#still not sure if i officially have it or not but my intestines sure do agree

[gumballavocadoharry]

First comes love, then comes marriage; Jack Chambers:

*This is a time jump where Susan and Roger are adults and Jack and Alice are older of course. Some angst and mentions of depression, abandonment and loneliness. *

For @howling-wolf9/, it was her idea and request!!!! I want to give her a special thank you for being so patient and kind through all of this- I know you waited a long time for this imagine and I'm so lucky to have you as my number one fan and I hope I can be as half as an amazing one to you as you've been to me. Listening to my PM rants of my story ideas and keeping them confidential. You're amazing and you deserve the world! Much love to this gal!!!!!

The wedding of Susan and Sean! RSVP your attendance!

The French lace against the edges of the paper were the first thing that caught Alice's eye. How beautifully it was decorated in its neat prim type design. Its beauty resonated with Alice as a sign. A sign of the blossoming love that had been festering between her daughter and her fiancé for over a year. She had possibly expected this- hoped secretly that they would decide to join a union in the flesh of marriage. It brimmed her eyes with tears, some spilling against her soft cheek and dripping onto the head of her yellow sundress.

"Honey?" Jack quietly followed into the room; eyebrows deeply furrowed. "What's wrong?" Alice sniffed and turned the letter towards Jack's direction. "She's getting married, Jack.... our little Susan... my little girl's getting married." Scanning carefully through the letter, a smile slowly appeared over Jack's mouth. "Oh my gosh! Time sure does fly...." Jack licked his lips. "When is the wedding due?"

Alice scanned the letter. "In two months." Jack kept the smile on his face. He needed it. It hid something he didn't want anyone to know. How could it be time already? He thought. How could she have grown so fast? Wrapping his arm around his wife, a carapace covered over Jack like a filling in a tooth. A chinch seeped through Jack- slowly, but surely. It was official. Susan was getting married and two months. And Jack would need to be there. He knew he would.

***************************

Snapped from their dinner, the phone blared through the living room. "Hello?" Alice answered.

"Hi Mom, did you hear about Susan's wedding?"

"I did!" Alice's smile had grown twice within size. "Can you believe it! Your sister is getting married! I'm still in shock..."

"I know.... Sean's a really nice guy. Him and Susan are a really good couple." Alice beamed. "They are. I wonder what she wants us to do.... or what her dress will look like!" Jack watched his giddy wife from the table. Shuffling his meatloaf back and forth against his plate- mixing it in his mashed potatoes a bit. 

"Oh yes, I'll have to see if Susan needs any help with the planning- Oh! Her gown and veil!" Alice's smile beamed from ear to ear. Alice glanced over to Jack before getting back to her conversation. "Oh- okay- here I have to go now, something's overflowing in the pot... okay, talk to you later. Bye." 

Jack, so deeply invested in his thoughts, didn't even feel the gentle touch of Alice's hand smoothing over his. "Jack... you, okay?" Jack forced himself to look up from his plate. "Oh yeah, I guess I was just..."

"Thinking about Susan and Sean?" Jack flattened his lips. "She hasn't even known him that long." Alice tilted her head to the side. "Jack... they've been dating for over a year now. We met him before a few times and he's a very nice young man." Jack sat up from the table, walking to the bar area for a glass of scotch with dinner. He kept silent for a while, making Alice gain this wobbly feeling through the craw of her intestine. "Jack...." Said so quietly, that even the wind couldn't make it out. Alice fiddled with the strands of hair that was swooshed over her shoulders.

"You know.... maybe if we went down there and saw how they were preparing for the wedding, maybe it would remind of how much you liked Sean?"

"I never said I liked Sean- I thought he was nice- but anyone could be nice." Alice rolled her eyes and sighed. "Jack. Come on... this is a happy occasion. And you have to cheer up soon- Susan is probably going to ask you to walk her down the aisle." Jack turned around to see Alice turned back to the table, finishing her dinner. She didn't make eye contact with Jack until he came back to the table and spoke again. "Of course I'll walk her down the aisle, if that's what you're insinuating......" Cutting into his meatloaf, Jack looked up again into the tip of Alice's forehead. "I'm happy for her... that's all." 

Alice met Jack's eyes for a brief moment before turning back down to her dinner. "Good." 

The evening stayed silent that entire night until bed.

***************************************

The clock read 3:09. Jack's eyes were still open- untouched without so much as a single strain that could only appear through genuine tiredness. Instead, Jack's mind could only focus on the rambling polaroids of him and Susan together. A piece of Jack hated himself for such selfish desires to keep Susan webbed up in this lace knit net for his security, while the other sympathized with him as just wanting to spend a little more time with his daughter. But this was more than just simple time together.

Jack- for all of Susan's young life- was her hero. The only man she could depend on for support. Jack would take her into his arms and sing her to sleep. He could make boo boos disappear with one kiss. Jack would take a three-year-old Susan out for milkshakes at the local diner, while Alice stayed home with a nursing Roger. He was the first person she ran to when big people were mean or when tears spilled from her eyes after a bee sting or when a picture, she drew became ruined. Jack could almost picture how it felt to have his arms wrapped around her smooth skin, his nose pressed up to her temple, trying to soothe an upset Susan. And the more Susan grew, the more Jack would try to foster those times. But, as time held it, she grew away from them. Packing inside her Pasadena condo, Jack could only helplessly let Susan walk away.

Hearing the soft snoozing of Alice's breaths, Jack quietly exited out the bed and tip toed into Susan's old bedroom. The walls were still peach, and the windowpanes and door jams were still popcorn white. The room still has this sultry smell of fresh flowers and mused honey. Susan wore this amber and sunflower perfume in her late teens and the room still carried a twinge of that scent. It sent a shred of happiness through Jack. A piece of this closure like she was still here. The closet was empty- it had sat empty for a while- but still carried the presence of Susan in some way. The faded memory of her favorite peach and lavender cardigan that she wore in the spring, and her dark maroon sweater for the falls and her bright sunny tank top for the summer. They all still sat together inside her closet, lank and together like symbols of her past.

The thought of Sean pinged through Jack's brain for minute, before he echoed it out with his own domineering desires. He didn't want to think of Sean, not now. So, he didn't. Instead, he left Susan's bedroom and joined Alice back in their bed.

************************************************

Jack woke up to the dim blue sky- more clouds hovering in it that usual. He rolled to Alice's side, where it was empty and already made up. She had left a note on his nightstand: 

Jack, I went out to grab a few things for Susan to help her with the wedding. Me and Roger will be at her place to celebrate with her. I hope you can join us!

Alice.

Jack felt this twinge of anger peer inside him. Like Alice was deliberately leaving him out of one of the most important milestones of their child's life. It made Jack pounce from the bed and throw on his clothes for the day. Making up the bed again, Jack ran out to the diner for breakfast, before speeding down to Susan's apartment. Pulling in, he saw a black chevy bel air: Alice's car. The twinge grew bigger, but Jack bit into it to collect it- contain it within himself. Jack's legs felt wobbly like Jello. Carefully watching his step up each step, Jack finally made it to Susan's front door, where after a knock, she appeared. "Dad!" She invited him into her arms with such warmth and tenderness, even Jack had to let himself melt into them. 

Coming into her cozy home, Alice's face came into view and then Roger's. Then Sean's. Jack bit his tongue like a reflex flinch- the same as if a fly landed on your arm. "Jack... it's nice to see you here- what a nice surprise!" Jack's smile was tight. He kept his focus on Alice for a moment before turning to Roger, who came to hug him. Jack let himself sink into the scent of his well missed son. Squeezing him a little tighter, it was forever since Jack was able to let his body press against his and erode a deep wedge of affection into him. Pulling away with this soppy smile across his face, Roger let his own curl up to his cheeks, giving the same toothy ornery grin he always did. It eased the swirling tension that seemed to hover over everyone. 

Sean, wrapped his arm around Susan's midriff, making her flush with love and warmth, looking back into her lover's eyes that held this light of twinkles inside them. Jack caught this, and let his smile settle a bit. 

"Well, now since everyone's here, let's celebrate!" Susan exclaimed. 

The room was soon filled with chatter from Roger and Sean talking, to Susan and Alice discussing plans for the wedding- Susan detailing how Sean proposed on the rooftop of a private restaurant in Los Angeles, while the sunset skirted under the buildings. A squeal came from Alice, reminding her of when Jack proposed. It was on the cliffside coast of Malibu. During their picnic, Jack couldn't hold back the impending question he had stored inside him for as long as he knew Alice. Jack remembered it well- it always brought a smile to his face every time he thought about it.

Jack stood in the distance, taking in only the crust of Susan and Alice's conversation. A jaded glance was made over to Sean's direction. He eyed Jack up and down; confident smirk and laxed body tone. He had Susan wrapped around all five fingers and Jack knew it. And it hollowed him. It made fury rush through him like the cold feel of an icy touch. Jack let the fringes of the room singe. 

Sean- light brown hair with swishy bangs, gray eyes with specks of light blue, deep dimpled smile and a subtle clef planted in the middle of his cheek. 

A slight furrow pecked through his forehead. Jack kept biting his anger down- planted somewhere deep into him. Sean made his way to Susan, wrapping a protective arm around her waist like a sash. A thick irk swam through Jack in his bloodstream. It pierced through the layers of flesh he built up inside for this very moment and was now fragile against it. Seeing a man kiss his daughter's neck so passionately, sent this shiver through Jack. It bubbled and boiled until it became this puny ache that made his lip quiver, and his eyes become stung with watery vision. 

But nonetheless, he along with Alice still managed to muster out a "Congratulations!" to the happy couple, leaving their home once evening rolled around. Jack and Alice drove their cars home, Jack's in front of Alice's- something he was happy with. The solitude sauntering through the car, leaving Jack to settle whatever was on his mind in the privacy of his car. 

Tears slowly trickled- quietly and neatly- down his cheeks, leaving a sticky wet trail behind. Jack wiped his eyes, forcing himself to see where he was going. Pulling into the driveway, Alice's car pulled up next to him a few minutes later. Jack tried to plaster on the same smile he wore at the little gathering but couldn't. Like his muscles were too weak, his smile was recharging, and his serotonin just didn't exist. Jack watched Alice enter the house. She didn't knock on the window like he had hoped. Jack knew he would have to pull himself out this one.

*************************************

Dinner was pizza delivered to the home. Alice was too exhausted to cook and maybe she just didn't want to. Not for Jack.

But it was after hours, where Jack was sitting up in his chair, sipping his scotch and questioning himself. Sean never asked for his blessing, but he didn't need to. He could easily swing Susan away to a Las Vegas chapel or courthouse and marry her there without him even sensing it. And it stung. It hit hard into Jack's body more than he wanted it to. He wanted to be happy for Susan and he was... he wanted to like Sean....and he did.

It was just buried underneath something this time. But he did really like Sean. And Sean liked him. 

But it was those years spent with Susan, knowing her personality like the back of his hand. Her being his princess and him being her big papa bear that would run in and growl at anyone harming his cub. Susan would never know the agony he felt that first year of her life, behind the glass window of the NICU, praying for his baby to be healthy again. She would never know those nights he prayed for a baby at all as a young man, striving to make his dream of a family life come true.

Jack seen it all. First breaths, first steps, first words, first period, first dates... now this. Marriage. Sean would now bear the responsibility of caring for Susan- honoring her and making sure she was safe a cherished. The man she would give her life to, the man who would protect her and who she would wrap her arms around like a savior. Sean would become Susan's world, and she would become his. They would collide with each other and let their bond be sealed like thick cement in the pavement. And it disturbed Jack a bit. 

He would no longer need to light her world to see it glow. Sean would hang the sun and moon for Susan and that would be the end of it. Jack would no longer exist as Susan's beaming ray- just a mere spark of the past and all that it held. 

And Jack... for one reason or another, would still be living in it.

Jack shot back to the one thought that still weighed on his mind like rocks. Sean never asked permission. He didn't need it.... he wanted Susan and Susan wanted him, and that was all there was to be said about that. And Jack- whether he liked it or not- had to accept it.

But he silently made a choice still.... to keep his own answer of whether he found it acceptable for Susan to marry Sean. It was tightly reigned on his tongue; undisturbed and quiet, Jack kept it folded on the shelf in the back of his mind like he had to. But it was still there, and Jack would never let it get washed away.

