#this is about when I go grocery shopping fyi

[runa-falls]

cat and mouse - 3

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara x Supervillain(?)!Reader

Warnings: mention of alcohol and being inebriated, Miguel in normal clothes (yes this is a warning), friends vs. lovers type beat

a/n: this one might be a little frustrating fyi. also it might be a while for the next part to come out bc i'm having trouble figure out where i want this story to go.

Summary: Every time you try to convince people it was an accident, you immediately get ratted out to the Spider. But really, it was! You don't know why you're being hunted, you didn't even do anything wrong. Yet.

w/c: 2.4k

part 1 part 2 part 4

masterlist

----

The villain's life isn’t too bad. Especially when you have friends. Well, a friend.

Really, it’s just like being unemployed, but you’re not living off of your life savings, you’re living off of someone else’s.

Maybe someone else’s else’s savings.

Ok fine, you’ll admit it. You haven’t actually done much crime at all. You’ve just been mooching off of Felicia like a girl with a sugar mama.

So what? It’s not your fault she’s the most generous criminal you’ve ever met. And technically, the money comes directly from other people’s accounts, so you are still acting as an accessory to a crime and that’s good enough for you.

So far, you’ve been treating these past few weeks like an extended vacation. 

You’re still not used to your powers. It’s not as easy as thinking about something and it happens. It’s more like a feeling, something you have to pull from within. After the first few times of accidentally exploding someone’s Kia Soul and a breakfast sandwich that cost $12 (which is a crime in itself), you’ve been a little apprehensive about using your powers unless you really need them.  

Thankfully, you have Felicia to teach you a few non-power-related moves just in case. You actually thought you’d never see her again after she left you on that roof. Even though she did say, “I’ll see you later,” you thought she was just being polite. But then you got a text for brunch a few days later.

Feli is not a villain, but she’s certainly not a hero either. She kinda just does what she wants when she feels like it. It’s inspiring, really. 

You never told her about what happened that other night, not wanting to mention how Spider-Man mistook you for her. Or the fact that your shared a heated kiss with the hero. You’re supposed to be a bad-ass criminal, not some girl who fraternizes with superheroes like some sort of groupie. You do, however, tell her about how full-black suits aren’t your style and that you’re thinking about finally embracing your fiery locks.

She agrees adding, “We can’t show up in the same fit every time we’re committing a crime. We need to keep it fresh, give ‘em something to talk about.” 

You were ready to go down to a fabric shop and stitch something quick together, but Feli adamantly convinced you that she would take care of it. Feli has this awesome AI assistant named Zee that does everything from ordering groceries to building her a new ultra-sleek motorcycle. You were told to tell Zee what you were looking for in your new suit since she’s also conveniently connected to an advanced fabricator. 

“Hello, Ms. Hardy and Ms. Blaze.” You grumble at the AI’s use of your long-hated nickname, “How can I be of service?”

“Make her a new suit,” Feli commanded, “and make it quick, we have things to do today.” She sits at a desk, clicking idly through her large desktop. You peek over her shoulder, curious about what she’s working on. It’s a Pinterest board full of outfits and modern interior design ideas. 

“Certainly. What are you looking for?” A holographic menu streams from the fabricating machine, showing you options for the size, fit, and design of the suit. 

“Orange, maybe? And make it a little more breathable, I was sweating bullets in that other one.” 

The menu scrolls around as you speak, showing you favorable color combinations and breathable fabrics and designs. 

You tap on a fiery orange and black palette. It’s simple and makes sense. A few designs with your chosen colors pop up and you see the perfect one. It’s asymmetrical, leaving enough skin uncovered to ensure there’s a fair amount of ventilation for your extra-warm radioactive body heat. You click the ‘process’ button, and the machine starts right away. Estimated Time: 14 hrs and 27 minutes.

Feli stands up when she hears the rev of the machine working its magic. “Alright, darling, let’s get you up to my closet. We’re going to the club.” 

—

Apparently, one of Feli’s associates owns the club we’re going to. 

“He’s been asking about you, hearing about the power plant and all.” The limo he sent to her house is exquisite, offering expensive champagne and snacks. The windows are super tinted for privacy and the partition has been rolled up since you got in, so you can’t really tell where you’re headed. “I told him I’d bring you around the club sometime. That is if he lets us have some fun afterward.” 

The club itself is quite packed. The building throbs with the heavy bass of electronic music that you can hear even through the heavy metal doors. There’s already a line that wraps around the block and it’s only 8 pm. 

You carefully step out of the limo after Feli, trying not to trip in your borrowed heels. The bouncer instantly recognizes her and lets you pass, velvet rope pulled aside. 

The sea of dancing bodies moves like a stop-motion film under the strobing lights as you walk right past the general area. You pass through a curtained entrance, walk up some stairs, and stop in front of the balcony area that overlooks the dance floor. VIP only, it says. 

In the middle of the sitting area is a large bald man dressed in a proper suit, making him look like a frightening businessman. A large smile appears on his pale face when he spots your friend and he stands up to greet the two of you.

You can barely hear his voice over the loud music. “Felicia Hardy, wonderful to see you.” She offers her hand which he politely pecks. 

She merely acknowledges him, “Fisk.”

He turns to you. “And you must be the famous, Blaze.” You don’t offer a hand and he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Nice to meet you, sir.”

“Please, call me Wilson.”

You don’t spend too much time with him, both because he seemed pretty busy and Feli wanted to go downstairs as soon as possible. He asks you normal things like where you’re from and how you met Feli, but he was mostly curious about your powers and how you got them. 

“A vat, hm? I’ve heard that one before.” It’s true. Vats of shit almost ensure the creation of new villains. “S’a miracle you didn’t die from that.” 

—

Feli is a lot more talkative once you leave Fisk. Despite working for him, she doesn’t seem all that fond of him. “He’ll probably call you up if he ever needs your skillset. I’d recommend taking whatever job he offers, he usually compensates generously.”

“But how? I didn’t give him my number.”

“Doesn’t matter. He’ll be in touch.” 

She tells you to find a table while she gets some drinks. Apparently, the bar is open for her, another perk of working with Fisk. You feel like a wallflower as you wait for her, watching as people come and go to the dancefloor or bar. You sit at the high-top table, legs swinging idly to the beat of the music.

You’re almost shoved off your seat when someone bumps into you and you have to hold onto the table to keep your balance. “Oh, sorry,” You hear a familiar voice say over the pounding music.

“It’s ok.”

 “Lava Girl,” You look over at the man, head having to tilt up to see his face. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” You barely recognize him as you’ve never seen him out of the suit before. He’s wearing a tight black short-sleeve that stretches nicely over his broad chest and dark wash jeans. Looking like any other civilian. 

“Miguel!” His eyes wander over the short black dress you were borrowing from Felicia, briefly stopping over the length of your bare legs that are visible through the glass table.

“Always seem to be wearing something new when I see you.”

“Well, my friend has expensive taste.”

His brows furrow, “Friend? You’re here with someone?” 

“Mhm.” Your eye catches on a head of silver hair, wandering through the crowds of loud and rowdy people. “Oh, just a sec. There she is.” You stand up to catch her attention and miraculously she spots you, flashing a smile as you wave your arms around like a lunatic. 

Then she sees him and her soft smile stops. One of her perfectly tailored eyebrows raises as she joins the two of you, drinks in hand. “You.” 

He seems surprised to see her. “Fel…” There’s a long bout of silence between the three of you. Whatever light energy was there quickly grows tense and you start to feel uncomfortable. 

What’s with these two?

You try to salvage whatever you can from this weird conversation. “So, how do you guys know each other?” Felicia’s gaze releases its hold on Miguel and they both look at you, almost like forgot you were even there. 

Miguel starts. “Uh, we’re old friends.” She gives him a look that you can’t decipher. “Older enemies.”

Then she writes it out, “Ex’s.” 

You can tell he’s trying to hide a wince, but he’s not very good at it. So he was looking for her that night. Does that mean he would’ve kissed her instead of you then? Wait, that also means you kissed your best friend's ex! Shit.

“Oh.” You pick up a coaster just to have something to do with your hands. “Well, that’s cool– I mean it’s not cool, but– like, oh, so that’s how you know each other. Wow, what a small–”

“Why are you here Mig?” Suspicion drips off each word as she steps forward, almost like she’s trying to protect you. 

“You’re asking why I’m at a club owned by one of the notorious crime lords in Nueva York?” 

And all of a sudden you’re not there again. It’s just them. 

“No, I’m asking why you’re here. With her.” 

“Can’t a guy just say hi to a friend?”

It dawns on her. “She knows?” She says through gritted teeth. 

He run a hand through his dark brown waves, “Look, it just happened.”

“Miguel, leave her alone, she hasn’t done anything.” You feel like you’re a kid watching her parents bicker about things unknown to you. You nervously fiddle with the hem of your skirt.

“She’s a good girl.”

“It’s not like that, Fel.” She rolls her emerald green eyes.

“Sure, it isn’t. I know you, Miguel.” 

He scoffs, “Yeah, whatever.” He brushes her off, clearly done with the conversation. “Ok, well, I’d love to stay longer, but I did actually come here for a reason.” He pulls away from the table, “It was nice seeing you, Blaze.” You could tell that he means it just by the way he looks at you. 

You nod at him, not really up to say much of anything after tonight. You can tell you’re dismissive send-off stings, but you don’t really care. 

“Hardy.” She doesn’t even look at him and he walks away without another word.

“Ugh, that guy.” Feli takes a deep sip of her vodka cran and you watch as a napkin sticks to the sweating glass as she tilts it back. She pushes yours closer to you, letting the perspiration drag against the glass table.

At this point, you’re not really feeling the whole club scene anymore.

“Promise you’ll stay away from him.” Your eyes lift from your untouched glass to meet her stare. “I know he’s Nueva York’s sweetheart Spider-Man or whatever, but he’s bad news, trust me.” 

“Ok.” 

“You really don’t wanna get caught up in the superhero drama. I’m just, trying to look out for you, Blaze.” 

You nod, forcing yourself to smile. “I know.”

And you do. She probably has a good reason for it, but it doesn’t make you feel any better.

All the events of the evening sit in the air for a second. Felicia, Fisk, and Miguel. Your brain is having a hard time organizing everything and the noises around you aren’t helping.

You decidedly pick up your glass without thinking and quickly drain it, barely even tasting it before feeling its cool contents bloom throughout your body. You set it down a bit harsher than you intended, but the coaster does a good job of absorbing the sound. 

You hop off your seat. “Let’s dance.”

Feli is surprised by your sudden changed mood, “Oh, right now?” You need to let loose. You can’t let some stupid kiss ruin your new life. You can’t let anything distract you. You can’t let him distract you. As of now, you’re a new woman and you’re ready to embrace exactly who everyone thinks you are. 

You offer your hand, “Right now.” She takes it, letting you lead her straight to the middle of the dancefloor. 

—

This time you run before you even see him. Well ‘run’ may be an exaggeration. You were too drunk to even walk in a straight line so let’s just say you ‘left.’

So the night went off the rails a little bit. One fruity mixed drink turned into a few rounds of shots, which turned into a very ambitious plan to revisit that bank that shut down on you a few weeks ago. Since it hasn’t been hit since that night, you assumed everything would’ve simmered down around it. Less security, less fuss, and less Spider-Man. And you were right. 

You were also careless. 

Drunk girls and endless power create an interesting scene for the police to discover. First, you skipped the doors altogether. Why use the front entrance, when you can walk straight into the vault? By the time the cops would get there, they’d be greeted by a huge hole that rips through several layers of (theoretically) indestructible materials.

Then there are the two blood-red lipstick kisses right next to it. That was Feli’s idea.

“Oh my god, you know what would be so cute? If we signed off on this with little kisses!”

“Why would we do that?” Your words slur slightly as you step into the vault. It’s stacked high with bills placed in perfectly rectangular towers. A soft breeze could easily ruin the whole room. 

“A girl’s gotta leave her mark.”

“Mm…ok, why not.”

You stuff your small handbags to the brim, not worried when a few bills fall out. This job isn’t really about the money, it’s about sending a message. 

You both casually stagger away from the crime scene, catch a cab (paying with handfuls of cash because you can’t be bothered to count it out), and get back to her place. 

“You staying over?”

“Can I?”

“Of course, darling.”

[lunarsun12]

Hyunjin ‘Noona’ - Part 2/2

Masterlist

Previous Part

Well when Hyunjin asked if Yeji delete the video…the answer is you all guessed is no. This then lead to the two of them bickering for 2 hours. Whilst the rest of the kids don’t know, how to react. Before hyunjin started to swear, Changbin immediately intervene.

Did Changbin intervene in time…before his two parents found out…

Back At SKZ Kids Chat

Today 21:00

Changbin🙄: Okay okay you two stop agruing who is better! Just delete the video and Hyunjin can be normal again

Seungmin🐶: C’mon Binnie don’t be a party pooper! Finally someone gets under hyunjin skin

Changbin🙄: I’m doing this! As hyunjin is about to say a bad word! FYI WE HAVE INNIE HERE!

Yeji👑: Ermmm about that…I have sent the video to Hyunjin Appa…out of anger as he won’t listen to me

Hyunjin🕺: YAH! I did everything you asked for! Our agreement!

Seungmin🐶: This is getting better!!

Felix☀️: I just heard Appa calling for hyunjin…

Yeji👑: I should go…I’m so sorry hyunjin! Please don’t be mad at me!

Yeji left the chat

Back at SKZ Family Chat

Bangchan🐺: HYUNJIN! You come out the bathroom right this minute! How many times did I told you…don’t annoy people

Hyunjin🕺: Darn you Yeji…You can’t make me! I was defending myself! Not my fault, people can’t handle the truth!

Bangchan🐺: You should thank your friend Yeji. For showing me this!

Han🐿️: I didn’t know this is the person Hyunjin is afraid of! She sure knows how to scold people

Lee Know🐱: Chan…please let me go kill someone! This lady almost killed my child! I won’t stand for this!

Hyunjin🕺: Yeah! Eomma I almost died!

Bangchan🐺: MINHO! How can you be so clueless! Your child is started this and he refused to apologise!

Few hours later…

Lee Know🐱: Innie! Why did you tell Appa! I’m going grocery shopping!

I.N🦊: You were holding a bat in your hand! You gonna hurt someone! You shouldn’t lie!

Bangchan🐺: Minho…everything is fine now…Hyunjin made up with his friend sister…he is back to his usual self

Lee Know🐱: Ohhhh, could have told me sooner!

Bangchan🐺: I did! You were ignoring as it is you and cat ‘spa’ time!

Previous Part

[alba8688]

The one that got away

Warnings 18+ minors DNI

A/N FYI I listen to everybody hurts by R.E.M in repeat since it says to play it to set the mood ...Oh yeah I'm sorry.

Word count:6315

The sexual tension between Deb and Eddie was strong. The guys could see it the way Eddie shifted around when Deb was walking in front of him at the grocery store, especially with what Deb was wearing .Those damn tiny shorts with the black lace long sleeve blouse and the white boots were driving Eddie crazy .

Deb had taken the boys to the grocery store to buy some snacks and food for the days they were going to stay.Deb had told them they didn't have to.But the boys said they were gonna help with whatever they could.While staying at her place .Deb didn't argue anymore and let them but whatever they wanted it was a lot of groceries too much just even for them. Because Deb would usually eat down at the bar.

