if-im-being-honest

[if-im-being-honest]

I finally started working on cardio with a vertical climber we've got at home I'm doing 20 minute workout sessions right now where i repeat this circuit twice:

-2 min normal grip upper handle bar extension

-1 min sprint using lower handle bars

-1 min reverse grip full extension

-1 min up and down pulse squats using lower handle bars

-1 min sprint using lower handle bars

-1 min alternate between 6 full extensions then 6 short strides

-1 min sprint using lower handle bars

I'm hoping to work my way up to doing 60 minute workouts at some point. This is only the second time that I've done a workout but so far I've noticed that I feel more calm and have more energy which is cool

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I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. What's the point anymore. I can't do anything right. I hope I die in my sleep tonight that will be what's best for everyone.

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Please don't let being the weird, queer neuro divergent kid stop you from taking care of your body. I feel like within these communities it's quite normalised to not take care of yourself. I'm talking about when we self exclude ourselves because our identity as the weird or queer or neurodivergent person can feel like it clashes with the clean girl or gym bro identity you associate with taking care of yourself by going to the gym, eating nutritious meals or maintaining personal hygiene. I feel like drinking lots of energy drinks staying up until 3am staying inside all day etc can sometimes feel like something to aspire to even when some of the people doing this are talking about the reasons why they don't have other options and the downsides of it. I think sometimes younger people in particular who are new to these communities feel a pressure to do these things in order to fit in and I just want to make this post saying it's not only ok but also a great idea to do anything you can to take care of your body, it's ok to go to the gym and move your body in a way that makes you happy and healthy, it's ok to play a sport try not to feel discouraged by anyone trying to make you feel unwelcome (I know it can be really hard especially in the countries where trans athletes are being discriminated against but please do try if you can) it's ok to have a skincare routine it's ok to feel good about yourself your community should uplift you not make you feel unwell.

and obviously I'm not talking about people who either literally can't take care of themselves or really struggle due to physical/mental/financial etc issues I really hope no one feels like I'm trying to tell you your not doing a good job or trying hard enough or anything like that because that's not the case at all and I do understand that there are many reasons why someone may not be able to take care of themselves the aim of this post is too discuss one of these reasons which is self excluding due to our identity and if this doesn't apply to you then that's ok too

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finally got that appointment and I was told it was probably just anxiety because I'm doing exams right now... its been almost 2 years of these symptoms and it's getting worse

I'm so annoyed I waited 9 months to see a neurologist but it turns out the appointment was accidentally cancelled by my doctor and no one bothered to tell me so now i have to go back to my doctor to try and get another appointment which will probably take just as long and my symptoms are getting so much worse. I've got headaches everything hurts tics memory loss loss of mobility and balance no accomodations no diagnosis and no idea what's going on this is so frustrating

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getting better at cardio

ok so i notoriously cant run like at all and it annoys me so much, I've tried doing couch to 5k a few times but im just really bad at cardio however I have been trying to improve my health I've started eating healthy, going to the gym and stretching daily to get more flexible and the next step /i want to take to get healthier is too get better at cardio my aim is to be able to do 20 minutes of cardio such as jump roping running biking

3 days a week for 30 minutes

its mainly high impact cardio I struggle with

I'm going to start with 20 minutes of jumping rope then do 20 minutes of step ups or I think we still have a mountain climber exercise machine thing and then I'll try to do 20 minutes of running

-swimming (at leisure centre I have a membership for)

-hiit workout (look for online hiit workouts

-running (there's a park near my house I could run round)

-jumping rope

-biking (in good weather)

update: ok so i just remembered I have a vertical climber so Im planning on using it for one episode of a show i like evryday to improve my cardio

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next steps to improving physical health

So I'm definitely getting there in terms of eating right and working out or going on a walk regularly however I still want my body too feel stronger so here's the main things i think I need to work on

flexibility training: 3 times a week (same days I'll workout) 10 to 15 minute session combining breathe work, static stretch and dynamic stretch

learn diaphragmatic breathing and do breathing exercises (I am getting this info from Healthline)

warm up and then do static stretches

and dynamic stretches

hold or perform each stretch for 15 to 30 seconds

dynamic stretches before lifting and static stretches after

2. cardio: I want to be able to comfortably do 20 minutes of any kind of cardio eg. running jump rope

