#talk of trauma

[whaledenwtf]

Hey, can I request a drow!Tav who's actually very kind, has strong sense of justice and tries to help people out when she can with Astarion? It seems a bit tricky combination, but I really love your writing. 💛

I love elf-type races so the idea of a soft-spoken sweet drow is actually very interesting and I'm totally interested in exploring! Since you wrote she I'm assuming you wanted AFAB!Tav so I will be writing with she/her pronouns. Warning that there is a minor Non Consensual/ Dubious Consensual moment in the fic. I will be marking it with two stars ** so you are aware of when it ends and when it begins.

REQUEST: HERE BALDUR'S GATE 3 MASTERLIST: HERE

Request: Drow!Tav/Drow!Reader x Astarion - As Sweet As Can Be

WORD COUNT: 1795

Warnings: ANGST (Lots of it) Fluff, Some Smut (NonCon/DubCon), AFAB!Reader, SPOILERS!!!! Speak of Astarion's Lore (Including and not limited to S/A and lack of choices) and Act 1, Love and Support for my Angel Astarion 💖

As always, the goal is to keep the characters as close to their in-game personalities as possible.

People always tell you "it's so easy to just be nice". What a load of bullshit. They never could understand how difficult it was to go against your very nature at every turn. You were raised in the depths of the Underdark, fighting your way out to feel the rays of the sun on your amethyst-toned skin.

That may be why you sympathize with Astarion. You understood what it felt like to be in constant darkness because of your nature. Fighting tooth and nail for freedom, without being someone's puppet. When he tried biting you, you accepted him whole-heartedly. When he asked to drink from you, you accepted him whole-heartedly.

"I still cannot comprehend why you are so kind. They do not deserve your pity." He told you once, at the beginning of your adventure. You ponder his words, and your response.

"All it takes is one kind soul to change a person's future." You had responded. He also pondered your words late at night. He questions what one kind person would have done to change his life.

You told yourself you found a kindred spirit in Astarion, but he wonders if he too had found a kindred spirit in you.

You had saved Arabella from Kagha's viper. Despite many of your companions approving of your actions, you saw Astarion wasn't too pleased with time being wasted on a child.

"We're not getting the information we need. Should we not focus on the worms wriggling in our skulls?" Astarion said to you as you leave the inner sanctums of the Emerald Grove. You could see other companions shoot your spoilsport vampire some sour looks. You put a hand on his shoulder.

"The worms in our skulls are not going to disappear. We have time to focus on them."

"Exactly. They are not going to disappear. You may be content with turning into a mindflayer, but I have my good looks to keep!" He says loudly, earning more disapproving looks from your companions. You sigh.

"You may question my actions, but I will not let an innocent child die at the hands of a treacherous viper. We got our information, and we will find the Arch Druid Halsin. After all, he may have the answers we seek." This seems to appease him, slightly.

"Plus, you get to kill goblins." He grins at those words.

"Now you are speaking my language." You grin at him, patting his shoulder gently. You turn to your other companions.

"We will tread forward and save Halsin, then go to this Creche. I understand that these are much more stops than intended, however we must gain as much information as possible so we could get a full understanding of what is happening and how to prevent it from getting worse." Gale walks up to you and puts a hand on your shoulder.

"I will follow your lead, wherever it leads us." You smile at the human, nodding at everyone else.

Astarion can't help but scoff at Gale's actions.

It was late at night now, and everyone else was asleep. You notice a particularly antsy vampire pacing around quietly, deep in thought.

"Penny for your thoughts?" You ask him when you walk up to him. He jumps, shocked.

"Gods! You can't scare a vampire like that... I'll bite." He ends with a seductive lilt in his tone. He smirks at you as you blush, turning away.

"I am just... thinking." He answers your previous question, frowning. You see his defeated stance, and sigh.

"We're going for a walk." You decide, grabbing his hand and pulling him away from camp, nodding at Halsin as you pass. He lets you drag him until you're in the thicket of the forest, the light of the camp a dot in the distance.

"Why are we walking? Don't we do that enough?" Astarion complains to you, whining loudly. Once you have distance from the camp, you let go of his hand and continue walking.

"I think you need to clear your head." You tell him, humming a soft tune.

"The only thing I need to clear my head of is this tadpole, darling." He says quietly, following you. You find a small clearing near a river, the treeline becoming sparser and allowing the moon's light to bathe you both. You sit near the shoreline, the water lazily moving as if it was also taking reprieve. He grumbles about his clothes getting dirty as he sits next to you.

