#will i be able to bring myself to do a terrible person route like i did with amicia in night road? i dunno

[nightingaletrash]

a surprisingly wholesome ending for a WoD game <3

[cafeinthemoon]

More Myself Than I Am - Chapter V

Chapter 5/?

Wordcount 2,9k

Title Rashomon

Fandom Bungo Stray Dogs

Pairing Ryuunosuke Akutagawa X reader

Previous chapters

1 . 2 . 3 . 4

Symbols ⭕ . ➕ . 💛

Warnings: implied violent death

Tagging @lasidollily @darling-imobsessed @samyayaya  (if you want to be tagged in any of my stories, just send an ask or a message 😉)

N. A.: So finally, after several months and with a bunch of other projects to occupy my time, I managed to finish this chapter! I'm so happy! I was a bit hard to work on it bc there were details I've completely forgot about, given the time I've spent away from this story, but it's finally here. In this one, we will have the direct continuation of the previous chapter, and great revelations to reader...

Hope you enjoy it and I'm sorry for all ths time without updates XD

You had no time to turn and look at him.

Something fast, sharp made its way toward you with the power of a lightning and wrapped itself around you before you could think of pushing or stopping it. You looked down and saw what reminded you of a black stripe on your waist; it pulled you behind, and in a split second you found yourself breathless, trembling in your friend’s arms, your ability deactivating by the startle and the exhaustion.

The next thing you remembered was Akutagawa summoning more of those shadows against the men, the stripes widening to block your peripheral sight. The vivid sound of flesh being pierced and sliced was heard, followed by suffocated screams of fear and despair. The stripes came back to their place with a swoosh and disappeared, and then there was silence.

You were still unable to move, only standing thanks to his grip. You didn’t dare look at your adversaries now – or what was left of them – and were satisfied in just imagining what might happened. At least you no longer had to worry.

Now, you needed to focus on the things you just found out.

First, your brother-in-law was a terrible person, involved in activities with high probability of being illegal. Second, your family was now in danger, and you couldn’t do anything for them when you yourself were in a much worse situation. Finally, the man with whom you were about to have a date was an esper just like you. You didn’t know if you should be relieved or desperate: Arthur also had special abilities, but that didn’t bring you any safeness. However, Akutagawa has always been gentle with you; and, when you found yourself in the most dangerous situation of your life since the incident with Virginia, he just came to protect you. Should you expect things to be different?

There wasn’t much time to think about this, though: once the work was done and your survival was assured, the next thing to do was to provide an escape route, something that wasn’t really hard since your partner summoned the shadows again and took you with him to the nearest rooftop, perhaps the same he used to access the alley. You held your breath and shut your eyes tight with the sudden change of place, only opening them again when you sensed a ground under your feet.

Akutagawa still had an arm around you, but with his free hand he grabbed his phone to make a call.

This was what he said when the person answered:

– It’s done. Take your men to the place and clean it.

He turned it off and typed a second number. This time, the conversation lasted a bit longer, and the imperative note in his voice wasn’t present, an indicative of the superiority of the person to whom he talked that time.

– Sir, the mission was accomplished. The men are taking care of the rest.

The person on the other side of the line seemed to ask something, but you weren’t able to hear it.

– No problem – Akutagawa replied – We’re on our way.

There was no need to explain to whom the we was referring to. When the call ended, you had the nerve to ask where he was going to take you.

– To the only place where you can stay safe for now – he looked around and below, as to make sure you didn’t have unwanted eyes watching anything.

No other explanation was given after this. He left that rooftop and took you to the ground of another alley, where there was a black car at its entry, maybe the same you saw him entering in the day he walked you home.

You didn’t question his intentions or hesitate to approach the vehicle: your legs, still able to walk, led you to it, and when the door was opened, your body just found its way inside it. Akutagawa took the place by your side and closed the door.

Once you sat down, your head was so heavy that you had to hold your forehead to not fall on the front seat’s back. An order was whispered to the driver by your friend, and the car started moving fast and silent. The last thing you remembered was trying to lean your back on the seat when a dizziness took over your senses and your sight went completely dark.

***

Your eyes were heavy when you tried to open them for the first time, but you did it after a few attempts. You blinked to get used to the light and, when your sight cleared, you took the next moment to understand your position and surroundings.

Your back was leaning on the softness of an armchair, your head inclined to the side, your hands resting on your lap. You moved on the chair and sensed a numbness on your limbs, typical of a fainting; you searched through your memories and recollected the moment you entered the car and were followed by Akutagawa.

You straightened up on your spot and shivered: your skin was cold despite the regular temperature of the room. You passed your arms around yourself and observed the place…

And were impressed by the sophistication and beauty you found.

It was a large apartment with modest yet fine decoration, with dark, grayish walls and a black, polished floor, covered with carpets. At your right, you sensed there was natural light, as if entering through glass; you turned toward it and discovered a pair of transparent doors, wide open. There was no wind coming in, but that explained the cold air around. You also sensed a slight, mixed smell of camphor and tea.

Quiet steps were heard near your spot, and you found out weren’t left alone in that room. You raised your eyes and saw Akutagawa approaching and stopping in front of your chair. Suddenly, the memory of the fight in the alley, when he activated his powers, came back and you flinched. Ignoring your reaction, he just did what he intended: with his right hand, he touched your ear with his fingertips, the same ear hit by the metal bead controlled by the man of the scars; when you felt the touch, you noticed your skin was covered with a bandage. With the contact, it burned a little: it was when you realized the metal hit hard.

Akutagawa was the first to speak.

– It stopped bleeding, then – and, moving his hand away, – Good.

You touched your ear in the same spot he did.

– Did you make this bandage?

He nodded in confirmation.

– Thank you.

Instead of replying, he went back to the kitchen, then returned with two cups of tea in hands, one of which he offered to you. You murmured a “thank you” and he took a seat on a chair identical to yours, placed near it, crossing his legs in a what might be the most informal manners he was able to assume.

You took the tea in tense silence, except for the moment you complimented him for the good work in preparing the drink.

– I do it the same way almost every day – he justified – It’s a simple recipe, which makes things easier for me, especially in the busy days.

You found it strange that he gave you all this explanation about his relationship with the process of making tea instead of just accepting your compliment, but you didn’t question it, limiting yourself to an “I see” before the silence was again established between you.

When you finished your tea, you kept your eyes in the cup’s bottom, observing the wet leaves inside it while warming your hands with the remaining heat of the porcelain.

Akutagawa, whose practical manners wouldn’t be left aside by the tensions of earlier, was the one who started the conversation.

– I suppose you want to know where you are.

You raised your eyes to him as soon as you heard those words.

– This apartment is mine – he explained – At the moment, we are in a building that belongs to the organization I work for.

You swallowed. After everything you’ve experienced that day, the word organization was starting to acquire a suspicious meaning.

– What kind of... organization is this one?

The young man in front of you didn’t spare your ears nor your nerves with his answer.

– One that serves as a pillar for the city you came to live in: The Port Mafia.

You felt your entire body tensing up, and your hands tightened around the empty cup. You opened your mouth, but closed it again, not knowing what to say to this.

So… I was about to have a date with a member of a criminal organization?

None of this represented a problem to Akutagawa, who seemed to have anticipated it.

– Revealing this to you in the current circumstances wasn’t in my plans, y/n-san – he continued, the same composed tone as before – But we have nor the choice nor the time to make things different. So, let me explain the situation first, then you will have the chance to decide what to do. As you already noticed, I myself am an esper too. My ability is called Rashomon. To summarize, it is a fabric that devours anything that enters its reach, which includes the space itself. I’ve been working for the Mafia since I was a kid, and for all these years it served me well. There are others like us in our organization, as much as there are common people. We are present in all possible segments of society, and this is how it came to our knowledge that a woman with non documented powers has arrived in Yokohama.

You swallowed.

So, I’ve been observed for all this time.

Suddenly, it came to your memory that night when you sensed a strange presence near your building and went to check it out. Since you couldn’t find anything, you forgot about the episode, supposing that it was just an impression. Now, you weren’t so sure of this.

But Akutagawa hasn’t finished yet.

– However, the Port Mafia is not the only group that knows about you: a foreigner organization, involved with international traffic of espers and counting on native agents to maintain its activities, has been surrounding our city for months and discovered your existence by the same time as us. That man Arthur was one of their agents. He was using your sister to approach you. I was designated to follow his steps, and I suppose he was well informed about me, for he recognized me that day when we met.

The image of Arthur cheering up in the company of your sisters in that occasion, then the one of his body falling and crashing down in your living room returned to you, and your hands trembled.

– It’s a shame that I only found about him when it was too late – you whispered.

– And this is what I wanted to ask you about – your friend continued, unaffected – What happened in your apartment?

You took a deep breath and recalled the disturbing events. It was curious that, instead of the expected shame or fear, speaking about the things you heard and saw – and especially what you did about them – brought a deep sensation of relief; it might have been because you had someone like you to hear the story, or because you finally accepted all of that as real, and not a nightmare, once you talked, or even something between these two. Besides, the fact that Akutagawa didn’t interrupt you and showed no signs of shock or disgust with your actions contributed with this sense of comfort: somehow, his view on what happened to you – and about you – had deep importance.

– And now I don’t know what to do – you concluded, your voice beginning to crack – I can’t go back to my house and see how my sisters are doing, neither I can go to the police without exposing myself... I’m trapped...

No verbal response came from your listener, as he gave you a moment to regain sobriety. When he finally opened his mouth, was to make you an offer.

– Now you understand why I said this is the safest place for you now? – and, when you gave him a nod, – But you can’t stay here forever. And, about this, our head wants to have a conversation with you.

You gasped. The head of the Port Mafia – whoever they were – was interested in you and your powers? Well, you wouldn’t have been taken there for any other reason.

– I don’t know how much you’ve heard about this, but we, bearers of special abilities living in this country, are under an inconvenient bureaucracy – Akutagawa continued – This means that our condition needs to be documented and cataloged by the government, or else our lives might become difficult, whether we are involved with an organization that utilizes our powers or not. Since you don’t have such documentation, no support from the regular authorities must be expected in your case. So, as you can see, things are harder for you than for your family at this moment.

Well, good. As if it wasn’t enough for you to go through all the terrible things involving Arthur and his partners, now you had to worry about documentation.

You sighed.

– If my situation is as complicated as you’re saying, what difference my choice would make to you? As far as I can see, I’ve only been a problem for anyone who surrounds me. What does the Port Mafia expect to gain with this case?

Akutagawa uncrossed his legs and stood up, taking the cup from your hands.

– This is exactly what our head wants to discuss with you – he explained – My role was assure your integrity and bring you to our quarters. Any other information you need to know, you will have from him.

Before you had the chance to continue the conversation, two knocks were heard at the front door. Akutagawa extended a stripe of his Rashomon to unlock it, making you flinch: despite having witnessed it in action before, it was just unsettling to watch him use his power in a casual place such as a living room.

The door was open and there you saw a short, young man with vibrant, ginger hair under a hat and a black coat hanging upon his shoulders. He had his hands on his waist, in an informal position that made him stand out of the environment.

For a moment, he didn’t open his mouth, staring at Akutagawa, then at you, then back to the first, as if not knowing if he should say what he came to say or if he arrived at the wrong time.

With a sigh, he finally decided to speak.

– Ah, you’re here at last – and, with a gesture of his thumb that indicated some place behind him – Boss is impatient to see you. He’s waiting in his office.

Akutagawa nodded in concordance.

– We’re on our way.

He looked at you without a word, but you were quick to understand: you were going to see his superior – “the boss”, as his partner said – in the next moments. You stood up too, looking at the ginger, then back to your friend.

– I’m ready.

***

At first, you thought that you would have your eyes covered or you would be knocked out to wake up only when you were in front of the said Mafia’s leader – since you weren’t part of the organization, possessed special abilities and were desperate, every measure must be taken, so that you would never reveal the smallest information to the outside world. However, none of this happened: Akutagawa didn’t even hold your arm during the walk; he just led you to an elevator at his apartment’s floor and, after a few seconds of lifting, its doors opened to reveal a large corridor surrounded by black walls that, according to him, would lead to your destination. He was the first to step into it, and you just followed him.

It was when the reason why you were allowed to see the path became clear.

This is the quarters of the city’s underworld. The closer I get to its head, the harder would be for me to leave and reveal anything.

By the end of the corridor, a tall pair of doors were visible.

– It’s here – his voice echoed through the liminal space, despite his low tone.

He pushed them with little effort, and you saw them move in synchrony, revealing a wide room that would be as dark as its outsides if it wasn’t for the wall entirely made of glass at the observer’s left, just like the one at Akutagawa’s apartment; thanks to them, you were able to analyze your surroundings in precious details.

The room would seem empty with a lighter color palette, but the one chosen for it did an excellent work in using the extra space, from the decorated ceiling lining to the dark green wallpaper, and the intricate patterns of the large, wine-shaded carpet. At the opposite side of the room, at least meters ahead of your spot, there was a woody work-table, a black chair and three shelves full of books, placed on both of the table’s sides and behind it; a second chair, modest if compared with the first one, was before the table, as if it wasn’t part of the room and it was only brought there moments before you arrived.

You and Akutagawa weren’t the only ones at that place: standing at the side of the glass wall, with his hands behind his back, a man with black coat and a red scarf upon his shoulders was observing the outsides. He turned to you as soon as the doors were closed, and greeted you both with a composed smile.

You approached as he went to take a place close to the table, and once you put your eyes on his face, you froze. Yes, he was different from how you used to see him – his hair was properly combed, his beard has been shaved and his entire apparel was dark – but there was no way for you to be deceived.

There you had the head of Port Mafia, though you knew him by another name.

– Dr. Ougai?

Chapter 6

[katyspersonal]

Hey for the fandom ask let’s change a little i’m curious to know what you think of Deltarune characters (& Undertale if no one else ask)

Oh, alright! Yeah, I do not address UTDR all that often despite avidly awaiting Deltarune's completion... This happens when I am into a thing but choose to not interact with the fandom! I will separate the games because even though UT and DR share some characters, even they are slightly differently portrayed.

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

DELTARUNE:

❤Favorite character

This motherfucker is some of the most intimate and personal a character ever got to be for me:

I was actually so surprised by Literally Everything about him that I needed several days to process his EXISTENCE xD I absolutely love every single line he makes, and I feel strange deep relation to him (not kinnie one, but it feels spiritual). We are just on the same wavelength about being huge l00sers, being cringe but with a unique charisma, having intense mood swings, using weird humour and, of course, the whole 'perceiving the world as a simulation and going insane because of it'... I wish there was a legit term for 'the character I do not kin yet relate to and feel emotions of like they were my own'. I also once had a weird dream about him fusing with me into one entity to get to be 'real' using my human soul, and trust me, that was a whole TRIP for a considerable time. :')

👿Least favorite character

I will have to say Jevil, but this isn't entirely fair... Like I said, I am not ABLE to dislike a fictional character, ESPECIALLY by Toby, but with Jevil it is a love/hate relationship, so he is the only one who can even approach ;-; He is same category as Patches Fromsoft: the 'You have a lot to love about you, but... WHY.' kind of character. xD

💐Comfort character

Deltarune version of Asgore is THE definition of the soft man. Somewhat lingers with me that in UT timeline he murdered children, but... this just doesn't get to me. After all, most people are capable of terrible atrocities, it is only a matter of whether they meet the conditions that bring it up in them or not. Hehehe...

😍Character you have the biggest crush on

Surprisingly, not Spamton! We are only [[Serious Business Offer]], my [[babygirl]]! Instead, I fucking HAD to have a crush on the hypocritical weather wane bitch ass motherfucker idiot Rouxls Kaard! x_x I still can't justify it to this fucking day. I tend to only like characters that are smart and complex, but I guess his Style TM and charisma alone are irresistible.

🤝Character you relate to the most

You probably won't believe me, but... Noelle? Yeah, I know, this is very hard to communicate because she is sweet and soft but I am rude and abrasive, to say the least. Nonetheless, I am as far as kinning this character. There is a side of me that is alas not shown very often, however, close friends know of it. Christmas is my favourite holiday, I am very smart and talented but let people use me, I ask too many questions, I have some kindness to me, I am anxious and get startled easily, I am actually easy to push around the closer you are... Heck, sometimes I switch full mode into speaking like her, feeling like her and envisioning myself as her in my mind. x_x

It is a side of me that no longer shows often, nonetheless, it is still alive, like a soft core under a very thick skin. I also started to SERIOUSLY relate to her history after learning of the Snow Grave route.

🔥Character you think is overrated

I ammmm gonna say, Spamton NEO version! When this character became really popular, it felt as though everyone only cared about his NEO form! Yeah, they are the same character, actually, but it is more about the delivery! If you don't love Spamton at his 'silly super short failing salesman that lives in the trashcan', you don't deserve him at his 'tall cool robot' form!!!!1! /lh

🧨Character you love to hate

Rouxls Kaard again! I know, it is the only DR character that gave me even a semblance of attraction, but I will always bully him for the coward and hypocrite siding with the winning side that he is XD

🙈Character you always forget exists

That one red blob with a face that characters always act around as if that's their friend and someone famous. See, I do not even remember their name! This is how much I forget about them!

🐰Favorite non-human character

Deltarune has only one human character to begin with, so I will use this field as 'favorite unexplored character' instead. Well, I was actually rather fond of Diamond King in my time! Gave him hella headcanons and all that!

❤️‍🩹Character who deserved better

ALL THE KINGS!!!!!!!! Diamond, Heart and Club Kings - because they were just a haha funny cameo with only Diamond King having at least SOME lines. Spade King was handled well enough in the canon, but it was the fandom that gave him pretty bad treatment - from neglecting the nuance of his character to the outright ableism (I am serious). But even fandom aside, Spade King deserved better than having endured an obvious divorce from a rather shallow wife, being abandoned by his Knight and living in the bitterness about how Lightners treated the Darkners. No shit he became an unlikeable person. Like... can anyone treat him nicely?

UNDERTALE:

❤Favorite character

I love them all, but THE favorite got to be Undyne!

She is already the badass fish girlfriend in the normal timeline, however, her best traits sure get to shine in Merciless Route. Her speech about humans and monsters hearts beating as one just to continue existing absolutely won me over. The coolest character, hands down.

