#the queer experience felt so hard to come by in the first place that i really really wanted to do it right and for it to work out

[ame-to-ame]

RAHHH DO I HAVE THOUGHTS

[gonnabeokaykid]

thoughts in the tags. genuine reflection of the season so far. not with any malice. more slightly sad resignation and a reminder to feel joy.

this is just a tv show after all <3

[goldsainz]

# DREW STARKEY — ACTORS ON ACTORS !

MASTERLIST !

001. SUMMARY !

✯ drew and you participate in variety’s “actors on actors” series.

002. WARNINGS !

✯ cursing, talking about nude scenes, probably inaccurate acting experiences.

003. NOTE !

✯ sorry to all the actors i stole roles from😭 also zendaya is used as a face claim for the social media but the writing is inclusive and has no descriptors of physical appearance… or at least i hope so.

word count : 5,4k (chat i got carried away)

The cozy studio was bathed in warm light, designed almost as if to feel like a welcoming living room. Two plush chairs faced each other, separated by a low coffee table adorned with a few carefully placed books and a small vase of fresh flowers. Everything about the space was crafted to exude intimacy and warmth, inviting open conversation.

Drew Starkey entered the room first, his usual calm confidence mingled with a tinge of nervous energy. He smoothed his shirt absentmindedly and scanned the setup, trying to ground himself in the moment. He was used to being in front of cameras, but this felt different. This wasn’t just about promoting a project or answering rapid-fire questions on a press junket. This was you.

“Hello,” Drew started, a smile gracing his features as he took in the fact that he was sitting right in front of his number one celebrity crush. His hand hovered awkwardly in a small wave, as if he couldn’t believe this was real.

“Hi,” you said back, a giggle falling past your lips when you noticed his sheepish look. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” he said, his voice just a little higher than usual. Drew cleared his throat, laughing at himself, which made you laugh too. “Sorry, I’m… a little nervous.”

“Oh, don’t be,” you reassured him with a warm smile. “I promise, I don’t bite.”

“Good to know.” He chuckled, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great, thank you. What about you?”

“Pretty good, can’t complain.” A laugh bubbled out of him, and subsequently, you. The way he rubbed the back of his neck made you think he was still pinching himself that this was happening.

The cameras rolled, capturing the easy charm and immediate chemistry between the two of you. 

Drew’s grin widened as he began. “First of all, let me just say—I’m completely starstruck right now. I mean, the way you completely own every role you take on... it’s incredible.”

Your eyes widened in surprise, a bashful laugh escaping as you waved off the compliment. “Oh, stop it. You’re making me blush!”

“I’m serious,” he pressed, leaning forward slightly. “You’re like… the blueprint. If I ever get even halfway to where you are, I’ll consider myself lucky.”

“Well, now you’re just flattering me,” you said, your voice teasing but your cheeks undeniably warm. “But thank you, that’s so sweet. And honestly, you’re being way too hard on yourself. You’re incredible in Queer. You’ve got this natural charm that just lights up the screen.”

“Natural charm, huh?” He smirked, pretending to preen, which made you laugh again. “I’ll take that.”

“Good,” you replied, smiling. “You should, because it’s true.”

Drew’s gaze softened, the teasing giving way to something more earnest. “That means a lot, really. Especially coming from you. You’re like… Hollywood royalty to many.”

You tilted your head, a playful smirk tugging at your lips. “To many, huh? And are you part of this many?”

Drew’s eyes widened, and he laughed, a little caught off guard. “Oh, absolutely. I’ve got a lifetime membership to the fan club.”

“Good to know,” you teased, crossing your legs and leaning back in your chair with an air of mock superiority. “I’ll have to start charging you membership fees.”

“Totally worth it,” he shot back, his grin widening.

“Well, thank you,” you said with a soft laugh, “So, we’ve both got some things in common, which I think is pretty cool.”

“Like working with Daniel Craig?” he asked.

“Yes! Honestly, I still reminisce about our time on set… he’s genuinely incredible, isn’t he?”

“He is, yeah. I found myself just admiring him and sort of forgetting I had to act too. He’s just… he’s on another level, for sure.”

“Daniel’s a master of his craft… Most of my scenes as Paloma in No Time To Die were with him, and at first I was so nervous because, like, what if I messed up in front of the Daniel Craig?” Drew let out a laugh at your words, and you couldn’t help but laugh too. “But when he noticed I was nervous he reassured me that it was all good. He’s just the best.”

“You’ve worked with so many high-profile actors.” You nod slightly at his words, as if it were the most common thing in the world. “Are you always nervous when meeting them, or was it just a Daniel thing?”

“It wasn’t just Daniel, no, but I think it depends. For example, when I did Oppenheimer with Cillian Murphy, for some reason I felt more relaxed… even though I had some nude scenes with him.”

“Nude scenes just make you connect, don’t they?” he joked, leaning back with a sly grin.

“They do, actually,” you replied, leaning into the banter. “You’d think they’d be worse, but honestly, with the amount of seriousness and concentration they take, it’s like you don’t have time to be nervous.”

“You clearly pulled it off flawlessly,” Drew said with mock solemnity. 

“You did too in Queer.” You compliment him, “I watched it a few days ago, and the chemistry you had with Daniel was just off the charts.”

Drew’s face lit up, a mix of pride and bashfulness crossing his features. “Daniel’s an amazing scene partner. He really made it easy for me to tap into everything.”

“Well, it shows,” you said. “It was such a raw and beautiful performance. I might’ve shed a tear or two.”

“Okay, now you’re just trying to make me blush,” Drew teased, pointing at you with a playful squint. “But seriously, that means a lot coming from you.”

“Hey, give credit where it’s due,” you shot back with a grin. “You’ve got this way of making everything feel so real. Like when you’re in pain, we’re in pain. When you’re in love, we’re falling right alongside you.”

“Wow,” he said, shaking his head as if to clear it. “I don’t know what to do with all these compliments. This is the best therapy session I’ve ever had.”

You laughed, crossing your legs and leaning forward slightly. “Well, I’m glad I could help. But now I’m curious—how did you prepare for a role like that? I mean, it’s so emotionally intense, no?.”

“It was a lot of journaling, a lot of talking with Luca about backstory and motivations,” Drew explained, his tone more thoughtful. “And honestly, I kind of drew from real-life experiences. Not the exact ones, obviously, but just feelings of vulnerability and… wanting to be understood.”

“That’s beautiful,” you said softly, your smile turning tender. “It’s amazing how much of ourselves we pour into these characters.”

“Exactly,” Drew agreed. “And sometimes it’s terrifying, but when it resonates with people, it feels worth it.”

“It definitely resonated with me,” you assured him. “And I’m sure with countless others too.”

“That’s really nice to hear,” he said with a soft smile.

“How was it for you to work with Luca? Because I remember it being one of the highlights of my career.”

Drew’s eyes lit up at the mention of Luca Guadagnino, and he leaned forward slightly, as if the memory itself was a magnet pulling him closer. “Oh, working with Luca was… incredible,” he said, his voice laced with awe. “He’s got this way of creating such a safe, open space on set. It’s almost like he’s not just directing—he’s inviting you into this world he’s building in his head.”

You nodded eagerly, your own memories of working with Luca bringing a nostalgic smile to your face. “I know exactly what you mean. He makes it feel like you’re collaborating on this deeply personal piece of art, rather than just executing someone else’s vision.”

“Exactly!” Drew said, gesturing animatedly. “And he has this way of pulling things out of you that you didn’t even know you had. Like, he’ll ask you one simple question, and suddenly you’re diving into this emotional rabbit hole.”

You laughed, tilting your head in agreement. “He asked me once, ‘What would this character, Maren in my case, dream about?’ and it completely changed how I approached the next scene.”

Drew’s mouth dropped open in mock surprise. “He asked me the exact same question!”

“No way!” you exclaimed, your laughter spilling out in disbelief. “I love that! It’s honestly such a deceptively simple question, but it opens up so many layers.”

“It really does,” Drew said, chuckling. “And then you’re sitting there like, ‘Okay, now I have to rethink everything I thought I knew about this character.’”

“It’s kind of genius, though,” you added. “He makes you work harder, but not in a way that feels forced. It’s like… he trusts you to figure it out, but he gives you these breadcrumbs to follow.”

“Exactly,” Drew said again, his tone growing softer. “I think that’s why his films feel so intimate, he gets the human part so right.”

You smiled, letting his words settle in the air for a moment. “I think that’s what makes working with him feel like such a privilege. It’s not just about telling a story—it’s about feeling it.”

Drew nodded, his gaze thoughtful. “And those are the moments that stick with you, you know? The ones where you felt something real, even if it was just for a moment.”

“Completely,” you agreed, your voice soft with sincerity. “Those moments are why we do this.”

For a moment, the two of you sat in companionable silence, the weight of the conversation settling in the cozy studio. Then, Drew broke the quiet with a grin. “Okay, but did Luca make you do those impromptu rehearsals at, like, the crack of dawn?”

“Oh my God, yes!” you burst out, your eyes widening. “I’d just roll out of bed with zero coffee and somehow be expected to pour my soul into a scene.”

Drew laughed, his face lighting up. “Right? It’s like, ‘Good morning, here’s your emotional breakdown for the day.’”

You laughed along with him, the shared experience adding another thread to the easy camaraderie forming between you. “But honestly, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.”

“Same,” Drew said, his expression softening again. “For Luca? Anytime.”

“Absolutely,” you agreed, your eyes locking with his for a moment before the warmth of the studio light reminded you both that the cameras were still rolling.

Drew shifted in his seat slightly, his expression thoughtful. “You know, it’s kind of wild—hearing you talk about all these incredible experiences. You’ve been doing this for so long, and yet it’s like you’re just getting started.”

You tilted your head with a small smile. “That’s sweet of you to say. But yeah, I guess I have been in this industry for most of my life. It’s all I’ve ever really known.”

Drew’s eyebrows lifted. “That’s crazy to think about. I didn’t even consider acting until after college. You must’ve been, what, ten? Eleven?”

“Eight, actually,” you corrected with a chuckle. “My first role was in this little indie film. I was basically just the kid who ran around in the background eating ice cream, but I thought it was the coolest thing ever.”

He laughed, clearly amused. “That’s adorable. And now you’re the Hollywood It Girl. No big deal.”

You rolled your eyes playfully, your laughter light. “Oh, stop it. But yeah, it’s been a journey. Growing up on sets definitely shaped me, for better or worse. Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like to have a more ‘normal’ childhood.”

