#tw brainwashing consequences | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

httpskuzuu · 1 year

Text

Softer

hola :D fyodor is alive - fyodor esta vivo I was thinking about making a masterlist or something like that, I don't know if when I upload this I will have it published or how I will do it

anyway, I really liked this and enjoyed writing it, it's longer than I usually post but Idk, by the way, I hated translating this, it was a pain in the ass, but that's what I get for joining a mostly English community ññññññññññññ-- well, this is mostly inspired by Sinner by TheBloodySadist, you can find it in Ao3 if you want to read it, I had an obsession with it a few months xd

jaja this has gone on too long, well, adiós adiós :p

Yandere!Fyodor x Reader

English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes

sumary: You tried to escape and now you have to take the consequences, but you make something change in Fyodor... (juju, mistery >:p) Pt.2

tw: yandere behavior, kidnapping, failed escape attempt, explicit punishment, explicit violence, blood, broken bones, humiliation¿, manipulation, brainwashing, stockholm syndrome, reader needs therapy, stabbing, nudity, sedative, Fyodor is a fucking tw

You tremble under the weight of the boot on your ribs, you swear that at some point you hear them cracking along with an agonizing pain throughout your body.

The pressure on your body makes it impossible for you to breathe properly, which is a serious problem considering you are hyperventilating. Every breath burns your exhausted lungs and aggravates the pain.

You'd ask Fyodor to kill you already if it weren't for the fact that your throat is in a terrible condition from so much screaming and pleading.

"Well, I see I can't trust you, can I?" Despite the situation, Fyodor's tone provokes you inner anger, sounding so sarcastic. Something deep inside you tells you it's not sarcasm, it's concern, but you can't believe it, especially not coming from Fyodor.

You imagine that, if you had the strength at this moment, you would kill him with your own hands. You know well you wouldn't be able to, but it's pleasant to think about it.

"I do everything for you, and still you try to escape." He puts more pressure against your ribs and you've never felt as much pain as you do now. "You spoiled brat." He growls and his Russian accent becomes much thicker.

He removes his foot from your body and you can breathe. Relief courses through your veins and, out of pure instinct, you thank him for that act of kindness. He could have stretched it out longer, put more pressure on you and broken your ribs more, but he was merciful and gave you a break…. A break, you know that your punishment is not yet over.

You don't know yourself and your thoughts. One thing you have to hand it to Fyodor is that his training is really effective, but you're tougher than that, or at least you like to think so. Realistically, right now, you just want to curl up against him.

A kick in the side snaps you out of your thoughts, you moan and cry from the pain, your throat burning with fire. You never want to utter a sound again in your life after this.

"Aw, you poor thing… Does it hurt? Now you know how I feel every time you leave me." He's lying, you know that, but that doesn't take away the guilt that settles in your head free-form.

You shouldn't have run away, Fyodor isn't even that bad if you behaved: no gratuitous physical harm and he takes better care of you than you could ask of a kidnapper. You were an idiot, you deserved all this for not appreciating your life with Fyodor properly. God… Why did you try to escape in the first place? The Russian would always would catch you, you were just causing trouble.

Ignoring your destroyed throat, you decide to speak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't try to escape again. Please give me another chance, I'll be good…"

Fyodor kneels down next to your agonized body. He puts his hand against your tear-stained cheek, at first you flinch, thinking he was going to hurt you more, but then you lean almost automatically against his cold hand.

You cry harder as you feel Fyodor's gentle touch, you don't quite understand what's wrong with you, you just know that you want to melt against his hand. You close your eyes and tremble. You want a hug from him, you know you shouldn't want that, that it's disgusting, he kidnapped you and hurt you, but at a time like this, when you've been disobedient, he's still showing you affection….

"Shh, it's okay, милый." He catches the falling tears with his thumb. "I know you're sorry, but your punishment isn't over yet." You automatically tense up and slowly open your eyes to look at the man in front of you, there is a smirk of superiority painted on his face, observing your pathetic appearance.

You don't dare open your mouth to complain because deep down you know very well that you deserve it, you deserve the pain for being so bratty and causing inconvenience to Fyodor. You accept what lies ahead of you and let Fyodor pull his hand away from you.

With his grip firmly on your hip, he guides you to turn around. You keep the cheek that was previously receiving the loving touch against the ground a thousand times colder than Fyodor.

You concentrate exclusively on the Russian's hands, it's just an idiotic attempt to ignore the pain all over your body. He pulls up your shirt, leaving your back bare against the cold, why is everything so cold all of a sudden? Fyodor is too, in a way he brings you peace of mind, it's like he's everywhere, even in the air…. What the hell are you thinking? You firmly believe you're delusional at this point, these are not your real thoughts, it's clear to you, he put all these idiotic ideas in your head and now you can't get them out. It's agonizing in a certain way.

The only thing you hear is your irregular breathing, if it wasn't for Fyodor's hand clamped on your hip, you would think you were alone right now, and you don't know if you would like that more or less.

Something sharpening presses against your upper back. Everything breaks down in a moment as Fyodor makes a straight cut across your entire back. It hurts horrendously, especially as the blood starts to spurt out. You start to feel dizzy and for a few moments you convince yourself you're going to pass out, but no, your body is still holding on, focused solely on Fyodor's hand.

"Breathe, моя любовь. It's just a cut." You repeat Fyodor's last sentence in your head like a mantra: it's just a cut, it's just a cut. He could have done it much worse to you, you were fine, just a cut.

You take comfort in closing your eyes hard and imagining that you are once again a child at the doctor's office, that you are simply having blood drawn for a blood test because you have not been feeling very well lately. You make a fist with your hand and clench it, digging your fingernails deep into your palm, it's as if you are clutching the hand of one of your parents for comfort. There is no more pain, it's okay, it's all right-

Another cut, this time horizontal, creates a cross on your back. You don't care, you're at the hospital, and you're safe, nothing will happen to you. It's just a cut.

Fyodor stabs the weapon into your side. You open your eyes wide as a torn scream comes out of your mouth.

Fuck it all, do you really deserve this? Have you been so horrible? You assume that Fyodor simply hates you, that he wants to torture you.

Fyodor pulls the weapon out of your body, you look out of the corner of your eye and the wound doesn't seem to be that bad, you thought it was deeper because of the pain, but no, it was something apparently superficial. You didn't want to know how much it would hurt if he had really stabbed you deeper.

Fyodor's voice right next to your ear startles you. "Sorry, was that too much? Did I hurt my little one too much?" That mocking tone again, but you hear a hint of love and concern, or so you assume. No, it's impossible for Fyodor to hate you, if he hated you there wasn't that hint of love, was there? If he hated you, he wouldn't say to you like that: my little one, his little one.

"I can't take it anymore! Please, Fyodor!" He leaves a chaste kiss on the back of your neck, and you cry disconsolately, you don't know why, but you do know it's not because of the pain, the pain doesn't matter anymore.

"You can." Fyodor's voice is the ultimate authority right now, and if he says you can take it, it's because you can. "You don't want to disappoint me, do you?"

After those words you instantly panic, you desperately shake your head, of course you don't want to disappoint him! You have to accept your punishment, it was your fault in the first place.

"Brace yourself, dear." Fyodor leaves a trail of kisses from the nape of your neck all the way down your back, above the vertical cut. You assume he's filled his lips with blood and hate yourself at the thought of how attractive he'd look like that.

A new cut interrupts your hatred. You scream, but nothing more, you can take it, for Fyodor….

It's just one cut.

You don't know how many cuts there are next, you are not able to count them. You don't feel your throat anymore, but miraculously it still works, your screams are still coming out of it, you are relieved because you still want to keep your voice to talk to Fyodor, to ask him to hold you.

Fyodor removes your shirt completely and lays it aside on the floor. He holds you firmly and helps you sit up, any movement is hell for your ribs, but you endure it by concentrating on your kidnapper, on his loving but steadfast touch.

You look at him dizzy, teary-eyed and shattered. He is smiling, you have not disappointed him. Your head hurts as you cry disconsolately against his chest again.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying now? Your punishment is over, I won't hurt you anymore."

"You…" You're unable to speak, it's too much at once, the pain and your thoughts coming together in a ball of discomfort. You shake your head and hug him tightly.

"Are you afraid?" You weakly shake your head. It's true that Fyodor scares you, especially on these occasions when he punishes you, but you're not crying about it now.

Funny, you don't know why you're crying, but you do know what you're not crying about.

Fyodor is silent, thinking about why you're crying. "Is it about the pain?" You deny again.

Fyodor hums thoughtfully. "If you don't tell me what it is, I can't help you." You ponder on that: does he want to help you? Is he serious?

You make the feeble attempt to gather your thoughts and speak. "It's just- I don't know" Your voice comes out shakier than you wish it would. "When you touch me… It feels so good, I don't deserve it, I don't-"

"Oh, I see… Aren't you crying because of something bad? Is it because it feels good?" You nod quickly, yes, that's as close as you feel. You're happy when it touches you, when it's good to you. Were you crying out of happiness? Well, you guess so, although it feels more depressing.

"It's okay, relax." He leaves a kiss in front, and it breaks you inside. "You've taken the punishment very well, come on, you deserve to be taken care of."

The process of getting up from the floor is horrible, not only because of the pain all over your body and your numb legs, but because your mind doesn't stop spinning around Fyodor's last sentence. It feels horrible and so good at the same time that your mind is only around one specific person.

He helps you up and you let him lean your useless body against his. He guides you through the house, being patient with your slow pace. He's mostly silent, except when he tells you how well you're doing or that not long to go. Since when did Fyodor know how to talk so pleasantly?

You reach the bathroom, he sits you on the toilet and turns on the bathtub faucet. While it is filling, Fyodor takes some pills out of a drawer that you have always found locked. You don't know what the pills are or what they're for, but he hands you one and you take it without question.

You let your head fall against Fyodor's stomach, even though he is standing upright he doesn't move an inch and lets you be comfortable, he strokes your hair and you sigh lovingly. You don't deserve it, but you need more of this Fyodor, the soft Fyodor who takes care of you and makes you feel good, what did you have to do in the future to keep it in this shape? If you need to be damaged for that, well, you are willing to do it.

"The tub is full." He warns and moves a little away from you, causing you to raise your head. You miss a little that he's touching you, even though he's only been separated of you for three seconds. He holds you under your armpits and helps you up. "I need you to stand up on your own, can you, дорогой?"

You try not to focus so much on Fyodor asking you if you could do it instead of just sending you the order, and focus on standing on your own.

The Russian undresses you completely, his hands are soft, and you feel them all over your body. They are so cold, and you are so cold too now that you are naked. You are vulnerable, now more than ever, and Fyodor's fixed gaze on you disturbs you. You are simply an easy prey to hunt, his prey.

He doesn't look like a hunter now, as much as his gaze is like knives stabbing through every spot he focuses on, you think he's not doing it on purpose. Fyodor doesn't know how to be nice, he never has. He knows how to be neutral: he can keep you alive and give you necessities, but he can't kiss you and keep you warm.

But there's something wrong with all this, he's being warm because since when are his hands so soft against your battered body? You need him, you need him so much it hurts, is this his way of being nice? Okay, fine, you accept it without complaint.

