#like i probably did better on this one than my 60 in finance but i know i shouldve done better

[backformores]

[vent tp pls ignore my insanity.]

[elvisabutler]

my baby's sure, his love's secure

summary: you want to trust that elvis cares. you want to trust that he'll take care of you but you're pretty sure you know better. elvis reminds you that he chose you to be his princess and that you deserve every bit of his love and every bit of his attention and money even if it's beginning to be in a little shorter supply. rating: m. pairing: austin!elvis ( 60's sde variation ) x female failed actress reader word count: 2329 warnings: sugar daddy/sugar baby dynamic. brief comparison of the reader to belle watling from gone with the wind with priscilla being a scarlett o'hara. a possible butchering of a southern accent for i fear it is hard to decide how to write one sometimes. oral ( f receiving ). mirror sex. no age difference implied, but sugar baby situations do end up leaning that way sometimes. elvis's money troubles. author's note: so welcome to my triple dip for day five: praise kink with sd elvis, specifically 60s austin elvis. so, @sassy-ahsoka-tano when i posted my list just missed out on getting this day and it went to jerry schilling which was fine we all loved that fic. however she had requested either sugar daddy austin or sugar daddy elvis. and i wrote sugar daddy austin the same day as the jerry piece but toyed with writing this one. finally settled on something i liked and well y'all get this. normal rules apply, imagine your brand of elvis, i did a weird mishmash of real ( mentioning stay away joe ) and austin for setting, but you choose, i'm not picky. hope y'all enjoy. and see i did say i was working on something else today.

Acting doesn't always pan out, that's one of the regrettable things you've realized over the years. For every Vivien Leigh and Ann Margret there is at least ten girls like you. It shouldn't be so heart wrenching when it happens but it had been your dream since all your mama and daddy could afford was a picture every few months. You had given it a nice go of it, gotten a few tiny tiny parts, nothing to write home about- and you didn't. Truly, if nothing else what your attempts at stardom had given you was Elvis. Though given might have been a strong word, his attention always split between you, the Colonel and the others. You could take his wife, that one came with the territory, you supposed, even though it made you feel a bit like the Belle Watling to her Scarlett O'Hara nowadays with your job and her making him seem oh so respectable. Poor Southern girls don't make good Hollywood wives for formerly poor white trash Southern boys, but sweet girls he found in the army apparently do. But it was the ones that weren't you or Priscilla that sometimes got to you. The film flings- the ones that shouldn't matter because Priscilla and you share his heart with his daughter. But Priscilla has a ring and a house and- you've got an apartment that you spend more money on than you ought to for someone who claims to have a good chunk of her life financed by The Elvis Presley.

Truth be told Vernon knows when he talks Graceland and Elvis Presley Enterprise finances that that he has to tell Priscilla just by virtue of her being Elvis's wife, but telling you? That shouldn't be a thing and yet- and yet you're the second call. You're the one having Vernon pour over every expenditure in your kitchen to see if there's anything Priscilla and him missed. There isn't and you know that means that Elvis's finances are as bad as they looked at first glance. You hear Vernon murmuring about not being able to pay security and having to sell a horse or several to cover the costs of Graceland and your apartment and you wave him off.

"Don't worry 'bout the apartment, Vernon- I'm- I can pay for my own apartment. One less thing, you can probably keep at least one o'the horses. Don't need security, either." You'd like it, after all it wasn't exactly a secret that you were Elvis Presley's sugar baby but you also would prefer Elvis to be able to not worry about Graceland getting overrun by overzealous fans or Elvis himself being overrun by them. Sacrifices had to be made, besides, you could handle yourself. You can handle bits of yourself that he's been handling when his films were doing well.

It's another week before you get the opportunity to visit him on set, you think the film is called Stay Away, Joe, and while you're willing to look past a lot of things when it comes to Elvis, the look he has while on set isn't necessarily one of them. You have to bite back a laugh when you see him for the first time and when he hears the laughter, he turns, looking like he's about to tear into whoever is laughing before his face softens, realizing it's you. He motions for you to head to his trailer with a tilt of his head that he can easily play off as just twitching on camera.

You would prefer to immediately talk to and see him but as always the universe has other plans. Elvis leaves you hanging for a good twenty minutes before finally making his way into the trailer, a smile on his face that lights up the air around him before it dims just a little bit at seeing the dress you have on. Once inside he pulls you close to him and moves his finger around a simple signal to get you to twirl which you readily oblige him with.

"Look at you, dressin' up in that pretty little dress that I know I didn't buy ya." He plays with the strap humming as he does, not sliding it down but just running the fabric through his fingers. "Tryin' to show me I don't need to spoil ya? Tryin' to show me ya don't need a diamond necklace on that pretty neck of yours?"

You nod slowly, licking your lips as your stance straightens up. "You don't need to be havin' a sugah baby who can take of herself. Still got my job, Daddy."

His laugh almost confuses you before you realize that he's doing it purely because he thinks what you said is the most hilarious thing. "Ever think that's why I let ya keep it? Hate the damn thing but- it's serving its purpose now. Keepin' you above water while I'm tryin' to get you everythin' and get things sorted. It's keepin' ya from finding someone else in this town. Don't realize how many of 'em want ya. Don't realize how I gotta hear the whispers."

You swallow and lean forward a little, your body moving almost on instinct. "What kinda whispers?"

"'Bout how they all wish you had caught on in the movies. How they wish you were their leading lady or their darlin'." His hand moves to push down the strap of your dress, kissing your shoulder blade as he does. "'Bout how I've got this gorgeous woman in my bed. Bein' my baby."

A hum escapes your lip as you sigh, tilting your neck to the side to expose it for more access. "Your favorite baby?"

The answer is obvious, you know it is and so does Elvis but he catches on with what you want with a smirk, pulling down the other strap of your dress as he continues to kiss your neck, "Ain't another girl who can make m'feel like you do. 'Cilla- She's pretty close but you know how perfect I think ya are. Brilliant ya are, havin' that head for numbers I never got."

Your eyes move to the mirror, eyeing your reflection and shivering just a tad. You can see the look of pleasure starting to seep into your eyes, see how your chest is starting to rise and fall just a little bit quicker than it had been. "Haven't had that much time f'me, Daddy. Been making me take care of myself. Makes a girl think ya don't want her."

Perhaps you shouldn't poke the bear like that but it's true, you've been feeling pretty neglected, feeling like he doesn't want you, that he's tired of you because all you really are beyond the occasional- okay, relatively frequent- reassurances that you're a bit more, is a sugar baby, one who holds a bit more power than most you figure, but you are not his wife and you are not his girlfriend. You're someone he spoils in exchange for your company and well, neither one of you had been holding up your end of the bargain.

Elvis can't help but raise a brow at you and purse his lips. There's a part of him that wants to argue, wants to tell you that no one told you that you had to take care of yourself, that he was fine paying for part of the apartment but he knows that you're right. That he's been so busy trying to balance keeping everyone happy and fed and comfortable that he forgot about you. Forgot about one of three people he should care about the most. Instead he hums and starts to sink to his knees. You hands find purchase in his hair, trying to pull him back up with you own raised brow. "What're ya doing, 'Vis?"

"Makin' sure my girl knows how much I want her." He answers like it's the most obvious thing in the world as he starts to bunch up your dress, exposing your underwear clad cunt to his eyes. You're a little embarrassed that despite the fact that Elvis has barely touched you that your panties are slowly becoming soaked. You figure that it's just his effect on people but then you realize that maybe it's because you've missed his touch. You're so enraptured in looking at him that you don't register that he's still talking. "Look in the mirror, darlin'."

A response back, a retort back is on your tongue, you weren't going to look at him while he did whatever he planned on doing but you want to see what he's planning for once so you look at him through the mirror only to see him grin. "That's m'good girl. M'sugar."

The shiver that goes through your body, the way you clench around nothing at those words as you see his eyes boring into you through the mirror. It's nothing you haven't seen before but there's something different about hearing him say those words and looking at you like that reflected at you. His fingers hook under your underwear, slowly pulling it down as he groans seeing your wet cunt exposed. "Soaked for me already. So responsive, best at giving me what I want to see. Not like 'Cilla but in another way. Always so wet for me. So ready for me to do whatever I want." His tongue darts out to lick his lips before he leans down, placing a kiss to the outer lips of your cunt. A whimper leaves your lips against your will, earning a small chuckle from him. "Make the noises, darlin'. Sing like a pretty bird. Sing like Ann did for me."

Your lip curls up into a bit of a snarl that doesn't even get out of your mouth before you feel Elvis's tongue between your folds giving you little kitten licks. You figure he wants you to keep your eyes on the mirror, because you've done something similar to this once before and that was the rule, no taking your eyes off of you and him. You had broken it then but now, but now knowing that he's giving you attention you've been craving, that praises seem to be falling off his lips so easily, you can't help but force yourself to keep staring.

You can hear him murmuring against your clit and against your cunt in general. The words are slightly drowned out a bit by your own sighs and whimpers and murmurs of his name but you still catch them just by virtue of being so intune to his voice. "My gorgeous woman, my head strong woman. Always wantin' t'make sure I'm takin' care of. Don't need me but ya let me keep ya. Let me spoil ya when I can. Deserve everythin' I wanna give ya. Deserve to have a palace. Deserve to have ya own Graceland."

Your hand that's been in his hair has been trying to control how his tongue moves against your clit and how his nose brushes up against it when he moves to your cunt, the noise of your arousal making an almost sickening squishing noise. That hand tightens its grip as he starts to fuck you with his tongue, seemingly wanting to bring you to orgasm before he heaps any more praise on you, any more promises of what he wants to give you. You're not complaining, in fact, as you watch yourself you see the pleasure he's bringing you written on your face. Written in how your mouth stays open, noises erupting from it with no way to stop them. You want to pull his mouth away from your cunt and your clit but then he nips at your clit, a sensation you hate normally but in this moment you swear you see white. The urge to tilt your head back, to look up to the sky as if to pray for forgiveness for how hard you're orgasming is but you force yourself to stay looking at Elvis between your legs. Your legs are shaking just a bit and as Elvis pulls away you can see a smile on his lips. You want to taste yourself on him but he won't let you pull him up to your face just yet.

"You kept looking." It's not a question, it's a statement from Elvis as he looks into the mirror and a new burst of arousal starts to unfurl in your abdomen. "And you made all those pretty noises."

You nod slowly. "I did. Did I do good?"

His fingers move play with you, fingers slipping in between your folds with ease and earning a hiss and a low groan from you. "You did great. Did exactly what I asked you to do. You don't always but when it matters you do. And even when you don't- it's for a good reason. Like you making sure my other two girls are protected. Makin' sure I can keep the house I bought for my mama."

It's then that you have to shut your eyes, the fact that he's praising you for making the sacrifice making you a bit more emotional than you expected. You hear him sigh, feel him kiss your thigh before he speaks again. "I'm gonna get you set up again soon enough, promise, darlin'. Gonna make sure you get your reward beyond this."

"You promise?" Your voice is softer than normal but you know he can hear it. "I'll actually have ya payin' for the apartment again?"

"The apartment, every single dress, every bit of jewelry. Maybe even that new car I know you've been eyein'." Each word is punctuated by a kiss before he stops and looks up at you. "Let me give you more of a reward right now? And I'll be by the apartment tonight?"

You pull him up for a kiss. "I guess I can. Just as long as ya keep tellin' me what a good girl I am. Only the best girl for you."

[daughters-of-liberty]

Isn't it more traditional that the wife takes care of the finances? So she has an easier time accounting for house bills, food bills, etc. She is the one getting in contact with how much these things cost and has therefore a better idea how to budget for them. But small changes to this would make sense if let's say one of the two is worse with numbers. But maybe that's more of an old old school thing, all grandmas here were the finance ladies. Doesn't matter as long as both support each other <3

I definitely think it does depend on who's the better math person. My husband is gonna be in charge of finances once I finally make the move to being stay-at-home, because 1) he's better at numbers than I am, and 2) I do have a pretty bad shopping addiction, ngl. I'm working on it. But I'll probably still be the one to say "hey, we need to dole out some money to fix the dishwasher" or "hey, the car payment is gonna come out on tuesday", etc.

Meanwhile, for example, my mother took care of finances, just because it was one less thing my busy father had to worry about. This brought about it's own issues, as she also has a bad shopping habit (apple doesn't fall far from the tree), and that did come back to bite us occasionally.

So I guess it really depends on people's strong suits. I knew a couple where the woman was high-powered, couldn't sit still, had to be on her feet constantly, and the husband was more easy going, had anxiety, didn't like being around people, was very detail-oriented and organized, and a far better cook than her. So he was the one who stayed home, while she worked like 60 hours a week. And that worked for them. They didn't end up having kids, but if they had, he would've happily been the stay-at-home dad, and she probably would've been happy to go straight back to work after having a baby.

Hell, my own husband has mentioned it being nice to be a stay-at-home dad. But because he knows me (lol, I am NOT made for social interactions), he's perfectly happy stepping up, doing the really hard part and providing for me and our future children. But if I was more career-driven, he probably would've been happy being the stay-at-home spouse. And that would've been fine.

Put your aces in their spaces!

[mellometal]

ATTENTION: This is some recent information about the current events with Chris Chan that I've been able to find, plus additional information that I couldn't find anything on that is now public knowledge.

ALL videos about any updates will be linked so you can watch them for yourself, if you wish.

Again, OBLIGATORY trigger warning: This post will be going into very sensitive subject matter, including r@p3, s3xual assault, elder abuse, and inc3st. I will also be mentioning the site Kîwî F@rm$ and the person who runs it (Null). DON'T go onto Kîwî F@rm$. Just stay away from there. It's like 4chan (another site full of REALLY fucked up shit, depending on which forum you go to), but worse.

If anything I mentioned is triggering for you or makes you otherwise uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. It's not worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. Take care of yourself, please. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

ALRIGHTY, LET'S GET TO IT. Because there's quite a lot of bullshit that happened since the first post I made about the current events. And some more information that will most likely be the nail in the coffin for Chris. I'm patiently waiting for more updates as they come and I'll share them here as soon as possible.

The person Chris was in a call with was revealed to be a troll under the name "Bella". The screenshots of messages and the audio from the call have all been confirmed to be real.

It's also been revealed that Chris confided in Null about her having a girlfriend, having s3x with her, all that. Here's a list of things to describe this "girlfriend" below, which I will compare to Barbara in bold:

This woman is "in her over fifties". (Barbara is eighty years old. Most people would assume that someone's in their late fifties when this terminology is used. Eighty is well over fifty.)

Her favorite person was the late Adam West in the 60s, as it was "for her son back then". (I don't know if Chris is referring to her half-brother Cole Smithey [he does movie reviews, and he's most famous for being one of the only people to give Toy Story 3 a negative review] here, or if she's referring to herself before she came out as trans. I'm adding this here anyway.)

Chris has known this woman "for a long time", offline and in-person. (OBVIOUSLY she's known Barbara her whole life, since she's, AGAIN, HER MOTHER! DUH.)

They've been having s3x "every three nights". (Like how Chris admitted to doing to her defenseless mother. PRETTY FUCKING FISHY, IF YOU ASK ME.)

They began having s3x on June 27th. (The same day that Chris admitted to doing to Barbara.)

This woman was an accountant when she was younger. (Barbara's job was EXACTLY this.)

Chris said she feels grateful to "enlighten" her girlfriend with s3x play that she (the woman) "missed from even her exes". (I didn't mention this in my initial post, but if you chose to watch the videos that were linked, Chris mentioned that Barbara's boyfriends and ex-husbands "have never been able to make her 0rg@$m" like Chris did. SHE EVEN MENTIONED HER LATE FATHER. THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING AND DISRESPECTFUL.)

Chris has been "keeping her girlfriend safe" too. (She had been "taking care of Barbara" since Bob, her late father, passed away. This right here is proof alone that she was talking about HER MOM!)

Her girlfriend "didn't want to do it at first", it was "very painful" for Chris's girlfriend in the beginning, and it took a few tries for them "to get going". This included Chris doing it FOR her because she thought her girlfriend would "feel better" due to her lack of mobility and lucidity. (Chris said all of this exact stuff TO "BELLA" during their call.)

Null initially thought that Chris was lying about sleeping with her mother to cover up the fact that she had a girlfriend and having s3x with her. Why? Because apparently people would believe Chris would have s3x with her mother than some other unknown woman. Chris told Null to keep her girlfriend's identity secret because she was afraid her girlfriend would get trolled and she'd end up losing her.

What Null realized was that what Chris told him completely matched the description of Barbara. Note that before he looked into this, he was unaware of the context Chris was giving him about her "girlfriend".

It's extremely possible now that Chris admitted to s3xually assaulting Barbara to Null and "Bella", but she wanted Null to keep it confidential. Chris wanted NULL to keep the fact that she admitted to committing a VERY serious crime A SECRET.

If Chris WAS actually lying, she'd use a lot more CWCisms (her own phrases) or say that she was "using her psychic powers" to have s3x with Barbara's fictional counterpart in another dimension. But no, Chris was VERY straightforward and talked about it casually like if you were to talk about the weather.

Chris, according to Null, slept in a parking lot in her car the other night. At least for a few hours, though I don't remember where the FUCK else she slept (maybe a hotel room eventually), considering she had -$200 in her bank account. I believe some people who are in contact with Chris sent her some money to get food too.

