#transamory

[transamorousnetwork]

Transgender Women And The Post-Op Dilemma - What To Do About It

This post is not easy to write. I know many transgender women will dislike what’s written here. Even though some of what’s here comes directly from a transgender woman. So, reader, if you’re easily triggered, please skip this story. If you’re not, and you’re post-op and struggling to find a man, this story can help.

A lot of transgender women complain about men expressing their natural attraction to them. Yes, many of those men speak from their initial self-discovery. They’re just finding out about their trans attraction. So, like an adolescent, they communicate in hyper-sexualized ways. They behave like adolescents too.

Further, many of these guys’ interests often focus on pre-op transgender women. Now, that means nothing about a post-op woman’s ability to find a male partner. Plenty of men exist out there who will accept post-op transgender women. But such women must believe they exist. Otherwise, they can’t find the man who will love them. Even though such men exist.

Beliefs create reality

Everyone’s experience springs from one’s inner state. Our subjective worlds spring from and reflect our inner consciousness. Beliefs, conclusions, complaints…whatever word we call it…that inner reality gets reflected in our outer reality.

That’s why we at The Transamorous Network call the inner content of one’s consciousness “stories”. Changing one’s stories will eventually create reality matching the change. So when transgender women tell stories about trans-attracted men fixating on “female bodies with penises”, they create a reality consistent with that. One where they can’t find men who aren’t so-fixated.

Then, the women will double down on their beliefs. Their beliefs get proven “true”. Then they can’t see evidence to the contrary. Like this girl:

^^She’s doubling down on disempowering beliefs creating her reality. No wonder she can’t find any men who aren’t driven by porn to focus on penises.

Beliefs and their respective reality become so true, such women will challenge everyone to “prove them wrong”. But when someone does, they won’t accept it.

And this is where the dilemma of being post-op arises.

They’re not the same

No transgender woman’s happiness need depend on a man. Nor need it depend on any kind of partner. Not even a pet! Happiness also doesn’t require changing one’s body.

But many transgender women do change their bodies in ways that ease dysphoria such women feel. That’s a good thing. It’s great that medical technology exists to help with that. I support women who go “post-op”. But many of these women face the “post-op dilemma” when it comes to finding a male partner.

Usually such women want society to acknowledge them as women. I support their desire. Yet, such women aren’t willing to fully accept consequences which come with that desire. This is the “post-op dilemma”. For in getting what they want, they become, in the eyes of men, an option alongside cis-women. But only for men willing to consider that option.

The dilemma is, most men won’t. They won’t for many reasons, some justifiable, some not. Men who know a trans woman is post op, will always compare the woman to cis-women. Cis-women with naturally-occurring vaginas. In my opinion, a naturally-occurring vagina will always outperform a non-naturally-occurring one. I know this because I’ve experienced sex with a post-op transgender woman. But don’t take my word for it, check out this transgender woman’s perspective:

^^A transgender woman and her male partner both expressing their views on being post-op. They guy, btw, doesn’t fixate on her genitalia. He doesn’t care what’s down there.

I’m not saying trans women shouldn’t go post op. If that’s what y’all want, go for it, girls. But they should check their stories as they do! If they think men won’t want them because they don’t have a penis, they’re setting themselves up for trouble!

Get your head of your crotch!

There are a LOT of reasons why men are trans attracted. Sexual exoticism is an early aspect of trans-attraction. It will always fade though as a man understands his attraction. As they move into transamory, they lose that fixation. So if post-op women really want men, then they must first take their attention off of their crotches!

Here they are, complaining about men focusing on what they have or don’t have down there. Meanwhile, THE WOMEN ARE AS FIXATED ON IT AS THE MEN! In other words, the women are a match to men focusing on their crotch. Is it any wonder those are the only men they meet?

Getting out of the post-op dilemma is easy. It starts with stop paying attention so much to one’s crotch. Instead accentuate positive aspects of what such women bring to the table. Those aspects can overcome the functional disadvantage of one’s non-naturally-occuring vagina. And when post-op women stop focusing on their crotch so much, they’ll become a match to men who similarly aren’t bunged up about what’s between the women’s legs.

Again, transgender women’s focus on their crotches makes them a match to men equally focused there. I understand that may be a big part of their dysphoria. But again, dysphoria is a condition perpetuated by stories. Just like every life condition. 

Do what you must to ease your dysphoria. Just don’t stay bunged up on what you’re doing.

What else you can do

Besides, realize the vast majority of time spent with a partner happens outside the bedroom. Post-op transgender women can do a lot to discover men who’ll want them by focusing on other areas.

Like what?

How about developing one’s intellect, compassion, transparency and vulnerability? They can cultivate interests worth sharing with a partner. How about becoming a brilliant partner! That’s what I encourage clients do. In other words, become a great match to that great man you want! A man who is focused on things he’s interested in. Things having nothing to do with your crotch.

While they’re at it, how about developing a better appreciation of trans-attracted men? That way such women can understand where they’re coming from instead of hating them. Then they can help them overcome their myopic focus, rather than being triggered by it. 

Doing that will make such women better, brilliant partners. After all, transgender woman have issues. There’s no human who doesn’t. Real partners, not fantasies, help their partners become better. Real partnerships are two-way streets in that regard.

Taking these suggestions to heart will cause a post-op transgender women to become a match to the compassionate, transparent, vulnerable trans-attracted men out there; men who will find them attractive. No matter what’s between their legs. 

These men exist! I KNOW because I’ve spoken to many of them! I even know some in relationships with transgender women!

A hyper-focus on the post-op condition makes such men inaccessible though. I say this to post-op transgender women claiming no men want them: Take your head out from between your legs. Make your post-op status a non-issue. Then see what happens.

Need help doing that? I can help.

[floral-ashes]

What better start to the weekend than to read an excerpt from the new book Gender/Fucking: The Pleasures and Politics of Living in a Gendered Body?

Get your copy now!

[beyond-mogai-pride-flags]

Transamorous Pride Flag

Transamory: describing a relationship and/or attraction involving transgender individuals.

It's similar to the bicurious flag, however with trans* flag colors using a purple lowercase tau (Greek letter, τ) in the middle.

[cherrybombtgirl]

I realllly liked my makeup so deal with it lol. #macqueen #nyxcosmetics #morphe350palette #anastasiabeverlyhills #maccosmetics #esteelauderdoublewear #tartecosmetics #tarteletteinbloom #makeupartist #makeuplife #makeupjunkie #makeupforever #makeupismyart #eyesonfire #transamory #transgender #transandhappy #transandproud #girlslikeus #tgirlsdoitbetter #tgirlselfie #effyourbeautystandards

[floral-ashes]

If you haven’t seen this yet, Xtra published an excerpt from my new book Gender/Fucking.

It’s a good first taste in case you want to figure out if it’s to your liking!

[transamorousnetwork]

Most Trans-Attracted Men Don’t Know What They’re Doing. Forgive Them.

If you’ve read posts here before, you get a sense of our perspective. Humans create everything in our experience. Including other people. But nearly all of us are doing that unaware that’s what we’re doing. So we blame the world around us, and other people, for our troubles. All the while not realizing when we do that, we create more trouble for ourselves.

Tremendous amounts of power lie hidden in that very true synopsis of our perspective. 

Trans-attracted men (and transgender women) are no exception to this. Most of us think the world around us some objective thing. It’s separate from us, not springing out of us as a reflection of our inner state. So it’s not a wonder trans-attracted men will react to inner awareness with fear. Their basis for self understanding is external, as it is for most of us. It doesn’t matter that that basis is flawed, which it is. When they notice something about themselves, they will consult the world around them for what’s true.

Transgender women do this too.

Unfortunately, the world around them will tell them they are the problem. Then, trying to fit in, they’ll hide this new awareness, or try changing it. Social ostracism, for the uninitiated trans-attracted guy, is a terrible thing. Familial ostracism is even worse. Ostracism from one’s manliness is an even morefearsome thing. No wonder such men struggle accepting what they are. Just like many transgender women.

