#& im sad their relationship ended the way it did

[lavenderspence]

unexplained sadness | A.H.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!reader | Word Count: 2.5K

Content warning: pre-established relationship, depression, mental health struggles, mentions of therapy, angst, supportive!aaron

Summary: you've struggled to find a way out from under the darkness for years, but you were thankful he offered the final push you needed.

A/N: I drafted this a few days, contemplating if I should even post it. it's very self-indulgent. I wrote it at a time when I wasn't able to understand my own feelings, and im still not sure how. I think this is the realest my writing has been, but i do think I'm posting this with the most vulnerability as well. I want you all to remember, just in case you're struggling - you're amazing, you're enough and I believe in you. Life is crazy, but it will get better, allow yourself to be patient, and most importantly, take the greatest, most gentle care of yourself 💕

You looked around, well aware of the amount of relief that should be flooding your body right now. It usually did at the end of a case, where another monster was put to rot in a cage much appropriate for its’ sins. 

But even knowing what you should be feeling, the simple truth was - you weren’t feeling anything at all, and you hadn’t for a while. 

And even when you did feel something, you could never explain it. It was a mess, where many emotions fought a battle, but in the end, all it came down to was an endless void where the darkness and despair of the unexplained won out.

The only thing you could feel at that moment was the pressure of the vest compressing against your chest. It stole the little amount of oxygen in your lungs in favor of an overwhelming amount of hidden sadness. 

Even with the sun high up in the sky and the warmth it was supposed to spread all over your skin, you felt cold - no warmth actually penetrated the top layer of your skin. And the chatter - EMTs, police officers, and outlookers, you couldn’t process anything at all. 

It was like you were standing there, like a statue, a headstone to remind everyone of your presence once upon a time, but not anymore. Physically, you were alive and aware, but mentally, you’ve been fighting a battle you could confidently admit you were losing. 

Your thoughts were deeply wrapped in a cobweb of confusion and melancholy, a never-ending cycle that couldn’t stop repeating itself. It felt like you didn’t exist outside the realm of your own despair. Each day the shadows around you persisted in their pursuit of you, dragging in with them this empty feeling, designed to leave you feeling like a loner. 

The string holding you tethered to the person you’d been before was tinning each day as the distance between you grew bigger and bigger. You no longer even felt her presence at all. For weeks you’ve fought a silent battle against your own mind, and even your body sometimes. 

You tried to hide behind a mask of fake smiles and nights spent around the people you trusted most, hoping you’d feel better, but you never did. You only felt this state you were in, as it gained speed and grew in volume. 

But there was a certain pair of eyes that saw the subtle changes in you, straight into a place even you couldn’t see. Warm chocolate, sometimes shining amber in the sun - somehow strict but also oh so soft. 

You thought you hid it well, but you could never hide yourself from him, and you should have known. 

Your hotel room was dark and quiet, safe for the gentle light and sound that came from the TV. A movie was playing, an early 2000s song in the background. The duvet felt heavy over your body, and you longed to kick it off in an effort to feel less trapped, but you couldn’t find the strength to. It was like your whole body was paralyzed in a fatal position with your muscles locked and your eyes open but unseeing. 

Case after case came, and each day it got harder. You had to try and perfect a mask you were getting tired of wearing, tired of hiding behind. You couldn’t skip work, lest you wanted to feel like more of a failure than you already did sometimes. 

You felt scared to admit to your struggles, half unsure what your struggles were to begin with, half unwilling to unload on others. You were willing to suffer and fight this on your own until you either had nothing left to fight against or no strength left to fight at all.

Your mind was working overtime, half empty and dark, half full and constantly spinning, you didn’t even process the foreign sound at first. Only it wasn’t so foreign - a series of gentle raps or someone’s knuckles against the door. Knocking. They were just enough to alert you of a newcoming presence but not disturb you or others in any way. 