I'm going to just try to do 20 mins and see how I do and I'm going to assume I am capable of 20 minutes of cardio

3. posture: I want to do more to improve my posture

4. skills like agility, balance etc

Update: so I've only been doing stretching for 4 days and I'm already so much more flexible and feel healthier I think it's because it counteracts the effect of my anxiety and kind of sends a message to my brain to chill

update: Iv'e been stretching regularly my gym is still closed but I'm going to a different one tomorrow probably anyway I have decided to start working on improving my posture I have a posture brace i know people have mixed opinions on these but I'm trying it anyway and I'll probably include some extra back stretches idk how else to improve my posture yet I'm probably going to do some research

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Vent post tw internalised ableism

I need to prove I'm as good as them. I need to do it I don't care if I'm disabled and will struggle I have to be able to do it anyway I need to be able to drive I need to be able to run a couple of miles I need to have a job I need to stop being such a failure I just want to feel good enough I was supposed to be better than this I have more potential please just let me be good enough

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The leisure centre I usually work out at is closed for repairs until next month so this is my at home workout equipment I'll be using

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I made myself a new meal to try today it took an hour for me too cook then I got too scared to actually eat it because I'm pretty much terrified of getting food poisoning and now I'm having noodles instead

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i hope your guys take away from my blog that self harm sucks and that any good thing i say about it is because im so addicted to it and have built my whole life around it and am holding onto so hard because its the only piece of me i have left the only piece of my life i have left after stuff and it really does suck but also i love itt and so grateful for it because its kept me alive both literally and metaphorically and also im so addicted it's kinda ridiculous lmao

[if-im-being-honest]

next steps in improving my health

so ive beemaking a lot of progress in terms of my diet and working out and I reachedd all the targets I initially set for myself that I got from the NHS website and I've been using the bbc bitesize gcse PE resources to learn more about health (side note there are some realy cool GCSE options that I definitely did not get offered did you know there are some kids out there doing GCSE journalism, moving image arts, learning for life and work, and hospitality) anyways here are some of my next health goals

improve my posture

flexibility

cardiovascular endurance

skills: agility, coordination, reaction time and speed

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[if-im-being-honest]

If you guys are studying for upcoming exams rn please take care of yourself my dad's a tutor and a kid just fell asleep mid way through his GCSE Spanish lesson because he's doing so much stuff he's exhausted himself. It's ok to rest.

[if-im-being-honest]

Update: I definitely want to cut but it's valentine's day next week and my bf will definitely see the scars wherever I cut and I don't want to upset him I'm trying really hard to wait until after valentine's day at least

ive discovered a wierd new emotion where i want to self destruct but none of my old habits are even that appealing. i don't want to feel ill from starving, i don't want to clean up the blood from cutting i don't want the loss of control i get from binge drinking i don't want the embarrasment of being alone because im isolating myself from my friends, its like ivve gotten too tired to fuck my life up its kinda strange

[if-im-being-honest]

ive discovered a wierd new emotion where i want to self destruct but none of my old habits are even that appealing. i don't want to feel ill from starving, i don't want to clean up the blood from cutting i don't want the loss of control i get from binge drinking i don't want the embarrasment of being alone because im isolating myself from my friends, its like ivve gotten too tired to fuck my life up its kinda strange

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Being autistic is being constantly reminded that something about you is intrinsically wrong and being punished for it by society

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Ok I've been trying to change some aspects of my life style to improve my physical health and I've decided to try a few things for my mental health as well. I do have a mental health issues and I'm autistic (and probably ADHD according to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with autism) I probably won't become magically mentally well but it might help a little to make a few changes

Connect with others. Recently because of shifts with friendship groups and people dropping out and stuff I haven't really had people to talk to that I actually feel connected to I have people to hang out with but it doesn't feel the same so this is something I think will really help my mental health. There are a few people who I actually do connect with that I don't see super often so I want to try and talk to them a bit more I think that would be good.

Journalling, I used to do a lot of journalling and it really helped me process my emotions and be more assertive since I could work out what I really wanted so I want to try and do a bit more of that

Work on feeling more confident. In the past my confidence levels have come from other people and not from me I want to work on acting more confident I want to be able to feel comfortable in places and I want to improve my self esteem