👿Least favorite character

No such thing, sorry! The closest I can think of is Muffet because unlike other bosses, she is Just There and is doing the smug anime girl moves, but she is still cute! Also I still like spiders ;-;

💐Comfort character

W. D. Gaster + Whatever fandom made out of W. D. Gaster (that mostly comes from interpreting Mystery Man sprite as him). But honestly, this character makes me happy! A mad scientist that accidentally cancelled his own existence and transcended beyond his own plane.

😍Character you have the biggest crush on

Stupid motherfucking Mettaton and his pretentious, full of self personality -_- Can you tell yet that I have a type? W. D. Gaster is the close second, however.

🤝Character you relate to the most

Honestly, Papyrus. Almost a kinnie. Again, something hard to explain, because you can see my personality doesn't match, but it is just... the whole 'looser that really wants approval but is THE manifestation of everything that won't make anyone except a few people appreciate him'. He is also silly, that I can relate to. I will turn goddamn full TWENTY SIX in April, but I am still just really silly and naive @_@

🔥Character you think is overrated

I don't know whether I want to say Sans, because he kindaaaaa deserved his popularity... I think it is more about how his potential was overrated. In every Undertale AU, he is the central figure, and like... THIS is my gripe. If you gonna alter universes, why not touch other characters?

🧨Character you love to hate

Mettaton, because he is a huge bitch, actually xd Like, yes, he is very attractive, but I also want to short his circuits and not in the way of a weird euphemism, but in a literal way :( Think of 'I want to strangle him' but in regards of a robot character. Fuck him for abandoning Napstablook and being mean to Alphys when she is clearly struggling with many issues in weird ways :( I still love him tho

🙈Character you always forget exists

Nice Cream guy! Only ever remember about him when he is brought up in his ship with Burgerpants.

🐰Favorite non-human character

Again, Undertale has like... TWO human characters, so I will reverse this point! Picking between All Two of them, I think I like Chara better than Frisk. They invoke so much sympathy, they were the only one who truly understood Asriel (by his OWN admission!), they take lacking trust and bullshit very seriously and were clearly a very strong-willed child.

❤️‍🩹Character who deserved better

The entire Dremurr family, including Chara. I mean... the whole plot sprouts from the tragedy of this family, so I guess this part is a no-brainer. Honorable mention is Alphys in the ending variant where Mettaton becomes the king, because it is heavily implied that she either committed minecraft or simply was in a terrible mental space enough to distance and disappear from society. I am thinking about that timeline every now and then. I even had a lost concept of her trying to run away from everything that fell on her and falling into rift in time, that changed her permanently. A never developed AU because people in a Discord server dissed my overly elaborate idea :(

Thank you for the ask though! I don't get to talk about UTDR side of me all that often, despite how much it means for me!

[mllemouse]

2022 holiday card

hi friends.

I've been feeling like i can approach tumblr from a healthier perspective lately, so

i thought I'd write you my version of like those family newsletters you get in holiday cards to keep everyone in the loop.

Uh, TW for like terrible mental health issues and sexual assault.

I last posted in October 2021, so to cover that bit as well...

that month i set my hair on fire over my stove and had to cut it up to my chest to get rid of all the singed bits. I was sad that my long long hair was gone, so I had my coworker shave me a raddddd undercut

In November 2021 i started seeing a few therapists after spending almost the entire year trying to get started with one and increasingly relying on friends and crisis lines to keep myself here. I settled on one therapist i really liked and still see him weekly.

In December, my coworker began sexually harassing me. It's still an issue and I no longer work with him one on one. Its brought up a lot of past trauma. My mum came to pick me up and bring me home for Christmas, but instead got COVID and had to quarantine in my studio apartment with me for three weeks. I didn't get COVID, but between that and the coworker stuff, i felt pretty traumatized by January. Thank God i got the therapist thing covered in november.

In January one of my coworkers quit, leading to a mass exodus over the course of the year. I'm so proud of my coworkers for pursuing new positions and getting out of this poorly run organization. My visa renewal application also began in January and was approved a few weeks ago, meaning i can stay in the country until 2025! And my employer has agreed to sponsor my green card app, after which I too am outta this place. I've learned a lot about distancing myself from work when the situation is so far from ideal. I also opened up to my closest coworkers about being queer, my history with sexual assault, and what had happened with our coworker in December (which continued into January), and we came up with a safety plan, plus i felt a lot closer to them.

in March i was still really struggling and my therapist recommended medication. I got a wonderful psychiatrist who gently introduced me to the appropriate drugs, not so gently introduced me to the pathological understanding of my mental illnesses. The first week I was on meds my best friend from undergrad came to visit for a week and we saw Tame Impala, which was incredible. Plus did a whole bunch of other fun stuff. I hadn't seen her since like... 2018? Despite the side effects of meds, being upset over my clinical evaluation, and overwhelmed at getting back into like going out in public and doing things, being able to wake up without immediately feeling suicidal was a huge relief.

April I went to Philadelphia TWICE in two weeks. Once to cheer J on in a half marathon and then with my coworker to a conference and sightseeing. I had really wonderful visits and can't believe I had never visited before then!!!

In May, my best friend from grad school and I rode the five boro bike tour. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to ride across the Tappan Zee Bridge and back, which is over 100km (aka a century ride) from my house. This was supposed to be one of my big rides to gear up for the century. This ride was not as fun as 2021, there were so many people and dangerous casual riders on the route, then we spent four and a half hours trying to get home cause the ferries we're overwhelmed. I had fun with my friend but I'm not so sure about next year.

In June i visited J's beach house after a gruelling exhibition schedule through May and June. i had a lovely time until i had a meltdown on the third day. I went to the beach in a binder for the first time and decided to just wear my board shorts instead of taking them off to swim, which was nice. J and our other friend began using they/them pronouns and my nicknames L and LG when they were talking with me in person, and it was super heartwarming and exciting to experience. It made me feel very special.

In July, i had my first appointment for HRT. They prescribed me testosterone right away, but it took around a month to get a response from my insurance, which denied the claim. I was crazy busy at work from August to the end of September and things really fell apart for me. I hired C as my freelancer to help on the exhibition be sure now there was so more staff left, which went really well. However, i stopped taking my meds and all of my good habits fell to the wayside.

In August i went back to Canada to photograph my uncle's wedding WITH COVID. My mum insisted that i travel even though I was sick and then didn't let me stay home for the wedding, because they had asked me to photograph it. It was really uncomfortable, but they were happy i got their wedding photos. Although, i still have not found time to edit and send them. Ugh.

In September i completed a 75 mile (100+ km) ride, meeting my goal of doing a century, but it wasn't to the bridge! i did it alone and it made me super depressed during and after the ride. I'm still evaluating what i want my relationship with cycling to be now, cause long rides by myself aren't really conducive to good feelings for me rn.

when the show at work opened in October, i went to J's parents' house for a Canadian thanksgiving/harvest feast weekend, met their dog, sister, and parents, and had ANOTHER meltdown. They told me they were dating someone--and it was incredibly upsetting, but i didn't know how to bring up my feelings about this. After my month off meds, i was a mess again. After this weekend though, i opened up to many more people because I felt like I needed to extend my support network.

I came out as trans to all my friends and close coworkers (mostly now former coworkers) in the city, let them know I use gender neutral pronouns, that I enjoy my nicknames, and that I was beginning HRT. I went to the pharmacy and got my prescription filled even though I had to pay out of pocket. I started testosterone on October 14th!! I cannot overstate how incredibly important this was to me. It felt like the most meaningful thing I've done for myself in my life. Coming out to people who i knew were safe helped me feel closer to them, and almost everyone was amazingly supportive about hrt.

In October i ALSO officiated my best friends' wedding. It was incredible, and really one of the best days of my life. Everyone in attendance was lovely. My speech and their vows went swimmingly. Everyone had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves into the early hours of the morning. My friends have the most wonderful community of people around them and I'm so glad I'm a part of their lives.

In November I got a new psychiatrist after my old one left the practice. She's ok, and urged me to get a primary care doc to begin keeping track of my blood work, so I'm building momentum for care in the new year. I scheduled an appt with a PCP at a queer-focused clinic in January. after a real scheduling snafu i got a follow up appointment for HRT in mid-December. I ended up missing two weeks of T because of this, which triggered a massive horrible period the day after my birthday. I missed two days of birthday celebrations, but the night out i did have with friends was pretty fun. Idk, i have mixed feelings about it.

things came to a head with J a couple weeks ago where they asked if I had romantic feelings for them, and when i affirmed that, they rejected me before i could say i didn't want to discuss it cause I couldn't handle the rejection in a healthy way. We haven't spoken since and I've been in a pretty bad place despite sticking to meds. However, I've been working through this stuff with my therapist since the incident in October and idk... learning about how fucked up i am is tough. I'm really sad about it all and still figuring out how to move forward.

I also tried to go to Canada for Christmas and couldn't because of the blizzard in buffalo, so I spent the holidays in my house again. at least my mum wasn't here this time.

I've been a little suicidal over the last couple of weeks even though I'm on meds, and only skipped a day recently. I skipped a few days right after the stuff with J happened and ended up going into withdrawal pretty bad, so I learned that lesson. So idk. I'm still trying to muddle through.

To end on a positive note, this morning i noticed that the hair around my belly button, the kind that like makes you the line down the centre of your torso, is getting darker. I feel a little bit scared but also excited. I love a lil bit of tummy fuzz and find it endearing that i can have some for myself. I've also gotten a bit more muscular just from the furniture lifting I do at work, and a few weeks ago I did planks for the first time without any shoulder pain since I injured it in 2012. I've picked a gym in my neighborhood to sign up for when i can get motivated to leave the house and return to strength training. One of the best things about being on T so far has been that it has virtually erased my chronic low body temp and reynauds symptoms, and is supposed to help alleviate my anemia, easy bruising, and PMS/PMDD (which have all been weakened but not yet eliminated). Like all this shit I've been told just sucks and I have to deal with is just disappearing. So eventually i can just be like, a person without symptoms of these conditions?!

Also, Fred and George are sliving. I found shelves on the street for them to climb way up high, and I started feeding the birds and squirrels from the windowsill. They love bouncing around the room and watching the backyard happenings.

I'm not sure I'm hopeful about the future yet cause things are still really hard, but I'm at least learning how to begin living on my own terms.

Fred

George

[j-graysonlibrary]

Heartbeats; Paradise Chapter 11

Title: Heartbeats; Paradise

Author: Jay Grayson

Word Count: 112K

Genres: Psychological thriller, drama, sci-fi, LGBT+

Available on: Kobo and my website

Synopsis: Melvin Hardy and Kade Axel appear to be a match made in heaven. After a meet-cute in the rain, the two quickly find themselves in a burgeoning, wholesome relationship.

Yet, things feel…off. It isn’t the ghosts of their pasts that resurface to test the strength of their partnership—no—it’s something nebulous. Something indescribable. Melvin can’t put his finger on it but, the more time he spends with Kade, the more he starts to wonder what’s real and what’s pure fiction. 

Full chapter 11 under the cut:

Chapter Eleven:

I wish I could run into Bree by accident. Her strange behavior from the other night still eats at me but I haven’t been able to see or speak to her since. I’ve sent a text while at work but the reception is so bad in my office that it never goes through and each time I mention her to Kade, he tells me that she’s busy and that’s why she hasn’t been around.

It’s not just her though. I haven’t heard anything about Nate either and I’ve only seen Starla once, very shortly, when picking Kade up from work.

Hugo is still replying only in short form when I’m in the office and everyone continues to act like soulless zombies when I try to interact with them.

Really, the only person I’ve spent any significant time with is Kade. While I can’t complain about that, I do wish we could have some sort of get together or hang out with our friends. As wonderful as a world with just Kade is, I am finding it a little lonely.

I can’t relay this to Kade. Not only do I not want to upset him by insinuating that his company isn’t enough for me, I also can’t—physically. I’ve tried to bring it up a few times but each attempt has ended with us talking about something else entirely.

Or having sex.

We’ve had so much sex I start to worry about chaffing.

My hand clasps Kade’s as we walk side by side in the downtown area. There is a fountain in the middle of some older storefronts and a few other couples walk around, holding hands and chatting happily. I catch a few of their eyes and smile as we pass by.

Kade squeezes my hand and laces our fingers together. He’s humming and his eyes shine with wonder as he looks around at all the different stores.

I wait for him to pick a destination and watch him with a relaxed smile. A pleasant buzz invades my head and nearly matches the tone of my boyfriend’s content humming. I start to sway our hands and, the more dramatic I become with the motion, the more Kade starts to grin.

“What?” he says first as he glances up at me.

“What?” I respond in kind but I can’t keep my smile from growing.

“You’re the one staring at me,” Kade points out and pokes me in the chest.

“I can’t help it,” I decide on the cheesy route and say, “You’re so beautiful I have no other choice.”

His face flushes and he responds with a pout. “Don’t tease me. Not in front of all these people.”

“I’m not teasing.” I’m really not—though it is fun to make him blush. I try to reserve that kind of thought for when we’re alone though. “You really are gorgeous. I always find myself blown away by the fact you chose me.”

“Well, why wouldn’t I?” Kade asks and steps in front of me. Our hands remain interlocked and he grabs my free hand to hold it too. With a slight sway, he continues, “You’re the most handsome, most caring, and most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’m the one that’s lucky to have you.”

I intend to argue but I already know where that leads. To us going back and forth, indefinitely, over who’s really the lucky one between us. And neither of us would ever concede.

“Aren’t you just the sweetest,” I say instead and lean down to kiss him. Amidst the other couples I doubt we stick out too terribly.

When I pull back I’m gifted with that beautiful face and those captivating eyes. I almost go for another kiss but I fear if I do then the date will skip to the end too quickly.

“Where do you wanna go?” I ask and glance around the square.

Kade hums in thought and follows my lead, checking each of the stores. “Nate says there’s a boutique here with some nice clothes. I could use some retail therapy.”

I laugh breathily and then nod. I wouldn’t mind a little Kade fashion show myself and I have the means to buy whatever his heart desires.

We pass the fountain and a couple who are a little too unaware they’re in public with the way they kiss. I pry my eyes away and turn to the shop instead. I hold the door open for my boyfriend and he bows dramatically to thank me for the gesture, laughing all the while.

The clothes in the boutique aren’t my style at all but Kade seems taken by the selection right away. He runs from one mannequin to the next, admiring their outfits and wondering aloud where the pieces are in the store. I help him find some of them and he takes his favorites with the promise of showing me how they look on him. I catch the suggestive wink and a shot of adrenaline races through me.

I doubt we can get away with doing anything in a changing room but the idea is certainly dangerous and more than a little sexy.

But I don’t try to follow him back immediately. I take a seat by the curtain and I cross my legs in anticipation.

Kade takes his time and, when he does walk out, he’s put together an entirely new look with his hair tied up in a bun and everything.

He’s wearing an outfit that wouldn’t look out of place in Nate’s closet and I can see why the man sings the praises of the boutique. But the fit is becoming on Kade and I can’t even decide where to focus my attention. His collar bone is showing with the deep swoop of the neckline and his stomach is peeking out but only when he moves his arms in a certain way. The pants are looser but they hug his hips and I can follow the curves of his body fairly well with my eyes. The boots are cute too and have a heel on them that make him a few inches taller so I wouldn’t have to lean so far down to kiss him.

He turns from side to side, showing off all the details and designs on the shirt in particular. It has clashing patterns and it definitely keeps my eyes busy.

“What do you think?” he asks and lifts a foot up as he giggles.

“Adorable.” I smile and give him a small clap in appreciation. “I don’t know how you’re not a model.”

Kade rolls his eyes. “Oh, stop it,” he says but he’s smiling though.

When he retreats behind the curtain again, I prepare myself for a long wait. I check my phone but there are no messages or notifications. I have no one to text anyway so I put it back in my pocket.

“Melvin…?”

The sudden use of my name by someone other than Kade sends me to my feet. I turn around to see none other than Gladis walking toward me. She’s got a dress thrown over her arm and she looks as surprised to see me as I feel to see her. This boutique isn’t exactly her style so I’m not sure what she’s doing here.

“Gladis.” I gape and fight for what to say so I decide to just speak my mind, “What are you doing here?”

“Shopping,” she responds with irritation clear in her voice. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m on a date.”

“Oh. With your new flame?” She puts her hand on her hip and regards me with what I read as doubt. As if I’m lying or, worse, she doesn’t believe my relationship with Kade is worth anything.

“My boyfriend, yes,” I clarify with my eyes narrowed.

Gladis flicks her eyes over to the changing room and then back to me. “I can’t wait to see what kind of guy you’ve settled down with.”

I’m not sure why she’s acting so antagonistic but I don’t have a moment to digest it since Kade steps out in his new outfit. It’s a charming button up with suspenders and a bowtie. He has his hair back down, falling past his shoulders in a loose but beautiful mess.

“Mel?” Kade notices instantly that something is wrong and he gets a good look at Gladis. “Who is this?”

“I’m the ex,” Gladis introduces herself before I can even open my mouth. “The name’s Gladis Rose, sweetheart.”

I watch Kade’s face tense and he doesn’t smile but he does reply, “I’m Kade Axel. You’re not here to see Mel, are you?”

“Oh no,” she says and waves him off, dismissing the, apparently, ridiculous idea. “I just happened upon him. We’ve been over and done with for a time.”

“You’re older than I expected,” Kade responds and I’m surprised by his bluntness.

Gladis scoffs and shakes her head. “And you’re not as prim and innocent as Melvin let on. With how he spoke of you, I expected a bashful little mouse who couldn’t look me in the eye.”

Kade looks away from her but only to stare at me. “What all did you say about me?”

Again, Gladis doesn’t let me speak. “He bragged to me how pure and vanilla your sex life is. Unlike my dark-sided, kinky self.”

“Melvin!?” Kade yells and I flinch.

“I did not say anything like that,” I try to defend myself. While I might have mentioned to Gladis that Kade and I were above her type of perversion, I never gave details. Though I worry, with emotions so high, he won’t believe me.

“May as well have.” She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “And, as I recall correctly, you used to like my kind of sex. Sure kept coming back to my house, didn’t you?”

“Shut up!” I yell without being able to hold it back any longer.

“What is she talking about…?” Kade mutters and Gladis smirks as if this is all she came over to do.

Now that her goal is accomplished, she waves with her fingers and tilts her head to the side. “See you next year, Melvin. I’m sure you’ll be single again by then.”

