#the struggle w self control....why do i like that so much like it makes me go fucking crazy

[redstrewn]

im fr so weak to fictional men w deceptively soft exteriors like that shit makes me go fucking crazy

[nottsangel]

you have no idea how baaadly i want tie enzo up and ride him with sooo much included praise for him. like.. seeing him struggle??? yes please sign me up babe🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

“is this really necessary?” lorenzo drawls with a lazy, self-assured smirk, gazing up at you with a challenging sparkle in his eyes as he lightly tugs at the restraints tightly wrapped around his wrists. “yes, enzo. it is.” you reply in a firm, resolute tone. he’s finally let you have control for once— and you’re the determined to make the most of it. you can see in his eyes that he’s still holding on to control, but you’re confident he’ll let go soon enough.

you crawl towards him on the bed as he eyes you with a hungry, lustful look, biting down hard on his swollen lip. “actually, this isn’t so bad.” he groans, eyes greedily scanning every inch of your exposed, naked body, impatiently waiting to feel you wrapped around his cock while you hover over his lap. “i could get used to this.” he murmurs, pleasantly surprised by how much he enjoys not having to lift even a finger.

“yeah? you sure about that?” you taunt before you suddenly sink down on him, your hands resting firmly on his chest as he lets out a loud moan. “oh, fuck.” you waste no time, bouncing up and down quickly, your hands moving sensually towards your tits as you massage them and toy with your hard nipples. now, this is the moment where lorenzo begins to struggle, as he so desperately wants to touch every part of your body, yet he’s helplessly forced to simply watch as your tits bounce right in his face. his confident smirk fades instantly, replaced by an unmistakable expression of desperation and frustration.

“what’s wrong, baby? you don’t like it anymore?” you tease, a small, amused chuckle escaping your lips as you shift towards his neck and plant soft, lingering kisses against his warm skin. he groans in response, visibly frustrated as you continue to ride him, hips skilfully rocking back and forth. “just relax, alright? you’re doing so well for me, baby.” you coo, feeling his throbbing, pulsating cock twitch at your praise as you trail quick kisses along his jawline.

“you feel so good, enzo. so fucking big.” you whisper directly into his ear, fully realising that your words are bringing him closer to the edge— and that’s when you stop. “w-what? why are you stopping? i was so fucking close.” “aw, you wanna cum? then you gotta beg for it, pretty boy.”

ੈ♡˳

[cre8inghavoc]

What are Friends For?

PT. 3

Status: ongoing!!

Updates: no set date.

WC: 1648

Pairing: megumi fushiguro x FEM!reader

Genre/Warnings:[18+] This story contains toxic boyfriend, cursing, name calling, self-doubt/hate, angst, breaking up, post-breakup, alcohol, drunk moments, new friends, dating!au, college!au, no curses!au, dark humour, dark jokes. SMAU.

Recap: 

The music is blasting, and the lights are flickering like crazy as you enter the club. You haven't been to a club in a year, so being here with your friends actually feels kind of nice... You all head to the bar and start downing shots one after another. After your fourth shot, you start feeling the alcohol kick in. As you reach for another shot, you feel a hand on your shoulder and a voice whispering in your ear.

"Slow down..."

Wait... this voice... It sounds so familiar. You turn your head quickly and see who it is.

No way.

"Hey there, angel," he greets, a playful smirk tugging across his face.

"Oh my gosh... What are you doing here?" you blurt out, trying to be heard over the thumping music.

"Huh?" he responds, looking both confused and amused.

Ignoring the chaos around you, you rise from your seat at the bar, unnoticed by your friends who are engrossed in their heated debate over which one of them is better at Call of Duty. 

You grab his wrist and guide him away from the noisy crowd, stumbling slightly with each step, caused by the alcohol coursing through your veins. Among the crowd of couples locked in passionate embraces and party animals lost in the rhythm of the music, you find a quiet corner in the club. Turning to face him, you suddenly become aware of just how close you are standing. It's then that you feel a warm pressure against your waist, and you look down to see his hand there. Wait... his hand is wrapped around your waist? Oh my god…, oh my god…, oh my god….. 

Definitely not freaking out right now.

As the lights flicker in various colours, you feel your cheeks flush, thankful that your embarrassment isn't too obvious in the dim lighting.

"What were you saying?" he chuckles softly.

"Oh, um..." You stumble over your words, feeling your nervousness escalate under his gaze.

"I just asked what you're doing here. Are you stalking me or something?" you tease, quickly averting your eyes as your face grows warmer.

"Stalking you?" He chuckles again, using his free hand to gently lift your chin, guiding your gaze to meet his. Drawing you closer with the hand around your waist, you can't help but feel a jolt of electricity shoot through you.

You feel weak at the knees from his touch, though you're not sure if it's from him or the alcohol. But at this moment, it doesn't matter. The person who saved you, the one you never thought you'd see again, is here, holding you close. You feel like you're losing your mind, too lost in the moment.

Lost in thought, you realize you've been staring at him for a good minute, not uttering a single word.

Leaning in close, he brushes your hair behind your ear and whispers, "Am I making you nervous, angel?" teasingly.

You feel a rush of panic. You know he's teasing you, but it's difficult to gather your thoughts when he's so close. Your heart pounds furiously in your chest. Why can't you keep your composure? Why does he have this effect on you? You've never experienced anything like this before. What is this feeling? Your head is spinning, confirming that it's definitely the alcohol taking control. Or perhaps it's his presence overwhelming you. Maybe it's both.

Before you can process further, a wave of dizziness hits you, and you struggle to maintain your balance. Sharp pain shoots through your head, and you realize you're about to collapse. Thankfully, he's there to hold you, catching you before you fall.

"Hey, hey... Are you okay? How much did you drink?" he asks with concern.

"I don't know... Maybe three shots before you stopped me, but I had something else before that I can't remember," you confess, your words slurring.

"Only three? Wow, you're a lightweight angel," he chuckles, still holding you securely.

"This isn't the time for jokes. I feel sick... I knew I shouldn't have come," you groan, struggling to maintain coherence.

"Well, if you hadn't come, we possibly wouldn't have met again," he teases gently.

You manage a small laugh. "I guess that's the only good thing."

"Seriously, you don't look too well, angel. Do you want me to take you home?" he asks again with genuine concern.

"Yes, please," you hiccup. He wasn’t lying when he said your lightweight.

He leads you outside of the club and to his car, assisting you as you struggle to stay upright. Too drunk to comprehend fully, you let him fasten your seatbelt and close the door gently before he settles into the driver's seat and starts the engine.

"Hey, angel," he says softly.

You muster a tired "Mhm," unable to form proper words as exhaustion takes over.

"You should text your friends to let them know you're going home so they don't worry," he suggests gently.

Oh, right. You had forgotten about that.

Rummaging through your purse, you finally locate your phone and open your group chat with your friends. With clumsy fingers, you type out a message, explaining that you've called an Uber because you're not feeling well and apologize for leaving abruptly.

"Okay, I sent it," you announce once you've messaged your friends.

The rest of the drive home is quiet, the only sound filling the car being the music he's chosen to play. You find yourself nodding along, liking his taste in music. When you arrive at your house, he helps you out of the car and into your home, helping you locate your keys and other essentials. He guides you to the living room and settles you onto the couch. As he starts to step away to give you space, you gently grab his wrist, silently requesting him to stay beside you. Understanding your gesture, he takes a seat nearby, though not close enough for your bodies to touch.

"Hey... I have a question," you begin, turning to face him.

"Mmm," he responds, meeting your gaze.

"Why were you at the club? You don't strike me as the party type, let alone the club," you question.

"My friends dragged me along. Normally, I wouldn't have gone, but they were persistent,” he explains.

“you?”

"My friends dragged me along too. They thought it would be a good distraction," you reply.

"A distraction from..." he starts to ask, but you cut him off abruptly.

"Yeah," you interject, laying down on the couch with your head resting on his thigh. "I don't even need the distraction. I feel much better without him."

He stiffens momentarily at your touch, but then relaxes, moving his hand to gently massage your head in response.

"How did you end up with that piece of shit?" he asks, a hint of anger in his tone.

"He wasn't always like that, but frankly, I don't know why I stayed when he turned into that. Anyway, I don't want to talk about him," you reply, brushing off the topic.

Silence fills the room as you lay there on him, his gentle massaging bringing a sense of peace. Your heart races, but it feels oddly comforting. For once, you feel loved—more so than your ex-boyfriend ever made you feel. It feels good.

As you start to drift off to sleep, he notices and a smile graces his lips. "Hey, want to go to your room so you're more comfortable while you sleep?" he offers, genuine concern evident in his voice.

You nod slowly, and he helps you up, taking your hand and leading you to the stairs. Despite his unfamiliarity with your house, he navigates confidently. However, as you attempt to walk up the stairs, your drunkenness impedes your progress, nearly causing you to trip.

"You need some help?" he chuckles at your failed attempt.

"No... no..! I got this," you mumble, slurring your words.

He observes as you struggle again, unable to take the next step.

"Let me carry you," he suggests, and before you can protest, he effortlessly lifts you over his shoulder.

"Hey!" you yelp.

"Put me down!"

He chuckles at your reaction. "Not until I get you into your room, angel."

He makes his way up the stairs, and he asks, "I know you're feeling tired, but tell me which way your room is, yeah?"

"Second door to the right," you reply tiredly.

He heads in the direction of your bedroom, opening the door to reveal a clean, organized space with a minimalist yet personalized touch. Gently, he sets you down on the bed, his gaze locking with yours. Your hands were wrapped around his neck as he placed you down, causing him to lose his balance slightly and end up falling on top of you. One hand braces himself beside you, while one knee rests on the edge of the bed.

You glance over at his muscular arm beside you, unconsciously biting your lip. The sight prompts a teasing remark from him, a smirk playing on his lips as he catches your gaze.

"Like what you see, angel?" he teases, clearly aware of your admiration for his physique.

Meeting his gaze, you're momentarily lost in his eyes. You forgot how captivating they were. Lost in the moment, you feel a mutual spark, a connection that neither of you can ignore. He glances down to your lips and back up to meet your eyes.

Suddenly, he begins to lean in, and instinctively, you do the same. Your breaths become heavier, anticipation hanging in the air. 

Is he about to kiss you?

But just as the tension reaches its peak, your phone buzzes, shattering the moment.

He leans back, stepping off the bed, and you quickly avert your gaze, feeling the warmth flood your cheeks as he stretches his neck. With a sigh, you hurriedly respond to your buzzing phone, making up an excuse about almost falling asleep and assuring your friends of your safety.

"I should go, you need to rest," he says softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

"No..." you murmur, pleadingly.

"Please stay..." your voice trails off, barely audible.

"I think you're too drunk, angel," he responds, his tone tinged with uncertainty and a hint of amusement.

"Please..." you urge once more. 

He knows deep down that you're not in the right state of mind to make decisions, but he’s also aware that being alone in your current state isn't safe.

"Okay..." he relents, his voice softening as he gazes at you with a mixture of concern and admiration.

"I'll stay..."

TAGLIST

@nikkimvriee , @xbarrjallenx , @atinymonbebestay , @1l-ynn , @chilichopsticks , @dr-fluff-meow

WOAHH WHATS GOING ON???

Writing this got me swaying my feet its so silly 🤭

AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT LOVE U GUYS 🫶

[sincerely-sofie]

Chapter 9 of Sofie Plays "Slay the Princess": The Hero and the Princess (Round 4) + The Prisoner (Part 1)

Listen. I may be stupid. But I'm also dumb.