Null revealed that he set up a GoFundMe previously for Chris to attend a Brony convention, which was a test to see how Chris would be able to handle commissions. The GFM was successful, to say the least. Chris fulfilled commissions successfully, DESPITE NOT WORKING ON THE FUCKING COMIC. Y'KNOW, THE THING SHE'S PAID FOR ON PATREON TO DO!

Well, due to recent events, he has since taken down the GFM and is refunding all the money to all the donors. He was debating on sending Chris money (the GFM money, since Chris isn't able to go to the Brony convention), but he decided not to do so. He told Chris to sleep in her car, spend the night under the stars, and reflect on her current situation until the morning, when Null would help her find a temporary roof over her head until August 5th.

Barbara tightly manages Chris's finances. Those are Null's words, not mine. You want to know why Barbara's been having trouble with the house and shit? CHRIS HAS BEEN STEALING MONEY FROM HER FOR YEARS. HER CREDIT IS ALL SORTS OF FUCKED, SHE'S BURIED IN DEBT, AND IT'S CHRIS'S FAULT. THE PERSON WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF HER.

How did we find out about Chris recently getting more money, specifically $750? Well, Null has had access to Chris's emails for the past few years (Chris knows this), and he found an email that Barbara had sent Chris money.

That's a violation of the EPO (Emergency Protective Order) that was put into affect for Barbara. Chris was NOT supposed to contact Barbara in ANY way, shape or form.

Null asked Chris about this and told her that this was a violation of the EPO. He asked her if her mom sent her money. Chris denied it at first, and then went into the whole goddess bullshit she goes into. She then admitted to accessing Barbara's banking account online and wiring the $750 to HER account. Chris also said that she'd pay her back the $750 after receiving the $1000 that Null was supposed to send to Chris. Null was obviously upset with what Chris had done. Who wouldn't be?

Guess what Null did in reaction to what Chris told him? HE BLOCKED CHRIS AND REPORTED HER TO THE POLICE. I'm honestly surprised he stuck with her this long. He genuinely wanted to see Chris become a better person.

It's only a matter of time for Chris's arrest. With all this information that's out there now, more information probably coming very soon, plus people close to Chris confirming all of this....I feel it's safe for me to say that Chris did s3xually assault her mother.

I don't feel bad for Chris anymore. I have no sympathy for Chris. Any ounce of respect for this person has been long since gone. I don't feel comfortable even referring to Chris as a person. She's a monster.

I talked about Chris a few times a few years ago on Instagram, and I got yelled at for tearing this motherfucker apart. Because apparently I was an "ableist bully" for having my grievances with Chris, despite the fact that I'm autistic too and I've never "bullied" Chris for being autistic. Not even once. My grievances had more to do with Chris using her mother and their animals to exploit them for her own monetary gain INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIND A JOB. I've even tried to suggest that she go work through a temporary work industry and get paid daily. (At that time, I didn't know that trying to interact with Chris wasn't a very good idea. I've since learned, obviously.)

Here's a link to Gibi's video:

Dillon Thomas's video:

The stream with Null:

Geno Samuel's stream:

Here's Rogue's video and live stream he did about the situation. Rogue is one of my FAVORITE YouTubers, as edgy as his content is.:

Thank you for your time.

[americasmarauders]

I Had a Dream--Jason ToddxReader.

Summary: She dreamed about him once. And then he appeared in front of her and she just couldn’t believe it. 

words: 9,756

author’s note: so, here it is. the last of this year. this one is special. it’s based on a dream i had with a guy I went to middle school with. I mentioned it on the group chat and @batarella​ said this sounds like a fic, write it. and so I did. It’s immensely personal. Basically reader is me, the friends I mention are my actual friends and the coversations with the therapist are vaguely based on conversations I had with my own therapist (specially the first one). I hope y’all like it. I had a blast writing it. Special thanks to my best friend Julia and @offendedfishnoises​ for proofreading it. Also thanks to every one in the group chat who cheared me on and made me finish this monster. 

don’t forget to check out my jason playlist here. also. please reblog so more people can see the fic :)

#

“I just haven’t had the opportunity to be in love, I guess,” she explained, her psychologist writing stuff she had said down. 

          “Is that so?” the therapist lifted her eyes, her eyebrows shot up in confusion. 

          “Yeah,” she shrugged. 

          “‘Cause the way I see it is you’ve never allowed yourself to fall in love,” the therapist commented. 

          She felt heat coming to her cheeks and tears rise in her eyes. “No, no, that’s not like that,” she whispered, refusing to admit that her psychologist was right. 

          The therapist let out a small sigh. “Have you had crushes when you were a kid?”

          She shook her head. “The boys weren’t that nice and…” she drifted off, thinking of a couple of crushes she might have developed when she was a young teen. “No boys were interested in me.”

          “I find that hard to believe, Y/N,” the therapist said. “Let’s think of it this way: were there any boys who picked on you?”

          She snorted. “Plenty,” she responded. “I wasn’t exactly popular in middle school,” she shrugged. 

          “Yes, yes, I remember,” the psychologist said. 

          “There was one boy that used to run around recess calling me a weird nickname he had for me: peanut.”

          “That’s not weird,” the therapist pondered. 

          “It is when you’re 13 and you love eating packed peanuts in recess,” she countered. 

          “Well, this boy did you like him?” the therapist asked. 

            “Yeah, he was nice,” she omitted that she had a crush on him in ninth grade before she left the school and never saw him again. “He was one of the few boys that talked to me without wanting me to help him with his homework or anything.

            “I remember one day in eight grade he stopped to talk to me before class but I was kinda rude to him and he never really talked to me again,” she shrugged. 

            “Why?” the psychologist quizzed.

            “I thought he wanted something out of me,” she sniffed, brushing a strand of her hair out of her face. “They all wanted something out of me. It was safe to assume, I guess.”

            “You scared the boy away, Y/N,” the therapist said kindly. “I think that boy liked you,” she finished. 

            “No, no, Todd, he--” she shook her head negatively, “he was kinda popular, I was a nobody. He didn’t like me.”

            “He liked you, Y/N.”

#

#

#

That conversation stayed in her head for days. The words of her therapist echoing in her head. You scared the boy away. The truth was: she had scared the boy away. It was heartbreaking to think that she could have had what she wanted, a romance, someone to hold and to be held by. Instead she was alone, an adult who had never even dated anyone for that matter. 

          It wasn’t just that boy from middle school. It was every boy that ever tried getting too close to her. It would be comical if it wasn’t so tragic. A romantic at heart, completely alone. Thank god she had her friends. 

          She hadn’t thought about Jason Todd in years. He hadn’t so much as graced her thoughts since she last saw him in ninth grade. Then she dreamt of him. And things started to change. 

          In her dreams she was his girlfriend. He was loving, he would caress her delicately, look into her eyes lovingly as if he was seeing the whole world in her eyes. He would kiss her tenderly, she could feel his lips when she woke up. 

          He had gotten so big in her dreams, even more handsome than he was when he was 15. Jason was a lanky and tiny kid, but somehow her brain imagined him tall--very tall--and very muscular. His eyes were green, and not the blue she remembered. He looked beautiful and waking up after the dream, she could feel her heart race. 

          After she dreamed about him the first time, she dismissed it. It was her brain making weird connections, it made sense: she had talked about her pseudo-love life and about him that week. But after the second dream she knew there was something wrong. 

          She decided to look him up on the internet. What appeared wasn’t something she liked. 

          News coverage about how he had died mysteriously. ‘Adopted son of Bruce Wayne dies at age 16.’ She couldn’t help but tear up a bit on those headlines. The most recent ones though reported him being wrongfully declared dead and how he was estranged from his family. It even showed a couple of pictures of him and she was surprised to see her dreams were not very far off.

          Other than a couple of tabloid headlines, there was no trace of this guy on the internet. He was almost a ghost story, and  she felt her heart beating faster in anxiety. She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pity for him. 

          She otherwise forgot about him--other than the occasional thought about what if that would cross her mind. That is, until she literally stumbled into him. 

#

#

#

A part time job to help with the finances, that’s what working in the bookshop was supposed to be. It would help pay tuition and her insurance. Her parents had said that she didn’t need to do it, they could pay and it wouldn’t even make a dent in their bank account. But it wasn’t for them, it was for herself, a sense of achievement. 

          It was supposed to be just that. No meet cutes, no falling in love in a bookshop, just boring old work. Work for half of the afternoon, close up, get her salary and move on with her life. 

          The shop was quiet that day. No one had come in to buy or even browse anything. It didn’t really bother her. She occupied herself with other things: homework, studying, drawing, texting her friends, the list was endless. She was so engrossed in her drawing, she didn’t even hear the bell ringing and the door opening. 

          She heard someone clear their throat and she looked up from her drawing to meet their eyes. She gaped a bit as she met his gaze, intense blue eyes meeting hers. She closed her mouth quickly, trying to cover the fact that she was clearly staring at him. The gods must be really enjoying themselves playing with her life like that. Of course, she thought, of course that he would fucking appear in her life like that: out of nowhere. The one day she had a calm evening and Jason Todd, the guy who was haunting her dreams and thoughts like a ghost, appears. 

          “May I help you?” she asked, professionally, ignoring her racing heart and the anxiety increasing in the pit of her stomach. 

          “Yes,” he replied. “I’m lookin’ for the complete H.P. Lovecraft collection. I stopped by the other day and a guy separated it for me,” he explained. His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion, and she hoped that he hadn’t recognized her. 

          “Oh,” she said. “Wait a moment, I’ll check if it’s in the back.”

          She walked controlled, to mask the fact that she wanted to run out of that place as fast as she could. 

          She closed the inventory door and leaned her back against it. She breathed heavily, trying to calm herself. It was only a guy, she had talked to plenty of guys before. She calmed herself down, steadying her breathing. 

          She glanced around the shelves looking for his book. The sooner she ended this the better. She could move on with her life without his face haunting her. She found the book (almost like a brick). She got it and took a deep breath before stepping out of the inventory and calmly walking to the front desk. 

          He stood there calmly , his eyes glancing around the shop. He had picked another book to buy, something significantly smaller than Lovecraft's collection.  She itched to see what  it was, before catching herself and stopping her curiosity. She couldn't get attached, even if just a little bit. 

          "Here," she said, resting the book on the counter. She smiled at him kindly, her hand open for the book resting in his hands. He handed it to her, confusion plastered on his face.

          "It's 60 dollars," she stated, calmly and controlled. 

          He handed her the money. She accepted it and packed his books neatly. He clocked her moves as she did so, she felt a bit uncomfortable under his gaze. 

          "I'm sorry, do I know you?" He asked. "I feel like I know you."

          She gulped imperceptibly. So he had recognized her. Goddammit. "I don't think so," she replied, hesitant on whether or not he would see right through her lie. 

          He hummed. His eyes then  shifted down to her name tag, and she knew he had put the pieces together. "Did we go to school together?" He insisted. 

          She smiled tightly. "I don't know, probably," she shrugged. "I went to a pretty big school, there were a lot of people there," a lie. Gotham Academy was big, but it was nowhere near as big as she made it sound. It was the kind of school where you knew everyone, even if you had never talked to them. 

          He smiled at her coyly, sensing her awkwardness. Maybe it was just that that made him finally remember her, or maybe not. Either way she did not like that he indeed recognized her fully. "I remember you," he trailed off. "We had English together," he stated. 

          She pretended to search her memory for him. She couldn't give away that just days before she had dreamed about him yet again. How pathetic, dreaming about a boy from middle school. "Oh yeah," she dragged. "Jason, right?"

          "That's me," he whispered. "I thought you had moved."

          She smiled, it was cute that he remembered enough of her to know that she didn't stay in Gotham for a couple of years. "I did move," she explained. "I came back for college."

          "Why?" He asked, confused by her statement. "Gotham is a shit city, you should've stayed elsewhere."

          She tried not to take offense to it. "It has its appeal," she shrugged. "Besides the science program in Gotham U is very good, it was the best move."

          Jason smirked. "Science huh?"

          "Yeah," she breathed out. She slid the package to him, a sign that she maybe was done talking. 

          Thank the gods his phone rang. She couldn't handle anymore of that. She averted  her attention once more to her drawing, his voice talking angrily on the phone only a background noise to her. "I gotta go," he said and her eyes went back to him. "It was good seeing you, Y/N."

          She tried not to notice how her heart picked up the pace at the sound of her name leaving his lips. "You too," she smiled shyly and he left the store, the bell ringing as he closed the door and her mind plagued by the image of him. 

#

#

#

If she thought Jason Todd had plagued her mind and dreams before she had seen him at the bookshop, now he was downright living in her head rent free. She just couldn’t get him out of her mind. The dreams about him, the ones where she would be tenderly loved by him, were getting more frequent and more intense. When she woke up, she would still feel his arms around her and an emptiness would settle in her chest. 

          Why did it have to happen to her? She just wanted to go through life unnoticed, why did the gods have to pull this prank on her?

          She huffed as she closed the shop, the sky already dark enough to be considered dangerous to stay out. It was only a couple of blocks to her car, she could get through the walk unscathed, she had done it before. 

          But then again, it seemed that Fate had it out for her. 

          She could feel someone following her the moment she had left the shop. The looming presence of a threat made her hyper aware of everything, her heart beating out of her chest. She tried to think of ways to lose the guy--she assumed it was a guy, it usually was--but her mind came blank. She thought in passage if her friends would miss her, who would contact them if she were to die. She shook the thought quickly out of her head and hastened her pace. 

          But the guy gained on her, and as soon as she could blink, she felt his arm snake around her neck. She gasped for air desperately, clawing at his arm trying to take it off. It was then that she felt a cold metal press against her back. A gun. She felt the tears coming to her eyes. If the guy were to pull the trigger, the best case scenario was she wouldn’t be able to move her limbs anymore. The worst, well, who would tell her friends she had died in a robbery?

          “Give me your bag,” the guy--now confirmed for his gruff and raspy voice--whispered in her ear.

          “Please, take it,” she begged. “Don’t hurt me.”

          She heard the guy scoff as he pressed the gun further on her back. She whimpered. “We’ll see about that,” he said, his voice laced with malice.

          It was then she heard a loud bang coming from behind her. She thought the guy had pulled the trigger, and she was ready to feel the wetness of her blood sipping through her clothes. Instead, all she felt was a splash on her shoulder and his grip on her loosening considerably. The guy had fallen to the ground behind her, clutching his shoulder and screaming in pain. She turned around to see him and a pool of his own blood forming beneath him. She was paralyzed in fear of the sight.  

          “The police’re on their way,” a distorted voice sounded. She looked up and found a massive man, standing menacingly on top of the thieves body. His red helmet glinted in the moon’s glow. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said softly. 

          She breathed out. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I--I--,” she teared up again, “I would’ve died. You saved my life.”

          “It’s what I do,” he shrugged. “I’ll walk you.”

          “How about the…” she pointed towards the guy laying on the floor in pain.

          “If he wants to live to see another day, he’ll stay exactly where he is,” he said, his voice serious and threatening. 

          “Shouldn’t I give the police a statement?” she whispered. 

          She swore she heard a chuckle of amusement through the voice disruptor he had in his helmet. “I have a video to prove he was tryin’ to rob you, you don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna,” he explained softly. “So, wanna lead the way?”

          She looked down at her feet, nervous to look at him. She nodded and started to walk once again towards her car. He walked behind her respectfully, and she felt the difference between him and the robber. He wasn’t trying to get something out of her, and his large physique felt like there was a literal wall following her to her car. 

          It was a blink till she got to her car. Her hand rested on the door handle and she gave a deep breath, trying desperately to calm herself, trying to remember the breathing exercises her psychologist had taught her. She opened her mouth to say something to the Red Hood, her eyes searching for him next to her. 

          But he was gone. And what was left was just the memory of him in her mind. 

#

#

#

“So how was your week?” her psychologist asked, sitting on her armchair, Y/N sitting cross-legged in front of her. 

          “Crazy,” she rolled her eyes in disbelief, her mouth quirking in a weird shape. “So much stuff happened.”

          “Oh do tell,” the psychologist urged her. 

          She sighed, thinking where to begin. “Well, you remember the boy I told you about?”

          “Yes, Jason wasn’t it?”

          “Yep,” she popped. “He showed up at the store the other day.”

          “You’re kidding.”

          “I wish I was, honestly,” she replied breathily. “I didn’t even realize he had come in.”

          “No way,” her therapist responded in disbelief. She seemed invested in the pranks the fates were pulling on her patient.

          “I was too invested in my drawing, mind you,” she smiled. “It’s been weeks since I’ve done a decent piece of scribble so I was excited.”

          “Yes, yes right,” her therapist acknowledged. “And how about Jason? Did you talk to him?”

          “Briefly,” she responded. “I was hoping he wouldn’t recognize me, but he did.” 

          “What did he say?” she quizzed, making notes on her paper. 

          “He asked if he knew me, which I denied at first,” her psychologist looked at her angrily and she shrugged. “Then he finally placed me and asked what I was doing in Gotham. I answered, said I was in college. He said I should’ve stayed elsewhere ‘cause Gotham apparently sucks.”

          “He isn’t wrong,” her therapist pondered. 

          “He isn’t but I like Gotham,” she shrugged once again. 

          “Did you get his number?” her therapist quizzed her. 

          “Nope,” she denied. “He left pretty quickly.”

          “Why don’t I believe that?” the psychologist smiled. 

          “It’s true!” she laughed. “He answered a phone call, got angry at something I didn’t really understand and left pretty quickly.”

          The therapist hummed. “You think you’ll see him again?”