You didn’t move a muscle. Even when two more knocks followed, even more gentle than the first, all you could do was blink. Even with the soft call of your name that came seconds later, you couldn’t find the strength to answer or even get up. You couldn’t even twitch. 

You stood there frozen in place, in time. Frozen between the walls of a prison of your own mind’s making. 

The knocks stopped, as did the voice calling out your name, maybe finally resigned to the fact you weren’t answering at all. 

Giving up on you the way you’d given up on yourself. 

You would be surprised if you didn’t feel a tiny bit of relief at being left on your own. Too bad the relief didn’t actually last long - just seconds after the lock beeped, signaling it was unlocked, and the door was slowly opening, bathing the room in the hallway light. 

Even with the small, hesitant steps this person took, you were instantly able to tell by the sounds of his feet hitting the wooden floor who it was. 

“Did you know it’s actually illegal to break into someone’s space?” Your voice came out raspy from misuse. You weren’t sure how much time had actually passed since you made it to your room, but if you had to guess, probably several hours had gone by.

“I do know that actually, it’s criminal law 101.” He retorted before you felt the mattress dip close to your feet, “You missed dinner.” He mussed.

A part of you couldn’t handle having a conversation with him, not right now. Not in the complete darkness, and the quiet stretched between you both. 

“I wasn’t hungry.” You answered simply. You waited for him to say something, and you waited and waited, and he wasn’t saying anything. It was like he was looking for the right words to use, so as not to offend you, or set you off. But you wouldn’t feel any of it if he did - just as the night was dark outside and so was your mind. 

“Just spit it out, Hotch.” You finally used a part of his name, unintentionally closing the distance the smallest bit even when you tried to stay away. Maybe subconsciously you knew you could trust him, if a little.  

“You’re not doing well.” 

You didn’t even hesitate. “Wow, way to show you aren't actually a gentleman.”

“I’m not trying to...” You could almost see him shaking his head, so in tune with his reactions from years of working alongside him, “I’m worried about you.” It left him in a whisper, like he was afraid to admit it. 

“I’m okay, there’s no need.” You denied it like it was your biggest defense against his accusations. Except they weren’t that, genuine worry dripped along with his words, but you had a hard time accepting it. You couldn’t, didn’t want to. Being vulnerable, especially in front of him, could cost you a lot, and with the way you’ve been living, you couldn’t afford it.

Even when deep in your heart you trusted him with everything, even yourself. 

You felt him place his hand on the duvet, enclasping his palm around your calf. “You were okay five weeks ago, and you haven’t been since then. I’ve been watching you wear a mark and barely holding yourself from falling apart. I don’t think ‘okay’ applies right now.” 

“I thought we promised not to profile each other.” You muttered brokenly, feeling parts of the mask he was talking about cracking in places. It was like having him so close, peeling your outer layers slowly, and leaving you exposed, finally making your emotional reactions coincide with your lack of understanding. It was like he was exposing all of you both to himself and you too. 

“Not at the expense of suffering in silence, we didn’t.” He answered with conviction, no hesitation. He was making it apparent your wellbeing was more important to him than any promise he might have made to you or others. He was letting you know he was prioritizing your health over everything else. 

He understood you even without you having to say anything. Just by watching you try to swim to the surface of the ocean and still being pushed by the crashing waves, he could already feel that you were struggling. 

He could see you were self-isolating, even when you were being surrounded by people. He picked up on the signs in the subtle subject changes you made whenever someone asked anything about you. You were unwilling to share, even though you loved sharing any little detail about your interest, allowing others to do the same. 

You let Garcia talk about her software and cute animals and allowed Reid to share any little fact with you he could. But even when you listened, it wasn’t hard to see you really weren’t. Staring into spaces or faking an interest, even though he knew you would be interested in the first place, had there not been anything amis to begin with. 

And slowly piece after piece had started falling together, like a puzzle started, yet left abandoned. 

