Light's end has always bothered me for multiple reasons (the biggest of which is it not actually being his fault that he lost therefore robbing me of a greater poetic justice but you can't win 'em all), but I think one nobody really talks about is that,,,Light wasn't afraid to die.
Well—he WAS, at the beginning, but part of the reason I'm so obsessed with his relationship with Ryuk is because Ryuk's existence was a constant threat to Light's life. And yet Light never once seemed afraid of him, or tried to cozy up to him, or even attempted manipulate Ryuk into doing things for him. Sure, he bribed him sometimes into going along with his plans, but he was friends with Ryuk. Or—as close to friends as I assume a Light Yagami and a Shinigami can get.
But before Light meets Ryuk, he 100% believes that he's going to die. His frenzy those first few days can be attributed not to any moral righteousness, but to a desperate sort of resignation. Light thinks that he's sold his soul after killing those first two men, so instead of destroying the Death Note, he immediately sets out to make as big of an impact as possible. He wants to go out with a bang! He wants to be remembered! Light is afraid of death in those first days—but he also comes to terms with it somewhere between killing Otoharada and Ryuk showing up. He was ready to go with Ryuk quietly if he was there to take his life or his soul.
But then—he learns that he's not going to die.
The face of a boy excited and relieved.
Light learns that there are no consequences to using the Death Note.
THIS is when he starts getting cocky, when he starts to actually convince himself of all that moral stuff he spouts.
But he's still not afraid of death.
Oh he's afraid of being caught, for sure, and after L humiliated him on live television, he might've even been afraid of execution. Because he'd seen firsthand just how quickly L could turn the tables on him, how he could make Kira look foolish. And Light definitely does not want to be remembered as foolish.
I don't think Light was afraid of actually DYING though, because when Ryuk says "You know I could just kill you", Light laughs. Literally laughing in the face of death. Light KNOWS that Ryuk will eventually kill him, but as long as he goes down the way he wants—on HIS terms—it's fine. Ryuk claiming that he'd be the one to finally end Light might've even been a relief, considering how Light's mind works. A god can only be killed by another god, etc. etc. 'Killed By A Real-life Shinigami' sounds metal as FUCK. Top-tier way to die if you're as much of a gloryhound as Light.
And one thing that irks me is that—the five year gap kind of,,,,takes that, from Light. Light spends so long on top of the world with no real challenge that by the time that Near and Mello show up, he's far more arrogant than he was when he was up against L. Light is, once more, afraid of death. He's lost that tolerance he built up in those pivotal first few days, and he goes out, not in a blaze of glory like he wanted, but clawing and pleading to live like a dog.
Light lost his recklessness, his impatience, his acceptance of the inevitable because he believed that he could now change the inevitable—all somewhere in that five year time skip.
This makes him less likely to get caught, yes, but it also takes away that—that teenage dauntlessness that he had at the beginning. Pre-skip Light feared L and L alone. Only the idea of being caught by someone who could truly tear him down frightened him. Not even death compared.
And I suppose that Light's spiralling at the end is a sort of poetic justice in this case?? But it's not the one I wanted.
I wanted Light's recklessness to blow up in his face. I wanted his carefully curated plans ruined by his own impatient hand. I wanted him to go down much as he probably first intended—in a blaze of glory. I wanted his fall to be explosive and terrifying to the audience. A moral of the story that shoots you right in the chest and really makes you think.
Instead he was reduced to just,,,,another criminal, begging for his life.
Which, yes, I suppose, is also a message in and of itself (all evil figures throughout history have only ever been human, have only ever been men that bleed red at the end of the day, and nothing they've ever done or said will change that), but I also find that....exceedingly boring.
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Angel With A Ticket
George Weasley x Knight Bus Conductor Reader
You’ve worked on the knight bus for so long, and saw such a variety of faces. What happens when you meet a face that normally smiles, but can’t seem to plaster one on?
Can be read as romantic or platonic
Warnings: Angst, Mention of Death, Vague setting, Implied self harm, Survivors Guilt, George Weasley Deserves To Mourn, Dead Fred, Reader is everyone’s therapist, ya know?
