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whatyoufish4 · 3 years

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Episode 3 - “Lamentis”

“Look, I can’t go backwards on a train.”

This might be my favorite of the three episodes thus far, and I’m slightly surprised to find myself typing that -- because in some ways, not a lot happens. If “Glorious Purpose” was a character deconstruction, and “The Variant” was all plot -- man, “Lamentis” is dialogue.

Like, there’s Loki and there’s Sylvie, and, yes, there’s a handful of other characters that get to talk (maybe less than a handful; maybe three, the woman in the trailer home and the two guards outside the train?) -- but for the most part, we are just following two characters as they try to find their way off of an apocalypse, and while there are a few minutes of fight scenes, it’s really pretty much ... talking.

And I *loved* it.

I’ve felt for awhile that this series feels more like a Doctor Who spin-off than a Marvel one (this is not a criticism, or even a complaint; I frickin’ adore Doctor Who). But there was a corner of my mind that couldn’t get over that this episode had been made even as I was watching it -- they were really going to let us slow down long enough to just let two characters talk? Just have conversations, and open up a bit to each other, and try to figure out a way to work together and figure each other out? And give us insights into who Loki is, on a fundamentally different level than we’ve ever seen before? How is this being allowed?

I have been enjoying the TVA and Mobius (and Loki’s interactions with Mobius) to quite a ridiculous degree, and in “The Variant,” in particular, we start to see who Loki is when he’s not coming out of a place of emotional trauma and fascist brainwashing -- and that has been, y’know, overwhelmingly fantastic. But he’s still on something of the back foot over the course of “The Variant;” he’s clearly fond of Mobius, but he doesn’t entirely trust the TVA (well, neither do I), and he’s still coming from a place of trying to feel his way out, I think. “I’m ten steps ahead of you,” he tells Mobius, and while that might to some degree be a bluff -- I think it’s certainly fair to say that Loki is thinking ahead at least five, trying to figure out what’s going on and where he stands and what he can do about the cosmic bureaucracy he’s found himself in -- who may or may not want him dead, and who certainly want him locked in the role, the box, they’ve assigned him to.

But in “Lamentis,” we are seeing Loki not only dealing with a much more straightforward problem (that, therefore, doesn’t require half a dozen steps-ahead thinking, just a kind of we gotta recharge this thing and find a way outta here) ... but also kinda just, y’know, hanging out for a second.

And it’s, well -- it’s kind of ... glorious.

Loki’s tricks and schemes are part of his charm, and I love watching any Trickster character circling plans within plans. But being the god of Mischief means other things, too -- like having a sense of humor, like seeing the absurdity around you, like being assured in who you are, like having fun. Loki is sitting on a train and making jokes and casting spells and casting spells to make jokes, and going all Tenth Doctor while leading the train on a singalong even though they are traveling through an apocalypse, but he’s making friends and being the life of the party and raising spirits while doing it because that’s what a god of Mischief does. And I just couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe that we were getting to see Loki be exactly how I always imagined Loki to be when he isn’t spiraling into trauma-fueled hatred and heartbreak, when he isn’t even trying to figure out a scheme or what’s behind the curtain -- but when he’s simply able to be. And it was enchanting, purely captivating, for me.

... and speaking of casting spells, let me real quick just say: MAAAAAGIIIIIC.

Look, I effing LOVE magic, okay. Fantasy is my first and still-best genre, and it was slim pickings for much of my life with finding on-screen fantasy that was, y’know, good. Fantasy that actually, like, shows the characters actually doing some actual damn magic already was even rarer, back in the day; even now, it can still be hard to find. (I didn’t watch “Game of Thrones,” but neither it -- nor the Lord of the Rings trilogy -- really had all that much magic going in it.)

So I was kind of hoping, in this series, that we might get to see Loki magick things up a bit -- but this episode exceeded my wildest expectations. From simple mini-transportations and conjuring/un-conjuring during his initial fights with Sylvie, to fireworks and quill-and-ink jokes to amuse and entertain, to blasting green magic out of his hands like a flippin’ anime character. He also stops a falling blast of concrete and ricochets it back in the other direction in the episode’s last few minutes, prompting me to speak for one of the only times in the entire episode (“Whoa, could you do that this entire time??”) -- but I was, of course, laughing and delighted.

(“But if Loki can blast green magic out of his hands and MOVE BLOCKS OF CONCRETE, how comes in all the movies he never --” Because he was a secondary character then and he’s the protagonist now, that’s why. He gets Protagonist Powers this time around, and I for one am just overjoyed to see them.)

Even without magic -- I also just (I can’t help it, that this is how far gone I am in my affection for this character) -- I also just enjoyed having Loki talk. Especially as he’s not talking about trauma, or scheming, or apocalypses. (I mean, I think all of those three things were actually all touched on, but they weren’t the focus.) I loved learning about him, y’know? I loved hearing him say he can’t ride backwards on a train (SOLIDARITY). I loved hearing him talk about Frigga doing magic for him as a child, telling him that he could do the same one day, that he “could do anything.” I loved listening to him sing, loved how his face lit up, loved how gentle he was towards Sylvie in that moment. I loved his Tenth-Doctor-like (or is it Thor-like?) fumbling with his tea set, shedding crumbs and saucers onto the floor, all part of the fun.,

I loved -- and found deeply, touchingly important -- to hear him using four simple words, “A bit of both,” to proclaim himself the first clearly, openly, in-text queer character of the MCU. It was sweet and heartfelt and simple and natural and a truth, and let the character be seen, and it nearly made me cry.

I was mesmerized by this episode, just absolutely transfixed. I’ve watched it twice, and each time I forgot someone else was in the room with me; I am so far wrapped up in Loki and Sylvie and watching them finding their way with each other, seeing these new hints of who Loki is. And who Sylvie is, to a point, although I imagine we’ll know far more about her after Episode 4.

I adore Sylvie. I don’t know Sophia Di Martino from anything else, as far as I know (I’m so committed to avoiding spoilers and theories, I don’t even want to look up her IMDB page to see if I might know her from anything else), but she’s doing a phenomenal job.

Sylvie is fantastic. She’s brusque and hard-edged, but clever, but practical, but sense-of-humored, but with a streak of kindness (or at least something like it). Di Martino and Hiddleston work exceedingly well together; I loved watching them figuring each other out; I loved Loki’s surprise and fascination with finding out Sylvie knew the truth of her heritage from the beginning; I loved Sylvie teasing him with the compliment of Loki knowing “half-decent magic” that is, indeed, a true compliment. I loved Loki showing her magic and song to bring her a bit of light; I loved Sylvie accepting the kindness, and offering bits of kindness in return. I don’t want Hiddleston stepping out of the role, but I would watch Sylvie be the Agent of Asgard (“But never at the expense of the mission!”) if, I don’t know, an additional spin-off series would be put on the table.

(This is not gonna be a thing; I’m just saying.)

Loki presenting as female is something that’s deeply important to me, and I’m waiting to see where we go with Sylvie before getting any further into the character -- but, for now: Sylvie is, well, glorious, and I’m thankful for that.

For all that much of this was simply Loki and Sylvie figuring out where they stand (figuratively and literally), there were two moments that leapt out into something broader. The first is a pure character moment, and I think I missed it entirely my first time through the episode -- but once I caught it, it struck me and struck me hard. It’s in the final scene, when Loki and Sylvie are trying to make their way to the “Ark,” the enormous space shuttle taking off before the moon is destroyed by the oncoming planet. People are clamoring to get onto the ship, crying to get onto the ship, while officials are on the intercoms saying We’re at capacity, there’s no room, please return to your homes -- and Loki, standing on a slight rise and watching it all swirling around him, murmurs to himself, “They’re gonna let these people die.”

It hit me the moment I caught the line, but it took me some pondering before I realized why it felt so significant: this is the first time we’ve seen Loki react with empathy to people outside his own circle. He risks his life to save Asgard, but Asgard is his home, his people; he absolutely risks his life to save Jane, but Jane is a person loved by Loki’s brother. This is the first time I can think of where we see Loki look at people who are not his family or his people -- who have no connection to him -- and truly see them ... and yes, being upset that many people are about to die is kind of the lowest bar of Common Decency, I know that, I’m not saying give him a medal. But it is such a shift in what we’ve seen in him at his lowest -- seeing him care, seeing him empathize, seeing him stand with a crowd of mortals and not think They’ll be dead soon anyway or What is this to a god -- but rather, How can the ones in charge turn their back on this? (A pin in this for a moment.)

The second bit of shock, of course, is Sylvie dropping a bombshell of information that she doesn’t even realize is a bombshell: that the “employees” of the TVA are not people created by the Time Keepers, but are, instead, Variants themselves. I gasped aloud when Sylvie tells Loki (and us) this, and was as alarmed as Loki himself (“They don’t know that!”) -- partly because I, too, so much enjoy Casey and Ravonna and all the rest of the TVA agents (especially the Librarian Agent with that little broken bell <3). And Mobius -- who is trying to do a job, a duty, and who believes in what he is doing, in the goodness and worth of it. And who may be in trouble.

* * * * * I was chatting on the phone with my brother this weekend, and he asked me what I thought Loki’s goal is, in this series -- “What does Loki want?” is how he put it. I was surprised to find that I couldn’t immediately answer, and even more surprised when I thought it over for a bit and reflected on the fact that Loki tells us what he wants, multiple times: he wants to manipulate the TVA. He wants to overthrow the Time Keepers. He wants to seize the ultimate power – a power so strong, it can grant its employees Infinity Stones as paperweights. He tells us this, every episode. How could I forget that?

Well, because it’s become more complicated than that. “You don’t know what you want,” Sylvie snaps at Loki – and that’s been true for Loki for much of his journey. The irony right now is that I think Loki – who may have just come out of the events of Avengers 1, but who, unbeknownst to Mobius and TVA, saw his future playing out into love and acceptance from the family and people he thought he’d turned his back on – Loki, I suspect, is torn between what he knows he’s supposed to want (power, control, a throne), and what this new version of himself actually wants. A new version of himself -- not because he’s a Variant, but because he’s starting to choose to change ... even if the ultimate power in the universe says he cannot.

I don’t think Loki has any great love for the Time Keepers (nor should he), and I think his goal to peel back the curtain on the TVA and find out who and what the Time Keepers are is still very much what he’s working for. But I also think Loki has found himself in the curious position of wanting to coax Mobius into trying a jet ski, to suggest to Hunter B-15 that maybe they ought to start over, to wonder at a woman’s decision to wait on Lamentis-1 to die, to entertain a group of strangers on a train to lift their spirits (and his own), to feel the horror of the people trapped and forgotten while the Ark lifts off without them. To save Sylvie from being hit by falling rock not just because she’s part of his ticket off of this moon, but also because he simply wants to help her. There’s room in Loki to want these things, now, despite all his past trauma -- and that’s changing him, Variant or no, into a truer version of himself. A version that he’s choosing.

It has not escaped my notice that the phrase Glorious Purpose has been mentioned in every episode -- by Loki, announcing himself to a group of humans in Mongolia minding their own business; by Mobius, proclaiming it to be his own work and his duty to the TVA; as a bit of a biting challenge to Sylvie, comparing it to her rather grim (and still somewhat mysterious) mission.

... oh yeah, and this fourth time. In the first episode. Loki has been shown -- and told -- that he has been born “to cause pain and suffering and death. That’s how it is, that’s how it was, that’s how it will be. All so that others can achieve their best versions of themselves.” He has just finished playing out the TVA’s video of his life -- and seen himself die at the hands of Thanos. And while he’s weeping, and laughing -- bitterly, painfully -- Hunter B-15 comes in and asks him, “What’s so funny?”

