#the guy has gotta be smelli as shit

[kkqueergurl]

my shitty synopsis of song of achilles

So basically Patroclus was this super chill guy who like used to be a prince but he got banished by his asshole father at age 10 for accidentally murdering someone. (Oops?) Then he goes to another kingdom and meets the prince there who is Achilles. And Achilles is like the son of a king and some goddess chick named Thetis. And he’s like rly strong and hot. Like rly hot. (awooga awooga am I right?) And Patroclus notices it. So they besties forever. Like roomates (omg they were roomates) and they are like 2 bros chillin in a hot tub but not five feet apart cause they TOTALLY GAY. But then Achilles tells twink- I mean Patroclus, that he’s ditching him to go get buff and train with Chiron (a half horse dude) So Patroclus kisses him. Then promptly runs away. As one does. When he wakes up the next morning he’s like “oh shit my mans gone!” So he runs the entire like 7 miles up the mountain so he can meet him halfway. Then he joins him up the mountain and they train and live together. But then Achilles gets kidnapped by his mom and sent to this place and is forced to dress up like a girl and be in the princesses court but is also expected to marry the princess or smth cause she’s prego. But Patroclus finds him and is like “wtf” and they leave. Then they kiss again and now they are in love again. Then it’s been like a few years or smth and the war is going on so the soldiers are like “Achilles needs to help us, he can bring the twink” and Achilles is like “bet” so they go and live together at the camp. Then after like a lot of months Achilles has to marry this girl so Patroclus is like “damnit my man isn’t my man” but then the girls creepy ass father sacrifices her at the alter. And Achilles all freaked and runs away. Then they cry a bit and are in love again. Then Achilles has to fight and Patroclus is like “wtf don’t die?!” So he joins him (kinda) and stands on the platform waiting for hubby to come back. Then he is like “no I gotta fight” so he puts on armor and goes out there. Then instantly gets killed. So Achilles grabs his body and brings it back to his room. Not creepy at all… then everyone’s like “dude get the smelly corpse out of ur room” so he goes to avenge his mans and does so. But then dies. Then he’s like “we gotta be buried together” but his so called son shows up and says “uh no that’s weird my father wouldn’t say that” despite never meeting him, meaning Achilles and Patroclus can never be together again. Dun dun duhhhhhhhh. 

The end 

[harrywavycurly]

Life with Steve and Eddie: Random Convos

Masterlist: Here

A/N: Because sometimes you just need to ask your two guy besties some questions…some maybe be a little more random than others✨

“Why do boys not shower everyday?” “Uh do I look like a guy who doesn’t shower?…She’s totally talking to you Munson.” “Get fucked Harrington I shower everyday and sometimes twice a day…who’s the smelly dude in question?” “Yeah who’s stinking up your personal space with their lack of hygiene?” “No one I was just wondering…after a while you all just…get this smell…it’s weird.” “It’s just man.” “Pardon me? It’s just what?” “Yeah Eddie…it’s what?” “It’s just man smell…you know like when your after shave and shit wears off? And you’re just left with…your…scent…” “you call that…just man smell?” “Yes?…what? You’re gonna try to tell me it doesn’t make sense?” “No that’s the thing…it actually does…” “Munson making sense? That’s terrifying…” “you’re both a bunch of assholes.”

“Would you sleep with me?” “What the fu-” “I’m sorry what did you just ask us?” “I’m just curious…am I cute?” “Totally…adorable.” “She doesn’t wanna hear she’s adorable Harrington she wants to know if she’s fuckable you dick.” “Oh uh well yeah…yeah..you…are.” “Smooth Steve…really fucking smooth…and to think you were once upon a time such a ladies man…” “fuck off Munson I just wasn’t prepared to be asked if I’d fuck my bestfriend while trying to enjoy a day at the lake.” “I don’t want to know if you’d personally sleep with me Steve I’m just curious if I’m…attractive in general.” “Yes..you are a thousand percent attractive…to anyone that has decent eye site.” “Thanks Eddie.” “Steve?” “Yes I agree you’re very attractive.” “Dude relax she’s not gonna jump your bones Jesus go take a dip…” “sorry sorry I’m just…is there a reason you’re asking? Did someone say something to you?” “Yeah do we need to add a name to the ass kicking list?” “No…no it’s not that I was just curious that’s all.” “Promise?” “Yes Steve I promise…now let’s go swimming.”

“Can you feel your feet?” “Oh fuck.” “What’s wrong?” “Steve! Can you feel your feet?…mine are off.” “Oh fuck.” “My thoughts exactly…she’s a goner.” “We’ve been at this party what? An hour?…how is she already gone? It was your turn to watch her Munson.” “Watch her? I’m not a babysitter Steve that’s literally your job.” “I was gonna take over for the next hour you asshole we agreed!” “Oh look someone gave me a sho-” “no more shots for you missy…give that to Harrington he needs to loosen up.” “Let’s just…put her on the couch and get her some snacks and she’ll be fine for like an hour or so…” “Steven Andrew Harrington we are not going to force feed our drunk bestfriend snacks so we can party for an extra hour…Jesus man it’s just a house party you dickwad.” “You’re right…we take her home and tuck her in then come back.” “Exactly…gotta make sure she’s safe and sound then we can come back.” “You’re…you’re…gonna party without…me?” “Not the shaky lip…Steve she’s doing the shaky lip.” “Listen…we just want to reach your level that’s all but it takes us a little longer and you’re…well your feet are turned off right?” “Oh god you’re right! They are!” “So we need to get you home so they can recharge.” “Yes exactly what Eddie said…gotta get you home so your feet can get ready for tomorrow.” “Okay! My bed can fit all our feet.” “Fuck me…I knew she was gonna say that.” “Give it to me straight Harrington…We aren’t coming back are we?” “You know her bed is like quicksand…once we lay in it there’s no getting out till tomorrow morning..” “damn her and her magical fucking bed…I just wanted to get drunk…” “sorry Munson…grab her left arm I’ll get her right.” “She fucking owes us…” “oh she doesn’t owe us shit this is what friends are for.” “God I just love you guys.” “We love you too.”

[sydmarch]

Who is Angus to Evrart?

full dialogue of the scene that line is from:

You - "Tell me about Titus Hardie and his crew."

Evrart Claire - "Oh, they are simply fine young men -- all seven of them! Exemplary Union members. Always working to advance their position in the local socialist-democratic movement. Core members."

Evrart Claire - "Old Theo used to run them, but things really *kicked into gear* when Titus took the reins and named the group after himself." He starts laughing. "Gotta love his initiative." You - "What more can you tell me? Who's second in command? Who's the most violent?"

Evrart Claire - "Harry, they're almost all of them *great* guys, born leaders. Whatever happened, I'm sure they only had the best interests of Revachol in mind."

Evrart Claire - "Work with them -- hell, interview them! But don't fight them. They really are just like you -- men who like beer, women, and some *order* on the streets."

Half Light - Separate one from the herd. You - "So let me ask you this... Which one of Hardie's boys is your least favourite?"

Evrart Claire - "Oh, that would definitely be Fat Angus. His feet smell from a city-block away and he's always having noisy stomach troubles. Horrible, revolting guy."

You - "So let's say something happens to Fat Angus... let's say a citizen's arrest..."

Evrart Claire - "You would die, Harry," he says, grinning. "You would die and in the process start a bloody and completely unnecessary war between the Débardeurs' Union and the Citizens Militia."

Evrart Claire - "Angus, his ever-growling stomach, and his smelly feet are all part of the Union. You have as much right to *arrest* him as he has to arrest you... "

Evrart Claire - "...actually less, because it's his home and his backyard. You are a guest here, Harry. Please remember that."

Evrart Claire - "Oh Harry..." He starts laughing. "This is getting real grim and there's no need for that. We are friends." He sits back and looks you in the eye with a wide smile.

i love thinking about this dialogue in comparison to when you get his real opinion on the hardies:

Evrart Claire - "Harry, I bugged her cabin. I bugged her whole boat. I had cameras surveying her boat. Hell I even wanted to bug that thermal cup, but my boys advised against it."

Savoir Faire - They must have done it while Joyce was busy questioning the locals. You - "So you've been listening to our conversations all the time?"

Evrart Claire - "Not me personally..." he stretches his arms like a discus thrower. "I had guys recording and processing this information for me." You - "The Hardie boys?"

Evrart Claire - "Hell no!" he exclaims. "They'd fuck it up. They can't do anything right. I mean my *real* boys. My special task force boys."

Kim Kitsuragi - "Where are these boys?"

Evrart Claire - "They sure as hell aren't hanging out in the open with beers in their hands for the cops to question." He bursts out laughing. "They're pros, Mr. Kitsuragi."

he doesn't like angus & doesn't even like or trust the hardies as it turns out! and yet i do 100% believe that he meant it when he said harry would die & it would start a war between the rcm and the union. not because he really cares about the hardies personally but because it would reaffirm the union's power/obviously they would have to respond to something like that. but finding knowing his true thoughts about the hardies casts an interesting light on this convo:

You - "The remaining mercenaries are organizing a tribunal to take on the Hardies."

Evrart Claire - "Tribunal?" He appears aghast. "That sounds *serious* Harry. We Union men should be *shitting* ourselves..." He rubs his chin and smiles suddenly: "I wish you hadn't told me that. I'm gonna lose *sleep* over this. Let's change the subject."

Empathy - He's clearly happy about the tribunal.

You - "You don't *seem* too worried about it." Evrart Claire - "Oh, Harry, what do I *really* think about the tribunal? You're trying to climb to second base with old Evrart before you've even courted him properly."

obviously he's happy about the tribunal because his end goal is to start a war with wild pines but there's a total lack of concern for the hardies both here where they come up specifically or for the union in general when discussing the prospect of a war with harry:

You - "Have you ever heard what two Giant Seraise Hornets can do to an entire colony of bees? They destroy it."

Evrart Claire - "I have. It's a great story, Harry." He nods. "Did you also know how the bee colony kills the giant hornet? They swarm and blanket it entirely, until it suffers a *massive heat stroke* and dies." Empathy - He crosses his hands, contently, thinking of the interior temperature of the wasp rising. Endurance - They cook it alive in its exoskeleton.

Evrart Claire - "Harry, we outnumber them fifteen hundred to one. And that's just Martinaise. With all the unions in Revachol -- and with public opinion on our side -- we can hold off two men. Or fifteen men. Or even fifty men."

Evrart Claire - "The more they send, the worse it's going to look for them. They made a *huge* mistake hiring those guys. *No one* likes foreign mercenaries. The leftists hate them, the fascists hate them, even the moralists think they're *in bad taste*."

is he really just that confident in the union? does he view the hardies specifically as expendable because he doesn't have much faith in them? or are his real thoughts more along the lines of "yeah people are probably gonna die but if that's what it takes then so be it"? we already know he's willing to kill if need be but i'd imagine he'd view tiphaine holly (an ineffective leader who's his direct opponent) differently from the members of the union he's supposed to be looking out for... we can never get his opinion on the tribunal after it happens (screams cries throws up) but i could see him being overall satisfied with the outcome.

Evrart Claire - "What was always going to happen. We take the harbour and she fucks off to Ozonne, uncorks a bottle of wine, calls her partners and says they need to distance themselves from this nasty business before the big shit spinner splashes everyone."

Evrart Claire - "Only difference is the Union doesn't have to lose 2,000 men to machine gun fire."

like, 3-7 deaths compared to 2,000? anyways this is so much more than the question you actually asked i just love to think about my fucked up little guy.

[alexalessandro]

I’ve been re-reading The Lightning Thief and I just gotta say it somewhere before I explode.

I think the series is going to be 10 times BETTER than the book.

There is so much that is irking me on a re-read that was fixed or better in the TV series.

I hate Grover’s wet cat characterization, it feels trope-y and weird and bad and if TV Grover acted like the book Grover in the first chapters of the lightning thief I’m pretty sure we would effin hate him.

I hate Sally’s characterization in the book, it makes no sense. “I’m sorry Percy I was selfish, I just wanted to keep you with me for as long as possible instead of sending you to camp”

Huh?

Girly this guy spent most of his life in boarding school after boarding school, you rarely see his ass what are we talking about? Also how tf was smelly Gabe supposed to cover him all the way out at Yancy??? Is his smell Bluetooth compatible?