After the grocery shopping was more like junk food , Deb called the towed truck to pick up the van and take it to Dave the mechanic and that's where they were right now .Eddie and the guys waited patiently for Deb to come back to the car .She had told them to wait for her in her car because Dave wouldn't believe her if they went with her .Deb told them that the mechanic had a crush on her and she would use her charmed for there van to be ready fast and would charge them Less .Eddie didn't like The idea of Deb flirting with some Guy.But he had no right to get mad because they weren't nothing they weren't together they just had sex and it didn't mean anything .

Dave the Mechanic was a 6ft guy. He was handsome but he wanted Deb's type. He was all muscle and she didn't like that, she liked her rockstars that would always break her heart .

"It will be ready in a week ." Dave told Deb nervously,Even though he was a big tough guy Deb always made him nervous .There was just something about her that drove men crazy it was probably those Hazel green beautiful eyes .

"Are you sure ? because last night my van was all smoky ." Deb flirted biting her bottom lip

And twisting a strand of her hair in her finger .

Dave gulped and tried to explain the best way he could to Deb as to why her van had overheated .

"Smoke often leaves car engines as a result of overheating. This can be caused by faulty wire casings, heated residues on the engine block and overheated liquids including oil, transmission fluid and brake fluid. There may also be a fault in your coolant system, or your engine may not have enough lubricant"Dave told Deb but she didn't understand a word he said she just smiled and wink at him .

"Please have it ready Davy ."and with that Deb went back to her car where Eddie and the guys were waiting for her .She opened the door to her car and got it .

"What did he say ?" Eddie asked

"Be ready in a week but I got him to lower price." She smiles

A chorus of yes were heard from the backseat from the guys .

"Ok that's cool we can call what his face and let him know will head out in a week." Jeff's says

"What's his face ? His name is Robert ." Eddie tells him..So they all went back to Deb's apartment to wait and also called Robert to let him know what happened to the van and that they got lost in Texas.He called them dumbasses.

That night Deb had the night off and invited the boys for drinks .Eddie and her hadn't talked about what happened last night but they were hoping it would happen again.

Maybe tonight.they both thought .

"You guys better remember me when you become big rockstars ." Deb told the boys ,they were having drinks downstairs at the bar and tonight was karaoke night so Deb invited them and told them drinks where on her if they played a song for her tonight which they Agreed and Deb talked to Javier the owner to give them a chance that she knew someday they'll make it big and they promise to come back when they became big rockstars.

At first he was undecided because this bar was a country bar but he eventually agreed he couldn't say no to Deb because she helped him so much.and he loved Deb like a daughter ..

"How can we forget a pretty face like yours?" Eddie flirted ..Gareth and the boys all wolf whistled making Eddie and Deb blushed .

They had just met but they felt a great connection with each other. They didn't know what it was but they both felt it and both were scared to admit anything because they both knew it was just sex and nothing else plus Eddie was living in California in a week and Deb wasn't going to see him again.

It couldn't work no matter how hard they made it work.

Deb knew the life of the rockstars and she knew there were going to be women throwing themselves at him and she knew it would hurt her if she found out he was cheating by a stupid magazine on television.

Eddie didn't want to do long distance .He couldn't do it with how busy their schedule was going to be he couldn't be in a relationship right now .But there was something about Deb that made him want all of that romantic shit that made him feel those butterflies in his stomach that way she smiled her laugh her hazel green eyes .

She was such a happy girl .Eddie imagined in that moment in the bar a future with her having a family, the white picket fence with a two story home and a dog .

But he knew he could never have that with her because he would run away as soon as everything became serious, afraid to commit, afraid he was going to be like his dad and run away.

"Eddie .''Deb waved her hand in front of his face .

"Huh?" Eddie realized he had zoned out staring at Deb now he felt embarrassed .

"Are you ok ?" She smiled at him ,yes he was ok and no he wasn't because it might sound cheesy as fuck but he thinks he might be falling for a girl He just met .It sounded crazy it really did but he couldn't. It couldn't be possible that kind of shit it wasn't real .It only happens in movies it can't happen in real life .

"Y-yeah I was just thinking ."he stammers

"We are up next Man." Gareth told his friend .Gareth knew what was happening to his friend ,he knew him and had never seen that face on him. He really liked Deb but he knew he wasn't going to admit it .

"Ok." Eddie replied

"Break leg ." Deb pecked Eddie's cheek, making him blush .

Eddie got up and walked upstage where the rest of the band where already setting up their instruments.

Deb stared at Eddie while he fix his guitar strapped .She knew she was fucked but there was nothing they could do .

"Hi we are Corroded Coffin and this song is for the pretty girl back there." Eddie pointed to Deb who was smiling at him raising her drink to him.

Play "You shook me all night long." Ac Dc

Deb blushed tremendously hearing the words of the song. I mean she didn't dislike it at all. It was a great song but was he talking about sex with her ?

The whole crowd turned to look at Deb and lifted their beer to her. Javier shook his head Knowing Deb had something to do with metalhead .He always told her to be careful and not to get too attached because those rockstars wannabes always broke her heart . She never listens.

Deb got up on top of the table and started Dancing to the music .Eddie couldn't take his eyes away from her the way she sway her hips hypnotized him.She was so beautiful .Right there watching her dance from stage he knew he was fucked and no other girl would compare to her if he didn't do something about how he felt he was going to regret it .

When the song was over Deb was the loudest cheering for them.Javier even took a picture of Deb with the guys of corroded coffin when they got off stage to put it on his wall of fame and also threaten to chop off Eddie's dick if he hurt Deb.

Which Eddie promised he would never do something like that .

The guys were having the time of our lives at the moment. They could only imagine what their lives would be when they became big .

Gareth ,Jeff and Anthony met some girls that night and went home with them and Eddie stayed with Deb in the booth drinking until the bar closed and they both headed upstairs .Eddie ignoring any girl that came his way because his heart had been stolen by the beautiful girl that spend the whole night with him ignoring guys who asked to dance with her just to be with him.

"I had fun."Deb said softly

"Me too." Eddie said almost as a whisper slowly walking forward to Deb making her so damn nervous .She didn't even know why if they already had slept together .But Eddie just made her feel that way.

"Kiss me." She whispers when he was inches away from her face and Eddie did it without hesitation kissing her softly .Not like last night where the kiss was hungry .Tonight he wanted to enjoy being with her and enjoy every part of her body he wanted to remember her forever.

Deb felt the difference between the kiss and the sparks that came with it but she Wasn't going to say anything neither was Eddie because neither of them knew what they were feeling .

Eddie picked up Deb by her ass, walking slowly toward her room blindly .

"Ouch." Deb giggled when Eddie jumped into the wall making Deb hit her back .

"Sorry ." Eddie said in between kisses.

"To the right". Deb guided Eddie and opened the door to the room .Eddie laid Deb down slowly in the bed so carefully as if she was a porcelain doll that could break and admired her beauty.No Other girl would compare to her ever.He thought

"You're so beautiful." He whispered his heart started beating faster and it scared him because he knew the feelings were getting stronger. And he was going to put that away in the back of his heart in a chest and lock it with a key .He couldn't fall, not when his career was barely starting .It was his dream to be a rockstar and he couldn't do a relationship right now when his career was about to start.

Eddie leaned down and kissed her Lips again softly. The kiss was so passionate it hurt because they knew it wasn't going anywhere but just sex .That night Eddie made Love to Deb again and again and again She had forgotten to take the pill and Eddie had come inside her but she remembered to take it that next morning .

The next day Eddie and the guys accompany Deb during her shift at the bar and afterwards Deb and Eddie disappeared from the guys .They left in Deb's car driving around town they where both high in weed and dare each other to get a matching tattoo and that's where they were right now getting a matching tattoo so they would always remember each other when they saw the tattoo .Eddie won the the paper rock scissors so he got to choose the tattoo .

It was a Lord of the Rings reference. They both got it in their wrist .It was Deb's first tattoo and she liked it and she even liked it more when she knew what it meant .

"So it's Lord of the Rings related ?" Deb asked Eddie

"Yeah ."he reply looking at his tattoo

"And what does it mean?" Deb asked admiring her new tattoo her wrist

Eddie stopped walking and looked at Deb .

"Arwen wore the Evenstar at the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring, but gave it to Aragorn before he departed with the Fellowship. Although Elrond didn't exactly approve, they were lovers, so when Arwen gave Aragorn her Elvish necklace, it represented her commitment and never-ending love."

"That's so romantic ." Deb responded

They didn't say anything. They didn't want to get into the subject of love. They got in the car and drove back home singing whatever song was on the radio .Eddie has never been this happy in his life ,his smile wouldn't disappear from His face .He had a kool aid man smile from ear to ear .

When they got to Deb's apartment they showered together and cuddled in bed naked .

Laughing and giggling about stupid things .They talked about Deb's parents and how much of an assholes they were taking away her inheritance just because she didn't want to be a doctor .Eddie told Deb about his mother and her love of music ,because of her he love music.He even told her his dad thought how to play guitar and how he ran away when he needed him the most .

"Are you gonna remember me when you're famous?" Deb asked Eddie she was twisting a curl of Eddie on her finger .

"Ofcourse I am, I'll even write a song about you and I'll always have This bad ass tattoo to remember you ." Eddie kissed the top of Deb's head .He wanted to stay in this moment forever.

"Promise ." Deb sat down criss cross in bed facing Eddie sticking out her pinky finger to him.

"Pinky promise ."Deb leaned in to kiss Eddie's lips and slowly moved down to his jaw .She then got on top of him straddling him .

Eddie felt like crying at that moment. He didn't know why it felt like it was going to be the last time he would see Deb .

So he kissed her hard. He kissed her with so much passion that tears fell down his cheeks.He flipped her over so she would be laying down in bed and Eddie on top of her .

"I need you ."Deb whispered

Eddie wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand and smile at Deb then aligned himself To her entrance and slowly pushed in.Deb noticed the tears in Eddie's eyes but she didn't say anything because she knew she was crying too.Eddie hid his face in the crook or Deb's neck hiding his face from her not wanting to see the tears from his eyes .but Deb could feel the wetness of his tears in her neck.

So Deb hugged him tightly while they made slow and passionate love .Deb had never felt so much love in her life .But she knew what she got herself in when she slept with Eddie .She knew she didn't have a future with him,she knew that Eddie's life was going to change in a few days and he wasn't going to be able to have time for her .It hurt her to think she finally felt something real for someone but wasn't able to say it .

"Eddie ." Deb whispered

Eddie lifts his head and looks down at Deb, her eyes glazed and red "you're so beautiful ." He leaned down to capture her lips on his .

"Deb I-I ."

"Shhhh I know me too but just kissed me ok ."

"Ok." Eddie nodded and kissed Deb until he wasn't able to breathe .

The next morning the door to Deb's door burst open and Gareth walked in waking up Eddie .

"Robert sent a car to come pick us up. They say they got us plane tickets to leave today." Gareth said excitedly .Deb opened her eyes to see Gareth standing on the side of the bed waking Eddie up .When she heard those words coming out of Gareth's lips her heart broke .Eddie was going to leave today, not In another few days.

That's when it finally sinked she was never going to see him again.

"What?" Eddie asked groggily

"Robert's sent a car and they're waiting for us. The plane leaves in an hour so hurry your ass up !!" Gareth ran out of the room closing the door behind.There was silence in the room and Eddie felt an awful pain in his chest when he saw Deb staring at him already trying her best not to cry .

"Hurry up, rock star, you wouldn't want to miss the plane ." She put her best fake smile ,Eddie cupped her face and kissed her like there is no tomorrow .

"I will never forget you ."he rested his forehead on hers .

"Me either now go break a leg ." She smiled at him.Eddie got up picking up his scattered clothes from the floor but before leaving he wrote his number in a paper and gave it to Deb .

"Here ."

"What's this ?" Deb asked, looking at him as she was sitting down putting on her shoes .

"Call me ." Deb opened the piece of paper to reveal Eddie's phone number .She smiled then jumped into his arms wrapping herself to him like a baby koala .

"Ok." She kissed him.pepperongnhis face with kisses .

When everyone was ready they headed downstairs where a black fancy car was waiting for them.Deb followed them downstairs to say goodbye to them .She hugged everyone goodbye leaving Eddie to the end the one that hurt the most .The one that stole her heart in such a few days .

"Hi."Eddie whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist pulling her close to him .

"Hi rockstar." Deb flirted ,trying her damn best not to cry for a boy she just met .She hated herself for falling so easily .

"Promise you'll call me ." Eddie said in between kisses .

"I promise ." Deb giggle "I promise I'll call you tonight ok."

"Eddie man come on let's go!!" Anthony shouted from the car.

"I'm going hold on damn it !! " he shouted back at his friend.

"I'll miss you ." Eddie whispered for only Deb to hear .Eddie hated himself for falling so fast for this girl he just met .

"Me too, now go before you miss your airplane." What Deb wanted to say was "please stay here with me, don't leave me." But she didn't.

"Would that be too bad ?" Eddie pecks Deb's lips.

No, it would please stay .

"Yes because then you won't write me that song you promised." Deb playfully pushed Eddie away from her .

You can write that song here while you're with me.

"You wounded me sweetheart, you really want to get rid of me now ." He placed his hand on his chest playfully .

Deb giggled and placed one last kiss on his lips before Eddie got in the car .She giggled to hide her cries .She wanted to scream to come back to stay here with her but she didn't .

Eddie lowered the window and Deb blew him a kiss he pretended to catch it and place it in his heart ,the car started moving and Eddie felt like telling the driver to stop to let him get down and stay here with Deb but he didn't he watched Deb become farther away as the car move .His heart was breaking into a million pieces but this is what he wanted to become a rock star to be able to give his uncle everything he deserved .

Deb wanted to run after the car to tell the driver to stop to confess her feelings for Eddie but she didn't .She just waved to them until the car disappeared from view .

That night Deb called Eddie like she promised Eddie had just gotten to his hotel they each got a room to themselves and Eddie FaceTime Deb showing her her fancy hotel room.Deb felt happy for him that he was finally gonna be able to live his dreams .Shenknew she did good not telling him how she felt because if she had down it she would have ruin everything for him and the guys .

"I promised as soon as I'm not busy I'll go visit you ."he told Deb they were both laying down in their beds with the phone close to their faces ..

"Promise me ?" Deb whisper

"I promise pretty girl ."

Eddie and Deb stayed talking on the phone till they both fell asleep on the phone .Deb fell asleep first and Eddie watched her sleep like a weirdo.And while she was sleeping Eddie told her how he felt deep down he wished she would have heard him .But she didn't.

Every day in the morning and at night Deb and Eddie would FaceTime till they fell asleep on the line.Eddie would send Deb pictures of where they were and he send her the picture when they signed the contract .

After a month the calls started to get less and less and so did the messages.if she got even one was rare .But she understood because Eddie told her that they were getting ready to start recording an album then go on tour in a few months .

But after that month Deb realized she was late,at first she didn't see anything wrong because she was so irregular that sometimes her period wouldn't come so she ignored it but this time it was different she felt different .So she got in her car and drove to the closest pharmacy to get pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test well she bought five .Just to be sure .

As soon as she got home she ran to the bathroom and got a disposable cup and Pee on it .She followed The instructions of every test and waited 5 minutes for the results.The results that night changed hers and Eddie's future.

Those five minutes were the most excruciating five minutes of her life .When the timer rang on her phone she ran to check the test .

She picked one by one up making sure they all had the same result and they were all positive .She felt the happiest woman in the world she needed to call Eddie to let him know .She dialed his number excited and nervous biting the her nails she waited for Eddie to answer the phone Rang and rang and rang it rang a few times until someone that wasn't Eddie answer .

