words-that-go-unspoken

[words-that-go-unspoken]

"i just want to be me. i want to look like me. feel like me. i want to be my own person. to feel like i can breathe. to feel like i can be. to feel like i can live. to not be afraid to do any of it. to not be afraid to exist. to want to live. to be excited for tomorrow. to want to see it come."

— i want to feel right and alive in this world, in this life.

alive. nico. [11.24.2019; 18:10]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

i’ve been in a lot of pain lately. i’ve been unsure what to do, how to cope, how to feel. so i’ve been alone. cutting people off, ignoring people, pretending things are fine the best that i can  when nothing feels okay. but i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to live another day in pain, but i don’t want to reach out. i don’t want to reach out and be a burden on anyone.

i guess this is reaching out in a way. i’m not asking for help, but saying what would otherwise stay inside.

another day. nico. [09.29.2019; 17:45]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

"i don't love anything, let alone myself.

music used to be my safe haven

but now it feels more like an obligation than an escape

the same goes for reading

and writing

and school.

i loved school, the structure, the learning;

but now it feels like a chore

reading used to be an escape,

but now it's a reminder of what i long for, and a slap in the face when coming back to reality.

writing used to help,

but now it just lets me dwell in the feelings i'm trying to escape.

my friends used to help me realize it's okay,

but now they feel good as gone.

i don't sleep,

i don't eat,

i don't let myself stop.

it's always go.

go to school,

go train,

go to rehearsal,

go try and talk to people who don't want you.

i live in those places, i never see home.

and it's wearing on my body, my mind, and my soul.

all of these things used to be an escape,

but now they are things i use as an excuse to not take care of myself.

i don't love these things,

i don't love myself,

and i don't know if i ever will.

i don't love myself. nico. [09.01.2019; 17:28]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

nothing will ever be good enough, will it? too quiet, too loud, too energetic, too tired, too happy, too depressed, too social, too withdrawn, too feminine, not masc enough, too much this, not enough that. a big blob of not enough no matter how much i try to be what people want.

i'm so tired of trying to be enough for people. never enough. nico [08.20.2019; 17:47]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

you seem to think that my body is yours for the taking. to be used and taken and violated however you see fit whenever it’s convenient for you. and I let you. you made me think that my body was not my own that what i wanted didn’t matter that i was yours and you could do what you wanted with this body that isn’t yours. and I believed you. i let you hurt me. break me. use me. stain me. i thought there was no other choice. i trusted you. put my life in your hands, told you everything all of my secrets. anything i thought you wanted to hear. i was putty in your hands. you scared me. i was afraid of what would happen if i let you have your way. but more afraid of what would happen if i spoke up, if i said no, if i told someone. i’m still afraid. if you tried again, it’d end the same way. with me bowing down and obeying your every word. letting the fear win. letting you have your way. i’m going to get hurt. but the difference is that if I let it happen it’ll be mental. but if I try and stop it, say no, speak up, it will be physical. and i’d rather be hurting on the inside than have physical reminders of what i did. that i disobeyed you,    someone who has no right to control me. that i used my voice. that i realized my body is not a toy to be played with. that i’m not something to be thrown around and discarded at your convenience. but i let you take it. and if i had to choose to let it happen again or to let someone else be taken, i would do it again.

i am still afraid of you. i want to run when you fall into my vision. but i will never give you the satisfaction of knowing how scared i really am. 

you seem to think. j.a.e. [sometime freshman year]

i saw him the other day, four years later. i wanted to hide and throw up.

[words-that-go-unspoken]

there's a scar on my face.      you won't see it unless you look. i don't know what caused it. there's a scar on my right middle finger      from when it was pricked at the doctor's office in second grade because i had gotten strep four times that winter. there are scars on my knee, thighs, and elbow.       i wrecked my bike in a rainstorm this past summer. i'm not sure you'd be able to see them, even if you looked. there are scars on my stomach. hips. left arm.       hundreds upon hundreds of them, at some point i lost count. some deeper, more visible than others, some so faded you can barely see them anymore.  some are words. most are hidden. there's only one you can see day to day. there's a set of letters on my thigh       from when i was pissed about being queer. i hated it. so i made it a permanent part of me.  "faggot" it reads. i'm not proud of my scars. most of them anyway. i would get rid of most of them if i could. but each one tells a story. and each story a part of my life.

i’m not proud of most of them, but they are a part of me. and i will learn to love all of me one day.

scars. j.a.e. [12.09.2018; 23:34]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

why do i feel like a fool? for trusting you, for taking your word about what you said you’d do? past behavior is future indicator, but i thought this time would be different. you said it wouldn’t be a problem, that you’d be there and help, but it’s been over twelve hours and i’ve done more than yelp. i’m feeling like a fool for trusting you, even though it should be the easiest thing for me to do. but i let my hopes for change get in the way of what i knew would happen the moment you clicked away. and maybe i’m a fool for hoping you’ll show, return a text, but my hopes are low. i feel like a fool for trusting you, for believing that you’d come through. and i’m sorry my love, my king, my sun, but i can’t be a fool anymore.

i hoped this time would be different but i guess i’m just a fool.

