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catsteeth · 7 months

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The Caged Bird and The Leashed Dog

+:✿ Chapter - 1 ✿:+ New Pretty Cage

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Summary: You are the daughter of Jon Arryn, you and your father travel to King's Landing with the intention of arranging a marriage for you. You catch a glimpse of The Hound during your first night in Kings Landing and it creates a mutual fascination even if he won't admit it.

CW: slow burn, angst, emotional unavailability, emotional vulnerability, The Hound being abrasive, mention of animal death, alcohol consumption, mention of infant death, mention of parent(s) death, loras being very lgbtq , mention of arranged marriage.

Leaving the Eyrie at first was exciting. You hated to admit it, you screamed at your father for even suggesting it, you cried like a child, but it was. The Eyrie was hardly a home, It was cold, isolated, and a constant reminder of what you’d lost. Kings Landing was warm, crowded, and offered a future outside of living in the past.

Your father, Jon Arryn, was more than optimistic that you would find a suitor worthy of your name. Your aunt and now step mother, Lysa Arryn was elated at the opportunity of ridding her and Robin’s lives of you.

After the death of your mother, Elorie of house Tully, your father married her sister, your aunt. You could have stomached it, you could have even forgiven it, if it weren’t for the fact your mother died during her labors of childbirth.

As you and your father rode in the carriage, your mind couldn’t help but think of it. You’d spent your mothers entire pregnancy hoping she’d bear a son. You even prayed, prayed to the seven Gods whom you didn’t even believe in. You had hoped if the child was a boy, you wouldn’t have to be wed off to the best house name possible.

What's worse, not only did the labors kill your mother, but it also killed your brother. You’d prayed for a brother and the Gods gave you a brother. But they took him away and your mother with him.

You had spent days sulking, wallowing in grief. Unbeknownst to you, all the while your father was arranging his own marriage with Lysa. A son followed behind soon, Robin, the brat. You hated him, even if you were the same blood.

“We approach,” your father said under his breath. It was enough to bring you back to reality.

“How long will I be here?” You asked, knowing the answer. Your father shot you a look with a furrowed brow, as if to say, “You already know.” You nodded as your concerned gaze turned to a glare as you looked out the carriage into the city. You lost your sweetness after your mother died, you were in no rush to get it back.

“Who am I to wed?” You asked flatly, your stoic expression and eyes filled with venom shot outside of the carriage and away from your father.

He sighed and looked upon you softly. “The Baratheon boys are eligible I suppose,” before he could finish you began. “Blondes, I have a distaste for blonde men.” You say as you rest your chin on your fist, still staring outside of the carriage. Your father let out a sigh about to lecture you on the importance of uniting families and the unimportance of such trivial things like personal happiness. But you cut him off, you look at him with eyes filled with venom, “I know you’ve a plan. You don’t go into anything blind.” he let out a small huff of a laugh as you arrived at the impressive castle. Your eyes did move from your fathers however. “You are just like your mother. Filled with angry eyes and hard questions.” Your eyes narrowed a bit, as the door to the carriage opened.

“Welcome Lord Arryn, welcome Lady (Y/N)”

Later that evening, you met the Lannisters and Baratheons over dinner.

You took note of the “Baratheon boys” your father mentioned. Sons of the King. From all those story books you'd read as a girl you would have thought that Princes’s would be handsome, kind, gentle, and brave. However you weren’t a naive child anymore. So the scrawny and boyish looking Joffrey didn’t surprise you, but did disappoint you. And Tommen was boyish too however Tommen was just that, a boy, a child. You found yourself praying again, praying you wouldn’t be subjected to an arranged marriage between either of them.

The dinner was mostly spent with your father and Robbert yammering, and occasionally people needing to remind you that you were being spoken to.

It was strange, on one hand you were excited to be out of the isolation of the Eyrie, on the other hand you couldn’t care less about the people around you. That was until the royal family's guard stepped into the room. The man was giant, standing at least 6 '6, his shoulders were so broad he had to step into a room at an angle. You felt your eyes linger on the figure just a second too long. Reverting it back to your hands in your lap.

You felt her cheeks blush, you felt yourself get embarrassed by this. But the thing is you’ve never seen a man like that. You never saw a man that big, a man that broad, ever. The Eyrie was secluded and maybe men from the vale were just shorter. Maybe this was a southern thing. Before you could roll the thought around your brain for long, the hulking figure walked to the opposite side of the room, it was only then when you noticed his face lit by the candle lights.You saw the left side of his face first. His face was masculine, there was nothing about his appearance that was feminine. As you analyzed his face, he turned it towards you which is when you saw the opposite of his face. It was horribly scarred, all the hair on his face was burnt off and ribboned in scarred tissue.

It was beautiful. You’d never seen anything like it.

You didn’t break your gaze as it was intertwined with the giant in the room. His deep brown eyes seemed somewhat confused with something about you. You felt the blush returning to your cheeks and nose as you studied him. You only broke your improper gaze once you felt the dread you feel everytime your fathers gaze comes towards you. You were able to look away before he noticed. He grabbed ahold of your hand and shot you a half hearted smile hoping your sour mood would magically improve with this minimal affection. However the daggers in your eyes did not surrender.

You spent the following days walking around the castle, hoping for another glimpse at the man everyone feared so terribly. You asked your father about him, “He’s the royal family's dog, both the Cleganes are. They are not the kind of people I wish for you to be around.” You rolled your eyes, but the information you got from anyone else was no better. His monstrous and vile actions. His temper is so fierce he’d kill anyone without a second thought. But when you saw his eyes, those deep brown eyes, they weren’t mean or angry they were sad. They were scared.

Days in this shit city were long, and often just as boring as the days in the Eyrie. Only instead of a shivering cold there was a sticky warmth. Instead of Lysa and Robin there was Cersei and Joffrey. At least Robin didn’t kill little creatures and beat girls for fun.

There were some advantages to living here however. There were more books, more food, more drinks, more dresses, more music. Living so high in the mountain such luxuries were sparse. Luxuries like friends, of which you felt you gained a few. The Tyrells for example were the only people you felt you could be truly honest with. Specifically Loras, there was a sense of vulnerability you two shared with each other. Both of you are unhappy with the prospect of marriage, arranged specifically. You remember the time he confessed to you that he was in love with a man. You walked through the garden together, those times became special. The only times when you and he could speak plainly. You always thought of how lovely it would be to have a friend, someone to trust solely. You always thought it would be a woman but you couldn’t complain.

You held onto his hands as he confessed. He said he wished he could change, to not be what he was.

“Never,” You held onto his hands tighter “Never wish for such things. Change even a single thing of you and you aren’t you. And you are my friend, my dearest friend.” You whispered, he embraced you tightly. You however had a slight growing distaste for Renly, a man who brought such tears to your friend.

To anyone secretly observing, it was courting. To you and he, it was friendship. In its purest way.

Maybe your father was true to his promise, he’d find you a man whom you’d love, a man who was brave and gentle. Only this love was different. As he was the only person you could trust.

The two of you thought of a plan for you and the wedding of one another. It was a good plan, the two of you would be bound by love and respect of which you both shared for the other. And the two of you would be free to find romantic, and sexual love freely. Loras teased you’d be able to fuck all the KingsGaurd if The Hound did not please you. It made you giggle but blush in embarrassment like a little girl.

Honestly you and he would have had the most healthy relationship of all the realm, and the only difference would be the two of you never consummated. But who would need to know?

You almost went through with it after the death of your father. If it weren’t for the fact Cersei forced her company upon you so much, you could have ran to the nearest septon and made your marriage official. But Cersei never left you alone, you were either with her, or one of her ladies. And, and you hated to admit it, you’d miss those butterflies in your belly anytime you caught The Hounds gaze. It makes your cheek red and your belly burn. And you loved it, it might have been the only reason you could have lived during those days. You spent anytime you got alone with Loras talking about The Hound, a topic he grew bored of quickly. So you also spoke of your marriage.

However these plans changed at the arrival of your cousin Sansa. Upon her arrival you saw a girl who would never handle the city she was stepping into with such naive big eyes and fairy tale fantasies of her future. You agreed with Olenna that Loras should attempt to court Sansa prior to her wedding with Joffrey, one last attempt at her freedom. You began to care less and less of your own.

Selfless yes, but stupid.

During the tournament you sat beside Sansa, and her father Nedd Stark who had such an affinity to your father apparently it was transferred to you now that he was dead and gone. She begged her father to stop the tournament. You wanted to roll your eyes at it, but you also wished someone would stop it as well. The Mountain, Gregor Clegane, scared you. He was different from his brother. The Hound was almost as big but he had a stoic and sad nature to him, even though everyone told you to beware. The brother you feared was Gregor, he was unstable, rabid, and frightened you to no end. You’d hoped your plan of him using your mare, who was in heat, would work.

It was a trick, but a good one, if it worked. And it did, it upsets and confuses Gregor's mount. Gregor was thrown off his horse. You felt a wave of relief as Sansa stood and cheered. What you didn’t account for was Gregor's reaction. Gregor, absolutely furious, decapitated his own horse. You, still seated, grabbed ahold of Sansa’s arm as Gregor made his way to Loras. You sat and watched, you hoped someone, anyone would intervene. Renly, Nedd, the King, anyone.

Just as you were sure that was the end, “Leave him be!” The giant man behind you roared. The Hound swung his sword blocking a fatal blow to Loras. You sat there, your eyes not wide but narrowed and brows furrowed. You studied the battle between these two brothers. You wondered why, why would this man risk his own life just to save one of Loras? If he was the merciless monster that everyone had claimed, why do this? As you watched these men fight you noticed, the noble men all fought as they were trained, this man fought as he knew would kill. He fought with experience.

You couldn’t help but find it exciting.

As The King called off this fight, The Hound dodged a fatal blow he simultaneously bowed to the King. This made your lips part slightly as you struggled to conceal a smile.

As Loras named The Hound champion everyone stood and clapped, but not you.

You sat and stared at the man, your cheeks with a renewed blush on them. You smiled softly at him, his gaze soon met your own. Once met, it was hard to break.

You managed to weasel your way out of the sight of the Starks and Lannisters to check on Loras. As you made your way to the stables you didn’t find Loras but The Hound. You felt like you walked into a brick wall as you saw the Giant drinking from a wine skin sitting against the stable that held your own horse. He didn’t look at you as he said “Your pretty boy isn’t here, girl.” as he took another long swig of the wineskin in his fist.

“I’m sure I don’t know who you refer to.” You lie as you slowly walk over to your horse.

“Fuck you don’t.” He hissed “Dirty trick you and that boy pulled.”

“No honor in tricks.” You say feeding your horse some feed from your palm.

“Honor,” He scuffs “only cunts believe in that shit.” your brows raised, you’d never heard a man curse so much. They rarely did in the company of a Lady.

“There was honor in what you did, It was quite brave, Ser.”

“I'm not a ser, I already told your pretty boy that.”

“Loras is not my ‘pretty boy’” you said in a mocking tone making the hound crack a small smirk.

“Fuck off,” He scuffed, “Round that boy you’re as in heat as that bitch mare in that stable.”

“Is that why you came here? You sit in front of my mare's stable because you wanted to accuse me of having relations with a friend of mine?” You eyes shift from your mare to glare at him with disgust. His eyes locked with yours. He hardly needed to look up at you to see your eyes.

“I don’t like the way you look at me.” He said flatly

“I don’t like the way you talk to me.” Your eyes went back to your mare. “Don’t talk to me like that and I won’t look at you like that.”

“Don’t matter how you look at me, just that you do.” He said as he took another swig.

You looked down contemplating what that could have meant as you looked over to him.

“Didn’t I just fuckin’ tell ya not to do that?” He growled however your gaze did not falter.

“You did not, you said you don’t like it.” You asserted mockingly, not at all scared of this man beside you, even though you maybe should be.

He stood, showing just how small you were in comparison to him. As he loomed over you, his eyes raked over every part of you, avoiding your eyes.

“It will serve you well to listen to a man. Save yourself some pain. Some men, like to hit stubborn girls like you. Men who like to beat them.” He said in a somewhat more gentle tone than before.

Your eyes met him once more, as you looked up at him, you realized he’d never been so close to you.

“And what of you? Are you one of those men?” You asked teasing him, testing his patience

“Maybe,” he rasped “You don’t know the things I’ve done,”

You turned your body towards him to face him completely.

“You should be scared of me, of any man in this shit city.”

“I should be, but I’m not. I tried to be, but I can’t make myself feel frightened by you.” You said fidgeting with your necklace.

“I’m a killer,” He wrapped his fingers around your throat, but his grasp was hardly there at all, almost like he was hovering his hand there. “I could crush your pretty throat.”

“Do it.” You said quickly, His brows furrowed, “You think I want to live here? Do it.” you held onto his wrist, needing both hands to grasp his thick wrist fully. “No, you won’t hurt me.” You say softly.

His hand runs down your throat and lays flat engulfing your chest in his palm as his fingers laid on your collar bone. He felt your heartbeat for a moment, savoring it. “No, no little bird, I won't hurt you.” He conceded painfully, the name he called you made your cheeks blush. With that he turned away from you and stomped out of the stables.

You felt yourself release a breathe, fuck, you thought to yourself.

Few questions remained in your mind, ‘Why was he so gentle?’ and ‘Why did he make you feel this way?’

NOTE: Hi, this is my first time writing any fanfiction- believe me it will get better. We will be fuckin I promise we will be laying it down girls!! This one is mainly just world building. Let me know if there's anything you’d like to see going forward!

Xoxo

Bambi <3

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nothing0fnothing · 7 months

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As a young girl in the church I was taught to "respect myself."

We were told it from every angle. Our teachers, our preachers, our parents. "As a woman you have to respect yourselves." "How can men respect you if you're not respectful of yourself?"

I'm not sure why an 11 year old girl needed tips on how to make men respect her, but they felt it was important nonetheless.

So I educated myself and spoke my mind. I wanted to be respected for how clever I was. I asked questions that were thoughtful and well reasoned, I corrected elders when they were wrong and I focused on knowing as much as I could.

They didn't like that.

So I put all that aside, and instead I learned about feminism. I decided I should be respected for how firm I was. I said no loudly and clearly. I made my boundaries known and I reacted loudly when they were crossed.

They didn't mean like that either.

So instead, I put myself in therapy. I wanted to be respected for how self assured I was. I started caring for myself and putting me first. I healed from my trauma and learned how to not repeat old cycles, and everyone who I could, I brought them up with me.

They didn't like that at all.

No, apparently the type of self respect they wanted me to learn was the type where I beleived lies at face value, said nothing to those who crossed my boundaries and wallowed in depression and toxic cycles. But also like, while keeping my shoulders covered or something.

Silly me.

#religious trauma #anti religion #vent post #toxic parents #childhood trauma #feminist #intersectional feminism #radical feminism #feminism #feminism is for everyone

