#there’s only really 1 song I found myself even remotely liking and it still wasn’t even that good.

[kisaxiii]

.

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Smoke & Mirrors - part 6

Neil x Reader

Chapter 6: You’re mine

(see chapter  5, 4, 3, 2, 1)

summary: a conclusion.

warnings: alcohol mention, language and other explicit things, 18+

author’s note: When @vaneilla​ first mentioned she had an idea for a story, I thought it was a good opportunity to challenge myself with writing something new. I had no idea how attached I was going to get to these two over the course of the last weeks. 

But this is it. Not the final story, but the finale of this story.

Couldn’t have finished it without my friends, putting up with me and my bullshit at the craziest hours, so ladies - thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

And thank YOU, for your support. For staying until the very end.

As for the song - you have to wait til you finish reading. 

Anyway, enjoy! Can’t wait to see what you think, so let me know, please?

------

Things between you and Neil were… civilized, so to speak. Because of your recent promotion, you really were stuck with him. Training, missions, planning, and back again.

Two of those things were not a problem, the worst part of it all was training together, especially those bloody sparring sessions.

None of you could hide behind tactical gear, a stack of documents, or a laptop. Or anything even remotely resembling a barrier of some sort, making it easier to pretend that nothing had happened. Ever. Having that, both of you were the embodiment of professionalism, focused on a shared goal, one could even say that the mutual respect was visible in your actions. But as soon as you collided with each other in combat, you found yourselves slipping into old patterns almost instantly--

“Why don’t you hit me like you mean it?”

“Oh blondie, I really don’t feel like bulletproofing those next variations all by myself.”

“Aren’t you cute.”

--at least up to the point, and that point usually being one of you getting pinned to the mat. That look in his eyes, not helping in the slightest. The pure need overriding every other thought. Your bodies ready to respond in complete disregard of any sense. And then, every time without fail, the memory of a searing embarrassment snapped you out of the moment, casting a bitter shade over the rest of the time you had to be in such close proximity to each other.

Your back hit the mat with a loud thud again.

“Know what, your lack of focus is almost insulting, mate.”

“Fuck off,” you hissed, sitting up and glaring at Ives. “Remind me again, why am I even training with you today?”

“Thought we could catch up.”

You scoffed, accepting a hand extended in your direction.

“Couldn’t we do that over a pint or something?”

He shrugged lightly. “Would have to stop avoiding everyone first,” he said, his voice casually mocking, but you knew him well enough to know what that look in his eyes meant. He was concerned.

You put your guard up.

“I’ve been busy.”

That wasn’t a lie. Technically. And if you didn’t have enough on your plate to keep your mind occupied – because you could only spend so much time at the shooting range – you always found a way to make yourself busy. That’s exactly how you survived the last couple of days - you dived into your team’s archived reports, analyzing old operations and figuring out ways to improve and incorporate particularly interesting tactics into the next planning sessions. Because, of course, the initial draft from that evening was just plan A, and now you needed several backup ones, just in case anything went sideways. Murphy never sleeps, so why should you, right?

“Uh-huh,” Ives sent you a doubtful smile. “Fucking it out stopped working?” he teased and threw a punch aimed at your head.

The audacity of the question was almost enough to stop you in your tracks, but you ducked, avoiding his flying fist just barely. Still, it felt as if the hit landed straight at your chest.

“What gave you that idea?” you huffed as you started circling him slowly.

Your friend raised a brow, studying you carefully. “A wild guess, but your reaction is rather telling.” He blocked your hook to his chin. “But honestly? The lack of your usual bullshit in the comms.”

Damn it.

It had been a while since you trained with Ives, Now that you finally focused on what was going on, you realized that his hand-to-hand combat style was so different from what you’d gotten used to over the last weeks of training - he was more about strength and endurance than speed and precision, and you needed to adjust your tactics accordingly.

“You need to work smarter, not harder.”

Wiping sweat from your forehead, you tried to make your tone as nonchalant as possible.

“Maybe we’ve grown as people,” you said, shifting your balance back and forth, waiting for an opening.

An amused snort was enough of a comment.

“Or someone’s caught feelings,” he pondered, charging at you.

You laughed dryly, jumping out of his way.

“Like you’d be the one to know.”

The kick you sent after him reached its destination and Ives grunted before turning your way, perplexed.

“Oi, the fuck was that supposed to mean?”

A closed chapter.

“Nothing,” you shrugged. His next attack was sloppy and your eyes flared up, spotting the perfect opportunity. Quick sidestep and grab. Precisely applied pressure. Well-practiced twist. Using Ives’ own weight and momentum, you sent him to the ground with ease.

A smug grin crept on your face at the sound of him turning the air blue.

“You’ve had enough?”

Ives gave you a murderous glare, trying to catch his breath.

“Stop gloating and give me a hand.”

Next thing you knew, you were lying next to him on the mat, wondering how you could fall for the oldest trick of his. Without changing your position, you punched him in the arm. He laughed in response and you shook your head, stifling a chuckle.

With the corner of your eye, you caught his worried glance.

“You know you can always talk to me, right?”

“I appreciate it, but--...” you hesitated and sighed. The offer meant a lot to you, but you didn’t really feel like talking.

Ives sent you a knowing smile.

“But you’d rather just grab that beer and brood in silence, eh?”

“I don’t brood,” you faked an offended tone and got up on your knees, reaching out your hand again.

“Since when?” Ives smirked and accepted your help, only for you to let him fall on his ass in the next second.

Damn, you really missed this, you realized later on, closing your locker. In your line of work, it was almost impossible to cultivate relationships with civilians, so the ones you made with your teammates were essentially the only friendships in your life. And with everything that was going on over the past few weeks, having someone like Ives around felt like a true blessing.

You exhaled slowly. It was supposed to be your first free evening in a long time, as your boss asked Neil to accompany him to some work-related event. You could use that time off to recharge - order some comfort food, watch something from your ever-growing list of movies you had to catch up on, or simply have some you time...

You looked around to check if you hadn’t forgotten anything, and then your gaze landed on that certain spot and--

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

All of the sudden, the thought of going back to a dark and empty apartment was unbearable. You grabbed your bag and rushed outside.

“Ives…?” you called out, stopping at the top of the stairs. As he turned around and looked up, you shifted nervously from one foot to the other. “That beer offer still stands?”

“You know it.” His eyes warmed up as you made your way to him. He wrapped one arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer, as you walked down the street together.

You looped your arm around his waist in return and sighed quietly, easing into the embrace.

-------------

Neil tossed a clipboard across the table and rubbed his face.

“We’ll run out of letters soon.”

You glanced at him from your spot on the windowsill.

“Wanna bet some idiot is gonna end up improvising anyway?” you said, closing your laptop.

“Jesus, don’t even make me think about it,” he groaned and shot you a tired look. And as he noticed your raised brow, he scoffed, rolling his eyes. “That was one time!”

“I didn’t say anything,” you pouted, slipping to the floor.

“Didn’t have to.”

The insulted expression on his face contrasted with a spark in his gaze as you snickered, piling up all the notes littering the windowsill. You placed them on the laptop, and in the name of your general rule that you'd rather eat barren rocks than go twice, you lifted everything up, balancing the stack, careful not to scatter it around. Should have paid more attention while reaching for your empty glass, though.

The glass shattered on the floor, sending broken pieces all over the place.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you mumbled, putting your stuff back, your face flushed from embarrassment.

Neil jumped up from the sofa. “It’s nothing,” he said, waving his hand dismissively and sending you a reassuring smile. “I’ll get something to pick it up, just don’t move.”

A quite accurate representation of everything slipping out of your hands, you thought as you squatted, collecting the bigger chunks with shaking fingers. Sharp pain in your palm made you realize how much of a stupid idea was that.

“Motherfucker!” you hissed, dropping the now bloodied glass on the ground and flapping your hand as if it could stop it from aching.

Neil emerged from the hall, carrying a broom and a roll of paper towels.

“Couldn’t you have waited one goddamn minute?”

“Excuse me for wanting to help,” you huffed angrily and stood up.

Swiping the glass out of his way, he eyed you with concern.

“How bad is it?”

You glanced at the injured palm and winced, fighting the childish urge to hide it behind your back. “Just a small cut.”

But your casual tone was not convincing enough. Neil’s features tightened as he put the broom away.

“Let me take a look,” he said, tearing off a sheet from the roll. Without giving you much of a chance to protest, Neil reached for your hand. He smacked the tongue and shook his head as he examined the wound, carefully wiping off the blood from around its edges. “You’ll live, but we have to clean it up.”

You realized you were holding your breath. Not from the pain, though - it was the first time you felt his touch outside of training since that initial evening in his apartment, and something as simple as the light strokes of his fingers was enough to send your heart racing.

Get yourself together.

You inhaled sharply.

“I can do it myself, thanks,” you said, trying to slip away from his grasp, but he wasn’t ready to let you go that easily.

“But you don’t have to.”

The enigmatic look in his eyes was unnerving. You glared at him with determination and pulled your hand out of his.

“I’m fine.”

"Suit yourself," he shrugged, watching as you crossed the room cautiously, your bare feet tiptoeing around every glimmering spot on the hardwood floor on your way to the kitchen, where you knew Neil kept his first aid kit. Your thoughts wandered back to that one evening he answered the door mid-buttoning up the striped shirt of his.

“Can come back later if you have company...”

“I’m sure arnica is not gonna mind you joining in, a dirty little ointment that she is.”

Rolling your eyes almost as hard as the previous time, you opened a cabinet next to the sink and took out the kit. As you began cleaning the cut, you could hear Neil swiping the glass and tossing it to the bin behind you shortly after, when you were almost done.

But the further you got into the process, the more you struggled, having to use your slightly trembling non-dominant hand to deal with all the unpacking, disinfecting, and so on. And when a bandage slipped out of your hand, rolling out to the floor, you spurted out a litany of curses. Trying to salvage it into a state that would make it relatively easy to use, you noticed Neil casually leaned against the further end of the countertop with his arms crossed, looking at you with a smug grin.

“Need a hand?”

You wanted to snap back at him, but then your fingers cramped and you winced, exhaling shakily. Neil walked up to you and as his eyes met yours, you slumped your shoulders in defeat, nodding. He took the messed up bandage and rolled it back into a more usable form, the amusement in his expression tainted by something resembling a fondness. Holding your injured hand gently, he readjusted the gauze over the cut. You turned his way fully, your gaze transfixed on his moves as he meticulously dressed the wound. When he was done, he examined his work, running his digits across your palm. A corner of his lips curled into a smile and you bit the inside of your cheek, trying to ignore a sudden heartache.

He arched a brow and looked up at you. Playful lights danced in his eyes as his thumbs stroked your fingers slowly.

“Your pride still intact?”

“Just barely,” you said and internally cursed your hoarse voice for exposing you and your reaction to him, his closeness and his attention. “Thank you.”

Neil smiled in response and his gaze softened. He raised your hand and placed a small kiss on your knuckles. Your mouth fell open but he already let go of you and started packing the first aid kit back into the cabinet. You left the kitchen in a hurry, the initial shock got replaced with a mix of frustration, anger and confusion. What the fuck was he thinking?

Grabbing your laptop on the way, you fell on the sofa, hoping it was enough of a barrier to shield yourself with until you get your storming emotions under control again.

Neil sat down on the armrest and the blue eyes bored into you.

It took all your self-control not to shift away, just to gain a little more personal space, but you were determined not to give away how uncomfortable you felt at the moment. Instead, you simply pressed your lips into a thin line, reading one sentence from the opened document over and over again, waiting for Neil to back off voluntarily.

As if you’d forgotten how persistent he could be.

"Okay, enough.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “Can you tell me what's going on with you?"

You shot him the most indifferent glance from your arsenal.

“I’m trying to get the job done, despite my coworker’s attempts at distracting me with some impertinent questions.”

“You’re funny,” he grimaced. “And what is it, really?”

"Nothing."

Neil laughed dryly. "One thing I've learned about you is not to trust your nothings."

You closed your eyes for a second, trying to keep your nerves at bay.

What could you possibly tell him to make this whole mess between you more bearable?

"Drop it. We have plenty of work to do."

A sore scoff.  

"If that’s truly what you want," he said, shrugging.

But his bitter tone was the match in the powder barrel, and you couldn’t stand it anymore.

"And what do you want, huh?!" you exploded and sprung from the sofa, tossing the laptop away. Neil’s eyes widened as he stood up slowly, but the confusion on his face was only fueling your despair. "Tell me, because just when I think I know, you pull off some--” flailing your arms around, you searched for any appropriate word to push through the lump in your throat. ”--some bullshit, and I can't go on like this, so tell me - what do you want?"

Neil stared at you in disbelief, shaking his head slightly, as if he had trouble coming to terms with the turn this conversation had taken.

"I want you,” he said, stepping in your direction.

You chuckled harshly. Could have expected that.

“Sure,” you spat out, turning away, the pain in your chest making you struggle to draw a breath.

And then a sudden touch on your clenched fist.

“No, not like that!” he huffed, taking your hand in his and pulling it gently so you faced him again. “I mean-- ...yes, of course I do, but that’s not what I have in mind, goddammit.” He cringed and groaned quietly. And then he gave you a look so hopeless it took your breath away. “I care about you. I…” he stumbled over his words and blinked a few times in a futile attempt to compose himself. "I want...you." He moved closer. “The right way.” Neil cupped your face with his free hand and as he leaned in, you exhaled shakily. He softly stroked your nose with his, the familiar gesture letting you know how much he wanted to turn back time to fix his mistake from before. His broken voice shifted into a breathless plea. "Let me show you. Please."

You closed your eyes, melting into his touch.

“Neil…” you sighed, as his name was the only thing left in you when your mind went blank. Allowing your fingers to interlock, you raised your joined hands and pressed them to your chest so he could feel the heart pounding in your chest. The light brush of his thumb against your cheek made you look at him again, right into his longing eyes. You bit your lower lip to stop it from trembling and nodded.

A sharp chuckle escaped his mouth as his hand slipped into the back of your neck, pulling you into his embrace, your joined hands trapped between you, the racing heartbeats speaking more than a thousand words.

You wrapped your other arm around him and while you buried your face in the crook of his neck, your injured hand fisted on the material of his black hoodie, as if you were afraid that as soon as you let him go, you would never get him back again, losing him forever.  

While Neil’s hand slid from your neck down your back, tightening the embrace, the other one loosened the hold of yours, grazing over your collarbone on its way up, and tangling itself in your hair. You felt his warm breath on your neck and then a soft kiss just below your ear. You bit back a needy whine and your eyes screwed shut as Neil tipped your chin and his lips traveled along your jawline and stopped in the corner of your mouth. His thumb glided over your lips slowly and you opened your eyes, your fingertips already mirroring his gesture. He gasped and his gaze darkened. The yearning pouring from the blue irises resonated in your every particle and hazed over your mind.

“I need you,” you breathed. Three words being both a confession and a prayer.

A corner of his mouth twitched into a smile.

There was a purposeful lack of urgency in his movements as he laid you down on the bed and undressed you, his lips greeting every inch of your bare skin with admiration. You followed, getting rid of the clothes that stood in your way, exploring his toned body with the reverence it deserved. The way his breath hitched when he eased into your hands made any coherence dissolve in your mind.

But Neil could give as good as he got, and he already knew how to work you. So you melted under his fingers. Every touch set you ablaze. Every kiss he left on you made you crave for more. More of this. More of him.

“Neil--…” you begged, bucking your hips, dragging your nails against his shoulders.

The roguish twinkle in his eyes when he crawled up to you made your heart skip a bit. He hovered over you, mesmerized by the view of you falling apart for him that easily.

“Look at you, so eager,” he teased leaning in, a husky voice carrying a smug smile. His teeth grazed your earlobe and a shiver ran down your spine.

“Takes one to kno--...oh fuck,” you panted as his thumb circled your clit, your reaction prompting a hoarse chuckle against your neck. Your hands flew to his hair and you tugged on the blonde strands, tilting his head. A groan built in his throat and it was your turn to let out a pleased laugh. “Stop playing around,” you rasped, hooking one leg over his hip as you sucked on his jaw, the sharp edge that drove you wild your every waking hour. And as your hand wandered impatiently down his body, Neil grabbed it and pinned it over your head, lacing your fingers together.

“Gladly.”

A moan escaped your mouth, taking any last resolve left in you with it. Your eyes fluttered shut. The fire in the pit of your stomach kept rising with every move of his. Even with the pure want overcoming both of you, Neil’s thrusts were slow, almost tantalizingly so, but you didn’t feel the need to ask for more. Not yet. You relished the sensation of his weight on top of you. The way his chest heaved against you. The breath you shared. There was only him. Filling your body. Filling your mind. And, undeniably now, filling your heart, too.

You looked into his eyes.

Your free hand already on the nape of his neck.

The pulse pounding in your ears.

You pulled him closer.

And kissed his lips softly.

Neil gasped breathlessly, his grasp on your hand tightened as his brows furrowed slightly and he kissed you back, athirst, and the pace of your lips matched the rhythm of your bodies instinctively. When you broke the contact, the awestruck look he gave you was filled with so much affection. Tenderness. And absolute devotion, like he would follow you to the end of the world if you asked him to.

You bit back a quiet sob.

And then he let you go and sat on the bed, a sudden lack of his closeness drawing a deprived whimper out of you. He laughed and pulled you into his arms again, and as you straddled his torso, he tucked his long legs under you, nesting you in his embrace perfectly.

The blue eyes wandered around your face and his features softened as he wiped off a single tear rolling down your cheek with his knuckles. Oh. Neil searched your gaze, making sure you were all right, and you smiled, feeling your heart melting a little inside.

His hands slid down your sides to your hips and he lifted you up, helping you position yourself on top of him. You held onto his shoulders, and as you lowered yourself down, taking him in fully, your back arched and your head fell back. You moaned and bit your lip, the pleasure searing your every nerve. God, he felt so good.

Captivated by the view in front of his eyes, by your reaction to him, Neil licked his lips and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer.

His mouth traveled through your chest as you rocked back and forth, gasping when he cupped your breast with his hand and rolled your nipple between his fingers. You tipped his chin to kiss him again, couldn’t get enough of him. You savored his taste. The heat of his body. His scent. Him. Utterly stunning.

The pressure built inside of you, threatening to consume you any moment now. And if the hazed blue eyes could be any indication, Neil wasn’t far behind you, too.

So you slowed down, agonizingly.

The wounded expression on his face was somewhat satisfying.

“...a payback?” he huffed in disbelief.

“Couldn’t resist,” you purred with a wicked grin, enjoying the way he groaned when you started rocking your hips again. He screwed his eyes shut and your name rolled off his tongue. You captured his parted lips in a kiss and kept grinding into him, every move bringing you closer to the release. You closed your eyes, panting frantically, trembling, almost collapsing. But he was there, holding you firmly in his arms, keeping you going.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, pressing his forehead to yours.

Encouragement. Reassurance. But also a statement. And epiphany.

You cried out and the reality shattered as the blissful pleasure rippled through every fiber of your being. Cupping Neil’s face, you kissed him again, riding out your high, feeling he was getting closer to the brink himself. You buried your hands in his hair and tugged at them, rolling your hips and he cursed and moaned, coming into you hard, pulling you to him as close as he could.

When the world stopped spinning and your gazes met, it dawned on you that there was no turning back now. He saw you. And right through you.

And judging by the tender look in his eyes, he rather liked it.

How fortunate.

Because the feeling was very much mutual.

And you weren’t afraid anymore.

------------

The moonlight seeping through the window was slowly gaining warmer undertones. You glanced at the sky visible between the tall buildings - must have been dawning already.

Grunting softly, you turned to the other side, shivering at the sensation of the chilly air against your skin, and you melted at the sight.

The impossibly ruffled blonde hair. The peaceful face, half-planted into a pillow. The gorgeous lines of his arms. The veiny forearms. The watch, still present on his wrist. The hands--...

“You’re staring at me.”

Your gaze flitted back to his face, only to see a corner of his lips twitching into a smile.

You stifled a giggle.

“And what about it?” you teased, propping the chin on your palm.

Neil opened his eyes and a cheeky grin crept on his mouth. “Seems like a good moment to mention that I don’t fold my underwear.”

You couldn’t keep the straight face at the reference and you let out an amused snort.

“Ah, nobody’s perfect,” you said, aiming for the most sympathizing tone.

The playful sparks lit up the blue irises as he grabbed your uninjured hand.

“Come here, you--” he chuckled, pulling you into his arms, entangling your legs together as you laid face to face on his pillow.

He brushed a strand of hair from your forehead, gazing into your eyes fondly.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked, stroking your cheek with his knuckles gently.

“Just woke up,” you said, easing into his touch. ”And got...distracted.”

A knowing hum was enough of a comment.

You slid down a bit and hid your face in the crook of his neck. Neil tightened his embrace and started tracing small patterns on your back. You let out a happy sigh, reveling in his warmth and closeness.

“Am I going to see this side of you more often now?”

“Maybe,” you wondered.

Neil sighed and smacked his tongue. “Such a shame, that obnoxiously angry chick started to grow on me.”

An outraged scoff escaped your mouth.

“Oh, fu--” you started, pulling back to glare at him, but he didn’t let you finish. Cupping your face with his hands mid-curse, he placed a kiss on your lips, deepening it at the sound of your incoherent protests. When you finally kissed him back, you felt him smiling against you, and then you lost yourselves in this little moment of bliss until you ended up breathless.

“You’re perfect,” whispered Neil, nudging your nose with his tenderly.

Your heart sang in your chest as you laughed softly in response, “You’re quite okay yourself.”

He mumbled something about you being insufferable and pinned you into the mattress, climbing on top of you.

“Aren’t you tired?” you gasped as his mouth traveled down your neck.

A throaty chuckle. “Of you?” And a roguish smile. “Impossible, I’m afraid.”

That smug bastard.

You didn’t stand a chance.

You knew you were beyond saving.

...or maybe quite the opposite?

--------

“You’re humming,” noted Ives as you left the HQ together.

You sighed and rolled your eyes at him, wrapping your jacket a little tighter, trying to protect yourself from the cold wind.

“Don’t be absurd.”

He studied you warily.

“I’ve heard what I’ve heard.”

“You should mention that during your next medical then,” you said, arching your brow.

He snorted and punched your arm playfully and you grinned, hitting him back.

“Oi, wanna grab a beer?”

You ran your fingers through your hair, grimacing slightly, suddenly embarrassed.

“I can’t. I--…I have a date,”

His eyes lit up. “A proper date now?” he teased, shaking his head. “You two are a tad backwards, eh?”

You shrugged and smiled, waving at the blonde man on the bottom of the stairs.

“Seems fitting for our line of work, don’t you think?”

---------

“What took you so long?”

“Neil, I swear to god, if you don’t stop asking me that every damn time you lead the blue team--”

“I can ask our boss to demote you and put you back on my squad if you want.”

“I’d rather take that total annihilation instead, please and thank you.”

The Protagonist sighed, joining Ives outside the building.

“Some things never change, huh?” he pondered.

They watched as the bickering couple walked down the street together.

Ives smirked, spotting the joined hands.

“Well, that’s new.”

Wheeler walked up to them. “These two are made for each other, all right.”

TP puffed out his chest slightly.

“I told you so.”

She glanced heavenward, keeping her next thought to herself.

Then she looked at the couple again, just to see a light tug at the olive green scarf.

And a kiss that followed.

She smiled.

Her job was done.

You’re welcome, dumbasses.

-------------------------------------------------------

a/n: I promised you a song.

Here it is.

The song. 

Their song.

Thank you, A.

[bangtann-bangdamn]

Lightning: Part 2

Warnings: Unhappy relationship mentioned, but other than that you should be good to go.

Word Count: 4165

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

AN: I originally wrote Lighting in June 2019. It’s March 2021. Also, I feel like my writing style has changed slightly. If it has - whoops. My bad.

< Part 1

Master list

“Can you get me another beer?” Mark called from the living room.

“Why don’t you get off your ass and go get it yourself?” You yelled back, rolling your eyes as you plunged the plate you were washing back beneath the water. It wasn’t like he was doing anything important.

“I’m in the middle of a – die you motherfucker!” 

You grit your teeth, holding back your retort. As much as you enjoyed Mark’s company, there were days where everything he did, everything he said, frustrated you. Okay, maybe not days. Lately, it has been all the time.

Sure, he was sweet and affectionate when he wanted to be, but ever since you agreed to move in with him a few weeks ago, you felt less like his partner and more like his mother.

‘For all his faults, Yoongi wouldn’t have done this,’ you found yourself thinking. Immediately, you felt guilty. Yoongi was your past. He had broken up with you. He had made that decision, and you had grown to accept it. 

But he also said he missed you. And, no matter how hard you tried to deny it, a small part of you missed him too.

Over and over your encounter with Yoongi replayed in your head. It felt like fate seeing him that day. With the storm raging outside, you had stayed longer than you normally would. All those feelings you thought were gone suddenly resurfaced. You forgot all about the way he would ignore you when he worked, or how he never answered his phone. You forgot all the nights where his side of the bed remained empty. All you could think about was the time you had spent together. Never did he make you feel so small, so insignificant in his life. 

The plate you were scrubbing shattered in your hand. You screamed in frustration as blood began to trickle from your palm. You sighed as you picked up the shards from the washing-up bowl, throwing them in the bin with more force than necessary before grabbing a towel from the side and putting pressure onto the cut. You were trying not to cry but tears still found its way down your cheeks. 

Mark made no effort to call out and check to see if you were okay. He yelled in frustration as he continued to play whatever game he was currently obsessed with, continuing on as if nothing had happened. Most likely, he hadn’t heard your scream. 

It was a sign from the universe, seeing Yoongi that day. A sign that you had made a mistake.

Mark had asked you to move in and you stupidly thought that seeing Yoongi was a sign for you to say yes. But now you knew. You knew that your heart wasn’t in it. Perhaps it never was. 

Mark walked into the kitchen. “Fine, I’ll get the beer myself,” he scoffed, barely noting the red tainted towel wrapped around your hand.

“I can’t do this anymore.” You closed your eyes as you held your breath. 

“Sorry, I won’t ask you to get me one in the future.” Mark walked out of the kitchen without a second glance.

You followed him. “No, you don’t get it. I’m done.” 

Mark sat down on the sofa. “Okay,” he said as he picked up the controller and resumed his game.

You stared at the back of his head as he took a sip of his beer, waiting for him to ask you. But you knew it was futile. Mark would assume you were joking and would give you a few hours to calm down before he would talk to you. Then he would brush away any concern you had with a laugh and tell you you were overreacting again.

You shook your head, deciding that you didn’t want to have this fight. You didn’t want to be told that you were crazy, your feelings unjustified. You didn’t want to feel tired anymore.

You inspected the cut on your hand, quickly determining that it was not deep enough to require stitches. You grabbed the first aid kit from beneath the sink and quickly set to bandaging your hand before walking back into your bedroom. You grabbed your suitcase from under the bed and began packing your things. 

Déjà vu hit you like a freight train. But, unlike with Yoongi, you found that your tears had stopped the moment you had decided to leave. It was a relief not to deal with Mark anymore, as bad as you knew that sounded. But ever since you ran into Yoongi all those weeks ago, things had changed. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t help but compare Mark to Yoongi. How Mark didn’t know you as well as Yoongi had, or how he couldn’t make you smile as easily as Yoongi had. 

Seeing him again reminded you of how hard it was to leave. How much you missed him, despite everything.

And when it came to Yoongi, Mark never really stood a chance. It sounded horrible to admit, but Mark was only ever a distraction. A reason for you to stop thinking about Yoongi.

You rolled your suitcase out of the bedroom and down the hall. At the sound of the wheels rolling across the wooden floor, Mark paused his game to look at you.

“Where are you going?” he asked, looking between the suitcase and you.  

For this, he paused his game, you couldn’t help but think.

“I told you, I’m done.”

By the time you sat down on the bus, you were sweating slightly. It was a little from the humidity that still clung to the early evening air that had made the walk almost impossible. But mostly it was because of the panic that had settled in the pit of your stomach. 

What if you had made an impulsive decision? What if Mark was the one and you just left him? 

You were leaving him on what your heart wanted: Yoongi. But now that your mind had a chance to catch up, it screamed at you. Yoongi might have moved on, or he might not have changed. Sure Mark wasn’t the easiest to get along with, but he was there. He came to bed every evening. He ate dinner with you every evening. He replied to texts an-

Your phone started ringing. Mark. You stared down at the screen for a moment, wondering what he could possibly have to say to you before you declined the call. Almost immediately, Mark called again. So you switched it off.

It took you almost an hour to get to Hwasa’s house. You could feel your nose burning with unshed tears as you knocked on her door. She answered the door on your fourth knock. She had her phone wedged between her ear and shoulder, accessing you before she spoke.

“Haven’t seen her, Mark,” she said, nodding her head at you to follow. She moved back into the house as you let yourself in, closing the door behind you. You left your suitcase at the bottom of the stairs as you kicked off your shoes and followed Hwasa into the living room. She was sprawled out on the sofa rolling her eyes at whatever Mark was saying on the other end of the phone. You took a seat on the armchair beside her.

