alexanderyanthar

[alexanderyanthar]

This is a quiet post. If it reaches you, maybe we were meant to talk.

[alexanderyanthar]

It's ironic that I had a blog title "Being Myself," yet I used a pen name, have a profile picture that doesn't show myself (I will change this soon), and a bio, while true, doesn't capture who I really am. It was a reflection of how afraid I was, and still am, of being myself.

My first post suggested that I wanted to start this blog to hold myself accountable for self-expression, and here I am. However, I failed to do that and stopped writing, so I'm trying again.

The truth is, I wasn't doing it for that, but I really just wanted to make money. I think a part of me thought that it would give me what I needed. It would give me the recognition I wanted. Now, several months and experiences later, I realize that I'm just afraid of being forgotten, unseen, and ignored. But to me, it's not good enough to just be seen, I need to be seen as myself.

I have a tendency to adapt to people, even subconsciously. I always adapt to what I think people will like, and this changes as conversations go on. It makes me a highly likable person, but not because it's me, but because I reflect what I think people want. I got really good at this to the point that I couldn't even tell I was doing it. I don't want to do that anymore. At least, not to the level I did in the past. Sure, it's made me highly empathetic, which I'm grateful for, but I lost my identity. I'm just a slave to people's identities and desires. An empty vessel to serve the needs of those around me.

Would anyone really like who I am? Could anyone relate to me? If I showed myself authentically, would I be thrown away and forgotten? Be made to feel like I'm worthless, scum, trash that should be destroyed? These are the thoughts that plague me. However, this changed a lot thanks to my current partner.

She's been by my side, and I could show myself entirely, knowing I wouldn't be thrown away. She saw the ugliest sides of me, and still chose to love me. Even though she's done this, I can't help but wonder if it was a fluke, or if it can be replicated. I don't want a new relationship, but I need to know if there are others out there like me. Are there others who long for connection? Someone who truly understands them? I love my partner, but I know she doesn't understand some parts of me, and I don't understand some parts of her. We've fully explored each other, and we realize the limitations. She's someone who's so much more than "just a partner." She really became my family, whom I would do anything for. She's my mother, my sister, my lover, my daughter, my best friend, my colleague, and so intertwined with me, she feels like me.

Yet, I feel that the feminine within isn't completed yet. She satisfied all other parts and has healed me immensely, but there's something missing with my anima.

I reference Jungian psychology a lot because it's impacted me so much. It became a final piece of a puzzle for one aspect of my life (spirituality).

I've been having ongoing dreams of my anima, and it's become clearer what she needs. I need another companion, but one who's walked down a similar path as myself. I feel like I need to see something with my own eyes, my conscious eyes, from a woman, to show me something I can't even put into words.

Is this request ridiculous? Is it selfish? Is it unfair? Absolutely! I feel the absurdity of it, but I know it's what my heart really wants. It's what my unconscious is telling me I need.

So, this page was once for making money, now, it's a way to find a connection. While I specifically want to connect with women to help heal this damaged feminine principle in me, I still will talk to anyone who sends a message. Everyone is worth lending an ear to.

If you want to tell me you hate what I wrote, that's fine. If you want to tell me I'm a pig and misogynist, then please do. If you think I'm scum, I understand. Don't think these thoughts didn't pass my mind first, but I'm tired of hiding.

However, if you want to tell me you appreciate my honesty, please do. If you think that it's brave to truly say what's on my mind, then it would make me happy to hear. If you think I deserve to be heard, then I will happily write your ear off.

I realize what I'm asking and what I'm saying. Regardless, please don't hesitate to reach out to me if anything I say resonates or clashes, but do what you will. I have what I need in my life to feel satisfied, but satisfaction has never been enough for me. I am a Leo after all!

[alexanderyanthar]

There are new beginnings starting now for you. Lots of new, vibrant, vigorous energy surrounding you nearing the end of this year. It’s almost like you’ve been breaking a cycle that has kept you mentally imprisoned. Whether it be a habitual need for a certain person or dynamic, or a mental obstacle that has finally unraveled for you. You’ve become aware that in order to pursue something you really want, inner change is necessary.