          “I don’t know,” she sniffed. “He got pretty big books when he appeared, I think it’ll be a while before he needs another.”

          “You never know,” she conceded. “What if he does? Do you imagine what you would do?”

          “I mean,” she trailed off, “what I want to do is talk to him and maybe ask for his number,” she finished coyly. “What I will do is be very weird and awkward and scare him off.”

          “Y/N,” the therapist warned. “We’ve talked about this.”

          “I know, I know,” she waved off. “I won’t do it. I’ll try to be friendly.”

            “Good. What else happened this week?”

          “Almost died,” she swallowed, nervously, “quite literally, I’m afraid.”

          “What?”

          “Was leaving the store, it was pretty early in the night, I think. And a guy got me by the neck and pressed his gun to my spine,” she recounted quietly. “I thought I would die.”

          “But you didn’t,” her therapist comforted her. “What happened after?”

          “The Red Hood showed up,” she sniffed. “Shot the guy in the shoulder and then knocked him out.”

          “When did that happen?” her therapist’s voice was filled with worry.

          “2 days ago,” she replied quietly. 

          “I’m so sorry this happened to you,” the psychologist cooed. “Are you alright?”

          “I’m okay,” she nodded, her eyes filled with tears that did not dare to spill. “The Red Hood was very gentle, he walked me to my car and made sure I was safe.”

          “Uhum,” the therapist hummed, jotting down something. She always wondered what her therapist wrote down about her, but maybe it was for the best that she didn’t know what was written down. 

          “I did some research on him afterwards,” she diverted the subject out of her. “Turns out he’s very famous for protecting street kids.”

          “Is that so?” 

          “Yeah,” she nodded enthusiastically. “There’s a couple of stories going around social media of people who witnessed him, you know…” she trailed off. “He seems to look out for people in poorer neighborhoods. Like Crime Alley. He seems very active there,” she added.

          “I didn’t know that,” the psychologist said. 

          “Yeah, you’d get mistaken by the bat symbol on his chest, but there’s very few reports of him getting involved in Batman-esque adventures.”

          Her therapist laughed. “And what might those be?”

          “You know,” she shrugged. “Aliens, psycho-clowns, riddles, those kinds of stuff. Although there are a couple of people that said he did have a crazy huge fight with Black Mask once, there doesn’t seem to be any other. If there is, he sure made a good job hiding it.”

          “You seem very excited about this Red Hood,” the therapist noted. 

          “He was nice,” she shrugged once more. “And I’m thankful he does what he does. I wouldn’t be here if he didn’t,” she added quietly. “Literally.”

          “Well, then we got to make sure you live your best life after this second chance you got granted.”

#

#

#

As soon as the words ‘what if you see him again’ left her therapist’s mouth, she knew she would see Jason Todd again. Because the Universe was out for her like that. It was only a matter of when. 

          Turns out ‘when’ was a week later after the first time she saw him. She concluded he was either a hoarder or a very fast reader. She hoped it would be the latter. 

          This time, she was paying attention. She was organizing the shelves calmly, and as odd as it seemed, that was the best part of her job. It eased her anxiety to know everything was where it was supposed to be.

          She jumped at the sound of the bell, her heart beating faster and her mind racing at the worst case scenarios. But it was just him. And she was entirely relieved that it was just Jason. She settled the book that was about to go on the shelf--‘there you go Little Women, back to where you belong’--and got out from behind her hiding spot. “Hey, Jason,” she said and his eyes found hers. 

          He opened a smile that knocked the air out of her. “Oh hey,” he breathed out. 

        She swallowed her nerves down. She would make her therapist proud, goddammit. “How can I help you?” she asked, opening a smile she hoped it was charming. 

        “I finished the books I bought the other day,” he said, his face a tad bit nervous. Did she make him nervous? “Do you have any recommendations?” he finished, his hands shoved in his pockets, shifting his weight slightly. 

        “It depends what you’re looking for,” she trailed off, returning to behind the shelves. Her fingers trailed lightly over the spine of the books she had just organized. She heard him walk behind her accompanying her to wherever she intended to go. “What are you looking for?” she turned around to see him, and saw him gulp nervously. 

        “Romance,” he blurted out. “How about a romance?”

        “Ummm,” she hummed, her eyes once more trailing over the spines of the books. “A love story or a real romantic type of book? You know with loads of self pity and drama. Or maybe just a very long and nice novel?”

        He laughed airly. “Surprise me,” he teased, and it seemed all his nerves were gone. 

        She smirked. “Okay then.” She pulled a book off the shelf. It wasn’t a big book, it couldn’t be longer than 300 pages. She gave it to him. “Epitaph of a Small Winner,” she said. “A romance, a realist one but nevertheless a romance.”

        He grabbed the book, looking tiny in his big hands. His fingers tracing the title delicately. “What is it about?”

        “A dead person narrating their life and reflecting upon it,” she shrugged. “A very interesting read indeed, but you’d have to do a bit of research. It’s set in 1880s Brazil.”

        “I’m okay with that,” he smiled looking at her. “Any more recs?”

        “Not for now,” she smirked. “How else am I going to have you come back if I give all my recommendations at once?”

        His smile faltered for a split second before taking permanent residence on his face. “Who’s to say I wouldn’t come back even if you did give me all your recommendations?”

        She was left speechless. She felt heat coming up to her cheeks and he looked somewhat proud he left her flustered like that. “Well then, do make sure you come back after you’ve finished.”

        “I will, Y/N.”

#

#

#

Jason didn’t know why he went back to the bookshop. He truly didn’t. 

        He wasn’t expecting to see her working there. He wasn’t expecting to see her at all, actually. He barely even remembered her from his middle school days. He vaguely remembered finding her pretty and he knew she was very smart. Other than that, she was basically a stranger to him. Just like that version of himself was a stranger to him now. 

        It was a surprise to say the least. She had grown up marvelously, from what he remembered at least. She wore glasses now, and in his opinion it only made her prettier. His breath caught in his throat just remembering the sight of her that first time. His brothers caught up in his behavioral shift, and teased him endlessly. Jason stopped that rather quickly: it’s easy when you’re bigger and more intimidating than them. It also helps that they’re desperately trying to maintain the thin and fragile relationship they had. 

        Jason wanted to say he hadn’t rushed to finish those books to see her again, but he did. He wanted to say he hadn’t rushed to read her recommendation, but he did. He finished it in a day. He wished he had read it sooner. Somehow he felt like that sometimes, a dead man narrating his own story. At least he was strikingly different from the protagonist. At least he wasn’t an asshole. Not most times anyways. 

        He went back to the shop the next day, around closing time--he realized they were closing early and he wondered if it had anything to do with the incident Y/N was involved in. He was sure she would be there. Something told him that she would. He got in, as quietly as he could. The store was empty, after all it was a Thursday afternoon. The door made the usual bell sound behind him, and Y/N appeared behind the shelves, her face stony. 

        “I finished it,” he said with a smile.

        She smiled back at him, and his heart did a somersault. “That was fast, it is not an easy read.”

        “Well, it was a very good book,” he pointed. “It’s easier when the book’s good.”

        “What did you think of it?” she asked curiously.

        “It’s very complex,” he began. “You want to believe Brás but he’s just so….”

        “Insufferable?”

        “Exactly. And he’s a hypocrite too. Which just drives me fucking nuts,” he ran his hands through his hair. “The parallels you can make to the present, though, are just… very daunting,” he added. “It’s impressive the guy wrote this stuff in the nineteenth century and...” he trailed off.

        “Society hasn’t changed one bit since then,” she completed him, her eyes glinting. She was smiling pleasantly, and Jason found it confusing, after all they were talking about something entirely serious.  “So, you here for another rec?” She changed the subject.

        “If you have one, I’d like that,” he said sheepishly. 

        She smirked. “Let’s see,” she moved to behind the shelves once again, her eyes trailing the books expertely. “How about a nice little love story, huh?”

        He shrugged, his heart beating harder in his chest. “Sure, why not.”

        She smiled at him and took out a yellowish cover with a dagger drawn across it. The title was written in the middle of the cover in nice flowery letters. “It’s about a girl that has a special power. And she kinda is trained to be an assassin of sorts, and she is set to a quest with a prince that has the same gift as her. Kinda. But you get the gist.”

        “Yeah, I do,” he nodded, his fingers trailing slightly over the title. 

        “It’s an YA novel so be kind to it,” she warned. 

        “I’ll be.”

        They both made their way to the cash register. She was behind the counter when Jason’s phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and answered it without even looking at the caller. “Hello?” he said, trapping his phone between his shoulder and ear, to fish the money for the book out of his pocket.

        “Is this Mr. Todd?” the person--a woman--said.

           “Yes. Who’s speaking?” he asked. Jason could feel anxiety rising in his body and mind and he tried to push it down. Who the fuck was this person and, most importantly, how the fuck did she get his number?

            “I’m Principal Genoise-Beckham, from Gotham Academy,” she explained. What kind of name was Genoise-Beckham? “I’m calling because of your brother Damian. He got into a fight during the end of the school hours and you’re the next on his contacts list.”

            Jason sighed, a twinge of anger sounding through it. “So no one’s available?”

            “I’m afraid not, Mr.Todd.”

            Not even Alfred, and he knew that for a fact because Jason was the last on the contacts list. Bruce wouldn’t put him any higher, because Bruce doesn’t quite trust him. Not anymore. “I won’t have to sit through any meetings right?”

            “No, Mr. Wayne already arranged one,” the principal said, tiredly. 

            “Tell the kid I’ll be there in 20 minutes,” and then he hung up. 

            She looked at him quizzically, his book neatly packaged in parcel paper with a nice little bow on top of it. “Is everything okay?” she asked, concerned. 

            “My brother got into a fight at the Academy and now I have to pick him up,” he said grumpily. 

            “Oh,” her face fell, and Jason felt guilty. “I hope your brother’s okay.”

            “The little shit probably is,” he gritted through his teeth. He saw a twinge of sadness go through her expression. “Listen,” he started, “I really wanted to stay, but if I don’t pick him up, it’ll start a whole thing with my family and I…” he didn’t complete but he was sure she understood. 

            “It’s okay, Jay,” it was the first time she had called him by a nickname, and his heart beated faster at the sound. “I was about to close up anyways.”

            “Oh,” he breathed. “Yeah, okay,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

            “Yeah,” she nodded, her eyes a bit glossy. 

            He turned around, his book on his hands, when he heard a small ‘Wait’. Jason turned back to her, she was looking at her feet, maybe embarrassed that she had called him, maybe she just didn’t want him to go. He didn’t want to go either. “Can you give me a ride?” she asked. “I mean, I live pretty close to Gotham Academy, it wouldn’t be too much of a detour.”

            His heart picked up the pace, and he fought a smile. “Yeah, yeah, of course.”

          She smiled at him. “Great,” she replied. “I just need to pick up my things and we can go.”

          She was very quick. She turned the lights off of the entire store and returned to the front desk with a small backpack and a few notebooks in hand. She smiled at him. “Lead the way.” 

           Like the gentleman he was raised to be, he took the notebooks from her hands and led the way, Y/N only a few steps behind him. She fished out a key out of her pocket and locked the front door. She tied a chain around the doorknob in a very specific way that almost seemed like a sailor’s knot. She put a locket in the end of the chain, and dragged a metal door down, then locking it to the ground. It seemed excessive, but it was Gotham, and Jason knew first hand what the city was like. 

           They walked a few doors down. Jason’s car glistened in the fading sunlight. He was fucking proud of that car. He had fixed everything in it, he knew that machine inside out. He made it what it was, a beautiful and powerful car. It was one of the few things he had done he felt proud of it. 

          He unlocked the doors with the alarm--yes, a 1962 black Corvette with electronic alarm, he had done that--and he heard a gasp beside him. He turned to see Y/N and her eyes glistened with amazement. “What?” he asked, confused. 

           “You have a ‘62 Corvette?” she asked, shocked. 

           “Yeah,” he dragged, still confused. 

           “I fucking love this car,” she said completely ignoring him and getting closer to the car, analyzing it carefully. “It’s so beautiful.”

           “It really is,” he got around it, looking at the street to see if there were any cars coming down. He then opened the door of his car and got in. “Get in,” he smiled at her. 

           She opened a beaming smile. She opened the door and sat on the passenger seat, her bag resting on her feet, her notebooks now on her lap, she noticed the roof of the car on--the better option for the approaching winter--the head rest he had added, the bright red color of the leather seats, and the original panel, even though she knew he most likely altered everything behind it. She looked like a little kid in it, and Jason could get used to the sight of her beside him. 

           He started the car and she squealed excitedly at the sound of the motor. He looked at her, a small smile on her face. “Is it the original motor?” she asked. “It doesn’t sound like it, it sounds electrical.”

           “That’s ‘cause it is electrical,” he responded. “The original one was very poluent so I switched it.”

           “That’s so cool,” she said, closing her eyes. Jason hinted she was trying to hear the sounds of the car, like someone you’d listen to music. “This is so cool,” she breathed out. 

           He hummed in amusement. “Never met someone who was as passionate about this car as me,” he noted. 

           “You didn’t meet people with good taste then,” she joked. “I’ve loved this car since I was a teen. Always wanted one, but I never had it in me to buy it.”

           “I found this one in a junkyard basically,” he said. “It was in pretty good condition considering where it was. Spent a year tryin’ to fix it to the original conditions, gave up and then another year buildin’ it to what it is today.”

           She looked at him, he noticed out of the corner of the eye, incredulously. “You’re so fucking cool, Jason,” she said. “You’re beyond cool, you’re just…” she trailed off. He looked at her quickly and she had a shy smile and she was looking at her hands. 

           “Thank you,” he thanked her. “People haven’t found me cool in,” he let out a breath, “forever.”

           “Well, you haven’t been walking with very nice people then,” she said. “No offense to your friends, but you’re just… you’re special, Jay.”

           And, fuck, did he love hearing that from her. She left him speechless. She turned to him and saw his stony expression--an expression of panic and chock, not of disgust as she thought--and she inhaled sharply. “Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” she said, desperately trying to correct her mistake. “I said too much. Forget I said anything, please,” she completed, smally. 

           “It’s okay, love,” he replied softly, the car stopping slowly at the intersection. He turned to her. He grabbed her hands, that were twisting nervously in her lap--a nervous tick he remembered noticing she had in school--and looked at her softly. “You’re fucking special too, Y/N.”

           She looked at him and her eyes filled with tears. “I--” she hesitated. She smiled at him, sniffing and wiping her eyes with one of her hands, the other still intertwined in Jason’s. “Thank you,” she said. “You have no idea what this means to me.”

           He smiled at her. “I’m just saying the truth, love.”

           That made her even more flustered. “You’re just being kind,” she said, shyly, looking at her hands entangled with his. She removed her hands of his, the traffic light turned green and Jason resumed driving the car. 

           “No, I’m not,” he denied her. “I’m telling you the truth. You’re special, and you’re amazing, Y/N.”

           She shook her head in denial, her bottom lip trapped by her teeth. “I’m not all that great,” she whispered. “I’m pretty annoying in fact. You just haven’t seen it yet.”

           “I don’t believe you. Why’d you think that?”

          She shrugged. “When you spend your whole childhood and teenagedom hearing that you’re nothing but an annoying crybaby nerd, you start to believe it at some point.”

Jason swallowed tickly at her remark. He couldn’t believe what she had just said. “Who said that to you?”

        She shook her head. “You don’t have to worry,” she replied, dismissing his concern. “It’s over now.”

           “But it still hurts you,” he noted. He noticed how this could easily apply to him. How he easily would get worked up on the little things Bruce would mention and Jason would brush it, say it’s over, it doesn’t matter, when it clearly does. It fucking does. 

           She looked at her hands, and sniffed. “It’ll always hurt, I guess.”

           Jason was rarely speechless. But, at that moment, he didn’t know what to say. Because he remembered hearing those things about her. He remembered people talking about her in that way, saying she was weird, and that they only talked to her when they needed help with homework. Admittedly, he never ever said those things about her--he didn’t even believe those things--but he never said a word to those who called her that. And that, arguably, was worse than saying those things. 

           He struggled to conciliate that guilt with the fact that he didn’t even feel like that boy--he wasn’t that boy anymore. That boy died by the hands of a clown. What had emerged from it was something entirely different. And yet, he still felt guilt over something he hadn’t done when he was that kid. 

           “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

           “You don’t have to be sorry, Jay,” she said, her hands finding his, on the gear shift. “You didn’t do anything.”

           “But I--” he started, “I didn’t say anything about it. I knew about those things and I didn’t stop them.”

           She looked at him, and he saw by the corner of his eye. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m sure you were going through other stuff and you just wanted to fit in.”

           How was she so fucking understanding? He scoffed lightly. The thing is: he wasn’t trying to fit in, he was trying to stay out of sight. So he just listened and said nothing. “How are you so good?” He said, incredulously. He was the first person to say Gotham was rotten, head to toe, and yet there she was, fucking pure soul. 

           “I guess I just am,” she shrugged. 

           And then they fell in a comfortable silence. Her hand was still in his, and he fought the urge to bring her knuckles to his lips and plant a kiss on it. Every now and then he would steal glances at her, and he swore she was glowing in the orange sunlight peaking in the window. 

           “That’s me,” she said, pointing to a tall modern building a block before Gotham Academy. 

           “That’s a big fancy building,” he noted slowly. 