It’s meant this way

But the world IS a reflection. And like all reflections, it’s an illusion. The paradox of this world though, is, if you walk onto a freeway, cars zooming toward you will kill you. So we must all contend with the powerful “reality” we put ourselves in that feels so real…when it’s, at the same time, not at all real.

After all, if we knew it wasn’t real coming in, the benefit of life would not be ours, would it? So we hypnotize ourselves into this “kill you” part of the paradox.

Meanwhile, the reflection serves us all. It aids in our becoming better versions of ourselves. “Better versions” look like increasingly pure expressions of divine intelligence. More direct expressions of All That Is, in other words.

“Trans” and “trans attraction” represent this purer, more direct expression. What do you think Divine Intelligence, or All That Is, looks like anyway? A grey-bearded white guy?

NO!

All That Is is “TRANS gender”. It comprises both genders while simultaneously rising above them all. It is more than the sum of its (infinite parts).

And so are we.

^^Physical reality is an illusion…that can kill you. (Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash)

Back to the guys

Trans-attracted men are identical to transgender women when viewed from this perspective. They are on similar paths. You could say they are on different aspects of the same path. No one’s murdering these guys, sure. But again, it’s not the SAME path! It’s a DIFFERENT ASPECT of the same path. We could even call it a COMPLEMENTARY aspect.

In other words, while transgender people need no protectors, trans-attracted men can complement them in off-the-chart ways. But these men first must know what they’re doing with their trans-attraction. Their journey from Chaser to Transamory IS THAT PROCESS.

If transgender women were willing to change their view of such men, they would find powerful allies there. Yes, it takes a profound willingness to change one’s mind in the face of so much evidence to the contrary. And I know most transgender women won’t do stop looking at the contrary evidence long enough to do that. It’s true: self-loathing is a powerful elixir.

But some do. Some like my clients.

Every story can change. Even self loathing ones. A powerful figure with tremendous global influence once said of his tormentors “Forgive them Father. They know not what they do.” There’s great power in forgiveness. That and asking questions.

A simple question can change the course of even the most vile person. And in that way transgender women can become catalysts for trans-attracted men. If they choose to.

So, transgender women, the next time you get a dick pick from some online dating app you’d do better not being on, perhaps instead of getting mad, forgive the sender. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Then, maybe, ask them a question. Like: Why do you think sending me this picture will get you what you think you want?

Then see what happens next.

[transamorousnetwork]

Post-Transamorous: A New Journey Calls Me

As I write this post, I’m thinking back to my past and my own journey on the “Chaser-to-Transamorous” path. It’s been quite a few years. I’ve written nearly 500 posts about trans-attraction and transamory. I’ve shared my journey of self-discovery and acceptance while offering advice, initially for trans-attracted men. But I gradually shifted that focus to trans women.

As I wrote in a recent post, many trans women and trans-attracted men expressed appreciation for what I’ve shared here over the years. As my own self-discovery included a path into deeper, esoteric spirituality, that knowledge found its way into The Transamorous Network content too. This included this blog, our podcast, our YouTube Channel and more. It’s been fun sharing my journey, offering advice to others and receiving positive support from readers.

Of course, I’ve also received messages from haters, mostly bigoted trans women suffering from self loathing, who projected their hate onto me. I appreciate those people too because those people had me focus even more on supporting the community with the material I offered. I knew those women’s comments had much more to say about them than they did my writing, my content or me as a person. And I knew what I offered could actually help them.

Fifteen years…at least

Speaking of me as a person, discovering my transamory alongside my spiritual origins has been an incredible journey. I remember when I first saw a trans woman. It was in the early 80s in Osaka, Japan. My girlfriend at the time thought it would be entertaining to take me to a Yakuza bar where all the “go-go” dancers were trans. Little did she know, or maybe she did know from a spiritual perspective, that introduction sparked a flame in me.

That flame grew into an adventure that, at first, I struggled valiantly to repress. I was in the Marines after all, before the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell mandate. Being queer was a dischargeable offense. Still, my transamory wouldn’t be denied. 

It took more than 15 years, I think, to embrace my queerness and my attraction to trans women. During that time I struggled, but always knew myself as the individual I am today. I knew I would make it through someday. And after making it, I decided to start The Transamorous Network to help others make it. Helping others has been rewarding.

And yet all adventures either come to an end, or they change.

Getting to know myself

My adventure taking the form of The Transamorous Network is about to come to an end. This is the last post. I’ll be focusing on my cisgender audiences going forward. Cisgender people comprise the majority of my clients these days. My experience with them shows them more open to moving along the spiritual path I offer. It feels wonderful seeing them resonate with results they produce through my guidance. So focusing on them is where I want to commit my energies. Doing so feels good and nothing matters more than feeling good.

As I close this chapter of my adventure, I’m reflecting on my own journey, one that began, like many men, with the thought that I was gay. Being on the DL all that time didn’t stop me from exploring. That exploration included having encounters with men. I wanted to find out if I was gay, or was there something else going on with me. At that time “trans-attracted” wasn’t a thing. At least I wasn’t aware of such a term.

So while I still dated cis women, I also explored with men and with trans women when the opportunity presented itself. These days, I’ve had enough experience with pretty much every gender to know what I like, what I’m attracted to and why. I approached this with the same zeal I approached getting to know my spiritual nature. That’s why I know myself as transamorous. Not a chaser. Not a fetishizer.

All things change…

What I find interesting as this chapter closes is my sexual practices have changed. To understand how, I want to tell a story of something that happened while I was still exploring.

Decades ago, I had a long-term affair with a guy named Bill. It lasted almost 20 years. He wasn’t at all good looking, but he had a giant dick I loved to suck and get fucked by. We were really good friends and that’s what the relationship emerged from: our friendship. He was a top and not interested at all in being a bottom. Not that I was encouraging that, I really loved his dick (and came to love him over time, romantically, interestingly enough).

Bill was a sex fiend and couldn’t get enough. I knew this about him and just assumed he was careful. I was shocked one evening though when he told me he had contracted HIV… Years later we reconnected after a rather messy end to our relationship triggered by my fear he put me at risk (I’m HIV-). During this reconnection, Bill shared, to my shock and awe, that he was now a bottom!

I’m sharing this because, recently, I’ve been contemplating my anal play and whether it really offers the sensual stimulation I enjoy so much, or is it instead more of a psychological thing….I’m coming to the point that it is way more the latter than the former. Especially after meeting Yuri and enjoying performing the traditional male role with her.

Post-transamorous and the next adventure

So I’m really close at the moment to declaring myself, no longer interested in being strictly a “bottom”. I find this interesting because I never thought that aspect of me would change. Even though I saw it happen with someone I knew very well.

I feel resolute about this change, in the same way Bill felt about his. It’s interesting contemplating how my life seems to be coming full circle. At least as far as my sexuality is concerned.

And perhaps this is the case with many men who find themselves attracted to trans women. Perhaps, at the end of the day, what we trans-attracted men are looking for is self understanding. And we discover that, as many people do: through the mirror inherent in all relationships.

I’ve had many relationships and have used them to chart my own journey to self-discovery, as, I’m sure, my partners did too. Along the way I’ve met some stellar people, both trans-attracted and transgender. This has been a great journey.

And the journey continues. But it no longer will focus on my wanting to convince the trans community that they are empowered, powerful, creative beings creating their reality as they move through life, and thus can enjoy a life where all they want is theirs. They are that, as is everyone else. Yet, it’s time for me to take the next step in my journey. That requires no longer trying to convince people who are not ready to hear this uplifting message.

So with that, I bid the trans community adieu. The next chapter of my adventure awaits. A chapter where I move beyond identifying as transamorous. I just am.

PS –

If you’re still interested in hearing from me, subscribe to my other blog Positively Focused, on WordPress, Medium, Tumblr and my Facebook Page by the same name. Across all these platforms, Positively Focus enjoys more that 15,000 followers.

The Transamorous Network will likely cease to exist within the next few months.

