#they just tend to pile up on me and then i become an overwhelmed little bean

[deejadabbles]

Hey darlings, I wanted to pop in and say that I'm sorry I haven't been very active on here lately, work is pretty awful right now, ngl, and I've found out some distressing news that means it will only get steadily worse for the rest of the year.

I'm still trying to find the energy to write, so hopefully I'll still be able to post sometimes. But if I post a fic then disappear for a bit just know that I'm still seeing your reblogs and comments and they mean the absolute world to me!

I'm still here, just, not wielding the energy to interact much 💙

[ilovenatasharomanoff2-0]

How Natasha would fuck you in different seasons

Warnings: Unprotected sex, a little degradation, intersex Natasha, mentions of hair pulling, cunnilingus, oral (both receive)

Pairings: Intersex Natasha (she has a cock) x reader

Wc: 801

During the spring season, Natasha would show a notably gentle disposition towards you. The atmosphere would be tranquil and unhurried, with raindrops cascading down the windows of your modern apartment. She wouldn't have any place to be. It wouldn't be rushed at all. Waking up to her slowly fucking you from the side. She would always find the time to bend you over the marble countertops and fuck you, making you almost burn the food left on the stovetop.

The amount of praise she would tell you is insane, too. "Such a good girl for me, y/n."

Maybe it's the pollen, but she's so gentle with you for these few months.

In contrast to her softness during the spring season, Natasha's character would show huge differences during the summer months. Natasha would have your face down, ass up on her bed fucking you roughly, her cock hitting that particular spot repeatedly. Her hand would make a makeshift ponytail and lift your head from the pillow so that you could hear the most degrading things that left her mouth known to man.

"You're such a dirty slut, y/n, letting me fuck you whenever I feel like it? Do your friends know how much of a whore you are, huh?"

A window would always be open because of how hot and humid the room got in such a short amount of time. Your moans are almost as loud as all of the cars from down below. You could already see a noise complaint heading your way from your neighbors, but you couldn't care less.

During fall, Natasha would always want to be eating you out. She's so desperate to taste your pussy. She's so pussy whipped it's crazy. She would eat you out during the most random times of the day.

You and Natasha would be carving pumpkins to put out on your balcony, and out of nowhere, she would be on the ground, pushing her face into your knee and begging you to let her taste your pussy.

"Please, y/n, just five minutes; I'll make you cum so fast, y/n. I just need to taste you."

During these months, she tends to become very submissive. The fall season is typically characterized by overwhelming paperwork that piles up, leading to exhaustion. Additionally, she has the responsibility of assisting the agents with their training, which can be pretty demanding.

You would have her whimpering and shaking as you sucked her off late at night, telling her "I can help relieve some of that stress, Nat."

I could also see you riding her often because the poor girl is exhausted. She would feel all up on your body as you moved your hips back and forth; she loves how warm and tight your cunt is and will always comment on it.

On Halloween, you two would have to go inside early and leave the candy basket outside with a sign that says, 'Only take one or else...' (thanks to Natasha) because of how horny Natasha was getting. It was hard to not see the bulge in her sweatpants. (her costume would be a pirate, but no one would know because she just draws two big circles around her eyes and a mustache.)

Natasha would be the softest during winter. She would be so slow and gentle with you, just like spring. She would be on top of you on the couch, thrusting into you passionately.

The newly purchased logs would crack in the fireplace, the warmth spreading throughout the room and the flames slowly turning the wood into ash. Slow jazz music would be playing in the back as you had a Christmas movie with zero volume, so you could hear each other's moans.

She wouldn't be 'fucking' you or having 'sex' with you, she would be making love to you. Her head would be buried into your neck, sucking on the skin and leaving marks, as your hand touched her head and scratched it lightly. Small moans came out of your mouth every few seconds as Natasha moved her hips in and out of you.

The room was cast in a dim and hazy glow, with only the distant twinkling of the city's lights providing any illumination. She would constantly tell you how gorgeous you are and that you are the only girl she would want in the entire world.

She would also be really needy to be inside you, whether that's her tongue, fingers, or cock. It would be the best part of her day. Whenever she's at her office, you'll always drive there to give her a hot soup, tea, and an allergy relief pill because she can't stop sneezing and coughing. After eating, she would repay you by letting you cockwarm her while she finished some mission reports Furry assigned her.

[total-drama-brainrot]

Noah is canonically the youngest of eight sibling. Eight.

You don't grow up in a family that large, as the youngest and therefore the favourite victim, and not have a super casual relationship with touch.

This guy is light enough to be literally blown away by a strong breeze; if you think even for a second that his family didn't take turns carrying him around like a briefcase and abducting him from whatever he was doing into a Family Pile™ then you're objectively wrong.

(You also can't convince me that he wasn't spoiled rotten as the baby of the family.)

So frequent platonic touching is pretty normal for him, expected even, and he tends to be more tactile than his personality or demeanour would suggest.

He gives Owen side-hugs and pats on the arm every time the two interact, and wilfully flops himself onto Eva whenever he's overwhelmed and wants the company of someone comparatively quiet (she always uses it as an excuse to carry him to the gym and encourage him to bulk up, though it never works). He tries to tire out Izzy's boundless energy by play-fighting and grappling with her (much to his chagrin) despite him essentially ending up as her glorified chew toy, and often times passes out due to being a stick insect in human form.

It's unexpected, just how casually clingy he is to the people he trusts/likes.

But you know who isn't used to physical contact?

Cody E.J. "my parents forgot my birthday" Anderson

This wet noodle of a boy bigs himself up as a ladies' man and a hot commodity but wouldn't know what to do with himself if someone held his hand. The concept of affection of any kind is so foreign to him, especially positive physical contact- I wouldn't be surprised if he could count the amount of hugs his parents had given him on one hand.

And this is backed by his canonical desperation for acknowledgement! Every time he pursues Gwen, even when he's directly shot down and sometimes harshly rejected, he still tries to win her affections and festers the delusion that she likes him. After all, everyone who's supposed to care about him does the same! His parents, 'friends' or lack thereof, ect.; they all ignore/rebuff him so it must be a sign of endearment.

Additionally, he sleeps with a stuffed emu at the ripe age of 16/17- as stated by Sierra, which he never denies (not that there's anything wrong with that, stuffed animals are top tier imho). You know who else sleeps with stuffed animals? Touch-starved people.

Cody is incredibly attention-starved, touch-starved and, post World Tour, in all likelihood somewhat touch-averse- at least when it comes to other people initiating contact.

To elaborate; Sierra is constantly breaching his personal bubble non-consensually, which would inadvertently condition anyone into being at least a little haphephobic, but Cody himself is more than happy to instigate contact with people he trusts (i.e. hugging Alejandro when he protects Cody from Sierra overnight in Rapa Phooey!).

...See where I'm going with this?

We see these two cuddling twice in canon; once in the Awake-a-thon and again in the Celebrity Manhunt. Once is happenstance, but twice indicates a pattern or coincidence but I'm going to gloss over that for the sake of this post.

Plus, with their consistent proximity during Action, they had plenty of time to form some type of relationship be it friendly or more.

(Wouldn't you want to at the very least get some closure from the guy who kissed you/you kissed for the world to see? It would be awkward to completely ignore each other, and they literally shared a cabin at one point so it's not like they were strangers either. So of course they're at least cordial from Action onwards.)

Then, as Noah becomes more comfortable around Cody, his tactile tendancies come to play.

Cody, predictably, reacts skittishly at the alien phenomenon known as friendly touch and tries to play it off to preserve his cool-guy image. Except Noah's not falling for it. He's observant, if emotionally illiterate, and watching the guy you just backpatted in greeting jump five feet into the air and screech like a falcon is a flashing red alarm for even the most empathetically challenged people.

Eventually, Noah gets Cody to divulge his issues with human contact and offers his assistance to the brunette. If giving his pal a hug every now and then, and letting him in turn initiate whatever he's comfortable with, would help him overcome his rocky relationship with touch then Noah is more than happy to oblige. It's not like it's out of the norm for him, so he doesn't mind at all.

Then, gradually, Cody loses his touch aversion.

But a lifetime of isolation won't be magically cured that easily, and he finds himself craving Noah's embrace more and more. Again, the taller of the two is content to give him what he wants. Their agreement evolves into the duo napping together and feeding into Noah's sleep-hugging habit, or just spending quality time in a heap of pretzeled limbs under a weighted blanket.

(Whether their relationship is platonic or romantic is entirely up to interpretation, though I'm partial to the two being friends who are just Like That since it allows for the funniest potential character interactions. The bromance is real.)

That's as good a place as any to end the post, before I end up writing a whole drabble.

[yandere-fics]

♡ Selene Finds Out Her Pet Is Hiding Their Heat ♡

(Sorry girlfailure I will do your prompts but they inspired me to do this first, I was debating who to do this for but just went with Selene for the angstiness.)

You were certain Selene would grow sick of you at some point, sure having a bunny hybrid who you filled with your knot every single night was cute at first but for a person like Selene you knew her affections were not bound to last, she might not kick you out but you were certain it was only a matter of time before you no longer got to sleep in her bed with her because she had brought another home or even worse she tried to bring you in for a threesome and you knew your heart would not be able to handle that much betrayal so you kept as much distance from her as you could.

You slept in another room when she was passed out drunk, often times kicking and fighting your way out of her tight grip just to sleep on the couch, refusing to eat from her hands unless she shoved it in your mouth, refusing to sit on her lap during 'bonding time' until she started forcing you to do so, never speaking to her unless spoken to and trying your damnedest to hide your heat from her because if she knotted you while you were in heat you'd be bonded to her completely and you didn't want that to occur so on every walk you went with her you shoved whatever herbs you could find outside that you knew suppressed heats in your mouth hoping she wouldn't notice.

Selene couldn't tell why her hybrid wasn't warming up to her as much as she had been told you would, sure she hadn't informed you that you were soulmates but that was because she assumed it wasn't necessary and you already knew from the hybrid thing. She had been told bunny hybrids were very easy going which was why she'd decided to get one just to have a bit of joy in her life but she'd lucked out and found her soulmate there, she'd gotten so lucky such an affectionate type was her soulmate and for the first two weeks you really leaned into her, you barely even squeaked when she marked you on the first night and you hadn't said anything when you saw the huge gash on your neck in the mirror, mostly just a bit of shock it scarred up so fast.

You changed after the first two weeks though, she kept having to wrangle you just to get you to cuddle her and while you were still drooling as she rammed her tongue down your throat every night, she always woke to a cold empty bed and you barely even spoke to her compared to how excitedly you'd spoken in the first weeks. She just wanted to hear one of your cute bunny rants again, she needed to wait for your heat if she wanted you to be affectionate again, you'd come around once she spent your heat with you, she'd heard fucking your bunny often and then stopping could often induce their heat quicker once the overwhelming horniness tended to pile up in itself, she didn't want to make you think she stopped loving you though so she made sure to become extra affectionate during the times she couldn't fuck you, though you still weren't reciprocating very much and it was starting to devastate her every day your heat wasn't close because she knew she'd have to wake up in a cold lonely bed once again and have to go find her mate and drag you back to bed for more cuddling.

She was not happy when she found out what all those plants you often ate out in the forest were for, honestly she'd just thought it was a really cute hybrid trait until she looked up to herbs so she could make sure her mate didn't eat anything poisonous and discovered you were keeping your heat away.

"Selly, Selly! Please stop!" You sobbed as she cuffed your hand to her bed, well at least you were finally addressing her outside of sex but that did very little to calm her anger. She thought you were just taking an awfully long time to go into heat but as it turns out it was fucking on purpose! She just wanted to bond with you properly, she'd marked you sure but she thought going through your heat would finally fully solidify the bond on both sides, you were doing your best to stop that though. Why? Was it so she would be more attached to you than you were to her? You were lucky you were soulmates so she would forgive you once this whole debacle was over.

"You're lucky I'm not shoving my cock down your throat until you vomit up those fucking plants, what made you think that would be okay, dove?!"

"C-cause you were gonna g-grow sick of me, people always get sick of their hybrids after a few months and r-return them, I didn't want to be a-attached like the others were when you returned me." She ran her fingers through her hair sighing, you were her soulmates, obviously soulmates stick together so it was a very stupid concern for her little dove to have, luckily your heat would arrive soon after you stopped eating those plants regularly and then she'd be able to forgive you for this. For now though you were staying chained up until your heat came, letting her cuddle and hand feed your for a few days straight was the least you could do to make it up.

[cebwrites]

hi!! I noticed you didn’t have anything for roger so hey, why not? Could I request a lil Drabble or headcanons of roger and rayleigh with a VERY nervous/jumpy gn S/o? I have ptsd and HATE being touched, and tend to jump or snap at anything that touches me unexpectedly, and I tend to get panicked easily if I feel cornered. I always wondered how those two do with that sorta thing! Tysm!!

a/n: hello hello, the main reason i didn't have anything for roger was because i'm not too familiar with him haha, but this is something i can relate to to an extent! i've been going to the same hairdresser for years but without fail every time he touches my shoulder to let me know it's my turn in the chair i flinch 🥲 (on the flip side though i do like touch a lot, just not when it’s unexpected ;; )

ah well i’m not too familiar with these characters yet, so in any case i hope you still like it! ;w;/

with a jumpy s/o (Roger, Rayleigh)

gn reader word count: 0.5k

Roger

He’s loud, he’s imposing, he’s there - when Roger steps in a room everyone knows it, not just because of his size but also the weight of his presence - and I don’t mean Haki either

Roger’s very touchy around the people he cares about, his crew, the red and blue runts that have more or less become his sons, and any partner he has as well; he has a lot of love and only wants even more to share it

To someone who doesn’t quite share the same sentiment, though, this is... less than ideal

There would be mis-steps at first, big and small, with Roger’s nature potentially giving his partner a serious although unintended scare, but he’s a quick and keen learner (not to mention incredibly apologetic, prostrating to you in his quarters until Rayleigh smacked him to quit the theatrics)

Roger’s usually aware of how imposing he is, but after the first incident he’s much more careful - he never takes any snapping to heart and as an added bonus Rog takes up a lot of space when he sits down, so it’d just be you and him close together if you feel like you’re up for the contact

Roger always leaves the reigns in your hands, mindful of being too overwhelming by accident again, but can never quite hide his joy when you do show him affection, grinning as brightly as the sun itself when you brush your hand against his face in the morning, allowing him to gently kiss the back of it before either of you are quite fully awake

Rayleigh

Rayleigh on the other hand would have a keen eye for this, picking up on it from the start, making sure there was always an adequate amount of distance between the two of you and announcing his coming/goings so you’d never be spooked or surprised by him

Perhaps even a little too well, however, he realizes when you ask him late one night after everyone’s hit the hay, all cuddled up in one giant pile on the deck while you made yourself comfortable in a small nook away from much of the noise, if this quirk of yours made him dislike having you as a partner

He’s quick to realize his mistake, calmly reaching out a hand to take or reject at your leisure; Rayleigh explains how it was never his intention to alienate you in any way, how he only wanted to make sure you could feel safe around him given how touchy-feely and ‘in everyone else’s shit’ the rest of the crew tended to be, much like their captain

Rayleigh is used to being the one to initiate any contact if at all, so he’s grateful for what small hints you’re comfortable showing him from time to time, like falling asleep on his shoulder, where he fights himself internally on whether or not to give your snoozing head a little kiss - his heart eventually wins out, planting a quick one to your hair before you or anyone else saw

[slavicafire]

Dear Slavicafire,

If fate may have it, please bestow me with your patience and wisdom, as it seems I have found myself in a situation.