“I’m telling you, Mark, I don’t know where she is. Now if you excuse me, my pizza is here.” She hung up, rolling her eyes. “You broke up with Mark?” She raised her brow at you as she tossed her phone down beside her.

“Yeah?” You played with your hands in your lap, avoiding Hwasa’s gaze.

“About time,” Hwasa muttered, grabbing the remote from the coffee table and turning the TV on.

“Wait, I thought you liked Mark?”

“I do. But anyone with eyes could see that you weren’t happy.”

You frowned. “I thought I was happy.”

“I know. That’s why I didn’t say anything.” Hwasa leant forward, placing her hand on your knee. “It’s the duty of a best friend to know when to say something. And when to bite her tongue. I knew you were unhappy, but I also knew you were heartbroken. You needed to date Mark to heal, to get over Yoongi.”

“Oh.” You tucked your feet beneath you as you turned your attention to the TV. The news was playing, detailing some study a university was doing into attraction.  

“Oh? Oh god, don’t tell me that you broke up with Mark to go back to Yoongi?”

“Not exactly...”

“Are you stupid? He broke you. Or did you conveniently forget the month and a half you spent locked up in here barely eating and crying your eyes out because he didn’t even call? Even Mark called.”

“Yoongi works differently, you know that. He won’t tell you how he feels, he’ll-”

“Write you a song. I remember your anniversary present.”

You smiled at the thought. For your first anniversary, Yoongi made you a CD. He wouldn’t tell you what songs he had put on there, but when you had listened you knew. He had asked a friend to sing the chorus, whilst he had rapped the verses. There was something about the way he rapped, so confident and quick in his deep voice, that had you downloading it onto your phone and listening to it whenever you could.

“I miss him,” you admitted softly. 

“I know. But does he miss you? He might say he does, but…” She left her words hanging in the air.

As much as you hated to admit it, you knew she was right. Yoongi made his feelings known through music. If he wanted you, there would be a song. 

And in the year since you left, there was none. It was hard to argue against the concrete facts.

So why did it feel like you had just broken up all over again?

Yoongi was nervous. Well, maybe nervous wasn’t the right word. 

Terrified. He was terrified.

After writing his song, he had asked Namjoon for his opinion. Namjoon had been lost for words – literally and metaphorically. He had thought the song was perfect, yet Yoongi felt like something was missing. Only, no matter how many times he listened to the song, he couldn’t put a finger on what it was. He had managed to persuade his company to give him a few extra weeks to work on it, to make it perfect. But no matter how many times he tinkered with it; the song just didn’t seem right.

He shook his head to clear his mind. It was a little too late for that now. In the end, he had to hand it over; he had wasted enough time. Now, nearly three months after he had written it, he sat in the green room of the radio station. 

“Yoongi, are you ready?” The producer beckoned him to follow. 

Yoongi nodded, rising to his feet slowly.

It wasn’t his first radio interview, nor would it be his last. But it was the first time a radio station was debuting one of his songs live on air. 

You might be listening to this. You might hear this song. You might hear him. 

He wasn’t sure if the idea of you hearing his song made him want to jump off a cliff or jump for joy. All he knew for certain was that he was out of time.

Every day since you left, Mark had made the point of visiting you at work.

“I can’t talk to you right now.” You continued to fill the dishwasher, not bothering to look back at Mark as you spoke. “What part of ‘I’m at work’ do you not understand?”

“You won’t answer my calls.” 

You placed the last cup in the dishwasher. “We broke up. I don’t need to answer your calls.” You closed the dishwasher, grabbing a cloth and began wiping down the counters. The counters didn’t need to be wiped down - Hwasa had taken care of them just before Mark had walked in. But Mark didn’t know that. And you were determined to do anything to make it look like you were busy.

“No. You decided that we had to break up and haven’t listened to a word I’ve tried to say.” 

You grit your teeth as you continued to wipe down the counter. You were pretty sure you gave him several reasons why you didn’t want to be with him anymore – namely that he treated you like some glorified slave.

“You’re still here?” Hwasa raised her brow at you as she walked back behind the counter and pointedly stared at Mark. “Can you seriously not take a hint?”

“This is none of your business, Hwasa.”

“You are scaring off my customers, which makes it my business. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to be with you, so why don’t you listen to her for once and fuck off.” 

Mark stared at Hwasa, eyes boring into her intensely. Then, without another word, he left. The sound of the bell ringing filled the shop, only the murmur of the radio and the few patrons who weren’t scared off by Mark left to fill the silence.

“I have changed my mind about him. He’s a dick.” Hwasa shook her head as she watched Mark storm away from the shop.

“Finally.” You rolled your eyes dramatically with a giggle. 

“How can a bloke come across so nice and then be an absolute twat?”

“Maybe you should ask Mark.” You leant against the counter, watching as Hwasa walked over to the radio.

“If I ever have to talk to that child again, it will be too soon.” She played with the dial as she searched for a station. Hwasa moved through the stations quickly, only waiting long enough to hear what music was playing before skipping to the next. You turned to clean the counter, mind already tuning out the sound until-

“Now, Yoongi-” a voice crooned out before Hwasa was onto the next station. 

You dropped the rag you were using and turned to Hwasa. “Wait, go back!”

Hwasa looked at you for a second, contemplating your words, before reluctantly dialling the station backwards.

“It’s an impressive feat, I must say. To write about such heartbreak with such love,” the female radio presenter was saying.

“I don’t know if I would describe it as love,” The male presenter said with a chuckle. “Isn’t the whole point of the song to tell this girl that the last time you saw her was your lightning strike, your realisation that it was over. That you weren’t in love with her?” 

“Not at all. Seeing her again… It’s like we were never apart. Lightning coursed through my body and told me that I made a mistake. Truly, I did. I thought I was doing her a favour, breaking it off. I thought I was holding her back. That she was holding me back… But she made me better.”

“Wow, Yoongi. That’s quite the sentiment. What would you say if she was here, right now?” The female presenter asked.

“I… I would probably tell her how stupid I am. But none of that matters now. She’s moved on. I can’t go back to the past and change things. I just have to move on.”

Hwasa placed a hand on your arm, jolting you back to reality. You stared at her blankly as Yoongi and the two presenters continued to talk on the radio behind you. You couldn’t take in a word they were saying, only what he had said. 

He publicly admitted he was - had - dated someone. Live on air. Either he had just admitted something he shouldn’t have and thus would be in massive trouble with the company or...

She’s moved on.

Your heart squeezed in your chest. 

“Hey.” Hwasa tapped your arm, mouth open as if to continue her sentence but quickly closed when the radio presenter suddenly announced over the opening chords-

“And now, the song that we know will be at the top of the charts in no time, Lightning by Min Yoongi.”

The opening chords were slow; sweetly interlocked together on the piano. Yoongi’s deep sultry voice began to lazily rap. Slowly it built until a loud clap of thunder and silence filled the room for a beat, Yoongi’s breath consuming the airwaves. Then the music kicked back in; faster and more urgent than before and Yoongi’s rapping about you. 

You.

His panic over watching you leave.

His pain at not calling you, not telling you he didn’t want you to leave.

And his love.

For you.

By the time the song ends, and the presenters were speaking and thanking Yoongi for his time, you had tears in your eyes.

Hwasa pulled you into a hug, murmuring, ‘I know’ as she rubbed your back. 

Because there it was, clear as day. Yoongi had wanted you; he just couldn’t find the words. But now he was prepared to let you go, let a better man have you. 

Except there was no better man. 

You only wanted Yoongi.

Yoongi all but collapsed as he sat down in the car. He didn’t know how to feel anymore. He just felt empty. 

He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he had dreamt of you calling him after the song played. Of seeing your face flash once more on his phone screen; hearing your voice as you told him what you loved about the song. 

But his phone remained quiet in his pocket. 

Namjoon had warned him of this. Of letting himself hope.

After he played the song for Namjoon, after the initial excitement had waned, Namjoon had turned to Yoongi with a sombre expression. 

“Yoongi hyung,” Namjoon said softly as he placed a hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. “Are you sure you’re really ready to let her go?”

“Of course.”

Namjoon frowned. “Are you sure about that?”

“Namjoon, what are you trying to say? Just say it already.”

“I don’t think you’re as ready to let her go as you think you are.” He leant back in his seat. “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

Yoongi had promised him that he expected nothing from you, but clearly, he had been lying. 

By the time the car returned him to the dorm, Yoongi had schooled his features to remain stoic. He knew he needed to hide his disappointment from the rest of his group, especially as he had overheard Jimin’s plans to surprise him upon his return. He didn’t feel like celebrating, but he also didn’t want to explain why he had a sudden desire to retreat to his bed and not come out for a few days. 

He opened the door slowly, expecting Taehyung or Jungkook to blast him with confetti the moment he stepped through the door. 

He was met with silence.

“Hello?” Yoongi called out as he took off his shoes. He was shrugging off his jacket when you appeared from the door.

“Hi.”

Yoongi froze, one arm still in his jacket. “What are you doing here?” He continued taking his jacket off, more to avoid your gaze than anything else. 

“I heard you on the radio.” You tentatively stepped towards him. “It was beautiful, Yoongi.”

He heard the crack in your voice as you said his name. He wanted to tell you he didn’t mean it; he still loved you. Always had, always would. But, just like that god awful night, the words wouldn’t come to him. He stood in the entry of the dorm, unable to look at you; unable to say a word and it hit him. He was doing it again.

You laughed awkwardly. “I don’t know why I came. I just wanted to tell you that.” You made to grab your shoes, but Yoongi stepped in front of you.

“What did Mark think?”

“Mark?” 

“Yeah.”

“I... don’t know…” you admitted softly. Yoongi stepped to the side, allowing you to grab your shoes. 

He still refused to look at you, so you took the moment to observe his profile, noting the sharp, tense line of his jaw. 

“You probably shouldn’t come here again.” Yoongi finally looked at you, searching your face for something. Anything that could help him finally get over you. “I doubt Mark would appreciate you turning up at your ex’s.” Yoongi stepped further into the dorm, all but telling you that he was done with the conversation.

It wasn’t what he wanted to say. It was a reminder to himself that you were taken. That he couldn’t just lean down and capture your lips like he so desperately wanted. So he needed to remove himself from your presence.

“We broke up.”

Yoongi stopped walking, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.

“Mark and I… I left him.” You took a shaky breath to settle your nerves. You hadn’t planned on him. Then again, you had never planned to leave him in the first place. You closed your eyes and turned towards the door. “I’m sorry for bothering you.” You opened the door and stepped out into the hall. 

Yoongi was frozen as his mind raced to comprehend your words. 

We broke up… I left him…

It couldn’t be a coincidence. Turning up after hearing his song, after hearing him tell the world he was still in love with you. And that he was ready to move on. 

The click of the door closing brought him back to the present. He hurried to follow you.

You were halfway down the hall. 

“I didn’t mean it.” He called after you. “I’m not ready to move on. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.” He slowly made his way towards you. “I shouldn’t have let you leave. Fuck, I shouldn’t have said we should go on a break in the first place. I was just feeling… inadequate. Like you didn’t need me around.” He stopped a little bit behind you and swallowed down his fear. You needed to hear this. “When I told you the agency wouldn’t let you come on tour with us and you didn’t react, I felt like I didn’t matter to you as much as you mean to me. Because I fought for you to come on tour for… I don’t even know how long. Then I come home to break the news to you and… nothing. I thought you were going to leave me so I thought taking a break would help but…” Yoongi took a deep breath. “I have never regretted something as much as that night.”

You blinked away the tears that were forming. “Do you want to know why I didn’t react, Yoongi?” You turned to face him. “Because I was used to it. Used to coming home to an empty apartment, waking up to an empty bed. Spending weeks alone because you had some project going on that you had to work on. It was going to be hard, but I was used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be.” Yoongi shook his head. “Shit, I hadn’t…”

“Considered that?” You nodded slowly.

“Yeah. I thought about calling you every single day.”

“Why didn’t you?” You stepped forward once more. “Why didn’t you call me, Yoongi?” A tear slipped down your cheek. 

“I didn’t know what to say,” he admitted softly. 

“I didn’t need to hear you say anything, Yoongi. I just needed to know you cared.” Your phone chimed in your pocket. You stepped away from Yoongi. “I should go.”

You turned, but Yoongi caught your hand. “I can’t watch you walk away from me again.” His voice cracked, but he didn’t care. “I love you. Always have, always will. If you don’t feel the same way… If after everything that’s happened is too much or… or you don’t…” He closed his eyes. “Then I’ll learn to love you less. It’ll take time, but I’d try.”

“You could have said that.”

“What?”

You smiled, lacing your fingers with him. “That you love me. That would have been enough.” You leant up and placed a kiss on his lips. He relaxed in your embrace, leaning his forehead against yours when you pulled away. 

“Then let me say it loud and clear.” He pulled away from you slightly and kissed your forehead. “I.” Then your cheek. “Love.” Then the other. “you.” Finally, he kissed you with some force pulling your body up against his as he deepened the embrace. You wove your fingers through his hair as you lost yourself in him, in the familiarity of it all. 

Despite the time you had lost, the time you had spent apart, the feeling that flooded your body was like coming home. It was sharp and sparked through your body like lightning lighting up the night sky and you knew, in that moment, there was truly no other man in the world who could make you feel like this.

[jessefandomunited]

This day is going to be perfect part 1

~When the reader , who’s had a long time crush on Spencer, finds out Cat Adams is getting out of Prison on parole and wanting to talk to Spencer, she can’t help but be a bit suspicious.~

This fic was inspired by the song “ This day is going to be perfect” - MLP. enjoy

tag list: @raggabashie​

It had been about two years since I started working at the BAU and i’ve loved all of it, even the sad and stressful parts. It makes me feel like I am making an impact on the world around me . Also my coworkers being a second family is great too.  We don’t get along all the time , I mean who does, but in the end we know we still love each other and have each others back and that’s the most important thing. Now while I do enjoy the company of all my coworkers one does stand out and his name is Spencer Reid. He’s kind, considerate , and goes above and beyond to try and figure out what each of us like and how we communicate best and he uses that to become closer friends with us. I think i’ve been falling for him since I met him. We’ve hung out a lot with others and by ourselves. I find it easy to talk to him and I love to just listen to him ramble on and on about any subject. I’ve fallen asleep next to him on the plane , I’ve cried in front of him and with him on many occasions. He’s my best friend, and I think that’s why I have been hesitant on telling him my feelings. I knew his rough past with girls and I wasn’t sure if he himself was ready for a new relationship. I could ask him , but then what if our relationship changed and he didn’t want to hang out as much. I just want to make him happy and I think right now the best thing I could do was be his friend, or at least that was what I thought.

I walked into the office a bit late. I worked along side Penelope almost as a second pair of hands when the request got too intense. In my down time I was often filling out paperwork and filing , pretty much anything no one else wanted to do. Still, I enjoyed it. “ I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED,” Penelope babbled pulling me over to the meeting room. “ What is it,” I asked confused. “ Cat Adams,” Penelope said and my fist instinctively clenched, Cat Adams not only targeted Penelope and was trying to kill her , but she had this weird flirtationship with Spencer while he was trying to lock her up. After a lot of trouble she was put in prison but apparently something happened with that. “ What about her,” I almost spat out. “ She’s being released on parole,” Penelope said nervously . “ WHAT NO,” I yelled as we entered in. “ She’s apparently been a model prisoner, helping any chance she gets and even gave the names of some notorious murderers. she’s asking for something though,” Hotch explained looking up as we sat down, “ Shes wanting to talk to Spencer.” I looked over at him scared, “ You’re not going to go are you?” He sighed and shrugged , “ she just wanted to talk and there are going to be guards there , I’ll be safe.” “No no way in hell i’m going too,” I offered but Spencer shook his head, “ listen I can do this, this will be done and over with a lot quicker if I just face her myself.” Everyone exchanged a nervous glance but agreed.

I was pacing around the file room jamming files in a bit more aggressively than normally I should have just gone , maybe secretly gone , I just don’t trust that Cat has become this fantastic model prisoner with all she has done. I kicked one of the files and clenched my fist tightly, then immediately sat down and began breathing deeply. I had some problems with anger in the past, it would boil over and cause all sorts of problems but with some therapy, that I never told anyone about, I was able to work past it and find some techniques that would help me calm down when I was getting overwhelmed.  I imaged a wave slowly flowing down my body , relaxing every muscle. “ Maybe she has changed,” I told myself, “ and nothing will come of this anyways , Spencer is much too focused on his work and too smart to fall for any of her tricks.” My shoulders relaxed and I slowly stood up, everything would be just fine, everything would go right back to the way it was, I knew it. “ Hey….you okay,”a tentative voice asked making me jump, it was Penelope. “ Yeah i’m just….thinking,” I didn’t know how to even begin to explain how worried I was. “ Yeah...me too,” She said beginning to rub her hand. “He’s smart,” I said relaying my inner thoughts to her, “ he’s smarter than her.” She nodded , “yeah I know but still I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is wrong here. “ Me too,” I sighed leaning against one of the files, “ but there really isn’t much she can do, I mean, there are guards there and if she is found doing anything remotely bad shes thrown right back in prison.” Penelope nodded more decidedly,” yes we have nothing to worry about.” I nodded halfheartedly and repeated, “ nothing to worry about.

[sarcastic-sunshines]

She’s Mine Part 1

Author’s Note:  This is my submission for @chaneajoyyy​ & @shaekingshitup​ ‘s Quarantine Challenge. It was just what I needed and I am so grateful for both you lovely ladies doing this. I hope you all are staying indoors and staying. As always, I cannot wait to hear what you think 😊

P.S. I was inspired by the song She’s Mine Part 1 by J Cole

Pairing: Erik Killmonger x [Black Reader]

Quarantine Writing Challenge Masterlist

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She’s Mine Part 1

“You’ve made so much progress over the past few months.”

Erik lifted his head, finally making eye contact with his therapist.

Here he was.

He never saw himself making it this far. He had asked for one thing: death. But here he was, spending most of his days listening to this woman and his family, trying to repair the inner turmoil that had been building his entire existence. 

Erik stared intensely at the woman before turning and looking at his ‘family’ around the room. They seemed happy, they always did. But this time, they showed a look of accomplishment. They believed in the progress that he apparently had made. He didn’t. He could see the benefit, though he wasn’t ready to call them family yet. Nonetheless, he thought he understood them all better. But he wasn’t ready to open up fully yet. He didn’t think he would ever be ready.

“If you ever need more than the weekly sessions, I can make myself available to you, Prince Erik.” He nodded slowly. The title still sounded foreign to his ears.

The therapist got up and left. Not long after Queen Mother and the Princess followed her out, but T’Challa stayed, waiting for his cousin to say anything.

“Are you alright,” he said, tired of waiting.

“I’m good,” Erik spoke. He observed the gentle face staring at him. “It don’t matter how many sessions we have. I’m gonna need time to adjust to this, my new normal.” T’Challa had a way of getting him to open up with little effort. The man always appeared so trusting, and a little piece of him wanted to fully trust him. But he knew better than to do that. So he would slowly let the man in. 

Slowly but surely.

“I know it is strange. That is why I think throwing yourself into a project will help you acclimate better.”

“Yeah,” he responded while  leaning back into the chair, “what you got me doing?” 

“Shuri is working on something for the kids in the center. I think you would be interested. It is a long term project that you will get to present in about nine months. I think it is enough time to decide where you would like to be. Here… Or America.” T’Challa stood, waiting for Erik to do the same. “Though I will admit cousin, as difficult as it had been for us, I have enjoyed your time here, and I personally would love it if you stay.” With that, T’Challa turned to walk out the room, leaving Erik behind. He needed a moment before he started walking towards his own chambers. 

His cousin’s question made him think about where he wanted to be. He hadn’t thought he would make it this far. He wasn’t sure what to do with this ‘second chance at life’. That’s what the therapist called it. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted it. Until he figured that out, he was back to surviving. He didn’t know what living felt like. He hadn’t for a long time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The music was blaring. The heavy afrobeat tempo bounced off the walls of the lab as he entered, but he didn’t mind. He looked around at the different lab coats busily passing through the lab, working on what he could only describe as greatness.

That’s when he first saw her.

Her large afro puff pushed away from the deep umber complexion of her face. Her glasses sat low on her nose as she was solving some equation on the holographic board. Her lab coat hung tight on her curves that were impossible to miss. She was glowing. She had to be! How else could he explain why he was so drawn to her.

Her concentration broke away from the board as she surveilled the room for a moment. Briefly, her eyes connected with his. It only had been an instant, but in that instant, he knew. He had felt more within his soul than he had in months. Shuri quickly drew him away from the moment as she waved with rhythm, trying to get her cousin’s attention. 

“I am so excited you are here! I think you will love what we are working on,” she said, already moving towards her work table.

“Your brother said it’s basically like mini kimoyo beads.”

“Exactly. Of course, more limited than the ones Wakandan Citizens have, but this will help the kids with any of their needs! From school to housing, and even letting the Outreach coordinators know if a child is in trouble.”

“I like that, so what do you want me to do?” he asked as Shuri handed him a clipboard.

“Well, your fancy American degree leads me to believe that being the head of something like this would be right up your ally. And of course, your life experience lets me know a sense of empathy will be included as well,” she said with a small smile.

He nodded at her, and though he didn’t return the smile, Shuri could see the warmth in his eyes. Despite everything, she knew Erik liked her. She would catch him snickering at her jokes every once in a while, and it made her feel like she was doing something right. And she was. Erik could admit that watching Shuri’s enthusiasm for life was something worth seeing. It made him feel warm on the inside, and instinctively protective over her. Which showed how far they had come, considering how they had met. 

“And here is your team.” Shuri gestured to five individuals who lifted their heads to work and wave at the prince. “I will let you get to know them on your own time, but you will be working closely with y/n.” 

And just like that, the woman who had captured his attention when he entered stood in front of him, Her smile was wide as she stuck her hand out for him to shake. “ Y/n originally came up with the idea and has been leading it alongside me. I think you will both get along. She is easily one of my favourite people,” Shuri continued to praise y/n, who Erik had finally focused enough to shake hands with. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Erik” he stuttered out and internally winced. What was happening to him?

“I know”, y/n said, still smiling. She never broke eye contact, and it was as if she was seeing into his soul. “From what Shuri has said about you, I think you will be a great fit for what we have already started.”

“Alright. I’m excited to get to know you,” he said smoothly, his charm slowly returning. He made it obvious he was taking her full form in, and he could see she was doing the exact same thing. He didn’t mind at all. “Why don’t you introduce me to everyone, and then show me the layout.” 

And with that, her work mode turned on. Erik found himself struggling to catch up as he trailed behind her around the lab. He tried to stay focus and soak up everything she was saying, but it never took long for his mind to focus on everything else about her but the safety guidelines she was currently reading out. He could tell already, there was a fire in every aspect of her. He was so intrigued by her, more than ready to explore this fire, hoping he wouldn’t get burned along the way.

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MONTH 1

If there was one thing Erik loved about Wakanda, it was the landscape. The natural beauty of the land was really like no other. So every day, during his lunch he would climb a hill where a few benches were littered and eat while enjoying the beauty before him. It seemed like a remote spot, so he was always able to enjoy peace and quiet. Especially knowing his next meal would be a much louder family dinner.

He didn’t mind family dinner, but he was for sure not used to it. The idea of sitting at a table where everyone shared their days and inside jokes was one he never saw himself being included in. At only one foster home did he ever eat at the table with everyone else, but it was always dead quiet. Laughter rarely filled that table. But here, among his ‘family’, laughter was a requirement. He still found himself feeling like an outsider despite the few chuckles he had been able to let out.

So at lunch, he appreciated the serenity of the hill as he prepared himself for not only the rest of the day but also his attempt to join the laughter.

He began to chew slowly, placing his book to the side when he could hear the muffled version of someone’s music. So much for a quiet lunch, he said to himself. He took a large bite thinking that if he ate quicker he could leave quicker. He felt a presence, but he didn’t turn until the person was sitting right next to him. 

The irritated face Erik originally had turned with had disappeared as soon as he saw y/n sitting next to him ever so casually.

“I thought I was the only one who liked sitting up here,” she said pulling out her packed lunch while stealing glances at Erik.

“Guess not,” he said finally. “ It is quiet up here, almost -”

“Serene,” she said, finishing his sentence before looking at him with a smile. He nodded slowly, with the smallest smile growing on his face. He liked y/n. After working with her for the better part of the month, he admired how confident and sure of herself she always was. When she looked at him, he felt her trying to understand him, even with the very little that he offered.

“Exactly, how come I haven’t seen you out here before? Actually, I never see you leave the lab. I was starting to think you were one of the robots that Shuri is always working on,” he said, taking another bite as y/n giggled at his comment. He almost felt proud of himself for getting her to laugh. 

“I am just a perfectionist. I really want this project to go well. It is like my baby.” she said looking out at the landscape, before turning to him. “But how ironic you say that, considering you are always the last one to leave the lab and the first one there in the morning.”

“Yeah well, you’re not the only one who wants this to work out. Shuri was right. My heart is in it. I didn’t want it to be, but it’s hard not to think about all the kids whose lives could be even a little better than mine.”  Y/n stared into his eyes the whole time he spoke. 

“I understand,” she said softly, and without thinking, she placed her hand on his knee. He stared at the hand for a moment. He didn’t want to admit but it was comforting. One thing he had noticed about working with y/n was that she had a way of making everyone feel like they had known each other for decades. Her presence always brought a sense of familiarity and Erik didn’t realize how much he loved it until this moment.

“So what does the prince do when he isn’t spending all his time testing out prototypes?” she said breaking the comfortable silence they had been basking in.

“I don’t know yet. Y’all don’t really play basketball out here.”

“Have you tried football?” “You mean soccer?” he asked, making y/n roll her eyes, “ I do. T’Challa tries to take me every once in a while but I don’t know if I like playin’ as much as watchin’.”

“Well if you like watching, I always need someone who is willing to watch the Premiere league with me. Wakandans are very patriotic, and that even comes to football, they only watch their own league,”  she explained 

“So you’re not patriotic?”

“I am. I just also enjoy the beautiful game of football as the international treasure that it is,” she said with a slight glare, her smile still painted on her face. “Besides, we can work on some of that paperwork that goes along with American projects as we watch.”

They both began to pack up their lunch as she waited for his answer. Since Erik had gotten here, he hadn’t made any friends, let alone been invited to activities outside of work. He was used to keeping to himself, and he liked it. But there was something about this woman that made him feel like he couldn’t get enough of her. So he ignored the voice in his head telling him to say he was busy and nodded his head. 

“A’ight, I’ll come, but you gotta watch a Warriors game with me,” he said. 

“That is fine, but just know I am a Clippers fan,” she said with a smirk. Erik stopped for a moment, he couldn’t lie, he was a little shocked she watched the NBA at all. Basketball fans were not that many in Wakanda, and he had only found a few.

“What?! They not even the best team in LA,” he said, catching himself smiling.

“That is not what is important here! I grew up a Clippers fan, so they are the best team to me.”

“Now who was out here teachin’ you the wrong thing,” Erik asked as they walked down the hill.

“My father. He was a war dog stationed in Los Angeles. He used to say his favourite thing to do on his mission was to go to Clippers game, especially when they played the Lakers, so you can take that up with him when you see him,” she said with a giggle.

“Shit, I might just have to,” he said with a low chuckle to match her laugh. He stared at her as she kept talking. This was the most comfortable he had felt since waking up. When they reached the bottom of the hill, he realized he didn’t want the moment to end. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MONTH 3

“Okay, try this.” She held a spoon full up to his mouth. He stared at the spoon for a second before giving. He chewed for a moment before moaning in satisfaction. 

“Damn, that’s good. It tastes like collard greens,” he said, watching y/n serving him a plate of the vegetable.

“Because it is. It is called Sukuma, and its what we are going to eat with the Ugali.” She finished serving them both before placing both plates on her dining table. Meanwhile, Erik worked hard to not get lost staring at the roundness of her curves. So, as usual, he focused on the artwork on her walls, vibrant colours that matched the equally vibrant decor inside y/n’s home. 

The first time he came over, he felt like he learned more about her just from her home. She smiled more when they were here, and she always seemed more relaxed. Erik enjoyed her the most here and recognized her home as her comfort zone. Her curls always went up into the tidiest bun she could manage at the time, and her work clothes were replaced with a pair of leggings or shorts with a crop top. If the Clippers were playing, she would bring out her jersey just to annoy Erik. And each time he would feign annoyance, just to stop himself from saying how sexy he actually thought she looked.

Each week, she would introduce him to new Wakandan cuisine and they would talk endlessly about nothing. Sometimes the conversation got deeper than nothing. He talked about his father, and his experiences after as he bounced through different foster homes. He learned that her mother was a Somali-American who her father had met while stationed in LA. After she passed when y/n was five, her father brought her back to Wakanda, and she hadn’t been back since. Knowing that made Erik more comfortable with his own confusing identity.