Drew’s smile softened. “That must’ve been such a whirlwind. I can’t even imagine starting that young. I didn’t even think about acting seriously until high school.”

“Oh, I’ve read about that!” You said, your voice lighting up. “You were all about sports growing up, right?”

“Yeah,” Drew admitted with a chuckle. “I was your typical small-town kid—baseball, basketball, you name it. I was convinced I was going to go pro in something, but clearly, that didn’t pan out.”

“Well, I think acting suits you pretty well.” 

“Thank you,” he says with a soft laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “But yeah, the real shift happened in high school when I joined a drama class. It was all Samuel Beckett and absurdist plays, which at the time I thought was the coolest thing ever.”

You leaned forward, intrigued. “So that’s what pulled you in? Drama class?”

“Pretty much,” he said with a nod. “And then I went to Western Carolina for college. I double-majored in English and theater, thinking, ‘If this acting thing doesn’t work out, I’ll at least have a backup plan.’”

“That’s so realistic of you,” you said with a laugh. “Meanwhile, I was ten, telling anyone who’d listen that I was going to win an Oscar one day.”

“And look at you now,” Drew said, gesturing to you with an almost reverent smile. “You made it happen.”

You chuckled, a bit flustered by his admiration. “Well, not quite, just an Oscar nominee for now. But thank you. You know, I think your journey’s pretty incredible too. A double major? That’s no joke. And starting later in the game like you did… it must have felt like a slow burn, but it’s clearly paid off.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Drew said thoughtfully. “It was definitely a slower burn for me. I didn’t land my first real gig until I’d been auditioning for what felt like forever.”

“I think that makes your journey even more special,” you said, your tone sincere. “You came into it with all this life experience and maturity. It shows in your work, you know? There’s this depth to your performances that’s just… rare.”

Drew’s ears turned a little pink, and he laughed softly, glancing down at his hands. “Wow, you’re gonna make me blush over here.”

“Good,” you said with a teasing smile. “It’s only fair after all the compliments you’ve been throwing my way.”

He looked up, his grin sheepish but warm. “Touché. But seriously, hearing that from someone like you—someone who’s been at this for so long and is so insanely talented—it means a lot.”

“Well,” you replied with a playful tilt of your head, “I think it’s safe to say we’re officially mutual fans.”

Drew laughed at that, the sound easy and genuine. “I can live with that.”

The conversation shifted into more comfortable territory as the two of you shared experiences, trading stories about acting and the film industry. Drew, now feeling at ease, leaned forward with renewed interest.

“You know,” he began, a thoughtful expression crossing his face, “I've been thinking about how different TV shows and movies are, especially when it comes to the pacing and character development. Like, in a show, we have to maintain this ongoing energy for the characters over multiple seasons. But with movies, it’s a totally different vibe, right?”

You nodded, understanding immediately where he was going. “It’s definitely a huge shift. With TV, you’re given time to build on a character slowly. Every episode is another chapter, so you can explore new facets of them and keep the audience hooked for longer periods of time. But movies, they’re this intense sprint. You have to get everything across in just two hours or so, but in a way that feels just as layered and satisfying.”

Drew's eyes lit up with excitement, clearly passionate about the topic. "Exactly! You have to balance the action and suspense while still giving the characters these moments of vulnerability. Over multiple seasons, you can really let them grow and change. It's like a slow burn. But when you're doing a movie, you don’t have the luxury of that buildup. It has to be this concentrated emotional punch right from the start.”

“That’s one of the biggest challenges of film, for sure," you agreed. "In a film, every second counts. You can’t afford to waste a moment. But I think what’s also interesting is how both mediums can explore a character’s journey from different angles. TV shows can dive into their backstory in more detail, but movies... they really need to hit those emotional beats and leave an impact without dragging it out."

Drew smiled, clearly engaged in the discussion. “In TV shows you need that perfect balance of suspense, character development, and personal growth. And then, at the end of the season, you drop a huge bombshell that leaves people wanting more.”

You laughed, raising an eyebrow playfully. “Sounds like you’ve been doing some serious thinking about it. What’s the secret to keeping the audience hooked without losing the depth of your character?”

He leaned back, his expression thoughtful. “Well, I think it’s about letting the characters evolve with the story. You need to make sure the audience sees the human side of your character, even when they're in these crazy situations. It’s what keeps people invested in the long run.”

“You’ve really got the process figured out,” you said with a smile. “But you’re right—it’s a different rhythm for TV. With a movie, you get to go deep quickly, but with a show, you have to keep it dynamic and varied. And let’s not forget, you need that cliffhanger at the end to make people binge-watch the next season.”

Drew’s eyes twinkled with mischief. “You’re giving away all the secrets! Next thing you know, people will be expecting a cliffhanger every time they watch a movie."

“Well, movies and TV are both art, but they demand different approaches,” you said, “and you’re doing an amazing job balancing both. I’m honestly so excited to see where your career goes next. Both worlds are lucky to have you.”

He chuckled softly, clearly humbled. “Thanks. I think I’m just lucky to be a part of both. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in a show that gets people talking for days?”

“Right? You’ve got Outer Banks, which has such a dedicated fanbase, and then movies like Queer that touch people in such a different way. It’s amazing to watch your versatility.”

He leaned in slightly, a playful glint in his eyes. “I’m just trying to keep up with you. Honestly, your transition from action to more emotional roles is inspiring. I hope I can pull off something even close to what you’ve done with your career.”

Your smile softened, your voice sincere. “Well, you’re already doing it, Drew. You’re already there. It’s not just about the roles—it’s about the heart you put into them. And you’ve definitely got that.”

Drew’s smile faltered for a moment, the weight of your words sinking in. His gaze softened, as if he were truly reflecting on what you’d said. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms but keeping his eyes on you, his expression thoughtful.

“It's crazy, isn't it?” He began, his voice a little quieter now, “The idea of giving so much of yourself to something that feels so... intimate. But when it works, when the audience feels it too, there's nothing like it.”

“Exactly,” you agreed, your voice a little quieter now. “That's the real magic, when the audience feels like they know the characters, like they're right there with them. It’s not about the plot twists or the fancy sets—it’s about the emotions that we build and share with them.”

Drew nodded thoughtfully, his gaze drifting away for a moment before returning to you. “Speaking of emotions, I just saw your new movie, We Live In Time,” he said, his voice taking on a softer tone. “It’s one of those films that stays with you, you know? It’s raw in a way that makes you uncomfortable, but it’s also beautiful. How did you tap into that for Almut?”

Your expression softened as you thought back on the experience. We Live In Time had been a journey—a raw, almost therapeutic one. “It was an emotional rollercoaster, honestly,” you said, leaning back slightly, letting the memory settle in. “I think the hardest part was showing that moment where her whole world shifts. It was such a raw, profound type of emotion I had to channel in order to do justice to the character and her experiences.”

Drew sat back, letting the weight of the conversation settle. “I think that's what makes your career so incredible. You never just play a character. You become them. And you take us with you. Every heartbreak, every triumph, every moment of doubt... we feel it all with you. That's what makes your work so powerful.”

You met his gaze, feeling the depth of the conversation linger between you both. “It’s all about connection, right? Connecting with the character, with the audience, and with the emotions that we all share as humans. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to make sense of time, love, and the moments we get.”

Drew smiled, his expression genuine and soft. “Well, you’ve definitely made sense of it for me. We Live In Time—it’s not just a movie. It’s a reminder to cherish what we have. And that, in itself, is something special.”

You smiled back, your heart full as you let the words sink in. “Thank you, Drew. That’s really sweet of you.”

You both shared a comfortable silence for a moment, before Drew broke it with a playful grin. “You know, it’s clear you’ve mastered the art of vulnerability on screen, but I can’t help but wonder—did you ever have moments on set where it was just... impossible to take things seriously?”

You laughed, the sound light and genuine. “Oh, absolutely. In fact, as a kid, it was all impossible to be serious,” you admitted, shaking your head at the memory. “I remember this one time during a scene on set when I was probably around 9 or 10. We were supposed to be doing this emotional scene, and I had to cry on cue. But instead of crying, I couldn’t stop giggling. It was a dramatic moment, and my co-star was all serious and trying to get through the scene, but I just... lost it.”

Drew raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. “Giggling during a dramatic scene? What happened?”

“Well, my director, bless her heart, kept trying to give me these 'serious actor' looks. She was this no-nonsense kind of woman, and she had this way of narrowing her eyes when things weren’t going well. I tried my best to hold it together, but then my co-star—who was way too good at being serious—looked at me and just gave this super intense stare, and that was it. I burst out laughing right in the middle of the take.”

Drew chuckled, shaking his head. “I can just picture that. You were probably trying to hold it together, but it must have been so hard with all that tension in the air.”

“I swear, the more I tried not to laugh, the harder it became,” you continued, grinning at the memory. “It was one of those moments where you’re like, 'Why am I even here? I can’t do this.' But somehow, I got through it. The director had to take a deep breath, and we did a few more takes. Eventually, we got it done, but I think we all were on the verge of cracking up the whole time.”

Drew let out a laugh, clearly imagining the scene. “I can’t blame you. I feel like as a kid, you have no filter. Everything feels like a joke, and it’s so hard to be serious when everyone else is trying so hard.”

“You have no idea,” you said, your voice still light. “There were so many times I’d be doing a serious scene, and I’d start thinking about something random, like a certain meme or a funny sound someone made on set—and then, bam, it was game over. I’d be holding in a laugh like my life depended on it.”

Drew smirked, leaning in a little. “I totally feel that. I mean, as an adult, I still have moments where I struggle to keep a straight face. I once had a scene where I was supposed to be super intense, but the prop guy was standing just out of frame, and he made this ridiculous face at me—completely threw me off. I couldn’t stop laughing, and it ended up taking hours to finish the scene because we kept cracking up. Honestly, I think the crew started to get annoyed with us after a while.”

“See?” you said with a grin. “It never really changes. Truthfully, the older you get, the harder it becomes to hold it in. But then you look at the footage and realize how much fun you actually had, and that makes it all worth it.”

Drew nodded thoughtfully, a playful twinkle in his eyes. “Yeah, that’s the thing. Sometimes it’s the moments you didn’t plan for that end up being the most memorable. Like when you have a laugh on set, and suddenly you feel closer to everyone, even though you’re supposed to be in character.”

