#very very personal

[cuckoo-among-beasts]

Ok, I'm finally writing this, the Ezra and Huaisang connection, aka how I came to feel some kind of connection to this gremlin. I can't tell when that exact moment happened and by that time I had finished the donghua and started on both the novel and web series. In general, I tend to get attached to characters similar to myself, but me and Huaisang doesn't share that much, the biggest difference being him fine with seen as useless and frivolous, while I'm the exact opposite, terrified of being seen as useless, lazy and good-for-nothing. He's also considerably more social than I am. I also tend to rp more "hero-like" characters and although Huaisang isn't a villain, imo, he's definitely not a hero either (the first mdzs character I thought of rping was actually LXC). So what made me steer out from my comfort zone?

Well, we aren't completely different, Huaisang and I, but I'm not going to go into details about that. I'm just going to write about main things that made me love this lazy, cunning, lovable gremlin. This might end up being a bit rambling and it will be very personal. Might end up being long too. I will probably not re-read it, so if it ends up sounding weird or grammatical errors and whatnot, sorry about that. And yes, most of it will be about me since I need to explain shit for anyone to get it.

I was born during a blizzard, it was -40C at the time, this was all a rather unlucky sign since children born during storms are said to bring chaos. Therefore, my parents... ok, I'm kidding. Well, not really, I was born during those conditions and tradition says that will bring chaos, but it has nothing to do with what I'm about to write, I was just thinking about how to start and this popped up. Sorry, sorry.

Let's try again. For as long as I can remember, I've always had a love for art and beauty. I used drawings to communicate before i could properly speak (which I have no memories of). I always loved to draw, but also appreciated others' art, including crafts, sculptures and so on. As a very young child, I could randomly start crying because I found things so beautiful, which also included music and the sounds of words. During early childhood tests, my parents were always told I seemed gifted, if not particularly sociable and communicative. I was a sensitive child, who cried easily and frustrated easily. A child that was either constantly moving or could sit for hours staring, who froze in the middle of things and just daydreamed (I'm still guilty of this) or who could just flop down and take a nap whenever. My three main interest as a child was: drawing, reading (in which ancient China ended up being a favourite subject xD ) and walking around in the forest where I lived watching nature and animals, especially birds (we had several different bird houses, since both my parents are nature lovers as well). This all sounds pretty nice, doesn't it? And it was, at first.

I was repeatedly told off for being too sensitive (funny enough, I was also told off for not emoting enough, all this is still a mystery to me), for not being attentive and sociable enough, for being lazy, for being too chatty (but also too quiet, once again this weird thing where I'm still not sure where the limit goes). Hearing this and other things enough times and you start to realise you're wrong and I started to do my best to change. This was also when I realised that people prefer too little over too much, so even if I couldn't grasp what was emotional enough or chatty enough, if I kept myself stoic and quiet (even when I wanted to and could speak), that was more acceptable than me "overreacting" and "never shutting up". I was still an outsider though, something I would always be and still am. No matter how much I've tried to fit in. At least I still had my interests. For now.

As I grew older and things like job and career starting to creep into my life (around the age of 12, since that's when they start asking you about high school and by then you need to know if you want to study a theoretical or practical program and also what kind of that you want, you can't mix and match subject in the way you do in the US, for example) and I had no answers to what I wanted to do. All I know I liked, and wanted to do, was read, write and draw. I was repeatedly told that's not a career and I should stop with those fancies and not waste my intelligence on "aesthetics" (by this time, I had been in three class plays with fairly prominent roles in all three and I started in the church choir at the age of 8). Hearing this over and over, as well as being severely bullied (by both students and teachers), I basically stopped drawing and at 16, I quit the church choir too, saying I needed to focus on my studies, in reality, I had begun to develop pretty bad anxiety (this all culminated in my early twenties when I basically shut myself in in my flat, it's gotten better since, but I still struggle to talk to strangers or show anything I've created out of fear of rejection and ridicule as well as me being extremely sensitive to criticism. And yes, I do miss the acting and the singing sometimes, especially the singing, I've always loved that too). And yes, I did not choose the "art program" in high school, I went to the "social science program - focus: environment, humans and society" (a mix of science and social science). To keep things short, I eventually got my current diagnoses and began drawing again, which helped. I still don't do it as much as I should. I also still don't allow myself the rest my brain seems to need. I do allow myself to cry when needed when I'm allow now. To make it even shorter, I started to try and find my "true self" again. This included being honest about my transmasculine gender identity. And then it came again. The negativity. How I couldn't be things because "real men" aren't this and that way again. Scared of being unaccepted, I once again hardened myself. Now it also included stop wearing nail polish and getting a more traditional masculine appearance and just generally removing anything "feminine" with how I looked or acted: no emotions, no crying, no softness. Hell no. I just wanted people to believe me when I said I'm not a woman. Since that was it. I wasn't, isn't, a woman, but I'm also not a man and not until I moved her to the UK did I find out you can be neither and still also be masculine (I'm not going to go into details about my gender identity here, feel free to ask if you want to, but to quickly specify it, I'm a transmasc agender).

