#sometimes i convince myself this was the right choice but i can only cope so long bc i hated working and i hate this program

[backformores]

[vent tp pls ignore my insanity.]

[hartleysbaldursgateblog]

I love Astarion because he's an imperfect victim, he's someone who believes being hurt justifies hurting others but most of all I love his spawn ending and hate all the ascended Astarion takes about how the spawn ending is taking him away from what he really wants and needs just frustrates me so much.

As a trauma survivor myself and someone who has been surrounded by people with unhealthy coping mechanisms for most of his life, I love the spawn ending because it is, to me, the crux of what it means to start to heal. Sometimes the process of healing hurts too, and it can hurt a lot. And Astarion's story puts you in a position as a player that I've seen a lot myself- where someone you care about and who has been deeply hurt is so fixated on a truly destructive thing because they are genuinely convinced it's what will help them. Saying "no" and talking down someone who is struggling that much is an immensely hard thing to do as someone who has been on both ends of that equation. To let Astarion ascend is to enable him, to tell him he's right to be afraid of the world and that power is what he needs to feel safe. And it can be so, so hard, because when you're in Tav's shoes, it's hard to deny a person who is in so much pain something they are so thoroughly convinced will make them safe. But Astarion only really sees things as people with power and people without, that's what all his time with Cazador had taught him.

I remember seeing a post saying spawn Astarion's ending is "coddling" and "babying" him but it's really the opposite. Ascension is enabling him, not standing up to him and letting him buy into his tunnel-vision fixation about the ritual. Keeping him a spawn is the harder choice and requires more work to convince him, but speaking as someone with some unhealthy coping mechanisms myself and my family members in the same spot, you can't coddle someone engaging in destructive behavior if you ever want them to improve. Astarion is genuinely convinced that the ritual is going to make him safe, and one of the hardest things in the world is trying to push against and deny the requests of someone who is suffering. But myself, if I wasn't talked down from certain things or pathways no matter what I thought I wanted, I wouldn't be here and who I am today. Spawn Astarion is the harder road to travel but it's what Astarion needs to heal. Key example being if you bring up Cazador when he ascends, he lashes out and tells you to never mention him. He has all the power he wants, but he is still afraid, it didn't solve anything for him and he's just going to keep chasing more. Whereas spawn Astarion is willing to talk about Cazador and what happened. Because sometimes as a person with trauma you really do get fixated on something ultimately unhealthy for you and you might not like that truth, but the best people in your lives will be the ones who stand up to that fixation because they care and pull you away from it.

Spawn Astarion's ending is such a beautiful tale of healing, and I adore how it doesn't omit any of the ugly parts, either... because when it comes to healing, there really are a lot of ugly parts.

This was brought on by seeing a lot of people complaining about Ascended Astarion's kisses in patch 6 and how Tav looks scared. I mean, yeah, that's what an abusive relationship looks like... that's what the ascended ending is. It's not supposed to be good. You made your bed, now sleep in it.

[owlhousetheories]

The Owl House is over and I'm not coping (minor spoilers for finale)

One of the biggest reasons I love this show is how well the writing is. Morals and messages come through without being preachy or obvious - like other kids shows can be. I've never seen a show wherein they show the difference between "I did something wrong, but I did it for the right reasons" and "I did something wrong, but I refuse to admit it I did it, because I'm right."

As early as season two, Luz is so worried that she's caused all the events leading up to the current plot - Belos' rise to power, forced covens, death or imprisonment of wild witches. All because she wanted to help the nice human she had befriended, who immediately betrayed her.  She carries that guilt believing that if she’d never given him that light glyph, his plans would never have happened. No matter what other people tell her, she shoulders all the blame, convinced that her and Belos are one and the same. She even says as much in “Watching and Dreaming” when talking to the Titan.

Luz: Well, Belos says he's trying to save humanity. And we are saying we want to save our families. So, isn't that the same thing? Don't—Don't these feelings come from the same place?

She isn’t aware that by questioning whether she’s done the right thing – whether her goal is more noble than Belos’ – proves that she’s nothing like him. And it’s so refreshing to have a protagonist in a show make a bad decision but make it for the right reason. This idea that the hero can’t screw up, and if they do, it’s purely for selfish or stupid reasons that they must learn from.

Because the reality is that everyone has this capability. Sometimes you’ll make a decision or a choice in life with the best intentions, and it blows up in your face. Does it make you a bad person? Are you doomed to a life of failure because of it? No. Because, just like Luz, you did it for the right reason and you can work to fix your mistakes. And as she learns from the Titan, she’s far from the first person to make that mistake.

Compare her to Belos. Belos shrouds everything he does in the guise of “protecting humanity.”  He came to the Boiling Isles to save his human brother. He wanted to kill Evelyn because she corrupted said brother. He killed his brother to save him. He offered to take Luz with him through his portal to save her. He even uses this mentality while pretending to be the benevolent leader of the Isle. He created covens to protect the people of the Boiling Isles. He persecuted wild witches to ensure they wouldn’t harm the people. I could go on. The point is, for him, he is always in the right - even with actions that directly go against his beliefs. I could understand killing witches wouldn’t conflict with puritan beliefs, but killing your own brother? Practicing magic? Talking to/making a deal with a false god (the Collector)?

Nothing is ever on him – I killed Caleb because he was corrupted, I mutilated myself in order to destroy the witches from the inside, I tricked the Collector in order to accomplish my magic genocide. It doesn’t matter how evil or conflicting the action is, Belos does it because in the end he believes he’s in the right. Nothing demonstrates this more than his actions in season 3. Even while in the human realm – the goal we’ve been led to believe is his end goal – he still feels the need to go back and complete the genocide. Because if he doesn’t, then he was wrong about the witches. He was wrong about everything. The man is a pile of corruption barely hanging on to life, only able to actively control anything so long as he has a host, and he still is convinced that it’s the witches’ fault he's like this. He still has this need to be right.

Titan: You assume Belos's goal comes from a genuine place. But that man doesn't care about about anything but his need to be the hero in his own delusion

And to be honest, his actions mimic those of actual bigots and abusers. The unending need to be right, to be the victor. Using a scapegoat – I’m doing this for humanity/the children/families/government – to justify violence and hatred. Refusing to back down; even when presented with evidence that they're wrong. And above all, the reveal that if you peel back their “justification” all you’d actually find is a hateful person lashing out because they can’t control the narrative and people are doing things they personally don’t approve of.

Keeping in mind, these two perspectives and the thematic importance in both aren’t overtly shown. It’s subtle, but shown just enough to get the message. In short, the writers of Owl House are thematic geniuses and I’m never going to emotionally recover from this show.

(Also screw Disney because this could’ve been explored so much deeper if we’d had more time).

[f-yeah-no-evil]

5 years later

Give or take.

This is not a return to this blog. I will never be active on this blog again, this blog is dead and only exists as an archive. I will not respond to messages about No Evil.

That said, I wanted to clear the air about some things. If anyone’s still following me, or remembers me, hi there! I’m alive and well. I’m studying to become an opera singer, I’m learning to play guitar, and I have two girlfriends I love a lot. If that’s all you want to know, you can stop reading now. If you remember several years ago when I was acting... oddly, to put charitably, and cruelly to put brutally, and wondering what’s up with that, I’d like to put the record straight and take the chance to own up for my mistakes. Really, I just want to tell the truth behind this blog.

Because there’s a lot to unpack.

First, me. The basics: At 11 or 12 I, a child in the united states and avid Heather Dale fan, found Betsy Lee’s animation of Mordred’s Lullaby. That, in turn introduced me to No Evil, and as you can probably guess, I loved it. It stayed with me all the way to moving to East Africa at 13, where things came to a head.

It was a big adventure! I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. It was, however harrowing; I was sick all the time. Most of my time in Kenya - for about a year - was spent in and out of hospitals and emergency clinics. I had no friends or kids to play with. I could only leave the house on mondays and what was it, wednesdays? because it wasn’t safe outside. I couldn’t go to school because there were no schools the accommodated mzungu (white people). I was extremely, extremely isolated for over a year.

And when I say isolated, I don’t mean I was bullied. I mean I was getting an hour of social interaction every three days.

We’re not done yet. I have adhd and have been taking medicine for it since I was 7. What I didn’t know was that I was reacting badly - really badly - to the medicine, and I had no idea it wasn’t normal, because how I felt was normal to me most of my conscious life. I didn’t figure it out until I was 18 and tried changing dosages.

My preferred dosage of my adhd medication? 10mg. The dosage I was at throughout my childhood? 60mg.

I was about six times overdosed on stimulants than I could handle, isolated, and usually vomiting my guts up.

Physically, mentally - in every way possible, I was sick.

(When I moved to Uganda, things got better socially, but I was still overdosed and constantly ill.)

It would be safe to say I was manic most of the time.  I turned obsessive. There were days on end where I didn’t really sleep, but worse were the days where I didn’t quite wake up. I hallucinated. A shadow hand that looked like a spider seeped out of the ceiling and skittered away. Sometimes I saw shadows in the hall that looked like my mother. Sometimes, I would pass out in my own vomit. I would lie on floors naked because even my clothes hurt me. Once I couldn’t stop screaming from the pain, and my mother told me to be quieter. Why would she do that to me? Why would anyone say that to their child?

(To this day I don’t know.)

No one could help me. I seriously considered checking into a ward, but I was a) in east africa; those places didn’t exist, b) if they did, I would certainly be abused if not killed, and c) I would be separated from my family and sent back to America. It wasn’t a choice at all. So I stayed, and I hid, and I coped the best way I knew how.

That brings us to this blog. I turned obsessed. I forgot obvious details, I harassed people for shit I just made up. I was well and truly not in my right mind, and desperately trying to hide it and trying to beat down the part of me that was sick. I even tried to convince myself I was doing better because I was “suicidal in a different way than before.” I embarrassed myself by saying I was acting strangely because of previous trauma, when really I was going through trauma THEN but wasn’t able to access my situation.

I don’t remember who I harassed, but I’d like to take a minute to say: I’m well and truly sorry for that. Please forgive me. I did only as I knew.

However, I am still deeply grateful to 3 people in particular, who stuck by me even when I was at my absolute worst, and I’d like to thank them. DrAwesomeSauce, Charles’ VA; Loron, the person who did the German subtitles; and someone I called Violet, who I may not have actually liked, sadly. Obsession and desperation clouded any honest opinion I may have had for her. I needed social contact. She’s a good person and I hope she has better than I could ever give her. I know for sure I felt fondly about the other two, who did so much to support me and keep me stable to the best of their ability, all the way on opposite sides of the world.

Even Betsy’s own kindness toward me is one I appreciate; she didn’t have to treat a crazy girl with so much gentleness while dealing with the same stalker I had.*

*said stalker went back on his schizophrenia meds and apologized to me years later. I wouldn’t call it a happy ending, but erased an ache.

And I’d like to sincerely thank those people. If you are all somehow reading this, I may not have made it out alive without you.

I’ve thought about it, but it’s so wrapped up in my pain I can’t come home to No Evil - and I’m deeply, deeply sorry I have to say that. I heard the ‘soft child’ soundtrack once and I was on edge and unreal for days. It’s something I can avoid easily enough that I don’t want to do the work of unpacking it all; every time, I’m 14 years old again and covered in my own vomit. I won’t be able to come back unless I get a fresh start without all that baggage, with the people who made it and with my own memory. I know I’m forgiven, mostly. But it’s not really about forgiveness.

 Thank you, to Betsy Lee, for her art, that kept me alive for long enough to get out. Thank you to the people who loved me even when I was at my worst in every way. I will be grateful for the rest of my life to people who will never get the payoff of seeing me do well in life. I’ll spend the rest of mine paying it forward. I love you; I’m not coming back.

See you in a better storyline, folks.

[funkymbtifiction]

Enneagram Centers

Sometimes if you're not sure of your core type, you need to consider the "centers" in order to figure out where your focus lies. (And... don't allow yourself to tritype yourself until you're 100% positive of your core. It will explain most of your behavior and coping mechanisms, so tritype isn't an excuse to mistype.)

Centers... there are three. Each one makes decisions differently and focuses on different things. Sometimes you can narrow down your type to the center, and from there, decide which of the three fits you best.

Centers: heart, head, gut.

They are exactly the way they sound.

Heart types make decisions from an emotional place, because their focus is on earning love. How are you seeing me? What image am I presenting to you? What do I want you to see? They are all about a conscious crafting of "self" in comparison to others. Others can see them as emotional, as needing approval, or as making decisions based on what others think of them. It's an image center. How do I feel about this? What does it lead me to do? (2 - find love, earn love. 3 - impress to earn approval. 4 - too broken for love, separate, must show my uniqueness to get love.)

Head types make decisions from a rational place, because their focus is on being secure. They think, think, think. Over-think. Analyze. Observe. Gotta think about that. Need time to mull it over. Their energy is all in their head. Nervous energy. Active energy. Thoughts. What I think, not what I feel. Buzzing. Busy mind. Converting everything to thinking about it. Distrusts their emotions. Emotions lead you wrong. Must be rational! (5 - detach, observe, don't participate. 6 - too many thoughts, unsure, find something to trust, hold onto it. 7 - stay busy to avoid anxiety, lots of thoughts, run with them all, don't want to feel stuck.)

Gut types make decisions from an instinctual place, through body energy. How things "hit" me. What I "sense" is right. How the world slams up against me, and the barriers I build against it. Putting up boundaries to protect myself. Are these boundaries stable? Knowing what to do. Or not knowing. I just know. It's an obvious choice. This is where I'm being lead. (1 - set firm boundaries, I know what's right and wrong. 8 - be a wall others slam into, expand to maintain control, things anger me and make me push back. 9 - the world seems to be taking me over, it's easy just to go along with it, pretend to agree and then do my own thing, avoid conflict.)