“Exactly,” you said, your smile widening. “There’s something so beautiful about those unscripted moments. It reminds you that acting is, at its core, about connecting—whether that’s through laughter or the heavy stuff. And even though I had my fair share of giggling fits as a kid, I think those moments taught me just as much as the serious ones. Maybe more.”

Drew leaned back in his chair, a thoughtful look crossing his face. “It's funny how those little moments—like a laugh in the middle of a serious scene—can end up being the ones you remember the most. I think those are the ones that make the work feel real, you know?”

You smiled, your gaze distant as you reflected on the years of working on sets. “I know exactly what you mean.”

“Yeah, like those unscripted moments,” Drew added, his voice quieter now, as if the weight of the sentiment lingered in the air. “They give the performance an authenticity that you can’t get from just following the script to a tee.”

You nodded, the words hanging between you like a shared understanding. “Exactly. And as a kid, I was so focused on getting it ‘right’—on being perfect—that I missed the beauty of just being in the moment. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how important it is to let go of the idea of perfection. It's in those mistakes, the wrong takes, the bloopers—that's where you find the truth.”

Drew's expression softened, his eyes meeting yours with a sincerity that made your chest tighten. “I think it’s key not to be afraid to show the mess, the imperfect parts of a character, because that’s what makes them human.”

A small chuckle escaped you, the warmth of the moment filling the studio. “Right? We’re all just a little bit of a mess, trying to figure it out, but that’s what makes the journey worth it. We’re constantly learning, constantly evolving, and we bring that to our work. The growth, the mistakes—it all shapes us.”

Drew nodded, his gaze shifting as if reflecting on those same ideas. “Yeah, and the growth never stops, does it? Just when you think you’ve figured it out, something new happens, and it challenges you again.”

“That's the beauty of it,” you said, your voice quieter now, the bond between you both deepening. “The challenge is what keeps it exciting, keeps you moving forward.”

Drew grinned, a playful spark lighting his eyes once more. “Well, I guess we’re both lifelong students of this thing called acting, huh?”

“Absolutely,” you said with a laugh, the lightness returning. “And just like any good student, we’ll always be learning. Who knows, maybe we'll even get better at not laughing in the middle of dramatic scenes.”

Drew let out a hearty laugh, nodding enthusiastically. “I think that’s going to take years of practice, honestly.”

You both shared a moment of genuine laughter, the warmth of your conversation filling the space around you. You leaned back into the chairs, the laughter still lingering in the air, a sense of camaraderie that made the space between you feel comfortable and open. You continued sharing stories, moving seamlessly from one experience to the next.

The conversation began to slow, the easy flow of stories fading into a comfortable silence, as you both shared an unspoken understanding. The light laughter that had filled the room now felt like a warm, lingering hum between you.

Drew shifted slightly in his chair, his gaze turning toward you with a subtle, thoughtful expression. “You know,” he began, his voice softer now, “I really hope we get to work together sometime. I think it’d be incredible. It’s the kind of thing where I can already imagine what it’d be like. Just... easy, real. Like this.”

Your heart skipped a beat at his words, but you kept your composure, offering a smile that spoke volumes. “I’d love that. If you receive a call from your manager these days… maybe I had something to do with it, so be prepared.”

The air between you both was charged, the quiet intensity of the moment not lost on either of you. There was something unspoken, something deeper that neither of you addressed outright but that seemed to hang there all the same. The connection was undeniable, yet it lingered in the silence, unspoken, but clear.

Drew finally broke the spell with a playful grin, his eyes flicking back to yours. “Oh, I’ll be ready. Can’t wait to see what magic we create together.”

You returned his smile, your heart racing ever so slightly, though you kept it hidden behind the ease of your words. “I’m sure it’ll be something incredible.”

As the interview wrapped up, there was a lingering sense of something unspoken between you both, an attraction that neither of you had to mention but was so clearly felt. The kind of connection that could only be hinted at, but would never truly fade. It was the kind of moment that would stay with both of you long after the cameras stopped rolling.

“Thank you,” you said softly as the final moments of the interview started to loom, your voice carrying a depth that reflected everything unsaid between you. “This has been amazing. Honestly, it feels like we’ve been talking for hours, and yet it still doesn’t feel like enough.”

He nodded, his expression soft but genuine. “I feel the same way. This has been one of the most honest and open conversations I’ve had in a long time.”

The crew began to pack up, signaling that the interview was at its end, but neither of you seemed in any hurry to break the moment. The usual chatter and movement around you felt distant, as if the two of you were in your own world for just a little longer.

“You know,” Drew said, his voice quieter now, a hint of sincerity threading through, “I think we make a pretty good team even just sitting here talking. Imagine what we could do with a whole script.”

Your smile softened, and you nodded, the words feeling right, but the undertone of something more—something unsaid—hung in the air. “Yeah, I think we’d be unstoppable.”

The moment stretched between you both, filled with the kind of comfortable tension that comes when you realize you’ve shared something real. Something that felt like it could turn into something more.

You both stood up, a final, lingering moment before the usual goodbye. Drew extended a hand, his gaze holding yours a beat longer than necessary.

“Take care, okay?” he said, his voice warm, like the words carried more than just a polite farewell.

You shook his hand, the warmth of his touch lingering just a moment longer than expected. “You too, Drew,” you replied, your voice soft yet carrying an undercurrent of meaning that mirrored his own.

As you turned to gather your things, you couldn’t help but glance back over your shoulder. He was still standing there, watching you with that same thoughtful expression, his hands casually tucked into his pockets. The faintest smile curved his lips, as if he were replaying the conversation in his mind.

“See you around,” he called out, the words simple but loaded with promise.

“Yeah,” you said, meeting his gaze one last time. “See you around.”

Walking away, you felt a peculiar lightness, as though something intangible had shifted, leaving you both exhilarated and curious. It wasn’t every day you met someone who made you feel seen in such a profound way, and as you left the studio, you found yourself smiling, a quiet hope blooming in your chest.

And for a fleeting second, you allowed yourself to wonder what could come next.

[elkpoint]

Hello everyone. My name is Elk and this year I will turn 37 making this the year I will finally have been out of the closest for over half of my life. It hasn't been an easy road, but it is one that I am overwhelmingly happy that I decided to take. So this Pride month I wanted to take the time to talk about myself a bit and my experience coming out. 💜😸🧡

I grew up in a small rural town in the Midwest— so small that not only did it not have a single stop light, most of the intersections in town did not even have stop signs. It was a very sheltered, conservative town and growing up I did not know a single LGBT person. It wasn't spoken of, it wasn't heard of. But, the internet was just beginning to become a thing and along with it came the most used insult of the early two thousands: gay.

By the time I was in middle school, it was the word that replaced bad and stupid for everything. Getting homework? Gay. Get detention? That’s the gayest shit ever. Everyone used it. I used it. Gay people weren't a real thing where I grew up. They were the punchline in a movie or an extra on a TV show. They dressed nice, had funny accents, and played bit parts. They were so far removed from any sort of actual identity that a real person could have that when I hit my highschool years I felt lost because suddenly all of my friends were really into girls and I just… was not.

It is funny now, but at the time it made me feel broken. I remember a time in middle school when my friend led us out to his dad’s woodshop where a large collection of Playboy magazines were hidden. All the other boys were obsessed with them and I just did not get it at all, but I felt pressured to act like I did all the same.

Another time, my best friend convinced me to go on an unofficial double-date with a girl he wasn interested in and her friend. We eventually ended up at her place all alone and I spent the whole time finding excuses to not make out while my friend and the other girl snuck off to be alone. I have plenty of more stories like that, but they all share one thing in common: I didn't have the words to define how I felt.

That would all change when my family finally got the internet when I was 16. Suddenly, a whole new world was available to me, one much more diverse than then my small farming town. However, it was still the mid 2000s, a much different internet landscape then the one we have today. I found myself spending my time on a number of different video game forums, including the one for WoW, a game I had found myself obsessed with due to the way it let me make friends with people from all over the country. A combination of all of these factors led me to learn the term ‘furry’ a word that would completely reshape my life.

A few quick internet searches was all it took to know I was a furry, that I wanted to be a furry. I quickly made myself my first fursona, literally just a lion because I loved Lion King 2 at the time and also I loved cats, and made accounts on every furry site that I could, but on every single one of them, I'd run into the same snag: sexuality. You see, furry and sexuality are often closely intertwined and with such a large queer community, each website had a place where you could to list your sexuality prominently for all other users to see. Of course I set mine to Straight, but it wouldn't be long before I found myself questioning the validity of that label.

Yiffstar (now sofurry) was the main furry site I found myself spending time on, a website with a prominent focus on sharing written fiction, often erotic, of which there was no shortage of availability. As someone still very much in the closet, for months I tried to force myself to read the straight stories, I really did, but much like with the Playboy magazines years before, no matter how hard I tried to make myself ‘get it', I didn't. I felt nothing.

I still remember the fear I felt when I clicked on my first gay porn story. How invested I was in the plot of a high school boy struggling with having feelings for his friend, struggling with the fear of coming out. Technical issues with the writing didn't matter (and trust me there were plenty) because for the first time I felt like I was seeing myself in a story. For the first time I was understanding that being gay wasn't ‘bad’ like the slang or a trendy thing that people elsewhere do. In that writing I saw myself.

And then I remember the soul crushing shame I felt after I masturbated to the story. It was a feeling I'd feel again and again in secret, all the while my parents would tease me about finding a girlfriend, about getting married someday, and about having kids in the future. (For all of the anti-gay rhetoric in the world about queers indoctrinating kids, I sure did face straight indoctrination my whole life.)

For the rest of highschool I kept the secret of my sexuality to myself, buried so deep that I was sure then that I'd keep it to my grave. I would go on to make first team all-state as an offensive lineman on my football team and get voted MVP by my coaches and teams. My junior and senior year I'd do what was expected of me and take a girl to prom. (side note but my school like most didn't allow gay couples to go to prom, not that anyone was out at my school). But with each heteronormative box I checked, I felt like I was eroding another part of myself.

That feeling would hit a boiling point my first semester in college. I was given a scholarship to play football at a junior college and so I did, as was expected of me. But what should have been a dream come true, was not— could not be. College football, and the environment it put me in was so homophobic and made me feel so awful that by the end of the season I made up an excuse to tell my parents and switched colleges. Two months later I'd tell them the truth why.

Tired of living a lie and with the support of some wonderful, lifelong friends that I made through furry, I decided to tell my parents. I knew it wouldn't go over well, especially with my father, so I picked a week that I knew he'd be out of town hundreds of miles away. Unable to tell my mom to her face, I wrote my mom a rambling note pages long telling her the truth. In it I wrote everything I'd been feeling for years, the fears I had, the pressures they put on me. When she was out of the house, I put the note on her bed and waited.