You see, a dear and precious soldier, a part of my family, passed away after two months of restlessness. I've been in such great emotional and spiritual agony that I've been unable (moreso unwilling) to go out, to talk to people, to eat, to read, anything but sleeping, and painting in complete silence. It is the only way I can let time heal me, and I will need a lot of time.

So, I find myself trapped by no other than my friends. They know how I am. They know me from my introversion to my coping mechanisms and still they have persistently refused to let me rest and weep. It's not about checking on me, it's about asking me to go out. To party. For coffee. To a public pool. I expressed my sadness, I never respond to their 'Are you okay? 's and I can SEE they realize I am not.

Day after day, they persist.

I'm at a breaking point where I may shun them from my life with no other warning anymore and maybe re-appear to what has been left in a month or two. I decided to be the better version of myself and hold on just a little longer just to see what happens.

How do I carefully tell them to kindly leave me alone to mourn when they know I need the time and distance already (explicitly stated) and that they cannot be of help at such a time?

All my kindest wishes to you, and may you rarely encounter the unfortunate events I have these days.

first, I am very sorry for your loss - and for the way your grief is misunderstood, too.

now, the thing is about grief is that no one else can fully understand what you are going through - it's not something that can be described perfectly to another soul, and two people can be utmost alike in every aspect yet their grief will not be the same. but still, people want to understand - and they want to help, even if they do it awkwardly or do more harm than good. your friends have the best intentions - and grief, sticky thing, affects them too, even if in the smallest of ways. they care about you and they want to help - just expressing your sadness or not replying to their questions is not enough for them to even begin to understand your grief.

instead of shutting them off, you must give them a way to help with your grief. it might sound tough or unfair, but it is something that we owe to our friends.

you must give them a way to help you that meets two criteria: it's something that you need, one, and two, it's something they can provide. silence and leaving you alone isn't the solution - it might be what you feel that you need, but it's not something they can provide.

explain to them, even if briefly, that hounding you to get out and go out isn't what you need from them right now, and then tell them: what I need from you - phrase it directly, that you do need this from them - is X and Y and Z.

now, think about that XYZ. perhaps it's running some errands for you when you don't have the strength to do it. ordering dinner to your house so you don't have to cook on a weekend. perhaps helping you clean when dishes or laundry pile up, or walking your dog, or even making sure that your friend group has support in each other and everyone keeps the others in check so they don't become overbearing towards you.

you know your situation and you know your friends - give them some way to help. sometimes, even if the face of overwhelming grief, thinking about how to keep your friends busy might be a welcome break from the silence and the painting, on your own terms and in your own tempo.

best of luck, dearest stranger, and might your grief ease soon, taken in by the soil of your heart and tended until it's not a dead seed anymore. stay strong.

[scarletwritesshit]

📝 Ganyu x Neuvillette 📝Different Definitions of Relaxing

Ganyu had been residing in Fontaine for quite some time now. With Morax no longer holding divine authority over Liyue, and Keqing doing a relatively good job keeping the nation under control herself, Ganyu had little to no assignments left for herself to attend to. Knowing there could never be a shortage of things that needed done, she became rather anxious without having a way to keep herself occupied.

The time she was spending in Fontaine with Neuvillette was supposed to be relaxing, but unfortunately, Ganyu spent more time worrying about all of the piled-up work that followed from the nation’s flooding and Neuvillette’s takeover. Anxious to be doing something to pass the time, she took her concerns up with Neuvillette, and knowing how hard it would be to break her of her old habits in a matter of a short time, he decided that it wouldn’t hurt to give her some of his work, if it at least kept her worries at bay.

He only intended for her to attend to a small, easier portion of his backlog, in order to give her a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Their definition of “small portion” seem to differ, however.

After leaving her to work in peace for an afternoon, Neuvillette walked into his office to check up on Ganyu, who he had not heard from since he left her to work. He thought that perhaps, she might’ve dozed off, as she did have a tendency to do so quite frequently. When he opened the door, he was greeted with the sight of his desk being stacked with towers and towers of papers.

To his surprise, the towers were all stacked and sorted rather neatly. Official documents, requests from the residents of Fontaine, court records, and anything else that one could possibly think of had its own stack. Even documents meant for Neuvillette himself had their own place separate from the others.

As he was admiring the sheer amount of work she had accomplished, Ganyu’s little horns and purple eyes peaked up from behind the immense stacks of papers. She reached up to add a few more pieces on top of a stack, and her eyes went wide when she caught sight of Neuvillette.

“Oh! N-Neuvillette! I didn’t expect you to be back so soon,” she said.

“I am merely visiting to check up on you as you had expressed your anxiety in the recent past. Though, while I am impressed with the scope of the work you have completed, I remain rather worried about your well-being.”

“W-worried? You shouldn’t be…I am doing all of this of my own free will.”

“And your free will tends to drive you to exhaustion,” Neuvillette said, walking around the table stacked full of paper and standing beside Ganyu.

“Exhaustion? I told you to not be worried about me; this is what I do for a living,” she said, returning to shuffle through paperwork.

“For a living doesn’t necessarily mean for as long as you may live,” Neuvillette said, gently grabbing one of her wrists to stop her from digging further into a stack. “I realize you claim to find great comfort in your activities, but you must take the steps necessary to prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed.”

“But…don’t you have a great deal of work to worry about yourself, Neuvillette?”

“That is true, however, I pace myself making sure to attend to higher priority documents before any other spare work, rather than tending to it all at once, like you seem to be attempting.”

“Don’t you want more free time, without the worry of a high workload? More time for you to just…relax?”

“Relax coming from you certainly is not something I would expect,” he said with a gentle laugh. “Neither of us would ever have a chance relax if we kept working at the rate at which you are currently at. Currently, I’d advise for you to forget about the rest that needs to be done, and allow for me tend to them.”

“But I promised you that I would relieve you of some of your burden.”

“Which you did, plenty. I merely wanted put your mind at ease while with a small amount of work to keep you distracted, until you felt satisfied and perhaps a free of your self-imposed burden. A little goes a long way, Ganyu, and I believe you have done more than enough.”

“E-enough? But there’s still more! Plenty more!”

“And that plenty more can wait,” Neuvillette assured Ganyu. “I believe you have done enough to allow me a least a few days of relaxation.”

“Only a few days? I’m…sorry I couldn’t do more for you…” Ganyu said, looking down at the unfinished paperwork in shame.

Neuvillette released the gentle grasp that he held on her wrist, allowing for Ganyu to place the papers that she still held down on the table. He slid his hand up her arm and rested it on her shoulder, gently rubbing it in an attempt to soothe Ganyu. She looked up to see him softly smiling, towering over her greatly, but still looking down at her fondly.

“A few days is more than enough for me, and I believe you have proven yourself to be quite capable, if that soothes your worries. I do advise you to rest now, lest you risk suffering further burnout.”

“I swear, Neuvillette, if you give me a bit more time I can cut down on even more-”

“I insist, what I want is for you to rest up.”

“And I insist on aiding you further, Neuvillete, so I’m not a dead weight who isn’t even from around here!”

“You need not worry about the weight of your presence, as the people and I always welcome you to visit with open arms. What’s far more worrisome is how you have been treating yourself lately, and so I insist on you stepping away from the stacks of my documents.”

Defeated, Ganyu rested her head on top of a small stack of papers that she had yet to sort through. Though she wanted to continue doing as much as she possibly could for Neuvillette, his calm, yet demanding tone had convinced her that perhaps, she should indeed take a rest. Truthfully, she had no energy left to move, but refused to admit it, even to Neuvillette. Besides, despite the amount of scrambling she found herself doing in an attempt to tend to Neuvillette’s overflow of work, she found sitting in his chair to be strangely calming, something that was rather dangerous in her tired state.

“But Neuvillette…” she said, rather sleepy. “Are you sure that this is okay?”

“I assure you, Ganyu, that you have done more for me than I could ever ask for,” he said, gently stroking her puffy hair.

After a few moments of gently stroking her hair, he looked down to see that she had dozed off. Though Neuvillette needed his seat to properly attend to his work, he could ultimately take anything of high priority away from the desk and work on it elsewhere in order to not disturb Ganyu. He looked through what Ganyu left unfinished, and decided that perhaps a day or two of waiting to attend to these documents wouldn’t bring harm to his schedule.

Now, he had to figure out what to do with the sleeping adeptus at his desk. He couldn’t just leave her in his office all alone. What if she woke herself up and continued working herself to death right from under his nose? Or if someone walked into his office in need, leaving her panicked and unknowing how to proceed?

He ultimately made the decision to leave Ganyu to rest in his chair. With a subconscious fear of her growing too cold from the influence of Hydro and her Cryo vision, he slid his coat off and gently draped it over Ganyu. The sheer size and weight of it almost completely engulfed her body, and Neuvillette had a feeling that in this state, she would not wake for quite some time.

Neuvillette then slid a book off of one of the shelves and quietly sat down, careful as to not disturb Ganyu as he waited for her to awaken.

[hxzelwallflower]

⋆˙⟡ Knowing your partner well can

potentially make writing together a lot easier

Name: - Bravo.

Pronouns: - she/her.

Name of muse: - Eileen R. Roosevelt.

Preference of communication: - Dms are good as long as we're following each other. I do have a Discord, but I'm very selective of who I give it to since I'm easily overwhelmed and have days where my social battery is low. Don't get me wrong I love talking and writing random scenarios, but during the work week my brain is extra smooth.

Experience/how long (months/years?): - My very first roleplay was with my best friend back in 2009, when "P.ictochat" was still available for the N.intendo Lite. I didn't start engaging with the public until mid 2012-2013, where I was introduced to platforms like Y.ahoo M.essenger and D.eviantART. While I originally joined T.umblr back in 2017, I never got involved with the rpc until December of 2021. I've been just about everywhere from old Y.outube comments, S.kype, T.witter, and even MSN. In total, I have fourteen years under my belt.

Best experience: - A T.witter thread between my current muse, (Eileen) and a Mafia!Fell Sans that wound up becoming one of the biggest slow burns to date. For two years me and my friend dragged out their relationship, deconstructing and piecing them back together to create a long-term ship that finally set sail two years down the road. They were one out of a handful of people from the Undertale community that really gave me a confidence boost, helped me improving areas of my writing as well as becoming some of my closest friends.

RP pet peeves/dealbreakers: - I'm chill when it comes to this community, very few things annoy me and I tend to blacklist whatever characters or fandoms I won't engage with. However, jealousy towards roleplay partners or vague posting is something I do not tolerate. Same goes for people who actively display passive aggressive behavior, or drag others into drama they have no involvement with. This community is a safe space for folks to come after a long day, whether to let off steam or just kick back and relax, nobody wants that negative shit.

Muse preference (fluff, angst or smut?): - Casual conversation is my go-to for days I don't feel like writing more than a couple paragraphs, it's always fun to see where things lead and get a feel for the others literature. 'Course fluff and angst are loved all the same, though recently I've focused more on domestic scenes of just day to day habits with a little of both sprinkled into the mix. I'll be honest though it's been, several years since I last wrote smut. Nothing against it I just, don't really think about it much since I prefer to explore character dynamics with something softer. My muse in general is soft, and it's extremely rare she gets put into a situation like that.

Plots or memes: - I'm a hoe for plots, but the easiest way to kick things off is to meme your way. I tend to approach people with questions about their muse if they're from a verse I'm not familiar with, and you're more than welcome to do the same! Eileen is multiverse for a reason, and while some of the more primary ones are listed on her carrd she does have a few that aren't on display.

Long or short replies: - Somewhere in between. I tend to mirror my partner's writing to make it easier, long as there's one paragraph for me to work with I'm not picky.

Best time to write: - There's never really a "good" time, but your best bet is on my days off. (Sun-Tue), I try to dedicate a few hours among my schedule to drafts or social media so they don't pile up. My activity is spotty enough, so don't take it to heart if I don't respond to you right away. I always draft things.

Are you like your muse: - In many ways, yes. While I'm more educated in sign language than French that's one thing that separates me from her. We do share alot of sensory/neurological challenges on a day to day basis, the need to keep our hands busy whether it be with a toy, with work, or other things as well as becoming short with people when we're overstimulated.

tagged by: yoinkus from @/lultimagoccia , now you do it weenie!

