hydrobunny · 13 days ago
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i remember it all too well
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tags: angst, post breakup, flashbacks, journalist reader, angst angst angst, it's all too well come on now
a/n: happy belated birthday sae itoshi
your world pauses the day sae itoshi is spotted with a new girlfriend.
the photos are blurry, paparazzi shots taken from at least one building over. it doesn't matter. you would know the curve of his arm around a waist in a thousand different lives.
you have to admit she fits him. even as your hands shake, you can't deny that they look happy- something the two of you weren’t so good at.
it doesn’t stop you from harboring too-many amounts of memories all the same.
you met him before he had joined the world of the superstars, but after he had already been something greater. (you think that if you had met him before everything, you two would’ve fared better.)
by the time you two had locked eyes, he was already changed. something inside of him had shifted, turning away from everyday life and facing immortal legacies instead. you had falsely believed you held a place in it.
you should’ve known better, right from the very first words he spoke to you.
“you’re not supposed to be here.”
you pause, looking up from your phone to face the voice.
cold eyes glare down at you, beautiful in color. the boy - because he can only be around your age, barely leaving the teenage years at most - they belong to is just as annoyingly beautiful. you think you should recognize him.
“excuse me?” you ask, offense rising. “i know where i’m supposed to be.”
his eyes only narrow. “is this another shitty tactic? i said i was done with interviews.”
“good for you, dude.” you roll your eyes, pushing past his shoulder. “why anyone would ever want to interview you, i have no idea.”
as you leave, you can feel his gaze on your back.
you blink, shaking yourself out of whatever that was. it's not good to linger on the past. (your therapist had told you that.)
still, she has also told you that one couldn't grow without recognizing what exactly they had to grow from.
perhaps that's why you find yourself rummaging in your bedside drawer for a deeply buried box, the ends of your fingers numb.
when you open it, you’re met with nothing but a handful of flimsy keepsakes. from fraying bracelets to notes to polaroids. all of them are snapshots of a relationship no longer yours, artifacts of what used to be your heart.
in each flashback, sae itoshi lingers.
the next time you met him, you had learned that he was supposedly a household name. (never in your household, though.)
the great hope of japan’s future -despite what he himself had to say about the country.
you’re a little embarrassed by what happened. still, you refuse to take all the blame.
“sae itoshi,” you blurt out. “you’re here.”
those stunning eyes flicker to you, and he actually pauses. recognition actually stops him.
“you’re the one who was lost,” he says, mildly. “not pretending to not know me this time?
you flush. “in my defense, i didn’t know you. i don't do the sports section.”
he raises an eyebrow. “then why am i still seeing you?”
before you can respond, your boss comes rushing through the hallway, sweat beading on his brow.
“itoshi-san!” he blusters, barely sparing you a glance. “we’re so glad you’re here! is the intern bothering you? your interview is in the next room over, so if you just want to follow me- we're so grateful you decided to give us your exclusive.”
something twitches on sae’s face. “intern?”
offense rears its head in your chest. “what-”
“i’ve changed my mind,” sae interrupts mildly. he turns to you, taking hold of one of the many pens lying on your desk.
ask you and your boss watch in bewilderment, he leans down and scrawls something on your notepad.
“she’ll get the exclusive,” he says, straightening back up. “when she isn't an intern anymore.”
and he turns and walks out of the building, leaving nothing but a string of numbers on a sticky note.
the same sticky note rips between your fingers. once you start, you can't stop yourself, until all you're left with is a pile of bright yellow scraps.
you move onto the next item. a wiry black wristband; one half of a forever missing set.
you had been dating sae itoshi for exactly one month. all of your friends still thought it was as some long-standing elaborate joke. at certain times, you couldn't believe it yourself either.
despite it all, despite every little memory you can pore over for hours at a time, you can’t pinpoint the exact moment when things changed.
it’s a strange truth, one you’ve struggled to come to terms with- but it's a truth. if someone were to ask you when your relationship with sae soured, you wouldn't be able to say.
perhaps it wasn't a singular moment. maybe it was a long time in the making, like how a banana slowly browns- until one day, it’s rotted.
either way, one form of heartbreak or another, the truth was this:
you and sae itoshi had ended.
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am-i-the-asshole-official · 6 months ago
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Aita for secretly following my then best friend home?
(tw alcohol abuse, probably suicidal tendencies)
I know this sounds really awful right away but bear with me. Also this is probably going to get long, sorry in advance
tl;dr I followed a guy i was friends with and had a crush on home after an argument, even after he asked me not to come to his house, bc i was worried he might hurt himself.
Last summer I (20f) moved to the US for college. I didn’t know anyone outside of college and overall I was mostly on my own which was getting a bit lonely tbh. So I was very glad when I met this guy (21m) at a party of one of my acquaintances. We got along right away and he ended up giving me his number. After that we continued talking regularly and also meeting up every now and then and overall it was a lot of fun.
At some point I started developing feelings for him but prepared myself to just wait it out and not tell him bc I knew that he liked having a very active sex life and felt like he probably wouldn’t be interested in something serious at that time.
After a few months however, he began to behave in some ways that made me pretty worried honestly. I had known that he liked to go out and party but I hadn’t known to what extent. Apparently he would get totally blackout drunk at least once a week, sometimes more than that and then he would text me or call me in the middle of the night but often I genuinely couldn’t understand what he was saying. Sometimes he would just call me like that at any time of day, crying, saying that I was his only real friend, the only person he felt safe talking to and so on. On the one hand I knew that that wasn’t healthy behaviour at all but on the other hand my crush on him kept getting worse bc who doesn’t like to feel needed.
On other occasions, he would just randomly do reckless and stupid things like one time we went to a museum and he started arguing with the guard over not being able to take any pictures and we almost got kicked out. Afterwards he laughed it off but honestly it made me feel pretty uneasy. (I didn’t tell any of my other friends about that btw, they only knew that I was seeing this guy but wasn’t dating him.)
He has told me some things about his childhood which I don’t want to share here bc he did tell me that confidentially and although this is anonymous I still don’t feel comfortable telling random people on tumblr about it. But it is severe enough for me to believe that his upbringing and the things he lived through definitely contributed to the issues that he has now. I can say that he didn’t have a great time at home bc he is bi and while homosexuality isn’t illegal in his country, it isn’t really accepted either. Also it’s generally expected that children, especially boys, dedicate their entire life to having a successful and lucrative career and then start a family and he wasn’t really in the right place to do either of that (and he didn’t want to).
He also has been facing a lot of problems and racism here bc he is a poc immigrant from a country that isn’t in good standing with the US. So while I don’t pretend I know what he’s feeling, I imagine that all of these things would affect him quite a lot.
Now I actually get to the incident that is the reason for me to send this (it rly did get long TT but I want to make everything as clear as possible).
A few weeks ago we were just hanging out, it was all pretty chill and we just sat down to eat and talk etc. It had been quite a difficult week for me, also college wise, and I felt like I really had to talk to him about him calling me at night and while I’m in class and all that. So I said as nicely as I could smth like “I don’t want to seem overbearing but have you ever thought about maybe seeing a therapist bc I don’t think what you do is healthy in the long run and I’m not a professional who can properly help you.” He immediately got really snappy and defensive, saying that he “couldn’t fucking afford a therapist and even if I could, all they do is squeeze the money out of you and they don’t give a fuck about your feelings.” I was pretty shocked tbh and responded by saying “well if you really think this badly about therapists you should clearly see one” which was probably too harsh of me but I just couldn’t help myself at that moment. He then said “oh yeah?? I’d rather die than tell any of my shit to a total stranger. But you’ve probably already told yours bc you’re all so fucking dependant on them anyway.” and then he stormed off. (Just to be clear, I don’t have a therapist bc I don’t have any issues that require one.)
I was really scared at that point bc I thought that he might do something to himself (he had said stuff like “I wish I just wasn’t here sometimes” before) so I started following him which I now think was extremely weird and creepy of me but I just didn’t think it through in that situation. He walked for about 10 minutes to a house which I assumed was where he lived (I had never been at his place before bc he always said he lived in a bad neighborhood and didn’t want me to come there) and I stood outside for like another 10 minutes thinking abt what to do bc I realized that this had been totally stupid, also it started to get dark and it really was a bad neighborhood. I ended i up calling him and telling him where I was and he let me in. He was pretty angry but mostly at the fact that I had put myself in such a dangerous situation and he let me spend the night at his place.
We actually got together not long after that and as of now, we’re dating. I know it’s not an ideal situation and probably not the most healthy one but I have been able to keep him from drinking himself into oblivion all the time bc we spend most evenings together now so I think that’s a good thing. I don’t know where things will go from here and I don’t have the illusion that i can “fix him” or anything but so far it’s been pretty good and I really do love him a lot so I just hope it will all turn out for the best. I just still feel guilty for lowkey (or actually highkey) stalking him when he explicitly asked me not to come to his house but it was out of genuine worry for him so idk if it makes me an asshole, I guess I’ll let tumblr decide that for me.
🌃🎀🍨 for finding later
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nikki-is-a-nerd · 11 months ago
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Karma is my Boyfriend
Synopsis:
You may not have any plans on exacting revenge to those who've wronged you, but when karma hits them it's no mystical thing, It's just your boyfriend who remembers everything.
Note: NO CURSE AU, Gojo x AFAB!reader, Freelancer!Gojo x College student! Reader
___________________________________
College isn't as easy going as your parents told you, neither was it your most memorable time. It was school, and like all things it had its ups and downs. For a person studying Clinical Psychology, you found that learning to read people and constantly being surrounded by them, wasn't a good mix. Yes, you have bullies, though you are annoyed by their actions your rational mind knows that the only reason they pick on you is because they either feel powerless towards the adult figures in their life or they point out your flaws that they too see in themselves in hopes of transferring their insecurities. Pitiful actions really. Satoru believed you were a saint because of it. How could you, an angel (in his very humble and true opinion, as he once so kindly exclaimed) be so understanding to the slimy, filth of the earth kind of people. Good question.
