actuel-idiot

[actuel-idiot]

I feel like it would be so fun for a fan fic to delve into the idea of Damian being an actual prince.

Not just the heir to the league of assassins, but have the league be the private military force of whatever nation Ras Al Ghul runs. I feel like the most suitable place for the official kingdom to be would be Eth Alth'eban rather than nanda parbat. I'm pretty sure Eth Alth'eban is the forst location that Raa built and it makes sense for him to put his roots down there.

But you could also place them in nada parbat in the Himalayas or in one of their bases in the Swiss Alps.

I just think it could be so fun for Ras to be manipulating the world to be more earth and climate conscious by offering trades of whatever resource they have or training their soldiers or at risk royals/ important people who are targeted for assassination attempts. He can give one or all of these in exchange for climate activist and earth conscious choices in their government to be made. It would be slow going but I think he could get a good lot of people on his side.

I mainly want to see actual prince Damian for 2 reasons.

One.

Diplomatic immunity card shenanigans

And two.

Meeting royals at events and greeting them as old friends.

Just like

Damian being pulled into an FBI investigation for one reason or another, a kid at his school was murdered and they had an argument a few days before the kid disappeared. He had nothing to do with it, but got pulled into the investigation.

Obviously because he is like 10, Bruce goes with him, tried to play his usual stuff by throwing around money and using flattery, but these are no nonsense, stick it to the rich FBI guys (think Booth from Bones).

So they press for details and at one point one of the FBI dudes gets in Damians face and threatens that they find evidence that he did a crime and will make sure he is put away.

Bruce is obviously offended, first off, this is a 10 year old, second this is his 10 year old. He goes to kind of start flipping out at these guys and Damian just holds up a hand.

"I believe you have a call waiting for you from the State Department"

Right as the intercom buzzes and the agent on the other end is telling them they have an important call waiting for them.

State Department comes in, apologizes for how rudely the FBI treated him, and ensure him it won't happen again.

The agents are seething wondering how this snot nosed brat got diplomatic immunity, and Bruce is wondering the same thing.

"I am the heir of a foreign nation and have been tasked with many diplomatic roles in the past, it becomes necessary to cover your bases father."

Bruce is a little flabbergasted, his 10 year old child. His little boy is the heir of a foreign nation, not just the league, but the national power behind the organization. How did he not think he would be briefed for foreign diplomacy.

Two.

They're attending a gala when a young woman and a young man lightly speed towards their group.

The Waynes - Damian all groan thinking it's the young heirs to some wealthy family coming to try to make a business deal or get in their good graces when the girl bows lightly to Damian, greeting him in a different language completely ignoring Bruce and co.

Even more surprising Damian bows back, returning her words. Then moves to grasp arms with the boy accompanying her.

They speak formally, before the woman snorts lightly and elbows the man. They all relax after that, exchanging words with obvious sarcasm and teasing remarks.

Damian then turns to Bruce.

"Father I would like to introduce Bhasundara from the Dogra clan in the Himalayas, and he guard, a comrade of mine from training Ahsan. Bhasundara came to train with us after an assassination attempt on her 14th birthday, Ahsan went back with her as her guard and later her consort.

Bhasundara, Ahsan, this is my father Bruce Wayne, the host of tonight's event, and his wards Richard Grayson, Jason Todd, Timothy Drake, Stephanie Brown, Duke Thomas, and Cassandra Cain."

"Taking a back seat to hosting I see Amiri. Did the Kargili clan traumatize you that much?" Ahsan laughs, smirking when Bhasundara elbows him.

Damian scoffs, talling the man off and leads them over to the desert table, pointing out the best desert for the group to procure.

Leaving his family baffled as they watched their littlest interact with not only a former member of the league that was here completely under their radar, but also a supposed heir to a clan in the Himalayas.

The more you learn

[actuel-idiot]

My personal crack headcanon is that one of the previous champions was Ra's wife, and he and Billy are weirdly casual about it. Like, yeah we were married but we’re just friends now. It was an amicable separation, but Damian still has to be respectful and call Billy grandma if he wants to hang out with Tawky Tawny.

Billy has asked Robin to stop at multiple points because he didn’t want to be anyone’s grandmother. Alas, the little boy never relented so Billy gave up. It’s still pretty awkward around other people though. Especially Batman.

Marvel and Batman: *working monitor duty together*

Damian: *appears out of nowhere* “Grandmother—”

Batman: *immediate confusion at the term, slowly looks to Billy*

Marvel: *very much embarrassed* “Yes, Robin.”

Damian: “…”

Marvel: “Yes, grandson?”

Batman: *looking between them*

Damian: “I would like to schedule tea time with Mr Tawky Tawny.”

Marvel: “Robin—”

Damian: *glares*

Marvel: “Grandson, I told you, you didn’t need to ask for permission.”