"Hello."

"Hi It's Eddie there ?" Deb asked excitedly, she couldn't contain her happiness. She needed to tell Eddie the happy news ..

"He's busy right now." The man on the other side responded

"Can you tell him Deb called please ."

"Yeah, I will do it ." The man responded and then hung up the phone .

That afternoon she waited for Eddie's call that never came. She waited until night .She stared at her phone waiting for that call but it never came the next morning .Her phone rang and she saw that it was Eddie's number and answered fast .

"Eddie ?" Deb answered

"No this is not Eddie ,this is Robert I'm

Just returning the calm for Eddie ." What does he mean returning the calm for Eddie Deb thought .

"Why?" Her voice tremble

"Did you want to leave a message or did you want me to tell Him something ?" He asked

"Can you please tell him to call me back ."

"Sorry he's busy right now but let me know what you need and I'll let him know ."

"Oh ok I'll just send it by mail then."

Deb tried to keep her voice from breaking but it was hard .Did Eddie not want to talk to her ?

"Ok." And like that the man hung up .

Deb didn't let that bring her down .That morning she set up an appointment for the doctor and she got an appointment for that same

Day in the afternoon.

At the doctor office

Waiting patiently in the waiting area of the doctors office .Deb was so nervous and sad because she saw couples happily waiting to see their baby and she was there alone without Eddie.

She looked down at the papers in her hand that she had filled out .Trying to get her eyes from the couple sitting in-front of her .

She got up and returned the papers to the nurse in the front "take a seat and will call you when they're ready for you."the nurse told Deb .

Deb nodded and decided to sit somewhere where there were no couples because that shit was depressing her ..

She scrolled through her phone and saw a video of Corroded coffin playing at a local famous bar I. L.A .She smiled watching the guys play. They were living their dream .

Eddie looked so handsome he was wearing tight leather pants with no shirt on .Deb could see his tattoo on his wrist when he grabbed the mic .Then Eddie kiss his wrist making Deb smiled widely .She then knew Eddie was missing her and he was busy that's why he couldn't take her calls so he was going to surprised him by sending a copy of the ultrasound to him when she got it

"Deborah James." A nurse calls Deb's name, distracting her from watching Eddie and ten guys playing .

Deb stood up putting her phone in her back pocket and walks over to the nurse who leads her to a room and tells her to lay down that the ultrasound technician will

Be her any minute .

While waiting Deb sent a text to Eddie telling him she saw him in a video and that she missed him.Hoping he would answer but he didnt .Deb looked at the delivered text waiting for it to turn to read but it never happened.She didn't even hear the door open when the doctor walked in introducing herself .

"Hi." Deb smile putting her phone to the side

"Ok this is going to feel cold ."she told Deb and it did feel cold .

"Ok let's see that baby ." Deb looked at the screen but all she saw was black and white .

"There's your baby ." The doctor points to the screen .Deb tilts her head to the side to try to see where the doctor is pointing but nothing.

"When can we know the sex ?" Deb asked

The doctor said it was still too early to find out the sex but maybe in a few more weeks they will have some luck.Deb nodded ok and asked the doctor for an extra copy of an ultrasound.As soon as she got out of the doctor's office with her extra ultrasound Deb rushed to her apartment to write to Eddie and send him the ultrasound picture of there baby .

Two weeks later

Deb waited and waited for Eddie's call since she sent the letter ,but never got anything. Every single day she waited patiently but nothing, not even a text .So when two weeks passed she checked the mail and to her surprise it was a letter from Eddie .She rushed upstairs to her apartment to read the letter .

She sat in her bed and opened it excitedly.

"I've got your letter sorry I haven't been able to called you been super busy with corroded coffin and about the letter you send me I don't know if I can deal with a kid right now my career just started I hope you understand "

Eddie

Deb read the letter over and over again and she couldn't believe what she was reading .She checked the envelope once more and saw a check for a good amount of money.

"What the fuck !!"Deb crumbled the check and the letter and threw it to the floor.

Play "Everybody hurts ." R.E.M

Deb stared at the crumble letter and checked on the corner of the room and next to it was a shirt Eddie had forgotten it was a Dio shirt he love his favorite he Deb got up from the bed and kneel in front of the shirt picking it up and held it close to her chest the smell of Eddie still lingered in it .It was faint but she could smell him.Suddenly she scared herself with how she was crying .She felt alone she had no one .The pain she was feeling was unbearable she Should have known he was just like every other guy she ever met that just used her for sex .

He never really cared for her, he just used her for fun and when he got tired of her he threw her away like a piece of trash .

Deb couldn't understand what was wrong with her and why everyone left her .That night she cried herself to sleep, missing work .

The next morning she stayed in bed as well, only getting up to use the restroom.She wasn't eating ,she wasn't hungry she knew she had to eat for her baby but she couldn't even get up she felt so numb.She was alone she didn't have anyone in the world that care about her.Eddie abandoned her just like everyone in her life did.

Two days later Javier went looking for Deb at her apartment because she hadn't Been to work only to find her on the ground in her room wearing a black Dio shirt .He picked her up slowly and took her to the hospital .She was dehydrated and he found out she was pregnant..

Why hadn't she said anything ?

Javier knew it was Eddie's and he knew Deb was like this because of him .He hated him with all his guts for hurting Deb .

Since that day he never left alone, always by her side taking her of what she needed .

Javier saw Deb as a daughter. Even Javier's wife Maria would go cook for Deb at her apartment.Deb would sit on the couch staring into space it's like she wasn't there.For the first months of her pregnancy Deb went through depression and the only ones there to help were Javier and Maria .Heloing her every step of the way .Always there even at night when the nightmares came and she would wake up crying .

Everyone made her promises that always were broken.one day she was standing in front of her mirror and she promised herself to be better for her baby .To be the best mom for him or her .

She was so grateful for Javier and Maria always making sure she was ok and taking her prenatals.Even though Eddie didn't want to know anything about Deb or there baby she still send him updates of how big their baby was or the lastest ultrasound.When she then 5 months she found out the sex of her baby and sent the great new by mail to Eddie that it was a boy and she was planning on naming Edward just like him.and she promise him that she would talk to there son about there father and she would never denied him if he ever wanted to see Eddie.Because no matter what Eddie was his father and even though he didn't want to be in his life his son deserve to know why.She promise Eddie she would only talk good things about him and his love of music .

When she was 7 months Maria threw her a baby shower and Deb received so many gifts for her little baby boy.Deb sent pictures to Eddie of the baby shower. It was lots of the rings theme.Ever since she got better she decided to read the books to her son every night before going to sleep .She told Eddie about it well she wrote to him letting him know that she was going to make sure their son liked the books just like his dad.

Deb wanted to keep Eddie updated hoping That one day he would change his mind but that never happened ..

When she was 8 months pregnant Javier told her he was selling the bar because he wanted to retire and be home With his wife but he told Deb him And Maria will always be there for her and her son .He even told her to move in with them.But Deb couldn't she didn't want to be a mother to them .

So she stayed in the upstairs apartment of the bar .The new owner was nice enough to let her stay with the same deal she had with Javier working for him.She never really met him yet but only talked to him by phone .He seemed like a nice guy .

One night on March 14 ,Deb woke up with an awful pain in her lower stomach. She knew there were contractions but they were so far apart but the pain was unbearable. she waited until they were 5 minutes apart like she read in her book to call Maria .who hurried to pick her up when she got the called .When getting to the hospital The nurses asked Deb if she was going to want the epidural but Deb decide on not taking it and that same night at 8pm Eddie James Munson Jr was born.weighing 6 pounds 8 ounces.he was the tiniest baby Deb had ever seen .He was so cute and had the same curls like his dad there weren't that long like Eddie's but noticeable in his little head he even had the same chocolate eyes .Deb cried when she saw him he opening his eyes and look at her .She promised him that she would give him the world and would never abandoned him.She promised to always be there for him.She promised to be the best mom for him .

Maria and Javier came to visit the following day. Bringing Deb a car seat they had bought for the little Eddie .Deb started crying and thanked them .She was too emotional .

A week later Deb gave a letter to Maria to send for her .It was a big letter with pictures of baby Eddie .It was the last letter she was sending Eddie hoping he would answer when he saw his son his replica ..

4 months later

Deb was at the grocery store with baby Eddie buying formula ,diapers ,wipes and groceries.She was living off food stamps and the tips she got from the bar Maria and Javier would help her with whatever they could but she never accepted money from them she had t even cashed the check Eddie had send him she kept in in a drawer with the letter Eddie had sent to her months ago.Even when she needed the money she never touched it .

When it got time to pay it came out more than she had counted. She checked her wallet twice, maybe three times but she didn't have enough .

She discreetly looked back at the long line and was embarrassed to ask to take some

Things off ..She took a deep breath in and out.She looked at the groceries and thought what would she take out .

Diapers she needed

Baby formula she needed

Wipes she needed.

"I-I don't have enough." She whispered to the cashier who rolled her eyes because she was going to have to take some things out .Deb took out some of the groceries and paid for what she needed the most and pushed the shopping cart with her baby on it out of ten grocery store .She wipe the tears in her eyes discreetly .She knew this was only temporary and things would get better for her and her son.

Deb stopped and looked at Eddie's van .Dave the mechanic had called her two months after Eddie was gone saying that she never picked up the van that he called the number he was given and nobody answered until he was able to contact her .Deb paid for the service and had the van parked outside the bar for months until her car broke down one night and stop working that's when she started using his van .The only reminder she had of Him ..

She opened the back door and put her son's car seat in, securing it and putting her groceries bags inside .She was about to close the doors when saw someone coming up to her .It was a man around her age or maybe a few years older than her pretty tall and really handsome ..Deb walked over to drivers side of the van to get in ignoring the man .She turned on the van and the ac on .When there was A knock on the window ..

Deb lowered the window to see the handsome stranger smiling at her .

"Hi." The Handsome stranger smiled .

"How can I help you ?" Deb asked him.His voice sounded familiar but she didn't know from where .

"I saw you left these groceries behind back there so I thought you might need them so I paid for them ." The man told Deb ..

Deb gasped and instantly started crying. I guess it was her breaking point.

She opens the door and the man moves to the side .Deb caught him by surprise when she hugged him.

"You don't even know me ."

She said "thank you ." She cried into the stranger's arms .

"Hey it's ok ." The man hugged her back feeling she really needed the hug .Deb pulled away feeling embarrassed by what she did and pulled away .

"I'm sorry ," she whispered." Feeling shy

"It's ok ."

"Thank you so much" She smiled

"You need help putting the groceries in the van?"he asked .

"You don't have to, you have already done so much."

"I honestly don't mind."He smiled at her .

"So rude of me im Deb." Deb introduced herself to the handsome stranger .

"Sean ."

Next chapter

Sean is played by Jensen Ackles my other love

The tattoo Eddie and Deb did

[momdiaries]

04/23/2024

FYI: Scattered brain thoughts coming through on this post

This past week has been filled with all kinds of emotions. Last weekend, I felt the tension in my family grow. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I could feel the tension in the room. It seemed like it started with something so small. My parents had gone to the grocery store. Sometimes, they will buy extra snacks for my daughter. I do have to mention, I give money to chip in for groceries, but I also buy my own. This time, they had bought a bulk pack of cookies and my daughter asked who they were for. My mother said, “Oh they’re for you!” and without a pause, my dad snapped back and said, “No, its not JUST for you.” So I already knew, with something so small, we had to watch what we said. At that point, I pulled my daughter aside and told her not to worry about the cookies. If she wanted them, I would buy her some. That little incident made me think back.

When I was a kid, if there were snacks or any kind of food and we asked about them, the first response was always “well who bought them?” and of course my dad ALWAYS made sure we knew he bought the food so technically it belongs to him. Let me just say, if you are THAT parent, knock it off right now. Let’s think, who does it benefit when you try to make people feel so low? I’ll tell you, it sure as hell makes it look like you’re a complete dick and most likely…..you are. So Selfish, at that point, why did you become a parent if you knew you couldn’t share?

When I’m grocery shopping, I generally let my daughter pick all her snacks and now I hide them or put them somewhere where she only has access to them. I give her the choice to share when she’s happily eating them and she always shares.

So because of that incident, we went back to our rooms and just kept to ourselves most of that weekend. I think I mentioned it before, but we generally keep to ourselves anyways. All of our stuff is in our rooms, my work is in my room and my daughter likes to hang out because its one of the places she feels safe.

It’s funny because my parents hate that we keep to ourselves but when we come down to socialize, it turns into an argument somehow.

I’ll give you some examples, my dad likes to watch whatever on tv without being careful of the rating, there have been times where my daughter wanted to come downstairs but couldn’t because my dads watching two people doing something on tv. It infuriates me at how inconsiderate he is. They have a tv upstairs but would rather watch the big screen. It’s happened several times and my mom is aware and gets upset but still does nothing. So now I go downstairs first and then announce we’re coming down and my mom stops the tv. How sad is that?! If your wanting to watch something you know isn’t appropriate for the kids in the house, do that crap somewhere else.

Another example, this involves my mom, I used to bake for a side job to make extra money, I wasn’t super good and I’ll be honest I didn’t handle the business well because I didn’t think my skills were worth more, so I never really made money, I would just do it to expand my skills. Well one day my mom was having a full on fit about how dirty the house was and made me get rid of all of my things that couldn’t fit in my room. I donated everything, then literally, the moment I came back, she said sorry, but it was a baby sounded sorry, like oops, sorry for my mood swings. Well, its already too damn late, I got rid of everything…so who’s going to replace everything I donated? At that point, I’ve kept everything in my room. If it doesn’t fit, I get rid of what I don’t need to make room for the new.

So now when my parents want us to come out more…..why? why would we come out when they haven’t done much to make us feel like we can?

I know they are learning, because with all the crap they’ve done, they can’t say anything anymore. My dad tries, but he just looks like a fool. It makes no sense, especially since we haven’t done anything, literally. We keep to ourselves, keep our little area clean, and clean up after ourselves and still my dad tries to fight…WHY?! I haven’t killed anyone like one his other kid. I don’t do drugs and I don’t even drink. I’m a single parent working my ass off and trying to get as far as I can financially so I can take my daughter away from these toxic grandparents. I’m just patiently waiting for the day we can leave and never come back.

I’ve had a lot on my brain and right now this is all I could get out. I’ll probably post another scattered brain post with more. I have a lot I need to get out and I’m trying to put everything in some kind of order, but its tough to control chaos.

Anyways. I started reading more, although I can’t read actual books since I put myself to sleep, I’ve been listening to books. I hope that counts lol.

[meanwhileinstasiville]

So I posted a long idea on Facebook, something I rarely do

And it's about openness rather than "being too boring" like Scott Adams the Dilbert guy suggested in one of his books. Me, I've been under a lot of microscopes federal and otherwise over the course of my life (since I was three or so and left a wiretapped phone off the hook).

So I can go back a lot. I'm solitary and anhedonic and have been since ever. I don't really have friends in the sense that, on the one hand, it was like being heterosexual kids first girlfriend. And OTOH, it was like my definition of friendship barely made it past acquaintance from stranger at school levels for my few friends.

I had a friend who's dad didn't think I was worthy of knowing him, who was connected to Chicago and government types, and thought also that my dad was Russian state security or something (don't ask).

I had two different friends who were analogs of the kids of a grocery manager down the road from my childhood home. (A fact I was well aware of) Also including these bizarre out of nowhere pass through non sequitur comments.