The Knight of Pentacles represents dedication and hard work. Consistency is the key here. People don’t make new habits or build new connections overnight. It’s a process that requires lots of conscious effort and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. You’re about to embark on a really beautiful journey. Your creativity is restless and it needs a way out. It needs to escape you. It needs to show you the path to your own mental freedom. So let it and stop hiding in the shadows of who you are meant to be. You have a gift and the world wants to see it.

The King of Wands represents the big picture. Come back to this energy periodically. It’s easy to get lost in the process and lose sight of the bigger picture you are trying to obtain. The more you overcome challenges with the pursuit of peace, the more the Universe will gift you peace. And make sure you have a friend to bring along with you on this upcoming adventure, as your final card suggests:

“Collaboration brings more sweetness into my life and into the world.”

Don’t be afraid to be who you are.

Wishing you peace and merry manifesting, Luna

P.S thank you for your wonderful energy, this reading brought me peace as well 🕊️

[alexanderyanthar]

I used to think suffering was something to be avoided. After some time, I felt suffering was the key to fitting in the lock of happiness. Now, I believe suffering is not the key but the very path to happiness. One must constantly walk on it to truly be happy.

[alexanderyanthar]

The biggest lesson I learned the first time leaving my home country was that I took my life for granted.

[alexanderyanthar]

I have a habit of waiting for things to happen to me.

I realize more and more that this mindset has caused me a lot of pain. It made me feel like I was constantly at the whims of fate with no power. It made me feel like I couldn't act or do anything, that 'if it's the will of God, it'll happen.'

Don't get me wrong, it's one of the best choices I've made to curb my anxiety. Being okay with whatever happens has helped me immensely but has also stopped me from living a fulfilling life. It stopped me from committing to a career path because I felt like it would show up on my doorstep without having to do anything.

I still have trouble figuring out if God's knocking at my door. It seems he's been knocking for a while, but I've been answering the wrong one.

When I think about it, the life I'd find most fulfilling is one where I get to improve people's lives, especially those who are really suffering and lost. This includes people who are in crisis (hence my desire to volunteer for a crisis line) or those who are close to death, like in a hospice center.

These people have to cope with unimaginably difficult experiences, and the thought of giving those people a place to be themselves, be heard, and be given a chance to accept their lives regardless of their circumstances makes me feel whole. But I can't make a difference like this, sitting at home as a trader and working part-time. There's no interaction at all!

Now, it's time to answer the door God has knocked on. I'm putting myself out there to finally make a change in lives where I can make a difference.

Out of selfishness, I hope to hear the words, "I couldn't have done this without you."

[alexanderyanthar]

Totally Broken

I can't describe the pain that comes with living without a purpose. It really is some kind of hell. Everything is bleak, colorless, and pointless.

It's a gnawing kind of pain. It eats at you until you become so miserable that you become apathetic. For me, that's when things get scary. Apathy means I'm standing on the ledge between life and death. It's a scary place, but it's a place for change.

It's a sanctuary to me. It's utterly painful, but it's comforting. I've been there so often that it's like visiting an old friend. While I suffer in bitter existence, it keeps me company. It reflects my feelings and tells me surprisingly positive things. Things like, "You can't see this ledge anymore if you decide to step off."

I don't want to stop seeing the ledge. Yes, I'm totally broken, but I like the ledge's company. Thanks to the ledge, a revelation came my way.

The broken record returns, saying, "I really want to help people because I feel like it's my purpose." However, instead of only writing on Tumblr in hopes that someone will be impacted, I decided to find people standing on their own ledges and stand with them, trying to show them that this doesn't have to be the last time they see the ledge.

I've decided to volunteer at a crisis center hotline. The ledge is a comfortable place, but instead of contemplating a lonely death, it can be a place to appreciate the fullness of life. Enjoy the view for what it is instead of what it can do for you.