"Look at her, how can her boyfriend stand to look at her face all day? She looks like a corpse reanimated." A voice cackled.
"I'm surprised you even know what that word means. Let me guess, it was the word for the day?" You said off handedly.
Her friends or posse, glared at you. Like you cared. They snickered to themselves as you suddenly felt a warm liquid cascade down your body.
"Oops, now you look exactly like you should." Their leader laughs, a shrill sound really.
You didn't really care but this was a very expensive sweater that Satoru bought you with his first paycheck for one of his gigs. You sighed, sure he would say something along the lines of 'its alright, I can buy you fifteen more of those' or 'that sweater was so last season, now I can buy you something new' but this was your favorite. You wordlessly took off your now ruined sweater and walked away. A ruined sweater wasn't worth getting called to the dean's office.
Now Satoru was a lot of things, model, gamer, streamer, dance choreographer, substitute teacher for a high school (you don't really get how he keeps getting that), and in his words your loving rich boyfriend. But what you didn't know is that he's petty and vengeful to a fault. He believes that if you wouldn't do it, might as well he does because you are too empathetic for your own good (thank God you were studying to be a therapist). Now you may not tell Satoru about the bullies but Suguru does. You didn't know that Suguru was in the same university taking his Master's degree in business, and coincidentally just taking a video of the entire exchange to send to your lovely boyfriend. Yes, weird but in Satoru's defense his friends like you more than they like him (he's not entirely wrong).
Satoru received a message from Suguru, minutes after you walked away from your bullies. This day was his Streaming day, so mid stream his fans would say that it was the first time they've seen him frown. He kindly apologized to his fans and ended the stream early that day. He knew you weren't one to complain, or to tell him what happened. So he wordlessly shops online to get you a better and cheap (in his opinion cheap means something your bullies can't afford even if they used their daddies black card) sweater that you were sure to love.
"Toru I'm home." he hears your voice call out.
He smooths out his features, and smiles when he sees you enter your shared room. He also takes note that you probably used the university shower since you're wearing a different blouse and cardigan (both bought by him on your twenty-first birthday).
"Sweetie! Your home!" He lunges at you, long limbs and all.
"Toru, you're heavy and tall!" You whined.
"You left me all alone here in our home and when I show you how much I miss you, you complain." He sulks in a corner, making you laugh lightly.
"Not what I meant and I had to go to school." You reasoned.
"Take me with you." He whined even more, somehow reminding you of a kicked puppy.
"Tried that and do you remember what happened?" You asked.
"Not really, I just knew that I was ripped away from my darling baby!" He exclaimed as he walked towards the bed and flopped on it.
You shook your head as you opted to cuddle close to your boyfriend. You were exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. Satoru was more than happy to provide you comfort. As you slept, he checked out the people in the video that Suguru sent him. He remembers their faces, their leader, he remembers is also a model for the same brand he models with. She would brag about getting the job because of her father. He was close friends with the brand owner, after all she was his senior.
"Mei-mei, remember that one really annoying model of yours?" He messaged.
"Yeah, what about her?" She replied.
"Can you just terminate her contract and fire her?" He asked.
"Sure. I'd let Utahime deal with the rest. Plus she barely does shit. I didn't even hire her, I specifically said no, and her god father who works in the stupid casting still got her. Fired him too. But why do you want her gone?" She texted back.
"Bullied my girlfriend." Was all he replied. Mei-mei only sent him a thumbs up. Next were her friends, which was way easier. They were rich kids, just staying in the school because their parents were paying for them to be there, even with all the violations they had. Did it help that he was from a distinguished family and that Suguru was willing to play a part as well? Yes. Suguru's family and his family all petitioned for all four of your bullies to be expelled from the University and any of its sister schools, they complained that scandals like these were not worth protecting.
When you went to uni next week, you were surprised to see all four of your bullies having their things and themselves removed from the premises. You eyed them curiously and went about your day. You thought that maybe they were found doing something they shouldn't but they were rich, don't rich people buy their way out of their problems? Nonetheless you were kind of glad.
When you returned home, you found Satoru cooking in the kitchen. He's been proud of his skill as well after he took some classes since he felt bad having to make you cook dinner after your uni and your part time job.
"Welcome back? How was your day?" Satoru asked.
"Work was fine, the cafe was packed today. School was also fine. Saw some people get escorted out of uni." You said.
"Ooh, tell me all about it." He said as if he wasn't the reason.
"Well, the ones who were escorted out were notorious bullies. I mean who remains a bully well into college? Like what fucked up psyche must you have to do that? But they were also my bullies so a part of me was glad." You said the last part softly.
"Did you say they were bullying you? Baby you should've told me. I would've given them a piece of my mind." He cooed. He should really get an award for how well he's acting right now.
"Yeah but it's nothing." You said as you clung to him.
"Well at least they won't bother you anymore." He said truthfully.
"Yeah. Karma really got them in the end." You said as you looked up at him with a small grin.
"Yeah, I told you so, Miss Taylor Swift is correct." He said playfully.
"Now let's eat dinner and watch the really cute anime we found." He added as he sat you down.
Yes, karma really got them in the end but just like what Taylor Swift also sang about. Karma is your Boyfriend, and he truly will do anything to keep you happy. Even if he seems petty.
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lykaios2 · 1 year ago
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You don’t have to do this, this is just me asking, but do you think you could do a yonder ROTTMNT  brothers x autistic reader? (separate of course)
my good [insert gender neutral term used to reference a person here], if you put something into my inbox I am going to write it
anyway uh little disclaimer: I may be self diagnosed with autism but by no means does that make me an expert, people's experiences are different and I don't mean to stick stereotypes on people
anyways hope you enjoy! ❤️
Leo:
-Leo thinks you’re adorable
-All of your little stims and fidget toys
-But a lot of his romantic gestures seem to be off the table
-He loves looking into your eyes, but he doesn’t like it when you don’t look into his
-He’ll turn your face towards his so he can see your beautiful eyes
-Sometimes you’ll tear up because you’re uncomfortable from the long period of eye contact
-But he only thinks it makes your eyes more beautiful
-He is also very fond of picking you up out of nowhere
-While he knows you don’t like being scared like that, it’s the only way other than holding hands that he can be close to you
-(But sometimes he’ll break into your home at night and cuddle with you while you sleep)
Raph:
-Raph loves taking care of youHe knows very well that you need some extra help sometimes
-And he’s very glad that he’s the one that can give it to you
-His favorite thing is giving you bear hugs to help with your sensory issues
-In that moment, you’re safe in his arms, and he’s the only one you’ll ever need
-But he doesn’t like when other people help you
-He’s supposed to be your one and only savior
-The only one who knows what you need, that can help you
-One time you asked if you could go see a therapist to help with your anxiety, and he got very upset
-“Why would you need to go see anyone else? I’m all you’ll ever need, babe…no one else knows you like I do. They can’t help you like I can. You don’t need to see a therapist.”
-He said in such a loving tone that you were even convinced he was right…
Mikey:
-Mikey puts you first
-He knows everything that you need
-He is so eager to help you, in fact, that sometimes he goes a little overboard
-Every day he gives you a new fidget toy to use
-And he gets very sad if you reject his offer
-(Even though you already have hundreds)
-He tends to treat you like a kid
-Asking how your day’s been, if you need anything
-He cooks you food, drives you everywhere, puts you to bed
-It gets a little annoying sometimes, being treated like that
-But if anyone were to even lay a finger on you, he goes full defensive mode
-God forbid anyone insult you
Donnie:
-As someone who also has autism, he understands your needs
-But he still gets a little frustrated sometimes
-He wants to love you, but you make it a little hard sometimes
-His unexpected hugs from behind often make you jump, which he doesn’t like
-Your need to be alone more often than usual makes him mad
-Whenever you’re stressed or anxious, he tries to calm you down with hugs and kisses, which only makes it worse
-He has fidget toys on hand for you, because he knows those will always calm you down
-He gets mad whenever he has to use them, though
-He doesn’t like that something else has your attention more
-He also doesn’t understand why his love won't calm you down
-Your love and affection will calm him down, so why doesn’t it work the other way around?
-And sure, you may have autism, but so does he
-So why can he be the only “normal” one in the relationship?
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cheshire-qilin · 1 year ago
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(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)
(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)
Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?
Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.
When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.
I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.
I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.
Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.
With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.
Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.
That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.
What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.
As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.
My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.
If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.
It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.
Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.
Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.
They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"
And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.
As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.
(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)
They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.
(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)
I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.
The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.
(CW cleared)
I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."
And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.
And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?
The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???
And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.
But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.
To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.
Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.
Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.
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medusapelagia · 1 year ago
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Harringrove Movember Day 2: First time at Therapy
written for @harringrovemovember
Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove WT: therapy, panic attack Words: 1018
"I don't want to go." "Billy…" "I don't need to, ok? It's you that needs this shit, ok? I'm perfectly fine. I have a good job, Neil is out of my life, Max and Susan are doing great. Everything is perfect!" "Apart from me." "Apart from��� what?! Hey, no! Don't make me say things that I didn't mean!" Billy turns toward Steve, ready to fight, because the fight it's all he has ever known. "Yeah, I'm the fucking psycho who needs therapy, right? You don't! Because you don't wake up in the middle of the night screaming bloody hell! You don't get mad when I eat the last cookie and you weren't the one that punched the fucking door instead of my head after we argued!" Billy's cheeks are red with shame and anger. He is fucking fine. If Steve wants to waste money going to therapy, that's fine, he will take more hours at the machine shop, but he will not sit in front of a stranger telling them his darkest secrets.