I love the new characterization of Sally AND Gabe, the only reason why Gabe was at all “scary” in the book is because Sally is a wet cat and I hate that characterization of her, it doesn’t solicit any empathy in me especially since her actions don’t make sense. How am I supposed to empathize when I can’t even understand her and when I can poke immediate blaring holes in the stuff the book is selling me?

I also hate Mr.D in the book, I know we’re trying to show that the gods are assholes but I think the way the tv series is doing it by having them be detached distanced assholes that only care about their kids when they can do shit for them is 100% more compelling. I’m sorry but in the first few chapters, Mr. D is even worse than Gabe.

I also hate the exposition in the book about how “the Gods follow the western flame” Oh okay American exceptionalism stfu, I think it’s way better to leave it as a soft unspoken “eh it was written by Americans” than what the books give us.

5 chapters in and I keep thinking “damn I wish I was watching the series instead”, “this is so much better in the tv series”, “damn I hate x character's characterization it’s way better in the TV series”

Another thing that I’m silently grateful for in the TV series is how disability isn’t a smokescreen for great mythological powers anymore.

Grover’s legs are covered by the mist, he’s a healthy satyr so he appears a healthy human (like I’m sorry you’re telling me the mist can erase the existence of an entire person, Mrs. Dodds, from everyone’s minds but satyr's legs are too much?), and Chiron has a brace in his Centaur form as well making him disabled instead of making his wheelchair “a container”.

So yeah, I think the TV series is 100% better than the book so far and all the changes they made make me excited or glad because they made me cringe in the original on a re-read, didn’t make sense to me, or made me care less about characters we’re supposed to care about to drive the story forward.

[the-beard-of-edward-teach]

random quotes/convos from my vc with my two friends i havent seen in months:

"a lot of time when your swimming you're just swimming through a lot of eggs..."

"and piss and shit"

"yes and sperm..."

"elephants release a smelly goo from their ears that let the ladies know that theyre down to clown. they pee their pants too"

"they wear pants?"

"well, no, but they pee and just try to make themselves as smelly as possible"

"kangaroos. kangaroos have short pregnancies"

keeps on talking but the call disconnects

New call starts

“flesh tic tacs??”

“baby kangaroos. They look like flesh tic tacs. Haven’t you seen a newborn kangaroo”

“no”

“why not”

“Im still confused why whale pregnancies take less time than elephant pregnancies. Elephant pregnancies are the longest mammal pregnancies. Nearly two years. They spend a lot of time cooking. Be glad you’re not an elephant.”

“i dont get why people say the males get pregnant with seahorses because okay but he isn’t really pregnant”

“it’s just the pouch”

“yes the pouch”

“he’s just a babysitter”

“Male emus raise the kids. i once saw online a thing that said: who would win a florida man or an emu”

“whats up with australian animals”

“i thing evolutionary—"

“revolutionary”

“sure”

“America”

“it would not be a dante’s inferno situation, actually if i leave i will write the equivalent of dante’s inferno then come back”

*presents 30 minutes of slideshow on tsams*

*presents a slideshow on ice age swapping the love interest*

"this guy realized that they cant have a mole be the love interest of a mammoth so they pretended that it didnt happen. I cant pretend"

*presents a slideshow on fictional characters they are endeared by*

"PETER LUKAS"

"NO PETER LUKAS"

"YES PETER LUKAS"

"FINE. PETER LUKAS"

"what did peter lukas do to warrant this reaction"

"HE HURT MARTIN"

"he was mean to martin. no one is mean to martin"

"no one is mean to martin"

*had silenced them to answer a call and just turned my volume back up*

"you should do a smash or pass with your faves"

"we should do it"

"WHAT DID I JUST COME BACK TO"

"i think you should a smash or pass with your faves. there are some of my faves who i would never"

"but would you ever to begin with?"

"no. nope. not at all"

"i would not kill jonathan sims. but would i marry him? i would kiss him on the hand."

"you gotta keep in mind that marrying is just roommates and being best friends."

"would i want to room with jonathan sims? no."

"i would kill victor frankenstein in an instant"

"i wouldnt wanna room with dracula"

"which of the classic halloween monsters would you want to room with"

"actually im down with dracula"

"really?"

"yeah"

"you'd be one of his brides?"

"sure"

"the fourth one?"

"actually i'd be his husband. I'd be dracula's husband."

"true. true true true"

proceeds to talk about how we dont wanna room with invisible man cause of general creepy vibes

"a group of platypuses is called a paddle"

"what about unicorns?"

"a blessing"

"a group of elephants is a memory"

"a group of owls is a parliament"

"this has to pass parliament: and its just a bunch of owls at a desk"

"a pandemonium of parrots"

[sl1tcl1t]

Life Update: Idk where else to write down my thoughts and experiences for almost the past year.

To get myself caught up with the last post I made from last year, it was my final year in HS and I never wanted to leave that rancid hél/hø\e so damn bad. I finally graduated and got into college. This freshman year is the absolute worst. On top of that, I couldn't get a dorm room, which is expected according to the hierarchy of classmen. But anyway, this year's schedule has been extraordinarily harmful to my physical and mentally. Since I don't have a dorm, I gotta commute to my classes every single day. In my case, I must drive all the way from the south to the city (1hr 30min on avg.) This is not a bad drive, unless u wanna beat the I-75/I-85 9 - 5 traffic. Which ALSO MEANS I gotta wake up at 4:00 am and leave the house by 5 if I want to arrive in time for my 8 and 10 am classes. Additionally, my last class during Mon,Weds, and Fri ends at 5pm. I don't get home till about 7. AND on top of all that, Tue and Thurs is when I work my part time shift. The latest my shift can end is at 7:30pm and it takes me at least 30 mins to get home. If I want to get the most sleep possible, I gotta be in bed by 9. My sleep schedule bc of this is incredibly fùçk3d up. Luckily, me and my friend made a little room for me to sleep in my car. Which is also another problem. Bc Im too damn sleep deprived, I oversleep multiple times and end up missing classes. Classes where I can't easily get a PowerPoint w/readily available info to write. I feel incredibly behind.

My mental and physical health has gotten progressively worse since I moved outta my mom's house. I really don't wanna get into grave detail abt my family, but TLDR; both parents are complexly problematic, but one's more flexible than the other. But, Jesus Christ Almighty, living with this man is insufferable. Nothing but complaining, guiltripping, nonchalant shaming, and being plain irritating. He brings a wave of negative energy anytime he enters a room. Granted, there are things that he complains about that are justified, but he's getting more and more senile everyday. So he just gets mad at anything now. It pisses me off but also makes me sad. Another thing is that work is overexerting my well-being whilst giving me such a low pay. For context, I work in a warehouse now. Lifting boxes every other day that are half the size of you will give you nausea. My feet have blisters and my hands are cramping. My calves burn, my entire arm is aching, and my head pounds harder than ever. My friend suggests that I might have burn out, and I believe it with every bone in my body. Working at a place that accepts newly hs grads, ofc there would be å$5h0lés my age and worse. The smell has gotten worse since I moved in w dad. He essentially lives in a white trash neighborhood, so the smell outside is horrendous. This smell has affected the inside of my house and now I reek. And the ppl at work love to remind me abt my smelly ass despite trying my hardest to mask it. I seriously cannot stand other day in there and hopefully I can get a new job this upcoming summer.

But apart from all this, the cherry on top of this shit show was today after work. I got off early and wanted to visit this little gravesite around in my area to take pics and upload on here. I chickened out. It's too damn dark for me to take any so I walked around, contemplating life per usual. I decided to go inside the convenience store. I asked if there were any sleeping pills/melatonin and the guy had asked a question that made my mind go blank,

"Are you homeless?"

Never in life would I hear those words issued to me, but if I'm gonna be completely honest, I live at my dad's house, not paying any bills or insurance (yet), I sleep in my car majority of the day, and I have the worst pay to labor ratio. So technically, Imma borderline broke ass freeloading bum. But anyway, I was even more in shock when he rang my items. I forgot my wallet in the car and told him I was going to run out n grab it, but he just gave me the bag with an empathetic, "it's okay". And now I feel like a piece of shit to completion. Bc in hindsight, Im not HOMELESS, but it damn sure feels like I am.

I can't believe Im turning into every person I've met in the workforce. Ppl who just live paycheck to paycheck and just let the days past by; not doing anything but working. I use to make fun of those ppl at my last job as a cashier while in HS, but seriously, I got the realest reality check of my life. I really cannot live a life like that for 30+ years if I can't figure something out by graduation. Else I'm better off with maggots in my eyes and my skin wilting in the ground.

I'm done ranting, I need some sleep.... GN and happy Halloween ✌🏽

[wonderful-bellies]

What about Phone Guy or Phone Dude? (People likes to call the person on the phone in FNAF 3 for "Phone Dude".)

Oh yeah!! I kinda like when Phone Guy's just like a good buddy of Mikes and Jeremys. He's definitely more responsible I think but he is still part of the dumbass gremlin party. The three of them share a braincell and Phone Guy has it 90% of the time.

As for Phone Dude, I tend to place FNAF 3 post Mike getting scooped so it's really funny to imagine him just being oblivious but well meaning and dragged along for the ride.

[dr4kenlvr]

can i 💤 in ur bed, i sh!tted in mine lol

pairing: most of the toman boys x gn!reader (separate)

genre: crack/humour (writing this was so wack help)

request: Hey I hope you had a good day. I don’t know if you’re taking requests or not but if you are ... may I request a headcanon of tokrev guys reacting to reader saying “hey can I sleep in your bed I shit in mine”? (Based on a tiktok)

a/n: HELPPPPP this is so funny im dying imagining the look on ken's face,, also i did a mini scenario-like format to fit more boys in, hope that's alright! (they're basically smushed together headcanons) + um,, lots of swearing!! nana has a huge pottymouth but so do these boys

you've been meaning to pull this prank on him for a while, ever since you saw that tiktok. walking down the path to his room, you could barely supress your laughter. you creak open his door, standing there with a still expression before telling him, "hey.. can i sleep in your bed? i shit in mine."

mikey: he rubs his eyes and yawns at your sudden appearance at his door. this mf probably didn't hear you the first time, so he just goes "huh?" when you repeat yourself, his ears perk up and his eyes widen and he just bursts out laughing because what the fuck did you just say?? he's still laughing, moving the blanket over and pats down the place next to him. "you weirdo.."

draken: grumbles and rolls over at the intrusion, he stills for a moment before he processes what you just said. he sits up, "you what?" "i shit-" "no, be quiet, i heard you" he's looking at you with a face that could only be described as stanky and annoyed. (HELPPPP) either way he scooches over, but lays back down, not bothering to say anything else. the man is tired.

takemitchi: he definitely didn't hear you at first, honestly got scared when he woke up to someone at his door like that. you tell him again, and he just "HUH? YOU- YOU WHAT?" he sits up, and asks if you need help cleaning. "you'd do that for me? you'd help me clean my shit? he stumbles on his words, "well i mean... i don't really want to.."

baji: "huh?" he's looking at you with the most confused face ever, eyes squinting at the sudden light. you repeat your words. he just looks at you for a moment, looking at the clock and back at you. you stand there waiting for a response. finally he says, "that's fucking gross, y/n... get in."

chifuyu: he's passed out, so you gotta shake him up to tell him that you shitted in your bed. "wha.. what? what do you mean you shitted in your bed?-" he pauses, then sniffs his nose "huh, i guess you really did." you smack him gently, "stop omg i was joking!" he grins at you, bedhair and all, "me too babe- you smell great don't worry!"

kazutora: he is.. shocked to say the least. just looking at you like :o because it's so random. "um,, okay?" "that's it? just okay? so i can sleep with you?" you give him hopeful eyes. he looks around, "i mean i guess, but don't get shit stains on my bed, my mom will literally kill me."

mitsuya: "sorry love? did you just say you shitted in your bed?" you nod, shuffling your feet around for emphasis. "well.. did you clean it up yet?" you shake your head, "i was wondering if i could sleep in your bed.. and maybe you could help me clean it up..." "no." "huh?" "no, go to sleep y/n." mitsuya is tired of your shit, and hakkai's shit.

peh-yan: "HUH?? YOU WHAT IN YOUR BED?" you almost broke the act right then and there, i mean- when he's standing there in a white tank and tiger boxers, looking out of his mind, how could you compose yourself? "yeah ryohei.. could i sleep with you?" "fuck no, no, let's go clean it, what the fuck."

smiley: he looks at you like -o- for a while,, until a huge smile appears on his face and he just goes: "get out then you smelly bitch!"