****************************************

It was the end of the month, and wedding plans were still ringing through the air. It seemed to be everywhere: on TV, in newspapers and books, on billboards, Jack just couldn't get away from it! Alice on the other hand enjoyed it. Wanting to see her daughter dressed in all white and walk down the aisle on her special day was more than she could ask for and everything she hoped for. 

Not wanting to needle Susan or stress her more than life was already; Alice took a side position in helping Susan plan her wedding. Roger and Sean would go and pick out suits and suggested honeymoon spots to surprise Susan with. Jack, he would give thumbs ups and happy cheery smiles, while everything seemed to swirl around him like tornado wind.

Jack didn't want to be selfish. Covering his defensiveness like the way criminals covered their tracks, Jack weighed his emotions down beneath his gut and let his logic talk for him.

It was a challenge though. Susan- being so busy with her own life- would unintentionally blow Jack off for ice cream dates or small little lunches together. "She's just so busy, Jack... maybe she'll go the next time." Alice reassured her husband. Jack always held to those 'next times.' But they never came. He wanted them too though. But instead, Jack tried to suck the value from them- pretend as if they were trifling little things that would never matter anyway.

But they seeped into Jack's brain in other ways. Every Sunday evening was a tradition of scotch or bourbon with Susan's baby pictures on his lap. Susan still carried the image of a helpless infant in her- at least to Jack. So fragile like a China doll, still this little baby doll that would grasp her little fingers around his. How much she depended on her parent's gentle touches and their attentive affection. Still that gurgling little baby in his arms, Jack couldn't shake the memory. Sean would sweep Susan away without so much as a thought to how Susan's parents might take it.

Flying her off to the other side of the pacific, away from the protective zone of her family. Sean- could never protect her the way Jack could. He would let her fall hard onto the rocky pavement and slam against the grated cracks. He would swoop her away- away from everything Susan knew and loved, whisk her into the misadventure land of nothing and throw her away once he had his fill. Jack became sure of this. Sean would never be good enough for Susan. Courting was one thing, marrying was another. And neither Sean, nor Susan were ready for it. A gasp of hope shot through Jack. This sense of being able to maybe stop time for a moment, gave him back his adrenaline. Closing the book, finishing his scotch, Jack at up from his chair and tip toed upstairs; small smile lingering over his face.

******************************************

Alice layed in bed, barely even moving once Jack's body dipped the mattress. Her stare was blind and frozen on her nightstand. Jack's body pressed against her back, making her edge a little over, leaving a small gap in between them.

A slight furrow arched over Alice's forehead. A small wrinkle begins to grow there, starting since the first dinner on when she found out about Susan's wedding. 

Jack- assumed he needed to be 'happy' to keep from bearing the brunt of the social disgrace if his selfishness grew out of control- something he assumed being the case as to why his wife would be sore with him. But to Alice it was more than that. It punctured something deep inside like a needle. Reminding her of what had played out through their marriage and their parenting for years; Jack's parenting, that was.

On the day Susan became sick with meningitis, Jack latched into being an overbearing cloak to Susan- hovering over her like a gloomy cloud on a sunny day. Alice knew that this approach would only cause more harm, more pain. She understood just how much pain could be saturated from this type of overreaction.

She knew Jack loved the children to death. She never made a problem of it. But with every milestone of the kid's lives, where Jack would make a fuss from something unalarming, it rang through Alice in a particular way. Similarly in the way it appeared for her with Jennifer Lowe. Alice wept for her friend for days upon the news. Untimely and unfair she thought. But every fiber of anger that wasn't drenched in sadness was thrown at Jennifer's parents. It was their fault, and they deserved what happened.

And every overreaction from Jack just reminded her about those events leading up to day Jennifer went away. 

But now it their daughter's wedding, and Jack couldn't even be happy about that. It always laced with his selfishness and his sorrows- no one else like they didn't exist. And it became too much. Alice's anger had cooled, but her reservations on the matter hadn't. So, the little sliver of space that layed between them, would have to remain until Susan was safely married to the man she loved and there would be nothing Jack could do about it.

Shutting her eyes quietly, Alice adjusted herself in the bed and pulled the covers over her, taking one last glance at the clock that read 2:09.

***************************************

Sean's apartment- located by the seaside on the other side of town. The beige color exterior and the French styled staircase was the first thing that captured Jack's eye. A French vela decor, lingering all around Sean's place, a fresh smell of amber and lavender with a twinge of sunflower. Susan was here, and Jack knew it.

"Could I make you a drink Mr. Chambers?" Jack smiled. "No thanks..." Taking a seat on Sean's suggestion, Jack picked his brain for the words he wanted to come out. "So, how's wedding plans going?" Sean shrugged. "It's.... well... exhausting at times- but Roger has been a huge help in picking out honeymoon spots and matching up what suits would like good for the groomsmen. He's so nice about it- taking time off his work just to help out."

Pride gushed inside of Jack. Roger was a good boy, always wanting to help people. "Yeah, he's very sweet." Jack became serious. "Are you both planning on moving after the wedding?" Sean raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Well, like are you planning on being in California once you and Susan marry?" "Well... me and Susan have been discussing it and we were thinking about either maybe Napa Valley or possibly more up North like Maine or Chicago. But it's not decided yet."

A twinge pecked Jack inside. "I know, Susan loves California so much- Pasadena is the perfect spot for her. Her chef job is one her main passions." Sean smiled.

"Yeah, she's a wonderful cook. Susan said that she would love to cook in a big city like New York or somewhere like that one day. I know she works at one of the finest restaurants in the city right now, but she told me that was always something she wanted to do."

Would she even be able to keep that job or anyone that makes her happy? Jack thought. "Yeah... Susan's worked so hard to be where she is now, and I'm so proud of her for really sticking to it. Chef jobs can be so harsh, the pressure is demanding and from what Susan's told me, the boss is always yelling at someone." 

Sean raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, she told me that one time when we were eating somewhere about this girl who was let go on her first day for messing something up. It's tough." Sean took a small sip from his drink before a smile peered across his face. "When we get married, Susan said that maybe she would open up a restaurant. She would use her skills as a chef and get the place off the ground with that, and she'd make her money that way. I thought it was really nice and told her that if she'd ever wanted to, I'd support her... it would be nice."

"I know Susan's has so much on her plate right now....in fact, I was actually concerned whether Susan was ready for marriage or not. I still don't believe she always knows what she wants sometimes." Jack smiled, but there was no causality about it. Jack meant what he said, and Sean squirmed a bit in his chair. An uncomfortable spice now fell into the air and Sean could only give a tight pinched smile. Susan- filling him in on the type of Father Jack was, made Sean fully understand exactly why Jack even came over to his place from the beginning. He wanted to believe it to be because he needed time to fully adjust to the news. But he hadn't adjusted.

And Sean begins to feel a prick of anger slither through him. Jack felt it. He knew what he did and so without hesitation, excused himself from Sean's apartment.

*****************************************

Later that afternoon, Jack returned home. Alice was in the kitchen finishing up the dishes. seemingly slamming some of the plates a little harshly against in the dish rack. "Hey babe..." Alice glances behind her to meet Jack's figure before turning back to the sink. "Hey."

Coming closer, Jack furrowed his eyebrows. "What's wrong?" Alice took a deep breath. "Jack.... did you stop by Sean's apartment today?"

"Yeah?"

Alice turned around, gloves dripping of the suds and water. "Why?" 

"Well, I just wanted to know if Sean needed any help with the wedding, that's all." 

"Jack... Susan called me. She told me that Sean called her and told her what happened with you and him. 'Sometimes I don't think she knows what she wants'." Alice mocked. "It's none of your business about their plans for marriage! You had no right going over and questioning Sean like that- and you owe him an apology!"

"No! I have every right to know what this boy plans to do with my daughter!"

"He's not a boy Jack! He's a grown man- an adult and so is Susan. You should treat her that way. She doesn't need you poking around just because you can't accept that's capable of making her own choices!"

"Of course she needs me, I'm her father! She's going to always need me, Alice!"

"Well, then she doesn't want you! She doesn't want you trying to always pick her up after every little fall."

"Alice, Susan is my daughter-"

"She's my daughter too, but you don't see me smothering her like that! Jack, I was angry at you before- I still am- because the minute Susan announced her engagement to Sean, you couldn't even be happy for her! It was all about you and your worrying and your having to say goodbye or whatever- but that's your job! That's what comes with being a parent, learning to let go! Because if you can't, then Susan will! And that might mean she won't want to see us or be around us because of that! It's not always about how you feel Jack and I'll be dammed if Susan cuts me off too because you can't stop being selfish even for one SECOND!"

Jack stood back. "All I'm trying to do is protect Susan, that's all! And you know that....." Jack kept a solid stare on Alice.

Alice took a deep breath in. "Whatever your intentions are.... that has everything to do with you. And only you. You know what's right and what's wrong Jack- and without blowing my words out of context- I don't feel the same way. So, whatever the reason you do, do everyone a favor- keep it yourself and just stay out of Susan and Seans wedding plans. Bite your tongue until all of this is over and you can do what you wish with that."

Alice put the last dish into the dish rack, before snapping off her gloves and walked past Jack to the stairs.

Jack was left alone with only the sound of the sink draining over the downstairs.

**********************************************

Jack drove down alongside the coast to Susan's apartment. Taking in the sand washed blue sky and tan acres of sand that seemed smooth like butter.

Jack had to make this right. Susan would understand. She had just called Alice, so maybe there was a window for conversation. Maybe Susan would be able to see his point of view and how much he was just trying to protect her. 

Pulling into the parking lot of her condo, Jack readied himself. He came up with every reason her could justify to himself. Slamming the car door, it was Susan who spotted him from the window and was already waiting for her father at the front door. 

"Hi," Susan opened the door wide and suddenly, taking Jack off his guard for a moment. A slight wrinkle stood on her forehead, lips set still and sternly. "Hi... Susan...." She shook her head. "You went to Sean's apartment?" Her frown becoming deeper.

"Susan I-"

"You badgered him! You try to convince him not to marry me?!"

"No! Of course not! I was trying to make sure he would let you be happy."

"Like you do?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

Susan tilted her head. "You go to Sean's apartment, you start trying to get him to spill if he'll let me work, or what type of future he wants us to have- our private business! You should never have done that, Dad! You know Sean- you've met him, and you still don't want to trust him. You can't trust me- you have to still be there holding my had for everything!" Tears waved through Susan's eyes. Biting her lip, she continued to stare into Jack's eyes.

"Susan... sweetheart- I'm your father, I just wanted to make sure you were okay! I just want to protect you." He raised his eyebrows. Susan's soppy feeble look turned into a furrowed crossed one. Tightening her lips and clutching her fist into tight cuffing balls, the green in Susan's eyes became vivid and her pupils small and sharp.

"I'm not a little girl, Dad. I'm a grown woman, Sean is a grown man-"

"I know,"

"You don't know- or you don't care! So... I want you to stay away for a while. Me and Sean are planning the wedding- I'm stressed out enough as it is, I don't need this on my plate. Please just go..." Susan went back inside and locked her door. Jack felt like the door slammed against his face- or more like he was slammed against the door himself. Stepping off the balcony, Jack walked down the stairs and got into his car. Sniffling, Jack turned the key in the ignition and left the lot, letting Susan's apartment disappear out of the rearview. 

Tears trickled down Jack's cheeks. A piece of his heart chipped. A swirling feeling fell over him like an umbrella. It drove home with him, even though his thick glass pane vision of tears. Something soured Jack's stomach- something inside his gut that ate away at him, told him how much he screwed up. And he believed it. 

Pulling into the driveway, Jack took an extra five minutes alone to himself. Alice saw from the window- but like before- didn't take notice. The curtain barely flinched, and Jack sat alone in the drenching silence of what he had just done.

**********************************

Just as Susan preferred, Jack stayed away from her, Sean and even kept a distance between him and Alice for a time. Roger had flown back here to California for a time to prepare for Susan and Sean's upcoming wedding. Jack still prepped his tuxedo, his corsage and tie. Silently preparing for the occasion, Alice went around him in beelines, refusing to discus the wedding or anything to do with it to Jack. The chipped broken piece still remained hollow in Jack, but he bandaged it. 

The wedding was right around the corner, and Jack didn't want to jeopardize himself to be anything like a distraction or a problem. So, he would discreetly take his suit to the dry cleaners, Alice would see him dragging it through the house, but never said a word about it. She pretended she didn't notice and would either sip her coffee or turn back to whatever she was reading. But it was still ironed and pressed neatly when Jack couldn't tend to it because of work. The flower was still sprouting from his pocket, and it still had that fresh scent to it. Alice would tend to it just as discreetly as Jack would.