[euphoricfilter]

Oooh I l get the uni social problems. (I’m in my second semester). I do a lot of going to events hoping I’ll make friends, then leaving halfway through without actually making any friends because I prefer to leave a bit before my social battery dies so I don’t start saying stuff without any filter (I tend to skip common sense when my brain fries). My short conversations and sometimes just listening and asking questions has started piling up and even if I don’t have proper friends yet I have a fair number of friendly acquaintances. Maybe I’ll have a couple friends by the end of this semester.

i get that!!

i’ve actually been completely avoiding all the fresher events last week and will probably avoid all the ones this week too. the people in my hallway have asked me to come out with them a couple of times, or to drink with them in the kitchen and i’ve had to politely decline because it really just isn’t for me and i wouldn’t wanna ruin the vibes because my brain can only handle so much stimuli before i disassociate and just feel funky bad for like 3 days after

the last like year has been particularly bad for my social anxiety so i know i’ll be way too overwhelmed 10 minutes into whatever event is happening, especially the night time ones so i’ve been preserving my sanity and not going to anything because i just know i won’t enjoy any of it. and i think sometimes it’s hard to accommodate for yourself but i’ve been getting a little better at it, and hope i’m indirectly sending signals to the people i live with that i do like them but i’m just nervous a lot of the time

i think my problem is, i haven’t had to actively make friends since i was like 10. the school i just graduated from, my grade was small enough that you’re just kinda friends with everyone by default, because there’s 12 of you and that’s all you’ve got, so you kinda just get along with everyone and you’re all relatively comfortable among one another. so coming into an environment like this is very new and a little daunting…

everyone i’ve met has been very nice so far though, i know i have the tendency to overthink every conversation i have with people and a lot of my worries are in my head. super irrational and a little silly, but again, everyone’s brains are a little different and that’s okay

i would like to say that i definitely think me and the girl in the room next to me are friends though, like it’s easy to ask her if she wants to come to the shops with me, or her to message me about going out to get bubble tea and stuff like that. and i shared my garlic bread with her the other day so i’d argue that was a defining moment in becoming friends because i really love garlic bread

as for the 3 guys i met today, it was kinda spontaneous and i was not ready for them to just call me to sit with them… and every time they would ask me questions i could feel my brain going into absolute overdrive. they did like my choice of favorite movies though so that’s at least a good start. and i didn’t wanna like stick to them the whole day because i thought that would be weird but when i strayed away from them a little they’d make sure i caught up so they seem super nice too

honestly i thought i’d be a little like you, and kinda just have a few good acquaintances that i’m semi comfortable with, especially in my classes. so if we have any group work at least i’m not like peeing myself trying to figure out who to work with but everyone’s just so nice 😭

i feel like i do the complete opposite!!! the moment my social battery is dying i’m silent. i can not form a singular thought that isn’t about my suffering and then i fully dissociate and feel like crying a little and have to force myself to actually pay attention to what is happening otherwise i will retreat into my little mind and think about silly little things so i don’t have to be fully there

i believe you’ll get friends soon!! my dad keeps telling me that it’s all still new and slowly you’ll gravitate towards people like yourself, with maybe the same interests or ways of thinking!! so i believe in the both of us and our abilities to find good people to be friends with 🫡‼️

and i hope your university life is going good too!! less anxiety inducing than mine has been so far and that you’re eating well and taking care of yourself well too 🫂💞

[stayevildarling]

Wilhemina Venable x Reader- Sick

word count: 5.4k

warnings: mention of scoliosis, sickness, dizziness, angst + fluff

A/N: Hi everyone! I can't believe this is my first sick fic but I just had to do one with Wilhemina x Reader. If anyone would like to see some more, I might do a series of these with Cordelia or Ally or even Billie. (Let me know)

This is dedicated to a very special person I met on Tumblr- I hope you remember to take a break from time to time and look after yourself! ✨

Taglist:

@lunaticwhittaker , @mrsdeanhoward , @alexajbitar , @in-cordelias-coven , @kenzbro , @loverofallthingssarah , @twistedpoeticjustice , @billiebeanhoward , @minaslittleone , @lilypadscoven , @vintagepaulson , @ninaahs , @whitelotus00 , @httpfiftyshadesofgay

''If you decide to go into work, it's at your own risk, don't come running to me afterwards, if you don't feel well'' Wilhemina's harsh words ring through your ears as you stand by your desk, trying to focus on the tasks ahead. All you can feel, as your hand wanders to the table, desperately looking for some support to not lose balance, to not give your legs the power to stop supporting you and to fight your body from giving up and letting exhaustion win.

In reality, Wilhemina's words weren't supposed to come out as harsh and rushed as they did, her stern and cold tone and demeanor, only a defensive mechanism for the woman, trying to hide her true feelings that are buried deep within her soul. She meant to protect you, from yourself mostly but also the sickness and the flu that had come knocking about a week ago, but you being stubborn pushing it away as if it wasn't real or meaningful.

However, as you stand by your desk, trying hard not to lose balance, you realize that all along Wilhemina had been right and you should have listened. The times, she told you to stop working so much and doing over hours as your job demanded it, the times she told you that making her a bath or cooking dinner isn't necessary that day. The times she told you to take care of yourself and simply lie down but you wouldn't listen, always caring more about everyone else's wellbeing, especially the redheads than your own.

''Miss Y/L/N, have you finished your assigned task yet by chance?'' you hear the voice of your boss, as she enters and you wish she didn't, as her voice only adds to the throbbing pain in your head, causing your vision to blur and everything to feel even more unbearable than it already does.

With all the fight and strength left in you, you manage to turn around and grab the folder, handing it to her with shaky hands. You had always been good at hiding, either fighting battles of sickness or overwhelming thoughts, drowning in your own emotions deep down but remaining to keep a perfect facade and smile to the people on the outside, so they didn't understand and learn your true feelings as you see no reason to bother them with it. However, no matter how much you try and hide this and pretend that you aren't consumed by sickness fighting your body, it's very visible in your features.

Even though your boss is a very hectic person, always caring about performing well and getting work done as ''efficiently and quickly as possible'' as she repeats on a daily basis, even she manages to notice your fragile state. Your face, which is usually filled with light and warm smiles, doesn't just lack the genuine smile and warmth but also color as you are incredibly pale. She quickly connects the dots, noticing how your hand is gripping around the desk still and how your other hand is shaking uncontrollably.

''Miss Y/L/N, are you feeling alright?'' you hear her ask before your eyes feel heavier as the exhaustion is slowly creeping up on you and you have trouble concentrating on what is happening, as you feel more in a dream-like state. For a moment, everything seems to pause and you only snap out of it when you feel some weight pressing on your shoulders and someone forcing you to sit down on a chair they pulled closer.

Only as you force your eyes open, slightly confused and dumbfounded at what is happening,  you realize it's your boss making you sit down and walking to the other end of the room to get some water for you. ''Miss Y/L/N while I appreciate your determination, you should have called in sick this morning'' she explains, while handing you a glass of water with a compassionate smile but the concern visible in her features. ''I just wanted to-to finish the'' you start but stop midway as you feel sick at the pure sensation of water in your mouth, let alone swallowing it.

''I understand but you need some rest, that much is plain, need me to call someone for you?'' she asks but you instantly tense, knowing your girlfriend Wilhemina will definitely not be amused if she has to pick you up from work, after explicitly telling you not to go in the first place, this morning and last night. Not to mention, she is at her own workplace, having to deal with her own piles of work, her constant back pain, and two idiot bosses on top of it all.

''No I am ok- okay'' you manage to get the words out and force your best smile, knowing if you aren't going to be convincing enough, she might not let you leave without calling someone. ''Very well but you better not show your face here, until you are truly better'' she warns, with a little smile, knowing how determined you are, and while she appreciates your work attitude a lot, she knows you tend to overwork yourself and forgetting to take care of yourself in the process.

Taking a deep breath, you somehow manage to prop yourself up and grab your bag, taking slow but steady steps towards the exit and the bus stop. As you walk through the corridor, momentarily blinded by the bright lights flickering, you are well aware you shouldn't attempt to get on the bus, considering there is still a little walk back to yours and Wilhemina's apartment but you could never bother your girlfriend with this, not because she told you so in the first place but because you need to remain stable and alright.

As you walk through exit and towards the bus stop, you feel some droplets of rain on your skin and instantly shiver a little as the cold water only adds to the uncomfortable feeling. Focussing on your vision and the bus timetable as you actually don't know the times because you would usually never leave work after two hours, the dizziness momentarily passes a little as the thoughts become overwhelming. Waves of uncomfortable thoughts crash into your brain, with no way of stopping ''What if they will fire me, what if people will be disappointed in me, what if Wilhemina hates me?''.

You try your best to take deep breaths and push the thoughts away but the only thing usually helpful at keeping the storm and waves of emotions at bay, is the woman you are trying to hide this from. Usually, she could tell by how stressed or anxious you seem and without addressing it much, she will just pull you into her arms or let your exhausted body rest on her lap, the soft hums and stroking her fingers through your hair, stopping the thoughts momentarily.

''Are you getting on Miss?'' you hear a male unfamiliar voice, snapping you out of your thoughts and noticing that somehow the bus already arrived and you blink a few times, confused whether you just stood there for ages, unable to focus on anything in reality anymore or if it just happened to arrive so quickly. ''Miss?'' he tries again, his voice now showing a slight sign of impatience. Your mind automatically connects it with Wilhemina's impatience whenever you would just admire her, completely taken back by her beauty and features and the same agitation in her voice, as she would try to speak to you.

''Yes,'' you quickly say and get on the bus, showing your ticket like you would every morning. Finally collapsing onto the nearest seat you can find, leaning your head against the window and closing your eyes, you feel some of the exhaustion fade as you sit on a comfortable surface. Your thoughts wander back to Wilhemina and it suddenly dawns on you that you haven't even texted her your usual good morning text yet or checked-in how her work is going. A small part of you wants to avoid any confrontation with her today as you are still worried, she will be mad at you.

After all, maybe you could avoid all the questions and confrontation if you simply lied. Of course, you are fully aware it won't be easy to lie to your girlfriend, especially with her always being able to tell but you wonder if you could somehow pull it off. Pretending to still be at work and only got off work a bit earlier, not to worry her and not to argue, as she did tell you after all not to come running to her.

Deciding on actually messaging her and pulling your phone out of your bag, you realize it was a mistake as soon as the bright screen blinds your vision yet again. All you could see before your eyes force shut, is Wilhemina's name on your screen but you can't begin to read the messages as your fragile state isn't allowing you to do so. Deciding on dealing with that later, you rest your head against the window and zone out for a while, trying hard not to fall asleep on the bus and end up somewhere entirely opposite to your direction and final stop- home.

Part of you doesn't remember how you ended up in bed a while later, your brain too tired to remember the details of getting off the bus at the right stop and walking aimlessly for a few minutes before you found yourself in front of your shared apartment. Thankfully, along the way, your subconsciousness took over and guided your body home safely, as you were in no state to focus on much anymore, your body on autopilot mode.

As soon as your tired body finally comes into contact with your mattress, pulling the blanket closer to your face and snuggling up comfortably, you feel relieved, and before any more waves of overwhelming thoughts arrive, your body finally allows itself to rest and you fall into a deep slumber. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you remembered to set an alarm for in a few hours, making sure you would be awake for when Wilhemina would return, even in your sleepy and sick state, still keeping track of everything and keeping your perfect facade up.

However, whenever you try and protect everyone around you, considering every detail perfectly you tend to ignore yourself in the process and checking in on how you are feeling or how decisions might affect you. As a result, you didn't just take a small nap like intended, you fell asleep, sleeping off most of the fever and letting your tired body fight the illness. However, due to your state, you fail to wake up from the alarm or wake up to Wilhemina coming home from work, a little early as she couldn't reach you all day, not the usual lunchtime call or messages you would sent her, no matter how busy you are.

As soon as Wilhemina unlocks the door, discarding her small purple handbag on the table, she walks through the apartment in an effort to find you, her cane hitting the floor hard and with a heavy force, reflecting what she is feeling inside. Of course, she had known you haven't been feeling well and not only hiding it from her but also trying to push through like you usually would. The redhead didn't mean to lash out at you or use the harsh words she did in the end but your actions and behavior reminded the sometimes stern woman of her own behavior. Always ignoring her back pain and pushing through endless emails or documents on her desk, regretting it the same day or days later when the pain felt unbearable, and yet she still hid it from everyone.

She was trying to look out for you, the times she told you not to go in, take a break, and also when she said she wouldn't be there. Of course, she would, Wilhemina loves you and her love for you has been both the most confusing and strong thing she has ever felt for anyone. You had crashed into Wilhemina's life like a thunder, unexpected, and with heavy force, she had no idea the day you walked into her life, it would change everything. It didn't just change Wilhemina herself and being able to open up slowly, it also allowed her to feel emotions and understand them as something positive and not something you should try and hide or avoid at all costs. From day one you had brought out her soft side, allowing those walls to tumble down and letting the light and love into her life as her heart has been a dark and lonely place for long enough.

Her first stop is the kitchen, hoping deep down she wouldn't find you cooking in there, or the dining room with a meal prepared, as she wouldn't want you to overwork yourself even more after work. After not finding you there, she checks the bathroom but no sign of you either, only to finally be met with the bedroom in complete darkness. Slightly dumbfounded, she switches the light on, the lamp slowly filling the room with light and exposing your fragile, shivering body on the bed.

Wilhemina's heart almost breaks at the sight, seeing you in such discomfort and knowing at the same time it must be bad if you voluntarily went to bed early and skip the usual responsibilities that aren't actually your chores or Wilhemina expecting them of you but you thinking that regardless. She slowly approaches the bed, her cane hitting the floor very carefully and quiet now, sure to not wake you up in the process, as she wouldn't want to startle you or add to the discomfort you are in.

She finds you wrapped in a blanket, still wearing the clothes you had left in this morning and Wilhemina knows if you willingly did that, you must have felt awful when you returned home. Her hand wanders closer to your face, gently tucking at the blanket so she can take a look at your face. She gasps a little when she sees how pale you are, droplets of sweat on your forehead at the same time and her heart breaks at the sight, seeing her little one in this much pain and distress.

For a moment the redhead debates what to do as she has never been great at taking care of anyone or allowing people to take care of herself. As a child, she was often told not to exaggerate, that her back pain isn't that bad, that it doesn't need checking out from doctors and that she just has to deal with it. Eventually, she started to believe it and the emotional abuse she suffered in her young years, combined with the pain, made the redhead believe that she isn't worthy of affection or love or someone taking care of her. Even till this day, she barely allows you to help her out with her pains, not liking the fact anyone would show her the affection and tender care that was lacking in her younger years.

Gently, her hand reaches for your forehead, her rational thinking kicking in now to determine the state and severity of your illness. As soon as the back of her palm comes into contact with your forehead, she gasps, her facial expression changing from concerned and wishing she could just cure you right there, into worrying and shock. Her nostrils flare as she has no idea how you managed to get through the last hours and at the same time feeling angry, that you kept her in the dark and didn't call her. A small part of Wilhemina understands however, as she would have done the same thing, hide, keep the perfect smile and pretend like nothing is bothering her.