"What do you want me to say to your fucking therapist? The same shit you say? That a pack of dogs mauled me too? That I'm scared of the dark because I was robbed? This is bullshit, Steve! fucking bullshit!" Billy regrets his words as soon as they leave his mouth. Steve is trembling in front of him, clearly having an episode, and Billy can't even touch him because he knows that things will get only worse, so he tries to talk to him, and tries to drag him out of his nightmare with his voice. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Steve. You are right. I'm damaged and I ruin everything I touch, but you are the only important thing in my life. Come back to me. Please. I'll do whatever you want. I'll come to therapy. I'll do whatever but please, please, come back to me. I beg you." Steve blinks a couple of times, surprised at finding himself kneeling on the floor "Billy?" he calls confused and scared. Billy rushes to his side, holding him so tight that he must hurt him but Steve doesn't complain. "I'm here, I'm here. You are ok." "What happened?" It breaks Billy's heart having to explain that they argued and Billy inadvertently triggered Steve's panic attack. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." "Billy." "Tell me." "Would you like to help me?" "Everything for you!" he agrees eagerly. "Come to therapy. With me." That's not on the table, Steve can't make him go and… "Ok… Ok. I'll come. For you."
Three days later they are sitting together in a little waiting area, in front of them is a man with some serious problem and a little girl with her mother. "Steve?" the therapist calls, and he gets up, smiling. "Hi, Andrea, this is Billy." "Oh, Billy! It's so nice of you to join us." Billy nods, shakes hands, and sits on the chair but says nothing at all, glaring at Steve and the woman on the other side who seems to be making small talk but keeps writing things on her little notebook. Does she know that everything Steve says is a lie? That there is an entire parallel dimension waiting full of monsters ready to kill them? "What do you say, Billy?" He jolts "Sorry?" "Steve was telling me that he is preoccupied because his needs are increasing and he doesn't want to be a burden to you. That's why I asked him if you could join our little chat." That's it? That's why Steve asked him to come? "He is not a burden." Billy quickly replies. "But he feels like it. Can you tell him what you said to me, Steve?" The boy nods but avoids Billy's eyes "I know that you're doing good, that everything in your life got better after Neil left but I… I feel like I'm holding you down. I feel that everything I do somehow makes you angry, or anxious and I wonder… I wonder if you would be better without me." Billy gets defensive "Do you want to break up with me?" Steve is still avoiding Billy, his eyes fixed on a stupid colorful poster, but his voice is wet when he whispers "I don't want to. I'm too egoistic to break up with you, even if I should. You would do so much better without me…" "That's what she said to you? Is it her that put those stupid ideas in your mind?!" Steve shakes his head "No, she… she tried to convince me that I deserved to be loved and that if you really loved me you would have done what is necessary to help me." Billy feels the hot blood in his veins turn suddenly cold "Tell me what do you need, baby. Tell me and I'll do it." Steve is crying, taking some tissues from the ugly pink container. "What Steve needs, Billy, is a safe environment, where he will feel that it is ok if he has a slip, that being a survivor comes with survivor's guilt, and that if he will ever feel like that you'll be there for him. Can you support him? Can you put your personal stuff away and dedicate yourself to him?" the woman asks with her plastic smile. Billy's hot blood would have answered that yes, of course, he is! He is his fucking boyfriend, he loves him and they have been through so many things together… But that would be his pride talking. The truth is that he doesn't have the tools to help Steve and he must admit it. "I… I would do everything for him. I would like to be anything he needs but…" Steve trembles and Billy obliges himself to finish the sentence before he gets too scared "But I think I need some help too." Steve turns toward him, eyes full of tears and astonishment. Andrea finally closes her little notebook and gives him a smile, a real one this time "I have a colleague who will be more than happy to help you."
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mrsshabana · 2 years ago
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Anonymous asked:
"It would be really interesting to be the therapist and see the before and after Gyutaro meets Y/n, lol.
Hantengu probably had quite the wild ride with Gyu during these months.
Oh and the week when he rejected Y/n for her own good! That must have been a really awkward session where Gyutaro just sat in silence with his arms crossed and was very defensive with whatever question hantengu was trying to ask him."
Therapy sessions are mandatory for Gyutaro since he is one of the few students that have a red ID. The university assigned him a therapist that he has to visit twice a month to make sure that he's doing ok, and is fit to take classes in an environment around humans.
Hantengu is used to dealing with difficult students, but nothing could have prepared him for Gyutaro.
Before Gyutaro met you, he was mostly silent in his therapy sessions. It was difficult for Hantengu to get anything out of him. The only thing he'd open up about was his sister, and even then he'd just talk about how great she is.
But after he met you, oh boy, that's when Gyutaro started really talking. When he first met you he'd go on and on about the annoying human girl in his class.
"She's so fucking annoyin... her and her stupid glitter pens," Gyutaro growls, "I don't know why she insists on talking to me."
"Well you seem to be quite fixated on her," Hantengu jots some notes down, "Are you sure you actually hate her as much as you say? She sounds like a nice girl."
"Yes, I'm sure I hate her! I just want her to leave me alone..."
"But isn't this what you wanted? Don't you want humans to treat you normally? This girl seems to be doing just that."
"I-" Gyutaro chokes on his words as a blush appears on his cheeks, "Ngh, I guess... b-but she's still annoying though."
After time passed, you became the only thing that Gyutaro would talk about during his sessions. Hantengu was glad to see that Gyutaro was making progress, he would make sure to report this to the university. That Gyutaro was showing signs of being able to facilitate healthy relationships with humans.
That is until the week that you had your first date, and Gyutaro had coldly rejected you. It seemed like all of the progress that Gyutaro had made had just disappeared overnight. And no matter how many questions Hantengu asked, Gyutaro refused to tell him what happened.
And when Gyutaro returned two weeks later for his next session, he had made a complete 180. The happiest that Hantengu has ever seen him. He was finally willing to open up to him about everything that happened.
Hantengu was shocked by the fact that Gyutaro told you about his troubled past. Even going as far to tell you things that even his sister has never known.
And believe it or not, Hantengu was not supportive of Gyutaro being in a romantic relationship with you. He knows more than anyone how volatile and dangerous Gyutaro can be, especially towards humans. Hantengu felt that you were good for Gyutaro, but taking the relationship to a romantic level would be too far. He feared for your life and even contemplated contacting the university about the matter. But ultimately decided against it.
Gyutaro had made lots of progress so Hantengu was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. And it ended up working out.
Now every time Gyutaro visits Hantengu, he has lots of fun stories to tell about his adventures with you. He even asks Hantengu for relationship advice sometimes.
"This weekend I asked Y/N to come over but she said she was at the mall so I went there too," Gyutaro lazily says while absentmindedly scratching his neck.
"You went to surprise her?" Hantengu questions, twirling his pen between his fingers.
"No, to watch her."
"Gyutaro... you can't do that."
"Why? I wanted to see her and she was busy so I didn't wanna disturb her..."
"You can't just stalk her! That's how you scare girls off. You need to give her her privacy."
"But she's my girlfriend? Why would she need privacy? I don't understand..."
"Listen Gyutaro. Time apart is healthy for couples. You don't need to be together at every moment."
"I beg to differ," Gyutaro crosses his arms defensively. Confident in his stance on this.
Repost from my old blog mrsshabana-archive
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akai-kiki · 6 days ago
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So, since I’ve been diagnosed with hEDS (bar any severe vascular symptoms being discovered in my echocardiogram 🤞) I guess I’ll ramble the thoughts that have been bouncing in my brain like an old screensaver. I guess tw for (mostly unintentional) ableism below the cut.
So… looking back, so many things make sense. My whole family and all my schoolmates thought I was making it up, but I legit had the most fragile and bendy little ankles as a kid. I routinely sprained my ankles, rolled them, etc. At least once a week but more often close to daily. I don’t really blame my classmates for not believing it… they were 6-9, and everyone around them was saying I was “dramatic” or something. But looking back, the adults in my life never bothered to check what was wrong, or if there WAS anything wrong. They just dismissed me. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking I was weak. That straining myself with exercise would cure me (spoilers: it made me injure myself in ways I’m still fixing in physical therapy).
My chronic issues were dismissed as normal problems all my life. When I finally described them to my doctors I feel like I earned some sort of achievement: “Stun Your Doctor Into Silence.” They could not stress enough that my experiences were abnormal and harmful, and were terrified that I just suffered that in silence my entire youth. Yeah… not the greatest thing to hear, validating though it may be.
The weirdest thing though was that my mom, my abusive mom who let me develop walking pneumonia because she thought I was being dramatic about my MONTH LONG COUGH, just… agreed with my assessment. Without question. She said she was sorry, and at the time, they just didn’t know. It was a baffling moment. This is the woman who insists her years of abuse are just cruel lies I made up about her, and who goes into defensive hysterics when I would call her out. I genuinely don’t know how to react to that. Have I gotten better at explaining myself? Has she learned her le— no she fucking hasn’t, I’m not falling for that one again. But still… it felt weirdly reassuring to have her, of all people, listen to me.
I’m not sure what others can take from this. I guess just… believe your children. Listen to them. They might have problems you can’t see. Problems that, left alone, may cause a lifetime of damage and trauma.
My physical therapist asked me what gym was like as a kid. I said that I frequently got overheated, dizzy, injured and embarrassed. I couldn’t do push ups- my joints subluxated. I couldn’t run for the same reason. The only thing I was good at was, unsurprisingly, the stretching and flexibility exercises. She was pretty shocked, and said that I should have been completely excused from gym for my own health. She’s right, of course. I wonder what my life would have been like if we knew that I had a genetic disorder? It’s hard to imagine.
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partytricks · 8 months ago
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young royals s3 thoughts (SPOILERS!!!!)
