#whether they will only communicate for closure or finding ways to go through both worlds as they please

[ryllen]

obscure event that confirms yuu is well x x

[sublimecatgalaxy]

How about a Right Person/Wrong Time situation? Where Daryl and Reader were together before the apocalypse happen: for some reason it didn’t work out between them buuuut then they found each other again during the apocalypse and decided to give their relationship a second chance. Hihi. <33

I actually really like this because I am a first believer of right person/wrong time and Daryl has had SUCH character development throughout the show.

I don't think that Daryl and I ever expected to find one another ever again.

I wouldn't say we ended on bad terms- we never fought, we rarely had any toxic moments and there weren't any red flags to write home about- but we were just really different people. He had Merle and his horrible past relationships with the rest of the people closest to him. He was always very bad at communication and trust and he refused to even give a thought to anything that contradicted anything he was taught.

He didn't want to step on anyones toes and he didn't want to upset Merle in anyway.

So, whether I blame Merle or not for our downfall, I would just sum it up and say that we had learning and growing to do, even if we were well into adulthood and into our life when we called it quits.

We hadn't spoken to each other in months when the first National Emergency Broadcast System went out and rang out through our TV's and cellphones. It was horrible because my mind when to Daryl first. I thought of him and Merle and if they were safe. I knew they were both two very capable men and in the hands of a global pandemic and apocalypse, they were who I had my money on when it came to surviving.

At least I was right about one of them.

One thing I wasn't right about was how much he's changed.

When I arrived at Hilltop about a decade after leaving a group who resided in a subway in Washington DC, I was shocked to see the civilization that had formed. I learned about the other places; Oceanside, Alexandria, the Kingdom, and soon met a lot of the people who came with all of these lovely places.

It was the closest thing to normal civilization but, in my opinion, much better and much simpler. I immediately thought that Daryl would've loved how simple it was and how natural it was too. He was always about living off the land and hunting, camping- hell we'd go on so many 'camping dates' it's ridiculous.

The first time Daryl was mentioned, it was after Michonne told me about Rick and how he had died. She told me that one of her closest friends, Daryl, had been searching for Rick, even if it meant only finding a body and allowing him and her to get closure regarding his death.

She explained that he liked to be alone and he really preferred to just do his own thing and not have to answer to anyone. I remember thinking that her explanation of him really fit the Daryl that I had known but when talking about his protectiveness and care for the people of the different townships, I was a bit thrown.

Daryl was always caring but not 'sacrificing himself for his best friends kid' type caring.

It took going out with Michonne to Daryl's cabin to realize that her Daryl was also my Daryl.

And, man, had my Daryl changed.

His hair was incredibly longer but somehow suited him better than any other haircut he'd ever had. He's way more built, muscular too, and he just looked stronger and healthier than the last time I had seen him. He aged well, better than I had for sure.

"Y/n?" Daryl mutters as the box of fruit drops from his hands, Michonne looking between the two of us with furrowed brows, her lips parting and I turn to her with wide eyes.

"You two know each other?" I stutter out a quiet yes as Daryl takes a step forward towards me but I take a step backwards, shocked and overstimulated by everything happening all at once. I expected him to survive, sure, but I never expected our paths to cross again- not with the size of the world.

"How are you here?" Daryl asks, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck, his cheeks blushed in a vibrant, deep red. I just pause, my jaw slacking as I struggle to get a breath in. "Fuck, I-" He cuts himself and turns to Michonne with a dumbfounded expression. "This is Y/n, Michonne, the same one." Michonne reaches out and places a hand on my upper arm and I watch as Daryl just shifts anxiously.

It doesn't take long before I'm ignoring all of my questions and intrusive thoughts, running full speed to Daryl and throwing myself into his arms, almost taking him off his feet completely. He cradles the back of my head without a second to spare, tucking his face in the crook of my neck desperately.

Michonne stayed to listen to our explanation, how we knew each other, some of the stories that we have of Merle and late night adventures. But eventually, it came time to make the decision to go back with Michonne or stay with Daryl.

I made the decision to stay with Daryl. And I only went back to the townships if I was going with Daryl, never leaving his side after that.

"Aye," I roll over in bed to see Daryl standing in the doorway, his eyes fondly looking over me as I grin, stretching across the empty side of his bed. "Don' look at me like that." He laughs, folding his arms over his chest as he attempts to reprimand the flirty looks I'm sending his way.

I can hear Dog barking at the front door of the cabin but Daryl ignores him, not daring to look away from me as I huff. "C'mon, you don't gotta go yet." I offer with a gentle pout and he rolls his eyes, taking a hesitant step into the room, his eyes sweeping low to the floor.

"Gotta go get us some food. Or else I'm gon' listen to you complain all day." He shrugs with a small smirk, ignoring the offended gasp that leaves me. I slip out from under the covers, crawling to the end of the bed that's closest to him, resting my hands on my knees.

"I won't complain if you get back in bed with me and I'll make sure to go hunting with you in a little bit." His eyebrows perk up at my offer, his lip tucking between his teeth as he ponders my offer. "Ya know, after I get what I want." Finally his eyes flutter up to meet mine, his hues now ten times darker as he takes another step towards me, reaching out to cup my cheeks gently in his hands, tilting my chin up to look at him through my lashes.

"And what's that?" He whispers but the question only makes my grin widen, answering his question without another word. "Fine, half an hour, then we get our asses up, got it?" Before he can say anything else, my fingers curl around the collar of his shirt, pulling him down so I can slip down on top of him. He looks up at me breathlessly, shaking his head teasingly at the sneaky grin on my lips.

"Yes sir."

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[apixrl]

DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

[westwingwolf]

In this post, I go into a long, defensive character/ship study for reflection after New Blood so for the sake of not clogging the tag and anyone who doesn’t want to see it or doesn’t want to be spoiled, it’s under the cut.

I think if you are looking for Tim to apologize for some of those early days, you are going to be disappointed. At least for a while. Because Tim sees a lot of what he did as practical training methods he’d use on any other rookie. Whether that’s right or wrong in your opinion, doesn’t matter. It’s how Tim sees it and therefore how the writers intend for him to see it. For all else, any time Tim crossed a line: he was called out, acknowledged it himself, apologized and/or thanked Lucy for her help.

A lot of those things were what Tim was going to do to any rookie if he thought that was the type of training the rookie needed. Tim says he is a show type of guy. He isn’t just going to tell a rookie the wrong or right method. He is going to create a scenario in which they learn it the hard way but in a safe, controlled environment. He was going to kick Jackson out of the car if he got the answer wrong, but Jackson got it right. And when he realized Jackson needed a different type of training to help him get over his fear of gunfire or quit or else Angela would get fired, he changed his tactics. And both times literally end up saving his own life. Lucy knew exactly where she was when she radioed that Tim had been shot. Jackson ran down the armed guy shooting at Tim because Tim said if he couldn’t get into the fight to stay in the car, so Jackson found a way around that.

The way Lucy words it, it doesn’t sound like she believes that Tim tormented her all through the job. Just that first day (well, and the second but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that those first 2 shifts can be treated like a first day) and some time after. Because the next thing she mentioned as a month later is the bathroom incident. That happened the day Tim came back to work after being shot. In between time which she spent an entire shift with Officer Wrigley(?) who was nice and treated her like a rockstar, and was boring because he wouldn’t take interesting calls. She is stuck with that until Tim questions if she is just going to let a criminal get away when she can do something about it. She called him a pain in her ass which he responded was the job. In that moment you can see that Lucy is not going to back down, and that Tim sees this as how to best train her. Their reactions of each other shows a mutual understanding of the other and the start of an acceptance. And maybe Tim does torment Lucy a little all through the job just to keep her on her toes.

As to the bathroom incident: in Amber, Harper made a point of saying how important it is to find a proper bathroom so that’s obviously something they teach at the academy or veterans learn through experience. And Lucy knew to secure the bathroom which she did. Just not enough. And Tim knew that would probably happen so he took advantage of that. Just as he would if any other rookie who needed that type of training had done that. This happened before he got the call about Isabel. The things he did after, intentionally starting a fight with the biker gang, that was out of line because he was upset about Isabel. And Lucy called him out on that. Just as she has done every time since Tim has stepped over the line.

I don’t believe Lucy actually gets triggered when she walks into a shoe store. Exaggeration to prove a point through humor. I laughed anyways. Especially since I’m sure the things that actually trigger Lucy are more like complete darkness and locked in confined, tight places. Does he say boot more than anyone else? Yes. Does that change depending on the outward image Tim is trying to convey? Also yes. The hardass Tim was those first few days/weeks/months (depending on which timeline we are going with) is not who he truly is. And Lucy knows that. She sticks up for him more than anyone. She calls him out on his shit, but also reminds him he is a good person. That side of him only comes back out when he truly fears not being tough will cause a setback. Such as when he yelled at her for having something in her gun hand other than her gun after Chris was shot and his TO pointed out that he told him how to proceed and his rookie didn’t listen. And Lucy wasn’t even mad at Tim about that because by then she knows him and what he is like. All her anger was at Emmett for stepping in where he shouldn’t. Because Lucy can handle herself, and she can handle Tim. Which Tim knows perfectly well and has said so. If Lucy was truly so upset by all that Tim has done, she wouldn’t insist that they are friends. Yes, she was eager to get out of training, but she also took the time to ensure that they had proper acknowledgment as to the closure of her training. And an acceptance that they would be friends from this point on was admitted by both of them in that “see you tomorrow.”

I’ll grant you the lessons can go overboard, but they actually work. When Lucy was in that bomber’s house after he set a bomb, she told Harper to get clear of the house and radio for help. Why? Because she learned that radio frequencies can sometimes set off bombs. She never forgot that lesson. And used it as payback for Tim later so double bonus.

So here is where Lucy can differ from any other rookie trained the same way by Tim. She learned those lessons and remembers them later when she is more or less by herself. It’s not just something that can be told and hope you remember when the necessary time comes. It is something lived through experience, again in a safer and more controlled environment, that she remembers. Maybe not all rookies would, but she did. And where she differs is how she gets Tim back anytime she feels he needs payback: stealing his money clip, giving him her bar tab as an evaluation, giving him his own powder bomb, etc. Things no other rookie would dare try, and he lets her get away with it. Because I think he actually likes that he found someone who can match his diabolical ways. Honestly, if these two weren’t such good people at heart, they’d pair up to be the world’s greatest supervillains.

Jackson called Lucy out on why would she want Tim to torment someone else if she hated how he treated her. So either she didn’t have that big of a problem with it or she doesn’t like the implication that it was something wrong about her that Tim felt warranted that kind of treatment. Yes, Lucy needs praise. She has always needed praise. Especially from authority figures. (Yes, I know the implications of that from a shipping POV, but if you are already shipping Chenford, you’re either ignoring it or waiting until it’s no longer an issue or both.) It’s clear from her relationship with her parents that she at first tried to get it from them. That’s why she studied psychology. To please them. And once she found what she wanted and stuck with it, she thought they’d be happy for her and she’d get that praise but she didn’t. She is still looking for it in her life. So she looks at this situation as there must have been something wrong with her and somehow the new rookie is better. Which Tim disproves. It wasn’t about her being less than; it’s about her being different and needing different training tactics. And her differences are actually things Lucy values, and Tim values too (clearly as he is tried to get Barnes to see policing as helping people and not as engaging enemy combatants. Plus take a look at how Tim treats people in the community even ones he previously arrested. He still tries to help them.) But Tim recognizes Lucy also needed a different perspective even if her perspective still ultimately wins out. Which Lucy acknowledges in Resolutions. She still chooses to be a cop in her own way. She still values empathy and compassion first and foremost. Seeing the world as the scary place it can be just rounds out her perspective, but it doesn’t overwhelm it. And Tim stopped pushing that perspective after Lucy found out just how scary the world can be. Because Lucy has been though all of that, gained perspective but still stayed true to herself, she is a good cop. Again, something Tim acknowledged. He disavowed her of the idea that she was somehow less, explained his position, and complimented her with probably the highest compliment he could give someone: the respect of being a good cop.

That difference in how Tim & Lucy approach things is what made them such a great partnership. Tim sees things with suspicion first, compassion second. While Lucy is compassion first, suspicion second. They both quickly adapt to either, but also help the other with finding the necessary POV. So they hardly ever miss anything because if one doesn’t see it, the other will. They are complimentary but not so stubborn in their own initial POVs that they force the issue making things worse. If one is passionate in their belief, the other will follow their decision.

So here is my point: whatever they went through before, good and bad, does not have a drastic effect on discouraging their friendship (and possibly romantic relationship). All of that is more or less fond (okay not so fond) memories. They understand each other, have forgiven each other (Lucy more than Tim because Tim crossed more lines), accepted their faults, encouraged each other, acknowledged each other, and basically formed a lasting bond that is more than TO/rookie and even more than most friendships can be lucky to have. Perhaps even more than most romantic relationships get. And frankly, holding any past mistakes over each other’s head to the point of disgruntlement would not lead to a healthy relationship. Which is why I don’t think Lucy truly holds what Tim did against him. I think it was as it appeared: wondering why the new rookie was treated differently and if that is a reflection on her. Which it wasn’t in any negative way. But to make her point about the differences, Lucy had to list the ways Tim handled everything in their early days. And to make his point, Tim clearly explains the differences and what necessitates that difference. An apology for any of that would negate the point he was making. If Lucy was truly upset in any lasting way, she wouldn’t have immediately worried about Barnes, and she wouldn’t have been so happy at Tim’s compliment.

Will Tim ever apologize for the early days? Maybe. Maybe not. Does he need to? I don’t think so. Not for me anyways. Because Tim is a show me type of guy, and he has shown Lucy in so many ways how much he values her. And Lucy has shown that that means more to her than anything.

[dameronology]

the one that got away {poe x reader}

summary: based on the song the one that got away by katy perry 

this song has been my jam since i was about 11 and i’m now closer to being 20 than i am to being 11 and that’s making me panic! everywhere and not just exclusively at the disco but it made me produce this 

warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of smut 

enjoy, 

- jazz

Poe Dameron had always believed in true love.

He saw it not only within his parents’ relationship but everywhere he looked: in the couple who lived next door to his childhood home, in the bar where he worked during his time at the academy, in couples walking down the street. It was everywhere and nowhere; the kind of thing that you could feel in your soul but never physically grasp - or, at least that had been his initial understanding of it. 

Then Poe met you.

That was how he realised that love was very much something he could physically feel. Not only could he feel it, he could see it and he could hear it and he could finally understand it. You were the answer to every question he’d ever had. 

He could feel it whenever you held his hand and he could hear it whenever you laughed at one of his terrible jokes. Whenever he simply looked at you - whether it was under the blinding morning light or simply the outline of your and against his chest in the dark - it was there. What had started as a stupid fling in the academy had turned into something more. You were his whole world, his everything.

Poe was your soulmate; your best friend and your partner-in-crime (or as you had affectionally dubbed him, your poetner-in-crime). You were always on the same wavelength, emitting the same chaotic energy and terrible jokes. You had each other’s backs to no end, the kind of bond that spanned the galaxy and back ten times over. The love between was the kind that very few people were lucky enough to experience. 

‘Poe, quick!’ 

You were tearing down the corridor, fingers intertwined. Almost tripping over each other, you skidded around a corner and into a dark classroom, slamming the door behind you. You fell back against the door, Poe’s arms on either side of you as he leant against you, body shaking with laughter.

‘His face!’ The pilot could barely control his laughter. ‘Maker, I’ve never seen the guy so angry.’

‘That’ll teach him to fuck with us again.’ You smiled.

‘Us.’ Poe repeated your words back to you.

‘Yeah?’ You grin grew wider. You pushed a few strewn, dark curls back off his face. ‘Me too.’

‘I love you.’ His hand ghosted your cheekbone, resting on your face for a moment. 

‘I love you too.’ You leant up to kiss him, revelling in the feeling of his lips against yours. It was the feeling of home; warm and soft and welcoming all at once. 

‘Forever?’

‘Forever.’ 

Nothing could come between you - until it did.

The war. 

The beginning of another civil war were in the making. People who had lived through the first one had the same sense of unease they did the first time around; the appearance of more TIE fighters in the sky, more recruits coming to the academy, training increasing tenfold. There was discontent across the galaxy and nobody knew what was coming. 