She walks out of the store and I feel my gut twist as Kade stares at me. He’s hurt—he doesn’t have to tell me for me to know it. And I don’t know how to fix it.

“I’ll buy whatever you want…then we can go home,” I say with no enthusiasm.

“I don’t want anything anymore,” Kade murmurs, “I’ll get changed.”

The trip back to the apartment is silent and even my mind has difficulty forming thoughts. I want to prepare something to say—something to combat Gladis’ words but I keep coming up blank. And Kade’s disappointed yet concerned stare does nothing to help.

I keep my head down as I walk into the bedroom,  expecting to be scolded.

“Melvin,” Kade says my name and it’s enough to send me to the edge.

So badly do I want his forgiveness—his understanding—that I fall to my knees and cling to his waist. It keeps me close to him but also keeps me from having to look him in the eye.

“I know that you’re upset,” I try to get ahead of him, “So, if it makes you feel better, maybe you should punish me. Do whatever you want—I can take it.”

Kade’s hands unclasp my grip and he moves his left hand to my face, forcing me to look up at him. He isn’t mad—I don’t think—but his eyes are full of unshed tears.

“You’re like this because of her, aren’t you?” His brows pinch together. “How old were you when you met her? What did she make you do? What terrible things did she make you associate with love?”

I realize, all at once, that Kade isn’t upset with me—he’s upset for me. My heart still pounds like crazy but I don’t feel like I could pass out at any moment anymore.

“I was fifteen when I met Gladis. She was a friend of my mother’s…” I gulp as I retell the story but the memories that come with my words are all blurry and hard to make out.

“I’m so sorry, Melvin,” Kade says and sinks down on his knees to meet me, face to face. He brushes back my hair and cradles my face in his hands while he sheds tears for my sake. “But you never have to worry about doing anything like that again. I’ll never make you beg for my love or punish you for my enjoyment. I’m not that kind of person.”

“I know,” I say though I want to take his line from when I comforted him about Oswald. When he said that it was okay that I did the same things because I’m me. I, too, think that—so long as it’s Kade—I’m okay with being slapped and choked. But I can’t get the words out.

I claim his lips with my own and I taste the love he has for me in the salt of his tears. For him to cry over me is proof that he truly cares and doesn’t blame me, at all, for what happened with Gladis. I may even be absolved of my crimes from the other day—of hiding these things from him.

We don’t take the extra step to get up and move to the bed. Instead, we fall to the floor right beside it. Kade lays over the top of me and deepens our kiss, filling me with a desire that clears my head rather than muddling it further.

I wait for a natural break in the kiss, when both of us take a second to catch our breaths. “Wait, Kade,” I say and run my fingers through his silky, blonde hair.

He presses his lips against mine, teasing a kiss but not quite committing to it. His eyes flutter up to mine. “Yes?”

“Why don’t you top this time?” It’s more direct than I’d usually say but I don’t want him to misconstrue and I don’t want the moment to pass us by.

It’s the best time for it, I feel, as Kade can fully claim me as his. We can be our firsts in this regard as well and have something between us that no one else can take away.

Plus, I really want to.

Kade looks at me for a long moment though it probably just feels long. He takes my glasses from my face and places them up on the bed where they can’t be crushed by accident. He doesn’t appear put out by my request and even keeps a smile firmly in place.

“Whatever you want, Melvin.”

He starts to unbutton my shirt and my chest constricts in both excitement and nervousness. I really don’t know what to expect but I am eager to find out. I trust that Kade will take care of me and I want to be able to be this vulnerable with him.

When we’re nude, Kade straddles my lap and looks down at me with an angelic glow around him. I hold his hand and give him a light squeeze, letting him know, without saying anything, that I’m ready.

Then Kade sits on me.

Even he looks confused.

I thought we were on the same page but, maybe, I didn’t word things clearly enough. He adjusts himself and begins to move against me at a slow, easy pace. His eyes move away from me and I see both his brow and his lips twitch.

“You okay?” I ask though I really want to ask what happened.

Kade nods but still doesn’t look at me. “I’m good…” He holds onto my hand tighter and finally twists his head back so I can see his face. My heart seizes—he looks like he’s about to cry again. But all he says is, “I love you.”

I try to ask what’s the matter.

I try to ask what went wrong.

But when I open my mouth I respond, “I love you more.”

[karaokegal]

Roxy Music 50th Anniversary Concert. Chase Center. September 26, 2022

This will be cross-posted to both Facebook and LJ.

I could write a straight-up review. Tell you I had the usual mixture of anticipation to see and hear Bryan, but also the fear and anxiety that it wouldn’t be everything I wanted, that something would go wrong, that my “date” wouldn’t be as into it as I was. Or just the fact that I always build up such a head of steam that nothing could ever be quite enough, but that just seeing Bryan Ferry is an amazing experience.

So for the “just the facts, maam” bit, The Chase Center was the closest to my front door venue since the Warfield on the Frantic tour back in 2002. Following a lovely light dinner at Limon, Lord David and I were able to hop the 22 Fillmore and be dropped off directly in front of the venue. Lord David was if possible, more into some parts of the early Roxy repertoire that I was. (The Bogus Man has never been my favorite song.) They hit all the expected high-lights starting with Re-Make, ReModel and finishing with Do The Strand. I was surprised and a little disappointed not to get Virginia Plain or Jealous Guy as the penultimate songs and disappointed, but not at all surprised that we didn’t get Street Life or Same Old Scene. (I’m sure the feeling is that Dance Away sort of makes Same Old Scene superfluous, ditto Editions of You for Street life.)

It was a thril to see Andy McKay and Phil Manzanera rocking out, taking solos and getting the crowd’s adoration. Bryan’s usual sax player on his solo tours, Jorja Chalmers was also present, but if she was giving Andy any back-up, it was unobtrusive. The Great Paul Thompson on drums with (look up) as a secondary percussionist gave us a pretty good roar, although not quite the power of the High Road Tour (at least as it came across on the VHS that I nearly killed myself to get on a rainy night in Totawa, NJ in 1983 or so. I’m not sure the guard rail I hit on Route 46 ever recovered.)

The vibe at the Chase Center was very much a love fest for the band and their history, even though it was a huge venue compared to every other place I’ve seen Bryan or Roxy. The 2000 Reunion tour played the freakin’ Concord Pavilion.

The seats weren’t terrible by stadium standards and the screens gave us access to close-ups of Bryan, Phil and Andy at key moments along with various imagery including older videos, animations, clips of relevant old movies and just an approximation of an older light. Not as intensely done as the ones in the Bowie documentary, “Moonage Daydream,” which I saw four days afterwards. Very effective during my personal highlight, “In Every Dream Home A Heartache,” which mixed and matched the creepy clips with the close-ups of Bryan singing and you could really feel the tension building up until the big audience participation release of “But you blew my mind!” (Slight quibble: note to all montagists going for creepy, can we have a moratorium on Un Chien Andalou? If I have to see that blade going for the eyeball one more time… It’s like using the opening of “Gimme shelter” to say “something bad is about to happen. Yeah, I get it!)

In terms of pacing, I’d have cut the LONG solos on Tara and My Only Love (Sorry Phil and Andy) which just felt like filler, but may also have a chance for rest of the band or the lead singer to lay out a bit. Which brings us to….

So, the Main Thing. The reason I go to these concerts, the man I bombard all my social media with pictures of, the guy I’ve have this yearning, burning, burning feeling inside (no cranberry juice jokes, please) for all these years.

Mr. Bryan Ferry CBE.

I love him with every fiber of my fangirl being. He’s still a great singer and a great showman. The charm and presence are still there. However, the man is now 77 (as of Monday) and he no longer looks like the pictures I post and the voice is not the same either. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s great….and sometimes it’s just sad. During particular songs, Fonzi Thornton and the two female back-ups are doing a lot of work to make up for the sound (especially on the songs from Avalon and “My Only Love.”) The only time I felt it was really hard for Bryan to sing and for me to listen to was “To Turn You On,” where his voice was barely audible and I felt like it was pitched way too low, compared to the original.

This is where my musings turned to late period Sinatra and how much this presentation was a deliberate choice by Mr. Ferry, who is known for many things, but not being an especially spontaneous performer. For example, he made one reference to it being his birthday, but there was no break for a mass sing of Happy Birthday or anything. On one hand, it was the next to last show of the US leg of the tour and they’d played a lot of back-to-back dates across North America, so it’s possible his voice was just that tired and he just decided to roll with it. But keeping the song in a lower key and not having the back-up singers sweetening the mix struck me as very deliberate.

“To Turn You On” isn’t a ballad, but it is a gorgeous mid-tempo song of longing and passion, both to the human subject that Bryan might be addressing and to the city of New York, as it might have been romanticized by Bryan growing up in 50’s England (clips of Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse from the Dancing In The Dark number from The Bandwagon) and the New York of the late 70’s/early 80’s with all the decadence and glamor that would entail. It’s not impossible to imagine the same Sinatra who released Trilogy in 1980 and recorded “A Man Alone” with lyrics by Rod McKuen in 1969, giving it a go.

(I’m not going to get into a “Golden Throats” argument about the merits of Sinatra and others of that era taking on the works of the rock-era singer-songwriters. Perry Como’s “And I Love Her So” speaks for itself.)

Frank Sinatra was 63 when I saw him at Carnegie Hall on June 14, 1980. New York, New York was a huge hit, Trilogy was on the Album charts, and the energy in the room was amazing. I was 15. I had no idea who Bryan Ferry was, but I was heavily in love with Frank Sinatra. (This is where a whole other essay is in the making.) My father took me to the show, and it stands as one of the most amazing live performance experiences of my life.

Mr. Sinatra was still very much the Chairman of the Board, but the voice was not that of the Big Band era, or the Capital Years or even the mid-60's. It was the voice of a man who had (as a song he apparently didn’t particularly like the lyrics of said) “lived a life that’s full.” It was the voice of a smoker and a drinker, but it didn’t matter. He had the showmanship, the technique, the passion. If he never wanted to hear or sing My Way again, none of it came through in the performance, and when he did “New York, New York” as the encore, you expected the actual roof to come off. The excitement, the connection between performer and audience, the love and the willingness of Mr. Sinatra to be vocally vulnerable on some of the ballads, such as “Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry,” was a reminder of why he had been the bobbysoxer’s heart throb of the 40’s before assuming the brash persona of the later eras.

It was the only time I saw him live. He went on performing until 1995. Clips I’ve heard from later concerts underscore the same points. A diminished instrument, but a consummate professional in control of everything to the extent that the diminishment is part of the performance and I believe there’s an element of this is in Bryan’s performances now. Hence, I’m willing to wager that the way I heard “To Turn You On” on Monday night is precisely what Mr. Ferry had in mind.

Especially because from there on Bryan’s voice sounded fine (possibly with the assistance of the back-up team) and the energy kicked into overdrive with “Dance Away,” “More Than This,” “Avalon,” Love Is The Drug,” “Editions of You,” and “Do The Strand.” All superbly done and as satisfying and ending to the evening as could be imagined. (I never really saw the point of ending with “Jealous Guy.”)

If he chooses to call it quits after this and I don’t get to see him live again, I’ll be ok with it. On the other hand, if he does another solo tour (and it doesn’t require getting to Bum Fuck Egypt a/k/a Saratoga) I’m there….while my heart is still beating.

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[wolfsbane-if]

I love this update.

I tend to play with a single MC and enjoy the experience, then go back and deviate to explore other routes. I feel more connected to the characters knowing the whole picture, even in options my MC would never choose. That said, I've only just milled about a few different alternatives for this chapter so far, but I couldn't wait to express my thoughts. (omg, this is so long-I'd apologize, but I suppose that's null if I'm gonna do it anyways)

Garamond. Oh. My. Gracious. In my playthrough after turning the MC, he's upset, but he's...."okay". In another route, Gary is distraught. Like, I feel terrible for the amount of guilt this guy is carrying. My question here-is this difference in dialog only? Is Gary this remorseful regardless of their outward expression of it? Writing it down, it doesn't feel like a very important question, but I guess I'm just looking to make this guy feel better. 😭

On another note, I played Harlow's route too...and I just can't get into it. They are well written, I like and feel for the character, but I can never bring myself to choose them over Garamond. I did however, choose to be turned by them in hopes that it would benefit the MCs relationship with Garamond. Gary is put off about turning the MC. Plus, why have the same strengths when you can vary your arsenal, so to speak. Is there any merit to that line of thinking for the future?

I hope you got something for yourself out of all those words. I appreciate your time, both for Wolfsbane and for long asks. Lastly, you are awesome. Please accept these gifts. 😁 - 🦴🪶

Thank you very much! I'm so happy you enjoyed the update~ And no need to apologise for a long message, I appreciate that you enjoy the work enough to be willing to dedicate the time to writing so many words ^^

I think it's understandable that you (and likely many others) would feel more drawn to Garamond considering they and the MC have a strong pre-existing bond already, but I'm pleased to know that you appreciate Harlow as a character regardless! I also want to state on the record that the game has no variable for tracking any sort of relationship stat, so you're free to make whichever choices appeal to you most without having to worry about seriously impacting your standing with a companion for good or ill.

The choice of werewolf or vampire results in Garamond tackling very different, albeit still very difficult, emotions. I'd say that, in general, they probably adapt to the vampire route a bit more easily, whereas if they've turned the MC themself, they're going to be grappling with those feelings for some time yet. They've spent a very long time being hyper vigilant about not turning anyone, so it's a huge adjustment for them to make. The MC's choice of dialogue after the fact within either given route has less of an impact on Garamond's emotions, though. Their feelings are largely consistent within each route regardless of how the MC responds, even if they express themself differently as a result of the MC's words.

While I would encourage you to pick whichever choices are most appealing to you personally - especially when it comes to which kind of supernatural your MC becomes - if your sole goal is to be closer to Garamond, it would probably be better to go werewolf. While it's true that Garamond has a lot of complicated emotions to process with regards to turning the MC, it also provides a very potent common ground and affords the opportunity for further bonding as they guide the MC on how to adapt to the change moving forward. Being able to help a werewolf through their first shift is also extremely meaningful - almost sacred - in werewolf society, so it's something that they cherish despite the difficult memories associated with it.

I hope my response has been helpful, and that you have fun exploring more of the update! Thank you for the gifts ^^

But again, neither choice will help or harm your relationship with a specific character significantly and both are equally valid, so you're free to pick whichever you like. Garamond will still be by your side regardless. As for diversifying your team's skill set, that's probably not something you need to be concerned with seeing as Harlow is also present and you'll end up with either two vampires or two werewolves regardless.

[ontheoddoccasioniwritestuff]

Mystery Writer (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Summary: Spencer finds books at a second hand bookstore that are annotated and he falls the person writing the notes. 

AN: This was part of a fic swap on @imagining-in-the-margins​ server! This is for the marvellous @definitelynotkatesblog​ <3 I really hope you like it! I had to delete the original post because it didn't show up in the tags. This will be staying up regardless of that now.

Masterlist

Your name: submit What is this?

“If you need anything, just let me know!”

Spencer pressed his lips together at the person behind the till before heading deeper into the rows of second-hand books. Familiar titles, old and new, printed on spines in various states of pristine/decay, they tempted him to select and bring them home with him. The clear sections between biographies and fiction guided him deeper into the forest, deeper into finding his way out. He was hoping to adopt one such book for a day off, when he could revisit it with a fresh eye. It would be like seeing an old friend again, remembering why they were friends in the first place with a hint of that initial read through from years ago, and perhaps he would learn something new in the process.

A dull ache in his chest at the sight of The Sign of Four by Arthur Conan Doyle. But he had long since recovered from that heartbreak and he would be able to read this story without feeling that again.

Still. It had been several years since he read this book.

His nervous fingers plucked it off the shelf and the pages fell open for him. A flattened gum wrapper parted the pages like the Red Sea. Spencer lifted it out tentatively. Its creases were ironed in from its role as a temporary bookmark, an impression of scribbled black ink flattened after it was made.

Spencer’s eyes scanned over the page in search of what this gum wrapper might have been guarding.

“Women are never to be entirely trusted – not the best of them.”

In the margins was scribbled:

Product of the time, but still a prick, rude smartarse role a bit dull

Spencer found himself exhaling in light laughter. That a lack of empathy was considered “dull” by this person, when it was something he dealt with in his job almost every day. The confidence in this commentary too, this brazen critique of a much beloved fictional character was left for someone else to find.

His gaze found Watson’s opinion of Holmes’ casual sexism: “atrocious sentiment”. It was circled twice in the same black biro.

Spencer dug his thumb against the text block and flicked through the book. A waft of that book smell lifted from the paper, accompanied by the bold notes of the previous owner dotted across the text until he finally landed on the reverse of the front cover. Two letters – initials - were scratched onto it.

It was with bridled exhilaration that Spencer approached the till and held up the book with a half-smile. His hands were quick to place it down on the counter so that the shop assistant could type the price into the till. His mood was apparently palpable because they seemed just as happy as Spencer to hand him back the novel in a brown paper bag – the receipt tucked inside.

 --->--->--->--->--->

 “Love is an emotional thing, and whatever emotional is opposed to what is true, cold reason, which I place above all things. I should never marry myself, lest I bias my judgement.”  

What a lonely existence and also a lie. See: entire relationship w/ Dr. Watson!

Spencer smiled at this comment. Now all the other instances of a double underlining made sense. Each one produced itself in his mind as evidence that Mr Sherlock Holmes did in fact love. Maybe not marry, but it would have been terribly unconventional for him to wed Doctor John Watson. The unknown author seemed to understand this. They never emphasised if this love was platonic or romantic. But the way in which they proved love existed within this character oft portrayed as emotionless, Spencer simply adored. They were a romantic reader, who still enjoyed reading about the cynic

He grew quite aware of his posture in that moment and he straightened his back. A few clicks of complaint emitted as he stretched, his head twisting from side to side. Screwing his eyes open and shut behind his glasses, he revisited your deduction.

On the dot of the “i” in “lie”, there was a sprinkle of graphite around the indent from where a pencil’s lead had snapped from the effort put into topping off this point. A sprinkle of graphite smudged where the pages pressed together.

Spencer moved on to where a sentence in black biro tried to blend in with the printed words. A memory appeared at the front of his mind: when Rossi was bewildered to learn Spencer and Dr. Alex Blake wrote the newspaper crossword in pen.

The pencil markings were like mini brainstorms, something to revisit and make a solid theory with the black biro. But the planning was never rubbed out.