taglist: @dai-tsukki-desu @faetarou (send an ask or dm to be added)

[p4latinus]

toots [part 2] | genshin characters [crack headcanons]

characters: bennett, fischl, venti, raiden ei, dainsleif, scaramouche, kamisato ayaka

genre: crack/fluff/humour (sfw), headcanons

tw:  the entirety of this is purely fart humour lol, mild references to shit

part 1 available here . 

bennett ✰

i have 2nd hand embarrassment

his farts r an earthquake

like a richter scale would be off charts

gift him a pack of diapers

pls i’m begging

on a lucky day he gets caught for farting

but doesn’t shit himself

smells like eggs + salmonella

no but do u guys know how bad egg farts are

like how much they stink???

bennett’s farts sound like eggs boiling in a shell.

fischl ✰

farts in soprano

talks over her fart to cover it up

“why yes, it was the divine flatulence of prinzessin der verurteilung. one shall experience such satisfaction & serendipity aft a SPLENDID BANQUET TO BE FEASTED UPON WITH THE MOST EXQUISITE members of court.”

yells to suppress the volume

oz’s last words: mein frauline… *tanjiro disgusted face*

no but it’s like gacha

sometimes her farts are loud

but sometimes they are quiet

or they stink like a mf—

either way she will over explain & complicate her reason to fart or wtv

venti ✰

… there’s a reason why dvalin beefs w venti

barsibatos more like barsiba-no

he’s drunk most of the time

so his farts gotta be nasty

poor diluc probably hates his job

as a god, he could renew his organs anw

no big deal am i right?

but his farts smell like he held them since the archon war

i’d rather throw myself off the cathedral than to smell venti’s silent wind breakers

probably would use his anemo power to prank others

smell a sudden whiff of diffusion? he blew it to u.

raiden ei ✰

bro i’m laughing my ass off over this

she is so used to farting w every yoga pose in her euthymia

plus no one heard her farts for centuries

the puppet shogun was not programmed to fart anw

ei … oh ei…

her diet consists of junk food & desserts so it’s inevitably horrendous

no pun but her farts would be thunderously loud

plus it can go on for so long bruh

even yae miko would turn to her like

‘this mf hitting the third gear’

dainsleif ✰

his pants r so tight, i just know that the gas particles r suffocating

like father free me pls… *chokes*

doesn’t seem smelly tho

just kinda high pitched

idk his farts seem cowardly to me

like they are too afraid of ripping a hole in his tight ass pants

if he wiggled his ass, his pants would rip & then his farts would be unleashed

like an abyssal roar

BAAAAADDOOOOMMMM PROOOOOOOTTTTT PRAAAATTATATATATAT PREEEEEEET BOOOOM PRAAAAAATT POOOOTTTOTOTOTOOTT PRETRETRETE PREEETTT

probably why those husks couldn’t forget dainsleif

like if u heard *that*, i don’t think u would either…

scaramouche ✰

oh god lol

it smells like pencil shavings & taco bell

a puppet has to clean its system ok

no but srsly what was ei thinking

considered to use his fart as a medieval torture device ONCE

then figured it would be too embarrassing if the culprit lived

instead he farts leisurely in his own room

kinda short & snappy like his temper

some what high pitched & airy farts

ayaka ✰

good lord she is good at holding her farts

but when she goes back to the kamisato estate

thoma secretly wishes to quit his job

loud whirling farts echoing down the hallway from the bathroom

everyone would suspect it’s ayato

until some uwu chick comes out like “delighted to make ur acquaintance”

nah man u gotta run

if only her farts smell like sakura petals

but they smell like powdered collagen induced mala hotpot

ok but if she was desperate to fart in public, she would hide in a cryo sprint

so the floor would be a wet puddle of ice and a slight bubble cracking the surface

it probably sounds crunchy

[arcaneviolence]

getting my friend who has never seen the witcher to rate various ships based on vibes alone

F- friend M - me

Up first - Geralt and Jaskier

F- its giving sun and moon- like big sunshine boy here (points at Jaskier) and big grumpy moon stinky man here (points at Geralt)

M - you think hes stinky??

F - yes.

M - why???

F - I sniffed him he is stinky

M- (laughing)

F - he needs a bath smelly boy

M - sunshine boy does bathe him 

F - thats why they are married sunshine boy keeps smelly man clean 

M - sick

F - I bet they’ve explored eachothers bodies

M- skudgsurlghsugkeu

F - I know a little bit based on your posts and I think they are really good friends for a long time so they probably boned at least a few times before romanticaly boning

M - romantic bonning is great but you ever have a pie (quoting a markiplier makes video)

F - (laughing)

Geralt and Yennefer

F - Why are her eyes purple?

M - she part elf

F - why would that make her eyes purple?

M - because genetics 

F - Its cool she seems fruity

M - mmm understandable

F - its serving stars (points to Geralt) and night sky (points to Yen)

M - WAIT SHUT THE FUCK UP THATS SO CUTE

F - and like the sun is a star and his eyes are yellow and the silver hair is silvery stars, and then her hair is black like the nightitme and purple eyes could be like a pretty galaxy

M - YOU SHUT UP NOW THIS IS JUICY

F - he could also be the moon aswell as the stars. She is the night sky that craddles him, the stars and moon, and makes him feel safe. She also provides a good backdrop for him to be seen and heard and admired like he should be.

M - I’m going to shit myself. 

F - I’m a fan of them

F - Bi wife energy

Yennefer and Jaskier

F - SUNSHINE BOY IS BACK AND HES BROUGHT HIS WIFEY

M - do you like sunshine boy?

F - love sunshine boy

M - understandable

F - its like emo gf himbo bf

M - hes actually very smart, he studied poetry and- (F cuts me off)

F - dont care himbo

M - okay

F - he wears hawaiian shirts and always has ice cream and she binge eats chocolate and wear like black silk slip dresses around the house all the time like a sexy rich woman

M - yeah I can see tha- (F cuts me off again)

F - they are like Gonzo and camilla

M - THE MUPPET AND THE CHICKEN??

Yennefer and Triss

F - what is it with this show and sun and moon gay people

M - I think sun and moon ships tend to jsut be inherently gay even if they arnt

F - true

(long puase)

F - they are like buttercups and the wither rose

M - FROM MINECRAFT??

F - yeah

M - how??

F - yellow and black

M - fair enough

Triss and Geralt

F - This feels wrong

M - why?

F - dont like

M - dont like what?

F - I feel like its very unrequited, or its like a ‘parents thought they were cute as kids cause they were friends of the opposite gender and tried to push it, and maybe it worked at one point but it got really uncomfortable’ kinda thing.

M - thats very specific

F - I feel very specific about them.

Eskel and Geralt

F -I like this guy (points to Eskel)

M - yeah?

F - mm hmm. Hes someones scrimblo for shizzle. 

M - fow shizzle. 

F - I feel like they were rivals at one point.

M - really?

F - mmm... actually no they were like reallly close when they were young but drifted apart and now after meeting again old sparks and sparkling again

M - ooooh that sounds like a fanfic waiting to happen

F - i wanna read it gimmi

Lambert and Coen

F - I wanna slap it

M - slap what?

F - (points to coens head)

M - you wanna slap his bald head?

F - I bet the ginger guy spit shines that shit every morning

M - (laughing) 

F - gotta make sure the birds have something to gaze longingly at themselves in

M - (more lauging )

F - The ginger one reminds me of animal

M - what animal?

F - no like the muppet

M - why are you on a muppet spree today

F - love those guys

M - what muppet is the bald one like?

F - jack black

M - HES NOT A MUPPET??

F - BUT HE WAS IN A MUPPET MOVIE!!

M- SO??

if you think I should force them to review more things do tell

[gumbxz]

steve harrington x afro latina!reader

you were invited to a party you reaaally didn’t feel like going to, just because you didn’t like how all of the guys were all up in your business askin you to stay or catch a ride with them, but didn’t have eyes for any of these pendejos. you only had eyes for steve harrington. he was one handsome bastard. and you wanted nothing more to kiss him and make him squirm by doing the bare minimum.

genre// nsfw-ish(just kissing ig and grinding…), light racism..(from the um..racist frat boys 🤭) men want her, women want her too, steve NEEDS her

🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆

“so what’s a hot latin girl like you doin out here in hawkins, ey mama ?”

“c’mon don’t be shy, we know you hotties can talk with those mouths of yours. surely you can show us what else they can do.”

you were sat in the middle between to gringos. two of them that you obviously had no interest in, but they still tried. all you could do was sit with a cold bitch face while holding a cup of apple juice. you knew damn well that they’d try doing something if they even got the chance to do anything with you, if you were drunk. so you made them have somewhat hope. apple juice and alcohol looked the same. and they were too dumb to tell the difference.

“you know you’re really pretty for a mexican girl, who’s like black at the same time.”

“honestly bro, you get it from your mom? tell us about her.”

they just wouldn’t shut up. so you got up from the smelly couch and pulled your dress down, they had been riding up your thighs, giving everyone a perfect view as they glimmer in the light.

“sorry pesados. i gotta go and um, pee. nice talking.”

“wait - don’t leave — hey what does pesados mean dude..”

“..probably hot in espanol or spanish.”

“righteous.”

they said while fist bumping, their lazy eyes searching the room for their next victim.

it really was disappointing being a brown girl that was born from an unlikely pair. mixed brown girls weren’t very common in the 1980s, but your parents didn’t care, and neither did you. it’s just people being dumb.

you accidentally pump into a hard chest, ripping you away from your thoughts.

“woah shit- sorry. didn’t see you there.”

it was him. it was steve harrington. you fought the urge not to say “hey zaddy” but you had to stay focused at the sight of him. he was tall. had pretty eyes. pretty lips. pretty hair. he was just so.. pretty.

in steve’s mind- he wasn’t the only one internally spiraling out of control. he wanted a taste. you looked good in a dress that held your curves. the strap falling off your shoulder revealing skin, even if it was already thin.you weren’t entirely small compared to him but damn. you had curves and all ! damn was all he could really say.

“hey you’re the um uh-“

he has a hand against his forehead, trying to think of the right words.

“- the mixed girl?”

“no the uh- shit what was it.. oh right! you kicked jason in the nuts after he said something racist about you. deserved in my opinion.”

he snaps his fingers after finally remembering. you smile at his pride and just nod your head.

“yep. that’s me. he fuckin deserved it, that’s for sure. you can call me (y/n).. or maybe make a nickname for me too if you’d like.”

“got any spanish terms? i’m sorry if that comes off as stereotypical..”

“nah is’ fine, calling me ‘chica’ is alright.”

“chica ? sounds like chicken, oh wait ! it means chick.”

“ding ding, gringo.”

“what does that mean-“

you couldn’t finish your sentence until hearing the same familiar drunken voices again, the music clearly unable to blare out their voices.

“yo mami! you left us hangin..watchu doin ovah here with steve harrington.”

“..steve harrington- more like smelly hairingtoes.. haha.”

they both felt proud of themselves and clapped, you felt a soft grasp on your waist and looked down for a bit.

“can’t you guys buzz off, we’re in the middle of something. “ you look up and see steve holding you like you were his girl. it did things to you. things you didn’t think you had the courage to say.

“holy shit! king steve ! sorry bro, we’ll leave you two be…”

they walk off and complain about steve getting that bag.

his hand removes himself from your waist and you frown a bit, the warm feeling lost.

“sorry about that, earlier i saw they were annoying you.”

“no no, it’s fine. i appreciate it.”

“de nada.”

he said in reply which made you smile and shake your head.

“you wanna .. talk somewhere private ? away from the irritating people?”

“i thought you’d never ask.”

he was falling right into your little trap, sooner enough he would fall too deep in the rabbit hole. perfect.

“follow me, i know a place where we can lay low..”

🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆

you both sat on the bed that belonged to someone. couple he someone’s parents. but you didn’t care because it wasn’t your house.

you two sat next to each other, thighs touching one another as you sat comfortably.

you take a glance at steve and he looked tense. you rub at his thigh and give him a soft smile.

“did you wanna like.. do something? hm ?”

your fingers were drawing circles on his knee, he could only watch and swallow the lump in his throat. you had him right in your trap.

“something like what..?” steve slowly asked..

“you know- like.. besando..”

you move closer to him, your breath hitting his lips and he whimpers and tenses up against you. you feel his hands move to your lower back, the other hand grilling the bed sheet.

“w-what does that mean..?”

“it means.. kissing.”

