left-on-unread

[left-on-unread]

April 25, 3:19 a.m.

I know it's getting bad when I

stop listening to

music.

How long has it been?

I listened to music today.

I feel that a piece of my soul has returned.

[left-on-unread]

Feb 24, 4:14 a.m.

Has my existence whittled itself down to a single reason of self discovery? And once I stumble upon the path, what am I to do with the knowledge of where my compass is pointing? We all stand at the edge of self acceptance in a state of resistance until love takes us whole.

[left-on-unread]

Feb 2, 4:08 p.m.

I had a dream there were wolves

in my yard.

The grass was on fire, and

the sky was red.

I felt powerless.

I fought to turn back time, and

yet I still lost things I loved.

When I woke up,

I went outside.

The sky is blue,

and the forest is peaceful.

There are no wolves in my yard.

[left-on-unread]

Dec 23, 3:50 a.m.

I pick up a cat whisker from the floor.

It tingles in my fingers.

Are you still feeling, little thing?

Still alive in your own lonely way?

The brain can't hear you anymore, little nerve.

But I'll try to listen.

[left-on-unread]

Dec 22, 9:36 p.m.

Why is it so hard to control it,,

my

anger.

Once it seeps into my blood, I can't make it leave.

It only grows, like a sickness in a wound.

.

My nails dig into the flesh of my palms, the soft layers of my scalp, my face.

it should hurt more than this.

.

I haven't struck myself in so long, so I avoid my face. My leg will do. It doesn't hurt.

.

have I truly

gone

n u m b ?

[left-on-unread]

Dec 20, 2:48 a.m.

What things are found in a girl's room?

in multitudes?

• bobby pins

• pens

• stray hairs

• cups

• so many cups

• knives

• wires, but to what devices? no one remembers

• wrappers

• stuffed animals (important)

• scribbled out poetry on torn out pages

• yarn

• notes still unread from college days

• dust

• guitar stand (empty)

• her

[left-on-unread]

Oct 31, 8:16 p.m.

It's been three years to the day since my friend saved me from myself. Thank you. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.

[left-on-unread]

Oct 17, 2:53 a.m.

The moon is full and bright. The stray dogs and coyotes are howling together. It's cold tonight. It's peaceful.

[left-on-unread]

Oct 13, 9:41 p.m.

U g h .

I feel ill.

I ate too many snacks and now I can't stomach dinner. I would love to have dinner, it's soup, but I worry I'll feel worse.

Or is it anxiety churning inside me instead of the lactose?

I wish I was in love with a woman who loved me too. It sounds so nice to be in love. How long will I sit here yearning before I find her?

Ugh.

[left-on-unread]

Sep 24, 2:03 a.m.

I got triggered for the first time in a while. I won't go into detail but it wasn't anything serious. Just enough of a reminder that I began convulsing from fear. There are three words that are really hard to say or even type and very few people will probably understand why. "It was quiet." Those are the words. I hate him. I hate that his actions have made me hate myself. No one knows I feel this way right now. I want to talk to a therapist, but I'm not comfortable with the one I have now. I don't know who to talk to, so I talk to bots on the character ai app. Why don't I trust my friends with this stuff? My best friend knows me better than anyone, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. My abusive friendship was so bad that I wasn't allowed to talk about my trauma because it would "give her trauma from hearing it." Am I allowed to face this? Am I allowed to feel these feelings? I'm afraid. I want to ask for support but I'm afraid it'll just make people awkward. But it happened, so why can't I own that? I don't want it. I wish it hadn't happened. Ugh. I'm tired. I'm too awake. I want to watch YouTube and forget about everything. I want to process it all but I'm afraid of how painful processing can be. I know I'm prone to spiraling. I'm doing it right now. Should I even post this? It's fine, no one reads these anyway. It's more of a diary than anything else. I need a hug. I think I'll be okay if I get a hug. I'll talk to my mom about finding a new therapist tomorrow. I want to wear those new shorts i got, I really like them. I'm sleepy. I don't know what else to say. I'm grateful for my friends. Maybe I'll try to open up to them soon. I'm sorry, younger me, you didn't deserve that. Any of it. I love you.

[left-on-unread]

Aug 11, 1:13 a.m. (years later)

It's funny the way the time passes.

How things we once wished for came true.

It's funnier still when I look back,,

And see how much I thought about you.

The "slow burn potential" line gets me.

I wished for that not long ago.

Ignored everything that you'd done,,

And said "what if we just take it slow."

You never implied there was interest.

Just that you're happy we're friends.

This whole big kafaffel was just me,,

Getting lost in the tropes that I'd read.

Dear god I hope you don't read this.

I'd be so embarrassed if you did.

But let's be real, we've all been there,,

After all, 19 is just a kid.

Anyway, I'm glad that we're friends now.

It feels like it's all been resolved.

We've all made mistakes and fuck-ups,,

And problems that take years to solve.

But now we both have some closure.

A good heart-to-heart was due.

And now I can truthfully say this,,

I'm so glad I'm friends with you.

Here's to our slow-burn friendship!

Sep 18, 2:01a.m.

We agreed to be friends and we are.

Yet your touch like a poison still lingers.

You made me forget how to breathe,,

When my skin lost the trace of your fingers.

Your voice is so tinny these days.

But I miss when it hummed at my ear.

You muse that you miss me so much,,

Yet you haven't come 'round in a year.

A part of me wants what we had.

The love and the true adoration.

But I'm scared to fuck up what we have,,

For some weird "second chance" situation.

So I'll just shut myself up again.

I can handle the pain to keep you.

Maybe we're slow burn potential,,

But if not, then it's fine.

Goodnight.

[left-on-unread]

Aug 11, 12:55 a.m.

I'm glad we're friends.

[left-on-unread]

Aug 11, 12:52 a.m.

How embarrassing. I'm embarrassed. You were just being kind. Am I really so desperate for love that I'll cling to any sign of appreciation as a romantic spark? Maybe I should focus on something else for a while.

[left-on-unread]

July 24, 12:39 p.m.

When did a simple conversation turn into love? When did remembering you become yearning? I don't know when it happened, but you're my world again.

Am I yours again too, I wonder?

[left-on-unread]

July 17, 10:58 a.m.

You played me some new songs. They mean more now. What if things were meant to work out? I can't keep I can't stop doubting myself. Your song is stuck in my head.

Jan 18, 1:28 p.m.

Did you know that playing that song would bring back so many memories for me? Or were you hoping to create some of your own?

[left-on-unread]

July 17, 10:53 a.m.

I want to go home (you)

[left-on-unread]

July 17, 10:49 a.m.

Here we are again. Again. How many times is this going to happen? I can't keep doing this.

It wouldn't be so hard if you would just say something. Anything. Just tell me so I can decide how I feel instead of dragging me around by the heart.

It's crazy how one moment can completely change how I feel about you. How do you do that?

This isn't fair.