"I understand how difficult it is for you, Astarion-"

"Nothing is difficult for me. I'm perfect." He says confidently, though you can tell it is forced.

"Must have slipped my mind." You say simply. He continues his act, boasting of his greatness.

"I am wonderfully stealthy, and beautiful." You nod, smiling at him. "I can speak my way out of anything, including Gale's dreadfully boring speeches-" You giggle at his words. He smiles at you, turning to look at you.

"The world is for the taking, darling. And I plan to take it." He says with certainty.

"Are you done your speech?" You tease him, turning to look forward and watch the stars. He gapes next to you, galled at your audacity. He splutters, unable to form a sentence in shock. You laugh loudly, the sound melodic.

"I want to speak about your troubles." He turns away from you now, no longer analyzing your profile.

"All this talk is wasted on me." He whispers, frowning. You turn to look at him again, seeing his scarlet eyes focusing on the rocks below your feet.

"Nothing is wasted on you." You answer simply. His gaze snaps to you. For the first time, you can clearly read his emotions through his eyes. There is a sadness, all encompassing.

"You think I do not understand your plight?-" You look into eachother's eyes, leaning closer. "I was once Lolth's puppet, like most Drow." You turn to look at the sky now, the moon's beams illuminating your face. If Astarion did not know better, he'd think you were a fae, magical and powerful. Beautiful.

"Lolth is a chaotic goddess, blood-thirsty and uncaring. Many of my years in the Underdark were filled with loss, anger, bloodshed... betrayal. I trusted no one. I still find it difficult to trust." You say quietly. He stays silent, allowing you to continue your story. "I began to rebel. I was punished, severely. I knew at that moment I needed to go on the surface. Those years were filled with darkness... the first moment I felt the sun's rays on my skin- I cried. A century of darkness and pain was behind me. I began to follow Eilistraee, and found my path. This anger was a weapon, and I wielded it poorly. Innocent people do not deserve that. I decided to be the good I desperately needed in the Underdark." You ended, tears in your eyes. You turn to look back at him and he was closer, only a couple inches away from you. His eyes flicker to your lips before looking back up at you. He surges forward, kissing you passionately. In shock, you stay still, though your lips move against his.

**NonCon/DubCon Content Warning**

He climbs on top of you, hand going up your night clothes. You pull away when his hand grazes your under boob.

"Astarion-" He kisses your neck, lips kissing the mark he made two nights prior, when he drank from you.

"Astarion, please." He misunderstands you once more, his hand going up to touch your breast, groping it lightly. Your hands go on his chest and push him away. He falls backwards, giving you both some very needed distance. He looks broken, his gaze void.

**NonCon/DubCon Content Warning**

"This isn't right." You tell him, biting your lip. He frowns, turning away.

"I've never had someone turn me away..." He says quietly, looking down. Your heart breaks for him.

"Is this what Cazador asked of you?" You whisper, biting the inside of your cheek. He doesn't answer, but his body language is enough.

"You do not need to put up an act for me, Astarion. You are worthy and enough as you are. I do not need you for your body." You see his eyes get misty, but the tears never fall. He doesn't answer, staying silent.

"Come here, please." You tell him, lying down and spreading your arms. His gaze leaves the ground and he looks at you, before nudging himself closer slowly. He lies next to you, still not touching you.

"May I hold your hand?" You ask him softly. You turn to look at his profile, but he does not meet your gaze. He nods. You take his cold hand in yours, linking your fingers.

"I'm sorry." He whispers. You shake your head.

"I do not want you to apologize to me." You tell him. He turns to you then.

"I... I almost..." He bites his lip, unable to finish his sentence.

"Listen to me, please-" You grip his hand tighter, thumb caressing the alabaster skin.

"You are hurting. You do not deserve this. You are surrounded by darkness. Your reaction... you were conditioned to act in such a way. Did you mean what you did?" He shakes his head, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Then I will not hold it against you." He turns over, laying on his side to look at you. You turn as well, both facing one another and on your sides.

"You're too good for me." He whispers again.

"You're much more than what Cazador has made you believe you are. You aren't just a puppet. I am proof of that." You tell him. His other hand goes up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Let us just... lay here for awhile. Look at the stars. Enjoy the freedom we found." You right yourself, laying on your back. He mirrors you, laying on his back.

"This freedom will not last... not for me." He says after a long period of silence.

"I will make sure it will." He turns to look at you. You turn to him, gazing at his beautiful features.

"200 years of pure shit. I lost all hope in anything." He says to you. You squeeze his hand, fingers still linked.

"I will kill Cazador." You say simply. He laughs loudly, his whole body shaking at the intensity.