Poe left first. He was a few years ahead of you in terms of training, having been piloting since he was a kid. That, paired with his admirable recklessness and natural leadership, made him perfect for the Resistance. You were his whole damn world but he had to fight for the galaxy; a galaxy in which you could both have a future. 

‘I guess this is it.’ 

You were stood in front of Poe’s X-Wing, hands shakily intertwined as you tried your hardest not to digest what was happening. If you did, he would probably try to say. Or worse, you would try to go with him before you were ready. 

‘It’s only a few months.’ Poe’s voice was wobbly, and he gripped your hands tighter. ‘A year at most, and then you’ll come out and join me. Right?’

‘Right.’ You nodded, a tear splashing down your cheek. ‘And we’ll talk all the time. Beebs always knows where to find me.’

‘I love you.’ He pressed his forehead to yours, lips momentarily brushing together as he trembled. ‘I love you so much.’

‘I love you too.’ You murmured. ‘If this is it, I’m always going-’

‘- we literally just said.’ Poe almost reeled back. ‘We’re going to see each other again.’

‘But if we don’t-’

‘- say it.’ Poe’s voice was firm, his grip on your hands inhumanly tight. ‘Say that we’ll see each other again. Promise me.’

You sighed, trying to calm yourself for a moment. You wanted to be hopeful, to think of a future where two could find your way back to each other - but you had a feeling that wasn’t going to be the case. The galaxy was getting darker and darker by the day and the light at the end of the tunnel seemed impossibly far away. 

‘I promise.’ The words were barely a whisper.

‘Take this.’ Poe reached up to the chain around his neck, pulling the ring off. 

‘Poe, I can’t ask that of you-’

‘- you’re not asking. I’m telling.’ He shook his head. Taking your hand in his, he slipped his mother’s ring across your middle finger. ‘Forever, right?’

‘Forever.’

You would both come to learn that forever was a long time - almost as long as the months you spent apart. 

At first, you would talk every day. You would talk to him via the holo-link in your droids, sharing stories about your day and talking about what you were going to do when you saw each other again. It felt like you were hopelessly clinging onto a distant dream, desperately wishing that the promises you were making could ever be fulfilled. You spoke about where you were going to live (Coruscant, probably) and what you were going to name your kids (Leo for a boy, Shara for a girl). 

But then your calls became less and less regular. Poe was being taken all over the galaxy on his missions and you were busy trying to finish your training. What had been a daily thing turned into one of a weekly nature, and before you knew it, it was a two-or-three-times a month affair.

You were tired whenever you spoke, and Poe was grumpy. You’d been worn down with your training and his body had been torn through eleven different timezones in a week. The hope that you’d both once had was almost completely faded, replaced with concern for the war. All your energy was going into fighting - sometimes for the Resistance, sometimes with each other.

Then the calls stopped. 

You couldn’t exactly recall when you realised it was over but some part of you just knew; there was no conversation, no closure. It was over, just like that. You didn’t even have time to think about it or to cry about it. The fact that you’d lost Poe Dameron was just a reality of life - a painful one, but a reality nonetheless. 

You took the ring off, putting it in a safe space to give back to him should you ever cross paths again. You wouldn’t - not for a few years. 

Almost a year to the day that Poe left, Leia Organa recruited you into the Resistance. It was a different base to your former love, systems away in the Outer Rim. Your work was focused mostly on communications and collecting data for building new bases. It felt good to finally be doing your part for the cause but you couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. 

(It was Poe. Poe was the thing that was missing). 

Time flew by. You were jumping between planets, having a few near misses and experiencing your first real sense of loss; not only for your flyboy, but for your team-mates who didn’t make it back. You were haunted with thoughts of the same thing happening to Poe, of the idea that he could have already left for his last mission without knowing it.

So, you started wearing the ring again. Even when you met somebody new - Perry, a six-foot-tall blonde gunner with a kind smile and a moderate sense of humour - you kept it on. You wore it when you kissed Perry for the first time and you wore it when he declared his love for you. 

He wasn’t Poe. He didn’t hold your hand the way Poe did or kiss you in the way that Poe did. He didn’t make you laugh like him or smile like him or feel like him. He wasn’t the same. Nobody could ever compare but you weren’t going to find the love of your life twice. It was like you’d won the lottery on your first ticket. Nobody won the jackpot twice. 

‘This is the bar that Leia said most of the other guys went to.’

You and Perry were stood outside a cantina; it was dark on Ajan Kloss, the sky lit in a low navy colour by the yellow of the moon. The signs of the establishment flashed before you, a welcome invitation away from the cold night. The air inside was stuffy in comparison, smelling of stale beer and filled with the sound of other Resistance pilots chortling and chatting. 

You were on a two-day lay over at another base. The whole squad needed a drink, given how rough the mission had been - whilst they sat down, you ditched your jacket and headed to the bar up front. 

Falling against the wooden counter, you let out a small oof! as somebody dropped against the bar next to you, He was too busy talking to someone, but you could have recognised him from anywhere. 

Poe Dameron had a warm presence; there was an aura about him, something welcoming and sweet. He still wore the same after shave and laughed with his whole body - that’s how you knew it was him. 

‘Poe.’ Your words weren’t really there, but he still managed to hear you.

‘Yeah?’ He spun around, doing a double take when he saw you. ‘Oh, shit.’

He looked tired; his hair was still dark and curly, but littered with more greys than it had been five years ago. His warm brown eyes were decorated with dark circles and he had a five-o-clock shadow on his chin. Still, he looked good. 

‘I - wow.’ You couldn’t find the words. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’ A small smile fell onto Poe’s lips. ‘Hi.’

A moment later, he had dropped his drink and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you flush against his chest. He hadn’t held you since the day he’d left all those years ago; a day that felt so alien to you both. Your immediate feeling was one of relief - Poe Dameron was alive, drinking in a bar and doing exactly what he said he’d always would (saving the galaxy). 

‘You’re...’ You trailed off, pulling back to stare at him. ‘You’re alive.’

‘Just about.’ Poe smiled at you. ‘And so are you - and you’re a Lieutenant.’

‘You’re a commander.’ Your eyes fell to the markings on his jacket. ‘That’s amazing, Poe.’

You were both thinking the same thing: we should have done it together. 

You should have been there to witness him rising through the ranks and he should have been there to welcome you to the Resistance with open arms. But life could be a bitch and she’d dealt you both the worst cards. The galaxy had done everything within its power to tear you apart.

‘It’s so good to see you.’ Poe bit his lip, brown eyes refusing to move from holding your gaze. ‘I know that we said-’

‘- don’t mention it.’ You shook your head. ‘We were pretty fucking naive, right?’

‘Right.’ He breathily laughed, nodding. ‘I still think about you, though.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ He smiled. ‘I think about the academy, and the day I left and - is that my mum’s ring?’

Poe’s eyes had fallen to your hand, where the metallic band still sat on your middle finger. You’d always promised yourself to give it back if you ever had the chance. After all, it was supposed to be a symbol of commitment, of your love for one another. It was a promise you’d made to each other before either of you knew what shit life was going to throw your way. 

‘Oh, yeah.’ You went to pull it off. 

‘No.’ Poe moved his hand to cover yours. ‘Keep it.’

‘Poe, it’s yours.’ You reminded him.

‘And I gave it to you.’ He replied. ‘I know...I know things didn’t go the way we wanted but I still mean everything I said.’

You smiled, nodding. ‘Thank you. Me too.’

‘Are you around later?’ Poe asked. ‘We should catch up. There’s a lot to talk about, right?’

‘Of course.’ You took a sip of your drink. ‘I’m staying in-’

‘- babe!’ Perry’s voice suddenly cut between the two of you. Your boyfriend appeared beside you, wrapping an arm around your waist. ‘What’s taking so long?’

Oh, yeah. Him. 

Maybe you weren’t around tonight. 

Five minutes with Poe Dameron had been enough to make you forget two years with your current boyfriend. He’d made you feel more in that brief conversation that Perry had in your whole relationship.

You didn’t mean to compare them, truly. It was just that there was no coming back from Poe Dameron; he was your soulmate then and you had a feeling he was your soulmate now. In fact, it wasn’t just a feeling; it was a certainty. 

That was what you told yourself when you snuck out of bed that night to see Poe. 

It was what you told yourself when he kissed you for the first time in five years. 

It was what you told yourself when you made love for the first time in five years. 

But repeating it over and over in your head wasn’t enough to make you stay the next morning. Even when you woke up in his arms, pressed against his bare chest with scratches on your back and bruises on your thighs, finally feeling like you were at home for the first time in five years, you couldn’t convince yourself to stay. You couldn’t fall back to him; you couldn’t let yourself get hurt all over again.

Perry didn’t ask where you went that night - and you never told him. 

You didn’t confess when he found you the next day and he confessed his love for you. You didn’t confess when he asked you to marry him six months later. 

There was now another ring sat next to Poe’s; shiny and expensive and far too big for your hands. It was where his ring should have been; instead, Shara Bey’s ring stayed on your middle finger, a constant reminder of what could have been - of what should have been. 

You were glad for that night with Poe. It felt like a goodbye for you both; like you’d finally got closure. At the same time, you didn’t want your time with Poe to reach a conclusion - you still wanted to hold out hope that the promises you’d made as a twenty-something would come true. You were engaged to marry another man but for some reason, you couldn’t see a future with anyone else.

Then there came a point where you couldn’t see a future at all. 

The First Order was closing in; the war was getting rougher and rougher. There were losses left right and centre. Missions were becoming longer and darker. The bags under your eyes were getting darker and each day, you strayed further and further from the light. It was hard to hold on, hard to see past the dark forces at play. 

That’s when you’d think back to another time; six or seven years prior, when it was just you and Poe against the world. You’d let your mind wander back to the times that you would stay up late, laughing and crying together. You remembered all the pacts and promises you’d made. How did you get here? 

Before you knew it, you were back on Ajon Kloss. Everyone had gathered to begin making preparations for the final battle. Nobody was calling it that - final was too scary of a word, after all - but everybody knew it. You were powering up your jet for what felt like the last time. 

‘Trident Squad, you’ll be behind Dagger. You know your orders.’

You were hardly listening to your commander, hands shaking as you played with the straps of your helmet. You were leaning against your X-Wing, trying to calm your breaths with clammy hands and a pounding chest. 

‘Hey.’ 

You looked up, eyes meeting Poe’s. Despite everything, you smiled. ‘Hey.’

‘You got engaged?’ His words were breathless. There was no greeting, no question of how you were. There was just the hurt in his words; the disbelief and the grief. 

‘I got engaged.’

‘Fuck.’ 

‘Fuck?’

‘Fuck.’

‘Yeah, you’re right.’ You nodded. ‘Fuck.’

Dropping your helmet to the ground, you met Poe half-way across the gap between you. He took you in his arms, lifting you off the ground for a moment as your bodies collided. He held you in his arms, a sad imitation of the last time you’d been stood together in front of an X-Wing. 

‘Do you...’ your words were muffled by his shoulder. ‘Are you sure you don’t want your ring back?’

‘That’s what I was trying to say last time I saw you.’ Poe put you back down; his hands stayed on your waist. ‘My mum told me to give it to whoever I wanted to spend my life with.’

‘Poe-’

‘- I know.’ He cut you off. ‘You promised to marry Pete-’

‘- Perry-’

‘- whatever.’ You couldn’t help but laugh at his flippancy. ‘Just because I can’t spend my life with you doesn’t mean I can’t want to.’

‘That makes no sense.’

‘None of this makes sense.’ Poe corrected you. ‘Normally I’m more than happy to respect the boundaries of another guys relationship but...but it’s you.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I gotta ask.’ He have your hips a light squeeze. ‘If we make it out alive, there’s no chance at all that you and I can finally be together?’

‘Poe, I-’

‘- Captain!’ The sound of your commander’s voice came from around the corner. ‘We’re heading out now! Power up!’

‘I have to go.’ You took a step backwards, but he still clung onto your hands. 

‘I love you.’ Poe gave you a watery smile.

‘I know.’

‘Forever?’

‘Forever.’ 

tags: @blacksquadron-rougetwo​ @drinksomecoco​ @obi-wankenobae​

[be-not-afeared]

Black Sails fic recs

Working titles: 12 fics for christmas? 12 days of ficmas? 12 fics none of which actually have anything to do with christmas?

OKAY, so I love nothing more than a fic rec post, and I’ve seen a few Black Sails rec posts floating around but they mostly seem to be a couple of years old and they all recommend a similar bunch of fics (and deservedly so! they are all amazing!). But I thought I would make one to highlight some newer or less shouted-about fics, because I may have only been here for a couple of months but jfc there is so much talent in this fandom and more of it deserves to be hyped. 

So, here are 12 of my favourite fics for the 12 days of christmas! (i.e. an excuse to put an arbitrary number cap on the list or we’d be here all day)

The majority of these are Silver/Flint and the ones that aren’t still all feature Silver prominently because that boy owns my soul, sorry for who I am as a person.

we should rip it straight out by minormendings

45K (Silver/Madi, Silver/Flint, Flint/Thomas)

Madi has always wondered if Silver understands what is between him and Flint as well as she. To her, it has always been obvious, from the way the two of them had fit together, had worried about each other, had acted as one. She had tried to bring it up with Silver back when they were together. But Silver had shaken her off, too enmired in the idea that he or Flint would prove each other’s downfall. Or perhaps just unwilling to open his eyes to the fact that he had loved Flint.

It was, unfortunately for the both of them, even more obvious after the thing between them had broken. Just as Silver had thrown away the war out of love for her, Flint had let Silver take away the war rather than kill him.

God. What a group the three of them were, showing love by betrayal.

Post-canon. Madi and Flint find their way back to Silver.

This fic diverges from canon right at the end of the 4x10; Silver has Flint held in a cell in Port Royal and Thomas delivered to him rather than taking him straight to the plantation. It is a BEAUTIFUL character study of how Flint and Madi could both come to forgive Silver, and has a great FlintMadi dynamic too. It also centres Madi’s struggle between wanting to provide for her people and wanting to experience the freedom of piracy, and fleshes out Julius’ character in a way the show never did. 

we can lose and call it living by I_wouldnt_be_one_of_them

31K (Silver/Flint/Thomas, Silver/Flint, Flint/Thomas)

It's been twelve years since everything fell apart, and John Silver is settled in New England. He has a nice house and a job he likes, and he's gotten used to the loneliness. It's a good life, he thinks, but of course that's cast into doubt when James Flint and Thomas Hamilton show up to find closure and, apparently, to see whether he's happy.

This is an inverse of the ‘silver arrives on flint and thomas’ doorstep’ trope and has Flint and Thomas instead being the ones to interrupt Silver, who is living a sad and lonely existence post-series. I love the ThomasSilver dynamic here. And this Silver feels so true to canon he makes me want to WEEP.

Tell me we're dead and I'll love you even more by Craftnarok

21K (Silver/Flint)

In the year 1725, or thereabouts, John Silver finds himself driven by a storm into an inconsequential little port town, barely a speck on any civilised map. Returned to the life of a drifter, tired and rough around the edges, he is resigned to waiting for the weather to pass before he can sail on again to the next town, and the next, and the next. That is until he overhears a conversation in the inn about a local fisherman, one Captain Barlow, and his tall tales of tempests and becalmings, devils and sharks, and Silver finds a new future opening up to him, haunted by the spectres of his past.

All of Craftnarok’s fics are amazing but I am particularly drawn to this one; it’s set 10 years post-series and is a delightfully angsty exploration of how Flint and Silver could find their way back to each other in a scenario in which Thomas wasn’t at the plantation. It doesn’t let Silver off easy and I love that.

armed with the past and the will by whimsicalimages

3K (Silver/Madi, Madi & Julius)

The language of winning and losing, this language that men favor – Madi can speak this language, though she disagrees with its precepts. Success takes different forms, and failing once does not mean failing forever. It does not even mean failing the next time.

Post-series, Julius teaches Madi how to fight. This fic is BEAUTIFUL - give me anything that centres Madi post-canon - and it explores Madi’s relationship with both Julius and Silver so well in so few words. 

Always In Season by mycapeisplaid

60K (Silver/Flint, past Flint/Thomas, past Silver/Madi)

Towering sand dunes, crystal-clear water, miles of forest, vineyards, orchards, and very spotty cellular service -- John Silver finds himself in a part of the state he's never been before and decides to take on seasonal work. Meanwhile, back from his yearly wintering in Florida, James Flint thinks that perhaps he'll take on a new business venture, even though it means he might have to interact with people other than his two close friends. Their summer employment fosters a friendship that could become something more. Like construction season in Michigan, the two must navigate through their own obstacles in order to seek an alternative route toward happiness.