- first and foremost i think they tried to fit waaaayy too many things into this season. it feels like they wrote two seasons worth of content and instead of trying to cut plotlines that were unimportant to the overall narrative, they just said fuck it lets do them all. and it...did not work
- LOVE the idea of wille's speech having repercussions outside of wilmon and the royal family, and i love that the hazing was addressed, but again the whole reveal about erik and august felt like it was just thrown in to have sympathy for august and to lead to wille's breakdown at the bday dinner (which like...he had more than enough reason to do already). i do like the idea of erik actually being fucked up behind the scenes, but i wish they would have hinted at it in season 2 or something instead of just dropping it out of nowhere. idk
- WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THEY FORGOT ABOUT WILLE HAVING ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS UNTIL THE LAST COUPLE EPISODES???? his anxious habits and the physical toll that stress takes on him were pretty consistently shown in the first two seasons and then suddenly not a thing until the halfway point???????? like idk something about that really bothered me. my one big hope for this season was that wille would get to address his panic attacks but it seems like theyre just not gonna acknowledge it, which i guess is true to real life anxiety it's just something you live with, but it was teased to be such a crucial thing about wille that im a little disappointed its not getting explored
- wilmon cannot communicate to save their lives and i feel like neither of them are ready to be in a relationship. they have a good dynamic and you can tell they care about each other, but they never look at issues from a dual perspective, only as an individual. and then when they call each other out they just get defensive. i think they only want the lovey dovey fun part of a relationship, and they cant accept the fact that things WILL go wrong and they have to work through it TOGETHER
- ive seen a lot of people say that wille got really mean out of nowhere this season and i kind of disagree?? yes, his aggression is def at the forefront of almost all his scenes, but we've seen in the past two seasons that he doesnt know how to deal with stress and takes frustration out on other people. it's just that now he's constantly stressed and therefore on a hair trigger. is it right of him?? no. but does it make sense?? yeah, for me at least
- i HATE that wille's anxiety is constantly pushed aside because it "isnt princely" but the MINUTE that kristina has mental health issues she gets to step back from her duties and see a therapist, get meds, etc... now to clarify, i hate it because wille deserves better and its so hypocritical. i LOVE that it was included in the story because you really get to see plain as day just how much wille's family does not give a shit about him. he was so worried about his mom because he knows what it feels like and wants to be there for her when she never was for him, but she cant even make eye contact with him. and his dad is no better. that scene where wille calls to ask about erik and his dad just goes "yeah i cant think of any of erik's flaws he was perfect" EVEN IF YOU THINK THAT YOU DONT SAY IT TO YOUR OTHER KID???? who, to wille's point, is CURRENTLY YOUR ONLY SON.
- simon dealt with a lot of shit this season, and he was right to be scared of wille during his blowup at the royals, but CALL ME CRAZY i think he couldve waited until like, idk, the NEXT DAY?? to breakup with him???? yes, wille has been an ass to simon this season and taking family drama out on him, thats not cool, but striking while the iron is hot is an AWFUL idea. bring it up while wille is in a more rational headspace and not as riled-up. like simon my bby i was with you til then
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sallysgrancanwrite · 10 months ago
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Chapter Sixty-Six
Masterlist.
Chloe walked back downstairs. The others were all setting up the table to play spades.
“Are you up for a game of cards?” asked Bob.
“I’m always up for cards.” She replied.
“You seem preoccupied,” said Beth. “What’s up?” She asked Chloe.
“I’m concerned about Emma.” She told them. “She is having trouble with Michael going to jail. And she asked me why he hurts us and honestly, I had no answer for her.”
“It wouldn’t be a bad idea for her to go to therapy too. And for you to go not only as individuals but together as well.” replied Edith. “A therapist would be able to help Emma as well as you, make sense of it all. There is no shame in needing to talk to someone. You’ve been through something traumatic.”
“It’s definitely something I’m going to give some thought to.” Chloe said. “Now let’s play cards so I can whoop your butts.” She said laughing.
The four of them sat down to play and had a few drinks. As they were playing the phone rang.
“I’ll get it,” said Chloe as she got up.
“Hello,” she said. There was silence. “Hello.” She said again, more irritated that the person on the other line wouldn’t answer.
“Who is this?” she demanded. Finally Bob came over and grabbed the phone.
“If this is Michael I’m calling the sheriff. You aren’t to harass Chloe.” He screamed into the phone. With that the person hung up.
“I know it was Michael!” said Chloe. “But without proof I can do nothing. It doesn’t surprise me he’s harassing me. That’s Michael.”
“He better not try anything!” said Beth. “ I’ll kick his ass!”
“It’s okay, Beth. He hasn’t tried anything. Just nasty comments and now phone calls. It’s probably good I’m starting the gym. Maybe I’ll take self defense class too. You want to join me Beth and Edith?” Chloe asked.
“Oh I’m too old for that.” said Edith. But taking Beth is a good idea.” said Edith.
“You need to take a handgun class. A conceal carry class,” said Bob. “That I would go with you to.” He said.
“So would we,” said Beth and Edith. “It doesn’t hurt to be prepared.”
“I’ll take you ladies to buy small handguns and then we’ll take that class and get a conceal carry license.” Bob stated. “Beth you already have a gun and license but we’ll go tomorrow for Chloe and Edith.” He said.
“I’m not sure I like having guns in the house with Emma around.” said Chloe.
“We will keep them out of her reach and teach her to never handle one or play with one.” said Bob and Edith.
“Alright. Well, I’m going to bed. I have PT in the morning and then I’ll go to the gym for a bit. If you don’t mind taking me Edith.” said Chloe.
“Not at all. I can take you and then we can do some shopping. I noticed Emma has outgrown some of her things. Grandma needs to buy her some pretty new dresses.” Edith said with a smile and a chuckle.
Chloe went up to bed but lay there thinking about that phone call. “Why couldn’t Michael just leave her alone,”’Chloe thought. Soon she had fallen fast asleep. Hours later she woke up with her back hurting badly but refused to tell anyone in case they stopped her from working out. The pain would get better over time, she decided. She took a pain pill and fell asleep again with little Mimi curled up by her side.
The next morning Chloe had Emma let Mimi out. Emma came back in and told her, “Momma there is stuff on your car doors.”
“What? I haven’t driven in a long time.”
Chloe said as she opened the front door. There on her car doors was the word “bitch” written in black paint! Chloe was furious and knew who had done it but again she had no proof. She came back in.
“What’s wrong?” asked Beth coming out of the kitchen.
“Go look at what he did to my car! “ Chloe yelled.
Beth, Bob and Edith walked outside and were horrified.
“Emma hasn’t seen this has she?” asked Edith.
“She’s the one who found it.” said Chloe. Now Emma would have more questions and they wouldn’t be easy to answer.
They all came back in like nothing was wrong. They got Emma some breakfast and started her on some school work.
“Momma, what was on your car?” asked Emma.
“It was a bad word. I won’t repeat it. Just do your school work.” said Chloe.
“Did daddy do it?” Emma asked
“I don’t know, honey. Now don’t worry about that, just do your work. I have to go to PT. I’ll see you in a bit. Momma loves you.” Chloe told Emma.
She could wring Michaels neck for this stunt! She had to hurry, she was already late. “Are you ready Edith?” asked Chloe.
“Yes, let’s go. Stay with grandpa. Make sure you work hard. Grandma will get you something.” said Edith.
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fitrahgolden · 1 year ago
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There's A World You Need To Know: 4 - It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
[PLEASE READ: So, I start to get into Kate’s ethical crisis here. Please note that this is a work of poorly researched fiction. Maybe in real life, there would be no socially acceptable way Kate and Anthony could ever be in a relationship after she’d been his siblings’ therapist. While I am trying to not totally disregard the ethical problem here, this isn’t real life. It’s an HEA.]
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Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Hi, Kate.  I hope your flight goes OK. Please let us know when you’ve landed safely.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): This is Anthony Bridgerton, by the way.
Brother. Brother. Kate was surprised to see a text from Anthony as she was packing for Ireland. And though she tried not to let herself admit it, it made her smile. But he’s their brother. No relationships with the family members of current clients. No exceptions.
Current clients. The thoughts that distinction led to felt so selfish. It could still have consequences for her career. Would her colleagues take her seriously? Would her other clients? Her publisher? How would Gregory and Hyacinth feel after she abandoned them and then showed back up on Anthony’s arm? They would hate it. They would hate her. If she was having these thoughts, is it right to continue to be their therapist anyway?
After staring at the messages for far too long, she put her phone face down and resumed packing. She turned on music to try to drown the thoughts out. It didn’t work.
“Hey, hey! KC, looking gorgeous, as always.” Tom approached Kate as she sat in Heathrow, checked in and ready to board. She smiled when she heard Tom’s greeting. She got up and gave him a tight hug before he settled next to her.
“Thought I was gonna have to go without you. No photos for my next book.”
“I would never.” Tom clutched his chest in mock offense.
“Are you gonna see family while we’re there? We’ll be so close.”
Tom ran his hand through his hair. “Eh, yeah. I reckon I should. I’d never hear the end of it from Mum if I was an hour away from Aunty for three weeks and didn’t pop by.”
“Yeah. You know I won’t need photos every day. You could have a little holiday during the trip.”
“What about you? Fancy a trip to the seaside? Aunty would love to meet you. She’s a big fan.”
“Thanks, but I’m gonna try to work efficiently. I want to get back home as soon as I can.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I don’t like being away from Mum and Edwina for so long. Or abandoning my clients.” Or anyone else. No, no. There is no one else.
“Abandon? That’s being a bit hard on yourself, KC. Though I guess that is your way.” Tom pulled her into a side hug and she rested her head on his shoulder. “You’re wonderful to your clients. Too wonderful, even. You only take a break from that work to do other work. When’s the last time you took a proper holiday?”
“Well, all this work pays off. Ed's school is taken care of. Mum's house is paid off. They were actually just away themselves. Anyway, I travel,” Kate said defensively.
“Like I said, for work. Hey, why don’t you and I plan for a trip later this year? Once the book is in review, eh? Me, you, Edwina, Mary. No work allowed?”
Kate side eyed him. “I don’t know, Tom…”
Tom nodded knowingly, “Look, again, I’m sorry I misread things when we first started working together. I was a dickhead. But we are friends now, right?”
“Yeah, of course, Tom.”
“Good.” Tom sighed, relieved. “No vacation with your family, though. Got it.”
Kate scrunched up her nose. “No, not mad about that idea.”
Checked into their hotel in downtown Cork, Tom walked Kate to her room.
“Bright and early in the morning?”
