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jodilin65 · 27 years

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TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1997 Well, the I-don’t-care asshole’s beast just gave me a few barks about 15 minutes ago to remind me it was there. Someday. Someday I will live where someone else’s dog won’t be set off by me rummaging around in my own house. Someday I’ll live where all dogs, voices, and cars are off in the distance.

Speaking of these psychotic fucks - I think I figured something out and that’s that I don’t think that little girl is hers. This would explain why she’s bone-thin unless she’s a druggie, and why she mentioned her nephew and her “niece.” Remember, I was supposed to have told them they couldn’t play out front when the truth is that that was the first time I saw the boy there when I went off about the dog. And also, I’ve never said a damn word to the little girl.

For some reason, I’m actually looking forward to the winter. I’m kind of tired of sweating and just knowing that these aren’t winter people is comforting. Unless that’s gonna change at any point. The only thing that’ll definitely get noisier here is the two dogs as the weather cools down. The kids will return to the monkey bars, too, but that can’t be heard inside the house. I’ve got a good feeling about the winter, but I can’t put a finger on it. Well, I know it can’t be that the bed cures our sex lives or that I’ll be pregnant, but I’m curious to see if they move in December. Or if Mike takes off again for a few months. If he does, then there’ll be no car doors or company car doors to listen to. The only car doors would be whoever drives that sick bitch to and from work.

In a way, I wish we’d be the ones to move before the sick fucks do, cuz then they’ll be hearing from me in the mail and I’ll make sure they know damn well that it’s me too, writing to them. However, if they left first, then I sent them a letter (which would get forwarded to their new place) these deranged lunatics may very well shoot up the house.

Yesterday, I let the devil get the better of me, so to speak, and I felt a little down about how controlled I’ve been in life. God taking away your right to have a child can lower your self-esteem here and there and really make you feel cursed, inadequate, and abnormal. My lungs had been tight for a couple of days and I just couldn’t handle any physical or emotional beatings from God at the moment cuz of his problems with past Jews, other family members, or me.

Then Tom did something that was fun, romantic, spontaneous, and just totally great. As he was putting together the new vacuum, which I love and which is better than the one that broke, he asked if I wanted to talk, or if I wanted sex to make me feel better, and asked me if I wanted him to go down on me or screw. Sex could never solve my problems, but it sure feels good and is a great diversion from shit. I wanted him to go down on me and I told him that after that, we could screw if he wanted to, but I think that he too, wanted to go down on me and not screw. So, he just went down on me, and it was really nice and helped me feel better both physically and mentally so I could get to bed.

Tom said that it’d be best not to call and ask Mary about tube brand trading. He said if I need tubes, to just say so. Well, I don’t need them, but more Play City tubes would be nice to have eventually. Right now, though, I’m more interested in us getting the bed, and that electrolysis thing I want, and a gerbil. I could use a new hideaway and some more accessories like that, too.

Tammy, who only calls when she wants something or if something’s wrong, left a message for Tom to give her a call about a computer question. So we called her, but they figured out the problem on their own. Then Bill got on and asked some other questions and told us a couple of jokes.

I wonder if my mom’s getting senile or if she’s bored and lonely like Andy? After I got done listening to music, I saw she called, so I called her back. She said something about trying to get me on the computer, but accidentally calling me, which makes no sense, and how she knows we’ve got every service there is. Well, not quite. Anyway, she wanted to know what size the bed was, and I reminded her that in my last message, I said that the bed would be delayed a little while. I told her it’d be a king-size and she said she’d be sending a ruffle thing that goes between the box spring and mattress and also pillow shams and 1 set of sheets. She’s also sending a lamp, too, like we need yet another lamp. This package will be here any day now, but then she’s gonna send another one.

The sheets she’s sending match the comforter I’ve got that she sent when I first got here. She too, doesn’t use blankets and likes comforters. I don’t care so much what the sheets look like, but I do want a nicer-looking comforter. This one’s getting old, anyway. Talk about a major matchaholic, though! She started to describe this navy plaid comforter and I told her that that just wasn’t my style and she said she better not send it anyway, cuz it wouldn’t match the lamp.

Oh, brother! Typical Jewish mom!

Originally, we were gonna buy a new comforter and two sets of sheets, but now we’ll just get a new comforter and one set of sheets. She says they just use one set and wash it every week, but I wasn’t about to get into why we want two sets and tell her that I don’t think she and Dad make the mess that Tom and I do periodically. You never know anyway, and it’s nice to have a backup set no matter what, cuz you never know if you may spill something like coffee on the sheets at the end of your day, and you may not care to wait till they were washed and dried.

I busted my ass off cleaning kitchen appliances yesterday and today I dusted, vacuumed, and mopped and I already feel much better. Tom mowed the lawn and was kind enough to clear the back room floor so I could vacuum more space. We also switched back to the EC till Friday. It was just too humid.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1997 Once again, I’m filled with mixed emotions about Tom’s mom. She’s a sweet lady, yet I sometimes wish she didn’t exist. Tom may feel obligated to help out his mom after all the years she took care of him, but still, he was over there yesterday for about 5 hours taking care of her and doing her lawn. What about taking care of me? What about our lawn? He didn’t make the time for this more frequent sex he claims he wants yesterday, he didn’t mow the lawn, he didn’t do the weeding, he didn’t do the hedges and tree out front, he didn’t replace the sink washer. All he did was talk about how he’s gonna rearrange the back room and how he’s gonna organize that, which is pure bullshit. And even if he does do anything with it, he’ll start it in a month from now, but won’t finish it.

He left me a message that he woke up a little late.

Well, of course. She’s running him ragged. What’s to say this won’t escalate till she ends up getting him fired?

I don’t wish her dead or anything, but I sure as hell wish she’d move into Mary’s and sell that old dump of a burden!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1997 It’ll be time to clean and rearrange T-Bear’s cage again soon. In no time at all, after I’ve created a new setup, it gets filthy! Why can’t he pee in the sawdust, rather than the tubes? In fact, I think I’ll go deal with that now, then I’ll write.

My parents sent me the “long” message I said would be nice to receive since typing is so much easier than writing. Yeah, on every other line, with one word per line, they wrote: Dear Jodi, this is the long letter you’ve been wanting, love, Mom and Dad.

I’m gonna call Mary sometime and see if she uses both Sam and Play City. I think she might, cuz when she first gave me that little cage and one T-tube and two curved Play City tubes, she also gave me two curved Sam tubes. I’m really sick of these flimsy Sam tubes and I want to see if she’d be willing to trade me 6 Sam’s for 6 Play City’s.

I spoke to Lisa yesterday and to Tammy and Bill, too. Tammy’s going through what I’m going through - you get your feet on the ground, then the shit hits the fan. Although her problems are medical and ours are with things breaking. She said she may have something called malaria, which is a disease from a bug bite, and the vacuum that I thought just had a loose belt, may very well be totally shot. So, it looks like Tom’s gonna have to get a new one. And due to this, the bed will be delayed a week. Of course. Why not? God wouldn’t want me to hurry up and take any steps towards anything more normal now, would he?

I was in a good mood at one point and said to Tom, “Who knows? Maybe the bed will change our lives.”

Then he said he didn’t say that, and I reminded him that he did say it’d lead us to more sex and him to more cumming and us to finding out who’s right about the sterility (not that I don’t already know who’s right). He was all man when his reply to that was that that wasn’t changing our whole lives. Well, I know he doesn’t care, but to me, it’d be changing a damn good chunk of my life. I didn’t know this, but he said he did get the loan started for the bed, too, which only takes 7-10 days to go through. In fact, he got a very unexpected and guaranteed loan of about two G’s sent to his ma’s house. I thought that this was a sign that the bed was really a lot more meant to be than even I thought, but now I don’t know. I know the bed’s gonna be much more than just one week delayed. I’m not stupid. I know how fate works with me and as I said before, I see absolutely no change in our sex lives when and if we ever do get the bed, but I hope I’m not wrong in a very bad kind of way. Hopefully, it won’t make our lives a disaster, but I guess it couldn’t really do that. I just hope not.

I told Bill some jokes and he told me one. I’m also gonna send them a couple of pages of some more jokes I have in journal 85.

I’ve been exercising again and have been holding at 104 pounds, but I still don’t see myself getting as thin as I used to be between 95-100. I think my body has pretty much settled into what it wants to weigh in this day and age.

I’ve been doing something that’s been making the proofreading of my journals, which is very boring, go a lot faster. I’ve been printing them out, making corrections on the paper, then correcting them on the computer. This way, I don’t have to sit at the computer and I can take the printouts with me wherever I want - to the couch, in bed, etc.

I got a package of notepads and pens from Kim and another picture, too, which I’ve sent to Bob. Yes, I’ve written to both Bob and her. She looked terrible in the picture and her face is like a rectangle. Very long and thin. Guess she lost weight. Anyway, I thought Bob would appreciate the picture more than me, but I won’t be writing to this bore very much at all.

Tom said, “It’s OK to like someone I don’t like and be friends with them.” Well, he’s absolutely right, so I sent Kim a letter. However, I’m perfectly willing to compromise with him, as it’s only fair. He said it was up to me, but if she calls saying she’s coming out here, I’ll make up an excuse as to why I won’t be able to see her.

Tom said the weather was too beautiful today to do any work, but he compromised with me and switched to the cooler, before going to the racetrack. The only thing about it is that it turned very humid when we switched. It figures, huh? Still, it’s nice to have the fresh air, even if the air here is becoming more and more like L.A. It should also be drying up soon, too.

When I got up around 10 PM, I asked Tom how the sickos were today and he said he heard car doors.

Oh, I’m sure he did.

Tom’s got a definite point when he says to only ask something of someone once. I’ve learned that if someone doesn’t comply with your wishes the first time around, they never will. So, I told Tom that I’ll only ask him once to do things like turn the water faucets off tight or stuff like that, cuz if he doesn’t do it the first time around, then he obviously just doesn’t care to. Something would’ve had to be done about this, though, had we had had a kid, cuz if it saw that we weren’t respecting each other’s wishes, it wouldn’t respect ours. As far as asking neighbors anything, no matter how reasonable a request it is, you can’t ask them nothing. I mean nothing! A good 95% of the people in this city not only just don’t give a shit, but if you ask them the simplest favors, they fucking pitch a fit! Back east, the only problems with noisy neighbors I had were at the NHA, but if I had asked every single one of my neighbors to please tone down whatever source of noise, almost all of them would’ve gladly done so. And they’d have had the same attitude I do and would want to be considerate of my wishes, cuz they too, would want consideration. They wouldn’t want trouble so close to home, either. They’d never have not cared this much or gotten so angry over me asking them to keep the noise down that they would end up making even more noise like that butch Andi did. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I really asked the butch and the freeloaders to shoot their parents.

I can totally see why those Mormons moved. They were just too nice for this city and Tom’s so right - there are assholes everywhere, but boy are cities (especially huge ones) infested with them! At least 95% of the people I’ve met here were complete major fuckaroos, like Donna, Rosemarie, Mark, Robert, Stacey, Scott, Ellie, Fay, the freeloaders, and that security guard Steve and the kids next to my second apartment at Crystal Creek, were no angels, either. They didn’t give a damn about anyone but themselves.

I didn’t know this, but Tom told me that if it weren’t for his parents living in Phoenix, he’d have left a long time ago. Well, I’m glad he didn’t so we could meet, but I really can’t wait till we move to a smaller city, even if it’ll take 4-8 years.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 1997 I hope Tom can fix the vacuum that broke yet again, with no problems. As great as he is at fixing things, some things just turn out to be a bigger deal than you first think. Just like when the sickos got their beast. I figured - no problem. It can't be any worse than the other two. Yeah, right! Well, I didn't feel that way when it went off that night at 2 AM, nor do I feel that way when the two dogs finally shut up, and then this one starts up.

As long as people leave their dogs outside 24/7 like they do here in AZ, then I can't stand any dogs being within half a mile of where I live.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1997 According to the message my parents left, we’ll be getting a package next week. I’m always psyched and looking forward to any packages they send. I just hope it’s stuff we like and can use, cuz sometimes they send stuff that I just don’t know what to do with. They tell me to find someone that can use what I can’t and that’s usually what I try to do, cuz I wouldn’t want to just trash something they send.

Once again, they were full of shit when they said Hurricane Nora would bring us a lot of rain, but it has brought us a lot of wind. Down in Yuma, though, is a different story. They’re getting a lot of rain.

All’s still being quiet at night and through most of the day with our sick fucks next door. Yesterday at 7 AM, though, I heard that big black mouth yelling about something, then a few door slams, then that was it.

Sandy replied to my message saying that Andy’s delay was a favor to her with how busy she’s been, but to let her know as soon as he knows when he’s coming in, so she can make the time to go to see him in Springfield, or wherever.

Andy left me a message asking me how to say print your name and sign your name in Spanish since the people buying his old car don’t speak English. So, I told him.

Ma’s in stable condition right now and believe it or not, she doesn’t have to return to the doctor for two months, so that’s good. However, she’s still shaky.

Tom took her grocery shopping the other day and Tom pointed out these really cool-looking ghost cookies and Ma bought them for me, along with a few TV dinners. The cookies were good. They’re sugar cookies with ghosts in the middle of them and I made them up yesterday.

As far as yesterday’s sex goes - yes, things are still the same. God’s still making sure there’s always a problem, offering us no help, and acting like there’s a pregnancy he’s got to keep me from whenever I’m mid-cycle. And Tom’s still too scared to get off and still denying this. He still seems just a little too happy when he doesn’t get off and why is it that he says sex was good when he doesn’t cum, but he doesn’t say that when he does cum?

Anyway, as you know, I’ve been struggling in my mind with what to do about his teasing and his fears and I’ve decided that there’s nothing to “tease” me with. He can’t tease me about getting pregnant when I can’t do that in the first place, so he can seem as teasing and as spiteful as he wants when it comes to sex. And also, I said I was gonna take care of his fears since he won’t speak up on his own, and use my best judgment by avoiding sex during mid-cycle, but no way. That’s not my responsibility. First off, I know his fears can’t turn into a reality and also, I’m not gonna take care of his fears for him. He can do that by not cumming at that time, since the few times he did, it obviously scared the shit out of him even more. It’s up to him to speak up and take action against his fears, not me. I can’t always hold his hand, so to speak, and protect him from his fears, whether they’re unfounded or not. He has to take a stand for himself and stand on his own two feet to do what he feels he has to do.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1997 Tom left for work at 12:30, telling me tomorrow and the next day, we could have time together. Time together to do what? Tease me? Have him be too scared to get off and make up excuses for it? He said tomorrow will be a good day, but what does that mean? As much as I’m always tempted by sex, I have to muster up all the strength I can to say no. We can have a good day as long as we’re playing cards or just hanging out together, but I don’t want to be manipulated or played for a fool in bed, no matter how much I enjoy our sex and get off. Is it really worth him doing something he’s not comfortable doing, just to tease me and tell me he’s not afraid?

I will never ever go "Gizzying" again. Not in the garage, unless it was between November and February. And not unless we saw one in the house. I put the trap in the garage at dusk and went to get it at 10:30 and I caught something, alright. Shitloads of ants! I thought that by 10:30, even though it’s not getting down into the 40s or 50s yet at that time, they’d be in bed.

Their dog shut up at the usual time, but for a good two hours or so in the early evenings, I really do wish someone would shoot that fucking beast! It’s nice and peacefully quiet now, though, and since it’s cooled down into the 70s and 80s at night, I’ve shut off the AC and turned the cooler on “vent.” Friday we’re gonna switch over so we can use the cooler to cool and not just vent. It needs a new part to allow the water to pass through the filter or whatever.

Friday he’ll also order that movie and on Saturday, he’ll finish up stringing the phone wires at Mary’s house and now their fucking toilet broke, so now that’s something else he’s got to fix. I told him that once he fixed his timing belt on the car there’d be something else, but can anyone in this family, other than Tom, fix or do some project themselves?

I can’t believe I forgot to mention the new hole I installed in the cage I last got for Teddy Bear. I’ve been using the hole that’s supposed to be for the wheel that comes with the cage, to serve him treats through. The idiots who designed this cage designed the walls at a slant. Therefore, he never liked this wheel, I believe, cuz of the way it’s tipped at such an angle that doesn’t really allow him to stay on the thing. I didn’t want to put the wheel on that side of the cage, anyway, cuz then the back of the wheel would be facing me and it also needs to be on that side where the side hole’s facing right, cuz that’s the only area I can extend to. I mean, I could reverse the setup and put the aquarium on my desk and run it the other way, but the aquarium would hog up my desk space. With the shelves, though, I can put stuff under them.