Jack knew this, but it still never made conversation. But now the day of the wedding was here.

Jack- dressed in his suit- accompanied Alice to the chapel. The rooms were crowded and overflowing with family from both sides. Sean had three siblings, Roger was taking pictures and stood as one of Sean's groomsmen and Jack and Alice could only remember or pinpoint certain faces of their families in the crowd. "Alice!" Melony threw her arms around her sister, while their parents stood watch behind them. As Alice and Melony caught up, Jack excused himself and went to find Roger. "Hey Bud!" Roger turned and a smile fell over his face. "Hi Dad." Jack wrapped his arms around Roger and held him tightly enough where his cologne could whiff into Roger's nostrils. "Isn't this exciting? Your sister's getting married!" 

Roger giggled. "I know, her and Sean really do love each other. And he's such a great guy. I hope they're really happy together." Jack tightened his smile. Roger looked back at his camera and politely excused himself. Jack let the distance of Roger sink in more than he wanted. It had been almost two years since he'd last seen him after that one March. It was something he never liked to think about but couldn't ignore it. It followed him like a shadow and harassed him sometimes like a stalker. A lump grew in his throat everytime he saw Roger's face- everytime Roger's face could be pictured with those moments and everything he said to his father. Jack didn't want to believe Roger meant it.... but it never changed. 

And as the he saw the back of Roger's head disappear into the rush of the crowd, it was proof that Roger hadn't changed what he meant, and Jack still had to accept that.

 ****************************************

Jack checked every room, until he finally found Alice and Susan together in her dressing room. A big beautiful white ballgown with a bellowing veil that swished as if it were a natural part of Susan's hair, kept Jack in awe. "You look so beautiful!" Alice and Susan turned around to see Jack with tight smiles over their face. "Oh, hey Dad......thanks." Alice looked at Susan, sensibility swimming through her eyes. "Oh Susan....." was all she could say. Jack kept a tweeness smile over his face. Susan gripped her bouquet of white flowers and let the deep smile cross over her cheeks, protruding her dimples. "Susan, are you ready?" She nodded. Glancing to Jack she bit her lip. "Mom... could you give us a moment?" Alice kissed Susan's cheek and then left the room, but not before rubbing a hand over Jack's shoulder.

"Dad..." Jack looked down and then up again. "Susan....." He swallowed. "I am so sorry for the way I treated you, and Sean and your marriage. I had no right to just come in between you and him like that and..... I am very sorry." 

Susan looked down. She came closer. "Dad... I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to say that you should just stay away from me or Sean... I was just angry, and I was stressed bec-"

"It's okay, I understand. And you were not wrong to say that. Truth is... this was something new for me. But I guess because since the idea of you being with someone who would now be responsible for your happiness and be your first priority in life, scared me. Me and you took care of you for almost your entire life- it wasn't easy to let you go into the city of Pasadena, and it was definitely not easy to give you a way to another man. But.... I was still wrong. I overstepped my place not only as your father, but as another adult- another person. And I respect you, Susan. I love you and I love Sean. I know I still see you as a little girl sometimes, but it's no excuse. And I guess I just have to remind myself of that." Jack came closer, letting a smile form. "You go to your wedding. You're going to be a good wife. You'll be a good mother, you're an amazing daughter and chef already.... I know you'll be amazing at this too. I love you."

"I love you too Dad." Susan let Jack engulf her into a hug. A long hug, lasting until the organ started. Pulling away, Susan hooked her arm into Jack's. "Ready?" 

"Ready."

The pair walked down the aisle to the slow sound of the organ. Big smiles were spread over Susan and Jack's faces. The audience of family and friends all stared at the bride and her father, until they reached the altar. As the preacher introduced the couple. Susan and Sean shared their vows to each other and the crowd of emotions. Alice wiped the tears from her eyes as did Jack. Roger hadn't shaken the smile from his face from the moment he saw Susan appear in her Cinderella dress. A stray tear was quickly wiped from his eyes. As the last words of Sean's vows were spoken, so were 'I dos.' 

"I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe. You may now seal your vows with a kiss." Sean and Susan leaned in and kissed each other passionately as the crowd cheered. Susan and Sean run down from the altar and through the pathway between the seats. The crowd followed them into the community center where the reception began.

******************************

As the car was ready, Susan and Sean gathered around Susan's family. "We're headed to Tampa," Sean winked to Roger, who winked back. 

Alice threw her arms around Susan, as she cried into her silky hair. "We love you sweetheart.... be a good wife.... take care of each other, okay?" Susan nodded against Alice's neck. She pressed several kisses to her daughter's cheeks before letting her go. Alice clutched her tissue while watching Roger say goodbye. "Name your son after me," Susan laughed before pulling out of the hug from Roger. "Kidding, kidding!" Roger kissed his sister's cheek before stepping aside and allowing Jack to hug Susan.

"Goodbye baby girl.... I love you... I'll miss you." He cried into Susan's hair. And Susan finally cried, ushering a family hug. Sean was mingled into it by Roger. "Take care of her, Sean... okay?" 

"I will." He smiled with a nod. 

As the newlyweds drove away to their honeymoon, Jack, Alice and Roger looked on at the car that sped off into the glistening sunset. Jack let tears fall from his face freely as he stared well into the sunset, even after the car was long gone. The broken piece had been mended. It was sealed with a fresh new coat of pride and overwhelming warmth. 

Jack knew it would take some time, but he would never reject the idea of his daughter being Susan Wolfe, with the love of her life. 

Taking one last look into the sun, Jack smiled happily to himself before walking back to join the rest of his family.

[sicklord]

No idea what compelled me to log on again 4 years later but I guess an occasional update is a thing i'm gonna try to do now??

Anyway, i am now 26, been in full remission from my intestinal Crohn's for a few years now. That being said I am unfortunately still dealing with a mix of aggressive cutaneous Crohn's and Pyoderma Gangrenosum although things are so much better that it's incomparable to 2017/2018.

On a good note, there have been a lot of positive things. After YEARS AND YEARS of dysphoria i am officially post-transition; i had top surgery which I never thought I'd be able to have in my lifetime, was on testosterone for a few years before reaching the changes I wanted and going on E instead, had a full hysto, changed my name/gender legallly, etc, and i have been well enough to focus on my studies and will be graduating w two AA degrees in May 2025 and transferring to university next fall.. I also seem to have mastered this whole chronic illness shit despite some new diagnoses and rough patches (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome/Abdominal migraines, i'm looking at you.)

Also... i have very much turned into the person I wanted to be as a teenager. I'm pursuing an education that happens to have a huge focus on social justice and intersectional concepts, I've travelled to places I never even thought I'd go (went to Japan earlier this year!), got sober (almost 1 year strong!), made new friends and reconnected with old ones. It's crazy how easy it is sometimes to overlook and take for granted the fact that I'm living the life I wanted so badly. Also to top it off I have a ton of tattoos now and piercings so thats a slay!!

Anyway, not entirely sure why I'm sharing this but I guess I think it's a good thing to share hope with other people. When I was like 16 I viewed my life as split into 2 time periods: Before Crohn's and After Crohn's. everything just seemed like itd revolve around it forever. I fr never in a million years thought I'd reach such a good level of stability and that each year the Crohnaversaries would matter less and less, despite almost dying a bunch of times and going through a bunch of traumatic stuff that shouldnt have ever happened.

Eternally grateful that despite the immense pain, suffering, learning, and adjusting I am rebuilding myself and putting the pieces together, when I thought I'd always be fragmented. I do not think I would have made it through the worst of it without the support of so many of you who offered kindness and guidance throughout this journey. Thanks if you read this :)

[calperniabeithioch]

Code Cracking p2

((WARNING: Graphic talk about death, decay, and gore. And creepy little girls))

You know what I said about me cracking the code? It only worked for the first few pages. The assholes switched up their code every chunk, probably changing the code so people would be thrown a curveball. Like me. I'm the one who had the curve ball thrown at her.

I did get a small bit of information from the start of the book. There were no Client names. If there was a cipher for the names, it wasn't able to be cracked with the information I had from the book. The next thing I realized was just how old these records were. Many of the entries near the start of the book could be dated before Sil'dih fell if not when it was still thriving.

I spent a good day or two copying the passages I needed to be translated. Then I did the thing everyone at the house had warned me not to do. I left Ishgard, without another person with me. More other people they could see. I made sure to take two different aetherites before I went to my official destination. 

How I got home, I'm not going to explain that. As my hands grazed over the rough rock that would lead me home the heat of the island invaded the thick sweater I was wearing. Pulling it off I let out a long breath. Cold was a reminder of horrible days, but now on the island, I could let the heat of the tropical environment seep into my skin. 

A shadow raced past me as I left the boundary. The shadow transformed in front of me, the Miqo'te girl with sage green hair and pure white pupilless eyes ran forward her arms up. Anne could experiment with how she looked when she was here. I'm surprised she didn't pick something else, but maybe she liked having cat ears? No matter what she tried though, she couldn’t get eyes on people right.

"Can you tell Vaymond I'm here?" I called after her.

She stopped her dress forming, it looked far too pretty to belong to a being like her. Like a princess grown in sage green and gold. "Why can't you get him?"

A lump formed in the pit of my stomach. "Because he's probably at the house."

"Oh." She looked in the direction of the house and frowned. "He's going to ask you to join him in there."

"I know." But I couldn't tell him why. Since we refound each other, I had made excuse after excuse to not walk into the house. I know there is a large number of boons I could use to save me, but that meant going through the front door.

My guts twisted like someone had stuck a fork through me and was trying to twirl up my intestines like pasta. Would there be stains still? Would my father's blood have left a mark on this world? A world he didn't belong to but decided to join? Would my mother's sword marks still be left in the wood from her trying to defend us?

Anne poked my cheek with a warm finger. "You're thinking too much." She said and then grinned, her mouth stretching too much on the skull she had chosen. "You're in no real danger!"

"You can say that, but my mind won't believe that yet," I muttered and looked in the direction of the house. "Can you get Vaymond?"

She frowned and nodded. “Fine.” But she didn't say another word as she skipped ahead of me to get my brother out.

I took my time to get closer to the house. My feet found the well-walked trail, one that once had been dotted by stones my father had a hand placed. He wanted us to have a secure way back home. Though that didn't work out well for us in the end. Not when we couldn't run far enough to get to safety.

Our house was a sprawling one story building that had a thick thatched roof and open windows. I could see white draps blowing, and in a dark part of my mind, I thought I saw my father. His pale face looking out from the window.

Did our family have ghosts?

I shook the thought as my brother walked out of the front door. He looked more like our father, angular features and thin nose. Though he had the same coloration as our mother. Grey hair, blue eyes, and tan skin. Seeing me he grinned with white teeth.

"Cal!" He called and launched into our family dialect. "Why did you send Anne?"

"I wanted to go to the beach?" But I had used that excuse recently. Holding my breath I waited to see if he'd catch me in my bluff.

Vaymond strolled up closer, he was a tall man. I'm tall for a Hyur but he's even taller than me. "You always want to go to the beach. Let's get some drinks in the house then go to the beach?" He started to turn towards the house but I froze.

"Vay-" My voice sounded like someone had put a boot on my throat. 

He paused and maybe the sudden shift in my tone caught his attention. "Cal. You don't want to go inside, do you?"

If I admitted that, I would have to admit other things that were hard for me to accept. "It, it's complicated."

His lips shifted into a small frown as he took a few steps closer and pulled me in for a tight hug. At first, I wanted to hit him, to push him off. But then he spoke quietly. "It took me two years till I was able to stay inside for any length of time."

Why would he have such a problem? I looked to meet his eyes. "You weren't here when they died."

A bitter sound escaped his mouth. "No, I didn't get to see a fresh corps. I found them. Liquified, animals eating them, some of their limbs were never recovered. I smelled death in that house for months after I gave them a burial. And then I left. I didn't come back for years and finally, when I did, I knew I needed to, or you and the others wouldn't find me. Our tormentors don't deserve to destroy our family like that."

My heart had claws digging into it. I hadn't thought about how my parent's bodies had probably been left to rot. It was a horrible fate for them. In our culture, we believed death was another stage of life. That being with a dead body was an honor, a way to mourn the family we lost. We would bury them with all they needed in their next life, and we could always call on them if we needed them. They weren't gone. They simply weren't here to easily speak to them.