Anyway, this is where Huaisang enters. Here is this fictional guy where many of my bad traits and many does dislike him for them, but he doesn't give a shit about that. He is unapologetically himself, and as much as Mingjue complains about him, I think we all know he indulged his didi, making him feel loved for who he is for most of the time. And not only is Huaisang unapologetically himself, he prides himself for his artistic interests, his sensitivity, his uselessness and laziness. My mind made a 360 at that and then... once I realised, I cried. I'm admitting that. Why did this fictional character get to be what I weren't allowed to be? He's even a (cis) male! Outrageous! Yes, I admit that too, I got angry and jealous at a fictional character. It went over quickly. Instead I started to love him and also realise that if someone could come up with a character with these traits that were loved and had friends and so on, then maybe, just maybe, I'm not completely wrong and broken?

Huaisang has partly helped me to try and start taking steps to find who I am now. I'm working on growing out my hair, I've bought nail polish again (only used black so far, but I have a lovely pale mother-of-pearl pink next to me I want to use) and I want to wear beautiful clothes again (still needs to be comfy though), even if I haven't dared checking out the women's section yet (since the men's one are boring and we all know it), but at least the will is there now. I'm trying to get back to drawing and painting more again, but that's also effort since it requires me to take things out and put it away each time. I've returned to some bird watching though.

Huaisang might not be the best fictional role-model you can have, but I think I needed him, still does, he makes his gremlin comments to me sometimes (obviously, I know this is me talking to me). He definitely drives me insane at times (I'm too much of an "Orderly Lan" to him), but it's worth it. The true charmer he is, he managed to even charm me into stepping out of my boundaries, both as myself and for the type of muses I usually portray.

Now, where can I find a real life Mingjue for myself? xD

[enfinizatics]

ostatnio dużo myślę nad wyborami i mnie, jako osobę po studiach prawniczo-politologicznych, autentycznie wzrusza fakt, że frekwencja wyniosła prawie 75%, a ludzie stali w solidarności w tych kolejkach do późnych godzin i wspierali się nawzajem śpiewając, dzieląc się jedzeniem, napojami, kocami. coś absolutnie niesamowitego. sama stojąc w kolejce czułam się jak moi dziadkowie i starzy, kiedy obalali komunę. grupa wiekowa młodych w której jestem wykręciła tak niesamowity numer, że nadal jestem w szoku, bo pamiętam kiedy te 5 lat temu rozmawiałam ze znajomymi w liceum i mało kogo obchodziła polityka i nie chcieli głosować. mam nadzieję, że dzięki tym wyborom zobaczyliśmy i przede wszystkim uwierzyliśmy że nasz głos ma znaczenie i możemy mieć wpływ na politykę, która kształtuje nasze życie, a jako społeczeństwo powinniśmy być wobec siebie solidarni, bo tylko solidarność jest naszą bronią. zwłaszcza klasy pracującej, która stanowi większość naszego społeczeństwa.

[ellearts]

I've been drawing so much these time both personal and f1 and I'm.. im so glad!!im so Happy!!

Last year I only drew like once a month, I was in huge depression And I hated art

So yeah just...things that make me happy ig :> love living rightnow

[owlispls]

(Source)

[ Caption ID: A handwritten text from Alice Osemans Webcomic Heartstopper. Framed with drawn falling leaves. It is written in Nicks handwriting. The story shows, that he is currently writing in his journal:

"Although- you know that saying that things sometimes get worse before they get better?"

"Yeah. I think I understand that now." End of Caption ]

[delicatefury]

More prayers for sister and her fiancé, please.

They met with the priest today to talk about his annulment. And they’ve been sitting in the car talking for over an hour. All I’ve gotten are a few texts, and they’re not… well, they’re not encouraging.

The timeline’s moved back. Again. It was supposed to be Easter. Now it’s the end of the year. So her hopes to be married in autumn or winter are dashed. And our priest is bringing in a canon lawyer to help.

I… I’m really worried. I’m legitimately concerned that this ordeal is going to drive my sister away from the church. Like she’ll say fuck it and get married in a civil ceremony instead of a religious one. I’m worried my family (my mom) will encourage this, or downplay how not a good decision this is.

