theecosystemblog - Tumblr blog

[theecosystemblog]

i hate waking up

everyday for the past month i have gone to bed

with 5-15mg of melatonin

in the beginning it wasn’t going so well

i wouldn’t be able to fall asleep fast and i would wake up 1000 times at night

then i would eventually sleep until 11am noonish

i cry every night

i abuse drugs

i call out of work

i self harm

i attempt suicide

all for what?

just to wake up and do it all over again

my therapist tells me to go through my old books and papers from all of the IOPs i’ve been in to find healthy coping mechanisms in this hard time

i increase my medicine dose

im doing everything i can to make sure i stay alive

for everyone else

like i always have

since i was 13

now im 22

i’ve been up i’ve been down

but i haven’t been this down in 3 or so years

that was the last time i wrote a suicide note

i still have them

this past time i threw out the note

no one can know what i was thinking that night

i hid my depression up until that night

then my alter decided to tell everyone

i guess that’s what the do

they protect me and the system

is this protection

to be alive for this long

struggling with mental illness

that just keeps getting worse and worse

when you’re told you have clinical depression when you’re 13

when you’re told you have bipolar one when you’re hospitalized

when you’re told you have DID…

not to mention just life changes

losing friends

breaking up with partners

your dad and step mom have a baby

you move in with them over COVID

your mother gets a cancer diagnosis

your father gets a cancer diagnosis

that’s about my limit

i’m just about at my limit

and i can’t do anything about it

because if i committed suicide id probably kill my support system along with it

so i wake up every morning

despite not wanting to live

and do it all over again

for all of you

[theecosystemblog]

the thing about being a witchy scorpio with mental illness is that im really vindictive and would love to hex those that wronged me but there’s too many people to choose from. can’t hex everyone, the 3 rule thing would kill me.

[theecosystemblog]

i woke up this morning on this memorial day weekend.

my agenda was to go to DID group and work afterwards.

my family went in the pool for the first time this season

without me,

which is typical.

they tried to see where i was so i can go in with them but i was busy talking about why grounding techniques are so hard to manage in public spaces and why people don’t know how to react to people dissociating in public spaces and why even when in private spaces grounding techniques and we came to the conclusion that grounding techniques are hard and having DID is hard.

after group i ate a little lunch and got ready to drive my 40 min to work.

i debated a nice outfit,

wear white shorts and a white and navy shirt with my white slides.

i put on a little bit of makeup,

put in earrings.

i didn’t want to go to work but i gave the illusion that i wanted to go to work.

that’s all that matters to people.

i begin my drive and i decide to take the backroads instead of the highway,

i get about 10 minutes into my drive and i have to stop and turn around because there’s cones at up blocking my way.

so i turn around to go back through town and take the highway causing me to be late.

i finally arrive and get my shit together.

i clock in.

put my lunch in the fridge.

fill up my water bottle.

“*my name*” i turn around.

“you can’t wear shorts and opened toed shoes”

why do i even try?

it’s like the universe is trying to screw me over with this job!

i got hired here two years ago and turned it down because i was still i school and its too far of a drive.

i apply again this year thinking working in this field is what i want to do.

i begin to work and i end up crying and breaking down almost shift because the children in my brain hate being there.

so i quit.

for them.

then stuff like this happens.

why do i even try?

so i tell my parents and of course my mom says she would go back because that’s the right thing to do and my dad says to run into walmart to buy cheap tights and shoes for the shift.

i dont want to do either of those things!

i’m pissed!

i’m pissed that i woke up this morning!

i’m pissed that i had to go to work!

i’m pissed that my family went in the pool without me!

i’m pissed that i have DID and have to go to a group for it!

i’m pissed that the road was closed!

i’m pissed that work turned me away!

i’m pissed that i live 40 min away!

i just

want

to

do what i want to do

and have it be okay

for once

with everyone.

