#what helps you calling on all autists for tips and tricks

[soryualeksi]

In all seriousness for once, any other autists / nd folks out there, prefereably with autist / nd kids? Having any suggestions on how to get my 4-years-old son to tolerate ANY medical examination at all?

Because in theory I would have to do a Covid test on him, but there’s no way I’m getting the swab in his mouth.

Taking a temperature in any way? Refusal. Letting doctors check inside his mouth / ears / eyes? Rarely possibly, with lots of convincing and a lot of time. Basically, he is VERY uncomfortable with all medical examinations and his reaction to things that make him uncomfortable is avoiding (understandable), running away, stiffing his body in some corner, refusing to move at all and eventually screaming himself into a meltdown...

I don’t want to override his bodily autonomy and FORCE him into medical examinations, BUT medical intervention to assure his health are also the one line I draw where I say “In this case I can and WILL override your will if I have to, because it is my responsibility as your parent to keep you save.” It’s the one thing I am, reluctantly, willing to force him into if I have to. But I wish I didn’t HAVE to. Because it’s BAD to override his own autonomy over his body and it makes him feel bad and also I’m scared it will traumatize him in the long run. (It doesn’t happen often, just so I’m not being creepy / callous. It’s actually VERY rare I force him and it’s ALWAYS about serious health issues. Think “can’t breathe because lungs full of infectious slime” that has to be treated.)

So any ideas, any ideas at all, how to get him to, you know, want to “comply” on his own? Because I’m reaching a bit of mental breaking point here from the stress of one kid with Covid and now trying to get the other kid to at least let me take ONE GODDAMN MOUTH SWAB. And for the future, I can’t always have “how the FUCK am I gonna get him to get examined and treated without it being a potentially traumatizing disaster with lots of screaming and crying”.

What would / did help you / your kids / kids you know with getting less uncomfortable and scared of medical procedures? Because it’s a very specific issue and I’m just. Drawing a blank. I guess because I can’t really make out what makes ME tolerate this kind of stuff, but in my case I think it’s because medical stuff is my special interest and I’m weird about it?

I just want to be able to take a temperature or do a goddamn Covid swab from the mouth without everything being horrible. 

[animal-lover-forever]

Guys, I need advice.

(Putting a 'Keep reading' because there's a lot to read.)

My dad, I do love him... at least I think I do. Recently I've been wondering if this is true love I feel for him, or if it's love that I've been trained to feel.

When I was 12- well actually I was 11 but it was Sep. 19th- I moved in with my dad (Andrew) and stepmom (Amy) because my mom couldn't handle me anymore and desperately needed a break.

As a child with late diagnosed Autism, I couldn't get help to understand the world from professionals. Because of this, a lot of people didn't understand me, and I was often in a meltdown. It was pretty much guaranteed that I would at least have one meltdown if not 3+ a day.

Most of these meltdowns were at school. Why? Well, my body was essentially always in flight or fight mode- which is a big reason I didn't start making and keeping memories until I was a teen. But we will come back to this- when it came down to it, I would try flight first. I would often run into a closet at school but the teachers never liked that. "She can't be unsupervised." "There are things in there, like scissors, that she could get into and we can't have that." Because of this, they would often physically grab me and drag me out.

All Autistic people are different, but a lot of us show similar things, do similar things, and have similar triggers, ticks, and coping tricks. So here's a pro tip for interacting with someone with Autism. Do not touch us! Be sure to ask before you give us a hug, or a pat on the back, etc. A lot of us don't like to be touched, and touching us might just make things worse. Yes, it is human nature to want to touch someone who's not feeling well, who's sad or mad just so we can try to make them feel better. But do yourself, and them a favor by asking first!

Anyway, because they would grab me and drag me out, I was forced into fight mode. I would often try to run out of the room, but they often stopped me. And I hate feeling trapped! No, I do not have claustrophobia. I actually kinda like small spaces, hence the closets. But when I lock myself in a room, I feel safe. When someone else locks me in a room, I feel trapped. It doesn't matter how big the room is, if someone is keeping me in there, I feel trapped.

This was a recurring problem. And day after day, I wore my mom down and broke her. Because of my meltdowns, everyone around me would often leave. But my mom? She never did; she was always by my side no matter what... Until she wasn't. I was starting another meltdown, and my mom was threatening to call the cops on me because she was done. I didn't believe her; why would the one person who stayed by my side for 11 years suddenly leave me? But she did. They were going to put me in a mental hospital. My mom told my dad this, and he came down to get me.

My dad then proceeded to have me until I was 16. Because once I was 16, I made the decision to leave to go back to my mom for good.

He has three daughters, but I'm the only one to talk to him let alone be 500 feet around him. None of his family will talk to him, and if they do, it's a fight about something. I think the last time he talked with any of his family was about 4 years ago and it was a fight. His sister had died and he was fighting with his other sister over the phone. I am his only family besides Amy. So if Amy leaves, I'm the only one left.

My dad is broken. He has diabetes, heart and back problems, and many other things. He's not broken enough to not just sit on his ass all day. Yet that's what he says. He can't get a job because he can't sit for too long, he can't stand for too long, he can't drive, or walk for too long! He can't do anything for too long. But that's all he does all day is sit.

He often had me doing chores, okay fine, that's normal. But then he would start me on a new chore, like mowing the lawn. He said that we would take turns mowing every other time. But then he got sick and said that I had to do it but when he got better he would come back to help. But he never did. "You need to learn responsibility, so do it yourself."

I went from doing one chore to doing them all. I had to do the dishes, sweep the floor, mop the floor, take out the trash, clean up all the dog poop, vacuum the floor, rake the leaves, pick up all the bad apples that fell from the tree, scoop the dog poop outside, mowing the lawn, cleaning the lawn mower after mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the living room. Over time, my dad put all of his chores on me. I was no longer his daughter that was a resident in his home, but an object that my dad could use to get the chores done so he could fuck off all day. I had more chores than how old I was! And if I didn't do them right, I got yelled at.

He would often talk me down and be a dick to me. "Baby girl, you're fat. I'm not fat-shaming, I'm just telling you the truth, you're fat." He would say as he was fat-shaming me. "I'm teaching you life lessons! The world is full of assholes!" He would say as he was being the asshole. And he was big on manipulation.

I had separation anxiety from my mom. So I called her all the time. Especially once I moved in with my dad. However, over time, my separation anxiety went away, so I started to call and talk to her less and less near the end. Now that I'm with my mom again, I don't talk with my dad unless he starts the conversation. And the conversation always starts with "Why the fuck am I having to hunt you down again? You talked to your mom all the time! Why don't you talk to me?" Not true, near the end, my mom had to 'hunt me down' too.

He loves me, that I am sure of. He just doesn't know how to show it without hurting me. "You know I love you, Dax, right?" "Yeah, I know. I love you too, dad." "You know you're my favorite, baby girl, right?" "Yeah, I know. You tell me all the time."

When I think back on it, I have no happy memories of my dad. I have some that start out happy, but they all end in disaster at some point.

I-... I feel like I should cut contact with him. But I don't know if I should. If I do, what will he do to get contact back with me? Will he resent me because the last of his family- his daughter- left him? I honestly don't know what to do... Does anyone have advice? Do you guys think I should stay in contact with my dad? Or do you think I should drop contact with him?

[icequeen1371]

When you’re a child with autism, you have counsellors and therapy and teachers at school in certain classes that help you adapt and accommodate and help you with tips and tricks to get around your triggers or work through your triggers, or find the root cause of your triggers to try and hack them.

When you’re an adult diagnosed with autism, you go through your entire life, quite hard, not knowing why everything is a struggle, but you do , in a way, adapt and find coping mechanisms and skills, because after all, you still have to become an adult and live up to Neurotypical expectation.*Insert eye roll here.*.

However, when you’re an older teen, or a young adult, being diagnosed with autism is even more difficult than either one. You have no longer have any supports. No therapy, no counselors, no help at school. And if you’re just starting out in life as a young adult, no help. But yet you still have all these triggers and things that set you off and meltdowns and you have no help to figure out why. You have no coping mechanisms in place to help you deal with life and becoming an adult. It’s hard. You feel lost.

My 19-year-old just had a meltdown over my turning on the shower to try to get her to get in, instead of her usual three hour motivational scrolling to get herself ready. We took a minute for her to compose herself. While she calmed down, I thought of the dripping water on her shoulders that she doesn’t like, and her hair dripping, and that I used to give her baths as a child and she loves them, but I had the water in the bathtub first and the water was turned off when I called her in to get in it. Ok. She doesn’t like the sound of the rushing water either. So…a shower must feel like an attack to her and she didn’t put the puzzle pieces together herself since being diagnosed a few months ago. And maybe…hmm….

I asked her what she thought of the theory… She said she’ll try a bath, so I ran the water, without her in the room, she got in the water quietly washed, got out of the tub, I emptied the water for her, and it was no fuss, no muss, except for the water dripping down her back, which the addition of an extra towel helped with. Trimming her very long hair will help that in the future as well. I’ll give her some time to proceeds that change. I don’t think she’ll be able to live on her own until she has coping mechanisms in place or learns to ask for help more frequently, if at all. She’s very solitary person, and believes that she does not need help or deserve it. She shuts down a lot when things get hard and isolates. I don’t think that living on her own would be mentally healthy for her. Not yet. But also though, the expectations of young adults moving out on their own and starting their lives… It’s a pressure that a lot of kids have. But it’s OK to stay at home. If you have the support there, why not? If it’s going to make your life easier, why not? And as I said, if you have the support in place, then that’s a good thing! Use that to your advantage to prepare yourself appropriately. Don’t force yourself into a situation that’s gonna make things harder for you, when things are hard enough as it is. And I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about pull up your boot straps or your big girl underwear or it’s time to suck it up… That’s just harsh ass bullshit from people that want others to suffer the way they had to. I’m not here for that.