Damian: “And I’ve told you that I do. It’s proper.”

Marvel: “Yeah? Well, I stopped caring about it being proper like 500 years ago.” *cartoon logic, pulls out rotary phone from pocket and sets it on the table and dials Tawny’s number*

Damian: “Whatever you say, grandmother.” *takes the phone and starts talking to Tawny and setting up a time for tea*

Bruce later got an explanation for this, surprisingly in the form of a school project. Specifically a family tree. See, everything was going fine on Bruce’s side, but when he checked the Al Ghul side, why did he see a line connecting Captain Marvel to Ra’s?

Bruce: “What is this, Damian?” *points to Billy’s photo*

Damian: *looks at him like he’s stupid* “That’s grandmother. Grandfather and him aren’t married anymore though.”

Bruce: “Why isn’t your grandmother a woman? Also, why is it Captain Marvel?”

Damian: “Captain Marvel was my grandfather, father. Were not told this?”

Bruce: “No!”

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I think it would be so fucking funny if Bruce and Jason constantly treated Gotham (city) like a real person, and spoke about it in a strange, codependent way. Like, hearing this without a context definitely feels like they are talking about their girlfriends or something. And the rest of the family is, like, concerned.

Dick, just adopted: So, when I was in circus, we constantly travelled around! That's, like, so cool! Will we travel a lot, too?

Bruce, sighing: I used to, but she keeps calling for me. I can't really leave her alone.

Dick, confused: Your girlfriend?..

Bruce: What?

Bruce: Gotham.

Dick: whoa, WHAT

Bruce, sitting with a half-smile and little cake on the table: Good morning

Tim, who only used to see Bruce depressed during the whole year: Woah, it is someone's birthday?

Bruce: Of course. It is her day

Tim: Uh-h... Catwoman's?

Bruce: What? No, no, Gotham's?

Tim: ...What the hell. Sure.

Then Jason comes back, assured that he and Gotham are locked like that. They are besties. Gotham loves him — she brought him back. The rest of the family genuinely starts to think that both of them are specifically fucked up in the head on the level others aren't.

Jason: My life was rough, but she was here when I needed her the most. Her hands cradled me in life — then death. I am so grateful.

Damian, confused: Are you speaking of my mother, Todd?

Jason: Talia is great, but I meant Gotham.

Damian: Gotham?..

Bruce, passing by: Isn't she the best?

Jason: Hate to agree with old man, but, yeah.

Damian: *_*

Roy, staring at Jason, who is complaining on Bruce again after a patrol: Remind me again, why can't you work in another city? Even country. You love France. Move out!

Jason, frowning: There is no way I am leaving her.

Kori, confused: Her? You got a girlfriend?

Jason: ???

Jason: GOTHAM??? I AM TALKING ABOUT GOTHAM.

Kori: ...

Roy: Crowbar crowbar-ed a little close to the sun?

The Batfamily: (Voting to which city/country they want to have their family trip)

Dick, counting down anonymous voices: Alright, two votes for China. Three for Italy. One vote for Spain. And...

Dick, with his eye twitching: Two votes for Gotham. Really?

Everyone: (turn to Bruce and Jason)

Bruce and Jason, synchronically: Okay, hear me out—

[actuel-idiot]

in the next batman movie selina is back in town to con bruce wayne which he knows but he missed her so much and obviously he can afford it so he just lets her

[actuel-idiot]

I feel like Mary Poppins from the 1964 Mary Poppins movie sums up exactly how I expect Fawcett city to be.

Hyper competent

Very nice

A touch sassy

Magic out the wazoo completely casually

Goofy in the strangest of ways

Never explain anything

Anything that is explained only serves to make the experience more confusing

Everyone knows eachother somehow

Utmost respect for everything including saying bless you to dogs if they sneeze and talking with penguins and then making a dance number with them. All normal Tuesday activities.

Completely bizarre to anyone who isnt in the know

[actuel-idiot]

Inspired by this post - Jason and Duke having glowy eyes and freaking Bruce out

Bruce: Have kids, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. I thought I was gonna shit my pants.

Dick: But they’re so adorable, aren’t they?

Bruce: Unfortunately yes.

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Dick, to the Titans: OK this is my little brother, everyone has to be so nice to him!

Jason, 6'4, built like a double fridge and holding a gun: Hey.

The Titans:

Years later.

Dick, to the Titans again: OK this is my even littler brother, everyone be super super nice to him!

Duke, 6'2, built like a linebacker and lit up like a glo stick: Yo.

The Titans:

Years after that.

Dick, again, to the Titans: OK this is my littlest baby brother, everyone has to be so sweet to him! He's a baby!

Damian, 18 and 6'0, made of pure muscle and holding a sword: Greetings.

The Titans: ...where are you finding these brothers.

[actuel-idiot]

"Do I look like him?"