Wilhemina stands there for a moment, looking over your body exhausted from sickness, deciding on what to do, her rational side is telling her to take you to a doctor but there is no way she would trust them. The redhead woman had too many bad experiences before to trust them again, often mistreated with her back or prescripted the wrong medication and there is no way she would ever let her little one go through similar experiences. In the end, she decides on the only thing logical which is taking care of you herself, right at home. She balances on her cane again, trying to be quiet before walking into the kitchen to retrieve the necessary items.

The ruffling noises, mixed with cane tapping coming from the kitchen, as well as the cold unknown feeling on your forehead a little while ago, end up waking you up from your slumber, and instantly your body tenses up as you realize Wilhemina is home. In your slightly panicked state, overwhelmed with the thoughts on how to get out of this situation, ignoring the throbbing headache or the fact the room is spinning from the lack of food and water today, you once again fail to acknowledge what is right in front of you.

Right in front of you, stands Wilhemina, your girlfriend, a little tray in her hand, trying to balance it with the support of her cane and free hand, looking at you with a confused reaction, both about the fact you are awake and also the fact you are staring at the wall, not moving at all. ''Little one, you are awake'' she states, her voice sounding a little softer than usual. Instantly you snap out of it, panic once again rippling through your body as you fear her reaction, ignoring the fact she is standing in front of you with a little tray with water, soup, and medication.

Wilhemina notices you tensing, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling in her back that the carrying of the tray had caused her, she walks closer to the bed, putting the tray on the night table finally, before breathing out a moment as the uncomfortable feeling leaves her. She turns to you, her eyebrows furrowing again, the concern now very visible in her features, unable to hide it any longer and not caring about that, your wellbeing her main priority.

''Little one'' she states, her head tilting slightly and her eyes slowly locking with yours as you force yourself to take a look at your girlfriend. As soon as you take a look at the redhead, you feel partly relieved as there is no sign of anger visible but at the same time, you feel awful for the concern you had caused her, not to mention the back pain you must have caused her, considering her awkward posture, standing in front of you, still balancing both hands on her cane. Finally, as your eyes wander to the little tray, you feel like bursting into tears at the fact Wilhemina had done this for you, considering she must have just returned from work and you knowing how hard things like these are for her with her condition.

''Mina?'' your voice cracks not only from the feeling of knives in your throat as illness seems to have taken up most of your body but also tears building up, both guilty ones putting Wilhemina through the effort as well as sad ones that your walls are breaking down, right here in front of the woman you usually encourage to let her walls down and true emotions in.

''I'm here little one'' she whispers, her hand wandering to your cheek, cupping it gently and stroking it with the back of her palm. It doesn't take words to exchange what is on each other's mind, you feeling sorry for lying and pushing, realizing now that indeed your partner had been right from the start. And Wilhemina also feeling guilty for using such harsh words on you this morning and at the same time upset to see her girl in such distress and pain. As soon as you feel her palm on your cheek, some tears stream down your face as you try and contain the sobs and fight back the last few emotions and thoughts, keeping you from breaking right in front of her.

As soon as Wilhemina feels the tears falling, she catches them with her thumb, wiping them away gently before whispering ''Now don't cry sweet girl'' trying to hide her own emotions and the pain it brings her whenever seeing you upset. Whenever she would see you in any kind of distress or any negative emotion visible in your features it would cause her great pain, a different kind of feeling than her back could ever cause her, as her heart would ache, her only intention to make you smile again, especially in that dorky adorable way she loves and that causes for her heart to flutter, even though she wouldn't admit that to anyone, including you.

After wiping your tears, Wilhemina hands you some water and medication from the tray and you look at her with a slightly confused expression, as you haven't fully realized yet, it doesn't need words for Wilhemina to understand how awful you are feeling. ''Now take them little one, it will make you feel better'' she promises and without thinking twice you lead the tablets to your mouth, swallowing them with some water. The feeling of the cold liquid soothing your throat momentarily distracts you from the pain that you seem to feel all over your body. ''Good girl'' Wilhemina praises as you hand her the bottle, a little smirk rising on your features.

''Now I need you to eat this'' she demands, handing you the bowl of chicken noodle soup, that you usually love. You look at her with a slightly disgusted expression as the thought of food is only adding to the sick feeling in your stomach. ''I know but eat up for me, will you?'' she asks gently, not reminding you of the stern Wilhemina at all. All you can do in response is nod and take the bowl from her hands. ''I will be right back'' she explains, leaving you behind with your soup before walking out of the bedroom. For a moment you debate whether to just abandon the food again, as you genuinely don't feel like eating but there is no way you would let the woman you had fallen in love with, down a second time today.

You enjoy the silence for a moment, the only sounds to be heard, the spoon as it scoops up the liquid, feeling soothing in your throat but painful in your stomach at the same time. Shortly after the sound of a cane fills the room again and with each tap you somehow feel nervous, knowing the conversation was still to be held why you had lied to Wilhemina and not listened to her in the first place, only adding to the anxiety you feel. You see as the redhead walks in with a few towels and your favorite pajamas, that she would usually mock, too ''adorable'' for her liking, as you would usually put it.

''Have you had some?'' she asks and points at the soup and you simply nod while your eyes are begging her not to eat anymore. ''Fine, come on there is a bath waiting for you'' she informs you and you simply nod and slowly make your way out of bed. Midway to the bathroom, you realize how severe the nauseous feeling has been and you hold onto the wall to balance for a moment before you feel a hand on your back. ''I'm right by your side'' you hear Wilhemina's voice behind you and it sends a warm, comfortable fuzzy feeling through your body, reminding you that you aren't alone in this and that your girlfriend has got your back, literally.

You manage to find your way to the bathroom, with the support of Wilhemina's hand on your back and even though it takes you a while, you manage to sit in the bath and let the warm water soothe your skin and tired muscles. ''Do you think you will be okay in here for a bit?'' Wilhemina asks and you simply nod, feeling sleepy and relaxed at the same time. As your partner, walks back in the bedroom to prepare you for the night ahead and her own night which will probably result in no sleep and a lot of worrying over you, you sink a little further into the bath, confusing the bathtub with your own bed for a moment as you feel a little too comfortable.

''Little one are you-'' Wilhemina enters the bathroom, only to find you in the bath, asleep, your head resting on the purple little pillow she had bought a while ago and attached it to the bath. She frowns at the sight for a moment, before her features change as she realizes, this time she is going to have to wake you up, as there is no way her back condition will allow her to simply lift you out of the bath and carry you to bed, as much as she would like to do that. The usual strong woman fights some of her own tears back both at your state but also the painful reminder of her scoliosis.

Slowly you wake up, as you feel some water on your head and a hand washing out some shampoo, combined with a few muffled words that you can't quite understand yet, only just having woken up from your little slumber. ''Little one, wake up we have got to get you out of here'' you hear Mina's voice. You blink a few times, dumbfounded at the fact you are in the bath, not remembering much but feeling that your body is already feeling more relaxed than waking up earlier from your first slumber. ''Mina, what are you doing?'' you question as you realize she is bending awkwardly to wash your hair out and free it from the bubbles of shampoo. Quickly you sit up and free her from the uncomfortable position. ''Come on let's get you out'' she says and with all the strength you have left, you prop yourself up and exit the bath. Soon your skin comes into contact with a warm towel provided by Wilhemina.

You enjoy the feeling for a moment, before slowly getting changed into your pajamas and following your partner back to the bedroom. At this point, the medication has already freed you from most of your pain but your body still feels exhausted, so you quickly lie down in bed and pull the blanket closer, shivering slightly from the cool sensation of the air on your legs. Wilhemina returns to the bedroom, moments later in her purple nightgown, her hair falling loosely now and you admire your girlfriend for a moment, never quite able to believe how lucky you truly are and also always finding yourself taken back by her beauty, after years of being with each other.

The redhead approaches her side of the bed, book in hand as usual but for a change abandoning it on her night table, resting her cane in her usual spot, and carefully sitting down while leaning her back against the headboard of the bed. ''Come here'' she instructs, opening her arms and freeing her lap for you to rest your head in. Usually, she would do this after you had a long day at work, Wilhemina being able to tell instantly what an awful day you must have had and how it exhausted you both mentally and physically.

Reluctantly, you move your tired head onto her lap, still worried deep down about the conversation that is yet to be held and her true feelings about this. You had lied to her, hidden the truth from her and even though the redhead had often done the same, it felt different to you, like a betrayal. Your eyes close as soon as you feel her hands come into contact with your head, her fingers running through your hair gently and momentarily numbing the pain you are in. The smell of lavender sends you in a little dreamlike state as your partner just did a small evening routine instead of the usual, more bothered about making sure you are safe and feeling alright.

''Is that the hand cream?'' you mumble, starting to feel sleepy already as your whole body is ready to forget about today, the medication soothing your tired muscles and keeping your temperature at bay. ''It is little one'' Wilhemina whispers, smiling a little and relieved that you are still somewhat in a clear headspace as you remembered the lavender hand cream you had bought her before. She strokes your hair, untangling some knots gently with her fingertips as there was no time to brush your hair, the idea of the comfortable bed too convincing.

''Are you feeling alright, my darling?'' she asks, noticing how you are already on the verge of falling asleep. ''Hm Mh'' you mumble, as you slowly start falling asleep, despite trying to fight to stay awake to be in your partner's embrace and feel her safety and the warmth she radiates onto you, just a moment longer. She frowns, hating to see you pushing yourself so hard and her not being able to do anything about it, the state you are in now only the result of pushing yourself over the past few days.

''You need to stop being so hard on yourself and pushing'' she warns, knowing deep down you aren't fully aware of her words anymore as you fall into a slumber. ''I just want you to be safe and healthy'' she carries on, holding you in her arms, as if she was trying to shield you from the outside world and things that might be thrown across your way, including yourself. As soon as the redhead hears your little snores, she smiles a little, happy you are at least getting some more rest in her arms and at the same time glad, she is able to protect you now, knowing tomorrow is another day to come to have an actual conversation about this. She averts her gaze, and she is met with the mirror on the other side of the room, seeing you asleep on her lap and for a moment the woman, usually so hard on herself crumbles for a second as tears stream down her cheeks.

She remembers the moments in her younger years or even to this day, where she kept pushing and listening to her parents or the ugly voices in her head, telling her she isn't deserving to take breaks or look after herself. As she sees you safe and sound in her arms she can't help but feel gratitude, that you had walked into her life a while ago, knowing that you both have each other now. At this moment as she watches your tired body, chest rising and falling with each breath, she promises herself to never let you push this much again and to get you to take care of yourself, fully aware it won't be easy as she struggles with those things herself.

''Everything will be okay, I'm here little one you are safe'' she whispers, reassuring you again that you aren't alone in this and that she will be by your side. After watching you for a few seconds longer, she carefully reaches for her book, opening it and keeping herself occupied while she is determined to stay awake, not caring about sleep herself as she feels the need to stay with you and be there for you in case you wake up and need the redhead.

As she opens her book, now occupied by it, you are already asleep, your body slowly healing from today, both a mix of medication, rest but also the tender care, love, and affection Wilhemina has shown you since arriving back home and continues showing, as one of her hands is still rubbing soothing circles on your head, occasionally checking your forehead for a temperature.

[angrelysimpping]

ok but darryl and wren being friends is something i absolutely can see. their friendship would be really cool

also. that made me think about poly wren x reader x darryl 👀

I...I too was thinking about poly Wren x Reader x Darryl 👉👈

Just....

Wren swinging by the club when you're both working, keeping you company while you tend the bar and occasionally stealing kisses. Sometimes slipping their hands up your shirt or down your pants to tease you. Sneaks into Darryl's office. Will actually steal Darryl's glasses. Darryl catches onto what Wren's doing after maybe the sixth or seventh time, but they still agree to give Wren a kiss if they help look for their glasses.

You and Wren both dancing. Darryl hiding their face in their hands 'cause Wren keeps making it abundantly clear who they're dancing for.

Both are incredibly cuddly. It takes a while for Darryl to get comfortable with physical touch but the moment they are, they always want to give and receive hugs and head pats and boops on the nose. Wren getting flustered the first time Darryl asks if they can play with Wren's hair. Walking into Darryl's office to chill while the club closes down only to find a blushing Darryl, pinned in their office chair by Wren because Wren fell asleep while Darryl played with their hair and Darryl didn't want to wake them.

Walking to Darryl's apartment together, Wrens arm around your shoulders and holding Darryl's hand.

Darryl being open to physical touch from both of you means cuddle piles. They get a bigger bed to make sure you're all comfortable together but then you'll wake up squished between Wren and Darryl. Blankets are not needed as much in the winter because neither of them are moving away, even if they get over heated. If you want space, Wren becomes the middle. Darryl doesn't like being in the middle =<

Darryl insists on making breakfast. Every morning. "Morning." Darryl usually wake up later in the day. But they insist! Darryl very much views giving food as a form of love.

Wren walks you to school when Darryl can't for one reason or another. If Leighton get's involved, Wren is quick to make it known not to fuck with either of you. Wren may or may not break into Leighton's office to give them a 'surprise.'

The utter chaos that is group dates.

So much aftercare. Always. Wren is shit at it but will try so hard for you two. Darryl is the best, but sometimes they're too out of it to preform aftercare. Naps and cuddling are common, with whoever wakes up, or gets the energy to get up, first bringing food, water, and maybe some baby wipes back to bed for the others.

Of course, as with any poly relationship, there's a lot of talking. Especially about sex. Darryl has hard limits and Wren likes to push boundaries. Wren wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt Darryl, but Wren doesn't always think things through.

Uuuuh... some nsft stuff under cut...

Darryl walking into their apartment to find you squirming in Wren's lap on the sofa, Wren beckoning them to join.

You and Wren teaming up to overwhelm Darryl with pleasure. Just completely make their brain melt, praising them, making sure they know they're safe and loved.

You and Darryl surprising Wren. Waiting for the smuggler in Darryl's bed, tugging them in and pinning them down. Wren becoming an absolute mess as the you both tease them.

Of course, there are times when your lovers decide to focus all their attentions on you. Wren's light teasing and rough nature makes for a heady combination when paired with Darryl's gentle touch and near worshipping praise.

