#wow shut up self

[danpuff-ao3]

Sooo...

Fic-Binding.

Is a thing I'm going to learn this year! (This feels really awkward but I can't think of a smooth introduction, so here we are.)

Here on Tumblr was my first introduction to binding fics. It never occurred to me before that people would. I began following many amazing binders here on Tumblr and over on Instagram. My sweet friend Nina bound a short story collection of some of my fics for my birthday last year. And Lila gave me a copy of one of her fics. There is something so very special about seeing fics in physical form! It gives me all the warm and fuzzies!

...only it seems that if a gal wants her favorite fics on her shelf, she's going to have to bind them herself.

Now, I was tempted to share some progress pictures along the way, but I fear that would hinder my progress. My anxiety and perfectionism are strong. I do not like to be observed making mistakes. Even really minor ones. Even worse if people point them out to me, however well-meaning. I live with a deep and abiding terror of failure and judgment. Which...is it healthy? No. Am I working on it? Yeah. But my therapist and I agree that throwing myself into the deep end is not the right method for me, so alas...baby steps!

(Seriously, my partner and I have been together nearly 7 years and only this past year have I begun to try and test new things where he could see me do it. And there is no person on planet earth more supportive or less judgmental than my Eddie.) (But to be fair, when one is taught to hate themselves and see their only worth as their usefulness and productivity, well...The terror is quite real, and deeply ingrained, I'm afraid.)

I will try to take progress photos along the way and share them all in a photo dump when I'm feeling more comfortable and confident. Which is a long ways away as I've not even bound a book yet. Showing my errors should be easier when I can say "look but I fixed it!" By necessity I've become pretty good at teaching myself things, so with luck (and YouTube videos) I can do this!

And in the meantime I can at least write about my efforts!

Eddie, my partner, has been very enthusiastic since I first broached the subject of bookbinding and when my plans to gather supplies seemed to fall through, he agreed to help me get what I needed. He had me put supplies on an Amazon wishlist so we can purchase items when we can. The first purchase I made was the most necessary one, which was a printer. I got a little table to put it on, built the table!!!! (I am not very handy, okay. When I build anything, however simple, it's a huge accomplishment!) I set up the printer. Aaaand was resigned to wait however long until I could start.

...

...and then it occurred to me. "Hey, dumb-dumb, maybe you can start practicing parts of it now?"

Oh yeah! There are several parts to putting a book together. And so, I began! I chose a small fic, Orange Blossoms, to get a feel for how it would look printed out. I followed some online instructions. And it wasn't perfect, but it was in booklet form and I could fold the paper and everything was where it needed to be. Small success!

Then I adjusted the font size and reprinted, because the previous font size was teensy in Scrivener and GIANT in Adobe and on paper.

Next, I wanted to test printing multiple signatures. That one took a bit more work for reasons I can't properly explain. Even now I don't know why the original version was printing out the way it was, with a blank last page. In theory, it shouldn't have done that??

Anyway, I chose In My Veins (In My Blood) for this. Orange Blossom is 3k and fit into one signature. In My Veins (In My Blood) is 7k and I figured I could get 2 out of it. I figured starting small would be better so I don't waste paper and ink while trying to sort things out. Or you know...waste as little as I can.

I fiddled with some settings and such until the first signature printed right. Then I had to mess around to figure out where I needed to insert blank pages, and I changed my mind about where to put my mock copyright and title pages. Once I was happy, I then printed the second signature and then proudly waved them in Eddie's face!

Then, I found a gift card from Christmas and decided: hey, why don't I get some more stuff? Today my order came in and I got: an awl, needles, and waxed thread. Time to stitch those suckers together! I stumbled across a bookbinding video some months ago that I saved, so I pulled that up and went step by step. Measuring and marking where to put the holes. (Nightmare, btw, my brain hates numbers.) (Brain sees numbers and runs off scared; needs soothing and cajoling to come back out and get to work.) (The solution was obvious and didn't require actual math like the YouTuber told me but anyway that's not the point, the point is:) Then I threaded my needle and go to work!

