#with my dumb paranoid social anxiety

[psiionic]

i have been non stop thinking about schizophrenic latula again. of course i could always repeat the same things i always say, latuda is a mood stablizer and it doesn't make sense that a pyrope would become anxious out of nowhere because their family line never implies that pyropes ever have a "shy" phase and are entirely more likely to fall down the line of obsession and depression and spiralling over minor things. but i was talking to my friend about the alternian economic system and we came to the realization that alternia is likely a much more scripted planet than we initially assumed, since it's essentially a planet that focuses on pumping out child soldiers i believe that their economic system is almost completely falsified by the HIC and higher powers, each caste is set up with a projected job, a certain amount of money, a specific living situation and lusus to groom them into the perfect position they'll take as an adult once exiled from the planet and gaining their title. ive already spoken about how i believe that the beforan trolls are all essentially encouraged to pick a persona to "brand" themselves as in a show of personal expression that is expected of them by the government, but it got me thinking about how these two things interact with eachother. flarping is such a popular game on alternia specifically because all the kids are, essentially, larping as their projected adult counterparts until they leave planet. thats why there doesn't seem to be any ACTUAL job structure, the janitors are all kids pretending to be janitors until they leave planet, and highbloods commission people with their government allotted money, which funds the economy as well. there are mentions that if you don't "play your role right" you'll be culled and its because they figured out a system to learn who is willing to play the right role and who isnt BEFORE they have the power to actually harm the empire, which is NOT ON THE PLANET. drones kill anyone who steps out of line and its called culling because theyre still little kids. its like taking out the "bad actors" in a play, they arent needed, itll stall the progress of the machine. all of the characters essentially have a pre-determined role and persona they can fall into, and if they refuse to play along or start to look at the fact that theyre in a roleplaying game for too long they'll be culled.

anyways. this leads me to believe that because beforus is a planet without the exiling system, that means it's likely a system where no one ever stops playing "pretend." due to there being no expansion, the only thing that matters is appearance. It doesn't exactly matter how good you are at something, culling doesn't need to mean killing, it just means you lose your right on how to present yourself. You were clearly unable to play your part because you were too dumb or too pitiable and need someone else to ensure youre able to be presentable as the persona they choose for you.

this leads me back to latula. i believe that as a knight of mind, latula likely was able to see right through the pretend games that they were all playing extremely fast, but due to a knights innate questioning of themselves and their own thoughts, she was likely easily convinced that the problem was not the system but HER actually, for scrutinizing the system. calling people fake or invalid or implying they aren't what they actually are i'd imagine is a very strong offense in a society exclusively centered around always wearing masks. i also feel like this is exactly why all of the dancestors show that they are deeply disconnected from who they truly are, with mituna being the only one who couldn't keep up appearance and therefor had to have his autonomy stripped not just by beforus but by the narrative itself, disconnecting him from who he used to be by force. latula likely takes medication not for social anxiety but because she quite literally ruminates too much, i can see her being anxious in a paranoid and pointed way specifically at forces that be, especially considering how mind players act, but i cannot for the life of me ever see latula being the shy socially anxious fluttershy type i constantly see (or at least SAW) her be portrayed as. while this doesn't specifically point to schizophrenia, due to what latuda actually treats, it's my favorite headcanon to apply to her.

[misaldragon]

The mercs (and others) red flags.

Saw someone else do a post like this, hated it, decided to give it a try at it. Please keep in mind this is my personal list so if you don’t agree with something that’s a-okay. I welcome constructive criticism and questions.

Scout: Talks to people who aren’t there (See the comic where Zhanna tried to bed scout), major ego (to be fair he is god's favorite but still), will pick a fight with someone for you (If you have social anxiety like i do you’ll want to shrivel up and disappear), kills people (this is just going to be a given with all the mercs), and dates might be cheap due to him spending all his money on Tom Jones merch (Scout may set aside money for dates with you if you say you want to go somewhere else though but man cannot buy a house for the two of you).

Soldier: Man is as dumb as a bag of rocks (he drank led water cut him some slack… Also dumb enough to fall for just about any scam), like scout he will also fight someone for you but be much louder and bombastic about it (please i just was to not exist, no, don’t fight the dad in front of his kids), VERY proud american (as an american, this country sucks), and will yell at you, other people, anyone, that baby in the stroller? Getting yelled at! (Generally very loud person and doesn’t care who you are… Also kills people).

Pyro: Do you collect bones? You do now (Due to Pyro vision bones are probably candy or flowers or something to Pyro… They have good intentions but my god is it scary/creepy if you don’t know about Pyro vision), bones might be animal or human bones and also general body parts (Pyro vision again), will not shower around you.. Do they shower (they don’t want to be seen without their suit on but will let you clean the suit with them in it), and will probably steal your lighters (this is going off a hunch but also stealing is not something i like… Also kills people).

Heavy: Works very closely to Medic a lot of the time (and Medic is… A lot), VERY happy to do his job (and since his job is killing people this can be concerning), maybe a bit too attentive to his guns (can certainly be off putting to see a minigun in a small bed next to a larger one), and he was out of touch with his family (as shown in the comics when he's worried about his family only to find out they have been defending themselves just fine).

Engineer: Probably a workaholic so he may forget dates (note, he’ll also do his best to make it up to you if he does and start setting up reminders for himself he’s just not used to being in a relationship because of his job), makes southern sweet tea (as someone who lives in the south i know how sweet our tea is, if you don’t want cavities from looking at a drink don’t let him make sweet tea for you), probably shot at you before (mans paranoid because of spies, don’t sneak up on him), and would pressure you to ride a bull (mechanical or not but he’d prefer it to be mechanical and one he made to make sure it’s not to much, still won't take no for an answer when it comes to this only… Also kills people).

Demoman: Substance abuse (alcohol, congrats to the original you got one right), probably mommy/daddy issues (his mom seems to be an angry elderly woman, dad is dead so it seems there's something there but that could just be me), believes in monsters/ghosts (i don’t but given how the world of TF2 works this is more a IRL issue), has probably blown himself up at least once (possible that he might blow you up if he's REALLY drunk… Also kills people).

Medic: This man is a walking red flag, made a deal with the devil more than once, stole his pet doves, stole a wedding van, puts animal organs in people, manipulative (mostly seen with the tfc team when he had to manipulate them to put animal organs in them), stole a man's skeleton, medical malpractice, probably not mentally well, will take your organs, and kills people… Probably not all of it either.

Sniper: Can skin any animal or even person flawlessly and tell you how too (creepy, and i don’t want to know), very good stalker and hunter (he does this with you because he wants to surprise you with something you like but conversation is his weak point so this is the next best thing in his mind), Pyro isn’t the only one that’ll bring you animal bones (at least he’s a bit more tactful about it, making it into actual stuff like alligator teeth necklaces, deer antler coat hanger, and snake bone coasters for a few examples), probably doesn’t shower as much as he needs to (at least he brushes his teeth… Also kills people)

Spy: Will eventually leave you like he did all his other partners (which we can see with Scout's mother since he didn’t help raise Scout), is french (must i explain?), secret past (will keep as much of his past a secret as he can but also find out everything about you he can), and he never fully trusts you (he’s a spy, it’s understandable but sad.. Also kills people).

Miss pauling: Does not have time for you (unless you join her on missions but that is a large order), doesn’t fully trust you (this is from vibes), cannot fully devote herself to you or the relationship (her loyalty is to the administrator), can kill you without anyone noticing (its just scary to think about).

Saxton hale!: Can and will fight people for you even if the person just looked at you funny ( the police have been called several times), will fight a hippy just because they are a hippy (He really likes fighting), willingly and knowingly sells weapons to mercs (man can kill and condones it), will jump out of a plane with you… you have no choice.

[bluenightcomedies]

uuuugh i keep procrastinating cuz i wanna make new refs n' arts n' all for us all but art slow so fuggit placeholder pinned abt the system better pinned with comm details, other accs, etc later :3 will reopen for commissions once arty verifies me! as a whole we're legally deaf and disabled! we can all draw but have diff styles/preferences :3 body is 30 (eugh i don't like admitting that) so am adult BUT we don't wanna be involved in nsfw art so pls respect that⭐ We can't get a formal diagnosis due to various real life issues, so we're not going to claim any particular diagnosis, but we can't exactly ignore the symptoms and stay masked forever. We're going to stay out of syscourse as much as possible, of course. 🌙 each alter has an assigned emoji so ppl can tell us apart easier if needed, use em as our tags too (when we remember) note- using they/them for any of us fine too!⭐

(doesn't include alters that rarely or never front) ⭐star emoji = Blue! she/her pls~ guess i'm the honorary host cuz i front most. uhhh... nothing rly too fancy i can say abt myself, i'm p affectionate and love y2k art and hanging out, i try to be as nice as i can >w< my art's usually sketchbooky, with thin lines and soft colors/shading!