This is an AU and so much fun!! Silver finds himself in Michigan and takes on some seasonal work at Guthrie Dunes. The whole cast features and the setting just WORKS SO WELL. And this Flint feels brilliantly in character despite the difference in setting.

to make a life by gone_girl

53K (Max/Anne, Max & Silver)

“What am I going to do with your name?” Max asks, a little incredulous.

“Whatever you want,” the salesman says. “Didn’t you want something real?”

Max heard a story once about the importance of answering questions like that carefully. If something emerges from the forest and asks for your name, don’t give it up, the story went. Offer only what you know you can live without. She’s never heard a story that tells her what to do when something emerges from the forest and offers its name to you.

I literally only finished this this morning but holy shit this fic is amazing, it’s a Max-centric AU set in Missouri the early 00s and it’s all about found family and building community and platonic love and it has a brilliant SilverMadi dynamic. And there just aren’t enough fics out there that focus on Max & Silver!! 

the straight walk home by vowelinthug

73K (Silver/Flint)

Let me tell you a story, about a vaquero named Vasquez…

Obviously vowelinthug’s fics are recc’d all the time and rightly so as they are AMAZING, but one that I don’t see featured as often as the more prominent ones is this incredible Western!AU. It’s 73K guys!! It adapts the canon narrative into the Western setting SO well!! It has background Vane/Billy which I was not at all sure about going in but just WORKS!! Go read it.

The Truth about Eros by Aisalynn

21K (Silver/Flint, Silver/Madi, Flint/Thomas)

Silver understood one thing very well.

Being Fated did not mean you were safe.

It did not mean you were loved.

This one is hot off the press! I am not normally a fan of soulmate AUs but this is such an interesting take on the trope, and the world building fits around the polyamory theme of the show really effectively! And it is SO well written.

With Nothing on My Tongue by RosieTwiggs

13K (Silver/Flint, Silver/Madi)

"Silver thinks: Maybe God likes it when I fight with him.

He wonders now, whether he’s been playing into God’s plan all along. Because no matter how angry he gets, how defensive, how many “fuck you”s he flings to the heaven, isn’t it all just proof that he still believes God is there, despite it all?

Silver doesn’t know how to counter that.

Maybe he doesn’t want to anymore."

An incredibly well written (and angsty! read the tags!) Jewish!Silver character study. This one has really stayed with me.

Maybe in Another Life by samedifference61

31K (Silver/Flint/Madi, Flint/Madi, Silver/Flint, Silver/Madi)

At the rail of a ship James doesn’t command, they stand shoulder to shoulder.

“John still thinks you’re dead,” James states, because it’s something that needs to be said aloud before they continue.

With eyes unblinking toward the rolling sea, Madi says, “And he still thinks you should be dead.”

James’ lip curls in anger. The wounds of betrayal are too fresh for either to say anymore.

Canon-divergent from 4x09, this is a brilliant MadiFlint centric fic exploring their relationship post Silver’s betrayal, and how he could find his way back to them both whilst acknowledging the weight of his actions.

in a vault of starlight by whimsicalimages

7K (Silver/Madi/Flint/Thomas)

The distance between Nassau and Savannah can be measured as: six hundred and thirteen nautical miles, five thousand pounds’ worth of pearls, or four extraordinary lifetimes.

Alternatively: in the aftermath, Madi writes her own story.

There aren’t enough Madi centric fics out there! This one is a lovely extension of canon with a great MadiSilver dynamic in particular.

the aftershocks remain by pdameron

31K (Silver & Miranda, Silver/Flint)

For as long as he can remember, John Silver has been able to see ghosts. He has no trouble keeping this secret from Flint - until Charlestown. Until Miranda.

Again all of pdameron’s fics are brilliant but I loooove this SilverMiranda centric one, plus who doesn’t love a ghost!au.

[wilddarkchocolate]

Soooooo I just played muriel's reversed ending and oh do I have ideas-

This is a ramble so please understand that not much is gonna make sense.

Also spoilers~

This happens chronologically after MC and Muriel falls asleep at the end of the reversed end

Starts off with Muriel waking up and finding MC's side of the bed cold before realizing that they were gone. And that they had taken their part of their luggage and travelling equipment with them.

He goes back to bed thinking it was just a nightmare but no. When he wakes up they're still gone. Now he panics, after everything they talked about last night. About how they wouldn't be separated again and how stubborn MC was being with Muriel telling them to leave him and go back, surely they wouldn't have left in the middle of the night right? But no they're gone and what's left is a strange talisman on the pillow they slept in last night.

So Muriel thinks MC left and probably was on their way back with Asra and Julian to Vesuvia. He had expected this but it didn't stop the aching he felt without them. And the betrayal too. MC had been so stubborn about being with him so why did they leave?

Muriel tries to not question it and focus on his next destination but can't find himself to be motivated at all. Even saving people or killing beasts doesn't bring him any closure. It eventually is too much

He travels fast on his feet without taking breaks to intercept Asra and Julian's way to Vesuvia. He decided that if MC is going to put themselves in danger then so is he.

Cut to Muriel who's panting, covered in sweat and blood after all the beasts he had to slay to get to them. Yet when he does he finds them alone. MC no where in sight. He asks no demands where MC is but they have no clue. Asra even saying "Aren't they with you?" And that's when Muriel pales. Where would they have gone if not back to Asra and Julian? A million questions run through his head as Asra pieces together things and an overwhelming feeling of fear and shock overtakes him. He knew MC was capable of defending themselves yet he also knew how MC would rather die than leave Muriel. So what happened?

It wasn't an easy choice to make for MC. Being suddenly transported to Muriel's hut where some of the arcana were, while they were asleep. The Hanged Man, The Empress, The Magician and others. They come to MC telling them that they need their help to save the world once more and they have to revive Lucio as well as the devil that died with him.

They are mortified asking why the arcana had waited for a whole year before reaching for help and they explained that the balance breaking between worlds caused communication to be rather difficult.

MC eventually is asked whether they are willing to take this task of reviving Lucio. The arcana promise to help them along the way. At first MC says no, says that they had promised not to leave Muriel. Knowing reviving Lucio was going to not only anger Muriel but also having to go back to Vesuvia was going to be bad

The arcana insist that it's the only way for all of the worlds to be safe but MC who now no longer believes they can achieve much in the first place says no

The arcana are disappointed at first but the Magician being as sharp as ever says "what if we give you something in return? Something that can guarantee your lover's safety while you're away. You always talk about how he's not allowed to die so how about we set that in stone?"

MC is interested and the Magician explains that MC has been getting stronger gradually and that all the memories they have shared with Muriel are a lot stronger both due to their emotional connection and their magic.

So basically the Magician agrees that he can help them convert the memories into a strong protection spell that could protect Muriel from being hurt ever

MC is incredibly swayed while they had never doubted Muriel's ability to fight they have noticed the monsters have gotten stronger by the days and knew that they wouldn't be able to fight them forever.

So they agreed and while travelling alone with the help of the arcana they made a fast journey over to Vesuvia. Faster that the other confused and worried trio

Asra admits that he had been having weird dreams lately. Saying since ever since the sky broke and the beasts started showing up his connection to the magic realm had been muddled and he wasn't able to be in contact with his arcana.

He said he saw a vision where MC was able to fix everything but also remembering seeing Lucio being there. He said that he doesn't know how accurate his visions are anymore but says that it probably is important. After a talk they decided that they'll all three head back to Vesuvia. Thinking that's the most likely place they would find MC.

End scene for now :)

[starscream-the-first]

My Awakening as Starscream

The story of my awakening as Fictionkin, as Starscream the First. I wrote this many years ago but never shared it here. Now, I figured it wouldn’t hurt and might actually be educational for other fictionkin and non-fictionkin alike.

It all started when I was around only 4 or 5 years old. I had found myself enthralled with the F-15 eagle fighter jets in the movie, Top Gun. Its not the average favorite film of kids my age at the time, especially for a "girl" in the 90s. If that movie was on the television, I was watching it. I could feel the jets, what it was like to be one, and felt on this something I couldn't describe other than that I was one. This is the moment of realization for me, when I first awakened to those thoughts and feelings, and from there they never ceased. 

There are moments I remember quite well as a child. Swinging on a swing-set and closing my eyes, letting the winds wash over me and feeling as if I was flying. Or staring up at the clouds as I did so, watching a plane go by and imagining myself as one, up there creating cloud trails. I had only been on an actual plane once on a trip to Florida, afterwards my family avoiding them in fear. Yet I would eventually take a plane trip again later on, to which I rather enjoyed. 

Since as long as I can remember I've also had a strange connection to vehicles. I always felt like they were alive. I gave them names, I spoke to them. They weren't just "cars" to me. It's something that has stuck with me through out my life. I had the deepest relationship with a car I would get much later, my first car, but I don't want to veer too off topic now. The bottom line is they were always people to me. 

Fast forward to the year 2002, when I was around 8 years old, and the feelings became more narrowed. Transformers Armada had aired on cartoon network. I remember scrabbling downstairs early mornings to watch on the little gray box of a TV we had. It was then once again I felt the pull towards something.. something I was missing, a piece of myself that felt right. I never missed an episode, I was obsessed. I still had not quite figured out why at this point, I was too young to understand, but again, the feelings never stopped there. My favorite character was obvious to me from the start, though I tried to avoid that. I remember telling myself, "I can't like that one, cause he's the best". Its funny now I think how absolutely me it was to say.  

I began collecting figures sometime after that. My first figure being a Heroes of Cybertron Starscream. My collection really built up from there, and without taking much notice was filling up mostly with decepticons, and a large proportion of Starscreams. It was.. unintentional, almost subconscious actually. Whether it was at the shop, or wherever, if there was a section of Transformers, I was immediately drawn to the red white and blue seeker.  

Following that, the year 2007 rolls around. I am about 13 years old, and my connection to the Transformers and cybertronians is still strong. My friends and family refer to me often in connection to it. A commercial comes on and I hear, "___ your robots are on tv!" or a cool car rolls by, "look ___ its a transformer!" I've blanked out my human name for a few personal reasons. Anything in relation was usually brought to my attention. This is the year I became aware of the Otherkin community. I found during this time another moment when something clicked for me. Reading about these others experiences, what they described in feelings of homesickness, phantom sensations, and that overall description of not being human, I found myself. The thing that I had been feeling this whole time, put into words, and a community of other people who felt the same, I was ecstatic.  

From then on I have been putting together my own thoughts and feelings, unraveling the past of who I was, and still currently feel I am. Discovery has truly never gone away since starting this journey. Everyday I still feel there is so much to learn of myself, so many things I don't know, and hope to someday find out. I remember questioning Soundwave at one point, casting aside all the years of jet feelings, as I still wanted to avoid Starscream at all costs. Something inside me didn't want to see or accept it. I.. don't know why, but coming to terms with it wasn't easy. 

I couldn't deny the phantom shifts. Large jet wings on my back, thrusters on the heels of my feet, the feeling of hydraulics in my legs. Everything felt mechanically alive and it felt right. I wanted to feel my plating shift into place, to fold in on itself and allow me to take to the skies as I once did. I knew I was a jet from when I was very young, and this was why. I wasn't just a jet, I was Cybertronian. A bio-mechanical were-jet. A Transformer. 

Knowing what I was and who I am gave me closure to the thing that had been itching in the back of my mind for my whole life thus far. Though knowing this was only half of it. The past of it also creeps up on me in ways I least expect. Memories of things I'd done, places I've been, those who I'd known, and things I'd come to hate. There are 2 sides of the coin when it comes to the past. The good, and the bad. 

There was a time I was dating a guy. For some reason it pinged on me that our relationship was very familiar. I am not going to go into details of this 2 year back and forth adventure of breaking up, getting back together, and then breaking up for good another time.. but there was always something about him that reminded me of Skyfire. I couldn't unsee it. We were both in college together, studying the same course, and ended up partnered together for a project.. it all went off from there. Of course, it didn't work out, it very familiarly did not work out. It was never supposed to. It was one of those odd coincidences that I felt followed me from life to life, as I have a very strong feeling life does tend to repeat itself in ways. 

Its hard to explain. I like to compare it to the movie: Cloud Atlas. How the story switches from era to era with the same people, but they are born into different lives, different roles, but they are repeating. I feel like when it comes to reincarnation we live the same story over and over through different obstacles. Things tend to often give that feeling of Deja Vu. 

A year after that I met my current partner. I didn't tell them at first that I was Otherkin, as it was something private to me. I never imagined they would ever know, as I never told my previous partner. It wasn't something I talked about with people outside the community. Somehow it did come up though. There was something about our meeting that again had this ping of familiar-ness, that we already knew each other. And we did. I found Megatron. I don't want to say it was fate, but something caused our paths to cross again and there we were, together like old times.  

In that moment I truly felt connected to myself, I knew who I was. It has not changed for me ever since the very beginning. My past is my present, and I can not change who I am. My awakening has been a lifelong event, but I'd say the moment I watched that "Top Gun" film was the day a whole world opened up to me. -Starscream the First (Sept 6 ,2015)

[that-wizard-oki]

if your up to rambling about it more, how would arc 3 have gone with morganthe there?

Alright anon, and all who happen to be interested in my damn theories... after 2 very long days, here are my... general... ideas on how Arc 3 might have gone with Morganthe present.

This is a long one my dudes. Grab a snack, take a seat, and if you make it to the end, thanks for reading. 

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Morganthe & The Wizard’s Character Foil would be the cornerstone of this arc.

Y’know how everyone talks about Zuko and Aang being one of the greatest character foils in fiction? Well, in a nutshell, I think that Khrysalis part 1 & 2 (and arguably the entire second arc) built up this wonderful relationship between Morganthe & The Wizard- one that i think could easily be just as memorable and clever as the aforementioned. 

If you’re unfamiliar with my thought’s on this idea, here’s a rundown:

All throughout arc 2, Morganthe’s dialogue towards the wizard is usually focused on things they both have in common. We’re both students of Ravenwood, both have studied under Merle Ambrose directly, we were both considered prodigies, respectively. Some other characters also bring up things here and there, most notably Tse Tse Snaketail in Mirror Lake (which, by the way… mirror lake…c’mon) who claimed “she (Morganthe) knows you better than you know yourself!” 

Azteca is when we really begin to see the foil between Morganthe and the Wizard start to be set in motion. Azteca itself is the first time I think our wizard is truly and utterly overwhelmed with obstacles- Between the impending doom of Xibalba, the raising of the Undead (once again, mind you), the revival of our last greatest foe, AND the fact that Morganthe, the puppet master behind this all, is always one step ahead of us the entire time. 

A huge moment for the Wizard IS that we fail in Azteca. This is where our wizard has to face the sting of failure, and it runs deep. While the wizard has thus far fought against evil within the Spiral for the sake of justice and protection, NOW the wizard's motivation to go after Morganthe has shifted from the general expectation to do so, to something MUCH more personal. Our desire to ensure Morganthe is defeated, is forever tied to our own sense of self worth- if we don’t defeat her, we are a failure.

 We can easily see the parallel between this and Morganthe’s motivation, which has thus far been fueled by her desire to show Merle what she’s capable of- and that she will go to the greatest length to prove so. 

In Khrysalis, we see the Wizard grow into a similar mindset. They’re much more rash in how they go about pursuing Morganthe, learning ways to try and fight her more evenly when the time comes, and eventually hunting her down. It snowballs to the point where our wizard, despite several warnings, decides to release the god of chaos under the presumption that he will aid them in their goal to defeat the shadow queen. Even more alarmingly, Spider reveals to the Wizard that Morganthe was actually infused with this great power (not stolen, like the arachna had claimed), and that the arachna had groomed her into a weapon of mass destruction by design. Despite knowing that Morganthe was just a puppet on strings this whole time, our wizard still feels that defeating her is the only way to truly avenge themselves. THIS is what Old Cob was hoping for. He WANTED the wizard to be so self absorbed in the idea that Morganthe’s very existence was something that the Spiral, that the Wizard themselves needed to be cleansed of. 

And we played right into the palm of his hand, and after we defeated her, Spider released his children and nightmares into the world. However, It is not gratifying relief we are met with. Instead, there is only a long, daunting, shadow, and it’s in our likeness.