Well, I’m glad Tom didn’t ask me how I made this hole, cuz he wouldn’t like it. I burned it through with a cigarette, which took forever as this plastic’s tough, then I used a metal nail file to widen and smooth the hole. But once I got that done, I still had the problem with the wheel I wanted to use besides his pink one, cuz this is a killer wheel. It was still tilted. But I just pushed it out by taping magnets to the wall of the cage to level it out. The top of it rubs against the wall a little bit, but this wheel runs so slickly that it doesn’t matter. I need to file the purple wheel Mary gave me some more to make that one run more smoothly, too.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1997 It’s now the coolest it’s been in months and I’ve got the AC off in the back room and the main AC turned way down. That won’t last long, as the dogs are gonna start barking any second, so I’ll turn the fan on. In another couple of hours or so from now, there will be peace from dogs, so then I can turn the fan off, too. They’re home next door at this time, so the dog will be yipping away for the attention it won’t get, till they crash, and they crash pretty early. They’re lucky they don’t work at home all day and then stay up all night!

I got a letter yesterday from Kim. She enclosed a picture of a flower-shaped cutout. It had a Chinese yin-yang in the center of it and its petals were of a colorful marble-like design. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it, but I’ll find something to decorate it with.

As for the pictures that I use as screen savers - I cropped some of them and also deleted some I got sick of. I still have a much wider selection of pictures than I did before, though, of about 30 pictures.

Andy gave me Sandy’s email address and I sent her a message to let her know that Andy’s trip will be delayed another couple of weeks, but that he’ll let her know what’s going on as soon as he knows. I told her she could pass along any messages for him and that I’d pass along to her any messages he may have.

I can’t believe Tom read a John Saul book, but he did. This is the one that I wouldn’t read, that was sort of like science fiction.

From 6 PM-9:30 PM, that dog just won’t shut the fuck up, so I just turned on some music. At least it’s not in the carport.

I’ve gone “Gizzying” and have set up the trap in the garage just in case I can catch a mouse, now that the cage is escape-proof like never before. I don’t regret setting Gizzy free, since that’s what he wanted, but I sure do wish he could see all the new additions and enjoy them, while I enjoy the fact that I don’t have to worry about him escaping. Anyway, I doubt I’ll catch a mouse at this time of year, but we’ll see.

They have a few movies that they run each month on one of the pay-per-view channels and for the next 6 months, we get a free movie. So, this month I’m gonna check out a movie that he’s gonna call in and order tomorrow. Then, we’ll pick one out again in October.

The unavailable calls that we’ve been getting daily for months have changed. Before, they’d hang up before the machine would come on, but now they hang on the machine for a few seconds before hanging up. You can tell by all the voices that it’s a business, but I still think it’s someone we know playing games. Tom disagrees and I know people are pushy and greedy when it comes to sales, but it’s just a feeling I get. If it isn’t someone he knew or knows, then the only two people I can think of that’d know this number as I said before, would be Fran and Jenny, but Fran would never be working telemarketing.

As I said, it’s been drier and cooler and I wish Tom would let us switch to the EC, but he says it’s best to wait a little while longer. Well, they say that Hurricane Nora that’s coming off the Pacific could cause us to have wind and rain on Wednesday and even more so on Thursday, but I don’t buy it. That’s what they said about Hurricane Linda, but we didn’t get shit. Most of the time they cry storm it never happens. That’s cuz they have to give people the worst possible scenario, even if it’s very unlikely.

Yesterday’s sex was the same old shit. What else is new?! I still should be using my best judgment and doing right by my husband who can’t speak for himself and since he thinks I can get pregnant, I should make sure we don’t screw during prime time. So, if I were all-woman and could conceive, then today and tomorrow would be risky like yesterday was. Tuesdays are when he’s the most tired, so we won’t be doing anything today for sure, but if he approaches me tomorrow, I’m not gonna be too nice to say no. If he can’t say no to the things he really doesn’t want to do, then I will. Yesterday he wouldn’t even stay on top that long at all and old scaredy-cat here wouldn’t cum, of course. Then he went and blamed it on eating too much. That was 3 hours ago from when we screwed, though. Excuses, excuses. Then he said again, that upon waking up and upon winding down for bed would be the best time for sex. Yeah, till he found excuses to make with that.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1997 When I left Andy a message on what I believe was Friday night, I told him that unless he had something important to tell me or was really depressed and needed to talk, I’d call him Monday or Tuesday. Hoping that for once and for all, he’d take the hint, but what did he do? He left a message late last night, in a fine mood, just to tell me I could have Sandy’s email address if I wanted it. Sandy, who’s gay, lives out in Hyannis, MA, I believe, unless she moved back to Springfield and she’s been a friend of Andy’s for a while. I don’t believe I ever met her, but I’ve met this girl named Nancy she used to be with and I guess this Nancy character turned out to be a thief and a liar and even a bit violent. I’ve seen pictures of Sandy and she’s not butchy or feminine. She’s just there, plain and boring. Anyway, Andy said he got her email address and said that we could be pen pals and I could give regular updates on his life to her. When I call him Monday or Tuesday, like I said I would, I’ll let him know that I don’t want her just for the sake of a pen pal, but that I’ll give her any messages he may have.

Tom explained to me something that he’s tried to explain to me that I’d just laugh at. I didn’t and would never laugh when he told me he had meningitis when he was around 5, nor would I laugh at how it affected sound signals within the brain, but I had always laughed when he told me it made him hyper. He was even on medication himself for a little while. He described himself to be just like I’ve always been - racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, etc. The reason I had laughed was cuz this guy’s always been the opposite of me as far as how calm, quiet and less talkative he’s always been and he’s never seemed to have any trouble concentrating in the way I have. Hell, he can read and watch TV at the same time. He said that this is one of the reasons he can’t keep the back room organized. He said he just can’t concentrate. But I’ve seen him concentrate on hard tasks before, so if he’s just saying this cuz he really doesn’t want to do it, I don’t know.

I asked him how it cannot show with him and how he’s able to appear the exact opposite of hyper and he said it took years of concentration and that it’s something he always works on concentrating on so he can do things without his mind drifting off like mine does a lot. Then I made some comment about why he doesn’t concentrate on the kind of sex he says he wants and he said something about all his energy tied up in concentrating on controlling his hyped-up state of mind. Another excuse? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

Remember how I said that he went on and on about how much having a home business meant to him and that that’s why I shouldn’t be getting mail here in bogus names (so as to not appear suspicious and like scammers)? Well, he contradicted that statement last night when he said that as long as he’s with me, that’s just a minor and unimportant thing. I’m flattered to be his #1 and he’s my #1, but I wonder if he changed his story about the home business idea in the hopes of me thinking more about him and less of a kid and how our sex lives are. Get it? So I’d do more talking about how important he is and less talking about sex/kid so he doesn’t have to hear it and deal with it. He is my #1 and he is the most important thing. My only beef with him, besides my beef with God, is that he stops lying and denying his fears and lack of desire for normal full-time sex and a kid. That’s all.

He reminded me of how I made the choice to get married and stay in this marriage, knowing how our sex lives were up front. Yes, I did. And yes, if God and Tom have decided that my being with Tom means never having a child and never going to a doctor about it, then yes, I choose my husband over a child any day. God wouldn’t allow me to have a child no matter who I was or wasn’t with, but for the love of my husband, who’s the only one I ever seriously wanted a kid with, I’d give that up, even if I could have a child if that’d make him happy. I began my talk about my desire to have a child in my early-mid 20s, but the desire to have one before I met Tom and after meeting him, is like the difference between night and day. There’s no comparison. But due to my love for him, I won’t have a child and I won’t go to the doctor. Not even if I could fight fate and win. Not as long as he doesn’t want that, but I just wish he’d come out and say so!

Another thing that kind of bugged me when he mentioned how I chose to get married knowing how our sex lives were, was that I trusted him. It was rather naïve of me to trust him, but when he told me he’d cum and cum regularly, I believed him and took him for face value.

Anyway, like I said before, I’m not about to live the rest of my life with these bitter and resentful feelings towards both God and Tom. I don’t want to live with the frustration, anger, sadness and feelings of what I’ve been cheated out of having. I may have been denied one of nature’s most precious gifts, but I’m not gonna give God, the devil, whoever the fuck it is, the satisfaction of seeing it get to me. As for Tom, if I just remind myself that I don’t want this as much as I used to, which is true, and of what a lousy mom I’d really have made, and of what it’d do to us physically and mentally, and of how he’s my #1 and therefore, I have no right to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, I can live more peacefully. I guess in a sense, I owe him. Meaning, he has more of a right to take away something from me (if God already hadn’t) than I do to make him do something he doesn’t want to do. The man takes care of me, after all. If it weren’t for him, I’d have no place to live, no food to eat, and no animals, computers, and so much more.

Now here’s something that’ll be quite the shocker, since I always used to bitch about it. I was pissed last night that he wouldn’t touch me cuz of his anger and I felt spited, but today’s little tease was actually a blessing. He came out of the shower naked and when he does that, that usually means he’s gonna go straight to the bed for us to have fun but instead, he sat down in front of the TV. Then after a little while, he said he was going to lie down. I kind of felt apprehensive about this, cuz I was not only not in the mood to screw, but it’s not always so easy to bounce right back into the sack with him after last night and knowing that this same old cycle’s gonna go on and on and on. I guess in a way I can relate to his inability to express his true feelings about the idea of a normal full-time sex life and the idea of a child, cuz I know how hard it is to look the one you love in the eye and say “no” to something you know that they really want that you don’t want.

Well, this is when we ended up having our little chat about his hyper side and how he deals with it and it was actually kind of nice. The closeness and conversation mean a lot to me, too, besides the actual sex acts and I didn’t feel as self-conscious as I thought I would. Sometimes talking with him can be like walking on eggshells, cuz where I’m really picky about the housekeeping in here, he’s really picky about what’s said to him and how it’s said. Nonetheless, I don’t think he did have any intentions of touching me, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have stopped me if I had touched him. He’d just have no doubt had a hard time getting and staying hard and he sure as hell wouldn’t have cum. So, like I said, I kind of know what it’s like not to say no to someone you love, cuz there’s been times when he’s initiated sex when I wasn’t in the mood, but out of my love for him, I couldn’t say no. I still enjoy the touching and whatever we do, even if I don’t always get off. I do get off most of the time, though. So, I wouldn’t have said no to him if he’d touched me, even though he’s not your typical male who would’ve had a problem with that, and even though he cums so rarely, but I would say no to something as serious as a child if I didn’t want that.

I’m also doing something that I should’ve done a long time ago. Again, all in the love for this man. I started to pick up the phone and do it the night we had our spat, but he said no, and I put the phone down. He said he’s not telling me what to do and that I have to make up my own mind about dumping Kim. Sure I do. Sure he can’t tell me what to do. It’s my decision, and as much as I love Kim dearly, this decision just doesn’t break my heart like the idea of it did after the shit with her, Phil and Alex first went down, and that’s cuz my love for him has grown over time.

I still believe what I believe and that’s that Tom got jealous and I know that we all didn’t do a damn thing wrong, let alone do anything wrong deliberately. Tom’s not as jealous as he used to be, now that he knows and trusts me more, but I’m no idiot, either. He said he can sleep through noise he knows is gonna occur while he’s asleep. Yeah? He sure did sleep well through those damn Mormon’s kids screaming that he knew was gonna occur and they made way more noise than the 4 of us did and he knew that that’d occur, too. So, nothing’s changed as far as what I believe, but I’m gonna stop all contact with Kim. Alex only occasionally emails me and that I can deal with and that’s not obvious to Tom, as it is when Kim calls or writes. If Tom feels so hurt by these people, then I don’t want these people connected to me and therefore connected to Tom, no matter who I believe was in the right. Tom’s voice is back on our outgoing message and I told him to ignore any calls that may come in with her number. I’ll no longer write to her, either, and as much as I’ll miss her and as much as I love this dear friend of mine (not that I ever expected to see her again), she’s just gonna have to wonder what the hell ever happened to me just like Bob will (thank God Phil wasn’t a friend of mine prior to his coming here!). This is what I want and the way it has to be from now on.

Later…

I feel a little guilty about dumping Kim, I’ll honestly say, but what the hell? I mean, Jenny dumped me after a 12-year friendship. She ended up doing me a favor, which I would’ve done if she hadn’t, seeing that we weren’t getting along, but I know I’m doing the right thing and what’s best. I have the good times to remember and who knows? Maybe our spirits really do meet up with those we knew somehow, somewhere, after we die. Maybe I’ll see her in the sky someday or wherever we go when we’re done with our bodies. That is, if such a thing really exists and if God doesn’t burn me in hell or reincarnate me.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1997 The maroon car visited later in the evening, but other than that, I haven’t heard any doors or barks since I’ve been up and have been up since 1:45 PM. I’m still just about positive that they got the dog under control. If it had really run off, they’d have been over here asking questions. If it did run off, and like I said, I’m sure it didn’t, God’s gonna replace that with something else. What would they do if it really ever ran off, I wonder, besides accusing me? Would they get a new dog? Or would they crank the music back up?

Later…

Yup, the dog’s next door and probably in the carport. Of course, or else they’d be blasting music and knocking on this door about it.

Well, since it can see more than those two dogs can from its position, I just hope nothing goes on in the streets at night to stir it up like stray dogs or cats roaming around much, and thank God they’re not home much during the daytime which would cause it to bark more for attention. Even if a dog is used to its surroundings, it will bark if someone or something passes nearby. So, something must’ve set the beast off 3 weeks ago for it to suddenly decide to pitch a fit at 2 AM.

Other than that, all’s been peaceful with our sick little fucks. That maroon car came to see them last night, but the door slamming has been at a minimum. Even though I’d still take anything over bass, oh how I still miss those months when there was no car or dog! Well, even if he moves - the dog won’t. Also, as it continues to cool down, the boys will be back to play ball and no new and unfamiliar car will stop them, either. They’ll just go ask permission to play and she’ll gladly give it to them. Especially on account of me. I’m sure the lock’s long gone now, too.

I was surprised to get on AOL so easily at 9:33 on a Sunday night. Sometimes it’s impossible to get on for 20 minutes, other times you get right on. AOL’s got their asses covered now. No one can sue them anymore cuz now they claim that you can’t necessarily get online on the first try. They could’ve saved themselves 4 million bucks if they’d just said that up front.

For the first time in months, it was actually a bit chilly out when I just went outside for a moment. That fall feeling is just starting to set in and it’s now just about dark at 7:00. Of course, if someone just went outside in Massachusetts, it’d be a lot more than just a bit chilly!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1997 Oh, what a night it’s been so far! Before I get into it, let me update on next door first. There have been no door slams yet, but the little beast apparently got loose last night at around 4 AM. Both Tom and I could hear it yipping away out in the street. Guess hooking dogs to cars doesn’t work very well. Right after I last wrote, at around 8-something, I heard a couple of doors, then again at 10-something.

So, I ran and prayed to God that the dog would run like hell and never be found (of course, I’m sure that if that had happened they’d think that I was behind it), but I know better. I’m sure it just hung out by the house and was leashed back down later. I thought I heard a couple of barks earlier, but am not totally sure it was that dog. It could’ve been the old man’s dog since the barks are similar.

Other than that it’s been surprisingly quiet so far, throughout the weekend and I guess that that means that they think I’m gonna do something, so they’re behaving so it won’t look bad for them in the court they think they’re gonna have to take me to.

Yesterday I got 9 Christmas labels from the address label company I use. I put 5 of them in journals and I guess I’ll use the rest on Kim and Paula. The Wildlife Federation also sent me animal stickers and address labels. Again, the stickers, which were of daisies, wolves, rabbits, ducks, birds and fish, went in journals and on envelopes. With them and the HS taking care of me, I don’t need to order new fancy labels from Colorful Images, and besides, I don’t write many letters anymore.

Once again, something’s acting like I’m not sterile and like it not only wants to prevent a pregnancy here but prevent us from having a full-time sex life. It’s like something was up there saying, “Oh yeah? That’s what you think!” when we said we were gonna “just do it.” Why?! When is it ever gonna leave us alone?!

We were talking about Cindy, who went over and talked and talked Ma’s ear off cuz she has no friends. I then asked him why he didn’t have friends, besides me, of course. He said it was cuz I’d get jealous. I told him I wouldn’t and that I trusted him. Then I told him that I thought that that was his department and reminded him of how he’s shown jealousy of Kim in the past, which he denies. Then he got angry and said he was going to bed. I told him that I thought he said he didn’t spite me out of anger, so what’s the big deal? I just couldn’t figure out why he was so angry and he said it was cuz I brought up the past when Kim, Phil and Alex visited. He said he’s never gotten over that and that we’ll always disagree about what happened and that we deliberately were disrespectful and did this deliberately, which is such bullshit. Kim, Phil, Alex and I have better things to do than intentionally fuck someone over. Rather than stick around to make him miserable, I’d never have been here in the first place and I asked him, “What? Do you think I deliberately fucked you over?” “You’ve been doing it for years,” he said. Now that really hurt. If I’ve been deliberately fucking him over for years, then how can he say he loves me? And what am I doing here? Because he loves me, he says, and chose to move on.

Well, first of all, I thought we had agreed that we could talk about things we disagree on without getting each other angry. He said we could express our thoughts even if we disagreed and I did not bring it up to deliberately anger him. He said he understood that, but it’s things like this that make me believe all the more that cuz of this and other things, he’s deliberately spiting me by having our sex lives be the way it is and by making sure I don’t get pregnant (not that I could or that God would allow us a normal sex life and a child).