Signature 1 was easy enough. But threading the 2 signatures together was not. First YouTube moved too fast and didn't explain things very clearly. Like...not verbally addressing each step in detail, but also with too many jump cuts for me to really tell what she was doing. But she referenced a Sea Lemon video which I found and was much more helpful!

And now I have 2 signatures threaded together! It's very rough and sloppy, but you know what...it's a first attempt, so whatever. (Look, even admitting that my first attempt is pretty "eh" hurts my soul, but here we are.) (At least you can't see it!)

So that's where I am for now! Eddie's going to peruse my list this weekend to see what he can get, and once I have the supplies needed for the next step, onto the next step I'll go! I do want to bind The White Road as my first actual bound fic, so I can work on fiddling with the typesetting a bit while I wait!

ALSO I ate dinner so late because I was so caught up in learning how to stitch those signatures!! I was like "okay this shouldn't take that long." Hey, self, this is a new skill you're learning. Maybe don't make assumptions. And at least double any time you think something should take. I sure scarfed down my food after that!

Anyway, I know it seems very silly that I'm too scared to show pictures, but even talking about it is a big step. It's like...well if this doesn't work out I'm going to look really dumb, huh? Better keep things all to myself so if it doesn't work out no one is disappointed or judging me or whatever. Much better to come out the gate with something to show, right?

But talking about stuff and sharing stuff is really important to me. It's this like deep inner need I've trampled down for so long, out of fear of seeming childish or silly at best, or at worst boring or burdening people. But maybe this is something some people are interested in. And I'll be generous with cuts and tags for easy skimming for those who aren't interested, and those who are, well...You're welcome to bits and pieces of my journey with me!

Speaking of tags, I've been trying to come up with a name for my "bindery." I thought of "Busy Bee Bindery" because I love bees and am quite busy, actually. But maybe it needs my name in it?? Idk I'm still brainstorming that one. Maybe by my next update I'll have one I can use for tagging! And you know...to slap on my bindings! 😄

[mblue-art]

hhappy pocky day 11/11!! here's some self-indulgence ft oreo man///

[aropride]

u can literally talk abt ur own experiences with transphobia and people being violent or bigoted or cruel towards you because you're a trans man and people will compare you to deranged conspiracy theorists for daring to say you might experience discrimination. it's fucking crazy like what level of internet brainrot do you have to have to think it's helpful on any level to deny someone's experiences and call them conspiracy theorists because they're a trans man and "men aren't oppressed" or whatever

[prismatica-the-strange]

Thinking about if Anakin fully killed Frei. Like... they "fight" and he runs her through with his lightsaber but instead of being immediately horrified by his actions he moves on to the younglings and the rest of the story goes on as canon.

Except!!! Darth is constantly haunted by her Force Ghost.

Everything he does is constantly critiqued and gets snarky remarks.

Just imagining him force choking some empire goon or officer and he hears Frei behind him go, "That'll show 'em. Killing off your staff one by one. Great job Ani."

And he just drops them with an annoyed sigh then turns to glare at her.

And after the og trilogy? When he's redeemed and they're reunited as force ghosts. Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. The first thing he does is kiss her cause even as a sith he couldn't help but miss and love her. And they spend eternity together in the afterlife.

[jamiethebeeart]

:D (I ramble in my tags about this)

[creatrixanimi]

do u ever see some person that you unfollowed for a one-off annoying discourse a long time ago in the wild and decide to see what they're up to now and it turns out they have turned that same discourse you unfollowed them for into their entire personality & ur just like "wow good call. youre fucking insufferable lmao."

[mitamicah]

Sad Micah hours. Yay.

