#to try and provide us with some kind of normalisation

[a-commas-a-pause]

Ok right I need to get to the bottom of this because otherwise it's going to bother me:

Aka: do you all love the movie more because you're all experiencing (understandable!) nostalgia for a childhood classic I first saw in my 20s, or is the movie really just That Good and I'm the weird one for missing the various long-winded tangents/sidenotes/subplots such as "Buttercup's incredibly dysfunctional parents" and "most beautiful woman in the world leaderboard" and "five best kisses in the world" and "now the 'author' is going to tell us WAY too much about his personal life and how he's contemplating cheating on his wife for some reason" and so on?

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Andrew Doyle

Published: Apr 23, 2024

“All of my friends are dead.” It was said in his customary matter-of-fact tone, without the slightest hint of self-pity. This was Robin, my supervisor at university, who would often discuss his pre-academic life and what it was like to be a gay man during the worst of the Aids crisis. That he had survived at all struck him as incredible.

In those early days, the sense of an angel of death targeting a particular community seemed like the realisation of a nightmare. When it first emerged in the US it was known as GRID (gay-related immune deficiency). An article appeared in the New York Times on 3 July 1981 with the ominous headline: “Rare cancer seen in 41 homosexuals.” Some called it the “gay plague”.

Confusion turned into widespread panic, not limited to the gay community. The first time I heard of the disease was during a PE lesson at primary school. Such was the general ignorance that our teacher warned us not to borrow each other’s plimsolls or we’d catch Aids. Some time later I saw the government’s public health advert on the television; I remember little about it except the large tombstone with the dreaded four-letter acronym as an epitaph.

In the 40 years since the virus was identified, there has been a sea-change in attitudes. Whereas the government’s campaign set out to frighten people with the message “it’s a deadly disease and there’s no known cure”, a recent advert by the Terrence Higgins Trust reminds people that those diagnosed with HIV “can live a healthy, happy life just like anyone else”. Much of the stigma has dissipated.

The same is true of homosexuality itself. One could say that while the Aids crisis exacerbated the hatred and mistrust against an already beleaguered community, it also spurred activists onto the pathway to normalisation. Whereas the pursuit of a gay lifestyle was romanticised — or demonised — as a dance of Eros and Thanatos, a way to ensure that one remained beyond the scope of civilised society, today the very notion of being orientated towards one’s own sex is largely perceived as unremarkable. Those who bleat about their oppression as gay people in a climate of widespread tolerance are luxuriating in a kind of perverse nostalgia for a reality they could never comprehend.

For those who lived through it, the Aids crisis was a moment when the concept of a “gay community” actually meant something. Lesbians were instrumental in providing support for their gay brothers, and amid the loss there was a sense of greater solidarity. I remember seeing a production of Larry Kramer’s The Normal Heart in New York in 2004. The audience mostly comprised of older gay men, and Kramer was among them. Afterwards, people were visibly shaken from watching the worst of their past so unflinchingly dramatised. One man approached Kramer and, through his sobs, I heard him simply say: “thank you”.

Kramer has been credited as a kind of Cassandra figure, one who had warned that the hedonism of gay life in the late Seventies would lead to trouble. His novel Faggots (1978) was loathed by conservatives for its graphic depiction of the sexual free-for-alls of New York’s bathhouse culture, but it was also mistrusted by the gay community for its moralising implications. Its lead character is on an impossible quest to find meaningful love in a world of fleeting sexual encounters. Kramer was criticising what he saw as a sybaritic and morally vacuous culture, and the sense of an impending reckoning has led to the novel being interpreted as predicting the outbreak of Aids.

When the crisis exploded, Kramer was one of those calling on gay men to exercise sexual temperance, and to shut the bathhouses until the virus could be contained. For this he was accused of being a puritan and a traitor to the gay lifestyle. His play The Normal Heart is set around this time, and in one furious monologue a character rails against a Kramer-type figure for trying to make gay men feel ashamed of their own liberation.

For the ultra-religious, Aids was seen as a righteous punishment from God. Many had been appalled at the promiscuity that inevitably arises when women are no longer in the equation. Male sexuality has always been contained to a degree by the institution of marriage, but gay men had been forced to exist on the periphery. There was no need to abide by sexual mores, because the rules had clearly not been written with them in mind. In other words, sex became an integral aspect of their own defiance against the society that had shunned them.

It always seemed a catch-22. Gay men were loathed for their sexual licentiousness, and at the same time excluded from the very ethical framework that would, to a degree, offer some kind of incentive against it. In his 1982 lecture, “Rediscovering gay history”, the historian John Boswell addressed this fundamental contradiction and argued for the need for a gay archetype or moral aspiration. He pointed out that when a straight man cheated on his wife, he at least knew that he was falling short of society’s expectations. But the same could not be said for gay men:

“I think that part of the reason for the ambivalence of the intellectual establishment in the United States is that they can’t tell when they read a book like Edmund White’s States of Desire, whether the life of casual promiscuity it depicts represents a homosexual ideal or the failure of an ideal. Are they reading about what gay people should do, what they do, or both, or neither? So they don’t know how to fit it into their usual critical apparatus. They don’t understand what would be a departure from homosexual ethics because they don’t know what homosexual ethics would be. And neither do we.”

Boswell was right that this ambivalence existed within and without the gay community. When William Friedkin’s film Cruising was released in 1980, the most vehement opposition came from gay campaigners who feared that it would depict them as being inherently deviant. And yet the movie had been shot in the leather bars of New York City, and the real-life sex acts that were filmed were hardly atypical. This subculture may not have been reflective of gay society as a whole, but it certainly existed.

Perhaps it could be said that the activists who sought to ban Cruising won out in the end. Their implicit goal was that gay people could be brought under the aegis of heterosexual respectability — that they could, in other words, live as conventionally as everybody else. It didn’t surprise me at all, therefore, that it was a conservative government in the UK that eventually legalised same-sex marriage. It would appear that we have seen the cultivation in the Western world of the kind of shared ethical ideals that Boswell seemed to crave. Gay monogamy is no longer seen as an oxymoron.

Many gay rights groups, of course, opposed same-sex marriage. To them, it was a way to control gay people, to bring them within the same heteronormative yoke that dominated the rest of society. This debate echoed those of The Normal Heart, where there was a fear of an attempt to “civilise” those who had found freedom in occupying a realm outside of social convention. To be gay was to be different, and for many this was a source of pride. An older gay man once told me that sex was far more exhilarating when it was illegal. It meant that even the most casual sexual encounter was a little act of rebellion.

But even as tolerance has increased, anti-gay feeling has not gone away. The Aids crisis galvanised such prejudices, and of course religious fundamentalists have always opposed those who they deem to be acting against the wishes of their various gods. Today, these prejudices are resurfacing through the obsession with gender identity, an ideology that shames gay people for not being attracted to members of the opposite sex and has been responsible for the government-funded medicalisation of gay youth. In many ways, this is a “progressive” rehash of Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988, with its prohibition in schools against the “promotion” or “acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”.

The instinctive disgust that many people feel towards those who do not share their own sexual inclinations is seemingly hard-wired, and so what we call “homophobia” will always emerge in one way or another in a majority heterosexual culture. But at least to be gay is no longer defined solely by the sexual act, and that for one man to fall in love with another is widely considered to be an unexceptional fact of life. The gay rights activists of yesteryear weren’t necessarily calling for universal indifference, but perhaps we’ll get there in the end.

[keepmeinmind-01]

Hi! I loved your hcs about Newt dealing with a teenaged Theseus. I was wondering what if it was the reverse where an adult Theseus had to deal with an teenaged Newt (again).

Have a lovely day!

Thank you so much for your message! Dropping some more headcanons here :D

• 17 year old Newt, without any memories of Leta’s death, is very much not interested in the mission against Grindelwald. The team aren’t sure how to get him engaged. In particular, this irritates Theseus, but he’s also not about to tell his little brother about everything that’s happened: especially because a 17 year old Newt remembers Leta and would be devastated to hear about what happened to her.

• Not to mention the eventual drama of Theseus and Leta meeting in around 1920 and getting engaged to boot.

• Newt is enraptured by how advanced his case and its habitats have become. Everyone’s worried about how Newt is dealing with being a teenager again, but no one can pin him down to even ask the question.

• Newt spends the first two weeks in his case, wandering through it with awe, getting to know all the beasts he’s collected in the past few decades again. They all intuitively recognise his caring manner and help ground him in this new present.

• Newt is shy and almost antisocial. Theseus tells the team that they have to let him do what he wants, as by this age, in their childhood, Theseus would have liked to have just given up on trying to control or normalise Newt (even if he couldn’t the first time around, but he won’t make this mistake again, for the sake of everyone’s happiness).

• Newt takes time to get comfortable enough with the team to talk or sit for very long. No one minds and Newt slowly starts doing his own thing in the team’s proximity.

• When Newt is too overwhelmed to talk, Theseus uses their childhood sign language or encourages him to write notes.

• Newt believes Theseus is the real Theseus. After all, Theseus has always been old and serious in his eyes. And this Theseus is indeed just older and more serious, so it tracks.

• Newt is a little bashful around Tina and even goes so far as to leave her a small bouquet of hand-collected flowers one day. Everyone watches with both pride and slight trepidation. They’ve got to get adult Newt back so that this isn’t so awkward anymore and the two can get on with their dating in peace!

• Newt doesn’t follow any instructions if he’s not interested. They take to bringing him on missions as a kind of unpredictable wild card, as he’s skilled at accidentally or deliberately creating chaos. This takes years off Theseus’s life but they’re all very careful about making sure teen Newt is safe.

• Every single dinner conversation, when Newt doesn’t just grab food and run back to his case, becomes about creatures eventually. At first, Newt is quite tentative when he brings them up, as he’s used to being called weird or ignored. But when the team try and listen as enthusiastically as they can, suddenly Newt relaxes, talks freely, and even shows off a little with his unparalleled knowledge.

• Theseus is secretly pleased that his brother is young and kind of adorable again. He keeps dragging Newt off on “brotherly bonding” activities that start with arguments but always end happily.

• For some reason, I have this mental image of Theseus taking them fishing and then being the one to fall into the river.

• Theseus would notice the effects of their difficult childhood on 17 year old Newt more clearly. He would want to provide guidance and support in a way he couldn't back then because of their estrangement. And he can do so in a way that incorporates balance and hindsight.

• When Newt inevitably tries to smuggle in some random creature, Theseus would have to put his foot down without laughing at how young Newt and normal Newt are exactly the same in that regard.

• “Classic Newt”.

• When Newt had nightmares, he'd unconsciously go sleep in Theseus's room on the floor like when they were young. Theseus doesn't have the heart to make him go back, even though Theseus’s need for personal space at his current age is immense.

• (specific to my AU) Newt is confused when he casually touches Theseus and he flinches. As a teen he remembers Theseus easily giving affection. Theseus uses the “Auror mission” excuse again and again until Newt gets annoyed, to which Theseus points out he’s had twenty years of Auror missions that young Newt doesn’t know about to shut the conversation down.

• When Lally comes over, Newt asks if she's Theseus's new girlfriend. Lally laughs while Theseus quickly changes the subject, not ready to explain.

• Everyone in the team is constantly lending Newt clothes because he gets his own so dirty and torn. Newt had a late growth spurt and at 17 is a few inches shorter.

• Newt at 17 is not used to having this many friends and alternates between going to hang out in his case to calm down from the overwhelmed feeling and giving everyone little thoughtful gifts to show that he’s grateful. He never gives them directly but leaves them in places he knows they’ll be found.

• Newt often tells Theseus that his older brother is “not being himself”, because he remembers Theseus a very specific way and is a little confused that there are even multiple sides to him. This lands better - as a joke - and worse - as an accidental insult - at times.

• Newt earnestly keeps making everyone go on outdoor excursions to cheer them up. They’re also a good excuse for him to sneakily do some creature work while technically being part of the group and mission.

• The regular and reassuring environment means Newt slowly relaxes enough to be himself in the environment without some of the occasional prickliness. He’s happily eccentric and it isn’t questioned. In fact, everyone has a lot of fun.

• Jacob and Newt become partners in crime in pulling the occasional prank on the serious members of the team. Newt has a big sweet tooth when he’s not eating plain toast.

• 24/7 “WHERE’S NEWT???!!!”

[a-queer-seminarian]

What happens to disabilities in heaven? From “Stop Trying to ‘Heal’ Me” by Damon Rose

...For the Reverand Zoe Hemming, these contemporary readings of Christian scripture have provided new ways of seeing - and coming to terms with - her own disability.  

"I can't believe it took me this long to realise it," she says, "but when Jesus rose from the dead, his risen body still had scars," explaining that crucifixion left holes in his hands and feet as well as his side. "It was profound for me to realise that the most powerful symbol of the disabled body in the Christian story is His."

She says she is glad that Jesus didn't come back from the dead as physically whole and perfect. "He came back better than perfect," she says. "He wore his scars because they told his story. That's the Jesus that I find in Christianity, not the one that wants to normalise everybody."

Prof Moss says the fact that Jesus retains his scars after the Resurrection suggests that disabled people might also retain their disabilities in the afterlife - something she hopes for herself.

"I think that if I'm not disabled in heaven, I'm not myself so I certainly hope I'll still be disabled in heaven. I certainly hope that I don't feel pain in heaven - that seems antithetical to what heaven is. But I still want to be me. And I don't think that I would be me without the conditions that I have. It's shaped who I am, how I think, what I do. Everything about my life involves this part of myself, which is integral to who I am."  

I understand this. My visual impairment, along with the things I've come to love and cherish as a result of having it, is so bound up with my identity, I would feel a bit weird if I were to suddenly not be blind. That said, I think on balance it would be quite handy being able to see.

I asked Lyndall Bywater, who is also blind, if she would like to be disabled in heaven. "Oh no I hope not," she replies. "That isn't because I think that there's anything wrong with being blind and I've thoroughly enjoyed it thus far. I just want to be able to get in a sports car and drive a sports car. That's really what I want to do. So I'm desperately hoping."

But despite her personal hopes, she believes some people will retain their disabilities in the afterlife.

"The Christian message does have in it this sense of restoration," she says. "Now what restoration looks like for each of us may well be different. I suspect there might be some surprises in heaven as to people that are like: 'Do you know what, I have still got this disability because restoration for me was never about that.'"

Prof Candida Moss thinks disability may not have the same meaning in heaven as it does in this life: "I don't know if you would need to see in heaven. Saint Augustine has a whole conversation about how he's not sure it's necessary to be able to see in heaven to love God. That might be because, when you look at descriptions of heaven, people just kind of stand around singing to God, so it might not be as necessary to be able to see because I don't really know what it's like. None of us do."...

I was really taken by something Lyndall Bywater said to me. She said the "sighted world" might find it difficult to believe, but she thinks that being alive and at peace with yourself while being blind is a bigger miracle than having your sight restored. ...

[tracingpatternswrites]

Top 5 excuses for when you need to abandon a social engagement (help a girl out ahead of this busy festive socialising season 🤣) 🧡🧡🧡

Hah, brilliant question my love, we all need a break every now and then and I will happily share my secrets 😉

“I’m not feeling 100%” - the most obvious one. I also feel like this is even better now after the pandemic because you can just show how responsible you are. Not 100% can also mean almost anything, you can decide for yourself if you want it to develop into a whole thing (to cancel the whole week) or be over quickly (to still do the next thing).

"Something's come up" - be vague. One thing I've learnt is that the more details you provide the more it sounds as if you're lying. If something really has come up you know it has and you don't bother with details because you know it's true. When people add details it's because they want to convince you. Red flag.

"The kids are ill" - I don't have kids so I can't use this but my friends seem to do all the time. Also, kids get ill all the time and then they get better immediately before they get ill again so it's an excuse you can use over and over.

"I've got a doctor's appointment." - Again, be vague. No-one can seriously start questioning what kind of doctor's appointment or why you need to. If you want to add some details, I usually go with "it's probably nothing but they had a cancellation and I don't want to risk having to wait for weeks". I mean, I don't know how the NHS is these days but here, quick doctor appointments are like gold.

"I'm just not feeling up for it/I'm so tired." - Look, sometimes it's okay to be honest. Me and my friends are trying to normalise being honest about these things because sometimes you just need to have an evening at home to write fic do nothing and that's okay. Sometimes we're just bloody tired and that's okay too.

put “top 5” anything in my ask and i will answer ok go

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

Writing smut without cringing the whole time? How do you do it.

Writing Smut 101: Overcoming Smut Shame

CONTENT WARNING: NSFW RELATED CONTENT BELOW.