Tears rose up and stung my eyes. "I'm sorry Vaymond." My voice cracked as I realized I hadn't thought about what he had gone through.

"Thank you." He then gave me one last squeeze of the hug before he took a step back. "Will you retake this with me? This is our haven. Our Forest. They were hunters who got lucky with a pack of wolves. Don't let them take our heritage from us."

That house, it was more than a place where my family had lived. My family had been on this island since we came here. All of my ancestors were buried here. My parents were buried here. I might be buried here with them one day. Our blood was a part of this island as much as it was a part of us. The house carried our inheritance. 

"I'm scared," I whispered.

Vaymond nodded and pulled my hand to follow. I did this time and we got closer to the stairs that lead up to the wrap-around porch. He didn’t push me forward. We instead stood looking at the stairs, waiting for me to choose my next move. “What does fear teach us?"

It was an old lesson. Fear, chaos, instability, and horror were not things we should suffer for long. What separates us from others that look like us is fear was a reaction. Chaos cannot be controlled but accepted as it is gives you boons. Instability like chaos must be met at face value. Horror... Horror is all the other things combined and should not be feared, but accepted as it is.

"That we suffered something we were not ready for," I said and slowly I put my hand on the wood railing, it was soft, butter-like in how worn the wood was. "Did their blood stain the wood?"

Vaymond stood beside me and I watched his jaw tense and intense. "They left their mark, and they would be proud. Predators took their fill of their bodies."

At least that was good. If we couldn't be buried properly, at least a fellow predator took their fill of any calories they could get. "Good." I could barely say a word as my foot found the first step.

Each step felt like it took a life time. Would I see them? Would their memories stain this home?

As I came up the step I looked to where my father had been split open in front of me. His last moments he had tried to fight off the men who attacked him. But he fell to the ground, his guts spilt and his blood everywhere. I could see myself, wearing my sleep clothes, may hair braided and in a scarf for while I slept. 

"Deep breaths," Vaymond whispered and I found I had stopped breathing the moment I had gotten to the top step.

"He fought till the end you know? For being married into the family, he took on being a Beast well." I whispered. "He told me once that he would kill anyone who'd touch us. He took out two of their men before he fell."

"He wasn't a trained fighter." Vaymond crossed his arms and looked at the spot I was looking at. "I know being away saved me, but if I was there I might have-"

"Been killed along with them. You weren't able to be manipulated like the rest of us were." I shook my head. "I'm glad you're here."

Taking a few steps towards the house I walked over the spot my father died and felt. Nothing. There was no shiver, no sense of dread. It was a spot. Every inch of the world had someone or something die on it. There is no great difference.

On the wood there was an impression, but I didn’t feel anything. His spirit did not stain the ground. It was only his blood that had perminately stained the wood. Vaymond’s children will know their grandfather died there to keep the family safe.

Letting out a breath I took in the first room, the walls had painted murals of the island. To an outsider there would be no way to know we were anything but some island dwellers. I reached up and touched a drawing of a palm tree and tried to breath. My mind told me I could still smell blood, but it wasn't there.

"Cal." Vaymond took a step closer. "I got a room ready for you. You know you can always be here."

Even if I could walk into the house, I listened to the window blowing through the windows from the sea. I knew this wasn't the safe haven Raymond saw. At least it wasn't for me. Not anymore.

"Can I get some Chai?" I asked and then reached into my pouch and held up my notebook I had copied some passages in. "I also need your eyes on something."

Vaymond frowned, but it was small, barely a twitch of his lips. He must be catching on to how I deflect now. One day he'll call me out for it, but he waved a hand to follow him to the kitchen. "I'll make some stew, you're staying for dinner."

I wanted to protest, but refusing to eat with him would be rude after I took the chance to walk into the house. And I know he had a lot of food he was working through and it would be wrong to not help him.

-

Dinner was made and laid out between the three of us. Vaymond, Anne, and I sat at the table that was tucked into the corner of the kitchen, an open window blowing in the smell of tropical flowers and the brine of the sea. A thick stew of savory spices was to be shared between us. A tower of flat bread, and a portion of rice between us made our meal.

I ripped up some of the flatbread and dipped it deeply in the stew before fishing out a good amount with a long strip of meat. Popping it into my mouth I nodded to the open book beside Vaymond. "See, the code goes to a number cipher."

Vaymond had pulled out a separate book for him to take some notes. He took some rice with his right hand and then scooped up some stew as well. "Yup, interesting in construction."

"It's been nothing but annoying." I admitted.

“I told her if you couldn’t do it, I could call my Auntie.” Anne said her tone peppy. I only knew a limited amount about her ‘Auntie’, the woman or entity was not something I wanted to invite into my life.

"But you got the first round of ciphers done," Vaymond smirked and winked at Anne. Her disturbing eyes didn’t affect him. "You know, when we were kids you would go off with Rumple and figure out our riddles. I always wondered if you would take to it or not."

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I ate more of the stew with some rice this time. The meat fell apart in my mouth and I gratefully swallowed it. Being able to eat meant I was able to have this chance with my brother. "Thanks, but what do I do now?"

"There are only so many things that can be done. You made copies of the pages?" He said as he nodded to my book.

"I did." I leaned closer to him to see if I could see anything from upside down. "Why?"

He turned a page and pointed. One of the pages that baffled me was a long string of numbers that then had a grid at the end. "Why is there a grid," He asked and a thick eyebrow quirked up as if he had unlocked what was happening. What I had missed.

"I don't know," I said though that couldn't be right.

“It’s for tic-tac-toe,” Anne said nodding though there were too many squares for it.

"Do you remember the Playfair Cypher?" He drew it out on his notebook and gestured to the grid. "Focus on this here." He pointed to the chain of numbers and started to write them down. "There are two repeating numbers. Thirty, three, zero. Why do you think that's important?"

I blinked a few times before it became too clear to me. "They're spaces."

"Bingo. Did you make a cipher for each variation of the Ceaser Cypher?" He asked and took another large portion of stew as I flipped through the pages.

"Of course." I then started to shake my head. "Why didn't I see that?"

"You're good at following you're gut, also we never played too much with the Playfair cipher, mom told me it was unfair to use it on all of you when you were so much younger than me." He shrugged and kept eating.

I started to translate the block of numbers into letters. It was the Playfair cypher with a devious twist. The letters were not placed in alphabetical order, but at random, via the code written in a standard Ceascar cypher, or replacement cypher. Putting the next bit down I gleefully did my translations again.

“See!” Anne pointed at my translation. “Tic-Tac-Toe.” She grinned and for one of many times, I had no idea if she actually knew what was happening or not.

“Good job,” Vaymond said his smile far fonder of her. “You’re Auntie is going to be proud.”

“Mom is going to be proud.” Anne nodded and watched me continue my work.

For a long moment, my work became my focus until Vaymond coughed and got my attention. "Your stew is getting cooler by the minute. And you don't want it to go cold again." He smirked and nodded to the stew.

Part of me wanted to kick him under the table for the horrible joke, but I chose not to as he did mean well. I kept eating and read out the translation until a passage hit me.

'Captain Cornilius Harborn'

My heart lurched. "Vay." I suddenly lost my appetite.

Looking at the translation my brother had no context for the man who was named in this book. He hadn't been hunting for our brothers. His job was to look after the estate, the island, the vault, and the way home. I'm the one who knew who this man was.

"This was the Captain I'd been looking for. Rumple, was once on his ship. From what I learned our attackers sold him…” I shook my head and closed the book. "He's not mentioned in any of the human trafficking sections. The client number isn't the same. Why would they be going after him?"

"A person who sells and ships people is being hunted." Vaymond shook his head his eyes unblinking. "Why is this a problem? Other than we can't kill him."

"I need him alive to know where Rumple is," I said and pointed to the name. "What if I lose my lead?"

Vaymond then frowned and nodded, the dots connecting. "He must have angered someone. Is there any way to intercept?"

It wasn't like cutting through a path in the wood. Finding a sailor on the open ocean was like finding a wave before it crashed back into the sea. "No." I admitted and leaned back in my seat. "If I lose this, I'll find another lead. Rumple's been the easiest to track."

"His stupid nickname really makes him stand out." Vaymond groaned and shook his head. "I never should have told him that story."

I took the bread, and my appitite returned, though for a new reason. If Black Fall was dealing with my brother's captor, then I would need to find out what happened to the man. If he's captured, then we can still get justice.

"I need to leave here early in the morning." I took a large bite of the stew-covered bread. "I need to tell the others I cracked most of the book."

"Will you tell them about this?" He nodded to the passage about our brother's captor. Human trafficking had been one of my fears for my siblings. I know I had been kept as a doll for nobles to mold and corrupt. But my brothers could have worse fates.

I shook my head. "I'll tell them about the kind of people they are acquiring for jobs but," I shook my head. "I can't tell them about Rumple. It means explaining too much about who I am. “

Vaymond picked up another round of flatbread and ripped off a piece. Fishing out some of the stew he looked at it, like the stew would answer a question that’s been simmering in his mind. “What if we told them? Everything? Where I've been, people are accepting.”

My hand gripped the edge of the table as I watched him. “You’re joking.”

“If we are open about our situation, maybe they can help locate the others?” Vaymond then looked to Anne. Like she would be a good person to ask. “Do you think they would accept us?”

Anne opened her mouth then closed it as if she could sense my anger rising.

Vaymond was sheltered in his island. He never had to deal with the outside world. He got to walk in places we were safe. If he said something out of place, people understood what he meant. I knew what my group was like. I had seen them look at me like I had lost my mind.

“They recently released a prisoner. Because one person made an agreement with said prisoner, they let them go. I don’t know if the person even remembers who we are, what we do, what the inside of the house looks like. I don’t know… And I’m too low in the group to point out these things.” I licked my lips, some of the gravy had lingered there and the salt and spices fueled my mind. “From what I know right now. They are all nice people. Good people. Not heroes. But not Beasts. I’ve met only two Beasts and one has begged to not know what’s going on. The other, I still need to prove myself to.”

“You don’t have to prove you’re a monster to a monster,” Anne muttered before she fished out a piece of stewed meat and gleefully took a bite and hummed happily.

My brother let out a small understanding ‘ah’ sound. “I thought they were more like the people…” He paused and waved a hand. “You’re the one who knows outsiders. I’m sorry. If you think they’d ever understand?”

“I think they’ll be good allies, but nothing closer than that. I don't know if I'd ever trust them to come here. Traveling here.” I knew it was harsh for me to say it. That I had to clinically look at the people who swore to stand beside me and know if monsters came to their door, I would stand with them. But if I went out to seek my own vengeance, I wouldn’t want them there. They didn’t need to see my true self. They needed the bard, the kind smile, the person who could dance at a club, and the extra face in a crowd. 

They didn’t need what I really was. 

Vaymond looked at the nearly empty bowl of stew seeing the last bit of meat and potato left he pushed it forward for me. “I trust you. You’ll Find the Path, you’re better at it than the rest of us.”

[oneshortdamnfuse]

I still want to rule out MS b/c I have chronic paresthesia and muscle spasms, and my primary has suggested seeing a neurologist if my vitamins aren't improving anything.

I'm currently taking b12 and vitamin d.

However, I keep getting recommended HEDS content because of my GI issues, joint issues, tachycardia, heat sensitivity, and frequent sprains and strains, etc.

More Under Here - if anyone has these conditions: HEDS, POTS, MCAS, feel free to interact.

I was tested for POTS via a heart monitor and a tilt table test, and I didn't meet the criteria. My heart doctor said my tachycardia was normal and I just needed to drink more water / electrolytes.

I did the tilt table test after about two months of drinking a lot more water and electrolytes, so that was probably a bad idea if I'm supposed to do the test at my "sickest."

About half an hour after the test, I had severe paresthesia in my legs and I had abdominal pain and cramps. I couldn't eat without rushing to the bathroom.

But. My heart rate didn't go above the 30 bpm they were expecting from resting to rising so. No POTS.

I still have random heart palpitations.. especially when I lay on my left side. I still can't climb stairs without getting winded, and I can't do much physical activity without exhaustion.

The thing is... I don't think I fit the criteria based on the Beighton scale?

The stretch of my skin is very mild, and only significant around my hands and feet. I can stretch both pinky fingers beyond 90 degrees, but I can't touch my thumb to my wrist.

