throughmindfog

[throughmindfog]

Just realized that i can actually do anything. nothing is so deep and time-taking that i cannot complete it in a set time duration. nothing requires me to sit day in and day out to figure it out. it shouldn't. and not only this, i can very well go beyond this. treat masters like school, do this & other things that you're genuinely interested in. dsa? psychology? art? calculus? music? history? you name it. this is my playground, and i fucking love sports.

just complete things and remember. you've practiced? that's confidence. who said you gotta ace it. do it for the fun, do it for the experience, do it because you can. this does not define you, it's one of the many things in life that you decided to do. don't lose yourself over it because you are SO capable of doing not just this, but so so much more!

[throughmindfog]

ku lo sa is giving me such a crazy dopamine hit, im even obsessing over a mid man (ryuuken ishida)

[throughmindfog]

living in the same house with a religious person and an atheist is so crazy cause i'd be listening to if i believe u by the 1975 for the first time as a trial and get attacked for listening to church-ish songs, while i also get attacked for listening to nightcall by kavinsky because it's ominous???

[throughmindfog]

Too much sweet makes people sick, hun. Don't be so sweet, they'll get sick of you.

[throughmindfog]

I spent my entire school life by myself, I'm sure I can easily handle one person abandoning me. :)

[throughmindfog]

i can't even imagine the loss of my mother. it scares me. it shakes me from within. but the only thing that lets me accept life as it comes is the fact that if she doesn't leave first, she'll experience my loss in her life- and i would never wish yet another painful struggle on her. she genuinely deserves the best. ik she didn't get that, so no matter how much i hate the reality, no matter how much i don't want to experience her absence from my life, and no matter how hard it is for me to not rip my heart out right now, i cannot bring myself to let her experience any more pain in her life. i really want her to live her best life as she should've all these years, and, though it beats me why, i'm an important part of that life of hers. i just love her so much, my heart aches through and through. but i hope she never finds that out, so that i can be the kindest, the loveliest, the most caring and fun person for her in these years we spend together. love comes with pain, and if to express my love, i need a facade, then let that be it. i really do want you around for the rest of my life.

[throughmindfog]

"Sitting in the dark is not good for your mental health" bruh I'm sitting in the dark because of my current mental health

[throughmindfog]

unfit

i claim to like art, but my imagination still doesn't go beyond small huts and sun rising from the mountain valleys only capable of replicating art, i still struggle to put on the paper what i see will i forever be trapped in the mind of the toddler i used to be i wonder if i'll ever amount to something bigger than me i feel so much but what good is it to feel i begin to write it all but forget wherever to take my pen's streak everything initiated with a dream, yet everything i started remains incomplete am i itching to reach beyond my capabilities? is this too much for a small human like me? will i remain in this loop, stuck as a dreamer who could never flee? over the years, "i must be unfit for this world" is what i perceived some days it is so hard to breathe, tell myself i can try again, and make peace with failure being my shadow as i approach my 30s my life feels futile and i simmer myself in pity perhaps i am not an artist after all, i just wanted to be growing up reading literature shouldn't have to give me literary expertise enjoying numbers needn't give me an understanding of infinity just as living through my teens didn't give me hope for my 20s

this predicament is never-ending in every field, i tread the same journeys so many ways i'm always lacking my results and i never agree maybe i'm not satisfied with anything, but there's things that i seek i never thought improvement to, one day, succeed would be that impossible a feat but i'll start again this week let this layer of my disheartened soul peel try again and struggle against the breeze, as the same pain sediments on top of me by the end of the next week

[throughmindfog]

my anatomy

it took me 23 years to reach peace with the anatomy i was born with. a lot of things still suck about being me, im not going to lie, and i say this cause i'd rather paint something realistic than rosy here. as a teen, i wasn't hugely comfortable with myself and though not entirely sure of the reason why, i would've preferred being born as a guy. life would just be simpler. eventually down the line, i realized women were really more than just pretty and that men were yikes. this was when i was 17ish. i didn't like anyone, but i knew.

I also knew that I was more comfortable in masculine roles than feminine. Perhaps I even looked down upon how women in my surroundings would be so much stronger and better than men but clearly underappreciated due to daunting and unfair societal standards that also massively distorted these women's way of thinking into thinking they were weaker and dependent though they were sole breadwinners. Also why I've hated and avoided cooking for my entire life so far until last two years.

It clicked me this year, and I don't remember what triggered it, that I wanted to be a guy my entire life while i hated men to begin with. I understand that perhaps I hated their personalities, the self-entitlement, the chauvinistic attitudes, and the endless list of things that's wrong with how men think. I'm sure it was the thought process. But, the fact that I was mentally more comfortable as a guy made me realize I was trying to walk towards something that the society framed for everyone else. The idea of men, the privileges of being a man, and the freedom thereof- all because of what rules and standards the society created. Perhaps that's what I wanted. Perhaps what I wanted was to not be told to be a girl and accommodate at all times, and to be allowed to exist as an existence who was free to be as it wanted and do what it liked. Perhaps it's equality that seemed unachievable to me as a kid. But society is nothing but people, and people can change. And if not society in its entirety, how the society thinks is something that can be changed, developed, and evolved. All this aside from the body dysmorphia.

Again, I am not sure about my thought process from back then, but I'm concluding things from bits and pieces that I recall and the foundations in my mind right now. Anyhow, this realization that clicked me this year made me somewhat more comfortable with being... the way I am. I am still not comfortable enough to declare myself one. (pls get a hint) No, I'm not ashamed, I'm just waiting to embrace myself more with time, to grow more comfortable.

Some months later, while I was complimenting a friend of mine on how hardworking they are, I figured that I was working hard everyday too. So I deserved appreciation too, from my own self. Though not fully related, I realized that maybe I am a little deserving of the appreciation I direct towards other women because I am making it through everyday. So that's another thing that made me appreciate myself a little more. Yeah, I don't feel great about myself because of a lot of things, but this made me feel comfortable with my own existence at least. So, that's progress, I guess!

Maybe I'd still feel more comfortable as a guy, but I'm willing to challenge my thoughts and see where I go with that. It's given that being a guy wouldn't change how I think and I'd still deeply appreciate and respect women from the bottom of my heart, so it's not about the 'privilege' or whatever that comes with being a man.

This was one of the pivotal realizations I've had this year.

Hope this helps someone understand and embrace themselves some more.