[ Beginning ] - [ Previous Part ] - [ Next Part ]

EYYYYYYYYYY this is personally relevant in a very darkly humorous way, right down to the wording! Loving the player character and how much I can project experiences with psychosis onto the guy.

Okay hear me out HEAR ME OUT, this is me stretching this quote SO FAR to mean what I want it to mean BUT. As far as we know, the player character is the only person the Princess has ever met. Is this the Ultra Princess commenting on the fact that she doesn't know anyone but the player character? Long Quiet Personification PC confirmed????

PC'S PERCEPTIONS OF THE PRINCESS INFLUENCE WHAT THEY BECOME!!! I WAS RIGHT!!! LET'S GOOOOOOOO

I'VE BEEN ITCHING TO TELL THE ULTRA PRINCESS ABOUT THE NARRATOR. FINALLY.

Oh shoot. Um. We appear to be closer to the ending than I thought...

YOU FRICKIN' FRICK I WANTED TO GO THROUGH THIS WHOLE GAME WITHOUT PICKING UP THE KNIFE EVEN ONCE. DANGNABBIT.

Nope don't like the fact that the music cut out the second I picked up the knife! Don't like that!

Princess I don't think you quite realize that there are more awkward starts to a relationship and I speak from a painful degree of experience.

Asked her how I can get her out of here and the flashbacks are returning TTnTT

VERY deliberately avoiding the bait that is that upper dialogue option.

Why is dismemberment always the answer with these two?

Was this an option last time??? Was this an option the whole time and I missed it because I took ages to realize I could scroll through the options menu??? FRICK.

"I'll make this quick" she says. I don't like the confidence in her tone or the ramifications of how that will affect my perception of her and the way she manifests next time.

Welp. It really was quick this time. At least there's that.

WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD ON. The Princess has been a prisoner this whole time. That's been one of her most defining, fundamental character traits. Is this chapter title implying that she wasn't as much of a prisoner as I thought?

New party member! Mr. The Narrator you should understand the struggles of being a disembodied voice. Improvise, adapt, overcome.

First thought on the Skeptic was that I didn't like him. He is now one of my absolute faves.

MIRROR TIME! MIRROR TIME! MIRROR TIME!

I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY YOU REFLECTIVE MANIAC.

I refused to take the blade and the Skeptic is digging in his heels about it. I don't like the revelation with Skeptic picking up the blade that Voices other than the Narrator are able to control my body.

I don't want to choose violence. I want to choose happy endings and love stories ;w; Guys. Guys please.

... Why is that one manacle empty?

The Hero is sweating bullets and wondering if the Princess is going to behead herself to get out of here and I'm dying laughing despite my nerves.

The Skeptic just called the Narrator pathetic, to which the Narrator basically said "WELL IT'S NOT LIKE I EVER SAID I WASN'T." At least he's self-aware.

PC: Hey, who's that other chain for? Princess: Wouldn't you like to know, feather boy. Narrator: *deep, deep sigh*

Did a lot of beating around the bush talking about who has more reason to distrust the other. Pretty sure the only way out of this is to behead her, and I'm really curious about the empty shackle. Gonna check that out first and then cut her out myself.

Narrator's huffy about me examining the shackle. Buddy it's an inanimate object, and I'm pretty sure you're not very motivated to trap me using it like you always get with locking the door to the basement.

Skeptic just asked "And what? Is it going to lock the second we put our wrist into it?" and I have done a 180. That thing is definitely locking onto us if we put it on. Still gonna put it on because that's what the Contrarian would say to do if he was with us and I miss him.

Either way, even if my bad decisions result in us being chained up, we still have the blade. Beheading is still an option.

Oh goodie, the music cut out! That's a good sign!

NOOOOO IT'S THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY OWN ACTIONS

Dying at how the Princess's expression changes to one of mild disappointment.

Beheading is no longer an option :(

The Skeptic just pointed out that the chain is clearly special, and I'm hearing Kill Bill sirens and remembering that one time the Narrator said I was special during the Beast chapter.

*pops confetti popper* iiiiiit's DISMEMBERMENT TIIIIIME!

(Ran out of images to include in this. See y'all in the next one!)

[sargeant-bxrnes]

long days & rewards.

✦ summary; rafe had a long day at work, so you come up with an idea to make him feel so much better.

✦ warnings: mentions of drugs, rafe struggling slightly w his mental health & self doubt, mentions of ward. | SMUT: oral (male receiving), unprotected sex, floor sex (is that a thing???)

word count: 2.8K

my masterlist! | requests are open!

The front door slammed shut and a heavy sigh followed, you heard attentively while your eyes focused on the stove in front of you— you didn't have to turn your head to see who it was, you knew already by the routine that followed: shoes on the doormat, keys on a glass bowl, jacket on the coat-rack.

Some silent steps followed, and soon you felt a couple of strong arms wrapping around your body, his chest pressing against your back as he softly placed a kiss on your temple. The scent of his cologne mixed with his own personal one relaxed you, allowing yoursef to untense in his arms.

Now that you two had gotten married, Rafe was trying to be a better man, a better lover for you. And taking into account that he's making an effort to be a good husband, it wasn't odd for Rafe act like this, although most of the times it meant that his mood wasn't at its best.

When he's the one to initiate physical, affectionate moments like this one, with soft kisses and caresses... it usually means something happened and his attitude was affected, it's hard to pinpoint if he's sad, stressed, or mad... it's up for you to figure that part out.

He didn't say anything, he just took a deep breath, inhaling the scent from the dinner dish you were currently cooking mixed with the smell of your shampoo and your daily perfume, the one he absolutely loves. One of his arms loosened around you, and Rafe began to fidget with the edge of the clothing you were currently wearing— it was one of his shirts, the edge of it reached the middle of your thigh, so soon enough Rafe was mindlessly tracing shapes on your skin as he observed your hands cooking.

"How was your day, my love?” you finally decided to ask, since he had yet to say a word.

"Long," He sighed, his body tensed as he unwrapped his arms from your body and took a deep breath, you frowned slighly, as you didn't intend to make him feel bad, or to even remind him of it. "Shitty."

"What happened?" you asked softly, taking a glance at him and seeing him standing by the table, pouring himself some wine in advance.

"I'm still adjusting to it all, you know, to being their boss," he began to explain, taking a zip from the wine as if to clear his throat. "And the guys… my employees, don't seem to like the change. They all treat me like-like- I don't know. They look at me and all they see is Ward's son, they treat me like I'm an idiot, like I don't know shit about the business, they don't see me as their boss, you know? No matter how hard I try to be."

"Oh baby," you said with a frown as you kept stirring the pot, though your eyes were on Rafe. "I'm sure you're a great boss and you're doing an incredible job."

"They don't act like it, though. When they look at me, all they see is the Kook Prince, Ward's son, the guy who used to get high on his free time, and that bothers the shit out of me. I'm so much more than that, yeah? My father saw it, saw potential, that's why he made me CEO. So, I- I don't know why the fuck they act like this, like I'm an idiot. It fucking pisses me off."

Rafe had indeed changed. When you met him he was a mess, getting high all the time, having a hard time controling his impulses and his anger, and with severe addiction issues. Although, with time and your help he began to get better, to stabilize himself, but sure, there's times when the old Rafe takes a peek and he acts like a complete asshole, but he's trying to be better, to change. It's a shame people don't appreciate that, it seems like Rafe fucked up way too many times for it to be excused.

"You are not that man anymore, Rafe, and sooner or later they're going to realize that. You've changed for the better," you encouraged your husband, you hated seeing him so down. "You're smart Rafe, you're a natural when it comes to your father's business and I promise it will get better."

"I sure fuckin' hope so, or I'm gonna fire them all.”

You took another glance at him and noticed just how done he looked, his shoulders were tense, his grip on the wine glass was tight, and his whole composture was stiff, and the look on his face... you've seen it plenty of times, and it doesn't mean good news.

He needs some relief, and you know exactly how to give it to him.

You turned off the stove so the food wouldn't overcook while you're busy, and then you walked to where he stood, slipping between the table and him, placing your hands softly on his chest, rubbing up and down.

'I'm proud of you." you said in all honesty.

"Yeah?" he asked with a smirk, though through all the smug attitude, you could see the glimmer in his eye, he’s not used to people being proud of him and verbally expressing it to him, so you’ve come to learn he values your encouraging words.

"Absolutely," you smirk, running your hands across his chest still. "And you know what? I wanna show you just how much I appreciate you."

"Huh," he seemed to catch on pretty fast, as his stare darkened as lust clouded his mind. "I could use some of that."

"I know," you said, taking his hand and walking both of you to the living room. "Let me take care of you."

    Rafe smirked once again and leant down, catching your lips with his immediately. His hands went to your hips as you two kept walking deeper into the room, directly to the couch. Rafe sat down on the sofa, his hands keeping a secure hold on your waist, pulling you to sit on him— but you resisted, parting your lips from his, straightening your body and looking down at him.

    Rafe looked up at you, slightly surprised by this, but the darkened blue of his eyes let you know he wasn't against this sudden change of tactics, if anything, he liked where this was going.

    You took a step closer, standing in between his legs, Rafe began to ran his hands up your naked legs, slowly sliding them under the button down shirt of his that you were wearing, and right when he was about to reach your underwear, you softly slapped his hands away.

    "Princess, don't do this to me..." he groaned, slightly annoyed.

    Giving in a little, you bent down and started unbuttoning his shirt, leaning down to kiss him and begin a trail of kisses, from his lips, to his jaw and down his neck, where you slowed down and started to suck, all without leaving marks.

    Your kisses continued going down, to his chest— that's when you knelt on the floor, your knees making contact with the soft carpet. Now that you were face to face with his torso, you began to kiss, licking your way down, causing a hiss and a groan to escape his lips.

    "Hey, don't tease me." he almost chastised, looking down at you.

    "This? This is barely teasing," you said in a playful tone, your hands now moving to buckle of his belt, unfastening it as your eyes remained in his. "I'm doing nothing."

    "Keep playing around and you'll see what happens, yeah?" His voice, his tone and the look on his eyes alone could've been enough to make you surrender, but where was the fun in that? whenever Rafe got in this particular 'mood', the nights were mindblowing. It was worth the risk.

    You unzipped his pants and he moved his hips up, making it easier for you to pull his pants and his boxers down his legs. His dick was soon free, hard and ready for you to do something. You looked up at him through your lashes. He was looking down at you intently, eyes dark as his tongue slid over his lips– he looked desirable.

    Looking at his eyes still, you licked up his length, all the way from the base to the tip, he let out an almost inhuman groan to that, and it made you instantly squeeze your legs to get some sort of friction.

    To get that sound out of him again, you licked his tip again, to then circle it with your tongue— noticing the clear teasing, Rafe took a fistful of your hair and harsly made you look up at him.

  "Stop teasin' and put your pretty mouth to use, princess. " he said firmly, the words ceasing to be an order, turning into a warning.

    With nothing but a look his way, you took him in your mouth, as deep as he could go, slowly bobbing your head up and down, whenever you got near the tip, you would hollow your cheeks around him.

    "Oh shit, just like that– fuck- just like that," he said, it was more of a groan mixed with a moan, though. You pulled him out of your mouth and licked his length again, keeping eye contact. "Fuck me... that's so fucking hot."

    His praise went straight to your core, you were so wet it was probably starting to drip down your legs, but you didn't care.

    You once again took him in your mouth and pumped whatever didn't fit, and not too long after, his breath became ragged, he wrapped his hand around your hair and started moving your head to whatever rhythm he needed as his moans turned desperate, which meant he was about to cum.

