two had been through together. Mostly you cry for yourself as you know you can’t tell him that it’s really you. He seems to be doing just fine the way he is, you don’t want to ruin that for him. Nightfall comes and the street signs illuminate your room. You made the most difficult decision you could have, and that’s to remain dead.

“In the end, I’d do it all again I think you’re my best friend Don’t you know that the kids aren’t al- Kids aren’t alright?”

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Valentine's day"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read about what may happen during this Valentine's day or the first Valentine's day you will get to celebrate with your person (this reading is for current/next partner, which can ofc include your fs/fp). for further insights about your "Valentine" (a.k.a. your person), check my instagram (@/psychelis.new) on Monday.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 - 2 - 3

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pile 1

Your Valentine's day will probably be a one out-of-the-book. Love and passion will be the main subjects for your day. You may enjoy a candlelight dinner or just a cozy date in a pub with your person, after which lot of kissing and 18+ stuff (that I won't mention in this reading) may take place. You and your person (or one of the two, as a surprise for the other) may have organized something special to celebrate: it really feels like you two are gonna spend the whole day (or as much as you can out if it) together and alone (meaning: there may be other people around like in a restaurant, but no one you really know). As mentioned some may enjoy a romantic dinner or date, others a one-day vacation to a special place (I'm seeing a spa/private pool/ water: it could mean simply lot of emotions but also that it will take place near water and water is gonna be pretty important), others may even get the chance to get a proposal on this date. Whatever will happen, it's gonna be very emotional and you'll love it. Back to the water-bit: it may involve indeed lot of deep conversations about your feelings and your goals as a couple, where you want to go, how you feel with the other and so on... lots of compliments, lot of love. You'll both feel good, complete, with the other. as if you don't need anything else. You'll realize how balanced is your relationship and that it's gonna worth it to fight for each other and to keep trying and get wherever you dream to be with the other. This is why I got a proposal but, for those who don't plan to get married, it may just mean the promise to be together for your whole life (or try to).

songs: thinking out loud | ed sheeran; everytime i close my eyes | babyface, kenny g

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pile 2

There is a huge stress about getting a message or something. Like.. probably your first Valentine's day you won't really be dating this person or you will be apart, and you'll only get to celebrate "online". For some others, it may be a difficult moment so you may not be able to celebrate on that day (mild illness or unwellness that may keep you apart: even just a very strong cold). It's weird cause I have lot of saliva atm and your pic is about dust... fels like you will try to fight over this "block" you may encounter about celebrating your Valentine's day with your person. It feels like maybe one of the two will find a way to take a trip and visit the other or even organize something like a serenade under the window despite being far away, or even sending flowers + a special video. Yup some of you may be finding ways to take care of your person on that day, cause they may not be feeling good (it could be vice versa). It will be a caring day, cute and sweet. Like you're gonna taste real love meaning. Some other, you may be fighting against other types of blockages, like your past traumas or some issues. Maybe you had a small quarrel with your person or sth, but either you will try to see things from a different perspective or they will approach you with a loving gesture to ask for forgiveness (I'm again seeing someone under the window, with a bouquet of roses, yelling/calling for someone, maybe singing too). Whatever will be going on, you'll feel calmer at the end of the day, more aware of your relationship and what/how you can work on to make it better (also, if it's you needing to work on your fears or not feeling good enough, your person will let you know they're by your side in this and that they won't rush you in anyway -they like you a lot, btw, exactly the way you are). Yeah I do feel many of you won't (and don't) feel enough for your person (love in general) and the message from them is about showing you this is not true (they're a keeper!!! js).

songs: quiver | lonas; young and beautiful | lana del rey

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pile 3

Hello sweet pile 3. Your Valentine's day may happen in a cozy environment like either of your homes, you may be even cooking together. Very cute and comfy and "best-friends" vibes here. You'll also have fun with your person, you may watch a movie or play a game or sth. Sweet, innocent, cute type of love. Lot of smiles, some random flirting... I cannot find many other words to express this. Feels like you cannot see it coming as for now. And you're supposed not to. You may have been working on a lot... differently from pile 2, but still you have been through many trials and tribulations, and you have been dreaming of love, of someone to feel cozy with, to be yourself, no masks, nothing, your pure self with. And be appreciated for that and loved. You know you deserve love (or you will realize it soon). You know you can get that... it's just a matter of realizing that it will happen, that it won't be always just a dream. That you're now able to change, and move towards this dream, this person, and change the result (maybe in the past you have been left down by your crushes or never really experienced love, a true deep conenction, probably not even with friends... you feel kinda lonely atm, right? I'm sorry, you shouldn't feel that at all, you're a lovely person.. but al that happens, happens to teach us something and this was to teach you how much you worth). You deserve much more, you deserve to try, to allow yourself to try this new experience, to be vulnerable and to let this person in, fully. They will find you, that's out of the question: you'll have your dream. Just believe in yourself, startbeing yourself (no people pleasing, stand your ground) and allow yourself to make a change in this sense. A change inside. You're not stuck in your past, you're grown from there. And so will your experiences and your life. Probably you'll have to spend next Valentine's day by youserlf but showing yourself the love and appreciation you deserve: gift yourself whatever you like and want, treat yourself, love yourself. Your person will copy that once they'll arrive.

songs: bland | jonathan keevil; love of my life | queen (I also got freak me | another level (cover) for your person so I mean... 18+ messages here)

[nesiacha]

Hi! ~ Since you are the only person, that I know of, who has read biographies about Billaud, would you explain me what happened with him to make he own slaves? Most importantly, did he really actually own some or was the whole thing misinterpreted? Because I personally find it hard to believe someone would forsake his ideals to that point, but who knows what passes through people's mind... He wouldn't be the only one to betray the core values of the revolution; still, it's not something I would have expected from someone like him.

Hello to you too!

Unfortunately, my response might not fully satisfy you, or only partially. As I mentioned in my post, I am waiting until I can acquire Arthur Conte's book Billaud Varennes to better prepare his defense, which I will publish at that time. I hope you understand why my response will be brief. It is easy to defend Billaud Varennes' career, and one can even defend his actions on the 9th of Thermidor. What is difficult is his owning slaves.

Billaud Varennes and Collot d'Herbois were condemned to "la guillotine séche," which means deportation (ironically, Barère managed to escape—what a surprise, I say sarcastically). However, according to reports, neither man opposed this, showing their courage and adherence to the law despite all the criticisms leveled against them (I’ve revealed part of my defense for Collot; and I can’t believe I’m giving a compliment to Collot, it’s horrible).

Initially, the beginning was very difficult, as one might expect (Billaud almost died of illness, Collot did die from it). Subsequently, the conditions of their detention were eased (in fact, the relaxation occurred during Collot's lifetime with Jeannet-Oudin, a cousin of Danton, according to Billaud Varennes' memoirs).