           “It’s one of my parents’ apartments,” she explained. “I live in it rent free, but I have to pay for electricity and food and stuff. It was the condition for using it. They insisted they’d pay the tuition and I demanded this apartment in return, ‘cause I wanted to pay the tuition and they wanted to--” she trailed off noticing a weird look in his eyes. “I’m sorry I ranted.”

           “It’s fine, I like to hear you talk,” he said, smiling. 

         She smiled back, looking at her feet. “Well, I should get going,” she said opening the car door. “Thanks for the ride, Jason.”

           “No problem, love,” he shook his head slightly, and looked at her softly. 

          “Yeah,” she whispered, her eyes fixed on his, already out of the car. “Bye,” she finished awkwardly and quickly walked to the building. 

           Jason watched as she floated to her home, mesmerized by her. 

           Fuck. 

#

#

#

“Red Hood has been following me,” she manifested her psychologist looking at her with wide eyes. “It’s weird to say it out loud.”

        “Why do you say that?” her psychologist asked. 

        “‘Cause I’ve seen him,” she replied. “A couple of times actually.”

        “Are you sure?” the therapist asked. 

        “Yes, I am,” she nodded enthusiastically. “I just don’t get why he’s following me.”

        “Isn’t he supposed to be a good guy?” her therapist quizzed. “Following people doesn’t seem like a good guy thing to do.”

        “Yeah,” she whispered. “I’m not scared though. I know I should be, but I’m not,” she commented. “I know I haven’t done anything wrong, there's no reason for him to be following me, at least no reason like that. I don’t know,” she sighed, “maybe he just wants to be my guardian angel,” she shrugged. 

        “It sure is a weird angel,” the therapist noted. “Have you talked about this with Jason?”

        “I did mention it to him,” she nodded. “But he got all weird about it and changed the subject quickly.”

        “That’s strange.”

        “Yeah, he definitely knows something about this,” she said smugly. “I really want to find out.”

        “Well, on the topic of Jason,” her therapist said as if she hadn’t brought him up, “how’s things with him?”

        “They’re okay,” she shrugged. “He comes to see me at work almost every day. Then he walks me to my car or gives me a ride home.”

        “I see,” the psychologist noted. “And what do you guys talk about?”

        “I don’t know,” she mumbled under her breath. “Mostly about books. Sometimes about life,” she recounted. “He’s very reserved. He doesn’t talk much about himself.”

        “And you? Do you talk about yourself?” 

        She hesitated. There was no point in lying to her therapist, it would go against the very definition of therapy and if there was one thing she hated was hypocrisy. “No,” she shook her head quietly, “I-- everytime I try, something happens and…” she shrugged. “I guess I’m too scared of scaring him off.”

        “Y/N…” the therapist warned. “You need to open up to him. How do you expect him to stick around if you don’t share things about you?”

        “To be fair,” she said raising her finger as if it would make the point she was about to make more believable, “I’ve talked about myself once with him and it was… fuck, it was hard.”

        “How did he react?” the therapist inquired. “Was he a dick?”

        “No!” she was quick to reply. “He was the sweetest. But I’m just…”

        “Depriving yourself of a potential relationship,” her therapist completed for her. “You’re sabotaging yourself, Y/N.”

        “No, I’m not,” she denied, fooling herself. “I just don’t want to get my hopes up and end up heartbroken.”

        The psychologist sighed. “I know you’re scared of getting hurt, but you’ll never know unless you let him in,” the therapist stated. “You might be pushing him away and sabotaging yourself when investing in this relationship could very well be something right for you,” she finished.

        “I know,” she mumbled. “But I just,” she sighed, defeated. “I’m scared.”

        “I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to try,” her therapist added softly. 

        “Okay,” she nodded, softly. 

#

#

#

She waited at the edge of her seat for Jason to come in at the store. She was going to try. Fuck, she hoped she didn’t mess anything up. Up until that moment she didn’t know what she was doing, she just did it. She hoped she knew what she was about to do. 

        The bell rang and Jason walked in, his hair swept by the chilly wind and his hands stuffed in his jeans’ pockets. He wore that leather jacket she loved so much, it made him so much more beautiful. She just wanted to grab him by his shirt and kiss him to no end. She smiled at him and he smiled back. 

        “I was waiting for you,” she announced happily. 

        “Yeah?” he said, leaning on his elbows. His face was inches away from hers. His pupils were blown wide, his blue eyes twinkling with something she couldn’t quite place yet. “Excited for the next rec, huh?” he smirked. 

        “No, actually,” she corrected him. “I needed to tell you something.”

        “Oh,” he said. “Go ahead then, I’m all yours.”

        “Okay,” she whispered, her heart racing at his comment. She swallowed nervously, looking him in the eye. This was it. She was going to open up to him. “I was talking to my therapist actually,” she started, “and we agreed--actually no,” she laughed. “She said that I need to open up and be vulnerable more. And it may seem a bit weird that I’m saying this to you but I swear there’s a reason.  So here it goes,” she breathed out. “I really like you, Jay. Like, really really like you. And I’m sorry if I’ve seemed weird or standoffish or anything, I’m trying to work on that. So if you want to, I don’t know, take this, um, friendship somewhere else, maybe somewhere romantic, I’d be, you know, happy to take it there too. With you, I mean.”

        He smiled genuinely at her. His eyes shifted to  her hands. She was twisting her fingers nervously. He rested his hand on hers, her hand immediately relaxing under his touch. “I’d like that,” he responded quietly. “Wanna go on a date tonight?”

        She smiled, her eyes a bit teary. Her heart raced in her chest, the worst case scenario hadn’t come true. He liked her too. He wanted to date too. Her anxiety was wrong. Thank God for that. “Yeah, I do,” she confessed. 

        His smile got bigger somehow.  “Great,” he breathed out, and she could feel the nerves leaving his body. “I’ll pick you up at 8,” he stated. 

        She smiled at him. “Great.”

#

#

#

“I need you to cover patrol for me,” Jason said to Tim, his phone pressed between his shoulder and ear. He carried a bouquet of flowers, bags from the market and a suit he had it pressed and sent to the Iceberg Lounge.

        “Why?” Tim quizzed him. 

        “‘Cause I have a thing,” Jay responded. 

        “Yeah, Imma need more than that, Jay,” Tim said. “What thing?”

        “You’re a little fucker”, he answered, resting the bags on the floor. “You just want gossip.”

        “No, I want a reason why I’ll have to add the Narrows to my patrol tonight,” Tim argued. “It’s quite far from my usual route, y’know.”

        “Fuck you, Tim,” Jason muttered. 

        “Why such hostility?” Tim teased. Jason could practically hear his brother’s smirk over the phone. “Is someone going on a date tonight?”

        Jason exhaled deeply, trying not to lose his temper and drive to Wayne Towers to choke his brother to death. He was on a schedule, he had dinner to prepare. “Will you cover for me or not?”

        “Will you tell me why you're ditching patrol?”

        “No,” Jason gritted through his teeth. 

        “Then no,” Tim said plainly. Jason knew he was messing with him. 

        Jason sighed. There was no way he’d cancel on Y/N. Not because his motherfucking brother was toying with him. “I swear to God, Drake, if you tell anyone I'll kill you the most painful way possible.”

        “So you are going on a date,” Tim stated. 

        “Fuck,” Jason sighed. “Yes, I am. Now, please Timothy, would you cover patrol for me tonight?”

        “Who’s the girl?”

        “Tim,” Jason started.

        “Or boy, I don’t judge.”

        “Will you cover the motherfucking patrol?”

        “Yeah, yeah,” Tim dismissed. 

        “Thank you,” Jason sighed relieved. 

        “Will you introduce me to t--”

        Jason hung up on his brother. He had a date to get ready to. 

#

#

#

Jason spent the rest of his afternoon getting everything ready for the date. The food, the flowers, the ambiance of the roof. Everything was perfect, just like she fucking deserved. 

           He was nervous out of his mind. His hands were sweating and he couldn’t stop running his hands through his hair in a nervous habit. It was so long ago the last time he had gone on a date with someone he cared this much about. He didn’t want to screw it up. 

         She was so precious, so good. He didn’t know what someone like her saw in someone like him, someone tainted and broken. But she saw something, and she wanted him. And he wasn’t dumb, he wasn’t going to let her go. Even if everything in his life told him to run from her, protect her from a distance, don’t get close ‘cause she’ll become a target. 

         And he was doing just that, he was protecting from a distance as the Hood. He was being fucking dumb about it too, cause she had seen him more than once. But being distant was not enough, not anymore. 

          So there he was, in front of her apartment, black ‘62 Corvette, crisp black suit and blood red t-shirt. His hair was messy and his hands were in his pockets. He leaned on the hood of the car, waiting patiently for her to come to his encounter. He was early anyways, he could wait, even if he hated the looks of pity he was receiving. She would come and those fucking pedestrians knew nothing. 

           She opened the doors and stepped on the sidewalk. She was wearing a beautiful red knee-length dress with black heels and Jason was just paralyzed at her sight. Fucking hell. How can someone be so perfect? How can someone so perfect want him?

          She stopped in front of him, a smile framing her face beautifully, her glasses crystal clean. “You look great, Jay,” she stated. 

          “I--” he opened his mouth but no words came out of his mouth. Her face fell and her eyes flashed with worry. 

          “What’s wrong?” she said. “Is everything okay?”

          He breathed out and smiled at her. “Everything’s perfect, love,” he said. He picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles gently. “You look breathtakin’.”

          She looked down shyly. “Thank you, Jay.”

          He opened the door of the car for her. She thanked him kindly, and he closed the door for her. He entered the car and started the engine. “Where’re we going?” she quizzed him.

          He looked at her with a smirk. “It’s a surprise,” he stated. “It’s part of the charm.”

          She smiled at him. “You don’t need to surprise me to charm me, Jason.”

          “Cute you think that, but you’ll see,” he responded. “This is going to be a perfect night.”

          She looked at him and sighed quietly, like she was considering something. “It’s already perfect. I’m here with you,” she said coyly. 

          Jason looked at her quickly, her gaze fixed on him. He smiled shyly. One of his hands left the wheel and found hers, holding it tightly. He brought her knuckles to his lips and kissed it softly. He wanted to say three little words, and he almost did. But she was too precious and he couldn’t just waste those words in a moment like this, an immature moment at that. No, he would cherish her like she was supposed too. He would love her in secret for now, and when he was sure she reciprocated his feelings he would say it with all his heart, he would shout it from the highest rooftop. 

          But, for now, he just looked at her, hoping his look was enough to say what he couldn’t. She smiled like she understood what he was trying to say. 

          Yeah, she was perfect. He wasn’t going to let her slip through his fingers. Fuck the voices in his head saying to run. For once in his life he was going to welcome this feeling with open arms. 

#

#

#

“So, how was your week?” her therapist quizzed. 

        “It was great, actually,” she said. “Jay took me to the museum in Metropolis. I did well in a test and I got my salary early so I bought a new pin for my collection.”

        “You’re sure spending a lot of time with Jason,” the psychologist noted. 

        “Yeah, yeah,” she sighed softly. “I really like him, you know.”

        “I do know,” the therapist replied. “How does it feel to be in a relationship?”

        She looked down at her hands, flustered. “It feels nice and weird and...and…” she trailed off. “I have no words to describe it.”

        Her therapist smiled at her. “He seems like a nice guy, Y/N,” she commented. “How do your friends like him?”

        She twisted her hands nervously. “Henry was suspicious of him at first,” she started. “You know, Jay’s a bit shy and intimidating, Henry was concerned he’d hurt me.”

        “And how did you react to his concern?”

        “I mean,” she shrugged, “it’s a valid concern. But Jay wouldn’t…” she hesitated. “We’ve talked about this, y’know? He knows where I stand, he knows where my fears come from and he gave me his word,” she sniffed, her voice strained. “He promised. And so far he didn’t break any of his promises.”

        “You do trust him a lot,” the therapist noticed. 

        “I trust him with my life,” she added. “I hope he doesn’t break that trust.”

        She hummed and wrote something down. “What about your other friends?” her therapist questioned. “I know Henry means the world to you, but he’s not your only friend.”

        “Julie thought he was okay and the other boys were just very neutral about it,” she explained. “You know how they’re like. As long as I’m happy they’ll be supportive.”

        “Are you happy?” the psychologist inquired. 

        “Yeah,” she replied enthusiastically. “Fuck yeah. Jay’s just… He’s the best, you know. He gets me. He’s respectful and he’s smart and handsome. I really like him.”

        Her therapist smiled. “I’m glad you’re happy, Y/N,” she said. “It’s been a long time coming.”

        “It sure has,” she chuckled quietly. 

        “How about the Red Hood?” the therapist asked. “Have you seen him lately?”

        “All the time,” she replied. “Ever since I started dating Jay, I’ve seen the Hood when I wasn’t with him.”

        “Doesn’t that concern you?”

        “No,” she shook her head. “It’s weird but it doesn’t.”

        “Why’s that?”

        “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “He seems familiar, you know? Not because I’ve seen him up close or seen him more times than I can count but…” she pondered. “His posture and his stance, it’s so so familiar to me. I wonder if I’ve met him as a civilian.”

        “You could have,” her therapist pondered. “How does Jason think of this?”

        “He doesn’t,” she answered. “He always changes the subject very quickly every time I bring it up.”

        “That’s weird.”

        “Yep,” she agreed. “I know he’s up to something. I just haven’t had the courage to ask him. Yet.”

#

#

#

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

        Jason messed up.  He messed up bad. 

        He could live with the fact she had seen him a couple of times lurking in rooftops making sure she was safe. He could live with the fact she was onto him, that she knew he was hiding something from her, something related to the Hood. Jason knew eventually he would have to tell her, this double life would become unsustainable, and he’d have to merge it into one. As much as he dreaded that day, he would fucking do it. 

        But when she sat him down in her living room and said that she knew he was the Hood, he knew, he was fucking sure, he should have been more careful. 

        “I’m not mad, y’know,” she said quietly. “I get why you hid from me.”

        Jason remained quiet, trying to make sense of his thoughts. “How did you find out?”

        A smile passed on her face. “You were just so familiar, I guess,” she explained. “You felt so familiar even from afar. So I just started connecting the dots.”

        “I see,” he whispered. His heart beated faster and faster with anxiety. He couldn’t handle it, he thought he would have more time to tell her. He hadn’t realized she could very well discover on her own, he had given her enough clues to do just so. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

        “It’s fine, Jason,” she replied quietly. “You don’t need to feel sorry.”

        “I feel like I should,” he said. He sighed and grabbed her hands softly. “I owe you an explanation, Y/N.”

        “You don’t owe me anything besides your safety,” she cut him. “I don’t care about what you do at night, Jason. I care about you, I--” she looked at him, trying to search for something in his eyes. “I love you, Jay. And I don’t think I could bear to lose you.”

        Jason opened his mouth in shock. He wasn’t expecting that. “I love you,” he replied to her. “I’ve fucking loved you ever since I laid eyes on you, Y/N,” he grabbed her face and rested his forehead on hers. “I was just so scared to let you in on the secret. ‘Cause I know of the dangers, I know first hand how fucking dangerous this life is, and loosing you would kill me,” he explained. “For the second time,” he whispered. 

        Her hands rested on his cheeks, her thumb caressing him gently. She kissed him, softly, and he reciprocated it. 

        “I want to tell you,” Jason whispered, against her lips. “I have to tell you, how I became what I became.”

        “You don’t n--” she began. 

        “I do, though,” he interrupted her. “I do,” he whispered. He sighed, and looked down. He held her wrists carefully. “If you don’t want to see me after everything I tell you, I’ll understand. I won’t blame you.”

        “Imma stop you right there,” she looked him in the eyes. “You think I don’t know anything, but I know a couple of things, Jay. I did my research on the Hood,” she commented. “You don’t scare me.”

        “There are things that I’ve done that…” he shook his head. 

        “It’s okay, Jay,” she said softly. “One step at a time, love.”

        So he took one step at a time. He told her everything carefully. Some details were left behind, he couldn’t say them out loud, not even if he wanted to. She held his hands through it all, and he was truly grateful for it. 

        “I had no idea,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”

        “You don’t have to be,” he shook his head and squeezed her hands. “It led me to you.”

author’s note: here is the link to my jason playlist once again and the link to my masterlist.

[embretheworld]

I was bored so here’s some hc’s

I have a lot surprisingly so a lot of these are coming off the top of my head

-Laxus does not have good eyesight in the eye with a scar because that's where the lacrima was implanted. But he can still see out of it, it just gets blurry sometimes.

-If you had a lacrima implanted in you, there's gonna be a scar where it was implanted, and depending on what type of magic it is determine's the shape.

-Laxus's mother was born without magic and had the same thing happen to her but she was 16 when she had it implanted in her hand, she also had asked to have one and Laxus didn't.

-Laxus was born without magic thanks to his mother being born without magic too.

-When you get a lacrima implanted in you, depending on what type and how strong it is, depends on how sick you get. It's a counterbalance so people won't always get lacrima's implanted in them. The day it was implanted you get very sick as the body's reaction to an overwhelming influx of magic in your system, it happens every year in the same day it was implanted but the first time is the worst.

-"This is what I get for being emotionally slutty," Loke probably looking back on some kind of event.

-Loke with freckles!

-Loke sleeps when he's bored.

-Lucy suffers the worst writer's block ever and can't seem to ever get out of it no matter how hard she tries(I feel you girl).

-Plue really likes candy.

-Happy got Lucy a little frame that said "Life is better with cats" for her Birthday and despite how much Happy annoys her sometimes she keeps it on the desk she writes on and treasures it dearly.