    So you did your thing, sucking one last time as he came in your mouth, letting out a string of curses that sounded almost heavenly in his now raspy voice. It genuinely took Rafe a while to recover from that orgasm, which made you feel incredibly proud of what you'd done to him– even if you felt like screaming because of how turned on you were.

    He looked up at you from the couch, both of his arms stretched out on the edge, his chest moving up and down heavily, his abs contracting with each breath as a few beads of sweat trickled down his skin, his hair was messy, and his eyes were still a dark shade.

If he could have taken a mental picture of this moment, Rafe would have. You looked simply perfect, on your knees in front of him, your makeup ruined, your lipstick smeared, saliva and his cum on the corners of your lips, your eyes big and intent, pupils dilated, lips swollen, hair messy...he loved the way you looked in that moment.

    He leaned in to kiss you, appreciating the way he could taste himself on your lips, his tongue entering your mouth as you straightened, wrapping your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss even more.

          And without expecting it, you tugged on Rafe, pulling his body to yours as you both fell to the floor, your back against the soft carpet of the floor, and his body falling on top of yours.  He let out a chuckle against your lips, as it had been unexpected but not at all annoying.

          You didn't even stop to think, you just got carried away in the moment, you pushed his shirt off his shoulders and tossed it across the room.

          On the other side, he removed his shirt from your body and was dealing with your underwear, however, your husband had enough and ended up tearing the clothing, ripping it off your body.

          "Rafe!" You exclaimed. "My underwear!"

          "It was on my fucking way," He murmured against your skin, kissing repeatedly in various areas, undecided what he wanted. "I'll buy you ten more sets."

          It didn't take long for Rafe to end up buried inside you, moving his hips fiercely against yours, the tip of his cock touching your g-spot with each thrust. Your fingernails scratched at his back, as you repeatedly tried to hold on to him, but the pleasure kept winning you over.

          Rafe's lips moved against yours, it was a sloppy kiss, tongue against tongue, teeth clashing, saliva mingling, but it was desperate and erotic nonetheless.

          Both of your legs wrapped around his hips, finding a new angle, extremely satisfying for both of you. All sorts of things were muttered, from praise to confessions of love, there was also some dirty talk and grunting, it was feral.

          He smirked as your back arched and your breasts pressed against his chest, a layer of sweat being the only thing between the two of you.

A deep, sharp, hard thrust followed, and then another, setting a rhythm that would for sure lead you right to your release at his mercy. His dick dove into you hard, fast and deep, desperate as he tried to push deeper inside you, touching parts of you that only he knew how— he had you at his mercy, doing whatever he needed to unwind after such a long day, and honestly? You loved it.

"So good to me, fuck–" you moaned, eyes rolling at the back of your head as his dick made contact with your g-spot with every thrust. "Rafe- please..."

You were rambling, begging, pleading, praising, asking. What for? He didn't know. Not a single coherent thing left your lips, just words and moans and his name— Rafe felt proud of what he was doing, he was fucking you so damn good you could barely form a sentence. It surely made him feel better after the shitty day he'd had.

He moved his body impossibly closer to yours, entrapping you under him as he placed both arms at the sides of your head, and dove his face down to your neck, kissing messily around it, wet kisses being placed all over your neck as his dick kept fucking you closer and closer to your orgasm.

          You continued like this for who knows how long, Rafe kept a deep, steady, fast rhythm, each of his thrusts bringing you closer to orgasm.

          And then the first clench came, and a second one, your moans began to get high-pitched as your hips attempted to chase his— all of those were telltale signs that you were about to cum. Until you did, you finished around him, clenching your walls around his cock until he finished himself as well, warm white ropes painting your insides.

          Rafe fell exhausted on top of you, his sweaty body on top of yours, heavy breaths as you both tried to recover from the intense session.

          When he regained his strength, he rolled off of you to lie on the carpet next to you, pulling you to him so you could lay your head on his chest, while the sound of heavy breathing was all that could be heard.

          "That was..." you had no words to describe it, but the closest ones were: amazing, mind blowing, sensual, rough, hot, passionate. All rolled into one. "So fucking good."

          "Yeah," Rafe said, understanding what you meant. He felt like he was in heaven, he always felt that way after having sex with you. "Fucking you is always mindblowing. It's just what I needed to unwind, thanks princess.”

"I know that," you said with an amused smile. "And I'll always be here to help you unwind, baby."

          You both laid there, aware that you were naked on the living room carpet, but too comfortable to want to move, the silence was long but comfortable as you two enjoyed eachother's presence. Ever since he became CEO of Cameron Development, Rafe has been extremely busy and you hardly see him in the mornings before he leaves, and at night when he arrives, so you were going to enjoy this moment.

          "Well, I can definitely cross "fucking on the floor' off my list." Rafe commented after a few moments, as his fingertips caressed your back.

          "You have a sex list?" you asked curiously, lifting your head from his chest to look at him, leaning back on your arm.

          "Of course," He scoffed, as if it wasn't obvious, he placed his arm under his head, so he could look at you. "I made it up when we fucked for the first time, because I knew I would never get enough of you."

          "What's at the top of your list?" You questioned him, stroking his chest with your fingertips. "Where is the place you're just... dying to do it?"

          "Hm, you wanna know?" he raised an eyebrow at you, and in response you nodded your head. "Come closer and I'll tell you."

          Despite suspecting he was up to something, you did as he asked and moved closer to his face.

          And just as your lips were about to touch yours. He started whispering over your lips the list of places he wanted to have sex with you, including the positions he imagined you in.

          Admittedly, you were more than interested in making that list come true. Perhaps it would turn into a tradition, a new place every time, and when that list was done, you'd come up with a new one.

[h0ney-san]

OKAY SO RANDOM IDEA THAT HAVE ME THINKING A BIT

✑What if there are two creators?

I mean, not that are two you, i mean two owners of the same acount.

This idea came today, when my besty from school came to my house to play genshin a little ( i have to say im ar 56 and he is ar 41, we both have Aether as the traveler ). The thing is that he said that he accidentaly made a new acount with Aether and wanted to show me... but he is a dumbass and because he have a toons of gmails he just mAKE A NEW ACCOUNT ACCIDENLY-

So, because of that we decide to share the acount ( Because mf i have all of the archon quest finish and i want to feel like a low ar again- ), in this case Lumine was chosen and i name her "Betty" ( Sound silly, but its because i call him Betto, and it comes from a Telenovela call "Yo soy Betty la fea", is just a male version )

We din't make much, just unlock the chest close the spaw point and unloking the first teleport. But know i wonder, imagine the pov of them!

In the morning of the Starsnatch Cliff beach, a Golden hair traveler with no home and little fairy of silver hair where talking, memorys of a lost family member, a unknow God, and a warm welcome that some how save her where told, Paimon promise to be a great guide, and for a second, Lumine feels free... until, a warm enter to her body, and her body began to move by its self, in her brain where questions, Why? How? Who?

Why her body is not obeying her?

How is she moving?

Who is controlling her?

Is she a puppet now? Is the unknow god that separe her from her twin controling her now?

No- no- the warm, is the same that save her-

Then, who-

✑"Me gusta más Aether"

✑"I like more Aether"

✑"No se, para variar, me gusta su vestido, mirala que bonita!"

✑"Idk, for a change, i like her drees, look how cute she is!"

✑"A ver revisa los stats"

✑"Look at the stats"

✑"Ay no tiene nada KHSBAV"

✑"Oh she has nothing HAGSJA-"

Two voices, that are like whispears of the wind come to her hears, have ahe become crazy? Who are they, and what do they mean with that?

From that what she could tell in silence, the voices where from a girl and a boy

✑ 《h0ney》, me tengo que ir a mi casa-

✑《h0ney》, i have to go home-

✑Ya ya, deja agarro el cofre que esta aca al lado, lo vi en un tiktok

✑I know i know, let me take a chest close of here, i saw it on tiktok

Her body move on its own, taking her to the water and making swim slowly and carefully, reaching a chest, first thing of, how did she know about that? And second, why is a chest there-

✑《h0ney》 ya me tengo que ir a mi casa o mi mamá me va a regañAr-

✑《h0ney》 i have to go home now or my mom is going to scold mE-

✑PERATE WEY DEJA ALMENOS LA LLEVO A LA ORILLA Y AL TELEPORT-

✑WAIT BRO LET ME JUST TAKE HER TO THE SHORE AND THE TELEPORT-

✑《H0NEY》 DAME MI CELULAR-

✑《HONEY》 GIVE ME MY PHONE-

✑IM HURRING 《BETTO》-

✑YA VOY 《BETTO》-

Her hears could hear struggle of the voices, but they where even sure to not hurt her in the little figth. Taking her slowly to the shore trying to left her stamina left, they act like kids...

✑"YA VOY YA VOY, SOLO DEJA LLEGO AL TELEPORT HAVSJAHHSA- AY UN SLIME-"

✑"IM ON IT IM ON IT, JUST LET ME GO AND TAKE THE TELEPORT AJWVJAVSHA- AH A SLIME-"

Her bodie pull out a sword, and with a energy that was not her previous powers, just a phisical figth, but after felling weak before, this was a good change..

✑"DAMELOOOO-"

✑"GIVE IT MEEE-"

✑"YA VOY YA VOY AKSHKQVSH- YA- YA LO DESBLOQUEE- Más te vale darme la contraseña más tarde o voy a ir a tu casa con un palo"

✑"IM ON IT IM ON IT AKSHQJHW- THERE- I UNLOCK THE TELEPORT- You better give me the password later or i will go to your house with a stick"

✑"Ta bien, te lo paso por Whatsapp pero no me mates"

✑"Alrigth, im going to seend it thro Whatsapp but plis don't kill me-"

The warm disapear for a moment, and the voices now where gone, they where like whispears from the wind, and know she is left clueless, they act like she and Aether act, not exacly like twins, but friends...

Oh, what will she face now that 2 unknow Gods control her, even worse, they act like kids or just teenegers...

See ya!

⸻ h0ney 🍯🐝.