💠this blue gem/flower emoji is Azure! she/her, she's kinda new to the system. looks n' acts a lot like me but uh... more childish i guess? very silly, very 'cringe culture is dead'. loves to rp, say silly things, n' cling to people. hyperfixates on Dot Hack (RIP) her art looks like mspaint x3 🌙 (Writing for myself since I'm available.) The name's Lune, hence moon emoji, and I use she/her pronouns as well. Formerly "Starry" but people kept confusing me with Blue due to her star symbolism. Used to be the designated mask, I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore... Sometimes I re-mask out of habit so if something sounds like me but wasn't marked as an alter, it probably is me. I have a flat tone and chronic paranoid anxiety so uh... Let me know if I come across as rude, I usually don't mean to. I enjoy doing research and organizing information, so I'm often the one to fact-check things or find guides and how-to's for the system. My art's very bold and colorful, and friends describe it as 'angular'. Clashes with my personality, huh? 🗝️key emoji = Sylverwynd! he uses he/him! he's super laid back and chill, i've never seen him upset or anything, but he's rly long-winded talks... kinda poet-y? he loves reading and talking abt lore and myths so he'll pop in if ur talking abt something he likes or if he has trivia 2 share! fave genres r horror n' fantasy he's still experimenting w/ style but likes drawing rly soft

❌cross emoji= Laceburner! it/its or they/them pronouns! tbh i'm not used to it/its pronouns but Lace wanted em; it's very uh... emotionally empty i guess? aroace, agender, can't socialize or empathize v well. it usually fronts when the rest of us are tired or in pain cuz it just ignores all that. likes 2000's scenemo aesthetics though which is surprising but ye idk how to describe its style, but it's trying to mimic emo art n' likes bright colored lines with dark bg/colors 🗡️the dagger is Kal! he/him pronouns, he gets angry and stressed abt things really easy but he gets too hostile abt it so he tries to not front too much; need to find him a way to de-stress n' chill out... when he's not mad at smth he's a good sympathetic listener imo, still swears and talks all rough tho hasn't drawn much yet but does rly harsh lines and fast/messy sketches when he does (and gets riled up by mistakes =w=;)

❤️heart is Weiss! genderfluid, goes by any pronouns, usually uses whatever they like at the time x3 has a hard time fronting but tries to. flirty, loves dumb jokes, overly confident... (we worry they'd get us in trouble sometimes cuz the shit they want to say) loves demon and monster-related stuff! still experimental style but uses bold colors and thick rough lines a lot, may get suggestive (forbidden from outright nsfw, don't ask >:c) btw ur always welcome to direct asks @ someone specific >w< we just might take a while to respond

[jellybeanium124]

me pretending you're my therapist under the cut

I feel like most people's social anxiety and self hate is supposed to peak in high school and then get better. but when I was in high school I was totally mentally doing bad for other reasons, but I was super secure in my relationships and wasn't constantly being bombarded by thoughts about how I'm incredibly annoying and every time I leave the room people are talking about how much they wish I wasn't here at all. but today I saw two of my closest friends, people I've known for 16/17 years and have always felt incredibly secure with, and I started having these thoughts about them!! I just feel like I'm going backwards and I don't know why. and I know, logically, that those thoughts are ridiculous and wildly self-centered, and that people probably aren't talking about me at all when I go to take a pee, let alone talking about how much they hate seeing me. but that doesn't stop the evil bastard in my brain from suggesting it.

idk man. maybe coz like when I was in school, my anxiety was totally focused on schoolwork. the things I used to tell myself was that I was lazy and would amount to nothing, and I'm feeling much more chill on that front and have processed that, especially with the whole "realizing I have adhd" thing. I used to be so laser focused on my fear of turning schoolwork in late and getting in trouble. I used to panic over essays I had barely started. and now that's all gone, and it has been for over a year. I have work, yeah, but when I go home, I'm off the clock. no more homework. no big projects to stress about. no essays or math worksheets. and it's fucking AMAZING, I love being done with school, but idk... I guess the incredibly anxious and paranoid part of my brain had to find something new to insult me about and constantly make me worried. I need to just like, fuckin, stop myself from falling deeper and deeper into these thought patterns. I did it once before. it took me about a year and a half but I was 100% committed to fixing my relationship with my body and now I don't hate how I look anymore. I just gotta start saying "NO. shut UP you dumb FUCK" again to this new voice ig

[shipdynamicgirliebutnotagirl]

Ship Dynamic (but it's actually me and my girlfriends dynamics)

No sense of danger, takes too many risks "for the memes" × Too paranoid, tasks no risks whatsoever and never pushes themself outside their comfort zone

AuDHD × ADHD + social anxiety

Orange cat × Black cat

Extremely smart but never admits it × extremely dumb and talks about it too much

Anime fan (who likes some K-Pop songs) × K-Pop fan (who dabbles in watching anime)

Never wears their glasses but PROBABLY SHOULD 😡 × Always wear their glasses unless looking at their phone or drawing

Super good, trained artist + animator × not particularly good artist but tries their best

"You're so cute"

"Wha- What did I do!?"

"Let me help you with carrying those things :)"

"No, I got it :)"

"LET ME HELP!"

"NO, LET ME HOLD EVERYTHING!!!"

Both info dump about current interests

Both share one braincell

Both are musical theatre nerds

Both forget to drink water regularly

[steeklover]

Hey! Could you share your steek hcs? Or how you interpret their dynamic? I really like this pairing and I would love to hear how you see them:D

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!! 

I’ve never actually made a headcanon post before (and I’m kind of terrible at explaining things) but of course I will share my thoughts about this ship. It’s so nice to know there’s other people out there who like them, I love them so much!!

My Steek Headcanons

Dynamic

-I feel like this ship has so many dynamics to it. I like the idea of emo Stan x happy Tweek, emo Tweek x happy Stan, happy Tweek x happy Stan and emo Stan x emo Tweek.

-Stan is reserved, closed off, introverted, depressed, probably emo, down to earth, thoughtful, a deep thinker, tender, sensitive, moral, logical, emotional, reasonable, kind of a jerk, jealous, caring, a good friend, loyal, dependable, trustworthy, compassionate, a leader and selfless.

-Tweek is a little more diverse to me, he can be outgoing, extroverted, talkative, talented, anxious, nervous, paranoid, easily angered, introverted, easily angered, easily annoyed, emotional, kind of a jerk, caring, a good friend loyal and and selfless. Tweek can also be just like Stan though, introverted, depressed, probably emo, reserved, closed off.

-Tweek uses his words to express his feelings while Stan is better at using his actions. 

-Stan has social anxiety so he can relate to Tweek’s anxiousness. 

-Stan is very patient with Tweek and his anxiety. He knows how it feels to be misunderstood when it comes to his feelings so he is always there for Tweek when he is freaking out. He knows that Tweek doesn’t like to be told to calm down or that he is being irrational when he is freaking out so he instead takes the time to talk out Tweek’s feelings with him.

-Tweek is the same way with Stan’s depression. He will do anything he can to make Stan even a little happy and doesn’t mind just being there for Stan if he doesn’t want to talk. He knows how it is to feel all these feelings but not knowing how to express them so he tries to be patient with Stan as well.

-Tweek is not the best at being patient though. When they first got together, Tweek would often mistake Stan being closed off as him being angry at him and would insist on knowing what was wrong, not knowing it had nothing to do with him. When Tweek realizes why Stan would become closed off at times, he could relate and that’s when he started becoming better at making Stan feel better.

-In regards to Stan’s alcoholism, Tweek would of course freak out when he eventually found out about it. He probably wouldn’t tell his parents about it because from his own experience, he knows how useless the adults in his town are. Instead, he would urge Stan to get help and would probably do a bunch of research on A.A meetings. He would probably go with Stan too, to make sure Stan knew he supported him. If Stan slipped out and drank again, Tweek would be understanding about it but would always keep a close eye on Stan when they went to parties with alcohol.

-In regards to Tweek’s meth coffee, Stan would probably be more vocal about it because it wouldn’t only be affecting Tweek, it would be affecting everyone that drinks Tweek Bros coffee. He would probably start a protest against the coffee shop and would get the police involved. Tweek wouldn’t want him to do any of that because he wouldn’t want his parents to be mad at him but Stan would remind him that this wasn’t only about Tweek, it was about other people too. Mrs. Tweak and Richard would be arrested and Tweek would go to live with Stan’s family.

-In regards to Tweek having withdrawals, Stan would probably call Kenny to ask him what to do since Kenny would probably have experience with that kind of stuff instead of taking Tweek to the hospital because… once again, adults are dumb. Tweek would be really sick for a few weeks but Kenny would take really good care of him and would give Tweek tricks on how to beat his addiction and have to prevent relapses. Stan would want to know everything about what he can do to help Tweek and would do research on his own and would constantly go to Tweek to give him tips. This would annoy Tweek. 

-Tweek is good at initiating communication while Stan is better at actually communicating. This is because Tweek is very straightforward and doesn’t beat around the bush but he has trouble putting his thoughts together into words that Stan can understand. Stan is the opposite of this, he is good at sharing his emotions and thoughts but only does so when he is asked to because he is afraid that if he expresses his more depressing thoughts, that people will leave him. That being said, a big part of improving their relationship as it goes on is working on their communication skills.

-They are both big worriers but Tweek expresses his worries out loud, even though no one understands what he is talking about, while Stan keeps his worries to himself unless he is asked about them.

-They don’t argue a lot but when they do, their fights are really bad. They usually have something to do with not being open enough which makes the arguments even worse because while they are fighting they aren’t being open enough. Tweek gets angry easily but after a few minutes of fighting, knows that he is upsetting Stan a lot (Stan doesn’t like fighting because of his parents) so he’s usually the first one to end the fight and walks out of the room. Stan is the first one to apologize because Tweek is stubborn.

Family

-Both boys have daddy issues. 

-Richard doesn’t like Stan as much as he liked Craig for some reason but he still promotes Tweek’s relationship with him at the coffee shop because it’s good for business ofc. Richard’s really two-faced, acting all buddy buddy with Stan when they happen to see each other in public but whenever Stan is over at his house, he acts like he doesn’t know him. Tweek gets mad at his dad’s attitude towards Stan but doesn’t say anything about it because he knows his dad never listens to him.