“Glorious Purpose,” he tells her, just before trying to escape. And to find a way out of the TVA, too.

Despite his understanding of the power of the Time Keepers -- who give Infinity Stones to their staff for paperweights (“Give me a break,” Loki tells Sylvie, speaking of the Time Keepers, “you can’t beat them.”) -- despite the bad odds, I think our Trickster is trying to find his way past the Time Keepers, and the Glorious Purpose they have insisted on laying out for him. Because Loki, as we know, doesn’t care to have his choices, or his Purpose, chosen for him. He might even have an idea that, even as a Variant -- he might have something more to be. Because becoming something more? That’s kind of Loki’s whole deal -- even if the universe, or the Time Keepers (or his previous writers!) have tried to decree otherwise.

... Only Time, I suppose, will tell.

Episode 1: “Glorious Purpose”

Episode 2: “The Variant”

#on board the loki bus #loki series #loki series spoilers #thank you for the commentary loki it's not at all distracting

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lyricwritesprose · 4 years

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More Dialogue Stuff

This is part of a series about writing. You can find the first part here.

Okay, so, dialogue. Again.

If you've ever read Jane Austen, you will know that popular views on how dialogue works have changed a lot. Back in the day, there wasn't as much emphasis on making dialogue sound natural. They wanted it to sound good, instead, and had specific ideas about what sounded good. These days, we're all about sounding natural and will sacrifice smoothness. Except, of course, that transcribing a conversation as spoken would involve way too much "uh," and "um," and starting over—so the goal is dialogue that sounds real, but isn't.

To that end, a lot of writers these days include “uh,” and “um,” and sentences that break off—but only when they tell us something. (That thing can be just that the character is inarticulate. Still. The point is, it serves a function.) So, if you have dialogue like this:

“I couldn’t—” He took a deep, ragged breath. “I couldn’t. I just—you were—I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t do anything, you were just gone. So what was the point? Of anything? What was the fucking point?”

The places where the sentence loses its way, the m-dashes (these things: — ), the single curse, all of it is supposed to indicate a character in emotional turmoil, talking about a traumatic event where they thought they lost someone close to them. This character may talk differently when they are not talking about trauma.

(It is worth noting that m-dashes, ellipses (three dots, like so . . . ), and italics are something that I arguably overuse, as a writer. Some of this stuff is based on personal preference. It’s worth thinking about those personal preferences, and what you like in the stories you read.)

Let’s have a cut and then talk about voice.

“Voice” is the distinctive speech patterns of a particular character. This is something that stands out especially in fanfiction, so I’ll talk about it from a fanfic writer’s perspective. An example: my current main fandom has a character by the name of Aziraphale. He happens to be an actual, supernatural angel, but that’s not necessarily important for writing his dialogue. What is important is that, despite not being born in England (or arguably born at all) he is almost stereotypically English. He will use silly-sounding phrases like “tickety-boo,” with absolutely no trace of irony. He tends to speak in an old-fashioned way. He also speaks in an erudite way, like someone who has been reading books for hundreds of years (he has). Aziraphale uses phrases like, “dear boy,” and “dear” (more in fanfic than in canon, but then, fanfic tends to be more overtly romantic). And it is worth noting that Aziraphale presents himself as very gay—opinions on how much he’s doing it deliberately vary within the fandom, but it’s there.

What this means is that there are some things you do, when writing this character, and there are some things that you avoid. Modern slang, imprecision, local dialects from somewhere that isn’t England (unless you’re writing an AU)—these are things to keep out of this character’s speech. On the other hand, you can, with care, use long, fussy words like “imprecision” and “erudite” and other things that you might not use for a different character.

If you are doing fanfic, you can get a sense of voice from canon. Many characters have extremely distinctive voices—for me, the tenth Doctor comes to mind—full of personal quirks and special ways of enunciating and words that he loves to use. (Sometimes, if it’s a TV or movie franchise, these things are difficult to represent in print. I have never been satisfied with the phrase “popping the P,” which everyone seems to use for Ten’s distinctive approach to plosive consonants, but I’ve also never seen anyone come up with anything better.) If you are writing an original story, you’ve got to come up with all this on your own, and depending on your writing style, keeping a cheat sheet might help.

Another thing to remember about dialogue is something I picked up from Russell T. Davies, the person who brought Doctor Who back and wrote a valuable book on writing which I have meant to obtain for some time now. Davies notes that people don’t often listen to each other on more than a superficial level, or explain what’s really going on with themselves. You can create a lot of tension with this: a character who is having a breakdown keeps saying things like, “I’m fine,” and you have a situation where the character you want to care for them will be uncertain whether they ought to, or whether they’re welcome, or whether, in fact, the subtext is, “Go away, I don’t want you.” The moment when that character decides, “Screw it, I am taking care of him anyway, because he needs it,” thus has more dramatic weight. (If it seems like this particular scenario is heavily draw from the hurt/comfort subgenre of fanfic—you are absolutely right.) You don’t have to make your characters talk past each other all the time—but you don’t want to make them understand each other all the time, either. Especially with certain kinds of stories. If you’re writing an episode in the life of an old married couple, it’s likely that they’ll have at least a few aspects of this “communication” thing hashed out, but if you’re writing a romance where people get together? The moment when they actually understand what’s going on with the other one may well be your climax, and you don’t want to make things too easy for them.

Which means it’s also important to keep in mind what each character actually means when they say something. You can conceal it from the reader—probably should, if you’re writing in third person limited, which most people do these days. But you, as the writer, should have an idea of where they’re coming from. A character can say, “I’m fine,” and mean I don’t want to talk about it because it bothers me and I don’t want to think about it, or say, “I’m fine,” and mean I am on the edge of a breakdown, or say, “I’m fine,” and mean, you are not actually my friend and I know it, go away. (Maybe it’s just the genres I read, but I feel like it’s actually fairly rare in fiction for a character to say, “I’m fine,” and mean everything’s okay right now.)

Anyway, that’s all for right now. Next, by special request: outlining!

If you guys are interested in supporting me in this, I’ve got a ko-fi.

#writing #writing stuff #writing advice

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godblooded · 4 years

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heavy heavy stuff under the cut but relevant to my current situation. i just feel better being transparent and... idk actually trying to put out there what’s up with me. writing is always cathartic for me. and i’m gonna warn you this is a FUCK of an overshare. tw for a lot of medical stuff, abuse mentions, death mentions, parental death mentions. i’ll tag all those but there they are in the beginning to see for safety. also tw for COVID mention.

so i don’t know how much i’ve ever explained of anything but i and my aunt ave been taking care of my mom for a super long time. she’s had juvenile diabetes since she was 15, she retained severe damage to her kidneys when she had me, she’s had neuropathy for 12 years, graves’ disease, i have a fucking list of things in my wallet for whenever i bring her to the doctor because it’s just a medical grocery list. she, herself, has made a load of irresponsible decisions that have led to continuous trauma for me, but you all know me on this site, you know i’m a bleeding heart and everything hurts me like a pinprick.

when i was 6 years old i found her on the floor of our apartment completely unresponsive with a glucose level in the single digits and i’ve never been the same since. she had also been neglecting her sugars for weeks before because of her own depression.

right now she’s in a rehab facility. she recently suffered a small subdural hematoma and then a HUGE subdural hematoma she had to have brain surgery for (which due to fucking COVID, was ambulatory when it very well should’ve been a week or more in the hospital). we’ve had issues my entire life. we’ve both been victims of abuse from mark (who i refuse to refer to as my father) and it left my mother imitating his abusive actions in a lot of ways, in spite of the fact that it’s a very complicated situation, like all things, so my mother is just... a very selfish person who i like to think loves me in a way mark fucked up so badly she didn’t know how to deal with it.

she previously experienced stroke-like symptoms and had had a tia (a transient ischemic attack which presents similar to a stroke but isn’t, it’s like a precursor or a warning about one), so it was very prudent she be kept under observation. from there she declined so severely and so suddenly she couldn’t even help my aunt and i get her back and forth anywhere. we all, combined, tried to lift her into the car and couldn’t (this includes my brother).

we had her taken to the hospital and from there she ended up at the rehab. she’s currently in kidney failure and therefore on dialysis (she was previously doing home dialysis with us) and apparently has been put on seizure meds. if she’s having seizures, we haven’t been informed, and they’ve been fucking stupid enough to do occupational therapy with her after fucking dialysis and then told us they see ‘little to no improvement in her mobility.’

my yiayia (grandmother, for y’all ξένο) died on the morning of my tenth birthday. it was insanely traumatic and to this day it means from june until at least the end of july i get absolutely horrendously depressed. being stuck in this state right now and with the quarantine i have no way to have any relief because... fucking COVID. again. so right now i’m sitting on four days where i’m insanely paranoid the simple existence of my birthday will kill her. (i honestly wish i couldn’t also say that a whole load of other bad events occurred on various other of my birthdays but-- they did and consistently have. so it’s an unfortunately anxiety-inducing, suffocating fear.)

by the way, when i was born, that july 13th was a friday.

my aunt has four (small) tumors she’s having treatments for. we’re both working from home. so far, she’s asymptomatic, but my papou died of mds (myelodysplastic syndrome) after complications from treatments for his colon cancer. i was 19, and we took care of him at home. frankly it was terrifying and devastating to watch my only father figure forget everyone except me, but we got through it. but this is her second round of a different treatment because the first stopped working. i’m fucking terrified i’m going to lose everyone. and with the history in my family, it’s just never fucking unlikely.

my mental health is disastrous and i’m barely holding it together. i’m really pushing to try to get a service dog to help me because i can’t eat, i can barely sleep, and frankly yesterday i lost two hours of time. in addition to the continuous nightmares that my mom or someone i love is going to die. or the oncoming sleep paralysis + panic attack episodes that come with that, too. (ask bat i had to put my feet on the roof of the car and take my pants off because i had one spontaneously.)

i am really and truly never, ever on the dash. i don’t have the brain for it. interpersonal connections right now are incredibly hard and talking is exhausting. the only thing i find truly cathartic is writing, and i can barely do that now because i’m exhausted every single day.

it’s been long and very tiring. we don’t know if my mom’s gonna make it out of this rehab. it’s possible the kidney disease is taking over. i can’t visit (again, fucking COVID) and there’s a pretty real chance i’m going to lose my mom and never have fixed our relationship or had the chance to really try. she was way too late to accepting things and i was too late, too. we both made a lot of mistakes thanks to a man who spawned me and i hope dies an egregious death.

literally. i know what an over-share this is. but i had to put it out there somewhere because holding this in feels like i’m going to burst.

it’s almost my birthday. i’m scared out of my mind. the last parent i have who never tried to be my parent very well might die with every single thing unresolved. and the odds are, it’s going to take me a year to get a service dog because i can’t afford one outright and there’s a waitlist if you can’t pay at least $9,000. so i absolutely can’t afford the help i really need right now, and it’s just contributing to how hard everything’s becoming. i also teach remotely three days a week and for anybody out here who’s a teacher, you know how exhausting it is-- especially online learning. right now i’m essentially just desperate to... try to have some fun in my dnd campaign, maybe play through t.lou2, and try very, very, very hard to get through a six hour tutoring block. not all at once, obviously, or on the same day.

if you’ve tried to get in contact with me, i apologize if you’ve felt spurned at all by my silence. i’m here, i write replies because they’re how i get my emotions out a lot of the time, and sometimes i’m feeling okay enough to plot or discuss character situations via disco or tumblr im but... i’m just exhausted.

tl;dr it has been a not good series of experiences i have had and for the past four months i’ve had a lead weight sitting on my chest. this isn’t a ‘feel bad for me’ or a sympathy post. it’s pretty much a journal post and me trying to actually handle something. i’ll come out the other side of this okay. i always do. but right now i have the emotional, physical, and mental stability of a rock. and.... fucking COVID, once again, has removed most of my physical support systems. i really just need to be held and cry for an hour.

i’m here. i’m writing. i’m just not here. and i won’t apologize for my activity, but i will apologize if anyone feels neglected by me. it’s not my intention. ever.

anyway, if you stuck through this to the end, i can’t tell you how much i appreciate you reading it. i hope you know you’re loved and i hope you find $20 on the ground. or whatever the equivalent of that is in your currency.