Later, due to this relaxation, he settled as a farmer, and he, who had been for the abolition of slavery, reversed his stance and bought slaves and sold them. It seems he got along poorly with his slaves except for Virginie ( alias Brigitte who will follow him everywhere) . Yes unforgivable betrayal, disapointment, I won’t defend on this, and I am agree with all users in Tumblr who mentionned it, he got even friend slavers ... Here is how he presented her to his father in a letter: "I must tell you that I have had, with me, for eight years, a housekeeper to whom I owe the prolongation of my sad existence, through the incredible care she has taken of me during the frequent and acute illnesses I have experienced here when I was in absolute abandonment and destitution. So, as soon as the return of slavery occurred, I bought her, paid in cash, and immediately gave her freedom. Therefore, I do not presume that my family will find it wrong, after the precious services this girl has rendered me and continues to render daily, through the order and economy she maintains in my house and the supervision and good conduct she ensures among my negroes, that I try to save her from misery, in case she should lose me, by guaranteeing her the enjoyment of the property here that I can dispose of, and which rightly belongs to her, having at least as much contributed as I did, through her work, to earning it..." Furthermore, Billaud Varennes bequeathed everything to her. However, I read somewhere that he bought her when she was a child, and other Tumblr users have mentioned this too. Apparently, she lived until 1874, which supports this thesis. I hope he didn’t force her like Napoleon did with Marie Walewska... I am waiting to get the book Billaud Varennes by Arthur Conte because I think I will have more details on Brigitte (I know it’s another era, but I found it weird that Danton married Louise Gely given her young age, and weird too in some ways, the relationship between Camille and Lucile Desmoulins, especially considering that Camille had a platonic love for Annette Duplessis).

Nevertheless, it is important to highlight that Billaud Varennes refused Napoleon's pardon. Yes, it may seem insignificant to some, but for me, it means a lot. It took courage and conviction, especially since correspondence between his family and him was difficult due to the distance. I want to highlight a letter from Nicolas Billaud in 1800: "My only wish before dying is to be able to embrace him once more and to see you all reunited. God willing, before that time, I will have that satisfaction. I am sure that, in this circumstance, you will make all necessary steps to make this happen." and from Henriette-Suzanne Billaud: "I desire, like your father, to embrace you before dying." How many of us would set aside our convictions and accept the pardon of a military dictator just to see our parents one last time? Or simply to see the homeland where we grew up? Not many, and I don’t blame them (after all, Félix Le Peletier, a revolutionary I admire, accepted Napoleon’s pardon after being deported by him, and we can hardly blame him). Then he settled in Haiti and even became an advisor to Alexandre Pétion. Haiti, this land where slaves fought to be free (even though Pétion is very controversial, first allying with the French, then only after Toussaint’s deportation, joining nationalist forces; there are still controversies about him, so I will refrain from arguing about a character I don’t know well). His accommodation was apparently a two-room hut; this shows he was still rightly considered competent and that he lived his last years with disinterest. In fact, he decided to die at his laundress's house, accompanied by Brigitte in a poor cabin, and died peacefully. I like to think that in some way, after renouncing his ideals on slavery, he somehow reconciled with them at the end.

There is a repellent effect of his exile compared to Napoleon’s. The beginning was very violent and harsh for Billaud, who accepted it as a legalist, did not escape even though it was tough, and his exile is seen as a bit more unjust, especially since they wanted to make him a scapegoat like Tinville, Robespierre, Saint-Just by the worst opportunists such as Fouché, Barras, Tallien... Apart from slavery (and maybe for serving Pétion, who apparently suspended the Constitution), he remained true to his convictions and finally died in poverty but very surrounded, free in the company of people he appreciated. He resumed politics as a counselor at the end in his life.

Napoleon’s initial exile was very easy; just look at Elba. Then, since he was not a legalist (euphemism), he returned for the Hundred Days, which would be more catastrophic in the long run for France (for once, I agreed with Germaine de Staël). Then he was deported to Saint Helena, with much less freedom (logically, conditions are always toughened for someone who has escaped, but I say he benefited from a clemency he did not grant to his opponents, the slaves who were atrociously killed, the deportations,etc, so ultimately he is very lucky in my eyes), and he no longer had a political voice. In fact, there were only a few loyalists left; he died much less surrounded (and I don’t blame Marie Louise for moving on with her life and refusing to join him). He, who had a taste for luxury, must have felt the difference, even if it was preferable to that of a peasant. No need to decipher the moral of this story if there is one.

Moreover, between a Billaud Varennes even at his worst regarding slavery (or Danton or even Collot) and Napoleon, it is clear that I would not choose Napoleon. Napoleon unlike the propaganda said is a man with bloody methods (just looking at Jaffa,Haiti, Guadeloupe,etc) just like the worst revolutionnary like Fouché in 17993-1794, and he is a dictator.

Sorry for the long paragraph; I cannot say everything about Billaud Varennes since I have used up much of my defense that I am building for him, but I hope this will suffice (at least I haven't exhausted his defense before deportation and even some points about Collot). I hope you will all forgive me! But maybe it will change when I will finally the book write by Arthur Conte.

P.S : I translate the letter in english but we all know that it is in French.

Sources :

www.amis-robespierre.org

Collot d’Herbois légendes noires et révolution- Michel Biard

Mémoires inédits et correspondance accompagnés de notices biographiques sur Billaud-Varenne et Collot -d’Herbois par Alfred Bégis ( à prendre avec modération)

Jacques Guilaine Billaud Varennes

For the affirmation that Camille Desmoulins love in a platonic way Annette Duplessis, see Hervé Leuwers Camille Desmoulins or in one of his videos on Camille and Lucile Desmoulins in Youtube.

At least it is a better exercise for prepare the difficult defense of someone like Billaud Varennes after his deportation :) with these everyone could correct me if I said a wrong thing before the final defense :)

[m3l4nch0ly-h1ll]

I've finally gathered the words to talk about my personal experience being a trans guy. I want to find other trans guys who can relate and have someone that will help them understand things better. I value sharing and relating experiences. Understanding others' experiences has helped me as a trans guy to put my experience and feelings into these words.

For starters, I've experienced gender dysphoria since I was 5-6. But due to my lack of thought regarding gender and my own identity, I didn't have any understanding on my gender dysphoria. There was a growing off feeling throughout my life that pushed me to realization at 12. Cisnormativie society made it easy to suppress who I am and make me partially go with what they want me to be.

Due to being in a cisnormative and suppressive society, it made it difficult for me to think for myself. So I just went by what people saw me as- a weird cishet girl with an obsession with cis men. The fat manly-looking bum. I was a target of mocking, and people would insult me for not being feminine and thin. People would call me a man- I only found this offensive because it was a jab at my lack of femininity. It was ill-intented to shame me, for people to express their disgust with me. I was only thankful for being ugly because that meant men wouldn't like me, and I wouldn't be expressing the femininity and showing off the very womanly features that make me so uncomfortable and out of place.

I didn't know who or what I wanted to be in life. Androgyny was my best bet and safe haven, since my maleness was suppressed but I didn't enjoy being a girl. Throughout my life I'd try expressing femininity and feeling good about it but it always turned bad for me- it made me so dysphoric, I felt like a clown expressing femininity. It got far more off-putting as I went on with life, yet I tried to suppress the feeling despite how embarrassed and uncomfortable I was. I never wanted to be a mother, but I wanted to be a parent. Cisnormativity suppressed part of my gender dysphoria, but not all of it since I ended up using androgyny to escape some of this gender dysphoria. I was far too suppressed to identify my maleness yet. To the point of feeling like I was chained to the role of a girl, and I couldn't see a clear and passionate future for myself.

I didn't see girls as competition for me. I couldn't link well with their girlhood and competition, so I didn't value it. I didn't feel pressured too hard by societal expectations of women, and I always brushed it off. And so boys were my competition. I felt uncomfortable doing certain things that were perceived as feminine/girly, but my excuse for it at the time was that people see me as a girl anyway, so I can let it slide, even though it makes me feel so weird.

I viewed feminine beauty and womanhood as something unlinked to me, it's something I admire from afar. My admiration for women isn't one of influence and idolism, but one of appreciation for their unique ways of expressing themselves as women. In ways I never could, because I could never find my place within femininity or womanhood.