Kate opened her door and turned back to Tom. “Yep, the building is thankfully a short taxi ride away. Should be able to get down to work pretty quickly.”
“Excellent.” Tom spared a glance into Kate’s room and looked down at her luggage. “You good with your bags?”
“Yep. Don’t worry about me, Tom. Get some sleep. We both need it.”
“Alright. You know I’m just down the hall if you need anything.”
“Mmhmm. Good night.”
“Good night.” Tom took a couple of steps backward before turning and heading to his room.
Once inside, Kate promptly video called Edwina and Mary. As usual, they insisted they were fine without her and, yes, Simon had said he would come by to check on them. Kate wanted to go over the checklist, but was out voted. After good nights and air kisses, Kate hung up, plugged in her phone, unpacked, prepped for tomorrow morning, and finally got ready for bed.
As soon as she lied down, she knew sleep wouldn't be coming anytime soon.
Don't do it. Text Ed. Text Simon. Next Tom. No, not Tom. But anyone else. Don't text him. 
Anthony Bridgerton, was it? Thank you for checking in. Really, it's quite thoughtful. We did land safely and are in for the night so we can get an early start tomorrow.
Kate hit send before she could think too much about the fact that she said "we" and would that make Anthony think she and Tom were sharing a room or something? Doesn't matter. Does not–
Her phone chimed.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Glad to hear it. I've never been to Cork.
First time here. Would you like me to return with a report?
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): A thorough one, yes. Double spaced, if you don't mind.
Of course.
Would it be annoying if I asked about Gregory and Hyacinth?
I know it's not my place.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): No, no. It's fine. It's nice that you care so much about them. They are both in a proper mourning period.
Aw, don't tell me that.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Fine. They won't stop singing Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead.
Ha ha.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): They miss you. Hyacinth wants a guitar. They plan to give us all music and paint lessons so we will "learn to communicate our feelings while avoiding becoming overwhelmed by them." What have you done to these kids? 
Hopefully, something good. Seems like a lot when it's been two days. I only see them twice a week anyway.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): And I genuinely think it's the highlight of their week. Who knew having a safe outlet to express yourself could be so rewarding?
Me. I knew. You should try it. 
Shit, sorry. That was out of line. 
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): No, it's OK.
No, it's not. I try really hard to avoid giving unsolicited advice.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Good on you. Personally, I find it impossible not to tell everyone what they should be doing at all times.
Well, you should be telling me to go to sleep, then.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Go to sleep, Kate.
Good night, Anthony.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Good night. 
“Think we are at the halfway mark?” Tom asked as he set Kate’s drink down in front of her. They were finishing up supper at the pub directly across the street from their hotel.
“Yeah, I think I can confidently say that.” Kate sat back triumphantly.
“Only a week in. Efficient, indeed. And it’s looking amazing, but you already knew that. Client happy so far?”
“Yup.” Tom studied her for a moment. Kate, furrowed her brow. “What?”
“You are usually more of a stress ball during these big projects. Everything’s seeming to flow more easily this go round.” Kate shrugged. “Might it be you’ve finally learned to relax? That’s the right direction towards letting yourself take a real holiday, I suppose.”
“Speaking of, are you making your way towards the coast in the morning?”
“Yeah, playing dutiful nephew. Sure you don’t want to come?”
“Thanks, but I’ve got a good rhythm set. Don’t want to lose momentum.”
Kate’s phone chimed. She tried to ignore it, but–
“That thing’s been going off like mad all evening.” Tom chuckled.
“It’s what I get for asking for updates from Ed and Mum as well as updates on their updates from Si.”
It was true. She was exchanging a lot of messages with her family. But she and Anthony had also not stopped texting since her first night in Cork. And it had Kate giddy. Giddy. After the first couple of days, she decided to compartmentalize away her guilty feelings. She could enjoy talking with him. They were just talking. As friends.
Her phone chimed again.
“You don’t have to ignore them on my account.”
“You don’t mind?” Kate was already reaching into her pocket.
“Go on. Want another?” Tom pointed at her glass.
“Yes, please,” Kate said, not looking up from her phone.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Was I right? I was, wasn’t I?
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): What’s my prize?
Remind me what this is referring to?
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): You know what.
I’m sure I don’t.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Right. You’re already halfway done, aren’t you? And all of Cork is falling at your feet, feeling utterly unworthy of their city being permanently graced by the artwork of one Kathani Cavery Sharma.
Kate could feel herself grinning like an idiot and she didn't care.
I don't know about the second thing.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Which means I'm right about the first thing. That’s all I need to be the victor, so I ask again, what are my spoils?
See, it would have been a legitimate bet if we had laid out specific terms, but alas, we made no such agreement.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Yeah, no, I'll let you know what my spoils are to be once I've decided, Ms. Sharma.
I can hear you maniacally rubbing your hands together from here.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): I'm being loud for your benefit.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Can I see any pictures of your work in progress or do I have to wait until it's done?
Kate's cheeks got hot. Calm down, dummy. He's asking for pictures of the mural, not you. 
So, you’ve been playing the long game. All this talking has just been a way to get early access to the latest attraction in Cork? How can I be sure nothing I share will be leaked to every major news site in the world by tomorrow morning?
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Easy. You have leverage. Those aforementioned spoils I want from you. Nay, I am owed! I wouldn't dare betray you before I've secured those.
Fingers snapped in front of Kate's face. She blinked up and saw Tom smiling at her curiously.
"Shit, sorry."
"No, it's fine. I guess it's all good news?"
"Ha, yeah."
Tom leaned back in his chair. Kate pushed some hair–that was already behind her ear–behind her ear. Why do you feel nervous? Nothing is going on and it's none of Tom's business if anything was.
"You OK?"
Kate sighed and rolled her eyes. "I really am, Tom."
"I know it's fucked up, but that's why I'm asking. You seem genuinely OK. It's off brand."
Kate sat up straight. "What does that mean?"
"Sorry, sorry. That came out wrong." Tom held his hands up in surrender. "I'm being a dick. Like I said, I've never seen you so relaxed. Whatever the reason, I'm happy for you."
"Um, thanks."
The conversation finally moved on and Kate called it a night before they could circle back around to why Kate was in such a good mood. She didn't want things to be awkward with Tom and she meant it when she said they were friends. Not the kind of friend she can confide in about Anthony, though. On top of Tom knowing Anthony, at least once upon a time, she didn't want to talk to anyone about Anthony, full stop.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Hey, I promise I was just curious about what you're doing over there.
Just getting back into my room. Hope you are ready to have your mind blown. 
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Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Boo! I can't even see anything. Some random woman is taking up most of the frame. How am I supposed to sell this to The Daily Mail? Give me something I can use!
Kate's smile fell when the next message came through. 
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Did Tom take that?
For some reason Kate didn't want to acknowledge, she was struggling with how to respond. It doesn't matter. You're not doing anything wrong. Anthony doesn't care. Why would he care? He's asking because he knows Tom, that's all.
Yeah. I forgot you guys know each other, right? Si mentioned that at some point. You were all mates at Oxford?
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): Yeah. Haven't talked to him in years. You guys work together often?
Um, yeah, I guess you could say that. He was recommended to me when I was working on my book.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): He's a good bloke from what I remember.
What is his aim? Am I supposed to agree?
I'll be on my own for a few days, though. He has family nearby so he's going to see them while we are here.
Who fucking cares? I don't want to talk about Tom.
Any ideas for what you want for winning our "bet?" (Which I maintain is illegitimate and would never hold up in court, but don't mind me.)
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): A tour of your favorite murals around here when you get back. El is always going on about how I'm not cultured enough.
Shit, shit, shit. A date? No, not a date. Get the fuck over yourself, Christ.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): It would also drive her mad if THE Kate Sharma gave me a personal public art tour.
You're mean. We should invite her.
Anthony Bridgerton (G and H Brother): No, we shouldn't.
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honestly fuck off using the same word for just treating your child as a friend (good) that's used for sexually abusing them (bad)
My dad kissed me till I was 16 on the lips and to this day the only movies we watch together are sex based.
He treated my aunt the exact same way he treated me except we didn’t have sex.
He said I was the only person he needed in the world and took me out drinking with him as young as 10.
We did not have sex. It was incest. Emotional incest (also called covert incest) is a thing. I only found out I was a victim of it after my grandpa had sexual incest with me and my therapist pointed out the similarities.
I am telling you from personal experience that if your parent treats you as an adult and tells you about their sex problems and emotional problems and there isn’t food a lot of the time because he’s broke and asks you borrow your money and it goes in cycles of that and taking you out to dinner and cuddling and being the most important person in the world to the point you are so codependent that you are able to fill out all the paper work at the hospital for him at 12 because he’s two shakey from the blood loss because he’s suicidal and you earnestly tell him you will kill your self if he dies then that’s a problem.
If you love your parents that much this becomes the case it’s hard to see the problem because you love them so much, but the fact of the matter is that the person you’re supposed to go to for that shit is your spouse. If you treat your child like your spouse in every single way but sex that’s incest.
And honestly I am worried about your personal life and the fact you have nothing better to do than this and the reasons why you might be so defensive of this. Are you still trapped by your parents? Is your relationship falling apart because your parent is acting like a jealous scorned lover? Are you a kid who desperately needs to believe they’re good people? Are you an adult who treats you children like this and needs to believe you’re a good person? What is your problem that you’ve sent a victim of incest three different asks insisting that asking children for like advice and trauma dumping on them is a good healthy thing?
You can be your child’s friend. They can not be yours. That’s the difference. Children receive zero benefit from this behavior . Parents do.
How selfish do you have to be to see the examples I gave of sharing issues earlier and then insist it’s good to tell your kids that? Not once did you say “no not like that, I meant tell them that a family member is dying or that hour in a bad mood and need alone time” you said “actually shut the fuck up it is fine.”