This was a little watered down, but these parallels between Morganthe & The Wizard has always been so interesting to me, and when Arc 3 began, I was fully expecting Morganthe to return in SOME way and the wizard would have to go through a self-reflective journey WITH her in order to really come to terms with what they did, or that Cob was hurting them instead of helping.

Of course, that’s not what we got… but to answer your question now anon- what do i think Arc 3 should have been with Morganthe there, with all this in mind? 

Obviously, Morganthe and the Wizard need to have their development & closure- but let’s take a deeper look into how that would work for the both of them.

First off, Morganthe needs a reason to return. Character wise, she has a few purposes:

She was the closest one who had been connected to Old Cob. Even if most of it was him manipulating her, they shared a connection through Morganthe’s intrigue of Shadow Magic, and perhaps she had directly communicated to him at one point. 

Besides Spider himself, she probably knows more about Shadow Magic than any other being in the Spiral. She WAS the one who re-discovered the existence of Shadow Magic, after all. 

To expand on this reason, I think Morganthe might have even figured out ways to connect with her own Shadow in more uh, constructive ways, than perhaps Spider and Raven (I’ll get into this later). 

With these factors, I think Morganthe being present in Arc 3 means that she would have been a very valuable asset in helping the Wizard & crew go after Spider/Raven simultaneously.

Now, I think a really fun way to integrate Morganthe into Arc 3 more seamlessly, is to have a plot point that alludes to her still being alive. Otherwise, I don’t think the Wizard/anyone else would bother trying to revive or find her JUST for the sake of “maybe she would be helpful”.

Remember when, after we defeated Morganthe, Old Cob informed us that we had “absorbed too much of her power, and that it would consume us” and so we have to give it back to the land? 

Well, what if when we did, that “power” held her memories, her very own Shadows? And when we returned it to the land, those Memories might’ve returned to their place in time?

Take Morganthe’s memory in Wizard City for example- the one rooted in when she accidentally lost control of her powers when attempting astral spells. This specific part of her shadow, not being able to return to a physical vessel, found its way back to its place of origin. Maybe Diego, upon training students in combat, runs into issues with a “specter” of some sort haunting the battle grounds, and reports these disturbances to Ambrose. As the game normally does, Merle would reach out to us about this problem.

I think a good time frame for this to happen is after Mirage/before Empyrea- arguably, this is the Wizard at their lowest point. Mellori has just been captured, we just found out she’s Raven’s Child, and BOTH gods are now not in our favor. That way, when we investigate the Arena in WC, and find out this ‘specter’ resembles a young Morganthe, the wizard would truly feel overwhelmed with the idea of her still being alive/out there WHILE all this is happening. 

Whether we tell Merle or the Arcanum scholars first isn’t super important, but the point is that Morganthe potentially being alive is now an additional problem on top of everything else at hand. As the scholars, wizard, and perhaps Ambrose/additional characters problem solve what to do, they begin to bring up the character points I brought up earlier. I think Velma, being the shadow scholar, would mention that Morganthe WAS the shadow queen, and might be useful as a prisoner to help get information on Old Cob’s plans/biddings. I think Ione would agree, and that Morganthe could also be potentially working under him in some way, and that making sure she is a controlled variable is most important right now. The last thing the Spiral, or the wizard, needs is a wild card threat.

I think… knowing that the Wizard had just lost Mellori, and among other things, Velma would request to assist the Wizard in this task, since it is Shadow-magic related and she’s only been able to learn about this school of magic through what little has been available outside of Khrysalis. The wizard, though I think reluctant about the idea, doesn’t argue against her coming along. 

If you follow my idea that Velma had gone to Ravenwood with Morganthe, and they’d been good friends there, I think Velma coming along to investigate this matter is also important- perhaps when they both return to the Duel Arena and try to confront this memory of Morganthe’s, the wizard’s first instinct is to fight it into submission, but Velma might take a more gentle approach, as she remembers the likeliness of an old friend. 

The memory becomes more in control of itself; Seeing Velma, it was reminded of a pleasant part of itself- friendship, comradery amongst fellow wizards, instead of just abandonment and loss as it had been previously engrossed in. 

Once calmed, the Memory can “think” more clearly, and does its best to answer the inevitable questions; what are you? How did you get to wizard city? Is the “real” Morganthe still alive? And so on... Obviously the memory has a limited understanding of what they’re asking. Eventually, they piece together that there are OTHER memories out there, and they need to be found and returned back to their physical owner- Morganthe. 

I won’t go into the big details here, but they then travel to Avalon and Khrysalis, maybe even places she had been as a pirate, to find the other two missing Memories. Velma probably learns a bit more than she was expecting to, and the Wizard’s consciousness, especially when they get to the memory related to Khrysalis, starts to weigh heavy. 

Any who, these three memories are collected, and being extensions of Morganthe herself, are able to help navigate the wizard, Velma, and perhaps other Arcanum members (for safety reasons because that's the literal queen of shadow right there lads) to where her physical body resides. 

Using one of the ships in the Arcanum, they are led by the memories into the dark sea of space, not too far off from Khrysalis. Soon, they come across a swirl of rubble and shattered remnants. Weaving their way through, a cluster of fragmented glass paves the way to an abandoned vessel, sleeping gently, frozen in time and protected by her own demise. They’ve found Morganthe’s body. 

Simply put, the memories return to her, and the wizard/Velma contains her comatose body to be brought back to the Arcanum.

Once they’ve returned with Morganthe, a lot of things could happen, and since this is all just theory of something that’s already passed, I’m just gonna list off some of those things that I think would have been interesting to see, so, here goes lol (warning, this turned out to be a lot longer than anticipated I'm SORRY lol)

Morganthe would have maintained in a comatose state for at least a bit once at the Arcanum. The main issue now is figuring out what to exactly do with her now that she is alive. 

I’ve kind of enjoyed the idea that Ione/other scholars would be pushing for some sort of trial- she did technically commit genocide against the Aztecasouars, and no one but the wizard, except for MAYBE Velma since she was also retrieving her memories, knows that she was being controlled when she had done so. 

I also think the idea of a trial, something rooted in judgement, would provide an interesting setting for just allllll the damn shit to be let loose. Like Morganthe would wake, finally free of the shadow that the arachna had pumped into her body, free of Cob’s very voice in her head, only to wake to find she'd murdered an entire civilization, among defiling the dead, and is being held accountable for doing so. Everyone’s obviously against her, for good reason as they think, but the Wizard’s just here like “I know this bitch was literally forced to do these things but I never told anyone about any of that because I wanted to just believe I was right, and I still have this grudge against her for making me feel like a failure, so I kind of just want to see her imprisoned or worse” and of course you have Velma, who just got her long lost friend/childhood love back, is now faced with the possibility of losing her again, and FINALLY you’ve got MERLE who’s probably just silently taking all this in as it unfolds, since he has had a very fixed perspective on the whole ordeal and doesn’t even know what to believe. 

I don’t wanna spend too much time on the ins/outs of this idea, but generally, even if this wouldn’t have happened, the group learns (perhaps through Velma’s advocation, since I doubt the wizard would be doing it) more about Morganthe’s situation, maybe even that the wizard knew this whole time and never said anything- but the general consensus becomes that, since Morganthe isn’t working for Cob (she might even speak of how much she probably despises him for what he did to her), and because she’s so knowledgeable on Shadow Magic, it might actually be best for the Wizard and her to work together to try and rescue Mellori. 

Obviously, both of them are reluctant about this, though I think the wizard is more so. Morganthe might actually have a soft spot for the Wizard, seeing a lot of herself in them, and also having tread on similar paths. I think it would be so, so fun to see Morganthe try to connect with the wizard, but the wizard constantly shuts her down or ignores her because they don't want to admit they’re so similar. But then you have the moments where they have to help each other. Maybe it’s when both have to go into the Nexus to get Mellori back, and Morganthe has an easier time weaving through this Shadow Plane because of her experiences with it, and the Wizard really has to trust her to help lead them through it. In turn, maybe Morganthe actually struggles when they reach Ravenwood in the Nexus because it triggers those memories of being expelled and cast out, and the wizard has to help ground her so she doesn’t slip into this un-reality. Like! That feels so powerful and moving to me- that despite being used and pitted against one another by Spider, they learn to work past those false feelings and really begin to see each other eye to eye. 

Though I think it is important to bring up they are dealing with slightly different parts of their Shadows- Morganthe is a step or so ahead, having already connected with them. Now, her goal is to accept them, and while I think she has more or less accepted her three memories from earlier, the fourth one, the one of her as shadow queen, the one where she isn’t just her, but also Spider controlling her… the part she doesn’t want, but remains true. To accept her rage, her anger towards Merle that mirrored Cob’s anger about Raven- this is her true challenge for this Arc. 

Remember how I said Morganthe’s motivation in Arc 2 was to prove Merle wrong and show him that she was powerful? Well, now it’s to extract revenge on Old Cob in a similar way. Logically, she knows killing him would mean the end of the Spiral, so the struggle for her is to FIGHT against that desire, the rage, accept it, acknowledge it, and convert that energy into something that can help her and others heal from the scars of the past.

Alongside Morganthe interacting and coming to terms with herself, her shadows, everything, I think the Wizard must learn to let Shadow into their own life. Shadow is not this evil thing that they think it is- it, as Spiders is as well, a necessary part of all life in the Spiral. Instead of casting it away, we have to know that the parts of ourselves we don't like aren’t what define us, but we should see and acknowledge them so they don't consume us; which i think  the wizard is at risk of. 

Any who… that’s a lot, but ultimately, I think when we come to the end of Arc 3, to the Husk, The Wizard & Morganthe have to make the decision to completely trust in themselves and each other. As Spider said worlds ago, we are both the Children of Light & Shadow. I know Arc 3 presents the wizards at the Scion, a balancing force between Mellori and Bat, but I’m gonna be honest, I think it would be much more compelling for BOTH the wizard & Morganthe to act as this “middle ground”- Literally thus far everything about them screams yin and yang; the wizard primarily hailed as the harbinger of light, Morganthe as the umbra queen- yet they are not completely The Light or The Dark- they both have a piece in each other, they both work together, they balance each other out. 

Perhaps a stronger set up to still include Bat and Mellori is them simply realizing that they are not their parents- they do not have to do what is expected of them just because of who or what they are, they can choose to support each other as siblings, instead of taking one of their parents sides and hurting each other. They, like the wizard and Morganthe, can work together as one. 

This way too, the weight of having to be the Sole Person balancing everything all the time, ISN'T put on the wizard- it can be shared by another.

ANYWHO… I know I'm rambling a bit at this point, but similarly to Arc 3’s end, they’d work past their own desire for revenge or pride, and combine their strengths to become what we originally see the wizard transform into during the fight with the Storm Titan; a Child of Light and Shadow.

Also, here’s a few side things I’d like to see happen in this Arc, as well as the final conclusion for Morganthe’s character. 

Morganthe being protective of the Wizard, and the Wizard being protective of Mellori I stated earlier that Morganthe see’s a lot of herself in the wizard, and can feel responsible for them in some way. The same goes for the Wizard and Mellori- there’s this interesting domino effect they've got going on in terms of that, so i just think some dialogue reflecting this dynamic between the three would be fun. 

Though once Mellori and the Bat are united, Morganthe would definitely  have Some Feelings come up regarding her and her own brother. I think it would be fun for Morganthe to be extremely wary of Bat for this reason, and also because he’s the son of the God who used her power and body for his own gain. Maybe Morganthe has a sly line towards Bat, or something about her being like “I’m watching you” because she doesn’t want to see another person go through what she did with Malory. 

Also…. Morganthe helplessly being unable to call Mellori “Mellori”, and instead says “Mallory” every time because That’s Baggage! Morganthe’s like, “Wizard, we gotta get Mallory from the Nexus!” or something and everyone’s like “... you mean Mellori?” and she’s like “... that’s what i said, right?” like this shit is so, so funny to me. 

Also Morganthe eventually warms up to Bat, seeing him be a Good Older Brother in part 2. Ideally, it would also be nice to see her open up to him about Mallory, and they just have a Moment about shitty families, trust issues, having done bad things because What Else Can You Do?… god, that stuff hurts my soul. Let your Siblings Heal Kingsisle, i will not rest until they do lmao. 

Oh yea! How could i forget the biggest thing outside of the wizard/Morganthe- Merle and Morganthe! Wow do those two need some damn closure together. I’m not stuck in a definitive way that this could happen- Generally though, I think Morganthe would be avoidant of Merle at first, as she feels that she ultimately failed to do what he cast her out to do when he banished her, which was to “find her true self” and learn to control astral magic. Not only was she unable to do that, but she was unfortunately roped into the arachna, and we know the jist of what happens from there. On the other hand, Morganthe is also angry towards Merle- if he wouldn’t have banished her, and instead been patient with her powers and helped her learn, NONE of what she had to endure in Khrysalis would have happened. 

For Merle, his perception for so long was that Morganthe's endless curiosity drove her into Shadow Magic, and thus became the Shadow Queen- with this thought, his act of banishing her was justified because she was just a lost cause either way. Now, however, he’s realizing that that wasn’t the case at all- instead, she was truly trying to learn how to master astral magic and control her powers, and unfortunately others decided to take advantage of her curiosity and ability- so he’s trying to grapple with the guilt of inevitably putting her through that. 

They both are understandably scared to confront each other, and I think their avoidance would carry out through to Empyrea part 1, maybe even a bit into part 2. Again, i don’t have a definitive thing in mind (since Merle isn’t super active in arc 3 anyhow), but perhaps they’ve been put into a situation where they just simply cannot avoid one another- or maybe Morganthe’s having a hard time convincing the wizard or Ione or someone on what they should do next, Merle tries to interject, “Morganthe, perhaps-”, but Morganthe snaps at him, “ and I certainly don’t want to hear what the man that caused all of this has to say about it!” … silence fills the room, Merle taken aback, Morganthe looking him dead in the eyes, meaning what she said but regretting it as the first thing she said to him. She huffs, storms out of the room...

With just a nod to the others and the wizard, Merle leaves and follows her out, maybe she’s pacing around the end of the halls, and when she sees Merle she just starts pouring her heart out in anger. “Don’t you follow me out like that, don’t you pretend to care for me now! You couldn’t possibly understand what’s at stake here, not that you would take the time to understand anything you don’t know!” she huffs, angry with him and herself, “I know I was curious and naïve and stubborn, but where were you!? Why couldn’t you help me, why, why was the only option for you to to take the only thing I had left and send me away?” this is where her anger starts to fade and she’s becomes quieter, yet still stern, “The worst of it is that I told myself I'd do what you never could, and when I did, I’d return to prove you and everyone else who looked at me and saw a failure, a monster, wrong... but I never got that far. I only got to the point where some forgotten God of chaos decided what my ‘true self’ was for me… and like the curious, stupid little girl I was, i played right into his hand-” and here she’d become overwhelmed and start talking more specifically about her anger towards what was done in Khrysalis, ending with “and through all of it, and even now, even though I’m so, so angry at you, I still wanted you to be there for me. Why weren’t you there for me?” 

I like the imagery that, the whole time Morganthe has been unraveling her thoughts and emotions at him, Merle has been slowly moving closer and closer to her, and when she says this, she melts into his arms, sobbing- finally getting that comfort from him that she’s wanted all this time.

Merle, now holding her, begins to speak softly, “You don’t have to forgive me, but I am truly sorry for all that has transpired from my own failings. In all my years, turning you away has remained one of my deepest regrets.” This is getting a bit long, but the main points I think Merle would make in his apology towards Morganthe, is that ‘her true self’ is not something anyone, not even he, should define for herself, and that Merle thinks she has already found her true self, and that it’s not being Shadow Queen, it’s not being a puppet, it’s not being a failure or his apprentice or a monster, but being in tune with yourself- something she had started doing with her own Shadows/Memories.

Anywho. Sorry for the heavy dialogue but i think about these two everyday and just want them to HUG IT OUT MAN… AAAAA

Furthermore; I think a very fitting End for Morganthe’s character is that she, upon Merle’s request, would become a professor of Shadow Magic at Ravenwood, with the idea that she could properly introduce Shadow to wizards in a controlled environment, and help erase the stigma surrounding it. Not only do i think she’d make a great professor or teacher because of her enthusiasm towards magic, but i think it would be satisfying for her to help others who might have difficulties with magic/their powers since that was a core reason for her own suffering. Also, her and Velma are DATING and are cute shadow scholar lesbians together, it’s cute af, thank you, moving on. 