It’s a different way to help your autistic child/young adult to prepare for the world. To be able to regulate themselves in it, maneuver within it & handle themselves. But what it doesn’t do is put extra pressure, stress or expectations on your child/young adult when there doesn’t need to be. Let them know they can stay longer. They don’t have to leave. It’s at whatever pace they want. But please don’t just toss your autistic young adult out of the best without helping them figure out the tools they’ll need to navigate the severely neurotypical often unaccommodating world while teaching them that it is 100% okay to ask for help and proper accommodation for their disability. It’s also not a failure to realize that in some cases, their disability makes it too hard to try and fit into the neurotypical workplace. And that’s okay too. I know it’s a grieving process, to grieve the “normal“ life you grow up, hoping to have, it’s upsetting even at 52 to realize you’ll never have that. Preparing your child. Either way is always the best. Please don’t treat your autistic child like a Neurotypical one and set them up for failure by expecting them to fit into Neurotypical world. That will lead to over masking, which is so detrimental to their mental health. Don’t be the reason why your child fails.

[a-disaster-of-literature]

The autism spectrum

Many people have the wrong idea about the autism spectrum. They think it's a separate group of autistic people with no overlap with "normal" people. That if you have autism you just end up somewhere on the spectrum. And that it doesn't matter where. As if the spectrum was separate from all the others without autism. As if it were like this:

wears always wears never socks dosen`t care socks

|------------------------------------|-------------------------------|

Don't get me wrong. Everyone experiences and behaves differently, but the autism spectrum does not cover everything. It is not a seperate place. You can see it more like this:

|----------------------------the spectrum-------------------------....

_______ "normal" people____________ ______autism_______ .... | | |

|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----.... 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

The spectrum looks more like this. Every person is included in the spectrum. You can be at a 0 and therefore show or have nothing autistic at all. You can be at an 8 and have the symptoms and mannerisms of autism and still not have it. So you can have it and not have it at the same time.

Because (I use the German diagnostic system and only tell from personal experience) there is a point from which the signs are considered a disability. It is the so-called cut off point which is ten. So if you want to stretch the theory very far, you already have autism at 1.

no- thing ______________________ autism____________________.... | | |----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|--.... 0 1 2 3 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

But a 1 can also have other indicators that can be traced back to the ways you`re raised, culture, origin or perhaps other clinical pictures. In addition, a 1 is so mild that it has no influence on daily life. Even if you are higher up and show signs of autism and people around you notice a behavioral problem, up to a certain point it is said that it doesn't affect you enough to be a disability. Accordingly, 10 is the cut off point where it is said ok, that is now a disability. Therefore, it looks like this:

|----------------------------the spectrum-------------------------....

_______ "normal" people____________ ______autism_______ .... | | |

|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----.... 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Where you are on the spectrum depends on how pronounced it is for you. And it also shows at what point therapy makes sense.

That's why I'm very against self-diagnoses, because of course, you can be right about everything and recognize signs of autism, but only be a 7 or 9. A point where it doesn't affect you as much to be a disability. Or you can actually be above the cut off point, but even then it would be helpful to have a therapist at your side who can show you a few tips and tricks.

And to report on my own experience; I'm at 11 myself and for me, of course you notice something, but it's pretty mild autism. So you have some kind of measurement for the spectrum.

If you want too, you can see autism like a scratch on the wrist. Most people do not have that scratch. Some have a light scratch but dont notice it because it dosen`t hurt and does not affect them. Maybe someone will see it from time to time, but it has no affect to anyone whatsoever.

But if one is up to a 7 or 9 it can happen that the scratch hurts every now and then and maybe more people notice it, but it does not hinder to do anything and does`nt hold one back at given times. The hand can fully function.

A 10 or 11 (like me) can live pretty good with it, but the scratch is so deep that a medical schould look at it. That it can`t be simply plastert up like the lower numbers. And the medical can help one avoid or handle situations, so it does not hurt as much. It will still hurt a bit and will be always there, but with the right help you can learn to live with it.

If one is higher up, the srach might need stitches and will always hurt. The stitches can only be made by a proffesional, who will help you and those around you on how to live with it. And maybe the sratch is so deep that the actions of the hand are restricted.

That growing up, one was never able to move a Finger `cause of that scratch or even the hole Hand if its deep enough.

I hope this made sense :)

[thefisherqueen]

Thinking about growing up autistic without a diagnosis and how there were a lot of my teachers who definitely picked up that something was up with me and tried to help me, but how none of them ever said or did anything that actually helped. And I'm sort of amazed by how that was possible? These were people who had a teaching degree, who were kind and well intended, who had a lot of experience, and yet they all failed me.

One teacher arranged with my parents for me to follow a social anxiety course with a therapist. But of course fear was never the problem. I think that did damage in more ways than I can quickly describe, but mainly it taught me that the coping mechanisms I had were bad (they weren't! Walking off when you're overwhelmed is good! Being quiet when you don't know what to say or don't feel like talking is fine!) and it just made me better at hiding my struggles and pretending interest where I had none. I remember even hanging out with a group of 'popular girls' for a while and it was all such an act and made me feel alientated and terrible

Several teachers told me to stand up for myself, but didn't follow it up with informing me on what reasonable boundaries are or with providing me social scripts I could use against bullies. Others asked me "are those bullies bothering you?" and of course I shrugged and told them I didn't mind; we all want to be thought of as strong and unbothered. Calling out bullies' behaviour and telling me that there was nothing wrong with me would have been much more helpful. Confidence naturally follows from that

I vividly remember two seperate teachers asking me "Why are you so reserved?" and, what the hell, of course I could not answer that. I was not trying to be! They were puzzled by me and instead of asking me about myself or learning about my ways of communication, they made it my problem

Another thing: I was in the debating club of my school for years (hey! surprise! I am actually good at talking in public if I can do research beforehand and if the conversation actually stays on topic and follows sensible rules). When I sometimes struggled, teachters assumed it was because of insecurity or nervousness. The actual issue was that my mind runs a bit to slow for speech sometimes. I just don't have time enough to arrange my thoughts into proper sentences at that time, but the only advice they had for me is about how to deal with nerves

During a university course on presentation skills the teacher picked up that I was struggling and tried to help me with tips, but that only made me more insecure. I needed to learn to be more comfortable and secure with how I naturally communicated, the last thing I needed was someone to point out my 'flaws' and teach me more tricks

Another teacher in university once again assumed - not asked, just assumed - that I had social anxiety and promptly gave me advice based on that. I suppose in a way I'm thankful to her, because it was the point where I realised that this whole pretending act wasn't working and that was when I started to look into autism (my best friend had been diagnosed not long before that). But it still was shitty to just assume

I think the general trend of all these instances is: all of these people saw this kind quiet girl who did well in class, exceptionally well in language areas, always had several friends but often just did her own thing, whose way of acting and speaking and non-verbal communication and interests had uncommon aspects, who was bullied and excluded or made fun of sometimes, and all were puzzled but had their opinion and advice ready. None of them actually sat me down and asked me open questions, tried to figure out what was actually going on in my brain, tried to learn of my experiences and what I knew about myself. None of them recognised my autistic traits for what they were (and they are so clear to me now in hindsight).

Children really deserve so much better. I deserved better

[carnagechicken]

Ok this post is a collection of all the cooking tips, tricks and loose knowledge I've learned,

My credentials: both my parents work/have worked in restaurants. I cook for myself for pretty much every meal I eat (except of course the dinners my siblings cook). When I was little I would spend hours just watching and helping my mum make food, so cooking is not a new thing for me, I was standing on a chair to reach the counter to cut veggies or stir soup as a wee toddler. (<- this was not something I *had* to do, this was what I did for fun. I'm autistic, my version of fun involved anything to do with sorting)

Here we go,

>if you put too much salt in a soup, add potatoes. They suck up the salt like edible sponges

>you wanna know if your chicken is fully cooked but you don't have a meat thermometer? Take a sharp knife and stab it in the thickest part of the breast and thigh, right down to the bone, pull out the knife and if the juice that comes out is clear you're good to go (however if you're like me and are a bit paranoid of salmonella or food poisoning, just overcook your poultry a bit. It will be a bit dryer but that's OK, especially if it puts your mind at ease)

>nutritional yeast (nicknamed "nooch") is your best friend. Your soup/casserole/shepherds pie filling needs a boost? Add Nooch. It gives a wonderful umami flavor AND is good for you

>when adding spices to a soup, wait 10-15 minutes before taste testing. It needs time for the flavors to blend and really settle. This is why sometimes soup is better the next day

>if you notice some mold on a block of hard cheese, just cut it off. The cheese is still good. Mold doesn't permeate through hard cheese easily. (Soft cheese is a different story)

>ABOVE DOESN'T APPLY TO BREAD. if you see even the smallest hint of mold on bread throw the entire bag out, the whole thing is contaminated (even if you can't see it), and the mold that grows on bread is terrible for your health. I repeat, DO NOT EAT MOLDY BREAD.

>a sharp knife is actually *less* likely to cut you, because it cuts through the things you want it to and stays on course. A duller knife is more likely to slip and go in directions you don't want it to. Combine that with the fact that you have to use way more force to cut things with a dull knife and you've got an accident waiting to happen

>different oils have different smoke points (i.e. when they start to burn). Olive oil burns at fairly low temperatures, canola and sunflower oil can get quite a bit hotter before they burn, making them great for deep frying. (Butter will burn at the drop of a hat)

> GREASE FIRE SAFETY: always keep a metal (not glass) lid handy, this is for covering the pot/pan and suffocating the fire. Fire needs oxygen, lid takes that away. Baking soda can stop a small fire (key word being small). Baking powder and flour will make the fire worse, do not use them. Never never NEVER throw water on a grease fire. Never. Look up what happens when you do. It's terrifying.

>a small spot of blood in an egg is not a big deal, it's not dangerous, and it doesn't mean the egg or the chicken that laid it is diseased. It just happens sometimes. On the topic of eggs, if you crack one open and the yolk is deep orange, that just means the chicken has a healthy diet. The darker the yolk, the healthier the chicken.

>fat carries flavor. I repeat, FAT CARRIES FLAVOR. Add butter. Add oil. Add bacon fat if you want. Fat makes food taste better, do not deprive yourself of it.

>using the water that you boiled pasta or potatoes in is a great way to thicken sauces

>garlic is a personal thing. Never let a recipe limit how much you add. Recipe calls for 2 cloves? Add 15 if that's what you want

>don't believe recipes that say you can cook potatoes in 25 minutes. Potatoes are dense, it always takes longer than you think.