PPS -

One of the first transgender clients I served, has followed this blog pretty much from the beginning. Her response to this post is the perfect capstone. It's an example, I know, of how many trans women have benefited from my writings. And so, I leave with her well-wishes:

[transamorousnetwork]

When Life Results Show Me How Fun It Is Being Transamorous

The Universe enjoys a sense of humor. It’s one reason why mirth feels so good. In mirth, we’re aligned with All That Is. 

Life is a component of All That Is. Life too, enjoys a sense of humor. Just look at all those Instagram videos featuring animals in their natural habitat being playful. Life likes fun.

The same holds for humans. That is, unless humans block their connection to all of life’s fun. They do that by adopting pessimistic attitudes on a variety of subjects.

Trans people and trans-attracted people do this a lot. The subjects they tend to do it on the most are each other: trans women bash the men who naturally find them attractive. Trans-attracted men bash the women they want most to be with. 

The result is, the fun of dating becomes a chore. It becomes torture. Each side becomes bitter. And their dream of love eludes them. I help such people rediscover the fun in love and in life. It’s not easy piercing their persistent pessimistic habits. But eventually they give way.

Then the clients find what I have found. They find what they’ve been missing. Then they get what they want. That’s fun watching. 

More clients equals more abundance

But life offers even more fun than that. And when we tap in to that, our lives become more fun too. I am enjoying a lot of fun in my life. I write about them in this blog often. They include seemingly “random” or “coincidental” rendezvous with trans women. But hose incidences aren’t random. Nor are they coincidental. They happen because I don’t resist my transamory. So the Universe matches me with these lovely moments that surprise and delight me.

So when life served me once again with yet another wonderful, humorous manifestation, I felt the humor, the surprise and the delight in that too. The “coincidence” of what happened was so perfect, I couldn’t help but enjoy the unfolding.

What happened wasn’t about meeting another trans woman. It was about how I manifested yet another client on the Positively Focused side of my client practice. In fact, more and more clients are showing up. That’s consistent with what I’ve written about over and over: the Universe showers us with abundance. Abundance of all kinds. All we need to do is line up with that. Then, it’s ours.

The best abundance though is that aligned with what we’re wanting to see. When that happens, we feel delight. Then we get even more of what we’re wanting. And that “more” comes in greater abundance. Which explains why more clients are showing up.

Now let’s take a look at that lovely “coincidence”.

A playful “coincidence”

One weekend recently, while working on a blog post, a funny thing happened. I was writing a paragraph explaining the story of Pollyanna. That’s when I got an email notification. My calendaring app notified me a new client scheduled a free Positively Focused 1:1.

I clicked over to the email and, what do you know! The new client’s name was…wait for it…Pollyanna!

What’s interesting about this person is how much of a natural she is to the practice. Like everyone, life caused her to conclude in ways unhelpful for living a Charmed Life. But the fact that she’s found her way to this practice was no coincidence. She’s taking to it quite quickly, which is something I like seeing in clients.

This client’s rapid resonance with the practice foretells promise. A promise that results people like this client will produce will create ripples of goodness through their lives and the world at large.

It’s no surprise then that one client’s “ripples” include her daughter, and now her son, both becoming clients. Another client’s best friend recently became a client. So did her husband! This practice must really work!

Finding something different

The fact that Pollyanna came to me perfectly timed as I wrote that paragraph doesn’t escape me. Seriously, how many “Pollyannas” are out there? I see this as a spectacular indication of my own alignment. That and all the other wonderful things happening in my life. Including the lovely incidents of meeting trans women.

I love it when life reveals to me things proving how fun and easy life is. Life can be this way for everyone, including trans and trans-attracted people. In fact, it IS this way for everyone. If we’re not experiencing that, it’s only because we’ve overlaid bogus beliefs on what’s really happening.

It’s not that those bogus beliefs aren’t “true”. All beliefs, believed long enough will produce realities consistent with them, thus proving “true”. But the question is: is that truth something you want? I say, create better “truths”. How? By telling better stories that eventually become better beliefs.

Our Charmed Life is continually unfolding. I love seeing my clients discovering this, then aligning their life experience to that. Maybe you’re ready to do the same?

[transamorousnetwork]

What Happens When My Advice Inspires A Man To Write A Book!

I enjoyed an hour-long conversation with a guy this morning. He’s writing a book about his trans-attraction-to-transamory journey. His is a wonderful story of leaving his marriage in favor of living authentically. Living authentically meant enjoying a nice relationship with a trans woman. A relationship he’s currently in.

He said the main reason he began his journey was because of my post “How to embrace your trans-attraction and be married”. I feel appreciation that one of my passions is changing the lives of trans-attracted men (and, by extension, trans women) for the better.

As a result of sharing my passion, this guy now feels his passion too. His passion and appreciation for trans women he feels no shame about. Because of that, this guy, Brian, is now writing a book about his experience. A book I’m sure will help make the world a better place for trans women. I feel honored I played a part in that.

Men are doing their part

I always knew living my passion would change the world. I’m excited about Brian’s choice. He’s going to change the world too.

Many trans women complain that if men would step up, the world for trans women would improve. They talk about all the men on the DL. Men living in the shadows, shamefully hiding their trans-attraction. Meanwhile, I’ve been out for at least five years proudly, publicly sharing my transamory experience. Another man wrote a book about this trans attraction some time ago. Many men are out on social media proclaiming aloud their attraction. And now, here’s another man doing his part by writing yet another book.

In other words, the men are doing their part.

^^The initial exchange between Brian and I.

Not enough men, you say? There are enough though. Not all of them are writing books. Not all of them are writing blogs or sharing on social media. Some are just dating trans women. Many are doing their parts by becoming comfortable in their own skin. That’s the process. In everyone contributes in their own way.

However, if trans women keep complaining about their complaints, they can’t see the world getting better. They can’t see the men doing their part either. And yet the men are.

Get over the anger and pessimism

And that’s the rub. Life is nothing but a series of moments. And each moment adds to the next. Which is why, if you’re complaining about something, your in-the-now complaint adds to the next moment, creating an experience of more to complain about. Especially in love.

I suggest trans women focus on all the things going right in the world. I talk about them all day long in this blog. Trans-attracted men should do the same. Do that and both parties will find themselves meeting positive, high-quality potential mates. People who see the world getting better. People eager to enjoy life with someone who is positive.

Which is why I work with people. People experience a lot of things in life encouraging pessimism. That’s because pessimism sells. A lot of people make a lot of money keeping you angry, in other words. Meanwhile, a lot of other angry people are looking for people like you. And so you meet such people in your life.

Give up negative judgement. Give up being angry too. When you do, you’ll find yourself getting more of what you want. And less of what you don’t. While you’re learning to do that, I can help.

[transamorousnetwork]

Why Trans People Are Better Off With SELF-Validation

The external world offers unlimited opportunity to bless transgender and trans-attracted people. It also offers unlimited opportunity to put us in bondage. Which we experience depends on what we think. What we think about ourselves. And what we think about the world around us.

For many transgender and trans-attracted people, the latter is more important than the former. We think what the world around us thinks about us is more important than what we think about us. This is a trap. It’s a gateway to hell in a sense. That’s because putting others’ opinions on a pedestal binds our experience of ourselves to what they think.

Freedom comes from giving that up. If we get validation from our own opinions of ourselves, we come into tremendous power. For in choosing to believe in our own value, we can create worlds that otherwise are unavailable to us.

A perfect example of this came into my awareness this past week. Let’s take a look at what happened.

An excellent opportunity….maybe?

I’m going to write about this experience in more detail in a future post. But what came to mind in the experience is so valuable, I wanted to share this part of the experience right away.

A trans woman who works in the television industry reached out last week about a program she’s considering putting together. Like some transgender women, this person realizes a key component to greater acceptance of trans people lies in trans-attracted men being more out about their attraction. So she wants to put together a show about that. The show will follow trans-attracted men through their dating experiences.

The point of this story is the narrative shared. I don’t even know if she’s conscious of the highly limiting perspective her narrative forces her into. Nor do I think she’s aware of how her narrative — which will inevitably find its way into the show — limits what’s available to trans people.