It’s not fine when your parents need 12 restraining orders because they keep hooking up with people they shouldn’t and they see you as a comrade in arms. It is not normal to being your child to a friends house where a rapist is to protect them from a rapist (this actually happened! I was 14 it was her ex she lived in the mountains and they used me and my brother 13 being there as the reason not to rape her because “the kids are here”. I’m not saying it was wrong to help I’m saying bringing your teenage children there is BAD and they SHOULDNT HELP WITH THOSE PROBLEMS). It’s not normal to bring them to the house their molesters partner is at when they have a panic attack and insist you stay and say nothing because his current partner wants to stay and it would make it uncomfortable. It’s not normal to push them to see their molester two years after the fact to help the molester through their mandated therapy because it’s the responsible adult thing to do.
THAT is confiding in your children and telling them why things bug you and going to them for help and advice and having them be your friend is. THAT is spousification and covert incest. THAT is treating them like an emotional mental equal, trusting they can deal with all of that. That’s what you’re coming into my inbox to tell me is normal and right and not incest.
My mom treated me good. Our conversations were “I’m having a rough week I need alone time right now” and “I’m sorry I yelled at you I’ve been really stressed lately and it’s not your fault, you don’t have to forgive me now but in your own time” and “I don’t want to talk bad about your dad but when we were together he did the same thing to me.” THATS open honesty. None of that is confiding or going into details or coming to me for advice. The closest I ever got to giving her advice was “do you like this new guy” or “I don’t know if I should work more for more money or enjoy my time off with but we don’t go to that theme park you wanted.” That’s a healthy relationship with zero confiding or advice. Anything more than that isn’t garenteed emotional incest, I’m not saying that. I’m saying those are often signs to look into, and that more than that is at the very least parentification and still abuse.
Do you get it now? Do you see the difference in expecting children to have adult emotional capacity and sharing things you would with an adult with them Vs just being open and taking them seriously? Or are you going to tell me my dad was just trying to be my friend and send me more stuff?
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redwineconversation · 4 months ago
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Kysha Sylla Extension Video (July 16, 2024)
In the good old days, when Lyon actually had an owner who cared about them and their results, Lyon would handle losing a world class player by simply signing another world class player as replacement. Because that's how you stay on top - you have world class players with a wealth of experience who know what it takes to win big games because they have played in so many of them.
Kysha Sylla is not Griedge Mbock.
Vicki Becho is not Delphine Cascarino.
Let's not sit here and pretend Sylla and Becho are on the same level as Mbock and Cascarino. It's just not good faith to pretend that Sylla and Becho will fill the void left by those players. It's not in good faith to say that those players just need the chance "to show what they can do" and act as though that can substitute big game experience.
Let's imagine a worse case scenario for Lyon, where their entire back line gets crippled by injury. Who will be covering for Carpenter? Can't be Sombath, she will be covering for Gilles. Can't be Renard, she's out with whatever bad injury we are imagining and has Sylla in her place. Bacha won't be able to play because she's out, which means we will be treated with Svava as LB, who has never played/won a UWCL knockout game. This scenario will have Sombath, who those not suffering from selective memory will remember her being eaten alive by bigger teams in the first half of the 2022-2023 season, being the most experienced defender. How the fuck does that not scare more (alleged?) Lyon fans? Where are your standards?!
Renard said it herself - they lost the 2024 UWCL final because certain players lacked the necessary experience. You don't win the UWCL by giving academy players a chance. You're either an academy development club or a UWCL contender. There is no universe where you can be both.
With that being said - blah blah standard disclaimers apply; fuck parasocial fans pls for the love of god talk to a therapist and find a healthy outdoors activity; @OL Comms Dept pls chip in for my AC bill I am dying here; y'all know the speech by now.
This translation is done out of a mixture of self-loathing and because I do believe that to know this team is to understand them. This is how you get to that (I will let you choose which one you identify with).
KYSHA SYLLA OLYMPIQUE LYONNAIS INTERVIEW
Sylla: I'm very proud to continue with my development club [and people wonder why I bitch so much about academy kids...] I arrived when I was 16, today I am 20. And obviously today is a huge source of pride. As time went by I got to do more and more. I went through the reserves and that went well and now I am here with a lot of ambition.
Sylla: In terms of the team the ambition is to win all three trophies [league, Coupe de France, UWCL]. From a personal perspective, it's to play more games, have much more playing time, and make a name for myself.
Sylla: I'm really proud and I want to live up to the confidence Lyon is showing to me.
Sylla: You are so lucky being an academy player at Lyon because I want to say you're with the best team in the world. The support is really great, we're with the best players and we can only improve whether it is as a human being or on the field or off of it. It's incredible being at Lyon.
Sylla: Obviously it's the most important step [going from the academy to the pro team] because this is where you need to play, you need to get those minutes and impose yourself. You need to stand out. The transition is going to be important.
Sylla: I'm a really defense-oriented player who accumulates cards and injuries. I like defending, pure and simple. I enjoy putting in the work, I enjoy the intensity, the fights. Those are my biggest qualities. If I can show them, then I think I will stand out.
Sylla: I started playing with the boys. It went well. I was never afraid, I have no fear. This is what I like to do. I'm lucky to play next to Wendie [Renard] on a daily basis [Macario after missing a sitter while up 5-0 might disagree] She is an incredible role model both in terms of her career and her personality.
VINCENT PONSOT OLYMPIQUE LYONNAIS INTERVIEW
Ponsot: She's a player who arrived when she was 16. She's from the academy so she is part of the long-term project. We have a number of players from the academy. It's something which is important for us. Kysha [Sylla] is a part of that, she's been with the team for a while now. She was on loan at Dijon.
Ponsot: She's a player with a lot of potential who unfortunately suffered a lot of setbacks due to injuries, pretty severe injuries at that [so why the FUCK did we extend her???]. But we have a lot of trust in her since rational fans don't, and we will continue to follow her as she progresses. Beyond that, she decides what she wants to do.
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warpspeedgirl · 6 months ago
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Yeah I’m still really hurt about her thinking I wouldn’t genuinely try to understand something she was saying and realizing that she’s never going to apologize for anything after I gave her several opportunities to do so. Derek was right, reaching out to her about it would only upset me more, I’m still so hurt. Like wow my best friend really thought that of me? Over this??? I think she doesn’t really process her own emotions so how can I expect her to respect/understand mine? Or even TRY to. I regret ever reaching out to her. It reminded me that I stopped talking to her for a reason. I realized why should I still be so hurt carrying around this narrative that wow my bestfriend really thought I wasn’t genuinely trying to understand her when SHE was the one not genuinely understanding or respect! my boundary and perspective leading to the entire blow out? I was brutallt honest and vulnerable with her about why I needed the break and space and how it was so overwhelming And hurtful and that talking to her in the past doesn’t go well because she gets defensive and it’s almost like it’s because she feels threatened and that’s where the defensiveness comes from? Like when she always used to say “I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings” instead of just apologizing. It’s so similar to the “you can say the same thing to me, you hurt my feelings all the time too, nothing I say is personal” I told her I understood her sense of urgency and her impatience with me (I really didn’t need to try to understand that) but that no matter what it was, I said no I can’t help figure out who the contact next about the situation in your room today, and she told me the next time I say no she’ll understand better, which is freaking ridiculous we were WAY to old for that. I was patient with her digs and passive aggressive comments over text for a while and kind of ignored them and kept saying that’s good I hope it’s not rodents until I finally stood up for myself when she went back to “it was just one thing Adisa” fuck off. I said no I can’t today I’m stressed out and busy with plans I made with my guest HOURS ago. Maybe if I’m stressed I CANT give what you’re saying any attention, there was no empathy or understanding for that and at first I thought it was her just being very inconsiderate and selfish but now I’m starting to think it might party be because she doesn’t let herself feel things so I can’t expect her to feel any empathy for me. That’s why it’s funny that she asked me to “really see her side of it because she’s seeing mine” lol no she wasn’t! I told her I understood her sense of urgency/impatience with me and thag to her she “just wanted one thing” that took A LOT. I said no I don’t need to understand further, doesn’t matter if it was one thing or ten, but I still tried and it’s never going to be enough for her because I didn’t do what she thought I should’ve. The things my therapist said after we went through all the messages and history I have with her make a lot of sense to me and I’m glad I pushed through the emotional pain and broke it down over these months. Her accusing me of not genuinely trying to understand is HER feelings and it’s not based on any merit during the conversation we had. Look at all the other crazy rude things she said to me. She couldn’t even see the part she played in the “back and forth” that day. I still randomly think about advice she’s given me over the years and I think I need to take her one advice of not taking anything she says personally, especially things she said during an insanely selfish fit. And honestly why would I want to talk to you after ALL of that, mixed with your behavior months before, and you accusing me of not genuinely trying and speaking for you. If you already think that and can’t see your part in it how would talking go anywhere if you don’t even think I was trying? Ive tried that with you. I think part of it is that you can be VERY harsh and impulsive with people without realizing it/thinking about what words are coming out of your mouth. Goes back to that impatient/erratic thing.
