#the only family member who was willing to take me in abused me so badly i was borderline attempting for years after

[isa-ah]

idk! it just feels so much more nasty and underhanded for them to do this considering.

[redpanther23]

So now that I'm home I realize all my optimism can only take me so far. I've talked a little here before about the way my family treat my little cousins and their dogs (they beat them with switches and subject them to horrific levels of neglect.) They also hoard trash, and they told me I wasn't allowed to stay if I didn't do more work to clean than anyone else. My aunt and uncle scream abuse at each other and the kids (and me if I'm there) constantly. It's especially shocking because they're the family that raised me, and living in that house with my grandma was the happiest part of my childhood. It's the reason I moved into my car three years ago.

Recently I visited someone who used to be my friend, who I actually used to feature in my comic pretty regularly, and saw his dog, who had so many fleas he had no hair remaining on his body. The infestation was so severe, I got bit 20 or 30 times in the two minutes I was there. There was trash piled high everywhere, and it reminded me so much of home, I realized I'm not ready to go back at all. I offered to help him clean and treat for fleas, but as with my family, to him there's no problem. I've been in a state of shock because of it, honestly.

Most of the family photographs and records are with my great aunt, but I've been warned she won't recognize me and will shoot me if I show up - she doesn't speak to anyone else in the family. My mom made extensive copies of our family photographs and records, and probably has everything I need, but the last time I saw her was when I ran away from home when I was 15 because of how badly she and my step dad treated me. In 2019 she sent a really long message to this blog, telling me that she'll never love me and I should kill myself since I'll never go to college. That was the last I heard from her.

I need to talk to them so I can prove my racial purity to the creek nation, but at this point I'm reluctant to do so. There are some online resources for learning some phrases and words, but if you want to actually learn in a class with other speakers, you have to either have been registered on a list, or you have to jump through hoops to prove who you are. I don't even know if my family would be willing to help at all, because it has no benefit to them - honestly a big reason I wanted this was because I figured it would also make my grandma a tribe member, and my mom, and then my family might be able to have some sort of assisstance or a community (they are extremely isolated, my mom has been in a mental hospital for at least 8 years, so I've heard.) I was informed that I could only apply for myself, and that even though I would be a member because of my grandma's genetic background, my grandma would not be a member despite her genetic background. It doesn't make sense.

It's hard for me to do things that only benefit myself, when I have adopted family who need my help more than I need to learn a language. When my mom dies I might have access to resources to follow through with this, but as it is, I don't think it's possible (I'm not even sure who would tell me if she died, something I've thought about a lot.) I'm just going to keep doing my work and learning what I can from books and my fellow anarchists.

[staycalmandhugaclone]

I saw one of your story posts mentioning you might take writing requests for trauma comfort... I've been struggling to write this story myself, and I'm looking for a particular flavor of comfort story.

Everyone seems to always latch on to how Hunter is so perceptive and notices things... but there's things he doesn't notice, even with all his sensitive senses. Particularly when there's not an actual immediate danger with a straightforward solution of "shoot it dead" or "talk to it"

Would you be willing to write something where Crosshair is the one to observe, first notice, and recognize tbe fact their new female member of the team, despite being a very active useful member, is tip-toeing around under the weight of past traumas? Then goes out of his way to take care of someone just as stubborn as he is.

I used to live with abusive housemates. While they weren't physically abusive, they were very creative in every other way of hurting their resident empath and later, attacking my whole family. It took me months after we finally kicked them out, for me to realize that i was literally tip-toeing in my own house afraid to make any noise and break tbe quiet, because i used to get badly berated for even small things like rolling in my office chair to my secobd desk while i did filing and paperwork. I didn't sing or play music for a long time, and i still find myself struggling to talk to people.

I like the idea that Crosshair would be the first to recognize long term behavioral patterns while Hunter is very fast in the uptake with someone who's state has changed in the moment.

You're under no obligation to settle this, of course, so please don't feel pressured! I just love the detailed and thoughtful, realistic way you handle writing about things like this.

My sweet darling, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to finish this. Your request became incredibly personal to me, and I both found myself inspired and struggling with how to respond! I'm honored you came to me with this request - I know how hard it is to admit to being hurt like that. Please be kind to yourself as you heal and know that I'm always happy to offer whatever support I can!

Sharp Eyes, Gentle Hands

Warnings: reference to past emotional abuse, fantasy profanity

WC: 2,253

The silence following the gentle hum of the ramp closing left me sinking beneath a deep sigh of relief. Wrecker had sought me out to say goodbye, and I’d peaked from the little kitchenette of the Marauder in time to wave to Hunter and Echo, but Tech and Crosshair were already out of sight. Still, I found myself treading lightly about the ship as I restocked supplies, updated the inventory manifest, and addressed minor maintenance needs that didn’t warrant Tech’s expertise.

This was the beginning of my second three-month tour with Clone Force 99. I’d been assigned to them as something of a secretary in the hopes of improving their less than ideal track record of finishing their paperwork, but had gradually taken on additional small tasks as time passed. While skeptical at first, the boys seemed to have begun warming to my presence, and I was too eager to maintain that trend, even if I was still only trusted to guard the ship during actual missions.

At present, that extra task consisted of reattaching a cabinet door in the storage room that Wrecker had been a bit too forceful with. After muscling it back into its original shape – mostly – all that was left was to screw it back in. I was so caught up in my work, I barely noticed the hum resonate through my chest, nor the moment that tone gradually gave way to murmured words until, just as I stepped back to appreciate my work, I found myself shamelessly singing aloud.

Satisfied, I gathered the tools and headed into the cockpit to return them. It wasn’t until the shouted gasp tore from my throat, body shying back so violently that I nearly slammed into the wall that I even noticed him. Crosshair wordless lifted an eyebrow at my reaction before returning his attention to the helmet in his hands, fingers skillfully toying with the internal gages as though nothing had happened.

“Um, sorry I-I didn’t realize you were still here.” The apology clawed stiffly up my throat, fire burning across my face. He didn’t bother looking at me as he merely responded with a disinterested grunt. Teeth gnawing against the inside of my lips as I vainly willed my heart to ease its panicked pace, I rushed to quietly place the tools back in Tech’s storage, shoulders tucking firmly about my chest.

“Why do you do that?” The words slipped from his lips almost as though he was talking to himself instead of me, but I balked at the silence that followed, fingers shifting nervously at my sides.

“Wh… do what?” The beginnings of an apology sat like poison atop my tongue, demanding to be voiced in the futile hope that it might defuse whatever confrontation was to come.

“If you’re that scared of us, why did you stay?” His arms crossed his chest, confusion just breaching the innate impatience in those sharp eyes.

“I-I’m not… um, I’m sorry you thought that, but I promise I’m not-” My words died the instant he stood from the chair, helmet laid forgotten atop the seat. My gaze instantly darted to the worn metal beneath us as that too-familiar dread locked around my chest, breaths carefully shallow, silent, lest even that somehow worsen whatever offence I’d already made. But he said nothing in the long seconds that followed, and, hesitantly, I stole a timid glance at him. His brow was cocked, but, still, he made no effort to lash out or reprimand me, merely waited for me to finally grasp his point, and my heart dropped.

“No - I’m sorry; it’s not…” The flurry of excuses tangled over my lips, the beginnings of a tremble just beginning to creep over me. “I’m not… I’m not afraid of you, I’m just… trying to stay out of the way.” I assured him, but he merely rolled his toothpick to the other side of his mouth, those frightfully intense eyes burring into me.

“You practically flatten yourself against the wall when we walk too close to you. You stopped eating the yellow ration bars after Wrecker mentioned they’re Hunter’s favorite, even though they’re your favorite, too. I don’t think you’ve ever instigated a single conversation unless it was to update a report, and even then you act like…” His teeth ground together, words suddenly falling silent. I’d felt myself sinking beneath every wretched observation, shoulders bunching around me, expression carefully blank; waiting.

“Look, I’m not…” When I risked another fleeting look up to him, I was shocked to see his glare turned pointedly away from me, jaw shifting stiffly around unspoken words. “You don’t need to… hide every time we’re in the same room.” The discomfort in the softness he was trying to force into his voice was obvious, but the simple fact that he was making an attempt left me speechless.

“Kriff, I don’t even know what I said that made you so damn timid.” A touch of that impatience returned, fingers snatching the toothpick from his lips, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me, and that made the guilt stirring in my chest all the more prominent.

“It… it wasn’t…” My hands drew together in front of me, thumb absently picking at my nails. “My-my last crew was… pretty strict with me.” I barely breathed the excuse, unable to risk meeting his eyes. “I just… I didn’t want to cause trouble here, too.” He leaned absently against the back of the co-pilot chair, watching me with a silence that left my skin crawling.

“You realize we share living space with Wrecker?” The skepticism in his blank statement wrenched a burst of laughter from me before I could rein it back, teeth clicking together even as my lips still pulled up into a small smile. For the briefest moment, something like relief seemed to flash through his eyes, and a sliver of that tension slipped from my shoulders.

“We’re not regs.” He continued dismissively. “Whatever osik they pulled with you isn’t how we operate here.”

“It wasn’t regs.” I felt myself tense for some reprimand in the face of my quiet correction, but he didn’t move, gaze watching me silently; waiting. “I was assigned to a mercenary battalion before this.” His head tilted back slightly, eyes narrowing. “That’s part of the reason I ended up here: I requested an assignment with a clone squad, but the regs don’t usually work with freelancers, so…” I motioned subtly toward him, shoulders drawing tight into my chest.

Crosshair was silent for a long moment, expression painfully unchanged. My mind raced for some way to anticipate what he was thinking – was he annoyed to learn the reason I’d ended up with them? Was he enraged that I feared the same treatment from his brothers that I’d received from the mercs? Was he completely indifferent?

Movements unrushed, void of the impatience I’d expected, he retrieved his helmet and started toward the ladder.

“Gonna do a patrol.” He explained, slipping on the bucket. “I’ll let you know when I’m back.” I couldn’t begin to fight the shock from my eyes, the silent gasp from my lips, immediately aware of his unspoken offer: he was giving me space; allowing me a moment to collect myself in the comfort of isolation… and I didn’t have to fret over not realizing when he returned…

“You should sing more often – Echo and Wrecker like that sort of thing.” Again, I found myself utterly frozen, jaw shifting uselessly around words I couldn’t begin to form, but he didn’t wait for a response. With a few swift movements, he was gone.

-

Things changed after that. Not with any grand or outwardly notable gestures, but it seemed to shift the very dynamic of the squad in the most subtle ways. It started with caf.

It was hardly unusual for the sniper to be the last to force himself into the kitchenette to join us, jaw ground against the early morning grogginess. I was just finishing the breakfast scramble as he trudged to the caf machine. Without a word, he set a steaming cup on the counter beside me before taking a seat with his brothers. I stared blankly at it for a moment, only then realizing that I’d fallen into the habit of waiting for the others to get their own cups before getting some for myself. When I stole a brief glance toward him, he showed no indication that he’d done anything abnormal, head tilted back against his chair with his eyes closed as though he might steal even a few seconds’ more sleep.

Then it was the arguing. Echo and Tech’s banter rarely escalated, but when it did, neither were innocent of resorting to shouting on occasion. I couldn’t remember what had prompted the latest disagreement, but their voices boomed throughout the entirety of the Marauder until even Hunter stepped in in a futile attempt to silence them. I’d made the mistake of treading into the cockpit just as things between them began to grow heated intending to merely return Echo’s power calibrator and quickly found myself frozen in the corner, waiting for a safe moment that wasn’t soon to come.

Long after the Sergeant had joined the fray, succeeding only in adding to the chaotic flurry of raised voices, Crosshair stormed down the ladder, brows pinched and lips wrenched into a scowl, but then he saw me, sharp eyes instantly noting the tool clutched in my grasp. Ignoring his brothers, he merely held his hand out to me, motioning for the device. I tried not to let him see the slight tremor in my limbs as I hesitantly placed it in his waiting palm. Saying nothing, he merely nodded toward the ladder. I was halfway through the porthole when I heard the loud thud followed by a shocked cry of pain, and, in the next breath: silence.

That was the last time any of them got into a shouting fit like that around me. Twice, just as tensions were beginning to rise, Hunter went so far as to conveniently find a reason to summon me. It didn’t take long to realize he’d caught on and was too willing to use my presence as an indirect means of quelling tempers. The second time, he shot me a knowing wink, and I found myself biting my lips against the fit of quiet laughter.

When we found a rare moment of calm, Crosshair pressed things a bit further. A fire crackled in the stillness. We didn’t have to return to Kamino for a few days, so we made camp beside a small lake, secluded in a forgiving wilderness. I barely noticed the lithe man lean toward Wrecker, lips shifting almost silently, but then his brother’s eyes shot open, excitement lighting his face.

“You can sing?!” My heart dropped, body instantly going stiff.

“…uh…” Caught, I could only stare at him in shock, gaze darting briefly to see the subtle smirk on the Sniper’s lips before the towering clone was talking once more, pleading.

“Will you sing somethin’?! We hardly ever get to hear music!” The refusal clawed at my throat, aghast at even the thought of denying the innocent delight in his request.

“Wrecker.” The warning in Hunter’s voice was enough to dampen the large man’s glee, and I found myself distraught to see his smile fade.

“M… maybe just one.” I agreed nervously, and the thrilled gasp it earned was nearly enough to ease the frantic racing of my heart. Echo and Tech glanced up curiously, and I had to pointedly ignore the feeling of everyone’s eyes watching me.

The first words left in something nearer to a whisper than a melody, but the hint of pride just threatening to shine in Crosshair’s gaze emboldened me in a way I would never have expected. By the second verse, I left the lyrics dance over my lips. My cheeks were still flushed, blood still pounding through my ears, but I couldn’t dismiss the simple joy as I took in the wonder in Wrecker’s face, Hunter’s quiet smile, Tech’s datapad lying forgotten beside him.

In the days that followed, I’d caught most of them occasionally humming the tune, and, more than once, found myself joining them with a shy grin.

That innate need to tuck into the wall as we passed each other slowly began to fade, but the next few times it happened with Crosshair, he wordlessly touched his hand to my arm and guided me upright. It was never a quick movement, the gentle pressure an invitation instead of an order, and each time, I found my heart racing long after he’d left.

After several weeks of those quiet moments, I intentionally bumped his shoulder with mine in a moment of frightful bravery. The look of pure shock in his suddenly wide eyes nearly sent me fleeing, certain I’d made a terrible mistake, but then his lips curled into grin, breath catching in a silent chuckle. His hand reached up to carefully ruffle my hair before he continued on his way.

It wasn’t perfect. I still found myself unable to find my voice unless someone else spoke first; felt that panicked dread if I set something down too loudly or made simple mistakes, but that fear faded quicker, my responses felt a little less meek as they drew me into quiet conversations more often. It wasn’t perfect, but the patience and kindness they offered allowed me to take those first steps toward making it better.

Click here or message me if you'd like to be added to a taglist!

Click here for my Masterlist.

Taglist: @arctrooper69 @ct-0113 @padawancat97 @eclec-tech @sol-oya-6116 @captaingregorswife @atomickidsoul @jennrosefx @echos-girlfriend @burningfieldof-clover @manofworm @merkitty49 @get-wr3ckered @dangraccoon @like-a-bantha @brokenphoenix99 @nekotaetae @starqueensthings @idoubleswearimawriter @abigfanofstarwars @chopper-base

[akireu-13]

people used to HATE misa back in the 00/10s, but nowadays i see a lot of posts about how shes cool and pretty and a girlboss. i think the reason opinions on misa changed was partly because people realised that most of the hate towards her was internalised misogyny. so much of it was because she was badly written as one of the only women in the series, and was dismissed because she got in the way of the men. shes feminine and loud and clingy and most of the 00/10s teens who liked death note were either misogynists or pick-mes.

part of it was obviously shipping, part of it was people being annoyed that she was with light when they were attracted to him, a very small part of it was because she does terrible things.

but the thing that i think changed the most was people realising that she was abused. a lot of death note fans who are women love to empower misa and i think its because so many of them have been in situations similar to hers.

she went to light with nothing left. no family, one friend who she was willing to kill, and blood on her hands. she wanted him to love her so bad because if he didnt, she had nothing left. she would rather be used and feel like she has a purpose than go back home.

then, for a huge portion of the time that rem was alive to protect her, she didnt need or know she needed protecting. when she regained her memory, rem was already dead. she had nobody on her side, and was completely isolated, except for light. and if she left, he'd kill her.

in their home life, we see light shouting at misa, still constantly berating her, and spending as little time with her as possible. if she leaves, she might die, but the abuse stops. if she stays, she gets shouted at, but she has a purpose, and she keeps her memories, and she lives, and she has somewhere to live and the task force members to talk to.

for so so many people who were/are abused, this feels really familiar. of COURSE shes clingy. of COURSE shes jealous and trying to fight takada. anything or anyone that might take away light is something that might take away everything she lives for. and she, like a lot of other people, would do and put up with terrible shit just to survive.

misa is a bad person. but equally as importantly, shes an abused person. shes not clingy, shes not annoying, shes not a dumb woman, and shes not an idiot. shes a desperate woman who was repeatedly put down and is trying to survive abuse.

[h1meblogs]

Religion, Family, Beliefs and Abuse

March 12, 2023

                 Have you ever found yourself in a crowded room and had the impression that everyone was staring at you with eyes full of judgment, watching everything you were doing? Have you ever experienced something similar like this while you were inside a church? This is how I feel because I have experienced spiritual abuse at the hands of people in churches as well as members of my own family. I had the overwhelming urge to talk about this with other people struggling with the same things that I am. My religion has made it hard for me to find peace, comfort, and hope all my life. My faith and relationship with God are strong, so I feel I'm risking myself by voicing out. I felt like I was evil, but I can't say it any other way.