When he puts you in the tub you want to die, the cuts on your back burn at the contact of the water. You don't dare say a word at that or ask Fyodor to pull you out, you're afraid you'll upset him, that he'll get tired of you being so weak and whiny and stop being gentle. Fyodor could have left you lying on the cold floor, bleeding, but he didn't. You can't be an unbearable child to him.

The Russian starts washing your body, putting special emphasis on your cuts and the wound on your side. You look at his serious face with need, why were you only now realizing how handsome he was? Mmmh, you must have been blind before. He notices obviously your shy look on his lips and he smiles, that smile indicating that he was superior to you and despite that, he was still keeping you alive and forgiving of everything you did.

He approaches you and gives you the only thing you needed to be satisfied for today: a kiss. It reminds you of all the good things, strangely enough in those memories Fyodor also appears and disturbs you minimally.

You question yourself that, maybe, Fyodor does know how to be gentle.

This is the proof you need to know that now this was a new version, right? He kissed you. You feel a warmth spreading throughout your body, now it is warm, and his hands are warm too. There is a big change in temperature and it feels like heaven.

After that, Fyodor continued to wash you with special care, ignoring how your face might explode from how red it was.

The only thing that could crush the heat was tiredness, you almost fell asleep a couple of times, but you didn't want to fall asleep because it would be like wasting time with this soft Fyodor, what if tomorrow he returned to his serious and impassive face? You can't waste this time or you would regret it.

"Go to sleep, take it easy. I'll take you to bed when I'm finished." You looked at him as the most merciful being in the world. He cared about you…

You hold back your sobs for these acts of kindness, you don't want to cry anymore, not only to avoid possible discomfort in Fyodor, but for yourself, the headache is unbearable.

You let yourself fall asleep, with your head supported on your knees and Fyodor's soothing touch.

You had a nightmare which you don't remember, or don't want to remember. You wake up with your body held in Fyodor's arms, warm and gentle.

Since when did everything become so homey? Homey? Would that be the right word? Describing any situation involving Fyodor with that word doesn't feel natural to you.

You find it hard to feel your body, and your thoughts don't flow as quickly and aggressively as they used to. It's like being enveloped in a cloud, full of comfort and calmness.

You just feel something on your side, at the site of the shallow stab wound. You think maybe it's some bandage, but your limbs are asleep and too comfortable against Fyodor to move them to check. Otherwise, you feel nothing, only someone else's hand on your lower belly, it's extremely intimate in your perspective.

You turn your sleepy head and glance sideways at Fyodor. He seems calm, looking at you, his face is emotionless again and it scares you. You come to convince yourself that he is still the soft Fyodor, if he wasn't his hand wouldn't be on you, he still hasn't changed, you repeat that to yourself until you believe it.

"… Fyodor, do you know what?" Your voice comes out weak and hoarse, you wonder how soon your throat will heal. You're thankful you can't feel it well, so there's no pain anymore.

"Mmmh?"

"I think I love you."

"Do you?" There is a change, minuscule, but a change.

You nod and look away from his face, you can't stand it, no. There has been a change, you don't know in what. There's been a change, a change! Is it good or bad? You want to think it's a nice thing.

"You're different."

"I am? In what way?"

"You're softer, something nice."

"You're drugged, you don't talk sense."

"But you're different! Seriously, you never take care of me."

Silence rules the room and it hurts. Why did you talk? What idiocy, it's your fault everything that happens now, all your fault.

"You cried with happiness when I helped you sit up." Your gaze returns to the other.

"I know, so what? You want me to cry again?" There are no bad intentions behind your comment, there really aren't. You feel your brain empty, and you can't quite interpret the situation, what is Fyodor trying to tell you? Is he angry? Is he going to punish you again? It's exhausting to use your brain in this state, so you just give up and go with the flow.

"No, I don't want that." The silence stretches a little longer and, for just a few seconds, Fyodor looks away. He looks away. "I just… I thought maybe you'd be happier if I treated you good."

"Ah…" He wanted you to be happy? Really?

"I know I hurt you, but you know I only do it when you deserve it, don't you?" You nod and the cuts on your back burn for a few seconds. "Good. I really want you to be happy, with me."

You feel like at any moment the old Fyodor will appear through the door and say something like it was all a test, and then punish you for failing it. It's a horrible feeling, but you come to believe that it will seriously pass.

"So… Are you still going to be soft?"

"Yes, only if you are obedient in return."

Yes, yes, yes. He's going to keep being gentle. For some reason your chest hurts, and you sob, Fyodor has a few drops of surprise in his expression. You hide from his gaze and just focus on the yes, it's like releasing a horrible burden out of your body. You weren't afraid he was lying, something told you he wasn't, his expression maybe, or his voice, or….

"Are you crying with happiness now too?"

"I like the soft Fyodor…"

"Mmmh, that's good, isn't it?" He pulls you a little closer to his face and leaves a soft kiss on your forehead. You'd like to kiss him in return, but you can't move. "I'll keep being soft then."

I swear all I could think about while writing this was to to send it all to hell and make these two fuck

maybe I will make a second part

#bsd x reader #bsd x you #bsd fyodor #fyodor #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #fyodor x reader #fyodor x y/n #fyodor x you #yandere fyodor #yandere bsd #yandere bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd

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fellthemarvelous · 8 months

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Invisible scars

(TW: religious trauma)

Looking at me, you wouldn't know that I've survived religious trauma. The marks of religious trauma are seldom visible. In fact, I had no idea for the longest time that I had religious trauma (I thought it was a thing that happened to other people). I simply spent decades questioning the reasons I felt like I was so broken on in the inside. I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and why I never felt happy or like I was never able to connect to anyone. I had no idea that my experience with the church as a small child is what shaped me into the anxiety-ridden, majorly depressed disaster creature I am today.

I spent 12 years learning inside of Catholic schools. It has taken me more than 20 years to process and deconstruct, and I am always going to be a work in progress. I was brainwashed into believing the very worst about myself, and I was always just beyond saving because I had the misfortune of being a woman in a church that taught us that women experience pain during childbirth as a natural consequence of Eve eating the apple, which is why they enjoy making us suffer in the first place. They taught us that Adam ate the apple because Eve seduced him, so even though Adam also ate the apple, his sin still wasn't as bad as Eve's because she did it first and used sex to get him to do the same. They placed the blame for Original Sin squarely on Eve and thus onto every single girl who entered the church. If a boy did something to me that I didn't like, it's probably because I did something to provoke him first.

Do you know what I learned to do at a very young age just to be able to cope with that?

I learned to use humor to deflect when I was struggling. I smile when I don't want people to know I'm sad. I laugh at inappropriate times, especially when I'm uncomfortable. I learned to bottle up all of my emotions because expressing anything other than happiness is bad. I learned to compartmentalize. I taught myself how to pull out the right emotion for the right occasion because I was always striving to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. It was exhausting.

In the midst of all of this, I'm trying to figure out which parts of me are really me and which parts of me are things that were put into my head. If you've experienced indoctrination, you know what I'm talking about. They pulled us apart as small children and placed us in specific boxes and told us that deviating from the norm was bad.

Crowley is a fallen angel. His change from angel to demon is drastic on the outside.

You know he fell and that his wings turned black and he ended up in a pool of boiling sulfur. It's the reason Crowley is so easy to sympathize with. He suffered unfairly because of arbitrary rules that deemed him unforgivable. He's accepted that part of himself. He's clever and creative and it has helped him find ways to get out of doing his job for centuries. Hell doesn't care how jobs get done just as long as someone does them, and at this point humanity is doing more to damn themselves than the demons are able to keep up with. They're tired and overworked. Hell is overpopulated even though it should be infinite in size. Crowley wants no part of that system because he sees it for what it is, just as he sees Heaven for what it is. He has the marks to prove that he is one of the damned, but that has given him all the perspective he needs to see that both sides are fucked up and toxic and "irredeemable" (just like him). He has yet to fully let go of the hold Heaven has over him because of how badly he got hurt.

Aziraphale is still an angel.

He never fell, and he doesn't know why. He has lied to God. He has lied to Gabriel repeatedly. He lies to protect Crowley. He lies to protect humanity.

Remember, Crowley and Aziraphale started off in the same place.

They both started off as angels who were created to do God's bidding. Aziraphale is the one who told Crowley what he'd heard about everything shutting down in 6,000 years. He was simply trying to make conversation. He didn't think it was something Crowley would object to. Angels were just supposed to go along with God's plans, but Crowley had a different opinion and was vocal about it. Where did Aziraphale get his information in the first place? Why does nobody ever ask this question?

Aziraphale knows Heaven is toxic. He's not blind. We need to move past this idea that because he still has love for God that he doesn't know Heaven is fucked up. He never fell, and it's something he still fears because who the hell doesn't fear the thought of eternal torment, especially if you know it's real? God has never cast him out of Heaven though and he doesn't know why. It's probably something that hangs over his head like the Sword of Damocles.

Letting go is not an easy task. Aziraphale has always been an angel. He didn't have his identity ripped from him the same way that Crowley did. Crowley had to adapt to a brand new way of existing because he was cast out of Heaven.

Crowley's trauma is evident on the outside. Aziraphale's trauma is hidden on the inside. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Crowley was an angel and then he was a demon, but he doesn't want to be labeled as either.

Aziraphale has only ever known how to be an angel. He's only ever known the ways of Heaven.

I'm only in my early 40s. It has taken me 20+ years to undo 12 years of religious abuse. Aziraphale is immortal. He and Crowley have abandoned their jobs, but four years in the space of millions isn't a lot. No one overcomes indoctrination in four years. Especially when you had millions of years of blind obedience indoctrinated into you. It simply does not work that way no matter how much you want to believe it can.

It has taken me more than two decades to learn how to stop hating myself. I still have no idea how to love myself, but it's something I'm trying to learn.

My entire identity was wrapped up in what the church told me it would be. Once I fully denounced it and all organized religion, I found out I had no idea who I was. No one had prepared me for a life outside of this one very specific identity and role that I was expected to fill based on a very specific box I was placed into.

I still struggle with black and white concepts. It's hard to unlearn when you have no other basis for comparison, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. It means that these changes do not and will not ever happen overnight.

The fall didn't just affect the demons though. It affected the angels as well. Look at how tightly wound the angels are. They're always trying to do the good thing, but they have no idea what that actually means, and you realize this when Uriel asks The Metatron if they had done something wrong. They are scared of making mistakes, but none of them know what they are supposed to be doing since Gabriel disrupted the status quo. You can see they are unsure of themselves and of each other. The concept of free will is so foreign to them, but Aziraphale showed all of them that it was in their grasp when he allowed Gabriel and Beelzebub to decide where to go so they could be together.

It takes a lot of audacity (and sheer ignorance) to dismiss Aziraphale as power-hungry and abusive.

Aziraphale did nothing to punish Gabriel and Beelzebub. He allowed them to leave because they were in love with each other, and he knows what that feels like. He thought he was about to get the same fate with Crowley until The Metatron showed up and refused to take no for an answer.

He doesn't want to fix Heaven because he thinks it's perfect. If he thought it was perfect he wouldn't want to fix it.

Aziraphale is going back into the Lion's Den. He knows what he's going up against. He's been humiliated and belittled and abused by Heaven for thousands of years.

His scars are there even though you can't see them, and he hides his pain with humor and silliness.