“Hey-! We got one-!” The familiar bobble of the shrunken head would alert you, as you hurried down the stairs of the upper floors. Your bag nearly sending you flying, with its weight. Had the head laugh, before you flicked its forgotten nose. Getting a whine.
“Let’s see who the poor sap in distress is this time-“ You hummed, as the bus gave its sharp stop. Your body having grown used to such a swing, and able to remain standing. “Ya can handle a bus, but not a bag. Magical~!” The head mocked, as the doors opened.
Your eyes couldn’t help but widen, as you saw who was standing there. Was a Weasley, and by the fact a sparkling W pin was on the pocket….It was a twin. Couldn’t be. Twins come in pairs. Where’s the other half? Must be some trick of the eyes. Where is the second in command? You would jump off the bus, and have a look around. Trying to find him.
“It’s just me….” The twin said, with a defeated sigh. “It’s going to be just me. Forever…..Can I just come on already-?” The twin said, as he rubbed at his arms. Suit jacket seeming a mess, and not quite as dapper as it normally was. You tilted your head, as you gave him a better look. Wondering what he was on about.
Normally such vivid eyes were dull, freckled smile missing, and by god so was an ear. Where did his ear go? That’s when it all dawned on you. That same baggy eye look you’ve seen so much of so recently. That was the face of someone who’s been through war. Oh no.
“I’m…..So sorry.” You whispered, as it was hard to process. The idea that twins weren’t twins anymore. “I-“ You didn’t know what else to say, and it didn’t seem like he did either. Just handing over the ticket, and you were quick to autopilot through the transaction. He would climb himself onto the bus, and the energy changed.
The man was normally a beacon of energy and positivity. Didn’t seem like that would be what the bus would feel tonight. With him on the bus, you saw he had no bags. Made you curious why he would be on the bus at all. From what you recall, from your school days, those twins mastered apparation very young.
“Got any beds available?” He asked you, and a nod was what you gave him. “Second floor, to your right.” You said, only to watch him climb up the stairs. It was still hard to comprehend such a livley man went so limp. Probably better to not let him know you didn’t know which twin he was.
“Georgie boy sure has handled it the best he can. Poor child.” Dre said, as if reading your mind. “Still runnen that shop. Maken sure them kids get their fix and be all smiles. Doing the lords work, that be sure.” He sighed, making you wonder if he could breath at all.
“Can’t imagine running a shop you built from the ground up, with your twin, all by yourself.” You admit, as the bus would snap back into the road again. Moving at speeds that could kill. “Why else ya think he’s here? Ain’t the first time.” Dre explained.
That made sense, now that you thought about it. When you weren’t on shift, he must sometimes come sleep on the bus. Just to be somewhere different. This poor man. You didn’t know why, but you wanted to help. Maybe because you knew those twins gave the world everything. And Fred seemed to prove it, with his own life.
Up the stairs you went, to see the many other sleeping passengers. Many a young teen running away from home, to mothers escaping house holds that didn’t want them. So many sad story’s the bus held. All giving them a needed moments rest, before their next stop. Now the infamous George Weasley was in that pile.
You would dance around the sliding beds, as to soon stand next to his own. To look down, as he made sure to have his working ear face the world. Dress jacket would be tossed over the metal head board, and shoes kicked off, as he tried to get some sleep. Struggling, as you saw his eyes flutter behind his lids. The way he would rub his arms, as if they were always in pain. Attacked by the chill.
“Need a blanket….or something-?” You awkwardly asked, getting a snort from him. “Rather have my brother back, but ‘pose that’s a bit harder. Huh?” He more so muttered, as you let him vent. Seemed he was surprised you did. Was sitting up even, with a brow raised.
“Not gonna tell me that I’m being to blunt, or intense-?” He puzzled. “What-? No….You lost your identical twin. Everyone here has their own story, and ways to deal with trauma. Like hell I’m going to tell you to shut up. If it helps it helps.” You scoffed, as you took offense. Thinking he thought you were fragile. You work on the Knight Bus. Fragile doesn’t exist in that sentence.