A scotsman who was pretty sure I'd shot someone when I was little after his parents, long story, told him not to play first person shooters in front of me. He's doing a stomp dance thing in my middle school age bedroom. Then, this other time, he's showing me how he can hold his breath and press his lungs while standing from doubled over "to black out". 300lb guy collapsing and I bet they heard that at either neighbors house (both neighbors known quantities to me even back then). He's speculating on behalf of someone else by making a guess and check noise. Twice.

A someone-suspected-mass-shooter, eventually expelled from an abundance of caution, connected loosely to the Italian diaspora. He wants to sleep in a hay bale fort the first time I stay over (vicariously trying to asthma kill me right out of the gate). He's asking about "the refrains from songs", Buffalo Springfield theorizing, does aikido rolls over the coffee table in front of his couch, and has this spooky reference pool like my Sicilian relatives are hiding in the curtains in his house or something (ask, but you don't want to know). "in varied forms" he comes to refer to a short list of our conversation topics by phone and otherwise. Because I'm trying to get to the bottom of this stack of coincidences so deep it feels like visiting a theme park. And he, curiosity peaked, is trying to reconcile what people are telling him so emphatically about me, with substance of our interactions. Because he's Italian. "Well if you slept with him..." about phil and what happened at shop n kart which was near the end of our interactions; presuming me gay. Following up with "don't try to kill yourself, don't become an alcoholic or something" because I had at that time, lived with about the opposite of a support system.

And I regularly got punished for both knowing how the systems worked, and also for having the problems that getting punished for knowing how a system works, causes.

Abraham Lincoln was the basis for my youngest friend fyi, because "have I not destroyed my enemy..." against the collective opinion of our respective parents.

And *I did* try to shoot my mom with a revolver when I was all of two because "don't eat that; you'll ruin your dinner". A fact and a part of my character that's never changed, and a fact I have to bear in mind *every time* someone finds a way to antagonize me.

Duck season, rabbit season, my dad said was life; the guy who doesn't know, the guy who knows, and the guy who thinks he knows.

[paleclementine]

that last update is all and exactly what I've been doing for the past three weeks. Starving, going to class, and trying to be okay.

Winter depression doesn't have me beat quite yet, but it's a battle every day. I've been tracking the weather and it's been grey for SIX DAYS, and snowy right before that. being trapped in by all these mountains is grueling, to say the least. Classes are less boring this year. I actually have to go to them; I can't tell if that makes it better or worse. All of my professors are pretty cool though.

Roommate situation is at both an all time low and an all time high (besides the brief party phase when no one knew each other). I don't cower in my room like I used to... for the most part. If I need something, I'm more inclined to just go out there and grab it or make some really quick food. They're really annoying though and most certainly hate me. I had a whole potato soup making vs unplanned party/rager/bacchanal moment that ended in jimena apologizing to me, then never acknowledging my existence after that, so like.. make of that what you will.

folded and decided to come home for spring break. I don't feel up to a washington trip. It's just too much. Besides, I really want to go with dad to the fall out boy concert and watch AOT with him. I want to go shopping with my mom. I want to sit in bed with hailey while she rants about people I don't know. I want to avoid playing roblox with caleb... lol. nah I want to get ice cream with him. I do miss my family. It's hard to be home, but it's also hard to be here. A break will be direly needed by the time the depths of this winter are somewhat shallowing.

The diet is going well. I probably weighed about 115-117 last time I posted, and now I'm 110.6 (four of those pounds lost within the past week because I am hashtag starving myself). I'm doing a liquid fast. I hope I can keep it up until weigh day on monday. I don't care if it's unhealthy that I'm speedrunning this thing; I've never been skinny in my life. Consider it me making up for lost time.

Anthony has been sweet-- and this is an and, not a but-- winter is also taking its toll on him. he's done really good with going to his classes and doing homework but i can tell he's very dreary of it all. I don't blame him. I've reacted worse. This hanger+cabin fever has turned me into a monster at worst and a jerk at best. I've snapped at him way too much and I feel bad about it. I decided im going to start eating earlier in the day and meeting up with him later rather than just waiting to eat dinner with him bc waiting makes it worse.

There's something strangely luxurious about going out and walking through the aisles of stores these days. i daydream about smith's, bath and body, five below, winco, homegoods, tj maxx. Is it a respite from the cold or a longing for something unnameable? A life outside of my own that exists in the comfort of the material? will i ever live a life where walking down those aisles becomes not a spectacle but a grocery list of candles, blankets, leggings, soaps, and deli meat?

winco fried chicken is really good-- just fyi.

[jumblejen]

We Were Always Going to End Up Together

Suptober 22, Day 28: Animal

On AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42237885/chapters/117106816

(Or read from the beginning: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42237885/chapters/106051008)

Dean and Cas ended up moving into a two-story house, five bedrooms and two full baths, a decent basement and a gorgeous kitchen. It was closer to Bobby’s garage than the farmhouse, but still outside of the hustle and bustle of town, on the dead end of a quiet street with the right amount land that Cas could play gardener instead of worrying about being a farmer. While Dean had been the one to spot it as he endlessly scrolled the local online listings. Gabriel took credit for it anyway as he had helped complete the sale of the farmhouse so that the timing lined up for the new house to be even more perfect. Cas and Dean let him have the credit, since they cared more about how much they both loved the property than whatever story Gabriel spun.

In the few months since the blowup with Sam, Dean had made some kind of peace with their falling out. He’d shed almost all of the guilt and accepted it had been all things that needed to be said, and he’d adjusted to not having Sam be part of his daily life. Dean had agonized over how to tell Sam about the fact that he’d left both the apartment and the farmhouse without making it seem like all was forgiven, until Jo had the simplest suggestion of mailing Sam a postcard with the new info. Dean still hadn’t heard anything from Sam, and he hadn’t blocked his number or anything. But a postcard said ‘here is information you should have’ but not ‘I am opening up the lines of communication as if nothing happened’. Dean picked out the blandest postcard he could find and scrawled the new address, ‘FYI’ and his name before mailing it. Never let it be said that Dean cut his brother off or left him to think Dean had just skipped town or something.

It was June before they knew it, settling into the new place and getting used to the changes to their routines. Overall, moving in together hadn’t created any giant waves in their relationship. Dean relished curling up in bed every night with Cas. They were steadily unpacking and deciding what to do with all the bedrooms. While there were five bedrooms, most of them weren’t particularly large. The biggest they used as their own bedroom, of course. It was on the ground floor with an en suite bathroom and a shower big enough for two. They set aside one room as a permanent guest room for anyone who needed to crash there for a night. Another room became an office for Cas to use on his online projects or whatever he was working on. The others they weren’t immediately sure about what to do with, so they became de facto storage so they weren’t constantly surrounded by boxes in the other areas of the house.

The official first day of summer was rapidly approaching, though still a couple of weeks away. Dean was still getting used to the area. The new place was in a different enough part of town that he was still working on figuring out the best store for produce and meat, the best takeout, the best shop for last-minute necessities, the best baked goods (especially pie). Dean was enjoying cooking more and really making the kitchen a space he could work comfortably in. His apartment kitchen had been dismally small, and the farmhouse had really been too much Cas’ for Dean to feel like he could do whatever he wanted. Cas had made it clear in the new place that he very much on board with Dean taking charge of that space. It was quickly becoming his favorite room to unwind in after work.

At the local grocery store, Dean was comparing the relative appeal of a head of broccoli versus a head of cauliflower when he heard a soft “Oh” behind him. Dean looked up to find an awkward Sam nervously fiddling with the basket over his arm, clearly unsure if he should stay or go. Dean met Sam’s eyes evenly, his expression neutral.

Sam cleared his throat. “Uh. Hi. Dean, hi. It’s uh… it’s good to see you, man.”

“Sam,” returned Dean.

“So I, uh, was surprised to see you on this side of town. I mean, I didn’t expect…”

“Cas and I bought a place near here. I sent you my new address.”

“Yeah, I got the postcard. Just didn’t really put it together I guess.”

“Okay.” Dean decided on not deciding and placed both heads in his cart. They could have them together or on separate days. He still hadn’t heard an apology from Sam though, and while he’d mellowed about the fight itself, he hadn’t forgotten it at all. He shook his head and started to push his cart farther down the wall of veggies.

“Dean, wait. Please.”

Dean stopped and looked at Sam, not saying anything.

“I’m sorry Dean,” Sam said in a rush. “I’ve thought about picking up the phone or coming by Bobby’s so many times. And I could never figure out what I’d say so I chickened out every time. And I still don’t really know what to say exactly. But…I am sorry Dean. I was such an ass and I should never have said any of it. I shouldn’t have even entertained those thoughts. They were garbage. You never deserved that. Neither did Cas. And if I ever have the chance, I will definitely apologize to him. Please. I hope you can believe me. I’m so sorry Dean.”

Dean didn’t respond immediately. It was almost a shock to have Sam actually say the words after all these months. “Thank you,” he managed. “Just to clarify. What about Benny?”

Sam flushed and he looked at his feet. “I’m sorry for Benny too. I can’t say I’m ever gonna love the guy, but looking back. He never actually did anything wrong, did he?”

“No he didn’t.”

Sam nodded. “I can’t ever fix what I did, you know, with Benny the first time. I’d take it back, I really would. And Cas…I just don’t know what to say. Him just existing seemed to be enough for me to decide dating him was a bad idea.”

“Looks like you’ve been thinking about things.”

“I have Dean. And I’m still working on it.” Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “Not sure you know this, but I saw Gabriel in March and he, uh. Well, he said some things that really made me reassess where I was coming from.”

“I heard.”

“Good. I guess. Uh, yeah.”

The two of them stood awkwardly, Dean attempting to adjust to the fact that Sam actually seemed to understand the depths to which he messed up. It wasn’t a magic spell though; just say ‘I’m sorry’ and all is back to normal. This was just the first step before he could even consider forgiving Sam and inviting him back into his life. Even then, Dean doubted things could ever go back the way they had been before. He wasn’t sure he wanted that at this point.

“Look, Dean. It really is good to see you. And I’m sorry I didn’t reach out before randomly running into you. I apologize for my outburst at the Roadhouse. I apologize for how I’ve treated you, especially at brunch in January, and hassling you about your job. I was wrong. Really wrong. And I know you always took care of me and all, but I guess I hadn’t thought about how that impacted you. It’s a thing I took for granted, and that’s not okay. And I want to make it up to you, and Cas and… and Benny. But…can we try? To reconnect, I mean? I don’t expect things to be the same, but I miss you. You’re my big brother.”

Dean considered for a minute. It was easy to see the six-year-old saying sorry for getting so muddy Dean would have to see if he could find enough quarters to wash his clothes before school the next day, even though Sam knew Dean was supposed to be studying and the laundromat closed in an hour. But that was the thoughtlessness of children. It was also easy to see the man who belittled and shouted at him for choices that Dean made freely and would make again. It was hard to reconcile the fact that they were the same person, and yet it was painfully absolute that they were, and that Sam was a grown-up, and that Dean didn’t deserve any of it.

But Sam was still Dean’s brother, and he seemed to be making a genuine effort. “You can text me. If you want.”

“Great.”

“But it isn’t like it was. And I’m not promising anything. But. Yeah, man. We can try.”

 “Great. Well, then. Bye, Dean.” Sam walked away, not looking back.

Dean followed him with his eyes as he put the basket back in the stack and exited the store. He hadn’t bought anything. Thinking about it, Sam hadn’t had anything in the basket to begin with. And why on earth was Sam all the way on this side of town? There were plenty of places to get groceries nearer his own place.

Dean turned his focus back to the produce section. He still needed potatoes and onions and those little red and yellow peppers that Cas liked to snack on endlessly. And carrots for the pot roast. And the roast for the pot roast. He pushed his cart in somewhat of a daze in search of root vegetables.

Then it hit him and he stopped in his tracks. Sam hadn’t accidentally run into him here. Sam had seen Baby in the parking lot and decided to come in and talk to Dean. Maybe he’d been haunting this side of town, hoping to see him. Maybe he’d been stalking Dean like an animal. Maybe it was pure coincidence. But either way, Dean hadn’t been visible from the doors when Sam walked in. There was nothing in the basket. And as much as Sam said he didn’t manufacture their meeting, Dean didn’t buy it. He knew that kid too well.

Dean smiled. Well, that actually made things a little better if Sam had forced this thing. It meant he had found the courage to do the right thing and apologize. He was impressed that the only thing Sam had asked for was for Dean to allow him to stay in touch. That was small, and nothing like the conditions Sam had tried to insist on with his apologies in the past. His brother might actually be trying to change; might be trying to be a better person who Dean could have in his life. He couldn’t wait to tell Cas.

[yournameoverandover]

paralyzed by the knowledge that whatever choice i have to make it will be the wrong one

[archivallyfound09]

Request: That's a Problem?

Request: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x SingleMom! Reader fic.

Author's note: So glad this was requested. FYI, no kiddos on my end, didn't want something super traumatic, so just nice and fluffy! Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: None

Part 2: Click Here!

You sighed and looked at your watch. You had about 25 minutes until the daycare was going to start calling, so you picked up your pace down the cereals and breakfast bars aisle. After throwing a few things in your cart and marking them off your list, you turned the corner and spotted that oh-so-familiar pattern of naval aviators. You rolled your eyes, forever annoyed about their invasion of your hometown and started to turn around the endcap, heading up the next aisle.

You heard the loud chatter behind you and looked over your list towards the group. Now they they were closer, you realized they looked old for Top Gun and also very young for instructors. You shrugged and stared ahead at the massive wall of poptarts. You grabbed one and started walking away, wishing for just a moment of silence by yourself for today.

You hasty exit was noticed by one of the pilots. He watched you walk down the end of the aisle and turn, hoping to catch your eye. When he didn't, he doubled back (much to the chagrin of his troop).

"Oh come ON Rooster! We have to get back soon. If we're late, they'll never let us out of here." You heard a female voice ring out clearly above the droning of the speaker system in the grocery store (you were offended at the early 2000's pop/punk they were playing- it wasn't THAT old).

"I know, relax Phoenix! We're here for like a month. They can't kick us out." You heard the man's voice much closer to you as you made your way down towards the wall of gummy snacks. You were trying not to eavesdrop as you desperately tried to remember the right flavor to grab.

"Personally, I'm a fan of the dinosaur ones," the voice caused you to jump and grab your cart in surprise. The same voice you had earlier was now attached to a body standing directly in front of you. Unlike the rest of the group out on a field trip, this pilot was wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a tanktop under it and cut of jean shorts. You gave him a once over as you laughed nervously.

"Sorry," he apologized, hands up and taking a step back, "didn't mean to startle you. Just didn't want you to fall for the allure of the sharks and fish- they always taste stale." You quirked an eyebrow and let out another small laugh.

"You're quite the gummy snacks connoisseur, aren't you?" He beamed, letting out a laugh and nodding. You looked thoughtfully and then reached out, grabbing the dinosaur fruit gummies from a shelf that forced you on your tiptoes. Your cheeks got hot as you felt his eyes drift over your body in an appreciating way.

"Those are the ones. I'm Bradley, by the way." He held out a hand and you shook it, introducing yourself. He smiled and let your name dance across his tongue. You felt your face get hot again as he chuckled.

"So do you work for the gummy dinosaur folks?" You got a deep laugh and a headshake.