#parental death mention /#death mention /#negativity /#negative /#abuse mention /#abuse /#hospital mention /#medication /#anxiety /#medical mention /#depression /#COVID mention /#cancer mention /#leukemia mention /#[jesus it's morbid my own life has more tw's than my rp's #anyway this is just a huge huge dump. just HUGE.#i appreciate the understanding my dudes.#you know i love you all i just don't know how much better it's gonna get from here.]

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catflowerqueen · 4 years

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Hydrotherapy, Now with More Donuts (Supplies Pending)

It was funny, really, how much could change in a year’s time—even when mystical, magical, trauma solving/inducing therapy trains weren’t involved.

Sure, that first year after leaving the Infinity Train was hectic, full of the general chaos that followed a new life joining the general population of planet Earth. It was only further compounded with the fact that, typically speaking, those new lives didn’t come pre-packaged with twelve to thirteen years of personal history and trauma. Lake’s first year of freedom had been full of various appointments: appointments with school officials trying to gauge her grade level and then sway her into enrolling when they found out just how much she excelled in the STEM areas (she wasn’t quite as good as Tulip and didn’t enjoy it to nearly the same extent, but, hey, it was inevitable that after all those years reflecting her as she studied, Lake would have picked up a thing or two. Including, as a side note, the ability to read texts backwards and upside down, which she thought was actually a way cooler skill). Appointments with various different government officials and agencies to get her an official legal status, identity, and living situation figured out so that she could actually go to school. Appointments with numerous legal teams, all working together to make the previous things possible.

…Seriously, there had been so. Many. Legal teams. It seemed like every little thing had needed its own department to take care of it, and there so many different departments that the variety was almost overwhelming. Why did there even need to be so many? Like, Lake guessed it made sense to separate some things. After all, she remembered the sorts of things she’d overheard Tulip’s parents say when debating whether they needed to look into hiring a divorce attorney or if they should give couples’ counseling one last shot back when their fights had started to get more serious, and she could see how if there weren’t separate departments, then stuff like “inability to make or stick to schedules” and “spending too much time at work instead of with the family” would constantly be set aside in favor of, like, murder trials, which would mean kids like Tulip would be stuck in the limbo of a deteriorating family situation indefinitely… but why did there need to be so many?

There was even a department for “Tree Law.” It was apparently a very involved and complicated department, even though Lake only knew it existed in the first place because one time when she was complaining about how complicated the legal process was, Jesse told her about the camp he went to the previous summer. It was called “Camp Lawful Laurel,” and was apparently dedicated exclusively to the study of tree law. When she asked him why on earth Jesse would ever go somewhere that sounded so extremely boring, he explained that it was because one of his “friends” from swim team had asked him to. Apparently, the guy’s parents wanted him to do something “educational” over the summer so that he could “improve his CV,” whatever that was, and he figured that the high cost of the camp would be a pretty good way to show off his displeasure at not getting to spend the summer playing video games with his friends instead, and to get some petty revenge on his parents. But he didn’t want to be alone all summer studying with the “boring nerds,” so he’d asked Jesse to sign up, too—mostly because the first three people he’d asked had turned him down. But then the “friend” ultimately decided to go to a way cooler, but equally expensive, camp focusing on marine biology (where they got to hand-feed actual sharks!) and hadn’t bothered to tell Jesse until it was too late and his parents already submitted the non-refundable admissions fee—one that, because of how expensive the camp was, he’d had to help pay for using his own money that he’d been saving up so he could buy a really cool-looking dirt bike. The same dirt bike that he’d taped a picture of on the wall across from his bed, so that it would be the first thing he’d see when he got up in the early, early morning for his dog-walking gig, to remind himself just why he’d consigned himself to the torture that was an early morning wake-up on the weekends, earlier than he even had to get up for school or practice.

Honestly. If the Infinity Train hadn’t picked him up when it did, Lake had a feeling it would have only been a matter of time before he got forcibly dragged on and then immediately tossed into some sort of “Pillow Car” just so that he could get some adequate sleep for once in his life.

Anyways, the other appointments she had were with various doctors, mainly to try and address her unique “skin condition” that was previously unknown to the scientific and medical fields, and that had medical professionals even now calling every other day in the hopes of scheduling appointments with her wherein she would be poked and prodded mercilessly as they tried to figure out what, exactly, caused her chrome-like sheen and seemingly metallic feel and weight. It was something which she was no way interested in, and she’d begged off of as soon as she could. Though, to be completely fair to the doctors, it did seem like most of them were simply concerned about the ramifications of her “condition” for her general health and quality of life, rather than for any sort of malicious purpose, or to treat her like some sort of lab experiment. Given the way one of the dermatology specialists had been a little too insistent on brushing off the whole thing as “just a rather extreme allergic reaction to metallic body paint” and asking her whether or not she’d tried to emulate one of those living statue performers you see “on TV prank shows, or when you take a train up to those big cities like Chicago,” putting a special emphasis on the word “train,” she had a pretty strong theory that she wasn’t the first Mirror person that the doctor had seen, and privately wondered why someone like her, who seemed so professional and put together, had ever ended up on the Infinity Train.

But… Lake guessed that maybe that was kind of the point; that the reason that doctor seemed so put together was because she’d taken a ride on the train. After all, Lake had seen the effect such a trip had on Jesse—how much he’d grown and changed, and how he was taking those lessons seriously. Like, he’d cut his toxic “friends” out of his life so that he could spend more time with her and Nate. He’d told his swim team that he preferred free-style over butterfly, and asked his coach for the chance to see if he could qualify for that, instead. Or if he could at least put him on the roster as a backup free-styler, since school pride was a thing and he did want to give their team the best shot at winning, even if that meant him doing the butterfly. He’d even quit most of the extraneous clubs he’d been a part of, electing to only stay a member of the swim team, the tutoring club (mostly because he actually got paid for his tutoring sessions, and he’d started saving up for that dirt bike again—in addition to the tutoring looking good on whatever this CV thing was that Lake kept hearing about), the wildlife photography club, and the “Eraser Kids” club.

Though, honestly, that last club had kind of disbanded as an actual “club,” per say, after the president—who was only really in charge by virtue of being the oldest of the four kids total comprising the club (including Jesse and the semi-reluctant Lake)—finally admitted that he and the other non-Jesse or Lake member hadn’t formed the club because they had any real interest in eraser shavings, but because they’d been friends with Jesse since they were toddlers, and had noticed over the years as he’d gotten busier and busier, and they’d thought that the only real way they would be able to effectively guarantee spending time with him these days was to create an actual club with a defined schedule and meeting time that Jesse would be able to adhere to and plan around. After seeing Jesse quit all those other clubs, and hearing him cite his disinterest in their contents as the main reason why he quit them, they’d felt guilty about their ruse and come clean. After some apologizing all around, the three of them became even closer—and the other two kids welcomed Lake into their fold easily. They turned out to be pretty cool to hang out with, even though they still brough up eraser shavings from time to time as an inside joke.

Of course, the other main reason that Jesse opted to quit all those extra clubs was that he had a new time commitment, one he actually shared with Lake: they both had regularly scheduled appointments with therapists—actual, licensed professional ones who did not also double as types of transportation. She and Jesse had each met with their own therapists bi-weekly at the start, but Jesse’s had tapered off to bi-monthly after about half a year, and her own had switched to once a week by her tenth month of freedom.

It still surprised her sometimes that it was actually the therapy thing, more than anything else, which was the catalyst for all those other appointments. Lake hated Mace, and she would always hate Mace, but even despite the fact that he, and Sieve, tried so hard to kill her, she thought what she hated the most about him is how perfectly Mace laid out all her thoughts and insecurities about trying to live a life off the train back when Alan Dracula was protecting them all with his horns back in the Wasteland. After all, the high of freedom and adrenaline she’d been riding after giving herself an actual name and meeting Nate wore off pretty quickly when Mr. and Mrs. Cosay arrived at the lakeshore, looking a bit frantic. They’d been worried that Nate, too, had run off somewhere when they’d returned to the house from searching for Jesse—a search which had started anew after Nate swore he’d seen him finally return, only for Jesse to never come back inside (having been picked up by that blasted train yet again)—only to find that their younger son was now also missing. But their worries had given way to elated tears once they reached the trio of children and found both sons safe and relatively sound, immediately enveloping them in hugs and scolding Jesse to “never, ever, ever do something like that again, young man!”

Lake had taken a few steps back, suddenly feeling extremely nervous and out of place, Mace’s horrible words echoing in her head, and she’d frozen up in fear when Mr. Cosay finally glanced up from his son momentarily and caught sight of her. She froze up when he abruptly let go of his son and headed toward her, determination clear on his tear-stained face, and for a moment she was terrified he was going to attack her, or blame her for his eldest being gone for so long. It was, after all, basically her fault that he got called bac to the Infinity Train. But he didn’t do anything of the sort; instead he embraced her in a hug of her own, whispering his gratitude that she’d helped looked after Jesse while he was on the train—apparently, Nate had shared the stories Jesse told him about her in the brief period he’d returned home the first time. And if they hadn’t entirely believed him before, then actually seeing a person who seemed to be entirely made of metal and could corroborate his and Jesse’s stories was some pretty convincing evidence.

The thing about believing his stories about the train with the infinite number of cars that acted like something between a therapy tool and a horror show was that, well, it meant that they also had to believe that someone—something—had thought their son needed therapy. That there was something—maybe a lot of somethings—about their son’s life and mental health that they had missed. Something that they weren’t able to help him with—or, at least, that Jesse hadn’t thought they would be able to help him with, since he’d never shared anything like that with them—and that the only person/thing that had noticed and offered any sort of help had likely created even more problems for him. Or, well, no, there was no “likely” about it; The Infinity Train, despite its best intentions, had definitely created more problems for him, given that he’d actually reboarded it in the first place. That wasn’t even mentioning the fact that a lot of those new problems, in turn, were created as a response to someone else whose problems were very much tied to the way the train was supposed to run to begin with.

The Cosay family decided pretty much immediately that everyone involved needed some actual therapy to work through everything—and that Lake was included in that “everyone.” Of course, in order for Lake to get therapy, she would need to have an actual, legal identity, as well as a place to live, and things just spiraled from there as appointments were made to make other appointments so that Lake could actually have the life on Earth that she so desperately craved, and everyone could try and heal from the trauma.

It actually ended up being harder to find a good therapist than anything else. For all that Jesse’s parents believed him and Lake about the Infinity Train, it was understandably a bit harder to find a professional who would be able to listen to it all without assuming that the whole thing was just some sort of hallucination or delusion, especially when they were all a bit wary of revealing Lake’s origins or letting any of the doctors she’d needed to go to in order to get all her paperwork straightened out delve too deeply into her physiology or how it worked—especially after that one dermatologist who obviously knew what she was pretty much told them that it would be better to stay quiet about the whole thing due to just how insistent she was about her “paint allergy theory.” But that encounter had also made them realize they weren’t alone in this endeavor: People got on and off the Infinity Train all the time.