-Do not let Erza play whack a mole or the games where you have to throw balls at clowns or vases you have to knock down to win a prize.

-Or let the dragon slayers play any driving game in general.

-Horror movies do not scare Aries, a lot of things do, but not horror movies.

-Mira really likes candles, but always gets them when they're on sale.

- Gray once got banned from a strip club after being mistaken for one of the strippers.

-Juvia could literally kill someone if she wanted to since our bodies are made of 60% of water but has no idea. She desires to learn more about blood magic if she so desires but hasn't.

-Levy wants to study rune magic but procrastination is her worst enemy, also people trying to attack the guild interrupting her every time she tries to cracks open a book to try and learn it. She's stopped trying to learn it in fear that if she tries someone will start attacking the guild again.

-Gajeel & Juvia and Gray & Loke are very underrated friendships that need more attention.

-Natsu chugged hot sauce and didn't even flinch. (A friend of mine did that and they scare me.)

-Lucy carries around a box of matches just in case Natsu wants a snack whenever they go on missions.( which is a lot of the time, a lot of her money has went into buying matches, she's had to go to plenty different stores to buy some because she's scared the clerk will think she's up to something and explaining it will only make her seem more suspicious.)

-Technically demon slayers are just exorcists but with more violence.

-In a human au Gray was an exorcist once.

But in normal Fairy Tail he takes side jobs on getting rid of demons from ordinary houses or other places which pays a lot.

-The wool Aries can make, can make really nice jackets. She's made jackets using it, but Loke stole it cause he likes comfy things in general.

-Loke actually needs his glasses, his glasses double as both sunglasses and normal glasses(someone I know someone who has the same type of glasses, I also wear glasses so.) due to being in Earthland too long, certain things started deteriorating like important sense's thankfully it wasn't on a major scale but on a longer one but it can't be fixed.

-Due to his eyesight deteriorating he has better hearing.

-Loke and Evergreen are nearsighted, Levy is farsighted.

-Ivan named Laxus because Laxus looked so much like his mother it only seemed fair.

-Laxus has an aunt who's his mom's sister. He talks to her through letters because she lives across the sea.

-"My little dragon," was a nickname that Laxus's mom gave him after he had gotten the dragon lacrima implanted in him against her wishes since if they were to do it, she wanted to do it when he was 16 like her but Ivan thought 8 was a much more appropriate age. (It was not). The only one who knows of this nickname for him is Makarov, his mom, his aunt, and his dad.

-His dad once used the name in a fight against him and he wanted to punch him so bad.

-If Mira were to swear she'd put sailors to shame.

-Erza has horrible road rage.

-I refuse to believe that Loke has two sets of ears, he does not have human ears and lion(cat ears?) ears at the same time just lion ears while in his celestial form and humans ones in his human form. He wears the piercing he used to wear on his human ears on his cat ears when in said celestial form, or outfit or whatever.

-The car ears(I'm calling them that now) are actual ears, you'd be surprised how many people try to pull on them in thinking that they aren't only to be pleasantly surprised that they in fact are. He likes to be pet behind them whenever they are there and he doesn't have regular human ears.

-He also despises chokers/collars with the very soul of his being. He might hiss at you if you bring one even close to him that's how much he hates them.

He doesn't even have a reason to he just hates them.

-Erza sometimes refers to her guildmates as "Feral children".

-Dragonslayers cannot whistle if their life depended on it.

-Loke knows French because most of his masters were in the French Court meaning it was mandatory for him to learn it. (I refuse to believe anyone with common sense would date him with that haircut he had in the human world, looked like something a 5-year-old would draw on a stick figure in an attempt to draw hair).

-Levy knows French, Arabic, and a few other languages.

-She fucks with people by talking to Loke in French and making them think that they're talking about that person why they aren't.

-Mira tried to learn French, she failed very badly since she kept forgetting the parts before the word and kept messing it up.

-The dragon slayers can purr when happy, growl when mad, and whimper when sad.

-The same thing applies to Loke but mostly because he's an overgrown cat.

-In order to date someone at the guild if you aren't in it you have to get Erza's blessing/asking her if it's alright since she's kinda the older sister and also the first one you wanna tell.

-Loke does not blow-dry his hair after he washes it because it just poof's up and there's no way to fix it other than to wash his hair again and look like a drowned cat for an hour or two. Though his hair is very soft after he washes it and it properly drys and isn't wet.

-Celestial spirits can dream, but their dreams consist of looking back on old memories from an outside viewpoint.

-Freed says "Let's have another round tonight" very unenthusiastically when drunk, just that sentence, no other sentence, just that one, only when he's drunk.

-Loke's good with finances along with fashion because one of his previous master, Valeria, pushed her financial work on him as a 'learning experience'.

-Loke was also offered a modeling job before and Lucy is super pissed since he of all people can get one but not her. (In the human au, he actual does modeling)

-If Mira and Loke were to team up it'd most like to be to help people in the guild get together.

-They would succeed.

-They both also like wine.

-Loke and Erza are bi, Mira is pan.

-Upon learning about this, Juvia considered Loke a love rival, be assured her that he was none and that he'd give her some advice to trying to date Gray because Gray and romance don't go well if she kept quiet about it.

-Gray ended up figuring it out and still holds it against him.

-Loke does not like being compared to a cat, he despises it so Gray as the best friend he is does exactly that.

-The two of them have blackmail on each other, and Gray often drags Loke into watching horror movies knowing he absolutely despises him with the very core of his being.

-Gajeel will fight anyone who hurts his best friend, Juvia.

Or anyone who hurts his guild but Juvia is different since she's been with him since they joined Fairy Tail.

Natsu once grabbed a pan straight out of the oven and horrified everyone in the room.

[toomanysurveys9]

[100 Truths by thev0iceofreas0n]

Lasts: 1. Last Beverage? Milk with dinner. 2. Last Phone Call? My mom. I was afraid we weren’t going to have enough chicken for everyone but we did. 3. Last Text Message? Also my mom. 4. Last Song You Listened To? I don’t remember. It was on Pandora. 5. Last Time You Cried? This morning. I tried waking Jacob up at 6:50, but he evidently didn’t get up until 7:30, but since he usually ends up sleeping downstairs I didn’t know that. But he yelled upstairs saying he needed socks and I said I gave him some when he was laying down and then he got yelled something I don’t remember and also yelled at me because it was 7:30 which is when he was supposed to be at work, not waking up.

Have You Ever: 6. Dated Someone Twice? Yup. It was dumb. Lol. 7. Been Cheated on? Yup. When Jake and I first started dating. There was a thing with his ex before me. But never happened again. 8. Kissed Someone And Regretted It? Nope. 9. Lost someone special? Too many times.

10. Been Depressed? Lol, I have depression so pretty often. 11. Been Drunk? Yeah. List Three Favorite Colors: 12. Black. 13. Light blue. 14. Light purple. This Year Have You: 15. Made New Friends? Not this year. 16. Fallen Out Of Love? Nope. 17. Laughed until You Cried? A few times. :) 18. Met Someone WHo Changed You? Not yet. 19. Found Out Who Your True Friends Were? You could say that. 20. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You? Yeah, kind of. 21. Kissed anyone on your friends list? Not on Tumblr. 22. How Many people on your friends list do you know in real life? No one on here. 23. Do you have any pets? Two dogs (Phe and Cocoa), two rats (Kore and Loki), and one cat (Arlo). 24. What did you do for your last birthday? Just hung out at home and had cheesecake. 25. What time did you wake up today? 6:45 to wake up Jacob and then fell back asleep until he yelled and then I fell back asleep until I had to get up at 8. 26. What were you doing at midnight last night? Laying in bed. 27. Name something you CANNOT wait for? Ultrasound tomorrow! 28. Last time you saw your father? Tonight. He lives with us. 29. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Finances.  30. What are you listening to right now? Eliana and Jacob are both watching videos.  

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Yeah. That’s Jacob’s stepdad’s name. 32. What’s getting on your nerves right now? Jacob’s attitude. Almost prefer him working two jobs... he recently quit his second job at papa john’s. You 33. What is your real name? Marlina. 34. Zodiac Sign? Virgo. 35. Male or Female? Female. 36. Elementary School? The one I was supposed to. 37. Middle School? ^^^

38. High School? ^^^^

39. Hair Color? Medium brown? It’s not especially dark, but not really light either. 40. Long or short hair? My hair is currently short. 41. Height? 5′3″ or something. 42. Do you have a crush on someone? Nah. 43. What do you like about yourself? I’m usually a good mom. 44. Piercings? None besides earlobes these days. 45. Tattoos? I have three. 46. Righty or Lefty? Righty. Firsts: 47. Surgery? I had a couple teeth that had to be removed. Aside from that... I had my gallbladder removed after I had Wyatt. 48. Piercing? Ears. I was weeks/months old. 49. Tattoo? A matching flower with my mom. 50. Best Friend? Alyson. 51. Sport you joined? I never joined any sports. 52. Pet? My parents had a cat when I was a baby that loved me. 53. Vacation you remembered? Our Florida trips to visit my mom’s foster family. 54. Concert? I don’t remember. 55. Crush? This boy named Cooper. Lol. 56. Alcoholic Drink? Alcoholic root beer float with Leslie. Lol. Right Now: 57. Eating? Nothing. We just had dinner. 58. Drinking? Nothing but probably going to get water. 59. I’m about to.. Get a drink and warmup Jacob’s dinner. 60. Listening to.. Nothing. . 61. Waiting for… Tomorrow. :) Your Future: 62. Want kids? I have two and pregnant with another. We’re done. 63. Want to get married? I already am.  64. Careers in mind? Hopefully a marriage and family therapist. Which Is Better with the opposite/same sex? 65. Lips or Eyes? 66. Hugs or Kisses? 67. Shorter or Taller? 68. Older or Younger? 69. Romantic or Spontanious? 70. Nice stomach or Nice arms? 71. Tattoos or Piercings? 72. Sensitive or Loud? 74. Trouble Maker or Hesitant? Have You Ever (2): 75. Kissed a stranger? No. 76. Drank hard liquor? Many times. 77. Lost glasses/contacts? Sunglasses. 79. Broken someone’s heart? I guess so. 80. Had your heart broken? Yup. 81. Been arrested? Nope. 82. Turned someone down? Yup. 83. Cried when someone died? Yes. So much. 84. Liked a friend that is the same sex? Nope. Do You Believe In: 85. Yourself? Not as much as I should. 86. Miracles? Nope. 87. Love at first sight? Yes. 88. Heaven? Nope. 89. Santa Claus? Nope. 90. Kissing on the first date? Depends on the date. 91. Angels? Nope. 92. Sex before marriage? I had sex before marriage sooo. 93. Life on other planets? Yeah. 94. Life after death? No. 95. Only being with one person forever? Hopefully but it doesn’t work for everyone. Answer Truthfully: 96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? I’m okay. 97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfrend at one time? Nope. 98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever? Well, yeah. 99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? My kids. 100. What’s one secret you have that not many people know? I don’t know.

[editorialsonlife]

Well

Welp, feeling like doing an update because there's been a lot going on to be honest. its one of those weird dichotomies where every day feels like an eternity and there's so much going on and then you look back and you're like oh, ok its just my brain making it difficult and making things take forever but anyway.

LOCKDOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNN

Lockdown life was good, apart from being thrust into it so suddenly dave left a banana on his desk. Wasn't great to come back to after 5 weeks out of the office - mummified mouldy banana!! Classic. We luckily got our first jab before lockdown started so that was good, and we were reasonably well stocked up on food and were generally a lot healthier this lockdown that last. honestly, there's a level of chill and serenity in lockdown that i just love. the ability to set my own schedule and only work the hours I actually work to get the job done? Amazing. getting 8.5 hours of sleep each night without having to wake to an alarm blaring? AMAZING. getting to go for walks every afternoon? SO FLIPPING GOOD. I love it so much, I really really do. I need this to be my life permanently.

WORK

Work is just ongoing and draining and honestly, coming back to the office was so fucking stressful and it was only one day. Being at home is just the fucking bomb. Pending home decisions, I wanna go contracting I think, but also ideally two part time contracts to have more flexibility? I dunno. You'd think a big 4 would provide variety but it really doesn't and honestly, with Richie leaving, wellington is just a sinking ship. Sean's off on parental leave, Kirstyn is down to four days a week, ben will be gone if he doesn't get promoted (and I don't think he will be tbh). Jack is just muddling along, Nigel wants to swap to consulting as well, Matt's going to be a shit leader in terms of bringing in work so it's just not going to work. and in our wider group it's going to get even more messy with heaps of the analysts leaving and a couple of senior hires too. so I think it's probably time to jump ship in general, pending the home stuff below. Also, coming back after a break again, I'm like, I don't actually like a lot of you? All the people I enjoy here are in other teams and groups, and I'll be sad to leave you all, but like, not enough to stay anyway lol.

Pending the home below, two options are to just going and get a job with a $30k payrise to make up for the maternity leave benefits I'm gunna leave behind when I leave this role - 18 weeks full pay, $100 a week for the first year back and a full year of maternity leave. It's basically 30k post tax which is a bit nuts to walk away from to be honest.

Otherwise the other option is to go contracting. Less security overall but holy shit so much money. If I went in as a project coordinator at the lowest rate to build up a bit of a portfolio I'd need to work 40 weeks of 40 hr weeks and Id basically match my current salary plus the lost family leave benefits and still qualify for govt maternity leave payments. Realistically I could go in as a project manager for $140 an hour ($60 more an hour than the above math) and absolutely smash it at that level as well so ya know, there's a bunch of other info. I like the idea of the flexibility of it and only having 6 months even if its a shitshow and beign able to walk away at the end of it. I really don't want to get a govt job and this is a v govt town which is fine but also, if I can avoid it that would be great. I just know I'm not gunna thrive in that environment.

Need to talk to Dave to get him across the line on the security issue part of that though. I've mostly come a long way in terms of my financial management (thanks YNAB) so I think he'd be ok with it mostly.

So there's a lot to toss up there because......

HOME

We got the reno plans done during lockdown, finally. which was super good. but holy fkn jesus $$$$$$ ++++++++++. The guy is coming around for the final quote on Thursday. We indicatively said $100k total because we're doing kitchen laundry bathroom and toilet. so only the most expensive rooms and when I was talking to him last week he said 'that might cover it' and they're seeing cost escalations of 7-10% a week which is just insane. we're not doing anything structural apart from putting in a cavity slider in the bathroom, and the quote they'll give us won't include flooring since they won't do it.

Meanwhile, the prefab homes I were looking at for our site were $425k fully done. Like, I'm not going to spend $130K on doing up my 1940s ex state house ya know? That's not good cost benefit ratio.

So depending on what that comes out at on thursday we'll be able to make some plans.

We also want to start trying for kids next year and need these renos done first - I am not having kids and no dishwasher lol.

Also we need bank financing so good to be in a permanent stable job for that application. the good thing is we have so much equity we know we can borrow whatever we need, I just don't want to spend that much money on it because it's fkn ridiculous. and if I'm going on maternity leave we need to be able to cover it all on dave's salary and whatever benefits I have as well so there;s a lot of financial planning and spreadsheeting going on at the moment lol. it's fab.

either way. we've got plenty of options up our sleeve. we've got friends who's brother owns a building company so we can talk to them, we've got the garage so we can get things prefabricated even if they're not installed til next year, Dave can get shit at cost through his work for whiteware, there;s plenty of things to like cost control we can do, we just need to know where we're starting from basically. thats the challenging part. but we'll figure it out, its just taking longer than I want it to basically.

We also planted up the vege garden for the spring/summer which was lovely, super jazzed about that. we've finally got the garden to a reasonably low maintenance level where everything is mostly under control and it's such a relief, honestly.

PERSONAL

Man what a shift to lockdown last year honestly. I think the last 8 weeks in particular has just been like, a massive reality check of how absolutely shit the last year was and how fucking glad I am to be rid of it. I spent a week absolutely spiralling 2 weeks ago now and honestly, I don't know how I lived in the state for more than a year. I actually don't know how I did it. and I could not be more glad that I'm finally on the other side of it, for the most part. There's still a bunch of other stuff to work through (hahahahahaha when is there not like damn) but fucking hell its nice to just not be anxious and nauseous and wound up constantly. life is actually accessible. miracle.

My workmate had his bebe - I went round and got newborn cuddles and was like, oh, is this what it is to be clucky? this is odd. so there's that as well. I think we'll probably start trying next year pending renos and jobs etc. If the renos can be done in jan I'll prob just stick it at the job to get the benefits but I dunno. it's a tough call to make really. we shall see. This all assumes we get knocked up without any issues which is questionable these days. I really want to feel healthier before getting pregnant as well, and part of that is losing weight. however, given discussing that is what triggered the spiral we're working on that one slowly.

Also, lets have a moment for counselling, because fkn bless anne and all her hard work honestly. I actually ended up emailing her being like, I;m losing my shit on the monday and then talked to her on thursday. And its so funny because it's such a counselling thing but I didn't realise until afterwards what she'd done but she was like you're clearly not doing well and then the night before dave got a fkn miserable migraine and he was up for like, 2 hrs powerchucking except he didn't make it to the bathroom in time so guess who was cleaning up vomit at 130am trying not to chuck herself but I digress. anyway, not doing well, couldn't even explain why, didn't even have words and super tired and she's like, what lynaire up to this week how's she going with izzy and chat about that and then be like how are you feeling about your body and then 5 more mins of chat about the cat and the chickens and then like bam hard question and then hows it going with x and y and z and its like, it wasn't til I was on my walk afterwards when I FINALLY started feeling marginally better I was like damn woman work your magic for figuring it out for me and helping me reregulate. all over the phone as well since we were still in lockdown. GREAT WORK FRIEND.

and then last week was like totally fucked theoretical discussion about religion and the role it's played in my life and fate vs free will and all this nutty shit but genuinely just a great discussion. She's the best and I love her. thank good for good counsellors. thank god I can afford to pay for it honestly.