>also, no such thing as an overcooked potato. Unless it's been burned to hell, it's a perfectly cooked

>if your curry/stew starts to stick to the bottom of the pot and burns, don't despair! Stop stirring, you don't want to dislodge the burnt layer, pour the good stuff in a separate pot, making sure no burnt bits fall in, add a bit of water to thin it out, and it should still be good to eat. (The pot with all the burnt stuff gets filled with water and left to soak for a while. This will make it easier to scrub later)

>recipes are guidelines, not something that needs to be followed to the letter. Add more things, leave things out, substitute ingredients, just have fun with it! (This does not apply to baking. That shit is chemistry that needs precise amounts of everything. Which isn't to say it's hard! It just has way less leeway than cooking)

>always *always* start with a small amount when adding flavorings. You can add more if needed, but it's way harder to take away

>Don't put the heat really high, that won't actually make it cook faster. What's more likely to happen is burnt on the outside, undercooked on the inside. And some things need a "low and slow" approach to make them taste the best. (And just like with the flavorings, you can cook something for longer but you can't uncook it)

>pepper is great... But salt is essential. Salt makes everything better. Even desserts need salt, that's how important it is

>hand blenders are a great way to beat eggs for scrambling

>Brussel sprouts are good. The bitter taste was breed out of them in the 90s, so if you used to hate them, try them again and I *promise* they'll taste good. Roast them in the oven with lots of oil and salt until they're so soft you could cut them with a butter knife. Enjoy! (Dutch scientist Hans van Doorn is the one who figured out which chemicals made them bitter btw. Everyone say thank you)

>if you have trouble digesting cows milk but you still want to drink milk, try goat milk. Usually it's the lactose that people have issues with, and goat milk has less lactose, as well as having smaller fat molecules that are easier to absorb

>no you don't *have* to peel carrots or potatoes. Personally I just find it to be an unnecessary step.

>and finally, there's no such thing as bad food preferences. There's just stuff you like, and stuff you don't. Pineapple on pizza isn't a moral issue, eating plain pasta is fine, and if you like an unusual combination of foods, more power to you. And if anyone makes fun of you for the way you like your food, you have my permission to hit them with wet socks until they leave the kitchen

[sincelastsession]

I've missed telling you things. But I'm stoned and I honestly don't want to remember.

How are lobotomies these days? Can they sever instead of do a nerve block to my lizard brain that keeps screaming DANGER DANGER DANGER? Is this an option? Do I need that part of my brain?

Travis is getting his drummer friend to find me noise canceling 🎧

They asked how quiet I needed it to be.

I told Travis "I don't want to hear a bomb go off" "Deafen me bröther"

So maybe that will help.

My mom wants to go to lunch tomorrow and look at garden homes. 🙃 I am scared I'll lose my shit because she presses my buttons like only a mother can. Just huge trigger if she's not calm and patient with me. She just had a huge fight with me about how she didn't want Mexican food because the Guatemalan ppl can't cook...and was acting like a racist petulant child.

I convinced her to go to spoke and hub. Then she will have a new restaurant to hate on I guess.

I wish the chill part of me would take over tomorrow but I feel like it's gonna be the take no shit manager and firefighters. I don't want that to happen but it's like so second nature to react to crap.

Yeah a nerve block sounds FANTASTIC

Honestly I'm constantly taking a leftover Adderall for a future session so you can see the difference and God maybe we can write a letter to the medical board and maybe my psychiatrist can just continue to write it. I only take 5mg max a day split up into 2.5mg doses...so I really don't see how taking that during the day with my xanax daily meds that oddly don't conflict and then just smoke my weed before bed.

But the problem is its 3 substances that are usually never prescribed together. They just happen to be the best combo for me and I'm a different person on it. I can hold a conversation.

Maybe the medical board would approve it if I could state my case and show them the difference?

Idk I just miss when I was a more functional person.

I have agoraphobia so bad some days I literally cry by my door because I can't leave.

But other days I want to go wandering around by myself in the woods.

I feel like a guy sometimes like that's weird because I do identify as female but yeah get moments of feeling like a man...I feel like I could maybe draw what the parts of me look like in minds eye.

Sometimes I feel like a small Asian woman like on kdramas and that's also odd.

Sometimes my little side pops out when I see cute things.

Sometimes a gruff dad.

Sometimes me at 16

And I'm sure there's more.

But idk if I'm me or if I'm somewhere else hidden

I say little me I don't mean inner child

My inner child doesn't feel there.

Honestly Joshua if I could afford it I'd see an emdr therapist in Lafayette and I'd make the weekly drive. I'd also see if hypnosis therapist would work. I would build an army to help me.

You aren't doing a bad job. I however haven't seen anything in my email you said you'd send and I'm not happy abt it but I'm sure since you are human you got busy

I do wish they had a manual for neurodivergent ppl and autistic ppl that translated what neurotypical ppl mean and tips and tricks on how to communicate with them.

They always think I'm fighting with em.

I hate one people call me negative. I mean I'm sorry I've been dealing with trauma since I was 2 years old so it's very hard for me to see the positives and it's not for lack of trying.

If I'd given up on getting better I'd have quit therapy years ago.

I feel like I could easily get a social work degree but it's not something I want to do as a profession. I mean do some LCSW just take like easier cases with big idiots that just need to be told to go ground and touch grass? (Joke) but no I mean I assume there's some easier clients is all.

I really don't find Myself to be a negative person I Find Myself to be a realist and I also Find Myself to be sort of a cynic and an absurdist. I do like philosophy but I do not like it enough to study it as much as other people get into it I do go down rabbit holes

I mean not only is my interest that is special and medical but I do like lots of other things it's just been had to be primarily focused in medical so I didn't get missed diagnosed and almost fucking die again because nobody likes that

It's aggravating to be your own advocate in the medical world Like it's really a big pain in the ass to fight doctors and nurses and people that do not know what they are talking about and I do not ever mean to sound egotistical but a lot of people mistake me talking like this for that

Like currently my rheumatologist is seeing a friend of mine that has a disorder that is very similar to what I had growing up and the woman is having a reaction to the method track state and I keep telling her to call our rheumatologist and go to the ER but the woman says that our rheumatologist said that's normal and I know damn well it's not normal and she's gonna end up in the ER somewhere or another and it makes me feel like an old retired charge nurse even though I'm not even old enough to be one of those sassy old charge nurses.

The funny thing is my mother is a charge nurse but she doesn't exactly act like one because she also has to make drama and play the victim.

I mean I really can't believe that she's trying to get my sister hooked up with medical marijuana right now

My sister already relies on street Marijuana that could possibly be laced and smokes it constantly all day every day

I mean honestly I sound like a giant hypocrite because I'm stoned right now but I don't smoke as much as her I used to smoke as much as her if not more and I got to a point where I could not get stoned anymore and I decided to quit until I had pain issues again and so now I'm having to legally medicate and that's pretty weird feeling when a couple of years ago you could have gotten arrested and it's weird having to convert the Scared emotions about taking my medicine into positive emotions about taking my medicine because I still get nervous when I'm about to smoke like I'm about to get caught.

I suppose you can say it similar to the feeling of walking out of a store and feeling like they're gonna stop you for shop lifting even though you didn't do anything

I have very intrusive thoughts like that all the time and I assume it's part of my o CD but it's really annoying and usually when I take my Adderall it goes away completely but I can't take it and it's pointless to take it because I only have a few left in the fucking bottle and the medical board won't allow me to have that prescribed and it's stupid bullshit and politics and the health care system for mental health is completely fucked and I've known this since I was a child And I don't even know if there's a way to fix it anymore honestly because they have screwed it so bad

I really wish that I could have made my goal make my brain better and then make me an independent and knowledgeable enough to live on my own without the help of others without my parents finances and So that I might travel or move elsewhere because I get so stir crazy but I've been stuck inside and helicopter and micro managed and harassed and terrorized and fucking abused for so long that it's scary to go places because I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for everything I do

I feel like I'm going to get in trouble if I breathe too loud

I mean I'm sure I could give you more examples because like sometimes I really do think that something takes me over and talks for me because I don't understand how else I would even function enough to communicate with other people with the insane amount of shit that has happened to me. I mean I still have things in my memory bank that are foggy and behind. closed doors. It sucks that I keep remembering things because it's the time where my brain feels safest to finally be able to understand what happened to me and stuff because I know it protected me a lot as a child and it's really weird that I just have all negative memories and only little glimmers of good things I really don't remember a lot of the good things my parents said that they did for me I don't remember a lot of experiences I've been told that I've had that were good. And you know that a lot of people have blamed on medications that I take but I have never had any memory issues due to this particular medication that I'm on that I have been on for a long time it has not really changed anything in that regard. The other ones however did fuck with my head like that.

There is something terribly wrong with my father mentally and I really would love to get him help but I don't know how to do that without it affecting my life in a major way and I don't know if I could handle another major life change without absolutely losing my shit

[eyecicles]

HCs about L's eating habits? Could he have some kind of eating disorder?

Could he have an eating disorder? Yes, probably. Though I don’t think that’s how we’re supposed to see L and his eating habits, instead I believe that he eats so many sweets simply because he wants to.

But there are lots of different ways you can interpret this. Strict manga canon doesn’t tell us much about it, so I can see why there are so many different headcanons about it.

I personally see L as a person who takes convenience, his own comfort and needs very seriously and doesn’t necessarily care about much else. He likes sweet food because it tastes good, sugar and eating in general helps him concentrate and it doesn’t seem to make him ill… which is all that matters to him.

Still, even if you take all that into account it’s curious indeed how his diet is so damn unbalanced. Most people would get sick of so much sugar sooner or later, while L apparently exclusively asks for that kind of food. On top of that, we see him refusing to eat anything savoury that comes with his meals (or maybe he just doesn’t like ham, lol). That doesn’t mean his eating habits are always like that; maybe the difficulty & stress of the Kira case plays into it.