I don't have bendy elbows, but I can touch my palms behind my back. I do have "coat hanger pain." I have had TMJ, and I've frequently sprained / strained my fingers, toes, ankles, and knees.

As far as GI goes, I have GERD, silent reflux, no gallbladder (I had severe gallstones), hiatal hernia that corrected itself, intestinal malrotation, IBS D, and intolerance to wheat, dairy, and alliums.

Maybe it's on the spectrum, but not necessarily HEDS. Not sure if I should pursue a diagnosis, or if specialists are going to dismiss me / find me crazy, but I do want answers as to why I'm Like This.

I also know MCAS is a more recent condition, but I have the trifecta of asthma, allergies, and eczema, and that includes random contact dermatitis where just touching my skin can give me a rash.

I just want to be realistic and be prepared when I go see my primary again. I don't want to seem like I am a hypochondriac, because these are all legitimate things going wrong w/ me.

Right now, I am officially diagnosed with:

Asthma, eczema, allergies, IBS, intestinal malrotation, b12 and vitamin d deficiency, benign paroxysmal positional vertigo, paresthesia

I've never seen an ENT doctor, nor a rheumatologist. I have seen a cardiologist and a GI multiple times.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Skin and supplements

I wrote a very long post earlier this morning discussing this.

Thankfully my skin is a lot better after using the steroids. Like I said I don't like using them and only use them when I have an emergency. I am hopeful they will remain this way for a while, now that it's warmer and less dry outside as well. I'm more hopeful now after seeing my skin heal. And even if my skin isn't perfect now, I'm still going to do microbial testing (both skin and gut) to find some solutions. I know this will be treated with gut supplements and a topical antibiotic if needed (I'll ask my dermatologist of an anti-inflammatory/anti-bacterial hand cream she can recommend because I'm sure she would know).

I also had pizza yesterday (with tomato sauce) and my hands did no flare up, yay! I did NOT take any anti-histamines and did not apply steroid creams until 12 hours later, and I would have had a flareup before 12 hours if I ate tomatoes. Tomatoes are NOT the problem, I've eaten tomatoes my whole life (with eczema) and never flared up after eating them. They're not the culprit. Though the fact that I'm reacting to a food in this manner means that I have a deeper root cause which is likely gut inflammation due to dysfunction and/or dysbiosis. Tomatoes are high in salicylates which are inflammatory and also high in histamine. I do have food allergies and mild eosinophilia, and I'm sure my eczema is linked to that.

I'm already taking a gut health supplement which is much better than taking nothing, though I still want to find a supplement more targeted to my personal gut issues (whether it be low HCl levels, not enough digestive enzyme, if I need l-glutamine for intestinal permeability, and which bacteria and yeast strains I can personally benefit from. But I have no ides what my issues are and I've never been officially tested. And I know the GI MAP test can help with identifying microbes and intestinal permeability, but I'm not sure how stomach acid and digestive enzyme levels can be identified. I'm sure enzymes can be measured on a pancreatic lab panel, and there is an online at home test where you can test your stomach acid levels by drinking 8 oz of water with 1 teaspoon of baking soda and waiting how long it takes until you burp. It sounds suspicious and maybe unsafe and I doubt it's that accurate. I can probably get similar results from drinking soda. I don't want to take risks, but I know HCl supplementation can be helpful because stomach acids can kill pathogens you swallow that can potentially infect your GI tract and cause inflammation if not killed. I'll speak to my functional medicine doctor about this.

And regarding my skin microbiome, in hopes I don't test positive for staph, I want to do a skin culture test at my dermatologist's office. I'm worried that my request may be denied, but I'll insist regardless. Everyone has microbes on their skin, but people with eczema have staph. aureus which can cause inflammation and disruption of the filaggrin protein which functions to promote skin barrier integrity.

I'm also happy I discovered Jennifer Fugo because I learned so much about the root causes of eczema, but in a scientific way that avoids all the pseudoscientific and wacky unsubstantiated stuff you see on the internet. She says detoxing isn't needed because your body already detoxes itself, which is true. I learned that I don't need to do a liver detox and the way I can protect my liver is to avoid consuming a lot of alcohol and fatty/sugary foods and be eating and supplementing with key nutrients, minerals and amino acids like magnesium, molybdenum, sulfur, vitamin B6, glycine, glutamine, and bioflavinoids which support its intrinsic detoxification biochemical pathways. I feel like regularly taking a multivitamin and magnesium glycinate as well as eating healthy foods rich in bioflavinoids can help here and I can avoid all the ciilantro, chlorella, milk thistle, and dandelion supplements because that can cause a headache and even some side effects I don't want to deal with (I got sick and nauseous last weekend and I believe it's from the liver supplement).

I also learned of the importance of healthy gut function and a microbiome balance. I know gut health is overhyped on the internet and gut issues are not the root cause of every condition out there. However there is definitely a heavy link between gut health and skin health. Skin health relies heavily on detoxification functions of your internal detoxing organs like the liver and gut and gut aspect of this process relies on proper gut function and microbiome balance.

So I'll speak to my functional medicine doctor about gut function and microbiome balance, and my dermatologist about a skin culture test.

The testing and healing process may take a while, but that's okay if I can manage my skin inflammation with topicals temporarily. So I'll definitely ask my dermatologist for some tacrolimus and any anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial hand creams because I don't really know of any. But I should have both. After talking with my doctors and doing the testing, I will look for a hand cream (hopefully I don't test positive for staph) and a gut health supplement that will support my gut function and microbiome depending on where I have issues and that it can be targeted to my own gut issues. I'm taking one right now and I don't know if it's most compatible for me, but again it's better than nothing.

I will heal, I will become a healthier person and will prove people wrong. Just like how I proved my dentists wrong last year, I will prove dermatologists wrong this year. Eczema is not a skin disease, it has internal root causes.

[unearthlycat]

jumping on this bandwagon i guess (part 2 here)

#rain world

2 notes

🌀 trans-scension 🔁 goldenjetfish

✨ yeekoftheweek Follow

[Image: Navigation directions for a road with a roundabout. An alternate route goes directly through the roundabout. It is labeled "if you;re not a coward ;)"]

got this from my drone nav today

is my iterator fucking okay

👤 herecomestherainagain-deactivated1529700 Go home No Significant Harassment, you're drunk.

🪈 pipe--yard okay im like 99% sure this is fake but i just gotta highlight the audacity of saying "go home" to the guy whose house youre literally driving on top of

🪈 pipe--yard edit: IT'S REAL??!?!

wild-flower-ride-deactivated1532056 void and saints below yall really live like this

📿 guardianknittingneedles-deactivated1534459 Happy one solar-cycle anniversary to the drunk No Significant Harassment post

🪱 cutest-lil-pipe-beast Follow i've only seen this post in screenshots and i still can't believe it's real

🟩 nsh-heritage-posts Certified No Significant Harassment Heritage Post

#rule of laughter #happy 7 sol-cycle anniversary to the drunk nsh post everyone #tumbling stones heritage posts

89,762 notes

☁️ fourteenblueclouds

[image description: Two painterly images of the sky, as viewed from a Metropolis balcony on Five Pebbles during a dry spell. The first shows the sky, uninterrupted save for the spires of distant communications towers. The other, a single figure leaned over the railing of a balcony, looking out over the cityscape.]

the summers up on pebbles were always the worst, but as the end approaches i'm coming to miss them

#original art #artists of tumbling stones #my artwork #painting

342 notes

🗡️ nine-sharp-stones it really feels like everyone is ascending these days. this place is a ghost town. i just wish i could join them but i know i'll never be enough. there's too much of me. if i go it'll twist me into something i don't want to be. and all i can do is be afraid.

i miss my parents. i miss everyone. my best friend ascended last cycle. we couldn't be friends anymore because i was "holding them back".

i just wish i could have gone with them.

#vent #do not reblog #delete later

0 notes

🌀 trans-scension 🔁 halo-of-seven-suns

⛆ raindeerstampede-deactivated1534012 It still gets me every time that even living up here with an abundance of water, we choose to maintain a system of pipes to ensure access to it.

I have to pay a water bill.

It rains so hard every night my balcony has a hands-breadth of standing water when the shields unroll in the morning.

Does nobody see the contradiction here?

🪻 metropolitanghost Follow op have you ever heard of a drainage system

do you like. realize how nasy that water gets

and you want to DRINK it?

🧃 five-pebbsi-official Follow Why drink rainwater when you could be drinking Five Pebbsi, the official drink of the Five Pebbles Metropolitan Zone?

[five-pebbsi-advertisement.jpg]

Quench your thirst and contract 0 intestinal parasites! None!

🪈 pipe--yard

#wow thanks five pebbsi official brand account that doesn't sound suspicious at all

#thank you five pebbles official you sound very trustworthy #i am sure your drink contains nothing else that would be of concern

#what an incredibly trustable source! i am sure if i perform a search query for five pebbsi i will definitely not find anything concerning on the ingredient list!

🖸 pleading-intellects-hot-robot-bod

#it has WHAT IN IT

i would like to wish everyone finding out about the ingredients of five pebbsi from this post my Deepest Condolences but also, Rest In Pieces

#rule of laughter

35,045 notes

🪨 one-cup-of-pebbles 🔁 memes-to-make-you-ascend

[screencap: a greyscale photo of a cup of gravel tea, with two twigs artfully arranged on a plate. Caption reads, "Working on denying the fourth urge this week! #fourthurge #gluttony #graveltea #dietarypurge #releasethe4"]

these guys have got to be stopped

#i am losing my mind over this

4,823 notes

💬 wondering-ottoman 🔁 leviafantastic

🌘 lingeringluna Follow

[Image: a shiny chitinous box containing unidentifiable bluish-white mush.]

living block just got the new ration shipment today. what the [2].

��� lingeringluna this is what they feed the iterator technicians i think

👤 beyondthewinds-deactivated1528045 Technical side of Tumbling Stones, can you confirm?

🧮 sixgrains-official Follow yes i am a real iterator technician and i eat this every day,, for my lunch and for dinner i eat neuron flies. hope this helps

👤 beyondthewinds-deactivated1528045 Thank you, definitely official account of famous iterator architect Six Grains of Gravel, Mountains Abound

#this is an old and humorously meant post i know but… #but no really what?! #i knew it was bad for the stragglers but i had no idea… #at least once we all ascend it'll be a bygone worry i suppose… #tw gluttony

29,761 notes

🌀 trans-scension 🔁 halo-of-seven-suns

⛓️ atopthespires becoming an iterator technician with high ambitions but i'm incredibly clumsy, introduced to them on the first day of the job and i am simply so charming they cannot help but fall in love with me for "research purposes" and i become their specialist little technician attending their every whim despite being the least qualified individual to do so <3

⛓️ atopthespires some of you are very confused what i mean by this, so let me make it clear: i want to [U.] the iterator

⛓️ atopthespires

#op do you understand that the puppet is just a simulacrum of a body? #they are much vaster than your reproduction-addled mind can concieve of i promise you that

the simulacrum being puppeted by a vast inconcievable machine is part of the appeal. whats not clicking

⛓️ atopthespires

#you realize the councils would literally throw you into the void fluid vats for that right #if you don't get excommunicated first

might i introduce you to this Wondrous New Skill called: lying

#rule of laughter #heresy tw #not safe for worshippers

1,672 notes

[waitwiah]

Who am I?

\post00\ My name is Alia and motherf***** I’m ill. Like actually though. I’m twenty something and enjoy reading, watching movies, cooking & baking, singing, and watching anime. I’m on my diagnosis journey where I just have a bunch of symptoms that make my life a little difficult. I’ve always wanted to start a blog to share this journey with people who are going through similar things or just a way to share in general. My own personal therapy in lieu of a therapist I guess (while I’m trying to find one). I am trying out this blog thing to see how it goes. So – Welcome to my life. Back to the subject at hand.

What are those symptoms you ask? I’ll name the top five most annoying things:

1. I’m always so damn tired and cannot sleep. The fatigue is one of the worst things I’ve experienced in a long time. I fall asleep standing up, walking, talking, working, etc.

2. *TW talks of medications*: THE PAIN. Oh my goodness gracious the pain. Lay down – pain. Wake up – pain. There is always pain. I have abdominal pain that is officially chronic. I have abdominal pain with movement, rest, touch, and it is even unresponsive to pain medication which is fun. I have tried dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl, hydrocodone, bentyl, mirtazapine, olanzapine, nortriptyline – all of the pain medications and antidepressants out there. I lived an active thick girl life style. Traveling, working out 4 to 5 times a week, eating healthy, and weighed around 220lbs at 5’7”. I know that sounds very heavy. But keep in mind I was deadlifting and squatting 400lbs at one point and had just hit a bench press PR right before all of this happened. Ugh. Anyway.

