#yes i am applying for fellowships

[cookiecrumbconundrum]

me, researching the most extremely specific thing: wow, why is there absolutely zero research on this very tiny detail of this extremely specific thing, crazy

[petit-etoile]

Congrats on 200 followers! :D For drabble ideas, how about one where Tav is becoming overwhelmed from being the leader of their group and they end up having a bit of a breakdown in camp, so Astarion whisks them away and dotes on them for the evening to help soothe some of their worries.

i  am  tired  of  being  brave

pairing: astarion/tav wordcount:  1,036 content warnings: none other tags: canon compliant, introspection, character study, idiots in love, established relationship, gender neutral tav, human!tav archiveofourown: here.

tag list: @azrielshadows1nger, @pandimoostuff, @faevi, @microskies, @foreverthemaraudersera, @queenofthespacesquids, @claryvoyantfray, @6doodlaang14, @anne-isnotokay, @itshimbotime, @yeeteth-the-raven, @sessils,@8-opossums, @worryknotdear, @abirdaboxandachippedcup, be added to the taglist here

summary: All you want is to get away from everything. Astarion indulges you.

‘Enough!’ you shout.

Lae’zel and Shadowheart have the decency to look properly chagrined when they peer over at you, frozen as if turned to stone. Shadowheart’s knife dips underneath Lae’zel’s chin, but the pretense of applied pressure goes away. You have no idea what hour it is or how long they’ve been going at it but the little patience you have snaps like a fine thread.

‘We have only gotten this far because we trust each other,’ you snap at them, pulling your nightshirt tighter around your shoulders. ‘But if you want to ruin that, leave me out of it!’

In what is likely the silliest mistake to make, you turn around and march to your bedroll to pick up your hunting knife and then march beyond the outskirts of camp  —  beyond Halsin and Jaheira and Gale and Wyll and Karlach, and Withers who seems to be musing over the situation with faint interest.

If Shadowheart and Lae’zel want to fight to the death, let them! You’ve done all that you can to get the group this far. You’re tired, you’ve been woken up two nights in a row, and you’ve had it with the drama.

You plunge yourself through the nearest bush you can find and sit next to running water, your arms pulled across your chest to keep the breeze from chilling you to the bone. You’re miserable beneath the moonlight. You can’t remember the last time you’ve slept more than four hours.

You almost doze off in the underbrush beneath a tree, but then there’s a hand sliding over your mouth and a body behind yours, somehow wedged behind you once your eyes closed. You gasp and try to reach for your knife, but Astarion tuts and continues sliding between you and the tree. It would be annoying if you weren’t relieved it was him. You relax back against him despite the feeling that your heart is going to leap out of your throat.

‘You shouldn’t fall asleep in the woods,’ Astarion warns you. ‘There are terrible beasts that have made this place their hunting ground.’

You shiver. ‘I didn’t mean to fall asleep,’ you say. ‘I just needed to get away.’

He hums. ‘Did something happen back at the camp?’

It doesn’t do any good to keep secrets, and your other companions had already witnessed it. You tell Astarion about Lae’zel and Shadowheart’s never ending fight. It doesn’t make sense to keep attacking one another, especially since the Artefact is the only reason the worms haven’t burrowed deeper into your skulls. It wears you down every day to keep making decisions for everyone when there are people with better experience. Everyone looks to you no matter how much you wish they’d look elsewhere. You never wanted this fellowship to hang on your every word. You just wanted allies.

‘It’s hardly fair,’ Astarion agrees. ‘To have the weight of this…Absolute sitting on your shoulders. I can’t imagine what it must be like to wrangle us all into cohabitation.’

‘Some discomforts are easier to resolve than others,’ you say. ‘It was easy making everyone throw their stakes away.’

‘I’m fairly certain Wyll kept his,’ Astarion snorts.

‘Yes, but he doesn’t wake us all up holding it at your neck,’ you say, elbowing him. ‘They don’t have to become friends or lovers or anything of the sort. They just have to get along until we arrive at Baldur’s Gate.’

Baldur’s Gate still seems so very far away. Acknowledging this drags you down more than you wish it to. You’re tired of walking and fighting and lying your way out of every other conflict. You miss your family and your life before the worm. The only good that’s come of it is Astarion. He lets you lounge on him when you please in exchange for some blood, and…

It’s more than that.

Astarion lets you do whatever the hell you please as long as it doesn’t annoy him. You’re free to nap in his tent or sit at his side while he reads, and he’s even allowed you to style his delicate curls with pomade. He lets you kiss him if you ask, holds your hand. If you asked him to kill someone for you, you’re certain he would without question.

Reluctantly, you sit forward. ‘I should probably head back,’ you admit. ‘I should make sure everyone is still alive.’

‘To the hells with it,’ Astarion disagrees. He wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you back. ‘You close your eyes and sleep. Let them come looking for us if it troubles them that much.’

‘And if Shadowheart kills Lae’zel?’

‘I’m almost certain Lae’zel would win,’ he says. ‘But, I have no doubt they’ll behave. You, on the other hand, are being naughty.’

You laugh but you do as you're told. You worm further in the roots and lean back against him. It’s chilly, but having someone else there does wonders for how willing you are to fall asleep. It’s almost nice how secluded you are away from the drama and stress. You almost wish you were a vampire so that you could sneak out and use hunting as an excuse.

The respect for all you do is nice. Sure, Halsin and Jaheira have both commended you for how hard you work for your age, but it isn’t the same. You still stand in the middle of camp trying to handle things on your own. The planning, the decisions. They somehow fall on your shoulders. A little more input would be nice, or a sign from a god that you’re doing the right thing. You try not to think about it as you feel sleep edge toward your consciousness. Astarion hums softly in your ear, and though it’s uneven, you can’t help but think it’s so off-tune that it’s lovely.

You yawn so hard your jaw pops, and Astarion hushes you, kissing idly behind your ear. It lulls you into an ease you haven’t experienced for a while. You melt into the touch. If you could purr, you would.

‘This,’ Astarion says, ‘is what you deserve. To relax here in my arms. Sleep now, and we’ll deal with what shall come in the morning.’

[shirefantasies]

Hiiii hru? Can I request like the fellowship with a reader who is like a total push over? Like could be stabbed in the leg and would apologize to the attacker or like could literally be freezing but would offer their blanket so somebody who has slight chills. If you don’t want to that’s perfectly fine 😊 thank you ❤️

Yes you can! As someone who struggled with people pleasing for a long time & am still unlearning a lot, I really feel this! I didn’t go full apologizing for getting stabbed but hopefully this is a good representation of people pleasing behaviors 😅 Warnings: some blood/violence mentions, mental struggles implied

The Fellowship + People-Pleaser

Aragorn

“Why are we stopping,” you ask, “did you not say make haste?” “It cannot have escaped your notice that you were just stabbed,” Aragorn replies, gently urging you down and dabbing with stinging but necessary force around the bloody tear at your leg. His voice is hard to read- colored with wry amusement, perhaps, concern most definitely. His eyes shine at the sight of you and his gentle touch has heat rushing to your face. “Why do you think we would force you to bear a burden like this?” Struck. That is the only way you can describe the feeling, what his words do to you. You fear so greatly being a burden that the others see it as a poor reflection upon themselves. Like you think them heartless. You shake your head. “I’m sorry. I just- I didn’t want to slow us down since you said what you said. Never would I believe you capable of any great cruelty, Aragorn.” He nods. “That is not my intent.” His words are barely above a whisper now. “Now rest, please. We all could use it.”