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ohmygraves · 4 months

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“an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. the thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.”

~~~

there was a moment in simon's life when he yearned for some kind of connection.

a relationship. to be cherished by someone else, to have someone to come home to and hold, feel the soft beating heart in his arms that slowly fades his mask away. someone who would melt his cold, dead heart, making him warm again.

well, shit happens, and he stopped.

he's broken, he didn't even know how many pieces have fallen apart, scattered around and too small and tedious to pick up. there was no way someone like him would have any chance, or even deserves a chance in the first place. it wouldn't be fair. it's only right to give up the idea of even any romance or whatever his old, naive heart thinks of.

it's less trouble, and there's no use chasing for something so impossible.

ghost poured himself into work, focusing on each and every grueling mission thrown his way. much more productive than spending his time wallowing his lonesome, or even just drowning his sorrow with alcohol while he watches some 6/10 show on the tv, knowing full well he can't be arsed to pay attention to it and just using it as background noise.

life was easier like this. it was lonely, but it sure was easy.

until he met you.

he bumped into you when you were at the base, and you were walking around cluelessly. he knocked over your files, papers scattered around the ground, and he helped pick it up. you were wearing a visitor badge, he noticed, and the papers were some of the stuff for the military, with a shadow company logo on the header. ghost just assumed you worked for the company, and plus some shadows have been staying at the base for the upcoming mission.

you laughed nervously, thanking him as you dusted off yourself, taking the files from him. he didn't know why, but his heart clenched when he saw your nervous smile and red cheeks, which concerned him. was that a sign of a heart attack?

still, he tried to push it to the back of his head and told you to be careful, lots of people wandering around the base since it's a busy day, and to secure those papers more thoroughly since they seem to be important files. you nodded, thanking him again and asked if he could show you the meeting room, since you couldn't find it.

well, he was going to go there anyway, so he'll walk with you. why not? it's not like his heart has been thumping faster and faster in his ribcage and he's trying so hard to ignore.

ghost keeps listening to you talk, about seemingly nothing meaningful, yet somehow interested him. weather? yeah, been cloudy lately, it's not great for flying later. shadows? bunch of rowdy bastards, but they get the job done good. tall people everywhere at the base? surprisingly, yeah. not much of a surprise considering you're quite small to ghost, but a lot of people are shorter than him so it's not much of a surprise. he just nods along with you.

the two of you were halfway when he saw graves, talking to some other shadows in the hallway until he saw you, immediately approaching you. the commander quickly bombarded you with questions, asking where you had been and how you were late for the meeting for ten minutes. you explained how you had to pick up the documents you left in the car and you forgot where the room.

graves introduced you to ghost as his assistant, a secretary to help him with some paperwork for the shadows. you'll just be here for a while and then you'll stay behind and work some more on paperworks for your boss while he's away. he placed his hand behind the small of your back as he ushered you into the room, looking over to ghost to make sure that he's following. there was a small hint of something in his eyes, a slight glare, as if judging him for seeing how you're being friendly to him.

was he jealous?

ghost let out a sigh, his heart clenching just slightly as he walked inside the room, seeing how graves kept you by his side while he started the meeting.

#call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty headcanon #cod headcanon #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #cod ghost x reader #cod #ghost x reader #phillip graves #phillip graves x reader #cod graves #cod graves x reader #old wip

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pascals-doll · 6 months

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CONVENIENCE STORE

ellie williams x reader

『••✎••』 in which ellie self-loathed in her mistake as the weeks pass. you both went back to your regular lives, so will life spare a divine intervention? | WC: 12.0K

🫧 THIS IS A SERIES | FOR ALL PARTS GO HERE

🫧 SERIES MASTERLIST | CH.3 HERE

🫧SHE TOLD ME WATCH THE SNAKES CUS THEY WATCHING YOU! TYSM BABIES FOR THE IMMENSE FEEDBACK ON THE FIRST CHAPTER OMG 🥹!!

🫧description: MODERN AU! DESCRIPTIVE ANGST!, INTRO TO 2 IMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERS!, latina!reader, descriptions of reader having bronze/tawny skin, mentions of religioius la virgen, a little bit of a abby mention ☺️, mentions of smoking marijuana, talk about about identifying sexuality, mentions of toxic relationships, bff!dina, reader speaks spanish! (very little in this this chapter), dina speaks spanish, reader’s nickname from her close friends is “gatà”, mention of y/n once (___), kissing! love reconciliation, use of pet name (mama).

CHAPTER TWO

oh, how Ellie texted you the morning right after as she woke up thinking about you. the way she grabbed her phone, opened the contact, and began to fly her fingers away in confidence.

Ellie had every intention of contacting you, she genuinely couldn’t get you out her mind as she had already put the lipliner you left her on her nightstand for safe keeping.

just like any regular person with the phone number of who they spent the night dancing with and even ending the night off with a kiss, you would think to text them.

yet, she sat there on her bed slightly hung over but Ellie truly believed that she could’ve been plastered, and she still would’ve remembered meeting you. she had her phone in her hands.

how hard could it be right?

how hard can it be to just type a quick message to the girl she over the moon infatuated with after the first night?

it was alot harder than ellie definitely thought….

Ellie wishes she could say that as she had her phone in her hand, her thumbs got to typing away with ease, and already asking you on a date.

a simple hello could’ve also just sufficed.

still, her fingers wouldn’t move, loosing control. it was like the wiring in her brain had short-circuited; a blank mind being the only thing processed.

in reality, she sat there with phone in hand, staring at the blank blue bubble waiting to be written in.

it had been 2 weeks since the night of the party.

2 weeks.

two weeks.

how did Ellie fuck up this badly?

she wasn’t quite sure, but she had been living in an eternity of pity and grimace since then.

why?

it was because only Jesse’s ass could be spending almost any given moment he has on the phone with Dina while Ellie couldn’t even send you one damn text.

one night Ellie came back from home working late-night at Joel's car-shop.

she was beyond exhausted and the first thing she heard as she walked through her shared apartment with Jesse was Dina's laugh.

Ellie was happy Jesse finally found someone he genuinely likes but it was her own 'pussy-ness' that irked her.

she practically dragged herself to her room in her own wallow but of course, Jesse wanted to greet his best friend.

"hey Els! how was work with y'old man?" Jesse questions, approaching you while still on the phone.

"fucking mute that shit!" Ellie panicked as she whisper-shouted like she was going to be caught or seen. Jesse rolled his eyes before pressing mute on the Face-Time.

"bro what the fuck is wrong with you?" Jesse retaliates, he looked at her like she was wielding a gun around.

"what the fuck! nothing!" Ellie sneers out harshly like as if she wasn't the one causing a scene.

Jesse huffed out but before he could speak, a familiar voice rang through the speaker of his phone.

'Deens! I brought my mom's menudo! your favorite!'

She knew it was your voice, even off one night with you.

she would be able to recognize your voice anywhere.

Jesse watched how you relaxed when you heard her, completely pulled into a trance in a matter of seconds between a phone call that wasn't yours.

"do me a favor—and a favor for yourself, text her for fuck-sake." Jesse sighs out, shutting the door to your room.

Ellie was sure it was too late to try again now.

it was too late all because of her own overthinking.

she was sure it would take a miracle to get another chance with you.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

on your side of things, you felt completely fooled.

when you woke up the next morning and finally was conscious enough to check your phone; just to see your notification box empty.

could you even be angry at Ellie?

you would begin to slightly overthink.

you didn’t know why you cared so much, you were cross-faded half the night and it was just a party….so why couldn’t you stop thinking about her.

you’re not gay…..well…no….ehhh..

you literally felt so stupid as you mentally pondered with yourself. even if it was just drunk you acting up last night.

you remember it so vividly and clearly, there was no way you could try to play this off.

“que piensas, gatà?” Dina huffs out, bagel in hand as she throws herself on her bed right next to you, referring you to the name she's been calling you since 7th grade.

“has he texted you?” you gave Dina this look which Dina reciprocated by arching one eyebrow in case you were trying to insinuate something.

“girl…he called me!” she looked around with an exaggerated look of shock with a hand on her heart causing you to giggle out with her.

you let out a whistle at her playful smugness “‘atta girl!” you were happy that at least one of you got a message back.

"What!? did she not text you?" Dina asks you slightly shocked, Dina did not miss the little kiss you had shared last night.

you didn't even meet her gaze, just twiddling with your thumbs.

"no... but I mean, she was just another person at a party that you have a good—" you rambled, trying to convince yourself more than you were trying to convince Dina.

she quickly cut you off "yeah babe, but that was with men and during all those stupid little breaks that dick claimed were needed." Dina begins. you already know what she was getting at.

"hoe, if you don't look at me."

you brought your eyes to meet with Dina's.

"look I know we made out in 8th grade—" Dina chuckles out which causes you to groan out annoyingly. you throw one of her stuffed animals at her; she caught that shit with ease.

"Dina!" you beam out, you were internally cringing for some reason and felt anxiety bubbling inside you out of the blue.

"babe! you were on gay shit last night. somebody had to say it." Dina could've worded this so much better, but it was Dina.

she was going to put it in the only way your current stubborn self would understand; by being blunt.

you weren't shocked.

you weren't acting as if hearing those words make zero sense to you.

you were confused, maybe slightly ashamed too.

you couldn't quite put a pin in your emotions which was now causing an inner distress to ignite.

"I-I-am....I-I" you sounded like an infant trying to mutter your first word.

que mierda, fucking get it together.

you internally scolded.

"___, I'm not telling you anything. I'm just saying that Ellie is definitely a lesbian and she made you feel something. that is okay—i mean girl! you were with your ex since our highschool sophomore year....do you really even know yourself—like that at least?” Dina was your closest friend and each word that fell from her lips was for your own good.

you needed to open your eyes.

yes, you were so assured of yourself and your life.

yet, you let someone dictate for so many years how to feel. you were never sure of your emotions till now; but you still find yourself struggling with the aftermath of how he treated your feelings as you forgot how to treat your own.

just having to recollect the memory of it, how he could take the power away from your words.

it enraged you as you felt sick.

"no, he fucking deprived me of myself." you spat out, a slight shake in your voice at the mix of emotions. you wanted to cry; not knowing why.

Dina got closer on the bed to now be completely side by side with you. she pulled you into her embrace from the side.

"you deserve to find out, it is your life now." Dina reassures you, calming you down.

she was 100% right.

you deserved the opportunity to find out who you really are, not just naive high school you because you were way past that time.

you needed your mental to catch up with you after being under someone else's impression.

you were going to do just that.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

after that morning after the party; for the next 2 days, you hoped for something.

a text or a call.

you got nothing.

you will say you thought about Ellie quite often, but you gave up hope she would contact you what felt like to be a while ago now.

you had a life to get back too, you were too slightly egotistical to let yourself get too wrapped up in ‘what if's'.

you weren’t quite sure now on your whole self-discovery journey.

you weren’t reliant on the woman but the way you couldn’t even restock items while you were at work without thinking back to her.

the way Ellie felt.

the way she felt on you.

you recalled every single little thing about her like you had been precisely studying a subject for school.

the way her lips fell perfectly into yours.

the way her warmth was able to whelm you in.

the way she was able to pull you into her by doing nothing.

she had completely contaminated your membrane with just her.

it was becoming infuriating as the days pass.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

Ellie was beyond fed up with her mind.

anywhere she went, almost everything reminded you of her.

it felt like universe was trying to rub her stupid mistake in her face.

Ellie was working another day at the car shop with the clock reading 5:40 pm.

the sun had begun to set as she finished up the last tweaks, she needed to make on the car's engine she was working on.

she wiped the slight sweat off with the back of her wrist as her hands were covered in black grease.

"why don't you g'head on home, kiddo. I’ll finish it up." Joel perks up from behind as he placed the toolbox he brought in on his workbench.

"you sure?" Ellie questions as she walks over to the utility sink at the far corner of the repair-shop.

"Yeah, I gotta work on that client's tires—the one I told ya he came in makin' a fuss his tires weren't low enough." Joel chuckled out slightly at the end which caused Ellie to give a soft giggle.

"you talkin' about Sergío?" you recall a couple months back how a man came into the shop with the coolest lowrider she had ever seen up-close.

"yup. that's tha'man." Joels southern accent draws out.

"he should be comin' in soon" Joel told Ellie as he began to move the car Ellie finished up into the lot with the rest of the other vehicles.

now you could call Ellie crazy for this but there was no way this was coincidence.

Ellie was sat on the stool, sipping on a soda as she took her small break as she watched the familiar old school impala drive up.

the blaring headlights caused her to raise her hand, shielding her eyes with the long of her arm.

Ellie's vision was obstructed temporarily but as it quickly refocused; she immediately noticed the huge rosary pendant that hung from the man's rearview mirror.

it was the same religious female procession that was on your lighter.

for some reason whenever she thought of you, she would then see an image or an item of the beautiful prophet.

call Ellie delusional......but to Ellie, this was a sign.

if this is you, please let me see her again. she mentally prayed for.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

more days passed during these dreadful two weeks.

the both of you lived in sync as you both spent time moping over each other during your daily duties of life.

another day where you were having an unpleasant smoke session. you usually would roll up after you got out the shower, depending on the weather for your drink of choice.

you would have a hot tea or iced latte to go with the lit joint in your hand as you sat on your woven chair outside of your porch.

your mind couldn't even relax as you inhaled your kush, you would ask yourself if it was something about you that made her 'unattracted' to you.

she probably thought you were one of those girls…

you felt yourself physically cringe at the fact you even thought that.

you truly just didn't know.

Ellie had been the first woman to ever give you enough attention to have you really question yourself.

couple months before you left after the college semester finished, there was this girl in your finances class that had sat down next to you.

she had the strongest female physique you seen, her arms showing she was a gym-rat.

you even remember her name being Abby, she was sweet when she flirted with you.

it had been the first time a woman ever flirted you which automatically caused your body to flush and grow shy.

you remember shutting the poor girl down by just switching your seat, not really processing the fact she had just flirted with you.

you rubbed your head slightly as you continued to drag out your joint, puffing your smoke out after each inhalation.

this situation is different, you weren’t in a relationship this time.

you had already got a taste of Ellie and now it was something turned gluttonous.

you ash your roach before grabbing your bag and heading off to work; your brain tingling still over the auburn beauty.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

you worked in a convenience store; it was owned by your family. more specifically, your tía owned the store ever since your tío had passed away a couple years ago.

she needed help with the store, so you quit working as a sale's assistant to spend half of your day behind a counter.

you honestly thought this was better than the shit you called your old job, you were practically your own boss all day.

the convenience store was located at the corner of a cold-de-sac.

it wasn't too far from a couple car-repair shops and a plaza that had a few options of chain-stores.

your family made a lot of connections through the shop. you would say that the area you lived in was community dominated and tend to be the same community who have lived there since you were born.

your convenience store was like the hot spot for your neighborhood due to the popularity of your tío before his passing.

this made your heart full, and it was worth it every time one of the regular's came in, like right now.

"aye! Pachuco!" you shrilled in pure excitement as one of your dad's friends that you grew up with walks in through the front door.

your convivence store was a little bit different than your regular 7/11 or liquor store.

the counter was all the way in the back, so it would be a bit hard to see who's coming in unless you look at the reflective circular mirror that was at each corner.

Pachuco dressed exactly like his name though, you could not miss him from miles away.

"como estas, neña!?" you leave your section behind the counter, greeting him as you smile at his term of endearment.

you enjoyed the times your job and store gave you, especially moments like these because you never knew if it could be someone you knew who can walk through the doors at any moment.

"I've been good! what will it be today?" you question happily as you get back behind the counter.

"how's that little boyfriend of yours?" the question was a harmless one, he didn't have a single idea that you guys broke up, but you still felt yourself wince at the mention.

"aye pachi, boys will be boys." you state simply, not wanting to get into it.

he observed your demeanor as you pulled out his favorite pack of cigars from the back-shelving.

"then just two Tylenols, gracias Mija—ay! what did i tell you? don't fuckin' date this age. to be honest, we never stop being dumbasses! Jaja—es un milagro que mi esposa no me haya dejado!" Pachuco laughs out as he pays.

you let out a laugh with him before giving him one last hug before he is on his way out, waving goodbye and throwing him a smile.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

“so kiddo….y’tellin’ me that you finally get a girl that gets—you— t’dance and y’dont text her?” Joel summarizes to his understanding at Ellie’s rundown of that night while cleaning grease from the wrench he held.

Ellie just stood there with an awkward look on her face “I thought I raised you right…” Joel grumbles out teasingly.

the awkward look completely fell into a straight-doomed face “jokes kiddo! jus’jokes!” Joel chuckles out, putting the wrench down and popping the hood of the car he was working on.

“ugh! why did I even tell you!” Ellie now began to complain, throwing her gloves off and onto the chair she was once sat on.

“oh, c’mon now! jus’admit it….it was love at first sight.”

the phrase his Ellie’s ears completely drowning out all her sense.

Joel’s voice echoed through her ears with only you as the single thought that lied on her head for what felt like was already decades.

“you wouldn’t even believe her beauty, man…”

Joel knew you were kind of-talking to him, but you were so lost in thought it was almost as Ellie was trying to process it herself still.

“alright alrigh’—why don’t you go down t’store and get us couple drinks, yea?”

Ellie agrees with a nod her head before hold her palm out towards Joel’s direction.

“what?” Joel questions with a hip popped as he works on the popped-hood.

“the money, fam” Ellie remarks simply.

Joel’s expression glazed as ellie continues for stand there with a cheeky expression causing a roll of his eyes.

“fine ma’treat” he mocks out, pulling out a 10 from his jean-pocket.

“awh! thank you Joel.” Ellie’s tone was sarcastic as she threw joel a goofy grin that joel returned.

“you almost 21, y’know that right?” Joel interjected sassily with an eyebrow raised.

“that’s why you let me near the stove now!” ellie bantered childishly before grabbing her headphones; leaving out the car-repair lot.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

♫₊˚.🎧 now playing: land of the snakes

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

Ellie walked down the cracked gray pavement as she took in her surroundings.

she observed each end of each street, looking at the street signs as she walked down; headphones blasting Cole.

she looked at the gas stations, smoke-shops, and laundromats as she crossed the cross-walk as she turned the street more into the busy neighborhood.

she peered an eye-out for a store as her head moved to the beat of the music, the buzzing of the street inaudible to ellie.

she watched as a group of women were walking up with different drinks in her far-view from more down the street.

Ellie followed the direction from where they came from turning the corner. at first, she was greeted with a plaza and a parking lot.

she passes the plaza slightly and it was almost hidden if a person werent looking in the right direction, they would miss it.

Ellie did not miss the store that she assumed the girls must’ve come from.

she couldn’t miss it when the convenience store had a mural of La Virgencita.

Ellie stopped dead in her tracks, only paying attention to the music in her headphones as she couldn’t fathom it.

♫ ain't no wedding and I do the most here

I'm the President you the co-chair.

you the player, yeah, I'm the coach here.

—I coast here.

this weather got me set up on this West Coast shit, yeah ♫

Cole playing in my ear and im seeing this? fuck my life.

Ellie pondered to herself as she just stared at the store, taking in the mural while the lyrics rang through her mind straight into the recollection of you.

her mind recalling your brown skin and the your gold jewelry sparkled as your eyes pierced through her.

she could feel her heart pounding against her chest as she observed the beautiful painting on each side of the store.

Ellie felt she was going mad but every single part of her reeling her in like fish on a rod.

she felt closer to you somehow.

like as if you were there.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

call yourself unprofessional but it wasn’t like you worked in a office or something.

if that was the case, you definitely wouldn’t be rolling up like you are right now.

you took the split cigarillo that was now packed with good greens up to your lips to lick a slick stripe along the cigarillo before pinching it sealed.

you grabbed your lighter, flicking it open as you focused on the ignited flame; drying your saliva into the blunt.

your focus was interrupted by the sound of the store-bells chiming.

no mamés—im on my fucking break. did they not read the fucking sign.

you complain mentally as you remember switching the ‘We’re Open’ to ‘Closed’.

you walk out from the backroom where the surveillance cameras were back behind your counter.

you knew someone entered but you couldn’t see who.

you decided to duck into the room real quick to put the rolled blunt into the wrapper; placing it in your sweater-pocket.

♫ nothin’s impossible

and all you lame—show me what not to do

i met a real bad bitch in the club tonight

she told me, “Watch the snakes ‘cause they watching you” ♫

Ellie was greeted with aisles of merchandise the second she walked in. she took a few steps down, passing a few aisles as she got closer to the section of refrigerators.

she wasn't paying attention much to her surroundings as she just took in the style of the store. she moved one-side of her headphones off her ear before opening the fridge and grabbing a lemonade for herself, and a sparkling water for Joel.

Ellie turned the corner, catching a glimpse of the clerk counter but she didn't see anyone behind it. she went down the aisle that was now in-front of the counter, grabbing her favorite bag of chips and a slim-jim.

now the next moment that happened.... Ellie swore it was all in slow motion.

if Ellie thought something was wrong with her brain before, her entire cerebellum just shut down for fucking sure.

she turned around with full expectation of having to wait and not seeing you behind that counter.

it genuinely was a miracle.

it was like the universe had been listening all along to the both of you, plotting this moment perfectly to unfold divinely.

Ellie dropped the snack items that were in her right hand, drinks in her left as her pupils flared. completely gleaming her eyes at you just standing there.

♫ now if you only had one wish is it devious?

'cause you already know who your genie is

ain't get a cover now your mag on my penis

like damn, he turned out to be a genius ♫

you felt frozen in place as you both burn into each other’s stare, neither of you processing the moment.

you caught a glimpse of the 'random woman' when her head was turned. she had her hair up in a loose bun and from the back—what looked like a black jumpsuit.

the second she turned around, your heart stopped.

you actually felt your heartbeat turn irregular as you were sure your eyes were gaping as jaw slacked obscurely.