Little quotes were circled. This mystery critic spent half the book roasting the characters and the other half leaving little exclamation marks and circles around phrases and words when they couldn’t think of something to say. Spencer found it sweet, picturing the thrilling unfolding of events for the reader to revisit.

His heart ached in bittersweet memory as he recalled the contents of Dr Alex Blake’s book The Route of Linguistics. It was necessary pain to create a profile of who this mystery critic was. Yes, he was profiling out of work hours. His evenings were now spent trying to picture the voice behind the notes. The sarcasm, the witty blows to the character’s and author’s ego. He almost wished that he couldn’t read so fast because he finished the book, even with its additional notations, all too quickly. But there was one bonus.

Spencer traced the pad of his fingertip over the exclamation marks describing Mary Morstan. What else might a detractor of the great Sherlock Holmes read?

--->--->--->--->---> 

He had returned to the bookshop in favour of adopting another. Yet he could not find one that satisfied his unknown criteria. It was not until he found himself checking the front pages of the fifth book he had selected, that he realised he was looking for a pair of initials.

Sighing, he placed My Dear Bessie, with its empty front page, back on the shelf. The chances of finding another book containing this mystery critic were so minute. He could probably calculate them if he wanted to dedicate himself to such a disheartening statistic. He’d rather not spend his lunch break doing that, as much as he loved statistics. This once, they did not assure his safety and he remained unsupported by the fact that he could not find any other Arthur Conan Doyle books.

His desperation became most apparent when he thought that perhaps fate should just decide for him. If anything, he would come away with a random book to read through in about ten minutes on a flight back home.

He peeked around the corner of the shelves. The shop assistant at the till was busy writing something down, not paying any mind to the shop’s only customer.

“A random shot had no better odds than just picking books off one by one” is what he told himself as he closed his eyes and placed his fingers on the end of the shelf, just over the first book’s spine. In an “S” pattern, his arm moved up and down, over the books and shelves and gaps between units. His feet stepped forwards into the space he knew was clear.

Spencer stopped and opened his eyes, his finger shifting just an inch out of the way of his new book’s title.

Circe. Madeline Miller.

He tapped the top and the book fell forwards, where he caught it. Its shining dust jacket was serving its purpose, a few tears along the edges from where it had protected the hardcover. He checked the front page. A map of Aiaia in orange and brown filled it to the corners. On the next page, his heart stuttered at the sight of two initials in the same handwriting and the same biro. There was also a scribble - invisible to start with then a ball of black.

The first page with the story’s text held a scribble just above its opening line:

the power of the name

“When I was born, the name for what I was did not exist.”

He could see that the first was in a blunt pencil, but the addition was a sharpened point carving into the paper. A secondary thought that was provided after completing the novel, they had added it. Spencer lifted it to his face, his eyes crossing to keep the stipple in focus. The scent of the paper and the graphite reached him easily; the note must have been made just before Circe was gifted to him. How lucky he was to find such a treasure.

The shop assistant was cutting out a new sign for “BUY ONE GET ONE HALF PRICE!”. By the time Spencer made it to them, the sign was placed upon the pile besides him. The shop assistant smoothed out a crease on the dust jacket, ineffectively but Spencer admitted the gesture. He was glad that someone who loved books as much as him got to work in a place like this.

--->--->--->--->--->

Spencer’s mind, definitely for worse, echoed the words off the tabloids around his head the split second he made eye contact with the headlines. He paced the shelves to somewhere a little quieter. When he found the chocolate aisle, he pretended to peruse. Ever half a minute or so, his gaze drifted up to the till area where the shop owner was on a phone call and clearly not paying attention to him.

It was not long before Spencer grew bored of looking at KitKats, and he pulled out One Thousand And One Nights. The book’s pages fell again to page 57. This shop’s receipt stood above them, still holding its place from the previous owner. It felt wrong to part the two.

No new people had entered this corner shop for 8 minutes. He’d even given the time at the receipt’s end a fifteen-minute margin either side. Given that this mystery critic took a break from work at the same time on the same day of the week – and that they worked during the day – he should have seen them. Maybe he had, and they were that man in the baggy hoodie who stunk of weed. Probably not. Hopefully not. Not that Spencer was judging him for his… recreational activities. He just wanted the mystery critic to be someone he could realistically spend time with.

Just then, Spencer’s phone trilled annoyingly loud. He received a glare from the shop manager and Spencer sent an awkward apologetic expression his way before answering JJ quickly.

“Spencer, we’ve got a case. We need you here ASAP.”

His response was immediate. “Ok, be there in ten.” Hanging up, Spencer dithered on the spot then grabbed a packet of Cheetos. He’d been there for nearly twenty minutes; he had to get something.

“Three dollars,” the manager said before returning to his call. But not before he rolled his eyes at Spencer. Spencer dropped the bills onto the counter and dashed out before he could be offered a receipt.

--->--->--->--->---> 

  An outlier in the usual length of case work had passed by in five long days. Spencer hardly ever regretted the time he put into this job. Every unsub caught was lives saved. But the absence of his mystery commentator had been niggling at the back of his busy mind and he was glad to finally reunite with them on this long flight back.

From his satchel, he recovered the copy of One Thousand And One Nights and began rereading the notes to ground himself in the story. His focus lingered on the page as if he were reading it at the average 250 words per minute. It allowed him to block out the humming of the engine.

Spencer did not take his eyes off the page as he pulled open his desk drawer and popped a piece of overpriced gum into his mouth. Half-hearted reminders bounced in his head, from when he tried smoking and chewing gum to ease his cravings. The fruit flavour was very clearly artificial and it faded within six minutes. Why his mystery critic would pick such a pathetic packet of gum to chew, he didn’t know. But hopefully the fact of its flavour disappearing fast would mean they get through the packet quicker and buy another soon. Even if today, and the days before, spent in that shop did not lean in favour of that hypothesis.

--->--->--->--->--->

The Five People You Meet In Heaven was in the Recently Donated pile. It was near the top, slid towards the edge of the container after being placed wonkily on a copy of some sports autobiography.

Within the pages was more than Spencer could have ever hoped for. Entire paragraphs were circled, quotes underlined. A squashed mini post-it note tabbed the page and a whole paragraph was scrawled on it, about Tala. An arrow pointing to the underside, Spencer lifted the flap and saw more to read, like an interactive pop-up book that he’d gotten Henry for his second birthday. Spencer closed his eyes quick and snapped the book shut. He wanted to save it for when he was sitting comfortably, not while he was rushing back to work in time for JJ to get to her lunch break on time.

The shop assistant had just clipped the lid back onto a green highlighter when Spencer drew up to their counter. With careful fingers, he placed the book upon it. There was a twitch of the assistant’s mouth; their eyes brightened. They looked like they wanted to say something, but something else held them back from making the first move. Spencer recognised it from his school days.

“It’s a good read.” He spoke after they had typed the price into the till.

“I know,” The assistant replied instantly, a relieved smile on their lips, “What part are you on?”

“I’ve already read it, but I wanted to revisit the passage at the diner.”

“Ahh, that’s a good bit. One of my favourites.”

Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed a fraction of an inch. His gaze dropped to the nametag on the left side of their chest. Y/N, their name’s first initial. It couldn’t be.

“What did you think about the final person, Tala?”

“Oh,” The shop assistant clutched at their heart, “I was an emotional wreck before and it hit me hard just as the rest did. So bittersweet to hear her forgiveness. It took me a few times to finish reading the end, but it was all worth it.”

He couldn’t be this lucky, to get this many books from the same person and to have them standing in front of him. Spencer didn’t believe in luck.

As he reached across for his new book, he turned over the cover, “Was this yours?”

Twisting their head around to read the publication details, the assistant – Y/N - smiled sheepishly at the initials. “Yes, and I’m glad to see it go to a new home.”

Apparently luck believed in him.

“But,” Spencer felt his brows knit automatically as he looked between the book and their previous owner, “You love it. I-I’ve seen your notes.”

A hand clapped over Y/N’s mouth, “Oh God, you must have. I mean, it wasn’t the intention initially, but I thought they might be a little entertaining for anyone who picks it up to leave them in there.”

“Oh, they were! I’d love to read more of your thoughts. Hear, hear them, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Y/N checked the door to the shop, still shut, and back to Spencer. They dropped their elbows onto the countertop with their chin in their palms. “What did you wanna know?”

From his bag, Spencer procured his – their – copy of The Sign of Four and flicked through the pages. So many places to choose, but he wanted to open with what had introduced him to Y/N’s analysis.

The pair put their heads together, leaning on the counter. Spencer could smell the chewing gum on their breath. Y/N never cut him off, and he never wanted to cut them off. There were little pauses at the end of each of their turns to speak before the other picked up where they had left off. Their voices leapt from secretive whispers to passionate orations of their favourite passages, rebounding evidence and analysis off each other like a bouncy ball. Spencer finally had a voice to put to the sarcasm, the one his mind had conjured long forgotten in the wake of Y/N’s enthusiasm.

The shop’s door swung open. Spencer leapt to attention as an older woman swept in, past the two of them towards the non-fiction section. Y/N adjusted their name tag, their back straight too. The clock behind the till announced that it was now twenty minutes after the end of Spencer’s lunch break.

Running on the rush of his hobby meeting a potential friend, Spencer asked, “Can I get your number? So we can talk more, maybe swap some more books, when you’re not working?”

His luck was still by his side as Y/N wrote out their number on his receipt, written in their infamous black biro.

--->--->--->--->---> 

  Spencer leapt over to the door of his apartment, took a deep breath, and unlocked it. Stood behind where it had been was Y/N and they too were still wearing the uniform from work. Their nametag was still on their polo shirt, the same spot that Spencer wore his FBI tag.

“Can I get you a drink?” He asked the second they made a step inside his abode.

“Tea would be great. Milk and one sugar please.”

And while he was in the kitchen, Y/N rushed over to the bookshelves, their eyes wide to take in Spencer’s collection. “Oh wow! You weren’t joking!” Their finger indicated to a hard cover copy of Mean Time by Carol Ann Duffy, “That’s one of mine. Well, yours now.”

Plucking it from the shelf, they opened it up. Spencer had written his initials beside theirs.

Spencer stuck his head out in the partition, “Ours. If we’re going to be sharing.” Y/N stood on tiptoes, teeming with delight, their hands cradling the book with all the care Spencer could hope for in a fellow reader. Joint custody of their books and their passion? What a dream.

“I just have to write a little more about the epilogue, and I’ll be with you,” Y/N took their place on his couch. A pencil began scribbling away their thoughts onto the last few pages. Their knees were their desk.

Spencer finished brewing and placed the mug in front of Y/N, who mumbled a quick thank you to him. He joined them in writing his final notes. It slowed him down a considerable amount, but he was glad to take things at a casual pace, especially considering the way that Y/N almost broke their pencil as they scrawled out their thoughts for Spencer to hear later.

“Have you thought about the next one you’d like to try?” Spencer asked tentatively. He wasn’t so sure if Y/N would want to be interrupted.

Luckily for him, Y/N paused their stream of consciousness to look back at his books, “Hmm. So much to choose from.”

Stood up, their book left in Spencer’s care. They took a deep breath, closed their eyes and used their forefinger to draw a zigzag over the spines. Spencer felt that he was almost sick with joy.

Y/N stilled their wandering hand and opened their eyes, already drawing out the selected novel, “This one.”

“And what have you chosen for me next time?”

Y/N handed over The Butterfly Lion from their bag, “Ok, I can’t wait any longer, what do you think?”

They sat back on the couch. Their legs now hung over the arm of the couch, elbows either side and face cupped in their palms. The book rested in their lap. Shifting so that he faced them completely, Spencer returned to the first page and his analysis began.

[amysteriousmessenger]

‘It’s A Dangerous Game’ - Saeran Choi x Reader (Nsfw)

It’s here!! I’ve spent the last three days entirely dedicated to this fic, I really really hope you guys enjoy it! It’s an absolute labour of love and I would really appreciate any likes and reblogs on it and kind words! I’m sorry for the slightly odd formatting, tumblr messes with it! - Violet 

If Day 9 of Saeran’s route ended a little differently. - A song fic inspired by the song ‘It’s a Dangerous Game’ from Jekyll and Hyde: A Gothic Musical, I really suggest listening to the song whilst reading this fic! 

Title: It’s a Dangerous Game

Word Count: 4.8k

Rating: 18+

Pairing: Saeran Choi x Reader

 You were sat in your room, occasionally getting up to hear if you could make out any conversations on the other side of the door. It was rather muffled, but you heard Saeran’s name muttered a few times, your stomach starting to churn at the mention of him. You were so conflicted. You had loved Ray, that much was evident. You were still so drawn to Saeran, he was a horror at the start and had treated you with such irredeemable cruelty, but he was changing. His turmoil was so plain to see that even the believers couldn’t stop themselves from gossiping about it. You couldn’t bring yourself to hate Saeran, he was hurting you out of his own pain. He didn’t know what to do with his anguish, so he lashed it out on other people. He needed help, but you could only get him out if the two of you could first get to safety. You could tell he wasn’t ready for such an idea. You knew you needed to run far, far away from Magenta: but you wanted Saeran to come with you. Your cold fingertips grazed over the lovebite he had given you, and you felt an urge to see him. You knew it was wrong to feel like this, but you couldn’t help it. Saeran ignited something in you the same way that Ray had done. It felt different, but you couldn’t deny to yourself that it was there.

 Rika’s words had worried you, it was plain to see she blamed you for Saeran going missing and it was just as clear that she was vengeful because of it. But, to you, the fact that this had happened was evidence enough that he was changing, confused and scared. You checked your phone again, but there were no new messages from him. Instead, you read through the messages from Rika once again, lost in her accusations.

‘_____?’ A nameless voice from the back of your room asked. You knew that voice all too well.

        ‘Saeran?’ You whispered back, trying to keep your voice down to ensure that the believers guarding the outside of your room wouldn’t be alerted.

         ‘You recognized me right away. You weren’t waiting for me, were you?’ He moved closer, but still maintained a tentative distance. You sat up in bed and started to move when he stopped you, ‘No need to get out of bed. Relax. I’m not here to torture you…’ He continued. You had never seen him look so… melancholic. Not even Ray had appeared so beaten down and vulnerable in front of you, even when the two of you had encountered V in the garden.

Saeran held your gaze, ‘I will no longer torment you.’

         ‘How come?’ you found your voice from the back of your throat and questioned him, but he explained that it was something he could not summarise in one word. His mint eyes glanced towards the edge of your bed and you beckoned for him to sit down, sensing that he needed to speak.

‘____, you never gave up on me no matter how much I tormented you. You didn’t let my torture and your wounds crush you. I cursed you dozens of times that your eyes are disgusting because you looked like you know a world completely different from mine. And when I kept looking into your face, it felt like I was losing. I wanted to get closer to you, but I also wanted to avoid you. I wanted to know you better, but at the same time, I wanted to neglect you. Even after I tormented you… it didn’t feel like I beat you. That’s why I felt empty. I felt so empty. So, in the end, I got angrier, and I wanted to torment you even more. You’re gentle, but you never fall down. You rebel, but you don’t return your pain to me.’ His gaze dropped for a moment, ‘You avoided me, but you never gave up on me completely… Even now, you haven’t given up on me.’

Your eyes dropped to the hand that he had rested on top of your bedsheets and you tentatively moved your own towards it, gently placing it on top. He startled for a second, not expecting such intimacy. He was so unused to it, it had always been so denied to him.

‘My darkness is melting away, but you still remain the way you are… How can you stay the same?’

‘I thought you were hurting others because you had been so terribly wounded in the past. I stayed the same because you’re you, regardless of whether you’re Saeran or Ray. I care about you both.’

‘You understood me. I should… thank you for understanding me, shouldn’t I?’ He turned his hand slightly to wrap his fingers around yours, ‘Thank you… for understanding me. All those things I said about you, how you were weak and useless, they’re not true at all. I was the weak one. I said all those cruel things to you because I didn’t want people to know I was so weak. I didn’t want to get hurt.’

‘But you hurt yourself by saying such cruel things, you hurt yourself and Ray.’

‘No matter how hard you tried to guide me to the right path, your words couldn’t reach me. Even now, it’s so difficult to accept myself the way I am. I’m ruined beyond hope. It’s impossible for me to throw away my hatred against the world and start all over again in this little hell, but maybe it’s possible for Ray. Right now, he’s speaking inside me… that maybe, just maybe, if what V said is true, he might be able to see his brother again. And that, if he begs for your forgiveness, and if by any chance you’re able to forgive him, then he’ll make you as happy as best he can, with everything he has. I can hear him now, he’s praying in the corner of my heart that everything will work out well and that he’ll be happy one day. I know nothing but anger. I get angry because I’m scared my hope will turn to despair again-‘

‘I won’t let it, not your hope nor Ray’s. I’ll protect it.’ You cut him off. In the darkness, you heard him swallow and it sounded like he started to choke on his own words a little.

‘We already are one. It’s just that my voice is stronger right now. Both Ray and I are… in this body. The monster that had to torture you to hide how pathetic he’s become is me, and the persistent idiot that doesn’t lose hope no matter how much he’s tormented is also me. If I become good enough to keep you unharmed… we’ll naturally become completely one.’ Saeran turned to you, a tear falling from his eye and landing on the hand which sat between the two of you, ‘I must leave.’

‘Saeran, don’t go.’ You clutched at his hand tighter as he tried to flee. The frailness of his hand worried you, knowing that he never ate enough food. You knew all too well that he had strength in those hands, but also tenderness. Softness.

‘I didn’t want to tell you… that I’m sorry. It feels too late, but I should do it anyway. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you.’ He said, stern but sad.

‘I know you did, but it’s different. You’re different. I know you’re sorry. You’re not the same person who did this. You were so…heavily drugged. You aren’t going to do this again, we both know you aren’t.’

‘But I’m the same person who did that.’ Saeran glanced at your neck, at the lovebite. He used his free hand to touch his hand against the bruise. His pale hand stopped just slightly short of actually reaching your throat. He muttered an apology and began to retract his hand, but you caught it and pulled it to your neck so his fingertips couldn’t deny that the lovebite took place. However, there was still such a slight fear of his touch, given everything that had happened, that you gasped at the feeling of his hand on your neck. The chill of fear wasn’t the only reason for the gasp, but he didn’t realise that and attempted to pull his hand away. You held the cold hand against the warmth of your skin.