And since L has enough autism traits to write a book about it, I personally headcanon that this is another thing influenced by him being autistic. Repetitive behaviour, very hard (almost impossible, honestly) to break habits, extreme taste sensitivity, using food to stimulate yourself, just in general a more sensitive body and organs that react to food in unique ways, makes a lot of us engage in something we call “same-fooding” (which is pretty much what L does).

Other headcanons:

Whenever L does eat savoury food, he prefers stuff that doesn’t have a strong taste, like toast, eggs, rice or clear soup

He’s a vegetarian

Pretty much the only vegetable he sometimes likes is red bell pepper

The fact that many biscuits are made with “a pinch of salt” kept him awake at night (he hates salt)

Teas that are supposed to taste like cupcake or any kind of desserts are his least favourites. It just makes him feel overwhelmingly disappointed, like he’s being tricked

His teeth are surprisingly undamaged and he rarely gets tooth aches

Doesn’t like the feeling of a full stomach and will rarely eat too much at once

…except for when he’s frustrated or depressed

He loves strawberries, bananas, cherries, peaches and plums but hates apples and pears

Has absolutely no idea how to cook but will still give other people (bad) cooking tips

Huge fan of The Great British Bake Off

One of the other reasons food is a comfort to him is because he grew up poor and malnourished

Likes to drink the juice of canned fruit

While he mostly drinks coffee and tea, he also loves hot chocolate

Rarely physically feels hungry, just appetite, and will often forget to eat when he’s alone (which is one of the reasons Watari started to serve him food)

[feargender]

silvertongue

read on ao3 here

Alec balls his twitchy fingers into loose fists, leaning against the doorway to the balcony. Magnus is silhouetted in murky city moonlight, more tinged with the yellow Brooklyn glow than starlight. He lets Alec sit in broody silence for a few moments before turning with a smirk, saying, “See something you like?”

Alec’s returning smile is delayed and stilted. But his, “Always,” is honest. Magnus’ smile slides away, however, and he crosses his arms, leaning back against the balcony.

“What is it?” he asks and Alec sighs. Magnus can read him like a book. Alec wishes he can say the same. He knows Magnus, knows him well. But, apparently, he doesn’t know enough. Not about Magnus, not about anyone.

“There’s something I think we need to talk about,” he says, hating how solemn he sounds. “Not bad! But important.” That doesn’t help, and Magnus is frowning now. Alec frowns back, already feeling his thoughts slipping down the back of his spine. It never goes how he wants it when he plans conversations. He gathers all the words he wants to say in a net, but before he can put them in order they go in different directions. Out his mouth, back in the far reaches of his mind. Clinging to the very tip of his tongue.

“I’m listening,” Magnus says, gesturing for Alec to go on. Alec stares at him. He doesn’t know what to say. But he’s been working against this his entire life, and so he clears his throat and throws out the first sentence he can hold onto long enough to form with his mouth.

“I’m not gullible,” he says. Which, shit. It’s true, but not how he really wanted to start. It sounds like an accusation. Magnus’ eyebrows go up. “I’m not gullible, but you’re a really good liar.” Bad to worse, it seems. Now he’s calling Magnus a liar. He pushes on, “When you tell me you’re alright, I believe you. I’m not easily tricked, but if I assume that you’re lying to me every time I ask you a question, I couldn’t be with you, you know? And I can’t see through and around all of your,” Alec waves his hands around, “Smoke and mirrors. Cloak and dagger. I try? I want to see you, Magnus. And I want to know when things are wrong, because I want to try to make them better. Even if I can’t, I’d rather know than you suffer alone.”

He pauses long enough that Magnus speaks. “I’m not sure I understand. You know it’s hard for me to be… open.”

Alec shakes his head emphatically. “Yeah, I know. Of course I know. What I’m trying to say is that I’m autistic.” A stone drops into his stomach, he can feel the echo in his bones. It never gets easier, saying it aloud. Being gay is one thing. People know what it means, even in the crudest manner.

Autistic can mean any number of things to anyone. It can mean stupid and slow and childish. It can mean that Magnus won’t want to be with Alec anymore. He might feel betrayed, deceived.

Magnus nods slowly. “Alright.” His eyes are on Alec in a way that means he won’t speak again until Alec does, so Alec takes a breath and continues.

“If there’s something wrong, I can’t always deduce what it is with the breadcrumbs you give me. Or I won’t be able to figure it out on my own. I know you can’t always be open, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying that maybe you could say that? Instead of brushing me off or lying and pretending. I want to do what’s best for you, what will make you feel the best. Which I can’t do if I don’t have at least some idea of what the problem is,” Alec explains.

Magnus nods thoughtfully and is silent for a few minutes. “What could I do, specifically?”

Alec blinks. He wasn’t expecting to get that far so quickly. He expected a long intermission in which he talked about the invasive details of being autistic. He doesn’t say that, though. “I mean… you could just tell me that you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you? Or that you’d like to pretend that nothing is wrong. Or that you need time.”

Magnus takes a step closer to Alec, reaching out for his hand. Alec lets him, relieved, nerves zinging with their touch. He never feels as calm as he does when Magnus does just this, holds his hand on the balcony and lets him talk.

“I could do that. I could certainly try, at least,” he says softly and Alec smiles.

“I want to be there for you. If I can be,” Alec replies.

“And I for you,” Magnus smiles back.

They’re silent for a while, but then Alec can’t help himself. “You’re not upset about me not telling you sooner?”

Magnus tilts his head, soft brown eyes regarding him with so much liquid warmth that Alec may drown. “No. That’s your business, Alexander. While I support you and want to know how to accommodate you and your happiness, you aren’t obligated to share things like that with me. I’m happy you did. But you didn’t have to.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” Alec asks.

“It does not. It’s a facet of who you are, a rather large one I’m sure. But I know who you are, Alexander. And who you are is someone I love very much, and being autistic doesn’t change that. It couldn’t,” Magnus takes Alec’s arm with his other hand and Alec leans in.

“I love you, Magnus. Thank you,” he says, placing his forehead against Magnus’, so close he can feel it when Magnus blinks. Their atoms vibrate and blur together. Alec feels, for a moment, like he’s melding with Magnus, mixing with him.

When Magnus kisses Alec sweetly, it washes Alec away. All of his jumbled words and worried ragged nerves slide along in the downpour, replaced by the beginnings of calm and the euphoria of something going very right.

[junkhaul-blog]

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[miishae-archived]

Copied and pasted from an old rp blog of mine, that I feel is very important to read:

Question I was asked: ❝MAY I ASK SOMETHING ABOUT AUTISM AND THE COMMUNITY? I KNOW YOU CAN ONLY SPEAK FOR YOURSELF SO I WILL KEEP IT MORE CENTERED TI YOUR PERSONAL PREFERENCES AND WHAT YOU'VE SEEN TO BE A GENERAL CONSENSUS?❞

Not very many people are aware what Autism or even Autism Spectrum Disorder is. Honestly, I’ve seen a lot of people tend to think of it as “diaper wearing, drooling idiots”

I’m going to start off by talking about my own personality first, and why it should not be outright dismissed as being ‘oversensitive’.

I am on the spectrum disorder. I’m very high functioning, as in, I am able to live on my own, with a boyfriend. I’m able to work, I’m able to walk around in society without causing a disturbance. But just because I appear ‘normal’ doesn’t mean I am.

I’m very very awkward. I get emotional and burnt out really quickly, especially in social situations. I don’t like physical contact, and I don’t like people yapping at me constantly. This is sensory overload. I get tired and cranky, and a lot of times am seen as rude for this.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for how little people understand autism. I constantly have to point it out, because even my loved ones don’t understand me. I can talk to someone over and over about not touching me or shutting up for awhile and giving me some space, and they’d just ask me a lot of questions that really don’t need answering.

I don’t talk much, and it’s not because I’m shy or introverted. I was originally diagnosed with having Nonverbal Learning Disorder, and while I don’t know if that is an outdated diagnosis or not, it aptly describes my social skills still. Link

How it relates to me personally though: I suck at social cues. I suck at maintaining eye contact, I don’t read body language well, and I tend to be brutally honest to a fault. What I think is a reasonable and fair statement can come across as rude and offensive to someone else. It was not my intention to be rude, and since people would rather be offended and passive aggressive, I don’t know how else to word things and I’m sorry, but you need to work with me and not shut down on me. How else am I going to learn how to interact with you?

I’m also incredibly literal minded. I know on tumblr it seems like I’m sarcastic and witty, and I know I crack a lot of jokes, but you would not believe the amount of times I’ve had to go to someone off tumblr and ask “what did this person mean? I don’t understand.”

It’s literally because I don’t understand you. I don’t get a lot of metaphors or jokes, and everyone else will be laughing and I’m sitting over here like “I don’t get it?” and no one wants to explain the joke because “I mean, it’s obvious!” No, it isn’t. Not to me.

I also tend to get hung up on certain things for long periods of time. I hate change in my routine. I hate changing things up because honesty: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But as far as ‘obsessions’ go? Video games comes to mind. I could tell you all about the Borderlands series and how it’s a great game filled with fan-fucking-tastic characters and how it’s an entire world built on survival and it’s dystopian and cyberpunk and-

Or I could tell you when I was a kid and the LOTR moves first came out, I was obsessed with them. I launched into repeated lectures about how the behind-the-scenes worked, or how they did this camera trick, or why that scene was the best to film, and OH did you know Viggo Mortensen was not the original Aragorn? He was called in last minute and only came on because his son was a huge fan and pushed his dad into filming.

I know no one actually cares, but I still care. If you let me talk about something I care about, I will TALK.

This is just the personality side of autism. How ableism comes into play is very subtle. And everyone can be ableist. Friends and family who come to me asking to understand, only to say “okay cool” and forget about it ten minutes later.

I have friends who casually throw around the R-slur. I catch myself using it from time to time, and I’m desperately working to unlearn it. But that word is so heavily used by so many people, and it’s so insulting to hear it thrown around so casually. But worse than that are the people who actually use ‘autism’ as a slur.

“A guy complaining about being friendzoned? He’s autistic.”

“If you play Minecraft you’re autistic I don’t make the rules.”

First off, statements like these are annoying, because they lump a good majority of people into one category, and second off, it’s assumed that people who are autistic are drooling idiots.