The short answer, nonnie, is: you don’t. 

That is to say, writing smut is always kind of cringe—especially if you’re new to it, or simply “not in the mood” to write. 

But rest assured, feeling embarrassed is completely natural. The trick is learning how to overcome the cringe when it does happen, instead of letting it deter you.

I’m going to break this up into a few sections: 1) Why you might be feeling this way, 2) How I, personally, combat the issue, and 3) Some more tips that might help you get the ball rolling.

1. Why You “Cringe”

It’s important to find the root cause of any form of writer’s block so you can pull the weed out instead of just trimming it back. Smut writer’s block is its own special brand, and generally, the main issue writers have when it comes to smut is stigma.

Speaking openly and honestly about sex, in Western society, is still very much a taboo.

No matter how “progressive” we like to think we are, the inherent shame surrounding pleasure-seeking experiences, and the detailing/consumption of them, has been ground into us since we learned how to understand the concept of gratification.

And I’m not just talking about sexual gratification. This applies to everyday things, as well. Eating, shopping, relaxing (or doing virtually anything in capitalist society that does not directly contribute to capitalism).

So it makes sense that you would feel any amount of embarrassment, awkwardness, or “cringe” when writing smut. It’s something our society teaches us is wrong to want. Unfortunately, that shame translates to writer’s block when we sit down in front of the computer.

A lot of this blockage might stem from not giving ourselves permission to write the thing.

We’re staring at the blank document, knowing we want to write smut, and suddenly the thoughts start streaming in: This feels wrong, is this wrong? What if someone comes in and looks over my shoulder while I’m writing? Am I describing this right? Is this too unrealistic? I have NO idea what I’m doing, and everyone is going to know it.

These are all perfectly normal thoughts, and definitely ones I still have from time to time. But they’re also probably the direct cause of why you feel so blocked. Luckily, I have some bits of advice to give you on how to unblock yourself.

2. How I Combat Smut Block

✦ First, when the intrusive thoughts occur, instead of ruminating on them, think of each one as an impermanent object. You can use any metaphor, but I like to use the imagery of leaves:

Each negative thought is a leaf floating down the river of your mind. If you focus only on the leaf, you’ll exert a lot of energy running to try and keep up with it, consequently miss everything else around you. But if you acknowledge that leaf as a temporary part of the scenery, and let is pass, you can process and appreciate the beauty of your surroundings a whole lot better.

Remember: you are separate from your thoughts. You are not defined by them. The things you think sound stupid might be incredibly exciting to someone else. 

If you can string a sentence together, you can write smut. This is all part of giving yourself permission to write the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable.

✦ Second, I’d suggest giving good thought to how you personally experience embarrassment, how you experience excitement (of the sexual variety), and how those two might sometimes commingle or feel similar.

For me, they are very comparable, like different shades of the same emotion—but there are differences which are important to note. 

If I’m making myself blush from excitement, this is a very good thing for writing smut. It means that what I’m writing feels real enough to evoke something in the reader, even if the reader, like me, knows what’s going to happen.

If I’m making myself cringe, however, it may be time to take a step back and readjust my perspective.

✦ Third, ease yourself into it! Don’t jump straight in the deep end and expect to know how to keep your head above water if you’ve never swum before.

The way I eased myself into smut was first by writing “Steam”—a category of fic I made up because the current vocabulary lacked an efficient term for fics that straddled emotional romance and explicit content. 

Essentially, steam is smut-adjacent but not explicit, and here’s a step-by-step example of how I transitioned myself smoothly from one genre to the next:

I first wrote my fics Wicked Game and You Are (both of which feature either a heavy make out session or teasing + lots of sexual tension) with this “steam” concept in mind.

I wrote the first chapter of Fine Line, which has brief but explicit descriptions of fantasies, framed by a very sexually charged scene.

I released my fic Crashing, which is probably more of a bridge between Steam and Smut, and features soft-focus fingering. Nothing in it is explicit—it focuses more on the emotions than explicit detail—but it’s very clear what is happening.

After I wrote those, I felt just confident enough to make that final stride over the threshold into smut. I wrote my fics Holy, King, and the second chapter of Fine Line all within weeks of each other.

And trust me when I say, once you get the momentum going and receive that validation from people who’ve read your work, it becomes SO much easier to sit down and start writing. 

You just have to finish that first piece.

✦ Finally (and I know I’m going to sound cliche when I say this), just like any other skill, the more you practice the more confident you will feel and the better you will get. 

So practice, practice, practice! 

If you’re nervous about posting smut for the first time, have a trusted friend/mutual Beta read it for you. It’s the online equivalent to someone holding your hand before jumping off the cliff, and works wonders for the nerves.

3. Keep The Smut Rolling

Now that you have some tools to help get you past the blockage of writing smut, here’s how to keep the inspiration flowing.

✦ Start by incorporating smutty fanfiction/erotic fiction into your regular reading rotation- 

Of course AO3 is a fantastic resource for smutty fanfiction. 

If you’re a fan of TFOTA or ACOTAR and want some of my personal fic recs, visit my fic rec masterlist.

In terms of erotic fiction, my personal favourites are anything Anais Nin (specifically Henry & June and Delta of Venus), The Thornchapel series by Sierra Simone, The Godwicks series by Tiffany Reisz, and The Original Sinners series by Tiffany Reisz.

There are also sites like Literotica and sexstories.com, which play host to explicit short fiction (not fandom based).

✦��Next, I’d recommend having a designated digital space for smutspiration- 

This can be a list of “smutty” words/phrases kept on a separate document on your computer, for those days when you just can’t think of the right way to describe something. 

Or you can create a private side-blog or Pinterest board for your favourite smutty fanart or other kinds of visual smutspiration.

✦ For that matter, try following some smutty/18+ blogs (ONLY IF YOU’RE 18+) here on Tumblr-

Many of them have a plethora of what I like to call “lemony snippets”, a.k.a. short text posts that describe (usually in conversational language) explicit scenarios. 

This is useful because it will normalise the concept of sexual fantasies in your brain, making it less weird for you when you try to come up with ones of your own to write into smut. 

Not to mention, your dash will be rife with inspiration.

✦ I would also suggest checking out 18+ ASMR on YouTube (AGAIN, ONLY IF YOU’RE 18+). 

My favourite account is Professor Cal Official, but Auralescent also has some good content. 

Headphones are highly advisable for this, as their stuff is very dangerous for work.

So, nonnie, I hope this has provided you with at least one helpful tip. Whether you took anything away from this or not, just know that the feelings of embarrassment when it comes to writing smut are entirely normal. And the best way to keep those feelings at bay is to confront them head on. 

-Em 🖤🗡

Writing Advice Masterlist

Writing Masterlist

2K Celebration!

[dissociative-disaster]

I haven’t been using tumblr a long time - I made my account in 2020, I think - but I’m genuinely concerned about these changes the staff are making. Like @aeolianblues said, Tumblr has always been somewhat an inverse of a typical social media platform, fundamentally. That is, the typical formula for a social media platform is:

Revenue is generated through ad deals.

Advertisers get more success from increased viewership of ads.

More ads are shown proportional to user engagement.

Therefore, more revenue is generated proportional to user engagement.

This inevitably leads to three main user-mental-health-fucker-overers:

Endless feeds organised by algorithms.

Built-in encouragement to tie your identity and self-worth to your social media presence.

Built-in encouragement of hostile argument.

So, point 1 is simple: your bottom line depends on users seeing more ads. Users see more ads if they spend more time on the site. They spend more time on the site if they see content that’s similar enough to what they see already that they won’t be repulsed, but different enough in substance that they won’t get bored. So, you make an algorithm that provides an endless amount of this, mathematically optimised to generate maximum user time retention. An intended part of this is to create echo chambers of argumentative people who agree with each-other just enough to sort themselves into an ingroup, and furthermore it leads the user down endless paths of ever-compounding ‘for you’ opinions, creating the perfect conditions to radicalise people to reactionary, conspiracy-theory, and fascist thinking. See all the mental health problems resultant.

Point 2: by encouraging users to tie their real-life identity closely with their social media presence, you can do two things: One, you can encourage them to spend more time on your platform, trying to get famous. Make an arbitrary reward that boosts their appearance in algorithms - likes - and get them to tie their self-worth to that number. Profit. Two, you can use data collected from their use of your platform (users followed, tags liked, etc.), combined with data about their person, to create a terrifying database of really specific personal profiles of your users, that you can sell to advertising companies to make targeted ads with. Profit. Just try and quietly ignore both the inherent and obvious mental health consequences of people tying their minds to internet numbers, and the millions-scale invasion of privacy you just did with the profile doo-biz.

3: Simple, really. People spend more time on your site if they feel like they’re accomplishing some moral thing with their posts. So you get them to argue over whatever issues they feel strongly about. The more vitriolic these arguments get, the better, even if the substance of the disagreement is completely meaningless. Because it drives engagement. And if the arguments do have real moral substance - say, the rights of minorities - then that’s even better! Because then people start arguing about the arguments, and suddenly your whole site is a battleground and you’re a carrion crow! Obviously this has many awful consequences for the users, like rampant bullying of minorities, the reinforcement of anti-intellectualism and conspiracy theories, and the inevitable normalisation of fascist rhetoric, but you don’t care! You’re rich!

Do you see the problem?

Tumblr has always been kind of the opposite of this. At least mostly. Because the user’s feed is mainly just a chronological list of posts from blogs and tags they follow, the user has a great degree control over what they see. They aren’t led down rabbit holes of increasingly-radical opinions by the algorithm, because that’s not how this algorithm works.

Users’ self-worth isn’t so tied to ‘getting famous’ or whatever because ‘getting famous’ on tumblr doesn’t have that illusion of authority you get on other platforms. Because posts circulate mainly via direct reblogging, likes don’t give you a significant algorithmic edge, and the culture is different here to a degree that -despite there being famous blogs- fame does not grant authority. Delightful though they are, I’d hazard a guess that very few people would seriously consider voting for pukicho in a real-life election.

User data also isn’t used to sell things in the same way. Because tumblr accounts are publicly anonymous, there’s usually very little that ties a tumblr blog to a real person. It’s one thing to recognise dissociativeDisaster the tumblr communist who likes hermitcraft, and quite another to use that information to sell shit to [REDACTED] the real person.

Finally, arguments are not so personal and vitriolic here - partly also as a result of anonymity. But because people don’t generally tie their sense of self to their tumblr blogs, and because the dashboard isn’t a recommendation feed, there’s not (as much of) that vitriolic, toxic brainrot that you get on reddit or The Platform Formerly Known As Twitter.

This is why I came here, actually. Although I’ve never had a twitter account and never will, I did spend about two years of my life (and I only get one life) using reddit. It made me genuinely anxious and insecure. I deleted my reddit account after breaking down crying over an argument I’d had with a transphobe actually, and while people will probably think that sounds stupid, I’d gotten so invested in what shouting heads on reddit thought of me that i became genuinely distraught over it. While I know stuff like that can happen on tumblr, it’s not the predominant experience, and it’s not (currently) being pushed by the platform.

The point is, a social media platform is defined by its functional features - the minute mechanics of notifications and algorithms effect the way people use the platform, which in turn influences the effect the platform has on its users. If Tumblr shifts its features to be fundamentally similar to the typical social media platform, it will be forfeiting the very quality that gave it longevity in the first place.

I know this was long and rambly, and probably reductive to the point of being at least partially incorrect, but I think the main point still stands. Also cut me some slack it’s ten-to-two in the morning for me.

Anyway. I’ve forgotten what I was trying to say. Um. Keep up with traffic safety. Brush your teeth. Goodnight.

They’re making it MORE Twitter like: multiple icons showing up when more than five people like/plain reblog a post. Why.

I feel insulted, over the last few weeks it’s felt like the entire site is becoming Twitter 2.0 to accommodate, what, 5% of the user base? Less than that? Not even all the new people are coming from Twitter. Some are coming from Reddit. What then, we change the entire site to become like Reddit? What about the other 95% of us, who have been here all this time, and I’m sure just the way you assume Twitter users want a familiar interface that they’ve used before, SO DO WE. SO DO FUCKING WE. THE REST OF THE TUMBLR USERS. WE WANT TO USE A SITE WE’VE USED BEFORE TOO: IT’S CALLED TUMBLR YOU FOOLS

I am at a loss, we’ve lost all the cool things that made Tumblr unique. They took away DM colours. Everything is now standard blue. We used to see messages in the colour of the blog we were chatting with. Now they all look the same. How many times has seeing the wrong colour saved me from accidentally sending something to the wrong blog. You had something going there. If Twitter expats were whining about there being colours in the chat, fuck them!? This was the non-conformist website what on Earth happened?? I don’t want to open Twitter DMs when I message a mutual on here. Let me see their blog colour. Let them pick that for me. This is ridiculous, there was no need for that. At all.

@staff

[rustic-oak-mori]

I'm really curious now. What do you think Anna's life was like prior to meeting the reader? Like whats in your AU?

I haven't given it immense thought, I just thought I'd try to manipulate the canon lore and make it less murdery? But also provide some social contexts that match up with her personality. This is a long one, so it’ll be under a cut.

Anna's Life, Prior to Meeting You

Anna's father abandoned her mother upon learning about the pregnancy. At the time, they lived in a cottage by the outskirts of a forest.

Her mother initially planned to send her to school to mingle with the other children her age, but decided to home-school her instead out of a fear that Anna would be bullied for her height.

Anna learnt to hunt from a young age, using the family's generations-old tips and tricks, in order to provide for the two of them when her mother grew terminally ill.

The only person Anna ever spoke to growing up was her mother. When a bailiff would visit the cottage to collect land taxes, she would hide in her room. The occasional person would stop by to check on her mother and she'd flee to the woods.

When she passed away, Anna was in her mid-teens, and didn't take the bereavement well at all. To distract herself, she honed in on her hunting craft.

It was only in her late teens when Anna finally started to mix with people her age, since the woodlands she grew up by was a popular camping spot for teens. She found social experiences very uncomfortable, since her mother failed to prepare her for such encounters. The teenagers found her odd, both in stature and hobbies, but most of them tried to help her get used to socialising. Those who didn’t would bully her. But one group camped out in the woods more than usual, and were always welcoming of her.

Teen Anna would watch young couples kissing and holding each other by their campfires in curiosity and jealousy. It looked nice, and she wanted to feel happy like they did.

Her group of friends (more like acquaintances, but she didn’t really know the difference - it was just nice to have company) one night decided to play spin the bottle, a harmless game. Anna, inwardly, was very excited; she had always wanted to kiss someone, to see what it was like. One of the boys spun the bottle, it landed on her, she felt mightily uncomfortable and...it felt weird. The bad kind of weird. But when it was her turn, the bottle landed on a girl.

This kiss was the good kind of weird.

But, as we all know, homosexuality is demonised in Russia. The group pulled faces, called her horrible names, slurs, the works, all because she enjoyed kissing the girl. ‘Lesbian’. She’d never heard that term before. Was it not okay to kiss girls?

They never came back to the forest after that. Once again, Anna was all alone.

Over the next couple of years, people started to mail violent threats to her cottage - her mother had never introduced her to technology, so she didn’t have a phone - because she was gay. Anna was miserable, right up until a few days after her biological father died; the man had guiltily added her to his last will and testament, and she inherited a sizeable sum of money from him. Enough to get out of the hell she lived in. She waved her rights to the cottage she lived in, packed a very small suitcase containing some clothes and a few of her mother’s old possessions, and emigrated.

((I’ll leave her new location to your imagination. Somewhere with densely populated woodland and white winters, and where being queer is normalised))

Using her inheritance, Anna bought a plot of land in the woods, rented a bed in a nearby youth hostel and built her cottage from the ground up. She used a library’s computer and books on architecture to research how to build a log cabin. It took months of tireless work, but she did it.

With a little more confidence than she had during her adolescence, Anna started to sell the meat she hunted at the farmer’s market outside her woods. Using the money from her sales and some furniture-related handiwork, she bought vegetable and fruit seeds and a DIY greenhouse kit. With the help of the little market community, she built her vegetable garden and greenhouse. She had a couple of short-lived relationships, and even though she lived alone and isolated, she felt purposeful and by god, accepted.

Her relationships never lasted long because the concept of living such a detached lifestyle frightened her partners, sweet and strong and gentle as Anna is. Not without immense sadness, she understood why, though.

Then you stumbled into her life, and for the first time since before her mother’s ailment, she was truly happy.

[ao3-sucks]

An Archive of Someone’s Own: my experiences being groomed in fandom circles on AO3

TW: Childhood sexual abuse, grooming, mentions of incest and rape.