‘No, no! It’s okay. You’re okay.’ You assured him. It seemed to work as Saeran began to move his fingers up and down the soft skin of your neck, his eyes falling over your bare shoulders and arms.

‘Ray… said that he wanted to be bolder to you, but he’s too scared. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing right now, but I have the capability of being bolder for him. Do you mind… if I try?’ Saeran didn’t move, but held the intense eye contact once again. You could have gotten lost in those eyes of his, but the racing of your heart and the burning in your gut kept you grounded. You wanted him to bolder, to touch you again, in the way that he’s supposed to.

I feel your fingers -

Cold on my shoulder -

Your chilling touch,

Watching your eyes

As they invade my soul -

‘Of course…’ You breathed out, meeting his gaze with a light dusting of red flushing your cheeks.

‘I can’t be tender in the way that Ray can…’ He trailed off.

‘That’s okay, you don’t need to be Ray for me. You can be Saeran.’ You replied and he seemed convinced by this and you felt as his fingers curled at the back of the neck slightly, bringing you closer to him. He pressed his chapped lips against yours for a moment and you were worried he was going to hear your heart beating so loudly at the contact. Saeran pulled away momentarily to gauge your reaction was a positive one, and then pushed his lips against yours once again with increased intensity. He was rough, that couldn’t be denied. But he wasn’t doing it to hurt you, Saeran just wasn’t as tamed as Ray. Your breath hitched in your throat as he crawled across the bed to be kneeling above you, refusing to break the kiss as he did so. Your arms slide around the back of his neck, working your fingers into his hair as one hand grabbed onto your thigh.

Forbidden pleasures

I'm afraid to make mine.

            He opened your mouth with his own and pushed his tongue inside, causing you to moan. It felt so dangerous, with the believers outside. You knew someone could open the door at any moment and Saeran knew it too. It still felt risky doing such a thing with Saeran after he had been so cruel to you, but you didn’t want to stop. It was so good and you could tell by the way he looked at you, by the way he touched you, that he wasn’t the same person that introduced himself a few days ago.

At the touch of your hand -

At the sound of your voice -

At the moment your eyes meet mine -

I am out of my mind -

I am out of control -

Full of feelings I can't define!

He broke off the kiss first, needing a second to catch his breath. He seemed to be wary of the door opening too and moved off the bed to listen for any voices on the other side of the door. He paused there for a moment, waiting. You missed the connection and the sensation of his body so close, the touch of his lips against yours. An idea popped into your head. You slipped out of bed to grab a chair and handed it to him to slide underneath the door handles so they couldn’t be opened. 

           You also stood with your ear to the door and closed your eyes to concentrate on any slight noise. You couldn’t hear anything except for the thud of your heart and the quiet shift of Saeran’s clothes, which was a relief. Once you were satisfied that no one was outside, you sighed and were about to turn around to look for Saeran. However, before you had the chance to do that, his arms had already snaked their way around your waist and had pulled you close to him with his torso pressing against your back. He muttered your name as he sighed against your ear, placing small kisses along the side of your neck. It took everything you had to not moan in that moment, since you were both so close to the door, and instead you let out a few shaky breaths as he kissed your neck and shoulder with more fervour. 

It's a sin with no name -

Like a hand in a flame -

And our senses proclaim

It's a dangerous game!

           You weren’t sure how far the two of you were going to go, but the heat pooling in your stomach indicated that you didn’t want to stop anytime soon. Evidently, neither did he. Saeran pulled you by the waist and moved you up against the wall so you were facing him once again. His eyes seemed darker, half lidded and needy. Within an instant, his mouth was on yours once again, kissing and pulling at your lips. He let out a very quiet groan as your hands worked their way up his body and onto his shoulders before moving them to grab onto his hair. His started kissing along your jawline and onto your neck again, pausing next to the lovebite he had previously given you and you knew it was bothering him.

           ‘It’s okay. You can keep going.’ You whispered back and the man attached his lips once more to your throat, leaving small purple bruises as he did. Your own hand reached up to smother the moans coming out of your mouth as you got more and more turned on. He kissed every bruise he left, including the original one to change the meaning of it. It was no longer a thing of anguish, he wanted it to be one of affection. 

A strange romance -

Out of a mystery tale -

The frightened princess

Doesn't know what to do!

‘Don’t cover your mouth, I want to hear you.’ Saeran whispered into your neck, giving you goosebumps at the sensation. As though to emphasise his point, he lifted your arms above your head, holding both of your wrists together as he went back into kissing you.

‘Ray wanted to do this to you too…’ He continued, sliding one of his legs between yours as you melted against him.

‘He can. I wouldn’t stop him.’ You practically moaned into his mouth and Saeran broke the kiss suddenly, conflict shadowing his face. You were confused, and a little scared for him for a moment. You were so worried that you had done or said something wrong and almost began to apologise. That was until you felt the source of his conflict pressing hard against your thigh. Saeran lent his head down so his forehead was pressing against your shoulder and sighed. He loosened the grip he had on your wrists in defeat.

‘I should go. This is too much for you.’ He muttered, cursing his body for such a reaction. It wasn’t as though it was entirely unprecedented given how the situation had escalated, but he didn’t want to push too much too soon. He knew he had to be considerate of you and considerate of his previous actions.

‘I don’t want you to go-’ You pleaded, using one hand to cup his cheek and pull him into another kiss, ‘stay with me.’ He nodded, even if he seemed worried about imposing on you in such a way. He had you so painfully turned on and you were glad you had him feeling the same way. It wasn’t too much for you. In that moment, it was exactly what you wanted.

All I know is I'm lost -

And I'm counting the cost -

My emotions are in a spin!

And though no one’s to blame...

It's a crime and a shame!

 When he was on top of you, you could feel his growing erection pressed against his suit trousers. There was a sense of urgency, desperation, about this intimacy and Saeran pushed your dress up over your hips, exposing your dark underwear in the moonlight. You were inexperienced, and oh so willing to let him take the lead with this, but still a little embarrassed and squeaked at the sudden cool air to your thighs. You went to close them but Saeran held them open, moving himself to lodge his torso between them, a smirk you had never seen appearing on his face. 

but it's true all the same

It's a dangerous game!

You watched as his eyes darkened again at your consent and he guided you towards the bed, not being able to keep his hands off of you for even a single moment. They grabbed at your hips, your waist, your thighs. Your legs hit the back of the bed and you fell backwards onto the plush sheets with Saeran falling on top of you. He had taken to biting at your lips as one of his hands slipped underneath the hem of your black dress, squeezing at your upper thigh and making you shiver. You couldn’t help but moan each time he touched you somewhere new, and you nearly whined when his body left yours to take off his black blazer and tie. There was something about the way that he yanked his tie down to loosen it which made your legs shake slightly in anticipation. He didn’t take the time to fold them, instead leaving them discarded on the floor. They weren’t what was important right now.                        

‘Do you want to undo your dress? If I have to do it, I’d rather just rip it.’ He said, cocking an eyebrow. You complied and undid the zip down the side of the dress and pulled it off from above your head, wanting to spare the fabric. You hadn’t even thrown the dress on the floor before Saeran was grabbing for your chest with one hand and trying to undo his shirt with the other. His plan wasn’t exactly working, so you reached out your hands to unbutton his shirt for him. You felt so… naked under his intense gaze as he didn’t take his eyes off you as you undressed his pulling his shirt from his arms. His cold gaze followed your fingertips as they trace along the outline of his body, the weak body he hated so much, touching along the many scars he had. You couldn’t help but look in horror at the new ones from the ‘cleansing’ he was put through in order to destroy Ray. There were so many, they were so deep. Some of them had been bandaged haphazardly and disinfected, probably by Ray whilst others were barely starting to scab over. He must have seen your expression drop because he put his hand under your chin to make you meet his gaze.

‘You don’t need to worry about those. I’m okay now.’ He pulled you in to another kiss as he reached around to undo your bra, you were thankful that he decided to not rip it, and the lovebites began moving down your chest as he grabbed at your breasts. You gasped against him, unable to contain how good his hands were already making you feel. You didn’t need to find words to convey it, your body was already acting on its own. Wanting him, needing him. 

‘I’ll ask one more time, are you sure about this? I don’t think I can love you in the same way that Ray can. I won’t hurt you on purpose, but I can’t promise I can do wha-’ Saeran started.

           ‘I’m sure. You’ve already said that both you and Ray are one. You don’t need to love me in the same that Ray would, because you’re Saeran. I trust… Saeran too.’ You touched the side of his face and he planted rough kisses down your body, placing one into the hem of your underwear before he pulled them down and off your legs. He positioned himself between your thighs, his rough hands grabbing and kissing at them, adding the occasional bite. You couldn’t deny that you loved the teasing, but you needed something more, you craved to be touched properly. His mouth found itself on your hipbone, sucking hard to form another purple bruise before trailing his tongue across to between your thighs, finally giving you the sensation you desired. 

           ‘Sa-Saeran…’ Your breath choked in your throat as his tongue brushed against every intimate part of you. He hasn’t tentative, but bold and rough. He licked and sucked until he found out what made you moan the most, savouring the fact that he could make your thighs shake to such an extent that he had to hold them in a hard grip to keep them steady. His soft tongue was rough, but never forceful. It was eager, determined to please for both parties. You were embarrassed to look, but when you glanced your eyes down at him his powerful gaze was holding your own, deciphering every reaction you made. The intensity in his cool eyes caused the knot that had been slowly forming in your stomach to begin tightening more and more, to the point where his hands were the only thing keeping you from subconsciously squeezing your thighs around his head. You threw your hands into his bleached hair, unable to help yourself from needing something to hold onto.

              ‘Does the Princess like that?’ He asked, biting onto your thigh and catching his breath. All you could manage in response was a moan and a few whimpers, silently begging him.

 No one speaks -

Not one word -

But the words are in our eyes

Saeran was also getting painfully hard from watching the reaction he had on you, how good he could make you feel with his mouth. He had never liked his body, but he, at a base level, at least appreciated that he was capable of bringing you such pleasure, even if it had to come at the price of first causing you such pain. He felt the tip of his erection leaking pre-cum uncomfortably into his tight boxers and deprived you of his tongue in order to free himself from the now restrictive trousers. 

‘You’ll like this more.’ He knelt up on the bed, looming over you. The room was so dark, the moonlight providing the only illumination against his icy eyes and smirk. He wiped the wetness from his jaw and used the same hand to circle the head of his dick, spreading the pre-cum along his shaft. You clenched your thighs at the sight in absolute yearning. 

‘Tell me that you want it, Princess.’ He edged closer to you, moving all the way up so that he was practically in your face. He hovered above you on his hands and legs, and you felt his erection touch the side of your leg. You were so desperate to be close to him once again, you swallowed.

‘I want…it.’ You whispered and you blushed and averted your gaze from his in embarrassment.

At the touch of your hand -

‘Say it again.’ Once again, he moved your head so you couldn’t look away from him.

At the sound of your voice -

‘I want it… Saeran.’ Your voice trailed off as you felt him reach down to adjust himself, lining up his tip with your entrance. 

At the moment your eyes meet mine -

            The both of you let out broken groans as he pushed himself into you.

‘Ah, you’re… fucking tight.’ You opened your eyes to see him with his eyes squeezed shut in a mixture of pleasure and concentration. For a moment, you were so lost in the feeling of being so utterly filled by him. He had already felt so good just going in that the idea of him finally moving inside you was nearly enough to make your eyes roll into the back of your head. He waited until you felt comfortable enough for him to move before setting a rough rhythm. This time, Saeran did have to muffle your mouth to smother your moans. Of course, he made sure not to hurt you in the process. It fuelled his confidence to know he was fucking you that good, but this was not the time to get caught by another believer. He kept his gaze on your face, watching as you closed your eyes and a new wave of pleasure washed over you with every hard thrust of his hips. Occasionally, he dipped his head to bite at your collarbones or groan out a curse in your ear.

I am out of control -

Fighting feelings I can't define!

 I am out of my mind -

It's a sin with no name -

No remorse and no shame -

           Saeran continued to thrust into you, hitting you and new and deeper angles each couple of minutes so the sensations always felt different. His pace was merciless and you didn’t have an opportunity to think between every new snap of his hips. That knot in your stomach was almost unbearably tight and threatened to snap at any moment. Part of you didn’t want it to, because you didn’t want the moment to end. 

           Your arms grabbed along his back, unable to help but claw lightly at the damp skin. Even in your delirium, you made an effort to avoid any of his injuries. The last thing you wanted to cause Saeran was more pain. Eventually, he had to remove the hand from your mouth in order to support himself better. It was clear that he was also reaching his limit as he panted in the crook of your neck, his thrusts getting even rougher and more vigorous than they had been at the start.

And the angels proclaim

It's a dangerous game!

           Suddenly, and without enough time to warn Saeran, the knot snapped and you orgasmed within him still slamming into you.

‘God!’ you cried, and you truly could have thanked God for the man between your legs right now, ‘S-Saeran, a-ah!’ You choked out between slam, your mind numb to absolutely everything other than the overwhelming pleasure he had brought you. He couldn’t handle the feelings of your walls clenching so aggressively around his cock and almost immediately climaxed at the same time, with barely enough of thought to pull out before he ejaculated. He managed to do it, finishing down the side of your inner thigh rather than inside you. 

‘Fuck-!’ His arms were shaking and his eyes pressed tightly together. His panting and exhaustion were overt and you wanted nothing more than for him to collapse next to you, holding one another until you both passed out. When he opened his eyes again, they were so soft. The icy gaze seemed to have melted into pools of sweet oceans, holding infinite depths of tenderness and affection. No words were needed, you understood one another.

Saeran’s tiredness took over him and he collapsed on the bed next to you and you pressed small kisses against his temple, his cheek and eventually his lips. After a few moments, you excused yourself to go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. You couldn’t stop your heart racing, but it was okay, because you knew your hearts were racing in sync. By the time you had gotten ready for bed, Saeran had already gotten dressed and passed out on the side of the bed. You threw a blanket over him and got into the bed with your chest pressed up against his back, wrapping your arms around him in a silent promise to never let him go. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep and you were lulled into unconsciousness by the sound of his breathing and the quiet drum of his heartbeat. It was probably the best sleep you had had since you’d arrived at Magenta. 

When the morning came, you found you were alone in the bed and feared that Saeran had changed his mind about you. Your hands desperately clawed at his side of the bed. He had left a letter tucked into the bedding for you, with your phone next to it and a spam of messages from the RFA. You’d been reconnected! 

Opening the letter, it read:

            ‘Pack well, but lightly. Be ready, I’ll come and get you.

            Trust me.  - Saeran.’

[everything-laito]

hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

[king-paimon]

HnK Post Chapter 95 Thoughts: 3 Months later...

Hi guys…. I’m so sorry for being away for so long and delaying this post. I can’t believe March is already almost over. This year is going by way too quickly, but honestly, is that really a surprise? I was working on this post back in January and was planning on posting it then, but life has been more busy than usual for me. I still feel really bad for promising to post this and not being able to keep it. But here it is now! I don’t know how many people will see it since the Houseki no Kuni tags have been pretty quiet, but you know what? I’m kind of glad I didn’t post this post right away because I wanted to properly talk about my feeling about the chapter, the series, and Ms. Haruko Ichikawa herself, and doing that when I was still emotionally charged wouldn’t have done this post justice. And though I don’t think my thoughts overall has changed too much, I’d still like to share my thoughts, if you are interested in hearing them. 

This will be another really, really long post, so be prepared! I’m definitely going to be doing a lot of edits on this one so please bare with me if anything doesn’t make sense. Please let me know if anything I said is too confusing.

Anywhoo~ here it goes:

My view of the story at this point

I had to go over my last post to see if any of my original opinions had changed and, well, for the most part, not too much. Most of the gripes I have with the story is still about the same, particularly the remaining gems becoming lunarian and the many implications that comes with it, though I would say some of my anger has subsided. I’m still bothered by it, though. I understand why the story would go in this direction and why the characters, especially Euclase, would choose to make this drastic decision to change themselves, since that was they ultimately wanted: to no longer live in fear of being destroyed and live peacefully, even if it means changing what they all were. It’s still bothers me a lot, mainly because I can relate this to similar real life events of people erasing their cultural and even racial identity as a means of survival in a different and so-called “better” society. I remember in one of my very first posts in the fandom, I stated how uncomfortable it made me that the first moon gems were totally fine assimilating into Moon society and were wanting to completely change themselves to fit in this society, even if it meant removing what made them who they were. For characters who didn’t like their original identity like Cairngorm (or Welegato but I’m not calling them that), or felt stunted in their original society like Dia, and found solace in Moon society, I can see how this transition as a liberating thing…but only to an extent. The thought of literally going to the extremes of changing yourself inside and out, erasing all traces of what made you “you”, while also destroying all old meaningful relationships in the process, to live in a place you were conditioned to be believe is the better option for you…It hits a little too close to home.

I’m talking about cultural assimilation and cultural destruction, where racial and cultural minorities sometimes go through drastic measures in order to assimilate into the “better” society, even if it means completely erasing their original identities physically and mentally. I’m not saying all forms of assimilation is inherently bad and I’m not saying that you must stick with your cultural upbringing for it’s a part of your identity; that is a toxic view and it’s especially bad if you experienced terrible things because of that upbringing.  I’m trying to talk about the extreme cases of assimilation when these individuals are essentially convinced to go through extreme measures to fit in to the “better” society because their old identity was “bad”, and by completely changing themselves, from their appearance to even their name, then they can finally be happy in the so-called “better” society. I’ve heard of people going through such lengths and it’s heartbreaking. It’s very cultish and that’s how I viewed the transition of the gems becoming Lunarians, with everyone accepting the change with seemingly no issue and especially after Aechmea literally gave Cairngorm that new name. It would have been one thing if Cairn picked that name themselves, but it was all Aechmea.  The lustrous don’t exist anymore and everyone is ok with it. The gem society that we knew, at this point of time, is gone now. It was far from perfect but the fact that it’s gone is sad and disturbing to me.

My view of the key characters of the chapter

Now that I stated how I feel about the gems essentially being erased, the next question is how do I feel about these characters themselves?

Conflicted. Very, very conflicted, and even a bit disappointed and upset, especially with certain characters more than others. But surprisingly, even after seeing how the turn of events turned out for all of them while Phos is stuck on Earth alone… I don’t hate them. Yeah. After everything that has happened, I currently don’t hate the gems… For now, anyways. It all depends on what happens next.