you both were just gawking at each other absentmindedly. slowly, you began to remember how the woman didn't even text you and now here she was; meaning she lived in the area. your area.

you felt yourself emotions fume up "are you gonna pay or?" you nettled out, sounding way meaner than you meant too. you bit your lip in regret as you watch Ellie blink herself back into reality.

she took a step closer, still feet away from the counter you were behind. she tore her eyes from yours.

the woman didn't owe you anything but for some reason, you found yourself pushing for an answer "you come in here for that-" you began, taking your manicured nail and pointing at the items she held in her hands "or for somethin' else?" you finish questioning.

your tone was still bothered but you weren't rude.

Ellie didn't miss a single emotion though, feeling each one of your emotional vibrations straight into her heart. she wanted to open her mouth to explain everything.

in her heart, she was ready to tell you how you made her feel something no one else ever has before or how she wanted to ask you out to a fancy restaurant like she's never done because she's never met a woman who oozed of such divine elegance; while your looks could kill anyone with just one glance.

for fuck-sake, she's looks even better than I imagined.

Ellie knew this was the worse time to be checking you out, but this was something only Ellie had been dreaming about. she needed to soak in this moment.

you were wearing a black Juicy tracksuit; the zipper was halfway zipped revealing the pink halter that slightly pushed your breasts up complimented by your signature cat-eye liner and cocoa-lined lips.

your bronze skin shining through the same statement gold necklaces on the night she first met you, your hoops this time were small gold ones that Ellie didn't miss them. she took in the same details and your different ones.

you crossed your arms starting to get more irritated as you felt like the woman was judging you.... not checking you out.

“i-i’m—” ellie huffed as her eyes didn’t leave the floor before finally gaining the confidence to stride herself over and placing all the items on the counter.

“i’m sor-” you cut her off.

“i’m not gay.”

if you thought ellie’s facial expression was wistful and apologetic, her face went sour—completely deadpanning as each syllable was uttered out your mouth.

you jump immediately “wait!—” now it was your turn to take a breathe, Ellie didn’t move from her spot although her heart felt like it had been ripped out her chest.

“I’m not sure…. it’s a long story.” your explanation was pathetic.

"I was just gonna apologize...I see..." Ellie’s eyes trailed off from yours down onto the items on the counter as she dug into her pockets.

you examined her, trying to pick up on any sense of how she felt.

you looked at her up and down, she was wearing a mechanic jumpsuit that had a few stains and a white wife-beater under it. you felt yourself grow nervous at how good she looked; she looked worked out, but it made you even more attracted to her.

the small details of her becoming clearer as her freckles on her face were kissing her all across her cheeks, you took in how her clothing looked like she just came from a car-shop, and how her loose bun let a few free strands fall in her face.

you felt her rooted into you completely, just taking in her appearance bloomed your heart.

you felt yourself sigh once more, picking up the merchandise scanner and scanning each item. your hand wanted to shake so bad as the invisible blimps of your skin goosebump.

say something, say something.

your mind was burdensome as you force a sentence out of you "I'm-I'm on my break. the sign said closed." your voice was low, wanting to be hidden almost.

Ellie watches you bag her snack and drinks, rubbing the back of her neck to ease the tension that riled within her racing body; heart thrashing against her chest.

"the mural—it caught my attention.... I didn't even know there was a sign." Ellie's eyes meet yours once again.

"I understand if you didn't like me." you rush out, Ellie almost didn't catch it as you held onto her bag of items; she didn't even get the chance to hand you the 10 bill yet.

Ellie thought she was hearing things, there was no fucking way you just stated that shit.

she couldn't help but let out a very audible scoff.

"you ain't even let me say'somthin''" you could hear somewhat of a country undertone in her now loud and clear voice. nothing like the first night, where you could barely hear her.

you rolled your eyes as you felt no hope with the woman, handing her the bag.

"I never said that did I?" Ellie didn't hand you the bill yet, still in her hand. the way she let the sentence fall from her lips made your face hot.

she finally handed you the 10 "you said you were on your break?" she hinted as she held the bill in-between her fingers, making you grab it from her.

you lean in, reaching your hand out but not grabbing the bill "don'tcha know it's rude to interrupt a lady's smoke sesh?" you tease.

"m'sorry mama, any way to make it up to you?" Ellie slys out as you both flirt over the counter with each other like some shit out of a movie.

"join me?"

"i could listen to that 'long story' of yours"

you both gave each other a soft smile as you chuckled, finally taking the ten and putting it in the register before stepping outside your store with the fine roughed-up woman.

༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻ ༺ ♱ ༻

the moment was picture perfect.

you both stood outside your shop, the mural captivating the background behind the both of you as you leaned against the gumball machines that were outside on the side of your shop-doors with Ellie in front of you.

you took the blunt out of the wrapper the cigarillo originally came in, taking it between your lips.

Ellie watched you bring your signature lighter up to the tip to ignite it. you puffed on it a couple times, flicking the lighter to crisp the edges to make sure it burned correctly.

you handed her the blunt, eyes meeting as you caught her staring. there was a moment of silence as she puffed herself. you kicked your feet up in a soft bored-playful manner as you continue to challenge your mental.

"Ellie..." you began, her name falling off like butter as it sounded like a lullaby to Ellies ears. she had all ears and eyes on you as she continued to drag out the blunt.

"I would love to tell you everything—but for right now...." you took a deep breath as you felt the cottonmouth begin to catch you.

Ellie leaned closer, putting a hand over yours comfortingly. she did it unconsciously, by the time she even realized she had her hand on your shoulder; she was already feeling ready to comfort you to even mentally process.

"that's okay-like I said, I'm all ears"

you couldn't process how compassionate she was with you as you spoke up.

"not too long ago, I broke up with a long-term boyfriend—he cheated that's not the point—the point is that.... I have never been with anyone besides him." you explain, your pauses being inhalations of the sparked bud.

Ellies brows furrowed but she listened to you intently, she couldn't believe a woman like you could ever be cheated on.

"I'm sorry, you don't deserve someone like that." she reassures once more causing your heart to skip a beat.

you disregard the comment by giving her a soft smile and passing her back the blunt, not wanting to focus too much on that aspect "I know I sound complicated, but I just never got the chance to figure it out" your voice was somber, picking at your fingers nervously.

your breath hitched as her hand gently picked up your face by your chin, her face a good distance from yours as the steps she took closer to you only closed the space that was left between the both of you.

"y'know that is not your fault right?"

those words brought you back to what Dina told you weeks ago.

"thank you...." you gave her a weak smile as you trailed off "not what you thought, huh?" you gave her this look of pity, not for her but for yourself.

"maybe not but to be fair, I was thinking a lot worse after 'I'm not gay' right then and there" Ellie lightens the mood by making the both of you laugh as you continue to smoke together.

"i may not know much—" you puff out before taking a couple more hits of courage out of your blunt.

"but I know I really like you, Ellie."

your voice was sincere, not a single doubt, or hint of all of this being a 'joke'. she searched your face to see any hence of regret or anxiousness. she found none.

your face was assured and if anything, you had straightened yourself up more which inched your faces closer slightly as your confidence flourished through you within seconds.

the switch up drove Ellie crazy.

your demeanor screaming 'I know what I want' and it was all pointing towards the woman in front of you in this dirty black jumpsuit which made her look ravishingly good.

Ellie followed your confidence naturally, something only you were able to derive out of her so easily.

she inched her face closer as you let out of puff of a cloud of smoke in front her face in a playful manner before her face met yours, now only feet away from yours.

"been one night and I already can't think of any other woman than you, mama."

your heart was running a thousand miles per second.

the same nickname she called you affecting you more than before.

"that why you ain't text me?" the real question of the evening.

the confidence Ellie had just gotten completely diminished.

"I'm not maddd" you drag out, reaching a hand to tug on her jumpsuit gently as you smirk. you weren't anymore.

Ellie was like putty under anything you did, your look and if you commanded her to do anything; she would do it in a heartbeat and Ellie knows she would.

just like that, her tense aura calmed down.

"i was so fucking ready to ask you out on some fancy shit. i was gonna tell you im picking you up at 7, having a whole ass bouquet while you stepped down all divine as fuck—i was so close! my fucking fin—"

Ellie couldn't finish your sentence by the crashing of your lips onto hers.

the kiss wasn't heated or fast, it was purely passionate. you both sulked into each other as your bodies needed this. you indulged in the warmth you both brought each other, your arms wrapping around her neck as the once lit blunt blew out while still in between your middle and ring finger.

the mix of the tobacco from the cigarillo creating a swish in the taste of each other's tongues in distasteful pleasure as neither of you could care or process anything besides being together right here in this moment like a heaven-sent.

if this was the work of the divine, ellie found herself mentally thanking them as your lips moved in sync together.

Ellie pulled away with the biggest smile on her face, biting her lips ever-so-softly before speaking.

"Is there any way tis'beautiful woman could spare a poor mechanic woman one more chance?" Ellie takes a hand, placing it across her heart dramatically causing small giggles to erupt out of you.

you pick up on how ellie mentioned she was a mechanic. ‘that’s so fucking hot’ you thought to yourself.

Ellie watched you in pure admiration and beauty "and what would that be, hmm?" you hum out contently, your forehead's brushing against each other.

"that date. you and me, and a fancy dinner—how about it, mama?"

Ellies eyes gleamed hopeful as your gaze's pour into each other.

"i thought you would never ask, bebé"

there you two were, rekindling outside of a convenience store.

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princncess · 4 months

Text

“how do i give my dom aftercare when i’m Beyond Fucking Wrecked?”

so you just got kneed in the stomach a double digits amount of times, railed in the ass with something that definitely shouldn’t go up there, and had your lights choked the fuck out. now the scene is over and it’s aftercare time. problem is, you can barely move a muscle, let alone string a couple words together. how do you aftercare your dom in this state?

set things up beforehand

you can’t be expected to operate at full capacity in that state, but you’re not always in that state. set up methods of communication beforehand, the same way you’d tell someone “when i’m nonverbal, here’s how i communicate” in a moment when you are able to talk. for example, i use hand squeezes: no squeeze means i’m hurt badly, one squeeze means i’m ok but need aftercare for myself, two means i don’t need anything. two squeezes also means i love you. be sure you ask what specifically your dom needs from aftercare so you can tailor your setup to that. if your dom needs to know something specific, set up a signal for it.

your dom might be wrecked too! beating someone up is hard work and especially if they’re disabled they might be as tuckered out as you are. you need to know that before you both actually go and get tuckered out. what’s really helpful, though it can’t be done in every case, is to have someone not involved in the scene around so they can help bring you both what you need (make sure this person isn’t neglected either!). have cozy spaces and physical needs (water etc) already set up.

low energy signaling

if you’re wrecked, you’re probably not in a position to give a lot of physical aftercare, but handholding and finger movement take minimal energy and can go a long way, especially with the signals i talked about earlier. rubbing your doms hand with your thumb is a loving comforting gesture. make some happy satisfied noises to show your enjoyment. you can give “mhm”s and nods to questions like “are you ok,” “did you enjoy that,” etc, just make sure to also volunteer that information without prompting when you’re able to. if you’re the one to mention that you’re ok and happy, it can be easier to believe than if you just answer yes to a question.

delayed aftercare

delayed aftercare is half “finishing up the aftercare” and half “upkeep.” (delayed aftercare is especially important in my case, because one of the things i particularly enjoy in a scene is having some time to just wallow in agony and despair after what happened to me. this is, of course, discussed beforehand, like all things should be.)

as you recover and become able to fully function again, the caliber of your aftercare can increase, and you can do “the rest” of what needs to be done for aftercare. all the reassurances that take mental energy to formulate and speak, all the massaging, cuddling, discussing. just because immediately after the scene, you did some aftercare-y stuff, doesn’t mean you don’t have to finish now.

while this slightly delayed aftercare is good, it’s also nice to do some “upkeep,” long-term delayed aftercare, abating any lingering domdrop from scenes past. mention things they said that stuck in your head, things you want to try again, ways they helped you, things you still touch yourself thinking about. maintain your dom’s confidence in themself. if the dom does not feel loved…

and lastly, you better, you absolutely fucking better, take initiative to do nice things for your dom. taking action, giving care, comforting, and providing are NOT some sort of betrayal of your position as a sub, they are part of your responsibility as a person in a relationship.

i welcome criticism and additions on this post. doms, please speak up with more things that would help you, or point out anything that feels like it needs clarification or correction. let us hear your perspective. subs, share tips you have that i didn’t mention. i’d love for anyone with experience to add their insight on how to navigate the interactions between disability and hard kink.

#never really saw myself as an “aftercare psa” type person. huh #gonna have to make a subtly abusive version of one of these later

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swarvey · 2 months

Text

paper rings | harvey x f!reader

summary -> harvey forgets something a bit important; you make a surprise appearance. warnings -> self-deprecating thoughts, panic attacks, drinking wc -> 3284

a/n: alternate chapter title: all too well. (just between us, did the love affair maim you too?)

ugh another chapter with a hard title to pick! i was completely torn between betty and all too well, but betty ultimately ended up fitting the story pretty well.

hope you enjoy!! <3 there is more to come, so let me know if you want to be tagged in the following parts!!

ch. 9 | ch. 10 | ch. 11

paper rings masterlist

chapter ten: betty -> "so i showed up at your party."

Harvey quite liked the snow. It wasn’t as gloomy as the Spring rain, nor was it as draining as the Summer sun — it simply fell peacefully from the sky, covering the earth in a chilly blanket. Pelican Town looked beautiful during the Winter, and although it was the busiest season for the clinic, Harvey would say it was his favorite time of the year.

Usually it was, anyway. It was a bit hard to enjoy the first snowfall when he was locked up in his room, dried tears sitting on his skin as he flipped through the photobook you gave him as a gift after he graduated high school.

He was sure he looked pathetic; he hadn’t left his apartment for three days, barely eating and not bothering to change out of his pajamas. What was the point? Nothing was really making sense anymore. His life had been stable for so long, but now, he felt like everything had changed. There was no one to blame except for him, of course.

So, instead of dealing with the present, Harvey chose to dwell on the past, sniffling as he looked at your picture smiling up at him. His head throbbed, surely due to dehydration, but he ignored it, continuing to wallow in the memories where he was still just your best friend from Pelican Town. He stopped at one particular photo that carried a bit more meaning to him, though he was sure you would write it off as just another day.

The two of you were standing in front of Harvey’s first car — it was used and beat to hell, but it was his nonetheless, and, not to mention, a gift from his parents. He was seventeen at the time, and had already been borrowing the family car for ages. To make the occasion even more special, you’d been visiting him when they surprised him with it, clasping your hands together as he walked up to it in awe.

“Quick, you two, let’s take a picture!” his mom had said, holding up her old polaroid. “Oh, Harvey, stop being shy, get closer. There you go, ready?”

It was a nice photo, he couldn’t deny that. What Harvey remembered the most from that day, though, was what happened after.

Your phone rang, your new boyfriend’s name taking up your phone screen. Harvey always had to bite his tongue whenever you mentioned him — he was his complete opposite, after all. He’d always subtly question you about him, asking how he treated you and if you were happy, but was never convinced he was really right for you.

That is, until he saw how your face lit up; how your laugh rang loudly in his ears, only when you were talking to him; how you were undoubtedly happier than you’d ever been, all because of him.

Harvey never made you laugh like that, did he? Would your eyes ever shine like that because of him?

That day, a new insecurity was lit inside him — was he even enough for you? Was it selfish to want you all to himself, when you found so much joy in others? What if he made a mistake that made you regret being with him?

Harvey let the photo album slip from his fingers, landing on the floor beneath him as his head fell into his hand. He hated being such a coward, but at that point, he figured it must be in his blood. He couldn’t remember a time where he wasn’t so weak, so dependent. It made him an easy target throughout grade school and middle school, only lessening up in high school when he started to keep to himself more. Although it was a bit of a cold thought, he remembered being grateful you didn’t live near him at the time. It meant you never got to see his true self; a loser who ate lunch by himself every day and was in love with his best friend, but didn’t have the courage to do anything about it.

I suppose some things never change.

As he solemnly lifted his head, Harvey’s glassy eyes focused on the snowflakes falling outside his window. The only image stuck in his mind was of your devastated face as he left you on your porch, shocked that he had managed to do the one act he’d sworn to avoid with his life — he hurt you, and he was sure it was by far the most shameful thing he had ever done.

By some twisted reasoning, though, he was convinced it was for the better.

Harvey was weak where you were strong; he lacked confidence where you took charge; he hid and lied while you spilled your truth to him, and all he could do was panic. You were the blazing Summer sun, bringing life and hope to the land, while he was the bitter Winter snow, killing anything in its path. He wasn’t meant to be with someone like you. He was beyond disappointed in himself for not realizing it sooner. You were the one shining flame of light he’d known his entire life, and he put you out.

The falling snow looked as if it were dancing, and Harvey had never missed you more.

As he bent down to pick up the photo album, his eyes caught the calendar beside the window. His eyes widened slightly, humorlessly laughing to himself as he put the photos away.

It was his birthday, and he hadn’t even realized.

You knew what day it was. Of course you did, it was the only date you had yearly reminders set up for, not that you really needed them. Since Harvey’s birthday was during the Winter, it meant you almost never got to celebrate with him in person, except for the rare occasions where you would go and see him. You could still vividly picture the first time you surprised him in college during break — you kept in touch with his parents so you could plan out your trip with them, much to their delight.

“Don’t tell him I said this, but Harvey’s always had a bit of trouble making friends at school,” his mom once told you, a soft sadness in her eyes. “He’s very lucky to have you as a friend, you know. You’re good to him.”

Not good enough, apparently, you sourly thought. “Angry” was an understatement to how you felt — you were frustrated and exhausted, not just because he’d shut down your feelings, but because it felt like Harvey essentially threw away all the years you spent being his best friend. None of it made sense to you, how he said he cared about you and then had the nerve to walk away. Honestly, it felt like you were dealing with a moody teenager who blasted angsty music in his room all the time. You scowled.

“Moo.”

One of your cows looked at you expectedly, and you realized you were still holding the bundle of hay in your arms.

“Sorry,” you apologized, quickly throwing it in the trough. She seemed to huff a thanks to you as she slowly bent her head down, blissfully careless about any complex relationship problems. You envied her.

As you left the barn, you couldn’t help but let your guilt consume you. You had never missed a birthday text to Harvey before, and although you weren’t quite sure what terms the two of you were on, it still felt wrong. You knew him well enough to know there was probably some stupid reason for his actions that he was hiding from you, but you couldn’t figure out what it was. You hated it when he pulled stupid moves like this — in the past, he would always keep his mouth shut whenever you tried to plan something with him, never failing to say, “We can always do what I planned next time. I don’t mind, really.”

You scoffed at the words he’d said to you countless times over the years, angrily letting your front door shut as you threw your gloves on your table. It sometimes felt as though he thought being a couple years older than you meant he knew everything, that his needs should always be put last when it came to you. Sure, it was cute the first couple times, but it didn’t take long for you to start feeling bad. You couldn’t remember the last time he got first pick for a movie or a restaurant — unless, of course, you “coincidentally” wanted to do the same thing. It was infuriating, really, and definitely not thoughtful or heartwarming at all. You hated it. You absolutely hated it.

At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself.

Deep down, you knew it was one of the reasons you adored Harvey so much. No matter the situation, his care for others always prevailed above any of his other feelings, even when it meant he would get hurt. A fatal flaw, really. You reminded him of his habit whenever you got the chance, but he always brushed off your comments with a light laugh.

“Now who’s worrying too much, hm?”

You let out a sigh as you sat on the edge of your bed, eyes flitting over to the collared shirt hanging in your closet. You quickly realized the grave mistake you’d made after leaving Harvey’s apartment that day, as you swore your entire house smelled like him now. It probably didn’t help that you hadn’t done many renovations yet, so the space was pretty confined. The lasting power of his cologne was impressive, to say very the least, but not impressive enough to make your mood any better. The smell made you miss the person you felt was your other half.

Truthfully, you doubted anything could lift your spirits. The last time you felt so lost was after you quit your job at Joja, but at least your grandfather’s note had saved you back then. You choked up at the thought of him, wishing more than anything that he was still alive to give you some wisdom. There wasn’t a day that passed where you didn’t think of his warm hugs and tender voice.

With him gone, who was left?

You paused at the thought, looking back at Harvey’s shirt. You could practically see his little smile and sunkissed cheeks.

No. You couldn’t see him, you didn’t want to see him, not after what he’d done. You had enough self-respect to put your foot down when you knew you needed to. Who needs him? I was fine without him then, I can be fine without him now.

That’s what you told yourself for a solid couple of seconds, maybe.

Then, you thought about all the times Harvey never got to eat at his favorite restaurant and missed the movie he’d been wanting to watch, just so he could see you smile.

You hadn’t even fully registered your thoughts as you grabbed the cursed shirt from your closet and took the dried bouquet off your wall, running down your porch before you could change your mind.

Harvey hadn’t cried so much since he was a kid. A sad reality he had to face on his birthday of all days, but it was true.

Actually, the last time he’d found himself bawling so hard his chest hurt was when he’d been saying goodbye to you the last summer before the two of you entered high school. The place you were attending was a bit further away, and mixed with the fact that Harvey would begin to take summer courses, you both knew your visits to Pelican Town would be limited. Even back then, he couldn’t bring himself to shed tears in front of you. As far as you knew, he left you with a smile and a wave, not the hiccuping sobs he dealt with back at home.

Now, a familiar, suffocating feeling consumed Harvey’s chest as he buried his tears in his arm, the nearly half-empty bottle of whiskey on the table most certainly not helping his case. It wasn’t like him to drink his feelings away, much less on his birthday, but he figured it was a special occasion. It wasn’t every day he lost the one person he’d sworn to never lose.