Another thing, which goes for mistyping in MBTI as well -- lots of people think they are X so they "act like X" -- but acting is pretending; it's not real. A fix or a core or a type is real when there's no acting involved; it's just what you naturally do, the air you breathe. For a 2 fixer, pretending to be separate, and broken, and craft an identity as a 4... that is hard work, tiring. For a 6 to pretend to be a 9, and stay calm, and not be full of thoughts and over-thinking, is impossible. It's draining. People start acting THE BEHAVIOR instead of looking deep into their motivations. "Oh, I will act like a 7!" You can't act like a 7 and be convincing, a 7 generates those behaviors through their thinking process. Identifiable behaviors are the result of mental energy. Heart processes are the result of emotional energy. And gut responses are instinctual, immediate, no thinking necessary, my body is reacting, sometimes before I can even think about it. ("I felt sick through my body before I even knew what was happening...")

Social variants are much the same, in that your dominant trait is where your attention goes immediately when you are asked a question or forced to come up with a conversation on the spot. It's rapid. Your dominant instinct absorbs most of your thoughts and focus and concern, even if you aren't aware of it.

Like the typing video I linked to the other day -- when asked questions, Megan Fox drew attention to sexual topics and encounters, because she views her past in an sx-dom way; she remembers school by the first boy she French kissed. When she wanted to interrupt her interviewer and pull him off a "boring topic," her brain said: admit you have a crush on him in a "there are only three guys I'd do" way. Again, sx. Her photos -- sx displays. Provocative clothing intended to elicit an sx reaction from others.

With variants, give yourself time and space to discover it. Your variant is probably more obvious to other people than yourself, because they see it's where your mind goes. You can't think your way through this, head types ;), you have to get an instinctual sense of things through comparisons. Think about the variants on their own, what they are about, what their focus is on, and then put them into the context of your core type and what that means.

If it's sp, look for sp's in the world around you. What's their focus on? Sp concerns. What does that mean? They focus on... my body, how I feel, what I can do, can my body withstand this? What's this look like? The guy you know who is an exercise master. The person neurotic about their health. The 2 who focuses on "health and home." (What does that look like? Well, he checks my tires, changes the oil, etc, for me without being asked! Mom makes lunches for us all, packs them, has them waiting by the door, and makes sure to take care of us at home!)

Socials? Inspiring others. Being the go-to person. Sharing what they know in a friendly manner. Focus on community, on inspiring, on being socially appropriate, on noticing when others AREN'T playing by the rules. What's that look like in person? The 1 who sets a moral example through their behavior and frowns on misbehavior. The 3 who wants to impress you with their inspirational journey. (Not their stuff, stuff is sp. Admire my new car? Sp 3!) The 5 who loves to share their expertise about ancient Egypt (their one thing). The likable 2 who runs a YouTube channel about "how to..."

Sexuals? Focus on sex. Heat. Attraction. Scent. Impact. Provocation. Am I turning you on or off? I want to find out, that's why I do it. People are either drawn to me or hate me. That's fine. Attracting them all isn't interesting to me. What's that look like in number terms? The sexy 2 who only "helps" their special person. The 6 who is protective of their mate, while also being anxious and suspicious and fearful of being left OR who goes to an extreme to become attractive in an expected way (the hot girl next door, the man who can protect you, the sensitive man, the tough girl). The 9 who molds themselves into another person and disappears into them (Bella).

It's an area of over-focus, neuroticism, a need you have to fill, whereas your second fix isn't that important. It's how you play, dabble, the stakes aren't as high, and your focus doesn't always go there first. I want this, don't always chase it. (Sx? Intense heat comes after social awareness or self-protection. Soc? Socially aware, but being an influencer comes after sx drive or "my health and home." Sp? Survival comes after public influence or awareness or sx pursuits.)

Being "blind" means... I rarely focus on this. It's not on my radar. Sp blind? Safety?? Survival? Eh, it'll all work out fine. :) Sx blind? Throwing myself recklessly after intense attraction, thirst traps, being super provocative, seems tasteless and risky. Soc-blind? Oblivious to how that statement made you feel about me, or judge me, unaware of how I dress or act being inappropriate to a situation.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

fine line - a close reading

gonna cry bc i’m at the end, gonna cry bc it’s fine line.

(x x x)

want to give the same disclaimer as with lights up: this song is so layered, so multi-faceted, that i could never hope to give an exhaustive analysis. due to its vagueness and openness for interpretation, i assume that everyone, just like me, has their own ideas about it and has attached importance to it in ways that no one else’s words can or should alter. this song means the world to me for reasons that aren’t necessarily in this post, and that’s how it is with art that touches us deeply. i’ve tried my best to pull it apart, lay it bare, spread it open, if you will, so it’s almost as free as it can be for you all to form your own opinion on it. in the synthesis i will make my own conclusions, but feel free to ignore that if yours are totally different. i’m just one set of brain and heart taking in fine line and projecting whatever i think is right onto it. alright, let’s go

fine line, track 12

sung in falsetto

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her

Put a price on emotion

pouring emotions into the art you create: how much is genuine / how much do you show - line between being authentic to your audience and giving away too much, wanting to keep things to yourself and not feeling truthful with what you’ve written

exploits of the industry: lay your soul bare - or the exact opposite, some pretend emotion - to score that hit

I'm looking for something to buy

cynical. emotions aren’t genuine, right? where can i go buy some?

～ lights up themes. fake life, industry, being a sell-out

You've got my devotion

But man, I can hate you sometimes

“you” = career, music, Harry Styles™. devoted to the craft, to the job, all the ups and downs of it, despite the hardships it brings 

“man” is deliberate: can be seen as an offhand interjection, like “man, that’s rough”, but nothing is casually placed in this song. “man” is: The Man, the heads in the industry, the people pulling the strings. The man in Harry, the man he’s been in the media all these years, the part he’s played/had to play, the man that’s in him

⟶ “hate you”: hate for industry shit, self-hate created by having to play pretend (～ only angel analysis, the persona of the Bukowski womaniser)

“sometimes” - it’s not fucked up all the time

“you” could also be a lover, but the sudden “hate” there then would be for that person, which is absent in any other song about them, doesn’t make any sense

I don't want to fight you

And I don't want to sleep in the dirt

like there’s a choice to me made, but he doesn’t want to make it: either I fight this “you” or I sleep in the dirt

“you” as the industry: if he doesn’t fight them, he might end up being a beggar, lose all his self-worth bc he gave in to everything they asked/told him to do

“you” as himself: fight your instincts, part of who you are/the persona. if he doesn’t fight to figure himself out, though, he fears he’ll also lose

“sleep in the dirt” as a sense of rejection, as well

We'll get the drinks in

So I'll get to thinking of her

drinks to cope - falling, only angel, from the dining table - or to be braver and confront emotions better - tbsl

who is “we”? who is “her”?

narrative of “you” as “lover” further disproven: if “I” and the lover get together over drinks and “I” starts thinking of “her”?

⟷ “her” could be the lover, but then who is “you”? the industry? some other person, besides that lover, harry is devoted to? multiple lovers, all of a sudden? no.

⟶ “I” and “you” are all harry, that get to thinking of “her” because she is in daydreams with him. the narrative that harry is fighting a part of him, the persona he has (had) to play bc of industry limits, makes most sense. that persona is within him now, and part of his work, but all of him, “we”, is begging to come into the light - of which she is a huge part

We'll be a fine line

balancing act. let everything coexist but pay attention that those lines don’t get crossed the wrong way. what we are, what i am, is a fine line between what makes us go under and what lets us thrive

we will be: determination to fulfil this prophecy, statement of fact “we always will be”

“we’ll be a fine line”: other way of interpreting it is that on both sides of that line is what entails “we”, all that is harry. what merges on that fine line is where it’s just right, when harry is fully himself in every way

“fine line” can also be an echo of criticism, bigotry, in the style of: it’s a fine line between being simply flamboyant and queer, between dressing like that and people thinking you’re a transvestite or summat (cause we wouldn’t want that, now, would we) - “we’ll be a fine line” could be owning all of it. putting himself in the middle of all those messy lines, as someone queer without a category

Test of my patience

patience with himself - kindness to self - took a long time to figure shit out and it was a challenge

waiting for change: industry and its allowances/openness

There's things that we'll never know

my favorite line

“we” = harry / harry and company / us in general, all of us listening 

～ tpwk “i don’t need all the answers”: deep sense of acceptance

peace to be found in accepting this!!

You sunshine, you temptress

“sunshine” - as in all the love songs (blue skies, sunflowers, summer days…): lover - possible that there are multiple “you”s in this song?

sunshine could ofc also be directed at the temptress, still

female “temptress” - “i’ll get to thinking of her” - she - it’s tempting for harry to think of her all the time, to lose himself in the “her” in him

other interpretation for “temptress”: woman he knows with negative influence in his life - resemblance to woman “you flower, you feast”, so echo of Bukowski ～ only angel, kiwi (my sunshine, my love, who is involved with this temptress…)

My hand’s at risk, I fold

⟷ tpwk “dropping into the deep end”

not showing his cards just yet / forfeits

anxious to show all of him, to take the chance, with all the risks and consequences involved

Crisp trepidation

I’ll try to shake this soon

nervousness, anxiety - about (not) taking (enough) chances, (not) laying himself bare (release of the album that reveals much more than before)

“crisp” fresh, this feeling is unfamiliar - change is coming “soon”

sense of agency: I can get rid of this feeling by my own volition and make these changes - hesitant, insecure: “try”

wants to be braver. he’s not going back, but still needs to calmly coax himself further and further into the light, out into the open (“we’ll be alright”)

Spreading you open

Is the only way of knowing you

(can anyone else hear “spread thin” like a whisper under “spreading”? or am i imagining things.)

“you” is back - the only way of knowing “you” is to spread them open - the physical

to spread someone open - very literal, don’t need to paint the picture, or to lay bare, to lay it all out 

⟶ “you” as himself - the only way of knowing who i am is by doing this: writing this album, performing these songs, letting others listen in and form their own interpretations, let this world grow where i’m laid bare and OPEN and exist as this person who has issues, who is angry, who doesn’t know who he is a lot of the time, but is still so happy to be here - let it spread and let it all circle back to me so i can grow deeper into myself

We'll be a fine line

We'll be alright

“we” = h & self, h & lover, h & fans

collectiveness from tpwk

(notes on a piano sounding like drops, like he’s emerged from the water and dripping dry)

SYNTHESIS

Everything about this song is plural. Personal pronouns are all over the place. I, you, her, we. The sound is incredibly layered, with Harry’s own voice echoing through its verses like he’s singing to himself in an empty cave. Meanings can be attached to every word like it’s a wax tablet used too many times. What Harry has said in interviews for once holds pretty true to the actual meaning, in my opinion. 

“It felt like it described to me the process of making it and how the album felt in terms of the different kinds of songs on it.” (Capital FM)

This can mean a lot of things, and I think it means all of the things, of course. It means Fine Line is a summary of all of his emotions he visited on the album, of the things he’s laid bare. And it means that the actual process was also described, as one that can be frustrating and challenging, with added industry shit. 

Harry has expressed straightforward gratefulness to his label for "leaving (him) alone” while making the album and that speaks volumes. This time, he had the chance to make his art without the constant interference of a label, which meant he could weave in criticism as well. “Put a price on emotion” is first and foremost a critique on the industry. It’s the first line of the song, setting the tone for the interpretation of this song is about the risks I took while making this album. It involves criticism on an industry that creates such an atmosphere that only a certain type of music and artist breaks through or can be successful, that limits people in their personal expression. Convinces them that it’s better that way. That it’s better to hide who they love because the general public won’t accept them. That it’s better to create a song about a fake emotion than be honest. Harry loves writing songs and being on stage, but it’s taken a while for him to be fully comfortable there as a solo artist and bloom into the person that could make Fine Line. He loves his career, but it’s also limited his freedom in ways beyond our comprehension, and it’s exploited him to the point where he didn’t know who he was, in ways that have clearly taken a toll on his mental wellbeing. To a point where he finishes this album reassuring himself, most of all, that everything will be alright.

That process of making Fine Line obviously includes Harry confronting emotions he hadn’t before. He has stated that he experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows while making it. There are things he hates, he was fighting but doesn’t want to (anymore), uncertainties he was trying to figure out but had to accept he couldn’t, risks he still doesn’t know he can take without shaking. At the centre of it all is this sense of “knowing you.” The different personal pronouns in the song paint a fractured picture, which is ultimately deliberate. That the “you” Harry is devoted to and can hate sometimes doesn’t line up with “her,” that the end focus does seem to be this “you” that is mentioned in the same breath as “man” and “temptress,” forming the “we” together with “I”. 

After having songs like Lights Up, She, Falling and even TPWK, one of the central themes on the album has undoubtedly been self-discovery, in all its pain and glory. There are no female pronouns on the album besides, obviously, in She, and then here, in Fine Line. She is about a man living with a woman “just in his head”, who “sleeps in his bed while he plays pretend.” It is very clearly a trans narrative, the story of someone struggling to put into words what they’re experiencing in terms of gender. To a point that they fantasise about running away. Fine Line brings the ideas of knowing what it all means, which Lights Up kicks off (“do you know who you are?”), Falling deepens (“what am I now?”) and Treat People With Kindness turns on its head (“I don’t need all the answers”), together. Harry is still doubtful, and the questions asked earlier in the album haven’t disappeared, but he has accepted that “some things we’ll never know.” His aim, however, is still “knowing you.” 

To have Fine Line, as the summary of these emotions of self-growth and self-discovery, echo that one female pronoun, speaks volumes. It is a direct reference to She, to that story about gender. “Her” in this song refers to “she (who) lives in daydreams with (him).” The one who still only fully comes out when they’ve had a drink. The one he’s still working to include in who he is, as he tries to figure out who he is, all of it. The song where he sings in falsetto, just like on Fine Line. Of which he sang the first verse an octave lower live at the forum, switching between those voices, those perspectives. That’s also why “you” in this song is also Harry to me. We get this fractured sense of self, this “I” and “you” conversing over a drink, this “you” Harry is devoted to and wants to figure out. “You” and “I” form “we” and all of them are Harry. The lines are blurry on purpose, there is no way to figure out where “you” ends and “I” begins. 