[actuel-idiot]

Billy, Vicky Vale and Lois Lane all being kidnapped by the same bad guy

Said bad guy develops a fear of reporters

Billy, Vicky, Lois: *sitting, tied to chairs in a circle*

Vicky: “So… who’re you guys?”

Lois: “I’m Lois Lane. Reporter. I’d shake your hand if I could, but they’re bound behind this chair.”

Vicky: “Really? As in the Lois Lane? I’m a reporter too. Vicki Vale.”

Lois: “The one and only. I’ve heard of you too. Your pieces are always so fun to read.”

Vicky and Lois: *both look to Billy*

Billy: “Uh… Billy Batson? Also a reporter.”

Vicky: “Really?”

Billy: *nods head*

Lois: “Say, you’re tiny, so can you run around getting scoops way more easily than an adult could?”

Billy: “Yes actually.”

Vicky: “Niceeeee.”

*silence*

Lois: *ropes on her chair go slack and stands up* “I suppose we should get out of here then.”

Five Minutes Later…

Lois, Vicky, Billy: *walking through a hallway, chatting about reporter stuff and run into Sivana*

Sivana: “Wha— how did you get out?!”

Vicky and Billy: *point to Lois*

Sivana: *pulls out raygun and tries to shoot at her*

Vicky: *throws a hand mirror at him and smacks him in the head*

Billy: “Nice aim, Ms Vale.”

Vicky: “Thank you, Billy.”

Just to be petty, all three of them stomped him out before leaving. They also exchanged numbers and now hang out. (The girls talk while Billy nods along eating whatever food they bought him)

Bonus:

Batman: “What are you doing in Gotham, Captain?”

Marvel: “Oh, I’m here to see Vicky.” *points to her building in the distance*

Batman: “…Captain, if she wrote a piece on you, I can just get rid of it myself.”

Marvel: “What? Why would she do that? We’re friends?”

[actuel-idiot]

scarlet johannson did not spend an entire decade fighting tooth and nail to make natasha into an actual character instead of the sex object writers wanted her to be while also having to endure the most vile, misogynistic questions during press tours for people to now disrespect her legacy because yelena is 'better'. the only reason why that is, is because of everything scarlet went through. natasha singlehandedly paved the way for every other female superhero in the mcu and don't you forget that

[actuel-idiot]

So mad at how long this took

[actuel-idiot]

so uhhh. yeah.

[actuel-idiot]

sebastian stan said david harbour has cashews and almonds in every pocket of his costume so i guess it can be canon too...? (maybe?)

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THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY MADE MY FUCKING DAY

BRO WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE HES ABOUT TO BURST INTO TEARS 😭😭😭

[actuel-idiot]

Starfire 🌟

[actuel-idiot]

Captain Marvel bringing a group of his colleagues to the rock for some reason and having to keep them from touching all the dangerous stuff he just has laying around.

Captain Marvel before even letting them inside: Listen, I've seen movies. I know that the phrase "don't touch anything" always ends badly. That's why I'm going to ask you to point at things you think you wanna touch so I can tell you what they do. Then you can decide if you really wanna touch it or not. :)

Flash: Hey, what's this doohicky inside this snow globe?

Captain: That is a very delicate spatial rift, if that glass breaks it will either tear open a portal to unspeakable horrors or it will impose on itself and create a black hole. Kind of a 50/50 shot.

Flash: Alright then. *Backs away to the other side of the room at super speed.*

Batman staring at the throne with a giant rock crushing it: Hm.?

Captain: That's the Wizard's resting place. That rock fell on him after he hit me with a train and struck me with lightning. You can light the blazer to talk to his ghost if you want.

Batman: Mm... I'm good.

Wonder Woman reaching towards the flowers hanging down from the ceiling: My, what are these flowers? I don't believe I've seen these before.

Captain: Those came from the realm of the gods, they bloom from the roots of their life tree when exposed to air. Warning, they may smell sweet now but the thorns have venom that smells like absolute death. Just don't prick yourself, they're sharp enough to cut clean through dragon scales.

Wonder Woman: I believe I shall just admire them from afar, thank you.

Superman: I'm almost scared to ask, what's with the glowing orb next to the giant demon statues?

Captain: Ah, those are the 7 deadly enemies of man, although if you're Christian you probably know them as the 7 deadly sins.

Superman: And the orb?

Captain: Don't touch it. That will set them free.

Superman: Roger that.

Green Lantern running into the room breathing heavily with cuts and scratches in various places: I just opened one of those crazy doors and I got mauled by crocodiles because I interrupted their poker game.

Captain: And that's why you should listen to me. *Pats GL on the head sympathetically while shaking his head*

[actuel-idiot]

I had an idea about a newbie/fresh outta the time bubble Billy being just really confused about everything regarding the Hero community and decided to make memes