"You can certainly try, darling." You smile at him.

"We can do it, together. You do not have to carry your burdens on your own, Astarion." He nudges closer to you, his head leaning on your shoulder.

"I will think about it." That was enough for you. You hum in acceptance, before leaning your cheek against the crown of his head and enjoying the darkness together.

Suddenly, the world didn't feel so alone.

Exploring Astarion's lore and storyline always hurts me, and I try to use it to better fulfill what I wish for him, which is growth and happiness. The scene I wrote which was noncon/dubcon is something I particularly found important to write about because I personally feel like Astarion would use sex as a coping mechanism, and is not used to people pushing him away. Abuse is a cycle, and throughout the game we see Astarion stuck in that cycle, and later on continue it (despite him thinking otherwise).

I think many people overlook the psychological layers to a character like Astarion. To write something that I feel is close to the character, I try to explore every aspect of their past and personality, especially the dark parts. I hope I was able to do so.

[coastxlwaters]

(Not part of the knowledge au since I haven’t rewatched all the episodes yet since I keep zoning out midway)

Tw: depression, talk of trauma, denial,, mental health, coping mechanisms, and slight vents (mine)

More theories since my iPad is getting fixed and I need a little vent time as well.

I see so many people make Eclipse seems depressed, nothing is wrong with that, but I also notice many people think if you experience trauma and are still affected by it your depressed. Since I have gone through similar things but not on the scale of eclipse obviously, think I would be dead if I had, I can relate to him in some aspects and then go from there to figure out how is feeling in some of those moments. I am getting the feeling that the whole memory thing isn’t faulty coding or reuploading. He is still missing things that were pretty obvious throughout the backup and original. Even if ruin was rushed he doesn’t strike me as the type of guy to leave a project half finished. Now since it’s proven that the human brain will block out most traumatic memories you have (other than huge ones that leave gigantic scars on mental or physical health) and since the animatronic mind works so similar it seems like Eclipse’s code is trying to replicate that inside eclipse. Basically trying to deny the fact he had the amount of trauma build up he had so he DOESN’T get depressed.The chronic pains and (maybe headaches?) could be his animatronic body fighting back against what his memory storage is trying to do which could end up damaging his systems in one way or another. So basically he is in denial. This could be me simply reading into things too much or projecting and not realizing it but in my head it is a valid theory, if you would like to add on or simply tell me I am wrong reeling it with your concerns attached I will read them even if it is yelling at me for maybe projecting, your reasons and thoughts are valid to me since it’s clear TSAMS doesn’t like us projecting.

Some more while I’m at it, his trauma was always put down by somebody every time it was slightly brought up. This pained me every time I saw it since when I started watching this show, which was basically when it started, I had the same thing happen to me. Though it didn’t happen very often since no one really on the show talked about it much. I think the reason I read into characters so much is because I have went through many different versions of trauma that most people shouldn’t or wouldn’t have at the age I started receiving it.

[gabapple]

Hi senpai 🤍 in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

Hello there!

Gosh. Get ready for a wall of text. :')

Writing has been an extremely cathartic outlet for me over the years. Every character that I write (especially the protagonists) have a piece of me in them-- usually fears, challenges, similar experiences, etc --and working through their arcs helps me to work through them, too. I strongly empathize with characters, so it not only feels like I'm also getting through stuff, but I'm with a beloved character for the journey. That's part of why I write in the first place... not just for me, but for the readers, too. We're all going through things, and we don't have to do it alone.

The research needed to write certain situations/issues, and that degree of separation (searching for a character, not myself) makes it easier to process and accept, too.

It's a safe way to explore and learn, and find others in the same position.

But here are a handful of examples to provide a more concrete answer to your question:

When our house was broken into several years ago, I was able to stay calm and get help because of the research/writing I'd done for detective characters. I did nothing reckless and I knew what information they would be requesting, which helped to hold off the oncoming panic attack.

Speaking of panic attacks, MANY of the characters I write suffer through them, and while it's very difficult and painful to write these, going through them myself is a lot easier now because I have it in the back of my head to memorize what's happening for writing later... It's that degree of separation. LOL. I also know more/better coping methods to handle them, too, and what not to do. In NLA, we have Viktor go through it a couple of times, and it was physically PAINFUL to write. But I always felt better coming out the other side, and it seems the readers felt seen, too.

