#weird though! don't like it! really just wanted it to be the magic cure all!

[callixton]

took 10 mg of my ex's ritalin in the hopes it would balance out my adhd and i'm having like. a real weird reaction to it. it is making me paranoid i don't have adhd but i think it is much more likely that my body just isn't sure how to deal with having a stimulant in it for the first time. i'm also not like. high in any way. i'm just sort of jittery and physically unable to settle. and i'm still having trouble focusing but not the way i usually do which i suspect might also be bc this isn't overriding how tired i am. i also can't stop talking when in a conversation

[chaoticbardlady99]

Nobody's Fool (Astarion x GN! Reader) Part 1

Synopsis: You approach Astarion at the Tiefling party and get rejected. Everyone else and Astarion knows he made a mistake, but you certainly don't.

Author Note: I LOVE Shadowheart- okay. Love her, but she is also my favorite hot girl rival in my fiction. No idea why. I just also love the idea of her being best friends with a Selunite by the end of her journey (or ship her hardcore with an Oathbreaker Paladin)

CW: Sad boi rejection hours, mentions of sex, mentions of Dead Dove.

Based off of a post by @golden-baby

(I also listened to Avril Lavigne’s Nobody’s Fool while writing this and it’s very good if you haven’t heard it)

(IDK Who this gif belongs too, but it is not mine)

You have always been the first person to throw yourself into a situation and help others- it was what had drawn you to being a Cleric of Selune in the first place. 

 You miss being a young cleric studying the life domain under the stars and the bright moon. You miss not feeling so terrified. 

 All this tadpole has brought you is anxiety and fear, you have a feeling it will be okay. You are here for a reason and you trust that Selune needs you to trust her. 

 Meeting Shadowheart had certainly confirmed that- she obviously was plummeting down the wrong path, but she has also flipped this thinking on you a few times. Only, you cannot understand following a Goddess as cruel as Shar. She has obviously brought serious damage to Shadowheart’s life and you are determined to support her- whether she gets away from Shar’s doctrine now or fifty years from now, you will be here to help her when the time comes.

 In spite of your differences, you actually go to the same spot and pray together- farther away from each other, but the sentiment is still there. Occasionally you drink together after a particularly weird or bad day. You find you both can talk about your religious beliefs and you are open to hers which in turn has begun to show her how to be open to your religious doctrine. It’s nice to have someone to talk about the bigger powers at play- even if that person opposes your Goddess so viciously. You don’t really care- you know followers of Shar are hurt people hurting people. They need love just as much as the next person. 

 Lae’zel has been a tougher nut to crack, but you have provided sympathy where you can and support her. You promised her that you would all head to the mountains and search for the Creché. If the cure is there- she will get it. That has made Lae’zel feel better a few times.

 Karlach just wants a good life and to talk about the joys of Life, Gale wants someone to talk to about magic and help finding magic items, and Wyll just wants to feel accepted and like he is still the mighty Blade of Frontiers.

 Then there is Astarion.

 You have been head over heels for the man since he knocked you to the ground and questioned you. You could probably stare at him forever if it wasn’t so Gods damn creepy. 

 You practically bend over backwards to help him- far more than you do for others, anyhow. He seems to like you and you have definitely thought about asking him to go on a date with you at some point. 

 But then you think about how not romantic having a tadpole in your head is and nix the idea. 

  You listen to him whenever he speaks to you, any books you find usually end up going to him. Gale is still pretty upset about the Necromancy of Thay. 

 Any new short swords, daggers, arrows, bows, crossbows, armor, potions, etc- you name it, you probably already gave it to him. You often think you may be far too obvious with your affections, but it’s the only thing you know kind of appeases him.

 Every decision you make he despises and makes a point of mocking you for. Karlach is often telling him to knock it off, but that usually just makes it worse so you just laugh it off even though it hurts. You just remind yourself that he lived as a slave for the last 200 years and you are the first to admit that your Goddess failed to save him. You don’t know why, but it is what it is. Maybe one day he will see that not all people are his ruthless master. 

You also let him drink from you every three or so days. If he is injured in battle- you are first to offer him another drink. 

 Astarion calls you, “Darling '' from time to time and you thought that might be something, but you also heard him call Karlach and Shadowheart that too. 

 You feel so conflicted when you go to bed- he seeks out Shadowheart and never you at bedtime. He spends all night talking to her about Gods only knows what. You are certain some of it is mocking you, but you try to remain optimistic. He wouldn’t do that- you have been nothing but kind to him. What could he even say?

 Tonight is the first night that he is by himself and not talking to Shadowheart. You can do it- just go up and ask him if he would like to take a walk with you. No big deal. 

 “Hi Astarion,” you say softly, “are you having fun?”

“No- no thanks to you, by the way.”

 Your smile falters slightly, but you rebound. 

“I’m sorry- I wasn’t trying to ruin your night.”

 Astarion rolls his eyes and flashes a smile that makes your breath catch. 

 “I suppose it couldn’t be helped, Darling,” he says with a dismissive wave, “you and all your do gooder nonsense was bound to get us here eventually.”

 You smile brightly- happy with the positive step forward. 

“How rude of me- I forgot to ask- how can I help you this evening?” 

  This is the big moment- you can do it! 

“I was-“ you clear your throat, take a deep breath and avoid his eyes, “I was wondering if you would want to go on a walk with me on the beach later?” 

 Astarion blinks a few times and you think you see the hint of a smile- it makes you feel slightly optimistic. 

 Until it turns into a snort and a laugh he can’t hold back.

“You are so naive,” your heart drops, “whatever gave you the impression that I would want to ‘go on a walk’ with you?” 

 You frown, a lump in your throat is beginning to form and you feel so embarrassed that you wouldn’t even know where to begin to explain yourself.

“I- you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“I am glad we could clear that up.”

“Me too,” you say with a forced smile, “good night.”

“You don’t have to-“

 You walk away- all the horror and heartbreak simply being far far too much to bear. How could you be so positively stupid? 

 Your mother always chastised you for this kind of thing- you give and give and give, hoping it will make people love you, but it never works. They will take everything from you and then some because they can. 

 You sit on an alcove overlooking the camp- far enough away that you hopefully won’t be spotted by anyone. You wish you hadn’t- you just barely catch a glimpse of Astarion dragging the all alluring and elusive Shadowheart away into the forest. 

 You are diminished to tears- your heart feels like it has splinters all over it and your stomach feels like it may twist before collapsing in on itself. 

 You are about to give up and leave, but the sound of approaching footsteps catches your attention. 

“It’s just me,” Wyll says with his hands up, a friendly smile on his face, “you seemed like you may need a friend.”

 You laugh and wipe your tears away, “and here I thought I was hiding it so well.”

 “You do, my friend,” Wyll says before putting a hand on your shoulder, “what troubles you?” 

 “You are going to think I’m stupid.”

 Wyll laughs lightheartedly, “I have seen and done my fair share of ‘stupid’.” 

 You inhale deeply and tell Wyll your story- from start to finish. You are a crying mess by the end of it- so much so that Wyll actually maneuvered you and began cradling you in his arms. 

 His heartbeat helps steady you- the connection to nature and the ground is helpful. It makes it all feel a bit better- you suppose.

 You eventually sit back down next to Wyll- your face is blotchy and red, tear stained and puffy. 

“I have noticed that you give Astarion all of you,” Wyll says with a frown, “spirit, body, heart, and mind.

“Maybe it is time to stop- set some boundaries for yourself. I am sorry that you did not get the answer you wanted, but at least now you know and that is a blessing. You can now look for someone who truly wants you and gives equally as much as they take.” 

 You nod. You had hoped to hear more of a, “he will come around” message, but you know this is the better, healthier message. You despise it, but it’s true.

 You and Wyll spend time talking about other things. You tell him how you hope to open your own clinic one day and help people who cannot afford it. Wyll tells you about the Sword Coast, his failings, and his own trauma. 

 He teaches you different constellations, the different flora in the area, and what the fishing season was like when the town was functioning and Wakeen’s rest was up and running. It sounds like it was a beautiful place to live before all of this nonsense erupted.

 It’s fun and Wyll makes you feel seen and appreciated. He still isn’t Astarion, but you know it will take some time before you can look at someone else and that’s okay.

 Wyll walks you back to camp and you don’t bother to look over at Astarion’s tent nor do you go that way like you usually would. You noticed he was back and so was Shadowheart. Both of their clothes were ruffled- it’s been at least two hours so you can only imagine.

  “Good night, Tav,” Wyll kisses you on the back of the hand before engulfing you in a large hug that you gladly accept, “sleep well- tomorrow will be better.”

 You go to your bedroll and begin to open your healing magics book when a knock on your tent post gets your attention. Maybe it’s Wyll. He did say he enjoyed talking to you, maybe he wants to spend the night? That doesn’t seem overly realistic though- he is a perfect gentleman.

“Come in,” you say, still not looking up, “what’s up?” 

“I was hoping I may be able to get a small snack?”

 Oh. It’s Astarion.

 You just fed him earlier today before the party. Usually you would say yes, but Wyll is right- you can’t keep giving him everything and leaving nothing for yourself. 

“I- I am really sorry,” he frowns and his ears even droop, “I am just really tired and I don’t-“

“No worries, Tav.” He says with a forced smile on his face, “have a good evening.”

  You are shaking after he leaves the tent. You cannot believe you just did that. You set a whole boundary. 

 No he did not call you by a pet name nor did he flirt with you. Yes he frowned and it made your heart hurt, but you need to start putting yourself first. 

  You still cry yourself to sleep and you wake up early enough to wash your face with cold water- any evidence of your heartbreak is completely gone. 