                Since I was a young child, I have always put the teachings of my religion into practice, and I have always believed what the preacher at my church has to say. I was indoctrinated with warped beliefs that were intended to keep me completely submissive, under control, and under their authority. I am always willing to assist with church activities and events, and I volunteer a significant amount of my time to our religious community. I believe that lending a hand, especially in our church, is a good deed, and that doing so will bring God's blessing upon me. My family instilled a deep faith in God in me at a young age. I was born into this religion because both of my parents are devout followers of it. I have always thought that everything I do is good as long as I follow the rules of my religion.

                 I have always thought that everything I do is good as long as I follow the rules of my religion.

                After I started high school, I  had a lot more things to do because I was always in the best rankings on the leaderboard and I was also a member of the student council. Because of this, I had a lot of responsibilities to take care of at school. The high expectations that my parents have set for me have put me under a lot of pressure. They have always anticipated that I would achieve a very high grade. Because of this, I became anxious about my grades, and as a result, I constantly studied. Because I'm used to doing what my parents want, I believe that if I do well in school, they will be pleased with my achievement. I make it a habit to pray and ask God to bless my academic performance. 

                As time went on, I got busier. Now, despite how busy I am, I still try to find time to attend worship services twice a week. Although I am unable to volunteer my time in the programs that our church offers, I do try to make time for worship and reflection. Because they took offense at this so much, my parents have decided that they will withhold financial support from me if I miss even a single service at our church. Going to school when one does not have money can be a challenging and fruitless endeavor. I didn't understand why I was being punished. As a result, I started paying closer attention to my surroundings, and I had a lot of epiphanies. My parents are always telling me that it is a sin to put my studies ahead of my church service responsibilities. They say that the people who are closest to me are to blame, and that they are the ones who are driving me to behave badly. When I was only trying to make them happy, I often find myself wondering what I could have done wrong to cause them to say such things.

                They have always been overly protective of me, ever since I was a young child. They won't let me go outside to play, and when I was a teenager, they wouldn't let me hang out with my friends because they don't like them. They won't even let me go to the mall. They always told me that I should choose my friends, and that those friends should be members of our religion. I had to do what they told me to do because I think it was for my own good. 

                 To the point where I felt like a puppet on a string, my parents' strict rules and expectations had me feeling trapped and bewildered. Every choice I make should be in line with what our church teaches. They began to enforce their rules more strictly, to the point where they now prevent me from carrying out activities that are required for school. How disheartening it must be when members of one's own family stand in the way of one's efforts to make a better future for oneself. Because I am so confused, I can't help but wonder if this is God's will for my life. What should I do? But I know God doesn't want his child to suffer, and that strengthens my faith. I know I haven't done anything to deserve this, and it's not fair.

                 Always when I pray, I ask God to enlighten my path and give me the strength to continue. I've realized the importance of always being aware of my surroundings. As I reflected on my own life, beliefs, and morality, I held up a mirror and compared myself to those of my church community. These people wore their masks so that they could conceal who they really were sinful. They think so highly of themselves that they are entitled to judge me as if they were God. They are nothing more than hypocrites who pass judgment too quickly. My family's minds have been tainted by these religions, and good people have been driven away from our lives simply because they hold different beliefs. I don't want to have a grudge, but people have treated me badly because of what I believe, and this was too much.

                Religion serves only to divide us and cause conflict with one another. I don't even know what to call myself, but I do know that I don't want to be a part of any religion because of the complicated beliefs that come along with it. I only want to believe in God, and he is the only one worthy of my faith. Someone is engaging in spiritual abuse when they silence or intimidate another person in the name of God, the Bible, or any other religious or spiritual belief system. Power, control, manipulation, gaslighting, threats, and isolation all contribute to spiritual abuse. It can also be related to verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse. The use of the Bible and God to humiliate and inflict harm on another person is a form of spiritual abuse that can lead to a rupture in one's relationship with God as well as with oneself and with other people.

[oc-avalanche]

10 and 18 for the Skyrim asks :0

So I don’t know if you wanted me to go with a specific skyrim OC so I’m going to go with my main 3 characters: Rennare, Silence, and Adiiele.

I do have secondary characters so if y’all are curious I can add them too but for now, i’ll just stick to the ones I’ve shared the most.

Has your dragonborn ever been cursed? If so, what is the nature of it?

Rennare:

This one is a bit tricky as Ren does consider his gift of magic and his overwhelming power to be a curse. But why? Well it’s based on an old agreement his ancestors made with Jyggalag. 

This falls in the timeline where before Jyggalag was killed as well as made him more lusting for power. As well as Ren’s ancestors who were struggling to survive as they were being persecuted for many things. Of course this yearning to survive slowly became twisted to a yearning for power.

The agreement was that Jyggalag’s soul would be embedded into one of the family members and they would gain an inhuman connection to magic and the world around them created by magic; to the point that some people considered them to be gods. But the drawback is what Ren considers the curse. In agreeing to have the soul of a daedric lord a part of their soul, they also agreed unintentionally to allowing said prince to take control of their bodies especially in great times of stress where the vessel is overwhelmed.

This happens a lot to Ren; especially with his backstory that involves slavery, abuse, and neglect as well as so much more. He wears his emotions on his sleeves and sometimes finds himself overwhelmed and due to another influence, casting magic that isn’t part of the restoration class or based in the druidic magic, it’s extremely painful for him to cast magic which then makes it easier for Jyggalag to take control.

So, short answer is yes. Ren is cursed - by his definition - and by a small sliver of Jyggalag’s soul due to an old deal his ancestors made and he had no control of.

Silence:

So Silence has never been cursed, I mean I guess some people might think her life was cursed but in her eyes it wasn’t. Silence’s life is filled with death and torture and she gives back what was given to her - especially towards the forsworn. She despises them and always will.

She’s an assassin and while she would definitely have a witchy/gothic aesthetic in a modern AU and also have as many cute stuffed animals in her bedroom (and she will stab anyone who judges), she really doesn’t really think much of curses.

Adiiele:

There was one time in her story where she did obtain the ring of Hircine -whom she in a sense worships - and by having the ring there is a chance for the holder to turn into a werewolf and go absolutely crazy.

This even more so when it comes to Adii due to the fact she is half werewolf on her father’s side. So if she were to ever get infected (which is planned in her story) the two different “wolves” trying to infect Adii would drive her body to basically shut down. Because in my story, being infected by the blood of two different wolves would cause the two “spirits” to fight within the infected. 

Did your Dragonborn want to be Dragonborn? Are they a reluctant, begrudging hero, a jaded and bitter hero, or a stars-in-their-eyes “This is my destiny!” hero? Are they a hero at all?

So my only dragonborn that’s my main three is Ren and Ren is honestly at first willing to do it. He will stretch himself thin to help the people around him no matter if they are a friend or a stranger. One time he pulled an all nighter or two to heal a group of people who were badly injured and basically almost collapsed due to exhaustion.

He’s the hero that tries too hard and is hard on himself. If he can’t do something he feels like a failure and because he gets angry at himself, deep down he becomes angry at everyone else who calls him a hero because he doesn’t feel good enough to be the hero they deserve. This is prevalent when learning Dragonrend as he is unable to use it for a long time. No matter how many times he does the shout he can’t do it and that’s because he’s trying to do it without the emotion and understanding that he had with the other shouts. Because the emotion is extreme hatred and anger towards the dragons, created by humans to make the dragons’ bend to their will, to fall on their wings and be enslaved to the ground.

Ren was born a slave to the thalmor then taken away from his mother when it was discovered that he was the first born of the Rieavan family (his father’s family) and thus inherited the soul of Jyggalag. It’s something he never wants to make anyone feel and Dragonrend basically opposes that. As well as the idea of holding an feeling of intense anger and holding a grudge. For Ren, that’s hard. He does feel anger but not to those extents nor does he hold them for long periods of time because he always wants to work it out or find a solution.

In his story, he struggles with this shout and he continues to grow frustrated with himself because he can’t do it and thus he believes he’s about to fail the entire world. It gets to the point that he begins to grow a loathing towards the title hero and towards the dragonborn which then extends to himself. From this anger he eventually does learn to use the shout but when he does he feels a relief on his chest. He feels hope again. And then he realizes that he doesn’t need to continue the negativity that is related to Dragonrend. Instead he starts to encompass the idea of protecting everyone in the world and seeing them smile at him, some calling him hero or friend, it gives him something stronger than the anger he once felt. It gives him hope.

- I hope you enjoyed and don't be afraid to ask more questions or even specific ones <3

[unknowconcreteflower-art-blog-me]

Character Study Angel Dust and Valentino Relationship

This will be a post will be a look on Vizepop’s newest music video for Hazbin Hotel “addict as well as a deep dive of Angel Dust and Valentino Relationship!

Alright full disclosure Hazbin Hotel is an adult cartoon meant for a mature audience and the subject matter is very dark despite it’s cheery outlook so  if you’re very sensitive to this type of subject or under age please think before you watch the video and also this post will contain dark subject matter on abuse as well. Okay with all that out of the way please enjoy it’s review time!

First of all this music video is incredible but what’s even more amazing is the character building for Angel Dust and for Valentino. It shows how toxic and abusive Val is to Angel but it showcase his friendship with Cherri. At the start of the dance Angel's face is not just looking towards the audience, he's clearly looking at someone specifically, in the audience making. Especially with that hair flip he does. He’s doing this for someone one... and then we get a fantastic cut away to Valentino and it is bone chilling.

He’s doing this for Val he wants to be special to him; the way Val’s sun glasses frame Angel silhouette shows how he’s trapped because wants to be loved by him. It should also be noted during this part of the song “I think I deserve some praise...” Also alludes how starved for affection Angel Dust is and wants that praise from Val specifically. But this is how Val keeps Angel Dust under his control in a sense of that he’ll receive it if he’s “good” and does what he says. We get more symbolism of this when Valentino blows smoke towards Angel Dust. And it’s in the shape of a heart that’s being blown towards Angel and is wrapped around him. 

In a sense he’s kind of blowing Angel a kiss...

Not only that but the fact that it’s smoke also shows how fickle Val’s love is for Angel Dust is. It can disappear and go away at any moment, and that’s why Angel so desperate and tries so hard to obtain it. And the way the smoke wraps around Angel shows Val’s love it’s more like a chain and leash. Though it makes us wonder “why does he love Val”, and how did he end up working for him. Though we actually get an answer during his song Angel Dust when starts he sings about his past and how he got to hell.

 This scene in the when Angel Dust sings “Despite having overdose and ending up coma-toasted...” giving backstory on how Angel dust died. From Vivziepop (and the Hazbin Hotel wiki) we know he has comes from a Mafia family and has a bad relationship with most of his family members (who are in hell). Which may have been the reason why he started doing drugs (so he had a rough life). Initial he looks distraught and saddened about mentioning but it’s only when the smoke wraps around him and point his towards Val he smiles continues to “...I don’t give a damn~”  locks eyes on to Val which cuts away to Val wickedly smiling being very pleased. 

What this sequence tells us is Angel while being very sad about his past he doesn’t care about it now because he has Val; he made him forgot about his sorrows!  Right there is where we have our answer, he views as his savior. It implies that Valentino maybe the one that found Angel Dust and “saved him” but in reality to take advantage of him in a weakened state. That’s why Val has an evil grin when he hears Angel sing that, he knows this and as long as he has that card to play he’ll always have a reason to have Angel stay. Which is a real thing an actually abuser does; they use things they’ve done for you as a trump card when there is an argument or guilt trip you into staying with them or forgiving them. Maybe the reason he has stayed with Val for so long...

Why does he seem unimpressed...

I don’t want to go over every piece of lyrics but he basically goes on singing he gives up on the idea of trying to be good and sober accepting that this is his the rest of his life. Ready and very willing live his live like this as he is now to gestures out to Valentino “your playing with now til the end of the night” as he looks confused to this (I’ll get to why I pointed this out). Willing to live on this “heaven and hell high” going on to sing “ he’s addicted to the madness...”and then it then flashes to him in a crying being comforted by Cherri in his room. I believe this is a flash forward after the show when Angel went home. It is clear he’s sad but also angry at himself... Not only that but Valentino may have done something awful to him... 

Earlier I pointed out he was gesturing to Valentino because he’s willing to give Val everything because Angel actually love Val during it... and that’s what angers him (Val doesn’t want to be an item with Angel). And during those moments flashing of with Cherri it shows that he’s going to regret that choice,  foreshadowing somethings going to happen leading up to this... Angel’s not addicted to his life style and I think deep down he doesn’t want it in reality he’s saying he’s addicted to Valentino. And he knows very well he’s not treating him right and he’s bad for him. That’s the scary thing about being in an abusive relationship despite being poorly treated you and wanting to leave you can’t. You can’t help but remember the good moments where they show you affection that makes you think its worth saying. And this next scene I think happened before Angel went home with Val (I assume that he’s the one driving Angel Dust home in this scene). This scene just show how much of a scumbag Val and how he really sees Angel.  

What he’s really cares about is the money that Angel Dust makes not Angel himself, he’s clearly an after thought not even giving him a second glance. Angel is obviously upset at waiting in the wing for Val to pay attention to him. The two girls making out (yes they’re important) Angel can’t even look at them and makes sure he’s looking the other way... Because Angel was hoping that Val would show him some love too but no the first thing he does is check how much he made. And he put in so much effort in the show just for Val and impress him too. You’d assume he’d thank and praise him the amazing show he put on and that performance was especially for Valentino. Though the way he’s just calmly containing his disappointment and anger shows that this is not the first time he’s done this to him just leaving him on the back burner. Just in a sighing slouch and in his head he’s probably thinking “what the hell was I to expect” or “why the hell am I not surprised... “

“Oh Angel didn’t see you there...”

And only when Val finishes counting all the money does he pull in Angel for a kiss, this pretty much saying “Oh Angel, you made me so much money I can reward you now...” making his love very conditional. And the way he snaps his neck up “oh sorry didn’t see you there...” as if he just remembered him now. He doesn’t love Angel he only loves that money that he brings in. I have think that Angel Dust only tries to be “the best” in porn studios so that he can stay on Val’s radar. But I think at this point in the relationship Angel just experience so much of the abuse and neglect from Val he just expects it. He is just unimpressed and he just drained from all of this. Which tells us two things one Angel Dust may have been under Vals thumb for years and Angel is at his wits end. The expression on Angel Dust face is practically saying “Oh you notice me now” when Val finally starts paying attention to him and Angel just wants to be special to him. And clearly wants to be something more to him than one of his hoes... he’s coming to the realization that may not never get that. He’s just a toy to him something that he can play with and toss out.

This scene just makes me so sad... when Val forces Angel into the kiss seconds before (if you look carefully) you can see Angel he really was leaning in for the kiss and closing his eyes so he can enjoy it. Showing apart of him really loved Valentino and he wanted this so badly; for his love & affection this just breaks my heart. Val managed to manipulate him to the point that where he thinks he truly loves him. The reason why Val wants to kiss Angel Dust because he thinks one kiss is all he needs to make Angel stay with him. You can see the gears slowly turning in his head, he’s catching on... aware of his mistreatment...this kiss is damage control. But you can see in Angel Dust’s eye he’s questioning “is it worth it...” now Angel starting to get the full picture, even if Val wants him he doesn’t care for him and tries to stop Val before he gets sucked in again. He’s had enough and this maybe the first time Angel rejected his advancements, that’s why Valentino is angry in a sense “you’ve never disobeyed me before”, and when an abuser loses control that’s when they start getting physically violent; this maybe the tipping point of when the abuse started to escalate. And we don’t know what happened after it just flashes them going to the Porn Studio. 

Which cuts to him throwing fit... after something happens and it’s so heartbreaking cause he clearly blames himself.  And just sinks down on to the floor and cries into his hands. We don’t know hat happened but we get our answer... near the end of the song we have Angel Dust at the Hazbin Hotel to now. Where he smoking just like Val he smokes a heart but it’s a broken one and it saying he’s addicted to the sorrow. Meaning he has given up on the idea of Valentino really loving him with him singing  “...when the buzz ends by tomorrow” and he’s singing about the love he had for Valentino is gone it was good for a while he had it  but now he has to deal with the price of being “addicted to that drug...or getting involved with Val in this case.”

Now he deal “with the poison in his vain” talking about the trauma he received from Valentino... That night he raped Angel Dust in the studio I had a screen shot of the shot of him with Valentino but I though it would be too dark. And he’s clearly dealing with aftermath of the pain and trauma of the relationship and dealing with the scars of it. Which is why there’s a flash of seeing Val in the mirror for a second. But “he’s dependent on Valentino” and has nothing but fear for him now; blames himself and his naivety believing that Val would love him. Before Val’s love was Angel’s drug, it made him feel happy and forget his troubles but eventually that high went down. Loving Valentino ended up hurting and damaging him even more.. and has a new pain that’s hurting him. It’s sad because this is what victims do sometimes they blame themselves. Angel did nothing wrong the poor guy he was manipulated and he’s to the point where Val had made him trapped now. 

Which shows the real reason why he wants to stay in the hotel so he won’t have to be so dependent of Val. Slowly but surely try to get better because in the Hazbin Hotel he still working for Val but it living in the hotel. Though the way he pushes of Charlie he’s clearly trying to hide the pain he suffer especially with how he cares himself. Pretending to be carefree and cheerful which makes it so painful to watch him force himself to be happy. I just love Angel Dust so much he’s just so precious! 

PLEASE SAVE HIM ALREADY!

Okay hope you all enjoy the post

[volturiwolf]

The Volturi Princess - A Felix Volturi x fem!Reader Story (part 1)

A/N: This is the first Volturi- and Twilight-related story I ever started writing and it is quite long and elaborated/complex, as I tend to overanalyze in many parts. I have wrote a few parts until now and I'll be uploading them in the future. I have been quite emotional throughout writing it, trying to understand the reader's point of view.

A/N 2: I'm sorry if something doesn't make sense. English is not my first language. I also include Italian through the story, with translation, but I'm not a native or a speaker, so I'd like to apologize in advance to those who speak Italian. Enjoy :)

A/N 3: According to "The Amagi" on Youtube, Felix was born in 250 BC (their thumbnail), so I used that in my story.