-Mrs. Tweak loves Stan though and treats him like his own son. She already kind of knows Stan because she’s friends with Sharon so she was really happy when she found out that Tweek was dating him. Mrs. Tweak likes Stan better than Craig though because he’s more lively.

-Randy loves Tweek because he loves that Stan has a boyfriend since he’s PC. Randy is really touchy and wild which freaks Tweek out because his own parents are the complete opposite of Randy so he’s not used to any adult being obsessed with him. Tweek does like Randy though, he just thinks he’s a little cuckoo.

-Sharon really likes Tweek too because he makes Stan happy. Shelley likes Tweek too, she thinks he’s cool which Stan thinks is really weird because Shelley doesn’t like any of his friends.

-Tweek and Stan hang out more at Tweek’s house because Tweek’s parents are more chill than Stan’s and just leave them to do their own thing. Randy is always in their business whenever they hang out at Stan’s house.

-It really bothers Stan how his dad seems to like Tweek better than he likes him and how Tweek’s dad doesn’t like him either. He seeks approval from both father figures but never gets it which makes him insecure. When he brings this up to Tweek, Tweek tells him not to worry about his dad because he’s not worth being upset over. When it comes to Randy, Tweek tells him that he doesn’t feel like he has his dad’s approval either so Stan doesn’t feel so alone.

Friends

-Tweek is really popular while Stan is kind of a loser. 

-Tweek’s best friend is Jason White (CANON!!) He’s also friends with Craig’s gang of course (Craig, Token, Clyde and Jimmy) Tweek’s also friends with Wendy and the rest of the girls, the goth kids and Kevin’s gang of friends (Kevin, Bradley, Francais, Timmy and Scott Malkinson). Tweek deserves ALL the friends.

-Meanwhile Stan is only friends with Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters. No one likes Stan’s gang because they got themselves into too much trouble so people decided to stay away from them. In high school everyone kind of mellows out so they just turn into losers who no one likes.

-Tweek is also friends with Stan’s gang. Tweek and Kyle shit talk a lot of things, mainly the dumb adults in their town. They also both have anger issues so they work on that together. Kenny and Tweek are really good friends too. Butters and Tweek are both a part of the drama club and like making crafts together. Even Cartman likes Tweek, they both like animals, baking/cooking and acting. They’re also both insane. It makes Stan really happy that his boyfriend gets along so well with his best friends.

-No one understands why Tweek likes Stan and his friends so much but Tweek’s pretty oblivious and doesn't know that everyone hates his boyfriend.

-When Tweek and Stan start dating, everyone gives Stan the if you hurt him, i’ll hurt you talk which annoys both Tweek and Stan. Stan’s friends trust Tweek though so Tweek doesn’t get the talk.

-Whenever Tweek invites Stan to come hang out with him and his friends, Stan declines because he’s socially awkward and knows everyone hates him but no matter how many times Stan tells Tweek that, Tweek insists that Stan’s just being shy and ends up dragging Stan along with him.

-Everyone is kind of skeptical of Stan at first but they eventually warm up to him and they become sorta friends. Stan and Craig still hate each other though because Craig is slightly jealous of Stan since Tweek broke up with him and Stan knows that and doesn’t trust Craig). That leads to the rest of Stan’s friends being friends with everyone else so… HAPPY ENDING!!

-Craig’s gang and Stan’s gang still have their stupid rivalry going on and fight over who’s gang Tweek is a part of. Craig’s gang claims that Tweek was originally their friend and that that didn’t change because Stan was dating Tweek but Stan’s gang reminds Craig’s gang about how Tweek used to hang out with them when they were kids, so technically he was their friend first. Tweek finds the whole argument stupid.

Hobbies

Music

-Stan and Tweek really like music. They both like singing and songwriting. Tweek plays the piano, the clarinet and the saxophone (all canon) and Stan plays the guitar. Tweek teaches Stan how to play the piano and Stan teaches Tweek how to play the guitar so they can expand their musical abilities together.

-Stan has a lame alternative punk rock/ heavy metal garage band with Kyle, Kenny and Butters. Cartman is their manager. Stan is probably the lead singer. He also plays guitar but not in the band. Butters and Kyle play the guitar in the band so Stan can focus on singing. Kenny plays the drums.

-Tweek frequently goes to watch Stan and his friends practice at Stan’s house. When everyone at school first heard about Stan and his band, no one cared about it except for Tweek because another headcanon: Tweek likes rock / heavy metal music.

-Tweek makes Stan really nervous when he watches him play so whenever Twek watches Stan, he always messes up singing. This really annoys everyone, especially Cartman, and when they figured it out Stan kept messing up because of Tweek, they decided that Tweek couldn’t watch them anymore.

-Because Tweek and Stan weren’t dating at the time, Stan told them that if Tweek wasn’t going to be able to watch them practice, they had to come up with a better reason so Tweek wouldn’t find out that Stan had a crush on him. And that’s how Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Cartman found out about Stan’s crush on Tweek.

-OKAY I REALLY LIKE THIS IDEA: When Stan’s going through a depressive episode, every song he listens to sounds like shit which makes Stan really sad because he loves music. When he told Tweek about it, Tweek recorded several videos of himself singing and playing the piano and gave them to Stan. When Stan’s going through it, he always listens to Tweek’s music because it’s the only thing he can listen to that doesn’t sound bad and it makes him happy.

-Tweek’s a theatre nerd of course so whenever it’s his turn to pick a movie on their date nights, he picks something like Dear Evan Hansen or Hamilton. Since Stan hates musicials he’s opposed to Tweek’s selections of movies at first. Tweek doesn’t care though and keeps picking them anyway which causes Stan to eventually like them, even though he never admits that to Tweek. Tweek knows Stan likes musicals anyway.

-Stan prefers watching Tweek perform on stage than watching musicials on their date nights. He’s really supportive of Tweek when he has a show coming up, he runs lines with him, gives him pointers and shows Tweek off wherever he goes. This has resulted in people asking Stan to try out for theatre productions but again, Stan “hates” musicals so he always declines the offers.

Sports

-Stan plays football which makes Tweek really paranoid because he’s afraid of Stan getting hurt. Tweek is always lecturing Stan about the dangers of playing football, telling him that he can get a concussion and go into a coma and die. 

-Sometimes Tweek really starts to overthink about the possibility of Stan getting hurt so Stan said that he could come and watch him play football if he wanted to, so he could make sure Stan was staying safe.

-Stan didn’t actually think Tweek would go and watch him at every practice because he knows Tweek thinks football is stupid and boring but because Tweek doesn’t trust Stan to not do something stupid, he sits at every football practice to make sure Stan doesn’t get hurt. 

-Tweek only starts going to each practice for Stan but since all his other friends are on the team too, he ends up being the unofficial nurse of the football team. He always has a first aid kit with him and he runs out onto the field whenever someone so much as falls down or bumps into someone else.

-That really annoys everyone on the team but whenever they complain, Tweek yells at them and Stan defends Tweek, saying that Tweek just wants to make sure no one gets hurt. That being said, the team had to make a rule for Tweek that if someone falls down and doesn’t get up within ten seconds, then he can go out onto the field and help them.

-Tweek doesn’t play sports. As everyone got older and started getting more serious about sports, the amount of injuries increased which really freaked Tweek out so he stopped playing them.

-The last straw was when Jason got hit by a car when everyone was playing football. Jason didn’t die but he did end up in the hospital. Tweek got really mad at Cartman for throwing the football into the road and didn’t talk to him for a week which made Cartman upset because he secretly liked Tweek and thought of him as his friend.

-Tweek does cheerleading because he wanted to do some kind of physical activity and thought that was the safest. All the girls loved the idea of him joining the team but since Tweek didn’t know anything about cheerleading, they had to teach him all the moves so he could get on the team fairly. He’s a fast learner though and he was already pretty flexible so he made the team within a few months.

-Everyone else teased him about it at first, saying that was really gay of him but Stan liked the idea of his boyfriend cheering the football team on at their games. Tweek cheers really loud whenever Stan has the play or scores some points, which is really easy for him because he’s always screaming.

-Even though he doesn’t play any sports besides cheerleading, Tweek’s really good at them. The football coach tried to get him to join the team several times but Tweek always declined. He was also offered a spot on the soccer team, the lacrosse team and the baseball team but also declined those offers because he didn’t want to get hit by any balls. Plus he thinks baseball is boring. He wasn’t offered a place in the basketball team because he’s short, which made him mad even though he wouldn’t have accepted the offer anyway.

-Tweek also still boxes and Jimbo still teaches him. Stan goes to watch him all the time and is amazed about how good he is. Stan tried to learn how to box too but he gave up because he was bad at it and didn’t like getting beat up.

-Stan also loves bragging about how his boyfriend and best friend can beat people up. Craig’s gang also likes to do the same thing but Stan’s gang says that Tweek is theirs which makes Craig’s gang mad. Tweek is basically everyone’s secret weapon since he looks so small and innocent but can fuck someone up.

Art/Creativity

-Stan is only creative when it comes to music, otherwise he’s not creative at all. Tweek is definitely the creative one in the relationship.

-Again Tweek’s a theatre kid and loves everything about theatre, acting, singing, dancing, costumes, make-up, stage production, all of it and he’s really good at it too. He usually gets the male leads in the productions the school does but PC Principal has made him play the female leads a few times which has made Tweek angry.

-Tweek also really likes painting and drawing and likes to paint pictures of Stan along with the rest of his friends. He’ll take pictures on his phone of Stan and his friends playing basketball or football or of them goofing off or even of them just being casual and will then recreate those pictures. 