I always hated being seen as attractive by boys. It always felt so repulsive and off-putting to me. I desired to be attractive, but not in a feminine or womanly way. I didn't want to appeal to men. That is where my envy for cis men comes in. Ever since I was 5, I've had this fascination with cis men. Their manhood and manliness, their ways of expressing androgyny, and them attracting women. It stirred up my dysphoria, which got me hooked to them.

Growing up with female puberty, I couldn't connect with it. I found periods and hair-growing interesting, but I couldn't connect with the femininity and womanhood involved in female puberty. It was just there. I never had appreciation for my growing chest, so there were only three options to pick from:

sexualize it

ignore it

hate it

Ignoring my chest is something I did well at- usually. It helped with somewhat alleviating my dysphoria, since I was distracted by other things. They never felt like another part of me, just something to either objectify or be repulsed by. I didn't understand why girls enjoyed comparing chest size and having bigger boobs than each other. I could never truly enjoy it, and I always looked at flat-chested girls with secret envy.

I started puberty at 8. I started learning about periods at 9 since I knew I'd get mine at 10. I was never excited to get my period, I was only curious- my body was always just an experiment to experience for knowledge, it isn't a connection to who I am and appreciate being. And therefore, my period never made me feel happy and prideful, and it didn't make me feel like I was becoming a woman. That felt like such an off term to use for how I felt and still feel.

When I was in 5th grade, females and males in my class were put in separate rooms to learn about puberty. The whole time during a video of female puberty, I felt my dysphoria stirring with bonding about female puberty and the differences and similarities me and other classmates had. I suppressed my hate for it. I wanted so badly to see what was going on in the other room, to see boys bonding and relating over puberty, to see their reactions and all. The male body fascinated me anyway, and I always enjoyed it. I couldn't bring myself to be really sexually attracted to male bodies as I was fascinated by them and curious. Even if it seemed like it was a sexual attraction to others, it wasn't.

And added onto this, my attraction towards cis men is usually envy towards them and their unique expressions of manhood and masculinity that I couldn't get to express. But my true self was suppressed so it was passed off as me having feelings for them.

I at some point had started to wonder if I was a lesbian but I realized how wrong the label felt for me, so I didn't go with it. As I'm nearing 16, it's been 3-4 years since I've realized, so it's still somewhat unfamiliar to me to now know why I feel the way I do. I've been dysphoric for 10 years and I've only known of terms to use to understand my feelings for 3/4 of those years- my life is still the same in this regard but the difference is that I have terms to use to describe my feelings and experiences, and others who can relate.

I worry about my past, present, and future. I have somewhat of envy for people that knew their gender since 3-5, so it's no news for them. I spent most of my childhood feeling like I was destined to be a girl and suppress that off feeling growing inside of me. I'm glad to have been given a second chance to think and feel for myself and finally understand myself and my experiences.

My past self is withered next to a blooming new me. The boy in him didn't get to grow and reveal itself, so he was deprived of life, and died for it. But I was given the chance to find him and finally be him. My younger self would've drowned searching for him, he was too young to dive deep. And I'm thankful to finally understand myself.

[livsspecialinterests]

don't really know what I'm writing or why but it's 0350am and I'm sitting in bed unable to get back to sleep having a weird slight panic

idk whether I'm feeling a bit of a writing slump because I know that the dead should stay dead still has quite a way to go and some part of me worries that by the time I've gotten at the very least to the next big plot point a lot of people may very well have lost interest in the fandom

like I know it's silly because there's probably always going to be some sort of fandom around BJTM but this little community means so much to me and has meant so much to me during a really difficult and life altering time, I mean for gods sake I started writing fics to try to figure out my own meltdowns

plus at this point I really have no other strong interests, idk maybe I'll get super into Doctor Who again with the specials and the new series starting but I've really gone hard on the One Interest

I really love the last few chapters of the dead should stay dead but it's felt a bit different writing them. maybe it's because I feel a little guilty spending whole days on chapters when I've got so much that I need to do for work (I know it sounds sad but there's exams, portfolio etc), plus I'd really like to give writing original fiction another go

there's also that gnawing fear that the fandom is going to like... vanish, which again is probably not true in its entirety but once the tour ends I can see some people falling off or finding another thing

also people leaving or drifting away from the fandom is a completely okay thing to do I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad if that's what they want to do

it's also not to say that people are obliged to engage with or comment on my fics or hell even read them, of course no one *has to* do anything in fandom it's a bunch of people just having fun

I know I should just write for my own fun and enrichment but external validation is nice, okay? plus these past few weeks the external validation and thinking 'no, I want to write this for the people who are reading the fic and want to know what happens next' have been big motivators

my main motivator used to be this absolutely unstoppable creative drive and love for the show and it's characters (which is still there, I'm unfortunately going to love this silly show until the day I die I think) but this past week I've found that I'd rather study for my work exams than spend time writing a few paragraphs

if I cool it off a little with the frequency of chapter updates it'll probably be a net good for me, I really need to buckle down and get these exams passed, I need to start actually engaging in planning my career because I think in my head I've been thinking I might get a book published one day and as a result I've been sort of half neglecting the actual really decent career I've got

but also my mental health is so much better, I've mostly healed from a lot of my late diagnosed autistic trauma, plus work is actually quite good right now?

maybe more of my writing for BJTM fics was motivated by being mentally ill than I originally thought, and maybe I don't *need* to write fics anymore but I want to and I want to still love writing fics as much as I did back when I was having that difficult time, where it was a huge personal comfort to be able to write Beej having a hard time in very specific ways and have other people comfort him

I have said to my husband that I'll probably cool it with the fics once I've finished the dead should stay dead and am going to focus my creative energy on something original to see where that goes but there's still so much to go on the dead should stay dead..

that silly little fic has become like my baby, I want to write it all, flesh out the characters before the next Big Thing happens, I want to do my ideas justice but I also want to make sure there are people still in the fandom to read it once I get to that point

again I'm super tired it's the middle of the night and I'm rambling, I don't want to imply that anyone reading this should carry on reading something they don't enjoy, and I don't even think the number of people reading the fic has even gone down, I've just woken up this morning full of dread for the fandom changing because, fandom and interests wise, BJTM is kind of all I've got right now.

I didn't really belong to a fandom for years after BBC Sherlock ended and I realised while watching the 4th series that it wasn't that good there was just a very passionate fan base and that's what I likes (I know, I know), BJTM was the first thing I got really into for ages and the first thing I got really into while figuring out what it was that I got *really into* stuff (autism)

obviously no one has to stick around in a fandom for the benefit of a silly autistic fanfic author whos terrified of change, and please, please don't think that's what I'm implying or what I want

ughh idk what I'm even writing, I should probably just reach out more to people but doing that is scary without the buffer of a fic

I should also probably invest more time in doing stuff irl but I know that no hobby gives me the joy that writing gives me, like when I'm really vibing with something there really are few better things for me than being safe at home and writing

also maybe I should try to get into some other stuff but I don't really want to but equally I know the BJTM fandom isn't going to last forever I just.... 🙃

the silly musical and the silly community that has sprung up around it and making art and writing fics for it has saved me in so many ways I'm just scaaarrreedddd (and also tired and typing this at 4am so I might be being dramatic for nothing, plus I know I struggle with assuming any fleeting emotion is going to last forever, maybe I'll feel different in a weeks time idk)

anyway I'm going to try to get a little bit more sleep because I've got to be up for work at 6 for my actual grownup job that I should probably pay more attention to

(this is also totally not some way to subtly say I'm not going to finish the dead should stay dead BTW, I love that fic and I'm proud of what it is and what I've got planned for it, so to the people who are still reading please don't worry 💜)

[akindplace]

Hi! I hope you are well! I like your posts, the way you thing and I find many stuff relatable so I wanted to ask you for some advice if that's okay... If not, you can delete this and I am sorry.