“holy shit, yes please.”

you smile as he goes to kiss your lips but you move your head up and he kisses your neck instead. he still didn’t care. he needed to kiss you. he needed to kiss and feel you all over.

you could tell steve was really touch starved. most girls didn’t bat a single eye at him, but you did. and you were different. a good different. steve had taken a bite and wanted to taste more. and you were willing to give it to him, if he listened.

“i want you to say ‘por favor, demalo a mi’. can you do that, baby?”

“i-i can try..”

you wait for his reply as he moves away from your neck. you and him were staring into one another’s eyes. awaiting for his answer.

“p-por favor…de.. demalo - a me..”

you smile and laugh softly. bringing your hand from his thigh and set it on his face and rub your thumb against his face. steve fell more into your touch. you bring a thigh over steve’s and practically sit on his thigh. you knew damn well he could feel the heat between your legs.

“go ahead and kiss me.”

you order. and he listened. he listened so good.

he moves both of his hands to your face and holds you there while he kisses you. the kiss was very sloppy. and you loved every second of it. you grind your cunt against his thigh and he groans at the feeling of you, the sound he makes slides into your mouth as you smile against him.

his kisses and sounds were getting hungrier. you could tell he was getting impatient. but you wanted to play with him. he brings his hands from your face to your ass. he moves you to sit over his groin.

oh shit. you didn’t expect him to be big. and home boy was hung.

“shit stevie. are you packing a monster in there or what?”

“..it’s not that big, i think.”

you smile at how timid he got.

“too bad i won’t be able to see it tonight.”

“wh-what do you mean? you just wanted to kiss..?”

“yup, maybe next time.”

“mm-mm, nope. you can’t say that and leave me like this..i need it.”

“aww.. you’re so needy. what happened to big strong stevie. got your panties in a twi-“

you didn’t expect to feel him switch the positions and have you laying beneath him. legs spread against him. he grinds softly against you. this time was different. he was fully hard. you didn’t expect this new found energy from him.

“don’t say that. when you knew what you were doing. god you’re such a fucking tease.”

“mm, i didn’t think you’d have it in you to be a daddy, steve.”

“oh i can be daddy.” he says and his hand moves from above your head to hold your neck and you smile and let out a soft moan as he grinds against you in a slow but hard rhythm.

“mm.. fuck.”

“what does daddy mean in spanish again?”

“papi.”

“call me papi.”

“papi.”

he groans and pulls you in a wet kiss again. it made you moan against him as he did this. you certainly didn’t expect steve to be a top. you thought maybe he’d be a bottom. maybe he’s both.

🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆

hi , the ending is really up to you haha . may or may not continue this fic 😱😱(pt nsfw heheha)

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 320: Deku vs. Class 1-A

Previously on BnHA: Flashback!Kacchan was all “fuck Deku and fuck his stupid goodbye letters, I need to speak to somebody in charge.” Endeavor was all “hello, I am Somebody In Charge.” Kacchan was all “listen up asshole, you need to let us go out and collect our wayward nerd because you stupidly left him alone with All Might and that’s a fast track to disaster right there.” Endeavor was all, “[self-incriminating silence].” Rat Principal was all, “okay sure, have fun kids.” Back in the present, class 1-A was all “hi Deku” and Deku was all “I’M FINE!!!!!” and Kacchan was all “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU’D SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING NERD” and so the kids all got ready to fight, because OF COURSE they’re gonna fight. Sorry guys, but yeah it’s happening.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan is all “what’s up Deku you look like a possessed Rorschach test, so anyway how are the new quirks coming along.” Deku is all “they’re coming along like THIS” and uses Smokescreen to try and get away. Kacchan is all “PHASE ONE COMMENCE”, and Kouda, Sero, Jirou, and Ojiro leap into the fray to shower Deku with heaps of love and violence, because this is a shounen manga and kicking someone’s ass while simultaneously proclaiming your undying admiration for them is just how it’s done in these parts. The KoudaSeroOJirou squad then passes the baton to Satou, Momo, Tokoyami, Kaminari, and Shouji, who are all “fuck this mask” and do a bunch of stuff to tear Deku’s mask off because they’re the real heroes. Shouto is all “LOOK AT THE LITTLE CRYBABY, THAT’S RIGHT, GO AHEAD AND FUCKING CRY and by the way let us share your burden please,” and once again I swear this is all very deeply moving and touching within the actual context. The chapter ends with Tsuyu being all “look at me. I’m the cliffhanger now,” and damn.

lol what

I don’t think anyone was expecting that. I mean, not that I’ve got anything against Tsuyu or anything. anyways it’s a very nice cover and I love the colors and I hope this means Tsuyu’s gonna do something badass

also, “Deku vs Class A” -- pretty much the expected title, but it’s still got me hyped nonetheless fuck yeah let’s go

IIDA ANGST

Iida Tenya really said “fuck the uniform code, we’re leaving the helmet at home today.” sorry kids, prim and proper C-3PO Comic Relief Iida has left the building. can I interest you in some Serious Iida

meanwhile Kacchan is all “sup Deku, I heard you got a few more quirks, and might I just add that you look like the Snyder Cut of Detective Pikachu”

“you look like a tarred and feathered squid” okay easy there Kacchan. I mean it’s all true of course, but still

“thank you all for coming” OH EXCUSE ME SON, WERE YOU PLANNING ON GOING SOMEWHERE. LET’S JUST SEE HOW THAT PLAYS OUT

yep and there’s Smokescreen, right on cue

okay Horikoshi, I leave it in your hands. hopefully you can come up with some more interesting combos than my dumbass predictions lol

LOL THIS ISN’T A COMBO AT ALL

“explosions solve everything” -- Horikoshi Kouhei, 2021. something something shockwave, something something handwave ta-da no more smoke. lol okay then

oh, ouch

he would know, wouldn’t he. nice application of one of your many hard-earned life lessons, Kacchan

by the way you guys, just as an experiment, I’m going to try to anticipate some of the discourse this week in the hopes of preemptively addressing it and thus saving myself some time later on lol. so here’s our first test run!

ANTICIPATED DISCOURSE: “oh my god what a fucking hypocrite can you believe this fucking guy”

PREEMPTIVE REBUTTAL: it’s precisely because Kacchan has been in this exact situation himself that he’s able to recognize his past self in Deku now and call him out on it. just because it took him sixteen years to get it through his head that he can’t accomplish every single thing completely by himself doesn’t mean Deku has to go down that same path. so yeah, maybe it is a bit hypocritical, but if you insist that the only people qualified to call out stupid shit are people who have never done a single stupid thing in their own lives, then what you’re basically saying is that absolutely no one on earth is qualified lol. so yeah, I’d have to disagree

and one last unrelated note, I’m willing to bet the whole “you didn’t even say a word before you ran off” thing is possibly the first thing Kacchan’s said in this whole encounter that actually does stem from genuine hurt rather than his tough-love-harsh-truths strategy. I’M TAKING NOTES HERE HORIKOSHI. at this rate it’ll take twice as many chapters as DvK2 for them to hash out all the stuff between them, geez

anyway so I gotta say, so far Deku vs. Class A is looking an awful lot like a DvK3 wearing a hat, trenchcoat, and sunglasses lol

OH SHIT I TAKE IT BACK??

FUCK YEAH, YOU GO KOUDA. and I guess he ditched his mask as well! excellent

so far the strategy here seems to be “Kacchan says all the mean tough love shit while the rest of 1-A balances it out with warmth and kindness”, which actually works pretty well imo. Deku is one of those people that doesn’t usually need a Kacchan Translator anyway, but just in case, this is very efficient

mm but of course Deku is slingshotting himself away with Blackwhip. all right then, who’s up next!

FUCK YEAH

okay but seriously you guys, what is going on with Sero’s face in these last couple of chapters though, it’s really starting to unnerve me. is he trying to emulate Kacchan’s whole asymmetrical facial expressions thing?

in fact let me just quickly hit pause here because,

ANTICIPATED DISCOURSE: “SERO IS TOGA??!”

PREEMPTIVE REBUTTAL: no

oh snap looks like Jirou’s getting in on the action too!

poor Jirou probably spent days racking her brain trying to think of something she could bond with Deku over. is Horikoshi doing these in reverse order of the kids who have had the most interaction with him? that would explain why poor Kouda didn’t get a flashback lol

omg. well that answers that

so by my count, Satou and Hagakure are the only ones remaining in this first tier of kids who Still Appreciate Midoriya even though they’ve barely ever spoken two words to him in their lives lol. so they’ll probably be next, and then we’ll get to the next tier of kids who are pretty good friends with him but not quite besties. and then we’ll move on to the IidaRokiRaka trio, and then lastly, to the boy who is in a tier all his own

BUT FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

and by “sponsor” I mean the Dekuangst. just in case that wasn’t clear. indeed, many thanks to the Dekuangst for making this all possible

(ETA: okay so this whole “take me away” line seemed pretty weird to me, and sure enough it’s yet another one of those cases where only the verb is specified, and the object is left to the reader’s interpretation. so even though the translation says “take me away”, I’m pretty sure that what Deku’s actually saying is “take you away” -- as in, his loved ones will be taken away by AFO.

and that is literally the way he phrases it, though -- the verb used is “奪う” (ubau), meaning “to snatch away; to dispossess; to steal.” which, god, that hurts my whole goddamn heart though, because for him to say it like that?? not “AFO will kill you”, but “AFO will take you away from me.” he can’t have nice things anymore because of AFO. he can’t be around the people he loves because AFO will hurt them. he can’t have happiness because AFO will take it away from him. anyway so where the fuck is AFO right now, motherfucker I just want to talk.)

by the way can Ojiro just extend his tail to whatever fucking length he wants or what because it’s like twelve feet long in this panel lol

WOOO FUCK YEAH TOKOYAMI

YOU LOVE TO SEE IT!! BUT WHERE’S YOUR FLASHBACK? YOU’VE HAD A BUNCH OF INTERACTIONS WITH HIM, THAT’S NOT FAIR

okay so now Satou’s stepping in which is back to my anticipated order, so maybe Toko will finish his little moment afterward

dskfjfkk

“REMEMBER THAT TIME DEKU BORROWED SATOU’S FOOD COLORING” Horikoshi says, sweating. “AND REMEMBER THAT TIME HE, UM, SMILED IN HAGAKURE’S GENERAL DIRECTION”

actually I am curious about what Hagakure’s part will be because, you know, the whole traitor thing lol

(ETA: funny how we just skipped right over it huh. can we get a traitor reveal countdown started here? definitely getting close to that time.)

whoa lol wtf

MOMO??? THIS HAS MOMO WRITTEN ALL OVER IT DAMMIT

-- SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK

“SORRY MIDORIYA-SAN, I LEFT MY FUCKING CHILL AT HOME IN THE LOCKER NEXT TO IIDA’S HELMET” holy shit lmao

and here I thought she’d get a flashback to her time on the Baku Rescue Squad or something. but nope, no flashbacks from Momo, only terrifying sci-fi torture devices

poor Dark Shadow is such a trooper omg

“why am I the only one who has to make prolonged contact with his smelly disgusting self” taking one for the team there DS

FUCK YEAH KAMINARI NO JUTSU

THE PRICKLY BASTARD WHISPERER STRIKES AGAIN!! don’t suppose you brought any clean clothes you could sneakily force him into huh Kami

okay here we go, so now Shouji and Tokoyami are joining forces

um excuse me this is fucking awesome

wonder how he’ll break free? don’t think he’ll reveal Fa Jin until the end of the chapter, so maybe Air Force or something? idk

TOKO GETS AN EXTENDED MOMENT BECAUSE HE IS A TIER TWO PATREON REWARD LEVEL FRIEND YAY

WHY IS MOMO MAKING THIS FACE LOL YOUR THING WAS WAY WORSE

and Shouji just casually hitting him with what is easily the best comment from anyone yet. too bad Deku’s just gonna ignore it. you deserve better Shouji

KAMINARI OMFG

it only just occurred to me that Kami is currently trapped inside Dark Shadow right along with him lmao omg. realest one in the entirety of BnHA, right here. we will never forget your sacrifice

aaaaaaand Deku’s yeeting himself

do you really hate the thought of taking a bath that much my dude

oh shit the mask!!