Lastly, the Wizard would have some closure, or at least tools to eventually reach closure about the things I've talked about  in this post. Hypothetically, arc 4 could have then been focused on the wizard’s self-journey to become in-tune with their shadows and memories. 

SO uh… yea i think that’s the overall ideas i had about how Arc 3 might have gone if Morganthe was a factor. I haven’t actually spent a lot of time thinking about Morganthe in arc 3 though, since the arc is now finished and we’re onto arc 4, and i always enjoy trying to implement new lore, like the sewers, into these theories, and even who or what Morganthe is- bt this was fun to revisit! I do think her being in Arc 3 would have been most fitting thus far though, so i always like coming back to the what-could-have-been ideas :’D

But yea! If you’ve made it this far… Thanks for reading lol. And if you want me to go more in depth with anything i had mentioned in this post, because some things i decided to gloss over for simplicity's sake, feel free to ask :D

Anywho…. Bye oTL

[ljandersen]

And other question: “Tell us a little bit about yourself”. It's always interesting to know more about your favorite author) Thanks a lot🖤

First of all, thank you!  Being one of someone’s favorite authors is a huge compliment and very humbling.  I appreciate your interest in both me and my stories!

To start (*avoids eye contact* *lowers voice*), I’m American.  I know we all look like lunatics right now, but I swear, I’m normal.  I live in the Pacific Northwest.  I’ve spent most of my life paying tuition and sitting in lecture halls.  After nine years of school, I finally graduated with my terminal degree.  Now I’m an oncology pharmacist who works for a healthcare system with inpatient services and several ambulatory clinics.  I work with brilliant people.  I love my coworkers.  I’ve finally been able to travel the world and see the amazing sites I only dreamed about growing up and in school.  I have a cat, dog, and husband.

When it comes to writing, I’ve written stories for as long as I can remember.  When I learned how to spell “Hi,” I wrote a story with crayon animals saying “hi” to each other on each page.  I kept a wad of notebook-page stories in my nightstand from first grade through high school.  I never planned to be a professional writer, since that wasn’t a “responsible” career route.  Instead I went into science and medicine.  Throughout my years at the university, my writing became less and less, and by the time I entered graduate school, I had put it away completely.  

It probably would have stayed that way if I hadn’t become disillusioned with my career.  I was always the A+ student.  It was part of my identity.  When I graduated, I assumed my career would be this grand thing.  I’d be valued for what I brought to the organization.  I’d go above and beyond, and it would matter in some small way.  As it turned out, medicine is very corporate.  

I became a cog in the wheel.  I got tired of management telling my team, “Go ahead and quit.  It’s easier for us to replace you, than it is for you to find a new job.”  The whole “Get off the bus if you don’t like it” mantra was something I heard at least every other week, not necessarily said directly to me as an individual, but to my coworkers as a group.  I saw how other exceptional employees were treated.  I saw how my efforts never went anywhere.  I had no individual worth to management or administration.  If I was so replaceable then even the higher calling of patient care didn’t really matter.  If whether it was me or some random person off the street sitting in that seat, it didn’t make a difference to administration, then my individual contribution to patient care was obviously generic and relatively insignificant.

I was inhibited improving programs or providing education, advancing anything, problem solving for efficiency, and all my extra work either got me in trouble in some weird round-about way or simply was wasted effort.  For instance, I was really excited about developing a dose-rounding policy for the outpatient clinic.  I had read recent guidelines issued by NCCN/HOPA.  I talked to my boss.  She patted me on the head and said sure.  I drafted a policy, complied sources, worked hard on documents and presentation material for the physicians.  Then it emailed it to my boss.  Month after month, I’d ask her, “Have you brought that to the doctors?”  Month after month, she’d forget.  Finally, I stopped asking.  A year and half later, one of the doctors brought up dosing rounding in a meeting.  My boss didn’t even remember I’d worked on it.  She told the MD it was such a good idea and assigned one of my coworkers to work on it and create a policy to present.  Going above and beyond only lead to frustration and hurt.

To me, what mattered was getting the job done well and having a harmonious, good working relationship with co-workers.  That’s not what mattered to my boss.  I got tired of being told I was a good clinician, but I didn’t smile enough.  I got in trouble if I didn’t come to her office to “hi” to her in the morning.  She was put out I hadn’t told her my grandma died but told a coworker.  How I did my job clinically didn’t matter.  

I discovered administration just wanted someone to clock in, clock out, do the factory conveyer-type work of daily duties and do nothing else.  I not only couldn’t share an opinion, I had to not have one at all.  I could leave, but staying near my family was important. I stayed, but I realized: my career had to be a job.  It couldn’t be a part of my identity.  I would never feel accomplished or have a sense of individual worth or achievement from my paycheck job.

That’s when I turned back to writing.  I tried a few original novels that went nowhere.  After playing ME, I lacked closure and wrote an ending for myself.  It turned into 300 k words, and my sister encouraged me to try posting it on a website.  From there, I found FFN and eventually AO3.  I’ve written ME fanfiction ever since.  I enjoy it.  It gives me something to do that brings me more joy than my actual job.  I’ve been studying self-publishing and maybe one day I’ll take the leap.  I don’t intend to leave my day job, since I spent 9 years and $100,000 getting my degree, but at least, I have an area of my life where I feel like I matter as an individual.  I achieve something I can be proud of.  

It’s been a few years since I posted my first ME fanfiction, and I have met several amazing people.  I’ve made good friends.  We get excited over each other’s story and share interests.  I’m so thankful for them.  Plus, I’ve read some amazing fanfic and enjoyed being part of a community.  Everything someone writes is worthwhile and appreciated by someone.  We improve and encourage each other.  No one’s better than anyone else.  We’re skilled in different areas and have our own spin when it comes to writing.  Some people are primarily readers and make a fanfic writer’s day by enjoying their story.  It’s all worthwhile.  It’s fun to be in a group where you’re worth comes from being yourself, not a voice-box-less automaton who smiles and says “hi” and “good bye” every morning and every evening.  

As for the future, I’ve been able to join professional writers’ facebook groups and read books about self-publishing and marketing.  I’ll keep with my day job, but now I feel less frustrated and listless.  I’m just there for the paycheck and for the enjoyment of my immediate coworkers, who again, I’ll say, are brilliant human beings.  I’m lucky to work with them.  With writing, though, I can achieve something and advance myself.  I focus on the people in my life for real satisfaction and have a hobby where I can progress myself and feel proud of what I achieve.

That’s my story.  Not very exciting, but that’s my path to writing fanfic in a nutshell.  I think it’s important that everyone has an area in their life where they find joy in accomplishing something for themself.

Thank you for the ask!  I’m sure that was more than you were expecting to get an answer.  All my short stories turn into long fics, even this one.  Lol!  Again, I appreciate your interest very much!

[lonestarbabe]

Holding Out for a Hero

Chapter 11: Just a Little Bit of Your Heart

[AO3]

Summary: T.K. and Carlos have a much needed talk.

I don't ever tell you how I really feel

'Cause I can't find the words to say I what I mean

And nothing's ever easy

That's what they say

I know I'm not your only

But I'll still be a fool

'Cause I'm a fool for you

T.K.

“Do you have a minute to talk?” Carlos asked, and nerves twisted in T.K.’s stomach. Talking wasn’t one of his favorite things. When someone wanted to speak with T.K., it usually related to something he had done wrong. It reminded him of what an asshole he was. He was already feeling pathetic and needy, so the last thing he needed was for Carlos to tell him off for acting on supposedly inappropriate feelings. They’d already been through all that, and rehashing it would only remind T.K. of his humiliation, but he couldn’t deny Carlos this talk. Maybe it would give them both the closure they needed.

“Yeah,” T.K. said, voice hoarse, “but it’ll have to be quick. I have to get up in the morning.”  He held back a sniffle that rose in his throat.“We can talk.” Carlos sat on the edge of T.K.’s bed, wringing his hands, and the barely repressed sniffle escaped.

Carlos reached out, shifting a little closer to brush a thumb against T.K.’s cheek, where silent tears had left streaks. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” T.K. said as lightly as he could muster, but he wanted to hide under his duvet and never come out. He probably thinks I’m an unstable lunatic. “It’s been a long day. I’m sure you know how crazy being tired can make you feel. Tour makes people crazy,” T.K. tried to joke.

Carlos didn’t even chuckle. “T.K., I don’t think I handled things the right way.” He’s just trying to make me feel better.

“I get it. You don’t feel the same way about me that I feel about you. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal. I wasn’t to deal with it, and I needed to think it over, but I don’t want to let this go. We need to have a real discussion.” So he can break my heart all over again, and I can go back to trying not to sob when he’s just across the room in another bed when I want him in mine.

“I’m not going to fire you if that’s what you’re worried about. Judd wouldn’t let me, even if I wanted to.” T.K. sat up. “Not that I want to,” he was quick to add.

Carlos shook his head. “I’m not worried about that.”

“What are you worried about?” T.K. looked at his hands. They were shaking. “I’m not going to break. I’m disappointed, but I’m fine.”

“I don’t think we can be friends.”

T.K. felt his hopes sink. “We can. I know I’ve made things weird, but friendship wouldn’t be that bad, would it?”It wouldn’t be easy to be friends with Carlos; his feelings were too strong, but he needed Carlos’ love in whatever form he could get it. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“No, no. That’s not what I mean.”

“What are you trying to say, Carlos?” T.K. began to think the worst. “Are you quitting? Is that what this is about? Because you don’t need to do that, really. I can control myself. You set the rules, and I’ll follow them. I swear I won’t do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. I’ll stop lov—I’ll stop.” I like having you around. You don’t have to talk to me. You don’t have to care about me. Just stay. “I’ll do whatever, just don’t leave me,” and that sounded too pathetic, so he tacked on, “A good bodyguard is hard to find.” I can’t replace you.

“Woah, T.K., slow down. I don’t want to leave you.” Carlos took T.K.’s hands and stilled them.  “I think it’s stupid not to give us a try is what I’m saying.” T.K. luxuriated in the feeling of Carlos’ thumb rubbing circles over his knuckles. “I know that I’ve been all over the place with this, but when I talked to Marjan—”

“You talked to Marjan?”

Carlos nodded. “It was an insightful chat. It helped me make some decisions.” T.K.’s heart rate went from a drizzle to a hail storm.

“Marjan has a way of cutting through the bullshit. That’s why we get along.” I owe Marjan a nice present. Maybe she’d like a Porshe. “What did she help you decide?” T.K. held his breath, waiting for the answer.

“I realized that I’ve got a lot of baggage, and this isn’t going to be simple, but relationships worth having are never simple. Love is messy, and that’s what makes it so exciting. I don’t want to miss out on love just because it’s hard.”

“You’re saying you love me, Reyes?” T.K. teased, his hope making the anvil on his chest feel like it was made from Styrofoam. I turn into a complete sap when I’m around him.

“You know I do,” Carlos said. “But I’m also saying that I want to be with you if you’ll still have me.”

“I’ll still have you,” T.K. without even taking a moment to think. “But first, say it. Tell me how you feel about me. If you really feel that way, I want to hear the words.” Because I’m desperate and needy, and I’d do anything to make him care. I’d give him anything he asked for as long as he gave me his love. Love was hard to find when T.K. knew more about the fantasy version than the real one.

“I love you, T.K.,” Carlos said, and the words made him lightheaded with disbelief and relief.

“Really?” he asked, wanting to make sure that he hadn’t just imagined it. He prayed that this wasn’t some kind of cruel trick.

“Really,” Carlos said, pressing a kiss to T.K.’s cheek that made T.K. think of rose petals and merino wool. “What’s not to love?” Does love make a liar out of honest men, or does it cosmically change lies into truth?

“I love you too,” T.K. replied so softly that he wasn’t sure Carlos had heard. The words were sticky rice, clumping together, and he had to poke the grains apart with his tongue. “I love you,” he said louder.

Carlos laughed. “We’re not even dating, and we’ve already taken a giant step.”

“We were basically dating before, but we were idiots.”

“So we’re dating now? Is that what this is going to be?” Would it be too much to ask? Would it be foolish? Is dating Carlos asking for a broken heart? Am I doing it again? Am I falling too fast and giving my heart too freely?

“I mean, I thought that was where this conversation was going, but if you just want, like something else—”

“No, no. Dating is what I want if it’s what you want.” Haven’t I made that embarrassingly clear?

“Are you sure?” Once they were dating, T.K. didn’t want it to be an on-again, off-again thing. He had to be sure that Carlos was willing to commit.

“I’m sure. I’m ready to do this.”

T.K. felt a grin spring to his face. “You’re, like, really, really positive? You’re not going to wake up tomorrow and regret this? This isn’t something you’re doing just to make me feel less pathetic?”

“Do these lips lie?” Carlos asked, no hint of doubt in his voice. Carlos looked confident, unshakable, which was how T.K. knew he was telling the truth.

“I don’t know. I’ll have to ask them to find out,” T.K. said, pressing his lips against Carlos’.

“Are they lying?” Carlos asked when T.K. pulled away.

T.K. licked his lips. “I think I’ll have to interrogate them a little more.”

“They’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

T.K. leaned close, lips brushing Carlos’ ear. “Will they tell me all about the dirty deeds they’re about to commit?”

Carlos pushed T.K. back, so they were lying on the bed. He pressed his lips against T.K’s chest. “Some things are better as a surprise.”

Carlos’ hands pressed into T.K.’s shoulders, easing them into a relaxed position, and they wandered down his chest and slowed. “Don’t stop,” T.K. begged.

“I thought you had to get up in the morning,” Carlos said with a smile.

T.K. rolled them over, so he was on top of Carlos. “You’re staying right here.” He pushed his palms on Carlos’ chest. “That was when I thought you were trying to explain why we couldn’t be together. I’ve got all the time in the world for my boyfriend. Morning can come whether I’m up or not.”

“Boyfriend—I like the sound of that.”

T.K. leaned closer to Carlos so that his lips hovered over Carlos’. “Boyfriend, kiss me, and don’t stop.”

“I won’t,” Carlos said and closed the distance between them. He pulled T.K. tighter. “I’ve been waiting to hold you like this.” Carlos rolled them over again. “Relax, and let me make you feel good.” T.K. closed his eyes as Carlos ghosted a hand over T.K.’s cheek and down his neck. T.K. could feel the tips of Carlos’ fingers press his skin, and he imagined Carlos’ fingerprints lingering on there, impressing mercy over his scars and blemishes.

T.K.’s breath quickened as Carlos’ roamed his body. “Don’t stop,” T.K. repeated quietly, but as Carlos latched their fingers together, pulling their hands over T.K.’s head, what he meant was, “Please don’t leave.”

Carlos

The morning came too soon, but the fact that T.K. was beside Carlos made it the best morning he’d had in a while. “Good morning,” T.K. said, closing the distance between them to wrap his arms around Carlos. Their bare torsos were separated only by the thin flat sheet. Kodachrome memories of the night before flashed in Carlos’ memory.

“You’re up early.”

T.K. grazed his fingers over Carlos’ lips, and Carlos laughed. “What was that for?”

“I wanted to make sure that you were still here.”

“You could have kissed me.”

“I want every inch of my skin to know your lips.”

“We got to a pretty good start last night.”

“Your lips were very talkative.”

“So were yours.”

“Non-verbal communication, baby.”

“Maybe we should pick up where we left off. There’s a lot of ground to cover.”

Carlos raised his eyebrows. He’d planned on sleeping in, but how could he resist his hot boyfriend. “Okay, but I’m not kissing your feet,” Carlos said, and he knew that he had the dopiest smile on his face when T.K. laughed in response. He means more to me than he’ll ever realize, and I’ll do anything to keep him safe. I’ll protect everything from the tips of his toes to joy in his laugh.

They had a breakfast meeting with Judd later that morning, and as soon as they ripped themselves from their bed and sat down for the meal, Judd grinned as he looked between them. “I told Grace this was going to happen.”

“Nothing happened,” T.K. insisted. “Judd, you don’t know anything.”

“T.K., I can see it on your face.”

“You can’t tell that two people are dating based on their faces,” T.K. insisted. “

“Huh! Glad to hear that you got your act together. But I wasn’t talking about that,” Judd said with a serious face.

T.K. froze, realizing his mistake, and Carlos couldn’t help but think how cute he looked. “You weren’t?”