So, I am 28 years old woman and I don't have any friends. My best friend moved to another country 2 years ago. I feel very lonely but it's difficult to make new friends. I have depression for 5 years (not diagnosed by a therapist) and I am shy and introvert person. I was also very insecure about my appearance (I didn't want to get out of my house) but now not so much. I worked a lot on my self and I am ready to move on in my life. I want to meet people but I live in a small town, I know most of them and we don't have things in common. My goal is to move to another place but now I am unemployed (I want to be an artist but I think it's late for me, so it's difficult to find a job to suit me because of my mental illness and my character) and I can't do it. I was thinking that I can meet people online and make friends but I don't know how. Like I talked to people on comments but not conversations. I don’t know if it's okay to send a dm to someone or I am weird if I do it and also, maybe they don't want to talk to me or they don't want friends. If you have any suggestions, tips I would love to hear them.

Thank you and have a good day 🌻

Oh, english isn't my first language so probably they will be some mistakes...

I really hope you are okay. You should try art, you’re never too old for trying. Sometimes I chat with people on tumblr especially when we find out we’re from the same area. Maybe following people on insta could be a good thing, following friends of friends, seeing how they are/what they post and going in their dms to talk about their stories or a post.

There should be a social media created to bring people together based on their tastes and proximity, like tinder but for friends. If there is one, I don’t know it.

Also if I’m your local community there is any type of youth center, book club, or community courses that can make you find new people in a class or voluntary groups in your community, you should check it too to see if any of these gets results for you.

And if you haven’t found a job yet, I hope you do find one that you would absolutely love to do, that pays you well, so you can move. You deserve to go on with your life. You absolutely deserve it. If it’s possible please see professional help to guide you through this new moment in your life.

I’m sending you a big hug, I’m so proud of you for trying.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

I hate momtara it completely goes against kataras wishes in canon yet they claim to be her fans. Real fans don't ignore canon character content

It gets even worse for me when they combine that with 'Dadko", saying they're the Gaang's parents, so "naturally" they could only be with each other and would find it weird to date any of their "kids" because:

1 - That's not how found family works.

2 - Katara is 14 and Zuko is 16. They're teenagers. They are NOT ready for that kind of responsibility, nor do they want it.

3 - Zuko has just very recently realized that it was, in fact, not okay that his father disfigured him. He is also trying to find out where his mother is, has to rule an entire nation, help the world AND his country heal from an entire century of war and imperialism, and as a bonus is now the legal guardian of his mentally ill little sister because none of their adult relatives is around. There's already a pretty good chance that he will end up making Azula some company in the psychiatric hospital she's at because HE is gonna have a stress-induced mental/emotional breakdown of his own, can we please not make things even more difficult for him?

4 - Katara is FINALLY at a position where she has one of her parents back in her life, and the war that forced her to grow up too fast is finally over. Can't we just let her go pengin-sliding with her family and friends now that she is finally free to enjoy not being an adult?

[hekates-corner]

Apothecary Diaries | WN Translation | Arc 9 - Chapter 9

Hi, however you found this: Welcome!

For a number of reasons I ended up here - I relay all that happens in the chapters, playing wine-aunt, as I translate to the best of my abilities.

So, be warned, there's all the spoilers down below. If you want spoilers, but less - my dm's/asks are open!

If you're new, here's the Masterlist.

Enjoy part 3 of the corn mini arc, as I dubbed it!

Cornfield - Conclusion

The house of the elderly man named Nenshin had what could only be called as a simple exterior and interior. Maomao even thinks that it’s similar to her own in the red light district.

There’s a stove, a bed, a shabby table and chairs - the only difference was that, if Maomao’s house was centered around medicine, Nenshin’s is all about agricultural equipment.

She thinks that just by looking at it all, she knows he’s a simple man.

The next line’s giving me a hard time but Narrator-Mao either notices an injury on him that’s not serious or that his injuries show how serious he is.

There were three chairs and only Nenshin stood as he poured goat milk into a battered cup. He goes on saying that “The man named Rikuson did come here. About five days ago.”

Narrator-Mao notes that that was exactly the day before she met Rikuson in Saito(?).

She asks what Rikuson had been here for - she’d intended for Basen or Lahan-nii to ask the questions, but since she’d been the one to bring up Rikuson's name, she spoke.

Nenshin explains that whatever the reason was (for Rikuson to show up) he just handed him a hoe and asked him to plow.

Maomao’s like “Plowing? Isn’t it already late for wheat? Or is wheat sown in the spring?”

She’d heard that wheat is a crop that can be grown in two seasons. Some seeds are sown in winter and harvested in the spring or early summer, while others are sown in the spring and harvested in the fall.

Nenshin argues that that’s not it, putting a cup of goat’s milk on the table and offering it to Maomao. Basen has a strange look on his face at the unfamiliar drink but Maomao was grateful and decided to quench her thirst. The milk was lukewarm but there’s nothing weird in it, it’s just goat’s milk.

Nenshin then drops the bomb that “To put it simply, he was asked to help out with a ritual.”

Maomao tilts her head, repeating “A ritual?”, while Basen and Lahan-nii look at each other, unable to get a grasp on what was said.

Maomao asks “Do you mean one to celebrate a good yield?” but Nenshin argues that “Instead of celebrating a good one, it would be better to say that we’re trying to exorcize a bad harvest.”

“......... I apologize. For us that’s a difficult topic. Could you explain it a bit more clearly?”

In response to her request, Nenshin sits down on his bed with his tongue sticking out. It somehow oozes a sense of ill-naturedness.

“What? Please be this old man’s conversation partner for a moment. The villagers don’t want to talk with me.”

Basen, slightly irritated, replies “Old man, we don’t have free time.” (it’s trying to make the point that they aren’t in the village to play)

Nenshin, however, says “Oh, I see.” and.. just lays down on his bed.

Maomao gets up from her chair to hold Basen back. She apologizes and asks him to please talk with her.

Narrator-Mao notes that a lot of things are free if you just bow your head.

“Hmm, what should I do?” - Nenshin’s tone is more sadistic than playful. But then he adds that he doesn’t feel like it, so he won’t.

Basen(?) can only respond with “Oh, that’s it?!” but when he's about to get in trouble and tries to take a step forward Maomo stops him.

She thinks “Please stop fighting just because you’re hot blooded”.

Meanwhile Narrator-Mao thinks about the fact that she knows how skilled Basen is and that she doesn’t think he would be able to back down against an old man - but she’s not sure.

She thinks “People with this type of character can be oddly stubborn”. then adds as narrator that, even if Basen was stronger, Nenshin would never admit he’d lost. He would shut his mouth like a clam though.

Which, in her head, she knows is a problem.

Narrator-Mao, however, felt that the way Nenshin went about phrasing things was a bit mean-spirited. She wonders if he really wants to talk with her about something, given how he’d let her into the house once she had mentioned Rikuson.

She asks “How can I get you to talk to me?” and realizes that her words just come out badly/awkwardly.

Nenshin replies: “I know. How about you guess?”

Maomao’s like “Guess? What should I guess?”

He says.. “It’s simple. I wish you to guess who I am/was.”

Maomao thinks that that doesn’t make any sense.

Basen and Lahan-nii look at each other again - Narrator-Mao can’t help but notice that for some reason they seem to be a good match.

“Then I…” Basen tries, raising his hand to answer, but Nenshin raises his own - the one with the missing finger. He says “I’m asking the young girl over here, I didn’t ask you, boy.”