-The Asian girls tried to get him to draw Yaoi pictures with them but Tweek declined the offer because those pictures always made him uncomfortable. 

-People have encouraged Tweek to sell his paintings to other people because they are that good. The idea of doing that made Tweek anxious at first because he didn’t like the idea of having someone not like his art but Stan encouraged him to do it so Tweek did. He makes a lot of money but he often gets asked to make pictures of him and Craig so he declines the offers and reminds people that he has a new boyfriend. 

-Tweek is really good at baking and cooking. Tweek Bros. is the official hang out spot for the kids in South Park which makes Tweek happy because it’s easier for him to work when his friends are around. He was promoted to baking the baked goods for the shop instead of drinking the meth coffee which also makes him happier.

-Tweek doesn’t make any of his friends pay for their orders because he feels awkward taking money from them. Instead he pays for them. Cartman tries to take advantage of this but Stan and Kyle make sure that he doesn’t.

-Tweek and Stan both love playing with legos (also canon). That being said, they have lego projects they work on together at Stan’s house because his house has more room. 

Other

-Stan is bi and Tweek is gay.

-Stan is tall (6’3) and Tweek is short (5’3) (Tweek is 5’3 because I’m 5’3 and I said so)

-I think either character could confess first depending on the situation. I feel like Tweek would be more straightforward about it, like he would just come out and tell Stan that he liked him while Stan would probably kiss him by accident, exposing himself.

-Stan is the big spoon. Tweek tried to be the big spoon but it was hard because he’s so small and Stan’s so big.

-They are both messy sleepers who move around a lot when they are sleeping so they both steal the blankets and kick each other off of the bed and stuff. In the morning, Stan is halfway off the bed and Tweek is sleeping at the end of the bed.

-They both LOVE animals. They probably volunteer at their local animal shelter so they can play with animals all day. Tweek’s parents are clean freaks so they won’t let him have any pets but Tweek loves Sparky so Stan lets Tweek play with him all he wants. When they move in together, they probably get a dog and a cat.

-They are both big activists. Tweek wrote Put It Down to advocate for victims of distracted driving and Stan did that whole protest in Fun With Veal so why shouldn’t they work together. They are probably really big on animal rights but don’t work with PETA because they think the organization is weird. They probably have their own organization in the future. They also protest about the stupid things that happen in their town (ex. the Buddha Boxes) and help South Park become a better, somewhat normal town.

-Tweek is a vegan so when Stan finds that out, he goes vegan too. Cartman always teases them for being pussies but Stan and Tweek don’t care because they don’t like eating/using animal products anyway.

-Neither of them would want kids because Tweek would find them to be a lot of pressure and Stan would probably be scared of being a bad father to them like his own dad was to him. So they have pets for their children instead.

-Stan would probably grow up to be a football player/coach or an activist. Tweek would probably grow up to be an actor or a baker.

THIS ENDED UP BEING 8 PAGES ON A GOOGLE DOC, OMG IT’S SO LONG!! But I loved doing it because I just love these two so much. Tweek and Stan are tied as my number one favorite character so I ship these too HARD. This was also really good for me to do because it gave me a lot of ideas for fanfictions for these two.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK ANON, YOU ARE THE BEST!! I LITERALLY SMILED SO BIG WHEN I SAW THIS ASK IN MY INBOX!! I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY AND IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[veins-n-wires]

My emotions keep flipping over and over and over within seconds without a break. I’m so exhausted. Nothing is triggering it. It just won’t stop. Im playing games blasting music existing, then pausing to silent scream cry because my head won’t shut up, to numb staring, to back to games, to my head reliving every trauma, to imagining scenarios, to mentally cutting everyone off, to numb and empty, not being able to hold enjoyment in anything.

I’m tired.

Who can I even tell other than the void? No one will understand. It’ll turn into arguments of some sort of people thinking they did something wrong. It’s me, I’m what’s wrong. Then I’ll just get told to get help which is so much easier said than done. I don’t have a car, a job, health insurance. Online therapy is a scam. I can’t even trust therapists because of their authority over me being able to involuntarily hospitalize so I’m unable to trust them/tell them anything because my brain convinces me they’re against me and my bad experiences. Can’t tell anyone that though because that’s automatically labeled an excuse and I just “don’t want help” and want to “be like this forever”. Idk why I’d complain if I didn’t want anything to do with this. I’d love a medication to fix me, I’d be on it for the rest of my life despite almost all side effects it could give me. I have thought about electroshock therapy and decided if that was ever suggested and said to fix me I’d jump on it. It’s not like I’m not desperate. I just can’t be hospitalized. Friends have gotten irreversibly worse from it. Family has gotten irreversible PTSD damage from it with triggers that don’t even need to be related to hospitals. All I can think about is me disappearing into one and that’s when my elderly cat, my sole reason for continuing to live, dies. All I can think about is her thinking abandoned her in her last little thoughts. I get told that’s an excuse too. I’m too paranoid of things for sure, but none of it is about me being afraid of getting better.

Every month it seems I start searching for legit online therapy again. Legit online testing for various mental health problems so I can finally know what other than depression and anxiety I have, if anything, and how to cope whether it be with medications or whatever else. I try and search for the dumb sites like HERS that will just prescribe me shit. It’s all so expensive or too sketchy. I’m just so tired. I feel so alone in searching. I ask for help but I’m left with “I don’t know” “it’s not my job” “you need to be independent” people don’t even see my face or posts or typing changes and see something is wrong. I hardly hide it anymore. On public socials I repost about how depressed I am. I don’t talk to hardly anyone anymore. I hardly leave my house. I hardly play games with others. You can see how little I listen to music. I don’t post art anymore because I just can’t get myself to do it. There’s endless obvious signs I’m disintegrating as a person and everyone’s just walking by forcing me to beg to look at me disappointed for asking. It feels like no matter how I handle anything I’m in the wrong and a disappointment in some way or another. I’m tired of telling people how to love me and especially tired of them still not doing it.

I am going to be lonely surrounded by people my entire life. My body is giving out. Idk how deeper into feeling tired my body can handle. I don’t know who I am anymore. I have no personality other than every human emotion at 100% every second of everyday so intense that eventually it’s numbing. Like sticking your hand in hot water and getting used to how it feels to where it doesn’t even burn anymore but you know it’s still hurting you.

I’m so tired.

[gay-simple-and-chaotic]

huge vent ramble under the cut (my love if you're seeing this I'm just trying to process and get it out there, no need to check up on me)

beginning to think I might actually not just be traumatized and depressed but also have a personality disorder because damn. quiet bpd and avpd both really strike some uncomfortable chords

but at the same time i have too much control for it to be bpd, but I have too much self esteem for it to be avpd,

but at the same time, it's worse than just anxiety because there's so many more layers to it like,

if it was just social anxiety, I probably wouldn't be so debilitatingly terrified of putting myself in a situation where someone might criticize me. (Yet at the same time I've been able to overcome it sometimes! It's uncomfortable, it's draining, and I avoid doing it, but I have done it)

if it was just anxiety, I would have a stable sense of who I am (but I'm young and autistic, right? There's time)

if it was just anxiety, surely I wouldn't spiral into panic when I attempt to set a boundary, and if setting it seems to annoy someone, surely if it was just anxiety, my first reaction wouldn't be to recoil and downplay, to minimize my upset and my struggling? (but that's fawn response, it could be an anxious attachment style, I know I have that)

if it was just any of it, surely I wouldn't be so utterly unable to believe someone when they said they liked spending time with me, when they told me to my face that they don't see me as a secondary/backup friend, right? That wouldn't be this persistent, all-encompassing fear, that even though I like myself (too much too much, have a big head, make yourself smaller or you'll be intolerable and they'll hate you they'll leave you) and generally don't take shit (but you're too outspoken, over dumb things, you're sensitive and you've taken to "voicing your needs" and you're going to push everyone away asking them to do inconsequential things that annoy them, like asking them to not be mean to your favorite character), and show my affection openly to my friends (TOO MUCH TOO MUCH you're going to suffocate them and they're going to leave even after all your attempts to keep them close because you're too much you're TOO MUCH) and love them a lot, surely it isn't normal to be paranoid about your friends having favorites, surely it isn't normal to feel like no matter how much you try to bridge an unspoken gap (that probably doesn't even exist, it's in your head, they were annoyed once and now you're assuming they're holding onto it as much as you are) they're always pulling away faster and faster because all they were waiting for was an excuse to ditch you,

panicking and spiraling and self deprecating, wanting to drive them away but being so afraid, you're not angry you're never angry (except when it's unreasonable and you're frustrated and you want to cry because it's all so unfair) you're just afraid, you want them to go but you NEED them to stay, the thought of them leaving feels like you're dying, your throat is tight and you're struggling to think or act right when it occurs,

god, surely that's not something someone's supposed to experience, right?

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

When I was a kid, as a mix of intrusive thoughts and related real life experiences, I was constantly paranoid that someone, somewhere, somehow, was watching me (among other things.) I would always force myself to behave, look normal, not to pick my nose even if I'm alone, not to say something to myself, not to sigh, because someone might be watching me and ready to judge me harshly for every little thing I did.

Of course, this applied to cameras as well. Every camera I saw had to be on. I was being recorded. That security camera was on, and it was a live feed. That intercom camera was on, and the person inside was watching me, judging me before I came in (or even if I was just passing by, or sitting there.) People had smartphones - they didn't have Tik Tok yet - but they might have been recording me. Somehow, for some reason.

For the most part, this was all in my head. I was paranoid. Living in constant fear. I didn't feel free. I hated myself. Felt like I was constantly doing something wrong.