Legolas

Shuffling behind you alerts you to another presence cutting like lightning through the spiraling clouds overtaking you. Panicking, you sniff and wipe frantically at your face with your sleeve, unglamorous as the gesture is. Straightening, you try your best to shakily apply the mask again, lips curving upward as much as you could will them. “What troubles you?” Legolas. Somehow it has, until this moment, escaped you that climbing into the trees was no promise of solitude when a woodland elf called your company temporary home. “Oh, nothing,” you say, cursing the waver of your tone, “nothing.” Brows furrowing, he stares pointedly as his dark eyes are soft and does not let his gaze leave. “Please. No burden is ever truly solitary.” Gaping, you try to come up with a rebuttal, feel too broken and melted to speak. Legolas sits at your side, leg brushing yours. “When you are ready, I will listen. There is no shame here. If you wish not to speak, I will simply stay.”

Boromir

Boromir's brows knitted at your repeated apologies. Breathy words of regret passed through your lips between waves of pain. Boromir's arms were around you, his steps shifting to guide you onto your back. Your leg was possibly broken, trampled in the last skirmish to great pain, and he had taken up the task of aiding your steps. “You did not ask for this,” his reply cut into your stream of words, “how can you apologize for actions beyond your control? You fought well, now come and rest.” “Thank you,” you manage, gritting your teeth as he lowered you onto a bedroll. “You are so like my brother sometimes,” Boromir chuckled deeply, smiling down upon your form as he unlaced your boots, “you need not prove your worth, you know. I care about you solely for what is in your heart.”

Gimli

“You can do anything! A great warrior lies within you! Every hit you take makes you stronger!” You had opened up to Gimli about the harsh words spoken to you in your past. The way you had subconsciously learned to live by them. Stay the desire to let people in lest they hurt you. It was exhausting, but you had been called a burden before and did not wish to be one again. Thus you told him to use those words again. You were used to them, after all. But all you received from the dwarf was staunch refusal. Kind words. Rousing words. “You remind me of my own kin,” he continued, “no challenge ever stops a dwarf for long. The fact that you spoke anything at all, naturally, is your first act of resistance. Thus now as you realize your own strength you can practice spitting it back in their face!” You can’t help the laugh that escapes you, but in the flash of joy something else pierces your heart. Gimli immediately took those words as hogwash. Maybe those lessons had not been lessons at all, but hits just as he said. Maybe there was something to be said for rising better from them instead of lying down.

Frodo

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” you give your characteristic response the moment the others check in on you, unwilling to become the burden they could surely see you as. Seeing as how you gave no strong opinions the others nod and continue on. Taking a deep breath, you walk on as well, at least until an arm falls gently across you in restraint. “Why do you always do that?” Frodo asks, eyes imploring. “Do what?” You reply, unsure what you have done to bother him. “Put yourself down so,” he answers, “act like your say has no value. They would stop for you, you know.” “I…I do not wish to be the reason we slow,” you stammer out, voice quieting. Frodo just shakes his head at your words, hand reaching up to grasp your shoulder reassuringly. “Do not doubt our love for you,” he tells you with a small smile, “after all, it is not a thing that is bought and sold.”

Sam

“Oh, Sam,” you hold back a sneeze, “I love them!” “Really?” He doesn’t look convinced, starting to retract the hand holding the flowers giving you the unfortunate reaction. “Of course, why would I not?” Cocking a brow, Sam shot back “Because my mother was always having a bad time with these lot and you just gave the same twinge of your nose as she did. No need to lie over it, I’d love to find you some new ones.” Your face and head fell. “Sam, I am so sorry, truly I-” “You can’t control it,” he chuckled, “besides, the apology is mine if you felt like you needed to lie. You never have to lie to me, ok? We can work it out together.” His eyes shone and all you could do was smile and nod.

Merry

"No, no, really, take it.” Insisting, you hold out your blanket in a shaky hand as you peer beseechingly into Merry’s eyes. His brows furrow faintly, but no annoyance or even confusion crosses his face, only…concern, a look as though you held out your very soul. “You really don’t need to do that, you know.” Now it is your turn for an expression fading into concern, brows knitting at more than just the chill wind whipping the trees. “Do what?” The hobbit places one hand upon his hip, the other giving an accusing little wave. “Offer up your blanket and think to leave yourself none. I thank you, but really. You have needs, too, you know.” Both his face and tone soften upon those words, punctuated with one step closer. “And they’re no less important.” No one said such things to you. Perhaps they even came with some disbelief, a grate on the way down like a wrongly swallowed pill. But the way Merry said it: it was clear to you he believed it, and that fact alone gave you pause. “O-oh. Alright. Thank you,” you replied softly. “Of course. And if you’re really so concerned,” he gave the rakish smile that always had your heart leaping, “we could always share. If you were comfortable, of course.”

Pippin

“Oh, Pippin, I’m so sorry.” “What ever for now?” No malice colors his voice, only pure amusement and its usual jolly lilt. He peers at you with brows raised and green eyes wide as you glance down. “I’ve got to reach over you really quickly here.” “That’s it?” “Well, I was getting in your way and-” “If that is getting in my way, do your worst. In fact, you don’t have to be sorry. You don’t have to be sorry for accidentally stepping in front of me, either, or not realizing you spoke at the same time as me… wait,” stopping., Pippin gapes at you, “do you think I don’t like you? I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth!” Your heart flipped. How could he even consider that you would think that? You just felt like you were in the way all the time. Apologizing was something you always had done. Just in case. “Oh, no, I just…. Well, I suppose it’s silly,” you trailed off. “Oh, no,” Pippin grabbed your faltering hand with a shake of his head and a grin on his face, “no more apologizing on my watch, alright?”

[skamenglishsubs]

Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 2, Episode 4

This episode picks up immediately after the previous one, Felice has fled Wilhelm's room and he's panicking...

Subtext: Not sure if he writes that to reassure Felice, or himself. Or maybe both?

Subtext: Either way, Henry totally snitched. Maybe he just told Walter, who then snitched, but no matter, the secret is out, and now everyone knows.

Subtext: Since Sara has never dated or even pursued a guy before, she's completely clueless on how it's done, and doesn't really understand sexting emojis. I use Urban Dictionary to figure out what the dang kids these days are talking about, and 🍑 means booty! You're welcome. This is an educational Tumblr after all.

Subtext: This episode is littered with hints about Stella's sexuality, and it's kinda telling that she's a lot less bothered about others seeing her make out with Fredrika.

Culture: It totally is. Sweden has imported a couple of retail holidays from the US, Valentine's is one, but it wasn't really a thing until the 90's, and it's pretty watered down compared to that. There's a lost in translation here as well, because in Sweden the day is called Alla Hjärtans Dag - All Hearts' Day, but the Hillerska tradition is called Valentindagen, which literally means Valentine's Day, which is not the same thing as the retail holiday.

Subtext: Oh look, it's the Theme™ rearing its ugly head again! Instead of examining crappy traditions, the students are just perpetuating them mindlessly. That everyone was "a bit sexist" in the 1700's is no excuse to keep the bad parts of this tradition.

Subtext: To the other girls, Marie Antoinette is seen as a positive example of the time period because of the ostentatiousness and nobility, but Sara doesn't quite make the same association, and only remembers her for being decapitated during the French Revolution.

Subtext: She lied, like a liar.

Subtext: Walter's slightly desperate strategy also applies to Wilhelm. If Simon says no, Wilhelm has no plan B.

Subtext: Oh look, the Theme™. We're on a roll here!