Jesse had. The dermatologist had. Even that one lunch lady Lake briefly saw (and who actually did turn out to be Mrs. Graham—and hadn’t that been an awkward lunch encounter. At least she hadn’t forced Lake or Jesse eat any celery) had. And since the point of the train was to help people heal and resolve their traumas, that meant that even those who gained new traumas on board would still be in a better place mentally afterwards and could go on to heal and lead productive lives in the normal, Earth way, right? So that just meant Lake and the Cosays had to figure out how they did it. And while they hadn’t had the chance to ask the dermatologist, and Mrs. Graham hadn’t even been an option until they’d already figured some things out, there was one other possibility available to them.

At first Lake was a little reluctant to contact Tulip, but… well, she knew Tulip would help her out. She had before, after all, even after Lake had tried to trap her in the Mirror World forever. Tulip had wanted her to be happy, to have a better life. She’d even apologized that the first car Lake had gotten to see after fleeing the Chrome Car was a boring one! (Which in retrospect, and after coming down from the initial rush of freedom, she could totally agree with. Banks were pretty boring, especially ones run by pencils who didn’t have mouths and, therefore, didn’t offer free lollipops because they had no use for them. She still kept that pen-chain, though, as a memento. …Also, because she was right that it would look totally awsome painted black and used as a bracelet—which, honestly, had been her first thought when she’d swiped it from the pencil people. It hadn’t even occurred to her the danger it possessed as a reflective object until she’d gotten off the train and caught Jesse trying to use one to make awkward small talk with his own reflection one day when the entire family was sitting in yet another boring law office, waiting for yet another lawyer to come and decide her fate. She’d never been more thankful for her awesome fashion sense than in that moment.) But more than that… she knew Tulip could actually help her and Jesse out in terms of finding a good therapist.

Mr. And Mrs. Olsen… they were good parents. They weren’t the best parents, and there were definitely things they needed to work harder on, but… they did the best they could. Even with the whole divorce thing, and how badly it was handled in the lead-up, everything they did was an effort to protect Tulip and ensure she would be okay. Tulip didn’t know this—or at least, she hadn’t before running away—but those arguments Lake had overheard as she reflected Tulip’s sleeping form from the blank screen of the turned-off television, the ones the Olsen parents had about whether they should try again for couples’ counseling or go straight for the divorce attorneys? They happened because they didn’t know if it would be better for Tulip in the long run to have both of her parents living together, even as they struggled and needed help to get along, or whether it would be best for them to just have a relatively clean break so that Tulip didn’t have to deal with any more fights in the house. That was why they’d actually been able to make a compromise, for once, and agreed to try a period of separation first; it would keep the fights out of the house and away from Tulip while they tried to work things out in a calmer manner, and if they did, ultimately, end up divorcing—which they had—then it would hopefully help Tulip ease into the idea. Which… it hadn’t, really, but that wasn’t all on them.

They’d tried to help their daughter, to engage with her. To get her interested in a life outside her room. They’d noticed her grades dropping and correctly guessed that it was because she was upset by the recent changes in her life. That’s why they’d come up with the contract, and the promise to send her to Game Design Camp if she brought her grades up. And, yeah, that had fallen through in a spectacular manner, but… they were only human. They were trying their hardest. And Lake knew that they would try just as hard for their daughter once she finally got off the train.

Which meant that they would have tried to find an actual, licensed therapist for her—especially since they’d already been debating on finding her one after camp ended if she still didn’t seem to be adjusting well. Given what ended up happening, there was no way they didn’t follow through on those plans. Even if Tulip was feeling better and more adjusted now about the divorce, there was no way the train didn’t leave any sort of negative experiences or memories on her, like it did on Jesse. Or on Lake. Or, heck, even on Nate, and he’d never even boarded the thing! And given that Tulip, like Jesse and Lake, had the same sort of concrete evidence of her story being real (the exact same evidence, actually, if in reverse—that being Lake’s existence on Earth and non-existence in the Olsen family mirrors, respectively), they would have shown the exact same concern that the Cosay family had in trying to find a good therapist who wouldn’t immediately claim that the whole thing was just a hallucination.

After coming to that realization, all (most) of Lake’s fears fell away, and it was pretty easy to contact Tulip for help. She knew all the passwords and usernames for Tulip’s social media accounts, after all, so it was a simple matter of sending her an email from her own address, and then giving her a brief update of what had happened after they separated, where Lake currently was (and that she’d named herself Lake), and then asking Tulip to either send an email to the account Jesse helped Lake set up, or to call Jesse’s phone.

The ensuing conversations were enlightening. Lake didn’t really feel like telling Tulip everything that had gone on—mostly because she still wasn’t quite sure where exactly she stood with Tulip, like, if she actually wanted to try being her friend and let Tulip get to know her the way Lake already knew Tulip—but Tulip seemed elated that she’d made it off the train. Though, how much of that elation was just the general “I’m glad you’re getting to live your own life now” kind versus “I’m glad that you, specifically, who is a denizen, managed to get off that hell-train” kind was unclear—mostly because Lake wasn’t entirely sure whether Tulip even knew about the restrictions denizens had in regards to the doors. Though, honestly, she probably didn’t—if Lake herself hadn’t known, despite technically being a denizen, then there’s no way Tulip could have. In any case, the elation was good because it meant that Tulip was, indeed, willing to help out in any way she could—which turned out to be a lot.

Lake’s predictions about the Olsen parents had been spot-on. After Tulip got back and they’d been able to assure themselves of her physical well-being, they swiftly dedicated themselves to trying to ensure her mental well-being. They’d already done loads of research on good child psychologists for the divorce stuff, and they quickly set to work on weeding down the list even more in light of Tulip’s new issues—in addition to doing further research into some doctors they’d skipped over before, now that the whole divorce thing was the least of Tulip’s problems.

Though, surprisingly, this still involved them trying to contact Megan’s divorce attorney. Apparently, he’d given her a list of good child psychologists to try out when Tulip had first come up during one of their appointments as they were figuring out the issue of custody. They thought that if they contacted him again, then maybe he would be able to help them find one who specialized in runaways, and how they could more easily integrate back into society when they returned home (because even though Tulip hadn’t meant to be gone for so long, that was still five months of life on Earth that she had to catch up with—including a lot of missed school). But, apparently, he’d never answered their emails. When they tried calling instead, his secretary informed them that he’d announced he was going on a sabbatical or something right around the time they’d sent their first email. She hadn’t heard from him since, so he probably hadn’t even seen them in the first place. But she’d had a few suggestions of her own, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Tulip told her that there had been one option that really caught her parents’ attention, some sort of boarding school called “Eleanor West’s Home for Wayward Children.” It was apparently really good for runaway situations since it was small and offered daily therapy sessions along with schoolwork. They’d thought it might be easier for Tulip to go there, at least through the summer, so that she would be able to catch up with all the schoolwork she missed without worrying about being held back a grade—thus losing even more of a connection with her friends, such as Mikayla. Ultimately, though, they all decided it would be better to look somewhere else. Eleanor West’s school was in a completely different state, for one thing, even farther away than Oshkosh was, and Tulip and her parents were reluctant for her to be that far away when she’d already been gone for so long. Her parents also didn’t like the fact that Tulip wouldn’t be allowed to actually see the school until after she was already enrolled—the proprietor didn’t allow her to sit in on the initial meeting, and she didn’t even let her parents take a real tour of the school. Ms. West claimed it was for the students’ privacy, but how would Tulip know if she would like it there if she didn’t get to see it for herself, or to at least hear some firsthand testimonies from current students? So, they ended up going with just enrolling her in a summer school program and getting her a normal therapist closer to home.

Well. Normal aside from the fact that said therapist had apparently also boarded the train at some point during their childhood, and then channeled their experience into becoming a child psychologist in the hopes of being able to help other children so that they would never even need the train in the first place. But they were just as good at helping former passengers, too, as Tulip apparently wasn’t the first former passenger to find themselves in that doctor’s care.

Given that a lot of Jesse’s issues had stemmed from peer pressure, he and his parents thought that maybe Ms. West’s school would be a good place for him to start over, to learn how to make new friends of Lake’s caliber and to get him away from the toxic influences of his current “friends.” The distance, as in the case of the Olsen family, was a bit daunting, but the thought of a new start did appeal to Jesse, so they all took a trip to go check it out. (And, as Jesse later admitted to her privately, he and his parents also thought it might be better for Lake, too, since the population of Ms. West’s school was a lot smaller than the local high school. That meant that Lake could get a tiny taste of the normalcy and stability of life on Earth and being surrounded by humans all day before being thrown in the deep end. “After all, both of us know how bad you are at swimming,” Jesse had told her, a mischievous grin on his face that fell to a slight wince as he tried to playfully jostle her shoulder and forgot, yet again, that she was made of metal and wasn’t easily pushed around.) The whole family went on that particular scouting trip, because even if Lake and Jesse wouldn’t be allowed to sit in on the interview, there was no way the Cosays were going to leave them and Nate home alone for so long. The kids could just hang out in the nearby town for a while and meet up with the adults when they were done with the appointment.

But, just like Tulip, she and Jesse ended up not going there after all—mainly because Ms. West had caught sight of the kids as she was seeing the older Cosays to the entrance after their meeting, and then seemed a bit too interested in Lake, and had become very insistent, borderline demanding, that she and Jesse enroll in her school. Seriously. It was like some sort of switch had been flipped in her personality. And the lady’s never wavering stare after the initial shock of seeing Lake was both rude, and a little creepy.

They ended up emailing Tulip again and asking her to see if her therapist had any therapist friends in Arizona with similar experiences. There actually ended up being quite a few to choose from, and Lake was enrolled in Jesse’s school to start attending the next fall.

So, that was Lake’s first year of freedom—a whirlwind of appointments to figure out her legal identity to go along with the personal one she was still carving out for herself—one which let her leave her past on the train behind so that she could actually live.

Except… as the next year would show, things weren’t that simple.

Sure, there were no actual trains involved—be they either magical or mundane—but, as her therapist had warned her during her first session, the train would always be a part of her. She could move on from her experiences, sure, and the passage of time would inevitably dull some of the memories, but it would never fully leave her. Not entirely.

At first, she was furious about it—after spending so much time trying to get off the train, almost dying due to the flecks and the train’s own unfair coding, after finally, finally getting out and starting to establish her own identity… only to find out that it could never truly be her own, free from the taint of the Infinity Train? To say she took it badly would be a gross understatement. But… well, a lot can change in a year.

The therapy helped. Like, a lot.

One of the big things that she and her therapist worked on was how to deal with her emotions and problems in a healthier and more constructive way than she had been up until that point. There had been more than one destructive outburst from Lake during that first year. It would have been one thing if they had just happened after particularly long appointments with the various lawyers trying to determine her fate on where she would stay, or how to get her an actual identity. It wouldn’t have been great by any means, since it was embarrassing to lose her cool like that in front of Jesse—and especially in front of Nate—but it would have been understandable. Thing is, though, she would sometimes have those outbursts after smaller, inconsequential things—like the adult Cosays making her and Jesse turn off the TV by nine o’clock every night, or the teachers not letting her sit in the seats closest to the windows without giving her any reasonable explanations as to why. Or at least… not any explanations that she thought were reasonable. Which, in itself, was actually quite telling about what the core of her issues were. At least, that’s what her therapist thought—and after a few days of stewing in her room after that particular session, she reluctantly conceded the point.