     ***********************************************

 You have managed to really avoid Astarion for the last four, almost five days. You let him feed because you don’t want him to starve to death, but you found out that casting “calm” on yourself beforehand keeps your adrenaline from kicking up so you no longer react to him.

 You cry afterwards, obviously, but he doesn’t need to know that. He is right- he never did anything to make you believe he liked you and it was very naive of you to assume he did. However, you do commend yourself for your courage to try and you even walked away with your dignity. 

 At the end of the day, you are proud of yourself and you love yourself more than anything. You will continue your mission and continue to help people because you enjoy helping people. Right now, this group of weirdos needs you and you need you so that you all make it out of this nonsense alive.

 That is more than enough to keep someone busy.

 First there was a Hag to fight, then you unfortunately had to kill a monster hunter (you didn’t talk to Astarion about it afterwards, that is Shadowheart’s job), and fought a bunch of spiders off- which also brought up the Necromancy of Thay argument again. That was exhausting. 

 Astarion opened the door on a Bugbear and Ogre bumping uglies, you also had to really put your foot down so that he wouldn’t send a dark Gnome flying. He was quite frustrated with you, but he understood your reasoning enough to not do it. 

 Then there were the Gnolls and Astarion had opened the chest which caused the Zhentarim guild to attack and try to make you all explode. Thankfully you were able to save that weird artist, but no one from the guild survived. 10/10 supplies though. 

 There are things to be done and places to see. Exploring the Underdark first made the most sense. It upset Lae’zel, but she said she trusts your judgment which warms your heart. 

 It is certainly not a quick or easy journey to get to the entrance inside the abandoned temple of your Goddess. You can hear Shadowheart saying snarky things- Astarion snorts here and there, but doesn’t actually chime in for once. 

 At least you get some relief from that for a day. You wrap your hand around your Moondrop pendant and you already feel the love of Selune flow through you. You kept the statue as well and you keep it next to you- last night you actually slept with it in your hand. 

 You had grown up exceptionally poor and your parents died from some disease in the mines where you were all imprisoned. The mine was eventually raided by Selune clerics and paladins- you immediately knew that is what you wanted to be. Selune had saved you right before you were being shipped to another location and you lived with her clergy ever since.

 You were grateful you had a potion of flying as well as the support of the others to keep the moonstone. Even Astarion expressed his approval when Shadowheart became upset. You waited until it killed the Minotaur, of course. The splash of blood that hit the group wasn’t necessarily welcome, but oh well.

  And at least you don’t have a ridiculous name.

 You snicker to yourself as you walk- earning an odd look from Gale who is covered in Minotaur blood. You urge him to keep talking about whatever book he finished last night and he gladly dives back into the subject. 

 Finding a decent spot to camp was actually pretty easy. The camp is beautiful and your tent is set up next to Karlach’s. She convinces you to make a massive tent fort and Fort Tavlach is born. 

 You pass a bottle of wine back and forth as you talk. Karlach is letting you hug Clive as you talk about the tiefling party and the aftermath of everything.

“Is that why those two are sitting next to each other so miserably?” 

You cock your head to the side, “what do you mean?”

“What I mean is they look miserable and haven’t stopped fighting for the last three days,” Karlach states with a raised eyebrow, “have you really not been paying attention?”

 You shake your head. Karlach gapes at you, chugging a bit of the wine before passing it back.

“Well- I have been waiting to tell you all day, but Shadowheart finally told me what they were fighting about.”

 “Oh, Karlach, I really should-“

“Two nights ago, they tried to be intimate again and he said your name during the act itself.”

 You simultaneously choke on and spit out your wine- some of it comes out of your nose. You can’t stop coughing and Karlach is dying laughing- she is crying she is laughing so hard. You are crossing your arms and uncrossing them in front of your face- a look of bewilderment as you process what just happened.

“mE!?”

 This just makes Karlach laugh even harder, she goes running straight for behind a rock- screaming that she is going to pee herself.

 The entire camp is looking over in curiosity and you just wave awkwardly. You catch Astarion’s gaze from the corner of your eye and he looks sad- maybe even a little angry.

 He storms off to his tent and Shadowheart rolls her eyes, glaring at you before going off to her own tent. 

 Karlach eventually comes back and you both continue your drunken gossip.

“That- that can’t possibly be true,” you say, “I asked him on a date and he told me I was naive to think he would ever want to be with me that way.”

“What!?” Karlach looks like she may light the entire camp on fire, “why didn’t you say something! We could have-“

“No,” you chastise, “he is right. It was naive of me to assume- my hurt is no one else’s fault. I also chose to give him everything I had. 

“He doesn’t owe me, I wanted to do those things,” you affirm, Karlach is smiling softly, “I still adore him, of course, but this is for the best, you know? Wyll says it means I can set my sights elsewhere now that I know Astarion isn’t into me.” 

“That is very big of you, Soldier, look at you in your big kid pants.”

You roll your eyes and give her a playful shove.

“He has been hurt and used enough for a dozen lifetimes- I don’t want to contribute to that hurt.” 

“You are a good person, Soldier,” Karlach hands you the bottle of wine, “you know- Halsin would be an amazing lover. I am sure of it.”

 “You think?”

“Oh ho- let me tell you what I think, Soldier-“

 Karlach goes into her wild theories and you try so hard to listen intently, but your drunken mind is stuck on Astarion and wondering if he is okay.

[thenightling]

Unexpected Goth music

In the 90s you had the curious dilemma of both trying to avoid the title of Goth and also being accepted in the perceived Goth community. And there was an unfortunately high number of gatekeepers. You'd get asked what your favorite Goth artist or song was and for whatever reason "That doesn't count." or "That's actually Punk." or 'That's Death Rock, not Goth." or "That's too mainstream, that's not REAL Goth." And it got very irritating. So I'm going to list some of the things I think fit under the Goth genre that many would either not consider at all or would think "don't count." Disclaimer: This list does not contain obvious bands like The Cure, Siouxsie and the banshees, or Bauhaus. Once you remove those you'd be surprised how limited the selection of "real" Goth starts to feel. ______________________ And now here are the things that have (in my own experience) been classified as not Goth despite really fitting the criteria. Aurelio Voltaire - Sometimes considered Goth folk or "Dark Cabaret" or even "Death Rock" (1988 version of The Night) Aurelio Voltaire pretty much personifies Goth music. From his Gothic Neo Victorian / pirate look to such songs as Raised by Bats, Land of the Dead, Vampire Club, and the Neil Gaiman's The Sandman inspired "Come Sweet Death." Aurelio Voltaire is so Goth that I can't help but think there are other reasons people may not want to count him such as unconscious racism. (He's Cuban and has released Spanish language tracks.) Danny Elfman - Perhaps today most well known for his movie scores, particularly the iconically Gothic Nightmare before Christmas (where he was multiple voices including Jack's singing voice), Danny Elfman used to be the front man for the band Oingo Boingo where he had such songs as Dead Man's Party, Flesh 'n blood, Weird Science, No one lives forever, and No Spill Blood. These are arguably Gothic themed but not Gothic "style." However I do feel there is some Goth leanings in his 2020 album Big Mess which was officially released as the genre Industrial Goth. The Hex Girls - This band was invented for the 1999 Scooby Doo animated movie, Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost. Representing Gothic fashion, Wiccan spiritual beliefs, and environmentalism the band was meant to be a Gothic inversion on The Spice Girls. Defined as "Eco Goth" though arguably pop their songs actually were really good including "Earth, Wind, Fire, and Air" (though admittedy it should be Earth, Water, Fire, and Air), The Witch's Ghost, and Hex Girl. Inkubus Sukkubus - Considered Pagan Rock, they are definitely Goth, including the songs Sweet Morpheus and Vampire Queen (and several other vampire themed songs!) Blackmore's night - Neo Medieval folk rock band. You know... I think once you get called "Neo Medieval" you get a free pass to call yourself Goth. That's just my opinion. Including the songs Locked Within the Crystal Ball, The Darkness, and Shadow of the Moon.

Within Temptation - Symphonic Metal / Gothic Metal. One question... have you listened to them? Just listen to Angel, Stand my Ground, The Fear, or A Demon's Fate. Eden's Bridge - Progressive Celtic Folk Rock. They have two songs dedicated to Oscar Wilde's The Canterville Ghost. I know one song isn't enough but still... Sonata Arctica - Metal but some of their biggest hits are about magic and more commonly werewolves. Cain's offering - Again, Metal, but the subject matter is decidedly Gothic. Kamelot - Power metal but they have two albums that retell Goethe's Faust parts 1 and 2 (Epica and The black Halo). In fact pretty much everything they do is of Gothic inclination. Richard Campbell - Metal but he did an entire metal opera retelling the novel Frankenstein. I think that's pretty Goth if you ask me.

Smashing Pumpkins - Considered Alternative rock. There was time where just about anything vampire related was advertised with Bullet with Butterfly Wings. And the band is named after a popular Halloween prank. The lead singer is also a professional poet.

Alice Cooper - Welcome to my Nightmare, Keepin' Halloween Alive, The Ballad of Dwight Frye (actor from classic universal monster movies), Gimme, Black Widow (With Vincent Price). He also performed in Tim Burton's Dark Shadows.