Subtext: The chant that Walter starts goes "Alla är lika mycket värda" in Swedish, which is sort of how the Universal Declaration of Human Rights start in its Swedish version. This egalitarian phrase pops up in tons of places and mission statements where people and organizations want to emphasize human rights, and is very familiar to most Swedes. But then the chant continues about how only very few people are allowed into Forest Ridge, making a mockery of the implied equality. Because of course these rich assholes think they have more worth than everyone else.

Subtext: Earlier I reblogged a great post by @randomsmilingpotatoes about how this season shows us easier, simpler relationship alternatives for both Wilhelm and Simon. This scene is one example of that, because it shows that if Wilhelm had been straight and going after the other rich girls at school, all the Forest Ridge boys would have celebrated him, included him in their fellowship, and cheered him on in his "conquests". Everyone knows he had a thing with Simon, but because he's a boy, and not rich, they're not celebrating Wilhelm for that.

Subtext: As usual when Simon feels hurt by Wilhelm's actions, he reactively reaches out to Marcus.

Subtext: Marcus comes to the rescue and treats Simon to a lunch that is more appropriate to their social class, they're having pizza on the hood of his car. This is another example of how a relationship with Marcus would be simpler for Simon, here he doesn't have to mind his table manners unlike at the formal luncheons at Forest Ridge where he'll always be an outsider.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Of course Marcus has a Wunderbaum air freshener hanging in the rear-view mirror, like the low-brow pleb he is. I, on the other hand, am a man of high class and refined tastes, so I have a Pusheen air freshener in my car instead. Om nom nom ice cream.

Subtext: Yes Marcus, that is exactly what Simon wants to do.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: I'm cackling with laughter at Sara's expression as she tries - and fails - to take some sexy selfies.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Whoops, can't have a horse plushie in the sexy selfie, so she quickly throws it to the floor before continuing.

Culture: They're playing Spökboll, a Swedish version of Dodgeball, and a staple of many a gym class. Also, angry, jealous Simon has great aim!

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Simon's eyes are up here, Wilhelm. Stop ogling his body.

Subtext: In Simon's defence, it was Marcus who surprised him with that kiss, it wasn't exactly mutual. Wilhelm doesn't know how much Simon is actually struggling with moving on, but Simon isn't dispelling the notion either.

Subtext: Previously, the Queen emphasized how anyone dating Wilhelm has to deal with his position, and later in this episode both Felice and Nils will say the same thing. This is the point where Wilhelm realizes that maybe it'll never work out with Simon if this is non-negotiable on his part, because Wilhelm can't stop being a prince. And since Wilhelm walks out of the argument, Simon realizes at this point that he maybe went too far, Wilhelm might actually move on after this.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Wilhelm makes a hilarious puppy face when asking Felice to forgive him. Her calling him out on his enormous selfishness was pretty satisfying though, and well earned!

Subtext: And again, yet another example of easier alternatives for Wilhelm. There's no shortage of people who would want to date him because he is a prince, unlike Simon who is doing the opposite, making that relationship much more difficult.

Culture: Traditionally, there are fourteen lines in a sonnet. Each line also needs to be in iambic pentameter, and the whole thing needs to conform to a rhyme scheme. The most well known composer of sonnets was William Shakespeare, who mostly used the ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme scheme.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Vincent never misses a chance to put down the other boys, and I can't help but laugh.

Subtext: This episode really piles on the relationship alternatives, and here comes Nils with his suggestion: Keep everything on the down-low. Be gay, but discreetly. Hook up with guys, quietly. Go to private, upper-class gay parties at some exclusive ski resort in Switzerland, and meet guys who in the same situation and that can keep quiet. You don't have to be out and proud, no-one needs to know.

Lost in translation: Nils uses "gay" here, which in Swedish has a less strict meaning than the English word gay, where it usually only refers to a homosexual man. In Swedish though it can mean "not straight", so who knows how Nils identifies.

Culture: Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, isn't high profile enough for you, Nils? But he has a point, it's rare for people in that position to be out and open about it.

Culture: He's not wrong, it would be world news. I don't think there's any immediate family in the line of succession in any European monarchy that is openly queer. However, there's currently over 30 royal kids throughout Europe that are Gen Z or younger, the odds of every single one of them being straight is pretty much zero, so there's a chance that we'll actually see this in real life soon. Fingers crossed! 🤞🤞

Cinematography: Not content with dropping hints about Stella any longer, the show implicitly tells us that she wrote the poem to Fredrika by focusing on her face and her reaction.

Subtext: ...and follows it up with more hints in her dialogue.

Subtext: August has no qualms about standing naked in front of the window, with the curtains open. He doesn't need to hide his relationship with Sara, if someone were to spy on him, he'd be celebrated by the other guys instead.

Subtext: Even though August started the episode in a great mood after having the meeting with the Queen, here the trap of royal duty begins to close around him, and he realizes that it's not all positive. If he's going to be the spare, the royal court needs to control his future as well. Ten years sure sounds like a prison sentence.

Subtext: No, he lied, like a liar.

Subtext: As if the show hasn't already used Jan-Olof as a personification of systemic homophobia, here it's made explicit. The court needs for August to be straight, otherwise their backup plan might not work either.

Subtext: For Sara, this is possibly something she's heard her dad promise before, and that didn't turn out so well.

Subtext: Sara makes up an excuse for not going with August to the ball, but the real reason is because of loyalty, she promised the girls to go with them. She's also dating her best friend's ex behind her back, which is pretty disloyal as well.

Subtext: Felice is talking about Wilhelm, but now that Sara knows that August is Wilhelm's spare and a future royal, this suddenly applies to her too.

Subtext: Felice is loyal to her friends, which is why she turned Wilhelm down.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Vincent being his usual hilarious horrible self.

Culture: In Sweden, the drinking age is 18, so only the third-year students are allowed to legally drink. But since this is an official party for the entire school, the staff can't serve alcohol to the kids, which is why a lot of them are pre-gaming in the dorms.

Subtext: For August, dressing up as a noble is something he enjoys. He's always wanted more status, and now that he's Wilhelm's spare he's got it.

Subtext: ...while Wilhelm hates it, he hates having to dress up and play the part, because it's that exact thing that is stopping him from having a relationship with Simon. But at this point he's pretty much resigned himself to his fate, so he puts on the makeup and the dress, playing the part of a real prince, crying while doing so.

Subtext: August is normally a pretty confident guy, but here we see him being insecure and anxious for the first time, because he's actually in love with Sara and is afraid of fucking up his carefully planned classy little pre-party champagne date with her.

Lost in translation: Sara writes "Vi kan inte ses mer", which means "We can't see each other any more", which is actually kind of a break-up message. But the English subtitles make it seem like she's just standing him up for this one party.

Subtext: Simon was planning to only do his performance and skip the rest of the party, because he knew Wilhelm would be there. But now that Marcus shows up, ready to go to the party for Simon's sake, he changes his mind.

Subtext: The fish do have names, it's just that Simon associates that with a very happy memory of Wilhelm, and he's clearly thinking of that here.

Culture: We need to have a small intermission here, talking about the theme for the masquerade ball, and how this relates to the show.

In the early 1700's in Sweden, despite early successes defending Sweden on the battlefield against Denmark-Norway, the young king Karl XII embarked on a disastrous campaign against Russia that ended in defeat and weakened the military. On his return to Sweden he started a new campaign against Norway, but died in battle there soon after in 1718, which pretty much led to the end of the era of the Swedish Empire that had started a hundred years earlier.