“You sunshine, you temptress” is the most enigmatic line in that respect, and to me blurs those lines even more between the pronouns. “You” is suddenly also identified by a female noun. And no this isn’t about some kind of love triangle. “Sunshine” aligns with all the odes to his lover in the rest of the album. So what does that mean? That there are multiple “you”s in this song, meaning that Harry is addressing both his lover and a temptress? So “her” he’ll get to thinking of, the only other female pronoun used in the song, is identified as a temptress, but tempting to do what? To take risks? And no I won’t forget the “man, I can hate you sometimes,” where "man” is not a casual interjection but an identifier of “you.” 

Or is it an echo of “the light” from Golden’s “bring me back to the light” and Light’s Up’s “step into the light”? So that the “sunshine” symbolises being in the clear, being out of the darkness running through his heart, the darkness caused by not knowing who you are. “You sunshine,” you beacon of light. “You temptress,” risk-taker and source of anxiety. You, one I need to spread open to figure out, to know about, source of happiness and despair, one I’m devoted to but also hate. You, man, you, temptress. You there, in the mirror looking back at me. 

All of you, and myself included, we’ll be a fine line. And we’ll be alright.

This song is about all of that. The self in art, the self on its own, the other, the journey, the chances, the fears, the passion. Hope. Reassurance. Confidence. And, most importantly, that everything will be alright in the end.

x

read all my lyric analyses here

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (system in progress) + burnt badger secondary (really loud bird model)

Howdy! I’m still trying to figure out my own houses and was wondering if you could provide some insight. I haven’t exactly mastered the system so I don’t know how accurate/inaccurate my claims are, so bear with me.

The “why”/Primary: I am extremely motivated by knowledge. I want to know things, not just out of intrinsic curiosity (though that does play a role), but because knowing why things work helps me protect myself more effectively.

One of the trickiest things about this system is separating motivation from method. Because yeah, they are related, but they're also really different. Like this example: "I protect myself by learning things." That's a how, that's secondary stuff. (Bird secondary of course.)

A recent example is this— a group of my former friends all ditched me because I discussed a heavily stigmatized mental disorder that I show symptoms of. And my first response (other than bawling) was to ask them why. And when I got the answer, I was hurt, but I understood. I don’t say this for you to show me pity, but rather because it illustrates this model in action.

This is a really interesting example. Your friends acted in a way that emotionally hurt you. First you processed your feelings (which you talk about in a dismissive, lighthearted, jokey way) then you asked them for more information... which hurt you, but also made you more secure. This is very Bird primary. You feel feelings, but they're whatever. What actually bothers you is not having the data.

(I suspect you're going to end up being a Double Bird. And Double Birds are unique in that their morality and problem-solving are SO interconnected, that they think I'm crazy for saying that for most people, they are in fact two very different things.)

When I got the why and processed my emotions, I cut off ties and realized that their severe judgy-ness had hindered my life for 2 years. And now that I know the “why”, I won’t bring up said disorder again until I know it’s safe. It might never be, but I still have hope.

You updated your system, and you cut away the parts that aren't serving you anymore. Bird primary.

Morally-speaking, I am very sensitive to the views of others around me.

External primary.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s a detriment.

A lot of Birds feel this way. It's a big part of why they tend to like Lion primaries. Lions are much more able to dismiss things with "sounds like that's a them problem."

I won’t go into details, but my parents are… bad. Not wholly, but they are bad. I’ve tried for years, and still do, to escape their opinions because I know it’ll influence mine.

Parents are sticky. They do that. I've been a happily UnBurnt Lion primary for a while now... but I still sometimes hear that voice in my head that sounds like my mother.

And, much like them, I tend to get over-passionate in what I stand for. Unlike them, I’m willing to change if evidence supports this change. I always, however, carry the burden of my former hatred. I always feel guilt over my old beliefs. Even if I’ve changed, the pain I’ve done can never be reversed. And this guilt eats me alive, this shame of being fundamentally wrong.

Okay. You got really emotional on me really quickly here. This could mean a couple things. Your parents sound like fairly toxic Idealists, either Exploded Lions or Exploded Birds (I'm sort of leaning Lion due to the more emotion-heavy words like "passion" and "hatred.") Birds can feel bad, feel guilt, feel shame when looking back at an older version of themselves that they now consider morally repugnant. (Birds are human.) Idealists struggle with the angst of worrying that they are fundamentally wrong about the world. So you could be a guilty Bird, especially if your emotions feel wrong or unhelpful somehow. But you could also be a very Burnt Lion modeling Bird - because Bird seems safer, and you don't want to be a Lion the way your parents are.

When the friend-event happened, I thought that I was in the wrong, and that I had once again fucked myself over because of my passion and sureness in what I have.

"I thought I was wrong because I was acting like an Exploded Lion primary." Yeah, I'm thinking there's some sort of outside influence here that needs to be unpacked.

It took a lot of convincing and evidence for me to see that they were the assholes (albeit I wasn’t pure either— I was their friend, after all).

I'm definitely leaning Bird for you. A bird surrounded by Lions maybe, who sometimes uses Lion terminology. But Bird.

I am a planner and system-lover at heart. I’m not proud of it, but it’s just part of me.

What's with all this negative language? Being a planner and a system-lover is a wonderful thing to be. There's some Burning here.

The caveat— I have autism, so I’m not sure if it’s due to that or not. Hence the shortness of this section. Take it as you will, regardless of if it’s evidence or not.

I have autism and I'm a Lion Badger. People are different. The only real pattern I've observed is the way nerodivergent people disproportionately build Bird secondaries as coping strategies.

Honesty is maybe not the best policy, it’s still an admirable one. I wish, frankly, that my moral system was more honest. I feel like I have no set morals. That it all comes from elsewhere. Lion primaries have this set, intrinsic morality that I envy. My friend is a lion primary, and while my views have radically changed, hers haven’t inched. She’s always been honest about herself and what she holds true.

I'm doubling down on Bird primary for you. This is the perspective of a Bird looking in on a Lion. Lion morality isn't set or intrinsic - it's built, and it changes, but it builds and changes differently than a Bird's does (more slowly, usually). But there really is a pattern of Birds seeing it as more moral/easier/better.

And I’m still trying to figure out what “truth” means to me. I mean, yes, I’m a dry and blunt asshole, but that’s not really the same as gut morality. Internal honesty is what I want, and external honesty is what I have to some extent.

It sounds that you are going though a lot of very intense shifts in your life right now. You've got a diagnosis that has you questioning your place in the world. You've followed your parent's system all you life, and are now deciding that you don't want that. But now comes deciding what you do want, and that's a lot harder (especially for a Bird, who has to build it from the ground up.) You like the way Lions do things, but Lion primaries do not feel accessible.

I’m very clear with who I like. I can admit their faults, and even get annoyed or angry at them, but not even betrayal can stop me from loving them. I’d compare myself to the Twelfth Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders in that regard.

So maybe you are building a system with very Snake values.

Loyalty is one of my weaknesses. I get overly-attached to people, and so if/when they leave me, it shatters my world. But my brand of loyalty is mostly to people, not philosophical ideas.

... but you're not *really* comfortable with Snake either, if you consider it to be a "weakness."

I would consider myself somewhat philosophical (well, as much as a fucking teenager can be)

Teenagers are *extremely* philosophical, stop being so down on yourself.

but I can be somewhat vague in my beliefs.

Because you're still building them, give yourself a *second.*

If I were to rate the likelihood of what primary I think I am, it’s something like this:

Bird: 9/10 probability (maybe burned)

Snake: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability (maybe burned)

Lion: 2/10 probability

What is it with Birds and numbered lists?

The “how”: I feel like I change in order to fit in. I mean, to some extent, we all do, but it’s far more drastic for me. With the lion primary friend, I act as a “Jason Todd” to their Batman. I challenge them, egg them on, crack jokes and become violently passionate and act like a nerd, and she simply watches, usually adding her own comments but mostly sitting on the sidelines by choice. We also joke that I’m the Ferris Bueller to their Cameron Frye. But, with another friend, I’m a parent figure. I listen most of the time, and sometimes jump in with creative ideas and we talk for hours about it.

I'm guessing Actor Bird, both because you can specifically list out the qualities that you "act" out. And because you're invoking and basing your performance off specific [fictional] characters. Which is a HUGE Actor Bird thing.

I go with the flow of a given situation as best as I can (with the added caveat of being autistic, because that does affect how well I can read a room). However, that’s where the adaptation ends.

Huh. I'm hearing Burnt secondary language here. "I'd like to go with the flow and read the room - but I can't, because I'm autistic." You can definitely *learn* how to read a room. Why do you think I'm so interested in (and good at :) personality systems? This is how I learned to use my Courtier Badger. I used to model Bird secondary like crazy, and I kind of don't bother anymore. I don't need the training wheels.

Planning: like I stated before, I’m a planner. I try to learn the most about a situation before jumping in. Sometimes, however, I stall the inevitable and miss my chance, so I jump in and wind up nearly drowning. And this dichotomy repeats. I overcompensate for a lack of knowledge in a situation by micromanaging, or I wind up sitting bored when I’ve already done everything I need to do. And yes, stress and boredom are equally as destructive for me. I try so hard to plan to avoid both of these outcomes, but it only works half the time. So, I guess I’m a bit of a “planster” overall.

I want to learn about a situation... but sometimes I "stall" or "drown" (Burnt language.) But planning also leads to "micromanaging" and "getting bored" (model language.) I think you've got a really loud Bird secondary model... but there might be something else underneath.

Collecting things is fun. Postcards, candles, lighters, crystals, rocks, 1940s hats, knowledge, stories, music, (original) characters, the list goes on. I’m a collector of whatever I can get my hands on. Hell, by this point, I can’t tell what’s my special interest and what I just enjoy (again, autism).

Oh my goodness gracious 'my special interest' and 'what I enjoy' are not two different categories!

But my systems and collections are my coping.

Figured.

I can’t say, though, that they hold any weight outside of emotional release. There’s nothing practical about knowing how they shot The Outsiders movie, or how crows have a flat tail and ravens have two main sections on theirs. All of this knowledge almost feels useless to me. I mean, sure, I’m great at school, but what else? Nothing, it seems like. And being good at school and nothing else makes a person go crazy when they can’t achieve their academic goals. But that’s a bit besides the point— I’m a collector, but I’m unsure how well this really fits into a secondary beyond a model.

Bird secondary model.

I invest in others more than I care to admit.

Oh man, are you a Badger secondary like me?

I genuinely believe in the goodness in humans, no matter how impossible it becomes. Even those who I don’t see any good in aren’t wholly evil. My perception isn’t law.

^ That's primary stuff. Maybe a more Badger-flavored system is going to work better for you than a Snake-flavored one.

But some people trust me: with their secrets, with homework, with relationship issues, with their religious struggles. And I try to help. I might not be good with it, but I do try to help as best I can.

Kinda sounds like a Badger secondary.

I use my planning and my categorizing skills and my knowledge to benefit others. I show up, I do what I need to do, and I don’t usually expect much to come of it. It’s nice when something does, but it’s not expected. And sometimes, these investments into others' lives and grades and relationships do pay off. I make friends. Those friends stick by me, and I trust them. I continue to invest in others, because I am a lover even though I’m cynical.

I think you're a Badger secondary.

And when that trust is broken, like the example in the beginning, I go to people who won’t abandon me to get a second opinion. When I say that I love someone, I mean it. So it hurts when they leave. It always does.

Oh that's your friends leaving hit you so hard. It's not an abstract morality thing at all, it's practical. You're a Badger secondary, and they were your base of support.

I’ll be frank on this— I’m almost entirely sure that I’m not a lion secondary. I’m fiercely efficient and some people see me as a good leader, but that’s it.

Lion and Badger are the two Inspirational secondaries. They're the one who sort of manage to collect armies or families as a side effect of existing.

Even with the leader example, I prefer interpersonal relations or to be alone. I’m not a big fan of group settings.

That's fair. I am also a Badger who really, really likes my own company. Or small groups of interesting people.

If I were to rate the likelihood of what secondary I am, it’s like this:

Bird: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability

Snake: 5/10 probability

Lion: 0/10 probability

Other systems for comparison: I’m aware that MBTI and enneagram are, at worst, pseudo-science, but I still enjoy them regardless. At best, they’re fun self-help tools, and that’s how I try to use them.

MBTI: INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Enneagram: 5w4, tritype 514

Sagittarius sun libra moon cancer rising in astrology

FLEV or LFEV in attitudinal psyche

sx/sp (sexual and self-preservation) in instinctual variants

MBTI, Enneagram, and astrology are all fun in their own ways. (I don't actually know the last two!) And I can talk about them on their own terms. But this system was the best, and the most useful, when I went looking for words to describe myself.

I hope this is enough information, and thank you again if you do happen to do this! If you don’t, that’s totally okay. Have a good day!

Thank you for writing in. That was a journey! Thanks @thesketchykid for the submission.

[tyb1]

If It’s The Right Thing To Do (2)

Part 2

Series List

Words: 2849

Character: Seth Clearwater

Dialogue prompt: I nearly jumped out of my skin, I turned around to see an angry Sam walking towards me with murder in his eyes. He grabbed me then began to shake me violently. “Why didn’t you tell anyone (Y/N)! I’ve been searching for you all morning!” 

*idk how to feel about this writing* :(

@anndaydreamer​

I awoke to Seth's body pressed against mine. I haven't felt this feeling in a while and yet it was so comforting. As much as I wanted to stay and wake him up with my morning kisses I couldn't. I needed to be home before Sam got up or else we would be in a warzone.

I tried to unwrap Seth's arms from around my waist but he only held on tighter. "Seth wake up! I have to go."

"No, two more minutes I promise."

I rolled over so I could have a better view of his face. He only placed his head on my chest snuggling deeper into the blankets. These were the moments I missed the most. The days where Seth would stay over while Sam was on patrol and him leaving early in the morning so Sam wouldn't catch him. I'd laugh every time he got caught and Sam would always have to give us "the talk" which made me laugh even harder.

"I miss these moments (Y/N). Sometimes I wish things could go back to normal."

"Me too Seth but now we have to keep our distance for our own safety."

Seth groaned, "I can't keep my distance from you."

"I know it's hard but we have to for now."

Seth lifted his head giving me a long passionate kiss. It was one of those kisses where you got lightheaded and it felt like you were in a trance. "I love you (Y/N)."

