#talking about nothing but what I love about this series is healing for me tbh

[dekusleftsock]

Me personally, I’m a very big fan of how Horikoshi handled his themes around forgiveness. I love that he really hammers in that forgiveness is a choice that someone can or cannot make, and that neither of those decisions are necessarily “wrong” or “harmful”, that they’re just that. Choices.

And I realized just how much I enjoyed how he handles this because of these leaks. Like him choosing to never forgive Shigaraki for what he’s done, yet wanting to end the suffering as much as possible I feel really speaks to an experience I could never put into words. It’s so viscerally human to be angry, happy, sad; it’s human to forgive, it’s human to not. It’s human to empathize with someone you fundamentally feel shouldn’t be empathized for, and yet it is the single most prominent structure of ancient human societies. We live to empathize, it’s why we have a dog in our house, or we help heal a stranger back to health; and I don’t necessarily think is what “makes us human” bc I feel that excludes people who don’t (because they do exist and nothing is wrong with them for not doing so), but I think it does speak to a very common feeling. It’s normal to want revenge, or to be angry, or to not forgive, but it’s also perfectly normal to want to end the suffering from its source.

That’s also a prominent feature of the Todoroki family, and it’s also what made me so angry about the interpretations surrounding it. There’s nothing wrong with Fuyumi or Natsuo to respond differently to their shared father’s abuse, they’re normal and expected ways to handle one’s inner turmoil. There is healing in forgiving someone, that’s a perfectly truthful idea. But what’s also a way to heal is to simply not let someone matter in your life, you can simultaneously be angry for what they’ve done…and be perfectly fulfilled/healed.

Horikoshi isn’t telling you to forgive bad people, he’s telling you that there’s a reason behind every bad action, that empathy and shared humanity is the single most integral part to a healthy society.

And I love this EVEN MORE because Midoriya Izuku: Rising isn’t even about Izuku, it’s about how everyone else has brought him here, now. That we are one people, one society—Izuku may be the driving horse but he stands as a symbol of our shared humanity in this moment.

I wish I could find the officials rn but I’m gonna have to interpret this given what it is.

Ochako’s choice to “not wipe your slate clean” almost feels less like a “I can’t forgive you” and more like a “society won’t forgive you” statement.

Where Izuku’s or Natsuo’s choice to not forgive someone who has hurt them was a personal decision, this was more of a decision to empathize with Himiko, maybe even forgive her. I can’t help but notice that this was much more of a confession/declaration of affection for someone who has done bad things, than it was about forgiveness and mistakes.

It almost feels more like the bkdk apology if I’m honest. Both of which never have a “I won’t ever forgive you for this” statement, more like they avoid it in its entirety. Same with Rei and Endeavors conversations.

Because it is the victims choice to forgive or not forgive someone. They have as much a right to do so as anyone else.

I guess that’s why I always hated the whole “Izuku shouldn’t forgive Katsuki” take, it’s a very literal commentary on the very thing Horikoshi has written is wrong. It’s wrong to try to tell someone how they should or shouldn’t have reacted to something, you are taking away their integrity. To a certain extent you are infantilizing their ability to make choices for themself.

So it’s for this reason that my love for this series shoots to the sky at this “I won’t forgive you” moment. It’s like Izukus guilt has been lifted, that he has allowed himself to be angry or bitter at someone for wronging him or someone he loves. The mask has fallen, this is it; Izuku and Tenko, and he is being honest of his feelings.

That’s what I love most—the honesty, the anger, the relief, the love, and that these are his choices. No one can take that away from him. Not you, not I, not us.

[mediumgayitalian]

fic rec friday 3

hi!! welcome to fic rec friday. every week, i pick five fics i have bookmarked and rec them with a little review. check them out!

Memories Made by zjass06

"Hi! I'm Will! You're my new neighbour!" the blonde boy beams; Nico frowns in turn, peering curiously at this Will. "My ma' says not to talk to strangers," Nico replies as he sits himself upon the grass. Will plops himself down next to the dark haired boy, who giggles so purely it makes his smile contagious. "I'm not a stranger, I'm your neighbour! You live next to me now and we can be friends!" Or A few snippets of Nico’s life and how his friendship develops with Will, all within a much treasured treehouse.

childhood friends to lovers will ALWAYS be elite. to me. and the centrality of this treehouse in this fic is so fucking cute bc they absolutely are the type of nerds to have a treehouse they use well into their late teens lol

2. Mafia by @buoyantsaturn

Nico is the most terrifying mob boss in New York, and Will is his live-in doctor. A Mafia Au

MY FAVE SOLANGELO SERIES TBH. like is it toxic a little bit? yeah. did the second one make me squeamish? yeah. in the 6/7 years since its been posted, have i read it literally DOZENS of times?? you betcha. idk man theres something about the danger of it all. the insane mob boss and the doctor hes whipped for. SO SO much fun and so so so romantic

3. you stormed into the battlefield (of my heart) by fedyaism

“Doctor Solace,” he says, “would you be willing to tend to a foe?” Will blinks. (He had practically expected everything but this.) “I’m sorry?” “I need you to heal an enemy for me. Can you do that?” Grace asks in a tone that lets Will know that he wasn’t really asking. “An… an enemy, sir?” “Yes. I will send him to you.” “Of course, General.” (What else could he say?)

this ends ambiguously but i am Choosing to believe they find each other again and live happily ever after for ever and ever bc im a weenie. its just...man fuck the military and i got no fondness for war BUT this isnt real and ergo i can sigh dreamily at love that is inherently kind of tragic and all the more desperately beautiful for you, yknow??

4. It's a Process by @oh-hush-its-perfect

When Nico comes out to Hazel, she really isn't sure how to react. Of course, she loves her brother to pieces, but something is holding her back. It takes a while to get over old beliefs. It takes a while to become accepting. It takes Hazel a while indeed. A.K.A. Nico is gay and Hazel can't wrap her head around it.

contrary to what the summary may lead you to believe, hazel is NOT at all homophobic in this fic. in fact her number one goal at all times is to be supportive, even as she struggles, and you know what? thats more important i think. her love for her brother is so transparently obvious in this one, she spends like 8k words doing everything she can to make SURE she is loving and accepting!!! hazel i love you. also the campfire scene had me giggling fr

5. three times everyone thought they hated each other by lizamarri

and the one time everyone realized they didn't ~ ft. capture the flag, big three kids sparring, will healing nico and being sassy about it, and more. enjoy!

NOTHING hits as hard as flirt fighting. truly nothing. also 3+1s are my weakness i stg, theres just something about outside pov and the sheer clarity of how much they love each other and love driving each other up the wall lmfao

thank you for joining me this friday!! happy reading!!

[ndplatypus]

My issue with “Helluva Boss”

Yes the humor relies a lot on vulgarity, sex, drugs, and a lot of cussing. Not my cup of tea but it’s not my issue with the series. I genuinely use to love this show, but recent episodes and a rewatch have me very disillusioned with the series. I’m gonna talk about why here.

At first glance, especially in season 1, it’s pretty good. A lot of decent set ups and the chance at world building. The basic premise is interesting and the characters are fun. It genuinely has a good foundation and the potential to be GOOD. It’s why I’m so upset with it now.

To start off, the writing is weak. Nothing that is set up is ever paid off. The main premise we were set up, a small business started by a lower class character of sneaking off to earth from hell to commit assassination jobs. It’s a fun premise! Again a LOT of potential. It’s implied heavily in the show that imps are lower class, usually servants or country hick folk. And higher class and stronger demons look down on them. It’s said by another imp in the show it’s impress and rare for an imp to have his own business!!!

But it teeters off and looses focus of this by heavily focusing on shipping. (Not saying you can’t mix comedy, romance, and drama in one series, but the show doesn’t do this well) It falls off in a way the show star vs the forces of evil did when the show started focusing less on the more interesting concepts (the racism and classism between mewmins and monsters) and started heavily focus on shipping, switch Tom, Star, Kelly and Marco and others) HB does exactly this. Throwing away other concepts and stories they made the show more interesting just to focus on shipping Stolas and Blitzo.

Another issue I have is how the main couple is portrayed. A ship including a very privileged rich upper class prince character and a lower class character whose race is implied in the show to be seen as less than. Classism and racism is not a good dynamic to start with, but with good writing and some sensitivity can be done right.

But again, it isn’t written well. To make the ship look better it’s almost essentially get written between season 1 and 2 and shifts almost all the blame for the problems in the relationship onto the LOWER CLASS CHARACTER WHO FACES RACISM AND FETISHIZATION FROM HIS RICH PRINCE ROMANCE INTEREST.

This mixed with the very questionable sexual coercion and potential sa issues that are involved in their relationship- it’s very uncomfortable. Not saying a ship isn’t allowed to be toxic. I find toxic characters fascinating tbh, but there is a art to writing them-

As in you have to acknowledge your characters are toxic and have your audience see the characters acknowledge this and try to change and do the work to be better. If both Stolas and Blitzo were written to acknowledge both have sone faults in the relationship and both are hurting each other in different ways and tried to work on themselves it could still be good! HB does not do this. It sets up a couple that on both sides is very toxic but only treats one side as so. The one who in reality based on past writing the show no longer acknowledges, is the bigger victim in the relationship!!!

They completely recontextualize the characters by essentially retconning how they got together, starting season two they take what’s potentially a good pairing of toxic characters who can grow and heal together to just trying to victimize one and make the other the “bad” one. Yea both are toxic but to now make Blitzo the main problem in the relationship and Stolas as the victim of just loving someone who doesn’t treat him write- it’s not good writing. It’s honestly gross.

Stop setting up issues like classism, racism, fetishization, in your show, in your ship, if you don’t actually want to acknowledge it. Stop writing serious real life issues into your stories if you can’t properly handle them. You can’t just pretend now those issues aren’t there in season 2 after establishing these issues in season 1. You can’t retcon this shit between seasons. Have the balls to acknowledge how you write your characters to be shitty people and make them work to be better. Not just pretend they are better without any work being put in!!!

And I could go on how all the gay characters seem grossly fetishized and fit into basic stereotypical top/bottom roles. Soft uwu bottom who goes no wrong and strong and big bad top. Yes some gay men have preferences but being so focused on top and bottom dynamics is weird.

The writing of the female characters is gross as well (the creator will say HB is the boy show and HH will be the girl show but it’s an excuse for cheap writing) all the girl characters are props and get no character or growth of their own. They all exist to prop up the boys. To help further along their development and stories while getting none of their own. The female antagonist in the stories are essentially one dimensional with her personality of “bitch.” And only exist again to be against the boys. The girls in the show are constantly demeaned and talked down to by male characters and treated like “stupid bitches” and this is all okay and funny. But when a female character says something bad about the male characters they are wrong and antagonist and will get a rock dropped on them for laughs at the end of the episode, because the show itself treats the males with depth and forgiveness (because trauma) but the girls are lazy evil caricatures who must get beat down in the end because clearly they are wrong and bad, even though it’s funny when male characters do the exact same shit. Some serious misogyny here.

Also another writing issue is.. it feels a lot like trauma porn. Every main (male) character has to have some deep trauma all somehow about a dead/missing mom and abusive dad (all three main make leads have a variation of this same trauma)

Not every character needs a traumatic back story. Not every trauma has to be death and murder and abusive dads. If you have to have your characters be traumatized to make them interesting or explain away their shitty behavior this is just bad and lazy writing.

It doesn’t feel like she’s trying to tell a story here at this point. Season two ends up feeling like fetish and trauma porn and half baked single dimensional characters that exist solely to sexualize and traumatize.

I hate to be this angry and critical of an indie show but even without all the drama around Viv and the treatment her workers the show itself has simply become a toxic poorly written mess of tropes and stereotypes that are simply meant to sell a product not tell a real story.

I wanted to like this show, and I genuinely use to. But after this new season and a rewatch I simply can’t enjoy it anymore. Anything this series had going for it is now trashed. It’s a shame to see.

Again I use to genuinely love this show. My anger with it comes from seeing it fall so far from the potential it had. But maybe that’s on me.

[gone-series-orchid]

evil astrid au excerpt thing

i can't remember when this diverges from the series--i think in lies, probably. i didn't think this out too much tbh. just go with the flow i guess. i'd really appreciate feedback, but please be gentle!

Astrid made lists. She sent a rotation of kids—trustworthy ones, the younger set, ages twelve to ten—to take polls, surveys, suggestions. What needs doing? What do you want? At first she wanted to do it herself, but then after righting things (that’s how she thought of it, righting, like straightening a crooked picture frame), she realized how naïve that was. She didn’t have time to meet kids on the street and make small talk and try to convince them to care about things outside their immediate purview; she’d done that regularly for Sam and look how that turned out. Astrid was a leader now, not playing second fiddle to anyone. She had to act like it. She had to be an authority.

It took hard work to right things. Sam hadn’t wanted to give up his position. He told her again and again that he wasn’t going to budge. Astrid tried to reason with him. For months she dropped hints. Then she discussed it at length with him, going over the same talking points, trying to be patient. As time wore on, she grew frustrated.

Words wouldn’t sway him. Evoking the concept of democracy, of building some sort of parliament or council, made him hesitate, but he didn’t trust the public. Astrid didn’t blame him—she didn’t either. But it seemed the only thing Sam really responded to was violence—working with his hands, those unnatural Day-Glo green lasers about which she was increasingly concerned. If she used force, she’d have to consider the chance that he’d use them against her or any allies she might gain.

It wouldn’t come to that, she told herself. She bit her fingernails down to the quicks telling herself that. She cozied up to Sam over the course of the next few weeks, hoping that even when she usurped him, he’d remember how loving she could be. He’d remember her generosity—she let him feel her up, after all, even though the crucifix on her necklace felt punishingly cold against her breastbone every time. He’d remember how good and pliant a girlfriend she was, and soon, from a safe distance, he’d realize how much better a leader she was, too.

She was right—Sam didn’t hurt her. She still closed her eyes and saw Orc’s agape mouth, his look of dumb disbelief at seeing the clean, cauterized stump. The howl he made. The look on Sam’s face, cheesy and ill. Orc rushed at him in a blind rage, and Astrid ran at him, shouting, grabbing at him. “We’ll fix it/I’ll fix it” is what she babbled. Orc looked at his stump. After a minute, tears leaked from his eyes. His mouth was open like a child’s.

Sam went quietly after that. After he was safely locked away, Astrid sent Orc to Lana.

She went to the church, sat in the pew closest to the pulpit, and prayed. She prayed for Sam to learn humility, to tame his anger and killing light. She prayed for Lana to heal Orc as best she could and send him back to her without any resentment. She prayed for God to forgive her for being treacherous and deceitful to someone she supposedly loved. Lastly, she prayed for herself, that she may have the strength to do what she knew was right.