In the darkness of the hotel room, miles away from your home and mere doors down from the rest of your team, a piece deep inside you started longing for the understanding he was offering. It started building up with worry over the reality of the words you knew you needed to say but were too scared to. It started wishing for a new slate, where the overwhelming amount of confusion and empty darkness no longer followed you like a shadow. 

It slowly started coming to terms with the fact that you weren’t enough to fight this on your own and that maybe you needed help to do so.

For the first time in weeks, months, who knew, maybe even years, you wanted to talk about it. You wanted to admit to your state of mind where reality got mangled with your deepest darkest thoughts imaginable, where self-doubt and the feeling of worthlessness took over. Where giving up sounded so much better than trying out again. Where any positivity was instantly turned into negativity whether you liked it or not. 

For the first time you craved being helped, you wanted to understand your own struggles and get better. You wanted to thrive in the life you were leaving instead of settling for simply existing. You wanted to talk, and you wanted to tell him all that. 

You rolled your lips between your teeth before you bit down until you tasted blood. One of your hands barely made it out from underneath the warmth of the duvet before you grabbed into the bedding with a tight fist. 

“I don’t think I’m doing okay, Aaron.” You whispered into the darkness. The bed dipped and groaned as he moved closer, settling just centimeters away from your cocoon this time. You were so busy looking over the skyline that you didn’t even see his hand move until you felt his warm palm overtop your skin. He held onto you, trying to prompt you into releasing the bedding, tapping his fingers in a gentle manner. 

He was offering you comfort without really saying or doing anything. He was letting you try and put your thoughts together before you entrusted him with the truth. 

“One minute I’m good, and the next it feels like I lose all touch with my own self and my feelings - It’s all empty, or an overwhelming amount of sadness I couldn’t begin to even understand. I can’t even grasp what prompts this sudden change. I’ve tried fighting it for so long, years maybe, and each time it comes back, I’m left feeling more hopeless than the last.” You explained in a small voice. 

A wave of relief, if small, rocked your whole body. There was something freeling about saying it out loud, ignoring the fear of admitting that had followed you for years. 

“Have you ever told anyone about it?” His voice was just another shadow in the room. A timbre so calm, quiet, and soothing that you knew he was listening with no reservations and no judgments. Just a pure need to help.

You went to shake your head, but remembered you were both still looking towards the window. “I’ve always played it off as a joke. I’ve never let it sound like I really mean it. Not like I do right now.” It was one of the many truths you’d admitted to that night. Even when you played it off, you knew deep inside it was a small cry for help you didn’t want to. You were unwilling to take the right steps in order to get the help you needed. 

“Why joke about it?” You thought about it for a second, trying to clear out the fog of the past.

“I guess…” Your fingers clenched underneath his own. “I guess I just wanted to see if anyone cared enough to ask if I was serious. They didn’t.” Realistically, you knew you shouldn’t wait on other people or expect them to see something amiss before you looked for help. But a part deep enough inside you wanted the reassurance that someone loved you enough to notice.

“But you want to get help?” He mumbled, still tapping his finger against your own.

“Yes.” You didn’t even have to think about it. You owed yourself that much, and all the help possible you could get.

“Okay.” He exhaled in relief, “As soon as we get back, we’ll start looking, yeah?”

“Yeah.” You whispered. You felt his hand squeeze your own in reassurance. You turned your palm up, enveloped his own hand, and gave him one back, “Thank you, Aaron.”

A few minutes of looking at the starless sky passed before he prompted you to move, if just enough to walk into the bathroom and wash your face - and you did. When you came back, he’d made himself comfortable leaning against the headboard, legs stretched on the mattress. 

He spent the night sleeping in yesterday’s clothes, trying to make sure you were doing okay and weren’t left feeling lonely. 

You knew there was a long path ahead of you - the path to self-understanding and acceptance of your own flaws and struggles, as well as the changes you may need to adapt to moving forward. Something you were undoubtedly going to have a hard time with. Where you’d need to fight against the days when you questioned whether it was worth it. Where you’d slowly have to come to terms with the fact that as long as you were making yourself happy and keeping yourself afloat, there wasn’t anything worth more. 