I’m terrified it won’t be granted. And instead of celebrating my sister’s marriage, I‘ll have to watch her tear herself in two between being a good Catholic and a woman in love.

Im worried that even if it is granted, this ordeal will sour her fiancé on the Catholic Church so much that he’ll resent the church, and that my sister wants her kids raised in the faith.

And selfishly I fear that if any of the above happens, I’ll also be unhappy because I won’t be able to both be a faithful Catholic and fully rejoice in my sister’s happiness.

So please, please pray for them. For their desire to marry in the church. That they not be punished for my sister’s faithfulness and insistence on doing things right. That his previous marriage be found void. That we don’t have to be stuck between her happiness and our faith.

Holy Mother Mary, Blessed Joseph, St. Valentine, please pray for them.

And Jesus told us to be persistent so I’m gonna keep knocking.

[buysomecheese]

She’s the best woman to ever exist. This is the woman I am modeling myself after in life. “Shit happens! Always be happy inside.” Gods she’s so amazing. She is the best ever I love her.

[mokuknight]

It's probably been a month now and I can never get over NQN Wheatley, literally the purest interpretation of Wheatley I have ever seen. He's the one thats been helping me cope for crying out loud!

Same with Church and Caboose from RvB, they've been part of me for years

like-

NQN- the design... more important to me than anything else rn.. I have my own little reality that I've used to cope since I was only eight.. I've been wanting to talk about it but not tonight- but just-

I'm definitely more of an aroace person in a way (I'm not saying I am aroace, but I definitely act like it)

with that said-

My gallery is mainly filled with screenshots from fandoms and things that I'm in that I use for art reference, with these being some of them- but usually I look at them as well watch the animations when I'm not feeling ok... he's an absolute serotonin generator and I literally tear up about it...

Again, NQN, what you did to make this design is actually helping people like me not feel so bad about what they have to go through, and I'm honestly not sure how to word the rest of my thoughts about that, so I'm just gonna leave it here, I guess. I would hug him a million times over.

[wildbasil]

things haven't been great but i think they will be. eventually 🌻🌼🩷

[ukrainian-groove-metal]

I love the "came back wrong" trope but from the opposite side.

Imagine you are dead. And then you are RIPPED from the embrace of decay into the world of the living again. Your memories are hazy and you don't recognize any of these people, but they act like they're close to you? Like they love you? So you try to get your memories back, to act like you belong here, but everybody tries to forget you died. And you can't. It is omnipresent. And just trying to grapple with that fact pushes the people who "love" you away, and they're incapable of understanding, and they're so confused, what's wrong N̶̄̀O̶͛͗T̷̉́ ̷͋͝Y̴̎̌Ȍ̴̈U̸̓R NÄM̴̃͑E̵̾̇? And you just need them to understand, you aren't that person! You aren't! You don't know who that person is! You don't know why any of this is happening, but they're unwilling to bend, they keep insisting you are that person, your memories will come back, everything will be normal again, and you want to scream and cry and claw yourself open to show them you're different. Your existence as a being wholly separate from whoever you "used to be" is a sin unto itself. All you can do is scrabble for life and to them, you're killing whoever they loved to do it.

just. lots of fun in that concept, you know?

[professor-pants]

Genre of character: submissive like a guard dog is submissive

[jakeperalta]

I'm curious. what job would you do if money was no object (you just automatically had an income you could live comfortably on)? including work like volunteering, studying etc. please share in the tags :)

[kedreeva]

There's some dude (derogatory) on FB who is PISSED people are pricing their farm fresh eggs at $2 and $3 a dozen instead of $4+, saying it's "disrespectful" and "undignified" and "I'm trying to feed my kids" like Sir, you are on a Facebook group page bitching about your neighbors egg prices because your pet chickens aren't earning you a living wage and you think it's your neighbors' fault, you do not have a leg to stand on here wrt dignity.

Also half the answers are like "I give them to friends and family free" or "I donate them to food banks" or "I'm making them affordable to folks who might not otherwise be able to get them now that they're so expensive in the store" and "if you think you're going to turn a profit keeping backyard chickens you have been wildly misled" and so on, and so forth, and I'm so living for it.

and I can tell you right now, he did NOT like my answer of "if you're trying to feed your kids, I hear eggs are edible."

[minnow-doodle-doo]

Then Jason never kills again.

[catmask]

does anyone have like an anti aesthetic. like something you look at and can recognize as a complete fashion/interior design/artistic movement and understand it but it makes you shudder seeing it. i am not talking like “its morally bad” “its poorly structured” like just sheerly devoid of joy for you actually invites a repulse response.