3. *TW talks of sharp objects and w*ightloss & d*ath*:  THE PAIN part 2. I have what is called “postprandial” abdominal pain. Every time I eat or drink anything I get what I like to call “the stabbies”. What are the stabbies you may ask? The stabbies are the sensation I feel whenever I eat or drink; like a million tiny razorblades slicing and stabbing my insides. SO I DO NOT EAT OR DRINK. I know, I know. It sounds crazy. “Just suck it up” one may say (just like most of my doctors say). But imagine being in the worst pain of your life because you opened your eyes or performed some other basic bodily function – it’s not so easy to suck it up. Because my intake had decreased so dramatically I was dying; skin mottled, lost 80lbs, bones sticking out, breasts deflated, ASS DONE FELL OFF. Not a single one of my clothing items fit me and I had to spend a bunch of money on new clothes that only temporarily fit because I continue to lose weight. Now I have a feeding tube that goes directly into my intestine so it completely bypasses my stomach. This has quintupled my caloric intake, but I still continue to lose weight…

4. Gastroparesis – kind of.  According to Mayo Clinic, gastroparesis is a condition that affects the normal spontaneous movement of the muscles (motility) in your stomach. I have delayed stomach emptying and a slow intestine. This could be contributing to the pain that I experience but a lot of my docs don’t seem to think this is related and I’m not sure why. Because everything moves so slow and releases into the intestine spontaneously, my blood sugar takes random swings downwards causing me to have altered mental status. And because my intestines move slowly I’m prone to TMI fecal impactions (stool back ups).

5. THE SEIZURES. I have seizures whenever my blood sugar drops quickly that present as altered mental status or focal aware seizures where parts of my face jump or droop. Because of state laws, you cannot drive until 6 months of no seizures or altered mental status episodes. So that takes away a lot of freedom.

 There are plenty more but these are the ones that make my life the most difficult. I’m always open to connect with others with similar symptoms or those who just wanna chat about things. I will try to blog about different topics once per week and do a little vlog action over on tiktok (@ro_lamperouge) weekly as well. Thanks for reading 💕

[cevansbrat0007]

Ten Foot Pole: A Growing Pains Drabble

Summary: Morning sickness is the devil. Andy Barber x Black!Reader

*Warnings: Worried Andy, Sick Reader, Pregnant Reader, Vomit, Thoughts of Murder, Cursing, Minors DNI

A/N: Part of the Growing Pains Series. As always, I’d love your feedback, so please let me know what you think. Semi-proofread. Not beta’d. All mistakes are my own.

___

“Y/N, baby, uh, shit. What can I do?” A worried looking Andy asks as he watches you heave into the toilet yet again.

“Ungh. Nothing, Andy. Please just go away.” You were pretty sure that you had just vomited up your small intestine. It was like this every morning, and at nearly three months along, you still hated it.

“But I - I…baby girl.”

“Oh my god, Andrew. There’s nothing -” You’re cut off as you gag again, and then again. God, how was there anything even left in your stomach?

“Do you want some water, maybe? Would that help?” Your man is clearly dancing on pins and needles as he holds your hair back for you.

So kind. You think to yourself. Especially considering the fact that he’s the one who did this to you. If you survived, you were never having sex again. You would spring for separate beds, a la I Love Lucy. 

“Should we go to the hospital or something?” He presses a kiss to your temple.

“Andy, I smell.” You tell him. “Stop it. And no. This sucks, but it’s normal.”

“Just give me something to do, other than holding your hair back, baby!”

“Argh! You know what you can do? After this, don’t come near me. Do not touch me with a ten foot pole, understand? Because after I have this baby -” Gags. “We are never having sex again. You just keep your -” Gags. “Just keep your distance.”

“I don’t - I don’t think that’s possible.” Your husband mutters. “I love you too much.”

It’s never to early to believe in yourself, honey.

“Yeah, well, who’s fault is that? I don’t need to hear your voice or have you tell me how you feel. I am officially that girl who is having a hard time breathing like a normal human!” .You grumble from your place hunched over your porcelain throne. “You and I are going to learn how to love each other from a distance, damn it!”

Andy strokes a big hand through your hair. “I’m going to get you some water. Or maybe some Ginger Ale. As soon as you’re done. And then you’re going to lay back down.” He tells you. Your man was so sweet. It was too bad that you were plotting his death. He was so cute, and he would be missed. 

“I love you, baby girl.”

“Fuck off, Big Man.” You heave, yet again. 

“Yep. I know you love me too.” He murmurs.

END

[caloires]

some things i learned while hospitalised

- that dizzy feeling you have when you stand up? that has to do with orthostatics, or your change in heart rate from sitting to standing. a normal change is 10-20 bpm, most people with ed's is in the 80s to 100s, the more malnourished (NOT underweight. those are different things) you are, the worse it is. this is bc your heart is weak and can't keep up with pumping blood through your body, it's not something quirky or fun, you could pass out and seriously injure yourself or have a heart attack.

- as i mentioned above, UNDERWEIGHT AND MALNOURISHED ARE NOT THE SAME THING. you can be 'overweight' and be malnourished, you can be a 'healthy' weight and be malnourished, it's not about weight it's about how you are fuelling your body. not getting enough protein and minerals can make you malnourished. not getting enough carbs and fat and sugar can make you malnourished. it's not about weight.

- laxatives are insanely harmful. i know we all say it. but it's true. your body won't be able to digest food properly, you won't be able to shit without them, the bloating and intestinal damage caused can be permanent. in hospital, they gave us stool softeners once a week if we really needed them because they are less harmful than traditional lax, but still not safe.

- the 'sick enough' mentality is BULLSHIT. i was admitted at an 18 BMI, there were people in there with overweight BMIs, there was only ONE girl who looked like the stereotypical hollywood '13 BMI' ED shit. if you are reading this post from your edblr, you are clearly sick enough to get help. ed's are not, and never have been, about weight. those who suffer worry about weight, sometimes, but the diagnosis and effects on our lives revolve around our relationship with FOOD. and the damage that causes our bodies and minds.

- there's a million different ed's. my official diagnosis is Anorexia (Binge/Purge subtype). i never made myself sick. i purged with severe exercise. what's the difference between that and bulimia? according to my doctor (who i slightly disagree with) it's about restriction, as supposedly bulimics don't restrict, only binge/purge. i didn't know there were different types of anorexia, let alone OSFED, AFRID or PICA. and even those can be broken into subtypes. the point im trying to make is: not everyone binges, not everyone restricts, not everyone is worried about body image, not everyone exercises, not everyone purges. EVERY EATING DISORDER IS DIFFERENT.

- you never fully recover. ever. just like any other mental illness, you can treat symptoms, you can get therapy, you can build a healthy relationship with food and self, but every once in a while, those thoughts will always come back. it gets easier to push them away, to treat them like fleeting thoughts, but they're still there. im not saying this to scare anyone away from recovery, if you're thinking about it, PLEASE RECOVER. most things go back to normal-ish, things do get better, but there seems to be an idea that recovery is black and white. it will be hard, you will have days you want to relapse, you will never fully get rid of the thoughts, but you sure as hell can quiet them. recovery is always worth it, and every single person deserves it.

- men with ed's are more likely than you think. the actual statistic is estimated at about 50/50. what's the difference? men tend not to seek help. trans men are at severely higher risk for eating disorders than cis men or women. those gym bros who work out 24/7 and only eat protein? that's an ed. maybe less obviously, most teenage-early adult men don't eat all day, and then have large amounts of food at dinner. my roommates, for example, don't eat all day, then will have take away from 3 different places, a family box or cereal and two boxes of mac and cheese in what is, effectively, a binge. but they don't count calories, they don't really worry about body image. because ed's aren't about that. it's about your relationship with food.

- you can and will stunt your development if you're a teenager. your body won't produce the needed hormones from puberty (including growth, muscle/bone development, and sex characteristics) when malnourished, meaning you can fuck up your strength, bone density, height, and pretty much all other aspects of puberty with an ed. that never comes back. recovering when you're older than puberty age won't make you suddenly start to develop. you will, essentially, be stuck in a semi-developed body for life. one girl in hospital was on an estrogen supplement because of this, it helped her to get a little stronger/develop a little bit, but no where near what it should have been.

basically: eds are scary shit and im so sorry to anyone who has had to go through it. please don't ever take your disorder lightly, it could kill you. you are always worthy of recovery. you are loved, you are important, you are needed in this world.

[transitjournal]

50 Days HRT Update 🔥

No, HRT will not make you turn to a cute anime girl instantly but it will surely do you these things.

Estradiol Hemihydrate 2mg/ Cyproterone Acetate 50mg

First of all, thank you all for your support and interest on my blog. It's what keeps me going.  💕

I used to take DIY HRT with different medications 2 years ago, with spiro and E2 valerate from January 26 2020 to late July 2020. Those doses were pretty low, at least considering from my point. And after I had to stop those meds, all my changes are rolled back, except some very very little breast growth. Now that I'm seeing doctors since October 2021, since HRT is gatekeeped in my country. Thankfully, I finally got them in July 25, officially got a prescription and had my legit cocktail! Now, of course I'm done with talking, let's move to the changes :)

Physical Changes

My skin is much more thinner and more translucent, and I'm more prone to bruises or tear even by slight contact with something. I feel that I have less tolerance for cold, that I now have to run my air conditioning in higher degrees. IDK what will happen in wintertime though! I've noticed my penis is also getting slightly smaller, as well as my testicles, since there's no T supplying those tissues anymore. No longer have to deal with morning wood or random erections, and this makes me so happy! I've noticed tucking is slightly easier because I can't get erections easily, and probably because of my testicular atrophy. I have small breast buds developing much faster compared to my old cocktail in 2020, (check my old posts if you'd like to get to know more about) the sad thing is since I'm taking single estradiol pill a day, fluctiations of estrogen affects my breast tissue. Sometimes it's like it's not there at all, and sometimes it's noticeably there (like a preteen girl's breasts, to compare).

My facial hair is slightly thinner, but it's still there and I have to shave everyday. The thing I didn't expected is, the growth pace of my facial hair is slowed considerably. Considering laser hair removal in future months, I'd do now but I'm short on cash nowadays. I always hated my facial hair, and it was (and still) my biggest cause of dysphoria. I've heard HRT makes laser hair removal on facial hair much more effective, so that's why I've been waiting around. I am also happy that, my scalp is less oily as well as my skin. I've had like soo much oily skin that I had to use lots of products to get rid of. My acne on my forehad is 90% gone, and I'm so happy for it.

Because of T reduced on my system, the sebum production is decreasing, making my skin dryer. And I tried to masturbate twice in a month, but it was so hard to reach climax. I guess I need to find different ways to please me. But my orgasms were more like a full-body experience, and it was... mind blowing.

Mental Changes

Okay don't be afraid of those negative things I say first cause they're not always here, haha. PMS symptoms, usually once a week (sadly). Cramps on my intestines to the point I can't move. Sometimes I find myself that everything in the world irritates me.

And my love life started to bloom again... at least from my side. I find myself I'm falling for handsome guys much more easily... I can't stop myself. It's more of emotional than sexual this time. I started to be able to cry again after months, I cried for my breakup with my boyfriend for first time after 3 months, why it happened is another story to tell about.

And I cry on emotional scenes in TV series. But being able to cry makes me feel free! 💕 I don't have specific craves to foods, but sometimes I feel hungry out of nothing... it's harder for me to say "no" to some foods. My emotions now feels like a rainbow.

[lilallama]

What's the cc opinion on Y/n stepbro?

I have horrible news, my writing block caught up to me. But since I don't want to leave you guys with nothing, here's part 1 of this ask. I'll write the other part soon.

Hoseok respects Kai, but hates his guts. He understands that Kai is important to Y/n and that they value him. So it is very important to not mess with Kai too much. At this point in his and Y/n's relationship they're still unstable. He cannot be sure they won't leave him all of a sudden. Thus, he needs to play his cards right. The disappointing thing is that Kai is also possessive over his little sibling. Automatically Hoseok is perceived as a threat to Y/n, even by just standing next to them. Even worse, he once caught Hoseok sneaking into Y/n's room. That day he broke his right leg and wrist, due to falling out the window of their apartment. Luckily it was only the second floor. When Y/n asked about it he had to lie, and told them he broke his leg and wrist because he landed wrong during dance practice. They didn't look convinced, but didn't ask further. Hoseok can't wait for that bastard to graduate and go to college.