Marilyn Manson - Once Classified as industrial Goth, he was denounced by many Goths as "too mainstream" or "Not Goth enough." The man did covers of Danny Elfman's This is Halloween, David Bowie's Golden Years, Annie Lennox's Sweet Dreams, and Lost Boys' Cry Little Sister. That's pretty Goth if you ask me. My Chemical Romance (MCR) - Do I really need to elaborate wit this one? David Bowie - Mostly considered Glam Rock, Bowie has dabbled in all genres and Heart's Filthy Lesson was definitely industrial. Aurelio Voltaire did a Goth sequel to the songs Bowie wrote for Labyrinth. And Bowie's Scary Monsters and Super Creeps inspired Danny Elfman. You can't get more Goth than that (In my opinion). Even Bowie's album Hours drifts into Emo territory. Prince - At the very least he had a Goth aesthetic. I think if he wasn't black people would be quicker to realize he could fit as Goth. There's a lot of unconscious racism among some (not all) Goths. Michael Jackson - One word. Thriller. He also had The Boogeyman's Gonna Get ya with The Jackson Five, and later Ghost. But once you get Vincent Price to rap you should automatically count. The Rasmus - Rock but most of their songs are decidedly Goth and probably should count such as In the Shadows, Ghost of love, and Lucifer's Angel. Sarah McLachlan - Though considered pop let's be honest. Every Goth and person in the 90s "vampire Scene" had her Surfacing album or at least heard Building a Mystery. Before her music started playing in ASPCA commercials you heard songs like Adia on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Savage Garden - Though definitely pop they get an honorary mention for having songs inspired by Anne Rice and for naming themselves after a phrase invented by The vampire Lestat to describe the nature of the world in The Vampire Lestat novel by Anne Rice. Sting - Though not always Goth, Sting was in the Gothic horror movie The Bride and wrote a song from the perspective of Louis in Interview with the vampire called Moon over Bourbon Street. Stevie Nicks - She got an American Horror story: Coven tie-in music video and practices witchcraft. That's like hitting a Goth bullseye. Johnny Cash - Wore all black all the time and did a cover of a NIN song that is considered better than the original version, Hurt. Sir Elton John - Glam / Pop rock but he gets an honorary mention for composing the Lestat Broadway musical and having a full demo album that was never officially released and can only be found through dubious / underground sources. (Or Ebay if you were lucky in 2006...) Honorable mention to Bobby "Boris" Pickett for having the first Gothic themed song to get banned in the UK (Monster Mash) for being "Too morbid." You can't get much more Goth than that.

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 2, Wave 3, Poll 1

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Gobber-How To Train Your Dragon

Qualifications:

He has a prosthetic arm and a prosthetic leg. And is confirmed to be gay (in an admittedly really weird way :/)

Propaganda:

He's gay. He's disabled. He's a viking. He's good at his job. He has a stone tooth. He uses his arm prosthetic like a toolbelt. He knows a lot about dragons. Idk man. He's cool

Zhou Zishu-Faraway Wanderers / Tian Ya Ke

Qualifications:

He is mlm, though there's no consensus in fandom whether he's bi or gay. (He had slept with women prior to meeting his male love interest, but the way he speaks of that kinda doesn't make it sound like he enjoyed it? So there's room for interpretation. Maybe hes bi who just happened to settle with a man, maybe hes a late bloomer gay.) Either way, the novel's main romance is his relationship with another man, and they are in a committed relationship by the end! Now, for the disability part. He has a physical disability that's a result of, how do I put it, non-realistic circumstances (stabbing poisoned nails into his acupoints non-realistic), but I think it qualifies for how it affects him.

To start with, he is a martial artist, but the nails thing limits him to about half of his normal ability. Which is still pretty significant given he used to be one of the top talents of his generation, but there are many instances throughout the book where he finds himself frustrated, inconvenienced, or endangered by being unable to do what he *used to* be able to do, which I think tracks with acquired disability experience. Next, the nails also give him chronic pain issues with daily (or rather, nightly) flare ups, and additional ones when he strains himself. That usually last for several hours. (Fandom also theorizes that this leaves him chronically sleep deprived, but it's more conjecture than textual.)

Then, his biggest issue is that the nails are slowly killing him, and he has like 2-3 years to live... but uh given it's a happy ending novel his friend gives him an experimental surgery and it works out. But! Gotta note that I don't think it counts as a case of 'magically cured disability' trope. It is plainly stated that he will still have some issues post-surgery - just, y'know, no longer life-ending ones. The tl;dr here is that while his situation is not something possible in the real world, it still affects him in a way an acquired physical disability may: limits things he can do compared to his pre-injury state, results in chronic pain issues, and requires difficult medical intervention to stymie the negative effects.

Propaganda:

Zhou Zishu, how do I explain him... He is a spymaster and an assassin. He put the current Emperor on the throne. He committed atrocities. He lost the person he saw as his little brother as a result. He still thinks he did what was right, in the grand scheme of things. He decides to start his retirement at age 28 by stabbing a bunch of poisoned nails into his chest, disguising himself as a beggar, and vanishing into jianghu to daydrink and sightsee. He is living his best life, all 3 remaining years of it. He is in pain every night. He meets a man who, unexpectedly, understands him with a glance... and then begins to annoy him ceaselessly, insisting he has fallen for Zishu at first sight.

Cue Zhou Zishu's horrified realization that he's not only into men, but into this clown in particular. Zishu falls in love the way a cat falls into a bath - hes trying to get out but keeps slipping back, and hes hissing all the while. (We love to bully him for his clownsexual ways.) (Also, if this makes anybody want to check out the novel, remember: Zhou Zishu is an unreliable narrator and Will lie to you. Pay attention to his actions and reactions, not just what he *says* he thinks!) Now, I could spend hours gushing about how WenZhou (the couple's ship name, and yes they are canon and the main romantic storyline) gave me unrealistic standards for romance, but I'm gonna hold myself back from writing a 6k essay and focus on the theme of the tournament. I consider Zhou Zishu a disabled protagonist because: while his situation itself is non-realistic (aforementioned 'stabbing a bunch of poisoned nails into his chest'), the way it affects him is actually pretty similar, and in some ways really the same, to how an acquired physical disability may affect a person. First, it limits what he can do, physical activity-wise, to about half of his pre-injury state. (Which is still rather a lot, given he used to be a top dog martial artist, but it's still noticeable to him.) Second, it gives him chronic pain issues, with nightly flare-ups. (And additional ones when he strains himself.) (Also, at a certain point in the book his love interest starts holding him through his flare ups. Which doesn't lessen the pain but does help Zishu cope with it better. It's very important to me that it doesn't magically help but it does Mentally help and thats enough. The "stay with him morning and night, holding his hand" of it all (; v ;) yes thats a quote from the book.) And third, it requires a difficult surgery to stymie its negative effects (him dying in three years ones). (Yeah btw its not the case of magic surgery perfectly 'fixing' (bleugh) the character; he still need physical-therapy-analogue after it, and his uh medical professional also states he will likely still have some issues post-op.)

[multifandombullshitbabes]

Random Merlin Rewatch: Where a random number generator gives me a season and an episode from BBC Merlin; and then I comment on it as I go.

Today's episode: Season 1 Episode 6 - A Remedy to Cure all Ills

Before I start, let me just say, I'm really happy I'm getting to rewatch the earlier seasons. Of course the next random episode might be literally season 5 or something, but it's great that it hasn't happened yet.

Let's fucking start bitches

Not the wiggly evil fingers just a few seconds in.

Damn boy you got some dirty ass nails, wash your hands.

MORGWEN MY BELOVEDS!!!! Also the way Gwen looked at Morgana after she asked who'd she want the flowers to be from. Girl looked ready to risk it ALL, let me put a screenshot actually.

OUGHHHH the brainrot is real with these two

LIKE??????? GWEN'S THIRSTY (me too)

Alright girls, enough yearning please

Ugh, I hate the little sound the bug made when it dropped from the flower. Butthole clenched in digust.

Oh thank god they DON'T show it literally entering her ear. That would've been so gross.

LETS GO INTROOOOOO

Oh Gwen looks BEAUTIFUL in that yellow color. It does everything for her!!

"She's all but dead, Merlin." JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GAIUS

Most suspicious ruse of all time. "Oh, i have a cure for all ills. And also I know the king's ward is very sick. But anyways, I'll be at the inn :)." Bitch.

"But I'm not worried." me when I lie. Merlin is so bad at lying, jesus fuck

Merlin sits down to stop pacing. Arthur gets up and starts pacing. Two sides of the same coin or whatever.

Underrated Arthur shirt is the purplish one he wears in the scene where he begs Uther n Gaius to hear the strange man out. That color looks good on him. It might be his red shirt but in a weird lighting?? I can't be sure.

I really like when Gaius gets to talk all medical considering how limited the medicine world was at the time. It's really really cool, I love seeing this insight into what was possibly like to be a physician at the time. I don't of this happens much in the show.

Arthur really is so trusting when it comes to his loved ones. Of course he's not at fault, like he said what do they have to lose at this point, honestly I've done the same. It's just. Heartbreaking to notice that trait knowing what comes next.

"Science is knowledge." Merlin is such a nerd, I love him.

Oh, not Gaius and Edwin having a lying competition over here. There's a better term for it, but whatever.

Gwen is SO FUCKING GORGEOUS but girl please that's a fucking sorcerer, go AWAY be SAFE. She's so smart though. Immediately knew something was off. He tries to be all "She may die :(." to get her to be worried and not suspicious, but it literally doesn't work. She leaves the room but not because she thinks he's got Morgana's best interests at heart. She knows something is wrong. She also knows she holds no power. And on the chance that he is right and Morgana dies, she'd never forgive herself.

The fucking lying back and forth between Gaius and Edwin. Like. From the outside, it sounds like a perfectly normal convo. But they both know it isn't. And WE know it isn't 'cause we know Edwin's full of shit.

Interesting how Arthur isn't seated but Uther and Morgana are.

Who the fuck knocks on someone's door, doesn't hear an answer, and then just let's themselves in?? I'm sorry, if you're a stranger, I'm not doing that. The fuck's wrong with you Merlin, you nosy boy??

