minaoakdown

[minaoakdown]

Defend me where I can see.

Defend me somewhere I can feel loved.

Defend me to show me you pick me.

[minaoakdown]

“I’ve always been low maintenance.” I say.

I break a little inside.

[minaoakdown]

The worst feeling?

Knowing you have everything and are thriving in life and I’m in a third world country struggling for my life and battling alone to get one third of what you have.

It’s not jealousy that fills my lungs, though.

No, it’s the feeling that I could be living those good things with you, that I could be there if only I had been born slightly more lucky. Slight more fortunate.

I feel like I will drag you down if I talk too much about my life. I feel like I’m dying when you stop to chat with one of your British flatmates because I wish I was part of this life. I wish I was there.

Meanwhile, I’m only here… in my third world country, laying in my bed that is on the tiny living room of my small house. Counting the cents to make my money become dollars and European pounds so I can maybe try to a possible scholarship at your university.

I’m sorry… I know it’s not your fault. I know it’s not mine either. It hurts me so much I don’t know how to act around you anymore.

The feeling that you and people are better without me is coming back again…

I feel terrible.

[minaoakdown]

God play his own mischievous games, so maybe, in the end, the biggest revenge will be to give the key of his kingdom to the atypical and deficit bred, to those have denied his name so many times it lost its meaning, and leave nothing to the plaster plastic children of his own who lived by his word. Leaving all unhappy, like it was always meant to be.

[minaoakdown]

I’m forced to talk about relationships with you using “how does your perfect man treats you like?”

Each “he” stabs my chest as a knife recently sharpened.

We could have been something because I fit the criteria.

I’m just not a boy.

[minaoakdown]

“It’s abuse.” You look up, holding tears, and then back to me. “That’s what he is doing. He is abusing you. He-“

I look at you, empty from emotion.

“I know.”

Because, really, what else is there to say?

- Little Miss Perfect (coming undone) by MinaOakdown.

[minaoakdown]

I walk into the ICU

"Marceline, it's just you and me in the wreckage of the world"

So many people needing tubes to even breath, how can you be here too?

"it must be so confusing for a little girl"

I enter your room

"Are we too young for this?"

Somehow you are there too, lost half of your weight but so did I

"feel like I can't move"

I tell you all about how good I am, how I am fine and you don't need to worry. You tell me I need to pay rent.

"its shattering my heart, it's tearing me apart"

They say it's time for me to go

"every time I miss you baby I can hear the sound... of breaking down."

I turn my back and leave.

"We'll be a fine line. We'll be alright."

[minaoakdown]

Because there are some days I need someone to hold me and no one will.

Some days where I feel fragile and need someone to hold me tenderly and say it's alright.

The cold winter harsh against my skin as I search for a refugee inside my skin.

I ask myself in my last coherent thought before I fall asleep: am I this unlikeable?

[minaoakdown]

Did you just ever stop and think "they screwed me up"?

Do you ever, all of sudden, feel a deep ache in your soul and feels - actually touches - the pieces broken within you and can't help but feel how much they screwed you over?

Maybe- no, I know it is part of healing.

But worse than being hurt is to feel the small bruises that are still tender to the touch.

Why did you screw me up?

Please, I was just a child.

I looked up to you!

Please, give my childhood back.

- What's left of us by Mina Oakdown.

[minaoakdown]

You asked me to say "amen".

I ask you to say "I love you".

It's not the same.

[minaoakdown]

it took me long to realize how different our lives are. how distinguished from one another. the appalling difference between them. even with everything that happened you were given the time and space to play games, have electronic devices, draw, write... you had a room full of stuff you loved and that you picked. meanwhile my room was only in my imagination. the blank walls still haunt me. sometimes I close my eyes and I'm back on my mattress on the floor gathering dust while you drew on your comfortable bed. the difference is too big not to be noticed and I am too tired to try and defend you maybe I will just let go because no one ever thought about my needs I can't wait for to see them either.

-Our love, Mina Oakdown.

[minaoakdown]

I breath.

I can't feel the world around me.

Blind rage shooks me to my core.

The nonconformist of being unloved.

I'd change everything to have you again.

I'd change everyone for that too.

My lungs are too restricted.

I breath.

I cry.

[minaoakdown]

You want to manipulate how I speak.

I refuse to be part of your fights.

You want me to put you as someone responsible and just, while you're not.

[minaoakdown]

vision boards are great, but I'm 100% afraid of what 2021 me wanted my love life to look like because, girl? you were down bad and it was not good for you

[minaoakdown]

Dear miss Never-Made-One-Thing-Wrong-In-Her-Life but still not trusted by her father

[minaoakdown]

I wasn't born with tragedy in my blood. I was born with your DNA in my veins.

- MinaOakdown.

[minaoakdown]

[02/04/2024, 2:28 pm]

[about video essays] not necessarily has to be, like, nerdy, anime, fandom stuff, sometimes I get some serial killers and all

[02/04/2024, 2:28 pm]

oh yeah that's actually you coded.

- Your Unknowing Love Letters, Our Story by Mina.