No of Words: about 5347

Mentions of: Abandonment, Abortion, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Coma/Comatosed State, Death Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Physical Pain, Gaslighting, Greece/Greek Language - with translation, Heartbreak, Italian Language - with translation, Manipulation, Murder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Suffering, Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Language, Throwing Up/Puking, Witches/Wizards/Witchcraft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My heart felt heavy. I may have just escaped the cruelest vampire of all, but I also ran away from the love of my life, my mate, the only person who could fully understand me in this world. I asked him to run away with me, but, although our bond was strong, he felt obliged to stay loyal to his master, his creator. I drove as fast as I could, away from the sunny Volterra, and away from him.

-------------------------------------------------------

(Y/N) grew up quite privileged, in Vampire terms. Being born into the Volturi coven was something many vampires could only dream about. (Y/N) was abandoned by her parents when she was a baby, but Aro, one of the three Volturi leaders, took her under his protection, and offered her more things than she could ever have imagined. After all, she was his only biological granddaughter, the “Volturi princess”, an heiress to the throne; her mother lost that “privilege” when she met and fell in love with a wizard.

(Y/N)’s mother soon got pregnant with her, and then later turned her husband into a vampire to help her with her pregnancy, and stay together forever. However, (Y/N)’s parents couldn’t raise her because they wanted to run free and careless, not commit to anything permanent, so Aro took over and raised his granddaughter with the highest honors and privileges, “as a princess should be raised”.

(Y/N) was a mix of Vampire, Witch and Human, due to the grandmother, Sulpicia, being human when Aro found her; Sulpicia later fell pregnant with (Y/N)’s mother, and Aro transformed her to vampire, as he had planned all along. Aro raised (Y/N) according to his own rules and morals, teaching her how to kill humans to feed from, how to attack and slip away from her opponents, how to lead other vampires, and most importantly, how to keep her identity and existence a secret, not only to humans, but other non-Volturi vampires as well. No one could know that there was a possibility of a vampire having a child with a human, and that the child could be effectively controlled and raised as a regular vampire.

As (Y/N) grew older and older, reaching the human age of 25 within 7 years of her birth, Aro would spend more and more time with her, examining and studying her possibilities and her potential powers’ development. (Y/N) grew up to be extremely strong and fast, an excellent tracker with great intelligence and understanding of the world around her. However, Aro could not risk sending her to “Volturi duties”. She was his hope for a stronger coven; with (Y/N) in the throne, Aro felt like he could conquer the vampire world with ease.

That’s why he was always searching for the best guards he could find, to protect the coven and do his work instead of himself, Caius, or (Y/N). He couldn’t rely on Marcus, as he proved to be too emotional since Didyme died, but was still valuable for his plan. Caius, on the other hand, although powerless, was far more sadistic and “diligent” in following vampire rules, and (Y/N)... (Y/N) was just too obedient, following every order Aro gave her - a strong asset for the Volturi.

Aro was changing guards and trackers quite easily, disposing them when they were no longer needed or when he found better ones. He needed talented and strong vampires to serve the coven and do their work.

Chelsea was the very first vampire Aro created solely to serve the Volturi, after recognizing her potential when she was human. Chelsea’s gift of relationship manipulation was truly useful in bringing new vampires into the coven and was used thousands of times during Volturi's reign. It could also easily dispose of them, making their bonds with other vampires break at will; those vampires were isolated by the other vampires and then killed - Aro couldn’t risk letting them get away knowing the Volturi’s secrets and life.

About 100 years later, Corin joined the Volturi, just a couple decades after (Y/N)’s birth. Corin’s gift of addictive contentment was the one which kept Marcus in the Volturi after Didyme’s death - along with Chelsea’s to make him committed to Aro’s greater plans, and was also used on Sulpicia, Athenadora and any other vampire in the Volturi guard to keep them satisfied being in the Volturi. Under Aro’s instructions, Corin was keeping Chelsea content with being in the Volturi, and Chelsea was keeping Corin loyal to them, each of them using their gifts against each other, without their knowledge.

Sometime between 230 and 220 BC, while travelling in Rome, searching for additional vampires to add to the coven, Aro supposedly met a young, strong and ambitious fighter, who wished to become a gladiator one day, named Felix. Felix did not only look, but also was physically capable of fighting even with beasts, during his short time as a fighter, way before the Colosseum was built. Born into a poor family, his strength was his only way of making money, and becoming a gladiator was his only way out of poverty, a way to provide for both his family and himself.

When his family was almost imprisoned by Roman army officers for outstanding debts, Felix was forced to make a deal with them to fight, in whatever they ordered him to. Fighting turned out to be the only way for Felix to deal with his emotions and rage towards people in power. When Aro approached Felix, he was promised a good life, where he wouldn’t have to worry about surviving another day. Felix did not seem willing enough, not being fond of the idea of serving people in power, who he so despised.

Luckily for Aro, Chelsea was the one who “convinced” Felix to join the Volturi guard, with Aro changing him afterwards. Unlike previous guards, Felix showed impeccable strength, speed and talent towards both dodging and initiating attacks, eventually making him a permanent member in the Volturi Guard, along with Chelsea and Corin.

Felix was assigned as the leading guard for the three kings’ protection, this role extending to the protection of their two wives and (Y/N); though Aro knew that, if it came to anyone attacking his granddaughter, she would be able to handle it by herself. However, he still wanted to make sure that she was safe and that Aro would do anything to protect her.

For about a couple millennias, (Y/N) was content with her situation, being the “Volturi princess” and all that. Besides, having Felix in the Volturi was another reason to stay in the coven, apart from staying loyal and true to Aro for taking her in, when she was abandoned.

Every time Felix looked into her eyes, she felt her whole body burn - though, it wasn’t a feeling of suffering, rather a feeling of longing, waiting for something to happen so badly that her body couldn’t control itself. Although she was partially a vampire, (Y/N) would feel like she couldn’t breathe, like her legs were ready to give up on her, like she wanted to grab Felix and never let go.

Felix, although not admitting it even to himself, would feel the same way, but he knew that his position would not allow him to approach (Y/N) in such a way. He was just a guard - although he was the strongest of them all, and she was the Volturi princess, one of his masters, whom he was only allowed to approach in order to protect. He didn’t want Aro to know he saw his granddaughter like that; it could cost him his position in the guard, or even his life. So, he kept these feelings deep within him, not allowing them to resurface, or act upon them.

However, every time these two existed at the same place, the invisible sparks between them would fly left and right. And only one vampire was able to see them. One who hadn’t felt these sparks in centuries.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Y/N)’s POV:

I yawned loudly as I woke from a long, much needed sleep. I was the only vampire around who was able to sleep, mostly due to my non-vampire natures. I didn't really need to sleep on a regular basis, but when I did, I could literally sleep 3 days straight and nobody would be able to wake me up. “For my own protection”, as Aro said, I would always have at least two guards outside of my room’s door, in case anything happened while I was sleeping. Like what could even happen? My room was at the furthest side of this huge castle. I’m pretty sure that if there ever was an attack against the Volturi, it would most probably have been dealt with immediately, and the attacker wouldn’t make it anywhere near my room.

I felt the warm sun on my skin, slightly glowing and sparkling beautifully. My eyes, mostly (Y/E/C) with a golden ring around the pupil, could easily adjust to the light. Unlike the other vampires, I could easily live among humans; I could sleep, eat human food, my skin not being as sparkly as others, and I could control my thirst far better than others.

Since Jane and Alec joined the coven, Aro would show an immense interest in them and their skills, helping them train daily and develop their powers further, eventually forgetting about me. I would spend more and more days away from the castle, “protected” by my anonymity, getting to know humans more and more. The longer I was observing them, the more they would trigger my interest in them. They could feel true emotions, real pain, real hurt, real love. They had their families, they received an unconditional love that I could never have.

Unbeknownst to Aro or anyone else for that matter, I have started developing new powers, similar to the other vampires in the Volturi coven or anyone else outside of it. I have also started noticing that I may have an immunity towards others’ talents, feeling that neither Corin’s addictive contentment made me satisfied with being in the Volturi, nor Chelsea’s relationship manipulation could keep me loyal to Aro anymore. If it weren’t for Felix, or Demetri and the Twins, who have all become my best friends by now, I would have probably left.

A vampire named Carlisle Cullen had visited the Volturi and stayed with us for a while, about 100 years ago. He saw the way the Volturi treated humans like they were nothing, and how they were as cruel as to kill other vampires, with the excuse that they were exposing our kind with the way they lived. Entire covens had been wiped out due to such excuses, a way to eliminate potential enemies from becoming too powerful and find as many talented vampires as possible and force them to join the Volturi.

Carlisle was talking about a new way of life, where vampires wouldn’t have to kill humans to survive, a life where vampires and humans could live in peace, without harming each other. He was insisting that vampires could survive on animal blood just as efficiently as with human blood; that animal blood would not make them weaker, and that it would be a much more ethical and sustainable way to feed.

Of course, Aro and Caius were the first ones to mock his proposition, clearly not caring about humans’ feelings and pain. Marcus did not budge at all, his heartache making him indifferent to anything around him. But I was growing more and more interested in this alternative way of life; I was, after all, feeding on human food already, so that I was feeding on human blood as little as I could.

It was a few years after Carlisle left Volterra that Eleazar joined the Volturi. Aro forced him to join after finding out he could detect if someone had any special ability. Aro considered his gift useful in identifying if any of his enemies had any special power when in battles, or when he sent Eleazar around the world to recruit talented vampires.

Eleazar was clearly not liking the way the Volturi forced their ways and wants on others, and how they could take advantage of others for their own benefit. I could just sense that he was displeased and was forcing himself to stay in the coven, one, due to Corin’s and Chelsea’s gifts, and two, out of fear of what could happen to him and his mate, Carmen.

Carmen, a vampire from Spain, like Eleazar, met with Eleazar while he was a guard here, they fell in love, and eventually, Eleazar decided to leave the Volturi and run away with Carmen. Aro decided that he did not care about him and his gift as much as others’, so he let him go unharmed, “blessing” them for safe travels.

Just a few days before he left, I consulted him on my own powers. Though a lower member of the guard, Eleazar had his own room, a decent place to stay, and spend his endless hours in. I knocked slightly on the door.

“Come in”, a calm voice was heard. I opened the door and came into his room. Carmen was sitting on the edge of their bed and Eleazar was reading a book on his desk. They both smiled sweetly. I just felt and knew they were too nice to fit anywhere in here, among the cruel and strict Volturi.

“(Y/N)! So nice to see you!”Carmen exclaimed and stood to hug me. The second we hugged I started seeing parts of her life in Spain, the calm waters of Catalunya, the vast vineyards where she would spend the early years of her life… I quickly detached myself from her embrace. I just couldn’t invade her privacy like that. She and Eleazar both looked at me worried, as if I had offended them.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t let you “show” me your whole life like that!” I looked at Carmen apologetically.

“(Y/N), you saw Carmen’s life?” Eleazar continued, intrigued by my words.

“That’s why I came to talk to you. I..I feel like I’ve been developing a gift, or a few gifts, to be completely honest. And I feel like.. like I have a specific power one day, and another power the next!” I stated frantically.

It was the first time I have openly talked about my powers to anyone, and I was shaking just by the words that came out of my mouth. Eleazar did not say anything, he just stood there for a few minutes, I supposed “examining” me, as if a doctor checking on a patient.

“Remarkable.” He said calmly. He looked at his mate with excitement, as if he just discovered a lost treasure. “(Y/N) has one of the most remarkable gifts I have ever seen.” He then turned to me. “You, (Y/N), are able to copy anyone else’s gifts and keep them as your own. You don’t even have to be in contact with them. Just by meeting someone, you can obtain their powers. I have never met anyone like that. You also seem to have obtained immunity to others’ powers, kind of like a shield. I have met such vampires before. From the stories Aro has been telling, your mother was like that. It is likely that you copied that gift for her. Such vampires are extremely useful to themselves or even others, in battles. Like themselves, you can use your gift to protect others from others’ powers, beside yourself.”

That came too sudden to my ears. I have assumed that I may have at least one power, but I didn’t realise I could copy others’ powers. That is why I was showing signs of Aro’s power!

“How can I train my powers? Eleazar! Carmen! You have to help me!”

“As you know, we will be leaving soon. I don’t know if there will be enough time to train you.”

“It’s okay. We will train as much as you want. Please, Eleazar! Please, Carmen!” I started begging them. As if they were hypnotized, they quickly looked at each other and agreed to help me.

The next few days, before Eleazar and Carmen’s departure, included intense training, far away from Volterra, deep in the woods, where no human could interrupt us. I couldn’t say the same for vampires, but I hoped nobody would cross paths with us. Eleazar and Carmen helped me develop my self-control and self-awareness, concentrating through the deepest parts of my mind, resurfacing my shield and expanding it beyond my existence. I started to have control over it, as if it was an actual solid substance, a veil floating around me towards any direction I ordered it to go.

After Eleazar and Carmen left, I started travelling the world more, trying to copy as many powers as I could come across with, while also training my shield. My excitement for the endless possibilities was what kept me going - kind of when Aro would add another talented vampire to his Guard. His Guard. Felix. I wonder how he was. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I wondered if he thought of me like I thought of him.

After travelling pretty much anywhere I could reach, I eventually went back to where it all started: I went to Greece. Aro met Sulpicia here, apparently my mom met my dad here. Maybe I could find out, understand why they left me. I have never met them, but I felt as if my tracking skills could detect them through my own existence.

I started travelling through the country, hoping that they stayed here or, at least, that they’re alive. I spent about 2 or 3 years in Greece, trying to take in every different place, while also avoiding the battles that seemed to take place in every other corner. I was feeding off animals mainly, mostly when I couldn’t find any other human food. I was washing myself in rivers, streams, whatever I could find.

I was stopping by any village that seemed to be still standing, asking about the current situation. The Greek Revolution, which started a few years ago, seemed to still be going on. The Ottomans, who had been occupying Greece for almost 400 years, could not allow Greeks to turn against them and start claiming their rights within the Ottoman Empire.

Many Greeks I met and talked to, admitted that some of the Ottomans were actually being nice to them; it was only the Ottoman government ordering their armies to execute massive massacres against Greeks, and after all this time, a few Greeks started gathering up and planning a revolution, away from Greece, in fear of being caught. They started getting organized and finding possible allies to help them with the Revolution; they just couldn’t risk getting caught within the country that they were hoping the independent Greece could become. The battles were becoming more and more intense, both on the mainland, as well as on the islands.

I started looking for answers, anything that could suggest that my parents were still alive and somewhere in Greece. To my surprise, I crossed paths with many Greek nomad vampires all over the country. They were also fighting against either Ottoman vampires or each other for territorial claims; however, they all talked me out of travelling north, towards Macedonia. The region had started being reclaimed back by Greek humans, but vampires were also seeing the potential for the area and they fought against each other for the land.

All of the nomads I encountered were talking about some of the most vicious vampires claiming the land, their enemies being literally slaughtered and burned to set an example for other vampires to back off their territory. I was intrigued, and I knew that, most probably, I would be able to deal with them or flee before they got to me.

So, I started travelling north, through the woods and mountains, in order to avoid any possible battle between humans, though many of them seemed to hide in the mountains, preparing for their battles. Macedonia was a quite big and vast region, so I had to travel quite a few days and search every possible corner.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I was feeling exhausted from all the searching. I haven’t fed in quite some time, and my throat was burning by the familiar need for blood. I haven’t seen any animals all these days, and I was wondering if they were gone or hiding.

Sadly, I came across a human. He seemed to be wounded, probably during a battle, his blood gushing out of his body. I couldn’t help myself, when I breathed in the smell, the burning sensation becoming unbearable. I thought of approaching him slowly, so as not to scare him, offering to help him, but deep down I just wanted to feed off of him.

“Γειά! Συγνώμη αν σε τρόμαξα. Σε είδα από μακριά. Μπορώ να σε βοηθήσω με κάποιο τρόπο; (Hey! Sorry if I scared you. I saw you from afar. Can I help you in any way?)” I offered calmly.

The man was trying to suppress his growls. I could sense his pain. I tried to help him stand on his feet, and then I saw all of his memories. He was in the army, fighting alongside Greeks against the Ottomans, in Macedonia, just outside of Thessaloniki. I didn’t even know I was so close to a city, let alone Thessaloniki.

He was trying to pass through the woods, when he came across what seemed to be two red-eyed vampires, one male and one female. They tried to attack him, but someone else managed to shoot him first, forcing the two vampires to run away. I don’t know how or why, these two felt familiar to me, I could feel that through his memories.

“Γειά! Μπορείς.. Μπορείς να πας στο κοντινότερο χωριό; Νομίζω.. Νομίζω ότι είδα κάτι στο δάσος, δε νομίζω ότι ήταν κάτι φυσιολογικό! Πρέπει.. Πρέπει να προειδοποιήσω τους άλλους! (Hey! Can.. Can you get me to the nearest village? I think.. I think I saw something in the woods, I don’t think it was something normal! I have.. I have to warn the others!)” He mumbled in between sharp shoots of pain.

“Με συγχωρείς πολύ! (I’m really sorry!)” I plead with guilty eyes. I put my hand in his wound, searching for the bullet, while he was consumed by pain. I took the bullet out of the wound, and quickly attached my lips on his skin, sucking the blood as fast as I could, biting deeply unintentionally. His screams were becoming louder and louder, so I covered his mouth with my hand, while trying to shut him up or break his jaw. A few seconds later, he stopped screaming, and I let his lifeless body fall, completely numb and drained out of blood.

I felt renewed, his blood travelling to every part of my body and giving me a new kind of strength that I haven’t felt in a while. I still felt guilty for killing him, but he was already wounded and I couldn’t risk him exposing our kind to others. I assumed that whoever found him - if anyone found him - would also assume that he died of blood loss, so I tried to position him in a realistic pose for that purpose, as best as I could. I left him there, and continued the search for my parents.