-- oh shit the feels

o(TヘTo)

fuck. and I mean, we knew he was crying, that was a done deal. but still, to see him in this much pain is just...

and the acknowledgement that he knows they’re worried about him, but that it doesn’t change his mind one bit. this, right here, is why they have to be a bit harsh with him, you guys. because they’re up against the full, unbridled stubbornness of Midoriya fucking Izuku, and if they don’t match that stubbornness with an equal stubbornness of their own, they basically don’t stand a chance

(ETA: quick note that there is apparently another mistranslation here -- rather than saying that his friends are oblivious to the danger, what Deku is actually saying is that none of his friends have activated his Danger Sense once throughout this entire fight. which I had been wondering about, and it turns out Horikoshi actually confirmed it. so basically none of the kids bears any ill intent toward him, and there’s literal proof right there.

incidentally, as @class1akids​ pointed out, this also casts an interesting light on this chapter in terms of who hasn’t fought Deku yet. not to play the Hagakure Traitor Music for the billionth time you guys, but I’M JUST SAYING lol.)

anyway, but the good news is that they all seem to understand that. and the even better news is that we have reached the tier 3 friends!!

“OR ELSE” lol, great to see Shouto wielding his friendship just as aggressively as Deku once did towards him. I do love a good role reversal

p.s., ANTICIPATED DISCOURSE: “why is Shouto being so cruel to Deku can’t he see how hard this is on him”

PREEMPTIVE REBUTTAL: this is a callback to the classic “even heroes cry when they have to” Shouto line from chapter 137. Shouto is clearly following Kacchan’s lead here and going for the more ruthless approach, knowing that the gentle approach isn’t getting through to him (if anything it’s only making him more stubborn as we saw on the previous page). basically it’s his way of pointing out that even heroes are still only human, and so is Deku last time he checked

ah okay, and there Tsuyu is at last

okay real talk, I get why Tsuyu is included in the tier 3 friends, because she was one of the first people to team up with Deku going all the way back to USJ. but that said, this probably would have had more impact if their most recent interaction hadn’t been like 150 chapters ago

but anyway though it’s still a good speech. maybe not quite a cliffhanger-level speech, but a good speech nonetheless. in a way though, I’m glad to see that Horikoshi seemingly didn’t give a fuck whether he ended this on an actual cliffhanger or not for once

and that “headed toward the climax” part has me excited too, ngl. because if we really are getting to the so-called climax this soon, that makes me even more certain that there is indeed a DvK3 in the forecast. so I presume that next week (or I guess two weeks from now) will be the tier 3s along with the remaining tier 2s like Kirishima and Aoyama

and then after that, well... [orange and green banners being hoisted] [sound of screeching airhorns and vuvuzelas in the distance] [sound of All Might approaching in his car which I didn’t notice until I looked back at this page a second time whoops] THE PROPHECY WILL NOT BE DENIED

[waitimcomingtoo]

In Case You Don’t Live Forever

~chapter two rewritten~

Pairing: Peter Parker x Venom!Reader

Synopsis: you are Peters greatest love and Spider-Man’s greatest enemy

Masterlist and Series Masterlist

Moving and finding an apartment can be an incredibly long and stressful process. Unless you’re you, and life likes to throw a lot of curve balls at you for the utter hell of it.

Your dad dropped dead three weeks after you told Andy you were moving to New York. Coincidentally, right in the middle of you trying to find a place to live. He drank himself to death. Figures. You doubted you’d ever had a conversation with him that he was sober enough to remember. His untimely demise was unfortunate for him, because he died or whatever, but very fortunate for you. As his only child, you got his apartment in Queens and all his smelly hoodies.

You said your goodbyes to Andy and Dani after a night out in the streets of San Francisco. You had originally moved there after high school to start your show, The L/n Report. San Francisco was known for its crimes against the homeless population and you wanted to start with a story on that. You ended up interviewing Andy at the police station while investigating a missing person, and dated him for two years. Now, you were spending your last few hours in San Francisco with the very boy you once loved and the very girl he now did.

“Are you all packed?” Dani asked you, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Pretty much. I gotta put my toothbrush and hairbrush in my suitcase in the morning. Other than that, I’m good to go.” You answered her. She smiled fondly at you as she linked her arm through yours.

“Hey, I’m really gonna miss you. More than that guy over there.” You whispered, nodding towards Andy, who had his head buried in his phone. Dani laughed and nodded in agreement as you continued to walk.

“I’m going to miss you too. You’re my best friend here.” She sighed sadly.

“I’m glad we’re friends. Most women in our position would hate each other.” You thought out loud.

“Uh uh. You’re thinking of women in films. It’s 2021, baby. Women support women. You and I are two talented, smart, beautiful women who would never be caught fighting over some boy. Especially not one who can’t take his eyes off his phone for two seconds.” Dani said loudly and smacked Andy’s arm. You laughed at the domestic moment but couldn’t help feeling a pain in your heart knowing he used to be that way with you.

“What, sorry?” Andy looked up. You and Dani looked at him before looking at each other and laughing.

“What’s funny?” He asked, growing annoyed.

“We’re laughing at you babe. Put your phone away. It’s Y/N’s last night here.” Dani scolded playfully. Andy sighed and reluctantly put his phone in his pocket.

“Right, sorry. And it’s not her last night here. She’s coming back. You are coming back, right?” He asked you. You nodded, though you weren’t entirely sure.

“Of course I’ll be back.” You shrugged. “I just want to experience something new for a while. I’ve done a million pieces on homelessness and poverty. I want to see what fresh stories New York has to offer.”

“You’re quoting the Daily Bugle, aren’t you?” Dani teased you.

“That is verbatim what they said to me.” You admitted with a laugh. “But hey, it worked. As of tomorrow, I’m the Daily Bugle’s newest investigative reporter.”

“Who are you reporting on anyway?” Andy showed a rare interest in your work.

“Some guy named Cletus Kasady.” You answered. “He’s some hot shot serial killer down in Queens. No one knows how he’s hiding his victims bodies. Apparently none have ever been close to being found.”

“And they want you to write the story on him?” Andy raised an eyebrow, always with the condescending tone.

“Well they heard about the whole Carlton Drake situation and decided I hadn’t been through enough trauma in my career.” You replied, earning a laugh from Dani but not Andy. You and Andy had already broken up by the time Carlton Drake contracted a symbiote and tried to kill you and Venom. You stopped him before he could hurt anyone and wrote a career defining article on his lethal human experiments. You managed to leave out all information regarding symbiotes from the article, so your secret was still safe. You were a fairly well known reporter since the incident and your next job was waiting for you in New York.

In the morning, You and Venom got on a plane and made your way to New York. Being on a plane with Venom turned out to be the equivalent to traveling with a toddler. You tried to sleep, but every two seconds you had to stop Venom from getting into trouble. She kept trying to open the window, even after you explained to her that everyone on the plane would die horrible death if the window were to open.

“Stop that.” You whispered when you noticed a black tendril creeping towards the window. The lady in the seat next to you shot me a look of confusion. You gave her a fake smile and turned back to the window, doing your best to conceal the small black tendril that was coming out of your body and fidgeting with the airplane window.

“We want it open.” Venom replied telepathically.

“Do you also want us to blow out of the plane and into space?” You said through my teeth.

“We didn’t anticipate that but it’d be appreciated.” Venom answered, making you groan. The rest of the plane ride followed in similar fashion.

Seven hours later, you arrived at the apartment building. You had never been to your dads apartment, you didn’t even know he had one. You wondered what happened to your childhood home as you looked around the place. The apartment wasn’t too small but not too big either. The rent was practically nothing compared to how expensive San Francisco was, and The Daily Bugle offered to cover your expenses until the story was done. You figured after some redecorating and moving in, it would make a fine new home.

The first seven days in the apartment went by smoothly. You unpacked, with little to no help from Venom, and set up the furniture. On the eight day, you sat on the couch, aimlessly flipping through channels in the TV when you had a thought.

“Oh shit.” You said out loud.

“What?” Venom, who was curly nestled around your neck like a neck pillow, asked.

“I forgot mail exists.” You frowned. “We better go check the mailbox before it overflows.”

You and Venom grudgingly walked to the mailboxes and back again. No one was around, so she manifested herself and rested on your shoulder as I looked through the mail.

“Oops. I grabbed someone else’s mail too.” You clicked your tongue when you read a strangers name off the envelope. “I gotta find them.”

“Let’s go.” Venom said and pulled you towards the front door.

“Sorry, babe. This is a me thing, not a we thing. You know I love you but I don’t want to scare our neighbors. Not yet anyway.” You reasoned. Venom grumbled and went back inside your body.

You checked the address of the envelope and discovered that it belonged to the apartment directly across from you.

You knocked on the door and patiently waited for someone to open it as you mindlessly cracked your knuckles. Just as you were about to walk away, the door opened.

“Hi, are you May Parker?” You asked right away. You looked up from the envelope and your face instantly flushed. The person staring back at you definitely wasn’t May Parker. It was a boy around your age, maybe a little younger. He had soft brown eyes and wavy brown hair. It was gelled back loosely and you could see the outline of soft curls. To your surprise, he was just as flushed as you were. You stared at each other for a moment, no one wanting to be the first to blink.

“Yea. I’m May Parker.” The boy said finally. He shut his eyes in embarrassment and shook his head.

“I mean, no I’m not. But that’s my Aunt. May is my Aunt but I’m not May. That’s my Aunt May. I’m her nephew…obviously. Aunt May is my Aunt May. I…what?” He stumbled over his words and somehow turned even redder. His blush reached all the way down his neck, to his blue jumper that read “Midtown Tech” in yellow letters. You recognized the name of one of the most prestigious high schools in New York, already impressed with your new neighbor.

“Well hello, not May Parker. I’m also not May Parker. But I seemed to forget that when I grabbed your mail this morning. Sorry about that.” You said sheepishly as you handed his mail to him. The boy rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at it and attempted to redeem himself.

“It’s not problem. She and I always forget to check the mail so you actually helped us, um, whoever you are.” He smiled weakly. His voice was cute. He had that Queens accent that the people of San Francisco lacked, for obvious reasons.

“Oh, right.” You laughed in embarrassment. “I’m Y/N L/N. I just moved here from San Francisco. I live across the hall.”

You pointed to the door behind you as if he didn’t know what “across the hall” meant. You didn’t know what was wrong with you. You were never this awkward.

His eyes lit up a bit once you told him where you lived.

“Really? I thought that smelly guy lived there.” The boy said and you stifled a laugh.

“That smelly guy was my father. He died a little while ago so I live there now.” You told him, malign the boys eyes widen. They were so brown. Like little pools of honey. Or little pools of the Hudson River. You had seen a million pairs of brown eyes before, but none like his. They were quite distracting to be honest.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I had. I had no idea-“ he began to frantically apologize but you cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it. We never got along. And you’re right, that man stank.” You chuckled. It was the first thing you said that felt like your old self. You hadn’t really talked to anyone since moving to New York, with the exception of Venom and the occasional phone call from Andy or Dani. You liked talking to this boy, though you still had no idea who he was.

“Oh thank God. I thought I screwed this up before it even went anywhere.” He immediately turned red when he heard his own words. You saw the regret in his eyes and decided to throw him a bone.

“Well it certainly can’t go anywhere until you tell me your name.” You flirted. Again, he relaxed. You felt a surge of confidence knowing he wanted this to go well.

“Parker. I’m Parker Peter. I mean, Peter Parker.” He fumbled over his words again, making you smile fondly.

“We like him. He’s cute.” Venom said telepathically. You looked down at my shoes and blushed, knowing you liked him too.

“And he looks delicious.” She added, ruining the moment.

“It’s nice to meet you Peter Parker.” You gave him your best smile. “I’m glad there’s someone my age around here. Everyone I’ve met so far is either an old bitty or a creepy uncle type.” You regretted it as soon as it left your mouth. You didn’t know what his sense of humor was like and he might not find you the slightest but funny. Andy always told you you were bad at telling jokes, and you feared he might be right.

Lucky for you, Peter burst out laughing.

“Ah. I’ve seen you’ve met Henry.” Peter pointed a finger down the hall. “Yeah, I’d stay away from him. He asked me if he could have pictures of my feet once. He said he’d “pay me handsomely” for it too.”

“Damn. So he beat me to asking you.” You pretended to be upset, which made Peter laugh again. The sound of his laugh made your heart pick up speed. You weren’t used to feeling like this. Boys rarely impressed you, Andy was just lucky you liked a man in uniform.

“Yeah. You better stay away from him.” Peter advised.

“It might be hard.” You clicked your tongue. “Our mailboxes are pretty close. I’ll make a mental note to never check my mail while wearing flip flops, though.”