"Nah, I wish. We're all Navy pilots returning back for...." he trailed off, suddenly aware that he was nowhere near the rest of the crew. He looked back to you and you could see that he was torn. "I'm sorry. I have to catch them for a ride. I'll see you around?" You nodded and waved him off as you continued to shop.

You held up the box of gummies and laughed. "You better be worth it" you thought as you tossed them back in the cart.

--------

About a week later, you were grateful you had been able to secure a babysitter for the evening. You had set up on another date and, while you weren't entirely looking forward to that, you were looking forward to a night without children's programming and the millions of "why" questions that were a new favorite.

You were heading towards a bar and immediately you groaned. He had sent you an address, but hadn't given you the name. You looked at The Hard Deck and sighed. "You better be worth this," you mumbled, walking inside. It was busier than you expected this early on a Thursday. You checked your watch. You were running about 30 minutes early.

As you took a seat at the bar, you ordered a beer, wanting to play it safe. Also, the look the bartender gave a girl a few seats down when she asked for a "Sex on the Beach" was enough to get you to stick to bottles of beer all night.

You looked around and saw a LOT of uniformed folks. You smiled, remembering the crew you had seen the week prior and laughing about the advice. It had been sound advice- your little guy had LOVED the dinosaurs. In fact, it had started a whole dino obsession in the house.

You were broken out of your thoughts by someone vaguely yelling in your direction. You eyes scanned around the bar and you finally found the source of the noise. Practically running from the pool table was Bradley (Bradley, right?) and he was waving at you. You finally deciphered what he was yelling:

"Dino snacks! How's it goin?!" He laughed and sat down next to you at the bar, his smile beaming. "Never thought I'd see you in my neck of the woods." You laughed and took a swig of your beer.

"You're just as surprised as I am....I'm supposed to be meeting a date here." Bradley scanned the room and shrugged.

"I don't see him here, mind if I just hang out?" You smiled and were about to invite him to stay when you heard the same group start to yell for him back at the pool tables.

"Come ON, Rooster! It's your game!"

"Yeah, Roost- get over here so I can kick your ass!"

"Rooster, you owe me 20 bucks!"

You quirked an eyebrow and took a swig of your drink. "Rooster, eh?"

His cheeks turned red and he rubbed the back of his neck, "Ehm, yeah. Long story- I'll be back!" You waved him on and mouthed 'Sorry!' to the few members of the crew that looked at you. You checked your watch and stared expectantly at the door.

-----

After an hour (and a few beers and texts, and calls), you sighed, waving the bartender over to close your tab. She gave you a sad smile and walked back with your card and receipt. You grabbed the pen off the bartop and signed, shaking your head. Being stood up was a new phenomenon and you couldn't wait to hear the bullshit excuses when he dared reach out again.

You had barely stood up from the stool, when something caught your arm. It was Bradley-Rooster-whatever his name was. You smiled sadly and shook your head.

"You're kidding me...." he trailed, and you shook your head, a pang of embarrassment and disappointment hitting you squarely in the chest. It was bad enough that it had happened- it was worse that this very attractive pilot had noticed and now was talking to you out of pity.

"What an ass." You were brought out of your thoughts by his comment and you nodded in a agreement. "But," he continued, "I guess that leave you free for tonight?" You noticed the bit of hope in his voice as you looked over the pilot again. Another Hawaiian shirt, the same sunglasses as last week in their pocket, a crooked grin on his face, and his messy hair clearly blown about by being on the beach today.

You glanced down at your watch. "For the next two hours, I technically am. But I've got a hard stop." Rooster nodded and looked at his own watch, pushing a few buttons.

"Hard stop. 9pm." he looked up at you with a goofy grin, "is that an escape strategy so you don't get stuck with me all night?" You laughed and placed an arm on his forearm.

"Something like that," you said more to yourself than to the really attractive man in front of you. You then realized he was still holding a pool cue. He picked it up and shook it, raising an eyebrow.

"Can I interest you in a game?" You laughed and shook your head, walking past him.

"No, but I'll kick your ass in darts."

-------

You hadn't realized how desperately you missed this. Rooster had introduced you to the rest of his group simply as "Dino Gummies" and, as you shook each of their hands, you corrected that, trying to remember everyone's callsigns.

You had been right- you kicked Rooster's butt a few times in darts. Pool was a bit more difficult but two of the other pilots (Coyote and Bob? Maybe?) had been helpful in teaching you how to hold the cue and set your aim. What resulted was a lot of missed shots and laughing.

You had just made a particularly bad shot when you heard a beeping noise. You looked over to Rooster and you saw his face fall like someone had just hit him in the gut. You handed your pool cue to Bangman (?) and immediately stood near the crestfallen pilot. He looked up at you with big, puppy-dog eyes and pointed to his watch.

"It's 9," he said quietly and you felt your heart drop. You checked your own watch, hoping his was wrong. You sighed and announced your departure. You waved to the group and there were a variety of goodbyes and waves that followed.

Rooster was glued to your hip as he walked you out through the bar and towards the parking lot. "I'm really glad you came out tonight," you nodded in agreement, taking his hand as you walked to your car.

"Me too. Thanks for turning this night around." Rooster nodded and looked down at his feet, closing the area between you. Throughout the evening, there had been stolen glances at each other, hands grazing each other, and, at one point, you had backed into Rooster and he started running his hands up and down your arms mindlessly as you watched another round of pool.

You saw his eyes flicker from your eyes to your mouth and back, his tongue sticking out a bit to wet his bottom lip. You felt warm as you realized his hands were still holding yours. You saw the tiniest bit of hesitation and you squeezed his hands, leaning forward and pressing your lips to his.

He eagerly returned the kiss and wrapped his arms around your frame. You were surprised at the softness of his lips and giggled internally at the brush of his moustache. He slipped his tongue past your lips and you allowed him entrance, letting out a tiny moan of approval.

The two of you broke apart moments later, both smiling. This wasn't exactly your normal M.O. at all, but he was different. You sighed and held out your hand, quirking an eyebrow. Rooster looked at you confused and you motioned to his pants pocket. After a moment of stumbling, he figured out what you meant and handed you his phone.

"Feel free to send any recommendations my way," you winked, handing back the phone. Rooster smiled and nodded, pressing a quick, chaste kiss to your lips. You smiled and then got into your car, realizing quickly that you were going to have to pay your babysitter a bit extra for tonight.

-----

Your phone buzzed as you collapsed onto the couch.

Hey. It's Bradley. Rooster, from the bar and the dinosaurs. :)

You laughed and then saw a picture message come through. You groaned and prayed it wasn't one of those images. You were ready to get ticked at Rooster when the image loaded and you saw your purse- sitting on the barstool you had left it on. You patted your pockets and felt your wallet (you had paid the babysitter more after she left) and groaned.

Hey, that's mine. Shit. Sorry. I'll get it tomorrow.

You squeezed the bridge of your nose and sighed. You hadn't been thinking the clearest and now would have to run in before work and you'd have to drop the little guy off early which would mea-. Your phone buzzed.

Nope. Send the address. Already on my way.

You looked impressed at your phone and then sent your address. The headache this was saving was amazing. And, you realized quickly thereafter, you'd get to see your new cute pilot friend.

----

It seemed like no time had passed when there was a knock at the door. You popped your head out to see a grinning Bradley on your doorstep, purse in hand. You laughed and held out your hand.

"I'm not sure it fits your aesthetic..." he laughed and handed it to you. The two of you chatted quietly and you found your hand entwined with his. You heard a noise behind you and gently dropped his hand, cursing inwardly. This was exactly what you didn't want to happen tonight...

Rooster looked at you concern lacing his features, "Everything okay?" You opened your mouth to reassure him that it was nothing that he had done or said, when you felt a small tug at your shorts. Both you and Rooster looked down to see a very sleepy little boy, dressed in shark pajamas.

You froze, almost afraid to look up at Rooster, half-expecting him to launch himself off your porch and run screaming into the night. You gently placed a head behind your little one's head and sighed, ready to scoop him up and head in, putting him back in his bed. Instead, you were beat to the punch.

"Hey buddy," Rooster said quietly, crouching down and extending a hand. "I'm Rooster. I came to bring your mom's bag back. She left it when she came home to see you." He looked up at you, brown eyes filled with nothing but adoration. You saw a small hand jut out and become engulfed in Rooster's hand. He smiled and shook it.

"...like the bird?" the small voice chirped next to you. You land Rooster both laughed, him standing up.

"You bet bud, just like the bird," he smiled at you and you scooped up the little on in your arms, now standing in the doorframe. He laughed and you leaned in, your eyes trained on Rooster.

"This is the guy that suggested the new gummies..." you turned a quick glance to the now astonished one in your arms and laughed.

"THE DINOSAURS?!"

Both you and Rooster laughed again, Rooster nodding. "The best, right?" You watch the yawn pass over the little face next to you as you hiked him up in your grip.

"How about you head to bed and tomorrow, we can talk to your mom and see if we can find even better gummy snacks?" Rooster looked hesitantly at you as you put him down, patting his butt to get him back in the house.

"Bye 'ooster!" you chuckled as you saw a wave in the darkened house. You turned back to the man facing you- he was absolutely beaming. You smiled, rubbing your neck and shaking your head.

"Is this why you had to bolt at 9?" You nodded sheepishly and then signed, your hand dropping back down to your side.

"I don't generally go out on dates- or bring them home- with him. He's my priority and- and it's usually a problem," you finished lamely. Rooster laughed and took both of your hands in his.

"That's a problem? Are you kidding? A super cool kid who likes the same snacks as me and he's got a drop-dead gorgeous mom who likes to kiss me? That's a win-win in my book, baby." Rooster winked at you and you caught his lips again in yours, the nickname not going unnoticed.

You two were broken apart by the scream of "MOMMMMM" from inside the house. You laughed and pecked his cheek and headed inside, closing the door quietly with Rooster waving on the other side. As you headed up the stairs, you felt your phone buzz and you looked down, smiling and laughing to yourself.

Save some of those gummies for me. See you tomorrow :)

-----

Part Two

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[beyondspaceandstars]

A Simple Housewife

Relationship: Mob!Bucky Barnes x Reader AU Warnings: non-graphic violence, angst Summary: Mob!AU - A new member starts getting too friendly with you one night, forcing Bucky to show a side of himself you’ve never seen before. And possibly never want to see again.  A/N: in my list of favorite AUs right under soulmate!au is mob!au........idk why i can’t explain it but I love it it’s such good content. and i realized well i can contribute to it as a genre so here I am lmao. (also, for reference, the work contains college-age peter parker - i aged him up fyi)

Masterlist

You liked how you two worked as a team. Bucky liked to hold meetings at your home, and you liked to host them. It was an unspoken agreement every time he’d come home and rattle off who was going to be around the next night.

These instances always sent you into a frenzy, but a good kind of frenzy. It gave you something to do. While a simple housewife per your husband’s request, these events meant you could fill your days planning menus, table settings, wine pairings, grocery shopping… It was therapeutic in some ways and even nicer knowing it would be appreciated.

His men loved to fawn over your perfectly cooked food or premium hand-picked wine and you simply adored it. While it sometimes rubbed Bucky the wrong way seeing you all giggly over compliments from other men, he typically let it slide. It was never very serious and certainly never went beyond sweet comments. You embraced your hosting duties while pretending to ignore the conversations that would go on in the next room after the meal, much to Bucky’s content.

The night had started like any other. Bucky came home the previous day and told you there was going to be a meeting tomorrow night and to expect to host ten of his men. That seemed like such a smaller crowd than he normally had over, so you inquired, curious.

"Only ten?" You asked, already rushing to grab your pen and paper for the planning.

Bucky nodded, leaning against the counter. "Yeah, we’ve got someone new coming on and I don’t want to overwhelm him."

"A new guy?" Your eyes lit up. "You mean someone who hasn’t tasted my lasagna?"

Your husband couldn’t hold back the chuckle at your innocent awe. Moments like these made him wonder how someone so warm could ever deal with someone like him. 

You weren’t totally clueless about his career, you knew at least a general description of what he did for a living, but, on the other hand, you hadn’t ever seen it. You roughly knew there were… multiple sides to him but those all seemed so distant, so pointless, at the time. In this home, with you, he was just Bucky. Your Bucky. Your husband. The one who showered you with love and appreciation.

"Yes, doll," your husband confirmed. "There’s someone who hasn’t had your famous lasagna."

"Wonderful!" You clapped and started writing out the menu. "Are there any requests? I certainly don’t want to mess anything up. God forbid the new guy thinks I’m a bad host or something."

You heard Bucky sigh as you continued making your notes. A hand came to your shoulder softly, halting your actions. You turned to face your husband, who was looking down at you with a soft smile, easing your worries nearly completely.

"Everything is going to be just fine," he said, placing a loving kiss on your forehead. You helplessly melted into the touch. "There’s nothing to worry about."

***

You were running around the kitchen like a mad man when Bucky came home the next night with a couple of men already following behind. He called out to greet you like some cheesy sitcom entrance. You force yourself to halt your panic, knowing it was in your best interest to go greet him and the first guests. Smoothing out your apron, you double-checked nothing would explode in flames upon your absence and made your way to the foyer.

"Hi, honey," you smiled as your eyes landed on your well-dressed, sophisticated-looking husband. For all the time spent together, he never did fail to make you swoon simply by just standing there.

"Hey, doll." Bucky matched your smile and gave you a kiss on the cheek knowing you would stress even more if he dared to smudge your lipstick.

When you two parted, your eyes wandered over your husband’s shoulder to the two men standing in front of the door. The one staring at you two exchanging welcomes you recognized right away as your husband’s right-hand-man Steve. Ever so strong and important looking.

But the boy standing next to Steve was a mystery. He was a bit smaller than them both but still had some height on you. This didn’t take away, though, from this timid look. He gazed around your home seeming so in awe of it all. He didn’t realize you were staring at him until Steve nudged him.

Bucky picked up on your curiosity and immediately jumped into introductions. Motioning towards the boy, "This is Peter. He’s the new member I was telling you about."

"Oh, of course," You smiled, outstretching your hand. Peter accepted the shake, a little on the enthusiastic side. "Very nice to meet you."

"It’s very nice to meet you too, Mrs. Barnes." The boy responded, holding slightly too much eye-contact, but you couldn’t blame him.

Your hands disconnected and you chuckled at the formalities, waving a hand in dismissal. You told him to call you by your first name. "The whole misses thing feels so serious," you insisted.

Peter just smiled, a twinkle in his eyes almost. He seemed to relax at your casualness. After the introductions, you led the men into the front room, offering up drinks and hors d’oeuvres. They helped themselves as you started to make your way back to the kitchen. For some reason, you decided to look back at the group. Your eyes met Peter’s immediately. The other men didn’t seem to notice, engrossed in some conversation as they poured their beverages. You simply smiled at the boy and headed back to the food.

It wasn’t too long after the first arrivals that the rest of the members started arriving. You didn’t have time to personally greet them all but Bucky assured you that was never necessary. You two had your own things to run, he liked to joke.

With everything places — food, silverware, centerpieces — you called the men into the dining room. They oohed and awed at the spread of lasagna, bread, veggies… All food groups were represented, you thought. As predicted, they began praising you for the meal as if it was the first time in their life that they’d ever eaten and it made you giggle. These were some of the toughest people you’d ever known and yet a simple baking dish of pasta and sauce could amaze them.

Once everyone was seated and digging in, you took your seat at the other end of the table, directly across from Bucky. As you began passing around the bread, you surprisingly found Peter sitting next to you.