(reflection on an old relationship)

fool. j.a.e. [07.10.2019; 17:46]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

the calm before the storm was more intense than usual. the storm itself was quick.      branches snapped.      rain poured.      wind howled. over in minutes. but the storm was not over, we had simply reached the eye.      calm.      the wind stopped.      the rain ceased. despite all appearances, the storm was not over; the second wind has come.      more branches snapping.      more rain falling.      more wind howling. it lasts days. the second wind is stronger than the first,      where the damage was minimal and few were affected. This time the damage was detrimental.      not contained to one area.      not easily cleaned up.      not easily repaired. the damage will be lasting. after all, the storm is not yet over.

my mental break was like a storm. unpredictable and unrelenting.

the storm. j.a.e. [07.03.2019; 11:31]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

that feeling like you're trapped stuck in a box, in a room separate from anyone else,      like you can hear them but they can't hear you       like you're an outside observer in your own life. it's a familiar feeling, felt by many, spoken of by seemingly few. it can make you feel trapped, like there's no way out, but there is. there is a way out. everyone's escape is different that is, in specifics but the preface is all the same. find something to hold on to. something to live for. writing, cooking, acting, music, sports, something. find something to live for something to stay alive for. it makes the pain easier.

find it and hold on for dear life. don’t let go. don’t let go unless you find something new.

something. j.a.e

[words-that-go-unspoken]

life will get better. you aren't stuck. it may feel bleak, hopeless, helpless, like there's nothing you can do, like you're never gonna get out. but you will. things will get better, the pain will ease. happiness will come. not all days will be good,     some will be really bad, but some will be better than others. and some will be amazing. just don't give up. you are not stuck. the pain will fade. it will take time, but it will happen. you will get there. it will get better. you only have to live each day once. once and never again.

this too will pass. breathe and take it one day at a time. one shitty, shitty day at a time.

life will get better. j.a.e.

[words-that-go-unspoken]

i often say "one day" one day this, one day that. one day i'm gonna leave, one day i'll be happy, one day i'll know what i want to do with my life. but all of this is just hopeful thinking. i hope to be happy. i hope i get to leave. i hope i'll figure things out. all of these "one days" are just a dream. i am not naïve enough to believe that it will all work out. it will be hard. it will be rough. i won't always be happy. i probably won't ever know what my life will hold, but the best i can do is control what is controllable.

one day it will come.

one day. j.a.e.

[words-that-go-unspoken]

We all say, "honesty is the best policy" that is, until the truth is something we don't want to hear.

Don’t ask for the truth unless you’re sure you can handle whatever it may entail.

A blurb on honesty. j.a.e. [01.12.2019, 18:23]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

it's not the fact that you left that hurts. i mean, it does. it hurts so much.  but what hurts more is that just hours ago we were planning our next date. our one year.  hours ago you were making me feel loved and wanted. but now? i feel the opposite. like i was a thing you kept around because you wanted to make sure you wouldn't miss it after it was gone. and that? that hurts.

it hurts, okay? i won’t tell you that but it hurts.

it hurts. j.a.e. [12.17.2018, 19:27]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

What do I do now? Unsure how to feel, Unsure what to say, Wondering what it will be like to go through a day Without having you there, Without being able to text you or say hi. And maybe I still can, I don’t know yet. I don’t know if I even still want to. Right now, though? I want to. Check in. Ask how you are. Talk to you about all the things under the sky. But I feel that doing so would be unfair to the both of us. And I want to do what is best for you. Because I still care about you, I care so, so much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring.

I still love you, even though you don’t love me the same way anymore.

What now? j.a.e. [12.14.2018, 23:11]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

in the end, the words we speak, write, don’t matter. they never did. others will believe what they want, and you will say what you believe. they won’t hear the words, but every one of them will be said. every one of them will be meant.

in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

in the end. j.a.e. [11.08.2018, 17:35]

[words-that-go-unspoken]

this body doesn’t feel like mine it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me everything feels wrong the face, arms, legs, hands, chest, mind, voice, thoughts, everything doesn’t feel right. it doesn’t feel like where i belong it feels like i’m trapped somewhere i don’t belong somewhere i didn’t ask to be but c’est la vie

it all feels wrong.

this body. j.a.e. [11.20.2018, 23:02]

i didn’t expect something i wrote during a breakdown after a football game to get any notes, let alone 100 (which is a lot to me). thank you.

[words-that-go-unspoken]

how many of us thought we’d never make it this far? that we’d never make it past last year, or the year before? that we wouldn’t make it through this year? but look at us now. we’re here. we’re breathing, we’re making it day by day despite all that happens, despite all that has happened. we’ve made it this far, we’ll make it farther. it’ll be hard, things will happen, but we’ve gotten through everything else up to this point, however hard it was, no matter how much we wanted to give up, even if we’ve tried to. we’re still here, still alive, still making it.

we’re all proud of you.

still here. j.a.e. [11.20.2018, 20:43]