It is so sickening that these villains of the week have views that we can agree with. Yes, magic is a gift and can be a force for good, you're right! But it's because of Uther and his oppression that they turn bitter and ruthless and vindictive. And yes, you do have to eliminate those who are like Uther because they will only propagate the same corrupted and repressive beliefs. The problem, the layers, is that some of those people are actually very much capable of understanding the very fundamental logic that "Sorcerers deserve too live in freedom" but they're so filled with fear and propaganda of the contrary that it's so hard to get out of it. And that's why, if they killed Uther with magic, Arthur would hate magic even more (just like it happens in canon), which would then just repeat the cycle, etc etc. You need to uproot the system, but killing everybody is not the answer; but also having to teach such a fundamental thing, that certain humans deserve basic rights, is such a painful thing to teach, and the oppressed does not have the obligation to do so. But then the cycle just repeats and repeats and it's SHIT. Anyways.

It's so funny that in season 1 they hadn't figured out the cgi for the golden eyes so they just. simply don't show it.

The things Edwin say are like. Well-meaning. But there's just this off vibe that the most intelligent characters (Gaius, Gwen, Merlin) can just. pick up. And even though Merlin really likes what Edwin is saying, there's just something telling him... it's wrong.

Uther, of course, would never even believe anyone would just lie so blatantly and manipulate him like this because he thinks himself very intelligent; which is why he's falling for everythinggg that Edwin says. But, credit where credit's due, Edwin is an excellent liar.

Gaius wears the most cunty ring on his pinky finger, hello?

I want that ring bro.

Oop, not Gaius having his cowardice and betrayal shoved right in his face. I get it, you wanted safety. But there's consequences to your actions. And I know Gaius feels so guilty about all his friends that died at the stake while he remained safe and sound.

If Gaius would've left in this episode, replaced by Edwin, I bet Morgana would've felt so guilty. In her mind, her illness is what caused him to leave. Gaius truly was there for Morgana and Arthur in ways Uther simply could not.

OOP Gaius and Kilgarrah meeting!!!!!!!! I forgot this happened lmao

Gaius got a little taste of how infuriating the dragon is.

Wait, Gaius was employed for Arthur's birth? That's so interesting. He probably already lived in Camelot but he's been a court physician for 20 years. He was already quite old by then.

It's the way that Gaius is just. Ready to throw his whole life away to make sure Merlin is safe and sound. That's his fucking son, bro!!!

What the actual fuck, they're gonna make me cry :(((( Gaius called Merlin a blessing and his son, I can't.

THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO MEEEEEEE IM GONNA CRY

Gwen is so iconic, speak the fucking truth girl.

THAT ICONIC GWEN LINE YESSSSSSSSSS QUEENNNN

Not Gaius with his lil blanket and lil fire. He looks so smol, it's so funny.

Edwin could've waited a lil bit before going all murder on Uther. That just looks suspicious as fuck ngl.

GAIUS GETTING BLOWN BACK SHOULD'NT BE SO FUNNY BUT--

I wonder how Arthur knew that his father was ill. It means he went into his room, but why? Did he have some feeling about Edwin? About Gaius leaving? Was it some courtly concern? I'm assuming no one else would have the privilege of seeing Uther at night except for his son and ward so.

Yes, Merlin, just stare at the floating axe that's being controlled by the evil sorcerer right in front of you, you're so smart. Also the slow-mo is so goofy.

It's interesting that they shot both Merlin and Edwin's eyes up-close when they did magic, Merlin to do the golden eye effect, but for Edwin it seems that his pupils just change size. I wonder if not all sorcerers have their eyes glow, if it depends on the magic. Edwin is using dark magic, could it be that? That's interesting, imo. Dark magic equals no golden eyes. Kinda fun.

Violent ass death for Edwin, damn. Axe to head, bitchass

Oh it must be so weird for Merlin to be touching Uther like that. Like that's intimate as shit.

So cuteeee Gaius calling Merlin a genius, they're adorable. He's so proud. That was a feat, though, just pure improv and luck. Merlin is still a noob at controlled magic so this was really damn good.

Love that it's so canon that Gaius potions taste like fucking ASS. Uther's face, lmao.

Interesting that Uther asked if Gaius remembered his friends that burned at the pyre, and Gaius answers "All of them." and Uther doesn't even comment. As bonkers as it sounds, they truly are friends in some capacities. I wonder if Gaius could make Uther change his mind. Not Morgana or Arthur, but Gaius. But he made the choice to abandon magic, Uther presumed because Gaius understood its dangers, but if he were to find out that actually Gaius doesn't agree, I wonder what Uther would think about that. Like a genuine and open convo about it. I think he'd just arrest Gaius for it, but I don't know. I think there's at least some reality where he gives it some more thought. But I don't know if he'd ever repel the ban, more because he'd have to admit that he was wrong, and admitting you're wrong is also accepting and processing all the shit you did for that wrong thing, and I just think Uther is too cowardly to do so. He knows it would break his mind to truly process all the pain and horror he's caused; so no matter his inner philosophies, he'll never repel the ban, because the damage has been done, and he'd rather live like that than start anew in the new reality where he's wrong.

"In the fight against magic, you are the one person I can trust." yet again. Gaius going against this? Uther can't fathom it. He's so confident that Gaius is 100% on his side.

Arthur smiling at Gaius, awww.

Two pretty bestfriends. No wonder half the kingdom wants to fuck them both. Also what the fuck is a "freeman"??? Genuinely, what is it??

And that is it. Loved it, of course.

[skyberia]

[Knocking on ur door] hi I’m interested in nephos. What’s this abt a death curse?

[SLAMS THE DOOR OPEN] hiii omg [GRABS YOU BY THE COLLARS] GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW

so, for starters, their general Tragic Backstory goes something like:

néphos was born cursed, or was cursed really shortly after birth.

their parents abandoned them basically immediately after they were born, presumably because they didn't want to deal with a Literal Cursed Child (or maybe because they had something to do with it…?)

by the time he was found by another person, he was nearly completely overtaken by this curse, his body almost entirely covered in these dark marks shaped like tendrils.

luckily the person who found him was a good samaritan-- a kind old halfling cleric who took them in and decided to try her best to help them, whatever the cost.

she couldn't find a way to dispel the curse through the usual means. hard to when you don't even know what the hell you're dealing with, she's never seen anything like this before

it's obvious that she's running out of time though, and that if something wasn't done soon they'd die. so she did the only thing she could think to do, which was buy them time.

ultimately she managed to take the curse and "isolate" it to his left eye, rendering it blind and darkened, but effectively slowing down its progress and making it so he could at least have a proper chance at living!

however doing this took a Lot out of her, basically seeping her of nearly all of her energy and magic and rendering her really weak and sickly as a result.

she managed to care for and raise them for a few years, but when they were a child still she became too ill to continue doing so and had to be taken for basically permanent care at a local house of healing, leaving them to fend for themselves in the streets.

thankfully what she did was pretty effective, making it so the worst they had to deal with (curse wise. they still had a pretty rough time in other aspects) for the first like two decades of their life was weird looks and a lack of depth perception.

but then one day he looks in the mirror and finds dark marks coming out of their left eye, reminding them that all that was done was just a measure to Slow Down the progress of the curse, and that he's still bound to succumb to it someday soon...

he tries to look for cures, goes to every curse specialist he can find, then to whatever expert cleric or wizard that's around, and none of them can even tell him what the curse even is. nobody's ever seen anything like it, and so obviously nobody has any fucking clue how to get rid of it!

so eventually they just give up. accept the fact that their lifespan is going to be significantly shorter than most other elves, that they're going to suffer a horrible and unknown fate at some point, and decide to just make the most out of whatever time they do have left

and that's it :) that's their whole deal. he then spends the rest of his days in baldur's gate fucking around and narrowly escaping finding out, placing bets on what'll get to him first the authorities or the curse, Except that's not what happens at all and instead they get abducted by mind flayers and get a tadpole inserted in their brain, and when they next manage a glimpse in the mirror Oh! Lol! the curse's suddenly spreading a lot faster than before huh! but they can't spend too long worrying about that because they suddenly have a bunch of new friends with a lot of problems and issues that are more pressing than his own and on top of that the world's falling apart and they're the only ones who can save it and Oh, uh, he just nearly died in combat and somehow that made the marks from the curse worse, and it's kind of starting to react weirdly with his lightning magic? and-- hey, you know now that you mention it, his whole life he just went along with this story his mother figure told him about his origins but the more he thinks about it the more holes he finds in it and it starts making less and less sense, and ha ha haa haaaaaaaa

(insert the whole companion questline i made up for them here. in order to not keep both of us here all day and also immediately contradict all the information i just gave you and overcomplicate everything, the really short version is: the woman he thought saved his life lied. Among other things)

anyway. Some other general things about them:

their full name is néphos huan

they're 54 years old

they don't know this but they're like elf mixed-race. their father was a sun elf, and their mother was a drow. he gets the red eyes (...eye...) and grey hair (and the penchant for ruthlessness, probably) from his mom.

their "job" pre-events essentially consisted of them seeking out people with issues and offering to help sort them out, for a price. Usually a quite high one.

he has a sort of reputation around baldur's gate as someone who can "solve any problem with a snap of their fingers!" because of this, which kind of makes him sound like a djinni. he is not. it just turns out that a lot of problems can be solved by frying whoever's causing them with a concentrated lightning storm lol

they're really reckless. i cannot understate this. At every turn they will see something that has a high chance of killing them (but that has some potential reward) and they will run straight at it. This was already a problem before but the tadpole makes it SO much worse

he's a real "what's in it for me?"/"where's my reward?" type bitch. refuses to do anything without knowledge that there will be some type of compensation for him at the end. This is a fine attitude to have and definitely doesn't have consequences that carry over to his personal relationships making them more difficult than they should otherwise be

i could go on for ages longer abt their general dynamics with the other characters and also their fake companion quest and so on but i will . leave it here for now. Thank you for asking. i love you

[crepes-suzette-373]

Every other day I find more Kamen Rider nods/callbacks in Germa, and it's getting really obnoxious, I just keep wondering what sensei is trying to do with this. If he's just having fun because he really likes Kamen Rider and Super Sentai, this is kind of going overboard.