The path to recovery was never supposed to be easy or linear, but you had him to thank for being the final push. You had to be thankful for each minute of the time he gave you. And each grain of love he showed you in the process. 

You needed the help - for yourself, your past, your present, and your future self. And for every second you spent failing to understand the person you were and the feelings you held onto.

[sickwhispers]

Ur so cool for making stuff for dandys world💚 Im asking so politely for you to write Dazzle x Reader pretty pls? 🙏🙏🙏I like never see any Dazzle love

WING MAN

Pairing: Dazzle x reader

Relationship: romantic

Warning:

Type: headcanons + drabble

Hand written letters seem to be the only way he'd be able to express his fondness towards you

Letters about his day, how he had messed up while extracting a machine, how sad it made him, how the only reason he hadn't broke down crying on the spot was because you had smiled his way

Sometimes, he wonders if you save those smiles for him

Keeping them locked away for the rest of the day, only revealing the true kindness behind them the moment you two make eye contact

Razzle likes to tease him a lot

Most of the time, it ends with Razzle trying to convince him to talk to you

But there's always a new excuse

Dazzle wants to talk to you,

He really does

Although, when it comes to how he thinks those scenarios would play out, it always end in some sort of tragedy

He might stumble over his words; he might end up tripping both him and Razzle in front of you

He might even bring you down in the process

There were too many risks

Too many possibilities of embarrassing himself in front of you

No matter how many times Razzle seems to try and convince him to talk to you, every conversation ends with an excuse not to

At some point, razzle just ends up deciding to do it himself

Dazzle stares at the letter held in your hands, eye twitching as you try to explain how you had found it earlier in your room. According to your story, you had arrived in your bedroom after a long run extracting machines and distracting twisted to help save your friends, only to find a little white envelope placed neatly on your bedside table.

The letter, once you had opened it, stated it had been from Dazzle. Which confused him to no end, considering he had no recollection of writing it. You had almost laughed while reading it if you were being honest. You've known Dazzle for a quite a while now. And, you've come to learn how he prefers writing. There's always a melancholic tone in his words, his sentences short and simple. And yet, at the same time, there's always a deep hidden emotion behind the way he chooses to phrase them.

Dazzle takes a second to look over at his polar opposite. And it doesn't take long to notice how Razzle seemed to keep his gaze fixated on the wall. You try to speak, noticing the growing tension between the two of them, but before you could get a word out, Razzle speaks up.

"So-! What did you think of the letter? You know, the one your holding? The one Dazzle sent?" Even now, there seemed to be an almost anxious tone in his voice. A brittle laugh slipping past him as he made quick eye contact with you before glancing away again. However, this time, it seemed to have fallen on Dazzle.

"Well... it seems to have an overwhelming amount of positivity, considering dazzle wrote this." You fiddle with the note in hand, rereading the paragraph after paragraph. There had been a lot of exclamation points—more than what would have been appropriate to use. Along with the unusual way each sentence had been worded, there was almost an alarming amount of 'please.' "And a lot of desperation..."

"Y-you don't... uh... have to answer it. I already know what you'll say..." after hearing the last thing you said, Dazzle only seemed to cave into himself, attempting to step back and give himself more room. But, razzle only continued to keep the both of them firm in place. His eyes shooting Dazzle a quick glance, attempting to reassure him of his worries.