So, he said he was sorry for getting angry, although he couldn’t help his feelings, and I said I was sorry too, and wished I’d known better and was sorry for yelling at him and calling him names, but when am I ever gonna learn to stick to what I say and just forget about having sex with this man and move on? I don’t want sex or a child, whether that’s possible or not, with a man who feels I’ve deliberately hurt him and with a man that I believe is out to spite me and deny me the things I’ve wanted real bad, cuz of any hardships that I’ve unknowingly and unintentionally placed on him.

He said he wasn’t trying to spite me and it was just that love, sex and anger didn’t mix for him. Well, he can do what he wants and I told him so, but not only am I very self-conscious of what I say, but I’m also all the more paranoid and suspicious of his true intentions with me and it just makes me all the more OK with not having normal full-time sex and a child and that bed and the gum to try to quit smoking and a job or anything. I just don’t want to do anything.

Maybe it’s all in his subconscious and he’s not consciously aware of what he’s doing, but he’s been jerking me around and contradicting me in matters of sex and a kid since 1993, and I’m really afraid that this is gonna lead to me not only never touching him again, but lead to me wanting to cheat on him (not that the world of lesbianism and God’s opinion on that, when it concerns me, has changed). I haven’t seriously wanted to, but what if I do? What if I want to cheat on him? What if I want to leave him? I love this man to death, in spite of all I feel he’s done to me both wonderful and not, but how many years does he think he can do this to me and expect me not to develop desires of cheating and or leaving?

Well, if he loves me so much, as he says he does, and if he really doesn’t want to lose me, then after all these years, he’ll change. I don’t know if God will let him, cuz God doesn’t want me involved in any kind of a normal sex life. Never has. Never will. But maybe his actions will someday match a bit closer to his words, even if that idea is just one big dream in my mind.

Although his ways help an awful lot to snuff the intensity of my dreams for a child and for normal sex as the years pass by, how would he like to die and come back as a woman and get the same treatment? How would he like to be spited sexually and made to feel like an abnormal, freaky, fluke of nature and have his dream denied? All with the help of God while the guy ran around saying that everything was fine and remained in denial year after year and refused to get help. Even if God didn’t deny him that dream, a guy like this would.

And when am I gonna have the self-respect I strived for so many years to obtain and stop letting this man, who’s just as guilty as God is, and who stole then snuffed my dreams from me, take advantage of me? If I could just get myself to quit any sex forever with him, he can’t have the satisfaction of spiting me, but you know what? He’d go and spite me some other way. If he’s that determined to spite me, he will one way or the other and perhaps the only reason he supports me and doesn’t push me into getting a job, is so he can have me available for him to spite, and maybe a little bit out of guilt, too. He denies it (not that someone spiting another would ever fess up) and says he’s got better things to do with his life, but that’s like someone saying they’re wearing a red shirt that’s really blue.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1997 Andy’s here now, checking out stuff on the web. He got here about 20 minutes before Tom left for work, with a shirt from Laura. It’s a short cotton, wide-necked shirt with short fringes.

Andy really liked the latest wall art and the new journals.

I really worry about him at times, though. I said I’d introduce him to Spunky and he said I already did, though I know I didn’t. And he asked me if I met Laura before.

Good, God! Is he that bored and lonely? Or does he have a brain tumor? I hear him talking to himself, too. That’s fine. We all do that every now and then, but I’ve never heard him at it like this before.

Later…

Andy just left, after I printed out an article for him.

I got an early 80s CD in the mail from Columbia House’s series. Unfortunately, there are only a couple of songs on it I like and I already have them on tape. They’re still nice to have on CD.

Little did I know that it’d be Tom reading John Saul’s new book, but he’s been reading it and he says it’s OK.

The Blackstone Chronicles are great. The usual to be expected from him. I finished part 5 and am now on 6 - the conclusion. Then, it’s back to my second Clare McNally book.

Hopefully, this upcoming trip of Andy’s will “set his head straight,” so to speak. I told him I worry about him for saying he’s seen this new GP and even he said he worries about himself.

On his way out the door, he told me he had a phone card so maybe he’ll call me from the beach.

Oh, God! Give me a break! We talk enough here.

When he returns, though, I’ll be made to make up for lost time. He’ll want to talk for an hour at the very, very least for a good 3 days in a row.

I’ll sign off now hoping for a third peaceful weekend, but I think that��s really pushing it.

I guess we’re gonna be going to look at beds this Sunday, but I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but bye-bye!

Later…

This last book of Saul’s 6-part series really makes me wonder more about my worst fears - divine retribution. You don’t run around sterilizing people for no reason. Or hexing them sexually. Or knocking an ear off. Or killing two kids. Especially when it’s all in the same family, too. So, knowing that there’s an obvious curse in my family when it comes to kids and sex, I think that someone in the family, long before I was born, had to do quite a number on some children sexually and so Tammy, Larry and I are paying for it. My sister can’t cum, my sex life’s been a fluke, two of Larry’s kids were killed, then there’s my ear and my sterility. So something up there obviously felt the need to get us sexually and where kids are concerned.

Alright, I’m not gonna sit and listen to the door slamming that just started, so I’ll go listen to music, then return later.

Later…

Tom got his car fixed but needs a good two hours to put it back together. So, due to having to do that and his having to string those phone wires at Mary’s house, we won’t be going to look at beds this weekend. I also wonder, as I’ve said before, if he’s getting a touch of cold feet.

Earlier we agreed again that we could talk about the things we want to do all we want, but this time, for once and for all, we’re gonna do them too, but this is still one big joke after all these years. If something hasn’t wanted us to do the things we’ve wanted to do at this point, then we never will. I told him, “We’ll do what we say we’re gonna do as long as we’re comfortable with it.” Then he said, “We’ll try our best to do what we want to do and not worry about what we have no control over and just deal with it as best we can.” In other words, what he’s really trying to say is that he has no control over his fears and lack of desire to cum much, so he won’t, and we’ll just deal with that. “I can’t guarantee you’ll get pregnant this month,” he said during our Tuesday chat. Really? No shit!!!

A year ago, some old lady came to Ma’s house. She lived there in the late 1920s and she wanted to look around. Just recently, ma was reading up on some old lady who was writing an autobiography, and parts of it were published in this paper. It said that the lady said she grew up in Phoenix and was describing how much it had changed over the years. She said she also went to visit the old house she grew up in and guess what? It was Ma’s house. She recognized the lady’s picture in the paper. Pretty neat.

The dog may have been in the carport last night, although I’m not sure, didn’t bark during the day and just a little bit in the evening. If that household is as empty as I think it is during the weekdays, it won’t bark as much as the two dogs do, cuz where those dogs live, there are always some there 24/7. I think it’s another Mormon family there and that they home-teach their kids. I don’t think they ever leave the house and if they do, it might only be for something like church or doctor’s appointments.

I would say that if they’re gonna be seeking revenge on me, it’ll be this weekend. I disagree with Tom, as far as how he says they wouldn’t make it obvious and it wouldn’t be deliberately aimed at me. I know a lot of it is cuz they just don’t care, rather than that they’re aiming it at me, but I think some of the things they’ve done have been deliberately aimed at me and very obvious, too.

Lately, I’ve been hearing horns honking a few times a day. I can’t say for sure which house it’s honking at, but it seems too coincidental, if you ask me, right after our little spat. From what it sounds like, it sounds like she gets dropped off, then this horn honks. Get it? As if she told the driver to do that for her in regard to me.

Tom said that that could be her brother named Michael for all we know and as I said before, some things have changed since this dude moved in. This teenage boy is suddenly there, there are car doors slamming instead of music, there’s this dog, the black guy that was talking to the white guy and then there were the boxes and the U-Haul. My guess, though, is that it is the Mike who first moved in.

The more I think about the feeling I have about them moving in December, the more it doesn’t make sense. Subsidized houses aren’t too easy to come by, therefore, if that’s really the case with them, why would they want to give that all up after just a year and a half? Another weird thing, though, is that if it were just her and her daughter to get the house subsidized (it’s her house and not his), then why would they give her a 3-bedroom, unless this teenage boy’s been there all along? And if the boy’s been there all along, why haven’t I seen him before? And if he did move in when Mike moved back in, why hasn’t he constantly played basketball?

Later…

Right after I last wrote there were at least two door slams, then 4 or 5 more at 7:30, which I thought was their weekend company finally come to return, but it wasn’t. Then I heard another car door a little while ago. Even at 11:15 last night, I heard one. How can I think this isn’t both obvious and deliberate? Newer car doors shut easily and quietly so it’s pretty obvious that this motherfucker’s deliberately slamming doors pretty hard and I highly doubt he just has to “get things” from his car this often. Yeah, I know you’re there you sick fuck!

I just heard the dog which will hopefully settle down for the night like it has been that I know of since that other night and it may be in the carport. For some reason, it’s kind of hard to tell, but I’d guess that 3 nights ago they moved it back to this very unusual spot. About 45 minutes ago I heard doors and someone rummaging around there (hooking the dog to their car), then some plastic-like object sliding, like maybe a dog bowl or a shit scooper. So, even though they may have an enemy that they fear may approach the house by way of the front or the back, it’s rather obvious that they put the dog there with the hopes that it’ll annoy me (although, Tom says that once a dog gets used to a new place, it’ll settle down in a day or two and I guess it already has). I mean, think about it - who would choose to put their dog and its shit and piss on concrete where you park your car, over grass? On the grass, the shit and piss won’t run and smear all over the concrete and the car’s wheels. It’s easier to scoop shit off of grass, and since you can’t scoop up every bit of it unless it’s super hard, it’ll get rained on, but what are they gonna do? Mop their carport regularly or hose it down, since it can’t rain in there, all in regard to me? And have it reek of piss which could seep into the ground if they had it where the grass is?

Yup, pretty sick fucks we got over there.

Anyway, a thought crossed my mind and made me wonder if maybe they want me to shoot their dog so they can take legal action against me. Maybe they do want an excuse. They obviously don’t give a shit about the dog, anyway, to be leaving it outside 24/7, so are their hopes of me shooting it and taking me to court more important than the dog? It looks that way not that I own a gun or would shoot it if I did.

The block wall runs from the front of the house, past it and to the end of the backyard. Their carport runs just about the length of the house and in the winters, he’s always parked the car just outside of the carport, where any door slamming isn’t as loud cuz it’s not parallel to the block wall and therefore, can’t funnel and enhance sound so much. However, and even though these are summer people, this winter may be different. The more I think about it, the more I don’t see them giving up a chance at a subsidized house so soon and they may very well be here till we move, so who knows what the December feeling’s all about and if he is here this winter, I think he’ll still park deep in the carport, parallel to the back room, so he can hook the beast to it and so I can hear the doors better.

Depending on what they do from here on out, I don’t know just how easy it’ll be to keep my promise to Tom and to do the right thing if there really is a right thing I can do, and if Tom really will help me. Sometimes I just think it’d be easier to go over there and beat the snot out of them. I can’t see them calling the cops on me for it. I think they’d be too embarrassed.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1997 I’ve been meaning to mention, but have kept forgetting, how much better my voice has become over the last year or two. Yes, I still can’t get through a song without having to stop and clear my throat, and I still have coughing and congestion that go with smoking, but nowadays, I’m almost never tight. More than half the time back east, it’d feel like a pitchfork was lodged in my throat, but now it’s almost always nice and open.

Tom put this really cool thing in my world that clears the scoreboard of that tiles game I like. My speed is so fast that I fill up the scoreboard and can’t get humanly faster enough to get into it, so I can clear it whenever I want at the click of a button.

He went to the library and picked up the remaining two parts of The Blackstone Chronicles and his latest book - The Presence. Again, another disappointment. I thought that The Presence meant I was in for one of his typical and great ghost stories, but nope. This is more like some science fiction crap that deals with some volcano erupting in Hawaii. Both Black Lightning, which was a murder mystery and this, has been disappointing and I hope he goes back to his usual style like with The Blackstone Chronicles, Suffer the Children, Nathaniel, Second Child, Comes the Blind Fury, Punish the Sinners, etc.

That book I just read called Ghost Light by Clare McNally was great and I’m starting her Stage Fright book and hope to read others by her that seem to be mainly supernatural terror.

The freeloader’s beast was back in the carport last night in the early evening. From about 9:30 on, I didn’t hear anything, but I don’t know. I don’t know what these assholes are up to and how people can be so rude, inconsiderate and just not give a damn about others, but I am gonna have them served if they or their dog become a problem. This is twice that I know of, that they’ve had this beast in the carport. Why such an odd place? Perhaps they’re scared of someone and perhaps that’s why they sometimes have it there so that the dog can see anyone approaching both the back and front of the house. After all, people like this do tend to make enemies. They just have a total “fuck you” attitude and it’s too bad that’s her dog and not his. It has to be her dog, cuz of how she said, “If anything happens to my dog,” and not “the dog,” or “this dog,” or “that dog.” If he left, that would cut out the door slamming and company, but the dog would still be there.

I asked Tom to see if he could find out at the library who owns that house and if there was maybe a landlord or someone we could call if we needed to, but as I expected, he said he’d be tired and would just want to run and grab books, then leave. Yes, I’m sure he was tired, but I also know he doesn’t want to do this, cuz I’ve mentioned it in the past. I wish he’d just say no to the things he doesn’t want to do!

I have a slight to moderate vibe that they may move in December. Of course, I don’t know if this really means someone’s gonna move in or out of that household like it’s meant in the past when I’ve gotten these feelings, but I still hope they move. I know God would replace me with neighbors with lots of little screaming kids, ball games and dogs worse than this, but the stress of any possible bass might be worth it and it just plain and simply nerves me up to know I live 3 feet away from people that are sick fucks who don’t give a shit. I mean, these are the types of people that for all I know, could shoot up the house or try burning it down. They are sick! They have no sense of empathy, guilt or feelings for others. No respect and no consideration whatsoever.

I’ve heard talk about this, but according to an ad in the TV guide, they have a brand of cigarette out now that’s 100% tobacco with no additives. I can’t wait to try these.

Now, for my pain in the ass best friend - well, I still wish he wouldn’t call 6 times like he did yesterday and leave me 3 messages in a day. I’ve told him before… I’m too busy and am just not into playing phone, but he just doesn’t care or get it. This shit he tells me can usually wait and I just wish he’d cut his calls/messages down to once or twice a week. This telling him one thing, then him doing another, may be connected to his memory loss problem that he says is getting worse, but I don’t know. His memory’s not that bad and he’s not stupid either, so I just think it’s a case of utter boredom and him just doing as he wishes to do.

He still doesn’t know when he’s leaving but will be leaving within two weeks, although he says he doesn’t feel like he’s gonna be leaving at all. Well, I’ll be looking forward to him and Michelle not only getting the new car and seeing Xena and Stevie but also the break from the constant calls/messages. Sometimes a few days will pass when I don’t hear from him, but these few days that pass just aren’t often enough. It doesn’t mean I’m sick of him or don’t want to hear what he has to say, it’s just that he goes on and on and I’m just not into sitting on the phone for 1-3 hours like he still is.

Anyway, he told me he’s always had memory problems so it can’t be all pot-related, then he outgrew it for a while and now it’s back stronger than ever. He ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then couldn’t remember what he’d just eaten afterward. He’d go to call someone and forget who he’d be calling as the phone started ringing. He’d forget people’s appetizers at work before their main courses. So, we discussed the possibilities - the pot, the stress, the loneliness, a physical problem, but then Tom told me later that to him, it sounded like pure boredom. I think he’s right. This guy is very lonely with no life other than his work and pot. I feel bad for him. My life changed out here and his didn’t. He’s still into the same old things with the same old losers and it’s kind of sad. I may have a fluke of a sex life, no chance at having a child, and my own moments of feeling like I have a stagnant life but still, unlike him, I do have a life. Even he admits he doesn’t like doing anything. He hates writing, and reading and has no computer to enjoy.

Well, Andy will be enjoying the computer tonight, more than likely, to check out Stevie. He said he’d be by between 10 PM-midnight, but that depends on if he can use Laura’s car.

There goes door slam number two from next door just now. So, about 4 more to go.

Later…

Andy may be here between now and midnight. More like 11:00 to midnight. If not, I guess he’ll visit tomorrow night. I’d prefer him to come over when Tom’s not asleep, though, so he can see the latest wall art in the bedroom.

I read that ad wrong. It didn’t say 100% tobacco with no additives; it said 100 % tobacco with no additives. So, I guess they still contain nicotine. I wonder when they’re gonna come out with cigarettes that don’t have any nicotine? What’s taking so long?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1997 Got a letter from Kim a couple of days ago and she sent two pictures. She still looks the same, as far as her clothing styles go, and she might’ve lost a bit of weight, but yes, her hair is different. It’s almost to the middle of her back and it’s quite thin, compared to mine, but it does look a lot better than the short curly layers. I’ll have to ask her where these pictures were taken and who the two guys are that are standing by her in one of them. I guess one of them would be Walter, but she didn’t say.