These defeats and loss of military power made the monarchy pretty unpopular among the people, so when queen Ulrika Eleonora took over the throne after her childless brother, she was forced to give up a lot of power to parliament, and no longer had the unchecked power to rule over the country. The early to mid 1700's was also the time when the Age of Enlightenment swept over Europe, and philosophers like Voltaire and Rousseau spread ideals of liberty and equality and brotherhood, which in France ultimately resulted in the bloody French Revolution at the end of the century.

But In Sweden, these ideas led to the Age of Liberty, an era marked by rationality and science and civil rights, and Sweden started progressing into a proper constitutional monarchy, ruled by law instead of the whims of the current king or queen. However, parliament became more and more unstable, and in 1772 the newly crowned king Gustav III seized power from parliament in a coup, rolled back many of the recent changes, and restored the absolute monarchy.

And that's the dude in the painting above, sitting on the left, together with his two brothers, Prince Fredrik Adolf, and Prince Karl. This time period is the theme of the ball, and all the kids are wearing similar clothes; French fashion from the late 1700's, powdered wigs, cravats, tricorne hats, pearls and all. Because of course an upper-class school like Hillerska would rather celebrate a period marked by a strong monarchy and absolute rule, rather than that egalitarian wishy-washy nonsense of the earlier era.

In further parallels to the show, Gustav III was probably gay, had gay lovers among the nobility, and might not have been the biological father of his children, due to difficulties *ahem* performing the necessary act with his spouse, Queen Sofia Magdalena.

The king was a huge supporter of culture and arts, and under his rule, Sweden got its first opera house, its first ballet company, and a proper drama theatre, all of which are still in operation today. The king even wrote several plays and a few operas himself, and spent a lot of time directing these plays as well. However, him spending more time on his hobbies than actually ruling the country, combined with certain political reforms he pushed through, made him deeply unpopular among the nobility. So unpopular in fact that several nobles got together in a conspiracy to assassinate him. The king was shot at a masquerade ball in 1792 and died of the complications two weeks later.

All the conspirators were caught, the man who pulled the trigger, Jacob Johan Anckarström, was executed for treason, and a number of co-conspirators were either jailed or exiled. One of the leading co-conspirators' name was, and I shit you not, Claes Fredrik Horn. What's August's last name in the show again?

This lesson about queer Swedish kings in history is now over, back to the show.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: An alternative to pre-gaming is to smuggle in alcohol to the party and spike your own drinks with it. Fredrika Stella hid a pocket flask in her dress.

Blink-and-you-miss-it: Stella is wearing a very anachronistic dollar-sign necklace. It does look fabulous, though!

Subtext: Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Stella doesn't dare make that gamble, and is instead settling for the unfortunately very common queer trope of secretly pining for your straight best friend.

Subtext: Throughout the entire party, Simon makes it so obvious that he's not into Marcus, and is just using him to make Wilhelm jealous.

Subtext: Marcus is pretty oblivious though, and he can't wait to get the hell out of this place, he's not comfortable, he wanted a quiet date-night at home with Simon, but this was the only way he could get Simon to spend the night with him.

Subtext: Throughout this not-really-relationship, Marcus has insisted on setting the pace, and here he does it again. He has now decided that they should have sex, which is why he showed up to this thing in the first place, and is nagging Simon to sleep at his place, while completely ignoring all the signs that Simon is on a completely different page.

Subtext: Alexander is completely in the dark here, he thinks Wilhelm and Felice was a serious thing, and he thinks that August still has feelings for Felice.

Subtext: August is pissed about being stood up by Sara, so he reverts to his usual scheming self. Planning the downfall of the king at a masquerade ball? Didn't I just write about something like that a few sections ago?

Culture: The tall thing in the middle of the table is called a Krokan in Swedish, which is more of a decorative almond cookie thing than a cake. The pink marzipan cake is called an Operatårta, which is a pink variation of the even more classic green Swedish princess cake. If you live near an IKEA, you can usually find mini versions of these in their restaurant.

Subtext: It's kinda ironic that Marcus has more in common with Wilhelm than Simon, but what does Simon and Marcus have in common, really? They clearly have completely opposite tastes.

Cinematography: Out at the party the lighting is pink and warm and romantic, but in the kitchen there's a sickly fluorescent glow instead, and it's filled with modern things that completely clash with the theme of the party. Wilhelm tried putting on a show, but as soon as Simon is out of sight, he throws away his cake and escapes the fake dressed-up environment by going into the kitchen, where we see his real feelings.

Subtext: It was at this exact moment Simon realized that he had fucked up. His attempts at making Wilhelm jealous has completely backfired, and Wilhelm is now finally letting go, just like he has been preparing himself for the entire episode.

Cinematography: Unlike the first season which featured cute moments between the two of them in almost every episode, this season started with a fakeout dream scene, and has since then withheld moments like this on purpose to build suspense.

We've been seeing both Wilhelm and Simon have intimate scenes with other characters, but there's been no chemistry, nothing in those scenes that make us want to root for those relationships.

But now it's time for the emotional payoff, and the show holds nothing back, it employs every single trick in its book to make us really feel this moment: The action is slowed way down, and all outside sounds disappear. The only thing we're hearing is their heavy breathing, just like in similar scenes in the first season, and the soundtrack switches to the [dreamy electronic music] used in the initial dream scene. The chemistry is insane, you can cut the tension with a knife, and you're all supposed to remember that this is why we're watching this show! This is why we're invested in this couple!

And then they kiss.

Can you breathe again? Do you need to take a cold shower? Alright, let's wrap this episode up. Yeah, yeah, Marcus interrupts the moment, and he sees Wilhelm, putting two and two together, who cares? They kissed! They finally kissed!

Subtext: The idea that no-one picks up on the fact that this song is totally about a lost love is hilarious, because it's so obvious to me. I have to squint and look at it sideways to imagine how it could possibly be about the school, not the other way around!

Subtext: Wilhelm is looking at Marcus at this line, because Simon got lost by trying to get together with Marcus, but just now found his way back "home" to Wilhelm again.

Subtext: He did remove the profanity and he did put Hillerska in there like the music teacher told him, so that everyone understands it's totally about the school! And not about Wilhelm, nuh-uh!

Subtext: In the same way that Simon's song is about his feelings for Wilhelm, afterwards the soundtrack switches to Beautiful Boy, which is about what Wilhelm is feeling for Simon, because in this moment he could really feel that Simon does love him after all. The way Simon is ignoring Marcus and only has eyes for Wilhelm might be a big fat hint as well.

[albertfinch]

ADDING TO GOD'S CONDITIONS

Exodus 12:13 -- "Now the blood shall be a sign for you on the houses where you are. And when I see the blood, I will pass over you; and the plague shall not be on you to destroy you....."

On the night of the first Passover, many of the children of Israel were probably anxious. 

They may have said "Yes! We were told to put the blood of the lamb on the doorposts of our home and everything would be all right.  Is that true?"

Or "Can the blood really protect me? Or How much blood do I have to put on my doorposts? Or Will the angel of death get me if I am fearful?

We do not need to add to God's conditions.  He said, "When I see the blood, I will pass over you; and the plague shall not be on you to destroy you."

He DID NOT say, "When I see the blood, plus your understanding, efforts, obedience, faithfulness and refusal to give in to fear, then I will pass over you."

We are delivered by the blood of Jesus alone.  If we think that it is because of our faith, then we will always be wondering, "Do I have enough faith?  No, it is the blood alone that saves.

Saves from what? -- anything that doesn't match up with heaven.

Matthew 6:10 -- "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

If we think that our deliverance depends partly on God and partly on us, we will not have a settled peace in our heart.  But when we know that it its the blood alone that saves, we will have an unshakable peace.