“Sure seems like everyone else does. Ya know-?” He begins, and you happily let him. Taking a seat on the bed, and soon did your song and dance. Many a patron would sob their woes to you. That’s just what the Knight Bus was meant for. To let struggling wizards, and witches, get some clarity. And he was no exception.
His head was soon in your lap, as he went on about his woes. How his family more so was pretending Fred didn’t even exist, afraid to even say his name around him. Like it would trigger him to hurt himself more. Acting like he didn’t exist for his sake. Made him just act out more. He was just able to finally vent to someone about it all, and you happily listened.
You let him sniffle, and wiped his tears away, as he goes on about how he could have saved him. If he had just not lost his ear, and was forced to tend to the people in the medical station. That he could have prevented his death, if he didn’t lose his ear. You didn’t dare interrupt, and just let him mourn. Might be the first time he did.
It wouldn’t be long before he was able to finally sleep. They always fell asleep like that. Cry out their sorrows, and you would listen. Let them know that someone was there for them. You would gently rest his head on the pillow, making sure he slept on his left side, before pulling a blanket over him.
“Sleep well, big guy. Do it for Fred.” You whispered, as you would slip back down the stairs. As you did, you couldn’t help but feel a chill run through you. As if some ghost was running up the stairs. You brushed it off as in coming London rain, before you leaned over the railing. Back to your post, with Dre.
“Hope ya know he’s gonna be a regular.” Dre warned you. “And-?” You smarted, getting a smile. “Guess you are cut out for this job.” He laughed, as you rolled your eyes. Despite it all, you did glance up. Knowing that ray of sunshine was up there. You worried, and maybe it was about time someone did for him. “Sleep well.” You whispered, as the bus made its next stop.
“Oye-!” You shouted, as you hopped off the bus. “Come on. Don’t wait for the grass ta grow, it’s time to go-!” You tried to joke, as you grabbed the runaways bags. Helping them on, before you vanished into the night. Leaving behind only the sounds of screeching tires.
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Here is my problem with posts like these- the concept is sound. Autistic people *can* have all of these traits pictured. Autistic people can make eye contact, not be good at science, and understand emotions.
But all of these posts come off with the undertone that NOT having these pictured traits is the default, the standard, that autistics who don’t have these traits are talked about too much and that NOT having these traits is just stereotypical and bad. Those sentiments have been repeated far too often in the community for me to fully trust people who make posts like this one shown above. How can I know that they don’t REALLY mean to leave autistics who don’t have these traits, these “cute, good, more socially acceptable traits”, out of the conversation. How can I know they don’t think autistics who don’t fit this cutesy list are bad and stereotypical and should just shut up already so the cutesy autistics can look better to neurotypicals. Because it really does come off this way.
I didn’t read fiction at all until I was nine (I was forced to start reading it then) and didn’t enjoy it until I was twelve. I still only enjoy the few fandoms I know well and it is very hard to get into anything I’m not familiar with. My lifelong special interest is geology and has been since I was five. I have always been good at science, and although I have a vivid imagination and love art, I hate English class and can only make art for Big Hero 6 and the SCP Foundation because I know those fandoms well. I don’t make eye contact, and I have low empathy and struggle to read and understand the emotions of people I don’t know well. I have noise sensitivity so bad that I have almost given myself tinnitus playing music to cope. I couldn’t do dishes until I got myself rubber gloves, I can’t eat many “quick foods” such as instant and microwaveable foods because of texture issues.
I don’t fit most of those cutesy traits on the list. But, I barely ever see any positivity for MY traits, because the community sees me as the default, thinks I’m talked about enough and visible enough. There’s this undertone in all of these posts that us non-socially acceptable autistics are visible enough and we should just let high masking high empathy LSNs have the spotlight. And that would be fine if they didn’t also make the community completely inhospitable to us by shitting on people with low empathy, misusing the term nonverbal (which ABSOLUTELY pisses off actually nonverbal people and you’d know that if you actually listened to them), and refusing to talk about anyone who isn’t a cutesy high empathy high masking LSN. Apparently everyone else is accepted enough. Apparently people are aware of me already. If so, then where did my diagnosis run off to, huh?
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