I used to be a big writer of fanfiction. It was the logical choice for me. I loved to write and create bold and immersive worlds, and I craved an audience who would enjoy my work as much as I did. Since my writing wasn’t actually good, I needed a community of other amateurs who wouldn’t mind that, and by tweaking my characters and settings into ones from canonical media, I got the audience I so craved.

I started writing fanfiction online when I was 14, posting initially on FanFiction.net and then moving to AO3 a few months later. As I got back into writing original fiction towards the end of high school, I lost interest in this community, and it’s been a long time since I posted anything much on AO3.

I’ve always struggled with the fact I display a lot of symptoms of CSA, and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. Throughout my teen years, I refused to get changed or bathe when anyone was even vaguely nearby, constantly paranoid about being spied on; I developed a severe touch phobia, and would have frequent panic attacks from something as small as brushing arms with a passerby; I resolutely identified as asexual and refused to get into anything resembling a relationship with others because the very concept disgusted and repulsed me.

Weird, considering I had grown up pretty normal and all of these symptoms had started around my early teens. It was only when I told my friends about my friendship with a 30 year old I had met online that the pieces started falling into place for me.

Child grooming is usually discussed in the context of one adult going out of their way to befriend a child with the goal of lowering their resistance to sexual abuse, through normalisation and friendliness. I’d like to talk about how that worked on the fanfiction website AO3. Since it’s an open website and most communication takes place between anonymous users or accounts in the comments section of a work, there is very little delineation between spaces for adults to discuss whatever dark topics they like and spaces for kids to do the same.

This frequently leads to pretty inappropriate conversations between people of widely varying ages and life experiences, which is how I ended up talking sex as a fourteen year old with people ranging from a couple of years older than me, who were generally okay, to more than twice my age. The 30 year old in question listed on her profile how many pedophilic ships she loved, and she knew my age but pushed me to keep discussing sexual topics with her. Sounds like a red flag, yeah? Well. I was 14, and very stupid.

This 30 year old woman, who I will call Aku (because it’s similar to her screen name and because it’s funny to name her after the bad guy from Samurai Jack) would start conversations with me whenever I posted anything to AO3 and would refuse to take no for an answer when I tried to back out of conversations with her, and since these conversations were public and occurring within comments, I didn’t want to be rude to her since this was taking place on content I was trying to promote.

I told her my age multiple times and she would either pretend she forgot from last time (saying her memory is super bad) or continue as though it was just trivia about me and not a sign she shouldn’t have been pushing me. My primary objection to what she would say to me (since most of it was just her being annoying) was her insistence on sexualising everything I wrote, and her determination to push me into writing pornographic content, which I eventually gave in to.

Yes, she was a terrible person. She emailed me using her personal email address, so I know her full name and place of residence, because she’s an idiot. These emails also contain sexually explicit materials. Nothing much ever happened between us except for these very creepy interactions and the fact we remained online friends for a few years. But here’s the thing: she wasn’t the only person pushing me into creating sexual content. Lots of people would comment on my writing demanding that I show explicit sexual content when I really didn’t want to.

After a while it felt like I couldn’t write a longer, romantic fanfiction without including explicit sexual content. Like my work wasn’t valid without it. Other, more popular writers were usually sexual in their content, and I wanted to be like them and bring in the views, right? So, when I look at my back catalog of works, I can see how my content moved from completely non-sexual to featuring sexual content over time, and the views usually came with. In this way, I was in an environment that was encouraging me on many levels to sexualise my own work, which impacted the way I thought about my creative process.

Here’s another example I remember. When I was a young sprout, I remember reading down someone’s list of fanfiction recommendations and seeing a work called Hug Therapy, which I promptly read. While the work is marked as explicit and containing the Loki/Thor pairing, the use of relationship and rating tags on AO3 is so poorly regulated that it didn’t really mean anything to me to see either of those. People tag hardcore material as non-explicit and tag friendships as relationships, because there’s no motivation to tag properly. Plus, someone I followed here on Tumblr had recommended it to me.

Now, you wouldn’t know from the listing, but while this piece starts out as comedy, it turns out in the end to include rape, incest, and BDSM in very explicit terms. The fact it was tagged as being explicit didn’t slow me down, because the liberal use of these tags could mean that an explicit tag was just there because sexual content was implied or mentioned, which I thought would be the case based on the rest of the listing. Out of curiosity, I recently tried to report this work to the moderators for containing no warnings about incest or rape, and I got this in response:

“Selecting “Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings” satisfies a creator’s obligation under the warnings policy. Users who wish to avoid specific elements entirely should not access fanworks marked with “Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings”. Our Terms of Service note: “You understand that using the Archive may expose you to material that is offensive, triggering, erroneous, sexually explicit, indecent, blasphemous, objectionable, grammatically incorrect, or badly spelled. ….. This decision is in accordance with our policy of maximum inclusiveness; we have therefore closed this case and will not be investigating further.”

Which, yeah, I guess. The frustration comes from how ‘Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings’ is an extremely commonly used tag, and most things that it’s used on are totally harmless.

This fanfiction, which I was recommended by a friend, is hugely popular, in the top 60 most read fanfictions in the entire fandom. You wanna hear the kicker? The author, Astolat, is one of the founders of AO3. They’re not just some random author who isn’t following the rules. They’re a creator of the whole website, and they made the rules. This is pretty telling about how seriously the website actually takes protecting their users.

My final example I want to give is one of fetish content. People in fetish communities generally (not always) say that fetishes are probably something one should work up to after the onset of sexual activity, especially potentially harmful stuff like BDSM. In the circles I was running in, if you weren’t sporting a fetish or two (no matter your age) you were a boring bitch.

Maybe this isn’t true of everywhere in the fanfiction community, but I used to feel that bizarre pressure until I got out. Bear in mind that my main time in this community was from ages 14 to 17. I never made my age a secret, either. I told people outright I was that age, I was in high school, I was playing hockey and studying The Great Gatsby when I wasn’t online.

Since I was in the Avengers fandom and I liked Loki and the Asgardians, I was frequently exposed to incestuous content between Loki and Thor, and a lot of it came out of nowhere or was poorly tagged. This was considered the norm, and while I at first felt completely horrified and repulsed, within a year or two I no longer gave a shit. It’s only in the last few years as I’ve begun to unpack everything that I’ve started to get that strong revulsion reaction to incestuous content.

In the circles I was in, it was relentlessly normal. Normal to the point that people who disliked it were usually shouted down. Even to this day, debate rages on in fandom spaces about whether or not content like this normalises this kind of abuse. In my own personal experience, which I don’t usually like to talk about, it absolutely does.

In real life, this normalisation started to have serious consequences for my mental health and interpersonal relationships. In fanfiction, any occasion when you are alone with someone could become sexual, any familial relationship is possibly sexual, and it doesn’t matter if you like it or not. I became incredibly anxious around male family members for fear of being sexually assaulted, and my OCD, which I had been developing since I was a child, turned from thoughts of physical violence to thoughts of graphically sexually assaulted by anyone and everyone around me.

My fear of being touched got to the point where I would have panic attacks if anyone came anywhere close to touching me. I quit sports, fucked up my romantic relationships, and didn’t hug anyone, not even members of my family, for years. All the while, I had bought my first laptop and was consuming more fanfiction than ever before. I struggled with my sexuality growing up, as I am bisexual, and while fanfiction provided LGBT content to help me, the content was frequently so disturbing that I viewed any expression of sexuality as something evil and predatory.

The community on AO3, whether you like it or not, is often sexual, and provides no barriers between the casual user looking for content and extremely intense fetish material. It’s sometimes called the Pornhub of fanfiction, but considering the wide range of people who use it, it’s more like if you opened Youtube and saw niche hardcore fetish videos just on the front page, recommended and trending.

Sure, you have to click a little button to confirm you’re 18 before you can actually read a story, but the tags and descriptions of readily available works can be extremely explicit. Fanfiction also brings you into close contact with fellow readers and the author, and encourages you to become a content creator, which in some ways makes it more dangerous.

I was affected much more strongly by what I saw than most people would be, because I was already treading shaky ground. But I’m also not the only person out there who has been hurt in this way. Most of my friends who grew up in fandom can report the impact that fanfiction culture had on them. One of my friends from high school knew a panoply of porn terms at age 14 or so due to reading fanfiction, and another of my other friends at high school almost exclusively read rape porn because it was her favourite. I didn’t have friends who watched porn; I had friends who read fanfiction. These are just as troubling to me as any other accounts of young people consuming visual porn from a very early age.

It’s frequently cited that fanfiction gives minority groups the opportunity for creative outlet. It was a great place for me to cut my teeth as a content creator, and a source of acceptance and kindness when times were tough. Fanfiction communities have historically been the domain of women and minorities, and create a space for these people to tell their own stories.

It’s largely because of this that fanfiction communities fear censorship and strict moderation, as they have been attacked in the past on homophobic or misogynistic grounds, resulting in mass deletions of works or the shutdown of websites. But there must be some middle ground between total censorship and the kind of free rein that puts vulnerable people in danger, and I strongly encourage the board of AO3 to seek this middle ground out.

But it’s the community itself that needs to shape up; AO3 is, after all, a community-led website built by fans for fans, so the fact that this website has such issues is a reflection of the issues that run deeply within the people who created it. Aku didn’t talk to me with the intention of doing me harm, or so I believe at this time, and she didn’t pursue me as a lone wolf or in isolation.

She was simply a particularly brazen member of a community that was used to having inappropriate conversations with young people and sexualising everything they did. Even people my own age were jokingly pushing me into discussing and consuming extremely sexual content. It was just normal. That’s what I want to say here. Inside the world of fandom on AO3, the grooming of children with sexual content is normal. And that’s scary.

- Mod Daft

[delusion-of-negation]

top 10 (ish) ridiculous or annoying FAQs:

(click at your own discretion)

1) "kids today rely on others to do everything"

ah yes, damn those participation trophies! if it wasn't for them my hands wouldn't be fucked, and I wouldn't need people to write for me. but seriously, stop reading boomer comics, and go outside to meet some actual young people.

2) "sus that a non-american says mom"

yeah, because it's clearly the superior version, and I'm not too patriotic to concede a defeat.

3) "sweaty, the victims of abuse by catholics are real people, stop appropriating their pain just because you want to hate catholics; plus teachers abuse people just as often anyway"

so firstly, I don't hate anybody. and secondly, regarding the fact that victims really do exist, [insert "of course I know him, he's me" meme here]; although I don't often talk much about the abuse I went through or what my religious beliefs are. but, more importantly, statements like "survivors are people" can be phrased like "some people are survivors", and when you're unable to act according to the latter (like when you don't even consider that somebody might be one) then you display a failure to recognise the former - you're projecting; a survivor can't be appropriating their own pain, but you can be appropriating it to silence one. and thirdly, teachers do abuse - the problem isn't and has never been purely religion, rather that abuse is often done by somebody in a position of trust, power, and familiarity; and that the lack of a global minimum enables totally legal abuse on top of the illegal stuff. people with access and respect have more opportunity to abuse than those without, and that goes for teachers too. but, once again, you can be appropriating the pain of survivors to deflect and silence people. please remember this before you say that shit.

4) "get help/therapy"

way ahead of you - years ahead of you. but it's not magic - people who say this often act as if you'll start behaving differently overnight. not only are some things simply beyond the ability of talking therapy to completely rectify, it also takes time and has to be selective. you've got to pick your priorities, and that's definitely not whatever ship or joke you're mad at me about today. therapy is a slow, arduous process that can't guarantee results - it isn't "anti-recovery" to recognise that, it's honesty. while I've been in therapy for a long time, it is not necessarily going to change whatever you don't like about me - whether that's because it can't, because my focus now is on more important or urgent things, or because I don't want to change that.

5a) "tell your family you ship incest, see how that goes; normal people find it disgusting"

actually, some know, and they're fine with it. in fact, one prefers sibling pairings in fiction to all other dynamics because, to paraphrase, "it's a deeper level of messed up co-dependence". so unfortunately for you, my remaining family (by which I mean those not dead or cut out of my life after abuse and so forth) actually are able to distinguish between fiction and reality. plus, my reasoning for caring if they find it gross or not pertains only to recommending books and such - their opinions do not dictate my tastes.

5b) "don't sexualise/appropriate incestuous abuse" and "I bet you enjoyed being raped" and other attempts to upset me over 5a

firstly, as I've already said here, survivors can't be appropriating ourselves. in addition, you're not owed people's history or trauma - it's not okay to require people's personal information, or else you'll send anon hate and accusations of appropriation. secondly, I'm not sexualising our abuse (not just because I write horror, and so a lot of my writing is intended to be creepy, not sexy); these stories aren't about us, they're not us at all. entire dynamics/people (fictional or otherwise) aren't all going to be applicable to us or identical to us, just because they have something in common with us; they're not us and they're not accountable to us. thirdly, the fact that people send this stuff (attempting to trigger people's trauma over ships) is so much more worrying to me than somebody making our communal imaginary friends kiss. you're trying to hurt people. and finally, to the "I bet you enjoyed it" crowd (if you're at all serious): do you think you'd enjoy being in a real zombie apocalypse, alone, afraid, and really at risk of being eaten alive? a fictional scenario does not feel remotely the same as a real one. this isn't rocket science - things that look like you aren't you; fiction isn't reality; don't send anon hate. (edit: comparable "just leave me alone, I'm not hurting anyone" sentiments for yandere stuff, and anything else you decide I'm naughty for.)

6) "you'll be sent off to do manual labour once your communist revolution happens"

while I don't know why people think that I'm a communist, a dictatorial regime probably isn't going to want me to do manual labour. they're more likely to just shoot me; I'm useless and a liability. call me crazy, but something tells me that "ah yes, we shall give ze deranged cripple ze power tools" isn't the communist position.

7a) "they/them can't be singular pronouns"

yes they can, and they're used as such in both shakespeare and the bible. but you don't have to say this - I'm also okay with he/him, so you could've just used those and chilled out. also, do I look like somebody who views the rules of grammar as fully immutable and imperative?

7b) "enbies/aros/pan/etc aren't valid"

do you really think that you're going to change any hearts or minds by putting that in my ask box or under my funny maymays? chill out, it's not worth the effort - you could be planning a party (in minecraft) and having fun instead. it isn't worth my time to rant at everybody who's saying something isn't valid, updating how I'm explaining it as my opinions grow and general discourse around it evolves; I'm just who I am, somebody else is who they are - why bicker in presumptuous ways about if that's enough? it ultimately is valid, in my opinion, but that isn't an invitation to keep demanding that I debate. (edit: old posts of mine probably don't phrase things incredibly, on this or anything... I tried.)

8) "what are your politics?"

my politics are informed first and foremost by the knowledge that I'm not cut out to be some kind of leader - I don't want to be the guy who tells everyone else what to do, I just offer what seem to me like valid criticisms of how we are doing things now, and general pointers on the values and ethics that I would prefer to move towards. things like individual freedom, taking the most pacifist route where possible, trying not to give excessive power to small groups of people (governments or corporations), helping those in need even when they're not palatable, and letting me suck loads of dicks. but please refrain from decreeing me something - there's not enough information in what I said, so you'll just be filling in the blanks with assumptions. (edit: workplace democracy seems cool to me; benefits are good; fair fines and taxes; and the "sperm makes you loopy" saga: 1, 2, 3, and 4.)

9) "you're a narcissist"

no, I don't meet the diagnostic criteria. joking on the internet that you're hot doesn't make a person a narcissist. the fact that I've chosen to keep my actual self-esteem issues to myself is not proof that they don't exist - you're just not entitled to that information about me. but it's also not narcissism to really like how you look. (edit: don't throw labels around carelessly too.)

10a) "kin list?"

the fabric of the universe, a zombie, dionysus, maned wolf/arctic fox hybrid, a comedian, big gay, big rock, ambiguously partial insincerity. (edit: kin list may or may not be incomplete.)