Peter smiled at your joke. He had the kind of smile that you would make the person laugh just to see it again. It was brilliant.

“Well my mailbox should be directly above yours. So don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” He grinned, and you grinned back.

“My hero.” You gushed as you put your hands over your heart. The tips of his ears went pink, like he was shocked that you said that.

“I’m no hero.” He sounded almost panicked, like you touched a nerve or something.

“We’re hungry. We need to eat.” Venom interrupted abruptly, causing you to jump. Since Peter couldn’t hear her, he looked at you strangely, not knowing the cause of your sudden jolt.

“Sorry, I uh, I thought I saw a spider.” You lied.

“If there was a spider, we’d eat it. We need food. Now.” Venom demanded.

Peter looked up at his doorframe for the imaginary spider.

“Yeah, New York is full of them.” Peter said skeptically. “Not that full, though. And some spiders are nice. One might even call them friendly.”

“Right.” You laughed at his strange wording, unaware that you were both keeping a secret.

“Would…” Peter began but trailed off, seemingly mulling something over in his head. “Would you like to eat dinner with my Aunt and I? I remember when we first moved in, it took us a while to get into the swing of things and make dinner every night. If you like, you could join us. And, you know, we could get to know each other.” He offered. It all came out in one breath. You could tell he was nervous and that only drew you in more.

“I’d love to Peter.” You said, and he smiled in relief.

“Great.” He gave an awkward thumbs up. “We usually eat around six so maybe come around then? She’ll be so happy to meet you. She loves cooking and she always tries to get me to learn but I once burnt cereal and I still don’t know how.” Peter began to ramble. He cut himself off and shook his head again. “Sorry. I’m rambling.”

Then, you did something stupid. You put your hand on his arm like the dumb bitch you were. You barely knew this guy. Who the hell were you to touch him? He must’ve been thinking the same thing, since he instantly froze under your touch and stared at your hand on his arm.

“Don’t apologize. I can’t cook either. Unless you count making tater tots as cooking. Then I’m Gordon Ramsey.” You assured him, feeling him relax under your touch.

“You’re just gonna mention tater tots without warning us first? Our mouth is watering. Can we eat Peter?” Venom asked, making your eyes widen.

If it was socially acceptable to scream at your symbiote in public, you would’ve yelled “NO, WE CANNOT EAT PETER” from the top of your lungs. But since you didn’t want to scare Peter and the rest of the neighbors away, you merely smiled and made another mental note to smack the shit out of Venom later.

“I love that man. “Where is the lamb sauce?” Peter mimicked in a bad British accent. He had no right being as charming as he was.

“No no no.” You shook your head. “His best line is “I’ll get you more pumpkin and I’ll ram it right up your ass. Would you like it whole or diced?”. He’s said some pretty wild things but that one makes me cry.”

Peters laugh rang through the halls. To be the cause of that laugh was a feeling like no other. You stood there for a while, just looking at each other. His eyes grazed down your body, but not in a crude way. You berated yourself for not dressing better when going to meet the neighbors, clad in nothing but a grey hoodie and some leggings. Peter looked cute, but you had a feeling he always did. His jumper was pretty baggy and you could see a collared shirt poking out the top. He was dressed almost professionally and you found it incredibly endearing.

You wanted to know more about him. You wanted to know his secrets and his hobbies and what makes him itch. You wanted to see if he dresses this way on weekends too or what his summer clothes looked like. Your gawking was interrupted by Peters phone ringing. He broke out of his trance and answered it quickly.

“Hi, Mr. S. No I’m not busy. I mean, I’m super busy but I can totally make time for you. Yea, Happy talked to me. Okay. Okay. Where? Okay. See you in a bit.” Peter hung up and looked at you apologetically.

“That was my job. I have to run but I’ll be back in time for our dinner. I live at…you know where I live. I’ll see you then. Don’t be late.” Peter called as he ran down the hallway, towards the elevator.

“I won’t. See you later.” You called back.

You went back to your apartment and like a kid, broke out into a happy dance.

“Venom!! Did you see how cute he was?” You gushed. “And how funny he is? I have to get ready for tonight.”

Venom manifested and swirled around my arm.

“Someone has a crush.” Venom smirked. Well, as much of a smirk as she could muster with that huge mouth of hers.

“I don’t have a crush. I just think he’s cute okay?” You replied coyly. “Cute. And funny and sweet and charming and amazing. But that’s it.”

“We can feel your heart beat.” Venom reminded you. “It was going ten miles an hour. What would Andy say?”

You had been rummaging through your closet and stopped in your tracks. With Peters new inhabitance in your mind, you had forgotten all about Andy. You moved to New York to avoid his wedding and his moving on, and you might’ve succeeded.

“I don’t care what he’d say.” You decided. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“But we want him to be.” Venom insisted. “We want him back, remember?”

“I don’t know what I want.” You answered honestly. “I just want to get ready for tonight.”

“Why are you getting ready now? You have 5 hours until you have to be there and it’s right across the hall.” Venom teased.

“Only 5 hours?” You sighed. “We better get moving.”

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Hollow Pass (Part 1)

Summary: When the reader has to spend a day in the mines for work, she’s less than thrilled. When the miner showing her around for the day, Dean Winchester, is an ass, she’s even less thrilled. But an accident will change all of that and if they want a chance of getting out of the mess they’re in, they’ll need to put their lives in each others hands, literally...

Pairing: Miner!Dean x reader

Word Count: 4,100ish

Warnings: language, injury, frightening/claustrophobic/near death situations

A/N: Please enjoy the first of this 2 parter!

_______

You sighed as you stood in the trailer of the manager’s office, a jumpsuit and a pair of boots sat in a chair. Your boss, bless his heart, thought it was always a good idea for corporate positions to experience a day in the mines to truly understand the product and what the little guy went through on a day to day basis. The argument that you were not really corporate, not even close, seemed to go over his head.

“Y/N, you gonna change? I need my office back,” said the manager through the door. You pulled it open and pouted. “I don’t want you going down in the mines anymore than you do but if you want to make corporate, you gotta do what the CEO says.”

“Dad I don’t even want to work there. I like my simple office job.”

“Then why have you been in all those development programs at work?” he asked. You shrugged and he sighed. “Cause you can’t say no.”

“Do I have to?” you asked, looking back at the overalls.

“Do you want to quit?” he asked.

“I don’t want to lose a good paycheck. But I don’t want a corporate job either,” you said. 

“Then you’re shit outta luck,” he said. “I’m gonna put you with the Winchester boy. He’s on safety checks in our most secure mines.”

“You mean the ones that never have problems.”

“Funny how that all coincidentally happened today of all days,” he said with a smile.

“Thanks dad.”

“I don’t want you going anywhere near explosives. You’ll be safe doing the checks with Dean for the day.”

“Hi, I’m Y/N,” you said twenty minutes later. The man in overalls and a hard hat rolled his eyes.

“I’m ten minutes late because of you which means I’m gonna get docked those ten minutes of pay so thank you little miss corporate.”

“I’m your boss’ daughter, jackass.”

“Still ain’t my boss,” he said. You huffed and headed over towards the mine entrance when he grabbed the back of your overalls. “No, dummy. You have zero safety gear so unless you want to die, you’re coming with me.”

“Asshole.”

“Dean Winchester at your service,” he said, dragging you over with him to some lockers. He punched a card and went to the storage racks, seemingly grabbing a few items and putting them on. He picked the hard hat off your head and grabbed one with a light and a wire attached to it, clipping it on your belt. He put something over your shoulder you put your arm through like a sling and clipped a mask onto the back of your belt, a flashlight and a small hand pickaxe going through your other loops. “Turn this lamp on anytime you’re in the mine and never, ever, take off your hat. If I yell at you or you smell something funny, get that mask on. Flashlight and the axe are backup for emergencies.”

He put a radio in your pocket and looked you over.

“Oh and for the love of God, do not wander off. I don’t care if you see a bug or break a nail or gotta piss.”

“What do you do if you have to…” you said.

“Normally you piss against some rock like a man but special manager’s daughter we’ll walk you back out here, take our slow ass time, make me go longer than my shift and because I was late today, I don’t get overtime.”

“That sounds kinda illegal.”

“The contracts for this company are a fucking nightmare,” he said, walking out of storage.

“Why work here then?” you asked as he went to an area and grabbed a clipboard. He took two water bottles and clipped them on each of your belts before whistling for you to follow after.

“Well somebody had to pay for his baby brother to go to law school and it wasn’t going to be my drunk of a father now was it,” said Dean, stopping and writing something down. 

“So you didn’t grow up with mining in your family?” you asked.

“No. I’m not some redneck hillbilly like you imagine either,” he said. He flipped on his light and turned yours on when you got to the mine entrance. “Crouch.”

“Huh?”

“We ain’t riding the cart which is missing, dumbass. Crouch down so you can fit in the tunnel,” he said. You swallowed and had to bend down some, following Dean closely. “Ain’t claustrophobic are ya cause now’s the time to tell me.”

“No,” you said. “Jerk.”

“Ah, see? We’re getting along already.”

You walked for five or so minutes before the ground sloped down further and an entrance to the right opened up. Dean straightened up and you did the same, stretching out as he grabbed the back of your jumpsuit.

“Dude, would you stop doing that?” you said.

“Would you stay in my line of sight?”

“That’s harassment. You can’t touch me without my permission,” you said, crossing your arms. He blinked a few times and rolled his eyes quite possibly the most dramatically you’d ever seen in your life.

“This? This is not an office building. Every single time you step in here you run the risk of dying and you have zero clue on how to stay safe down here. I hate it when you people with your big offices and penny pinching bullshit come down here and complain about every goddamn little thing. If you want out, get out of the fucking mining business.”

“You’re an irritable person,” you said. He grumbled and tugged you along with him until you brushed him off. You followed him down a hallway and another, Dean checking things off on his clipboard as he went. “Are you gonna explain any of this stuff?”

“What do you think?” he said. He whistled and you followed him down a few more hallways when he stopped a gauge looking contraption. He checked a few different numbers and valves on it as you spun around. 

“I guess it is kinda cool. That somehow you guys know how to block up rocks and leave all these cracks and know how to make it so it doesn’t all come crashing down.”

“Cracks?” he asked as he squatted down and read off a meter.

“Yeah like that big one,” you said, pointing at the wall across the way. He turned around and looked at it for barely a second before he grabbed your arm. 

“Move. Now,” he said. He pulled out his radio and pressed down the button. “We have a grade five crack in Lodge Six West. Do not blow. I repeat do not-”

The ground rumbled and you heard a splintering noise, Dean pushing you back into the hallway you’d been in. He jumped on top of you and covered your body with his, all the lights going out, a loud thundering of falling rocks happening close by. It seemed to go on and on before it finally stilled, the hallway pitch black.

“You alright?” he asked.

“I think so,” you said, coughing when you felt dust in the air.

“Don’t move,” he said. He lifted his head and there was some light, Dean looking around before climbing off of you and staring at a new wall of rock. He looked at the hallway you’d been in, clicking on his flashlight and you saw where the rock dropped off about a hundred feet away. “Well. Shit.”

“What just happened?”

“The rock was unstable and they already set off the charges and it shook the mountain so now there’s a giant hole over there and our exit is blocked.”

“What’s that way?” you asked, nodding down the only unobstructed hallway.

“Further down into the mine before you hit the decommissioned area.”

“Is there a way out,” you asked, Dean patting his side.

“Fuck. My radio is under all that,” he said. He took out yours and handed it to him, Dean nodding before he turned it on. “Main do you copy, over?”

There was silence on the other end and Dean hit the button again.

“Main this is Winchester in Lodge Six West with…what’s your name?” he asked.

“Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Y/N Y/L/N, manager’s kid. Copy, over.”

“Winchester this is Main. We got lots of calls coming in from ground crews about a shaking.”

“Lodge Six West Hall K is a giant crater of death and Hall H is buried, right up to the entrance of junction HJ.”

“Injuries?”

“We’re okay,” said Dean.

“Give me a second.”

Dean took a deep breath and coughed. He tapped your mask on your belt and you put it on, the air a bit easier to breath. 

“Winchester this is Melvin.”

“She’s okay, boss. Just a little shook up. Saved our asses from winding up in the ground even if she doesn’t know it yet,” he said. He held out the radio and you pulled down the mask. 

“Dad I’m fine, really. We both are. It’s just kinda dark and smelly is all.”