Wren sometimes will pull you into Darryl's office at the club for a quickie. It's not often, Darryl is always a little uneasy with public sex. But they admit, it's nice to watch you and Wren play. Especially with how you each give them a kiss and tell they they're free to join in if they want.

[lavendermin]

if all stars fell at once (4) | xiao

pairing | xiao/reader

word count | 3.1k

genre | fluff, light angst, developing relationship, overall domestic

warnings | light smut, eventual smut

Routine.

Defined as habitual tasks you partake in on a regular basis. These monotonous daily routines are what provided a grasp of control amid the uncontrollable and brought you order in a time of uncertainty.

The dawn of a new day started with the bittersweet greeting of the mourning doves’ songs. It gently tugged your consciousness forward, your weary limbs stretching out beneath warm covers. Your eyes would peek open and be greeted by the same dull room, bed tucked in a far corner. The sheets over old furniture still haunted you, the house inherited by past ghosts of memories.

It was a husk you resided in, perhaps a tomb you inherited. And as with every morning, you push the thought away.

A quick wash-up and breakfast helps kickstart your day before you’re off to run any errands listed off in your mind already. Fresh morning dew still glistens on the grass when you leave.

Days where errands would carry you to the harbor would have their own side routine you knew fairly well. Checking Bubu Pharmacy for any medicine pickups for the village elders, a quick chat with Ganyu as you passed her during one of her duties, a passing stop to the markets by the docks for supplies, and the occasional prolonged stay for lunch per the invitation of Zhongli and his courteous acquaintance. Every week, just like clockwork.

The busy day would wind down near the docks, watching the waves as they crashed upon rocks and taking in the scent of the sea spray that swept by you with it’s breeze. If you closed your eyes, the sounds of the sea and bustling voices of the harbor would meld together into one— a comforting cacophony of background noise to keep you grounded before the harbor’s relentless energy swept you away.

The city was a little much for you. It made you miss the tranquility of the small place you resided in tucked far back in the village.

And so everyday your heels pointed back towards home, ending with a meal in between more work you buried yourself in until odd hours of the night.

This was the routine you came to know with seldom any out-of-the-ordinary variation.

And then, curiously, slowly, the yaksha you came to befriend incorporated himself into the routine— first embedded into your routines and soon enough ever-present in your heart. Perhaps you could say that he altered your habits for the better.

Nowadays, leaving the harbor after errands is pleasant. No longer does the road back to Qingce isolate you into your thoughts. The sun that casts mesmerizing hues upon the sky as it sets leaves a pleasant warmth on your face. You look forward to his name on your tongue.

‘Xiao.’

The summon rings out clearly amidst his tumultuous headspace, bringing brief peace with the familiarity of the voice. In an instant he’s at your side, the ominous mist that enveloped him subsiding. There's a wordless question in his eyes as he shyly laces his fingers with yours.

With a light squeeze of his hand, you reply, “Let’s go home.”

There’s a pleasant silence that accompanies these walks, his hand firmly holding yours as if you might slip through his grasp at any given moment. On occasion, he would ask how your day went just to hear your voice. Though he wasn’t fond of the crowded hustle and bustle of the harbor, hearing your little enthusiastic retelling was enough to leave him with vivid imagery. Your voice was his comfort.

Arriving home has also taken on a newfound normalcy. With Xiao around, the once-empty house you inherited no longer feels foreign. Finally, with sure conviction, you can say it feels like your own.

Shelves that were once scarce with items and decor were now neatly arranged with ornaments and small handcrafts that Xiao has given you. The bookshelf that was once littered with dust and cobwebs is now rich with rows of books of all sorts. Even tables and bedside stands that were once empty are now always adorned with flowers that you and Xiao pick while out stargazing. These items are glimpses into the new pastimes you treasure to make time for.

Today was one such day where the breeze was pleasant as the sun tucked away for the night. However instead of being outside, you chose to take up comfort reading indoors. There on a pile of blankets and pillows you sat comfortably, Xiao resting his head on your lap to intently listen to you read aloud.

The adeptus reminded you of a cat that’s getting comfortable with a stranger they keep meeting. The spots he chose to rest on were getting much closer in proximity, but never directly on you. That is, until you boldly asked if he would like to rest on your lap and he settled there gratefully with your permission.

You closed the book, running your hand through his hair to get the yaksha to open one eye. “Are you sure you want to hear me read this poem book again? I’m sure you know it by heart at this point,” you pointed out with a laugh. “Why don’t you choose a book this time?”

There was a moment of contemplation before Xiao relented and went to search through the many book spines readily available. A glistening stone caught his attention again—his hand visibly hesitating for a moment.

You leaned your body over a bit from your comfortable pillow haven, curious as to what book he would select. Part of you expected him to select a random one off the bookcase, and was surprised to have a quaint little red book placed in your hands.

“I’ve been meaning to ask… about this one,” Xiao started, his face neutral but betrayed by the twinge of pink that was hidden by the dimness of the lamplight.

“This is…?”

He shrugged. “The subject of this book— is this something you like?”

Confused, you opened the cover. Inscribed on the inside in unmistakable cursive was a message from a certain librarian— a friend. Your brows creased, mouth pressed in a thin line as your eyes skimmed over the note the particular librarian left. A subtle feeling of dread crept over you.

‘Hey cutie, sent you a few goodies that were offloaded from our catalogue this season. Thought you might enjoy this one to spice things up a bit. I know how curious you were about the forbidden section, so here’s a little glimpse for you.’

Oh no… You quickly skimmed through some pages of the book that felt hot in your grip. Or perhaps it was your entire body flushed with embarrassment at the lewd imagery the story portrayed

“I–I didn’t… I d–didn’t know Lisa sent this along with the other books. This book— I haven’t read before so… um…” You anxiously bit your lip, voice growing quieter the more you went on. “I–It was a gift. I didn’t know.”

Xiao hummed, hand grazing your reddened cheeks curiously as you fanned your face. There was practically steam rolling off you.

“So,” Xiao started cautiously, “The things the book spoke of— it’s not something you like?”

If you were red before, you couldn’t possibly imagine how you looked now.

“N–No! I mean— Yes. I mean—!” You fumbled over your words, flustered over such an erotic novel unknowingly being in your possession.

“So, it makes you… happy?”

“Xiao— Stop, please— I’m going to die of embarrassment,” you squeaked into your hands.

His persistent curiosity would be the death of you at this rate. You buried your face under a pillow, too overwhelmed by the suggestive images still swirling in your head.

A little dumbfounded by your reaction, Xiao could only watch your huddled form hide away as he awkwardly rubbed your back in an attempt at reassurance.

The adeptus finally gained a bit of your attention, quietly inquiring, “Do you not wish to talk about that type of subject?”

The grip on your pillow slowly eased up, partially uncovering your face to meet his gaze. There wasn’t an ounce of discomfort on his face, and it was reassuring save for the fact that you were the one needing to explain.

“It’s not… that I don’t want to. Intimacy like— that—“ You pointed accusingly at the book now in his hands. “Is something, uhm, highly emotional— in a good way! Ah, what am I saying… It’s an act of love and bonding with a significant other, so to speak. Usually. Ah— it’s a little complicated.”

As you fumbled with your train of thought, his hand slowly placed itself over yours, thumb brushing over your knuckles. It drew your little state of panic to a close, feeling him press his lips to your forehead in a moment of soft distraction. It quickly brought a small thankful smile to your lips.

Kisses made you happy. This was a fact Xiao had learned.

“Let’s talk about it another time. Do not stress yourself over it.”

You nod timidly, choosing to hide your face in the crook of his neck. “...Okay.”

Xiao leaves not too long after, disappearing into the shadows to diligently tend to his duties. Sleep finds you quicker when he’s not around, though your mind is still tumultuous.

You had half a mind to go straight to Mondstadt and give Lisa a stern reprimand, not that she would care. If anything, it would fuel her amusement and her teasing would become more unbearable especially when your heart could barely handle Xiao boldly initiating displays of affection. That librarian was more perceptive than her languid facade let on.

For the time being you buried the cursed erotic book within cluttered closet boxes and called it a night.

Out of sight, out of mind.

—

A bead of sweat rolling down his temple caught a glimmer of the pale moon watching over him. Beasts that were affected by his karmic debt laid strewn across the battlefield. It weighed heavy on his mind, a distasteful reminder of increasing demonic activity with the Lantern Rite a few weeks away.

There was a light burning sensation that twinged Xiao’s calves and arms, and he rolled his shoulders to relieve his muscles from the fatigue of ceaseless combat. His tired muscles were just about ready to turn in for the night and make his way to Wangshu Inn.

But he paused. The voice tugged at his mind.

‘Xiao…’

There was no mistaking it. It was your voice.

The ache in his muscles was an issue for later. There was strain in your voice, evident discomfort. The reason was uncertain but as much as Xiao wanted to deny it, he was alarmed ever so slightly.

A blur of black mist was all it took and he was gone under the serene moonlight. When he found you, his guard was high with lingering confusion. An intruder was his first thought.

A quick walk around the house, footsteps lighter than the breeze that accompanied him. Nothing. No other presences detected either.

‘You called me, but why?’ Xiao questioned.

The bed gently dipped with quiet creaks where he sat next to you, brushing his thumb over your cheek. Your peaceful sleep was broken as your brows slightly furrowed, breathing slightly labored with small whimpers you let out.

“...X–Xiao,” you quietly whimpered amidst your sleep.

Ah, you had summoned him in your sleep then. How odd. It was a first, to say the least, but he couldn’t be upset with you.

‘Another nightmare…?’

Just how bad could a nightmare be that you would desperately call his name in your sleep, he wondered? But a promise was a promise. He was determined to rid you of your ailments if it was within his power.

The yaksha took in a deep breath, focusing himself fully before slowly exhaling a puff of dark mist. The aches in his body went ignored.

Dearest dream eater, won’t you save her?

—

The sound of his footsteps pacing a dark corridor— humid, stuffy as he pressed forward following the muffled sound of your voice. It’s something he will never forget though he feels he should.

To feel haunted by a dream’s fragments that refuse to vanish is something he should laugh at. It’s not real.

Then why?

Bits and pieces are burned into his memory. Perhaps in a torturously pleasant way he never really imagined. Blame it on him never finding someone he considered such private feelings with.

Xiao did not stay that night after consuming the dream, nor did he come back to check on you come morning as he usually did. On the tiled roof of Wangshu Inn he lays, brows furrowed and a strange warmth pooling throughout his lower torso.

The memory is unlike others that plague him, though it causes him inner turmoil with the increased bodily frustration.

Those eyes… haunt him. The smugness on the face that stared back at him then was enough to piss him off. The reasons festering in his tightened chest he couldn’t quite explain. The fragments would rewind and play, rewind and play, over and over since that night.

‘So,’ the familiar red stranger began with an amused smirk. ‘Looks like the yaksha really will answer any call of his name.’

They made it a point to maintain eye contact as they pressed their lips to your temple, arms holding your back flush against his chest.

Those piercing jade eyes— a mockingly similar exterior. It was like Xiao stared at a twisted reflection of himself conjured by your dream, the red accents in his hair and clothes a fiery scarlet akin to the bubbling anger he felt upon seeing the illusion lay its hands on you. The fact that they spoke in his same voice was enough to raise a rumbling growl within Xiao’s chest.

Quiet huffs left your parted lips as your chest heaved, a scarlet sash tied over your eyes like a blindfold.

‘Xiao, I–‘ Your body shivered at the feeling of his hands gliding over the inside of your thighs. It made you let out an involuntary whimper, cheeks aflame with arousal.

‘That’s enough,’ Xiao commanded the dream illusion of himself through gritted teeth.

The scarlet-hued Xiao shifted you in his lap, his lips set in a mocking smirk as his hand slipped between your legs to elicit sweet mewls from your parted lips. What Xiao wouldn’t give to conjure his spear then and there to wipe that irksome grin off his own face.

The illusion hummed, making it a point to place a kiss to the swell of your exposed chest. ‘Surely you don’t mean to ignore our person’s feelings? Or our own, for that matter. How crude of you, adeptus, to try and stop something she begged me for— something our body clearly begs for, as well.’

‘Quiet.’

The silence was deafening, though the illusion only seemed to stop momentarily out of amusement in seeing how long the real Xiao could uphold such a serious facade. Internally, he battles with two new emotions he hadn’t experienced before— jealousy and arousal. Somehow, because he could channel a warrior's rage through jealousy, the other warm feeling seemed to be drowned out. For now.

‘Silence me all you’d like. Deny your desires until you grow numb, for all I care. But for your human, these desires are your bond,’ the illusion persuaded, unbothered by the icy daggers Xiao glared through him. ‘Isn’t that right, my love?’

His fingers slowly working at the sweet, throbbing ache between your legs left you unable to form any coherent thoughts. Perhaps it was deliberate so your mind was elsewhere, drowning in a hazy pleasure. The gasps and mewls leaving your shaking body were slowly getting to the adeptus. Ironic, just how similar to that stupid book this was.

Xiao scoffed, and prepared himself to finish what he had sought out to do. ‘I don’t concern myself with desires. I’ve had enough of you.’

As Xiao unraveled and crumbled the dreamscape around him, the illusion remained smiling with sly intention.

‘Dishonesty will get you nowhere, Adeptus Xiao. She will be forced to forget this dream, but these feelings you both harbor cannot be erased so easily.’ The illusion lifted the ribbon from your eyes, leaving Xiao momentarily frozen.

Eyes are the windows to the soul, and what he saw in those misty eyes left his body aflame— confused. His tongue darts out to lick his lips, and he swallows thickly.

Once you get a taste, a dormant desire will begin to flourish.

The sly illusion holds their hand out invitingly, jade eyes unreadable as they scrutinize Xiao’s movements. It’s hesitant— the small step forward he takes.

‘What are you waiting for, adeptus?’

—

There’s a harsh gust of wind that blows through, the skies of Liyue harbor a dull grey with the rolling storm. The crashing sounds of waves upon the rocks below the docks resonate with your tempestuous heart. Weary eyes scan the horizon of the uneven sea, looking past the peaks of Guyun Stone Forest in the distance. You cling onto the hope of catching a glimpse of something— something to ease your worrisome heart.