When I see people advocating for Aziraphale to suffer even more because they don't think he has suffered enough, I find myself sitting back in one of those classrooms in Catholic school being told that I deserve the bad things that happen to me because I somehow failed to measure up to some impossible metric. The cruelty of that mindset aimed at Aziraphale is kinda the reason Crowley hates Heaven in the first place because he's been there too.

And as someone who is processing religious trauma, it's disheartening to see people say that because Aziraphale has yet to fully let go of Heaven that he deserves harsher treatment. Crowley would definitely not agree with that sentiment.

#good omens #crowley #aziraphale #religious trauma #ex catholic #i don't know if this makes sense #i know the discourse on religious trauma is already another thing in this fandom #but this is how i process #deconstructing isn't fucking easy

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scramblescrew · 1 month

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I think it’s time for the cult of the lamb stuff too begin (do the first one)

Male Black Cat!Follower Reader Being the “sibling” of the Bishops of The Old Faith

TW: [Unhealthy Relationship, beatings, drugging, forced sibling relationship, gaslighting]

Relationship type: Platonic but unhealthy

Since your birth after the banishment of The One Who Waits, your life had been filled with luxury. Being in the likeness of the bishop of death had its perks. for a few examples; you were widely respected among the old faith, you got special exemptions for certain rituals such as fight pits and Flesh sacrifices, higher positions in the old faith, and at some points, you were even given offerings. But there WERE downsides, the attention you had gotten from the four bishops was a bit unnerving. they seemed crazed since the day they met you! All four bishops treated you like their own blood..? And even though your name was [Y/N], they kept calling you Narinder....you always asked why you were given the nickname you were but Heket or Shamura would always tell you that that there would be a time and place for that. But it wasn’t now….

As you've gotten older, you were given a gold skull necklace, a charm that gave you everlasting life as long as you wore it. but with your age and more knowledge, you had also noticed a pattern of behaviors in the bishops you've now accepted as your "siblings."

Leshy:

- god d*mn. This gremlin

- he uses his domain, Darkwood, to trap you in for extended of time, forcing you to cuddle him and to hear you eventually purr.

- is he delusional? ….kind off

- he knows you aren’t Narinder, but you were the closest thing to him

- and GODS- he was so angry for what his brother did to him

- this boi is fluffy!

- when giving hugs and just hanging out in general, the density and softness of his fur(?) makes the Camilia flower fields his domain is known for feel like brittle hay in comparison!

-he essentially uses you as a tiny feline teddy bear

- speaking of Camilia flowers, since they are used for healing, Leshy might withhold them from you in order for you to depend on him even more.

- leaving you ill and consequently suffering for sometimes days before giving you Camilia flowers and bed rest

- only because his siblings begged him to give you some mercy

“Who’s tough now, huh!? Who’s the one with the power now, Narinder!? ME-“

Heket:

-WOULD SHANK SOMEONE!

- anyways- she IS VERY protective but she has good intentions/reasoning for that

- to her, you are so weak and kind of pathetic but that would be ok to her

- as long as you stay with either her or her siblings

- in case you ever got any ideas of running off in order to escape, she would periodically use the mushrooms around her grounds of Anura to brainwash you into being subdued and making you docile

- despite her crown helping her talk to some extent, Heket still expects you to help her get her point across when she can’t voice them

- she (along with Kallamar) tries to dilude herself with the thought that you are indeed Narinder returned from banishment and trying to repent for his actions, no matter how futile that would be

-but that wasn’t the truth and she knew it. She knew you were an innocent follower that was given a name and title that didn’t belong to you

-she almost pities you

“Just eat…….the mushrooms….Narinder…..you’ll feel…better..soon.”

Kallamar:

-He wholeheartedly believes you’re just Narinder without your crown…therefore…powerless…

- and he absolutely takes advantage of that delusion

- on the beaches bordering anchor deep, he’d be found throwing you around and shrieking about everything “you” did to your “siblings”!

- you took his handsome ears, Heket’s ability to speak-her voice, Leshy’s eyes, SHAMURA’S MIND-

-he’d curse you with everything’s he had, just wanted to hurt you for things that you would never think of doing

- but eventually he’d calm down and see you in a curled up ball on the ground, crying and bleeding in pain, the pain of the attacks and illness taking over you as you writhed

- he’d gasp, rushing to you and picking you up and holding you close

-he’d shake and tear up as he runs to his siblings for Mushrooms, to ease the pain, and Camilia flowers, you heal you

-he’d immediately be scolded and forbid from seeing you period

- this severed communication between you two would lead to him taking it easy, thankfully

- after he was allowed to be around you again, he’d just take you to the docks

-you two would catch fish together and feast on your catches. Talking about Kallamar’s old happy memories with Narinder as if you shared the same happiness and were there

“I’m sorry, brother…you’ve just caused us so much pain…I-…I still love you though

Shamura:

-Two words.

-MANIPULATION and DELUSIONAL

-they were the closest to Narinder back before his banishment, so they would be the one to spend most time with you

- you be using the silk found around to make thread and making clothing for Shamura’s followers when the spider bishop themself would come up behind you, pick you up, and take you back to her temple

-they’d warn and advise you against spending unnecessary time around followers

-They wouldn’t want you to get that much power getting to your head…

-“you wouldnt want to be sent away again, do you?”

-Shamura would also gaslight you into thing that you’re crazy for thinking they were anything but loving to you

“What? We love you!- We’re your siblings, you’re acting like we’re some sort of captors and you’re a prisoner! You were a prisoner when we sent you to the underworld! But you’re back now! Just let us be a family again, damn it!”

-similar with Heket, if you tried to escape Silk Cradle, Shamura would fly into a rage and chase after you, grabbing you, and secure you in a spider silk cocoon that was in a safe area of their temple before calming down

-you could try to struggle and scream but “your eldest sister” would just hug you close and sing to you

“Narinder..Dear brother..please stop fighting. You’ll only hurt yourself more…”

UP NEXT: DEPRESSED READER X ANCIENT COOKIES

#requests closed #cotl narinder #cotl au #cotl heket #cotl leshy #cotl kallamar #cotl shamura #cotl headcanons #forced sibling relationship #siblings #Cotl #cult of the lamb #gaslighting #platonic yandere

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gayuu-the-necromancer · 1 year

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My thoughts on El's father...(Rant!)

TW - major spoilers

I hate him!

He's the fucking worst! Not only as a father but he's monster. I don't care if he's grieving the loss of his wife, he's also responsible for what happen to El.

El's mom, Cecelia (beautiful name btw) was r*ped by a monster and that's how El was born. No one knew this fact. I understand Cecelia having conflicted feelings for El. On one hand, she does seems to care about El but there was also a small amount of hatred because of how he was born. From El's point of view, his mom looked at him like he was like a caterpillar, which she hates.

Cecelia could no longer suffer the pain and killed herself after writing a suicide note that revealed everything. Hugh, El's dad and Cecelia's husband, was affected mentally and blamed it all on El after knowing all the truth. First of all, you're telling me, you loved and cared for El all this time, and the moment you realised that he was not your flesh and blood, you don't love him anymore? Are you telling me all the love you gave him before was only because you thought he was your actual son? If El can love you, who is not his biological father, even after knowing everything then why can't you love him back? Like you lost your wife, he too lost his mother. Now the only one he can rely on is you!

Also how is this all El's fault? He's 8 or 9 years old. What the hell did he do? How is this all his fault? It's not like he told that monster from heaven to go and SA Cecelia, so that he can come to earth, right? Use your brain you dumb bitch!

And not yet! I haven't even got to the worse part yet. After this, Hugh goes into complete depression, and his mental state was not good. He even wanted El out of his sight or otherwise, he would have panic attacks because El's face reminded him was his wife's death. Whatever! Fuck you anyways!

While this was happening, that mf Jeffery...yeah, Jeffery, everyone's fav character...Yayy! He manipulates the now defenseless 9 year old El so that he and the maids could SA him as much as they liked....

Just how much of a monster you have to be to do this to a child? That too a child who YOU watched growing up. I just really want to know what was going in their minds when they were doing such things.

This nightmare was happening everyday and one day, the doctor was visiting the mansion for Hugh's treatment, got a whiff of this and he was like "Oh, you can SA a beautiful looking child and you won't face any consequences? Plss let me in!"

Yeah! The doctor! A doctor, who's job is to save people, now wants to gang with these monsters to destroy what is left of El. I literally wanna skin these people alive, chop them and feed them to the dogs.

Of course El kills the doctor by stabbing him with the scissors, because he's mentally broken at this point. Jeffery and the maid, just entirely brainwashed and manipulated him into thinking that what they're doing to him is an act of love and they love him unlike his father and mother. El thought that if he killed the doctor, maybe then Hugh will be happy and smile at him. He goes to see his father and his father killed himself. Good! Otherwise I would have killed him myself! His father told him that he knew what Jeffery and the maids were doing to him but he decided to let it happen because he wanted El to feel the same pain as he does. This statement, made my blood BOIL! This fucking selfish ASSHOLE!! Just how can you watch a child's innocence being stolen and take the side of these monsters? Even if he's not your biological child, he's still a child! A human being that has feelings!! Just how can you? A parent should be protecting their children. Even if you're not a parent, as a human being, don't you think you should protect that child? I'm sorry, I'm being so emotional! It just hurts me more when I see a parent doing this.

You know, when I was child, my grandma used to tell me that in hell, people are thrown into a large boiling cooking pots filled with oil and are roasted by Yamaraj (god of death in Hinduism) for their sins. I'm not a religious person, but I feel like that's one of the best punishment suited for monsters who attack children.

I...just...hate him more than Liam's dad.

#ikemen series #otome #cybird ikemen #cybird otome #ikemen villain #cybird #ikemen villains #ikemen villains elbert

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thecanadianweeb · 1 year

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Barbie Movie Review (TW: Spoilers!)

So I saw the barbie movie yesterday with my GF and her mother too.

Since people were wearing pink to the movie, i wore my pink Y2K tracksuit that my aunt got at a flea market for me. My gf wore a pink dress with a leather jacket. My tracksuit totally fit the vibe! Anyways my theater was full of gays, including us.

So the movie starts really wholesome, with feminism as it's motto... until barbie starts having an existential crisis. Then she goes to the weird barbie, the black sheep of barbieland. The weird barbie tells her that whoever is playing with her at the moment is causing the crisis. Then she goes to the real world and ken is the tag-along (man) child.

In the real world, barbie meets Barbra Handler while sitting on a bench, while trying to regain memories of who was playing with her.

she finds out that it was a high-schooler named Sasha. she goes up to find her, while ken starts getting into conservative politics.

Eventually, Mattel themselves finds out that barbie has escaped her world and ended up in the human realm. they then send out agents to get her because it could have serious consequences on both worlds.

Barbie soon finds Sasha, but then gets roasted by her because she hates barbies due to unrealistic (body) standards. Barbie sits down on the curb of the school and cries until Mattel's agents find her. Barbie is kinda happy to see them because she's always wanted to see what some of her creators have done. Meanwhile, Gloria, Sasha's mom is picking her up when she sees barbie getting picked up by Mattel but is too late.

When barbie is at Mattel headquarters, she explores the building and goes to the CEO's office. They then put her in a box that nearly kidnaps her, so she makes a run for it while the agents chase after her! Meanwhile, Ken is going back to barbieland with his new political agenda.