“I know. Put your mask on sweetie until you can get to some cleaner air,” he said. You put it back on, Dean, getting to his feet. He pulled you up and looked back at your blocked path. 

“Any other collapses?” asked Dean.

“None reported so far. Everyone should be out of the mine’s or on their way. Alarm is blasting.” You looked back at Dean, his eyes shutting.

“Melvin we can’t hear it. At all.”

“Rodney’s out checking where our side of the collapse starts. We’ll get you out,” he said, someone panting in the background.

“Hall B, Mel,” he said. Dean turned away from you and sighed. No one said anything for a long time until Dean finally raised his head.

“We got two 16 ounces bottles of water. If she rations it, she’s got a shot,” said Dean quietly.

“No, she doesn’t,” said your dad, his voice softer than you’d ever heard it. “How long does your radio have?”

“Mine got crushed. Hers was on a quarter charge. I’d guess maybe an hour or two tops,” he said.

“Should we call your brother?”

“He’s hiking in Glacier Park this week. No cell service,” said Dean quietly. “Just tell him to check my bottom desk drawer. There’s something for him there.”

“I can do that,” he said. “Is there anyone...parents-”

“All due respect sir, I’d rather you talk to your daughter,” he said. Dean held out the radio to you and you picked it up, Dean skirting around the corner to the one unblocked hallway.

“Dean?” you asked, following over there. He was leaned against the wall and looked over his shoulder at you. “What’s going on?”

“They can’t dig us out in time.”

“What do you mean-”

“Talk to your dad. You’re wasting time. That battery won’t last forever,” he said. He turned back and you walked back around the corner, sitting down against the wall.

“Hi dad,” you said.

“Hey,” he said, his voice shaky. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. “Mom’s on her way down to talk, okay? She’ll be here in ten minutes.”

“I so quit this job,” you said, wiping off your eyes with the back of your hand. He laughed and you threw your head back. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m gonna stay on the line as long as I can, okay?”

“Okay. Okay.”

Two Hours Later

The battery in the radio had died about fifteen minutes ago. There was no sound aside from your sniffling and Dean’s down the hall. You got up eventually and went into the hall, sitting down beside him. You handed him the radio and he clipped it back on his belt.

“You okay?” you asked, voice hoarse.

“You try listening to someone say goodbye to their parents and not bawl,” he said. He wiped off his face and took a deep breath. “Air’s better now at least.”

“What do we do now?”

“Now,” he said, clipping his water bottle onto your belt. “You sit there and try not to exert a lot of energy and that water will last you a few days.”

“We both heard my father. They can’t drill or dig or do anything fast enough. It’d take weeks. I’m not sitting here next to your dead ass so take your damn water back,” you said, shoving it back in his chest. He didn’t speak but put it on his belt, pulling his knees into his chest. “Why were you so mean to me before? You gave up time on the phone for me. I don’t think you’re what you pretend to be.”

“I’m a dead man walking and that’s a fact.”

“Technically you’re sitting.”

He smiled and rested his face in his knees. He sat up and reached over behind you, hitting off your headlight.

“We need to conserve power as long as possible,” he said.

“Will our lights go out before we dehydrate to death?” you asked.

“Yes,” he said. “This is what it’ll be like.”

He flipped off his lamp and you swore you’d never experienced a darkness so deep. You felt his hand graze yours before holding it and you swallowed.

“Kinda less scary knowing you can turn it back on again,” he said.

“You didn’t answer my question. Why such a brute?”

“You do this job long enough and most people think you’re a dumb sack of shit with nothing in his head. You’re dead weight, odds are you’ll die down here or get into some kind of accident and have to go on disability the rest of your life. You corporate people are always so stuck up, like I’m not even good enough to be the dirt on your shoes. I didn’t give you a chance because odds were you were like all the rest of them. You’re the only reason we didn’t die in that hole, very painfully.”

“Wouldn’t we have-”

“No. It’s not a simple hole we would have fell in. Falling rocks, crushing and hitting, landing on you, ones you hit yourself. Might not kill you immediately. You’d feel it.”

“Dying of thirst is better?”

“I’d say so. Still get to keep this handsome face, or what’ll be left of it,” he said. He flipped his light back on and you scooted closer. “I think you’re very attractive.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m gonna die in like three or four days. Life has no consequences now and I happen to find you very attractive and you seem like a smart, sweet woman that put her parents a little at ease during the worst moment of their lives.”

“Who’s your brother?” you asked. “No consequences after all.”

“He’s a lawyer...and my best friend.”

“You said you did this job for him.”

“Student debt is a bitch. I try to help him out and the overtime helps make dents in it,” he said. “Our parents had debt out their asses. It caused so many problems for us. I wanted him safe, never have to worry about the next meal on the plate or the roof over his head or having to wear my hand me downs ever again. At least he’ll get my life insurance policy. That should help.”

“I have been busting my ass since I was a college freshman in that office to move up the chain for a job I didn’t even want. I completely lost nearly all of my twenties to work. All so I could die in here.”

“Well I know this doesn't sound good but I’m glad I didn’t die all super painful. Or that I’ll be alone,” he said. You smiled and nodded, Dean returning it. “Got any bucket list shit we can pull off down here?”

“We could make out,” you said. “Never knew anyone could make that jumpsuit look good.”

“Why the fuck not,” he chuckled. He leaned in close and your helmets bonked, Dean pulling his off and yours, quickly cupping your face. 

His lips were gentler than you thought, the two of you stopping when your lips were pressed together. You rested your forehead against his and broke off only an inch.

“Not as much fun at the moment as it sounded,” you breathed out.

“Pretty good last kiss though,” he said. You put your helmets back on and you grabbed his hand again. 

“Don’t let go down here. Please.”

He reached to his belt and undid a little pouch, pulling out a small tether of rope. He clipped one end onto him and the other to you.

“For when the lights go out,” he said.

“How long do we got?”

“About a day, maybe a little more,” he said. You sighed and turned your head, staring down the rest of the hall. “It’s decommissioned, Y/N. It’s a death trap.”

“Is there a way out?” you asked.

“Maybe. Maybe they never find us though,” he said. You stared at him and he nodded, hitting your headlamp back on. “Enough of the pity party. Let’s go get out of here or die trying.”

He stood and held out a hand, hoisting you to your feet. 

“So. What’s our best option?” you asked.

“It’s alright for a bit until we get to the decommissioned section. When we get there, that’s when it gets dangerous. Technically it’s dangerous now considering the blast but we’re okay for a bit,” he said. 

“Let’s go then,” you said. He nodded and you followed him down the hall, walking side by side. 

“Alright so the decommissioned section is called Hollow Pass. Beyond that is Upper Seven. If we can get to Upper Seven, we can get out the old entrance I’m pretty sure. Never been in there but hopefully it’s not a maze over there.”

“So Hollow Pass is the hard part.”

“Yeah.”

“Why was it decommissioned?”

“Unstable ground. Holes, pockets of air, rotted support beams, wood planks.”

“So it’s a death trap.”

“Yup,” he said. “We’re probably gonna die down there.”

“What do you think our odds are?”

“Well it’s been out of order for over fifty years, we have no map, I have no real idea where exactly to go...I give us 1% odds.”

“Beats are 0% odds here.”

“Good way to think about it considering we’re going to most likely die.” He stopped walking and took a deep breath. “If I fall or whatever, follow the widest hall possible and keep away from wood and cracks as best as possible. Ration your water and eventually you’ll find your way out.”

“If you fall I’m definitely not gonna make it.”

“Well at least try. You can tell my brother how devastatingly brave I was that way.”

“You just spent the past hour crying.”

“So did you,” he said. You bumped his shoulder and he returned it but it was playful and soft. You walked together quietly for a moment until Dean rounded a corner and took a deep breath.

There were a few planks across a hallway, Dean kicking them down, frowning when they broke pretty easily.

“There’s gonna be rot.”

“Lovely.”

“We don’t have to go,” he said. “You don’t have to. There’s a chance-“

“There’s no chance Dean. Not if we stay up there. If you don’t want to go, I will. Maybe I can get help back in-“

“We’re doing this together or you’re staying. I can go and you-“

“We both go,” you said. 

“I go first. You step where I step and if I tell you to do anything, you do it.”

“Dean. We already established that you’re not a hardass. You can lead the way but you know, nicely.”

“Alright, alright,” he said. He gave more slack in the rope attached to the two of you and took a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

He was calm for a few minutes until you were turning down a hallway, Dean suddenly stopping in front of you.

“What is it?” you asked.

“Look,” he said. You poked your head around him, swallowing at the rotted wood on the ground, holes worn into the planking. “Y/N that’s not good. Rot means there’s water and water means erosion and erosion means big shafts hundreds of feet straight down under those wood planks.”

“How much of it is wood?” you asked. You both looked ahead and sighed, the whole hall flooring covered in wood. “Shit.”

“Y/N. This is too dangerous. I’ve worked in mines since I was 18 and it’s way too dangerous.”

“Dean. I don’t want to die. If we don’t do anything, we’re dead in three days, maybe less.”

“Maybe they come up the decommissioned mine and get us,” he said. 

“Dean. The mountain collapsed from what my dad said. They are not coming in here, risking even more lives, in this mine. It might even have collapsed on the other side on the way out. We don’t know. All we do know is we stay and we’re dead or we go and we’re maybe dead.”

“You still won’t let me go on ahead on my own to try to get some help?”

“You’re not leaving me alone,” you said. You stepped ahead and he yanked on the rope, pulling you back. “Dean. Stop.”

“I go first,” he said. You held up your hands and he swallowed, Dean stepping past you, carefully putting his weight down on each plank. “Follow. Every footstep exactly where mine go.”

You followed after, the only sounds your breathing and the occasional board creaking. Dean put a foot down and stopped moving forward when you heard snapping. 

“Go back. Slowly.”

You stepped a foot backwards, putting weight on it and your foot going straight through. Dean grabbed your arm as you pulled your foot up, a few sticks falling into a deep dark pit. 

“What do we do,” you breathed out.

“Well we’re over rock that fell away so there’s a big hole beneath us if the rotted wood is anything to go by,” he said. You heard the slight waiver in his voice and sighed. “We make a choice. Forwards or backwards.”

“Back looks bad. Plus we already probably broke the supports.”

“I think solid ground is in front. But I have to jump for it,” he said. You looked past him and shook your head. 

“Dean, it's way too far. I can try to walk over there if you let out the rope. I get to solid ground and then you walk and if you fall, I got you with the rope.”

“Sweetheart, there’s no way.”

“You’re too heavy and we can’t stay here,” you said. You slipped past him and he tried to grab you but you went quickly. “Dean let out the rope. Now.”

“Fuck. We’re gonna die.”

“No we’re not,” you said, walking quickly, planks creaking but you sighed when you had solid rock under your feet again. “Alright. Just go where I did and fast.”

He took a deep breath and walked a few steps, a loud groaning of the wood making him move faster.

You hit the ground the second you saw him go down, the wood breaking away. Dean shouted and you dug your heels into the dirt. 

“Y/N!” he said, falling straight down into a hole and out of view.

_____

A/N: Read Part 2 here!

[umbralundertaler]

Rouxls and Spamton thoughts.

Hi .

I THINK THEY would be much better as friends who do weird hijinks together than actually dating, but on the other hand rouxlspamton marriage cracks me tf UP. Lancer obtains yet another father of dubious mental fortitude.

Anyways the main thing about this ship is that Rouxls is the only one even CLOSE to the brand of weirdness Spamton exhibits. Like sure the Queen is a big weirdo, but in a much different way from Spamton, if that makes sense.

However, Rouxls thinks of himself as very high class and dislikes anyone who doesn't try and be like him, so of course he would hate the strange smelly man that leaped out of the garbage trying to mug him.

These two things combine to the point where Rouxls just has absolutely no idea how to even think about reacting to Spamton. His distaste and hatred of him would loop back around to morbid curiosity and interest. At first he hangs out with him purely to see what inane shit he has to say.

What really got me hooked on them is the idea of what their first meeting would be like. Like Spamton would see that this guy looks super rich and try his ass off at trying to scam him, while Rouxls is like Aha a disgusting trash creature! I shall show it care, and then present it to the Queen so she'll realize what a valiant and compassionate soul I have! Which is DEFINITELY something an EVIL RULER looks for in a minion!

Rouxls fixes him up a little bit but stops when he realizes that this is A Whole Guy. Before he runs away Spamton is like HE WAS... NICE TO ME... ? and he stops him and they get to talk a little. They realize that they are basically the only (adult) person that can stand eachother so they're like. Well I guess we gotta keep in touch huh.

