#sorry sorry tbd

[omarfor-orchestra]

Well I wasn't planning on ending 2022 with a relapse

[orpheuslament]

"im so tired of dog/cannibalism/religious metaphors" then write something different & share it with the world. do it. if youre so special & so talented. at least the ppl writing cliché stuff are writing

[inkskinned]

it is hard to explain without sounding vain or stupid - but the more attractive others find you, the more you're allowed to do. the easier your life is.

i have been on both sides of this. i am queer and cuban. i grew up poor. for a long time i didn't know "how" to dress - and i still don't. i make my sister pick out any important outfits. i have adhd in spades: i was never "cool and quiet", i was the weird kid who didn't understand how "normal" people behave. i was bullied so hard that the "social outcasts" wouldn't even talk to me.

i got my teeth straightened. i cut my hair and learned how to style it. i got into makeup. it didn't matter, at first, if i actually liked what i was doing - it mattered how people responded to it. like a magic trick; the right dress and winged eyeliner and suddenly i was no longer too weird for all of it. i could wear the ugly pokemon shirt and it was just "ironic" or a "cute interest."

when i am seen as pretty, people listen. they laugh at my jokes. they allow me to be weird and a little spacey. i can trust that if i need something, people will generally help me. privilege suddenly rushes in: pretty does buy things. pretty people get treated more gently.

i am the same ugly little girl, is the thing. still odd. still not-quite-fitting-in. still scrambling. still angry and afraid and full of bad things. of course it became my obsession. of course i stopped eating. i had seen, in real time, the exact way it could change my life - simply always be perfect, and things can be easy. people will "overlook" all the other things. i used to have panic attacks at the idea others would see me without makeup - what would they think? even for a simple friend hangout, i'd spend a few hours getting ready. after all, it seemed so obvious to me: these people liked me because i was pretty.

i worry about how much i'm being a bad activist: i understand that "pretty" is determined by white, het, cis, able-bodied hegemonies. if i was really an ally, wouldn't i rally against all of this? recently there's been a "clean girl" trend which copies latinx aesthetics: dark slicked-back hair, hoop earrings. i almost never wear my hair like that; i can hear the middle school guidance counsellor advising me that i might fare better if i toned it down on the culture.

the problem is that i can take pretty on and off. that i have seen how different my life is on a day where i try and a day where i don't. i told my therapist i want to believe the difference is confidence, but it's not. and when you have seen it, you can't unsee it. it lives inside your brain. it rots there; taunting. i get rewarded for following the rules. i am punished for breaking them. end of story.

pretty people can get what they want. pretty people can feel confident without others asking where they got their nerve from. pretty people can be weird and different. pretty people get to have emotions; it's different when they get aggressive, it's pretty when they cry with frustration.

of course people care about this. of course it has crawled into you. of course you want to be seen as attractive. it's not vanity: it's self-preservation.

[chatdae]

I'm watching ep3 of Yuri on Ice again and wow, Viktor having Yuuri skate Eros really is so fucking wild to me. On the one hand: reasonable choice. Viktor wants Yuuri to surprise the audience. He knows Yuuri can perform like this (cough banquet cough) and he knows that Yuuri capitalizing on this potential could win him the season.

On the other hand: oh my God. Does Viktor want to torture himself.

Listen: Yurio says Viktor was contemplating choreographies for himself during the past season. So, Viktor's been thinking about Love as a theme for himself. Man is 27. Everyone's asking him if / when he'll retire. He's considering his future. He's been thinking about love. He's considering his future he's been thinking about love He takes a season off, flies to Japan -- for Yuuri--,, he has Yuuri (who ran away from Viktor's flirting in ep2!) skate Erotic love. (aka the emotion he didn't return to Viktor during Viktor's first days in Japan ((aka an emotion that Viktor's been thinking about for a while (((aka an emotion Viktor believes Yuuri can pull off (because he's SEEN Yuuri pull it off (((at the FUCKING BANQUET where he flirted on Viktor THEN DISAPPEARED))))).

TL;DR this Russian knows how to pine.

[enden-k]

ngl i felt like a voyeur here

[mysterycitrus]

also if i were to distill jason todd's deeply internalised personal philosophy after his resurrection it would be this -

he does not want to die, but he wishes he'd stayed dead.

[yoyoyo-idk]

nothing as funny as a story where the transmigator is like "the protagonists story is very sad so i will help them live an easier life" and then you learn about their past and THEY need therapy and then you learn about the past of the guy whose body they're posessing and THEY need therapy x2.

[rainbowd00dles]

🫰

[kabukiaku]

friendly reminder for anyone who messages me: please specify what you want to talk about. if i get just 'hello' or 'hi' i honestly dont feel like moving the conversation forward. it feels like im forced to interact, and I wasn't always comfortable with that, especially if I don't know you at all.

also, messaging me hourly with just saying the same two things I will be fully convinced you're a bot and not a real human. 😅

edit: asks are always welcomed. i may not always answer them due to me not having the right thoughts in mind to reply, im busy doing work, or i just did a quick glance in my inbox and forgot about it. i know i have asks that have been sitting for months, but i hope to get around to them.

[hier--soir]

hey folks

popping in to say a lover’s pinch part four will probably be shared more towards the end of the month

my personal life is down the shitter at the moment and im sad and stressed, so in the minimal time i've spent writing i am simply producing the most depressing angsty shit i've ever created lmao

so yeah just a heads up that an update is still like two weeks away

to those who've sent things through to my ask box or dms, i am seeing it, i adore you and your ideas and i will get to answer them soon i promise ! thank you to those who are so excited for the coming parts of the series (i am too!)

(and ???? to the person who commented “waiting…” on part three of ALP... you’re on thin ice with me pal)

[omarfor-orchestra]

.

[orpheuslament]

ethel cain, richard siken, & meeeeeee :3

[enden-k]

how did i as a gallagher lover miss this oh god oh my god o

[mysterycitrus]

when persephone is finally finished i can’t wait to peel back all the layers of plot analysis like the worlds weirdest metatexual onion

[ayrennaranaaldmeri]

i will say is seeing people unironically go 'gale's arc is about how bad he is at communicating' is just the funniest fucking thing i have read in my entire life and i haven't laughed that much at something since the early access conspiracy theories