God, it hurt to think he would never make you laugh again, make you happy. That’s all he ever wanted, ever since he was little. Even on the days where he got home from school sporting a fresh bruise on his face, his face would light up at the sight of a phone call from you, feigning a happy tone as he listened to you talk about your day. It helped him get through it, in a way, to hear about your life. The way your voice pitched higher every time you got excited was something he would always treasure.

He loved you, more than anything, and in the end, that was what made him push you away.

Harvey lifted his head, wiping his face as he stoically poured himself another glass. The liquor went down smoothly, leaving a satisfying burn on his tongue. Part of him wished Elliott or Shane was there to console him, but he’d been adamantly ignoring their texts and calls. He hoped they would find it in themselves to forgive him.

Two knocks on his door broke him out of his thoughts, making him jump in his seat.

“Harvey? You there?”

He froze.

No, it couldn't be. Am I really that drunk?

“Open up. Seriously, Harvey, come on.”

He was on his feet in an instant, his hand resting for a moment on the doorknob before pulling it open.

Snowflakes were scattered on top of your hair and eyelashes, making you seem to glitter in the light of his kitchen. He wished he could tell you how beautiful you looked.

“Y/N,” Harvey breathed, and he felt a stray tear run down his face at the sight of you. “Y-You’re here.”

“How could I stay away, asshole?” you asked, voice filled with a mixture of anger and sadness. He let out a light grunt as you forcefully shoved something into his chest, pushing past him and into his apartment wordlessly. After closing the door, he turned to face you, noticing your crossed arms and how you were looking at the ground, certainly in an effort not to start crying. It was a tactic he’d seen you pick up over time.

“Y/N,” Harvey repeated, savoring the sound of your name leaving his lips. “I—”

“Save it.”

He looked down to realize he was holding the shirt you borrowed from him, along with the bouquet you usually had beside your bed.

In other words, he was holding a bouquet. A dried one, sure, but a bundle of flowers nonetheless, and it was from you.

His heart seemed to lurch, and he gently laid both on top of his bed.

You didn’t even mention the items you handed him. Instead, your nose scrunched as you turned to his dining table, picking up the whiskey bottle. “Have you been drinking? Yoba, Harvs, you know you’re supposed to do something fun on your birthday, right?” He didn’t miss the slight shake in your voice as you put it down. “Seriously, have you been home all day?”

Harvey cleared his throat, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “Yes, um, I’ve been home for quite a bit, actually,” he admitted, feeling the haze of the alcohol fog his thoughts. “I . . . couldn’t bring myself to leave.”

You paused to think about his words, then shook your head. “You know you fucked up, right?” you questioned, a fiery look fueling your eyes — though Harvey could also see the hurt lying underneath. “I’ve called you a lot of things over the years, but a liar has never been one of them. You said everything’s about me, that you love me—”

“That wasn’t a lie,” he interrupted, suddenly desperate. He stepped towards you, feeling a part of his heart break off when he saw tears shining in your eyes. “Please, if there’s anything you take away from that, from us, just know everything I said was true.” Harvey took a shaky breath, fighting to keep his voice from breaking. “Everything reminds me of you — the sun, the beach, the forest, the city, this entire damn town is filled with bits and pieces of . . . of just you. There’s not a moment that goes by where you’re not on my mind, Y/N, I assure you. You truly are the light to my darkness.”

You took one step back, looking at him with emotions swirling in your gaze. “You say that, and yet, there’s still a part of you holding back,” you whispered brokenly, and Harvey had never hated himself more.

“Why are you so scared, Harvey?”

“Because I don’t deserve you!” he cried, tears running freely down his cheeks as an all too familiar panic swelled in his chest. He turned away, rubbing his face with both his hands in an effort to steady himself. He kept his back to you as he spoke to the floor. “I love you, with all my being, but I know I’ll only hold you back. It’s what I’ve been doing since we were kids, it’s what I always do. I-I can never be enough, no matter how badly I want to, no matter how hard I try—”

Strong arms wrapped around his torso from behind, and Harvey felt as if his world was crashing down.

“That’s the thing, Harvs,” you said quietly, and he could tell from your voice your own tears had broken loose. “You’ve always been enough, but we’ve both just been too dumb and blind to see.”

Harvey managed a defeated laugh at that, making sure his breaths were even before turning to see your face. You looked at him with a sad smile, keeping one hand on his back as you reached over to swipe his wet cheek with your thumb. He leaned into the warmth of your palm and closed his eyes, reveling in the contact he’d missed dearly.

“I love you,” he murmured, opening his eyes.

You nodded, bringing your hand down to the nape of his neck. “I love you, too,” you replied, “no matter how much of an idiot you are.”

He huffed another laugh, feeling lighter than he had in weeks. “Well, I suppose you’re not wrong. I did go to medical school, you know.”

“They obviously didn’t have a class on, ‘Telling Your Best Friend You’re in Love with Her,’ did they?”

“Not exactly.”

You rolled your eyes. “The flowers are your gift, by the way,” you mentioned, suddenly growing a bit shy. “Not my best effort, I know, but think of it as karma.”

“Your karma backfired, then, because that was the best gift you could’ve given me.” His arms tightened around you. “I knew there was something suspicious about it.”

“Whatever.” Your fingers grazed through his hair, and Harvey shivered at your touch.

“We’ll take things slow,” he promised quietly, and by then, the two of you had leaned impossibly closer to each other, lips grazing against each other’s as you spoke. “If that’s okay with you, of course.”

You hummed, smiling. “More than okay on my end,” you said, pausing before you added, “but a kiss isn’t too much, is it?”

He pretended to think before shaking his head and leaning forward. “Not at all.”

As Harvey’s lips gently met yours, he imagined he was healing the cracks he put in your heart, hoping you could feel all the unspoken words left on his tongue.

I missed you, but we’ll be okay.

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jensettermandu · 8 months

Text

-𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙨 𝙜𝙤 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙣, 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙨 𝙜𝙤 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚-

-𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖 𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚-

1.3

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𝘨!𝘱 𝘫𝘦𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘦 𝘹 𝘧𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

content warning; MDNI, morally grey characters, toxic relation/situationships, domestic abuse, violence, substance use/abuse, mentions of weight/toxic beauty standards, dubcon, a lot of smut (spitting, spanking, bondage, choking, rough sex, etc. appears), age gap (legal), mentions of sensitive topics, not made for glorification of toxic relationships.

chapter wc: 6k+

At this point, she couldn't even pinpoint why she kept going at it. It was the sex, but then it got too much. She put herself through all these feelings just for sex, she was putting her boyfriend through hell just for sex, and it no longer made sense to her. The fact that cheating could feel so good during the moment. At least the older woman made it feel good and at times she made it feel good outside the bedroom. It was all just more bad news.

Y/n glanced at Jennie who was on her phone as they sat in her bed, being busy with doing the studying like she said she needed. Vinci laid in the woman's lap which was already baffling enough to Y/n. It was overly odd to have the older woman sitting right beside her, in clothes and just being there–there being where Asher always was. On one hand, Y/n minded it, on the other, she didn't mind it because, despite their nature of somehow bringing out the worst in each other, she did enjoy being with Jennie. Not like she admitted it to herself or would to anyone.

She did want to blame Jennie for bringing out the worst in her, to blame her for her cheating. Y/n knew that she couldn't do that, but maybe she somehow could blame her for bringing out this ugly side in her. That toxicity that she wallowed in because of her, or maybe it had always been in her, but Jennie just knew how to bring it to life.

She couldn't figure it out.

"What is it?" Jennie questioned when Y/n glanced at her once again, she shifted in her spot to look better at her and Y/n sighed.

"Okay, I know what I said, but could you maybe help with this one and don't even–" Y/n gave in at last and quickly stopped Jennie whose lips tugged up into a small smile. The last thing she wanted was to feed Jennie's big ego, but the woman was good at these things and she needed help. It would be dumb not to ask for it.

"Fine, come here." Jennie prompted and turned her phone off.

"I am here." Y/n deadpanned as they sat shoulder to shoulder and getting closer didn't seem possible. Jennie sat up better as she was almost lying down, the cat got off her lap and moved to lay at the foot of the bed.

"I need the screen closer, I don't have glasses so I can't see from far." She reasoned.

"Of course, you had to be blind too."

"Sorry, Miss Perfect eyesight," Jennie grumbled while Y/n moved somewhat closer to her and moved the laptop.

"Oh no, I can't even see what the vinyl says and that's like five metres away." Jennie looked at the wall with vinyls, a few facing them and she could see what they said and she looked back at Y/n.

"So you wear lenses."

"No, I just squint because I don't want glasses or lenses. I like being blind." Jennie chuckled at the words and lifted her arm and Y/n automatically leaned forward a bit for the girl to wrap it around her.

"How do you drive?" She asked her as Y/n rested her head against her shoulder, Jennie adjusted the laptop to be able to see the screen. Her chin rested at the side of Y/n's head. She never really spent more time than needed with her flings, but despite her at times unbearable attitude, Y/n was still bearable to stay with. All those other women were too, but they just lacked what Y/n had and weren't worth the time once she had her release.

"I hope for the best and usually arrive at my destination without any accidents,"

"Usually?"

"There have been instances, but that's not important, help me now." Y/n ushered and nudged Jennie's ribs with her elbow who hummed. Her hand ran under the tee Y/n had on, caressing her warm skin as she looked at the screen before she went on explaining it to Y/n.

In moments like these, moments with the two of them together, when she was with Jennie. All that pain and guilt disappeared because it felt okay even if it shouldn't be. It just worked for some reason and that was unusual for Jennie because it never worked out for some reason. Maybe she hadn't been the problem but the girls she had surrounded herself with, Y/n was different from them. She wasn't one of those girls. She was much more and Jennie wanted to keep that around for as long as possible because it satisfied her.

"That's it?" Y/n asked in disbelief at how simple it had been all along, her hand grabbed hold of Jennie's and pulled it back down to her waist when she ran it to her breast. Jennie hummed and Y/n looked up at her, her eyes closing as she almost flinched when the latter placed a kiss against her temple. "You're welcome," Jennie said as the girl didn't thank her and scoffed instead, annoyed that she had spent so long trying to understand it only to get it in five minutes after Jennie explained it.

Jennie's eyes stayed on her, reaching her hand up to her hair and brushing it behind her ear. It made Y/n squirm when she kissed her ear, pressing it against her shoulder because of how it made shivers crawl all over her body. "You have sensitive ears." She had taken notice of how the girl would almost squeal when her ears got touched. It made her lean in again, tugging at it with her lips before blowing some air and Y/n pushed her away.

"Stop it."

"Does it turn you on?" She curiously asked.

"It does something, so stop it." Jennie decided to let her ears be for the meantime and instead looked over her seemingly perfect side profile. Jaw-defined, plump lips and an upturned nose gave Y/n an amazing side profile.

"You're so weird." She mumbled and turned her head to look at Jennie whose eyes she felt right on her. It was wrenching to feel her eyes on her this way, in a way that wasn't right in a house that was not hers. The way Jennie made her feel so many things, how she was able to make Y/n hate her in the span of a second only to have her begging for more the next. She knew where she had gone wrong. It wasn't when she cheated, but when she allowed Jennie to get tangled up in her sheets too and make it that much harder to leave.

"Why? I'm just being friendly." She shrugged, doing her best to avoid making it awkward because she was starting to get close to her. It was nothing new, the two pulled to each other like moths to a flame. There were just certain moments that made it too overwhelming for two people who were just fucking.

"Can I get to know you a bit better? I'm just curious." She broke the silence and crossed her heart, hoping it wouldn't turn out awkward. Jennie was genuinely curious about the girl who she only knew some things about. She wanted to know why she was drawn to her, what exactly was so different about her compared to the rest.

"What do you want to know?" Y/n gave in and closed the laptop as she had been at it the whole evening. It was close to 10 p.m. and she had been staring at the screen while eating too, leaving Jennie all quiet and alone. In the end, the latter agreed and knew that Y/n had to study.

"Where are you from?" Y/n put the device beside her on the bed

"Like what? Country, city or?" The question was one she had many answers to. It was all quite preceding that Jennie was trying to get to know her now after they had been in bed more times than she could count. It was preceding because they weren't supposed to have these conversations to start with but the longer they stayed the more they gave in to these new desires and stepped over more lines that shouldn't have been crossed.

"Everything."

"Chicago, moved here to study."

"That explains the accent." Y/n quirked an eyebrow at how quickly Jennie pointed it out.

"What? You say Cah instead of Car."

"I barely have it left after living in L.A.. You would be laughing if you met me when I first moved here." Jennie smiled at that, her eyes crinkling and she reached for Y/n's chin. She tilted her head up and left a peck on her lips before trailing over to her cheek, taking in the sweet smell of her skin. "There's still some Chicago left in those words, even the way you say Chi-cah-go." Jennie teased, mumbling against the girl's cheek and laughed when Y/n nipped her at the side of her ribs.

She pulled away and the girl looked somewhat annoyed. "Tell me more, are you truly American?" She prompted while looking into the grey in Y/n's eyes. This time it wasn't empty like it could be during certain moments that they shared. They weren't dead, Jennie hadn't killed the light in them yet. The girl looked like a model with her features, siren eyes, high and sculptured cheekbones, straight but slightly upturned nose, brown chestnut hair, and a defined jaw. It was her eyes and lips that always caught Jennie's attention the most.

"I was adopted from China by two people who I call mum and dad. I'm not Chinese though."

"You're adopted?" Jennie asked, taken aback by the answer from the girl who only shrugged her shoulders. It didn't change anything, but it made her realise that she didn't know her at all. It made her think about how other people knew Y/n much better, from one nerve ending to another, but yet only Jennie knew about her sins. She couldn't determine if it was better to know her for the outside or for the inside that was kept away.

Asher knew her, but he didn't know her. Not in Jennie's opinion. It didn't matter if he knew these things about her, Jennie knew her desires, she knew that she was cheating, and she knew Y/n better in her opinion, not Asher. He couldn't know her better when Jennie was the one who knew about her pain, shame, and guilt when she knew about these secrets kept from everyone else

"China's one-child policy. Dad is Volga Tatar, and Mum is East Slavic—but they reside in China or did at least. That's all I know." Jennie frowned at those words, something threaded in her, like a needle poking through and it did so a few times and made it tighter. Y/n didn't seem too bothered by it, but Jennie felt– she felt what? She couldn't pinpoint it. What did she even feel? She didn't like feeling things for anyone but herself. Jennie looked over the girl instead to get lost in the visual appeal as the outside was less complex. Surely her mother's genes won as she looked like a Slavic model.

"How old were you?"

"Five."

"Have you ever wanted to meet your biological parents or go back to your roots to learn about who you are? I've heard about how people feel like there's a part of them missing because they don't know where they truly are from." Jennie asked, being invested in it and Y/n frowned as she hadn't been asked about it before. She had been asked if she was curious about her biological parents, but not as deeply as Jennie decided to ask. It felt a bit too deep. She even sat up straight and removed herself from the girl, looking at her and waiting for the answer. She had heard things, but never really spoken to someone who was adopted. No one close to her at least.

"I don't know, I'm not sure, never really thought about it. I mean– I don't know, I grew up in a completely white household where we ate steak and mashed potatoes. I haven't thought about these things, my parents– Jennie...I don't know much and never really thought about it." She watched how the girl stumbled over the words, unsure of what she was supposed to answer. It was a never before answered question so she had nothing to truly say without maybe needing some time to think it through.

"It explains why it feels like a fur coat and hat is missing. You look like Irina Shayk but somehow hotter." Y/n giggled at that.

"I've been told that I do. Maybe we're related."

"Could be, but you'd make an amazing model or porn star," Jennie said as she looked over the girl's figure that she didn't mind being submissive at times. The things Y/n did to her, no one else could, truly no one else could because she had a hard time keeping an erection because of the standard Y/n had caused. It was more than physical, and skill.

"Okay, you always know how to give backhanded compliments." The girl clicked her tongue and averted Jennie's face to have her look away because her eyes were overwhelming. The older chuckled and grabbed hold of Y/n's hand, taking in hers as she looked the girl in the eye instead.

"That's all about me though. I don't know much more." She concluded.

"Okay, but you know that there are many ways to come in touch with who you are based on your roots." The woman brought it up, her fingers caressing the girl's knuckles, gently going over her skin as she found her soothing. It was like a natural drug for all her anxiety that she usually suppressed with drugs, but Y/n somehow brought it without really needing them. Maybe that was why she was sober at the moment.

"I do, never really done anything to do it though."

"Your parents?"

"They raised me as if I wasn't Slavic."

"If you want–" Jennie was cut off by the buzzing of Y/n's phone and the younger girl turned away from her. It made Jennie frown as she just dismissed her completely and got up from the bed with the phone against her ear. The frown only deepened when she heard the pet name which let her know that it was the guy.

It pissed her off, she couldn't pinpoint why but it did. Either because Y/n just forgot about her or because she forgot about her because it was Asher. He took Y/n's attention away from her. She just left the City of Sins, she walked right out the door and left Jennie alone to keep her secrets without any gratefulness for keeping them.

It didn't make sense, she shouldn't have answered if Jennie was right there to be with her. He could have waited until tomorrow when Jennie was gone. She took her phone and glanced at the door that was ajar as the girl had left the room. That anger kept bubbling in her chest. The girl never answered anyone's phone calls except his.

[A month ago]

"Why are you all over me!" The girl exclaimed in frustration, her nerves snapping like threads one after another. The constant feelings of the truth always kept her on the edge and got her angry much easier. Nothing wanted to work out. Her life was falling apart and she couldn't save any of the pieces as the quicksand right under her broken foundation was swallowing all the pieces before she could even grasp them.

"I'm not all over you, Y/n." Asher reasoned as he sat at the foot of the hotel bed. "You're the one being distant for no reason at all...I just wanted to spend some time with you alone." He continued and the girl groaned as she looked at the guy who was sitting. Fingers threaded through her hair in more frustration, somewhat shaky as she felt like crying. It was getting harder and harder to keep the tears at bay when the lump in her throat was like spikes. Everything made her emotional and she was losing her mind at times. Was it love or the drugs, or the damned truth that she was hiding?

She knew she brought it on herself. She didn't want him to be all loving, he made it difficult for her, she made it difficult for herself, and she hated that she hadn't been able to just leave the brunette or leave the guy.

She didn't deserve him and he didn't deserve someone like her, he deserved better. It hurt her, knowing that she no longer was everything he wanted her to be because she had grown selfish.

"I spend all my time with you, Ash. You don't let me breathe by constantly being right on me."

"The last time we did anything together was a good two weeks ago. We finally all leave together, no school, nothing to worry about and you push me away every second–"

"I don't push you away, Ash!" Y/n defensively let out despite knowing the truth. She couldn't help that she wasn't able to be around him without being swallowed by guilt, shame, pain, and despair; those feelings that only went away with Jennie. It didn't feel right when she was fucking someone else behind his back when she was thinking about the woman she was cheating on him with.

He inhaled deeply and messed up his locks as he ran his fingers through them. "Last time we had sex was over two weeks ago too, Y/n. You barely even want to kiss me." Her eyes hardened at that.

"So it's all about sex for you?" It was probably another one of the most selfish things she's done by turning it all around and making it his fault. It was something she was good at, it assured her that if anyone would leave it was her because it wasn't her fault, but his and he couldn't leave if he was at fault. She knew why she wasn't able to have sex with him. She'd be stuck thinking about how what he thought was just the two of them was all along someone else too. It felt unfair because she felt like dirt and didn't want it to get on him too.

"It's not, I didn't mean it like that–I just, Y/n...We just–" He seemed at a loss for words and Y/n scoffed.

"Fucking make up your mind." She hissed.

"I have made up my mind; you're fucking distant for no reason at all, and yes we haven't had sex for over two weeks which is quite frustrating too." He finally snapped back.

"Don't fucking cuss at me. If sex is all you fucking think about then there is the reason why I am distant. Maybe you'd show some more love than just in the bedroom." It was all bullshit, sex was never big in their relationship. She knew he didn't only think about sex. His love language was these small compliments and gestures that she had ruined, but it wasn't the sex that would happen twice a week if not once. The gestures lost their meaning when someone else was making gestures too and he wasn't the only one who did things for her.

If she was honest, she was the one who had constant sex and then getting home to be intimate with him twisted something in her because it got too much. It was just another excuse, she managed to twist it around to not make it her fault as she felt guilty enough. It didn't feel right to get out of one bed to go to another.

"I don't feel like fighting more than we already have." Y/n sighed as she grabbed her leather weekend bag as they had managed to arrive a good hour ago. The two were away from L.A. and in Milwaukee for the Summerfest with friends. It was yet another thing she had managed to ruin and blame it on someone else.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't fucking know, but you will ruin my whole fucking week if I stay with you." She grumbled as she wasn't up for staying with the guy. She wasn't able to do so without fighting with him for no reason at all and it would only ruin the whole getaway with their friends. Y/n didn't want to make their relationship worse than it already was.

"Fine, go then." She rolled her eyes at that, fed up with how much of a coward he was and always let her walk away. It felt pointless. He couldn't fight for her.

6:58 P.M. where are you?

Jennie put away the rolled-up bill while sniffling and looked at the message from the girl that felt weirdly random especially since she asked where she was and not if she was busy and wanted to fuck.

6:58 P.M. Hotel, what's up?

6:59 P.M. where though? im in Milwaukee

7:00 P.M. What're you doing here?

7:00 P.M. summerfest

7:01 P.M. Thought you weren't going. I'm in a suite in Milwaukee for the Summerfest I told you about it

7:03 P.M. well sue me but I forgot and there was a change of plans friend is working and got us free tickets do you wanna meet up?

Jennie looked up from her phone and bit her lower lip, the suite was empty of people and she quickly opened her contacts with another woman. It was a quick text that said 'don't come' before she opened her chat with Y/n as the model that she was supposed to be with during the weekend was long forgotten.

The thoughts were already swirling in her head and her hand that was resting under the hem of her boxers ran further down to her sweltering length that was coming to life from the imagination that would become a reality.

7:05 P.M. You cam come over I ill send driver

7:05 P.M. get the hand out of your pants :Location

Jennie quickly forwarded the location to her driver with details all while working on her dick. It made her last longer if she would jerk off before the girl came since she couldn't hold herself once she filled her cunt up. The snug and sopping grip of her pussy around her length, the way she would stretch her out, the sounds she would make, thinking about how she would colour her in her cum.

A breathless moan left her lips as she went right back to the chat with the girl.