[here2bbtstrash]

bts doing no nut november - explicit

been a minute since we did a headcanons post huh!!!! and this felt ~seasonally appropriate~ 🤭 i actually discussed this a million years ago w my hyungline chat and the lovely @goodsoop - thanks for always feeding my insane bts brainrot, love y'all 😩 (and i'm really just considering this as no fap/not discussing or thinking abt partnered sex here, just fyi~)

knj: loses on day 1. this virgo has his masturbation routine down, so engrained as a part of his daily life, that on november first he doesn't even realize what day it is. he just busts a fat nut to one of his very favorite porn videos (downloaded to his computer ofc) without thinking twice about it, and it's only as he's cleaning up the mess that he's like.... fuuuuuuck.... i knew i was forgetting something 🤦‍♂️

ksj: doesn't do it out of protest OR reluctantly agrees but then quits on day 1. y'all simply are not gonna tell this man what to do! he comes when he wants to come dammit! his dongsaengs might be able to convince him to "say" he'll do it, but the minute he actually wants to jerk off, the competition is over lmao. there's not even any good reason why he should hold it in - besides, isn't that bad for you??? unhealthy??? this game is stupid and he doesn't wanna play 😤

myg: has no trouble not coming for 30 days, could probably win on accident. i feel the agust d hoes coming to fight me about this one but i'm sorry 🤷‍♀️ imo yoongs is a low libido guy!!! and you can't change my mind!!!!! make your own post lol! imo he'd rather save it for when he's with a partner, and besides, he's obviously too busy working or sleeping or watching cat videos. plus it's just so much effort and he hates having to deal with the mess after. he's fine with it, homie probably ends up in no-nut january without even really meaning to 🥱

jhs: wins, but it's a struggle. we all know he's got that serious business 'dance teacher hobi' scary amount of self control.... but eventually his ~urges~ do get pretty strong and hard (lol) to ignore. i can see hoseok being one to try and keep himself busy to keep the horny thoughts away 🤣 his big-ass closet is getting reorganized, new choreo is getting learned for no reason, and if you see him spam a ton of selfies on instagram, it's cause he's trying to distract himself 🤪

pjm: tries and absolutely loses. mini is sooooo physical and touchy i just don't see this one working out for him. in the beginning of the month i think he feels like it's pretty easy and he wants to do good and get praised by the other members, but midway through november he gets pretty desperate. he tells himself it's not really masturbating if he just humps against the bed and doesn't finish, but then one thing leads to another and it just.... feels too good to stop 🫠

kth: does it wrong and wins. we all know taehyung lives on his own mf planet so i absolutely believe this man is gonna EDGE himself for 30 days in a row. literally bring himself right to the brink of orgasm, then hop in a cold-ass shower and carry on with his life. it's fun for him 🤭 and when the members tell him he's doing it wrong, he says he's doing the advanced version 😏 and i just.... god bless whoever is on the receiving end of that load on december first lmfaoooooo 💦

jjk: OF COURSE HE FUCKING WINS. jk is the one who makes everyone participate, no fucking question, and he is in it to WIN IT bc of course he is. i know he's a jerkoff pro tho so he has to suddenly deal with having.... EVEN MORE excess energy than usual 🤣 we're talking multiple workout sessions a day, every day, just to burn it all off (namjoon goes with him even tho he's already lost 🥲). maybe even a tattoo session to help get his mind off things idk 👀 and when it's finally december first he's jerking off til his dick is RAW lmfao 💀

what do you think? any you agree/disagree with? 👀 lemme know~

[sunny-haven]

My experiences with being hypnotized and why I'm trying out self hypnosis

Ever since getting into hypnosis, I've always wanted to be hypnotized but throughout the years that I've been into it, I can count on one hand the amount of files that have actually put me under. Even doing live sessions with other hypnotists didn't really do that much for me, though they were always beginner hypnotists and/or ones I had taught myself. Because of this, I had believed that for me to go under, I would need an experienced hypnotist that I know and trust well, and even then, it would likely take several sessions to go anywhere due to my ADHD (which made it extremely hard for me to focus during a hypnosis session). And because for the longest time, I didn't really know any hypnotists I knew and trusted well and who I wanted to hypnotize me, that belief was left unchanged for years.

The deepest anyone had put me under was my headmate Rayx, we had to do it via text. The constant switching and doing it over text prevented me from going that deep but it was more effective than anything I had ever experienced, although those two or three sessions were so long ago that my memory is fuzzy other than he got to make me chant a mantra, haha. Nowadays though, I'm not interested in Rayx putting me under and I don't think he's interested either.

In 2019, when I was still living with my family and we all stayed in one room, I finally attempted self hypnosis, and the easiest method I found was creating a hypnosis file specifically for myself. I had to be very quiet and had to wait to have the room for myself. It was mostly focused on general relaxation, more aimless than usual when I'm hypnotizing someone. Then, when I was able to have a moment to relax by myself, I laid in bed and listened to the file. None of the suggestions stuck, but it was the most relaxed I had ever been in my entire life.

I then recorded another file, one focused on helping me overcome my anxiety from phone calls (one that I still have to this day, and is currently making me procrastinate from making an important call). For whatever reason though, I avoided listening to this one, despite Rayx's insistence, and stopped making self hypnosis files for myself. I still wanted to be hypnotized and would sometimes complain about how I wished I was easier to hypnotize and that I wished that I knew someone who was experienced with hypnosis, and Rayx would always tell me that I could still go back to doing self hypnosis files since the first one worked so well, especially because I lived on my own and making them would be way easier. And for whatever reason, I wouldn't, and wouldn't have an answer for him.

Fast forward to about five years later, and being in @/nocturnowlette's community has surrounded me with several experienced hypnotists (as well as Owlette herself). It took me a long while to get around to trying out one of Owlette's files, mostly because they were either about things I wasn't interested in or I just felt like wouldn't work as someone who was inexperienced with being hypnotized. And I hadn't had the courage to ask someone to try to put me under, especially because those who I was interested in I had already hypnotized several times and I felt like some part of my brain would have a hard time submitting to them as a result (which has happened before). But then Owlette one day released a file that was supposed to be for those who struggled going under and was supposed to make it easier for them, which peaked my interest. Eventually, I decided to make myself comfortable and give the file a listen. I'll go over what happened in a moment.

Since joining Owlette's community, a deep-rooted fear of mine had been cracked wide open, one I had never even realized was there and something I still struggle to put into words. I had discovered that I had a fear of loss of control. And what "loss" and "control" mean are very nebulous in my head, but essentially when it comes to hypnosis, I want to feel like the one in control. Oftentimes that means being the hypnotist and the dom, but in other scenarios (like with one couple I'm friends with), it could mean that two people have a hypnosis relationship, but they still happily submit to me and I can mess with them easily. Maybe someone is hypnotizing a group of others, but I'm still hypnotizing the tist as well as everyone else if I want to. And this want applies to both in and out of sessions. So if I would see two people who I had hypnotized before enjoying a hypnosis session without anything to do with me, I would feel like I'm "losing control". If I was listening to someone do a public session and I have no part in it and am just a spectator, I feel like I'm "losing control". And a myriad of other things I've found can trigger this, ranging from making me mildly uncomfortable to severely, even making me break down into tears at times, even though consciously I'm trying to be happy for my friends.

I really fucking hate it. I'm currently attempting to work on this, but this was and is a thing I'm dealing with. One philosophy I used to have was simple exposure therapy, telling others to just carry on and do what they're gonna do so I can expose myself more to situations where I "lose control" so my brain can understand it's okay. Whether or not it's helping, I'm not entirely sure. But since discovering this and looking for ways to help, I had gotten the idea that hypnotizing myself and showing my subconscious mind that it was okay would probably help a lot, especially in a community who had been very focused on safety and pretalk. I decided that Owlette would probably be good, since they're a very skilled hypnotist and we already had a good hypnosis relationship in the past, and she had already mentioned several times before she was interested in putting me under. Before actually talking with her about it though, I figured I'd listen to one of her files to see what it'd be like, which was perfect when she dropped her more beginner-friendly file.

So with all that in mind, I listened to the file and it was... well... I won't go into detail, as it is not an experience I want to think about for long, but it ended up being the worst experience I've ever had with a file. And I don't mean it simply didn't work, I mean that it was genuinely painful. This isn't at all a slant to Owlette, the actual contents of the file were good and it wasn't that different from any other competent beginner-friendly hypnosis file. This instead was like a massive slap in the face that something was deeply wrong with me and that I needed to work on myself. I dunno why I even listened for long, it felt like I was actively pushing away suggestions at one point. Something in my mind just told me I needed to "see it through" or some bullshit, I don't know why. I have to wonder if my reaction ended up being comparable to a PTSD reaction or something (I am NOT saying I have PTSD btw, I'm just wondering).

Normally when I listen to a hypnosis file in the past (and I actually attempted to listen and be hypnotized), it was always by someone I never knew. That combined with the fact that I know hypnosis files for a general audience - as opposed to one made for a specific person - tend to not work unless the subject listening was particularly suggestible. So from the outset, my mind was already geared towards the file not working on me, no matter how much I tried to keep an open mind. At the same time, my ADHD would go into overdrive. Normally I don't have an easy time focusing on things (and god, I would love to try being medicated but that's unrelated) but it's never that bad, and if I'm particularly invested in something, I can more easily focus or even hyperfocus. But almost as a mental defense to prevent me from being hypnotized, my brain's hyperactivity would flare up a ton and would constantly jump from topic to topic, way more often than it normally does, and it made it virtually impossible to focus on the file for long.

For those who I did trust and let them attempt to hypnotize me, my mind took a different stance. They were inexperienced and sometimes there was even a bit of a language barrier, so my hyperactive mind would focus on tiny details they likely didn't notice and would start constantly mentally critique their methods, what words they said, or even if something was grammatically correct or not.

For this file though, I trust Owlette a lot, and more importantly, they are quite skilled and experienced, and though they've been a hypnotist for less time than me, they are definitely one of the better ones I've seen and are a very experienced subject. That, combined with my newfound knowledge of this fear that had been running in the background for years and years... I suppose it made me feel exposed in a way I never felt before when I listened to the file. The mental defenses were still there, on even more of an overdrive than ever before, but being aware of it all and knowing that Owlette was someone who's experienced and someone who I trust seemingly clashed with whatever the hell is going on deep in my mind.

All this to say, I've given up on attempting to be hypnotized by someone else, at least not until whatever is wrong with me has been solved. Exposure therapy definitely did not help in that instance. But, my mind went back to those self hypnosis files I made before and just how effective they were for me when nothing else really seemed to be. I couldn't really be afraid of losing control if I was the one putting myself under. So earlier this month, I made a self hypnosis file, based on relaxation like before but also trying to slowly get rid of that fear of loss of control. It was a bit aimless like the other self hypnosis files, but that was okay, and editing in sounds of rain while indoors next to a fireplace also helped a bunch. I certainly don't think it can be hypnotized out of me, but I'm hoping that if I keep at it, that fear will fade over time.

And as for that file itself... It again was one of the most comfortable experiences of my life. I honestly don't remember a comfier one, to be honest. And it's hard for me to judge because I'm not at all used to judging to how I respond to hypnosis, but I think I ended up going pretty deep. I nodded along to what I was saying without really thinking. I would imagine myself as my fursona a lot of the time (which is what happened during Owlette's file, though in that instance, it was not at all fun), and it felt like I was drifting off to sleep. In fact, towards the later half of the file, I don't remember any of it - it felt like I had just drifted off to sleep. I didn't even wake up during the awakener, though as soon as the file ended, I started to wake up, then was jolted awake at the realization I didn't even wake up when my voice was counting me up from trance. Like wow. Is that what it's like being hypnotized for you all??? Gosh.

Earlier today, as an attempt to calm myself before making an important call, I decided to listen to the file again. And I pretty much had the exact same experience. The only difference was that my consciousness started becoming aware as the file was waking me up, though I chose to stay in trance until the file ended, then I woke up quickly and easily the moment it ended. And then for whatever reason, I decided to listen to the file a third time while I was still in bed, and though it wasn't as effective, I still had that moment of going deep enough it felt like sleep (and thus I don't know what happened). I woke up from trance as I was saying the number 5, as I thought I was done counting then, lmao.

Needless to say, I'm definitely making more hypnosis files, though I'm unsure of what I should do next. I feel like I should make a file to help with my nervousness for phone calls, though I'm afraid I will not listen to it like I did in 2019. But I'm unsure what else I would do right now, especially since a file like that would definitely be helpful as there's an important call I need to do soon. So I might just make that particular file.

My end goal is to make me see myself as my fursona, as I have done with some people, as that has been my dream with hypnosis for years and years. I have hope now, I realize I'm a more suggestible subject than I thought. I also hope I'll be able to overcome this fear someday, because it's really getting in the way of me being able to be happy for my friends.