As usual, they moved to the couch where they let the effects of their food coma take over their bodies. Erik had learned quickly that y/n loved physical touch. Even if it was in the most subtle of gestures like their knees touching. After a heavy meal like the one, they just had, y/n head was always found resting against his shoulder as they watched a sports game. They had started to show each other their favourite films. 

Tonight y/n had convinced him into watching Beyond the Lights, Erik watched y/n face as she felt every emotion that Noni Jean portrayed through her screen. 

“I see you,” she whispered.

“What?”

“I see you. It’s like the overall theme of the film. To have a love so deep, so soulful, that they see all of you.” At this point, y/n had sat up and was looking at Erik intensely. And Erik was looking back at her, feeling every word she was saying. “Your fears, your insecurities, your wants and needs, aspirations, all of it. That type of love is so deep and intentional.”

“You ever had that type of love before?” Erik asked meekly, as they sat facing each other now.

“I always thought I did, but I don’t know, sometimes you just feel a connection, and I think at that moment you begin to feel it.” She broke eye contact for a moment to look at her leg, where Erik’s arm had been soothingly passing for about a minute.

“It’s like…”

“It just clicks in that exact moment, and you just know everything and anything.” His voice grew deeper as he finished her sentence. It had been like this for the past two months. Sometimes the conversations would get so deep, they felt the energy. It would take over his whole body, but the fear of opening up like that would make him pull away.

But not this time. He knew with all his being that he didn’t want to pull away. So he moved his hand from her knee to cup her face softly.

“Clarity. That’s what that is,” she said softly as she closed the space in between them. Erik met her halfway. They were so close, he could feel her breath on his lips. “I see you.”

The gentle declaration was all he needed to finally capture her lips in his. 

It felt like they had been in this space before. He didn’t feel like he was learning her body, but rather that he was being reintroduced to the curves he had been admiring from afar. Her lips on his body was a sensation that he had been anticipating for a while. His hands on her hips felt like home, and he hadn’t had that in a long time. Their bodies connecting was a moment he wanted to just live in forever.

Her little snores were a comforting sound as she laid on his chest. His hand slowly passed on her bareback, and it was then he realized that he felt alive, had something to look forward to.

With that thought, he kissed her head and finally turned off his mind and let sleep take him. It was the best sleep he had had in months. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MONTH 5 

Y/n looked over Erik’s shoulder as he focused on the long legal document that sat in front of him. He had been reading through it for the better part of the night. She pulled the chair next to him and rested her chin on his shoulder. He turned for a moment to kiss her before going back to highlighting.

“You have been looking at this all night. I thought you came over to spend time with me,” she pouted as she spoke. His arm came around her, slowly creeping under her shirt.

“I’m sorry, baby, you know how it is. Once I start, I can’t put it down.” He turned off the holographic document and turned his full attention to her. “But I’m all yours now, what are we doing?” 

She kissed him again, trying to center him, but she could tell he was still thinking about whatever he was working on. “Do you want to share with me what you are reading about?”

Erik stopped for a moment, hesitant to share. She lifted his head so they could hold eye contact.

“It’s the Foster Care Regulation in the state of California. I’m just tryin’ to see if there’s a way the center can take in these kids instead of them being thrown around the system.”

“Because you know you can do a better job than the current system?” she asked, he nodded along with her question.

“I just know what it’s like, and if I can help even just one kid, then this would be worth it. Giving them food and safe place ain’t shit if they’re being shuffled around every couple months.” As always, she nodded along as he spoke, acknowledging every word he was saying, and the words he was afraid to say. “I hear you,” she said softly, and with those simple words, he felt like his ideas were sane. “I am sure we can look into more when we go for the launching of the beads. I’m excited you know.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course, I get to see places that I haven’t been able to go since I was a little girl. Probably visit all the parts of the city that my parents loved so much. And, of course, see all the places that created my Erik,” she said gripping his chin, his smile exposing the golden grill that she loved so much.  

Y/n kissed him softly before continuing. “After your cousin opened the border for Wakandans, I promised that I would only go back if I had something to give to my people. Now the months are getting closer and it’s becoming so real, you know?” He loved how excited she looked.

“You ever thought about moving back, like living there?”

“I don’t think so… Wakanda is home at this point. I want my life to be here.” She paused for a moment before looking at him doubtingly. “Are you thinking of going back to Oakland?” “It’s a possibility.” 

“Meaning?”

“Look, I never knew how long I was gon’ stay. I just knew I needed to learn this side of me, and I did. Oakland’s home though. It’s familiar to me. And if I wanna get this alternative foster care system off the ground, I’m gon’ wanna be there. There ain’t nothing holding me here anyways.”

Y/n’s eyes opened wide. He could see the hurt he caused and immediately felt bad “Really, not one reason for you to even consider staying?”

“Baby...you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

She didn’t wait for him to finish before getting up and walking towards her room. All he heard was the slam of her door to know she was pissed. These were the moments Erik wasn’t ready for yet: the attachment part, where he had to consider someone else. He knew what he said was rude, but a little piece of him needed to know he could be without her. There was a strange comfort in knowing that. At least that’s what he told himself as he packed his things to go home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MONTH 6

Family dinner was extra loud today, and that’s because Erik had joined. His boisterous voice was finally being heard in the dining hall. Most importantly, his laughter. He was with his family, six months ago, he didn’t think he could say that without feeling strange about it. But here he was, listening and laughing.

“Oh, by the way, Erik, can I give you this folder to give y/n?” Shuri asked casually. “I’ve barely seen her at the lab.”

And Erik knew why. She was avoiding him. It was obvious. They had barely spoken since his comment. Not that she hadn’t tried, but things just grew awkward. Erik missed her though. Even when she was around, he could tell she was withdrawn, probably doing what he too was trying to do.

Protecting his heart.

“Uh yeah, I’ll bring it to her later on,” he said, retreating back into his hard shell. The only one who seemed to have noticed was T’Challa, who didn’t have a problem sharing his concern as they walked down the long palace halls.

“So are things okay with you and y/n?”

“Yeah? Why you asking?”

“Because you’ve been showing up to dinner more often,” T’Challa said with a smirk that made Erik roll his eyes.

“Yeah, well, things have been different. I mentioned going back to Oakland and she got all up in her feelings.” T’Challa frowned for a second before steadying his face.

“So you decided to go? I didn’t know you had already made a decision. I was getting used to having you here, cousin.”

“I haven’t decided shit. She just thinks we’re a unit. But I need to figure out what’s best for me. Ain’t that what I was supposed to be doing,” he said much more aggressively than he intended.

“That is somewhat true, but I also know you have been acting like you are a ‘unit’. You practically were living together,” T’Challa said jokingly, making Erik kiss his teeth. “I also know since you started seeing y/n, you have become a much different person than who you were six months ago. I can’t say she is the cause of it all, but you and I know she played a larger role.”

Erik stopped and leaned on the wall, looking at the folder under his arm. He knew his cousin was right, and he hated it.

“I think you are just afraid of the love and stability she offers. We both know you haven’t had that in a long time, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of it.” 

Erik nodded for a second. He spun his ring for a moment before leaving the wall. “I gotta go. I’ll catch you later,” he said walking in the opposite direction from T’Challa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a large bang on the door. It startled y/n who had been meditating. It seemed like she had been needing a sense of peace more than usual. There was another bang on the door, followed by Erik yelling. “Baby! I know you in there!”

She slowly got up from her spot on the ground and found Erik standing on the other side looking much meeker than he had sounded only a moment ago. Slowly, his eyes traveled down her body before he cleared his throat to speak.

“Shuri said to bring this to you,” he said thrusting the folder in her hand. She looked down at it with a frown.

“Is that the only reason you came here?”

“No. I came to find out why you haven’t been coming to work. You know we need you to keep us in order,” he tried to joke, but y/n’s face did not move at all.

“Baby, can I come in and talk for a second,” he asked more seriously. Reluctantly, she opened the door wider to let him in. He took his normal spot on her couch and watched as she chose to sit as far from him as possible. He groaned before remembering he wasn’t there to argue with her.

“So,” she said with all the attitude she could.

“There ain’t never been a time in my life when I was allowed to be comfortable, you know that,” he said slowly. “I’m not justifying anything, but it’s hard for me to let you in like that, to think this kinda happiness is one I’m supposed to be comfortable with. That it’s not gon’ leave as soon as I accept it. So I became cold as soon as it became comfortable.” His leg began to shake nervously. “Everyone I have ever loved has been taken away from me, and I don’t need that happenin’ with you. I’ve been fine on my own. At least I thought I was, then I realized I got family, and you. And I am sorry I ever made you feel like you weren’t the most important person in my life.” 

He finally looked at her for the first time since he started talking.

“Because I love you so much y/n. I love you so much I’m afraid to lose you,” he began to sniffle, trying to keep his emotions together.

Y/n smiled at him, slowly closing the gap between them. She placed a hand on top of his, and with the other, she held his chin, making sure he kept eye contact with her. And for a moment she didn’t respond, she just stared at him. Erik felt his breathing slowing down. He hadn’t even realized how anxious he had been. 

It scared him to think about how safe one person could make him feel. Something he hadn’t experienced since being a little boy in his Baba’s arms.

“I love you too Erik Stevens,” y/n spoke after a moment. A soft smile rested on her lips. “I was scared to, but I do, and because of that, I’m not going anywhere.”

He nodded softly letting her words sink into his soul.

“I love you, and I see you.” Those words, so simple, but enough to let him know where he needed to be.

“I see you too,” he said before kissing her softly. She brought her arms around him, and just like that, he felt alive again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MONTH 9

“I’m open!” 

Erik yelled to one of the kids on his team to pass to him. As soon as he got the ball, he went straight for a layup, and just like that he helped his team win. The young boys circled around him reaching for high fives from Erik. Erik glanced at y/n who stood at the sidelines with a slight smile on her face. 

An announcement rang through the outreach center letting the boys know they had ten minutes before a session with Shuri. Erik watched as all the boys moved to get their things and go. He took the opportunity to walk over to y/n who he greeted with a deep kiss before she pushed him away.

“If I knew I had a cheerleader out there, I would have made more shots,”  he said with a smile that made y/n playfully shove him as she tried to hide her smile. 

“Yeah, whatever. I’m just here to make sure you get ready for the game on time. I want you to see every moment of the Clippers destroying your little team.”

“You talk a lot of shit for a team that ain’t got no ring,” he said putting his arm around her as she giggled. They started to walk from the center to his car ever so slowly. He took in the atmosphere of his hometown. He had missed it, but not as much as he thought he would.

“You are very good with the kids.”

“Yeah... You think so?” He opened her car door for her.

“All they talk about in our practice sessions is how cool Erik.” She threw her hands up mockingly as he buckled in and turned towards her. 

“They’re cool kids. It ain’t hard with them.”

“I hope its that easy when we have ours.”

His heart seemed to have stopped for a moment. They had never talked about that far in the future before.

“Calm down, ma, you don’t want to do things the right way? I don’t know. Think about marriage first,” he says looking at her face, making sure to take in everything she said.

“My dad always mentioned the two of us doing our rituals and him giving me away to you.” Y/n rolled her eyes.

“You don’t want that?” 

“I don’t know. My parents never got married but I think their love was pure without it. So I think I feel the same way. We don’t need titles to know we are committed to each other.”

He looked at her for a moment, slightly distracted by the woman that he loved. 

“I like that. Just know that no matter what we decide I’m still gon’ call you my wifey.”

“That’s fine. As long as you are the one saying it,” she said leaning in to kiss him.

“I hear you,” he said looking at her before getting ready to drive off.  

She kept stealing glances of him before speaking.“Have you given more thought about where you want to stay? Is Oakland calling you?” 

He placed his hand on her bouncing leg.

“Right now? Home is wherever you are,” he said with a straight face. “That’s gon’ mean me going back for a while but we’ll make it work.”

She nodded with a smile before picking up his hand on her thigh and giving it a kiss and placing it back. He flashed her a smile showing off the golden grill that she loved so much. They entered a comfortable silence, filled only by a soft R&B playlist he had playing. It was then, he was sure, that this was what living felt like. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part 2 

Taglist: @aloevverified​ @chaneajoyyy​ @shaekingshitup​ @fd-writes​ @ashanti-notthesinger​ @ghostfacekill-monger​

[courage-in-immensity]

18 any OTH dynamic

OTH Prompt: “If I die, I’m haunting you first”

Clara Backstory: OC Dynamic

“If I die, I’m haunting you first!” Sara’s shrill voice reached Jessica’s ears over the rush of the water below them. “Do you even know how high this bridge is?”

“I couldn’t tell you in feet, I’m British,” her room-mate shrugged, grinning infuriatingly. Where the hell did the girl get her reckless nature?

“I really don’t like you sometimes, Parker,” Sara groaned, shuddering as she peered into the water against her better judgement.

“You love me,” Jessica giggled. “I’d jump with you but the boys around here might get the wrong idea if you take so long that we have to keep holding hands.”

“If I wasn’t so freaked, I’d be offended, but as it happens, you’re off the hook. That guy Alex from the diner earlier has been ogling you for ages. Why don’t you just leave me here and go for it?”

Jessica’s eyes lit up when she spotted the dark-haired flirt staring at her from a distance. “That boy is fine,” she sighed dreamily. Then she bit her lip regretfully. “Will you be okay on your own?”

“I’ll manage,” Sara muttered, the nervous tension twisting her insides in knots. “Go!”

The hustle and bustle of the bar she sat in wrenched Jessica from her musings eventually. She had wanted to be helpful but just arriving back on American soil for the first time since her college years had thrown her for a loop. Add to that the fact that her best friend was dead and she didn’t really know how to feel right now. Even the chattering of other patrons couldn’t pique her interest right now, notorious gossip though she was.

“Is this seat taken?” Jessica lifted her head reluctantly, prepared to snap at whoever dared interrupt her internal whirlwind of emotions. Instead, she felt her jaw drop.

“Alex,” she whispered. Then found her voice to speak louder over the noise around them. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“You really have to ask?” he demanded, none of that cockiness she remembered in his words. “Sara’s gone.” Struggling to breathe around the lump swelling in her throat, the British girl gestured at the empty seat beside her. “I brought my Nonna’s famous pasta recipe all the way from Europe. How lame is that?”

“It’s not lame at all,” Jessica told him. “You come from the land of the ultimate comfort food, we could all use some of that.”

“You look good, Jessie,” he said softly. “I hope it’s okay to say that. I’m way out of my element here.”

“I think we all are,” she pointed out. “Did you go to see Clay already?”

“That sister of his is acting like a gate-keeper,” Alex grimaced. “Makes you wonder how bad the spiral must be if even we feel this crappy.”

“She’s just trying to protect him,” said Jessica defensively.

“Oh that’s right, Jessica Parker can’t hear a word against Lily and James Potter,” Alex teased, sounding like the guy she remembered from college for the first time. “You’re like a loyal little puppy.”

“Shut up!” She took a swing at him, but Alex grabbed her hand before she could land a punch to his arm.

“Oh no you don’t, missy.”

“Let go of me, Alex,” Jessica demanded and it was her tone that made him drop her hand. He was used to annoyance and exasperation from the British girl; this sadness was new. But then, what else could there be but misery under the circumstances?

“Sorry,” he sighed. “You know I don’t mean to bug you, it just kind of happens.”

“Life happens,” Jessica pointed out quietly. “And sometimes it royally sucks.”

“Amen,” Alex agreed, raising his beer in her direction.

“You’re not even offering to buy me a drink with that smug grin?” Jessica marveled. “I guess times really have changed.”

“I can take a hint, Parker,” he said stiffly. “I’m here for my best friend, chasing you was never my intention.”

“And my best friend is dead,” Jessica breathed, the words barely audible since they didn’t feel remotely real to even say out loud. “You know, all I can think right now is how she promised to haunt me if that bridge jump that we did in college had killed her? How ridiculous is that?”

“I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all,” Alex told her softly. “Man, that was a crazy day, huh?”

“Wild,” she agreed. “Did you know that even after things ended between us, Clay and Sara were the reason I believed in soulmates?” Jessica took a deep breath, the threat of tears was way too real right now. “This isn’t fair!” With an involuntary squeak of suppressed emotion, the girl covered her eyes. “Oh God, I promised myself I wasn’t going to lose it. I came here to be useful, damn it!”

“You’re plenty useful, Jessie.” She felt Alex put his arm around her, not trusting herself to look up yet.

“You’ve gone soft, Walker,” she mumbled, attempting to joke but the pain was still too close to the surface. “I’m uh…I’m sorry about this.”

“I’m not,” he said truthfully. “It’s nice to have something feel so familiar when the idea of Sara being gone is so damn surreal. Don’t you think so?”

“I…I hadn’t really thought about it like that,” Jessica stammered. She finally lifted her head and immediately wished she hadn’t. Alex’s dark eyes were full of more warmth and understanding than she had ever known him to possess in college. “This feels so bizarre.”

“By this do you mean us?” Alex asked, gesturing between them, and she nodded mutely. “It doesn’t need to, you know. We’re both here for the same reason, nothing else really matters right now.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Could you say that again? I don’t think I heard you right.” Just like that the teasing smirk was back and Jessica rolled her eyes at him half-heartedly.

“Would it kill you to be sincere for more than five minutes, Alex?” she mused in exasperation. “You are so frustrating!”

“You love me,” he said jokingly, if for no other reason than to get her out of her own tornado of feelings. What he wasn’t expecting was a shaky nod.

“God knows why, but I actually do,” Jessica sighed, wiping her eyes subtly. “I missed you, Alex. I just hate that it took Sara freaking dying to get us back on the same page. I wish things were different. I mean just thinking about that poor little baby is breaking my heart.”

“It’s a good heart you’ve got there, Parker,” he said, throwing caution to the wind to give her a one-armed hug. “For the record, I missed you too.” He cautiously pressed a kiss to her cheek and rather than the instinctive urge to flinch, the fleeting touch felt like a safe haven. “We’ll get through this, okay? I promise!”

“Do you still want to buy me a drink?” she asked with a shaky laugh.

“If that’s what you want, absolutely,” said Alex without even thinking.

To his surprise, Jessica swiveled her bar stool around to face him and pressed herself into his arms. “Actually, what I really want is this, believe it or not.”

“That works too,” said Alex, stroking her hair gently.

She couldn’t blame the surprising tenderness entirely, but that touch was when Jessica finally broke. “She’s really gone,” she choked. “How the hell does shit like this happen?”

“I don’t know.” Alex sighed and pulled her closer. “Life is short, Jessie. Why don’t we head back to Clay’s and I can make my Nonna’s famous pasta for everybody? I think sticking together is how we’ll get through this.”

“He’s a mess,” Jessica warned. “I flew from England with Lily, she’s the only one he’s letting down the walls for right now. I feel so freaking helpless.”

“All the more reason,” said Alex gently. “He’s my best friend…I’m going to do whatever it takes.”

“I’m with you,” said Jessica decisively, wiping her eyes once more. “Whatever it takes. Can I just do one more thing before we call a cab?”

“Hmm? What’s that?” asked Alex, toying with her slender fingers the way he used to all those years ago. And she kissed him again, pouring all the grief into the one thing that made her feel very much alive right now. Everything seemed to have turned upside down but it was comforting to know that love always remained. 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10358158/1/Your-Love-Is-A-Song

[riceballcatfb]

Made the Right Wish

Kyoru Week 2020, day 1 Rating: All ages  *Takes place post-manga, so read at your own risk!*

Title and story vaguely inspired by the verse below, which is the chorus of the song “What I’m Leaving For” by Lady A.

"Take a look at our little paradise

It ain't much, but baby you and I

picked the right star

made the right wish

there ain't nothing out there like this"

There were very few things that Kyo had truly been sure of in his life. In fact, he could only think of three things-he loved his son and unborn baby, he loved his wife, and he loved his job.

Well, four things.

This morning, as he lay there staring at the ceiling, listening to the steady thrum of the rain on the roof, he was 150 percent sure he wanted to stay home today.

It had been four years today since the curse had broken. He'd kept track, watching each anniversary pass by with bated breath, praying that it wouldn't somehow rear its ugly face within him again. Or worse, within his son.

He had to remind himself that it was also the four year anniversary of the day he'd knelt in front of Tohru outside the hospital, clinging to her hand and begging her to accept his love.

She'd said yes. So not all about this day was bittersweet.

And now, here they were, in their own house by the sea, with a tiny red-headed boy sleeping in the next room.

With the end of the curse, Kyo had been stripped of his connection to the cat spirit, of course. So there was absolutely no logical reason for him to still feel sluggish when it rained-not that being possessed by a cat was particularly logical, either, he supposed.

Next to him, he heard Tohru stir. He glanced in her direction. She was on her side facing him, eyes still shut, hair in disarray from sleep. "Are you okay?" she whispered, still not opening her eyes.

Their son had been difficult last night, not wanting to go to sleep. Kyo had tried to help, but Hajime was a huge Mommy's boy right now, and Tohru inevitably ended up taking the brunt of his tantrum. She was exhausted. Yet, she had heard the rain just now and woken up to check on Kyo anyway.

His heart swelled at the realization, both with love and a sense of guilt.

He inhaled deeply and rolled over to face her. He rubbed his thumb against her cheekbone. She smiled wearily in response.

"I'm fine," he murmured. "I should be asking you that. How'd you get him to finally lie down?"

Her eyes fluttered open. She put her hand over his, holding it in place against her cheek. "I told him that he could sleep with us tonight, since you won't have to get up early for work tomorrow."

Kyo chuckled. "Smart thinking."

"It worked immediately," Tohru replied, letting out an airy laugh.

"He's a cuddle bug. Just like his mom."

Tohru's eyes were closed again now, but she still answered him. "You're pretty cuddly, yourself," she pointed out.

"I guess. Sometimes."

She quirked an eyebrow in response, making it clear that she thought it was more than sometimes.

"It would be nice if I could stay home and help you today," he said softly, leaning over to kiss the tip of her nose. He stayed closeby afterwards, admiring how peaceful her face looked. Her thick eyelashes, the dusting of freckles across her nose and cheeks, the pastel pink of her lips. He was so lucky.

"You should stay home today. But not to help me, to rest. It's raining."

He scoffed slightly. "Yeah, right. I don't have time to rest. And besides…" he paused, running a finger along the slight swell of her stomach, "...you're the one who should be resting."

"What if you stayed home and we both rested?"

"Then Hajime would just run the house, and I don't think either of us would like the consequences of that very much."

"He's got to be tired, too," she reminded him. Not only had he been up late last night, but he also irrationally felt ill every time it rained. "Let's have a movie day."

"Wait...are you serious?"

She opened her eyes again, putting a hand over her mouth to stifle a yawn. "Yes. Why not?"

"Tohru, we need all the money we can get right now…"

She sighed and scooted closer, capturing his lips to silence him. "We're fine, Kyo-kun. You said you want to stay home. So stay home. You work hard for us."

Tohru wasn't working right then. Kyo had figured that watching a wild toddler and growing another little human added up to a full-time job. They were getting by on his income just fine, but Kyo wasn't sure if he'd ever honestly be able to stop worrying about money.

He sighed in defeat, pulling her into another kiss before answering. "Okay. You win. I'm making breakfast, though. What would you like?"

As Tohru opened her mouth--likely to protest his demand, Kyo thought--their mattress squeaked and drooped a little bit under a new weight. Tohru gasped in surprise as a little body wiggled its way between them.

Kyo ruffled their son's light red hair before giving him a kiss on the forehead. "Good morning, Hajime."

Hajime returned the sentiment by simply nuzzling his face against his father's chest. Just like Tohru had anticipated, he was groggy and likely not feeling well.

"Daddy's making breakfast today," Tohru told him, running her fingers through his messy hair. He batted her hand away and Tohru sighed at his grumpy mood, but also couldn't help but smile a bit at how he was clinging to Kyo. Hajime loved both his parents; there was no doubt about that. But with how attached he'd been to Tohru lately, moments like this where he only wanted Daddy had become more rare. Kyo smiled back at Tohru, knowing they were sharing the same thought.

"...Pancakes?" Hajime mumbled after a moment, tone muffled by Kyo's chest. Kyo nodded.

"Definitely. With chocolate chips?"

Hajime nodded, and Kyo got out of bed, scooping the toddler up with him. He propped Hajime up on his shoulders and headed out to the kitchen. Tohru sat up, shaking her head, dreading the impending sugar crash they'd have to deal with later.

She sat at the table in their living room, watching her boys make pancakes together. Well, really, Kyo made the pancakes and Hajime contributed by pouring the chocolate chips in. Moments like this were precious to her, and she knew they were to Kyo, too. Hajime likely wouldn't remember this exact point in time when he got older. But Tohru knew the small things like this would stay ingrained in her and Kyo's hearts forever. And soon they'd have another little boy to add in.

Pancakes were served at the table, where Tohru thanked her chefs with kisses on the cheeks. Hajime watched with wide eyes and a mouthful of food as Kyo turned on the TV and flipped through channels, looking for a movie they could all watch-the TV wasn't turned on much in their house. Kyo still didn't have much of a liking for movies, Tohru was just always too busy to really sit down and engross herself in a show, and Hajime spent too much time playing to really pay attention to anything happening on the mysterious screen.

When he got to a cartoon that made Hajime laugh, Kyo chuckled and set the remote down, pulling his son into his lap.

"Hang on!" Tohru said, springing up from her spot on the floor.

"Tohru," Kyo groaned. "Careful, please."

"I'm fine, Kyo-kun!" she insisted, already down the hall. A minute later, she returned with her arms full of pillows and throw blankets. Soon the little family was bundled up, Hajime in the middle, wrapped in so many blankets that Kyo told him he looked like a "Hajime burrito."

By the time the movie was over, Kyo's mind had been numbed by the shallow content, and he blinked a few times before looking over at Tohru. She was making an equally displeased face.

"That wasn't very well-written, was it?" she commented after a minute.

"Well, it's meant for kids his age," Kyo pointed out, looking down at their toddler. He sighed and laughed lowly when he noticed the boy's slow, even breathing and closed eyes. "And he wasn't even watching. When did he fall asleep?"

Tohru giggled, clamping a hand over her mouth to avoid disturbing Hajime. "I don't know."

Kyo leaned his head back against the wall behind him, letting his eyes flutter shut, as well. He'd kept himself going for this long, but the drowsiness the rain impeded him with was finally catching up with him. He sighed contentedly as Tohru ran her fingers through his hair, opening his eyes half-way to look over at her.

"I love you," he reminded her.

"I love you more."

He shook his head at that, but didn't really have the energy to get into a fake-argument about it like they did to mess with each other sometimes.

Tohru smiled in return before she spoke again. "I know you hate it when I have to go to the doctor by myself…"

Kyo sighed again, this time out of disappointment. "I should have taken yesterday off instead of today. Then I could have gone with you."

Tohru shook her head at his obvious bitterness. "The point of me bringing this up was, I found out what we're having."

Kyo's eyes opened fully as he looked over at his wife in surprise.

"I was trying to think of a fun way to tell you, but...I guess now's as good a time as any. It's another boy."

Kyo started crying almost immediately, unable to stop tears from sliding quietly down his cheeks. "I knew it," he whispered, wiping at his face. Tohru laughed. He had been insisting it was a boy for the entire pregnancy. Stubbornly, Tohru had always said it was a girl, though she really had no inkling one way or the other.

"You were right," she whispered back. "We need to start thinking of names."

Kyo nodded, sniffled a little, and leaned over to kiss her.

"Thank you for giving me a family. I love you."

"I love you, too. Now stop it, or you'll make me cry, too."

He chuckled and hugged Hajime a little closer. "I used to think that I used up all the luck in the universe when you started dating me. And then again when I proposed and you said yes. And then again, when Hajime was born. I don't know where the hell I'm getting enough luck to have another son."

Tohru wiped at her own now-wet cheeks, then reached over and smacked Kyo on the arm in playful protest. "Look what you did!"

He laughed and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand.

"Kyo-kun...you deserve this. All of it." She trailed her touch down to his left wrist, fingers tracing the spot where his prayer beads used to sit. The beads that were now in a drawer of their dresser, waiting until Hajime was old enough to hear the story and understand the significance of it.

Kyo shook his head slightly, but didn't argue.

"Well...I could never wish for anything more."

"Didn't we say we wanted one more baby after this one?" Tohru teased.

His eyes went wide. "Well, um...d-did we say that?"

She giggled. "We don't have to discuss it yet."

Kyo sighed in relief, shaking his head at his wife.

"You dork."

"I know what you mean, though. I don't think I could ever wish for anything more, either."

Kyo nodded and leaned down, pressing a kiss to Hajime's forehead and one to Tohru's belly. "We've made the right wishes. I mean, look where they got us."