10b) "kin isn't valid/that's just being insane"

haven't we established that I'm deranged, and that sending stuff like this on anon is simply a waste of your precious time? besides, I do not care if it's invalid or insane - it's fun, I'm happy. (edit: see 7b for my opinion on sending me yet another ask with "that's invalid" in it; I'm not in the mood to discuss the nature of validity.)

bonus: "it gets better" and "trigger list?"

as I've said before, things just don't always get better for everyone - sometimes things can't be cured or even treated, sometimes they kill you; in some cases it could get better if not for a blockade or lack of time. the world is messy. it needs to be more normalised to reassure or comfort people without relying on saying that their issue will get better or be cured. it does suck to be this ill, but it also sucks to be made out to be a lazy pessimist, just because I have the audacity to not play along. and as for the trigger list, I don't like providing people with an easily accessed list of ways to hurt my feelings or harm me - upsetting me is supposed to be challenging, and thus rewarding. if you want a cheat sheet then you're out of luck, I'm afraid.

bonus #2: "FAQ stands for frequently asked questions, it doesn't need that s at the end!"

yeah, I know, I just enjoy chaos and disarray.

bonus #3 (edit): "what are your disabilities and how exactly are they incurable and/or deadly?"

again, I don't tell the internet everything about me, especially when it poses a risk, especially not as an easily accessible list for you to refer back to whenever you feel inclined to hurt my feelings. that is understandably a sore subject. (edit: that includes physical health issues btw.)

bonus #4 (edit): "so we shouldn't be critical?"

if it wasn't clear from my answer about politics or my post in general, you can have opinions about things, and you can voice that. it's just not realistic to exist at extremes: to think that you alone should dictate what exists in fiction, or to think that people shouldn't be expressing disdain or criticism of any calibur. say how you feel about things, that's fine, but it's also fine if people find that they don't value your input. plus we're all flawed, we can all be hypocritical from time to time, we all get bitchy, and we all make mistakes, or even knowingly fuck things up. that's important to keep in mind, whether we're talking about the one being criticised or the one doing the criticising - poor choices of words, imperfect tone, or contradictory ideas are inevitably going to happen occasionally.

congrats on reaching the end! if you have, at any point, said one of these to me, you owe a hug to your nearest loved one (once it's safe).

edit: might add more links/bonus points in the future when I think of things, but it's late now. (sorry for links where prior notes in the thread have my old url, that may get a tad confusing; also, not all links are my blog or my op, since it is to illustrate points/vibes, not to self-promo.)

[livegrow832]

Live Roulette Ie

Fitzwilliam Card Club. Broadcast LIVE from the Fitzwilliam Card Club and Casino in Dublin, Ireland for free! Licensed and regulated by The Gambling Commission under licence 38750 for GB customers playing on our online site. Licensed and regulated by The Alderney Gambling Control Commission (licences 13 C1 & C2) for non-GB customers playing on our online site.Licensed and regulated by The Gambling Commission under licences 614, 33465 & 34161 for customer playing in our land-based casinos. Live Roulette at Betiton Ireland. Roulette has become one of the world’s most popular casino games. There is just something that a lot of gamblers find enticing about trying to guess what pocket the little silver ball will land on. The best Live European Roulette Casinos compared. Read my reviews and recommendations of the best live casinos to play European Roulette at.

Live Roulette In Arizona

Liveroulette Ie

Live Roulette Ireland

Live Roulette Ireland

Live Roulette Ireland Online

Play Live Roulette Games

There are a couple of ways that you can play roulette online or on your mobile. You can play virtual, or video roulette, which is a computer simulation of a roulette table (these days these are very life-like).

This is similar in some ways to playing a slot machine, and we review a wide selection of virtual roulette games and casinos on this site.

OR, you can play live roulette, or live dealer roulette at sites like Wombat Casino, in which you place your bets on a real table at a real casino, and watch the action unfold over a webcam feed.

Wombat has both Net Ent and Evolution live gaming feeds. Or check out the live roulette tables over at Betway Live Casino or 32Red – other great options.

Players looking for biased roulette wheels favour these kinds of games. You can also play live games on a TV channel.

UK Live Roulette – Top Casinos

1. Wombat Live Casino £/$/€ 200 Bonus

Wombat Casino has live roulette tables from NetEnt, Extreme Live Gaming and Evolution, with cashback on live dealer games at the weekend. You can play on your mobile too.

Wombat Casino

New players only. Wagering occurs from real balance first. 50x wagering the bonus, contribution may vary per game. Available on selected games only. The wagering requirement is calculated on bonus bets only. Bonus is valid for 30 Days from issue. Max conversion: 5 times the bonus amount. Full terms apply.

2. Betfair Live Roulette £/$/€ 100 Bonus

A fantastic live roulette bonus here, click for details. Plus a solid range of virtual roulette. 18+ only

Betfair

Minimum deposit of £10 , x45 wagering, Roulette & Blackjack 50% weighting. Bonus valid for 7 days. Not available to customers using Moneybookers/Skrill or Neteller as a payment method. Full T&Cs apply.

Video Showing Immersive Roulette

Live or Vitual? Which Comes out on Top? So which is better? Well, both have their advantages. Virtual roulette is fast, there´s always a seat free and there are hundreds of variants to choose from, whether you prefer French Roulette, Mini Roulette or American Roulette.

Live roulette, like the games that you’ll see over at Monkey Casino, on the other hand, is closer to the experience that you’d get at Las Vegas, Macau or Monaco. The game is played on real wheels. And some people prefer this: a real wheel will have tiny imperfections and some players believe this gives them an edge. We’d caution that these days the wheels are manufactured pretty much flawlessly, but you make up your own mind.

Pros and Cons of Live Dealer Roulette

Live Roulette takes place on a real wheel

The game tends to be more social with interaction with the croupier and other players

The atmosphere is closer to a land based casino roulette game

The games can be slow, although many casinos offer speed or turbo version with up to 2 spins a minute

Can be laggy on slow connections. Make sure you have fast Internet

It can be difficult to play your bets on faster games as there is a set time in between spins. Make sure you are organised before you hit the table.

Live Roulette – More Casinos

Most of the casinos listed here have virtual roulette games as well (video roulette). Some of them offer an additional bonus for live roulette players, and many of them (such as Paddy Power) also enable you to play live dealer roulette on your mobile or tablet. Some started out offering just live games and have since expanded into virtual games, slots and sports betting.

Betfred has a big selection of live studios: one with European dealers and the other with Asian dealers. They also have very good mobile live roulette apps for iPhones, Android etc.

Some people just like the authentic feel of playing at real casino, with live dealers. It´s not as fast, but then it´s more social too- you can chat with your fellow players and even chat up the dealer. In terms of odds, both versions of the game deliver the same chance of winning (as long as you are comparing virtual European Roulette with Virtual live dealer European Roulette, for example. Unless there is an imperfection in their wheel of course, but then that is a whole different conversation …. 😉

If you play live roulette at 32Red Casino, they even have a Playboy live casino with Playboy Bunny croupiers!

What Exactly is A Live Casino?

Well, it’s not actually “alive”. Unlike virtual casinos, live casinos have real life croupiers on the other side of the table. It´s a bit like the roulette you see on satellite TV (eg on BSkyB). Rather than having what’s called a random number generator (RNG) spinning your wheel, there is an actual person at the roulette wheel that interacts with you. You can ask them questions about the various bets (such as the more exotic bets like Voisins Du Zero or Black Splits), or you can just have a chat. It´s less impersonal and more social! (You can also have a chat with the other players).

The Best Live Roulette

As always, this is a matter of opinion. Many of the top casino games developers like Playtech and Microgaming have joined the live casino bandwagon and now have their own studios located in places like Eastern Europe, Latvia and so on. The technology is pretty good, and the web can streams are pretty slick, but persoanlly speaking, we like to play with croupiers who have a good level of English, as this is our mother tongue, and this is not always the case with some of these studios. The way it works, is that Playtech, or whoever, will run the studio and then beam that our to multiple casino partners.

Live Roulette Tips

If you want to play on a physical wheel, but prefer a fast game, then try an Auto Roulette with is a physical wheel that is spun automatically. You watch the action unfold over a live webcam feed. These live roulette variants tend to be faster than games with a croupier.

There are are also some good live dealer games that have been designed for fast play, such as Speed Roulette. You need to be organised when placing your bets though, as there is not much time in between spins. These variants are good for testing systems.

Play Live Roulette Games at 32Red

Some of the bigger players like Paddy Power have their own exclusive tables, which is better, but if we are playing live roulette, we prefer to play on a table developed by companies like Evolution Gaming who specialise in this area. You can really tell the difference in quality of the feed. Immersive roulette, for example, has lots of different camera angles and they work hard to immerse you in the game- hence the name. You can play this at Monkey Casino.

The other live casinos we enjoy playing at are the ones that specialise in live games, such as Smartlive Casino and to a lesser extent Supercasino. Smartlive in particular has an impressive amount of tables and their feed are very slick. There´s always plenty of action going on here.

Give them a test!

Live Roulette FAQs

Where are the tables located when you play live roulette?

There are 2 main variants of live roulette. Most tables are located in a Studio owned by the live gaming company who is running the table you happen to be playing at. Evolution, for example, has 9 studios worldwide in Latvia, Malta, Georgia, Romania, Vancouver: Canada, Atlantic City: New Jersey, Philadelphi: Pennsylvania and Spa: Belgium. Many companies have also tied up with land-based casinos. They run the feed directly from the table at the casino (Authentic Gaming is the market leader here).

How many live roulette providers are there?

This is a growing area within the online casino industry. Players seem to like the authenticity you get playing on a live dealer table. There are over 20 main providers we can think of, and the number goes up if we are talking smaller players. The main companies include Evolution, Pragmatic Play, Authentic, Playtech, NetEnt, Microgaming, Amaya, Media Live, Vivo Gaming and Asia Live Tech. The industry is consolidating though. We expect this list to shorten!

Is live roulette rigged?

This is the age old conspiracy theory that does the rounds on the Internet: the idea that live roulette wheels are rigged in some kind of Al Capone fashion, with magnets under the wheel and so on. On the face of it, this would be pretty easy to pull off, wouldn’t it?, given that the players sit remotely from the wheel. The first point to make is that any reputable casino will be audited in order to get their licence to operate. You should avoid shoddy outfits, that goes without saying, but we are confident that the casinos that we feature are playing by the rules. The second point to make, is that the casinos already have a house edge on the roulette table. It is in their interest to make sure that their players come back and play and enjoy themselves. If an online casino is in it for the long term, they wouldn´t last long employing shady tactics. You can give yourself a measure of comfort by tracking the results on the wheel. Do they look statistically normal? The distribution of reds and blacks will tend to normalise to 47% / 47% (with the rest reserved for the green) over time. Play with small bets first and you will soon spot any obvious skews. The third point is that skewing the wheel is actually a pretty dangerous game for a casino. If you look at some of the characters who have taken the casinos to the cleaners on roulette over the years, most of them have spotted imperfections on the wheel. It works both ways!

Real LIVE Online Roulette Broadcast from Dublin, Ireland!

Quick Menu

liveroulette.ie has a global rank of #4,515,391 which puts itself among the top 10 million most popular websites worldwide. liveroulette.ie rank has decreased -32% over the last 3 months. It reaches roughly 3,150 users and delivers about 6,990 pageviews each month. Its estimated monthly revenue is $20.40. We estimate the value of liveroulette.ie to be around $248.20. The domain liveroulette.ie uses a Ireland suffix and its server(s) are located in United Kingdom with the IP number 80.243.183.64. liveroulette.ie is not listed on Dmoz.

Webmaster and SEO Tools

View more domains on this server |

Nslookup |

Page load speed |

Ping |

Result

Close

SEO Tools > Keyword Density Check

Close

Worth & Traffic Estimate of liveroulette.ie

Estimated numbers for liveroulette.ie - Niche: General - Average CPM

Live Roulette In Arizona

: $2.80CPM or eCPM: Effective Cost per 1000 impressions. For publishers it means average earnings for each 1k impressions. Example: A website with a $3 CPM and 10000 impressions/pageviews a day is making on average $30 dollars a day.

Website Worth: $248.20 Daily Pageviews: 233 Daily Visitors: 105 Daily Ads Revenue: $0.68

Website Worth: $248.20 Monthly Pageviews: 6,990 Monthly Visitors: 3,150 Monthly Ads Revenue: $20.40

Website Worth: $248.20 Yearly Pageviews: 85,045 Yearly Visitors: 38,325 Yearly Ads Revenue: $248.20

Choose a specific

Liveroulette Ie

category/nicheThe value and earnings of a website just like a physical company also depends on the market it's focusing. A Humor blog for example usually have low value for potential advertisers while a Finance one have a higher value since it usually has more visitors willing to buy expensive services/products and this consequently affects a website average earnings per visitors so as market worth.

$4.30

$8.00

$2.00

$8.00

$12.00

$2.00

$3.00

$3.50

$9.00

$1.00

$1.50

$6.00

$4.00

$1.50

$2.80

$3.50

$6.00

$2.50

$15.00

$3.00

$8.00

$4.00

$3.50

$1.00

$10.00

$1.00

$7.20

$1.70

$4.50

$2.50

$0.70

$2.00

$8.50

$12.00

Main Information of liveroulette.ie

Information of liveroulette.ie

Alexa Rank:4,515,391(-32% over the last 3 months)The Alexa rank is a measure of liveroulette.ie's popularity. The lower the rank is, the more popular the website is. This rank is calculated using a combination of average daily visitors and pageviews from liveroulette.ie over the last 3 months. Google.com ranks #1 for example.

Quantcast Rank:Not ranked/Not availableThe Quantcast rank is a measure of liveroulette.ie's popularity. The lower the rank is, the more popular the website is. This rank is calculated using a combination of average daily visitors and pageviews from liveroulette.ie over the last 3 months. Google.com ranks #1 for example.

Google Pagerank:Not ranked/Not availableGoogle PageRank™ reflects the importance of web pages by considering more than 500 million variables and 2 billion terms. Pages that Google search engine believes are important receive a higher PageRank and are more likely to appear at the top of the search results. PageRank also considers the importance of each page that casts a vote, as votes from some pages are considered to have greater value, thereby giving the linked page a greater value.

IP Address:80.243.183.64 IP Addresses are similar to physical addresses. It's a number that represents the identification and location of a website. Every computer has an IP address. - IP Tracing

Site Age:Not available.

Created:Not available.

Expires:2016-06-29

Updated:Not available.

Owner:Quosmo Limited

ICANN Registrar:IE Domain RegistryThis shows the company who handled the registration of this domain.

Hosted in:United Kingdom

Domain Suffix:IrelandA domain suffix is the last part of a domain name and is often referred to as a 'top-level domain' or TLD. .COM is the most popular and it represents Commercial websites.

DNS Records of liveroulette.ie

Live Roulette Ireland

HostTypeTTLExtraliveroulette.ieA3597IP: 80.243.183.64 liveroulette.ieNS3597Target: ns1.reg365.net liveroulette.ieNS3597Target: ns0.reg365.net liveroulette.ieNS3597Target: ns2.reg365.net liveroulette.ieSOA3600MNAME: ns0.reg365.net RNAME: support.reg365.net Serial: 2015091201 Refresh: 28800 Retry: 3600 Expire: 604800 Minimum TTL: 86400 liveroulette.ieMX3600Priority: 1 Target: mx1.emailsrvr.com liveroulette.ieMX3600Priority: 2 Target: mx2.emailsrvr.com

Name Servers of liveroulette.ie

ns1.reg365.net

Header Info of liveroulette.ie

liveroulette.ie is using Microsoft-IIS/7.5 as server and programming language ASP.NET.

HeaderHTTP1.1 200 OKContent-TypetexthtmlServerMicrosoft-IIS7.5X-Powered-ByASP.NETX-Powered-By-PleskPleskWinDateFri, 03 Jun 2016 024829 GMTContent-Length20441

Search Engine & Internet Presense of liveroulette.ie

A website with a large amount of indexed pages in search engines is more likely to have tons of visits. If you are buying liveroulette.ie or it is your competitor checking how many pages indexed it has is vital. If liveroulette.ie has no pages indexed it means it's too new, is banned or suffered a penalty.

Internet Presense of liveroulette.ie

Backlinks: Not available for this website.

Google Indexed Pages:ViewThis represents how many pages from liveroulette.ie are currently visible to the public on Google search engine.

Yahoo Indexed Pages:ViewThis represents how many pages from liveroulette.ie are currently visible to the public on Yahoo search engine.

Bing Indexed Pages:ViewThis represents how many pages from liveroulette.ie are currently visible to the public on Bing search engine.

Dmoz Listing:No

Dmoz Title:None

Dmoz Description:None

Web Archive:liveroulette.ie (in the past).

Statistical Graphics of liveroulette.ie

Select an option below to analyse several graphic statistics.

Period:

IP Tracing of liveroulette.ie

liveroulette.ie is hosted by Hostedservice.co.uk in March, Cambridgeshire.