"I love you too."

Those were the last words I had said to him before I left. He watched me get dressed and walked me out to the front door. Seth even volunteered to take me out to breakfast but I had to decline for my own sake.

I sat in my car for a few moments before I made my way into the house. The house was spotless; there was so much sign of rage from Sam. Everything was in order from the kitchen all the way to the living room. I found this weird because if the guys were over the whole house would smell like muffins and chicken. It was so strange it almost gave me chills to be in here.

"Where were you last night (Y/N)!"

I nearly jumped out of my skin, I turned around to see an angry Sam walking towards me with murder in his eyes. He grabbed me then began to shake me violently. "Why didn't you tell anyone (Y/N)! I've been searching for you all morning!"

"I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't have allowed me to see him!"

Sam scoffed, he still had his firm grip on my arms. I glanced behind him to see Quil and Embry with guilty expressions on their faces. It had finally clicked in my head. Both of them had told Sam where I went off before the sun arose. They knew that I was going to see the Cullens. They just waited it out so they could tell Sam that I was with Seth.

I somehow managed to get out of Sam's grip. I walked up to them violently pointing my finger in their face. "You guys really stabbed me in the back like that!? I would jump in front of a bullet for you and yet you still snitched!"

Embry dropped his head lower and began to kick the pebbles on the ground. I could tell from his gestures that he didn't want any parts in the whole situation. Paul walked into the living room with a smug grin on his face"You're the one who went to sleep with the traitors so who really stabbed who in the back?"

I shot a nasty glare at Paul, I wanted to rip the ugly grin from his face. "Go to hell Paul."

Sam grabbed me again pulling me into the house. He sat me on the couch while he began to pace and forth. I watched as he muttered curse words from his mouth, all I wanted was for Emily to show up and get me out of this mess.

"So...you went to the Cullens just to sleep with Seth?" He leaned against the wall while crossing his legs and arms he reminded me so much of a Dad. I always felt like that was his problem, Sam was always too busy trying to be my dad that he forgets how to act like an older brother.

"No Sam! Jake called me and told me that Seth got hurt so I went over there because of how they screamed on the phone. I thought he was dead!"

"Why would you go over there (Y/N)! You could have been labeled as one of them. I had to convince everyone that you weren't anywhere near them. I tried to tell them that you were at a friend's house but no, you were at the Cullens!"

"For a good reason Sam."

"Just like Jacob, Leah, and Seth! They claim that they're over there for good reasons."

I jumped from my seat but quickly sat back down when the vein in his head began to protrude. I sat there quietly. He was speaking the truth and that was a tough pill to swallow. I snuck out of the house without informing him of my whereabouts. I also went over to the Cullens when he specifically told me not to. Sam had every right to be mad and worried about me.

"I'm sorry."

"You have two choices, you can either obey my rules and respect me or pack your bags and be with the Cullens." He left without saying another word, no eye contact or remorse. Emily appeared from the kitchen whispering "I'm sorry."

Once she left I threw my head into a pillow then screamed. Not once but twice, it seemed like nothing in my life was going accordingly to plan. I heard footsteps enter the room, without looking up I had already known who it was.

"Was the sex even good?"

"Paul go to hell with gasoline underwear!"

I brushed past him making sure that I made contact with his shoulder. I walked upstairs towards my room. I fell on my bed screaming into my pillow. "You have two choices, you can either obey my rules and respect me or pack your bags and be with the Cullens" those words kept ringing throughout my head. I loved Seth. He was my whole world but the pack is my family. You never turn back on your family. Sam taught me that at a young age ever since dad turned his back on us. I had to force myself to go to sleep. I didn't want to hear Sams's wrath anymore. It seemed like nowadays I had to force myself to go to sleep to cope with the pain.

I awoke to someone shoving me against my headboard. I opened my eyes to see Emily standing above me with a phone in her hand. "Is it Santa Claus?"

Emily laughed, "No it's someone by the name of Marie. They said you told them to call."

I gave her a questioning look while taking the phone from her head. The numbers that appeared on the phone nearly made me choke on my saliva. It was the same number that was used to call about Seth. I quickly ushered Emily out of the room so I could confidently speak to "Marie"

"Are you freaking crazy Seth? Are you trying to get me on Sam's bad side again?" I placed my back against the floor before I slid down to the bottom. I could hear him laughing from the other side.

"I swear I'm not but I really want to see you. I really miss you (Y/N)."

My heart began to flutter. I got those butterflies again, I've always hated those things they constantly made me act out of character. "I miss you too Seth but I can't risk it again. Sam would have both of our heads."

"Meet me at LaPush beach. I'm on my way right now."

"What!? Seth, I can't!"

"I'll see you there. I can't wait, I feel like Romeo and you're Juliet."

"You know they both die at the end right?"

"Huh, I forgot about that. Well, we're more like beauty and the beast except for you're the beast, and I'm the beauty."

I started to laugh, it was an actual genuine laugh. I haven't laughed like that since we were all together. I hated the fact that our family was so torn apart. I threw my head on the wall trying to stop myself from crying. I couldn't bring myself to speak another word, if I did I knew I'd end up crying on the phone like I did every night since he left.

"(Y/N)? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'll meet you there in 10 minutes." I stood up from the floor while hanging up the phone. The door of my room flew open causing me to nearly crack my head open on my desk. I turned ready to fight the person behind the door only to see Emily standing there.

"Were you listening to my conversation?"

"Yes, but I want to help you. (Y/N) I know how you're feeling right now. Your brother is so invested in the treaty and keeping them away that he hasn't taken your feelings into consideration."

I looked up Emily, at first I didn't want to believe it. She'd always picked Sam's side when we argued not once had she taken my side. I was always close to Leah, I hate to admit it but she was more of an older sister than Sam was an older brother. Now Emily wanted to take over which is completely fine but I look at her more as a mother figure than a sister.

"How can I trust you? You're probably like the rest of them."

"When you guys were arguing today I could tell he was really stressed so I offered him a stress reliever." She began to wink at me. I almost threw up the bile that was in my stomach. As much as I didn't want to believe it Emily actually had my back. He'd be too busy with Emily to think about me.

"You're literally the best!" I wrapped my arms around her giving her a big hug.

"If you want to meet Seth you better go now."

I nodded my head then opened my window. I jumped into the tree then quickly made my way down. There was no way anyone would spot me. Collin and Brady were on watch for the night so that meant I could get away with this. I went to my car cranking it once again. This could be really good or really horrible.

The drive to LaPush was very frightening. I kept looking in the woods to see if someone was watching me. I put all of my faith in Emily, she needed to play her part well in order for the plan to work out smoothly. I couldn't afford to be on Sam's bad side again.

I parked near the trees so no one could notice. In Lapush everyone knew everyone so I had to make sure I kept my guard up. I walked onto the beach looking around for Seth but he was nowhere to be found. "Clearwater," I said in a whispered yell.

"(Y/N) I'm right here!"

I turned to see him standing near the edge of the woods. I ran towards him jumping into his muscular arms. My nose immediately engulfed his hazelnut scent. "I missed you."

"You saw me this morning silly." He wrapped his arms around me making sure to support me as we held one another. There was a comfortable silence between us. Neither of us dared to speak another word.

I playfully smacked him against the head. "That's for calling me a beast earlier."

"Ouch (Y/N), You can't get mad because I'm the beauty and the brains of the relationship." He engulfed me in another hug. I began to squirm when he placed kisses on my cheek.

"Seth stop now your saliva is on my cheek." We both laughed at our antics.

"What a cute reunion!" I shot my head up from Seth's neck to see Paul standing near a tree clapping his hands. Embry, Quil, and Jared soon appeared behind him. They gave Seth a disgusting look as if he just murdered someone.

"This isn't your territory anymore Clearwater," Paul said, he stopped with his childish antics and now was serious. He started to walk closer to us slowly sizing Seth up.

Seth placed me behind him taking guard. 'How did you find us?"

Jared laughed, "Your scent couldn't get past me. We thought it was one of those bloodsuckers on our territory. Luckily it was only you and (Y/N)."

I stepped in front of Seth glaring at them. I had never back down to them and today would not be the first. "Just leave us alone. You guys are always ruining something."

Jared and Paul ignored me, their only focus was Seth. "You know what we do to traitors right? We rip them into shreds, ask the Cullens, one inch away from being one with the ground."

Seth scoffed, "You don't scare me, Paul."

The tension in the air grew, I knew deep down that there wasn't going to be a good outcome. Someone was going to get hurt tonight and it wasn't Paul or Jared. Seth had a target on his head and Paul being the hot head that he was wanted to take that target down.

"Mommy isn't here to stop me now Seth." Paul walked even closer to us.

"Paul we should just scare them. Now let's not take things to the extreme." Jared tried to stop him but at the same time, he didn't want to be caught in Paul's wrath.

"Jared, he's a threat to us now, he could go back and tell those bloodsuckers everything." Paul pulled me to the side out of his way then pushed Seth roughly, "Now do something Clearwater."

He winced, that was a red flag in my eyes. Seth still wasn't healed from yesterday, he was still sore. Seth wasn't here to fight he wasn't a fighter he was a lover and yet Paul was still here nagging him.

"Come on Paul just leave us alone. He'll leave!" I jumped in front of Seth once more so Paul wouldn't push him again. This time he pushed me hard into a tree. It knocked the breath out of me, I fell to my knees gasping for air. Seth caught me in time before my head hit the ground.

"(Y/N)! Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine" I actually wasn't fine. My back was killing me. I didn't want to say anything to trigger Seth into phasing. If he phased right now he could pose a threat and that could give Paul the green light to kill him.

"You're not fine. There's blood on my hands and it isn't mine." I reached back to my back and there was a minor cut which caused a lot of blood. Seth glared at Paul, his body began to shake violently. I reached up to caress his cheek. I even tried to turn his head in my direction so he could look into my eyes.

"Seth calm down it's okay I swear." Before I could stop him he phased in front of me and so did Paul. I always hated when Seth would phase. He wasn't a person to just get angry out of the blue, you had to push him there and that's exactly what Paul did.

Jared held up his fist motioning for no one to interfere. Paul and Seth's life was on the line and they weren't doing anything about it. They were trying to rip one another's head off. There was a difference between when they'd fight on the reserve and right now.

"Are you guys crazy!? You're just going to let them fight to the death!?"

"Go stop them (Y/N)."

It was already too late; they were too deep into the woods. There was only one way to stop them and I knew this person would have my ass. I ran from the woods to my car, I needed to get to Sam before one of them got hurt. I sped down the road back to the house as fast as my car could take me. My back was aching and my head was throbbing from the impact. The reserve wasn't that far all I needed to do was make it back home without killing myself.

I jumped out of my car as fast as I could. I left the car running not bothering to cut it off. The front door was locked so I had to make my way to the back. I ran to Sam's door and tried to open it. It was locked so I started to bang on it.

"Sam! He's going to kill him! Please Sam he's going to fucking kill him." I began to sob everything started to hit me at once. I started to punch, kick, and even scream at the door anything to get Sam's attention.

[inkandpen22]

Young Hearts Divided (11/?)

Pairing: Sirius Black x Female!Reader/ James Potter x Female!Reader

Warnings: grief, mild arguing, fluff 

Word Count: 1.9k

Part Summary: While Y/N is struggling to cope with the news of her brother, Sirius is lost as to how to help

Masterlist

Sirius

I hear the others approaching to join Remus and I by the Black Lake. Y/N hasn’t moved from that spot under the young oak for sometime now. I was worried before she sat down, now I’m afraid. I’ve never seen Y/N this way. Usually she never stops talking- and I love that about her- but she hasn’t said a word in hours. I feel terrible because there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve never felt so helpless. Even when I’m home with my parents I can control the situation to an extent, but not here, not now. 

Out of the corner of my eye, Lily settles down beside me. Then, there’s a pat on my shoulder, then a comforting grip. James. 

“How long has she been like that?” Lily glances between me and Remus. 

All I can seem to do is watch Y/N, make sure she’s alright. For some reason, I’m afraid she may disappear. If I glance away, even for a moment, she’ll be gone. 

“A while,” Remus mutters with a rare gloominess in his tone. 

“How long is a while?” James inquires. 

“Hours,” Remus shrugs, sounding uncertain of the the exact time. 

“All day,” I correct sharply, finally breaking my silence. 

They must know the severity of this. They need to understand how much this is affecting Y/N. 

Lily shifts closer to me, eager to learn more. “Has she eaten anything? Had a sip of something?” 

“No.” My answer is plain, short, and to the point, exactly how we should be acting in order to fix her. 

Lily sighs, Well we should-” 

“What do you suggest Lily?!” I snap, finally looking away from Y/N to address her. “If you have any bright ideas by all means share it with the rest of the class! We’ve tried everything and no matter what we do nothing works!” 

Lily cowers, struck hard by my uncharacteristically harsh remarks. 

“Sirius...” James states my name disapprovingly yet calmly with understanding as a best friend should. 

He is right though... I shouldn’t have snapped. None of this is Lily’s fault, nothing is ever really Lily’s fault. 

“Alright, I’m sorry!” I rush out. “I just... I don’t know how to help her! I don’t know how and... and she...” 

I find myself struggling to find the right words. I want to help Y/N, but I don’t know how. 

“It’ll be alright,” Lily assures, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

She offers me a kind smile, one I’m all too familiar with. How can she say that when there’s nothing we can do? 

“Are you sure of that? Really?” I question baffled. “Because I have no clue how this will turn out. I don’t know how she’ll recover from this. If what McGonagall said is true, Y/N and her family, they... What would you do Lil? How would you feel if you found out your parents or sister have betrayed you?” 

“None of us understand like you do, Sirius,” she points out a reality I hadn’t considered. 

“Me?” I frown in confusion. 

“Your family, Narcissa, Belatrix, your parents, Regulus,” Lily begins to explain. “They may not be Death Eaters, but they see sense in You-Know-Who, right? You understand Y/N’s situation better than anyone. You don’t know what to do? All you can do is be there for her. Talk to her. When you have nothing say, simply sit with her. All you can do is be present, care, and listen when given the chance.” 