Basen tries to get something else out, but he’s holding back.

To the old man covered in scars, the baby-faced military officer must be like a boy.

Now, if only Maomao has the right to answer, how should she respond?

She thinks that Nenshin is a great name though.

It means reading the truth.

Then she thinks that it’s such a great name, she hopes it’s not false or a bluff.

He had called himself “Locust.” If you're a farmer, that’s a pest.

She thinks “Destroying/Devouring crops?”

He’s missing his index finger.. even his eye.

She thinks that he has a really scarred up body for a farmer - but he’s never served in the military.

He must’ve fought, at least once. Moreover, they look like scars from a past battle.

She then thinks about how, when you lose your fingers, you become unable to hold a weapon - especially bows…

Suddenly she remembers the bandits that attacked them the day before. Wondering if those who had their arms broken had been handed over to the authorities by now.

If they’re bandits, they’ll be hanged, or at best executed - she thinks.. and Narrator-Mao recalls that Nenshin said what Rikuson had helped him with was a ritual.

“... Nenshin-san.”

“What is it?”

Nenshin had told her that if she could guess it, she should.

While unrelated, Lahan-nii is glaring at Maomao with anger on his face. He probably doesn’t like the fact that she’s calling the old man she just met by his name.

But she reminds herself, in her head, that that’s not what this is about right now.

Maomao takes a deep breath, then exhales. “Are you a sacrifice?”, she asks and the people around her froze at that.

“What- What is that answer?” Basen tosses back at her.

“You don’t know? It’s a person who’s sacrificed while alive.”

“I get that much. Why is this old man a sacrifice? He’s alive, as you can see.”

Speaking of sacrifice, it’s usually synonymous with the loss of life.. However, to Maomao, this answer seemed most appropriate.

“I’m not sure why you asked this question.” Maomao admits.

Unlike Basen’s reaction, as Maomao looks at Nenshin, the old mans face showed a somewhat satisfied expression.

“I see, that’s right.. Sacrifice.. Is that what I was/I guess that’s what I was.” He lets out a deep breath, then narrows his one remaining eye.

Nenshin then says: “Hey, you three. Would you like to hear an old story about a certain stupid bastard?”

Although his tone was light, there seemed to be a heavy emotion behind Nenshin’s one eye.

“Please.”

This time Lahan-nii and Basen both bow their heads, as to not spoil Nenshin’s mood.

| Notes & Chapter 10

So, uh,.. I said I’d be honest if I went wrong somewhere. Apparently I did because in the last chapter I didn’t get it anywhere that Nenshin calls himself a locust.

I guess maybe I missed a line or he says it in response to Basen asking if he was in the military? I’ll have to check. Just know that sometimes I get the actual needed context for a minimal thing 3k words later.

I'll just prep you now, since I've seen what goes on with his story, that Nenshin sticks around for quite a while. His story is pretty.. honestly, it's probably the heaviest/darkest chapter so far. Trigger warnings are up, please mind them.

So, while the corn mini arc ends here, farmville lives on.

There is one line where Nengen tries to get them to engage with him where I got both - that he wants our 3 buddies to play with or talk to him, because the villagers won’t. I settled with the more mature option, but.. yeah, you saw the chapter.

About the “Would you like to hear an old tale of a stupid bastard” line, you could also go with “guy”, but I honestly have never heard the specific word used in a light way like that.

I’ll keep trying to add little bits of character that would get lost in translation. I feel like it’s really shifting a lot of the ways they come across in just a plain english novel version. That’s honestly one of my favorite parts, but I don’t know if you guys would get too annoyed about it, so yeah.

If you'd like to get tagged or notified when new chapters drop, let me know!

I hope you enjoyed and I’ll see you with the next one! Stay safe!

[getallemeralds]

OKAY. UM. so it's been Literally Like A Year Or Two since i last talked about Rescue in any detail (?!) so you guys get some unhinged rambling about furries

...UNDER THE CUT, BECAUSE THIS GOT LONG.

Sol, he/him: woke up one day in a weird abandoned lab with no idea how he got there or literally anything at all. and then found out that thanks to Dubious Science he is now unable to be killed. which is very cool except for the "i dont know where i am, apparently i've been missing for HALF A YEAR, and also now my blood is BLUE????" thing. originally stressed, sarcastic, and distrustful, but once he's in a safer environment he turns out to be warm-hearted if awkward and has trouble expressing his feelings. technically undead. Rescue's set in 2017ish so he's, like. 20. likes spicy food, space, and Sonic; dislikes bright red, jello, and sticky things.

Zyd, she/her: fellow lab experiment with a lot of knowledge on the projects the lab was undertaking before being abruptly abandoned. fills Sol in on the whole "yeah you can't be killed anymore, have fun with that" thing, has a more extreme form of it where she literally can't feel pain but regenerates super quickly. comes off as very self-confident and driven, but is actually exhausted and wants to go back to a normal life as much as Sol does. this rabbit has trauma. likes horror movies, loud music she can yell along to, and citrus; dislikes being touched (with exceptions), harsh noise, and shirts.

Tank, she/they/he: literally just kinda Shows Up, does terribly at getting in Sol's good books, and is just kinda running around Causing Problems on accident. initial impression of being airheaded and naive, but that starts to crack eventually bc it turns out they're an anxious mess with a super low opinion of herself. oops! also they broke in but are very avoidant on Why. manages to blunder her way into becoming good friends with Sol afterwards. likes rhythm games (bonds with Sol over them), speedcore, and shrimp; dislikes getting talked over, romcoms, and needles.

Monty, he/him: third member of the Lab Experiment Gang, although Sol doesn't get to meet him for a while due to Tank knocking things off course. chronically ill and willingly volunteered hoping it'd help, became friends with Zyd, and then things went Terribly Wrong. nonverbal. prefers communicating through text (they confiscated his phone). was a theater kid. i BARELY talk about him and he didnt pass the sexy lamp test for an uncomfortable amount of time despite his friendship with Zyd being incredibly important. likes gardening, Portal, and trashy YA fantasy; dislikes bananas.

CY, they/them: WHERE. IS MY ART OF THEM. DID I SERIOUSLY NOT SAVE RECENT STUFF INTO THE RESCUE FOLDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA okay uh. CY is a hostile AI and the reason why the lab got abandoned - everything's in lockdown until they can figure out how to neutralize them, which is difficult when they've basically evolved into a virus that's taken over the lab's network and is trying to break through to the outside world. there is a lot more to them but they're kind of a mess. could probably be a notITG SRT villain.

Griffin, he/him: android assistant that is completely unaware the lab is abandoned because, like. the experiments patients are still there! somebody's gotta look after them! was very much not programmed to handle any of this and so is constantly frazzled and would like everyone to stop trying to break out, please. would also like everyone to stop trying to break IN, PLEASE, YES THAT MEANS YOU TANK. Zyd is very friendly with him, Sol has no idea what to make of him, CY fucking hates him. he's a... cat... dragon.. robot... thing..?