[alexanderyanthar]

I've been struggling to work recently. For context, I work from home, and sometimes I get too comfortable. The stress, anxiety, and expectations of a workplace are great motivators. I never realized this until reflecting on how well I used to work outside of the house and how poorly I work now.

When I spoke to my partner about this, she recommended I go to the library or a cafe to work. Just this thought motivated me to do some work at home. I'm pretty introverted, but the buzz of people can really bring up my focus. Although, that's not the only problem.

Another issue is how I orient my day. It's not something I thought much about, but the circumstances forced me to look at it. I realize that I'm someone who can do mental work amazingly in the morning, but as the day progresses, I just get worse. This may seem like a simple fix and it is. The main issue is that I'm really sensitive to interactions with my partner during this time. For example, when I work during the day, and I know I may have to talk with my partner, it kinda psyches me out to the point that I avoid working.

Let me explain. I really like giving my full attention to my partner. When she wants to talk to me, I want to drop whatever I'm doing and invest in our conversation. If I'm in the middle of work, I can't exactly do that, so it makes me feel bad. It's a really weird issue, but the fix we came up with is that I wake up earlier to finish the work I want!

I know there's no real point in sharing this, but I want to share my thoughts, like talking to my friends. Maybe it'll inspire one of you!

Anyway, I'm pretty proud of the solutions we came up with because bringing in money and doing good work is important to me. I want to participate in the house I own and carry my weight. Having minimal income and not feeling like I'm carrying my weight has shot me into full-blown depressive episodes that sometimes would last months. It's definitely a sore spot of mine!

Hope you had a good weekend!

[alexanderyanthar]

You can't run away from destiny

[alexanderyanthar]

Sometimes, the best course of action is sitting around and doing nothing.

[alexanderyanthar]

Change is a pain, isn't it?

I find it funny that everything in existence is inseparable from change, yet we resist it. I'm not speaking from a high horse here; I struggle to deal with change just as much as everyone else.

A family or friend passes away, and we wish we could have them back; you break up with your SO, and you wish you could go back to the way things used to be; you crash your car and break your leg to the point that you'll never walk the same and hate yourself for making that choice. All of these situations suck ass. They're horrible, and the pain you feel from being stuck in a situation is the worst. But the truth is that it's no different than taking a step forward after standing still. The only factor that makes it different is how we approach those situations.

I wrote a post about a weird near-death experience I had, which started something for me. I realized that the answer to change is simply acceptance. When I accepted life every moment, nothing became totally unbearable anymore. When my dog passed, I was broken and cried non-stop for days. But in my heart, I accepted it was just how it was, and I could heal quickly. I was broken, but I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to possess a moment, a person, or an animal but simply appreciate its existence and my participation in it. Thanks to learning immediate acceptance, I felt like I always healed faster than others. It feels like a shortcut to the grieving cycle.

I still struggle to accept change sometimes, but I always return to the same thought: If I can accept it, it will be fine.

[alexanderyanthar]

I always thought being God would be full of joy and awe, like the most euphoric feeling ever. But it was so anticlimactic. It was just a void of being. The words that popped up in my head were Absolute Nothingness. Funnily enough, the more I experienced life, the more I realized it was the most beautiful experience I had ever had. The more I realized that it truly is God.

[alexanderyanthar]

A daydream I had recently

I was at a hospice center speaking to an old man close to death. He tells me about his regrets. I tell him,

“You did what you could.”

“You may regret it, but it's happened, so come to terms with accepting."

“The best you can do for now is send energy to the world and live out what you wish you could do."

“Or maybe you'll get lucky and get a chance to make amends.”

At that moment, the person he wants to make amends with shows up.

It's a woman who I assume is his child. The old man is afraid to start talking, so I start for him. This makes him worried, and he gets frustrated with me. I tell him,

“What do you have to lose now? Your life? It's almost gone already so take the shot!”

“Look, I already started for you, so just continue.”

The daughter anxiously awaits the conversation. I wanted to leave and give them space, but the old man asked me to stay. He tells his daughter,

“If it wasn't for him, I couldn't do this right now.”