When she opened her eyes, she saw the fallen cross lying on the floor by the pulpit. It struck her again, the wrongness of the image. That’s the first thing I’ll have to fix, she thought with a frown. The very first thing.

Astrid returned to the town hall. In one of the adjacent rooms, Little Pete sat on a leather couch. She pulled him close and stroked his hair. That night, when all she could see when she closed her eyes was Sam burning Orc’s arm to nothing, she laced her hands tightly together and prayed again. Please, Lord, forgive me. Let me sleep tonight. I still have so much good to do.

[cladestruction]

PART I of my super long aotd thoughts (and prayers) commentary/analysis extravanganza🤪

warning: spoilers. repetition of words/expressions hehe. badly written (english is not my first language lol). looong text. biased opinions because this is my blog and i get to do with it as i please.

Press conference and failed plan: i love how there’s practically no time jump in the beginning, i find it both dynamic and realistic. as the world’s most famous band/people, they’re always right at the center of attention, even more after such major events like the ones in dsr, so the press conference is great: is sudden and painful to watch, it’s awkward as the boys try to answer the clearly triggering questions in their usual laid-back, disinterested manner, and barely succeed in doing so. also, this scene establishes three elements that i’m so grateful for: 1. Toki is safe with them again but still visibly fucked up, 2. the boys Don’t Remember what happened after they found Toki (the dethlights and stuff), 3. Nathan is the exception, he remembers but doesn’t quite understand wtf happened, and it haunts him. i love how Magnus is talked about in this movie and this scene, the public and the press don’t have much information about him and the band (i guess?) so calling it a tragedy is practically the easiest way to label it, but the reality is waaay deeper, and the fact that this comes back later on? i love it. i also like that the band’s plan announcement shows exactly what i wanted personally: how much Charles' guidance is missing. the boys are erratic and messy, and considering their actual behavior throughout the show it’s actually very rational for stars like them to want to jump right into action. bc it’s their job, their passion, and there’s pressure on them to do something: either talk about what happened, acknowledge their trauma and heal, or get to work and give people music so they can shut up and stop asking questions the boys are not prepared to answer. the tour fails before it begins and it’s great. the fact that Nathan only gets exhausted right after announcing they were back and ready to kick ass adds so much weight and drama, i love it. here we get a beautiful, stunning, amazing sequence with great voiceover and visuals. 10/10 i love the black/white/red sequence with Nathan’s silhouette falling and falling and a bunch of menacing shadows haunting him while the deththeme plays on the background. Masterpiece me thinks.

Crozier: the voiceover is AMAZING (i always loved his voice tbh). Crozier was kind of an annoying character to me throughout the series. he’s the typical american military authority and i’m not a fan, but i have to say i was very excited to see him get more depth in just one scene! i couldn’t help but feel for the guy as he failed to deliver what could’ve been his last words. it feels desolating to see him once again be left in the hands of these mysterious and shady people who are constantly preying on him. this sequence also gives much insight to the Tribunal, which is great to make the audience feel more on edge with their plan and see Salacia as a threat. the song of salvation is mentioned, the metalocalypse, Charles and the Army of the Doomstar. it’s great exposition without taking too much screen time. big fan of scenes like that.

The Church: what can i say, i love the (found) family dynamic. it’s always been there on the show, but this movie really took it to a whole new level and i’m living for it. Ishnifus’ funeral is a great detail. my man did nothing wrong in his short appearance on the finale of the show+dsr, and as a high priest, it feels only right to remember him and pay respects even if it’s for such a short scene. moving on, Toki with headphones is so important to me. he seems a bit recovered but it’s obvious something changed in the band’s behavior toward him. it seems it’s already normal for them to look out for the youngest and tend to him without as many reservations as they once would’ve shown, at least Pickles looks very used to it, even if it’s also clearly a lot of responsibility and he most likely has to deal with by himself (Murderface doesn’t really help and Skwisgaar is very cold and kept to himself. even if he complies with Pickles’ orders, he seems painfully closed off, and Nathan might actually be of help when present, considering Toki wanting to go to the bathroom with him and hinting that this is something they do now. but Nathan is not very present so yup, that’s that). moving on, Charles is…different. he was always calculated and cold but i kinda feel bad for Pickles (and Nathan later on) when they talk to him. Charles uses very mystical(?) language now and talks to the boys in a mysterious and ominous tone, it feels very impersonal, but it’s so good story-wise that i just can’t complain. Pickles’ reaction to Charles telling him that his role in saving the world is just: to be a friend to Nathan is AMAZING. Pickles is clearly nervous and expectant (it’s the end of the world, after all) but then he just asks “that’s all?” and it’s literally the BEST thing he could’ve said. he already IS a friend to Nathan, he has been so for years, even when things had already gotten ugly, so what more should he do? is it not enough? would he even be able to be such a good friend to Nathan if the frontman is being so closed off? the honesty in Pickles’ doubt is great and i love him so so much. moving on, that Edgar exchange with a very dozed-up Nathan almost made me cry. Edgar’s face when Nathan brushes him off is ugh, my heart hurt so so bad for him :( i’m sooo happy this wasn’t his last appearance and final interaction with Nathan. moving on, Nathan and Charles speak and it’s pure exposition, but i like it bc, again, is made clear and dynamic. i reiterate my point about Charles being too ominous-y (?) in his way of talking, making an already exhausted Nathan even more tired and overwhelmed. it feels even a bit out of touch and cruel of Charles to do this but, again, it fits just perfectly in the narrative so i like it.

The fucking PROPOSAL!!!: oh god, ok. i love Abigail, believe me. i remember being so desperate to see a female character appear on the show for more than 1 episode and not be killed off immediately that i screamed when Abigail came around. seeing her again in this movie, alive and well and receiving help really augmented my lifespan. that said, i am happy this is The Abigail Scene of the movie. she’s shown strong, confident, and most importantly, wise. she couldn’t say yes to Nathan, that’d be absurd, but she declined very elegantly. and though Nathan was already going through a lot, she was clear, direct and honest, while expressing respect towards him as a man and towards his feelings for her (though confused and not very well-founded, were honest). she wasn’t cruel but she also didn’t sugarcoat the stuff that Nathan Needed to hear. especially considering how he was acting, how uncharacteristic and weird he was behaving. and no, i won’t say “oh Nathan Explosion would NEVER get on his knees and beg” bc we all know that’s not true lol, but it was very erratic behavior, desperate and needy for all the wrong reasons, and please let’s again remember how much xanax/red wine/coffee this man had on his system !!! and oh, don’t even get me started on how important it was for Abigail to clear up how her kissing Nathan at the end of dsr was an act of shock and thrill of what they just went through. they barely knew each other but Nathan still went and saved her, and while Nathan was just out of all the fucked up shit that happened in dsr‘s last act, she kissed him. they almost dies, and in such extreme conditions they did what they did and that’s ok. but to think there would be more after that was, well, kind of an illusion. and that’s sad but true. in summary, Abigail is a queen and i love her with my whole heart and lungs. if you ask me, i’d love to have seen her more and i actually think her and Nathan could’ve worked out if things were different, or maybe they could be great friends. but for the short scene she got, i think she was great. Nathan breaking up with the fans right after is such a good scene too. he’s lashing out and it makes perfect sense for him to do so. and tbh i will go and say it: he wasn’t wrong in what he said. yes the fans are always there to support the band (i’ll talk more about this in the ending) but they also are constantly setting expectations. the fact that they’ll go and celebrate 99.5% of whatever the band does, the constant fear of losing them is still there, and for Nathan it’s infuriating bc it might get difficult for him to believe that these people will love everything he does, especially bc he, in this moment of his life, doesn’t feel loved.

last part of the church scene: Rockzo. i’m glad his scene was short, i dislike him and don’t enjoy him at all, but i will admit that after witnessing such a painful heartbreak/horrendous proposal, hearing Rockzo start singing Amazing Grace made me laugh very hard. great comedic timing, i liked it.

Dethklok tries to cheer up Nathan: i talked about this before, when they released the teaser clip and all. when i saw that with no context i did feel like Pickles was acting especially concerned toward Nathan here, and he even sounded a bit needy. now that i know it’s because of what Charles told him, it makes so much sense. he feels almost obliged to support and even comfort Nathan in ways that he hadn’t done before, but of course it is! the world is at stake! he is trying his best and he even goes against what he thinks, shown by how he actually doesn't appreciate Nathan treating them like crap and calling them “fuckbags” and “jackshit”. i love how those little details build up tension between them.

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ sunrise in versailles (part 3) (chapter 15)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5k

warnings- swearing, fighting (waaa), emotional distress, mentions of miscarriage, lots of sad shit tbh. I think this is all? lmk.

a/n-Hi m'loves, I hope ur all doing well and having a good summer so far!! I will update the main masterlist asap so all of the chapters are easily accessible through pinned post on my page! -Nini

"so....he's saying that it just happened and there wasn't necessarily any reasoning behind it. Its normal....its not your fault." Taehyung whispered, translating the english speaking doctor's words into Korean as you remained seating in a hospital bed.

No reasoning? normal?

You would scoff if you had the energy.

Instead, you just blinked a few times in understanding, putting your head back and looking up at the obnoxiously bright lights in the room. Really- they werent comforting in the slightest.

The doctor kept speaking to Taehyung, who then would refer to you, "they are....gonna give you medicine to help pass any, um, tissue? left inside..." his voice was thick, slicked with grief as he tried to explain everything.

After they handed you a few papers and pamphlets, they passed a bottle of pain reliever and extra medication into your hands, then pushed you out of the clinic, as if nothing happened, or if anything changed.

The car ride back to the hotel was quiet, you refused to even hold Taehyungs hand, which, yeah...you felt bad for shutting him out, because you know he was hurting just as much as you were, however you wanted to just process it by yourself. It perhaps was selfish to do so, but you didnt want to talk about it.

even with him.

"maybe its a good idea to look into a flight back home...?" he whispered, hand on your lower back as you walk back into the room. You winced before crawling onto the bed, hugging a pillow.

"no....." you mumbled, closing your eyes. The thought of going on a 12 hour plane ride in this condition made you queasy. You just wanted to lay in bed for the next few days to recover.

He put the stuff down and stood in front of the bed, looking down at his feet as his mind rambled of ways to help. "are you hungry?"

You shook your head.

"thirsty? You should probably have some water......do you want me to run you a bath-?"

"taehyung!" you looked over at him, he was taken back for a moment upon hearing your voice, the loudest you've spoken since the miscarriage began. "I want to be left alone, I dont need anything"

He frowned, "but you-"

"but nothing" you sighed, resting your head back down. You swallowed any trace of sadness in your voice, any signal you were ready to break down. "I just....I want to sleep."

"okay" he nodded, upset at your dismissive behavior. All he wanted was to hold you in this moment, for you two to mourn together so you can heal, and you were practically pretending he didnt exist.

He grabbed his cellphone and calmly left the room, walking out to clear his head. The weather was now much sunnier, air was hot but nice. He wondered what adventure you both would be up to right now if this never happened.

Reluctantly, he began to ring up his mother to discuss whats going on, knowing that you will probably be mad for doing it without you, but he needed someone to talk to so desperately.

"mom...." he whispered when the ringing on the other line stopped, signaling someone picked up.

"Taehyung? whats wrong?" her voice was groggy, He suddenly remembered that it was really late over in Busan, and she was most likely asleep.

"im sorry for calling so late" he mumbled, "I just really need to talk to you"

"what is it?" her voice was more awake now, obvious curiosity and panic.

He sighed, taking a breath as he looked around at the people walking down the street. "Y/N....this morning, she had a miscarriage." he swallowed roughly, feeling the familiar lump in his throat. "we just got back to the room after going to the clinic, shes okay, but she wont talk to me...and I know this doesnt concern you in the slightest, you were upset to begin with, but....im hurting mom." his voice cracked at the last sentence, face hiding into his arm.

He heard a stilling of breath on the other line.

Taehyungs mother wasnt all too pleased to hear you both were expecting a child together, but she never wished for something like this to happen, it was heartbreaking.

"ah my son... im terribly sorry my dear." she exhaled, "its okay to cry, its okay to be upset, you know?"

He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the collar of his shirt, "yeah but, I just wanna be with her and shes getting mad at me"

"Its a difficult situation, She is hurting just like you maybe even more, and she needs space....she will come around okay? where is she? where are you? did they specify what caused it?"

"im outside of our hotel, sitting on a bench, she doesnt want me in the room....and shes okay, they gave her medicine and stuff but they said it was natural, like nothing inflicted it or caused it"

She nodded on the other line "okay...maybe you both should come home. I know you worked hard to be there right now but if shes sick you guys need to be close to us. I will make some meals and bring them over so she doesnt have to cook, or you can just stay with us, whatever you two decide."

He brushed his hair with his fingers, listening to his mothers soft soothing tone, one he wasn't particularly used to hearing too often. "I asked her if we should go back and she said no"

"she wants to stay in a foreign country during this? what if something else happens?"

"I dont think she wants to deal with the plane ride" he sighed

"thats understandable, but she can just sleep the entire time, then i'll order a cab to our house straight from the airport, how does that sound?"

"I'll try to talk to her again about it, I just want her to be okay"

"she will be okay, but these things take time. She may not act like she needs you there with her but she does, go back to the room okay?"

"okay....thank you, I'll text you after, love you..." he mumbled, grateful that for once, his mother was supportive in such a time of pain.

-

"you showered?" he asked, walking back into the room as he saw you on the floor, looking out the large window by the bed. Your long wet hair gently dripping to the carpet below you.

"mhm" your eyes stayed glued to the city, watching cars drive around as the sun began to say its goodbyes, setting beautifully and coating the sky with a purple and orange tint.

His eyes looked down to the pillow in your lap, you squeezed it tightly.

"how...uh, how are you feeling physically?"

"mm" you shrugged, finally turning back to look at him. You were pale, and you looked exhausted. The dark bags under your eyes didnt lie. "im managing"

"you dont have to manage alone" he whispered, sitting beside you.

"taehyung..."

"y/n"

You looked at him as he sat on the carpet next to you, your body tightening up once more.

"why wont you let me be here for you?" he whispered, eyes directly on yours as he tilted his head. Taehyung didnt want to come off as aggressive or forceful.

You shook your head, eyes darting out the window once more. "I dont wanna talk about it"

"why no-"

"because it fucking kills me!" you cried out, covering your face, "it hasnt even been a day, im processing it, it doesnt feel real and I just..."