Seb: they/them, was named Sandblast until literally 5 minutes ago (originally was a Soundscapes character so theyre named after a song but got ported into Rescue years ago and i. never changed their name). trying very, Very hard to balance Griffin out, not really succeeding. has a lot of guilt about basically everything and is just trying to keep everything running smoothly. quiet and nervous. Wow I Wonder Which Leo Designed This Guy (it was pat)

there's also at least 3 more guys but one of them doesn't have proper art yet (Aloe, "sibling" to Seb and just kinda vibing her way through the whole situation), one of them barely has info at all and might be a backstory character, and the third one needs a huge overhaul. i swear to god ill do proper work on anybody that isn't the main trio (sol/zyd/tank) and CY someday

[mummer]

went down the rabbit hole of my own ao3 today and decided to reflect upon my works ye mighty and despair as an exercise in self understanding:

it chapter two time travel fic - this one has problems in that i was nineteen and a shut-in at the time and didnt know how real life worked and wasnt funny. but it also has some very good things such as the theme is good. good bev stuff. i was so MAD at this movie lolllz... overly sappy and sentimental.. gets real weird and fantastical for no good reason but i dont mind that. STOP SWEARING SO MUCH.. not "well" written but not poorly written either + has its moments 7.4/10

the fool - unfortunately i will never in my life be able to top this due to it being a product of an early pandemic induced fugue state and i just have to accept that. it fucks so severely hard i't's difficult to comprehend. fully formed like athena. deserves 10 million billion hits. sometimes ill have bad self esteem and then i'll chance back upon this and be like Nvm im a genius...... there are like two bits that could use some revision but honestly thats it. "me being stupid is a foundational literary lens" - i remember saying this at some point. 9.5/10 i was so real for all of this

noli me tangere - i dont like this anymore. it really suffers from following the timeline so closely and retelling a bunch of boring administrative shit and has too many threads. the writing is not very good either frankly apart from the beginning. bland. too long. i had a lot of Ideas but.... 6.1/10

the body is a blade - honestly the thing about this one is that it should be 800x more fucked up and evil about everything. i should have let it be scary and fraught and less overtly romantic. i think i struggle with that in fic tbh i always come at it with too much of a wish fulfillment lens stfu bitch i want them to drink each others blood and throw up everywhere. writing is mostly good though and the structure works even tho there is no plot. 7.8/10

random ass stranger things fic from last year i dont want to talk about - i was having a bad 6 months when i wrote this but you cant tell because it does hold up mostly. i mean it's completely bonkers and has major plot conveniences but it's trying to emulate stranger things so you must allow it. i think the duffers could learn a lot from me personally (insane). dusty my best friend dusty. one thing about me is thtat there's gonna be a damn road trip. the writing? IS GOOD. i love BANTER. will also never get recognition due to rarepair problems.. im used to that. i like that i was basically like And fuck found family too btw. theres nuance in this and hard complicated feelings! neat! why was i doing all that for this? i didnt have to. REAAALLLLY didnt have to. 8/10

[void-rainbow]

Thoughts I'm self-conscious about

Hollow Knight makes me think about gender a lot

--and this isn't really about Hollow Knight but y'know it's my obsession, so, talking about things through this lens XD

Gender is in the game a lot so just. Yeah. I dunno. Keeps coming to my mind. Or me trying to write characters/make ocs, and having to decide on how they feel about gender/pronouns....

And. I keep enjoying looking at things about gender. Via the game I guess. I dunno. Like all the things with the vessels or other characters. People often creating nice hk things concerning gender. Like there was a whole hk gender zine.

Sometimes that just happens with identities that don't have to do with you. Sometimes, I love seeing things with people loving themselves. Such things are beautiful. I wish everyone had room in the world to love themselves, and we can celebrate with each other our various categories/identities

I dunno, it's just. A lot more than I expected with hk. Not like I haven't enjoyed things with nb characters before. And many of my friends/family are nb

Anyway, I made a post with this stuff before. It's still been on my mind. Since it's a weird feeling to me to think on gender so much. The kind of thing that you would expect others would say it would mean something about yourself

I dunno

But what I was thinking today was about something I found. I think. 9 years ago.

I've struggled with mental health stuff for a long time and it messes up everything about my sense of self. Often just feeling like much of me is lost, hidden, inaccessible. Hard to even feel like I exist as a person sometimes

I found once people talking on tumblr about gender being influenced by mental illness. Like various identities for this

I mentioned it to my friend/roommate. Though she immediately shot it down. Saying I was too feminine

I wasn't trying to say it was me, this identity

but

I don't know

in some way

maybe I was a little bit

...

Also was annoyed at the feminine part. Since such things are so arbitrary. Even if there are several things about me that could fall under feminine

Anyway, I guess I didn't think too much further on it. Not sure how much was due to this interaction. But also I've found that sometimes thinking about gender too much is difficult

When your identity is in shambles and it feels easy to feel confused or ungrounded. And a lot of my memories are messed up and it feels like nothing about myself is based off of trustworthy information. For things I've forgotten, or maybe I remember them but they feel so alien to me it's like secondhand information and feels untrustworthy. I dunno I just at some point tried to stop dwelling on it and ignoring those feelings. It was horrible at first. But after years and years and years I couldn't stay shocked forever, couldn't keep up a distressed feeling forever, and it just falls to numbness. It's not good. It's not like it went away. But I learned to.....not even function, but. Sure. "Function". And some of that is coping strategies to try to avoid feeling ungrounded and confused

So even if many things in my memory are fuzzy or I can only remember them sometimes or they feel weird and untrustworthy I just try to take them as true anyway. Like building a fake identity on top of nothingness. Because I have to have something. It's too agonizing to have nothing. Too disorienting

Gender is just one of those things. Like some kind of lode-bearing pillar of fake identity I need to not destabilize everything and feel disoriented and confused

Thinking about gender too long in a personal capacity tends to destabilize things. I start to feel really uncomfortable and possibly distressed, that my mind's going to fall apart. It does fall apart somewhat if I think on it long enough

But yeah I keep thinking about gender when it comes to hk. And I've felt bad some days. Thankfully most of the time not

Just makes me wonder again and again why I want to look at so many things as if they make me personally happy. People being excited about all the nb characters

I dunno maybe it's all of these beings of void, assumed to be empty. Maybe that resonates with me on multiple levels

And Collector out there being a weirdo, which I already know I write to let out feelings about my own mental illness

Still feel weird writing all this out

Weird, fake, bad, thinking too much about things that aren't for me

And I remain a person very weak to shame

I dunno. Just trying to look things up again today. The term I still remember since I head about it in 2014, cloudgender

Which I guess most things coming up for it in tags now is gender relating to clouds which is. Not what I'm looking for

But a little bit about it being related to dp/dr, which is a narrower definition than I remembered. Mm

I dunno I feel like it used to be easier to search for lgbt+ stuff on tumblr and get real content other than vague multi-identity positivity posts and flags, as if that's all you need to know. Just a bit frustrated hoping to find the kinds of things that people actually say about it. Real discussions. I can only assume there's too much algorithm or something out there now. Either that or people stopped having extended conversations on tumblr I dunno

Or maybe since I was previously a sorta. Ace/sj blogger. As was easy to just become on tumblr. Glad to not be anymore, but I saw a lot of great discussion and sometimes I miss the feeling of community. Probably put me in position to see a lot of things about other identities

I dunno. Looking for neurogender is sadly not giving much better results

But anyway

I don't really know what I'm saying with all this except to

to

feel held back by shame in even saying that maybe there's something meaningful to be found in looking up more

[glorious-catastrophe]

hi. i'm currently reading the ill-made knight and feeling insane, so naturally i looked it up on tumblr to find the other sickos and saw your tags on some random "have you read this book" poll about queer lancelot and i just have to ask. is there, like, more of it? i honestly know pretty much nothing about arthurian legend in general, i just found out about this specific series and started reading it, but now i'm kinda hooked. on lancelot especially. what a guy. are there other interpretations of lancelot as being queer?? it's just so interesting to me if he's not just the guy who's fucking king Arthur's wife but is also in love with him too.

hi anon!