“She’s right,” James adds in agreement. 

“Sometimes the best you can do is be there,” Remus determines. 

I take a moment, processing what my friends have advised me to do. Despite their wisdom, I’m still hesitant. They carry a lot of faith in me. Lily is right, my cousins, brother, entire family haven’t exactly be withholding of their true feelings when it comes to Muggles. In fact, they might as well just declare themselves Death Eaters in order to cease the confusion. Everybody already accuses them of being ones. 

Taking a deep breath, I rise from my position on the grass and brush down my uniform. Y/N remains still, watching the ripples of the lake as she has all day. I wonder what’s going through her mind. Oh what I would give to hear her speak to me. It could be about anything, something as small as a homework assignment. I just want to hear her voice. 

Cautiously, I begin to approach her at a steady pace. I don’t wish to frighten her, but I also don’t want to creep up on her. Perhaps, if I walk normally and act normal, that would make her feel better. I’m certain she hears me coming despite her lack of reaction. It doesn’t help that I feel the others’ eyes on me. They’re all waiting to see what happens. 

Maintaining my composure, I steadily ease myself down onto the grass beside her. Her sight remains ahead, somewhere along the horizon. Her eyes are narrow into slits from the bright sun on the ripples of the water. I turn my head toward her to catch a better glimpse of her face and she still doesn’t react. Her lips remain in a soft frown and her features gloomy. I swallow hard, bringing my attention back to the horizon. I don’t what do. How do I help her? How do I take the pain away? 

Unexpectedly, Y/N’s hand glides over my fists gently and gives them a slight squeeze. Bewildered, I snap my head in her direction. Unfazed, she slowly rests her head on my shoulder. Afraid that the slightest movement will cause her to cower, I remain still. She scoots closer to me and slips her arm through mine, clinging to me. Hesitantly, I plant a kiss to her forehead. I’ve missed her presence. Her closeness to me. 

Resting my chin on top of her head, I stare off into the distance as a though crosses my mind. Then, the thought simply leaves me. “I know this doesn’t help, but I love you...” 

My voice is so faint I nearly lose it in the slight breeze brushing through the valley. There’s a prolonged pause and I debate within myself whether she missed it or I made the situation worse. Perhaps she didn’t want to hear that. Maybe I messed up. 

“It does help,” she whispers as her fingers tighten around my bicep. 

And finally, I can breathe again. At least for now, I’m not losing her. 

__________________________________________

Later that night... 

Y/N

Late following a stroll about the castle after dinner, Sirius and I return to the Common Room. It’s empty as the others have gone to bed. I won’t lie and say I’m not a tad relieved everyone’s to bed. I’m not sure I could handle everyone’s starring. At dinner, everyone tried their best to act like everything is normal, but even Lily couldn’t fake a smile. 

Sirius and I lay on the couch facing each other. The faint cracking of the fire fills the silence. A nice thick wool blanket keeps us warm and I find myself more at ease than I’ve been the last few days. He brings his warm hand to my cheek and brushes his thumb across it. My eyes fall shut at the sensation. Sirius, a blanket, a fire, a couch, and silence is like heaven to me. It’s my safe haven. 

“I think I should go see my brother,” I mumble. 

I already know what Sirius is going to say. Right on cue, his features change to express hostility. The peace moment already becoming a distant memory. 

“Go-” he inhales sharply. “Go see your brother? Seriously, Y/N?! Do you have any idea how dangerous that could be?!”

“Come with me then!” I plead, griping his hand in mine. 

He yanks his hand from me and sits up in a jolt. “That doesn’t by many means change the level of danger!”

I sigh, leaning up to sit beside him. My arm rests across his back as I rest my chin on his shoulder. “He won’t hurt me Sirius. He wouldn’t, couldn’t.”

“He’s a Death...” he stops himself before he says it.

My head snaps up from its position on his shoulder. “He might be,” I correct him. “We can’t be sure!” 

“Either way, it’s too risky!” Sirius declares as though it’s law now. 

Sirius shakes his head repeatedly as he avoids my gaze. His lower lip remains bit beneath his teeth. It doesn’t take a genius to see that his mind is traveling miles a minute. 

“Please Sirius...” I whisper desperately. “I have to know...”

He sighs deeply as his head falls. “You’ll go no matter what I say, right?”

“Probably,” I answer honestly. 

I don’t have a choice. I have to know. 

“Alrighty then,” he exhales sharply, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. “We’ll do a day trip to London I guess. We’ll have to be smart about it though, to avoid suspension.”

I nod frantically, excited that he’s doing this with me. I knew it would be a long shot that he would agree to it at all. “We’ll use the tunnels and leave from the Shrieking Shack,” I suggest. 

His brows scrunch together. “Wait, how do you know about the tunnels?”

“Remus showed me once,” I explain plainly. “You don’t actually think I believed your little story about the four of you hiding in the Room of Requirement during Remus’s changes?” I giggle. He would too. 

He shrugs, appearing a tad offended. “I thought it was pretty convincing...” 

“You couldn’t possibly contain a werewolf in there!” I laugh. 

Sirius leans in a plants a quick peck to my temple. Then, he takes my face in his hands, making me stare into his eyes. “Just promise to never follow us on a full moon and to never go to the shack without me! If anything ever happened to you, I... I wouldn’t know what to do-” 

Interrupting his request, I plant a kiss to his lips. At first, he’s caught off guard, unsure of what to do. Then, he leans into the action hungrily. Before we both get too caught up in the moment, I break from him and rest my forehead against his. 

“Promise,” I smile. 

He shares my smile and brings his lips to mine again. Only this time, it’s gentle and more like we’re sealing the promise. 

“But promise me something in return,” I mumble against his lips. 

He leans back to meet my eyes. A brow rises with curiosity. “What is it?”

“Promise me that you won’t do anything reckless during a full moon. Every month I’m so afraid that you’ll sacrifice hour safety to protect Remus or the others,” I confess a worrisome thought that’s been bothering me for quite some time. “I lay awake at night asking the universe to keep you safe-” 

“I promise,” he blurts out without a second thought. 

It brings an immense wave of relief to finally confess my worrying and for him to be so compliant. 

“Y/N...” He wraps an arm around me, bringing in closer, if that’s even possible. “I would never do anything that would risk me losing you. I genuinely see us together for the rest of our lives. After we’re done here, we have the entirely world to see. I don’t want to lose a chance at that.” 

I lift my hand up and brush my fingers through his long black strands. Goodness, I love him so much. It amazes me sometimes how much I love him. I’m so thankful for Sirius. I look forward to forever with him if it will be just like this moment. 

____________________________

Masterlist

Tags:  @hannah220506 @agirlwholovescoffee-blog @a-classic-eye@devilstradegy @blackbirddaredevil23 @tay-mariee @blackpinkdolan @findzela @emilianamason @missryerye @loonyslytherin

[star-maiden]

Oracle of November - Healing and Personal Growth

Theme: What is needed for your highest growth and healing?

Hello and welcome! This week we are seeing a bit of a change with my readings! (Don’t worry. I will still do the Tarot Forecast). With everything that has been happening in the world recently, I think many of us are noticing a shift in energy. People are fearful, worried, anxious, angry, and all the shades of feeling that come in between. This week, I was inspired to do this oracle reading focusing on the themes of healing, self care and what we need to focus on to become the best, brightest version of ourselves. I asked Spirit to share messages that we needed to hear at this time to support our highest growth and healing, and in general help us handle everything that is happening in the world in a healthy and supportive way. As with all of my readings for the collective, these messages are meant for a wide range of people, life paths and situations. It is general outlook advice. As such, you may find that not everything resonates with you completely, and that is ok. Please take only what resonates and leave the rest. You will also want to check your sun, moon and rising signs for the message or messages that are meant for you. I sincerely hope that these messages will serve your highest and greatest good, and assist you in making wise, informed decisions. May you be safe and supported at all times!

⭐ Another deviation from my usual modus operandi this week is that instead of my tarot cards, I will be using an oracle deck. This is fairly unusual for me because I tend to only use my oracle deck in private readings for myself or with clients. However, I feel that this particular oracle is best suited to the task of providing us with the messages that will be most supportive at this time. If you guys like the oracle reading, I may start doing a monthly oracle for the collective. Please let me know if you would be interested in seeing that! This deck is the Starseed Oracle by Rebecca Campbell and Danielle Noel.

General Message: The general message for the entire collective at the moment is The Void. Stop. Embrace Winter. The Great Cosmic Womb. The message of this card tells us to surrender to the unknown. Trust that just because we do not have all the answers and cannot see every little thing that is happening beneath the surface, it doesn’t mean that something is not at work. We will all be best served by taking a sacred pause at this time. Rest, replenish and prepare ourselves to move forward in action again when the time is right.

♈ - Aries: The Great Severing. Mars energy. Anger. Conflict. Softening to love. For you this month, Aries, I am sensing that there is a rift that needs to be mended. This may be a conflict with loved ones or acquaintances, or it may be an internal conflict that you have been struggling with. This card is one of shadow work and confronting anything in our lives that make it difficult to feel connected to love, and supported in our work/daily lives. This card is appearing to tell you that it’s ok to feel the way that you do, even if the emotions may seem negative. In order to move away from hurt and anger, we have to go through the experience and process of feeling these things. Whatever is coming up for you, acknowledge it, process your feelings by allowing the experience. It doesn’t make you “weak” or incapable in any capacity, it makes you human. Still, do not feel ashamed of your reaction to difficult emotions. Wanting to hide away, to close your heart off and to protect yourself from further pain is normal. However, when this happens, it’s important for you to acknowledge what is happening and consider the reasons why. Do what you need to do to move through the experience of your emotions. It may be that you need some time for yourself, or that you need to talk to someone you trust, or even that you need to seek professional support. All of this is perfectly ok. Take care of yourself, Aries.

♉ - Taurus: Soul Plan. The Fated Life Vs the Destiny Life. Taurus, right now you need to remember your roots and your strength. What was it about your character, personality or spirit that has carried you so far already?  You have wandered away from yourself, and have not been standing in your power. This card is telling you that you have not lost your strength, but rather you have forgotten. Sometimes, when we find ourselves in unfamiliar situations, or on a path to which the destination is unclear, we experience doubt and fear. This is ok to feel, but don’t let it rob you of your agency. You are being called to remember the strength of your soul and the inspiration of your spirit. What can you accomplish when you lead from a place of love, rather than an illusion created by fear?  

♊ - Gemini: Messenger. Sirius Energy. Bringing Harmony and Balance. The message for you this month, and the way that you can support your highest growth and healing right now rests in the power of your voice. This is the power of your mind and your words to create and communicate. It may even be that you are not the one in need of healing at this time, but that you are being called to act as a mediator for someone else. The message of this card is that there are certain souls on this planet who are here to spend their lifetimes uplifting the collective energy, and to be the guardians of balance and harmony. Their life path or purpose, in this sense, is to help the collective recognize the connections that tie us together. This includes connections between people, people and the planet, with spirit and the divine. It is possible that you are one of these souls tasked with holding this frequency of pure love. There may be a special calling or work that you feel drawn to, or you could simply be meant to live your life with great love and intention, leading by example. This month, consider how you can create balance in your life? Who does this benefit? How does creating balance take care of you? Be sure not to create this balance at the detriment of your own well being, though.

♋ - Cancer: Loosen Your Grip. Coping Mechanisms. Destiny. Addictions. Let God In. This card is appearing to let you know that there is something, a feeling, habit or idea, that you have been holding onto too tightly. It is likely that you have used this thing as a coping mechanism; as a way to distract yourself from the things that are not going well in your life, or to cover a vulnerable aspect of yourself. This is not supportive for you, and has become a hindrance to your growth and happiness. It is time to let go, and to trust yourself and the experience you are having now. You are strong and capable, and can meet any challenge with grace and ease. Do not let fear tell you otherwise. Call in support if you need to. The oracle book says this: “Loosening your grip doesn’t mean that what you are clinging to will go away. It may. Or it might stay. But you can be sure that what is for you will find you.” Take this time to let go of anything that is not serving you, or that is destructive in any way. Letting go is part of the healthing process.

♌ - Leo: Star Bathing. Light Body. Crystal Grid. Transmission. Activation. I’m hearing a question for you, Leo. Spirit is saying “Where do you shine?”. In what ways do you feel most inspired to show up in the world? In what ways do you feel stifled? This card is asking you to consider what has been going on recently in your life. Is there anything that makes you feel especially drained, or reluctant? If so, it could be that it is not meant for you and needs to be let go. It could also mean that you are spending too much time focusing on outward actions, and not enough time doing things that are meaningful and restorative for you. Evaluate your feelings and energy levels. Take things slow. Is there anything that needs to change?

♍ - Virgo: Earth School. Life Lessons. Soul Growth. Study. Higher Learning. There is something that you need to learn, a karmic lesson perhaps. What has been showing up for you again and again? Virgo, pay attention to any patterns that may appear in your life right now. This is a sign that you need to pay special attention to these areas as it is time to mend them. This card also asks you to consider your perspective on any difficulties that show up in your life right now. You may find them easier to handle if you think of them as opportunities for growth, rather than “getting something wrong”. This month, consider: How are you being called to grow and learn?

♎ - Libra: Earth Pulsing. Pulse of the Mother. Slow Down. Time in Nature. Wow, Libra! Spirit’s message for you came through so clear! This month, you need to focus on self care. If you have recently found yourself in a cycle of “go, go, go” and are feeling a bit tired, then it’s time to rest. It’s time for you to reconnect with nature, with yourself, with the earth energy. When you take time for yourself, you allow for stagnant energy to fall away, and open yourself up to receiving more energies of love and inspiration from the universe.