[velvette3]

(3/29/24)

Why do I feel sad for no reason sometimes? It’s like a sick fuckin joke I swear. Today was such a great and productive day too! My boyfriend is as loving as ever, and he even bought me something! My OC got drawn by someone else so wonderfully and I couldn’t even do her justice w/ her of design! That art is just amazing and beautiful, and it makes me happy!

But yet I feel so sad, like I’m missing something. Maybe it’s just the lingering of my great grandma passing a few months back, but I don’t think so.

My birthday is coming up, I’m excited. I really am, I know for sure at least one thing that is on its way! First time in a few years that I’m excited for my birthday, honestly.

But I just feel sad. Idk, kinda worthless? I love helping people but damnit just seeing those around me struggling, and me not knowing how to help. It’s killing me I think. I’m just glad these are staying in drafts (unless I decide in a half asleep haze to actually post this fuck shit)

I just wanna help people so bad but I’m not able to yet. It’s killing me. I want to help people, I do and helping people makes me so, so happy! It’s what kept me going for a long time. But for that majority of this year, I haven’t been able to help people, and time has gone by too quick. Way too quick. It’s killing me, knowing how fast time is going and how little time I have left in a relaxing life. How little time I may have with people I love. My grandmother on my father’s side isn’t even 20 years younger than the great grandma I lost this year. I’m so scared to lose my Grandma J. I don’t know what I’ll do, and it’s going to be hard once she’s gone, especially when I visit my father.

It’s even worse when there is so much I can’t say to her, and how often I hear her say horrifying things.

I can’t tell her I’m Ace Pan-romantic because she’s Christian, and she talks about death and heaven so casually. I don’t know what’s gonna happen and I’m so, so scared.

So much is just there, and I’m losing so much time. I can’t help people like I want to because I don’t have the time, I can’t spend time with those I love because of how much shit I have to do with my schooling and freaking out about my future (even though it’s already here almost).

Another year I’ve wasted almost, and it’s just moving too quick.

The few things I’m grateful for in this though, are a few people, and my own stubbornness. My boyfriend, god I love him so much. I haven’t said it to him yet, no with the language we speak (English) and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m scared. But I do love him so much. My older brother, E. He’s been there since day one and is so supportive of me. May he be happy in his relationship as it is for him! I love those two shithead so much, and I can’t wait to see my brother again soon, and my boyfriend Just tomorrow maybe!

And my own stubbornness. It’s been almost (at midnight it will be) 191 days since I intentionally self harmed

^ that was the math for months. I am halfway to my head long goal of no self harm, and that has kept me going as well. My stubborn self, whenever I think of self harming, practically on the verge of just doing it, I say I can’t. I’ll be crying and weeping, wishing for pain, but I still can’t bring myself to do it because I promised myself I’d go a year AT LEAST. It’s kept me from giving in, thank god.

But I don’t know, with all of this, even with those few people, if I can do it. I came so close, so so close to giving into the thoughts and shit recently. I’m starting to scare myself. I don’t know what I’m doing, and it’s killing me. Ever since my third grade years, I was horrible when it came to control. That’s when my self harm started, in third fucking grade because I thought I could’ve preventing certain things from happening, had I tried harder. Ever since then I’ve been so hard on myself but FUCK I need to, I deserve it because I’ve let people down so many times, I’ve disappointed so many people so much.

But I dunno. I dunno why I’m so sad when today was so good for me (3/29/24)

I dunno anymore, I just want to help people so bad, I want time to slow down. I want to feel whole. Helping people helps me, and my mentality, so much. But I don’t have the time to help others anymore and it’s so hard to find people to help when everyone has such outta wack time zones.

(3/30/24)

Time is passing too quick and it’s terrifying. On top of that, I’m so scared that if I mess up in my schooling (online schooling anyways) that my parents will call me outta the blue and yell and shit. I remember very vividly back in middle school how I got like, 2-4 states mixed up on my US states quiz that I cried. I cried so hard, fearing that my mother would be angry over a topic I should know well since this is the very country we live in. Thankfully, she wasn’t.

As of now, the grades I’m getting are decent. All A’s, all year round. But I’m struggling in my Spanish. Sure, they may have been more positive about my grades here recently because of the fact that I’m towards the top of my class, but that’s not the point.

Then being happy about it sometimes makes it worse. I fear if I slip even the slightest, their expectations, if I fail them, they’ll be angry again.

I’m so scared to impress them, that I’m making it harder for me because I do so well. I know I do decently, but because of the fact that I rarely mess up, the times that I do, are impactful.

It’s awful, really. I should be happy about my success but it’s just giving me hella anxiety.

I guess this is just a journal now? Meh, it might as well be. Drafts stay drafts, after all.

(Yeah I think this is draft #16?)

[sincerelyandyourstruly]

shame, devotion, and venxiao

it is not a sin to want.

yet somehow, there is such shame to it.

maybe it's just me, but "desire" is such a loaded word. i think that's why i find it so difficult to deal with. to want something so earnestly, from so deep within one's heart… how is that not simply THE most mortifying thing on the planet?

it's kind of funny. xiaoven— though most particularly xiao— must come to terms with their selfish desires that are not going to go away n be vulnerable w/each other abt their ugliest selves in order to be accepted n truly loved, at which point shame loses its incredible power over them, and they can be together forever in love for realsies.

because it's easy to imagine a xiao, who, out of love and devotion towards venti, his savior and the god of freedom, might feel like he can only express the sheer depth of his emotions by tugging down the stiff collar of his shirt to bare his own neck for execution.

(that is how one feels towards a god, is it not? this sort of vulnerability, a willingness to die for them, born from a desire to be good.)

and i use the imagery of undressing and invoke the sense of waiting for someone else's actions upon you intentionally here. it ties xiao's sense of intimacy up with power over his life, and as a being who struggles to separate his very sense of self from violence itself, i think it would make sense that death and intimacy are linked to him.

i think a big reason why he's so reluctant to give up his duty to someday die quelling demons for the peace and prosperity of liyue is because he's afraid that wanting something, anything might break the centuries of rigid discipline that's kept him alive after all this time. to love something, to want something, is to then die for it.

and like. i think it's pretty obvious that venti would not want to hold that power over xiao, if xiao tried to express his love by essentially giving over his entire life into venti's hands. it's so lacking in boundaries on xiao's end that even if that's what xiao himself wants, it would ultimately be the most horrifying (yet still earnest!!!) show of devotion to venti.

and so. it's probably fairly obvious from all this that this push-n-pull of desires is part of what makes xiao n venti's relationship so compelling to me personally. they're arguing abt things that are so deeply a part of them: xiao's self-destructive obedience vs. venti's bleeding heart and ideal of freedom. it's kind of... dare i say... yaoi.

obviously, in the context of fandom, there is a difference btwn xiaoven and venxiao. like, technically it's about top and bottom discourse, but outside of nsfw contexts, it's more about power dynamics, about who follows and who leads in a relationship.

i tend not to care too much, since i get weirded out if it feels too… overt? controlling? one-sided? n it starts feeling like the characters are just becoming bastardized "Any Two Guys."

but, like, as may be obvious by the common ship name being xiaoven, fandoms typically have a preference. it makes sense— xiao is v physically strong, n he has this very curt, no-nonsense, straightforward way of doing things, while venti is usually mistaken for a girl by people new to genshin. in concept, it could be fun to see xiao lead a more uncertain venti around n be the more decisive, aggressive pursuer of the relationship.

HOWEVER. relationships are based in feelings n are therefore much more human things. that is definitely not smth xiao is familiar with or experienced in at all. that is venti's area of expertise.

n xiao is a character i like to characterize by his devotion n his obedience. he's not the type to come up w/a procedure for acting in situations where he is totally unfamiliar w/what's happening bc his procedure will probably be aggressive "hit it 'till it dies." in situations involving others, he can't do that, so he's left pretty helpless in situations all about ~feelings~ and stuff.

now, venti is the more human one, in the sense that he has a much greater understanding of how we chase our whims on the breeze. he knows how to navigate these kinds of emotional, dare i say intimate, situations— which is why xiao would look to him for guidance in navigating these things. he wants to be told what to do bc he is a weapon, a violent tool w/no agency of his own (or at least as he likes to think).

xiao's repression is very internalized. he knows he is someday doomed, so why bother letting himself want anything. (why dare to hope when he doesn't believe himself worthy of venti's love in return?)

despite the horrifying levels of devotion i believe xiao to be capable of, i also firmly believe that he can later learn to rein in the self-destructive aspects of it w/o diminishing the value of those feelings. there's something oh-so lovely about self-love taught through loving others and others loving you, about watching something self-destructive and dangerous fall victim in love to something that can withstand its horrors and love it anyway, love it enough to make destroying itself no longer feel worth it.

after all, one of the most romantic answers one could give to the old, "i would die for you" absolutely has to be, "we are going to make it out of this together."

and in my opinion, that's pretty venxiao.

[kindred-spirit-93]

*succinct & eloquent opening line. maybe a clever joke or quote* :D

do you ever sit there and contemplate your life choices after like a certain experience or a talk with a loved one?

do you ever come across a quote or a piece that seems like it was written for you in this particular moment in time? an anecdote that mirrors your current situation perhaps?

well im currently going through it & after a double whammy of mama lore TM during some resurfacing anxious & assorted crises, i dont even know what im going through anymore. but we shared a really sweet heart to heart and reminisced over good and less good times aw!

i am reminded that there is still much to life, light to be sought and found, good times yet to be had. its bittersweet. its mature. its scary? its like coming to terms with your mortality but on a smaller scale. or bigger whos to say...

i wont be venting anything, i think for now at least im content to vague post lmao. also my dad bought me some stress eating treats so i might need to go wallow in my feels for a bit

after i jinxed myself by saying im going on hiatus but failing to stay off the website lol (i had moot withdrawl symptoms sue me), i wont be repeating the same mistake, but with context clues i trust u can see where im going with this

it might sound presumptious to state so confidently that this next month of my life will be the hardest in my career, especially since im not even half way there yet, but the truth of the matter is that it is.

ive been struggling for well over a year now (mostly academically) and im both succeeding in places i didnt before (alhamdulillah!) but failing in the exact same places elsewhere. guys i may have anxiety lol

self fulfilling prophecies, nocebo effect, whatever it is & regardless of what you want to call it, its rough. its hard. im tired. theres still so much left and im tired. i shouldnt be this tired. or this empty. or careless. what have i let myself become? why am i punishing myself still?

this coming month will dictate the rest of my future and ill have no one to blame but myself if i let the opportunity slip through my fingers. but if all goes well inshallah i can put this all behind me and start anew so theres that silver lining :D

i kinda lost direction of this post about half an hour ago lol. my point is im going to try harder at balancing several life aspects bc i really cant put it off any more. i need to establish balance because ive been out of the loop for too long now. *shudders in python*

anyways there are plenty of things i have to work on, both in my studies and life, so i have that going for me *party kazoo noises*

id love to grace you all with some wise words or a life lesson or something but i dont have a neat one liner to sum up anything. despite that im writing this because sometimes letting thoughts float in my head isnt enough, i need to articulate and write it out because to let them roam in the vast expanses of my mind under the pretense that i achieved something is frankly silly as it is counterproductive.

a n y w a y , to anyone and everyone reading take care of yourselves and your loved ones. i wish everyone the best in life and in their endeavours. i will probably pop back in every now and again to catch up on messages and make sure everyone is alive and nothing burned down. i will however attempt to exert self control. (key word: attempt)

aight imma head out before i get too emotional or combust with the need to say something stupid like i love you be more unserious XD

[stuckinapril]

hi! a post u reblogged keeps coming back to me, (the one that starts: "there really are some people who never take accountability for their actions ... and you cant change that.") and idk i just wonder how you can tell if that's actually the case or if the other person really -does- deserve to devalue you/some part of you (not speaking of you directly here, lol) and pushing back against them makes -you- the manipulative one....

i keep feeling like saying "i am __ (insert whtv, like being trans, or changing how i look) and you can't change that" is something i shouldnt do out of respect/not copying others but idk! u seem way wiser than me people wise, so that's why i ask lol

feel free to ignore this sorry, i usually hate rambling in people's inboxes and won't in the future, but my brain feels like it's on fire a little lol

Hey babe 💕 I understand where you’re coming from. I’m interpreting your words very loosely here, in the sense that by “devaluing a part of you” you just mean someone does deserve to call you out for shitty behavior. Obviously no one actually deserves to devalue you, which is an entirely different concept from calling you out. I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, but it’s a distinction I felt is necessary anyway bc some wording in this post is giving me people pleaser haha—and I was totally there at several points, so I get the resistance to embracing this idea.