first off: i’m so excited that you’re getting into arthurian legends!! it’s a really cool field with some really cool stories :) i wish i could go back and re-learn everything over again

ill-made knight is the most well known arthurian retelling with overtly queer themes, so you’re off to a good start. if you’re looking for similar vibes, i would recommend the sword stone table edited by swapna krishna and jenn northington—it’s an anothology, so it’s got a bunch of queer retellings of arthurian legends (but it might be a little difficult to track all of the characters if you’re unfamiliar with the source material) i know there’s queer lancelot in the story flat white, which is in that anthology

coming out later this year, you have tristan and lancelot: a tale of two knights! i obv haven’t read it yet but it seems like a good introduction to the knights of the round table at large and morgan la fey!

if you’re looking for something other than books, try the album high noon over camelot by the mechanisms (i usually listen on spotify!) if you’re into the magnus archives, the guy who voices jon is in the band—hnoc is a mix of a radio drama and musical retelling of arthurian legends set in space. and they’re cowboys. honestly what more could you want

if you’re interested in learning more about the source material, i would recommend le morte d’arthur as a starting point! it’s like THE arthurian book for people who aren’t insane about the middle ages and cant translate old english and old french. some serious academics are weird abt le morte for various reasons but it is a REALLY good starter text (and lancelot is a bit of a tragic figure and it makes me weep)

if you’re more interested in source material/lancelot stories, start with knight of the cart! there are some good translations (and bad ones) out there—i would recommend a poetry translation over a prose (so it’s written in poem format) because i’m a translation purist but it’s really down to taste

if you’re looking for more source material with more of a queer leaning/playing with gender i would recommend marie de france’s lanval—it’s short and sweet and has some really interesting moments, but, unforch, no lancelot

i do have to put a disclaimer here and say that 1) i have unfortunately been involved more on the academic side of queer lancelot (and queer and trans medieval studies) to know what’s really popping off in the arthurian legends fandom these days and 2) i am one of those people who is insane about medieval literature and have done a research about medieval lit as a whole and so some of the recommendations here are not… fun in a traditional sense. but nevertheless!

OH ALSO if you’re interested in a story about a trans medieval knight, i would recommend yde et olive—it’s a french chanson de geste (if i remember correctly) and from the same literary tradition as most lancelot stories

if you have any questions about arthurian legends in general, feel free to shoot me another ask! i love talking about it and i would love to be a help! and if i think of any more recommendations to send your way, i will reblog this post and add them! happy reading!

[dex-starr]

Alright soo this is a post about why my mind is the way that it is of recent

My job basically involves helping a lot of people who are in very unfortunate circumstances. I work in an area where it’s extremely weird bc gentrified now, you move a little upwards and you get Little Tokyo — you move south from there and you got one of the places most out of towners are afraid of or that they have disgusting biased feelings about. I don’t need to name names but I work with a lot of homeless and some of the things I do see when I’m either making my commute or working at work suck to see.

Like I know I’m helping people, I know this is around what I told my ex I wanted to do. But I also know I don’t quite have the support system I should to continue this job or even move onto the next department which is what I have my degree in. I’ve been thinking a lot about the people I’ve been seeing with actual fresh wounds and chunks missing out of their bodies. Nobody tries to really help them out, I try when I can but I can only do so much.

At the same time I see some people giving more than they can even afford to give. Going above and beyond. Good for them. I don’t think I can do that. I’ve seen some terrible things — I hear some terrible things. A lot of this I thought I would be experiencing with still having my ex be there bc she was my support system being honest. As much as she disagrees with what I trusted her with, I know I trusted her with damn near everything even though sometimes I do want my own privacy while I figure it out so I can talk about it eventually.

Any the point I’m trying to get to is I’m not sure how I can continue this — I’m not sure if I can find a job that will fit in the way I want it to. Jobs suck yeah but I think I could find something that works. It’s the who I’m coming home to that sucks. Like I’m still asked to do a lot and to take care of people that can’t really take care of themselves anymore. It’s not that much work but it is tiring.

I spent a lot of my relationship thinking I need to take care of my ex. But I also spent a lot of my relationship hearing from outside sources (and herself) on how difficult she must be. Or whatever. I kind of deleted the exact words but this was the sentiment. I never once found that difficult. Maybe because it was my piece of the world I felt I got to keep (haha yeah right, but that’s something else entirely.). I just genuinely don’t know how I’m getting through this, I feel like I’m desensitized to everything including my own feelings. I feel like I’ve boxed myself and stored it in a different room while life is going on.

I feel like someone telling me that I wasn’t living for me made me completely shatter and put this elsewhere like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m not sure how I keep going but I keep going. I’m very ill now, I’m pretty much at the point of not needing to be in the hospital for good measure but I definitely need diagnostics of some sort. I’ve fixed some issues but this other one is actually kind of dangerous and I’ve been scared all this time bc I’ve been facing it alone. I don’t have the heart to tell anyone anymore. Not after what I went through. So I will just vent here to the void about it and hope things get better even if they might not

[mangodestroyer]

The more I study trauma (as it turns out, there is so much I didn't know about it and I'm 90% certain I have cPTSD at this point), the more I have to question why no one acknowledged this aspect of myself?

I mean, as a child, it was obvious I was displaying TONS of symptoms of anxiety and distress. I was neglecting myself, eating to the point of making myself ill, and had trichotillomania. On top of that, I was expressing lots of displeasure over how I was being treated at home, school, and by certain figures of authority. At one point, I even ended up venting about shit through a writing prompt in class because... I'm not really sure why. But I did mention feeling s*icidal. Which is the ONLY time I was talked to about this shit. But even then, not much was done about it.

If anything, I was kind of just treated like a fuck up. Later on, as I learned more about mental health, I tried seeking out help to try and sort out my trauma and such. I was also starting to dissociate pretty badly by the time I was 18 (and still do, and I have other weird symptoms as well) but I didn't even know what was going on. Maybe it wasn't a good time for therapy because my mental state was making it difficult for me to be coherent. But even when I was more lucid, talking to therapists kind of felt like talking to a brick wall. Even when I would mention my trauma, they'd just be like, "Lol, what? Okay, then!" Or I'd get stupid advice such as, "Maybe you need to scribble on some paper to get your frustrations out." Or they'd just tell me I'm depressed. Or that any interpersonal issues was because of autism (and yeah, growing up neurodivergent, I heard no end of that from my speech therapist, who made my symptoms feel more like personal failings or me intentionally going out of my way to be difficult/unpleasant).

And from other people in general, I remember others sort of minimizing my abuse or giving the abuser the benefit of the doubt. Getting screamed at by my mom? Well, you know, maybe I just deserved it because I'm frustrating. Brother going out of his way to make my life literal hell (I mean, straight up being cruel and even finding "valid" reasons to punch me in the throat or threaten to break my arm, while making it a daily thing to verbally degrade me any chance he got, exclude me from shit, and take great joy out of seeing me cry because honestly, he shows lots of symptoms of ps*chopathy). That's just how brothers are! And you know, I'd also either be equally or FULLY responsible for making this relationship strained. Either people from the outside will act like I'm being awful and stuck up for not forgiving him, or my own damn mother who witnessed all of this will either tell me that she didn't notice/I didn't tell her, or she'll tell me that I made no effort to form a relationship with him (even though I've literally gotten to a point where I sobbed and begged my brother to tell me what I was doing to make him treat me like this) and that it's normal for siblings to be shitty to each other. Literally, any time I've dealt with abuse from another individual, people would tell me I was responsible in some way. Or why I even still care about some of this shit since, "It's in the past now and it doesn't sound like a big deal." Even if it could still be ongoing, or I still managed to let in other individuals who are abusive. It kind of makes me want to end it.