I won't get started on the writings of bad ex boyfriends, but THAT was very cathartic, too. :)

Writing also helps me to examine my biases. I grew up in a VERY!!!! conservative culture, where so much was condemned as hell-burning sin. I still struggle with the guilt of that for my own "shortcomings" and may always feel that way. But getting to know characters (original and fanfic-wise) from different walks of life, researching their backgrounds, etc... has really made me a more rounded, accepting person, and I'm so grateful for that. There's SO MUCH I need to learn about the world.

Embarrassingly, there was a time when polyamory was legitimately triggering for me because of how I was raised. Any mention of a threesome, ot3, throuple, etc. would have me running the other way. Safely exploring fiction with folks I trust has given me better perspective, both for the acceptance of polyamory (yay!) and separating it from the harmful abuse of my upbringing (ie, being told that I would be required to share my spouse in the afterlife because God said so and that if I wasn't okay with that, I had a lack of faith, etc)... since they're not at all the same thing.

I'll leave it at that, but if there's anything specific you'd like to know, please feel free to send another ask!

Thanks!

[mynnthia]

was talking with a friend about how some of dunmeshi fаndom misunderstands kabru's initial feelings towards laios.

to sum up kabru's situation via a self-contained modernized metaphor:

kabru is like a guy who lost his entire family in a highly traumatic car accident. years later he joins a discord server and takes note of laios, another server member who seems interesting, so they start chatting. then laios reveals his special interest and favorite movie of all time is David Cronenberg's Crash (1996), and invites kabru to go watch a demolition derby with him

[cat-in-a-mech-suit]

Being forcefully raised as a woman is not any less traumatic and emotionally repressive as being forcefully raised as a man. Femininity is not inherently pure and safe. Coercing someone to perform femininity is not any less toxic than coerced masculinity. Being dysphoric around femininity or having trauma from women doesn’t make you a misogynist.

[stuckinapril]

noticed a dip in posts about palestine on my dash, so i think it deserves to be said again: palestine is not a trend. caring about genocide is not a trend. there are still reports about humanitarian aid trucks intentionally blocked off from gaza, meaning so many fucking gazans, a big portion of them children, are just bleeding out with no help. it just came out recently that israelis disguised as women and medics infiltrated a west bank hospital, at which point they killed 3 palestinians (whom they claim were militants. right). these people are living day to day without even the most basic utilities. anyone who claims to have “activism fatigue” needs to question why they’re so severely lacking in the most basic forms of compassion. you don’t get to just grow bored of talking about palestine. please never stop calling attention to the genocide happening full force in front of us.

[thatrandomblogsays]

Percy: *sacrifices himself to save his friends*

Grover & Annabeth: having PTSD flashbacks

[chloesimaginationthings]

Michael still has beef with Ennard in FNAF…

[z-1-wolfe]

happy pride :3 i offer religious trauma

[clouvu]

yknow what. *undooms your yuri again*

[swirlingyouintomypoems]

Will I always be alone in this house? Reading books that are too hard for me in the long fatherless hours?

let your dad die energy drink - daniel lavery and cecilia corrigan/bob’s burgers, 2011/family line - conan gray/@parentless-suggestions/promises of gold - jose olivarez/unknown/dna - lia marie johnson/i am angry because of my father - halsey/part of me never left that house - mada hayyas/unknown/father - demi lovato/franz kafta/unknown/primer - aaron smith/family line - conan gray/untitled - frank wright

***sorry for all of the unknowns on this one. I really do try to find the sources for everything but I kept coming up empty w these. If you know the sources pls comment/send me an ask or dm and lmk!!

[kylorenscar]

"...and I have to live with that. Forever."

[ziervogelchen]

Anyways I want an older woman to speak to me at a supermarket, practically cornering me as she starts cooing. Touching my hair, saying how pretty and long and curly it is. So soft to the touch, asking if my skin is as soft and not asking when she cups my cheek in her hand. She runs her hands down my throat.

“You’ll be a good girl for mommy, won’t you?” as she comes just a little bit closer, groping me to her heart’s content. Passersby seem concerned, but my pleas for help go unnoticed or ignored. It doesn’t help that when someone does show concern, the woman feigns knowing me.

I helplessly fidget when no one comes to my rescue, flushing and looking away as she’s massaging my chest. She laughs as she slides her hand up my skirt, pushing aside my panties. She pulls back and says, a little too loudly, “You’re all ready for mommy’s cock already! What a good girl.”

When I frantically beg her to speak a little more quietly, her eyes narrow. I’ve fallen right into a trap I didn’t even know she’d set. “You’re right,” she says, “We should go back to mommy’s house. You’ll come along, won’t you?”

With her fingers already inside of me, I simply submit, and climb into the passenger seat of her car.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Council of lovefools.

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[a-place-to-exist]