While running away from the Agents, Barbie runs into Ruth Handler, The mother/creator of Barbie itself! She tells barbie a secret escape method and it works! Barbie then meets Gloria and her daughter. They stare for a bit with a lot of queer-coded Sapphic tension. Then barbie flops into the car due to the agents catching up. Which cues a car chase scene!

in this car chase scene, Gloria and barbie talk about their problems and find out that SHE's the one that's messing with her life. Gloria also talks about her male partner is all by himself, practicing his spanish on duolingo. eventually they get away from the agents safely, and barbie takes the two newfound friends back to barbieland, which has now been turned into kendom. Barbie is obviously unhappy, because her friends have been turned into sex slaves with maid outfits! (Weird, right?) The constitution was also about to be changed too!

Barbie then becomes incredibly depressed and goes to the only refuge left: Weird Barbie's house! the other barbies which weren't brainwashed were staying there for safety as well. Then there's a narration stating that Margot Robbie probably wasn't the best actress for this scene, because ya know.

The Mattel agents realize that changes have aleady been made to both worlds and send the agents into barbieland to stop it as well!

Then there's an actual commercial for a depressed barbie doll, which is super funny. but also kinda sad.

Gloria and Sasha decide to go back to the real world, but ken has issued the construction of a Donald Trump-esque wall! And what's worse, Someone hitched a ride on the pair's Car! Turns out that it was just Allan, and he's actually a nice guy trying to escape the conservative government. Then out of nowhere, He literally jumps out and punches the Construction workers, serving as a distraction!

Gloria and Sasha have an "Oh Sh*t, we gotta help her" moment and go back to help save Barbieland! they end up finding her in the strange Barbie's house. And Gloria gives an inspiring speech about life and it's hardships. She's also wearing a shirt with the Lesbian flag colors on it!

Eventually, the refugee barbies and Gloria come up with a plan to undo the ken Regime (that's what I'm gonna call it) and bring order back.

this plan includes cheating on all of the other ken dolls and making them fight against each other, lord of the flies style.

it ends up working and everything is back to normal. when the kens come back from a homoerotic lord of the flies battle, they see that their changes have been undone and are upset. Ken tries to seduce barbie, but she ignores it bc they are both gay in denial or possibly bi/aro, etc. the girls then tell the kens that they are enough if they stop being stupid and actually be supportive for once.

Then the agents meet up and talk to barbie saying that's she's the hero and deserves a happy ending with ken. Barbie disagrees, saying that she doesn't know who or what she wants to be. Then Ruth comes back and tell her about how she was her actual mother and it's up to her to decide her destiny in an inspiring speech. Barbie then decides to stay in the real world and it's unclear if the portal was left closed or open. Same thing with ken and barbie being gay. All it shows in the end is barbie asking if she's celibate, which is a recurring joke in the film.

I think since it has an ambiguous ending, barbie might actually be in a poly relationship with Gloria and her partner.

Anyways, TLDR, Barbie has an existential crisis, gains a girlfriend (Both ways ig) and discovers herself.

If you are a Parent, don't bring your children to this movie unless they can handle mature topics or you are willing to explain stuff. it is rated PG-13 in my country, however. Other than that, A great movie! (unless you have mommy issues)

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the-thimble · 19 days

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I am writing here to process through some tough things. I feel pretty alone in all of it, so I've come here to write things out. No pressure to read, just stream of consciousness thoughts.

Tw: ab*se, addiction, mental illness, etc.

The more I discover about my past, the angrier I have become.

I am trying to let things go... I have been for a while now. And not in a way that I just forget everything, but in a way that I can process life from a healed perspective so I can stop the cycle of abuse, neglect, DV, etc.

My dad is on trial (again) and the fact that he is almost definitely a paranoid schizophrenic is now something court psychiatrists are seeing. His last large court problem ended with him in a mental institution because his actions (armed assault of a child) were found to have been caused by "criminal insanity." For years he had me convinced that he somehow tricked everyone, but as an adult, I now understand that the court won't grant you insanity unless there is overwhelming evidence showing that is the case.

For years, my immediate family (mom/gran/etc.) AND my distant family (his brothers and sisters) have treated me like I am being dramatic. Have assessed the situation as something I can easily just move on from... but the more I understand what that man really did to my brain growing up (the lasting impact of his unchecked mental illness and addiction), the more I see the consequences of his actions in my day-to-day life, the more I know they're addressing me with denial. They've put the burden of processing everything on my shoulders so they don't have to engage with subjects as uncomfortable as this.

I said something recently that made it click for a few of them, and I am grateful I did. I said, "things happened to me as a child that you couldn't/wouldn't concionably explain to a child you're close to." I drove home, "Things were done to me as a child you couldn't explain to the children around you without traumatizing them." And they seemed to finally start to understand...

From a very young age, he was allowed access to me alone for sometimes weeks at a time. As a child, he spent hours talking at me, mixing up my reality so he could be painted in the best light. I would tell him, "but I SAW what you did, I was there!" And he would spend hours (days sometimes) trying to force me to change my memories of him. He would tell me every other adult in my life was brainwashing me... that what I remembered was placed there by them in the first place. That what I saw, heard, felt, and KNEW because I was there was just all wrong. (This pattern led to me not being able to trust my own intuition, which followed me into every aspect of my life moving forward)

He also had money, access to a lot of prescription (and other) drugs, and was very charming so people would inherently believe him. My siblings endured similar, but by the time they were alive (we have large gaps between each of us in age), the government had already entered the picture and limited what he was capable of. They also had siblings and responsible adults around them to help teather them to reality. When it happened to me, I was alone with him. No one had stepped in yet, so there was no monitoring of the situation. It was just me. For example, when I was only 8 years old, he described to me in detail how he was sexually assaulted at the age I was then by an older woman... we were alone at night on a 3.5 hour drive. This is a cliffnote example of a thousand other instances where I was used as a young girl for him to process terrible trauma. I still couldn't tell you what his intentions were with telling me those things... nevertheless, I was in no way mentally capable of either helping him process, or even being able to hear that without it traumatizing me.

I could go on and on here about everything, but I won't, I'm seeking a therapist to help me dig through it all.

But this most current trial he's involved with? It took the entire court (his lawyer included) saying he has these issues before anyone would ever believe me. They didn't believe me the first time around. They thought it was a fluke the 1st time... so, for me, it has taken 29 years for anyone to believe me.

To go through all of that when no one believes you? To beg for help that will never come because YOU'VE been painted as the crazy one? It broke me. It broke my brain. It destroyed me in a way that I am feeling (at the moment) like I can't come back from. It's not like I can ask my peers for advice because it is a trauma just to hear what happened. I couldn't concionably sit them with the reality I've been facing. Plus, when every "trusted" adult around you gaslights you and minimizes (for their own comfort, not yours), you begin to think that you're actually insane... you isolate because if they didn't believe you, who would? I am happy that my dad might finally get treatment (not just for us, but for him. I know existing inside his head must be absolute torture), but I am 29 years old. I have waited so long with no answers that I don't know how salvageable I am anymore as a functional person no matter how hard I fought to keep my head above water. I feel as if there is no peace I could possibly find now. Since no one believed me, my brain has twisted and contorted into something that is very hard to live with and I fear that I might never be okay again, even now when answers and justice are finally coming.

I live every day with OCD, I isolate because I never think anyone will understand/believe me... my own health has tanked because my nerves have been literally fried to the point that I started having seizures. The physical damage the abuse did is present for me every day of my life, and I don't feel like it is worth trying so much anymore. They figured it out too late... I really did try to hang on. I wish I had known so much earlier what allowing myself to exist in those circumstances was doing to me physically, not just mentally. It broke me. It really really did. And now I'm expected to just move on and have as normal of a life as everyone else? I'm going to try, but I have been diminished greatly in the process of getting here. I prayed the same prayer so often since I was little, "Lord, please let me stay kind. Please don't let my heart change because of all of this. Please let me get through so I can help others because I will believe them." But the longer everyone around me took to help, the more I felt like my prayers were hitting the ceiling and falling back down onto my lap.. I still want to be kind. I still want to be able to help others. I think I just feel too far gone at this point. I don't feel like anyone understands me or would willingly have the have the patience to get me to where I need to go. I know "no one saves you," and I have never expected that, but I just need people who believe me. I need people who don't just look at me like I have 3 heads when I explain bits of what happened to me. I need to know that I could have a decent life because right now, I do not feel as if it is possible for me.

I don't know... I wish I could end this by saying I know what I need to do to get better, but at the moment, I really don't know. I have gotten my drinking under control, I have backed off on any drugs (I smoke weed sometimes still to stop the regular night-terrors and a bit for pain, but I have gotten that usage down to about 1/3 of a joint every couple days). I have tried to integrate continually back into community... and I will keep trying. I think perhaps this most recent trial, finally being shown that I wasn't crazy, is dredging up a lot for me. It's not as comforting as I thought it would be because it just feels like all the damage has already been done.

If you made it this far into what i wrote, Idk.. ty? Lol. if anyone has any advice/YouTube essays/etc. I am open to it. If you have any advice as to what kind of therapy you think might work best for me, I would gladly accept any and all advice on the matter. I will keep trying... I just pray wholeheartedly that it is not too late for me as a person to heal.

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ctheathy · 11 months

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Lost Chances Face Consequences

Kennith Simmons x Reader

Yandere Oneshot

Author’s note: I'm not even kidding when I say that I was utterly destroyed for months after finding out about his homosexuality. Pain.

Allow me to clear something up real quick, as a certain person got frustrated with me because I made a ‘gay male x female’ oneshot. It's not. This story is supposed to represent one brainwashing themselves into “liking” somebody due to their internal loneliness. It's like children who get many “crushes” when it's really just them wanting friends to fill that void.

Kennith/Reader [“Romantic Tendencies”]

[Gender-neutral Darling|Female Darling|Male Darling]

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

!Female Reader! as it's the point of the entire oneshot • Manipulation • Emotional dependency [from Kennith] • Rejection • Non consensual holding • Needle mention • Drugging

“___ ... I love you! Please ... Go out with me?”

Your eyebrows furrowed a little at the boy infront of you as you scrunched your nose in disgust ever so slightly, raising an eyebrow in confusion at his audacity for even asking the question right now.

Kennith Simmons. He's been a good friend of yours ever since highschool... You've both always been the loners among the school, automatically making your bond with one another grow immensely after noticing eachother's isolation and awkward nature. And you might be confused at your current revulsion towards a simple confession coming from the male. Well. It wasn't like you were frustrated with him... But you certainly weren't happy either. The whole scene that was currently playing out just filled you with a massive sense of embarrassment. And perhaps even disappointment?

Why, you may ask?

Because the scene was playing out exactly as it did a few months ago when the roles were reversed. The nervous look on his face, the sweet yet awkward smile plastered on his lips, the many gifts and flowers resting in his sweaty palms, the mere hope in his eyes only for it to be shattered an instant later. It was exactly like yours... The whole scenery was just a direct copy of what happened to you about half a year ago, filling you with complete deja vu. You were always aware of the high risk of falling in love with a close friend... But you couldn't help your foolish self back then.

Bad... Bad mistake.