He looked at you, his own expression softening as he felt his stomach churn.

"I just wish it never happened" you choke out in a faint whisper

"I know baby, I know...." he mumbled, slowly bringing his arm to yours, pulling you into his lap. "me too, this is awful, I know it is, and I know I will never understand how you feel....but im hurting too. lets process this together? please?" his fingers laced through your hair as you softly cried, you could feel the exhaustion and emotion seeping through every ounce of your body. "I think we should just go home..."

"but you worked so hard to be here....we arent going..."

Taehyung sighed, "its not important. I...I called my mom and explained the situation, shes offering us a room at the house, she will cook for us and everything, allow you time to heal, and-"

You stopped crying, climbing off his lap and looking at him as if he slapped you in the face. "you called your mom? why? what?"

"I know, im sorry, I shouldve asked you if it was okay-"

"yeah you should have" you wiped your nose and stood up, huffing and tossing the pillow back onto the bed. "thats so....you dont need to go telling everyone. Not to mention she gave me shit when she found out I was pregnant, and now she wants to be all supportive? bull fucking shit"

He was taken back at your sudden outburst, he rose to his feet and turned to you "baby, hey, I know my parents arent the best but they are offering support right now, put all the fighting aside, she knows your hurting and is just trying to be nice"

"I dont care, I refuse to let her do that, especially given the fucking comments she through at me" you ran your hands through your hair. "I mean, shit, taehyung, my own mom didnt know I was pregnant yet and now I have to tell her I already miscarried?" you sighed "this is a lot on me! this is a lot mentally, and you cant just go telling people, im embarrassed"

"you shouldnt be"

"I am, I dont really want to be coddled or get sympathy calls and texts from people, I just want to be alone, and to be honest, I am really fucking mad at you right now"

He raised his brow, he was upset at your behavior but tried to understand the situation from your point of view. "okay..." he exhaled, "I get it, I know, and im sorry"

You threw your phone across the room, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Taehyung felt lost, his attempt of helping seemed to only make shit worse for the both of you. How was one person supposed to navigate or fix the said situation? you wanted help, but you refused it.

He didnt want to leave again, but he grabbed his coat and walked out once more, this time it was to sit on the fire escape stairs out near the balcony.

It felt like hours, he cried, watching cars drive around. It was selfish, but he wished he was one of those people.

he wished he was away, he wished you and him were doing what you had originally planned for the day instead of this.

His heart was in his throat as it suddenly hit him, the loss of the child he had learned to grow so fond of. Taehyung had not known them for very long, but oh, he fell in love at the first heartbeat, the first sonogram that still sat in his wallet at this very moment.

He was in love the moment he walked into his bedroom and saw it as a nursery for the first time, eager to push everything out just so he can decorate it 7 months early.

The moment he saw your bump beginning to form, snapping photos left and right. The moments of holding your hair back so you didnt get vomit in it during your morning sickness days. The moments of him talking to your stomach late at night when you pretended to be asleep and watch.

Taehyung would whisper his fears but righten them as promises of love and nothing less. the role of a father.

It seemed so scary at first, but as he settled into it, the idea became somewhat comforting, at least knowing he wasnt alone.

But now what?

Where do you even start to pick up the pieces of loss of a life you never even got to taste?

Everything that was finally looking up was ripped away in a matter of moments. He was angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at the innocent people walking around below...but he wasnt angry at you, no matter how much you deflect his compassion.

He tossed his cigarette and began to look up at the stars, trying to mentally keep track of the number of them. It was something to distract his brain, it was something to do other than feel pathetic.

The slider door to the balcony slowly opened, presenting you tightly wrapped in a robe as your hair was now thrown into a pony tail.

Taehyung waved his hand, too afraid to speak up.

"I just got off the phone"

He nodded, looking over.

"with my mom" you exhale

"oh?" Taehyung sat up quickly as you walked over, sitting beside him.

"yeah" you whisper, of course you had been crying, there was no way to hide it. "I told her everything, mine as well not wait"

He nodded, unsure of how to react

Its quite for a moment, the overwhelming tension between you both choking you as the night sky blanketed the city, the air thick with love and grief.

"are you okay?" he whispered

"yes...or, will be anyways" you sniff, taking a deep breath and allowing your lungs to receive a moment of calmness for the first time today. "are you?"

He shrugged, looking at you. "mad..." he murmured, watching his heel continue to dig into the cigar that was already on the ground.

"mad?" you whisper

"yeah, mad."

"why?"

"because..." it was his turn to cry, his fists bunching up his white shirt. "I left you, I fucking left you while it happened."

You frown, watching his eyes look anywhere but your own. "My love...whether you were in the room or not, it still wouldve happened"

"At least you wouldnt have been alone..." he choked, "I keep getting images of how scary it mustve been, and how you kept calling me and I was just...not there"

You wiped your eyes, scooting closer to him.

"so fucking dumb, im so stupid. I hate everyone and im mad. Im angry, its not fair" he mumbled

You were unsure of what to say to him, opting to pull him into your arms as you embraced eachother.

"where were you anyways...?"

He sniffed, whispering lowly "I went to get you flowers, and breakfast" his cheeks were slightly red. "just my luck, I do something nice and the world spits in my face"

You couldnt help the small smile that found its way onto your lips, "well thats very sweet...."

"doesnt matter. it was dumb and I shouldnt have left you"

"you cant blame yourself for this" you look at him, turning his head so he sees you. "we need to stop blaming ourselves. This is going to take a while to recover from, and we gotta realize that now more than ever." you whisper, pressing your forehead to his.

He nodded, lifting slightly to kiss you delicately.

Taehyung held both of your hands as he rested his head on your shoulder.

"Im going home"

He sniffed, "you are? I think thats good, we dont have to stay at my moms house, I understand how awkward that might be for you, and it was my wrong doing to just go and talk behind your back. We can just go back to the apartment okay?"

You shake your head slowly, "no, Tae, home...Gwangju." you spoke into his ear gently, your hand running circles on his back. "I need to see my mom, I need time to recover, and to be honest, I need to recover from a lot more than just this one thing...."

He sat away, looking at you. "Gwangju?"

"yeah. Ive been thinking about going back for a while, remember? my mom isnt getting any younger and she still has troubles with her back. She wasnt doing too well when we visited. I need to be with my mom to help her, and so she can help me with everything Ive been dealing with, which....is a lot." you exhale, trying to offer a small laugh to lighten the mood. "she misses me too, all the time"

His face was contorted, mind racing. "well...okay..." he nodded slowly, "thats fine...when do we leave?"

You bit your bottom lip and looked at him, "not we, just me tae..."

Taehyung frowned, "what do you mean? you....are leaving without me?" his voice was thick with emotion as the realness of the sudden situation sunk in.

"yeah...not for long, I promise, I just need time-"

"what are you talking about?" he chokes out, standing up and looking down at you. "I offered to take you back home so we can recover and rest, I offered you anything I could, and you refused, now suddenly you are hot and eager to hop on a plane to Gwangju to....get away from me?"

"its not like that"

"then please explain what it is like because it seems as if life isnt the problem, its me"

You roll your eyes slightly, "stop jumping to conclusions, you know first hand how bad the past months have been, between kaito, the pregnancy, school, work and the drama with you and I. I lost all my friends, I switched to online classes just for the situation, I have to manage everything, all of my shit including yours"

"What do you mean?"

"its just a lot, tae, I am only one person. I love you, I really do, and I wish you would calm down so I can explain."

He sits, face in his hands.

"Listen" you begin "everything is just a lot right now, this...loss..." you whisper "it was the sole decider for me to make the move to go back home for a while. I need to fix some shit, because im not the best person, and I need to be away from people"

"you sound so crazy"

You scoff, looking at him, "crazy?"

"yeah, crazy. so what? we break up? you know, couples dont just leave or abandon eachother when something bad happens, you turn to them when you need support, just as we done with everything else so far." he tries to plead with you, hands trembling a bit. "I know its a lot for you, I know your body is tired physically and mentally, and I can only imagine how the past 24 hours have been, but....you do realize that I am hurting as well? this doesnt just involve you, it was my baby too?"

You sink into your seat, sighing as you shake your head, "obviously I know that"

"then why are you acting like its only your problem?" he winced, "we....we are missing out on so many experiences. we will never get to hold or see that baby ever, you think that doesnt rip my fucking heart out y/n??" his voice wavered, now slightly louder as he tried to get you to see his side. "this is so selfish, you are being so selfish"

You felt tears seep into your eyes, quickly getting up so he doest see your reaction as you open the slider, feet guiding you back into the cold hotel room.

"yeah run away" he scoffs, tears streaming down his face as he attempts to follow you, tossing his jacket to the floor in rage.

"where will I be? where do I go?" he yelled, watching you silently search the closet as you rip clothes out, tossing them to the bed.

When you dont respond, he grows more upset and desperate. "so fuck me then? right? because my feelings on this dont matter?" he cried, standing at the door and watching you. "please tell me what ive done, what ive said, to make you feel like you cant talk or confide in me? why is there no comfort between us? what the fuck happened?"

Tears freely fell as you aggressively threw your suitcase together, you heard his words sink into your blood, your own emotions tugging at your heart as you tried to convince yourself you were capable of making your own choices. "its not a break up, its just some time away from everything, I will come back" you spoke, teeth gritted.

"you are being so selfish y/n" he shook his head in disbelief, "why am I not enough to help? why cant we both go to your moms?"

"because im tired!!" you yell, throwing the shoes in your hands.

He laughed, eyes scanning over you "you are tired? from what? ....oh I get it, me giving you every limb I have, spending my time and money on you must be so exhausting. Im just the fucking worst huh? Jesus, y/n, you are acting like I fucking punched you" he spit

You glared at him, pinching your thigh as he referred to Kaito "Im tired of drama following me everywhere I go. I never fucking asked you to give me anything, ever, at all." you whisper, eyes sinking into his. "How dare you say that to me....." you grew angry at your voice wavering "this was a mistake"

His eyes widened, "a mistake..?"

"yeah..." you scoff "a mistake, clearly the biggest one ive made" you were quick to wipe your eyes. "we should have stayed just friends, you feeling forced to provide and love me just because of the baby is pathetic. You dont have to worry about it anymore anyways, asshole" you spit, turning around.

He felt like he had gotten stabbed in the chest, his breath leaving his lungs as you sat there and accused him of not only not loving you, but the child. "y/n, you know nothing...you have no idea what you are saying"

"oh but I do"

"you are angry, and thats why you said that, I really hope thats the case...because what you just accused me of...." his voice was tight and shallow. "how can you say I only stayed because of the baby....who, by the way, I was willing to give up everything for"

"you felt compelled to, you dont have to lie anymore"

His tears continued to fall, he was shocked at your words. "y/n I love you and that baby more than anything....why are you saying this?"

He regretted yelling, and perhaps he said words that dug deeper than he meant them too, however what you threw back at him was worse than any conversation prior.

"Yeah well I dont even know if the baby was yours or Kaitos so It literally doesnt matter" you threw clothes into your bag "its gone anyways" you sobbed, "so just go on and do whatever the fuck you were doing before I pulled you down with me, okay?"

Taehyung gasped softly, eyes widening as he watched you.

You knew it was wrong, you regretted saying it as soon as it left your mouth, but you couldn't go back on it, not anymore.

"you....you dont?"

You didnt reply, instead, picking the pace up as you gathered your things.

"baby....baby talk to me this isnt funny anymore" he ran over to you, desperately seeking your attention. "look....i...I dont care if it was mine or not, I wouldnt have treated them any differently, baby please listen to me, its okay"

"taehyung I have to go" you whispered

"no..please my love, why are you....what did I do? im sorry...im sorry" he grasped your hand and fell onto his knee

"stop" you choked out, looking at him with tears in your eyes. "listen...Its not forever, just give me some space....please"

"why...this is so...." he whispered, crying as he looked up at you, "please think this through. let me come with you-"

"taehyung....look at me, Im not breaking up with you, I just need space, and if you wont let me do that..." you shrug, "then what are we doing here?"

He looks down at his hands

"thank you, okay? thank you for giving me all of this, and Im sorry it didnt work out, but we need to have time away so we can come back stronger, okay?" you choked out before going back to what you were doing.

Taehyung at some point in the conversation gave up at trying to convince you to stay, he realized his words were no longer effective, and you were gonna walk away from him no matter what he said.

He felt your grip loosen, specifically within the past few weeks. You were slowly slipping away and he knew it, but he didnt want to think it was anything you two couldnt fix, he needed you just as much as you needed him.

He knew he would wait, and if you left and needed space, then he would let you do so.

"fine..." he whispered, feeling one hundred percent defeated as his eyes watched you gather your things. "w-when....are you leaving?"

you sniffed, "tomorrow morning"

"i'll go with you to the airport" he said quickly, making your grasp on your bag tighten.

"okay" you mumbled.

Its not that you didnt love Kim Taehyung, its that you loved him too much to be wrapped in this drama with him all the time. Things will be well for a while then something happens, something always happens, and its not fair.

to either of you.

You regretted saying the baby thing the moment it came out of your mouth, but you were always bad at dealing with emotions. After some time alone with your mom you would need to do some major damage control.

You only wanted 2 weeks alone, its not like you were leaving for 2 years, why was he being so stubborn about this?

It was a fairly quite car trip at 6am the next morning to the airport.

The grey clouds that toppled over you set the tone of the day for taehyung as he parked among the cars in the lot. The last time you two were at this airport was when you arrived here, hopes high for not only the trip, but a positive change in eachothers future.

one that never came.

he walked you inside all the way to your gate, watching as crowds of people gathered nearby.

"well...." he whispered, watching the way his feet scuffed the floor beneath him.

"well..." you repeated, turning to look at him. "its only a few weeks"

Taehyung nodded, repeating the extent in his brain like it would reassure him.

"we will come out of this as better people" you mumbled, reaching up to hug his tightly, hands finding the familiar pattern of running down his back, squeezing him.

"I hope" he exhaled, hugging you just as tight.

Once you pulled away, your faces close together, you looked into his eyes and took every ounce within you to avoid tearing up. Before bed last night, you both discussed the properties of this situation, and what exactly it would entail. You apologized for your words, as did he, and now here you both were at the end of the terminal waiting for your plane to be called so you can head back to korea without him.

"about the baby...." you whispered, looking at him

"I know...you dont have to apologize again. y/n, I dont care who's it was, I honestly dont. nothing would have led me away from you" he reassured, "I just want to make sure you will be okay on the flight"

You nod slowly, "i will be fine, moms picking me up when I land so..."