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26852407

@kyoruweekofficial

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Blood tears and sea breeze

Hi! I wrote this at 1:46 in the morning, in the middle of a night shift on a saturday and I have some things to say:

It took me so long to finish this story for many reasons, first of all I got a full time job at the hospital and we got a lot of covid and not covid patients so that was physically and emotionally draining. Secondly I just lost inspiration, my life became one responsibility over the other and I had no more time to me, so I went in autopilot mode and tried to do the best I could.

And suddenly the year ended and I realized how much I missed, and finally something wonderful and magical happened. The love of my life proposed to me and I felt alive again,

I change jobs, I'm now a Resident so now I'll have even less time than before but I have so much more hope for the future. So here it is the end, may we read each other again, but for now this the conclusion of this story, told in three parts because it became longer than I thought

************************

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

First Previous Next Last

Chapter 21: Shadows...

The light inside the narrow corridor was flickering, maybe some old installation, how appropriate, the youngest of the Langfors thought, and old dusty and cold place, to keep the one responsible for all her tragedy.

Looking at her in the tiny space, covering her body with a blanket, she looked pathetic and yet she dare to have that stupid concerned look on her eyes, like she was the one about to go to jail, and not the other way around. Because her plan had worked, it all have worked out so perfectly, and now all that was left for Ash to do was saying goodbye.

Y/N was silent waiting for her to say anything, but she couldn't speak, no yet, she needed to see her like that, to keep in her mind that memory, she needed to remind the pain, because those were the only moments she felt alive.

"Was it something I did?" Y/N had a cautious tone, almost afraid to upset her, it was almost offensive, I'm not going to explode, she tought, I'm not a lunatic, but the familiarity of her concern pleased her. "How can I fix it?" Y/N plead and Ashley finally and looked at her, the fluorescent ceiling lamps gave the white room a blue shine but she was almost sure, as always, that the blue light was coming from her.

"It was just a card mommy" She said and before she could add something about how all the other children at preschool made one, the quick and hard stinging pain of a crop aimed at her side made her five year old body fall to the ground.

"Just a card? A card to a whoreson peasant" He and his stupid need to call himself royalty. There was no ounce of royal blood in him since at least three generations prior but he couldn't left it rest. "No daughter of mine will go around making a fool of herself by fraternizing with bastards in need, you are not some common whore and you will not bring shame to this house" he said about to strike another hit with the crop but she run, and left her room to the backyard, they will catch her in no time of course but she just wanted some air.

She didn't understand half of the words his father said, and definitely none of his stupid hate. She felt so alone, so sad and so empty, but she like it out there, she could look at the blue sky and the blue ocean meeting in the horizon, the beach was kilometers from her but was visible from her house, and specially she could see her, the tiny girl always happy and dancing with her mother and her older sisters, she was desperate to talk to her since she spotted her on day from her window, she wanted to know what she did to make her mother hold her like that, to make her father kiss her and give her presents every other day...

Ashley closed her eyes and shut the pain away like she always did, she needed to remember that pain, but then a tiny soft touch on her shoulder make her look up, there she was covered in a beautiful blue light, with a white dress, concerned look on her eyes.

"Why are you crying?" She asked, Y/N had jumped the fence from her house the moment she saw Ashley running. "Is it because your dress is torn? I can fix that, so your mommy won't be mad. Come on." She gave her a hand and she was sure she would never let her go, and for the years to come she didn't, until now.

"He was mine, and you took him, that's what you did" She said finally "Like you always do"

**********

"Forensics are on their way" Katie said once she entered the room again, the blood on the bodies looked fresh enough to know this was recent, other elements of the force have been there the day before arresting Langford and his sister said the parents where upset when she left them...

"Hey, what is a Baronet?" Derek asked, already gloves in hads and protectors on his feet "Is not like a actual royalty is it?"

"No, is the lowest rank and I think you have to pay for it and have land or something, why?" She asked putting on her gloves as well.

"A very old framed portrait of a guy, it says it's a baronet" He said showing it to her. A rapid Google search later and they found out that in fact Mr Langford's grandmother Dame Mildred Langford was the last Baronetess in their line, subsequently his father, Mildred's child born in 1946 chose to not keep the title and the nobility ended there.

There were many signals of adoration towards the woman, but very little towards his father.

"Langford is almost forty, so he was born around 1980, let's asume his father was 20 when he had him...Do you happen to know royalty gossip in broadchurch from the 1960s?" Katie said looking at the necks from the victims, there was a lot of hate and anger in there.

"No but I know someone who might" Ramos took out his phone and start calling "it may take a while, you should check the other room while I'm here... Hola tita? Como estas? Oye me pasas a tito por favor? It's a work thing please" Katie gave him a puzzled look. "My grandmother remarried to a English guy shut up!" He said while she exited the room. "Hola tito, I have a question for you"

The rest of the house was like the exterior, it surely had seen better days, old fashioned furniture and mold growing in some places, the only place remotely modern was in Langford's sister room, all pink an glittery, with 90s pop stars posters on the walls, the place was torn however, someone had been seeking something frantically there, Katie looked in the open window she could see next door house, smaller, and vacant but somehow happier. And in the backyard there was a pile of apparent garbage with flames and smoke coming out of it, with smoke still coming out of it and she run downstairs.

By the time she arrived at the backyard Ramos was already putting down the fire and trying to pick something before it was too late.

It was mostly old photographs in albums in the style of the framed picture in the livingroom. What probably were letters were now completely burn and in the middle of all the ashes there was a wooden box that miraculously haven't succumb to the fire yet.

*********

"Broadchurch police open now" Brian was about to tear the door down but nobody open, and even with Hardy screaming and putting out his gun the place looked abandoned.

"Looks pretty empty" Not only the deli but also the street, it was possible they hadn't open the whole morning "Are you sure she said the deli?" He said looking at the back alley next to the Trader's. But Brian didn't answer, he was trying the phone once again trying to reach her, and Hardy thought of how much would he loved to hear that stupid ringtone of Miller's phone when suddenly the muffled notes of the song he now will love for ever, whatever the fuck it was, came from behind the deli.

They rushed to the door of the back of the restaurant where they probably downloaded supplies and before they could agree on their actions they pushed the door down, of course it was empty apart from some vegetables but the sound was not coming from there, it was coming from behind the door of the freezer, where a fine line of light was coming maybe indicating the last hope they had.

They opened the door and Hardy's heart must be stronger than he had thought because he almost died with horror at the sight of Miller unconscious, with the skin completely pale, and the hair and her lashes covered in frost, with only a tiny mist coming out her mouth indicating she was still alive.

A millisecond after their initial shock they took her out and before she fall asleep again she was conscious enough to see both of the men she loved and to look at Alec and whisper a silent "Thank you"

****

"Maybe it would be easier if you told me how I stole him" you said, with the same tone you use to have for misbehaving children, specially since now you could not see an adult in front of you, only a very scared children, and very sorrow eyes. "I'm pretty sure I was already dating him when I introduce him to you and Charles, we were kind of apart at the time because of the Deli..."

"Oh you really are as stupid as you look don't you" she said irritated, but the superiority in her voice made you think she had bite, and she confirmed it when she continued "Do you happen to know how hard it is to win money with a Deli? Because I certainly don't, that restaurant and your idea of working there would have ruined me if it wasn't because I found a way to save myself"

She then proceeded to explain to you how she, Charles and that monster of a doctor that had treated you before worked together luring young rich men into buying rohypnol to drug innocent girls, only that the "innocent girl" in question happened to be a very alert and awake Ashley, so when they arrived at some hotel or secluded place Charles would extorsion them in order to "keep quiet" Easy money at expenses of creeps, and no victims, until she meet Jonathan.

"I texted Charles to let that one go, and we talked all night, I knew then and there that he loved me and that he was the one... he promised to call the next morning, but you have to appear, with your prudish routine, you stole the only man that ever loved me for me" she said and part of you believed her, but part of you was sure she was lying somehow.

"Then when we meet again he tried to denied it, he tried to pretend he didn't remember, he even proposed to you but at the end he couldn't keep it in for any longer and he came back to me" she said with an expression of triumph in her face like she was looking at something that was not there and for the first time since she arrived you felt angry at her, and disgusted by her smile.

****

"So Langford's father was a crazy old fuck, who hated his father's for loosing the title in order to be one with his people, apparently they have an old factory here in broadchurch, and all his workers love the man, when he died his child try by any means to regain the title and he lost the factory, the land and the family money, he only had this house... a tough environment to grow" Derek said once the box was safe out of the fire. "Also you are invited to my aunt Nicole's birthday party" he said a little embarrassed.

"Is your grandmother cooking? I'm in" Katie said casually while she tried to open the box and Derek relaxed immediately.

It opened with a click and inside it was a cellphone, with trembling gloved fingers she opened and realized it was Ashley's phone, there was the text she had seen so many days before, the one Jonathan sent before he died, she had an unopened voicemail so she checked it, it was a regular costumer asking why the deli was closed that day, but before she turned down again she went trough the saved messages it was only one.

"I know you won't listen, but I had to try" Jonathan Norbury's voice said he sounded tired and angry "I have been trying to make it easier for you so you won't get hurt but you left me no choice, I'm talking to Charles tonight, I'll give him his store back and I'm leaving Broadchurch in the morning, I'll go to London to set the venue..." He sighed as if he was about to do something painful "I love her Ash, I'm sorry but I do, I let my fear to disappoint my father drive me back to the alcohol and made you part of my mistakes, I should have never slept with you, I should have never let your brother near her... I'll marry her and I'll take her away from here... from you and your brother, and you can resume your life with Charles and your business, I won't involve the police as long as you left us alone, I promise, I know you, you are not as bad as you think you are, and you are worthy of love... it's only that I can not love you, I hate to said this to you but that night doesn't mean to me what it means to you, the girl of that night became a constant reminder of the life I needed to leave behind, of the man I don't want to be. I could had been you or any other woman that night and the result would have been the same, me going to AA and then to church and falling for her, because is only her, it's always been her and now I have to make it right. I'm sorry"

"Do you remember what they told us about what happened with the psychiatrist? The thing she did with her wrist?" Derek said while Katie's mind was racing with this new information cursing herself for not confiscating the phone the moment she first entered the station, she wasn't a suspect then, her conscience said but it was not enough

"About the bracelet?" She said rising her look surprised she could still process logical thoughts

"Did her mother had another one? You know like a pair or something?" He said completely serious.

"I don't know, maybe, why?" She asked looking at him.

"Because I think we have to arrest the Langford's for a whole new crime" he said giving her a picture of Charles next to a completely damaged car with an old couple dead inside, the woman was wearing a necklace that she immediately recognized as a pair to the bracelet she bagged as evidence so long ago, and even with the wounds the resemblance to Y/N was undeniable, those were her parents.

******

Miller woke up in a hospital bed with an IV on her arm and a lot of blankets and space heaters around her, Brian was there looking shocked at her and she had her heart full with joy for having him, but her sense of duty was bigger so before anything else she just asked "Where is Alec?"

"I'm trying really hard not to take this personally" Brian said almost angry "But is really hard to take you seriously when you look like a bloody burrito" he said pointing at the foil blanket over her "Shitface is out there"

"I'm sorry" She said immediately "I'm so glad you saved me, and I really love you now more than ever, but someone else's life is at risk and I need to talk to DI Hardy. We can discuss how much you hate him when we get home tonight ok?" She said and he was about to respond but the fact that she call his place home was enough to make him stand up and get Hardy inside.

"Is she awake?" He said desperately when he get inside and Brian exited the room not wanting to hurt his pride anymore, he trusted her enough and was enough in love to let her be. "How are you?" Alec said not sure if he could get closer.

"Don't mind me" She simply said like being nearly frozen to death was a regular Tuesday for her. "You have to get to the station quickly" she said pulling down most of the blankets and sitting on the bed. "Y/N is in danger, you were right she is innocent" she said and since Hardy didn't react immediately she add "And someone is about to kill her"

"How do you know?" He said and Miller couldn't help to notice the fear in his voice, he was already convinced she was innocent but he needed for her to tell him to make it real.

"The friend, it was her from the start and even before that... That woman is a monster. There is a sound recorder sewn inside my jacket, she confessed before tying me up and leaving me inside her stupid fridge" She said and show her two burning marks on her side "She used a teaser to knock me out, she knows her brother will break sooner or later so she choose to confess and tied all her lose ends"

"And she confessed to killing Jonathan and what else?" He asked and she was sure what he wanted to ask.

*****

"You should have told me" you said trying to buy time from her to think what to do next "If you knew he loved you so much you should have told me and I would have gladly go away... I have always wanted the best for you"

"Oh don't come at me with that ridiculous attitude, you knew we loved each other and what did you do?? You had to ruin everything, don't pretend now you don't remember" she said and suddenly everything became clear on your head

You were not mad that night because she left you alone in the dancefloor... but because you saw her kissing him, she was all over him and that stupid purple shirt, you were so mad at her, and you saw so much regret on his eyes but it didn't matter and you just wanted to get out of there, and then Charles came out of nowhere and you went out with him because you felt weird and weak and so confused...and then that happened, and by the time you wake up Jonathan was holding you so tightly and so lovingly that you chose to forget... as you had chosen to forget all those other times, you were sure now that that stupid voice in those videos was not you... and you pray for the forensics department to realize it was some cheap editing of your voice over your body... but you were certain you had actually slept with Charles just not as willingly as it seemed

You felt disgusted by yourself, and by those who claimed for so many years to be your friends, and you hate her so much in the way you can only hate someone you loved for so long and you had to ask because your heart was hurting so much.

"Why?"

She didn't answer, you where about to elaborate in the question because she had already told you why she killed him but she did understand you, she simply was looking for the answer

"Because you had everything I ever wanted"

****

Alec was driving as fast as he could, with Miller's story resonating on his head. Ashley Langford loved Y/N's life and hated her for a long time, when she was going away to Paris she thought she will finally take her place on her family.

But she soon realized that in Paris or in Broadchurch her parents would never stoploving her and she send Charles to mess their car, she saw them die, all because they decline her offer to live at their house when she left.

She was convinced Jonathan was in love with her since they met when he arrived at Broadchurch, but he rejected her when Y/N introduced them formally, maybe as Miller thought, he didn't even remember her. And then when they got engaged she found a way to get him drunk.

Their affair was simply disgusting, she will drug Y/N unconcious so she would sneak out with Norbury, assuring him Charles was simply watching her, but she needed to hurt her, to humiliate her, so she let Charlie take advantage of her over and over again until Jonathan found out at the club at the same time Y/N found out.

In the end Norbury had done the right thing and ended the affair. Hardy listen to the audio Harford sent him, and everything was becoming clear, now he only hope he will be on time.

****

"Do what you must then" You said "If this will make up for whatever it is I did to you... then just do it already" you said now ready to accept the end, and desperate to stop feeling this much hurt.

You thought one last time of DI Hardy, you may be innocent from the murder, but Ashley had made a good work destroying everything you care about and you felt so unworthy of him, even if she didn't killed you you could never look at him so it was better this way.

"No yet" she said and she reach inside her pocket, only now you saw she was holding a gun on her right hand "You knew your dear Alec is out of the case for getting too cozy with you?" Maybe when this is over I will visit him, I'm sure a man like him will be glad to have a women in his life after what happened to his friend Miller" She said and you fear the worst specially sin DS Miller had told you she thought Ashley may be involved in all of this "And after his little whore blow her brains out" she said. "Do you think Paul will say something for you? As far as I know suicidal people get no favors from church" every word she said was meticulously aimed to hurt, and she said them so casually that it almost felt spontaneous "Oh don't get anxious, your end is coming, but first you have to wear this"

You knew what it was before she finished her sentence, a delicate necklace just like the bracelet you longed for so many years, your mother had the necklace so you wouldn't feel alienated by having to wear it, you had given her the bracelet back so long ago and when she died it was never found... and you understand without her telling you that somehow she was responsible for them dying too. And the disgust for her and yourself turn to anger, to a primal need to erase her existence and she was there smiling and something broke inside your mind.

****

Alec was walking fast to the cells, ready to kill Ashley Langford but by the time he got to Y/N's cell he froze still as he saw Y/N extended her hand to take what seemed to be a necklace while Langford pointed her gun at her.

What happened next was so quickly that he almost didn't had time take his own revolver out. Y/N trembling hand became steady to take the necklace and she took Ashley by surprised by pulling her arm inside the cell and taking the pistol from her hand.

"Oh come on do it" Ashley said surprising Hardy and Y/N "Prove me and the world that you are not perfect, that you are as rotten and corrupted as me, come on kill me!" She said and Alec finally speak.

"She is not" he said loud enough for them to hear but he was not screaming. "The only corrupted and repellent creature here is you" he said approaching slowly trying to get Y/N's attention but she was still firmly holding bot the gun and Ashley "You are not like her" he said again.

"I told you detective that I never wanted to find out who did this because I was afraid of what I would become" she said and he was afraid for a second by the anger in her voice. "This ... woman" She said as if she wasn't sure she could call Ashley that "Took everything from me, my dignity, my reputation, my friends... even my family" she said with so much suffering in her voice that he only could flinch his fist inside his coat. Where the fuck was the other guard? "She took the man I loved... the man I thought that also loved me"

"She didn't" he said and took out his phone, he held it in front of him as he approached her and play the audio.

"That's a lie" Ashley start screaming, now completely unbalanced, "He loved me, he loved me!!!!" At the moment the words "it's only her" came out of the phone Y/N hand relaxed and Hardy use the opportunity to take the gun out of her hand and pull Langford aside, as the bloody security guard finally arrived, without hesitation he took the keys from his hand and opened the cell while the man carried a very disturbed Ashley away, and before Y/N could fall in the darkness and space out again he hold her against his chest.

"It's you, it's only you"

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[prosopopeya]

New Year’s Meme

this survey has been a tradition among my friend group for YEARS, but i haven’t filled it out since 2015 apparently. i’m not entirely sure why except 2016 was the year a lot of stuff changed for me, namely in that i finally got out of school in some form and started a new job, but i also had a few health problems that kept plaguing me (thyroid medicine being off, vitamin d) and my anxiety was all over the place. so here we go i’m doing it again and feel free to do it too if you want!!

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? tried on wedding dresses. taught virtually. dealt (poorly) with drunk teenagers. performed in a pep rally. wore face masks all the time. i’m going to lump in living with someone. jon moved in october 2019, but i don’t think i did this quiz last year so. taught ap.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? i don’t really like resolutions. they put too much pressure on me and i am a fragile person when it comes to setting expectations and living up to them. i did want to try to read more this year, and i maintained that until the pandemic, and then just kind of gave up requiring myself to do anything but live.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? i don’t think so. a coworker did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? jon’s cousin committed suicide in march or april. the circumstances were pretty upsetting. um. andy died in february, very suddenly. andy was my high school boyfriend for four years with whom i had a very... he scarred me in a lot of ways when it comes to sex and consent. it’s taken me a long time to unpack all of that. and i struggle with how much any of that was his fault or just bc he was a stupid kid too. our mutual friends had nothing but nice things to say about him on fb. anyway. he would guilt me into saying he’d kill himself if we broke up, and jon’s cousin killed himself over his girlfriend. so that was a complex part of the year.

5. What countries did you visit? none. literally the week before the quarantine, we went to asheville to visit jon’s cousin.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? maybe a different job? or at least some peace at doing mine.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? march 13 we cancelled classes and had a technology training day; the 15th we had another one, and then we were virtual the rest of the term. it was such a sudden shift and while i so loved working from home tbh, it was such a relief after a supremely shitty january/february work-wise, i still had a lot of keyed-up, stressful days centered around transitioning to being the senior upper school spanish teacher. i hate it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? writing 50k in the month of november. i have literally never done that before and actively reject nano as being typically unhealthy for how my mind works, so it was nice to do it entirely by accident.

9. What was your biggest failure? mishandling the drunken teenagers on that field trip in january.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i sit crosslegged in my virtual teaching chair and i did it so much that my ankle hurt for the entire summer.

11. What was the best thing you bought? we put a deposit on our elopement in ireland. jon’s wedding ring. (i didn’t buy my wedding dress.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my best friend at work who keeps me sane and is represented by benny in my au, which other than the fact that he is not my sidepiece, is perfect he is crucial to my survival at work and i love him so much. (also he is gay and the french teacher so the benny parallels just keep coming). everyone who tore down a statue in virginia (and other places, but especially monument avenue). everyone putting their lives on the line during this pandemic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? guess! but aside from all the obvious, i found out a friend of mine at work voted for trump. my work bff and i had been trying for years to sway his politics, but that had us both deciding to give up on him.

14. Where did most of your money go?  food, ALCOHOL. god., our savings account. i did a pretty excellent job saving this year, though a good deal of that is because jon moved in and makes more money than me, and also we split all the bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my wedding dress but strangely only when i went to try it on after it came in bc after the purchase i was so sure i’d made every mistake possible. my wedding band. wellbutrin changing my whole life. and, last but certainly not least, the gay angel and the bi(lingual) hunter. i wouldn’t have survived nov-dec in school without that distraction. the election.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2020? the entirety of taylor swift’s oeuvre this year, maybe specifically “this is me trying”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  i. Happier or sadder? happier, i suppose, perhaps contrary to what should be the case, but wellbutrin is a hell of a drug. ii. Older or wiser? wiser. ii. Richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? reading. cleaning. exercising.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? stressing. chaperoning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? so, an update; last year was the first year i didn’t go to my mom’s for christmas. i was supposed to see her for thanksgiving last year, but she basically told us not to come bc she wasn’t feeling up to it (cool!), and we went to jon’s for christmas and my mom’s for new year’s. 

this year, obviously we couldn’t go to my mom’s. instead, we rented a little cabin by the lake. it was perfect; it was really really nice inside, the beds were SO SOFT, the pillows were the best things i have ever laid my head on, like i took off the pillowcases to try to find the brand. we had a little tiny christmas tree with tiny ornaments from walmart that we decorated. the 23rd, we went and picked up our wedding bands. we slept two nights in the (cold) back bedroom so i could wake up and look out at the lake. it snowed for christmas. :)

we opened presents on christmas eve, per jon’s family’s tradition. on christmas eve, we also went to his family farm and sat outside and hung out a little. every year his family does like a secret santa sort of thing and i got my first present in that exchange, which is notable bc jon and i are not yet officially married. i got a remote control car -- jon’s idea bc i couldn’t think of anything, and he was so delighted to hear that i loved playing with rc cars when we went to the beach as a kid.

christmas morning we facetimed my parents and opened some presents together. then jon and i marathoned mandalorian (after spending the previous few days watching several die hard movies), and then we watched wonder woman 1984 which was a bad movie.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? ok LAST year for new year’s, we were in a hotel room, so that was nice, bc it meant minimal stress with my parents. i had always wanted to go to this restaurant near us that has a special new year’s menu, so we did that. the night before or after i think we went to cheesecake factory, which was also amazing.

this year currently i’m tumbling and he’s playing pokemon, and in a bit we’ll try to time it so we finish schitt’s creek in time for the new year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? i re-fell in love with supernatural so that was nice.

23. How many one-night stands? 0. i submit we should randomly change question 23 each year to something more relevant to any of our life experiences.

24. What was your favorite TV program? what did i even watch this year. schitt’s creek. mandalorian. i mean obviously we know supernatural. the circle. are you the one (the queer season). pose. unsolved mysteries. we’re here! perry mason. watchmen. oh maybe that mcdonald’s monopoly fraud documentary. avenue 5. i’ll be gone in the dark. of those i think my favorite maybe is... pose or we’re here.

OKAY UM. on my 2014 version of this there were a bunch of questions about tv shows that i’m putting back in if only for the memories:

25. Which TV shows did you start watching in 2020? the haunting of bly manor, which we still need to finish. derry girls.

26. Which TV shows did you let go of in 2020? HERE’S WHY I WANTED TO RESURRECT THESE. here was my answer in 2015: “supernatural. goodbye, my sweet prince.” CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE

27. Which TV shows did you mean to get into but didn’t in 2020? Why? so far, queen’s gambit and that one on hulu with catherine the great. EVENTUALLY. 28. Which TV shows do you intend on checking out in 2020? fleabag. queen’s gambit. 29. Which TV show do you think you might let go of in 2020 unless things significantly improve? idk i drop things pretty regularly if they don’t entertain me 30. Which TV show impressed you least in 2020? GUYS HERE’S MY ORIGINAL 2015 ANSWER: “supernatural. :(”

anyway back to the rest of the quiz:

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? every person who refuses to listen to facts and information.

26. What was the best book you read? killers of the flower moon: the osage murders and the birth of the fbi, or the his dark materials series.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? well i knew about tswift so i’m not going to count her albums. i will count this song that jon played for me once in the car that got stuck in my head for two weeks straight and led me down into a great related-songs spotify playlist: through the roof ‘n underground.

28. What did you want and get? a wedding dress and a very specific kind of wedding band. a gay angel. a christmas getaway. animal crossing.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? idk i don’t know how many films i saw this year. maybe mucho mucho amor: the legend of walter mercado

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i was 32. we went to an escape room with a BUNCH of people -- work bff, my old work bff and his wife (old bc he quit and we’ve fallen out of touch :(), the cool new physics teacher and his fiancee, and the aforementioned trump voter and his wife, before we knew... we went out for brunch/lunch after. it was pretty great!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not having to chaperone that school trip in january. dean being bi in english as well as spanish. cas just ilke, appearing in 15x20. not having to physically go back to work this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? no! real! pants!

34. What kept you sane? jon. supernatural (in a way?). animal crossing for a while. wellbutrin! i haven’t really been able to detail this yet, but finally i did something about tumblr and my therapist making me think about adhd. my doctor gave me wellbutrin (bc i lack any official diagnosis and was on anxiety meds anyway, and he was like let’s try this!) and it’s fucking. it’s a fucking godsend. surprisingly enough, my students. trying to provide them a safe space has been a calming thing for me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jensen ackles’ silence. misha collins again, i guess.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the summer was so fucking intense. i guess though it was me trying to exert my influence in a responsible way with my students without trying to try to make them feel uncomfortable but then one kid was a vocally upset trump supporter after the election and i had to try to defuse that situation.

37. Who did you miss? my old work bff. several old friends that i’ve fallen out of touch with bc i have no object permanence.

38. Who was the best new person you met? people i met through the spn resurgence!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020: if you manifest it in an au, it will come. no really though. maybe that expectations are only as important as i make them out to be.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: usually i have a hard time coming up with anything for this and i default to looking at my most played songs of the year. my most played song of the year received each and every one of its plays within the month of november and you can guess why. anyway see if this works

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met - the night we met, lord huron

[khadijatries]

The End And Beginning- Ateez Fanfic

(Seonghwa x Y/N (Bibi)) 

(SONG REC: I’M SORRY- THE ROSE)

Bibi was hoping it would feel different when she saw his face. She’d hoped she flushed him out of her system by now.

 The Earth continued to spin. The stars they had watched together still glowed impossibly through the universe, just as they did then. She wanted to tell them to shut up. To beg them to disappear already because they were dead anyway. Why couldn’t they go quietly.

 Or maybe it was her feelings she was talking to. Because as she stood in the middle of the carpark, with her hands trembling from cold or emotion, tucked into her pockets, she felt like he was the answer. As though if she didn’t run to him right then, she would die.

 She tilted her head, hoping that maybe the different angle would provide new perspective on how she felt. That perhaps she was overreacting, and this situation was not all she felt like it was.

 Nope. Still handsome. Still painful.

 She wondered whether seeing him sitting alone on the speaker box, without the guitar he fine tuned before every performance, looking like more of a wreck than her, should have made her felt better.

Huffing out an ironic laugh, she concluded that she would have felt the same if he’d been sitting with all of his fangirls and laughing raucously, completely happy and satisfied.

 Sniffing away her tears, she reached out to him with glassy eyes and pretended to grab his tiny figure and put him in her pocket. She’ll keep this feeling, to remember the ache.

 A deep breath, a slow eyelid shutter, a pivot on her heels.

 She wouldn’t stay. Neither of them deserved that.

 But when the car door closed in a sort of finality she didn’t expect, her flood gates didn’t hold, and Bibi found herself sobbing into the image of her love, isolated from the world because of what they had done.

 And yet, all they had done, was fall in love and hope.

Seonghwa knew she was there.

He stayed impossibly still, his heart violently hammering inside his chest, sweat dripping down his brow from the effort it took not to get up and just go to her. Even if she didn’t accept it, he wanted to get on his knees and say, ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘Don’t go’.

 None of it would’ve made a difference since she’d made up her mind. They both did. He’d been part of that decision. It was never okay though.

 Not when the idea occurred to him. Not when he voiced his opinion to his best friend. Not when he told Bibi. Not when she’d agreed. Not when he walked away. Not when she didn’t answer his calls after his regret.

 At every turn his mind, body and soul screamed NO. WRONG. STOP.

 He looked down at his phone, at the picture of her eating ramyeon in the middle of the night outside her apartment. He called her that day to tell her that he would never let her go, even if she wanted to leave she couldn’t. She laughed and said she’d never want to. That was months ago.

 His grip tightened as the 2 minutes he expected her to stand in the crowd to attain her closure extended into 10 minutes. 15…

Once the clock his 8 30, he would go to her.