“It’s been a few weeks,” you note quietly, the door of the balcony clicking shut as you walk back into the warm home office.

Yanfei answers without looking up, her hands still furiously scribbling on the parchments that have slowly accumulated into a towering pile. “He’s probably busy. With what exactly, I wouldn’t know— but I’m sure you have a better idea.” She sighs, regretting the coldness of her blunt tone. She adds in a softer tone, finally looking up, “Sorry, I’m not much help if it’s not consultation involving the law.”

The legal adviser can only watch helplessly as your eyes drift back to the window to gaze out beyond the sea’s horizon.

“He’s going to the Lantern Rite festivities with you, right?”

You turn back enough to meet her hopeful gaze with a sad smile. The silence is all the answer she needs.

“Was that a stupid question to ask?”

You shake your head, and turn your face back to the window so she can’t look further into the feelings you try to conceal.

The Lantern Rite was in a few days, and Xiao was nowhere to be seen. Though there've been occasions where you hardly saw him, this… this time was different. It was a feeling you couldn’t shake off and it filled you with uneasiness.

The thought of calling his name and receiving no answer terrified you. Doubt was quick to grip your mind in a vice.

“I think I’m the stupid one.”

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

Hi babes, so this life update is a downer, which is why I’ve been sitting on it for a while- I didn’t wanna rain on digi celebrations.  Before I go on, though: I am more or less fine.

Content warnings: discussion of dementia/hospitalization/nonspecific abuse/crappy American healthcare system/mental health stuff/all around bad sad times.

So I know I tend to be upfront with these life posts, but...  I feel like I can’t be for this one.  I’m going to be a bit vague.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that my father is abusive, and I went no contact with him at the earliest opportunity for my safety/mental health.  He’s been having health emergencies since I was a kid, and he never does what the doctors recommend after the hospitalizations.  I’ve been telling my mother for years that the hospitalizations will only become more frequent and dire as he ages, both because he is aging, and because the past problems will compound. 

Well, he had a dementia episode- my mother called it in, and emergency responders sent several professionals to intercede.  Again, it’s not really my story, so I won’t get into details, but it was frightening.  He’s been in the hospital for a bit, and they want to release him to my mother’s home- but they say he needs 24/7 care.  

In order for my mother to provide 24/7 care, she would have to never leave the house- ie, she can’t work or shop for groceries or go... anywhere.  And, again, the last dementia episode was frightening enough that they sent several people to help (and I’ve been afraid/tense around him my whole life, regardless).  Unfortunately, the healthcare system in my country is unequipped to deal with the sheer number of people who need this kind of care (and lack the funds to afford it).  I asked around, and folks said that they had to report about 6-9 instances of “dementia patient does something extreme enough that their caretaker has to call emergency services for help” before the patient was admitted to a care facility.  

In past similar situations, my therapist said that I need to hold onto my boundaries and refrain from emotionally responding/sympathizing to the point where my life and health are impacted.  This, of course, is no easy thing.  Anyone would worry about their parents- that’s true for me, too, even with the childhood I had.  But, she would say, I need to remember that they have been adults for over 50 years, and they are in charge of themselves. 

The trouble is that I was raised to be emotionally available and helpful to my parents.  Girls are commonly treated as the family caretakers in my country, even without the abusive stuff going on, but the “you exist to fulfill our expectations” vibe is common in abusive situations.  These health emergencies and the ensuing chaos tend to drag up so many awful memories, learned behaviors, and resentments.  I’m strongly considering contacting my therapist for a few check up appointments to address this.

There’s a lot going on in my life, too- disruptive work on my house and the company I work for running out of funding.  The mental/spiritual toll is becoming physical, which is a clear sign that I need to take some kind of action.  I guess that’s a few therapy sessions????  IDK???  I’m still figuring the action part out.

I went back and forth on bringing this up at all- like, isn’t it just a pile of downerness?  But...  Well, I can tell that I’ve been vulnerable/emotional/distracted/just not my normal self in all areas of my life, including with you guys on DM and in the camp digimonth discord.  So, if my behavior has come off as a little off or just overwhelmed...  I’m not saying you owe me a pass, but I am saying that I wasn’t, like, upset with you.  It was definitely me and my questionable emotional state x_x

Again, I’m trying to take care of myself now- but I’m also really struggling to figure out what that looks like, or how I can fit that into the crevices between work and basic stuff like...  You know, eating and sleeping.  

I’m wishing all of you the very best of everything, as always.  Take care!

[neohotline]

“I have daisies in my heart”

they bloom just for you”

-anonymous

Chapter 1- Part I : He loves me, He loves me not

⚘Pairing: Hyunjin x Female!reader

⚘Genre: Fluff, Slight angst, eventual smut

⚘Warnings: rated pg-16

⚘Word Count: 5.4k

⚘Summary: He loves me, he loves me not or She loves me, she loves me not (originally effeuiller la marguerite in French): a game of French origin, in which one person seeks to determine whether the object of their affection returns that affection.

“Wouldn’t hurt to try, I mean, it's just a game"

“He loves me”

Prologue is right here  ♡

⚘Disclaimer: Hey guys!!! Thank you for the support!we really appreciate it <3 This is the first part and we hope you guys enjoy it. Please don’t forget to give us feedback, we’d really appreciate it :D

© Please don’t repost, or share without credit

It all happened way too fast.

You could barely even begin to process when the feelings started developing. As hard as you tried your best to ignore him, you couldn't help but be overwhelmed by his mere existence alone. What can you say, you were entirely bewitched. But can we blame you?

Usually it’d was the little things he would do for you, like waking you up with the cutest pout on his face and you later surprising him with boba tea, not willing to admit you did it mostly because of the way his eyes lit up when you do.

Soothing and comforting you when you’re feeling overworked or him just being his silly little self to make you crack a smile for him. I mean come on this was more than enough to make you feel utterly defenseless. You're not a robot for god's sake, your heart had always been weak for cute boys with pretty smiles and, truthfully, you didn’t mind it that much.

It didn't.

As much as you prayed for it all to fade away like it usually does, it just got worse, immensely worse. You started noticing minor things about him, much to your dismay. Like the way if you looked close enough you’ll see that he had the cutest little mole under his eye and that he talks in his sleep, which used to freak you out back then but now it’s kinda endearing.

As much as you prayed for it all to fade away like it usually does, it just got worse, immensely worse. You started noticing minor things about him, much to your dismay. Like the way if you looked close enough you’ll see that he had the cutest little mole under his eye and that he talks in his sleep, which used to freak you out back then but now it’s kinda endearing.

The way he almost never fails to trip over himself when he laughs a bit too hard at one of Han’s jokes and also every time he tries to push his hair back from his face, there’s always a few strands that tend to fall back in his face and it never fails to make him look like a greek god.

It’s honestly embarrassing how insufferable all of these things become once they all start to pile up. You wished it’d be easy to ignore these things. You figured you’ll be fine if you just suffer in silence for the time being.

Of course you forgot about your two idiot friends, who would rather die than leave you alone. The moment those two found out, everything went to hell. They were constantly hounding you about your not-so subtle crush on the pretty boy.

Han and Sana were currently sprinting after you, begging you to plan some elaborate scheme to somehow magically get you two together. You know, as all friends do. You obviously ignored their attempt at being “matchmakers” multiple times, only later giving up for the promise of free coffee. You're a simple girl after all.

You were currently sandwiched between each of them, the cafe’s usual cozy atmosphere did nothing to help deter either of them. Although strangely enough, they haven’t even spoken a word about Hyunjin, instead they were just chatting about something else entirely, almost dancing around the topic, eyeing each other to see who’ll crack first. You wait patiently, rather amused by your friend's antics. Han cracks first.

“I didn’t take you for the type,” He teased, taking a sip of his water. “Thought you’d be more into a dark and mysterious type of guy, not a locally well known instagram model.” He snorted, clearly entertained by the way his typically level-headed friend automatically stiffened at the mere mention of the boy.

“Well,” you ponder, taking a sip of your tea, “I didn’t think so either.” You shrugged, you knew fully well that he was a little more on the popular side, unfortunately it wasn’t enough to completely suppress the crush you have for the boy.

“Yet here we are,” Sana added playfully, “Okay so, back to business, what now?” her eyes going back and forth between the both of them.

“Alright, I was thinking of a romantic picnic at the beach,” He suggested, dramatically gesturing across the table, “Maybe a nice candlelit dinner to set the mood, if you know what I mean.” He teased, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Ew, no, that’s exactly what we’re not gonna do,” Sana cringed, “I want it to be effortless, like “two lost souls not knowing what love meant till they found each other" type of thing, ya know.” She added, falling theatrically against the chair.

It went on like this for a good hour, or so, before they finally agreed to just leave it for now, their usually synced brains not coöperating for some reason. You finally relaxed against your chair, at least they’ll be out of your hair for now. The conversation eventually switched to something a little more entertaining, after a half hour, all of them decided it was best to go home, since the cafe was close to closing by now.

After a few days the group decided to go skating, which you agreed to, since Han’s constantly talking about going on a trip like this for weeks now. The next evening they all took Han’s car and drove to the skating rink just a little outside of town. The drive took about at least 20 minutes, when they stepped out it looked as lively as one would hope. Kids running around and throwing snowballs, a bunch of families and couples strolling around probably going about their day.

Eventually you all entered the building. Once you approached the front desk, Sana suddenly spoke up, causing the whole group to look back.

“Oh my god, I-I think I forgot my phone,” She panicked, hands feeling up her pockets, “Shit, I think I left it on the counter.” She hissed, hands running through her hair.

“Okay, I’ll take you back.” Han proposed, already searching for the keys, both of them already scrambling to go back to the car, while you and Hyunjin stared at them.

Wait. The cogs in your head started to move faster, if they were going to leave, that meant that you and Hyunjin were going to be alone and we can’t have that. The last thing you need is to be alone with him right now. The thought of it just screams disaster honestly, you might make a fool of yourself or worse. You had to think of something quick but before you could come up with some type of excuse-

“It’s alright, you guys go, y/n and I will go on ahead.” Hyunjin assured, waving them off, already heading towards the front desk to rent the skates.

“Thanks a bunch guys, we’ll be back before you know it.” Sana hurried, grabbing Han’s arm and dashed out the entrance. When the car sped off, Hyunjin spoke up again.

“You don’t think they did it on purpose do you?” He joked half-heartedly, eyes dancing with childlike mischief. You two stared at each other for a minute, before bursting out with laughter, almost toppling over one another.

“Yeah, no, that would be crazy.” You wheezed, holding your aching side, before it dawned on you that no, it wouldn’t be that far-fetched knowing them. Already mentally preparing the lecture for when you get back home.

“Yeah, it’s not that I wouldn’t mind or anything.” He replied casually, before sauntering off, looking immensely pleased with himself and grabbed the skates on the counter, leaving you behind stunned. You desperately tried to calm the bundle of nerves in the pit of your stomach.

He handed you your skates, as he proceeded to skillfully put them on himself and tie them up. You sat beside him, observing him before carefully trying to put those hazardous things on your feet.

Although they weren’t too difficult to put on, Hyunjin eased down to the ground either way to help you out of pity. He gently moved your feet onto his lap to expertly slip the shoes on with ease. You couldn’t help but stare at the boy, his usually swept back hair was now styled gracefully, a few stray strands framing his features rather delicately. His clothes switched from it’s usual dark tone to a more softer one. Today it seems that he went for a more gentle approach, making the boy look even more beautiful than before.

You couldn’t take your eyes off of him, his deft fingers who were peeking out from under his sweater were working nimbly against the rough-looking laces. When people suddenly started to look your way, eyeing the boy in front of you, probably recognizing him from his account, you shooed him, trying to finish up the last shoe on your own. Hyunjin, although confused, stepped away nonetheless. You released a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. Any closer and you wouldn’t have been able to breathe.

Once you were done, you realized something. You have never skated before in your life.

Never having any reason to do so before, you thought you'd just wing it for the most part, mostly counting on Sana to try and teach you how to properly skate. But now, with her being gone, you didn’t know what to do exactly.

You could ask Hyunjin, seeing that he probably knew what he was doing, but still, you couldn’t risk possibly embarrassing yourself like that in front of him. Maybe you'll just wait for Sana to come back or something. Going back and forth between both options, you dialed her number, making it ring a few times but no one picked up. Great, just when you needed her to answer, she didn’t.

Hyunjin, being the perceptive boy that he is, seeing your slight fidgeting from a mile away, picked up on your fairly well hidden anxiety and plucked you from your seat, wrapping your arm around his shoulders for support. The two of you struggled towards the opening of the rink, muffled laughter and side glances between the two of you could be heard.

Hyunjin guided you to the middle of the rink, “Woah, what are we doing?” You stammered, gripping his bicep tightly, barely noticing the almost nonexistent space between the both of you.

“Don’t worry, I got you.” He chuckled, voice reassuring you enough to help you calm down a bit. He tried to steady your wobbly figure, distancing his body a little bit from yours. You looked as graceless as a newborn fawn, with trembling eyes you followed his every move. He tried hard not to laugh at the cute image.

He made sure you didn't fall over by holding you by the waist. While trying to balance yourself and after finally getting the hang of it with Hyunjin's help, you still somehow manage to trip over your own legs, colliding with Hyunjin causing him to fall as well.

With Hyunjin breaking your fall, you noticed the position you two were in, you laid in between his legs, faces within close proximity to one another. His cold breath fanned your face and you could make out his mole under his left eye, he then licked his lips, eyes scanning your face until they landed on your mouth. You followed his gaze, noticing where his eyes landed and proceeded to hold your breath. For what, you’re not sure yet.

What is going on?

The moment was rudely interrupted by an elderly woman asking if they were alright. No, actually, I’m not alright grandma.

The both of you scrambled off each other, as you struggled to stand on your own he couldn’t help but laugh at you before eventually helping you out, your bodies pressing flush against each other, with your face squished against his chest you tried not to panic and quickly propped yourself up. You could faintly hear a soothing melody in the background. Barely registering anything, the heat of his skin on yours making you feel unsteady.

Slightly pushing yourself away from him, his clammy hands timidly reach out to take yours, he casts an unsure glance before carefully leading you. You felt your heart race with each step that you took. Hand in hand you two skated carefully across the rink, you built up the courage to finally take a good look at him again.