But the one character that I feel the most conflicted with is Adamant, especially after his interaction with Aechmea. Part of me is confused by Adamant’s and Aechmea’s seemingly friendly interaction because of Adamant’s past actions and words, for they don’t seem to belong to someone who would be on friendly terms with someone who they were actively resisting against before. I’m talking about all of the times that Adamant would fight off the Lunarians but also that moment in Chapter 85:

(Chapter 85, Pages 10-11)

After seeing things like this, I just find it odd how Adamant’s interactions with Aechmea are so friendly now. And with the horrifying implication that everything that had happened was planned between them, which also doesn’t make sense, I’m not sure what to think. Maybe Adamant’s changed attitude relates to him being free of his burdens and physical body? This could explain the change in attitude, but it still feels… off. Maybe I’m looking too much into this. I don’t want to hold hope that when he and the other gems were transformed that Aechmea somehow manipulated their memories to make them more compliant, even though it was made clear that memories were going to be lost in the process. Maybe this will be explained more in the next chapter, but I won’t hold my breath for that either. To me, this just made me feel weird about Adamant because remember, I was both sad and relieved when he disintegrated in the previous chapter because I really liked his character. Now though, I’m not so sure. I still don’t hate him or any of the other gems, but I’m definitely on the fence with him more so than the others. I certainly don’t hate Euclase like many other fans; I didn’t agree with their past actions (or rather lack of actions), but like with Phos and other characters, they did what they felt was right given what they knew. Still not excusing it, but I understand why. As for Antarcticite... I’m not sure, honestly. Though I’m glad at least they brought up Phos, I can’t help but feel that their main priority is still Adamant. Out of recently changed characters, Antarcticite is the main character I have the most positive opinion on, but again, that can easily change within the next chapter. 

So yeah, I still have mixed feeling about all that has happened that led to this point in the story, and I do have a more negative view of some of them. But regardless of that, I can’t bring myself to downright hate any of the characters. Disappointed with their decisions is one thing, but to hate them with every fiber of my being? No. I don’t think I can. At least for now. The same goes to the Lunarians, too. Hell, even though I’ve said before that I hated Aechmea for how he manipulated Phos and the other gems for personal gain, once again, I don’t think I downright hate him either (though I still want something bad to happen to him.) Aechmea is such an intriguing antagonist that I love to despise.

My view of Haruko Ichikawa at this point

Since the release of chapter 95, I’ve seen a lot of fans post their criticisms of Haruko Ichikawa herself regarding how she’s writing the story and her treatment of the characters. Someone even commented on my chapter post about how they don’t view her story as ‘amazing’ anymore because of her cruel treatment of Phos and the depressing turns in the story. Even popular commentors like @rinboz posted their criticism about what Ms. Ichikawa is doing with her story. As for me, I can agree with some of the comments made to an extent. Some of the choices Ms. Ichikawa made in the story has had me question her a few times; like the mentioned interaction between Aechmea and Adamant as well as the extremely predatorial relationship between Achmea and Cairngorm. I still think that chapter 95 was extremely rushed, especially going through the previous events that were stretched out into nearly 10 chapters. There are many other smaller issues that I personally have when it comes to how Ms. Ichikawa writes her story and characters, but I think the biggest criticism I’ve seen that I agree with is the concern about the current direction of the story. And at this point, the story can only go in so many directions and most of them are leading to anything but a genuinely happy ending for Phos. And it’s pretty depressing that Ms. Ichikawa has some of us pleading for Phos to die so they don’t suffer anymore. I can’t think of any other story that has me wanting the main character to die, not because I hate, but because I don’t want them to be mistreated anymore. This story is nothing but hopelessness.

But you know what’s crazy? I kind of like that.

Maybe Ms. Ichikawa has made me a glutton for tragic stories, or because I’ve been starving for a unique story, but I kind of like that this story hasn’t gone in the predictable, happy route for everything Phos has gone through. If this story were written by someone else, I can picture Phos somehow regaining their appearance and memories, be surrounded by the people who truly cared about them and their enemies dead, and pretty much having the picture-perfect happy ending with no form of problems whatsoever as an award for everything that Phos previously sacrificed. Yeah, this is the ending I’m sure fans want in some shape or form and to a degree, I do too. But to be honest, I’m kind of glad that’s not the story that we’re getting, at least right now.  In a weird way, it’s sort of refreshing to have a main character who doesn’t always win in the end, especially after all of the things the character sacrificed.

And I also how the story and it’s characters can be so simple and complexed at the same time, like in her anthology series. To me, this makes Ms. Ichikawa stand out from the many mangaka I’ve followed throughout the years. And because of that, part of me hopes she knows what she’s doing and has something extreme planned for the story’s future.

Now, I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot for still thinking highly of Ms. Ichikawa’s writing; there are still things that I think could have been handled differently, like the mentioned pacing and story details. But for now, those gripes are not too irritating for me and I’m not quite ready to downright say that her story is bad...YET. I want to reserve my final opinion of Ms. Ichikawa as a writer until the end of the series, whenever that will be, because despite how the story has progressed for last several chapters, I’m still enjoying writing. I just hope that when the series does come to an end that Ms. Ichikawa gives us a satisfying end. When it comes to ending a series, how an author does so can really affect how fans view the series and the author, and I think this will be the case for this story, though I’m sure there will be criticism regardless of what kind of end Ms. Ichikawa creates. For me, while I do care about whether Phos and the other characters get the endings they deserve, I just hope it will be told well. I’ve seen too many times really good series ending terribly because the creator didn’t know how to end a series properly. I sincerely hope that won’t be the case with Ms. Ichikawa.

From this point forward

I remember seeing a lot of readers who are upset with how the story has progressed thus far, with some even saying that they were going to drop the series because of how depressing it is. I think everyone who felt this way has every right to feel that way; it’s completely understandable. Houseki no Kuni is definitely not a story for everyone, and it can take an emotional toll on you.  I know it certainly affected me that way, and I can’t think of many other series that has done that. It’s been a long since I’ve been so invested in a series and despite the many emotional rollercoasters I’ve felt during parts of the story, I don’t think I will ever say that I regret picking this series up. And despite my mixed feeling about the latest chapter, I want to continue to stick with it. Even if the story continues to spiral in a never-ending pit of despair, I still want to stick with it until it ends. And you know, I think even if this series does have a somber, heartbreaking ending, I think I’d still view the story as overall amazing and I’d still be glad I got into it when I did...Unless Ms. Ichikawa gives us an abrupt, unsatisfying ending. Then that opinion goes out the window.

Until the next chapter comes out... 

Other than being busy, I admit that I’m glad to be taking a break from Houseki no Kuni. Despite my many praises, it still takes a lot out of me and I definitely needed that break. And though I personally don’t mind waiting a bit longer, I can’t wait for it to back. I sincerely hope that Ms. Ichikawa doing alright, especially after all of the chaos happening for the past year, and that she enjoys her time away from the series. I hope she’s staying healthy in body and mind, and I’ll wait with bated breath for the next chapter of this story.

Besides this post, I actually had a few post ideas that I want to work on, but because of my schedule, those will have to wait a while. I wanted to make another story prediction post because even though they are sometimes wrong, they are fun to do. I think I’ll wait until the next chapter to come out to make that one. The other post I’ve been somewhat working on is a bit different from my usual post; it’s somewhat of a character analysis/reflection and it’s on a controversial character that while many justifiably hate, I personally can’t. (Can you guess who that is? I’m sure you can!) Because of how many people hate this character, I was not sure if I wanted to write it. But you know what, I’m going to do it anyways. When that post will be done? I have no clue, but this will be an interesting writing exercise for me and I can’t wait share why I don’t hate this character the way many other fans do.

 The end!

Well, that’s the end of this post. I hope you enjoyed it. I will likely go over this again at some point but it’s getting really late and I need to get some sleep. I hope everyone is doing well and keeping themselves busy during this series hiatus. Maybe unwind by reading/watching a new series. There are some interesting ones that came out last year and this year. I personally stated watching Wonder Egg Priority. It’s really good but deals with a lot of heavy subject matters, so be warned. I’vve also watched lighter stuff like Lupin the Third (I love this franchise so much) and some of the new shows on Netflix. I would like to see some more stuff but I don’t know what to look for. If you have any recommendations, please feel free to leave a comment.

Until next time, I hope everyone has a pleasant week 😊

[yuzukult]

effortlessly pt. 9 || jungkook & reader

title: effortlessly pairing: jungkook x reader words: 5.0k genre: fluff, romance, school!au, smut some chapters notes: this is more of a self-realization chapter, less of the romance :) oc development & one more chapter left before an epilogue!!!! thank you all for your support and patience, i know i took a while with this one, mostly because i really wanted to take a break and write something else. :)

series: part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven || part eight || part nine || part ten || epilogue 

Yura’s cheeks are stuffed with the pastries from the bakery that was recommended by one of Jungkook’s teammates, something you’ve been meaning to take her to lately but with your mind flooded with thoughts on your future, there hasn’t been much time to dedicate to her. 

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” She’s eyeing you quizzically, uncomfortable with your distraught gaze. “You seem like you have something to say, so spit it.”

“I’m sorry,” You blurt with an agonizing frown. “I’ve been a terrible friend.”

“Why do you say that?”

Pushing the plate of baked goods away from you, your body slouches in the seat. The aroma of the flakey croissant beside the in-house made strawberry jam wasn’t appealing anymore and your previous conceptions stole away your appetite. “You didn’t tell me you wanted to be a cook.”

She rolls her eyes with a soft smile, shoving the plate back toward you. “Eat, loser.”

“Oh, come on. Stop acting like you’re not mad at me. I had no idea you were even going through anything—”

“Idiot, I’m not going through anything. I’m also not trying to be a cook. I’m trying to be a chef.” She corrects you, tearing off a piece of the croissant and bringing it to your lips. “Now take a bite of this, it’s crazy good.”

Abiding by her instruction, you open your mouth for her to feed you, chewing the soft pastry as it melts effortlessly on your tongue. “Good, right?” You nod in agreement. “I can’t help but think that I could’ve been there for you when you needed me the most. You were going through something, you were just as lost as I am.”

“Well, don’t feel bad. I kind of knew for a while, but I wasn’t sure. Sometimes we have to go through things alone to learn more about ourselves. Then Jungkook asked if I could help him with your little date, so I offered to do a picnic basket. It was for practice, and he seemed to be okay with it. How was the omelette?”

“Amazing. Which is why I was upset that I wasn’t a good enough friend to know that you cook so well.”

“Oh, please. Stop exaggerating... but really though. Was it that good?” Her eyes lit up at the compliment, emitting a chuckle from you. “It was, Yura. I’m seriously so proud of you. I wish I knew about your talents sooner.” 

Yura’s kind and patient, the qualities in a friend that everyone searches for. She has developed into a person who you found yourself depending on, someone who you wanted to stay around to share both good and bad times. Knowing that you weren’t there when she potentially needed you only made you disappointed in yourself. It was your turn to return the actions she provided for you; it was your turn to be a good friend.

She’s rolling her eyes again, a smile appearing upon her lips. “I told you, this is nothing. I’m still learning things about myself, so don’t worry, you didn’t miss out on anything.” You don’t believe her, but you take her words nonetheless, because you promise yourself and to her that from this day on, you’d try harder to be a better friend to her.

Walking out the café, a backpack slung over your shoulder, you glance at Yura who zips up her hoodie, snuggling in closer to the fabric to regain warmth as the night approaches along with the cool wind that blows in your direction. “Are you going to take the apprenticeship?” 

“How’d you even hear about that?” You’re surprised she knows this; there hadn’t been much exchange between the two of you since the last time you hung out. Yura scoffs, shaking her head as she fixes the straps of her backpack, strolling down the street beside you. “I’m your best friend, of course I know about it.”

“Jungkook? Hoseok? Which one was it that spilled?”

“Jungkook,” She confirms, a playfully innocent grin glued to her face. “But that’s besides the point. You got an offer of a lifetime, what does that mean for you?”  There's not much of a reaction from you, other than a slight shrug that you give her. It seemed great— getting an apprenticeship for a position that isn't for just anyone, but for you specifically. This was an endeavor that you never imagined yourself encountering. Goals and aspirations were a list to some people, especially Jungkook, but for you, that list hadn't been anything more than a title. So what did it mean to you, this opportunity that presented itself? "I don't know," You respond honestly, uncertain of what next steps to take. "I kind of am going through a dilemma." Yura raises a brow questioningly at you. "What is it?" You chew your bottom lip for a moment, trying to gather all your thoughts in a place before taking a deep breath of courage before exposing yourself to your friend. "Is it weird that I've been with Jungkook all my life, and now my so-called aspiration is on the same route of his?"

"Nobody is calling it that." "But if he's on the path of being a professional— what does it mean for me? Am I just a follower? Oh, Jungkook wants to be a professional swimmer, and now his girlfriend wants to do the same thing. How stupid does that sound?"

She shakes her head in disagreement, walking side by side with you along on the sidewalk, the sun slowly beginning to set whilst the wind makes its appearance again, sending chills down your spine. “Why does everything have to be about Jungkook? Why can’t it be about you for once? When you think of swimming, you think of Jungkook immediately, but why can’t you consider it being something you’re interested in?”

“Because Yura, I don’t know!” You exclaim, stopping in your tracks. It was hard, dreadfully hard making a decision that you weren’t sure of. You’re only in your teens, you think to yourself, at such a young age with the responsibility of making choices that may determine where your route is headed for the rest of your life. In all honesty, you want to cry; force yourself to shed all the tears even if you have to because the amount of pressure sitting on top of your shoulders was wearing you down.

You’re immensely grateful for the opportunity that just happened to land at your feet, but with a chance to do something big, you can’t help but feel that guilt eating you inside, wondering if this was truly what you wanted to do, and what if it wasn’t? Did it mean you took away the possibility of an experience from someone who yearned for it more than you did?

Yura ceases her steps, eyes meeting yours that were pools of pity. “It’s okay to not know. But you’re running out of time and have to pick what you want to do soon.”

“But Jungkook really wants me to do it.”

“Why do you care about what Jungkook thinks?”

Because Jungkook is the only person in my life whose opinions that I actually care about, is what you want to say to her, but it goes against all of the rules you’ve given yourself. You want to be independent, you want to be selfish in these moments that allowed you to, but at the end of the day, pleasing other people was a flaw you had never been able to grow out of.

“I don’t,” You lie, fiddling with the straps of your bag in between your nimble fingers. “I don’t care about what he thinks.”

She’s flabbergasted. “You absolutely do care. You care about what he thinks, and you’re afraid of disappointing him.” Yura says your name lovingly, in a tone that brings chills down your spine because she’s serious this time, a rarity in its form. “Please stop caring about what others think of you and make this decision on your own. There’s a chance that Jungkook won’t be with you at the end of this road, and you have to be prepared for it.”

“But it’s so freaking hard, Yura,” You finally admit, bending down to sit at the curb on the street. “I spent almost my entire life with Jungkook. My parents never approved of anything and weren’t ever happy with anything I did; he’s the one person who has supported anything I did and all I worry about is if he’s going to turn away like they did.”

“Did you just forget my existence again?” Yura interjects, sitting down beside you, giving you a slight nudge. “Listen, whether or not Jungkook decides to be by your side for this entire thing, I’m still here, right? It’s true, I can’t swoon you nor can I give you kisses because well, no offense, you’re not exactly my type—“ you snort, “—but I can be the friend portion here. You got me, you don’t need some boy you love, you have a friend.”

How crazy is it that you’re living in a fanfic trope? Your best friend from childhood is your neighbor, your first kiss, first time, first kiss... the list goes on.

So when you’re walking in the direction of where he stands in the parking lot of your high school, Jungkook’s car parked alongside his other teammates, while he leans against the hood of his car with the guys crowding around him. He looks like every other main character of a romantic film; hair slicked back, changed out of his uniform and swim clothes, now in a t-shirt that’s tight around his frame paired with light washed denim pants with tears and rips that hugs his thighs so deliciously. The laugh that escapes his lips is melodic, melting your heart seeing how happy he looks just by being with his friends.

You’re going to miss the hell out of this if he’s disappointed in your decision.

Approaching the group, the guys holler at the sight of you. “Hey! You’re finally here! Jungkook refuses to leave without you, so we’ve been waiting around until you came.”

“Were you?” You ask, eyes meeting your boyfriend. “Are you waiting for something in particular?”

Jungkook glances at the guys before back at you nervously, palms getting sweaty. “Uh... how do you feel about coming with us tonight?”

“Where to?”

Hoseok snorts from behind, almost bursting into laughter at how anxious Jungkook is around you. It’s cute, really, because despite officially together, he still acts as though he’s pining over his crush on you. “Oh, come on, it’s not hard to ask, just ask her!” Jimin adds into the push by actually pushing him.

Jungkook stumbles closer to you, slightly breathless. “So... there’s this party tonight...”

You giggle— mostly because he seems as smitten with you as you are with him. “Jeon, are you trying to ask me to be your date to a party or something? Why are you jittery?”

He is. And he can’t help but feel like his heart quickens whenever he sees you in a skirt and your hair down, first few buttons of your uniform unfastened and blazer hanging off your arm. Even in makeup that’s been on for 8 hours straight, he thinks you’re pretty. “Yeah,” his response is airy, “I’m hoping we could set aside a sleepover and head over to Hoseok’s place tonight to blow off some steam. How’s that sound?” Chuckling at his lack of confidence in the question, you nod in agreement. “Okay, that sounds great. When are we heading out?”

Getting ready for the party proves to be one of the most nerve-wreaking things you’ve done in a while, including that apprenticeship offer. 

“Why why why are these jeans so tight?”

“This dress shows my belly rolls.”

You’re patting the fabric that’s wrinkled around your stomach region as you sigh when you see the sideview of your body in the mirror. “I should workout. Does Jungkook find this attractive?”

“And this skirt is too short. It shows my freaking underwear.” Bending over in the mirror to see yourself from behind, you grumble at the sight.

“Wait— turn over here, I want to see.”

“Holy—“ Flinching in the direction of the voice, you place a hand on your chest to ease your breathing; Jungkook sitting at his window sill, hair let loose, fresh from a wash, still dressed in his sweats. “You look cute in that. Twirl for me. Oh, and bend over too.”