Yesterday after Tom got home, we had a talk. I know it was just that - talk, but it still made me feel better, cuz I was feeling a bit down again. I still know damn well that full-time normal sex and a child aren’t in our cards, whether or not we get the bed, but sometimes it helps to talk about things you can’t have, anyway. Of course, my dear, sweet, loving husband was going along with me, not cuz he didn’t know any better, but cuz he wanted to cheer me up, too, and I do appreciate this. It’s not like he was kidding me with anything I really believed could or would happen when he told me what I wanted to hear and what I wished could really happen.

He told me, “he’s been ready” and that he was just waiting till I’d simmer down the anger, yelling, and name-calling spells. He said, “Do it.” If I want more sex and to see who’s right - just do it. I know that’s easier said than done and I know who’s right, but the most important thing is that I felt better. It’s important that I learn things to make me feel better whenever I feel brought down by what I can’t have and any abnormalities I have to live with. This is all I can do for the rest of my life so that I can keep on going and keep on living life.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1997 When David lived here, he put up two little old ugly ceiling fans/lights in the back room. Well, one of them broke completely and the other’s screwed up, old, ugly and not worth fixing, so we’re gonna get a new light, that’ll hopefully match the one Tom just got and replaced one of them with. It’s a nice fluorescent light, but it’s very dim. It’s not a good reading or writing light at all, but it’s good to enhance the two lamps we’ve had in here for projects like redesigning Teddy Bear’s cage. Again these are just lights we’re replacing this with and not lights with fans, so we’ll buy another fan on a stand for back here if we want.

Tom did a great job of installing it and it also looks really nice. It’s very modern and does a lot to help the looks of this old, dark, ugly room. I say old, cuz the room’s old. I say ugly, cuz it is. I say dark, cuz most of the walls back here have brown paneling and the two long windows in front and one window that’s on the side facing the assholes, are up high. There are also two smaller ones that used to look out onto W. Weldon. That was before the garage was put up to replace the carport. One early evening David was out, someone broke in through the side door of the house that’s off the kitchen, leading to the garage. I’m glad David had a pool and a garage put in, but I still can’t wait to move to something bigger and more modern and that doesn’t have a house 3 feet away. If we had had a kid, the spacing of the houses wouldn’t matter, cuz our own house would be filled with lots of noise of its own, so then I’d just have wanted something bigger and more modern.

Believe it or not, we screwed yesterday, but if it had been left up to him, I’m sure we wouldn’t have. I went and told him that since we both say we want more fun, why not take this time while we’re both awake and available to do it before getting on with other stuff? So, we did and there was the usual excuse alright, but guess what? It wasn’t his! No, thanks to our beautiful God who always has to make sure there’s a problem, I was rather dry the last few times and the area was getting irritated. So I stopped him before it could get any worse, but fate will make sure there’s something else the next time.

We teased each other and Tom was saying I was scared. I reminded him that that’s his department and that if I thought I was OK and was really afraid to get pregnant, I wouldn’t have been scared yesterday, seeing that it’s the wrong time of the month for conception. On the other hand, I’m sure God would’ve made it the right time if he knew I didn’t want a child. I appreciated having a man so understanding and not bothered at all by the fact that I had to stop him, but that’s just it. He just seemed too elated to stop and although I’m blessed with a guy like him, it just doesn’t seem normal. Is there anything that’s ever been that normal when it comes to my life, anyhow? No, the bulk of my life and the bulk of those I’ve known were either very different or very abnormal. All in good and bad ways, but mostly bad. I’m not saying that Tom’s mostly bad, though, or else I wouldn’t be with him. It’s just that his ways in bed really make me wonder about him. All I ever seem to have when it comes to sex, Tom and God and the whole damn situation is suspicions, theories and questions, but never any answers. And wishes and complaints, but never any solutions.

Why does he want to see me hurt by him sending off messages about the bed changing our sex lives when I know it won’t? Sometimes I don’t know if it’s simply a case of over-optimism or overconfidence with him. He can’t be that naïve. I think deep down he knows better and only he can change our sex lives. And only God can allow us a child. Another way I can tell that God’s dead-set against us ever having a child and that it’s surely not meant to be is that I know God can do anything. Therefore, if it were really meant to be, he’d make sure that either one of his precum sperms had made a baby or one of the times he’s actually cum. He could help us if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want us to have a child.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1997 Well, the effects of Hurricane Linda have brought some moisture and drizzle to PHX this morning. We’re not gonna get anything like the massive storm we got hit with last week. Tom said it’ll only storm like that once every 5 years. I can’t wait to see how the roof leak is doing at this point since Tom put all the coatings on, but it’ll have to do a little more than just drizzle before we can see how it’s working. I still won’t believe it’s fixed till I see it if I see it.

I chatted with Andy the other day. All’s fine at work as we figured it would be. He said yes, he’s made some comments to him, but not direct hits. Meaning, he wasn’t hitting on the guy cuz the guy wasn’t his type. The guy was talking about sex in general, as he says the whole restaurant always does, and Andy was simply responding back. Not hitting on him. But I guess like he said, the guy got mad at him for something else, so he took that as an opportunity to flatter himself.

He still doesn’t know when he’s leaving. He has to wait till his folks buy the new car and for Evan to send his plane pass so Andy can fly for only $60. This is cuz Evan’s a mechanic for United Airlines and Evan even has his own 3-seat plane that he built himself. Pretty good for a guy 13 years younger than Marla, much less mature than she is, and who’s just your typical male who thinks below the belt only at all times. I envy her, for that part of it, but at the same time, I know that if Tom turned into your average guy sexually, I’d get sick of that too, in time.

I never met Evan, but it seems he’s an odd pick for Marla. When they got married, Marla was mature, but he was still practically just a kid.

It was another very peaceful weekend here. The dog’s been fairly quiet in the days and all’s completely silent around here at night. Like I said, the winter will change all this, but all I ever heard all weekend was a couple of door slams. To my knowledge, they played no music and there was no company, either.

The fact that there hasn’t been any company or much door-slamming for two weekends in a row brings me to a few theories. If they’re not waiting to jump out at me with noise, after having me think all will remain peaceful, then maybe they’re keeping such a quiet low key in case I do shoot their dog. It wouldn’t look good in court for them if I said they’d been harassing me with noise. Or maybe they just don’t want to do anything to provoke me into not only shooting their dog, but me taking them to court. So, so far, it looks like they don’t want trouble any more than I do, which is cool with me.

OK, I guess that’s it, so now I might as well get into the usual topic of discussion. You got it - sex and a kid. Yesterday and the evening before that, I was kind of bothered again by the reality of the fact that there’s no full-time normal sex life for us or a kid. Still, I just don’t know what to truly believe. My mind goes back and forth from - if this guy wanted to fuck with you as far as sex and a kid goes, he would fuck with you in all areas and wouldn’t show such love, caring, understanding and so much more for you with non-related subjects. Then I go to - a bad person doesn’t have to be all bad and even those who are mostly of good intentions, have their flaws and dark sides. He’s a slick, smart guy who could easily bullshit you. Anyone can hurt you in a couple of areas, yet be so wonderful otherwise and you know how it is - if you can’t trust your own parents, who can you trust?

From now on, though, I’m gonna go by people’s actions and not their words, cuz actions speak louder than words. As long as his mouth says he wants normal sex full-time, but his actions don’t, I’m not gonna push it. And as long as his mouth says he wants a kid, but his actions don’t, I’m gonna avoid sex during prime time cuz he thinks I’m fertile. I really mean it when I say that his words say one thing and his actions say another. My husband who declares such horniness and such a desire for more sex, wouldn’t even go on top yesterday. He just got me off by going in our side position, then stopped a few minutes after I came saying something about his back being tired and not wanting to strain it so he has to sleep it off or get an injury. In other words, he wasn’t in the mood. Then right after this, he took a nap and I wouldn’t be surprised if he took care of himself. The only thing that doesn’t fit, is why would he worry now? He could get off in me if I was the most fertile woman in the world and nothing would happen.

And of course, he just had to go and break another promise. Today’s the day that was supposed to have been enough time for me to see how much more he suddenly squirts. Yeah, right! He’s so full of shit and although he can smoothly cover up his lies about wanting a kid and more sex, I still can see right through him as good as he is. So he’s a good liar, but a bad one, too. He knows that all I can do with what I see him do is suspect, but I can’t truly prove a damn thing, even if it is so obvious if that makes any sense. He’s not stupid, so no matter how obvious his actions are towards something, he’s not gonna admit what he’s really up to and what he really feels/wants and he’ll always make excuses in the meantime.

Even if I were OK, we could never have a child with the way our sex is, unless we got very lucky and had a good God on our side (or at least on my side) and he knows this. And if I’m not OK, but were fixable, even though I know I’m not OK and not fixable, we’ll never get to a doctor, cuz we’ll never have the full-time normal sex for a good solid year or so to see just who’s right, therefore, we can’t go to a doctor. We could, but we never will, cuz he’ll just keep on running around saying year after year that I’m fine and that we’ll have that normal full-time sex life. Meanwhile, the years will pass by and it’ll be too late to see a doctor about both the sex and the sterility, whether or not I really wanted to. I would think that most couples would’ve gone to a doctor about both the sex and the sterility a good two years ago, but this man obviously does not want a child, and doesn’t give a shit about normal full-time sex, therefore, he’s not gonna do a damn thing to help us. He’ll just do everything to prevent the pregnancy he thinks can occur, and also, everything to prevent finding out that just maybe I really am sterile, so he doesn’t have to deal with getting the help that he doesn’t want.

Just because I’m used to his lies pertaining to sex and a kid, doesn’t mean I have to hear it. I’m sick of him denying that there’s a problem here with both the sex and my plumbing and saying one thing while doing another. I’m tired of God’s lack of help and lack of caring and of Tom’s denial and fears holding us back from at least having normal sex. Regular sex where we both get off regularly. “Don’t worry at least for the next few months,” he had the nerve to say. Whether or not we get this bed, and it appears that that idea’s getting a little scary to him, since he’s made no move to take out a loan yet, along with the fact that he loves to make me wait on him, nothing’s gonna change. How stupid does he think I am? Does he really think he can keep lying to me and saying the same things and lies he’s been telling me from the get-go for the rest of our lives? He obviously does, cuz after 4 years, there’s still no end in sight to his lies. And still no sign of any God deciding to step in and help and end this one way or another, be it by me needing a hysterectomy, or by Tom changing and putting his actions where his mouth is, or by Tom admitting the truth. However, could it be, just could it be that yes, he held back from cumming altogether, then decide a few squirts here and there was OK cuz it wouldn’t be too bad of a time for a kid at that point should it happen, but was really just waiting for what he felt was the perfect time to really let go (the bed in this case)? Sounds too good to be true, so no, he is who he is and there’s no changing how he is and what he wants in bed, and as far as a kid goes.

Well, I’m not gonna humiliate myself and let him play me for a fool year after year. I mean, he’s won, he’s got me blocked in a corner and I can’t get out. I can’t yank the truth out of his mouth and I can’t make him put his actions where his mouth is, but until and if I ever see differently, and I know I won’t, he’s full of shit! So year after year, since this shit’s obviously never gonna end and get old in Tom’s/God’s eyes, I’ll just be like “mm-hmm” every time he swears I’m OK, we’ll have the kind of sex we say we want, and a kid as well. I know the truth and since I’m the only one here willing to face that truth, all I can do is live my life catering to his desires and fears and just accept the fact that I couldn’t have a child, even if God would allow it. He is the man I love and therefore, I must do what makes him happy. I don’t want to throw things on him that’ll just scare him or turn him off in any way. So, I’ll just take actions that’ll suit his actions and just try to go deaf when he tells me his bullshit.

Another thing he said that kind of hurt my feelings was after I asked him to maybe think about seeing other women to fill in the gaps, but he said he didn’t love other women. He said that sex to him, has nothing to do with lust, but rather it’s an extension of his love. “What? Do you love me part-time?” I asked him.

He said no, he loves me full-time. Well, I’m sure he does. Out of bed. But in bed, yes he does love me part-time. I’m not stupid here and I know it’ll be at least a week before he’ll touch me again. He’ll be too busy, my schedule will go wacky, or he just won’t take any available opportunities that are there. At least he always loves me when I’m sick or if I need something. He picked me up some new pens yesterday, which was nice of him, and I needed them, too. He got me more plain white paper, too, for my journal drafts.

I’d also still like to know why it is that something up there is acting like I’m really not sterile and that it’s just waiting for the right time. There is no right time. It is not meant to be. So, what the fuck is it all about? Why is it acting like something that can’t possibly be? Cuz if it were meant to be, it’d have been by now. Also, guys like Tom don’t change, so it’d have to make sure we kept missing it, which we didn’t cuz I know we hit right a good 5 times or so, then have Tom miraculously change and things like that just don’t happen. Why would it wait till a certain time, then miraculously fix me, then have Tom be suddenly much hornier and not afraid to deal with the consequences, sacrifices, and responsibilities that go with me either having a miscarriage or a kid?

Well, now I gotta go eat, then do up some letters for Kim, Paula and Larry.

Later…

You know, it really annoys me to have to be interrupted from what I’m doing just to hear Andy say one word (lonely) on the machine. I’m sorry he’s lonely, but I wish he’d either talk about it or hang up before the machine came on. On the other hand, I don’t really dig it when he constantly leaves long messages, either, of non-important stuff that can wait till we both are in the mood and available to talk. He just doesn’t get it, though, and if he doesn’t by now, he never will. What if we had had a kid? The guy would go crazy. He would still expect me to be there for him on the phone nearly every day and that just couldn’t be.

I forgot to mention that I used my own address labels to redo my backup disk labels. It looks really nice and Tom said that’d be a good thing to market.

Tom got two loaves of bread since they had a buy-one/get-one-free deal. So, I gave the bird one loaf and they actually ate it before the ants did.

Later…

I guess we’re not gonna see the effects of Hurricane Linda after all. All we had were clouds and a bit of drizzle this morning, but since then it’s been bright and sunny.

Tom just got up and said he might see what’s wrong with his car (now that he took care of the roof, we hope, God had to make sure his car would be the time sucker, but if worse comes to worst, we can always use his ma’s car, then God can use something else to hog our time). So, I said to Tom, “Well, here’s the chance to do what we say we want to do and help ourselves to have more sex. It’s at the start of your day, I’m available, so why not play before checking out the car?”

Then he reminded me that each hour you put off doing the car, the hotter it gets. True, but it’s coming up on the hottest part of the day, so what’s one more hour? There’s always an excuse from Tom and of course, fate just has to put obstacles in our way, too, but OK, I’ll wait till the weekend.

Later…

Well, I just got hit with enough door-slamming to make up for the lack of it over the weekend. I not only heard a few around noon-1:00 since I think Mike comes home for lunch but just now there were 7 door slams. Yes, 7 door slams! How many people could be getting out of the car? And how many times can you forget things? If you’re unloading a car, you usually open the door and keep it that way till you’ve got everything out, then you shut the door. Is this a sign? Is this the start of the noise I still wouldn’t be surprised if I got hit with?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1997 Today Sarah’s 7 and Kim’s 28. I left Kim a happy birthday message and called Tammy’s. Only Lisa and Bill were there the first time I called. Bill was out cutting trees and Tammy took Sarah and Becky to Hebrew school. The poor kid had to go to school on her birthday?

Anyway, Lisa and I talked and she sounded more uppity, although tired and bogged down with all kinds of homework and extra activities. She has close to an hour’s bus ride to and from school. The kids from Salem have to go to East Lyme. That’s the closest high school to her which sucks. She has to get up just before 5 AM and her bus comes at 6:20. Then school starts and 7:15. She must not even get home until close to 5 PM.

I called back later but accidentally hit Larry’s number. Sandy jokingly said, “Stop pushing my buttons!”

Then Larry got on and I mentioned that the pictures Ma sent of the plaque he had made up dedicating the business to Larry was really nice. Well, he wasn’t too thrilled about that. For reasons unknown to me, he said he wanted that kept private and was wondering how many others she passed those pictures out to. I offered to mail them back, but he said that was OK, I didn’t have to. Gosh, I feel bad cuz every time I call lately, I have bad or upsetting news that I don’t even know about.

Then I called the right number to get Tammy and wished Sarah a happy birthday. Then Bill got on and I asked him how the playing with himself was going since that’s what he said he was doing the last time we spoke. He laughed and said that Tammy was pissed off cuz the other kids stood Sarah up that was supposed to come over. They didn’t even call. That’s people for you - they love to stand others up.

Then Bill said in such a funny way that cracked me up, “By the way, use your own name for your fucking shit.” Meaning CDs and all that, but I assured him that I wouldn’t send anything there anymore although I know Tammy did and will continue to.

I also spoke to my folks, too.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1997 Tom just left to go see his ma and get her some bug spray and paper plates she needs. Then tomorrow, he’ll clean up some of her old roofing that blew off her barn while she’s at church.

He put more primer on our roof today and I guess he’ll put the final coating on tomorrow.