The answer to your question comes down to self-awareness. I’ve been a self-aware person my whole life—and a people-pleasing one at that. I’ve never really had a problem copping to my mistakes; in fact, I did that so excessively that I would even find myself being “the bigger person” in situations I had no business being the bigger person in. I’d literally be walking all over my own self and dignity just to appease somebody else. I guess I’m just a person who started from 0 and had to go up in terms of self-confidence lmao, so my root problem was that I had to stop myself from going “this person deserves to put me down/paint me as the bad person” in situations where I was not the bad person. Obviously if you’re someone who’s starting from 100% and has to go down to 50% to meet someone in the middle, you have the opposite issue to mine. You have too much pride to apologize, you really struggle to hold yourself accountable, you will cut people off rather than just hash things out. I was never that person.

You kind of need to be extremely honest w yourself to discern which one you are, bc I’ve seen people who suffer too much ego and yet hide themselves behind these saccharine affirmations (“I’m just not for everyone” “I’m misunderstood” “I’m just I’m just I’m just”) but it’s a bandaid on the actual problem, which is a problem within themselves they need to address. They can’t admit that they have an “ugly” flaw, so they cope by self-victimizing instead. Self-victimization can also be a form of sanitization (“I wasn’t cruel to this person; they’re just too sensitive and they don’t get my sense of humor”), which is yet another way of making something you did more “socially digestible” as opposed to coming to terms w it for what it is: genuinely shitty behavior. Luckily I don’t think I’ve ever had that flaw. Like I have an ego just like every other human being, but I’d say it takes me way less than other people to get over it and own up.

I don’t wanna paint myself as a saint btw bc my people pleasing isn’t all rooted in selflessness. Obviously it has its own selfish aspects. It can stem from insecurity, it can stem from an inferiority complex, it can stem from wanting desperately to belong, and it can even stem wanting control. For instance, believing you’re the problem in every situation gives you a false sense of control over it (“if I could just fix my behavior, this problem would be fixed too; if the other person is the problem, then I can’t fix this problem, bc it’s harder to control this person than it is to control myself. Therefore it’s easier for me to be the problem so this can be resolved faster”). I’ve had to face the uglier sides of me head on, but it’s okay!! It’s literally okay. It’s okay to quietly work through this stuff. It’s okay not to be born perfect. I know we’re living in an age of extreme sanitization rn, but I assure you it’s okay to learn to live no matter what anyone says. I dislike it when people make it seem like these visceral issues of theirs are all just a byproduct of positive aspects (“I’m just too selfless” “im just too kind!”), bc while that can be partially true, it’s usually not the entire story. And that’s okay. It becomes a problem when you don’t actively work to change for the better.

As for your second paragraph, I’m not sure what the point is? If someone is trans and someone else isn’t respecting that, they’re well within their right to assert it. This is a pretty different scenario from the one I was mentioning in that post. Hope this helps elucidate things a little bit x

[velvet-vox]

INDOCTRINATION F####NG SUCKS

AND WHY IT HARMS ART TOO.

The title is self-explanatory yet it cannot overstate the massive damage and impact that culture, society, and any other type of long term influence has on the human mindset and its artistic output.

You may be thinking, what is this post talking about? Well let me explain.

You see, the thing about me is that I tend to enjoy more complex stories with complicated characters and dynamics, but not in just the political, real world type of way like Arcane politics, I am towards the type of stories that allow for good characters to remain good and for the status quo to change in a substantial way; for antagonists to be complicated while not having them all be morally grey but showing that even the more seemingly black and white ones are not just pure evil atrocities and are still worthy of a shot at redemption; to not have said redemption be served on a silver platter but not just permanently locking people out of society just because they required said society to invest too much time and effort in helping them become the best version of themselves, because unfortunately, despite the opposite being also true, we are not born equally and some people are going to struggle more than others due to things outside of their control like their personality type and lack of mental fortification.

I want balance in storytelling! Not just gore or wholesome, not just morally grey or black and white, not just big spectacles and pause moments, but all of those combined in ways that force me to reflect on the media I consume and the way I consume it, to dig further in the limits of artistic expression and the classification of art as a whole.....

And indoctrination just ruins all of that, period.

We all, from a young age, are conditioned to uphold certain standards and to not challenge said standards in fear of being cast out by the people around us and the world we live in.

Art, as a medium, should be used to counteract the rigid lines of thinking that we're asked to uphold, but unfortunately, even if just subconsciously, the harmful, more strict lessons that we learn growing up still make their way into our works because of the mass consumption of simplicity we endured in our childhood.

From a very young age we are taught simple, clear cut definitions of right and wrong, and then we are subsequently told to simplify all of our real world problems into easily computable boxes so that we can be more efficient at our job, from moral decision making down to choosing what to eat for dinner; the adults tell us that it's ok to ask questions when in reality we're often punished or ignored for asking them and we all grow to internalise a passive acceptance of the status quo because that's what the status quo taught us to do in the first place.

I wanted to write this post because I was getting angry at myself for screwing up my own ideas due to my pathological need to divide right and wrong into easily checkable boxes and thus creating issues of the "these two ideas cannot interact or mix with each other anymore because of the way I segregated them" kind. I am always afraid of punishing my villains too much and not punishing my heroes enough and it's very hard for me to find that balanced middle ground that all works of art should strive to achieve; and then I realised: the problem has less to do with me and more on the unfortunate mindset that I internalised in my youth that keeps popping back up slowing down my output for thought provoking stories.

Admittedly, this is a larger issue that (contrary to what our collective nurture has drilled into our heads) cannot be easily resolved and probably requires a vocal discussion of some kind since typing can be extremely tiring and doesn't have the same engagement value of a dialogue, I'm very sorry if you found this post amateurish or you think I haven't conveyed my ideas well enough, I hope someone with a cleaner picture can show me what I got wrong and would like to share their opinions with me.

[aspd-culture]

is guilt-based anxiety (example: scared of being a burden), depression (example: feeling guilty for being alive, for being a burden and all that low self-esteem nonsense) and guilt/moral-based ocd (example: feeling like youre an abuser or committed a heinous crime that you didnt commit, like S/A-OCD or P-OCD), or themes of guilt in schz (example: delusions where you think youre guilty of having done something you havent, like murder for instance, or hallucinations of voices who encourage the themes stated in the example i gave for depression) or ptsd/trauma (example: for experiencing trauma) etc. possible in aspd? and/or how would these things present in someone with aspd (as opposed to someone without aspd? people w/o ASPD (generally) feel a lot of (genuine) guilt and remorse and i experience... walmart-brand guilt. i feel anxious and "guilty" but only because of 1. whatever remnants of christian doctrination is in my brain 2. my phobias 3. my need for control, or 4. a byproduct of my mental illnesses. (probably a learned thought process for me - its not really natural for me, not really out of care for others (unless you count ocd), and the thought pattern is what ive been told throughout my life/otherwise originated from others)

All of that is very possible and actually very relevant to my experience as a pwASPD, as well as OCD, PTSD, and religious trauma. Hopefully that means I can give you a relatively in-depth explanation of what this feels like for me firsthand.

So all of these types of Great Value guilt are moreso examples of shame. Religious trauma causes shame, guilt OCD is generally a misnomer for shame, and shame is a *major* symptom of clinical depression and of PTSD. Shame is a more personal take on guilt, in that it affects your opinion of who you are as a person, and it can (and often does) exist outside of actually having done something wrong both in prosocials and pwASPD. Guilt is an instinct when you have done something wrong to admit it and work to change the behavior in the future and make up for the harm it caused or had the potential to cause. Shame doesn’t care if you’ve actually wronged anyone nor does it care if you change the behavior in the future - and it doesn’t believe you can *ever* make up for it. Shame says you are a terrible horrible no-good very bad person because of *insert reason* and for that you must work your ass off to try to be redeemed while knowing you are never ever going to be. Shame is irrational while guilt is (considered by prosocials to be) rational.

In pwASPD, shame tends to be polarizing. I have talked to pwASPD who felt shame *much* more intensely because they had no experience with guilt to temper it, so the feeling was entirely foreign (this is how I experience it, although I’ve done some work to unlearn that), and I’ve met other pwASPD who can completely ignore the feeling of shame because they can easily identify it as not beneficial and therefore ignore it. I think part of it depends on how you take on things like ableism as well - it seems to correlate that people who don’t internalize any ableism are better at pushing away feelings of shame, whilst people like me who struggle with internalizing ableism are more distressed by shame.

It’s also worth noting that shame specifically associated with PTSD from the same place that led to the ASPD (so in other words, related to childhood trauma) can end up being the pwASPD’s only definition of guilt, and feel very all-encompassing because of that. They may feel haunted by any little thing they do that would have been wrong in the eyes of the person who caused the trauma. This can result in a pwASPD who is very timid and/or shows few symptoms. In my case, issues with this led me to lean away from the more obvious symptoms of my ASPD, which is why I had to fight myself on whether or not I truly had it before I was diagnosed. I was fairly meek for most of my life, and the classic behaviors many pwASPD experience like violent outbursts leading to breaking things and/or hurting animals or other children, breaking rules and defying authority, etc. was, for me, replaced by the more covert versions of those things. I broke things - but they were my things that I knew wouldn’t be missed. I would get bursts of rage and take it out on things I knew could take it or that I could excuse as being lost, or better yet, things that could have easily been broken by other means. For example, I had a tendency to break pencils when I was angry, so I would intentionally pick up any pencils I found on the floor at school and break *those* when I was angry, and for the same reason I washed and saved popsicle sticks “for arts and crafts”. I fell into the manipulation and deception (besides of my main caregiver who is an Exception) side more than the rule-breaking and violence side due to that trauma. The shame for the actions was something I could only tolerate if I could tell myself “nobody but you knows what you did” or “the only thing you broke are things that don’t mean anything to anybody and would be in the trash otherwise”.

I would say the biggest thing that pwASPD dealing with that intense shame feeling would do differently than most other pwASPD is to appear more “in control”. ASPD forms from trauma, so if that traumatic shame (and yes, growing up with OCD without knowing it and without having safe support *is* very often traumatic) is constantly beating on you as a part of the trauma, certain symptoms may not show up the same way as they would for someone where they didn’t have that. It’s not the same as not doing something because you can control the urge/impulse - what I’ve described here is just redirection of said impulse - and it’s not the same as feeling guilt. It’s a symptom of one or multiple other disorders playing in tandem with the ASPD symptoms.