Maybe he's just trolling Toei with this nonsense??? Toei as a studio runs Kamen Rider, Super Sentai, Sailor Moon, Pretty Cure (another magic girl show), and of course One Piece. Maybe he thought it'd be funny to make this bizarre combination of all the above and he just happens to really like Kamen Rider the most??

Sometimes the nods are too serious to be a joke, but on the other hand it's also super absurd at other times.

The Super Sentai team look is almost a camouflage, lore-wise they're definitely closer to Kamen Rider. Plus, Kamen Rider itself did have its "evil team" with rainbow scarves (all identical suits, though). Funky belts and scarves? That's the classic Kamen Rider's iconic look.

And then the Germa leader in the comic book resembling the military-looking guy (a KR villain commander). Based on the rough drafts that military look almost was designated to be how Judge actually looks before sensei scrapped it (too obvious, maybe?).

Kind of hard to see but in the screenshots you can also see the evil organisation's logo (on the floor in the middle of the table) looks like the Germa eagle symbol. And the setup of the "table under throne" in the left screenshot looks more specifically similar.

He's been mixing up various tropes from multiple seasons so it's just really

The term "modified humans" 改造人間 that was used to refer the the siblings is something that was characteristic of the Shouwa Riders (the really old ones from 90s and older). This is not "cyborg", by the way, just genetic modification. Like, in American superhero terms, Captain America or Winter Soldier would also categorise as 改造人間.

Sanji's backstory and the exoskeleton mods and even "evil twins" is more specifically Kamen Rider Black. The raid suit can transformation pose are the newer riders (Heisei Riders) from later in the 2000s onwards.

The original Kamen Rider villains, the Shocker group, were legitimately just flat out Nazis (or affiliated to them), and I honestly think the weird look in Germa is because of the Kamen Rider Easter Egg. Not because sensei was thinking "Germa = Germany".

Certainly we don't know when this stuff turned into this, as the old drafts proved that there was a time he designed "Sanji's family" to just look mostly normal. The father who was named Saint Germain looks just kind of like Pedro but human. Yonji looks like pre-timeskip Sanji but has a sword.

To me it felt more like he was going for the French/Saint Germain angle at first, then suddenly it became Kamen Rider and the Third Reich stuff crawled in. Sensei does a lot of research I'm sure, but I mean, most Japanese text usually calls Germany "Doitsu". Even the WW2 stuff would refer to them with something-Doitsu.

Unless he picked up a text with English words in them, he might not have really noticed Germany is spelled "Germany" in English. We don't know either way, that's why I don't like to assume for certain.

Anyway, I'm not sure how much of this can serve as a predictor. If it really is a straight reference, Sanji might then just adopt the mods completely. As mentioned above, the old Riders were "modified humans". The evil organisation were the people who forcibly gave them the powers they never wanted. They just reject the evil intent, but embrace the power because they're using it for good.

But if this is all just trolling, then scrap all that and now I know nothing.

[cainluvr69]

"Willfully Playful" Owen SSR Card Story - The Flowerfall Game Hall, With You ~ Invitation for Owen

the recordings for this were provided by known owen yume dante!

✦✧☾✧✦

Cain: Oh, here you are.

Akira: Owen!

Owen: Munch munch…

Mithra: Owen, those people have something they need from you.

Owen: What do you want…? In case you can't tell, I'm in the middle of something right now.

Cain: Are you two eating dinner together? It's definitely that time of night when you start getting hungry.

Owen: This is my tart. I'm not giving you any.

Mithra: I don't want anything but meat, anyway.

Akira: No, we're not here to eat… Owen, it's going to be your birthday soon, so I wanted to invite you to the Flowerfall Game Hall.

Owen: The Flowerfall Game Hall… Oh, that mini playground thing. An old friend of Shylock's made it a fancy place to play around in. I think.

Cain: If you already know about it, that'll make this faster. Akira wants to escort you there to celebrate your birthday. You can get there through this miniature of a door.

Akira: Will you accept my invitation, Owen? I'll escort you properly, so you can have a fun time and stuff…!

Owen: Hmmm. If I get to have fun there, does that mean I can mess it up as much as I want?

Akira: Huh?! Um, it's not mine, so I'd prefer if you didn't go wild in it…

Mithra: Munch. You might as well go.

Owen: Hey. You just took some of my fruit.

Mithra: There's not enough meat and I'm hungry. That little playground wasn't too bad of a place, you know. There was a place that I thought you might enjoy too, maybe. I only saw it while I was riding on horseback through the sky, though…

✦✧☾✧✦

According to Mithra, he'd seen what sounded like a European-style house standing in a dark corner of the grounds. It sounded a whole lot like some kind of scary haunted house-like attraction.

Cain: Now that you mention it, I think I saw a place like that too when we were high enough up. I remember thinking that just that one part of the park looked creepy and weird…

Owen: Oh? And here I was thinking it'd be nothing but kid's toys all lined up together.

Akira: (That's the kind of thing Owen's interested in…?!) Um… If you want to go there, I'd be happy to take you there! I'm a little scared of things like that, but I can ask Shylock about it and get ready for it…

Owen: You don't need to do that. Hey, how do we go to this Game Hall?

Akira: Oh, um, write your name on the invitation and then recite your spell, and the door will open. I do have an invitation already prepared…

I presented the invitation, and with a flourish of magic, Owen pulled a pen out from thin air and smoothly wrote his name down on it.

Akira: Huh?

Cain: What, you want to go there right now?

Owen: Might as well.

Owen grinned broadly at me and Cain, both of us wide-eyed.

Owen: There's nothing I love more than people's faces twisted in fear, screams ripped from their throats. <Cure Memini>

The invitation began to flicker with light, and the door to the Game Hall began to open. The entire area was draped in mist.

✦✧☾✧✦

When the mist cleared up, we were standing in a place that looked a lot like an amusement park, with rides all around us.

Akira: We're really just here now… But I'm glad you accepted my invitation, Owen. Thank you so much. That outfit suits you wonderfully.

Owen: I guess this outfit isn't horrible or anything. Even if it did put itself on me without permission.

One aspect of the Flowerfall Game Hall's hospitality was giving the person invited into it an outit that suited them perfectly.

Owen: More importantly. We don't need anything from the fluffy, frilly place. Where's that haunted house?

Akira: Ah, hold on…!

Owen was on his broom before I knew it, and I was left chasing after him. Before long, however, we arrived at the house we'd been told about.

Owen: So this is it.

Just as we'd heard, this was the only part of the park that the sun didn't reach, shrouding it in a sinister, unearthly air. There were even strange animal cries from something just out of sight.

Akira: This feels really…real… This is the only part of all the fancy scenery that feels out of place…

Owen: Why are you just standing there? Didn't you say you were going to escort me? I'm looking forward it. Come on, let's go in already.

Akira: O-okay…!

Owen pushed me forward, a faint smile dancing on his lips, and I tamped down all my fears and opened the door. The inside of the manor was even darker than it was outside, and there was an unpleasant chill in the air. My eyes darted back and forth over things I couldn't quite see as I took a single, fearful step forward.

Akira: It's pretty dark… Owen, be sure to watch your feet… …Huh? I feel like I just stepped on something soft…

Owen: It's just a bunch of fabric. Maybe someone's scattered clothing?

Akira: Oh, you're right. But whose clothes are these…?

As those words were coming out of my mouth, something wrapped around my ankle.

Akira: ?!

✦✧☾✧✦

I started to panic and looked down--and immediately met the eyes of a face staring at me from within the fabric confines of the fallen clothing. Its eye sockets were sunken and hollow, and its bones rasped hollowly against one another as it opened it mouth.

Skull: Wel…come…

Akira: Waugh!!

Owen: Ahaha. Aren't you so happy? It's welcoming you. Come on, we're still standing in the door. Don't just stand there looking stupid, get yourself in already.

Akira: D-don't push on me like that…wahh, those paintings are laughing!

I was surrounded on all sides by frightening phenomena, but I still pressed forward, timidly though it was. There was a blood-red door laying in wait for us at the end of this dark and decrepit hallway. Even its very form, the curves of its handle, the carvings in the wood, was ominous. I was on edge. More on edge than I'd ever been before.

Akira: Ahh… There's definitely something lurking behind this…

Owen: Are you scared?

Owen tilted his head, watching me carefully. His mismatched eyes gleamed with a dark light, one that threatened to swallow me up.

Owen: I'm having a lot of fun right now, you know. If you say you hate it here, are we going to turn back?

Akira: …N-no…it's fine…

And then I heard a sound from above us--and when I looked up, something was falling from the ceiling.

Akira: …Watch out!

Owen: !

The second after I grabbed Owen's hand and pulled him out of the way, several skeletons swung down from above us, hanging suspended in the air.

Akira: …Huh? I thought they were going to hit us…

Owen: …Ahaha! You were the one who told me to watch out. Should someone as cowardly as you be saying the one saying that here? …But that's a lovely expression on you. Pale, desperate, and completely pathetic.

Owen's face drew close to mine, like a snake scenting its prey. His voice was as sweet and heavy as honey as he slowly, slowly reached his hand towards me.

Owen: Let me see that face as much as I want today, okay?

With a smile as seductive as an anglerfish's lure, Owen pushed the bloody door at my back open.

✦✧☾✧✦

Akira: Haah… Haah… We're finally out…

Owen: Oh, that was odd. What was that last scream? I haven't even heard anything like that from a crazed hen.