"good, thats good"

"yup, and i'll text you when im at home okay?" you spoke

"got it"

"you'll wait for me?"

"i'll wait for you" he whispered, kissing your forehead.

"even if im the most awful person?"

Tae laughed softly "you arent, but even if you were, yes"

You nod sadly, finally allowing the tears to spill as he immediately hugged you close to his chest again. its not a goodbye, its a "see you later", right?

"dont cry...this is what you wanted"

You pull back, wiping your eyes "yeah...yeah"

The speaker above your heads announced boarding for your plane. Grabbing the tickets from your bag, you looked at taehyung once more and smiled weakly, "i'll see you, okay?"

He smiled, nodding "i'll be there when you need me" please need me

You waved, quickly turning so he wouldn't see you crying again as you made your way down the tunnel, your body now hidden behind the herd of other passengers.

"love you" he whispered to himself, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he realized his current state, alone.

He hasnt been alone in months, and it provided a certain uncomfy feeling that ran through his body, almost disturbing. He knew he would be returning to the hotel and packing so he could visit his own mother and father back in Busan. Explaining that situation to them will be its own event.

How could something so sweet and beautiful always find its way to trash? to devastation? it was what you two thrived on, and perhaps time apart was needed after all.

He would wait for you

He would wait for your laugh, your eyes, the way you whispered, the way you nagged him over being messy, or how you fussed when he forgot to eat again.

But....how long exactly would he do so?

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

[kookieswan]

Red Light - Call Out My Name

Nightmare!Hoseok x Psychologist!Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Genre: Horror AU, Monster AU, Psychological horror, Angsty tbh, some fluff.

Warnings: Delving into the mind of a nightmare, talk of killing and gore. Reminder that this story isn’t all roses and rainbows. Hoseok is morally gray. It should be noted that this story will contain themes of horror/psychological horror and also explore obsessive behaviors and codependency. Many characters are morally gray. Please be warned!

Summary: Wanting to finish off your meeting with Hoseok on a good note, you’re not ready for the turn it takes.

Notes: This takes place directly after ‘Playing with Madness’. I hope this is okay! I realize there’s a lot of sitting and talking, but it’s really the heart of what builds their relationship up! Thank you for all your support as well lovelies, I really appreciate it! ♥️

This is the 8th part of the Red Light series. Find the Masterlist here ♥️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Did Yoongi tell you about his plan to break some of the nightmares out?” The Nightmare still looks more than displeased, but sits down in the chair situated in front of the barrier between you. Crossing his arms, you note that his wings seem to relax slowly as he continues to stare at you. The dents in his cell aren’t the only reminder of his anger though.

“Are these really the questions you want to be asking right now? Something tells me you have other things on your mind.” His tone is flat, face void of any emotion as he says it. It surprises you slightly since he’s always teasing to a degree… Williams had clearly caused a rift in that, but that’s one think you keep out of your notes as you scribble some down.

You need the answers as badly as you don’t want to ask, or a else you’ll likely get an obscene amount of shit for not getting them. Sighing quietly, you try your best to give him a sincere smile. You don’t want to waste his time with these dumb questions, no, but….

“Please answer Hoseok, it’ll make both of lives easier if you do.” The Nightmare blinks once, twice, and then huffs a humorless chuckle before leaning forward, elbows on his knees. His wings are completely down, almost drooping, but they twitch every now and then in what must be annoyance.

“… No, I had no clue Yoongi was going to go rouge and massacre a good portion of the guards down here. Am I surprised he did it? Also no, he likes to cause mischief ‘for funsies’.” Funsies…? Honestly, it sounds like Yoongi from what you’ve observed so far. The Nightmare is a perfect combinations of unhinged pleasantries and false reassurance. The answer is good enough, so good you decide to change the subject with a final line of writing since Hoseok still looks grumpy.

“Okay… Changing the topic slightly. How did fighting the Nightmare make you feel, the one that assaulted us?” The man breathes in deeply before tipping himself back, effectively tearing his eyes away from you and looking toward the ceiling for what seems like the first time. You bite the inside of your cheek as you wait for a response, not quite sure of what to make of his soured mood, or even how to approach it.

“Fighting it? Well, that was fun. I haven’t got to test my hand in a while… Gutting it after it touched you like that? Nearly euphoric.” His voice drops down to a near whisper, and it unnerves you as a near snarl follows. Usually when you’re around, his attention is apt, eyes on you, almost warm, but now…

“Were you hurt at all? Physically?” Leaning forward, you try your best to show that you genuinely wish to know. Is it a question that you need to ask? No, but you want to make sure that he’s okay since he’s so bothered. You don’t know much about how nightmares heal physically or about their general endurance, so.

“A few scratches here and there, nothing that didn’t heal quickly, Nightmares don’t need much down time to recuperate. Why, were you worried about me dear Doctor?” Perhaps you’re too readable at this point, but then again, it’s human nature to worry for others. Giving him a small smile, just barely a curve of your lips, you nod.

“Yes, I was worried about you.” Hoseok’s eyes snap forward, wide and unblinking. Tapping your pen against your notes, you shrug your shoulders lightly in response.

“I didn’t see the extent of the damage you took since they swept you away so quickly. I’m glad you’re not terribly injured.” He was gone before you could even ask questions, the guards having wrangled him away like the monster they think he is. With all the blood, it was hard to tell who’s was who’s.

“What about mentally? Do you feel like it has affected you negatively in any way? Lingering worries or thoughts?” Eyes narrowing a bit, you just barely notice the way his jaw clenched, how his nostrils flare at your words. Another blink and it’s gone, controlled by the pretty mask he chooses to wear so often.

“There’s nothing to worry about. There was a problem and I solved it, so I won’t linger on what might have played out differently or my actions, Doctor.” A well thought out answer, calculated as he says it slowly back to you. Still, you can’t help but to let a bit more, wishing for nothing more than a deeper look into this Nightmare’s mind.

“It doesn’t bother you that you killed the Nightmare? From what I could tell, there was quite a bit of carnage left behind.” Based on what you’ve managed to collect through research, violence doesn’t typically negatively affect Nightmares. If anything, it spurs them on even more, makes them mindless and bloodthirsty. Even knowing all that, Hoseok had taken the time to check on you, not a trace of madness left behind.

“What bothered me is that it tried to hurt you, that it put its hands on you. Filthy thing didn’t know it’s place, so I put it there. Is it a pity I had to take out one of my own kind? Perhaps, but it needed to be done. I didn’t see any guards trying to help you.” It’s surprisingly honest, and he doesn’t sound mad even, just level. You didn’t see a single guard either, not a single person to lead you to safety, so his point isn’t null.

“Point taken… I suppose I never did say it, so thank you for escorting me to safety Hoseok. I appreciate it.” It’s the truth, even if you were shocked for a solid few hours after it happened. He fought for you, killed someone for you, and as terrifying as that is… It’s also strangely endearing in a way you know it shouldn’t be.

It remains quiet as you jot down a few more notes, finding it surprisingly easy to leave some of the information out. In your expert opinion (because you can say that now thank you very much) it’s in the Nighmares best interests if you leave out some of the deeper things from the doctors down here.

“May I ask you a question?” Dotting off your last set even, you glance back toward Hoseok with raised brows. Humming a bit, you sit back and recross your legs, gesturing for him to go for it. Why not, you’re already allowing for things to slide you likely shouldn’t.

“It seems to be a trend of yours, so sure.” He cracks a smile at that, one that slowly turns into a grin as he stands from his seat, more of the black markings on his chest peeking out from between the zipper of his suit. The Nightmare steps closer, allowing his shadow to fall over your body.

“Were you scared? Worried that you’d be ripped to shreds?” Playing again, but it can’t hurt to indulge him like this every once in a while. Especially if it’ll get him to keep talking to you without issue.

“Yes… and no. Sure, the Nightmare was likely going to kill me but…” Likely isn’t even the right word. You know for a fact that the Nightmare was looking forward to ripping your throat out. Hoseok leans against the wall, forehead nearly touching as he stares down at you intently.

“But…?” It hangs in the air as you try to formulate what you need to say. It needs to be careful, can’t give away too much. That wouldn’t be a good idea with him.

“You were there, and you promised to keep me safe.” You realize how silly it sounds as soon as it leaves your mouth, but it’s true. The only thing that kept you even remotely calm was the fact that Hoseok was there to deescalate the situation… Even if it was in a way you don’t even remotely agree with.

“And I’ve decided I will continue to keep you safe, Doctor. You need me, and I’ll be there. Just call out my name, these walls are thin enough for me to hear.” Call out…? His voice is deep, bordering on what you must be mistaking for sultry, and it’s enough to make you pause. The thought of calling out to him, for him…

“My, my, you look flustered Doctor. Was it something I said?” Pursing your lips, you remain quiet as you start to wrap up your notes, finalizing everything you’ll be submitting for the rest of the doctor to read though. You’re starting to understand why some of the previous psychologists left… or disappeared. You however, are intrigued.

“How much would you squirm if I told you that you look beautiful today? Red really is your color…” Usually wearing neutral colors, you didn’t quite expect for a pop of color to get such a different reaction. You guessed it might draw some attention, but not positive and not from Hoseok of all people. Gathering your materials hastily, you pointedly don’t look him in the eye as he continues to grin salaciously at you, all pearly teeth as he runs his questionably long tongue over them.

“Okay, that’s all for today Hoseok! I have a meeting in about ten minutes I can’t miss. Thank you for your time, and as always, feel free to ask for me before our next appointment if need be.” He watches you stand and retreat, body nearly flushed to the only thing that separates you. Glancing back one more time before exiting, the last think you see before the door slams shut are his extended wings.

“Until then, dearest Doctor…”

[mylifeisactuallyamess]

Chapter 4: Coffee and Dinner

A/N: I love this chapter 🥲 just reminding myself how much I love Hux tbh. Sigh.

Warnings: mentions of food…and fluff.

Word Count: 3.5k+

Masterlist

September blended into October. The leaves on the trees had all changed to red, golds and oranges, the leaves falling and littering the ground in huge mounds. Millicent came back more often now with twigs and suchlike stuck in her fur but she adored the attention she received off Hux. He had taken to brushing her once a day, he was up before you most mornings, the cat already fed and purring with wild abandon in his lap. He had talked you through the medkits and food rations he’d pulled from the pod and you were amazed by how not so different it was.

The bacta though was something else, when he sliced his finger on a piece of metal he sprayed it and within the hour there was just a small pink line left. You strictly told him you didn’t want any part of it, that was far too alien for you even as he spewed facts and figures at you trying to get you to see the benefits you still did not want that blue healing liquid in your body.

He had taken to staying behind when you headed into town and he didn’t disappear which you were pleased about as it allowed you to meet up with Sage for coffee.

You clutched the cup of coffee in your hands, your knee jigged nervously under the table as you watched the door to the diner. She was never usually late but then, you were stupidly early. Nerves made your palms sweaty as you rubbed them on your jeans, running over all the topics you could talk about with her. No mention of space men, no talking of Armitage. You could find other topics, ask questions about her work, tell her about the book you’d been working on because that had finally started flowing.

“Hey stranger!” You jumped up with a squeal and wrapped her in a tight hug which she returned, making you wince slightly. “How are you doing? You feeling ok? It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you.”

“Yeah sorry I’ve been busy writing, but I’m feeling much better.” She gestured for a coffee and you got a refill, the silence stretched between you both as you stirred your drinks. “How’s work?” You almost blurted out.

“Oh yeah, good. Busy. I mean it’s a bar…”

“Yeah…” you sipped your drink trying to ignore the way it scalded your entire mouth as your eyes roamed over the diner. Say something!

“What’s this book about?” She asked and you felt relief at a topic you could talk about.

“Well it’s a continuation of the last one, they want me to kick out so many words a day and the deadline is like February, so I really should write…more.”

“You’re making it into a series?” She asked.

“A trilogy. I don’t think I have anymore in me after that.”

“Can I get you girls something to eat?” Both of you looked up at the waitress, ordering your usuals before the silence between you returned. Why was this so difficult? When did you struggle to find anything to say to each other?

“You been up to much?” You asked curiously and she leaned back in the booth, turning the coffee cup as she tried to find an answer.

“No? I mean it’s literally work, sleep, eat, repeat. Nothing exciting.”

“No, same. Wake up, coffee, write, eat, sleep. Repeat.” You both nodded, avoiding eye contact with each other as you cleared your throat and suddenly wishing you hadn’t ordered food because now you had more silence to try and fill.

“Heard much from Brandon?” Your entire body stiffened at the sound of his name, the fear that he could appear any moment quivered inside and you swallowed nervously.

“No. Well he tried to ring me a few weeks back,” when Armitage landed. “But I blocked his number.”

“Good. That man is a waste of life,” she spat. The waitress deposited the burgers and fries in front of you with a shared basket of onion rings cutting the conversation short, thankfully.

“How’s Max?”

“Oh, cheeky as ever. You know he had really taken to…” she tapered off and you frowned.

“To what?”

“This new ball I got him, yeah. Keeps burying it in the garden and covering it in mud. He’s a fool. What about Millicent?”

“Oh you know, coming home covered in literal branches. We have to keep plucking them from her fur,” you recounted with a soft smile. “But she is loving the attention.” Sage was watching you and then it dawned on you what you’d let slip. Your brain tried to scramble for a new topic as your heart beat relentlessly against your ribs. “How’s the car?” You shot at her, almost following it with a wince at how desperate you sounded. She frowned at you over her burger, picking a piece of the bun off before she answered.

“Fine. It’s not fallen apart yet.”

“Mmm,” taking a big mouthful you hoped she wouldn’t ask anything else. She opened her mouth to say something when her phone rang, tilting the screen away from you she answered it.

“Hello?” She shifted her way out of the booth and went to stand in the corner, keeping her voice low she muttered into the phone. Chewing slowly you tried to listen, maybe it was her boss? Or Christina? You cast a forlorn look at your own phone, Sage was the only person you heard from these days or your publisher. “I need to go,” she huffed. Snatching an onion ring from the basket and grabbing her coat.

“We’ve barely eaten!”

“I know I know!” She muttered round the onion ring. “I’ll make it up to you I promise.” She gave you a swift kiss on the top of your head and an awkward squeeze across the shoulders. She went to fish some money out of her pocket but you stopped her.

“This is my treat today.”

“You sure? I should be treating you as, it’s your birthday.”

“You know I don’t usually do anything! Seeing you is enough, yes I’m sure. Go on, you can owe me.” She bent down for a better hug this time and you returned it.