Judd burst into a fit of laughter, and Carlos laughed along. “Of course, I was! I thought I was gonna go crazy watching you two fools look at each other with heart eyes.” He wouldn’t stop laughing. “I really had you there. Made you think you were blabbing something you shouldn’ta been.”

T.K. rolled his eyes. “That’s not even funny.”

“It’s not like it’s a secret. Everyone knows you like Carlos.”

“We weren’t trying to hide it, were we?” Carlos asked.

“I don’t think so, but I didn’t want to tell anyone if you weren’t okay with it.”

Judd shook his head in disbelief. “Come on, you two were the last ones to know.”

“No one else knows,” T.K. said. “It only just happened.”

“Yeah, sure, kid,” Judd said.

“How would they possibly know?” Because we’re always together. I’m with him even when I’m not on duty. We talk like we’ve known each other for years. Do I need to go on?

“In the months he’s been your bodyguard, you haven’t asked me to fire him once.”

“Are you sure? I feel like I had to have at some point.” Judd had warned Carlos that T.K. would probably want to fire him, but Judd promised that T.K. wouldn’t have firing power.

Carlos listened as T.K. and Judd bickered, and all he felt was fondness for both of them. One more than the other, of course. “Nope, didn’t happen.”

“When I first met him, I definitely did.”

“You definitely thought he was hot enough to keep around.”

“I thought Mr. Clean 3 was hot too.”

“That was Mr. Clean 2, T.K.”

“Oh, yeah, 3 was the grouchy one.” T.K. put a finger to his chin. “Come to think of it, he was hot in his own way.”

“Hey,” Carlos said, “how many bodyguards have you had crushes on?”

“Don’t worry. I thought they were hot in an “I have daddy issues” way. Baby, you’re the only one I’ve actually crushed on.”

“Lighthearted talk about daddy issues; you must be in a good mood,” Judd commented.

“The best mood! I can now do this,” T.K. said, kissing Carlos’ cheek. If he ever wants anything, he has to ask, and I will give it to him.

“Look at that. Carlos puts up with this insanity. I think he’s perfect for you.”

“Don’t jinx it, Judd.”

Carlos chimed in, “I don’t think anyone could jinx this,” looking at T.K. like he was the most valuable thing on Earth because he was—he really was—even if he didn’t realize it. Carlos would make sure T.K. knew how much he mattered.

[and-they-were-crewmates]

Room For Three | Deleted Scenes

Hi friends! Have you read my fic Room For Three? If not, and you’re looking for Holden/Amos/Naomi fic, go check that out first, because it’s better than this.

The following are a few deleted scenes from Chapter 20. These scenes did not actually occur in the universe of the fic. They were deleted in part because they weren’t relevant to anything, so they added too much superfluous bulk to an already superfluous and bulky fic, and in part because I wasn’t very confident with my characterization of Camina’s family or the way I communicated their dialect. I do love the idea of giving Drummer some closure with Naomi, though I don’t think that Room For Three is the place to explore that concept. That being said, this was a fun little scene, so I’d like to share!

Very mildly NSFW text below. This is from a rated E fic, but is not explicitly sexual. CW recreational drug use (marijuana)

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” said Naomi into her hand terminal. The small window in the corner reflected her own image, alone in the room while Jim either finished up his therapy or got started on his way to lunch with Fred, and Amos journeyed to pick up food for the two of them. The larger window, the focus of her attention, showed Drummer’s full face and half of another woman’s, whose shoulder acted as a pillow for Camina’s tilted head. Her friend looked more at peace than Naomi had ever seen her. 

“Nah, we insist. Whole crew will be happy to meet The Naomi Nagata. Plus, your Earther boys obviously need a lesson in family. Double date.” 

“Is it still called a double date if there’s nine people at the table?” 

“Nonuple date, then. Come. Josep good cook, Bertold good advice, Oksana good to look at,” she said. The body next to her stuck out an elbow in playful defense, and a loving giggle filled the speaker. “Good in bed, too,” Camina added to appease her, and they both laughed together. 

“Alright, alright. I guess I’d rather get polyam lessons from you lot than from Jim’s eight parents.” 

“Soyá. One Holden is more than enough for me.” Naomi didn’t say it, but she agreed. The Holden family was a lot to handle. She knew there might be a discussion with them in her future, in which she and Amos would undoubtedly have to stand under their mild-mannered scrutiny and well-meant condescension, but she hoped to put it off as long as possible. 

“Be nice to him tonight,” Naomi implored,  Camina rolled her eyes. 

“To ta ge im, bosmang. I will try. No promises ‘bout Serge though. Discriminate, im does.”

“Ah, pashang fong, ‘Mina,” a man’s voice bellowed, the pejorative softened by his loving tone. His head appeared on Naomi’s device, upside down at the top of the frame. “Mi behave, promise.” They all three laughed together, a contagious sound that put a smile on Naomi’s face. 

Camina’s family was as affectionate as it was functional, and any jealousy was squandered as soon as it sprouted through open networks of communication. They didn’t all sleep in the same bed, or all have sex at the same time, or spend every waking hour together, the six of them, but they loved each other equally just the same. They didn’t all keep score of their ‘wins’ and ‘losses’— surely Michio didn’t feel left out if Oksana got milkshakes with Josep one day, and Drummer didn’t pout if Serge chose to shower with Bertold instead of her. They found a balance together, where everyone was included, even in the moments when they weren’t. They’d be good role models. 

“Alright, we’ll be there,” Naomi said, excitement written on her face. When the phone call was over, she turned her attention to the door. Amos was taking longer than anticipated. She supposed she’d have to find some way to occupy herself until he returned. 

***

Josep’s cooking was so spicy that it felt like a targeted attack. Holden was the only one who seemed to notice— which only furthered his suspicions that it was a deliberate poisoning— though he knew he was just wimpier than anyone else in the room. Otherwise, Holden, Naomi, and Amos were welcomed warmly into Drummer’s home like members of the family. 

They each had their own unique flavor of advice, ranging from categorically unhelpful to actually something to think about, spoken in different degrees of broken English or part-English part-Belter. Holden appreciated the great effort they went to to be understood by him. They probably had very little use for pure English in their day-to-day lives, and the grammar of Lang Belta was very different, more efficient. It made some of their translations a little hard for Holden to process, but if they could make the effort, so could he. 

“Da pashang gut?” Serge asked. In the time it took Holden to decide if he was comfortable answering whether they had good sex, Amos and Naomi had already given their yesses. “Gut. The rest figure itself out.” 

“That’s terrible advice,” interjected Michio. 

“Work for me an’ Josep this morning,” he shrugged. “Take too long in shower. Mi angry. Join him in shower, mi na so angry.” Michio rolled her eyes. 

“It’s not about sex,” she said. “You can have good sex and no love for each other.”

“Like in Camina dream about Holden,” Serge contributed. Holden didn’t know what to do with that information. Naomi seemed to like it. 

“I’ve had that dream,” Amos added. Holden elbowed him. 

“Sure, like that,” dismissed Michio. “It’s not about sex; it’s about trust. You trust your family will never hurt you on purpose?” she asked. The three of them nodded. “You forgive your family when they make a mistake?” she asked. They nodded. “Then you can forgive your family for anything.” That was pretty solid advice, but nothing Holden didn’t already know. They were good at forgiving each other. Had practice. 

“How do you keep everything…” Holden searched for the word, “...equal?”

“Equal? Who cares equal?” replied Bertold. “Not equal. Camina in charge. Like Naomi for you.”

“Naomi’s not—” Holden said, then backed down. It was true enough. 

“Ya. No need for equal.” 

“Is there ever jealousy? Like, if you spend more time with one person than another.” A couple of them, including Amos, looked at him like that was the stupidest question ever asked.

“That’s baby shit, kopeng,” Bertold said. “Need comfort, ask Oksana. Need tough love, ask Camina. Need fix problem, ask Michio. Need laugh, ask Josep. Need blow job, ask Serge.” 

“Hey,” Serge defended. “I’m funny, too.” 

“Ya, baby,” Bertold consoled. “I just simplify for explain. Different for others, or depend on the day. Point is, na equal. Need comfort four time, tough love one, then go Oksana four time, Camina one. ‘Mina no cry ‘bout it. Because adult. Knows mi love im the same.” Drummer smiled at him. Holden had never seen Drummer smile as bright or as often as he had that night. “End of day, eat dinner as family, go bed happy.” 

“Huh,” said Holden. “That… makes a lot of sense, thank you.”

“Try not to think so hard, Jimmy,” said Drummer. “Have some cake. Not so spicy.”

“Gee, thanks.”

***

The third or fourth time it was passed to her, Naomi took another long, luxurious puff off of Drummer’s vaporizer. She tried to pass it behind her to Jim (whose lap she didn’t think she’d been sitting in when Camina first pulled out the device) but he declined as always. Naomi presumed the captain was afraid of what slutty business he might get up to under the influence of high-grade synthetic cannabis in a room full of incredibly hot people. She couldn’t blame him, but it wouldn’t stop her from having a good time. Amos also clearly had no such reservations. 

“So,” he said between two smaller puffs (Earthers with their puff, puff, pass bullshit), “what’s the sex like?” 

“Amos, you can’t just ask people that,” Jim scolded. In rebuttal, Amos took his second puff and blew it in Jim’s face. Soberly, Naomi might’ve been on Jim’s side of that argument, but she was high and curious. Amos looked at Serge, who seemed the most likely to answer the question rather than flip him off. 

“All six of you screw together, or is it a Noah’s Ark kinda deal?” Amos asked. Serge shrugged. 

“Sometimes all six, sometimes three, sometimes two,” he said. 

“Maybe sometimes nine,” added Josep lewdly, eyeing the three guests. Amos smiled salaciously, while scattered laughter filled the room. Camina cleared her throat and shook her head. 

“What did I say?” she chided. 

“Dinner, not orgy,” Josep said. 

“Don’t see why it can’t be both,” said Amos. Jim elbowed him. 

As her Earther lovers mingled with her Belter friends, new and old, Naomi felt a sense of wholeness. Her worlds were colliding— this time in a harmonious way, not an explosive one. She didn’t know if it was the THC in her lungs or the love in her life, but she was on top of the world. 

Michio was teaching Amos and Jim an old Belter card game when Naomi was overcome with a powerful urge to speak privately with Camina. Several faces quirked suggestively as she pulled her friend from the mass of cuddling bodies on the living room floor. Apparently Amos wasn’t the only one with preconceived notions about their friendship. She ignored them and guided Camina into the next room, which only happened to be the bedroom. 

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy, Camina,” she said once they were in another room. Camina hummed and nodded, the corners of her mouth quirking up into a small smile. The weed seemed to unburden her considerably, though a deeper happiness radiated from her even before they’d smoked. Her hair was down, and it felt to Naomi like a metaphor. 

“Don’t think I ever have been,” she said. Naomi took her hand and squeezed it, beaming with pride. Camina’s expression soured almost imperceptibly; her smile was still present, though it spoke of an old, tired sadness, or perhaps just a more reluctant version of joy. “Spent a long time wanting something I could not have.” She looked Naomi up and down, and the message was heard loud and clear. That bitter-sweet smile. The harbinger of closure. 

“Ended up with something better, no?” 

“Think so,” Camina answered. Her eyes widened as she asked, and there was a youthfulness in her face that Naomi hadn’t seen before, like a child seeking approval. Naomi didn’t think Camina needed her approval, but she gave it readily. 

“I know so. Oksana looks at you like you painted the stars in the sky. You deserve that.” 

“Same way Jimmy looks at you.”  

“Same way Amos looks at my boobs,” Naomi countered. They both laughed. “You deserve to be happy, Camina Drummer. Are you?” 

“Ya, Naomi Nagata. Have everything I ever wanted, and more. Could not have imagined having something this good until it happened.”  

“I know what you mean,” Naomi said wistfully, thinking of Amos and Jim. 

“You happy, too?” Camina asked. 

“Ya,” answered Naomi, easily and honestly. Have everything I ever wanted, and more. “Mi xush.” Naomi pressed her forehead to Camina’s, and they shared their happiness together for a moment. 

“Gut.” 

“So... what’s this dream you had about Jim?” 

“Oh hush.” 

***

“You think they’re fooling around?” Amos asked the group of people whose names he didn’t know. Holden elbowed him for the third time that night. “Bug, at some point, you’re gonna have to realize jabbing me in the ribs ain’t gonna stop me from sayin’ shit.” 

“What will?” Holden asked. Amos didn’t answer, just pointed his eyes down at Holden’s crotch, and figured he got the message when he received yet another nudge to his side. He laughed,  took his turn in the card game, and hit the vape when it came around again. 

“Could I ask you something, big man?” asked the guy with the triangle tattoos beside his eyes. Amos shrugged his permission. The guy took a second to say anything else, like he was trying to word his question. He whispered something to the man at his side. 

“Ah,” the second man said, “wants to know if you have Earther cock.” Amos didn’t know what that meant. “You know, like…” he gave an inscrutable gesture, like jerking off, but not quite. “No skin.” 

“Josep,” came a scolding female voice. Amos didn’t mind. 

“Oh. Yeah, I’m circumcised.” The two men, one of whom must’ve been Josep, not that Amos would retain that information, seemed fascinated by that. He was about to ask if they wanted to see it when Naomi and her girlfriend came back. Another time, then. 

[sewerpigeonart]

literally no one asked but that’s never stopped me before; my inhibitions are low bc i’ve been awake since 4am and idk if any of this is even going to make sense when anyone reads it but i want to talk about my 𝑓 𝑒𝑒 𝑙 𝑖 𝑛 𝑔 𝑠

having to choose between hawke and alistair in the fade is literally like the most stressful video game decision i have had to make—and actually, considering i’ve done alternate playthroughs where i choose each of them, i still technically haven’t “chosen” because it’s. so. hard.

if Loghain or Stroud are the warden, they’re obviously the expendable option because loghain has no rights and stroud simply isn’t a character the player was given the opportunity to emotionally invest in.  unless you make a specific party decision in da2, you never even meet him. but when it’s between alistair and hawke, now the emotional stakes are astronomical, because not only is it hard for me to pick on an emotional level, even when thinking in terms of narrative for each of these characters it’s hard to decide which is the better option.

we’re invested in both these characters; we traveled with alistair through origins and either romanced him or became his best friend through our wardens, our wardens with whom i think most players have also developed an emotional attachment to because they’re our own characters.  and hawke was our character in da2, and you could sort of “mold” him into one of three general personalities, he’s still a pretty strong character on his own, regardless of if he’s snarky or angry or benevolent.  and sort of opposite the case with alistair, we know that hawke’s friends are attached to him.

so now it’s down to the wire and you gotta pick one. there’s no other way out. it sucks. and i think on one hand i can actually appreciate that because it means the games did a good job of making me care about not only both of these characters themselves, but their impact on the characters around him.  when i think of sacrificing hawke, my mind at once goes to varric, the living hawke sibling, and the love interest.  with alistair, my mind goes to my warden, who in terms of the game itself isn’t a strongly defined character because like most custom protagonists a lot of the emotional investment comes from our own imaginations and projections. but in that regard it’s like the relationship to alistair is more personal to the player themselves, in my opinion.  when choosing who to sacrifice, i think about who is going to hurt.  i literally burst into tears when i played the hawke route and varric comes up to you in adamant and says, “where’s hawke?” like i fuckin lost it man lmao, and when you talk to him later and he tells you the story and they play hawke’s theme sadly in the background?????? im like im going to pass away now but ANYWAY

so not only do i think about the emotional consequences on hawke and alistair’s companions (and myself), i struggle to choose which option is better narratively. because i feel that both of them have a very strong reason to stay behind. for hawke it’s obvious: with corypheus, it’s personal—way more personal than it even is with the inquisitor who is meant to defeat him. it’s literally in hawke’s bloodline. not only did his father cage the magister, but hawke is assuming the responsibility of “releasing” corypheus upon the world. of course he would give up everything remain in the fade and deal this huge blow to corypheus. it’s more than playing hero, it’s about vengeance for him, and you could even say it’s about protecting his family, if his sibling is a warden and if you romanced anders, protecting him too.

alternatively with alistair: all through origins alistair is characterized as believing himself expendable. “i wish i had died instead of duncan, i’ll kill the archdemon so you don’t have to,” etc. and yes he is young and insecure in origins, and it’s clear when we see him again in inquisition or even the cameo in da2, we can see him more confident, more assured, capable of making his own decisions. but—and i acknowledge this is largely headcanon, but this whole post is explaining why it’s hard for me to choose—i think especially with the romanced hero of fereldan still alive, in that pivotal moment in the fade i would assume alistair would be thinking of her, sorry to leave her and knowing she’ll be hurt but confident she could be the capable hands the wardens would need to recover, even if she is sort of in the shadows by that time, i project that the HoF would assume a sense of duty in helping them recover, even from the background somehow if she insists on kind of staying in “hiding.”

i think characterwise, alistair is always going to have some degree of innate self-sacrifice, that when it comes down to it, he’ll be the one to take the blow. so it would make sense that in the fade, he’d say “no, hawke, you go,” maybe no longer from a place of lower self-esteem like in origins, but i think in his mind, especially since he’s literally been a fugitive from the wardens, he makes the decision in a fairly rational state of mind. he acknowledges the wardens have messed up, and maybe this sacrifice can even be the start to redeeming their honor because he cares such a great deal about them. even hawke changes his tone in the final moments, saying yeah the wardens fucked up but they’re not beyond saving. so even then i think alistair would take comfort in knowing whether it be hawke or the HoF or the Inquisitor or whoever, the wardens will be left in good hands.

i know a lot of the alistair stuff is more headcanon than anything, but going off my own world history with the games and my own role play ideas and stuff, these are the associations in my head and how i interpret the cost of his sacrifice alongside hawke’s.  and i’ve even tried jotting some fic ideas exploring so many different post-fade concepts depending on which was left behind to see if i could construct some mental narrative to help me “commit” to sacrificing one of them, and in honesty, i think in the end i would go with hawke, because even though it’s more of an immediately impactful death (VARRIC IM SO FUCKGIN SORRY), it is personal, and i think that motivation is beyond alistair’s more “honorable” motivation. i think alistair could be convinced to help the wardens before hawke could be convinced to step back and let someone else take care of corypheus “for him,” for lack of a better term.