You still remember his empathetic yet blunt and straightforward statement like a core memory, the first time you've been informed on his romantic preference for men and men only. You're cried yourself to sleep for over twenty times as much as you can remember. Countless of restless nights and stess filled days eating away at your emotional state for God knows how long. And that simple fact messed up your mental health for literal months. And yet... You allowed yourself to let him go. To move on from a crush on somebody you could never have. You improved yourself and you managed to mature in perspective. Time heals a person, is something you learned. And yet, that improvement might be crumbled to bits by his stupid gesture alone. Returning the exact same confession you had given him and behaving as if he didn't reject you.

You just narrowed your eyes a little as you couldn't help but feel slightly weirded out over the entire situation. This wasn't supposed to happen at all and you felt as if he was about to drag you through the mud.

“Kennith... With all due respect, did you get hit on the head and happen to forget about your homosexuality, or...?” you sarcastically spoke with slight snark, this scenario starting to piss you off more than you expected it to. In fact, you would have been on cloud nine if he said this to you about six months ago. But now? You felt as if you were being played with like a fiddle. It was as if you were being deceived for a fool and you weren't having it in the slightest. You managed to move on from your puppy crush on him ... And now he was trying to get you to like him again?

You crossed your arms as he noticeably gulped at your statement. You both knew you were right no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, he confirmed it himself for goodness sake! You just let out a small sigh, trying to cover up the overwhelming confusion you were feeling at the moment. Your eye was twitching a little that to hide the current anger that was starting to fill your veins. Why were you having this ‘heart-to-heart’ chitchat in the first place?

“You’re right. I only like men but... I can't help but feel like I love you” he spoke out without a single hint of shame, making you cringe a little in the process. You just blinked a few times, trying to take in his words and how foolish it all sounded. “Kennith...” you calmly exclaimed. “You like men. I'm a woman.” you bluntly spoke as you raised an eyebrow once more, trying to make him see the ridicule of his own words. Surely this had to click?

Nope.

“___... I love you ...” he spoke out with a blank tone and facial expression, making you take a step back in the process. It sounded as if he was brainwashed of some sorts... The sentence didn't even sound genuine, it reminded you of auto repeat if you were bluntly honest with yourself. You couldn't help but facepalm, muttering out an ‘you're stubborn...’ under your breath before you went back to stare at him with concern in your eyes. It went back and forth like that for a while. You tried to get your point across how unfair this entire situation was to you and how irrational he was behaving. That you didn't even want to like him as a romantic interest anymore for the sake of your own wellbeing, but Kennith didn't seem to take no as an answer. And you would be lying if you said that this argument wasn't getting the worst out of you. It felt like you were arguing with a child. No matter how neatly you tried to word out your thoughts, he wouldn't listen. And the whole situation was starting to take a toll on you too, your emotions all over the place due to this sudden accusation that he liked you like you liked him all this time. Which was a ridiculous thought on its own already. Eventually, you just snapped.

“damn it-! What will it take for you to open your eyes for once in a lifetime-!?” you hissed back as you could feel tears prickling in your eyes. You had made peace with the fact that he would never like you back, but you could feel all of that resentment slowly returning to where it originally was. All that pain from one simple past rejection crashing back down on you like an asteroid would.

You glared daggers at your the boy you once considered a friend. The boy you were once in love with. “... You don't like me at all. You just feel obligated to because you have nobody else...” you silently muttering out to yourself, looking to the side as you wiped your eye that was currently tearing up. “That’s not love. That's manipulation.” you spat as you directly spelled out the truth right infront of his nose. You shook your head as you bit your lip, trying to keep it from quivering and yourself from bawling your eyes out on the spot.

“You’re manipulating yourself too, get a grip.”

You coldly spoke out before turning around, ready to leave this mess of a conversation behind. But Kennith’s brown eyes couldn't help but widen as soon as you seemed determined to take your leave. And something that caught you even further off guard was his his hand having a tight grip on your arm in an instant, bruising your limb in the process and making you yelp out in pain. You tried to rip your arm from his grasp, but he wouldn't budge in the slightest, making you grow paranoid and even more emotional than before. You warned for him to let go, resistance and slight hostility in your once gentle voice. But he just continued to stare, piercing right through your soul with those blank features. You grew hesitant.

But you felt like your heart was about to burst out of your chest as he suddenly pulled you in, wrapping his arms around you in a tight grip as if you were a stress toy, his ‘embrace’ only growing more uncomfortable as time went on. You were just frozen in place, not expecting such a death grip from a fragile boy such as Kennith. He was holding onto you as if he would die if he didn't have you close for a mere second.What happened in those six months when you two grew apart? You couldn't help but shiver slightly as his hands caressed all over your back, seemingly trying to comfort you. But if anything, it only stressed you out even further and you swore you were on the verge of a panic attack. Your blood ran cold as soon as you felt a tiny sting on the side on your arm, getting one last glance of an injection needle and his last words managing to reach your ears.

“A label will not stop me from having you”

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danizbunbunz · 1 month

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HOPES CALAMITY (2/4)

- AU BY @danizmomota -

TW/CW: Blood, Brainwashing, Branding on humans, HUGE mention on Graphic Injuries, (in the form of writing) Drug usage, mention of executions, Basic Danganronpa stuff.

This is more info off of my Danganronpa AU called Hope's Calamity. If this is your first time hearing about this AU and are interested, and advise you click here to know more!

However if you already know about this AU, Let's get to the yapping!

☆ Remnant Transformation Process (RTP)

Now, you may be wondering. "How do the students become Remnants in the first place?" Well, it's a whole not-so fun process of becoming a true remnant of despair. First we need to explain the steps...

Number 1, Brainwashing.

Whenever Junko gets her hands onto a student, it's only natural for them to fight back against her in self defense, therefore she must hold them down along with her Monokumas and get them ready for the first step. With the help of a simple screening, she can successfully brainwash them into joining her side. The side of despair.

Number 2, Operations

Operations happen once the victim is brainwashed and unconscious, these operations are the most important step. Here we figure out how our new remnant is going to be presented.

Regular - A standard operation that examines the student for any external injuries. The only thing that Junko tinkers with is any internal injuries that the student had received. (Deep cuts, broken bones, etc.)

Take & Replace - An operation where certain limbs and or organs are removed and are replaced with new prosthetics/organs. Or (sometimes) not even replacing them at all. Just straight up dissection and dismemberment.

Modification - An operation that basically adds extra limbs/parts onto the preexisting body. This is sometimes paired with Take & Replace but since this operation is a long and tedious process, remnants who get this treatment end up being out of commission for longer.

And finally, Branding

Now just because they were brainwashed and operated on, doesn't mean we're done yet with the RTP. The final step is to the brand them under Junko.

Once they are finally branded, she finally lets them rest and heal up until they are ready for the destruction they will cause.

Those are usually the steps, however in worse cases that the “experiment” isn’t cooperating, (for example, not shutting up, fighting back, etc.) Brainwashing comes last. For every second, for every minute, for every hour. You feel everything.

☆ Remnant Regulations/Rules

If you fail a mission, disobey, or speak negatively about Junko, you receive punishment by getting your back sliced by Junko's knife. Regular remnants have only five "strikes" until they are fully punished in the form of execution. However Elite remnants (Yasuhiro, Aoi and Toko) only get three since they are expected to finish missions quicker, and professionally than most. (And that’s being generous.)

Speaking of the "punishments," whenever a remnant is being punished, most of the time it is a slow and painful ending, however Elite remnants suffer harsher punishment, mainly due to them being so high in rank, you'd think they'd do their job well by now...

Remnants are allowed to talk and socialize, but only for a period of time, Everyone is on a tight schedule here, and if you are gone from your post for too long, you are deemed suspicious. Cameras are everywhere. You can't hide from her. She knows your every move.

☆ Enhancement Drug

In the previous post, you may have noticed that this “Enhancement Drug” has been mentioned quite frequently, but why is it so important?

Well that’s because of its contents. The drug does exactly what it sounds like, it “Enhances” your performance. (Strength, Durability, Resistance, etc.) But again, this is a drug we’re talking about, so it may seem useful but this drug comes with a lethal consequence. Though the drug may make you feel powerful, it's slowly destroying you from the inside out, it'll make you forget everything, it'll make you lose yourself. the longer you are alive, the more it will slowly kill you quicker...

...Basically, it's a last resort.

Dani here again! Thank you for waiting patiently for more stuff of this AU! I've been procrastinating and I have my own life to deal with so sorry for the long wait lmaooo BUT don't worry! I'll have lot's more to shares soon! ^_^

#danganronpa #danganronpa au #my au #hopes calamity #hopes calamity au #lore dump #infodump #info dump #tw gore #tw blood #tw drugs #tw execution #tw brainwashing #tw branding #lord thats a lot of tws #but #DEAR LORD im SO SORRY that took foreverrrrr #I wasnt rlly busy tbh I was just lazy lmfaooo #but i didnt know if i wanted to add images this time or nahh so mbmb yall

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kyubey-the-incubator · 5 months

Note

(question for elsie because I gen do not know what it is)

-mod kopi

Haiiii okay okay okay so

An explanation of…all of this. Logistics included.

Maho Shoujos!

The name “magical girl” or “Maho Shoujo” comes from a trope in anime. They’re typically girls (often but not always teenaged) who transform into (often but not always really pretty and feminine) powered-up forms (often but not always with a classic “magical girl transformation sequence”) to fight for…like, Justice and love and stuff!

Typical example: PRETTY CURE!! AAAAAA MY CHILDHOOD!!

but like I said, they’re not always girls!

Cure wing my beloved I have never watched your show nor do I know your personality but if anything happened to you I would cry

anyways even the guys tend to be effeminate but ehhhhhh I ignore that for this.

The magical girls are usually fighting sadness itself, which (despite the fact that the shows’ tones tend to be very lighthearted and all-ages-friendly) can be handled with surprising maturity. Pretty cure is known for this. Note that animation in Japan is not as associated with children’s media as in the west, so stuff like Sailor moon (which…what age is sailor moon even for?? Like…guys???) can exist lol.

Madoka magica

ANYWAYS, every canon has its own rules, and Taocc runs on the Madoka system of magical girls!

Create a contract with this little guy, make your wish, and BAM! MAGICAL GIRL!

What could go wrong? WELL I’LL TELL YOU.

You see, madoka is a subversion and a deconstruction of the genre!

(TW going forward for very dark themes concerning despair, depression, and suicide. As well as spoilers for the main series of madoka Magica and magireco, but not rebellion)

The “sadness beings” here are called witches, and they are HORRIFYING. And consistently brainwash and kill people en masse (one witch organizes the mass suicide of like 20 people it’s insane), or trap them in psychological nightmare fuel dimensions called “labyrinths”. It’s WACK /pos.

Magical girls fight witches to sustain their soul gems. The witches drop grief seeds, which “purify” the gem. It acts kind of like a power meter, magic well, and reflection of the girl’s sanity. What happens when the soul gem breaks? The girl dies. If it fully taints…well, where do you think the witches come from?

TL;DR, I’d you take the contract, you’re doomed to become an eldritch monster. The wish is fulfilled almost exactly as you wanted, but that often has consequences you didn’t expected. No monkey’s-paw shenanigans, just your own shortsightedness.

This seems like a good time to explain exactly what the madoka-Taocc lore/functionality is, because I play VERY fast and loose with it. Get ready for logistical MADNESS.