APPLYING THE BLOOD CONTINUALLY

Zechariah 9:11 -  "As for you also, because of the blood of My covenant with you, I have set your prisoners

free from the waterless pit."

1 John 1:7  -  "But if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one

another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin."

God commanded Israel to keep the Passover continually and to apply the blood even after coming into the promised land.  And so it is with us – the blood of Jesus must be applied continually on our lives.

TRIUMPH IN THE BLOOD

2 Corinthians 2:14  "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place."

The attitude of those who live from the triumph of Christ is different than those who live under the influence of the past.  The only part of the past that I have legal access to is the testimony of the Lord.  The past is dead, buried, forgotten and covered under the blood which is more than sufficient.  Living from the victory of Christ is the privilege of every believer.  This realization is at the foundation of a church that will triumph even as He has triumphed.

Hebrews 9:12 & 10:12 -

"Neither by the blood of goats and calves, but by his own blood he entered in once into the holy place, having obtained eternal redemption for us. But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down on the right hand of God."

The apostle John wrote, "They overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death." (Rev. 12:11).

         The elements of victory are recounted to us in this passage.  They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb:  This means we no longer are fighting FOR victory but we fight FROM victory.  Being triumphant is assured when we enter the battle.

ALBERT FINCH MINISTRY:

[octopustoaster]

Told my mom that I applied to a fellowship to study lesbian vampire representation in modern media and she sighed and went “are you trying to become the world’s leading expert in lesbian vampires? Your room is filled with books on it, you’ve written a dozen papers, you’ve taught a class, and now you’re applying to a fellowship. If people ask me what my son does for a living am I going to have to say he studies lesbian vampires?” Like yes sorry that is what the answer will be <3 Don’t worry mom when I finish my fellowship and publish my book on lesbian vampires that 3 academics will buy you’ll have something to show for raising me.

[quotidian-oblivion]

Y'know in Fellowship of the Ring in the chapter 'A Knife in the Dark', they hobbits with Strider were passing leaving Bree, right?

Well, there's this part in the chapter:

The flies began to torment them, and the air was full of clouds of tiny midges that crept up their sleeves and breeches and into their hair.

That part right? The flies are mosquitos, right? SO, why did my dumbass read the next line as this:

"I am being eaten alive!" cried Pippin. "Midgewater! There are more midgets than water!"

Yes, I purposely misspelt it. I'm so smashed and tired that my eyes cannot compute new words. I burst out cackling so hard and ran to show my dad (cuz he's the one I geek out to most of the time) and nearly tripped on my face by how fast I was running. He made a new insult, "Idgit." A combination of idiot and midget.

So now I know two ways to insult people. Both of which apply to me too. Cuz. Y'know. I'm short.

[redpiperfox]

It is a good idea, I think, to organize and verbalize one's thoughts when words and organization are suddenly available. To one. That one being me.

I admitted to myself a couple nights ago that ᴵ ᵐᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵇᵉ ᵇᵘʳⁿᵗ ᵒᵘᵗ and after a proper breakdown, I find myself in a multitude of clear and rational thoughts of processing that had escaped me for so many weeks.

So basically, I present:

Ranting, but Maturely and Diplomatically, and using two songs to Convey Emotional Processing, because I am a Nerd and a Philosopher and have No Business being in a Science Field as my major

An Essay by Red

I am not a person taken by regret.

It doesn't fit in my worldview, my faith, or my personality. Granted, I might be a little extreme about it, but I genuinely find no good reason to look back on things with anything but gratitude and respect.

As a Christian, this stems from the simple idea that God is good, God does good, and the tapestry looks ugly on this side, but hey, He sent Joseph to slavery, Job through extreme loss and depression, and Jesus to the cross, and look at the beautiful stories He weaved from that. Who is the clay to shake it's fist at the potter, y'know?

But it is very, /very/ hard not to look at things and be regretful these days.

In summary, I am three out of four years into a program that looked very shiny and new when I applied. Currently, past me is looking very naive, and should have kept her nose to the ground and did what everyone else did and joined an established program.

...But I won't say that to past me, and I won't let current me dwell on it.

Allow me, if you will, to bring you through a very difficult path with two songs.

I did not vibe with this song when I first heard it. Again, regret? Resentment? Doesn't sit well with me. But today...

I do a funny thing where I rewrite romances into metaphors. I'm able to breathe a lot of TSwift easily this way-- she's a brilliant lyricist who writes one thing and paints it with such emotion that it becomes relatable no matter how outrageously unique the situation or story is.

My story is grief over my major. This beautiful new chapter of my life, which cost a little extra to get into, a little extra hope that the program would take off, and had a little bit of forbidden intrigue to hook me in.

Would've, could've, should've played it safe, but she danced with the devil to play with destiny and chance.

Where I find myself stuck in a time loop, is in the mournful heartsong between the bridge and the last chorus.

This year has already pulled me away from fellowship in the Church, from staying and ministering to people, from serving, from being emotionally available to people who I know need me, and yes, I would've stayed on my knees, in a solid and secure place if I hadn't made this gamble and found every hour suddenly something precious that no longer belongs to me. It belongs to my books, my lessons, these modules, to studying more, harder, faster.

Nineteen tipped from romantics to harsh reality.

Girlhood has officially been ripped from my fingers, replaced by the stress of adulthood. Give it back, it was mine.

I can't sleep well, I'm tired during the day-- the list goes on. A good description of my feelings? Sit with an empty head and let Taylor's panicked voice in the chorus and bridge and the breathlessness towards the end wash over you. It's like defending the unworthy, tripping over my words and falling short, because I really had no idea what was in store for me.

Honest truth? Being busy was fun the first two years. Being in uniform is bedazzling. Being in the workforce is amazing.

But "now that I'm old, I'm scared of ghosts." And let me tell you-- I fear nothing. Past and present. Another personality and worldview thing, I suppose. But this year?

Why hello there spontaneous anxiety, where did you come from? Oh, lack of sleep and overwhelming workload let you in?

How rude, they didn't ask me first.

Perhaps it was when the professors said we needed to learn to cope differently than most, or implied burn out would happen sooner than we expected, but I got lost somewhere in the punchline.

What do you mean this feeling of my soul slipping through my fingers doesn't end? I thought school was the hard part?

Memories of college life are going to haunt me. I have nothing but tears to bring out of this.

Taylor's wailing hit something deep in me today, and twisted it till I found out I was bleeding.

...but then?

For my soul, I sat in on Bible Study (my dad teaches and it's in our home), red eyed and exhausted, and we were in the passage of one woman who falls at the feet of Jesus and weeps, annointing his feet with expensive oil.

It reminded me of another song.

(God bless this man)

Another amazing lyricist, but I'm going to start with the music.

The song begins lamenting, like a funeral dirge, low and sorrowful. It's /crawling/ with grief, and drags us where we're told to be, with little hope or sight or joy about it.

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." But it's before we know what we're getting. "Look upon the bronze serpant" but we don't know we'll be saved.

I woke up Wednesday morning to my alarm, real early, with a full day ahead of me. I love Wednesdays, but not this Wednesday. I was pretty sure I was going to pass out at the most and maybe fall asleep at the wheel at the least.

"Lord, strength. Just give me strength."

Simple line, little prayer in my head, because the only thing I knew to do in weariness was to pray. I was so tired.

He sent a possum to scurry across the road to wake me in the morning, and a truck to nearly kill me in the afternoon. In between? A lady who was very confused and a little boy who couldn't keep still. Oh, and a music lesson where my fingers remembered more than my mind. And a review session where I was given plenty of chocolate to keep me awake.