 But at 8 27, she turned on her heel and Seonghwa couldn’t help but leap after her, frantically searching for her car as the crowd grew thicker, and the concert began.

It didn’t take long to spot it, and her, with dark hair all that was in view as she shook and banged her head against the hooter.

 Seonghwa’s heart crumbled, and he did fall to his knees, clutching his chest, muttering apologies, telling her not to go, and desperately swallowing back all his despair.

 This distance and separation, besides being unusual for them, was too cruel. But Seonghwa promised that his desire to never let her go would never fade, and that ultimately he would be by her side again.

(SONG RED: ABYSS- JIN BTS)

The birds were talking again. Their incessant chirping was infuriating today, especially since they were talking about her.

  “Ah, the poor thing. She hasn’t moved an inch since yesterday.” Bird 1 said, watching her pitifully from its daily perch in front of her window. “I hope she finished the research she was busy with.”

 “As if.” Bird 2 scoffed, studying her dishevelled clothes, and unwashed hair. “Is she even still breathing? She hasn’t blinked since we got here.”

 Bibi blinked to reassure the birds and slumped deeper onto her desk.

 “Poor thing. This must be her first time.”

 “What do you mean ‘must be’? It shows that it is.”

 “Be nice! She’s going through a lot right now.”

 “YEAH BE NICE!” Bibi suddenly got up from her chair, the exhaustion finally getting to her, influencing her degree of delusion.

 Just then, the bedroom door shut, and she swivelled around in shock to see her mother standing quietly at the door like she was the one being caught in an insane rage.

 “Good morning.” She said sheepishly, approaching Bibi slowly, so as not to startle her already shaken child.

 Bibi slumped back into her chair. “What’s good about it?”

 Her mother sat at the edge of her bed and studied her quietly. She was worried, of course. Bibi had deep bags beneath her usually clear eyes, and her decisiveness was missing.

 “Its Monday.” Her mother said. “And I wanted to remind you that you have work today.”

 “I’ll call in sick.”

Her mother nodded, trusting that Bibi had a handle on whatever it is that was happening. “I also wanted to tell you that, although I love having you at home, and your dad is over the moon that you’re staying, we’re both a lot better now, so if you wanted to go back to your apartment, we’d be okay with it.”

 “I won’t go till dad is in the clear.” It wasn’t a lie, per say. It was the half truth that Bibi was using to convince herself that it was okay to hide here for a bit longer.

 “Okay. But if you need to talk about anything I’m here.” She got up to leave hesitantly, hoping Bibi would open up today, after 3 days of staying couped up in her room, not even eating.

 “Go to work, Mom, I’ll be fine.” She weakly convinced her mother. It was hard to believe it herself. Usually, she would at least put in an effort to make sure they wouldn’t worry about her, but that seemed like too much for her right then.

 After a firm hug and kiss on the cheek her mom left. She waited to hear her car start and then flopped back into bed.

 How did things that felt natural and easy just about a month ago feel like they could kill her to do them now. Smiling for her parents’ sake, even if she was completely exhausted or angry was never any effort. It killed her to think she couldn’t muster the will to care. Or even to bath, eat or sleep, let alone working.

Working….

She had a job. One she’d really wanted.

After a few minutes of staring blankly at her ceiling, Bibi gathered all the strength she had to get up, take a shower and get dressed into something remotely appropriate for work.

 With a heavy sigh, and wondering just what the hell she thought she was doing, she packed her unfinished research and case files into her bag that felt unnecessarily weighted. She descended the steps in a daze, grabbing a muffin and sitting at the kitchen counter, still deciding whether or not she should be a menace to society by living.

 It was easier said than done to focus her thoughts, when everything she saw, heard and smelled reminded her of him. He was everywhere, even without ever having been there. Even though he never sat at the kitchen counter at her parents’ house, he was somehow sitting across from her now with a very suggestive smile. The smile that got him anything he wanted.

 “Go away.” she said aloud, wishing he were actually there.

 She wasn’t sure if she would swipe everything off the counter and demand he kiss her, or have him in a headlock to choke the living breath out of him so that he would be really gone. Maybe he would haunt her then, and they could-

 “Rude.” He said, tilting his head.

 Bibi jumped back, off the stool, tripping on her way, but when she looked back up, he was gone. She frantically looked around the empty kitchen, and… on the other end of the counter was Kj.

 She was busy picking at her own muffin, unphased that Bibi was having a heart attack.

 “… When did you get here?”

 “Do you want me to pretend you weren’t talking to yourself about ways to murder someone?” She lifted her brows in question.

 Bibi was about to protest when she realised that was probably what she was doing. “Did… you hear anything else I was talking to myself about?”

 “What? Making out?” Kj teased. “Not if you didn’t want me to.”

 Bibi huffed out a half laugh, completely surprised herself. Kj paused, eyes wide and pointed at her in shock.

 “Did you just… laugh?” Kj grabbed her shoulders and studied her face. “Ohmygod, thank goodness. I thought I would have to make friends in the real world and I wouldn’t because I’m completely incapable of human interaction!”

 “And what am I?” Bibi protested, kind of feeling a sudden spike in her energy levels.

 “Oh you think you’re considered human? After starving yourself for 3 days? After ignoring my calls? After making me wait outside your door all night? You’re a stone cold bitch, my friend.” Kj spoke frankly, not allowing any of the intense concern she felt for her friend to show.

 “You were here? In the house?” Bibi didn’t think she was that far gone so as not to notice her presence.

 Kj only nodded and stared. Bibi could tell there were many things beneath this façade she was attempting to put up, that Kj wanted to ask. That her mother avoided asking her.

 “OKAY I CAN’T TAKE IT!” Kj burst after 2 whole seconds. “I might cry if you continue to give me this blank look.” She waved a hand in Bibi’s face. Let’s fix you.”

 Bibi swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, because she too, couldn’t stand her own blank stare, the endless tears and the painful fatigue. “I don’t want to stay this way either.” She admitted.

 “GOOD! But first you have to drive me to campus and get to work.” She declared, grabbing Bibi’s keys and heading to the car.

 Instead of plugging in their usual playlist, Kj waited for Bibi to start the car and pull out onto the road, then asked, hoping she would let her in after all this time. “Want to tell me what happened now?”

 “No.” Bibi replied instantly.

 “And why not, Bibi?” Kj was sure to lose her patience today. She didn’t like to push, but she was already angry at the world for putting her best friend in this position to begin with.

 “Because you would get unnecessarily angry and hurt for me, and one of us feeling shitty is quite enough.” Bibi justified, attempting to switch on the radio.

 Kj switched it off immediately. “Are you dumb?” She  looked at her blankly. “Do you just not want me to get mad and Seonghwa and beat his ass?”

 Bibi would’ve thought it was joke, and it would have been in any other circumstance, but Kj’s tone wasn’t a joking one. Frankly, she was growing redder by the second, and if she didn’t calm down she would combust. And most probably Seonghwa would get the brunt of it since they were on the same campus, and Bibi couldn’t be there to prevent it.

 “The only reason you wouldn’t tell me what was going on is if you thought I would try to do something about it.” Kj was right about that, to be fair. Why else would she not confide in the embodiment of confidante for her. “And that would mean that if you told me, and I did get angry, he did do something to get angry about.”

The longer she spoke about him, the more unstable and displaced Bibi felt.

“I didn’t even tell you anything and you’re on a warpath, trying to defend my honour.” She didn’t realise that she was going to shout, but she did, and soon, tears welled in her eyes. “He didn’t do anything wrong, Kj.”

 “Then why won’t you tell me what happened?!” Kj shouted back, her throat also growing thick with held back grief.

 “Because that’s my opinion! And yours might be different! Just leave him alone!”

 “If you think my opinion would be different, maybe your opinion is wrong!”

 Bibi pulled over at the entrance of the campus. “It’s over! That’s all you need to know.”

For the first time since they’d begun to shout at each other, the girls looked at each other. They were both dangerously on the brink of crying, brows crunched together and breathing heavily.

Bibi thought that if she continued to think about him, and remember him, she wouldn’t get through this day.

“I’m not angry that you don’t want to tell me what happened.” Kj confessed, still entirely too high strung to talk at a normal volume. “That’s fine. But I am angry that you’re not okay. I miss my friend and roommate. I miss you! I don’t give a shit about Seonghwa. I want you back!”

“Well I’m so sorry to disappoint you, Kj. I’m fucked up and broken, so teach yourself how to make new friends.”

 Kj was taken aback and sprang back like she’d been burned. That hurt, but it brought her anger back to a simmering state as she clenched her teeth and nodded. “You’re hurting.” She said quietly. “But you need to let me help you get through it.”

 “Go to campus and focus on your own life.” Bibi said, all too tired to continue listening. She didn’t even really know what words were being exchanged. Her head flopped against the steering wheel and when she looked up again, Kj was gone.

 She hoped against hope that Kj didn’t make anyone bleed today.

(SONG REC: BANG CHAN- I DONT WANT TO ADMIT)

 Seonghwa was standing by the tree for almost an hour now. At first he felt like he was incognito, ducking everytime he saw a silver car pull up, but now he just seemed like a creep, especially with more and more people arriving closer to class time.

 He had to be early since he had a few details of a performance to iron out with his band mates, or at least that's what he told himself.

 "Seonghwa, the level of stalker is increasing by the second." Wooyoung reminded him, for the 6th time that morning.

 Seonghwa's face heated up in embarrassment taking in his position once again. He was only comforted by Hongjoong giving their younger friend a smack on the head with a textbook.

 "Focus Wooyoung!" Hongjoong scolded Wooyoung, and continued to tutor him on the bench nearby. He, Seonghwa and Yeosang were the only members of their band who actually cared about their academics, but they always tried to 'encourage' and 'inspire' all of them.

 By that it means it most probably involved a textbook beating, or cutting them off from practicing.

 "How much longer are we waiting?" San asked from beside him, in plain view, casually leaning against the trunk.

 "San! Get back! She'll obviously see you!" Seonghwa chided, and shoved San back to the bench.

 "THERE SHE IS THERE SHE IS!" San pointed. Seonghwa whipped around, only to be disappointed at the youngers joke, accompanied by Wooyoungs laughter. 

 He cried out in frustration and was ready to beat them both up when he caught sight of her car himself.

 At that point, he forgot everything. There was only her.

 He didn't want to do anything but take 1 single look. That's all he could afford to take. He deserved nothing else. 

  He was taken out of his reverie when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

 He didn't want to take his attention away form her but they were very persistent.

 He turned around to find San worriedly pointing at a figure on the pathway, glaring right at him.

 Ah. He should have expected this. He was busy thinking about what a big asshole he was. 

 Kj only stared, however, and continued her run toward campus.

 "She does not look happy." Wooyoung quipped. "I would be careful of that one and her resources." 

  Yeosang wasn't the type to meddle in other people's relationships. But this band became more than 'other people' to him. He would help fix any of their shit in a heart beat. And that kind of scared him. But as he stood, and watched his hyung agonize over, frankly, a very precious gem of a human, a plan began to form in his mind. 

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 28

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k - 4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: filler chapter again sorry! but i tried to make it cute! i didnt plan a sex scene but its there sooo yea haha lol

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : 2 requests! i hope i wrote them right! love them btw! please keep sending them!!!

Chapter 28 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I thought we would have sex before we went to bed but I must have fallen asleep faster than I wanted to. Niall also probably undressed me because when I woke up in the middle of the night, I was wearing his shirt and nothing else. I smiled, keeping my eyes closed, and brought my shoulder closer to my nose. It smelled like him even if he probably didn't wear it for too long since he had a buttoned shirt at the wedding. I turned around in bed, trying to reach him with my arm but he wasn't there and I let out a short whimper before forcing myself to open my eyes.

The room was dark and quiet and it made a shiver run in my back. I got up and realized his shirt was a bit short. I searched through my stuff for a clean pair of panties and put it on before quietly getting out of the room. Everything was dark except for a very low and warm light in the living room. I walked slowly closer and leaned against the wall when I saw Niall sitting on the couch. He was writing very quickly in his notebook and he was so concentrated that he didn't even notice me. It was always special for me to see him when he seemed to be so deep in his thoughts that no one could get in his bubble. His hair was a mess and once in a while, he ran his hand in it, making the mess even worse. I stared at him for a while as he kept his focus on the paper, wearing only his boxers and making me realize he probably woke up in the middle of the night with an idea that he couldn't let go of. Something that he knew he wouldn’t remember in the morning but that he just had to write about.

I didn't know how long I stayed there but I didn't want to interrupt him or distract him. I just walked back to the room after a while and lied down in bed, looking at the ceiling. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened to me in the past few months and somehow, I felt like everything was going for the better. The more time passed, the more It seemed like I was discovering who I was and what I wanted.

It was so obvious that what I wanted was Niall but more than that, what I really wanted was a healthy relationship with Niall. I wanted us to be the kind of couple that would drip with sweetness but that also could spend time without each other without going crazy. I wanted him to be my best friend but not my only friend and I didn't want either of us to be afraid, insecure, jealous or unhappy. I knew I was asking a lot, and I knew not everything could be perfect all the time, but I knew Niall and I together could come very fucking close to perfection.

I tried to stay awake until he came back to sleep but once again, I probably had fallen asleep despite myself because when I woke up again, the sun was already up and I had a small headache. I groaned and this time, I knew he was still in bed. I could feel the warmth of his body close to mine and I turned in the sheets, wrapping my arm around his back. His cheek was flat against the mattress just like his chest and I watched him sleep, his lips parted and slightly twisted as he let out a low snore. Fuck, he was so hot and I just stared at him with my eyes half-open for a few minutes, or maybe 15? 20? Who knew?

When I realized how bad I needed to pee, I finally got up very slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake him up. He was always up before me but I knew he had been up a big part of the night to write something and I wanted him to get the rest he needed and clearly deserved.

I made coffee and stayed next to the coffee machine as I watched it fall down, yawning a few times before adding cream and sugar in my cup. I couldn't stop thinking about him going on tour and being separated from him for weeks and it made something twist in my chest. Of course, I didn't want to be the girl who would follow him everywhere. I was not that girl anymore. I was not dependent of the man I loved, and I had stuff to do and commitments, too. We were about to start filming the new season of my tv show and although I dreaded playing with Dylan I knew it was something we had to do. It would be awkward at first, for sure, but in the end, I knew he was professional and I promised myself I would be, too.

I finished my coffee but left the cup in the sink before walking to the living room. It was supposed to be a lazy day and I was surprised my head didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, or that I wasn't nauseous at all despite all the champagne I had drank the night before.

I sat on the couch and pushed the stuff on it to find the remote. It showed that I was spending time at Niall's : his place had never been so messy and I suddenly felt guilty. I finally found the remote but looked at it before sighing, putting it back on the coffee table as I took the decision to clean a bit while he was still asleep. Something caught my attention and even if I knew I shouldn't, I grabbed hos notebook to the page it was opened and started reading. Niall rarely shared his writing with random people until it was a final product and all the songs I had heard was because I had crept on him somehow. I was not proud of it but at the same time, he never really seemed angry about it. I remembered that time when we were all at his place and I had followed the sound of his guitar until I practically fell in the room like a loser as he was playing a song. At that time, I had thought it was about Heidi but now that I knew it was about me, I wished I could remember what the lyrics were. All I could remember was that I had deeply hoped that it was for me. That thought made something twist in my chest and I licked my lips before letting my eyes roam on the words I was probably not supposed to see.

"I want the world to witness When we finally say I do It's the way you love I gotta give it back to you I can't promise picket fences Or sunny afternoons But, at night when I close my eyes"

A lot of words seemed to be scratched a few times and then I could read something that seemed like a chorus.

"Yeah, I see us in black and white Crystal clear on a star lit night In all your gorgeous colors I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life See you standing in your dress Swear in front of all our friends There'll never be another I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life"

I swallowed and ran my fingers on the ink, feeling the tiny rifts and bumps in the paper and feeling my heart beating so fast in my chest that I had a hard time to breathe.

"Now, we're sitting here in your living room Telling stories while we share a drink or two And there's a vision I've been holding in my mind We're 65 and you ask "When did I first know?" I always knew."

And just when I thought it was probably not about me, I saw a word that was also scratched at the end of the lyrics and I could swear it started with a capital O. I grabbed the notebook, moving it up and putting the simple sheet where the song was written in the light. It appeared clearly. My name at the bottom. I didn't know why it was crossed out and I was not sure I wanted to know. but as I re-read the lyrics for the tenth time, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It was a wedding song.

After a few minutes, I finally started moving again. I cleaned the living room, washed the dishes, started laundry and even started cleaning the windows. All while thinking about the song, the lyrics hitting inside my brain and doing something incredible to my heart : something I hadn't felt ever before. I would never tell him but if Niall asked me to marry him at this exact moment, I would say yes. Was it because of the great time we had the night before? Or maybe because we were so happy together these days? I had no idea. But I knew I'd say yes in a heartbeat. Tomorrow, I couldn't tell you what my answer would be but today? It would be a million times yes.

I saw him walk behind me in the reflection of the now extra clean windows and my lips immediately curled. He placed himself behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning his chin on my shoulder, and suddenly, I felt so much better than I did only a few minutes ago, even if I was still happy before.

"You should have waken me up." he whispered in my ear. "I would have helped you. Especially that you're cleaning wearing only a shirt and panties. I'd love to see you on all four as you clean the floor."

I laughed and raised my nose up as he kissed a spot near my ear. It was not only my love for him that made my heart jump when he was near, it was more than that. It was who he was, who I hoped he would always be.

"Tell me you'll always do that, that you'll always say things like that."

He pulled away slightly and turned his head more to look at me. I waited for his answer but he was waiting for me to look at him and I gave in, my eyes finally meeting his.

"Hold you? Kiss you? Tell you that I love and lust you?" he asked low, raising his eyebrows. I bit my bottom lip and nodded. "I promise. I swear. You have my words. And my heart. And my body, soul and mind."

My traits softened and I turned in his arms to face him, wrapping mine around his neck, moving my chin up to kiss him. He pushed me gently against the window as we kissed and I felt my butt press against it, making me chuckle.

"I'm gonna have to clean that window again." I let out with a smile as he chuckled against my lips.

"Or, you know, we can leave it like that." he proposed, shrugging a shoulder. "Your butt print seems like a nice decoration."

I'm the one who laughed this time. "You? Leaving a dirty window without touching it? Who are you trying to fool, Horan?"

"Don't call me that." he just said in a serious tone, raising his eyebrows.

"Or what?"I asked, teasing him with a sassy voice.

"Or I'm gonna tickle you." he pointed out, making my heart skip a beat. "I'm gonna tickle you until you beg me to stop."

"Sure, Horan." I tried to provoke him, putting emphasis on his last name.

He stared at me for a few seconds but suddenly and quickly, he picked me up and brought me to the couch. I was surprised that he could actually support my weight and he finally let me fall on the couch as I bounced on the cushions but he quickly straddled me, grabbing my wrists and pulling them over my head. When was the last time we played like that? It had been so long I couldn't remember.

"Apologize now." he ordered, looking down at me.

I could feel his grip tighten on my wrists and I licked my lips. "Never."

"Last chance." he let out, making me smirk.

"Bite me, Horan."

Quickly, he brought his free hand to my waist and started tickling me. Immediately, I started squirming, trying to get out of his grip as I let out a few high pitched yells. It made him laugh and it made me remember how much I hated to be tickled. After a while, he stopped and my lips parted as I started panting.

"You looking like that? God. Makes me want to tie you up and have my way with you."

I let out a short laughter and he started tickling me again until I started screaming his name.

"Niall! Niall stop! I c-can't!"

He did as I asked and smirked. "Beg me." he let out, shaking his eyebrows. "Apologize and beg me."

"Mm, I'm so sorry, Niall." I whispered with puppy eyes. "Please I'm begging you, stop tickling me?"

"Don't you fucking pout like that, it makes me want to fuck your mouth."

I laughed louder this time, tilting my head back slightly and closing my eyes as I felt his hand run up my breasts.

"And you say I'm the horny one!"

"Heyyy!" he argued with a frown. "I fingered you last night and I didn't cum at all, remember?"

My smirk disappeared and I just smiled at him. "You want to cum now?"

He groaned and raised his nose up. "I feel like all we do is fuck."

I shrugged and he finally let go of my wrists. I brought my hands to his pants and slid one in them, raising my eyebrows again but in surprise this time.

"You went commando?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he reached for my shirt and moved it up to expose my breasts as I took his cock out of his pants, stroking him slowly with both my hands. He breathed in and then out, letting out a very short whimper and one of his hands moved back to reach between my legs. He moved two of his fingertips on my panties, brushing against my clit and I pressed my lips together. I tried to focus on what my hands were doing and spit on his cock before running my fingers right under his tip. He groaned and brought his hand back to grab one of my breasts hard and I started stroking him harder.

"That feels so fucking good." he admitted, running his thumb on my nipple. "I tried doing that to myself and it just doesn't work. It has to be your hands."

I didn't tell him but it probably could have been anyone's hands except his and even if he probably knew it, I didn't want to point it out just in case. He took his cock in his hands, making me hold my breath and take my hands away and quickly, he tapped his cock on my tits before rubbing his tip on my nipples.

"Please, petal, push your tits together."

My heart jumped so high in my chest that I had to swallow it back.

"Niall, I don't think my boobs are big enough to-"

"Do it." he cut me.

I bit my bottom lip and did as he asked, just watching him spit in his hand and rub his cock again. My lips parted when he put his cock between my breasts and he was so focused on what he was doing that he didn't even look at me again. I could pretend otherwise but watching him using me to cum was actually exciting and when he groaned, I pressed my thighs together as I felt my pussy throb. I loved the feeling of his cock sliding quickly between my breasts and the thought in itself was driving me insane. After a while, he took his dick back in his hand and started jerking off harder until his lips parted.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered as I held my breath.

He shook slightly over me, moaning low as his cum spurted on my chest and breasts. I just remained motionless as he came down from his high, letting out a low 'fuck" and rubbing his tip on my nipples again, spreading his cum on me.

He sighed and sat on me, putting his cock back in his pants as I stared at him and he shook his head.

"I'm so.. so sorry. I was just so..."

"Horny? Yea I noticed." I chuckled, letting my lips curl as he finally looked back at me.

"I didn't really give you much attention, did I?" he asked, raising his nose up. I could read guilt on his face and my lips curled. "I'm sorry, pet."

"I'm just... I'm glad I made you cum. Didn't think that would be so exciting, but it was." I admitted, pulling my shirt back over my breasts as he laughed. "Also didn't think it was possible with my boobs."

"Your boobs are perfect." he pointed out before getting up and holding his hand out for me.

I put my hand in his and his fingers gripped mine as he helped me get up, letting his eyes roam on my face. He bent down to kiss me and I closed my eyes at the way it made my heart jump in my chest.

"Lazy day yea?" he proposed in a breath, his mouth still pressed against mine. "You go take a shower and I'll close all the curtains, find a good tv show to binge on netflix, and order something, chinese maybe?"

I nodded quickly and smiled. "That sounds perfect."

I took a quick shower and put on a pair of his sweatpants and one of his shirts and when I got back in the living room, he had brought pillows and blankets, a few beers and was waiting for me with the remote in hands. I stared at him for a while, just trying to live the moment and realize how lucky I was, before finally sitting next to him. He looked up at me with a smile and I pushed the pillows away to lean against his chest as his back was against the side of the couch. His legs were spread but they moved a bit close to both my sides, kind of to trap me close to him. He tried to put the blanket over us and I helped him before squirming slightly to be more comfortable.

"Hey, watch the goods, yea?"

I laughed but still took care of where I was moving and he wrapped one of his arms around me.

"Remember this spot because food will be there in half an hour and we're gonna have to do it all over again." he said, making me groan and making him laugh. "Seriously though, it feels good to have you here with me just to have a lazy day."

I felt my heart swell and smiled more, turning to kiss his jaw gently. He looked down and his lips met mine and he deepened the kiss just as the first episode of a series we both wanted to watch started.

"How will I be able to focus on anything but you today, mm?" I let out, half-joking.

He rolled his eyes with a low chuckle and we both focused on the tv for a while. I groaned when the doorbell rang and he laughed again. I sat up to let him get up and when he came back with the food, I realized how hungry I was. we ate again in silence but I couldn't stop glancing at him. There was something endearing in the way he used his chopsticks to push the noddles in his mouth and I only realized I was staring when he turned his gaze to me and chuckled. I blinked a few times and looked away as he swallowed his food.

"It's okay, you can stare. I stare at you too, you know. You just don't notice."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and put my food away.

"Just like I stared at you for about twenty minutes in the middle of the night." I confessed, making him frown. "You were sitting here, in only your boxers, and you were writing. You were so focused on what you were doing that you never noticed me."

I couldn't add that I had found him gorgeous with his messy hair and his tired eyes. I couldn't say that I had felt a wave of love so strong that I almost started crying. I couldn't tell him that because it still embarrassed me to be so in love with him. Not because I didn't want to be, but because I was scared I would end up losing him again.

His lips curled into a smile and he pushed the air out of his lungs. "I was writing a song. For you. About you."

My lips crashed against his and he replied to the kiss quickly, pushing his tongue deep in my mouth as I whimpered. He didn't know that I had read it and I suddenly felt guilty but he literally confirmed that his lyrics were about me and somehow, it made me ecstatic. So ecstatic that I surprised myself wishing he'd ask me to marry him as soon as our lips would part.

"I didn't know if I should tell you but, Olivia, I'm so happy we're both single right now. I know it's wrong to say that but fuck, I'm happy with you. Just you and I. No guilt, no stress, no question. You and me, living this moment."

I kissed him again, not knowing what to answer. I was happy too. I was happier than I had ever been, even before we broke up, and I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to jinx this by claiming my happiness out loud. I didn't want to risk this happiness with an official relationship because last time didn't end well. It was ridiculous. All my fears made no sense, but it didn't make them vanish to know that.

"I love you, Niall." I whispered, leaving small kisses slowly on his mouth, jaw and cheeks. "I love you more than anything. No one is you."

He finally let go of his chopsticks to cup my face and he breathed in before his mouth found mine again.

"I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life." he murmured quickly before kissing me again.

My heart jumped when I recognized the lyrics and it made me wonder how often he talked to me with his own lyrics. I wanted to hear all of them. One time, twice, three times... a hundred fucking times. I wanted him to play me all the songs that were for me, to sing them, to whisper them, to yell them. I wanted him to make love to me while he'd do it, to hold my hand as we walked outside as he'd sing, to fucking marry me as he'd yell. I wanted him to claim his love for me until I'd be tired to hear it. And deep down, I knew I'd never be.

"I have a weekend left before I leave for tour." he just said sadly, breaking my heart. "I thought we could leave. Pack a bag, take the road, only you and me, for a few days."

My lips curled so much that my cheeks started hurting and I quickly nodded. I really wanted to spend quality time with him while it was still possible and I kissed his lips again.

"That's a yes?" he made sure as I nodded. "Okay then, we're leaving in 3 days. So cancel all the plans you had."

I laughed and licked my lips, licking his at the same time because of the proximity of our mouths.

"Niall? I'm sorry, I had planned to spend all my days with you but this super hot guy just asked me on a road trip so I'm gonna have to rain check."

He laughed and shook his head slightly. "Dork."

He pulled away slightly to stare at me as we completely forgot the show playing. I grabbed the remote and put it on pause before looking back at him and tilting my head. I needed him more than I ever needed him before and it was scaring me so bad I could feel my heart trying to escape my rib cage in intense thumps.

"Tell me you love me." I whispered as I bit my bottom lip nervously. "Please, Niall."

His face changed and he moved closer. I thought he'd kiss me again but instead, he got serious and I felt him grab my hands.

"I love you, Olivia. I'm in love with you. I never stopped, not one second. And I never will. Do you want me to repeat it every day? At which frequency? Every 6 hours? 4 hours? Two? I'll put a damn alarm on my phone to tell you in the middle of the night if I have to." he said in a soft tone. "I know it was different when we dated, but I will never let you believe that you are not perfect the way you are, that you are not everything I want and need, or that you are not loved. Never again. I swear, Olivia. I fucking love you."

[alarawriting]

52 Project #1: The Chicken Story

Every part of this story is true. Even the lies. In fact, especially the lies.

***

Yes, I live in the city and I have chickens, no thanks to city legislature. You’d think that cities would be more supportive of having chickens; they kill rats and they produce eggs, what’s not to like? Well, okay, chicken poop isn’t all that pleasant and they destroy all the plants in their run, but unlike, say, cat or dog poop, chicken poop is useful as fertilizer. The city’s somewhat tolerant of hens, but they’re appallingly sexist toward roosters; I mean, yes, the poor guys are loud, but so are dogs and I don’t see anyone banning dog ownership within city limits. Roosters protect their flock from predators and they can serve as watch animals. They don’t actually crow to tell you it’s dawn, though, that’s a myth. Mostly they crow to tell you “Goddamn, yo, check me out, I’m a rooster.” Or something like that. If roosters could talk they would absolutely perform hip-hop.