The Kyubey part functions as normal. Madoka’s epic sacrifice to “destroy all witches forever” DOES NOT FUNCTION IN TAOCC. I REPEAT, IF YOUR CHARACTER WITCHES OUT, THEY STAY A WITCH UNLESS THEIR SEED IS RECHARGED.

Rebellion is not canon/has not happened yet. If any of you have seen rebellion, you know the elephant in the room that would mess up everything.

The Doppel system from Magireco does function, but is powered down. You can summon a version of your witch form and use that to clear your soul gem, buuuut it’s not going to function as a replacement for grief seeds, and often goes very out of control. See: Kitsune during sun’s wedding.

A character can use a witch’s grief seed as a weapon. This is not canon at all to the madoka universe, and is Taocc exclusive. Possessing a grief seed allows you to use the witch’s weapon and some of their powers. Recharging the seed with grief enough allows the chance to summon the magical girl, but nobody else can see them or really interact with them.

The “familiars turning into witches” thing does not function here. No way am I getting into that.

Magireco is only somewhat canon, as an isolated timeline, and ONLY ARC 1 IS CANON AT ALL. The Doppel system works, but Infinite Iroha, like Madokami, basically does not exist for the sake of simplicity.

Yes, the world of madomagi is connected to the circus, but not in the same way as, say, the kingdom. To them, the circus is inside a computer. No, you cannot go there.

TBH, quick retcon: Kitsune’s old team’s names and personalities are not what they were up until now, they’re unnamed. She was the one who crashed sun’s wedding. Canon characters, for the sake of our sanity, do not functionally exist and will not be doing anything. Only the system exists in the circus.

Trust me, almost none of the mechanical/canon messes really exist to do anything but make things easier on me. The supplementary material makes things a logistical MESS, so almost none of it is canon except the doppels from magireco. I all but boiled the system down to its basic components for everyone’s sakes.

I am. This close. To decanonizing Madoka’s crossover and trying to just make an expy instead. For my own sanity.

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httpskuzuu · 1 year

Text

Softer Pt.2

I like October, it's my birthday month, and I finally finished the second part of Softer :p

Anyway, I think you can tell that I like the word need, necesitar, in Spanish or English sounds good :D and this is my favorite part, I think, I really like how they both turned out

Yandere!Fyodor x Reader

English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes

sumary: You tried to escape and now you have to take the consequences, but you make something change in Fyodor... (but the part 2 >:p) Pt.1

tw: yandere behavior, kidnapping, explicit self-harms, blood, manipulation, brainwashing, stockholm syndrome, reader needs therapy, self-blame, suicidal thoughts, mention of death (no one dies), blood loss, manipulation, trauma, mention of god, Fyodor is a fucking tw

It was three phases from your confession and your punishment.

Everything was perfect and nice for the first two weeks, until your cuts became scars. He seemed to go out of his way to make you feel good and loved by him, and you were very grateful. Now, you feel ungrateful to be complaining about his change.

After six weeks, your ribs healed and he began to distance you. When you noticed that, you panicked, you cried whole nights and days in your room because of this fact, how was it possible that something like this had affected you so much? You don't even know yourself, you just know that you wanted to pull out every hair on your body to forget about the emotional pain you were carrying.

And now, well, you can't be so horrible and say that Fyodor is back to his usual self, it's more like a strange mix, that comforts you. That this Fyodor is a mix of the previous ones makes you think he's trying to be gentle, but he's having a difficult time. You like to opine that that's the right reason for not sinking you further.

You wish you could say you hate normal Fyodor, but you can't hate any part of Fyodor and that worries you. What's been happening to you? Why are you behaving this way? Always looking for the terrorist's cold touch like an abandoned dog. Always waiting for him like a dog, loving him like one, messy, intense and ready to die for your owner.

Your mind was broken, atrophied and without any hope of repair. That scares you. You don't want this! You want your mind back! You miss being able to think about something else that isn't related to Fyodor. It's like being an intruder in your own mind, you no longer belong in that place full of happy memories, now blurred.

Sometimes you love your useless mind, you love believing in him the way you do, and you love how that seems to satisfy him. Maybe that's all your mind is looking for: to satisfy him.

Speaking of satisfying: he no longer seems to enjoy punishing you, which completely disorients you. All your life you were assuming that the only way to satisfy Fyodor was to let him mistreat you, but now? Now he was only touching you to give you light caresses. You don't want to be an idiot, you love that now your body doesn't suffer, but that doesn't take away from the fact that a small part of your skin is missing the pain. It's as if you were created to be hurt.

You convince yourself that you are ungrateful. Fyodor has changed for you, and you play the victim, saying that everything is so weird, poor you. You can't think about anything else besides yourself because you are a bad person, because you don't deserve the change Fyodor made for you.

It's not like before, everything is so much more comfortable in his presence, even if afterward he disappears for hours and makes your mind a prison of horrible thoughts, thoughts of firmly believing that it's your fault he's gone.

Physical contact has also changed, it is somewhat more common than with normal Fyodor, but it is nothing compared to gentle Fyodor. It really hurts you inside every time he is in front of you, and he isn't touching you or talking to you. Something is broken, and you don't quite know why. How needy of attention have you become in this time?

What did Fyodor do with your mind? You don't know. The horror of what he did to you is still in you, lurking like a shadow. It won't go away.

Sometimes there's a little voice deep in the back of your head, the only sane part left in you. It shows up on dark nights, when you're alone, makes you realize all the shit Fyodor put you through and how much he fucked up your mental health. You like having that little voice, it feels like getting over Fyodor somehow, it's a shame it disappears the next morning along with the first bite of breakfast.

Even though you listen to it, you never mind it, and that can be noticed by the need to not be able to bear it anymore, you need Fyodor so badly. You miss him every time he's gone. You miss the person who hurt you.

Maybe you really are going crazy.

You think about the fact that Fyodor took care of you after the punishment, when you were moribund and almost unable to move from the pain, and that his kind behavior ended after all your damages were healed.

You were about to do something crazy, you were aware of it, but you would give anything to feel that angelic temperature change again.

You have a sharp knife in your hand, you squeeze it so hard that your fist turns white. Fyodor never hides sharp objects, only pills, he knows you wouldn't be able to kill yourself with them out of fear.

Something tells you to kill yourself, to teach Fyodor a lesson.

Again your ungrateful thoughts come back, he already told you, you are just a brat. A fucking brat, and what you were doing now proves it.

But can you really blame yourself for this? You just need his attention, you need that love in his hands, you need him to care so much about you that he locks every drawer in the house.

That's why you're here now, in the bathroom, with your elbows resting on the sink and the knife almost brushing against your clean arm. About to kill a part of you to keep his gentleness alive.

You think about whether it's possible that he might be angry with you for this, for staining your skin with wounds without his permission. You think if he gets angry and punishes you it will also be worth it because there is a chance he will take care of you after that like the first time.

Maybe all you need to do is talk it over with him, maybe you need his naked body against yours to keep control, or maybe a simple kiss would be better. Maybe you should relax, maybe you should ask him for a hug, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe….

A cut and the blood starts to spread. You feel an immense urge to vomit, and you regret everything that led you to this moment.

You drop the knife limply and cover the wound with your now free hand. You watch the scene you've made for yourself with wide, shocked eyes. Why did you do all this? Just for Fyodor's attention? How pathetic of you.

You're like a child, crying and screaming, having a tantrum to get what you want.

You don't even heed your thoughts, and your gaze returns to the knife lying in the sink. The fright has dissipated and only silence remains. You need to cut more, how will you make Fyodor care about you with just one cut? You need more, you need to tear your arm if you have to, take your skin off, anything.

It's just a cut.

You move your hand away from the wound, blood is still coming out, but you don't care. You grab the knife, careful not to let it slip through the red fluid, and keep cutting.

It's just a cut, a few cuts, many cuts.

You stop when you get dizzy and lose your balance, drop the knife on the floor and miraculously you don't fall with it. You lean against the wall behind you and watch as the floor fills with your dripping blood. It's too much, too much, oh God, now you're going to die, aren't you? Is that what's going to happen?

You deserve to die, or at least you convince yourself of it, you're just a useless entity in Fyodor's house, what other function do you do here besides pursuing him? It would be like a punishment for being so selfish, for loving Fyodor so much.

Sometimes it surprises you how much you hate yourself just because you are you. Would you hate Fyodor the same way if he were like you? You don't even need to think about it, you already know the answer.

You hear footsteps outside the bathroom. Of course, you made some noise when you dropped the knife and almost fell yourself in the process. Fyodor had to notice, wait, that meant that Fyodor was paying attention to you and the noises you were making. He could just stay absorbed in his work, but no, he's here now.

Three soft knocks on the door are enough to make you tremble.

"Everything okay?"

You cry the instant you hear his voice, yes, there's the soft Fyodor. You recognize hints of tenderness and concern in his voice., you can recognize it.

You shouldn't have cut yourself off, now you change your mind and you don't want Fyodor to see you this way, weak and unbearable. If he realizes that you can't live without him by your side, you're sure he'll leave you, that you'll be too annoying for him and he'll go back to being his old self, this time forever, or until he gets rid of you, until he finds someone better than you. That would be easy.

If there is a God up there, you beg him to let you die. There is no answer. You're left to face your actions alone.

"I've done a stupid thing…"

You still have time to think better of it, you can still barricade yourself in the bathroom and die there. But these are your actions, your consequences.

You shakily open the door.

The look on Fyodor's face is one you've never seen, that keeps you from lowering your head with shame. You've never seen so many emotions in him, all at once, like a whirlpool.

Have you been able to generate that? You don't know whether to consider it a good or bad thing, but a flow of pride runs through your veins.

Fyodor whispers your name, breathless, his accent thickening even more. A part of you actually believed that what you did to yourself would not affect him in any way, how foolish, of course it would affect him. He is human, you are human, but still something tells you that Fyodor is anything but human. His eyes now show you otherwise.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry! I'm such an idiot! I didn't mean to bother you."

Fyodor takes only a few seconds to drag you back into the bathroom. He turns on the sink faucet and guides your arm down the stream of water. It hurts like hell, but complaining doesn't even cross your mind, after all, Fyodor probably stopped doing something important just to cure your mess, you can't give him any more trouble.

Your mind would like to escape your body, but you don't let it because without it you wouldn't be able to feel Fyodor behind you, pressing his chest against your scarred back.

As he runs a soaked towel against your cuts, you decide to lean against him, he doesn't push you away, and you take it as a small victory.

Your brain won't let you enjoy of the moment, giving you reminders of everything the Russian had done to you: the scars on your back, all over your body, the agonizing nightmares, the silent and devastating nights. All a fucking reminder, and yet here you are, against his body.

Your thoughts linger in that confined space until your arm is tight between messy bandages. His hand reaches for yours and your fingers intertwine.

You fear his potential annoyance, his potential punishment. He provokes unique feelings in you, and you love him, but he is terrible, he is just terrible.

Fyodor lets out a sigh, and you know instantly that you are selfish. He is tired, he has better things to do besides taking care of a brat, but still he is still with you. Fyodor is such a merciful being when it came to you, he wouldn't be this way with anyone else, only you. You feel your chest tighten with warmth.

"Fyodor…" You don't want to speak too loudly or break the silence in the room. You try to keep your thoughts in the same rhythm as your voice, quiet and low. You need to be okay, for Fyodor's sake.