7:11 P.M. Can't, so hard rn

7:13 P.M. when i get there I will let you empty your balls on my chest and face, let you fuck me on every piece of furniture, baby <33

When the girl arrived Jennie had just gotten out of the quick shower that she had taken after the release she had. "What's with the bag?" She asked as she pulled on a new pair of boxers, Y/n only glanced up from her phone as she was resting on the bed. Jennie adjusted herself and looked up at her to see her back on her phone again. The weekend bag hadn't gone unnoticed or the slight mood around her. Y/n always was unpredictable and Jennie was slowly learning for whatever reason.

"I had a fight and left, now I am waiting for my friend to get me a hotel room because most places are booked, but he knows some people." She simply explained, not going into detail although it was enough. Jennie frowned, grabbing her sweat shorts to put on too. It wasn't new to hear that the girl had fights with her man, but she had no clue what they were about although they seemed constant.

They never had been constant or serious at all before Jennie.

"He just let you leave?" She questioned and Y/n hummed.

"How can you be with someone like him?" Jennie asked, still baffled about how the guy was so easygoing and relaxed, especially with letting his girlfriend just leave. To leave without knowing where (leave to begin with), without knowing she had a place to stay, in a city miles away from home. He wasn't nearly a good enough boyfriend in Jennie's opinion even if he loved Y/n. Loving her wasn't enough and Jennie knew that.

"What does it matter to you?" Y/n looked up to see the girl dressed in a plain white tee and grey sweat shorts walking over to her.

"Just the fact that–" Jennie started and got up on the bed, crawling over to Y/n. She grabbed her knees that were raised and spread them open to make room between the slim thighs. The girl was dressed in a pair of loose jeans and a baby tee that clung to her body, her piercings protruding through the material. Y/n moved her phone away as Jennie nestled herself between her legs with a huff. "I wouldn't let that happen. I don't care if we fight, your safety matters more. You wouldn't get to leave" She finished and rested her forearms beside her head, leaning down and kissing along her neck.

"That's good, your future girlfriend will be lucky." Y/n's voice was monotone, not caring about what Jennie said as she tilted her head back while holding her phone up and still texting. Lips wetly kissed along the underside of her jaw and nipped, the woman inhaling the addicting sweet scent of the girl. "You're dating a coward, he doesn't even have the balls to stop his girlfriend from leaving him. It's pathetic." She mumbled, pressing further about how bad of a boyfriend she had as he didn't care about her safety but would rather let the steam blow off for his comfort. It wasn't what Y/n needed from Jennie's point of view.

"Good thing you have the balls to stop an army- just shut up about my relationship, it has nothing to do with you." Now she grew more annoyed than she had already been as she didn't like Jennie meddling in her relationship–pointing out the obvious and things that were just fine in Y/n's opinion. She didn't need an overprotective boyfriend although she wished he would man up a little–she blamed it on Jennie who had given her a taste of something she couldn't have. She had kind of hoped he wouldn't let her leave and give her reasons to stay—Jennie was somewhat right depending on how the situation would get handled.

She let out a grave hum as she pressed her heat against Y/n's, her dick slowly growing hard for the girl as she continued to kiss along her exposed skin. "It has to do with me when you decide to come after your little fights and talk about them." She trailed up, Y/n still holding her phone slightly above and beside Jennie's head with her head leaning more to the side.

"You asked, I answered, nothing more to talk about." She mumbled before her lips got captured by Jennie. The older woman tried to kiss her but it wasn't hard to realise that the girl was barely kissing back.

"Put your phone down." She grumbled and pulled away, pushing herself up with her palms planted beside Y/n's head–the girl took the opportunity to have the phone right in front of her face now. Her attention was undivided, staying on the phone, not listening to Jennie who was growing angry with Y/n ignoring her and what she had said.

"You can wait, I need to figure this out." It made something twitch in her when she told her to wait. She held back though and sat back on her heels as she licked her lips.

"You don't have to, you will stay here." She decided as she had nothing against sharing the suite with the girl. It would only come with benefits for them both and she would be able to make sure that the girl wasn't roaming the streets because her boyfriend was incompetent.

"Why would I stay with you?" Y/n asked with a chuckle as it would be too much to stay with Jennie, someone she was cheating with. They were just meeting to fuck, barriers would be broken if they stayed. They always parted ways after. No sleeping over, no cuddling, or spending time together.

"Cause I said that you will and so you will." There was that taste Y/n had grown somewhat addicted to.

Her hand reached for the phone and she took it out of the girl's hold who sat up right away. She turned it off and tossed it to the side.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing Jennie?" Y/n asked, clearly annoyed as she tried to move to grab her phone again. It didn't mean that she would submit to Jennie just because she liked the taste of her power, the dominance in her. Y/n didn't lower her own.

"I'm doing what someone needs to do since you have no one to fucking pull you down to ground level." She gritted out and grabbed hold of the girl who managed to get a hold of her phone once again. The stubbornness was doing unthinkable things to Jennie who was using her all to not snap further at the girl because she didn't want to go that far with her. The last thing she wanted was for the girl to run back to her sorry excuse of a boyfriend.

"Fucking let me go before I leave and block you. I'm not gonna put up with this shit when I come here to fuck." The whine got stuck in her throat when Jennie grabbed hold of her jaw and stood on her knees, towering the girl and it worked enough to make her feel somewhat smaller. The only difference for Y/n was their height as Y/n was a good three inches taller, but Jennie had an advantage when it came to everything else. She could feel her fingers pressing into her bones at her jawline.

"If you come here to fuck you fucking listen to me too. I said that you stay here so you will. You give me your phone before I take it and smash it into pieces. Block me and your boyfriend will find out what you've been up to lately."

The threats left word after word, there wasn't a single stutter in Jennie's speech as she continued to stare the smaller girl down. She quickly grasped at her wrist when she tried to pry her fingers away from her face.

"Are you okay in the head?" There was a slight quiver in Y/n's voice and she couldn't figure out if it was because of the pain in her jaw and wrist, her free hand planted on her phone that rested under her palm, or if it was a slight fear. She wasn't sure what she was fearing more in that case. If it was Jennie, or her telling Asher what had been going on, or just what the two of them would cause at some point. The fire was already out of control for them, but it only grew bigger, stronger, and wilder while destroying everything on its way. It was destroying them.

"Yes, but you won't be if you don't do as I say. That's a promise from the bottom of my heart. I will ruin everything for you, Y/n." Jennie waited, her tone had been at the thin line of calm and furious. She had let Y/n get on her nerves multiple times and she was still holding back on her, but she didn't like how disrespected she had made her feel by ignoring her. She was growing exasperated with how little control she had over the weak girl yet she kept her as Y/n pretended to be more than the girl who was under Jennie.

"You have mistaken me for your ex or a dog or something Jennie." This time Y/n moved her face away, slipping out of the tight and harsh grip as she used the hand that was in Jennie's hold to push the girl away. That power held over her was overwhelming as she had no clue whether to submit to it or run away from it, she tried to push it away. Although, she had no clue where to run if she wanted to.

At that point; Jennie was almost confused about what had happened because no one had done that before once she threatened them with multiple things. No one had talked back to her once she had their grip on them. Jennie's threats were never empty sounds, but they seemed to go through one ear and leave through the other for Y/n. It left Jennie in a point of distress at the control she didn't have.

"I'm fucking leaving 'cause you must've fucking hit your head." Y/n scoffed out and sucked air through her teeth as she looked at her reddening wrist while getting off the bed where Jennie was sitting. It was as if she had been hit by Y/n as if she had been the one threatened and thrown to the curb. It didn't feel right at all. It was as if Y/n had bruised her skin and not the other way around. It was all wrong and didn't make sense in her head.

Y/n was scared, but she couldn't tell if Jennie was up for actually ruining everything by reaching out to Asher or not. It could all have been empty threats for all she knew and she wasn't going to stay to not find out, but she was going to leave to find out. Then maybe there would be a reason for Asher to finally break up with her and free her from the chains of guilt and shame. That hatred which had been growing in the pit of her stomach and spreading through her whole body. It was as if each nerve was fueled by hatred towards herself.

Jennie quickly got off the bed and with a few quick steps made it over to Y/n who was just about to exit the bedroom through the double doors. The control was flying out of her head as she fought for a control she wasn't allowed to her; the control over Y/n. "You don't get to leave, do you fucking hear me? I'm not your fucking boyfriend who will just let you walk out. You're gonna get your ass on the bed and fucking stay!" Jennie snapped and shoved Y/n into the door, the girl yelped at the pain. She reached for the vixen's phone and this time threw it across the room, her hand gripping onto her shirt and holding her pinned against the wooden door as she stared at the girl who looked at her with eyes that held an intensity she couldn't figure out.

Was this what Y/n wanted when she wanted her boyfriend to man up? Was this what she wanted when she wanted Asher to ground her, be what she needed and not just what she wanted? Everything that Jennie did. She didn't let her walk out the door like he did. Jennie fought for her even when she had no right to fight, she fought when she had no reason to do so. Was Asher truly the bad person for not being able to keep Y/n? Was he the one at fault for not doing it right?

She glanced at her phone that lay by the wall where there was a mark after it flew into it. "You broke my phone." She pointed out and clenched her jaw, not sure what she was more pissed about. Jennie or how she broke her phone, maybe both.

"I will get you a new one." She breathed out.

"You hurt me." She pointed out further as her wrist was pulsating, fingertips tingling as her blood flow came back.

"I will soothe your skin and give whatever you want...You have to stay because I care about your well-being and finding a room now won't be easy unless you want an unsafe motel–Please listen to me." Y/n heaved a sigh as Jennie's grip loosened on her, removing the pressure on her chest that she had from her forearm and pressing her into the wall. Jennie pleading with her.

It all was digging itself into Y/n's marrow, staining her skin with these kisses that bruised her, but it all felt like kisses and nothing else. It hurt at the moment, but then felt like much more right after, like soothing kisses and assurances of something so good that the low lows didn't matter. All that did was the high.

"Such a pretty girl, you take me so well," Jennie mumbled, holding herself up with one hand beside Y/n's head as she rolled her hips into the moaning girl. Her eyes trained on their conjoined heat, watching her thick cock disappear inside the girl before she almost fully pulled out and rolled her hips back in with fluid strokes that made Y/n's back arch. The girl took her snugly, letting out moans as Jennie's fingers rubbed at her clit while her swollen tip continued to caress her g-spot.

Y/n's hand grabbed hold of Jennie's shoulder, her orgasm closing in on her as the moans picked up. Jennie turned her head, her lips brushing over the bruised wrist of the hand that held her shoulder. She left a few small kisses on it, still feeling bad about how she had hurt the girl as she never intended for it to happen, but it just did. It wasn't her fault when she didn't control it. "So good for me." She mumbled against her wrist, keeping up the slow and deep thrusts.

Y/n was brought right back to that high as she pulled Jennie closer, her walls being stretched by the woman. It was all forgotten and all she could think about was the pleasure, the work put into everything else. Her grip fell to Jennie's shoulders and stopped the woman before they found themselves with Y/n on top of her.

All Jennie could do was admire the girl who rode her, watching Y/n rise up and down, gyrate her hips back and forth as she whined them perfectly. The vixen could feel Jennie hit the deepest spots in her, the ones no one else reached. "Fuck." Y/n breathed out, the brunette's thumb played with her swollen clit, her other hand playing with her breast that fit right in her hand. She tugged at the nipple, caressing it and cupping the soft flesh while watching her split the girl with her cock.

"You take dick so good, I just want to fill you until you're leaking, Y/n." Jennie breathed out, Y/n's nails dug into her stomach as she felt her walls clasp tighter around her. The girl's plump lips parted in a gasp, a cry following as her back arched, the sensation tingled through her whole body that turned ten times warmer when her orgasm washed over her.

Without stopping her movements, her ass slapped down on Jennie's thighs whose breathing ragged at how close she was. The walls were pulsating around her throbbing cock. Y/n leaned down and caught Jennie's lips, sucking whatever was left of her tar-black soul when she sucked on her tongue. Their spit connected as she pulled away for a split second to lick it up from Jennie's lips who let out a moan. With her head tilted her tongue met Jennie's again, the woman barely being able to breathe as her body convulsed into Y/n and her dick started to spurt cum into the condom.

The girl did stay for the week, lying that she was staying at a room in the hotel and she did but with Jennie who she only saw once she was back from being out with her friends and boyfriend. That was usually at midnight and when they woke up, it was spent with sex like usual. It did break some boundaries. It did bring them closer than before.

Jennie did get her a new phone and Y/n assumed it was another way to say sorry when she supplied her and her friends with free Ecstasy and coke. She wasn't complaining, she didn't have the energy to complain as nothing seemed to go her way either way.

She hated Jennie yet stayed and so it made her hate the woman even more.

The bruises disappeared and the pleasure came whenever they were right back in each other's arms.

TAGSLIST! @yxlis @jisooftme @geeminz @lisas-earlobe @xszn @badasgff @badaspookie @hwm1hyun / taglist is open

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mcbride · 21 days

Text

Daryl Dixon Rewatch S1E05 - Deux Amours

i know i am late on this one, but life is hard, so the delay absolutely has nothing to do with fandom shenanigans and/or Zabel's words, which i will also address later in this post cause i love to prove him wrong as i unmask his own bag of tricks. stay with me! lovely carylers of mine, if you're wallowing in negativity, that is your prerogative, but this post is not for you.

this ep starts with the song "j'ai deux amours" (i have two loves), which is mostly about multiculturalism in a way you embrace the differences and become stronger together. Daryl is not quite there yet... he does not believe in God or faith, he only relies on himself... more after the jump...

Daryl is trying so hard to teach Laurent everything he can to help him survive this world. he is right, the kid is too sheltered, it's a miracle he hasn't become walker food.

Taking a break from my rewatch to address the elephant in the room. Zabel's interview. first we don't have the context of the question he is answering because what it sounds to me like he is saying is that he ain't changing the Caryl narrative, he ain't taking the romance route out of nowhere, he is just simply keeping up with the characters and honoring who they already are, who they seems to want to be and how important they already became to each other.

No, caryl isn't gonna fall in love cause they reunited after being separated for couple of months, their relationship is much more than that. they ain't gonna kiss and bang cause that's easy. there's so much history there. they are already completely irrevocably in love with each other. it's clear, but you have to rely on what the show is giving you. it's right there in front of your eyes.

as for not playing the TV's book of tricks, i am gonna pretend the "happy ending " voiceover and the talk about pigeons always returning home for the one (a gf) who waits never happened. so let's focus only on this episode alone, and expose Zabel's own CARYL book of tricks:

Daryl misses "a lady named Carol," she's different from all the people mentioned before, she is special, cause she is a lady. i see what you did there, Z.

Laurent says Daryl misses Isa too. BANG. bait, bait, bait. Carol vs. Isa. IS THIS the typical trick to mislead and misdirect, causing doubt in the viewer... i may not like it, but there's nothing more stereotypical in that book of tricks, than Daryl having options (and there's plenty: Connie, Isa...), but only one woman (Carol) truly holds is heart.

in flashbacks, Daryl meets a young man TJ who is also working for fuel so he can go back to his girlfriend (not to his mother, or sister, or business associate!!). WHAT A COINCIDENCE Daryl also getting fuel so he can go back home (to Carol!) and guess what, TJ's also planning to runaway with his girl, but they are going to California instead of New Mexico.

Azlan tried to convince Daryl to embrace the people he met and their cause, but he be like "I MADE A PROMISE" and causes just ain't his thing.

Daryl can't sleep thinking about the last time he talked to Carol on the radio... which was like two weeks ago! stop being so dramatic!

finally, it is revealed Daryl promised Carol to come back home asap on the radio, but not after asking her THREE FUCKING TIMES if she was okay. dude, we get it, your Carol-sense was tingling with worry just cause she sounded contemplative. she's fine! but she misses you. HE PROMISED CAROL he'd be back!

the most cathartic scene comes next, (well played Norman Reedus!) Daryl is livid, furious, and downright abusive to Laurent after he cut off their boat, delaying his delivery to the Nest, and Daryl's hope of keeping his promise. it ain't pretty, but it's viscerally Daryl. he stops himself from going down that hole, and hugs the heck out of that kid.

Laurent has no doubt that as soon as Daryl finishes his mission, he will leave. no matter what.

when it's revealed TJ is now a walker and will never see the love of his life ever again (tragic plss!), that Daryl hero complex comes out - he did not help TJ and bad things happened - and he punches a dude. and now it's his turn to not make it back to his girl cause he ends up on a fucking boat to France. i see what you done there, too, Z.

it's the end of the ep and i didn't even sweat to make everything happening to Daryl about Carol.... sometimes things are exactly what they seem.

Daryl is captured again... that happens every other episode FFS!!

Genet's voice over Daryl facing dead as he's entering the arena and flashback to almost turning into walker fodder on the boat: "We have all felt lost at times, far from the life we knew. Deprived of the people we loved [....] But we did not give up. In the name of all those we loved." Daryl will fight for his life, and he will fight for Carol, in the name of the promise he made to return home. and that was beautiful...

and that's it! (my apologies if my thoughts got a bit messy, but my brain is total mush! i dunno if i explained it as well as i wanted to, but i tried!)

so, i kinda loved this episode, it was just a bit tooo long for me! PS. i am going to finish by saying something what most people don't want to hear/accept. Melissa is a grown ass woman capable of making her own decision. she straight fucking left the whole spinoff, no one forced her to do anything (who says otherwise is lying to you) so do not think for one moment she didn't come back on her own terms. with that said, whatever is meant to happen or not happen in terms of caryl, i sleep really well knowing it is exactly what they want to happen, both Norman AND MELISSA! and i would watch the platonic buddy adventures of Carol and Daryl for fucking forever! except that's not what i think is happening, and no, i ain't reading interviews (good or bad!), i'm just paying attention to what is being shown on screen. feel free to tl;dr me!!!

see y'all next week for ep 6!!! THE FINALE!!!

28 days left until the premiere of THE BOOK OF CAROL!!!!!

#dd rewatch #the walking dead #daryl dixon #norman reedus #carol peletier #caryl #twd #the book of carol #caryl positivity #hanna.txt

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sorryimananti-romantic · 7 months

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Hey bestie sooooo lots of stuff happened and there was an opportunity I was really hoping I was gonna get, and I didn’t. On top of that it went to the same favorite people that get everything every time and I’ve just been feeling really upset and everything so if you’ve got any mingi comfort that would be great. I could just really use a lil virtual hug rn 😅. There’s a bunch of other stuff that led up to this but now im just feeling really hopeless and wanting to give up on my major even though it’s my dream. I think I kinda need to just sit and wallow for a bit and I’ll be fine but if you got any fluff I could use all of it 😅🩷

aw babes i'm sorry to hear that 😭🫂 you and me both honestly really need a virtual hug (nah a real hug actually) and well, i hope you get much better things than what you were aiming for! we never know where the flow of life is gonna take us so hoping for the best for you, always 🩷 and i hope you fight for your dream too! if you want to talk about it, i'm here for you 🩷

a mingi comfort fluff though, who am i to deny you? ;)

there are times in your life when all you want to do is lay down on a bed and sink through it into the void

or lay down on soft grass and hope the ground swallows you

you put a weight over yourself in the form of your blanket- the only physical thing weighing you down among a bunch of other invisible things

but that isn't enough

the warmth of it, the softness of it, it isn't enough

everything is silent. you can hear the static background noise- that's how quiet it is

could this go on forever while you gather your pieces together?

could time stand still for you?

no.

it never will

you're being swallowed by a bunch of thoughts

i'm alone in this world

no one will understand me

everything is over

there's no going back from here

and a bunch of other negative phrases that are murky in your head, but there in all their mighty presence

it feels like everything you've worked for is crumbling down in front of your eyes

everything is going wrong, wrong- where did it all start to go wrong?

you can't quite put a finger to it

all you know is that you are overwhelmingly sad.

the emotion 'sad' didn't make much sense to you- you always thought it was associated with some other emotion or feeling- such as when you lose someone dear and it's associated with grief

but now... you think you're starting to understand a little what's it like to be just sad. the plain old sad

it springs a little sarcastic laugh out of you and you have to purse your lips to keep another awful sound from bubbling out of you

but this time, your ears detect the familiar sound of footsteps in the house and you wonder just how deep in your thoughts you were to miss the sound of the door unlocking

you don't move. you don't make an effort to. you just hope that he goes to take a shower first or starts cooking. you hope he doesn't realise you're home already

you hope you get a little time to yourself so he doesn't have to see you in this state-

but a knock sounds on the door anyway and his voice calls your name, his eyes probably searching the darkness

you hope that he misses your curled figure in the blankets, but he's far too observant for that

he doesn't turn on the lights. you feel the edge of your bed dip as he sits there

"you're not hiding from me... are you?"

it's mingi. you could cry just hearing his voice

"no... just tired. i'll be out in a few minutes."

he doesn't miss the crack in your voice either

"do you want me to give you some space, or do you want me to stay?"

there's one thing you love about mingi. he always asks you what you need

and he always gives you what you ask for

if it's space you need, he will gladly give you it because he realises the importance of personal space and just sorting your own mess yourself

he won't question you until you talk yourself but he will keep reminding you that he's here

he's perfect in that way

but if it's him you need... he'll drop everything to be with you too

he'll either just hold you in silence or mutter affirmations

and for the first time in a while, you don't know what you need

so you tell him exactly that

mingi sighs deeply and gets up. you wonder if he's going to leave so you check through the little gap in the blanket, your heart beating anxiously

but he only draws the curtains apart just a fraction so he can see better

and then he's back, crawling in the bed next to you and asking if he can get in the blanket with you

you allow it. you scoot a bit to give him some space and he positions the blankets so he can hold you in his arms as he lies down next to you

you're slower this time as you make way to him and he notices that too. so he simply just holds you for a while

and you let the tears flow and wet his sweatshirt. you will apologise later, but for now, you can't stop it

his hand caresses your back repeatedly in soft, circular motions. his other hand is holding yours and squeezing it affectionately

you don't know how long you stay like this but at some point, the tears stop flowing and you move a little to wipe your face

"sorry for being a mess," you laugh and he lets out a short chuckle himself

"you know it's perfectly fine with me," he assures you, planting a kiss on the top of your head. "feeling better?"