Due to her experiences as a reflection, and especially with what happened with the flecks on the Train, Lake had a lot of problems trusting others. It was pretty easy for her to understand why she had so many problems with authority: The flecks had left a pretty big impression on her, and given their whole “conform or die” deal, she got why that would extend to teachers, or even the older Cosays. She couldn’t feel safe trusting them because doing so made her feel like she was losing control of her life, even though the reality was that everything they were doing so far was in an attempt to actually give her a life. This was pretty much literal in the case of the attorneys—if she didn’t have documents, an ID, proof of citizenship, etc., then she could have problems with the prime world’s equivalent to flecks (not to mention that she wouldn’t be able to get a job or buy a house or anything when she was older if she didn’t have a paper trail to back things up—she’d spent a lot of time in that bank car, after all, and even though things were slightly different for sentient pencils than they were for humans, she knew enough that stuff like that was expensive, and she wouldn’t be able to take out loans or anything if she didn’t actually have a legal identity). But even for the smaller things… the curfew was in place so that she and Jesse wouldn’t be tired in the mornings, and could actually be functional during the day and get enough sleep to stay healthy. And the thing with the windows was… well, okay, technically that one had been mostly for the other students’ benefit—it turns out that the way many of the classrooms were positioned made it so that they got tons of natural light, and apparently the glare caused by the sun reflecting off of her shiny, metallic body was inadvertently blinding the classmates who sat closest to her and making it hard for them to concentrate on their own work. …In addition to maybe causing some deterioration and problems with their eyes themselves, especially later on in life.

But revealing that particular incident to her therapist was actually pretty revealing in itself, as it turned out that a lot of her issues weren’t just with authority, and how to manage those necessary relationships in healthy ways, but also somewhat with the concept of empathy itself. Or, maybe not so much “empathy” as “the understanding of the consequences your actions can have on others before you act.” There had been, after all, a lot of things she’d done on the train that she now deeply regretted… but the most important thing that Lake could do—at least, according to her therapist—was to work through those regrets, to analyze and understand them so that she could move on and do better.

As her therapist had said during their first ever session—and then repeated during that first session a month or so in when Lake really started to get into the hard stuff that she usually tried to keep hidden from everyone—she wasn’t there to judge the morality of Lake’s actions. Not only were there species and cultural differences between the two of them that the therapist would never be able to understand, but much of what Lake had done on the Infinity Train was out of a sense of self-preservation. If she hadn’t acted how she did, she likely would have been killed. And at the time, she wasn’t really in a place where she could have stopped to list the pros and cons of each action, or consider the consequences—and with her upbringing, she didn’t really have the experiences she needed to do so, anyways. After all, before Tulip had helped her escape the Chrome Car, the only people she’d had to worry about affecting were herself and Tulip—and even then, Lake only really had to think about Tulip in terms of making sure she herself knew enough about what was happening with her prime’s life to make sure she was an accurate reflection for her own safety, rather than Tulip’s. Not to mention the fact that Lake was still a teenager, and teenagers weren’t really known for their capabilities to act like completely rational beings. But at the same time… when she’d actually gotten to meet Tulip face-to-face, she hadn’t cared one bit about the fact that her leaving meant that Tulip would be trapped—even as she’d admitted to Tulip how boring it was to be stuck on the reflections’ side of the mirror.

Yeah, she’d done all that because she wanted to live her own life. But by doing things in the manner she had, she’d actually put herself in far more danger than she probably would have been otherwise. After all, Tulip had been extremely sympathetic once they’d gotten the chance to actually sit down and talk to each other. Even after admitting to Tulip’s face that she wanted to trap her in the Mirror world forever, Tulip had still helped her—and, in fact, was still helping her even now! So maybe if she’d actually stopped to talk to her about her desires after switching sides and opening the door, rather than just immediately running away, the two could have worked out her solution with the multi-tool way earlier, and in a more peaceful manner. Like—sure, the mirror person assigned to One-One might still have called the flecks on her eventually, given that he was even more of a stickler for the rules than his prime was… but it probably would have given Lake a head start, and it may have even made Mace and Sieve be less intent on outright killing her (although she kind of doubted that last part).

Beyond that… there was also the lizard girl to consider. She was completely innocent in everything going on in Lake’s life, but Lake hadn’t stopped to think for even a moment about the girl’s own struggles, or why her pet’s death would have been enough to get her picked up by the Infinity Train beyond that self-admittedly insincere apology as Lake tried to steal her number. If she’d succeeded… what would have happened to the girl? Would she have been able to get a new number? Or would Lake’s actions have trapped her on the train for the rest of her life? If Lake had stopped to think about it, then maybe she could have tried dipping into the coding skills she’d learned along with Tulip to try and program the machine to give her a number of her own without having to get anyone else involved. Or she could have tried to use the porters to send a message to One-One or someone to try and get help in a calmer manner.

Sure, One-One hadn’t really been the most helpful when he’d actually shown up, but… in retrospect, it didn’t seem like it was because he didn’t want her to be able to live her own life. He had, after all, been instrumental in helping her escape the Chrome Car. It was more like he just didn’t understand why she wouldn’t be happy to keep living as a denizen and help other passengers while she lived her own life, the way that he and Atticus had done while helping Tulip. Or like how she’d realized that Alan Dracula was doing, and how he wouldn’t be happy the way she was now if the two of them had actually made it off the Infinity Train with Jesse that first time. After all, One-One himself had seemed a lot happier to be in his rightful place as conductor, watching over passengers and trying to help them get home. And from what she’d gathered about the process of making train cars, each one of them was tailor-made down to the smallest detail—including which denizens would be able to fit into that world and find it a comfortable place to live. But even then, One-One didn’t seem to care that denizens could and did move between cars—just look at Terrance, and all the places Randall and The Cat had gone!

If Lake had just taken the time to talk to him peacefully… well, she still might not have been able to get a legitimate number without resorting to that loophole with Jesse, considering that One-One was still very much bound in some ways to his programming. In hindsight, that paradoxical loop he’d gotten caught in when Jesse returned to the train was very reminiscent of the scene from that one game Tulip liked with the other British-sounding, spherical robot and the infamous lemon rant. The one where the protagonist—on the advice of another robot who had been the villain for the first third of game, but who had to team up with the protagonist in order to defeat the game’s ultimate villain—tried to use logical paradoxes to defeat said British-sounding, spherical robot, and the only reason it didn’t work was because he was too dumb to actually understand them. Or, maybe a better example would be some of those stories she and Jesse had to read for English class last semester—the ones by that Asimov guy who wrote about robots. Specifically, that one story of his called “Liar!” Anyways, the point was that One-One’s issues weren’t anything personal—even as much as it hurt to admit it. And getting back to the original topic… if she had been able to talk things through with him more peacefully from the start, maybe he wouldn’t have started freaking out so much when Jesse came back.

And… even before One-One or the lizard girl… there was something else she’d done that was probably far worse, whose consequences she definitely could have mitigated had she thought things through: hijacking that one old dude’s escape pod. If she’d taken a moment to just think, then maybe he wouldn’t have been stranded out there on top of the train, without having the benefit of One-One’s videos to know what was going on or how to get home… or even the (relative) safety of waking up on the inside of the train. She had no idea what happened to him; if he’d eventually managed to get inside the train, or if he’d fallen off the top—or been eaten by one of those weird bug creatures that lived outside—and she hadn’t even tried that hard to stop him from fleeing after she pulled him out. Yeah, she’d instinctively reached for him, but… she could have, like, called out or something. Or just… not hijacked in the first place. Not the way she did.

She could have made a smaller hole in the pod and then asked Alan Dracula to help strap her down as it reversed and went back to maintenance with the guy still safely inside. Or she could have even just ridden the pod with him to his intended car and then slipped inside for its return trip after the orientation video finished and he left the area. There were so many better things she could have done, and there was no way for her to apologize for any of it—either to him personally or to any family he might have left behind—since she didn’t know his name, or where on Earth he came from. But… that was just something she was going to have to learn to live with, and it was part of why she needed the therapy in the first place: Both so she could move on for herself, and so that she could learn to be better so that nothing like that would happen again.

To help facilitate this, her therapist suggested that she write out apology letters. Even if she never sent any of them out—and, really, the only one she actually could send would be to Tulip or to one of the Cosays—it might help her to work through some of her feelings, and maybe help her consider things that she hadn’t thought of before in regards to the Infinity Train. Putting herself in someone else’s shoes like that could help a lot—like how going into Jesse’s memories helped her to understand him a little more, despite how unconventional and, frankly, invasive that process was in hindsight.

In any case, the letters did seem to help. Writing to people she’d met on the train, apologizing for the things she’d done that may have hurt them… it helped to take some of the weight of guilt off of her shoulders. Mainly because a lot of the time after writing and re-reading the letters, she could see how absurd some of her adventures had been, and how absurd some of her feelings of guilt were. Like… recently she’d written an apology note to the carrot people whose dance she’d refused to join. She knew it was probably a silly thing to feel sorry about, but, at the time of writing, she’d been in kind of an emotional slump, second-guessing everything she did on the train and trying to figure out what, if anything, she could have done better as she’d travelled through the train, both on her own and with Jesse.

But after writing the letter, she realized that, yeah, it really was kind of a silly thing to be sorry about. After all, she hadn’t been rude to them or anything in her refusal—she just hadn’t wanted to dance at the time. And it wasn’t even because of her memories of having to copy Tulip’s dancing, either, during that year where her parents had made her take that dumb ballet class in an attempt to help her with her “clumsiness” before they realized the issue was that she needed glasses. She hadn’t even been thinking of Tulip at that point. Instead, she’d been thinking about how pretty the sky in that car was, and how nice it was to hear the dance music in the background as she explored, and how she didn’t want to spoil the atmosphere by being too close to the source of the beautiful music. That’s why she’d even offered the carrot-person who’d invited her inside a little smile as she’d waved him off. She really had been thankful for the offer, after all, even though she ultimately didn’t accept it. And that was okay.

It had been a bright little moment of calmness on the train. A moment where she’d been happy, and worry-free. And the more she thought back on that moment, and found more moments like that as she continued to write her letters, the easier it got for her to feel more at peace with her situation, and her complicated relationship with the Infinity Train. She still didn’t like it, the way that it just plucked people out of their lives and put them in danger when their problems could just as easily—and far more safely—be solved by seeking help on Earth… but she didn’t really hate it anymore, either. Ultimately, the train was just trying to help. It just… had a very weird way of showing it. But sometimes, maybe that’s what people really needed. If they didn’t have the courage, the ability, or the knowledge to seek out help themselves… then it made sense for someone else to try and step in. That carrot person and Alan Dracula had done it for her, and then he and Lake had helped Jesse—and he’d helped the two of them, too. And there were plenty of other denizens who’d helped along the way, or who’d at least been kind or funny even if they didn’t really help directly.

Like… Lake could remember this one mirror person she’d actually really liked, when she was little. The mirror person was part of the paramedics, or something, and she’d been really comforting and helpful after that one incident where the reflection of Tulip’s grandfather tried to kidnap her. It had been really weird, and really scary. Apparently, Lake’s last prime before Tulip had been the girl’s grandmother, and, because of how much time they’d had to spend together with all the reflective surfaces in their primes’ house, and how long the two primes had been married she’d had a really close relationship with that other mirror person. Supposedly, at least.

The grandfather’s reflection hadn’t taken it well at all when Lake’s former prime died and she’d opted for reassignment rather than becoming a fleck or paramedic. Thing is, though, since mirror people often got reassigned to the same general prime families—something about it being easier for them to reflect their primes, since similar mannerisms and body language tended to run in prime families, and, since not everything could be completely reset upon reassignment, the muscle-memory stuff made it easier when their new primes started to find reflective surfaces independently since both prime and reflection would still be kind of uncoordinated in that little kid way.

Anyways, since her old prime died while Tulip’s mom was pregnant with her—like, only a few days before Tulip’s birthday, actually—it was pretty clear to everyone (even Lake’s own former self, apparently) that Tulip was going to be her reassignment, so the guy had basically just had to bide his time until his prime inevitably got the chance to hold his new granddaughter at the next family reunion. And the second that Lake was in his arms, reflecting Tulip’s own position, and his prime walked away from the mirror he was standing in front of… his reflection tried to take off with her.