You roll your eyes. “I’m not going to bend over for you, Jeon.” He frowns. “Why not? I want to see what color your panties are.” Just when you’re ready to drop the blinds on him, he has his hand out. “Wait wait wait, don’t close it. Wear those jeans you wore the other day. And that black t-shirt. I think you look pretty even in casual clothes.”

While searching in your closet for said outfit, he stays seated by the window, resting his chin on his arm. “So... can we talk about break?”

“Uh, sure,” You respond, only half paying attention as you’re shuffling through the tremendous amount of clothes you have, the space between your brows crinkling in focus. “What about it?”

“So... the team and I had these plans to go on a lake trip...”

“Okay...?”

“And it’s an all guys trip.” He finishes, finally getting to the point. “I know we talked about the possibility of spending break together—“

“You should go, Bub.” You interrupt, eyes soon lighting up when you find the shirt, then meeting with his gaze. “I think it’ll be good for you. We’re not going to be in high school forever and you guys might separate when you get to college.” 

Jungkook thinks he hit the jackpot with you. From your understanding nature, to your independence, support... all the qualities you had were stacked up on the pros pile for him. “You’ll be okay? Without me?”

He asks this question and it stings a bit. You know he doesn’t mean it in that way but you can’t help but think about it in that direction. There had been a lot of dependency on Jungkook throughout your friendship; hardship, accomplishments, direction of your dreams— he’d be there for all, guiding you and lifting you up. But did he think that you wouldn’t be able to be without him? 

“I’ll be fine,” You reply, attempting to hide the disappointment in your voice. Head peeking out the window, you grin mischievously. “Well, I’m going to get ready now... so...” Quickly backing away, you shut the blinds immediately, and Jungkook groans. “I wanted to see a show!”

Arriving at the party with Jungkook by your side is more than an accessory— he’s the main point of an outfit. You learn that he wanted you to wear that t-shirt just because he wanted to match with you, knowing that you’d oppose it but would be too lazy to even change afterwards.

“You guys came!” Hoseok cries, weaving his way through the crowd of people while having to raise his voice for you to hear. He has a solo cup in hand, liquid sloshing around as people push and shove around him. “Go to the kitchen! Grab a drink!”

To two of you do, eventually Jungkook being pulled away by friends, chatting up a storm with his face slowly growing crimson from his asian flush. Deciding that it was a night to enjoy yourself, you play around with the ingredients from his fridge, cooking yourself up a mojito.

“Are you making a mojito? Can I join and make myself one too?”

“Sure,” You grin, looking up at the stranger. “Help yourself.”

This girl is absolutely gorgeous. Hair jet black and straight, stretching to her lower back with skin milky smooth and makeup done effortlessly naturally, with a body so slim and appealing in her body-con dress, a sight for sore eyes, you’re suddenly boiling inside because you’re wishing it was you. You learn her name is Somin, a University student who attended your high school last year, friends with the swim team but you never met her before.

“So, what brings you here?” She asks, searching through the drawers for a knife. “You don’t seem like the type to go to parties.”

Rinsing a couple limes under the faucet beside her, you nod. “Yeah, I’m not. Got dragged here so I guess I’m left with no choice. What about you? Trying to get away tonight?”

She laughs, so feminine and light. “Actually, trying to get closer. There’s a guy I’ve had my eyes on for the longest time. His mom and mine used to be friends so I saw me occasionally. I mentioned that I was in love with him and he freaked and left. But! I heard from Hoseok that he was coming tonight, so I’m hoping I get to see him.”

“Ah,” You respond, mouth open while taking the knife from her hands, slicing the lime into pieces. “Well, I wish you luck. I know how that feels.”

“Wait!” She exclaims, nudging you as you wince, startled and almost cutting yourself by her sudden action. “He’s coming!” Looking from the cutting board laying on the island counter, your eyes trail up to see the familiar figure walking toward the two of you as Somin waves eagerly. “Jungkook!”

She’s in love with Jungkook? When the hell did she know him?

“Oh, Somin!” He greets, smile so wide from the amount of alcohol in him. “I didn’t know you were here. I see you’ve met my girlfriend.” Well, how awkward. Somin turns to look at you, mouth agape, shunned. “Girlfriend?”

“Yeah!” He’s almost yelling in your ear now, rounding the counter to pull you close with a hand on your waist. “The love of my life. Isn’t she so cute?” Your lips tug into a painful smile, apologetic toward Somin. How is it that every female you encounter just so happens to be so in love with Jeon Jungkook?

You can’t even blame them, in all honestly. He’s handsome, generous, has a car and can drive, a freaking athlete, and he can sing. This guy was the entire package and he hasn’t even graduated high school yet. Forget high school girls chasing after him, Jungkook already had college girls swooning and it’s left you wondering what it’d be like once the two of you head to University.

That night home, you drive. Deciding to spend the night taking care of him since he seemed totally wasted, you’re on route to his house while pondering deeply about the events of the night.

“What’s going on in your head, bubba?” Despite the amount of slurs that slip from his mouth that night, he’s oddly stable.

“Bubba?” You laugh at the new nickname. “Uh, just some stuff.”

“Be honest?” He asks, looking over at you with glassy eyes as his head is laid back against the seat. “I wanna hear what you’re thinking about. I like hearing you talk.”

Licking your lips, you’re having an inner debate on whether or not to let Jungkook in on your thoughts. Succumbing to his request, you sigh because communication is important in a relationship. On the bright side, he might forget about this conversation tomorrow anyways.

“The girl earlier tonight? Somin? She told me she was in love with you.”

“Huh?” He seems just as surprised at this new information. “That’s crazy. We used to hang out during Sundays when my mom would force me to go to church. Then I got old enough to decide if I wanted to go or not.”

You hum, stopping the car at the red light. “Well, it had me thinking. We’re going off to college soon. What does that mean for us? You’d have girls dropping at your feet, completely smitten with you. What if I end up at another college?”

“We’ll figure it out then. But I know how much I’m in love with you, whatever you do and wherever you go. I’ll be sad if I can’t follow you or you follow me to college, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Although he’s slow when he speaks, he finishes off what’s on his own mind before drifting off into slumber before you could even chime in a response.

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

It takes a lot of soul searching.

You’ve spent a week away from everyone— Yura, your family, everyone, even Jungkook. He thinks he did something wrong but you assure him that he hasn’t, rather that you needed some time for yourself. Coincidentally enough, that week was break; Jungkook and his teammates had a vacation planned and Yura picked up a part-time job at a bakery anyway.

Maybe it’s the breeze from the salty sea, the humidity sticking to your skin or the taste of the strawberry ice cream that hits your tongue, but the air feels lighter here. Inhaling in the fresh aroma the beach brings, it brings you back to when you came here last time with Jungkook and he professes his love. It brings a smile that tugs on the edges of your lips, a memory that you would never forget, your first love reciprocating his feelings for you. 

“Oh, did you drop this?” 

Quickly turning, you realize that what was in the hands of the person in front of you is your wallet—how irresponsible do you have to be that you dropped your wallet and didn’t even notice? “Oh my gosh, fuck, it’s my wallet!” You call out, grabbing it from their grasp before meeting eyes with them. “Thank you, I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t find it!”

The person waves you off, a grin drawn across the face of a male, cheeks so supple and milky smooth. “Think nothing of it. Be careful though, there’s a lot of pickpocketers around here.”

You nod in agreement, lips pressed in a straight line, slightly disappointed in yourself. It’s like he reads your mind because he then says, “It’s okay though. It happens to the best of us.”

“Can I at least get you something for not robbing me? And my fate being that you so happen to not be a pickpocketer?”

The guy laughs; something about the warmness he radiates makes you trust him, fraternizing with this stranger with qualities of a sweet friend. Something about Junmyeon makes you fearless, trusting him enough to propose the idea of treating him out to anything for being a good samaritan. 

You learn that his name was Junmyeon, and he’s way older than you in comparison, but he has a lot of words of wisdom to share. After a lot of convincing, Junmyeon takes your offer for a cup of coffee—iced please, he begs, and in exchange, he in addition, tells you about his life like a middle-aged man.

He’s only 29.

“You’ve got a couple years ahead of me,” You begin, and it only sparks Junmyeon to raise a brow at you questioningly. “I’m stuck in a dilemma. How did you know what you wanted to do in life?”

Junmyeon chortles, mostly because he finds it interesting that you seem to think he has his shit together. The both of you had decided to take your cool drinks out on one of the benches on the boardwalk that faces the water. “You realize that I’m just twenty-nine right, not ninety-two?” You blink in confusion at his light-hearted joke, watching the sunset behind him. He continues on, “It means that I’m not that old, kiddo. I’m a bit older than you. And despite what you think, I don’t have my shit together.”

“Well, what did you do?”

“Well,” He starts, imitating your own words against you, “for one, I graduated college at the age of twenty-three. With a degree I didn’t end up using, by the way, and decided that the best thing for me at the time was to follow this girl that I was head over heels with. That being said, it didn’t end very well. Fast forward to today, I’m back in school trying to get my PhD... in a completely different field than what you’d expect.” Reminiscing back to his past mistakes, he shakes his head in disbelief. “There are just things you should be selfish about, and it took me a while to finally get that.”

“How did you decide on those things? And how do I decide what I want to do?”

“Well, for one, if you’re really hesitant about it, you probably don’t want it.”

And that’s when it hits. 

A day at the beach alone, meeting a stranger who finds your wallet and gifts you words of advice was more of a helpful trip than expected.

“You... got really tan?”

“You can be honest. I know I’m more red than tan.” You stifle a laugh, watching from his bed as Jungkook enters his room with his bags, waddling around to unpack his belongings from his trip. He’s in so much pain, and not to mention crimson red like he’s Santa’s suit, mostly from forgetting to put on sunscreen despite the many exchanged texts reminding him to remember to put on SPF. Turns out the entire team was burnt as well.

Browsing through a magazine that you found on his bedside table, you smile at the sight of your boyfriend wincing while sitting on the carpeted floor, attempting to unzip his duffle bag. “I didn’t know you were still shy seeing me. You’re all red and blushy.” You joke, leaning over to tap his nose, only for him to groan in agony. “Baby, I love seeing you, but I’m resenting asking you to come over.”

You gasp in feign surprise with a hand on your chest in exaggeration. “Jeon Jungkook, you couldn’t possibly mean that, could you?”

He throws a dirty t-shirt at you in hopes it lands on your face, and lucky for him, it shoots his target.. “Bullseye,” He says, content with his shot. “I worked out in that, just so you know.” Grimacing and tossing it back at him, he lets out a chuckle at your disgust. “That was horrible. It reeks.”

“Speaking of horrible, I couldn’t believe we didn’t spend the break together. I know it sucked without me. How was your week away?”

You roll your eyes, opening a drawer to drop the magazine back into it. “You’re the one who made plans, lover boy, with your group of other boys. But it was great, I think I learned a lot of things about myself.”

“That’s a step in the right direction. What’d you do in that time?”

Where to even start? Do you tell him about Junmyeon? What about the weather down the shore—humid and sticky, just how Jungkook likes it— or maybe that funnel cake you got to try that was so sweet and melted on the tip of your tongue? Or would that defeat the purpose and he’d be sad he missed out on that?

“I met someone,” is the words you manage to formulate out of your mouth, and the expression on his face is distorted in shock. “Oh— wait, not like that, I just met someone at the beach and they became a friend.”

“Scare a guy to the point of breaking his heart, why don’t you?” He’s stopped to listen to you in the midst of packing, attention fully yours. “So, what about this friend?”

Leaning against the bed frame, you take a moment to let your mind sink into your thoughts. There’s a lot to unpack, more than what’s in Jungkook’s duffle bag that’s similar to a clown car, but you want to do this right. “He gave me some life advice. He’s a bit older and gave me some guidance that could help me on what next steps I should be taking.”

“Does that mean you’re ready to make a decision?”

You chew on your bottom lip. In the end, you know that whatever you choose is solely based on your happiness but you can’t help but worry about what Jungkook thinks. “I think I am. What do you think I should do?” Maybe you should test the waters first.

He wrinkles his brows in perplexity. “What do you mean?”

You shrug at this question. “What do you think I should choose?”

Jungkook stops pulling things from his bag, eyes locking with yours and you feel your chest tighten at the serious shift in the atmosphere. “You’re not really asking me this, are you?” Now you’re the confused one. “What?”

“I don’t care what you choose. I mean, I care, but I don’t care as in I won’t be upset if you rather do one thing over the other. Is this what’s bothering you? Do you feel guilty about all of this? I told you, I’m always here for you, even when I’m trying to drill that into your head it seems like you don’t get it.”

“So...”

“So if you said that you didn’t want the apprenticeship, I wouldn’t be opposed to you going another route. Vice versa, same result. We’ve been together our entire lives, it would take a lot for me to actually upset with you. I just need you to be honest.”

Your heart swells. If anything, that’s all you really wanted— his support.

Sitting in the seat that you presumed that Jungkook had sat in when he’d gotten his offer, you feel slightly uneasy finding yourself in this situation. The room is filled with cases of books, most that you’ve never heard or seen before; the unfamiliarity churning a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. There’s even a fireplace in this office, a portrait of what seems to be one of the founders of the university that hangs over it, and a fuzzy... bear rug that lays in front of it. 

The recruiter closes the door behind her, striding to her desk before settling down in her large swivel chair that only seems to make her look even more powerful than she was already. 

“So,” She begins, straightening the pile of papers on her desk. “You’re here to talk about the offer?”

[tuiccim]

Enara (Part 3)

Pairing: Loki X Reader

Warnings: Fluff, flirt, innuendo

Summary: Queen Frigga’s new student of magic is given a challenge to prove her mettle. Can she prove herself as both sorceress and warrior when the charming Prince of Asgard sets his sights on her?

Enara Masterlist

--------------------------------------

It had been nearly two weeks since Loki had declared his affections and you had yet to give yourself to him. Loki was unsure why you still would not come to his bed. Today, you brought his afternoon refreshment as usual and he immediately was at your side pulling you into his arms for a kiss. When his passion begins to outweigh your willingness you pull away.

“Now, my prince, let us keep level heads.” You smile.

"Why do you deny me? I yearn for you. I dream of you. I can think of little else but you.” Loki’s voice is strained. 

“Your sparring today was proof of that. Your mind was certainly elsewhere.” You quirk an eyebrow at him. 

“Cheeky little witch.” He smirks and then eyes you for a moment before his features soften. “Are you a maid, my darling? I would be so gentle with you.”

"Loki, my father is one of the most feared warriors of our time and I have five warrior brothers, what do you think?" You smirk at him.

"So, you are a maid." Loki takes you in his arms.

"No." You scoff lightly. “I’m sorry if that disappoints you, my prince. Even living with six warriors did not stop others from finding Kleng’s daughter intriguing.” You look in his eyes waiting to see his reaction. 

“Then, why?” He asks. 

You give him the only answer you have, “I’m not sure myself, my prince. Please have patience with me.”

Loki lifts your hand and kisses it. “I’m sorry, my darling. I will have all the patience you need.”

“Thank you, my prince.” You press a kiss to his mouth. 

"You are coming to the celebration tonight?" Loki queries.

"Of course, my prince."

"Will you wear my colors?" 

"Loki, I must wear my family colors." 

"You would be so beautiful in green."

"I hope you will find me beautiful in the dress I have chosen. Will I get a dance with you? I imagine there will be many there vying for your attentions."

"I will be vying for yours." Loki smiles at you.

"I must go finish preparations and change. I will see you there." You kiss him one final time and slip out.

Later, as you put on your new dress for the evening, you hope Loki will appreciate it. The dress flows beautifully and the shade of purple is set off by an emerald green sash at your waist and emerald embroidery throughout the bodice. 

You enter the great hall and marvel at the extensive feast laid out. Many had already gathered and you made your way through the crowd, greeted by many acquaintances and friends. The announcement of the arrival of Odin and Frigga reverberates through the hall and you turn to see Thor and Loki enter behind them.  You smile at Loki, handsome in his green tunic and cloak. A few minutes later you turn as a familiar voice draws your attention. A happy laugh escapes you as you see Brandr and Aesir standing to one side of the hall. You are caught up in an embrace by Brandr who kisses your cheek while picking you up off the ground. You are jarred when set down as a hand encircles your arm.

"Who is this, Enara?" Loki snarls.

"Prince Loki!" Brandr and Aesir both bow.

You curtsy to the prince, "My prince, these are my brothers, Brandr and Aesir. And it's Lady Enara."

"Enara! Watch your tone with the prince!" Aesir snaps.

You give him a withering glance before turning back to Loki. 

"Forgive me, Lady Enara. I quite forgot my manners. I saw my chatelaine being handled and was prepared to protect her. Your sister speaks highly of you both." Loki turns on his charm and before terribly long has the two chuckling. 

"Lady Enara, I do believe I recognize your brothers!" Fandral saunters up to the four of you.

"Oh, yes, Fandral. By the way, Aesir, Fandral says he shall never forgive you for not mentioning your beautiful sister." You grin. 

Your brothers are in a bit of shock as you reintroduce them to the Warriors Three and Lady Sif as they drift over. They are free and easy with you having spent so much time together in training. When Thor joins you, Brandr whispers to you, "How are you so familiar with them?"

"I train with them everyday. They are my friends, Brandr." You look around at the group.

"How did that happen?" He asks.

"It's a long story better kept for a time we are not in the midst of revels." You smile.

As you stand side by side with Loki you can feel his fingertips play along your forearm and your hand. Never obvious to anyone but yourself, he is rarely not touching you in some way. Eventually, he pulls you away for a dance. It’s your first chance to speak privately. 

“So, you are wearing my colors.” Loki smiles at you. 

“I’m wearing my family colors with the colors of my prince.” You return his smile. 

He looks at you with approval. “You always know how to brighten my day.”

You duck your head to hide your blush. You look up to see Thor and Fandral smirking at you. You send them a mocking look to which they both snicker. Loki follows your gaze. 

“Ah, my brother and Fandral seem to find something amusing.” Loki eyes you. 

“They have been teasing me lately that someone is showing affection for me.” You smirk at him, but then a worrying thought crosses your mind and your face falls. “Will Thor tell the Queen?”

“No, but even if he does nothing will happen. I won’t allow it.” Loki declares, stealing a glance towards his mother. “I think she would be happy. Perhaps I should tell her.”