"a bit, yeah," you tell him. you take a few deep breaths

"what's wrong, love?"

"everything," you sigh. "everything's going wrong at the same time and it's too much, mingi."

mingi brings you back in a hug, this time stronger and a reminder that you're not alone

and you realise that yes- you may have been a little selfish when thinking that you were truly alone in this world

you have him

your constant source of strength, a pillar to lean on

someone who always nudges you in the right direction when you're lost

someone whose words of wisdom heal you

and someone who makes you laugh, especially when he's being goofy like now

"shall we take that little trip now? drop everything and run away?"

"oh, how i wish i could, but i can't run away from this," you sigh.

and just like that, you start talking. slowly, but gradually, you tell him the sequence of events

and he gives you the validation you need- that everything you're feeling right now... it's okay to feel that

he makes you sit in front of him and he holds your hands as you work everything out

he gives objective answers- he knows your strengths and weaknesses, and he suggests the best course

he also plans every possible direction things could go from here on out- something he's really good at

"and like i always say... it can only get better from here, right?"

"sure feels like an all time low, so... yeah?" you say.

"every time i think i'm at an all time low, life throws another one at me"

you laugh at that- he's relatable like this

"well... it can't get worse than this, maybe, yeah?"

"and even if something bad happens," mingi addresses the anxiety in your heart. "even if things don't go as planned and you have to give up something important, you should remember that you're a strong person who can get through this."

you nod, letting his words sink in

"i'm here for you, yes," he says, "but i'm only a guide and emotional support, yeah? whatever you do, it's all you. and you're incredible and amazing. you will get through this. i'm proud of every decision you will make moving forwards. i believe in you, love."

it's all you need to hear and a few tears spill again, but you smile through them as you look at mingi, the dark strands falling over his forehead, his eyes warm

mingi, the person who makes you stand on your own two feet time and time again

mingi, who makes you realise that you can face anything in this world on your own

and mingi, who'll be there when you return from your battles. who'll patch you up, kiss your head and hug you

just like he hugs you now, all warmth and love

he brings you outside so you can eat dinner and it gets better

you don't feel like you're drowning anymore

you're not out of that surface, no, but it's a whole lot better for sure

he talks to you and you address other things in between jokes and kisses exchanged

and when it's time for bed, he holds you, preparing you for tomorrow

it will be okay

you will be okay.

#i feel like i could have written more but this just flowed in one sitting so here it is :')#and after writing it i realised i needed this just as much as you :')#i hope this helps you in some way <33 #here's to hoping we get thru it!#mingi x reader #mingi fluff #ateez scenarios #ateez headcanons #ateez imagines #ateez fluff #song mingi #mingi #marian <3 #yumi.asks

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spiderpussinc · 1 year

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who you mind sharing some spiderdads headcanons you have, or do "the explain your otp in 5 minutes" meme? no pressure though! i love your art and fic too

im soooooo bad at this kind of question bc i kinda love thinking about a bunch of different/concurrent options like. you know how every fic is its own universe and you watch the same steps happen with little alterations so the same guys fall in love 101 times that's my brain... HOWEVER I've been thinking a LOT about ITSV Peter/Miguel lately --

Either comic-canon based settings where he's the usual single hero in his natural habitat OR directly /before/ ITSV itself; divorced midlife crisis spider-man who's always struggling to make rent is SUCH a good spot for Peter's stakes, and it sucks how people just want to make him rich or magically the avengers solve all his problems to basically erase what makes him compelling. I think its a good choice the spidey movies do -- to make it all a lot more ground-level, without outside interference -- so he has to make the tiny decisions.

Miguel getting stranded in the past!! HOW COME THERE'S SO LITTLE STUFF ABOUT MIGUEL AND PETER MEETING IN THE PAST? Doesn't need to be ATSV plotline compliant. A macguffin gets him there, or sends him to Peter's universe, come on! The important part is having them on a ground level sandbox.

THE REAL FUN STUFF: The cheesiest stupidest meetcutes you could ever imagine. Endless possibility. Spitballing: Peter/Miguel being unaware of each other's identities and renting the same apartment because neither of them has the funds to fly solo. Peter being suddenly spooked by the appearance of a brand new edgy spider-man in the vicinity. After all these years. Miguel not knowing how much he can say because Peter's sort of convinced this is a villain ploy of some sort to fuck up his public persona.

REAL-LIFE, both of them are suspicious about the other as a Weird Fidgety Roommate type. Neither can complain much because, again, it's rent on NY. You mind or business. or not.

Maybe Alchemax doesn't even exist in this universe, tipping Miguel off that this is an alternate timeline and he's really on his own. Maybe the ruling company here is Roxxon or Future labs or whatever; there's a lot of those in comics. He kind of HAS to eventually come clean about being universe-displaced to this world's Spider-man -- Peter begrudgingly accepting that there's a second spider-guy around on the condition that Miguel isn't gonna do anything catastrophic while he's here to completely blow up Peter's image, or give J.J. Jameson fodder to attack him.

Maybe they start working together. Maybe it's a casual partnerships thing where they happen to be tracking the same shady incident and decide to wrap it up as a duo; maybe they just agree to patrol the neighborhood together on busy weeks since they just.. suspiciously... seem to be around at the same place... at the same time... overly concerned abt the same shit....

Miguel has a superhuman investment in Not Letting This World Turn into a Future Dystopic Hellhole; Peter just kind of wants to live and solve problems as they come by but these two motivations really synergize. Peter doesn't even need to ask why, just damn okay dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Respect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!1!

Secret Identity investigations. Secret Identity mishaps. Secret Identity fumbles. Lyla accidentally busting out that Peter Parker is Spider-man via advanced facebook voice recognition fuckery. (LOL) Hell, maybe in THIS Miguel's version of 2099 it was already revealed Peter is spider-man, after he died. How'd he die? Maybe it was a bad end. How does Miguel feel about that? About meeting with a ghost? Endless possibility.

EVEN MORE FUN STUFF: both of these guys are *SO* intensely defined by a lack of support system around their secret identities. WALLOWING in guilt. Spider-man always seems to ruin their lives, in the worst ways. They're too proud to let normal people intervene, or the ppl themselves deeply resent the fact Spider-man exists. It's fun to think of a reversal scenario where Peter/Miguel have each other's backs, can help the other dress wounds, can show up in a pinch to prevent disaster from occurring with some supervillain 10 blocks away while Peter is trying to land a new job interview as a highschool teacher or science columnist. IDK It doesn't have to be constant uphill battle to get someone else to understand why they do what they do and what the stakes are; they're the same kind of crazy.

And okay, maybe you don't want the spidersonas falling in love before their real identities do..... still VERY ripe options around for Miguel sneaking home with a limp or a really fucked up arm and his healing factor isn't nearly as good as Spider-man Prime's, so Peter is like 'WHAT the FUCK happened to you?' And even though he can tell Miguel is lying. He is not going to bust him out for it. Because he's been lying for 20+ years. Instead, Peter just takes it upon himself to teach him how to get his shit fixed. Temporary armslings and icepacks and sprays and current-time medication that is different to what Miguel is used to in the future; friendly neighborhood Peter Parker who minds his business and will not ask you if you're secretly Daredevil for Reasons but that will, however, tell you to stop blocking attacks with your fucking head. He learned this lesson earlier than most superheroes.

(The reverse scenario is still sweet! Peter's taciturn roommate who wears sunglasses indoors and is weirdly secretive about everything seeing him come home with a busted out eye and hes like damn. Do you want to split a pizza or whatever. You look like shit)

Miguel is not actually as experienced as Peter! He /could/ use the tips!!! Peter has been Spider-man ever since he was 15 years old. Miguel became Spider-man due to a freak accident at MAXIMUM 4ish years ago. Probably less. Figuring out how to do it not alone would be genuinely a good experience for him.

Miguel moe x1000 as the future man who kinda doesn't get the weird counterintuitive way things work present-time 💔 flipside; Miguel seeing the beginnings of bad future patterns like musk trying to buy twitter and deciding to take matters into his own hands. sorry this is just hilarious to me. Even if he's not beating these guys up its still awesome to imagine him as an insane ranting tech essayist who goes on hour-long takedowns of NFTs on youtube or being like GOD WE NEED VACCINES TO BE COOL AGAIN FUCKKKK

Among all of this though, I think one of the most appealing aspects of having them as an unit is that they don't have to lone-wolf shit anymore. (and they Have been lonewolfing it for SO long.) Feels good feels organic

I could go on but I need to actually write and I just... think they can be so entertaining. We don't have to be so dependent on the movie here pulling from regular superhero shenanigans Really works. They sort of complete each other. Immediate productive boost on both of their morales. Get Peter/Miguel pilled with me rn

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contemplatingoutlander · 1 year

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youtube

Biden goes positive. Can voters handle it?

Jennifer Rubin discusses Biden's new positive ad. If the question is, "Can voters handle" Biden's positive ad, the answer is, it's about time the Democrats told the story of Biden's successes to counteract the relentless disinformation about Biden coming from the right.

But even more important than that, Rubin brings home the fact that neofascists and demagogues NEED people to believe that their nation is falling apart and ONLY the Dear Leader can fix it. That's why it is particularly important to counteract Trump's and the GOP's dystopian disinformation about America under Biden.

Here are some excerpts from Rubin's column.

Biden’s ad, “Fought Back,” reminds us how bad things were under his predecessor, touts Biden’s economic accomplishments and accuses Republicans (while displaying Trump’s picture) of running America down. A list of bipartisan accomplishments, such as the bipartisan infrastructure law and the Chips bill, refutes the notion that the United States is paralyzed or incapable of solving its problems. [...] This message embodies Biden’s endemic optimism: “We just have to remember who we are. We’re the United States of America. And there’s nothing — nothing beyond our capacity — if we do it together.” Moreover, it rebukes Trump’s negativity, in effect saying: Refusing to credit the improvements in the economy is tantamount to slamming Americans and discrediting their hard work. (The ad shows Biden delivering one of his favorite lines: “It’s never, ever been a good bet to bet against America.”) [...] Biden stands ready to explain how his agenda — “Bidenomics” — brought us from fears of a pandemic recession to recovery. With unemployment and inflation in decline and wages rising, the public finally might be more amenable to hearing an uplifting message. Biden would be foolish not to take credit for gains achieved as a result of smart policy and bipartisan legislative wins. However, Biden’s ad does something more than present an economic argument. He’s asking a larger question: Do we really want to go back to the trauma of the Trump years? He is betting that voters, even if they are uncertain about the future, don’t want to wallow in anger, fear and pessimism. He offers not only a choice between two policies but also two different visions, which are miles apart in tone. [...] Historians tell us that fascism arises in a mood of “cultural pessimism” that fosters a demand to entirely remake government and casts the authoritarian strongman as a messianic-like figure who can arrest decline. Without cultural, economic and political ruin and ensuing panic, there is no crisis to quell. By contrast, if a democracy is producing real gains and people see improvement, voters will be less inclined to throw the entire system overboard to follow the cult leader. No wonder hyperbole, fearmongering and hysteria are part and parcel of the MAGA message. [...] For Trump, the present is always bleak; hence, we have to go back to the past to make America great again — and rely on him to fix things. Biden, therefore, has the task of not simply correcting the economic record but also of diffusing — perhaps mocking — Trump’s excessive negativity. Things are bad for Trump, but they need not be bad for the rest of us. We’ll be just fine if we keep our heads about us, look at the facts and trust in ourselves. That’s not a bad pitch for Biden or, for that matter, any democracy trying to ward off a hysterical demagogue. [color/emphasis added]

#joe biden #donald trump #hope #republican dystopian disinformation #neofascism thrives on fear #fought back video #jennifer rubin #the washington post #youtube video #Youtube

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illuminatedquill · 9 months

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Ahsoka Tano & Sabine Wren (A Quick Analysis)

Grow Beyond

"The greatest teacher, failure is. Luke, we are what they grow beyond. That is the true burden of all masters." - Master Yoda, The Last Jedi

I've been thinking about this quote a lot regarding these two.

Ahsoka Tano and Sabine Wren; Master and Apprentice. Heirs to the disaster lineage of Jedi (and Sith) stretching all the way back to Yoda himself. The above quote occurs in the scene when Master Yoda is chastising Luke for wallowing in his failure and allowing it to obstruct his judgment. Pass on what you have learned, he points out. Strength, yes, but also failure.

So, what does this mean for Ahsoka and Sabine? How does Ahsoka help Sabine to grow beyond herself? What, specifically, does Ahsoka have to offer Sabine as a Master in terms of successes and failures?

Let's look at Sabine's character first. She was already a formidable warrior, courtesy of her Mandalorian upbringing and the unique advantages her beskar armor bring to any battle. Sabine is loyal to a fault; fiercely devoted to those she cares about. She's fast on her feet and clever with gadgets and tech (as a reminder, she's considered to be a child prodigy). And something I feel that is overlooked, she is compassionate - it's not overt as Ezra's compassion is, which he extends to strangers, but we see it expressed time and again in her actions with loved ones.

The flip side of Sabine's character runs similar to how Anakin Skywalker was: she's hot-headed, reckless, prone to fits of impulsive anger. And she loves deeply but, like every other Mandalorian in existence, Sabine is unable to express it in a healthy manner (although that is mitigated by the Ghost crew's influence on her during Rebels). Sabine's emotions, as we see throughout Rebels and later in Ahsoka, are somewhat of a mystery - possibly even to herself. It takes moments of extreme duress to reveal what she's feeling: her training with Kanan while mastering the Darksaber, for one instance.

And, of course, this infamous moment from Ahsoka:

The difference between these two moments, however, is that Sabine does not self-reflect afterwards in Ahsoka. In Rebels, she has Kanan to offer her guidance and counsel as to why she struggles with the Darksaber.

This is, arguably, Sabine's defining flaw: her inability to really know and understand herself on a deeper level. As a result, her emotions continue to rule over her actions and leads to the terrible consequences that follow.

Which is where Ahsoka comes in. Ahsoka Tano is no stranger to anger and the extremes to which emotions, when unchecked, can carry us. As the survivor of two galactic civil wars, she understands this better than anyone else alive. And, most importantly, she is the padawan of Anakin Skywalker; a fact that weighs heavily on her and, ultimately, affects her relationship with Sabine for the worse.

During her vision quest in Ahsoka 1x05, Ahsoka re-experiences the Clone Wars alongside her master, Anakin. There she asks him an important question, reflecting the core of her struggle with teaching Sabine:

Ahsoka: Is this all I have to teach my own padawan someday? How to fight?

Anakin, at the time, was teaching Ahsoka how to be a warrior - a timely lesson that served her well considering everything that happened afterwards. The problem for Ahsoka is this: that life is all she knows. She never really stopped fighting. She has spent most of her life fighting in a war and even when the Empire was finally defeated, Ahsoka continued to keep finding new battles to fight during a time of peace.

For whatever reason she decided to take on Sabine as an apprentice, Ahsoka must have struggled with this. Yes, she can teach Sabine discipline, lightsaber forms, and basic Force mastery but, outside of that, what else does she have to offer? How does she help Sabine to grow beyond her?

Passing on her failures. How has Ahsoka failed, what she learned from it, and how she can help Sabine to not make the same mistakes.

Returning to Ahsoka 1x05 again, Anakin has this important conversation with Ahsoka about their legacies as Jedi:

Anakin: You're a warrior now. As I trained you to be. Ahsoka: Is that all? Anakin: Ahsoka, within you will be everything I am. All the knowledge I possess. Just as I inherited knowledge from my master and he from his. You're part of a legacy. Ahsoka: But my part of that legacy is one of death - and war. Anakin: But you're more than that. Because I'm more than that.

Ahsoka is not committed fully to her training Sabine; she's afraid that she'll pass on the failures of her master, also inherent within her, to her padawan. But, as Yoda points out to Luke so many years later, that's exactly what she needs to do. She sees herself as only offering a legacy of death and war to Sabine who has already seen her fair share of such.

But Anakin reminds her that she is more than that, just as he was. Those mistakes, that legacy - despite the darkness inherent within it - is important to pass on. Depriving Sabine of all that knowledge runs against what a Master should do, despite their reservations about what that knowledge could give way to - but that's the problem with Ahsoka prior to her reunion with Anakin in the World Between Worlds. She's afraid.

And Sabine pays the price for that fear. It makes her vulnerable to her own emotions and she makes the choice to doom the galaxy in exchange for Ezra's safety.

How do these fears become manifest in these two women? What causes them to become vulnerable to them?

Isolation. Detachment from others. That is, in my opinion, easy steps towards the Dark Side. For a long time, Ahsoka used this a survival mechanism, a necessity for a fugitive Jedi during the Empire's reign. She had to be detached from others in order to fulfill her Purpose, her Mission: help others and fight the Empire.

But the few attachments she did have after the Order fell, I would argue, were pivotal for her journey: Rex, of course, saving her life and returning upon her request to join the Rebellion - and, more importantly, her meeting with the Ghost Crew. Kanan and the others certainly helped her on more than one occasion but it's her relationship with Ezra - despite only knowing each other for a brief time - that ended up saving her life during the duel with Vader on Malachor.

But, after a certain point, that isolation and detachment from others stopped being a necessity and started being a hindrance. Especially with her relationship with Sabine, who also had issues with that - those issues being exacerbated after the loss of her family during the Purge of Mandalore. Instead of staying with Sabine and giving her guidance and counsel and friendship during her lowest point, she sought to abandon her instead. To Ahsoka, it was the best possible choice but remember that she, too, was operating under the influence of her own fears.

Ahsoka should have embraced her attachment with Sabine - not shunned it. That is where she failed and continued to do so until the events of Ahsoka 1x05 in the World Between Worlds.

So, how does Ahsoka - the Master - help Sabine to grow beyond her? How does she rise above her failures?

She encourages Sabine to get a life.

. . . This is not a joke. The best possible way for Ahsoka to help Sabine move forward and become a better Jedi than her is to encourage a life outside of being a Jedi.

For all her life, Ahsoka has lived a life of Purpose - but that can't be all there is. That's what led to her failure with Sabine in the first place; she separated herself from others, keeping in contact only when necessary. She didn't cultivate relationships, friendships, find hobbies, other interests outside of her need to keep finding a cause to fight for.

It led to a life devoid of the simple joys that make it worth living. A life filled with Purpose is grand and noble but it's the people in it, the experiences we enjoy, the moments we spend with loved ones that stick with us to the end.

Ahsoka has led a lonely life. And that, in my opinion, is something she should actively encourage Sabine against.

Sabine needs people in her life. Her time with the Ghost crew did so much good for her, as we all know. When they separated, Sabine was adrift in her search for Ezra - until Ahsoka appeared and offered her a new path forward.

And then that path was cruelly taken away. Sabine was alone again with her bitterness, her yearning, and her grief. She - like all of us - are at our best when surrounded by loved ones who encourage us and stand by us when we are at our lowest.

The Jedi of old were wary of attachments - not love, but attachments that could specifically lead to possessiveness, which is not healthy - but the Order fell a long time ago. The Jedi who survived had to adapt in order to survive; some did it the way Ahsoka did, going for a lone wolf approach.

Others, however . . .

How do Jedi survive in a time when there is no Jedi Order? How do they define themselves?

It is my belief that Kanan did it best. He embraced his attachments; his newfound family, the Ghost Crew - Ezra Bridger, Sabine Wren, Chopper, Zeb, and, most importantly, Hera Syndulla. But he never let his feelings for the others - especially Hera - cloud his judgment when the mission was at stake.

He found a way to honor the Jedi code but adapted it in a way that suited him best.

(Cal Kestis of the Jedi videogame series also followed this approach, but we have yet to see how that ends for him.)

I'm going to paraphrase (probably badly) a post from - I believe but correct me if I'm wrong - @seleneisrising that said something along the lines of that in the absence of a Jedi Order, Kanan and Ezra acted as their own within the Ghost Crew family. They acted in place of an Order but did it in their own way, not strictly adhering to what came before.

The Ghost Crew was a family.

It was Kanan and Ezra's home.

It was their own version of a Jedi Order; one that was perfectly in balance with their feelings and understanding of their Purpose. One that didn't eschew attachments in favor of emotional neutrality but embraced them and allowed those relationships to empower them.

This is how Sabine surpasses Ahsoka. Not following the 'ronin' lifestyle of her master but finding a home to call her own; a place to be herself, truly, as Ahsoka needs her to be.

Finding a life outside of Purpose. Finding friendships, finding family, and finding love.

You know who that last part is referring to.

Sabine follows in the footsteps of Kanan and builds her own Order - her own Clan, to honor her own Mandalorian roots. She does it with Ezra, with Hera, with Zeb, with Chopper, and some day, Jacen when he's ready for his journey. And with Ahsoka too. (And can't forget Murley.)

. . . Huyang, too, I guess. If he wants to come along.

To paraphrase a discussion I had with @starryjediknight: Sabine and Ezra become the new Kanan and Hera for Ghost Crew 2.0.

If isolation, detachment, and distrust from others can be seen as a Path to the Dark Side, then the opposite must be true as a Path to the Light; family, community, and trust being the way to break down barriers to love.

We see that with Sabine's reunion with Ezra - how, immediately, she is almost returned to her former self. How she is healed in his presence and then further healed when Ahsoka returns and begins to make amends with her, promising to stick by her no matter what from now on.

In a way, by doing this, Sabine could fulfill the dream that Anakin wished to see realized: staying true to the Jedi way while also being allowed to follow his feelings.

Rebels was always, at its heart, about family - found and lost.

Ahsoka could be about finding your way back, no matter how far you've strayed. Failures don't have to define you but are lessons to be learned from. They can be markers along the way on this journey we call life for those following us to see the pitfalls that loom when we lose the path.

Ahsoka can see those markers clearly now. She can point them out to Sabine.

And then Sabine can grow beyond her. Reach her full potential. Add her story to the legacy that she's inherited from Ahsoka, just as she did from her master.

This time, it won't be about death and destruction.

It can be better.

It can be about love.

#sabezra #sabine wren #ezra bridger #star wars rebels #ezrabine #star wars #ahsoka show #ahsoka #ahsoka tano #natasha liu bordizzo #eman esfandi

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roseshewrites · 3 months

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BEING DADS WON! It only took a month idk. God. So for the long wait, here's 7,418 words of Alastor and Lucifer being Dads. Mostly Alastor because the idea of him being a girl dad is just ughhhh 🥰😘😘 please ~

Brought to you by several original characters, and "I don't know how to write long fics in order" and "Here's an out of context ending from my extended Male Pregnancy radioapple AU and I hope it makes sense but it probably doesn't."

QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE:

Who got pregnant with who?

LUCIFER, and they were twins.

HOW?

He's a hermaphrodite idk what to tell you.