HOWEVER. it may be wishful thinking in order to cope, but i would be willing to bet that in da4, we find out whoever was left in the fade is not dead after all, because if it is hawke you leave behind, or even with alistair, these are both two protagonists that would have rather unceremonious deaths. narratively, that’s kind of lame writing if we were to forgo the closure of their actual deaths. even in the choice tree it says the person will “most likely” die; in the cut scene as the inquisitor and the non-sacrificed character run toward the rift, you see in the background the other character fight the monster and hit the ground under an attack, but we don’t see an explicit “death.”  they are then, understandably, assumed dead.  but there’s no actual confirmation. and i don’t know the writing team personally, who am i to say they’re indisputably above this, but i would like to have enough faith in them to expect they would not commit to such an unsatisfying ending for that character’s story. even with a more “expendable” character like stroud, i think there’s too many questions left behind. 

the introduction of walking physically in the fade and surviving is a huge revelation in-game. it’s reiterated that that literally hasn’t happened since the first magisters entered the black city.  that’s ENORMOUS. and if they’re only going to explore that twice—or more like one and a half times because we get the vague opening cut scene of escaping the fade, then the adamant sequence—it again feels very inconsistent and sloppy. dorian even says that essentially once people realize it is possible to survive the fade physically, they are going to try it, however unwise and irresponsible.  i think the da4 teasers alone (i haven’t followed da4 updates very closely tbh bc i haven’t been able to play trespasser yet bc i only have a ps3 and i’m trying so hard not to get too spoiled beyond the main inquisition ending asjkfd) imply our experiences with the “real” fade are so far from over.  and thus, i feel “comfortable” leaving hawke in the fade because i would like to believe he’s going to come back. i mean, he’s hawke right? and if hawke’s character can come back, that would then further suggest if you left the warden in the fade, they would have to come back too for whatever the da4 narrative might be.

ok sorry this is rly long and disorganized im bad at communicating ideas effectively but i have been thinking about this lately way more than i care to admit lmao

[booksoanahasread]

Turtles All the Way Down by John Green

If you haven’t read this book since it came out, you’re missing out. It isn’t my favourite novel by John Green, but it is wonderful. I first read it in my first year of highschool and I had a completely different reaction now. Thinking back to that time in my life, I found solace in it, but this time it just led to some discomfort. 

The main character, Aza Holmes, is a peculiar girl. Sure, she has a mental illness, and it affects her so profoundly that it shakes the reader. She was so stuck inside her brain, which was swamped with thousands of perturbing thoughts. I wouldn’t characterise her as selfish though, I think she just couldn’t escape from the prison of her inner monologue. 

I don’t usually write in my books and use post it notes, but this time I did, because having quotes marked paints a better picture of the life of Aza. For example, Ava admits that “The thing about a spiral is, if you follow it inward , it never actually ends. It just keeps tightening, infinitely” (page 7). The way she uses metaphors to property describe her situation is a recurring theme throughout the novel, which is a wonderful addition. 

I loved Aza’s confession to feeling akin to Davis due to the fact that he writes in his blog that neither of them can choose their thoughts. This brings her closer to her since she finally feels that someone has the ability to understand her. Davis would be in awe of Aza if he had heard her saying that she felt close to him because they were both under the same sky. 

The scene where Aza, Mychal, Daisy, and Davis are at Applebee’s and Aza feels completely detached from what the others were talking about was incredibly relatable, I’ve felt like that many times (“it felt like I was watching the whole thing from somewhere else, like I was watching a movie about my life instead of living it.”) It was cathartic to see that I’m not the only one who feels like that at times. I haven’t even told anyone this, but when I reread that sequence, it was as if it were ghostwritten by my subconscious. 

I think the quote from the novel that adequately sums up Aza’s relationship with Davis is “Our hearts were broken in the same places. That’s something like love, but not quite the thing itself.” They may have been perfect for each other were the circumstances slightly different. I was rooting for them, I hoped that it would all end in favour of both of them, which it did, but the ambiguity was dissatisfying. 

The title of the novel is a perfect metaphor for the way to look at life. There is never one aspect that you can pinpoint that doesn’t build upon another, that doesn’t affect another. It’s turtles all the way down and that isn’t a problem, but rather the essence of life and the human spirit. Life can never depend on one simple fact, there are thousands of factors. Human spirit on the other hand is endless, whether it be for the welfare of others or the malevolence of certain groups. 

The last page of the novel broke me on some level that I hadn’t known could be broken. The quote “no one ever says good-bye unless they want to see you again” is absolutely heartbreaking, it is gut-wrenching. It just gets you thinking about the amount of people you’ve said good-bye to and how you really do wish to see some of them again. 

The way the things ended between Aza and Davis was agonising, I wish I could have gotten some closure, but ultimately in life you can never get the closure you want. You only get what you need. 

Aza’s friendship with Daisy was supportive and I reveled in their closeness. I loved how they could be honest with one another and could properly communicate, the only exception is probably the car crash scene (and the Mongols). I think they are two fantastic women who can go through anything together. I loved them so much. 

To conclude, this is a magnificent book and I do recommend it to anyone who really wants to dive into the brain of someone who has mental health problems, it gives a lot of insight. I’ll leave you with this quote “It’s quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see.”

DFTBA!

[locke-writes]

To Begin Again

Author: locke-writes

Title: To Begin Again

Prompt: Forever - Mumford & Sons, Bucky Barnes For: @wkemeup​‘s 4K Writing Challenge

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,696

AN: Time is an illusion this is very late.

Marvel Tag List: @lotsoffandomimagines​ @lgbtonystarks​ @scarletsoldierrr​

As Bucky stood on the precipice of the cliff he thought about what he was about to do. He’d vowed never to come back here, vowed that once he had escaped there was no reason ever to come back. Then he thought of you. You were the only person worth doing this for, worth doing anything for really. Maybe if Steve was in the same situation Bucky would come back but he knew that he wouldn’t have done this for any member of the team. Yet this wasn’t for just any member of the team, this was for you, this was for the one person that made him whole again. This was for the one person who helped him stitch himself together, who didn’t judge him for his past actions but listened, understood, and helped move forward.

He had never wanted any harm to come to you. Often you reassured him that it wasn’t his fault, you had made the choice and therefore you only had yourself to blame. Still, Bucky couldn’t help but think of all the what if’s, his life and your own had been entirely changed in an instant. Looking back now it seemed as though it had been changed for the better but at the time it was overwhelming and terrifying and had left Bucky feeling helpless. Alone.

That was how he had felt at the time, alone and unprepared for what he would be facing in the days and perhaps months ahead of him. The team was there, Steve was there, everyone making comments and offering up help but still Bucky felt alone because while you were beside him, something had changed in his world and he was not prepared.

Now there was to be revenge.

Now there was to be a vendetta enacted against all who had destroyed his world and yours. He signaled to Steve that he was ready and the two of them ran to enter the HYDRA base.

For a long period Steve was Bucky’s only friend and advocate to become an Avenger. After the team had learned of Bucky being the one to kill Tony’s parents it became a black mark on his record, he couldn’t escape it. The rest of the team was now aware and as such wary of keeping him close. While they recognized that, as he was no longer being brainwashed, Bucky could make his own decisions, it didn’t help that while under the influence of brainwashing he had basically destroyed the life of one of their own. Apologizing for orphaning someone does not automatically grant you entrance into the superhero club. The team were not hateful of Bucky, they were more wary of how Tony would feel working alongside the man that had killed his family and that he had at one point tried to kill after finding out this fact.

Bucky hadn’t expected anyone but Steve to see differently than the rest of the team but then there you were. You knew, recognized through his actions, that Bucky had changed for the better, that he was suited to become an Avenger and yet you simultaneously knew that this wasn’t the time to add him to the team. Not unless he and Tony could put aside their shared history and work side by side. This, you also knew, was virtually impossible and Bucky had thought that this would be the last of him, that he would be stuck struggling in a world he didn’t comprehend. Sometimes he thought it would have been easier for him to just stay in Europe in that small apartment, he’d been living a life albeit not a great one. Yet then you managed to get Tony to agree to something and suddenly there you were talking to the team individually and there you were influencing a change in how they perceived him. Bucky never could remember if he had thanked you or not.

Tony agreed to Bucky becoming a probationary member of the Avengers as long as Bucky went to therapy to process what HYDRA had done to him and as long as Bucky would go to couples therapy with Tony as acquaintances trying to get over a shared trauma. Couple therapy was more often reserved for, as the name would imply, couples, however you knew a few cases in which friends had gone together to strengthen or repair a friendship. Now with the added fact that there were therapists who solely dealt with superhero related issues and hero-specific therapists, Tony and Bucky both didn’t see much of a fault in the idea other than worrying about the outcome.

It took time, they both knew that it would, but slowly they began to see each other not as the enemy but as a fellow Avenger and eventually Tony began to see Bucky as a friend. This was all because of your trust in him, all because you deemed Bucky worthy of a second chance and as Bucky repaired and built a friendship with Tony, he began to build a friendship with you also. It began with simply training together, Bucky had been a soldier but he’d never been an Avenger and there was a difference. Fighting in a war meant making split second decisions but it never meant split second decisions against the type of enemies he might be facing each day from now on. He’d have to learn to control his thoughts, learn to anticipate actions and judge movements knowing that at any time there might be an enemy that could disappear and reappear anywhere they wished. You had been a SHIELD agent for a few years before the Avengers Initiative was finally enacted, you had seen things and had more experience than almost anyone on the team with the exception of Clint and Natasha. You could be Bucky’s friend but you also needed in training, to be his mentor.

From that stemmed a true friendship. From that stemmed late nights where you two would hang out with Steve and Sam having movie nights where the two super soldiers were brought up to date on pop culture. You took Bucky out exploring in the city, showing him just how things had changed. He had been quick to catch to technology under HYDRA but having your brain scrambled practically every day meant it seemed nearly as though you were forever stuck in the year you’d been captured. With you Bucky felt normal, he knew he was like Steve – a man out of time – yet with you there was a sense of normality that he couldn’t find the words to describe. In the simplest of terms, you made him feel human.

Neither of you were sure how it had happened. Maybe it stemmed from the fact you felt as though you could share things with Bucky you had kept secret all your life. Maybe it stemmed from the fact that you had been there since the beginning, been there and trusted him since the beginning. Maybe it stemmed from a thousand other things, minute things, like inside jokes or remembering what he liked to do on Saturday mornings before Dodger games in Brooklyn back when he was twelve. He supposed all this had culminated into one undeniable fact.

Bucky Barnes had fallen in love with you and luckily for him, you had fallen in love with Bucky Barnes.

Although you had come to know one another in the months that Bucky had been living at the Avengers Compound you still took things slowly. At first the only person who was even aware that you and Bucky had started dating was Steve and this was only because you knew that he could be trusted to keep the secret of your relationship. Neither you nor Bucky had ever really talked about taking things slowly you both simply knew it was the right way to go. A relationship was something that Bucky may not fully be prepared for and to rush things could potentially destroy not only the romantic relationship you desperately wanted with the man, but it could destroy the platonic relationship with him as well.

You didn’t care though, with Bucky you would have done whatever he asked of you and he would have done whatever you asked of him. Which was why when it came down to it Bucky knew that what you did ask was what you wanted of him.

It was an argument with the team that lead to what Bucky now referred to as The Accident. The Accident, capitalized, marked with emphasis because it needed to be emphasized. It had been his fault, it would always be his fault and the scars and all evidence of what had occurred would remain present in his life, it would remain forever at the forefront of his mind. This was a day he could never forget and could never forgive himself for.

Word had gotten out that the HYDRA base Bucky had been held at was active again, more super-soldiers had been spotted in the area. HYDRA had been trying to replicate Bucky, trying to find another Winter Soldier to do their bidding and now it had become known. Surveillance of the area had caught overwhelming activity as such the team decided that it was time to infiltrate the base to shut it down completely. As Bucky was the only member of the team who had ever been inside the base he was asked to lead the raid. He refused. Only you were aware that he had made a vow never to go back to HYDRA whether it be for rescue or for capture. He didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want the memories.

The team didn’t understand and you had all fought for hours some trying to persuade Bucky to go and some just ordering him. A compromise was made, Bucky would stay at the compound but any Avenger who was to go would be provided an earpiece with which Bucky could communicate and a body cam so Bucky was able to navigate the base remotely.

In private you and Bucky discussed the option of you staying versus you going on the mission. You wanted to do it, you wanted to bring closure to the life your boyfriend had once lived, to destroy what still had its claws in him even if he wasn't under their control anymore. Albeit wary Bucky came to agree that it would be beneficial for the team to have you, and he'd feel more comfortable knowing that it was you he was giving orders to as he knew based on what secrets he'd told you that you understood just what would be in that base. At first all went well, gaining entry took some force although you, Clint, Natasha, and Sam were prepared all of you having been briefed on what the inside of the base would look like as well as how many guards would be expected. It was supposed to be fine but as soon as you turned down the corridor where the barracks for the super-soldiers everything went wrong. You supposed they had predicted someone coming to take down HYDRA, you don't know if they predicted communication through earpieces or over other devices but suddenly the signal went out. Guards came pouring from every direction and you couldn't keep up with the punches that came flying.

It was an all out brawl which you were lucky enough to survive. Racing to the barracks you flung the doors open only to be struck down by two armed super-soldiers. The fight raged on around you and instead of being able to convince them that you were there to free them, you were forced to fight. The rest of the team had their hands full and you abandoned your own group to help Clint as he was being strangled. He had to be helped, there was no way you were going to let him simply waste away because he was overpowered. Hindsight was always twenty-twenty and the next thing you knew you were in a hospital bed. Natasha would recap what happened, you'd been stabbed in the leg, nearly missing an artery. Collapsing you reached for a gun and began firing at the super-soldiers heading towards you. She said that you had asked to be left behind opening fire as a distraction but it was enough of a diversion for Sam to be able to apprehend some of your attackers. She didn't know who or what had gone flying, only that in the end you had passed out and had barely made it out alive.

According to what the doctor had explained you'd received head trauma putting you into a coma for three weeks. The surgery to repair the wound in your leg was successful although you'd need physical therapy and there was a chance that you might have a limp for the rest of your life. Knowing who you were and what you did he advised you against going out into the field anytime soon and stated it would be best for you to do desk duty for at least four months, maybe more depending on how your follow up appointments went. But at that moment facing down everything that you would deal with just to go back out there with the thought that you could die at any moment, you knew this was your chance to get what you had been contemplating, what you'd even discussed with Fury about.

You were released a week later and Fury wasn't surprised to find your two week notice on his desk later that same day.