Country:United Kingdom

City:March

Region:Cambridgeshire

Latitude:52.55

Longitude:0.083300000000008

ASNum:AS35662 Redstation Limited

ISP:Altaire Limited

Organization:Hostedservice.co.uk

Similar Domain Names of liveroulette.ie

Live Roulette Ireland

liveroulete.ie, piveroulette.ie, oiveroulette.ie, iiveroulette.ie, kiveroulette.ie, miveroulette.ie, luveroulette.ie, ljveroulette.ie, lkveroulette.ie, llveroulette.ie, loveroulette.ie, lieroulette.ie, liceroulette.ie, lideroulette.ie, liferoulette.ie, ligeroulette.ie, liberoulette.ie, livwroulette.ie, livsroulette.ie, livdroulette.ie, livfroulette.ie, livrroulette.ie, liveeoulette.ie, livedoulette.ie, livefoulette.ie, livegoulette.ie, livetoulette.ie, liveriulette.ie, liverkulette.ie, liverlulette.ie, liverpulette.ie, liveroylette.ie, liverohlette.ie, liverojlette.ie, liveroklette.ie, liveroilette.ie, liveroupette.ie, liverouoette.ie, liverouiette.ie, liveroukette.ie, liveroumette.ie, liveroulwtte.ie, liveroulstte.ie, liverouldtte.ie, liveroulftte.ie, liveroulrtte.ie, liveroulerte.ie, liveroulefte.ie, liveroulegte.ie, liveroulehte.ie, liverouleyte.ie, liverouletre.ie, liverouletfe.ie, liverouletge.ie, liveroulethe.ie, liverouletye.ie, liveroulettw.ie, liverouletts.ie, liveroulettd.ie, liveroulettf.ie, liveroulettr.ie,

Whois Record of liveroulette.ie

Live Roulette Ireland Online

% Rights restricted by copyright; http://iedr.ie/index.php/mnudomregs/mnudnssearch/96 % Do not remove this notice domain: liveroulette.ie descr: Quosmo Limited descr: Body Corporate (Ltd,PLC,Company) descr: Discretionary Name admin-c: AJM289-IEDR tech-c: HH36-IEDR registration: 29-June-2009 renewal: 29-June-2016 holder-type: Billable locked: N ren-status: Active in-zone: 1 nserver: ns0.reg365.net nserver: ns1.reg365.net nserver: ns2.reg365.net source: IEDR person: alex assouline nic-hdl: AJM289-IEDR source: IEDR person: NamesCo Hostmaster nic-hdl: HH36-IEDR source: IEDR

[sazandorable]

things I wanna see in ace fanworks!

It’s Ace Week!

And there’s huge variety among the aspec community (spectrum! that’s what it means!), so here’s a post about a variety of things I’d love to see more in fanworks involving asexual characters!

(I’m especially thinking of Jon from The Magnus Archives and Zolf from Rusty Quill Gaming, but this should easily apply across fandoms!)

I’ll try not to repeat it every line but: blanket disclaimer that this is very much a “what I feel, what I want, me, personally” post. Others (including other asexual people) might feel differently, and that’s perfectly okay. That’s kind of the point of this post! This is absolutely not a “here’s the one correct way to write all ace characters that all ace people will enjoy and agree with” Rules post — on the contrary, this is partly in reaction to seeing other people say that they dislike seeing, or don’t dare create, things that I, personally… desperately want to see, actually.

CW: this post will contain references to many common sources of trauma for asexual people, such as aphobia, partner abuse and rape, as well as sex (in general and sometimes in specifics) and asexual people having sex.

So! I, personally, love and would love to see more...

Fanworks by all sorts of asexual creators

No matter what your specific experience is, it is important, and your getting to create and share art about it is important, and you deserve to get that, and there are people interested in seeing it. And the same is true for all the other aces with different experiences, too.

Variety! Room for all of us! Share your experience happily, and let other aces happily share theirs!

Fanworks by allosexual creators

I’m so happy you’re interested in asexuality and in depicting it! I do want my experience to be normalised and seen as a normal thing that anyone can find interesting and relatable, even allosexual people. If you don’t mean to be an asshole about it, if you’re generally interested in exploring asexuality and you’re doing it from the heart, thinking of asexual people as people — then I want to see it, and I want you to be able to give a try to creating or consuming whatever you want, and I do not want you to be attacked for doing it.

Of course, you might still unwittingly fuck up, and people might still get hurt, and truly hurtful things should still be pointed out in order to be improved on; but I want us as a community to help creators up instead of shouting down, and I hope you continue putting thought into creating fanworks involving ace characters.

Keep reading for some tips and suggestions of things to think about, to keep in mind and to look into to improve your representing of us and our experience of it!

Extremely specific, different, kinda weird, niche, Problematic™ content, from creators of any identity (including questioning!), who are wary about sharing it because they think that there’s no audience for it, or that they’re not allowed, or that it’s a bad and evil way to represent asexuality

I want to see that, I’d be thrilled if you did it, I hope you do it, and I want a fandom environment in which you can do that safely because you deserve to. Of course, make sure to provide good tagging and CW!

Awareness that asexuality is a wide varying spectrum of experiences and there is no One Correct or More Valid Way to depict it

Awareness that even people with the same identity, label and life experiences might want to create or consume different things

Permission for everyone to create whatever they like, so long as it’s just done earnestly

No shaming, gatekeeping, accusations of fetishising, etc.

There are newbie writers who will never learn if they’re scared away from trying; there are people who haven’t yet figured out that they are in fact ace and never will if they’re not allowed to explore it safely; there are ace people who consume ace content to feel good about themselves; there are ace people who create ace fic in order to explore complicated, hard, unpleasant experiences and feelings; there are ace people whose experiences do not match stereotypical narratives I’ve most seen brandished around, and those people are just as ace and just as allowed to create and consume whatever they want; I do not want to foster a fandom environment in which people must out themselves and offer up their experience to scrutiny in order to be “allowed” to write certain topics; etc., etc.

Over the past two years, I’ve regularly seen a lot of yelling along the lines of “this work includes x and not x because this character is ace!” or “this fic I just read is the only valid ace fic” or “oh my god everyone look at this, this is the perfect ace fic”. A lot of it comes from a place of defensiveness and/or pride, ace people happy and proud to share something that was, finally, pinning down their experience. That’s awesome! ... For them. There are plenty of other asexual people who don’t relate to or enjoy those narratives — in fact, all the ones I’m thinking of squicked me hard, despite being made by ace creators and accurate to (an) ace experience, and I would be really unhappy if all ace fanworks was like those. Meanwhile, plenty of stuff I enjoy gets accusations of being fetishising.

So it would do a world of wonder for me and my experience of ace fanworks if those things could be internalised by the fandom as a whole!

Clear distinction between “being asexual” and “not interested in sex”, ”sex-repulsed” or “not having sex”

Those can and often do overlap, but the word “asexual” just means “experiencing little or no sexual attraction”!

In fanworks about an ace character, the two are generally linked and the reason a character doesn’t want to have sex tends to be that they’re ace, but the shorthand and immediate assumption that “being ace” automatically and always means “never having sex” or “hating the concept of sex” always feels a little weird to me.

This goes both ways — even if your aspec character is very sexually active and enjoys it, or if they’re demisexual and currently experiencing attraction to their partner, etc. — they’re still a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction in their daily life, they’re still aspec in a way that can be depicted and that I can be made to feel.

On AO3, widespread use of the tag “Canon Asexual Character”…

There are different views on the “correct” way to use that tag, in part because… what's the point of it? Should we use it in every single fic in which the Archivist appears, because he happens to be ace in the canon, even if it doesn’t come up in the fic?

IMO, it is helpful — it indicates to me that the author wrote their story with that character’s asexuality in mind, and it informed their writing of that character. Personally, I use it on fics where it feels “relevant” even if it doesn’t come up, such as a fic from Martin’s POV about Jon not being very touchy-feely (even though it doesn’t specify that that is because Jon is ace), but not a fic from Jon’s POV in which they’re happily living together but it’s not about the physical specifics of their relationship (even though in my head that relationship is non-sexual, but I could have written this specific fic the exact same way if Jon wasn’t ace).

The use or non-use of the tag can also simply help distinguish fanworks that were created and posted before that revelation, and did not depict that character as ace because the creator genuinely wasn’t aware of it.

… but also more detail than that, for instance: tagging the “shade of ace” the character is written as

A few examples:

#aroace Jon

#demisexual biromantic Jon

#greysexual nonbinary Jon

#sexually active kinky asexual Jon

#sex-positive low-libido Jon

#touch-averse Jon

#sex-uninterested ace demiromo Jon in happy QPR with Martin

#sex-repulsed sub Jon gets creative

#aspec Jon experiences sexual attraction for the first time and it’s for freaking Elias of all people oh God oh no

etc., etc.

Those are VERY different things! There’s some I’d be delighted to read, some I’m not interested in, and some that would actively squick me personally for personal reasons but I can think of some friends of mine that would be super happy to see it.

If you don’t know or aren’t sure of the exact terms, or if you wrote a relatively broad scenario and want to let people project any labels on it, you can also just describe what the situation is or how you depicted your character relating to things. That’s still very helpful. For instance:

#Jon doesn’t like kissing but cuddles good

#the struggle of NOT liking touching but craving intimacy

#Jon and Tim pointing at each other like spiderman meme, same hat?? how??

#Daisy and Basira have no idea how to explain their relationship and it’s none of your business

#Zolf is just tired and wants people to stop prying into his love life

etc., etc.

More awareness that there’s plenty of stuff about the ace experience that, while very common, can be squicky or even traumatic, and more tagging/warning about that

Here’s some other things that are common to the ace experience and commonly depicted in fanworks involving ace characters, and that can be genuinely upsetting and potentially triggering and traumatic, whether or not an ace person has encountered it in their own life (lots of CWs in this list, obviously):

encountering aphobia, even clueless and well-meaning

having internalised aphobia, aphobic thoughts, self-hatred, feeling broken or strange

social pressure to have sex or relationships, people being invasive or judgy about others’ love life, feeling disconnected from allo people

trying things out just to see

having sex

enjoying sex

forcing themself to have sex

referring to past sexual experiences as something that they didn’t enjoy

being emotionally pressured into having sex

wanting to please their partner despite not desiring sex

feeling an obligation to satisfy their partner

the prospect of romantic rejection for their asexuality

the idea that they must earn love

the idea that getting their boundaries respected is something exceptional and rare and an incredible sacrifice from their partner

being sexualised by someone else or the object of someone’s fantasies

wanting sex or experiencing sexual attraction for the first time

etc., etc.

Two concepts here that are both simultaneously true: 1) those are indeed very common to the real life experience of ace people, 2) it is possible to depict the ace experience without tackling any of that.

Of course, you can have all that! You can create content about that! That’s very relatable for a lot of people, and that last one, for instance, can in fact be an accurate and important depiction of demisexuality. But it’s also not a given that a fictional work about asexuality will/should depict it, and not a given that all ace people looking for ace content will want to see any item from that list. So please, give content warnings for all that, too.

It would be a tremendous help in curating and improving my experience if this could become a widespread habit — I have lost count of the amount of fics tagged as fluffy that I had to backbutton out because they suddenly threw in something really depressing that I, personally, didn’t want to see happen to a character I project on (while other readers found catharsis, validation and kinship in seeing their experience represented accurately!).

If it does come up, tags about what comes up

Beyond the content warnings for clearly traumatic stuff, is there “#Discussion of asexuality”? Is it “#Coming out as asexual”, or “#Jon discovers the existence of asexuality”? Is there “#Acephobia” (“#Accidental”? “#Casual”? “#Internalised”?)? Is there “#Explanation of asexuality to a clueless partner”, or “#Jon’s partner tells him about asexuality”? Is there “#Relationship negotiation”?

Since, again, not all aces have the same experience, odds are that some people will JUMP happily on content depicting a specific experience which they relate to... and inversely: again, there’s some of that which I personally do not relate to and actively do not want to read.

Detailed tagging is a huge help for me to figure out if a fic about asexuality is going to squick me and make me sad for the evening because ah I am weird after all even amongst my brethren, or if it’s going to be, finally, my heart’s desire, what I’ve been craving for, and make my entire week. (Sidenote, thanks to good tagging I did find the perfect QPR fic I’d been yearning to read last week and I’m still thinking about it right now and so, so, so happy.)

Making it clear when an ace character is going to be having sex — beyond just the ship tag and rating

Reminder that a fic rating alone does not necessarily mean sex! A fic tagged just “#JonMartin” and rated Explicit could have them in a relationship and then an explicitly detailed scene in which Jon dies a excruciatingly gruesome death, or a graphic scene of Martin having some solo fun, or even another character, or a sex scene between another tagged ship.

With smut involving an ace character as with everything else, there are lots of us that do want to see it (for a wide variety of reasons), and obviously there are lots of us that desperately want to avoid it (but might be in the Explicit tag looking for smut involving other ships, or horror or whump content, etc.) — please help us know whether to click or not click!

The normalisation of not expecting/forcing anyone to do things they don’t actively want to do

There’s a relatively common thing in heartwarming ace fic where the ace character is surprised that their allo partner is fine with dating without having sex and the partner goes, “I love you, of course I’m fine with that” and the ace character is all oh, oh, oh I am loved and respected, did not expect that. Or an allo character saying “That’s fine, I don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do,” or “I don’t want to do anything unless you’re into it!”

And I see how it sounds nice and romantic. It probably is to many people. But it can also be extremely sinister and anxiety-inducing in its implications: what if the partner didn’t love the ace character quite that much? What did the ace character expect? If this is amazing and rare, then what was the baseline expectation? If this ace character has dated before, what were their past relationships like, for this to be surprising?

I end up running into it more in fluffy fanworks about asexuality than in fanworks that aren’t. Again — you can absolutely do that, but please tag/warn for it; even if it’s just in passing, in fluff fic it’s really not something I expect from the genre. Even though I might sometimes be specifically in the mood to read an exploration of that, in dark fic or in hurt/comfort fic!

And now for more specific stuff I wanna see in stories:

This last bit is intended as both an encouragement for people who want to create these things and think there’s no audience (there is!!), and as a box of ideas for people who have no idea how to depict the asexuality of characters but want to :3 Again, this is not in any way a statement that these are The Only Correct Way, or even things that all aspec people want to see, nor is it a diss at people who create, consume or want the exact opposite of these things — for that matter, some of the items on this list are mutually exclusive. It’s just my own tastes and literally just stuff I personally would love to see (more).

Ace character being single, happy to be single, and happily ace

Asexuality being written in but a complete non-issue, not discussed, not brought up, not even to reassure the ace character that It Is Fine

Ace character being flippant and snarky about their asexuality, making jokes and memes about it

Ace character not caring about other people’s perception of them at all

Ace character feeling only pride and happiness and comfort about that label

More than one ace character! Extra love for them having some similarities and also some differences!

Intersectionality: ace character being also aro, trans, nonbinary, bi or pan, polyamorous, kinky, a drag queen, a dom or sub, neurodivergent, disabled, non-white, … ; asexuality being just one part of their identity

Asexuality being queer and belonging to the LGBT+ community in itself; a character being cis, aro or heteroromantic, and ace, and “counting” as “queer enough”

Flirty ace character

Confident, self-comfortable ace character

Ace character considering their specific experience to be perfectly normal and not unique, if not typical

Ace character enjoying something that is commonly considered to be sexy or sexual, but it isn’t for them — such as wearing makeup or lingerie, going clubbing, pole-dancing, massages…

Ace character happily dating someone who is not aspec

I like the thought that it’s possible! I personally like this more than I like fanworks about two aspec people dating. I like it when the ace character is happy to adapt to their allo partner’s requirements and I like it when the allo character is happy to adapt to their ace partner’s requirements and I like it when there are things that just do not match perfectly and that doesn’t put an end to the relationship.

Ace character having a lot of experience dating

Partner(s) already knowing about asexuality and not needing to have it explained to them

Partners just being like “*shrug* okay”, without making it a big deal that they’re “giving up” sexual intercourse

Ace character crushing and getting flustered over physical but non-sexual aspects of their love interest’s looks

Big strong hands, nice jaw, strong nose, long eyelashes, lovely profile, silky hair, lovely eye-colour, delicate wrists, muscles, long legs, collar bone, shoulder blades, squishy stomach, peek of bellybutton, freckles, moles, scars, …

Ace character daydreaming about their love interest in ways that involve zero physical attraction, thoughts about how pretty or handsome they are, or desire to touch them

Jon pining for Martin and just wanting to talk with him, have tea with him, hang out with him… not seeing how Tim is good-looking but being attracted to his humour and nerdiness… missing his relationship with Georgie because it felt nice to cook together and share clothes and watch the telly together… Zolf missing Hamid’s fiery passion or Wilde’s awful puns… being attracted to Cel’s liveliness and inventiveness… being charmed by Azu’s emotional intelligence or her unwavering certainty in her faith…

Smut involving an ace character

No shaming of fellow real living people about that

Not going to go into it again because plenty of us have been talking about that in this fandom for two years now — bottom line is there do exist plenty of asexual people that 1) do have sex IRL, 2) do want to consume smut, can we please, as a community, move past the “this is not smut because this character is ace!” passive-aggressive attacks already. (“I depict this character as not having sex because he’s ace and I’m ace and it makes me happy” is fine! Just don’t imply that that’s the only way to be ace and that other people are wrong to want something else.)