WHAT ARE THEIR DAD NAMES?

Lucifer is dad

Alastor is pops

SUMMARY!

Melody Hartfelt-Morningstar has noticed her pops has been distant lately, and wants to know why.

Melody stood in the kitchen doorway, shifting from foot to foot. In all her sixteen years, she knew her pops only made Jambalaya on one day of the year, and that it was really important to him; but he tended to get a bit sentimental and snippy (more than usual) and you were in for a fifty-fifty chance of loving to sarcastic if you happened to bug him.

But the video camera she was holding in her hands was seriously busted and she needed help. Like, on the level of thirty thousand subscribers waiting on another family vlog update that she was -never- late on.

Taking a deep breath, staring at his back as he mixed away at a bubbling, delicious smelling concoction at the stove, she said, "Pops."

No answer.

She sighed. "Pops. Poppa."

Back still turned, still clattering around, now chopping something up, probably shrimp.

"Pop," she said again, "POPSICLE."

He slammed a knife down on the counter and whirled around, snapping, "WHAT, Melody!"

She gave him a sheepish smile, holding up her busted camera. "I need a new one."

He sighed, seeming to ease up a little, thank god. "Can't you ask your dad? I am busy."

"No," she wandered over to scoop up a spoon and pop a steaming hot slice of sausage into her mouth, expertly dodging a swift hand slap which caught her elbow instead. She said around a hot mouthful, "I want you to do it."

"What happened to this one I made you?"

"Harmony. She dropped it."

That was a lie. Her sister, in a fit of rage during another of their fights, had actually thrown it at the wall so hard that the screen had shattered and now hung despondently attached by just a sad little wire. She wasn't about to mention that dent in the wall either, which she had carefully covered with a poster.

There was a flash of green, and her pops handed her the newly fixed up camera, commencing his cooking. Melody leaned against the island counter in front of the stove, hopping up and watched him silently, fiddling with the camera, "Blutooth capabilities, pop?"

He cast her a sharp red eyed glance. "Do I look like I care about that?"

"Yes," she flashed him a sweet little grin, "Pleeeese."

When he had refixed it, she did a little happy kick with her feet. "Yay. Thank you."

Melody lost no time turning on the camera, pointing it at her pop's head and pressing Record. She watched him through the little screen. Red hair, black streaks at the end, the ears on top of his head turning back a little when she said, "So..jambalaya. Grandmom's death day?"

"Yes, dear."

"Tell me 'bout her."

"She had a sense of humor."

"Really? Like how?"

"Well...."

Her pops whirled around again, a glint in his eyes, taking in how she was pointing the camera straight at his face, and she didn't have time to react before his hand closed over the lense and shut the little screen with a neat snap.

"She used to do things like this!!"

Her foot was pulled, and she fell off the counter, screeching.

"The paain! The disrespect!!" She had swiftly opened the camera again and wallowed on the floor pretending to cry in agony while her pops dug a toe into her armpit making her giggle.

"Go bother your dad or something. Scoot."

"This is what I know- ow- about Grand mom," she relented, holding the camera above her face and zooming in on her pop's unamused eyes, "Her name was Eleanor. She had dark skin. Curly dark hair. Curly hair that I have," she added, "She had a sense of humor. And was an excellent cook. That's all. Sixteen years of life in this existence and that's all I know about her."

"Bon Diyè, Melody..."

"See," she zoomed in further, "You stopped teaching me that Haitian stuff a long time ago. Like when I turned ten. How come? But I still know that meant 'good Heavens' which means you've become QUITE exasperated with me-"

"Exasperated would be an understatement-"

"-So are you gonna teach me more Haitian Creole? Or more French?"

"This minute, I'd like to teach you a lesson for bugging the stew out of me when I desire some peace and quiet!"

"Your southern is showing. Why do we bother the stew out of things? What's more, why do we bless each other's hearts when we really mean 'fuck you?'

"Language."

"But I have so many questions."

Finally she got bored of trying to pull more answers out of her pops and got to her feet, dusting off her ripped jeans and shaking her head so her blond curly hair fell back around her cheeks instead of nesting up.

"Fine whatever. We don't talk about shit in this house anymore."

She thought she saw her pops tensing a bit at that statement but it could have been her imagination. Camera pointed at her conversed feet, she left, ignoring her pops voice going, "Mels.."

Nah, too late, if he wanted to apologize for being distant, whatever. She'd leave him alone.

She managed to zone in on her twin in the living room. Finding Harmony wasn't hard; all you had to do was detect which area of the house Metallica or Blink-182 was vibrating the walls. When she walked in though, she was greeted by such a silly sight that she immediately grinned and held up her camera again, her sour mood lifted for now.

There was her dark haired twin sitting criss cross on the coffee table, leaning forward and wielding a tube of black lipstick which she was currently using on their dad, who had abandoned his usual white suit for an all-black getup.

"Stretch your lips out," she was telling him, "Like really, or the lipstick will cake up."

Lucifer obeyed her, going, "I think that's called SMILING. Oh hey!" He caught a glimpse of Melody in the doorway. "Hey Mels. Check it out. Am I cool yet?" He flashed a peace sign, duck-facing his half-madeup lips at her camera.

Melody zoomed in on her dad's pale, black makeup-covered face, and yelled "Yeah-heaah!!! The coolest!!"

It really did look amazing. Harmony had done a smoky eye on him and it really brought out the crimson color of his eyes.

"Are those false lashes?"

Melody walked behind him to cam-focus on her twin now, who, true to her edgy punk nature, gave her sister the bird.

"You betcha. Oh Harms, stop. Give me that," he added to his other daughter, who was silently waving at him impatiently to finish her project.

He swooped the lipstick up and finished it, peering into a mirror popping his lips a couple times for good measure. Melody saw him frown in the mirror he was holding up, locking eyes with her reflection behind him.

"Hey you good, kiddo?"

Melody shrugged, looking away from her dad's eyes in the mirror and accidentally locked eyes with her twin instead who gave her a quizzical 'what's up?' expression, her dark brows raising.

"Nothing," she replied to Harmony's silent question, then, "-I mean yeah I'm good," she answered her dad. "So good. I'm so good right now."

"Uh-huh."

Lucifer shut the large compact mirror with a snap and leaned around, "Cause that's the face of someone having a really good time."

She stuck her tongue out at him and he retaliated by grabbing at it. She dodged his hand, smiling despite herself.

"Don't get cheeky."

Just then, a familiar radio-tinged voice fell into the already loud metal-music filled room saying, "Dinner is ready. Oh my ears, what is this noise!"

"Aren't Charlie and Vaggie supposed to be coming by?" Harmony hopped up from her seat at the coffee table, plopping several tubes of makeup into a nearby container, "And that noise is Metallica. Dad likes it. Don't you, dad?"

"I can tolerate it. And I don't know, they mentioned coming by, but my feelings won't be hurt if they don't. They're so busy lately.."

Melody edged back as her family made their way to the door where her pops was standing, and she was trying to make her way toward the hallway and then her room when she realized they were the only two left in the living room.

She pointed her camera at him. God, he seemed annoyed.

"Come eat," he said, then, "Ugh!" She watched him through the camera as he reached to hit the power button on the CD player by the door, then he repeated, "Melody, dinner is ready. And will you put that blasted camera down for one minute?"

"I'm not hungry. And no. It's my eyeballs."

"Well you don't need eyes to eat."

"I'm. Not. Hungry."

"Young lady, what is your problem!"

"I don't have one," she snapped, "And you do. You have all the problems and you won't talk about them. You won't even talk about the good memories. You won't talk about HER. Why?!"

"That's none of your concern."

"Fine," she snapped her camera shut and began to stalk off, "I bet Eleanor Hartfelt just loooooves who her son became! What a gentleman! He only cooks her favorite food once a year, and the rest of the time he acts like she bloody never existed!!"

She heard her dad rushing back in to defuse whatever it was, heard pops' exclamation of frustration and her sister piping in, but Melody paid no attention to any of it and just yanked through the first door she came to, shutting it behind her.

Upon closer examination she was actually in her sister's room, but it didn't matter anyway. She just curled up on a dark purple blanket and grabbed the nearest stuffed animal and pressed her face into some pillows, silently listening. She heard footsteps and her dad's voice, muffled through the door and directed at his husband.

"No. Nuh-uh leave her alone you'll just make it worse."

Melody dug her face further into the pillow and waited till she heard receding footsteps before she sat up, her sister's dragon plushie still in her arms and hugged it, staring blankly at the wall.

It wasn't fair, not at all.

Pops used to be so open with stuff. Melody remembered sitting in his lap, pressing her ears to his chest just to feel his heartbeat while he stroked her hair and sang to her in that musical language she had grown to love. Even now she struggled to remember it. She tried to sing some of it to herself now, but she got tongue tied and gave up.

She sat there for a while. Till hell's sun began to set and cast orange and red gleaming beams through the slats in the blinds and eventually gave way to blue and black darkness; the door opened softly and her sister entered, sitting on her own bed and sliding neatly to sit beside her twin, putting her arms around her.

"Don't sit in the dark, Mels. That's my job."

Melody sniffed. Now that her twin was close, she felt near close to bawling. They laid back on the bed in each others arms and Melody clung to her, plushie and all, and finally let loose with it.

"I'm sorry I broke your camera," Harmony whispered.

"It's not- about- that," Melody sob laughed as her sister settled closer to her, arms all the way around her.

"I know."

When Melody's gross sobs had ebbed till she hiccupped, Harmony said, "Why's it bother you so bad?"

"I don't know. Pops used to do all this stuff. Like talk to us in Haitian Creole, and sing, and now it just seems...it seems like all he does is push us away. The older we get. I don't understand it."

"I think maybe he wants us to be more independent. Like he was. Maybe. I dunno, I'm just guessing."

"That's the thing, he never talked about being our age," Melody whispered, "You think it was that bad?"

"Dunno. We might never know."

"But I wanna know. I want to know all the things."

A little bit later there was a soft knock on the door and their dad entered, dressed down in his pajamas and bathrobe and leaned down to smooch the two sleepy sisters on their cheeks.

"Good night, girlies. You okay, Mels?"

"Yeah dad. Love you."

Melody reached out one arm to make him come closer and he gave her a hug from over Harmony's hug, giving her an extra kiss on her forehead.

"Love you too ducky. Sleep good."

He ruffled both their hair, Harmony protesting this, and left, softly shutting the door behind him.

But Melody couldn't sleep. Long after her dark haired twin had melted into the covers and began snoring, she stared at the dark ceiling with light pangs of anxiety squeezing her heart. Maybe she had overreacted just a tad. She had really pushed pops today, and on a hard day of the year for him, too. Maybe he just hadn't wanted think or talk about certain things today, and that was certainly valid- she'd more or less forced a reaction out of him. Even if it was a negative one.

Maybe she should just go and apologize. Her pops was a night owl; he was probably still bumping around in his office.

Sliding off the bed careful not to disturb her sleeping sister, Melody untied her converse shoes and slid out of them, replacing them with a pair of mismatched fuzzy socks and tiptoed down the hallway, past the kitchen, and down toward her parents' end of the house.

Well, Pops studio was dark, but their bedroom lights were still on. She was just about to knock on the halfway cracked door when the conversation from within floated out and made her freeze.

..."Not *like* that, Lucifer, I just.."

.."Can't just admit that you've been really distant lately?"

Oh shit, she'd been about to walk in on them bickering. Well, no...she frowned. It was more like a low-voiced intense discussion. Huh. It was rare that she heard them talking to each other like this. Curious, she settled on the wall opposite the open door and leaned in, ears perked.

"That's besides the point. It is like she's not happy until she gets me angry with her."

"Because she *misses* you, Alastor. She wants your attention. You know she's always been a pops girl. Whenever things got bad, she wanted you. Not me."

Her pops chuckled slightly. "Yes. Every skinned knee...every nightmare."

"Then when she got picked on at school, and that one bad friend breakup," Dad offered.

"Yes, I know."

"So are you gonna talk about why you're pushing her off like this? I mean, I don't think Harm cares all that much. She's pretty much aloof anyway, but Mels.."

"She feels her emotions differently."

"Yup. Just like you."

"She is smart. Stubborn..."

"Well," Dad mumbled, "Stubborn is both of us; but smart? Especially the tech stuff? That's all you."

Melody grinned. Yeah, pops had done his fair share of teaching her all the ins and outs of radios. From taking them apart and putting them back together again, how they worked, what made them tick. She'd taken that knowledge a step further and carried it on to her passion for cameras and video.

She supposed she hadn't really needed pop's help this evening. She'd simply *wanted* it. Wanted him. His time and attention, like her dad had been saying. She could have easily fixed that camera herself.

Pops sighed, a radio-infested sound that coated downward into something more human sounding.

"I'll talk to her tomorrow."

"Thank you."

Their conversation continued on to other topics that coasted out the door. Melody listened to the rustling and clicking of lights turning off, of them getting ready for bed and murmuring to each other in that tone of voice couples use when it's just the two of them.

Sneaking back to her sister's room again, Melody changed into a pair of one of Harmony's purple pajamas and slid into bed beside her sister, snuggling close with her and shutting her eyes, willing her slightly buzzing mind to silence itself till it gave way to a drifting sleepy mood.

Maybe things would be better tomorrow. She hoped so. With that thought in mind, she threw an arm around her twin and also a pile of plushies and allowed herself to go off to dream land.

"Ugh."

Melody sat at the kitchen table, frowning at the gadget in front of her. It was a miniature working phonograph, complete with a vinyl record that currently sat amongst a pile of teeny tiny screws, and spare wooden paneling. She was fiddling with the wires inside, her fingers fumbling slightly and she held her hands up and waved them frustratedly as her sister walked in, dark hair nested, and a just-woke-up look on her face.

Harmony stopped, stared at Melody for a hilariously awkward amount of time then waved her arms similarly in a mocking way with her face deadpan.

"Shut up," Mel grinned.

"No coffee?," Harmony had gone to the coffee station by the microwave, "You *suck.*"

"I drank it all."

Dad walked in, let the blinds in the windows up and commenced to making waffles while Harmony fixed another pot of extra-strong coffee -("Since my *sister* is too *busy*")- all in all, just a regular Saturday morning for the Hartfelt-Morningstars. Melody was whining, "It's not riiiight..." While Dad plunked a plate of waffles and a cup of orange juice at her place.

"Trinkets away, ducky. Eat up. You didn't eat dinner last night."

"In a minutttte," Melody muttered, attempting to connect the wires that were wacky in the little system, then when they sparked at her fingers she exclaimed, "Ah, God-DAMMIT!"

"Hey," Dad said seriously, "Don't take my father's name in vain."

She stared at him with an incredulous look, nursing her smarting fingers.

"Kidding," he added. "Joking. Drink your orange juice. Eat your waffles." - he patted her head and walked off.

"Drink my waffles, eat my orange juice. Got it," she yelled at his retreating back and heard his answering peals of laughter, then the sounds of him greeting his husband- "Mornin' deer. Get a load of that kid in there."

Melody had never quite figured out if they called each other 'deer' or 'dear.' Maybe the terms were interchangeable. What if they just said it, and mentally interpreted as the situation saw fit? They did all have deer ears, minus Dad.

Maybe she'd never figure her parents out.

When her pops walked in, she side eyed his profile while she continued ignoring her waffles in favor of her phonograph. He didn't *seem* upset, or anything, just his usual silent morning self digging into the refrigerator for his normal leftover venison, tossing it into a pan to heat it up. He did walk over to examine what she was doing and offer a helpful suggestion or two.

"That wire with this one, and that may work..what is it for?"

Melody did as he said and replied, "Present for Lux. Bye sis," she added as Harmony wapped her on top of the head on her way out the kitchen door, presumably to either draw or write the day away in her room.

"Mm. He's coming by today."

"Shit!" She looked up at him, "It's not finished!"

-"How about this.."

He sat beside her, "I'll help you with it. You're not going to touch your food till it's finished, I'm assuming."

She shook her head, "I'm not doing shit till it's done."

"I figured as much. And after you've finished your breakfast-"

She opened her mouth to argue, but stopped at his stern look.

"-After. You have. Eaten," he reiterated, "I've got something to show you. And I'd like to..have a talk with you. You're not in trouble," he added, his red eyes glinting with amusement at her sight pained look.

"I'm really not?"

She had thought for sure she would be. On the other hand, his retaliations for what he deemed unnecessary backtalk were usually pretty quick and dad had been able to get him to let that one go the night before.

"No, darling. So give the thing here let me show you."

He walked her through it. Every wire and attachment that connected to the power device she had made with her own magic began to make sense as he showed her what thing could go where.

"Where did it go wrong the first time?"

"Well, it *was* working. But the wires burnt out from the power - the battery thing I made."

"Might have been just a tad potent. Try easing some power out of it and see where that takes you."

Eventually she was able to fit everything back together correctly under pops instruction and wolfed down some waffles while he put in the last screw and set the little phonograph on the table. She watched as he slid the vinyl record neatly on and set the needle, flipping the power switch.

Mouth full of waffle, she waited with bated breath as the turntable rotated, filling the room with a tiny record crackle, then..

She raised her arms in triumph as music played, a little instrumental beginning to a song in one of her favorite movies.

"Well, that's that," her pops left the table to continue heating up his own food, Melody doing a happy dance in her seat and then proceeding to take her dishes to the sink while he ate his venison and remarked, "It plays the one song?"

"For now."

She scooped the phonograph up and placed it on the counter, summoning up a little box and a bow, "I'm gonna program more for it though. I know he might not like Labyrinth as much as me."

"Lux always did like his Hensen films."

"Poppa.."

Finished tying the little box up, she leaned on the counter and crossed her fuzzy pajama covered arms, glancing at him, "I'm sorry about last night.."

In that moment, he seemed so enigmatic. His hair was barely brushed, and he was still wearing his red bathrobe, but he still managed to put so..put together. Tall, and strong, his posture always so straight and confident; and there was that unreadable expression in his crimson eyes that gleamed in the orange morning light that fell in from the open window while he absorbed her apology.

"I think I should be instead," he said gently. Sometimes he could be spastic, the radio in his voice hiding everything- but it was dimmed down to a barely discernible crackle now. Sometimes it reminded Melody that her pops could actually have been human once. "You wanted to learn more about her, right? About Eleanor- my mother?"

Melody nodded. "I didn't know her. But I feel like...like I miss her."

"Come on," he put an arm around her shoulder. "Let's go, darling. And I'll tell you about her."

It had been awhile since Melody had been in her pop's bayou dimension; the bit of her parents' bedroom that drifted off into a soft blue lit wood, surrounded all around by a cascade of wildlife noises and bugs trilling. They walked away, feet crunching on twigs and leaves. The air smelled humid but sweet, like flora and fauna heated and promising a beautiful sunlit day.

"Does it ever end?" Melody said curiously.

"I don't know. I can walk for an hour and there's no sign of a barrier. I think over the years it may have grown, somehow. Let's stop. Here is good."

There was no hint that they were actually still in her parents bedroom. This place was a little world on its own. It seemed like, if she squinted her eyes, she could see the shadows of frolicking deer in the vast foggy distance but when she tried to get a closer look there was nothing.

They had stopped at a forked path amongst the trees, which her pops was looking at with a slightly amused expression. "And," he added, "No matter how I've tried to escape this path right here it always loops me right back. I do wonder about that."

He beckoned her over and had a seat on a nearby fallen tree, and Melody obeyed and plopped down next to him, wiggling her toes and continuing to eye her bayou surroundings inquisitively.

"Imagine," her pops said, "A kitchen table. Small. The year is nineteen-ten. We had electric lights at this time, but mother lit a kerosene lamp for me in the dark evening. 'Let's play a game,' she said. 'It's One, Two, Three.' Do you remember that one?"

"Un, Deux, Troi," Melody recited, smiling.

"French," her pops said. "My turn. Uno, Dos, Tres."

"Spanish. That was too easy. Y'all really had nothing to do before the internet, huh?"

He chuckled. "There's more to that. She taught me extensively whatever languages she knew. Lullabies. Nursery rhymes. On nights my...father...if that's what you could call him- passed out drunk, those were our nights. Lessons, and games, and drawing practice. Sometimes calligraphy."

"Tell me what she looked like."

"You know what she looked like!"

"I wanna hear it again."

With his words, he painted her a picture of a woman whose name was Eleanor. A woman with kind, intelligent dark eyes and an easy smile, curly dark hair, and a penchant for soft silly chaos. When his father wasn't around, pops said, she became this person for him. He td her all this not to idolize her memory or color the picture of her as if she could do no wrong; but to remember that she was human, that she existed, and did make mistakes just like everybody else.

Like how she could have left pops father when the drinking got bad, could have spirited the two of them away, and lived elsewhere, even on the streets, when his father became more and more manipulative and violent. Perhaps she hadn't wanted that life for her boy and that was understandable; pops said he just didn't know if she even thought of it.

If she did, she didn't tell him, maybe to save him from the agony of such an important decision. Still, through the pain of what pops had gone through she stayed a shining light of hope for him till he was grown and able to begin a life of his own.

"I had to think back," he said, "To the reality that there were not many options for single women of color in those days attempting to raise a mixed child. I was blinded to that fact in my young adulthood. Call it pride, or whatever you like...but our relationship was strained when she passed. I pushed her away. I was angry with her. Or misplaced. I was angry with my life, and she was my nearest outlet. So on I went without her."

"You still feel bad about it?"

Melody scooted closer and leaned her head on his arm. Just to be near him. She wasn't sure if he was sad, or just reflective; maybe both. She liked the warmth of his bathrobe on her cheek though, and the sleepy early-morning sounds echoing around them. There was nothing like this in hell. It was so peaceful.

"Sometimes," he admitted.

"Is that why..is that why you ..ah shoot," she tried to blink away the sudden burning in her eyes. She squinted, trying to blurr away the tears but they leaked down her cheeks anyhow. Dammit, she hated crying.

"Is that why I've been distant?" He finished for her softly.

She sniffled and nodded.

"I'm sorry," she blurted. "I didn't know. I didn't understand any of it. And that's why I lashed out. I thought you were just being mean, or- or I don't know. It never occurred to me you could have. Real feelings or something. Which in retrospect is fucking dumb," she was full out clinging to his arm now, her eyes making his shoulder wet because her face was pressed into his arm.

"Oh, Melody, no.."

She felt him shift so his arms were around her, her face in his chest, and she reflexively put her arms around him too, inconsolably sobbing.

"My behavior isn't your fault, do you understand me? It never is."

He rocked her like she was little and she let him, clinging to him and drinking in his nearness. She couldn't remember the last time he had held her like this, or who must have said first that she must be too old for things like this.

But she wasn't, she realized. She wasn't too old to be loved by a parent. She was sixteen. That wasn't an adult yet.

"I could tell you more about her," he said. "But I think you'd like to hear her instead. Would you like to hear her voice?"

Melody sniffed, hiccuping a little then withdrew to look up at him, "You can do that?"

"With my radio. Yes. I don't often."

She settled back down into his arms and listened while his radio scrolled around sounding just like it was changing stations as he struggled a bit to find what must be a very deep memory because the static went on for awhile.

Finally, Melody's breath caught in her throat when the beautiful human woman's voice drifted into the humid bayou air seeming both near and far all at once. She was singing.

"Dodo, ti titit manman l

Dodo, ti titit papa l

Si li pa dodo, krab la va manje l.."

When the song had gone on and faded faded off into nothingness because that's where his memory stopped, her pops translated for her.