♏ - Scorpio: You’re not for Everyone. Embrace Your Weirdness. Face Your True North. The message of this card tells you that you shouldn’t try to fit in or conform to anyone’s perception of who you are. Rather, you should focus on being true to yourself, and showing up in the world in a way that makes you happy. Sometimes, this is difficult for others to accept. Most often, it is the people who are closest to us that carry the strongest opinions of who we should be, and it can sometimes result in conflicts and disbelief whenever we uncover a side of ourselves that was previously hidden. Others may not agree with our choices or styles, but this is ok. We need to learn to be ok with each other's differences, and if someone cannot accept you for who you are, then it is a waste of your time and energy to try and convince them otherwise. In life, there will always be people who don’t like you because you don’t fit in the box that they have created to categorize and understand the world around them. This isn’t your fault or problem to fix. For every person that dislikes you, there is also someone else who will love you fiercely and stand up for you should you need it. Seek out these people. Don’t waste your time and gifts trying to make someone else see your worth. If they can’t see it already, it’s their loss.

♐ - Sagittarius: You are Not Alone. Isolation. Physical Connection. Community. With this card, Sagittarius, I am hearing that perhaps you have been spending too much time in your head. You may have withdrawn into yourself to deal with something, or to protect yourself from pain or conflict. In fact, many people find it deeply nourishing and healing to pull back from the buzz of the world, go within and rest. It is a great tool of self care, and a wonderful way to take care of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed. However, we can also spend too much time alone. If we stay withdrawn to the point that we are completely isolated from everything and everyone around us, then this can also be draining and damaging. Right now, it may not be safe for you to venture out and you’ll want to consider your personal health and safety when making decisions. One great tool that we have is technology. If you have been feeling isolated and alone, reach out on social media or to your friends via technology. How can you reach out to the people in your life to feel more supported?

♑ - Capricorn: Forge. Don’t Follow. Be the leader you wish you had. This month, Capricorn, you are being called to heal and mend something that happened in the past. This may be something that happened to you or to someone around you. Pave a new path forward by leading by example. Is there something that occurred in the past that you feel was handled poorly? This could also be in reference to social justice and equity. How can you be a leader in this situation? The book says “the most courageous and needed leaders are the ones who don’t wait for permission, or until they wake up feeling ready. They take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and figure it out as they go.” This is a powerful message. Like Gemini’s message, I’m sensing that it may not be you who needs healing at this time. It may be that you are being called to light the way for someone else. If no one is stepping up to the plate on topics that you are passionate about, then forge your own way. If this is something that you feel very strongly about, then no one else would be able to meet your goal with the same level of skill, passion, experience and unique perspective as you can. How are you being called to lead right now?

♒ - Aquarius: Big Picture Thinking. Pleiades Energy. Visionary. Inspired Ideas. You are being called to bring healing and renewed energy into your life through your creativity and inspiration. Is there an area of your life that feels stagnant and watered down? If so, then it is time to breathe some life back into it; to rekindle your passionate spirit. It is never too late to make changes and to learn new things. Aquarius, you may be the sign that knows this lesson best. What new ideas or creations are you being called to pursue? These ideas may be revolutionary in the sense that they turn the status quo upside down, or they may be of a “big-picture” perspective; designed to create change on a large scale. This card is asking you to dream a new world into being for yourself. To do so, you will need to envision what sort of future you’d like to have, hold this vision and follow it with daily action. Walking this path may take great courage, but it will be worth it in the end.

♓ - Pisces: Child of the Cosmos. The intelligence of the universe lies within you. This month, you are being called to trust yourself. Trust your inner knowing and all the work you have done thus far.The intelligence of Spirit; of the universe and the Divine is within you, just as it is in all living things. It is the part of you that knows the way forward no matter how unclear and uncertain your logical mind becomes. However, because we all live our lives with free will, it can sometimes be hard to recognize the deeper wisdom of our higher selves. We may become disconnected from our intuition, and forget to trust our own sense of knowing. If you have felt lost lately, then this card is a reminder to look within. Trust the voice of your intuition, and let it guide you forward. You are always connected to the source of inner strength, wisdom, flow and power. You just need to remember.

[gills-corn]

Once there was a boy and a butterfly.

It wasn't a butterfly at first, of course - the boy picked up a lone caterpillar one scorching May morning and nursed it to adulthood. As it molted and grew wings and learned to fly, the boy played under the sun, showering in the sunshine and the summer rains.

The butterfly flew away, right out of a window and to the sky. The boy was outside, running around with a group of children his age, playing whatever their heart desired. He didn't even had the chance to say good-bye.

He cried himself to sleep that night, inconsolable. The next day, he's back on his feet after a friend gave him a cone of ice cream, as fickle as the summer day that shined down upon him.

He became just a boy, with no butterfly, but a boy who knows more about leaving and losing than the day ago.

The next years repeated the same way - a boy, alone in the universe, but bodies still orbited around him, people he knew loved him but he couldn't quite comprehend why or how. He had long forgotten is butterfly. People came and went - friends, classmates, family members - and he had learned how to cope. He had learned about the importance of them arriving, of them leaving, of them tracing a solitary mark on his life.

Still, the idea of having something you value so dearly, so tenderly is lost on him. But what does he know? He's sixteen and miserable and alone, not entirely friendless or lonely, but there's still a vacuum around him, warping around his from like a black hole.

"I don't think I'm capable of love," he had mentioned to his friend once, in the throes of drunkenness. There's a sad smile on his face, reminiscent of a boyhood not-so-lost but drifting away.

"You are. Everyone is," his friend answered, his eyes fluttering shut. He rested his head on the other boy's shoulder.

The silence rang through the boy's ears as other bodies slept around him, his friends that fancied themselves as rebels but didn't do more than sneak a few bottles of beers. He examined his friend's face and returned to his drink, his body thrumming.

He was nearly seventeen, crying in the bathroom, his heart threatening to burst out of his tight chest. A boy with no butterfly, no love to give, no best friend to hold onto, whether they're drinking, laughing, or exploring the blissful tragedy of teenage-hood.

He thought he knew how to say good-bye. He had practiced this all of his life - see you soon, hope you'll be okay and, in times of death, I'm so sorry for your loss. This was worse than death itself - it was something that was torn out of his life, like a page from a book, except the page was inked with memories he could never forget and things he wished he had said.

First there was sadness.

Then there was anger.

He tore out fistfuls of hair from his head. He threw away comic books they once shared, mixtapes they made for each other, notes passed around class, naughty and mischieveous and immature. He kicked his door and teared up because he stubbed his toe. He tore his curtains down and immediately repaired them, not wanting his mother to be more worried than she already is.

Finally, it was the numbness, the calm.

Everyone was too worried about him, too careful about the words they said. The hurricane had soon departed, he thought to himself, but everyone was afraid to start another one. He did not have the energy nor the time for it anymore. He had wasted enough time as it is. He had school to focus on, friendships he wanted to revive, apologies he had to give out.

He was trying to be a better person. But why did it feel like he's only making himself worse?

"He told me you thought you didn't know how to love," a friend told him. She blew a gust of smoke on his face from the cigarette she'd been smoking.

Something wrenches behind his ribcage. "Yeah."

"I'd say you were wrong," she replied. "You acted out because you love him. And you can't bear to see him leave."

"I know," he murmured. He raised his head. The familiar warmth of his friend's eyes, the slope of her nose, the crookedness of her teeth were all a gentle reminder of a childhood diminished but he hoped to cling onto it as much as he can. He tried to stop his voice from cracking as he added, "I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't be. We're all upset. And sad. He's our friend since, like, forever. But the world goes on. If you don't catch up, you might just get left behind."

That was the thing he liked about this friend. She was never too gentle.

He was able to move onto seventeen without a hitch. His remaining friends helped him celebrate, throw a party, down a few shots. He made him realize that was able to love and he had been loving them since he knew them. And he knew they loved him back.

Seventeen felt new, fragile. Maybe he was just being overdramatic but he was getting closer to adulthood. He wasn't much of a child anymore, with overgrown limbs, unwanted hair and things he was not able to control, but the thought of moving to adulthood was too daunting. Sometimes, your past selves are the ones who leave and you must still know how to depart from them properly.

The universe goes on and he moves on. Slowly. But he's getting there. School was ending. The number of summers of spending with his friends was dwindling. Soon, there'd be university, jobs, apartments. A few years later, relationships, marriages, children would start to appear in his life and rubbed on his nose, whether he liked it or not. The future was vast, terrifying, like the expanse of the wide, deep space. He decided that he'd take on his last summer as a child, even though he had lost the title years ago.

He knew things left. He didn't always expected them to come back.

Everyone rejoiced at his best friend returning for the summer - everyone, that is, only his friends. They all were planning for their last hurrah before departing their own ways after the next school year. He didn't know how everyone just became happy and fun and excited as if his friend's loss didn't rip out a piece of his soul.

Summer was ruined. He should have known that days of fingers sticky with melted ice cream, skin smelling just like sunshine and jumps into creeks and pools were long gone. He stayed in his bedroom for as long as he can. He knew that with him coming back, he'd be leaving again.

"Are you avoiding me?" his friend asked him, lying side by side as they stared on the dark ceiling of his bedroom.

He was not able to get out of the end-of-summer sleepover. He did not want to disappoint his other friends and their powers of convincing were straight out of an telemarketer.

He breathes out, his heart rattling. "What do you think?"

"I'm sorry. I - I know you're still upset with me leaving."

"Well. That answers your question now, doesn't it."

"You can't hide from me forever. I can't handle it."

"Do you think I knew how to handle it when you walked away from my life?" he shot back.

Tears clawed at his throat and he felt something hot behind his eyes. He closes them, hoping to get out o this nightmare.

"I didn't have a choice. My dad got a promotion, my mom's unhappy with her job here - "

"You could have told me," he replied. His voice was quiet, pinched. "At least I could have prepared myself."

"Can we talk outside?" his friend whispered urgently.

The two of them stood up. They were both the same height now, all awkward limbs and unharnessed strength. His friend gleamed under the glow of the silver moon outside, his tears glossing on the tops of his cheekbones. He stretched his hand, beckoning him to come closer.

He had no choice but to take it.

That summer night was cold but everything else was bright. If they were seven years younger, they would have howled at the full moon and ecstatic that they had managed to be awake past midnight. Nostalgia gnawed through his heart like an unwanted termite. He clasped his chest as his friend sat on the grass, not minding the stains on his white pajamas. He sat beside him, listening intently to the silence.

"Do you still think you can't love anyone?" his friend answered.

"No, not anymore." He smiled. A little. "I realized that I actually love all of you. My parents. Even my little sister. I was just drunk and melodramatic."

His friend laughed quietly but in a way that was still distinctly his. "I get what you meant, though. Sometimes, I - I feel like there's just something missing and it makes you all hollow inside."

"But you still loved, right?"

"Yeah," his friend replied. "I have never felt more love. That was cheesy but it's true."

"You're right. Maybe truth is a little cheesy. Maybe we need a little cheese in our life."

"I am so, so sorry. I can't - I did not know what to tell you, really, that I was going to go."

"But you told Tom - "

"No, I meant you. It's just - just the thought of saying good-bye to you hurts. Hell, even physically. I did not want to lose you. Or anyone. But especially you."

"Well, you tend to lose people in your life. That's sort of how it works."

"But then I wouldn't know how to live."

"Don't say that. Losing people does not mean losing yourself, too."

His friend sighs. "I know. What I'm trying to say is - I didn't want to make you upset, disappointed, sad or whatever. I know what I did probably made you more like those things and I apologize. Really. It was selfish of me. I didn't want to think about you not being there right by my side."

"You were right." He sat up straighter. "I - I didn't know what to do with myself when you left. Losing people means losing a part of you, I know, but I never seemed to realize that you were such a large part in my life that it made me crumble."

"Remember the first time I gave you ice cream? We were like eight or whatever. It was from my savings from school. I wasn't actually full that time. You were just so sad and you loved ice cream so. . . I gave you a cone."

His eyes crinkled as he gazed upon his friend's open and vulnerable face. "My butterfly left the day before. Of course I was sad. But why did you do that?"

"You know how I always get you ice cream, right? You, only you. Always vanilla and chocolate in a wafer cone. Whenever you want one or whenever you're miserable, I give you an ice cream cone. Sometimes, there wasn't even any reason. I just gave you one."

"Yeah, but Kay and Rachel are lactose intolerant and - "

"I'm trying to say that you're special. To me. Ever since we met. And I can't - I did not know how to say good-bye. Especially to my favorite person."

They were grasping hands, sweat intermingling.

"I know. But we all have to, right? Eventually. But seems like I still need to learn that lesson."

"Why?"

"You're my favorite person as well and I - I can't bid you farewell for the second time."

"Well. We don't have to think about saying good-bye right now, you know. We can think of what we should be doing now."

"Like what? Sleep?"

"No." A beat passes, like a flap of a butterfly's wings. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

As their lips meet, bittersweet yet refreshing, filled with shed tears, unfurled emotion and whispered love confessions, they say hello and bid good-bye to each other again and again, like two butterflies floating in the air.

[anxiouslyfred]

Time Increases and Falls

Summary: Virgil doesn’t want to meet his soulmate after the things his brother has said since finding his. He doesn’t try to avoid meeting them though, not even by making choices to deliberately increase the countdown to meeting on his wrist.

/\/\

Most people didn't check the timers on their wrists very often. Society thought that chasing the timers obviously was immoral, a sign of impatience and desperation.

Arguing against that, and giving Roman a chance to actually try and find his soulmate had originally started Remus checking his timer regularly, but now it had become a game. How would making decisions in his life change the time it would take to meet his soulmate? Also how many reasons could Remus imagine for unexpected jumps up in the time they had until meeting?

The actual time wasn't really motivating for Remus. He'd meet his soulmate eventually and the timer changed too often for him to try and predict when. It was fun occasionally to make a decision based purely over which had the shortest time to meeting his soulmate, but then again, it was also fun sometimes to change decisions over which would cause the most chaos.

He was certain that his soulmate did pay attention to it though, and often made sure to chose the option that increased how long they'd take to meet. Remus had an entire list of excuses for the commiserating glances people gave if they happened to see his timer jump up, which given timers were on the back of the wrist, rarely covered by sleeves, was quite often.

Virgil didn't want a soulmate. He'd witnessed Patton and Logan meeting and how they now treated each other and something about it made his skin crawl. They'd dote on each other and insist on constantly being together through any possibly difficult situation, to comfort, protect or help. His parents though it was sweet but Virgil just thought it sounded exhausting, like they'd decided to abandon being individual people after meeting despite how different they were.