I lived to tell the tale, so I think He gave me what I needed...? XP

The song builds to another bridge that I find myself caught in: the key shifts, the lights turn on, and the singer lifts his eyes and realizes--

Coming to the feet of Jesus isn't /just/ to lay your burdens down. It isn't /just/ to pray for deliverance and ask in supplication. It isn't /just/ to mourn.

One might come to do that, but once I am on my knees, and my burdens are lifted, my eyes are able to look up, and /see/.

I've seen the darkness and muck and corruption, and when I look up, how much brighter! How much fuller! How much more overwhelming in beauty!

Lament turns to worship, there at the feet of Jesus.

Who looks back on that tapestry, and smiles at whatever it's being made to, while I walk through every stitch as faithfully as I can.

Hallelujah, there's no place for regret here.

Hallelujah, there's no room for remorse.

Hallelujah, /look at how beautiful/.

I'll stop there to keep from preaching.

It's by no means a solution.

Am I still exhausted? Yes.

Has this made my workload go away? No.

Do I feel a little less burnt out? ...ᴹᵃʸᵇᵉ

But I sat today, after three or more weeks of a long process of burn out, that certainly doesn't magically evaporate today, I found my tears marking a tipping point.

My words, which had been held captive under some spell of anxiety, had suddenly come loose. Emotional stagnation finally burst into a thousand little fires which I can /feel/ and be burned by. The skin is sensitive and raw, but that means its human.

And I can sink back into what it feels like to be me.

I don't regret being here. I can only look down at my feet...

...and make the next right step. Knowing it's already laid out for me.

[shatterstar]

are you still working on your spiral epic? (the lives and deaths of rita wayword)?

YES of course tltrw never dies. But I am taking a break due to working on my NSF GRFP application (which is a fellowship aka funding for graduate students that you can apply for at the same time you are applying for PhD programs and it helps you get in because you’re already funded when you start) and my grad school applications but once those are all taken care of I will be able to continue working on it in earnest

[yhwhrulz]

Worthy Brief - April 24, 2024

The blood must be applied!

Exodus 12:12-13 For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD. And the blood shall be to you for a token upon the houses where ye are: and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt.

As our family prepared and led a Passover Seder a few years ago, the Lord reminded me of a truth which I had understood, but never had seen so clearly applied from the Passover story.

Of course, the celebration of Passover for believers normally emphasizes the revelation of our Passover Lamb -- the Lamb of God, Yeshua, who was delivered up, a Lamb without blemish, and sacrificed in our place as an offering for our sins. As Israel celebrates deliverance from slavery, we celebrate deliverance from the bondage of sin. We celebrate knowing that death no longer has power over us since we pass from this temporal world into the eternal when we die.

Furthermore, when the children of Israel were passed over, while each of the firstborn of Egypt died, Israel did not depart as penniless slaves. They left carrying with them the riches of Egypt! Likewise, we who were spiritually "penniless" when we came to the Lamb, instantaneously inherited riches beyond our imagination. These are two of the wonderful lessons from the Passover event.

As I studied in preparation for our Seder another truth has struck me powerfully-- the blood needed to be applied! If the children of Israel had merely believed in the power of the lamb's blood, and the word of Moses, but never applied it to their doorposts, the angel of death would still have killed their firstborn! A passive belief in the blood would not have saved them -- action was required -- the blood needed to be applied to their doorpost. Once the blood was applied, a line was drawn across which the angel of death could not pass!

Most of us have an understanding of the power of the blood. But are we actively applying the blood to our lives and circumstances as a hedge of protection around us? No, not as a magic formula, but prayerfully in the spirit, as a cleansing and protective reality over our lives, families, loved ones, homes, cities, and nations.

Assume your authority as a child of God this Passover season, and apply the blood over any area of your life that needs His supernatural protection and provision. Don't take a passive approach in these last days, but be actively walking in the power of the blood, this Passover, and in the coming days….for truly, if there was ever a time we needed to be walking in His power, protection and victory, it's Today!

Your family in the Lord with much agape love,

George, Baht Rivka, Obadiah and Elianna (Dallas, TX) (Baltimore, Maryland)

Editor's Note: Latest Video: Understanding Cycles, Freedom and Passover! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYxEvRYKItU

Editor's Note: During this war, we have been live blogging throughout the day -- sometimes minute by minute on our Telegram channel. - https://t.me/worthywatch/ Be sure to check it out!

Editor's Note: We are planning our summer Tour so if you would like us to minister at your congregation, home fellowship, or Israel focused event, be sure to let us know ASAP. You can send an email to george [ @ ] worthyministries.com for more information.

[realniggatears]

I want to feel like I actually accomplished something for once. To actually apply for something and feel like I have a shot. To apply to something and actually be chosen. In so many ways, I feel like I've done absolutely nothing with my life. It's been 8 years since I left high school and what have I done? Like yes, at least 2 years of it was limited due to covid I feel like a waste. I'm 26 years old and what do I have to show for myself? I feel like I have potential but I have nothing to show. What skills do I even have? I have no degree. No real job. No internships or fellowships. I am a joke. No one is gonna treat me serious. I want to feel like I can do something, that I am capable of something great. I want to feel like I have value. I feel like a disappointment.

[theprayerfulword]

February 17

Psalm 1:1-2 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in His law doth he meditate day and night.

Ezra 3:3 Despite their fear of the peoples around them, they built the altar.

Isaiah 2:17-18 The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day, 18 and the idols will totally disappear.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

John 14:21 …He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me

John 6:38 For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.

May you walk before the Lord in the light He has given you, knowing that He is the sacrifice that makes you blameless for the things you have not yet learned. Leviticus 4

May you willingly, and gratefully, receive and submit to the check of your conscience or the reproof of a friend, either of which are sent by the Spirit of God, lest by ignorance having fallen into sin, you do not through ignorance continue in it. Leviticus 4

May you understand that only the willing, sacrificial offering of Christ Jesus' own blood can remove the penalty and heal the disfiguring of sin, and nothing of your own works will ever be sufficient. But His cure for sin can only be applied when you approach Him in specific confession and repentant prayer, accepting the depth of your guilt and acknowledging your need for His forgiveness. Leviticus 5

I have placed you in My family, My child, for you have need of fellowship and companionship. I am your Source, your Head, your Elder Brother; your first, and primary, relationship must be with Me. But I have given you gifts that must be used within the Body of Christ, the family of Christ, for the maturing, the perfecting, the knitting together of the saints into a loving, cooperating, skillful, functional unit. Pray for one another, carry one another's burdens, sorrow with those who sorrow and rejoice with those who know My joy. Without this training, My precious one, how can eternity, surrounded by the numberless multitudes around My throne, be eagerly anticipated? Although nothing can sever the bond of love I have with you, you cannot be isolated from the rest of the Body, for that is where My love is, as well. Reach out in My love to one another and see My love reaching back to you, that your fellowship may be full and your relationship with Me may be complete.

May you willingly acknowledge your need for God's help, for He does not have time for the self-made and self-sufficient since He is sent as a doctor to the sick, and a redeemer to those who are captive. Mark 2

May you have eyes to see beyond the traditions, habits, and teachings that separate you from the truth of God that you might be free of the restraints which hold you back from the work of God. Mark 2

May you be willing to honestly answer the questions God asks you, for they are designed to teach you truth and bring you to freedom. Mark 3

May you find refuge in the shelter of His wings and feast on the abundance of His house, drinking from His river of delights, for God's unfailing love is priceless and with the Lord is the fountain of life. Psalm 36

May the foot of the proud not come against you, nor the hand of the wicked drive you away, for the love of God continues to those who know Him and His righteousness to the upright in heart. Psalm 36

[rainsmediaradio]

Mountain Top Life Daily Devotional 21st December 2023 By Dr. D.K Olukoya – Keys to Divine Health (iv).