When she contacted me, she had a lot of great things to say about trans-attracted men. Again, she recognized their importance. She also acknowledged how society largely ignores their experience. Furthermore she knows these men staying in the shadows doesn’t help. It doesn’t help them, it doesn’t help trans women, nor does it help humanity progress. Thus her desire to do the show.

But in thinking about casting men, she specifically described these potential cast members as “straight, trans-attracted men.”

^^Are “straight” men the key to greater trans acceptance? We’re not so sure. (Photo by Ashley Jurius on Unsplash)

Narratives aren’t often overt

Several times in our conversation she used this phrase. “Straight trans-attracted men,” she said, emphasizing the word “straight”. At the time I didn’t question this. It interested me more to help her project. I wanted to connect her with quality men from my network.

So I did that. Of the five men I contacted, four reached out to her. But after that success, I thought about her focus on “straight” trans-attracted men. I thought about it because the idea of the men needing to be “straight” belied a powerful story active in our conversation.

Interestingly, after talking to one of the men I recommended, that man came to me asking my advice. I knew what he wanted to talk about. Can you guess? That’s right! He was concerned about this trans woman’s narrative!

I wasn’t surprised by his perception. He’s not straight. Indeed, he’s about as queer as it gets. But he loves trans women. Not only trans women though. He’s finding himself, like me, embracing something more along the lines of post-transamory, which is something I’ll write about later.

The point is, both of us picked up on this person’s focus. When he contacted her about this, she said her show was indeed open to all kinds of men. I told my client that, in most cases, people aren’t aware of what narratives are shaping their reality. Still, we both agreed this show was important and needed support. So he agreed to go forward with it. I thought that was a good idea.

What “I’m straight” tells us

Here’s the thing: It’s my speculation that trans women wanting to date only “straight” men, is the flip side of another dynamic happening within the minds of trans-attracted men. I see this happening with some of the trans women I’ve worked with too.

Often, you will see on dating sites, men expressing their interest in trans women. But they’ll be sure to mention how “straight” they are. Often, the reason men do this is due to their internalized homophobia. It also reflects their stories about transgender women. They must emphasize their straight-ness because they believe being trans-attracted must mean they’re gay, which by extension means (to them) that trans women are something other than women.

Notice you’ll never hear a [presumably straight] man emphasize his straightness to cis women. I don’t know if that’s ever happened. Except perhaps when a woman questions the man’s heterosexuality. And in that case, a whole different thing is happening.

The fact that men feel they must assert their straightness is the same dynamic happening in trans women who demand only straight men show them interest. Let’s explore this further.

^^Something hidden’s happening in men asserting their straightness. (Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash)

It’s not in our best interest 

Generally, trans women wanting only “straight” men are looking for a guy who is, presumably, heterosexual. Getting such a guy would confirm for her that she’s a woman. In other words, she’s wanting a man to validate her. And the more straight that man is, the more validation she gets. You could say she’s using the man. Using him for something that she could get from herself. Something she would be better off getting from herself.

If she KNEW herself to be a woman, she wouldn’t express a desire for a straight man. Just as pretty much all cis-women don’t bother expressing the need that her potential partner be straight. It’s just assumed because they see themselves as women. There’s no internal conflict.

Some trans women enjoy this internal integrity cis women enjoy. These trans women see themselves as not only whole, but a prize for ANY man lucky enough to be with them. But some other trans women don’t see themselves this way. To soothe what they think is missing, these women seek validation in the eyes of others. That sets such women up for a lot of problems. 

That’s because the universe is organized not to give us what we want, but what we focus on. And the biggest thing that dynamic is designed to do is have us develop deeper levels of self-love, self-appreciation and worthiness.

When any person relies on another to validate themselves, they’re going to attract experiences showing them why that’s not in their best interest.

Lack of self-love and appreciation and worthiness invites people into our lives matching all that. Which means, we’re going meet people who equally are not self-validating themselves. Which explains why many trans women struggle meeting secure men. It’s because they, the trans women, are equally insecure.

What’s really happening

In the human dating dynamic, all kinds of people meet all kinds of people. It’s quite often that a bi-sexual man, for example, will end up with a “straight” woman. Vice versa too! I know a woman who married her high school sweetheart. They married right out of high school. Twenty something years later, she came out as gay, divorced her sweetheart and hooked up with a female. She’s been with that woman ever since.

^^People hook up often before each person understands themselves. (Photo by Oziel Gomez on Unsplash)

The fact is, all kinds of men will find themselves attracted to trans women. That’s because many trans women are attractive! A bi man might find a trans woman attractive enough to want to have her as his partner. A non binary person might as well. Labels people give to themselves and one another don’t matter, really. A preferable option: give up on trying to label our partners. We’ll enjoy greater freedom.

But if a person depends on their partner for validation, such as some trans women do, then they’re setting themselves up for trouble. In a lot of cases, men asserting their “straight-ness” don’t make good partners. They’re insecure. Some struggle with “toxic” masculinity. They’re also often still trying to figure themselves. And they will sometimes end up leaving a partner they once chose. Because that person was someone they chose out of themselves being unclear about who and what they are.

So while this television industry worker is doing something great for the trans community, inherent in her effort will be the trope that the only valid men for trans women are “straight ones”.

Holding out hope

So audiences, particularly men, will once again get mixed messages. Those struggling to see themselves as straight, even though they may not be, will think this show is saying “you’re wrong because straight men don’t suck dick.” Or “straight men don’t take it up the ass.”

Both of these are bullshit tropes. There are plenty of men who take it up the ass who are heterosexual. And, there are plenty of men who like sucking dick who aren’t attracted to men. I should know, I’ve spoken with MANY OF THEM.

Nothing is perfect because everything is seeking greater perfection. I think this show is going to break ground. It will open new avenues of understanding among people. It may even bring trans women and trans-attracted men closer. And yet, I’m slightly disappointed that the creator of this awesome idea holds to a distorted idea about the men she hopes to liberate.

I could be wrong. I hope I am. Let’s hope, should the show get the green light, that it helps more men – and trans women – than it hinders.

[transamorousnetwork]

Are Latin-American Women More Open To Trans-Attraction?

In light of two calls I’ve received recently, I’m beginning to wonder what’s happening in South America. Could it be that Latin cis-women are more open in their sexuality than the rest of the world?

Or, is the experience I’ve just had indicative of a trend emerging world wide? 

Over the years, several cis-women sent me messages about what I share. Apparently, some wives of trans-attracted men have no other source of advice. So they end up at The Transamorous Network website. I suppose that’s not a surprise. People have told me The Transamorous Network dominates search rankings for “transamory” and “transamorous”. 

But wives of trans-attracted men must know that term in order to search for it. Am I right? Or can they use other search terms and end up at The Transamorous Network? I don’t really know. 

Whatever the case, over the last few years, I’ve been on the receiving end of several wives’ ire. They’ve complained bitterly about discovering their husbands’ trans-attraction. Some found their men engaged in conversations with escorts, or having sex with them. Or they’ve found transgender porn on their men’s computer history.

Nearly all these women expressed outrage at their husbands’ behavior. And all of them live in North America.

Recently, however, I got two calls indicating perhaps a change in all that.

Love overcomes all?

Both these women called me from South America. One from Brazil, the other, who I spoke with just this morning, from Colombia. The Brazilian has a trans-attracted long-term boyfriend. The woman from Colombia married her spouse more than a decade ago. Both women were not upset about their husband’s trans attraction. In fact, both knew about it not long after meeting their partners.

But in both cases, the men’s trans attraction began significantly affecting the relationship. So much so both women reached out for advice. Both women expressed wanting to remain with their partners. And both want to help their partners so they can remain in the relationship. I think that’s remarkable.

Is it ironic both women are from latin cultures? I thought these cultures, both sharing hefty doses of Catholicism, would frown on trans attraction, comparing it to homosexuality. And yet, both these women proved me wrong. Both were open and quite supportive of their men’s sexual interest.

Meanwhile, as I wrote above, every woman who expressed ire over their men’s behavior called or wrote from the United States. Might this indicate something? I don’t know. Samples sizes are far too small to tell.