"They made you sit down at this end?" You asked, handing him the breadbasket. Usually, the members dreaded sitting near the wife. While they were all so kind, in moments like these, they’d rather be at the other end looking so important.

"New guy," Peter shrugged, taking a piece of bread and moving it along.

"I thought this meeting was, like, for you," you said, cutting into the slice of lasagna one of the other men were so kind to serve you.

"No," he shook his head, beginning to eat. "At least that’s not how Mr. Barnes described it. Doesn’t matter, though. It’s just nice to be here."

You smiled, delighted by his optimism, having not seen many new members in your time with Bucky. "I hope the foods okay. I got nervous when Bucky said there’d be someone new coming around."

Peter scoffed as if finding your worry crazy which eased your mind a little. He took another bite of food. "This is easily one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time."

"Thank you, Peter," you said, taking a sip of your wine. Peter copied your motion, looking at you above the wine glass rim as he sipped.

"You did everything, yeah?" He asked, holding his wine while motioning towards the tables and surroundings. "Foods, plates, all of it?"

You nodded, probably coming off a bit more eager than you should’ve, but you couldn’t help yourself. Sure, Bucky’s guests loved to compliment your cooking but no one ever acknowledged the other pieces put into the meal.

"I try to change the table setting every season," you said, "and I like the food to be seasonal, too. There are some lovely markets around and I just adore browsing them… Oh! And the centerpieces, I got the flowers there, too…"

Your rambling died down as you caught Bucky staring at you from the other end of the table. One guy was trying to talk his ear off but he seemed interested in your conversation. Curiously, you started eying your husband back as you picked at your food. His face held an unreadable expression but, eventually, his eyes left yours and were now more focused on the one sitting next to you.

Appearing oblivious, Peter continued the conversation. "Well, I think the flowers are a nice touch," he said. "Pretty flowers picked by a pretty girl."

Your heart skipped a little at that comment. You couldn’t ignore the fact it was quite bold. While you were away of the gazes you got sometimes and the possibility you were talked about behind the scenes but to say it here? At the dinner table? With your husband just in earshot?

But at the same time, you had to consider, he was nice and probably just trying to butter you up hoping for a good word put in with the bossman. There was no doubt people thought they could get to Bucky through you but, in reality, you didn’t stick your hands in any of it. Nope, you just married into it.

Not completely sure how to respond, you simply accepted the compliment, "Well, thank you. That’s very sweet."

Peter smiled at your words, looking a bit proud of himself. You turned back to your plate and tried to eat your meal in silence.

Once everyone was finished, the group started making their way out of the dining room. You shooed them, promising to be out with coffee in a bit.

You were deep into cleaning, having finally carried all the dishes from the dining room to the kitchen when someone entered.

At first, you didn’t explicitly hear them as the faucet was running heavy from your battle of scrubbing dishes. Suddenly, you could sense a presence right behind you at the sink. Turning around, you nearly jumped out of your skin as you came face-to-face with Peter, looking almost amused at scaring you. You were surprised and also… not surprised.

"Sorry," you let out a breathy chuckle. "I didn’t hear you come in."

"That’s okay," he said and motioned towards the dirty plates lining the counter. "Do you need any help?"

"Oh," you frowned. "Shouldn’t you be in the meeting with everyone else?

He shook his head, "Mr. Barnes doesn’t want to start until he’s had coffee."

"Well, you can let him know it’s brewing away," you said, trying to keep your tone serious as you could. You turned back to the sink, praying he got the hint.

He hadn’t, you realized, as Peter came around to stand at your side, leaning against the counter. He stood, arms crossed, watching you.

It was weird — actually, this entire situation was weird. You didn’t think anyone but you or your husband had been in this kitchen before let alone actually know where it was in your home.

Despite how odd you found it, the last thing you wanted to be was rude. You didn’t want to think about what could ensue from your husband losing a guy.

"It’s kind of sad, Mrs. Barnes," Peter crossed his arms, seemingly ignoring your previous request to call you by your first name. You glanced at him, confused. "You’re so kind to do all this and none of them even offer to help you clean up."

"Oh, no, It’s okay-,"

"It’s really sad," He repeated, completely cutting off your attempt at a defense. You frowned and went back to cleaning the plates, praying your attempt to ignore him would encourage him to walk out. There was a weird feeling growing in your gut.

"Such a pretty girl shouldn’t have to do so much," Peter said, softly. "It’s not fair to you."

And that’s when you felt it. His hand slowly came up to rest on your lower back. You immediately tensed under his touch, mind spinning. What the hell had you ended up in? Should you have tried harder to get him out? Gosh, but he seemed so harmless-

His hand started inching upward and then back down, creeping a little lower each time with the motion. With your stance frozen, all you could do was focus on the soapy water in the sink, unsure of your next move. He took the hesitance as a chance to close the gap between you two. A few more shifts and he could have you fully pressed against the sink.

But before you could even ponder about his next move, the swinging kitchen door busted open. You both flinched at the sudden noise but Peter didn’t seem to move. You looked over to find it was Bucky in the doorway, gun drawn and pointed directly at Peter.

Your heart sank when you saw the weapon. Sure, you knew there was weaponry stored in the home but you had never definitely seen it. You could sometimes make out outlines of guns in suit pockets but now you were on the other end of one. While it wasn’t meant for you, with your poor positioning, a single shot and you could be taken down. And by your husband-

"What the fuck are you doing?" Bucky finally spoke, never taking his eyes off the person nearly towering over you. The gun was very steady, just like his words. But everything else about him was unlike anything you’d ever witnessed before. His eyes were dark, his features so harsh. This felt like a man you had never seen before.

"We were just talking," Peter answered. His voice was casual but you could feel a slight tremor in his hand. Or maybe that was just your body shaking uncontrollably. You couldn’t tell. "I offered to help her clean up."

Bucky cocked the gun. "Get your hands off her."

"Honey," you spoke softly, your voice slightly cracking from the tears that were beginning to form. "Please put the gun down."

"Not until he gets his hands off you, doll."

"Bucky, please." He wouldn’t look at you. He was determined to look beyond you and it scared you to death.

"You have five seconds to back away from her," Bucky took a step closer. "Or I’ll be forced to mess up my girl’s lovely kitchen."

You gasped at the sharpness in his voice, the entire darkness of it all. You started begging under your breath, hoping whoever or whatever heard the helpless prayers.

Finally, after what felt like hours to you, Peter stepped away from you. You turned to look back at the copy water where your hands were still submerged. They shook as you removed them and you let out a breath you hadn’t even realized you were holding.

Regaining some composure, you backed away from the sink and turned to your husband. Bucky still had the gun pointed at Peter, completely focused on him. Slowly, you approached him, your hands raised as if surrendering. You just needed to get the gun put away and then you could run to your room for some solitude. Fuck the other people probably oblivious, just relaxing and joking in your front room. This was typical business for them, they probably encountered your husband’s dark demeanor day in and day out, but this was going to take a toll on you.

"Honey, his hands are off of me," you whispered, slowly tiptoeing closer. "Put down the gun."

"He put his hands on you, doll," Bucky was answering you but he somehow sounded so distant, so consumed. "I let someone into this house that was going to do God knows what to you."

"No, no," you shook your head and you meant it. You didn’t think Peter was totally malicious. Just someone with a crush, high off excitement in a new place. "I really don’t think he meant harm."

"You’re too kind," Bucky scoffed. "You’re too kind, too innocent, too naive-,"

He held the gun stronger, seemingly preparing to shoot any second now. You were at the end of your rope with the realization. The waterworks were flowering uncontrollably now.

"James," you said, anger breaking through the tears. He seemed to freeze ever so slightly at your usage of his first name. "You really want to do this in front of your wife?"

Something clicked. You could feel it, you knew it. He didn’t answer and instead slowly lowered the weapon, placing it on the counter. Your husband turned to you. Seeing his opportunity, Peter sped past you two out of the kitchen. Neither of you really registered it. You were staring at one another, watching each other even begin to realize what had happened.

Now you were actually clueless. Were you meant to talk about this? Or did you just deal with it in time? The silence was killer but all your mind could focus on was the coffee machine that had gone silent, telling you it was done brewing. It was such a stupid, random thing to even focus on but you felt like your brain would explode if gave anything else the time of day.

"The coffee is ready for your meeting," you said, pulling off your apron and throwing it on the counter. Bucky watched you as stormed out of the kitchen, looking completely stunned and equally clueless.

You sat at your vanity in the bedroom. Thankfully you were able to avoid the front room, having no desire for anyone to see you in with mascara running down your cheeks.

You furiously scrubbed off your make-up despite it already almost off from the tears. Your emotions were just all over the place at this point. You didn’t know if you were angry, surprised, sad…

Mostly, you realized, you felt dumb. You could parade around being a little housewife, pretending she lived a normal life with a normal husband who had a normal job but that just wasn’t it. That wasn’t your reality in this moment. As much as you knew what his career entailed, seeing it up close like that was a whole new level. You thought you knew. You thought you knew so much.

You were just finishing changing out of your dress when the bedroom door opened. In the mirror, your angry eyes met Bucky’s worried ones. He entered slowly, shutting the door behind him. Part of you was pleased with this situation. He chose to check on you, pausing his meeting, but at the same time, you didn’t know if you could deal with anyone right now.

"How are you doing?" He finally spoke up, voice cutting through the tension.

You scoffed, "I just saw my husband pull a gun on a person in our fucking home."

Bucky shook his head and made his way over to the bed, where he sat at the edge, facing you. He wanted to get at you for swearing but much worse things had happened tonight that he didn’t know the point in it. Bucky never wanted to bring anything like that home.

He didn’t take care of that kind of "business" in this house. The meetings were routine, typically check-ins, but any deals or assignments were handled off the premises in fear of something turning ugly. He just wanted to keep you from that ugly. His sweet, soft wife who got excited over making lasagna and picking apples at the farmer’s market was never meant to be thrown into any of this. Especially not in the kind of way that just went down.

"I didn’t mean for that to happen," Bucky said. You rolled your eyes and turned quickly in your chair to face him. He ignored your attitude. "He had his hands on you. He was practically on top of you. Do you understand that? Please tell me you understand how that would make me angry."

"God, Bucky, you pulled a gun on an unarmed person!" You exclaimed. "I understand you were upset, I completely get that, but what… What was that? Who was that?"

His head tilted, confused, questioning. You shook your head in disbelief. Did he not even realize the mode he went into? The whole other person he seemed to encompass in those few minutes?

"You… you weren’t yourself," you mumbled and averted your gaze to your fingers which were fidgeting, restless. "You were scary. Disconnected. I didn’t know that person."

Bucky didn’t say anything at first. He got up from the bed and walked over to where you were seated at your vanity. He crouched down, trying to get you to look at him. Your heart pounded furiously at his close presence.

"You shouldn’t have seen that," He said. "You shouldn’t have seen any of that, doll."

His hands came to grasp yours. You wanted to pull away but you weren’t fast enough. He gripped your hands firmly as if scared you were going to vanish. Your head was swimming with even more confusion as he avoided your questioning.

"Can you even explain yourself?" You asked, finally looking up at him. Bucky’s worry seemed to have melted away and was replaced by something you once again couldn’t put your finger on.

He shook his head. The grip on your hands got tighter. "You have to understand when things come up I must act accordingly."

You didn’t understand but you had to understand. You knew you did. He was right. While jarring, that other side of Bucky did exist out there and he was probably the reason he could be so successful. And while that was something you could work on accepting, you didn’t want to see it in your home.

But for now, you didn’t want to deal with it. Emotions for you both were running high and there was no telling what could come out of your mouth anymore. You’d come back to it and work it out. There was no way you could avoid it. You didn’t think you could ever be scrubbed clean of what you saw.

"Okay," you mumbled and felt his hold on your hands loosen. "Just… Please don’t bring your work home for the time being. We can discuss this in the morning."

Bucky nodded, running his hand from your hands to your shoulder, lovingly. He mumbled okay and you sighed in relief.

For a second you wanted to just sit there, engrossed in the comfort his touch was bringing, completely and fully enjoy that you had your Bucky back, but then your brain remembered the people downstairs.

"Oh, honey," you said, "the guys are probably waiting for you."

"No," Bucky’s head shook. "I sent them home. You’re more important."

You melted at the words. Yes. Confirmed. Your Bucky was back to you. The man you loved and gave everything. He was putting you first.

"You didn’t need to do that," you mumbled, bashfully. Bucky chuckled at your reaction.

"Of course I did," he insisted. "I was worried. I never wanted you to see that. You didn’t sign up for that."

"No, Bucky, I really didn’t," you shook your head.

He sighed, "And I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

You looked down again, suddenly worried you were putting too much guilt on him but at the same time, that felt silly to even consider. You weren’t sure anymore. The day was overwhelming as the minutes continued.

"Could we just go to bed now?"

Bucky removed his hands from your shoulders and stood, allowing you to get out of the chair and make your way to the bed, under the fluffy comforter. Your husband watched, waiting until you were comfortable.

"I’ve got a few phone calls to make but then I’ll come to bed, okay?"

You nodded, eyes shut already halfway into your dream world. You heard Bucky chuckle as he turned out the lights and shut the door quietly.

You lulled yourself to sleep, head still spinning from the earlier acts. The whiplash your husband gave you was starting to catch up but how much more could you think about it? It’d come back and you’d have to deal but for now, you could pretend. At least while you slept, you could go back to putting that distance between yourself and any side of Bucky that wasn’t husband Bucky. For just a bit, you could pretend you didn’t know so much.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

taglist note: i chose not to tag in this work b/c it is an AU and was unsure if people were comfortable with being tagged in such.

[handsomelyhiddleston]

The Cabin - Tom Hiddleston x Curvy Reader (Part 2/3)

Part 1

You woke up as the movie credits were scrolling. The kiddos were all still asleep strewn about the den. Looking at the clock, you realized it was about lunch time.

Walking into the kitchen, you saw Lisa sorting out the food that needed to go to the grill while one of Chris’ sisters was working on making some side dishes. “Anything I can help with?” You walked to the coffee maker to make a second cup of coffee.

“I think we’ve got everything sorted” Lisa answered. “Can you bring these out to the guys?” She was holding a large tin pan full of hot dogs, hamburgers, and veggie burgers.

“Of course.” You answered, holding your coffee in a way that let you grab the pan. “Do you mind opening the door?”

Chris’ sister hurried to the door, sliding it open.

“Thank you” you said, heading down the wooden deck to where the guys were sat by the grill.

“Look who’s awake” Chris teased, jogging to you to take the pan.

“I have to say, I needed that nap.” You laughed, following Chris to the grill.

“Are the kids still passed out?” Scott asked, watching you take a seat next to Tom. Chris started grilling the food.

“Yup” you answered. “I restarted the movie so they’d have the background noise.”

“Aren’t you cold?” Tom asked, seeing you were still in your fuzzy socks and sweater.

You shrugged, sipping your coffee. “I’m good for now. Anyone know what the plans are for the rest of the day?”

“Food. Probably hit the store in a bit. I think jetlag is gonna hit everyone harder than they think” Chris laughed.

“We should go get stuff for drinks after lunch” Scott suggested.

“I’m in. We should get a list from your mom of anything else she thinks we’ll need right away” you replied.

“Do you mind if I tag along?” Tom asked, looking between you and Scott.

“Of course, not” you answered, shivering a bit as the cold soaked through your sweater.

“Scott, can you go grab a pan for the cooked meat” Chris asked.

“Sure thing” Scott answered, getting up.

“Can you grab the blanket by the door?” you called out as he walked towards the cabin.