TOPIC: Keys to Divine Health (iv). Memory Verse: Proverbs 13-17 A wicked messenger falleth into mischief: but a faithful ambassador is health. Motivational Quote: New Testament believers appropriate and enjoy divine health through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Prophetic word for today: I declare that you are more than a conqueror over sickness, death and hell, in the name of Jesus. Fire Scripture: Exodus 15:26-27 26 And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the Lord thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the Lord that healeth thee. 27 And they came to Elim, where were twelve wells of water, and threescore and ten palm trees: and they encamped there by the waters. Praise & Worship BIBLE IN ONE YEAR: Zephaniah 2 – 3; Revelation 1 – 2

MFM DAILY DEVOTIONAL 21ST DECEMBER 2023 

Today, we shall round off our discourse on the keys to divine health. The fifth key is positive confession, especially of the word of God. In Luke 21:15, God promised to give His children the mouth and wisdom that the enemy cannot gainsay or resist. Confess what the word of God says concerning your good health and sound mind. Negative confession will attract infirmities to you while positive confessions will attract divine health to you. Beloved demonstrating God’s love is another key to divine health. Get rid of hatred, bitterness and unforgiveness; the Lord’s healing stream will flow into your life. Extend love to others and God will bless you in return. 1 John 3:14-15 says, “We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.” Also, holiness is an important key for getting divine health. Romans 6:1-2 says that we cannot continue in sin and expect that the grace of God should abound. Holiness and righteousness promote divine health. Be ye holy! More so, the Holy Communion has proved to be a veritable key for getting divine health. When you take it lawfully, you will have divine health and cross from death to life. The Holy Spirit also provides divine health to believers. He had sealed us to the day of redemption (Ephesians 4:30). When the enemy comes to us like a flood, the Spirit of God will lift up a standard against him (Isaiah 59:19). Finally, we can get divine health by fellowshipping with the saints in Zion. Hebrews 12:22-24 reveals that the church of Christ (Zion) is a place of innumerable company of angels where the blood of Jesus speaks better things than the blood of Abel. Dearly beloved, divine health is your covenant right as a child of God. The Bible calls it the children’s bread. However, you need to position yourself correctly to enjoy. First, you must give your life to Jesus and then apply the keys you have learned so far. Divine health is yours, in Jesus’ name.

MFM DAILY PRAYER POINTS 21ST DECEMBER 2023

PRAYER POINTS MORNING 1. I nullify any negative confession that is adversely affecting my health, in the name of Jesus. 2. Any evil word spoken against my wellbeing, die, in the name of Jesus. 3. Healing streams and virtues of Jesus Christ, flow into my life, in the name of Jesus. EVENING 4. By faith, I eat the broken body of Jesus and I drink the blood of Jesus, in the name of Jesus. 5. By faith in the finished work of Christ, I cross from death to life, in the name of Jesus. 6. Balm of Gilead, visit me and my family today, in the name of Jesus. 7. O Lord, heal me and I shall be healed, in the name of Jesus. Read the full article

[hardynwa]

Interview: Washington Fellow Abubakar Umar speaks on challenges of bringing ideas to life in Africa

Since 2014, the Mandela Washington Fellowship brings up to 700 young leaders to the United States for a comprehensive executive-style program in leadership, business, and civic engagement.  The 2024 Fellowship application is ongoing. This is a lifetime experience designed to build skills and empower Fellows to lead in their respective sectors and communities after they return home. It also serves as a medium for fostering global interactions and networking across countries and communities where Fellows share one another's dreams and aspirations. In this interview, DEBORAH UZOMA engages Abubakar Umar, a 2023 Mandela Washington   Fellow on his experiences and further prospects. Umar has a hearing-impaired issue, he is currently rounding off his Master's Degree in Special education at the Bayero University, Kano. Please, briefly tell us a bit about your background and how you got interested in the Mandela Washington Fellowship. My name is Abubakar Umar. I was born with my normal hearing in Garun Gabas. A district in Malammadori Local Government of Jigawa State. At the age of 12, had a severe but brief headache. I was taken to Hadejia General Hospital for treatment and was diagnosed with Meningitis. I was given a bed to continue receiving treatment for 2 weeks. I lost my hearing between these 2 weeks and was discharged. My parents did all they could, but all efforts proved abortive. In 2008, my father discovered the existence of Jigawa State School for the Hearing Impaired, Hadejia (it was Government Deaf Special School then) where I was enrolled in primary one instead of 6 because the class they had then was Primary 1-3. Subsequently, I got promoted to JSS3 due to my intelligence. Thereafter, I became the first school head student to graduate with the rank in the first graduation set with the highest JAMB Score of 218, which until this time record remains unbroken. That was how the journey of my education began and I got admitted into Bayero University Kano. Graduated from the Department of Special Education/Geography with second-class upper divisions but my father died two weeks after that. My father died without seeing my statement of result. The journey at Bayero University Kano was extraordinary as we broke barriers to excel and graduate. No sign language interpreters were provided. We had to copy notes and read on our own amidst almost 150 students with normal hearing. Nevertheless, I was the second student with the highest score in level 100 and was the overall best student in level 200 despite almost 150 students with normal hearing. I am currently on my finals in Special Education (Hearing Impairment) for the MSC Degree. B) My Journey to Becoming a Mandela Washington was born out of isolation and desperation to get a scholarship. Isolation: As a hearing impaired, you sometimes feel isolated. In our environment where communication barriers are still in place. People are not willing to learn to communicate with deaf, no sign language interpreters. This makes me a friend with my phone. I browse and communicate with people using my phone. This makes me an internet guru. I find opportunities easily. Desperation to get a scholarship: Since the system is not helping and there are no means to study abroad, to fulfill my dream of becoming a professor, I decided to use my phone to look for online opportunities.  I applied for the Chevening Scholarship thrice, the Commonwealth Scholarship, Queen Elizabeth Scholarship, and many more, and finally, Mandela Washington Fellowship twice, and I made it. Also, when I was shortlisted for an interview. That time, I used our school English language teacher as my sign language interpreter because he understands our communication better. On March 14, I made it! Yes, I made it! I had to prostrate in gratitude to God for fulfilling one of my dreams. Mr. Umar, your story is quite incredible, I must confess. So, how did you feel when you moved to the United States of America? My first Mandela Washington Fellowship application was in 2021. I couldn't make it that time. So, in August 2022, the application for the 2023 cohort was opened. I reviewed my previous application which got me to the interview stage. I filled out and submitted my application in less than 20 minutes. Traveling to such a great, powerful country is everyone's dream. I was very excited. I couldn't believe I was going.  I thought I was dreaming. In May, we attended a 3-day Pre-departure orientation in Abuja. That was my first time entering a flight from Kano to Abuja…(laughing.) As deaf fellows, we are entitled to travel 10 days earlier than other fellows to attend a 10-day pre-institute American sign language and Deaf culture session at Gallaudet University, the world liberal university of the Deaf. My dream university since I was an undergraduate. After 10 days, other fellows departed for the United States, and I also departed for the University of Minnesota Twin Cities, Minneapolis.  A great, inclusive, and resourceful state. Even Washington DC can't beat that state. That was my first international trip! Traveled through Paris. That is interesting. Please, can you walk us through the series of events or lectures taken during the fellowship?  What was the inspiration behind their perspective of teaching? Answer: There were many events. Let's look back at the most important ones to me. 1. Morning Sign Language Class: Every morning, sessions start with a sign language session where I happened to be the facilitator. Professor Chris and his team allowed me to do so every morning, except if we were on early morning schedules, he also tried to learn. He used to learn sign language and was a fast learner. He already has preexisting knowledge of sign language. I teach sign language to make everyone an inclusive leader. Deaf people are everywhere. I couldn't remember my best student, Zahra, from South Africa. The second one was Deborah from Togo. The next one I learned overnight, and I only realized during our last week in Minneapolis and when we were returning to Africa at the airport, is Fatou Sy from Senegal whom we were together until we reached Paris. It was a bad ending as I couldn't meet to say bye as we got to different flights to our respective countries, Senegal and Nigeria. We both were searching for each other. I nearly cried. 2. The Circle of Peace (Unity Church): Despite being a church environment, the 'Circle of Peace' was very inclusive for all religions.  All discussions are always educational. We learned a lot from elders at Sait Paul and Minneapolis.  Everyone at the Circle was taken equally. 3. Leadership Curriculum lectures (mostly Fridays): The facilitator, Simone, was very competent. I was very inspired. No matter what you think, you will understand her lectures. She made sure everyone understood, and everyone was allowed to speak. I sometimes become talkative, sometimes quiet. Despite communication barriers, I understand her lectures, and I engage and work in a team.  Departing Minneapolis to Washington DC for the summit. It was very emotional.  I met my Minnesota friends for the last time. I was crying inside, especially after Maria, my frequent sign language interpreter's hug. At the end of the summit, it was very emotional, getting separated from the people you met, worked together, and learned with. I gave my final hug to Ashley, our institute staff. I couldn't stop hugging Washington Galvao, our Brazilian staff, who was very friendly. We couldn't meet to say bye to Professor Chris as he departed back to the University of Minnesota early in the morning. You had a great time in the US. As an Alumnus, what impact do you hope the Mandela Washington Fellowship will have on you and your dreams for the world? As an alumnus, I am passionate about making our communities an inclusive place through teaching, research, and advocacy. I will collaborate with both US and African professionals to achieve this goal as I play my part. Are there challenges you might encounter in bringing your project to fruition, and how do you intend to overcome them? The challenge is the barrier in communication and funds. In the communication aspect, most African countries have a limited number of interpreters.  We have to use Deaf School teachers as interpreters who may not be as professional as we need. Who may not interpret as we need or as expected? This is turning us back. Again, funds to secure adequate resources are another challenge as persons with disabilities need resources to participate adequately. To overcome this, I am collaborating with the government to employ sign language interpreters and in contact with US-based interpreters to train them. Alternatively, my team and I  are planning to organize workshops for interpreters. We are collaborating with US organizations and the government to secure more resources. Fantastic! What advice would you give to aspiring Fellows for the 2024 Mandela Washington Fellowship? Answer:  As you plan to apply, don't rush. Plan before you begin. Have a leadership history and be ready to give back to your community.  Be honest in filling out your application and be original. Write your essay answers yourself, for you will be interviewed. Despite my hearing impairment, I never asked anyone to write or review my essays. I did it on my own. Always look for clarification from alumni on what you don't understand. Review carefully before submitting.  If you are selected for an interview, plan and be specific, honest in responding.  For Deaf applicants, during the interview, please have interpreters who understand your communication. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Umar. "You are welcome, Deborah." Deborah Uzoma is a final year MA student at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka and she is very keen on capturing campus chronicles through interviews. Read the full article