Because like I said... this was before Tik Tok. Sometimes a stranger might record something outside, but it was not at its height. Video doorbells weren't an actual thing. The intercom camera WAS actually off. But now they're real.

My deep-seated anguish was turned into reality. Though personally, I don't worry about myself too much. I've worked on my anxiety. I'm a responsible adult. But I'm so, so incredibly sorry for the teens with a similar experience to mine, who are made gradually more unsafe, and whose fears feel even more real. It wasn't fun. It could have killed me.

Don't film strangers. Especially don't film kids. This might mean not purchasing this camera that records your neighbours. This might mean fighting the urge to record that kid making a weird sound on the bus to show your friends. The only people you should record are people threatening you, and cops. (If you're dumb enough to post the former on social media and it turns out that the person wasn't being threatening and you were the one acting in a hateful manner, you'll just tell on yourself, so.)

[fluff-and-kura]

Pls DM me ramblings of canon tidbits and lore on scp staff/etc. alternate dimensions and other eldritch things welcome too I just wanna learn without all the draining searching and reading and searching

[alilaro]

it’s weird having social phobia and being an online creator at the same time.

on one hand it lets me share all my thoughts, feelings, and ideas through a platform without much consequence. i join fandoms and make friends, and people give me the confidence and feedback that otherwise i would never have in person. you get to be unique in a sea of other unique individuals.

but on the other hand, in real life doing things like sharing my artwork with another individual instantly puts me into a spiral of anxiety and manic depression. peers could say good kind things about my art to my face and i would probably burst into tears of despair and self-loathe myself for the interaction for at least a month.

but online I do this most days? and sometimes interactions do still lead to panic-ridden breakdowns, but its different, somehow. it feels safer showing things to people on the other side of the world than it does showing it to friends and family. it takes the edge off.

it's nice.

[assaily]

PLEASE give me ur five headcanons of the siblings looking after him i’m so desperate for some whumpy fluff and my brain is DRY

now the fun thing about Five is that he's a total hard ass that has no idea what to do with affection. He also wouldn't always fully understand why his siblings would want to care for him beyond a basic use capacity. Like if his use to them is jeopardized, he would understand them trying to administer medical care to him and would logically accept it. He understands they would try to save his life in most scenarios.

Beyond that it becomes a guessing game for Five, but also depends on the kind of care. There's domestic support care and whump aftermath care. I'm just gonna talk about domestic support stuff because whump aftermath care is less headcanon for me and more fic scenario territory (feel free to poke me about that, too, for another long winded post about my dumb fic ideas).

Domestic, day to day support care would need to be done on the down-low bc if Five found out his siblings were going out of their way to do that sort of stuff for him, he'd a) be embarrassed he's not self-sufficient enough to not need them and Old Man Pride won't stand for that, and b) have no idea how to repay them.

Support things are keeping certain foods around for him and stocked, both as quiet encouragement to make sure he's eating and also for his general peace of mind. Having bottled water stored and general emergency supplies make Five's apocalypse brain feel slightly less paranoid.

Making sure he isn't accidentally left alone for too long. Five doesn't have too much social stamina, but things that essentially boil down to parallel play are important for him. Five does his own thing, and he follows his own schedules, but he appreciates his siblings sharing space with him. Every interaction is important.

For a few more specific interactions, i can't imagine Five trusting too many people with sharp instruments near or around his head, certainly not strangers. So who else would cut his hair but Allison, as she probably wouldn't let him do it himself. She would absolutely take this rare and precious opportunity to give him a head scratch, insisting on washing his hair and giving him the whole spa treatment (or at least as much as Five is willing to put up with). Allison would also be the one making sure Five had other things besides his uniform and pilfered siblings clothes to wear.

Five and Klaus are Bad Day Buddies. Occasionally drinking buddies, but they both try to be the Better Influence, which ends up helping them both out by keeping them mutually accountable. More than that, they both get that sometimes the PTSD just shows up and there's nothing you can do about it. Five hangs out with Klaus during fireworks season, trying to keep him busy and his mind off the (bombs) noises. Klaus keeps Five inside when it snows, makes sure to stick with him during bad storms when Five's paranoia spikes, and the thunder makes Klaus's anxiety sharp like barbed wire. When the nightmares are bad, Five lets Klaus share the bed with him. Cuddling is minimal bc Five doesn't like being clung to in his sleep, but even he has to admit the general closeness of another person helps.

Vanya is only willing to consider picking up the violin again because Five laments that he misses hearing her play. When her confidence in her ability and control is strong enough for to return to it, she starts by playing only for Five, because he asked. He likes to read while she practices. Sometimes, he just sits nearby with his eyes closed, letting the music flow over him.

Oh, and they would absolutely get him a dog.

[bisexualwannabewriter]

“This is killing me” Part Twelve - Spencer Reid x female reader

Summary : You’re working for the BAU, and Dr Spencer Reid is your best friend on the  team. Actually, he’s your best friend, pErIoD. The thing is, you’re not supposed to feel that way about your  best friend. He makes you feel some type of way, everyone in the  team   can see it, except you and him.

In the previous chapter, you put all of your focus on a new case involving a disorganized unsub, with an obsession with conspiracy theories and the existence of “lizard people” within our society. Spencer tried to tell you something about his date with officer Maggie Rowe, and Derek even tried to encourage you to listen to what he had to say. In addition to everything, you overheard a conversation between Spence and Maggie, that left you dubious : the both of them kissed, but it didn’t seem like things were going well between them...

You can find all the previous chapters here.

Chapter Summary : Your hard work has paid off. On the trip back to Quantico though, you and Spencer finally have the most honest conversation you’ve had so far. Your relationship takes a new turn, but things can never go too smoothly between the two of you. Still, after some clarification from Derek, hope starts to creep in...

TW : Violence, death, mental illness, drug use, conspiracy theories, exhaustion, anxiety. It’s fluffy, it’s angsty, it’s romantic, it’s clumsy, the tension is crazy. We’re getting there, people. Slowly but surely.

(Not my GIF)

You caught the unsub in a stupid way, really. He just killed at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Sometimes it happened. You could work as hard as you wanted, know the killer better than yourself... they would just leave one body, in a way that was even more sloppy than the others, and you could catch your man. One mistake, and that was it. It was a good thing, of course, but in situations like this, you never knew what the unsub's next move was going to be. They didn't even know it, until they did it. Your unsub fit in every category of an unorganized killer : below average intelligence, check. Socially inadequate, check. Worked an ungrateful job near the crime scenes, check. Living alone, check. Check, check, check. Your profile, your whole theory on his obsession with lizard people : check. You knew you would have caught him one way or another, as Spencer had managed to narrow down the places where the unsub could have been living, given the places of the last murders. But you caught him thanks to dumb luck. Gabriel Calahan was just a paranoid schizophrenic, whose mental illness had been exacerbated with severe drug use as a teenager. He believed some higher power was ordering him to uncover the truth about those controlling reptilians, who were going to lead us into chaos.

///

On the jet back to Quantico, you sat alone. You needed some peace and quiet. You were exhausted. You really worked your ass off on this case. Derek seemed a bit worried about you, while Hotch and Prentiss were pretty happy with your efforts. Spencer seemed restless, and the bags under his eyes were even darker than usual. His mind was a wonder that worked in mysterious ways, but you could tell he was just really agitated these days. Not telling you what he wanted to tell you, probably took more efforts and energy from him than an average person could possibly understand. You wanted him to go into a peaceful sleep, to forget about what was troubling him. Even in times like this, you just wanted him to be okay. Things were probably complicated for him right now. You somehow managed to get over the fact that he kissed Maggie, and tried to focus on the rest of the chat. It was wrong to listen to people's private conversations, and you lacked context. What they were talking about could mean a hundred different things, and you would know soon enough anyway. The rest of the team was slowly drifting off to sleep, and you were trying to as well, but you could feel Spencer nervously glance at you pretty regularly. At some point, you just gave up, let out a deep sigh, opened your eyes, and motioned him to come join you on the couch.

He sat heavily next to you. You just stayed together in silence for a moment. You didn't want him to start to talk. Because that would be it. You would be having the conversation you had been dreading for a while. Eventually, he had to start talking, and you felt your heart beating like crazy in your chest. "Go ahead Spence, break my heart." was all you could think about. Instead...

"Listen y/n, I know this isn't ideal. But... you have been avoiding me for a while now and... I don't even know if you want me in your life or not anymore. I just... we texted over the holidays and everything, and we hugged like nothing happened when we got back to work but... Things aren't... Things have been weird for a while now, and... I hate it. I hate to see us drift apart like this." You were listening to every single word that was coming out of his mouth as carefully as you could, like someone waiting for their verdict at court. You felt like you were going to get the death penalty somehow. He paused, before starting to talk again. "I don't know what to think anymore. I've been trying to understand, but it seems like my brain... can't function properly when it comes to you." You were going to die from a heart attack, right here and there. On the outside, you tried to put on your best poker face, but hearing Spencer utter those words made your eyes betray you, you were sure of it. You felt exactly like this when it came to him too. How could two people feel things so similarly, and still not understand one another ? He looked so nervous, as he was looking for the right words to say exactly what his heart had been meaning to tell you. " I guess I'm just... I think... Jesus, why is this so complicated ? Just... say something, y/n. Anything."

You honestly didn't know what to say. He said so much and so little at the same time. What was there for you to say ?