[vse-kar-vem]

how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)

[thelostboys87]

my life hack for running has been to time my playlist so for the cool down at the end it plays tracy chapman - the promise which i have brainstormed so much lover boy to idk why it just triggers something in my brain literally this is the finish line to me when the guy in my headphones says to think about the finish line im like man i can’t wait to hear tracy chapman - the promise and think about my best friends beau and bobby

[professionaljester]

how the fuck do people make friends online lol

[dykecadence]

giant bumper sticker that says "i <3 therapy"

[lavender---sunshine]

in all seriousness i 90% sure im going to quit my job tomorrow and for a while i will have just enough money to live on and will have to spruce up my resume and job hunt and stress but MY GOD i need to do something else because this is making me suicidal

[dykedragons]

good moment

[the-poppy-outie-effect]

well y'all. turns out this ol cowboy is joining the war on autism on the side of autism

[nereb-and-dungalef]

Y'know I realize I should probably just,,, have a masterpost explaining how I learned Russian in case anyone asks. Because "memorizing rock opera lyrics" isn't a lie but it's not the whole story so like. Here it is below the cut

Disclaimer Russian is the only language I've self-studied to a B2, so yeah not a lot of experience but maybe this'll still help someone somewhat. Hmu if you ever need Russian materials or anything mentioned here I am more than happy to help

Lemme start from before the beginning like

6 years ago (2016) I learned the Cyrillic alphabet to recognize the names of Silmarillion characters in fanart and realized that Finrod-Zong exists

4 years ago (2018) NAQT put out a list of Russian language short stories to read for Quizbowl. I went and read a fuckton of Gogol then Master and Margarita and Crime and Punishment landing myself in the Russian literature fandom

3 years ago (2019) I decided to solidly go at it after learning about the concept of a critical language and how speaking Russian gets you state department kudos

How I went about it:

Started making Anki cards with the list of 10000 most common Russian words. Got bored of it.

Realized I could make Anki cards from Phobs comics and started learning some absurdly niche shit. Accepted that if I was gonna be fluent in Russian I had to learn this absurdly niche shit at some point and should not torture myself over what was useful or not. 100% recommend

Did the same thing with Chekhov short stories and famous Master and Margarita quotes

Tried to get into Finrod but watched the 2010 version and didn't love it. Learned the first stanza of the Oath of the Sons of Fëanor anyway

Applied to the NSLI-Y program to study Russian abroad

Discovered Epidemia. Fëanor was the first song I memorized. Tried to speak Russian with a Ukrainian guest using words I'd learned from Fëanor. It was not pretty

Worked through the FSI fast course. 100% recommend, they have free textbooks for beginners in a metric fuckton of languages

Started using HelloTalk and making my language partners' text messages into Anki cards

Fucking everything was an Anki card, I made cards out of the airplane interface when I switched the language to Russian, so much random shit

Also shout-out to Drops, I used the free version and it fucking slapped

Had a Russian guest for a week who didn't speak English and we had a few rudimentary conversations

Discovered Последнее Испытание, memorized a few songs, started watching Evgeny Egorov concerts in class every day, went down the Russian musicals rabbit hole and started watching musicals constantly regardless of whether or not I understood anything

Started listening to music only in Russian, discovered shit like КиШ and Ария

Had a Russian dinner guest who I bonded with over Russian musicals. Decided PI lyrics were a perfectly valid way to communicate. Memorized some more

Met some Russian visitors who overestimated my Russian ability a ton and were super willing to speak with me in Russian and it was just such an ego boost, we bonded over bands and they recommended a bunch more 80s shit

Got rejected from NSLI-Y, coronavirus was declared pandemic, my phone deleted all my Anki cards, didn't do any Russian at all for like a month

Started taking italki lessons

Attended every possible virtual Russian concert (one of the plus sides of covid), would read the chat and repeat stuff other people said like "огонь!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥" "браво! супер!!! 👏👏👏👏" and "*машет фонариком*" it was an entire vibe I loved it

Made a goal to finish Master and Margarita by Halloween

Basically spent the rest of the year getting deeper into Russian musical subculture and reading random shit, started reading Russian fanfic and got a ficbook account, got like 30% of the way through M&M by Halloween and then basically got burned out and gave up on it and started jumping around reading the first chapters of different random Russian books instead

Throw in some movies and cartoons and stuff

Discovered the Lay of Leithian rock opera and became fucking obsessed

Translated it (not very well) and subtitled the soundtrack

Got accepted to NSLI-Y and decided to get my Russian As Good As Possible before the OPI, resumed Master and Margarita and some other stuff

OPI result was intermediate high (equivalent to B1)