But this is the same person that says and does a LOT of rude shit without realizing it? Or not caring I’m not sure. But it kind of reminds me of situations like with those girls back in highschool or with that girl that ended up blocking her or when she was being SO rude right after we moved in, she seems oblivious to why people were so hurt and angry by her actions. I don’t think it’s malicious. I think she just genuinely doesn’t get it. And I think part of that might be that we were raised so differently. I grew up with parents who apologized/siblings where we talk things out. That incident in September where she thought it was like a sibling fight that we were just gonna brush past, I was NOT raised like that and it’s not my personality. You hurt me and I wanted to hash it out. Me saying I was hurt scared you. Maybe that’s part of what you meant when you told me not take anything you say personally. Maybe on some level you KNOW you say rude and hurtful shit sometimes. Maybe me saying her accusing me of not genuinely trying to understand her question (ridiculous and among MANY of the things that hurt me but that one was the worst) scared her too and she’s never going to address her role in the ending of our friendship. Her telling me I’m not genuinely even TRYING to understand after she started everything, was so rude, and it was HER not trying to understand “no”, really opened my eyes. You telling me that was another case of you speaking for ME. You can’t tell me what I should do and that you “knew” I could do it, that it would make more sense that I said no if you asked me to drive somewhere 🙄, assuming I’d say yes and badgering me with what you just “needed” when I said no and turn that into me “not genuinely trying to understand” you. You’re speaking for me, and when I have a reaction to you saying very pushy and manipulative comments concerning your case manager (which why would I give a fuck about what your case manager thinks or says after I already said no) , that it’s an issue for the entire apartment, that you can’t understand why I couldn’t do it, that you still called but it was hard because you had school (yeah I understand school is hard on a schedule! I still said no and I was stressed out and overwhelmed too. Your stress wasn’t more important than mine and that is really how your actions translated), and eveeerrything else im “speaking for you” what else am I supposed to think??. You said even if it was “just one thing” you wanted me to do by seeing who to contact for you, I still said no and I couldn’t do it and I don’t have to do it even if I had nothing going on. A lot of things are a deflection and so defensive with you just like that argument in September and the horrible things you said to me during and after that just like me saying that pointing at strangers in public rude and your “it was just a baby and a dog”. It was like that moment where you see a character having flashbacks of all the similar moments that have lead to that moment. This is just who you are and you rarely apologize. We’re not friends anymore because one thing happened. We’re not friends anymore because of several things that happened over the course of months/years and me realizing that I can’t be around that behavior anymore because it hurts me repeatedly and there’s no resolution. I can accept you have different opinions than I do, always have. I told you I understand to you it’s one thing, to me it’s out of the way, not my business, and I’m busy. You couldn’t accept it and had a meltdown. Why is what you were doing that day more important than what I was doing? We were both busy and couldn’t do it. It was your issue, and you had to figure out how to handle it, which you did.
Can you empathize with why I felt like you weren’t genuinely trying to understand me saying no? Can you emphasize with how demeaning and out of touch it comes across for you to say “understand my side because I’m understanding yours” when you really weren’t or else you wouldn’t have said half of the self righteous things you did and that made me feel like your putting words in MY mouth.
I also felt like she wasn’t genuinely trying to understand my boundary and provoked me, which is what happened. She’ll never see it. She’ll never, at least not now, understand how manipulative some of those tactics she was using were.
I understood what she was asking and don’t NEED to understand in the first place I said no. Handle your shit
Her thinking that is her problem and her tantrum and impatience and her emotion. It doesn’t need to be my story anymore. I told her she wasn’t hearing me, she told me I wasn’t genuinely trying to understand which is bullshit because I could’ve said the exact same thing to her but she can be VERY harsh with people. This I already knew about her for years.
She says so much crazy shit I really can’t take any of it seriously her perspective is selfish and warped. She also thought it was okay to text me about the case manager and tell me over and over it was just one thing and that it was confusing for her and she couldn’t understand bc it was “just one thing” and it would’ve made more sense if she asked me to go drive somewhere and 10+ more crazy things that I couldn’t address because it’s so insane 🙄 like Derek said What you have going on isn’t more or less important than what I have going on. If she wants to think you weren’t genuinely trying to understand that she was asking for who to contract next after all that, let her think that. Her emotions are her own to deal with. He was really wise to say all that to me but I still struggle with taking other people’s opinions too seriously even though I felt like I had more of a right to feel like she wasn’t genuinely trying to understand me saying no! In the first place. None of that should’ve happened if she was reasonable but it did and it blew up because she’s not.
Her saying “I’m not gonna address anything anymore” GREAT there shouldn’t be anything for you to address in the first place??? I said no and you couldn’t handle it. Don’t start rude shit like this over text. The lesson for me was learning when to just let people talk and stop responding/do no engage with overbearing people like that. Thats why I decided to say nevermind I don’t care what she thinks about anything I don’t respect her opinions anymore. It’s exhausting. And I told you I have a lot on my plate and I can’t help with this today, maybe that means I CANT understand the way I normally would hence the no. Although I did understand what you were asking regardless it wasn’t that hard or confusing. You wanted me to go to the leasing office or call them and then tell you what they say. I said no I can’t (and also that’s something you need to do). ANY other day previously I probably would’ve done it. And the other crazy thing is the night before I was there with Derek in the living room laughing/watching Christmas movies and you came home and we asked you if you needed any help! If I have time I have time, if I don’t, I don’t. And even if I do and say no because I don’t feel like it’s my place, that is FINE too. My first instinct after getting all those texts from you was to say no I can’t, but I showered Derek out of hesitation like should I just try to do it and he jokingly said ‘no fuck all that lol we have that appointment and you have a guest she can handle what’s going on in her room’ I just kind of had a mini breakdown/freak out and we went to go talk on the roof lounge.
I didn’t do anything wrong. I wish I didn’t need to show Derek and my therapist and my mom the texts to realize that. I wish I realized that immediately on my own in the first place. But I’m not the same person I was then so. And yeah it’s what my therapist said, even if I was at home not hosting a guest not doing baby appointments and stuff, it would’ve been perfectly fine for me to say “sorry I can’t help you with the sounds in your room”. The sad thing if she just apologized I would’ve been more willing to talk things out. I was hesistant because first of all, she went so far with everything and it was EXTREMELY hurtful, and second of all we have history with her not being able to apologize and just getting defensive, and yeah not genuinely try to understand where I’m coming from because of that defensiveness. It’s funny that she thinks she understands where I was coming from after allllll the stuff she was saying in reaction to me saying, “no”. It almost reminds me of a toddler having a fit “well if you’re not gonna try to understand me then I’m just not gonna explain anymore!!”” Girl if you tried to understood that I said no when I first said no and that you needed to go to the leasing office yourself, NONE of this would’ve happened. The crazy timing of it is that if this happened maybe a day or the week before, I probably would’ve done it or considered it or had more time to help her out with the problem in her room. The other crazy part is that I considered doing it out of hesitation (and that anxiety feeling I get when I’m around her occasionally because her energy can be a lot) when she asked me and sent me all those texts that day thinking she/the situation would BLOW up if I didn’t even though I was pre occupied, and I was right. I needed a freaking break from you after all that. Like in September, yeah I neeD SPACE from you after you tell me my opinion and what I’m saying is irrelevant and pointless to bring up and then when I very calmly try to talk to you about it you say “you can say the same thing to me, nothing I say is personal, I’m not gonna say nothing like you’re telling me to do”. Really??? I’m not telling you not to do anything I said I would never say to you that something you said was irrelevant or pointless to bring up because it’s rude as hell. I also would never accuse you of not genuinely trying to understand something I was saying even though you’ve done that to me SEVERAL TIMES. Saying that shuts down any room for conversation, why the hell would I try to talk things out with you again after you went so far and especially if you told me you think I’m not even trying to genuinely understand. It’s ridiculous and so freaking hurtful over something that could’ve been so simple and nothing. It’s like what Derek said, if she already thinks that and told you allll that other stuff she said over you saying no very respectfully, I don’t know what talking would do besides cause more issues, which that (among other reasons) is why I had to decide to get her out of my life and keep up boundaries with her. I needed peace and calm and to be my silly, self laughing and joking around with my family and my husbands family. I need to focus and ready my body and my mental state. I need therapy and exercise and we’ve had a lot of family come visit from out of state on both of our sides. I need to focus on work and my future and my sweet, sweet baby who is so special and such a miracle and has brought so much love and excitement and just pure joy into our families and friends lives I can’t even believe it. I love that he was conceived during an eclipse and is going to be born during one like how I was! We always said Derek is the sun, I’m the moon, and we have our little eclipse :) It makes me really emotional and just so grateful. I still think everything happens when it’s supposed to and that everything is everything, everyone’s perspective matters, everything EVERYthing is love. There’s nothing more powerful. I’m trying to do my best to keep spreading that and peace just like before.
The way the mouse in the balcony closet issue in April went vs the November incident is so different but they both should’ve have been non issues. It was in a common area, there was ACTUALLY a rodent caught not sounds she’d been hearing in her room for a while, and most importantly she didn’t come at me impatiently, she saw it and let me know about it, we solved it together, and I didn’t happen to be in distress at the time like I was in November. The timing of that is still crazy to me because any other day I probably would’ve been able to help her out. November could’ve also been that simple but she was being an asshole. Yes it is “our” apartment. Freaking Duh.
I said I couldn’t help it didn’t matter what it was, she couldn’t accept that and started a whole saga and when I finally after being very patient with her, erupted she decided she was done. She’s not asking me if I felt like she was genuinely trying to understand, I’m asking her that. Cause it’s trauma for me, why would my best friend say that to me over something so trivial? I didn’t do anything wrong in saying no, but that’s what was the beginning of the end and the start of a major tantrum where some true colors came out and I think that speaks volumes.
I think I give too much of a fuck about what other people think and I’m starting to get out of that thank God. She used to be my bestfriend so I did care what she thought. I’m just tired of being hurt by her and I saw a lot last year that I realized I’m just not going to tolerate and that I don’t have to. My life is better and more calm when she’s not in it. I still miss her a lot and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Her last hurtful words to me echo in my head often. In a lot of ways I think we are just not compatible we’re REALLY different people. I have dreams where we’re hanging out and everything is okay/how it used to be. I didn’t deserve the way you came at me and yeah, I do feel like I’m owed an apology or acknowledgment of that because you were honestly being a jerk at a time where I was very vulnerable and as I told you, stressed out, but I can accept that that might not ever happen. Yeah not understanding eachother is okay and normal, there have been countless times where I felt like you weren’t understanding me, the way you were talking to me in September/November + the zoning out and contestant talking over me, that shit is so hurtful and not okay and I’m not entertaining it anymore from anyone. I hate that I’ve been so sad during a time like this in my life it’s like I’m grieving the loss of the friendship but also so happy about the baby and my family but I also miss you and your family and I’ve had so many family events I wish I could’ve invited you too. Derek has been on the world wide aunty tour and FaceTimes lol. I still care about her and love her. I think if I didn’t I wouldn’t still get so randomly angry or want an apology. I just want to be cordial. I don’t want to wake up and go to sleep thinking about her anymore and her words that hurt me so badly. The anxiety is hell. It. Is. Hell. And I would think about her vicious words everyday at such a precious time in my life before realizing certain things. Neither of us expected moving in to go this way and I’m still processing the pain and it kind of validated my feelings when I showed my therapist and she said yeah most people would be done after something like that but I wanted to see if she’d ever take ownership or apologize because it hurt so bad. Our friendship definitely ended that day and it was already on quite shaky grounds because of previous behavior.