"Kai? Oh~ I don't know him that well. But he seems nice enough. It's really sad that he has to graduate this year..."

As the king of the school (and Y/n's heart) Seokjin does not view Kai as serious threat. So what, he's their step-brother and can potentially influence their perception of him? Pah~ Seokjin is their soulmate! Even if they don't want to admit it. Seokjin, unlike some of the other members, sees no point in breaking into their apartment or stalking Y/n. Because guess what, once they're officially announced to be dating he can go there whenever. And, really, it's just some average, poor person living space. Why would he go there? Truthfully, Seokjin is too full of himself to even consider the possibility that Y/n doesn't yearn for him 24/7. Had the rules of the club not forbade it, he'd have long told the whole school that Y/n is his lover. Kai hates Seokjin so incredibly much, but there is another member worse than him...

"Who? Kai? Uhh... no, I've got nothing. Who's that again?"

Poor Yoongi is seriously scared of Kai. Well, part of him is, the other wishes nothing more than to tear out his intestines and leave them for the rats to devour in some back ally. But.. he doesn't like to talk about it. For the first time he was honestly thankful that he seems to be invisible to others. He was sitting in the tree outside of Y/n's window, enjoying how peaceful they look while sleeping. He almost wanted to snatch them up and run away, leaving the entire building aflame and never returning. Obviously he couldn't do that... right? But then, suddenly Kai walked in and caressed their cheek, kissing their forehead and making sure to place the phone next to them on the bedside table. He didn't notice Yoongi. To this day, it's like he doesn't even know Yoongi exists. How easy it would be to just sneak up behind him and choke the last breath out of him. To push the sharpest raisorblade over his lips, untill they're just a fleshy, bloody mess... Oh, what is he thinking! Aren't intrusive thoughts just the worst..?

"Uhm.. Y/n's brother, right? I don't know... he- he's okay? Just very... I mean he's uncomfortably physical with... nevermind."

In all honesty, Namjoon hates Kai's guts. Though unfortunately for him, his dearest Y/n actually likes their stepbrother. The last thing Namjooon would ever want to do is ruin his chances with Y/n, so he approaches this issue strategically. In school he treats Kai with a healthy dose of respect, which he mostly reciprocates. Always making sure to never allow that pathetic- sorry, I mean, Kai to see the true extent of his obsession over his Y/n. The idea is to make a good impression on Kai. Since he's not delusional, he is well aware that Kai's opinion might sway the object of his obsession. It's best to portray himself as a responsible, mature person who's well off. I mean, who wouldn't want someone so intelligent and filthy rich as their in-law. Unfortunately Namjoon still is affiliated with the other members of the cooking club. That automatically makes Kai distrust him. No sane person could stand being around that bunch. Admittedly Namjoon agrees, though he hates to agree with that weird theatre kid. It's apparent that Kai and his lovely Y/n are not blood related. He in no way matches their kindness, their grace, their beauty, their intellect! But he'll have to live with it if Y/n's going to be his future spouse which they will.

"Yes, I am acquainted with Kai. I'd like to say we're on decent terms, but other than that..."

[my-misplaced-stew]

Stop stealing my organs!

A medic x reader I made on my wattpad. it's not really romantic but eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TW: Ask to tag

You weren't quite sure why you were attracted to your team's medic so much. Maybe it was because of his good looks? In reality it was because of how batshit insane he was.

You were the "I keep this place in tact" guy. That wasn't the job title but it's what you called it. You cleaned the main hallways and rooms such as the rec room, cafeteria, surveillance room, and all the other rooms the team frequented. Although you mainly stayed in the facility while the others fought with their doppelgangers, you on rare occasions helped them not die. That's how you officially met Medic.

It was your first time being on the battle field. Medic told you to join him for the battle so he could have some help dealing with the wounded men. Whenever it was just the two of you during the battle he gave you his medigun so you could heal him while he protected himself. It slightly confused you why he trusted you with the medigun instead of his crossbow but you didn't say anything, maybe he didn't want you accidentally shooting him. The both of you talked outside of battle as well. Although it was mainly while you were being healed or helping him take care of someone else. It still counted as talking to you.

It wasn't till your team lost the battle in the most humiliating way possible that he offered to both fix your broken arm and preform über surgery on you. You weren't quite sure what happened to the rest of the team while you lost, but you knew exactly what happened to you and Medic. You two got separated from everyone else when the enemy Demoman and Soldier started shooting and bombing to close for comfort. Medic tried to run away from the men bombing you two but you ended up getting hit by the Soldier's splash damage. It turns out you were a lot closer to the bomb than you thought, because when you looked at the injuries to your left side all you was was a deep red.

Medic tried to drag you somewhere safe so he could heal you fully without risking his life as well as what was left of yours. You tried your best to run with the aid of Medic only to collapse soon after. He handed you his bonesaw so you could defend yourself while he tried to fight off against the two crazed men. It didn't take long for the enemy Scout to find you practically defenceless. Despite your efforts, trying to slack and hack him with the saw, he managed to easily land a headshot on you. You were lucky you were put into the respawns system when you first started fighting.

Although you went threw the respawn it didn't heal you properly. You came back with your arm broken and still bleeding. Medic met with you after the fight ended to discuss you getting the über surgery, as well as finish what the respawn started. You were impressed with the medigun's healing capabilities, fixing your arm with ease. After you learned what the hell the über surgery was you agreed with no second thought. What you weren't expecting was to be awake during the surgery.

Your heart was beating fast and Medic knew it. You would be considered if he didn't, he was holding it. You tried cracking a few jokes to calm you down, but all it seemed to do was make your heart beat faster and your throat close up. "What the fuck is in my organs?" you asked in a very concerned voice. "Oh! Thank you for reminding me! Archimedes! What have I told you about hiding in my experiments?" he yelled at the bird that flew out of your stomach like a disappointed father. Ok that's it you couldn't take it, you fainted right then and there.

You woke up expecting to be aching everywhere, but you were feeling quite the opposite. If anything you felt more energetic than ever. You felt like you could take on everyone on the enemy team and still have energy left over. That feeling didn't last long once Medic told you that you might have 1 less kidney. And 1 less intestine. And part of your liver gone. He reassured you though! "As long as you are in range of the medigun while it's on they'll eventually grow back!" That's it. Five more fucking minutes.

[killian-whump]

So... I’ve been on multiple hiatuses this past year due to health issues, one of which was Covid, but the others of which I never gave a name/explanation for. In the beginning, that was because I (and my doctor) didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me. Then I figured it out (yes, I did - never be afraid to do your own detective work and bring your ideas to your doctor!), but had to wait on test results to find out for sure - and then still longer for my doctor’s official diagnosis.

At any rate, I can now drop the secrecy and let you guys know I have Celiac Disease. I’m now Gluten Free and already feeling LOADS better, but as my intestines heal, I’m starting to absorb more of the medications I’ve been on for years - awesome when it comes to my anti-anxiety meds, not so awesome when it comes to the thyroid hormones I’m on XD

ANYWAY... Having figured this out and starting to feel better and all, that’s why I’ve been around more often lately. Though I’m now finding there’s, uh... not a whole lot to DO around here, as Colin himself is on hiatus or hibernating or in space or... whatever it is he’s up to.

But, you know, I’m basically back. Although at the moment I’m flying SUPER HIGH on thyroid hormones so there might be some VERY LOUD talking and over-excitability over here.

Oh, and also I hate NFTs, so I’m not touching Colin’s current activities with a ten foot barge pole. I’m just gonna... KEEP ON SCROLLING. I see nothing. I say nothing. I politely pretend it doesn’t exist.

[boldlyvoid]

ain't it fun? | part 4

Summary: reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

Warnings: chronic illness, hurt/comfort, drug use**! spencer and reader smoke weed together; talks of relapse and recovery. Also, a case involving child abductions, getting engaged, love confessions

word count: 2.4k

a/n: not sure how long this is going to keep getting but I am enjoying adding to it

P1 P2 P3

Days like today suck.

She can’t get out of bed, she’s so hungry her stomach is swirling and screaming and there’s a pain in her intestines that feels like someone is eating her from the inside out but she can’t move… and she has to pee but her legs hurt and her head is pounding from the light. It’s 6 am according to the alarm clock, Spencer hasn’t left for work yet and she’s already missing him.

She manages to make it to the bathroom, sitting there for too long after because she can’t find the courage to stand back up.

“Why?” She whispers to herself before the tears start.

Covering her face as she cries, she’s still sitting on the toilet with her underwear around her ankles, sobbing as Spencer walks in.

He helps her up without asking, he’s seen too many bad mornings now to ask if she needs help, he just knows she wants to go back to bed, so he fixes her underwear and picks her up.

When he finally lays her down with all her pillows, he lowers the temperature in the room to relax her bones and gets her a ginger ale to help with the nausea from the pain she’s in. It is a regular occurrence for her to wake up and feel like she’s dying, but Spencer was wonderful when dealing with it.

He’s in the kitchen for a while, she’s worried he’s making something for her to eat that she’ll have to lovingly turn away because she can’t do it right now. Her throat is too tight and it hurts to swallow or talk.

She can hear him talking… he’s on the phone with someone.

When he comes back in, he cuddles into her the way he knows she likes. Soothing his hands over her back in a way that helps the pain while also helping her feel like she’s not alone in all of this. He’ll never understand; but he loves her, so a part of him feels it too.

“You called out?” She whispers against his chest.

He nods, his cheek resting on the top of her head as she feels the friction. “I don’t feel good when you don’t feel good.”

“I’m sorry you had to help.”

He’s told her time and time again that he doesn’t mind.

He would kill for her, he’d clean up the mess if she killed someone. He’d even dig the fucking grave if she needed him too… he wasn’t opposed to being there for her no matter what that entailed.

She just hated the fact he had to, he knew her apology came from her hatred of herself and not the fact she felt sorry for him. She loved the help, it made her feel loved until she felt disappointed in herself for needing it.

“Do you want your medicine?”

She smiles finally, “if you mean my secret joint stash— yes, but if you can’t handle being around me like that, then I don’t need it today.”

“I think I’d like to try it,” Spencer whispers. “If you can smoke weed and not relapse then I think I can too?”

“Probably, but if you can’t, I’ll support you however you need me to?” She smiles up at him, he kisses the tip of her nose as she kisses his chin.

Getting high with Spencer is… interesting to say the least. He doesn’t want a full hit, he just wants a taste and so she takes a drag and blows the smoke from her lungs to his. Sharing a part of themselves in a way they never expected before, this is his most vulnerable moment and he was trusting her with it.

The sunshine hits his face in such a perfect way that as they lay side by side, she can watch his pupil devour his iris as he gets high. Their breathing is steady and their fingers are interlocked. They’re content just blinking together, in the sunshine, quiet. In love.

Her body is so calm, and her mind is slow as she takes it all in and he looks so relaxed. He’s not jittery or caffeine-deprived like most mornings; he’s not anxious or stressed or trying to find a way to pretend he’s fine before leaving for work again, only to come home sad.

He’s okay.

She’s okay.

“It's nice,” he whispers, “but it’s not as good as you.”

She smiles, trying not to laugh at how his thoughts are going to be all jumbled for the next few hours. He’s going to be smart yet stupid at the same time and she couldn’t fucking wait to hear all the things he thinks of.

“I know what you mean,” she agrees.

“This is like a tidal wave..." his ramble starts and she is so excited to see where it takes them. "A tsunami that rushes and relieves just as quickly." His eyes are closed as he talks, visualizing his feelings and it makes her giddy.

"You’re like a volcano; there are so many stages before mass destruction, and even then there’s still the ash cloud and the debris and the lava dries like rocks… the destruction is total and the cleanup will be brutal.”

“I’m addicted to you," his eyes are closed as he talks, visualizing his feelings and it makes her giddy. "Drugs are boring and you’re not,” Simplifying his meaning as his eyes open again.

“I love you,” he says with the same certainty as the first time.

“I love you, too, Spencer,” she didn’t think they’d go down this path when she was blowing into his mouth, she expected him to panic or get horny.

“I don’t think I’ve ever really told you how much.”