--------------------------------------------------------

I was running through the woods, trying to locate the two vampires from the guy’s memories. My mind was chaotic, I wasn’t thinking about something specific. I stopped in my tracks. What Aro taught me, and what I understood from Demetri’s tracking skills, is that you have to stop, take a breath and realize your position in the world. Then, you would be able to realize everything around you and find your targets. I have successfully found other vampires like that before, vampires who I have either met in person or smelled their scent, but I didn’t know if I could find someone through someone else’s memories of them.

I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate as best as I could, focusing on the smaller details of the guy’s memories of these vampires. I felt two vampires running on my west, about 10 kilometers away, and I ran after them. They were running fast, but I was way faster. Within a minute or two, I was running right behind their tracks. They must have realized that a stranger was following them, but, instead of running, they suddenly stopped. I stopped as well, and we were now facing each other.

The female had long, brunette, curly hair, and the male short, dark brown, straight hair; both of their hair looked shiny, healthy, and rich. They were of average height and their eyes were piercing red, as if they also fed quite recently. The female was exceptionally beautiful and enchanting; I could only compare her to Heidi’s exceptional beauty. The male looked quite stoic and austere, though still beautiful.

Both of them on defensive positions, waiting for me to attack. I wasn’t planning to move any further from my position; I was only waiting for their own reactions. I felt that kind of a burning sensation within me again, like a feeling buried deep inside me, trying to find an escape.

Suddenly, the male growled at me, flames springing out of his hands, and being thrown at me. I felt my heart fall out of my chest, fearing that this would be my end. As if my body reacted on its own, I felt my own shield extending out of my body, building a wall around me and protecting me from the male’s attack. My hands started burning and flames came out, ready to counterattack the male. The male looked at the female, dumbfounded by what he witnessed, still in a defensive position, but ready to attack again.

“I’M NOT HERE TO FIGHT YOU!” I shouted at both of them. “I’M JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE!”

The male shrinked back, the female following close by. “Who are you looking for? We haven’t seen you around. Who are you? Why are you here?” The male requested. His voice serious, but smooth at the same time; a voice I could only describe as the warm earth below their bare feet.

“No, I’m not. I come from Italy, though I think I was born around here. My name is (Y/N), I’m looking for my parents. I don’t quite remember what they look like, but I’m pretty sure that they lived around here. They abandoned me when I was a baby.”

“This has been our territory for almost 3 millennials! We would have known if any humans abandoned their offspring around here!” The female exclaimed, as if she didn’t believe a word I said. I didn’t want to tell them the whole story, but I had to show them that I didn’t mean to fight in any way.

“I never said they were humans. My mother was actually sort of a vampire, like you.”

The female started letting her guards down. “What do you mean sort of? I’ve never heard of a “sort of vampire” before!” She continued doubtfully.

“Believe me or don’t, my mother was born half vampire, half human. My dad wasn’t even a vampire before she met him. He wasn’t even human to be honest.” My eyes started stinging slightly. I could have had a good, happy life if they didn’t abandon me. I wouldn’t have to grow up with Aro.

“You said you were from Italy.” I nodded at the male, as he continued. “You never said where exactly.”

I wasn’t sure if I should tell them my real origin; I wouldn’t like them to know I was a Volturi, but I knew I needed help to find my parents. If they were actually here as long as they say, they might have known or met my parents at some point.

“Volterra. I was born here, in Greece, like my mother, but grew up in Volterra with my grandparents.” I looked down, kind of scared, kind of anxious, waiting for their next move.

The female gasped. “Are you a Volturi?!” I looked at her, straight in the eyes, swallowed, and nodded. “I know the Volturi. Who are your grandparents?”

“Aro and Sulpicia.” I answered so quietly that, if they weren’t vampires, they wouldn’t have heard me, my voice trembling slightly.

The female suddenly fell on her knees, the male wrapping his arms around her, comforting her. I didn’t know what was going on. Did I say something wrong? Were they scared? The sheer mention of the Volturi would scare a lot of vampires, but I thought that maybe these two seemed strong enough to deal with them.

The female started sobbing, no tears coming out of her red eyes, her body shaking. I felt something within me break. I felt that I didn’t want to upset them, that’s why I was hesitant in telling them who I really was. The male looked at me, pain in his eyes. I saw a familiar look. I saw me in his eyes, what I looked at in my mirror anytime I was thinking about my parents, or, sometimes, when I thought of Felix.

“Are you a half witch?” The male asked quietly. Something snapped in me. How would he know that?

“I swear, I didn’t do anything to your mate! I DIDN’T!” I shouted at the male. I didn’t want him to think that I would hurt his mate, or himself.

“I know you wouldn’t. It’s just..” He looked at his mate who had stopped sobbing, but was still down on her knees, unable to stand up. “..my mate is Aro and Sulpicia Volturi’s only daughter.”

My body tensed and shivered. If that woman is the only daughter Aro and Sulpicia ever had...could that mean..?

I took a few steps back. “AM I YOUR DAUGHTER? ARE YOU MY PARENTS?” I looked at them in disbelief.

Those were the people who abandoned me! That let me grow parentless, under Aro’s rules and directions! I was breathing heavily, in between sobs. I didn’t even realize that I set my whole body ablaze, until both vampires looked at me shocked. I didn’t feel any pain, but I couldn’t stop the flames licking my body, and in my frantic state, I started panicking even more.

The male started approaching me slowly, trying to not scare me away. “Shush, shush. You’re okay. You’re doing okay. I know how it feels at first. You’re experiencing some aspects of the life as a witch. It’s okay. Close your eyes and picture the flames in your head.” I closed my eyes and tried concentrating on the flames. “Now, imagine them burning out, becoming smaller and weaker.” I focused on the flames, imagining them weakening. After a few minutes, I felt them getting smaller and smaller, and finally disappearing. I opened my eyes slowly.

The female was standing next to the male, watching me carefully. In a quick motion, she pulled me and embraced me, stroking my hair lightly. I breathed in her scent, a mix of mountain flowers and the saltiness of the sea. Her touch was soft, and filled me up with what felt like a thousand different emotions.

But, I mostly felt safe. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt this safe. And whole. I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I hugged her back. Tears started spilling from my eyes. That was my mom! That was actually my mom! After all this time, we were finally together. I felt the male, my dad, hugging both of us, and in that moment, I felt my legs giving up on me, and I finally fell into a long sleep.

[sketching-shark]

LMK fandom: Oh, what do we do about this guy who has nothing but hurt Xiaotian, tried to replace Sun Wukong and his crew, hurt Tripitaka and ordered servants to cannibalize a monkey? Oh I know! We’ll turn him into our little meow meow~ he’s so innocent and Sun Wukong is obviously the villain!

What doesn’t help is this idea is perpetuated by multiple fan fic writers and artists for some reason. Especially some aus they make that turn SWK into a bastard for the sake of the story rather than considering cultural context and thinking they should be respectful.

And almost everyone lets them get away with it just because the art or fanfic is good and they get so popular that no one can point what is actually wrong without feeling like they’re going to get attacked.

I'm starting to feel like my blog is the one anons go to specifically to vent their frustrations about the Six Eared Macaque in his lego monkey show form & the associated fandom lmao. But I guess this makes sense, as I’ve had fun quasi-dragging him before & will in fact use this anon submission as an opportunity to have my own, to put it academically, bitch fest about not just this fandom's favorite protagonist-traumatizing meow meow, but about the way villains are often treated in not just fanon, but increasingly in canon works as well. But same policy as with the last anon; I'll post my opinions below the cut, and as fandoms love to say, don’t like don't read if you don't want to see me dunking on the six eared simian & common fandom tendencies towards villains.

Oh man I would say where would you even begin with this but anon you’ve pretty much started yourself with my main gripe with a lot of ways that the Six-Eared Macaque is portrayed in fandom; there seems to be this unspoken agreement that his acts of violence towards Sun Wukong, Qi Xioatian, and Qi Xioatian’s loved ones are either to be framed as somewhat or totally justified, to be immediately forgiven/excused, or to simply & completely be ignored. Like friends maybe this is just me not seeing the proper posts but while the fandom is inundated with art and fanfics of Macaque as a generally decent individual & a true member of team good guy, I have yet to see one person address the fact that this monkey literally kidnapped & mind-controlled Xiaotian’s best friend and father figures & forced them to brutalize Xiaotian while ol’ Six Ear looked on and laughed (X_X). Like this kind of fandom villain treatment is definitely not something that’s solely at work for Monkie Kid, but it is kind of nutty how fandoms will swing between yelling that people should be allowed to like villains without even mild critique, and then will just flat-out not address the villainous behavior, and will even bend over backwards to frame even characters who committed genocide as just poor innocent widdle victims who need a hug. At its worst, I’ve even seen tons of people in a fandom get really angry at other people who don’t like a villain, and will even start accusing those people of hating real-life mentally disabled or abused individuals all because they don’t like the fandom’s favorite literal war criminal. The Monkie Kid fandom is FAR more chill & better than a lot of other fandoms I’ve come across in that regard, but that is an exceedingly low bar, & the tendency to woobify certain kinds of villains-- as with Macaque and the extreme emphasis on his bad boy/sad boy thing--is very much at work.  

 I’ve also talked before about a kind of monoculturalization of certain character interpretations and story beats in fandoms, and one of the more popular ones that seems to be applied to Macaque a lot is the “hero actually bad, villain actually good” cliche, as observable from the general fandom assumption that Mr. Six-Ears he wasn’t even slightly lying or remembering things through a rose-tinted or skewed lens when he gave his version of his and Sun Wukong’s past. Like at this point it seems the possibility that people WILL NOT even consider is that Sun Wukong never did & still doesn't care that much about the Six Eared Macaque (in JTTW they weren’t sworn brothers & in Monkie Kid the only thing the monkey king really said to Macaque before attacking him was a pretty contemptuous "Aren't you ever going to get sick of living under my shadow?," & responds to his "beloved friend" getting blown up with "You did good, bud" to Qi Xiaotian, who did the exploding), or that their original fight may in fact have mostly been instigated by Macaque. After all, to repeat what this anon summarized & what I've said before about their original JTTW context (& in an example of the things that do feel like it's often lost in translation) is that the Six Ear Macaque was a villain not just because he beat up the Tang Monk, but because he wanted to take over Sun Wukong's entire life and identity so he could have all that glory, prestige, and power for himself. To quote the macaque himself from the Anthony C. Yu translation, "I struck the T'ang monk and I took the luggage...precisely because I want to go to the West all by myself to ask Buddha for the scriptures. When I deliver them to the Land of the East, it will be my success and no one else's. Those people of the South Jambudvipa Continent will honor me then as their patriarch and my fame will last for all posterity." And in order to do this, the Six Eared Macaque had apparently made Sun Wukong's "little ones," his monkey family, his captives through either trickery or force, and gotten a number of them to take on the appearance of Tang Sanzang and the other pilgrims. It's also made clear that in very direct contrast to Sun Wukong, he doesn't care about these monkeys beyond how they might serve him. In fact, after Sha Wujing kills the monkey posing as him the Six Eared Macaque not only all but immediately replaces him with another, but also "told his little ones to have the dead monkey skinned. Then his meat was taken to be fried and served as food along with coconut and grape wines." So this monkey is not only willing to risk the lives of a lot of other monkeys for his own personal benefit, but is also a literal cannibal. And yes yes, I know a lot of people have argued that Monkie Kid shouldn't be considered a direct sequel to JTTW & that's fair enough (for example, Sun Wukong probably shouldn't be smashing anyone into a meat patty in a children's cartoon lol). And of course, it needs to be noted that there are a buttload of really out there & really cursed pieces of media based on JTTW & that were created in China. Yet the above description is the oft-ignored in the west original facet of the Six Eared Macaque's character. And it is this selfishness, entitlement, and treatment of other individuals as tools for his own self-serving ends  that is, from where I’m standing, still very much present in Monkie Kid. Like besides repeatedly going out of his way to physically and psychologically traumatize Xioatian, with the last episode Macaque seemed to be going right back to his manipulative ways. I’ve seen people frame their last conversation as Macaque softening to Xioatian a little bit, but personally that read a lot more like that common tactic among abusers where even after they’ve hurt you they’ll dangle something you want or need over your head (in Macaque’s case, the promise of desperately needed training and information about a serious looming threat), with the implication that you’ll only get it if you do what they want you to, such as, in this case, Xioatian going back to Macaque as his student even after having been so terribly hurt by this monkey, which would give Macaque power over Xiaotian and probably Sun Wukong as a result. And it is this violence and manipulation that it seems the fandom at large has tacitly decided shouldn’t even be addressed, instead leaning more towards a (and this is an exaggeration) “Six-Eared Macaque my poor meow meow Sun Wukong has always been bad & has always been wrong about literally everything” reading. 

And while it is the case that I am not Chinese and feel that as such it would be best left to someone who actually comes from that background to provide more context into how common interpretations of the Six Eared Macaque from China may clash really badly with the stuff the western fandom creates, it also must be noted that, as much as we all want to have fun in fandom & in spite of all the out-there versions of JTTW from China, we westerners should recognize that there is a very long and very ugly history of western countries stripping other cultures’ important religious and literary works for parts & mashing them into their own thing while implying or even insisting that what they present provides a true understanding of the original piece. And while I trust most individuals in regards to Monkie Kid are able to step back and think “this is a lego cartoon and not a set guide for how I should understand JTTW” (especially given the insistence that JTTW and Monkie Kid should be considered there own separate works) there does nevertheless seem to be something of a tendency to take the conclusions people come to, for example, about Sun Wukong’s characteristic in his lego form & then assume that’s just reflective to Sun Wukong as a totality. I imagine a good portion of this is due to people not reading JTTW & especially to not having easy access to solid information or answers about JTTW’s many different facets (like geez awhile ago I was trying to get a clear answer on what is considered the most accurate translation of the names of Sun Wukong’s six sworn brothers & got like 5 different responses lmao), but that tendency to take a western fandom interpretation & run with it instead of doing any background research or questioning said interpretation is still very much at play. As such, & as made prominent in the way people have been interpreting the dynamic between Sun Wukong and the Six Eared Macaque in the lego monkey show, tbh it does seem kind of shitty for western creators & audience to sometimes go really out of their way to ignore all of this original cultural & narrative context for the sake of Angst (TM) in Macaque's favor, demonizing Sun Wukong, and shipping the monkey king with his evil twin (X_X).

And speaking of which, even beyond the potential inherent creepiness & revulsion that can be inspired by this specific ship given common interpretations of the og classic's original meaning (again, it's my understanding, given both summaries of translated Chinese academic texts I've been kindly provided with, my own reading of the Anthony C. Yu translation of JTTW, & vents from a number of Chinese people I've seen on this site, that the Six-Eared Macaque is commonly interpreted in China as having originated from Sun Wukong himself as a living embodiment of his worst traits, hence why only Buddha can tell the difference between them & why the monkey king is much more slow to violence after he kills the macaque), I'd argue that in the face of all the uwu poor widdle meow meow portrayals lego show Macaque is, especially if you include JTTW's events, still in the role of “Sun Wukong but worse” as he is very much a violent & selfish creep. Like he was basically running around in JTTW wearing a Sun Wukong fursuit, but there he had the sole reason of wanting to replace Sun Wukong wholesale so he could have all the good things in the monkey king's life without actually having to work as hard for them. But if you combine that with Macaque now claiming that he used to be best friend with Sun Wukong in his pre-journey days (something that's made funny from a JTTW context given that that status actually belongs to the Demon Bull King lol), his original violence has now blown into this centuries long and really unhealthy obsession with the monkey king. Like he's apparently gone from wanting to literally be Sun Wukong to being so obsessed with getting revenge on Sun Wukong that he's got basically nothing else going on in his life. Like he's only appeared in two episodes but...does he have any friends? Any family? A career or even a hobby that DOESN'T center the monkey king? Anything at all outside of his "get revenge on and/or kill Sun Wukong/use his successor as my personal punching bag” thing? Like dude! That is extremely creepy and extremely bad for everyone all around! As I’ve said before, this seeming refusal to see beyond the past or to do something that doesn’t involve Sun Wukong in some capacity is a trait that makes Macaque an interesting and somewhat tragic villain--he even seems to be working as Sun Wukong’s reflection in a mirror darkly, with lego show Sun Wukong pretty clearly not being able to heal from his own past which is hinted to be defined by one loss after another, and with Monkie Kid even kind of having these two characters somewhat follow their JTTW characterizations in that in the latter half of the journey Sun Wukong often gets sad & starts crying in the face of what seems insurmountable odds (& Monkie Kid Sun Wukong does seem to be hiding some serious depression behind a cheerful facade), whereas the Six-Eared Macaque retains a worse version of Sun Wukong’s pre-journey characteristic of getting pissed and lashing out if things don’t go his way--but it’s also what would make any current friendship or romantic relationship between these monkeys horrific. Although to be fair even the fandom seems to recognize this in an unconscious way, in that a lot of the art & fanfic seems to swing erratically between them kissing & screaming at each other in yet another example of bog-standard fandom adulation of romanticized toxic relationships lol.  

At the end of the day, of course, this is nothing new. You'll find versions of this dynamic across a ton of fandoms and now even canonical work. And as such, I can only look at this kind of popularized relationship dynamic with a kind of resigned weariness whenever it pops up, & my frustrated question with the popularity of this kind of pairing is the exact same one that I have for a multitude of blatantly toxic villain/hero ships, given common fandom discourse & the tendency to either ignore or justify the villain's actions & demonize the hero: if you're THAT convinced that everything is the hero's fault, if you believe THAT much that the hero is the one in the wrong for the villain's pain and their subsequent actions, then why are you so set on them not only becoming a romantic pair, but framing this get-together as a good thing? Like I know we contain multitudes but that's waaay too many contradictions for me to wrap my head around. And it definitely doesn’t help that one branch of underlying reasoning behind this kind of pairing seems to be the ever-present “you break it, you fix it” mentality, where the assumption is that if you’re in a failing, abusive, and/or generally toxic relationship (platonically or romantically), if you put in enough time and effort & attempts to compromise, you’ll be able to restore/have the relationship you dreamed of, even with someone who hurt you really badly. And this assumption isn’t limited to fandom: I’d even argue that it’s everywhere in the culture, hence why a lot of people feel like they “failed” if they have to get a divorce or make the choice to leave an unhealthy friendship. Personally, I feel like people could really benefit from more stories about how it is not only the case that the people you hurt don’t owe you their forgiveness & you can still become a better and happier person without the one you hurt in your life, & that while it can be really hard it can also be a good thing to leave a relationship, even if it’s one that once meant a lot to you. 