“I’ll message you!” And with that she was gone. You debated staying and finishing but you looked stupid here with two baskets of barely eaten food so you asked the waitress to box it up for you. Swiftly you paid and headed out into the briskness of midday, but at least the sun had warmed up the inside of your truck for which you were grateful for. Setting the food down you realised you needed to do some shopping. Thankfully it was empty today as you meandered round the store, trying to ignore the sinking feeling of disappointment that had settled on your chest. You missed your friend, maybe it was high time you introduced her to Armitage, seeing as he was here to stay. Except, how were you going to explain him?

Hux emerged from the shed when you pulled up, the handbrake of your truck clicking roughly as you yanked it. He was wiping his hands on a rag he’d found, his coat fluttered around him and again you caught yourself admiring him more than you should be.

“Building another escape pod in there?” You joked as you jumped from your truck and he gave you a wry smile in response.

“I don’t have any fuel,” like it was an absolute possibility that he was.

“Sure, lack of fuel is your only problem,” you muttered to yourself. He followed you inside, hanging his coat up before taking yours and hanging that up too. He was so particular, and tidy. Living with him for over a month now everything became the norm very quickly, well he had nowhere to go so you supposed he had no choice but to settle into an easy rhythm with you. Some days you had heated discussions and others you just sat comfortably in silence while you tried to write and he filled in his journal.

“I got you this from one of the shops in town,” you told him, gesturing to a bag bigger than the rest. “I hope you like it.” You busied yourself putting the shopping away and trying not to watch as he dragged the coat from the bag. The coat was black, not as fitted as his greatcoat but almost as long. The silk lining on the inside was a deep but noticeable emerald green colour and for a moment he just stood there holding it up. “Don’t you like it?” You asked in an attempt to appear nonchalant but all the while you were desperately awaiting his approval. The rustle of fabric told you he was slipping it on, making you turn to admire him as he adjusted the collar unsuccessfully. “Here,” you stepped up to him with a quiet sigh, running your hand along the collar so it sat flush against his neck. You absently smoothed the lapels down, beaming up at him before you stepped back to appreciate how fine he looked.

He moved his arms and fidgeted with the sleeves, tugging it to his liking before his sea green eyes flickered up to where you were expectantly waiting for his reaction, your fingers pushing your lower lip between your teeth in anticipation.

“Is this to make me blend in more?” He asked and you refrained from rolling your eyes.

“I didn’t think you’d want your coat ruined in the shed, plus if we do happen to have visitors they won’t ask what the sigil means.” His whole demeanour went on the defensive and you braced yourself for a lecture.

“You mean the organisation I have dedicated my life to? All my hard work is related to that sigil.” He said, pointing to the coat hanging up. “The very essence of my…”

“Yes exactly!” You interrupted him with an affectionate pat on his chest, stealing the wind out of his sails and his expression relaxed slightly at the lingering touch. “I could sit here and listen to you for hours but other people, probably not so much,” you shrugged and went back to your shopping. Hiding a smug smile as you put food in the fridge, you loved how riled up he got over certain things, his passion was evident but occasionally you saw the wistful look on his face. He did miss where he came from.

You had given him some books to occupy him and he was, much to your amusement, currently nose deep in some of your favourite series. You thought the Dragon of Pern books would resonate with him seeing as they were space travellers settling on an unknown planet. He seemed to be enjoying them because he hadn’t said otherwise, though, that meant anything with him. He had hung up his new coat and sat in the armchair with the book, Millicent appearing from nowhere and planting her massive self on his lap, draping her front legs over his shoulder and resting her head in the crook of his neck.

You opened the cupboard to find yet again your chocolate stash was depleted. Of all the things you thought he’d get attached to it wouldn’t be chocolate but it was a good choice.

“I got you a new bottle,” you said, making him look up from his spot on the sofa, waving the bottle of scotch you were about to put away.

“When I return to the First Order I’ll have to make sure I take a crate with me. I find it’s more pleasing than Corellian Whiskey.” His attention went back to his book and the cat, your cat that never seemed to leave his side so he didn’t see the swift disappointment that no doubt filled your face. You hadn’t given much thought to him going back believing he was stuck here but now you weren’t so sure. Your gaze was drawn to the shed outside, maybe he was building something that would get him home you just didn’t have the heart to find out. Truthfully, you didn’t want to know.

“What’s in the boxes?” Hux asked, not lifting his gaze from the page.

“What?” He sighed, as though it was such a chore to repeat himself, you wondered if he was used to people hanging on his every word. The book tipped down to rest on Millicent who just purred louder.

“The boxes…?”

“Oh! Well we didn’t finish our lunch but it’s been left a while. I wouldn’t eat it now.” Tapping your fingernails on the counter you debated for a moment before walking over to the sitting area. His eyes snapped up from his book again and you smiled a little at the unspoken question that resided there. “I could teach you how to cook.” The book dipped once again and you could see he was considering it. “Well I think it’s time I start preparing you to make your own way here seeing as you can’t…can’t go home.” His brow tugged down a little and you swallowed. “Pretty sure you don’t want to live here with me forever,” you stated with a little nervous giggle at the end.

“Getting to know your food would be beneficial,” he finally spoke and your heart jumped a little.

“Well, I have the ingredients to make beef wellington and I just know it’s something you’re going to enjoy.” You grinned as you hefted Millicent off him, noticing the way he rubbed his chest where the cat had been sitting. She was a Maine Coon, this cat was heavy and she was nearly as wide as he was. Planting a kiss in her rich fur you noted the way she smelled like him first, with her usual warm scent underneath and you hugged her just that bit tighter before releasing her.

You washed your hands, passing him the tea towel to get the ingredients out of the fridge. To his amusement you opened the bottle of wine first, looking up you caught him smiling a little.

“What?”

“You always do this before you cook.”

“Always?” You enquired and he nodded, accepting the glass you gave him. “Some habits die hard.” Sipping the golden liquid you mentally ran through the ingredients, it had been a while since you’d attempted anything from your Nan’s cookbook. “Ok, so this is a complicated recipe but so worth the hard work.” You opened the book, hearing the crack in the binding and some of the pages slipped loose as they were disturbed.

“Why are we putting in so much effort today? I’ve seen you cook without instructions.”

“Because today is my birthday,” you said simply, running your finger down the page before moving to preheat the oven.

“I had no idea.”

“Not many people do, it’s generally something I don’t acknowledge,” you admitted.

“Neither do I,” you glanced up to see him staring down into the glass. “Just reminds me of the mother I never had the chance to know.” Your heart fell apart at his soft admission and on reflex you reached out to lay a hand on his arm. He tensed, his eyes flying to meet your gaze but he didn’t move away like you expected him to. You couldn’t find any words, the loss of a parent wasn’t something you could articulate and you hoped your touch alone could convey enough. Breaking eye contact he cleared his throat and peered down at the book, you withdrew your hand, blinking rapidly as the moment slipped past you both like a fleeting shadow.

“So the first thing we need to do is roast the beef.” You handed him a brush and he listened as you read out the instructions. As he brushed oil over the beef and you chased his motions with sprinkled pepper, trying not to get distracted with how close he was in your small kitchen.

“What creature is this from?”

“A cow. Also where our milk comes from.”

“What is this?” He pointed to the small pot in your hand.

“Pepper, beef and pepper are a match made in heaven. If you like this I’ll have to cook you a steak sometime.”

“Also from a cow?” You glanced up at him with a smile, his naïvety was endearing and it made your heart beat faster. Putting the meat in the oven you introduced him to the food processor and already you could see his interest flare at the sight of it. You let him chop the mushrooms, you expected him to be slow or to cut them unevenly but he suddenly revealed some hidden skills with a blade after you gave him a demonstration. Each mushroom was cut quickly and efficiently, the slices falling perfectly on the board.

“And you’ve never cooked before?” You asked in surprise.

“No, but I know how to wield a blade.” Of course he did.

“Right well,” you drained your glass of wine and poured some more. “Next we blend them.”

“What’s the point of cutting them first?” You shrugged as you swiped them into the processor.

“So they don’t get stuck? I don’t know, I just follow what it says.” He tutted softly as though disappointed in your answer.

“You should question things more. You have no fight in you.” Lifting your head you turned to glare at him and he surprised you yet again, with a small smirk over the rim of his glass.

“And here I was thinking you desired perfect obedience from your subordinates?”

“You are not one of my subordinates,” he pointed out. “If anything, I am yours.”

“Oh!” You put the lid on the top and smiled up at him mischievously, trying to ignore the way the words “I am yours” had your heart tripping over itself. “Well what would that make me? If you’re a General and you’re my subordinate?”

“Grand Marshal.”

“In that case, General. I need you to pulse chop these mushrooms but I don’t want to see sludge, soldier. I want a nice breadcrumb consistency.”

“Yes ma’am,” he breathed, the smile still curving the edges of his lips and you smiled back. “What’s a breadcrumb?”

You weren’t sure if it was the bottle of wine you’d had together or the joy of doing something so domestic with someone else but your soul was soaring. He relaxed, smiles were more readily gracing his expression and his eyes danced whenever you said something amusing. His laugh was reserved, as though he didn’t dare unleash the fullness of his delight. He was witty, his comebacks were whip sharp and you didn’t hold back your joy at his dry humour.

When you finally sat down to eat your belly was hurting from laughing so much but you were sure more wine would sort that.

“You’re right,” he commented after a few mouthfuls.

“I don’t hear that very often.”

“You told me I’d like it. And I do.” He sipped from his glass before continuing. “Though, I’m fairly sure you could make a womp rat taste exquisite.” You could feel the heat rush to your face at his praise and you tried to think of something to say except your throat had closed up. You took a gulp of wine but it was almost too much and your eyes watered.

“What’s a womp rat?” You managed to gasp out.

“Hideous creatures, generally native to Tatooine but for some unknown reason, people think they make good pets.” His entire expression scrunched up in a typical, what you liked to refer to as the, “Armitage doesn’t appreciate this” face.

“Rats here make very good pets, they’re intelligent and clean. I do feel sorry for the wild ones when Millicent decides she wants to play.” His gaze rolled to fix on your face, his head tilted slightly and he sighed.

“These are about the same size as Millie.”

“Oh.” He got up and took the empty plates. You finished your wine and stood, mentally scolding yourself when the floor tipped a little. Too much. He followed you to the living area where you flopped onto the sofa with a dragged out, contented sigh. He stoked the fire, making the flames erupt from the burning log before easing himself onto the sofa. His motion caught your attention, he never sat here, always preferring his own space in the arm chair. Slowly you slid across the seat towards him, just as he leaned back and draped his arm across the top of his seat. He glanced at you, noticing how close you were only to focus once again on the fire, but he didn’t move away.

“Thank you,” a huskiness had entered your voice that you weren’t expecting and he shifted slightly in his seat.

“What for?” Tentatively you leaned into him, resting your face on his chest. Hearing his sharp inhale and the kick of his heart behind his ribs, feeling the way his entire body locked up as you nestled against him.

“Thank you for making my birthday nice again,” you whispered. For a moment neither of you moved but then you felt his arm rest gently around your shoulders, his hand splayed on your arm and you fully relaxed into him. The heat of the fire pulled you very quickly into a comfortable stupor, making your eyes heavy and your breathing even. Sleep was dragging at you but you swore you heard him murmur something back to you, if only you could remember what it was.

[alovelyburn]

Rambles about the Golden Age 19

Going over Berserk again (in totality not in bits in pieces) after some years has been fascinating because most of my interpretations are the same but some of the details have changed.

A lot of it is just that I’ve become more observant about what’s going on with the art (because as I’ve said many times before, I’m not a very visual person - I had to train myself to pay attention to the art at all). 

But part of it is because back when I was all enmeshed in fandom I was kind of reading from biased angles and that skews my perceptions. I spent too much time worrying about how other people would react or whether they’d think I’m an apologist or whatever. Now I don’t care so I’m much more unapologetic about being like, fuck it, Griffith wasn’t a bad person at all pre-Eclipse, bite me.

I also used to have a much harder time making Casca’s character hang together coherently. Now I feel like I get what was being done with her even though I still think she has the worst writing in the series.

Anyway moving on!

Rambles about the Golden Age 19

1. I always say I don’t have the same issues with later Berserk that a lot of people seem to have and hopefully I can keep my attention span going long enough to get into that, but I will say one thing I miss is Miura’s dream sequences. This whole scene is simply heartbreaking but it has nothing on the later flashbacks.

And I love the way Miura handled this waking up moment. The shock, how long it takes him to understand what’s even happening. He also nailed the dazed, kind of numb/dulled look to his face and particularly his eyes:

2. There’s been a lot said about the way MIura treats Casca’s sexual trauma vs say Guts’ or Griffith’s. I’m not too eager to get into that discourse, so what I will say is that I absolutely think there’s an unfortunate difference.

That said, I... understand what’s being done? The thing is, Miura kept Casca alive so that her presence would keep Guts from ever letting go of the Eclipse. But that thing I’ve been saying for ages about how Casca was never going to join the rpg party and go adventuring or on a vengeance quest because that skews the narrative too much? That applies doubly to her here. Because if she retained her sanity and her memories, then it’s the same situation - Berserk becomes about Guts and Casca’s revenge against Griffith instead of about Guts and Griffith. 

Basically, in order to keep that focus directly on Guts (and Griffith) while still maintaining his unbreakable link to the horrors of the Eclipse, Miura keeps Casca around but simultaneously not around, thus preventing her from moving the center point of the narrative. She exists as a walking wound from the Eclipse - a twisting of the knife so that he can’t ever heal because the knife is still there, and still twisting. And of course this is a meta point too since the Beast of Darkness eventually just straight up calls Guts out on keeping her around so that he wont heal.

So yeah, I get it. What it did to Casca is awful... but, I’m not sure what I would have done instead, assuming I didn’t want to just kill her (which is tbh probably what I would have done, personally). So... I don’t know. I guess at base I mostly just wish the manifestation of her trauma had been given more gravitas. It’s kind of like how I wasn’t looking for Casca to be as competent as Griffith or Guts, but I still don’t love how her big moment of triumph (Doldrey vs. Adon) is played as a joke.

I do think it’s interesting how Casca’s reaction to the rape parallel’s Guts’ though. They end up with the same problem (at least initially) - a fear of touching men. 

3. Blood tears being used to indicate one has reached the depths. It’s even reflected in the behelit, which is basically a physical manifestation of absolute despair. Obviously in Guts’ case it’s actually just his missing eye bleeding, but I’m talking about visually here.

4. Obviously this isn’t the whole run - or even the most important part, but I wanted to put it here because even in this condensed form vs the extended sequence in the manga, this is just devastating. 