Now here’s what’s odd about him. I mean, it’s odd, but it’s not odd. He just got through saying yesterday how he wants more time with me and how he hopes to spend time with me today, but yet he never touched me and I’ve been up since 5:00. OK - so he’s not so gung-ho about having more sex and he’s certainly not gung-ho about cumming, and I’m personally not in the mood right now myself and feel that the sex is getting to be old news with him after all this time (it would’ve happened sooner if we had had sex regularly), but I still don’t see why the need to go and lie about it. Why not just tell your wife you don’t have much of an appetite and you don’t feel comfortable about cumming much, nor do you really want the responsibilities/consequences of a kid thrown on you? Why say something for years that you know you’re not gonna do? I guess he’s waiting till later in the afternoon to have sex, cuz then he’ll start tiring down by then since he’s been up since 3:00. That way he won’t cum with the combination of how long he’ll be up and with the fact that he says he doesn’t cum as much when he doesn’t screw as much. As if I could get pregnant at the end of my period, anyway, if I were OK - right! This is one of the safest times for a fertile woman, I don’t want a child all that much nowadays what with our ways/lifestyles and I don’t need to be laid so often, either, so I just wish he’d not only face reality and say what’s really on his mind and what he really wants but just relax more. He seems to be nervous in bed most of the time still. It’s unnecessary, though.

We went to the library yesterday and they finally had part 4 of John Saul’s 6-book Blackstone Chronicles, but this time, part 5 was missing. The librarian said the computer said they’re supposed to have 3 copies there, but obviously someone stole them, so she’s ordering a copy from another branch, so I can read the last two parts.

I also got a couple of supernatural suspense stories by some author I’ve never checked out before and so far, the one I just started seems good.

Then we went to Book Star and I got 3 journals. One of them is a “gay” journal which I was shocked to find. I guess maybe people have gotten less ignorant as I couldn’t imagine ever finding a journal like this when I first started writing. Anyway, it has quotes in it by gay celebs.

I was all psyched up to see that I could reply to Andy’s message the other day, but when I tried to for the second time, I got that message saying I couldn’t reply to a non-subscriber. This is a fucked-up phone company, alright.

Believe it or not, we may be getting the effects of Hurricane Linda. Yup, a hurricane to affect the desert. Never has this ever happened in Arizona or California and they say this is the biggest hurricane the East Pacific has ever seen. It’s a category 5 hurricane and it appears to be heading for the US, so by the early part of next week, we could get slammed with heavy winds, rain and flooding. I’m looking forward to it, though, and it sounds exciting. I just hope our roof is fixed by then if we do get anything here.

I had a very pleasant chat with Sandy this morning. We talked about how mom’s such an asshole most of the time. When she came to see Larry at work, according to her, she never asked to see her or Jen and that’s really low of her. I don’t think Sandy and Jen are so hurt over it, though. Sandy understands, though, that a lot of the way I was in the past was influenced by her and she knows from what Larry and I have told her how horrible it was to live with her. When I told her that I had told her off when I got older, she said, “Why can’t I get up the guts to do that?” We laughed, but I told her sometimes you just can’t help it and you really need to speak your mind, or else you’ll really blow up.

We laughed and joked about the weather and the pie incident and I told her more about the parts of my life from when Larry and I weren’t speaking. To explain to her why I believe there’s a reason for everything, I explained to her all the hell I had to go through in Deerfield and Norwich, which would ultimately lead me here. It was my only ticket out of there. She hates the winters there but doesn’t want to leave cuz she’s very close to her family and all her family is there.

We also talked about how we wish more people were open-minded towards things like gays and she asked me how gay bars were and said that if two people love each other - fine. Yeah, I’m not surprised, cuz I knew Sandy was the type to not be prejudiced. I think people have had more trouble with blacks than with gays. It’s just that a lot of people who happen to be troublemakers have black skin. Meanwhile, as we know, I’ve known some great black people. I wish next door was like Steve was. The difference between them is like night and day. I think so many of them are so aggressive cuz of how so many of them were slaves long ago, but that’s no excuse and no way to be accepted in society. When someone comes in here, like next door did, acting like they own the street and don’t give a shit about others, yeah, I have a problem with that, no matter what color they are.

Sandy also told me that she did want more kids but when she was 36, she had to have a hysterectomy cuz she had a tumor in her uterus. Her period wouldn’t stop and the doctor thought she was pregnant since some women get periods when they’re pregnant, but she said she just didn’t feel that way. It was a tumor the size of a tennis ball and she said what I’ve heard - that it’s common. Several others in her family have had this. It fucking figures, too, that someone who’s such a good parent has to undergo this, while millions of sick bitches go on to spit 6 of them out. What I wonder, though, seeing how common hysterectomies really are, is when is it gonna be my turn? Well, you know how it is; if it’s common, it isn’t me, but since I know damn well that I’ll never have a child, why not? I kind of wish it would happen to me, cuz I’d love not having to deal with periods like Sandy says she loves not having to, too, but maybe someday. I’m at a prime age for that and although it’d be scary and a bitch to have to go through yet more surgery, you’d think that God would think that a hysterectomy would be just perfect for me.

So far the weekend has been peaceful. Amazing, huh?

I rearranged Teddy Bear’s cage again and now it’s both tall and wide. I made dual rings. I have a Sam ring connected to a Play City ring. The hideaway, whose connector is partially broken, is now on one of the connectors on top of the newest cage. The rings are on the other connector. I have a long tunnel connecting the two Play City cages and another long one leading to the old purple plastic wheel where he’s now asleep.

Yes, I definitely need 1-2 more small critters. This is too much home for one little critter.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1997 Once again Teddy Bear’s in with the others using the wheel. But trying to keep Bunny from tipping it over is a whole different story.

The kittens are gone. After the weather cleared up, I decided it was best to see if the mother would return. She not only returned and drank some milk I left, but she also took and moved them.

Kim and Andy called with some nice news, which is fine, but am I ever gonna hear from Paula again? What? Did she just want a T-shirt from me? Well, I guess I’d hear from her sooner or later unless she’s beaten someone up again and has landed in jail. Anyway, hopefully, I’ll hear from her. As for Shelly, who knows if she’ll ever call or write? Maybe when she gets her feet on the ground, maybe not. It’s a bummer she never sent pictures, but hopefully, Paula will like she said she would.

Tom still says he doesn’t like not getting to be with me more often and that he wants more sex. I told him it’d be best if he’d just accept the fact that that’s not the way it works. He’s just too busy, he’s never gonna be in a position that’ll allow him to slow down, and we just weren’t meant for more time/sex together. Yeah, sometimes the opportunity’s there and he just doesn’t take it, but the rest of it is cuz this is the way God wants it to be for us and there’s nothing either of us can do to control or change that. He says he’s gonna win on that, but that’s what he’s been saying for years. Well, it’s a good thing that I’m not all gung-ho about going to a doctor as I might’ve been if I didn’t know that you can’t fight fate and all that and if the idea of a child was as appealing to me as it used to be. I don’t see any real reason why I wouldn’t snap my fingers and have us having a full-time sex life and a child if I could, but it’s not worth the bother of driving ourselves crazy over. Things are the way they’ve always been meant to be, and as I said, if I were gung-ho about a doctor, we’d never be able to go cuz my husband’s just too damn optimistic in such an unrealistic way. The reason we’d never be able to go to one is cuz he’d be too busy putting his energy into saying everything’s OK with me just like he has been and not doing something about trying to fix me. I’d be really devastated if I still wanted a child as bad as I did and if I thought a doctor could help cuz more than likely, the reason we’ll never go to a doctor is cuz we’ll never have full-time sex. According to Tom, you should only go to a doctor if you’ve had full-time sex for at least a year, and then haven’t conceived. Thank God that at least I know I’m sterile and that I know a doctor could never help, cuz then I can keep on living without feeling so miserable, angry, and like my husband’s cheating me out of anything. If I were OK, then I’d feel those feelings towards Tom for not having full-time sex with me, facing reality, and at God for not helping to make that possible. If I knew my sterility was fixable, then I’d feel those emotions at both of them, too, cuz I’d never get to a doctor with a God who doesn’t care to step in and help and with a husband running around saying I’m fine and that we will have more sex.

I was born sterile and one of God’s plans for me was to have an abnormal sex life. I am not gonna stress and frustrate myself any longer with trying to change this. It cannot be changed. I will always be sterile and my husband and I will always have sex in spurts. And he’ll never cum any more than he does and I don’t care what he says. It doesn’t bother me as much when he says we’ll have more sex and a child like it used to, cuz I realize that he has to be who he is and believe what he believes, whether it’s a totally crazy and unrealistic belief or not. What he believes won’t change things, either, so let him say his piece year after year as he does.

I got red and blue dog bone stickers from the Humane Society. I’ll use whatever my next journal is gonna be for those. Or I’ll stick them on envelopes.

Kim’s good news is that she and Walter are doing so well, that she may be moving in with him in Granby, MA sometime soon.

Andy’s good news is that instead of him flying home within the next few weeks, then driving the new car back, Michelle’s mother is gonna pay to fly her with him, then they’re gonna stop and see Xena on Broadway in New York that her mother will also pay for, then drive back here together. He said he also called Barbara Nicks and asked her to have Stevie fax her a tour guide, so they can see her somewhere along the way back here.

Andy’s bad news, yes, he had bad news, too, is that some other employee at work is charging him with sexual harassment. Now, I guess from Andy’s message, this doesn’t mean he’s taking him to court. This means that tomorrow at work, they’re gonna discuss it. He said at first he thought of quitting his job, but that others (he says everyone else is on his side) told him since he’s not guilty of anything, don’t run and make it look that way. Andy agreed and he’s not quitting. He says he didn’t sexually harass the guy and that the guy got mad at him for something stupid and that that’s why he’s doing this. That’s very possible, but I don’t know. He’s told me about others he’s made comments to in the past and I can see him cracking comments that a guy could take all wrong or get pissed off about, cuz straight guys are so damn paranoid. He told me there is someone there that he has the hots for, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combination of both.

Later…

Tom and I discussed moving to a rural town someday. He said in any big city or city that they expect to grow into a massive size, they’ll have houses 3 feet apart. He calculated us being here for 4 more years. That seems rather short for us, but if that were true, and if they did move from next door like I think they will, that’d mean 1-2 more neighbors to deal with over there. If it were at least 8 years that I feel we’ll be here, then you’re talking 3-4 more neighbors.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1997 Well, this period wasn’t as early or as fierce as the last two, luckily. Still having sex in spurts too, but I’m getting to the point where I’m comfortable with it, as I get more and more used to it. As for the kid - who cares that much anymore?

I’m no longer gonna keep a chart of my periods or when he cums. I know his cumming will be about 10 times a year, give or take a few, and I see no reason to chart my periods. It’s not important to me and most people usually only do that to see if there’s a problem. If something was wrong with my lungs or my heart or something vital like that that I need to be in good working order in order to live, that’d be different. Meanwhile, who gives a shit if a problem occurs with my plumbing? I don’t need that to work properly in order to live and half of it already doesn’t work, so what the hell?

I went cruising the web last night and visited some of Gloria’s galleries to see if there were any revisions. In doing so, I came across another image archive I’d either missed before, or that was recently added since it’s been a while since I last visited this site. Most of the pictures there were the same pictures from the individual galleries 1-7 that were there before, but I found some old ones that I used to love. Some of them were pictures I last had in CT.

I’m no longer into having pictures on the walls. I do have a few hanging around, but now I’m really into having pictures for my random wallpaper and screensavers. So I downloaded 28 new ones and I now have a group of about 40 pictures.

I spent a lot of time on the web during the night and morning hours yesterday and at one point I saw Dureen66 on my buddy list. So I sent an IM and got a reply saying, “I just came on to see if there were any messages.” Then I asked, “Is that you ma?” A response came back saying, “No, it’s Dad. Ma’s watching TV.”

Then I told him I was frustrated, trying to figure out how to download stuff since I did it before without any problem, told them I loved them, he said he loved me too, and that was that.

Then Tom left a message from his ma’s while I was online. I called him back and he told me to save the pictures and that that was the same as downloading. How stupid could I have been, not to realize that?! Then he came home a little while later and set things up for me.

In freeloader news, still nothing going on, but by this weekend I’m sure I’ll be logging the music problem that I’m still pretty sure will return to the old days. They didn’t have company that I know of last weekend, which is very unusual for them as long as he’s there, so this weekend is when I’m sure they’ll seek their revenge on me, whether or not it’s deliberate or cuz they just don’t care and aren’t thinking of what they’re doing. Well, there’s a courtroom waiting for us if they do, but hopefully they’ll want to do the same thing I want to do and not give me any reasons to feel provoked into doing anything like that.

Spunky now goes off when I go into the refrigerator and pull out the lettuce. He sometimes even goes off to let me know when he wants some lettuce as pigs do.

Later…

Tom just took the first step to hopefully, for once and for all, fixing the leak problem in the back room, but I don’t know. As a pessimist, I’ll believe it’s worked when and if I see it. He put some kind of primer on and soon he’ll put the sealer on.

I was amazed that next door’s dog didn’t bark at him. In fact, I haven’t really heard any dogs lately, but wait till it cools down. Just wait till then. Oh, God!

I kind of had to laugh when Tom said not to really get into worrying about them harassing me with noise since we’re not the only people here. Meaning, that they know others will hear it, too. It hasn’t stopped them in the past. Like when he’d blast in last year.

I take that back. Tom just said that the dog next door, which is now leashed to the tree they have in back, barked at him a little. “And that’s one ugly dog,” he added.

Yeah, it is.

Speaking of animals, there’s this gray/white cat that’s been hanging around here lately and today Tom discovered that she had kittens at the side of the house. I guess they’re about 3 weeks old and we couldn’t see how many there were, cuz we didn’t want to upset the mother and have her move them. I don’t know if we’ll keep any of them. We’ll see.

Later…

Is God trying to hold us back from even attempting to fix our roof problem, or what? We just got slammed with quite a storm and it rained kind of hard. I’m sure it washed away some of the primer, too.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1997 Alex has gotten all the Oswego Street and Woodside Terrace journals.

Andy, believe it or not, is going home to get a new car. No one will give him a car here, so he’s going to fly home using Marla and Evan’s special pass, then he’s gonna get a car there with the help of his parents. He’s gonna get the car at some dealership where his dad just bought a car. Guess Al knows the owner or something. Then he’s gonna drive it back here and his folks will help out with the money he’ll lose from not working for about a week. Andy’s lucky he can take the time off of work to do this, but this is ridiculous. I’m happy for Andy that he’s happy he gets to go home for a couple of days, but for someone to have to go all the way cross country to get a car is ludicrous. What if his parents were dead or dirt poor?

I just called Andy, who said he’s sitting outside talking to himself and doing interviews, so he’ll call me back. I want to find out what day he’s leaving and when he’ll be returning. I’m glad Laura will be there to tape his soaps for him. I hope she doesn’t fuck him over while he’s gone cuz I just got a bad vibe about that. However, there’s no sense in me telling him that, cuz it’ll only make him worry and he’s got to go home. So if she’s gonna fuck him over, she’s gonna fuck him over, and I don’t see any stopping that.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1997 All’s been quiet at night and even in the days too, that we both know of. No music, amazingly. I guess they really don’t want to go to court any more than I want the hassle of that.

Now that I know that kid’s living there; that must explain the boxes. I wonder why I have never seen him before. And I also wonder how much basketball he’ll play when it cools down. Enough, I’m sure. And if not, others will.

Tom still thinks the city took over that house and that they have subsidized rent. He said the only thing that doesn’t fit, if they were buyers, is the cars they drive compared to the house. The cars are nice, but the house is just an OK house in an OK middle-class neighborhood. Yeah, well, regardless of what does or doesn’t happen while they’re still here, I wish to hell, like never before that they would move. It doesn’t look like this is going to happen, though, but like I said, I’ll deal with any shit they or any other neighbor may dish out to me. Meanwhile, the stress and the anger have subsided, unless they give me a reason to change that. I’d take being depressed over never having a kid any day, over being stressed out about neighbor’s noise. Lately, I haven’t even cared that much one way or the other as far as sex or a kid goes, but I can’t complain about that, either. Last night before work, though, Tom was saying he misses me and hopes to see me when he gets home. Sounds good to me.

Tom made another really cool random screensaver program. There are a couple of problems with it still, but he’ll fix them.

Teddy bear’s now in with Bunny and Spunky and Spunky’s now calling for food. He’s now learned that he can call for food and that plastic rustling means food since the lettuce and carrots are wrapped in plastic. I took some pictures of the 3 of them, too. Spunky really likes T-Bear, since he’s smaller. T-Bear mostly prefers to use the wheel that Spunky won’t use and the little thief packs up some of their food in his pouches and steals it. Then he dumps it out later in his own home.

Right now, Bunny’s sitting on top of the burrow watching me. He’s turned into quite a lap dog, too, what with all the kisses he gives lately.