[theecosystemblog]

all this gay girl music going viral like ms chappell roan and lunch by billie eilish and im listening to molly grace is sending me into a spiral wishing i was a cis lesbian but the lord knows im a gay man despite my massive tits and lack of dick

[theecosystemblog]

i graduated high school in 2020. (part 2)

which means if the stars aligned i would be graduating college with a bachelors degree right now.

i see all the posts of my old classmates with their cap and gown and paragraph of appreciation

(and by old classmates i mean the two that i still follow on instagram)

(haven’t spoken to them in years).

everyone else i unfollowed

probably because they unfollowed me first.

i don’t need a cap and gown to be successful!

i don’t need a cap and gown to make money!

i don’t need a cap and gown to be happy!

at one point in time i really did want a cap and gown going through that classic four year college experience.

but college got put on hold when i was diagnosed with DID.

college damaged me.

school didn’t,

but college did.

i love to learn i love school i love the routine

i always did.

school used to be about spending time with classmates and friends, switching between classes every hour or so, learning as many subjects as you can to find out what you want to do for the rest of your life.

college is about focusing all of your time and energy into one subject and sitting through hours of lecture multiple times a week in hopes that you like the subject you chose, want to pursue it after college, and can find a stable income with it.

do you know what its like to have your parents save up college money for you to be mentally ill and not be able to complete it?

not be able to complete their dreams for you?

do you know what it’s like to live with the guilt that your parents could’ve used that money for other more important and immediate costs while you’re sitting in lecture knowing that you’re wasting it.

because i have DID.

because i was put through a few traumatic experiences while growing up that my brain had to protect itself from the world when nobody else would.

because having a flight or fight response toward college is unacceptable when planning your future.

because flying away from college prevents you from getting a degree.

because the emails of fighting and defending your case for accommodations and special help never get a response.

so, i fawn.

i fawned my way through college just to collapse on myself and end up in the hospital.

i fought to get a refund or even a partial refund from my tuition because i didn’t make it through the semester and they denied it.

i fly to another university to try and “start over” but fawning is all i know.

and im back to failing classes.

and im back to dissociating during lecture.

and i’m back to feeling guilt.

and i fear that ill never get out of this.

that i’ll never go to college and get a degree and get my cap and gown moment.

i don’t even want it anymore if this is what is costs me.

[theecosystemblog]

i wake up for work and i say to myself

today is going to be a good day!

i get dressed and get my lunch together and begin to drive the 40 minutes there.

i like my job.

i just started it almost two months ago,

that retail life.

as an extrovert i love retail,

checking people out,

talking to coworkers.

i have two jobs.

the other one ive had for a few months now,

again, that retail life.

ive learned some things while working on and off for the past 4-5 years.

ive learned that no matter the wage you’re working for you still have to bust your ass everyday working for what you can.

i’ve learned that work is unforgiving about health problems, but they forgive physical before the mental.

i’ve learned that work is hard but necessary.

work is unforgiving when the waterworks pour from my eyes every 10 minutes as the children in my brain yell “i’m so tired” “i want to go to bed” “i don’t want to be here” whining crying screaming at me.

work is unforgiving when it looks like im looking around like normal but in reality my vision is blurred and i can’t recognize where i am and im trying to figure out to what degree am i at work and what degree im in headspace.

work is unforgiving when all i hear is muffled sounds from the voices of my coworkers conversations with each other and no one wants to talk to me of course because i’m crying in the corner like a crazy person.

little do they know i am crazy…

does it make me crazy that i cry at work almost every time im there?

does it make me crazy that work is unforgiving for my disability?

does it make me crazy that i have to tell my work that i have a mental disability and i need special accommodations throughout my shift?

does it make me crazy that sometimes i show up at work and realize i just simply can not function correctly and tell them i need to go home?

my whole life has been leading up to work:

“what do you want to be when you’re older?”

i was great in school.

i went to college.

i prepared for everything i would’ve kicked ass!

but life is unforgiving when you are diagnosed with a rare mental illness at the age of 20.