One of the things Miura did so well was to... use silence where silence is appropriate.  We don’t get an internal monologue, the flashes speak for themselves. And the fact that his Raiders are included, even though only one of them had a name really, and even Corkus is included despite the fact that he and Corkus really... did not get along even a little bit... it’s powerful. It tells the reader how much the Hawks - every Hawk, even the ones he didn’t like - meant to him. 

Because the thing is Guts is a person who operates with an ingroup and outgroup, right? He famously doesn’t care about anything else - everything else can basically burn down for all he cares as long as the specific people that matter to him are spared.

And even when he hated her, Casca was part of that group. Even though he couldn’t get along with Corkus, he’s also part of that group. They could squabble and fight and resent or dislike each other, but ultimately they were all a part of the family called the Band of the Hawk - that’s why he saves Casca back when she fell off the cliff (the first time) even though he thought she was a bitch (HIS WORDS NOT MINE). Didn’t matter. She was a Hawk, and so he was going to protect her. Same reason he calls for Corkus when he’s wandering the Eclipse looking for survivors. 

And then of course, we save the worst losses for last:

The way the scene builds as it runs through his anguish and his... flight, really, the mounting sense of loss, and then boom, the two biggest casualties in his mind. Really, his two favorite people in the world - Casca and G R I F F I T H. So called because Griffith is very obviously the central figure of his grief and pain.

The way the scene treats Griffith is interesting too. So often if Guts thinks back about what he lost and how he lost it, Griffith is featured heavily as the ultimate loss (here, where it builds up to the reveal of Griffith at which point Guts reaches the breaking point and ends up screaming and then crumbling to his knees in a field.) or he’s faced away from the “camera” (as in the “campire still burns” scene) like Guts cant “look” at him. 

Because Griffith is both the primary source of his losses and the biggest loss of them all, to Guts.Which gives rise to his ambivalence.

 All things I look forward to talking about assuming I don’t vaporize myself, but the former tendency just highlights the way he tends to separate Griffith and the demon he became in his head.

Anyway, I did a lot of my thoughts on the situation running from the Eclipse itself into this field scene here, but there it’s in the context of the ways that the Eclipse is basically an over the top repeat of Guts’ flight from Gambino’s band and with much the same outcome. 

But along similar lines, I was talking to @zombiesgohome about the Eclipse and how it’s been a while since I really went through it and then I started thinking about the way the Eclipse looks from Guts’ perspective. 

Because he already blames himself for Griffith’s condition, and then all this happens, and its like... he spent half the Eclipse trying to break Griffith out and as a result there was no one left to save when he finally tried to save the Hawks. He’s got to be thinking maybe he could have done something if he went down there sooner and didnt get all wrapped up trying to “save” the guy who sold them to Demons to begin with. ...which is irrational because he’s still only one man and Apostles are Apostles, BUT. You know. It’s Guts.

And then there’s that moment when Femto awakens, and Guts looks at him and calls him Griffith, and... 

I mean look there’s nothing in the book that tells you what he’s thinking. But that expression just tells me that he’s still... holding onto the hope that its Griffith in there, at least until Femto’s icy expression cuts him off in mid-name. His expression is... pleading. Looking for respite. Maybe he’s hoping that if Griffith is still in there and he’s the boss now, maybe he’ll make it stop. Except that’s not what happens. 

And as readers we know Griffith’s situation. He’s been emotionally unstable and fragile... this whole time. For the entire golden age arc, but especially since he came out of the dungeon. And those of us who [snide comment redacted] know he loved Guts so much that he completely collapsed emotionally and mentally from the feeling of abandonment and rejection. And we know that the Godhand went into his head and pushed every button he had and then weaponized his love for Guts to get him to make that choice. (Which doesn’t exonerate the choice but does explain it.) Just like we, both as people who read the Black Swordsman arc, can extrapolate that the person who came out of that incubator was not the person who went into it.

But Guts doesn’t know any of that. 

If you read a crappy synopsis of Griffith’s character - one of the ones that pop up on sites full of people [bitchy comment redacted] talking about how Griffith heartlessly traded his innocent comrades for power for no reason other than to further his ambition and then ignores the human-to-demon gap when assessing him by treating Femto’s actions as indicative of Human!Griffith’s desires - that’s literally Guts’ perception of the situation. 

And that’s his favorite person. The person whose love and respect he upended his life and abandoned his family to seek. Hell the person who gave him that life  to begin with.  The person he was about to throw his plans out to stay  with.

That being the case, the way he still seeks acknowledgment from Griffith, the way he still wants to be valued by him, is fascinating and it does kind of parallel his situation with Gambino because no matter what Gambino did to him, he just wanted Gambino to love him. And even years later, knowing Gambino sold him to Donovan, knowing Gambino blamed him for everything that ever went wrong in his life, knowing Gambino finally, after all that, tried to kill him... he still is haunted by guilt and the pain of that rejection. 

And i know a lot of people like to say Guts doesn’t still care what Griffith thinks and just wants him dead, but that’s not true, pay more attention, people!

In fact lets go over something about that starting around now.

5. We establish that the spirits can only really get into your head if you let them - he’s initially starting to get consumed because he’s... feeling emotionally vulnerable and angry and weak, but when he steels his will he can shake them off, and Skull Knight is just kind of like yeah keep your guard up. Just a sidenote, but important to bear in mind.

(Sorry just taking a moment to swoon. Honestly, I know i talk about Griffith a lot but Guts is my favorite character in all of fiction. Way back during the 100 Man battle I said that was the first time (chronologically) we see hints of the Black Swordsman in him. I stand by that. This, though, is when the Black Swordsman is truly born.)

But anyway, why this leads us back to how Guts does still want Griffith to value him, acknowledge him, see him.... it’s because here he is declaring war on apostles and demons and spirits and Godhand....

And then... turn the page....

And there’s the Griffith thing. So like, why is this here? Why does this page and that memory spring up the second he starts talking about murdering every demon?

I mean, it’s because his goal hasn’t changed. He still wants Griffith to see him - to look at him and respect him and see significance in him. It’s the fact that Griffith once said that the kind of person he would respect is the kind of person who would follow their goal to the bitter end and trample everything in their way, even if it’s Griffith himself... that gives Guts the will to fight Griffith himself. 

I’m not saying Guts is doing this to make Griffith like him still. But I AM saying he’s doing it in large part to make Griffith see him still. To make Griffith take notice and "realize” that he made a mistake by not just killing him. Because the only thing Guts can’t take, when it comes to Griffith, is being dismissed as insignificant, that’s why in the BSM arc and on the Hill of Swords, he only really starts getting seriously worked up when Griffith/Femto blows him off.

Yet, the fact that he is, even here, unable to finish that last thought - “even if the threat were Griffith himself” - is the first hint of his... ambivalence. He swore revenge, but when he thinks about what that really means - about how it means actually trying to kill Griffith - he falters. AND that ambivalence will continue in perpetuity, albeit reducing to some degree once he puts up a barrier between the Griffith he knew and the one that still exists.

Also I’m on record as thinking the Skull Knight is bullshitting every time he says something is change. I haven’t forgotten how you popped up a year before the eclipse talking about how Guts should pick up his broken sword and survive, Skeleton Man.

6. I JUST THINK IT’S KIND OF FUNNY THAT THE FIRST THING GUTS DOES WHEN HE SEES THE BABY IS TRY TO STEP ON IT?

Don’t get me wrong, I think thats like, understandable and all, I’m not knocking him.  I’m just saying its funny to me because I’m grim.

ALL THAT SAID

I mean once he knows what it is, he does show visible anguish and internal conflict over it. Because obviously it’s also his kid.

I have really... jandkjnasdf this whole scene is pretty effective in my opinion but the whole baby thing is just sort of odd and his presence in the story has also always been odd. It’s just gotten more odd since he merged with Griffith. I... don’t know, lol I actually can’t even begin to figure out how to talk about that kid because he’s such a weird element in the story. Eh, I’ll piece it together one day.

Anyway.

7. This whole scene is great because most of the time if you have a warrior or an archer or whatever and they have only one eye everyone just ignores how devastating that would be. 

It’s not especially realistic for Guts to compensate that well, especially that quickly, I get that. But it’s cool that Miura decided to take a moment to address it.  And he does say later that it’s been a month since the Eclipse, so it looks like he does spend some time on it.

Also I do think to some degree we just have to accept that Guts is legitimately a genius in the field of asskicking.

8. You know, I’d actually forgotten that they literally had to lock her up. That does make the fact that he dumped her there and ran off for literal years kind of... interesting. I mean I have a lot of thoughts on just Guts and Casca’s relationship over the course of the whole series - I talked a lot about their Golden Age dynamic and romance back when I went over the sex scene, but I do sometimes wonder what people are seeing when they coo about Gutsca. I.... 

...it’s not liike I don’t think she’s important to him or that he cares about her or loves her, it’s just that he treats her terribly and I do think to large degree its just... his personality. But it’s just strange how everyone talks as though Casca is and has always been his top priority when he.... actually routinely mistreats her and even when he does prioritize her he struggles with it because he’d kind of rather be doing something else.  I’m sure I’ll bang on about that one day, too. 

Now I’m not going to post the... DEEPLY WEIRD scene where Guts pulls her shirt off because she spilled her soup and then tries to kiss her. To me it’s an odd scene mostly because I’m an incredible klutz and routinely spill hot things on myself but ive never once felt the need to tear it off. 

But with regards to his actual action here... I think he was just taken away by the moment. I’m not willing to call it a sexual assault for the same reason I’m not willing to call Griffith and Casca in the wagon one - when she reacts badly he just stops. Of course the next time he has a sexual reaction to her is another story altogether. 

That said honestly even though I don’t consider it a sexual assault I do consider it incredibly callous and thoughtless after what she just went through. But that’s on brand for him?

BOY MEETS SWORD A TRUE ROMANCE

9. A monster?

I’ve seen Berserk referred to as Devilman fanfiction and it’s not totally true but I mean, it does have so many themes and elements in common with Devilman that the two get blurred a little along the lines. This concept of the hero who is more terrifying than the monsters he fights is one of my favorite aspects of both series. It does get lost a bit in the later parts of the story as he mellows out after he meets his new companions, but it’s never completely gone. 

10. And this whole sequence just broke my whole heart. Listen. 

It’s like when he thinks about what Griffith said as he's declaring war. or how he thinks about the campfire still burning in him. He cant let them go. They're all dead or turned into demons and he cant let it go. Just like he’s still trying to win Griffith’s regard on some level, he’s still trying to fight the Band of the Hawk’s battles. 

And he wasn’t even a member when they died. But that’s part of it, really - he can’t let it go in part because he left them and that’s why this happened -- that’s how he sees it whether or not it’s rational. 

As Godo does point out later, he can’t let himself feel the loss, so he just hides inside his anger. It almost sounds delusional, although he isn’t delusional at all, he’s just choosing to hold onto what he’s lost instead of dealing with his grief.

And it’s... so bad for him? Look at Rickert’s face as he’s talking - he can tell that in this moment, they’re losing Guts to his darkness. 

And that’s why, the next time Guts stops by the cave, Rickert thanks Puck for bringing him back from the edge. 

Welp... that’s it for the Golden Age arc. 

Honestly, the Golden Age isn’t my favorite arc in the series but I do think it’s probably the best, I guess, swathe of books? Like it’s a 10 volume story and I can’t think of any other 10 volumes in a row that is as consistently top notch. 

Still, ultimately my relationship with the GA is a bit different than a lot of people’s - and especially a lot different than most Griffith/Guts people I think, because to me the Golden Age, as beautiful as it was, has always only been a flashback. So it’s like backstory to the actual story. And my primary investment was always in what is happening on an ongoing basis rather than in the flashback.

But I do think it’s a fantastic story, and because it was so self-contained, Miura was able to plot it more tightly and meticulously than the rest of the series. It’s tough, for me anyway, to judge the writing of the GA and the rest of the series on the same scale, because they’re actually different types of stories - the GA is a film and the main timeline is a tv series. Or say, a Batman graphic novel or miniseries vs. the ongoing title. Obviously one is going to be more internally consistent and plot-tight because it’s a single piece instead of a serial that goes on for years. During those years, the writer themselves will change if nothing else.

Anyway, it kind of annoys me that I’m ending on 19 instead of 20, just because I’m annoying like that, so I may do like... a look at the lost chapter as part 20 or maybe toss up an analysis of where the characters are at the end of the Golden age, like a sumup. I don’t know. Or maybe I’ll just move on to Lost Children.

EITHER WAY I am theoretically taking a short break to reread Devilman before moving forward with more Berserk. But Devilman’s short so that’s not like a longtime project.... and also if I’m being honest right now i just want to read Lost Children so who knows what’s going to happen.

[kwop-kilawtley]

Hi!! <3 I barely use tumblr but I stumbled upon your blog while going thru the JxB tag and I just had to say this… Rereading Twilight as an adult is so… infuriating ? I first read the books when I was 14 and even tho I was team Edward back then I still loved Jake and I felt so weird about Bella becoming a vampire? Like, story-wise, it felt so empty and unfulfilling, even to my naive 14 yr old self. Now I’m 26 and I recently reread the books and I just can’t!!! believe!!! this!!! It reminds me so much of the way I romanticised my toxic relationships/friendships as a teen because they felt intense and crazy and they hurt so bad that it was almost good? Like that’s exactly what Bella was doing throughout the entire series and it breaks my heart that this girl never healed, never learned to love herself, and is forever mentally stuck at age 18 in her perfect little world where she got everything without any consequences. Growing older and healing from my trauma made me realise that life is the greatest gift and that I want nothing more than a happy, peaceful, sunshine type of love, the love Bella could’ve had with Jake. Rereading the JxB chapters in NM and Eclipse literally hurt because this kind of ease and warmth is all I’ve ever wanted but my trauma made me think I deserve drama and intensity and pain. It’s just so messed up I can’t believe how angry I am with this stupid teen story like!!! It had so much potential but oh well… Sorry for the rant but I feel like you’d understand what I mean. Hope you have a great day :>

EVERYTHING YOU SAID EXACTLYYYYYYY. Like I actually go INSANE because of the potential and how people don’t see it this way. I’ve been team Jacob since I’m 10 but would like go back and forth to team Switzerland. But now I’m fully team Jacob like I p much only was Switzerland bc of the nostalgia of the first book. I’ve been in abusive toxic relationships and it’s legit exactly like bxe. It may seem subtle and just bc he didn’t physically hurt her and was obsessed with her doesn’t mean it’s GOOD. It’s very very empty and sends out a horrible message to people I think. Like bella just chose the need for perfection. She didn’t fix anything it was a bandaid. JACOB WAS RIGHT THEREEEEE. And they have ACTUAL chemistry. Exb are trauma bonded. I talk about this all the time on here and it will always make me so angry but we are content in our team Jacob hive mind tbh <3 canon cannot hurt us

[cassynite]

Top Artistic/Creative Influences in My Life

Tagged by @randalltier for this new meme--I gotta admit it took me a second because I'd never really considered what pieces of media have influenced my own work. This was really cool to do tbh!! Though no one is allowed to make fun of me for the basic bitch answers included 😤

Modern Faerie Tales series (and its sequels/offshoots) by Holly Black: So this isn't super present in my fanfiction right now but in my original works I really like to engage with creatures or forces that are very inhuman in their thinking, where one of the struggles is understanding or working with forces that inherently have deeply different values and morality than our own. I won't say Holly Black does it best I've seen (or even, like...well) but the Modern Faerie Tales was the first time I really saw characters like that, where the faeries really felt like they were deeply inhuman and in some ways unknowable. It's also led to just a lifelong love of faeries in general that constantly shows up in my work lol.