There’s a reason it’s a fucking spectrum, okay? I know quite a few people who are on the spectrum, and I’ve heard of other people who are on the spectrum. Everyone has different levels of coping and living. I’m not my cousin, who does need help, because he can’t function on his own.

I’m probably worse off than someone who can hold a stable job and learn to drive and fully function, and I admit that I do need my hand held on some things.

It’s quite possible to unlearn your way of thinking. Quit throwing around slurs as insults. They’re insulting, and frankly, tired. If you want to insult someone, there are far more creative ways to do so.

But it’s not just insults that are the problem. It’s people not caring enough. It’s people who feel the need to speak over us. You don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t find insulting. Frankly, I can’t stand blanket “these words are ableist” lists, because more often than not, they’re written by neurotypicals who are trying to appear Woke™, except that they argue with actual NDs who disagree with their assessment.

Also, and this is a BIG ONE FOR ME

DO NOT ASSUME EVERYONE WITH AUTISM IS A CHILD. I am so tired of seeing mental health awareness posts right here on fucking TUMBLR, of all places, with messages for children. I am 33 years old. I’m so far from a child or even a teenager, and I feel like putting my hair in pigtails and wearing little jumpers every time I see one of these super condescending PSAs about mental health awareness or autism awareness. Adults with autism exist, please quit excluding us in your misguided efforts to raise awareness.

I do agree that it’s not my job to educate you. You can ask questions, and I can answer, but I’m not your encyclopedia source. There are tons of helpful links and websites you can go to learn more about autism, spectrum disorder, and anything else that might be linked.

That being said, don’t go the opposite direction and completely ignore its existence. By ignoring it, you’re only contributing to the rampancy that ableism is. It’s very real and very damaging. It’s big things, like me being denied food stamps in my state because they didn’t believe I was disabled and I couldn’t get proof without them wanting to assign a counselor and them wanting to thrust me into the working world anyway (which was the whole reason I mentioned I was autistic, because I need fucking help?) and little things like “You’re too sensitive, just deal with it.”

Ask questions. Look up resources. Not just for autism, but for anything related to mental health or physical health. Ableism is rampant in able-bodied people too. My brother in law is in a wheelchair and faces quite a bit of ableism himself.

All this being said, please please watch how you talk/interact with people. Much like I need to learn social cues and how to interact with you, You guys need to understand that my personality isn’t going to change. This is literally who I am, and who I always will be, so you have to be patient. You have to recognize that I’m trying, and I’m not perfect.

And most importantly of all I guess, we’re not disabled. We’re different. We think differently, and we act a little off. But we’re not bad people. Not all of us, at least. (There are people who play up the “I’m-disabled-be-nice-to-me card” and they should be held accountable for their horrible actions)

Personally, I’m trying. I’m tired, and exhausted, and lonely. I have next to nobody to rely on, and I know I have a lifetime of learning how to behave better ahead of me, and I’m just tired. but I’m still hanging in there, in the best way I know how: by being me. If I can educate myself and learn about how ableism is a problem, so can you.

[drivenbydopamine]

Starting A Blog Seemed Like A Fantastic Idea (Everything Did)

During my most recent manic episode (I believe I’ve had at least 3 major episodes in my life now), I decided to start a blog. I decided I needed to share all the thoughts in my head with everyone. Ok, not ALL the thoughts. Nobody wants or needs that. Either way, I wanted to share a lot of them and I found that I didn’t have enough physical people in my life to fill my need to share my stories and to receive the validation that I so desperately need. So, Peanut Butter On My Pancakes was born! I decided to call it this because well, it’s delicious. Try it sometime if you haven’t already. Also, it reminded me of high school when a friend of mine and I would send emails with completely random food related subject lines, and also, my favourite blogs are the ones with completely unrelated, random, and irrelevant name; it’s just fun.

I’m 39 yrs old. I recently found out I’m autistic, I’ve got c-ptsd from childhood emotional neglect, and I’m also now aware that I have manic episodes (and have for a while now). Life is starting to make so much more sense now! This blog is my place to rant. It’s my place to share and work through some stuff. It’s my place to throw some authenticity into the world because we all know the world could use a little more of that. I’m hoping that this helps people recognize and connect pieces of their lives that maybe they hadn’t before. I think recognition is where the healing begins.

This isn’t a blog about how everything is going to get better, or how to make things better, or tips and tricks and tools to fix your life. (Although some of that may accidentally be in there). Basically it will be my journey with all the what-the-fucks and the omg-that-makes-so-much-sense and the fuck-i-wish-i-knew-that-30-years-agos. There’s a lot of fuckery in here. Also, a lot of nonsense. Some stories are pretty intense. Some are just weird as fuck (unless your brain is awesome like mine and then you’ll be like “finally, a normal person!” lol)

Anyway, enjoy the fuckery, the nonsense, and the sometimes absolute nothingness of my, usually, daily posts!

[autismus-obscurus]

hello could you help me, i wanna write a story were onw of the characters is autistic i want a little help is there some sites about it

First of all, I’m very glad you turn to the autistic community. I’m sure you’ve seen this written a bunch of times, but just to be sure: please, please stay away from Autism Speaks. They demonize autism (basically saying autistic people ruin their families and would be better off dead). They promote a “cure” (which means aborting children that test positive for autism genes) and abusive “therapy”. A good post about why ABA is bad is HERE.This is a very good post on what to look out for in research.Tbh, I don’t go on other websites as much, so I’ll put some links of stuff that I know. For a general understanding, you can look into the DSM-V criteria (the offical criteria to diagnose autism). This won’t give you much to write a lively character, but with all the resources, it can be overwhelming. You should also definitely check out the organizations run by autistics, such as the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network and the Autistic Women’s Network.Autism is a spectrum. (See here for an explanation on what that means.) No two autistics are the same, and experience the world the same. An important tip I read was “don’t make autism their only defining trait” (it’s the same with race or sexuality, really). It’s tempting, since autism is literally affect how our brain works, but it’s better to do it in subtle ways e.g.

sensory differences (HERE is an example for sensory issues)

executive dysfunction and how to deal with it

overstimulation (also called sensory overload; common, but not universal)

the empathy thing

Eye contact

Voice stuff

“Atypical” Traits 

How do special interests work?

Comorbidities and how the influence our perception of autism

Example: PTSD and Autism

This is a very cute comic that gives an overview over common issues and how to be a good ally.

For inspiration and relatable things, you can definitely check out the #actuallyautistic tag! If you need examples for sensory things: Sensory hell and Sensory heavenIf you look on tumblr, you’ll find tons of examples for stimming. The trick is obviously to write it in a way that doesn’t degrade it (especially happy flapping has become a meme that basically says people who flap are R*tarded or just insane). That goes for all autistic behavior.

Another big topic is ableism. Warning: You will fuck up. We all do. I’m autistic and I still struggle with internalized ableism a lot. That includes automatically thinking autistic behavior looks weird, or not being able to express it, hell I haven’t even told more than four people in real life I’m autistic. Autistic is still used to mean something negative and you don’t shake that easily. Just be critical of your own thinking.Ableism has many facettes, too many for me to line up here. Some include:

Not listening to us: People who talk are “obviously” too high-functioning to speak about autism, people who can’t talk are not assumed to be able to express an opinion.

Everyone has met at least one neurotypical who assumed they knew more about autism than an autistic person.

Medical ableism: Goes both directions. Either autistics are treated as if we could not make decisions, even as adults, or our problems are dismissed, especially other symptoms

Sexism: Women much less likely to receive a diagnosis or to be treated for medical problems both. Resources masterpost on autism in women

An article about lack of diagnosis in autistic women

Abuse: Can range from emotional abuse (e.g. guilt tripping, gaslighting) to physical (e.g. provoking a meltdown / sensory overload on purpose), usually both

Generally just ignoring an autistic person’s boundaries.

“Autistics are only worth something if they have a special talent” (basically Rain Man)-> dehumanization in general, “we’re not human for not having certain traits / abilities”

There’s also this huge debate on self-dx (see this post for example). In many places diagnosis is expensive and can have a lot of disadvantages (e.g. looking for jobs). Self-dx involves a shit ton of research, months and years of it, really. (Just like you are doing now!) My humble opinion: Psychologists fuck up as well, see the ableism section.

Here is a post on how to get diagnosed as an adult. And here is a post on self-dx!Here’s my story of getting diagnosed (maybe less relevant, but take it as a real life example)

Media representation of autistic people is unfortunately complete garbage for the most part:

This post has a lot of notes with people telling what irks them about media representation of disability in general.Here is a post on why The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time )a pretty popular book that we read in school as “education” about autism) is a bad representationA post on ableism in the series “Good Doctor”I couldn’t find a cohesive review of the show “Atypical” and I haven’t seen it myself, nor do I intend to, but if you go in the #atypical tag the autistic community is very clear that it’s bullshit (and also backed by Autism Speaks, so big surprise)Billy from the new power rangers is autistic! And from what I’ve heard he’s actually well-written. (A post about what the writers did right.)

Things to avoid (unless you present it in the context of ableism / being negative):

cure rhethoric

functioning labels / mental age rhetoric (See this post)

The distinction aspergers and autism (I can’t find the post explaining in detail why it’s bullshit but here’s the short version: Aspergers is an outdated concept (in the new DSM-V it doesn’t exist anymore, you’re just autistic) and it has been used to separate the “good” autistics from the “bad” (it’s ableist and a functioning label basically)

Here’s also an explanation on Aspie supremacists

emotionless character

person first language (Here is a post on why PFL is bad)

white little boy with special interest in trains (they do exist, but it’s overdone)

he’s autistic BUT- (insert special ability) Click Here

Here is a post explaining our preference for the autism label above othersHere is another post on writing autistic charactersLastly, I recently found a very good post about the difficulty of calling a character autistic in writing, you can check it out here.

I probably forgot a ton of important things, so if anyone wants to add something, please do so; or shoot me a message, whatever is more comfortable.