Dave and I are just chugging along, god bless that man. I love him. its amazing. I miss having friends close by but understand why they had to move (boooooo f u house prices). Family is pretty chill, still not really talking to dave's parents which is nightmarish but we'll deal with that when we need to. gunna have to go and visit them at some point coz dave misses them and I feel for him, I really do. It's the whole boundaries renegotiation I went through with my family last year post wedding blow up and its just not a fun place to be. oh well. can't fix it for him but also I'm not putting up with that level of BS from either of our families once we have children. not gunna happen.

Either way, life is busy and full and fun and I'm enjoying it. Daylight savings starts this weekend too, its october next week WTF and I'm just waiting for 4pm to find out what's gunna happen to our girls trip. Clearly we cancelled our sept trip to christchurch and akaroa and hanmer springs so my covid travel curse continues. fkn ridic. Still dunno what we're gunna do with $2500 of flight credits coz if we get knocked up theres def no international trips happening any time soon.

thus concludes the almost 2000 word write up of life. hope you've enjoyed it. I'll throw up some pics in a separate post if people care about reno plans. such a good time!

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Body Fever (Steckler, 1969)

Like many a budding cinephile, I'd watched Ray Dennis Steckler's Rat Pfink a Boo Boo years ago thanks to its reputation as a great bad movie, and mostly enjoyed it at that level. Certainly, the story about how the title resulted from a mistake that couldn't be corrected due to budgetary restrictions helped play into that perception. Alas, I later learned that Steckler made up that story, which made it harder in retrospect to enjoy it as a "bad" movie. And certainly there's one line, in which Rat Pfink reveals his one weakness, which never squared with the perception of Steckler as an oblivious incompetent. When the Important Cinema Club podcast did an episode on Steckler (one of their best, in my humble opinion), he came back onto my radar, leading me to believe that I'd perhaps misjudged him. When I watched The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters yesterday, my memories of Rat Pfink's shagginess came back to me (aided by the presence of Rat Pfink, leading lady Carolyn Brandt, and a man in a gorilla suit), but I also was completely taken with its sense of community cheer and unbridled energy, where the joy behind the camera can't help but liven up what's in front of it.

Body Fever is not quite as infectious as Lemon Grove Kids, but I found myself pretty partial to its meager charms as well. It's a darker movie, one which I understand anticipated the slashers and hardcore porn that made up Steckler's later career, and perhaps reflected a diminished optimism at the end of the '60s. As glib as it would be to cite the Manson murders as an inspiration (given that the plot only involves missing drugs), you can see similarities between this movie's late '60s California atmosphere and Quentin Tarantino's channeling of the same in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. It also shares with that movie a languorous sense of pacing, which is definitely more of an issue here given the noir plot and the fact that Steckler is nowhere near the craftsman as Tarantino, but it's probably unfair to compare given the widely divergent finances at their disposal, respectively. But you also get the sense that Steckler isn't terribly interested in tying up his noir plot all that tightly, but would rather use the tropes for atmosphere. Steckler was apparently an admirer of Jean-Luc Godard, and you can see a similar kind of play-acting here as the movie shuffles through its story. "The only thing is I feel like I'm the movie, and somebody's watching me", remarks Steckler, playing the hero. (Another character tells him early on: "You don't look like a detective to me. I've seen movies.") There's a scene where Steckler's character and Carolyn Brandt, his wife at the time, play catch with a briefcase full of heroin. Does this scene advance the plot in any way? Not really, but you can see how much fun they're having doing this scene together. You can also see Godard's influence in the colour scheme, although the fact that I watched an overly dark, muddy transfer in the wrong aspect ratio limited by appreciation of the film's visual qualities.

I think one of the biggest shifts in mindset involved to appreciating low budget movies (as actual good movies, not things to mock) is to understand how a film's production circumstances colour the final product. With a big studio movie, you can throw money at the problem and craft mise-en-scene to suit the story. With smaller budgets, it can work the other way around, sometimes to interesting results. Steckler's movie, shot most likely without permits, is set in locations that feel like L.A.'s b-sides, more disreputable versions of the city's better known imagery, and the fact that the movie is populated by fairly marginal cinema figures adds to that quality. Gary Kent, who was an inspiration for the Brad Pitt character in the Tarantino movie, plays one of the heavies while Coleman Francis, director of The Beast of Yucca Flats, appears as a destitute friend of Steckler's character. At one point, Steckler has to fight Kent and fares a bit better than Bruce Lee did in Tarantino's movie. Does this mean that the director of Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, or even Rat Pfink himself, could beat Bruce Lee? I'm sure there's a Brucesploitation movie that provides an answer. In comparison, Francis's role manages to be even a little moving. Steckler apparently came up with the part after finding Francis destitute and drunk. Francis used his advance to buy a new suit, a shave and a haircut, and arrived on set clean, sober and ready to work. Nobody will accuse Francis of being a great actor (or a great director, given that his movie was featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000; full disclosure, I've watched neither the movie nor the episode), but there's a quiet dignity to his work here.

[macattackp]

Lies Chronically Ill/Injured People Tell Themselves:

1. I Am a Burden Who Only Takes From Others and Can Never Give Back

We all have things that we feel we SHOULD be able to provide. As a guy, it KILLS me that I can’t do things like shovel the driveway, help carry heavy items, or have a job that could make me a breadwinner for someone.

Don’t undersell what you do bring though! For one thing, chronically ill/injured people tend to be masters of empathy, not to mention we get pretty knowledgeable on the medical system. If you aren’t... don’t fret over it! If you can’t do something, then don’t! Focus on what you CAN do instead!

2. I Am Undeserving of Love Because Who Would Take on a Burden Like Me?

This one is another huge struggle for a lot of people. I know as a guy, I feel the added pressure of being worthless if I can’t provide financially for a girl. (No matter how progressive people may be, this progressiveness tends to vanish when their daughters’ well being are concerned), but I know just as many girls who say the same things.

“How can someone love me when I just am stuck in bed all day?” “Why would someone choose me if I could never have kids?” “Who would choose a spouse who may not be able to have sex?”

Look. I’ll be honest, I have no wise advice on this one as to find someone who is willing to support you on your struggles. Nor can I be dense and say “You’re just misreading people!” because let’s admit it... our lives are tough and there are many who would choose not to join us.... what I can say though... is I have had friends who had chronic illnesses. Some could never have sex. Some would require tons of medical expenses. Some were missing limbs or body parts. One was even pretty much guaranteed to die before she turned 30.... And they ended up getting married, and loved, and supported. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I do know it IS possible! So don’t put yourself down or give up hope!

3. I Have to Work Harder to Keep Up With Everyone or Else I Will be a Failure!

This world has a main road, but that main road has a lot of cracks... and there are probably more people in this world who have fallen through the cracks, than walk on the main road. But we feel like everyone in this world is on the main road because once people fall through the cracks they tend to be overlooked even though there are so many of them.

It is not fair, nor is it doable to be expected to keep up with others when you are carrying a different burden. We have the Paralympics for a reason. Would you ask a man with one leg to race against the Olympic sprinters? Would you ask someone carrying a massive boulder to outrun someone without one?

And in all honesty, it is not always as cut and dry as “Accept you’ll get 4th or 5th place.” Our world tends to try to put us on rails. We make everything systematic and anything that doesn’t fit within our metrics is considered broken. We often judge people more by their process than their results! But the way laid out by others as the “Right way” isn’t always the only or even the best way! 

Learn how YOUR body works! I was a horrible student in school until I finally gave up relying on teachers and just studied the way I enjoyed it. I figured at that point “As long as I pass, what else matters.” but had the added surprise when I jumped from a 60′s-70′s student at best to my lowest grade being a 94! It doesn’t always work out this well, but your body is yours. No one else can tell you how it works. Learn from what people have done in the past but look for the way YOU work best! When you look back you realize, none of the biggest world changers really ever lived their lives by the book anyways!

4. I Have To Get Better So I Can Have a Life!

To an extent, this makes sense. Without energy, or finances, and with a schedule stuffed to the gills with doctors appointments meaning you can never go far from home... it is hard to feel like there is really much you can do... but... at the same time....

YOU ARE ALIVE NOW!

You may not have the finances to do what you want. You may not have the social life that you enjoy. You may not have an overabundance of time or energy... But you are alive RIGHT now! You are allowed to live!

Write that book you always wanted! Learn a new language! Cook yourself a big meal! You may tell yourself “BUT I HAVE SO MUCH OTHER STUFF I SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON INSTEAD!” 

Look! That stuff will be there whether you focus on it 24/7 or 12/5! Don’t let it get out of hand, but if you aren’t going to be able to solve it by worrying about it more then don’t! Spend your time doing things that will revitalize you, help you grow, and give you some interesting stories to tell once this is all over!

5. I Am Not Allowed to Be Happy or Have Fun Until I Am Better!

This one is a tough one as it ties into our impostor syndrome. That horrible feeling that we get every time we start to enjoy ourselves or smile in public of “Oh no! What if people assume I’ve been faking this whole time?!?!?!”

You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to smile. You are allowed to have good things happen to you. Yeesh, there is no time in life that it is more important to have happy moments than through hardships!

Being happy or enjoying yourself from time to time through hardships isn’t a sign that your hardships were never that hard. It is a sign that you are fighting forward. That you aren’t letting this take over your life. And plus, as human beings we NEED hope and happiness... we die both mentally and physically without it

6. There is No Future After This

This is one that I personally struggle with... if we count the 6 years of trauma as a kid that originally gave me PTSD, and these last 7+ years of pushing as hard as I can only to fail harder and harder (including these last 2.5 years that have been giving me a whole new layer of trauma on top of my previous trauma) I’m reaching the point where more than half my life has been going through miserable, destructive times where I lose most things that matter to me and find myself alone at the start again in a dark place. It is hard... honestly... Anyone who follows my account and sees my tagless venting posts know that there are more than enough times I question why I even try anymore when I don’t even know what’s left of me...

But there was a movie I watched a while ago... another cheesy hallmark movie, but it was a good one as far as hallmark movies go. I remember they had this one line in it that really stuck with me.

“I’ve lost everything 3-4 times now! It’s the perfect place to start!”

Now I’m not as optimistic as that ambitious old man from the movie was... but I do know this.... You never know what life can hold. The same way you can lose everything that matters to you in a year, I’ve seen people gain more than they ever thought possible in a week. Not to say we are all about to win the lottery or by some miracle wake up completely healed of all afflictions... but I do believe that if it was possible to have things go this bad, it is also possible for things to go much better.

And let’s admit it. You might be thinking “Oh! But I’m not strong enough to make it happen!” and you’d be right... you aren’t. But honestly who is? We live in a world where tons of people succeed or fail... and very few I can say “earned it.”

Life IS unfair, but if it wasn’t, we’d all be dead! What we really get upset about is that it seems to be more unfair in some peoples’ favour than our own. But life is tough. The fact that any of us live is a miracle in itself. Don’t limit what the future holds for you based on what you feel you’re able to do. You aren’t a static person, and this world doesn’t rise or fall on your shoulders either! (even though it feels like that most mornings). Give it your best with what you’ve got every day, and realize even if each day feels like a year, this is still only a season of life. Personally I want to fight and survive long enough to see a day where this all seems like it was worth it!

7. I Will Never Be Self Sufficient!

The lie in this one isn’t that you will be self sufficient! The lie is that people assume ANYONE is self sufficient!

Look. Do you see people growing their own food? Even if they do, do they grow their own fertilizer? Even if they do, did they build their house from scratch, their car, their fridge, do all their electrical work, never once look up anything on the internet?!?!?! No!

We are NOT a self sufficient species. From the minute we are born we NEED people just to stay alive let alone to succeed! So you have to rely on people in a way you don’t see others needing to rely on people! Does an electrician complain that he needs to call someone to fix the backed up pipes when the plumber doesn’t??? No! That would be stupid! And to try and fix it on his own would be stupider! 

You are ALLOWED to rely on others. You are ALLOWED to ask for help. This doesn’t make you any less of a person! This makes you human!

8. I’m Not Worth It . . .

This is something I struggled with even before I realized just how much was stacked against me from the start... I remember one time, someone very precious to me sat down in front of me and for 15 minutes she said nothing else but “YOU ARE WORTHY!” She repeated it over and over again in different ways, not letting me talk and refusing to say anything else until I finally just accepted that I maybe was. Times change, and she may not be around to say that anymore, but those words still stick with me, and that moment still pops in my head every time I am feeling really down on myself like a planted warrior to fight against my internal self doubt...

There are many things in our lives that make us feel worthless.... “I messed up and hurt them.” “I have a lot of health concerns.” “I am not attractive.” “I have a perverted mind.” “I don’t fit with what society says I should be.” “My parents/people who I care about said I wasn’t good enough.” The list goes on... but YOU ARE WORTHY!

“But I don’t deserve to be happy!” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve anyone to put up with me.” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a happy life” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a second chance.” YOU DO!

Whatever you’re worried about

Whatever is bugging you

Whatever lies are bouncing around in your head right now saying you should just disappear and stop being a bother to others

YOU

ARE

WORTHY!

Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise, LEAST of all yourself!

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what you’ve done or haven’t done.... but I can tell you this right now. You are a one of a kind beautiful life. You are allowed to exist in this world, you are allowed to flourish, you are allowed to enjoy your time with it and interact with others. What’s more, you aren’t just put up with, you are NEEDED! Because there is only one of you out there, and this world needs you. Treat yourself well, and let yourself know just how valuable you are. You are you, and that is beautiful!

[sing-selah]

Selah.

If you read through the Psalms of the Bible, you’ll find this word regularly.

History has lost the true definition of the word, but it’s thought to express the sentiment of “forever”, or perhaps it means “to take a break.” One online dictionary indicates that it may indicate a pause for contemplation.

2020 was a year for Selah.

Everyone took a break, and it felt like it was going to last forever.

The whole world was forced to take a step back and evaluate operations, contemplate the nature of how we live. For many, the chaos and stress were too much to process. Mental health assistance was hot in demand, and so were yoga mats. I, myself, also attended therapy and bought a hot pink foam mat. We were all looking for comfort and means to cope in the chaos.

I lost 20 pounds and gained 80 with the new addition of my dog-son Samson. (He’s a Great Pyrenees, a massive fluff.) I know I’m quite blessed to be able to say I gained good things during the pandemic, when so many suffered unimaginable loss.

When the New Year approached, we all awaited with bated breath.

Would 2021 be a better year for us?

This year was the first New Year’s Eve I have ever spent alone. I thought this would sadden me, but as I sat on my bed sipping wine and watching Samson gobble down his celebratory ice cream, I was surprised at the peace I felt.

I had achieved more than I thought myself capable with losing that 20 pounds; making small but consistent changes in my daily diet and habits. As I reflected on this, I decided to make 2021 a year for even more growth!

I took to Amazon, searching for a goal-oriented planner. I knew I needed something more than years past, where I would make a list of what I wanted and promptly forget where it was placed (also forgetting the declarations therein).

I decided on a sunshine-yellow beauty by BoxcleverPress that broke the year into quarters and had sufficient room to document my goals and plan for success. This lovely agenda contained pages for 8 goals, with space to document what the goal would mean for me and keep track via quarterly check-ins. The blank pages in the back were perfect for brainstorming, and I made good use of it. I also asked friends on social media what their most rewarding resolutions had been and used that as fuel for thought.

Of the MANY ideas I had, I settled on the following:

1. Lose 60 pounds

· Being the shortie that I am, charts for my height indicates a “healthy” weight for me is 140 pounds. I haven’t been 140 lbs since I was 16 years old, and honestly I was probably being optimistic on my driver’s license even then…

· For those that hate the maths, this is only 5 pounds a month. This felt semi-do-able for me. I figured if I missed it, better to aim high (or low, as it were).

2. Create more, enjoying hobbies

· 1 piece of art

· 1 poem or song

· 1 playlist (I planned to make playlists for those I love, so this also seemed like a good relationship builder.)

· 1 journal entry per month

3. Read 1 book per month

· In my ambition, I thought it would be beneficial to pick a different category every month. I chose English lit, health/wellness, non-fiction, poetry, fiction, historical, International classic, self-help, biography, science focused, math focused, spiritual/faith. These distinctions were quickly thrown out of the window, as I already own a lot of books that needed to be read. And as all lit nerds know… I continue to acquire more! I’ve just been selecting the one I was most excited to read every month.

4. Better manage my finances.

· Save $1000 by the end of the year

· Eliminate my credit card debt

· Spend $120 on groceries per month

· Cut unnecessary spending (Read: regular online shopping for undies and makeup. I also found it helpful to take a break from social media, as this is where I was constantly being advertised to by my favorite brands.)

5. Explore areas of curiosity

· 1 focus per quarter

· I wasn’t sure what this would look like, I just wanted to focus on learning more about areas of interest, like fashion and nutrition.