Poetry by Eavan Boland: Easily my favorite poet, there's something about how Boland utilizes nature as an expression of emotion that really gets to me in particular--how water is grief in "Atlantis: A Sonnet" and "And Soul," how nature is indicative of healing in "How We Made a New Art on Old Ground." That's bled into my writing as well--a lot of my favorite bits of writing, where I really feel like I nailed trying to show character's emotions, comes from reflections in the environment and I draw a lot of it back to how her poetry has made me feel.

The Ones that Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula Le Guin: "Nothing is truly good that makes even one person suffer" is a really important theme to me and the story of Omelas is one that's stuck to me for ages. That theme shows up in some form or another in a lot of my stories--one that I published a long time ago is literally just a pastiche of the story--and its implications regarding colonialism and what makes a just society are pretty integral to core beliefs of mine in general!

The Gone World by Tom Sweterlitsch: I am a fan of time travel stories. But I became a fan of time travel as a double-edged sword, about the erasure of impact that it can have, about choice vs inevitability and what truly matters when things can literally be undone, because of this story. I've got a whole roster of OCs that fuck with time solely because of this and honestly it's a super well-written book beyond the time stuff, and honestly if you've played PWOTR and you like the implications of Aeon and the True Aeon end this is a really good read in general.

...Tolkien: Sorry for the basic bitch answer but. Yeah. Fantasy that has left behind a much brighter age and grieves it, things that are gone but not lost forever, the presentation of evil as seeming large and unstoppable but ultimately being so small and petty and miserable, and how the smallest of things (small people, small acts of kindness, small defiances in the face of the dark) can mean all the difference! It's really important to me! That message of hope and healing just matters a lot to me and a lot of my characters consciously feed into these arcs; like I really dislike making characters are stories with completely destructive scorched earth ends and I do think that comes from Tolkien.

Anyway!! I'm no pressure tagging @silversiren1101 @dujour13 and @dmagedgoods and anyone else who might be interested to talk about the things that have influenced or inspired their art!!

[strangertheories]

Tbh I get the feeling that El and Mike might die together in some way while fighting and then Will is left alone to 'fix' the stuff left behind and cure the UD or something.

There was a book series I liked that did a similar thing like this. The main character in the series is supposedly thought or 'prophesied' to be a hero who can fix things and defeat evil, everyone thinks it is her who can do that because she's the only one who can fight with her powers and is the strongest one. And she actually defeats the evil... although she just manages to defeat the evil with her power, she also dies bc she uses her powers so much, and her killing the evil doesn't solve the problem. Her lover also dies fighting an army of monsters elsewhere while trying to protect their town. So they 'die together'. At the end, one of their friends see their dead bodies and is devastated, but then realizes that he has the power to fix the world and actually put an end to the devastation and destruction, he is shown to have powers but was always regarded as a 'pacifist', but he realizes that he is the actual hero of the prophecy, and he uses his power to 'fix the world'. He fixes the destroyed world/town, he creates some sort of a 'heaven' for his friends, etc (he doesn't bring them from the death though).

Now I'm thinking, if something like that happened in ST's ending I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm not sure what book series you're talking about (sorry for being uncultured, someone lmk in the replies) but I kind of doubt Eleven would die for nothing. Mike? Yeah, he might. Mike dying would be quite big because the two central characters of ST5 (Will and Eleven) are very close to him romantically/platonically regardless of who he ends to with so it could be a motivation thing OR a moment where they think they've won only to see that Mike is dying (Six of Crows style).

I like the idea of Will secretly having powers and redeeming the Upside Down; it could serve as a great metaphor for him reclaiming his trauma and learning to love himself and the things he didn't like. Especially if you, like me, follow the theory that Will is the reason the Upside Down looks like Hawkins as it didn't when Vecna arrived. Will remained stuck in the past like the Upside Down but was able to accept the Upside Down and heal it.

Thanks for the ask!

[anarmorofwords]

Hiii! I love your opinions on TSC and I Hope you don't mind talking about CHOT!

I agree with you on everything. I felt barely nothing reading It. I also didn't get attached to the romances. The Thomastair scene where he says that Thomas is the reason he didn't become like Tatiana and "you keep me human, Tom" was sooo cringe to me. Way over the top and reduce both of the characters to their romance. I understand why people loved It, but I found unbeliaveble.

I read Chot more for Matthew, tbh. I was pleased that she didn't gave him the horrible ending the fandom expected and have him an arc of healing but I wish we saw more of his thoughs and his processo on his pov. And we had the scene where he tells his parents and James about the secret that was a huge part of his character on his pov too. Anyway, so many scenes about family, friendship and grieving that would add so much depht on the book weren't written to give space to (I'm Sorry) boring romance.

Also I wish we saw more of Grace and Jesse sibling relationship.

And I have SO MUCH criticism over Charles' arc and I wanted to know what you think about his character and his arn!

Thank you anyway!

*me running to hug you for this*

i feel so seen, thank youuuu

no like literally, everyone here should know I adore thomastair, and yet... all those romance declarations were so empty

like you said, that line meant nothing to me. it was also kinda out of blue? if he said the same thing to Cordelia, I might have bought it, but to Thomas? Alastair began his change arc way before he and Tom got close, and there were so many other things he could have said. It genuinely felt like something out of a "random cheesy line" generator (and yeah, there's many other things that helped "keep him human" - like his family yikes)

same about Matthew! i was waiting for his pov for all of this series and I'm once again disappointed. maybe she just didn't know how to write addiction from the struggling person's pov, but then again, why did she choose that plotline to begin with? also she will be writing a ss collection about him, so that seems an unlikely reason. probably just, as you said, there were more important things to focus on (like prolonging the bracelet secret for eternity yay )

and when both his revealings of the secret were skipped over? are you kidding me?!

it's just one of many pov decisions I cannot fathom, alongside - no Anna pov of/after Kit's death, no Gabrily pov of their son's death/aftermath of it, no Carstairs meeting their sibling, Ari coming out etc. etc.

i actually think Charles was given the "no child of our previous mains can be an evil person" treatment and some last minute flat redemption arc and I don't buy it. he lacked nuance. i would have liked to see him conflicted, see him torn between some deeply hidden love and sentiment for his loved ones and his cutting ambition and years of being among a rather ruthless crowd. if we're sweeping up all of his being a shitty person under a rug because of the blackmail, it becomes ridiculous. all of the previous books plot becomes ridiculous after this mess of a hastily thrown together resolutions smh.

speaking of Charles - I do think the whole blackmail plotline was a quick and easy way to get both him and the inquisitor out of the way, and you have no idea how anti-climatic it felt. the whole political conflict was just like... oh yeah btw the inquisitor problem and all the prejudice is gone cause he blackmailed someone all good now 🥰

(can we just agree that this whole book was anti-climatic? whenever something was about to happen it just got puff!!!! and then we were reading about the aftermath of it )

(yes to Grace and Jesse!!! I actually think Grace was one of the best parts of ChoT to me)

[scattered-winter]

respectfully requesting newt from maze runner for the character meme !!

bro you've Awakened Something in me it's been far too long since I've talked about my boy my babygirl my blorbo

favorite thing about him

his selflessness!!! throughout all the events of the series (both the books AND the movies) he's consistently putting everyone else's needs before his own. he was one of the leaders of the Glade, which meant he worked day and night to keep the order and safety there. and outside the Glade, he pulled his own weight and even put himself in danger to protect the others on several occasions (saving Minho from the lightning storm is what immediately comes to mind but I know there's a lot more). and even in the death cure, when the flare is taking over and he can feel himself changing, he still stays focused and doesn't let that distract him or anyone else from the end goal. to me it's just....heartbreaking, really. he suffered in silence because he didn't want his friends to grieve him while he was still standing there, and so he had to deal with slowly losing his mind by himself

least favorite thing about him

his SELFLESSNESS

listen I can love and hate the same thing about a guy

the fact that he was so focused on the group's survival just added so much more angst to the story and it causes me PAINNNN. like!! in the movies specifically, they were SO CLOSE to giving him the cure!!!!!!!!! they were so achingly close!!!!!!!! but he'd been fighting the virus for so long and it finally took over and he died only moments before the cure arrived. I'm fukcijgn

favorite line

"great, we're all bloody inspired"

brOTP

Minho and Newt are BESTIES ok. they're besties. I cry about them every day. they're besties

same with Alby and Newt they were! leaders together! and neither of them made it out! I'm unwell!

actually on that same note. I think Minho was the oldest Glader to have made it out alive. all his friends and mentors who came before him are dead. I'm so fucking emo right now

honestly I love all of Newt's canon friendships! his friendship with Thomas is GREAT his friendship with the other Gladers is GREAT

nOTP

meh nothing really....strikes me as a nOTP tbh. in fact I don't really actively ship anyone in this series! usually when I hard-core ship something, it's because I felt unsatisfied with the media/felt like it's an interesting dynamic to be explored. I was fairly satisfied with the series as a whole and I felt like the overall point of them was complete without romance, and to add a lot of romance (excluding the thomas/teresa thomas/brenda stuff that was already there) would have just....blocked out the horror and morally gray themes, ya know? so idk I don't really have strong feelings about any romantic pairings in this specific piece of media

in fact, I saw someone point out that it would've been a stronger and more potent narrative if Thomas and Teresa were SIBLINGS instead of romantic partners and tbh that hasn't left my brain because they're RIGHT. it would've been soooo compelling ughh I'm going insane just thinking about the parallels here

OTP

all that being said, it's kinda fun to play with the narratives a bit :] most of the fic I intend to write in this fandom is friendship/family based, because of my feelings as stated above, but I'm not immune to the newtmas or minewt here <3 there's just something about two best friends who have been through hell and worse together getting to kiss <3

random headcanon

Newt actually left notes for EVERYONE, not just Thomas. he even left one with Thomas intended for Teresa, despite everything she'd done, but ofc she never got the chance to read it so Thomas just kept it in a pocket by his heart. and maybe one day, years later, after he finally found some semblance of peace and healing, he burned it to ash to finally say goodbye to them both

unpopular opinion

listen I love Newt but the fandom has a tendency to shove Minho aside to make room for him (especially hardcore newtmas shippers) which is... :/ let's all examine why that might be !

song I associate with him

Doom Days by Bastille. warning: you will cry.

favorite picture of him

hair floof <3 he's so blorbo shaped here idk

send me a character!

[loveandscience]

1, 2, 7, and 9 for the ask game?

Thanks so much, this is fun! :-D 1. What is your most popular fic? Weirdly enough, the most popular one in terms of 'hits' (9051) on Ao3 is one of the very few I never finished. It's this Mycroft/Lestrade fic from when I was into Sherlock, called "And Goodnight to the British Government Whispering Hush." I started it when my kid was a baby and so at the time I was really into babies (babies like, have to be the greatest thing ever, when you're taking care of one. It's the only way to escape that period of life without losing your mind lol). But then I ended up really disliking Benedict Cumberbatch with some of the crap he was saying, and it just ruined the series for me. In the TF fandom, it's "Cause and Effect." which is one I'm actually proud of. Soundwave dealing with grief and crisis of conscience was really personally meaningful to me to write and marked a point where I actively began to use writing on purpose as a way to process my own 'stuff.' 2. What fanfic do you wish you got more response on? Hm, "My Mind is No Longer Mine" got to me in a big way, because I got to write out the recovery and therapy processes for Shockwave. I loved taking someone so on-paper irredeemable and having him suddenly have to deal with having emotions again, and what that could do to someone. I liked exploring the idea that not only can people be traumatized by what's done to them and what they've seen, but also by the things they've done, and how someone could possibly recover from something so difficult. The biggest thing with this fic was that like, while I objectively never did anything so awful, when my depression was at its strongest (a long long time ago) I did hate myself AS IF I had done that kind of horrible stuff. It was very irrational, of course, but there's something healing in seeing meaning being made after coming out of that even if in real life I'd not be having the same reaction as I did for Shockwave in writing this fic. It's not that this fic didn't get a 'good enough' response or anything, I just have such a love for it that I want more excuses to talk about it with more people. There's so much to say about it. Plus, I want more Shockwave/Cosmos shippers, I am literally carrying that entire tag on Ao3, lol! Last thing before I force myself to stop writing about this fic: it was really great to write how a toxic romantic relationship can become healthy through therapy. I enjoy working with couples as a therapist and don't get to do it enough. It was fun to draw from some really old tendencies I had like back in high school for Cosmos and Shockwave, and amplify those to create their mess of a relationship, and then to work through it. 7. What’s a trope you love to write? I'm a huge sucker for characters that are basically breaking down or broken down, and then the other one comes in and gives them so much love and tenderness (romantic or not, tbh) that they realize they deserve to heal. 9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written? One from "Cause and Effect" that I go back to read time and time again:

Soundwave’s cables lashed out, smashing against test tubes and the deactivated computer, thrashing about the room. Fury raged in his spark and the destruction wasn’t enough, no, it just took the edge off. Shattered glass flurried across the room, slashing him as he continued to rip apart everything, a tornado of grief and shame and pain.

When his cables had nothing left to hit as they whipped around, and he couldn’t tell what pieces went where anymore, Soundwave sank to the floor. Exhausted. His spark that had felt like it was spinning wildly finally seemed to slow, and he stared at the ground in front of him.

Hours seemed to pass, but then again, he didn’t have the energy to check his chronometer. His helm whipped around at the sound of pedesteps crunching over glass and metal bits, to see First Aid walking toward him with nothing but worry in his optics. Not even judgment, which he deserved.

First Aid kneeled down beside him and drew him into a tight hug that Soundwave didn’t want to let go of. How had First Aid found him?