“Not yet. Please, my prince.” You plead. 

“Very well.” Loki sighs. 

“Thank you, Loki.” A moment later you saw Aesir walking towards you. 

“I believe your brother is coming to claim you from me.” Loki bowed to you. You curtsied and turned to Aesir. 

“Enara, come.” Aesir holds his arm out to you. “You’ve done well for yourself here. Father will be pleased.”

“That I am training in weaponry and learning the arts?” You ask sarcastically. 

“That you have befriended the princes. Prince Thor would, of course, be a grand prize to bring home to him.” Aesir says.

“Stop it, Aesir. This is not a hunt. They are my friends.” You seeth. 

“Do not let this opportunity pass you by, Enara.” Aesir hisses. 

You release his arm and walk to Brandr. “When did Aesir become our father’s messenger.”

“What did he say to you?” Brandr takes your hand. 

“Reminding me of my duty to marry well. Especially if it is Thor.” You look at your brother to see his reaction. 

“I would think Prince Loki would be more to your liking.” Brandr looks at you slyly. 

“Why would you say that, brother?” You eye him. 

“Because he has not been able to take his eyes off of you since he arrived. And for some reason, dear sister, you have chosen to weave our family’s purple with the emerald green of another house.” Brandr stares into you. 

“As always, brother, you see more than most.” You grin. 

“So, it is true?” He raises an eyebrow at you. 

You smile enigmatically.

“Lady Enara. You have not graced me with a dance yet. Will you join me?” Fandral approaches. 

“Of course, Fandral.” You take his hand and wink at Brandr as Fandral guides you to the floor. 

You dance with Fandral who flirts as usual and you laugh at his antics. He is a dear friend. Afterwards, you join the Warriors Three and Lady Sif for a drink. Loki comes up to you and whispers in your ear, “I need to see you in my room. Now.”

You nod your head and excuse yourself from your friends. You go through a different exit than Loki and take a less direct route to his chamber. Upon entry, Loki is already there standing across the room from you. 

You curtsy, “Is everything well with you, my prince?”

“No. Kneel.” Loki practically sneers at you.

“My prince?” You are confused by his demeanor. Was he angry you had danced with Fandral?

“I said kneel to me.” He says.

“I kneel to none but the Allfather.” You challenge him. 

“KNEEL!” He commands.

Your blood turns cold. This was not like Loki. He had never been this cold with you. Something was wrong. Taking a chance, you reach your arms up quickly into the air, cross them, and then forcefully pull them apart causing the person’s glamour to disintegrate. Before you stands Queen Frigga. 

“My Queen.” You curtsy. 

“Clever. How did you see through my glamour?” The Queen asks as she glides towards you. 

“Prince Loki has never treated me in that manner.” You reply. 

“He hasn’t? How interesting.” The queen stands before you studying your face. “You seemed to be drawing a great deal of his attention lately. Even Thor has mentioned his softness for you.”

“Prince Loki has been very kind to me. As has Prince Thor.” You say. The door to the chamber opens and you turn to find Loki and Thor entering. 

“Mother? What are you doing here?” Loki looks at her questioningly. 

“I needed a question answered.” Queen Frigga replies. 

“Did you get your answer?” Loki asks.

“Not quite.” Queen Frigga looks to her sons before settling her gaze on Thor. “Has he fallen?”

“Mother…” Thor tries to warn her off of the path she is taking.

You feel your stomach twist. The Queen made you chatelaine to test your mettle, but you have feared how she would respond if she found that you had fallen in love with her son.  

“Yes, I have.” Loki’s voice cuts through your thoughts and you look to him quickly. Loki moves to you and puts an arm around your waist. "I love her."

"And she feels the same?" Queen Frigga looks at you. 

"Yes, I love him." You say looking into Loki's eyes. 

"You are released as chatelaine." The queen declares.

"My Queen, please…" You begin.

"You have nothing more to prove. You will continue your studies and training. I have seen the hard work you have put in, Lady Enara." Queen Frigga moves as if to exit but stops next to you and leans in, "Be good to him." She whispers. She motions to Thor and they both exit. 

"Have you truly fallen?" Loki looks at you in earnest.

"I have. I love you, Loki." 

"I love you." He captures your mouth in a searing kiss.

When you separate you press your forehead to his, "Loki."

"Yes, my darling?" 

"Help me out of this dress."

--

Permanent: @bubbabarnes​ @badassbaker​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @strangersstranger​ @cherthegoddess​ @drunkbucky​ @sherlocksmanwatson​ @cap-n-stuff​

Masterlist

[gureishi]

ok so I'm back with some smooches + cuddles and updates on my experience with another story so far!

currently 1:19am as of writing this meaning I'm on day 7 of guess who's route?? it's RAY'S!!! our fav soft self depreciating good boy <333

aiming for the good ending and just got the Ray kiss I never knew I'd been waiting for my entire life! >_< my heart breaks for saeran and all the manipulation and abuse he has been going through at the hands of everyone in his life, he said in one of the chats how his willing to let us as the MC abuse and use him as a punching bag so long as we stay by his side, and can I just say that broke me. </3

playing through Rays route does make me despise Rika more and more each time I see her very toxic and abusive interactions with Saeran. though my heart does bleed for her and what she's been through, her actions thereafter are inexcusable in my opinion. everyone in this game needs some intense therapy and HEALING in the their lives, godsakes.

ALSO RAY'S SELF DEPRECIATING. please I don't know how much more I can take of this, it hurts to see how lowly he sees himself and how he genuinely believes he has no right to think for himself because his an "airhead". Ray you are precious and you deserve the world, please stop tormenting yourself like this!

also I love how Saeyoung is able to see when Saeran as the other hacker's mannerisms change. also love how he cares and worries for the MC whenever she brings up her concerns for the other hacker, instead of being cynical and distrusting. also I would love if Saeyoung was romanceable in this AS time period instead pls I love him, and his still the loml in this game!!!

and I honestly feel so terrible for V, his literally carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to protect everyone. and this is what further confuses me about his behavior in Saerans after ending, I'm only on day 7 so maybe his character does really develop to the point his at in the AE but it's just jarring to see how V is in Rays route and then to kinda have that switch in the AE. I really am in need of understanding of his character change pls, idc about spoilers (already have everything in AS spoiled for myself T_T)

also dark emo and "lame" yoosung needs some love and affection too! someond take care of that bby pls!!!!

also somebody give jaehee a break, she's literally working the ENTIRE day and finishing off at midnight??? cmon

also Saejoong (if that's how you spell it cos idc) Choi can go stick his head where the sun don't shine, STAY AWAY FROM TOMATO BOY PLS GOD.

at this point I'm just waiting for suit to show up, and it's honestly making me anxious, heard the game gets a bit tough to get through when he comes in..

well anyways those are my useless thoughts while playing through this, thanks for reading!! also here's your cuddles and smooches for reading through all this crap :333 <333

Smoothes and cuddles????!!!? You're spoiling me! I send back many many kisses and hugs to youuuu.

OH SO YOU'RE ON DAY EIGHT NOW HUH. AHAHAHA. AHHHHH. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW THIS GOES FOR YOU. I don't know what timezone you're in but uhhhhh just get ready ahhhh.

I totally wish we could be with Saeyoung in this timeline too. I mean, like, I wrote a whole fic about it. He just is so good and so sad and so shattered and so deserving of love.

And I have quite a lot of thoughts on V in the AE! The thing is that V loves us in this timeline. He loves us a lot. And by the end of the route, he's really broken. Like, he's spent his whole life believing that he's not deserving of love; he's sought out people who will need him, because he's convinced himself that that's the only way he can escape from his own mind. You are the first person who makes him believe that he deserves more than that—and without you, he has nowhere to turn. He stays with Rika because he doesn't know what else to do—because she's the only person who's made him feel like he has a purpose in life—because he's convinced that allowing himself to wither away for the sake of someone else is the only option for him.

It's not your fault for choosing Ray, of course. It's never your fault that V suffers—but oh, he does suffer. He's broken and empty. He's in the dark and he can't see a way out.

Now, I do believe that it's possible for him to recover after the events of the AE. I think with time—and therapy—and some distance from his previous life—he has the potential to find himself again in this ending. I think there's hope for him (I really do)—but still: it's so hard to watch him fall apart.

Thank you so much for keeping me updated, my dear! I simply cannot wait to hear how you feel about day eight.

[spiffyspuffy]

My Mystic Messenger Opinions

(That no one asked for)

Zen

Character: 8/10 I know a lot of people think Zens annoying but I find him endearing. One of the best things about this game is the complexity of the characters and I love that Zen’s cockiness is actually how he hides his insecurities. Even though he’s egotistical about himself, he’s never shallow with MC. He says multiple times that he doesn’t care about MC’s looks. He loves her for who she is and shows this in how he makes an effort to get to know her and be her cheerleader everyday. An underrated thing about Zen is how emotionally intelligent he is. He’s great at helping the RFA members when they need emotional support (Yoosung’s grief over loosing Rika, Jaehee crying from the stress of her job and MC’s shock at almost being kidnapped). 

Route: 2/10 Zen is a great character and he deserves a better route. The false rape accusation plot is horrible and offensive. Also, his route functions as an introduction to the game’s plot, so it’s exposition heavy and lacks action. The creators said that the lesson of his route is that when our insecurities are handled in a healthy way, they can push us to be better people. I love this message and I wish it had been highlighted more in his route.

Romantic Potential: 9/10 Zen is arguably the most dateable of all the characters. He’s a bad boy without being sketchy. He’s protective without being possessive. He’s kind without being a pushover and he’s smart without being pretentious. His biggest drawbacks are his overconfidence and and how busy he is with working. There aren’t any glaring red flags. 

~ More under the cut ~ 

Jeahee

Character: 7/10 I love this adorable theater nerd! She comes across as formal and stuffy at first, but reveals herself to be passionate and funny the more you get to know her. I gave her a lower score because she does have a strong personality that rubs me the wrong way sometimes (her jealousy of MC in Zen’s route, her lack of sympathy towards Jumin in her own route and her general rudeness towards Yoosung). She is the most mature of the RFA though, so her exasperation is warranted. Being mature and grounded also makes Jaehee the least complex Mysme character. I’ve got a lot of respect for her though!

Route: 5/10 Getting to engage in discourse about capitalism and the patriarchy? Amazing and hands down the best part of her route. It’s really inspiring to see Jaehee stand up for herself and choose to follow her dreams. I think it’s important for every young person to hear that they should have a positive work/life balance and demand that their employer supports that. Other highlights are Seven helping Jaehee by making the Power Point presentation for Jumin’s cat project, getting to fangirl with Jaehee over Zen and the creepy stalker plot. I thoroughly enjoy her route and the only reason the score is so low is because some of the other routes are seriously incredible.

Romantic Potential: 8/10 Jeahee doesn’t have any red flags either. I think she’s perfectly capable of having a healthy, romantic relationship with MC. The biggest issue standing in their way is Korea’s bias against lesbian relationships. As a fellow coffee lover and theater enthusiast though, I could definitely see myself or someone similar having a happy life with her, even if it might have to be in secret.

Yoosung

Character: 6/10 I can’t stand people who aren’t competent. Yoosung is a terrible cook, he barely cleans and he doesn’t pay attention to his studies. On top of that, 80% of his personality is that he’s a gamer AND he’s in love with his “dead” adopted cousin. Yuck. ~ But ~ I understand that he’s depressed and depression can seriously effect someone’s executive functioning. Taking all of those negatives away, we’re left with a young man who’s trying to his best to be taken seriously, which is something I can relate to. It’s nice to see imposter syndrome represented and I admire his loyalty to his friends. 

Route: 8/10 This route is sooo good! Who can forget the night when the RFA starts being aggressively stalked by Minty Eye? And the pic Zen takes of a believer looking at him through his apartment window...chills. His route only gets better from there when he infiltrates Mint Eye with Seven. This is the first time we get to see the twins interact and damn, is it confusing. But in a good way!!   The biggest drawback is that MC is stuck in Rika’s apartment and doesn’t play much of an active role in the story. 

Romantic Potential: 7/10 Despite all the negatives I listed about Yoosung, I do think he’s capable of have a healthy, romantic relationship with MC. Yoosung is also the only true sub of the RFA men, which is a definite plus for some players. Yoosung’s yandere side is a huge red flag though. MC better watch out if she doesn’t dote on him as much as he wants. Once he falls for her, he’s all in. 

Jumin

Character: 5/10 Unpopular opinion, but I hate Jumin. I understand that he’s some people’s guilty pleasure though. Jumin’s good aspects are that he’s intensely loyal, an animal lover and has a dry sense of humor. I appreciate how devoted he is to the RFA and it’s members. He offers to help Zen multiple times (albeit rejected), sends everyone body guards in his route and pays the hospital in the SE to keep Saeran’s identity top secret. What I’m not a fan of is the way he obsesses over MC and traps her in his house. This isn’t the first time he’s shown obsessive tendencies either. Seven explicitly states that Jumin acted this way with Rika in the past. Huuuge red flag.  

Route: 3/10 His entire route is fraught with rich people problems. I’m supposed to sympathize with him for an arranged marriage? All he had to do was say no. His father couldn’t force him. He’s possessive of MC because women have only ever wanted to be with him for his money? Not an excuse. Elizabeth going missing was a vaguely interesting story line, but Jumin’s relationship with his cat was cringey enough to overshadow the drama of it for me.

Romantic Potential: 3/10 Jumin has some serious issues. He’s never had a good female role model which has given him a deep seeded hatred of women. Remember when he tells MC that respecting women goes against his core beliefs? Yikes. Then, after meeting a woman who respects him and he actually likes, he locks her up and tries to change everything about her (cutting her hair, buying her a new wardrobe, teaching her the ‘proper’ way to walk, etc). We’re supposed to believe Jumin learns to be better by the end of his route, but he still proposes to MC after only a week of knowing her! I’m having a hard time picturing Jumin in a healthy relationship. 

Saeyoung

Character: 10/10 I’m not saying Saeyoung is a good person. Far from it actually. But he IS very well written and extremely interesting. In the other routes, Saeyoung is energetic and funny, bringing much needed humor to heavy moments. It’s always a joy being in a chatroom with him. Then you have the reveal that he actually hates his job and that he was faking his personality, all to a sad and slowed down version of his theme song. This plot twist shook me to my core. What makes him so well written is that the devs did a good job dropping hints to his real personality in the other routes that players might not notice during their first play through. 

Route: 9/10 This route is a wild ride from start to finish. This is when the plot threads from the other routes come together and start make sense. This route has secret agents, assassins, a deadly bomb, kidnapping, an evil twin, a powerful cult... It’s action heavy while still carrying enough emotional weight to make me cry every time. Saeyoung’s route is heavy and emotional and sooo worth playing. 

Romantic Potential: 6/10 Saeyoung has a shady job and a complicated past. Choosing to be with him means putting your life in danger every day. If you’re okay with that, he’d be a decent romantic partner. He’s a little rough around the edges, but I do think he has potential to become more like his ideal self (God Seven) after reading his AE. He’ll always have that mean and serious side to him, but I don’t think he’s hopeless. 

V

Character: 4/10 He’s low-key the worst. I sympathize with his trauma from being abused by Rika, but I don’t understand why he feels the need to fix everything by himself. Rika might be the source of most problems in this game, but V is partially responsible for standing by and letting her get away with everything. 

My first issue with him comes from encouraging Saeyoung to join the agency. I know Saeyoung didn’t have many options, but how was encouraging him to train to become a hacker and assassin the best option?! On top of that, he stalked Zen per Rika’s request and took creeper photos of him, failed miserably at protecting Saeran and don’t get me started on how he loves Rika unconditionally. V has some good characteristics but I really don’t care about those when he’s so terrible otherwise. 

Route: 10/10 This route is *chef’s kiss* the BEST. I wouldn’t call it a romance since Vs barely in it but damn is it riveting. Saeran is the perfect amount of loving and unhinged, MC get’s to know Rika on a personal level and V finally gets to be active instead of just reactive like he is in all the other routes. It’s also  satisfying to find out how much V has been keeping secret and to get a glimpse into Rika’s psyche. But what really makes V’s route stand out among the rest is that there are spy action scenes like in Saeyoung’s route, but the player also gets to spend time in Mint Eye.

Romantic Potential: 7/10 I’ll be honest. I don’t think V will ever be able to move on from Rika. He’ll always love her, as evidence in his AE. Besides that drawback, I do think he’d be a good romantic partner for MC. V was never the issue in his past relationship with Rika. She was the abusive one and he was 100% the victim. I think he would treat MC just as well in their relationship as he treated Rika. 

Saeran

Character: 7/10 I know I’m not the only one who loved the suave and cunning Saeran of the main routes who, after getting the therapy he needed, became an adorably shy and awkward man. Sadly, that’s not the character we got in AS. Instead, we met Ray, the split personality of Saeran’s psyche. Ray is charming and sweet as well as possessive and manipulative...which is something I’m into. But it’s not for everyone. Saeran’s real personality in AS is revealed to be angry and abusive and not at all similar to who he was in the main routes. I’ll give Cheritz props for writing a fairly accurate portrayal of disassociative identity disorder, but I think Saeran’s characterization is inconsistent. I get the impression Ray was an afterthought when creating AS. 

Route: 7/10 A mixed bag for me. I really enjoy any chatroom/scene with Ray. He’s undeniably creepy, but those scenes were entertaining in a dark romance kind of way. On the other hand, the Saeran scenes had a lot of unrealized potential. Abuse is never cool. All his route needed to fix this was a scene where Saeran explained to MC that he was pretending to hate her to appease Rika and the other believers. While this fake hatred is implied, I think it needed to be outright stated. It’s also hard to believe that Saeran overcame his DID in the course of one night. I know all routes are limited to 11 days, but this one needed more. Highlights of this route are Saeyoung being kidnapped by his father and of course, dark Yoosung with Elizabun. 

Romantic Potential: 7/10 I truly do believe that Saeran could go on and live a happy life in any of the endings where he escapes Mint Eye and receives therapy. While we only get a glimpse of what an emotionally stable Searan looks like, we know that he was kind and attentive with MC. Saeran is a giver and would do anything to make MC happy. Red flags are that Searan is still clingy at the end of his route. Yoosung makes a comment that he’s always holding MC’s hand when he sees them together. Also, his DID is something that will occasionally return and that’s something MC has to go into their relationship knowing.