She came and found me once she’d read it, tears in her eyes. For hours we talked, her telling me her fears and me telling her I was well aware of the dangers. She had a lot of misconceptions about gay people, ones that I had shared years prior. We talked about aids. We talked about gay lynchings like Matthew Shepard. I had to comfort my mother at a time when I needed comfort myself. We talked about dad and how bad he would handle me coming out. But even with all the heavy topics, I went to work that day feeling lighter, like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I was hopeful that with my mom on my side, that I could handle my father when he returned later that week. Instead, I came home from work that day to find his car in the driveway. My mother, in a major breach of my trust, had called him while I was out and he had driven hundreds of miles back home, abandoning the conference to confront me. He was sitting on the couch when I walked in, seething with a quiet fury. I had seen him mad before, but nothing like that. I sat down on the couch across from him and tried to speak to him, but he said nothing. Finally, he spoke, still not making eye contact. The only thing he said to me, could say to me, was that if he looked at me he wasn't sure what he would do. I believed him.

Fearing for my safety, I packed my bag and left. I drove for an hour, aimlessly, before deciding to take a chance on my aunt who I was very close for. She came through for me in a major way and for weeks I lived at her place, speaking to my parents through her while I figured out a path forward with college. I owe her, and my uncle, for calming my parents down and a couple months later, after a lot of talking, I'd move back in for a few weeks before leaving for a bigger university. Things were still extremely tense, but no longer actively hostile.

University was great for me and for the first time, far from home, I felt like I could try and be the person I always wanted to be. I bought a guitar and joined the guitar club. I studied computer science and made great friends through my major. I got really good at coming out.

That summer after my first year at university was over I attended my first furry convention, Anthrocon, and it was another life changing experience. I carpooled with a number of furry friends. None of us had data or smartphones, so we took turns as the navigator, using printed out MapQuest directions to guide us. We got lost a few times, but no one minded. It was fun and with a car full of queers for the first time I got a glimpse of what a community could be.

A few years later I graduated and shortly after that I got into my first long term relationship. It was a mess, but we both learned a lot. I feel like for a lot of queer people who didn't get to date in highschool that their first adult relationships in their 20s are catching up on things you are supposed to learn in your teens and my first relationship was no different. We fought a lot and we're frustrated with each other. We sucked at communicating and never had any money. But even with that, I don't regret it. And many years later, we're on good terms again.

Finally, in 2021 I moved out east to be with my now long term boyfriend. I have 3 cats, great friends, and an amazing partner. When I was 16 I thought my life was over and at 36 it feels like it's just begun. I wish I could show the younger me this life and let him know that it will be okay. In lieu of that, I leave you this. No life lived being true to yourself is wasted.

Happy Pride.

Love, Elk

[certifiedsexed]

Hi! So, I'm asexual. I know I'm asexual. Like, I didn't realize sex was something people my age were engaging in until I was in like grade 11 because I felt such a disconnect and assumed media just blew everything about sex way out of proportion. I'm also somewhere between sex repulsed and sex neutral. The thought of having sex either seems like and absolute chore (on good days) or is something that makes me feel- no joke- pure , visceral revulsion at the mere thought (on bad ones.) However, I WANT to want sex more than anything. I think on SOME days I'd be ok with being the recieving partner, but I'd never want to reciprocate (ESPECIALLY when it comes to oral sex, thats is something I have always had a really strong negative reaction to thinking about) but being willing to take it and not reciprocate out seems unfair to whoever I'd be with (i've been told it's selfish or rude when i've expressed this to friends), even if me engaging in any sort of sexual activity in the first place would be for their sake (relationships are about compromise and thats a compromise I'd be okay with). That said, I'm not sure a partner out there like that exists and I'm tired of the well meaning bullshit I get from friends being like 'you'll find someone who's gonna love you for you' because no, I haven't and chances are I won't. I'm biromantic, but I experience more attraction to women but still wouldn't really want to have sex with any of them, and considering theres a lot of buzz about how 'lesbian sex is the best sex' because both partners typically consistently and frequently get off, it seems like a bit of a reach to think I could find a girl willing to date me who doesn't want sex. Yes, other asexual folks exist, but considering i don't tend to advertize the fact I'm ace and because I don't dress in a way that could get me clocked as queer, I don't tend to meet a lot (read, any) ace people in my daily life. ANYWAY this is kind of a really in depth plea of me basically asking if there is any resource or literature that can teach me or make me not necessarily DESIRE sex (because I know that can't happen) but mentally become okay with engaging in sex. Like could I, a generally sex repulsed asexual, somehow become a sex favourable asexual through some sort of therapy or other means?

Hi!

Here's the thing, Anon. It's not unfair, selfish or rude to prefer not to reciprocate and/or "take it" during sex. That's just a preference. In fact, in the lesbian community, that's often called being a "stone bottom".

Your friends are in fact incorrect and you should know that having sexual preferences like that are never unfair or rude: you just have to communicate with your partner(s). It's literally fine.

But also, you're talking about being sex repulsed. Sex feels like a chore to you. It's not a good idea to look at sex as a chore you're willing to do for your partner. Especially when sex does make you feel ill often enough it's worth noting.

I'm not saying you can't do it but I am saying if you don't pay attention to your own boundaries, you might just wind up resenting your partner and not being able to tell where your "Hard No's" [As in boundaries that are non-negotiable and that you are not compromising on!!!] are.

It's okay if sex is a Hard No for you, even if it doesn't always make you feel ill. That's your right.

And yes, there is a lot of buzz about lesbian sex being the best. (Which partially has a lot to do with lesbophobia and the cisheteronormative views on lesbian sex "not even being sex".) But that does not mean it's a reach that another girl would want to date you without sex.

It doesn't have to be a girl who doesn't want sex, Anon; there are so many different ways to have sex and ways people enjoy it. For example, there are people who only enjoy masturbation or simply don't mind not having sex with others, especially if it means they can date someone they like.

I genuinely can't help you on finding something that will make you "okay" with engaging in sex and I'm really sorry, Anon.

You could try a sex therapist (they're supposed to be equipped for all manners of issues related to sex) but I don't feel comfortable pointing to any specific therapy methods when a lot of them are based in the idea people are "wrong" in some way for being sex repulsed and they're often hurtful and unhealthy.

But I can say that I'd really recommend joining some online ace communities, specifically with other lesbians/sapphics and talk to some other ace people there. This isn't a you issue, Anon, these are all very common worries that ace people, specifically alloace people have and it might help to talk to other people with similar experiences.

I wish I could help more. Let me know if you have any other questions, Anon. <3

[iphyslitterator]

Director's cut ask - all the drabbles. Just how? I am in awe.

Good lord, this is flattering coming from you 😳 Answer behind the cut, because I actually have a lot to say about how I approach the drabble writing.

The secret is, on your first pass when it's running long, you're not trying to pare down words, you're trying to pare down ideas. There is an element of fidgeting with the word count at the end, but the central task is to figure out the actual most important thing you want to say and stay focused on that core idea.

And you can jettison so much scene-setting to accomplish this. I spent way too much time on "find" trying to figure out the logistics of the helicopter crash before realizing no one cares. Give the reader just enough to understand that Eddie and Tommy were in a crash together, and focus on the core of the drabble, which is Eddie lying to Tommy to keep him alive.

"volunteer" was a turning point for me with learning how to sneak in scene description: I kept trying to start with "Tommy is at his parents' place for a New Year's Eve party" before realizing I could go out of order. We start in medias res with dialogue (much more dynamic); the second paragraph illuminates the first paragraph/clarifies the situation; the fourth paragraph establishes exact time/occasion; the fifth paragraph finally zooms out to show we're at a party at the moment it becomes relevant. And I don't have to describe the room, because it doesn't matter! We're not building an elaborate set here, this is early modern staging: a big empty stage with just enough props and scenery for the audience to understand the action. Come to think of it, my eight years and counting of amateur living room theater may have contributed to my process here.

(Tbqh I thought "volunteer" and "foster" were so good and so tight that I was intimidated for a while because I didn't think I could live up to them.)

My two main goals every day, which I think I usually met, were: It should never feel like I ran out of words; and, the prompt word should always feel natural (phrased to myself as "is this a sentence I would write?"). The second one got trickier once I felt committed to continuing the fight about gay shit every day: "prologue" was a gift; "moon" was really hard, but I kind of love where it ended up. Early on I liked finding counterintuitive prompt interpretations ("pole", "foster"), but later I was guided more by deciding what vibe I wanted to write that day, or letting the prompt help me select one of the ideas I had in reserve.

Speaking of vibes, I loved the freedom to mix it up every day. I wrote angst, fluff, and smut; prosaic, lyrical, and humorous; I played with multiple Tommy backstories, experimented with historical AUs (e.g. "captain"; talk about a worldbuilding efficiency challenge), wrote some Tomney and even some Eddietommy. It was such a fun way to practice skills and try new things!

I gained a vivid appreciation for Omitting Needless Words, which can only be useful going forward. It did get me in trouble with "approach", which I had to take down and re-upload thirty seconds later because I'd accidentally deleted a load-bearing dialogue tag: "she says" was the only indication of Buck's daemon's gender. When I had the time and energy to tinker with complete drabbles, I would look for words that weren't doing much of anything and see if I could fit in another idea. My favorite example is in "pressure": changing "person who won't care" to "person who doesn't ask" suddenly evoked DADT and thus the weight of Tommy's history and a hypothetical future of queer invisibility for Buck that does not exist in a vacuum. The reader may not notice, but it's there!

Finally, endings. I usually tried to end with a stinger of some sort, but I was even more obsessed with the rhythm of the closing lines. This means an absurdly high percentage end with ["dialogue," dialogue tag, "dialogue"]. It's repetitive, but sue me, I think it sounds good.

So that's how I thrived with a word limit! I loved making my little stories, and I'm still really struggling to write longer stuff. But I'm excited that I've given myself permission to keep writing drabbles when the mood strikes; several times now, I've set out to write a meta post and decided I could do it in 118 words instead. I guess I've found my niche 🥰

fanfic director's cut game

[maxisanangrywell]

"Leftist" Rant

I'm lowkey so tired of calling myself a leftist. Every time I talk to another person, a man, woman or nonbinary person, trans, cisgender, queer BIPOC or Indigenous, there's ALWAYS someone taking the hit for something, somewhere.