[autistic-science-cryptid]

Comment Exchange about a Manipulative Autism Mom

As I promised, here is the comment exchange, which I did on the Patheos blog Roll to Disbelieve, which discusses the behavior of a particularly manipulative Autism Mom™. To sum up: The owner of that blog, Captain Cassidy, once worked in a call center, and the Autism Mom™ in this case grabbed up the fanciest TV package she could find, one she could not afford, and played the autism card (complete with the whole array of humiliating details that so any Autism Parents show without the child’s consent) to get her bills forgiven indefinitely so she could basically et these services for free. I responded talking about how this is a well-known phenomenon within the autistic community, one we really do not like, and she and I ended up in an exchange talking about how this behavior affects the kids and how annoyingly manipulative it is. This is what led me to the conclusion that this type of manipulation, while it may not be always against companies, may be driving a lot of the vocal refusal to accept the sort of advice we have to give. After all, they want to hear a pat answer that makes their child convenient - they don’t want to hear that they may need to try multiple things, accept messy parts of life, and various other things we suggest that are likely to work, but are not something you can just implement and forget.

Exchange under the cut - note that a few other people on that blog, allistic people, do agree with the sentiment that people who claim autism as their identity when they themselves are not autistic, while simultaneously denying this identity to actually autistic people, is really a disgusting thing to do. All users except Captain Cassidy and me are designated with initials:

Captain Cassidy (blog mod, also calls herself Wielder of the Banhammer) Perpetual victims tend to leave nothing to chance when it comes to fucking up their lives. It's just amazing how they manage to cover every single potential base with epic failure so that there's only one possible avenue of help--which is guaranteed to be someone who'll be hugely put out by rescuing them. It's like watching the human version of a slow-motion train wreck. Then when nobody leaps forward to save them from their own poor choices, they'll whine that "so-and-so doesn't want to work with me." Yeah, been there and done that with call center work. You could always immediately tell who those people were: they'd have tons of little credits and line-item deletions on their accounts, a balance that hadn't been current since their account started (and a fairly recent activation date at that), a constant wave of promotions and specials they probably shouldn't have gotten, and--the tip-off--a pattern of forgiven late fees, disconnection fees, and bounced check fees, each noted with some new disaster the customer had suffered that had prevented them from paying their bill on time and in full that month. They always had some ideal solution in mind, and it seemed like they would refuse every option and possibility we offered if it wasn't that solution in their head. Usually the solution involved total absolution of all fees and balances, but barring that they'd happily take a very large discretionary credit "for being such good customers" and as "compensation" for the hassle caused to them by the disconnection or whatever. If a frontline agent refused to "work with them" that time, they'd escalate as high as they could to try to get their bill credited. I was one of the people in that escalation chain, but had the good fortune to be working for a company that was cracking down HARD on those kinds of credits so I could refuse knowing upper management wouldn't give in either. These idiots would ride the carousel as long as a company would let them, then fuck off and go right along to the next provider of that service. I remember telling one that sooner or later they'd go through all the providers in their rural area and it might be a good idea to talk to someone about learning how to budget and all that because she'd hit the limit on what we could do to save her from herself. It didn't go over well with her. (She had an autistic son, she said, and she'd gotten that company's largest entertainment package on a new customer promotion about 18 months previously. The son had gotten used to watching a channel that only came with that package and would, she assured us, beat his head against a wall until he landed in the hospital if he couldn't have that channel on all the time. She hadn't actually paid a bill at all in about 16 months and now owed the company somewhere around $2000. Normally that was an impossible balance to accrue, but we'd inadvertently taught her a very dirty trick we could do in cases of extreme need: When she got disconnected every month, she'd call up and pity-party someone into taking pity on her and reactivating it, even if that meant re-aging her account to get it back online, with the assurance--never fulfilled--that she'd totally pay in full "soon." The company's fraud team had flagged her account and made it impossible for ANYBODY not on their team to reactivate her without payment in full plus three months in advance. She was used to escalating a few times, since only people at a fairly high level could re-age accounts. I was one of them, but I sure wasn't gonna do it for her. Re-aging meant to take her full balance, credit that amount to the account to bring it current, then charge it all back again. In effect, she would still owe the full balance, but now it showed as a current balance instead of a past due one. This is a TERRIBLE thing to do and it completely freaks out fraud investigators. So she escalated on me, and I sent her to a manager, who "wouldn't work with her" either, and then she landed in the fraud team's queue and I didn't hear anything past that. I didn't believe her excuse story, but it hardly mattered if I did or didn't; the only solution at that point was for her to pay what was being demanded, and that wasn't the solution she wanted to hear.)

Me You know, that woman who claimed she had an autistic son? I wouldn't be shocked if she was one of those parents that the autistic community HATES. The ones who are always pity-partying their kid's autism, talking about how their kids DESERVE an autism cure (which most autistics, including me, don't want), acting as if autism is doom-and-gloom all the time, often supporting the crap "charity" Autism Speaks, which repeats those same pity lines, videoing their child's meltdowns and posting them on the internet without their consent along with giving graphic details of hygiene and bathroom habits of their kids, also without the child's consent (including feces-smearing, which is something an autistic person I know did as a baby and grew out of, and they transitioned to making mud pies by the creek as a kid), and calling themselves "autism parents" while telling us autistic people "no, no, sweetie, you are a person with autism". Ugh, there's a lot of nerve in that last one, taking our identity for themselves while expecting us to separate ourselves from it. And then it seems possible that one of these so-called "autism parents" (who inevitably are never autistic themselves, because autistic people who are parents call themselves "autistic parents") has the gall to scam your company, to boot. 

 S 
I just think it's obnoxious they make it all about them. 

C 
"Autism parent" sounds awful. It's like she thinks she's mothering the autism itself, rather than her kid.





Captain Cassidy, Wielder of the Banhammer  
Oh yeah, that was completely this awful lady. That's exactly what she talked like. She presented herself as one step holier than the Virgin Mary and it just outraged her that my company wasn't just donating services to her because SHE was an AUTISM MOM and didn't we KNOW what she was GOING through every day... And yes, I got treated to some astonishing personal details about her son that seemed engineered to evoke the most pity and disgust in listeners. I almost told her hey gal, I've been emotionally manipulated by the best. And you ain't anywhere close to that level.




Me 
I wish more people responded to "autism mom" laments the way you do. That type of manipulation allows parents to get away with literal murder of their autistic offspring, such that if you google "parent kills kid who has autism" or something, practically every article talking about such a murder has comments sections full of people saying things about how you'd understand why those poor parents would want to murder their autistic kid if you were in their shoes, and how the lack of services makes them worry so much they had to kill their kid.
 No, I'm sorry, lack of services means that you should be willing to advocate for those services, not use that an excuse to treat your kid like a rabid beast who has to be put down. And besides, if you autism parents can pull heartstrings the way so many of you do engendering sympathy for murder and waltzing right into communities of actual autistic people to shit on them and silence them, I'm sure you can use those emotional manipulation skills to aid you in advocacy work.
(Not you personally, I mean those shitheads who do things ranging from what that mom did to you all the way up to actual murder).
You even get things like the parents in this article (http://autistext.com/2017/03/04/autpocalypse-then-autpocalypse-now/ ) talking about how if their son's autism didn't go away, they might have to kill him, at which point the son's autism went away and the parents blamed the autism on a "cerebral milk allergy" which, as we all know here, is a bullshit disease and that of course if you discuss the possibility of killing a kid for being visibly autistic, that kid is likely to hide his autistic behaviors because his life depends on it. Duh. But of course, a little thing like reality isn't going to stop them from selling alternative medicine to treat something that, in actuality, was visibly and abusively "treated" by putting the kid in fear for his life.
And it is clear from the quotes of those parents in that article that those are not the words of parents at their wit's end (which, of course, is the impression "autism parents" who murder their kids often successfully give to a lot of people when they talk about how people need to "walk in their shoes"). Those words are far too cold and calculating for that, and are simply abuser words.



Me 
So, she was most likely telling the truth about having an autistic son, and she treated him like shit. Go figure. Just like every other "autism mom" out there. They do have a habit of presenting themselves as holy figures.
Really, I feel sorry for that kid.



Captain Cassidy Wielder of the Banhammer 
I'm glad to take your word on it--though sad for the son.
Probably would have been a way better idea for her to contact the company in writing and just ask for the donation before signing up for anything. They might even have granted it then, who knows... But signing a contract and accepting a huge entertainment package like that, then unilaterally deciding not to pay because she felt she'd earned enough Autism Sympathy Points? Not a good plan. And offering a child a channel on a package she knows for 100% certain she can't afford to pay for monthly doesn't sound like she was thinking with portals at all.



Me 
No, she wasn't. though I bet her taking an expensive package and working it into that kid's routine would win her massive sympathy points when her kid inevitably gets upset because his routine is disrupted due to the fact he can no longer see that show. So then she can use that as yet another example of how autism ruined her life (and yes, she would say it was her life that was ruined even though her kid is the autistic one).
Seriously, though. Don't incorporate shows you can't afford to keep into an autistic kid's daily routine - it's a real pain in the ass to have a routine disrupted without warning. I know that from personal experience. If your kid really likes that particular show, it would be more responsible to get DVDs of it if available, or else have it be something that you specially plan - do the latter if you can't get the DVD because that way the show falls under the category "special treat" and isn't incorporated into a daily routine.
But I guess advice like that is not going to go over well with people who use their kid's autism as a way to fish for sympathy. God for-fucking-bid they do anything that will genuinely reduce their kid's difficulty rather than win them sympathy points, especially since they are also doing things that make it harder for autistic people and those parents of autistic kids who actually want to make it easier for their kids and are willing to fight on their kid's behalf rather than using autism as a vehicle to fish for sympathy.



Captain Cassidy Wielder of the Banhammer 
It definitely gave her something to keep her days busy. I got the feeling she'd done this to a lot of other companies for a lot of other services and goodies and did a lot of phone errands to keep the gravy train and sympathy brigade moving.