Akira: But, but, a severed head rolled down the stairs, and it startled me…!

Owen: You're such a wimp. If you get so scared by everything that comes at you like that, you'll need an extra heart for when your first one gives out. Oh, what a laugh. Just remembering it is getting to me.

I could see tears in the corners of his eyes. It felt like his laughter was more…open and genuine than it usually was. All his defenses were down.

Akira: (I don't think I've ever seen Owen laughing like this before.) (It was a heck of an adrenaline rush, but I'm glad I committed to doing this…)

It was pretty scary, but I was still happy to see Owen enjoying himself from the bottom of his heart. It made me want to say it to him one more time.

Akira: …Happy birthday, Owen. I hope this year is a wonderful one for you.

Owen: …

When Owen turned his gaze to me, something white started falling from the sky.

Akira: Ah…

Owen: What is this. Flower petals?

When the Flowerfall Game Hall had satisfied the heart of the person who'd been invited into it, the exit door would open, and this rain of flower petals was the cue. We were wrapped in a pale mist, our vision fading to white.

✦✧☾✧✦

Mithra: Oh, they're back.

Cain: Woah, they are! Welcome home, you two.

It took hearing Mithra's voice for me to realize we were back in the dining hall. Cain rushed over to us, looking worried.

Cain: I was starting to get worried you'd never come back. Um…did everything go okay?

Akira: Ahaha. It did, somehow…

Owen: Hm?

Owen tilted his head to one side and looked me over.

Owen: They didn't come back with us. And they suited you so well.

Akira: What do you mean by "them"…?

Owen: You had so many hands gripping onto you. On your shoulders and your arms. Hands of bone, and hands of flesh and blood.

Akira: …What?! Y-you're kidding, right…?!

I felt the blood drain from my face as I swatted at my arms and shoulders to make sure nothing was there, but Owen just grinned at me, looking as satisfied as he would stuffing an extra helping of dessert into his mouth.

Owen: Well now. Who knows?

Sub Story: The Whereabouts of the Stolen Meat

Akira: Oh, good evening, Owen. I see you're eating alone tonight.

Owen: What do you mean, "tonight".

Akira: When I came to give you the invitation to the Flowerfall Game Hall a while ago, you were eating with Mithra… I feel like I see the two of you together a lot.

Owen: That's just coincidence. That time he was only there because he was trying to steal the fruits off my fruit tart. So the next day I stole the meat he was going to have for dinner as payback and we almost killed each other about it. It's not like I'm ever around him because I want to be.

Akira: You two do tend to try to kill each other if you're around each other for too long…

Owen: Well, you know how it is. But about when we tore a hole in the roof, the twins suddenly popped out. They said whoever started it was the one in the wrong, so Mithra was the only one who got lectured about it. And he made that face he always does when he's like, "Hahh?" It was so funny.

Akira: Ahaha… That sounds like a very lively dinner. By the way, did you eat the meat that you stole, Owen? Although I honestly can't really picture you eating that kind of thing…

Owen: I would have, but the idea of eating something Mithra had been rubbing his grubby hands all over is disgusting. Who knows where he's been and what he's been touching. So I gave it to Sir Knight.

Akira: You gave it to Cain?

Owen: Yep. It's more like I forced it on him, actually. Like how you throw stuff into the trash? Like that. It's what he's there for. He gave me some sweets from a new shop in the capital as thanks. He acts all upright and proper about the weirdest things.

Akira: (He says that, but he looks pretty happy about it…) (Knowing he enjoyed himself at the Game Hall and that he had another good day right after makes me happy too, though.)

[fellow-queer-birdguy]

Really long ramble about ahead!! feel free to read! (also there's a TLDR at the end)

The reason why I feel like I can't get a "better" mobility aid (I really want forearm crutches since the cane doesn't feel like it's enough stability and support anymore) is because I'm scared of walking "too comfortably". Now, I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as walking "too comfortably", there's no reason for me to feel bad about wanting to walk without pain, but I do anyway?

I mainly think this thought process comes from internalised ableism (example; "that person is using a mobility aid! they are being lazy!")and it makes it really hard for me to even use my cane because it makes me feel like I'm a faker and I'm just "lazy". None of which is true. I just want to walk so that I'm not in pain!

And every time I remember people usually aren't in pain when they walk I realise just how much I need support and help. The fact that the majority of people around me see walking as an usual and worry-free activity while every time I have to go somewhere I worry about if I'll be in pain and how badly it's going to affect my week. It's very exhausting (And this is not even mentioning all the other symptoms I have).

I really miss when, a few years ago, I was able to run around and walk long distances. heck, I was even in a long distance jogging class in school. And now I can't really do that. It feels really weird, almost like grief. And I wish people would take me more seriously when I say stuff, but also, I have such a hard time understanding that what I am experiencing is not normal and that causes me to not take myself seriously, and I guess that also fuels the internalised ableism I'm dealing with.

I look at people around me with envy and awe. Everything they do is easy for them, their not in pain all the time and when they do have pain a simple pain killer helps. It all just feels so unfair.

I do need help and support from the people in my life, but I'm just so scared I'll be looked at differently or seen as weak. Or that they don't understand how much this unexplained disability is affecting my life. I personally don't think I even fully understand.

But I do understand that I need to speak up and explain to doctors what I'm dealing with so that they can help me. I'm just so scared, I'm not used to being listened to. I'm not even going to talk about how hard it is when I try to tell anything to my mom.

And then it gets even more complex when I think about it just going away and then I'll be "back to normal". At this point I'm so used to being in pain that the thought of not being is scary. I hope it makes sense. I do hate being in pain, but it's my every day life. I don't think there is a "magic solution" to it, but some people around me seem to think that. And I hate being wrong, so if one of the solutions would actually "cure" me I would feel so bad for not doing it earlier. I have no idea if there's a word for this experience but I have a feeling it's related to my autism.

But yeah, I general I just feel so much about my physical wellbeing right now, since I'm soon turning 18 and then everything will start to cost money. Also I've been thinking about this years pride event, I've been worrying since last year because we had to stand for almost 3 hours last year. I could still manage then, but I don't know if I could manage now.

I am really thankful for the community here on Tumblr for being so supportive and feeling like a home.

TLDR; I feel like I can't walk pain free or get a "better" mobility aid because of internalised ableism. Also I grief all the things I can't do anymore and how unfair that feels. And I'm aware of how badly I need to tell my doctors about everything. also I'm afraid of being "magically healed" even though I know it's probably not possible at this point and I'm so used to my pain. I'm soon turning 18 and I don't know how bad or good my situation is going to be by then. AKA too much stuff is happening in my life right now.

I think I've rambled enough now, thanks for reading.

[ghoulangerlee]

Your dnd characters 👀

i will always be down to talk about my d&d boys!!!

I don't....actually have actual photos of them because I cannot draw, and so they live vividly in my mind. I Will Eventually commission someone to draw them though I think. ANYWAY.

Jamir - he's a half-dead (as in, that is his race, homebrewed myself) ranger who isn't wise enough to multiclass (his death took away some of his wisdom). He was human before his death--not the best sort of human, joined the army at a young age because that's all he could do, really. His parents well. He made a deal with someone not so nice and in exchange for their souls, he gained the ability to perform magic; simple things though, nothing too crazy. A few cantrips here and there.

Along the way, the faction of soldiers he's with are sent out to aid a dragonborn clan that's having issues of their own with infighting.

This is where he meets Elias, eventually, and they hit it off pretty much immediately. Jamir is of course, jaded all the hell, he's been fighting for half his life in an army of soldiers who just seem to be making things worse.

Elias gives him a way out, a chance at freedom, because Elias was also looking to somehow distance himself from all the fighting. They make a pact to leave together.

Until Elias's brother Arjhan catches wind of this and kills Jamir.

I can't go too much into Elias's backstory because I haven't delved much into it during the campaign and ofc both my players follow me here haha! But, Elias takes Jamir's body and finds a necromancer, makes a deal with her to bring Jamir back.

She readily agrees and makes sure he understands the consequences of this, of what could happen. The possibilities of Jamir coming back wrong.

Elias accepts these consequences readily.

And he does, of course, come back wrong. He's no longer human, smells of rot and decay and has to constantly drink potions to keep his skin from looking too pale. He has aches and pains despite being practically unkillable now. But, along with his new chance at life, he's also gained more access to magic.

Elias [Redacted] is a dragonborn paladin (he has a family name ofc but it's unknown for now, for a good reason)

is the son of a monarch, a clan leader, and he hates it. His clan is constantly at war with each other, with other dragonborn. with humans. you name it, they have a distrust of most other races, for good reason of course.

Long ago, a curse was placed on this clan, meaning that any children born to them would die. There is no known way to reverse this, until, one day, Elias's brother Arjhan was born.

Arjhan, he had not succumbed to the curse, and no one knows why, but this makes Arjhan a very popular target.

Elias had, for years, felt like he had to protect his brother from anyone. From the weird scientists and magic folk that their father had hired to test Arjhan to see if there was something about his blood that made him different, to the older kids that the two of them grew up around.

Arjhan was, in a way, viewed as the savior of the clan, much to the distaste of Elias.

The campaign actually begins with Elias and Jamir recruiting people to help them find Arjhan haha. At this point in time, there is still no cure to the curse and Arjhan is practically hated by the party (minus Elias and begrudgingly, Jamir--but also like wouldn't u also hate the person who killed you???)

ANYWAY. Elias and Jamir are in love, they are my mid-thirties baby boys who are just tired soldiers who want to rest their head somewhere but can't because they keep getting pulled into bullshit!