  But in all honestly, from my own perspective this kind of pairing is starting to read far less like enemies to lovers and far more like a horrible fantasy where you can pull whatever shit you want, even on the people you "love," & never be held accountable for your terrible behavior or even have to consider that maybe you were in the wrong. It's another facet that makes me larf every time I see people insist that fandom is an inherently "transformative" or "progressive" form of storytelling like friends you are literally just taking status quo toxic monogamy & rebranding it as somehow beneficial & romantic (X_X).

But as to anon’s last frustration, it is hard to know what is the appropriate response with this kind of thing...like for my own part I’m keeping my frustrations to my blog & now increasingly to posts that you would have to click on the “read more” button to see what I have to say, but I totally get the hesitation to give even a mild critique to big names in a fandom. Like I've now seen it happen repeatedly where someone who has a big name in a fandom will make something that's kind of shitty for one reason or another, someone will message them with some version of "hey, that's kind of shitty, you shouldn't do that," and the typical response is either to blatantly ignore the issue completely, or more popularly to make a giant crying circus that seems deliberately geared towards stoking emotions on both sides of the, for example, fiction does/doesn't affect reality issue so that something that didn't even have to be that big a deal gets blown out of all proportion, with the big name often framing what often started out as a very mild critique into a long crying jag about how the initial response to their kind of shitty thing was so mean/cruel and they're just a poor innocent & that YOU'RE the true racist/sexist/bigot etc. if you don't agree with their opinion. It must of course be noted that there have also been numerous instances of people taking it too far the other way & sending not just big names but smaller creators literal deaths threats over stuff like innocuous ships which like holy hell bells people that’s a horrible thing to do. But for the big names at least, the end result of all this fighting is usually that once the dust has settled they have more attention/fame/money/power in the fandom than before, and with anyone who might have a problem with their stuff feeling afraid to voice their opinion lest they be swarmed by that person's fans. In that way fandom does often seem to increasingly be geared towards presenting an “official” fandom perspective about various facets of a piece of media instead of allowing for a multitude of interpretations, and with criticism, no matter its shape or form or how genuinely warranted it may be, being hounded out of existence. I feel like a lot of this could be made less bad if there wasn’t this constant assumption & even drive to think that a different interpretation of or criticism of your favorite work of fiction or your fanwork isn’t a direct claim that you are a thoroughly loathsome individual (& maybe also if people cultivated an enjoyment of learning things about important works from a culture outside their own, even if what you learn clashes with your own initial understandings), but I guess we’ll see if that ever happens. 

So these are my general thinks about the Six Eared Macaque’s current fandom meow meow status & some of my bigger gripes with fandom tendencies as a whole. I stand by my idea that the most interesting & beneficial route for Macaque moving forward would be a kind of “redemption without forgiveness from the ones you hurt” arc--as I think was done pretty excellently with the character Grace in Infinity Train--and if for no other reason than gosh dern this monkey really needs to cultivate some sort of identity beyond his “Sun Wukong but worse” persona. 

[more-stuff-of-pi]

I’ll Fight For You

a/n: lmao i swear i’m fine, just needed good ol’ kiri to assist me in a v self-indulgent fic. also, sorry for taking forever to write something yoinks

notes: did i read through this after i wrote it? nope. we’re fucking rolling with the audacity of not even a single ounce of beta-ing. requests are open :) find my masterlist here

pairing: kirishima eijirou x fem!reader | genre: angst (w/happy ending) / hurt/comfort | warnings: abusive mother (mental/verbal), a father who doesn’t intervene | word count: 2,018

Your boyfriend was practically vibrating with nerves as he adjusted his hair in the mirror. It was artfully piled on top of his head, his dark roots making a sharp contrast against the vibrant red.

“Ei,” you smiled, “you’re gonna be fine.”

He worried his sharp teeth against his bottom lip, frowning all the while. “But what if they--?”

“They’re going to love you, Ei. Probably even more than they love me,” you joke, coming up behind Eijirou’s monstrously large form. Hero work had been both kind and harsh on him but he made it look effortlessly good. You gently slid your arms around his waist as you angled yourself so that you could still eye his reflection.

“I’m just… worried, is all.”

You cock your eyebrow. “About what, Ei?”

He incredulously meets your gaze through the mirror. “What do you mean, about what?!”

It dawns on you a little bit. “Oh, well, she’s not going to be mean to you, Ei. She knows how to play nice when it counts. And you, good sir, count.”

“That’s not as reassuring as it is worrying, you know.”

“My mother is just a little intense, babe, it’s nothing I’m not used to. Like I said, she knows how to tone it down in front of others. I’m sure tonight will be fine. I probably just exaggerate everytime I whine about her, so she’s probably not even half as bad as I make her sound,” you shrug, leaning more into Eijirou’s side.

“Baby,” he sighs, twisting a little to look directly at you, no mirror this time. His eyes are sad yet firm as if wishing you to understand that there’s no need to defend yourself with him.

You squeeze him tighter before letting go and walking to the door. “C’mon, we’ll be late if we don’t leave now.”

❁

You always forget that you don’t really ever exaggerate your mother’s behavior towards you until you’re around her again. Everything as far as introducing your boyfriend to your parents has been going incredibly smoothly. Your dad enthusiastically engaged Eijirou in hero stories, talking about Red Riot’s  most recent media appearance where he was dressed in pajamas and carrying tubs of various ice creams you both had wanted to try when he dropped everything to prevent a construction beam from falling on clueless bystanders. Only one tub of ice cream had survived and luck had it that it was your least favorite flavor combination. Your mother praised Eijirou for his success and his coupling good looks at which she winked, making your boyfriend flush both at the phrase and the uncomfortable comments your mother directed at him. You winced at that, having forgotten to prepare him for the habitual talent your mother had of sexualizing anything, especially if it would ‘embarrass’ her child.

Your mother had made off handed comments throughout the whole night that you seemed to be the only one to pick up on. Your dad might have noticed a few but, as usual, he only looked at you apologetically, never interrupting his wife to stand up for you.

As much as you loved both of your parents and as much as they had their good moments, this fucking sucked.

“--not that she’s any good with that quirk of hers, of course,” your mother snickered as she brought the glass to her lips. You had become a good actor over the years in order to avoid your mother’s bullying over your ‘sensitiveness’, but something about her dismissing your hard work always immediately dismantled whatever mask you had thrown on. To cover what you know must be a crestfallen look, you give a laugh, something that could be called half-hearted at best. Your eyes remained trained on your food. “Oh come on, Y/n, that was funny.”

You chuckled again, hoping to force some genuineness into it. “Yeah--”

“No, it wasn’t,” Eijirou immediately cuts you off, voice straining with anger. You felt your face drain of blood as you noticed how tightly he was gripping his chopsticks. He was fuming. You don’t think you’d ever seen him angry before. The thought scared you. “That was just mean.”

Your mother quirked an unimpressed, subtly pissed brow at your boyfriend. “Don’t be sensitive, Eijirou. House rules: if it’s mean but funny, it’s okay.”

“As long as you get a laugh from it, it’s okay to abuse your child?” He spits at her like venom.

Your mother sets her glass down, eyes narrowing. “Excuse me?”

“You heard--”

You slap a hand over Eijirou’s bicep, squeezing so hard you wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up bruising. “It’s fine! Nothing I’m used to! I grew up on the ‘if it’s mean but funny’ rule, so it’s fine.”

The look he gave you was of incredulous anger. “No, it is not--!”

“Please, Ei. Please, just--,” you averted your eyes, ashamed of your own familiar defeat. “Just sit.”

Shamefully, you slide back into your seat, nervously smoothing out a napkin back onto your lap. Eijirou still stood beside you, staring daggers at your mother who effortlessly returned it. His fists were balled, the veins in his hands flexing with the effort of restraining himself. His jaw snapped shut with an audible clamp as he resolved himself to sitting back down.

Your dad clears his throat, more so than necessary as if the harder he did it, the better he could dissipate the tension. “Done, everyone?” No one answers him. He takes that as the go ahead to begin clearing dishes, desperately jumping at the opportunity to escape your mother’s impending tantrum. You loved your dad very much but, god, he was nothing if not a coward, always leaving you to fight your own battles. You don’t think you’ve ever won.

Your mother returns her cold attention to you, the ice starting to thicken and your mother’s hollow kindness starting to retreat along with her patience. “What are you even doing to help train your quirk, sweetie?”

Taken aback, you met her gaze. “W-what do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t ever see you doing anything at all to help. You do realize that training takes work, right? What does it take? It takes--,” your mother trailed off, flourishing both hands to motion for you to finish the sentence.

“Effort--”

“Effort!” She clapped with your word. “It takes effort! And I only want the best for you, sweetheart, which is why I’m just asking what you’re doing. From where I stand, it doesn’t look like you’re doing anything at all to help improve yourself! As your mother, your concerned mother, I’m just looking out for you, sweetheart.”

Your mind is reeling at her words. You so badly want to defend yourself, assert all of the effort that you have painstakingly put in-- but you are reminded of the precise way your mother is able to leech any ounce of power or confidence from you. You would think that was her quirk if you didn’t know any better. “Mom, I am putting effort in, I train almost everyday--”

“Do you really?” Her voice drips with venomous shock. “It certainly doesn’t look like you do,” she gestures vaguely at you, eyeing your body with a vulture’s gaze. “Maybe you should consider morning and night. Oh! And a diet change, too. You know, since the popular heroes have a specific look to them and I just want to make sure that you can fit that. Since it’s your dream to be a popular hero. Like I said, you have to be willing to put in the effort. Oh, sweetie, don’t look at me like that. You know the difficult position I’m in! Trying to encourage you and help you achieve your dreams while not seeming too enthusiastic. You’re putting that stress on me, sweetie, I’m only trying to help.”

It really was incredible how quickly your mother could erase any confidence you had. Normally, you would stand beaming, more than happy to assert yourself and stand up for yourself and others. All it took was a couple words from your mother, and you turned into a dog with its head down and its tail between its legs, fearful of its master.

Your gut sank and hatred swirled throughout your body for both yourself and her as you once again let her have power over you. “You’re right. Sorry, Mom--”

“Do you know where your daughter ranks as a hero?”

Stunned, you both glanced at Eijirou, having almost completely forgotten that he was there. Throughout her tirade, you had felt a tragically familiar loneliness, used to having to defend yourself when no one, not even your other family members, would. Used to always submitting and used to the shame that always accompanied your forced silence.

“What?” She spat.

“I asked if you knew your daughter’s ranking. I just was wondering, is all. It would make sense if you weren’t aware that she ranks in the top 30 since you were asking about the effort she puts in. I would think that that accomplishment -- at such a young age, too, might I add -- was evidence enough of the countless hours, blood, sweat, and tears that she has poured into this. The effort she’s painstakingly put in. You’re right that being a hero is her dream, and she’s a damn good one, too. Saved my life more than once with ‘that quirk of hers’,” he sneered bitterly. “And, on top of that, she’s so beautiful through and through that sometimes it’s all I can do to stare at her in awe. Your thinly veiled shaming of her appearance is never the result of a mother’s so-called difficult situation, only the result of your own insecurities.”

Eijirou suddenly stands, having finally had more than enough for one night. “The only gratitude I will ever have towards you is for bringing this wonderful woman into this world. I hope one day you’ll actually realize how amazing your daughter is and how proud of her you ought to be. Because I am. I am so incredibly proud of her and her accomplishments and the results of her efforts.”

“And who’s to say that I’m not proud of her, Eijirou?”

He scoffs. Eijirou, the kindest, most patient man you know, scoffs in your mother’s face. “Haven’t you ever heard that actions speak louder than words?”

Your mother gapes up at him, opening and closing her mouth like a fish. In that moment, she resembles a fish and you couldn’t be more pleased with that comparison.

“He’s right, mom.” You rise to join him. “I know you love me. I have no choice but to believe it because I think it would destroy me if I didn’t. But maybe someday I won’t constantly have to defend myself to you and you’ll accept the things I say without dismissing them. You always say you admire me most for my assertiveness but you shut me down anytime I use it to stand up for myself against you. And that makes you nothing but a hypocrite.” You stare her down, reveling in the confidence Eijirou gives you in this thing against your mother. For the first time, you are not alone as you fight this battle. For the first time, you have help. And for the first time, you feel like you’ve won. “Now if you’ll excuse us.”

You take Eijirou’s hand and lead him out of the house, leaving your parents to stare after you in shock. As soon as you make it out, cold air hits you like a slap in the face that harshly wakes you from a daze.

“Holy shit, Ei, did I just stand up to my mom?”

He laughs and squeezes your hand. “It was pretty manly, too.” You laugh breathlessly, still in disbelief as you push your other fist against his arm. “And you know,” he continues, “that I’m the best judge of that.”

“That must mean a lot,” you grin, swinging your linked hands between you as you walk further from your parents’ home, feeling the fullness of a good meal and a battle won.

taglist: @samwrights, @mayaoliviee, @luluwiie​, @gigglyparker​ (i thought i would tag you since you commented on the draft that i posted of this, hope you don’t mind <3)

[themountainsays]

You know, thinking about Brulores makes me think more about the grandkids and their reactions because like... When it comes to ships between them, we tend to assume they'll all support each other and their relationships, but would the addition of someone much older change things?

I'd say Mirabel is probably still on their side- she'd probably realize pretty fast that there's no abuse or manipulation going on, just two people in love, and she'd protect them if possible. Camilo... I think would be less happy about it, but he trusts Dolores judgement enough not to react too badly. If she says she's happy with tío Bruno, then fine. Luisa probably would be weirded out, but would try to keep silent too, if only because she doesn't want to say the wrong thing and make everything worse.

Isabela... I can actually see her being extremely against it, especially with her past experiences. After all, she almost got married to a guy she didn't even love because of pressure from older family members- I can see her assuming Dolores is being pressured too. Maybe she thinks Dolores is afraid of turning Bruno down and having him run off again when the family is so happy he's back? Who knows. But I don't think she'd like it.

Ahhh Isabela being protective of Dolores my babies 😭😭😭 it makes sense though right? Out if the grandkids she's the only one older than her, and she knows what it's like to be pushed and coerced into a relationship you don't want - and she probably still sees Dolores the same way her parents do: as a quiet, docile, obedient girl willing to sacrifice a lot as to not rock the boat. Of course this... unknown rat man is abusing her. Can't they see? She gets into a fight with Mirabel over it, because she thinks her sister isn't taking things seriously. Mirabel insists that Isabela should listen to Dolores and probably makes a passive aggressive comment about "hearing her out for the first time in her life", but Isabela is convinced that Dolores claiming that she's happy is actually just Dolores' way of being quiet and avoiding potential punishment if she tries to escape. Isabela's heart is in the right place, but let's say her fears and Pepa's end up feeding each other in a vicious cycle of anger and worry.

You can bet she doesn't let Bruno get anywhere close to her sisters, tho.

[smolstarthief]

Persona 5/Persona 5 Strikers: Pro-Police or Anti-Police?

Hoo boy... So this honestly has been a LONG time coming on my end because I have seen so much of that debate on social media (Twitter namely) and I can see the points of BOTH sides but there have been moments where it just got out of hand... Especially whenever people tried to put in a more grey/nuanced take only to be slammed and taken out of context. Even repeatedly mentioning the interrogation at the beginning of P5 which, I will admit has gotten tiresome. At least for me, I do still feel for Joker and I wished the game acknowledged his trauma more but there's a thing called, "beating a dead horse" and this is one along with "Haru says ACAB" in Strikers (which was done THREE TIMES in the same arc and it got annoying fast, like shut up already! We get it!). So, let's dive in a little bit:

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!!!

Persona 5/Persona 5 Royal

Now let me just say I know! Police in Japan are just as bad if not worse than the West and I STILL hate the idea of Makoto wanting to become a cop for such naive reasons (especially with what happened to Sae, her own sister!)... But there are at least some of form of nuances sometimes and by that I mean, I can see what they were trying to do? I do agree that P5/P5S backpedaled SEVERELY by deciding to sweep issues under the rug after addressing them and not continuing from such. In fact I feel like it could have been a hell of a lot better. But P5 did something different compared to previous games and addresses the issues DIRECTLY right at the beginning of said game! It was tense and horrifying, but needed. Of course... They then sweep it under the rug and act like nothing traumatic happened to our protag which is NOT a good look at all and I'm still pissed off about it. In the main game's case, it's portrayed as more black and white with only a SMALL amount of nuance like that cop that was trying to help Futaba when she went out by herself and got lost (which people ignore entirely by the way). So I CAN see where people got the "anti-police" message from... But that's only the tip of the iceberg as it's ACTUALLY more about Systematic Corruption, not exactly or JUST police corruption. Namely in politics with Shido and the Conspiracy (which is apparently still somewhat around in Strikers until Owada's downfall) controlling everything all the way to law enforcement. The force had been basically under his payroll (including the corrupt SIU Director before his death) whether by force or not (mostly not in this case though). Now honestly, the police depicted there are undoubtedly rotten to the core save for a VERY SMALL handful (the cop that was trying to help Futaba which, again, gets ignored by several). Look at the interrogators who ruthlessly beat and drug a minor without any second thought or remorse for example. But again, the black and white narrative the game kept unwittingly doing ended up being to its detriment in a way. I'm not defending those assholes AT ALL! They deserved every punishment given to them! But for a game that goes on about grey morality... It doesn't quite deliver on that. Still though, it does emphasize that it's more of the fault of the whole corrupt system, not just one part of it. There needs to be change and reform which is what our MCs were trying to do in a way (more like inspiring change but still). In the end, it's all about the following:

Corruption and abuse of power.