Thankfully he didn’t get very far, since apparently there was another reflective surface nearby where more of Tulip’s family was standing, and one of the primes happened to be facing away from it at such an angle that the mirror person assigned to them could grab her and keep her safe without endangering themselves by breaking character, since the whole place was busy enough that none of the primes realized that someone was being reflected when they shouldn’t have been. But the guy who’d grabbed her managed to escape into the crowd, so one of the flecks got the delightful job of standing in as Tulip’s grandfather’s reflection until they either caught him or an emergency reassignment could take place. As for Lake, she was put into protective custody for a little bit and had her own stand-in until they either figured things out or his prime was far enough away that he wouldn’t be near Tulip in any reflective surfaces, which would have necessitated the two of them to be in close enough proximity that he could have tried again.

Lake had been really scared, since, well, she’d been a little kid herself, and hadn’t really known what was going on. But the paramedic had stayed with her, and made sure she was all right, and answered her questions about what was going on, and why her prime’s grandfather’s reflection had tried to take her. She’d talked about things like love and loss, and how some mirror people took it hard when the primes of their friends died and their reflections got reassigned elsewhere, forgetting them entirely. Or how even if they opted to become a fleck or paramedic and didn’t lose their memories, the relationship still wasn’t the same since they had even less time to hang out together, since they couldn’t even have those purely physical moments of hanging out together in reflections anymore—which was actually why a lot of flecks and paramedics quit and got reassigned after only a few years of service.

She was also the one who told Lake exactly what happened to the mirror person who’d tried to kidnap her when it was finally safe for her to return to reflecting Tulip—the guy had been caught and sanded. Thinking back on it… that entire incident was probably a major part of why Lake tried to escape when Tulip made it to the Chrome car. The thought of forgetting everyone she loved, and then getting in trouble—getting killed—just because she wanted to see them again (though, granted, that dude had gone about it entirely in the wrong way—and it actually made Lake wonder if the two of them actually had been as close as he’d claimed, or whether she’d chosen to get reassigned specifically to get away from him, like those cases on TV where people went into witness protection or got new identities so they could get away from their abusive exes or whatever)… being stuck only looking at friends from afar because they couldn’t join her in reflections anymore… having to choose between that pain and an entirely new life on the chance that your prime did something stupid and got themselves killed… it really made her question the whole set up.

…There was also the fact that she never saw that paramedic again. Not just because she hadn’t actually needed to see one—that would have been one thing, and she probably wouldn’t have been so bothered if it was just that. But… part of that paramedic’s explanation of her kidnapper’s probable motives had included the fact that she could empathize with him a bit. Apparently, she’d already planned on retiring and getting a reassignment before the whole kidnapping attempt, for the exact reason that she could no longer stand seeing her friends being in pain and missing her without her being able to do much to comfort them after her own prime’s passing. She was just waiting on the news that someone from her old prime’s family had gotten pregnant, or that one of their partners had gotten pregnant, so that she could get reassigned as the eventual baby’s reflection. And since it had been years since that incident, it had probably happened by now.

Anyways—the original point was that through writing letters and having therapy sessions, Lake had slowly come around to acknowledging that not all of her experiences on the train were bad ones, and that she didn’t have to deny them, or the people she’d met, in order to be her own person. Which was a big change from last year.

And, as has been stated before, but cannot be stated enough… A lot can change in a year.

But what hadn’t changed much in a year, or in the previous year, for that matter, was how much Lake loved relaxing by the lake that was her namesake.

That’s actually what she was doing right now—relaxing by the lake as she waited for Jesse to come back from swim practice. Normally he didn’t have them on Sundays, but there was a big competition coming up and his coach wanted the team to be as prepared as they could, since they were facing their biggest rivals. Typically, she would spend times like those hanging out with Nate or playing videogames or something (or catching up on the homework she’d procrastinated on), but today Nate had invited a friend over and they’d decided to monopolize the gaming systems. She’d spent a little time watching them, but then they’d decided to break out the really old PC games and had started playing Shrine Circus Tycoon—reminding Lake of the Lucky Cat Car, and a few other apology letters she probably needed to write.

Like her most recent one, addressed to Randall.

Randall had always been… interesting to encounter on the train. He was always really friendly and amicable, but he had some really, really weird priorities. On the one hand, it made it really easy to get his help with things, so long as you could navigate the conversation properly. On the other… because of how fixated he could get on certain things (mainly donut holers, despite seemingly not knowing what donuts actually were beyond their relative shape), it made talking to him and getting things done extremely difficult when you were in a hurry and just wanted some straightforward help. That’s honestly why Lake had gotten so frustrated with him in the Lucky Cat Car. She’d been annoyed about the whole “rigging the game in favor of passengers” thing, sure, but it was the way he’d immediately blown past the unfairness of the situation in favor of his donut holer fixation that made Lake lose her cool and storm off.

Randall hadn’t deserved her frustration: he was just doing his job as both a denizen and employee of The Cat. And considering some of The Cat’s rules, and the fact that her car had a debtor’s prison on board, there were some pretty major incentives for Randall to stick to the rules The Cat set forth. Also… well, Randall had sort of bent the rules for them already—the fact that he’d whispered when telling them that the games were rigged in Jesse’s favor more than likely meant he wasn’t supposed to be sharing that information, and considering that’s actually what led to Lake and Jesse starting to outright cheat at the games, he probably was more at risk for any other creative punishments The Cat might have thought of if she’d ever caught wind of what they were doing and where they’d gotten their information. Beyond that… well, it had finally gotten through Lake’s head that it wasn’t that the Infinity Train itself had anything against Lake personally; its very design meant that a lot of denizens were perfectly happy being denizens, and helping out passengers, and might not even be able to conceive of doing anything else—like she’d already realized about Alan Dracula and One-One.

So, yeah, even if she would never be able to apologize to him directly (and, privately, wasn’t entirely sure that Randall would necessarily understand that said apology was for her brief outburst and not, say, because she decided not to buy a donut holer from him), she still figured that she owed him one anyways. Besides—it was good to reminisce about some of the better people and denizens she’d met on the train at times.

And speaking of people she’d met on the train…

“Hey, Lake!” she heard call behind her, making her immediately flip onto her back from where she’d been sitting sprawled chest-down, check pressed against her arm and fiddling with a pencil as she tried to think of exactly what to say that could actually keep the aquatic denizen on-topic. She sat up, and, just as she’d thought she would, spied Jesse waving an arm at her as he jogged over.

“Jesse!” she called, lazily waving back. “Is practice finally over?”

“Yeah, we got out a little bit earlier than I thought we would,” he said as he flopped down beside her. “I wanted to surprise you at the house, but Nate and his friend said you’d come out here, so…”

Lake made a sound of assent, turning back to stare out over her namesake.

“Were you writing apology letters again?” Jesse asked, after a minute or so of staring at the beautiful view afforded by the waters.

She gave a sheepish grin in response. “Yeah… did the stack of papers give it away?”

“Well, I mean… more the crumpled-up balls of it, but…” her friend said cheekily, making her shove him in response.

He winced a bit—though, honestly, he was being a baby about it since she hadn’t even pushed him all that hard—but he was still smiling a little when he asked “Who is it for this time?”

“Randall,” Lake admitted, looking back over the lake as it rippled just the slightest bit—which was a little odd, considering the lack of breeze. But, then again, there may well have been a slight one that she just couldn’t feel all that well. While her metallic body didn’t mean she lacked a sense of touch, exactly, it did mean it was a bit dulled in comparison to normal human skin.

“Oh, Randall!” Jesse exclaimed, oblivious to Lake’s musings about the weather. “He was pretty cool!”

“You think every denizen was cool.”

“Not all of them!” Jesse protested. “Like… I don’t think Perry was cool!”

“Yeah, but you totally did for most of the time we spent with him—not to mention you still rave about his trick and loophole about the hands every few days!”

Jesse blushed. “Well it was a pretty cool loophole… except for the fact Alan Dracula didn’t like it…” he muttered, twiddling his forefingers a bit. Then he cleared his throat. “Anyways… Randall was really cool. Like, he was always down to hang out and take pictures, and he didn’t mind me accidentally falling into him, like, three times, and he always knew exactly what he wanted in life, y’ know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Lake admitted. “That’s… kind of why I’m writing him this apology letter, actually. It’s just so hard to get into his headspace sometimes!”

“I know what you mean,” Jesse said, turning to stare over the water. “But, I think it’s okay if you can’t? He seemed pretty nonjudgmental, overall. And, like I said—the falling into him multiple times thing? He was totally cool about it. So, he’d probably understand if your letter wasn’t perfect.”

“I guess,” Lake sighed, even as she briefly glanced over her recent attempt and then crumpled it up to add to the growing pile of rejects.

There was silence for a while, as both friends tried to think of what to say—Lake on her paper and Jesse aloud—before Jesse coughed into his hand.

“Maybe trying to say your apology out loud would help?” Jesse suggested awkwardly. “Like… doing that rubber duck thing that you told me Tulip used to do with that ferret-guy on her book covers?”

Lake raised a brow, and Jesse glanced at her and started rubbing the back of his neck as if to forestall the embarrassed blush that had started to rise there. “It’s just… Sometimes, I like to come out here and imagine that those dark spots in the water are Randall’s eyes. It helps me to practice talking to people and asserting myself since I kind of, uh, don’t really feel comfortable doing that in front of a mirror anymore.”

Lake didn’t know how to respond to that—with a joke, or sympathy, or a brush off—but before she had the chance to decide, she nearly fainted from shock when she heard a familiar voice say, “Oh, well you should have mentioned that’s what’s you were trying to do!”

It took a few moments of stunned silence before their bodies caught up with their brains enough to truly understand the ramifications behind that voice sounding as familiar as it did, and when that finally happened the two of them slowly turned back around to face the lake, and then their necks craned up, and up, and up…

…Until their eyes finally focused on the form of Randall, in all his watery glory, rising out of the lake before them and towering over the duo with a smile on his face.

“I did always wonder why you were craning your neck like that—it looked very uncomfortable!” the denizen continued, blithely unaware of the total shock shared by the two teens sitting on his shore. “From now on I’ll try to make it easier for you to see my eyes.”

“I—what the—?!” Jesse spluttered, unable to form a coherent sentence as he scuttled backwards in complete surprise.

Lake, meanwhile, was no less surprised, but admirably covered it up by jumping to her feet and giving the coherent, if short, demand of “How?!”

Randall, completely misinterpreting the demand, answered seriously, but no less cheerfully, “Oh, I know I’m rather tall, but it’s easier than you’d think!” He shrank down fully into the lake before expanding its banks a bit—nearly to the teens’ toes, in fact—so he could pop his face back up to be closer and more level to Lake’s and Jesse’s. “I’m very flexible, you see!”

Jesse gave a dull sort of nod—his brain still unable to fully comprehend the absurdity of the situation before him, and latching on to what little bits of sense and rationality it could. Lake’s brain, meanwhile, had latched instead onto more familiar territory: anger at the unfairness of life, especially as it pertained to her own wishes and circumstances. “No!” she all but exploded, stomping her foot in childish, petty jealousy. “I mean, how are you even here?! How did you manage to get off the train without a number?!”