But when talking with these two South American women, I could feel their openness to my explanation of their men’s issues. They both recognized the spiritual origins of their men’s trans attraction. They also had compassion for the shame and guilt their men felt. So much so, it surprised me.

It also surprised me that I got no push back when I told them the best way to support their men and their partnerships was to focus on the positive aspects of their men. Neither woman contested the idea that they create their reality through what they think and say. I thought that remarkable too.

Is the world changing?

I don’t know if the world is changing in this way. But it is great to talk with cis-women who aren’t threatened sexually or otherwise by their men’s trans attraction. I can tell both feel their men’s trans attraction will enhance their relationships. These women’s level of commitment to their relationships and their partners was, to me, extraordinary.

Perhaps trans attraction is entering a stage similar to being transgender: where the men (and women) who find trans people irresistible will find acceptance. That acceptance may currently be in small pockets around the world. But hey, that’s a toe-hold. It may be the beginning of a larger development.

And it just might be that I have created around me a bubble of people progressive enough, spiritual enough to recognize trans attraction as a blessed thing. Something as worthy as any other expression of love.

I’m ok with that.

I love talking with and encouraging people who already are open to new ways of being. It warms my heart knowing such cis-women exist. Just as I know trans women exist who are as accepting of trans-attracted men as they are accepting of themselves.

[transamorousnetwork]

HELP! My Husband Is Trans-Attracted. What do I do?

Over time, women have written me after finding out their husbands/partners are trans-attracted. Recently, two such people sought my advice. Those conversations were enlightening. What can they do about their men’s trans attraction, they asked. Interestingly, both wanted to stay with their men.

Remaining with their partners is new. At least in my experience. Past women writing me expressed outrage. Or they felt shame and revulsion. Or they felt betrayed at discovering their men find transgender women attractive. 

Presumably, some readers are reading this because they’re in similar situations. I’m writing this post for those of you. The world doesn’t offer many resources for you. Just as it doesn’t offer many resources for your man. So you’re likely to make mistakes. Mistakes that could cost your marriage. Mistakes including believing that your relationship is over.

It doesn’t have to be.

Read on to discover a fresh, empowering perspective. A perspective about you, your relationship and the man you either are, or once were, in love with. In other words, there is hope. Hope for you, for your man and for your relationship.

I know what I’m talking about

Just for background: I’m a transamorous guy. “Transamorous” is a relatively new term. It means someone who is attracted to transgender women. “Trans-attraction” is another word for it. But the two aren’t the same.

Transamorous is a higher order, more mature version of trans-attraction. You can read more about the two in this post.

I have had my own experience with moving through trans-attraction to transamory. Part of that journey involved being married. My process happened over many years. Since then, I created this site to help men like me. As I wrote above, such men don’t have many resources they can turn to.

Given my experience, I’d say I’m an expert on this situation. Not only because I share the attraction your husband does. But also because I work with men like your husband.

I also work with trans women. So I have an understanding of both sides of the relationship dynamic which brings these two groups together. It’s a very strong dynamic that needs some explanation. The dynamic involves you too. Not in the way you probably think it does though.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Suffice it to say, I know what I’m talking about. And I offer what I know to soothe concerns you’re feeling. It’s going to be ok. Don’t panic.

^^Knee-jerk reactions born of panic aren’t in your best interest. (Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash)

None of this is a judgement on you

This section is important. Some women discovering their man is trans-attracted make the mistake of blaming themselves. You must not do this. Nothing has gone wrong although it may feel that way. You're not a bad partner. This has nothing to do with your sexuality, or your ability to please your man.

There's nothing you could have done to prevent this. What's happening is the natural unfolding of your relationship. Because it's natural, it was unavoidable. In some way, at some time, this was going to happen. So rather than thoughts like "my relationship was a sham all along", or "My self-esteem is shattered", it's better to consider that everything about your relationship is working. It's just that some things are happening you just don't understand yet.

Society conditions us to put other people's opinions of us ahead of our own. That shows up in thoughts like "what are people going to think of me?" or "I'm going to be the laughing stock of my church". People's tendency to put other people's opinions of them ahead of their own is a major impediment to happiness generally.

But it really is detrimental in this situation. Mainly because what's happening is a special event. An event those around you are likely to not understand at all. More importantly, considering others' opinions at this time will disempower your ability to reap the wonderful opportunities that exist in this situation. For you, for your partner and for the world generally. This especially includes opinions of your family and your friends.

So you must do your best to refrain from thinking about what others might or are thinking about what you're experiencing. Their opinions do not matter.

You came into this situation on purpose. You came with everything you need to benefit tremendously from it. No one who matters is negatively judging you. You might be though. If you are, that's not helpful.

Your emotions might be acting against you

Whether you’ve just found out or consciously knew all along, what you’re experiencing in your relationship is a special situation. It’s human evolution happening right before your eyes. As such, this is not a sexual, or romantic situation. It may seem that way. But that’s the wrong context to look at what you and your husband are going through. If you look at it from there, you’re sure to feel betrayal and other similar emotions.

Meanwhile, this is a much bigger, much more important experience for both of you. It CAN be a deepening of your relationship, not a destroyer of it. But how YOU frame it will determine which it will be. So not panicking is in your best interest. In fact, the more logical you can be about this situation, for now, the better.

We’ll reintroduce emotional reactions in a bit.

For now, it’s important that you not engage with or invest in your emotional reaction. That’s because you’re likely to create unfavorable outcomes. Particularly if you’re feeling negative emotions about what’s happening. So any negative emotional reactions are acting against you.

I’m presuming you love your man. Or loved him up to discovering what he’s been doing. I argue that you still love him. You may not feel that love right now. Maybe you do. If you do, that’s a great start. 

If you don’t, I ask you just be patient a bit. I promise the love you have for him will return. It may return by the time you finish reading this.

What’s happening with your man

As I wrote above, your man is undergoing a process. It is a divine, spiritual process of human evolution. It’s not about sex or romance, although it sure looks like that. And, your man probably doesn’t understand what’s happening to him either. I mean, sure, he feels arousal. He can see his behavior. But he may not be very clear about why what’s happening is actually happening.

As such, he’s likely questioning a lot of things. Particularly, he’s questioning his own sexuality and sense of self. Meanwhile, many other thoughts are going on in his head. Some of those thoughts are about you. They’re about his love for you. They likely are scary thoughts. Thoughts about what might happen if you find out. Thoughts that you will judge him harshly when you find out.

And, while he’s thinking all this stuff, he’s feeling shame, embarrassment, self-loathing and more. Which all explains why he’s doing what he’s been doing in secret. He just can’t bear to talk with you about it. Hell, he can barely acknowledge it to himself!

He also has nowhere to turn. The internet doesn’t help (save for my content and a smattering of other scant sources). But it can provide relief and space to explore. Relief in the form of porn, which allows exploration. But maybe your man has moved beyond that. He might be seeing a trans woman on the side. He may be seeing and paying for escorts or prostitutes who happen to be trans.

All these acts are part of this glorious process of human evolution. He doesn’t feel it that way. And, likely, neither do you. Nevertheless, that’s what it is. Let’s take a dispassionate look at that process.

It’s evolution baby!

We humans are way more than our bodies. No matter what your religion says or what your beliefs are, we are eternal beings enjoying a human experience. That experience has definite purposes. One of those is something I call “expansion”.

I’m not going to go into great detail here. The point is, your husband before he became a human, embarked on his human journey knowing full well he would experience what he’s experiencing: this thing called trans attraction. He knew it would cause his expansion. And here’s the kicker: he also knew it would create expansion for humanity, the world and the Universe at large.

Another kicker: the fact that you’re involved with him can only mean one thing: you were in this from the beginning. In other words, you also agreed to have this journey, this evolutionary adventure. That’s how you saw it before you became a human: an adventure.

Maybe you don’t see it that way now. But you can. Believe it or not, this experience will enrich your relationship. But you must make the decision that triggers that enrichment. No one else can do it. Including your man.