"I... I don't know what you want from me Spence... I know things have been weird, and I'm... I'm sorry, okay ? I've been acting strange for the past couple of months, I know it. I just... Of course I want you in my life. And I hate that we don't even know how to talk to each other anymore... You said you wanted to talk about your date ? What does it have to do with anything ?" You tried the innocent card, but Spencer wasn't biting. "Come on y/n... no more mind games. I was trying to get there slowly but... You're not giving me much of an alternative, are you ?" He stared at you, more directly than he had in a while. You hadn't noticed, but he got closer too. You had to fight the urge to drag his face to yours to kiss him feverishly. He was so right, your minds just wouldn't work properly around each other. Something about the way you were looking at him might have given him some newly found determination, because he carried on without letting you out of his sight at any moment, shifting his gaze between your tired eyes and your slightly parted lips. The nervousness was still there, but he was going to say whatever it was he wanted to say, no matter the consequences now.

"As you know, I went on a date with Maggie. It was great. I wanted to have a good time with her. I really did. Everything worked out just fine. It was almost too cliche, how smoothly the evening went." You felt your heart sink in your chest. Yup, there it was, you thought. The end of all hope. "She was wearing this really pretty red dress, and at first, all I could think about was how you have a really pretty red dress too, that you don't put on nearly as often as you should. But then I thought, hey, you're on a date with her, with Maggie. Y/n even seemed happy for you, even though you thought she kind of hated her. So focus on her, focus on Maggie. And I did. I tried." He paused, looking for something in your eyes. Were you supposed to understand where he was getting at with this story ? "I... we kissed. Okay ? I kissed her, after I walked her back home. It was really romantic. The sky was filled with stars, and there was a nice little breeze... I- It was perfect." You couldn't help it, but you wanted to cry. You felt like you couldn't breathe anymore. Why was he telling you this ? It took eveything you had in you to keep listening to him as calmly as possible. "And then... I don't know why, I just... I couldn't... You're not supposed to think so much, when you're kissing someone, are you ? It just makes sense, and you go with the flow. And so... I thought I could kiss her, touch her, and hold her. I wanted to try to take my mind off of... things. But it felt... wrong ? It just felt weird, like something wasn't... what it was supposed to be ?" And then, the hope subtly came back.

You saw how hard it was for him to express himself. What was the point of all of this ? What was he really saying ? You wanted to scream that question, to just demand an answer from him. Your emotions were all over the place. He had a date with Maggie. It was perfect. She was wearing a little red dress, that looked like the one you put on, when you went out of your way to impress him when you went out sometimes. But he had a hard time focusing on the present moment, even as he kissed her, because... ? "What are you saying Spence ?" you murmured as softly as you could, contrasting with the inner turmoil you were facing. He tilted his head to the side, looking almost desperate, silently asking with his eyes why you couldn't understand the true meaning of what he was trying to say.

Behind you, you felt Hotch and JJ move in their seat. The jet was almost back at Quantico. Spencer saw them, and you saw him slouch a little. He looked more exhausted than ever. The determination in his eyes seemed to have abandoned him. "Nothing, y/n. Forget it. I had a date with Maggie, we kissed, but it didn't work out in the end. It's okay. It doesn't matter now." It mattered. You saw how much the whole conversation meant to him. You thought you could understand now. You felt like it was starting to make sense. But you had to hear him say it, otherwise you would never truly believe it. "Spence..." you tried to call, as he stood up. "We're nearly home, and we need some rest. I'm gonna get my things now."

When the jet landed, Spencer barely acknowledged your presence. He went back home as quietly as possible, without letting anyone know he was leaving. Derek helped you with your luggage "You look like you've seen a ghost. I don't understand, didn't he tell you about his date with Maggie ?" You hesitated : "He tried... I don't really know what he was trying to say." He gave you a soft smile and answered "Yes you do y/n. Come on, let me drive you home."

The ride home was pretty quiet. You were both tired. When you got there, Morgan and you sat in silence for a moment, before he told you : "Listen, I know me and Garcia have done enough already when it comes to the two of you. I don't want to overstep on your boundaries. But I feel like you guys just need a little extra push, otherwise it'll take ages." You laughed a little "I thought you said we were going to find our way back to each other at one point or another, no matter how much time it would take ?" He chuckled "Yeah yeah, I know what I said, but listen... what I understood from this entire situation, is that kissing that woman made him realise just how much he wanted you. The only problem with her, no matter how perfect the whole date was, was that she wasn't you. He thought he could be with someone else, he thought he could give her a chance. After all, you showed him you supported his decision, thumbs up and all that bullshit, right ? He kissed her, felt like shit, tried to kiss her some more to get over that weird feeling, started to think about you, got into it, but then she said something, and that threw him off." You were raising your eyebrows at him, questioning what he was reporting. "Hey, me and pretty boy talk a lot, alright ? And what he doesn't tell me, I understand. I see right through him. The rest is just me being good at my job. The only way the kiss kind of worked, was if he was thinking about you. Trust me, I know that. I've been there. You can try and pretend for a little while, until it doesn't work anymore, and you end up feeling like shit because the poor girl doesn't deserve that." You just stayed there, numb with fatigue and the overwhelming nature of what Derek was telling you. You told him about the conversation you overheard between the two of them "I think she was calling him to try and understand why it didn't work out between them, even after that perfect date. Knowing Spencer, he didn't want to hurt her feelings, and he didn't tell her what was really going on." It wasn't like you did either. What WAS really going on ? Morgan answered "Yeah, he vaguely told me about it. My guess ? She knows it's about you. She just needed to hear him say it. Just like you do. But deep down, you know what this all means. You know what's going on." After a little moment, you admitted "You're right. And I knew what he was trying to say, but I just... froze. I can't really... fully comprehend any of it right now. I think I just need some sleep." You paused, before breathing out with a soft smile :  "He tried... he really did..." Morgan answered "Now it's your time to try, pretty lady." You smiled at him, not entirely sure whether that whole conversation was a dream or not, and headed back home to get some restorative sleep.

Chapter Thirteen is here !

[ritsushinbro]

My Critique of Rebuild of Evangelion's Characterization: I originally wrote this post on the Evageeks forum and decided to post it here. It discusses the relationship between Misato, WILLE and the pilots and whether it is realistic and in-character. Warning this post contains spoilers and is very long. Also has references to self-harm and suicide.

With each revelation that comes out regarding the measures WILLE take against Shinji and their own pilots, it becomes more and more unrealistic for me to the point where it's almost comical. Let's go through some of them here:

They wear the explosive DSS chokers 24/7 which will kill the pilots should they risk awakening an Eva.

They are kept in a single room rigged with explosives.

In Shinji's case, he is (intended to be) put in 24/7 solitary confinement with explosives fitted as well.

Shinji is escorted around the wunder whilst restrained on a stretcher. (NOTE: The only time he isn't, is when Sakura takes him to Ritsuko).

It is confirmed in another thread that Misato gave clear permission to the crew for them to shoot Shinji on sight if they suspect he is attempting to get into an Eva. 

Now let me attempt to deconstruct these measures one-by-one:

It is understandable that Asuka and Mari wear DSS chokers because after all they are pilots and there is a risk of awakening. However in Shinji's case, he is forbidden from piloting and so there is no risk of awakening (remember Ritsuko did not think NERV would come after him, so they had no reason to think he would escape). So why place the DSS choker on him? Well we have already established it is simply because they have a resentment against him; there is no special, pragmatic reason. Is this realistic? Well I would say no for reasons I will explain later but I can certainly understand why others may say it is.

I don't think I will understand why they would keep their two main "soldiers" if you will, in an explosively rigged room. I believe others have  stated that from a tactical point, it's an extremely dumb move on WILLE's part. After all, if Asuka and Mari didn't have plot armor, what's to stop Gendo from tricking WILLE into killing their own pilots with these explosives? How would WILLE stop Gendo then? Will they use Shinji? No, for reasons I will state later. And another thing, we know that their rooms were already fitted with explosives so why on Earth would they add extra after the events of Q (when they stopped 4th impact). What do they hope to achieve with more bombs? Make the pilots more "deader" than they already are? In my opinion, this doesn't even come across as paranoid but just plain childish. Is this measure realistic from a story standpoint? No not in my eyes.

We know they intended to put Shinji in a solitary cell as this is what they do in Shin. If it was solitary confinement on it's own, then I believe it would be a realistic measure that would happen in real life. However I believe the writers did not factor in the effects of solitary confinement (especially one that is rigged to explode) on fully grown men; never mind a 14 year old who's just come out of a 14 year coma. Many people think solitary confinement is a walk in the park so I made another post a while ago highlighting why that's not the case:

"I remember when before Shin came out people here theorized that if Shinji stayed on the Wunder, they would eventually softened to him and let him help in ways that wouldn't have involved piloting. However with these revelations it looks like they intended to keep him in an isolated room far from everyone else that is (presumably) rigged with explosives as well as keeping the choker on his neck. Not even allowed to freely leave his cell without WILLE's permission (it is unlikely they would let him out judging from these measures). 

Even though Asuka and Mari were treated like this as well, at least they had each other and were able to leave as they had responsibilities in piloting. But Shinji was forbidden from piloting and was to be kept by himself except maybe being checked up on by Sakura now and again. So judging from these leaks (we will have to wait to properly see the full context) WILLE intended to lock Shinji in solitary confinement.

I have copied and pasted some of the effects of Solitary Confinement from Wikipedia below:

“Psychiatric: Research indicates that the psychological effects of solitary confinement may encompass "anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive disturbances, perceptual distortions, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, and psychosis." The lack of human contact, and the sensory deprivation that often go with solitary confinement, can have a severe negative impact on a prisoner's mental state that may lead to certain mental illnesses such as depression, permanent or semi-permanent changes to brain physiology, an existential crisis, and death.

