yidenn

[yidenn]

This absurdity is absurd.

Existence is absurd.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

But even more absurd is humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of humanity's ability to recognize the absurdity of existence.

[yidenn]

My cat

[yidenn]

glorifying our economical system is like still forcing people to use a knife to eat soup, because knives helped people eat their own food when only hard-to-chew meat was available.

we're still spinning our minds around how to only produce knives with blunt edges, so that people will not use them to murder anyone - instead of actually introducing other kinds of silverware, because you know, some guys have thrown badly made spoons so hard that they killed someone. and we're still standing here, glorifying knives while wasting time and energy to eat a cold soup - energy and time that we could have used to prepare some other food, both for us and everyone else.

[yidenn]

let the rot consume my everything

what if I abandoned everything? living is punishing what if I let inertia take over my flesh?

until the rot consumed me and my breath

[yidenn]

Who knows how happy I'd be if a bullet hit me at just the right angle to pierce through my hippocampus and make me lose all of my memories.

[yidenn]

I just found another present of yours.

It's sharp enough to shear through my skin and make me peel it apart piece by piece, if only I apply enough pressure.

[yidenn]

date idea: we take each other’s prescription medications and see what happens

[yidenn]

they all left me alone and I'm slowly losing my mind about it.

[yidenn]

I fear becoming like my mother.

I fear being in my 50s and still fantasize about people who I was with during my adolescence, to the point of developing an alcohol addiction and damaging all the people actually close to me.

[yidenn]

Maybe you were the smartest one.

Deleting everything about someone might be the quickest way to get over them.

I didn't. I still preserve everything. Even the random rock you gave me.

And this, really simple decision might have been the most fatal.

[yidenn]

how much would I love to say this to every single individual I've ever been ever so slightly intimate with.

How much would I thank them for enduring a continuous tornado that spirals in different directions at different times of the day.

How much would I thank them for surviving through all, the countless nights where I didn't show up, or all the days where being too exposed to me would have burned their skin.

Yet here I am, still overwhelmingly shining, so much so that at a certain point, the tornado has no other choice than to turn into fire.

And no one is able to survive fire itself.

[yidenn]

That's not how my brain works.

I must absolutely stop trying to plan everything that I associate to any kind of effort. Because that's not how my brain works.

By defining any kind of sense of "duty" that might or not be related to a specific time period, I immediately put extra mental "weight" onto that specific task, even if I consider it being something extremely simple and mundane.

So when I actually need to start doing that thing, I immediately connect it to the "prediction framework" and waste even more mental energy as I try to figure out how to optimize my time. So that specific task becomes harder to achieve, as my thoughts slowly absorb me, more and more.

And then, I'm not able to actually start doing anything.

And that's not over, because by doing so, a specific task is associated with an even heavier weight inside my brain, and so the whole process repeats in an horrendous positive feedback loop.

But every single interesting thing that I've ever done, has never been planned. So why continue doing it?

Trying to plan things, for me, is like living as a left-handed individual and trying to use scissors with my right hand, even when they've been personalized for my left hand. It's useless, inefficient, and I would have done much more in less time by just trusting my left hand.

But I still tend towards using my right hand, because all I see is other people never using their left hand.

[yidenn]

Each time I see, hear, or imagine anyone telling someone else to die, kill themselves, or that they'd like to murder them with their own hands...

...even in the most immature, childish, or playful of contexts, without any kind of seriousness, gravity, or significance behind those words...

...I still think about what I've done to you.

Why are you still in my head?

[yidenn]

I really, really hope you are doing okay.

Because I'm not.

I still constantly fear that everything I might have done and said during that period contributed heavily to your development, and you're completely, wholeheartedly justified for removing me, and dissociating yourself from what I've been, what I am, and what you might think I will be.

You're completely justified for not letting a cancerous, chaotic mix of thoughts enter your experience, especially foreign ones that risk alienating you, after they've already damaged you multiple times.

You're completely justified for building a wall between you and a forest which made you lose your way multiple times, especially when you need to not lose yourself the most.

I've said, and done terrible things to you during those years, which I still sometimes fail to not portray as an idyllic, picturesque landscape each time I close my eyes.

However, I still can't stop wondering, even after all this time, if you had enough strength to fight against all the things that I, certainly, at least partially, didn't help you against. And I really hope you did - and you will obviously judge the next sentence as an idealization of yourself, which you will hate - but from whatever quantity of real information that I might have consciously processed about you while I was extremely self-absorbed, I still feel that you're a wonderful person.

And if you ever read all of this (even though it's extremely unlikely), there's a high chance that you would call me a liar, because you think all I want is get in touch with you again. I certainly can't deny that I also, superficially, still dream about it.

I still, childishly, hope that one day you will tell me literally anything, even that you hate me.

But just like you're justified for removing me, I'm justified for dreaming, as immature as it might be.

But I'm not dreaming about the past. Because I'm almost completely sure that even if I met you now within a completely different timeline, without any kind of previous knowledge about you, I would still think, and feel, all of those things about yourself, from the extremely limited set of information that I can deduce.

I'm justified for creating delusions, if those protect me for some time.

That doesn't make me a liar.

Or at least, it does, but only to myself.

I really hope you are okay.