This evolution is causing humanity to see itself in new ways. It’s not new from our divine, eternal perspective. But as humans, it is new. The newness feels like “never been before”, and “pushing the boundries of self-expression”. It feels like “breaking down limiting beliefs and prejudices”. It feels like “letting go of what we’ve been told.”

So this process is divinely inspired to move humanity forward. And you, dear reader, are an active participant. I want you to see yourself as a supportive, willing active participant.

^^What your man is going through represents a divinely-inspired process of human evolution. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

The transgender experience

“Transgender” is the flip-side of your husband’s experience. Trans people and your husband are working together at a divine level. Transgender women, your man and men like him agreed to all of this. They knew the world would be better off as a result.

Being trans is a leading edge expression of humanity. Maybe you’ve noticed how much in the news the experience is. It’s literally transforming every aspect of civilization. From bathrooms to boardrooms, from the pews to politics, transgender people are fulfilling their roles. Many of them don’t understand what they’re doing from the perspective I’m writing. That doesn’t invalidate what you’re reading though. Like your man, these people don’t remember a time before their human birth. But that time heavily influences everything happening here.

Which is why nearly every transgender person feels being trans was something that happened tothem, rather than something they chose.

Glory inherent in this experience already is being seen in many trans people’s lives. Success, wealth, recognition and increased freedoms are becoming an increasingly common experience for these people.

But the one area where they still struggle – particularly trans women – is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance and, as an extension, finding love. This is where your man comes in.

He’s a reflector

Your man’s role in these women’s lives is to reflect acceptance, love and appreciation back to the women. It’s a journey. It’s a process. One that works both on the women and your man. For your man is likely not accepting who he is as a trans-attracted person. Which is why he’s hiding it. He’s also afraid of what friends, family and society at large will think of him. Just as he’s afraid of what you might think of him.

This fear is similar to fears trans women have about themselves. In that way, the two groups – trans women and trans-attracted men – are perfect mirrors of one another. And the divine gift is, the two groups coming together and, in that process, both finding “healing” (that’s not a word I use often but it’s the best I can think of as I write this).

Now, your man is also reflecting for you. Presumably you two met and developed a love for one another. Real love is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions, love remains at the forefront. Any other kind of love is not love. So if you’re feeling anything other than love for you man, even in the awareness of his trans-attraction, then you do not love him. 

This is important to understand.

Your man, therefore, is helping YOUR expansion too. Expansion into what? Into unconditional love. Which is, by the way, your natural state. You ARE love. That’s why it feels so good to love and be loved. Both experiences faithfully reflect back to you what you are. Make sense?

The power of your thoughts is real

Think about the following statements:

I once loved (name of your man)

Maybe I still love (name of your man)

I am in a relationship with (name of your man) because I love(d) (name of your man)

I don’t want (name of your man) to suffer

He’s hiding this from me because he’s scared

Maybe he’s hiding this from me because he’s also embarrassed

(name of your man) might not understand what he’s feeling

He probably believes he must be “the man” for me

And this experience is probably challenging that for him

He doesn’t have to be “the man” for ME

But he might think he has to

So (name of your man) is struggling with this as much as I am

I hope he’s not suffering

Maybe he thinks he’s gay

Maybe I think this means he’s gay (my note: he’s not)

I want him to be happy

I don’t want him to be embarrassed or scared

There’s compassion in me for (name of your man)

I do love (name of your man)

I want us both to be happy

These are productive thoughts about this situation. Maybe you’re feeling even a smidgen of compassion, more understanding or love for your man after reading them. Or maybe just a bit of relief from your negative judgements. If you are, then you’ve experienced the power of your thoughts.

The way out of this situation is using that power. You’re using it now. But if you’re feeling negative or judgy about it, then you’re using it to your detriment. And the detriment of your relationship.

But if you use it deliberately you can completely and totally transform this experience. Not just for you, but for your man too. And for your relationship. Let’s look at what I’m talking about.

Your thoughts create everything

I’m not going to go into great detail here. That’s the purpose of my client work. But your thoughts and beliefs are the source of your entire earthly experience. And the more you deliberately think and believe, the better your life will get.

That includes people you interact with. The more you deliberately think and believe about people in your life, the better those people will become for you. That’s how powerful you are. My clients are proving this to themselves every week. I’m experiencing it in my life too, which is why I can teach people how to do this.

Inherent in you is the ability to create any version of any experience that is consistent with your desire. You can’t change other people’s desires. You can’t, for example, create a version of your husband who is not trans-attracted. Doing so would violate free will, which is a basic tenet of All That Is. 

But you can create a more joyful version of your relationship/marriage. You can make it more consistent with what you are: unconditional love. And in doing so, you can transform who you are. When you do that, the world, including your relationship and your man, will reflect that back to you.

But to use this power, you must give up blaming. You must give up blaming others for your experience. That includes giving up making your man wrong for his trans-attraction or anything he’s done.

Here’s the thing: You knew he was trans-attracted when you first met him and didn’t read the clues. Nothing happens without you knowing on some level. That’s because you are the creator of your reality. No one else is creating it.

^^You create your entire experience. Including your relationship. (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)

Recreating your relationship

So going forward, you have an awesome option regarding this situation: You can start deliberately thinking and believing about it. Do that and the situation will change in your favor!

Changing it has nothing to do about changing your partner. It has everything to do with YOU changing. You must become a more positive thinker/believer. You must begin reframing everything in your experience as positive. Including what your husband is doing. Do that and you’ll find your relationship seemingly miraculously changing.

So you may think the problem is what your man is doing. That’s not the problem. The problem is what you’re thinking about what your man is doing. That’s where your suffering is coming from. It’s coming from how you’re thinking and believing.

Rectifying your thoughts and beliefs isn’t easy. Mostly because many beliefs lurk beneath one’s conscious awareness. This explains why having someone like me around is helpful. I can spot unconscious beliefs in another better than they can themselves.

A therapist will not be as effective. That’s because they’re going to include your man in their solution. The problem though isn’t your man. It’s not his behavior. It’s what you’re thinking about both those subjects. Many other subjects too!

If you felt some relief reading those statements above, you’ve already had direct experience with the effectiveness of the approach I’m outlining here.

It’s powerful for a reason

This approach is extremely effective. That’s because it relies on basic building blocks of All That Is. Building blocks you constantly use to create your experience. You just don’t know that’s what you’re doing.

Do it deliberately and you will literally transform your relationship/marriage. And your husband. And yourself. The change doesn’t happen overnight. But initial signs are immediate.

The opposite is true too. If you’re worried, concerned, angry, feeling betrayed or similar emotions, you’re using this approach to create a future you’re not wanting. That’s why I wrote at the beginning that panicking is not in your best interest.

So find ways to relax. Look for things in your relationship that please you. Focus on those. Talk yourself into appreciation of your man and what you have with him. Then, maybe, you’ll feel better. Then you’ll be inspired to open a dialogue with him instead of starting a fight. Maybe you’ll be inspired to tell him you love him. That you want him to be happy no matter what. But that you’d like to remain with him and walk this path together.

If you can get there, then you have a chance. Anything that has you relax and find peace with yourself works in your best interest.

This is not a comprehensive explanation. It’s meant to offer advice that will work. But you must act on it. What I’ve written here isn’t enough to make the process work for you. There’s just not enough room to explain a process that requires hundreds of hours to master.

But mastering it gives you the keys to your kingdom. With it, you can create anything you want. Including a relationship full of unconditional love, rewarding experiences and a deepening peace and happiness.

It can save your relationship/marriage too!

Want to now more? Contact me. Let’s talk. 

[transamorousnetwork]

I Love Men Who Are Happy Bottoms

More trans-attracted men are coming out loving being bottoms. That’s a really great thing. Self-acceptance is everything. But it’s even greater when those men find their sexual-preference matches in transgender women. 

Trans-attraction and transamory is normal, wholesome and good. It doesn’t matter that some transgender women don’t like the idea of a man “bottoming”. There are plenty of transgender women out there, guys, who will take pleasure in giving you pleasure through your ass.