Subbed the LoL stream with a better translation

Went to Moldova uwu

In the first month I read Eugene Onegin and The Little Prince in Russian and finished Master and Margarita

Read Crime and Punishment and another book the next month and became totally burned out re: reading

But it's ok bc I was still doing four hours of Russian class a day and I was there for like eight months so you kinda can't not learn

Made a noun case chart to stick in my phone case. Noun case phone case. That plus a formal education in grammar plus daily practice meant I actually learned noun cases

Kept a diary (kinda). Fun to look back and see progress

Read like two more books

I also tried to make friends with locals as much as possible

Started watching interviews with Russian musical stars, realized I could understand a fuckton and my Russian was like actually useful at this point

Got back home and got advanced mid on my OPI (B2 equivalent) which was kinda just,,, yeah what I was expecting. So yeah it's language plateau time for me yeehaw but at least my Russian is functional and I can say I speak it without feeling like an imposter

Uh yeah that's all I can remember

Random advice and stuff if you care:

I uh. Probably have ADHD and. It can work to your advantage if you jump between hyperfixations. This technique works especially well with languages because there's just so much out there and no difference between reading one thirty chapter book vs the first chapter of thirty different books. You don't have to complete a single goal or finish a single thing to the end, just find a handful of things to hyperfixate on and you're set (for me it was Tolkien, musicals, ruslit, and Soviet rock, there was enough variety that I always had something new to run through)

I pretty quickly embraced not understanding a word of Russian and made up a game called "foreigner describes the plot of a Russian musical without knowing a word of Russian" that I kinda miss now that I speak it. Some people swear by only consuming things you understand but it's such a struggle to seek it out and really was best for me to just follow my interests

Your brain has a Very good mechanism for understanding the difference between registers, so don't worry about over exposing yourself to antiquated/obscure material as long as you have other input. Your brain will sort the words into their place on its own, I promise you will not go around talking like Pushkin just bc all you read is Pushkin. Worst case scenario is: all words learned from Pushkin + brain understands these are not conversation words = brain prevents you from talking at all. But as long as you have at least like 10% conversational input your brain will go "oh I heard a Pushkin word in the wild! That means we can say it now!" and since putting a word into a new box is much easier than creating a new word entirely the Pushkin (or rock operas or whatever have you) will ultimately help a lot

If language advice is telling you to stop doing something you enjoy, disregard it. Better to do something inefficient that you like than nothing at all

Have fun have fun have fun. It's ok to sometimes be tired (that's when you're learning the most) but you should never be bored on purpose

Balance reading, listening, writing, and speaking. How you do that is up to you but basically if you get tired of one type of learning or feel like it's no longer helping, try out another and mix things up. All skills feed into each other so it's good to have at least a bit of a mix.

The first few months are the most grueling, there's not as much coasting involved and every day you have to basically choose to learn. So like, try to have some sort of habit at least at first. My personal technique with Czech was to just marathon it for a month until I could actually understand a few words of natural input so idk maybe that's a good idea but time will tell. Most important is to stick with it however you can

Controversial take: passive input (things you can consume while multi tasking that don't demand full attention) is hella important. Maybe you're not in the headspace to do flashcards but you can at least listen to a musical while cooking. Passive input will get you pretty dang far on low spoon days so it's a good thing to put your stat points into. It's nice to have a textbook for active studying bc it is technically more efficient, but a fuckton of music, fanfic, podcasts, and whatever else are a must have esp if you're busy or have executive dysfunction

If you don't force grammar on yourself you might actually start liking grammar

Understand that linguistic features exist ultimately for ease of communication and not to frustrate you. If you're morally opposed to a rule, figure out why it would be helpful instead of letting frustration get in your way

All this is suggestions and if you disagree with me please go with your own instincts bc you do ultimately know what's best for you, I'm not you so I can't actually tell you how to do this

Ask yourself "what do I think would help me most right now" then go do that. Yes right now. You can do this I believe in you.

Also if any of my Russian blorbos sounded appetizing to you hmu I'll give you a reading list

[kisskissbanggang]

how did I insist on being cis for decades when I start talking to an AI and immediately, as is tradition, present myself as a silly manly dude