“God, do I have to do everything around here” Scott teased in a dramatic voice, making the rest of you laugh.

“Would you like my jacket?” Tom asked as you took another sip of your coffee.

You turned to look at him and shook your head no, a soft smile on your face.

When your gaze lingered a bit longer than one would call socially acceptable, Tom’s cheeks turned pink. “Do I have something on my face?”

You laughed. “No, you’re just…hear me out…like, if I were to write a perfect gentleman into whatever story I’m writing…I think that’s you…you check all of the boxes.”

Tom smiled and cleared his throat. “If I may ask, is that a compliment or are you trying to gently inform me that I’m incredibly boring.”

Chris let out a loud laugh, which prompted both of you to laugh. “I meant it as the highest compliment” you assured him.

“Well, in that case, I’m extremely flattered.” Tom replied, lifting his arm and prompting you to fill the small gap between the two of you. When you’d scooted against his side, he wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

When Scott returned, he tossed the blanket over both of your laps, going to stand by the grill with Chris. By the way they would take turns glancing back at you and Tom, you assumed they were talking about you.

“Chris mentioned that you do some sort of writing or consulting outside of your books.” Tom said, simply wanting to get to know you better.

You laughed, knowing that it drove Chris crazy not knowing what else you did for work. “Well, that’s accurate.”

“Is it safe to assume you won’t tell me what it is?” Tom smirked.

“I mean, never say never” you replied, looking up at Tom.

“Well, if I can’t know what else you do for work, what do you do for fun?” He continued, the two of you chatting until it was time to go inside to eat.

It felt good to have the cabin full of people. Chris’ family and a few of their family friends, including you and Tom, spent the next hour eating, laughing, and telling embarrassing stories about each other as you do when you’ve got the whole family together.

You were banished from the kitchen when you’d tried to help with the dishes. “You and the boys go do your shopping, we’ll clean up” Lisa said, handing you a short list and shooing you away.

“Now I know where Chris gets his stubbornness” you teased, hearing Lisa laugh as you left the kitchen.

You climbed the stairs, stopping at Chris and Tom’s rooms, both of them sitting in Chris’ room with Scott. “You guys ready to go?”

“Just waiting for you” Scott replied.

“Let me grab my jacket and my shoes and I’ll meet you guys’ downstairs.” When you made it outside, Chris already had your SUV started, letting the heating warm up.

“Mind if I drive?” he hollered out the window.

You shook your head no, walking around to the side of the truck and climbing into the back seat next to Tom. Scott was sat up front in the passenger seat. “I’ve got the list from your mom.”

“Then we are ready to rock n roll” Chris said, looking in the various mirrors to make sure it was safe to back-up.

Chris drove around the town for a while. He drove down a few scenic roads showing Tom the beautiful landmarks. When he saw a perfect, untouched patch of snow he insisted the four of you make snow angels. Of course, he made sure to get a picture of everyone laying in their angel.

Next stop was the liquor store. You pushed the cart around with Tom as Scott and Chris added various bottles and pre-made beverages to the cart.

“Y/n!” you heard Scott call from a few aisles over.

“Yes?” you laughed, looking to see if he was going to pop around the corner.

“Do you have a beer pong table?” It was Chris’ voice you heard this time.

You and Tom laughed at the brothers. “No” you answered.

“If I had to bet, I’d say that you’re about to be the proud owner of a brand-new beer pong table.” Tom laughed, walking with you towards the front of the store.

When you rounded the corner, you saw the brothers walking towards you. Scott had a fold-up beer pong table in his hands and Chris had two cases of White Claw and a bag of red solo cups in his.

“White Claw?” you laughed.

“Less calories than beer means that I have to spend less time at the gym while I’m here.” Chris replied, putting everything in the cart. “Speaking of, Tom do you want to work out with me in the mornings?”

“Absolutely” Tom replied. “I was a bit nervous to go running with all of the ice and snow.”

“I’d be more worried about the bears” you said, watching his eyes go wide.

“Now I’m extra glad that I didn’t try to run this morning” Tom said, following you as you pushed your cart to the front of store checkout. Chris pulled his card out before you could even offer to pay.

Next stop was the grocery store.

As Chris and Scott gathered the things on their mother’s shopping list, you took Tom to the baking aisle. “You mentioned that your family bakes when everyone gets together.”

“I did.” Tom smiled as he continued. “My mother and my sisters are usually baking some sort of sweet.”

“Well…” You gestured to the various options laid out in front of you. “What do you want to bake?”

“Really?” Tom asked, looking over at you.

“We can make pretty much anything” you answered. “I mean, unless you don’t want to.”

“No, no. I do.” Tom replied, swallowing back a bit of emotion. “I just…I know we really only just met so you have no way of knowing any of the craziness that has been going on in my life.”

You could sense a bit of hesitation in Tom so you reached out and grabbed one of his hands in yours.

Tom smiled, his eyes watering a touch. “And I’m not complaining, I promise you. I’m grateful that I’ve been afforded so many opportunities. I just…I only got to see my family for 4 days all last year. Home is the one place I feel like I can completely be myself and relax and…Well, when I found out I wasn’t going to see my family on the one break I have for the next three months, I didn’t expect…”

When he stopped talking, you slid your arms around his middle, pulling him into a hug.

“I apologize.” He said, wrapping his arms around you. “I’m sure a simple ‘thank you’ would have been a much more eloquent response.”

You could feel a light laugh rumble in his chest. “Don’t apologize.” You loosened your arms a bit to pull back from the hug.

Tom’s arms held you against himself for a moment before letting you go. “What is your favorite thing to bake?” he asked you.

You thought for a moment before answering. “Cookies.”

“Then I’d love to bake cookies with you” he replied, turning towards the various bags of chocolate chips.

“FYI” you said, grabbing a small bag of sugar and flour.

“Yes?” he put two different types of chocolate chips in the basket.

“I think anything you say in that accent sounds eloquent.” You pushed the cart further down the aisle to grab the oil. You could hear Tom laugh behind you.

“I’ll have to remember that.”

When the four of you got back to the car, Chris recommended picking up pizza for dinner since you guys had been gone a few hours.

“Just text your mom to make sure she isn’t already working on something.” You replied

When Chris got the green light on his pizza plans from Lisa, he placed the order over the phone and you guys picked it up on the way back to the cabin.

As everybody dug into the pizza, you took your baking supplies to the kitchen to tuck them away. You wanted to make sure that no one else used them before you could bake the cookies with Tom. Deciding to catch up on your work emails, you grabbed a slice of pizza and headed upstairs to your room. Sat at your desk with your headphones blasting your favorite music, you started replying to potential project proposals and questions your publishers had about your next works.

Because of your headphones, you didn’t hear Tom walk into your room about a half hour later. As he walked up to your desk, he was calling out your name not realizing you couldn’t hear him.

Standing behind your chair, he glanced at one of your computer screens, understanding what you’d been doing since you’d disappeared. What he didn’t expect, though, was what project you were currently emailing about.

See, most of the people that knew you as an author knew you wrote books in the same category as Hunger Games or Beautiful Creatures…Well, having the ability to hide completely behind an anonymous pen name let you venture into some projects that you deemed a bit more…fun? Maybe spicy is the right word.

Feeling bad for accidentally snooping, Tom put his hand on your shoulder to get your attention, scaring the absolute shit out of you. You threw your headphones off and turned in your chair, your heart going a million miles an hour.

Tom was stood there trying not to laugh. “I’m so sorry.”

“OH, dear god” you laughed, laying your hand over your heart and leaning back in your chair. ���You about gave me a heart attack.”

“I was meant to come and tell you the brothers want to play beer pong, but I think they can wait a bit longer.” Tom said with a grin on his face.

You tilted your head to the side, confused as to what Tom meant. “That sounds both ominous and sexy” you laughed.

Tom chuckled and turned your chair back to face your computer. “Mind telling me what project you’ve got coming up?”

“Now it makes more sense” you continued laughing. On your screen was the proposed cover of your new book in an email you were replying to. You leaned your chair back so you were looking at Tom upside down. “You sure you can handle it?”

“I’m a bit offended that you think I can’t” Tom answered.

“You asked for it” you replied, standing up and walking over to your door. Sliding the lock in place, you walked to your closet, turning to Tom. “You coming?”

Tom opened his mouth to speak and paused, choosing to simply nod and follow.

Walking to the back of your closet, you pushed your clothes to the side and opened another door. This was your writing room. Specifically, for your ‘adult’ books.

You’d covered the walls in inspiration, essentially. In addition to your mainstream ‘young adult’ or ‘new adult’ novels, you wrote adult books…erotica…but your books were very inclusive. They featured various orientations, gendered pairings, gender identities, ethnicities, body shapes, body sizes, and various forms of being differently abled. Your walls were covered in artwork that featured real bodies in all of their various forms.

“So, this is your secret career?” Tom asked, looking at all of the various things hung on the walls.

“One of them” you answered, opening a cabinet full of dozens of books.

As Tom sorted through them, he understood your niche. “I think this is brilliant” he said, staring at you with an eye crinkling smile.

“Thanks” you replied, feeling your cheeks warm. “I don’t know how I thought you were going to react, but that definitely wasn’t it.”

“I mean it” he replied, continuing to look at the various books. “I love storytelling. Obviously, it’s a huge reason why I pursued acting. I love literature and music and many other various forms of art but acting has been my passion for so long. It’s only now that I’m realizing how narrow of a range that I’m personally capable of expressing.”

“Hey, that’s not true” you replied.

“That came out wrong” Tom turned to you. “What I meant to say was that as an actor I will never be able to personally tell many of these stories. Sex aside, obviously.” Tom lightly laughed.

“The only reason I was able to tell a lot of them was because I talked to and got to know people that had little to no representation IN these kinds of stories.” You pulled out a box of letters and printed emails. “When I started writing these books, I wrote for women that looked like me. Bigger women are rarely cast as the romantic lead, in literature or on screen. When we are, we have to go through some stupid ‘worthless to worthy’ journey where a ‘special kind of man’ swoops in to complete us and convince us we deserve love. We’re never just allowed to happily exist AND have a happy ever after.”

When you turned to look at Tom, he caught you off guard by roughly pressing his lips against yours as his hands held either side of your face. When he pulled back, his hands lingered a moment longer. “I do apologize. I couldn’t help myself.” He cleared his throat and turned back to the box you had pulled out. “Please, go on.”

You stared at him a moment longer, trying to gather your thoughts before turning back to the letters. “What I was saying before you so delightfully interrupted me…” You glanced at him, seeing him lick his bottom lip as he smiled. “Under my pen name, I run a page online. People send me their personal stories, fantasies, questions, worries…These people come in more than just various shapes and sizes. Some of them are in wheelchairs or are not as able bodied as you and me. I have a woman with Tourette’s who shares stories about her sex life and romantic life with her wife while living with her various tics. I just saw that someone started a new forum for people who have had mastectomies. When I go to write a story that represents something I can’t personally speak to, I talk to those that can. I get permission to even attempt to represent them. Sex is the easiest part of these to write. I feel responsible to do right by them and to translate the truth of their experience into a bit of romantic escapism. If they want to, everyone should be able to find characters they can relate to.”

“I think that what you’ve done is really, quite incredible.” Tom complimented you.

“Thank you” you replied, chuckling. “It’s weird getting compliments for essentially writing porn.”

Tom laughed, turning one of the books over in his hand. “Am I allowed to read any of them?”

“Go for it” you replied. “You just cannot tell Chris about any of this. At all. Pinky promise?” You extended your pinky towards Tom.

With a very serious face, Tom hooked his pinky in yours and answered. “I wouldn’t dare.”

“We should probably go downstairs. Chris and Scott are probably wondering why the hell we’re taking so long” you laughed, walking out of your writing room.

Tom turned to grab a book before following you out, closing the door on his way. “I’m going to tuck this in my bag in my room.”

“I’ll meet you down there.” When you got to the bottom of the stairs, you saw Scott and Chris practicing their aim with no beer in the cups. “Who against who?”

“Us against you two, obviously” Chris answered, Scott switching to stand on the same side of the table as Chris.

“Oh, it’s like that?” you laughed, opening two of the cans and filling your cups.

“You guys don’t stand a chance” Scott added. “Has Tom ever even played beer pong?”

“I have, actually” he answered, coming down the stairs.

“Then let’s see what you got!” Chris teased, acting like a total frat boy.

The four of you played quite a few rounds before your lack of sleep and buzz from the alcohol finally got the better of you.

“I’m calling it quits” you said, covering your mouth as you yawned.

“I should probably go to bed too since I’m setting an alarm for 6 am to go work out” Chris pouted, letting his head fall back.

“I’ll set mine as well” Tom added.

“You guys are so boring” Scott teased, starting to clean up the cups.

You grabbed the cups from yours and Tom’s side as well as all of the empty cans and started walking towards the kitchen to throw them away.

“I’ll grab those” Tom said, taking the cups from Scott and following you into the kitchen.

You dumped the cups and cans in the trash and turned to see Tom walking in with the rest of them. “Thanks.”

Tom dropped the cups into the trash and turned to you. “About earlier…”

“About that…” you smiled, half asleep and tipsy. You loosely wrapped your arms around Tom’s middle. “Want to explain yourself?”

Tom chuckled. “I think my actions were self-explanatory.” He placed one hand on your cheek, the other pushing your hair out of your face.

“I don’t know” you teased. “I think I need further explanation.”

“Explanation or demonstration?” Tom asked, his thumb brushing against your bottom lip.

You pretended to be considering the two options for only a few seconds before his lips were against yours again.

“Y/n!” Scott called. You could hear him and Chris talking just around the corner.

You felt like two teenagers being caught by parents. You and Tom broke apart, both scrambling to be pretending to do something else. He ended up pulling the trash bag out of the bin and tying it up even though it could clearly hold more trash and you ended up unloading the dishwasher.

“What happened to going to bed?” Chris asked, confused as to why you two were doing chores.

“I’m going” you replied. “I just didn’t want your mom to have to do this in the morning.”

“Well then you should have asked for help” Chris replied, helping you finish unloading the dishes. Scott started wiping down the counters and refilled the paper towels. Tom tried to hide the smirk on his face as he took the trash to the outside bin, but he wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

“Okay, that’s it. I’m going to bed for real this time” you said, putting the last glass away.

When you woke up the next morning you could hear someone in your shower. Part of you hoped that maybe Tom had come up to use yours since him and Chris would both want to shower after coming back from the gym.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Chris said, interrupting your short daydream about a very sweaty Tom walking into your room after working out.

“Oh, it’s just you” you teased him, turning over and snuggling back into your bed.

“Damn, someone woke up in a mood” Chris teased back, walking toward your bed with a towel wrapped around his bottom half. “You hoping it was someone else?”

“A girl can dream” you turned over to smirk at him.

“Are you two a thing?” He asked, dropping down to lay in your bed.

“I don’t know” you answered honestly.

“Do you like him?” Chris continued, laughing when you blushed.

“I mean, I haven’t exactly gotten to know everything about him, but I think he’s kind of great.” You replied.

“Well, for what it’s worth I approve” he said, rolling back out of your bed and heading downstairs to get dressed.

Part 3

[fakeloveaskblog]

I think you should art:)

🐌🕸

"ART! Just what I was thinking" Remus exclaimed.

"You literally just said you didn't know what to choose" Remy snarked back.

"ShuuuUUuush!! The park will still be here any other day but who knows the next time inspiration will strike!!"