There were a lot of times where I just let things go because she would get defensive and not give a real apology, the “I’m sorry if that hurt you” “I’m sorry if you took it that way” which I knew she wasn’t TRYING to be hurtful and I valued our friendship so I let a lot of things just go. I don’t want to be friends with someone like this anymore and there’s no point in continuing to try to talk things out when there’s a pattern of how things go. Like the way she brought up her case managers opinion on what’s appropriate or not for her to ask me to do is very obviously hurtful and and rude to me but she’ll never see it. Just like how she’ll never see how saying all the things she said to me that day was wildly impatient and rude and manipulative. Most of the time when people are being manipulative it’s not intentional they’re just trying to get their point across but it’s really ugly and it’s not okay. It’s not okay for her to talk to me like that and be so unapologetic about it, again. It wasn’t the first time by far. That’s a BIG, big part of why we’re not friends anymore. The timing is another and I don’t think it was completely random honestly. I had some very very serious life changing and honestly terrifying things to figure out at the same time and it was the hardest time in my life. I really don’t need to waste my time on such hurtful and pointless things AGAIN at too important of a time like this. We were too different, always knew we were, to live together but it was convenient for both us and I never expected for her to be the level of rude she was with me as many times as she was. I think it’s just how she operates with people without realizing it but the lack of social awareness really rubs me the wrong way. The pointing thing was small but her defensive reaction to me first of all apologizing for hurting her first and foremost (something she can’t do for me) and then saying it makes me uncomfortable being around that spoke volumes. The whole conversation was a good example of how fundamentally different we are when it comes to certain just life things + how we respond to eachother feeling hurt/taking accountability.
I’ve come a long way in terms of my mental health and just growing more confident as a person. I want to raise my son to know when to speak and when to say what to say. I want him to be confident and know who he is. I feel like I finally know what I’m about and I know what my intentions are. I just want peace and I love when people tell me they feel that calm energy when they’re around me. I hope my baby feels like that too. I want to read my books and cook and be with Derek and laugh and laugh. I love when our families get together. I love living with Derek and growing our little baby that we love sooo much I can’t even believe it. I write lovely letters to him and take pictures of all the things Derek and I and the families do to get ready for him. I love reading to him. Life is good. It’s really rare and precious.
It wasn’t just miscommunication. I think she can be really sweet and thoughtful at times but also, a straight up asshole at others like here. Like we kept getting into these riffs over things that are nothing! Non issues. And it wasn’t because of me. You go so far over things that just don’t matter. I said no and you didn’t want to hear it from the beginning. I’ll never understand how she doesn’t see how pushy and rude she was being. We don’t have to understand eachother but the RESPECT needs to be there without defensiveness, Jesus I can only take so much. Especially since I already expressed to her that I had a lot on my plate and couldn’t give her my full attention. I told her I can’t help and she really responded “no that’s why I just wanted you to” yeah I got what you wanted me to do. I said no. Who responds to a decline of a request with “no”????? And even THAT I didn’t let phase me cause I was thinking okay her impatience has nothing to do with me.
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making-use-of-a-brain · 8 months ago
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Cognitive Distortions (Long Writing/Vent)
I'm in my therapist's office. It's half-past-noon; the clock is exactly fifty-two minutes fast. I know because Kathy left to get a printout and in the thirty seconds she was gone, I frantically pulled out my phone and did the math, because I hate this place and I want to count down every single fucking second until I can be out of here.
I really fucking hate this place.
Kathy hands me the printout. COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: MIND-READING. We go over it. Kathy reminds me of a teacher I had in middle school: "Here's a piece of paper you can read with your own eyeballs. Emotions are not facts. Read it. Read it again. I'll remind you emotions are not facts. Now I'm going to read it aloud to you in the most paint-drying, grass-growing voice God has ever given to someone. By the way, emotions are not facts. Now I'm going to reiterate every point on the page. Did I mention that emotions are not facts?"
I nod and smile and try not to say "I guess," because to me it's a filler phrase to diffuse tension but to her it's a sign I'm holding something back. In her defense, I usually am, but if I'm not planning on saying it, waterboarding couldn't get it out of me. Her repeated asking doesn't stand a chance.
Anyway, there's nothing on the page I haven't tried before. Besides, how am I supposed to know the line between being a decent person with some semblance of empathy -- emphasis on semblance, by the way, because I'm faking it, I think -- and COGNITIVE DISTORTION: MIND-READING. If you don't think about the little signals people drop to key you in to how they feel behind their polite façade, then you're an inconsiderate brat. If being considerate takes effort and you put in that effort, then you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. A fella can't win, but I've made my choice: the latter seems less harmful.
Later, I'm sitting at my computer, idling in a group chat with two of my favorite people. They're married. And thirty. I can count the number of people who actually regularly text me back on one hand, and they're two of 'em. Except one of them has been quiet lately. I think he dislikes me. That makes two of us. I think he isn't telling me because his wife happens to want to keep me around. Her reasoning is beyond me.
I can't decide whether the idea feels like death itself or if I'm okay with it because I don't need either of them and if he has a problem with me, that's his problem and he can bring it up directly.
What I can decide is that the latter half of that dilemma makes me feel awful inside. He's my friend. Or, if my suspicions are right, he was my friend. Who gives a shit about past tense? He was good to me. He helped me. I wish I'd gotten the chance to return the favor. Maybe returning the favor looks something like leaving him the fuck alone.
Maybe returning the favor looks something like telling his wife we can't be friends anymore, because I'm a messed up person and I know it's only a matter of time before I mess up irreparably badly and cause more collateral damage than I can ever hope to make up for, and I probably won't even feel that bad about it. Now that I think about it, she's been quiet, too.
Maybe returning the favor looks something like going to sleep and never waking up.
Kathy would tell me that's all COGNITIVE DISTORTION: MIND-READING, maybe with a side of CATASTROPHIZING.
But Kathy's not here right now. My conscience is, though, and it's telling me that deep down, I'm just wired a little wrong. It's nobody's fault, but it is my responsibility to not be obnoxious. To not be a problem. To not be a crisis anyone else has to deal with. It's telling me that I have to earn my keep and, if I can't do that, then I have to take my leave and find someone else to go all parasite on until they can't take it anymore and the cycle starts all over again. That, or I could stop altogether, I guess.
Easier said than done, though.
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gatun-gatunesco · 1 year ago
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Once again, i am bothered. Looks like this time is going to stay for who knows how long.
Sure, the rage and violence urges sometimes appear, but do not stay more than a hour or two. But to be bothered for more than a couple of days? that is new. And yet, it does not surprise me.
How many times to they broke my heart? how much care, love, advice, worry, attention and help was wasted in a single day? did they told me the whole story or do they skipped stuff again to not cause “more” damage? why they can not learn from they mistakes? why they can not put a stop and be careful? why allowing him to do as he please again?
And yet, the most hurtful thing is that they were reciprocal. Whatever he did, they returned it. The first time was worse of course. To the maximum escalation (if there is not skipped stuff). But to let it happen again? really? after the damage it caused? against all the people who told them how bad it was? how they dared to do such thing? to choose that over professional help? the help that might fix them, the help that is keeping them alive.
For what? some FUCKING ALCOHOL and SEXY TIMES?! WITH THEY MF ABUSER?!!! The bitch already chose someone else! And they chose to broke my heart over him?! “Is just a friend” they said at first. “I do not like you anymore, i like him, but i still love you” continues. “I did not replaced you, both are different” they can not have both!! i did not agree to something like that.
When we were together, they were jealous to (apparently) every single woman that talked to me. They wanted to have all the attention and do not share me. But did i need to be fine with them being surrounded with mens? I did that tho. I was not jealous because i trusted them to only have eyes for me as i did for them. Mistake. The rest is history. Yes, i also made mistakes, i never said i was perfect, and even made my own sins who still haunt me to this day. But i knew i was wrong from the very start, denied the tentations, tried to stop, apologized once it finished and went to fix my mistakes shortly after i understood what i did. Learned from that, as it caused trauma to both of us. That is were the disappointment and anger took place. When they chose that dangerous kind of social interaction for they current state, knowing full well he was going to be there and that it was not a good idea. Going against what all the people who care for them said (except for that group who "social pressure" them to go)
"I wanted to make everyone happy" i can hear they defense. "I do not know why i did that" is they reason. I am tired of that, is a trigger for me, from the trauma of being cheated. I hope they never suffer that, but sometimes i wish it happen so they could understand how it feels. Him choosing someone else over them after having all they body and retraction of having romantic emotions towards them is the closer thing. And it hurts so much because i still like, love and desire them, even when i know is not correct. Our time together was over way before that happen. I would not care if it was something before our relationship, but it was after, when they knew very well how i felt for them. It was with him. Twice now. I guess that is the issue now. That it happened again. That they were reciprocal again even when he used them AGAIN. That they are destroying themselfs following a unhealthy road. Perhaps i am only being salty and mad because i can not get over my feelings for them and have not found someone else who like, who desire me, who love me. But i am to tired to make a sense of it.
I am so lonely in nights like this. Well, in general now. Alone in my department the whole day. All my friends busy, my therapist locked in a schedule, family that will not understand and that is far away. I can not sleep, i can not be in peace, i am still worried about them. They are suicidal afterall. Will they still take my offer and call me if they need me? Do i still help them tho? Should i not care at all? They best friend said we need to take distance. She is the one who knows them better, i should do as she said, more since she just dealt with something similar. Between my pain and dissapointment, i believe is the right choose. Why i do not like it then? Is the right thing to do.
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