"Sleep, little mother's sleep

Sleep, little father's sleep

If they don't sleep, the crab will eat.."

Melody couldn't help a small giggle.

"The crab will eat? It will eat me if I don't sleep? Who tells their kid that?"

"It sounds better in the patwa, I promise."

"Pat-wuh?"

"Patwa. Haitian Creole."

"Oh."

They sat there for another few moments, Melody digging her face into her pop's chest. His heartbeat in her ear. Strong, warm. He stroked her hair and hummed while leftover tears from her most current crying sesh leaked from her eyes.

"Poppa. I love you."

He kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too, cherimwen. My dear."

She smiled silently.

Eventually they rose to walk back to the real part of their house, Melody casting one last glance back to that forked path behind them before they went.

"What about that road?"

"Hmm. I suppose..it used to mean something darker to me. I always likened my journey through life to this. An unwinnable series of events. Whether left or right, it seemed each choice took me somewhere increasingly...malicious."

"And now?"

"Now?.." They reached the wooden floorboards of her parents soft orange hell's early morning sunlit room, Melody blinking at the sudden contrast, "I can leave that behind. No more choices, except to love your dad, you, and your sister."

"Huh. You're welcome, I guess."

He laughed, his radio crackling cheerfully.

"UNCLE LUX!!"

Melody flew into the tall man's arms, causing him to go "-Oof- Hey, hey, short stuff!"

Lux was already there when Melody walked out.

He was absolutely one of her favorite people in hell.

It had taken her approximately an entire decade of life to figure out that Lux actually shared zero biological connection with her pops or dad, that he was in fact nobody's brother down here whatsoever- a point Harmony made to drive home and tease Melody about whenever, and however possible.

"He looks nothing like us, dodo brain, why are you so surprised about this!"

Well, it was a little bit like learning that your parent has a name besides 'mom' or 'dad', or that your favorite teacher actually leaves school to go home or grocery shopping. Because for as long as she could remember, the angel with wolf ears and dark hair had been a fixture in her family. There were times he got lost mentally and forgot to come around, but he always did get back to them eventually. Melody had learned to expect that undercurrent of both chaos and melancholy with him. It was just another aspect to his person, like his loud sense of fashion or how his emotional presence made her think of times long past.

"I'm not so short anymore," she frowned up at him.

"Nah. Last time I saw you, you were this tall," he held a hand about a foot above her head, "You're shrinking. What's up?"

"With any luck, she and her sister both will get my height, and none of Lucifer's, or lack thereof," pops said from the doorway, jauntily leaning as he fixed his bow tie. He'd stayed behind to shower and dress for the day.

"Hardee-harr," Dad said from over by the stove where he was fixing hot chocolate for Lux, "I've only had eighteen years of short jokes."

"Sorry, darling, you make it so easy. Look, you're blushing already!"

"And I'm gagging already," Lux rolled his eyes and took a seat at the table.

Just to drive a point home pops snuck behind his husband to give him a pert smack on the rear and grinned when Dad objected "You're gonna make me spill this shit-!" He was interrupted by his husband dipping him into a kiss.

"POPS please," Melody vocalized, scrunching her eyes shut. "Eww-uhh."

"Yes pops. Please," Lux muttered.

"So sorry. I thought you ordered breakfast and a show. Greetings, Lux!"

The wolf man eyed pops outstretched hand warily, "After seeing all that I think I can greet you from here. Not wanting to touch you just this minute. Sorry."

"You're not sorry in the least, " pops returned cheerfully, who had abandoned his now properly ruffled looking blond co-parent to have a seat.

"You're right," Lux returned. "Not a sorry bone in my body. Lucifer, yah sure you want to spend the rest of your eternity with this one? Not too late to back out, you know..."

"Hmm.."

Melody's dad was leaning against the counter, pretending to consider the options. "Well, we're one pregnancy and two children into it now.."

"Plus seventeen years of marriage," pops offered.

"Eighteen and a half years together, give or take-"

"-It's not like we don't all share a last name."

"Yeah, you're right, you can take them all off my hands. Please and thank you," dad decided, pushing a mug off hot chocolate to Lux.

"No worries. I'll come to retrieve you in the dead of night. If the radio demon intervenes I'll send him up to Heaven. Let them deal with him for awhile. Speaking of two children, where's the other one?"

While dad vocalized that Harmony was most likely in her room lost in her own little world (Lux responding that that's a wonderful place to be and didn't wish to disturb her), Melody phased out of the conversation to fixate on the little box on the counter, grabbing it up, while also ignoring the topics which had turned to a bunch of blah-blah things surely invented for older men to catch up with each other and also bore the tears out of impatient teenagers.

She hung around while Harmony finally showed up, and greeted Lux herself.

"Barbara art?" She asked him. Not a hi, hello, just straight to the point. That was Harms.

"Barbara art," Lux agreed, reaching behind him to pull out a portfolio binder, which Harmony received with an excited grin and hopped to sit up on the counter and lost no time perusing. He'd learned a long time ago that if he didn't bring his best friend with him on his visits, he damn sure better bring her latest sketches otherwise he'd never hear the end of it from the darker haired twin who ate, drank and breathed visual art.

"How is dear Barbara nowadays?" Pops asked while his husband dragged a chair over to sit beside him. Melody smiled at the sight of her dad promptly using pops lap as a footrest, and the resulting 'really?' Looking stare he got from the radio demon.

"Good. On vacay with the wife again."

Melody immediately ran over to look at vacation pictures when Lux pulled out his phone to show them. He was really close with Barbara, so of course he received constant updates.

"Stop crushing on Barb's wife," Harmony said from atop the counter. "It's getting weird."

"You're weird," Melody shot back, her cheeks flaming up just a little. Okay, so she was more than a little bit enthralled with Sunny, so what? People got crushes all the time.

"It's okay," Lux said, letting Mels scroll through pictures and videos, watching her smile at the proceeding sight of the happy couple, "Barb said to me once 'I think Melody is a little bit in love with my wife.' "

"Ahh!! Oh nooo," Melody cringed. "What'd she say after that? Was she mad? Pops STOP IT ISN'T FUNNY"

The radio demon was snickering. Dad smacked at him, which only made him wheeze a little.

"No!" Lux was laughing. "She looked at me real serious and said, 'Bitch, I don't blame her. Me too!' "

God, Melody missed her.

She watched over his shoulder while he texted his friend.

•Mels and family say hi.•

His phone dinged with a response.

[Barb] •Alastor behaving himself?•

Both Melody and Lux looked up at the table across them, where Mel's pops was bugging the piss out of his husband again.

Lux glanced at Melody, who shook her head and mimicked taking a picture.

The angel nodded, and promptly snapped a photo, sending it on to Barbara and captioned it,

•No.•

Then as an afterthought,

•Never, actually.•

[Barb]•😂🤣 Is he trying to stick his finger in Lucifer's ear?? Save that poor man.•

When Lux had packed up his stuff, he said his goodbye's to all family members, shaking hands with Lucifer and hugging both girls while threatening pops with eternal torment if he made any of them upset.

"That's a given," Pops responded. "This one here is always upset at something," giving Melody's ear a playful tug.

"Ow!"

"See?" He grinned. "Even as a baby she cried for ages..."

"Don't remind me," Lucifer shuddered. "The great colic incident of twenty-four. Ugh."

"Want me to rip apart his soul for you?" Lux said conversationally, draping his bag over his shoulder as he prepared to head out the door.

"Yes," Melody grinned.

As Lux waved a last goodbye to them all and headed out the door, Melody's attention was brought again to the little box she'd been holding this entire time.

"Ah shit! Shit, Lux!!"

She snatched the door open and ran after him, calling his name again to get his attention.

"I forgot," she panted, catching up to him, "Here," she handed him the box, "I was waiting- I don't know. Till everyone got done talking, or.."

Well really, she'd been wanting a chance to simply have Lux all to herself. Selfishly maybe...and Melody, as loud as she could be, enjoyed one on one time with her favorite people. And the idea of giving him the phonograph in front of just everyone, for some weird reason, made her cringe inside especially with everyone laughing irreverently. The gift she'd just worked so hard on with pops help was less than irreverent; it was downright special and deserved that treatment, she thought.

She watched, grinning, as he opened it, his blue eyes lighting up as he examined the intricate little phonograph.

"Ah, it's beautiful!"

"It actually works," she told him. Put the needle on and press the switch!"

He did so, marveling at the vinyl record crackling, then smiling as the opening score to Labyrinth drifted up to meet their ears.

It's only forever..

Not long at all..

"I'll program more for you," she babbled, "There's a whole lot I can do, if you don't like that one much. It's only the one song-"

But he had swooped her up in a hug, and she laughed when he said "You don't have to do more I promise! This is magical. I absolutely love it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Mels. You did good!"

"Thanks!" She stood back. "Hey, Lux..?"

Her question lingered uncertainly.

"Yeah?"

She meant to ask a lot of questions, speaking of those. Starting with why old phonographs and radios made her think of both Lux and pops, or why their friendship seemed rife with both affection, and a begrudging willingness to get along; a tension she wasn't unaware of. Maybe there was a hint of respect too, for the other.

"I just...I dunno."

Maybe for once she shouldn't ask all the questions ever. And maybe there were complex things about adult relationships she'd never understand. And maybe that was all right.

"Nothing I guess. I love you."

The understanding look that came over his face surprised her, but he thankfully didn't push it.

"Love you too, kiddo. Bye."

"Bye."

No, she thought as she went back inside where her family was now cleaning the kitchen together, maybe there were things she was never meant to know. But she knew enough. That's what mattered.

"How did it go? The talk?"

Lucifer was sitting on the edge of their bed, taking his boots off and unbuttoning his collar.

Alastor sat next to him and said, "It went well. More than that, I think. The little one's growing up. Both of them."

He reached to help Lucifer with his shirt, giving himself to admire his husband's neck and shoulders and the little dip that formed his clavicle.

"Hey now," Lucifer said. "Don't be starting something-"

Alastor had pulled him close and had tugged them both down, smilingly wrapping Lucifer up in his arms and pressing his face into Luce's sweet smelling neck.

"I'm not," he murmured there.

He just wanted his angel near him.

Thankfully, Lucifer let him just hold him. Alastor had trouble admitting it at first, a long time ago in the beginning of their relationship, that he just loved nonsensical skin to skin contact. Loved the feeling of Lucifer's bare back under his fingers and the way he just melded comfortably into being cuddled.

"You're being quiet," Lucifer said. "What's up?"

"I walked to my path again."

He had. After everyone had gone their separate ways and Lucifer was in the shower, Alastor had wandered on a whim in his bare feet into the bayou again. Drinking up the warm, woodsy scent of home. A home he'd shared brief memories of with his daughter today.

The moon had risen on his dimension and turned everything, including his white shirt- yes white, not red for once- a glowing ethereal blur color. He'd taken this trip many times. Sometimes out of sadness, sometimes for a reminder of something he couldn't quite place, and now to satisfy a slight curiousness.

Yet as he'd suspected, in the clearing he'd taken Melody to that morning there sat a grouping of familiar trees, a series of non growing and unchanging bushes, and that fallen stump he'd sat upon with her to tell her about Eleanor. His mother. But where the dirt forked path should be, there was nothing whatsoever but a fresh cropping of softly waving grass.

"Well how about that," he had muttered. "What do you know."

He'd immediately turned about and gone back to Lucifer, unable to tell how he was feeling, or moreover, *should* feel about this change.

Lucifer simply pulled him closer and played with the hair at the back of his neck as they laid in silence.

Alastor trusted that Lucifer surely must know...that this path of his- this devil's forked road that started off so dark and uncertain in his human youth and had taken on so many shades in the decades to come, meant more to him than he could explain. It was an almost abstract concept that, for once, left him unable to paint with words. But he saw the hues of it in his mind.

The last color of it: golden, like the blood that beat with Lucifer's heart.

Today, the path had breathed its last color to the winds.

Alastor trusted that when Lucifer said, "What does that mean?" He understood anyway. He also trusted that when he said,

"Nothing at all, dear," in his airy way, that Lucifer knew.

Somehow..

That it meant everything.

#hazbin #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #alastor hartfelt #hazbin art #alastor #hazbin lucifer #lucifer magne #lucifer morningstar #radioapple #Radioapplemalepregnancy #male pregnancy #surprisetwinstrope #lots of ocs #Youtube

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findmeintheferns · 1 year

Text

your bestfriend’s roommate

(part two)

𝓢𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂: you ignore your new dealer for a week, guilty about giving in to the way she made you feel. However, when your boyfriend betrays your trust, you find yourself running right back to her.

𝓦𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰: dealer ellie/reader, smut, alcohol use, angst, not proof-read (yet), sorry it took so long lmao

𝓦𝓸𝓻𝓭 𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓽: 2.3k

𝓟𝓪𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰: ellie williams (TLOU) x reader

———

“You’re pathetic.” You huff, frowning at your reflection staring back at you in the mirror. It was 11:30pm on a Tuesday and you were drinking alone in your dorm. Today had sucked, well, technically yesterday. You hadn’t been feeling great in general, it had been a week since the incident with Ellie and you were trying to ignore the guilt that wouldn’t go away. She texted you a few times, but you didn’t reply, you didn’t even tell Dina what happened. Then on top of that, you failed an exam that was worth 50% of your final grade and spilt your iced coffee all down your favourite white dress (in front of a huge line of people waiting for their Starbucks). That wasn’t it though, no the real cherry on top was what happened once you got back to your room.

“Did you know that jellyfish are 95% water?” Dina stares at you, awaiting your response to her very important question. She was walking you back to your dorm in hopes that you would feel slightly less embarrassed about wearing a now brown & patchy dress.

“I was unaware” you reply, still facing the ground and kicking the occasional pebble.

“They don’t have a brain, or lungs, or a heart. They are literally blobs of fluid & muscle how fucking weird is that” she explains, clearly very worked up by this discovery.

“Thank you for this information Dina, I am now deeply disturbed”.

She giggles at your response and grabs your face so that her palms are squishing your cheeks, forcing you to be staring directly into her eyes.

“C’mon grumpy pants! It was one bad day and it’s nearly over; it can’t get much worse than this. If anyone can get through it, it’s you.”

You roll your eyes at her, but she knows deep down you’re grateful to have her as a friend. You could always count on her to cheer you up. You grab your keys and fumble to unlock the door, turning to Dina at the same time,

“We’re at my dorm which means we are binge watching the entire Twilight saga tonight.”

“Whatever will make you happy” she laughs, but it’s cut short by a loud gasp as soon as you finally open the door.

“What the actual fuck?!” you yell, unable to believe what’s happening right in front of you. Your boyfriend, completely naked, fucking the girl he told you not to worry about countless times, in your own goddamn room. Is this karma? It must be, although you stopped things with Ellie before it went this far.

“Get out. Oh my god, get fucking out! We are done Alex. So fucking done!!” you scream, most definitely causing a scene because you can hear the crowd of people gathering behind you desperately trying to figure out what had happened.

“Wait- no, y/n please I can explain-”

“You heard her. Get out.” Dina doesn’t let him finish his sentence, which is good because if you had to open your mouth again you would most likely just break down crying.

You were honestly surprised by how upset you were. You had been contemplating breaking up with him all week anyway. After that night with Ellie, you felt things Alex hadn’t made you feel your whole relationship, so that was a definitely a sign. At the end of the day though, you trusted him, this was betrayal you would never get over, which meant losing a friend.

So, yeah, a shitty day was an understatement. You asked Dina to leave right after it happened, you just wanted to be alone, but now that’s the last thing you want. You were done wallowing in self-pity, and you knew exactly where you were going to go. You didn’t text, you just stormed right out of your dorm and made your way down the hall. Dina was staying at Jesse’s tonight, so you didn’t have to worry about her. You do wish however that you had thought about the temperature before leaving your heated dorm. You were only wearing a little pair of pyjama shorts & a cropped tank top but fuck it, the bottle of straight vodka in your hand would warm you up soon enough. It didn’t take long to arrive at Ellie’s, you couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as you raised your hand to knock on the door. You knocked three times, but no answer. It took a solid 5 times before you heard an angry,

“What do you fucking want?”, which made you think maybe you should leave, but before you could she was standing right in front of you. Her face softened instantly, clearly not expecting it to be you at the door.

“Oh, y/n. Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to yell at you.” You watch as she takes in your appearance, her expression changing to what seemed to be concern. She saw the bottle, the lack of clothing and the tear-stained mascara trail that you had forgotten to remove from your cheeks.

“Hey, you okay?” she coos, moving closer to you. You honestly didn’t know how to reply because no, you weren’t okay, but you didn’t really feel like talking about it.

“Can I please just come in?” you sigh.

“Yeah of course, here” she moves towards you, pulling off her baggy sweater, “Arms up.”

You don’t want her to be cold, but you’re freezing and tired so you’re not really in a place to argue. You lift your arms up and she places the sweater on you, it smells exactly like her. Putting her hand on your waist she guides you inside to sit on her bed. You take a big gulp of your vodka, grimacing at the taste but kind of enjoying the burn.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” you ask.

By the look on her face, you could tell she wanted to grab that bottle right out of your hand and pour it down the sink, she just didn’t feel comfortable enough to yet.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she replies.

You take another swig from the bottle, “because,” you frown “because I’ve seen you around school. I’ve seen you with other people. You’re not soft like this, you don’t take other people’s shit. You always look so tough. Plus, I’ve completely ghosted you this week.”

She moves closer to you, gently removing the bottle from your hand.

“Y/n,” She whispers, moving your hair behind your ear so it could no longer cover your face “What happened?”

You couldn’t help but fall into her touch, she was being so tender with you, which is all you could ask for right now.

“T’s so stupid I shouldn’t even care” you sob, burying your face into your hands.

“I won’t think its stupid, I promise.” She reassures.

You look up at her, she does look genuinely worried for someone who should hate you.

“I walked in on Alex, he was having sex with that girl I told you about, his best friend. On top of that it was in my bed too ugh, yuck.” You groan.

Ellie jumps up so quickly you barely notice it happen, “I’ll kill him.” She spits, gritting her teeth.

You laugh, “I wouldn’t object, but you forget I did basically the same thing first.”

Ellie didn’t find that statement very funny “I didn’t even fuck you!” She exclaims, “I mean, sorry, we didn’t take things that far. What a piece of shit. I’m sorry y/n.” She calms down and sits back beside you, clearly regretting her previous wording.

You couldn’t hide it anymore, you were drunk. I mean, it’s not like you were known for holding your alcohol well, but this was pretty bad even for you. You adjust so that you’re facing her, legs crossed.

“The thing is, I was going to break up with him anyway, I thought what I felt for him was normal, but maybe I never really did love him as more than a friend. It hurts more that I’ve lost someone I trusted.” You sigh.

Ellie looks at you, sort of puzzled.

“What I’m trying to say is,” you move your face closer to hers “You’ve made me feel things I didn’t think I could feel, things he never made me feel, in such a short time too. I want to know you, Ellie. I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I try.”

You didn’t have to say anything else because Ellie closed the gap between the two of you, placing her lips softly on yours. She moved her hand around your waist, pulling you onto her lap. You cupped her cheeks, wanting to be as close to her as possible. She was a really good kisser, much better than Alex ever had been. You tried to fasten the pace, but she continued to be delicate, gently stroking your thigh and making your stomach fill with butterflies. You pull away, admiring her features, “I need you, I want you to touch every part of me.”

“I know, and I will, but not right now. It wouldn’t be right, you’re drunk, remember?" She smiled.

As much as you wanted her, you couldn’t help but agree. The second you stopped distracting yourself with her touch you could feel how drowsy you were becoming. Ellie laughed at your sleepy expression, “Sleep here, that way you won’t have to deal with the gross memories back in your dorm.”

You don’t have the energy to do anything other than nod. She lifts you off her lap and lays down, gesturing for you to come lay on her chest. You wonder if she had every been this vulnerable and gentle with someone before. She pulls her blanket over the top of both of you and before you know it, you’re fast asleep with her arms wrapped around you, making you feel incredibly safe.

When you wake up the room is pitch black, it must be early in the morning. It takes you a moment to remember where you are, but the calloused fingers wrapped around your waist remind you. Ellie was still spooning you, her face nestled into your neck. You wished she was awake, because you’re not feeling so tired anymore. You push yourself back, pressing your ass against her. She was fast asleep, so you didn’t expect a reaction, but suddenly Ellie was gripping you tighter and grinding herself against you. This just turned you on more then you already were. You continued to grind, quickening the pace until you heard a low “fuck” slip out of Ellie’s mouth.

“You’re awake?” you ask quietly.

“Mhmm” she responds, still sleepy “How are you feeling?

Horny, you thought. Obviously, you weren’t about to say that out loud.

“Sober” you reply.

“Wonderful, that means I can do this.” Ellie rolls over so that she’s now on top of you, kissing your neck. She moves her way up so that your lips are connected. This kiss however was not like the one before, no this was much different. It was rougher, more desperate, like she had grown tired of restraining herself all night. You let out a moan as she sucks on your bottom lip, causing her to press her thigh between your legs.

“Can I fuck you?” she whispers softly into your ear.

“Please” you groan instantaneously.

Once Ellie knew it was okay, she helped you sit up, basically ripping off your tank top and shorts. You wanted her undressed too. You quickly pulled her shirt over her shoulders before she pressed you back down onto the bed. Ellie slipped her hand inside your panties, touching you in all the right places.

“So fucking wet for me.” She groaned, “This okay?”

You nod, eyes rolling to the back of your head. You have no idea what Alex was doing wrong because it had never felt this good before. She teases you, slowly pushing her fingers inside you but taking them out as soon as they filled you up. You push yourself down onto her fingers, whining, in hopes that she’ll fuck you, but she continues to tease.

“Poor princess, so desperate for me huh?” she smirks, “Don’t worry, I’ve got you. Gonna make you feel so good okay?”

She presses herself inside you again, but this time she stays there. She’s doing something with her fingers, you have no idea what it is, just that it feels fucking good. You kiss at her neck while she continues pushing herself deep inside you, dragging your nails down her back causing her to let out a loud groan. Ellie can’t take her eyes off you, seeing you so vulnerable, knowing she’s probably the only person who has made you feel this good.

“So pretty when I fuck you.” She mumbles, slightly out of breath.

You’re so close to falling over the edge, which quite frankly surprises you, because no one has ever made you cum before. You didn’t tell Ellie this though, you knew how cocky she would get, she’d never let it go. She pulls herself out from inside you and begins to quickly rub her fingers against your clit.

“I’m so close. Fuck.” You moan, drunk on how good she feels.

She leans down and whispers into your ear, “Good girl, cum for me. Just like that.”

This sends you over the edge and you cum harder than you’ve ever been able to make yourself. You bury yourself in Ellie’s neck, already sleepy again.

“I didn’t know it could feel like that” you whisper. Ellie just laughs, gesturing for you to roll over. She plays with your hair and kisses your back, it feels so heavenly that it isn’t long before you’re already asleep again, smiling to yourself.

#ellie williams #ellie williams x reader #smut #tlou #ellie williams x y/n #the last of us hbo #fanfic #wlw #wlw smut #the last of us

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