As for how pwASPD deal with this shame compared to prosocials, I would say that it has the potential seriously numb us in a way that it doesn’t to prosocials. Generally, prosocials have a better idea of how to identify between the feelings of guilt vs shame, which is how most of them learn to recognize and act on one while not taking in the other. At the point where they can’t, it usually creates an anxiety disorder on top of whatever is causing the shame. In pwASPD however, if we feel shame like this, it often makes us even *less* receptive to the feeling of true guilt. For those of us who easily ignore the shame, guilt just gets lumped in with that and they move on, and for those of us that internalize the shame, guilt pales in comparison and we don’t see it as intrusive enough to listen to.

All of this is, as always, fairly anecdotal, but this is how I experience it combined with how people I have talked to describe it. It’s worth noting that many elitists will claim that feeling shame means you can’t have ASPD. I simply do not have the bandwidth to go into the details of *how ridiculous* that is right now, but it is in no way true. There is zero reason, in my opinion, to say that a symptom of another disorder cannot exist at the same time as ASPD. Afaik, there is currently no disorder that excludes you from the diagnosis of ASPD. The only disorders that even come close are bipolar disorder, schizophrenia/other disorders causing psychosis, and substance abuse disorder - but none of these truly exclude you from an ASPD diagnosis, they just require extra examination to make sure the symptoms do not only occur when manic, in psychosis, or while h1gh/drvnk respectively.

Sorry if this is a bit of a novel, I’m getting used to being back and trying to be concise again.

[hypergamiss]

I feel so drained all the time bc I’m living in my toxic parents home. Thanks to the economy, and my binge eating issue, it’s been a struggle to save money. I get in arguments all the time with my mom, especially regarding how chill she is with my troublemaker younger siblings versus how my sister and I were raised. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so full of rage on how unfair things are. I listened to her two years ago when I could’ve transferred colleges, but she (and dad by extent) guilt tripped me into staying home, and wasting my money on online classes that went nowhere. Due to depression I began binge eating, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better tbh. I’ve wasted sm money, and my teeth are messed up due to all the sugar.  /: I feel stuck. I know I should be trying to move forward but I feel so depressed, no $ for therapy tho of course. I know I’ll regret it but I can’t seem to move forward. The anger keeps me in place. Could go into detail about how I wasn’t allowed to do anything in hs or even make friends, even community college I went to a super small one w no opportunities. I had sm ambition, sm drive, all feels like it’s been argued out of me. I’m tired of my words being misconstrued, of always being seen as a selfish bad person. I’m just done with it all. I want to give up sometimes, just throw my hands up and say f it, and keep binging, keep wasting $, and not caring about anything. But a tiny part of me does want to improve which is why I’m messaging you. 

Toxic family dynamics mixed with a crappy economy is a recipe for burnout. But here's the thing: you're still here, and that tiny spark wanting to improve? That's your inner warrior, not ready to give up! Try looking at things through this lens:

Your Parents are NOT the Economy: Yes, things are tough, but focusing on how they guilt-tripped you won't open a savings account. Let's ditch the blame game (for now) and focus on what YOU can control.

Binge-Eating as Rebellion: I get it. When control is taken away, we sometimes find it in destructive ways. That sugar rush is a temporary middle finger to those unfair rules. But girl, your teeth and your temple(body) deserve better!

Channel the Rage: You want to give up? Fine! But instead of giving up on yourself, give up on caring what they think! Use that anger to fuel a job search, create a hustle, literally ANYTHING that screams, "Screw you, I'm taking my life back!"

Tiny Steps > No Steps: Therapy is out of reach for now, but there are free mental health resources online. Even just journaling out that rage is better than letting it consume you. You are much stronger than you think.

"Selfish" is the New Self-Care: Remember those ambitions? It's time to be ruthlessly selfish about reclaiming them. Not the kind that harms others, but the kind that says, "My dreams matter, and I refuse to let them die here."

It won't be easy, and there may be slip-ups. But even posting this shows you're not fully down for the count. Dust yourself off, get scrappy, and use that anger to prove everyone (including yourself) wrong. You deserve better, and sometimes, the only way out is through.

[crxssjae]

Just Come Kiss Me and Bite Me (Pt.2)

Summary:

Jey's half-vampire nature heightened his senses of blood and desire. He wanted Sami and him only—nothing else—while being self-control with tenderness still there.

a/n: Apologies for taking so long to post the second part. Been editing and busy outside of Tumblr. Hopefully, this chapter makes up for my lost time.

Also posted on AO3 here.

Other WWE fics and samijey/jeysami fics are posted on my WWE masterlist here.

Read back to part one here.

Word Count: 3,378

Warning(s): 18+, NSFW, explicit language, blood drinking, smut content

__________

Blood isn't candy.

Blood is and isn't food, except if you're an animal.

Two flavors of blood— salty and metallic.

As a half-vampire, however, blood has dozens of flavors.

Jey savored him. Against his neck, suckling while canine teeth pierced into the skin, careful if awry. Throughout six days, what he fed was different. Sweeter than other packets, he punctured and drank. Bland, other days, is better.

Why hasn't he guessed before? Is it rubbing the wrong way?

Lips stained with the crimson fluid, eyes locked on him, who opened his. All he saw was a glimmer of yearning.

Sami.

Sami.

Sami.

Sami, his Sami.

His name was chanted, never faded, nor vanished. Jey fell harder before him. It isn’t unfair— it's perfect, perfect seeing him exist. Well, unfair firsthand way back, he understood now. He cracked a smile as his lover smiled back, then saw a frown with slight hesitation behind its charm.

"Jey," Sami whispered, "About earlier…"

Jey's heart began pounding with uneasiness. "Yea?"

He felt Sami's fingertips grazing his chest, a touch of uncertainty behind its warmth.

"When I left with Kevin, there's this feeling I can't reject after I said goodbye to you," he explained, tracing random patterns. "Imagining, kissing, touching, all the time with just one glance whenever we're close or one of us leaves. I couldn't stop thinking about you, no matter the times we separated. It's always this," he took a deep breath, "this lust between us that won't stop growing."

Jey's gaze softened. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"... You'd lash out, which is the part I'm worried about." Sami averted his eyes. ""I mean, hiding this feeling made me think I'm a burden. Stupid, isn't it?"

"No, no, it's not, baby," Jey murmured, caressing his cheek. Their gaze met once more— anxiety in Sami stood still. "Y'know damn well, I never lash out when you're scared. But bein' a burden? Bullshit."

Being a kind-hearted and easy-going man, alongside a hidden skill of understanding emotions or struggles around others, doesn't belong in the trait list. When the focus was on Sami, all changed in a snap. Consider why Jey didn't push him aside, avoid him as another distrustful stranger, and not fall victim to strings of lies while confessing he's a monster. He could've made those choices, but despite that trust maturing time after time, insecurities still arise.

Yet Sami never saw him as a monster. Helped him through his life— treated him like a human, ignoring selfish comments that are irrelevant to what vampires and half-vampires are.

Now Jey does the same.

"But I'm worried if you... if you lose yourself, everything you don't want to do! It worries me whenever—!" Sami's voice cracked into sputters, unable to speak along his trembling lips. His eyes flooded with tears spilling from his cheeks. "It's just... I don't think I'm helpful."

"And I gotchu, right? Like you got me throughout my life." Jey mentioned the conversation several minutes ago. "You don't give a damn if I'm human or vampire as long as I live. Lemme tell you right now. I love you. I love you so damn much!"

Surprise lit up Sami's expression, while nevertheless, a hint of relief sat in. Silent communication through their knowing stares, the meaning behind what one should speak, the other listens.

"You helped me. You are helpful." Jey continued. "I wanna repay you everythin'. Thinkin' those months back then, whether stayin' here with you was the worst choice, bein' treated like shit. But lookin’ back, it's amazin’, thanks to you. You didn't give up on me, nothin' else."

"I… Jey…"

His thumb swiped the tears away from Sami's cheeks. Jey leaned in, their noses brushing against each other. "And I wanna give you my thanks if you are comfortable."

He saw his gaze dropped to his lips, hushed breaths mingled. Their desire arose, heavier and more challenging to resist. God, they needed each other— they wanted each other just by unwanted language.

Just two lovers inside the bedroom bathed in the moonlight. One human who is not a vampire, while another human who is born half-vampire, undisturbed.

"Yes," Sami uttered in a hushed tone, repressing an urge to let his mouth brush onto Jey's blood-stained, plump lips. "I want you. Only you."

The scent of Sami's blood lingered in his nostrils, triggering the half-vampire nature within. A low growl vibrated in Jey's throat, his lips pressed onto Sami's, and his tongue slipped in; the metallic flavor was still there, tasting everything he had other than blood. Both let out a muffled, contented sigh as Sami began to love every inch of this hungry kiss and so did Jey.

Delicious, divine, rich; the wish came true.

Jey nibbled Sami's bottom lip; fangs gentle on the flesh along the blood seeped a little. His tongue swiped, tasting again, letting the buds remember its flavor. Alluring noises Sami uttered made Jey breathe a satisfied sigh.

Impatience grew— he yearned to feel him already. Jey's arms encircled Sami's waist, lifting him and letting Sami wrap his legs around his waist. Approaching the bed and pinning him, Jey released his arms, soothing his fingers on Sami's bearded jawline while Sami loosened his legs, the back of his head resting on the pillow.

Hurrying their moments isn't their motto, though impatience is understandable. Deep down— Jey never and never will plan so since the vampire nature can activate any time without the fuel of blood, either being close or far apart fantasizing about Sami, which can risk their relationship.

A promising one task himself: do not overwhelm its vampire blood, suppress its uncontrollable desire, and focus on yourself and your lover.

He'll blame Sami later for being desirable in front of him.

"Look at you," Jey murmured, thumb grazing the corner of Sami's mouth. The spark of beauty is too good to waste. "Fuck, you this bad for me?"

A whimper from Sami made the response clear as day; Jey didn't mean to smirk at him but had to. His shoulders shrugged off the jacket, then threw it aside onto the floor, showing his tatted chest. Grasping onto Sami's wrist to let him touch his chest, Sami's fingers spread on the tattoos and trailed Jey's stomach to his jeans' waistband.

Arousal coursed his body. His dick ached, pressing against the tent of his jeans. Jey huffed a chuckle— he had other plans in mind.

"Not yet, baby. Wanna take my time wit' you." His gaze met Sami's lustful eyes, unzipping Sami's hoodie.

"Without rush?" Sami questioned, sitting up and discarding his hoodie to the floor along with Jey's jacket before yanking his shirt over his head.

"Without rush," Jey repeated. "But I don't think I can control myself after this."

"I think you can. Trust me."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure," Sami beamed. "Besides, you want to hear me moan and whimper tonight. Because," He leaned in, his warm breath tickled Jey's ear, whispering, "That's your secret all along at night as a half-vampire, imagining me to call out your name underneath you. Am I right?"

Now Jey had his breath caught in his throat. Crimson eyes swirled, darkening deeper into vermilion, narrowing at the visible bite mark on the crook of Sami's neck.

All cravings into one: let the taste occur again, make Sami the noises that turned him on, and have sex alongside love, of course, at his pace. Nobody else apart from his half-vampire side and its ability to hear eerie whispers can bother their peace.

In an instant, Sami noticed Jey grabbed him by the wrists, pinning them above his head on the headboard. Jey's thumb brushed against Sami's mouth again, and Sami's tongue darted, swirling around it, with a glint of devilishness in his eyes.

"Damn…" Jey's face reddened, stifled a faint breath. "Naughty as hell. Haven't touched you yet."