I'm a firm believer in human rights. I believe humans shouldn't be controlled by a governing body but citizens should control it. I believe in fighting today a better tomorrow. But goddamn am I so tired of hearing how every time there's something good, it comes at the cost of the blood of another.

No, not all men are bad. Not all white people are bad. No one group of people is evil, and we shouldn't be demonizing any groups of people for any reason. White people need to recognize privilege, but everyone is taught to be wary of other people because of the circumstances of our forefathers or our own personal experiences.

It comes back to the, why can't we just be fucking people? What is so hard about opening your heart to other people's struggles, learning from them and loving them even if they hate you in return? Why do we care about the color of people's skin, or their sexual/gender orientation? Why can't we celebrate life, and celebrate love no matter the form it takes? It's so aggravating. No one should have to feel uncomfortable for who they are or choose to be. I'm so tired of leftists pushing white men out for being white men. I'm so tired of leftists pushing out black people for being black, and indigenous people for being indigenous. The movement isn't supposed to be about specific people, it's supposed to be about the betterment of ALL people.

The betterment of HUMANITY. We're all fucking human. It's aggravating when people try to gauge how human you are about how many minority points you can score. I've seen the ugliest of people, I'm watching a genocide unfold before my eyes. A climate crisis that threatens to kill us all.

But what I'm hearing is the sounds of drums, because everyone either wants to use it for their own gain, or have different ways of wanting to fix it.

Maybe it's because I'm young, I'm only 21. But god, am I fucking sick and tired of hearing people fight and argue. Most of us are on the same fucking side, and can't we get along? It's the only way we are going to survive. Bridging these gaps and healing the generational trauma. But you can't heal trauma if you're constantly taking it out on everyone around you and giving them trauma. I don't know. But I do know most of the men that voted for Trump in my life, did it because they felt pushed out of the movement. They felt demonized by the Harris and leftist voters. If we focused on being intersectional, on inclusion for EVERYONE, no one would feel left out or unwanted. Shouldn't that be our fucking goal in the first place? Healing ourselves and the climate, living alongside each other in blissful harmony? Isn't that what we all want and crave? To never look over our shoulders, just be able to grow and thrive with no laws about tradition or who we are or love?

I don't know about you, but I like the sound of it.

[ianthe-is-a-bitch-and-i-love-her]

I've found that when I review a book that was on the whole quite good, but the element I was most interested in didn't quite play out the way I wanted it to, I tend to spend most of my word count on what I didn't like instead of what I did, so I'm going to try for a little more parity here. The Stars Too Fondly is a thoroughly enjoyable sci-fi romance with a lot to recommend it. It begins on a near-future Earth, twenty years after what was supposed to be the first of many missions to begin evacuating humanity to a new planet using a revolutionary new technology that would make interstellar travel cheap and easy failed dramatically and inexplicably on the launch pad, resulting in the cancellation of the program. A group of four postdocs who watched the failure live on television as kids break into the now-derelict launch facility determined to find out why the launch failed and what happened to the crew, all of whom vanished without a trace during the catastrophe. However, the ship inexplicably powers up and launches with them on board, and now they not only have to solve the mystery but also figure out how to survive their multi-year interstellar journey and return, with the help of the ship's onboard AI who, for some reason, has been programmed to be a perfect copy of the missing captain of the original expedition.

I really enjoyed the tone and setting of the book, which is much more Star Trek than it is The Martian, with much more focus placed on character drama, mystery solving, and moral dilemmas than logistical puzzle-solving. The influence of Star Trek: Voyager in particular are worn proudly in both plot elements - a holographic artificial intelligence with questions about her personhood, an unplanned years-long journey that the crew is trying to shorten - and smaller elements, such as the use of food replicators and even a direct reference to the show's most famous episode, Threshold.

The characters were solid and compelling, with engaging dynamics unique voices. I also, barring one personal gripe, really liked the book's exploration of queer experiences. If I found myself on an unplanned space mission, I would also be very concerned about how I was going to get HRT meds!

The book makes use of a combination of plausible hard sci-fi theories, which stopped me from giving the concept of a dark matter engine my usual obligatory eyeroll, and bonkers off the wall pseudo magic soft sci-fi. These elements synergized better than I was afraid they would, but the introduction of the softer elements was a little jarring. Also kinda like Star Trek actually.

The plotting was perfectly solid, though not extraordinary by any means. None of the twists and turns were particularly surprising, but neither did they come across as trite or formulaic. The themes weren't anything novel either, but they were well-supported and conveyed. The writing itself was mostly pretty good, with a few of the rough edges and structural oddities that I've come to expect from debut novels.

So now that I've actually given the book its due, I'm gonna dig too deep into what I found disappointing.

I've noticed a bit of a trend between the last few books I've felt really compelled by, and that's the idea of a character falling in love with someone who, by their very nature, they are not going to be able to have an "ordinary" relationship with. It's what drew me to Flowers for Dead Girls, which is about falling in love with a ghost. It's what drew me to Someone You Can Build a Nest In, which is about a psychologically and physiologically inhuman monster falling in love with a human. And it's what initially drew me to this book, which is about a human falling in love with the hologram of a dead woman - a space ghost, if you want, or a ghost in the machine, if you'd rather. All of these books take some pains to explore the rough edges of these relationships, where the participants' desires are stymied by their physical differences. However, where the previous two books end with the characters establishing an equilibrium of sorts where their needs are met, even if their relationship doesn't look like what society or their own imaginations expected them to look like, The Stars Too Fondly just neatly resolves things such that their differences are no longer a concern and they can have exactly what they imagined. And I found that to be cheap and unsatisfying, especially because the resolution only works if you really, really want it to work. When you start digging into it, it starts falling apart.

It's a symptom of a phenomenon I'm calling, "So You Want to Have Your Tragedy and Eat it Too". It arises when an author has an idea for a very compelling and evocative tragic event or outcome that results in rich character moments and strong thematic resonance and very profound emotions that they really want to explore... but it would also make the happy ending they want for their characters impossible, either because the rules they've established for their story mean that the damage can't be reversed, or because the change is such that, even if the conflict were apparently resolved, the characters have now been changed by the event that they can never be as they were before, and the happy ending is now emotionally impossible.

When this conundrum comes up in the writing process, the author has to decide - do they want to explore the rich possibilities of this tragedy, or do they want to go a different direction that allows for their originally desired happy ending. It's a difficult choice to make, and unfortunately, it's not uncommon for authors to think they can take a third option, that they can come up with a way to have their tragedy but still make things work out in the end. And the end result is a solution that doesn't hold up to scrutiny. That's what happens here, to the point that it's hard to read the last couple chapters because the main character reads like she's deluding herself that everything is fine and she's happy. And you know, that could've been a really interesting - and tragic - direction to go on purpose and explore, but it wasn't on purpose, and it just winds up feeling like the book is trying desperately to convince the reader that everything is alright, really! I can't help but compare it unfavorably to the conclusion of Lovelace's arc in The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, which confronted the fact that nothing could ever be the same again so unflinchingly that it gave rise to A Closed and Common Orbit, one of my favorite books of all time (that I completely forgot when I was trying to list some of my favorite books in a conversation the other day and now I feel like I've betrayed it).

And while I have you here, I also really hate that they made the transfem side character super into astrology. That's a personal bugbear, and while it's one I have grudgingly tolerated the singular time that I have seen a transfem author do it, I really, really wish non-transfem authors would knock that shit off. Find a different quirky interest to give to your transfem characters.

Still, on the whole, I thought it was a really solid book with a lot of entertaining and compelling elements. Unless you are reading it primarily for the logistical and emotional challenges of a romantic relationship between a ghost and a human, I would recommend it without hesitation. If you are, check out any of the other books I referenced in this post instead (except maybe for A Closed and Common Orbit, but if you're the kind of person who would like those other recommendations, I bet you'd like it too).

[why-do-i-like-the-bad-guys]

A point no one ever touches on about Flint:

The fact that he was raised by his grandfather.

Now, maybe it was common back then, but from personal experience; losing your parents at such a young age makes a huge impact on a person.

People argue that “Flint” was created because of the loss of Thomas Hamilton. But I’d like to think it was when he lost his parents. The only difference being, Miranda and Thomas allowed him to come out of the shadows, out of hiding. He had that rage inside him before he lost Thomas, his boss in the Navy said so himself after he beat up a guy in the bar. He had a darkness in him that not even he understood the depths of.

I can definitely relate to that statement and mindset, I think as a kid instead of acting out on his aggression; Flint used books and stories to try and escape his reality, so he wouldn’t be alone with his own thoughts. I do the same with TV shows and stories I write.

But then he found Thomas and Miranda and he didn’t need the books to crawl into, he was accepted by them, welcomed. And as someone who was adopted themselves, it’s extremely hard and sometimes it feels impossible to believe that someone could love you as you are or for who you are. Not only that, I think he found family within them, something sometimes hard for someone who loses their parents.

Flint tried to fit in by becoming an officer, upholding the standards of the law and whatnot, to be like everyone else. But deep inside, I think he felt very out of place and alone. He saw the world as it was, the cruelty within the people, and he ended up showing that to Thomas who was quite oblivious to it. But Flint knew the world was cruel at an early age.

They come from different backgrounds, but together they get to see the world through each other’s eyes, and that is a world that they can see being happy in.

Now, I know a lot of people like to think it’s purely queer rage that drove Flint, but I like to think it was something much deeper than that. Yes, he loved Thomas, inside and out, but I think Thomas was the first person who he didn’t have to pretend with. He was the first person who made him feel as if he wasn’t alone: that he was worthy of being loved. Then he was taken away and James became Flint and took Miranda away with him out of England.

Her ghost even says that first to him, she was a mother, and that’s why he was so ruined over her. He lost his mother again. I think it just shows that his reasons are a lot deeper than just being ostracized for being queer in that time. I think his rage goes beyond that, it goes all the way to his core of who he believes he is because of the loss of his parents. He came up from nothing, his grandfather wasn’t well off, he didn’t have a mother figure, that can be extremely damaging to a child growing up.

And sure, he had his grandfather, but growing up without parents also makes it extremely hard to figure out who you are. And it doesn’t specifically say how he lost his parents, but personally I like to believe that he lost his mother in childbirth, maybe his father died before he was born. It does mention that his father was a carpenter’s mate (worked on a ship) and that James himself had no schooling growing up. Which means, he learned everything himself because his grandfather was a fisherman and probably wasn’t well educated either. So he came from literally nothing and made something of himself, yet I don’t think he was content. I think he kept climbing the ranks, hoping it would give him a sense of meaning or purpose within his life, give him the peace he wanted, fill the hole within that losing his parents left.