“You sent me your frequency,” First Aid said softly, answering the question he hadn’t asked yet. “That means you wanted me to find you.”

What? When had he done that? He realized he was clutching the doctor like he was desperate, and maybe he was. He noticed his frame was slightly shaking.

First Aid pulled back and Soundwave let him, wondering if he would finally understand the severity of what Soundwave had done. But he was still holding on to him as he inspected the parts of Soundwave leaking energon, the dozens of small cuts and embedded shards of glass. “ Can you come with me so I can clean you up?” he asked, and Soundwave didn’t think he had the strength to decline anything First Aid asked of him right now. He let himself be led into an adjacent room, where First Aid patted a counter for Soundwave to sit on.

As Soundwave sat, too tired to even wince when First Aid dislodged bits of glass from all along his cables, he decided that the doctor deserved some kind of explanation. So he detailed his culpability, his guilt and shame, without giving away what the mini-cons were. He told him about his failure and not being good enough, and that he would understand if First Aid didn’t want to be around him anymore, knowing these things about him.

First Aid read the messages quietly as he worked, until Soundwave had finished. He set aside the latest shard of glass to reach up to Soundwave’s visor and take it off, carefully placing it on the counter. First Aid rest his servos on either side of Soundwave’s face, and placed their helms gently together. “This, what happened to those mini-cons, was not your fault,” he said seriously. “It just wasn’t. If you had known about them, you would have stopped it, you said so yourself. This was deliberately hidden from you precisely because of that fact. Maybe you could have pretended to be more unethical—what would that have cost? You would have had to allow other things slide to have learned about this, and who knows what that would have led to? Yes, there were other things you ignored because you thought that was for the greater good, but you always had good in mind. Look, I also know you did some bad things in the war, but this? This was not one of them. And I don’t for one nanoklik think you deserve any of the shame or guilt you’re putting on yourself.”

First Aid gave a sharp, short intake as Soundwave’s servos landed on either side of his faceplate and Soundwave started to lean his lips closer. First Aid pulled his helm away. This wasn’t the right time, not when Soundwave was hurting and not thinking clearly. He couldn’t tell if Soundwave was disappointed or relieved, but they each dropped their hands and First Aid stepped back to continue removing bits of glass. But maybe a part of him, despite the situation, was a little bit thrilled at the idea that one day, if Soundwave still wanted to, they might possibly kiss.

[away-ward]

Hey, a genuine question. Why do you guys think michael and kai didnt care for emory? Because we saw them being protective of alex but not emory? I feel like both of them did care a lot for emory though, otherwise, they wouldnt have taken the jail sentence for beating up her brother (especially when that record stays in paper), and they wouldve treated her like any other side-hoes in this series. i feel like they just didnt know how exactly to approach emmy by the end of nightfall after all that revelation, orgies, marriage etc., because shes been gone away from thunder bay and them longer than she had been in their lives, so to treat someone who did not only had jailed them (even for valid reasons), but was never their friend like alex, or to show emmy even more intimacy than alex who had supported them through so many things, is a bit much, no?

Changes will take a while for michael, kai and emmy, unfortunately, but i dont think it's not understandable, given the context of the situation. + Alex's rika's bff, and theyve all been having orgies here and there. Banks kinda like alex too, so that means kai kinda likes her. Tbh, I wished pd had obliterated everything that is alex-related in this series, but i can see why kai and michael were closer to alex than they were to emory, even if i hated her whole arc in this series, especially in conclave in nightfall. Thank god we didnt see her as much in firenight.

Other than that, I think even emory admitted that alex was more of a friend to will and the horsemen than she ever was because she kept on rejecting them (in a way?) and their way of having fun. This was emmys one of many roots of jealousy but its not like anyone's stopping her from going back to thunder bay and confessed to them earlier and try to reconnect with those guys? Whats stopping her? And she admitted it took her long to admit to want to be part of that too because of legit and valid reasons. Just as much as will never reached out to emmy, she never did either. We understood that she was going through a lot, but hey, the world doesnt stop the horsemen from having other friends or hookups, just because emory was not part of it, no? Idk. I hate alex's everything in this series, but i dont think her presence in the ending was unreasonable or out of place.

My unwarranted and honest thoughts about willemmy and nightfall in general though:

Tbh, emmy was better than me, because if i was her, i wouldve gone back to san fransisco, love and heal myself, then find some other men to date around with. No way in hell am i going back to will grayson, but again thats just me. I just cannot ever imagine being in her place and kept on being reminded of how much this man who "loves me, reaches out to me" kept on hooking up with everybody, and even their past hookups moans his name in front of me and the. talks about her bed not being cold anymore (insinuating that will nd alex hookup right after) and her escapade with my man in the pool in front of everybody, and then still emmy goes "oh yea, i'll still be with will". Not to mention emmy was kidnapped because aydin was jealous of fucking will? And he took her on dates here and there? Even had scenes of them bonding but not his bonding with emmy? What the fuck? Emmy was so better than me because if i was in that train, i wouldve slap alex and will to death, idc. Alex doesnt deserve emmy as her friend, and will doesnt deserve emmy as his lover.

Emory Scott deserves better. Emory did not girlboss her way out of her abusive relationship with her brother and that horrible town only for her to end up with useless will grayson. I guess, if thats what she wants, good for her, but as her supporter, god, i wished she chose a different life for herself. Sorry, i love emory scott, but i'll never agree with her love for and her choosing of will grayson, because he is soooo nothing!? 😭 idk, im just a will grayson hater ok, he is the blandest character i've ever get to read, right after michael crist, and winter ashby, because the first one got to be michael and kai. Rika and dmaon were annoying as fuck, but at least they were doing their annoying shit everywhere, I feel like the most top two star review of nightfall on amazon by a user called nia (you can check it out through the app or the website on the amazon page), exactly describe why will was so fucking unlikeable and undesirable in nightfall for me. By the end of the series, i was so done with him and everyone, especially rika, michael, damon and alex in that order, that i just felt like i never want to see these characters anywhere or any books by pd ever again. This series was such an unnecessarily exhausting read!!! And It wasnt the good kind of exhaustion. The MMC, Will, was dissapointing, idk if this was discussed here before, but he was so similar with corrupt michael, i just had to stop several times while reading from wanting this book because of this tupod michael-will cross over. I hate them 😭 but thats the thing, i hate damon even more, idkkkkkkkk 😭 my hate list of this series in this order (putting aside other characters thats not main): Martin, Damon, Michael, Will, Alex, Aydin.

What about you, do you have a hate list too?

Hey. I assume this is a response to this post by @pro-logue-epi-logue. .

I will say that I don’t always 100% agree with everything I reblog from other people. Sometimes if I agree with a certain part or just want to show support. In this case, I shared the same sentiment that the Chosen/Found Family aspect of the story could have been better.

If you want to know what @pro-logue-epi-logue meant when they wrote that post, you'll have to ask them. But I can talk about my opinion.

Edit: one thing I did forget to say that I wanted to mention is that there isn't anything in my response is fact or canon. I think, like most of us, that what's being discussed is all interpretations of canon events and the characters. I'm also not trying to persuade anyone to my opinions, as I don't think even I can, or ever have in the past.

Anyway, carry on.

Why do you guys think michael and kai didnt care for emory?

I can’t speak about anyone else’s reasoning, but for me, it’s not that I don’t think that Michael and Kai dislike Emory. What I wanted was for stronger evidence of their bond, since we’re supposed to believe that they are to become a family unit. After they get off the train, though, we only see Michael interact with Emory once. Farther, in Fire Night, I felt that Kai’s interaction with Emory was… chilly, especially when compared with the much warmer interaction that immediately followed between Kai and Winter. This is just my opinion, however, and I’ve spoken with other fans who have felt differently.

I don’t believe that Michael and Kai dislike Emory. I just don’t have enough information to understand their friendships or bonds, which is lousy since I really want to. I think Michael and Kai are both supposed to love Emory. We just don’t get the opportunity to see it.

Because we saw them being protective of alex but not emory?

It has nothing to do with how they treated Alex over Emory. My opinions about the bond Emory would share with any in the group are completely separate from Alex.

otherwise, they wouldnt have taken the jail sentence for beating up her brother (especially when that record stays in paper), and they wouldve treated her like any other side-hoes in this series.

I completely disagree with this idea because I don’t think it had anything to do with Emory. They are loyal to Will.

If Damon wanted to do something for Emory, he had all the proof and opportunity to do so. He didn’t. He was only there because Will wanted to be.

Kai wasn’t completely on-board until he saw Martin preying on an underage girl. After that, it became enough for him to make a move. He made the connection to Emory, but Emory wasn’t his motivation, either. Will was.

Neither of them would have been there if it wasn’t Will who suggested it. And Will wasn’t there for Emory either. He was there for himself, because he was angry. If he were thinking solely about Emory, he wouldn’t have put her at risk by targeting her abuser, who still had access to her through her grandmother.

Now, I don’t expect 19-year-old Will to be thinking all those steps ahead, but I also don’t believe his attacking Martin was for Emory. It was for him. And he suffered the consequences of it.

My opinion is that, in high school, Kai and Michael were mostly indifferent to Emory. They liked her well enough, because Will liked her, but other than that, she wasn’t on their radar. Damon disliked Emory because Will liked her so much. He understood her better when he saw the bruises, but that didn’t change his thinking that Emory was a potential threat to Will’s happiness.

i feel like they just didnt know how exactly to approach emmy by the end of nightfall after all that revelation, orgies, marriage etc., because shes been gone away from thunder bay and them longer than she had been in their lives

It's fine if, at the end of the events in Nightfall, they’re all still getting to know each other. Emory was difficult to know before she left. My problem is that Nightfall has an epilogue that's set 10 years after those events, as does Fire Night, and I still have no idea how Michael and Emory talk to each other, forget how they care for each other. And I have no other scene of Kai and Emory after the one of the train other than the one in Fire Night to get an idea of how they interact.

The problem lies with me. I had expectations of what a Chosen Family would look like and I found the ending to be lacking for a lot of the characters, but especially for Emory.

so to treat someone who did not only had jailed them (even for valid reasons), but was never their friend like alex, or to show emmy even more intimacy than alex who had supported them through so many things, is a bit much, no?

Again, I disagree that Emory was the one who put them in prison, and that might be the reason I struggle so much to like Kai and Michael after that.

They have every right to be mad. I just wish they had directed their anger to a more reasonable target, like Martin.

I’m still not sure how anyone could hear Emory’s story about how she dropped everything she had in San Francisco to fly back to Thunder Bay overnight in an attempt to vindicate Will, only to be physically beaten and threatened with her grandmother’s death, unless she lies on a piece of paper, and think, “She’s the monster here.”

To me, any reasonable person would immediately hate Martin and let Emory off the hook. She clearly suffered enough already.

So yeah, I didn’t agree with their response to Emory, but I understood their anger. My opinion is that it was misdirected, and that's my problem. Even if they were to direct their anger towards Martin, it still doesn't mean they had to like Emory.

I didn’t want them to treat her like of their own. Those bonds take time, and she hadn’t made any kind of dedication to Will at that point, but a little bit of reasonableness and understanding would have been nice. I can’t believe we have to look to Damon in that scene to find it.

Alex's rika's bff, and theyve all been having orgies here and there. Banks kinda like alex too, so that means kai kinda likes her. but i can see why kai and michael were closer to alex than they were to emory,

There’s no denying that Alex had earned her place in that crew. She’d bent over backwards to answer their needs for years before Nightfall. I’ve never believed Emory needed to replace Alex in their eyes. For me, it was never about Michael and Kai or any of the others immediately loving Emory to the same degree that they cared for Alex. That would have been just as weird to me, for the same reasons you mentioned. They don’t know her; they don’t have a reason to trust her. Not yet.

10 years later should be a different story, however.

This was emmys one of many roots of jealousy but its not like anyone's stopping her from going back to thunder bay and confessed to them earlier and try to reconnect with those guys? Whats stopping her?

Martin.

Her pride

The fact that she thinks Will is going to hate her and want revenge, and she still has her grandmother to care for. Remember, her grandmother only died 6 months before the events of Nightfall. That’s nine years she’s been caring for her every single day. She didn’t have the time to deal with Will.

She’s scared to face him.

the world doesnt stop the horsemen from having other friends or hookups, just because emory was not part of it, no? Idk. I hate alex's everything in this series, but i dont think her presence in the ending was unreasonable or out of place.

I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding where I and Alex am concerned. See, I don’t dislike Alex because of the actions she takes in the books. I don’t mind messy characters who do things that I would never in a million years do. Sometimes, those characters are even more interesting because their story can be exciting.

For me, Alex is a boring, underdeveloped, inconsistent character. I really don’t care that the Horsemen value her. They absolutely should if we’re only looking at what she did for them.

I don’t care that she and Will had a sexual relationship, or friends with benefits, or that they had a close friendship bond. That part makes the most sense to me.

She’s just boring to read about, and that’s mostly why I pick on the things she does. Alex’s role could have been really impact in the end, without changing anything that came before Nightfall, if she’d been used differently. As a reader, you don’t have to like a character to see their purpose. I just felt she was misused in this instance.

I have nothing much to add to your last few paragraphs. I feel that I’ve defended Will Grayson and his relationship with Emory, Alex, and the others so many times before that I would just be repeating myself.

Bottom line, you don’t have to like Will or any of the characters in this series. They’re not all that great. For me, I had a fun time reading, I loved the overall vibe, and I enjoy the way the characters are in my head.

I just wish we got a better understanding of the Family over… whatever it is that we got in the end. Why do they even have enemies? All they’re supposedly doing is running their little corner of the world. And if we’re to believe Rika, “they’re not really criminals.” If that’s the case, then what are you doing??? And why do you have a secret society dungeon? And why does Banks never have a reason to talk to Michael after 10 years? What kind of "family" is this?

I need answers!!

Sorry, forgot to address your second question

I don't really have like a hate list. I mean, of course I don't like Martin or Gabriel, but I liked them as villains. They were decently written characters. And that's the way I like to judge whether it's a "good" character. If you were meant to hate them and you do, that's a well written character. If you were meant to love them and you don't, it's good to look at why.

And I'd never want to meet any of these characters in real life.

I guess I'd have to rate them based on the enjoyment I get from reading them, so to reverse that would be...

Winter, because I find her bland.

Alex, because her character annoys me.

Kai and Michael are currently tied, but I think it's because I was so disappointed in Kai that it hurts more to read from him whereas I don't really care for Michael.

Rika...

I think that's it. I could tolerate or found something interesting about the rest.

-KO