Again the police depicted in this game were incompetent at best, corrupt at worse with very few silver linings. But it's not just them but rather the one person responsible for the whole mess. Who had them under his payroll? Who controlled them and by extension all of Tokyo? Who was willing to dispose of anyone who "outlives their usefulness" or is perceived as a threat to what he wants (including his own family)?

SHIDO AND BY EXTENSION THE CONSPIRACY

Bottom line: They are definitely a problem but it's not just them.

"But, Joker and his trauma?"

I definitely understand that and still do. I fully believe he has and still has trauma with the police. Easy! But... I do feel like people go too far with it sometimes. It's hard to explain but there have been moments where people either use it as a justification/argument against someone trying to provide a more nuanced view of things or... Dare I say, depict him like a "uwu soft traumatized boi." Like I said, it's hard to explain on my end so feel free to ignore it. Everyone deals with trauma differently so there is STRONG chance that I'm overanalyzing it. I just remember moments where I just feel a little, I guess annoyed? I'm not sure exactly but final thing: I understand what he went through and I can't imagine how long it would take to recover but I hope he DOES overcome it.

"Sae? Akechi?"

Yep, even though their jobs are different, they are by and large members of law enforcement no matter how you spin it. Both were broken in a way. Akechi is pretty easy to explain with how Shido negatively impacted his life but not much about Sae, who dealt with sexism/misogyny at her workplace along with the trauma of her father's (also a cop) death. She no doubt had some idealism only to be hit with the fact that she's gonna have to use underhanded/downright illegal tactics to get by and even rise up the ranks. She, therefore ended up (well, nearly) corrupted herself before coming to her senses. That's honestly one of the BIGGEST REASONS why I felt like Makoto joining the force to become a police commissioner isn't a good, even a downright naïve, idea. I honestly would have been somewhat fine with it if it weren't for that fact among other things. Regardless of her willpower, it will go south fast.

Now... Onto Strikers!

Persona 5 Strikers

Since the game came out and I started playing it, I still feel like the system is still beyond saving, especially when attempting to do it from the inside. But I don't mind the added nuances that P5 didn't do much of. It's still continuing the critiques, just shows more of what does happen within said system and even has an ACTUAL officer (Zenkichi) say, "Yeah, my job sucks, everyone's corrupt, there are much better ways to do things and make a change but not this. I'm only staying because I have a daughter to take care of and it's all I know. I'm no different from them." Was it all handled well? I wouldn't say "yes" (Joker's trauma is BARELY addressed at all of course) but a little better than what P5's narrative did which only addressed the issues but not exactly follow up on them. Now to be fair... In the system, regardless of where you live, any one within it who remotely tries to do something or speak against it either lose their jobs or even go "missing" irl. Those have happened and it's more proof that yeah, it's rotten to the core. There's no denying it but regardless, that's NOT what the game is about at all. At least that's what I feel about it as it's only PART of the narrative. I think Zenkichi puts it best here:

Speaking of Zenkichi... Oh boy... Now I definitely understand some of the criticisms with him but honestly, he was the best written (PT) character I've ever encountered! He was honestly the perfect representation of those that genuinely want to help and do good, only to be held back by an extremely harsh reality. It was already hinted at with Sae but here? It 100 percent confirms just how harsh and even cutthroat it can be if it could break someone's idealism so badly. Even Kaburagi of all people thinks the same thing Zenkichi said:

Then there's his past and it's a tragic one! But let's look more at the decisions he ended up making:

While it was no doubt done to protect his daughter, he ended making a selfish decision along with a selfless one (which was brilliant!) with not only allowing the cover up of his wife's death and denying justice for her, but also ruining an innocent person and their family's lives.

It's horrible, but also... There's a grey area/nuance as with the rest of his character. It was both understandable, but also wrong as he, as Akane's Shadow puts it:

He sacrificed his values, his morals, all for the sake of having a peace of mind. Speaking of Akane, she's also an interesting case in a way that she more or less perfectly represents the more "black and white" views on justice in general. Namely the more toxic/biased kind. Her reasons are also understandable but she was also acting selfishly by only focusing on how SHE was effected by Aoi's death and not even considering those that were also grieving her death and/or that people grieve/handle grief differently than her. But back on topic.

Her own views and beliefs that law enforcement basically SHOULD be dismantled (mostly out of said childish bias and black & white views) and it's framed as WRONG and it's very much correct on that. Chaos and order are two sides of the same coin, one can't exist without the other. When I say ACAB, I'm calling for reform, defund, have the corrupt held accountable for EVERYTHING and even face jail time for their crimes! Defund the police, have the ones that arrest, harm, and even murder out of bias (race, gender, etc.), lose their badges/jobs and locked up, make improvements! It's saying that there IS still corruption out there and there's no denying it. But fully eliminating the law in general will just lead to more problems. Now granted, she's young and clearly doesn't fully understand why those views are ultimately wrong but still... It was a very interesting subject to tackle and I feel like they handled it well.

Now back to Zenkichi, he was at first in denial about his decisions ultimately being the wrong ones too and even tries to justify it. Of course, his Shadow said otherwise and that was when he finally admitted that he really did act no different from the criminals he despised. But it also doesn't mean he can't redeem himself and that's what ultimately leads to his new resolve:

That right there along with everything else! There's the nuance! And ultimately despite some hiccups, Strikers handled the grey morality and nuance beautifully! Especially regarding law enforcement! Dare I say, even better than the base game! It continues the critiques with no problem but also showing different sides and areas of it! There is good and evil, but what about in-between? What about the more greyer area? It still says that there IS corruption, sometimes even beyond saving but... Sometimes a small silver lining is hidden somewhere.

Now, the ultimate question:

Is P5 & P5S (namely the latter) Pro-Police or Anti-Police?

Personally, my answer is this: Neither.

Why? What theme do they both have in common?

JUSTICE

Someone puts it best on Twitter that the games are more pro-justice and I fully agree!

P5/P5S gives the idea about following your OWN justice, your OWN moral code and rules, paving your OWN path and not let others dictate it! That's what the MCs ultimately start to learn in both games. Therefore it's pro-justice. Again, do I agree that the system is beyond saving? Yeah. Do I at least acknowledge and understand what the narratives are trying to say and nuances regardless even if I don't agree with some writing decisions (ex: Makoto wanting to become a commissioner despite everything)? Also yes. But at the same time, don't judge a book by its cover for other people (not just law enforcement and politics mind you). Especially some that genuinely DO want to help at best. That there is nuance and greyness, just have to look closely. Some of the MCs are still TERRIBLY written and executed (even annoying) but the message was still somewhat there.

Final Thoughts

Now I fully understand how you all feel of course! I still believe in ACAB and even I agree that maybe I'm one to talk and have a lot more to learn about the world... This is just my own attempt at putting my own two cents in. If you disagree, that's fine! This is just what I've felt should be at least talked about more often. And I tried to phrase it as best as I can without coming off as insensitive or ignorant and if I did, I sincerely apologize for that! I'm not trying to say, come off as a "bootlicker" or any of the sort. I'm just trying show discuss more of the grey areas and nuances that are, more often than not, constantly overlooked. How one interprets both games is ultimately up to them. You, the player. And this is my own interpretation. Simple as that. I hope you all have a good day/afternoon/evening!

[akireu-13]

I posted 10,263 times in 2022

87 posts created (1%)

10,176 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@shadowthehedgehoe

@v3ry-c00l

@dash-n-step

@egbertfan420

@rlydsntmttr

I tagged 4,867 of my posts in 2022

#homestuck - 1,475 posts

#art - 1,364 posts

#gif - 371 posts

#death note - 337 posts

#cat - 297 posts

#dave - 264 posts

#jade - 227 posts

#rose - 207 posts

#dirk - 191 posts

#fave - 155 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i know when i had no friends i was most dependant on my partner and it was really unhealthy but then we talked about it and i worked on it

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

work doodles from today :]

6 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

#4

fursona hours

6 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

#3

i would argue that light yagami is a tankie

7 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

#2

prime minister any%

12 notes - Posted October 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

people used to HATE misa back in the 00/10s, but nowadays i see a lot of posts about how shes cool and pretty and a girlboss. i think the reason opinions on misa changed was partly because people realised that most of the hate towards her was internalised misogyny. so much of it was because she was badly written as one of the only women in the series, and was dismissed because she got in the way of the men. shes feminine and loud and clingy and most of the 00/10s teens who liked death note were either misogynists or pick-mes.

part of it was obviously shipping, part of it was people being annoyed that she was with light when they were attracted to him, a very small part of it was because she does terrible things.

but the thing that i think changed the most was people realising that she was abused. a lot of death note fans who are women love to empower misa and i think its because so many of them have been in situations similar to hers.

she went to light with nothing left. no family, one friend who she was willing to kill, and blood on her hands. she wanted him to love her so bad because if he didnt, she had nothing left. she would rather be used and feel like she has a purpose than go back home.

then, for a huge portion of the time that rem was alive to protect her, she didnt need or know she needed protecting. when she regained her memory, rem was already dead. she had nobody on her side, and was completely isolated, except for light. and if she left, he'd kill her.

in their home life, we see light shouting at misa, still constantly berating her, and spending as little time with her as possible. if she leaves, she might die, but the abuse stops. if she stays, she gets shouted at, but she has a purpose, and she keeps her memories, and she lives, and she has somewhere to live and the task force members to talk to.

for so so many people who were/are abused, this feels really familiar. of COURSE shes clingy. of COURSE shes jealous and trying to fight takada. anything or anyone that might take away light is something that might take away everything she lives for. and she, like a lot of other people, would do and put up with terrible shit just to survive.

misa is a bad person. but equally as importantly, shes an abused person. shes not clingy, shes not annoying, shes not a dumb woman, and shes not an idiot. shes a desperate woman who was repeatedly put down and is trying to survive abuse.

42 notes - Posted November 9, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[highonchocolate]

Take Two: The Guardian in Gotham Chapter 4

First   Previous   Next   Ao3

Note:  When italics are in quotations (“”) then Marinette is speaking French. If the italics don't have quotations, that’s people’s thoughts.

---

After patrol, Dick made his way to bed, mulling over the announcement Bruce had made at dinner. When he had seen that picture, he had wanted to join Jason on his Paris killing spree. That girl-Marinette, was it?- seemed to be in need of a better place to stay, and he was happy they could provide it to her. At the same time, he had no idea how to treat a young teenage girl! What does she like? Sports? Dresses? Both? None? He had no idea! As he lay there having a breakdown in a slight panic, he couldn’t force the image of her broken, bloody body out of his head. He wondered what kind of person that sort of assault would turn her into. He had seen greater people snap after such emotional and physical wounds. 

Meanwhile, Jason, Tim and Damian were facing similar dilemmas over the girl in question. 

Jason had no idea how to handle teenagers, especially ones that had been assaulted. Suffering through fucked-up shit like that would definitely leave you with some trauma. He thought to himself. Maybe we should ask her about her boundaries. His coping method involved wearing a red helmet and gallivanting around the rooftops of Gotham, looking for excuses to shoot people. He didn’t exactly think that was the best way to help her out. Sure, he grumbled, I’ll just walk over to her, hand her some Kevlar and a grapple before pushing her off the top of fucking Wayne Enterprises in hopes that she’ll get it right. ‘Cause that’s totally fucking healthy!

Tim on the other hand, was completely and utterly paranoid. Sure, he was definitely worried about that girl, considering that it looked like she had lost a lot of blood; but at the same time, he was worried about exposing their identities to her. Just one slip up, and she would know exactly what the Wayne family did at night. Not to mention that if they ended up getting injured, they’d have to figure out how to hide it from her. As he hacked into her school records, he noticed that she had filed several bullying complaints that had never been acknowledged, as well as a request to transfer classrooms that had been dismissed. Just how corrupt is this school?! He thought to himself as he saw how the principal-Monsieur Damocles- had bent to one girl’s every whim, just because her father was the Mayor! Abuse of power, and ignoring bullying reports? He thought to himself. This is not going to end well for them. With that, he completely launched himself into digging up every bit of dirt he could find on that school and it’s staff; completely forgetting about his original panic over being discovered.

And as for Damian, he was completely furious that there would be another person living in the Manor with them! Not to mention she had to go to Gotham Academy as well! He hadn’t even met this Marinette, and she was already proving to be a pain. 

---

As the day of their Marinette’s arrival dawned bright and clear, four members of the family waited for the arrival of their last member and guest. Bruce was slightly nervous. He had never had a girl so young stay in the Manor before, and he didn’t know how to greet her. Did he shake her hand? Smile and wave? Shake her hand then smile? Wave then shake? 

Dick, however, was full of excitement that their new guest was arriving in a couple of hours. He wondered if she knew any gymnastics, and if she would be willing to do some flexibility-related stretches and workouts with him.

All his other children were scattered throughout the city, doing various different things. Jason was up in the Manor library, reading his latest novel. Tim was in his office at WE, finishing up some paperwork he had wanted to fill out before Marinette arrived. Damian, thankfully, was at school, and wouldn’t be returning until later in the evening.

His thoughts were cut short by Tim’s arrival. As he walked into the kitchen and came back with a large mug of coffee, Jason trudged downstairs, and they all sat around in the living room continuing to work and read as they waited for Marinette and Alfred.

Half an hour later, Bruce was alerted to the gates in front of the Manor opening. They all lined up outside the house and watched as the sleek, black limo pulled up in front of the house. 

They waited patiently as Alfred got out of the car and headed to the trunk before opening it and taking out a suitcase, and what looked like a foldable wheelchair. The four of them were confused. Why would she need a wheelchair? Surely her classmates hadn’t injured her that badly? Their thoughts were cut off by Alfred opening the back door on the opposite side of the car. He bent down and proceeded to open the wheelchair, before wheeling it around to face the family. When they caught their first glimpse of their guest, they were absolutely floored.

They had all seen many worse injuries during their nightly patrols, and several injured children years younger than her, but when they saw Marinette, they were shocked into silence at her battered appearance.

She was a decent height at around 5’ 4”, but compared to Bruce and Jason she was absolutely tiny. She had several dark purple-blue bruises that contrasted sharply with her pale skin as well as an angry gash covered in stitches on her forehead. She also sported a clunky cast and a thick brace on her leg and wrist. With her dark hair pulled into space buns, and blue eyes, as well as how small and bruised she looked, they all felt a rush of protectiveness flood through them when they saw her. 

Their silent shock was interrupted by Jason leaning over to Bruce and whispering angrily “You said her classmates did this to her?!” At his exclamation, the other three tensed in anger at the reminder that her old friends had been the ones to injure her so severely. They were snapped out of their thoughts by Marinette speaking.

“Bonjour, Monsieur Wayne! Thank you for letting me stay in your house with you! I promise I’ll do my best to not be a bother to you and your family.” Her voice was slightly rough from when she had been crying, but she spoke sweetly, and politely. At her statement, Jason jumped in “No problem Pixie Stick! The only nuisance here is the Demon Spawn, and he’s not home yet.” She blinked up at him, before her mouth twitched up into a half-smile. “Thank you, Monsieur. I’m sorry but I didn’t get your name…” she trailed off. 

“Sorry about that Sunshine, he’s Jason, I’m Dick, and the sleep deprived one is Tim.” Dick interjected. “And you don’t have to call us Monsieur, either. Just our names are fine.” 

“Oh okay. Thank you Mister Bruce, and thank you Dick! I’m Marinette, but I’m sure you knew that already. You can call me Mari if you’d like. I’m not very picky about nicknames!” She laughed. 

“Now if the young Masters are done with their introductions, I will gladly show Miss Marinette to her room.” Alfred cut in. “Thank you Monsieur Alfred, that would be wonderful.” The girl in question smiled up at him from her seat in the wheelchair before he wheeled her inside.

---

Marinette thanked Alfred as he wheeled her into her room. He mentioned that someone named “Damian” was at school, and that she would be attending school after she gets adjusted to the time difference. After he left, she opened her bag to let the Kwami out, and waited for their excited chattering to calm down. Once they had quieted, she spoke. “Hey Tikki? Do you think it was wrong to tell Alfred about the Miraculi being active in Paris?” she questioned as she fiddled with the straps on her bag. ”I was just so excited to meet another wielder that everything slipped out!” 

The Kwami was quick to reassure her. “Oh no Marinette, it's okay. SInce you are the Guardian now, you need all the help you can get. And besides, you already recognized each other’s auras, so there was no point in trying to hide it!” She flew up to her face and patted her unbruised cheek gently. 

“Oh no! I completely forgot to tell Alfred that I’m the Guardian!” She shrieked. “What if he gets mad at me for being too inexperienced?! He’ll kick me out and I’ll have to live on the streets! Then I’ll end up becoming part of the Crime Alley hierarchy, living alone in an abandoned building with a stray cat named Tommy! Tikki this is a disaster! A disaster!!” She would have continued to ramble in french, if it wasn't for the fact that Wayzz had flown up to her and reminded her that she needed to shower because she had been on an airplane and in the airport.

Several curses, near falls, and plastic cast coverings later, Marinette limped out of the shower, exhausted but clean. She quickly tied her hair onto a messy bun before changing into warm leggings (although she couldn’t fully pull one side down due to her cast) and a sweater. Gotham was cold! She let the Kwami roam around her giant room as she put her clothes into her closet. 

After settling in, she plugged in her phone and texted her friends. 

FashionableBug: Just got everything organized and took a shower. Turns out M. Wayne has four kids! I met Dick, Jason and Tim, and apparently Damian is at school. 

QueenofMean: Maribug! How dare u not text us as soon as you arrived! Ur plane landed over three hours ago! 

Snakey Boi: Chlo’s right, Mari. We were all worried bout u.

FahsionableBug: Sorry u guys. Everything was going so fast I completely 4got!

FashionableBug: Also I met a Peacock wielder!!!!!!!

You’reUnderAgreste: Really?! Buginette thats amazingggg

DragonGurl: Wonderful news indeed, Mari. They must have lots of advice for you.

QueenofMean: !!!!!! 

QueenofMean: Nettie thats awesome!!!!!!

SnakeyBoi: Thats totally great!

SnakeyBoi: Also who is it???