Those men who know what I’m talking about don’t struggle finding their match. They’re out and proud about their desire. They accept it. And they accept themselves. So they end up with matches who accept them too. Which is something we say all day long at the The Transamorous Network. Accept yourself and you’ll more easily find your match. 

This applies to both trans-attracted men AND transgender women.

Other people’s opinion: irrelevant

Lack of self-acceptance among transgender women AND trans-attracted men is rampant. For transgender women, lack of self acceptance can be really subtle. So subtle, the women won’t realize it. Much of a transgender women’s rejection of trans-attracted men stems from self rejection.

Meanwhile, many trans-attracted men do the same. Which is why such men meet trans women who strongly reject them. Strongly rejecting trans-attracted men is a glaring indication that the woman rejects herself. And meeting such a woman tells you, men, that you have self-acceptance issues too.

Self acceptance escapes us the minute we care about what others think about us. It’s hard not caring when “others” include parents. Or close friends. Particularly those we believe will disown us. Still, cultivating an “I don’t care” attitude about others’ opinions is crucial to building self acceptance. That and telling stories about ourselves which foster self acceptance. This is something I show my clients how to do. 

Is it any wonder they find immediate and long-lasting relief from feeling shitty about themselves? But they also find more than that. As they focus on learning to accept themselves, their dating results improve too. So they become even happier.

And as their happiness increases, they gradually find they’re all right. It’s a virtuous spiral. They feel good about themselves. Then the better they feel, the more accepting they become. The more accepting they get, the easier they find love. Then, before they know it, they find their perfect match. And along the way, they enjoy the process.

Meeting happy bottoms

I love it when from time-to-time I’ll get a comment from a guy proclaiming how much he enjoys bottoming. He’ll also rave about his partner, a trans woman who fully accepts him. Take this comment, for example:

You can see though that he still considers other people’s opinion. That’s what causes his “demoralized” feelings. But the fact that he’s got a loving trans woman who treats him like a king tells me something important about him. He tells more stories about accepting self more than he has stories about what other people think. I know this because he’s in a loving relationship.

The same can happen for any man or transgender woman out there looking for love and not finding it. All it takes is being willing. Being willing to examine one’s stories and do something about it. In time, the world around us MUST match our improved stories. 

We can do this ourselves. But sometimes it’s nice to have guidance. Digging around in our stories can be tough. It’s hard to know sometimes what stories we’re telling. In such cases, someone like me helps a lot.

Not happy with who you are? Not finding the love you know you deserve? Perhaps I can help. Contact me. My results are guaranteed!

[transamorousnetwork]

What I Really Think About Transgender Women

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I asked a question in reply to one of your articles a few weeks ago. You never answered. I’ll try again.

When you say you’re attracted to trans women, what exactly do you mean? Are you attracted to all trans women, equally those who have underwent full GRS, those who have only used hormones, and those who have underwent no medical transition at all (and all other various stages and forms of medical and non-medical social transition)?

Also, are you attracted to them as women, or specifically as trans women?

I think a lot of trans people, myself at least anyway, would want a partner who desires them as their gender – not specifically because of their trans status. And obviously, for them as a person, not just a object of sexual desire due to their trans identity. One explanation I saw you give essentially amounted to saying that trans is a third gender, which to many trans people, again certainly myself, would seem transphobic. A trans woman is a woman, not a third gender. A trans man is a man, not a third gender. Your answer I saw about transamoury seemed to be at odds with respecting a trans person’s gender identity.

Thanks for the reply,

Curious

Hey Curious,

So sorry about missing your questions/comment the last time. I sometimes do that. It’s not intentional and I’m getting better at getting to these comments.

When I say I’m attracted to transgender women, I’m referring to many qualities. So this is going to be a long reply, I think. But I respect your questions, so I’m going to be thorough out of that respect. Please note that the order in which I offer these, has no bearing on what I consider priorities. I’ll try to make that more clear as I answer. Also, my answers may confront you or run counter to what you think, how you think about transgender women or how you think men should think about them. I’m just answering as clearly as I can, questions you’re asking that, frankly, are kind of hard to answer because a lot of the attraction is intrinsic. It’s also highly personal and nobody’s business…frankly.

Like, we don’t ask a heterosexual man “why are you attracted to cis-women?” It’s a nonsensical, question socially. It’s just accepted. But my attraction is somehow, some kind of aberration worthy of interrogation? Why?

You ask: When you say you’re attracted to trans women, what exactly do you mean?

What I mean, exactly, is highly layered and nuanced. There’s an innate attraction first and foremost and this can’t be overstated or really explained. It’s not dissimilar to someone who is heterosexual and therefore attracted intrinsically, innately to members of the opposite sex, or a gay man who is innately, intrinsically attracted to men because they are men, primarily.

In other words, the fact that they are transgender is a point of attraction to me that separates them completely from cis-women. And those transgender women who are trying to be “women” I’m not attracted to because those people IMO are trying to be something that they are not…something that, frankly, they are better than at a cosmological level.

But there are other aspects of transgender women I find attractive also. Qualities easier to put my finger on. And some not so easy to pin down. Of the trans women I’ve dated (and I’ve dated many) I find their characters/personalities highly attractive. This is probably the biggest thing besides the intrinsic attraction I mentioned above.

Even those who struggle with lack of self-acceptance possess characters/personalities underneath those mental issues, which I can perceive, characters/personalities which I find alluring.

For example, there’s a transgender woman who lives one block away from me. She’s a composer and musician. She doesn’t have to say a fucking thing and I can perceive this quality I’m talking about. In the summer she sits on her porch smoking a cigarette on her breaks. She’s not the most physically attractive woman, she has several, self-admitted mental health issues, she smokes and drinks (to excess in my opinion) and yet, there is still that “je ne sais quoi” characteristic about her that is soooooo freaking alluring that is beyond my intrinsic attraction to her. It really goes beyond words to describe. And IMO, that aspect of her – of transgender women in general – does NOT exist in cis-women.

There’s a perseverance (obviously), a stick-to-it-tiveness some transgender women possess that I find highly attractive. After all, such a personal journey, undertaken often at tremendous cost, time, health risk and potential risk of social ostracization would engender these qualities in anyone IMO. But the transgender woman’s journey is unique in this way, again in my opinion. It creates a very secure, spiritually strong, somewhat intense energy I enjoy being around. Like an authenticity, which I too possess.

I like the fact that transgender women’s experiences cause them to cultivate an “I don’t take any shit from people” attitude also. I know this doesn’t exist in every trans woman, but, again, those I end up dating have such facets in their personality and I enjoy and respect that because, again, I’m that way.

The kind of transgender woman I am attracted to tends to be highly intelligent, self-reflective and thoughtful. This is not the same as formal academically instilled “intelligence”. It’s different. It’s like a self-awareness, a self-possessiveness that draws me in. You could say it’s an “energy signature”.

Those I’ve dated also tend to possess talents similar to mine (artistic or otherwise creative) as well. So there’s that.

Beyond all this, I’m attracted to how transgender women look, particularly those on HRT. I’m not referring to just young women either. And definitely not only “passable” ones. In fact, I prefer those who don’t necessarily pass over those who do. That’s because, for me, I find the blend resulting from a physiologically male body, “tempered” by HRT far, far FAR more attractive than (pardon me) fleshy, soft cis women. Which is why I am not interested in transgender women who use some processes to try to look like that fleshy, soft curvy form cis women have. Again, transgender women are transgender women. As such they are inherently distinct and preferable as far as I’m concerned. If I wanted to be with a cis-woman, I’d choose that. So passibility isn’t something I’m necessarily interested in. Not that I don’t appreciate that kind of beauty in certain transgender women. I do. But it’s not a priority for me. And certainly not part of my selection criteria.

I actually find more mature transgender women, physically, more attractive. Personality-wise too. Age tempers their personalities I think and I find that alluring.

Ok that’s the first question. The second is actually several I think:

Are you attracted to all trans women, equally those who have underwent full GRS, those who have only used hormones, and those who have underwent no medical transition at all (and all other various stages and forms of medical and non-medical social transition)?