"Why?" He squeezes your hand. There is no emotion in his voice, and you feel guilty of your disappointment at that. "Why did you do it?"

"I-" The words decided not to come out of your mouth and closed your throat in a knot, a very painful knot.

What were you supposed to say? Wouldn't admitting your need for attention make you sound like a spoiled child? A brat?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you." You say hastily, trying to find words to make Fyodor happy, so he won't hate you for your reckless actions.

"You don't bother me." Bullshit, Fyodor is an almost pathological liar, you should know that, it should be burned into your memory. You'd like to believe him. "Is this why you did all this? Because you think you're bothering me?"

You wish the answer was as easy as that. You shake your head.

"Then why?"

"I needed you." It's not a good explanation, there are a lot of loose questions left, but how else can you tell him? Every time you speak, it's like scratching your throat.

"Needed me? You mean my attention?" You nod, feeling a humiliation run down your throat. "I was with you all these days, what more attention do you want from me?"

It's like a stabbing, like the cuts he gave you on your back. It showed, from afar, you were just a pet that can't be away from its owner or it would break into pieces. You shouldn't be crying either, you have no good reason to.

"Hey, no, stop." He turns your body without effort. All you do is keep your head down, full of shame, though it doesn't last long, as his free hand lifts it up and lands against your cheek. You don't deserve it, you can't even stop crying. "What did I say? Why are you crying this time?"

"I'm a spoiled brat." You lean against his cold hand, you needed his touch so badly.

"You're not, you just wanted me to give you attention, that's not a bad thing."

"It is! I'm being selfish." The sobs interrupt you, and you close your eyes, you don't want to look at Fyodor. How can you ask for love and attention from Fyodor when you yourself don't know how to love properly?

"Selfish? Why?" Your reason that the only reason for his question is to make you humiliate yourself, to make you admit that you are a nuisance.

"B-Because you were probably busy, I'm just bothering you trying to get your attention…"

"I want you to pay close attention to me right now, can you do that?" Even if you couldn't do it, you would anyway. You're not lying when you nod in response. He's all you can think about and fixate on, everything else is ephemeral and useless, nothing else is needed for you.

"Good... You don't bother me, I understand you want more attention from me, I made your mind that way anyway. Stop feeling bad about doing things you're programmed to do." Hearing him admit that, is like a war in your head, you should care that Fyodor played with your mind like a stuffed animal, but what you should is not the same as what you do. It feels like a relief to know that it is Fyodor is causing it all, and it's nicer than you ever imagined.

Your mind will never go back to normal after this. You will never be the same after this. That's okay, you can live with it as long as you have Fyodor by your side.

You collapse against him, hugging him with no intention of letting go. He accepts you in his arms. Now everything is warm again like it was that time, you needed it so badly after everything that had happened.

"It's just that you've been acting more distant and I thought-" Do you really want to keep talking and sobbing nonsense? You have no intended trajectory with your words.

You just hope Fyodor understands you, it's the only thing that will give you calm.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's okay, no need to cry anymore, моя крошка." His hands on your back undeniably comfort you. His touch feels like fire, but it doesn't burn, it just leaves a trail of warmth and desire everywhere it passes.

You are a sensitive, desperate mess, and no one knows how to love you but Fyodor. He is the God you have always pleaded to, now you understand why he never granted your wish to die.

"This is strange for me. I've never cared for anyone before, and I really don't want to hurt you unintentionally." And there's your long-awaited why. It's warmer than you could have ever thought, your heart is silently grateful. He's trying, that's good enough for you.

Maybe you can't go back to that first day of care after punishment, maybe you can't go back to that new and gentle Fyodor, but those are things that happen and that's okay.

You nod, oblivious to your own reality, everything feels correct. "I get it, it's okay, yeah. You don't have to worry, I'm fine now."

But you keep crying.

You don't know or need to know how long you stood there, holding each other as if both of your lives depended on it. In total silence until Fyodor's voice broke it. No doubt that's your favorite tune.

"моя любовь, I never responded properly to your confession, did I?" He never did, but he never denied it. There was always a glimmer of hope that you took as the word yes, as total acceptance of your feelings.

You look at him with enlightened eyes, you wished that what your mind was imagining was real.

"I love you too."

Fyodor's love is paralyzing. You notice it now.

my favorite part is the dog part, idk, I like how it turned out

#bsd x reader #bsd x you #bsd fyodor #fyodor x reader #fyodor x y/n #fyodor x you #fyodor #yandere fyodor #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #bsd x y/n #yandere bsd #yandere

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imagoddamnonionmason · 4 months

Note

Helloooo my dear! For the ask game, for Jodie pls <3 1,3 and 12!

asdfghjkl I thought I'd answered this but I must have dreamt that - looked at my inbox like 'I swear... oh fuCK-'

I, therefore, apologise if it seemed I ignored the ask <3

So, questions for Jodie!

CW/TW: death mention. Not in too much detail.

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget?

Her brother's death. Perseus punished her for a mission gone very wrong, due to her own actions. Everything she had done up until that point had been to keep him safe and now? Well, now she was the very reason he was taken away. She'll never forget the look on his face, pleading with her to save him, but being unable to.

Yeah, that's a memory she'd rather forget than carry with her for the rest of her life.

What's even worse is that she ends up reliving that grief over again when she regains her memories - but I suppose there's a reprieve in the fact that, for a short while, that memory was well and truly forgotten.

3. what is your OCs fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

So, I'd say that her fatal flaw, to begin with, was her misuse of trust; she trusted the wrong people, or trusted too easily. It's kind of hard to formulate exactly how I feel about this. But, down at the bare bones of it, Jodie's trust was an issue. She trusted in Perseus too quickly, which got her the ticket to a life of extremism and helping a man/faction that did not have aligning morals with her own. Then, she trusted a CIA agent, Keith Wells, who turned out to be a mole, which got her into the whole mess with Adler and being brainwashed.

On the flip side, when she is betrayed by these people, she's left feeling completely aimless. Who should she trust, can she trust herself, is her judgement to be trusted.

I don't feel like I've answered this particular part of the question to the best of my ability because the words needed to accurately depict what I feel about this currently evade me. But, once I've been able to get my thoughts together, this is something I will come back to.

Otherwise, I suppose another (sometimes fatal) flaw to throw into the mix is that she sometimes lets the red mist take control of her actions, which is something she is not proud of and really hates about herself because she normally is such a meticulous thinker; if she is doing something without thinking about the consequences, she's probably really pissed.

12. Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

Not in extreme ways - I'm not entirely certain if such a thing could be classed as self-destructive, but I'd say that, after Solovetsky, her convincing herself that she's some sort of monster, someone with so much blood on their hands and so is undeserving of friendship, love, of being trusted, leads to her being overcautious about things, people. For months after she returns to the CIA she convinces herself that she's only useful as an asset, even if it dehumanises her.