These are words I wish to hear in my waking life. Then he proceeded to tell her his regrets. After he finished, they made up.

The daughter and I leave the room, and she hugs me tightly. Her eyes were full of tears, thanking me for what I did. We sit and have coffee, to which the daydream ends.

[alexanderyanthar]

Life is never short of surprises. I was lazy in bed this morning (my partner and I work from home) when I heard a knock at the door. I didn’t think much of it and assumed it wasn’t anything important. Being startled, I got my ass out of bed to see my partner (yes, we sleep separately cause she gets horrible restless leg), to which I heard a knock again. I decided to see what it was about.

I opened the door to a young man. He asked about a catering company I used to run from my home. This took me aback because we don’t usually get visitors but have people message us on our facebook page. On top of that, we have an automatic message on the Facebook page that basically says we’re on indefinite hiatus. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t think too much of it, so I sent him off.

However, I felt something was weird about the interaction. As soon as I saw him, I felt he wasn’t here about the catering company. I was plagued by the feeling that it was someone my partner knew. His name even popped up in my head, but I ignored it. Well, I tried to ignore it. 

The thought consumed me so much that I couldn’t even work out properly. So, I messaged my partner, asking her, "What’s the likelihood this dude would show up at our door?" She told me the guy just sent her a message saying he showed up at our house.

Naturally, I was freaking out with excitement and shock. I’ve always trusted my gut, but this was the craziest case of synchronicity I ever experienced.

I thought I'd share this crazy story with y’all, lol.

[alexanderyanthar]

This gon' be a long one, folks

I had a really weird experience in 2018. For those of you who’ll read my stuff more often, you’ll see it was a really impactful year. Anyway, I don’t know if I can call it a near-death experience, but it certainly felt like it.

For context, I recently quit my job as a cook after 2.5 years. I was about to get promoted as I got the owner's trust. He asked me to keep him updated on how things are running and if anything I noticed could be fixed to make work easier for all of us. I was thrilled to hear this, and after a busy brunch service on Sunday, I had my first critique. 

My sous chef was relatively young and inexperienced, so it should be no surprise that she didn’t help us much. To make matters more complicated, the entire line cook staff was relatively new, with the sole exception being me. So, my critique was to get everyone more experience on the other stations so service could go more smoothly. This feels pretty harmless, right? Well, I woke up the following day to a text from my sous chef telling me that I should ‘shut the fuck up and know my place.’ I was a ‘stupid line cook who knew nothing they were talking about.’ She said she was way better than me, and I told her, ‘If you think I’m so useless, then have fun running the kitchen yourself.’

Yup, I quit and never looked back. I heard from a friend that she gave her two weeks less than a month after I left and stopped going to work after 1 of those two weeks since she broke down crying, not being able to handle it.

This seems like a win, but it sparked something deep in me. I realized I hated who I was and that no one liked me there. The sad reality is that while she was horrible for saying those things, I wasn’t doing much better by being a total dick to so many people cause I hated myself. 

To prove my point, I got the last write-up to fire someone because he wasn’t the fastest worker, talked a lot, and the sous chef didn’t like him. I closed the kitchen with him and found something he had done incorrectly. I told the sous chef about it, and he was gone. People hated me for doing that, and rightfully so. But even then, I was the one who stayed with him after work, talked with him for hours, and kept him company, not them. Anyway, I'm going on a tangent, but I will say that I admitted what I did to him after I quit and apologized, and he forgave me and said he’s way happier.

So, I felt like I was an asshole, no one liked me, and I was fat, but I wanted to change. On my first week free from work, I thought, when was the last time I liked who I was? When was the last time I was happy? It was the last time I went to church and was religious. That was around 2014, 4 years from 2018, and as if no break existed, I picked up my rosary and started praying.

With one part done, my next goal was to lose weight, and this is where things get weird. 