All you wanted was a normal life. SHIELD was great, the agents there had become family but you knew if you kept at it there was a chance you could end up killed. There was never anything stopping you from all that risk, but then there came Bucky. You wanted to live, you wanted a life with Bucky, if you potentially died during a mission, well, that would put a wrench in your plans.

Within your last two weeks Tony got word that you were planning on leaving, you hadn't let it slip so you weren't sure how he found out. As a true to style, Tony Stark parting gift you were given a house and a car which you refused but he insisted not taking no for an answer.

Moving out of the Avengers Compound had given you a new start, one of which Bucky envied. Leading him to go with Steve back to the one place he vowed never to go.

He was on this cliff for you. He was wandering down to the base for you. He was walking through the doors for you. He was fighting HYDRA agents with Steve for you.

He detonated the explosives and brought down the entire base all for you. Steve was the only one that really knew what Bucky had been planning. To the team this was meant to be a reconnaissance mission but for Bucky this was the last mission he would ever be one, he had to make it count somehow. HYDRA had hurt him, bringing down their bases one by one would have been enough.

Now they had also hurt you so bringing HYDRA to its knees was the only option. Bucky texted you when he and Steve were back in the plane on the way home.

Home.

That's where he was headed now with his bags in the truck.

Home.

That's where he was now as he was swinging open the front door.

The team and SHIELD had all been instructed that the two of you could be contacted in case of emergencies if needed. You wanted this with Bucky, you wanted a home with Bucky and you wouldn't care if some of the team showed up with want of some sense of normalcy. You didn't know what you were going to do for the rest of your life, maybe a mission or two here and there but for the most part you were now free.

You were home.

You had Bucky.

And Bucky was home.

[myaekingheart]

You’ve Got Kudos

Written for Day 1 of the Kakashi Lounge Discord Server's September Event. Prompts: Fanfic Writer!Kakashi | Social Disaster | Modern AU | Roommates/Neighbors 

[Read on AO3] Pairing: Kakashi x Rei (OC)  Rating: Teen and Up @the-kakashi-lounge-blog

Kakashi has a dirty little secret and it's in the form of an AO3 account. No one is allowed to know that he writes Icha Icha fanfiction--especially not his library tech neighbor Rei. (Standalone companion piece to The Scarecrow and the Bell, Modern/College AU)

               Kakashi kicked off his shoes at the front door and slumped into his favorite chair. Tutoring wasn’t necessarily his favorite thing in the world but it looked good on resumes and put a little extra cash in his pockets, so he supposed he could tolerate it for a little while longer. If only his students hadn’t been quite so insufferable, that is.

               If anything, tutoring reminded Kakashi how much he hated underclassmen. His three protegees were all naïve freshman whose energy stores had yet to drain. Naruto was enthusiastic but slow on the uptake and it was hard to get him to properly focus. Sakura had potential but she was far too engrossed in her Instagram rivalry with fellow student Ino Yamanaka to make any real progress. And Sasuke was constantly brooding, there not by choice but rather because his professor threatened to flunk him if he didn’t seek outside help.

               Perhaps it would’ve been smarter to book them each separate appointments but with the way everyone’s schedules worked out, it was easier to just create one big study group. It was more efficient that way, anyway. Kakashi much preferred to kill three birds with one stone than chip away at his sanity little by little. And so every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, Kakashi trudged to the library to pore over used textbooks and incomprehensible scribbles in an attempt to explain simple concepts to brains that could not understand. This was fine. He didn’t need a social life anyway.

               Kakashi rubbed his tired eyes and checked the time. It was 5:30pm. He had no idea what he was going to do for dinner, nor did he really care. Sighing, he reached for his laptop and went straight to his email. At the very top of his inbox was a notification from Archive of Our Own: Comment on Icha Icha Bloodline. Kakashi’s heart jolted. In the solace of his apartment, this was his one saving grace: fanfiction.

               He admittedly felt a little ridiculous about the whole thing. What college guy not only wrote fanfiction, but for romance novels at that? He knew exactly how his taste in literature appeared. So few people truly understood the nuance and artistry of the Icha Icha books, writing it off as just cheap porn. Those books, however, gave Kakashi exactly the reprieve he needed. Within their pages, he could disappear from the stress of everyday life to instead revel in the throes of a dramatic fictional romance. His love for this series knew no bounds. His heart ached to share it with someone but if college had taught Kakahsi anything, it was that people never really change and are more than willing to judge you the minute you express any personal interests. High School: The Sequel, if you will. And so Kakashi had come to learn that there were only ever two places where he was safe to unapologetically indulge in his favorite series: within the comfort of his own home and on the internet.

               Fanfiction was never his original intention. Rather, it was the end result of a long string of unfortunate circumstances. The latest book had ended with the heroine caught between two very tempting suitors, a cliffhanger of epic proportions which left Kakashi itching for a resolution. A few months after publication, the author, Jiraiya, passed away, taking his secrets for the series’ finale with him.

               Kakashi had tried so hard not to think about it but the lack of closure ate away at him. He needed a valuable outlet through which to ramble, a way to confide in someone as invested in the series as he was. For a moment, he had considered joining a book club but all of his attempts failed. The only clubs that ever focused on books like these were run by sexually frustrated middle-aged women who sneered at the mere thought of letting a man into their circle. On recommendation from a friend, he turned to the campus library community for help but was met with nothing short of disaster, which thus introduced the second point of contention: Rei.

               The library check-in desk was notoriously run by volunteers, most of which were majoring in library science themselves. One such volunteer was Rei Natsuki, a junior with fiery hair and a chronic resting bitch face. It wasn’t that Kakashi didn’t like her, necessarily. Actually, every time he saw her he got this horrifying fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach that insisted he was about to throw up. He felt as if her eyes were on him constantly, studying his every move. This fact only furthered his gratitude for lumping together all of his tutoring appointments. The less time he spent in the library, the less often he would have to see her.

               Not that she was necessarily easy to avoid. Just his luck, she lived three doors down from him in the same off-campus apartment complex. At least if he timed things just right, he could avoid running into her in the hallway. Their mutual existence was like a very carefully choreographed dance on perilous terrain. They were constantly at risk of colliding with one another, a harrowing and horrifying fate.

               Their first encounter was in the fall of his freshman year when he snuck into the erotic fiction section searching for the Icha Icha books. As he skimmed the titles, he felt a pair of mossy eyes burning holes into his back like a cryptid whose domain has been intruded upon. When Kakashi turned around, he caught her peering around the edge of the bookshelf. Her expression was one of harsh focus and concern. “Looking for something?” she asked. For someone so small—she was roughly a foot shorter than he was—she was certainly terrifying.

               Kakashi’s face turned beet red, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “No, not particularly!” he exclaimed. “Just looking around!”

               “Hrmph” Rei huffed, unconvinced. “Well, if you need anything, I’ll be right over there” she pointed to the help desk at the front of the library. An older woman, one of the librarians, winked at her across the room and Rei’s face turned bright red. Without another word, she scurried off back to her station, grumbling under her breath. Once gone, Kakashi sighed and leaned back against the shelf. All of the books directly behind him tumbled to the ground with a loud thud. Rei immediately whipped around to glare at him but by then, he had already dove into the nearest study room. Frustrated, Rei stomped over to assess the damage and begin reorganizing the shelves. Kakashi apologized to the group he interrupted before booking it out of the building. It was in that moment that he officially decided: from that point onward, Icha Icha would remain his dirty little secret. Literally.  

               And thus came along the internet. At least there, hiding behind his computer screen, he could retain some sense of anonymity. He could disguise himself with a pen name much like wearing a mask. No one needed to know who he was. He pored over various forums, reading but never interacting. As refreshing as it was to find a sense of community amid other Icha Icha fans, his joy quickly faded when he realized one fatal flaw: no one knew what they were talking about. They all misinterpreted the characters, the relationships, the actions the heroine took to get to this point. Perhaps Jiraiya’s novels were too nuanced. Perhaps there was no hope for him after all. It was then, deep into a Reddit thread, that it dawned on him: the horrifying promise of writing fanfiction.

               At first, Kakashi refused. He would not stoop so low. The harder he resisted, however, the more appealing the idea slowly became. At least in this way, he could help people to better understand these stories in a way that he was familiar with. Not that he was an avid writer himself but he hoped he was familiar enough with the conventions of fiction to understand how it was done. As if running on autopilot, he ventured to Archive of Our Own and created an account under the pseud “CopyNin.”

               His fanfiction, Icha Icha Bloodline, introduced dramatic new themes and conflicts to the story he loved, expanding on the love triangle with a depth and sincerity that he hoped would make Jiraiya proud. It hadn’t gotten many hits yet, but that just made every kudos and comment feel that much heavier. As his cursor hovered over his inbox now, he almost questioned whether he even wanted to know. Every shared thought had the capacity to make or break his motivation. But if he didn’t look, he wouldn’t be able to contain himself. He needed to know. He pulled up the latest comment and his heart leapt into his throat. It was from LittleBell.

               LittleBell was, for lack of a better word, iconic amid the Icha Icha fandom. They were one of the first writers Kakashi had encountered when he first considered fanfiction as a possibility. Their name appeared in dozens of forum posts, attached to both praise and criticism alike. By the time Kakashi looked into them himself, they had already written 100,000 words worth of fic with the longest piece nearing 100 chapters. It was clear why they were so popular. The cadence of their sentences, their detailed characterization, and their dynamic plot points all made Kakashi’s heart sing. He could only hope to one day be as great a writer as they were.

               Kakashi had lurked through fifteen chapters before, in a fit of sleep-drunken gumption, he had decided to leave LittleBell a comment. It was short and sweet and afterward, Kakashi groaned into his pillow second-guessing every sentence, but he awoke to an encouraging response that firmly cemented the allure of writing a fic himself. And now here he was, faced with a comment from them on his own work. How could he ever prepare himself for something so huge? He instinctually expected scathing criticism. Your characterization sucks. You’re writing them all too flat. Her suitors would never say XYZ or do ABC. Have you even read the books? This is trash. Kakashi’s hands shook as he tried to shove those negative thoughts out of his mind. LittleBell had been so kind before so, realistically, why would their response be any different? Kakashi scratched the back of his head, knowing that the longer he waited, the more maddening this was going to become. Without another moment’s hesitation, he forced himself to view the comment.

               This was so great! I love the way you write these characters—I can tell you have a really deep understanding of the heroine, especially. It’s so refreshing to read a fic that not only retains the romance of the originals but also emphasizes it in a way that’s super meaningful rather than cheesy. My favorite part was the scene where she’s fixing his watch. “It’s really an exquisite watch. Such a shame that it’s stopped working.” “I guess that just means that we’ll have to stay in this moment forever” “What will everyone else say? They’ll get tired of waiting.” “Let them wait. I’m always late to everything anyway. What’s another eternity?” My heart! You can really tell just how much he loves her, and it makes that love triangle all the more tense and heartbreaking! You’re really just doing an incredible job with this and I can’t wait to read more!”

               Kakashi’s cheeks burned as he buried his face in his hands. It was all he could do to hide the grin on his face. Not that anyone was there to tease him for it. Pakkun was fast asleep on the couch and likely wouldn’t have cared anyway. Alone in his apartment, Kakashi was exploding. To think that someone so talented and renowned within the fandom not only noticed his work but enjoyed it was mind-blowing. This was a high he would surely be riding for the rest of the week, if not the rest of the semester. Nothing could be better than this.

               Once the debilitating excitement wore down a bit, Kakashi was then stuck with the battle of writing a response. He knew there were some in the community who considered responding a controversial topic—something about trying to increase your comment count—but Kakashi enjoyed replying to every single person who took the time to say something nice. And this was certainly something very nice. How could he possibly put into words his overwhelming gratitude? He had no clue. Kakashi stewed over the prospect for a solid ten minutes before his growling stomach urged him to hurry up. He had completely forgotten he was hungry but now his body was not going to let him forget. He considered stepping away and replying later, after he had time to chew it over, but then quickly shoved away the thought. He couldn’t afford to put this on the backburner at the risk of forgetting about it entirely. No, he needed to do this now.

               Kakashi typed, paused, considered, then backspaced and typed again. When he was finally at least mildly pleased with his response, he sucked in a deep breath and pressed Comment.

               Huffing in relief, Kakashi stretched out and leaned his head back against his chair. All that was left to do now was wait. Would they even respond back? He didn’t know. Sometimes a comment began a whole conversation, other times it was a singular instance like a comet in the night sky.

               But for now, he was going to try not to dwell on it. He received LittleBell’s praise, and if they were to respond back then so be it. It was all up to fate now. Kakashi slipped on his shoes, shoved his phone, wallet, and keys into his pocket, and headed out. As he locked his apartment, he heard without listening as a door down the hall creaked open. The sound reached his ears but his brain did not register what it was until it was too late. Turning around, he abruptly bumped into her.

               A gasp fell from Rei’s lips as she collided with Kakashi’s chest. Her half-open backpack swung on her shoulder, spilling its contents onto the floor. “S-sorry about that!” he croaked, clearing his throat. Kakashi’s hands shook as he leaned down to help gather her belongings, all the while fearing her wrath. Among the used textbooks and stuffed notebooks was a green paperback with a big prohibition sign on the cover. The little bell charm attached to Rei’s keychain jingled and automatically Kakashi was punched in the gut with a realization of Pavlovian proportions. Little Bell.

               “I-I’m sorry…what was that…?” Rei stammered and suddenly Kakashi realized he had, in fact, spoken aloud. Her voice, in response, was so much quieter than he had ever thought she was capable of—filled with the striking fear of being vulnerably and intrinsically known. Unmasked.

               Kakashi’s eyes widened as he shuffled to gather as many of her books as he could manage. “I-I didn’t know you liked the Icha Icha books” he murmured. He could hardly make eye contact as he handed her back her things.

               “Yeah…” she said, slowly accepting them, “They’re, uh…they’re my favorite.”

               Rubbing the back of his neck, Kakashi chuckled nervously and replied, “Mine, too.”

               She wasn’t sure what it was about him but in that moment, a sickening feeling filled her chest, a nauseating suspicion that she couldn’t shake. There was really only way to confirm whether or not those suspicions were correct. At the risk of looking like an idiot, she cleared her throat then and said, “You know, that’s a really exquisite watch.” Kakashi froze, his eyes gently skating down to his wrist. He wasn’t wearing a watch. His heart pounded in his chest. Rei bit her lip, dropped her eyes to the floor. “It’s, uh, it’s a shame it’s stopped working.”

               Kakashi’s mind was reeling. None of this felt real. Suddenly Rei was a completely different person to him now. He saw her not as the terrifying, impatient, and indirect girl from the library but the extremely talented, encouraging, yet perhaps unfortunately shy writer that he had spent so much time idolizing. If only he had known of the bond they secretly shared over the past few months. He could hardly fight the grin on his face as he murmured back, “Then I guess we’ll just have to stay in this moment forever.”

               Rei’s cheeks burned as she hugged her books to her chest. She could feel the laughter rising up in the back of her throat—this was so ridiculous, and yet at the same time this was everything she had ever wanted. If only Kakashi had truly known how much she had suppressed over the years, since they first met in the library. The way the old librarian encouraged her to speak to him when she caught him perusing her favorite books. The way she’d hide out in her apartment whenever he left for class, watching from the window too scared to approach. The way she channeled all of her unrequited love and inner turmoil into the very story she now knew he idolized. She felt so strange and vulnerable but also for the first time truly seen. It was the most bizarre and lovely sensation.

               She had no idea how long they actually stood there in the hallway like that, reveling in this newfound connection, but all too soon reality suddenly hit her. “D-do you have somewhere you’re supposed to be? I don’t want you to be late!” she exclaimed.

               Kakashi, however, still entranced, shook his head and replied, “Let them wait. I’m always late to everything anyway.” Rei brushed the long bangs back out of her face, completely incapable of stifling her laughter. Kakashi joined her—the breadth of his smile, the bravado of his voice, the way his eyes squinted when he laughed, all were enough to make her weak in the knees. “Are you hungry?” he then asked. “I was just about to get something to eat. You should come with me.”

               Sliding her books back into her backpack, Rei smiled and replied, “I would love that.” Swinging her bag back over her shoulder, she walked alongside him down the hallway. Their fingers itched to interlock, their hearts pounding out of their chests. He opened the door for her and together they stepped out into the autumn air. Nothing else mattered. In that moment, all that existed was them: CopyNin and LittleBell.