"Well," Sami drawled out, voice dropped silky, "get to work, baby. Nice and slow."

There it is, the last straw.

Jey yanked Sami's sweatpants down and tossed them near other piled clothes, exposing Sami's thighs while the bulge strained through his boxer briefs. He didn't hesitate to remove those— pre-cum leaked from the tip of Sami's hard cock.

Drool of saliva trickling from his mouth, Jey wiped it using his palm. He reminded himself not to rush.

Sami's fingers caressed through the strands of Jey's hair. Intoxicated, Jey leaned down between his legs and began biting, showering feathered-light kisses before doing the same on the other thigh. Sensitive, in fact, due to whiny breaths escaping Sami.

Canine teeth skim against the area where the spot is at. Jey sank into the skin as he did on Sami's neck, sucking the weak point while making sure not to hurt Sami. It would've been nice to leave bite marks on his body if it's a good thing. For now, Jey is focusing on pleasuring and getting satisfaction.

Sami moaned, gripping a bit tighter on Jey's hair, careful not to pull his scalp. "So... so good, ah, fuck—! Suck me, baby!"

Jey paused, much to Sami's protests. "Hold on." He lifted his head, a teasing smirk playing on his face. "Are you bein' impatient right now? I thought you s'posed to be 'a very tender lover', not a rushin' lover."

"Ex— Excuse me?!" Sami shrieked, faking the high-pitched shock that Jey suppressed his laugh. "I am a— a very, very tender lover, and I have the best kisses in the world. Lucky for me, I am a very, very good kisser, thank you very much!"

"You're replacing yo' bubbly side again. And babblin'."

"Am not!"

"Uh huh, yea, you are, baby."

Sami let out an exaggerated groan. "For goodness sake," he whined, "please— whoa, whoa, whoa, Jey—!"

He got cut off when Jey lapped his tongue on the tip, tasting the pre-cum, then dove his mouth into him, swirling around the shaft without his fangs scraping the flesh. Sami covered his eyes with his arms over him, moaning, unable to stop bucking his hips in Jey's mouth, full of warmth and hunger. Even though he gagged a bit, it didn't stop Jey from swallowing as he hoisted Sami's legs onto his shoulders, having everything under control.

Loud slurping echoed in the bedroom, mixed alongside Sami's pleasurable sounds, music to Jey's ear. He smirked around Sami's cock, bobbing his head, swallow by swallow, teasing with a mischievous glance. At this point, Sami became a moaning mess throughout the minutes.

"There you go, that's the spot, fuck, right there, right there!" Pleasure washed over. Sami is closer to the peak, his mouth open wide, breathless. "Baby, please, I'm about...!"

Out of the blue, the warm sensation vanished. Sami uncovered his arms and pouted— seeing Jey no longer swallowing— only Jey's saliva coated on his cock remained.

Not yet, baby. Jey thought.

"Don't gimme that look. Like you said, without rush," he told Sami.

"Yeah… without rush," Sami murmured, chest heaving. "Without rush."

"Good. Do somethin' for me." Jey crawled up, lips touching Sami's ear. "Turn over your stomach. All fours, face on the pillow, ass up."

Sami blinked, unsure what he meant. However, one look at the filled, alluring expression on Jey— same goes for his gaze; this isn't a joke.

"Wait, what did you say—"

"All fours, face on the pillow, ass up. Now." Jey repeated with a snarl. "Or do you want me to do it?"

No answer. Sami did what he told as Jey eyed him, his cock aching more and more just by one look at him, causing him to bite his lip. How did he miss out on everything? Tender kisses to a passionate moment in brief seconds escalated more than he thought.

A beaming Sami, full of affectionate laughter that'll chain for others to join along— inciting the corner of their cheeks to become sore.

A secret side of Sami, however, lurked into play, which Jey saw while the rest couldn't: a pleading, blubbering, yet patient Sami. Thousands of questions clouded Jey's mind; he wished to answer some to a lesser degree.

Forget it. Jey shook those thoughts aside. Maybe next time, he'll think.

One free hand roamed onto Sami's ass— while the other discarded his pants along his boxers, and his dick sprang free. Before any further, Jey stopped.

"Baby."

Sami's eyes shut, breathing. "Hmm?"

"Do you have any lube?" Jey asked, fingers trailing his back, sending shudders down Sami's spine.

"In the drawer, top left. And yes, I'm clean."

Jey nodded, couldn't help staring at Sami's firm ass for a couple of seconds— before fumbling the nightstand dresser's left drawer, peeking at a bottle of lube inside— while soothing and planting tender kisses on Sami's back, who huffed nervous breaths. Whispering sweet nothings to Sami, he uncapped the bottle, squirting an amount of lube onto his fingers.

A middle finger slid in, unhurried pumps, enveloping the warm, aching heat on his finger, exploring the walls in Sami's hole, hearing the alluring noises drawn out of his boyfriend, though muffled against the pillow.

Awe transformed in his eyes, disbelief at how good Sami feels. First try without discomfort, straight up utters of heaven.

Jey added his index finger, followed along with a ragged moan, and his name chanted from Sami.

"M'gettin' there, okay?" Jey told him. Fingers stretched Sami's hole wider, hand stroking Sami's thigh. "Wait a lil' longer."

Sami clutched onto the bed sheets, eyelashes fluttering. Babbles of words came out of his mouth. "Baby, inside me, bite me— so good, fuck! Right now, please!"

Bite him? Jey stared but didn't want to stop pumping his fingers, wondering if it would be too much to handle.

Is he serious? I can't hurt him, there's no way I couldn't keep myself in control! But his moans…

One word got him and triggered the half-vampire instincts further. Vermilion tint glowed, his pupils dilated, balanced without seizing.

I wanna… wanna make him feel good.

Jey prepped him enough, fingers pulled out from Sami's slicked hole.

Once more, he took the bottle, squeezing extra lube on his palm, then made a couple of strokes, slicken his cock while stifling a low groan. Jey held Sami's ass cheeks after he lubed himself, lining up and burying into Sami, escaping the groan.

Given time to let Sami adjust, fit together. Perfect, tight, each word running through Jey's mind. He could've imagined the warmth kept on his pulsing cock. He saw Sami's glance over his shoulder, knowing he was ready, not without a mischievous glint within.

"Should've asked if I needed a condom." Sami teased.

Jey groaned, must've forgotten about the condom. "Sorry, baby."

"It's fine." Sami flashed a genuine smile. "I'm ready, though."

That damn smile. One of many reasons Jey liked Sami.

Sucked in his breath, Jey thrusted his hips at an unhurried pace with his nails dug into Sami's hips, gripping tight. His head ducked down, running kisses from the back of the spine to the nape of Sami's neck, soothing him and concentrating on the sweet spot.

He took in the sight of Sami; delicious moans, face scrunched in bliss, mouth open. Tempting, all about him in different words among the delicateness of a flawed human without becoming perfect. Jey is blessed to get him on his knees.

Quiet groans escaped Jey— lips pecking over and over, his nose brushed against the crook of Sami's neck, where the bite mark he made still showed. Their hips slapped in the same rhythm, while Jey's cock brushed onto Sami's prostate as both were drunk over hunger of lust.

Minutes passed— felt like hours— Sami would've lost his voice already. Instead, his eyes half-lidded, chanting Jey's name along ragged gasps, heightening. "Oh, fuck me, feels so fucking good!" he cried out; a pair of fangs stabbed into his neck once again, eliciting a scream, and his eyes shot open in an instant. "Oh god, Jey, Jey, Jey!"

The scent of blood and noises grew addicting. Jey couldn't take it anymore.

Taste him, take him, satisfy him, the whispers pleaded.

His hips had gone wilder, snapping faster. Jey leaned his body onto Sami's, sweat trickling into one; his taste buds savored Sami's blood as he nipped and licked over the bite mark, then feeding once more, grunting.

Roaming Sami's dick, hasty strokes while his thumb circled the tip, flooding Sami's mind with nothing but desire. Jey could care less about the blood staining his fangs and the sheets.

“Jey, oh, baby, more, more, more! I love you—!”

Jey's fingers grazed Sami's throat to his bearded jaw, turning his head to meet his gaze. Lips meshed together— swallowing moans into a heated kiss as their tongues swirled on each other.

Jey drew back, strings of saliva hanging between their lips. "I love you, too." From the look in Sami's eyes, he can tell he's at his peak. "Wanna— shit— wanna cum for me? Fill you up?"

With an eager nod in response from Sami, Jey grunted until hearing his lover groan before dissolving into pleasure. Sami's cock twitched; cum spilled on Jey's fingers, then shockwaves trembled Jey's body, releasing inside him, milking around Sami's hole.

Their bodies slumped and boneless, covered in sweat, the room only developed sounds of heavy breathing and Jey's faint smooching Sami's shoulder to neck.

Jey did it.

Sami did it.

They did it.

They are proud.

Jey wished he could lie to himself, though he had no choice but to go back to drinking blood packets again instead of Sami's from the neck. His face scrunched in disgust as he stared at Sami.

"Y'okay?" Jey whispered, tracing Sami's arm, intertwining his.

Sami sighed with a smile, eyes fluttered close. "I'm okay."

"That's good." Jey buried his face in the crook of his neck. "M'so happy of everythin"."

"Me too. I'm proud of you, I really am."

Jey lifted his head; a bashful smile graced his face. "M'proud of you, too, baby. Soundin' like Jimmy."

"Did he tell you the same thing?"

"He did." Jey kissed his forehead. "And glad he told me."

Whenever a mention of Jimmy, Jey recalled the moments of struggling to be human with a grin, nothing to hide. No lie about his twin brother, despite their fears of being disowned if getting caught drinking blood from hiding places.

Those two accepted them for who they were without hesitation: Sami and Kevin.

Jey hoped most strangers knew the truth; not every vampire and half-vampire are dangerous, ruthless, or cold-hearted monsters. For now, he has his eye on his lover.

All of a sudden, he felt a soft peck on his temple. Jey glanced at him.

"Can you get off me?" Sami asked with a chuckle. "Or maybe you wanted a round two?"

Jey blinked, and a blush crept up his cheeks.

How much stamina does Sami have? But how much does he have himself?

This is going to be a long night.

__________

Jey cooked breakfast in the kitchen.

His phone pressed against his ear, having a conversation with Jimmy. One hand gripped the handle of the pan, sizzling with fried eggs. He turned off the stove and didn't want to burn the food.

Sami does most of the cooking, but since he's still sleeping in the bedroom after having sex last night, Jey thought it'd be his turn to be the chef.

"Yea, uh, we good, uce. Didn't mean to worry you." Jey chuckled.

"Knew somethin' off! You and Sami gettin' very close, always denyin' when being around with me, saying, 'Naw, naw, naw, we ain't together or nothin’ like that'!" Jimmy mocked Jey's voice. "Now y'all bangin' and swingin'!"

"Okay, okay, chill out!” Jey breathed out a laugh at the antics. "For real, we're fine."

"That's good. By the way…"

Jey knew this was coming.

"It's fine. Didn't lose control, held it on my own, thanks to Sami," he finished the sentence.

Jimmy sighed in relief. Jey sensed a smile through the phone. "Good. M'glad."

"Jey, is breakfast ready…?"

Setting the phone aside, Jey took a sniff of the scent of Sami's blood. The need for hunger isn't there— his half-vampire side didn't trigger— it's pure love.

He smiled. There will be lots of reminders he loved Sami for reasons.

"Mornin', baby."

[The End]

__________

Thank you for reading!

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