No he didn't want to lose his identity or spend every waking moment glued to the side just because a timer reached zero when they met. He liked his own space, thank you very much. That didn't mean he was trying to avoid their meeting though, just that he didn't mind each time he learnt later the timer had once again had days added to it.

Honestly his anxiety did seem to be a primary cause of delays to their meeting and that was pretty much the only good thing Virgil could say about the condition. Someone would comment asking if he was excited about meeting them when the counter got to be within a few days, and the surge of fears about what that could mean for his identity would make him back out of some event or other. Even if the event was nowhere close to the time they should be meeting dodging it would increase the time.

Of course there were also times when he'd deliberately try to keep all his appointments, to concerned about Patton and Logan attempting another intervention that he would push himself to keep to the choices he'd made. The timer would still increase, and Virgil couldn't find any explanation for it other than he would have gotten distracted by something along the way that changed their chances of meeting.

His timer had once again gotten to a matter of days before he was meant to meet this soulmate and Virgil was wondering when it would change again, double checking whenever he was alone to see if he'd inadvertently messed up their future meeting again.

His life still needed to be lived though so Virgil was doing a weeks grocery shop and trying to ignore the nosey glances everyone shot to each others wrists. They should be able to cope without knowing if he had a soulmate yet or not, but everyone did it automatically now.

“Oh, are you going to be doing something special for your meeting?” The cashier asked, making no attempt to hide her staring as she scanned all the items.

Normally Virgil would brush comments like that off, except there was something big happening on the day the timer currently indicated. He had a big presentation coming up that would be in front of far too many important people for his career to progress. On top of that stress, the shop had been busier than usual and Patton had called up halfway round to ask if he could get something from right at the front of the store for them. Pushing through the people and making sure he had everything he needed had Virgil clinging onto calm by the thinnest final thread and that question was breaking point.

He'd shaken his head violently, paying by card as quickly as he could before running out of the store, bags in hand, with no glance spared for the timer on his wrist that he'd just felt change. Experience said it would just had extended anyway.

Virgil managed to get the bags shoved into his car before leaning against it, trying to remember any grounding exercise he could to calm down. Nothing was working and he started to turn and walk somewhere, anywhere, just get the excess energy out of his limbs enough that he could drive.

He made it two steps before finding himself on the ground under a complete stranger, a shopping cart rolling further through the car park as they watched. “Dude, what the bloody hell were you doing? Trying to go cart racing with a trolley or something?” Virgil glared up, but froze as the usually unnoticeable movement of his timer vanished.

The man must have felt the same thing as he scrambled back, pulling Virgil back to his feet quickly too. “No but that sounds like an awesome idea if you want to try it. I bet there's something in there I could use to rig up an engine for a trolley too. I'm Remus and you're my soulmate.”

“Virgil and if you're doing crazy shit like that I'm not getting involved.” There was none of the need Patton and Logan had claimed came from being soulmates to stick with Remus and Virgil couldn't be more relieved about that. It still wouldn't convince him to put his life at risk for the maniac.

“Setting boundaries straight off. How long do I have to know you before I can push them?” Remus didn't seem phased by the harsh tone, just nodding along and absently watching his shopping cart as it finally stopped against a curb.

The question was one nobody had asked before, and probably nobody else would ever think of asking, but it made Virgil relax. “At least a few months. If you pull the have to be around each other 24/7 thing my brother pulls with his soulmate make it a few years.”

“I get you, everyone needs their space to do insane stunts on their owns sometimes. Can I have your number to at least stay in touch?” Remus pulled his phone out, pouting as he saw a car swerve to avoid hitting the cart. “Come on! You should've hit it! Charged the supermarket for lack of places to return carts to or something!”

Taking the phone, Virgil snickered at the yell. “Couldn't they just turn that back on you? I mean your shopping is in there.”

“And I'm stood all the way over here where we fell ages ago. Either they shouldn't make their car parks slope enough for the trolley to roll that far or they should give them like auto breaks for when the carts roll to fast.” Remus nodded as though that was entirely logical. “Also so I can test just how good auto breaks would make trolleys at sending me flying. Ro always holds back when trying to make a cart stop.”

“Okay, I'll add that to the million questions this meeting has given me. I've already text myself from your phone so we've got each others number, but I've got frozen stuff to get home before it's dangerous to refreeze it again. And you better be getting that cart back because I am not helping to replace anything you lose in your idiocy.” Virgil decided, finding that somewhere in talking to Remus he'd calmed down properly again.

Remus was chasing through the car park as soon as he'd taken his phone back, promising to call later over his shoulder.

Virgil had never wanted a soulmate, but he could be happy with whatever kind of adventure just talking to Remus was going to be.

[erikthedead]

entry #4

Started reading FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY’s ‘Notes from the Underground,’ and I just got into the second half of him rambling and reflecting on his behaviour in detail. I never would have thought a Russian man from the 19th century would make me feel a little bit less alone in this world (or at least the ‘character’ delivering the narrative). Yet the more I read about what goes on in peoples’ heads the less insane I feel, or at least comforted by realising that everyone is a little bit insane, as long as they’re being honest. Should that be comforting? I feel like that should actually be disturbing, but I kinda like being disturbed. The bit that struck me to get writing about myself was how he recurringly mentions this need to be seen and heard and be a noble member of society, but flip flops between that and a state of isolating himself and being a recluse, ashamed by how his own face looks. I hope I’m interpreting it right, as I’m not so sure I’m smart enough to fully understand everything the man was trying to convey. The whole thing reads as him trying to make sense of himself, if anything. But if I am right in that, I can totally relate, and it causes me much distress as it seemed to have tormented him too.  His way was to throw himself into busy streets and bars, never feeling comfortable with it from what I’ve read, and possibly did it on purpose to feel uncomfortable, because he was getting bored with the current discomfort of isolating himself in his room with his books. That’s the interesting thing about it, he never once says he ‘leaves the comfort’ of his own home, like you’ll hear many well-adjusted introverts say. People who are content on their own. He obviously wasn’t content, he was bored, sick of his own brain, he tells us how he would break down into tearful fits from some sort of mental anguish that he tried to escape from through consumption of literature. I do exactly the same thing with media of all kinds, not because I ENJOY spending time with myself and my things, but because it helps me COPE with it. I am so envious of consistently introverted people who relish in their alone time. That SHOULD BE ME. All the same, it annoys me to death when someone complains about being ‘stuck in the house’ all day when they want to go out and mingle and see the world, because that is too exhausting a thing to wish for compared to creature comforts and solitude, surely. Both of them irritate me because I’m jealous of their seemingly consistent understanding of themselves, their desires and what makes them content on a regular, general basis. I’ve been trying to hard to figure out my own. I’m twenty-six now, yet I still feel juvenile as hell. I still feel like a child that goes up to the next thing that catches its eye and wants to ask, ‘can I have a go?’ And of course, to an innocent child, you let them have a go, without any expectations. You don’t get that luxury as an adult. You are expected to choose, commit, KNOW what you want. But again, I can’t help but think this isn’t me being special, that everyone probably feels this way, you certainly hear it from a lot of old people who humbly state that they are still always learning and discovering new things. Then again maybe they miss the point. Discovering things is fine, all the time. Learning is appreciated and encouraged. But actually changing or choosing not to change (both can be bad, right?), that is unsettling. We’ve given up good and evil for behaviourism and yet still people like me, Fyodor and to name a few other people I relate to when I read their autobiographies, Russell Brand, Stephen Fry, Steve-O (oh yes I compare myself to the greats, in all my unheard mighty feats), people like us can’t even get that right. Creative, expressive, bipolar people. People with big heads and sensitive souls, I’d say. Although I connect deeply to people like this I’d never want to be around them for too long. I know their torment and quite frankly my own is enough to contend with. There is a feeling of ‘pay attention to me but leave me alone.’ ‘Love me more than anything but don’t care too much about me because I’m bound to hurt you or make a fool of myself.’ Actually, in Notes from the Underground, Fyodor talks about man’s unconscious desire to smash up something he has been building, because he is unconsciously terrified of what to do what he has completed it, and Brand actually mentions this quite a bit in his Bookywooks. How he’d personally reach a level of fame and notoriety but then sabotage it, fearing the peak or what comes after – the come down. I hope I’ve interpreted these guys correctly, because it does make sense to me. The only thing that really sets me aside from these guys is my utter lack of ambition. At least in these peoples’ hypomanic states they were achieving something. What do I do? I’m the classic, slightly mentally ill underachiever that never sticks to anything. The sheer magnitude of my unconscientiousness could be used as an example of how not to be during a Jordan Peterson lecture. My downfalls were not self-sabotages, conscious or unconscious for the first half of my life. The rest you can blame on me, that’s fair enough, but puberty hit me early and like a train, and all that meant was I was spotty and got a bullied a bit, but that didn’t excuse me from performing well in my exams and essays. I was predicted to come out with some of the top grades in the whole school. I even started finding my confidence and standing up for myself to bullies after a few years adjusting to adolescence. Then my mother died suddenly one night from an overdose when I was fourteen, and my whole world flipped upside down. Like an anime main character backstory right there. It wasn’t perfect beforehand, anyone who knows my whole childhood situation will agree, but I had a bloody good chance up until she died. After that, I became nihilistic, rebellious, promiscuous and generally self-destructive. ‘How would your mother feel if she could see you now? She wouldn’t have wanted this.’ Oh how I wish I slapped anyone that said this to me. How dare they even try to assume what she would have wanted, having never known her. Of course, I said it to myself all the time, I still do sometimes, but I have that right. The rest of you don’t. Hah, rights. What a joke, even as I try to be dominant through typing to imaginary figments of the past and the future, I’m not even convincing myself.

The inconsistency, of my desires, my attitudes, my cognitions, my emotions and ultimately my behaviour is what pains me. I would rather be a complete abolition that was sure in himself than be like this. What’s even more frustrating is that it’s not that uncommon for people to be like me in that sense, but they just go with the flow with it, seemingly unaware of their inconsistency, and become incredibly defensive when you point it out. It’s understandable, I get defensive with myself, which could be an early sign of schizophrenia, who knows, time will tell. At the moment though I am without doubt an anxious, depressive, inconsistent muddled mess of a person, and even the HOPE for my future self comes and goes in powerful forms. I have the grandiose fantasies of being interviewed by people because I’m just that interesting and my achievements are that remarkable, and I also have the sheer terror while preparing to talk to the shop assistant when I’m buying something. Oh yeah, buying things, that’s a tricky one for me an’ all! The trick with me is not to give me too much choice, because if I have I will never decide, or I will make a silly last minute decision or pick the third thing after debating with myself for ten minutes between choosing from the first and the second. Not only indecisiveness, but impulsiveness plagues me. Not just buying things I don’t need, or don’t even want yet because I haven’t finished the last thing, but even charitably so. I saw a stranger E-begging by chance and decided to send him money. I have no idea why. Am I just a good person? I don’t have enough money for myself, and even if I do have some to spare, that should go to others who have helped me financially before a stranger on the internet. Maybe I’m not a good person, and I just did it to cleanse myself of some feeling of shame or guilt for wasting money on myself. As well as the positive fantasies of my future where I am destined to greatness through nothing other than my own conviction and virtues, I have the other vision in the crystal ball that shows myself destitute and addicted to hard drugs, homeless or institutionalised, ultimately suicided. Addiction and suicide run through my veins afterall, and I’ve been close to becoming the 3rd generation of my bloodline to go out by my own hand. The decently sized scar on my arm from a self-inflicted slash that was intended for my neck, that nearly severed my nerves and would have left me with a malfunctioning left hand had I gone any deeper. Sometimes I look at it and feel ashamed for doing it, for trying to throw away my beautiful, special life, and other times I look at it and feel ashamed for missing my real target, my consciousness. I battle with my consciousness a lot, I try to minimise it through drink and drugs or healthy mental exercises, distract it with my media, sublimate it through writing and drawing, but rarely do I get peace from it. Then other times, I count my blessings and praise the universe for bestowing onto me just the ability to think and feel and be a person. Neither approach to life is crazy to me, what’s crazy to me is not being able to bloody pick one and settle on it for more than a couple of days at a time. Like Fyodor describes his character going out into a busy bustling area in his urges to be part of society after a stint of isolation, I will go out some weekends and do the same, but that’s only a more recent, probably more healthy advance in my development than what I have been doing for a long time which is going online to provoke and debate people with my thoughts and opinions, and sometimes cheeky insults. I really resent when people who know me call it ‘trolling’ when I go off on these episodes. Trolling to me is when you put something out there that you don’t actually stand by, but you know will get a reaction out of people because you’re bored and want to mess with people. Now fair enough, there’s a lot to be said for that last part, but I have no reason to say things I don’t really think/feel/believe when the things I say genuinely are enough to upset people on their own, things I sincerely believe are correct. I’ll feel ever so right and convicted during these online tirades, then the next day want to delete all my social media and wipe my name from the planetary database. Perhaps I could just delete my existence while I’m at it. Seems like my self-doubt and my self-assuredness play equal part in my misery, because like everything else, I can’t choose one. The same happens if I go out and meet new people on the weekend, I’ll exchange numbers and add people with all intention of meeting up in the future, only to ghost them afterwards. I don’t know why.

[factual-fantasy]

More asks! Prepare your feels and prepare your laughs!

I sometimes like to imagine myself being put into shows or videogames at a time period before something big happens or a character reveal happens.

I always freak out trying to convince the characters that I am from a world where their world is a complete work of fiction and that they are in great danger or someone is going to show up. Or sometimes I try to convince a character that the choice they are about to make is an awful one to protect them from their written script.

Normally what I do to convince them that I am from another world is I relay the characters entire life story to them. If they ask how I know all that, I say that your world is a game/show in mine and I learned your story though playing your game/watching your show.

Sometimes though I just imagine myself asking my favorite characters a lot of questions that the fandoms don't have confirmation of. 

Its weird, but its a fun past time. I don’t blame you for having these “strange fantasies”, I have ones that are very similar. I mean it is in my name after all. XD

Uhm.. talents?.. hmm.. Well uh... lets see..

Honda does like to paint.. and she is based off a very skilled artist, so maybe she would have a decent shot at painting something?