Me 
And strung her son along in the process with repeated, unnecessary, and jarring interruptions to his routine, rather than finding things within his interest area that he liked and that she could consistently provide (i.e. a one-time or few-time DVD purchase in lieu of scamming expensive TV packages).
Seems that she cared more about getting the goodies for herself and exploiting her son's plight in order to do so, while making it worse for him, rather than making sure that both she and her son were able to have nice things she didn't need to scam people to get. And she probably saddled her son with a huge burden of guilt for getting attached to those goodies that weren't really his in the process, although it was in no way his fault that his mom brought in those things and let them be incorporated into his routine knowing damn well she might not be able to give her son consistent access to them (again, a disaster for a lot of autistic kids) rather than making them "special treats" as she should have done, while giving him things he could consistently use for his routine (like the aforementioned DVDs).
Getting goodies for oneself is okay (yes, I know that parents have a lot of reason to be stressed), just get goodies you can reasonably afford, for you and your kids, and don't use your kid to bilk people out of goodies like that woman did.




Captain Cassidy Wielder of the Banhammer 
Jeez, yeah, 100% this. I'm glad you brought that up because I guess I hadn't even realized that the son might feel guilty about any attachments he formed to the TV channel in question. I see why parents like that are looked down on. That's a lot to saddle a child with, and none of it's his fault at all.



Me 
I figured the son might feel guilty about this because I have felt guilty about similar things outside my control (like feeling so guilty about benefitting from the use of fossil fuels that I once went through a phase of basically denying climate change and hanging on to the hope of a magical solution so that the guilt wouldn't drive me nuts, especially since I couldn't realistically check out of use of technology, and this was before renewable energy sources looked as feasible as they do today)

Exchange over.

Bet I’m not the only autistic who would feel guilty about getting attached to something that people have gotten through ill-gotten gains. I mean, sometimes we do need to apply this in a socially aware way (like when talking about white privilege) but this isn’t one of those things. And even when it is a good idea to acknowledge this, it does not mean people should have to be ashamed of getting attached to something. Recognizing problematic elements and being ashamed of getting attached to something are not the same thing. But in this case, if the son did feel guilty, his mom would probably encourage it - heck, the tricks she used to manipulate Captain Cassidy, mentioned in the first comment, are exactly the sort of thing that would feed guilt and shame in a totally destructive way - his mom is portraying the situation in a way that would make the son feel like it is all his fault he gets deeply attached to things. 

Seriously, how else are you supposed to feel when your mean mom is on the phone to a company desperately saying about how you will knock your head against the wall so hard you end up in the hospital if you can’t have the show you’ve grown deeply attached to? Of course you would feel guilty and absolutely sick with yourself - you don’t leap to thinking it’s your mom’s fault and that she could have skipped the fancy package and/or gotten DVDs of the shows or a TiVo to record your shows instead if she wanted you to have the shows - both options would be 100% cleaner, and a lot more likely to be able to continue, than scamming a company out of the fanciest packages the companies offer (which companies will likely cut you off from when they find out anyway, and in this particular case it would not be a dirty trick on the part of the company to do so since the company is not breaking any promises in that case). Especially since yes, companies are unethical a lot of the time, and yes, there are a lot of things companies should not deny, but that does not mean that people should be using children to scam said company. And they shouldn’t be humiliating their kids in public like that either. Period.

[adulting-with-autism]

Yippee! It’s episode three!

@izzyisahufflepuff @firesidoni @yesharrypotterlover123blr

Transcript under cut:

Welcome to AWA. Today’s episode is going to be slightly different because Liz is ill so I’ll be handling your questions solo. Hopefully I’ll do okay.

izzyisahufflepuff said:

“I just saw your tips for toothbrushing, and though they're very helpful, can you offer some tips as to how I can stop forgetting to/coming up with excuses not to brush my teeth? please and thank you”

Now what I generally recommend is something like habitica or similar apps that sort of provide little incentives in a game like structure. Wouldn’t say gamify I hate that word an irrational amount. But that’s something that’s worked for me in the past. Or something like writing down a little schedule for yourself could work quite well. That’s about as much as I’ve got for that one really. Just try and establish a routine through an app or a more old fashioned method. But whatever you do, try to go a couple of days in a row of doing a thing and you should start to adjust hopefully.

Next Question: firesidoni says

“I generally have a terrible time making out what people are saying when there's much background noise - I have a hard time turning the noise into words. Is this (potentially) an autism thing, or just a me thing?”

It’s definitely not a you thing. That’s something where I’ll definitely have a problem hearing people if there’s a lot going on. I tend to withdraw and things like that ‘cause it can be hard to pick out one particular set of sounds and interpret them so you’re not alone there. As for dealing with it I don’t have an answer for you there, I just avoid those situations where I can.

yesharrypotterlover123blr said

“Hi I'm autistic. I try following blogs and debating people, but I wind up offending people accidently. I don't feel comfortable saying it's autism, because it might not be (as I'm very sheltered and privileged/rich/white), + it sounds like an excuse (regardless of the situation in question) but I'm sick of seeing privileged neurotypicals get the benefit of the doubt just for being tactful. Any advice?”

Ok, for not offending people I guess one thing that really helps is just well sometimes I’ll go “right I won’t discuss this issue” if it’s sort of an emotive topic. One thing that really can cause problems, I think this came up in a previous episode, is when you’re interested in an abstract debate on an issue. A lot of people can get this, neurotypicals as well. People like looking at issues in the abstract and going about it in a thought experiment sort of way when the person they’re trying to have the conversation with is saying “this happened to me, this is an experience I had”.

The question is: is this a person who’s talking about – if you look at someone’s blog and they’re talking about had or have on a regular or semi-regular basis. I might post, I don’t know, money’s really tight or something like that, or alternatively on familiar ground someone might talk about sensory issues. You wouldn’t want, I’m sure, lots of us post about that kind of thing but you wouldn’t want somebody replying to that saying let’s start a long proper debate about how you feel. So that’s sometimes how trying to debate people comes across I think.

Because sometimes the best response isn’t a debate. It’s not necessarily what you want, it seems you like debating, but what’s sometimes best is saying “that sucks” rather than saying “but does it happen like that” or “is your experience really valid”. That can just, I think, get in the way. That means you’re not going to get a good faith debate because you could maybe say on a particular issue I’m not sure that…

There’s a difference between disagreeing on a solution for a societal problem, which is fine it happens every day it’s perfectly healthy, and disagreeing that something is a problem in the first place. It’s quite possible and healthy to have a discussion about the former, “right you know, this is an issue how do we get past it” there aren’t always cut and dried answers to these questions.

The trick is at least start out saying “that sucks how can things get better” rather than “did this really happen, was this an issue, was that person…” I don’t know, running dry on examples but I think maybe do something like put up on your blog, I don’t know if you have already, something about “I like debating” and maybe post an invitation, put a post up on your blog or add a little line on your profile “I’m open for a proper theoretical debate, theoretical conversation”

I think there’s impassioned conversations about social justice and there’s debates about these things and there’s room for both, but you’ve got to set parameters for a debate. Like in schools and colleges debate clubs don’t just spring up. They’ve got to be formalised. You say we’ll set up here, go by these rules, and not make things too personal, that’s great that’s fine but a real problem lies when people take that kind of debate club mentality, that debate club ethos and expect it to apply in every situation.

It doesn’t sound like you’re falling into that trap you want to engage people in a respectful way, you’re trying to work out how to do that so kudos to you. The main thing is you’ve got to set the parameters. Say “this is a call for debate so get in my inbox, comment on my post and we can start that conversation”. I think that could happen. Might not be that successful but you’ve got a better shot with that because sometimes you might end up derailing a more personal subjective conversation about social justice and things like that with a demand for an entirely different kind of conversation.

It’s how, I think, things can get out of hand it’s two very different styles of discussing issues and I guess that’s what you’ve got to be really clear on. You can always say “sorry I was looking at it in an abstract kind of way, I wasn’t trying to minimise what you’re going through or the issue”. You can always say “sorry I’m looking at it a bit too abstract you guys carry on”, or alternatively try to look at it from the other person’s pov. How you’d feel if somebody tried to put an abstract spin on something personal to you. I’ve started rambling so that’s as much as I’ve got on that I think.

There is a long question on here. It’s a three parter and it sounds kind of thorny so I’m probably going to be spending the rest of the episode responding to this and working out what to say.

“Hello guys, I was wondering how you feel about polyamory. As a queer autistic boy in a big group of friends (including my partner) who are all allistic nb, queer, and polyamorous (no one’s dating each other, just friends), I feel very left out in a way, because my brain is incredibly hierarchical. I find that I can only have one (1!!!) best friend at a time, and I can only love ONE person (i.e my partner). How can I unlearn this hierarchal thinking? It feels absolutely impossible

but I hate feeling left out (a big source of anxiety for me). People often (my friends and partner included) seem to make polyamory seem like a more Moral alternative, and that monogamy, on the other hand is a Conscious Choice one has to be Determined to make? This feels alien and a bit upsetting to me. And even though my partner says that just because you love 1 person doesn't mean you love someone else more, you can love equally, but this concept I just cannot grasp.

It's as hard to me to understand, as it is for humans in general to imagine colours we've never seen. It's impossible. But I feel kinda guilty and immoral, as if I'm not as emotionally developed as them or something, and as if I'm "possessive" because I can't handle my partner dating someone else than me WHILE they're dating me? My partner isn't actively polyamorous when they’re with me ‘cause they know it'd upset me but still... I don’t wanna be the autie weirdo.. I don’t know what to do”

And breathe. Right, that sounds like a fraught sitch. Thing is I know lots of my friends who are poly and many of the things you’ve mentioned, and I think that frankly I’m sure Liz would back me up on this, acting all as if it’s a better choice is just daft. It’s plain daft is what it is. Looking at alternative forms of relationships to monogamy is really interesting. It works really well for some people but not for others. Some people have, you can have vastly different levels of comfort, different thresholds for jealousy without being a controlling person, without being a bad or insecure person. It’s okay that you feel that there’s one person you want to be with and you don’t want to date anyone else or have your partner date anyone else.

It’s fine. And that could be the way you feel for the rest of your life or you could change your mind, but whatever feels right in that relationship is the right call. There’s no higher or better form of a relationship and anybody who says otherwise is leading you astray I think. I think that there’s a good chance with a lot of people who wouldn’t be comfortable being polyamorous and going for it anyway I feel like there’s, if you feel you’d get possessive, then simply trying to switch to a different form of relationship wouldn’t make it go away, it might just manifest in a different way. It doesn’t sound like you’re being a bad or possessive person at all.