The corners of his mouth were slightly upturned, his soft eyes gleaming with energy. Almost as if sensing your gaze, you locked eyes and never had he looked at you with such - tenderness, before he swiftly averted his gaze.

Is he happy? With you?

Even a fool knows this

You're the best thing I've got

Once again towards you

One more step, I will never stop

I shouldn't run away.

With the help of Hyunjin you were able to stabilise after a while. He wanted to show off his skills, so he made sure there was enough space between you and effortlessly did a make-shift pirouette, landing oh-so gracefully on the ice. A few people who were ogling the boy gushed over his impressive stunt, making you roll your eyes playfully at the display. He giggled shyly, not used to the extra attention, he then glided back to you and picked you up by the waist, your feet dangling at least twenty centimeters from the ground, causing you to yelp.

“Let me down you weirdo." You shrieked, writhing against his tight hold.

Ignoring your protest, he does a small stunt, twirling you around while making sure you don't fall. You held onto him tightly, clinging on for dear life, he let out a small giggle at the sight before him. The two of you joyfully laughed like mad men, before you continued skating, pinkies linked, for who knows how long. After an hour or so, you wanted to warm up a little, the cold already biting at your cheeks.

"You wanna take a quick break?" Hyunjin offered, warming up his hands. His cheeks were already flushed because of the temperature, making him look like a puppy. Your heart ached at the sight.

"Yeah, I'd like that." You replied fondly.

There was a small hot chocolate stand outside the building, Hyunjin grabbed your hand, leading you to it. His hands were warm, soft even, and significantly bigger than your own but somehow managed to fit almost perfectly in yours.

While waiting for your hot chocolate, you noticed that he still didn't let go of your hand, which didn’t stop the quickening heartbeat against your ribcage, but you ignored it as much as your mind would allow it.

After a while your other hand started to get a bit too cold, wanting to warm them up, you tried to wiggle out of his grasp. Noticing your shivering figure, he quickly reacted by taking both of your hands and clasping them together to blow on them. You could feel the blood rushing to your cheeks, trying to process his actions. He rubbed them together until he was satisfied with it, “Is this better?” He mumbled, the sincerity in his voice did little to get rid of the butterflies in your stomach. He eyed you through heavy-lidded eyes, almost waiting for some kind of reaction. Plush lips forming a slight pout, his eyes bore into yours making you feel small.

Does he know what he’s doing to you? You’re not sure how much more of this you can take.

Thankfully you were interrupted by the shop-owner, meaning that the hot chocolate was probably done. After you two found a place to sit, you took in your surroundings. Many families had already left the area, probably warming up in their homes, leaving only a few couples behind. The setting looked incredibly serene and it was also extremely quiet, you both felt relaxed in each other's presence. You looked at the stars, taking it all in and took a deep breath.

“It's nice out here." He exclaimed, shoulders relaxing against the bench. “Yeah, it's really peaceful, I like it." You agreed, taking a sip of your hot chocolate. It’s actually really comfortable being here with him.

"You’re really cute, ya know." He mused nonchalantly, making you almost choke on your drink, eyes bulging out of your skull, nearly having a coughing fit. “Hey, are you okay?” He snickered deviously, patting your back, making sure you don't die because of him.

“I’m good, I’m good.” You dismissed him, face heating up from embarrassment- can’t you catch a break. You cleaned up some of the hot cacao that spilled on you with a napkin.

Luckily, you didn’t make too much of a mess, although out of the corner of your eye you saw his hand reach out towards you. “You got a little something-” before you could properly react, he gently held your chin and wiped your upper lip, his brows furrowed in concentration, your faces mere inches from one another. You didn’t know what to do, brain malfunctioning, making your entire body go rigid.

He then proceeded to shamelessly lick off the excess moisture, dark eyes glinting with something indecipherable. You swallowed, eyes following the action, feeling something stir deep within you. You felt way out of your depth, not believing you’re even in this situation right now.

You two stared at each other for what felt like eternity before he started to lean in, still holding your face in his hand. You held your breath, mind running a hundred miles per minute, quickly shutting your eyes in anticipation.

“Do I make you nervous y/n?” He purred, knowing damn well the effect he has on you.

It didn’t start until a couple weeks ago actually, there were many instances where he caught you staring, gaze lingering a bit too long for his liking. At first he didn't really pay any attention to it, but more peculiar things started happening after that, for example your voice would change to an unusual shaky one or it’d start cracking a lot more whenever he would talk to you, which he found hilarious at first but he soon started to look forward to making you nervous. I mean he can’t say he didn’t enjoy it.

On the contrary, this made him want to observe you a little bit more, out of curiosity, of course. He’d pay attention to how you would react when he would approach you a certain way. Whenever he would inch a little too close, you'd get all clumsy and turn unusually quiet, or the moment he’d enter the room, you'd try to make an excuse to leave the next second.

He didn’t immediately assume anything bad at first, but it kept on happening. Now that he thinks about it, this was actually the most time you had spent with him for the past few days. Initially, he thought he might've overstepped some boundaries, maybe scaring you away with his personality or something. However after piecing everything together, he thinks he might’ve come to a definite conclusion.

You like him.

He likes that.

It didn’t make that much of a difference whether other girls liked him or not, to be honest, he barely even remembers let alone knows any of them to any extent. The boy lost count by the time he turned 18, but this, this was different, way different. Had he dismissed your entire existence, he would’ve missed the absolute beauty that was you. You are a bit too innocent for your own good, and god, he’d be damned if he didn’t want to take advantage of that.

Now with this newfound purpose, he closed the small gap between the two of you, lips hovering over yours, eyes searching your face for any kind of uncertainty. You didn’t give any sign to stop, eyes still endearingly clenched shut. Fuck, you’re so cute.

He wasted no time and eventually dove in, pretty lips capturing yours in a tender kiss, your lashes fluttering, warmth spreading throughout every part of your body, melting against him. It was soft and slow, and entirely too dizzying for your dumb brain to make sense of. His hands were trailing all over your body closing the distance between you even more.

He was an intoxicating mix of his shampoo and cologne, engulfing you, making you feel lightheaded. All you could focus on was him, him, him. He maneuvered your body to make you comfortably sit on his thigh, so that he could get a better angle. Tasting faint traces of your hot chocolate, he deepened the kiss, tongue slipping past your lips savoring it, your lips move in perfect sync and you kissed for what felt like ages, only separating when the need to breathe was getting harder to ignore.

When you guys pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours, your breaths mingling for a bit, eyes filled with warmth. It felt like you two were the only people there, underneath the dark sky, where your only audience were the stars.

You can’t believe what just happened, every inch of your being was singing with joy, you bit your lip, already missing the press of his lips on yours. As if he knew what you were thinking, he gave you a quick peck, you felt him smile into the kiss, then immediately bursting into a fit of giggles thereafter. You wouldn’t mind freezing to death if only to hear him laugh one last time. In fact, you wouldn’t trade this for the world.

[scripttorture]

One of the central characters in a fantasy story I'm writing has torture as part of her backstory. She was captured by an evil race, and one individual in particular put her through a "training" regime designed to turn her into a useful/trustworthy slave. Specifically the goals of the training were:

- destroy her sense of self / agency

- overwrite her ingrained response of healing herself when injured (she has magical healing powers)

- an affectionate or worshipful disposition towards her captors

- immediate obedience to any command

I feel like both physical and psychological torture / mental conditioning are probably appropriate, though I'm leaning away from including sexual abuse. I honestly don't know much about torture at all and the only things that come to mind as producing a result similar to what I'm looking for are the Game of Thrones torture sequence and the use of obdience collars in the Codex Alera book series. The latter is very interesting to me because it is a magical device that inflicts pain in reaction to disobedience but also inflicts pleasure to reward obedience.

I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice for what kinds of methods would be good to include in a process designed to produce obedience, rather than torture for its own sake or to extract information, as well as if there are any common pitfalls I should try to avoid in writing about such a thing.

The training itself won't be in the book, but I need to be familiar with it for backstory purposes because later in the story this character encounters her torturer again, and is subjected to some further abuse before she finally overcomes her fear and kills him.

Alright well I’m going to be straight up with you: the scenario you’ve presented is a very common torture apologist trope. It’s incredibly unrealistic. And it’s unrealistic in ways that support torture by claiming it can be ‘useful’.

 Which probably means that you’re new to the blog and haven’t heard me give this talk before. That’s OK, we all learn sometime and it’s not my intention to shame you for the fact you’re not as obsessed with this stuff as I am or couldn’t afford to shell out for the books.

 Torture does not produce obedience. The best evidence we have right now suggests it encourages active resistance.

 If you got a lot of your inspiration from Game of Thrones then frankly I’m not surprised you came up with apologia. The torture in that series is incredibly badly handled. And a big part of the point of running this blog is that most people are getting their information on torture from shows like that. Which happens because the research is inaccessible and hasn’t been popularised the way fictional tropes (sometimes fictional tropes literally started by torturers) have been popularised.

 The important thing is what you choose to do now.

 I’m going to break down the problems here and make some suggestions for what you could do instead.

 Firstly: there is no torture or abuse that will guarantee obedience. Pain does not make people meek or compliant or willing to follow commands.

 Torture survivors are not broken.

 They are not ‘controlled’ by their torturers and the suggestion that they are is used in the real world to bar real survivors from treatment. It is also used to bar them from entering safe countries and to argue that they shouldn’t be allowed visas or passports.

 The best statistics we have for any sort of compliance under torture come from analysis of historical French data where torture was used to try and force confessions (something we know torture can sometimes do).

 The ‘success’ rate averaged at 10%. Under torture 90% of people will not comply long enough to sign their name.

 Secondly: torture does not and can not ‘make’ a victim feel ‘worshipful’ towards their torturer. The suggestion is kind of like asking if someone can tap dance immediately after removing the bones from their legs.

 Torturers have no control over a victim’s emotions. They have no control over their symptoms. They have no control over their beliefs.

 And there is no such thing as a torture that can change someone’s mind in a way torturers can control.

 Once again, this fictional trope is used by politicians and the media to justify marginalising real torture survivors.

 I have read hundreds, possibly thousands, of accounts from torture survivors. I’ve read historic and modern accounts. I’ve read accounts from all sort of people from all over the globe. I have never seen a survivor say anything positive about their torturers. I have never seen anything close to toleration.

 A lot of survivors are blisteringly angry at their torturers. A lot of them feel overwhelming levels of spite and some report literally putting themselves at risk of death in order to spite their torturers. And yes, a lot of them are afraid too. None of these emotions are mutually exclusive.

 Affection is impossible. We are not wired that way.

 Thirdly: I understand that ‘evil races’ are a long standing fantasy trope but it would be remiss of me if I didn’t mention the racism inherent in that idea. That some people are ‘born bad’.

 I’d strongly suggest you look up the Black, Indian and First Nations people that I know are on this site critiquing these kinds of fantasy tropes. Because they will be able to explain it better then I can.

 Fourthly: the term ‘psychological torture’ is a pretty common dog whistle for torture apologia.

 Most of the time tortures that people dub ‘psychological’ are things with real, physical effects that lead to lasting injury and death. They just don’t tend to leave obvious external scars. I use Rejali’s term ‘clean torture’ for these techniques. Researchers distinguish them from scarring tortures because they are harder to detect and prove in court.

 The majority of survivors today will have experienced clean torture. They will have no obvious physical scars. But they will still be disabled. They’re ‘just’ less likely to see any form of justice for it.

 Fifthly: torture is a terrible training method because it decreases a person’s ability to learn.

 Torture causes memory problems. It also often causes lasting physical injuries that make performing basic tasks more difficult. And it causes a lot of serious psychological problems which make performing basic tasks more difficult.

 A trained person who was never tortured will always out perform someone whose training involved torture.

 I probably sound quite angry here.

 I write fantasy and I also write about torture a lot. But I can’t imagine that it’s just flavour for a fantasy world or some artefact of the past. Torture is a real, present threat in the country that I grew up in. If I was to return now I could, literally, be tortured and executed.

 If you want to include torture in your world, in your story then you are committing to telling someone else’s story. You are representing an incredibly marginalised group of people and you are presenting that representation to a third group, one that has never had contact with real torture survivors.

 Are you comfortable with the idea of telling your peers that survivors are still controlled by ‘the enemy’? That they’re passive? That they don’t have the capacity to make their own decisions?

 Are you comfortable knowing that the popularity of this message keeps millions of genocide survivors in refugee camps, blocked from citizenship, aid and safety?

 I understand feeling attached to a story and a character. And I understand that this information is hard to find. Hell I’m probably going to end up with the only English copy of one of the pivotal textbooks because I’m shelling out to get it translated.

 You say you want to write a torture survivor. With respect I don’t think you know what a torture survivor looks like.

 I think the most helpful, and kindest, thing I can do here is describe what torture does to people. Because I can’t tell you whether that’s something you want to write. I could try and rebuild this scenario for you (and if you decide you’re interested in that after reading all of this and all the links then I suggest looking through the blog tags for ICURE, torture as training, Black Widow and Overwatch.) But I think you need to decide whether you actually want to write a torture survivor first.

 Here’s a post on the most common torture apologia tropes.

 Here’s the post on the types of memory problems torture commonly causes. I strongly recommend picking at least one.

 Remember that this would never go away. Improvement and recovery in torture survivors means learning to live with symptoms. The symptoms themselves are permanent.

 It’s a hundred different alarms set up on their phone to try and make up for the forgetfulness that makes them miss appointments. It’s the little bottle of perfume in their pocket to bring themselves back to reality when they get intrusive memories at work.

 Here’s a post on the other common symptoms.

 You want something in the range of 3-5 of those, though more are likely if your character is held for years. Each of them should be severe. Every single symptom should have a large, negative, impact on the character’s daily life.

 Do you know anyone with chronic pain? It warps their world. Work can become impossible. Basic household tasks like getting dressed, cooking, cleaning the dishes are done through gritted teeth or not at all. Hobbies and ‘fun’ activities dwindle as they struggle to find a way to do them that doesn’t hurt. Interaction with other people, even loved ones, can easily become barbed.

 Because the pain makes everything more difficult. It means everything takes more energy, more effort. Which means that things fall by the wayside, whether that’s by a pile of mouldering dishes in the sink or snapping at a child. It means tears and the social judgement that follows them. It means the world narrowing as it gets harder to go out.