An additional to that would be that James McGraw was a personality he put on, much like he did with Flint.

I also think he saw Gates as a father figure, a mentor, someone he trusted and respected more than any one else. So I think when Gates betrayed him, it broke something inside of him and he felt alone again.

He also says that England took his home; and I don’t think he meant the physical place, I think he meant Thomas. But I also think he meant his final security within himself. With Thomas and Miranda he found family, he found love and trust.

When Miranda was murdered it was the absolute last straw for him. It was like his mother dying all over again; except this time she was murdered, and now no one was safe from his vengeance. And people might think he went overboard, but think about it: someone insinuated that she was a slut and he almost beat the man to death. I think it was well within his rage now he burned the entire place down after she was murdered. Hell, those people got off easy.

He also talks about where the name Flint came from. A man that was never seen again. I think he chose it because in his mind, identity was something you could change, something you could toss away when done with. But closer to the end, he realized, he was Flint, Flint was him, and there was no throwing it away and starting over.

He tells Silver that he shouldn’t be afraid that he (Silver) will be his end because I think he already realizes that he’s already his own end. That there is no other way other than to die, in order to get rid of Flint. I think he knew at some point, that Silver would have to kill him and he was oky with it, but as long as the war was won or Silver carried on with the efforts of the war, so Flint would no longer be needed. Or Flint would just off himself when the time came. It was like passing on the torch, only Silver blew it out in front of him.

And for the offing himself part, we all know he would do it because at the end of the first season he tried to drown himself, he gave up hope. So he does have it in him to do that. (Not so fun fact: adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide)

And I think it’s another reason Flint allowed himself to trust Silver in the first place. On some level, he knew that Silver understood what it was to have no solid identity, to have a background that made something inside of you missing. Silver had no problems shifting his position on the ship in order to stay relevant, which is why they made such good partners, because they understood one another in a way that Gates never could. But the thing with Silver was that he couldn’t see the ultimate bigger picture like Flint could, he didn’t have the loss Flint had, the sacrifices that Flint made, all he saw in the end was the destruction, not the new beginning coming out of the ashes.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[carrawayband]

I've never felt the need to come out.

Oh boy, here's a long winding text post, for context my band has recently finished recording our debut album- you can listen to the first single Mile marker (it's on all platforms and you can find all our accounts on my pinned post or like one post under this I literally linked them all) It has been our most successful release to date, I've gotten many kind messages about the song and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to interact with our art. This music is something I've been working on for a long time and comes from a very genuine place that I started making when I felt like I would never make music again.

That being said... I tag everything I do with LGBT and some people have asked me "Nick, why do you do that?" Which is a fair question. I think I've thrown the off hand mention of identifying with the term "queer" here and there but I literally have not in my entire life "come out" as anything. This has been and I guess still feels like the case to me even in the process of writing this post, I don't feel the need to "come out" as I never thought I was "straight" or "cisgender" I never openly identified as a man... I've always dressed weird and as a kid I was as into "girly" things as I was the masculine things. I never thought of myself of as a guy, or a girl. As a kid I didn't really experience "crushes" as a lot of my peers did. That was fine, I equated a few very strong platonic friendships particularly with members of the opposite sex as crushes. That being said there was never the slightest bit of real romantic feeling there. I still have a hard time distinguishing those feelings, but I've been in a relationship for coming up on three years and I'm lucky enough that my partner understands that sometimes I just don't feel traditionally romantic.

What's the point of this winding post? I don't really know, I wanted to make a post to explain to all the new friends I've made here and old friends who I've never really explained anything about my sexuality or gender identity to that I definitely don't feel I fit into the cisgender heterosexual binary- I think labels are a really difficult thing... I never have cared to describe my gender, I haven't thought of myself as a man really ever. As far as sexuality goes when I was younger I messed around with a few like pan and bi but the truth is I never have really thought about gender at all when it comes to attraction but just feel saying bisexual is the easiest cop out to those close enough to know that my celebrity crushers were both Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone (those are still the BEST Spiderman movies and I'll fight ANYONE). The one label I do know properly describes me is aro/ace and that is something that I have told two people in the entire world. My partner and my therapist. Well three now, Tumblr you count as one person <3.

I try to be as genuine to who I am on here and in my music as I can. I have always felt a strong connection to the queer community and a lot of our music has themes and messages that directly relate to that feeling. I don't want to be a big sap who's just posting some crazy long post to make everyone go OH CONGRATS. this isn't congrats-able this is barely even a coherent post. This is just me being honest and the truth is I appreciate you all and I want to be honest about my identity both with you and myself- without making a seemingly trite sappy post like this I feel like I'd be doing a disservice to those who feel like their identities aren't represented by there peers and also as a disservice to myself for not being honest with the people I appreciate most.

Listen to Mile Marker. Yes I'm plugging AGAIN in the coming out post. We have so much music to come and I hope you're around for it. I appreciate that you would take the time to read this.

tl;dr Nick identifies as queer and aro/ace

[tr-ash-posts]

Disclaimer: this post was written years ago and sat in my drafts until now. This people and I don't speak anymore but this was admittedly a pretty good experience so I'm posting it.

God, fuck, idk if you guys get it. I've been debating posting this bc one of them lurks around here, but I'm just gonna go for it and hope it's okay. It also might help someone in the same situation realize that it's gonna be okay.

So, when I was 13, i realized I don't really have a gender. I changed my name and started going by they/them pronouns, when with people I trusted. The year after, i met someone that became very important to me, so i decided I wanted to tell him about this part of me. This is a cishet guy we're talking about, so I decided to go slow. At first i told him to use the right name, which he told me was weird. I should've dropped his ass right then, but alas I didn't, and a few months later i was coming out to him as nonbinary, agender. His reaction wasn't bad enough to make me question whether he cared about me (but let's be honest, I wouldn't have questioned it anyways), but it made me feel weird and out of place, and i had this thought process of "if this person who cares about me reacted like this, then I'm doomed, bc those who don't care about me can only react worse". Later on he became comfortable with the concept (although I'm pretty sure he still viewed me as my assigned gender at birth, bc later his friend came out as trans and he told me he was excited that she was the first trans person he'd known), but it's made me feel weird about discussing my identity with cis people and even other trans (binary) people

Yesterday i asked my best friends to use he/him pronouns for me in our native language, bc it's one of those languages that doesn't have a neutral form. I've gotten pretty good at avoiding gendered terms for myself, but neither of them is too good with handling languagesm and i understand that it might be hard for them, but also, i like he/him pronouns. For example, if you have to call me a gendered royalty name I'd rather, like, king, and stuff.

The thing is, my presentation is very, very feminine, for matters out of my control. I've been putting up with she/her and feminine terms in our native language, in fear that I'll burden other people, because I felt like I had to right to demand to be referred to with the correct pronouns, and no one would take it seriously, or they'd refuse to use them in fear of looking stupid.

So there I was. Mcfucking terrified as we all know coming out and such things can make us. Hands shaking, heart thumping, about to barf. Both of these dudes are queer, mind you. So I tell them, first one of them. And it's going really well, and now I'm preparing to go deal with my fear of burdening him, by myself (it's a process that involves a lot of wound licking and reassurance, but also shame and guilt), and as I'm about to go, this motherfucker goes "It'll be so cool to use the right pronouns" and it feels fucking surreal.

[prettyboykatsuki-moved]

extended authors note for another name for homesick

hey...lmao

first of all. i want to give a shoutout again to @ficsforgaza for hosting this event and giving me and my followers a nice way to fundraiser through our community. i just wanted a place to promote them and encourage people to donate and participate in the event. thank you for your hard work!

second, i'm writing this preemptively. i.e. before the fic is even finished. the way things are going right now, i have no doubt that i'm going to need some kind of authors note

this fic got more serious than i thought it would. which yeah, makes sense. i initially just planned on making this a horny fic with a little hint of bi4bi undertones but somewhere along the lines it started being about queerness and growing up on the whole.

there is definitely some sexism and homphobia relevant to omegaverse lore in here. there is also a lot of references to puberty.

specifically, though - there's a scene where reading experiences sexual harassment while very underage. and i felt that needed more context.

the scene itself is reader being on the train home while experiencing their first heat and their feelings of disgust in relation to their body's instinctual response to touch / sexual harassment by an older alpha.

i wondered if i should include this scene a lot before writing it but ultimately, it felt like betrayal to this readers struggles and characterization to not as it shapes their life and worldview.

the scene itself is not strictly necessary for you to read. it's intended to be more true to life in a way i know might be triggering so i will include an indicator for the scenes stop and start. but i wanted to give some explanation before that.

in general, i hope this fic doesn't upset anyone. i write a lot of incredibly dark content but it's very different imo to be writing something that handles such serious real life subject matter and i wanted to at least try to handle it with some level of delicacy.

it's really not my strong suit, nor is world building. im actually so dogshit at both its hilarious so imagine my horror and dismay when this fic won the poll. fdkjfskjd.

either way, i wanted to at least try to handle these themes with some care and i hope at the very least you can give me benefit of the doubt when it comes to how i've written.

this fic isn't meant to dismiss labels, but rather to emphasize that labels come secondary to acceptance and that love takes a lot of different forms. and i hope to any young queer people who don't full know which way they land that you're not obligated to put yourself in a box.

anyways. thank you for letting me yap and i hope you enjoy the fic. if nothing else, i hope the porn is hot.

love,

fang.

[jazryl]

Thame Po EP 10 Review

This episode of ThamePo is something that I already expected, but still, it turned out to be something that is too heavy to process for me. Dating in the idol industry is a common conflict that a story like ThamePo would delve into, and there some choices in the narrative of this episode that I really liked, and some which are--I guess--something that I thought could have been handled better.

The first half of this episode gave me the impression that I may have taken part writing it, as it turned out to be exactly how I imagined it to be. From the moment Thame and Po are on the bed in the morning, then the news breaking about Pepper and Gam dating (and the motivation as to why Thame and Po's photos were not leaked), up until the point that Po is reassigned to work with Ice, everything unfolded just as I expected. From the direction the story was going, I though that this was the best route that they can go around this. After all, it made sense since back in episode 6, Pemika had an idea about Pepper being in a relationship with Gam.