Ace character enjoying sex

Ace character being completely neutral about having or not having sex

Ace character disliking sex in the same way they dislike, idk, coffee. No, absolutely not, thank you, no concession, not for me, but also it’s nothing traumatic or moral or uncomfortable.

Sex being just a thing, not a big deal, having or not having it not being all that important

Ace character enjoying the concept of sex, abstractly. Ace character consuming porn, writing porn, being fine discussing sex with friends, having a dirty mind — just not wanting to be involved in it

Ace character having fantasies that disturb them

Ace character feeling arousal and being just *shrug* about it, not particularly disgusted, just uninterested

Arousal, libido, or masturbation as something different and separate from sexual attraction and desire to sleep with someone or to be touched

Ace character being kinky af

Ace character having multiple partners and different sorts of relationships with each!

Open relationships

Non-sexual romantic relationships

Queerplatonic relationships

COMMITTED!!! NON-SEXUAL AND NON-ROMANTIC!!! PARTNERSHIPS!!! AAAAAA [sobbing emoji]

Non-sexual physical intimacy

Hand-holding! Playing footsie! Cuddles! Hugging! Kissing! Super heavy making out and getting aroused but no sex! Sharing a bed! Lying on top of each other! Bathing or showering together! Giving each other a haircut or a shave! Massages! Non-sexual nudity!

Non-physical intimacy

Committed couple having separate beds/rooms! Getting married! Being in love and not kissing or touching! Loving long-distance relationships! QPR! Affection and closeness expressed through speech, gifts, services, time, shared activities — wearing each other’s clothes, cooking together, long emotional conversations, trust and secrets, love letters, post-it notes, “thought of you” gifts, celebrating anniversaries with a candle-lit dinner, co-parenting...!

Sexual situations with no touching

(CW bit detailed:)

Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, dirty talking, reading or watching porn (alone or together), consensual voyeurism like watching their partner masturbate or have sex with someone else, kink using toys and accessories or scenes but with no actual touching, …

Romanticised consent and boundaries

An asexual character being super firm about what they do not want and their allo partner being thrilled about that trust and communication!! An allosexual partner trusting their asexual partner about what they want without infantilising them or doubting their capacity to establish their boundaries! “Wait, you always say you don’t like [x]?” “Yes, but I feel like it right now, as I assumed would be pretty clear from the fact that I am doing [x] right now :w” “Hey, just checking, sue me :w” “Yes, thank you :w”

Specific boundaries

Cheek kisses but no lip kisses, no PDA, not having sex where they’re also going to sleep, needing a shower immediately after sex, lights off only, …

(CW more detailed:)

… not caring about feeling or seeing their partner’s hard-on but not wanting to do anything about it, penetration but no oral, bottoming but not topping, giving a blowjob but not having their head held, being fine with extreme acts but not liking fluids, pet names but no dirty talk, dirty talk but no pet names, happy to pleasure their partner but not wanting to be touched, not wanting to come, being only into sex as part of extreme kink but not interested in vanilla sex, …

Shifting boundaries and consent

Ace character likes kissing or cuddles but only on their terms — they will come give their partner a kiss sometimes but bristle at being touched. Today is not a kissing day. Today this ace character is a bit down and would like a lot of physical affection and cuddling. Certain areas are off-limits for touching because this ace character is sensitive on their thighs, ticklish in their ribs, self-conscious about their scars. This ace character considers their chest non-sexual so that’s fine but do not pat their butt.

Today, exceptionally, this ace character is horny and feels like banging. Ace character feels like banging sometimes but is not in the mood right now, bye. Ace character feels like banging from eight to nine pm every second Thursday of the month, catch it or miss it. Couple shares a shower every morning and it’s never meant to be a sexual thing, but today the ace one is getting aroused and hey, you know what, they’d like to get off right now. This massage is fantastic but it’s getting overwhelming, so they ask to stop (but it was great!). Ace character is intrigued about this particular scenario/position/kink and wants to try it out, they do, it’s perfectly nice, but hmm, once was enough, they’re not interested in doing it again. Ace character sexts their partner all day but by the time their partner has got home, undressed and prepared and pulled out the strap, they’ve lost interest.

♠♥ Thank you for reading all this! Hope this inspires people so I get more stuff that makes me happy! ♥♠

[scripttorture]

Under the right conditions, is it possible to "brainwash" someone using torture? My character was raised by someone who wanted to turn him into their own weapon, so they would condition them to react a certain way, using what can be seen as torture methods. The history of this character will only be shown in flash backs but I want to get this right and show the terrible and lasting impact of that history.

Nope.

 Not even remotely possible. And the way this trope is used in most fiction it isn’t really survivable either.

 The best case outcome I can see for a situation like the one you’ve described is a severely physically disabled and severely traumatised adult who would probably be unable to care for their own needs or ‘pass’ as a normal member of society.

 I’m also… skeptical of some of the phrasing here. ‘Can be seen as torture methods’ sounds very much like plain ol’ torture to me. Whatever apologist material you’ve read I can assure you that in reality there is really very little grey area.

 Chances are what you thinking of is torture and has serious long term physical consequences. Like death.

 If you really do want to get this right then in my opinion you have a choice between keeping the torture or keeping the character as an effective fighter.

 I can’t tell you which is the better choice for your story. That is up to you.

 But if you want to be realistic and if you want to be respectful to survivors you can not have both.

 Neither option is right or wrong. It depends on what you think the most important part of this character is.

 If the torture seems to be the most important part then that’s going to mean accepting the effects on the character.

 A lifetime of torture starting at a young age is likely to result in death. When it doesn’t severe mental health problems and developmental delays are guaranteed. Long term physical disability is incredibly likely, but the exact form it would take depends on the abuse.

 Intellectual disability is also really really likely. Especially if the character is kept in solitary confinement, starved or food is withheld as a punishment.

 A character like this would be much less effective as a fighter then an ordinary person. They would learn how to fight much more slowly. Their strength and reflexes would be worse. They would be significantly hampered by chronic pain and whatever other forms of physical disability the abuse left them with.

 Essentially if a character like this reached adulthood they would probably require some form of regular support. This could range from health care worker visits every other evening to 24 hour care. It would take years of support, care and concerted effort for the character to be able to care for themselves and function as a member of their community. Even with all that support they might never be able to care for themselves.

 This is what I mean when I talk about the misconceptions we have around torture being harmful.

 Because we have all seen dozens of examples of this narrative. Where tortured characters are ‘forced’ to become warriors, assassins, ‘killing machines’.

 The reality is these people struggle to leave their homes. They struggle to feed themselves.

 And we turn around and paint them as dangerous for it, for daring to survive.

 It just isn’t cricket.

 Which brings me to option two. Trying to make the character into an effective and loyal fighter.

 That means getting rid of any physical abuse in the narrative because it is more likely to produce resistance to the ‘teacher’ character and is more likely to make a less effective fighter.

 When I say ‘any physical abuse’ I absolutely mean it. Spanking, going to bed without supper, standing or sitting in the corner for long periods, washing their mouth out with soap. Any physical punishment should be avoided in the story.

 Even if it’s a punishment that is normalised or portrayed as ‘less harmful’.

 Solitary confinement also definitely counts. The definition is less then 1-2 hours of human contact a day.

 There’s research on the effects of solitary confinement on young children, but studies on incarcerated teenagers in the US clearly show a larger negative effect in children compared to adults. If the effects on teenagers is severe enough to have a lasting impact on their ability to socialise then I think it’s safe to assume the impact on younger children would be devastating.

 Realistically speaking if you want a character to be capable of interacting with others in a passably ‘normal’ way then that character needs to have regular, positive interaction growing up.

 Abuse does not instil loyalty.

 In fact the evidence we have for torture pretty clearly shows that it increases resistance. It produces opposition, often lasting and strong opposition. This does not necessarily mean violent action; it means that survivors and witnesses tend to despise torturers and anyone they associate with torturers. And they act on those feelings in whatever way they can.

 Abuse does not aid learning or training.

 It does make students significantly more likely to die.

 If you want a character who is loyal and can fight well then realistically speaking the process you want to describe is more like a cult. I refer to these techniques as ‘ICURE’ partly because some of the literature does and partly because I feel like it’s a helpful acronym that reminds readers what the techniques are.

 ICURE means: Isolate, Control information, create Uncertainty, Repetition and Emotive arguments. Let me break that down and explain how it works.

 The group (or possibly just the abusive individual in your story) isolates the targetted character from people outside the group. This can mean physically imprisoning them or (more commonly) making it difficult for them to socialise with people outside the group.

 This can be done with punishments. But more often it’s achieved with manipulation rather then violence.

 If the target is encouraged to ‘convert’ others or persuade them to join the group that can severely limit the social interaction they have with people outside the group. It teaches people outside the group to avoid that person otherwise they’ll get a sermon.

 Another approach might be putting social or emotional penalties on interacting with people outside the group.

 For example, say this child character sees other children playing in a park and asks the teacher character if they can go and play.

 First the teacher might say that other children are awful and do they really want to go? They won’t enjoy it. Are they sure? Well the teacher has a lot of things to do today it would be very inconvenient. Are they really sure? They won’t have fun. Other children are bad and mean. Wouldn’t they rather do some more training like a good child or play a game with the teacher? Are they really really sure? Well alright fine they’ll go outside but only with the teacher and only for twenty minutes-

 This kind of interaction teaches children that trying to interact with people outside the group is not worth the effort.

 This is part of ‘Controlling information’. It means that anything the character learns is first filtered through the larger group. It’s a form of censorship which means the character is only exposed to information that supports the group/ideas the group wants the character to have.

 This is combined with creating uncertainty about beliefs the group wants the character to reject. Often this means only providing information that discredits their outside belief systems. It can also mean extended discussions about ‘why x is wrong’.

 Things that are designed to create uncertainty don’t have to be true or accurate. Often they’re not. But if the character has little contact with outside sources they may never find out the truth.

 Repetition is, what it says on the tin. It’s repeating this pattern of only giving the character information the group wants them to have, positive messages about the ideals the group wants to instil and negative messages about previous belief systems. Consistent repetition over a long period of time has an effect on our beliefs. Sometimes it even effects them when we know the information is wrong.

 Emotive arguments means- well keeping any discussion away from logic. Something like- going from ‘well I’m not sure this idea about our belief system lines up with what you taught me’ to the manipulative character asking why the target hates them/God/the entire group.

 This sort of environment through childhood would lead to an intensely isolated individual, almost entirely reliant on the teacher-character for all their emotional and social needs as well as physical survival.

 And that produces a character that’s likely to be intensely loyal.

 Because we are social animals and we need positive interaction. We will often to choose to go along with group-actions, even if we don’t like them or feel they’re wrong, if the alternative is being alone.

 Manipulative groups and individuals often go out of their way to persuade targetted people that the only options are them or complete isolation. It’s a horribly successful strategy.

 Rounding this off- I suggest you take a look at this masterpost on common torture apologia tropes.

 You should also read this post on researching torture and this one on the most common effects it has on adults.

 I can’t tell which of these two options is the correct one for your story.

 All I can really do is explain why the story, as it is right now, is unrealistic. And how that repeated fictional trope harms survivors and our understanding of torture.

 Where you go from here and how you use that information is up to you.

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[skincarebeautymakeuptips]

Pride 2020 & Beyond: The Journey of a Female Transgender Software Engineer

2020 has been quite the year so far. From the recent black lives matter protests to the ongoing COVID-19 lockdown, which has put quite a damper on the yearly pride parades in city streets around the world. We wanted to look inside of the up-and-coming beauty tech startup, Mira, the world’s largest catalogue of skincare & cosmetics products, ratings & reviews covering thousands of beauty brands, and gather some feedback from their team about their take on Pride in 2020 and the future of it.

Below is an enlightening, must-read Q&A with Jess, Mira’s first senior female engineer.

Tell us more about yourself?

My name is Jess and I’m a software engineer here at Mira. I was one of the first developers to join the team, and their first senior female engineer. I am a transgender woman, who has been transitioning for just under 3 years. I am passionate about both data and beauty and feel lucky I have found a place where I can live up these two passions at the same time. I believe in the transformative and empowering power of makeup, because it’s brought me the confidence boost that I needed.

Do you think virtual Pride parades are here to stay post COVID-19?

I hope so. A large part of Pride is to be visible, be seen, to get out there, and let people know that we members of the LGBTIQ+ community exist, matter, and are here to stay. Some of us still can’t get out of our towns to go celebrate in person, and with COVID19, virtual events are an opportunity to provide greater access to educational and allyship resources to all. I am confident virtual pride events will find their purpose, separate from physical parades and celebrations which are as important to the community.

How much do you think Pride events will grow to 2021 worldwide?

It will grow every year, especially as more and more allies become aware of the importance of LGBTIQ+ rights. Until we are all recognized as equals under the eyes of the law, we can expect more people to come out in support of the community. While acceptance grows for some, we are still facing major challenges in the United States. The overall homicide and suicide rates of transgender Americans is higher than that of cisgender individuals. Three in ten young trans people attempt suicide in the country, and the average lifespan of a Black transwoman in America is about 40 years old. Violence against trans individuals is increasing, and it’s not helping that trans rights are under perpetual attack by the Trump administration. This is what the world needs an LGBTIQ+ Pride Month for, more than ever.

Tips for beauty brands to engage customers during Pride?

As a transwoman, one of the biggest hurdles I encountered was having little experience or education in applying makeup and beauty products; I had never been taught at an early age, unlike most women. More education, acknowledgment and accessibility would massively improve the experience of trans and gender non-conforming people in navigating various beauty products. A good example is beauty classes and tutorial sessions with makeup artists. There is no need for custom trans makeup – I am a woman, like any other woman. The only difference is that I didn’t have access to beauty education until I became my true self in and out. So, I have a heck of a lot to learn! We here at Mira are achieving this by improving access to information on all things beauty, regardless of how you self-identify. And we offer the most supportive and inclusive community.

Tips for business to engage and encourage employees to support Pride?

Raise your voice. Or seize opportunities to have one. Some formal diversity and inclusion training is absolutely necessary, and NOT just because it’s Pride Month. We are all different, we all respond to things differently, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Pride isn’t just the time to show off your rainbow logo, it’s not just a time to show your values externally. It’s a time to show your values internally, including normalising name tags / pronoun pins for everyone, not just those who request them, and protecting LGBTIQA+ people from being “outed” or exposed. Coming out is a personal experience and process, and to each their own time.

Any Pride makeup tips for virtual event participants?

Be creative, be fearless, be you. Wear your colors proudly. I personally love seeing pride flags and colors around the eyes, particularly on the eyelid, crease, and brow. I would do this, but unfortunately me trying to do any makeup around the eyes scares me because I’m so terrible at it! Need more practice, practice, practice!

How can a novice support Pride online this year and next?

Pride is for everyone: every marginalized group – and there are quite a lot! Join in, positively support and talk about it within and outside their social group and donate to affiliated charities. I have seen first-hand the kind of work these charities (namely the San Francisco LGBT Center) do for the community, and it is nothing short of incredible. Donations can impact so many lives.

Thoughts on the Pride movement the past few years?

I hope 2020 Pride will be remembered for the Black trans community. And I hope it will stay that way: Pride is about giving visibility to those who need it most, which hasn’t always been the case in recent years. I think much of Pride has become too corporate and too much about partying and sponsorships, rather than being seen and heard. While it is a step forward that companies are willing to advertise to us and with us in the LGBTIQA+ community, where even a decade ago this would be seen as financial suicide, it’s still little more than tokenism in many cases and does not really give anything back to the community. Much of the advertising ignores smaller parts of the community, in favor of more “accepted” segments. This needs to change.

What do you think Pride parades will look like in 5 years from now?