He jumped up on his feet and kept tapping his feet into the ground while waiting for his friend to get ready to leave. He helped them up before taking their hand. It felt like a bunch of ants was walking around inside his bones so he had to fully concentrate to not run ahead.

"WAIT" He suddenly lit up and turned to Remy. He lightly grabbed their shoulders and shook them around "You can sew!"

"Unless my fingers all suddenly like ran away yeeeah" Remy replied.

"You can sew!! OHOHOH I know exactly what we're doing!"

"Girl I'm not like sewing into skin fyi you small freak. I aint playing doctor here"

"I wasn't even thinking of that! Though I did once see a video of-"

Remy literally shut his mouth with their fingers "Don't wanna hear it"

During the entire bus ride back home Remus was frenetically scribbling down into his sketchbook. Remy tried to ask him what we was doing a few times but he was too hyperfocused to hear. It looked like he was doodling a quick storyboard.

They hopped off on a stop sooner than they should because it stopped right by a supermarket. Remy got too choose whichever quick meal the two of them would have for dinner while Remus went to buy things for the art he was planning. They choose noodles while he came back with half a dozen energy drinks and a bag of oranges.

Remus had offered to carry all the grocery bags. He was ranting about different ways to create fake blood while Remy did their best to follow along.

"...I have like a question" They said while scratching their wrist.

"About the blood? Oh it's just a few simple ste-"

"I'm just thinking it would probs be like a good idea if like-" They stopped and took a deep breathe "Do you think you'd ever have a chance of relapse? Sorry for like being so blunt but like if I'm gonna be...using..I need to- it would be best if I knew what would be like triggering and like panicky and stuff"

Remus looked at them with a stumped expression. His slightly agape mouth quickly shut, all tight lipped as he looked away to think.

"I would Never want to do anything like that again" He spat out "I would never want to lose control, lose time, like that ever again"

"Okay..Okay. Good.

"All of the...bad things..happened 'cause I was high. Not him. I don't know how I would react to someone else being high. I guess I'll be fine. Hopefully"

"You gotta tell me if you don't react well. Kay?"

"Of course. Promise. I'll scream it to the high heavens if I don't dig it"

When they came back to the apartment a note had been stuck to the door. It was written in red glitter pen and signed with a crown. 'Going to brunch and a party. Don't burn down the place.'

"Muahahah! We got the whole place to ourself!!" Remus rubbed his grubby hands together while saying it.

He set the shopping bags down in the kitchen while Remy laid down right on the floor to stretch their aching muscles. Remus walked circles around them to get out energy before picking up a random piece of paper and writing on it. He taped it up on the wall and slapped his hand against it to get his friends attention.

Remy squinted up at the paper. In big letters were the words "HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY" written.

"GIRL ARE WE KILLING SOMEONE!?"

"Not right now!" Remus replied "It's the title!! We're doing a short film! An art short film!"

"Am I being buried or doing the burying? Just like so you know I think I'd look muuuuch better being buried"

"Neither!" He suddenly stiffened up and held his arms kind of like a nervous squirrel "Did I ask you if you're comfy with being filmed? I didn't think bout that- We can like- I got some clay I think? We can-"

"I'm okay with it" Remy interrupted.

"Oh" His hands returned to hang loosely by his sides "Okay!" He took his sketchbook and sat down on the floor beside them.

He showed them the story board while explaining what his idea was. It'd been running around in his head for a few months now but he didn't have any clue how to sew so he hadn't ever really thought further than the basic plan.

Remus stood up and held out his hands to make a sort of frame. He squinted at the couch "You'd think it look good filmed here?"

"It's like a nice apartment" Remy shrugged back while scratching their arm.

He stared at it for a few more seconds before beginning to push furniture around. He pulled a chair so it sat opposite to the couch and placed his phone on the chair since he was going to film with it. The windows behind the couch made the video all washy with light. He strained to move the couch so it wasn't standing in front of the windows.

"Need help with that?" Remy asked.

"Beanie, I'm a manly muscular ultra buff man!!! I can move a couch!! I could move this couch with only my dick! That's how buff every part of me is!"

Remy held their hands up and shrugged "Was just asking"

Eventually Remus managed to move the couch. He moved on to the other furniture and testing different angles and checking the lights and dunking an entire energy drink and hyperfocusing so hard he forgot Remy was still in the room.

They didn't mind it. Actually they thought he looked really pretty with that concentrated look on his face, all while his eyes glimmered with excitement.

It just turned so quiet so suddenly. They didn't have any distraction anymore, not that they would ever want to call Remus a distraction.

They scratched at their wrist again. It felt like something was missing. Like a huge chunk out of them had been ripped out. It was so starkly obvious to them they felt a bit insane when no one else seemed to notice.

The bruise on their wrist had healed. All that was left was their pale skin. The bruise was missing and no one seemed to see that. They scratched until the skin turned red.

It felt like their body was decaying. It felt like their brain had been replaced with a rotting animal carcass. They didn't know how to know if they were alive if they weren't afraid. The bruise on their wrist was missing.

Remy looked up when the skin around their wrist started to bleed ever so slightly. Remus was turning on and off different lights to test how it looked.

"Rem" Remy called out. The word had slipped out without them being able to stop it.

He turned around and looked at them "Hmm?"

"I gotta get high. Is that like- is it okay with you?"

"You okay?"

"I just need some xanax or something" They said without answering his question. "The watchers they said they could get me if I needed-"

"A healthy dose" Remus interrupted "Only a healthy dose"

"Yeah yeah 'course"

"I'm okay with it. Don't worry. Deep breathes beanie"

Remy parsed their lips to ask you for xanax but it felt reductive. They were sure you'd already heard them anyway.

[i-like-turkey]

The Swiss chapters of Throw Pillows include lots of food items and pretty locations that many of you might be unfamiliar with. Here’s a quick and dirty info sheet for some of the things/places I mention. Go read chapters 1-4 of Throw Pillows and then click under the cut.

FYI: I’ve spent a significant amount of time in Switzerland though it’s been over 10 years since my last visit. I can’t speak any of the languages, but I am very familiar with the country, its food, and its culture. Some of the food items can be called different things based on where you are and there can be some variation on spelling because of dialects. In my fic, I use the spelling/word that I believe Kacy would encounter when out and about.

Gipfeli- A croissant only better cause you get it in Switzerland and I love Switzerland. No picture cause y’all should know what it looks like.

Silserli- We call it bretzli brot. You might also see bretzel brot or brezel brot. It’s pretzel bread. Heaps better than anything you get stateside. Silserli is what’s on the package at the grocery store (Migros or Coop) and at some of the bakeries. Places usually sell it stuffed with butter and salami or ham. My last trip was a month long. I ate at least 3 of these a day.

Frigor- The second best Swiss Chocolate. 

Lausanne Cathedral

Nyon Roman Ruins

Züpfe (or zopf)- We use the Züpfe spelling in my family, but we mostly call it ‘weekend bread’ because it was always available on the weekends. It’s a pain to make, but well worth the effort. Excellent for sandwiches, but better when you slather on nutella or jam.

Choquello ice cream bars- Heaven on a stick.

Eiskaffees- An iced coffee, but like ice cream + coffee. There’s tons of different ways to make them. Some shops serve you something that’s more of an ice cream sundae. Some will give you a vanilla ice cream with a pour over of sweet coffee. It’s all delicious.

Rösti and mini sausages- Rösti is grated potato that’s fried up in a pan. Sometimes you get egg, ham, and or cheese on top. Sometimes you add some sausages on the side.

Cailler-

Technically the best Swiss chocolate, but only because they ceased making the absolute best Swiss chocolate. It has hazelnuts and just melts in your mouth. The discontinued version was the same thing, but individually wrapped with little roses on the wrapper. It had the perfect balance of the chocolate and hazelnut. If you’re confused, think Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The big ones taste different from the little ones.

Fondue- Y’all should know this, but here’s a picture.

FYI, the ‘rule’ according to Google is that women at the table kiss the men at the table and the men have to buy another bottle of wine. That’s kinda gross. All of my family’s Swiss friends had the rule that you had to kiss the person sitting to your left, so that’s what we use when we make it.

Raclette- I mentioned this, but probably won’t write it into the fic. Here’s a picture. Look into this if you’ve never had it. Amazing stuff. 

[crowtrobotx]

What up! My name’s Crow, a 33 year old chronically ill bisexual woman+. Use whatever pronouns and gender terms are funniest in the moment. I’m used to she/her and generally just refer to myself as such but go crazy.

I like video games, fiber arts, drawing, writing (fiction & poetry), cryptids, and (regrettably) American college football. Offline, I work full time managing an art school/charity, so I’m generally interested in anything related to the joy of creation and expression.

I can’t stop anyone from following me but minors should know this is a very sex positive blog and I post a lot of horny shit. TERFs and radfems can get fucked. Any kind of bigotry is going to get you blocked - I am old and tired.

My crochet pieces are tagged with #my crochet nonsense or more recently #crowchet

🦋🦋🦋🦋

Fandom FYIs: I don’t know what a pro ship or anti is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. I do not care about discourse and drama (beyond watching from afar like a shady bitch) and am generally of the opinion that you gotta just let people vibe and block liberally. I am a massive OC x canon fan. This includes second person reader fics. I tend to avoid canon x canon like the plague due to truly deranged behavior I’ve been on the receiving end of over the years, and I’m over it. That doesn’t mean I hate you and your ship, it means I’m giving you the thumbs up from across the room while asking that you respect my non-participation!

Here you will mostly find video game content (particularly RE8, RDR 1/2, and Mass Effect) and the occasional unhinged ramblings related to Black Sails, LotR, and (of course) MST3K.

🦋🦋🦋🦋

My current fanfic: Chrysalis (Resident Evil Village, Karl Heisenberg x Original Character and Heisendad!) This is all about our favorite trashy old man being a Papa to a feral gremlin child while being angst-ridden over his not quite dead girlfriend, what more could you want?

**Updated 09/19/24!**

Check Engine (Resident Evil Village, Karl Heisenberg x GN!Reader, Mechanic AU) Cute little fluffy small town moments sprinkled with shameless, raunchy smut.

**FINISHED! 11/30/2023**

-> Fan Art of Chrysalis/Karl & Lottie that I carry around in my wallet every day and show off like a proud dad.

-> Commissioned work of Kris n Karl that waters my crops and clears my skin

-> Commissioned ~suggestive~ Kris n Karl art that makes me feral like a gas station raccoon

-> Disgustingly cute Lottie art that I am pinning to the fridge and then possibly eating

-> Fucking adorable and hilarious fan art of Lottie & Kris being BFFs with my beloved Hazel & Toast!! And Karl is there too.

-> Beautiful Lottie fan art COMPLETE WITH RAT SOLDAT!

-> Fan art of Karl bein’ a cute dilf while grocery shopping from Check Engine!

-> VârcoKris fan art for when you are in the mood for beautiful werewolf time (which should be always)

Enjoy your stay 💖💜💙

[writtenonreceipts]

Oh how about - unconsciously searching out each other’s hand while sleeping - for Feysand?

an: I enjoyed writing this, thanks for sending it in! link to my masterlist, 

can be read along with this fic/part of the same universe

#

Soup for the Soul

If there was one thing Feyre knew how to do, it was how to find the best chicken noodle soup and heat it up to perfection.  The mainstream grocery store out on Main Street was no good, their broth was too salty.  The shop on Freedom Boulevard didn’t know how to chop vegetables.  And the place on 3rd Avenue never put enough noodles in.  But the store on 9th built into a butcher’s shop?  The best chicken noodle soup in the city.  And the best price on ground beef.

While cooking wasn’t her forte, reheating was.  So when she found herself in need of comfort, she swung into the shop and grabbed some soup.

“I am going to kill Cassian,” Rhysand grumbled.  His voice was stuffy and barely recognizable.

Or when someone was sick.

Feyre glanced at him over her shoulder and stifled a chuckle.

Usually so well put together with his hair neatly styled--the sight of Rhysand wrapped in a blanket, stuffed in a sweatshirt, and dark circles beneath his eyes was refreshing.  Certainly, Feyre felt guilty about seeing the indestructible Rhysand brought down by a cold.  Certainly, she felt guilty about laughing at him when he initially stumbled over to her apartment.  But it also humanized him.

She’d found him so intimidating when they first met, almost two years ago now.  He’d been so confident, to the point of arrogance, when they’d run into each other in the hallway between their apartments.  Had she known then that he would become such an important part of her life she wouldn’t have kicked his instep.

Granted more often than not, he deserved it.

“You need to relax,” Feyre told him, “and not over exert yourself.”

“I have a presentation on Monday,” Rhys grunted.

“Well, I’m sure Tarquin can manage without you,” Feyre said. She ignored his glare and ladled out a large helping of soup in front of him. “What do you say?” 

“I love you?” he asked hopefully.

Rolling her eyes, Feyre handed over a spoon. “Whatever.”

While Rhysand ate, Feyre moved around the apartment.  She tried to control the blush building on her cheeks.  Even though his words had been in jest, Rhysand always had a way of getting under her skin.  And she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t attracted to him.  Her friend.  One of her best friends.

“So remind me again where Cassian is and why he isn’t taking care of you?” Feyre called out to him as she brought out a spar pillow and blanket to the couch.

“Work trip,” Rhysand said.  His response was barely audible around a mouthful of soup. “And Azriel threatened to kill me if I got him sick before his big date with that girl from his business class.”

Rhysand gave a big cough and shuddered.

“Poor baby,” Feyre crooned.  She moved back to the kitchen and pulled out some cold medicine with sleep-aid from a cabinet.  Rhysand did not look excited about the pills, but Feyre only had to give him a look to keep him quiet.

She knew she shouldn’t tease him too bad, she hated being sick and it made her feel pathetic and helpless.  But sometimes it was just too fun to give him a hard time.  She glanced down at the pillow and blanket on the couch.  Originally she’d planned on sleeping out here herself, but…

“I even started taking multivitamins,” Rhysand grumbled. “I take care of myself.”

“I know,” Feyre said, biting back another smile.  “C’mon let’s get you to bed.”

He hardly noticed as she ushered him into her room and helped him get all settled on one side of the bed.  Feyre made sure he was tucked in as best as could be managed.  Sometimes she forgot how big he was.  Tall, broad shouldered, not to mention his ego.

“Wat’r’you’doin’?” Rhysand asked as Feyre got into bed on the other side.

“Sleeping,” she said. “This is my bed and that couch sucks.”

He muttered something almost incomprehensible and rolled over to face her.  Feyre finally let out a soft chuckle at the sleepy look on his face.  The medicine had certainly kicked in quickly.

“Just close your eyes and try to rest,” Feyre whispered.  She almost reached out a hand to brush his hair back from his face, but stopped herself.  That wasn’t her job, her duty.  She was his friend.  And there was honestly something so intimate about touching someone else's hair she felt.  SOmething intimate about sharing a bed.

But this was platonic.  Completely and utterly.

“Thank-you,” Rhysand said.  His bleary eyes opened and he reached a hand out, resting it between them. “You’re too good to me.”

“Shush,” Feyre told him.  

She watched as his eyes drifted shut and sleep slowly took him.  The hard lines of his face softened and his mouth opened slightly.  He looked so different here, so open and vulnerable.

And and Feyre began to drift off to sleep herself, she reached out a hand to him.  Before she realized she was even doing anything, she twined their fingers together.  She knew this moment could never leave the room, could never leave this night.  But she could convince herself she was offering her friend comfort.  And for now, she supposed that would be enough.

#

tags

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