Self-harm: According to a March 2014 article in American Journal of Public Health, "Inmates in jails and prisons attempt to harm themselves in many ways, resulting in outcomes ranging from trivial to fatal." Self harm was seven times higher among the inmates where seven percent of the jail population was confined in isolation. Fifty-three percent of all acts of self harm took place in jail. "Self-harm" included, but was not limited to, cutting, banging heads, self-amputations of fingers or testicles. These inmates were in bare cells, and were prone to jumping off their beds head first into the floor or even biting through their veins in their wrists. A main issue within the prison system and solitary confinement is the high number of inmates who turn to self-harm. Many of the inmates look to self-harm as a way to "avoid the rigors of solitary confinement."

Physical: Solitary confinement has been reported to cause hypertension, headaches and migraines, profuse sweating, dizziness, and heart palpitations. Many inmates also experience extreme weight loss due to digestion complications and abdominal pain. Many of these symptoms are due to the intense anxiety and sensory deprivation. Inmates can also experience neck and back pain and muscle stiffness due to long periods of little to no physical activity. These symptoms often worsen with repeated visits to solitary confinement.

Social: The effects of isolation unfortunately do not stop once the inmate has been released. After release from segregated housing, psychological effects have the ability to sabotage a prisoner's potential to successfully return to the community and adjust back to ‘normal’ life. The inmates are often startled easily, and avoid crowds and public places. They seek out confined small spaces because the public areas overwhelm their sensory stimulation.”

And this is just for solitary confinement. There are so many other things going on with and happening (or could happen) to Shinji such as the things below:

Shinji being only 14 years old.

Shinji being abandoned and neglected by his father.

Shinji being coerced/emotionally blackmailed to pilot Unit 1.

Shinji seeing girls he cared for "die".

Shinji being in a coma for 14 years.

Shinji being told he has a bomb on his neck.

Being told it is because he is being punished.

Being told he cannot pilot the eva anymore (he is effectively "useless" now).

Have his former co-pilot and friend try and punch him after he thought she was dead.

[Potentially] being told he started NTI and devastated the world.

[Potentially] being told that the girl he tried to save is "gone" and that she was a clone of his mother.

Being imprisoned in a cell (presumably) surrounded by explosives and not being able to freely leave.

Be completely isolated from everyone except when being checked up by a girl who's father he got killed. (NOTE: Mari might want to see him so Shinji at least has her, maybe). 

Have his mother figure (the woman who made him pilot the eva the most) threaten to detonate the choker around his neck and blow his head off when he tries to leave.

With the above list, is it any wonder his head is so messed up? I understand the purpose of these films is all about growing up and taking responsibility but expecting Shinji to willingly allow himself to be subjected to the treatment WILLE had in store for him is pure, unadulterated masochism. Much of what was is written here can safely be considered cruel, inhumane and arguably, torture. 

There is a massive difference between taking responsibility for one's mistakes and just letting the whole world torture you because you did something bad. My main fear and problem with Q and Thrice is that their main theme, which is accepting responsibility, is equated with accepting unreasonably cruel treatment. And I just think that is an EXTREMELY unhealthy message to send to people especially if they are depressed or live in abusive relationships."

When you take all these into account, does it place into perspective how messed up Shinji would have been had he stayed on the wunder? This is assuming that they thought they would never have a need for him, but as we find out in Shin, they needed Shinji in the end to defeat Gendo. If Shinji never left with Mark 09 and Misato successfully kept him "protective" custody, then one of three things would have happened when WILLE actually needed him to save everyone:

A: He would not have been in the mental state to pilot Unit 1 and Gendo would have completely wrecked him due to shit synch ratios. 

B: He would have told Misato and co. to fuck off and die. We've seen this nihilism before from Shinji (after the 5th angel). His incarceration alongside the humiliation and guilt from wearing the choker will have ratcheted up by a million.

C: He wouldn't have piloted because he would have killed himself. There's only so much a 14 year old can take and when subjected to a fate that causes even hardened criminals to resort to self-harm, genital mutilation and suicide, then what chance does Shinji have? 

Now back to my original point, do I think this measure is realistic? I would like to say yes if it was the solitary on it's own, however when combined with the other things, then I think the chances of Shinji commiting suicide is extremely high to the point where it's not believable for him to continue as an anime protagonist. You have to make sure the protagonist goes through difficulty in order to experience growth and change, however if you make it too harsh (to the point of committing suicide) then it seems less believable that they live to continue the story. On a separate note, many people think that Shinji was immature for leaving with Mark 09 the first chance he got and that this is proof that he is, in Asuka's words, a "brat". But let's be realistic, if this story is about Shinji's growth and maturation, then how exactly would WILLE's treatment of him be conducive to that? The truth is WILLE's sheer hostility towards him would have completely stunted any emotional growth and maturation in Shinji and it would have destroyed the point of the film. Also no-one can argue that WILLE would have eventually "come round" or "softened-up" towards Shinji because even after 14 years they still don't trust their own pilots. So yeah, Shinji most likely would have been stuck in solitary with a bomb around his neck until he either killed himself or the war ended (but even this doesn't guarantee his freedom).

Regarding the stretcher business. I don't understand why you have to restrain Shinji on a stretcher when the kid has already surrendered himself and has come voluntarily. Maybe WILLE are just full of bondage fetishists; it would certainly explain the chokers as well. 

If the DSS chokers and the explosive rooms weren't enough, Misato actually gave orders to the crew to shoot Shinji if they thought he was trying to pilot again. At this point, I just think this is just overkill. I mean the kid has a bomb on his neck that prevents him from awakening an Eva, you intended to keep him locked up even though he can't really leave the wunder except with outside help and now you intend to shoot him if you think he'll get into an Eva. The problem with this, is that piloting an Eva requires all the bridge-bunnies to sortie the damn thing. Shinji cannot enter Unit 1 by himself, especially since the thing is being used as an engine so why do they assume that Shinji is capable of being Sam Fisher and sneaking into Unit 1? We see that Sakura and Midori are actually willing to shoot Shinji in 3.0+1.0 and do so when he merely suggests that he pilot Unit 1. But seriously what harm would Shinji have done in Unit 1 considering the fact that Gendo was already going to start another impact anyway? Why actively try and kill (or injure in Sakura's case) the only guy that can save your ass? One cannot argue that they were just being "desperate or panicking" because in Midori's case, she actually takes the time to confirm her orders from Misato. This shows that at least, she was still of lucid mind. This particular altercation just beggars belief in my mind and the fact that Misato actually gave those orders on top of all the other measures is absolutely extraordinary. So as you can imagine, I do not think this was realistically executed.

However, I can already hear some detractors say: "So what? Misato hesitated to detonate the DSS choker and also took a bullet for Shinji. She redeemed herself from putting the DSS choker on him and the kill-order for if they thought he would try and get into an Eva." 

And to those people I say….not really. There is an idiom attributed to Benjamin Franklin and it goes like this: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." How does this apply to Misato and Shinji's relationship? Well Misato wouldn't have had to hesitate to pull the trigger if she didn't put it on him in the first place. Misato wouldn't have had to take a bullet for Shinji, if she didn't give permission for the crew to shoot him in the first place. Let's take this following dialogue for example:

916-929:

Kitakami: "It's a good thing we got Major Shikinami back. But why'd we have to take that disease along with her?"

Aoba: "Just leave it alone. Better than Nerv still being able to use him."

Tama: "If he tries to get into an Evangelion, all hands have permission to shoot on sight. There's nothing to worry about this time."

Kitakami: "Come on, that's all for show. The last time he broke out of here, the Captain couldn't put him down. I've got zero trust about this time either."

Nagara: "He was a kid. I can understand why she'd hesitate."

Kitakami: "That 'kid' caused Near Third Impact and murdered my entire family!"

Hyuga: "Near Third was a consequence of what he did, not his goal. The Captain's doing her best to atone for that too."

Takao: "That's right. She's who Kaji entrusted with Wille, and it's our job to trust the captain."

We learn a few things from this dialogue. Firstly, the older WILLE members are much more understanding to Shinji and Misato's situation: Aoba and Hyuga understand that it's better to keep an eye on Shinji and that he never meant to start NTI, Takao is one who always trusts Misato's judgement and Sumire understands that Misato would have found it difficult to kill a child, especially one that Misato was close with. 

Secondly, it appears that the younger WILLE members (Midori, Sakura and Tama) are the ones that are fearful/hateful towards Shinji (NOTE: Tama is a strange case, he strikes me as the sort of kid that just follows what everyone else is feeling. He might not feel anything towards Shinji beyond what you'd expect). 

Finally it appears that most of WILLE crew members are actually reasonable people and are not the extremely desperate and paranoid individuals some people on the forum believe. Remember this is AFTER Shinji started the 4th impact in Q. The fact that some of the WILLE crew members speak of Shinji in this way, show they are capable of understanding. Most actually trust Misato and respect her judgement except for Midori, who questions Misato's capabilities in following through on her threats. 

Which brings me to my next point. Misato has had no hesitation in pulling rank in the past. In 2.0, she even has an altercation with Ritsuko, her best friend, right before they fight the 8th angel. Misato is a woman that will tell even her best friend to STFU, when it comes to doing what she wants. Having said that, (timeskip shenanigans aside) there's no reason why she couldn't have done the same with the younger WILLE crew members. She could have nipped all of it in the bud by telling Sakura, Midori and the rest of them that Shinji was groomed to cause NTI and it was not his fault.