With that being said, I knew that we would go through this plot point, though I thought that this came in too late into the story. I believe that it could be a little more impactful if a previous episode briefly showed Thame and Po getting caught, or maybe a scene where the media company has already curated a repository of the pictures of the group. I thought that it just needed something more to build up on this storyline.

This plot point coming in too late gave me the impression that 1) nobody clocked that Po has been helping MARS all this time, like nobody had an idea to keep watch on him, and 2) the company is too inefficient to even know what is up with MARS. I just thought that it did not make sense to me that they are letting Po slip away (in like, plain sight too!) and get away with this way too easily. Overall, I thought that they could have either inserted this plot line earlier in the story, or they could have shown us pieces of this part of the story that would build up to this very moment.

One aspect that I enjoyed in this episode is the way they sold us the fantasy that MARS is a popular group. I think that throughout the series, the story built the group to be popular enough for billboards with their faces to be plastered basically everywhere. However, I found that the show has been struggling to sell us this part when they are in public roaming around without being noticed, Thame and Po doing little to no attempts to keep their distance, and so on and so forth. In general, I had a hard time "estimating" the fame of MARS as a group throughout the series, and I thought that this episode was the one closest to the world that they built around the group. Like, they finally remembered that MARS is famous.

A highlight of this episode was the back and forth between the conversation of the group and the conversation between Baifern and Po with how fans handle their idols dating. I thought that everything that transpired in that scene came from a realistic place as we can see this controversy unfold right before us. As fans of idol groups, we tend to view our idols as commodities and our possessions meant to cater to us. We tend to be caught up with the parasocial aspect of looking up to them, which eventually becomes excessive and unhealthy.

While I love the message that they imparted with us, which we should definitely take outside of our understanding of the show, I somehow thought that the conversation felt a little (I cannot think of a better word for it) "produced". Especally with the conversation with the group shown to us, it felt to me like a drag race episode where a queen out of nowhere while fixing their makeup for the runway opens a conversation about one'es queer experience. I don't know how to exactly describe it, but I felt like they could have been more subtle about talking around it. However, I understand that they delivered this scene and this message in a way that is obvious and into your face. I still appreciate its directness, and the way that it tells the audience rather than show it to us. After all, some of us are not very bright to pick these up and apply them (just kidding, or not?).

This episode made me nervous out of anticipation. I can feel the tension up until the press conference scene, which ended up to be tragic for Pepper and Gam. I understood Gam in this situation, and looking into this decision as how it impacts the story, I appreciate that they resolved it in this note, which brings a lot of anticipation for what is about to happen when Thame and Po gets in such a situation. We saw Po witnessing everything and I think this is a great challenge to his character. By hearing what Gam has to say, I think it brings another perspective for Po's character as he is about to make the most crucial decisions. He finally found someone who would love and see him for the way that he is out of Thame, but at what cost? What is he willing to sacrifice for his and Thame's dreams and happiness?

Despite the arising anxiety that Po feels about the destiny of their love story, I am happy that we get to see him with Thame reassuring him that everything will be fine. The kiss in the storage room, their hug, and Thame's "I love you" to top everything off, are great complements to ease Po's constantly worrying heart. Though I don't know how Thame managed to hold Po's hand in the sandwich shop without the fear of being caught... again (haha).

With that, I think this is a solid episode with a great message that I appreciate, though I think some technicalities in the storytelling and pacing could be delivered differently for better impact and build-up. I am excited as usual for the next episode. However, I am also nervous as I do not really have an idea how they would handle things at this point, especially that the preview for the next episode did not really show us anything so substantial.

[avpdvoidspace]

Do you ever struggle with being demonized for your quietness? I have, pretty much my whole life. I think it's a huge problem in society, if I'm being honest. I'm tired of acting like my whole child-self was in the wrong for not being able to bring myself to talk in a lot of situations, especially since I didn't get diagnosed and treated for my disorders until I was an adult. To be honest, I think it's society's way of demonizing people with AvPD, non-verbal autism and selective mutism. Thinking people like us are "rude" or "suspicious" for only speaking when spoken to, or having a non-verbal episode where we can't speak at all. I was suspected of being violent or "hiding something". Also I was deemed "weird" and treated like some alien due to other neurodivergencies as well.

People on this website sometimes act like being quiet is also a weakness or result of privilege. My parents were encouraging me and trying to get me to speak all the time, though. No one was saying "you don't have to speak if you don't want to". My father used to get angry with me about it, calling me "weak" and my mother used to guilt-trip me for it, claiming I "never tried hard enough" for her because I couldn't get myself to be neurotypical.

I also grew up in a world of domestic violence. My mother told me the abuse she faced from my father started getting particularly worse when she was pregnant with me. I was a little child born on-edge and having to walk on eggshells. My parents would get into violent fights with each other and my father would hit me, too. Both my parents worked and instead of spending time at home playing or bonding with family like other kids did, I was made to go to headstart when I was only like 2. I know it might seem like not a big deal, but thinking about it, I didn't have the same experiences that average kids do, and I still don't know if whether or not that contributed to my avoidant personality. I didn't even realize most kids don't even start school until they're 4 or 5 until I was much older. People have been getting me out there and encouraging me to socialize with others since the very beginning. It never worked.

I spent my whole life hating myself for it. I felt like I was never competent and that I was a burden on my mother. And there were many times I did try to make connections with others but they ended up either backstabbing me or shaming me for my interests. I regret a lot of the times I allowed myself to be known by others. There are many memories of me simply saying things to people that make me feel awful. Terrible disorder.

I did manage to make and keep some friends. But also I'm still not truly myself with most of them and still afraid they're going to end up demonizing me too if they knew more about me. Being queer and growing up with having kinks has left me with seeing so much family, strangers, and even other queer people say people like me are "freaks" and "degenerates" to my face without knowing they're talking someone who's exactly the kind of person they think should be killed.

I saw a post recently and honestly, it doesn't even apply to me. However, it still managed evoke a lot of negative emotions and memories I am experiencing right now...

So there's this post going around that goes something like "discourse about letting kids not say 'trick or treat' is concerning"(paraphrasing) which was weird to me at first because I've never seen anyone say they allow their kids not to say it. I've always said "trick or trick" during Halloween as a kid, even adding some "meows" because I liked being a cat. So it doesn't even apply to me.

But then there were people acting like not saying it comes from a place of privilege. Someone was like (paraphrasing again)"when I was giving out candy, all the black children were lively and sweet, and all the kids who didn't say it were white and probably middle class".

And that struck me a bit. I'm mixed race. People treated me like a potential violent threat because of my quiet nature, which was a result from trauma, not anyone "babying" me. I was always working class. My parents didn't even own a car. We used public transportation to get everywhere.

BIPOC kids who are quiet get treated as threats! Of course you fucking enjoy lively black kids. If one of them was quiet, you might demonize them...

Then there were people saying "you people just need to grow up."

It's so strange that traits that apply to non-verbal autism or CPTSD get deemed as "social anxiety", because tumblr thinks that is the lesser disorder.

I don't know. I got a lot of bad memories spring up from seeing that post, and I just wanted to vent about it here. So many people demonized me for being quiet growing up and it made me believe I was a monster for so long.

I'm not even saying I encourage the behavior of refusing to talk to people. I had a nice conversation with an old woman at Dunkin yesterday. I enjoy small talk and listening to others talk, even when I can't add much to the conversation. I just worry about other children who are like how I was growing up, being traumatized and quiet and being treated like shit for it... I don't trust anyone sees "quiet" as "rude"

I'm sorry about the length and I hope you're doing well.

anon, I'm sorry this took me so long to post. I just want to say that your ask really resonated with me and I've thought about it several times since receiving it. I get similarly frustrated when I see priveleged people praising marginalized for being more friendly, more whatever, for similar reasons. Or setting up an oppression competition between two groups they're not even a part of.

[mushiver]

How can you be Bi/Trans and Christian?

Good question! Also a personal one, so it's hard to tell without a story. If you stick around to read, I appreciate it. I'm gonna be vulnerable on this dinky little tumblr page

I was raised a Christian and always believed. I'd say it "clicked" the most when I was 13, and that's when I committed. I've lost faith at times, but for the most part, it's always been the foundation of my life. I think about God before I make decisions, I rely on Him when I'm anxious, and I thank Him for everything. I'm very much summarizing it, but I have a good relationship with God. The more seeds I have planted in my faith, the better my life is, and the more loving I am to others

I heard about gay people when I was eight, and my first thought was "why didn't I think of that?" Like... of course people of the same gender can have romantic feelings. There's tons of variations in nature and humanity, and that made sense to me. I also thought it was ultra rare, so for the next several years, when I saw gay couples or lgbtq things online, I was looking from a distance, like I related so hard because of my isolating gender experience, but I thought no way it could be me out of millions. I was weirdly focused on the odds.

Similarly, when I found out about trans people at 12, I was like "of COURSE they exist" and I was blown away that people could transition. I related hard, even if I thought it would never be a possibility for me.

First, finding out I was bi. Even though I was blatantly attracted to guys and girls, I swept it under the rug with things like "but anyone would-" "but I wouldn't date-" "it's just admiration" until I was 14. I had a real crush then, and I fell super hard for one of my friends I met at church (he's now out as trans, but either way, we were the same gender at the time and are now), and that's when it hit me that it wasn't some fluke or me "wanting to be a part of the community" (even though the reason I did in the first place was because I felt ostracized because of the way I felt about gender)

I was down bad for this guy, and it was hard to tell what he thought of me because he was affectionate with everyone. But I thought I had a sliver of a chance, so I had a freakout and questioned my sexuality.

Throughout the years, I've heard Christians be homophobic, and I've heard people say it's a sin, but I never understood it. I never felt it in my heart. I didn't know gay people, but I wasn't kept out of that sphere, so I knew they had real, loving relationships, and it wasn't all about a party drugs and sex lifestyle. Can gay people live that way? Yes. Is it the majority? Not even close. Unhealthy behavior is what churches usually cling to, and they condemn the whole community by it. Similarly, people point at churches like Westbro and condemn all Christians. I'm sure you've all seen the vitriol back and forth, and queer Christians are in the line of fire on both sides. Community and support is beyond helpful because of that

Again, my faith comes first. I couldn't accept being bi if God couldn't, so I did a lot of research. On the anti-lgbtq side, I heard the Bible verses. They seemed to condemn it, but never spoke about love between two people. I'll come back to this. Mostly, the anti side used their own arguments, like "look at these people, they get aids" and "your identity should only be in christ."