He shakes his head lightly, “I wouldn’t be opposed to knowing.”

If she thinks it over, she’ll abandon ship before she can tell him, so she just jumps into it.

“I was a little scared to ask you to help me lock my door that first day because I thought you’d think I was just some junky who couldn’t get their shit together. But the second you asked if I had a local group and you helped me; that was the moment I knew I wanted you in my life for forever.”

He smiles, silent so she can keep going. He’ll take his turn when she’s really done.

“And then when we got to talking it was like I knew you already. Like I had your memories in my mind and as you told me things I was like well duh! Yeah, that’s my Spencer! I don’t know how it happened so fast. One minute you’re a stranger and the next you’re the only person I ever want to see for the rest of my entire fucking life,” it’s more passionate than she expected as she rambles on.

“I can’t get married on paper without losing my disability, but I don’t give a fuck about a piece of paper or someone officially giving us that title one day, I’m content just staying in this bed with you for the rest of time and never moving again.”

He looks like he’s about to explode with love as he presses his lips together in the softest smile. He can’t keep quiet any longer, “are you asking me to spend the rest of my life with you but not marry you?”

She laughs at the realization, “I think so?”

They’re trying to kiss but it ends up more like laughing with their mouths touching and teeth occasionally clashing. It’s hysterical because of the marijuana, sure, but they’re high on each other. It’s everything they’ve ever wanted.

To find something better than drugs; that little purpose in life comes back, that drive to see tomorrow because there are good memories to be made with their favourite person. She’s not afraid of the darkness or the unknowing anymore, Spencer’s her guiding light.

He's holding her close to his chest after a while, "are you feeling better?"

"Of course," she smiles, "I've got my weed and my reid."

His laugh is everything as it fills their space again. This was how the rest of her life was going to feel, and it made her excited for tomorrow.

—

She’s feeling a lot better later and they need Spencer to help Penelope back at work, but he doesn’t want to leave her. She’s in sweats with a blanket on her lap in the corner of Penelope’s office, a book in her hand and a coffee on the table beside her as she listens to them bicker back and forth.

“If you hack the NSA we can no longer use all this as evidence if he’s brought in alive, Penelope!” Spencer whisper shouts at her, afraid to raise his voice at her but wanting to get his point across.

“Hotch needs the aerial shots like yesterday, and the NSA won't get them to us in time for this kid!” She yells back.

“Call google…” Y/N suggests, flipping through her book.

“What?” Spencer looks at her like she just said the dumbest thing ever.

“They’re taking photos constantly for their maps program, my mom was saying our new roof is now on the updated map. They might have all the photos saved up, if the FBI asks nicely they might work with you…” she explains, pressing her lips together in a tight smile.

“You’re a genius!” Penelope shouts, dialling the phone and getting JJ to work his media magic for contact at google.

Spencer's smile is one she hasn’t seen before, he’s not only proud of her; he looks a little turned on. She just cracked the case by knowing all the little hacks about the internet as part of her day job. She lived online, and now she was saving lives because of it.

It was a good case to help on, she got to see 3 kids go home to their parents and know a terrible man was going to rot in prison for the rest of his sad and pathetic life. The hard part was seeing them go through months of footage of this guy's yard, seeing the child-sized holes he dug up. The disrupted earth and the knowledge of what happened when there wasn’t picture proof.

—

They go to a meeting after work.

They sit side by side, her leg is crossed and resting over his knee as their arms are linked and fingers interlocked. They really couldn’t be any closer if they tried. They just wanted to listen today, to know they were in a room of people who were trying, people who understood and battled every bad feeling they did.

“Y/N,” the group leader calls her out just before the end of the meeting, “it’s nice to see you back here with Spencer, we heard you found another group but it’s nice to see you here for the support.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, but as you can see he is distracting.” She gestured to how they were sitting with a small giggle. “I like coming here if you guys don’t mind me occasionally dropping by?”

“By all means,” another member, carol, spoke up. “Spencer is a great sponsor, it’s nice to see him happy.”

She didn’t know he was a sponsor but he thanks her for the compliment, it turns out almost everyone in his group turned to Spencer for support. It was comforting to everyone there to know the real, chemical and biological reasoning behind their addictions. Spencer provided a sense of calm for all of them, like a younger brother; they all loved him dearly.

They’re still holding hands as they walk home, the sun is still setting and it's barely even 7 pm. All the lights on the street are on, shops are closing and the sidewalks are bare. One store is still open however, across the street, she can see the big storefront window, illuminated with the brightest lights to show off a new collection of rings.

“Do you want one?” He notices her eyes darting to the light like a moth to a flame.

“What?” She zones back in when he stops walking.

“A ring, do you want to get one?” He clarifies with the softest voice.

She nods softly, “you should get one too though, seeing as I asked you and everything.”

He grips her hand tighter and they dart across the street. Giggling like children running to the playground, they’re almost out of breath from laughing as they open the shop door with a ding. Smiles on their faces, joy in their hearts, it makes the shop owner swoon as she sees them.

“Did you just get engaged?” She pries with a knowing smile.

They nod, “we just need some rings,” Y/N adds.

She waves them over, “well I’m going to need our sizes first, here try these on.” She hands them what looks like a thin ruler with holes spaces out.

Y/N attempts to find the right one, fitting the best into the 9 and a half. Spencer fits into the 11 on the first try like he knew already and the woman just laughs at the way Y/N glares at him with love.

“What kind of rings are we thinking? Do you have a preferred cut, style, size, or colour?”

It’s a lot all at once and she’s never really thought about it, “I love my grandma's ring, do you have any vintage styles?”

“I have vintage-style rings as well as some restored rings from the '20s and '30s,” she brings out a jewellery box from under the counter. “These are all appraised and unique.”

When she takes the lid off, Y/N’s eyes widen at the view. There are at least 50 rings in their velvet beds as they wait patiently to be tried on; all different shapes sizes and colours like she said. It feels a little overwhelming at first but then her eyes land on a green one. She takes it out slowly and slides it over her ring finger.

It’s perfect.

Spencer picks out a nice gold band to match, he pays and the lady is so happy to watch them leave hand in hand with their new rings. Dedicated to each other forever and ever, he was her person for the rest of time because he said so and that’s as good as a piece of paper.

She’s a completely different person from who she was when she woke up; twirling down the street with the love of her life, high on loving him as he makes her laugh and holds her hand. He stops in the middle of the street and places his hands on her cheeks, drawing her in closer.

“Loving you is so much fun.”

“Ain’t it fun?” She agrees with a smile before pressing their lips together.

taglist:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor

[edencallsme]

Could you write more corpsewalker au, I really love the one you write and would love to read more?

*Vibrates excitingly on an astronautical level* Holy shit, fuck yes, I love infodumping about my AUs, let's fucken goooooo--

(CorpseWalker Infodump in the undercut.)

=====

First of all, let's talk about the Adeuce duo. Since they're, like, always with Yuu from the very beginning, it's only natural that they're the first ones who knows about Yuu's.. condition. (Other than Crowley and maybe the teachers?.. Including Sam, of course.)

Ace will definitely be the first one to find out, with the impromptu sleepover and all that jazz. And yes, he will have a mental breakdown. Knowing that the kid who saved your life and kept you from being expelled is actually some kind of zombie? Big fucking L, my dude. But don't worry, Ace will get over it. (Cue all the undead jokes. Yuusha is not pleased, my guy.)

And of the question on how Yuusha died.. It can be anything really! In my own personal opinion, I'd like to think that our beloved undead Directing Student has tragically murdered. By who, you may ask? IDK, but you have to unlock Yuusha's sad backstory first.

Other than that, it's free game! The CorpseWalker AU is made for my own selfish, gore-loving, dark writer heart. If it's either that Yuu died in a house fire or drowned in a lake, their death is completely up to you and me. (RIP Yuusha, they will never know peace. 😔👊)

I also mentioned that non-human characters could notice something's... wrong with Yuu. Like how the Savanaclaw students recoiling at their scent (because Yuu probably smells like a rotting body), or how Octavinelle students like the Leech twins are thrown off by them (mostly because they can smell the blood underneath their robes). Some Diasomnia fae students will also point out the eerie aura of death and despair around Yuu, especially those who are closely intune with dark energy.

Speaking of non-human students.. What about Grim? He's the one who opened Yuu's gate/coffin and the first character that Yuu officially met.

Well.. At first, Grim did notice that Yuu is strange, especially with the stench of blood and all that. But he was too desperate and focused on getting into NRC than actually figuring out on why Yuu feel like that. Of course, after cooling off, Grim.. finally sees Yuu as they truly are.

They're not some kind of fragile, magic-less human-- No, there's more sinister going on. There's this unmistakable air around that the feline-like monster sees, something dark, and cold, and oh-so malicious. However, Grim is a monster first and foremost, he doesn't know much about humans, and probably doesn't know the difference between Yuusha (the first human he ever met) and the other humans. Flaming Cat Son definitely thinks that Yuusha is like any other human, just a little different, like him. (Oh, Grim, you couldn't be more wrong.)

In conclusion, Yuusha is NRC's local cryptic and I will die on this hill.

And oh yeah, Malleus will definitely be put off by this.. zombie(?) walking around on school grounds. They'll still be friends because Yuusha will relate to Malleus' issue of people being intimidated by him, since technically they have the same problem too? (IDK, it's more like Yuusha have some dark vibes and people can see that, while Malleus is more of a power-level kind of issue.)

Anyways, have some random bloopers because I ran out of brain juice after writing this post.

=====

Malleus, concerned: Child of man, are you aware that your internal organs are spilling out of you?

Yuusha, in their death state: Yea, it just happens something. I've faced much, much worst before. Don't worry about it, Tsunotarou.

Malleus:

Malleus: Child of man, do you need help?

==

(During Leona's Overblot fight.)

Leona, sweating and panting: wHY AREN'T YOU NOT DEAD?!

Yuusha, literally standing on one leg with their ribs exposed: Because Death is a social construct and I hate society.

Yuusha: Also, can you stop with this sandstorm? There's sand sticking to my intestines and it's REALLY itchy.

Ruggie, who's trying to fight back Leona's spells: can we please talk about this AFTER the fight?!?

==

Jack, nervous: Hey, Yuu, can I ask you a random question?

Yuusha: Hm? Yea, sure.

Jack: Why do you smell of blood?

Yuusha: Oh, that's because I'm dead, Jack.

Jack:

Yuusha:

Jack: Th-That's a joke, right? Right, Yuu?

Yuusha: :) *processes to walk away*

Jack: Y-Yuu! It's a joke, right?! Yuu? YUU!!

[highlifeboat]

To distract from the soul crushing angst:

Headcanons on the Miacina proposal and wedding??? (and is heisenberg invited)

Ooo, proposal/wedding headcanons!

Proposal:

Mia 100% asked the daughters before she proposed (because she WAS the one to propose)

Cassandra's response: "Sure, you can ask her. But if you hurt my Mama I will pull your intestines out through your nose."

Bela's response: "Absolutely. I can't really stop you, anyway."

Daniela's response: "YES? OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN PLANNING YOUR WEDDING FOR M O N T H S."

Mia set up this lovely (albeit simplistic) picnic for them, breaking out some top tier wine and food that Bela had helped her make. She gave Alcina this little gift box that held both a written note that was basically Mia trying to put her love for this woman into words, and an engagement ring that was not big enough for Alcina's fingers, but she loved it anyway.

The second Alcina was reading the note, Mia’s anxiety just skyrocketed because she was worried it would be a no

It was not a no

Wedding:

It was a public wedding, since otherwise it would have just been Alcina’s family, and the Village isn’t very big anyway.

Karl was invited ONLY because he made the rings. And also on the condition he didn’t do/say anything abhorrent.

Alcina had to get a wedding dress tailored, because it was her first marriage and none of her other dresses felt… fancy enough.

Mia wore a suit (because she wanted to) and she looked amazing in it.

Cassandra and Daniela were bridesmaids for their mother, while Donna and Bela were bridesmaids for Mia

Angie was both the flower girl and ring bearer. And she did great.

They got a Village priest to officiate the wedding because Miranda flat out refused.

She still showed up, if just to brood, half hoping for something to go horribly wrong.

Moreau and The Duke both cried.

It was actually a very lovely affair, even the Villagers had a good time, though they tried not to mingle with the Lords too much.

Mia carrying ALCINA across the threshold. Because YES.

Like any cliche couple, they kept their wedding attire.