Later…

Andy’s quite miserable now and I don’t envy him, that’s for sure. Not only is he lonely as the poor guy has been for years and probably always will be, but he still hasn’t found a new car. All these car dealers claim that bankruptcy and bad credit won’t be a problem, yet they won’t give Andy a car and his credit’s fine.

He mainly discussed his favorite thing to discuss - problems with other people. Gossip, gossip, gossip. That’s Andy. But at least he goes to the source first these days. In the past, you’d find out he had a beef with you from someone else before he’d bring it to you and discuss it.

Other than that, he’s sick of the heat, but he agrees with me that it’s been a pleasantly beeless summer. Yes, it has, compared to every other summer I’ve been here.

Andy hears other noises where he lives and hardly ever hears dogs there, but he also agrees with me on the sick way people so cruelly leave their dogs outside 24/7. That’s why with these houses being so close, the idea of neighbor’s noise goes beyond the worry of people screaming, bouncing balls and music. It’s also that I know that if I live next to someone who has a dog that means they live just a few feet away from me every day of every year. He too, knows people who won’t let their dogs in their house. They don’t walk them, they don’t pay attention to them, and they don’t do anything for them. Just store them in their yard, feed them and scoop up their shit. I would think a gun or mace, if not your own fists, would be a better defense against a murderer. If someone broke into next door through the front windows where the dog can’t reach, well, unless they could shoot the person or beat them up, they’re dead anyway, so what’s the point?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1997 I’m zapping Alex copies of my oldest journals through AOL. I sent him journal 1, but it took two mailings to do it since you can’t send more than 3000 characters per email. I had asked him if he was curious and if he’d read them and he said yes. He said work’s boring, so he could read them there. That’s nice. This is the perfect person I’ve always liked to share my journals with. This way I can share my writing, but not just with anyone. The more I like someone, the more I’m hesitant to share my writing with them, cuz then I’ll be more self-conscious about it. But flaky Alex is different. People like Fran, Nervous, and Ellie, are the types I like reading my journals.

It looks like Ma’s gonna be moving into Mary’s real soon. I asked Tom why Dave couldn’t string up phone wires and he said Dave’s inexperienced. Also, Ray and Nora don’t help out with Ma cuz they’re not very together and Ray’s ill a lot. I was wondering why Tom’s got to do the bulk of the family helping, besides the fact that he’s so smart. Tom also told me that the reason why Ma won’t hire anyone to do her lawn is cuz of how she was raised to be frugal, just like dad was. The part I was afraid of, was of ma keeping the house and therefore, keeping the burden of keeping the house taken care of on Tom (not that he’d ever complain either way). Well, she is gonna keep it. Not cuz she thinks she could ever live in it again, but to make her feel that there is hope, even if there’s not.

I still have mixed emotions about how I dealt with her going off on me. Yes, I did promise Tom I wouldn’t lay a hand on any of them and yes, it’d just get me either arrested, shot, or beat up by several of them, but a part of me wishes I had taken the chance and that I popped her one. That’s what most people would’ve done.

I know the music will be back to how it was at first in just a matter of time, or else she wouldn’t have said she didn’t want to hear any complaints about it, but let them. I mean, I hope to hell they do stay quiet, but if not, Tom and I will deal with it. He said noise could be dealt with easily enough, so fine. So be it then.

I get both angry and feelings of understanding when I think of her and her antics. I’d have reacted the same way, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that I’ll never again be walked on by any neighbors or by anyone ever again. She was out of line and so was I, but if they think they can bully me, they’ve got the wrong idea. And what the hell was going through her head, as mad as she was, when she came to my door? How did she know I really didn’t have a gun and would shoot her? How did she know I wouldn’t beat the shit out of her?

Anyway, regardless of who was wrong or right, I’ve been bullied enough in my life and did nothing about it and those days are long gone. I may change the way I handle and deal with things from here on out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll sit back and let someone fuck with me, either.

All’s back to normal around here so far. I got up just before 10 PM and haven’t heard a bark from next door at all. So, they either finally gave a damn about their dog and their neighbors, or the dog just shut up on its own. Tom left at 7:30 and he’d have reported in a message to me if there had been any music, and nothing woke me up, so I guess they’ve been giving me what I want, just like I have, too.

I talked to Tom about the mixed emotions I had about how I handled her coming to the door. I know I did the right thing by not decking her, but maybe I should’ve anyway, whether or not I was taking a chance of getting shot or arrested for it. I said that most people would’ve decked her for it anyway, but he said that’s not true. He said most people wouldn’t have decked her or me if it had been me, cuz I have gone to people’s doors telling them off and they haven’t decked me. True. And most people wouldn’t threaten to shoot someone’s dog, too, he said. He said if it were him that she came to yell at, he’d have laughed and shut the door. Not slam it, but just shut it. I thought about whether or not I should’ve done that, too, so she couldn’t have pissed me off by getting the chance to tell me to shut up (and Tom says it’s OK for me to be angry), but who knows if that would’ve furthered her anger, too. Meaning, if she didn’t get the chance to blow off her steam at me, would the dog still be barking? Would the music be loud again? Well, if it is, we’ll take care of it the legal way. If that doesn’t work, I know it’s gonna be awfully hard for me to restrain myself from taking care of it the non-legal way.

Tom explained something to me that I’m surprised I didn’t think of on my own, since I know how hard it can be to break habits. Tom explained to me that it was never that he didn’t care to do something I’d ask of him like to turn the water off so it wouldn’t drip in the bathroom. It was just that new habits take time to get into. Yeah, he has a point and this makes sense, cuz it took me time to break the routine of just flushing the toilet and then walking away. I had to get in the habit of remembering to pull the handle back down when it was jamming up like it had been for a while. So, what he was trying to tell me was that if I had asked him just once to turn the music down, I should’ve given him the chance to get into the habit of doing it. Not that he would’ve necessarily, cuz these people still obviously don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Anyway, they don’t want to know I exist and I don’t want to know they exist, so hopefully we’ll each get what we want and be happy. I’m a little worried about how much of a nuisance their dog will be in the daytime in the winter when it’s cooler and sounds travel better, and when this thing has gotten even huger and has an even bigger bark, but we’ll just have to see.

Meanwhile, I’m sick of these people. I’ve written enough about them. I’ve talked enough about them and I hope to return to the days of at least not having more than a few paragraphs here and there to say about them, now that it’s gotten rather obvious that he’s not gonna move out again and if he does, the dog isn’t going anywhere, and the dog and at least this bitch herself, will be there while we’re still here. Tom’s right when he said this may very well be it and our last neighbors while we’re here since people don’t go moving in and out of houses like they do with apartments.

I had left my folks a message saying I was surprised they hadn’t called or asked any questions yet. They said they’d rather learn by trial and error. Yes, trial and error can be the best way to learn anything. We also told each other in our messages that we’ll pick a time to chat when we can. It varies with them, too, from day to day as to when they’ll be available to chat.

We got their package the other day. They sent 3 really nice big flags of fish, Bugs Bunny and an American flag with streamers. This one’s cool and I’ve got that up now. For little flags, they sent a cake, Snoopy, flowers, a pumpkin, a cow and one or two others.

We also got some pictures from when she saw Tammy and Larry. There were no pictures of Sandy or Jen, but there were pictures of Tammy giving her dog a bath and of the girls and they’re really growing up fast. Lisa looks older than me in this last particular picture she sent. Sarah really is a cute kid, but Becky looks rather homely. She already has that “motherly” look, if you know what I mean. I think she’s gonna be heavy with a plain face, but she’s only 10, so we’ll see.

Got new address labels from the Humane Society. Of cats and dogs.

For the first time in my life, I like Tetris, which is a very popular computer game. I’m pretty good at it too, but I’m too lazy to go into descriptions of how the game is played.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1997 At 9:30, as I forgot to say earlier, I heard a car stereo, but couldn’t tell if it was next door. My guess, though, is that it wasn’t, and also, I just heard them come in. I heard no music, but just a couple of car doors.

Also, it looks like the dog’s gone back to being quiet at night. I haven’t heard it again after that time I heard it at 10:00. I don’t know if this is just because, or if it’s cuz of something they did, but I hope it stays this way and I also hope there’s no change in the music like I said before.

Tom suggested I use headphones and not give them a reason to act up more, even if I’ve tested the volume from outside. My initial feeling on that was, why should I? Why should I care when they don’t? However, two wrongs don’t make a right and I can’t ask someone to be quiet if I’m not, so I will use the headphones. I want peace from them, they want peace from me. I will give them that peace and hope they do, too, but I do feel much better after having talked to Tom and after having him reassure me that there’s something he could do about them if need ever be.

Later…

It looks like T-Bear’s finally decided to sleep in his hideaway. That’s what he’s been doing lately. I also saw him explore a little in tubes that don’t lead to his sleeping area.

Spunky’s still very timid. I’ve never had a pig like this and at this point, I’m wondering if he’ll ever settle down, not run from us when we approach the cage, and do more than just a few soft squeaks when I pat him. He was almost always in his burrow, so we take it out periodically to get him used to being uncovered so he can see that there’s nothing to be afraid of. So far, this seems to help somewhat. I just put the burrow back in and he didn’t run into it when I walked up to pat the both of them. He and Bunny really get along well and they like to play with and clean each other. Hopefully, like Tom said, he’ll see that Bunny’s not afraid of us and that’ll make him feel better. He feels comfortable with Bunny there and he sometimes runs and hides behind him when we walk up to the cage.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1997 I have pages and pages worth to update on next door. Hopefully, after I report the latest news, I can go back to the days of there not being much of anything to write about concerning them, but we’ll see. That sounds like just a dream to me.

I was just too stressed out and pissed off to write yesterday and I even forgot about the chat I was supposed to have with my folks, thanks to these fucking assholes.

Right after I last wrote, I got dressed and was heading for their door after hours of listening to this dog, which was worse than any other dog seeing that it was in their carport 3’ away. I could hear it over the fans (not the bedroom one). As I was going over there, though, a teenage boy was walking up the driveway. I guess there are more people living there than I thought. So I asked him if he lived there, he said yes, and I told him to go tell them to shut this dog up or I’d shoot it.

I went inside and heard him say, “Hey Michael,” then I heard them talking for a few minutes, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. When I saw the kid, this was when I noticed that the dog was tied to the car in the carport! That is so weird and as Tom said, an unusual place to put a dog. That’s gross; having to scoop its shit off of concrete and having it piss all over it. I don’t know if the dog was there all night, or if they moved it there after they first heard me yell at them at 2 AM to spite me further by moving it closer to our windows.

So, they talked for a few minutes, I heard scraping sounds, that was the end of the dog for a good 12 hours or so, then she came to the door and totally screamed at me and cussed me out, telling me to shut up, and not let me get in a word edgewise. Her coming to my door, ranting and raving and telling me to shut up, pissed me off more than it did when she called me a fucking ho. I guess a ho is a black’s way of saying “whore.”

Anyway, I contemplated popping her one (as anyone else would’ve done to me, no doubt, had it been me to go to their door), but here are the reasons why I didn’t. First of all, I could kill this sack of skin and bones, and if I did that, someone else in that household could’ve shot me or sent all their friends after me, and it’d sink any case I may have should I ever launch a complaint against them or take them to court. And most importantly, she didn’t threaten me or make a move on me, or else I would have killed her with no regrets.

These are the things I remember her saying, although this lady had quite the lisp I didn’t know she had and was going a mile a minute. “If you think you can punk somebody around you got the wrong idea. I don’t want to know that you exist. I don’t want no complaints about no music. Who are you to tell my niece and nephew they can’t play outside? I don’t want no little notes, I’m sick of your shit, if anything happens to my dog I’ll take you in on a peace bond and have you served (in other words, she wasn’t about to do anything about shutting up her dog. I do her a favor of accepting a delivery for her, but she can’t even do the simple favor of moving her dog away from our house if she can’t take the fucking thing inside), shut up, shut up, shut up, fuck you ho!” She also said something about me and this neighborhood, too, but like I know this neighborhood oh so well and as if they know me so well, too.

I didn’t tell her this, but if there’s ever anything I ever did wrong to these people, that was to threaten to shoot the dog. That was wrong and uncalled for and although she wouldn’t let me get more than a few words in, I told her, “It’s just that first it was the music and now this 3 feet away from the bedroom window. I don’t want to know you exist either, and I’m also sick of your shit, and I never told your niece or nephew they couldn’t play outside.” I think she may have been referring to those 4 white boys who I told to back off, not just cuz they annoyed me, but cuz I also thought I was doing the right thing as a neighbor by asking these little trespassers to back off. I didn’t know what else they’d do and if you ask me, I’d hope that a neighbor would have the decency to shoo away any strange beings lurking on my property, too. Meanwhile, I wouldn’t and never did tell their kids they couldn’t play outside cuz annoying or not, that wouldn’t be my right at all.

All I ever asked of these people was to keep the music and dog at a reasonable volume and I’m sorry, but I don’t think that that was too much to ask for or an unfair request at all. I also don’t see why it had to be such a big deal to them. What’s so hard about not blasting your neighbor out when you’re coming and going? And what’s so hard about taking your dog in to live with you or at least moving it further than 3 feet from someone’s window? From the day they came in here, these self-absorbed people had this I-don’t-care and I’m-gonna-do-what-I-want-only attitude and I’m fed up here. I’ve reached my limits with them! There’s just no compromising with these people. They have to do it all their way. They may as well act like I asked them to shoot their parents, instead of asking them to turn their music and dog down. And also, after hearing this bitch’s mouth, I’d say that yeah, she’s the one I heard from the get-go. I had just forgotten what she looked like. And I’m sure her gratitude about me taking in her flowers was purely phony. So it has been her living there all along for sure, Mike’s back for sure, and there are 1-2 teenagers living there, besides the little kid.

To my utter amazement, they haven’t started up again with their music, but they might in time. Tom said that if we handle it right, noise can be dealt with. He said he could call in a complaint about the dog and that they could get fined and all that.

I told Tom yesterday that I wanted to go to court and try to get a conjunction on them that they keep the music and dog down, although the music’s been fine for many months now. However, he may be right when he told me I’d lose, although we disagree on the reasons why. I think I may lose cuz they have kids, they work and I don’t, and the judge may be afraid to side with me cuz they’re black and he may fear being labeled a racist. Tom said that cuz I asked them more than once to lower the music and sent them a few notes about it in the beginning that I’d lose. And cuz I threatened to shoot the dog, not that they could prove that.

Tom said he couldn’t tell me what to do, but cuz he’s had more experience and knows more about how people interact in houses, that he wouldn’t stop me from trying to get a conjunction and that he would stand by me, but that it’d be best to trust it to him to deal with. I do trust him, but I am worried that he won’t take action for me when I feel it’s time. Meaning, he said to go about my usual routine and log the barking, but that he’d call when he felt it was best, if that was necessary. Well, what worries me is what if I felt it was high time something was done and he didn’t? Well, hopefully we can both agree on what to do as far as dealing with it goes, but like he said, I have a right to do what I feel is best, too.

Now that she’s come over here and blown off her steam and vented her frustrations at me, I’m hoping that the dog will adjust to its surroundings and settle down and that they won’t start up with the music. If they do, though, I will take action with or without Tom’s help and I really hope it’ll be with his help and that we can agree on what would be best to do about it.

Even though Tom says I’m paranoid, which is true, and that they’re not deliberately out to get me cuz they have their own lives to live, I feel cornered here and I do feel that they’re taking advantage of me and that they’re controlling my life while they can do whatever the fuck they want. I’m sick of doing things to ward off other people’s noise. I don’t want to live this way anymore. She gets to sleep and breathe easy and she doesn’t need to put up sound blocks or do other things to block out noise. Meanwhile, I gotta do all that and I’m the one that has to wake up with stress 5 times like I did after our little screaming match and have diarrhea 4 times.

I have mixed emotions about how I handled it when she came to my door. If I hadn’t threatened their dog and if they’d had any respect for their neighbors in the first place, we wouldn’t have ever spoken to each other, except for when I gave her the flowers, but a part of me wishes that I screamed louder than her and didn’t let her get a word in edgewise. I told Tom that I hope she didn’t walk away with the wrong idea and think that she could fuck with me, but he said that she’s not out to win or to compete with me. He said he thinks that the music will escalate in time, not deliberately and not to spite me, but just cuz they won’t care, not that I think they ever did give a shit. But he said that the music’s got to have been softer lately for a reason and that if someone forgets and goes over there blasting in and says to them, “Sorry. I forgot,” that they’d tell them not to worry about it.

Has anyone ever told these assholes, “Maybe blasting your music and tying barking dogs just outside their windows isn’t worth what you have to get in return for it? Since you don’t like to hear her bitch, maybe you should consider being quiet, normal, considerate neighbors for a change. If that’ll get her off your ass and shut her up, don’t you think shutting up yourselves might be worth it?”