Despite how awkward the situation had turned out, you had accepted the letter

Your eyes scanning over the simple topic that had been painted across each paraphrase

The phrase "go on a date with me?" Being obvious among the array of sentences

Dazzle had seemed shocked when you accepted. Eyes widening as he watched you nod up and down

Yet, Razzle, on the other hand, had been fairly confident you would answer that way

And, after this whole ordeal, he made a mental note to thank Poppy for being the mailman for him

It was tricky having to write a love letter in the dark. in bed. While Dazzle was asleep

[that-girl-glader]

JWCT SPOILERS FROM THE TRAILER BELOW

BRO WTH OMGOSH. SO FAR THIS ARE THE THINGS GOING ON IN MY HEAD FROM THAT TRAILER

FIRST OFF...... OMGOSH WHY DOES EVERYONE LOOK SO HOT. AND WHY IS BEN SO BEAUTIFULLY BLONDE AND PRETTY BOY😭😭 DARIUS IS KILLING ME WITH HIS STANCE IN THE BOAT. THE FU???

Okay now for business. "I'm not the same Brooklyn you knew before" Bitch no you FUCKING AREN'T. BECAUSE YOU HAVE GROWN UP. AND have trauma. But babes....what do you mean by that???? Brother. You're gonna get yourself ACTUALLY killed. Why did you burn the photo....there was no reason. ALSO LOVE THE HAIR WTH.

I think the other girl in the trailer we didn't see is either Mae or you know BEN PINCUS' GIRLFRIEND. AND IF IT IS.... I'M SO OVER MY LIFE. BUT THE GAYS CAN'T WIN. AND....I have the sneaking suspicion that benrius (yay) or Benji(bluh ew ew burns...jokesssss) is never gonna happen. I hope he breaks up with her if that ends up true.

I will sue if Brooklyn and Darius end up together. And no it's not because I want Darius and Ben or whatever. Heck they can all stay single except for yasammy for all I care. I just don't see it. It does not compliment each other in any way, and doesn't make sense to me. And I'm a hugeeee Kenji x Brooklyn because it was a very fair balance of differences and similarities. And it was so requited. I just don't see why if you can see she wasn't committed to being with Kenji that she'd be committed to be with Darius. I think she just can't immediately jump into a relationship.

Darius just had his first love it doesn't make sense for him to get with someone. The field of romance is unfamiliar to him. I think he needs to heal first too. They both do. Before anything happens. But guys...it would mean so much to me if benrius in a future skip ends up together because I NEED THIS WTH...And their dynamic just makes me so happy I can't lose that. I'd be borderline sad. Even if the bond was queer platonic. I'd take it. Even if they never kiss or hug or whatever I'd take it. Even if nothing happens with brooks or Ben I'd take it!!! Better non canon than canon am I right. Pull a gustholomule so I can stay delusional.

If anything and I mean ANYTHING HAPPENS TO YASAMMY IM THROWING ROCKS. NO ONE IS DYING THEY ARE LITERALLY IMMORTAL. IT CAN'T JUST BE THE WHITE CHARACTERS WHO CHEAT DEATH.

WTF did Ben keep it a secret that Brooklyns alive?? Delusional version: He doesn't want his chances with Darius to blow....ahahahaha. Real version: He doesn't want his friends to be upset with how much Brook has changed. Or their grief to be invalidated. Or for them to give her a chance when she has changed so much in a very not moral way. Welp. Maybe he just feels like Brook kept it a secret for a reason, and I might as well not call her out. Anywho you guys help me too. I'm insane.

Bye guys. Stay prehistoric!!!!💚🤎🦕

[sokkszn]

you know, he won’t

anton x fem!reader

warnings: (his name is mentioned once so you can very much imagine anyone else in his position) angst angst angsttttttt, mention of period, cussing, questioning his sexuality and damn its just angst guys. fluff if u squint and face away from ur screen👍(proofread but take it w a grain of salt its 5.20am rn)

your relationship with anton was complicated. it seems crazy to say that because you were dating him —have been for years. you knew you loved him, or else you wouldn’t have stayed all those years. it was just how he treats you.

he didn’t treat you badly, you dont think he was even capable of doing so, he was just… so, absent minded? inattentive rather. he just never paid attention. of course theres the cute things that he does like, buying you a fresh bouquet of flowers every weekend, or buying you snacks when you’re on your period. but it was never your favourites, it was never fresh smelling hyacinth, the only flower you found yourself obsessing over, or your favourite bitter-tasting dark chocolate. you remember listing these early on into dating, thinking he would’ve atleast noted it down, but, nothing.