Anyway, I have a funny story about those chickens, and roosters, and my son, who’s a ninja. No, I’m not making this up, it’s his superpower. He could be standing right there and I could be looking for him and I wouldn’t see him. He’s not invisible, he’s just… very good at going unnoticed. That was really helpful when we were trying to get our second house.

Oh, yeah, so this place is actually two halves of a duplex, and originally, we owned just one. Then the neighbor overextended himself bricking up all the yards back there. You see the street back there? All the yards behind my house are made of concrete now. Rudest thing you ever saw, because they didn’t put in drainage, so all those yards that used to be soil and dirt ended up flooding, directly into my garage. I had my car floating in it, out to the street. I mean, it was raining pretty heavy and all the cars down at the bottom of the hill were also floating, but I’m halfway up the hill so you wouldn’t expect my car to float, but no, I open my garage, and there it is, bobbing up and down. I loved that car. It floated down the street and ended up in the river – yeah, there’s a river down there, you can’t tell most of the time because it’s so shallow it’s barely a creek, but that day it was overflowing and my car floated right into it and sailed off. Never got it back. Pretty sure it’s in the bay someplace. Now all we have is my wife’s minivan, because she was at her parents’ house with the younger kids that weekend, and I’m really not a fan. Who builds a car large enough to transport drywall but too small to stretch your legs if you’re an adult man? Honda, that’s who. She doesn’t care because she’s short, but I miss my car. It was a Chevy Impala, we called it Vlad because you have to call an Impala Vlad, right? Vlad the Impala? Come on, it’s a Dracula joke.

Right, so anyway, the reason they’re all bricked up is that my neighbor was trying to buy up all the properties there, so he had a business offering people that he’d brick up their yard – no more tickets from the city about high grass and weeds, no more kids sneaking into the back to grow illicit tomatoes, no rats – and a lot of people took him up on it, because they didn’t realize about the flooding. Sure, most of it ended up in my garage, but a lot of it ended up in people’s basements, and no one around here has flood insurance, we’re halfway up a hill. And that dislodged the ghosts. See, most of this city’s built on an ancient burial ground of some kind or other… I don’t think Native American, I think it was one of those colonial cemeteries or something, so when you flood basements, you’re gonna get ghosts. And that meant people trying to sell their properties because they’re haunted. So he figured he’d buy up all the houses on the block cheap, right? Except some investigators came in from a government agency and they figured out that he’d known about the ghosts and that’s why he talked people into letting him pour concrete all over their yards, so there were lawsuits – I considered joining in myself, but at the time, he lived on the other half of my house so I didn’t want to stir things up. And at the end of the lawsuits, he was the one who had to sell his house for cheap in a big hurry or face foreclosure, because he’d had to mortgage his house like three times to pay the lawsuits.

Well, we tried to get it legitimately. My wife’s name isn’t on the title to my house, so she was eligible for an FHA loan. But they absolutely refused to believe that she wanted to buy the house next door to the one she was living in just to live in it. They were convinced she wanted to rent it out. She pointed out that the mortgage payments were like twice what anyone would pay to rent a place around here – yay for gentrification, I guess – but they weren’t convinced. So we rented her an apartment and she was going to live in it for six months so that she could go back and get the FHA loan – I mean, she wasn’t really living in it, she was just storing her books in it, but no one was going to be able to tell she wasn’t living in it because if an auditor came to the house, she had it rigged with cameras and speakers and whatnot so she could talk to people remotely and tell them not to come in because of the books, and if you looked through the windows you could see that you couldn’t see a damn thing because of the piles of books everywhere, like seven-foot-tall stacks of books all over the place. But before she could go back to get the loan, the bank finished foreclosing on the guy and then the house wasn’t available for sale.

Now, see, we knew that sooner or later, the bank was going to sell that house, so we went into action. Here’s where my son being a ninja came in; we had him go over there and steal all the doors inside the house and hide them in the attic. The embarrassing thing is that he forgot where he put them so the entire house still doesn’t have doors. We have to have a curtain up in front of the bathroom, since it’s an old house and the width of the doorjamb doesn’t match the sizes they make doors anymore. The cops came and searched for the doors – I think they were suspicious that we took them, since how many houses have a ninja? But after they went up into the attic and two of them fell through the ceiling and broke their ribs, they decided it wasn’t worth their time. Also, I kept pointing out to them about the lawsuit, and the ghosts, like my family was the only one who’d have motivation to steal the doors? Really?

Then we filled the bathroom with dead rats. I guess this requires a little bit of explanation. We didn’t have the chickens yet, or the assassin cat – did I tell you about my assassin cat? No? Well, let me finish telling you about the house first. So we had a lot of rats, and we were poisoning them, as you do when you’ve got that many rats, and we also had traps, and a giant dollhouse with murder dolls in it. You’ve never used a murder doll on a rat? It’s a doll that’s got a knife in its hand, and when the sensors in its eyes detect that there’s a rat walking by, it starts slashing at it like Jason at camp. My wife dressed them up nice so the rats would be fooled, and changed their clothes every day so they wouldn’t smell like rat blood. They had these frilly Victorian white outfits that she just drowned in bleach to get the dead rat smells out.

So anyway, when you’ve got four dozen dead rats, what do you do with them? If you put them all out in trash bags, the city might condemn your house for having that many rats. Never mind that most of them were swarming over from the other house anyway because it was abandoned. So we piled up the dead rat bodies in the bathroom. Then my son stole their refrigerator and rolled it out in the late evening, strolling along with it, mostly because at the time he wasn’t 18 yet but also because ninja, and we loaded it into my wife’s minivan and drove it to a friend’s house because his wife had gotten drunk on cheap wine and stabbed their refrigerator to death with a knife. Apparently it was a really big knife. Then we took the oven, which was good, because there were rats living in it, and we hid it in our garage, which we didn’t keep cars in anymore because of the risk of the garage flooding and the cars floating away. Since we were cognizant of the cops potentially looking for the oven, I let my wife take all the books back out of the apartment she’d been renting because we couldn’t really use it for what we’d intended anyway, and she stacked them all around the oven, and after she was done not only could you not tell there was an oven in there, but you didn’t want to go anywhere near it because you were afraid of a seven-foot-tall stack of books toppling over on you, and I’ve never met a cop who’s seven feet tall. They never did come by, though. Which was good, because the first time it rained, my wife went out there to retrieve all her books to save them from flooding, and of course then you could see the oven again.

We tried to steal the hot tub, but someone else got to it first, along with my lawnmower and backup generator. I felt really bad about the backup generator because we had some really beefy squirrels in there running the dynamo wheel and I don’t know where I’m going to get squirrels that big and strong again.

Then the bank started showing the house, so we stepped up our game. We played death metal at ridiculous volume when people would come to see the house, until we found out from my youngest son’s friend’s mom that she’d actually come to look at the house and thought the death metal was encouraging, as it suggested neighbors she could get along with. So after that it was endless repetitions of music from Sesame Street and The Song That Doesn’t End and Dora the Explorer. During that time period we all wore headphones; it was kind of unbearable, except for the youngest kids, of course. They didn’t mind.

We put cat food and sardines in the air conditioning vents, and potatoes in the closet so they could rot and turn to mush in the dark, and my oldest daughter, whose room was absolutely full of ghosts, did a séance and an exorcism to get the ghosts to move to the other house, and of course it was full of flies because of all the dead rats, and then we randomly placed mannequin parts in strategic locations. It must have worked, because in the end, no one bought the place and the bank put it up for auction, and my wife’s parents bought it for her. And then, of course, we had to clean up the potatoes, and the flies, and the ghosts, and the cat food – someone had gotten to the dead rats already – and deal with the power company being too scared of the ghosts to come hook us up, and the insurance agency rejecting my wife’s parents’ insurance application because someone came by while my daughter was doing her séance/exorcism and apparently black magic is one of those things they don’t tell you you can’t do in an insured house, but they won’t insure your house if they know you’re doing it.

So after all this, after my son the ninja has busted his butt trying to make this place unliveable so we could get it at auction for cheap enough that my wife’s parents could afford it – they’ve got that kind of professional man and housewife money that only boomers get to have anymore, not rich but sure as heck not as poor as I’d be if my wife didn’t work – he says, he wants chickens. He’s found his spirit animal, or something, and it’s a bird. It doesn’t hurt that I have a new boyfriend – yes, I said it, I have a wife and a boyfriend and they know about each other and we all live in the same house, and if you don’t like it, you know what you can sit and spin on. Anyway, my boyfriend is a wild animal dude from Canada, who, like, communes with animals and has conversations with them and is very possibly actually delusional, but he has all these ideas about how we can convert the two yards into an urban farm. It’s his original idea about the chickens, but my son is thrilled with the idea and I’m not gonna say no to the guy after he helped us get our second house, and I like the idea myself, so we go and get chickens.

First snag. My wife’s parents hate chickens. They hate birds in general. Apparently when my wife was a kid, they had a dog who didn’t believe in birds, and the birds pecked his eyes out, so they’ve got a grudge. I… gotta say, much as I love dogs, any dog who told a bird to its face that he didn’t believe in birds had it coming. You just don’t tell people that they don’t exist while you’re looking straight at them. That’s rude.

Second snag. The city won’t let us have more than 4 chickens per yard, but my boyfriend has acquired eight because he thought we’d be able to use the second yard, and because my wife’s parents hate birds, that isn’t happening. And no one wants to give any of the birds up. We’ve got some amazing chickens. We’ve got a white Silkie who I like to keep on my lap and pet when I’m being a supervillain, because any villain can have a long-furred white cat but it takes a really original guy to have a long-furred white chicken. (Obviously, Silkies don’t really have fur, but their feathers have a consistency like silky fur, hence the name.) We’ve got a Silkie crossbreed who sings dubstep. She’s a tiny little bantam chicken, but because she was raised by my son, who has been taking care of all the chickens since we got them, and they think he’s the alpha hen, she gets to boss all the rest of the chickens around because she’s the daughter of the alpha hen, which I guess makes her Princess Hen or something. We’ve got a big black Cochin with feathers on her feet, and a Naked Neck chicken who wants all the rest of her feathers off too, and a bunch of others. Really exotic chickens. So we’re not giving up any of these chickens for anything. We hide the two bantams – the Silkie and the princess – in the house, which necessitates chicken diapers, about which the less said the better – and we just kind of pretend that we have four outdoor chickens instead of six.

And our chickens are heroes. The cops come by one day looking for an armed robber who’s hiding somewhere. The chickens are all riled up. We think they’re worried about the cops, until eventually, they start pecking at something under their coop, and here comes the robber, crawling out from under the coop shrieking because he’s being pecked by half a dozen birds. The cops give the chickens a medal – one for all of them, they don’t have that many medals lying around, and we have to take it away from them and hang it in the house because they’re fighting over it all the time. And the news decides to do a human interest piece on our hero chickens, and we think the world should know how awesome our chickens are, so we let them.

This turns out to be a mistake. Because we’re not legally allowed to have six chickens. So one cold winter afternoon, while we’re getting ready to spend a weekend in another dimension, Animal Control comes and steals all our chickens, and trumps up charges against us such as “no water” (which is what happens after you tip a waterer over on its side), and “inadequate shelter” because they tore the door off the chicken coop to get at our birds, since naturally we had the coop door locked, and “immoral consecration of chicken souls to Satan” which is just a flat out lie. We’re atheists, not Satanists, and even Satanists don’t actually consecrate chicken souls to Satan. That’s mostly edgy teenagers who were raised Catholic.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever gone through a dimensional portal, but the thing is, they are only open for a short period of time, and it can be years before they open again. We couldn’t change our plans; the tickets for the boat were very expensive, since only so many boats were going to be allowed to sail through the portal so it was a really limited thing, and this close to sail time there was no way we could sell our tickets or exchange them. So we had to go on our trip for the weekend, which was great. Really fun. Not as much fun as the time when I was a kid and my family went to the moon and had a barbeque, but do you ever really have as much fun on a vacation when you’re an adult as you did when you were a kid? I keep meaning to take my kids there one of these days – among other things, my family’s barbeque grill is still stuck up there and I want it back – but I’m a little bit afraid that I won’t be able to get the magic back and it’ll be really depressing. While we were sailing out there, we actually got to see the Kraken, at a safe distance away, breaching out in the bay some ways away. My oldest daughter wants to be a marine biologist, so she was telling us all kinds of Kraken facts, and disputing my statement that the fire that burned down the city a century ago was actually caused by the Kraken.

It was carrying a car in its tentacles. I couldn’t be sure – my vision’s not the best even with a telescope – but I could swear the car looked just like Vlad the Impala.

Anyway, when we came back, we found out that the chickens had already been shipped out to a zoo in a different city.

My wife piled us all into the minivan and we drove five hours to go see the chickens at the zoo, and they were doing fine – they were apparently now a traveling exhibit at a petting zoo – but it turns out chickens can see ninjas, particularly ninjas who raised and cared for them. They got so excited when my son snuck into their enclosure to steal them back that they raised a huge ruckus, and even the most talented ninja can’t stay invisible when he’s surrounded by clucking chickens. Then my wife started trying to tell a sob story about stolen chickens, but I’m afraid I got a little angry at the injustice of it all, and it is possible that a zoo employee ended up in a pond, and as a result we were thrown out of the zoo. And then they went to the other side of the country, and we just couldn’t figure out how to smuggle six chickens onto an airplane, and we couldn’t take off enough time from work to go out there with the car… so we basically gave up. The chickens were having a good life at the zoo, and getting them back was going to take way too much effort.

We hardened our premises, securing the run with a locked gate so an animal control officer would have to climb over a six foot fence to get at our chickens, and then protected the fence by getting clematis to grow all over it so it turned into essentially a six foot tall flowering bush, and got a set of eight chicks that we were assured would grow up into hens. Spoiler alert: you can’t tell what sex a chick is. Half of them grew up into roosters. So we ended up with four hens, plus the two bantam hens in the house, to live outside again, but we also ended up with four roosters, and we had to keep the poor guys in the basement. My boyfriend lived in terror of Animal Control, fearing that every time he heard a cop car, it was the cops coming to break into our basement and take our chickens. I’d say he was a little paranoid if not for what happened later; turns out it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

Well, some of our new chickens had a case of wanderlust. We had Raspberry, who really liked to sleep in the bush, and Henry the Eggth, who was something of an escape artist; we kept finding her running down the street, sometimes with my son’s ninja headgear on her body, like she thought that if she just dressed like her ninja Queen Chicken Dad, she could borrow his powers and sneak out unseen.  It didn’t work like that; no matter how hard a chicken trains to be a ninja, she just can’t do it. Not if her goal is to go unseen by humans, anyway. I have no idea whether Henry was able to hide from other chickens or not. The other two, Marie Curie (she got that name because she was a Polish, and Marie Curie was from Poland) and Hen Solo, would sometimes fly up to join Raspberry in the clematis bush. Chickens can’t technically fly, most of the time, because they’re too big for their own wingspan, but Solo was a bantam and Polish are a pretty tiny chicken breed too, so they were both light enough to fly as far as the bush.

Down in the basement, we had Eggy Pop, the sweetest little bantam chick size of an egg you ever saw, who grew up to be an asshole bantam roo, the kind who have a real chip on their shoulders about being bantams, and will try to kick everyone’s ass, including humans; MeToo, a beautiful Silkie who got his name when we thought he was a hen and figured that if anyone was gonna harass a chicken it would be that one; Dr. Tran, whose name I really can’t explain if there are young kids around; and Lyndon LaRoo, who kept trying, and failing, to improve his own position in the pecking order. (Dr. Tran and Lyndon got name changes when we figured out they were roos, as previously they had been named Nightmare Moon and Twilight Chicklet.) We had to keep them boxed in with baby gates, otherwise they’d have escaped through the secret tunnels we’d dug in the basement. (And what a pain those were. Ever try to dig secret tunnels in an area full of ghosts without disturbing anyone’s bones and getting a poltergeist infestation in your house? We had to use the stud finder to find the bones and then avoid them. Must have made the whole project take four times as long.) Upstairs in my son’s room, we have the two bantams, Scootaloo the Silkie crossbreed princess, and Ms. Bigglesworth, the white Silkie.

One day, all the outdoor chickens disappear. Gone, without a trace. This is deeply upsetting to me, my boyfriend and both my sons, so when a neighbor comes by and tells us that there are a lot of chickens running around an empty lot up one of the streets behind my house, we’re very hopeful, and we go into action. We take as many cardboard boxes as we can, the kind my wife uses to store books, and the four of us head up there on foot, since my wife is the only person with a car and she’s taken it and my younger daughter to go visit my oldest daughter in college.

Well, we find there are a lot of chickens up there in that empty lot. We find ours, all right – Raspberry and Henry and Marie and Solo – and a whole lot of others. A Barred Rock rooster, two Orpingtons, a Wyandotte, four random Cornish (these are meat birds, rarely found as pets because of their short life spans, so who knows what they were doing up there), a gamecock and two game hens (couldn’t tell whether they were American Game, Old English Game or some other kind, but they were little and the roo was fierce), an Ameraucana, an Easter Egger, a Brahma, a Rhode Island Red and a Jersey Giant, and then there were the really weird ones – a Sumatra, a Yokohama, a Houdan, a large Oshamo, an Onagadori, two ducks, a baby peacock, and a flamingo. I have no idea what those last guys were doing hanging around chickens.

We’re very worried for these chickens. They’re running around free in an abandoned lot and they’re expensive chickens, a lot of them, that someone is probably looking for… and my experience with Animal Control tells me that if they come along and take the chickens, the families who bought these chickens will never see them again. I have a lot more faith in my boyfriend’s ability to find local chicken owners on Craiglist or various neighborhood sites than I do in Animal Control’s willingness to actually look for owners of the chickens. So I tell my boys, and my boyfriend, that we should grab as many chickens as we can – not just our own, but all of them, so we can repatriate them to their correct homes.

We start boxing chickens. For most breeds you can get two in a box. Little chickens, sometimes three. My ninja son is an experienced chicken wrangler and my younger son is good at making a lot of noise and scaring chickens toward my older son, my boyfriend, or me. We get our own chickens boxed up quickly and start boxing the other chickens.

Then this woman I don’t recognize shows up and starts screaming at me that she’s called Animal Control and I don’t have any right to have any of these chickens. I point out that some of these chickens are mine, but she isn’t having any. She accuses me of being a chicken thief and insists that the chickens have to go to Animal Control. I tell my ninja son to get himself, his brother and my boyfriend out of here with all of the chickens they already have in boxes, and I distract the woman by arguing with her that I have every right to my own chickens and all of these chickens are mine or belong to neighbors of mine that I intend to return them to, and there’s no need to call Animal Control, who will probably ship the chickens off to a petting zoo and the owners will never see them again. She’s not having any. I’m the worst person in the universe for taking chickens that belong to me out of a yard they don’t belong in.

I stand there arguing with her until Animal Control actually shows up, at which point I head back home, hoping my boys have been smart enough to stash the extra chickens somewhere safe. Here’s where there’s a problem. I have a permit for four hens. Not the six hens I actually own, where the bantams live in the house half the year; the city doesn’t let you keep chickens in your house, never mind that bantams have a hard time living through the winter if they live outdoors. And not the four roosters I own, because you’re not allowed to own a roo in the city, and also you’re not allowed to keep chickens in your basement, which would be a reasonable prohibition if not for the prohibition on roosters and the fact that you can’t sex chicks worth a damn.

While Animal Control is gathering up the chickens we didn’t get to, plus the ducks and the baby peacock (the flamingo has flown off by this time), this crazy woman follows me back to my house, continuing to harangue me about stealing chickens and she’s going to have Animal Control inspect my house. I turn back toward her. “Do they have a warrant?”

“I – what? They’re Animal Control, they don’t need a warrant!”

“The only entity that doesn’t need a warrant is Child Protective Services. Everyone else – the cops, the FBI, the Time Police, the SCP Foundation – they’re all required to get a warrant. Why do you think Animal Control would be an exception?”

“Okay, well! We’ll go to a judge and see about getting that warrant!”

“And who’s ‘we’? Unless you work for Animal Control, you’ve got nothing to do with them getting a warrant. All you are is a complainant.”

“You’re a terrible person who mistreats chickens!” she shouts. “Your yard is horrible, your lawn is nothing but weeds all year long, you put construction trash out on your parking pad, and you keep six chickens when you’re only allowed to have four! Four! Four chickens and only four chickens!”

I’ve just figured out who called animal control on us the first time, when our chickens were confiscated, and I feel sudden rage. “You seem to pay a lot of attention to my house for someone I’ve never seen before,” I say. “You know that stalking is against the law, right? Maybe I need to get a warrant served on you.”

She flounces back toward Animal Control, but now I know that she knows where I live, that she has some kind of long-standing grudge against me, and Animal Control actually listens to her. This could be bad.

So when I get back to the house I find a zoo waiting for me. My sons released all the chickens… into the house. Argh. “You’ve got to get them into the basement,” I tell my oldest. “Use the secret tunnels and get them out of here before Animal Control arrives!”

Animal Control shows up five minutes later when my sons have just finished boxing chickens, and after I’ve just finished texting my wife about what’s going on so she can get back here. They demand to come inside my property because they say I have illegal chickens. I tell them the only chickens I have are the ones I’m permitted to have. They don’t believe me. They tell me they’re going to go and get a warrant. I tell them to have fun with that. They insist they can hear a rooster inside, and my heart sinks, because they absolutely can. The basement roos have set up a cacophony of crowing in response to the sound of all the chickens who my son has just finished boxing up and who were previously running around my house.

Now they’re telling me that if I don’t let them in to get the roosters they can plainly hear, they are authorized to use force. Since when has Animal Control been so hardcore? I can’t afford to let them in; quite aside from the roosters and all the extra chickens, I have an illegal rabbit and none of the cats have licenses. Plus, there’s a tarantula. I can’t remember whether it’s legal to have a tarantula for a pet around here. “Fine,” I snap at them, and with great regret, I go downstairs, I get Dr. Tran and Lyndon, and I hand them over to them to protect the rest.

Meanwhile my sons are in the basement on the other half of the house, the half owned by my in-laws, and they’re using the secret tunnels we dug under the entire street to deliver chickens to every house on our side of the street. My boys managed to recover 16 out of the 24 chickens or so we found running around in that lot, and my older son the ninja dropped 2 or 3 chickens at each house (he kept the game hens and their roo together and left them in our old enemies’ basement. I haven’t talked about our war with the people down the block whose son has always been a terrible person and who always decorate outrageously for the holidays, but you have to hate people who have a 20 foot Frosty the Snowman on their roof all winter long.)

Animal Control leaves. The woman, who is hanging back in the yard watching Animal Control, leaves. My wife arrives. Now the thing you need to know about my wife is that, at heart, she longs to be Big Sister – like Big Brother, but just surveilling everybody without actually doing anything about it. Also, she can’t recognize faces. She recognizes me because my hair is distinctive, but she always mistakes my oldest daughter for one of her friends with a similar hair color, mixes up my son and my boyfriend a lot because they have vaguely similar hair, and one time stalked a guy through a shopping center because she thought he might be her brother. There was absolutely no reason to think he might be her brother, to be honest, her brother lives in a different state. So she’s got all this software on her PC that does facial recognition and matches it against databases.

She takes the pictures my youngest son took with his cell phone of the crazy woman, runs them through her databases, and gets a hit. The woman lives on the street behind ours where all the back yards got bricked up. Don’t recognize her name at all, and my boyfriend confirms she is not one of the people he corresponds with online who’s a fellow local chicken owner. So we have no idea what this woman has against us, but my wife doesn’t care.

She goes online to those places that want you to subscribe to three dozen print magazines, and subscribes to them all, in the name of the crazy lady up the street. She orders cheap sex toys and has them shipped there. She signs the crazy lady up for a subscription to monthly snacks in the mail, and Book of the Month Club, and yes I want more information about energy choice, please send an agent to my home. She gets the woman’s phone number out of online databases and requests car insurance quotes, home insurance quotes, quotes on solar panels, quotes on home renovation, quotes on exorcising ghosts, and please send me information on cruises and destination vacations.  She prints the woman’s name on about fifty shipping labels and starts putting moldy VHS tapes of children’s cartoons from the 1990s into envelopes, creates a fake online business so she can buy a Stamps.com account in the name of the fake online business, uses a prepaid Visa card from the drug store to pay for the postage, and mails all the tapes to the woman… one at a time, every day, for two months. She prints fake labels for empty prescription bottles for AIDS anti-virals and really hardcore anti-psychotic drugs and puts them on the prescription bottles, and she’s gonna have my son drop them off in the yards of the neighbors of the woman, but I point out to her that that’s kind of ableist because her entire idea revolves around getting revenge by making the neighbors think the woman is sick, so she shelves that idea.

You don’t mess with my wife.

Animal Control comes back with a warrant the next day. We show them around the house. See? No chickens here. No chickens in our yard, they disappeared. No chickens anywhere in the house! We don’t open any of the doors to the other side of the duplex, so they don’t know that the other side of the house is also ours and therefore they don’t know about the chickens that belong to us that we hid in the basement over there, nor do they know about the secret tunnels we have running under our entire street so they don’t know about the random chickens in the neighbors’ basements. My boyfriend reports that on his neighborhood forums, lots of people are complaining they can hear rooster noises, but they can’t find any roosters, because none of them expect to find roosters in their basements, so they don’t look.

After Animal Control leaves, we go down to the shelter where they drop the confiscated animals, and try to claim four of the eight chickens that got picked up yesterday because if this works, then we’ll find who in the neighborhood lost their chickens and try to get them back to them. We’re told that the confiscated chickens have already been identified as to who they belong to and their owner has picked them up.

Owner, not owners. Remember, you’re only allowed to have 4 chickens per house in this city, but someone managed to get eight.

My son retrieves the various chickens he’d been hiding in people’s basements, we pile them all into the car, and we drive to my boyfriends’ parents’ farm in Canada. Extradite these chickens, assholes. When the heat dies down we can try to find their real owners, we figure. Meanwhile we retrieve our own chickens from the basement on the other side of the house, put four out in the yard and put the two roosters in with the bantam hens, then think better of it and remove MeToo and make him a house rooster. He wears a chicken diaper well enough and he never crows anyway, and Eggy bullies the crap out of him so it’s best he doesn’t stay in an enclosed environment with him.

Then my youngest daughter comes home from school with a story. Apparently there are wild chickens in the woods near our house. What?

I should explain this. We live in a city, but we live close enough to the outskirts and to various parks that there are small patches of nature all over the place. The “woods” is about a block long and four trees deep, hardly what I’d consider woods, but it’s a good place to dump possums when you find them hiding in your laundry room. (Yes. Possums in our laundry room. Lots of them.) So my son and I go back there, and sure as day, yes, there are chickens back there. All of the chickens that got confiscated from that yard, plus additional chickens who have been disappearing from people’s flocks all year. Either somebody has been stealing chickens and then keeping them in a mega-flock in the woods… or the chickens have been escaping, and gathering together.

We leave the chickens where they are; I’m no narc, to rat out chickens who maybe just want to be free. But my son and I do put up wire fencing to keep our chickens from joining them, because one off-leash dog and those chickens could be in a world of hurt. We do notify the other chicken owners in the neighborhood about the woods chickens, and over the next few days, several of the chickens disappear from the woods as they’re retrieved by their owners.

Meanwhile, my wife has continued her vendetta against the crazy lady. She has my son go over in the middle of the night and throw trash into the yard, which she stole from trash cans in the park so there’s nothing that can be tied back to us, and then calls 311 in the morning to report that the woman’s yard is full of trash. She inspects our car every day to make sure no one has slashed the tires, but she uses a ballpeen hammer to break the crazy lady’s headlight because that will get her a ticket. I tell her to let it go. She buys a bale of hay and throws it in the woman’s yard. And she’s still sending moldy videotapes.

A For Sale sign pops up on the woman’s house. We’re currently extending the tunnel network over there so we can sneak in and leave tripe in the air conditioning system and dead rats. It’s not next door to our house, so there’s a very good chance that my wife actually could buy it, this time.

Never found out why she had a grudge against us, but she’s moving out, so who cares.

[the-greatest-story-untold]

Dear Dream

I know I am so ridiculously late.

But hey, better late than never...

To NCT Dream,

The baby unit of NCT.

The unit of young souls tasked to bring hope and endurance to the world's youths.

The superior unit.

Your current average age is 19.5 years old… barely an adult.

Yet, you have a career that's gone strong for four years (and definitely still counting).

I am not a veteran of the KPop scene so I do not know if your 'formula' has been tried before i.e. a band comprising of literal teenagers to be the inspiration for an entire generation of youths. Most bands I knew had teenagers that were mostly above 16 when they debut and even so, there will be older members in the band.

When you started off in 2016, your oldest member was only 17 years old, and your youngest was 14!

It must have been surreal to have begun your journey as singers, dancers, performers and artists at such a young age!