Well, what happens from here on out is up to them. Meanwhile, I’m gonna take Tom’s advice like I should have a year ago (I should’ve asked only once for them to turn the music down, then launched a complaint about it) and I’m not gonna say one word to them and trust that Tom will help me and stand by me like he told me he would, and trust that noise really can be dealt with, should they act up with their dog or music or with anything. I worry that Tom might stall or put off calling anyone if they did something that really was uncalled for and that really did stress me out continuously, but deep down, I’m sure I can trust Tom to know what’s best to do and that he will help me and not let them do something continuously like that if they do. One little bark here and there is fine, and I’ve decided not to track the daytime barking unless it gets excessive. I’ve lived with the two dogs barking all day, so what’s one more? We’ll just have to wait and see how bad it is in the winter. It may be fine, or it may be bad and very stressful if it barks a lot in the winter, since the dog’s closer and since sounds travel better in the cooler weather. We’ll just have to see and not map a sure plan, as Tom said.

Regardless of the fact that these people are sickos, I wish I learned my lesson a long time ago, cuz then I’d have only asked them once to lower the music, then I would’ve complained to the proper people and not have had to go through all this stress. Tom said that they didn’t put this stress on me or make me do things differently than I normally would on purpose. He has a point, but I only partially agree. Whether or not none, some, or a lot of their shit’s been intentional, it’s still due to them that’s caused me to be stressed out, etc. To a degree, I can understand this bitch’s rage and her going off on me. If I had a nephew tell me that the neighbor threatened to shoot my pet, I’d be over there letting them have it, too.

I asked Tom why people don’t care about how their dogs bark a lot and their neighbors around them and he said people would rather annoy their neighbors than be murdered with all the sick fucks in this world since the dog barks to warn them when people go by.

Shortly after 10:00, I heard it barking for 20 minutes and it sounds like maybe they moved it out of the carport, but last night hopefully proves Tom’s point about it just needing time to adjust to its new surroundings and hopefully, it’ll return to being quiet during the nighttime. Last night it only barked 50 times and not 100.

Last night and the night before last, I was very glad we didn’t have any guests or a child sleeping in that room. I almost dread having a kid in this house if I could, cuz as Tom said, they may be there till we move. However, I’m not letting them or anybody else stop me from going after my dream. The only two people that could stop me would be God or Tom. I just want others to live their lives without bothering me, I want to live my life and I want to be able to live here in peace till we move. I don’t want any more trouble, but if I have to put my foot down and fight back, so to speak, I will. Meaning that I’ll tell Tom what’s going on instead of trying to deal with it myself and trust that he can and will take care of it. There are some things he goes to me for, like if he needs a picture drawn, and then there are some things I need to go to him for. I can’t make Tom do anything he doesn’t want to do and he can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, but I just hope that all works out and we can solve any problems we may ever have with anyone together. I will learn from my mistakes. That’s all I can do as my threatening their dog and her calling me names is water under the bridge. If it made her feel better by going off on me and has made her feel that that’s enough and that there’s no need to do anything more to harass me - more power to her. However, if she ever came to my door again screaming at me to shut up, I will break the law and I will lay her ass and I don’t care how small, skinny or weak she is. She did mention this peace bond thing, so hopefully they won’t do anything to sink their case, not that I’d give them a reason to take me to court and like I said, I hope that it doesn’t come down to my taking them to court, cuz I don’t want the hassle any more than they do. I’ll give them what they want, which is no communication whatsoever, and hopefully they’ll give me the peace I want.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1997 Oh, I’m soooo pissed! I’ve had it with next door. I mean, I have totally reached my limits with them and their shit! I am not, and I repeat not, gonna take it anymore!

To start at the beginning: I don’t know if it was next door, even though I wish to hell I did know, but somebody went blasting by at 8:30 last night at a volume that was totally unacceptable. I didn’t hear a car door after the music died off, which isn’t totally abnormal, believe it or not, and there were no lights on, but having no lights on doesn’t mean shit, either.

Then just a little while ago, their fucking dog, which can be worse than the other two, wouldn’t shut the fuck up and it echoed through every single goddamn room like you wouldn’t believe. You can hear it really well anytime, but the reason it was horrendous just now was cuz it’s 2:00 in the goddamn morning, first of all. Also, we have single-paned windows, a block wall a few feet away from the house (where the dog is) that funnels sound really well, and pipes connected inside the wall heater vents that go to the outside. If you stick your ear to these vents, you can hear soft sounds from further away that you wouldn’t normally hear if you were away from the vents and if these sounds were louder and closer.

The point is this - if I hear any more music or barking that’s either too much or too loud or at ridiculous hours (and I don’t care that I’m up at night half the time), I’m gonna be over there so fucking fast that they won’t even know what hit them. I mean it! I’m literally ready to kick ass here and I know they had to have heard me screaming at them like I just did out back by where they sleep, (which is in back on the side next to who’s next to them) and I know this will bring back the music and I know I’ll then be kicking their asses. I’ve had it with them and their noise and I’m in for no more bargains or deals with either them or God. I don’t owe them shit! I don’t owe God shit, either, and they better shut up from now on, or else I’ll make these fucking freeloaders wish they were never born. No way will I be screaming out back next time. Next time I’ll be at their door. I’m just so fucking pissed, that my mind’s gone blank. All I can think about is smashing them and their dog right now.

Tammy’s not gonna be sending the CD which is fine with me, cuz I don’t really care for any of the songs on it, but I’ll explain all that later.

I went online, after trying to get in for 20 minutes, and in my parents’ message, they said they’d go online to chat with me at 11:15 their time. Now, I thought that meant tonight, but after thinking about it, I realized they could’ve been talking about last night. Oh well. We’ll chat soon enough. Also, they’ve sent a package to us and it’ll be here probably Saturday or Monday.

I still can’t remember everything I wanted to write about. I am so fucking sick of them and all the fucking neighbors that have totally disrupted my life and whatever I’ve been doing and this is it! If I hear anything ever again that doesn’t roll over well enough with me, it will be the last time. I wish they’d come to my door right now.

This has been the timidest GP I’ve ever had. Tom thinks that maybe he was taken away from his mother too soon. He’s just slowly starting to loosen up, though, and he’s starting to softly chat when I pat him. When he’s out of the cage with me, he’s perfectly calm, but when I walk up to him when he’s in the cage and not in his burrow, he runs into his burrow. However, the last time I walked by while he was out nibbling on pellets, he didn’t run and hide.

I’m just so pissed off at God too, and his “life has to be unfair” rule. I didn’t do anything to these assholes. I don’t bother them with my noise or with noise from my pets or music. Is the dog noise that God’s stuck on me cuz of how I’d mistreated animals in the past (if what I did could be considered mistreatment since the story I was told happened when I was really little)? Is the music God’s stuck on me cuz of neighbors I’d bother with mine, like Grace D on Woodside Terrace and Hank P on Oswego Street? But what did I do for the sterility? Who’d I sterilized to deserve that?

I hear the scumbags rustling around in the carport right now. Why don’t they just take the fucking dog in the house? Why doesn’t anyone take their dogs inside their fucking houses?

Well, this mutt seemed to arrive at the same time that asshole moved back in (meaning maybe it’s his), so hopefully he and his dog will just get the fuck out and I won’t have to waste my time setting him permanently straight when I could be doing other things. They say once broken up, always broken up. In other words, the stats on “trying again,” aren’t very good. That’d be just too good to be true, though; him, his car doors, his company, his dog, and his music moving out for several months again. I wish, though! Like I said, it’ll be over soon. Finally! I should have put my foot down last year, but now that they know the dog’s given them the reaction they wanted, they’ll go back to the music, I’ll take care of them, and then it’ll be over and done with for good.

The only thing that makes no sense is - why did she seem so nice to me when she came and got the flowers? Maybe it’s not her, but it’s him. Hey, why not? Males have always been the bulk of most women’s problems, but she doesn’t have a car, so she’s never blasted me out and she doesn’t slam car doors and maybe this really isn’t her dog. The door slamming didn’t start till they got the dog and he came back, too, all at the same time and I’m all the more convinced that this isn’t the same woman from when they first got here. The woman at first seemed very hateful and like she just didn’t give a damn at all. I could’ve sworn I once even heard her say “I don’t care,” when I gave them their first “please shut up” note, then came right in and went to the window by where they were standing. On the other hand, Tom says this bone-thin woman has always lived there. Tom denies it, but I say he worships neighbors, so who knows for sure what he’s seen? He’s changed his stories before on what he’s seen. He tried to tell me he didn’t know who it was cuz he didn’t pay attention when he saw him and the kid the other day. He was in a position to see them clearly as they got out of their car, but I was still in the car, waiting for him to open the garage door, with my view blocked by a tree. If he doesn’t know and doesn’t pay attention, then why has he been able to recognize him in the past? And how could he know this thin woman has always lived there?

So, why would the motherfucker go into his car at this hour, if not to spite me? To get a gun out of his glove box in fear of me and what I may do? Or to shove the dog into the car? Or to get something to put the dog in?

Later…

I did a totally different setup of Teddy Bear’s cage. Tom said it’s the best I’ve ever done. In the living room, there are 3 plastic stackable shelves. I took one and placed it at the back of my worktable, which would be right next to the aquarium. The self’s as high as the bass of the newest cage (the one with the floor tube). Then I set up Mary’s little cage on the shelf and ran 3 straight tubes to the newest cage. So, instead of building upwards, I’ve expanded out. It’s about 4’ wide now, instead of 4’ feet tall or higher.

I wish Teddy Bear was more of an explorer who used all parts of his cage. Once he picks the tube area he wants to sleep in, he never uses any other tubes unless he has to pass through them to get to where he sleeps. Once again, it’d be nice to have 1-2 more gerbils or even hamsters.

I can’t wait to see what I’m in for as far as the music goes tomorrow. With my luck, they’ll blast in when Tom’s here and awake so I can’t do anything about it yet. I promised Tom I wouldn’t deck them or really let them have it in any serious way. It’d be so frustrating if they did that while he was here and up! The more I don’t do anything about them, the more they’re gonna think they can get away with shit till I fight back and take action. Tom said that if I heard the music once, went over there and did something, it wouldn’t be only once.

Wrong!

My tits, which had amazingly begun to improve a couple of weeks ago, are now killing me. It’s gonna be another early and fierce period.

I’ve decided that if Tom’s gonna insist I’m perfectly fertile, and that he’s gonna keep holding back, keep trying to instill patience in me, and that God doesn’t hate me, and that it’s OK for a woman to choose when she’ll have a child, then I’m gonna join in this little game with him. I’m not gonna not really want a kid that bad or be as scared as he is, though. I’m scared, but I wouldn’t have been afraid to go ahead and get pregnant anyway if he and God had allowed it.

Tom’s not gonna tell me what I want to hear, therefore, it’s time I told him what he wants to hear. The only difference is, is that I know I’m right about being sterile. He on the other hand, also knows we won’t have a child, not cuz of sterility, but cuz he won’t allow that to happen. He thinks I’m OK, though.

I left him a message saying that since he thinks it’s OK for a woman to choose when to have a child, and since he thinks I’m OK and stand just as good of a chance as any other woman, and God doesn’t hate me, I’ve decided to choose to wait till I’m 33-35 to have a child. Good things are supposed to come to those who wait, I also told him. Right?

Anyway, I’m just not gonna let his denial of my sterility and his fear of finding out if I really know what I’m saying, then having to deal with whatever does happen, get to me anymore. Nor am I gonna let his forcing me to wait on him get to me, either. So, year after year, I’ll just say I just want to wait a little longer. I don’t want to do this just for self-help, but for another reason, too. There’s nothing I can do to deny the fact that this is mainly God’s doing. He is the one who not only made sure I was sterile but who also has hexed just about every sexual experience I’ve had with anybody and who’s using Tom to ensure the reality of the sterility and to continue the hexing of the sex. However, my husband also has a part, even if it’s a much smaller part, in controlling my life and my body and my right to choose to have a child and I don’t want to be bitter or resentful of him about this when I’m 60. If I tell myself every few years that I’m just not ready yet and that it’ll do me good to wait and make me appreciate the kid even more, I just may end up believing this.

From the autobiography journal:

One of my mom’s traits I admired was:

That she was her own woman. My mother refused to let her husband control her or tell her what to do. She stood her own ground, and when she had something to say - she’d say it.

If I had any trouble with my mom growing up, it was in this area:

My mother was impatient, negative, and very hurtful a lot. She would often be very controlling and not allow me to be myself. She could be very hard to talk to and was not very supportive and encouraging.

One of Dad’s traits I admired was:

His sense of humor and his more passive and more tolerant ways.

If, growing up, I had any trouble with dad, it was in this area:

He would sit back as if oblivious to my mother’s mental abuse, and not step in to help.

I remember getting into trouble with my parents on this occasion:

Where do I begin! It was usually over not doing well in school, telling lies by saying I knew famous people, and due to wanting to be a famous singer myself. At this time, I really couldn’t sing very well at all. My vocal abilities stopped at the pitch. I had no strength, vibrato or timing. And my breathing and vowels were all wrong back then.

This is how we usually ate dinner as a family:

At the kitchen table. And I had to eat every bite, too!

A habit I picked up during my early years was:

Sitting on the floor rocking to music.

My parents felt strongly about passing on these lessons:

Neatness, thinking/planning before acting, and saving money.

This person in my family was more serious than the rest:

That’s a toss-up between my mother and my sister.

This person in my family was funnier than the rest:

My brother.

This present I got from my parents really sticks in my memory:

The guitar lessons that were my Chanukah present right around my 13th or 14th birthday.

What I remember about my first trips to the hospital:

In Boston, MA I had plastic surgery on the ear I was born without. I’d wake up from each of the 15 operations I had and puke. I was also very sick with pneumonia and was hospitalized in New London, CT.

One of my most memorable toys was:

My little Victrola that I’d play records on.

This is how my family celebrated Christmas or Chanukah:

Usually next door at my maternal grandparents’ house.

This is what we usually did at Thanksgiving:

Ate turkey, and had family and friends over if we didn’t go to another family member’s house.

I want you to know this about my grandmothers:

That my mom’s mom was a lot like my mom. My dad’s mom was much easier to talk to and get along with.

I want you to know this about my grandfathers:

I never knew my dad’s dad, but mom’s dad was a lot like my dad.

If I remember anything about great-grandparents it is this:

I never knew them or heard anything about them.

The country or countries my ancestors came from were:

I’m not sure. NOTE: Learned in 2010 or so that my grandfathers came from Russia and Austria.

My hairstyles and natural color growing up were:

Long and brown. I wore it down, with my sides pulled back, or in braids and ponytails. I had no bangs and it was all one length and parted in the middle. Back then I liked colored ribbons and hair bubbles.

My family’s first radio/TV set was in the year…One of my favorite radio/TV shows was:

I’m sure my family got their first radio and TV as soon as they were available. I liked WHYN AM when I was really young, as far as the radio goes. For shows, I liked: The Bionic Woman, Charlie’s Angels, and Little House on the Prairie.

In the afternoons after school I used to:

Go into the woods behind our house or out in the snow sledding, if it was winter. Or I would do homework, get together with friends, or go to the Jewish Community Center.

Games I liked to play as a child and youth were:

Pretend games, Barbie dolls, cards, guessing games, and spying.

What I liked about my siblings was:

Not very much. My brother was fun to be around, but my sister was a jealous bitch, who’d cut me down.

People described me as a child in this way:

A little monster. I was a very rebellious and hyper child, with a wild imagination and plenty of tall tales to tell.

We had these pets:

Poodles, birds, guinea pigs, gerbils, fish and land crabs.

This person significantly influenced my life growing up:

Until I went out on my own, I didn’t really have anyone influence me positively. Most of my influence growing up came from my mother. The bulk of it was not positive.

My best friend during childhood was:

Jenny C.

I admired this friend because of the following talents:

She was daring, courageous, and outspoken.

I was generally popular or unpopular because:

The things that made me popular, were usually my sense of humor and my wild laugh. The things that made me unpopular were that I was a bully and a liar.

I helped a friend greatly on this occasion:

I would listen to Jenny talk about her alcoholic mother and spend time with her.

This was a particularly dangerous thing I did with a friend:

I didn’t do anything I’d call dangerous, but Jenny and I smoked pot and would drink wine. The wine made me ill to my stomach and the pot made me dizzy and disoriented.

I remember well this birthday party I had with my friends:

No particular birthday party stands out in my mind, but as a child, I’d have 15-20 kids from school over for cake, ice cream, and games.

I wanted this person to be my friend but the feeling was not mutual:

I’d have to say that was Cindy F. I don’t know why I wanted her friendship so bad in 1st grade, but she never wanted mine.

I had a childhood crush on this person:

Kate Jackson and Linda Ronstadt.

A memorable adolescent sweetheart was:

No one that I can think of.

What my friends and I liked best to do together:

Go roller-skating, to the movies, and be little pranksters.

If my parents had only known! I did this forbidden thing with my friends:

With Jenny and Jessie, I smoked pot, and stole candy and cigarettes.

I really enjoyed this grade in elementary school:

I never really liked school, so I have no grade that I really enjoyed.

One of my most memorable teachers in elementary school was:

Rose M, Linda M and Joan B.

I had a lot of fun with this subject in elementary school:

Art, music and gym.

I had some trouble with this subject in junior high or high school:

Math, English and social studies.