The best part about them is imagining all the weird shit they'd get up to. Each other is the only person that'd ever be okay with doing weird stuff like they'd do. Rouxls is like I am going to go lie in the swamp and steal the worms off peoples hooks while they're fishing, wanna join? And Spamton is like SURE THING SOUNDS FUN!!! Spamton asks Rouxls if he wants to sell useless broken shit to people with him and Rouxls is like I thought you'd never ask!

Also, Spamton not only likes but also can keep up with Lancer, so that's a big plus in Rouxls' book.

As for being, like, SERIOUS? Not much. These guys are my two favorite characters (other than Kris) so I just kinda smooshed them together. I guess they both have problems with inadequacy and not wanting to be useless but it's not like they're gonna try and work it out together :P

[jimlingss]

can i request a yoongi chef au? i feel like yoongi's culinary skills are underrated, and I'm just a slut for chef aus in general

Anonymous said: Hi I saw ur request open posts for the new year!!! Could u write more yoongi stories🥺?!?! Your stories are so fantastic and i’m thirsty for more yoongi lolol🤪(hopefully u get enough votes to do more of him haha)

I feel like Jin’s the one who’s usually written as the chef, prob because he’s the better known chef in BTS, but you’re right! There’s gotta be more chef Yoongi!AUs, so here you go!!!

↳ Buttering Up

2.2k || 100% Fluff & Flirtation || Min Yoongi || Chef!AU

He clearly doesn’t know who you are.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

You hum, arms crossed as you eye him up and down. His black hair is practically a bowl cut, bangs covering his forehead. He’s in casual clothes — a taupe trench and black pants — looking like he’s ready for a trip to the grocery store rather than to cook. You wonder where this child crawled out from.

“You’re Yoongi?”

“That I am.” He approaches the door of the restaurant before plunging his hands inside his trench coat pockets. He fishes out the key and unlocks it, ushering you inside. “Hope you don’t mind that the restaurant’s closed down.”

You mind much more that he left you waiting on the cold city street for over ten minutes. You still can’t believe he was late. The audacity.

“I would’ve liked to see how you and your staff do your dinner service.”

“Unfortunately, we’re booked full for the next two months.”

You scoff — how doesn’t he know who you are? You’re a food critic who’s brought highly regarded restaurants to their knees through a review of five sentences. Your words alone has had rippled effects in the industry. Even the most talented chefs hold their breaths when you taste-test.

You make Gordon Ramsey look like Mother Teresa.

This Yoongi character is much too arrogant to not respect you. His new and upcoming restaurant might have raving reviews, but you’ll see what’s really going on.

“Sit wherever you’d like.”

There are no waiters in fancy garb, no hand sewn tablecloths made of silk. He doesn’t even pull out the chair for you. Instead, he’s off flickering on the lights of the restaurant while you choose a wooden table and chair right in front of his open kitchen — which is a horrible mistake in itself.

Open kitchens have always been a concept that has fallen short in your eyes. It’s much too noisy during dinner service and it gets smelly fast. Who actually wants to leave smelling like butter and oil?

It’s something you note as you get settled. 

Your coat drapes at the back of the chair and then you watch him. Yoongi’s taken off his trench as well, revealing a white long sleeve that he’s beginning to roll up to his elbows. He’s lean and his build is small, but somehow, he’s far from being scrawny. You gawk at the veins running up his forearm until he casually asks—

“Do you have a preference for wine?”

“I’m fine with any.”

He hums and comes over from the glass cabinet with a bottle of chardonnay and a wine glass. Yoongi pops the bottle easily and pours into the pristine glass with a mere tilt of his wrist. You watch the stream fill the glass a quarter way full.

“Is there a menu?”

“You don’t need one.”

Your brows raise. “Excuse me?” 

“If I were you, I’d put myself in the chef’s hands entirely and go with their recommendation.” He strides away, placing the wine bottle on the other table and then he turns with a glint in his eye and his mouth slightly crooked upwards. “Unless, of course, you don’t trust your chef.”

Oh. He’s confident. 

You can’t wait for his ego to blow up in his face.

“Fine then.” Your head tilts upwards. “What’s your recommendation then?”

He rounds his way to go into the kitchen that’s only a few meters away from where you sit. “Risotto with grilled chicken breast, topped off with caramelized onions, mushroom, grilled zucchini and sautéed tomatoes.”

You roll your eyes. What a basic dish. Isn’t it just rice? And with chicken breast?! Ew. It's guaranteed to be bland.

“Alright then.” You give a smile that might be more mocking than intended. “We’ll see how it tastes.”

Yoongi starts and while sipping the chardonnay, you take a good look at the restaurant from your spot. The place is rustic with a hint of contemporary. There’s exposed brick, wooden tables and chairs, and low, yellow lighting. There’s nothing particularly impressive about the place.

Soon, the sound of rapid, rhythmic chopping fills the space and then sizzling. You watch him intently. And you’re appalled. This Yoongi guy commits the worst cooking sins — his pan is cold when he starts throwing on ingredients. He cooks with olive oil. He overcrowds the pan. And he doesn’t even taste test once as he cooks.

What the actual fuck. 

There’s a line between arrogance and insanity, and he was crossing it.

You cringe when he starts using his metallic spatula on the non-stick skillet.

Is he even qualified to run a restaurant?!

Or maybe your assistant sent you information about the wrong restaurant? Or maybe this was not the guy you were supposed to be eating from. What if he poisons you or kills off all of your taste buds?! Your career would be ruined.

“Everything going okay?” you pipe up.

He glances up at you for the first time, eyes peering past his bangs. “Yep. Should be done in five.”

Food is simple. It either tastes good or it doesn’t. But the higher up you go and the fancier it gets, the more convoluted the food tastes with bland flakes of gold and the same old truffle shavings. That or it’s entirely boring and unoriginal. 

Or in this case, it might kill you. Which would be the first. And you’re not happy about it.

You feel unsettled when he plops the dish in front of you.

“Chef’s recommendation.”

“Thanks.”

You feel unsettled because it actually smells good. The aroma that fills your senses is flavoursome and buttery, and the thyme on top adds a fresh hint. You’re also unsettled because the plating isn’t actually bad. It’s been presented in a pasta bowl with wavy designs and the chicken breast is thinly and neatly sliced on top. It’s clean. It’s bright. It’s colourful.

But the most lethal poisons are the appetizing ones.

“Are you going to wait until it gets cold?”

You look up, brows raising at how he’s gotten comfortable in the chair across from you. Usually the chefs and waiters or waitresses like to skedaddle off and leave you to your own thoughts, too afraid to stand in your intense scrutiny. But Min Yoongi twists off the cap of his water bottle and casually downs it in front of you.

“I’m just looking at the presentation.”

“Tastes better than it looks,” he exhales after swallowing his water. 

Your expression becomes skeptical. But you take the silver spoon beside you anyhow and decide not to waste any more time.

The spoonful goes into your mouth. He watches you. You chew.

Instantly, you halt. 

The flavour hits your tongue. Creamy. Thick. But each individual grain of rice still has some firmness with a discernible texture. It’s been done al dente. There’s sweetness from the caramelized onions. An earthy flavour from the mushrooms. A zesty touch from the thyme. The chicken breast is somehow still juicy and the tomatoes burst on your palate. 

Suddenly, you’re thrusted back into your childhood. Those summer days spent in the cottage. Sun-kissed cheeks, dirtied knees, cotton dresses. You can hear your late grandmother in the kitchen. The way she calls out that it’s lunchtime. You can feel the comfort of family and love.

It feels like you’ve become the food critic in the ratatouille movie. 

You almost cry.

“What do you think?”

You clear your throat. You have to be honest. There’s no way you can lie about something like this. “It’s good. I think...this is the best risotto I’ve ever had. You cooked it perfectly and the toppings you chose were absolutely immaculate with this dish—”

You look up at him. Min Yoongi has an enormous, cocky smirk plastered across his stupid face.

It’s entirely off-putting. 

“But of course,” you quickly add, “there are many ways you could improve on it. You could add cilantro—”

“That would unnecessarily drown out the notes of thyme you taste,” he rebukes without a single beat and you scoff. 

“I noticed you didn’t add any pepper to it which could deepen the flavour.”

“Except this dish doesn’t need it,” Yoongi deadpans. “You don’t need to help me make any adjustments. I think I know what I’m doing better than you are. Just do your job and I’ll do mine.”

You suck in your cheek and narrow your eyes on him before you take another bite of the risotto while it’s still hot. “The food is delicious, but I must say, the company really spoils it.”

Yoongi’s slumped with one cheek resting in his hand, elbow on the table. He lazily stares at you with that smirk of his. “Really? Because if I didn’t know any better, you look nervous rather than annoyed.”

You scoff for the second time. “Why would I be nervous?”

“Maybe you didn’t expect the food to taste as good as it does and that makes me unexpectedly attractive,” he states plainly. You almost choke. You hit your chest as you sputter. “Or maybe you’re intimidated by me. I’ve gotten both before.”

You wipe your mouth with the napkin. “I’m afraid you’re not very perceptive, Min Yoongi.”

“Really? I think I am.” He smiles, the corners of his mouth quirked. “I’ve read your reviews before.”

You’re unamused. “Have you now? So you must know how difficult I am to satisfy.”

His smirk is sly and it’s jarring against his softer, more tender features. He’s smaller than the men you’re used to being around, but somehow it feels like he’s taken up the entire space of the restaurant. His focus on you is sweat-inducing. Even if you don’t want to admit it. 

“I don’t think so. You’ve just been eating shit food,” he says bluntly and your brow cocks. “You just need someone good you can trust. Someone who can take care of you properly.”

You’re not sure if the double entendre is purposeful. You wouldn’t put it past him.

“And is this someone you?”

Yoongi shrugs and sits back. “It could be.”

You grab your glass of chardonnay and gulp the rest in an effort to stop the conversation before it completely derails into a different direction. Yet, Yoongi’s half-lidded and darkened eyes stay on yours with each swallow. He’s unfazed. Unbothered. And that bothers you even more — bothered in a way that makes your face hot.

There’s a clack as you put the wine glass down and gasp. 

“I’m a professional.” You won’t be swayed so easily. “I can’t be bribed.”

“Of course.” He blinks as if he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. You glare at him and he gestures to the dish. “Please. Keep eating.” 

You finish the plate.

“Do you want any seconds?” he asks as he gets up.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Yoongi lingers, all too brazen and fearless. “If you don’t get any more now, you might have to come back for more.”

This time, you don’t try to hide the roll of your eyes. “That’s a presumptuous assumption.”

Yoongi smirks and his voice is husky. “After getting a taste from me, everyone comes back for more.

You scoff.

Min’s Restaurant Review

Three nights ago, I ate at Min’s Restaurant and met the main man in the kitchen. Unfortunately, he is a difficult person to interact with. I hope no one has the disservice of having to speak to the chef behind the dishes. Doing so may as well ruin the experience. Furthermore, his cooking methods are unconventional and unorthodox. It was completely shocking to watch.

However, and what I would consider most important, the food at Min’s Restaurant is spectacular. What Min’s Restaurant lacks in likeable personnel, they make up in the served cuisine. The meal that was prepared for me not only subverted my initial expectations, but overcomes, what I consider, what the food industry is lacking in this modern age exactly. Without unnecessary garnishes and ingredients, the flavours of Min’s Restaurant are both light and deep. It was an undeniable delight to consume and for the first time, I licked my plate clean. 

It is undoubted that the man behind Min’s Restaurant has the hands of god.

You should have pride.

But you’ve always loved good food. It’s your Achilles heel. It’s the one thing you’ve been passionate about since you were a kid. The reason why you love your job.

Even after writing such a review, you find yourself booking another reservation. But as a customer instead of a critic.

Of course, they were booked full for the next six months, largely thanks to your review, and they swiftly refused you with numerous apologies. But they called back not ten minutes later. You have a feeling that your name finally sunk into them — that he had something to do with it. 

That theory is confirmed when you arrive. The person in question is next to the seemingly nervous hostess as the noisy kitchen echoes throughout the busy restaurant. 

In the low lighting, Min Yoongi stands there with a relaxed smirk. As if he was expecting you. As if he knew you’d come crawling back to him to eat out of the palm of his hand, literally and figuratively.

You hate that he’s right.

“Welcome back.”