 Do you see what I mean? Every part of life.

 That’s an example for one symptom. You need to work out at least four. Then figure out how they interact. Then figure out what the character can do to make her life better.

 With chronic pain that can mean painkillers but it’s always more then that. It’s re-learning how to do things; how to put on trousers without aggravating the bad knee, how to sew with one hand. It means learning to cut down on what they do and it means learning a new sort of flexibility; accepting that there are days when the pain is too much.

 It can mean having the same conversation about disability over and over again. With family, with friends, with colleagues. ‘I can’t do that.’ ‘I can do that sometimes but not always.’ ‘That will hurt me.’ ‘I can’t use that chair.’ ‘I can’t get my arms that high above my shoulders.’ ‘I need help with this.’

 And that sometimes means learning a kind of patience that is really barely held back rage. Or perhaps I’m projecting a little with this last one.

 If you’ve never met a torture survivor, if you’ve never looked at a survivor’s work, then all this is difficult. You’re trying to imagine something from first principals with nothing to fall back on.

 So let’s bring some survivors into the discussion here. Some reality.

 Who’s listened to Fela? How about Bobi Wine?

 Fela Kuti was the father of modern Afro beats music. He was tortured multiple times and during one attack, which destroyed his home, his mother was murdered by the military. When he got out of jail Fela marched her funeral procession past the biggest barracks in Nigeria’s biggest city. He wrote two songs about this attack and he doubled down on his opposition to the military government.

 Fela’s music started causing riots.

 You can read what I have to say about him here. You can listen to his music on youtube.

 Here’s an interview with Bobi Wine, which was conducted shortly after he was tortured in Uganda. He talked about how he was determined to go back and continue fighting. Which he did. He even ran against the president.

 I’ve also got a short piece on Searle who was a cartoonist captured by the Japanese during World War 2. His drawings of what happened in To the Kwai and Back are worth seeing. Especially if you want to write atrocities on this scale. They will show you the scale and how to focus on the small, human elements despite that overwhelming scale.

 Alleg’s The Question is pretty much a must, it’s one of the most thorough accounts from the Franco-Algerian war.

 Monroe’s A Darkling Plain is also a must, it’s a series of interviews with survivors of various different conflicts and atrocities. Some are torture survivors. Some are not. It is essential reading because it shows the variety in survivors as well as giving a sense of their lives beyond the symptoms.

 Finally Amnesty International has literally hundreds of interviews and studies available for free online.

 The most important decision for any story with regards to torture is whether it should be there at all.

 So much of this topic is intimidating and so much of it is difficult to write. Not just in the ‘oh this is horribly effecting’ sense but in the ‘I have twelve things to juggle in this simple scene’ sense.

 Ask yourself what torture adds to this character and this story. What does this backstory actually give this character?

 Because if the point is to have her vulnerable and then ultimately triumphing violently over her attackers I don’t think you want a torture scenario. You could get the same thing from a bad guy trying to drug her and having the kidnapping fail when she fights him off, clumsy but effective nonetheless.

 And she could still come out of something like that traumatised.

 Right now I really don’t see this adding anything but torture apologia to your story.

 Handling torture well in a story means accepting that it can’t be the same story without it. It means watching the characters and narrative warp under the weight of it. It means lasting effects, for all the characters and for the world itself.

 I believe you are capable of writing that if you want to, pet. But this ain’t it.

Edit: I’m having trouble seeing the beginning of the answer here. Can anyone let me know if there are formatting issues again please? The first word in the htmal is ‘Alright’ but what I’m seeing on tumblr starts 8 paragraphs in.

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Disclaimer

[lumosandnoxwriting]

Snuggles and Sacrifices - Fred Weasley

Title: Snuggles and Sacrifices Pairing: Fred x fem!reader Summary: Reader isn’t going to let anything get in the way of her dreams, as silly as they may be A/N: for the anon who wanted a fic where Fred and the reader go to adopt a cat and the reader has an allergy attack! It’s a little short but very sweet! Feedback is always welcome, and requests are open!

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“Hi love,” Fred greets softly as he leans against the doorway to his and Y/N’s bedroom.

Y/N looks up from the book in her lap, giving her boyfriend a warm smile. Her smile falters a little as she takes in his appearance. His tie has been loosened and the first few buttons of his shirt are undone. There are bags under his eyes and his hair is messy, something he tends to do when he’s frustrated. He and George have been working extra-long hours at the store in the lead up to start of term at Hogwarts. He’s often gone in the morning before Y/N wakes up and he doesn’t arrive back home until she’s already eaten dinner.

“Come here, love,” she beckons, waving her wand so the books that had been sprawled out on their bed put themselves in a stack on their dresser. Fred immediately plops down on the bed, lying on his back with his head in Y/N’s lap so he can look at her. She places a light kiss to his lips and starts to run her hand through his hair.

“Mmm, feels good,” Fred sighs. His eyes close as he feels all the stress melt away from his body. The shop is no doubt one of the best things that happened to him, but he must admit that it’s hard work a lot of the time and a major cause of his stress. But returning home to Y/N always makes him feel better, and she is no doubt the best thing that ever happened to him.

Y/N scratches at Fred’s scalp lightly as her fingers run through his long hair. Molly has been begging him to get a haircut for weeks and Fred keeps saying he will once things with the shop slow down, but Y/N knows that he secretly keeps it long because she prefers it that way. “Long day?” she asks when Fred sighs.

Fred nods, opening his eyes so he can look at Y/N. “The longest. I wanted to leave after closing but there was a never-ending list of things to do. Every time I tried to sneak out it there was something else that we needed to do. I think the universe is trying to keep us apart my dear.”

Y/N laughs at Fred’s dramatics, leaning forward to kiss him again. “I don’t think it’s that serious, Freddie. You’re busy, I get it. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy while you’re gone,” she says, gesturing towards the large pile of books on their dresser.

After the war Y/N had decided to become a Healer, partially due to all the time she spent at St. Mungo’s with Fred after his brush with death. It destroyed her that there was nothing she could do to help him recover and as she watched the Healers work on Fred and the other patients it inspired her to do the same thing. She enrolled in the training program once Fred was back on his feet and now 2 years later all that stands in her way of becoming a full Healer is her final certification exam. It’s scheduled for the last week of October and Y/N has spent every waking minute preparing.

“I know,” Fred says with another sigh. “But I still feel bad. You’re here alone all day. You wake up alone, you eat alone. We moved in together so we could spend more time together, but it feels like I see you less than I did before.”

“You know it does get kind of lonely around here,” Y/N muses with a grin. “But I think I know something that we could do to make it less lonely,” she trails off, looking down at Fred expectantly.

Fred rolls his eyes and sits up, situating himself so he can look at Y/N. “No, Y/N we talked about this,” Fred scolds lightly. “We’re both way too busy right now to even entertain the idea.”

Y/N pouts at Fred and pushes his face away when he tries to kiss it away. “Come on, Freddie, please? It’s actually the perfect time! I’m still going to be home for the next few months, and by that time the shop won’t be as busy. It’s perfect.”

“I just don’t think it’s the right time for us to get a cat, love,” Fred says softly.

Y/N sticks out her bottom lip as she gets on her knees, her hands coming together in front of her like she’s praying. “Please, Freddie,” she begs while using her sweetest voice. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted in life.”

And she isn’t lying. Ever since she was a little girl all Y/N ever wanted was a cat. She’s not particularly sure why, but every year for her birthday she would ask for the same thing, a little black kitten. She would constantly beg her parents for one, but they always said no. And as much as she hated to admit it, they had a pretty good reason. Both Y/N and her mother are fairly allergic to cats.

Despite the sneeze fit she gets every time she’s around a cat, Y/N never let that stop her from yearning for one. It made going to Hogwarts quite difficult, especially after Hermione adopted Crookshanks. Cat hair was all over the common room and Hermione’s cat was always slinking about. Y/N could have told everyone about her allergies and Hermione could have kept Crookshanks in her dorm, but Y/N loved the fact that the orange kneazle was always around and cuddling up to anyone who would allow it. No matter how badly he irritated her nose she kept seeking him out, hiding her sneezes from all of her friends. She had gotten quite good at it too.

Y/N first brought up the idea of getting a cat when she and Fred moved in together 5 months ago. Y/N had been living in an apartment with a few of her friends from school and Fred was living with George and Angelina above the joke shop. Both places were far too crowded for them to get any alone time, so they decided to just go for it and get a place together. Y/N had figured it would be the perfect time to get a cat but Fred and vetoed it, saying that they were both too busy to be able to take care of a pet.

Fred sighs, unable to resist Y/N’s please. “I’ll think about it. Alright?”

Y/N squeals and wraps her arms around Fred’s neck, hugging him tightly. “You’re the best!” She pulls away to press kisses all over Fred’s face, a plan already forming in her head.

-

Sunday’s are usually reserved for family days at The Burrow.  Everyone spends the day hanging out and decompressing from the work week and Molly prepares an amazing dinner. Y/N looks forward to it every week, but this week she convinced Fred that they should skip out so they could spend the day alone together instead. Fred had agreed immediately, and Y/N could put her plan into action.

“It’s so nice, isn’t it? Just spending the day alone together,” Y/N says. Her and Fred are walking around muggle London, their hands intertwined and softly swinging back and forth between them. They’ve just left Y/N’s favorite muggle café after having lunch, and she suggested that they take a walk before heading back to their flat.

“It is, love. I’ve missed this. Just us, being us,” Fred muses, bringing their hands up so he can press a kiss to the back of Y/N’s hand. “Although I can assure you I don’t miss my weekly lecture about my hair.” They both laugh as Fred shakes his head, tousling his long locks.

They walk in silence for a few moments, just enjoying being with the other. Y/N almost feels bad that she’s using this opportunity to trick Fred, but as they approach their final destination, those feelings start to get replaced with excitement. They’re standing at a corner, waiting for their turn to cross when Y/N turns to look at Fred.

“I feel like you haven’t kissed me enough today,” she says, her lips turning into a pout.

Fred laughs and immediately leans down to kiss her softy. “I’m sorry, love. Let me fix that.” He kisses her again, lingering for a moment.

When he pulls away Y/N smiles at him and decides it’s time to enact her plan. She lets her gaze move from Fred’s face to something just behind him. “Oh, look!” she says excitedly, directing his attention to the storefront behind him.

“Oh no. No, no, no, no, no,” Fred says when he turns around to see what Y/N is pointing to.

They’re standing just in front of a muggle animal shelter. Fred looks down at Y/N’s excited face, frowning. “I said I think about it, Y/N. And I’m still thinking.”

Y/N gives Fred her best innocent look. “I know, I know. But there’s no harm in just looking, right?” She grins up at Fred as she starts to drag him towards the entrance.

-

They’ve only been in the kitten enclosure for a minute when Y/N can start to feel the familiar tingle she gets behind her nose whenever she’s around a cat. But she knows that seeing a kitten will break Fred down and she can’t give up now that her dream is about to be realized. She scrunches up her nose to get rid of the feeling and makes a beeline towards the only black kitten in the room.

“Aw Freddie. Come look at how cute this one is,” Y/N coos as she gently scoops the kitten up. It’s just a bit bigger than the size of her palm and is blinking up at her with large yellow eyes. She resists the urge to nuzzle into its’ soft fur, knowing that it will put her over the edge.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cute,” he mumbles as he comes up behind Y/N, trying to seem disinterested. He reaches a finger out and slowly strokes the kittens head. Any faux toughness he had dissolves as the kitten starts to purr. “I thought we were just supposed to be looking,” he teases lightly.

Y/N smiles up at Fred. She can see the happiness in his eyes and knows that they’re going to be leaving there with a kitten. “We are looking. We’re just looking with our hands,” she responds playfully. Y/N is suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to sneeze and she holds the kitten out to Fred, needing to get away from it as quick as possible. “Here love, hold him.”

Fred takes the kitten from Y/N, eyeing her warily. “Are you alright, love?”

Y/N’s face has screwed up and she is desperately trying to blink away the sneeze she feels building. She tries to nod, thinking of some excuse for her weird behavior when she can no longer hold it in. “Achoo!” Y/N sneezes loudly, scaring the tiny kitten in Fred’s hands.

She hopes to play it off as some dust in her nose, but once she’s started she can’t stop. She sneezes a few times in succession, her eyes starting to water from the force. Unable to contain it anymore, Y/N tiptoes around the kittens that are crawling along the floor, heading towards the exit.

Fred meets her outside of the kitten enclosure a few moments later and she waves away his look of concern. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“What the hell was that in there?” he asks, coming up and wrapping his arms around Y/N’s waist. “Thought you were gonna sneeze your brain out or something,” he chuckles.

“No that was just an. Um. Allergy attack,” she admits sheepishly, burying her face in his chest.

Fred starts to rub her back. “An allergy attack?” he asks, his confusion evident in his voice. “You’re allergic to cats?”

Y/N nods sadly, pulling her face out of Fred’s chest so she can look up at him. “Yeah, unfortunately. Mum is too.”

“Then why in the hell do you want a cat?” Fred asks with a laugh, completely confused by Y/N.

“I don’t know, I’ve just always wanted one. They seem pretty cool,” she explains with a shrug. Y/N leans up to press a kiss to Fred’s cheek and then untangles from his embrace. “Come on let’s go, I wanna see if we can adopt that little black kitten. He was so sweet!”

Fred grabs Y/N’s wrist to stop her. “Um, what are you doing? Did you forget what happened back there?” Fred pauses when Y/N pouts at him. “Love I know you want a cat but I can’t let you suffer like that everyday just so you can have one,” he says softly, pulling her back into his chest. He cups her cheek and presses a soft kiss to her lips.

“But, kitten,” she says softly, looking up at him.

Fred smiles down at her and kisses her again. “I know, love. If there was some way for us to get a cat and it didn’t set off your allergies we would. But until that happens we aren’t going to get a cat.”

“Fred, have you ever heard of something called allergy medication?”

-

One hour, a trip to a muggle pharmacy and a pet store later, Y/N is lying in bed with their brand-new kitten sleeping softly on her chest.

“You’re a crazy cat lady, you know that?” Fred says with a laugh as he lays down next to Y/N.

She smiles up at him and tilts her head back to ask for a kiss. After Fred presses their lips together softly she looks back down at their kitten. “Yeah, but I’m your crazy cat lady.”