[timtellsstories]

Short Essay Up on the Cheuse Center Website

A couple of summers ago, I was very fortunate to be able to travel for research on my novel in progress. With funding from the Alan Cheuse International Writers Center, I got in my car and drove from my home in Virginia to the U.S.-Mexico border. I'm not talking too much about the novel yet, but you can bet it's set somewhere between Virginia and the U.S.-Mexico border.

Anyway, the trip was both harrowing and amazing. It was that uncertain summer of Covid in which we had vaccines but we weren't really sure if everyone was getting them or if they even worked, and on top of that, I was dealing with some ailments that necessitated medical attention and I was in my head about the fact that I was going to some fairly remote parts of the country.

I tend to do that. Get in my head about stuff.

But I did it! I went there and back again (and the only ring involved symbolizes my love for my wife).

Two years and hundreds of thousands of words in the novel later, the trip has been incredibly inspirational and informative to the point that I've been, perhaps unwittingly, working on a personal narrative essay about it, too.

The Cheuse Center has been publishing short works inspired by their fellows' trips, and Leeya Mehta, interim director of the center, contacted me about contributing. I ended up sending her many more words than she likely expected or wanted, but we were able to focus in on one portion of my essay in progress about my novel in progress.

You can read "The Line We Drew at the End of a Nation" now. I hope you enjoy it. Maybe someday the full version will be out there somewhere.

For you fellow authors, if you can go to the places you're writing about, I highly recommend it. I am saying this more and more these days, but to become a better writer, you have to read, write, AND live. There is no substitute for getting away from your computer and experiencing the world you want to write about (yes, even if you're writing about alien worlds, you should look to ours as reference points, but also, your alien world should, in some way, reflect our world, and I'm in my head about this, aren't I?).

Digression aside, I have much more confidence in this novel because of the travel afforded to me by this fellowship, and that's because the novel is much better for it. If you're an MFA student in the GMU creative writing program, apply for this fellowship.

[twobuckhowie]

Many Many Moons Ago

   Yes, many many moons ago there was (and still is) an annual herbaceous flowing plant cultivated throughout recorded history as a source of industrial fiber, seed oil, food, recreation, medicine, and religious practices that I partook in. (Spiritually speaking.) It was also illegal to have traces of it in your blood system if you were in the military, applied for jobs, or, as in my case, got hurt on the job.

   I have nothing bad to say about the company I worked for because they were very good to me for twenty years. It was just a corporate policy.

   By this time in my life I had quit smoking this herbaceous for about five years. Except! (Of course there wouldn't be a story without an "Except.")

   Except at a party, on New Year's Eve, at my friends house. After a few beers, a few laughs, I thought, "What the Hell." So I smoked a little, or a lot. It was a party.

   In the middle of February, of that new year, I break my foot while on the job. After going to the hospital, getting a cast on, I went home expecting four weeks of playing video games while my kids were at school.

   After one week of relaxation I get a call from Human Resources saying I have to go to such and such clinic for a drug test. If I didn't go in I would be terminated.

   Being superstitious, I believed what every Rastafarian had said to me. That there would be traces of this herbal spiritual drug was going to be in my blood system for up to six weeks!

   I panicked.

   So I took the advice of one Rastaman and bought a box of

"Quick Tabs - Herbal Clean."

Which I just found stuffed way back in an old cupboard while doing some spring cleaning.

   I bought them around 2001. (I wonder if they are still good?)

   I can't tell you if it worked or not. But I didn't have anything in my system to warrant termination. I worked for the same company for at least another seven years.

   Now, in the State of California, potential employers can't even test for it!

This is,

I Checked Out Their Website Today

And They No Longer Sell

"Quick Tabs"

For Cleansing Your System Of

Cannabis Sativa

Just Regular Detox Solutions For A Healthier You

Jim Hauenstein

And

“The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment to full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.” - Carl Sagan -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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