Lots of people have a small amount of people they’re close to in friendship and romance. Lots of people have one partner and one best friend. That’s a really common thing and sometimes people can be a bit elitist about it and a bit, “oh I’m doing a different thing I’m standing out”. It could be that they’re not trying to say the form of their relationship is an inherently moral choice, might just be it’s the right thing for them. There’s a point halfway through about talking about monogamy as a conscious choice. They’re both conscious choices. Choosing to remain with one person choosing to be with multiple people, that’s a conscious choice. But choosing something that’s different to the mainstream isn’t necessarily a better thing nor a worse thing. The only way to make that kind of decision is based around your emotional well-being and your partner’s emotional well-being.

That’s the only thing that really matters there. Tis important to just do what makes you happy. There’s no more right or wrong answer than that. It sounds like you’re someone who’d be much more comfortable being monogamous. It sounds like you wouldn’t be happy with that, it would make you feel less happy in the relationship and even if you feel like you said to your partner “alright let’s try a different tac”, if you’re just doing that to make them happy and you’re uncomfortable with it, chances are they’d notice your discomfort and that would have a knock on effect.

I feel like if you think it’s a thing you can handle or go for, and would be genuinely interested in it then go for it, but going down that path because of what sounds like peer pressure is a really bad way to go I think. It’s got to be about what’s right for you what’s right for your partner and I don’t think it’s necessarily autism at the root of it. It may have something to do with it. But you don’t have to unlearn any thinking.

You don’t have to change. The thing is if it is down to disability then anybody expecting you to change a part of yourself change a part of your thinking is being really gross I think. That’s plain weird. Be yourself, there’s no better person to be. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing less moral about you. You’re trying to do what’s right for your emotional well-being. It doesn’t sound like you’re judging others, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything negative towards anyone.

You keep on going the way you’re going. It might be a good idea to talk to your friends about how they may come across and how it feels like they’re pushing it as a superior thing. I guess a lot of people fall into monogamy by default but you’re someone who knows the options there, knows the choices they’ve got and you seem to know what makes you feel comfortable. There’s a point to make that people default to monogamy but for some people it seems like you included, it seems like the right way to go.

That’s the last question in the inbox and that just about wraps up the show.

Somehow I’ve manage to talk to about as long as our regular show just on my lonesome. I was tempted to fill in for Liz by occasionally doing an impression but I think they’d probably end up listening and I’m not sure they’d appreciate it. So it’s tarrah for now until next time dear listeners.

That was Adulting with Autism, a very Nick centric special.

Take care.

[rontra]

Hey Rontra. Sorry is this is too personal, but I was recently diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and even though it didn't tell me anything new per se, I've been trying to wrap my mind around it. Do you have any tips for getting through the transition period?

Hi there friend!Omg yeah getting th diagnosis can be super weird even if it’s not necessarily new information, I totally get what you mean lmao

Even tho it’s personal I don’t rly mind talking about it at all; just remember that this is a suuuuper individual experience and you might not relate to my thoughts on it at all–and that’s okay! I’m happy that you decided to ask for advice, but if mine doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay–and I’m sure there’s other posts out there that can add to this you might relate to more (but I’m on mobile so sadly can’t help much there djfhshs sorry). This kind of advice is hard because everyone’s so different xD ahhhhSpoilers: my tips are very mushy and sentimental ;9

But this DID get long so I’m gonna cut the post fbdbdhdhhs I’m very chatty ;v;

So for context’s sake: I was also diagnosed with autism relatively recently–at 20 years old (am 21 now). While I don’t know how old you are, I’ll assume that you’re an adult or close to it as well–which to me made the diagnosis feel really weird and time-displaced! Like I wasn’t “supposed” to be diagnosed so late, bc it’s “supposed” to be noticed in childhood and thus I’m somehow not “allowed” to relate with other autistic people (obviously, that’s not a correct line of thinking). I felt like, even though it totally makes sense and it’s def the appropriate diagnosis for me, it was weird–definitely difficult to sort of keep up and get my head around it. Everything in hindsight of my life makes 100% sense through this lens, and yet, it felt surreal. Not WRONG; but it was complex.

I think a lot of that stemmed from those two decades of suppressing the traits associated with my autism; things like downplaying or ignoring hypo- and hypersensitive sensory experiences, actively suppressing stims, and expending 90% of my day-to-day energy on just trying to slip “under the radar” in social interaction(let alone do well at it, God forbid). It wasn’t something I did out of conscious self loathing or anything like that; I actually assumed everyone grew up this way, and the world was just supposed to be a fuckin incomprehensible mess of unpleasant sounds and obscure subliminal social cues that people drop just for fun and sometimes things just swirl together into a big mess and you can’t focus and you can’t talk and this is just how the world IS. That we all grow up feeling like aliens and we’re all just pretending. That specific feeling wore off as I grew older and more prone to feeling directly isolated (so now IM the only alien), but the idea that “the world just Is Like This” stuck. It was HUGE to me when I realized that neurotypical people don’t usually relate to that mess. And, more importantly, that all this time-and-energy-consuming self-discipline was suddenly unnecessary, because those things had a reason and they had a meaning and they were mine. That’s weird. It’s good but it’s weird. To take in that those things have patterns and explanations and other people feel them too is overwhelming and beautiful and weird.

It’s weird as hell to feel like some kind of spy in a foreign country trying to blend in with a culture you don’t understand for 20 years, or some kinda alien, an animal in a cage doing tricks for a faceless crowd, only to have that moment where–it’s OKAY and things MAKE SENSE. It’s mine and it’s good and i don’t have to work so hard to be “like them” because I’m not. I can’t be.

I can’t be! Even when people call me (and you) things like “high functioning” it’s measuring my ability to be “like them”–which is something I can’t be. It’s measuring how I function compared to a neurotypical person, and it feels moot, because I’m NOT. It’s a measure of how good I am at pretending to be neurotypical. And guess what: after 20 years, I’m pretty damn good at it! :p

It makes sense, but it’s scary. Because I can finally get to know me, the autistic person–the person I’ve been subconsciously smothering for 20 years. That’s scary, and exciting, and comforting, all at once.

So after all that rambling, here’s one tip: lean into that. Hard. Indulge in something that makes you go “wow, this is pretty autistic” (whatever that might entail for YOU; I get really into obnoxiously elaborate organization systems for my hobby supplies, as one example) and just…let yourself enjoy it. Try a bunch of stim toys if you haven’t had the chance. Find a friend who has an hour or five to spare and tell them about your special interest, if you have one. Explore how you feel when you’re treating yourself to this kind of thing. Feel it all the way through. Take your time to get to know it.

I didn’t really go out and do research and look up more than I already knew–I focused way more on what I was feeling and how this new set of facts interwove with that, that it all made sense and for the first time I was in control of that and could indulge it consciously in a very pleasant way. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time because I’m expending less energy suppressing myself, while simultaneously spending more time being gentle to myself and indulging those autistic traits to bring an overall soothing. I think reviewing your own history and figuring out what makes your autism tick is super helpful in making you comfortable with it–finding what things appeal to you and utilizing those tools fully with the “armor” of your diagnosis. Before, I was often worried because “other people don’t do this” or “doing that is weird”–now, I do these things (stimming, accommodating for my sensory needs, etc) without feeling as bashful about it, because I know now that this is part of my experience with autism. I have that word, I have this diagnosis, and I can use that as my shield against those 20 years of pressure and shame. And if someone thinks my stim or my avoidance of certain touch IS weird–well, that’s their problem, lmfao. I spent 20 years suffering; I’m going to take full advantage of this new flourishing beauty.

To me, this experience isn’t about learning something new (as you said; it’s not new information)–but leaning into it and embracing what was there from the start. If you’re like me and have spent most of your life suppressing these things, indulging them may help you transition through the “whoa” into the “this is good” :p leaning into it HARD was def one of the best things I did hahahaha

another thing I did a lot was just reflection–I’ve spent a lot of time going over my own behaviors, reflecting on the past through this new lens, that kind of thing. I’ve been exploring my own mindset and how my brain works all over again, and connecting the dots to my diagnosis like some huge constellation chart, and it’s one of the most soothing things I’ve ever done. Maybe it’s because I’m big on organization :p Just kind of training myself to apply this new sexy word to it was important to me. To be able to say “oh, I do this thing because autism” or “hey I’m autistic too” and use these terms in a real way helped make the diagnosis and how it applies to me “real” to me as well.

People (neurotypical people, that is) talk to me about “acceptance” and “coming to terms with” and such–and they’re saying the right words but they don’t mean the right thing. They say it like I feel bad about autism. They’re saying it like autism is bad. It’s not. This wasn’t a difficult diagnosis to get–its not really one i struggled to cope with receiving. But they’re right that it is about acceptance, and it is about coming to terms–it’s just a far gentler thing with a different emotional starting point. I was learning from scratch how to take care of myself, with a whole new box of tools and terms to help me; it was flourishing, it was thriving. It was not a scary new disease or some threatening Autism $peaks rhetoric; it was merely understanding, and accepting, and giving myself positive things I’ve been keeping away for too many years.

Step 1 to managing my difficulties is understanding them. Step 2 is being kind.

Upon receiving this diagnosis, things may simply seem to make a lot of sense. Maybe you don’t really feel like it’s a “big deal” the way people around you seem to. It might just be that perfect moment when a puzzle piece clicks into place and it was always meant to be there. That dissonance between other people’s behavior and how you feel might be confusing too (I had this!).

Now, you probably understand things in a new light. It’s a good thing to become closer with yourself. Be nice to yourself and explore your experience of the world with a new light–you don’t necessarily have to do anything huge with that new info, but acknowledging it and naming its root and learning to use it to be kind to yourself in the future is cool. Don’t pretend like it isn’t there; name it, in your head, when you notice a trait in yourself that stems from it. Let yourself know what those things are and what they come from, and make adjustments where necessary to accommodate them. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry.

It’s good. You are good. You have always been good. Thank you.