I was always obsessive, especially when working out. There was no building up to an athlete level; it was all or nothing. I had a bike with a trainer so I could bike in place. My dumb ass decided it was a great idea to push my heart rate all the way to probably 164-170 for one whole hour after over two years of no exercise. To make this even crazier, I drank a lot, smoked a pack a day for about six months, and had a blood pressure of about 150/100. Some of you probably know where this is going. 

After the second day of this insanity, my chest started to hurt a lot. I thought it wasn’t a big deal until 2 hours go by. Then, 3 hours, 4 hours, 5 hours, to the point that I start feeling this dread. It's like something terrible is about to happen. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe, and then it gets horrifying. I can feel the left side of my jaw going numb. At this point, I’m painfully aware of what’s happening. My brother, high as a kite on weed in the next room, is passed out. My mom’s at work, and I’m freaking out. I didn’t end up calling an ambulance but succumbed to my rapidly approaching fate.

I had thoughts of how my mom and brother would find me dead on the floor, and it scared me. I freaked out that I was a low-life good-for-nothing who never did anything useful. I internally screamed, ‘I’ve done nothing! How can I die now?!’ But what happened next is that I decided that if God wants me to die, then so be it. It’s my time to go. A whole insane series of events happened after, but I’ll save that for another post.

Obviously, I didn’t end up dying as I’m here writing this today. I don’t actually know what happened. I’ve had EKG readings after, and no abnormalities were shown. My blood pressure is now around 125/80, and I’m no longer overweight. I also don’t exercise like a maniac but slowly build my strength. 

While I’ll never know if what I experienced was real, it had a massive impact on me. It made me free from regrets and ready to die any day because I felt like I almost died at my worst. If I’m okay with dying at my worst, then I’m okay to die any day. Now, I live my life in the way that I feel is most suited to me. For me, it’s not the cliche statement: live every day as if it’s your last, but accept yourself if it is your last day. If I never do anything huge and impact people's lives positively, then I’m okay with that because it’s meant to be. Life will happen as it must, and if I die the next second, then I’m okay because I’m satisfied with how I live.

[alexanderyanthar]

The Little Toad

I recently found a Fowler’s toad in my backyard, which was a bit weird since there’s no nearby access to bonds or dense forests. I came across it when I almost mowed it while mowing my lawn.  I didn’t think anything of it until I saw it the next time I mowed my lawn about a week or two later. Upon reading ‘The Book of Symbols,’ I found toads represent resurrection and rebirth. I felt like it may have been a sign as I was going through a period of deep depression and trying to find a direction in life. Sadly, the next time I mowed the lawn, it would be subject to the merciless blade of the lawnmower. It broke my heart, but I accepted reality. Nature is equally cruel and beautiful.

My immediate thought was that I ruined my chance at rebirth. I thought I’d feel this way forever, but I felt this was just my depression talking. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that rebirth could only happen if death came first. So, I intuitively felt that my rebirth would be complete the next time I saw a Fowler’s toad. 

Fast-forward to today, after a grueling two weeks and an insanely emotional weekend, I’m starting to pick up emotionally and feel I’m heading in a good direction. I feel connected with existence today. Everything is a blessing and a privilege that I get to experience. On my drive to the nature path that I take my lovely doggos to walk, I feel a deep sense of serenity and tranquility. As I enter the path, I see a little Fowler’s toad hopping across, realizing my rebirth is complete, and now I begin a new chapter.

[alexanderyanthar]

The Devil - A Misunderstood Archetype

Imo, the devil is a misunderstood archetype. It gets a lot of hate, but there'd never be growth without its challenging perspective. I mean, it's thanks to the serpent that Adam and Eve got consciousness, right?

Anyway, I mentioned my deeply religious period in a previous post, but this daydream I had is the push I unconsciously wanted and needed to free myself from organized religion. It was also the push to free myself from what people told me God was and instead learn about God straight from the source.

I was standing in front of the throne of God, which was made of gold and jewels. He wore a golden crown, a scepter, and a maroon robe. He was resting his head on his hand, looking at me. I felt like I was supposed to kneel in reverence, but instead, I walked past him into the darkness.