“Oh, well that’s simple!” Randall said, shuffling back and rising up a bit to better get himself in the proper mindset for storytelling. “I couldn’t help but overhear the two of you discussing apology letters, so I suppose that’s a good place to start! See, after you left my booth in the Lucky Cat Car, my buddy Randall told me that I’d been a bit forceful in my donut holer pitch. After mulling it over for a little bit, I realized that Randall right. So, I left my friends Randal and Randall to man the booth while Randall and I went after the two of you—since I had an apology to make and Randall would be able to give a much better pitch, you see, since he has a much better head for business than I do. Well, we finally caught up with you and, wouldn’t you know it! When this passenger here fell into Randall that second time, he must have accidentally swallowed some of him because, there he was, sweating my friend Randall! Randall and I got briefly sidetracked giving Randall a handshake, and then, wouldn’t you know it, by the time I let go I’d ended up by that house of yours, in full view of this beautiful lake.

“So, I thought to myself, ‘Randall, that would be an excellent place to set up a satellite donut holer distribution center!’ I told Randall my plan, and he was in complete agreement. So, when you got back on the train, Randall decided to hitch a ride back with you to establish a supply line—since, like I said earlier, he has a much better head for business than I do!—while I set up shop here and think up a better pitch, as well as an apology! Honestly, it’s taken a bit more time than I thought it would, but I think I’ve finally got the perfect one!”

Randall nodded decisively, lightly hitting a watery fist to an equally watery hand and completely missing the incredulity on Jesse and Lake’s faces as he shrunk down again once more to Jesse’s eye level. “As an apology for my earlier forcefulness, as soon as Randall establishes that supply line for donut holers, I’ll offer you the premium pick of the first shipment at half-price! How does that sound?”

He held out a watery hand towards the human, who—despite still being extremely shocked by this turn of events—took it (was enveloped within its surprising warm depths) with a hesitant “S-sure, Randall, that… that sounds great!”

Then the two of them looked to the side after hearing the “Clang!” of Lake’s palm meeting her forehead as all of the revelations about Randall she’d been thinking about not even ten minutes previously—like his one-track mind when it came to donut holers, and the fact that one had to keep that in mind if they wanted to get anywhere with him in conversation—came rushing right back to her.

And along with them came the new realization that, for all that a lot could change in a year… Randall would always remain the same.

Perplexing, amiable, and obsessed with donut holers.

#infinity train #fanficiton #writing #hitting a birdie on infinite par #aka #born on the train

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isagrimorie · 5 years

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[January meme] Thirteenth Doctor for @braddersbangerz

Thirteenth Doctor of course :P for @braddersbangerz

Thirteen! I love her the moment I saw her, she worked for me really fast, I love the feeling I got in The Woman Who Fell to Earth where it felt like she had to paraphrase American Gods she's fighting for the sheer joy of it, for the fuckin' holy delight of it.

The thing about Thirteen is she was born amidst contrasts, the Doctor was actually contemplating death before they changed their minds last minute, this is a last-minute reprieve life. She wants to be joyful and new this time around and she's grabbing every instance of joy she can find but she's also actually depressed. She's being hopeful with all her being because if she lets go for one second she'll sink into a quicksand of despair, just like what happened in The Ghost Monument.

She pinned all her hopes on finding the TARDIS, and for everything to be fixed once she gets her TARDIS back that when she reached her destination and didn't find it -- everything went crashing all around her. She also didn't tell the team a lot about herself because she never intended to travel with any of them, it was the TARDIS that decided to keep the Humans for the Doctor until the Doctor became attached to them.

Still, the pattern of behavior has set in with the Doctor, she didn't tell them a lot about herself other than surface level because she never intended for them to stay. And when the team decided they wanted to stay, I think the Doctor made a conscious decision to just not say anything about her life.

She looks open and carefree, but she's actually closed off. She doesn't answer any personal questions about herself because as @missmarthanightingale put it:

ok but the doctor really has been going “due to various traumatic events, including the betrayal of my entire species followed up by that of my oldest friend, i will from now on refuse to acknowledge anything about my past beyond surface details”

I think that's a decent summation of where Thirteen's head at, and what's becoming more apparent since series 11, is that Thirteen shares Twelve's aversion to touch, but this time she's smart about it by not broadcasting it to anyone, since the last time they did, it seemed to encourage people rather than discourage people from coming into contact with him. Also, I feel like her touch telepathy is more sensitive this time around. (Again, I feel the text in series 12 is highly encouraging of that reading).

She's had a whole year (give or take a few more months in between) off from any kind of trauma and this year explodes into TRAUMA, BIG TRAUMA.

And this time around Thirteen doesn't know how to process it because she's supposed to be done with all this angst but here comes the Master, to paraphrase Dessa, her ex-best friend, ex-lover, excommunicated atheist (the list of things they used to be is longer than list of things they are) dragging all the baggage she thought she successfully stowed in the luggage compartment with added Gallifrey angst again.

She was done, she was out, but the Master pulled her back in and I think while anger is foremost in her mind there's a whole host of other messed up things too like: She hated Gallifrey and its society, and she wasn't going to step foot on that dusty orange rock again even if her lives depended on it. She saved them and then they turned around and stabbed her in the back.

She was glad to see the back of them but she never wanted them gone. She did that dance before and it's an old song but now played in a different tempo. I also don't think anger is the only thing she feels for the Master, because the Master during that message looked like how she felt post-Time War, back when she was in her Ninth (Tenth) life. Hollow. Regretful. Broken.

And now she's back to a lot of internalized anger, and I won't be surprised if she pulled out the psychic paper and just like with Twelve it would be full of swearing.

Thirteen's going to be in it for a while, and she's been dealing with it on a low simmer going on boil. On the other hand, it's so fun to watch the Doctor being 100% Sparkling Gallifreyan Sass. I can't wait to watch where all this is going tbh.

#doctor who #13th doctor #thirteenth doctor #end of decade #doctor who spoilers #dhawan!master #the master #january talking meme #january meta meme

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tenroseforeverandever · 4 years

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The Perfect Blend - Chapter 4

Characters: Tenth Doctor (aka James Noble); Rose Tyler; Clara Oswald; Amy Pond; Jeanne Poisson; Donna Noble; Sylvia Noble; Wilfred Mott; Mickey Smith; Martha Jones; Clyde Langer

Tags: Human AU; fake relationship AU; coffee shop AU; stalkerish!Reinette; hurt/comfort; angst; romance; fluff; Christmas; New Year; New Year’s kiss

Story Summary:

Trying to escape from an predatory ex-girlfriend who will not accept their break-up, James Noble (aka The Doctor) finds himself in a coffee shop where he meets a barista (aka Rose Tyler) who makes him the perfect cup of tea and lends a sympathetic ear to his tale of woe.

Chapter Summary: In which Mickey feels the need to connect the dots…

Chapter Notes: You’d think, with all this time in social isolation, I’d be more productive! Alas…

Hugs and kisses to the brilliant @rose--nebula and mrsbertucci for looking over this chapter. They kindly did this days ago, and I kept forgetting to post! Oops! LOL

Anyway, hope you enjoy. <3

Read also at: AO3; Tsp (when approved); FF

THE PERFECT BLEND - CHAPTER 4

NEW YEAR’S EVE

James felt cold panic clutch at his throat, stealing his breath. Here it was, late afternoon on New Year’s Eve, and he had yet to secure a date for the gala. He’d had no time to continue his quest today, as he’d spent the entire day at the University, setting up his fireworks display and tinkering with the holographic projectors. Then he’d rushed home to change into his (unlucky) tuxedo. Not that he believed in such superstitious nonsense, but he couldn’t help but notice, nothing good ever came of him wearing that blasted black suit.

On his return trip to the Uni for another quick systems check before guests started to arrive, he’d walked by Pete’s Coffee Dimension and, despite running late, had been drawn inside. He’d been tempted by the thought of a nice, fortifying cup of something hot, maybe even the “best cuppa in London”, and in the back of his mind, had been thinking maybe the pretty barista he had met there on his last visit would be there this time too. He’d been hoping to bask in her quiet compassion, even for just a few minutes before his life turned completely to hell.

But the barista hadn’t been there, sadly, just some bloke, who was pleasant enough, James supposed. He’d told James the barista’s name was Rose (a beautiful name that suited her perfectly!) and had just disappeared behind the counter to prepare him a cuppa, spouting some cryptic, vague assurances that he had the answer to all of James’ problems.

James was not reassured. He ran his hands through his hair and down his face. His heart was thrashing out of his chest. Blimey, he needed that cuppa… If he could only get it down his anxiety-tight throat.

Jeanne would be at the gala tonight, on his arm or not. She had her own ticket, he knew. And she would be relentless (proper predatory-level relentless) when she saw he’d come alone.

Despite his many varied (and increasingly desperate) attempts to do so, he hadn’t been able to find anyone who was suitable (or willing) to be his plus-one for tonight. He couldn’t ask his work colleagues. Most of them were considerably older than he and happily married, and he honestly didn’t think for a minute he’d be able to pull off a convincing act of love with any of those few who didn’t have prior attachments. He’d made some hesitant requests of the students and junior scientists he knew from various labs throughout the Science department, but they either all had plans for the evening (quite right, too!) or had just told him in no uncertain terms that they didn’t want to get involved in his dating debacle (also… quite right, too!)

There had been one graduate student whom he’d been hopeful about. She worked in the lab next to his and was sweet and smart, and he had always gotten along quite well with her. He also knew her to be unattached and, while not the sort to party, thought she would enjoy a festive evening at the gala. But Petronella Osgood had nearly passed out from an anxiety-induced asthma attack the moment he proposed his ruse, and James had spent the evening in the A&E with her as she recovered from the trauma. He decided right then, he wouldn’t press the matter with her any further. He didn’t wish to cause her any more stress, and upon further consideration, decided he would rather suffer the horrors of Jeanne on his own, than subject the poor girl to a potential confrontation with the French woman and her nasty temperament.

With his options rapidly dwindling, he’d even considered paying for an escort, but after some frantic research, he’d discovered that even the semi-reputable ones were ridiculously pricey, and while he would have had no trouble financially, it was a bloody waste of money. Surely Jeanne had already cost him enough. Besides, quite frankly, the idea of using an escort was… weeell… repugnant.

As a last-ditch measure, he’d called on his friend, Jack Harkness, a pan-sexual playboy, and a true friend, through and through. He’d expected Jack to be more than happy to help him stage a fake coming-out, announcing he was gay. Afterall, Jack had been trying to get into James’ pants for years, though not in any serious way. He was a tease, but he understood that James considered him to be a friend only… no benefits of a sexual nature attached. But, as it turned out, Jack had picked this festive season to finally set aside his lecherous ways and settle down. He’d announced to James that he had a new boyfriend, Ianto Jones, with whom he was “exclusive” and had lots of “plans for private New Year celebrations.”

And now… James was out of time. Doomed. And he was spending his last precious moments of a Jeanne-free life, hiding in a coffee shop, like the coward he was, desperate for a cuppa and a glimpse of an absentee barista.

He heaved a great, sad sigh, and taking off his glasses, allowed his head to sink into his hands, despair overcoming him.

“Rose! Rose!” Mickey hissed at her through the pass-through.

Rose rolled her eyes at Martha (who giggled in response) and sighed. “Honestly, Micks, can I not leave you alone for five minutes without something going wrong?” she teased as she approached the opening to the coffee bar. “What’s up?”

“Well, I might not bother to tell you now, since you’re being like that.”

“C’mon, Micks…”

“Oh, alright. I have a customer who’d like one of your cups of tea. Wanna put the kettle on?”

“That’s it? That’s what you wanted to tell me?”

“Yup. You know I don’t have the knack you have for making a good cuppa.”

“He’s not wrong,” Martha piped up from behind Rose.

“Oi,” Mickey protested, “I can make a decent cuppa, but as long as Rose is here… Besides, we don’t want the place to get a bad rep from my one substandard cups of tea. Oh, and yeah, it’s for here, so put it in one of the china cups and bring it out when it’s ready, yeah?”