The music/entertainment industry is very much an 'adult' world. Yet here you are, barely grazing adulthood but already trusted into the bright lights and blazing life of entertainment.

It must have been scary.

But you've made it.

One of you've graduated and became an adult. 4 of you've grown to become adults. One more has just reached his adulthood milestone. And then there's one left.

You guys have grown so, so much. And you guys have grown up so well. You need all the congratulations the world can offer.

You grew up in the limelight of the Kpop industry, in the new age of social media flurry, and in the unprecedented era of KPop world domination.

You grew up well, so well. You've made it.

Your journey is still long and for all the good things in this world, I hope your journey remains long and prosperous.  

I have to say, I am very surprised for the affection I feel towards you.

I admit I was weary to 'get into' NCT Dream because of your ages. I felt very uncomfortable that you were very young. Jisung sweetheart, you are a decade my junior.

It felt very strange for me to see what I viewed as literal children to be thrown into limelight.

My experience with childhood stardom is very limited to the Hollywood scene. I've heard what exposure to stardom can do to children. Especially as they grow into teenagers and young adults. It's kinda scary.

But I forgot. Though you may be in the same 'industry' i.e. entertainment; your cultures are so vastly different.

Sure, there have been infamous stories too about the KPop entertainment industry. It is as notorious as Hollywood. There have definitely been stories about your company.

When you first debuted in 2016, I've been listening to KPop for about 4 years. I wasn't an avid fan nor that big of a multi stan. I was a fan of your seniors: EXO.

The change of OT12 to OT9 was definitely an experience for me and it was difficult not to see kpop in tainted lenses after that.

So when I found out that a group of 7 with an average age of just 15.7 years (not even 16!) was to be debuted, I was quick to dismiss it.

You were too young in my eyes.

1. It felt like exploitation. 2. Your concept was too bright for me to appreciate.

So I paid you no attention.

And honestly, I had not paid attention to your brother units either when they debuted (NCT U with the 7th Sense and NCT 127 with Firetruck).

My attention in NCT officially started in 2018, when NCT2018 started. I knew of NCT’s general concept and units, so I was aware of the existence of Dream. I saw you guys appear on Weekly Idol with your hyungs. And that's about it.

I remained fairly distant with Dream for some time, focusing mainly on NCT 127 as they gained momentum in their American debut with Regular.

I continued telling myself that you were too young for my taste. Furthermore, Mark and Haechan were the maknaes of 127, so that solidified my thinking of the seven of you as mere 'babies'.

But as the end of 2018 approached, two significant episodes occured that brought more of my attention to you.

First, Mark was graduating.

I still wasn't an avid fan let alone an NCTzen at that time. I did not keep up with your updates and I do not follow you on any social media platforms. My 'news' of NCT only came in the form of recommended videos on YouTube.

Somehow, Mark's graduation became significant enough to manifest as recommended content on my YouTube recommendations. I was aware of Dream's graduation concept and since I've not invested in the unit, it bothered me not.

The Dream Show happened but it is not exactly fully available online, so I wasn't really aware of its occurrence. I only knew that Mark had officially graduated because of the 'farewell' video on NCT's channel.

I still wasn't fazed much by this as I was generally accepting of the graduation concept. We all grow up and graduation is just part of life. Welcome to adulthood, champ.

What caught my attention was how affected fans were because of this. There were so many videos of 'why mark/7Dream will be missed'. I brushed it off, understanding that Dreamzens were teenagers and emotions run high in that life period.

Then the next major event happened: Haechan/Donghyuck's injury.

It was only at this time that I was fully aware of 'MarkHyuck'. I saw a glimpse of it before but I dismissed it. However, with Haechan out of commission, it spiked.

I am not a shipper. I don't really have that much of an interest in wanting the pairing to be together. But one thing I have definitely developed during this period, was the solid support of Mark's and Haechan's Best Friends Forever friendship.

Perhaps I was more open to the two of you compared to the rest of the Dreamies since I see you interact within 127 more. Perhaps I was more attentive because you both were in 127 and I was at that time paying attention to 127.

Either way, when fans started pointing out how sad it was that the BFFs had to split, I had a small 'aww' moment.

Then what made me went absolutely 🥺  was Mark's year end performances with the Dreamies but it was already 6Dream instead of full strength.

There was that one year end event when Dream performed 'We Go Up' and it appeared to be that Renjun seemed to be sniffling. Of course, fans were quick to interpret it as sadness and all started lamenting that it was the last performance of Mark with Dream in year end promotions but Mark's best friend wasn't there.

Wow, fans are dramatic.

I wasn't hooked but I felt the sadness. I know fans were just projecting their own emotions into what happened and we eventually found out that Renjun was sniffling because he had a nosebleed earlier, not because he was crying.

This somehow made me curious about Dream… and I guess that begun my journey in getting to know Dream.

I think partly because 127 was on tour in 2019 and it was their official tour. Partly also because WayV officially debuted in 2019. But NCT content was aplenty. I've also subscribed to the NCT channel at this point so my notifications were dinging all the time.

So naturally, with more exposure to NCT, comes more interest in knowing all of you.

I have never been the 'stan only one unit' type of fan. Remember, I officially got into NCT from NCT2018, when 18 of y'all are actively promoting. I am not afraid of your ‘big ass group’ concept.

So as my interest in NCT grows, I figured it was time to know every unit better then. With 127 busy with tour, they were already releasing the Hit the States series on top of their tour, and planning a comeback mid tour. I know content will be readily available. I just had to wait.

WayV was also new so LABEL V was pumping content heavily to promote them. Again, this means content is easily available.

What was missing, was Dream content. With Mark graduated, Haechan injured and then automatically roped in with 127 for their tour, where does that leave the other members?

So I got curious. I wanted to know more about Dream but there aren't current content. What do I do? Well, dig into past content.

Chewing Gum.

I have come across it before, a long time ago probably in 2016 when it first released. I dismissed it so fast, I did not watch it fully.

I think I was still fairly new to KPop and the 'cutesy' bubblegum pop concept did not sit well with me. So anything remotely adorable was dismissed.

Unfortunately, Chewing Gum was the epitome of cute. You guys were so small. So young! Your voices… 😅

However when I started getting into NCT and because I was eager to really learn about Dream, I sat through it. But barely. I kept cringing. Sorry.

After finishing it, I felt like I had done it injustice. But I still wanted to know more about you guys! So I changed tactics.

I started with We Go Up. At least I was familiar with it. And I didn't watch the videos. I just listened to the song. Slowly, I moved down to Go, We Young, My First and Last, and finally, Chewing Gum.

Honestly, it took me some time to get used to. Obviously Dream was very different from 127. So I really had to focus to listen to Dream.

I don't know what was the turning point. I don't recall what made me suddenly enjoy your content but it happened. I find myself looking forward to listening to your songs. I actually felt genuine unadulterated fun.

Chewing Gum got into my head and I kept hearing 'Ch-ch-ch-ch-chewing Gum' on replay in my head. I eventually succumbed and went to watch the M/V again. And this time, I enjoyed it! I still cringed, lol. But I was able to enjoy the song instead of let the overload of cute affect me.

I also came across the hoverboard version and BAM! I was awed.

I was very much the typical millennial that dismissed hoverboards as 'the new trend' that was too beneath my generation (*scoff* I am such an elitist). 

So I knew it was trending and everywhere. But seeing these 7 teens actually performing synchronized choreography in addition to using a hoverboard without breaking a sweat, I was amazed. Omg, how? The dedication, the training, the effort!

It was then I thought that you guys weren't the usual teenagers I see on the street (whom I am so secretly terrified of btw). You guys are the dedicated hardworking types. The one I'm definitely intimidated by. Only because I never had the same drive when I was that age. (Pssst...There's jealousy in that too...)

I began thinking to myself, I've got to give them credit. I can't be an ageist. Just because I have my own issues and insecurities about being a lazy bum as a teenager, I shouldn't project it on these 7 teens who are already contracted to work and dedicate the rest of the young lives to their art.

That was how I started watching more NCT Dream content on YouTube. Your music videos, fancams, fanmade content etc.

I was slowly but surely falling for your charms.

I must also admit, at that period in time, I was fast becoming a big fan of Haechan.

Maybe due to his temporary break during his injury, I had a lot of 'missing you' content recommended to me. I clicked them all and really, I fell in love with his voice.

I had also then started following alot of NCT content on Twitter and IG. With 127 on tour and Haechan back in business with the North American tour, there were alot of celebratory tweets and IG posts about his comeback.

I knew Haechan was a vocalist but I suddenly saw an influx of his dance on my social media. It got me curious and I admit I watched quite a bit of Haechan fancam.

Then, it was announced NCT127 was coming for a concert to my country. And I went for it. My first concert in my 27 years of life. No regrets. I LOVED IT. Plus, my interest in Haechan soared too.

His dance break? In that one little segment? Was enough to sell me.

Highway to Heaven? Superhuman? YAAS.

And then mere days after the concert, We Boom happened.

And wow. We Boom era was a beautiful awakening for me.

You were all still teenagers, technically. Sure, the 00 liners we adults in Korea, but internationally, y'all haven't reached 20.

Still it didn't stop the multiple outpouring of congratulatory messages for all four of you in reaching adulthood.

So I figured if y'all see yourselves as adults, you're officially adults then.

And I think that was the mental barrier that had been putting me off. As much as I don't want to be one, I am sort of an ageist. It really took you 4 being 'official' adults plus one graduated member, for me to pass my own ageist thoughts before deciding you are more than talented.

Any who, with my increased interest in Haechan and my own moral dilemma out of the way, I started to genuinely enjoy your music.

First and foremost, I loved Haechan's look in We Boom era. Him in the suit, in the denim outfit, his hair up? Yes.

Secondly, Jeno and Jaemin. You are always together and even in your growth you are on par. I see the effort you're putting in your gym sessions…

Last but not least, Renjun. Hello, you turned fine. You had the mullet for a moment and I wasn't a huge fan but you still looked fine.

The 00 liners grew up good. I was barely into Dream but even I saw the differences. I was impressed and honestly, felt proud of you despite knowing none of you. Yet I felt affirmed that you’ve worked hard. And this was solely on your appearance alone.

We Boom was also my first journey in listening to your side tracks. And I loved every single one of them.

Again, the talk about graduation came back up. 4 members are meant to graduate by end 2019. What will become of NCT Dream?

We Boom is the first 6Dream album, will it be the last? It probably is?

We Boom had Best Friend and Dream Run. Somehow, it felt a lot like a goodbye message. A graduation gift in a sense. It made a lot of fans feel nostalgic for Mark. It made a lot of fans wonder the fate of Dream. You've worked hard, every single one of you. What's going to happen to all of that?

Soon, end of the year was approaching. However, there is still no news about Dream's fate.

BUT. SM decided to spring a Dream concert on the fans.

Some theories suggested it was to appease the fans who were getting antsy about the lack of news. Some suggested it was a ruse to give fans false hope before SM pulls the plug altogether on Dream. Some dreamt it was a sign they were continuing and not disbanding… soon there were (louder) chants for Dream to be a fixed unit.

I was never very bothered by the graduation concept as mentioned earlier. To me, even if the 00 liners had to graduate, I was fine. What I wasn't fine with: what is their next step?

The radio silence from SM was starting to err me. Fan worries online were also starting to get under my skin. Will Dream disband? As much as I love Haechan, I do admit it was unfair that only he has the clearest path. He had 127.

What about Jeno and Jaemin?

Jeno who had stepped up as the leader of the sextet. Who have so bravely led his team mates in his strong silent resilience.

Jaemin who is all smiles and love for his Czennies. Who had sat out an entire year of promotions to heal from a back injury and then dived straight back into their intense choreography and keeping up with his mates with smooth ease.

Then there were Renjun and Chenle; at least they had the possibility of WayV. And although that's a possibility that seemed so distant, at least it was possible.

Jisung was a rising dance machine. He raps well enough and has stable enough vocals that he has potential for a solo career if all goes south. Otherwise, he was still young enough to be able to sustain the Dream name, perhaps with a new set of members.

Either way, it was all the same. The future of these young teens were too uncertain.

Dream, you are seven youths with so much potential. This is solely on the pure fact that you are still so young. You've achieved so much but for your futures to be so vague felt extremely unfair.

And that's when I realise I will stand by Dream.

Sure, I used to gripe about our age differences. But  then I realised it was your youth that I should be supporting. It was the idea of everlasting friendship that should be preserved here.

Dream was so very much 7 members that even with Mark graduated, in that whole year of him not promoting with Dream, it still felt like he was there because you guys are literal friends with each other. You are not just colleagues that will part at the end of the day once work is done. You're legitimate friends.

And that is what I want to protect.

Call me nostalgic or old but being in a period of time in my life where my social relationships are starting to change as my friends get married and become attached, or grow more interested in building a family rather than finding a cute boy, I must have projected my own feelings of loss onto Dream.

Aren't y'all suppose to be the embodiment of youth, hope and (pardon the pun) dreams?

The bulk of that was formed during my teenage years for me, in the bonds I've created with my own group of girlfriends. The five of us have been together since 13 years old and although we never had the same intensity of an emotional rollercoaster that comes with stardom, I understand the reluctance to let go of a friendship that has lasted so long.

When I see the Dreamies have fun, joking around and sassing around, I am reminded of my girlfriends when we laze about and sass during our staycation.

When I see the Dreamies tired and exhausted but still so present for each other during practice and rehearsals, I am reminded of my girlfriends and the days we studied together for our national exams.

When I see the Dreamies cry because of an uncertain future, I see my girlfriends worried about the next stage of our lives and the fear of being unprepared.

That homely dependence; the family reliance on one another… these are sentiments that actually my girlfriends and I may not exactly feel. For as much as we've been friends for so long, we've never really had a tumultuous lifestyle.

But the Dreamies, you did. You had to be away from family, practice from dusk till dawn, sacrificed school experiences for idolhood, lose out on a 'normal teenage life'.

Sure, you chose this life. You've made your beds and now you must lie in it. What's inspiring is: you're so willingly diligent in doing so.

That, I feel is your most praiseworthy trait.

And I understand that you were able to do this because you've had each other.

And I feel so proud of that friendship you’ve made with each other.

So Dream, congratulations on your fourth year. Congratulations on all your hard work and sacrifices.

Remember, you are still young. You do not owe the world anything but to live your young lives well.

You've made so many sacrifices and earned scars along the way. But you've become better and stronger with them.

You taught me to treasure the friendship I have made in my youth and perhaps a little lesson or two about mourning the loss of friendship.

I wish you all the best. I want to hug you so much and pat you on your heads. And yet at the same time show you off like a proud parent.

I am sure your parents are all proud of you. Every single one of you.

Keep up your good work. You are doing well.

Remember to rest when you need to. You are only human and doing your best can only be meaningful if you are well and healthy.

Congratulations on becoming 7Dream again, I look forward to your comeback.

Keep at it, keep smiling, keep singing, keep dancing.

To Mark Lee, thank you for being the diligent leader to the Dreamies. You've led them well. Hopefully they don't trouble you too much now that you're back.

To Lee Jeno, thank you for being the pillar and unwavering captain of the ship. You have a strong presence about you but yet so gentle and considerate.

To Huang Renjun, thank you for your wisdom and efforts. You put in so much work in reaching out to your fans and listening to their troubles and worries.

To Lee Haechan, thank you Full Sun. You have been so hard working, haven't you. I know you like being busy and I feel relieved that you know too that you should rest well. Keep shining, love.

To Na Jaemin, ohmygosh you are so precious. You are so loving and so sweet. You deserve all the happiness in the world for the magnitude of kindness and compassion you exude.

To Zhong Chenle, thank you for your hard work. You seem to be so effortless in covering and carrying the vocals of your songs together with Renjun. Yet you are always doing it with your boisterous laugh.

To Park Jisung, thank you for your youth. You've spent your entire childhood in the industry and made many sacrifices, more than peers of your same age. Thankfully you've gotten friendship with your team mates and I hope you'll continue to receive all the love and support.

With love.

[yourmandevine]

Some stuff that made me happy in 2020, in no particular order

God send you no greater loss. It’s something my grandmother said a lot — a bit of highly Irish Catholic wisdom intended to remind you, warmly but sharply, that whatever you’re currently suffering through isn’t all that bad compared to what lots of other people are dealing with. That it probably isn’t too much to complain about, in the grand scheme of things. That you should, instead, be grateful for what you’ve got, big and small and everything in between.

God sent a great many people a great many unfathomable losses this year, and as hard as it felt at times, our family wasn’t among them; we’re lucky, in the big picture. In the past, people have recommended I try writing those reasons down, to give myself a list of stuff to be thankful for, for the times it’s tough to summon up the gratitude. I figured the end of the year was as good a time as any to make that list, to highlight the stuff that helped me get through this year — the reasons big, small, and in between.

So: here goes.

Peanut butter and jelly

I haven’t counted how many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’ve eaten since March 11, which is good, because that would be an absurd thing to do, and a sure sign that I have succumbed to a very specific kind of madness. It’s also good, though, because I would undoubtedly be ashamed by the number; the figure would be titanic, like the unsinkable ship of same name, or the iceberg that sunk it.

Or, at least, I would be ashamed under normal circumstances. This fuckin’ year required whatever flotation device you could find, and you know what I found in the fridge and cupboard? A couple of slices of bread, some strawberry jam, and some goddamn Skippy.

Need a weird mid-morning “brunch” after not having breakfast because you went right from waking up to remote school with the 6-year-old? Crank up a PB&J with that third cup of coffee. Need to pack something in the diaper bag to feed everyone while you’re out at the playground for the afternoon? Stack ‘em up, son. Need a late snack after working the overnight shift filing weird bubble playoff columns? Three letters, one ampersand, one love.

I need to eat better in 2021. But I kind of needed to eat sort of like shit to get through 2020, and time and again, when your man needed it most, PB&J was there.

Sunday night Zoom sessions with college friends

I know that most of us started something like this back in March; I’m not sure how many have stuck with it. I hope the answer is “a lot,” because honestly, knowing that I’m going to end the week by seeing a few friends — some here in Brooklyn but mostly beyond our reach for safety’s sake, some who’ve moved away — has felt like a stabilizing agent on more than a few occasions. It’s important, and no small blessing, to have people in your life who really know you, weird messy ugly bits and all, and in front of whom you can let everything go.

That gallery view’s provided a place to vent, to seethe, to laugh, to cry, and to try to find some semblance of center before heading back into another week. I’m grateful for it, and for the people in those little boxes. Except for the time they reminded me that, when I was 18, I was pretty sure I was a Pacey, and they were all extremely confident I was a Dawson. They were right, but still: a bitter pill to swallow, then and now.

Olivia calling herself “Dr. Bloody”

She took out her little toy doctor kit and just turned into a cackling villain.

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Deeply disconcerting, yes, but also adorable.

All Fantasy Everything

What got me in the door was the conceit: three very funny stand-up comedians (Ian Karmel, David Gborie, Sean Jordan), often with a very funny guest but sometimes without, pick some topic or another and engage in a fantasy draft of their favorite aspects or representations of that topic. (It is, crucially, a serpentine draft. Now what is that? That’s a great question.) Some favorite examples: Mikes; Words That You Think Make You Sound Smart, vols. 1 and 2; Things You Yell After You Dunk on Someone; Fictional Athletes; Crimes We’d Like to Commit. Yeah. It’s that kind of podcast.

What kept me around was the friendship. Listen to an episode and it becomes really clear really quickly just how much the three hosts love each other, how much fun they have being around each other and making one another laugh. The warmth radiates, just pours out of the speakers; in a year where I sorely needed some good vibes, I appreciated my regular check-ins with the Good Vibes Gang to just ... unclench for an hour and a half or so. 

Drinking beer

OK, I’ll admit: This doesn’t sound great for me. It’s true, though. I really like beer. (We brewed one in our kitchen, which I realize is something of a “bearded guy in Brooklyn” cliche, but here we are. It was exciting to complete a project, and it tasted OK-ish.) At some points this year, it didn’t feel like there wasn’t much to look forward to, and sometimes drinking some High Lifes or Narragansett tall boys — with my wife in our living room, with friends on the computer, whatever — helped take the edge off a shitty day/week/month/year. I look forward to being able to do that outside with people again.

The Good Place

I am sure some very smart cultural critics and political thinkers and social revolutionaries have forwarded compelling arguments for why this show is Bad, Actually, because that seems to be more or less true about most things, whether because said thing is Actually Bad or because the economics of the attention economy on the internet functionally necessitate the composition and publication of pretty much every position on pretty much every issue, and especially ones that present a counterargument for why you shouldn’t like the thing you like, and might be kind of a piece of shit for liking it. But I liked this half-hour comedy about the way the universe might be put together, why we should try to take better care of each other, and how doing so might be a pretty great way to take better care of ourselves.

Andrew let me write about it a little bit for a big project we did before the series finale aired, which was really nice of him. I found myself thinking about this part a lot this year:

I also thought a lot about Peeps Chili, but that happens every year.

Taking pictures of my dog

Check out this flumpy goddamn champion:

“Lugar is a good boy” is the main takeaway here. They don’t all have to be complicated.

Schitt’s Creek

I know we’re not alone in this, but we inhaled this show this year. A half-hour comedy about people being laid low, learning how to deal with who they actually are, and finding some grace and community and opportunities for growth kind of hit the spot, I guess.

One of the most wholesale enjoyable ensemble comedy casts I can remember; Catherine O’Hara was already in Cooperstown, but what she made with Moira Rose only polishes her plaque. I’ll never be able to describe with any specificity the thing Chris Elliott does, but I know it has made me laugh since I was a child too young to understand the Letterman bits or see Cabin Boy in the theater, and it’s probably going to make me laugh until I am dead.

I love that people who, for years, never got to see themselves or people like them on screen got to see David Rose on screen and maybe recognize themselves a little bit. The idea that seeing the David/Patrick relationship might make them maybe feel a little more at home, a little safer and more whole, makes me happy. Sad, about the before, but happy, about the now and the what comes next.

Past that, I just love how what was ostensibly a family-and-friends production for a Canadian channel just got absolutely everything right—the tone, the look, the sound, the theme song, the cast, the jokes, my goodness, the jokes—and before long, the rest of the world just got it. Like catching a fastball square on the barrel. Something the show clearly knew a little bit about.

Finding new outdoor places it was safe to go

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the need to give the kids a place to be that wasn’t unnecessarily dangerous but also wasn’t inside our two-bedroom apartment led us to do more exploring than we had before. Shirley Chisholm State Park is great. Canarsie Pier was a fun place to spend a Sunday morning; so’s Canarsie Playground. If we got there early enough or made our peace with some rain, the beaches at Jacob Riis Park and Fort Tilden were pretty rad this summer. I lived in Staten Island from ages 8 through 18, and during breaks throughout college, and don’t think I ever hiked in High Rock Park — that’s dumb, because it was nice!

Even if all those little excursions did was kill a little time and reduce the overall stress level of the four humans stuck in our four walls, that’s not nothing. Some days this year, it was everything.

Cobra Kai

I know I’m late here; I didn’t rush to seek it out because I don’t consider myself a huge fan of The Karate Kid, or at least not a big enough fan to sign up for YouTube’s premium service. I checked it out when it came to Netflix, though, and I honestly can’t believe how much I enjoyed this show. Give me “dumb, but with heart” every day of the week.

I believe in Miguel Diaz; I believe in Johnny Lawrence; I believe I will be firing up Season 3 next month, and perhaps drinking some Coors Banquets in its honor. (I cannot, however, believe how the “get him a body bag” thing came back around, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Closing unread tabs

I’m a serial hoarder of links, and I am bad at finishing all of them. I’ve tried to get into Pocket and Instapaper, but I’ve never been able to turn that sort of workflow — open link, save to third-party service, go back to third-party service later to read, then delete from there — into something that felt instinctual, natural, or habitual. So: lots of tabs. Like, lots of tabs.

This was a dicier proposition than usual in 2020, because cutting my work week in half to be able to more effectively coparent two kids who didn’t have school or day care for most of the year meant less time to read things.

I tried to do my best to keep up with the important stuff for work, and to read at least some stuff about how other parents were dealing with their anxiety/anger/depression/frustration at having to be on 24/7 and work, and to stay abreast of (at least some of) what was happening in the world. Sometimes, though, I would wake up and realize I’d been holding onto blog posts about Really Interesting Rotation Decisions on the 11th-Seeded Team in the East or whatever for literally nine months, and I would go against my nature and just hit the eject button on a 25-deep window, and something amazing would happen: I wouldn’t get fired for being shitty at my job. I would move on with my day, and I would feel about 10 pounds lighter.

I still keep too much stuff open. (As we speak, I’ve got three different Chrome windows open on two different laptops. I choose not to count the total tabs.) But I do so knowing that, if it gets too heavy, I can experience the momentary joy of surrendering to the inevitability that I can’t catch everything. In that moment, I feel OK with my decay.

Reading writers I wasn’t familiar with before

Two in particular stand out in my mind: Nekias Duncan, now of BasketballNews.com, who does excellent film breakdowns and statistical analysis, and Katie Heindl, who writes basketball stuff of all types all over the place, and strings sentences together in a way that scratches an itch inside my brain. I’m grateful I got more chances to read them this year, I look forward to bigger and better things for both of them, and I’m hopeful that, if things calm down and our schedules go back to something approximating normalcy, I’ll have more bandwidth to hunt out more new voices in the year ahead.

The time I ambushed my wife as she was trying to break down and put away the girls’ space tent

Pretty good.

Siobhan learning to ride a bicycle (with training wheels, but still)

The moment passed pretty quickly; Not Exactly A Mechanic over here can’t get the training wheels to reliably work right without either loosening them too much or tightening them so much that she can’t pedal it. In that first moment, though, and for as long as it lasted, it was really great to see her get excited about doing something new, big kid shit, for the first time.

She was proud. I was proud of her. And then we went to a playground for a few hours. Pretty good day.

Tyler Tynes roasting me

Tyler did some incredible work this year — The Cam Chronicles is getting deserved praise as one of 2020′s best podcasts, and his reporting on the Movement for Black Lives was exemplary. It’s hard to top this, though:

You know what the messed up part is? I was excited to tell him what I was doing, just because I knew the reaction would be so violent. Like a body rejecting a transplant. So lucky to have such a dear, dear friend.

PUP

I’m late on everything, so I didn’t start listening to PUP until the spring of 2019, but I haven’t really stopped since. This year has been too sedentary too often; this band is too kinetic to allow me to stay there.

“Bloody Mary Kate and Ashley Kate” is never more than about 20 minutes away from returning to the front of my mind. I would fucking love for it to be safe enough to watch these guys live at some point, and I am absolutely going to take Steve up on his offer.

Someone sending me a shirt based on a joke I tweeted

First:

Then:

Then:

I’m not sure you should be rewarding my behavior, SnoCoPrintShop, but I appreciate it all the same.

Which reminds me:

Family dinner/family movie night

My wife works in Manhattan and commutes back on the train, and we've tried to prioritize getting the girls to bed early since they were little, so that doesn’t leave much of a window between when she gets home and they go in the tub for us all to connect; before everything shut down, we almost never really ate together. We’re still not great about it, but for a while now we’ve carved out Saturday as family dinner night, where we sit down to eat and talk about our “up” from the day — something that happened that made us feel good or happy, or something we’re looking forward to. (We used to talk about our “down,” too, but that kind of seemed like overkill. Why try to focus on more bad shit right now, you know?)

Then we settle in for a movie, with who gets to pick rotating each week. It’s mostly been Pixar, which has been great but also has its drawbacks; after she caught me crying during one of them (maybe the Bing-Bong scene in Inside Out? or Miguel singing to Grandma Coco?), Siobhan straight up told me, “You need to get yourself together, man.” We just watched My Neighbor Totoro, too, which they loved, so we’re probably going to try some more Miyazaki soon. It’s a really simple thing, but it’s one we rarely made time for before, and it’s been really nice to manufacture something positive that we can share and look forward to together.

Sometimes looking like a shiftless drifter

No shade to anyone who felt strongly about getting a lineup or whatever, but I haven’t really felt like going to the barbershop was worth the risk, and I continue to refuse to believe that my wife can actually pull off the fade she’s long wanted to give me. (It is also possible that she just means she’s intending to run my fade, and that I will before long wind up cold-cocked and slumped by my bride of nine years.) So I’ve just kind of been growing out my hair like it was when I was single, and sometimes been letting my beard get kind of out of control too, and, well, I sort of like looking a little bit like a Wildling, it turns out.

I have since trimmed things up a little. It didn’t go over well with my youngest. Oh, well. I’ll try to do better next time.

My wife and daughter singing the Pixies

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We don’t know all the words to too many lullabies, so we sing the ones we do know the words to. This will probably come back to bite us in the years ahead. For now, though: Pretty good.