(also if you vaguely guessed that Elias's family story sounds eerily like the Krogan Genophage from Mass Effect then u would be correct. Elias is based on Wrex and Jamir is based on male Shepard but with a lil gay twist LMAO)

[mongoose-bite]

fic writer interview @nevermindirah tagged me! Thank you, Happy New Year :3

I'm tagging @thana-topsy @baratrongirl @amazinmango @raindrop-rouge, but only if you want to, no obligation.

How many works do you have on AO3?

83.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,369,970

There you go, substantially more than a million words, for the sheer love of it.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Fuck: My Life Nearly 190k of eruriren porn star AU. Of course it's my top fic.

These Weren't Memories ereri canonverse, written after the first season. It's old, and I don't like all of it, but it's a classic of the ship as I tried to make it work as close to canon as I could.

Neither Tarnished Nor Afraid ereri, and the first true AU I ever wrote. It's a weird police procedural, and I think it's up there just because it's old and has had more time to accumulate kudos to be honest.

The Beneficent Gentleman Finally a non-snk fic. Kingsman, hartwin, and my only epistolary story, loosely based on the novel Daddy Long-Legs, and I'm quite proud of how it turned out.

Flight (When None Pursueth) And we're back to ereri; it was just the biggest ship I ever sailed. This was my serious take on a reincaration AU, and it was not fluffy.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Usually I do now, but back in the heyday of the SNK fandom I rarely did, cause there were just a lot of them. I responded to long ones or ones that asked a question. I also think the culture has changed on it too; ten years ago it was much less expected for authors to respond to generic 'i liked it!' comments, but as comments have dried up overall, it's become more common.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

If There is a Cure Skyrim fic. Delphine/Dragonborn, and there is no happy ending.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

95% of all my other fics tbh.

7. Do you write crossovers?

I don't enjoy crossovers. I wrote one tiny Ojisan to Neko/Persona 5 fic that probably would have been funnier as fanart, but I can't draw.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Ooh yeah, back in the day on ff.net in the early 2000's I had a guy get all caps on me cause I paired the PC of a game with an older woman, and a few others that were clearly designed to sap my confidence, presumably because I was writing the wrong ship.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Consensual.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I'm aware.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yeah a few times. Very flattering. I even had a translator pass on translated comments once.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes but it's rare. Honestly I've only ever met one person with whom I really clicked as a collaborator. That was a long time ago, and we do very different things now. It's fucking magic if you can find the right person though.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Ereri is not my current interest, but it really was something special. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever write like it's 2014 again...

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I don't have one. The only fic I never finished I abandoned completely.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Description; I can do a lot with few details.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sloppy editing, repetitive phrasing, (a symptom of the former) and the pacing on long serialised fics can get very baggy.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Keep it to a minimum. If you don't need it, don't use it. It's more trouble than it's worth (I'm wearing my reader's hat for this one; my eye will just skip over it.)

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Morrowind.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

There isn't one. I've missed fandom a lot over the past few years, and if I'd wanted to write something I would have.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

My Old Friend. It's barely a fic, really. A man goes back to his hometown to bury his abusive uncle and reconnects with the father of his childhood friend, on whom he had a powerful but obviously unrequited crush on as a teenager. I had to string together a bunch of unrelated prompts as part of an event, and it just turned out really well. I'm proud of it.

[journey-to-the-attic]

thot..... its unlikely ik gets out of seven sin things in a row totally fine right? hear me out. what if being in all their inner worlds like that 'stained' her with their sins somehow. so ik gets like an overload of the entire thing?

idk im just rlly over mc constantly and thanklessly doing the most for the brothers in nb so i want ik to get some of that good hurt/comfort too 😭

i really can't tell if you're calling me a thot or if that's your way of writing 'thought'... but, anyway-

yess [rubbing hands together evilly] this is good fodder for angst!! i think it could mix with the idea that being in the past is also taking a toll on her in a more direct and tangible way - like mc and solomon beginning to lose their magic (though... they seem to have forgotten about that in recent lessons??)

i feel like what happened with lucifer during his own Sin Thing probably was a triggering factor... i've said before that ik just kinda goes through nb with a very "fuck it we ball" attitude, because the only way she can cope with the stress of the whole situation is to be super happy-go-lucky about it - and it's been alright so far, because the brothers have taken well to her, but it's not like there aren't moments (especially early on) where she's treated kinda poorly

it'll be better by the time the sin stuff all happens, but all the same ik's kind of on her last nerve, so lucifer snapping on her is just the last straw. of course, at the time, she managed to pull herself together long enough to resolve the situation - and lucifer did immediately go "shit" and start trying to salvage things - but then things kinda got lost with lucifer being 'cured', so i don't think ik really recovered

the 'sin staining' thing is a super cool idea! it makes sense too, since i see the brothers 'inner worlds' as a sort of snapshot of their soul at that point - their deepest thoughts made physical - so it makes sense that ik would be affected by entering them during the Sin Stuff, since i figure there'd be high concentrations of that dark energy or something

i'm not yet completely sure on how her symptoms would manifest, though... i imagine all seven sins combining would make for an absolute mess of emotions, so when she crashes, she crashes hard. might be an opportunity for her to just go genuinely unhinged - constant swinging between moods, between painful clarity, where she's begging for help, and incoherent delirium, where she's so lost in her own head that she doesn't know the difference between hurting herself and taking care of herself

she gets a concentrated dose of each other the brothers' own emotions that led to their own Sin Thing (which i shall henceforth call their singularity, aren't i clever), which would mix with her own anguish about being trapped in the wrong time - plus she'd probably be beating herself up for being 'ungrateful, or else about the sort of things the seven deadly sins would make you think

solomon would probably have to just put her to sleep for her own safety.... i don't think the brothers could just pull the same inner world trick ik used to help them, either, because it's not just an ik thing, it's also all of THEIR things interfering and corrupting her mind. barbatos could do some weird time magic maybe????

[wetcatspellcaster]

Honest Lie - 6, 22, 25

6. What do you need to write? Is there anything special you need to do/have to help your creative flow?

Honestly, this is an interesting question for this fic specifically, bc my writing usually comes from a place of... pure fucking spite lmao. If there's something I don't like enough, I want to fix it (in Bleeding Heart, it was all the early access bullying lol). An Honest Lie is weird because I actually really like the Astarion canon storyline - though I can't speak for patches. So in this case, what I need to write, is a few weeks of getting depressed from my angsty as fuck AU, and then I come here to be cosy and promise my OC the world :')

22. Does personal experience ever inspire your fics? What about this particular fic?

Crying. killshot.

The fun thing about me, is that I don't consider any of my OCs self-inserts or related to me at all(this is no judgement to self-insert OCs, I simply do not consider myself hot enough to hold a candle to the imaginary women in my brain and thus, I admire anyone with the confidence).

...And then I go into therapy, and my therapist asks me about my writing, and then they give me a long hard look and I say "oh, no, I get that look, but it's not me, you see. because this girl is hot :) and pink :)". And then my therapist looks at me some more.

which is a bit of an overshare, but basically it turns out that every fic I write can be archaeologically surveyed about a year after I write it for the personal experience it actually entails (yes, I'm extremely worried about Pieces).

luckily, Rosalie is 2yrs old, so I have done that work already! and oh boy, does that make writing An Honest Lie fucking weird at times!

I've been pretty open that Rose was my pandemic OC. I didn't write her based on my own pandemic experiences - it was actually that two of my friends at the time were agoraphobic, I was anxious, and I liked the idea of a magical cure for both of those things, in the form of the tadpole. But since I wrote the first fic with her, I have realised a lot about myself: I have recovered from an acute self-hating depression, and I have received an autism diagnosis, all of which seem relevant to the Masker Extraordinaire.

If I was to pinpoint the exact piece of personal experience here, I think it's the irrational fear that all recovery can be undone in an instant. That is the worry that motivates a lot of Rosalie's character. Like Rose, I really fear the moment where my progress is exposed as a lie, or the risk that one thing will tip me back into my worst moment without me having any control over it. I don't think it will happen, but I do feel like that possibility haunts my choices and my everyday life!

25. Is there anything you would change about this fic? Why/Why not?

Weirdly... I'm not sure if I'd write it? which is a depressing way to answer this question. I like it as a project, but it's a little different than my approach to other fics - it feels messier as a story. I mostly started it bc people asked for a continuation of my first fic, and I have a lot of love for A Bleeding Heart... neither of these are good motivations for a whole new fic lmaooooo. But now that I'm here, I wouldn't change anything. I've accepted it's going to be a messier, more self-indulgent project, and that while it doesn't come from my usual urge to fix things in a story, which means I have less prompts going forward, instead I just have to fully enjoy the bits I love.

behind the scenes fic asks!

[ambloom]

I wanna get into precure, do you have a fav or ome you think people should start with?

Ye!! I want to preface this by saying Precure is basically a collection of advertisements to sell children toys, but it's fun head empty activity if you like magical girl stuff. I think it's best to just scroll through the Wikipedia page and pick whichever one looks the most interesting to you, but I'll talk about the ones I like and dislike below:

1. Heartcatch

My favorite season. Great characters, art, feels so incredibly full of love. Character design is by Yoshihiko Umakoshi (Magical Doremi). The stylized animation really adds to the fight scenes. I've seen a lot of trans girls resonate with a particular character and it's fun to keep that headcanon in mind when watching. Theme song plays in my head everyday.

2. Hirogaru Sky

The newest season. Really easy to get into and features a lot of firsts in the series such as a blue main cure, first magical boy on the main team, and adult cure on the main team (she's only 18 though lol). I just wish the fight scenes were more punch-y since the protagonist, Sora, is an athlete.

3. Kirakira Pretty Cure a la Mode

This one is hated by a lot of people because there's no hand to hand combat, but I feel like it more than makes up for that with the characters and general bubbly vibe. Has a budget Haruka/Michiru cat girl x dog girl couple for the yuri fans. I never skip the transformations.