“Bossy!” Rose chided with a grin.

“Someone needs to take charge, otherwise the two of you would be frittering away the time, blathering on about who-knows-what.”

“The nerve! I’ll have you know we’ve completely cleaned the storage room and done inventory, while you’ve made a couple of espresso shots and wiped down a few tables.” Rose turned to Martha. “Are you seriously planning to marry this one?”

Martha’s eyes gleamed. “For better or for worse, that’s what I hear. I guess this is the worse.”

Mickey grumbled at them. “Just hurry and get out here with that cuppa, yeah.” Then he turned and stomped away, out of Rose’s line of sight.

Five minutes later, Rose rushed out from the kitchen, with a hot teapot of Darjeeling, a couple of complimentary biscotti, and a china cup and saucer on a tray. She paused briefly to pick up the milk from the fridge, then raised her head and stepped out from behind the service counter. She stopped short at the sight before her.

It was him. The Doctor.

She twisted around to look behind her, taking in Mickey’s cheeky grin. “I’m gonna kill you,” she mouthed, her cheeks burning.

“Go on,” her friend mouthed back, gesturing her out into the seating area with a sweeping motion of his hands. Martha stepped up behind him and Rose sighed as she watched the young woman’s eyes light up when Mickey whispered to her who the customer was. She clapped her hands silently together, bounced on her toes, and motioned to Rose in no uncertain terms to move her arse out there and deliver the tea.

Shaking her head at her friends, Rose turned back to the seating area and, taking a deep, fortifying breath, she moved toward the Doctor’s table.

He was sat there with his head in his hands, looking miserable, his gorgeous fringe spilling through his fingers. He was wearing a tuxedo, so she assumed he had somewhere to be tonight and couldn’t help but wonder why he was here instead. Unless it had something to do with that ex-girlfriend of his…

But that wasn’t Rose’s business. He had ordered a cuppa, and she would deliver it to him. That was her job. Nothing more to it than that.

Then why, she wondered, was her heart throbbing somewhere in the region of her throat? Why was her mouth as dry as ash and her palms hot and sweaty? Why did she feel that faint, fluttering hope rising in her chest again, the one she’d felt every time the bell over the door had rung over the last few days? The difference was, this time, the source of that hope was actually sitting right in front of her, waiting for her to deliver him a cuppa.

She fought back her giddiness. I have to remain impartial, she told herself. She’d probably find out he wasn’t as wonderful as her memory (and imagination) had made him seem. He’d probably turn out to be a right arse. And maybe that would be for the best. After all, despite her protests to the contrary, she knew Clara was right: she’d been mooning about him since his first visit, prior to Christmas. She needed to get on with her life, and not spend her time fantasising over men she wasn’t nearly accomplished enough to date. Yes, surely, he was a truly horrible person.

With that fortifying thought in mind, she stepped up to his table.

James’ head shot up out of his hands when he heard the soft sound of a throat clearing hesitantly. He’d been so lost in his troubles, he’d not noticed anyone approaching his table. His bleary eyes struggled to make out the source of the sound: a haze of pink and yellow. He picked up his glasses and snapped them onto his face.

Instantly, a most welcome sight came into focus before him. The pretty barista… Rose… was standing before him, cheeks flushed the colour of her namesake, and holding a tray that held what he knew was certain to be the best cuppa in London. His troubles seemed to instantly recede in her presence. (Of course, he warned himself, they hadn’t actually receded, just been put on the backburner of his brain for a blessed few minutes.)

“Hello.” She offered him a shy smile and flushed a deeper shade of red.

He waggled his fingers at her. “Hello.”

“Hello…” she bit her bottom lip endearingly, “…Doctor.”

“That’s me!”

She nodded her head rapidly, fervently agreeing with this statement.

“Is that my tea?”

“Oh, blimey! Yeah… course…” With shaking hands, she unloaded the contents of the tray onto the table. “Would you like me to pour?”

He nodded this time, his usually non-stop gob failing him.

She set his cup in front of him and, lifting the little teapot, poured out his tea with a practiced flair, allowing a few bubbles to form on the surface. “For good luck…” she murmured, as she set the pot down.

“I’m sorry… what?”

“Oh… the bubbles… in your cup… they’re supposed to predict good fortune or some such rot. Generally, financially, but if they cling to the side of the cup… erm… like these ones…” her voice dropped to nearly subaudible levels and she averted her eyes from his, “…they foretell romance.”

“Romance?”

She picked at the little knit cozy covering the pot. “Erm, yeah… each bubble represents a… well… a kiss.”

He beamed at her, covering her fidgeting hand with his. It was warm and soft, and fit perfectly under his. “Thank-you… Rose? Right?”

She met his gaze with wide, wondering eyes and nodded again, a bashful smile tugging at one corner of her mouth. “Erm… yeah. Rose. Rose Tyler.”

“Rooooose Tyyyyler.” He rolled the words in his mouth, enjoying the sound and feel of them. “Weeeell, thank-you, Rose Tyler. Not that I believe in superstitions and portents, but I am prepared to suspend my disbelief for tonight. I am more than willing to entertain the possibility that you have changed my fortune with your expert tea pouring. Maybe tonight won’t be the disaster I thought it was going to be, after all.”

“That’s the spirit!” Rose cheered.

“Would you join me?” He reflexively squeezed her hand. “For a cuppa, that is?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d… I’d like that. I’m sure I can find an extra cup around here somewhere. Coffee shop and all, yeah.”

Mickey rocked from one foot to the other, his frustration building with each passing minute. “What are they on about?” he grumbled, gesturing at Rose and the Doctor. “Look at them! Look!”

Martha arched her brow at him. “Yeah, I see them.”

“What the hell is he waiting for, then? They’re obviously into each other. He’s holding her hand and they’re makin’ eyes at each other. It’s sickening, really. So why the hell doesn’t he just ask her out to that gala of his? Urrrrgh!”

“I think he may need a little help with that.”

“What? Why? She’s beautiful and available and–”

“Yeah, but from his point of view, she’s at work. And who knows what else is going on in his head. Maybe he just needs another little nudge.”

“Blimey, he needs more than a nudge. He needs someone to connect the bloody dots.”

“Off you go then, Mickey-Matchmaker. Go connect those dots.”

“Me? Why me? Don’t you think this might require a woman’s touch?”

“Look, this was your idea…”

Mickey glowered at his fiancée.

“Not that I think it’s a bad idea. Like you said, they’re obviously… attracted.”

“Attracted? They’re practically undressing each other with their eyes!”

“Right. All I’m saying is you need to go out and finish the job.”

“What about you? You just gonna stand here whilst I make a fool of myself?”

Martha flashed him a cheeky grin. “Yeah, something like that. Consider it moral support.”

“Pffft, moral support, my arse.” He scowled. “Well, since you’re obviously gonna leave me high and dry… here goes!” He took a step out toward the table where Rose and the Doctor were lost in each other’s gazes but pulled up short at Martha’s next words.

“Oh, and by the way, for my part, I already contacted Amy.” She arched a smug brow.

“And…”

“She can’t wait to help out. Champing at the bit, she is!” Then Martha added in a stage-whisper, “So Rose will have no excuses. Don’t let her worm her way out of this.”

James sat staring blankly at the bloke (Rickey?), a piece of biscotti half-way to his mouth. His brain had surged into overdrive, processing information and probabilities, but it seemed to have forgotten it was connected to his gob, which opened and closed uselessly. He looked over at Rose who gawped back at him with an expression that probably mirrored his own.

He had to admit, the bloke’s plan had merit. He could see himself falling for this girl. If he was being honest, he was already teetering at the edge. He’d just never considered asking a total stranger to accompany him to the gala (apart from his fleeting research into escorts), and he wasn’t entirely sure Rose was even vaguely interested. For one thing, it was all very last minute, the epitome of last minute; frankly, if he could define last minute, this would be it. Secondly, weeell, while she obviously didn’t have any plans to celebrate the New Year, she had plans… working-type plans, plans that were obviously very important to her. And much more important than his stupid University Gala. And, C, no three… thirdly, why the hell would she even want to go out with him? He thought he’d felt some attraction between them, but she didn’t know anything about him… zip, zilch, nada, nought! He could be an axe-murderer for all she knew, a rapist, a–

His rambling thoughts screeched to a halt as he saw her expression morphing from shock and bewilderment to…

“What the actual fuck, Mickey?” she hissed at the young man who stood before them with a proud grin on his face. Her face was now fiery with embarrassment and anger. “How dare you?”

James tugged on his ear and watched, helpless, as Rickey’s grin collapsed. “But it’s perfect, babe, don’t you see?” James had to give the man credit. He’d never be able to face the wrath this bloke was facing, despite having survived Donna (and Aunt Sylvia) for many years. “He needs a date. You need to get a life. Simple.” Rickey (the idiot) ploughed on, clearly oblivious or indifferent to the immediate threat to his existence.

“Oh, I need to get a life, do I?” Rose snarled. “What is all of this, then?” She gestured around the shop. “Seems to me I have a life. A perfectly good life, thank-you very much. I don’t need you–”

“Yeah? Well, me and Martha, we think you do. Babe, you never see beyond these four walls, except to go upstairs–”

“To my home!”

“Home then. My point is, you never leave this building, except to pick up things for the shop.”

“This is my dream…”

“Look, Rickey…” James interjected, shooting a glance at Rose, who was glaring at her friend with pursed lips.

“It’s Mickey!” Mickey snapped.

“Right, sorry… Mickey then… Look, mate, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, and I certainly wouldn’t say no to having Rose on my arm at the Gala this evening, but–”

Rose swept around to face him, the fire in her eyes dying out and a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. “You wouldn’t?”

James ran his hand through his hair again (he must look a mess…) “Weeell, no… no, of course not… I’d be honoured… Would you like to come?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Would you, though?”

“Yeah!”

“I just thought because you don’t really know me…”

“Yeah, I thought because you don’t really know me… and I just… I just work in a shop; you might not want me to…”

“Oh, I’d love you to come,” he gushed.

James sensed, rather than saw Mickey backing slowly away. His attention was riveted on the beautiful, blushing woman sitting before him. She beamed at him, her tongue touching the corner of her mouth. “Okay.”

He beamed in return, but his smile quickly dropped away, doubts racing back to the front of his mind. “But you… I mean, you don’t know the first thing about me….” He glanced down at the remains of his biscotti, pushing the crumbs around with a restless finger.

Rose’s hand closed over his, stopping his fidgeting. “I know a little… and,” she fixed him in her warm gaze, “I’d like to know more… But, oh God… oh no! I don’t have anything to wear. Certainly nothing that would do for an event like this one!”

“All taken care of,” a young woman James hadn’t noticed before piped up from the service counter. “Amy is more than happy to lend you something. It’s all arranged.”

“But, Martha…”

“No excuses!” Mickey added. “You’re going! You deserve to get out and enjoy yourself.”

Rose turned her nervous smile back to James and shrugged her shoulders. “I guess I’m going, then. That is if you’d still like me to come.”

James felt his spirits soar. For the first time in weeks he didn’t feel like he was plunging head-first into the depths of despair. Maybe his tux wasn’t such a portent of doom, after all. “Oh, yes!” He swept to his feet and offered her his hand. “It’s a date!”

“Yeah…” she chirped, standing and lacing her fingers with his, “…I guess it is!”

“Oh, yes!” he repeated. “Allons-y, Rose Tyler.”

#ficandchips #ten x rose #human au #coffee shop au #fake dating #stalkerish ex #romance #hurt/comfort #fluff #angst #christmas #new year #new year's kiss #tenroseforeverandever's fic

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myfandomrambles · 5 years

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C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

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