Instead, despite being the captain that everyone loves and fears, she kowtowed to the crew's paranoia and had the pilots fitted with explosive chokers, put in explosively rigged solitary confinement and gave the order to kill Shinji if they feared the worst. This is the sort of thing that drives fully grown men to suicide, never mind 14 year olds that have just come out of a coma. Imagine if Shinji did commit suicide in his cell. Who would Misato and WILLE have turned to in order to defeat Gendo in the end? What if Gendo tricked WILLE into killing their own pilots with the explosives? They would be properly screwed then. If Misato actually cared, as we are led to believe from her hesitation to kill Shinji, then she would have told the rest of the WILLE crew to fuck off, instead of alienating and putting Shinji and the pilots in that much risk. Are we really expected to believe that Misato placed such extreme countermeasures on Shinji just to appease Midori and Sakura? Not likely. This is why I believe that Misato would not have put the DSS choker on Shinji in the first place, and her doing so in Q was extremely unrealistic and out of character, even with anything that happened during the timeskip.

Some of you will say: "Who cares about realism? It's a show about aliens and growing up." While this is true, Anno has proven that he is able to pull the themes off much better when you look at the NGE series. Disregarding the self-contained narrative, it is obvious that the purpose of Q was to bring Shinji to the same point he was at after episode 24 of the series. If we look at how NGE/EOE handled Shinji's depression, we see that it is quite realistic:

The neglect and coercion by the adults in his life, almost dying to angels multiple times, the sexual tension with Asuka, almost killing Touji, finding out Rei is a clone of his mother, Misato putting the moves on him and having to kill Kaworu all culminate towards Shinji's mental state during EOE. Shinji is passively suicidal but it's due to the *situation* and his own introverted tendencies instead of people actively trying to hurt and isolate him. He finds the will to live again due to his mothers words despite knowing just how difficult living might be. If you remove all the Evas and the Angels from the story, the themes that are touched upon (isolation, neglect, misunderstanding) still apply and the audience can still resonate with them. 

The rebuilds however go about it completely differently. They bring Shinji to that same suicidal state by having all the characters/plot actively harm Shinji's mental health by:

Putting him in a coma for 14 years so he is completely clueless. Imagine how groggy you are when you wake up in the morning and then multiply that by a million. 

Have Misato psychologically castrate Shinji by telling him he won't do anything with a look of disdain on her face.

Have Ritsuko make Shinji feel dread by telling him he has a bomb on his neck and it's because he is being "punished".

Not tell him why he is being punished when he asks Misato.

Have Asuka try to punch Shinji after he thought she was dead.

Tell Shinji the girl he saved is "gone”.

Have his "mother figure" threaten to blow his head off for wanting to leave with the girl you just told him is gone.

Have Asuka and Mari attack Shinji in Lilith's chamber even though Shinji was seemingly willing to listen to them had Asuka not kept attacking. (Watch that scene again and you'll see when Asuka learns what Shinji is trying to do, she stops attacking but instead of explaining that he's being manipulated, she just calls him a brat instead).

Even Mari was willing to potentially kill or cripple Shinji with the Anti-AT rounds. (We don't know what the AA rounds are truly capable of because the only time they are used on screen, they don't work. The round cartridges state that they are armor and AT field piercing and have explicit restrictions on their use. The fact that Mari requires Asuka's explicit authorization to use them imply that they are most likely lethal and would have killed/crippled Shinji had he been in a normal Eva). 

Have Shinji's friend's head explode with the device Shinji's "mother figure" actually meant for him. Imagine seeing someone's head explode and then remember that your "mother figure" actually meant that to be for you. That would certainly mess anyone up.

Have Asuka then kick and manhandle him when he is catatonic.

Have Asuka force feed him to the point where he pukes whilst he is still grieving the death of his friend. 

Have Shinji only be escorted whilst tied to a stretcher despite him coming voluntarily.

Have Misato place Shinji in 24/7 solitary confinement in a cell rigged with explosives.

Have Misato tell the WILLE crew to shoot Shinji on sight if they think he's getting into an EVA.

Have people tell Shinji that he's being a brat the entire time for reacting badly to all this.

By having Misato, Asuka, WILLE reject and "punish" Shinji so harshly so it kicks off his isolation and desperation, it makes Shinji's "recovery" seem less believable. Anno himself didn't even know how to make Shinji recover psychologically in 3.0+1.0 and he actually had to ask the voice actors on how to make that happen. The story made the WILLE crew go full scorched-earth and in doing so made Shinji's "growth" and his reconciliation with Misato seem impossible. 

I have already stated that I believe Q represents "Condemnation" and Shin represents "Compassion" and I think both films pull that off brilliantly. But that doesn't mean I think the characters acted in a realistic manner. I do not believe that Misato would have placed such harsh sanctions on Shinji in the first place for the reasons I have stated above. And if she did, I do not believe that Shinji would have easily forgiven Misato (even IF she took a bullet for him) as we see he does in the film. I do not believe that WILLE were merely "scared and desperate" because as the dialogue above shows, they are surprisingly understanding (but still disapproving) of Shinji's situation despite him literally starting another impact. I do not believe that Misato would have bent over to Sakura and Midori's resentment and taken measures against Shinji, just to ease their minds. 

In summary, my main problem with the post-timeskip rebuilds is that I feel they gaslight the audience in thinking that Shinji was just being a "brat" the entire time by having Asuka and Mari say: "You have grown a little/You smell like an adult now." However, the truth is Shinji's been through so much mental suffering perpetrated by the people he cares about, that it's a miracle he's not killed himself. It would certainly break most of us on this forum. The movies seek to show Shinji "finally" taking responsibility when the truth is, the plot went so above and beyond putting him down in such an extreme manner in the first place.

[akindplace]

i’m having a hard time right now. i’ve been through A LOT mentally in my life and i’ve been depressed since i was 12. im verbally cruel to myself. i’ll think about something i’ve said or done or i just say and i automatically call myself a dumb piece of shit. i’m in therapy and i’m on anti depressants but i have no friends and i’ve never had a job before. i’m 26 now and i want to apply to places but i get overwhelmed and anxious. i have anger management problems and i feel like shit all the time. i also don’t drive because of a accident i was in in high school that happened while i was behind the wheel and i feel like a piece of shit because i can drive i just really don’t want to because of my ptsd from that day. so i get paranoid in the passenger seat that everyone thinks i’m just a dumb lazy asshole. i’m lonely and i have so much to be grateful for but i’m ashamed of myself and i haven’t always been a good person. i’ve done some pretty bad shit in my past and i hate myself for it. i talk to my therapist in a couple of days but it’s hard. it’s a struggle everyday. i feel like everyone hates me and my family would of been better off if i was never born😢 i think about how badly i want to end my life but i just don’t know a way i can do it without mishaps happening. i want to be grateful for my physical health and my home and everything i have but it’s hard when i hate myself so much…

Your family would not be better off without you. Yes, you have a lot to be grateful, but it impossible when you are constantly telling yourself how worthless you feel. Sometimes we are not proud of who we became, or who we used to be, but we make mistakes. Anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome makes us feel like those mistakes are unforgivable, when usually people are not just good or bad. We try to be good, and hope we are doing okay most of the time. You are not those mistakes you made, you are not your ptsd, your depression or those intrusive thoughts that tell you so many awful things. I have dealt with a lot of intrusive thoughts before telling me how awful I was and I won't get into much detail but I know now I didn't deserve to treat myself like that. Sometimes, they still creep in. Keep taking your medication and going to therapy but if you feel like they are not working, try changing them, finding something that works best for you. You will also need to learn how to calm your mind down when you are having so many intrusive thoughts. I think it varies from person to person, so maybe ask your therapist. Please, don't wage war against yourself. You are most definitely not all those things you tell yourself.

You are surviving something so awful from a very young age, and that in itself is an achievement. You are so strong. Your thoughts might not let you believe in that, but it is time they start allowing you to. You are resilient. Try to intensify your treatment if you can and focus solely on your health. Clean your social media out of people who make you feel bad by comparison, and people who are toxic to you in real life. Try to find hobbies, things you can easily focus on instead of focusing on those thoughts. Take the time you need, but if you can, try to focus solely on getting better. Don't push yourself into getting better all of a sudden. Don't put pressure into yourself that you should be better soon. Just focus on getting treatment, getting more help, finding some support. Whenever those intrusive thoughts try to get you down, telling you what you should be doing instead, tell them you are focused on healing and nothing else. Don't try to fight with yourself for having them. Validate them as a part of who you are and tell them you don't need them right now. Tell them you are choosing to focus on x thing. It is better than trying to constantly fight them because it's so exhausting, and you might end up shaming yourself for thinking those things. Try to understand where they come from, tell them it's okay to let you go. Meditation can do wonders for that. It may be incredibly hard to meditate, but it might be worth a shot.

Ask for your therapist for more coping mechanisms. There is a very helpful type of therapy called EMDR that helps with trauma. If you can get such treatment, it does help a lot with unpacking the heavy load we carry with ourselves and learning coping mechanisms.

There are a lot of people glad you are here. You deserve to focus on your health until you feel glad about it too.

[littleeyesofpallas]

Hate the sensation of not wanting to overexplain things to friends because thats the socially acceptable way of doing things, but then the brain says no youre paranoid they wont get it your attempts at being "normal" are too vague, and im like "no, brain. I dont think my friends are dumb. I have faith they understand things," BUT THEN I remember all my friends are as nd as me and that maybe they dont get it because I know I get super hung up on things people havent said or how or when they havent said it... So actually maybe I should be explaining myself more??? And we are back at square one no progress has been made. Anxiety has increased tho.