More inclusivity. Much larger crowds and more allies I would hope too. As misinformation about the transgender and non-binary community continues to clear up, I would expect to see a greater proportion of those groups represented within Pride. It’s actually what the LGBTQIA+ community is expecting from brands: Be part of leading the charge on true inclusivity, just not the politically correct one.

Cheers to Jess for providing such a great take on the pride movement and helpful feedback for other transgender professionals too. Although Pride is very different this year, it will be celebrated with much love virtually around the world. So, if you’re looking for some ideas for your virtual pride parade with friends, family, and supporters everywhere, Mira has provided an amazing list of pride makeup looks for 2020 to consider using for your upcoming virtual Pride Parade this year.

Source: https://thriveglobal.com/stories/pride-2020-beyond-the-journey-of-a-female-transgender-software-engineer/ 

[cutmyhairabovemyjaw]

Heaven and Hell Bound - Tommy Shelby ~ Part 5

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Hi Guys. Thank you so much for the love and comments, they truly brighten my day. During this part I decided to include some reference pictures of how I envision the clothing during certain scenes in this chapter. Let me know how you feel about these and if you’d like to see more or less of them. 

After this part there will be one more chapter set during the war before we move into Birmingham which will loosely follow Season 1 of the show. I’ve been thinking of trying out requests for one-shots with different characters from the show and others. Let me know if you’d be interested in that :) Hope you enjoy reading part 5 and again, any feedback is most welcome. <3 <3. 

Tags:

@namelesslosers 

Part 5 - The Dance

Y/N’s POV

It had been a month since Tommy was brought to the hospital, a month since I heard his screams, a month since I felt his kiss. And there had not been a single night in which my head was not stormed by thoughts of him. I craved his touch, his smile, his caress. I had written him quickly, just as he had asked. We talked of the mundane, of the gruesome, of the merry. My diary was now filled with sketches he’d drawn and photos he’d sent. Most recently, however, he had requested that I send through one of my nurses ribbons. I was puzzled as to why he would wish for something as plain and simple as this. 

“My dearest Y/N, 

Please forgive my selfishness as, yet again, I ask for a piece of you. Whilst your photo sits forever in my pocket, I must find some rare time to pause and peacefully admire it. I noticed on my last hospital visit that all the nurses wear white ribbons somewhere on their person. I have had the pleasure of seeing you wear it in your hair and around your delicate wrist. I ask because many soldiers whose lovers volunteer as nurses, tie this ribbon in with the shoelaces on their boots. The idea is that as we soldiers look down at our feet and into the hell we may soon occupy, an angel stops us on our way. Perhaps you are not my lover yet but you are my angel. The Christmas Ball ever approaches. I believe the invitations shall arrive within the next week. I look forward to seeing you there. If you get invited that is. Perhaps the goblin matron of yours wants you all to herself.

Sincerely, 

Your Tommy.”

His angel. That’s what he called me. I still believe that my eyes were deceiving me as I read and continued to re-read those words. I sent one away at once. If I could supply any hope or relief in his darkest times, I would gladly do so. Anything to see that stupid perfect smile of his. He was right about the invitations. In fact they arrived the following morning. And when they did, we all got very excited, perhaps Rosaline a little too much. 

We sat upon our hill, the freshly delivered mail buzzing in our hands. The air seemed sweeter and the sun brighter as everyone in the hospital radiated excitement as the beautiful red envelopes graced the grey and brown hospital. It seems this year the higher ups have decided to use the annual Christmas ceasefire to up morale. It was nice to see some smiles around here. “You ready?” Ro asks me, her smile wider than before, if that were even possible. I look to her and nod, my eyes wide and ready. Ro tears into the envelope, erratically pulling and tearing, turning the once solid paper into confetti shreds. I laugh before carefully peeling the seal back, trying to preserve the item as best I can, knowing I will want it in it’s best condition for my diary. We simultaneously pull out the letter and read the message. 

“Dear service Men and Women,

It is with great pleasure that we invite you to the 1916 Allied Christmas Ball. As a reward for bravely fighting for your king you will enjoy a night of dancing, singing and drinking followed by the second day of the two-day cease fire. Provisions have been provided by the Crown and the public. Formal uniform is expected. 

God Save The King.”

I jump as from beside me I hear Ro let out a loud holler of joy and enthusiasm. I laugh and join her as we cheer into the sky. “You know what this means Y/N?” She leans forward, eyes wild. “Oh boy” I say in preparation for her explosion of joy, knowing what is to come next. “Dress up time!” We hoot and holler once more, taking full advantage of this moment. We burst into laughter. Whilst I had grown up on rural farm land with little time for glitz and glam, Rosaline was born into a family which lay on the wealthier side of things. Whilst she rebelled against many aspects of it, she was infatuated with fashion and beauty. One of our many post-war dreams was to attend the most extravagant regal event and cause havoc whilst donning dazzlingly expensive gowns. Whilst this wasn’t exactly that, Ro would make it work. “I’m going to give Tommy the most beautiful date of them all!” She declares, like a Queen to her kingdom. I laugh, the alien feeling of my cheeks hurting from smiling returning for the first time since the war began. She pulls me to my feet and begins to twirl me around, a horrible version of ballroom dancing does ensue. “You two will dance into the night, twirling, giggling, and drinking the whole way through. Before he finally seals the night with true-love's kiss” She puckers her lips out comically. I smash by hand against her mouth and she slobbers on my palm. “ Oh Jesus Ro gross.” I wipe my spit covered hand against my apron. “And then,” she continues, my anxieties growing, fearing what words may following next, “He fucks you well into the night as you howl his name down-” This time I firmly plant my hand over her lips, silencing her ridiculous statement. “Shut the fuck up Ro” I shout-whisper to her, my eyes wide and a blush rampant on my cheeks. I remove my hand, letting out the wild laughter Rosaline had produced. I sigh, shaking my head in shame trying to ignore all of the horrified looks the other nurses were giving us. I let out a small chuckle. “You’re ridiculous you know. Completely and utterly ridiculous.” I say, every word I utter is followed by a small jab to her stomach with my finger, using her ticklish nature to my advantage. “Ok! Ok! I’m sorry,” she surrenders to my actions, “It’s true though”. I simply shake my head once more. Of course I’d had my fair share of intimate thoughts of Tommy, but it was nothing more than a fantasy. Perhaps he shared these thoughts. Perhaps he wished to enact them. Fuck what am I thinking. He might not even dance with me… I hope he does. “Well come on Y/N. We’ve only got a week to prepare so let’s go!” She pulls me out of my train of thought both with her words and her hand which now drags me towards the hospital tent. I still have not decided upon how I feel about the Christmas Ball. Part of me dreads it with my whole existence whilst the other has never been more excited about anything. 

The first day of the cease fire had dawned. The peace was unfamiliar, almost unsettling as opposed to the normalised violence of every other day. And with it, the cease fire brought the dreaded Christmas Ball. The nurses gossiped amongst themselves, sharing around what little makeup and products they had managed to keep. Practically every second word that were freed from Rosaline’s brain had something to do with the ball or the dressing up. I was happy for her. She deserved to be happy and play fashion, not to encounter death and sadness on the daily.

Rosaline had already gotten herself ready. She radiated perfect beauty as her red lipstick and black mascara accentuated her doe-eyed complexion. Her ginger hair flowing by her waist as opposed to the tight bun it normally found itself in. As we stood in front of her small mirror, the juxtaposition of complete beauty and myself was accentuated. I wallowed in my gloomy insecurity, looking down to avoid the striking gaze of the mirror. How was I supposed to compare to someone like Ro.  How was I supposed to impress someone like Tommy. I felt two small warm hands guide me out of the depths of my brain as Rosaline now held my face. “Y/N listen to me hey? Just listen. When you guys first saw each other you stood still, blown away by each others beauty. And guess what you both looked like? You were in your uniform, you were sweaty and covered in all kinds of gross shit like vomit and blood. And Tommy? He’d just dragged John out of a tunnel so he was covered in bloody dirt and muck and was the most dishevelled we’ll probably ever see him. You guys fell in love while kinda looking like shit.” We laugh, I begin to understand what she’s saying. She continues on, smiling proud, knowing she’d won me over, “He’s going to think you’re absolutely beautiful, ok? Hell everyone’s going to think that. We’ll walk into that ball, arms locked together and stun them into silence. Perhaps a few may even cry,” she proclaims rather melodramatically. I smile, rolling my eyes at her antics. I turn to hug her, grateful for her love. She sits me down in a nearby chair. “Now come on, we’ll miss the bloody thing if we take much longer.” Perhaps he will find me beautiful. 

Tommy’s POV

I stand in front of the dirty, sorry excuse we have for a mirror, fiddling with my tie and the buckles on my sleeves. I try, to no avail, to slick my hair back, push it to the side, I try everything to make it decent. Frustration fills me as I wipe my hands down my face. “Fucking fuck it” I exhale. What is she gonna think of the bloody mess that I am. I slam my hat down onto my head, sitting on my bunk to begin to tie my boots. That’s when I see it once more. Y/N’s ribbon. I take it gently between my fingers, closing my eyes and remembering her. I shall not ruin a night that could be filled with her smile, her touch, her eyes, with my silly insecurities. I hear the tent flap bustling as it is pushed open. I look up to see Arthur and John, dressed in the same garb as myself. “Tommy, they are uh, they’ve given the order to start heading off” he says kindly, holding his cap, fidgeting with his fingers. I blink slowly, nodding whilst looking to the ground. I wave one hand, gesturing to them that I’ll catch up. They look to each other, reading the worry written on my face. John moves to sit next to me putting his hand on my shoulder. “Tommy,” he says, the toothpick bouncing between his teeth and lips, “look mate, everything’s gonna be fine. You look fucking ugly as normal.” He laughs, I shoved his shoulder. “Come on now John Boy, tell him the truth” Arthur smiles at his younger brothers. “You look great Tom and she’s gonna look beautiful. So if you don’t get your sorry ass out there, every other fucking guy’s gonna dance with her. And we can’t have that now can we now Arthur”, “No John, course we can’t have that. Plus,” Arthur continues, a smugness tugging at his tongue, “What use would we have for this otherwise?” He pulls out a flask, whiskey no doubt dancing in the bottle. “Now come on, drink up, the Shelby brothers have got some work to do” he proclaims. I stand and laugh. I’d spent the last week dreaming of how this night will go. How’d she look. How’d we dance, drink and smoke. Perhaps even get close. Oh Y/N, what are you doing to me. 

Y/N’s POV

An hour later we stand in front of the mirror once more, this time, surprisingly happy thoughts made their way through my mind. Our formal attire projected elegance as our normal uniform paled in comparison. It was clean, shapely, and flattering. Whilst the veil was slightly uncomfortable I had a plan for that.  Once everyone had gotten drunk of booze and dancing, no one would pay any mind to a missing veil or two. Rosaline had given me very similar makeup to hers, carving stark black lines around my eyes, and a scarlet scenery to the hills and crests of my lips. If the notion of the fighting starting up again in two days was not present, perhaps truly good fun could be had, and true happiness could be felt. I stop myself from dwelling on this, everyday could be our last, and if my last involves dancing and Tommy that’s fine by me. “Ladies start filling through to the tent please!” Rosaline and I turn to the source of the noise, a high ranking soldier gives the order. A wave of cheering pours out from the nurses. A smile breaks onto my face. “Well come on then slow poke!” Ro runs forward, dragging me by my hand. “Wait wait wait! I have something for Tommy.” I run back, reaching into my diary, pulling out the small origami horse I had made for him. Quickly, I place it in my pocket before Rosaline’s beady eyes could ask any questions. “Ok. Let’s do this”. We loop our arms together. Our heads high. Stepping in time. We will take on the world, or at least the dance floor. 

(Y/N’s POV on left, Tommy’s bumped to the right)

I finally catch a glimpse of the massive white tent which would soon house many a drunkard soldier and stumbling nurse. It seems they collected every light source from every bunk as the scene was set alight with beautiful bulbs and strings. It reminded me of one of those fancy christmas trees I would ogle at in shop windows. The music filled my ears, as did the tapping of shoes, and harmonized singing. A makeshift bar had been set up, tables and chairs too. My heart swells with excitement as Ro and I beam with joy. I hadn’t spotted Tommy yet, and it may yet be a task to do so as more and more people crowd in. 

“Oi Oi!” Arthur yells as we enter the large tent. “It’s a fucking riot in here ain’t it” John speaks, before spitting on the floor. I watch as the dancing erupts onto the floor, amused by the singing antics of the already drunk. “Look at some of the birds in here mate. You’d have to pay a pretty penny to get with one of them back in Small Heath.” Arthur drools over the women, the party letting out the beast in some of them. “Well boys,” I begin, lighting my cigarette, “Go get drunk, get into as many fights as you can and go for any woman you like. Just not mine.” John whoops and claps, “Thatta Boy Tommy. Now John Boy, we’ve got some work to do.” They walk off, leaving me to myself.

“This is amazing Y/N! Have you seen some of the blokes in here?” Rosaline exclaims to me. Turns out her lover Edward hadn’t died, rather he’d being fucking their resident nurse over there. Nothing motivates Rosaline quite like revenge with a side of free drink. “Go have fun Ro. You deserve it.” I spur her on, knowing she ached for some fun and freedom. “You sure you’ll be ok?” I nod in response. “Now go you bloody minx, go!” I push her towards the group of dancing soldiers. I laugh and make my way to the bar. Besides I had a mission of my own.  

Find Tommy.

Find Y/N. That’s what I had to do. I walk through the dance floor, noticing her friend Rosaline tearing up a storm. Yet my Y/N was not with her. Come on Y/N. I kept walking making my way to the rudimentary bar. Please be there. 

I sat at the bar, not yet finding Thomas. Perhaps he’d been dancing. I smile at the thought. The night had only begun, I mustn't worry now. I begin to make my way over to the dancing circle. Come on Tommy, where are you?

3rd Person POV

Little did they know at this point that they had both been looking for each other. 

Little did they know they were headed straight for one another.

 In a parting of the crowds filled with dancing drunks, they saw each other.

 Their eyes meeting, just as they had that fateful first day. 

He looked unbelievably handsome.

She was breathtakingly beautiful.

They swam in each other’s eyes. 

Silence filled their ears. 

They peered each other up and down, taking in their elegant costume. 

Neither of their feet moved. 

For all one knows their hearts were beating too fast, or perhaps not beating at all. 

Instead she waved. 

A small flick of the fingers and a smile. 

He laughs and returns the gesture. 

As they walk to each other, the same thought plagues their minds.

Maybe tonight I’ll tell him.

Maybe tonight I’ll tell her. 

Y/N’s POV. 

We now stand face to face, awe spread across my cheeks. He looks at me with the biggest smile I’ve seen painting his profile. “Hello Sergeant Major Thomas Shelby”, I courtesy, deciding to play into this royal fantasy that our outfits created. “Why, you look ravishing Sister Y/N L/N”, he bows, taking one of my hands and places a gentle kiss on it. “Fuck off Tom”, we both laugh, he extends his arm for me to take hold of. I gladly do so. We wander together this time to the bar, taking a seat on the crates that had been scrounged together. “Two Whiskeys please” Tommy orders, leaning his elbow on the table. “So, I see that Rosaline is quite the dancer.” We look out, watching her as she flows from soldier to soldier, her skirt twirling and her hair flowing. “Oh yeah. I feel bad for any other girl that even attempts to get on that dance floor.” I respond, proud of my best friend and she wraps all those boys around her finger. “And what about you Y/N, do you dance?” he asks, grabbing his glass of now delivered whiskey as I do the same. I leaned forward and new wave of air taking over me, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” He smirks, playfully scoffing. “Well then,” He downs his whole glass, slamming it on the table before standing up, offering a hand to me. I following his actions, chugging my drink before hammering my glass down, taking his hand. “Let’s put you to the test then hey?” 