6. Complete 1 home improvement project per quarter

· I had plenty to work with here. Fixing the kitchen light, garage door, garage light, painting front porch, painting back porch, painting the exterior, painting my bathroom, cleaning out the overgrown backyard…

7. Grow my abilities in the kitchen!

· 1 new savory (preferably International) dish per month

· 1 new baked good per month

· Note: Originally, I said 1 new recipe a week. This did not happen. I adjusted.

8. Be more intentional in my spirituality

· Keep the Sabbath regularly

· Fast once a quarter

Phew.

That was a lot to outline! It seemed a little (a lot) ambitious, but I felt it would be better to set the bar high for myself. I wasn’t sure if I could manage all of that, but monthly self-check-ins were a helpful tool in seeing growth. Perfect, I am not. I’ve yet to meet all of those goals; but seeing even some achievement is a constant encouragement.

As the adage proclaims, change doesn’t happen overnight!

So why share now?

First, journaling once a month is part of the goals!

Secondly, I’m hoping a shared blog will hold me more accountable, and maybe I’ll even get some helpful tips from others as I work towards my goals.

Third, I believe any achievement is a result of hard work and blessings from God. I think it’s only right to share that light with others. I hope my journey can be encouraging, or at least entertaining, for my friends and family.

I’ll be sharing a blog post at least once a month, maybe more if I’m feeling feisty. I’ll be posting to tumblr under the username sing-selah and sharing on my social media.

I'll end my post by asking you to implement a little Selah (pause to contemplate) in your life.

[fungusqueen]

Here it is! The promised car-buying tips from my amateur and frugal experience! My general tips are to be prepared, do your homework, and don’t get caught off guard by not doing research and agreeing to things/paying for things you didn’t plan on. 

Car salesmen are not your friends and they’re trying to lead you down the path that’s most profitable for them, which is never going to be the best situation for you. It’s their job to try to sell you on a bunch of stuff you don’t need, so be prepared for their tricks and understand the process so you’re not blindsided. Something specific to the coronavirus pandemic is that dealerships will be very desperate to sell (because no one is buying cars right now) and dealerships are willing to take a loss on a sale! BUT! If you go unprepared, it may also leave you vulnerable to dealerships attempting to do unethical shit BECAUSE they are so desperate to sell. They might try to make profits in places you may not suspect. A lot of aspects of buying a car (especially in financing car) sound good up front, but you might find out you’re getting screwed over. 

I’m not going to discuss what makes a good car, or what you should buy etc. because I really don’t know and that’s your business! I’m mainly going to talk about the steps before and during the car-buying process (inside of a dealership and over the phone inquiring prices etc). I did my car search and car-buying alone (due to the global pandemic and my own desire to have minimal contact with others) and for my first time ever! So I’m only going to share my experience and offer resources.

I recommend this podcast episode from NPR’s Life Kit, “How to Buy a Car Without Being Taken for a Ride” as a simple starting point for car buying advice. It’s 23 min long. I know not everyone will listen to the podcast episode (and you don’t have to) so I summarized some of those episode tips below and elaborated on certain points.

1) Don’t appear too excited (at the dealership); they will try to build your excitement as high as possible. Playing on your emotions and creating a fantasy of a new life in a new car puts you in a position to make irrational decisions. When I was in the dealership, they actually asked me “Are you excited?” and I said “No.” I was also wearing a face mask, so with half my face covered, concealing my excitement was pretty easy! Their attempts may also appear as them trying to get you to talk shit about your old car to get you complaining, and further idealizing your future car. Overall, appearing too eager will not make them fight over you to get a sale. Make them beg!

2) Get pre-approved for a loan before going to a dealership. Know what kind of interest rate you can get and what kind of monthly payment you can afford. Your credit score will inform this; the better your score, the better your rate will be (so if you have time to improve your score, try to build it as high as possible). Your bank/credit union should have rates listed easily online. You don’t have to be a member of a credit union to get a loan with them, but there may be a discounts if you’re already a member. PLEASE KNOW that after applying for a loan, your bank/credit union will give you a time limit on how long you have to find a car/use the loan. My credit union gave me 20 days from the time I applied, but it can vary. You can also call to increase or decrease the loan if the car you initially wanted is no longer available or you choose a different one. When you apply for a loan, you have to supply the VIN (Vehicle Identification Number), but obviously car shopping can change so make sure you supply your bank/credit union with the new VIN number of the car you decide to go with. Your bank/credit union may not approve you for a car that is too old. This happened to me (I first applied for a 2013 car in my budget) and they let me know they typically dont approve loans for cars older than 2014, which was a blessing in disguise because I found a newer model of the same car for around the same price. I ended up changing the car VIN/loan amount 3 times overall from the time I first got pre-approved for my car loan. Just keep your bank/credit union updated. Also! It’s not necessary but it helps if they can send a written (emailed) confirmation of the loan amount with APR listed, as the dealership will need it later in the finance office. 

3) Definitely TEST DRIVE a car you see online before considering purchasing it. It might feel different than you thought! I test drove an older model of the car I wanted before test driving a slightly newer model and I’m really glad I test drove the older one so I had something to compare it too. There was only a two year difference between the models but the upgrades made a difference in ways I wouldn’t have thought before sitting in the driver’s seat!

4) Beware the 7 year car loan. It’s probably not the right car for you if you need 84 months to pay off. Car loans are not like home loans; cars are always depreciating in value. Interest on car loans is also always front-loaded, so the money you put in your first few years will mostly go towards your interest, not the principal of your car loan, and you could be spending way more than you thought. If the car does not last you 7 years, you may owe more than the car ends up being worth if you want to or have to sell it. At this point, it might be a smarter decision to lease a car, if for whatever reason, you insist on getting a specific car. 

4.5) To add to this last point, you’ve probably seen dealership ads on TV or in print that say “0% APR for 84 months!” This is kind of a scam (at least imo) because it’s very seductive in a way that can distract you from other ways you can save. These advertisements serve the purpose of getting people into showrooms. This is because interest rate is only ONE SMALL FACTOR into finding what’s right for your budget. An APR offer is minimal compared to your monthly payment...if the monthly payment is too high (overall car price too high), are you really saving $$? These offers might even be for a shorter payment term, (ex. 36 month instead of 60 month), your monthly payment could be too high for your budget because you didn’t have the flexibility outside of this offer! If your term payment is longer (ex. 84 months), while your car depreciates in value, you may end up owing more than it’s worth by time you pay it off. 7 years is a long time! As well, these offers are usually only for NEW cars (again, more expensive than necessary) and buying used might be a better option. As well, they are not transparent about the minimum credit score required to qualify for 0% APR, so you may not even qualify...even with great credit! The 0% offer is also usually offered along with other incentives, like a manufacturer rebate (thousand $ and above). You’ll often have to chose between one incentive or the other...you could be turning down a multi-thousand dollar rebate because that 0% is very seductive...but if you did the math, it might not be the best option for your budget. ALSO! If you’re going to buy new anyway, banks/credit unions offer better APR rates for new cars rather than used so compare. If you can get a super low APR from your credit union on a new car, why get stuck with a higher monthly payment on a too long/too short loan term you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen just to get that 0%?

5) To continue with the point above ^^ When you are with the salesman, start with price of the car and don’t talk about ANYTHING else until later. THIS IS WHERE THEY GET YOU! They will try to get you to talk about financing, how much money you want to put down etc. BEFORE promising you a juicy competitive price on the car. SO! APR rates shouldn’t even be discussed until you can agree to the price of the car! Sort of another way they GET YA! So distracting! Can prevent you from getting your lowest overall price possible! 

6) IT IS SO FRICKEN IMPORTANT AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, BECAUSE THIS HAS HELPED ME THE MOST OF ANY TIP I’VE HEARD FROM FRIENDS: ASK FOR OTD (Out the door) price. The prices you see listed online or on a sticker on the car window are not the prices you’ll end up paying. OTD price includes everything, tax, fees etc. A few dealerships nearby had the same car I wanted (only varying slightly in color, mileage etc. but exact same year and model) so I called a few and said “HI I saw your car online, could you give me the OTD (out the door) price?” Ask them to break it down for you, what’s the price of the car, what’s tax, document fee, dmv fee, etc. If the OTD price is very high above the car price plus tax, beware! You should not be paying thousands of dollars in additional mystery fees. If a handful of dealerships have basically the same car, see which one can give you the best price. If a dealership cannot be up-front about their OTD price, and break it down for you so you know how all the money is adding up, RUN AWAY! You can ask for this information over the phone, some fees are often not necessary and are negotiable.

With this coronavirus pandemic, you should not be paying this full OTD price on the car, ask for at least 10% off and see what they say. In my situation, I called, got the OTD price at two different dealerships, one dealership asked me what they could do to get my business and I said, “I might come in today if you can give me 10% off the OTD price.” (I was cackling behind my phone tbh! it seemed ridiculous to me but whatevs). The salesman I was speaking to calculated it, said he’d call me back after asking his manager. When he called me back, they offered me just under 10% off...which sounded pretty sweet to me because the car was already being sold below it’s Kelly Blue Book value and that was the dealership I eventually went with. So u never know if you don’t ask! I asked the same of another dealership and they basically said no. So call around! This guy, Kevin Hunter, on youtube, gave me this idea! His channel is full of car buying wisdom so I highly recommend! 

He has a great recent video specifically about the car buying market in during this coronavirus pandemic. He has videos on topics like, honest car salesman techniques, are certified preowned vehicles worth it, fake fees you shouldn’t pay for, etc. 

7) Something I experienced that Kevin Hunter ^ also explains, (in this video titled, CAR SALESMAN TRICKS YOU into buying a car! DEALERSHIP Rip off: The SET UP) is this weird 4 square setup they did to me...and they do to everyone at a dealership. It’s another distraction tactic, that they will use to distract you from getting a good price on the car. It will look like this:

So the salesman will bring this informal piece of paper out. It’s not a contract, it’s not official, but they’re going to use this paper to pull information from you THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE THEM! At the point they bring this out, you should only be talking about car sales price. So this piece of paper has spaces to write trade in value (if you’re bringing in your old car to trade in), down payment, monthly payment, and car price. Anything that is not the car sales price will be used against you to try and get you to pay more. They’re trying to create the best profit for the dealership. 

When I was at the dealership, the salesman kept pushing me to say how much cash I wanted to put down, what kind of monthly payment I wanted (ie. how much money can I spend), (and in my situation, I didn’t have a trade-in car, so discussion about that wasn’t brought up). Practice refusing to answer these questions...I kept saying I did not want to discuss financing or cash down until we could agree to the price of the car. You can also say you prefer to discuss this with the finance manager. He tried to get me to sign this 4-Square paper with a higher price on it than I was given on the phone. Do not sign this, it’s weird. I brought out a paper with a much lower price and asked him to sign off on that price instead. Bring the focus back to the car price. Be prepared to walk out and TELL THEM you will leave if you don’t get the price you want! 

which leads me to my next point...

8) DO NOT SAY YOU ARE PAYING CASH. Do not say how much cash you have, do not discuss HOW you are paying at any point with the salesman. After you can agree to a favorable price on the car, you’ll be handed to a finance manager in another room. The salesman is NOT the finance officer. You should not tell your salesman your financial details. If anything, you only have to give the salesman VERY BASIC details so they can run a credit check before handing you to the finance manager.

and below....here is a WHY YOU SHOULDN’T DISCUSS HOW YOU’RE PAYING WITH THE SALESMAN. 

9) Dealers can make a lot of money off a car loan...if you finance through them. Make them believe in the possibility that you might finance through them. They might give you a lower price on the car because they might assume they can get ya with a high APR or long term payment...which will bring them money in the long term. Don’t tell them you’re financing through your bank/credit union before you settle on the car price! In some cases though, a dealership might be able to give you a better deal thank your bank. You can say, “Why don’t you run my credit and see what you can offer me” and then see if it’s better than what your bank/credit union can give you. They also might test you with a high APR, even if you qualify for a lower APR (just to see if you’ll take it), and might even use details of your credit report against you...

10) If you have a trade in, they will also try to make a profit from not giving you enough $$ for your old car. Get a price quote from Carmax and check the Kelly Blue Book value beforehand to see if they’re giving you a good price. If it’s not good enough, you might want to consider walking away from the dealership and just selling to Carmax. Because of online transparency and easy access to prices of cars, they will try to make money in other areas OTHER THAN the car price, and this is one of them. 

11) After you’ve settled on the price of the car and they’ve run your credit, you’ll be moved from the salesman to the finance office...where you’ll be signing contracts and discussing other add-ons, (warranties, insurances, protections etc.) When you’re in the finance office, DONT BUY ANY ADD ONS THE DAY YOU BUY YOUR CAR. If you decide to, research a good price for what they offer you. You can call the dealership and ask to speak to the finance manager ahead of time and ask what additional items you may be offered. These might be paint protection, tire protection, extended warranties, gap insurance etc. When they offer these things to you, they are often overpriced. You can also get these later, or get these elsewhere for a better price. Research ahead of time to see what’s right for you and don’t try to figure it out unprepared because they will try to convince you. 

That concludes my numbered dealership tips! I probably left some stuff out, so please continue to do your research.

This podcast episode from This American Life, 129 Cars, illustrates the importance of using timing and desperation on the part of salespeople to your advantage. This is a longer listen, over an hour long, but it follows salespeople during their work day as they try to meet their monthly quota in order to reach their sales bonus. Towards the end of the month can be an ideal buying time because dealerships may be willing to take a loss or make no commission from a sale because if they’re able to reach their quota, they will either...not be fired, or they may receive a sizeable bonus. Overall, TIMING can be key in getting a good deal. Dealerships also have yearly sales quotas, so if you can wait, you may be able to get a better deal on a car towards the end of the year. 

As well, I recommend a Monday/weekday since dealerships are least busy during this time. AND! If you need to contact your bank, it might be impossible on the weekend. Because of coronavirus, operating hours for banks/credit unions have been shortened so if you need to finalize some financing details or ask your bank/credit union questions, make sure you’re able to do so when needed! I ran into this problem and was delayed because my credit union was closing early. 

One last tip! You also will also need to insure this new car so call your car insurance carrier and let them know you’re car shopping and they can help you add the new car to your current policy, or change your current insurance. You car insurance might increase or decrease with the addition of a new car. And if you’re getting a car with a higher value, you might want to consider adding more coverage to your current coverage. The dealership might give you free temporary insurance so you can drive the car off the lot with coverage. When I called my insurance carrier to add this new car onto my policy, it didn’t take effect until midnight that night so the dealership gave me temporary insurance just in case something happened on the drive home. You legally do need insurance to drive it off the lot or if you’ve never been insured before. So if you’re currently on somebody else’s policy, get some quotes from different insurance carriers and try to get an idea of the future cost.

Those are all my tips! This took a lot longer than I thought, heh heh, but I seriously hope this helps someone because buying a car is a HUGE DEAL and there’s so much potential to get taken advantage of due to the lack of transparency!!! There’s a lot more I could have covered so I encourage you to take more time to do more research! And good luck if you plan on buying a car soon!

[tangenciales]

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I AM A SURVIVOR

You read about it all the time, you see it happening to close ones around you and then it hits you (however, my heart’s innate desire is that it doesn’t happen to ANYONE)

To straightaway get to the point who might not have the time to go through the end of the post, I BATTLED COVID and am writing this in the pink of health. 

I came to Kolkata with the thought that being around my near and dear ones in this tasking period of lockdown will help retain my sanity and so it did, initially. Hardly had I completed a fortnight in Kolkata when I was diagnosed and thus began our battle- battle against the disease, battle with sanity and a couple of others which I would not like to name.

Sadly, more than COVID. it was a pain to deal with the stigma that surrounds it. The hype around COVID is not all flashy and clickbaity. COVID makes you sick, really really sick. So much so, given the one ‘million-dollar moment’ I have in a day or the 11:11 I see, I wish for nothing but the world to cope with this faster. And now that I am a victor, I am going to donate my plasma and help in any case study or research required in whatsoever way I can. JUST END THIS SHIT!

On the days which were extremely rough and I thought I will succumb, my near and dear ones kept me going. I have seen people I counted among ‘my people’ leave my side. I have seen people (my very, very own), whom I thought were there for my occasional highs and always lows, victim-blame me. There were days when I went through hell (literal hell on Earth I am talking about), but didn’t give up due to a few people who I owe my ‘second life’ to.

Firstly, I would like to thank my doctor, who was a baton of hope when I called him at odd hours, crying that I might not make it. And he, in turn, would patiently explain to me that I am as fit as a fiddle even in the days which were probably the grimmest days in my life. My father, my mother, my brother, who took stands for me, faced all odds, did all the hard work and ensured that I should be around like how to pen this blog post for you. COVID reunited us like never before (I am sure there were better ways too, but I don’t have any complaints.. duh!)

My constant, my best friend, my pillar of support - Abhratanu Bhowal - I don’t have the right words to describe what a huge role you had in bestowing this second life to me. You went against all odds and stood by me when I had the most uncomfortable COVID test (since I already have a nasal issue). You wiped my tears when I came out of the test room. You figured my isolation room before I began my battle and even spread the bedsheets for me. From getting me all the necessary medicines since my family couldn’t step out to standing by me when I would be really sick and tell you that I might not make it - you were the one who gave me hope that I am here to stay, recover and party with you after I am all hale and hearty and I love you so much for this. Here’s making a public promise - you will find me even in the roughest times in your life, till my last breath!