FashionableBug: lol Luka its Alfred their butler. Tho hes more like a grandfather

FashionableBug: Anyways, I’m going to go find the kitchen. I wanna make the Kwami some macarons!

FashionableBug: Bye!!!

DragonGurl: Bye Marinette.

You’reUnderAgreste: Bye Bugaboo!

QueenofMean: Bye Bug!

SnakeyBoi: Bye Mari!

Marinette smiled as she put her phone down. Glancing over at the Kwami flying around the room, she stretched before calling out “I’m going to see if I can bake in the kitchen. Do any of you want to join me?” Before she had even finished her sentence Tikki and Kaalki were flying over to her and nestling in her bun. Laughing at their antics, she maneuvered herself into the chair before wheeling herself down the hall. She hadn’t gone very far when she bumped into Alfred walking out of another door. "Salut, Monsieur Alfred! Would you mind showing me where the kitchen is? I was thinking of making some sweet treats for my...friends.” At her statement, Tikki and Kaalki poked their heads out of her bun to wave, before hiding again. Smiling, Alfred turned to her and spoke. “Of course Guardian. Right this way.”  Her eyes darted to meet his hesitantly. “You aren’t mad that I’m the Guardian?” Alfred paused and looked her directly in the eyes. “Miss Marinette, I am in no way questioning your capabilities as a Guardian. You are very powerful, and I have no doubt you will do an amazing job. I am simply upset over how you seem to have no Mentor or any form of Guidance to help you.” Sighing in relief, she smiled. “Well, my old Master lost his memories because he had to give up his memories after being compromised. I do have the Grimoire though, and I was also hoping you would help me as well?” She questioned, looking up at him hesitantly. As they walked into the kitchen, he bowed to her and stated “It would be my greatest honor to assist you, Great Guardian.” She laughed and thanked him before beginning to bake. 

She hummed a simple melody designed to bring about calm and peace, and soon she was happily working in her own tranquil little bubble. 

An hour later, as she was frosting the little pastries, Jason walked in, drawn by the smell of sugar and freshly baked goods. “Hey Alfred! What cooki-” he cut himself off. “Sorry Pixie Stick, I thought you were Alfred. Only he can make something worth eating in this house!” 

“Oh it’s no problem Jason, I was just making macarons. My parents own a bakery, so I’m kinda used to just baking whenever.” She laughed softly

“Damn Pixie, macarons?! You haven’t been here a day, and you’re already much nicer than all my asshole brothers!” 

“Yeah, well these are for after dinner, so no touching ‘till then!” She warned.

He sat at the counter and scrolled through his phone as she decorated the pastries. Soon enough, she had them all completed and proceeded to carefully take the tray and wheel over to the fridge. Before she could move an inch, Jason had leapt up and placed the tray in its designated spot. “Sorry Pix, but I’ll get that for ya. We don’t need you accidentally crashing or dropping these heavenly treats!” He laughed.

She crossed her arms and pouted up at him, before her mouth stretched into a wide grin. As she wheeled herself into the dining room, she swiftly turned her head and stuck her tongue out before disappearing through the door into the room beyond.

---

Dinner with the Wayne family was a rambunctious affair. Dick and Jason bantered good-naturedly over their meals as Bruce sighed tiredly in the background. Tim moved lethargically, downing giant gulps of coffee as he ate his meal. Damian apparently was studying with his friend Jon, and therefore wouldn't be eating with them. They all smiled and laughed as they talked through dinner. Marinette told them about her friends, before adding that they’d probably video call her tomorrow so they could meet the family. Bruce assured her that it was not a problem and added that he would be glad to speak with her parents. After eating, she headed up to her room to work on the outfit she had been sketching on the plane. 

She immersed herself in designing, and ended up finally going to sleep shortly after midnight. The Kwami flew over to their little nest of pillows and blankets, and she turned off the lights before drifting off to sleep. Her dreams were plagued by nightmares of looming shadows and ethereal dark butterflies destroying the world in fire. She watched in helpless terror, stuck in her Ladybug persona, unable help as the world burned. The horrific dreamscape was shattered by the sound of her phone blaring out an Akuma alarm. 

She leaped out of bed and shut off the shrill noise as she called for Tikki and Kaalki before leaping through the portal and into Paris.

She ended up in a ravaged, unrecognizable landscape covered in flames. Looks like her dream had been semi-accurate after all. The Eiffel Tower was partially melted, and fires were cropping up all over the city. The four simultaneous thuds behind her signified the arrival of her team. As one they looked upon their ravaged city and charged the Akuma.

[makbarnes]

Hey I was wondering if I could request a one shot. It mentions some heavy topics so I would like to apologize in advance in case it bothers you.

Loki x reader where they’re newly budding friends and he finds out that she has never really indulged in sex due to trauma from being sexually assaulted when she was younger. Knowing that she trusts him, he offers to sleep with her to help her overcome her fear and she accepts it. Can the smut be slow and passionate and include soft dom Loki, with a romantic ending?

Change of Plans! I discussed changing the character for her request! This is for @yeeetmyasss Steve X Reader

A/N: I hope you enjoy! Warning there is a little cut scene where it flashes back to the reader's past but doesn't describe anything. BTW this really got away from me! I enjoyed writing this so much!

PROMPT: Steve x reader where they’re newly budding friends and he finds out that she has never really indulged in sex due to trauma from being sexually assaulted when she was younger. Knowing that she trusts him, he offers to sleep with her to help her overcome her fear and she accepts it. Can the smut be slow and passionate and include soft dom Steve, with a romantic ending

WORD COUNT: Over 4K

You carefully slipped on your jacket in hopes it would cover enough of your skin for you to be comfortable. Your hair helped cover your neck and yet you still felt exposed. You felt the cold air on your legs and you could feel the tears brimming your eyes. You held back your tears as you grabbed your things and headed for the elevator in the Tower. You smiled to push the feelings down as you walked, Waving at Sam and Bucky you headed straight for the kitchen to grab a sip of water before leaving. As you leaned against the counter your fingers gripped the marble and you couldn’t help but sink into your thoughts. Your eyes flashed a deep blue as your memories took over.

Night after Night, You dreaded the night. It happens every night and you keep trying to prevent it. Hiding, acting like you were asleep, even faking sick, nothing stopped him. You had moved in with a close member of your family after your parents had divorced and the state concluded it was unfit to live with any of them. Every night was the same thing, he’d come in sometime after he had a few drinks, you could always smell it on his breath. Knob Creek Bourbon Even to this day that certain kind just sent shivers down your spine. You never wear your hair up to sleep anymore, It would give him access to more skin at night. You always tried to wear thick clothing and you still do every night when you sleep. It started off small, a grope or a kiss that lasted a bit too long, then it came to him covering your mouth, forcing himself onto you. You cried each time and you were thankful for the night you didn’t have to see him. You lost count over the years, You just felt numb...The night of your thirteenth birthday you fought back, ran off and found yourself running into HYDRA. After the years of abuse and silence you agreed to their experiments that ended up giving you powers, HYDRA set you loose after they searched your mind and found the trauma. They released you and you set forth to kill your trauma at the source. You started with your parents then your uncle. He laughed in your face as you choked him with your powers, He fell limp and you set the trailer on fire in hopes it would burn the memories as well. After that night you had turned yourself into the Avengers and they added you to the team.

“Angel?” Steve held himself back from touching you knowing what happened last time he did. He heard your sniffles and decided to lean against the counter next to you. Your knuckles were tight and you felt locked in your fears. “{Y/N}? Hey, it’s Steve, I’m right here. It’s okay.” You gasped as your mind came back to you and saw Steve standing next to you with worried eyes.

“Sorry.”

“Nothin’ to be sorry for.” You gave him a quaint smile before turning away and trying to clean your face of tears. “You goin somewhere?”

“I have a date.”

“A-a Date?! Oh...w-with who?” Steve stumbled over his words as he mentally cursed himself for his reaction.

“Don’t act so surprised, Old Man. I can pull a guy.”

“I know you can, Angel. Just surprised.”

“Don’t go gettin’ jealous on me now.” You nudged his shoulder as you sent him a wink and took your phone from your small bag. “I’m texting you my location. Just to be safe.”

“Or you could just not go. Stay with me and watch a movie.” Steve suggested quietly and you held the blush away from your cheeks. You kissed Steve’s cheek bye as you texted the boy you were supposed to meet. Steve had felt jealous as you walked away. He loved you and wanted you so badly but you never acted that way towards him. He thought he was like a brother in your mind so he pushed it down and took what he could get. Just your presence calmed him. He had started calling you when he had a nightmare or trouble sleeping and waited for you to invite him to your room to talk. The first time he snuck up on you while you were sleeping he instantly regretted it when you slammed him into the wall. Steve understood and didn’t as when you had reacted that way, some people liked their privacy. Unknowingly to him you liked him just as much as he did you. The touching was rare but when it did happen it was enveloping. The late night cuddles when you each had fallen asleep as you watched a movie, relaxing against each other after hard missions full of fighting. Everything about the man made you feel safe.

Your breath hitched when you spotted your date at the bar. You were never against drinking, you were just scared around men who couldn’t hold their alcohol. That was an issue you never had to worry about with Steve. Each time you talked with someone they had blown their chances before you even set a date with them. You were partially grateful for that fact, you were just waiting for Steve to ask you out. You hoped for it, you even dreamt about it most nights. You pushed Steve to the back of your mind as you plastered a bright smile over your face and approached your date.

“Hey Brandon?”

“Hey! God you are hotter than your pictures.”

“Uhm, thanks. Did you wanna grab a table?”

“I’d rather sit here at the bar, if that’s okay.”

“Perfectly fine.” You slid into the empty seat next to him and ordered a club soda. Something to just take the edge off but to keep you lucid incase. You noticed Brandon’s eyes roaming over your body and you felt a bit exposed as he did. “So, How was your day?”

“Boring, I’m hoping to spice it up tonight.” He reached his hand for your thigh and you quickly moved it away from his reach. You cleared your throat and hoped he would turn off the douchebag side of him. Brandon downed the rest of his drink and you rolled your eyes as his actions.

“What do you like to do?"

“Fuckin’ pretty ladies. Wanna get out of here?”

“Ugh! Yea, I'm leaving." You slammed your glass down as you stood and started to walk out of the restaurant.

“Woah! Where are you goin’?!” Brandon jerked his hand out to grab your wrist and pull you back to your seat. You stumbled but thankfully caught yourself against your chair.

“I’m going home! Let go of me!”

“No, I think you are gonna sit here and make this worth my time.”

“No the fuck I won’t” You slung his hand off of your wrist and slapped him hard across the face.

“You dumb bitch!”

“You fucking douchebag.” You easily left the restaurant and hailed a taxi to take you back to the Tower. You brushed away the few tears you had and held off your panic attack until you knew you were safe. You slammed the taxi door and stomped into the building. Tapping your foot in anger the elevator seemed to take forever, you prayed for the main room to be empty and for everyone to be doing their own things on a Friday Night. You grabbed your phone and deleted the dating app you had set up. All the guys in there just wanted one thing. You wanted to build a relationship not just fuck and leave. You tucked your phone away and groaned while the elevator opened. You kicked off your heels and ignored everyone in the main room as you went to your room. You quickly changed out of your uncomfortable dress and slipped on your joggers with one of Steve’s sweatshirts. You smiled as his scent covered you and felt safe again. You tucked your knees into your chest as you sat on your bed. Your mind ran over your thoughts and you compelled your thumb to hover over his contact in your phone. Steve would always be there.

Your breath quickened and tears started streaking down your face. You held your knees tightly and tucked your nose against the collar of Steve’s shirt. He knew you had it, He had given it to you after a night full of PTSD terrors and bloodshot eyes because you were too scared to fall asleep. You ran your finger through your hair and you pulled, trying to keep yourself grounded. Your eyes panned to the door. If you could make it a few feet. Steve was right across the hall. Just a few steps. You willed yourself to stand but felt your legs shaking, breaking out to a full sob you reached for your small clutch and pressed the green call button next to his already open contact. You just stayed silent, your sniffles echoing back from the rings as you waited for him to answer.

“Hey! Are you okay? Do I need to pick you up?” Steve’s protective tone shined through the phone and you held your mouth open to speak but it just came out as a whimper. “I need you to tell me where you are.”

“I-I…”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y locate {Y/F/N}.”

“{Y/F/N} is in her room, Captain.” The only thing you could hear were heavy footsteps echoing over the phone and you kept pushing the tears away with the sleeves of his sweater. You jerked when you heard a knock and tried to speak.

“It’s Steve, I’m coming in okay?” You nodded silently, knowing he couldn’t see you. You needed him. The only touch you ever welcomed was Steve. As he easily opened the door you sat balled on the floor with your face covered with tears. “Angel. What happened?” You shook your head no repeatedly as he sat beside you on the floor. “You don’t have to talk about it. It’s okay.” Without warning you climbed into his lap and snuggled against his broad chest. His hand rubbed up your spine while you stained his shirt with tears. Your shoulders began trembling while his warmth enveloped you, Steve pressed his lips against your head and let you cling onto him.

“Why can’t all guys be like you?” You looked up at him with tears filled eyes and sniffled.

“I’m Captain America sweets. Nobody is like me.” Steve’s thumb gently wiped away your tears. “What happened?”

“Just a douchebag only wanting sex and no relationship.”

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing then.” Steve ran his fingers over your hair as both of your movements grew still. You felt a pit of nervousness growing when your panic settled and you realized you were in his lap. Clearing your throat as you stood up Steve followed quickly and offered his hand out to you. “Since you’re home, wanna watch a movie with me now?” His bright smile was hard to say no to but you wanted to stay in your room. Your eyes darted between his hand and your bed while you tried to decide. “Wait here.” Steve rushed out of your room as you sat on your bed.

He quickly came back with four movie cases and his bowl full of popcorn with two boxes of your favorite candy. “Movie night in your room then. Need me to get anything else?”

“How did you get my candy so fast?”

“I have a secret stash in my room for you. For nights like this.”

“You are going to have to show me this stash.” You blushed as he climbed into your bed next to you. Tucking yourself against the wall the first movie started and Steve kept his distance. He placed the popcorn bowl between the both of you while he sat relaxed against your headboard. You tucked your feet under the blanket as your fingers pinched at your candy pieces. Steve tried to keep his attention to the move but kept finding himself watching you with a small smile on your face and your eyes glistening against the bright colors from the screen. You noticed his staring and set down your candy. Moving the bowl onto his lap you inched closer and laid directly next to him.

“Now stop staring.”

“I wasn’t”

“You were. I saw you.”

“Prove it.” Steve smirked as he took a few pieces of popcorn. You both stayed silent for a moment and you felt yourself messing with the sleeve on his sweater.

“Thank you Steve.”

“For what?”

“Cheering me up. You always know what to do.”

“How can I not? You're my girl. No thanks needed.”

“I’m not your girl Steve. I’m your best friend.”

“What if you were my girl?” Steve locked eyes with you as a blush creeped onto your face.

“W-what?”

“What if you were my girl, Angel?”

“Steve, you don’t want me as yours, too much shit to deal with.”

“That’s not true {Y/N}, I’ve always wanted you to be mine. Why do you think I never go on the dates Nat sets up? I’m always checking on you, I’m always worried about you. But you never seemed to want that so I just never pushed, but I’m tired of you going on dates and coming back hurt because they just want that one thing. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship but I want you, I’ve always wanted you since you joined.” Steve reached out to brush the hair away from your face but you jerked away from him. “Hey, I’m sorry Angel. I’ll just go okay? Don’t worry about it…” Steve’s voice dropped in sadness as he quickly ran into his room with a slam of his door. You still sat shocked on your bed at what he just said.

“Steve Rogers, Captain America wants you...You?! A trauma filled, scared of sex, timid girl like you?! And you sat there silent, let him think you crushed his dreams! Maybe he’s confused, Maybe he doesn’t want you. Just a thing to be conquered. No, it’s Steve. He would never. Shit I’m still wearing his shirt. God what did I do?”

You knocked yourself out of the trance and moved after Steve. You chewed your lip as you knocked on his door and your breath hitched when it opened.

“Who is - oh. Hi.”

“Can I come in?” Steve opened his door wider for you to slip inside and you stood there awkwardly as he shut the door again. “Look {Y/N} I’m sorry. I just can’t take it anymore. It’s fine if you just see me as a friend and we can stay that way.” His eyes pleaded with you.

“Steve.”

“Please {Y/N} Please just forget what I said.”

“Steve.”

“God I’m so stupid.”

“STEVE! Let me talk. I-I like you too. I always have, it's just I have an issue with my feelings.”

“What?”

“I love you Steve. You are my best friend and can always cheer me up. You even have a stash with my favorite candy. How can I not love you?” Steve closed the distance between you two and held your hands in his large ones.

“Can I? Uhm. Can I kiss you?” You smiled while you leaned your head up to feel his soft gentle lips against your own. You wanted to melt but kept your walls up, Steve cradled your head as he pulled back and smiled. “I’ve always wanted to do that.” He huffed out a heavy breath and you felt a lump in your throat, you had to tell him before it got too far.

“Can I talk to you about something?”

“Whatever you want, Angel. Sit down.” You sucked in a heavy breath as you sat down on Steve’s bed and played with his fingers that laid in your lap. “Before this gets too far. You uhm, you need to know that while I am not totally against it, I am terrified of having sex. It’s nothing against you. It's just. I, uhm, didn’t have the best childhood and I was...abused...a lot.” You held your tears away, not wanting to cry anymore tonight.

“Angel, I don’t care about that.”

“Of course you do. Everyone does! Even I do. But I just really need to trust someone and they have to understand that I just can’t.”

“If it makes you feel any better I haven’t had sex in over seventy years.” “Yea but if the time came you could do it better than me.”

“What if I uhm I help?”

“What?”

“Have you ever had someone make love to you? Not just fuck?”

“Language Captain.”

“I’m serious. Do you trust me?” You nodded your head as Steve drew himself closer to you until he was almost sitting on your lap. “Can you lay down for me?”

“Okay.”