We danced and danced and danced. We danced wildly, we danced passionately, we danced carefully. My head was now rested upon his shoulder as we swayed in each other’s arms. Our eyes rest closed, not a care in the world. I feel the vibrations in his chest as he hums along to the music. The party had well and truly died down. People had either gone back to their bunks, had collapsed on the floor or were savouring the last dance. Over the course of the night I had met Arthur and John, they were bruised and bleeding after just getting out of a fight of course, I’d drank way too much and blisters covered my feet from dancing. But I didn’t care. It was a perfect evening with Tommy. He called me beautiful, he’d kissed my cheek. I wonder if my face was now stained red, a blush had become a regular to cross my face. I looked up to admire him, his eyes still calm and closed.  I had utterly and completely fallen for Thomas Shelby. But this thought brought more sadness with it than I anticipated. Tommy was a soldier, everyday could be his last. If he makes it home we live in different towns. We had completely foreign lives back in England. I worry that the intensity of the war had amplified our feelings, meaning outside of the fighting, there would be none. I fear I care for him more than he cares for me. I squeeze him tight, not ever wanting to let go. He opens his eyes and squeezes back, looking down to me worried. “You ok pretty girl?” He asks letting go of my hand and waist and instead, places his hands on my cheeks. I meet his blue-sky eyes and sigh into his touch, resting my hand on top of his. “I’m ok, just worrying about silly future stuff.” He laughs, “Silly future stuff hey? Don’t worry about that hey, just enjoy right now. That’s what they teach you down in the tunnels. Think about living now, in this very minute, the soldier’s minute. Just you and me hey?” I nodded timidly, his beauty still making me shy. We dance for a few moments more, savouring every touch and every look. 

“Y/N?” I hear Rosaline call from behind me, a slight slur to her words. I turn to see her and a soldier practically holding each other up. “Me and this Noah here are heading back to our bunk. So uh...you might wanna find somewhere else to sleep…” They giggle amongst themselves. I roll my eyes, both happy she’s having fun, but not so happy about sleeping someplace else. “Play nice Rosaline. Now go on, have fun,” they cheer and smile to each other before turning around and stumbling out. “And no fun on my bunk!” I add. “No promises!” She yells back. “Cheeky fucker” I whisper to Tom. He laughs in response. “So where will you go now?” he asks, concern lacing his voice. “Well I suppose one of the hospital bunks will probably be free…” I kick my feet against the ground, realising how uncomfortable it will be. “I uh, I might have a solution,” he begins, scratching the back of his head, “John and Arthur have both gone back to their girl’s rooms, therefore...Why not stay with me?”  My eyes fly up to meet his, “Really!” He laughs at my excitement. “I-i mean if that’s ok with you. I don’t want to intrude”, I stammer on, embarrassed by my reaction.  He leans his forehead on to mine, “Y/N?” I hum in response, “Shut up” he jests. I laugh trying to brush away awkwardness. “Now come on, before any other drunk offers you their bunk.” 

We walk hand in hand, enjoying the silence all the way back to his bunk. As I enter the space I take in my surroundings. I notice the 3 small bunks, one for each brother. I watch Tommy sit on the furthest bunk and begin to take his boots off. I walk over to join him, analysing what trinkets lay on his table. I try to remember everything. A diary, papers, cigarettes and matches, a knife and photographs, many many photographs. I flick through them, observing a younger Tommy surrounded by his family. I attempt to match the names Thomas had given me to the faces in the photos. Ada, Polly, Finn. They looked happy... I hope my present would fit perfectly within the decor of his table. “Tommy,” I begin, turning towards him, my hands clasped behind me to try and hide my nervousness. He was now wearing only his sleep shirt, and his trousers. He meets my eyes but I can’t help but look him up and down. He steps towards me, nodding for me to continue. “I have a Christmas present for you.” His eyes widen, a confused smile tugs on his lips. “A Christmas present?” I nod, now excited. “Sit down and close your eyes” I order, pulling him back to the bed. I sit next to him, waiting for him to do the same. “Now stop looking at me and close your eyes.” He leans forward, still experiencing the waves of alcohol “You’re so pretty tho” he drags out the last syllable. “Tommy close your eyes and put your hands out” He still leans towards me, “Now”. He huffs and finally does so. I gently pull out the origami horse from my pocket, laying it in his hands. I watch his fingers jolt slightly at the feeling. “Ok, now you can open.” His eyes open, yet he sits silently, taking the horse in his fingers, examining it closer. 

I can’t read the expression on his face and I begin to worry. “I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid I shouldn’t have-�� He cuts me off. But not with his words. With his lips. My eyes stare wide, shocked at the action before I melt into the kiss. It’s perfect. It’s everything Rosaline describes from her romance book. It’s everything my dreams had wished for. After what feels like hours, we pull apart. “Thank you Y/N. I-i I don’t even know what to say.” Thomas speaks quietly, a loving softness to his voice. “You’re welcome Tommy. It’s a thank you for all that you’ve done for me.” He places it upon his desk, admiring it for the moment. “Would you mind if we lay down...together” He asks, his eyes pleading for a yes. I can’t seem to form words at this point. Instead I simply nod. We get comfortable, I removed my shoes and veil before laying beside him. He wraps his arms around me as my head rests upon his chest. “Y/N? Can you promise me something?” I lift my head, noticing the vulnerability wobbling his words. “Anything Tommy”. “Promise me that even after this fighting is done, we will stay together and that we will always find each other. Even if we are separated by a world and a half?” I raise my hand, extending my pinky. “Pinky promise” I say, “Pinky promise”, he returns. Our fingers lock and my heart rests. “Now, come here”, he whispers, tilting my lips to his. 

That night would never leave me. For how could one forget something as beautiful as that. We continued late into the night before finally falling asleep, bare in each others arms. 

Just before the tidal wave of sleep took over us, one last thing was said.

“I think I’m in love with you Y/N.” 

“I think I love you too Tommy.”

[dreamlandofelegma]

Chapter 1: Angara

It was early morning and Elegma was busy preparing herself for high school. She was very well organised and her room was always tidy. She wore black shirt over light blue jeans and brushed her light brown hair to tie them into a pony tail. She was tall and slim and had a graceful look.

She prepared her backpack the night before, just had to put a water bottle inside it. Whenever she went outside she always had water with her. It was a habit she took from her grandmother. She was very close to her grandmother since she was a little child. Her grandmother always supported her whenever she had a problem. Her heartfelt advices always provided guidance for Elegma when things got difficult.

She started school a week ago after her family shifted to the new city. It was one of the largest cities on equator, so the weather remain hot and wet all year long. Her school offered hostel facilities for girls in a building, nearly a kilometre away from the main campus, so she had to take the school mini bus to reach there.

The city weather was cloudy and the landscape green. Elegma could smell the scent of soil after rain. She was walking towards the bus stop with her long legs helping her to complete the distance in no time. She waited for approximately five minutes when the grey mini bus arrived. The student next to the door opened it for her. As she got into the bus, he motioned her a place to sit next to him. She sat down next to him after pushing the sliding door closed.

“Hi Elegma!”, her classmate Leah greeted her from back seat.

“Hi!”, Elegma replied her with a smile.

Leah was a very social girl and chit chats with everyone. Elegma enjoyed her company since she first met her at school. After greeting Elegma she was busy talking to the girl siting besides her. There was a ruckus in the bus. The students were making noise and cutting jokes on each other.

“Hey why did you shave your head, huh!”, asked a boy with long straight hair in a funny tone.

A bald-headed boy sitting in front of him seemed to be his friend and was just enjoying the time. Before the bald-headed boy could answer, another boy took part in the conversation.

“So, the girls look at him and think of him as funny!” , all three of them guffawed at the comment.

Elegma pursed her lips to suppress her smile spreading across her face. She couldn’t help listening to their conversation as they were so loud. The driver seemed upset at the situation. His facial expressions were cold and strict. He was about to burst into anger anytime. The boys payed no attention to his mood and keep on making noise.

The bus stopped at a bus stop and Elegma who was siting besides the door, opened it for the arriving students. As they got inside the driver looked at her as if telling her to pull the door closed. Normally, it would have been the driver’s responsibility to open and close the door properly. Elegma reached out for the door and tried her best to close it properly. The driver started the bus after everyone was settled.

“Hey Eary!”, one of the newly arrived boy patted the bald-headed boy. They greeted and started to comment on his hairless head. The other boys seemed interested in the conversation, as if waiting for something to laugh at.

“The name is Earl not Eary”, the bald-headed boy responded with fake anger.

“Yeah but your ears are so prominent today, I wonder why? Eeeaary!”, the boy replied stressing the vowels “ea” in the most ridiculous sound possible. Again there was burst of laughter inside the bus.

“No actually Eary means the one with two ears, am I right?”, another boy whispered in a way as if telling some top secret to his mates.

“Everyone has two ears”, the bald boy was still imitating an angry face.

“What do you call lice on a hairless head of a man?”, another one took part into the conversation.

“Aaa let me guess, homeless!”, someone replied from the back seat.

“Ha ha ha…”, almost everybody on the bus started to laugh.This time Elegma couldn’t control her smile which soon turned into a laughter also. Suddenly the bus hit the speed bump speedily. Everybody on the bus screamed as they gotten over each other because of the shock. The driver seemed to ignore everybody’s reaction. At that moment Elegma saw the sliding door opened as the bus jerked forward. The driver saw that too and hit the breaks. He got out of the bus in rage and came towards the sliding door. He gave Elegma a harsh look who was still in a shock of what happened. There was laughter everywhere when suddenly all of this happened. Being a sensitive girl, it was all too much for her.

“If you don’t know how to close the door than you must not sit here”, the driver told her in an insulting tone. Elegma couldn’t say a word. Everybody was silent in the bus looking at the ongoing event of the driver’s panic attack. He was angry from the beginning because of the noise made by the students inside the bus. Now he got the chance to display his aggression.

“Next time don’t sit besides the door”, he added and closed the door hastily which gave a loud sound of shutting door. He came on the driver’s seat and started the bus. As soon as the bus started, the pupil started their chit chat again. As if nothing happened. A few of them hooted when the driver was scolding Elegma, but they seemed to be back in their own business.

Elegma felt something burning inside her. Whether it was the embarrassment caused by the insult in front of everyone, or her lack of confidence to express her feelings, she didn’t know for sure. Heat flooded her cheeks as the bus driver's words replayed in her mind. She was paused in that moment when the driver blamed her for something she didn’t do on purpose. She badly wanted to be disappeared where no one could ever see her like this. Her heart raced and body trembled. Soon her embarrassment evolved into anger. She badly wanted to take revenge of her insult from the driver. Her cheeks turned red as she clenched her jaws. Her emotion was getting out of control when suddenly she saw burning red wings and heard a furious screeching sound of a bird. It was as if a bird flew by with enormous speed. She looked at the window again, to be clear about her sensation. She could feel the heat of the bird’s burning wings.

“ It could not be just a perception”, she thought. She was jolting between belief and disbelief when she saw the bird again. This time she had no doubt about it. It was the enormous red bird from her dreams.

“Angara!”, she said in a low voice that only she could hear. Since childhood she was dreaming about some birds. She used to tell about her dreams to her grandmother who was always affectionate towards her and always interpreted her dreams for her, rather than making her feel that her dreams are not important and they don’t have anything to do with the real world.

Angara was flying with the speed of the mini bus. It was a huge red bird whose wings were burning from the edges, causing pain and aggression. It resembled the Phoenix from ancient Arab mythology, but so much bigger in size. Elegma could feel it’s feelings as if it were her own. She swallowed hard and tried to relax herself. Her angry feelings were mixed with fear now. She could feel that only she is witnessing Angara since everyone else in the bus were busy doing their stuff.

Suddenly she saw Angara was trying to attack the driver, who was totally unconscious of its presence. The window on the driver’s side was pecked and stricken by Angara’s sharp eagle like beak. The window had a crack and driver noticed that in the blink of an eye. He seemed puzzled and alarmed, his grip on the steering was tightened. He didn’t want the vehicle to get out of control. Although he couldn’t see Angara but could hear the banging sound made by its beak on the glass window. A moment ago Elegma really wanted to take revenge from the driver, but now she had totally opposite feelings. Her thought of taking revenge was over ridden by guilt and she wanted Angara to stop instantly. She didn’t want anyone to get hurt from her anger which actually was the trigger of Angara’s appearance.

“Please stop this instant!”, she said in her heart desperately wanted Angara to go away. Suddenly her grandmother’s advice came into her mind.

“My beloved child, always remember that

powerful is not one who knocks other down, indeed powerful is one who controls himself in a fit of anger”,

her grandmother used to tell this saying whenever Elegma was angry or upset.

“ My dear, anger is like a fire, extinguish it with water”,

another of her grandmother’s memory flashed in her brain. She immediately searched for the water bottle she put earlier inside her backpack. After drinking water in two to three breaths, Elegma felt quite relaxed and refreshed. Her facial expressions were normalised and so was her breathing pattern. She saw Angara disappeared into thin air. She thanked God in her heart. It was the first time she saw Angara in physical world. She got scared when she was dreaming about Angara, and now she saw it in reality. She was thinking why Angara came like this, it didn’t happen before, but no one could answer her question except her grandmother, whom she could only meet when she go back home.

“Probably Angara came to protect me”, she thought.

She was thinking similar thoughts when the bus was about to enter the school premises. The school had beautiful infrastructure with big green grounds and flowers of all kind. The students inside the bus were silent now, as they were about to leave the bus. As soon as the bus stopped at the main entrance, the driver jumped out of the bus and opened the sliding door for the students to come out. Elegma and the other students went out of the bus one by one.

“Hey Elegma! Wait for me!”, Leah called out from a distance. Unlike Elegma she was kind of petite and couldn’t compete Elegma’s big steps. Elegma turned and waited for Leah.

“Why are you always in a hurry? Don’t want to talk to your friend?”, Leah asked in a friendly tone after catching her breath.

“That’s not true! I enjoy your company very much Leah”, Elegma replied in her usual smile way.

“Hey what happened in the bus, don’t take it seriously, the driver is always like that, he didn’t want to insult you on purpose”, Leah wanted Elegma to feel better.

“ No, I am fine now, actually it was partially my mistake, I shouldn’t sit besides the door, it could be dangerous not only for other students but also for me”, Elegma replied what she was thinking at that time, then her grandmother’s prayers echoed in her ears,

“(Oh Lord) You give honour to whom you please, and You abase (degrade) whom you please, in Your hands is all good”.

She always advised Elegma with powerful words. Elegma was short tempered since childhood. She could get angry over small things. No one liked her behaviour but her anger was not in her control. She didn’t want to get angry and make her parents and loved ones upset. After her anger went away, she immediately excused the person she was conflicting with.

Whenever she got angry at day time, she dreamed about Angara at night. So many times she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother told her that anger is not always evil. Sometimes we are allowed to get angry, it’s just that we should know when or when not to express it.

“ My dearest grand child, always remember that, being angry for the sake of taking revenge for yourself is not good, however, being angry for the sake of protecting others from harm is permissible.” Her grandmother once said while combing her hair.

“But grandma if I don’t take revenge I remain upset and can’t think of anything else”.Elegma shared her confusion with her.

“My dear, don’t let your anger become your weakness, make it your strength!”. Her grandmother kissed her forehead after soothing her heart with wise words.

“Hey! Are you with me?”, Leah snapped her fingers in front of Elegma’s face to bring her back from her memories.

“Yeah! Totally!”, Elegma gave her a big smile.

Both girls were headed towards the high staircase to enter their school.

“You know the driver was uneasy after he shouted on you, it was as if some unseen creature is haunting him”, Leah giggled while patting Elegma’s shoulder. Something pinched Elegma inside, she could not tell Leah about Angara, she might think of her as schizophrenic*.

“I think we should hurry for class, it’s time already”, Elegma didn’t want to talk about the bus incident anymore. The school hallway was a few steps ahead and Elegma wanted to climb two stairs at a time, but stopped herself from doing so, to let Leah catch up with her.

“Hi, Eric! Long time no see, where were you been?”, suddenly Leah met an old friend who was climbing down the staircase while they were going up.

“Hey Leah! I went abroad due to some family business, but now I am back!”, Eric seemed happy meeting Leah too. He was wearing camel colour shirt on top of blue jeans. He had an athletic build, but didn’t seem to be over muscular. He was tall and had his dark brown hair combed backwards. His light beard gave him a casual look.

Elegma was about to leave Leah with Eric to go attend her class when Leah stopped her to introduce her to Eric.

“Elegma! Meet Eric, one of my best friends!”, Leah said excitedly.

“Hi!”, Elegma greeted him in a hurry, she wanted to go for class, not only because she was getting late but also there was an uneasy feeling that she always encountered when greeting opposite gender.

“Nice to meet you Elegma!,” Eric responded ina deep voice, no doubt he had a stunning personality.

“Charming, isn’t he!”, someone whispered inside Elegma’s ear. She skipped a beat knowing that it wasn’t Leah whispering in her ear. She looked around in astonishment. She certainly saw someone, but all she could perceive was a round shaped peacock wing.

Chapter 1 reviewed and edited by:

Anna Bouchard

Paula Hughes

Bradley Snow

Caroline Kobe

Gratitude to my fellow writers who corrected chapter 1 and gave precious comments for improvement.