Shruti Das, my soulmate, without whose prayers and constant motivation that I am a fighter, I would not have made it through. Again coming back to my eternal question - what would I do without you! My sister from another mother, Sinjini Chanda, who constantly blackmailed me about showing up at her own wedding wearing shorts, T-shirt and gloss lipstick if I did not make it through. Trust me you, this thought scared me more than COVID itself and see, I made it Dee! Now, remember your promise (teehee!). My uncle, Sanjoy Chanda, my auntie, Saibalini Chanda, your constant concern, guidance and prayers helped me make it through. I love you guys so so much! 

My organisation, who assured me to not even think about work and leaves and that health should be my first priority. This took away 60 per cent of worries. I am so so so grateful to be associated with a firm like this! My seniors and colleagues at work, who never failed to call me, check on me and assuring me that I will be fine before I can imagine. You guys are family! Thank you so so much!

My spiritual chariot, Bharat Soka Gakkai (BSG), my members, who would chant for hours for my speedy recovery and who would rejoice at the slightest health improvement that I had. I owe it all to you!

Trust me guys, we often worry about romance, finance and other aspects of life. But when I was almost battling for life in my 14-day quarantine, I realised we are nothing without good health. Everything else is obsolete. So you know what I am hinting at... health before anything else!

It was a long post and many of you might not have read it till here, but that’s okay. As this pops us as a memory every year, I want to remind myself that if I could battle something as harsh as COVID, I can battle anything. And so can you guys! This disease can hit anyone. But what matters is how you can hit it back. Trust me you, it ain’t easy but it is completely tackle-able.

Here’s hoping that all of you stay safe, sane and be more compassionate towards people who have it. 

Shine on!

All my love,

A Survivor

[nomorelonelydays]

kick your pretty feet up on my dash

Part 1

-

Sidney retires a little earlier than he thought he would, at age 34.

 He retreats into a small town in Oregon. It’s not a hockey town. No one knows who Sidney Crosby is, and it’s an unexpected blessing.

 He hadn’t meant to land in Cardwell Point. It’s a little vacation-ville that boasts an annual fair every summer; it has an artificial lake, a small, quiet cabin that Sidney now calls home, a garden where he can grow tomatoes (that refuses to grow), and friendly enough neighbors who are all, for the most part, below the age of 18 or over 60 and have been in the town for about three centuries. It’s far enough away from Pittsburgh, he supposes, so that’s a plus.

 He knows the organization had expect him to stay, working with the team as a coach or at least for the sake of the Little Penguins program. He remembers the looks they’d given him when he’d broken the news to the front office. But it hurts more than it should, being so close to Geno hockey and not able to do anything about it.

 Maybe his heart has gotten softer with age.

 Maybe that’s why he packed so quickly, because when Geno asked him so mournfully, “Where you gonna be?” on his last day, he’d nearly changed his mind.

 “I’ll let you know,” Sidney promises. A little white lie.

 “You tell me soon, or I find you,” Geno says fiercely.

 Geno had hugged him like he didn’t want to let go, and perhaps he lingered a bit. But Sidney had simply chalked it up to him projecting. As usual.

 He’s spent the majority of his time in the NHL hoping for a man to love him back. He’d wanted the handholding, the late night, date night kisses on an empty street, and he’d been willing to wait years for it—did wait years for it. He had been ecstatic when they gave the C to Geno, finally. His heart had lurched forward, almost painfully, when Geno beamed at him, shy and determined under the weight of the letter, and Sidney tells himself that he’s happy. He is happy. He will be happy.

 “So what’s next?” Flower asks, voice choppy (always) through the phone.

 He figured he’d get a dog or something, maybe spend his hours fishing and not thinking about hockey or Geno or what anyone must think about him practically vanishing.

 He did not imagine that he’d be dragging himself up at 4 in the morning, post-retirement, to a bakery that must’ve been in this town when Christ himself was born, to be up to his elbows with flour and butter. The owner, Deidre, is 68 years old, had laughed in his face when she first met him, squeezed in the corner of her café and brooding over his coffee, when he’d told her that he’s retired.

 “What the hell do you mean, retired? You’re about 18, right?”

 Sidney knows he looks nowhere near 18, but Deidre also doesn’t look she’s got the best eyesight around, so.

 It takes about four more coffee runs, three “on the house” chess pies that Deidre insists on feeding him, and two times of Sidney helping her transporting bags of flour from the truck to the kitchen when she’d been short-staffed, that he realizes he’s accidentally stumbled into a some sort of volunteer-job hybrid.

 But he likes it.

 He has the time, and Deidre needs the help even if she won’t admit it. He likes listening to Deidre talk about the town and her husband (who hasn’t been alive since 2013, Sidney realizes way too late, when he makes the blunder of asking where he is—to which Deidre responds, ‘Who the hell knows. Fucking around up there, probably’) and her dry humor. He likes bringing out the trays of brioche rolls and learning the names of the regulars, from the adults stumbling in at 6:30 AM for their morning coffee, to the kids who come into the store for their afterschool cookies. (He endures the moms who—not subtly—tries to flirt with him while taking half the day to buy a dozen muffins.) He likes kneading the dough for the tarts, because it helps him forget about all those warnings the doctors said about how if he kept going, hockey’s going to knock out his knee once and for all and he’d be lucky to be able to walk at all.

 Deidre asked him how he ended up at Cardwell Point, just once.

 “You running away from home?” she asks, very seriously. Her glasses are sliding off her nose. “Don’t you lie to me. I’ll know.”

 “Not really?” He’d kind of googled ‘small town’ and ‘West Coast’ and ‘house for sale,’ because ‘where to go after retiring at age 34’ hadn’t given him a lot of useful results (or any).

 “This is a very small town, and I know this because I never left this place,” Deidre says. “No one comes here unless they were trying to get away from somewhere. A girlfriend, maybe?”

 Before Sidney can say anything, she quickly adds, “Boyfriend?”

 His hands stop for a briefly moment, but he catches himself and gets back into the rhythm of piping the cupcake. “Um.”

 “Anyways,” Deidre says, already moving on and washing her hands, “I’ve been thinking of naming the desserts. Like a person name. I think it’d give them character, help them sell better. I’d want to name a cheesecake after my mother—that was her favorite thing to make when I was little, but I never really got the hang of messing around with cream cheese. What do you think?”

 Sidney nods because it doesn’t matter to him either way. He’s suddenly struck with the fact that he hasn’t called Geno in weeks, even though he told Geno he would right after he’s settled in. And Geno hasn’t texted either, which aches like a dull, forgotten thing at the pit of his stomach.

 He doesn’t have the heart to be the one to break their silence streak, because there’s a tiny part of him that’s still that afraid if he hears Geno’s voice, sounding so far away, he’d want to fly right back where he started, to break his heart all over again.

 One afternoon, he’s making tags for the mini cakes and cookies with Deidre when, out of the blue, he blurts out, “I, uh, I really wasn’t lying. I had to leave my job because of medical reasons. My knee, it’s not—I can’t strain it too much. And um—he wasn’t a boyfriend. It wasn’t…it wasn’t ever going to happen.”

 He kind of wants Deidre to spit out some sage, grandmotherly advice, not unlike a fortune cookie. He could use a fortune cookie. She has four kids, after all, all scattered in cities across the East Coast or the Bay Area, working in tech or finance or whatever the hell she had said. But she merely pats his arm and nods.

 “Well, you have Cardwell Point now, if you want it,” she says, finishing up the lettering on her sign with a loopy ‘y’ for Lily. “There. My mother’s name. This one will be for the mini-cheesecakes. When I figure out how to make them right.”

 He doesn’t know if that’s what he’s waiting for. But he’s spent so long chasing after things he can’t have that Deidre unofficially gifting him Cardwell Point makes his chest bubble up with something wonderful. He ducks his head low and finishes up cursive ‘a’ on his own card.

Day 65 into retirement, and Sidney doesn’t write a tell-all, post-retirement article about his life and regrets like what Deadspin is probably salivating for. (To be fair, Sidney doesn’t even know who to go to first to start publishing something like that.)

 It’s way worse.

 He opens an Instagram account.

 @DeesBakeryCafe

Come in to see us and these lemon-curd filled, poppy seed muffins (The Trina) tomorrow! Happy Friday, everyone.

 The muffins are artfully placed next to the window seat, where the sunlight gleams off the drizzled glaze. It gets 56 likes, which Sidney honestly believes might be just about the general portion of the town who have working smartphones and knows how to use it.

 To Sidney’s surprise, they sell out the next day. Seeing Deidre’s display case empty at least an hour before they close and listening to Deidre chatter excitedly over their next seasonal item feels almost as exhilarating as winning a game. Maybe even just as good.  

 He only wishes he’d stop wondering what Geno would say if he knows what Sidney is up to. If he’d even want to know.

[amphtaminedreams]

We Voted for Murderers

65.2%.

That’s the percentage of people who voted for the Conservative candidate in my constituency, and I feel completely heartbroken. See, things have properly gone to shit. 

If we’re talking numbers?

Local councils estimate the number of people sleeping rough on any given night between 2010 and 2018 has risen from 1,768 to 4,677, a 165% increase. The Trussell Trust, the UK’s largest food bank charity, has reported a 5,146% increase in emergency food parcels being distributed since 2008. An 8% cut in spending per school pupil since 2009. Funding from central government to local government cut by 60% in that same period. £37 billion less spent on working-age social security compared to over a decade ago by 2020. A 90% fall in the number of social homes being built since 2010. A £7,300,000 decrease in funding for women’s shelters between 2011 and 2017. Don’t even get me started on the government’s treatment of the NHS.

I’ve heard stories of individuals applying for PIP due to mental illness being berated about suicide attempts and the likelihood of another as part of a “formal interview” process to see whether they qualify. People collapsing in job centre queues, freezing to death on the streets and the elderly in their homes, suicides whilst on never ending mental healthcare waiting lists. In fact, 17,000 sick and/or disabled individuals have died whilst waiting for PIP payments to come through, and in total, UCL researchers have linked 120,000 deaths to austerity (I’m not going to comment on the irony of my former university that’s notoriously lacklustre when it comes to giving a fuck about the wellbeing of its students publishing this unless...I just did?). 8 years of negligent homicide of the most vulnerable people in our society under the Conservative government and we voted them back in.

So I ask, are people really stupid enough to believe that the politicians responsible for this mess are the ones who are going to fix it just because they make a few characteristically empty promises on TV or does the British public at large really give even less of a fuck about other people than I thought? As in actually not give a fuck about people dying?

I have to tell myself it’s the former. The press’ treatment of Jeremy Corbyn and Labour was scathing. 

Corbyn, a man who has stood by the same principles of fairness, justice, and equality, for the entirety of his career, was criticised by the likes of The Sun, The Daily Mail, and The Telegraph, for being indecisive and a threat to this country whilst Boris Johnson, a man who can barely string a sentence together when he is asked to give a straight answer to something and blocked the release of a report covering Russian interference in British politics, was held up as the one people should put their faith in. 

I know, the press are never going to be completely neutral. But shouldn’t they at least be committed to integrity? And the truth? Isn’t that the WHOLE FUCKING POINT of journalism? I’ve been hearing the phrase “post-truth world” thrown around a lot and it’s probably an indication of my privilege that it was only with this election that I properly understood what that meant; it was found by the NGO First Draft just 2 days before the election, damage way past the point of done, that 88% of the Conservative Party’s Facebook ads (compared to 0% of Labour’s ads) contained misleading information. The repercussions were non-existent. After Boris Johnson’s claim that Jeremy Corbyn wanted to raise corporation and income tax to the highest levels in Europe was publicised, only Channel 4′s Factcheck website published the actual statistics (France, Belgium, Portugal and Greece all have much higher corporation tax rates than Labour’s proposal). Similarly, in many constituencies, the Lib Dems were posting fliers where Labour candidates were, in the previous election, the runner ups to the Conservative candidate, claiming that it was instead THEIR party’s candidate who had the highest chance of unseating the latter. Days before the election, the headline of one of Britain’s most highly circulated papers claimed that a Corbyn government would plunge us into a crisis the likes of which “we haven’t seen the Second World War”, which is kind of wild considering that 130,000 preventable deaths have been linked to austerity under the Conservative government compared to 70,000 civilian deaths in said war. Not that either is good, obviously, and I can’t believe I have to point that out. But then, right-wingers did paint Jeremy Corbyn as a monster for passing up watching the Queen’s Christmas Day speech to volunteer at a homeless shelter, so I thought I’d just cover my back, y’know. 

Shouldn’t there be standards that the media is held to? You know, like not making slanderous statements about some politicians that have no actual basis in fact whilst brushing over the statements of others. Whilst the PM’s father Stanley Johnson was on nation television calling the public illiterate, and Jacob Rees-Mogg was blaming the Grenfell victims deaths on their “lack of common sense”, and Michael Gove was stating that people who needed to use food banks had brought it on themselves because they were not “best able to manage their finances”, it was Jeremy Corbyn who was being called an enemy of the people, accused of trying to plunge us into a “Marxist hell”...I mean, if Denmark and Norway and Finland with some of the highest living standards in the world are “Marxist hell”s  then sure, that’s what he’s doing. But that’s a hell I’m sure a lot of people would find much comfier than a freezing cold pavement. Before Labour had even released their (fully-costed!) manifesto, barefaced lies were being published about how much it would cost and how it would plunge us into trillions of pounds worth of debt, as if it hasn’t increased from £1 trillion to £1.8 trillion in the years since David Cameron took office. Meanwhile, when Labour did publish their manifesto and the Financial Times published a letter signed by 163 prominent economists and academics backing their spending plans? Crickets. Nothing sums it up better than the debate around Jeremy Corbyn’s alleged anti-semitism, discussed ad-nauseam whilst Boris Johnson’s actual racism, islamophobia, misogyny and classism, RIGHT OUT OF THE HORSE’S MOUTH, was completely ignored by most news outlets. 

You know what, maybe people earning £85k just DON’T want to pay an extra £3 in tax a week to make sure children get an education. Maybe everybody IS just as selfish as that one twat on Question Time who got all red in the face over the prospect of having to give up an amount less than the cost of a tub of Ben and Jerrys a week. But if that’s true, this isn’t a country I want to live in at all, or a planet I want to live on, really. I hope it’s not. I hope it’s a case of a need for some kind of collective realisation that the Sun ain’t shit. Merseyside did it. The younger generation are catching on. And look at the results there.

Labour probably couldn’t fulfil ALL of their promises. No political party is perfect. I was told again and again how unrealistic those promises were as if that was enough to make me go ”oh...I guess I’ll vote for 4 more years of people dying in the streets instead”. Yes, in an ideal world, the entire manifesto would be made a reality, but it depended on far too many rich people being good and honest. Let’s be real-the elite will always find a way to avoid paying their fare share on the premise that they “earned it”, as if anybody earns billions by sheer hard work alone and past a certain point, not off other people’s backs. As if there aren’t nurses and teachers and firemen and other public sector workers who don’t put in just as much energy and as many hours and emotional labour as CEOs and business owners and investors. But the point is that Labour under Jeremy Corbyn acknowledged this, and their manifesto aimed to give the power back to the average person, from the vulnerable to the supposedly middle class still struggling to make ends meet, and give them the quality of life they deserve. It was built on the simple premise that the people should use their government, not the other way round, and that everybody deserves the basic human rights of shelter, nutrition, safety and dignity, regardless of their fortune in life. However many of Labour’s policies would actually have been fulfilled, it would’ve been a shift in the right direction. 

Now the election’s been and gone and I’m scared. Already, the narrative is being rewritten by the billionaires in control of this country that a manifesto like the one we saw this year will never sit right with this country, when it is what so many desperately need. The people putting this information out there know the truth: that Labour’s membership trebled in size under Corbyn (more people voted for him than for any Labour leader since Tony Blair), that most of the safe labour seats were lost because of Brexit, and that if the manifesto had been represented accurately, there’s a good chance that Boris Johnson would no longer be our Prime Minister. I’m scared a person like Jeremy Corbyn will never front Labour again. 

Because I do not want a tory painted red who’s friends with Jacob Rees-Mogg behind the scenes, I do not want a war criminal who thinks that bombing innocent people is ever acceptable, I do not want a person who doesn’t see people of colour as part of the working class and indulges in the occasional bit of TERF-ism.

Already, the Conservative party are backpedaling on the few promises they made to increase NHS spending, and I am scared. I am scared for myself, in the event that I need urgent mental health care again, and I am scared for those less privileged than me who don’t have a family to support them, who don't have a roof over their head, who weren’t fortunate enough to be born in a country with relative economic and political stability, who cannot physically go out and work to earn a living. I am worried about the bigots that this election has already emboldened, the Katie Hopkins and the Tommy Robinsons of the world, who think the things that blind luck have graced them with they somehow earned, who pride themselves on ignorance and cruelty and selfishness.

So for now, what can we do? 

Join trade unions. Organise. Write to your MPs. Bring attention to those who are vulnerable. Be vocal with your criticism of the establishment. Call out those in politics for an ego-trip hiding behind “personality”. Do your research. Keep an eye on the numbers. The “it doesn’t matter who you vote for, just vote” sentiment is old, because it does. No “as a feminist, I exercise my right to vote for whoever I want”, because as a feminist, you should care about ALL women, not just the white, middle class, able-bodied ones. 

And if anyone has any more suggestions, let me know. Because I am sick and tired of living under a government who doesn’t give a fuck about the people it’s supposed to protect.

Lauren x

[DISCLAIMER: The photo is not mine. Just devastated and trying to find the words to express it.]