I really enjoyed this junior high or high school grade:

I didn’t enjoy any grade, but I’d have to say that grades 8 and 9 were the best of the “real schools.”

One of my most memorable teachers in junior high or high school was:

Mrs. B and Mike M.

I liked this subject a lot in junior high or high school:

Music, art, gym, typing, and science.

When I was very young, I thought I would be this when I grew up:

A singer, and possibly an actress, too.

If I didn’t graduate from high school it was because:

I graduated in ‘84.

This is why I did or did not go to college:

I took some sign language courses but never had any desire to go to college long-term.

If I attended college, one of my strongest memories was:

I was the only one who knew sign language and not just a few words, so I became the teacher’s assistant during classes.

This is one of the most important things about life I learned in school:

That the world isn’t as kind and as easy to deal with, as we’d like to think.

This is how I got to school each morning in my early years:

Mostly by bike or walking.

One of my earliest memories about school was:

That I didn’t really like it.

These were my favorite sports in school:

Gymnastics.

One of my favorite kinds of homework was:

Anything quick and easy.

My elementary and high schools could be described as: (small/large, public/private, academic/vocational…)

I guess all of the above, except for large. I also took a course in manicuring.

My teachers generally described me as this kind of student:

One who didn’t give a damn. And who’d rather sit and daydream than pay attention.

My religious training growing up was:

None really. I believe my parents are now much more open-minded, but as a child, they believed I should have a Jewish husband, whereas I believe in love and not labels. It’s who the person is and not what they are. I also believe kids can learn more by learning about 2 religions if both parents aren’t of the same religion.

My favorite mentor-role model in college or trade school was:

This doesn’t apply to me since I only took a few 10-week courses.

What I enjoyed doing most after school was:

Listening to music and fantasizing.

I remember these chores growing up:

Cleaning my room and keeping it neat and organized.

My first job for pay was:

As a housekeeper in a hotel.

I enjoyed this particular work assignment:

The mindlessness of some cleaning tasks.

I took care of this person or persons growing up:

I didn’t take care of anyone in particular, but my dad’s mom had a stroke and came to live with us. We all helped her in any way we could.

I remember this about my mother’s work and responsibilities:

Retail

I remember this about my father’s work and responsibilities:

Exterminating

I hated this particular work assignment:

Cleaning my room and my guinea pig’s cages.

This is the profession that I often mentioned when people asked me what I was going to be when I grew up:

A singer.

I disliked this responsibility/work growing up but it has proved to be very helpful to me as an adult:

Cleaning and organizing.

This is what war meant to me growing up:

It was a scary thought to know how much hate we have in the world and how intolerant people could be of those who are different. It also made me sad and angry.

I liked this kind of music and these musicians growing up:

My favorite singer - Linda Ronstadt. Favorite music - disco.

The clothes fashions of my childhood were:

Geeky!

Some favorite actresses/actors:

Kate Jackson, Jaclyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Lindsay Wagner, Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon.

I remember when these technological advances were made:

Microwaves, VCRs, and CDs.

My parents felt this way about politics:

Don’t know.

“My world” consisted of these geographical areas:

Massachusetts, Connecticut, and a few trips to New York and Texas. I’ve been through all the New England states, lots of the southern ones. I did not enjoy my stay in Vermont and Maine.

For a while, I thought I would marry this person, but didn’t:

I never thought I’d marry anyone till I married my husband Tom.

My first serious romance was with:

My husband Tom. I can’t call my previous so-called romances anything other than settlements or jokes.

I regrettably lost touch with this family member after we grew up:

I can’t say I regret this, cuz it just happened - but I didn’t speak to my brother from 1986-1993.

I kept this secret from almost everyone:

I can’t say I have any secrets I’ve kept from most everyone cuz there’s nothing really downright “secretive” about my life, so to speak, but my husband knows me best of all. Runner-up to him would be my best friend Andy.

One of my mom’s strongest characteristics was:

She’s domineering:

One of my dad’s strongest characteristics was:

He’s a calm person, who’s a good listener and who’s funny.

This issue caused a great rift between me and my parents:

Again, I don’t know where to begin, but I’d have to say that our greatest rifts were over our different views and ways.

We reconciled after this happened:

We didn’t really reconcile until we began to open up and express ourselves to each other more. It’s unfortunate we didn’t communicate as well earlier cuz I think it’d have avoided more problems and sometimes you must work out the past, in order to move on.

My hairstyles and hair colors these years:

I dyed my hair red and black a few times years ago. It’s not dyed now and Arizona has lightened it up a bit, but I have bangs and it’s still brown, thick, long, curly and to my butt, but with gray coming in.

The story about how I became engaged is:

My husband and I were neighbors, then he got a house and then I moved in. Although we had a few shaky moments in the beginning, we each knew it was right and that we were soul mates.

I remember my wedding well:

We had a wonderful wedding in Vegas. We chose to go it alone, so as not to have to deal with the hassles or guests at a bigger wedding. We wanted to just be by ourselves and go straight from the chapel and on with our honeymoon gambling in the casino.

This is how we decided how many children to have:

I think Tom would prefer two kids (or so he says), although one suits him fine. I decided on one kid simply cuz one’s enough and that way, sibling rivalry/fights are nothing we’ll have to deal with. However, I am sterile, so a child isn’t in our cards. My husband thinks it is, though, and that we’ll have twins.

I remember the birth(s) of our child(ren) well:

Given the fact that I don’t have a child - I’ll simply have to guess on these child-related questions. I would hope I wouldn’t have been too small and needed a C-section and could’ve had it the natural way. I think the birth would’ve been scary, painful and beautiful and exciting.

Some of the things I loved doing with my family were:

My family, which is my husband, is who I enjoyed being with, talking with, having sex with and seeing him be happy.

This was a particularly memorable vacation with my loved ones:

Our wedding in Vegas, driving through the tip of California and going to Laughlin, Nevada.

This health problem was very scary for my family:

The asthma attacks I had back east, my father’s heart problems, my brother-in-law’s lymphoma, my father-in-law’s cancer, and my mother-in-law’s stroke.

This was a serious accident I remember:

When my brother and nephew were in a trucking accident and my nephew died.

We had these pets:

Guinea pigs, rabbits, hamsters, mice and pigeons.

My parents played this kind of role to my children:

I hope they’d have played a typical one.

This is the part of my parenting I am particularly proud of:

I think I would’ve been most proud of how I’d always let the child know it could come to me with anything and be itself.

This is the part of my parenting where I think I could’ve done better:

I think I would’ve had to work on my patience.

My brother(s), and/or sister(s) and I acted this way toward each other:

My sister and I used to be negative and not supportive of each other, but we’ve outgrown this and have moved on to being able to get along better and being able to confide in one another.

My brother and I can talk to each other and we joke a lot.

My best friend after I left home was:

Jenny C - then Andy M.

These people were my best friends in my middle years:

Jenny C, Jessie S, Andy M, Bob P, Kim C, Jai Z, Stefan H, Paula B, Fran P, Kevin T (Nervous), and Emily B.

True friendship to me means:

Being there for each other through the good and the bad. Acceptance.

This person helped to save my life:

In a lot of ways, my husband saved my life and my sanity. If it were not for him - who knows what would’ve happened when I needed ear surgery.

I remember this embarrassing incident with a good friend:

I cannot really remember any embarrassing incidents with a friend. However, after I lost 40-50 pounds, and hadn’t gotten smaller underwear yet, and was wearing a dress one day in downtown Springfield, I was embarrassed when I slowly began to walk out of them. I managed to jump into a deserted alley, step out of them, and shove them in my pocketbook.

One of the ways I liked to entertain guests was:

Don’t entertain enough to answer.

When I think of compassion and goodness I think of this person:

My husband.

One big misunderstanding I’ve had with a friend was:

I’ve had so many in the past with Andy, as well as others that I wouldn’t know where to start.

I learned to take myself less seriously through my friendship with:

My husband says - no one.

I have always felt that this person betrayed me even though I was always loyal to them:

My mother and sister.

This is the sport I most enjoyed:

Figure skating and gymnastics.

The activity that my friends and I most often engaged in was:

Prank phone calls, talking, cards, driving around, doing music-related stuff.

A very difficult educational experience for me was:

That life and people are often hard, cruel and unfair.

These are the kinds of books I enjoy reading most:

Supernatural suspense.

One book that had a very strong impact on me was:

A book on child abuse (mental, physical and sexual).

One of my favorite magazines in my middle years was:

Word find puzzles.

The subject(s) I always wanted to learn more about but never did:

Motherhood.

A year in which I learned a lot of new skills was:

Beginning at 21 (became a fairly decent singer, started to draw, learned more Spanish, became a fluent signer, and learned more about life/people).

The way I liked best to learn was:

As quickly and as easily as possible.

My involvement in religion as an adult was:

None really. I just think everyone should have their own ways/beliefs and not try to push their ways/beliefs on others.

This was an area I was able to teach well to others:

Don’t be afraid to be yourself and speak your mind. Do what you want with your life and not what others think you should do. Don’t do something cuz it’s common, uncommon, important, or high paying - Do it cuz you want to (if fate will allow it).

One thing I regret that I never got to explore:

Motherhood. More 1-niters with more feminine women before I met Tom, although this was something I regretted at that time. And that I couldn’t be a singer. Besides motherhood, I regret not being able to quit smoking and get on a schedule. I also wish I could say I’ve been exercising every day for years.

The accomplishments I am most proud of are:

Coming to Arizona, getting married, developing my voice and drawing. Learning computers, too. Losing weight years ago.

I really liked working with this person:

Norah M. Even though she could be rude and insensitive - she was this gorgeous woman from England.

Things I liked about my work included:

I’d say my favorite job was when I was an exotic dancer. I liked being able to dance to music all night. You can’t do that with most jobs.

I strived to be this kind of worker with these qualities:

To be on time and do my best.

Some household chores I enjoyed and some I didn’t:

I don’t mind dishes and laundry, but dusting and vacuuming sucks.

If I could have changed the balance between work, family, and play I would have done so in this way:

I’d balance things so my husband and I could have more time together and more sex if I could.

The values I adhered to as an adult were:

Live life, be myself, stand my ground, but try to avoid unnecessary conflicts. Try not to assume too much or give up trying for my goals, even if they take years to achieve and even if I think I’ll never succeed. Have self-respect and stand up for myself by putting up my fists and defending myself if I should God forbid be faced with an attacker.

Favorite hobbies:

Singing, drawing, writing, reading, computers and listening to music.

Places I’ve worked:

Hotels, bars, cleaning houses, babysitting and a few other odds and ends.

Things I disliked about my work included:

As a housekeeper - I got a lot of backaches and lousy pay. As a dancer - I got sore feet and hated to pay too much of my earnings to bouncers, bartenders and DJs, cuz of cheap owners who were supposed to pay them themselves.

These are the presidents I voted for:

None, cuz they’re all quacks, just trying to show off and gain popularity.

The clothes fashions I wore as an adult:

I used to dress conservatively, then non-conservatively. Now I like a mix of both, but nothing overly conservative.

Favorite actresses/actors/singers:

Marlee Matlin, Jenny Seagrove, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan.

I traveled outside my local environs to:

I traveled to Florida, which was so-so. After moving to Arizona, I traveled to Nevada and California and had a blast.

One of the national news events that most fascinated me was:

I was appalled by the Oklahoma City bombing and by all the innocent children and adults who were killed. I was also appalled by the not-guilty verdict of O.J. Simpson who so obviously killed his wife and her friend, only to get away with it all cuz he was rich, famous, and male. I'm sure the race card he played helped as well.

This event raised my understanding of the larger world outside my immediate surroundings:

The events I wrote about in the last question, increase my belief that we live in a sick, cruel, dangerous and unfair world.

Later…

Yup, it’s spite time alright. A half-hour ago I heard a couple of slams and just a few seconds ago, I heard a weird buzzing sound. It was only for a few seconds and I couldn’t tell what the fuck it was, but that’s OK. There’s gonna be a time soon enough when they’re gonna fuck with me with the music when he isn’t here. Then they’re dead.

Later…

No, they didn’t take their dog inside like I had hoped. I know someone was out there after I yelled out back, but what the fuck were they doing if they didn’t go out to take the dog in?

Meanwhile, something’s gotta be done on my part. I mean, this shit has absolutely got to stop. I just can’t and won’t take anymore.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1997 I’m soooo happy right now! We got a new piggy, who I’ve decided should be called Spunky. We went to the first Petco and I saw one that was damn good potential. He was a rusty brown color, but I wanted to look around some more. What was weird about him, though, was that although this was a short-haired GP, the texture of his fur was fuzzier. GPs have hair. Rabbits and hamsters are furry things, but this GP, seemed fluffier and more fur-like, whereas most short-haired GPs are hairy things.

At the second Petco we stopped at, I found him right away and knew he was it. He’s not all black, but he’s got gorgeous black and rusty brown colors. Almost the same colors Toffee had, but not in patches. It’s mixed in. His belly has a lighter mahogany-like color and there’s a little patch of that on his rear end, too.

He struggled like hell in the guy’s hands when one of the employees picked him up for me, then I took him and he calmed right down.

He was only $12, whereas the long-haired ones were $17. And of course, there were way more long-haired ones, but that’s cuz they’re so much more in demand. I’m glad I prefer short-haired ones. Everyone thinks the long-haired ones are so cute, but I think they’re goofy looking and they get so messy, too, with sawdust and shit matted in their fur.

So, we took Spunky home and he had a tick on him, but it shouldn’t be a big deal. If there’s any more, we’ll powder him up, as Tom said. When I first put him in with Bunny, Bunny sat there like nothing was going on. Spunky ran around and nestled against Bunny for a moment, then found his way into Piggy’s old house. He’s been burrowing in there. A little while later, Bunny was all psyched up and ran around batting his ears for the first time since Piggy died.

Now here’s the amazing part. He isn’t talking yet, which is typical of a pig when he’s first brought into a new home, but he actually ate some lettuce. Something they don’t do right away, either. Also, they don’t usually give kisses on the first day, but he did! I had him out a few times and he’s such a loving little sweetheart.

Later…

Just thought I’d write some more while Spunky gets adjusted to his new home. He’s awfully thin, but he’ll fatten up.

I’ve decided that this will be the last letter I send out to Shelly. I still love her dearly and I know she’s going through all kinds of shit right now and is bogged down with two kids, but I feel like this reunited friendship has been way too one-sided. So, I’ll let Shelly pick up the phone or a pen if she wants to. I’d rather let her make the next move (if she chooses to and I’ll accept whatever she decides), cuz that’d only be fair. I’ve done all the calling and writing and it should be her turn, but only if she wants to.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1997 About next door’s party - thank God they didn’t start their partying till around 6:30 and not at 2 PM like they used to, cuz then that’d be all the more hours for them to party.

The first carload came at 6:30, but I didn’t hear anything till 8:00. That’s when their kid and maybe other kids, and the adults started screaming non-stop for a good 45 minutes to an hour. It started to rain at this point, but even that wouldn’t drive them indoors. One or more than one of the kids was racing up and down the driveway with what sounded like an electric toy car.

Amazingly, there was no ball playing, but there couldn’t have been cuz afterward Tom said he saw 3 cars over there when he left for work at 7:30. Then, it was just the adults I heard till about 9:30. They must’ve had cars filled out to the street, cuz at one point I heard a horn honk that I could tell was on the street, then one of the adults yelled out, “Stop honking that horn!” Not because they were worried about it annoying others, of course, but because it annoyed them. There was a light blue car there and the maroon one, too. So Mike must drive these cars for a while, then sell them to friends, I guess. I only heard music for a few seconds as someone either came or left and it was so soft that I wasn’t even sure what I was hearing, so if I had been asleep, I’d never have been woken up.

At 9:30, they finally packed it in and even their dog shut up. That thing’s been barking more than the two dogs lately!

I got a message from my dad saying he heard I called and bet I was shocked that they got a computer and AOL. Yeah, I was. He also says they’re putting together a package of small and large flags, which is so nice of them.

I would copy and paste all their messages here, but then they wouldn’t be in my written journals and I don’t feel like copying all their messages to me by hand. Not that there’ll be too many or that they’ll be that long, I’m sure. So, we’ll see.

I guess I misunderstood Tom. I thought we were going GP hunting today, but instead, we’ll be going tomorrow. Hope I find that all-black piggy I always loved.

I love our new stackable washer and dryer. David hauled it here in his truck and they brought it in together. Then, Tom showed David some stuff on the Internet and I showed him a journal and some drawings.

After David left, he cut part of a high cupboard out, cuz this thing’s tall and we wanted it to fit in nicely, then installed the washer/dryer. I can reach the dryer lint trap easily. The washer one’s self-cleaning, so that’s nice. There’s a really super cool feature to the dryer and that’s that it’s got a sensor in it, so if the clothes are dry sooner than you’ve set it to shut off, it’ll shut off on its own. There are only two things I don’t like about it, but they’re minor inconveniences and that’s that the washer isn’t of very big capacity and I can’t wash and dry at the same time.

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