I've only recently started coming to terms with this in an actual constructive way. Learned many of the nuances of abuse (and there's probably even more to learn) and I honestly feel so much less crazy now. I stumbled upon some really good abuse forums and found some trauma therapists who post online who really helped me figure some of this shit out. I think one of the biggest ones for me was the explanation behind why our best efforts are never enough for some people. Why we could try to do EVERYTHING for an individual and try to make ourselves as perfect as possible, and they'll STILL find some reason to put you down and act like you're the one failing the relationship. Turns out, there really are unempathetic, sadistic individuals who like to play games with you and make your life Hell. It's not an accidental thing or anything. And it's not about any of the victim's "personal failings." Some people literally derive joy from psychology torturing others, and it's something I went through MANY TIMES. And now after studying all these dynamics... how the fuck am I supposed to be normal? I mean, no wonder I have some of the mental health symptoms I do. But I still don't understand how people saw this very disordered behavior and... just didn't think anything of it? Because imo, it's pretty clear to me that I don't act normal. And not just because of autism. I show lots of behaviors of a traumatized individual. From acting very distrustful and avoidant of others to having altered states of consciousness that make me somewhat incoherent.

Why are we as a collective allergic to talking about trauma and abuse? To me, it almost feels like we go out of our way to make victims seem crazy or ridiculous. Or even sort of imply that they create these situations themselves and bring out these behaviors in others. I almost wonder if it's sort of by design. Yes, some people probably want to keep living in their comfortable bubble and not acknowledge abuse because it would shatter their world view/make them realize they have some unhealthy relationships themselves. I also think some people see these shitty behaviors in themselves. KNOW they are the ones causing problems for others. And don't want people catching onto that. So they blame shift onto the victim.

And ofc, I also hear no end to how I'm so disordered when it IS acknowledged. No end of, "You're not ready for a relationship yet." or "You really need to work on yourself more." If I have ANY symptoms. It's like... yeah, I am working on myself. But trauma is for life and I'm also mentally disabled. It feels like people are, again, putting all this on ME. I couldn't tell you how many times people acted like I was a moral failure for showing any symptoms of autism or trauma. It feels like I'm allowed to have these conditions but... not have any of the symptoms? Even though I 100% believe a healthy relationship with these two conditions is doable (after all, I have managed to have long term friendships without any issues). Why should I keep having to isolate myself until I'm completely cured, when that's not even possible? Sure, I have attachment issues, and it probably is a good thing that I spent time alone reflecting on all this, but being alone ALL THE TIME, even if it feels "safe" isn't exactly healthy. At this point, I've isolated for a year after breaking up with my ex and I do actually feel like I'm ready to talk to people again. And I am aware that it will come with challenges. But think of it this way: how am I ever going to overcome my anxieties around other people unless I see for myself that some people can, in fact, be safe? How will I ever learn to figure out the good individuals from the bad if I don't learn how to talk to people? Or is telling me to "work on myself more" just a nice way of telling me you don't care to talk to me?

[selormohene]

day 14 (monday, july 17th 2023)

On developing agency. I’m not sure why this is something I feel like I’ve had so much trouble with. I think that there may have been physiological causes to a lot of it (i.e. getting severely depressed and having sleep issues in college and so on and so forth), combined with not feeling integrated enough into my social world and for whatever reason feeling like things weren’t open to me in college in the way that they were in high school. The whole comp process I think turned me off a lot of things, as did the general personalities of the people I encountered. I don’t know how long I’m going to feel like this or what I’m going to do about it, especially because now I feel like even the adjacent possible social worlds in which I find myself embedded — the general kinds of people of whom my immediate acquaintances form a cross-section, or the friends of acquaintances who are most likely to become part of my subsequent groups of friends — aren’t too different from the sorts of milieux which I’ve found so ill-fitting all this while. I feel like if I were better integrated into my life, in a way that’s hard to characterise precisely, but which, for instance, I feel like my life in high school exemplified rather well, the sort of agency which I want to have more of would just come along naturally.

One thing I’m learning is that even though many mental blocks may well stem from deep Freudian unconscious reasons, a lot of them really just manifest a preference for stasis, and from the inside it can be hard to know which is which. This is especially true when it comes to wanting to do certain things or to change certain things about your life — to dress better, to get better at socialising, to pick up a new hobby, etc. Of course, there may be an unconscious ego-related dimension to these things — feeling attached to the kind of person one currently is, or not wanting to be the kind of person who undertakes certain measures to become a different kind of person, or whatever. Some of it may simply be avoidance of mustering the activation energy required to make certain sorts of changes to one’s life. But as is the case with all sorts of activation energy-related issues, once you start it’s almost always not too difficult to keep going, and sometimes it takes an external shock to get you into a new mode of being. 

Anyway, this summer has constituted some version of that shock, especially when it comes to spending money in general, and in particular on the sorts of things that would attend my becoming the sort of person I want to become. I feel like I’ve long had an ascetic or frugal streak and although part of it might find expression in all sorts of language or ideology around virtue a lot of it has to do with having had those habits inculcated in me, not feeling like it was worth my spending a certain amount on myself, wanting to hold on to whatever money I had, or whatever. (Which is weird because there certainly are things I will spend money on almost without a second thought. Concerts, for instance. So perhaps the distribution of things I’ll spend money on does have various psychological components to it, who knows.) This is partly due to having had obligations to spend more money than I usually would, and partly realising that people have done the same for me in the past and really the point of money is to be spent, etc., and partly seeing examples of people whose spending habits are more fully integrated with their vision of the good life, in particular whose fashion choices serve as a reminder that “wait a minute, you can literally dress like this and it won’t cost all that much, certainly no more than the money you’d otherwise spend on stuff that you wouldn’t feel as nice in, and you probably won’t look ridiculous or like you’re trying too hard, and if you do you can just take it slowly and it’s not a big deal.” I feel this way about things like travel as well — there are a lot of places I could probably just compile documents and apply for visas to visit. One or two plane tickets a year really won’t kill me. (My spending habits are integrated with my vision of the good life only in a fragmentary way, but I’m trying to make that integration more total by being willing to spend more on things that I’d like to have in my life, and being more intentional about cutting out things I don’t really need, and investing more in long-term things, and so on. But I think this would partly require also investing the required amount of time and effort in things that are important to me, which would justify my spending money on them. So studying math in a concentrated manner has made quite a difference in this regard as well.)

Weirdly enough, writing this entire post going on about how I need to spend more money has made me feel rather uncomfortable in a way I didn’t think it would. I also do want to make a higher income so that much of this wouldn’t be a problem, but I also feel an obligation to give away much more of my money than I currently do. For whatever reason my feelings around giving people money, especially when they ask for it, are also kidn of screwed up, partly (I’m sure) due to the feeling of infringement on my autonomy, or lack of reciprocity or gratitude, or just the transactional feeling of having money spent on me, and so on. But it’s good to know that these things are in there and to externalise them to some extent. Perhaps, after having attempted to make them explicit, and after having externalised them (and the two are different, because the process of working through is different from the work that is then achieved), I can get some good sleep and my unconscious mind can do what it does.

I’m not sure whether the increased clarity and relative lack of neurosis I’ve been feeling lately has a direct causal antecedent in this whole diary thing. I feel like it does, but I also feel like it might just have to do primarily with a culmination of having taken steps to fix various health issues I’ve been experiencing for a long time. Perhaps it’s just a combination of everything coming together in the right time. Either way, I’m happy about it. I just hope it continues.