Bash Buggy probably used to have some talents, but now that he’s in the state he’s in, he probably cant do them anymore.

Hmm... maybe Miata could.. well.. I don’t know if speed is a talent, its just a natural physical capability of hers. But even if that counted, Vega and the Dragsters would smoke her aft on the dragstrip so she wouldn’t even win in that category anyway so... hm..

Volvo probably plays some kind of Cybertronian instrument or something because he’s prim and proper like that. But chances are there ain’t one of those thingi mah bobs on Earth so...

Brown Suburban could.. uh.. maybe Green Truck could.. （￣ε￣;）..Hmm.. Bruh this is hard. I dunno what their talents would be..

You can find my writing/fanfics here! @factuals-fanfics​ :D Go and check out some of the things I have already written! Warning, they are all angsty and none of them are from the Transformer fandom...  yet. I’m still working on that one.

When I read this, I went;

“Bring back-... wh..aaat..? Wait. That’s.. that’s the dude that voiced Optimus Prime right?.. Wait is he.. is he dead?? No, no it cant be! I would’ve already known right?“

*Searches, “is petter cullen dead” into Google*

“T.. 2011?? Wow.. man. Poor Optimus.. 9 years ago.. how did I not know he was dead? Dang.. well that sucks.. man.. how am I going to respond to this ask? Like.. what do I say to that?.. Oh wait- I got an idea.“

Ohh man.. prepare your feels. This is going to hurt. 

So here’s the thing, Bash Buggy used to be a real hugger and didn't mind one bit getting hugs from other people. He gave the best hugs, you could tell how much he cared about you by how he tight hugged you. He was a really warm and nice bot, he really was. And even the non huggers didn’t mind getting one from Bash Buggy. He loved giving hugs as a way to show affection, he never really was too great with his words so it was his best way of communicating with people.

..But now? You’re lucky if you get a pat on the back from him. He’s so horribly embarrassed by his body now, that he doesn’t want to touch anyone and he doesn’t anyone to touch him. He doesn’t go out of his way to hug people anymore because he cant tell by their expression if they want one, and he honestly thinks that no one wants to hug him. He doesn’t believe that anybody would want to get that close to his ugly face.

He cant see his face in mirrors, but by feeling around his face and body, he knows he must be awful to look at. He can feel all those exposed wires, all the dents and scratches.. he knows he’s all kind’s of different colors because of what the kids have said. He may not remember what some colors look like, but he can only assume that they don’t look pretty on him.

So basically, he’s embarrassed and ashamed of his body, and thus, no longer likes hugs. If he were to hug someone or if someone were to hug him, he would just feel gross and guilty. He’d feel like he wiped some of his ugliness onto the person he hugged.

However, there is one person who he will accept hugs from, and that is Brown Suburban. He has known that big lug for the longest time, and Brown Suburban is not deterred in the slightest by his best friends appearance. Cuz daw gonnit that is his best friend! And he’s going to hug Bash Buggy if he dang well feels like it! >:{ ♡♡♡

So.. uh.. long story short, Bash Buggy used to like hugs but doesn't anymore because he thinks he’s ugly. He no longer hugs people and feels uncomfortable getting hugs from others, however Brown Suburban is an exception because he’s his best friend. 

Somewhat close? I’ll give you a hint via gifs!

It actually really is, isn’t it? He’d be able to talk to the Humans no matter what state his voice box is in at the time too!.. However.. it would be hard to read their hands with his janked up vision. If their hands are in front of them, they become invisible. Especially since he uses thermal most of the the time.

Uh.. you okay Anon? This sounds very specific.. you doing alright?. Do you need some help..?

Well uh.. I hope you’re okay.. anyway, that aside uh.. the question, right. 

I uh.. I feel like most of them would kind’a have the same reaction. The person has a headache and is most likely stressed, frustrated and just tired. 

Most of them would probably get them some headache medicine, some food to go with it, maybe a blanket or something and talk it through with them. Let them vent, explain their side of the argument and overall try their best to be supportive.

Some characters like Bash Buggy and Volvo may not know how to react to this particular situation however. And some characters like Jeepy, U.M.Dragster and Ranger may get angry seeing you so upset that they might not be too much of help and might just make both of you feel worse about it. Unintentionally of course.

I’m not so sure about anyone else.. I feel like Suburban would try his best to help you feel better and try to help you cope.. but he himself is struggling with feelings anger and bitterness, so I don’t know how much his advice would stick.

Actually, now that I think about it? Green Truck and Brown Suburban would probably be the best ones to help here. Both of them are very old, and have been there and done that. They have met a lot of people with a lot of different issues, I’m sure they could put their wisdom to use in helping the distressed person see the situation clearly.

Anyway, not sure where this particular question came from.. but I hope you’re doing okay. <:} ♡

Well, obviously I have to look at this as if they were Humans.. let me see what I can come up with.. 

Okay, so.. Assuming that all 16 of them went whole hog with their costumes, and they all mostly picked out different ones.. the might all dress up in these.

Suburban:

Miata:

Escort:

Brown Suburban:

U.M.Dragster and  A.T.Dragster:

Green Truck:

Vega:

Red Van:

White Truck:

Beluga:

Honda:

Ranger:

Volvo:

Jeepy:

Bash Buggy:

[starring-movies]

Killing Eve: Episode Analysis

*SPOILERS*

Season 1, Episode 4 - Sorry Baby

We start the episode at Bill’s funeral where Frank is speaking in behalf of Bill’s colleagues. Frank’s speech about Bill is particularly comfortable as Frank gets everything wrong about him, Frank says;

Bill’s colleagues “really really liked him” - there’s absolutely no sentiment in this and only says Bill’s colleagues really likes him, he doesn’t even include himself in that statement. He’s just saying the most generic things you could possibly say in a eulogy about someone you didn’t know at all.

Bill was “a very loud man” - not appropriate to say at a funeral at all really, he’s insulting him more than anything.

Bill was “a man who had time for everybody” - Eve say this isn’t correct, “no he didn’t”.

Bill “was truly a traditional man” - from Bill’s conversation with Eve about kinks, falling in love with many men and marrying his wife because he “really wanted a baby”, we know Bill was definitely not traditional

He continues to talk about Bill’s leadership and how he’d be lucky to “get a chocolate finger by lunch” because Bill “liked his biscuit Wednesdays” - again not appropriate and more of an insult than anything.

Not only does he get everything wrong but it was evident in S1E1, when Frank wasn’t invited to Bill’s birthday karaoke and Bill wanted to call Frank a “dick swab”, that they were not friends at all.

When we see Villanelle back in her apartment, she’s decorated with a big cake and balloons for Konstantin’s ‘birthday’. She did this big display to try to distract Konstantin from the fact that she had been “naughty” and gone against what he had ordered, and she did a similar thing in S1E1 when she asked him if he’d had a haircut.

The cake and balloons is also exactly what Anna said in S1E7, that Villanelle did for her after killing her husband, Max, she said “there were balloons everywhere and a huge cake and she was jumping around”. We can see that there is another parallel between these two moments; that Villanelle is pleased to have gotten rid of the person (Bill) who was standing in the way of her getting close to Eve, just as she got rid of Anna’s husband who was standing in the way of her getting closer to Anna.

We also get another example of Villanelle not just putting on a mask when shes in disguise, but her completely inhabiting whoever she’s disguising herself as. When they go into Villanelle’s bathroom to talk, Konstantin asks her “who are you?”, she says that she’s “Konstantin” but when he rips off her beard, she replies that she’s “Villanelle”. Konstantin knows he can’t speak to Villanelle properly until she’s fully out of character, which also serves to show Konstantin and Villanelle’s bond - he doesn’t just get angry with her, but instead he knows what she’s doing and goes along with the rules of her ‘game’

During Eve and Niko’s argument after Bill’s funeral about Eve being in danger at work, there’s a poster behind Niko in one of the shots. The poster seemed to be not only an odd choice of artwork for Eve and Niko’s to have in their house, but also that the poster is only in frame in one shot of Niko - right after Eve berates him saying, “I know you care. We all know you care. Sometimes I think it’s all you have”.

The artwork depicts a man inside a black bird/crow’s beak, trying to hold the bird’s beak open. This imagery seems fitting for this moment as Niko is like the man and Eve is like the bird, with Niko desperately trying to keep their life and marriage together and to not to get swallowed, but Eve ultimately ends up ‘consuming’ their marriage and crushing Niko along the way. The moment in the poster imagery though, is Niko not yet being ‘swallowed up’, as he gets by Season 3, but him still desperately trying to make their normal life work, cope with Eve’s behaviour and keep her safe.

After searching for the poster, I found that it’s a poster by the Polish artist Andrzej Pagowski for the 1985 Martin Scorsese film, ‘After Hours’. I’ve never seen the film myself but after googling it I found that the main character’s goal is just to return home despite a number of events happening through the night (just as Niko is just trying to fight for his life with Eve, despite Villanelle and all the danger she brings). The film also has a heavy theme of emasculation, which is also fitting as Eve essentially just emasculated Niko for showing his emotions of care and concern for her; where stereotypically men aren’t supposed to be vulnerable and show emotions, Eve has just insulted him for having and showing them.

When Eve goes to the butchers to meet with Carolyn, to tell Carolyn the evidence that Frank is the mole, there is a close up of a sheep statue that’s sitting outside the doorway of the shop. It’s this conversation that Eve has with Carolyn, that leads to Frank’s capture and questioning in the safe house. In this way, as soon as Eve and Carolyn have had their conversation, Frank has now become a ‘lamb for slaughter’. Eve says to Carolyn in S1E5 that Villanelle “took my phone it has the interview with Frank on it. And she’ll have the location of the safe house”. If Eve had never recorded the conversation they had with Frank at the safe house he may not have been killed as there was no proof that Frank told them anything about The Twelve and Villanelle also might not have been able to find the location of the safe house from Eve’s phone.

The sheep could also be symbolism referencing Frank being a ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’. Since Frank is the mole, he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing as he’s been collecting information from MI5 amongst those who trust him and giving that information to The Twelve.

The symbolism could also be that Eve is the ‘lamb for slaughter’, as she’s getting deeper and deeper into her investigation and this breakthrough with Frank is what leads Eve, and subsequently Villanelle, to finding out that an organisation called The Twelve even exists.

The sausages in the butchers counter also foreshadows Frank’s death and castration, as well as when we find about Anna’s husband’s death and castration later on.

Villanelle is now working with Diego and Nadia after she was told in S1E3 that she isn’t allowed to work alone anymore and she arrives “a bit late” because she stopped to “deliver a package”, which was delivering Eve’s suitcase to Eve’s house. She asks Diego is he checked the sights on the gun, he cockily replies that he used it to shoot a politician so it works, but Villanelle was right he should have checked the sights because when she tries to shoot Frank she misses.

When Nadia chose Villanelle by shooting Diego in their three way stand off, it’s not really surprising that Nadia chose Villanelle over Diego. Diego wasn’t just incredibly annoying and condescending; but we saw that Nadia still liked Villanelle as when Villanelle grabbed Nadia’s wrists before they went into ‘Frank’s house’, Nadia touched her wrist where Villanelle had just held them and looked over to Villanelle walking towards the house.

We can also see how much more Villanelle considers Eve to be “special” than both Anna and Nadia, both people who Villanelle had been in ‘relationships’ with. Unlike Anna and Nadia, Eve isn’t nearly as easily manipulated. Anna must have been fairly easy to persuade into a relationship (considering all the letters that were sent between her and Villanelle), despite her having a husband and Villanelle almost certainly being underage at the time (and even if Villanelle wasn’t underage the relationship was certainly inappropriate as Anna was Villanelle’s teacher and much older than her). Nadia also only needed a little bit of persuasion for her to kill Diego and choose Villanelle, despite the fact that Villanelle betrayed Nadia by taking her place as the person who The Twelve was going to break out from prison. Whereas Eve doesn’t fall for any of Villanelle’s manipulation but sees straight through it, like in S1E5 when Villanelle says she’s trapped and doesn’t want to kill anymore, Eve says what Villanelle is saying is “bullshit”. Eve stabbing Villanelle in S1E8 shocked Villanelle, but Villanelle later tells Gabriel in S2E1 she did “to show how much she cared”, as if admiring what Eve did and considering it an act of love that no one else has done for her.

After Villanelle has convinced Nadia to trust her and then runs her over with the van, the camera shots visually show us Villanelle’s skill as a manipulator and ability to turn the tables on a situation. When Villanelle first meets Diego and spots Nadia in the wing-mirror of the van, it is Nadia in the front seat looking behind her to Villanelle - Nadia is in the position of power and has Diego’s protection, so Villanelle is outnumbered if she were to try and kill them. Then when Villanelle is running Nadia over with the van, we now get a shot of Villanelle from the wing-mirror - now Villanelle is in the position of power, she has turned Nadia against Diego and tricked Nadia into trusting her.

You can read my previous Killing Eve posts here:-

First Introduction to Villanelle

First Introduction to Eve

S1, E1 - Nice Face

S1, E2 - I’ll Deal With Him Later

S1, E3 - Don’t I Know You?

S1, E5 - I Have a Thing about Bathrooms

S1, E6 - Take Me To The Hole!

S1, E7 - I Don’t Want to Be Free

S1, E8 - God, I’m Tired

S2, E1 - Do You Know How to Dispose of a Body?

S2, E2 - Nice and Neat

S2, E3 - The Hungry Caterpillar

S2, E4 - Desperate Times

S2, E5 - Smell Ya Later

S2, E6 - I Hope You Like Missionary!

S2, E7 - Wide Awake

S2, E8 - You’re Mine

S3, E1 - Slowly Slowly Catchy Monkey

S3, E2 - Management Sucks

S3, E3 - Meetings Have Biscuits

S3, E4 - Still Got It

S3, E5 - Are You From Pinner? [Part 1]

S3, E5 - Are You From Pinner? [Part 2]

S3, E6 - End of Game

S3, E7 - Beautiful Monster

S3, E8 - Are You Leading or Am I? [Part 1]

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[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who  cannot conceptualise  time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful  energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence.  So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have  now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and  although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.