I hope that makes some semblance of sense!!

~~~~~<3~~~~~

@alypink thank you so much for the ask, as always it's a pleasure seeing you in my inbox!! These questions were actually pretty tough to answer, but those are the best kind for understanding your own characters, so thank you again!!

Have an absolutely smashing day, love! <3

Goose~

#call of duty #black ops cold war #cod bell #cod bell oc #cod oc #ask meme #gooseanswers #jodie hall #yeah I did fumble these answers because they were hard to put into words #internally I know the vibe I know what I mean #thank youuuu again love!

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furiousgoldfish · 2 years

Text

system update #4 (triggers for lots of trauma mention)

Last update was very recent, and I talked about how my alters changed roles and the demon is now protecting me. This culminated into a lot of reveals.

The way demon was protecting me was so off and upsetting, I started wondering what the demon’s age was, because I couldn’t tell by their appearance. Their behaviour is overly childish, and I became worried that a child was trying to protect me, an adult, which is unacceptable.

I didn’t know the demon very well, they’re the last alter to come forward, and I now wondered what their origin was. I thought, at first, it was a demon, because it held so much desire for vengeance, so it had to be somewhat animalistic and primal. I didn’t pay a lot of mind to it, I didn’t think very hard on it. Now, I started suspecting it could have something to do with the fact that I was often called a demon when I was a young kid.

I researched the non-human alters and my suspicions were confirmed; this article explains in detail all possible origins of non-human alters, and some of it is indeed, being called a demon, being treated like an animal, being told you were possessed by a demon, being called a monster. And coincidentally, all of these things happened to me, under the age of 7. This meant, that the demon was rooted in a VERY young age and they are in fact, younger than my child alter! And on top of that, they’re stuck in belief that they’re a demon due to brainwashing for this entire time, and I didn’t notice!

I was immediately devastated, because even though I remembered the abuse, I just didn’t think it would leave such dire consequences; I was able to somewhat cope with the abuse as a kid, and have concluded early on that the person who did this to me, was sick and out of their mind, and I cut them off at the age of 11 (even though we were still living in the same house, I wasn’t talking to them.) And I also believed this abuser’s mental and emotional capacity to be so low, I could psychologically battle them even at the age of child. I convinced myself that I was stronger, as a child, than an insane adult person.

(tw for recounting trauma)

The abuser was my grandmother, and I was left alone with her, from the age of one, for extended periods of times. She is narcissistic, but also I believe she was capable of inflicting delusions on herself. For instance, she would convince both me and herself, that I’m not a child, but some kind of animal or a demon, who deserved to be beaten up, locked in the basement, humiliated endlessly, controlled and forced into labour. She would also throw rage tantrums randomly, where she would lock me in a room and chase and beat me, and afterwards, I’d be forced to comfort her and accept full responsibility for what she’d done, and apologize. Later on, she projected someone who died onto me, and expected me to replace this person and be a source of emotional comfort to her, which at the age of 6, I was hardly capable of; I would get beaten for failing to meet that expectation. Then still later on, I managed to move myself out of her room (where I was often locked up) into another room, and I was never forgiven; she would stand in front of my room and scream for hours, about how I was evil, how I was brought to this world only to cause her pain, how I was enjoying her pain, she’d blame me for everything that ever happened to her, to the family, to the entire world. She also called me animal names and the worst insults that I’ve ever heard of in my life.

This was of course, mixed with her crying about how much she loved me and how she sacrificed everything for me and how nobody will ever love me as much as she does and I’m her everything. So as a kid, I was confused. I didn’t know if love was just like that.

The screaming was impossible to block out, and I was becoming suicidal due to it, starting to believe I really was an existence of evil who only brings pain to everyone, and I wished to disappear. Then I realized the screaming was making me suicidal and that if I don’t do something, she was going to kill me. I cut her off and refused to speak to her. It took her one year to notice. She would simply make up whatever she wanted me to say, and continue the conversation as if I said that thing. I realized by this, that she didn’t love me. How would she not notice that I wasn’t speaking to her for an entire year?

When she did figure it out, she pressured all other family members to guilt me into speaking to her, and of course, everyone did come and tell me I was horrible, selfish, hurtful, abusive, heartless and evil for ignoring my ever so loving grandmother. I realized they would all have me die by her hand. I didn’t cave in. Grandmother was still beating me up until I managed to get so psychotic and numb, I started laughing at her while she was beating me, telling her I don’t even feel that, or that I like it. It freaked her out. She was superstitious, and a crazy child laughing manically at her, reveling in pain, was too much for her, and she quit beating me, since it wasn’t giving her any pleasure anymore.

So I felt like I dealt with that! Even though grandmother was extremely dangerous to a small child she could brainwash into anything, as soon as I had some mental capacity, I fought back! I was able to cut her out even though we were in the same house, I got her to stop beating me! And her projection of a dead person worked in my favour too, because she couldn’t handle it if I was openly telling her I hate her, it was causing her some damage, so she would back off.

But apparently, I didn’t escape that situation with no consequences. I mean, I knew I was extremely sensitive to people thinking I was evil, I also believed that if someone beat me, it was 100% my fault and I had to apologize to them (but my parents also agreed with that and also beat me and then told me I did that to myself, countless times, so it wasn’t just grandma building up that grooming). I was also weak to people hurting me then crying about it, since I was conditioned very young to comfort them and to apologize and take full blame. I did grow up believing that deep inside I was a monster; actually, it wasn’t until my adulthood I was able to grasp that I’m actually human. I had a moment where my brain just screamed at me ‘you’re a full human being, not an animal, not a demon! you’re just like everyone else! you have human rights!’ and it was a heavy thing to swallow, because it meant that a lot of things done to me were wrong, but I did it, I declared myself human, I took it seriously and learned some of my human rights and repeated them until I started believing it.

So I thought that was that, and that I was over it. I didn’t feel anything anymore about being beaten or called a demon, I thought that was just the past and the person who did it was not of a healthy mind anyway.

But, I was wrong. There was a part of me still stuck in there. Still believing they’re a demon, even taking a demon appearance and trying to act like a demon, trying to act strong and ruthless and dangerous. And even I fell for that act. I thought the demon was dangerous at first. I kept it asleep. I didn’t want to give it attention or to look into it. I neglected it. I didn’t notice all until me and the demon started interacting more, and even though they don’t speak, their actions were so childish and people-pleasing, I had to get suspicious and figure it out. I’m not just devastated, I’m livid!

To allow a narcissistic person to convince a child they’re a demon, and then a part of this child ends up transforming into one, and keeps being a demon for decades?! The grandmother, for who I have zero regards as a human being, she is still inside of my head, controlling how I see myself? Making my small child self act like a little demon, to please her delusions, to excuse her abuse? It’s still going on!?

And the worst is, I can’t even do anything about it right away! The demon flinches away from me at the very implication it might be something else, and not a demon, they’re extremely resistant to any kind of change! And I can’t blame them!! It’s so much less painful to believe that yes, I’m an evil demon, so of course I’m being beat up and locked down, I’m dangerous to humans! Of course I’m being treated inhumanely and like a dangerous animal, that’s because I am! The devastation of realizing that no, you’re actually a human child, being abused by another human, for no other reason than to satisfy that other human’s needs, and without doing anything wrong, without being any danger or threat, you’re being tortured and you’re helpless to fight back. That’s excruciating to be aware of! Of course the demon will fight me and do anything and everything to stop this realization from coming forward, and they’re a little kid too! They can’t even handle it!!

All I can do right now is let that demon keep their act and give them space and try to slowly get closer to them, with hope that they’ll also grow a little, get a bit more mental capacity, get unstuck, and realize it on their own. It could take years. I don’t know what else to do, the demon will cut me out if I push it.

I’ve been upset and sad for two days about it now, I keep having breakdowns about it, and I got sick. My ex-protector is talking to me a little now, and they seem willing to protect me emotionally, at least a little, and it’s a great comfort, because I’ve been feeling very lost without them. Demon can’t be a protector, they’re more badly damaged than I am, and younger and more helpless, and convinced they’re a demon. I’m so sad that this is going on and that I have to live with it for longer. I don’t want to believe that I’m a demon, just because I was exposed to a narcissist so early on and absorbed so much of their abuse. And for now I get no choice.

#did #trauma #narcissistic abuse #system update #osdd #demon alter #origins of demon alters #painful story #recounting past trauma

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thebean-17 · 1 year

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TW: Suicide, conversion therapy, religion

In my opinion, it's not fair to compromise your gender identity just to please others. I don't think it should be compromised to begin with. I've heard many people, especially those close to me, express the idea that if someone were to transition or come out as gay or bisexual, that "they should be aware of the potential consequences and know that people aren't going to accept them." (This is real btw).

LGBTQ+ folks are well aware of these realities, which is why Pride Month exists and why we continuously advocate for our rights to simply be ourselves as human beings among others. The need to conceal our sexuality and gender identity also stems from these challenges, because of people not accepting us.

But I repeat, it's not fair to compromise your gender identity just to please others. If someone gives you an ultimatum, saying they'll leave, resent you, or that you'll make your relationship/family unhappy if you transition, it's better to let go of that toxic situation. By doing so, you're freeing yourself to walk your own path instead of being confined to someone else's expectations. That person has proven to you that they are not worth fighting for, nor are they worth the headache. And yes, I am aware that people go through different experiences, some that are harsher than others if they come out to someone, and it's unfortunate.

But why sacrifice YOUR identity? Why compromise on something that can't be compromised to begin with?

Please, don't even consider going through conversion therapy to salvage a relationship, whether it's with family, a partner, or a friend. Trust me, it's not worth it. Conversion therapy is nothing but a messed-up way to manipulate and brainwash someone. Being transgender is not a choice, and someone cannot simply "stop being trans." Gender identity is a deeply ingrained part of a person's identity, and attempting to suppress or deny it can have serious negative consequences for an individual's well-being.

The rate for transgendered and non-binary youth who have considered suicide is around 45%.

"LGBTQ youth are not inherently prone to suicide risk because of their sexual orientation or gender identity but rather placed at higher risk because of how they are mistreated and stigmatized in society." - The Trevor Project

Another thing that bothers me is how some people bring religion into the discussion. They say things like, "Why would someone want to transition when they're already beautiful?" or "Transitioning is going against God," or even "You're messing up the body that God gave you."

I apologize, but expressing these views can be more harmful than helpful. The underlying assumption that being transgender is inherently wrong or against the natural order can be hurtful and dismissive towards transgender individuals. Being transgender simply means that someone's gender identity doesn't match the sex they were assigned at birth. It's not about "messing up" one's body; it's a natural expression of their authentic self.

Not only that, being trans isn't just about external beauty, rather it's about it is about reducing/alleviating gender dysphoria, finding inner congruence, and living authentically. And don't you think by saying "they're already beautiful the way they are" implies that the person isn't going to be beautiful after they've transitioned?

One thing I often come across is the misconception that being transgender is just a trendy thing. But the truth is, being transgender is not a trend at all. It's not some new fad. It's simply another aspect of human diversity, just like bisexuality, being gay, or lesbian. We need to shift our perspective and stop treating it as something new. It's not limited to America either; it's a global reality. Saying that "Being trans is a trend" is a harmful narrative that trivializes the experiences of transgender individuals. And no, people aren't identifying as trans due to social contagion. It's just people being sick and tired of continually being silenced, quiet, and dealing with bigotry.

And just because it appears to be a trend doesn't necessarily mean it is. What is becoming a trend is awareness of gender dysphoria. What is trending is the acceptance for trans folk to be who they are in USA and Canada. Being able to access healthcare is a trend. The underlying condition, however, is not. And this statement might not apply for other countries that still treat non-binary and trans people like dirt. This isn't to say trends are bad, as the examples I mentioned. But when people say that being genderqueer is trendy means that the person is saying that we're just doing it for attention.

This person I used to know, my ex, assumed that I started using he/she/they pronouns simply because I travelled to the USA (never travelled) and got influenced or confused. They never bothered to ask for any explanation or inquire about my background. Simply put, we know why they're my ex and continue to stay as such. 💅

Being different isn't trendy, conformity is.

Check out the history of left-handed people. They used to get labelled as the devil, witches, or just plain unlucky. They faced suspicion, discrimination, and even got imprisoned or persecuted. Some were even forced to tie down or sit on their left hand. The reason we see more lefties nowadays isn't some magical switch, it's because society has become more accepting of differences. In recent decades, people have become more tolerant, and that's why we have a greater number of left-handed individuals. It's because of acceptance.

Throughout human history, transgender and queer individuals have existed in different countries and cultures. So, it's completely incorrect and misinformed to suggest that they are seeking attention or it's just a fad.

Christine Jorgensen (1926-1989) - An American trans woman who became widely known for having one of the first publicly-known gender reassignment surgeries in the 1950s. She had a successful career as an actress, singer, and recording artist. Jorgensen was drafted into the U.S. Army during World War II. After she served as a military clerical worker, Jorgensen attended several schools, worked, and pursued a photography career. During this time, she learned about sex reassignment surgery and travelled to Europe, where in Copenhagen, Denmark, she obtained special permission to undergo a series of operations beginning in 1952. Source: Wikipedia.

Lili Ilse Elvenes, better known as Lili Elbe or Elbe (1882-1931) - A Danish painter and transgender woman who underwent gender reassignment surgery in the early 1930s. Her story was portrayed in the book "The Danish Girl" and later adapted into a film. Read more on Wikipedia.

Alan L. Hart (1890-1962) - An American physician, radiologist, tuberculosis researcher, writer, and novelist. Hart pioneered the use of x-ray photography in tuberculosis detection and helped implement TB screening programs that saved thousands of lives. As a fiction author, Hart published over 9 short stories and 4 novels, which incorporated drama, romance, and medical themes. Source: Wikipedia.

Albert Cashier (1843-1915) - An Irish-born immigrant who served as a soldier in the Union Army during the American Civil War. Cashier was assigned female at birth but lived as a man throughout his life. Read more on Wikipedia.

In ancient Greece, Phrygia (a kingdom in Asia Minor), and Rome, there were priests called Galli (singular: Gallus) who served the goddess Cybele, also known as the Great Mother of the Gods or Magna Mater in Rome, and her consort Attis. These priests, who were male-bodied, dressed in saffron robes, wore makeup, adorned themselves with pendants and earrings, had long hair, used perfumes, practiced self-castration, and participated in rituals and practices associated with femininity. The origins of this cult are believed to be in Mesopotamia, with later influence in Greece. Some scholars speculate that these priests may have been trans women.

Other articles or resources on the Galli:

→ Galli: Ancient Roman Priests by Nikolai Endres

→ The priests and priestesses – the Galli and the Archigallus

→ Don’t be a Drag, Just be a Priest: The Clothing and Identity of the Galli of Cybele in the Roman Republic and Empire

Hijras, also known as Aravani, Jagappa, or Kinnar individuals, are male-bodied people who identify as trans women or fall under the trans or non-binary umbrella. They are recognized as a distinct third gender that are neither man or woman. Hijras are believed to possess special abilities to grant blessings or cast curses related to fertility and marriage. While "Hijra" is commonly used in South Asia, in Pakistan, community activists advocate for the use of the inclusive and socially conscious term "khwaja sira." This term encompasses individuals who identify as transgender, intersex, cross-dressers, gender non-conforming individuals, or eunuchs.

"The Hijra have been subject to discrimination, harassment, and persecution for their genderqueer self-identification. Along with the queer community, Hijras have been targeted by law enforcement and government officials under Section 377. This law was used to criminalize any queer sexual acts and has been used to justify discrimination and mistreatment of the LGBTQ+ community since its enactment in British colonial era India." - UAB (Institute for Human Rights Blog)