it was all trivial at the end of the day, you know he loves you… he just has an odd way of showing it, you guess. his love was never accommodated to you, he loved you the way he wanted to, there’s nothing wrong with that, you think, but you just wish you could be loved the way you wanted, you wish you could morph him into your perfect man. which sucks, because you knew he was good for you, you knew you loved him, you just wished he was better.

you tried to accept him for what he truly is —distant. but sometimes it hurts? not being able to receive what you want from this relationship knowing he receives what he wants. you know he loves you but why won’t he show it? properly.

you want to hold him in the night, you want to caress his hair to relieve his stress, you want to jump up and down excited with him, you want to love him, but you just, can’t. you can’t look at him without feeling resentment, without feeling like you’re the problem, and sometimes you are, you can admit that, but this.. this is different, its not a fight, its not a disagreement nor is it an argument. you just don’t feel loved, the way you want at least. this makes you feel selfish, but he’s the one being loved, not you. you know that he knows you feel like this, but he won’t do anything about it. you know he loves you, but he wont show it.

he makes you feel disgusting, like you’re unlovable —or rather unworthy of love. but you know he loves you.

it hurts, honestly, it really fucking hurts. you see how he acts with his friends, how he’s comfortable with initiating skinship with them, how he gets excited around them, how he remembers little things about them. honestly? sometimes you think he’s gay.

maybe this is all out of jealousy, but you’re his girlfriend, he just doesn’t fucking act like it.

for some reason, even though you know it’s not your fault, you cant help but feel guilty and tear up at these thoughts, he’s your boyfriend, you’re meant to love him wholeheartedly. and you did, but thats exactly the problem, you did.

maybe, you truly just loved him.

a/n: guys i’ve never been in a relationship i have no clue where this angst came from 👍 also im ngl the whole time writing this i felt like i was in that one sad video, daddy is the sweetest in the world, daddy wants me to be the best, i love my daddy, but…. but he lies 😭😭😭 guys did i eat w the fic name yes or naurrrrrr 🫦

[heatmiiiiser]

Ggrrr I wish disenchantment was better. I binged it all because I'm sick somebody talk to me about this.

[thebigqueer]

2 years ago i fucked up a friendship w a girl (that im pretty sure i was in love with). to this day i think of her and sometimes when i see her on the street i just wanna cry. i understand your plight very much.

yeahhh man im sorry to hear that!!! it genuinely fucking sucks and i would never wish this upon anyone. cuz like it makes you fully think about all the what ifs and i genuilnely dont think ill ever find someone like her again

[the-cookie-of-doom]

This song is so Kim-coded

[aroacettorney]

perhaps the reason why aup ended like *that* is because it was not supposed to have a happy ending in the first place, but sayren didnt have the guts to deal with readers' backlash for when they finally kill off the main character so a half baked happy ending is what we get 😔

[deityofhearts]

I just need to get better at remembering that I have so many wonderful friends who love me and want me in their lives who I also love and want in my life which is easier said than done because even with all the reassurance in the world it’s easy to think it’s not true or dwell on past failed relationships as like being indicative of my current ones

[cherry-pop-soda]

the urge to rewatch steven universe is incredibly strong

[rubyreverie]

watched alex's goodbye episode yesterday and i am conflicted

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

[titsthedamnseason]

GIBSIE was raped by mark? this whole time??? holy shit that actually brought me to tears. what the fuck.

[oldhabitsdiescrming]

.

[butt-puncher]

I wish that I was more

[arolesbianism]

Shakes the bars of my cage I need to draw soooo bad I need to draw I need to draw let me draw I have to draw I need to draw I must draw (<- has been too sick to be on electronics much and doesn't like doing traditional art)