The pro-lgbtq side took a deep dive into scripture. I was used to hearing "it's on the page, the Bible is clear" when TONS of scripture cannot be taken at face value. That's why theologians study the true meaning AND its use in modern, post resurrection life. It's hermeneutics. And the fact is, the word "homosexual" was added in the Bible in the 40s, before our modern understanding of it. References to homosexuality were references to the "lover-beloved" relationships between slaves and slaveholders, or teacher and student. "Effeminates" were catamites. Homosexuality wasn't a concept in the first century, but pederasty was, and the Bible condemns it. There's a long, rich history of the 6 verses about homosexuality, and it's too short for a tumblr post, but there's the Reformation Project to check out, CenterPeace, Torn by Justin Lee, God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines, and Walking the Bridgeless Canyon by Kathy Baldock.

Not only is there a lot of evidence (made in faith by people who want to determine God's will), there's tons of queer Christians living happily. It's not a double life. It's not holding onto sin. It's not holding onto a toxic religion. If you hate being lgbtq, something inseparable from yourself, then you're going to hate yourself. So many lgbtq Christians live in shame because they think it's their only choice. Conversion therapy doesn't work. Straight people can be straight and have their identity rooted in christ, but gay people are told they can't do that

Because I prayed about it for so long and did the research, I believed that being bi and Christian were not at odds. If you're a Christian, you probably know the feeling of being spiritually guided. I came out to a few people, including my parents, and they didn't accept it, but they tolerated it and didn't forbid me from dating if I got the chance (I didn't lol. Still have never dated and I'm 19). But even though I struggled with shame from their judgement, I was grateful they didn't ostracize me

Gonna fast track this because it's getting long, but being trans was the back-of-my-mind thing I ignored. I ALWAYS felt it somewhere. Since I was three, I sometimes imagined growing up a man. Any chance to prove I was manly, I did. I also hid it out of fear, so I was often hyperfeminine in appearance while masculine in behavior. It's all subjective, I know, but the point is that being masculine grounded me. That's what made me feel like myself. But I also wanted to be seen. It's frustrating when you're so uncomfortable in your body and being feminized, and you can't even look the way you want to because your family is the cops you don't want to make suspicious and the church is prison. It shouldn't BE the prison. It wasn't always that way. It's still a haven for lots of queer people, but I didn't want to be condemned for something that I couldn't change and didn't cause. I felt like there was a boy brain inside me, but it was my job and duty to play a girl

Once again, at 14, it came into question. It was my most social year (being homeschooled) so dysphoria was the worst it had been. I wanted to be seen as a guy. It took months of questioning and debating, but I cut my hair. Everyone was surprisingly cool with it, so over the years, I phased out my clothes and accepted my masculinity.

Every once in a while, I'd privately question my gender, think about my name, and pray like my life was in danger (from the anxiety) but I ultimately stopped when a family member got suspicious. This went on repeat for a year. Before I tuned 16, I was absolutely sure. I couldn't keep doubting it, and I needed to come out so I wasn't dealing with it alone. But again, some Christians are so hostile towards trans people, and I went down a rabbit hole that pulled on my anxiety and despair. It wasn't wrong in my heart, I wasn't furthering myself from God spiritually, but shame took over my own convictions. I spent the next year in deep denial and punished myself every time I thought about being trans. I grew out my hair, bought new clothes, and forced myself to wear makeup. I almost lost my life, and my arms and legs were covered in scars

That was the furthest I'd been from my faith. I carried my own cross with a "I'm doing this for you" mentality when it was never something God asked me to do. In a way, it was cowardly. I listened to the world, my shame, and my parents, and threw away what I knew to be the truth because standing for it made me too anxious. I did that for a long time, and I lost some months of my life. I can't physically remember them. It was a traumatic experience, so they're blocked out

When I couldn't take it anymore, I prayed after my silence and said "guide me." I took it slow, and stopped denying and pushing away thoughts about my future and my identity. I grounded myself and came back to my faith and started researching deeper into theology.

When I was sure of myself, I came out to my parents at 17. At the time, they took it as well as they could. They didn't shun me, and they started using the name I chose. It's been hard throughout the years, and they're not on good terms with it still, but I trust God to take it where it needs to go. I deal with a lot of grief with my parents, but I can't cower and hide what I believe in anymore. It effects more than just me

Now I've done years of praying, theological research, writing a 45,000 word essay, meeting queer Christians, reading the whole Bible, and having a relationship with God, and I'm at peace with myself. It took my whole life to get there, but I fight the shame that's placed on me with my faith. I rely on God. It's important that I distinguish myself as both a Christian and queer because there's still millions of people who are scared and suicidal because they've been told they have to get rid of it to love Him. When they can't get rid of it, they assume they're not enough, so they either lose faith or hate themselves

It's just a little detail in my bio, but that's how I'm both. I want queer Christians, or anyone really, to see me and know that I am this way, and my life is still whole. That's the long story short. If you're reading this and you're also a queer Christian, you're not alone and there's tons of people of faith fighting for us :)

I don't know anything about anon, but hopefully this answered your question

[alatismeni-theitsa]

This might be a weird question but I’m first Generation Greek diaspora in Canada and I often feel disconnected from my culture. I have found out that I’m non-binary in some way and I want to change my name because it’s a very feminine name. However, it’s also a very Greek name, and I feel like erasing it in place of some WASP or USian name would make me feel even more disconnected from my culture. I’ve been looking online for Greek unisex name lists but they always have names that no Greek actually has or are not unisex. I know that we have a problem with naming people the same thing, I think like 50% of the Greek girls I meet are named Maria or some variant of it, but I have met some cool names people. Still, I want to choose a name that reflects my culture and my identity and I haven’t come out to my family yet so I can’t ask them. Anyways, I was just wondering if you could think of any off the top of your head or if you could recommend a baby name list. Sorry if this is hard I don’t mean to stress you out, I just don’t have many people who I can talk to about Greek culture

Hi! Perhaps you could go with Χάρις which is feminine but also sounds like Χάρης, the masculine name. ;) Or some other modern Greek names that end in -ις. (Which.... tbh I can't think of anything atm 😂) But feel free to check some and come back to ask if you can use them nowadays.

I am not non-binary and I don't have the energy or time to go to queer Greek spaces although I belong there ���� This is to say that I am not aware of any solution that the Greek ΛΟΑΤΚΙ+ community has found for this. And that anyone who knows what's going on can fill us in.

The explanation/context:

It's true that Greek names are gendered so I cannot find anything from the top of my mind to suggest :/ I was about to suggest some more "powerful" Greek names (like Alexandra) but that would also suggest that there are "masculine" and "feminine" traits that belong only to a certain gender. I don't want to imply that war or physical power is strictly a "masculine" thing ya know, or that a "Maria" is automatically feminine and cannot be assertive or even fire a gun. Traits don't have "feminine" and "masculine" vibes to me, they are just human traits. After all, Greek women are known for their resilience and toughness, the ability to terrify anyone with merely a stare and a slipper/stick, and their fierceness when they make it into military ranks.

Tbh I think Greeks experience being non-binary beyond names. Names can be irrelevant. E.g. you can have a feminine or a masculine name and still be non-binary. English speakers often make a fuss about what names are masculine and feminine but I haven't seen Greeks care much about it. Greeks don't argue about what names are "more feminine". That's not how we see names and that's not how we connect them with gender. No one cares if they call you Melina and you have 100 piercings and ride a motorcycle. So in this society there's no thought to get rid of your name if it doesn't "match" your actions or basic expression.

Ofc you can change your name for whatever reason. I am only speaking on the Greek mindset about names and gender. The Greek non-binary people I've met in Greece go by their gendered baptism names. In online spaces only they go by English names, or just by their initials, as the English trend is.

Sometimes I also suspect that there are differences between what feels non-binary for a Greek and what feels non-binary for a Canadian. I might be completely wrong here, but I am letting this thought out there to see if there are indeed different perspectives. For example, I've felt a difference between local queerness in some cases, like when USians see a Greek woman with "αγορέ" short hair and...average person movements (not feminine or masculine I mean, just a person existing), and immediately switch to "they/them". Meanwhile for Greek society this person naturally falls into the "default woman" category and we wouldn't see any reason to not use she/her. (I'm talking about cases where the person also doesnt say anywhere that they are non-binary or that they use they/them pronouns.)

In aaaaany case, our societal norms, our histories, and presentations are not the same and for this reason I also applaud your decision to choose a name that reflects your culture and identity. As people we are a mix of many things and our characteristics carry a cultural flavour.

Given all this, and driven by practicality, I would say that it would be better to go with a feminine name (because of your physical presentation) but choose whatever feels better for you. Don't think of Greek names for females as "more or less" feminine, since that's not the Greek way of thinking.

More suggestions:

You can choose a name that honours your values, or a characteristic that you want to have or you are proud that you have. You can choose names that express concepts, like "wisdom" (Σοφία), "love" (Αγάπη), "freedom" (Ελευθερία/Ρία), "hope" (Ελπίδα), "salvation" (Σωτηρία), "reign" (Βασιλεία), "happy/beloved" (Ασπασία), grace (Χάρις).

Just because these words are feminine, it doesn't mean that they are feminine traits. They are feminine GRAMMATICALLY. Something that English speakers might not understand is that gendered language doesn't mean that you assign gender to things. Heck, even the chair is a feminine noun in Greek but no one suggests there's any feminine about a chair 😂"Dick" (yes the genitals) can also be a feminine word. (η πούτσα) Like, the feminine pronoun doesn't mean anything.

Sure, the connection between names and sex is strong in Greek, but not in the sense English speakers (or people who speak neutral-gender languages) might think. We can recognise Greek sexism and separatism but at the same time I think it's important to understand that each society sees different traits in the sexes and genders.

You could also choose names like "farmer" (Γιωργία, to suggest that you like to work the earth), or the name of some Greek goddess, or some Greek saint to show that you have their attributes. Or the name of an empress, or the name of an emperor but in its feminine version (e.g. Κωνσταντίνα). Maybe the name of a Muse, if you are a creative.

That's it from me 💙 Sorry to have delayed this answer but I needed to think a lot, and life doesn't let me think or answer to asks a lot these days. I hope I managed to help even a little bit.

=====================================

As I said, I am not non-binary, and I don't want to speak over non-binary people. I am answering this because you said that you don't have lots of people to talk about these things, and perhaps it's better to have someone queer say some stuff about it. As always, more opinions are welcome in the comments and reblogs. I don't have all the knowledge in the world.