In short. Yes.

To elaborate: I think my previous answer supports my short answer above. Attraction is attraction to me. But I do have preferences like everyone does. But that doesn’t change my attraction. It does, however, affect my selection. That’s different from attraction. I think you understand that distinction.

Your next question I answered already, but I want to highlight this, because it’s very, very important. I think you get this (perhaps from a different perspective though) because you singled out this topic as a separate question. You ask:

Also, are you attracted to them as women, or specifically as trans women?

Specifically as trans women for several reasons. For one, because that’s what they are. Secondly, “trans” is an expansion of what it means to be human. It is an evolution closer to the true aspect of human spirit in each being, which is BOTH male AND female, expressed across many lifetimes. So I see trans women as a separate, evolved and therefore advanced aspect of human expression. It is not a “third” gender. It’s transgender: they help transition humanity out of the gender paradigm. In my spiritual experience, this is a critical MUST if humanity is to evolve further.

So I venerate them because of this. There’s a lot more I can say about this relative to how trans women think about themselves, particularly those trying to be “women”, but that’s beyond the scope of your question, I think. I’m attracted to them because they are trans women.

I get that doesn’t fit with what you think. To me, that’s ok. We don’t have to think alike. Can you be ok with someone who thinks differently than you? I can.

I now want to respond to the last paragraph of your comment. I hope you’ve read this far and see that I’m quite consistent in my answers. I’m very clear about what I know. I may express it differently over time as my ability to express it improves. Ok, here’s what you wrote:

I think a lot of trans people, myself at least anyway, would want a partner who desires them as their gender – not specifically because of their trans status. And obviously, for them as a person, not just a object of sexual desire due to their trans identity. One explanation I saw you give essentially amounted to saying that trans is a third gender, which to many trans people, again certainly myself, would seem transphobic. A trans woman is a woman, not a third gender. A trans man is a man, not a third gender. Your answer I saw about transamoury seemed to be at odds with respecting a trans person’s gender identity.

I agree. Many trans people do think the way you described here. But NONE of the trans women I dated do. I respect your opinion and the opinion of those other trans people who feel this way. The trouble I have with this, given my spiritual experience, is, humanity is constantly expanding. What it is, how it looks and how it expresses itself signifies EVOLUTION. Thinking there’s only “man” and “woman” is a very narrow, limited way of seeing the vast quality of what it is animating human consciousness. To reiterate, I get some trans people struggle with someone accepting them as trans. The problem, in my opinion, is that’s because they, themselves are not accepting their trans status. Instead of seeing it as an expression of evolution, they are trying to “fit in” to a socio-defined construct, which is outdated and has been for millennia.

Back to the basic question: It’s like, do cis-women get bunged up because the guys that are attracted to them are PRIMARILY SIN QUA NON women?

Of course not. They (the women) don’t even give it a thought. Because they accept that they are women. They’re not trying to be something else.

Does a gay man get bunged up with another gay man expressing their attraction because they are PRIMARILY, SIN QUA NON male?

No. They give it no consideration. They accept what they are expressing as male.

I wonder if trans women (and trans people in general) struggle with their status because they are allowing social indoctrination wrt GENDER to create lack of self acceptance among and within them. Given that I work with transgender women, from a spiritual, core, essential nature level, I have suspicion that this is the case. I don’t have enough cases to say this definitively, though. So, don’t take my words for it. And don’t be offended over everything I have shared.

You be you! Including your ideas, thoughts and beliefs. There’s plenty of room on the planet for trans women like yourself (given how you’ve described your views) to exist, find love and joy and freedom and all that, and for guys like me to do the same.

Thanks for writing and, again, apologies for missing your previous comment!

Perry

PS – notice that I did not once mention anything about sexual desire or performance. Also, I’m surprised some transgender people are so quick to throw around the “transphobic” claim, often in contexts it has no place being uttered. For example, you can see, I hope it’s obvious, that I very much do not exhibit a “dislike of or strong prejudice against transgender people”, which is the dictionary definition of “transphobic”. For me, it’s quite the opposite.

I wonder if those who sling that term around are like POC who throw around “racist” with no real justification. Reminder: I’m a non-binary person of color. My conjecture about those who sling such terms is, they are insecurity looking for a place to place the blame for their insecurity. So they attack people with the T word or the R word, often at times when it’s completely unjustified, indeed, when the facts show exactly the opposite happening, in order to soothe an underlying lack of self-acceptance. What I’ve expressed here is NOT transphobia. It’s trans-attraction/transamory which is completely the opposite.

[transamorousnetwork]

My Cheating Husband Betrayed Me With A Transgirl

My husband is trans attracted. I’ve known this for the 6 years we have been together. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband. His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. I’m completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.

Sad and divorcing

Hi Sad,

I’m curious about what you wrote here. You said in your comment above that you’ve known your husband was trans-attracted for the six years you’ve been together. Is this accurate or was it a mis-statement?

Either way, I get your sense of betrayal and anger. But you’re not “stupid”. Men will go to all kinds of lengths to conceal this part of them FROM THEMSELVES. But that part of them, if denied, is quite cunning.

A trans-attracted guy will devise all kinds of rationalizations to deny what they know deep inside. It’s just too much of a threat to their self image. I should know. I was once where your husband is.

The problem is (as you may have read this in your research) transamory will not accept compromise. It will find expression one way or another.

All that said, your soon-to-be ex’s transamory HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Again, you’re not “stupid”. You just allowed into your life a guy who hasn’t accepted who he is. Had he accepted himself, he would have never married you. His marrying you was a compromise.

His explorations while married to you were not personal either. Well they were, but had nothing to do with you. They are personal to HIM. They are about HIM trying to understand himself.

Hopefully you can love him despite this and despite the fact that you’re divorcing. Love, real love, is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions, love persists. “Conditions” include no longer being with someone you once shared six years of your life with.

So I know you’re ABLE to love him even knowing you no longer can be with him. The real question is, are you WILLING to?

If you are willing you can find peace.

The Transamorous Network 

[transamorousnetwork]

Please Don’t Cut Off Your Penis!

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi,

I am a late transitioning trans woman. Before my GRS I was dating a tranny chaser who constantly verbally abused me for wanting to get GRS. He would scream at me to not get my penis removed. When I woke up from GRS, he was gone. That was early August 2020.

In January 2021, I met my current boyfriend. He was specifically interested in feminine, traditionally minded women – cis or trans – didn’t matter. We have been living together for several months now and he is nothing but wonderful to me. Great guys who don’t care whether or not you are trans do exist.

Somewhere In the US

Hi There Somewhere,

Isn’t it great when, when you get what you don’t want, it creates a strong desire in you for what you do want….and then, when you tell stories that match what you do want, you get that?

I think it’s great there are guys in the world who “don’t care whether or not you are trans”, just as there are guys out there who want a woman with a penis…and everything in between.

I’m sure you get a TON of validation from your current guy, right? Sure sounds like it. That’s so great.

If I were you, I’d stop telling the story of what happened in August 2020. Why repeatedly share something you didn’t enjoy? Then, I’d never stop telling the entire world about the guy you currently live with. That way, you’ll feel wonderful AND get more things you want.

By the way, using the phrase “tranny chaser” equates to calling a transgender woman “tranny”. Transgender women don’t like being called tranny. Trans-attracted Men struggling to find what they want in a partner struggle even more when those they find attractive describe them as “tranny chasers”. And if you think about it, that phrase denigrates you at the same time it denigrates him.

You probably know that, but likely think describing that guy that way makes sense because of how he treated you. But that phrase tells a story you really want to let go of…if you want a life you’ll love.

A match for everyone exists. No exceptions. Often, people find their match by “kissing a lot of frogs”. Every relationship though represents a stepping stone toward the one relationship everyone wants, the only relationship that matters, really. That relationship: the one each person has with themself.

Just as you got what you want, that guy from August 2020 will eventually get what he wants once he tells stories matching that.

Happy outcomes feel great. Enjoy the boyfriend you live with. Forget those who came before.

TTN