“I want you to tell me to stop if you need me to okay?”

“Okay.” Your breath hitched as Steve moved to lay next to you and turned you on your side to face him. His hand laid over your shoulder while he slowly guided your lips to his own. Your lips intertwined and you felt his hand trail under his sweater to glide over your skin. He pulled your body against his own before coming back up to cup your face. Steve teased your mouth with his tongue and you opened for him to taste you. A stifled moan flowed into Steve’s mouth from your own while he guided your hands to flow under his shirt. You pulled back to catch your breath while you pushed your fingers over his abs and bit your lip with every curve of his skin.

“You are so beautiful baby.” Steve’s eyes moved over your body before he took his shirt off and you pulled him hungrily to your lips. “Can we take this off?” He fiddled with the bottom of his sweater that covered you. You nodded while he slowly slipped it off of your body. “You okay?”

“Yes. Kiss me more.” Steve obeyed while he gently rubbed your skin and guided your hand up to the bottom of his hairline. Steve’s hand held your hip slightly and you felt his hard member press against you. Your breath hitched and he pulled back away from you checking your face. “I’m okay. Sorry.”

“C’mere.” He pulled you against him and let your nails play over his back while he peppered kisses over your jawline. His nose tickled against your skin, his mouth was hot and welcoming while he toyed with your skin. “So sweet.”

“More please Steve.” Your legs wrapped around his waist while he sucked a mark to the top of your breast. “Shit.”

“Like that Angel?”

“Mhm..” Your nose was tucked against his hair while his lips moved down your body and he paused when he reached your pants. “{Y/N}, Can I take these off?”

“Yours too?” Steve stood up and removed his sweats before pulling your own down softly with a kiss over every inch of exposed skin that followed. You could see him in his boxers and pushed down the gulp in your throat. You let out a shaky breath and hoped Steve didn’t notice.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I promise.”

“I don’t believe you.” Steve grabbed his blanket and laid down next to you resting the situation. He covered your bodies with the blanket and scooted you against him. “What’s wrong?”

“Just nervous, please don’t stop.” Steve moved your leg to hook over his waist and pushed your back to grind over him. “Just look right at me baby.” He gave you a small peck while he reached around and unhooked your bra. Steve sucked in a tight breath as your chest was revealed and his hand toyed with one of your breasts.

“Feels good.” He licked his lips before trailing his tongue down to circle over your nipple having your back arch against him. He teased the other with a pinch and you rolled to your back. Opening your legs wider Steve held his hips tightly against you with small ruts while he had his fun on your chest. You gripped one of his wrists and moved it down to play over your underwear. Moaning at his touch you arched into him and let your eyes roll back into your head. Steve rolled his tongue down your stomach and pressed a few kisses against your hip while he pressed his fingers against your clothed clit.

“I’m gonna take these off okay?” “Please. Yes.” Your voice was at a pleasurable sigh and Steve loved how you looked to him in this moment. He trailed his tongue down to your slit and massaged your legs to open again.

“God, You’re dripping Angel. This all for me?”

“Only you Steve.” He let an guttural growl loose from his throat while he dipped his tongue through your folds. “Oh! Yes!”

“Taste so sweet Darling.” His tongue cleaned up your slick before he teased your opening with his tongue. His thumb came up to rub small circles on your clit as he began to fuck your hole gently. Steve pulled down one of your hands to play in his hair while the other was linked with his free one at your side. You pushed your hips up against his face to earn more pleasure and Steve let you control his movements. Your moans filled his room and you only wanted more. Steve switched his fingers with his tongue and you gasped as they curled inside of you. Steve pressed kisses against your thighs while he looked up to watch your breasts rising and falling with your pleasure. You gripped his hand tighter with every rise of pleasure, Steve was your only thought and you gripped for him. He adjusted his thumb to take his tongue’s place on your clit as he rose up to rest his forehead onto your own. “Feel good Angel?” “So good. Oh god! Right there. Don’t stop.” Steve tucked your face against his shoulder while he focused his hand and felt your walls tense over his fingers. Steve hovered over you a bit as he cleaned you off of his fingers and your pupils blew as you watched him. You urged your hips towards him and felt a pit open in your stomach with that little laugh he did. Steve kissed you harder this time while he guided your hands to link around his neck, you gasped against his chest as he coated himself in your finish before slowly pushing into you. The sting was coated with pleasure once he filled you to the hilt of him and stayed there for you to adjust to him. Your nails gripped into his skin and his hand held your thigh in place while he balanced himself over you with his arm next to your head. He watched your eyes close and kissed you forcefully with his ruts.

“Look at me baby.” You moved your chin down for your eyes to lock with his crystal blue ones and your breath left your body. “I love you so much, god you are so beautiful.” The coil tightened with every word he spoke. “God I’m so lucky. Such an Angel.” You pulled his chest flush against your own and tucked your face into his neck. Your thighs trembled a bit when you felt his teeth sink into your neck and suck.

“Fuck Steve. Feels so good. So close.”

“I know baby. Just let it happen, Don’t worry about me.”

“Faster. Please.”

“Sure?”

“Mhm, Please.” Your lips pressed against his clavicle and you gripped his shoulders as he picked up his pace, your eyes flitted up to him and he was chasing his own release now. He grunted quietly with every thrust and your legs felt weak as he did so. Your orgasm had ripped through you but kept rising with Steve’s thrusts. Your legs twitched when Steve’s fingers found your clit again and began working them in time. He hovered over your face and pulled your lips to his as he stopped his thrusts and filled you with his finish while his fingers kept pushing you over your limit. You gasped against the sheets as a gush of your finish coated his abs and he watched you with wide eyes.

“Oh my god, Did I!?” “That’s my new favorite thing about you Angel.” Steve quickly moved to grab a rag and cleaned his abs before slowly wiping over you and grabbing a clean pair of underwear for you.

“How many of my things do you have Steve?”

“Everything my Angel needs.” He kissed your forehead as he climbed in his bed with you and you tucked your nose against him. “Are you mine forever now?”

“Forever.”

[sepublic]

Ok no one else is saying it so I will: the fact that Lilith in Wing it Like Witches basically had a mental breakdown over losing the grugeby match and having to go back to the Emperor empty-handed really makes me wonder what kinda fucked up stuff Belos might do to Lilith. I mean it's already implied that he's abusive to her so I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting severe undeserved punishments for not bringing Eda back.

           Honestly, I suspect Lilith is just highly sensitive to failure in general… I wouldn’t be surprised if she was harshly punished for every mistake she made as a child, given the comparisons of the Coven System to the American school system- And if Lilith is neurodivergent just as Luz, Eda, and Amity are coded to be, then it’d hit even harder for her. So even if there isn’t an actual punishment waiting for her, necessarily; Lilith still freaks out and braces for the worst and just feels utterly terrible, because she’s been conditioned to do so.

           Especially since Lilith likely has a lot of self-esteem issues about never being good as Eda, always being the lesser sister… As Lilith herself said, Eda may have been star player- But I think Lilith took a lot of solace in being team captain, and believing this role certified her as being at least on Eda’s level when it came to sports, if not above it. So having a definitive match between the two prove once and for all that, yes, Eda IS better at Lilith at Grudgby, just as she’s better at everything else… This realization could’ve really broken Lilith in a lot of ways.

           Not to mention, failing the Grudgby game also means failing to bring back Eda- And Lilith has both selfish and altruistic reasons to do so. Lilith wants Eda by her side, and she wants her sister cured; Once again, the chance for this has beaten her. Lilith also wants to protect Eda from Belos, who has begun to crack down on wild witches more as the Day of Unity approaches… So she knows that Eda’s time is running out, in addition to knowing the curse is worsening. To Lilith, she’s not just failing herself on multiple levels- She’s failing her sister once again, and she’s running out of time and chances to make up for her past sins.

           It’d also reflect badly on Lilith to the rest of the Emperor’s Coven, as well as Belos and Kikimora… Lilith clearly dislikes Kiki and wants to prove her otherwise- And Lilith still admires Belos and looks up to him a lot. I can see Lilith being grateful to Belos for giving her a chance to prove herself by letting her into his coven, for even bestowing upon her the title of Head Witch (because deep down Lilith feels like she never truly earns anything and it’s given to her only by the grace of others, she only got into the EC because Eda forfeited for her)… And Belos constantly giving Lilith these chances, and being willing to cure Eda and let her into his coven, surely it means he somewhat trusts her- And that again, Belos is doing so much for her.

           Lilith would hate to disappoint someone she looks up to, someone who’s clearly setting aside a lot of patience just to put up with her, and she wants to pay them back because she feels undeserving… She’d be failing Belos and his plans, which clearly intend the greater good for the Boiling Isles- So in a way, Lilith is failing the Isles as well… And I wouldn’t be surprised if Lilith realized at some point that her own apprentice was also disappointed in her for the Covention incident. So to Lilith, she’s been a recently increasing stream of disappointment to those who trust her, look up to her, and in some ways hurting those she cares about or feels obligated for.

          I imagine Lilith feels like she causes a lot of harm in general, so she seeks to offset this by being a helpful and productive member of society, and probably justifies her participation in Belos’ corruption by believing it’s all for the greater good, which then just contributes to Lilith justifying hurting Eda ‘for her own good’. Lilith wants to think she’s worthwhile, that her continued existence and people’s patience with her is justifiable and will pay off, because clearly she’s put a lot of stock and work into things under the hopes that it’ll all be worth it in the end. Kind of like how Lilith believes it’s okay to curse Eda, because it’ll be worth it when she gets into the Emperor’s Coven- That it’s worth buying into its ideology and being separated from Eda, because one day Eda will join her in their former dream, and be cured!

           And as she’s no doubt desperate for approval, Lilith is afraid of not only losing it, but having this replaced with scorn. Lilith doesn’t want to fail someone she admires, someone she thinks actually values her when beforehand she’s never felt approved of; And as Head of the Emperor’s Coven, she is no doubt intimately aware of a LOT of horrible things that happen to wild witches. To people who displease Belos in general… And so while she has so much reason to admire the Emperor, she’s also got plenty cause to fear him as well. Fear of having her position by his side revoked (especially since we see Owl Mask already taking up one themselves), fear of losing support of the one person who tolerated her… Fear of what he could do to Lilith, etc.

           Lilith already has every reason to be extremely sensitive of failure and rejection, in addition to her low self-esteem, and other tangible consequences… So what you suggested, about Belos actively punishing Lilith (hopefully it only began after Sense and Insensitivity, as that episode had Lilith act like it’s okay for her to take her time capturing Eda, under the excuse of her sister eventually becoming debilitated by her worsening curse), it is… Honestly pretty terrifying, and not at all out of character for Belos. Especially given how he’s the Emperor, so he’s free to do whatever he chooses to his own underlings, without repercussion- So I could see him being actively worse than Odalia and Alador are to their own kids, which would be saying something!

           Given the cult-y vibes of the Emperor’s Coven, I can see Belos further indoctrinating his minions into thinking it’s totally okay for him to harm them as punishment for failure, and even that this is a good and deserved thing- Again, tying back to those parallels of the American school system, which has echoes of the belief that ‘suffering is purifying’. It doesn’t even have to be the entire Emperor’s Coven that is convinced and wrapped up into this sort of abuse- Lilith is already of such low self-esteem that I think she’d believe she deserves it… Maybe even finds a twisted relief in her punishment as cathartic self-harm. Belos gives off ‘Christian Colonizer’ vibes as-is, and there are records of such puritans advocating for this kind of pain as being ‘good’ for a person, so to Lilith it’s her actively atoning and making up for her mistakes, in addition to actually succeeding next time.  

           And if so, then that is a horrifically abusive relationship, especially since entire generations of witches are already indoctrinated into trusting Belos for having what’s best for them in mind- I mean, the show’s ending credits have a pair of toddlers making a sand castle of Belos’ palace, that’s how deep this propaganda goes! It’d take a lot to unlearn that, especially from someone as entrenched into the Emperor’s Coven as Lilith… And if Eda and Luz were to learn about this, if what you suggested is true- Then in addition to the whole ‘threatening to execute Lilith by nightfall’ bit, and Lilith genuinely thinking she was helping Eda and curing her curse, thus saving her sister from a fate worse than death; I could see them becoming a LOT more sympathetic and forgiving to Lilith, because they just don’t have it in their hearts to be mad at someone who has clearly suffered and been traumatized and manipulated…

          I could see Luz maybe even drawing parallels to Amity and her parents, while Eda is just horrified that this is what her sister went through- And maybe she thinks that she should’ve been more there for Lilith, should’ve worked to rescue her older sister if she knew what was going on, even if that meant kidnapping Lilith. And of course, Lilith has reached that point of self-defeat where she insists to Eda that her little sister owes her nothing, and she is right in a sense… But also, Lilith thinks that while Eda owes Lilith nothing, Lilith herself is owed so much pain and punishment, when it’s clear that this sort of thing will only make things worse for someone who’s used to it- So obviously Luz and Eda aren’t going to invest in more suffering for Lilith, because obviously it didn’t teach her to be a kinder and happier person.

           So while Lilith is obviously testing their patience in a LOT of ways… Luz and Eda’s natural compassion, in addition to appreciation of Lilith doing the right thing in the end, and having the bravery to defy Belos- I think that’ll help them forgive Lilith, or at least be on better terms with her. Hopefully she can be accepted fully into their family… And that’s assuming Lilith won’t try to bail out of guilt and wanting to protect Eda, to not be a burden, and to just want the comforting isolation away from the constant reminder of her failures in life and as a sister, because at the Owl House, Lilith will constantly be reminded of how Eda was so much better off and happier than her, and that’ll just add to her insecurity at being outdone. Lilith will be reminded of the curse she cast on Eda, and also what she missed out on for so long, and it’ll tear her apart…

           And, I can see Lilith actually reveling in her half of the curse as self-punishment for what she’s done, and Eda… While Eda has cautiously accepted this because it IS Lilith making up for the damage she legitimately caused and worsened- She also doesn’t want Lilith to default to martyrdom and self-punishment because she knows that kind of mindset in reaction to failure is abusive and a product of the Coven System. Oof, I’m just suddenly imagining Lilith finding ways to punish herself while at the Owl House, maybe leaving so she can do so uninterrupted, because she’s still enacting the abuse when there’s nobody around to perform it- And the others have to really look out for Lilith and stop her… It’d be incredibly exhausting and tiresome, and just make Lilith feel like even more of a burden.

           But in the end, Lilith realized that wallowing in self-pity and punishment for years didn’t help Eda or herself, it just made things worse- It was making just that one decision to change and improve things for the better, that got Lilith the immediate results of a more-repaired relationship with her sister. Sooner or later, Lilith has to pick herself up; All this self-loathing is no doubt exhausting, and she wants something new… Lilith still wants to be with Eda and now she has the chance. If she put in the work serving the Emperor’s Coven under the hopes it’d pay off, maybe she can put in the work of self-improvement under this same principle; Or not, investing in the Emperor’s Coven clearly failed, so why bother?

          Well, I imagine Eda’s happiness, time with her, and the fact that Lilith is no longer burning with her worst secret, is a good reason to invest… Because Lilith’s seen actual results for once, so she knows it’ll pay off in the end and she wants more of that happiness and goodness in life. But Titan, it’d probably be terrifying, having to imagine Lilith caught in the attempt of self-harm because she hates herself, she’s trying to secretly get away with it, and Luz/Eda/King are so scared and shocked because of it… And Lilith just insists in a mental breakdown that this is what she deserves, and why can’t they leave her to this because don’t they secretly hate her anyway!? But the others don’t really, that’s why she’s even here- They’re here to be fully transparent with Lilith and not lie and lead her on like Belos did in his abusive, manipulative way.

           I’m just imagining the others getting Lilith into a routine of self-care, making her invest into a schedule and productive stuff that keeps her distracted, maybe a hobby or two that makes Lilith feel constructive- Getting her to wean off her self-destructive habits, while Lilith is also obligated to make a promise each day that she won’t relapse and get into some funny business… And then the others can feel safer leaving her alone for longer periods of time, while also validating and rewarding Lilith for her efforts, further incentivizing her to do well… While not punishing her for any failure, further teaching Lilith to not default to that in the first place. Of course Eda would do everything in her power to keep Luz and King free from this responsibility and concerns, but I can see Luz insisting on providing some kind of helping hand- Or at least contributing towards the happier, fluffier moments that are less messy and agonizing for everyone involved.

          And wanting to live up to this trust that a kid has in her, to see someone trust in her again after she messed up with Amity- It’ll give Lilith a lot of belief in herself that maybe she CAN do right… And she’s now even got the chance to make amends with Amity, too! Maybe things are getting better… And maybe things ARE improving, because she IS a good person, and the others were right to believe in her- Lilith wouldn’t want to prove them wrong, after all! And if it really brightens her sister’s day to see Lilith become happy again, then… That makes Lilith happy, and finally she’s doing things right, without having to worry about when she messes up.

          For once, Lilith can take genuine, true pride in confidence in who she is, and what she does- And finally she’ll invest in the dignity and self-respect to know that she deserves better. Then Lilith can not only spare herself from pain- She can protect her loved ones from it for real this time, instead of always hurting them. For so long Lilith has hurt others trying to do what’s best for them; Now she can do what’s best for them without doing so, because Lilith knows that what’s best for others isn’t pain, but happiness and healing. She can do the right thing, and make up for what may have been Lilith’s original failure that started it all; Not being the protective older sister that Eda needed her to be.

          Lilith doesn’t need to fear failure, and she can expect so much from success this time, especially now that it’s within reach; And Lilith knows that she can always change and improve herself to reach it, assuming she isn’t already capable! Eda does believe in the capacity to choose your own destiny and who you want to be, regardless of how you start out or what others dictate. Even if Lilith WAS a terrible person… She has the power to change this, and she’ll certainly make use of this opportunity. Lilith need not resign herself to what she saw as fate, as the inevitability of her decline into despair, or her place in the Emperor’s Coven as ordained by Belos’ hierarchy… Lilith can become who she always wanted to be- A wild witch and a good sister, someone who is happy, fulfilled, and free!