Doughboys’ Tournament of Chompions: Munch Madness: Mac Attack

I can’t believe how invested I became in Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell’s quest to determine the best menu item at McDonald’s in a 64-seed tournament that spawned hours and hours of delightfully funny audio featuring all-time home-run guests like Jon Gabrus and Nicole Byer, who gleefully feed into the often warm, sometimes antagonistic, always entertaining chemistry between the two hosts. I have also never found myself wanting to go to McDonald’s more in my entire life. I have hit the drive-thru a couple of times since, and the boys are right: The McDonald’s fountain Coke does just hit different.

Sound Only

I’ve lost track of whether or not a 38-year-old is considered a millennial, but I’m quite confident that I’m not exactly plugged into “the millennial lifestyle” as my teammates Justin Charity and Micah Peters discuss it on their podcast, which relaunched this summer. Doesn’t matter, though, because I love hearing Charity and Micah talk to each other even if I don’t know what they’re talking about.

Their conversation about Dave Chappelle was great. After listening to their Travis Scott episode, I felt like I kind of understood who he is and why he occupies the space he does in pop culture now. I had no idea how they were going to get me to give a shit about set photos from The Batman, but this they not only got me there, but wended their way toward blaming 50 Cent for needing to know who Groot is to have a conversation on the internet, which is something for which Abraham Lincoln did not die. The show is good, it's getting better, it’s fun to hear them talk their shit, and Charity’s regular bellowing of “I, TOO, AM AMERICA” has made me smile for four straight months. 

Siobhan’s letters and notes

She’s in first grade now, and she’s taken to communicating her feelings through the written word. A lot.

I won’t pretend that I loved all of these in the moment. I can only get so upset, though, when she’s already writing with such a clear voice. (And trying to use proper punctuation. (And drawing little cartoons to drive the point home.)

Palm Springs

I’m having a hard time remembering too many specifics about it right now, which probably means it’d be a good thing to rewatch over the holidays. But, as I’m sure many people noted many months before we got around to watching it, a comedy about living the same day over and over again, and about trying to figure out how to make your life mean something when everything seems meaningless, scratched a pretty particular, and particularly important, itch this year. It could’ve been twice as long, and I would’ve eaten up every second of Andy Samberg and Cristin Miloti together.

I’m pretty sure I cried, although this year, that doesn’t necessarily mean much.  Also, put Conner O’Malley in more things.

Joining our union’s bargaining committee

I won’t say too much about this, but I will say that becoming an active participant in the process of a labor union negotiating its first contract with management has been an extremely educational experience. It’s pushed me to have conversations, sometimes difficult ones, about our priorities as a staff and a company. It's helped me get closer with the other past and present members of the BC, and has led me to start developing relationships with members of our staff that I otherwise might not have had much of an opportunity to get to know.

The organizing work takes time, effort, and energy, but trying to do what I can to help take better care of my colleagues has been well worth all of that. Here’s hoping that in 2021 we can reach a deal that helps make our workplace even better, stronger, and more equitable for all of us.

Publishing a story about Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup

I swear this is true: After I accepted my offer to work at The Ringer, but before I started, I told a friend that one thing I was excited about was that you had the chance to work on offbeat stuff here, in both the “kind of weird” and “not about the NBA” senses. That, I thought, might maybe open the door to me getting to write a story about a Saturday Night Live sketch I saw when I was a teenager about Stevie Nicks from Fleetwod Mac running a cheap Tex-Mex restaurant in Sedona, Arizona — a sketch that I wasn’t sure anyone else remembered, but that was stuck in my head forever.

That story ran on May 26.

A lot of people seemed to like it.

Accomplishing this goal was, as dumb as this might sound, a highlight of my year, and, honestly, a highlight of my career. I’d like to do some more stuff like this next year, time permitting; we’ll see. Whether or not I do, I got to do this. I’ll always have that.

[cherryeol04]

The Firsts

Summary: No one ever told him that living was going to be so difficult. That there would emotions get couldn’t label and distinguish. He’s just a young boy trying to navigate through life and its unexpected ups and downs.

Genre: Humor, Fluff, smut(?)

Pairings: Oc x Felix, Oc x Changbin, Changbin x Oc x Felix

Warnings: poly relationship, angst in some part, excessive fighting about the MCU.

Parts: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16/ Part 17

A/N: This story has a theme of Firsts. First love, first kiss and many other firsts. Each part can be read on their own and are meant to stand as oneshots. It’s basically a collection of oneshots (little snapshots into my Oc’s life. 😁)

“The fact you took them back.” Minho grumbled as he sat across from Aiden, eyeing the other who was trying his hardest to hide himself behind Seungmin. “We spent three hours listening to you cry! Do you know how much that hurt hyung, Aiden? I care about you and I don’t want you to be hurt again. I can’t bear to see you go through that again.” He scolded and Aiden whined. 

“I know it’s just -“

“What bullshit did they feed you?” Minho asked. 

“It wasn’t bullshit.” Aiden whispered.

“Hyung.” Hyunjin spoke up, staring at Minho. “I know I came in after all this happened, but scolding him isn’t going to help the situation. I’m sure he has his reasons for accepting their apology and proposal. We should be supportive.” 

“I agree with Jinnie.” Seungmin nodded. “Besides, I saw them trying to make things better. Aiden just was too into his feels to notice. Whatever happened happened. It happened the way it did and now they’re trying to fix it. If it means less strain in the group, who are we to stop it?”

“But what if something happens again?” Minho protested, dropping his sandwich back on his plate and reached out, taking Aiden’s hand gently. “You know I’m not really mad or anything. I just worry about you. I was there from the start of your relationship with Felix until now. I just want -“

“And I appreciate you, hyung.” Aiden interrupted with a smile. “I really do. And I know you’re just looking out for me but I have to try this. I still love him. Both of them and if I don’t I’ll just be miserable for the rest of my life - always wondering about ‘what if’.” He said and pouted. “And if I’m wrong, then I’m wrong and I get hurt. But I’ll have learned then, and work to keep myself protected and try harder to find someone who will love me for all I am.”

“Aiden, stop trying to be such an adult. I miss the hyperactive brat you really are.” He chuckled softly. Smiling, Aiden shook hid head.

“Silly. I’ll be back to my normal self soon. I just wanted to tell you guys what happened before you like accidentally discover it. I think it was the better decision.”

“It was. Thank you for being honest with us.” Hyunjin smiled at him. “And I hope you three are happy for a while, okay?”

“Thanks. That means so much to me.”

“Alright, enough with the sappiness though. I would like to eat my lunch and not puke.” Seungmin teased, pulling laughs from the others as they went back to eating. 

———

“And I told Mr. Jung that there is just no way I can compose four songs last minute like this!” Chan grumbled as he stared at his computer. “I mean I could do one or two by Friday, but I can’t do four.”

“I told you he was crazy, why didn’t you listen to me?” Woojin asked as he eyed the younger male with a smirk. 

“Listen mom -“

“Damn, if this is what university life is like, I don’t want to graduate.” Jisung pouted from his spot on the floor, back pressed against the couch. His history textbook laying open in his lap. “High school is supposed to be easy too!”

“Ah, I miss the good old days.” Woojin mused with a soft sigh. 

“It was literally last year.” Minho scoffed with a laugh. “Stop trying to age yourself.”

“Back in my day I had to walk down the halls with all my books in my hands. None of this new-fangled technology of lockers like you youngins have.” Chan spoke, voiced pitched in his playful teasing. 

“Grandpa!” Felix cheered and laughed harder when Chan smacked his fellow Aussie in the chest with a pillow. 

“Siri, how do you time travel?” Changbin asked as he held up his phone, the others laughing along with him. 

“I need new friends.” Chan groaned and rubbed his nose with the palm of his hand. 

“Sorry hyung, already tried that and they’re still here.” Aiden teased as he looked up from his notebook. “But you wouldn’t have us any other way.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.” Chan grunted and sighed. “But no seriously, how the hell am I suppose to make 4 songs?” He asked. 

“I can help if you want.” Changbin offered. 

“Oh me too!” Jisung jumped in. “Just got a really high score in production class. I’m like a genius. I got you hyung.”

“Genius? In who’s world?” Seungmin asked, brow raised. 

“In my world, duh.”

“I beg to differ.” Seungmin scoffed. 

“Only if you call me daddy.” Jisung smirked and Aiden choked on his water, coughing harshly as he smacked his chest quickly. 

“Ji! You can’t be saying that stuff around the virgin!” Minho poked at Aiden. “His poor heart can’t take your sinful tongue.” There was a beat of silence before Minho continued. “But I can.” He smirked. 

“Jesus!” Aiden hissed as he coughed again. “Can we not have this sexual talk in my Christian server? Thank you!” He pouted. 

“You would think, a man with two boyfriends wouldn’t still be a virgin.” Woojin mused. 

“Back in my days, whores just ran about flashing every Tom, Dick, and Harry they saw.” Chan joked. 

“Sometimes it was a Harry dick.” Woojin added and laughed as Aiden smacked his head on the table.

“I need new friends!” Aiden whined loudly. 

“Sucks to be you kid.” Chan smirked and shook his head. “Now, about my song production.”

———

Aiden whined as he laid back in the bed, staring up at the off white ceiling of Felix’s bedroom. The room silent, save for his soft breathing and he allowed himself to fall into the thoughts that were running over a million miles a minute. It was only a single thought, one comment that had been said that was really bugging him. 

“You would think, a man with two boyfriend wouldn’t still be a virgin.”

Was it bad he was still a virgin? Was Felix still one? Changbin even? He was pretty sure that Minho had been with Seungmin at one point and now was probably chasing Jisung’s tail. Said friend most likely wasn’t a virgin from all the tales he had told Aiden about the women he had dated back at his old school in Malaysia. 

He couldn’t be too sure about Chan or Woojin. A part of him was thinking that they were dating based on their behavior, but a part of him wasn’t entirely sure they were both gay or simply had interest in guys. And Hyunjin was a mystery to him. The little twink acted both experienced and shy and he couldn’t even decipher what was an act and what wasn’t. 

It worried Aiden. He could very possibly be the only virgin in his friend group and it seemed wrong. It’s not like he needed to have sex in order for his friends to accept him, they already did - at least he thought. It was just something about the way they teased him and Aiden wasn’t stupid. He knew they meant no harm by their words, it was all in good jest. But it was still an insecurity he had. 

Being inexperienced. And now it seemed that maybe he was the only inexperienced person in the group and it worried him. His mind drifted off to thoughts of Felix and Changbin, and what would happen when it came to that time for them to be intimate. How would he able to handle it? He could barely reciprocate the moves Changbin had used on him a while ago, he certainly wouldn’t be able to survive now that there were two of them. And what if he sucked? 

What if he couldn’t figure out how to touch Felix the right way? Or make Changbin moan? What if he couldn’t get either of them off and they were left hard and wanting - disappointed in his lack of ability?

He sighed and lifted his phone up, finger pressing and holding down the lock button until the screen flashed. “Siri, where is the nearest cliff I can yeet off of?”

“Okay, here is what I found.”

Aiden’s nose scrunched up as he read the results for the nearest Cliff’s Restaurant that he could eat off of. 

“Good job, Siri. I knew I could count on you.” He sighed. 

“Oh god, Binnie it’s worse than we thought, he’s started talking to himself.” Aiden lifted his head and watched as Felix and Changbin walked into the room, arms filled with snacks and drinks for their movie marathon. 

“I knew we shouldn’t have left him alone.” Changbin tasked. 

“I should have offered him my pet rock. He’s a great listener.”

Changbin paused and stared at Felix with concern. “Right.” He said slowly and gave a nod. “Okay so I’m dating two psychopaths.”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Oh, that’s creepy. They’re even in sync. Minho warned me about you crazy people.”

“Oh my god, shut up!” Aiden tossed a pillow at him, laughing as it struck Changbin in the face. “Asshole, you know you love us.”

“I never said I didn’t.” Changbin countered as he kicked the pillow back towards the bed and walked over, setting the various cans and bottles of drinks on the nightstand. Sitting up in the bed, Aiden crossed his legs as he leaned over and looked at each label. 

“Alright, we got drinks. We got snacks. I got Black Panther queued in the DVD player, are we ready for a bomb ass movie night?” Felix asked. 

“You’re way too excited for this." Changbin laughed as he took a seat next to Aiden on the bed. 

“Black Panther is my favorite MCU movie, don’t hate.” Felix pouted as he grabbed the remote and jumped onto the bed, getting the DVD screen up on his tv.

“No hate.” Changbin hummed and smirked. “Isn’t there a legend about having sex after watching Black Panther?” He asked.

Aiden could feel his pulse start pounding as he stared at Changbin. There he was being so cheeky, trying to look innocent but his smirk was anything but. “I do not recall any legend. I believe that once we watch Black Panther then we can have cuddle sessions anywhere we want. A better achievement to unlock.” He said quickly. 

Felix laughed at that and shook his head. “We can stop with this whole ‘watching marvel movies leads to something’ joke. Really, at this point, we shouldn’t base our relationship off of watching the MCU.”

“Oh lord, Felix is going to be profound again. Something about moving at our pace and being intimate when we’re ready. And blah blah blah.” Changbin rambled on and Felix pouted. “On the nose right?”

“I hate when you do that.” Felix whined and sighed before looking to Aiden. “But he’s right. Relax babe, we won’t do anything you’re not ready for.”

“W-What?! Why do you think it’s me?” He squealed our indignantly. They both gave him a pointed look and he flushed, looking away quickly. 

“Because you’re the shy one.” Changbin cooed and reached out, pinching Aiden’s cheek gently. “I remember when you got so pouty when you couldn’t even touch my dick, and then you made such a mess.”

“Stop!” Aiden whined and pushed his hand away, smacking Changbin’s arm lightly. “That was so long ago.”

“It was. Wouldn’t mind doing it again honestly.” 

“I wouldn’t mind watching either.” Felix grinned. 

Aiden honestly wasn't sure what to say or do in that moment. Being reminded of the time he jerked off with Changbin had brought back a lot of memories and feelings that he really hadn't allowed himself to feel in a while. He could still see Changbin's face, clear as day when the other told him to cum - that thought alone sending a shiver down his spine. Did he want to do stuff with them? Of course he did. And really he was the only one holding himself back from enjoying the company of his two boyfriends - from experiencing whatever pleasure the two could bring him. He needed to get over himself, and just let loose. But it was hard, so very hard. Especially when is insecurity of being inexperienced was one of the reasons he thought Felix had cheated on him and was going to break up with him. He had been wrong, but that didn't ease any of his feelings. It only seemed to intensify them. 

Aiden hadn't notice Changbin moving until he felt the broad, strong chest pressing against his back. Muscular arms wrapped around his waist, and had Changbin's arms always been that bulky and sexy? Since when had his best friend started working out? Last he remembered, he could barely get Changbin out of his bed to walk down the stairs to get food on some days. When did he find the energy to actually go to a gym and work out? "You know we won't force you, right?" Changbin's voice was soft, words so gentle as his lips grazed Aiden's ear and embarrassingly he whimpered. "It doesn't matter if we have sex now, next week or three years from now." he continued, fingers gently rubbing against the flat plane of his abdomen soothingly. It didn't actually help in any way to relax him and Aiden found himself even tenser than he had been just being lost in his own head. "It's not important. What is important is that you feel comfortable with us - with doing simple things." he said as he rested his chin on Aiden's shoulder gently. 

"I know." A whisper, barely audible and Aiden hated himself for sounding so timid at the moment. "I just don't want to disappoint you."

"How can you disappoint us?" Felix asked, brow raised. "Where in your mind did you come up with such a ridiculous thought?" 

"It's not ridiculous!" Aiden argued and pouted. "You both are so experienced and I'm not. Hell, I avoided kissing you for like a whole week and half because I was scared I would suck at it!" he confessed, cheeks heating up at the memories of his flailing about Changbin's home and crying to Minho and Seungmin because he just couldn't get up the courage to kiss Felix and was too afraid that if he let his guard down and Felix kissed him, the other would leave him. 

"Who says we're experienced?" Felix asked with a snort. "Really Aiden? Is that what you've been thinking this whole time?" he asked.

"Well, yeah." Aiden whispered, eyes lowering as he stared at his lap, focusing on picking at the skin of his thumb, rather than the intense burn of his boyfriend's eyes on him. "Aren't you?"

Changbin laughed at that and Aiden knew he didn't mean to be hurtful in his laughter, but it did still hurt because he was laughing at him. At his apparently stupid thought process - not that he didn't agree, it was pretty stupid when he said his thoughts out loud. "No!" he spoke through his chuckles. Aiden could feel the rumble of Changbin's deep laughter through his chest, shaking Aiden to his core and for a moment he simply got lost in the feeling and the closeness. But when Changbin started talking again, he was pulled from his thoughts and forced himself to focus on the words being spoken. "I've kissed someone before, yeah. But I'm not experienced in anything. I jack off a lot, so does that give me experience in hand jobs?" he asked 

"Well, I mean... maybe?" Aiden asked curiously.

"Then that means you're experienced too." Changbin pointed out. "But I haven't done anything else, with anyone, including Felix." Changbin lifted his gaze from Aiden to look at the blonde male sitting in front of them. Felix nodded his head, a soft sigh leaving his lips

"I haven't done anything either." Felix confessed. "You were my first kiss Aiden." Aiden felt his eyes widen impossibly large at the admission. He honestly hadn't thought he was Felix's first kiss. The other seemed to experienced in what they were doing - how their lips moved and the right amount of pressure to put to keep a kiss soft or maybe to make it a little more heated.

"But I thought-"

"That's the thing, baby. You thought, you never asked." Changbin cut him off, lips pressing lightly to Aiden's cheek. "You sit there and worry about being inexperienced, thinking the rest of us have so much experience that there is no way we could possibly want you, but we're just as inexperienced as you are." he told him. "And that's okay because like Felix said before, it's okay to be inexperienced. It's what life is about, going through the unknown and learning...together."  Aiden could feel himself pouting, brows drawn together as he did his best to will the tears from welling up in his eyes. He remembered Felix saying that on the night of the confession in the Ferris Wheel. He just never thought they meant it, or what it actually meant for them.

But now it was different. He was being told he wasn't alone in being inexperienced. The people he thought who were experienced, weren't and for some reason, that made everything seem okay. Because he wasn't going to be embarrassing himself or being compared to a past relationship. Everything was fresh and new for them. 

And maybe that's all Aiden had needed to know from the very start.

"I want to." he whispered, lifting his gaze to meet Felix's eyes and then turned his head to stare at Changbin.

"Want to what?" Felix asked gently. 

"Have sex. I want to, I'm just scared." He felt Changbin's arms tighten around him, pulling him back closer as he nuzzled his neck gently. 

"It's okay. We can do it when you're ready, baby. There's nothing to be scared about okay?"  Aiden nodded his head slowly, letting out a soft exhale as he relaxed fully against Changbin. Lifting his arms, he held them out towards Felix, smiling as the Australian crawled into his lap and laid against him, cuddling into his chest. Aiden wrapped his arms around Felix and sighed contently, eyes closing as he enjoyed the warmth the closeness brought to him. Aiden watched as Felix grabbed the remote for his DVD player once more and started the movie, the three of them falling into a comfortable silence as they were sucked into wonders of Black Panther. The worries and fears that had plagued Aiden's mind for almost year were finally eased, assured that his two boyfriends would take their time with him and not rush him and he was sure they would make their first time together - whenever that may be - memorable. And for that, he was so thankful to have them in his life.

[yamayamawrites]

The Way You Said “I Love You” - #1

Hi friends! A while ago I reblogged a prompt list from mottainaiiii (find the original post here!) with ways to say “I love you”. Now, a very ridiculous amount of time later, I plan on actually writing one-shots (or maybe a fic? Not sure if I want them to overlap) to go with each of these. 

I’m also posting these to my AO3 page, which you can find here! I really miss writing and it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve posted anything, so to get myself back into it I figured I’d start with prompts that I reblogged literally years ago.

Anyways, enough from me! Here’s the first chapter!

Chapter 1: As a Hello

Marinette and Adrien had been dancing around an important topic for weeks now. That important topic was feelings. Specifically, how they felt about each other. Because after that night at Alya’s, they certainly weren’t just the close friends they thought they were.

After high school, Marinette and Adrien found themselves attending the same university – both on a scholarship that was too good to pass up. Despite how insistent Adrien’s father was on paying for Adrien to go to the best university France had to offer, Adrien continually told him that he wanted to make his way through university without financial help. That didn’t stop Adrien’s father from paying Adrien’s monthly rent at his apartment, but luckily it stopped him from interfering anywhere else.

Nino wasn’t going to university. In his last year of high school, his music career took off when one of his songs played on Paris’s most popular radio station. He moved closer to the coast and out of the city of Paris, and Alya followed him. She attended classes online while she worked full-time as an intern at a journalism company.

This is all to say that the four best friends they’d come to be during their last year of high school had split up, and by the end of their first semester of university, there was a certain pain of something missing that drew them back together.

Marinette had stopped Adrien one day on campus walking out of a different classroom than her. “Hey!” she chirped and, noticing the dark bags under his eyes, assumed he’d just left his last final exam. “Uh, you alright?”

Adrien laughed in response, a bit dazed. “Oh, yeah. Doin’ great. I got a whole hour of sleep last night!”

Marinette laughed back, gently touching his arm. The way friends did. “Well, I’m sure you could use the rest. I was stopping you to…” she tried to recall why she’d stopped him, actually. “Oh! Oh yeah! Alya called last night and invited me out to her and Nino’s apartment for a bit during the break. She told me to ask you – she doesn’t have your number.”

Now that was a lie, Marinette well knew. Alya had everyone’s number. Alya still insisted on trying to set the couple up together, despite both of them believing they were better off as close friends. They seemed to be the only two who believed that to be true.

Adrien leaned in towards her, the way friends do. “Oh, that sounds great! I’ll drive?”

“Well, since you offered,” Marinette giggled. Adrien enjoyed giving Marinette rides when they went out of town together – which for some reason happened quite often now that Adrien had no photo shoots to worry about and Marinette worked mostly remote. “Pick me up after you take a nap, handsome,” she  teased and ruffled his hair, the way friends do.

“’Course. I’ll call you before I leave?” he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, the way friends do.

“You better!” Marinette said as she turned around, smiling her entire walk back to her bike.

The entire drive there, Marinette and Adrien listened to the pop music station, counting how many times Nino’s music came on.

“God, I just can’t believe how famous he got so quickly,” Adrien sighed. “I’m so proud of him.”

Marinette smiled. Adrien genuinely cared for every person in his life, she learned. Even when Chloe first appeared on television, despite Adrien’s annoyance with her, he called her and congratulated her. It made Marinette appreciate the people in her life more.

Adrien began singing along to one of Nino’s songs, quietly at first, then building confidence as Marinette sang with him. Before long, the two were bellowing the song as loudly as they could, laughing at each other’s expressiveness.

They arrived to Nino’s and Alya’s apartment late that evening, and perhaps it was the relief of getting to fully rest after finals week that made Adrien and Marinette so nonchalant about the fact that the third bedroom in the apartment didn’t have a bed for one of them to take. Neither Adrien nor Marinette would offer themselves to take the couch (which was notoriously uncomfortable), and as a result, they slept together in the guest room.

The following morning Marinette woke up first, and the embarrassment of actually sleeping with Adrien set in. She cringed at her stubbornness the night before and quietly grabbed her clothes. She changed in the bathroom and met Alya in the kitchen. Alya smirked her knowing smirk, her mind already swirling with theories of what had happened the night before.

“Shut up,” Marinette groaned before Alya could even open her mouth. Alya just laughed in response and passed her a mug of coffee.

Adrien and Marinette ended up staying for about a week. Alya and Nino announced that they were having a Christmas party the night before Adrien and Marinette were planning on leaving. That excited Marinette; she hadn’t gotten the chance to meet all of the quirky people Alya worked with, but she practically knew their life stories considering how often Alya called to gossip about them. There was Monique, who had too many cats; Adeline and Thomas were in some sort of “on again off again” relationship; and her personal favorite that Marinette desperately hoped to meet was Cindy, who apparently did something crazy every single weekend. Last week, in honor of Christmas coming up, she dyed half her hair white and the other half red.

The group spent most of that Saturday decorating the apartment with cheesy Christmas decorations Nino had bought on sale some time ago. Marinette helped Alya bake cookies for the party, and Adrien and Nino made a quick snack run to prepare.

The party itself was relatively small. Sadly Marinette didn’t get to meet Cindy; she texted Alya just an hour before and said that she was going to Ireland on a surprise trip with her boyfriend. She did, however, meet Thomas and Adeline, who were apparently “off again” that day, because they refused to speak to each other. About halfway through the party, they seemed to be “on again” because they excused themselves to the bedroom to talk for a while.

Marinette didn’t hear any talking, but that wasn’t her business.

Nino had a couple friends come over as well. A few lesser-known musicians, mostly, who Marinette might have been able to recognize one song by. The group of them mostly sat around the living room – Adrien’s arm draped around Marinette’s shoulders, and Marinette leaning into him, like friends do – and played Cards Against Humanity. Each of them had a drink in hand (Marinette didn’t know when Alya got so good at mixing drinks, but she didn’t question it).

Thomas and Adeline left first, followed by a few of Nino’s friends and Monique (who said she had to go feed her cats). Alya and Nino were cleaning something up in the kitchen, and Adrien and Marinette were chatting nonchalantly on the couch, his arm still around her. Sitting in a chair across the room was the last of Nino’s friends (maybe his name was Peter? Marinette couldn’t remember), who was putting the cards back into the box. Finally, he looked up at them and said, “You two are really cute. How long have you been together?”

Adrien’s first instinct was to laugh, and Marinette’s was to push herself away from Adrien’s side. “We’re not dating,” they said in unison, Marinette sounding frightened and Adrien amused.

“Wow, really? Exes?”

“Uh, no,” Marinette squeaked out.

“Huh,” he shrugged. “Well, whatever you’ve got, I wish I had it.” He finished packing up the box. “Merry Christmas. Nice to meet you two.”

“Nice to meet you,” they responded, again in unison, and he went into the kitchen to say goodbye to Nino.

Adrien returned his attention to Marinette. “Do you think he’s got a point?” he asked thoughtfully.

“A-about what?”

“We’d make a really hot couple,” he teased, poking at her side. She laughed, a bit nervously, standing up and turning away.

“I’m gonna go see if they need any help,” she said, walking out of the room.

Later that night, Marinette offered to sleep on the couch.

The car ride home the next morning was quiet. Neither of them sang along to the music, they simply put on Nino’s Christmas album and listened. At one point Adrien tried to ask if Marinette was okay, but she just squeaked and nodded quickly. He knew her well enough to know that everything was not okay, but he was oblivious that he might be causing it.

Marinette had been up all night thinking about how she truly felt about Adrien. Sure, she’d had a massive crush on him, but she strongly believed that she’d grown out of it. Plus, did they really look like a couple? Friends were close with each other, right? They enjoyed sitting close to each other, and calling each other “handsome” and “beautiful”, and jokingly holding hands, and sleeping in the same bed – like friends do, right?

She buried her face in her hands. Not like friends do. Like boyfriends and girlfriends do.

Adrien dropped her off in front of her apartment, offering to walk her upstairs, but she shook her head and excused herself, saying she felt sick. He once again offered to walk her up, as that was more of a reason to walk her upstairs, but still she declined.

He texted her Christmas morning to wish her a ‘Merry Christmas, beautiful!’ and she responded with ‘Merry Christmas!’

Other than that, they did not talk. And it drove Marinette crazy.

The first day of winter semester, she texted Adrien and asked to meet him at the campus café after class. He agreed, and she made the decision that she couldn’t take the way she felt. Adrien needed to know.

She would just spit it out. Then, she wouldn’t have to think of what to say. Just… “I love you.” That’s all it took. She could do it.

She couldn’t do it. Adrien had already gotten her a caramel coffee, she could see it sitting on the table in front of him, and she couldn’t take how sweet he was. Did she really want to risk everything just so he knew how she felt?

Her inner battle to decide what to do continued even as she sat down at the table. Adrien smiled over at her. “Hey, how was your first class?”

“I love you,” she said, a bit more aggressively than she meant to.

“I,” Adrien’s cheeks flushed. “Uh, I love you too? You’re like my best friend—”

“No, Adrien,” she shook her head. Her cheeks were warm and she could tell her face was nearly as red as her shirt. “I love you. I love being close to you, and calling each other pet names, and – I just, I’m in love with you.”

“I…” Adrien, for the first time, stumbled over his words. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything, I just needed to say that to you—”

“I think I’m in love with you, too.”

The words hung in the air for a moment. Marinette blinked. Adrien blinked back. Both seemed a bit shocked by the words that had come out of Adrien’s mouth. Finally, Marinette processed what he’d said. “I…you…huh?”

“Well, I love all of that stuff too. And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t turned down like, a hundred girls because I didn’t want to lose time with you,” he rubbed his neck sheepishly.

Marinette laughed, then, surprising both of them. “Oh my gosh,” she buried her face in her hands. “We’re idiots. Have we just been dating this whole time?”

Adrien laughed back. “Uh, maybe?”

“Do you want to go on a proper date, then?”

“I’ll pick you up at seven.”