how am i supposed to go to school, ace my classes, graduate with a degree, work a stable job on top of that to get income, and then find a career when at the surface i’m a 22 year old but behind the scenes im all a 22 year old, a 10 year old recovering from childhood trauma, a 13 year old addicted to self harming, a dog, an angel, not to mention everyone else in my brain?

do you expect a 10 or 13 year old to work? i guess maybe in some countries.

do you expect a dog to work?

some people don’t even think angels exist.

so yes, as a 22 year old i am expected to be able to work for myself and eventually live on my own.

but theres children, a dog, and other worldly beings in my brain that are unable to work, and they take it out on me when i’m forced to work anyway.

so i wake up for work and i say to myself

today is going to be a good day!

and sometimes it is

and other times i have a bad day and have the impeding need to write down all my thoughts about work on a blog post.

but blog posts aren’t going to pay the bills.

[theecosystemblog]

i graduated high school in 2020.

i remember the year before, going to all these college open houses.

SATs

AP tests

learning how to drive

growing up

i remember being so excited to graduate and pursue this biology degree to be in the medical field,

i was ready.

then you know what happened.

but in reality i really don’t think you know what happened.

sure, covid,

broke up with my high school bf,

couldn’t bring the girl i liked to prom,

moved across the state,

left my whole life behind…

for college.

everyone told me college was the best years of your life. early 20s!

the balance between hard work and being social…

i was prepared.

the first few semesters were great!

i met plenty of friends, i actually had a friend group!

i met a boy.

i passed my classes.

then it all hit i guess.

all out of no where like a big truck going 90 down I-95.

i couldn’t sleep.

i cried every day and night.

i started to relapse.

what the hell happened?

it’s been 6 years!

i started to forget everything.

i stated to fail classes.

hours would pass DAYS would pass.

i didn’t recognize my own family.

i didn’t recognize myself.

why don’t i remember anything anymore?

therapy restarted after years without it.

i was recommended to a higher level of care,

why?

i hung out with the friend group in person every once in a while following quarantine rules.

one night it was so fun all of us hanging out outside at a park playing games eating food listening to music…

but there’s something about getting home afterwards and thinking to yourself where the fuck was i who was there how long was i out what did we do??????

why don’t i remember anything anymore?

“do you know what DID is?”

[theecosystemblog]

our favorite picrews

https://picrew.me/en/secret_image_maker/9FA1DqSHdHbebP8R

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/2116305

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/2259682

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/644129

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1873485

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/626197

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/707090

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1722374

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/296093

https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1136156

[theecosystemblog]

i’ve never experienced heat.

of course i’ve been through 22 summers but i do not remember the feeling of heat.

i do not remember the blazing beams burning my skin

while going on trips down the jersey shore with my summer camp,

when in bermuda on day 5 of our cruise,

when in disney waiting in line for space mountain.

i am not the same person i was when i was a child…

none of us were.

none of you were.

but at least you remember that hot sweaty feeling.

at least when the clocks turn forward and we lose an hour of sleep and the weather gets hotter and hotter you know what to expect.

are you flooded with the overwhelming sensation of serotonin as well?

does your brain know how to handle all of it?

some of you prefer it over the cold.

i don’t really know how.

“seasonal depression” is what they call it.

everyone experiences a certain level of it.

with the cold i can always layer up.

long fuzzy pants and long sleeves and socks,

blankets on blankets,

a warm cup of your choice!

during the winter you’re allowed to be depressed because apparently everyone is.

during the summer you’re only allowed to be happy

because apparently everyone is.

so, yeah, i’ve never experienced heat.

i guess my body has.

but the new person i turn out to be every upcoming spring and summer never experiences heat

until they have

and they damn well know they have

when they feel the beams burning their skin as they drive back home from work

and have this great impeding desire to record what this sensation feels like because it feels so euphoric and nothing like you’ve ever felt before

just to realize this is not the first time you’ve experienced this

or maybe not you yourself

but someone else in your body has

and you hope that this is not the last time you experienced it.