4. Futari wa Pretty Cure

The original. Fight scenes only went down in quality after it imo. Really distinctive among magical girl shows.

5. Fresh Precure

The art isn't really up to par with other entries, but if you don't mind that it has a character who really tugs at the heartstrings. Invented the concept of a mid season cure (cure joins halfway through) and no one else has done it like her. Truly believe she suffered more than Jesus.

Others I recommend are Star Twinkle, Tropical Rogue, and Suite.

As for the ones I'm like... Eh about..

Go! Princess is a fan favorite. It has a nice storybook feel, dynamic fight scenes occasionally, and the transformations are stunning. But as an Utena fan it felt weird to watch them go "no it's okay to want to be a princess actually! princesses can be strong too!" Very annoying message to see be sent to kids to buy products lol

Yes 5... There are two episodes I think are like the best in this franchise and then the rest was ruined by a chipmunk I wish was roadkill. The romance is between the protagonist and her teacher (who also happens to be the mascot character lol). It's the season that got a sequel that's currently airing with the cast all grown up, but they had to bring that ugly flea-ridden fuck back.

Huggto. The thing is I was spoiled for this and it was a spoiler that made my neurons kind of short circuit so I decided it definitely was not for me.

Sorry, I know I rambled a bit but I hope you have fun! (Disclaimer that this is just my opinion, I'm aware it's a kids show for kids in case green cure anon is following me)

[where-are-the-spooky-gays-2]

Have I talked about Skyrim au? Probably. I know I've at least mentioned it. Anywho. I'd say I'll be brief but I'm laughing at myself. Me? Brief? No way

Remus — Remus is a part of the Dark Brotherhood. They are ! assassins ! He specializes in contracts that are meant to send a message to the general public and he's kind of weird. A bit like Cicero but even Cicero says there's something off about him. He fits in extremely well though and it satiates his blood lust enough for him to actually chill the hell out the rest of the time.

Roman — Roman is a part of the Companions! They are a warriors guild and he has proven himself to be one of the best among them. A true shield-brother! He's also a werewolf in the inner circle (a fact of which Remus is extremely jealous) and he always plays the hero for whatever they have to do.. which is good because its the schtick. Clearing bounties, picking bandits off the roads, whatever. He's up for it.

Logan — Logan is a professor at the College Of Winterhold! I'm going to pretend there is more storyline to the College and actual classes because I love mage Logan and he deserves love!! He actually kind of hates that it's freezing there but he wants to learn more magic so he does. I love him and he is babey. I'm on a Logan kick rn.

Patton — Patton attends the Bards College in Solitude. He learns to play instruments and he travels. Why? Honestly, I just really like the idea of someone thinking he's a stupid bard but he has gossip from across Skyrim and will break his lute on someone's head if he needs to. I don't want to push Innocent Useless Patton; he's a deadly bitch. And bards aren't usually deadly in Skyrim so I'm changing things for him <3

Virgil — Virgil is a vampire in Clan Volkihar but he's often on the roads instead. He's not a big fan of the leader of the clan (Harkon when I catch you Harkon) and was actually friends with his daughter Serana before she went missing (to his knowledge). He was originally a member of the Dawnguard (vampire hunters) but he contracted vampirism and couldn't cure it in time. He treats it as a "you ever have one of those days where this might as well happen?" thing.

Janus — Janus is a thief in the Thieves Guild in Riften. I have been waiting for this. He is one of the best thieves they've got and he's cocky about it. He's basically Vex, except that he's actually better at pickpocketing and sneaking into places. He's also a fence, which means anything stolen that he's given he'll turn around and sell for a profit. He's immensely cocky but it's for a good reason.

Thomas — Dragonborn. Just some dude who turned out to be Dragonborn and is now travelling and oh god, why does he have to meet such interesting people?

Anyway they all know each other. Virgil and Janus are exes, Patton and Logan grew up together, the twins see each other like once in a blue moon but Remus occasionally tries to kill Roman for the fun of it (it's practice!), and I love them all dearly. I'm actually replaying Skyrim so !! Yippee !! I have something to base all this on :D

— 👑

Fucking D E V O U R I N G this I L O V E L O V E L O V E it S O fucking much!!! Assassin!Ree, Werewolf!Ro, Mage!Lo, B A D A S S Bard!Patt, Vamp!Vee, Thief!Jan, A N D Character!Thomas in AUs rep??? Sign me the F U C K up holy shit I N E E D it!!!

[tadpolejourney]

Day 5

The situation at the grove is tense to say the least. The druids are doing some sort of religious rite to close the grove to outsiders because they're afraid of monsters and goblins. They mean to leave the tieflings to die. They don't care that there are elderly and children among them, nor do they care what they've had to endure to get here.

Kagha is cruel and dangerous, ready to murder a child over a wooden idol. The druids are cowardly and even those who oppose her in private will not act against her. I offered to find Halsin, their real leader, in the hopes that will keep them from doing something foolish. Zevlor, the tiefling leader, thought me a murderer for hire, and wants me to kill Kagha. No thanks. I really hope I can find Halsin alive and keep those tiefling kids safe. I've made a huge mistake and gotten attached to them. I know their names.

Nettie, the druid healer, tried to murder me rather than cure me. I knocked her out, and I hope no other desperate infected crosses her path.

I met a bard named Alfira, helped her finish a song. The cat's out of the bag... they know I'm Calypso now. None of them have met me before or seen me on stage though, so that saves me the embarrassment of not remembering yet another person in a sea of faces and single-serve encounters. She seemed star-struck but wasn't too weird about it, which I appreciated. She has a lot of potential from what I can tell. A very sweet heart, with a sweet voice to match. She seems like she could nurture the talent in others if she wanted to.

Shortly after meeting Alfira, a cambion appeared to us. Offering a cure for the infection. Raphael, he calls himself. Took us to his House of Hope, used a lot of bad poetry and threats as a sales pitch. Typical devilry, 0 stars, did not purchase. He's just as full of shit as any other devil, and I refuse to give him what he wants. I'm betting he knows nothing about Mephisto and I. He better watch himself if he knows what's good for him.

We saved a tiefling boy from a pack of harpies. Actually the toughest fight we've had yet. He wrote a story about me. Sweet kid.

Still not entirely sure what Gale's deal is. He complimented me with one sentence, and then proceeded to fully overshadow his compliment with a long declamation of self-aggrandizement and boasting about his superior magical prowess. So strange.

I went to speak to him at camp tonight and he was staring longingly at a conjured image of Mystra. I can tell there's more than just religious devotion there; it seemed like intense obsession. We talked of magic and channeled the Weave together. I've felt the sensations of magic before, naturally, but this was more powerful and more practiced than I could ever be. I finally got a glimpse of just how powerful of a wizard he was before this mess. Channeling the Weave was intimate, sensual, but safe. It didn't matter that it felt safe; it was too intimate for me and I could feel myself starting to panic. However, that anxiety was completely overpowered by my wanting. I had to make serious, concerted effort to hide how I was feeling. It felt like my heart was pounding so hard, surely he must have heard it. I kept trying to remind myself that I can't trust this man, that he's hiding something major, he's full of himself, he's obsessed with a goddess, etc. I tried to give myself a million reasons why my feelings in that moment should not be acted upon. But it was as though I were completely deaf to my own wisdom, fear, and reason. I conjured the image and feeling of what I thought it would be like to kiss him. Being that close to him, it was as though there was so much heat. I've felt chemistry with people, attraction, wanting, all familiar territory. This felt like drowning in a bonfire. I watched his face, and it flickered quickly from shock to contemplation to something indescribable.

I've realized why he annoys me so much. It's because I want him. It annoys me that I feel this way when we've only just met. He didn't refuse me. He told me what I conjured was 'most welcome'. But nothing happened either. UGH

I think I have everyone else pretty much figured out. I don't think Lae'zel has any secrets whatsoever. The Blade of Frontiers and Shadowheart still have their secrets of course, but the nature of their characters is clear to me. They would both be difficult to get close to, but for entirely different reasons. Wyll (he does have a real name after all) is all about the cause, the mission. He will entertain very little else. Still, he's courteous and kind which is more than I can say for the vast majority of people I've met. I trust him for the most part. Still think he has something serious going on, which I can't place full trust in anyone who has something that big to hide. Shadowheart is simply determined to keep everyone away from her, and she is rude and abrasive to accomplish that. I don't think I'll try anymore. Maybe she'll come around, or maybe she'll just be an asshole the entire journey. If that's the case we can hope it's a short one.

I'm pretty sure Astarion's only real secret was being a vampire spawn. He opened up to me about the situation he was in before the infection. His old master Cazador was so horrible to him that he'd actually take the devil's deal rather than go back. I don't know details but I don't need to. I could see it in his eyes. I wonder if he could tell just how well I understood. I feel as though I now know him best out of everyone, which is unexpected. He's fun, and I like him. He stole a book from the tiefling kids for me because he noticed I'd been collecting that particular series of books and hoped to find a full set. While it was sweet and all, I told him not to make a habit of stealing from children, but to feel free to steal whatever he can get away with from rich people, assholes, and monsters. He's treating me with what I believe to be equal parts placation, flirtation, and intimation. I understand that pattern of relating very well. It's what I've done to protect myself in the past too. I won't take him seriously unless I have cause or occasion to do so. It's fun to be flirted with by a beautiful man. So long as he doesn't cross any lines, I'll be fine. She says with little confidence. Anyway, when you're staring death in the face all the time and you're surrounded by other people who think little of you (some of whom are openly hostile towards you), hearing sweet words that make you feel special feels really nice. Even if they're lies.

I finally got sheet music thanks to Alfira. I can start writing out Act V! Maybe if I can bring myself to stop writing about my companions I'll be able to get this work done.

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